Ep 219: Jamelia (Live in Birmingham)

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Hello and welcome to the off-menu live episodes.

This is the first live episode that we're releasing, James.

Just to be clear, we're not doing this bit live.

No, this is not live.

We're not dying on our ass.

If you, if you, well, look, I mean, if they think this is the radio now.

Yeah.

Because we're saying this is a live episode.

Yes.

And I think the listener needs to know this is not live.

Why are you saying the radio?

You know, this isn't on the radio, right?

But that's what I mean.

if people think this is like the radio when it's live oh right no no no no no this isn't happening now yes so when we say

for us it's happening now yeah but for you hearing it is not so when we say live episode we're going to play you when we went on tour yes and we did the podcast live with a special guest on each tour day and that's what we're about to play you in front of an audience yeah and that's why i've not done my traditional intro because i do that on the live episode ed does it on the live episode yes uh and this episode was recorded at the Birmingham Hippodrome on the 8th of October 2023.

It was the first of our tour shows.

And the special guest was the wonderful Jamelia.

We couldn't believe it.

We couldn't believe that Jamelia said yes.

And also, just to let you know, if you weren't at the live show, there might be some jokes in this that don't make sense to you, but they're callbacks to the first half of the show where we went through the audience's dream menus.

Yes.

Yes.

And it was specifically my intro.

on a lot of these live shows specifically relates

to something that happened in the first half.

If you don't understand that, that's absolutely fine.

You you weren't there, you're not supposed to understand it.

Um, but you know, the rest of it, you'll be able to get to grips with fun game for yourself.

You can imagine what was said.

Yes, make your own first half in your head.

We also get the audience to pick the secret ingredients for the episode, and the secret ingredient that was selected this week was grey peas.

Yes, which is a specific thing, specific Birmingham thing.

So, listen out for grey peas.

Pray that Jamilia does not say grey peas.

This is the first of the off-menu live tour shows with the brilliant Jamilia.

Jamilia

Ed.

What's up, man?

Why don't you kick this second half off like only you can?

Ah.

By doing one of my famous intros that genuinely, even though this is the first date of our national tour, I didn't remember how to do it until I was in the dressing room just now.

He forgets every single episode.

It's really fun to watch.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast.

Taking the potatoes of humor.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's not it.

Cutting them into the oblongs of friendship.

Dipping them in the orange

batter

of the internet and oh no, the oil was going to be internet

and frying them in the oil of

Welcome to the podcast!

That is Ed Gamble.

My name is James A.

Castor.

Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest.

We ask them their favourite ever start and main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week our guest is

Jamelia!

Very excited to have Jamilia on the podcast.

This is obviously a hometown show for Jamelia, so we're very excited.

Hometown show, but who knows?

Will there be choices that you can relate to that are Birmingham classics?

Will there be some that are Birmingham disgraces?

We will see.

Who knows?

You already know the secret ingredient.

We know how to go through that.

Just keep that in your head.

Should we just crack on, James?

I say

we just crack on.

So without further ado, this is the off-menu menu of Jamelia!

Please take a seat.

Welcome to the Dream Restaurant.

Hi, guys.

What are you doing, James?

Huh?

What are you doing?

Yeah, sorry.

Thank you.

We do not want James here.

We need the genie here.

Everyone, imagine.

Imagine you're rubbing it.

Woo!

Welcome, Jamilia, to the Dream Vest Ruby.

It's been you for some time.

Thank you.

That's a big entrance to follow up.

It was a bit rubbish for me because I could see him crouching now.

Sorry.

That didn't happen.

That never happened.

Jamili is lying.

I've got a lion on the pod.

It's a real shame.

That would be a terrible genie.

If you got a lamp and you opened it up and you could see him just in there like that.

That would be less magical, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

That's quite demeaning for the poor genie, actually.

That's why you should rub it first.

Jamili just did a face that suggested, what sort of podcast have I come on?

The best podcast in the nation.

Yeah?

One off.

Sorry.

Sorry.

We got

Slam Eliad.

We got Jam Slammed.

Early Doors.

I didn't know we were jamming and slamming, didn't I?

Don't you apologise, Jamelia.

That is the perfect response for that.

Yeah, you got us, man.

What are the other good podcasts?

You got any favourites?

I mean, we don't normally do shout-outs for the podcast.

the only podcast I listen to is the off-menu podcast

and judging by the chat we had before you came out here

you listened to it for the first time in the car on the way here

I said I was I was like doing research I wanted to make sure because you usually have comedians on so I was like oh what could be a funny answer to that but now I'm just gonna answer honestly don't you don't need to think of a funny answer you've come straight out here and slammed us into hell.

You've got this, Jamilia.

Also, you're a fan of our work in general, aren't you, Jamilia?

You saw us on TV.

You were saying to us backstage and then you said, actually, no, I'll save it for when we're on stage.

But you were going to compliment us, I think.

I feel like we're starting off on the wrong foot now.

So basically, what I told them in the dressing room was that I watched them on Haunted and I was very annoyed

because they weren't playing the game properly, they were messing about.

That was Jamilia's first words to us

was,

I saw you on Celebrity Hunted and we were like, here we go.

She went, I actually found you quite annoying.

I really did.

But I was really excited when I got asked to do this.

I was like, oh, okay.

that should be fun

because you are funny so i thought and i like to laugh so i'm like shall i go home

oh my god

what was it on sorry to dwell on this

what was it that we did on celebrity hunter that you found particularly annoying because we tried our best on that

i just don't think you did

you you just kept doing like silly things like letting everyone see where you were, telling people where you were.

Like, you're supposed to be hiding, it's like a hide and seek, but you were like, we're here.

It's the last thing they'll expect.

Yeah.

They'll try to catch you.

If you keep saying, here we are, we're here, you're showing them your face, they're going to go, it can't be that easy.

And they leave you alone.

That was our thinking.

Yeah.

And then you shot them with we?

No, no, I shot them with water, but I told them it was piss.

More mind games, games, Jamilia.

You've got to do this when you're on the run.

And what we found is the best way to live your life is to anger ex-cops and military men by telling them that you're spraying them with piss.

Because then they really rough you up quite a lot.

So you don't even get the pleasure of actually shooting them with piss and you still get beaten up.

Yeah, they didn't like us at all when we did that to them, to be fair.

No.

But in general, I thought we did really well on Hunted.

Okay.

We were in Birmingham for Hunted?

hunted?

Yeah,

we came straight to Bermuda.

Straight here.

Yeah.

Straight here.

Yes, because I remember I recognised where you were.

Yeah.

I was like, in that town.

Because you were in town?

Yeah?

Yeah, maybe that's not good if people didn't recognise where we are actually.

Hearing that out loud, we came and we got, we instantly got Tiger Bites Pig Balbuns when we got

on the run.

That was our first, well, it wasn't our first food on the run.

We immediately went to a Michelin-style restaurant and had a meal.

That was intrusive.

But We did quite a lot before Togo Black Spring.

Yes, again, we're not there now.

And then we went to Birmingham.

You threw your shoes out the window on the way there.

I had to give you a piggyback through some of Birmingham streets because it was covered in glass and needles.

Was that Broad Street?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then James bought a wig,

bright pink wig.

Yeah, yes.

Yeah, which bear in mind, Jamelia, I don't normally have bright pink hair.

Can you see why I was annoyed?

What would you do if you were on the run and you were being hunted?

What would be your first course of action, you reckon?

Well, obviously, like I wouldn't use any cards, I wouldn't use my social media, I wouldn't like turn up at a famous restaurant.

Sorry, I'm not shading you, but like, I just wouldn't do everything that you guys did.

So we served a purpose, in a way, for...

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah.

You're foodie?

Are you a foodie?

Is this going well or really bad?

I'm not sure.

Every time you say anything, everyone pisses themselves laughing.

So I think it's going well, and it's at our expense as well.

So from our perspective, we feel like shit, but you're really bringing it.

I'm loving it, Jamina.

This is how most people treat me all the time.

It feels great.

I'm sorry, because I'm really excited to be here, Jamina.

We're very excited to have you.

Yes, we are.

Especially with this backdrop, it's wicked.

The set's mad, isn't it?

Yeah.

It feels

unnecessary.

Once we sat down to have a chat with you, it just, yeah, it does not feel necessary at all, does it?

What was the vibe that you told the designers?

Yeah.

Here she comes again.

Slam jam, baby.

Slam jam.

We basically said just do as many fart clowns as possible.

It's about food.

there's a poppadom behind us a poppa dom there

okay

yeah yeah were you wondering what that was

about half the audience went oh

oh jesus how much of that cost bonita sorry i thought it was the moon but okay

i think it's the moon max

You guys know that that's a lamp, right?

Because I did a whole thing with that a minute ago, and that's embarrassing if not.

You're a foodie, Jamelia.

I really am, like in every way.

Like, yeah, scarily so.

No, not scarily so.

Everybody likes food, don't they?

Yeah, most people do, for sure.

Well, you definitely do.

Come to a podcast about food.

Like, come on.

Urea.

But, yeah, I'm sorry, sorry.

No, good on you.

Hey, listen,

if you do get scared of food, you're in the wrong show, motherfucker.

I feel like I'm being really really rude.

I'm not a rude person at all.

No, you're not.

Do you mean?

I know you didn't catch the entire first half, but I called one man a cunt three times.

Oh, no!

You're not being rude.

Okay.

You're right.

You're alright.

You're the height of manners compared to what they have to tolerate

at the start of the evening.

And you're right.

These people love food.

For example, there's a woman over there who regularly drinks soy sauce.

Drinks?

Yep.

Swigs it out of the bottle while she's cooking to trick herself into thinking it's normal.

It's not.

You just got slammeled.

Jam-slammed.

I commissioned this TV show.

Yeah.

There's an audience with Jameelia, but she just slams everyone.

And then looks really guilty about it immediately afterwards.

Yeah.

Who's got a funny quirk?

I think it's soy sauce.

I think it's normal.

It's not.

Applause.

I'm so sorry.

I feel awful.

I slammed

it.

I like slamming Indian people.

I'm trying to stop slamming people.

Do you cook as well, Jamilia?

I love cooking.

I recently got to the final, well, final five, but you're still the final of Master Chef.

I saw it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I will mention that a few times.

That's fine.

I watch it.

I actually find you quite annoying on that.

Me too.

I kept crying crying every five years.

You were brilliant.

Did you serve them the food and tell them it was piss?

Did you?

What I would have done is piss is piss.

No.

I love to cook.

I love to eat.

I love to go to restaurants.

I love watching people cook.

So I watch all the food shows.

I listen to the food podcasts.

I'm a proper foodie.

Excellent.

Yeah.

Tell you who you wouldn't enjoy watching cook, old soy glugger over there.

We always start with still a sparkling water, Jamilia.

Do you have a preference?

I do, but, okay.

My preference is still, but

I really hate when you say still and they bring you tap water in a bottle.

Because a lot of people, like, I want like a bottle with the lid screwed on, not like, like, not, you know, when they have those bottles with the,

you know, the little thing.

And you've just filled it up in the tap and I hate that.

Because if I ordered sparkling, you'd bring it me in the bottle.

Sorry, is that just like two pinnickets?

No, this is great.

We've done like over 200 episodes of this podcast, and I don't think we've had anyone angry about those tops to bottles before.

Because they've realised it's a scam.

Scamelia.

Well, it is.

So many TV shows that we've come up with tonight.

Don't know what's happened to me, Matt.

It's the rebooted version of Watchdog, and it's called Scamelia.

Welcome to Scamelia.

First of all, the bottles, the bottles, the gold.

What the fuck is industry?

That had water, that had still water.

And I don't want to sound like a cheapskate, but I never know, like, are they charging you the same price as they charge you for sparkling for the fake still water?

I mean, I know it's still water, but it's from the tap.

But it's just in a bottle, but you just filled it up at the tap.

So it's not really, I don't want to pay for that.

And I hate tap water.

There's a a lot to address there.

There's a lot to unpack.

One, I think we should start calling tap water fake still water.

Yeah.

That's a great name for tap water.

Fake still water.

There's some fake still water here.

In a restaurant setting.

In a restaurant.

If I was in someone's house.

You wouldn't go, that's fake.

I mean, to be honest, I'd up for the cup of tea because you boil the water then.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But if they didn't offer me a cup of tea, then I'd just be like, oh, no, I'm all all right.

Because you hate tap water, I don't drink tap water at all, ever, ever.

So, if you're ever at someone's house and they go, Do you want a water?

How do you get around that?

I say no, just say no.

No, no, thank you.

Because I am quite, I have got manners despite how we've started this podcast.

What do you not like about tap water?

It tastes different, and also I'm very particular of I'm not promoting, well, I am now, I guess.

I'm not promoting, but I only drink Aviam.

Ah, keeping it teal.

Good stuff.

I only drink Aviam.

And when I was offered water today,

I said, Yeah, can I have it?

But can I have it in a plastic bottle?

And can I make sure that the lid's screwed on?

And he was a bit like, oh.

Absolutely amazing.

I think you're the only person in the world still going, and I will have a plastic bottle, please.

Well, that's what he told me.

He said, we only have water in cans.

And I was like, why is it in a can?

He was like, oh, it's better for the environment.

And I was like, yeah, I still love it in the plastic bottle.

So hold on.

Hold on a second.

Jamilia.

Slam, Mother Nature.

Do you know what?

I really did so much good for my reputation on MasterChef.

And in this one episode of this podcast, I'm going to be right back down there as the most hated woman in Britain.

But let's carry on.

I love that.

Yeah, it might be in cans.

You go out there and get me a fucking plastic bottle and then afterwards I want you to go and throw it into the sea.

Well all the fake water comes from.

Do you mean it?

Yes.

You were saying that like you want it in a bottle so it's so that you know they haven't messed with it.

So you can open it.

But in a can, surely, that's the ultimate.

There's no way they're scamming you there.

Absolutely.

I've just never heard of water in a can before.

And I think that I don't want to turn this into a therapy session, but I think that it's the fact that I've got trust issues, and that's why I need,

but because I'd never heard of it being in a water, I mean, what is this w can o is that what it's called?

Can of water.

Cano water.

Can of water.

Is it yours?

Canno water.

Is it yours?

Your brand?

No.

Oh, okay.

Sorry.

No, the way you just said it was like you named it can of water.

Is every an your brand?

No, but I've been drinking it.

It can of water.

It's can of water.

It's available from all good water stores.

Imagine if that was my brand.

And you rocked up here and went, I don't want that shit.

By the way, you're annoying on Celebrity Hunted.

What time does the show start?

I just listened to it in the car on the way here.

I'm going home.

Not really.

I'm listening.

So you don't trust it because it's in a can?

It's not that it's just.

I'm sorry to continue to grill you on this, but it's blowing my mind.

No, I've just never heard of it being in a can.

Now, Evian has got like this kind of milky taste, and...

Don't tell me that's coming up on the dream.

Oh, my goodness.

Just a heads up.

You've completely split the room again.

Agree with that.

It's got calcium in it, and I think that's why it has...

I don't like milk and I don't drink milk, so I've always thought if I drink this, then I'll be getting my calcium in.

And as I'm saying it out loud, I'm like, you would.

Oh, my goodness.

You get your calcium from water because you don't drink milk.

Yeah.

Can we start again?

No, I get it.

I don't trust milk because it comes those, we've got those foil tops, and anyone could, you know, remove that, replace it with fake milk, and put it back on.

And you know what fake milk would be.

Oh my God.

Thanks for that.

Sorry, Jamilia.

I was lowered the tone there.

So are we going with, what are we going with for the dream menu?

I'm completely lying.

Oh, yeah, what are we going with?

What kind of water do you want?

Still water, but in a bottle with the top screwed on.

Yeah, so no one's messed with it.

So no one's messed with it.

Poblaps on bed!

Poblaps up bed, Jamilia!

Poblams or bed!

That genuinely scared me then.

Yeah, well, if you listen to the podcast before, wouldn't I have scared you do that?

No, no, I got you papa there, didn't I?

You weren't expecting that.

I know you were expecting it at some point, but I got you good.

You shouldn't have seen your face.

Do you have a preference for pop-adoms?

I definitely do.

I feel like it's unfair to put popadoms and bread next to each other.

They're like,

they're not in the same category.

I would say poppadums, and I don't want to offend anyone here because, yeah, I just don't.

But aren't poppadoms in the same category as like crisps?

No?

No.

Okay, maybe I'm wrong.

Are poppadums crispy?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yes, no, I know what you mean.

So they are, I mean, in terms of texture,

definitely in the same category as crisps, but I wouldn't put them in the same dining category.

I'd say if you got to a restaurant

and they bought out a packet of Watsics.

I'd love that.

I'd love WhatsApps.

Well,

maybe that's going to be your choice.

Okay, so I would choose bread, but I don't like hard bread.

You know, like with that really thick crust.

Yeah.

Yeah, I hate having to fight to get into it.

I also don't like bread with butter in a restaurant.

You might be our most controversial guest yet, Jamilia.

You don't like bread with bread and butter in a restaurant, but do you like it at home bread and butter?

At home, I don't like bread and butter, but I like toast and toast with butter, but it's got to melt into the toast.

Sorry, I'm going too deep here.

No, no, no, you are absolutely not.

This is what this podcast is all about.

Yes, it is.

But in a restaurant, the bread has to be warm.

I do like it if it's got like something else going on, like rosemary and salt or something.

I don't know.

Just something else sprinkled.

And with olive oil and balsamic, you know, you have to do that dippy thing.

Oh, I got them back.

I got them back.

Yes.

And I like to do that dippy thing.

So, yeah.

That sounds good.

Give me a cheer, the bread and butter people, the people who like the butter.

And olive oil and balsamic?

Very bad.

Some people being boiled alive as they

love it.

And how long have you been into that for?

Because for me, olive and balsamic, that wasn't an early days thing.

That was like when I was in my 20s, maybe I tiptoed around that.

Well, I first

like ate out anywhere.

Well, apart from the chip shop, but I first ate out when I was about 20.

So I'm one of those people who, no, I was one of those people that, you know, I started going to a restaurant and then I kind of became a restaurant person because it was like, oh, I like this.

And so, yeah, I always feel a bit posh when I do that whole thing, when I know about it as well, when I know what to do, like I know I'm supposed to pour the balsamic into the olive oil, or maybe it's the other way around, I can't remember anyway, and dip it in because not everyone knows that, but you seem really quite cultured when you do that.

How long did it take you from going to a restaurant for the first time when you were 20 to when they asked you what water you wanted?

Going, you better not bring me fucking fake water.

To be honest, I actually don't usually say yes to the water in case because they might bring me out the fake with the fake water.

And I don't want to be rude because I genuinely don't like being rude, which

contrary to popular belief here,

I actually, yeah, I don't like being a fan of it.

Your fear is being in the position where you have to send it back.

You don't want to be in that position.

No, no, no.

I'm not a sender-backer.

That's not the right thing.

Yeah, I'd never send my feedback.

Because I just feel like I'm, you know, you're going to upset someone.

Someone's going to be upset or shouted at, and I'm not.

I'm not afraid of that.

You filled the water bottle up from the sound.

Exactly.

I don't want that person to get in trouble.

No way.

Yeah, yeah.

They get called into the boss's office.

Let your million in today.

She was not happy.

I think you know what this is about.

You've been sending out the fake still water again.

I can't get over what happens to balsamic vinegar when it goes into oil.

It's fucking magic, isn't it?

It is.

It's like a lava lamp every time.

Exactly.

Blown away by it.

It is.

And then when you dip it in the bread, it does like another little thing.

It's like, whoop!

Do you know what again?

That's a good impression.

If that was, if we were doing like charades and you had balsamic vinegar on the card and you did that, let like that

balsamic vinegar, next card.

Fake water bottle.

Let's get into your menu proper now, Jamilia.

Yeah, yeah.

Your dream starter.

My dream starter.

Now, because I couldn't have it, I feel like it's kind of like bread.

And I'm also,

I feel, I'm just looking around and I feel like I'm going to alienate everyone now because I don't think, I don't like to be presumptuous, but you don't look Jamaican to me.

That's a fair assertion of this audience, I think.

And let me reassure you, when we came out in the first half, we were devastated about that.

Because

we had been told.

We're like, yeah, well, this is what we get.

So

I would say, if you haven't tasted one of these, just write this down and make sure you do, like, within the next week, DM me and tell me how amazing it was.

But it's called a fried dumpling.

Has anyone ever ever had one?

Oh, do you see?

You see, that's because we're Brummies, we're very multicultural and we try each other's food.

Did you change your tune?

Very quickly.

No, but I forgot I was in Birmingham, so it's kind of like I did actually, you know.

So, have you guys tasted fried dumplings?

Oh, I love that.

I don't think I have.

Have you?

I don't think so.

I said I don't think I have, but

I do appreciate it.

What did you have it?

I deliver everything with the same tone of voice.

Do you remember what you had it with?

No, I've not had it, Jamal.

Oh, you haven't had it?

Interesting, and where did you have it?

I thought you said you had it.

This is why I was so good on what I lied to you, man.

They never knew if I was lying or telling the truth.

Same tone of voice forever.

I want to hear more about it, though.

It's just, it's kind of, that's what I was saying.

It might be a bit controversial because it is a bit like bread,

but it's not because it's, oh, it's just delicious.

But I'd have it as a starter.

And I did say I would mention MasterChef a couple of times, but it was one of my dishes that made Greg go

on the show.

And I was very proud of that.

You should get fired for that.

Greg should get fired.

Sorry you had to put up with that, Jamelia.

No, it was fine.

I consented.

I was very happy.

Who were you up against in MasterChef, by the way?

Oh, you were up against about 50 other people.

So to get down to the last five, it was quite good.

Who's in the final?

Yeah, in the final five was Luca Bish from Love Island.

Can I tell you a bit about Luca Bish?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, can I say before you state the story, I don't know who they are,

but if someone from Love Island made me some food, I'm not eating that.

No way.

Riddled with STDs.

I would imagine.

He was really lovely, by the way.

Everyone on the show was really lovely.

Yes, yes, okay.

But

he's like from a very well-to-do family.

His dad supplies fish to all the Michelin-starred restaurants in London.

And so he was getting trained every day by Michelin-starred chefs.

I thought when he went on love,

when he he went on Love Island, when he's like, I'm a fish man.

Yeah.

That's the thing.

You'd think he was like proper out there doing that.

He did nothing to do with it.

He's just a Nepo baby.

Slovellia full force.

Bitch dead.

No, I want to repeat, and don't edit this out.

What's that guy's name?

Benito.

Benito.

Yeah, don't edit this out.

What did you call him?

Benito?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, I thought you could him Binto.

He's lovely and he did work hard, but we just didn't all have, you know, Michelin-starred chefs.

Am I saying it right?

Michelangelo.

Yeah, no, no, you are, yeah, you are, but it's absolutely bonkers that you didn't.

Ed's been on Love Island.

Have you?

Do you know?

I genuinely thought you had.

Yeah, he is.

Well, you won't.

Have you?

No, Julie.

He's one of the contestants.

A few years ago, there was a contestant on a love island called Curtis Pritchard.

You do look a bit like you.

Good point.

Sorry, sorry.

No, no, you made a sound, that's the sound point.

Yeah, you do look like it.

But yes, that's who James is referring to, Curtis Pritchard.

Oh, okay, yeah.

And then I thought it was all over, and then Curtis Pritchard learned how to do stand-up for a charity show.

So there was just loads of pictures of him with, like,

he's trying stand-up comedy for the first time.

People were going, that's a bit harsh on you, Ed.

You've done it loads.

They're married now.

Ed married him.

Okay.

Nice.

Congratulations.

Thank you, Jamilia.

Who else was in the MasterChef final, Jamilia, before we carry on with the...

I do want to hear about these dumplings, but I also

will ask you throughout the

episode who was in the MasterChef final.

Let's get back to this dumplings.

So who's done this?

What they got in them?

So, the fried dumpling that I made on MasterChef was like a curried chicken dumpling.

So, I curried some,

very self-explanatory, curried chicken inside the dumpling.

It sounds so basic, and it really is, to be honest.

It's something I would make with my eyes closed, but it's delicious.

So, I'd have that as a starter, but just, I don't know, sexy it up a bit so it looked a bit nicer than it actually does.

How do you sex it?

Did you sex it up for the MasterChef, people?

No,

No.

Just gave them it as it is.

I kept mentioning

my presentation or lack thereof.

Because I was just like, you just have to eat it?

Like, why does it need to look?

Well, I kind of agree with you.

And also, if it made Greg go,

imagine what he would have done if you'd sexed it up.

Exactly.

That would have been gross.

That would have been gross.

Disgusting, man.

Did you know that Greg's not a chef?

Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

he's a green grocer and a professional rugby referee

i said to him i got a bit carried away after my um my chef round you know where you get to work in the restaurant um i got a bit carried away went back in the kitchen i was like yes chef he was like i'm not a chef i'm a green grocer i was like what so why are you presenting master chef

They didn't keep that bit in.

Do you also, did you notice about Greg that he has a compulsion to make bad puns at all times?

Dad jokes, but do you know what?

I love a dad joke.

Oh, I really love a dad joke.

I'm making that sound really sordid.

It's not like, I don't mean like that.

I was like, oh, I love a dad joke.

Yeah, at all times.

I met him recently and he went, oh, just to let you know I do.

He warns people

because he can't help it.

Just to let you know I make jokes.

And we were doing a radio show together and Beyoncé was playing.

He said, I love Beyonce.

I said to my friend the other day, I love Beyonce.

and he said, Yeah, it's great, helps you float along in the water.

I said, No, that's buoyancy.

But he looked like he couldn't help it, and he looked angry at himself for saying it.

I've not met him before, but uh, it's lovely, yeah, sounds lovely.

Sometimes, if you don't have an anecdote, you can just move on.

And I've not met him before

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dream main course

right i recently again i think this goes to my trust issues

I love I do love a restaurant, but I recently discovered a restaurant in Birmingham.

It's a Korean barbecue called Heidi Lao.

They serve you you all the ingredients, but it gets bought to you by a robot.

Stay with me.

Stay with me.

Now, when we asked you to a dream restaurant, it didn't have to be a restaurant that you've seen in a dream.

I know, no.

It is amazing.

So they bring you all the ingredients and you kind of cook it yourself.

Yeah.

And I kind of like that because you know that it's been cooked well, you know?

And it's delicious.

You order like the meal and then they'll bring you like spring onions and I don't know what everything is, chicken, prawns, whatever.

And you put them in this, like these.

It sounds so weird.

It's like these vats of like some's water, some's like a soup, some's like a thing.

But you cook the whole meal yourself.

It's a hot pot, right?

Yeah, hot pot.

I think that's what it's called.

There's a Heidi Lao in London as well.

It's really hot.

Oh, is there?

Yeah.

Okay.

It's not unique.

It doesn't have a robot, though.

It doesn't have a robot.

Not the one in London doesn't have a robot.

It goes with people.

Yeah, you lot would probably steal it that's why

sorry

sorry

just that it's

i don't that you literally you're so quick and you're like bang see you later then oh my god i'm so sorry

transform yeah

i didn't mean you but i just mean like london you mean londoners in general All people in London?

No,

I'm just saying like in Birmingham we can be trusted to have nice things.

You stole Tom Cruise's car?

What?

Didn't you?

I thought Tom Cruise had his car stolen round him.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I did hear that Tom Cruise was in town in the bull ring.

He came to Birmingham.

He had a curry, right?

Twice.

Same curry twice.

Had his photo taken outside the curry house, loved it, went back to his car, someone had nicked it.

Probably a Londoner on holiday.

Yeah.

Tiny little car though, he's pick it up and walk away.

He's small.

He's small.

Because he's short, Jamilia.

He's short.

I love this.

Hot pot.

So a robot brings it to you in Birmingham.

Yes.

And with all due respect, this sounds awful.

It sounds it, but it's so fun.

Yes.

Oh, I haven't mentioned yet.

I've actually got four daughters.

And so we,

and I don't know why I feel like this.

No, it is important.

Because it's like an interactive meal.

But like, I've got my eldest daughter's 22.

I've got another one.

She's almost 18.

A five-year-old and a baby.

Everyone's entertained.

Goodness.

Everyone's entertained in this, like, because you've got the robot, you've got got the cooking, you know, you got a...

And they're very nice to kids as well.

They give the kids like...

There are, like, servers in there, like, to help you out.

So what are they doing?

So the robots bringing stuff out.

What are the people doing?

I'll be honest, I'm pretty...

I'd be pissed off if a robot brings me the food and then I have to fucking cook it myself.

Yeah.

You're a robot.

But it's inconveniencing a robot, are you?

The robot can make it.

Well, no, because it's part of the experience.

It's really fun.

I agree.

I love hot pot.

I think you're right.

I think it's brilliant.

And you get different flavoured broths to cook everything.

You get like a spicy one with like beef tallow and you can get all sorts of stuff.

And maybe, I don't know if it's because I'm new to it.

But I'm fascinated by it.

Like, I've tried loads of different cuisines and stuff like that, but I just thought that this was...

genius and as I said it might feed into my trust issues but it's the fact that oh I cooked it myself so I know it's all right Never had a problem.

You trust the robots?

Yeah, I love the robots.

AI, big, big problem right now, Jamil.

AI is scary, and these robots coming out.

How do you know when these robots, like when there's the uprising, these robots aren't going to like destroy us all?

Are you trusting these motherfuckers?

I don't trust these robots.

They're not like putting together the dish.

They're just

like this, and they just come up to you.

Come up to your table, you take the food, and they go.

It's amazing.

Okay, well,

what would you do if a robot comes over and it brings the food over and it puts it down and it looks at you and goes enjoyable you don't trust a human being to bring you water but you

you trust a robot to bring you boiling hot broth but no the robot's just a bit of fun there are servers in there and they're really kind and really cute and they give the kids toys and stuff.

What's your favorite thing to dip in the hot pot and cook it?

Yeah, yeah.

So they've got this, like

it's like a prawn mash, which sounds disgusting and it looks disgusting as well.

But when you put it in and cook it, it's actually really nice.

Like, it's something that you never knew you wanted to taste, but now that you've tasted it, like, even now, I'm thinking about it, I'm like, oh, I wonder how long they're open till.

Like,

I come across prawn mash.

I'm the mash king.

Jamilia.

I don't know if you know this.

You're strictly potato.

You're old school though, aren't you?

Yeah, but maybe the mash king could turn his hand to mashing prawns.

Yeah.

What kind of like, was it proper, like, look like mashed potato with prawns, or was it just like...

No, no, no.

It's just, it's just prawns.

Or like, imagine like minced prawns.

I don't know.

It's like a little pile.

It sounds disgusting.

And you like scoop a bit, drop it in the water, wait till it goes pink.

And it kind of floats to the top when it's done.

and it's delicious.

I'm back in Jamila on this, I've had it, it's absolutely delicious.

And did you get the handmade noodles when you were there?

Oh my gosh, yeah, I forgot to tell you about that.

There's a man who walks around and he's like doing all of this stuff.

Literally looks like me.

He's giving an impression of balsamic vinegar.

But so...

Imagine, like, this man, it looks like he's going a bit crazy in the corner.

So you're like, what the?

What's going on?

Sorry, I don't swear.

And then, and then you realise, oh, he's making noodles, like, he's just got them all flying around, and then he serves them to the table.

I wasn't brave enough because I wasn't sure how hygienic it was.

The old trust issues coming back.

Also, I love the way you explain that only to me, even though I was the one who brought it up and I've seen it happen before.

Yeah, it is amazing.

Yeah, they whip them round and stretch them out and stuff.

Yeah, you didn't trust that.

No, no, no, it was so entertaining.

Yeah, I just, I'm not there yet with the, with the, you know, airborne noodles.

Because he kind of like whips them around the restaurant and, like, after Colobid and stuff like that, you know, I'm a little bit like, ooh.

Well, what?

Come on, due to COVID.

A man swinging noodles in the air is like, that's probably got COVID on it.

But a robot coming out with all your food on a tray, this would be fine.

Yeah.

You sure?

Yeah,

I don't like thinking about it.

Because

this was in the news.

COVID sticks to noodles more than it does anything else.

So if you're whipping them round,

you get all COVID on the noodles.

So COVID-noodles in this place.

Sorry, that was really funny.

Well done, James.

First time she said that, we've been on for 45 minutes.

Didn't know that's what we got told if it was funny.

It's crushing to find that out 45 minutes in.

It's a great choice.

I absolutely, yeah.

I love Hot Pot.

I've been to a branch of Heidi Lau.

It's excellent.

It's really good fun.

Who else has been there in the Birmingham one?

Anyone been to the Birmingham one?

Yeah.

Sounds like more people have got to go if you all live here.

Have you got a bag?

Have you got a.

Is that a bag from Heidi Lau?

No way.

Love it.

What did you get in the bag?

We got little cookies.

We've got little cookies.

Love it.

You're the happiest guy in the world.

Did you meet the robot?

wicked did you see the noodle man

love it did you eat the noodles

interesting

fucking hell

because I haven't seen this noodle man to be fair he could look absolutely gross yeah

it must be isn't it something to do with that particular man no one wants to say it

Yeah, I don't trust the noodles after COVID.

Put it that way.

So sneezing and spinning the noodles around.

He puts what he does is, you've not seen it, he puts one up here and then pulls it out the other.

I love the thought of the noodle man having a cigarette break with one of the robots.

Well, they're like you, it's easy for you to say they're fucking like you.

No one wants a single noodle.

You just have to be more charismatic and friendly.

In your head, is the robot like a man robot who like walks around like that?

It's like an R2D2 or like one of those ones.

Yeah.

They're there, noodle man.

It's okay.

One day they will eat your noodles.

You just have to blow your nose.

See you later.

I'm on the clock.

Work.

You know what it's like.

Yeah, yeah, fuck off.

I've had it over before.

Your dream side dish, Jimmy.

A side dish.

Have either of you guys tried planting?

Yes.

Has anyone tried planting?

Anyone else?

Oh, my God.

Love it.

Love it.

So, okay, do I need to explain what planting is?

Oh, some people might not know.

Okay, so it's basically like a banana that you fry, but it's delicious.

I mean, banana delicious as well, but like a savory banana, but it's not savory.

It's

not because you serve it as a side dish, you don't, it's not a fruit, you don't eat it as a fruit, you don't eat it like you'd eat a banana.

Am I explaining it right?

I actually don't think I know what one is now.

I did before you explained it, I knew exactly what plant was, and now I have no idea.

I'm not sure if I do either.

No, it's it's just delicious, it's the most delicious thing.

You can cook plant plant in so many different ways, but I like it fried.

That's my favourite way.

And you can have it with any savoury meal.

Although I put it in a sandwich on MasterChef.

I told you I'm going to mention it a couple of times.

And they told me, oh, this doesn't go together.

It wasn't my finest moment.

I was very embarrassed because I'd been banging on about it all day.

But yeah,

Gregan, what's his name?

John.

John.

Sorry.

I didn't.

No, no.

No, John!

I love John Taraud, I know his name, I do.

No, I love them, but yeah,

it didn't go down too well.

It's time for another quick update on who was in the final five.

Are we getting another person from the final five?

Who else?

Yeah, so Love Island.

Yeah, strapping because one of them is going to blow your mind.

Wynne Evans, who do you know who Wynne Evans is?

Yes, James is going to be excited to find out who Wynne Evans is.

He is the guy who did the Go Compare adverts.

Go Go Compare.

Wow.

That guy, man.

That's insane.

I'm obsessed with that guy, yeah?

Gio Campario.

Huh?

Gio Campario is the name of the character.

The character's name.

Yeah, do you not know that?

The character's called Gio Campario.

Geo Campario, how do you know that?

Well, just know it.

Just something you'll know.

It's a good thing.

Does anyone else know that?

Oh.

Some people know, most people didn't know it.

Greg Wallace would love that.

It's a funny pun, isn't it, Geo Compario?

Go compare.

Is that a pun?

Don't think it counts as a pun.

I'm not very good at comedy.

Do you remember that time Jamilia thought you were funny?

It was six minutes ago.

I'm going to carry that in my heart always.

Wynne was.

What was he like?

Because it's the thing with him.

Wynne Evans.

Yeah.

I've just learned that's his name.

I think it's amazing that he did this just mascot character.

Yeah.

And it's got all the way now to like the adverts are often him playing himself in some sort of like pathos.

Yeah.

Quite sad, melancholy advert with him as himself.

And then the GoCompare Man comes in, but then they both are on screen and they both kind of look at the camera like, this is our life.

And it's all very, like, he's playing himself and he has a chat with the Go Compare Man that's always like, you know,

oh, well, this is it, old friend.

Here we are still.

It's like, oh yes we're still here and oh well I guess you better do it and he goes go compare then they both go

and it's

it's amazing I've never seen an advert do that before well yeah I mean he's actually my friend now like I love him to strap him for a slam no no no no no no no I was just gonna say like he has done so well off of those adverts like I'd love a gig like that he's yeah he's it's changed his life and um yeah he's proper

I don't want to say too much, but yeah, he's

done quite well.

The great thing is, is I suspect what you mean, if we just keep looking and leaving silences, she will just tell us exactly the thing she doesn't want to say.

Exact bank balance.

Yay, he's done quite well.

I'm not going to, yeah.

Sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it.

I feel so silly.

This feels like at some point during the final when Evans walked up to you and he was like, How's it going?

How are you doing, Jamilia?

Yeah, good.

I'm just trying to work on this plantain sandwich.

They say as I'm working, it's really stressing me out.

Yeah.

I'm having a bit of a nightmare myself over there, not going too well.

Not that I need it though.

Okay, good luck.

I said, I said, Jamilia, I said, I don't know if you need it.

Yep, good luck on your win.

I'll see you in a bit.

Yeah.

Might check my band balance while I'm here, actually.

Ooh.

Yeah, I guess that is a lot.

I'm just going to leave my phone here.

You can go compare.

Should I tell you one thing, though?

The most brummy thing I did was I did ask him, can you get me any money off my car insurance?

He can't.

That's what Tom Cruise asked when he was here.

Doesn't have to worry about that now.

Fried plantain, we're going.

Yeah, yeah.

Not in a sandwich.

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

That's delicious.

Your dream drink.

Right, my dream drink is:

have you ever had carrot juice?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Love it.

Okay, carrot, not just, not just the juice of a carrot.

It's like...

Oh, sorry, I thought that's what it was.

No, then.

I have to reframe what I think about everything today.

Actually, you know what?

Sorry, this is really unprofessional.

I'm going to change what I had just because I feel like this is a better answer.

I do want to, but you can't leave us with the carrot juice, Mr.

We do need to hear what carrot juice is if it's not the juice of a carrot.

Carrot juice is delicious, just as delicious as the drink that I'm going to choose.

Yeah, but what is it?

What is carrot juice, though?

It is the juice of a carrot, but it's mixed with like condensed milk and nutmeg and cinnamon, and it's absolutely delicious.

Can you use evaporated milk instead?

Absolutely not.

No, because they are interchangeable in a lot of things.

Definitely not.

It would be disgusting.

I feel like that's an insult to me.

I don't want him to fuck James.

James's mum did a recipe for us once.

We did a cook-along together on Zoom during the pandemic

because

when we went back into the second lockdown, because someone had fucking noodles.

Out of context, if anyone takes that out of context, that's me cancelled forever.

Yeah.

That sounds bad.

If any of you are filming this, just clip that up and put it online.

Kurt has up to his usual tricks.

I'm fine with that.

You could do that.

Anyway,

James's mum said, I'll do this.

And I did the recipe and it was shit.

It was a bad recipe.

That's all you need to know.

She did not, Jaminia.

She gave him a precise recipe and he ignored the recipe.

It said condensed milk.

He ignored it and replaced it with evaporated milk and then complained afterwards that it didn't taste how it was supposed to.

Yeah, that'll do it.

She's a shit cook.

Are you having that?

Have you two ever had a fight?

I'm not instigating, I'm just asking.

Your honour.

No, I can't fight him here in front of everyone.

I'll get him in the dressing room when he's not expecting it.

Speak about my cussing my mum out on stage.

Terrible, terrible.

So you're not choosing the carrot juice?

I'm not going to go for the carrot juice just because I would like to educate the audience.

And maybe you already know what this is, but have any of you ever had something called sexy juice?

Sexy juice, right?

Yeah.

And it's not, hang on.

No, it's not that.

Hang on, I've been tricked before with the carrot juice.

Okay,

sexy juice.

Right, sexy juice.

It's basically the same as carrot juice, but you

but

you substitute the carrot juice for pineapple juice.

Maybe that's why it's called sexy juice.

You know that thing about pineapples.

So let's hang on.

Let's cut back.

I can't wait to listen to this.

Oh my gosh.

So we've worked out why it's called sexy juice.

There'll be people in here who don't know what you mean.

Explain what you mean.

Right.

Oh, I hope my mum doesn't listen.

All right, moving on.

Right, so sexy juice

is.

Sorry, did you say you want the recipe?

No?

Yeah?

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, it's pineapple juice, condensed milk, bit of nutmeg, bit of cinnamon.

It doesn't sound all...

It's not fancy, but it's delicious.

It really, really is.

Yeah, I don't want to speak about sexy juice anymore.

Fair enough.

We all know why it's called sexy juice now.

Respect the guest boundaries.

I'm not going to make you talk about sexy juice anymore.

I feel like I've made it so awkward I'm so sorry

let's go back to carrot juice let's carrot juice that's my dream

no that sounds like very nice

do you think you've now ruined sexy juice for yourself though yeah now that you've put that in your head no I'll still have it

good on you mate

we can bring you like a tumbler of each if you want you can have some sexy juice and some carrot juice thanks yeah no worries thank you really appreciate it

No, don't worry about it.

Does that work with any other foods?

Say it again, sorry.

Does the thing work with any other foods?

The thing?

The pineapple thing that we're all thinking about now and won't stop thinking about until after the show's done.

Does that work with any other foods?

I don't know.

Are there any like parent and child

in the audience?

There are.

Oh, there's loads of.

I'm so sorry.

No, because no, I'm just saying, because they might have to have the conversation on the way home or something.

I mean, you don't have to.

You don't have to.

We'll do it now.

It's the most awkward question

of any parents and children.

Sometimes

when two people love each other very much.

Look, I don't know the science behind it.

I don't know if it's true.

Me neither.

Don't look at me.

I I don't.

I don't know.

Sorry, just look at Ed.

And I don't know if it would work for other fruits.

Certainly the only myth.

I've got 14 tour shows left.

Certainly heard the myth about pineapple.

Yeah.

So tomorrow night at the Royal Abbott Hall, I'll eat pineapple before the interval.

Yes.

And then we've got a way to open the second half, haven't we?

That probably exists in fan fiction somewhere anyway, so we might as well.

Oh my goodness.

Loads of fan fiction about us, fucking.

Yeah.

Just talk about food and then those grubby little perbs online.

Well, I don't mind it.

No, because you're always the dominant, and I'm always getting

fucked and crying my eyes out.

I love it.

Look at him, fucking grubby little bastard.

I'm always the one drinking the pineapple, put it that way.

Oh, SpongeBob here.

Oh my God.

Oh,

if you had told me this is where this was going to go,

I'd have still been here.

Oh my goodness.

Well,

I don't like saying this sentence after what we've just been talking about, but we arrive at your dream dessert.

Pineapple upside down cake.

My dessert is going to be what I was going to make for the MasterChef final because there comes a point, right, where you're doing quite well on the the show that you then start to believe oh i'm gonna end up in the final i'm gonna end up in the final and i got really i got

i got really cocky towards the end and so i don't know if anyone saw my last episode but it was an absolute i'm gonna swear shit show and it's just because i i didn't practice i really thought i was a chef i really thought ah I don't need to practice.

I've got this.

Like, I really thought I was going to end up in the final.

final.

Turned out I was, it was an absolute disaster.

Anyway, before you go on the show, you have to tell them what you're going to cook, like, weeks in advance.

So, I had it all planned.

And I'm going to try and describe it to you.

Yeah.

Because I don't know exactly what it's called, but I just kept watching all these like Chefy videos on YouTube.

I was like, oh, I'm going to do that.

So, let me describe it.

So, it's like

trying not to look at him because you've just said a whole bunch bunch of things which we inherently find funny, and we know we've got to like get to the end of the show.

But we both find it really funny that you were going to make a dessert, you don't know what it was called, can't remember.

You watch some YouTube videos of Chefy things and thought, oh, I'm going to do that.

Every single point there

was something that we both know the other one finds amusing.

And I was trying not to look at him and then caught him at the last minute looking at me, going,

Gotta go for it, Jamilia.

Sorry.

So I've got to describe it now.

It was going to be like...

I hate stuff like this, but I was going to do it anyway because I thought I was a chef.

It was going to be...

You hate it, and it's your dream dessert.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So it was going to be a deconstructed...

Yeah, exactly.

You're already annoyed.

It's taken so long to get here.

If I would be that person in the audience when I hear this, but listen to what I thought I could cook.

Right.

So a deconstructed apple crumble with a custard foam

with sponge sugar inside a chocolate sphere, and it was going to have like

smoke coming out the

show making dumplings

and I thought that I could serve John and Greg that that was that was what I was gonna have.

So that is my dessert.

Don't know what it's called, but bring on the jokes.

Shut out the sky.

Bring on the jokes.

Can't do anything with that.

If every guest figured that out, all they need to do is say their food choice and then go, bring on the jokes.

Guess we got nothing.

I think that that example just shows you how deluded I was by the end because you do actually go mad, but you actually go mad.

Like, I really.

Nah, not on a cooking show.

No, I.

People stay very sane on those things, you know.

You've got to keep things in perspective, Jamil.

Honestly, like, I was making pasta from scratch.

I worked in the restaurant, like, one time, and my dish was me repeating the meal in a Michelin-starred restaurant.

Like that was one of the dishes that I made on the show.

I was so deluded.

Like I was literally like, I can do anything.

I'm actually a chef.

I was so gutted when I got voted out.

Had you practiced the deconstructed apple crumble with custard foam inside a chocolate sphere with smoke coming out of it?

Not at all.

Not even one element of it.

Well, I've made an apple crumble before.

So you're halfway there, basically.

Exactly.

How hard can it be?

Yeah.

I made deconstructed flapjacks once.

No points for me either.

I mean, it does sound nice, though.

Yeah.

That sounds like that would taste nice.

So you saying that what you would like for your dream dessert is that done well.

Yeah.

Do you want it still made by you?

So you've got that thing of like, oh, I actually did the thing that I set out to do, or do you want it made by someone else?

The robot or something?

I think I'm all too aware now that there is no way in hell I could create such a dish.

So I would like it made for me, please.

But this is the dream restaurant.

This is the dream restaurant.

I'm a genie.

Yeah.

I'm going to give you the power to make that dessert and you could make it.

I didn't know you could do that.

What the fuck?

No, because

no one's ever questioned my powers before and something I can't do it.

Doesn't feel good, does it, man?

What the hell?

Well, I just thought it was a restaurant, so we just get served.

I didn't think, like, I could be the chef, because I like that.

But, you know,

I like how Heidi lows.

I like the way you're like, I didn't think I could be the chef.

You cooked your starter on this menu.

And your main course.

The mobile sported two, and you made that.

You've cooked everything so far on the menu.

Yes.

I didn't know I could be the chef.

Humbled.

Humbled, yes.

Okay, yeah, I'd like to cook it myself.

Because this is the dream restaurant.

You've now have the skills to cook the deconstructed apple crumble with loads of foam inside a chocolate sphere with smoke coming out of it.

Would you like, when you've cooked it, you're eating it, and then John and Greg come in and they try it and they go, congratulations, you are the master chef.

Would you like that?

This is a dream restaurant.

I think I'd prefer the noise.

No, because imagine like,

not just imagine, when you make a meal for someone and they, you know, like, oh, that's lovely, that is.

You'd much rather hear that than, oh, you've won, Master.

I don't I don't know.

I didn't want to.

You'd much rather hear him do that.

Yeah, I mean, not necessarily that, but just

groans of appreciation.

I can hear enough of that when he's clugging down the pineapple juice and getting ready for later on.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now, Jaminia, see how you feel about it.

Okay.

You would like a sealed bottle of still Evion, bread with rosemary salt, with olive oil and balsamic.

Starter, you would like curried chicken fried dumplings made by yourself and MasterChef.

Main course, hot pot from Heidi Lowell, served by a robot.

Yes.

Side dish, fried plantain.

Drink, sexy juice and carrot juice, so you can drink and compare.

Go compare.

Oh!

Maybe that's

next.

Advert

is him as himself, him as the go-compare, man.

Good question.

Drinking different juices and sucking each other off.

That is funny.

That's a good impression.

Dessert, you would like deconstructed apple crumble with a custard foam and sponge sugar inside a chocolate sphere and smoke coming out of it, made by yourself with the powers I've given you as the genie.

Yes, thank you.

Good menu.

That sounds good.

Pretty salad.

A good meal.

I also like that Jamelia is so committed to having a sealed bottle of Avian that she hasn't even fucking opened it.

Doesn't trust it.

As soon as she opens it,

it breaks the spell.

You're right to do it because with my genie powers, I've turned it into piss.

This is piss, just look at it on hunters

thank you so much for coming on the off money podcast Jamelia Jamelia everybody

and thank you very much every single one of you making part of the audience

we very much appreciate you coming

good night

well there we are wonderful what a wonderful way to kick off the tour that was, Jay.

Thank you so much again, Jamilia.

We thanked you profusely in the corridor afterwards, even though you had made mincemeat out of us and slammed us absolutely

in front of the audience.

We were still ever so grateful.

And we still are to this day.

Not the first of our live guests on, well, the first, but also not the only guest on a live tour who went away, got fantastically dressed up and looked amazing, and then came back and realized we'd just put some t-shirts on.

Yeah, we put our own merch on and went on stage.

Yes.

So sorry.

Sorry.

And we'll be releasing the rest of the tour shows every Saturday in the order of the tour.

So you've got 14 more of those to come every week, as well as the studio episodes.

You can see, because it's recent order, you can see if we get more or less tired as the tour goes on, you know?

First five were five nights on the bounce.

Five nights on the bounce.

Bear that in mind.

Bye.

Bye.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast, that's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes.

They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok.

At Off Menu Podcast.

On YouTube, you can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.