Best of 2023: Part 1

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Well, James, it's the end of another year in the Off-Menu Dream Restaurant 2023.

Bye-bye.

See you later, 2023.

We loved you.

We loved you with all of our hearts.

Ed, do you know this year we've reached our 200th episode are you aware of that yes i am we embarked on our first ever tour yep and we finally found out if pool rudder likes sauces big year big year in the dream restaurant and we would like to welcome you to part one of our very favorite clips from the 42 episodes that we've put out this year yes big hello to me uh listening at home for the first time this year of course this is the episode that you listen to you clean your house and you listen to this yep hope you're enjoying cleaning your house man these are all really funny these clips.

Any tips you want to give yourself for cleaning your house?

Yeah, I mean, remember, you've now got four cats, so you probably have to do a lot more cleaning than you had to do this time last year when you just had two.

Yes, remember that you've got four cats, James.

Remember that you've got four cats.

You've got to do a lot of cleaning this year, man.

Like, you've got to be vigilant.

But you've got all these clips to get you through the cleaning.

Well, let's kick off the best of episode in the way that we kick off the actual episodes with still or sparkling.

We've asked over 200 guests in our lives whether they prefer still still or sparkling.

And we're still, and Benito's written this, he says, we're still, brackets lol, because he's amazed at the responses.

He's noticed it's a pun for

on Stillwater.

Yeah.

And we're sparkling, amazed at the responses.

Yeah, it's a weird thing he's put in there.

Let's hear from Jordan Gray, Jenny Clare, Selia A.B., Graham Coxon, Harriet Kemsley, Angela Barnes, Dr.

Maggie, Adarin, Pocock, Judy Love, and of course, the hosts with the mosts, Ed and James.

Letting ourselves down, actually.

Oh no, yeah, it's a Bukaki

we always start with still or sparkling water uh do you have a preference yeah I can't imagine why anyone would go out and order anything but sparkling because I can have still at home on tap and that literally on tap what I've really enjoyed about this part of the pun is that people often lead up to their answer with well obviously that but it's always different well it's obviously one of two but

it's sort of all half always the same, really, isn't it?

Yeah, but always the person is like, clearly this.

Why would anyone else choose the other one?

So for you, it's because you couldn't get Sparkling at home.

Yeah, but I can't imagine a person saying, still,

because obviously...

What's an obvious reason to have still water in a restaurant?

Thirst, I guess.

People who don't like sparkling properly think it tastes rank.

Like, they think it's horrible.

It's like someone's farted in your water.

All this kind of stuff.

We've had all the reasons, haven't we?

Yeah, so many reasons that people are like, why would anyone ever, out of choice, drink that?

But then, conversely, we have like the it's obviously it's fancier to have the sparkling, it's nice, you want a night out, you want to do this, you know.

So, yeah, it's always people just think, I think people don't know how strong everyone else's opinions are about water until they come on this pod.

You could have sparkling at home, I could,

I suppose it's going out of my way.

Whereas I'm here at this restaurant

at your behest,

a bubbly water, like, yeah, it's like a party in my mouth.

Yeah.

I'm the only one that's there, but I'm enjoying the bubbles.

Yeah.

Well, there's pictures on the walls of your mouth of other people who you like.

Pictures of everyone having just had a sip of sparkling water and they didn't realize it was sparkling.

It's all my favourite people going like I would have put a spit coming out.

Are you at the party in your mouth or are you the party in your mouth?

Yes.

Good question.

Saying, have I administrated and invited everyone to a party in my mouth?

My own mouth.

When you drink the sparkling water it is a party in your mouth but are you a guest at that party or are you are you simply the venue yeah you're right no i'm the yeah i'm the venue i'm i'm up in an office counting the money in my own party yeah i took money on the door and then i'm in a dark corner at the party in my own mouth

it's quite sad really isn't it yeah that's what yeah do you think you could recognize your own mouth on the inside

if you woke up and you were inside a mouth and someone said guess whose mouth this is?

It definitely wouldn't be my first.

I wouldn't have thought I'm in my own.

In fact, of all the mouths, if I woke up in a mouth, the last mouth I think was this.

That's the least likely mouth to be.

Because I'm like, I've got mine's here.

However, if I did this and then a giant finger appeared in front of me and it's pulling, I'd be like,

that's my mouth.

That'd be insane, actually.

Yeah, that would be mad.

To be able to do that.

Yeah.

Wrap your head around that.

And then behind...

Here's what happened.

This is the right layer three of the mouth inception party.

Is you put your finger in, I see a giant finger and then the minute i touch that giant finger i feel a tiny me in my own mouth and there's a little me having a party in my mouth oh yeah and it'll go on and on and on

past the big finger touching you you'd be able to see your mouth yeah no brilliant yes you would you would be able to see the inside of my mum again

geez oh i can see why you picked sparkling water now yeah yeah this is great

Still or sparkling water?

Well, they're both quite dull, but I'll go sparkling,

very clean glass, good glass thin rim i don't like a thick rimmed glass or or mug or anything really i like a thin rim um nah

um

and uh sparkling with ice and lemon but what i would prefer on the side and then i'll have some to i'm always a very thirsty person because i talk a lot i get quite dry uh i'll have some tap water on the side as well because otherwise it'll get expensive for you mind you it's a fancy restaurant you pay is it no no

this will be the first meal you've ever had this value for money

this is worth the money oh god my northern heartstrings relax

um and i'd like some ginger beer on the side a good ginger beer ed'll know what i'm talking about yes and good cloudy like proper ginger beer yeah old old jamaica is that ginger i like that and i like the fentamens as well yeah yeah so i like ginger beer a lot obviously alcohol free i've not started drinking yet you'll know when i do

um there will be alcohol involved in this meal jenny i have a question why is it just me who would know about the ginger beer and not james Don't trust him.

I don't think that he'd have the palate.

This sparkling water, you said you want it to be almost no water, mainly bubbles.

Yeah.

Is that not air?

Do you know how like honey has like holes, but then there's like little bits of honey?

Or like Montal cheese has like, I want

size bubbles.

Yeah, I want big bubbles.

And the reason for that is I really like how it feels on my teeth.

I really like how the bubbles surround my teeth.

It feels like they're brand new.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm a late.

Yeah.

You think that too, don't you?

Yes.

I think it cleans your teeth in the morning.

Yeah, it feels like a little like a little spa day for the teeth.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

100%.

Spa day for the teeth.

Spa day for the teeth.

But you want it's like so many bubbles that like this sounds like it would feel like an electric toothbrush.

No, not this many bubbles.

Right for your mouth.

So in between lame sparkling water and electric toothbrush on the spectrum that I want it to be maybe like 20% almost to electric toothbrush, but not painful.

And I want it to be very cleansing.

Do you think you can get too bubbly of water though?

So does it get to a point where it doesn't feel cleansing?

What if you took a sip of this water

and then you opened your mouth and realized that it turned your teeth back into baby teeth?

What if that, something?

What if that?

What if that?

Well, let's think about that for a while, actually.

What if that, though?

There we come to a section of the podcast called What If That?

What if that were Ed Gamble?

Where's James?

James not involved.

James not involved.

Thanks for that.

Yeah.

No guests.

Yeah, just me saying, what if that?

What if that, though?

Well, let me, let me sweeten the pot here.

Let me put this in.

What if?

What if this?

What if?

Oh, that's a good twist.

That's my version.

My phone often.

What if this?

What if this sparkling water that's really, really sparkling?

Yeah.

It will feel the best you've ever...

That good feeling that you're talking about, it will feel the best it's ever felt.

The best feeling that you've ever got from sparkling water.

But it will turn your teeth back into baby teeth.

What if that?

What if that?

I'd have to say, no, I like my teeth.

Yeah.

I'd have to say, if it's half and half, I'll do it.

What if you had half baby teeth and half your teeth now?

Top half or bottom half.

What are you choosing?

Oh, no, I was imagining it.

Oh, left and right, left and right.

I would happily alternate.

Yeah.

It's up and down or higgledy-piggledy.

Yeah.

What if that?

Don't get the chance to say that.

I think that might be the first use of higgledy-piggledy on the podcast.

I've never had that before.

I like the sound of it.

Can you say it again?

Higgledy-piggledy.

Oh, it's lovely.

That English teacher didn't teach you that word to you.

No.

Busy teaching you all the effing and jeffing.

I think i'd go for bottom bottom baby bottom row baby it's got to be bottom row baby because when you smile you don't now these guys could stay hidden their whole lives really

yeah yeah it's got to be bottom row higgledy piggledy baby yeah then i'd get

Then I'd get lip fillers was just for the bottom to make sure.

Yeah, yeah, use the lip to cover it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So in short, sparkling water.

Yes.

But I only go into sparkling water when I stop smoking.

And my theory is that it feels like having a cigarette in your mouth wow because it i don't know what it did to me it did something to my tongue and it it hit the spot of like what smoking felt like yeah i haven't i haven't looked into this interesting we've not heard this before no we've not having a sparkling water is like having a cigarette hot ciggy i have have a sparkling water when i go to stuff on the way sparkling water after banging yeah

you don't mind if i do do you have to nip outside a pub to have a sparkling water in the morning you have a coffee and a sparkling water.

I have a sparkling water after banging just to cool my dick off.

Oh no, you've got to be careful though, man.

If you dip your dick in sparkling water, it could turn it back into a baby dick.

Hold up, hold up.

I've got a baby dick.

Please don't leave, baby.

Don't leave.

I swear.

I didn't know it would happen.

I put my dick in sparkling water and I got a baby dick.

Please don't leave, babe.

What if that?

Can I ask you a question though?

I think about that.

That's another one of my questions.

Do you think it would feel nice to have a whole bath filled with sparkling water?

Like how because you know I mean if someone offered it to me I'd definitely say yes.

I'd want to know what that felt like.

Yeah.

I think it would feel nice.

I think it'd feel incredible.

Like a jacuzzi.

Yeah, for a bit, but then would it would it feel a bit weird and sort of stagnant and it would flatten out.

Yeah, it would flatten out.

But then you could what's that thing that makes bubbles?

That thing you can buy?

Soda stream.

Soda stream, yeah.

You have a soda stream like um like where the taps should be.

Yeah, like like you're a hamster.

Thing is, soda streams don't work.

So I think if you made a soda stream bathroom,

it would probably flood your entire bathroom because they don't they tend to like explode a lot.

Yeah, so that's a no for that, is it?

Yeah, yeah, it's a no for me.

If you had a bath of sparkling water, I'm imagining it with a slice of lemon in it.

Would you do that?

Oh, hello.

Hello.

I'd have a lot of slice of lemons.

Cucumbers in it.

Yeah.

Cucumbers?

Yeah.

You'd feel great.

Yeah.

You'd feel like a drink.

You'd feel like a little umbrella.

Yeah, I don't think you'd feel like a little umbrella.

I think it would be fun to wear one of those hats that makes your head look like an umbrella as well.

Yeah.

So I think if you had loads of slices of lemon in there, great.

One slice on its own would feel dirty.

That would feel like there's litter in the bath.

Yeah.

Loads of slices of lemon, weirdly, would feel clean, luxurious, great.

One slice of lemon, someone's dropped some lemon in my bath, it feels dirty.

Would you let someone drink it?

Yes.

And if anyone wanted to drink it, they could drink it.

There's people out there who are going to be messaging Benito saying, I'm up for that.

Oh, yeah.

There's a few creeps would love to drink my bath water.

Definitely.

Sparkling or otherwise.

Yeah.

Real shame.

Still.

Yeah.

Straight away.

Absolutely.

Not a sparkling fan.

Sparkling, I've always thought, was for Kanas.

I think.

It is, isn't it?

Let's face it.

Why is it for Kanas?

Well, they need really something to cut through all the night before.

You know, they need some fizz to bring them back to life.

I've always thought that that was everybody I know, I mean, not everybody, I'm being unfair, but whenever people order sparkling water when they go to a restaurant, I go, I look at them, I go, oh, yeah.

And I think,

they've been caning it.

So I like to have it, you know, as close to like source as.

I'll be up there sucking on a hillside, you know, if I could.

I mean, it's the dream.

It's the dream restaurant.

If you want to suck on a hillside at the start of this meal, we can do that for you, because I'm a genie, I've got powers.

So if you want to be sucking on the Scandinavian hillside, maybe.

Or maybe even where

in Ashbourne somewhere, that'd be all right.

Is that near Kettering?

No, I don't think so.

I think that's further north than Kettering.

Where are you from in the Midlands?

I'm from Derbys Bond and Derby originally.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My sister lived in Derby for a bit, so I'd go there quite a bit.

Visit I've always spoke about everything about that on the podcast before.

The man called Boston who would sit on the wall.

Yes.

Humpty Dumpty.

You mean Humpty Dumpty?

Sorry, yes.

Humpty Dumpty.

You got mixed up again.

I'm not Humpty Dumpty.

You're always doing that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you'd like to suck on a hillside.

Yeah.

In the humstey.

Would you like in the dark peaks?

In the dark.

You'd be like to be in the dark peaks.

Sucking on a hillside.

Suck on the dark peaks.

Do you want a straw to suck on the hillside or do you want to just a lips to the hillside?

I just like the lips straight on.

Yeah.

Just a bit constricting the straw.

Yeah.

I'd like to get the full pressure, the full water pressure, full in the fizzog.

I think if anything made me suspect someone was a caner, it would be someone sucking off a hillside.

Yeah, yeah.

Not sucking off the hills.

Come on, he's not sucking it off.

But sucking the water off the hillside.

Well, yeah, I guess so.

Sucking off a hillside.

Come on, man.

Sucking the hillside.

Sucking on the hillside.

Letting one's lips yield to the pressure of water

as it springs forth.

Yes.

I think that's all right.

I have a problem though where I do I drink too much

water and I actually have to be careful.

Go on.

Because my mum, I like, I it became like a

maybe like a compulsion.

And then my mum saw in this morning that

people can die if they have too much water.

And so

if I have a drink.

Did your mum say something about drowning and misinterpret it?

I don't know.

But every time I have a drink, she's like, hurry up, be careful.

Because I think you can drown in your own body.

Yeah.

I mean,

you can.

That's true.

That's happened to people.

But I wouldn't say it's necessary for your mum to say, every time you have a drink, Harriet, be careful.

Yeah.

Or she'd like me a little.

Always completely understand someone when you hear just one thing about their pet.

Oh, that's why just every time you give water your mum's like having it be careful you'll drown in your own body

and that your mum saw that on this morning She saw it on this morning and then she was like, I think you have that problem.

And then it made sense because if you have too much, it can make you quite lightheaded and like a bit confused, apparently.

And then that is kind of the state that I live in.

And so I think it is too much water.

And I've tried to cut it down.

And I've cut out squash because that was part of the problem, I I think.

So I can't have squash.

Okay, immediately in this episode, because we've done so many of these episodes now.

Yeah.

And I know James so well now.

I felt James come in at a lower energy than he normally does because he knows that you're absolutely going to handle the rest of this episode.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're going to bring so much to it.

It's fine.

Every 10 seconds, there's something insane coming out your mouth.

Basically, I'm not going to pay attention.

Every now and again, I'm going to tune in and just repeat the last one they said.

Because

you've got squash.

Sorry, how much?

How much water were you drinking?

Are you drinking?

That means that you're getting lightheaded and confused.

It's less now, but there was so much I had to go to the doctor's because

I was peeing too much and I thought I had the problem.

And then they were like, you just have to control when you pee and you have to try and build it up.

You can go longer between peeves.

He gave me a schedule.

He gave you a schedule.

Yes.

Yes, I have to try.

And like, I have, even if I think, oh, I should pee, I have to be like, no, no, no, it's not time yet.

And then I have to try.

Save it all up.

Delay it rather than keep going because then your bladder thinks you mean to keep going.

Uh-huh.

How old were you when this happened?

It was like three years.

So what was it for your

problem?

I was genuinely worried.

Well, they said, keep it like, so start with once an hour and then

build it up from there and then try and go like every two hours, you know, and then ideally you want to be going less than that throughout a day.

So how much if you don't mind me asking, how much were you paying?

So it was it was more like a nervous thing.

It was like if I had to leave the house then like three times in 10 minutes,

which doesn't

make sense at all because I've just been, but then I was like, oh, I should go.

And so then it was becoming multiple times.

And I was like, maybe I've got a problem.

Then he was like, you've given yourself the problem.

Yeah.

And you've got to try and cut back.

So I've had to cut back water and pee-ing.

Yeah.

But now you're keeping all the peeing.

There's more of a chance you'll drown in your own body.

My God.

You're drowning your own.

Your pee will fill up your body.

Yeah.

If you're going that often, there's no chance you're going to drown in your own body, right?

Yeah, if you're getting rid of it all.

But now you're filling up more because

you're rolling the dice.

But you're drinking less.

I'm drinking much considerably less.

So, how much water are you drinking now, though?

You've not answered that.

Look, I've barely touched this.

That glass in front of me.

But I did drink some drink on the way here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you're still not letting us know exactly how much water you're drinking a day.

You're keeping that quiet.

It's hard to be.

Fairly reluctant to answer.

Yeah, it's a few, probably like a few litres of water and then like some soft drinks and then like some coffee and some tea and maybe a wine.

And it adds up, you know, throughout the day.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

yeah yeah yeah yeah but it used to be worse it was much worse it was like seven pints of squash a day and that's just squash

what was your go-to squash flavor um like the orange and but i quite like the orange not no actually not the orange one the peach one that was one i liked i didn't really like orange so the peach one but then i'd have to cut it down because i was like i'm drinking so much so i'd have like half the amount so it was like very weak but then i think i was just addicted to squash i think you just get used to the taste you're looking at me like i'm crazy but i feel like no no, I'm just enjoying it.

I'm letting it wash over me.

You know, when you drink too much squash,

do I know when I drink too much squash?

What?

Do you have squash?

Yeah, we've got it in the house now.

Yeah, my girlfriend.

You can just have it there and you don't.

I'm not really into it.

I don't have to catch it, right?

But my girlfriend loves it.

Yeah.

How much does she have?

Like a pint a day.

Wow.

She can really keep it under

control, yeah.

She went to the doctor, gave her a schedule.

Okay, great, great.

She got it down.

We don't have squash in the house.

I used to be a big squash guy when I was a kid.

I used to love squash, but I would be like, that's pretty much how I took my water.

And now, straight water.

Straight water, yeah.

I'll glug.

I'll be like, I've not drunk water in a while, down to the sixth.

Down a pint.

Yeah.

But then I go to the toilet a regular amount.

Okay.

How many times do you go?

I probably go more than average, I'd say.

But, you know, I've probably been for two since I've been in the building.

So that's two in a half an hour.

Oh, you've got to what really?

I reckon I could go.

I could, if I wanted to, I could go again now.

Oh, yeah, you go now.

Yeah, just wait a minute.

James?

I couldn't go now, but famously, I, you know, I rarely get through a whole episode without desperately needing a pee and having to ask to stop.

And then Ben Benito's like,

he hates it.

So, like, you know, with me, I either absolutely not even remotely need a wee.

Very dry.

Or I urgently have to piss now.

I'm going to piss myself off.

And that's my two settings.

Yeah.

So my two settings are absolutely fine.

And then suddenly, suddenly, oh, shit.

Oh, no, Jesus Christ.

But if you listen to Harriet's doctor, that's probably good.

No, actually, that sounds bad, actually, because, yeah, that's not an anxiety thing.

Or maybe you're not connected with your body.

You're not listening to your body.

Maybe your bladder isn't connected to you in any way.

It's just floating around in there.

Little set-foot guy.

Yeah, got a little loose bladder.

Yeah, probably.

Probably got a little LLB.

Yeah.

I imagine.

I mean, definitely something's wrong with me.

I often think, like, you know, you're 38 now, and this is hitting you with the bag.

Imagine when you're an old man.

I'm scared.

Just going to have to get a bag, I think.

Yeah, I think I'm going to have a bag.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I have to be very open and proud of it as a celeb.

I'm going to have to be very open about that.

You know, with the public and normalise having a bag.

You are.

You'd be an ambassador.

Nice, good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm going to have...

go on all the talk shows about it or do the press tours go on this morning go on this morning talk to them about oh don't my mom sparkling I can't believe at least I'm a fan of the podcast.

I do.

I can't believe how many people don't say sparkling water.

A lot of people, more than half, I'd say.

It's a big division.

Don't they like fun?

What is what?

Why would you?

It's fizzy.

It's it's joy, it gives you a little dopamine hit.

That's what I want from my food and my anything I consume.

I want to get the dopamine hit from it.

But I'm not getting that from a glass of water.

I'll drink a glass of still water if I'm really thirsty and I just need to gulp it down.

But obviously, sparkling water.

celebratory celebratory I have a glass of sparkling water by my bed well that's crazy

I think part of it is I've got like I have problems my ears so I wear sort of hearing aids and things but anything sort of internal in my I can hear because it you don't hear it through your ears you know you hear it sort of through the bones in your skull and stuff so I can hear fizzy water

and that's really exciting it's like oh that's a really loud lovely and it feels like it's sort of okay soothing my ears.

So you're worried that if you were drinking still water at night, you wouldn't be able to know if you were drinking it or not.

It could be anything I'm drinking.

Yeah, it could be anything because I can't hear it.

Yeah, yeah, I like to be able to hear my drinks.

Is that not normal?

Okay, a multi-sensory experience drinking the spark and water.

We've not had that before.

I think fizzy drinks are a bit like what's that stuff?

Popping candy, you know.

It's a bit like that, that sort of when you can hear it in your brain and you go, oh, this is mad, this is amazing.

Do you have a pot of that next to your bed as well?

Always.

Yeah, I still click my teeth with it, actually.

What is the best food

to hear oh that's a good one well obviously anything crunchy is quite good to hear i mean popping candy i've already said that's i can remember so clearly the first time i had it it was on the front of a copy of the beano they gave you a oh yeah yeah yeah

in the what they did there's space dust as well space dust yeah or you used to get highland toffee sometimes on the front of the beano remember there was um that little packet of space dust and i remember going to the park with my friend and i opened it and i put it in my mouth and then i i think i thought i was having a seizure I started crying I was like something's terribly wrong

always been a hypochondriac and I just had my friend had to be like oh no no no it's supposed to do that and I was like oh it's in my head

make it stop and then when I realized that I wasn't dying yeah okay again this is good

I want more now I'm gonna get the meano again

warheads did you have warheads at that age the super sour lemon warheads the sweets that were like there's a challenge on the packet for like how long you could last without spitting it out oh like jawbreaker sort of yeah they were like this really like the most sour thing i've ever had in my life

and um yeah we used to try and like properly like do the challenge of how long you could keep it in your mouth for and then they released hot ones like it was just like yeah super like i mean they were horrible yeah seen those um you know the jelly belly bean thing like the really good flavors but you can get the ones i can't remember what they're called i bought them for my godson once where it's like a russian roulette one and some of them taste of like dirty socks or vomit or

you're supposed to yeah they're pretty great i've never understood that no why would you want to if you're buying yourself sweets yeah why would you want to make sure that some of them taste of vomit or no but it's quite nice to do that to children oh yeah yeah that that you know buy them for children for christmas the thing they love the most sweets and then

they've got to learn yeah that's i i could understand that yeah and also they get really excited about it like especially because of harry potter and stuff and like the birdie botts beans so like my nephews if i said to them like yeah some of these taste like you know piss and shit they would they would be really excited about it

until they got one that tasted like yeah yeah i thought you were excited i don't know if i'd notice because i don't know what tastes like come on you know what it smells like yeah but i don't know what it tastes like i know you ed i know you know what it smells like

i do know what it smells like why is it if you know what it smells like you know what it tastes like but then why does i've never understood this why does shampoo smell so nice but taste so horrible oh yeah like why does it taste like it smells yeah and why does it smell chemically but it tastes chemically how do they do that so you're saying shit might taste nice Might taste like shampoo.

Yeah.

Yeah, it might taste delicious.

Yeah.

Shit might taste like shampoo smells.

Yeah.

Like a tongue twister.

Shit might taste like shampoo smells.

Yeah, I've already can't do it.

Yeah.

Well, this has to be still, because sparkling water makes me burp.

Mike, yeah, like,

well, actually, I was thinking, because this is, um, this is the restaurant, the genie restaurant.

So burps could be a lot more fun here.

Yeah.

In which case, I would go for sparkling water, because if burps were sort of rainbows and tasted of, oh, yeah, anything you could think of, then that would be worth it.

What would you like the burp to taste of?

Oh, gosh.

I've got a 13-year-old daughter, and she's got a vodka thing at the moment.

I don't know why.

Right.

She doesn't actually drink it.

She doesn't actually drink it, but she's got an obsession.

Midji I turn 18, I'm going for the vodka.

She wants to have vodka.

She really wants vodka.

I don't think vodka is that nice on it.

No, it's not.

But

that's such a 13-year-old thing to think, I think.

I know.

When I was younger than that, actually, I had to write a story at school about hunting for treasure and um I was maybe I know about this six or seven

and I uh

I wrote a whole story where I was digging for treasure and I kept finding what I thought was a treasure but it was empty gin bottles and empty vodka bottles and I handed it in and I told my mum about it she was like they're gonna think I'm an alcoholic

They just think you're finding all these empty spirit bottles in the house every day.

Mom, I've got another one.

Yeah.

Do you know what sparks the interest in the vodka?

No, not really.

I think that's high percentage proof as far as I can tell.

She's a scientist.

What can I say?

She's already following your footsteps.

Maybe she heard our Dan Atroid episode and really wants the crystal skull.

Maybe.

Crystal Head.

Yeah, I'll get that right, James.

You said it enough.

Holy shit.

Can't believe I got it wrong.

Crystal head vodka.

Yeah.

It's delicious on its own, by the way.

Yeah, it is, actually.

No additives.

Yeah.

Is that what we've got here?

Yeah, that's what you've got.

That's what you've got there, Glass, before you make your daughter jealous.

Give you a tumbler full of crystal crystal head vodka.

Leave her to her dairy.

dairy.

You should just sit vodka in front of her and go, Look what I can have.

Yeah, only when you're 18,

unless you rebel against me and do it tomorrow.

Don't do that.

You want to have special burps in the dream?

They taste like vodka.

Yeah, vodka.

Well, actually, anything.

I do like Amaretto.

Yeah.

Because that's quite sweet.

I think.

And Cointro, again, quite sweet.

Yeah.

The boozy burps.

Boozy burps.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Obviously, in Charlie in the Chocolate Factory, they do burps that give them weightlessness, essentially, like zero gravity burps.

Yes, yes, now that would be fun.

Yeah, because I if I if I drink enough, I could reach for the stars, yeah, you could end up in that.

So, as a woman of science, how long do you think it would take you to burp yourself into outer space as a woman of science?

Yes, well, as a woman of science, I've given this lots of thoughts.

The thing is, um, if I want to count myself as an astronaut, I need to go 100 kilometers above sea level.

there's a sort of an imaginary sort of a sphere around the earth and that is then then you're an astronaut yeah and so i'd have to do that so it has to be at least that and but that would be fun so so a hundred kilometers up and let's say goodness me how much am i going to move with each burp 10 centimeters well it depends on the strength of the burp so

it's about 10 centimeters a burp i think yeah yeah so yeah oh you want me to do the calculation yeah yeah yeah how long would it take you to burp yourself to the point where you're officially an astronaut

and how much would you fizzy pop would you have to drink to get up there?

And also, when I got up there, I'd you'd want to wear a spacesuit because otherwise you can't breathe.

Yeah, then you can't breathe.

Yeah, so that's you won't want to.

But then you wonder how the burps are helping because they're trapped inside a spacesuit.

Yeah, because if you do that.

Oh, yeah.

That's it.

And then if you're, but can you breathe off burps?

It's getting very complicated here.

Yeah, but yeah.

But these are things we should consider.

Do you just want still water?

No, you've said that.

Yeah, stick with the still.

That's fair enough if you just want still.

You look disappointed.

Well, well i wanted you to have the uh the the the one that burps yourself into space

fulfilling my dream yeah i mean if they said to you dr maggie we can send you to this other galaxy but you have to burp yourself there and that's the only way we can do it yeah would you do it and it will take 20 years but literally 20 not blink of an eye 20 years okay yeah but you don't you're like it'll be 20 years of burping yourself in over to the other planet

that sounds horrible yeah but this is you get there eventually though you'll be the the first one to meet aliens.

Well, you can burp yourself back as well.

That is helpful.

Yeah, it's not just your own fly-by, it's what you can come back.

Would you do it?

No.

You would say no.

So your dream's not worth that.

See, I'm trying to work out if it would be better if I was farting.

But just because you see, you can't.

Well, here's your burp.

Okay, here's your option.

You can burp and it'll take 20 years.

Or you can fart and it will take 10 years, but it'll stink.

Well, you know, in the vacuum of space, who's gonna oh unless no one knows

can you smell farts in space well so as a woman of science as a woman of science can you smell farts in space

so if a

so if

just won't work

so space is vacuum yeah so if you fart um the gas would be there and if someone passed through it and could sniff without sort of you know freezing and sort of you know

suffocating yes you could so you could smell it yes but your senses sensors in your nose might sort of freeze.

Right.

But it'd be just easier to fart in your spacesuit.

So you would smell it.

You fought in your spacesuit.

I'd seen it up.

You would smell it in your suit.

Oh, yes, yes.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, you smell it in the suit.

Yes.

It's good to know.

Blackly considering these, these often not pondered things.

Yeah, well, get ready for more of that because I've got loads of questions.

Still of sparkling water, Judy.

Oh, sparkling.

Yeah.

I am a sparkling girl.

I don't even know.

It doesn't sound right.

Sparkling?

Yeah.

Sparkling.

Well, how do you think it should be?

Sparkling.

What are your options here?

Can you say it doesn't sound right?

Sparkle.

Sparkling.

Oh, are you saying sparkling or sparkling?

Is that what you're talking about?

I'm trying to figure out what it is.

Sparkling, sparkle, sparkle.

I think I just say sparkling.

Let Judy cook.

For some reason, when I said it, just said it didn't.

Sparkling water.

Yeah.

Sparkling?

No.

Wait, hold on.

Why all of a sudden does the sun win?

Sparkling?

Yeah.

Sparkle?

Yeah.

Help me out here, brother.

Sparkling.

Sparkling.

Is it sparkling?

Which one are you saying?

Sparkling water?

Yeah, sparkling water.

Now back yourself, bitch.

What do you mean?

Stop.

What's wrong with you?

Underestimate yourself.

It's sparkling water, man.

Chuck.

Sparkling.

Yeah, let's go with that.

You said sparkling.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think either one's fine.

Which one?

I thought you were saying two different.

I think I was.

It just sounded weird when I first said it.

And now I'm going to spit to sparkling water.

Sparkling water.

How would you say it?

Sparkling.

Is that not what I said?

I think I'll go sparkling and you're going sparkling.

Oh, sparkling.

I'm sorry, sparkling water.

Sparkling.

It sounds like a sci-fi movie for some reason.

Sparkling.

Sparkling.

Sparkling.

Yeah.

It's like a character in Star Trek.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Sparkling.

Where is the destination?

Where was the destination?

The most Star Trek thing you could think of.

Yeah, because they're always flying somewhere.

That's true.

Do you know what I mean?

They're always looking through that big glass that we're all trying to put in our back doors in our gardens now, aren't we?

Do you know what I mean?

They're always trying to fly somewhere.

so sparkling where are we heading to i don't know captain see it works yeah that's good yeah that's good yeah well they rarely say i don't know to be fair

where are we heading to they usually have they don't go i don't i don't

shall we move on to the water course now yes certainly what we have in james well last time ed and i had for our water course uh i i had causten press uh which is a rhubarb soft drink and ed had a pint of guinness yeah so going by that precedent we don't have to choose water for this yeah we just choose whatever is our current water.

Back then, Courst and Press was my water.

That was your agua.

Yeah.

And nowadays, it's a lime and sea salt kombucha made by a company called you and I.

And I drink it all the time.

I absolutely love it.

I'm obsessed with it.

And that's my current water.

So that's what I want in the jug.

If there was woke in a podcast,

we're there.

This is Rylan's face when you said kombucha was an absolute.

Do you know, I didn't know what kombucha was until about two months ago

when someone went, oh, yeah, I'm going to have a kombucha.

And the first thing that came to my head was bukkaki.

And I don't know why, because it just sounds similar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm like, well, you do, you, darling.

Have a lovely night, you know?

She's like, yeah, I'm going to have a kombucha.

I was like, great, I'll get involved.

And then I realised it was like some alive drink.

Yes.

So how would you describe a kombucha?

Which I guess is kind of what a bukkaki is.

Yeah, it's just true.

Yes, that's very true, actually yeah it really is love the fact your mum's here yeah my mum my mum's literally listening in the next room don't google that who's bukkaki yeah don't look into that

um so i i think i know what kombucha is now but for those that don't know what it is could you please describe it in the most simplest way tea

mushroom mushroom tea

it's a lie but it doesn't taste of mushroom is it mushroom doesn't taste of mushrooms

oh don't tell me that doesn't taste of it i don't eat mushrooms and i did drink that it doesn't taste of mushrooms no of course it fucking did

it's mushrooms like fermented mushroom tea oh oh

my willie's just got in

i don't trust them you know i don't trust mushrooms

yeah you got it why would you have it why would you have it i got you had it you go under your feet

you love it i didn't like it no no you didn't like it well you feel it swimming about

no you couldn't oh i couldn't you couldn't feel it swimming about i felt it's not it's not like it's not like drinking sea monkeys they're not swimming around that's what i'd have for my pair of teeth i think sea monkeys

But with the mermaid dome cove.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the best one.

Yeah, of course.

You're never able to afford that.

That was over a ten of you splashing out.

So kombucha, this lime and salt.

Lime and sea salt kombucha.

It's

I've been drinking kombuchas for a while now, and I've got gradually less and less sweet.

When I start drinking kombuchas, I like the really, really sweet ones.

And now I'm just getting less and less.

And now I like the one that's got sea salt in it and the lime.

And there's only one shop I can get it in.

And i'm the only one who buys it i i go in i'll get loads of them and just buy them out of it how much are they probably about four quid a bottle these ones i mean i'm i'm like right they'd rub your eyes if you yeah yeah yeah

i'm aware i'm getting fleeced but i should say two of the episodes we're doing all right now yeah

so i can afford the podcast yeah yeah so uh and that that's my current you know causten press i haven't got a song about the lime and sea salt kombucha which i used to

uh yeah so the company's called you and i So you'll never pay for them again, so well done.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you and I, kombucha.

Uh, you and I, when I die, bury me with kombucha.

But that happens in the Courston Press song as well, is being buried with it, right?

Yeah, yeah, I don't, I think that's copyright.

Oh, but I wrote both of them, yeah, but you can't release the same song twice.

Rednecks did, remember them?

The Cotton I Joe and then Pop and I know that's the same song twice, and they did pretty well.

I'd rather some new lyrics, if possible.

Otherwise, I'm not going to get you a kombucha.

Okay.

Yeah.

Claudia didn't withhold things based on things he had to do.

Yeah.

This is what this is.

I'm not going to be audio energy.

Ooh, that'll suture.

Yeah.

It's not Bukhaki.

My name's James A.

Khaki.

Yes, that's the song I was after.

See, you push them, you get the results.

Absolutely.

Whoa, that was some sparkling conversation, Buckets Raffle.

Next, let's hear some food tips and tricks that you yourselves can try at home.

Who's going to be taking us through these, James?

Oh, some wonderful recipes from Yotam Atolengi, Nick Frost, and Kathy Burke.

Have you always had a good instinct for what

because I always think I might have some sauces or some things left over from other dishes I've had.

And then I get a real bright idea that I'm going to put it with the thing I've just made.

And because I don't have very good instincts there's pretty much always a bad combination and I have a good instinct tell us about a few of them yeah I'm gonna need I'm gonna need an example of this well I just so what's a good example of stuff a lot of the time it's um if I get a takeaway

and I might like serve myself up whatever from the from the pot and I'll leave a lot of the sauce in there maybe from the if I got all the chunks of chicken and some sauce there but then I've left behind the curry sauce and then the next day I'm like oh I've got this, you know, this other thing I'm making.

I'm going to chuck that curry sauce in the bolognese.

Let's see what that's like.

Real bad.

Yeah, I think enough sin, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I think what I don't think that's in the book, I'm fairly sure, having had a very quick look, very excited to cook from it, but it's not, you're not cooking a curry and then going, strain the sauce out and pour it all over your pudding or whatever.

It's not.

Which is maybe

actually, that's very important.

I was immediately drawn to the blooming leeks.

The blooming leeks, yeah.

I love blooming onion.

Every time I go to the States, I'll have a blooming onion.

But blooming onion.

And the blooming onion just technically, Nor was working on it for a while and it just didn't work.

And then I said to her, well, why don't you do the leeks?

They ended up looking like octopus, you know, like they're spread out like that.

And then with a batter, you fry them and they taste absolutely delicious.

No, I mean, so I guess the sauces or the takeouts are some things that, so we kind of spent quite a lot of time thinking what goes with what.

So we go like, there's this, I'm actually looking through the book, so there's these sections at the beginning, like with eggs, you've got French chili sauce, hot sauce,

cortado, and

you know, colby butter, ducca, and all those things.

So there's a whole list of condiments that you can put on your egg.

So essentially, once you've cooked the dish and you've got that, that little jar on the side, you can.

go to those opening pages and decide what you want to use it for.

It's such a clever concept that I've not seen before.

I I think it's like, and it's rare to find a cookbook that's like a new, an actual new concept.

I think we didn't really have a concept in a sense that we were looking for a long time to tell the story of the Ottolengi Test Kitchen, which we love being, spending time in, and all the dynamics of what's going on and the skills that we're developing.

And then the pandemic hit and we realized, actually,

that's the solution because all of a sudden it was about, you know, the first test kitchen book was called Shelf Love and it was about using up ingredients that you happen to have in your cupboards, you know, barley and chickpeas and polenta and all that stuff that just sits there and you never touch it till you go and buy yourself a fillet of cod or something.

And

this book is all about the condiments, how do you can create huge flavors for cooking that, as I said, save you from cooking from scratch every single day, which is kind of a nightmare, isn't it?

Yeah.

Three times a day.

But that with that ingredient thing as well, like it's whenever I'll be like, I'm going to cook something and then it might be polenta in the dish or a spice that I don't have, and be like, Right, I'm gonna go and do a big shop and buy all of these things.

And now I just know, I'm just like, Right, I'm gonna use that, I'm gonna put that up there, never using that again, yeah, yeah.

So,

bye-bye, forever.

See you in the back of a car, move house, yeah, and then weirdly, I'm gonna make the decision to take you with me again,

even though it's expired already, like three months ago.

I mean, like, it's there's no reason to.

I need a recipe that involves a lot of uh soy sauce, yeah, uh, because like every time I get get a takeaway sushi, which I do quite a bit actually, there's not a box you can tick on delivery room that says, please don't send it to me.

Please don't say

another pot of sushi.

First of all, I think you should bring it up with delivery room because I do agree there's too much soy sauce sometimes with all this.

Like every sushi delivery gets like, and you do get stuck with quite a lot.

Well, also, but I worry.

that that's because I order so much sushi.

They assume there's maybe 10 to 12 people there and you're having like a sushi party.

Because they also send like eight pairs of chopsticks.

And you're like, no, that was for me, unfortunately.

The shoe med runs a sushi restaurant

i run a i run a sushi restaurant that makes terror no profit whatsoever because i just order it from another sushi restaurant so i think there's actually a solution to your all your little sushis all your little soy sauce bottles and that is that you can almost throw it into almost anything that needs long any stew or any even if you make like a pasta sauce a meaty pasta sauce like a ragu style you put some soy sauce in that you get all that umami and you go you didn't throw it away and i think it's really it's a really kind kind of it's so basic you know like people use sometimes they use stock cubes right to get all this kind of msg flavor umami soy does the same yeah then you just throw it in there and you'll you'll get the flavor great oh amazing well that's what i'll do there you go i'll do that for myself yeah yeah this is great i've got much good studio

before we move on i think because it's your own recipe The listeners would love to hear your cheese leek gratin just step by step.

Oh, okay.

So

like depending on how many people nice see i used to do like ring like slices of leek but i didn't like the way it looked so what i've done is i've turned them and i'm cutting them on the slant so you're getting big kind of you know fillets of leek yeah so you know let's say four big leeks loads of butter fried down not for long i mean they're still bright green salt and pepper leave it to one side then in a little saucepan flour uh butter milk so we're making a roux a bechamel bechamel, salt and pepper, and then just tons of great cheese.

Yeah.

I've done like two or three different cheeses, but I kind of just like really strong, some kind of cave-aged cheddar with those little crispy,

little crunchy crystals in.

And then just pop it on top.

I've got like a really nice terracotta clay Spanish dish that I always use, and it's starting to age really nicely.

That goes on top, and then parmesan on top of that.

And then usually it's about 45 minutes in a hot oven so and it finished i kind of always because my ovens i bought a oven i had a oven that was in the house when i bought it and it broke down so then i just i didn't i just bought a quick oven and i'm getting to grips with it but it's not great at all you know i kind of i follow a company i don't I think they're American, but they're called Heston and they do ovens.

It's just like, wow, this is amazing.

You know, you just look at pictures of the ovens.

yeah the ovens are just so powerful they're amazing but there's i had a kitchen built in a house that i bought and then it costs so much money and they like it's a company that make kitchens in restaurants came and built a restaurant kitchen in my house my dream i had an extractor fan which you could like release a piece of a4 paper like a meter from it it would just drift up into the fan wow it was amazing and i've always yearned for that again i had to sell the house like literally three weeks after I'd finished it

And I couldn't move the kitchen out so it just had to stay there Annoyingly and I see the guy sometimes who bought the house.

He's like the kitchen's still in the good

I will have

Very simple pan-fried sea bass.

I pan-fry it skinned down in a little bit of chili oil.

Oh, nice.

So you that's when you like that crispy skin.

It's a little bit chili-fried.

And I have that with Calf's Calf's Continental Potatoes.

And what they are is one day I had a couple of Charlotte potatoes left in the fridge, a red onion and a couple of tomatoes.

And I thought, what am I going to do with this?

So I topped them all up, deseeded the tomatoes, mixed them up in some lovely garlic oil, put them in the oven.

Amazing.

Amazing.

So that's now a regular at mine, Calf's Continental Potatoes, which is just basically spud, onion, tomato.

I like that you're not committing to a particular country of where it's from.

It's just continental.

I mean, I called them continental.

I really don't know why.

I think just to make them sound a bit special, they're just potato, onion and toms.

What's the ratios?

What do you mean?

Between the potatoes, the onions and the toms.

Are you just like a third each or is they're mainly potatoes?

Mainly potatoes.

And the Charlotte ones ones are the best.

And you cut them in nice slices.

You get them going first.

And then you slice up your tomatoes and your onions.

And after the potatoes have had a nice 20 minutes, first little twisty spinny,

then bung in the tomatoes and onions.

It's great.

And you could just forget about them for about another half hour.

And it's lovely.

So I have those.

with some pan-fried sea bass but they're not my side no no

no they go with the sea bass, yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

But your garlic oil there in with the continental potato, yeah,

and are you putting salt pepper in there?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

And if I haven't got any garlic oil, I'll put in a couple of cloves of garlic, that makes it continental.

Yeah, even more continental, yeah, and like I love like you know, chunks of like roasted garlic, yeah,

yeah, that that's great.

Oh, what a treat that is!

Yeah, or when you roast a whole garlic and then you squeeze those little juicy butts out

that's lovely really nice and a slice of cranks homemill bread well we could even if you've got some garlic in there we you could save some bread from the bread course and then mop and start and start mopping and spreading and doing all that amazing yeah how long have you been doing cash continental potatoes for

I think probably it's probably about 10 years.

That's good.

Yeah, because I think it was 10 years ago that it was what do I do with my leftovers?

And then it was like, oh my God, I've just come up with this amazing dish.

You know, people are going to be making this now.

Yeah.

You need to get a lot of...

Are you on social media?

Of course.

Well, you'll be getting some photos.

Well, that's all right.

It's better than when I first joined social media and I was getting photos of people's shit.

You need to join my neighbour's WhatsApp group.

Why were people sending you pictures of shit?

You know, just dirty,

troubled people.

I don't know.

It was a real shock.

Yeah, when I first joined Twitter,

hold on, there wasn't anything that you were doing.

Yeah, I thought there was some

internet trend or something, but it was just troubled people.

It's Jenny and Keith Show or something.

You've not done any of that.

No, I just joined and yeah, just, I don't know.

So I learned how to use the block button quite quick.

Yeah, if only they'd learned how to use the block button.

If only.

Sorry.

How many people were doing this?

Was it one person?

No, I think I got about three.

It's extraordinary, innit?

Yeah.

People's lives, man.

Well,

now you're going to get Cath's Continental Potatoes.

Well, Mumma, I'm going to cook up all those things, James, especially Cath's Continental Potatoes, which people absolutely lost their minds for when this episode came.

I hope that people at home have been cooking them as well.

Send them to Benito all forms of social media.

He loves it.

I wonder though if any of our listeners have been cooking up these particular food inventions because they're a little bit less accessible I would say.

Let's hear from Angela Barnes and the absolute disgusting pig Nick Mohamed.

I'm not a cook.

I love food, but I hate cooking.

I hate it to my bones.

Luckily, I live with a man who loves cooking.

But I hate it.

So left to my own devices, my husband goes away.

I'm eating salad cream sandwiches for a week.

That's what I'm doing.

It's just, we'll eat bread because it takes no time and I don't have to think about it.

Salad cream sandwiches, Angela.

I can't, I can't get it.

That's pretty bad.

I was a little bit puke over.

I love salad cream.

Do you know what one of my favourite?

It almost made it into my list, but I didn't in the end because I couldn't work it to go with everything else.

One of my favourite comfort foods is a bowl of bird's eye peas mixed with salad cream.

Holy

crap.

I would not cast that as a comfort food because that would not comfort me at all.

No.

Have you tried that?

Nightmares.

No, but I know all of those ingredients and I can, I know, well, all of those ingredients.

I know peas and I know salad cream and I've eaten from a bowl before.

But I don't think I would enjoy that, though.

That's because you're posh.

See, if you.

Don't you bring class into this.

James, what do you think it sounds like?

I think it sounds revolting.

Yes.

Are you not a salad cream fan?

No.

Well, I quite like.

Can you accuse James of being posh?

Absolutely.

But he is posher than me.

I mean, in the

there's a gradient here and I'm at the bottom.

So this salad cream sandwich you're having when your husband goes away.

Yeah.

Are you literally just talking about...

When I was a student, right, I did not eat well as a student because I just, I never, I wasn't one of these people who go, oh yeah, these are the recipes my mum taught me.

My mum worked full-time when I was growing up.

We had Finnis Krispie pancakes or chicken nuggets.

There was no standing at her knee in the kitchen watching her cook.

It just didn't happen.

So I went to university with no cooking skills at all.

And, you know, you just we just had like a little one of those um baby belling cookers with two rings on and that was it you know so i just had a loaf of bread and some salad cream in the fridge and some butter and i would just add white bread like yeah you know obviously the cheapest tesco value white bread yeah and i'd go oh i better eat something if i'm going out drinking and i'd have a couple of slices of that and i wouldn't even i'd just put the butter on squeeze the salad cream on and then just fold it and eat it that would be oh so not even not two slices not even two slices and slice slice it nicely.

No, would you spread the salad cream or just squeeze it on?

No, I just squeeze it on and sort of rub it around a bit.

Yeah, that does the spreading for you, doesn't it?

Otherwise, you've got washing up.

Yeah, you're using it up.

I don't believe in washing up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a good point.

Now, as a student, I completely understand that.

Yeah.

You're saying you still eat those.

Yes, I'm 46.

I still.

It always has to be sad.

And my husband's really good.

If he notices the salad cream's getting low, he will go, oh, but you want salad cream.

It's getting low.

Has to be salad cream in the fridge.

And salad cream's kept in the fridge.

Ketchup, no.

Salad cream, yes.

okay you're right because it's just nice or cold yeah yeah and uh yeah i will often just sometimes i'm so lazy i just can't like putting butter on the bread feels like cooking so i just get the bread and squeeze the sad cream well to be honest actually the butter in there threw me a little bit because i was like i would just think it would be salad cream and bread and actually i think i'd rather have if i had to eat one of them I'd go for the just salad cream and bread.

I don't think I'd have the butter.

I'd have the butter for sure.

It's nicer with the butter.

Well, I'll believe the experts.

More sort of luxurious and rich.

I love salad cream.

Right.

But just salad cream in a sandwich, you're not attempting to put a bit of cheese in.

You can buy pre-sliced cheese if that's what you're worried about.

No, just it just takes away from the salad cream.

I love the maybe it's that same thing as fizzy water.

It gives you that little hit.

I can't hear salad cream.

I feel like I know what it sounds like.

Yeah.

So what do the peas do with the salad cream?

How's that work?

I love peas.

Peas are the best vegetable in the world.

No preparation.

They're just in the freezer.

And they're the only thing, they're the only frozen vegetable that doesn't make them horrible.

Do you know what I mean?

It doesn't, I don't.

I've had fresh peas, and I don't think they're better than frozen peas.

Oh, really?

Whereas most vegetables, the frozen version is obviously horrible compared to the fresh version.

But peas, I don't think.

It's really easy.

Just hot water.

Okay, so you are heating them up.

I am heating them up.

For a second there, because you were like straight out of the freezer.

Here we go.

Straight into the salad cream.

That's why, I mean, I need a bit more time if I'm going to have peas and salad cream.

Yeah, of course.

Bread and salad cream when I'm in a rush, but I've got stuff to do.

And then peas and salad cream if I'm feeling like I've got a bit of time.

I can.

So the problem is, as well, I think about food a lot, but I don't think about, because I hate cooking.

I don't think about preparing food myself until I'm already hungry.

Yeah.

Or until it's time to eat.

And so it's all about speed, which is why I eat out too much or I get takeaways too much because I'm not good at, you know, I'm definitely not someone who goes, right, on a Sunday, I'm going to sit down and plan my meals for the week.

It just doesn't happen.

Sure.

Yeah, that's tricky.

Well, and if you did do that, you'd just write peas and peas and salad cream.

Yeah, yeah, it would all be salad cream.

My Hello Fresh delivery is just a box of bread.

You'll be like in the shining when they find out what he's been writing.

The same thing over and over again.

Before we move on, I would like to know what your ratios are of concentrate to water when you make yourself a squash because you're such a connoisseur.

Oh, I like it weak.

Like, I do like it weak.

I'm not a monster.

I kind of feel, because I feel like you can, I mean, if it's too strong, because I'll often have like do a pint of it.

And now we've got the ice thing.

I mean, I will, you know, be generous on the ice.

Yeah.

I guess what?

If it's a pint glass, like possibly maximum two centimeters of squash.

And then the rest will feel like a lot.

No, I think it.

That doesn't feel weak to me.

That feels like a...

No, well, for a pint.

It's a money centimeter.

Is it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It does.

And it just depends also what frame of mind.

Like, if I, if I feel like, oh, I do, I do, I should be drinking water, I will make it really weak because I sort of feel, oh, I should, I should gain more water than the actual squash.

But if you're celebrating yeah if I'm celebrating I'll sometimes pop it in lemonade

and my friend Lee used to call that summer cocktail

He did when we were growing up I used to put grapes in it as well like

in the summer cocktail pop a grape in a summer well if you pop a grape in in in any any fizzy drink but it will float up and then float down float do you know this goes up and down so it'll sink to the bottom then all the

you know the bubbles will cling onto it and then it comes to the top the bubbles pop and it goes back to the bottom do you know so you never know if the grapes are which exactly exactly should have yeah they should have gotten onto that yeah yeah so you can do that and that is that's that's an official summer cocktail lemonade uh orange squash grape one grape one grape don't slice it and i once had it in a lemonade and like friends of my mum and dad around and they thought it was like a martini with an olive in it but i was only about 12.

in a dressing gown

do you want dips of these poppadoms yeah i'll have dips i'll have all of them.

You eat so many poppadoms, we should call you Mr.

Poppy.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Mr.

Poppy Dom.

Becca claimed that one of friends of hers came up with phrase, just poppadum down there.

And I was like, no, I mean, I think it was Ron Adams.

I think it was Rowan Atkinson.

If not, maybe somebody else.

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, Jason.

All right, yeah.

Come on.

I don't even know who the fuck Becca is.

I'm guessing it's your wife.

It's my wife, and she's absolutely brilliant.

She is just phenomenal.

Anyway, what are we saying?

Poppadom's dips.

I would have the Raita.

I'd have the...

I quite like all the onion-y stuff.

If you get a takeaway, I love opening like the cellophane bags, the salad.

I love all of that.

It's sort of the only time I would probably have salad is with a curry.

Yeah.

And that's mainly onion, really, isn't it?

It's all, it's 100%.

I feel like calling it salad is a stress.

It's onion.

There's usually a bit of lettuce in there and I won't really have that.

And there's like half a tomato, usually, if you're lucky.

Wouldn't ever put put some salad in a summer cocktail which would float up and down?

No, no, not a summer cocktail.

No, it's very much a sweet thing.

I wasn't going to say everything.

A summer cocktail.

I do love them.

You can't just do it.

Just try it.

It'll be delicious.

Yeah.

It's just sort of nicer than Fanta.

I mean, that, yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's a big claim.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you can obviously, and but the thing is, literally, the world's your oyster because it can be any, choose any of those Robinson's flavours.

It's a different summer cocktail.

I mean, you say the world's your oyster.

You are limited to the Robinson.

you're limited to the range yeah and i guess two types of grape yeah two types of lemonade um yeah

people are going the clear one and the cloudy no never cloudy always clear ones you won't see you grape

and the fun's ruined and then the fun's ruined because you don't know if it's gone up or down i think that's more exciting

you just look at the surface you're just yeah timing it and what's nice at the very end you finish your summer cocktail usually there's a little bit of ice left and the grape at the bottom so you wait for the ice to dissolve and then you have the grape at the very end like you would I guess a martini is that right you'd have the olive at the end of the martini

at the start well

if there's like three how long you're making it last I'd have a sip I'd have an olive yeah maybe have a couple more sips then another olive and I'd have one olive at the end oh okay because you want the salt but the fun thing that you can do with the grape at the end is that or you can convince yourself that it has absorbed some of the lemonade so you can convince yourself that the the grape is fizzy but you know that's not true but you know it's not true it's just psychosomatic yeah yeah yeah, yeah.

Because it's all fizzy, fizzy, fizzy.

So then when you eat it,

do you genuinely genuinely check your brain?

You need to kind of burn.

It's kind of like, oh, I've had a really sort of a big grape, like a grape that's full of gas.

Big fizzy grape, yeah.

Well, there we go.

Thanks, Nick.

That was horrid.

That was horrid.

You know what else is horrid?

Whenever people rub my bake-off appearance in my face on my own podcast.

It is the shame that will never die, James.

Let's hear from from carol vorderman

i really hate cooking i had to do it from the age of 10 i had to do tea as we call it every night you know my dad would come in at quarter to six and the tea had to be on the table in the days when we all had sliced bread and butter you know

chopped up and if it was past you do it like a triangle rather you know and but you had to slice it i was so good at cutting bread and butter and um like laced doilies you know you could hold it up so i cooked all those years and then i when the kids were older i just thought i bloody hate cooking yeah i really don't like it i did win star baker apron though did you finally yeah i can cook can cook don't want to cook that's me you bring up bad memories for james you had oh wow wow the worst celebrity bake-off appearance of all time did you did you come last well they don't make that official but it was

yeah it was implied well you could tell no it was really bad what's a showstopper wow i made books you'd park out of my ranges yeah i mean they were all showstoppers in a way, as in they should have stopped the show.

Was it that bad, James?

It was pretty bad.

Was it?

Mine was wonderful.

And mine was fine.

So

we've got the full gamut here.

I should have worn it, shouldn't I?

I should have worn my star back.

Yeah, that would have been amazing.

Could I tell you about my showstopper?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go on, go on.

Let me hear about it.

Mine was wonderful.

My showstopper, it was all about your favourite bit of leisure time,

relaxing time.

So, of course, everyone goes, oh, bath, you know, know have a glass of champagne in the bath i thought that is what i would do but i wanted to think of something different about proper leisure time so i made a cake like the size of a bath not big bath but so that was the cake rather than the little one and then i put fondant icing all the way through like a roll top bath

and all of that and then the champagne everyone else is boring goes oh well i bought this like you know icing that's done in a champagne oh no so i got got Rob Rinder to strip a Ken and a Barbie.

I put Ken and Barbie in the bath and then you had to pour a bottle of champagne into the bath and drink it out of straws before you're allowed to eat the cake.

That's good.

See?

Was Rob Rinder on the show with the other?

I should have asked her.

It sounded like I didn't just

have him.

Well, we needed to get Rob Rinder to strip a Ken and Barbie because he's the guy who does that for me.

He's the guy who'll strip a Ken and a Barbie.

And to be fair,

that would make sense.

sense i've met rock rind i'm sure he would happily strip a kenneda barbecue

before me and then and then what you had to do and then you had to drink the champagne because it's like a party go yeah drink the champagne and everyone's involved out your straws and then you chop the cake and by that time the champagne has kind of gone through the fondant icing taken like a lot of the sugar through and it's not a dry cake it's quite moist wow did you come up with that yourself yeah that's pretty i mean that deserves star baking that does.

I mean

I was nowhere near any of that if I'm honest.

I'll be completely honest.

That's made me so angry.

I want to beat somebody up.

And you know who deserves it more than anyone else?

Oh, no.

Stephen Graham, baby.

Yeah, but that's the one person that you can't beat up.

Let's hear from Azuka Hoyle.

How many takes do you do of it?

Of the film,

we did

four.

We did two on the first day, two on the second day, and the film that you're watching is the first of the second day.

Take three.

Wow.

Did anyone mess up at any point and then it had start again?

No.

Wow.

And a lot of our dialogue is improvised by the actors.

So we were just in the zone, bro.

I would be so in my own head.

Would you?

Oh, if it came to me, it's like, right, you've got to go now.

And like, every time it comes to you,

are you not thinking, oh, here we go.

I got it.

I've got to get this.

If I fucking say this for him,

the thing is, is that because you've got the leeway of improvisation, you don't, there's nothing to get right.

There's beats you have to hit, right?

So there's certain, you need to, you've got a certain amount of time to hit certain stuff and then make sure that if you're in charge of motivating the camera to move to the next bit, then you've done that.

But in terms of the exchange that happens with the other character, I was having a whale of a time.

When the camera would come over, I was like, here we fucking go.

I'll tell you what, I'd get in my head.

I'd suddenly be like, and I wouldn't want to do this, but in my head, I'd be going, oh, God, I'm going to try and introduce a new story element here.

And then the camera pan around and go, I saw a ghost the other day.

So you saw a ghost in the kitchen.

I saw a ghost.

I saw a ghost in the kitchen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's really good.

See what anyone else had to do.

We've rehearsed, we've practiced, we've got some kind of thing.

And then you just take us completely off fucking course and go, saw a ghost

in the pantry.

I need you to know if someone can help.

Yeah.

And see what they do.

Meanwhile, stephen graham's just stood looking at you like he's gonna rip your head off yeah yeah yeah well that's that's his resting face right

oh he's a he he's like a giant puppy as well though yeah uh oh oh here we go go on

i actually said

sure he is like a little puppy dog so he shouldn't run his mouth off on tv shows

Has he ever like made a statement

to counter your challenge?

No, because he's a busy man who doesn't need to be bothering himself with stupid little bits of

Jonathan Ross leaf he he fired shots at rummish that's that's all of us and i'm i'm i'm disappointing you ed for not not calling him out oh look i i'm not calling him out but i'm very happy for you to call him out because i want to see what happens you know what's going to happen yeah you're going to get your head you're going to get absolutely fucking pummeled

as if as if man

that would never happen

have you seen him recently

has he seen has he seen himself has he seen me has he seen himself how's that a comeback himself yeah he looked at himself and went yeah

even without him here you panic there has he said

has he seen himself has he seen himself has he seen himself because he made me think again

i don't want to see what would happen i tell you what we wouldn't even need uh one take man me beating him up and we do that in half a take yeah game over end of film is it a film that you're getting beaten up in now yeah yeah yeah i'm the hero It's a global all-you-can-eat.

It's a global all-you-can-eat buffet made by people from the country that you would like the cuisine.

All your mates mates are there.

It's just a stunning experience.

You can bring your dog if you want.

As the final point.

Yeah, it's really important that it's animal.

Case this doesn't swing it for you.

You can bring your dog.

You can bring your dog.

I actually got like emotional thinking about this in the car.

Here's the thing.

If it is end of the world, though, I would worry that the families who are cooking it are going to be affected by that.

What do you mean?

They know that they're all about to die.

It's the end of the world.

Okay, so maybe he's about to be snubbed out i don't know if i want someone making me food who has nothing matters in their head yes so what if it's almost like a vr experience in the sense that my current time this is happening their current time they're in my position do you know what i mean so it's not like the end of the world somebody is like giving you server because also i'd feel bad about going into people's homes to have food that they've cooked for me when really they should be spending their last moments on earth with their family exactly yeah so they're in a different time they're in a different time, but they're present.

But they're present.

Yeah.

You're in like Edward Norton's house in Glass Onion?

Yeah, kind of, but not as bougie.

Okay.

Do you know what I mean?

Let's just keep it a bit chill.

It's a massive conservatory.

Massive conservatory, but just not too bougie.

Move as a few.

So actually, I'm confused, actually.

So it's all glass, but you're going through the Hobbit doors, which are in the glass.

Yeah, they just kind of appear.

So you go through that, but then you're in like a non-glass.

It brings you into a totally different.

There's a magic

portal.

Yeah, there's magic involved in this i think that's really important to note yeah okay well that sounds great i'd be really worried during this meal would you yeah because there's a comic coming and i'm in a conservatory okay i think that's the last place i want to be you don't want to see it well no i don't want the glass to shatter and i don't i don't want to know i'm definitely going to die with loads of glass in my face how would you how would you want to spend your final moment realistically i guess just under the duvet Yeah, yeah.

With anyone?

With any, yeah, along with that.

No, no, no, no.

Can't have anyone see me like that.

Fucking out.

Under the Diva.

Well, that's realistic, though.

You know?

You won't be under the DFA having a panic attack.

Yes.

Okay.

But I certainly wouldn't want to be near glass.

Yeah, but I just feel like it would happen so fast, you wouldn't really feel the glass in you.

It would just, one minute you're alive, next minute you're alive.

All right, you've sold it to me then.

I wouldn't feel the glass in me.

How would you want to spend it?

Beating up Stephen Graham.

I'll probably hold Stephen Graham over my head, aim him at the comet, and go,

age before beauty Graham

and then let him get hit by the comet first or throw him into the comet.

Yeah, I throw him into the comet shatter the comet like Armageddon save the world

That's what that's what would happen

So I'll probably do that and then go through one of the hobbit doors and hide in case he survived it

She agreed I would win I don't think you'll remember.

You've not heard the episode back yet.

So,

you're going to be cleaning your house.

You're going to be scrubbing cat pea off your porch at the moment.

Yeah.

Four, four types of cat pea.

And you're going to be gutted because you're wrong.

No, well, James, listening in the future, skip that bit.

Maybe you should have a drink and try and calm down.

Because in 2023, we drank during records for the first time.

Did it go well?

I don't know.

Let's hear a bit of the Paul Feig episode and the Kyle Smith Bino episode.

I mean, we should mention

we are in the presence of the Martini equipment here as well.

You brought it with you.

So

I feel like we should.

Would you like me to make you our binary?

I feel like it would be.

It would be a shame not to.

I just hope.

Benito, this might be just a lot of noise.

This is great, though.

We can use it as like, get a wild track of that and use it as the stings in between the bits.

Exactly.

Now, normally I would not use my hands to put the ice in here, but they are clean.

So just know my friend Alessandro Palazzi, who's the head bartender at Duke's, when I would do my show on Instagram, he would send me texts and say, like, stop using your hands.

Use a spoon.

I completely trust you, Paul.

I'd say, in fact, and I mean this, you're our cleanest looking guest we've ever had.

Yeah,

by some distance.

Did I meet Stanley Toochie?

Oh, yeah.

Actually, the Tooch looked pretty good.

Yeah, the Tooch is a good friend of mine.

Yeah, the Tooch is a clean looking man.

Also smelled wonderful.

Sauce smelt good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've eaten it at his house many times, and the food is everything you think it would be.

I'm sure.

And 10 times more.

I'm sure.

Although

his wife, Felicity, makes the gnocchi, and it's unbelievable.

It's lighter than air.

I mean, like little pillows of

delicious.

What do we got to do to get an invite to the tutorial?

We've got to go back to that Atlanta hotel.

James bumped into him in a hotel in Atlanta.

Oh, really?

After we'd done the podcast.

He remembered me.

After being reminded.

So, you know.

So, we've got, is that the vermouth that's just gone in?

Yeah, it is the vermouth.

It's a dry vermouth.

I like Dolan personally.

I have no investment in it whatsoever.

But, but I basically, it's just a few drops.

So, you just want just enough.

You know how, like, when you have a single malt scotch and you put in like a drop of water just to open it up?

Yeah.

That's kind of what, that's how I look at the vermouth in a martini bean.

Because some people use a spray, right, as well.

Have you seen that before?

You just spray it over or just

rinse the glass with it as well?

That's what they do at Duke.

That's what I saw.

He puts it in that on a show.

Yeah, pours it in, spins it, and then throws it on the the carpet.

Yes.

So there you go.

I don't encourage that for anybody else.

Your wife immediately.

No!

And we just have our cream.

Yeah, I don't know.

Alessandro.

And now, just a ton of gin.

This is my own gin, too, that I make.

And what's the name of your gin?

My gin is called Artingstalls, Brilliant London Dry Gin.

Amazing.

And what a beautiful bottle.

Thank you.

What a lot of designing this.

Very nice.

I'm literally just selling stuff on your show for the last 10 minutes.

Listen, Dan Atcoy did that, and he's one of people's favorite.

So

I don't think Dan likes me very much.

Dan and I have a little history.

Well,

I love Dan.

He's one of my favorites, but he kind of turned on me after Ghostbusters.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, hey, we'll let him know.

We'll say, Joe, what?

You and Paul Piga have a lot in common.

Exactly.

You should pick up the phone, Dan.

But I will do a much longer interview than

I don't think you're.

I'm not sure arting stools will be in every course that you suggest.

Certainly not.

Certainly not.

A crystal skull after this.

So I'm just, I'm stirring endlessly because it needs to be very, very cold.

This is very exciting.

I'm so excited.

I saw someone once making,

you know,

as you say, when people are making the cocktails and they do the really high pour,

it can be quite theatrical and quite fun to watch, but not as fun as when I watched someone mess it up once.

It was just absolutely, they did the really high figure.

They just went all over the floor.

And I thought, oh, no.

His hand's completely wet because he's just got his entire hand that was holding the glass at the bottom.

Paul's wife pops up from behind the bar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You took great joy in that face.

I really loved it.

I was really laughing for the cost of it.

I'm going to cut my finger off while I do it, please.

That would be fun.

You are peeling a lemon.

Peeling a lemon.

There we go.

Normally I will do gigantic peels, but since I'm in the

service of time, I'm going to try to make these just normal.

There we go.

Four martinis, one for each of us, including Great Bonito.

The only thing wrong with this is I did not chill these glasses.

Normally you would have been ice cold.

There's a specific amount of martinis that I think is correct for an evening.

How many martinis would you have on an evening?

Well, here's the big question.

It depends what size they are.

There's a very evil thing going on in the world, especially in America.

And I think it's here.

I've had it here too, which is like a martini should be four ounces.

They've started doing like 10-ounce martinis.

Oh, my God.

Which is like more than a third of a bottle of gin.

So if you want to, though, and you know, you want it to be cold.

So, in order to keep it cold, you kind of have to slam it down pretty fast, and then you're whacked out.

I mean, you're gone.

So, if it's a 10-ounce martini, you know, don't even finish it.

But, normal, like a good four-ounce martini, which is kind of what I'm pouring here, that's just you know, friendly and uh gets your evening off to a good start.

And you can have wine and all that.

So, now I get it.

It's all about getting the lemon oil.

Sorry, people at home, I'm squeezing a lemon, a lemon twist over this and get the edges.

Oh, God.

I'll call my wife.

There we go.

And then you got to get it on there.

I like this.

Squeezing the lemon peel, rubbing it around the rim, dropping it into the cool pool.

There we go.

The cool pool.

The cool pool.

Don't normally have to negotiate a microphone while you're

cheers.

Yeah, that's right, really.

I blame the mic.

Thank you so much.

Cheers, you bet.

Thank you.

Cheers to you.

Cheers to you.

Cheers.

Thank you.

Cheers, Benito.

Cheers, Benito.

Cheers, exactly.

And thank you for letting me do this on your show and having me on because I'm a massive fan.

Oh, that is absolutely

phenomenal.

You like that?

Love it.

Excellent.

What a lovely gin.

Thank you.

Yeah, thank you.

What a lovely gin.

We've won a lot of awards and all, so I'm very, very proud of it.

Yeah,

fantastic.

Now

with a cool drink in front of us, exactly.

James is coming across the table at me.

Yeah, he made a big fight.

will we have enough to get a Shrek?

Oh, but we'll see.

We will see if Shrek comes out after he's had a martini.

Oh, donkey, I got a martini.

Here's my this is my Shrek challenge you, though.

Do it without saying our donkey for you.

I see that you know that's the war of them.

I know, exactly.

Either say, oh, donkey, or my name's Shrek.

This is Shrek.

Yeah.

Either one of them.

It's when you can tell that someone's a good impressionist when they say the name of the person person they're getting the impression of before they do

it

your drink course now we're here we've got some whiskies um four four whiskies around i went to a bar in wansted which is no longer it's it the builders are still there but it's a pizza place now and it was a bar and it was quite a nice new bar as onestead was becoming one of those places where people are like come to Wansted, it's nice here.

And I had a cherry vanilla old-fashioned.

You like sweet drinks?

I love sweet drinks.

Yeah, I drank Disarano.

I used to drink Disorano.

That was my go too.

And then I just discovered other things.

That's a good right as well, isn't it?

Disorano.

Amaretto, yeah.

Amaretto.

Yeah.

Amaretto.

You tell what?

It's a real shame that you

fucked it up.

You fucked it up so badly,

slammed him when you first met him.

Hopefully, hopefully.

You're negging people all the time.

That's how I get my jobs, man.

I really hope that somewhere we'll do them again because I've never seen cherry in it old-fashioned anywhere.

Is that something you would attempt to make at home, maybe?

Oh, man.

I get really annoyed when I have to, when I make something and it doesn't taste the way I want it to.

I don't have the patience for it.

Yeah.

I don't really like cooking for that reason.

Although, I do have an air fryer.

Now, I'm not going to talk too much about my air fryer because I could go on forever.

People who have air fries fucking love their air fryers.

I love them.

I love it.

I'm like, you know, like how Australians love Australia.

Yeah.

That.

I'm that, but air fryer, mate.

That'd be a good jackass video.

What?

Dick in an air fryer.

I like how you expected me to make the mental leap to it being a dick in the air fryer.

Well, that's all they do.

What if we say what?

What?

Dick in an air fryer.

I'm surprised I I ever done it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, don't you have to shut the air fryer for it to work then?

Completely close it.

Yeah.

So you'd have to jam the mechanism or shut your dick fully in the air fryer, at which point you may as well shut your dick in anything.

I've never seen an air fryer, so in my head, I was imagining

it's like a see-through shoebox with a hole in it.

Put your dick in from the side.

You know, they don't make things that have dick access.

In case Jackass wouldn't use it.

Yeah.

you see that tweet about the vacuums in the house that people are getting no it's like a waist height vacuum where you just throw your clothes and it goes into the it go you you make a laundry chute in your house oh right through vacuum i love that and then some surgeon or doctor replied to that tweet saying accident emergency cannot deal with a waist height vacuum

being installed into people's houses

the jackass boys absolutely over the moon when they saw that.

Pre-order.

In the group chat.

Is he having it on pre-order?

We gotta meet up, Johnny Knoxville.

We've gotta meet up.

My house now.

We all try and buy them now.

Yeah.

And then we'll hopefully we'll get enough.

Everyone try and buy them.

Look, the air fryer didn't work.

Wasn't that how we imagined it in our heads, that air fryer?

So it's going to be a clear shoebox with a hole in the side for our dick.

Hey, man, I just got this air fryer.

Where's the dick go?

their group chat is called Where Does the Dick Go?

So many customer services having to respond to it.

Subject headed, Where Does the Dick Go?

Dear Mr.

Knoxville, we're sorry that you weren't unsatisfied with our blender.

I watched the new jackass

on the plane when we were going on honeymoon.

Charlie was like, This is the worst way to start a honeymoon I've ever seen.

Like, and there were big screens on the plane as well.

Just close-up dicks.

Oh, like the hostess coming around, going, Would you like a drink?

I'm like, Yeah, pause the car.

So many dicks.

I can't remember what it was that I watched on the flight to Australia, but I realized that they'd edited it, edited out all the sex stuff.

And then I realized that, oh, well, then I was told that Emirates do that.

Emirates just get rid of all that stuff.

Did it make sense to you in the film?

I was like,

well,

tell me first.

Might be what I'm watching 50 Shades of Grey for.

Yeah.

Yeah, how short was that?

They set banana fry, then that's it.

Yeah.

Gold credits.

Unbox it.

Plug it in.

Glad to film.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

What a performance by Team California.

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Whoa, people should call him Kyle Smith Wino.

Oh, I love that.

Genuinely, that's really good stuff.

Yeah, it's good stuff.

Ha, Ed, you know what?

When I look at you every episode, you know what I see?

What?

A national treasure in the making.

Oh.

and we've had a few national treasures on this podcast or Benito's written we went digging from national treasures yeah well let's do it as Benito's he's the producer we went digging from national treasures is what he's written Dawn French Steve Coogan Russ Noble Carol Vordeman Dawn French again Steve Coogan again and Kathy Burke

We always start the dream menu with still sparkling water yeah I know exactly what I'm having there yeah can you guess

I think you would have still water I think sparkling I think you're right yes

sorry about that.

Sorry about that.

But I quite enjoy the gassiness and I quite enjoy the burping that follows.

You know, I quite enjoy that.

And it also feels posh, doesn't it?

Yeah.

I know it's a rip-off.

I know it's wrong.

I know it's expensive.

I know all of those things.

But if I'm going to deny myself foie gras for all the right moral reasons, I'm going to have the sparkling water.

Sorry.

Are you disappointed now?

No, no, he's annoyed that he guessed wrong is what's happening.

Ah, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ah, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I thought I was being really clever because of all the stuff you were saying earlier, difference between twats and arseholes and successful people.

I am a twat.

I'm saying I am a twat, so I'm allowed the sparkling water.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Because it is mainly twats that drink sparkling water, isn't it?

I guess is it mainly twats or is it asshole territory?

The successful territory?

No, I think it's twat territory.

It's just twats territory.

Yeah, twat.

Yeah, it's forgivable.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Would you like to jump into a puddle of it?

Oh, oh,

oh, Ed Gamble.

I apologise.

There's something

I've never considered.

But if you want to organise it, I'd be there.

It's your dream restaurant.

We've got a genie.

Could it be real water or real proper puddle, not silly studio puddle

where you nearly die?

Yeah, where you can do the drop.

No hippos, no scaffolding, just plain old fizzy water, just loads of it, gallons of it.

Gallons of it straight in.

Yeah.

Would you like as well?

Yeah.

Because I think this would be be good if Richard Curtis jumped into

a big load of sparks and water and had to do it as many times as you've had to do it over your life.

Richard Curtis was really so far behind the camera watching from a long distance.

Like the coward he is.

But he wrote it.

Come on.

With Paul Make You Arch.

It was their idea.

I'd love to take the credit, but I can't.

So they should be jumping into the.

They should, but not with me.

I want to do it on my own, thanks.

And there is a joy, you know, there is a joy with

little stunty moments like that.

And I think there's something in me that is sort of British and also trained by my brother that if you refuse a challenge, you will be forever labeled a girl.

So I'm not having that.

I'm not a girl.

Well, I am, but I'm not in his mind, a girl.

And I will do any challenge to beat my brother.

I cannot, I mean, you know, my brother's nearly 70 now.

I'm 66.

If I'm sitting next to my brother, we have to have a fight, physical fight.

It really does alarm his children, my children, everybody, because it's quite full-on and it is serious.

It starts with Chinese burns, you know, and it moves on from there.

Yeah.

It's about being in the back of the car together for years.

Yeah.

You still just slip into those rolls.

There's just a little dig and then another one.

And it should stay light-hearted, but it doesn't.

It gets quite violent.

It gets out of control.

And I'm prepared to bite.

So just saying that to you.

He's going for the knees every time.

Yeah.

Well, I hope you win the next one.

Yeah, thank you.

I will.

I've got plans.

I would quite like a pea soup, but not peace soup.

I don't like soups that are made when people blitz everything in a blender.

So it's all just one consistency.

I like lumps of stuff.

Yes.

You know what I mean?

And I like pea soup that's got little bits of pea still in it.

Whole peas or just bits?

Yeah, just like broken down peas, like it's half broken down in the greenness of the soup.

And of course, white pepper.

I'm a big white pepper person.

There's certain things that really bug me.

Claire said, my daughter said,

don't get too angry about stuff.

You can get angry.

Don't you know these are the same?

Okay, well, basically, I'm fed up of restaurants that don't have white pepper.

They've all got this grinder, the big sort of grinder with the sort of black pepper.

Yeah, and black pepper is great for pasta and stuff like that.

It's great.

But years ago in this country, we used to have white pepper.

In every cafe, there'd be a little plastic thing of white pepper.

And now you can't get a good white pepper.

Oh, no, we don't have white pepper.

We only have black pepper why why don't you have white pepper yeah you know on eggs black pepper's shit yeah you have to have white pepper on eggs on mashed potato on shepherd's pie yeah or on uh macaroni cheese white pepper yeah white white pepper is the only thing that will do you're mainly putting it on quite pale stuff so um i imagine the white pepper you don't know how much you've put on well you just you

give it a bit of a shake it's a bit like a sort of it's like talcum powder but it's not you know

but it it's people need to rediscover i think it's associated with sort of lo-fi, old-fashioned, old ladies, whatever,

that people who are trendy restaurant establishments think that don't really put it out there.

But I predict that there'll be a bit of a resurgence in white pepper within the next five years.

Partly because of this podcast.

Yeah,

I think it'll probably help.

So I'm a big, big white pepper person.

Why did we get onto that?

Pea soup.

Yes,

I put white pepper on the pea soup.

There you go.

So that was why I mentioned that.

What else?

Just something else that bugs me while we're on things that bug me.

When it comes to, because I can't really cook, but I can do a sort of a

like a

breakfast.

I'll do that quite well.

I think of you every time I have a fried breakfast.

Yeah, so do I.

Okay, so

partridge did that.

We did that.

There was a party thing about fried breakfast.

And I don't, I try to be vegetarian, but I reserve the right to not.

be vegetarian when there's like an amazingly good like roast dinner in a in a proper like gastro pub that really used

aged beef and it's really really yeah um so i will do that if i only if i know the provenance of where the meats come from so otherwise it's you know we've been over that it's not nice it's not nice thinking about hot and i don't like you know and also i don't want animals to be badly treated with the breakfast the partridge bit about the breakfast oh yes using the sausage as a break water yeah to keep the beans away from the egg i'm still pretty that i mean that is me i mean i don't i don't mind being i don't mind beans on sausage and i don't mind sausage and egg and i don't mind you know in in in the old days when i ate more meat you know bacon and egg um and uh and and beans and bacon but but beans just beans and egg

it doesn't quite work for me so but these days i still do a black fried breakfast but i'll i'll do um i use veg good good i mean the the vet the veggie meat options now are so good you know the like the sausage in the old days meat substitutes like if you if you got a veggie sausage it was just vegetables put into a sausage shape yeah now it's um now they're they seem a lot more tasty and so uh i have those uh but i don't like people who put beans in the microwave it really makes me angry yes um not as angry as you know uh human rights violations but but pretty angry somewhere and somewhere

between human rights violations and um uh a paper cut yes yeah yeah yeah

um so he's got what microwave beans because they come when your microwave beans they come out hot and hard hot mini bullets yeah in sort of watery tomato sauce what you need to do is put when you're doing a breakfast you the first thing you put on is the beans

and really let them break down it's almost like almost to the level of mushy peas but not quite so sort of mushy beans then they're much nicer to to put on your your breakfast so um don't anyone puts beans in the microwave it's kind of

i think this i think it's i know they're probably maybe they're busy and they probably don't like me for saying that but i just think it's about quality of life at the end of the day because they even sell them in little microwavable pots, don't they?

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

That's just, it's just, that's just awful.

Porridge, you know, people, I mean, but you can, you can microwave porridge.

It's fine.

But I mean, some things, actually, I'm not anti-microwave, you know.

I know some people are snobs who don't have microwaves.

Ooh, ooh, they give you cancer.

No, they don't.

Don't give you cancer.

It's bad science, bad science by people who make science up.

Yeah.

Okay, anyway.

So is the soup the starter?

Yeah, sorry.

That's what I sound quick, but yeah.

It sounds very boring, but you know, I like simple things while done with good ingredients.

I've got a slight obsession with genie logic.

And so this might be, we might not get to the food store.

I have a huge problem with Christina Aguilera

because she's the, like, she claims to be the number one world's genie expert, right?

And then she sings it, but she knows nothing about genies, right?

In that song, right?

She sings,

if you want to get with me, baby there's a price to pay yeah i'm a genie in a bottle yeah gotta rub me the right way right two things first thing you don't rub the genie yeah you rub she's saying yeah exactly you rub the lamp yeah she says i'm a genie in a bottle right

genies do not live in bottles right yes in i dream of genie there was a bottle in that one larry hagman kept her in a bottle but that relationship was it was sex live basically you know what what i'm saying like yeah there was something going on there that wasn't a an equal relationship he was he'd imprisoned that genie to work as his domestic slave yeah so that's genie slavery so i'm not accepting the bottle situation yeah so she claims you have to she's a genie in a bottle they live in lamps and if she is in a bottle you would rub the bottle not the genie itself yeah yeah so i'm just saying she shouldn't be singing that she knows bugger all about genie

and then so i always like to check if somebody's claiming to be a genie, I need to know wispy.

But you're saying that a wispy genie, is it because you've seen the pictures from Aladdin where the genie's emerging and you think that he's still a bit of an attack, like an umbilical cord almost like a genie?

Almost like a genie bilical.

A genie bilical.

So he's attached to the lamp.

And almost if a genie detaches from the lamp, how long can they survive?

Are they getting their nutrients?

Are they getting their nutrients from the lamp?

And you know how, like, when you like, say, a cow is giving birth, yeah, and

the calf comes out first, yeah, and then, or any other mammal for that matter, and then afterwards, there's like all of the

uh, what did they call it?

After birth, the afterbirth, yeah, yeah, that all comes out, yeah.

And what's the name of the thing?

We placenta, the placenta, yes, of course, which some people eat, of course.

We could double back to that later.

Don't give away your starter.

Um, there's dessert, oh, always a sweet placenta um

is there like a sort of a genie placenta lamp shaped that if you yeah when after the three wishes are granted then a sort of wispy placenta flops out and you just see like a dead genie just with its kind of wispy bit down to thin yeah then like a sort of lamp a lamp shaped placenta sort of placenta if that was the case and i knew that was going to happen a loud and two would never have been released and i would never do my third wish I'd just do the two wishes, and I go, you know what?

I don't want to see the genie placenta, so I'm going to leave it.

Or you could make the third wish.

I wish this isn't about to happen with the placenta.

And that's the, you know, you sort of, and that's how the genie.

That's freeing the genie, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You say, look, you're going to be, you're just, the lamp is no longer going to be dragged.

Does he just drag the lamp?

Yeah, but just thinking, if he is attached to the lamp, when a genie moves, do they just like drag the lamp behind them?

But that's probably, that's probably how they keep them, you know, like when they're in the cave what's it called the cave cave of wonders the cave of wonders that's the they just drill the lamp to the shelf yeah and that stops the genie it's not magic that's keeping them in there yeah yeah it's nails but yeah yeah or no more nails yeah the glue yeah yeah you know that it has the same effect is that sort of thing do people still use no more nails i think so yeah i think so yeah still going strong yeah that's good no more nails in the advert i remember there was like a chair halfway up a wall that someone had used no more nails to stick to and the guy was sitting on it talking about no more nails and i was like well that's the only thing i want to do with it now yeah i want to stick a chair halfway up a wall and be able to sit on that halfway up a wall yeah but was it was it araldite was that the you know where he stuck his he was in a jumpsuit and he stuck it to the and then he was lowered over uh sharks I really was that there was a lot of that going on.

I think now, because what do they call it?

They call it imitative behavior, don't they?

I think like nowadays, you're not allowed to just start sticking your shoes to the ceiling and going, I'm Brian Glue.

And with Brian's glue, you can put your shoes on the ceiling and hang upside down.

You can do that.

Yeah, because the kid's going to watch that.

I'm going to stick my shoes to the ceiling like Brian Glue.

Kill them to be like Brian Glue.

Who wants to be?

Who wants to be?

But so, Wispy Genie.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a Wispy Genie.

I may have thank you, by the way, on behalf of all genies for, you know, sticking up for us with the Christina Aguilera song.

It's good to have an ally.

You know,

for years, I don't like the way that she's positioned herself.

She's positioned herself as the voice of genies.

That's interesting you say that because at what point in the song does she say, I'm the worldwide genie expert?

Well, she released it on all major platforms.

She was doing a whole, like, there was a whole tour where the reason people were going is to see her gyrating around saying, I'm a genie.

I'm a genie in a bottle.

You've got to rub me the right way.

And even if that is like a sexual thing, I also think that because genies are essentially, they're not solid.

So if you try to rub a genie, your hand goes through

the genie.

So even that, even if she actually was a genie and had the paperwork to prove it, and then you, she, you went, I'm gonna,

all right, Christina, if you're up for it, I will rub you the right way.

You can't because your hand goes straight through.

Well, then that's the wrong way, isn't it?

Maybe there is a right way.

Oh, there is a right way.

I think we've run out of time for

in in those like uh later countdown days i was in a lot of bands around northampton and uh when richard passed away we had a big memorial gig for him and uh

yeah there was a big because a lot of the a lot of the people in the bands were you know unemployed so uh

we were very big with the announcements

and yeah

my friends the retro spankies released a single that was a tribute to

yeah to um what was the name in band the retro spankies okay that's what the band was called okay and uh

love that very good stuff probably an anagram or something

i don't think it needs to be that's wonderful man you can probably still find that single on spotify and whatever but oh i'll look for that oh and thank you because he was so loved yeah

genuinely properly properly loved i and few people are loved that much you know because he was all in it boots and all do you know what i mean we were like when we did it it just was a dream like you know you you obviously have a very special relationship yeah um and you don't always have that do you no no no and you go oh i did a lovely show the other night with xyz and that and that was great that's good show cracking show but then you have a special thing and it is special absolutely yeah yeah yeah

we chose to do this together but you were like thrown together i guess yeah we were yeah i was 21 god i can't imagine being 21 Unmarried.

I've had a few since then that he said.

But it was wonderful.

Richard used to say, because I was married twice, and he'd go, and one of our lines was, and he was married once.

and they got divorced about a year later.

And he always used to say, because he used to do the local show calendar,

which like local news, you know, like London Tonight or whatever, on ITV.

And he always used to say, yes.

And I wore a black tie for a year and nobody noticed

he was famous for his ties

you were saying you know how big it was with students which it was because it was on at like four four thirty in the afternoon after lectures and so on and it was I mean it was five million a day who used to watch countdown back then different times there weren't you know there were only four channels that was a time to go shopping

did you well should go shopping all the supermarkets

well it would be yeah and everyone's nana had taken like the telephone off the hook yeah yeah don't yeah don't you dare knock on the door don't you dare ring me while countdown's on you know all of that and it was just

just this joy and richard with his ties so the students came in in the later years we would often have an audience of students a whole audience particularly in the evenings who were younger than the show

you know we'd been going 22 years or something and they were all like 18.

and then one night they came in, and everybody was in like this garish jacket and a bloody awful tie, you know.

And we go, What are you doing?

What are you saying?

I love your ties.

I go, Oh, yeah.

We've all come as Richard Whiteley tonight because there'd be like just over a hundred in the audience, and they'd all like from Leeds, and Leeds met,

you know.

And we go, Oh, that's fantastic.

And Richard came into the studio and he was so chuffed.

And I said, Well, how'd you get the outfits?

Oh, we all went to our dads and said, Can you give me your worst jacket and your worst tie?

And Richard was just like oh that's amazing

you know we just loved it when people made an effort yeah and it was a great love that's the thing it was just like we're all in the joke together yeah to me yeah

very very happy time yeah and you're a part both of you just a part of people's lives because you're on every day and every day the most regular thing that people have steady yeah and when something rude came up that awful one that begins with cu that you see on uh and ends in ps that never happened

Yeah, you see that on a meme quite a lot.

That never happened.

But some did come up and then we'd have to keep a straight face.

I mean, it was all about keeping a straight face.

And then, of course, in the early days, you know, they'd go, no, cut, cut, cut.

You will have to do it again.

Oh, really?

Yeah, but then if you'd got a six and you'd got a seven, James, then we had to sort of do it so that the scoring was a sort of yeah, of course.

If I yeah, if I'd got a six six and then James got a rude seven.

Yeah, but it was allowed.

Yeah.

Then we had to re-record it, but give you a different seven to say.

Gotcha.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah.

Because we couldn't have a rude word.

Is that in your perfect 10 quiz book?

Is there anything else?

No, it isn't.

Rude word.

Rude word countdown.

That's not in that.

No.

Rude word countdown happened in the bar after.

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Something about my teeth at the moment is quite alarming.

COVID came along, didn't it?

My husband, frontline worker, helps people who are in a pickle with drugs and alcohol and all that sort of stuff.

I'll leave his card here.

Because he was given two choices, either live at work with lots of people who were not distancing and whatever, because they're all in a bit of a pickle, or go home, do not touch your wife, and sleep in another room.

So he chose the latter, right?

So we had this very weird few months where he's in a different room at night.

And I did not like this at all.

So I found my comforts in returning to childhood by every night, and this is, I'm talking about after brushing my teeth, afterwards, right?

Five chocolate Eclair toffees.

Always five.

Why?

Don't know.

Can't answer you.

Bit weird.

Lined up then.

I think, oh, come on, tonight, French.

Tonight is the night you only have four.

Come on, let's go four.

Let's go three.

Let's go two.

Let's go one.

Let's go none.

Let's wean yourself off.

How long ago was COVID?

Two years, three years?

Well, 2020 was the big kickoff, wasn't it?

2020.

So we're now in 2023.

So we'll say three whole years.

How many days is is that?

So 365 days within three years, 900

million, million days.

Five toffees every single day.

You're still doing it?

So my still doing it.

Can't stop.

He's back in the bed and I'm still doing it.

And he has to wait.

I say, just wait.

I'm on toffee number three.

I'll be with you shortly.

And that's now my teeth have gone smaller.

My teeth have been smallened by the sugar.

Everything's gone wrong with the teeth because I'm favoring the sugar over the husband.

But I'm thinking sugar or husband, sugar or husband, both.

Did he know you were doing that before

he could come back?

I said, look, this is what's going on.

You're not there.

And so I'm turning to sugar for my

nutrients, for my comforts.

She went, okay.

Well, we don't know how long COVID's going to last, but okay.

And then when he was back in, I tried to sneakily do it.

I don't know if you've ever tried to open a chocolate declaire sneakily.

So then what I I started to do was noisy packet, isn't it?

Noisy.

I actually unwrapped them earlier in the evening and put them in the drawers.

And I would just move the drawer and put them in, but then the other way like this.

Pretend to be scrolling or something.

Yeah.

But I'm really.

And there is the chewy noise as well.

You can't answer questions if you

can't answer questions.

Although I don't get asked a lot of questions at bedtime, do you?

Oh,

like, could you, could you leave now?

Yeah.

I apparently, I can't believe this because it's not ladylike, do do a bit of snoring.

Yeah, apparently.

Well, everyone does.

He does.

But when I'm doing my snoring, this is the noise that I hear.

This is how I know I'm doing snoring because he does this noise.

Do you think that's all right?

Yeah, I think you're a cat.

In the night, yeah.

Because that apparently brings me out of the sleep enough to stop the snoring.

And I get very annoyed.

I go

up out of the REM sleep.

What the stab?

And back again.

And apparently, then I'm snore-free for another hour.

So

he's doing what he considers to be a considerate thing.

He is.

Because he doesn't wake you up fully.

He doesn't fully wake you up.

My answer is go to the other room.

If you hear that, please

leave.

You'd love to that other room during COVID, won't you?

Have you considered half having a toffee and sticking your teeth together?

That might stop the snoring.

Is it the teeth that makes the snoring?

The noise isn't it your uvula?

Sorry to use that word

at the back of your throat.

Is it called that?

No, septums here.

Yeah.

it's not your septum.

No septums here.

I think it might be that tonsilly ucular thing that's hanging down at the back.

Or is that just girls, or is that just me?

Wouldn't that be awful?

I find out that I was the only person who had tonsils in the world

and nobody else had them.

I had some kind of prehistoric hanging skin thing in the back of my throat.

And everybody else, well, what do you mean?

What do you mean?

You call it what?

Tonsils.

That would be so bad if you found that.

You're flesh in your throat.

How do you eat?

It's a flap in your throat.

Anyway,

you're a dream drink to see.

Okay, so yeah, I talked to my daughter about this.

I said, what's the problem with it?

I don't know what my drink.

I don't drink anymore.

I used to drink a lot, maybe a bit too much, sometimes.

But

if I was still drinking, it would be, and this is really the church I've made, is don't like lags.

They're all right, but the best drink of all, by far, the one that I miss,

because I don't drink, is bitter.

And that's it.

I think Alan actually might have said that.

But anyway, bitter, room temperature bitter hand pumped in a from a pub not chilled so it's just at room temperature not that fizzy a bit flat yeah uh that to me is a perfect

i just love the taste of that do you have a particular a particular better

well the weaker the bitter the better and that's not because of not wanting to have as much alcohol it just tastes better so you get like 3.8 percent is that's a good or 3.6 or 3.8 that's a really good because it's a better and the the reason they're not that popular in public is they don't keep they don't keep as well so unless someone drinks them quite quickly they're gonna they lose the bit goes off so they're all 4.8 and five and you think oh great loads of alcohol than that it's actually not a better drink it's an inferior drink because the lower alcohol

in one of the the mugs the sort of mug no i'm not i'm not i'm not a dick about it

no i just like i know in a normal glass i'm not uh i'm not like a real ale uh sure but so no just uh so that would be oh uh but the thing is because i don't do that now i go through fads uh as my daughter knows where i go i get into a certain kind of thing like a kombucha you know i was buying loads of kombucha trying different kind of kombuchas that's what he goes with and um you'd love that as well kombucha yeah yeah this of sad the sourness combined with the sweets don't like things that are too sugary uh and then the cbd drinks i start getting into all those and i go to that phase and i go back to the kombucha and then i just like um you know uh i quite like those uh Duchy of Cornwall orange jiggers well

okay uh it's like sort of just what jigger it's like a posh person's name for orange jigger for just orange juice which I think this might be fizzy so yeah I do like uh Prince Charles Dutch King Charles King Charles Dutch of Cornwall produce even though I am an anti-monarchist yeah it's interesting because when I buy that stuff I go

I don't like having a royal family but I do like his produce

and so I feel a bit tall but

I think you can be anti-monarchist but also admit they've done some things right yes they're

I haven't yeah I suppose it's because just because most of the people who are into it all those flag waving plastic boater people are just I think are kind of idiots because they support a power structure that keeps a foot on the throat of working class people yeah and um I just not very keen on that kind of thing but yeah yeah agreed but but having said that uh

you know the queen worked very hard and uh yeah so so she's all right she was all right yeah the rest of them

are problematic for me okay i guess they're also like pouring like while they've got their foot on the throat they're pouring juice in them out yeah when the foot the foot

at least king charles if he if he as the head of a power structure even unwittingly and and maybe subconsciously has his foot collectively on the throats of working class people by being party to a power structure that rewards the blah blah blah you can fill in the rest yourself and while he's doing that well he's got his foot on the photos you're right he's he's uh

putting orange jigger in uh mouths mouths mouths mouths

welcome kathy burke to the dream restaurant we've been expecting you for some time yes here we are we actually have we actually have yeah well i did listen to um lovely richardy grant on your show quite recently and i heard you say you wanted either me or the rock yeah so i couldn't i couldn't actually get in touch with the rock himself um

but i did i did bring the rock

to just be part of it yeah yes but for the listener uh kathy has brought an action figure of the rocks that is good that's he's got a little black waistcoat on and no top yeah that's amazing absolutely ripped as you'd imagine and he moves look at that and i wonder if can he sit Oh, let's sit him down.

Let's sit him down, yeah.

Let's get him.

Let's get him comfortable.

What film's that?

What film's the one where he wears a little black waistcoat?

Was that wrestling out?

Wrestling, it did have WWE.

Yeah, WWE.

It would have been by that point.

That's yours.

You can keep that.

I should have got two.

You'd have one each, but.

We can have it in the studio.

Yeah, I think that's a good thing.

And then it can be in every studio.

I thought James would somehow get more pleasure out of it than you, Ed.

That's probably true.

Is this something you bought specifically for this purpose or did you have one kicking around?

No, I ordered it on a well-known delivery service and there was a ripe palava.

Was there?

Well, it didn't get delivered.

It said we couldn't deliver and I thought it was a goner.

And I ordered it about three weeks ago.

And then the other day, a neighbour from down the road said, oh, I've had this package for a few days.

And it was the rock.

I was like, oh, wonderful.

Did you tell your neighbour what the package was?

No, I'm never that familiar with neighbours.

Thank you very much.

You start on that cable,

they'll never leave.

Yeah,

my neighbours are the same.

They're simply addresses to have parcels delivered to and pick up at a later date.

Exactly.

I try and have chats of mine.

Do you?

Yeah, well, we're right next to each other,

right in a little corner.

I mean, I have to say, my neighbours are lovely.

Yeah, it's very, very nice.

But I've always sort of kept myself to myself.

Yeah.

You know.

What I'm imagining, just for my own amusement, is that Kathy's neighbour is the rock.

Yes.

So that's why you didn't tell them what was in the package.

I feel like if Kathy's neighbour was the rock, you might have been able to get something from him to bring in rather than order a...

Maybe.

I don't know, man.

Maybe noise.

He might not have liked some noise in the past and didn't want to do me any favours.

I'm on a street What's up group?

Oh no.

Oh no.

See I've really resisted for a long time.

Yeah.

But it is brilliant.

Is it?

Yeah, because there's one guy down the road who always

looks out the blinds just at the right time as something's happening and you're like, you're looking out those blinds all day and the other day he saw a workman who was working in one of the other houses come out of the house and um and do a shit next to one of the cars what

what

that's outrageous and listen to this this guy went outside and took a picture of the shit and put it on the whatsapp group oh geez well excuse me i just burped i tell you probably why you had to have a shit outside because a lot of people don't let builders or workmen use the conveniences in their their home, which I think is outrageous.

It is completely outrageous.

And completely unhumane, inhumane.

And going to the bathroom is very, very important.

So it might smell for a bit.

Yeah.

And just tell them, say, look, clean it after.

I don't want to be sorting out anybody's skid marks.

So just make sure you clean it.

It's all you got to say.

It's all I say.

Yeah, yeah, it's all you say.

I mean, the story went on and on, like there was more details coming through.

I don't think he was very well.

He was only 16 or 17.

And then he had to come back and clean it up because his boss told him to clean it up.

And then he was crying while he was cleaning up the poo.

Oh, this is so sad.

But from my perspective, reading all that on a WhatsApp group, I had the best morning of my life.

Of course,

of course, because, like, you know, it is funny when people cry.

Yeah,

it is quite funny.

Especially when they're clearing up their own shit.

Yeah, yeah, that's funny.

That is funny.

Sorry, awful.

Where's me diddo?

That's what you call our podcast, That's what I call your podcast.

What a bunch of national treasures.

It has been our national pleasures.

I love digging from national treasures.

I love digging from national treasures.

You know what else I love?

Impressions.

Oh, yes.

We love an impression on off-menu, don't we?

We do.

And you love doing a Shrek impression.

We might hear a little one of those.

It says here, we love an impression on off menu and then two commas.

And then even if it's terrible, brackets like James's.

Let's hear from Nick Frost and Helen Bauer.

Or is it Michael Kane and Shrek?

Well, when I read that, I thought, I don't really remember having Michael Kane on.

Yeah,

that's interesting, isn't it?

Yeah.

You got a technique for those potatoes?

People always looking for the tips for the most potatoes.

Yeah, just hot.

Just hot, hot oil.

I'd put them in hot oil.

Yeah.

I'd parboil them first in the oven.

Use an oven.

Hot oven.

Yeah.

I mean, I'd turn it on,

preheat the oven, and then a pan.

I always put it into something.

I don't just tip them into

loose into an oven.

These are all good tips.

Yeah, I mean, I think annoyingly, not annoyingly, God love it.

My ex-wife does an amazing roast potato.

And mine are never quite as good.

I think you can say that's annoying.

The situation.

I don't want to seem bitter.

I mean, also, I need to support her in that.

And so, you know, I often say to my son, we share, oh, isn't mum's potato nice?

You know, as a way of, I want him to grow up thinking, dad never, he never bad mouthed mum.

But if it was always just the potato if that's all he is he's just always yeah all he's got here is the potatoes

and also mum's potatoes are nice aren't they aren't they

for the bloody house of the potato

so i yeah she has a good potato but i mean i guess always just crispy and yeah soft inside and par boiling and shaking yeah yeah through a colander through a colander because that you get a nice little um a little softness then to the outside my wife calls those michael caine's rice potatoes because he once detailed that recipe in an interview uh in a broadsheet newspaper so he's taking a lot of credit for that recipe yeah put it on him let him my favorite michael kane fact is that when he does a film at the end of the day he uh has the wide shot first and then when they push in he puts his own trousers on and then when they push in for the close-up he's got all his own clothes on so then he can and then as soon as they wrap he's all right i'm off and then he goes uh that is outstanding right well yeah i love that

But him, like, just saying to the mate, costume, can you make sure my trousers just stood by so I could put them on?

That's got to go.

That is a good impression.

Very good.

That stuck up on me.

I like Michael Kane.

It's because also you're not doing too much.

So what people do with Michael Caine impressions often is they really go for it.

Right.

It's a big...

But you've

60s.

Yeah, I think now it's,

I think.

as people have aged, my voice has got better at doing an impression of them.

And I think David Attenborough getting old has certainly helped me too, because I can do a, I spent about two or three weeks a few years ago, I just said to myself, do David Attenborough and get a good one.

And I did it.

And so, shall I, I'm going to.

Please, please.

For these young baboons, there, life is just beginning.

While for others, that life is sadly in the web.

And then like that was

otherwise, like, I was doing it to myself, to myself, like, he's in a voiceover booth, but like he's going a bit mad.

So, like, after everything,

he says, ah, birds.

And the guy says, hey, Dave, David, I'm so sorry.

You said birds at the end.

Oh, right.

Okay.

Ah, baboon birds.

You see him losing his mind.

But you hear him as well, like talking to himself, saying, I wish the earth would die.

I wish all the animals would die.

Dave, you know that mic, see the microphones up, right?

That's a hot mic, Dave.

That's a hot mic.

Have you been to the Shrek adventure?

No.

There's like a magic bus ride that really makes me think about it.

Yeah.

Like it's really similar.

Like you're on this bus and it's like you're going through these different worlds and I'm like, oh.

With Shrek.

Yeah, with Shrek.

Oh, no, Shrek's not with you.

You have to.

Part of the adventure is you're going to get Shrek from prison.

He's in prison.

Awful.

Why are you looking at each other like that?

I'm not looking at Ed.

Why, what's happening?

I've got my hand in front of Ed, so I can't see his face.

Moving on to your main course.

Do you know James does a brilliant impression of Shrek?

No.

So if there's anything you would like to hear Shrek say, then ask James and he'll magically transform into it.

Yeah, obviously Augustus Starling saves some room for later, but as Shrek.

Okay.

Okay.

The lines of my head.

I've got to get into it.

No, I get it.

I'll vamp up to it with some other words, with some like stop Shrek phrases and then stop Shrek phrases.

That's HUDS.

Ogres are like an onion.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, my name is Shrek.

Oh, donkey.

Augustus, darling.

You say so rule for later.

What was that?

What was that?

Ellen looks so disappointed.

That was disappointing.

No, come on.

That was.

Devastated.

Who told you that was good?

Ed says it's good.

It's really good.

Is it?

Yeah, that's why we make him do it on every episode.

I have never heard that before, and I have listened to this podcast.

Maybe Maybe he gets edited to that.

I don't know how Benito edited it.

I'll say this, babe, it's not good.

It's actually woefully bad.

No, he's just warming up.

So, do Augustus Sterling say it?

He did it.

He said it.

Oh, did he?

But

I said it to Augustus Gloop.

I told him you'll save some room for later.

He sounds like a Texan, like a Texan man.

My name is Shrek.

Don't care.

Don't care.

Have you been to the Shrek Adventure?

He is the Shrek Adventure.

You are

come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination.

My Shrek, I'm a marble.

You can come imagination.

More like donkey.

No?

Donkey, you and me.

We'll not charge it in the factory.

That's a good match.

I am green.

I am Shrek.

I'm a big friendly ogre.

That's lovely.

That's really.

That got better because I liked the song a lot.

But I'm a sucker for a song.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That was upsetting.

Well, there we are, James.

I mean, that was like watching Dead Ringers.

Yeah, it was.

It was exactly like watching Dead Ringers, actually.

Shout out to the Dead Ringers crew.

Everyone loves the Dead Ringers, man.

You know who else everyone loves?

It's Paul Rudd.

And of course, 2023 was the year that we finally banged big old Paulie Rudd.

And even our guests can't stop talking.

What the hell is this?

Even our guests can't stop talking about it.

Yeah, because we're teeing up that Joe Cordish is talking about Paul Rudd.

Yes.

But then we hear.

But then we're going to hear from Paul Rudd.

Joe Cornish and Paul Rudd.

That's what you're about to hear.

I mean, I've been served courses that...

are just like i don't want to eat any of that cube of peculiar substances here's the thing i like to know what i'm eating yeah so i like to see it i don't like sauces

because they feel like a smokescreen really

yeah yeah yeah you don't see the sauce as part of the dish no i don't i think it's like well if you're going to cook something cook it nicely don't smother it in a sauce to try and you know putting a sauce on something is like wearing a halloween costume on a daily basis or something do you know what i mean no it's like a mask to hide on a daily basis

but this but do you the sauce is surely part of the cooking.

You're suggesting that they've cooked something and then grabbed some sauce from the fridge or something and then just cover this.

You can't just taste the sauce.

It combines the corner.

Okay, well, here's the other weird thing.

I don't drink tea or coffee.

Right.

And I've only just

in my twilight years, which I'm now in.

Are you in twilight years now?

I think so.

Started drinking hot, like hot drinks.

Like I've got a lemon and ginger here.

So basically, hot sauce.

I just don't like hot fluids.

Right, okay.

Okay.

You must have had people like this on before with peculiar influences.

Oh, that's it.

We've heard that Paul Rudd does not like sauces.

I've eaten a meal with Paul Rudd.

That must have been the driest meal in existence.

Yeah, but Evan was like, those two guys, what the fuck?

I got a piece of lettuce on my epiglottis is what I remember about that meal.

It was with Edgar in LA.

Yeah.

We were in quite a pulse restaurant.

This is when we were just, yeah, when Edgar was casting Ant-Man before we left Ant-Man, Edgar chose Paul for

Ant-Man.

And yeah, so we sat down and had a meal with him and I started sort of convulsing and unable to talk and coughing violently.

And it was a little piece of, tiny little piece of lettuce, almost like

a little rip of Rizzler that was basically attached to my epiglottis.

Very difficult to get off because you can't get a finger and thumb in there and peel it off.

You risk twanging your epiglottis.

Gosh, Paul Rudd, shrink down to the size of Ant-Man and go in there and get it, right?

Very good.

Yeah.

Thank you.

That's the only way.

Me and James have both been thinking about that ever since.

You can tell.

You can tell.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're absolutely right.

As soon as I'd said the only way to do it, I went, fair enough.

I should have said to him, look,

if you want this part,

get the lettuce off my epiglottis.

The audition of all auditions.

Yeah, wow.

But I don't think he would have got the part.

No.

If he could do it in real life.

If he'd shrunk down and got the lettuce off your epiglottis.

Well, you wouldn't have got that.

Because imagine the VFX money you would have saved.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If he could really shrink a dip.

Dumped in your mouth, got the lettuce, then came out your nose

and then sat down and carried on talking to Edgar.

That would have been a meal to remember.

We're very excited to have you on the podcast because there's a long-running thing on the podcast that we need to settle with you.

Yeah, are we getting this out the way early doors?

Yeah.

I think if we don't get it out the way early doors, everyone's just going to, they won't be able to think of anything else.

The listeners, listeners probably don't even remember us talking about fat fuck noodle bar So all they've been thinking about is whether or not Paul likes sauce.

Yeah.

I love that I'm here and we're going to get to the bottom of this.

Yeah.

So for anyone who hasn't heard the previous episodes, Ashlyn B, who was in a series with Paul, she said that during that film in Paul refused any condiments.

He would not have any sauce, any condiments on anything wet at all.

Anything wet.

He only likes dry food.

It got bought up a few times in a few episodes

as a joke.

And then Asma Khan came on the podcast,

Paul has been to Asma's restaurant.

And we said, Did Paul have sauce when he was there?

Was it all dry food?

She says, No, I don't have a sauce.

He loves sauce.

So we don't know.

Yeah.

Everyone's confused.

He's the real mystery here.

And this is the only person who can give us the answer.

This is basically a true crime podcast now.

Yeah.

Let's get to the bottom.

Let's get to the bottom of this.

I'm putting all my cards on the table.

Yeah.

I like sauce.

I think sauces are great.

I grew, you know, I kind of grew up in Kansas City from the age of 10 to 20.

And Kansas City is a huge barbecue place.

And so barbecue sauce, it's like people put it on everything.

I like it.

I like hot sauce.

I like it.

I mean, I like lots of sauces, but I loathe ketchup and mustard.

Right.

And by the way,

yeah, I don't like ketchup and mustard.

And mayonnaise, I just don't know what that is.

So I avoid it.

But see, this is where it gets a little weird.

I don't want to have a sandwich put mayonnaise on it.

Yeah.

But coleslaw, which is made with mayonnaise, I'll eat it.

Right.

So I don't know.

Mayonnaise is the real gray area.

Yeah.

Mayonnaise is really, it is, yeah.

It is.

And by the way, I've seen some mayonnaise that is gray,

and that's why I'm just not going to touch it.

You are going to do it.

No.

It's so, even the idea of it, I find repugnant.

But you have coleslaw, so it's almost as if you don't trust yourself with how much mayonnaise you're supposed to put on.

It's a good point.

Yeah, yeah.

there are certain things that I think

I'm gonna force myself to eat this and like it when I was little I think I liked three things four things maybe and it was always embarrassing to go to somebody's house or go to a restaurant and somebody would serve something and I just like oh oh no I would avoid going to people's houses for dinner or going you know like I just I was like, I can't deal because they're going to serve something.

I'm not going to lie.

When you were little, you said, yeah.

How old is little?

Like 32.

I'd say probably like six, seven years old.

It's kind of amazing to be, obviously, like children don't like some foods and like say, I only like these things, but also to have that self-awareness of like, I can't go over to someone's house.

I'm going to really get a dinner.

I still have like these traumatic memories.

I went to a McDonald's or something with a friend of mine and his dad said, what do you want?

I said, a hamburger.

And my mom always ordered hamburgers for me and they would always just, she would order them plain.

And so I got a hamburger and it had ketchup and mustard and pickles on it.

And I'm like, oh, I don't like this.

And he said, well, you got to eat it.

I said,

can I get a different one?

Cause I don't want, I don't like the stuff on it.

And he's like, no, you got to eat.

That's what you wanted.

That's what I ordered.

That's what you're going to eat.

This is my, this is, by the way, it was like my friend's dad.

Now, like, what a jerk.

And I don't know.

Was he trying to teach me something?

He thinks I'm a son.

And so I had to,

I

remember eating this burger, kind of crying like Coco from fame when she's covering her,

takes her shirt off.

And I'm eating this burger that I hate.

And then I remember I would sometimes go over to his house.

And the first thing I...

I'd say, my mom said, I didn't have to eat anything.

I don't want to eat.

up Lave, I'd go have dinner or something.

So he did.

It was really traumatic.

Yeah.

Awful.

Yeah.

You can see why you don't like ketchup now.

Well, I don't think that caused it, but it just never even occurred to me, I think, as a really little kid who loved and loves French fries or chips

to put anything with it because they're so perfect on their own.

Sure.

So that cemented it for the sound of things.

That was.

But before that, they didn't like ketchup and mustard.

No, no.

And mustard, you know, I think it would like if it got on your finger or on a clay, I was like, the smell never goes away.

And I just think of a hot day and mustard on my shirt because I think I went to a football match and let somebody spill, like accidentally got mustard on my shirt.

Yeah.

And it was hot.

I'm like, oh, this sucks.

I want to go home.

I got to take this off.

And I like, I had a real kind of visceral reaction to it.

I went to college with a guy who had such an aversion.

His name was Walt Neidner.

That's his real name.

And

he hated the idea of ketchup and mustard mixed together on a plate.

And we would sit around and say, boy, imagine like if you had, you just squirt out some ketchup and, you know, and it makes that sound.

You sound like a paper plate and it's, and you're outside on like a picnic and then some mustard.

And he would just say, stop, stop.

And we could always make him throw up.

Just by imagining it.

And so it became, I mean, we were vicious.

The group, you know, all the time, just start talking about it.

And then it got to the point where it's like, so you have a paper plate.

You need to say, like, he would then think about it and throw up.

So this for the paper plate.

Because obviously where I thought that was going was you, you were going to say you literally did it in front of him or you would get ketchup and mustard.

But all you needed to do is talk about it.

To make Nietzsche.

His imagination did the rest.

He hated it.

I think he had a similar thing like at summer camp or something where it's like, oh,

something just grossed him out about it.

But I get it.

I feel the same way.

Sounds like Niedner got it worse than you.

Needner when he was a kid.

Niedner.

Something happened when he had it.

Something happened.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what was the catch?

So you didn't like mustard.

I understand the mustard on your finger, mustard on your shirt sleeves forever, especially on a sunny day.

Was ketchup?

Ketchup just seems just like sugary and tangy and nasty to to me.

Yeah.

Like I like a burger and I'll put like a cheeseburger on it, but I don't want ketchup on it.

You want it just as is.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, still, it's like sometimes a burger will show up and then it's like, oh, I got to look under the bun what's on this thing.

And it'll be like, and so, and the worst is when it's like a pinkish orange.

I think that's a thousand islands something or other.

Yeah.

It's like a mix of mayonnaise and ketchup and some other nonsense I don't want.

I have to try and scrape it off.

And that's a dollar through a thousand islands.

Yeah.

Yeah, for someone.

Thousand Island.

What is that?

What is that?

Do you know?

I think we've had this discussion on the podcast before.

No one knows.

No one knows.

No one knows.

No one knows what it is.

I think it must be like ketchup and mayo mixed, right?

With a bit of spice in there.

There's definitely those two things in there.

I think maybe

Tabasa Tabasco in there.

All right.

Beyond that, I have no idea.

I can honestly say, I don't even know what it tastes like.

I've never had it.

I don't think you should.

I don't think you should.

I'm not going to start now.

How did Walt Needner feel about Thousand Island?

I never even asked.

On a paper plate.

I don't know.

Yeah.

I mean, I imagine if I asked, he'd puke before I even got the questionnaire.

That's going to be it.

Well, there we are.

Lovely to finally get to the bottom of that source dilemma, James.

Yep.

The mystery of the source.

Not many podcasts have a narrative arc that stretches over many series, but we've done it.

We've Paul Rudd and the source mystery.

We've done it.

And Paul Rudd wasn't the only guest we fanboyed at this year.

We didn't fanboy over Paul Rudd.

Anyway, Benito's wrong about that, but apparently we didn't fanboy over Florence Pugh and Ree Shearsmith.

Oh, yeah.

I fanboyed over Florence Pugh.

And I got my ass.

I got fact checked.

We could have gone out for cocktails with Pugh, but you ruined it.

Yes, I absolutely ruined it.

I'll hold my hands up there.

And

Reese Shear Smith, I think we did.

Yeah, we definitely.

He didn't.

Because I...

I deliberately fanboyed over Rees Shear Smith.

Yes.

Because I know that he doesn't like that sort of thing, and it absolutely worked a treat.

Did Granny Pat go to the Midsummer premiere?

Can't imagine taking a granny to Midsummer.

I took her and my grandad.

Yeah.

Fantastic.

I took them to the Odeon in Oxford because we'd missed it.

They couldn't come to the, well, the premiere was in New York.

So I took them to the Odeon and we all sat down and annoyingly, it was the first time they ever screened the movie and they completely botched it up.

Like the,

it stopped playing the movie, but the sound kept on going.

But because it was such a weird movie, people were like,

and then it got to the point where I was like, no, God,

this is wrong.

And I was like trying to wave.

And then eventually someone came in and like, so the

projector stopped working.

Oh my god.

And we're going to get it up and running in a bit.

And we were like, okay.

But it was in one of the moments where you really needed to see everything.

And then it happened again.

And it was just one of those like, oh my God.

Oh, and also the, but it was the wrong sizing.

So you couldn't see any of the

fuck what's the word translation oh yeah

and so no one no one knew what was going on and then i remember my granddad at the end was like well i wouldn't have watched it if you wanted it i was like no i know that granddad

i mean his okay here's questions about that now we brought it up yeah let's do a food one first yeah we still got the food yeah what was it like getting the fish in your mouth and the tail first it was quite funny we actually had loads of conversations about the fish because i didn't quite i didn't quite imagine i just didn't there's so many things that when you read a script you're like oh yeah then we'll do that and then you don't really think about the act of actually doing it you're just like oh that's gonna happen yeah and that happens honestly with me so many times and it's only until someone's like well do you do you want to um swallow it whole or do you want do you want it hot and you're like wait what oh my god and they brought out this platter of fish one day and it was so bloody hot there it was budapest in summer is as hot as la in summer it's like boiling but the buildings aren't cool and they don't have much air conditioning.

We were shooting in the middle of a field in mid-summer and very little shade.

And so food, like the prop food, kept on being sat in the sun, would start to go rancid and would go off.

It was like, honestly, nightmare, like actually nightmare.

And so they brought out this platter of fish and one was...

huge, absolutely huge.

And then it just went down to like normal size.

And Ari said, what do you think about that one?

And it was like bang in the middle of sizes.

I was like,

Yeah, I think that's still a bit too big.

And then they were asking me to like weigh them and feel them in my hands.

I was like, This is so weird.

It feels pointless to weigh them in your hands.

I was like, Sorry, sorry, can we just talk about what's happening with the fish?

Because it says in the script that they bring out a herring.

I was like, But what is happening?

And he goes, Oh, they're going to dangle it in your mouth.

I was like,

What?

I kind of hadn't really processed it.

Anyway, so we chose that one and then I made sure that they put it on ice because it was shooting the next day and they were like, on ice?

I go, yeah, it's going in my mouth, on ice.

So then they put it on ice and they're like, it's on ice.

I was like, great.

So they weren't going to do that.

They were just going to leave it there until the next day.

I think they would have refrigerated it, but we'd had a few issues with like.

the seat, the crustacean tower hadn't been refrigerated.

And so it literally,

when we were doing that dining table scene, we were doing that scene for maybe two days or something.

And by the second day, we were like,

like gagging, like actually gagging.

And then it had to actually be swapped out with apples because people couldn't sit there anymore.

Some people were being sick.

I love the thought of everyone gagging.

And the only person not gagging is the guy drinking all the pubes.

He's loving absolutely fine.

A great banquet.

Yeah.

This was the mirrored table.

Yeah, yeah.

So, but how was that?

I mean, yeah, I just got like a face full of fish.

Well,

maybe that's why you you dream about fish all the time.

Yeah, get them into bowls.

It was fun.

You know what was a bit weird was that obviously it was just very slimy and oily, but like my face was covered with the scales and my lips were covered with scales.

So it was just a bit like, oh, this is so unpleasant.

And then afterwards, of course, you just wipe it off and get on with your day.

So I just still, I stank a fish for a bit.

Because it looks, it looks in the film.

Fishy.

Like,

it looks like you are...

It's genuinely someone trying to do what they're asking you to do.

And the reaction seems really real.

It's like, no, I can't do this.

Yes, it was that.

No, I mean, it was in the script that she can't do it because it's a huge fish.

But

it was also made even better by the fact that the whole table was like smiling and cheering at you.

So it just played into the surreal, you know, surrealism of it.

What do you think happens to her?

Because the festival isn't over at the end.

There's still days left.

And you're all smiling at the end.

But I mean, what do you think?

I think she survives I think she's

so she's had a psychotic break that's what's happened when she sees her husband fiancé are they married oh my god I can't believe they're not married her boyfriend sorry I kill so many of my husbands in my movies

when she sees her boyfriend um having that orgy in the in the temple i think that's like one of the last things that she can probably deal with and i think through the mushroom trip and the this trip and the that trip I think when everything starts when she like for example when she's on the on the throne with her flower dress and she's given the choice to either choose her boyfriend or the other sacrifice I genuinely and also this is always actors always have different I mean the idea of the movie should always be that what happens in the movie, but you always have like slight changes because it's you that's playing them.

And as long as obviously you're giving a performance that they can edit, then it doesn't really matter what you were thinking when it happened but i i always took it as like she was kind of gone by that point and just the pampering and then and the weirdness and the oddities of what was happening so when

she looks at him i never thought she looked at him to kill him i thought it was more of like she was in a different place she was in a different

she wasn't her anymore and she almost looks at him as if like

She's she's getting that recognition.

She knows that it's someone that she loves and she knows that it's someone that's hurt her so that whole zoom in is like for me it was her processing deep deep from wherever it is that she's got lost to that that is someone that has hurt her and then it snaps and then he's been chosen so i always thought that she survived i don't think she's probably ever going to come back because to come back from a psychotic break you have to have deep, deep treatment and work that obviously those people don't have.

Yeah, they're not offering that.

No, they're not offering that.

But I do think that they care for her.

And I do think she's in in that weird twisted horrible way she's in like a place that people actually want her to be there and i do think she will be getting respect and and love in a weird way there um i don't think she's ever coming back from this break yeah it was funny when i did it i was so um wrapped up in her and i've never had this ever before with any of my characters i was so wrapped up in her that when i was making the movie there were so many places that i had to go to i'd never played someone that was in that much pain before and i would put myself in really like shit situations that other actors maybe don't need to do but like I would just be imagining the worst things because each day the the content would be getting like more weird and and and harder to do I was putting my I was just putting things in my head that were just getting worse and and more bleak and and I think by the end I had probably most definitely abused my my own self in order to get that performance and when I left the shoot they still had three days left to shoot because I was off to Boston to go and shoot Little Women literally straight away.

And I remember when I left, I said goodbye to everyone.

And when I was in the plane, I looked down and by that point, I'd traveled so much over the weekends to go and do press for Little Drama Girl that I knew exactly where the field was when I was in the plane because I'd follow the road out.

And I remember looking down.

and feeling immense guilt.

Like I felt so guilty because I felt like I'd left left her in that field in that state

and it was so weird I've never had that before never I've always thought that like all my characters have once I've left them like yeah but they'd be fine in the next situation like they know how to handle themselves and this one I was like I've and obviously if like that's a probably a psychological thing where I felt immense guilt of like what I'd put myself through yeah of course yeah but I definitely felt like I'd left her there in that field to be used to be um

not to she can't fend for herself almost like i'd created this person and then I just left her when I had to go into another movie.

I mean, to be fair, probably better leave her there than take her with you to Little Women.

Totally, totally.

Yeah, I don't think she has a place in Little Women.

But it's funny.

It was just like, I'd obviously created such a sad person

and then felt guilty that I had created that person and then left her.

But I guess that feeling of guilt is like kind of the character as well, right?

Yeah.

So like she's feeling guilty about feeling that she's let people down.

So you kind of, you are.

Yeah.

Well, I think she's fine.

I think she's fine.

I think, like, I do think Pele would look after her.

I don't think he's going to abuse her or hurt her.

I do think that community appreciate her being there.

But I felt like it was my reason.

I've trusted those fine.

No.

No.

What do you think is going to happen?

I think they kill her.

Really?

Where were the other May queens?

From the past?

They were there.

Oh, were they?

Yeah.

I think she's fine.

She's absolutely fine.

She's there.

Also, they killed all of their sacrifices.

Oh, so that was all the sacrifices they needed.

Oh, that's quite reassuring to me.

Yeah.

I genuinely have got like, I now know what

she's using.

I've watched the film a lot and I watched a lot of videos online about it.

I love that.

And it's a big, it's a big side dish as well.

It's a lot.

Also, I mean, you know, I'm quite excited for it's your menu and we're getting all these like big calendar days of the year there because a lot of listeners are going to be getting 12 Days of Christine kind of vibes from this now.

That's what they are.

He hates it.

He hates 12 Days of Christine.

He hates it.

because it it's very odd brand for you to hate probably a lot of the fans favourite episodes

absolutely be like fuck 12 days of christie

we're not even in it

you're in it well i'm in it the tiny bit you're in it

you're trying to help you you're i know well yes i

sort of cause it yeah um yes it's a good one

oh yes i've never been happier to bring up something

i wrote it in five days and it's this amazing one that everyone recounts as being the best ever episode.

It's not your favourite.

Not your favourite.

Not your favourite, wouldn't it be?

If you were in Charlie.

What's interesting is, you know, we try our best and the hardest thing in the world is to make them funny.

Admittedly, that one is not funny.

It's got some funny things in it, like people are in the world funny along the way.

But it's because it's got heart, it's because it makes people cry.

They are the ones that seemingly stick with people.

Like with the one we did with the double act, Steve.

That was very moving as well.

Yeah.

You know, it's not something we tried I think it's a gimmick we don't think oh we should do a sad one that's what works but that one I think was the first one that we did Christine that was sort of like unexpectedly emotional

and so and of course it's great and Sheridan Smith is great in it I just get annoyed because it's everyone's first root number one

and I hate ranking I hate them putting them in order anyway Only today I read, there's some real stinkers you can't get through.

Where are you reading that Agri?

Twitter.

Don't stop looking.

I've got to look at these animals.

They might be in Anguister.

Oh, which ones?

Yeah.

They're the hardest ones to write, cunt.

I remember, it's a proper moment.

I remember being in Melbourne when

Christine exactly.

I remember.

You're still talking about it?

Yeah, yeah.

This is fun.

You remember?

I was in a hotel full of comedians.

Right.

I remember walking out of my hotel.

Crying your eyes out.

I had not seen it.

So I got up in the morning, opened my door.

John Kearns in the room next to me.

He comes out.

He goes, Have you seen

shattered?

You've seen this inside number nine.

You've got to watch it.

Later on that day, he sees me again.

Have you seen it yet?

No, I haven't watched it, Kearns.

Have you seen it yet?

Let me know when you watch it.

Kept on checking on me.

I had to watch it while I was there to let you know.

It was standing over you looking at me.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm feeling the emotions, Kearns.

Don't worry.

You wait, you wait.

It's coming up.

It's coming up soon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a twist.

I won't tell what it is.

Watch

I'm going to watch you when you watch it.

Yeah, yeah, you've got to watch this.

Well, there we are.

Thanks for spoiling our friendships with celebs, James, by being a little fanboy.

It was my pleasure, Ed.

Well, talking of Pew Pew, our food podcast.

One of Bonito's better puns.

That was my pun.

Yeah, I know.

I thought I'd pin it on Bonito.

Oh, yeah, Bonito.

Very rude.

Yeah.

Our food podcast is actually a Pooh Wee and Vomit podcast in disguise.

I mean, this is a long list of people.

We must talk about this a lot.

We we do fern brady to heep jimmo paul foot aj adoodu florence pew kathy burke ross noble tim minchie talked about wean with florence pew what the hell is wrong with us

so here's a question that everyone probably had earlier in the podcast i feel we should circle back around to before we uh move on with the menu is um sorry to ask it but how bad do your farts stink when you were uh eating the eggs all the time they weren't they weren't bad they're actually worse when i eat a lot of tofu and beans beans which are two of my favorite foods I fart loads loads and loads

because the two the second two loads and loads made me laugh loads but James knows exactly why I'm laughing just because I find that sort of thing really funny yeah and you said it in a really serious way like you were musing on it yeah yeah

but isn't it good for you yeah probably I got really into reading about the gut microbiome and eating fermented foods but i get i tend to get like quite obsessive about one thing at once so i read that eating for your gut is gonna help you live longer so i made my own kombucha i bought like the thingies that make kefir

uh i've made my own what's the other one the free k's cabbage

I made it all at once and then you're not really supposed to eat all them free things at once and in like massive quantities.

And I honestly just like my shits were like flying out of me like wet piglets.

It was so,

oh my god.

Because I was like, I didn't know the power that this stuff had.

I just was like, I'll be fine.

But yeah, I love all the fermented stuff.

So you've just eaten loads.

It was just the amount that you're eating was what was causing the wet piglets.

Yeah, you can't have the three K's at once.

You're going to just like sort of sprinkle them throughout your life.

You put three K's together and stuff starts to get that.

Yeah,

that's when something starts.

You should have known this is going to turn pretty bad if if Romeo liked still water and Juliet liked sparkling water do you think that that love would have bloomed absolutely not I think they'd have seen each other at that party and been like she likes sparkling water bro

you get it like nah I'm out man I'm out but surely that's the whole point of Romeo and Juliet they're from two different two different houses oh you're right sparkling and still

and then love shouldn't work should we should we do like a Romeo and Juliet animation and it's like sparkling water and still water that's That's it.

We solve all the world's problems.

We end race as it

all sorts of intolerance.

It's an analogy for everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sparkling and still water.

Then you get invited to the White House again.

Yeah.

And they're like, thank you.

I can't believe you're spam.

You've had another project that's helped the world.

So angry about sparkling water people.

That's not very Ted Lasso of you.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I mean, Ted hates sparkling water in the show as well.

Yeah.

He like drinks it and spits it out and can't stand it the entire time.

And I'm like, yeah.

I'd follow that man

into battle.

He doesn't like tea i'm not a big tea drinker either right yeah like i don't i'm not a hot drink person i don't drink coffee i don't really i mean i'll drink tea but i'm not like passionate about it yeah maybe a hot chocolate i just like burn my tongue and then and that's it my day is ruined

would you say you're the most like ted lasso out of all the cast

oh

am i the most like ted no i don't think so who would be the most like ted lasso well it's not brett it's not brett definitely not you know brett it's not brett

Brett's the most like

his own character.

He's the most Roy Ken.

He's the most Roy Ken, but also the most not Roy Ken at the same time.

It's a very soft.

But I guess, like, that's Roy Kent.

Like, Roy Kent is a teddy bear and pretends not to be.

And I guess that's kind of Brett as well.

But Brett doesn't pretend not to be as much.

Yeah.

But yeah, Brett's not the most Ted Lasso-like.

Who is the most Ted Lasso?

Nick Mohammed, who's been on this podcast, is obviously not the most Ted Lasso-like.

Yeah.

Just a lunatic.

Absolutely revolting.

Nick, they're hating on you, man.

I don't know what to say.

They're hating on you, bro.

The guy that plays Danny Roe has, he seems pretty happy.

Yeah, he is very happy.

Also, very horrendous food choices.

Watching Cristo eat is horrific.

Like, I think people who love Cristo because he's like the happiest, like, most charming boy in the world, if you watched him eat a meal, like, he'd, he'd lose a core chunk of his fan face.

I think.

Talk us through it.

It's just, I don't know, because like he's, he's really fit and like muscly.

And like, he, he's, you know, like, I think he's like proteining up just to like stay, stay the most attractive boy in the world but it's the it's the eggs man like he eats a lot of eggs and i think that's like that's protein right but i'm like i can't watch you eat six boiled eggs and not feel like we have six on the bounce yes and like i'm like we have to call an intervention like it's just something has to be done bro it's a lot it's not good for you yeah it's not good for your insides um

and the farts oh it's just yeah yeah it's gumping up a storm it's uh it's it's it's tough does he shout farting his life

it's not that bad no but

his life um christo does eat a lot though he's like he's the he's the person that like will get our food um and and like we're making it through our first one and christo's coming back with his second and then he's got like two more to take on with him i'm like yeah he eats a lot and um and that's why he is strapping attractive young man with the best head of hair i've ever seen on a human being do you think that's the eggs do you think if you eat a lot of eggs your hair stays thick and juicy thick and juicy or the farts the farts go into deluscious um Maybe it is that.

Maybe that's what it is.

Maybe he's just like selling us the dream of, oh, yeah, protein and jiggle.

It's good for me.

I want to stay.

But it's just that's all those nutrients are going into his hair.

Maybe every time he farts, his hair grows.

If you look at him, really.

If you look at him every time he looks like a fart, his hair just grows.

He pushes him out.

A little bit, yeah.

He just puts a little bit into his hair.

Like one of those play-doh things.

This is crazy.

I mean, no fun in Dende.

I smell a hit movie.

I think

the superpower is his hair grows when he fucks.

Yeah, I'll make that movie.

Are we including the Pornstar Martini?

Pornstar Martini is one of the 12.

Pinot de Charon.

Yeah.

Because it makes you sound sophisticated to order something like that, doesn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Pinot de Charon.

So I have that as a peritif.

Yeah.

Camparian soda.

Oh, it's a classic, isn't it?

It's lovely.

It's a classic for a reason.

It's bitter.

I love bitter flavours.

Yeah.

I love all the flavours.

I used to think that I wasn't very sophisticated with wine because I like all the wines.

But then I realised that's because I like all the flavours.

I like sweet, I like bitter, I like sour, I like umami, the fourth flavour.

Yeah.

And I also, I don't like the fifth flavour.

What's the fifth flavour?

Shit.

It's not good, is it?

But even in a small dose, it's not good.

No.

It's never, it never adds to it.

It's not good.

It's horrible.

It's a horrible flavour.

Bitter, sweet, sour.

Marmine.

And shit.

I'm done.

We've got a lot of drinks to get through here, Paul.

Yes, yes, all right.

All right, then.

We've had three, haven't we?

I believe so.

Yeah, so, um, have we?

Yeah, we've had three.

Yeah, Pinot de Chiron, Campari and all the campaigns.

Please.

Actually, let's keep going through it.

Let's keep adding one and then having to go through them.

Yeah, Paul Star Martino, Martini, Pinot de Charon, Campari and soda.

Yeah, after that, Sherry.

Yeah, have a sherry.

I love your sherry.

Not sherry.

Then after that, Chardonnay.

Nice Chardonnay.

Nice wine.

Yeah, very nice.

After that, a nice other white wine.

Another white wine.

Any white wine.

Riesling.

Yeah.

Have a Riesling.

Yeah, you like Rieslings, yeah.

After that, can I have shit juice but not have it?

Just leave that one.

So it's one of the drinks, but I leave it.

So I only drink 11 of them.

Yes.

Shit juice.

Shit juice, but you're not going to have it.

Taste of shit.

It's the essence of shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you're not going to have it.

But you'll have it.

You spot it there.

Yes.

As a reminder of, like, at least I'm not drinking that.

How good you've got it.

Yeah.

But it's not actually shit.

Because it reminds me of, you know, there's that thing at the

modern art thing in Hobart in that

museum there where they've got a machine that makes human shit.

Wow, I didn't know that.

So they like

they've got a machine that they put food into and it in every way imitates a great big machine.

Exactly the same chemicals that are in the human body and it makes shit.

And it takes the exact same amount of time, right?

So people turn up to the museum to see the machine poop.

Have you been there?

No, but I've read about it.

Yeah, so it comes out.

Yeah.

But it's not real poo because it's kind of is real, but isn't.

sure because it's just like chemical wow so i'd have the same i'd make the i'd make it chemically yeah sort of chemical shit flavoring yeah see what it from that machine yeah from that machine yeah from hope bar

i think a lot of the arguments in big brother classically have been driven by lack of food sometimes oh my god well i think people get hangry don't you know what genuinely this is this is the reason why i'd never go into that house right because i just think

you know, meeting people, being sociable, that's one thing that's amazing.

But also, you know how it is, it's exhausting.

You might get back.

I mean, I don't know what you do to unwind in the evening, but I'm like, I do like to sit in silence and watch TV.

It's hard to believe because I go, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, all day.

But I do.

I have quiet time with me, myself, and I.

And I don't want to speak to anyone.

But there, it's 24-7.

I'm like, oh my gosh, what?

They're sleeping next to me.

They all sleep next to each other.

They have to do the shopping list with each other.

It's kind of like, I always remember in previous series, people being like, cheese, you want cheese?

That's so expensive.

I don't eat cheese.

Yeah, I don't need to eat cheese.

It's always an argument, isn't it, about cheese?

Yeah.

And also the scenes, the desperate scenes where people...

are going right we're dividing the toilet wall and sheet by sheet they're cutting it out and they're rationing toilet paper And it is just, I just couldn't do it.

No, no.

I wouldn't want to ask any housemate in there, do you scunch or do you fold?

Because one's economically not right.

One's a bit more wasteful than the other.

I'd go through all of my toilet paper ration within the first hour of getting it.

Why?

And then, well, and then I just, because you know, I'd like to be luxurious with that sort of stuff.

And then for the rest of the week, I'd just be having a shower every time I went for a shit.

Yeah.

It was a good way of doing it.

Yeah,

they don't film you in the shower.

No.

It's okay if you've just got shit running down your legs in the shower.

They're not going to get that on camera.

Because there's always, like, I remember a classic celebrity big brother argument.

John McCrurich wanted his Diet Coke.

He complained about his Diet Coke the whole time.

There's the Diet Coke.

David's dead.

David's.

Oh my gosh.

That was nothing to do with food.

That was nothing to do with food, but it was iconic.

Well, it's the best TV show moment of all time.

And I'm including like succession.

It was so good.

And I just remember Nikki, bless her, R.I.P., but she was amazing when she was like, who is she?

Who is she?

Where did you find her?

And then just complaining about, you know, she just eats all of the cornflakes.

Like the mountain of cornflakes is in that bowl.

And you're like, oh my gosh, babe, chill out.

It's literally corn flakes.

But they are.

They're so hungry.

Yeah, it senses.

You've got to do that with cornflakes.

What?

I think corn flakes, you've got to have a big mountain of cornflakes in the bowl.

Yeah.

Why?

Because it melts down.

It's just great.

Like,

I want to eat loads of cornflakes.

So I like piling them up and then put the milk over, maybe a bit of sugar.

First out of the house.

You'd be absolutely first out of the house.

Yeah, I've imagined I would burn it.

James, why are you eating all those cornflakes?

You've eaten everyone's cornflakes for the entire week in one bowl.

Because it's great.

Because I like a big bowl.

So I like a big bog.

So a small bowl of cornflakes doesn't hit the spot.

Oh, my gosh.

You'd be amazing in the house.

Yeah, you would be actually.

already.

I know you'd be iconic.

Do you know what, AJ?

It's genuinely one of the things I have to live with in life is knowing that I would be the best on reality TV and yet I'm too up myself to do it.

It's a real shame because

I know I'd be excellent value.

Yeah.

Strictly?

Strictly, I'd be brilliant.

I'll be brilliant on traitors, anything, any of that stuff.

I can make a whole living just doing

all those shows.

But sadly, I'm too stuck up oh too pompous how do we bring you back down to earth yeah not you don't you've got it's just like i mean sadly because i'm a capricorn it means i'm hugely successful yeah which means that i'm never gonna do those shows you don't need to you don't need to keep if my career crashes if someone can somehow figure out how to bring a capricorn down

that i get desperate then you might you might see me in the well the only person i know who could bring a capricorn down is an aquarius yeah so you're gonna have to do some work there aj head to head

I don't ever want to bring anyone down though.

It's not my vibe.

I just want to bring them up.

Everyone can be up together.

Yeah, I'll never be on those shows.

If I was ever on those shows, I'll tell you, you think McCruick gets angry if someone steals his Diet Coke?

I'll be furious.

You can't have a story to tell him as well about how much Diet Coke means to me.

So still a sparkling water.

Still sparkling.

I'll go.

I mean, okay, I will go still, but my mum will go sparkling and make me feel guilty, so I'll probably get sparkling and then not drink it.

So your...

So your mum's made a sudden appearance here.

Is she at the dream meal with you?

Or is she always watching like Kevin Feigu?

Yeah, she's there.

Yeah.

I know.

Okay, I'm going to go still, but I still won't drink it.

I don't like water.

Okay.

Why not?

It's weird, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

There's a few people who've come on who don't like water in the past.

Yeah.

Claudia Winkleman's the main person we've had who just absolutely won't drink water i don't drink it like you know when you've gone for a run and you want to gulp can't gulp is that just with water or just with water

i can gulp orange juice yeah i can gulp elderflower per se

the first two of two examples i can gulp golden syrup golden syrup i can gulp tea when it's at a perfect temperature i just i think i think my problem with it is this is something that we all supposedly need to drink every day of our lives and it tastes like that.

Yeah.

Like it could taste like Eldeflapresse, but it doesn't.

Yeah.

It doesn't.

You're imbuing water here with its sort of own will.

I'm just a bit pissed off in all honesty.

It's like you're imagining water sat there going, I'm going to taste like this.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm just a bit annoyed that there was no creativity in the creation of water.

It was like all the things it could taste like.

It could taste like Whispering Angel.

It doesn't.

It could taste like, honestly, fucking anything.

It could taste like anything.

And it just is a bit like...

So for you, it tastes like nothing.

Because Jordan Banjo said to him, he feels like he's drinking a glass of spit.

That's what it makes him think of.

That is intense.

Yeah.

But to you, it's just flavorless.

No, I just, no, it's not flavorless.

It's just boring.

It's just boring.

And everyone's like,

no, I don't want some water.

Give it to me.

I didn't drink the last bit, but sure, make it overflowing.

How do you cope when you're in the States then?

Because especially in LA, they love to hydrate.

I usually have tea from morning to lunch.

And then I'll probably

have a glass of wine if I'm having a lunch meeting or something.

And then I should probably not do that all day because that's bad, isn't it?

But I definitely dabble in other areas.

It's hard though, isn't it?

Being a non-water water drinker.

People frown on non-water drinkers.

I know, and it's so judgmental.

I have a friend that carries a water bottle around with her all the time one of the massive ones no just a normal one yeah and she needs to fill it up at like tap places all the time so our day will have to be changed because she needs to go to a tap place and presumably to

a tap place yeah and presumably to the toilet constantly as well yeah that's another thing okay that's actually why i don't like water another thing yeah you we all the time yeah Think of all the experiences that you're missing.

Sure.

Every time you have a wee.

Every time you have a week, you're missing the best jokes because you need a wee.

Yeah.

You're missing the best scenes in movies because you need a wee.

I prefer to just wee as little as often.

Yeah.

I mean, you don't have to answer any of these questions if you don't want to.

How often a day

is the optimum amount?

Guys, I do wee.

You just saw I went for a week.

We didn't see you.

You saw it went to the toilet.

For you, the optimum amount.

Look, this is the dream restaurant.

You can also bring the dreams to all of your functions.

Okay, if I could, if I could just do like one thing a day, like if I, like all the bodily functions that we have to do and it has to be once a day, I think I'd just, I'd like to do it once a day.

Just get it out of the way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that can't happen because obviously you drink fluids to day or eating.

But

yeah.

Well, because this is the dream meal, I don't want you like starting off with like a glass or something you don't like.

I think I would go to the loo.

because that's what you do.

Yeah.

And then I'd sit down.

And since everybody loves to give you water, I'd take the water because I'm also polite and that's someone's job to come and give you some water.

And I appreciate that.

But it's the dream restaurants.

If you don't want water, you can have elderflower presses.

Oh, yeah, I'll do that.

Would you like what you were saying earlier?

The dream.

Yeah.

Water that tastes like elderflower pressa.

No, I'll have an elderflower pressse.

So I don't mind those little paddock cleansers.

Yeah, yeah.

I fucking ate a moose bouche.

What the boy is that?

Yeah.

Well, I tried to do it on this podcast for a bit.

I tried to give people a moose bushes at the beginning.

No, they're just like little glasses of sick.

Very chefy, isn't it?

Oh, it really is.

It's like, look, stop titting about.

Just make me my dinner.

I don't need these little glasses of puke.

Well, it's supposed to get your mouth ready, right?

That's the whole point.

But when I turn up to dinner, my mouth's ready.

Yeah, my mouth's always ready for dinner.

Where's my dinner?

That's in the trip when they do the, they say it's ray winston's phlegm

i hate that word

i love chicken wings so much that i was in dublin right are you aware of the chicken wing the dublin chicken wing wars we might have mentioned i don't know

tell us about the dublin chicken wings and then have you had the uh popular comedian and television personality jason manford on there no we've not okay myself and uh mr manford were in dublin we were working in dublin for a week and it turns out that somebody now the irish aren't known for their it's not chicken wings you always associate that with the americans don't you they say um somebody put on best chicken wings in dublin this one restaurant and then another place opened up and they were like claiming they so there was these two restaurants competing for the chicken wing crown and then another one popped up and then it became this thing of like because there was queues around the block for the two places and then there was no sign of the the chicken wing mania was growing so all these people started jumping on board thinking well if there's queues around the block no need to queue so there's like 10 restaurants in dublin who all claim to be the best chicken wings all in the same the same area yeah yeah in central dublin so i said because i love chicken wings and so i said to jason i said well there because he'd heard about this and um he'd been to one of them he said oh this place is definitely the best so i said why we're here for a week right

yeah we're here for a week i said why don't we eat nothing but chicken wings such an unnecessary part of the plan like like i thought oh it's gonna be you know that you try all of them you try all of them but yours is why don't we eat nothing but yeah but there's 10 restaurants i'm not i'm not gluttonous i'm gonna have the you know lunch and dinner yeah for five days yeah that's not a big stretch I mean look I do sometimes when I get a food that I like like this drink yeah sometimes I can go for weeks where I only eat that one thing yeah if you like something stick with it right until you don't like it anymore that very rarely happens it doesn't you're not burnout it's more than straight to the hypnotist it's

down there it's the pocket watch comes out it's chicken wings this time okay here we go you're in the

i went to dublin i tried to decide which one Do you know what chicken wing was?

Oh,

he made the chicken noise to stop him drinking the diet.

Cook, that's triggered a chicken wing addiction.

You're hanging out with Manpill again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, so I sometimes I will eat it.

I'll go through phases where I just eat like, you know, what one thing.

Anyway, on this, like, for example, me and a friend of mine, we spent a week in Devon where we just went wild camping, like sleeping in farmers fields not official and we ate nothing but ambrosia rice pudding for a week and i'll tell you what i mean i love rice pudding but jesus after a week of eating that there was some that

when is when was this uh probably five six years ago

and we we rode our motorcycles we decided to ride around devon we made a little film about in fact it's on the internet you can see the we got some of that you know you get the rice pudding where you can it's got the milk in it.

And then there's, you can also,

that Ambrosia Company, they brought out the,

it's rice pudding, but it's got a custard piece instead of a, and we wanted to see which one was the most appetizing to miniature horses.

So we went to a,

well, because there's that, down in Devon, there's a, like a Shetland pony rescue centre.

So we.

we went down into the field with all the Shetland ponies.

Like we put it on her because we thought we'd get the ponies to lick us, right?

So so he rubbed the custody one on his face and i rubbed the regular one on my face and then we got on all fours to us not to scare the shetland ponies and then we crawled up to the ponies in the field but then we re what we realized was we should have had half of each because i might have had a more lickable face than him and it had nothing to do there's no control there yeah but then also Ponies don't like dairy.

It's not a thing horses, they're not interested in dairy, they don't get it in the wild.

Even shetland ponies because they can get under a cow but you know they can't

suckle but what happened was we're on all fours and the shetland ponies were coming up but they were more interested because i they were on all fours so that like the trousers were a bit lower so the arse crack

they were more interested in and we've been sleeping rough for a couple of years yeah they were more interested in the musty smell of the arse crack than they were from the so it was an experiment it didn't work out but still a result of the experiment though yeah yeah yeah shetland ponies prefer the smell of sweaty asses to ambrosia rice pudding yeah but that's that's no advert for the ambrosia people is it and then um ants calling leather face oh

it was i mean we were sticky for it because we had no way to you know we were just washing in puddles and that so uh yeah anyway so we did that for a week hold on did you do did you put the rice pudding on your face every day for a week no that was just one day no I had pannas on my bike and we just packed it full of, we had cans that we would, we would heat it on the fire.

You just put it straight on the fire.

And then there was the yogurt style carton so you could eat it.

But by the end of it, if you eat nothing but rice pudding for a whole week, I mean, I don't want to be vulgar about it, but

we're talking Arancini by the time you pass.

You know,

after three days, you're doing Aranchini shits.

That's not good.

But anyway, so the point is...

So we're going to to have to zoom out on this story.

So

chicken wings was how we got into that.

So yeah, so yeah, so the chicken wings.

So Manford and I, we spent a week.

So Manford and I spent a week eating nothing but chicken wings.

And he had to bail out on the Thursday because he couldn't take it anymore.

And I pressed on.

And that was when I first

suffered

a crippling gout.

You don't like the idea of one of those taps.

You don't want too much technology in your house.

But what about a Japanese toilet?

You must want, everyone wants a Japanese toilet in the house, right?

My first experience of the Japanese toilet, I got to stay in Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber's apartment in New York once while

he was fond of me, I guess, because I was doing Jesus Christ Superstar, which was going well for him.

And Matilda's, he owns the Cambridge Theatre.

So we've got a bit of a relationship.

And I was over there,

actually actually opening Matilda on Broadway and writing Groundhog Day in his apartment.

I've got this fantastic photo of all my coloured sticky notes on his window overlooking Central Park in the Trump Tower.

Have you heard of that guy?

Anyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's got one of those toilets where it's got a little nozzle and you can adjust where it's pointing and it squirts water at

your pooper and all that stuff.

And it's pretty, it's pretty nice.

It feels like another thing that can break down and having to get

your poopy squirter fixed the whole time feels like

an annoyance.

Yeah, sorry, mate yeah but i did there was a water pistol that fires at my anus is broken yeah do you come over and fix it yeah yeah yeah just shift your anus mate

i know you wrote matilda but you can shift your anus you can at least shift your angus yeah and i definitely noticed people would disappear into the toilet and not come out for a while like it it was a sort of novelty thing where people which is a nice reason for it to happen at showbiz parties right rather than the other rather than the

actually it could have been the other option and you were just very naive yeah but loves that poopy squirt the poopy squat has blasted my line off the toilet

oh god i think i am really naive about that stuff yes i am

like i and even though because i'm not a taker of drugs particularly but i i'm really stupid about it like i've been in this i've been playing rock and roll for a long time and I just I'm still dumb about it.

Or I'll go to a party or all my actor friends like,

and I'm like, well, everyone's in a good movie, right?

Like, oh, Tim.

Yeah, it's every time.

Yeah, my girlfriend is way more well-versed in all that stuff than me.

And I'll always be like, such and such was in a really weird mood earlier.

She'll be like, they were on drugs.

What's the matter?

It was weird when that, when our friend head-butted the wall and then got back up.

Yeah.

I was obviously feeling very resilient that night.

Just going around like Will Ferrell in Elf.

Just thinking everyone's nice.

Pop-doms or bread.

Pop-doms are bread.

I didn't know that was a question.

I'm not prepared.

Popped up's or bread.

Yeah.

Oh, that was another thing.

That was what I was trying to remember.

I was going to ask.

Has Andrew Lloyd Webber ever played his song, My Name is Andrew, to you?

No, has he got a song called My Name is Andrew?

Yes.

No.

He played it to Josh Groban.

No, he didn't.

I think you're getting mixed up.

Josh Groban told us that when he came on the podcast, I think you made up the song, My Name is Andrew, from memory.

Well, I'll let you be the judge of who do you think made this song?

Me or Andrew Lloyd Webber.

He played it to Josh Groban and it goes, My name is Andrew.

Hello, hello, hello.

I have shoes and I have to go.

She might be in it.

I have feet and I have to go.

I think that sounds quite good.

Yeah.

I think maybe Josh Groban made it up.

Oh, he told me that.

Yeah.

Like Josh.

Groves.

Grob's probably made up

as well.

Parts of his angel Weber.

Andrew's quite eccentric, but that feels right.

Doesn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right, you've got to be.

Yeah, you've got to be that good.

You've got to be.

And he's very young when he was that good.

I mean, I think getting sort of really respected and famous young, it's,

I mean, the people I know to whom that happened are the most sort of destabilized people I know.

Not that Andrew's unstable, it's just like it's strange for your personality.

It's hard to know how to be.

Well, being brilliant and then also having to work extremely hard when you're that young, I think,

spins everyone out a bit.

How old was he?

I think he wrote a superstar at 21.

What?

Wow.

That's younger than Jesus.

Isn't the play.

Yeah.

Jesus didn't do it.

A dozen years.

Jesus

is smoking cones at 21.

That's his wilderness years.

Hanging on.

Yeah.

I'm worried that he put sticky notes on his window, to be honest.

How did you get off the residue?

Well, I don't think the sticky notes leave much residue.

That's the point of them, right?

It's not like I glued notes to the window.

Yeah, but I still wouldn't put them on glass, especially on a big window overlooking.

Well, I feel like he has a person who cleans those windows, like floor-to-ceiling windows.

Tim Rice.

Yeah.

Tim Rice, yeah.

yeah yeah he uses

Tim Rice to soak up red wine spills yeah yeah either that or you crank the poop shooter up to 11 and just angle it right out the bathroom

so that's it for part one part two is out drum roll tomorrow

we'll leave you with a message from Kathy Burke

Fuck off.

You're not in my mouth.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah.

Go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube?

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes.

But it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.