Ep 220: Peter Capaldi

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking these sausages of a conversation, putting them in the batter of the internet and pouring over the onion gravy of friendship.

Toad in the hole podcast, pod in the hole, pod in the hole, off menu.

That's toad in the hole, was it?

Toad in the hole.

You missed out a very important ingredient of toad in the hole there.

Toad?

No, that's the sausage is the toad.

But it's not just sausages with onion gravy, is it?

No, in the batter.

I said batter.

But you, you, because you don't want to say.

What?

Well, it's not, but it's batter.

It's not a Yorkshire pudding because there's...

It's Yorkshire pudding.

That's a different shape.

It's still the batter, but it's not...

You liked Yorkshire pudding.

He admitted it.

No, because if you...

I didn't say I liked it anyway, but if you put sausages in a Yorkshire pudding that's not towed in the hole They have to be put in the batter and all cooked together mate That is a gamble.

My name is Jeff Daycast and together we own a dream restaurant and every single week We invite in a guest and asking their favourite ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is Peter Capaldi Peter Capaldi.

This is huge James.

I love Peter Capaldi national treasure and played iconic characters Malcolm Tucker in the thick of it obviously Doctor Who the Doctor the Doctor sorry he hasn't played doctor who he's played the doctor yes i mean he's got such an amazing uh back catalogue such an amazing cv james a real proper actor in the off-menu studio and you can see him playing detective chief inspector daniel hegerty in the new apple tv plus series criminal record criminal record now we've not seen it yet but we're very very excited i've been reading the press release it's exactly the sort of thing that's up my street i'm gonna binge it james yeah i'll binge it too eight episodes can binge that easily.

Should we binge together?

Yeah, let's binge together.

Yeah.

Let's meet up and binge together.

We don't spend enough time together.

I think we should start watching TV shows together.

Yeah, we should start doing that as well.

Yeah.

And I don't know, just everything, really.

Yeah.

Share a big old bed.

Yeah.

Just never, never be apart.

It's a shame that you said it had to be a big old bed.

Sorry, little bed.

Telling me you want distance from me when we're in bed.

Sorry.

Just share a

two-man bed.

Standard bed, top to tail.

Listen.

Or 69.

I love Peter Capaldi, but if Peter Capaldi says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable, we are going to have to kick him out of the dream restaurant.

Sorry, Peter.

And this one was suggested to us on tour in Glasgow.

Yes.

By the audience.

So just because of the Scottish link there, we've chosen to go with it.

The Glasgow link, indeed.

The Glasgow link indeed.

And this week, the secret ingredient is Hershey's.

Hershey's

chocolate.

American chocolate was suggested to us in Glasgow, but I completely agree with this.

Hershey's, man oh man, what are they playing at over there?

It's crazy, right?

A country that, if anything, specialises in sugar, should absolutely be knocking chocolate out the park.

Yeah.

And somehow

it's not sweet enough.

I remember the first time I had Hershey's, and I distinctly remember it tasting of piss.

Yeah.

There's just nothing going on there.

No, it's bad stuff.

It's crazy.

It's like dog chocolate or something.

Yeah.

It's like dog chocolate.

Yeah.

And that's not secret ingredient.

Dog chocolate isn't the secret ingredient it's hershey's it's hershey's yeah oh i'd take dog chocolate over hershey's you know and peter's worked on a lot of films you know he's worked on american productions maybe at the craft service table he's taken a liking to hershey's but if he has unfortunately peter capaldi will be removed well he'll be regenerated oh yeah imagine if we had to regenerate him during the to a different guest to get jodie whittaker in to do the rest of the episode

That would be exciting for people though.

Maybe we should do that, Benito.

Maybe we should get a bunch of people who have played the Doctor to do

one big episode.

Yeah.

So we could kind of maybe hold off on this, releasing this one, so that we can regenerate Peter into Jodie Whitaker.

And for Jody Whittaker, we can do Whitaker's chocolate

as the secret ingredient.

And then Whittaker would have to regenerate into Tenant.

I mean, she regenerated into Tenant, didn't she?

Easy secret ingredient there.

Yep.

Easy secret ingredient there.

Tenants.

Tenants.

So, hey, let's make this happen.

If you're listening, Jody Whittaker, David Tenant.

But if they're listening, then this is already out, so it's not, it's not worked.

We failed.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, everyone.

We failed.

This is the off-menu menu of Peter Capaldi.

Welcome, Peter, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

Welcome, Peter Capaldi, to the Dream Restaurant.

I've been expecting you for some time.

Thank you very much.

Pleasure to be here.

James is a genie in this.

I feel like I should point this out.

That's what that explosion was at the moment.

I wondered what that was.

Yes, it was a genie.

Well, Peter and I, you know, when we said before you came in, Peter remarked on the lamp that he just put here in the centre table.

There is a magic lamp here, which I I asked who that belonged to.

Yes, and it but well, does it belong to the genie?

I've never no.

I guess genies are trapped in the lamps, aren't they?

They don't own their property.

This is a plastic one, though, isn't it?

Yes, this is a plastic one.

And it's quite small.

Yes, I think this volume is about the quality of the genie, I'd say.

Or the the the quality of the panto it may have come from.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you a fan of panto?

It's quite enjoyable.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Would you ever be in a pantomime?

I'd like to be in a pantomime, yeah.

It's incredibly hard work because they do like four shows a day.

Like two months.

Yeah.

So all the actors are absolutely exhausted and dying on their feet.

But I'm too lazy, you know.

I can't be bothered doing that.

But I might end up doing it because that's what happens with actors' lives.

One minute you're up, the next minute you're down.

You can be in a successful show.

And then that can disappear and then you might be lucky to find yourself in a decent panto.

I mean Basildon or somewhere like that, you know, claim.

Would that be the dream?

Would it be Basildon?

If you do any Panto, I just put Basildon out of the air.

Really, I've never been to Basildon.

I have no idea.

I have no mental image of it.

It's a place that feels like it would have a Panto.

You think so?

Yeah, I think so.

I didn't want to go for any of the more obvious kind of yeses.

Well, I might know people who are in Panto.

Yeah, sure.

Upset with me.

Yeah, I think Panto, I think it's you have to be, you have to have a lot of stamina, you have to be off the telly a bit.

Yeah, a bit.

I mean, in the old days, you had to be, you know, like from Dad's Army or something like that.

Yeah.

But now you can be off just a real life show.

What do you call reality show?

Reality show.

A real life show.

I think there's a better name for them.

A real life show.

It's a bit more dignity, actually.

Yeah, a real life show.

Real life show.

You'll be a business from a real life show.

You don't have to have any skill in particular.

Ed loves pantomimes.

I do.

Well, Well,

I try and go and see the Palladium Panto every year because it...

Oh, well, that's different.

It's, I mean, it's huge.

That's taken the easy way out.

Yeah.

Going to see the Palladium Panto.

Don't do that.

Do you think I should be going to Basildon?

I think if you're really a fan of Panto, really?

If you're really interested,

you'll have so much choice over the entire country

of every

washed-up reality person.

Real life person.

Or every actor who's struggling to make ends meet.

Yeah.

And other people who

are on the way up.

Yeah.

And they'll all be doing their best to send waves of love on the pantomime stage with varying budgets and varying scales of quality of prop.

Such as your prop of Aladdin's lamp here, I would say, may belong to a school panto.

Yes.

And certainly I'd be disappointed if I paid the money for the palladium panto.

I think it was the plastic lamp.

It was the plastic lamp.

Yeah, yeah.

That would be...

If you and Chris Jumbo were in a pantomime together, which Panto would you want to do?

So you're in Criminal Record together?

We're in Criminal Record together, which is not a Panto.

No, you should.

Oh, we've been given the wrong

answer actually, so I apologise because I wouldn't have gone on about pantomimes.

No, no, it's very...

Apple TV Plus.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

This is not a pantomime.

Yes.

It's a thriller.

It's a thriller.

Contemporary police drama.

Nice.

Very exciting as well.

Very exciting.

Eight episodes.

It was was great.

I think it is.

Yeah.

It's quite.

It's just the discussion of Panto has somewhat thrown me

because

that couldn't be further from what Criminal Record is.

It's the opposite of a Panto.

Yeah, that's about...

Without giving away any spoilers, do you think any of the characters in Criminal Record would have benefited from someone shouting out, he's behind you?

Certainly.

Yeah, yeah.

But it would be giving the game away.

Yeah.

Say which ones.

Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

And I think quite a few of the actors will certainly have been in Pantos.

Yeah.

And may yet be in Pantos.

No, it's a much more dramatic thing than that.

It's about someone who's been wrongly banged up for murder.

And Kush Jumbo discovers that and comes in pursuit of the person who put him away, who is me.

And that's a mistake that she does that.

She shouldn't come after me.

She shouldn't come after you.

No, no.

No way.

I mean, even from the press shot we've got here on the release.

you know very moody press shot of you yeah don't go after that guy don't go after that guy you look like an arsehole man

i don't think so i think i look like that photo no no

when you're half in shadow no no no i think i could be available as baron hard up yeah i don't think so yeah

or hook hook's the other big role i think hook yeah yeah i've been offered that yeah because hook you also play but that's not panto really that's peter pan yeah but that's you can do a panto peter pat and peter panto i guess so but when you play hook you also get to play Mr.

Darling.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

It's traditional that you play.

There's all these traditions in Panto that you have to follow.

It's also to do with how much money they've got, so they can't afford a Mr.

Darling.

Yeah.

So they get Captain Hook to play Mr.

Darling also.

And of course, obviously, Captain Hook's hook is a measure of how good the pantomime is.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Same with the lamp.

Yeah, same with the lamp, because if you get just like a plastic,

Woolworths kind of hook, you know, like you're a Ladden Lamp,

it's not going to impress the audience very much.

No, no, you need a proper sharpened hook, don't you?

Yeah, and also you can obviously the actors

knob of metal

or grey plastic

on top of his hand, yeah, and the hook comes out at the end of that.

Where obviously, if his hand had been removed, there'd be space there, so the hook would be farther up.

So, I don't know how you do that.

The Palladium Panther, they actually remove the actor's hand, did they?

For the steps, so for me attaching it.

Just take a prices.

Who are the stars of that this year?

I don't know who it is this year, but certainly the years I've been.

Big names.

Big names and then also regulars as well.

So we're talking Clary.

He's in it a lot.

I love him.

Havers is in it a lot as well.

Is Havers in it this year?

Yeah.

Nigel Havers, I have never seen anyone have a better time than Nigel Havers doing the Palladium Panto.

Yeah.

He's having a scream, that guy.

Yes.

He seems to have a scream most of the time.

Yeah.

He seems a very happy fellow.

Yeah.

Have you crossed paths with Havers?

I don't think I have.

Wow.

I don't think I have.

He's got his own theatre company now.

He's doing private lives with Patricia Orch.

Oh, yeah.

There you go.

Marvellous.

I have literally crossed paths with Havers before.

Near where I used to live, I went for a run and I ran past Nigel Havers.

Well, that's ironic because he first came to fame via Chariots of Fire.

Yes, of course.

Very famous scene of all the young men running on the beach.

And I can see you there.

Yeah.

Well, I don't run as well as that.

He was probably looking at me.

Was he running or did he have a croissant?

A cup of coffee.

It was croissant vibes.

He was strolling, had a big scarf on, that sort of thing.

You can't run anything.

I mean, after you've been in Charitz of Fire, it's like you can't go running in public if you're Nigel Havers.

Everyone who starts singing that theme tune at you or whatever, you can't do it.

I crossed paths with you once, Peter.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Asked you for directions.

Oh, was that one?

It's fine if you don't remember.

Was I nice or not nice?

You were lovely.

You knew where the place was.

You gave me successful directions.

I'll tell you what happened.

I was going for an audition.

This was many years ago.

And it was at the American Church on Tottenham Court Road.

Oh, yeah.

And I'd never been there before.

And I was a bit late and I was really panicking because I didn't know where it was.

And then I saw you and I thought, Peter Capell, he'll know where the American church is.

All right.

And you directed me straight there.

That's fantastic.

Yeah.

It was the most successful bit of that day, I tell you.

Did you get the job?

No, no, no, no, no.

It was five lines to play Warren Beatty in a drama about Barbara Windsor's life.

I can see the Warren Beatty kind of

thing now.

That's what the casting director said.

And then I started doing the lines and she looked very disappointed.

Well, she shouldn't have.

I think you look like a dead ringer.

I was on Graham Norton with Warren Beatty.

Were you?

Yeah, yeah.

And he was really, really nice.

But he did that thing that big stars tend to do.

He said to me, when you're in LA, we must have dinner.

And I said, yeah, of course, that'd be great.

And that was it.

And I thought, but how do you do that?

Do I, what happens?

Do I go to LA and try?

Because you don't get me a card or a number or anything like that.

Who don't get in touch with Graham Norton and say, have you got a contact number for Warren?

And do I call him and he remember?

Do I get through to his people?

How does that work?

Do you want to go for a meal with Ed instead and pretend he's one of the things?

Thank you for having me.

No worries.

Obviously, I would love to.

Normally.

But at the moment, things are really sure.

You've got a criminal record.

A lot of stuff to do

with the show and stuff.

Yeah.

Thank you anyway.

I asked Bill Naeve for directions once.

Oh, yeah.

Fucking useless.

All right.

What did he say?

Less?

If he said,

I don't think I do.

I said,

I said, do you know where the Jon Snow is?

I don't think I do.

And I was like, all right, okay.

Okay, that's good.

That's an adequate impression.

Yeah.

But you could do Nai in a drama.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Imagine if I was on my way to audition to play Bill Nae and bumped into him and asked him for directions to the audition.

Oh, that'd be tricky.

Asking people for directions is quite

stressful

from either end, isn't it?

Because

you feel quite bad if you don't know.

Yeah.

And you feel quite stupid.

If you don't know, because you you think, you know, I've lived in London for you know 40 years.

I know my web, I knew where the American church was.

Straight away.

But a lot of places I don't know.

Do you know where the American church is from here?

Could you give me directions from here to the American church?

No, here's the mystery to me.

Yeah.

Also, I can't stress enough, we were in front of the American church, and I'd

literally went.

It's there.

It's at the bottom of Tottenham Court Road, isn't it?

Yeah, near Googe Street.

Yeah, and they do rehearsals and auditions.

And auditions for Barbara Windsor dramas, yeah.

I once um auditioned, I had a similar thing to Ed, Dead Ringer, for a celebrity, and they immediately realised they'd made a massive mistake and just sent me home after one reading of the lines.

Didn't even ask me to do it another time.

Can you guess what the celebrity is?

I'll give you a clue it's a snooker player.

Steve.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve Davis, yeah.

We always start with still the sparkling water.

Do you have a preference?

I really like sparkling water.

Yeah.

But I think I'd prefer to get tap water because I think that's a measure of how serious the restaurant is about looking after me.

Oh, that's good.

That's interesting.

Because if they're not offering tap water, they might have an ulterior motive.

Oh, yeah.

What sort of ulterior motives might they have?

Well, to exploit

my ignorance.

Yeah.

And to exploit my naivety.

And make me pay lots of money for stuff that I don't want to eat.

Very small portions of things that I don't want to eat.

So, but if they say, you want sparkling water or tap water, they're opening their arms, aren't they?

They'll start saying, Yeah, they are.

Don't be uptight.

Yeah.

It's cool.

Your family come in.

I love this idea that when you go out to eat, you've just got your guard up straight away.

You're frightfully worried they're trying to screw you up.

That's absolutely true.

Yeah.

It is.

I mean,

that's, I think, coming from, you know, fairly humble background and coming to London and becoming an actor.

I mean, being an actor is my parents had no idea at all about how you became an actor.

I don't know anybody in the business, blah, blah, blah.

So I had no preparation for entering that world and certainly no preparation for entering the world of what I thought were posh restaurants because my family didn't go to posh restaurants.

So I was always, I was largely terrified when I'd go to a restaurant.

But the one restaurant, funnily enough, that wasn't like that, which is ironic, was the old ivy.

And when I say the old ivy, I mean the Ivy as was

before it became a sort of brand.

And the Ivy, for listeners who don't know, was a restaurant that was set, I think it was built in the 20s or something like that.

It went through various hands, but it was always a kind of show-busy restaurant.

It was always actors.

It was actors who went there as opposed to comedians and music hall artists and pando artists.

It was always actors who went there.

Vivian Lee and all that, Lauren Selevier and stuff.

And I always remember going to it being quite, A, quite scared.

because you'd look around and there'd be like select and it was like you know Arnold Schwarzenegger would go there and stuff like that and anybody who was enemy would go there but they in fact they treated you so well and so openly I used to always say I wish I could bring my mother here because they treat my mother wonderfully not because she was my mother but because that was how their staff were they just treated people really well like they were going to have a good time and they weren't going to be intimidated I don't mean the staff was like saying you're not going to intimidate me I mean the staff were not intimidating their customers yeah they were they were offering tap water they were they were a place that was Well, in those days, you just took whatever you just got a bottle of water.

There wasn't really, because Perry had just been invented

as a brand.

And that may have existed in real life in France somewhere.

But sparkling water was new on the screen.

Sparks hadn't just been invented.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can either of you do a good Schwarzenegger impression, Arnie?

Because I keep on thinking,

not even letting you finish the request.

No.

No.

This sounds very funny, him saying the Ivy.

Like, if you imagine Schwarzenegger saying the Ivy,

I think that would sound funny.

But the ivy?

No, no.

I can't do it.

No, let's imagine it.

Yeah.

I guess everyone's Scott.

Imagine it.

Everyone at home, imagine that.

Also, where do you want the tap water to come from in the world?

Because Scottish tap water is better than English tap water.

Yeah.

Well, from Scotland, but obviously that would be a very long pipe.

But it is.

Well, this is the dream restaurant.

Someone would have to turn it on.

Look, this is the dream restaurant.

You can have whatever you like on your dream meal, people.

My genie.

If you want Scottish tap water, we can invent this long pipe.

Well, I think I'd like Scottish tap water, but not the ones that have labels with drawings of the highlands and

waterfalls and stuff like that.

You don't like that?

Well, that's not what Scotland I come from.

So I need one with a label that's got, you know, kind of a crumbling tenement and some high-rise blocks,

an ice cream van, you know, in it.

I think the water in Glasgow is great.

So I'd have some Glasgow water.

Yeah, delicious.

Delicious.

Fantastic.

And we can, you know, we can absolutely make that happen, get the pipe coming down from Glasgow, and then we'll have someone on the other end ready to turn the tap on whenever you want water.

That'd be brilliant.

Who do you want to be turning the tap on?

What Glasgow icon would you like to turn the tap on?

So it's extra Glasgow?

Oh, gosh.

Well, Billy Connie's not there anymore.

He's over in Florida.

So we don't want to have the tap going all the way under the sea and all that kind of stuff going on.

We can give him a really long arm?

He's the greatest living Glaswegian and the greatest dead one as well.

Just the greatest Glaswegian is Billy Condo.

Uh, I think maybe

Paolo Nuttini, yeah,

yeah,

we could be hanging around between gigs, between tours, hanging out in Glasgow.

A little bell could be rung.

Yeah, and Paolo would be writing a song, you know, you know, but start writing my song now.

I'll go and

need some water, man.

And you're going to get me some water.

I love it.

Yeah,

perfect.

Popadobs or bread.

Pop-ups or bread, Peter Capalli.

Popadobs or bread.

Oh, God, that's hard.

I love poppadons.

I really, really love them.

And I love them with chutney, with all the various chutneys.

But bread I love too.

And there are so many breads that we can choose from.

Obviously, I think a sourdough, a crusty roll with maybe some wee, you know, seeds on them.

You know, I don't know.

I never quite know whether bread, whether is it meant to be, is that for eating before the starter arrives Or is it to be part of the starter?

Because I often eat the bread beforehand and then have to ask for some more.

Yeah, I'm the same as that.

Which is not a good, the restaurant is not good if I have to do that, if I have to ask for more.

There's giving me a big basket of bread.

Yeah, or replace it without asking, right?

And replace it without ceremony.

Yeah.

Not with like, here I am with my big basket of bread.

Which one would you like?

You know, I mean, they just do stuff for you.

That's the kind of problem with restaurants.

I mean, I think I love restaurants.

You know, I love a kind of Art Deco restaurant, a kind of sort of one that I would imagine would be in the Chrysler building, you know, and the Americans have a very kind of because they're not, I mean, all of our restaurants are the shadow of the class system, you know, really looms over all of our restaurants.

That's the wrong way of saying that, but

you get what I mean.

100%.

So I think if you if you go into a restaurant and you're not skilled or or confident in that area, you'll immediately start deferring to to the waiter.

My father used to defer to the waiter, used to to call the waiter sir, and basically

he'd be very nervous in the company of the waiter because he wouldn't want to offend the waiter.

He'd want the waiter to know that he did not think less of him because he was a waiter.

And the way that he did that was to be as shilpit.

Shilpit is a Scottish word, meaning to be as small and

on extreme as possible.

So I think that that's going on in restaurants all the time.

But in my dream restaurant, it wouldn't be.

The staff would be amazing yeah you know there'd be one that would be a little bit of a i go i'll tell you a good story about a restaurant actually i was very lucky i was in new york uh and i was doing a show and i fell in with the maitre d of joe allen's which is a famous you know

show busy restaurant yeah another another sort of big actor's restaurant that's right yeah yeah and there's one here but it started originally with the original joe allen in uh off-broadway and it was run at the time the maitre d I i could hear it in his voice It was actually Scottish.

His name was Angus.

That was a bit of a giveaway.

That's a clue.

That's a big clue.

But of course, you don't expect to find an Angus, you know, off Broadway running Joe Allen's.

But then sometimes in New York,

a lot of Americans feel very close to their Scottish or Irish heritage and they've never been there.

That's right.

Yeah, and they don't really care.

They get mixed up.

They think if they're Irish, they think Angus is an Irish name.

Yeah.

You know, whatever.

You know,

it's all vaguely a kind of Celtic.

So

Celtic slash Polish slash, that'll do.

But Angus used to tell me secrets of

being a restaurateur.

And one of the best ones, he told me that he didn't do this, but he said it used to happen with the previous person at Joe Allen's.

There's a little door.

You enter the door and the Maitre D is standing there, a little desk.

And obviously he's got his book there with all the bookings and stuff like that.

And you may show up at the door.

And the Maitre D might not know who you are.

And you might be somebody off the telly in the UK.

For instance, Peter Cabaldi, off the thick of it.

Yes.

But he doesn't know that.

And you go to say to him, Can I have a and he says, excuse me a moment?

And his phone rings.

Sorry, I got to take this phone call.

And he takes the phone call.

The phone call is from the barman who's behind the bar, who's an expert on show business.

And he can see who's at the door.

And he's saying to Angus, that's Peter Capaldi from a show called The Thick of It.

And he's here doing a show on Broadway.

He's okay.

He's reasonably successful.

He's not a big shot, but you know, he's he's a nice guy.

He's okay to have the rest of it.

And Angus said, thanks.

He puts the phone down.

Mr.

Capaldi, thanks very much.

I love you.

And they think, come on in.

Very good.

Yeah.

So, I mean, I'd be tempted then if I knew that to ask them follow-up questions about my work.

I think you'd be wise to.

However, you would be subverting the illusion

into which we all buy.

We all know it's an illusion that you're not, you know, even if you're even if you're Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Yeah.

I bet Arnold schwarzenegger still thinks somebody a bit more famous than me or they don't really mean it when they say they love me surely schwarzenegger's not worried about that sort of stuff is he he's very smart he's a human being you know he's a very smart guy so i think you know so i that's that's up to you yes that's your choice as to whether or not you're going to maybe i'll just let the mess with that ed's the matrix of this dream restaurant yeah so yeah ed would i guess you know yeah i know but i know who's coming in you know i've done my research yeah okay well that's good he knows you yeah so what show have i been in recently Criminal Record.

There you go.

I love doing Criminal Record, Mr.

Capaldi.

Please come to your table.

Can I say that?

The Suicide Squad.

The first one or the second one?

Second, the second one.

Yeah, actually, the James Gunn one.

That was a good one.

Okay.

Yeah.

The James Gunn one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I did.

I did love that genuinely.

Big brain.

Yeah.

Big brain.

Thank you very much.

You're not being fed this, are you?

No, no, no, no.

Please don't break the illusion, Peter.

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Your dream starter, Peter Kapald?

I think I like calamari.

I'm not really a great fan of fish,

apart from fish and chips.

Glaswegian fish and chips.

Yeah.

What's different about Glaswegian fish and chips?

I think the fish is different.

In what way is the fish different?

It's Scottish.

Scottish fish.

scottish fish i think the batter's different yeah i think the salt and vinegar is different i think it's it's just it it's just not as fussy

i mean the fish and chips in london some gigantic piece of cord what's cordrow i don't know what codrow some huge kind of thing covered in orange batter and stuff like that in scotland it's much more business like well the chippies in glasgow like the i think the best city-wise for like those like takeaways and chip shops are are the best i've i've had yeah yeah it's more pride in it it.

And obviously, you've got you've got, obviously, there's a few fights when you're in there and all that stuff.

But that just makes you hardened.

I thought you were tearing up for like an old school joke there and go, like, I saw a sausage get battered or something.

I wish I had.

Here we go.

He's going to get us.

He's going to get us.

There's a few fights there, obviously.

Sort of had it go battered the other day.

You know,

that's where I thought we were headed.

No, that's good.

I'm planning to think of a similar joke.

I don't really.

That would be good in Panto.

I think that would be...

If you're doing Panto in Glasgow, you'd definitely be like...

Oh, for sure.

Yeah.

Do you want the calamari from a specific place in the world,

a specific restaurant you've been to?

No, I love calamari,

but it has a slight, I have a slight problem with it, which is that it's squid.

And it can, I don't want to be reminded of that, that it's squid.

Yeah.

It actually looks like a small problem.

You said it's a small.

Yeah, it's quite a big problem with calamari, though.

Huge problem.

Yeah, but it's not a whole squid on a plate with all of its kind of legs hanging out and stuff like that.

It's it's sliced leg.

If you imagine if it was a cartoon, it would be like sliced octopus, right, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

It's the ring, it's rings.

It's the ring.

It's a little like onion rings.

Yeah.

But it shares the same problem that onion rings give me.

But they're onion.

No, I love onion rings.

I mean, I could easily have had an onion ring, onion rings as a starter as well.

Yeah.

But it's when you eat them, you put them in your mouth and your teeth are able to puncture the batter.

And you think you've punctured all the way through the onion or the calamary

flesh.

And you pull the remaining bits.

You don't want to eat the whole ring.

So you pull the other half of the ring away and you find that you haven't established a clean break.

And so

the octopus leg continues.

into the exposed piece of batter.

And then the batter crumbles and then you you get a whack as the pings as the robbery ping hits yeah it pings back that's and that's you don't want that you don't want that it's a slapstick slapstick thing to happen at a dinner isn't it so how what do you suggest we because we you know this is a dream restaurant so we can solve your calamari issues here not my problem no you're the dream restaurant guys don't come to me with a cooking problem as well i'm gonna make them just bite size so you don't have to bite into them like that you can just pop them in you should be alert to this yeah yeah because you should be standing at the back going he's worried about i think yeah i think that i think mr capaldi is worried i should have had a call from the bar yeah saying um that is peter capaldi uh he's in the show called the thick of it and he's worried about the calamari rings pinging back in his face yeah so just keep an eye on him yeah and if he's uptight about that if he has a problem with the onion rings just go over yeah

okay all right with the onion rings we're gonna get the other onion rings but that's up to you it's not up to me yeah yeah yeah well so i'll sort it out so that it's like they're delicious calamari

it's little popcorn size bit like yeah popcorn calamari that's a good idea good idea pop it in Would you ever do, you know, in um old boy, you know where I'm going with this?

Surely, Peter.

Have you seen the film Old Boy?

No.

Well,

he's gonna do whatever he was gonna do now, anyway.

The lead actor in that at one point has to eat an octopus.

It's a live octopus.

Oh, yeah.

And he just, he just does it for real.

For real.

He just bites into a live octopus and eats it on camera.

Okay.

And obviously the octopus was absolutely ape shit in his hand.

But he's just and people talk about it and go, like, you've seen that, like, that was real.

People discuss that.

Yeah.

Would you ever do that in a role?

If they were like, Peter, in this scene, you've got to eat a calamari.

But it's the same thing.

Oh, you'd have to eat a calamari or something.

No, but like a live octopus.

No, like, this is, it's alive.

And it really looked cool if you just did it for real.

Fuck that.

Do you know what I mean?

All of that kind of stuff.

Who cares?

Really?

Who cares, really?

No.

Don't make me uncomfortable.

I'll pretend to eat a lot of octopus.

That's all we've got to do.

who cares yeah yeah you know i you know i love tom cruise he's great i don't really care that he strapped himself to a hercules bomber and went up there i don't really care that he's on the motorbike and he comes i don't care you know it's great and it's terrific and it's a lovely man and you know and he's really sweet and all that i don't care yeah yeah

that's i'd love to see because obviously on youtube and on the internet in general you get people doing reaction videos to other videos yeah i'd love to have you watching that Tom Cruise final video of him going off the cliff in the motorbike and just going, I don't care.

Yeah.

I don't care about any of this.

It doesn't make a difference whether it's him or another guy, does it?

No, I mean I admire it.

Yeah.

It's a film.

Who cares?

Yeah.

You know, I'm reminded though,

with the eating octopus story of one of my great inspirations when I was in Doctor Who

was

Martin Lando played the part of Bill Lagosi in a film that Tim Button made.

Ed Wood.

Ed Woods.

And it's a great scene in that.

For those who don't know, Bill Lugozzi was an actor who played Dracula in the 30s and then fell on hard times.

Would have done Panto if necessary, but ended up actually having to play Dracula on stage.

Wow.

Touring America, playing Dracula in little theaters all over the country.

But he ended up with this, Ed Wood was a terrible director, and

Ed used to go into Universal Studios at night and steal props because he was making low-budget film horror movies and he stole an octopus prop.

And he had this scene in this film he was making where Bela had to fight this octopus.

And Bela looked at the octopus and said, well,

where are the octopus guys, the operators?

Isn't there a mechanical thing that switches this on?

And they said, no, there isn't.

It's just a rubber octopus.

You've just got to fight it.

And Bela said, well, okay, if that's the way it is, he took a slug of whiskey and he just fought the rubber octopus

uh and that's what i used to do in doctor who because i'd go where's the um where are the puppet operators here where's the cgi people for all this and they go there isn't any it's just a robber octopus yeah you've got to fight it so

great spirit of bella go and fight it you have a swig of whiskey no i don't drink anymore

i used to but it was no avail

Surely now if you went to Joe Allen's or whatever, they would be like, that's Peter Capaldi from Doctor Who or is it still the thick of it?

Is is that still the go-to uh i don't know what do you get the most from people coming up to you in the street i get

both of those yeah uh doctor who obviously is uh you know

has a long life but the thick of it is still

all right and it's still and people seem to still watch us that happens a lot you know that character's still like you know and that's going to be an iconic character comedy character for a long time right well we were very

very lucky to get it and to and to be part of it the writers were amazing i mean everyone, we made a great deal of the improvisation and stuff like that, but it show wasn't really made on improvisation.

It was made on writing.

I mean, the scripts were like 400 pages long.

You know, they were like way, way, way, way, way, way longer than what you would have for a 25-minute sitcom.

And they were full of great material.

So you had to shoot all the written stuff and then you would improvise a bit just to give it that kind of tang of life.

But most of the great stuff's all written.

Oh, it's perfect.

As you were saying, I was like, oh, I need to watch it all again.

Yeah, I'm going to watch it all again oh god is there something about the calamari pinging back in your face that reminds you of a doctor who monster and that's why it upsets you no it's just the thing it's the it's the on it's the injustice because i look a bit

it makes me uncomfortable because that can't be right

or is it

i think we'd have to speak to calamari eating experts yeah is it right

am i eating it wrong am i not puncturing the flesh enough or is this is this happening to everyone i've never discussed it with anyone else.

I think you're totally right.

I mean, it happens to me all the time with calamari.

You end up pulling the whole ring out, and then you've just got a hollow bit of batter, which obviously that doesn't hold up to anything.

Is that right?

It is, but it's not right, but it happens.

I don't like the rings for that reason.

I'd rather have like the little bits of calamari that's like the tiny calamari.

But onion rings do the same thing.

Yeah, yeah.

Onion rings are nightmare.

Absolute nightmare.

I used to work in a pub, and there's a massive onion ring once, like huge, in this bag of onion rings, frozen onion rings it's the size of a donut

and we we didn't fry it we took it out and we would prank new newbies with it so if someone new came we would say do you want a donut we got donuts in they'd be like yeah and we put it on a plate and they'd be like and no one fell for it and tried to eat it but they'd always look at it and go

is that a donut we're like no that's an onion ring and we'd laugh and put it back in the freezer is that when you realized you were going to be a comedian because of that great joke yeah yeah yeah but i think if you were the victim it's actually you wouldn't be the victim because it's a win-win situation yeah Yeah, yeah.

You were expecting a door not and you got a giant onion ring.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm pretty happy with it.

But can't find that and eat it.

No, but you can help us get the next newbie.

And they're like, okay, cool.

I'm in the gang now.

I'm glad you celebrated the giant onion ring.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a good thing.

No, no, it could still be there.

By the time I left, it was still, we haven't tried it yet.

Yeah, that's my issue with onion rings.

But then, have you had a blooming onion before?

Oh, no, what's that?

Language.

They do them in the States at like,

there's a chain restaurant that are famous for them, but they do them in like roadside cafes and stuff.

stuff so they'll get a massive white onion like one of those huge ones and then they'll slice it but not all the way through just like down to the down to the root or whatever like wedges all the way around then they'll batter that whole thing and drop it into the deep fat fryer and it blooms like a flower into separate portions and then put that on the plate with a dip in the middle and then you can just pick off these deep fried bits of onion dip and have them they're not so it's not ring based right but you get all the flavor and taste for that ring yeah that's good it sounds a wee bit tacky, though.

Oh, yeah.

Hugely.

It's not a classy onion.

They're not doing that in the Ivy, Peter.

Your dream main course, Peter Capaldi.

My dream main course, I like,

maybe it's because I'm Italian, I like Italian food, obviously.

It would be between lasagna.

spaghetti carbonara or spaghetti bolognese all very simple but but capable of being uh dull often quite dull and sometimes quite beautiful yeah what i'm really enjoying about your dream menu so far peter is the starter you had a massive issue with it yeah like a logistical issue yeah and then these dishes that you're going to pick for your main course you've said they're very capable of being extremely dull yeah there's always a i like there's always a negative to bring up immediately with your dream meal smile to life

really

basically it's uh don't get your hopes up Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that's the safer.

I mean, that's being very Scottish, I think.

That's the best way to be.

Don't get your, you know.

Then you won't be disappointed.

Yeah.

So I carry a wedge of disappointment with me just in case.

And often it's very useful.

So do you feel like your wedge of disappointment has got bigger or smaller as you get older?

Oh, smaller.

Yeah.

But my wedge of reality.

Actually, I love this whole thing, this whole kind of question of whether or not being where wisdom starts and where cynicism ends

where pragmatism starts and ends and where illusion starts and ends so I think if you reach my age you've been in a lot of restaurants so you know that most of the time what they're telling you and the way they're boasting about their food is really statistically it's not really gonna work there's only in all of my life there's been like maybe five percent of the meals have lived up to the hype.

but that's okay that doesn't that makes life good because you can get on with your life and you're not you know you don't have a crushing disappointment yeah because you know that might not be great and then sometimes it is great and that's amazing that makes even better so sometimes i used to be when i was younger people would accuse me of being cynical because i would often look on the the darker side of things but it's not being cynical it's just being realistic yeah And also you then get delights, even more juicy things.

Do you think that attitude helps as well when you're starting out in acting because there must be like a lot of like auditions and things like that

look at you going along to the to get the part of

war and beta yeah and not i mean how did you feel after that fine i mean i i by that point i was pretty good at just going into auditions and brain dumping them and then be honest don't you yeah you have to put a brain fast devastated peter well that's what happens i mean you have to learn how to to cope with it don't you have to learn how to cope with being rejected i think it's you know i i often think my dad had nothing to to do with the business.

He never went to an audition in his life.

I don't think he ever went for a job interview in his life, you know, because his family gave him jobs.

So he never, you know, so I've been to thousands of job interviews, even more, like, you know, a teacher might go for in their life for four interviews or something like that and get rejected occasionally.

We as performers get rejected all the time.

Yes.

So I think you get used to it, but the bad news is the older you get, it sort of comes back.

The sort of anxiety and fear about it.

You go, fuck it, it's rotten being rejected and feeling awful about yourself.

And maybe I'm just as shit as they think I am, you know.

But then you go, well, I'm still here, so something must be working.

Yeah.

Does an audition stand out as being particularly bad?

Like the worst audition you've ever had done?

I mean, the thick of it one was interesting because that was on that morning.

I've told this story many times.

I had two auditions and one was for a sitcom and I had to go to television centre as was.

and I sat in this room and the part was like basically they could have written in the part you know a guy walks in he looks exactly like Peter Capaldi and he speaks with Peter Capaldi's accent and he's got two scenes and it was playing like an MP or something like that Scottish MP with two scenes and it was my he was like 42 or something like that whatever age I was at the time and I had to go on tape for this two and I looked up and in the room I had worked with every single person in the room.

Every one of them.

I'd done, you know, done various shows.

And I thought, what the fuck am I doing here?

You know, jumping through hoops for all these people who have given me jobs before.

But obviously I had to go to some other executive level.

So I did that.

I was feeling very pissed off about it.

And then walked into the thick of it interview with Hermando, who I love Hermando, but I didn't know Hermando at the time.

I just knew he was a kind of comedy genius.

But my attitude was, yeah,

what's this comedy?

Let's get some of this genius going on there.

Let's hear some of the gags.

Yeah.

I mean, oh, there isn't a script.

Oh, really?

There's no fucking script.

So, what?

I'm supposed to fucking come up with stuff.

But of course, this was exactly the right attitude.

I didn't realise that, that it was exactly the right attitude.

He said, no, no, there's just, I'll tell you a scene and you just play the scene with your own words.

Fucking thanks very much.

I'll play this with my own words.

Yes, here we go.

Okay.

Hit me with the scene.

And off we went.

And that's how I got to be Malcolm Tucker.

Perfect.

So, yeah, that you might not have got it if there hadn't been that audition beforehand.

That's exactly true.

So, all that, though, all the rejection that you get makes you who you are.

Yeah, and how you deal with it makes you who you are, you know, and that makes you more makes you an interesting person.

Yeah, so I wouldn't have thought like there might be some young actors hearing this and going, Okay, cool, so I've got to go in and like act like I don't give a shit, and like I've got to be disrespectful to them, they're going to go in and go, Yeah, this is fucking shit.

I'll get the part, they'll not realize that.

One of the worst audition stories I heard was I was actually in, I was at the, it was a big audition, big troll they were doing.

You know how you go to these things where there's a whole pile of people being dragged in.

And I went and I knew I wasn't going to get this thing over.

And it was, it was for a film that they did.

It was

an animated film based on that book about pirates.

I think the book's called the book of...

a book about pirates I think it's called.

I think it was the Wallace and Gronnet kind of people who were doing it.

We were all very sweet.

And I was doing my audition and it was you know it's crap

but i could hear this booming voice from downstairs

i thought

brian blessed

and sure it was i went downstairs and there it was brian he said what are you doing here and i said well i'm just coming up for i've just been out his term oh i'm here to play the king of the pirates

i said well that's marvelous and he showed it he had the book and he showed me have you seen he said have you seen the book i'm exhausted doing the impression now he said have you seen the book i said yeah i vaguely looked at it.

And he showed me the book.

And in the book, it said, The King of the Pirates looks exactly like and sounds exactly like Brian Blessed.

It said in the book.

Yeah.

And then he had to go on audition for it.

And I don't even know if he got it.

Danny DeVito, as an icebreaker, once went into an audition and held up the script and went, first things first, who wrote this shit?

It's good fun.

We need to narrow down your

one of these pasta courses you're going to have for your dream main course.

Let's go for carbonara.

And who would you like to make that for you?

Is it like a dish where when you were growing up someone made that and it was particularly good?

No.

My mother used to make spaghetti bollocks.

My mother, who was not Italian,

who was bish of Irish extraction, made the most fabulous spaghetti bollock nets.

But I think maybe the Italian side of the family had taught her how to do that.

But the Italian side of the family was only my grandfather, and he died.

So there wasn't really I

they'd come up I think they had a fabulous Scottish Italian recipe for bollock naise,

which was fabulous.

Who would make it?

I don't know.

What difference does that make?

Who does?

Well, just because of your.

See, I guess I didn't know

that it was just your granddad.

But like, you know, I thought maybe someone would have made it for you growing up and that would be like a...

Well, they wouldn't have made

what Carbonara was.

No, no.

No, they would have ventured into that kind of area.

Spaghetti Bolignaise, they would have known about Carbonara.

I mean, what you young people don't realize is that there's been a food revolution over the last 40 years.

And when we grew up, there was, you know, wimpies,

you know, which were basically strips of plastic mixed up with old pigs' heads and crushed into a flat

slab and cut into circles that would be

sold as hamburgers.

I would eat a slab of pig's head.

Absolutely.

I'd love that.

I'd order that on a menu.

The plastic, innit?

Maybe not.

Maybe not the plastic, but the slab of pig's head because they hold the plastic.

Love that.

No plastic on my pig's head, please.

So they didn't know anything about Carbonara?

No.

So do you have a restaurant that you go to, like an Italian restaurant, maybe, where you're like, I love their Carbonaro?

Ironically, I kind of, I'm very fond of restaurants where I don't have to look at the menu and they just know me and they bring stuff.

Yeah.

I mean, there's that wonderful place in Crow Chan called Foro Hall, which is fabulous.

And they do like tapa.

And they have all these,

you know, incredible dishes like, you know, beetroot with uh you know sort of curried beetroot and stuff like that which uh i i wouldn't eat the menu would just frighten me so they just bring it all yeah and i just teach it and they know me and it's it's lovely yeah that's great that's the dream yeah

and that's and tapa generally i i love yeah because it's uh it's the dishes are small yeah and i feel as if also because when the spanish have tapa it's while they're getting on with other stuff so it's not got the whole kind of ceremony and they're all the all the all the class you know, indicators of a meal.

Standing up quite a lot of the time as well.

Yeah, just like pop a quick sort of dish in your mouth, and then you're on the go.

That's right, yeah.

So, I like that.

Um, so I don't really go to an Italian restaurant, no.

People get funny about Carbonara, though, don't they?

Because, like, you'll go to some place and they're putting cream in the carbonara, and then Italians get really angry.

No, I don't mind, I think it's so

anything goes, obviously, as long as it's a ball, yeah.

Your dream side dish, Peter.

I'm a side dish.

Well, that would just be a lovely little rocket salad.

Yeah.

With Parmesan shavings.

Yeah.

How big do you want the shavings to be?

A flake size, flaked size.

Probably about one centimetre square.

We get specific on this point.

Maybe more rectangular than square.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One centimetre by half a centimeter.

Are you a salad man in general?

Are you a fan of salads?

No.

I mean

I should point out that

I eat healthily, but I really want to eat unhealthily.

And it's only my commitment to stake alive, to keep food on my family's table,

that I don't eat as unhealthily as I would really like to.

So it's a daily struggle of resisting unhealthy things.

Yeah, I would eat anything.

The more, you know, I love sausages and bacon and eggs and chocolate and everything, you know, everything that's that's really bad for you.

Would you kick off the day with the full fried breakfast?

Yeah.

Is the Scottish breakfast better than the English breakfast?

I wouldn't say that because I never, again, a full breakfast is something when I was a kid, you never had a, you know, what did you have?

I don't know, a slice of toast on the way to school.

So all this business of full English breakfast that belong, that's all part of, that's marketing.

Ah.

It's all about capitalism.

That's all that is massive selling to you that you should buy this full English breakfast.

Or full, ironically in Scotland, big surprise, it's called full Scottish breakfast.

Yeah, they get really annoyed, by the way, if you're in Scotland and you ask for a full English.

Yeah, you shouldn't,'cause it's well, you wouldn't in America ask for a full English breakfast, would you?

Probably.

Would you?

Well, I d I I've let it slip out sometimes when I'm in Scotland and go, I love a full English and then a Scottish person will go, it's called a full Scottish.

Yeah.

And it is different.

There's potato like potato squads on the.

There's more blood.

Yeah, there's more blood.

Square sauce.

I love square sauce.

Yes,

I wouldn't get uptight about it, really.

Who cares?

I like porridge for breakfast.

And of course, people think, oh, that's because you're Scottish.

But I never had porridge when I was a kid.

As I say, we'd a slice of toast on the way out the door.

If we were lucky.

We never had, I got porridge because it was...

If you're doing a show like, say, Doctor Who, and you're like on that for 11 months of the year,

you get breakfast every morning because you're there at like half six in the morning.

If you order a full English breakfast at half six in the morning or 11 months,

you know, you're going to have to regenerate at Christmas time because the customs are not going to fit you.

You can only get through the tartar.

You're going to be bigger on the outside.

It'll be doctor.

What the fuck happened?

Exactly.

So you can't.

So I said, look, just get me porridge.

Yeah.

Why don't you just simple, just get me?

So I would come in the morning, I'd just have a bowl of porridge and off I'd go and blow up some daleks.

Yeah.

and that was because it's slow-release energy, isn't it?

So that's what you need to blow up the Daleks for sure.

Yeah, or to wrestle with men in latex, yeah, well, that's at night.

Uh,

uh, yeah, so yeah, porridge would get me, get me through, get me through to lunchtime.

Nice.

Who was your favorite uh villain to beat up on Doctor Who?

When you saw it on the call sheet, oh, the Daleks went, I can't wait to go.

The Daleks, I would go in when I wasn't working.

It was a scene where they,

come on, the Daleks invaded a space station, yeah,

and they were, you know, there were guys with, you know,

full kind of SWAT team outfits waiting for them.

Who's not going to go in and watch all that?

I wasn't in the scene, but I was standing there going, yeah, cheering as they blew them up and all that stuff.

12 Daleks coming through down the corridor.

That's fun.

Slice of toast.

Like the old days.

Yeah.

Dalek Cyberman, I quite liked.

I can't remember really beating up.

I did have to fight rubber spiders,

which I enjoyed because of the

old Baylor thing.

I liked them all.

They were all varying degrees of,

some of them were a little less cosmic

than others.

But

they all smelled of latex.

I mean, that's that always takes me back, is the smell of rubber.

You know the

scenes where the doctor changes into the next doctor?

Yeah.

Regeneration.

Regeneration.

Thank you, Warren.

Now, obviously, I would assume that you're filming your scenes on different.

They filmed their bit as their doctor.

And then you're filming your bit separately, obviously.

But do you go in for their bit as well, for that scene?

I went in for Matt, because Matt Smith turned it to me.

Yeah.

And that was so great.

It was so lovely.

Because Matt's wonderful anyway.

He's a wonderful actor, but he's such a nice person.

And it was really emotional.

We just said, and

he gave me the watch that he wore as doctor who and passed that to me.

And we had some little words together and then he just

handed it over to me.

But we couldn't do that with

Jodi we couldn't do that because

for some reason they weren't starting filming till way later

or maybe they hadn't announced her or something.

So I did mine on my own

and just finished it.

But in the old days that's how they used to do it.

They used to just have the other person there.

So it's quite emotional.

And also the crew down there are all kind of wonderful.

It's a very kind of warm family.

So people get sad, you know.

But it's nice when a new person comes along and brings it to life.

Watching now with that they bought Tennant back.

Yeah, it's great.

Yeah.

David's lovely.

What are you thinking?

Are you looking at your phone every now and again?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

They might do it.

No, no, I don't think so.

But there's a great piece of film of the original Doctor Who, William Hartley.

And I say the original Doctor Who, I mean it.

who was the story of how he left the show is clouded in mystery, so I don't really know exactly what happened.

But he ended up in Panto and there's a wonderful interview with him, which is the last piece of film of him

being interviewed in his dressing room, about to go on stage in the Panto.

He's in Walthing or somewhere like that.

And he's quite openly down on the whole Panto thing.

He makes it quite clear that he's a respected character actor of the British stage and film.

Yeah.

And not a front-of-cloth comedian.

Yeah.

Is that a familiar term?

Boys, front-of-cloth?

I've just heard that, but like...

I know, you know the term front of cloth, surely.

Do I?

Yeah.

That's when you really need a shit.

You've got to get some.

It's an old musical term, right?

Because you'd be in front of the curtains while they set up for the next bit of the variety.

He says we're being behind because

the cotton came down.

Yeah.

And someone would come out and do some funny business, some funny business be a front of house cloth comer.

Keenan and Kel.

Keenan and Kel

at the start.

Yeah.

Yeah.

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Your dream drink, Peter.

My dream drink.

Well, because I don't drink, I drink,

I drink ginger beer.

Nice.

Which is nice.

Fiery?

Fiery ginger beer, yeah.

But my friend, Kate, I might not keep going on about this.

this, but obviously it sounds like I'm plugging it,

which I am, but unnecessarily, because it's really busy.

It's this restaurant, the Floral Hall, because Kay does, she makes me a

ginger and elder flower drink

with her own recipe.

I don't really know what's in it, but it's wonderful because it feels mildly alcoholic.

I used to drink, I mean, I used to really like drinking, but it stopped the way most men from the west of Scotland have to stop drinking at some point.

And I used to love red wine, Rioca.

You know, a nice Rioca would be

a favorite drink.

But I was also quite, I think I fell for the labels.

There was a spat, because there was a Spanish wine that used to have like a lovely painting of a kind of Velafquist type man with a big, you know, rough on, and he'd be holding a glass of wine and smiling.

So I'll have that one.

Yeah, you thought that man looks like he's having a good time.

Yeah, that'll do for me.

I'd like to be that man.

Yeah.

But you're an actor, so you could be that man if you want to.

Do you ever think that?

Just wake up one morning and just pretend, just be someone else because you're that good of an actor.

Chameleon.

Yeah, I can just be that guy from the mind.

I can be anybody.

Yeah.

Of course I can.

No, I've got this face.

I can only be

a person with this face.

Well, that's the thing for all actors, right?

That

maybe would help with the rejection.

Is that

so much of the time what they're looking for is so specific.

The truth is, the thing that they're rejecting is the thing that somebody else will buy.

You know, that's what makes you different.

It's the thing that the people don't...

You're not going to work for everything.

So you get to a point where you're the only person that's right for the job.

It must be weird with the...

I mean, going back to Doctor Who, that is multiple people playing that role.

You wonder what exactly they're looking for.

I mean, I don't know what exactly they're looking for each time.

Is it they just want something different from the last person?

I think James would be a great Doctor Who.

Do you agree with me, Peter?

You'd have to cheer up a bit.

You can talk.

Yeah, but the audience has not seen my smiles.

That is a pot-kettle-black situation

talking about.

No,

I think it'd be good.

Yeah, but you'd have to be a bit more

child-friendly.

Yeah.

Child-friendly.

I'll take that.

Yeah.

Quite happy with that.

Yeah, yeah.

I often worry that I'm too much like a...

a kids comedian or kids tv presenter no i don't think so

it's been a long time since i've watched kids i I need to say it.

I've got Edge.

You're an edgy guy.

I'm an edgy guy.

Maybe a companion.

I could be a companion.

No.

What do you think to that?

Yeah, I think you could be.

Well, it depends who the doctor is, of course.

Yeah.

As to whether he could be a companion.

For a whole series?

For a whole season?

Matthew Walsh did it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bradley's a talented guy, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah, but I could do it.

Bradley Walsh did it.

John Bishop did it.

Yeah.

Another talented guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sure you could.

Cut from the same cloth, front of cloth.

So, for your dream drink, do you want this ginger and elderflower from, what was the name of the restaurant, sorry?

Floral Hall.

Floral Hall.

Do you want the elderflower and ginger from there?

Yeah.

Lovely.

We'd have to get in touch and find out what it is.

Because I just say, give me the thing.

Yeah.

And she brings it.

That's fine.

That's great.

I sound like I'm sitting there like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

On the throne.

An effit prince.

Bring me the thing.

That's right.

They're panicking in the kitchen.

What does he mean?

Bring the thing.

The dauphin.

And is it on the menu?

Or is that something that's just made for you?

That's made for me.

The capaudi.

Well, it's like, you know, Zoe Wanamaker, who's also in Criminal Record on the show, and it's wonderful.

Zoe has

a cocktail which you can buy.

I don't mean she markets it.

Yeah.

It's just that she's been an enthusiast of cocktails for some time.

And so at the at the old Ivy,

they created a cocktail called A Wanamaker.

A Wanamaker.

Which you can buy all over the place.

How do you make a Wannamaker?

Do you shake her the Wanamaker?

I don't know.

You'd have to get Zoe on, which she could do.

Would love to.

Would love to get Zoe Wanamaker on.

I wonder if she'll wanna Wanamaker.

I wonder if she'll Wanna Wanna make her.

Do you think she'll wanna wanna make her?

Well, I don't know.

I think she might have heard these jokes before.

It's nice to

know.

I doubt it.

I don't think so.

I wonder if there's is there whiskey in it, the Wanamaker?

I've no idea.

It might be Wanna Maker's Mark.

That's a type of whiskey, Peter.

that's good stuff that's good stuff she hadn't heard that she hadn't heard wanamaker's mark yeah i think she's

peter there's no way she's heard wanamaker's mark

your dream desserts peter my dream dessert um i love custard yeah and i love so much respect if your dream dessert is just custard absolutely i would have just custard i love i've always loved custard i think it was because when i was a kid and i went to the dentist or anything like that, my mother would always reward me with

custard.

And I learned how to make it as well.

Your mum was rewarding you for going to the dentist with custard.

Well, I mean, going to the dentist or something that was unpleasant.

Yes, sure.

You know, she would help me.

I think directly...

Just because it was a dentist, it made me laugh as, well done, your teeth are healthy.

Here's a pot of custard.

Well, that's very Scottish.

That was the way we were brought up.

Most kids were like that then.

They were given sugary and sweet things to help them through the rough times.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

But then I learned to make custard, but that, you know, and it would come in powder.

I don't think it was, you know, I don't mean classic French custard or whatever they call it, creme, whatever it is.

Birds custard.

Yeah, it was creme anglaise.

Yeah, creme anglaise.

It was powdered and it was like kind of, you know, radioactive and bright yellow.

Yeah.

that stuff but i love bread and butter pudding oh yeah i think bread and butter pudding is one of the greatest dishes and I make it myself with panettone

which is you know an Italian cake

it's a bread with sultanas and fruit in it and I use that and I slice that up and lay it in a dish and then put all the make up the the custard mix and pour that all over and bake it and that is amazing yeah

this is so Before we started recording this episode, you were saying to us like, how many of you recorded?

We've done like about six episodes this week.

And one of them, someone told us their recipe for some bread and butter pudding earlier this week and described it to us and both times it's been a bit of an inventive twist on it you your panatoni and it's just made me want to immediately yeah have some bread and butter pudding but have exactly what you've just described try it try and make it myself i think it's a sign that we've got to try this ed because it's a sign from the universe that we've got to have some bread and butter pudding so yeah

and would you then when it's done and it's baked and you've done it would you add more custard to it i would yeah i would personally others might not but i would and then i would have really looked forward to if there was some left the next day because of that slightly congealed yeah kind of thing uh and then add custard to that um

i often think as well it's kind of vaguely it's a it's a relative of lasagna in some way because it's you know it's a sweet cousin it's a layers layers of of of stuff yeah with other stuff in between and a kind of creamy yeah binder Yeah.

Yeah, it's certainly not.

Probably you'd do it in the same dish almost, wouldn't you, if you were making it in a sort of lasagna dish.

And funnily enough, those are the only two dishes I can make.

Bread button pudding and lasagna.

Oh, great.

Have you ever done them back?

Do you do them back to back?

No, that's too labor-intensive.

Yeah.

I wouldn't be able to say that.

We don't have enough.

We don't have enough.

You just got the one dish.

We only got the one dish.

Yeah.

So we couldn't do that.

And there's no point making a little version of either.

I mean, this might be out too outrageous, Peter, but have you ever thought about doing a half and half in the dish?

Same dish.

That wouldn't work sweet and savour.

Yeah, but but they're separate.

There's just there's probably a bit in the middle.

You'd have to have a dividing thing.

You'd have a dividing thing or you just avoid the strip in the middle.

The strip in the middle.

The strip in the middle where they touch.

No, but they have to be overbrimming.

You have to have either enough custard or enough Bechamel sauce.

You have to have too much of that.

Yeah.

So that it comes over the side.

So they would mix up.

You can't do it.

It would be horrible.

Have you ever heard that song?

I can't go back to to Savory Now.

No.

You haven't had it.

By John Shuttleworth.

Oh, I love John Shuttleworth.

Oh, he does a fabulous song.

And it's all about he's eating, I can't remember how it goes, but he's at dinner with his wife and his daughter.

And he's eating, they've got like mince pie or something like that.

And he's eating that.

And then his sweet comes along, and it's possibly custard or something like that.

His daughter, meanwhile, has been taking longer to eat the mince pie and has decided she's had enough.

Yeah.

and she's leaving some so she offers her dad some mince pie but he's eating his custard eating the custard

and he says i can't go back to savoury now which is the sad refrain i saw him do a whole song at the end of the festival um just about cereals that he likes yeah and it was so funny yeah but like just this is just for ages just listing every single type of cereal yeah but i'm going to read your menu back to you now

see how you feel about it peter okay you would like Glasgow tap water.

You would like a bread basket.

Turned on by Billy Connolly.

No, Pala Nattini, we would have to.

Palonatini.

Problems of Bread would like a bread basket that gets topped up without ceremony.

Without ceremony.

And without you knowing, without you having to ask.

Starter, calamari, main, spaghetti carbonara.

Side dish, a rocket salad with parmesan shavings.

Drink, ginger and elder flour from the floral haul, which is called

a capaldi.

And as a panettone bread and butter pudding with custard, your own recipe.

For sure.

Absolutely delicious.

I want that bread and butter pudding.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I'll get some sent over.

I won't really.

What?

Because we're in the show business.

This is the show business, me.

Yeah.

This is what we've been doing.

We should have dinner in our situation.

I'm a little bit pretty guy.

Yeah.

Your little twist on it, I like.

I'll send some bread and butter pudding over to you.

Yeah.

You should start saying that to everyone, I think.

I once did, I was in this film, Maleficent.

Oh, yes.

which Angelina Jolet was in, and she was lovely.

And she was at the height of her extraordinariness.

And I would see her on the set and she'd just be extraordinary because I'd never seen anyone who looked, you know, she'd look at you and it would be like being hit with a water cannon, you know, because she was so extraordinary.

Was she in costume as well?

And like she had like horns and stuff.

Yeah.

And she was very, very sweet.

And one, because I played, I'm not in the film, I was cut out.

This is another one.

This is Shobus.

I played The King of the Fairies.

but

that part of the film, they changed

the story so that she was no longer brought up by us.

So we were on the cotton room floor.

But I had to be in makeup for a long time, and a lot of the fairies had to be in makeup for a long time.

So that meant we finished filming.

We still had two and a half hours of getting all the stuff off.

And so we'd go into the makeup room and get all the stuff off, and everyone else would be home.

But one night there was a little tap at the door

and someone was there with a large tray that that Angelina had sent with a couple of bowls of wine, some cheese, some apples, some fruit.

No bread and butt pudding,

but a lovely little gift to get us through the night.

That's a classy movie.

Stay away from those apples, Peter.

That's actually out of order.

It sounds like a nice gesture, but she's trying to fuck you up.

Thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant, Peter.

My pleasure.

Thank you for inviting me.

me.

Well, there we go, James.

Lovely stuff.

Lovely stuff.

What a lovely man.

So nice to meet him.

Yeah.

He was also, after we finished recording, he was delighted that he gave me the correct directions to the American church.

He's very happy about that.

You went to the toilet and he was going, I'm so glad I gave you the right direction.

That's good.

Yeah.

Well, you've made us day just telling him.

I mean,

what a nice thing to happen for someone just to come up to you and go, here's something you don't even remember doing.

Yes.

But it was nice.

But it was nice.

And thank you.

And obviously, I knew who he was, but I didn't have time to say, nice to meet him.

I'm a big fan of your work.

Same with me and Bill Night.

Yeah.

It feels good, though, doesn't it?

Yeah.

If it was really good, stopping a celeb, asking for directions, not acknowledging who they are, and just going on your way.

Yes.

It feels great.

Yeah.

So if you do want to ask James for directions, don't acknowledge who he is.

Yeah.

I'll love it.

I'll try and give you directions.

Yeah.

He won't know where the fuck you need to go.

No, I have no idea.

Yeah.

I do my best whenever anyone asks me.

But thank you.

Also, I didn't say it during the episode.

The worst feeling is when someone asks you for directions and you have to get your phone out to look on Google Maps.

Yeah.

I had to do that.

Some people in...

It was Glasgow, actually.

Was it?

I was in Glasgow.

And some tourists stopped me and they wanted directions to...

The hard rock cafe.

And I was like, I said, I'll give you directions, but I don't think you should go there.

I said, there's so much good stuff here.

Yeah.

So don't go to Hard Rock Cafe.

And then they laughed.

Yeah, but please.

I was like, okay, I'll do it.

But like.

But there's bad.

Don't go to Hard Rock Cafe.

Like, definitely don't eat there.

But they really wanted to go.

Well, we loved having Peter in, and he did not say Hershey's.

Do not say Hershey's.

Thank you, Peter, for not saying Hershey's.

I can't wait to have bread and butter pudding again.

I gotta eat that Panettone bread and butter pudding.

Oh,

I'd put cold single cream on Panettone bread and butter pudding, I think.

Would you?

Yeah.

I'm thinking I'm team custard.

Yeah, you're team custard all the way.

Get on it Apple TV Plus.

Watch all eight episodes of Criminal Record.

Peter Capaldi and Kush Jumbo.

Yes, I'm very excited to watch that.

I will be watching that.

ASAP.

Also, just to tie up some loose ends in the episode, he said Tapas weird.

We were aware of it.

Yeah.

But we didn't pick him up on it.

Yeah.

In fact, I like the way he said Tapas and I'll be using that from now on.

Tapa.

Tapa.

Yeah, I'll start saying it.

Tapa.

Global Tapa.

Yeah.

Tapow.

Remember that band?

Yeah.

Maybe start calling it Tapau.

Thanks very much for listening to Off Menu.

We will see you again next week.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

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Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladil here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies is coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September.

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