Best of 2023: Part 1

Speaker 1 Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Speaker 3 Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Speaker 4 And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Speaker 1 Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

Speaker 1 They've created an absolutely amazing thing. And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

Speaker 1 We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time. And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Speaker 3 Absolutely. So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Speaker 4 Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Speaker 14 Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

Speaker 16 You check your feed and your account.

Speaker 18 You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

Speaker 15 You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

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Speaker 1 Well, James, it's the end of another year in the Off-Menu Dream Restaurant 2023.

Speaker 26 Bye-bye.

Speaker 1 See you later, 2023.

Speaker 25 We loved you.

Speaker 27 We loved you with all of our hearts.

Speaker 35 Ed, do you know this year we've reached our 200th episode are you aware of that yes i am we embarked on our first ever tour yep and we finally found out if pool rudder likes sauces big year big year in the dream restaurant and we would like to welcome you to part one of our very favorite clips from the 42 episodes that we've put out this year yes big hello to me uh listening at home for the first time this year of course this is the episode that you listen to you clean your house and you listen to this yep hope you're enjoying cleaning your house man these are all really funny these clips.

Speaker 7 Any tips you want to give yourself for cleaning your house?

Speaker 29 Yeah, I mean, remember, you've now got four cats, so you probably have to do a lot more cleaning than you had to do this time last year when you just had two.

Speaker 1 Yes, remember that you've got four cats, James.

Speaker 5 Remember that you've got four cats.

Speaker 11 You've got to do a lot of cleaning this year, man.

Speaker 44 Like, you've got to be vigilant.

Speaker 39 But you've got all these clips to get you through the cleaning.

Speaker 1 Well, let's kick off the best of episode in the way that we kick off the actual episodes with still or sparkling. We've asked over 200 guests in our lives whether they prefer still still or sparkling.

Speaker 35 And we're still, and Benito's written this, he says, we're still, brackets lol, because he's amazed at the responses.

Speaker 50 He's noticed it's a pun for

Speaker 11 on Stillwater. Yeah.

Speaker 51 And we're sparkling, amazed at the responses.

Speaker 44 Yeah, it's a weird thing he's put in there.

Speaker 1 Let's hear from Jordan Gray, Jenny Clare, Selia A.B., Graham Coxon, Harriet Kemsley, Angela Barnes, Dr.

Speaker 34 Maggie, Adarin, Pocock, Judy Love, and of course, the hosts with the mosts, Ed and James.

Speaker 55 Letting ourselves down, actually.

Speaker 56 Oh no, yeah, it's a Bukaki

Speaker 58 we always start with still or sparkling water uh do you have a preference yeah I can't imagine why anyone would go out and order anything but sparkling because I can have still at home on tap and that literally on tap what I've really enjoyed about this part of the pun is that people often lead up to their answer with well obviously that but it's always different well it's obviously one of two but

Speaker 8 it's sort of all half always the same, really, isn't it?

Speaker 69 Yeah, but always the person is like, clearly this.

Speaker 27 Why would anyone else choose the other one?

Speaker 2 So for you, it's because you couldn't get Sparkling at home.

Speaker 59 Yeah, but I can't imagine a person saying, still,

Speaker 59 because obviously... What's an obvious reason to have still water in a restaurant?

Speaker 8 Thirst, I guess.

Speaker 58 People who don't like sparkling properly think it tastes rank. Like, they think it's horrible.

Speaker 4 It's like someone's farted in your water.

Speaker 65 All this kind of stuff. We've had all the reasons, haven't we?

Speaker 75 Yeah, so many reasons that people are like, why would anyone ever, out of choice, drink that?

Speaker 75 But then, conversely, we have like the it's obviously it's fancier to have the sparkling, it's nice, you want a night out, you want to do this, you know.

Speaker 44 So, yeah, it's always people just think, I think people don't know how strong everyone else's opinions are about water until they come on this pod.

Speaker 1 You could have sparkling at home, I could,

Speaker 59 I suppose it's going out of my way. Whereas I'm here at this restaurant

Speaker 59 at your behest,

Speaker 59 a bubbly water, like, yeah, it's like a party in my mouth. Yeah.
I'm the only one that's there, but I'm enjoying the bubbles.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Well, there's pictures on the walls of your mouth of other people who you like.

Speaker 59 Pictures of everyone having just had a sip of sparkling water and they didn't realize it was sparkling.

Speaker 30 It's all my favourite people going like I would have put a spit coming out.

Speaker 25 Are you at the party in your mouth or are you the party in your mouth?

Speaker 27 Yes.

Speaker 83 Good question.

Speaker 59 Saying, have I administrated and invited everyone to a party in my mouth?

Speaker 78 My own mouth.

Speaker 27 When you drink the sparkling water it is a party in your mouth but are you a guest at that party or are you are you simply the venue yeah you're right no i'm the yeah i'm the venue i'm i'm up in an office counting the money in my own party yeah i took money on the door and then i'm in a dark corner at the party in my own mouth

Speaker 27 it's quite sad really isn't it yeah that's what yeah do you think you could recognize your own mouth on the inside

Speaker 90 if you woke up and you were inside a mouth and someone said guess whose mouth this is?

Speaker 59 It definitely wouldn't be my first. I wouldn't have thought I'm in my own.
In fact, of all the mouths, if I woke up in a mouth, the last mouth I think was this.

Speaker 45 That's the least likely mouth to be.

Speaker 27 Because I'm like, I've got mine's here.

Speaker 46 However, if I did this and then a giant finger appeared in front of me and it's pulling, I'd be like,

Speaker 41 that's my mouth. That'd be insane, actually.

Speaker 94 Yeah, that would be mad.

Speaker 29 To be able to do that. Yeah.

Speaker 75 Wrap your head around that.

Speaker 59 And then behind...

Speaker 59 Here's what happened. This is the right layer three of the mouth inception party.

Speaker 59 Is you put your finger in, I see a giant finger and then the minute i touch that giant finger i feel a tiny me in my own mouth and there's a little me having a party in my mouth oh yeah and it'll go on and on and on

Speaker 27 past the big finger touching you you'd be able to see your mouth yeah no brilliant yes you would you would be able to see the inside of my mum again

Speaker 27 geez oh i can see why you picked sparkling water now yeah yeah this is great

Speaker 77 Still or sparkling water?

Speaker 98 Well, they're both quite dull, but I'll go sparkling,

Speaker 101 very clean glass, good glass thin rim i don't like a thick rimmed glass or or mug or anything really i like a thin rim um nah

Speaker 46 um

Speaker 99 and uh sparkling with ice and lemon but what i would prefer on the side and then i'll have some to i'm always a very thirsty person because i talk a lot i get quite dry uh i'll have some tap water on the side as well because otherwise it'll get expensive for you mind you it's a fancy restaurant you pay is it no no

Speaker 41 this will be the first meal you've ever had this value for money

Speaker 106 this is worth the money oh god my northern heartstrings relax

Speaker 101 um and i'd like some ginger beer on the side a good ginger beer ed'll know what i'm talking about yes and good cloudy like proper ginger beer yeah old old jamaica is that ginger i like that and i like the fentamens as well yeah yeah so i like ginger beer a lot obviously alcohol free i've not started drinking yet you'll know when i do

Speaker 101 um there will be alcohol involved in this meal jenny i have a question why is it just me who would know about the ginger beer and not james Don't trust him.

Speaker 85 I don't think that he'd have the palate.

Speaker 1 This sparkling water, you said you want it to be almost no water, mainly bubbles.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 109 Is that not air?

Speaker 110 Do you know how like honey has like holes, but then there's like little bits of honey?

Speaker 110 Or like Montal cheese has like, I want

Speaker 114 size bubbles.

Speaker 115 Yeah, I want big bubbles.

Speaker 110 And the reason for that is I really like how it feels on my teeth.

Speaker 111 I really like how the bubbles surround my teeth.

Speaker 110 It feels like they're brand new. Yeah.

Speaker 78 Yeah. I'm a late.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 78 You think that too, don't you?

Speaker 44 Yes.

Speaker 57 I think it cleans your teeth in the morning.

Speaker 111 Yeah, it feels like a little like a little spa day for the teeth. Yeah.

Speaker 76 Absolutely.

Speaker 44 100%.

Speaker 8 Spa day for the teeth.

Speaker 27 Spa day for the teeth.

Speaker 75 But you want it's like so many bubbles that like this sounds like it would feel like an electric toothbrush.

Speaker 96 No, not this many bubbles.

Speaker 118 Right for your mouth.

Speaker 110 So in between lame sparkling water and electric toothbrush on the spectrum that I want it to be maybe like 20% almost to electric toothbrush, but not painful.

Speaker 110 And I want it to be very cleansing.

Speaker 1 Do you think you can get too bubbly of water though?

Speaker 121 So does it get to a point where it doesn't feel cleansing?

Speaker 65 What if you took a sip of this water

Speaker 1 and then you opened your mouth and realized that it turned your teeth back into baby teeth?

Speaker 22 What if that, something? What if that? What if that?

Speaker 110 Well, let's think about that for a while, actually.

Speaker 14 What if that, though?

Speaker 4 There we come to a section of the podcast called What If That?

Speaker 123 What if that were Ed Gamble?

Speaker 27 Where's James? James not involved. James not involved.
Thanks for that.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 124 No guests.

Speaker 8 Yeah, just me saying, what if that?

Speaker 28 What if that, though?

Speaker 14 Well, let me, let me sweeten the pot here.

Speaker 125 Let me put this in.

Speaker 71 What if? What if this?

Speaker 16 What if?

Speaker 22 Oh, that's a good twist.

Speaker 71 That's my version. My phone often.

Speaker 71 What if this?

Speaker 74 What if this sparkling water that's really, really sparkling?

Speaker 2 Yeah. It will feel the best you've ever...

Speaker 72 That good feeling that you're talking about, it will feel the best it's ever felt.

Speaker 61 The best feeling that you've ever got from sparkling water.

Speaker 75 But it will turn your teeth back into baby teeth.

Speaker 76 What if that?

Speaker 123 What if that?

Speaker 110 I'd have to say, no, I like my teeth. Yeah.

Speaker 111 I'd have to say, if it's half and half, I'll do it.

Speaker 8 What if you had half baby teeth and half your teeth now?

Speaker 52 Top half or bottom half.

Speaker 27 What are you choosing?

Speaker 127 Oh, no, I was imagining it.

Speaker 27 Oh, left and right, left and right.

Speaker 65 I would happily alternate.

Speaker 61 Yeah.

Speaker 105 It's up and down or higgledy-piggledy.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 65 What if that?

Speaker 29 Don't get the chance to say that.

Speaker 125 I think that might be the first use of higgledy-piggledy on the podcast.

Speaker 126 I've never had that before.

Speaker 123 I like the sound of it.

Speaker 126 Can you say it again? Higgledy-piggledy. Oh, it's lovely.

Speaker 125 That English teacher didn't teach you that word to you. No.

Speaker 39 Busy teaching you all the effing and jeffing.

Speaker 32 I think i'd go for bottom bottom baby bottom row baby it's got to be bottom row baby because when you smile you don't now these guys could stay hidden their whole lives really

Speaker 121 yeah yeah it's got to be bottom row higgledy piggledy baby yeah then i'd get

Speaker 111 Then I'd get lip fillers was just for the bottom to make sure.

Speaker 46 Yeah, yeah, use the lip to cover it.

Speaker 131 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 68 Yeah.

Speaker 110 So in short, sparkling water.

Speaker 46 Yes.

Speaker 110 But I only go into sparkling water when I stop smoking.

Speaker 27 And my theory is that it feels like having a cigarette in your mouth wow because it i don't know what it did to me it did something to my tongue and it it hit the spot of like what smoking felt like yeah i haven't i haven't looked into this interesting we've not heard this before no we've not having a sparkling water is like having a cigarette hot ciggy i have have a sparkling water when i go to stuff on the way sparkling water after banging yeah

Speaker 132 you don't mind if i do do you have to nip outside a pub to have a sparkling water in the morning you have a coffee and a sparkling water.

Speaker 44 I have a sparkling water after banging just to cool my dick off.

Speaker 109 Oh no, you've got to be careful though, man.

Speaker 8 If you dip your dick in sparkling water, it could turn it back into a baby dick.

Speaker 65 Hold up, hold up. I've got a baby dick.

Speaker 38 Please don't leave, baby.

Speaker 133 Don't leave. I swear.

Speaker 112 I didn't know it would happen.

Speaker 135 I put my dick in sparkling water and I got a baby dick.

Speaker 112 Please don't leave, babe. What if that?

Speaker 136 Can I ask you a question though?

Speaker 46 I think about that.

Speaker 84 That's another one of my questions.

Speaker 111 Do you think it would feel nice to have a whole bath filled with sparkling water?

Speaker 113 Like how because you know I mean if someone offered it to me I'd definitely say yes.

Speaker 50 I'd want to know what that felt like.

Speaker 33 Yeah. I think it would feel nice.

Speaker 126 I think it'd feel incredible. Like a jacuzzi.

Speaker 41 Yeah, for a bit, but then would it would it feel a bit weird and sort of stagnant and it would flatten out.

Speaker 44 Yeah, it would flatten out.

Speaker 113 But then you could what's that thing that makes bubbles?

Speaker 126 That thing you can buy?

Speaker 27 Soda stream.

Speaker 19 Soda stream, yeah.

Speaker 40 You have a soda stream like um like where the taps should be.

Speaker 113 Yeah, like like you're a hamster.

Speaker 11 Thing is, soda streams don't work.

Speaker 27 So I think if you made a soda stream bathroom,

Speaker 65 it would probably flood your entire bathroom because they don't they tend to like explode a lot.

Speaker 110 Yeah, so that's a no for that, is it?

Speaker 118 Yeah, yeah, it's a no for me.

Speaker 1 If you had a bath of sparkling water, I'm imagining it with a slice of lemon in it.

Speaker 123 Would you do that? Oh, hello.

Speaker 138 Hello.

Speaker 138 I'd have a lot of slice of lemons.

Speaker 27 Cucumbers in it.

Speaker 126 Yeah. Cucumbers? Yeah.

Speaker 123 You'd feel great. Yeah.
You'd feel like a drink.

Speaker 139 You'd feel like a little umbrella.

Speaker 120 Yeah, I don't think you'd feel like a little umbrella.

Speaker 11 I think it would be fun to wear one of those hats that makes your head look like an umbrella as well.

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 141 So I think if you had loads of slices of lemon in there, great.

Speaker 76 One slice on its own would feel dirty.

Speaker 11 That would feel like there's litter in the bath.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Loads of slices of lemon, weirdly, would feel clean, luxurious, great.

Speaker 57 One slice of lemon, someone's dropped some lemon in my bath, it feels dirty.

Speaker 110 Would you let someone drink it?

Speaker 71 Yes.

Speaker 11 And if anyone wanted to drink it, they could drink it.

Speaker 74 There's people out there who are going to be messaging Benito saying, I'm up for that.

Speaker 43 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 105 There's a few creeps would love to drink my bath water.

Speaker 144 Definitely.

Speaker 22 Sparkling or otherwise.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Real shame.

Speaker 145 Still.

Speaker 142 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Straight away. Absolutely.

Speaker 41 Not a sparkling fan.

Speaker 146 Sparkling, I've always thought, was for Kanas.

Speaker 97 I think.

Speaker 147 It is, isn't it? Let's face it.

Speaker 149 Why is it for Kanas?

Speaker 146 Well, they need really something to cut through all the night before. You know, they need some fizz to bring them back to life.

Speaker 146 I've always thought that that was everybody I know, I mean, not everybody, I'm being unfair, but whenever people order sparkling water when they go to a restaurant, I go, I look at them, I go, oh, yeah.

Speaker 27 And I think,

Speaker 146 they've been caning it.

Speaker 146 So I like to have it, you know, as close to like source as.

Speaker 146 I'll be up there sucking on a hillside, you know, if I could.

Speaker 41 I mean, it's the dream. It's the dream restaurant.

Speaker 120 If you want to suck on a hillside at the start of this meal, we can do that for you, because I'm a genie, I've got powers.

Speaker 63 So if you want to be sucking on the Scandinavian hillside, maybe.

Speaker 46 Or maybe even where

Speaker 57 in Ashbourne somewhere, that'd be all right.

Speaker 46 Is that near Kettering?

Speaker 64 No, I don't think so.

Speaker 146 I think that's further north than Kettering.

Speaker 66 Where are you from in the Midlands?

Speaker 146 I'm from Derbys Bond and Derby originally.

Speaker 129 Oh yeah.

Speaker 46 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 125 My sister lived in Derby for a bit, so I'd go there quite a bit.

Speaker 60 Visit I've always spoke about everything about that on the podcast before.

Speaker 125 The man called Boston who would sit on the wall.

Speaker 78 Yes.

Speaker 57 Humpty Dumpty. You mean Humpty Dumpty?

Speaker 120 Sorry, yes.

Speaker 153 Humpty Dumpty. You got mixed up again.

Speaker 118 I'm not Humpty Dumpty.

Speaker 71 You're always doing that.

Speaker 86 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So you'd like to suck on a hillside.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 130 In the humstey.

Speaker 76 Would you like in the dark peaks?

Speaker 95 In the dark.

Speaker 118 You'd be like to be in the dark peaks.

Speaker 6 Sucking on a hillside.

Speaker 105 Suck on the dark peaks.

Speaker 2 Do you want a straw to suck on the hillside or do you want to just a lips to the hillside?

Speaker 146 I just like the lips straight on. Yeah.

Speaker 77 Just a bit constricting the straw. Yeah.

Speaker 66 I'd like to get the full pressure, the full water pressure, full in the fizzog.

Speaker 1 I think if anything made me suspect someone was a caner, it would be someone sucking off a hillside.

Speaker 27 Yeah, yeah. Not sucking off the hills.

Speaker 118 Come on, he's not sucking it off.

Speaker 46 But sucking the water off the hillside.

Speaker 68 Well, yeah, I guess so.

Speaker 76 Sucking off a hillside.

Speaker 66 Come on, man.

Speaker 143 Sucking the hillside.

Speaker 146 Sucking on the hillside.

Speaker 77 Letting one's lips yield to the pressure of water

Speaker 54 as it springs forth.

Speaker 79 Yes.

Speaker 150 I think that's all right.

Speaker 155 I have a problem though where I do I drink too much

Speaker 156 water and I actually have to be careful.

Speaker 68 Go on.

Speaker 155 Because my mum, I like, I it became like a

Speaker 155 maybe like a compulsion. And then my mum saw in this morning that

Speaker 155 people can die if they have too much water.

Speaker 155 And so

Speaker 76 if I have a drink.

Speaker 1 Did your mum say something about drowning and misinterpret it?

Speaker 157 I don't know. But every time I have a drink, she's like, hurry up, be careful.

Speaker 155 Because I think you can drown in your own body.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 159 I mean,

Speaker 33 you can. That's true.

Speaker 41 That's happened to people.

Speaker 1 But I wouldn't say it's necessary for your mum to say, every time you have a drink, Harriet, be careful.

Speaker 36 Yeah.

Speaker 73 Or she'd like me a little.

Speaker 58 Always completely understand someone when you hear just one thing about their pet.

Speaker 27 Oh, that's why just every time you give water your mum's like having it be careful you'll drown in your own body

Speaker 155 and that your mum saw that on this morning She saw it on this morning and then she was like, I think you have that problem.

Speaker 155 And then it made sense because if you have too much, it can make you quite lightheaded and like a bit confused, apparently. And then that is kind of the state that I live in.

Speaker 155 And so I think it is too much water. And I've tried to cut it down.
And I've cut out squash because that was part of the problem, I I think.

Speaker 115 So I can't have squash.

Speaker 1 Okay, immediately in this episode, because we've done so many of these episodes now. Yeah.
And I know James so well now.

Speaker 1 I felt James come in at a lower energy than he normally does because he knows that you're absolutely going to handle the rest of this episode.

Speaker 25 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 161 You're going to bring so much to it.

Speaker 105 It's fine.

Speaker 1 Every 10 seconds, there's something insane coming out your mouth.

Speaker 46 Basically, I'm not going to pay attention.

Speaker 95 Every now and again, I'm going to tune in and just repeat the last one they said.

Speaker 96 Because

Speaker 27 you've got squash.

Speaker 71 Sorry, how much?

Speaker 72 How much water were you drinking?

Speaker 75 Are you drinking?

Speaker 90 That means that you're getting lightheaded and confused.

Speaker 155 It's less now, but there was so much I had to go to the doctor's because

Speaker 158 I was peeing too much and I thought I had the problem. And then they were like, you just have to control when you pee and you have to try and build it up.

Speaker 115 You can go longer between peeves.

Speaker 134 He gave me a schedule.

Speaker 163 He gave you a schedule.

Speaker 112 Yes.

Speaker 124 Yes, I have to try.

Speaker 38 And like, I have, even if I think, oh, I should pee, I have to be like, no, no, no, it's not time yet.

Speaker 157 And then I have to try.

Speaker 30 Save it all up.

Speaker 155 Delay it rather than keep going because then your bladder thinks you mean to keep going.

Speaker 71 Uh-huh. How old were you when this happened?

Speaker 114 It was like three years.

Speaker 28 So what was it for your

Speaker 155 problem? I was genuinely worried. Well, they said, keep it like, so start with once an hour and then

Speaker 155 build it up from there and then try and go like every two hours, you know, and then ideally you want to be going less than that throughout a day.

Speaker 46 So how much if you don't mind me asking, how much were you paying?

Speaker 155 So it was it was more like a nervous thing. It was like if I had to leave the house then like three times in 10 minutes,

Speaker 67 which doesn't

Speaker 155 make sense at all because I've just been, but then I was like, oh, I should go.

Speaker 155 And so then it was becoming multiple times.

Speaker 113 And I was like, maybe I've got a problem.

Speaker 155 Then he was like, you've given yourself the problem.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 86 And you've got to try and cut back.

Speaker 155 So I've had to cut back water and pee-ing.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 57 But now you're keeping all the peeing.

Speaker 60 There's more of a chance you'll drown in your own body.

Speaker 142 My God.

Speaker 139 You're drowning your own.

Speaker 71 Your pee will fill up your body.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you're going that often, there's no chance you're going to drown in your own body, right?

Speaker 118 Yeah, if you're getting rid of it all.

Speaker 60 But now you're filling up more because

Speaker 166 you're rolling the dice.

Speaker 30 But you're drinking less.

Speaker 155 I'm drinking much considerably less.

Speaker 72 So, how much water are you drinking now, though?

Speaker 166 You've not answered that.

Speaker 157 Look, I've barely touched this.

Speaker 125 That glass in front of me.

Speaker 155 But I did drink some drink on the way here. Yeah.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 63 So you're still not letting us know exactly how much water you're drinking a day.

Speaker 109 You're keeping that quiet.

Speaker 69 It's hard to be. Fairly reluctant to answer.

Speaker 155 Yeah, it's a few, probably like a few litres of water and then like some soft drinks and then like some coffee and some tea and maybe a wine.

Speaker 155 And it adds up, you know, throughout the day.

Speaker 109 Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Speaker 155 yeah yeah yeah yeah but it used to be worse it was much worse it was like seven pints of squash a day and that's just squash

Speaker 155 what was your go-to squash flavor um like the orange and but i quite like the orange not no actually not the orange one the peach one that was one i liked i didn't really like orange so the peach one but then i'd have to cut it down because i was like i'm drinking so much so i'd have like half the amount so it was like very weak but then i think i was just addicted to squash i think you just get used to the taste you're looking at me like i'm crazy but i feel like no no, I'm just enjoying it.

Speaker 1 I'm letting it wash over me.

Speaker 155 You know, when you drink too much squash,

Speaker 165 do I know when I drink too much squash?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 155 Do you have squash?

Speaker 27 Yeah, we've got it in the house now. Yeah, my girlfriend.

Speaker 155 You can just have it there and you don't.

Speaker 142 I'm not really into it. I don't have to catch it, right?

Speaker 57 But my girlfriend loves it.

Speaker 77 Yeah.

Speaker 155 How much does she have?

Speaker 167 Like a pint a day.

Speaker 168 Wow. She can really keep it under

Speaker 27 control, yeah.

Speaker 58 She went to the doctor, gave her a schedule.

Speaker 27 Okay, great, great.

Speaker 86 She got it down.

Speaker 169 We don't have squash in the house.

Speaker 1 I used to be a big squash guy when I was a kid. I used to love squash, but I would be like, that's pretty much how I took my water.

Speaker 66 And now, straight water. Straight water, yeah.

Speaker 140 I'll glug.

Speaker 46 I'll be like, I've not drunk water in a while, down to the sixth. Down a pint.

Speaker 51 Yeah. But then I go to the toilet a regular amount.

Speaker 168 Okay.

Speaker 155 How many times do you go?

Speaker 1 I probably go more than average, I'd say.

Speaker 127 But, you know, I've probably been for two since I've been in the building.

Speaker 1 So that's two in a half an hour.

Speaker 170 Oh, you've got to what really?

Speaker 130 I reckon I could go.

Speaker 35 I could, if I wanted to, I could go again now.

Speaker 156 Oh, yeah, you go now.

Speaker 155 Yeah, just wait a minute.

Speaker 125 James?

Speaker 72 I couldn't go now, but famously, I, you know, I rarely get through a whole episode without desperately needing a pee and having to ask to stop.

Speaker 46 And then Ben Benito's like,

Speaker 6 he hates it.

Speaker 60 So, like, you know, with me, I either absolutely not even remotely need a wee.

Speaker 28 Very dry.

Speaker 57 Or I urgently have to piss now.

Speaker 118 I'm going to piss myself off.

Speaker 77 And that's my two settings.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 39 So my two settings are absolutely fine.

Speaker 58 And then suddenly, suddenly, oh, shit.

Speaker 44 Oh, no, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 But if you listen to Harriet's doctor, that's probably good.

Speaker 155 No, actually, that sounds bad, actually, because, yeah, that's not an anxiety thing. Or maybe you're not connected with your body.

Speaker 92 You're not listening to your body.

Speaker 1 Maybe your bladder isn't connected to you in any way. It's just floating around in there.

Speaker 105 Little set-foot guy.

Speaker 168 Yeah, got a little loose bladder.

Speaker 118 Yeah, probably. Probably got a little LLB.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 66 I imagine.

Speaker 76 I mean, definitely something's wrong with me.

Speaker 39 I often think, like, you know, you're 38 now, and this is hitting you with the bag.

Speaker 63 Imagine when you're an old man.

Speaker 77 I'm scared.

Speaker 1 Just going to have to get a bag, I think.

Speaker 172 Yeah, I think I'm going to have a bag.

Speaker 155 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 165 And I have to be very open and proud of it as a celeb.

Speaker 138 I'm going to have to be very open about that.

Speaker 165 You know, with the public and normalise having a bag.

Speaker 72 You are.

Speaker 1 You'd be an ambassador.

Speaker 46 Nice, good.

Speaker 61 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 78 So I'm going to have...

Speaker 57 go on all the talk shows about it or do the press tours go on this morning go on this morning talk to them about oh don't my mom sparkling I can't believe at least I'm a fan of the podcast.

Speaker 136 I do.

Speaker 103 I can't believe how many people don't say sparkling water.

Speaker 8 A lot of people, more than half, I'd say.

Speaker 27 It's a big division.

Speaker 46 Don't they like fun?

Speaker 115 What is what?

Speaker 124 Why would you? It's fizzy.

Speaker 103 It's it's joy, it gives you a little dopamine hit. That's what I want from my food and my anything I consume.
I want to get the dopamine hit from it. But I'm not getting that from a glass of water.

Speaker 103 I'll drink a glass of still water if I'm really thirsty and I just need to gulp it down.

Speaker 103 But obviously, sparkling water. celebratory celebratory I have a glass of sparkling water by my bed well that's crazy

Speaker 103 I think part of it is I've got like I have problems my ears so I wear sort of hearing aids and things but anything sort of internal in my I can hear because it you don't hear it through your ears you know you hear it sort of through the bones in your skull and stuff so I can hear fizzy water

Speaker 103 and that's really exciting it's like oh that's a really loud lovely and it feels like it's sort of okay soothing my ears.

Speaker 121 So you're worried that if you were drinking still water at night, you wouldn't be able to know if you were drinking it or not.

Speaker 46 It could be anything I'm drinking.

Speaker 157 Yeah, it could be anything because I can't hear it.

Speaker 149 Yeah, yeah, I like to be able to hear my drinks.

Speaker 115 Is that not normal?

Speaker 41 Okay, a multi-sensory experience drinking the spark and water.

Speaker 65 We've not had that before.

Speaker 103 I think fizzy drinks are a bit like what's that stuff? Popping candy, you know. It's a bit like that, that sort of when you can hear it in your brain and you go, oh, this is mad, this is amazing.

Speaker 22 Do you have a pot of that next to your bed as well?

Speaker 27 Always.

Speaker 46 Yeah, I still click my teeth with it, actually.

Speaker 65 What is the best food

Speaker 103 to hear oh that's a good one well obviously anything crunchy is quite good to hear i mean popping candy i've already said that's i can remember so clearly the first time i had it it was on the front of a copy of the beano they gave you a oh yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 103 in the what they did there's space dust as well space dust yeah or you used to get highland toffee sometimes on the front of the beano remember there was um that little packet of space dust and i remember going to the park with my friend and i opened it and i put it in my mouth and then i i think i thought i was having a seizure I started crying I was like something's terribly wrong

Speaker 103 always been a hypochondriac and I just had my friend had to be like oh no no no it's supposed to do that and I was like oh it's in my head

Speaker 157 make it stop and then when I realized that I wasn't dying yeah okay again this is good

Speaker 174 I want more now I'm gonna get the meano again

Speaker 44 warheads did you have warheads at that age the super sour lemon warheads the sweets that were like there's a challenge on the packet for like how long you could last without spitting it out oh like jawbreaker sort of yeah they were like this really like the most sour thing i've ever had in my life

Speaker 103 and um yeah we used to try and like properly like do the challenge of how long you could keep it in your mouth for and then they released hot ones like it was just like yeah super like i mean they were horrible yeah seen those um you know the jelly belly bean thing like the really good flavors but you can get the ones i can't remember what they're called i bought them for my godson once where it's like a russian roulette one and some of them taste of like dirty socks or vomit or

Speaker 103 you're supposed to yeah they're pretty great i've never understood that no why would you want to if you're buying yourself sweets yeah why would you want to make sure that some of them taste of vomit or no but it's quite nice to do that to children oh yeah yeah that that you know buy them for children for christmas the thing they love the most sweets and then

Speaker 64 they've got to learn yeah that's i i could understand that yeah and also they get really excited about it like especially because of harry potter and stuff and like the birdie botts beans so like my nephews if i said to them like yeah some of these taste like you know piss and shit they would they would be really excited about it

Speaker 108 until they got one that tasted like yeah yeah i thought you were excited i don't know if i'd notice because i don't know what tastes like come on you know what it smells like yeah but i don't know what it tastes like i know you ed i know you know what it smells like

Speaker 103 i do know what it smells like why is it if you know what it smells like you know what it tastes like but then why does i've never understood this why does shampoo smell so nice but taste so horrible oh yeah like why does it taste like it smells yeah and why does it smell chemically but it tastes chemically how do they do that so you're saying shit might taste nice Might taste like shampoo.

Speaker 29 Yeah. Yeah, it might taste delicious.

Speaker 143 Yeah.

Speaker 35 Shit might taste like shampoo smells.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 71 Like a tongue twister.

Speaker 8 Shit might taste like shampoo smells. Yeah, I've already can't do it.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 176 Well, this has to be still, because sparkling water makes me burp.

Speaker 82 Mike, yeah, like,

Speaker 176 well, actually, I was thinking, because this is, um, this is the restaurant, the genie restaurant. So burps could be a lot more fun here.
Yeah.

Speaker 176 In which case, I would go for sparkling water, because if burps were sort of rainbows and tasted of, oh, yeah, anything you could think of, then that would be worth it.

Speaker 105 What would you like the burp to taste of?

Speaker 97 Oh, gosh.

Speaker 124 I've got a 13-year-old daughter, and she's got a vodka thing at the moment.

Speaker 126 I don't know why.

Speaker 157 Right. She doesn't actually drink it.

Speaker 116 She doesn't actually drink it, but she's got an obsession.

Speaker 176 Midji I turn 18, I'm going for the vodka.

Speaker 131 She wants to have vodka.

Speaker 69 She really wants vodka.

Speaker 176 I don't think vodka is that nice on it.

Speaker 46 No, it's not. But

Speaker 1 that's such a 13-year-old thing to think, I think.

Speaker 22 I know.

Speaker 153 When I was younger than that, actually, I had to write a story at school about hunting for treasure and um I was maybe I know about this six or seven

Speaker 1 and I uh

Speaker 51 I wrote a whole story where I was digging for treasure and I kept finding what I thought was a treasure but it was empty gin bottles and empty vodka bottles and I handed it in and I told my mum about it she was like they're gonna think I'm an alcoholic

Speaker 8 They just think you're finding all these empty spirit bottles in the house every day.

Speaker 85 Mom, I've got another one.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you know what sparks the interest in the vodka?

Speaker 160 No, not really.

Speaker 124 I think that's high percentage proof as far as I can tell.

Speaker 30 She's a scientist. What can I say?

Speaker 141 She's already following your footsteps.

Speaker 2 Maybe she heard our Dan Atroid episode and really wants the crystal skull.

Speaker 33 Maybe.

Speaker 46 Crystal Head.

Speaker 105 Yeah, I'll get that right, James. You said it enough.

Speaker 14 Holy shit.

Speaker 65 Can't believe I got it wrong.

Speaker 2 Crystal head vodka. Yeah.

Speaker 118 It's delicious on its own, by the way.

Speaker 29 Yeah, it is, actually.

Speaker 114 No additives. Yeah.
Is that what we've got here?

Speaker 73 Yeah, that's what you've got. That's what you've got there, Glass, before you make your daughter jealous.

Speaker 6 Give you a tumbler full of crystal crystal head vodka.

Speaker 44 Leave her to her dairy. dairy.

Speaker 8 You should just sit vodka in front of her and go, Look what I can have.

Speaker 27 Yeah, only when you're 18,

Speaker 90 unless you rebel against me and do it tomorrow.

Speaker 124 Don't do that.

Speaker 45 You want to have special burps in the dream?

Speaker 2 They taste like vodka.

Speaker 116 Yeah, vodka. Well, actually, anything.

Speaker 71 I do like Amaretto.

Speaker 80 Yeah. Because that's quite sweet.
I think.

Speaker 176 And Cointro, again, quite sweet.

Speaker 82 Yeah. The boozy burps.

Speaker 121 Boozy burps.

Speaker 82 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 9 Obviously, in Charlie in the Chocolate Factory, they do burps that give them weightlessness, essentially, like zero gravity burps.

Speaker 103 Yes, yes, now that would be fun.

Speaker 117 Yeah, because I if I if I drink enough, I could reach for the stars, yeah, you could end up in that.

Speaker 58 So, as a woman of science, how long do you think it would take you to burp yourself into outer space as a woman of science?

Speaker 176 Yes, well, as a woman of science, I've given this lots of thoughts.

Speaker 176 The thing is, um, if I want to count myself as an astronaut, I need to go 100 kilometers above sea level.

Speaker 176 there's a sort of an imaginary sort of a sphere around the earth and that is then then you're an astronaut yeah and so i'd have to do that so it has to be at least that and but that would be fun so so a hundred kilometers up and let's say goodness me how much am i going to move with each burp 10 centimeters well it depends on the strength of the burp so

Speaker 75 it's about 10 centimeters a burp i think yeah yeah so yeah oh you want me to do the calculation yeah yeah yeah how long would it take you to burp yourself to the point where you're officially an astronaut

Speaker 77 and how much would you fizzy pop would you have to drink to get up there?

Speaker 176 And also, when I got up there, I'd you'd want to wear a spacesuit because otherwise you can't breathe.

Speaker 109 Yeah, then you can't breathe.

Speaker 27 Yeah, so that's you won't want to.

Speaker 105 But then you wonder how the burps are helping because they're trapped inside a spacesuit.

Speaker 117 Yeah, because if you do that. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 101 That's it.

Speaker 176 And then if you're, but can you breathe off burps? It's getting very complicated here.

Speaker 27 Yeah, but yeah.

Speaker 158 But these are things we should consider.

Speaker 31 Do you just want still water?

Speaker 157 No, you've said that.

Speaker 124 Yeah, stick with the still.

Speaker 58 That's fair enough if you just want still.

Speaker 124 You look disappointed.

Speaker 6 Well, well i wanted you to have the uh the the the one that burps yourself into space

Speaker 109 fulfilling my dream yeah i mean if they said to you dr maggie we can send you to this other galaxy but you have to burp yourself there and that's the only way we can do it yeah would you do it and it will take 20 years but literally 20 not blink of an eye 20 years okay yeah but you don't you're like it'll be 20 years of burping yourself in over to the other planet

Speaker 27 that sounds horrible yeah but this is you get there eventually though you'll be the the first one to meet aliens.

Speaker 14 Well, you can burp yourself back as well.

Speaker 30 That is helpful.

Speaker 176 Yeah, it's not just your own fly-by, it's what you can come back.

Speaker 46 Would you do it?

Speaker 160 No.

Speaker 27 You would say no.

Speaker 95 So your dream's not worth that.

Speaker 157 See, I'm trying to work out if it would be better if I was farting.

Speaker 80 But just because you see, you can't.

Speaker 82 Well, here's your burp.

Speaker 27 Okay, here's your option.

Speaker 120 You can burp and it'll take 20 years.

Speaker 69 Or you can fart and it will take 10 years, but it'll stink.

Speaker 124 Well, you know, in the vacuum of space, who's gonna oh unless no one knows

Speaker 46 can you smell farts in space well so as a woman of science as a woman of science can you smell farts in space

Speaker 112 so if a

Speaker 114 so if

Speaker 123 just won't work

Speaker 176 so space is vacuum yeah so if you fart um the gas would be there and if someone passed through it and could sniff without sort of you know freezing and sort of you know

Speaker 176 suffocating yes you could so you could smell it yes but your senses sensors in your nose might sort of freeze.

Speaker 84 Right.

Speaker 176 But it'd be just easier to fart in your spacesuit.

Speaker 117 So you would smell it. You fought in your spacesuit.
I'd seen it up.

Speaker 41 You would smell it in your suit.

Speaker 82 Oh, yes, yes.

Speaker 117 Oh, yes.

Speaker 82 Yeah, you smell it in the suit.

Speaker 126 Yes.

Speaker 114 It's good to know.

Speaker 84 Blackly considering these, these often not pondered things.

Speaker 163 Yeah, well, get ready for more of that because I've got loads of questions.

Speaker 77 Still of sparkling water, Judy.

Speaker 84 Oh, sparkling.

Speaker 182 Yeah.

Speaker 181 I am a sparkling girl.

Speaker 27 I don't even know.

Speaker 181 It doesn't sound right. Sparkling?

Speaker 52 Yeah. Sparkling.

Speaker 44 Well, how do you think it should be?

Speaker 181 Sparkling.

Speaker 61 What are your options here?

Speaker 8 Can you say it doesn't sound right?

Speaker 114 Sparkle.

Speaker 181 Sparkling.

Speaker 2 Oh, are you saying sparkling or sparkling?

Speaker 29 Is that what you're talking about?

Speaker 46 I'm trying to figure out what it is.

Speaker 114 Sparkling, sparkle, sparkle.

Speaker 29 I think I just say sparkling.

Speaker 27 Let Judy cook.

Speaker 181 For some reason, when I said it, just said it didn't.

Speaker 159 Sparkling water.

Speaker 183 Yeah.

Speaker 181 Sparkling?

Speaker 67 No.

Speaker 14 Wait, hold on.

Speaker 52 Why all of a sudden does the sun win?

Speaker 184 Sparkling? Yeah.

Speaker 141 Sparkle? Yeah.

Speaker 141 Help me out here, brother.

Speaker 28 Sparkling. Sparkling.

Speaker 112 Is it sparkling?

Speaker 85 Which one are you saying?

Speaker 85 Sparkling water?

Speaker 140 Yeah, sparkling water.

Speaker 181 Now back yourself, bitch. What do you mean?

Speaker 68 Stop. What's wrong with you?

Speaker 66 Underestimate yourself.

Speaker 28 It's sparkling water, man. Chuck.

Speaker 182 Sparkling. Yeah, let's go with that.

Speaker 71 You said sparkling.

Speaker 22 Yes. Yeah.
Yeah. I think either one's fine.

Speaker 46 Which one?

Speaker 115 I thought you were saying two different.

Speaker 140 I think I was.

Speaker 181 It just sounded weird when I first said it. And now I'm going to spit to sparkling water.

Speaker 166 Sparkling water.

Speaker 156 How would you say it?

Speaker 46 Sparkling.

Speaker 181 Is that not what I said?

Speaker 65 I think I'll go sparkling and you're going sparkling.

Speaker 181 Oh, sparkling.

Speaker 65 I'm sorry, sparkling water.

Speaker 32 Sparkling.

Speaker 156 It sounds like a sci-fi movie for some reason.

Speaker 76 Sparkling. Sparkling.

Speaker 157 Sparkling.

Speaker 120 Yeah. It's like a character in Star Trek.

Speaker 181 Exactly.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 30 Sparkling. Where is the destination?

Speaker 184 Where was the destination?

Speaker 74 The most Star Trek thing you could think of.

Speaker 185 Yeah, because they're always flying somewhere. That's true.

Speaker 85 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 181 They're always looking through that big glass that we're all trying to put in our back doors in our gardens now, aren't we?

Speaker 82 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 181 They're always trying to fly somewhere.

Speaker 80 so sparkling where are we heading to i don't know captain see it works yeah that's good yeah that's good yeah well they rarely say i don't know to be fair

Speaker 90 where are we heading to they usually have they don't go i don't i don't

Speaker 52 shall we move on to the water course now yes certainly what we have in james well last time ed and i had for our water course uh i i had causten press uh which is a rhubarb soft drink and ed had a pint of guinness yeah so going by that precedent we don't have to choose water for this yeah we just choose whatever is our current water.

Speaker 76 Back then, Courst and Press was my water.

Speaker 60 That was your agua.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 58 And nowadays, it's a lime and sea salt kombucha made by a company called you and I.

Speaker 75 And I drink it all the time.

Speaker 69 I absolutely love it.

Speaker 29 I'm obsessed with it.

Speaker 57 And that's my current water.

Speaker 2 So that's what I want in the jug.

Speaker 163 If there was woke in a podcast,

Speaker 33 we're there.

Speaker 8 This is Rylan's face when you said kombucha was an absolute.

Speaker 186 Do you know, I didn't know what kombucha was until about two months ago

Speaker 187 when someone went, oh, yeah, I'm going to have a kombucha.

Speaker 163 And the first thing that came to my head was bukkaki.

Speaker 41 And I don't know why, because it just sounds similar.

Speaker 19 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 27 And I'm like, well, you do, you, darling.

Speaker 186 Have a lovely night, you know?

Speaker 57 She's like, yeah, I'm going to have a kombucha.

Speaker 46 I was like, great, I'll get involved.

Speaker 186 And then I realised it was like some alive drink.

Speaker 74 Yes. So how would you describe a kombucha?

Speaker 2 Which I guess is kind of what a bukkaki is.

Speaker 27 Yeah, it's just true.

Speaker 118 Yes, that's very true, actually yeah it really is love the fact your mum's here yeah my mum my mum's literally listening in the next room don't google that who's bukkaki yeah don't look into that

Speaker 39 um so i i think i know what kombucha is now but for those that don't know what it is could you please describe it in the most simplest way tea

Speaker 65 mushroom mushroom tea

Speaker 2 it's a lie but it doesn't taste of mushroom is it mushroom doesn't taste of mushrooms

Speaker 186 oh don't tell me that doesn't taste of it i don't eat mushrooms and i did drink that it doesn't taste of mushrooms no of course it fucking did

Speaker 40 it's mushrooms like fermented mushroom tea oh oh

Speaker 76 my willie's just got in

Speaker 39 i don't trust them you know i don't trust mushrooms

Speaker 76 yeah you got it why would you have it why would you have it i got you had it you go under your feet

Speaker 44 you love it i didn't like it no no you didn't like it well you feel it swimming about

Speaker 53 no you couldn't oh i couldn't you couldn't feel it swimming about i felt it's not it's not like it's not like drinking sea monkeys they're not swimming around that's what i'd have for my pair of teeth i think sea monkeys

Speaker 186 But with the mermaid dome cove.

Speaker 39 Yeah, yeah. That's the best one.

Speaker 44 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 57 You're never able to afford that.

Speaker 105 That was over a ten of you splashing out.

Speaker 35 So kombucha, this lime and salt.

Speaker 58 Lime and sea salt kombucha.

Speaker 81 It's

Speaker 71 I've been drinking kombuchas for a while now, and I've got gradually less and less sweet.

Speaker 69 When I start drinking kombuchas, I like the really, really sweet ones.

Speaker 75 And now I'm just getting less and less.

Speaker 71 And now I like the one that's got sea salt in it and the lime.

Speaker 60 And there's only one shop I can get it in.

Speaker 57 And i'm the only one who buys it i i go in i'll get loads of them and just buy them out of it how much are they probably about four quid a bottle these ones i mean i'm i'm like right they'd rub your eyes if you yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 58 i'm aware i'm getting fleeced but i should say two of the episodes we're doing all right now yeah

Speaker 72 so i can afford the podcast yeah yeah so uh and that that's my current you know causten press i haven't got a song about the lime and sea salt kombucha which i used to

Speaker 50 uh yeah so the company's called you and i So you'll never pay for them again, so well done.

Speaker 63 Oh, yeah, yeah, you and I, kombucha.

Speaker 26 Uh, you and I, when I die, bury me with kombucha.

Speaker 40 But that happens in the Courston Press song as well, is being buried with it, right?

Speaker 44 Yeah, yeah, I don't, I think that's copyright.

Speaker 39 Oh, but I wrote both of them, yeah, but you can't release the same song twice.

Speaker 60 Rednecks did, remember them?

Speaker 76 The Cotton I Joe and then Pop and I know that's the same song twice, and they did pretty well.

Speaker 77 I'd rather some new lyrics, if possible.

Speaker 75 Otherwise, I'm not going to get you a kombucha.

Speaker 71 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Claudia didn't withhold things based on things he had to do.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 27 This is what this is. I'm not going to be audio energy.

Speaker 73 Ooh, that'll suture.

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 26 It's not Bukhaki.

Speaker 76 My name's James A. Khaki.

Speaker 131 Yes, that's the song I was after.

Speaker 71 See, you push them, you get the results.

Speaker 73 Absolutely.

Speaker 33 Whoa, that was some sparkling conversation, Buckets Raffle.

Speaker 1 Next, let's hear some food tips and tricks that you yourselves can try at home. Who's going to be taking us through these, James?

Speaker 5 Oh, some wonderful recipes from Yotam Atolengi, Nick Frost, and Kathy Burke.

Speaker 71 Have you always had a good instinct for what

Speaker 120 because I always think I might have some sauces or some things left over from other dishes I've had.

Speaker 72 And then I get a real bright idea that I'm going to put it with the thing I've just made.

Speaker 48 And because I don't have very good instincts there's pretty much always a bad combination and I have a good instinct tell us about a few of them yeah I'm gonna need I'm gonna need an example of this well I just so what's a good example of stuff a lot of the time it's um if I get a takeaway

Speaker 72 and I might like serve myself up whatever from the from the pot and I'll leave a lot of the sauce in there maybe from the if I got all the chunks of chicken and some sauce there but then I've left behind the curry sauce and then the next day I'm like oh I've got this, you know, this other thing I'm making.

Speaker 72 I'm going to chuck that curry sauce in the bolognese.

Speaker 189 Let's see what that's like.

Speaker 48 Real bad.

Speaker 190 Yeah, I think enough sin, right?

Speaker 41 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I think what I don't think that's in the book, I'm fairly sure, having had a very quick look, very excited to cook from it, but it's not, you're not cooking a curry and then going, strain the sauce out and pour it all over your pudding or whatever.

Speaker 153 It's not. Which is maybe

Speaker 60 actually, that's very important.

Speaker 178 I was immediately drawn to the blooming leeks.

Speaker 71 The blooming leeks, yeah.

Speaker 40 I love blooming onion.

Speaker 1 Every time I go to the States, I'll have a blooming onion.

Speaker 48 But blooming onion.

Speaker 190 And the blooming onion just technically, Nor was working on it for a while and it just didn't work. And then I said to her, well, why don't you do the leeks?

Speaker 171 They ended up looking like octopus, you know, like they're spread out like that.

Speaker 190 And then with a batter, you fry them and they taste absolutely delicious.

Speaker 190 No, I mean, so I guess the sauces or the takeouts are some things that, so we kind of spent quite a lot of time thinking what goes with what.

Speaker 190 So we go like, there's this, I'm actually looking through the book, so there's these sections at the beginning, like with eggs, you've got French chili sauce, hot sauce,

Speaker 105 cortado, and

Speaker 190 you know, colby butter, ducca, and all those things. So there's a whole list of condiments that you can put on your egg.

Speaker 190 So essentially, once you've cooked the dish and you've got that, that little jar on the side, you can. go to those opening pages and decide what you want to use it for.

Speaker 1 It's such a clever concept that I've not seen before.

Speaker 25 I I think it's like, and it's rare to find a cookbook that's like a new, an actual new concept.

Speaker 190 I think we didn't really have a concept in a sense that we were looking for a long time to tell the story of the Ottolengi Test Kitchen, which we love being, spending time in, and all the dynamics of what's going on and the skills that we're developing.

Speaker 190 And then the pandemic hit and we realized, actually,

Speaker 190 that's the solution because all of a sudden it was about, you know, the first test kitchen book was called Shelf Love and it was about using up ingredients that you happen to have in your cupboards, you know, barley and chickpeas and polenta and all that stuff that just sits there and you never touch it till you go and buy yourself a fillet of cod or something.

Speaker 66 And

Speaker 190 this book is all about the condiments, how do you can create huge flavors for cooking that, as I said, save you from cooking from scratch every single day, which is kind of a nightmare, isn't it?

Speaker 68 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Three times a day.

Speaker 105 But that with that ingredient thing as well, like it's whenever I'll be like, I'm going to cook something and then it might be polenta in the dish or a spice that I don't have, and be like, Right, I'm gonna go and do a big shop and buy all of these things.

Speaker 25 And now I just know, I'm just like, Right, I'm gonna use that, I'm gonna put that up there, never using that again, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 46 So,

Speaker 8 bye-bye, forever.

Speaker 46 See you in the back of a car, move house, yeah, and then weirdly, I'm gonna make the decision to take you with me again,

Speaker 171 even though it's expired already, like three months ago.

Speaker 107 I mean, like, it's there's no reason to.

Speaker 58 I need a recipe that involves a lot of uh soy sauce, yeah, uh, because like every time I get get a takeaway sushi, which I do quite a bit actually, there's not a box you can tick on delivery room that says, please don't send it to me.

Speaker 46 Please don't say

Speaker 105 another pot of sushi.

Speaker 190 First of all, I think you should bring it up with delivery room because I do agree there's too much soy sauce sometimes with all this.

Speaker 190 Like every sushi delivery gets like, and you do get stuck with quite a lot.

Speaker 51 Well, also, but I worry.

Speaker 1 that that's because I order so much sushi. They assume there's maybe 10 to 12 people there and you're having like a sushi party.
Because they also send like eight pairs of chopsticks.

Speaker 48 And you're like, no, that was for me, unfortunately.

Speaker 72 The shoe med runs a sushi restaurant

Speaker 190 i run a i run a sushi restaurant that makes terror no profit whatsoever because i just order it from another sushi restaurant so i think there's actually a solution to your all your little sushis all your little soy sauce bottles and that is that you can almost throw it into almost anything that needs long any stew or any even if you make like a pasta sauce a meaty pasta sauce like a ragu style you put some soy sauce in that you get all that umami and you go you didn't throw it away and i think it's really it's a really kind kind of it's so basic you know like people use sometimes they use stock cubes right to get all this kind of msg flavor umami soy does the same yeah then you just throw it in there and you'll you'll get the flavor great oh amazing well that's what i'll do there you go i'll do that for myself yeah yeah this is great i've got much good studio

Speaker 72 before we move on i think because it's your own recipe The listeners would love to hear your cheese leek gratin just step by step.

Speaker 77 Oh, okay. So

Speaker 187 like depending on how many people nice see i used to do like ring like slices of leek but i didn't like the way it looked so what i've done is i've turned them and i'm cutting them on the slant so you're getting big kind of you know fillets of leek yeah so you know let's say four big leeks loads of butter fried down not for long i mean they're still bright green salt and pepper leave it to one side then in a little saucepan flour uh butter milk so we're making a roux a bechamel bechamel, salt and pepper, and then just tons of great cheese.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 187 I've done like two or three different cheeses, but I kind of just like really strong, some kind of cave-aged cheddar with those little crispy,

Speaker 41 little crunchy crystals in.

Speaker 187 And then just pop it on top. I've got like a really nice terracotta clay Spanish dish that I always use, and it's starting to age really nicely.
That goes on top, and then parmesan on top of that.

Speaker 187 And then usually it's about 45 minutes in a hot oven so and it finished i kind of always because my ovens i bought a oven i had a oven that was in the house when i bought it and it broke down so then i just i didn't i just bought a quick oven and i'm getting to grips with it but it's not great at all you know i kind of i follow a company i don't I think they're American, but they're called Heston and they do ovens.

Speaker 187 It's just like, wow, this is amazing.

Speaker 8 You know, you just look at pictures of the ovens.

Speaker 187 yeah the ovens are just so powerful they're amazing but there's i had a kitchen built in a house that i bought and then it costs so much money and they like it's a company that make kitchens in restaurants came and built a restaurant kitchen in my house my dream i had an extractor fan which you could like release a piece of a4 paper like a meter from it it would just drift up into the fan wow it was amazing and i've always yearned for that again i had to sell the house like literally three weeks after I'd finished it

Speaker 187 And I couldn't move the kitchen out so it just had to stay there Annoyingly and I see the guy sometimes who bought the house.

Speaker 22 He's like the kitchen's still in the good

Speaker 44 I will have

Speaker 100 Very simple pan-fried sea bass.

Speaker 100 I pan-fry it skinned down in a little bit of chili oil.

Speaker 121 Oh, nice.

Speaker 100 So you that's when you like that crispy skin. It's a little bit chili-fried.
And I have that with Calf's Calf's Continental Potatoes.

Speaker 100 And what they are is one day I had a couple of Charlotte potatoes left in the fridge, a red onion and a couple of tomatoes.

Speaker 46 And I thought, what am I going to do with this?

Speaker 100 So I topped them all up, deseeded the tomatoes, mixed them up in some lovely garlic oil, put them in the oven.

Speaker 8 Amazing.

Speaker 22 Amazing.

Speaker 100 So that's now a regular at mine, Calf's Continental Potatoes, which is just basically spud, onion, tomato.

Speaker 1 I like that you're not committing to a particular country of where it's from. It's just continental.

Speaker 100 I mean, I called them continental.

Speaker 115 I really don't know why.

Speaker 100 I think just to make them sound a bit special, they're just potato, onion and toms.

Speaker 193 What's the ratios?

Speaker 72 What do you mean?

Speaker 139 Between the potatoes, the onions and the toms.

Speaker 105 Are you just like a third each or is they're mainly potatoes?

Speaker 100 Mainly potatoes.

Speaker 100 And the Charlotte ones ones are the best. And you cut them in nice slices.

Speaker 100 You get them going first.

Speaker 100 And then you slice up your tomatoes and your onions.

Speaker 100 And after the potatoes have had a nice 20 minutes, first little twisty spinny,

Speaker 100 then bung in the tomatoes and onions. It's great.

Speaker 56 And you could just forget about them for about another half hour.

Speaker 100 And it's lovely. So I have those.
with some pan-fried sea bass but they're not my side no no

Speaker 8 no they go with the sea bass, yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

Speaker 72 But your garlic oil there in with the continental potato, yeah,

Speaker 139 and are you putting salt pepper in there?

Speaker 100 Oh, yeah, absolutely. And if I haven't got any garlic oil, I'll put in a couple of cloves of garlic, that makes it continental.

Speaker 105 Yeah, even more continental, yeah, and like I love like you know, chunks of like roasted garlic, yeah,

Speaker 149 yeah, that that's great.

Speaker 97 Oh, what a treat that is!

Speaker 183 Yeah, or when you roast a whole garlic and then you squeeze those little juicy butts out

Speaker 1 that's lovely really nice and a slice of cranks homemill bread well we could even if you've got some garlic in there we you could save some bread from the bread course and then mop and start and start mopping and spreading and doing all that amazing yeah how long have you been doing cash continental potatoes for

Speaker 100 I think probably it's probably about 10 years.

Speaker 145 That's good.

Speaker 100 Yeah, because I think it was 10 years ago that it was what do I do with my leftovers?

Speaker 100 And then it was like, oh my God, I've just come up with this amazing dish.

Speaker 139 You know, people are going to be making this now.

Speaker 44 Yeah. You need to get a lot of...

Speaker 139 Are you on social media?

Speaker 100 Of course.

Speaker 72 Well, you'll be getting some photos.

Speaker 100 Well, that's all right.

Speaker 100 It's better than when I first joined social media and I was getting photos of people's shit.

Speaker 178 You need to join my neighbour's WhatsApp group.

Speaker 45 Why were people sending you pictures of shit?

Speaker 122 You know, just dirty,

Speaker 100 troubled people.

Speaker 51 I don't know.

Speaker 100 It was a real shock.

Speaker 46 Yeah, when I first joined Twitter,

Speaker 123 hold on, there wasn't anything that you were doing.

Speaker 67 Yeah, I thought there was some

Speaker 31 internet trend or something, but it was just troubled people.

Speaker 60 It's Jenny and Keith Show or something.

Speaker 71 You've not done any of that.

Speaker 100 No, I just joined and yeah, just, I don't know. So I learned how to use the block button quite quick.

Speaker 122 Yeah, if only they'd learned how to use the block button.

Speaker 107 If only.

Speaker 189 Sorry. How many people were doing this? Was it one person?

Speaker 123 No, I think I got about three.

Speaker 100 It's extraordinary, innit?

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 100 People's lives, man.

Speaker 65 Well,

Speaker 139 now you're going to get Cath's Continental Potatoes.

Speaker 1 Well, Mumma, I'm going to cook up all those things, James, especially Cath's Continental Potatoes, which people absolutely lost their minds for when this episode came.

Speaker 58 I hope that people at home have been cooking them as well.

Speaker 39 Send them to Benito all forms of social media.

Speaker 76 He loves it.

Speaker 1 I wonder though if any of our listeners have been cooking up these particular food inventions because they're a little bit less accessible I would say.

Speaker 1 Let's hear from Angela Barnes and the absolute disgusting pig Nick Mohamed.

Speaker 103 I'm not a cook. I love food, but I hate cooking.

Speaker 99 I hate it to my bones.

Speaker 103 Luckily, I live with a man who loves cooking.

Speaker 103 But I hate it. So left to my own devices, my husband goes away.
I'm eating salad cream sandwiches for a week. That's what I'm doing.

Speaker 103 It's just, we'll eat bread because it takes no time and I don't have to think about it.

Speaker 48 Salad cream sandwiches, Angela.

Speaker 82 I can't, I can't get it.

Speaker 82 That's pretty bad.

Speaker 27 I was a little bit puke over.

Speaker 103 I love salad cream. Do you know what one of my favourite? It almost made it into my list, but I didn't in the end because I couldn't work it to go with everything else.

Speaker 103 One of my favourite comfort foods is a bowl of bird's eye peas mixed with salad cream.

Speaker 96 Holy

Speaker 115 crap.

Speaker 194 I would not cast that as a comfort food because that would not comfort me at all.

Speaker 48 No. Have you tried that?

Speaker 41 Nightmares.

Speaker 8 No, but I know all of those ingredients and I can, I know, well, all of those ingredients.

Speaker 1 I know peas and I know salad cream and I've eaten from a bowl before.

Speaker 132 But I don't think I would enjoy that, though.

Speaker 103 That's because you're posh.

Speaker 115 See, if you.

Speaker 22 Don't you bring class into this. James, what do you think it sounds like?

Speaker 71 I think it sounds revolting. Yes.

Speaker 22 Are you not a salad cream fan?

Speaker 178 No.

Speaker 163 Well, I quite like.

Speaker 46 Can you accuse James of being posh?

Speaker 46 Absolutely.

Speaker 134 But he is posher than me.

Speaker 160 I mean, in the

Speaker 103 there's a gradient here and I'm at the bottom.

Speaker 1 So this salad cream sandwich you're having when your husband goes away.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 35 Are you literally just talking about...

Speaker 103 When I was a student, right, I did not eat well as a student because I just, I never, I wasn't one of these people who go, oh yeah, these are the recipes my mum taught me.

Speaker 103 My mum worked full-time when I was growing up. We had Finnis Krispie pancakes or chicken nuggets.

Speaker 103 There was no standing at her knee in the kitchen watching her cook. It just didn't happen.
So I went to university with no cooking skills at all.

Speaker 103 And, you know, you just we just had like a little one of those um baby belling cookers with two rings on and that was it you know so i just had a loaf of bread and some salad cream in the fridge and some butter and i would just add white bread like yeah you know obviously the cheapest tesco value white bread yeah and i'd go oh i better eat something if i'm going out drinking and i'd have a couple of slices of that and i wouldn't even i'd just put the butter on squeeze the salad cream on and then just fold it and eat it that would be oh so not even not two slices not even two slices and slice slice it nicely.

Speaker 103 No, would you spread the salad cream or just squeeze it on? No, I just squeeze it on and sort of rub it around a bit.

Speaker 22 Yeah, that does the spreading for you, doesn't it?

Speaker 195 Otherwise, you've got washing up. Yeah, you're using it up.

Speaker 22 I don't believe in washing up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 That's a good point.

Speaker 45 Now, as a student, I completely understand that.

Speaker 121 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're saying you still eat those.

Speaker 103 Yes, I'm 46.

Speaker 28 I still.

Speaker 103 It always has to be sad. And my husband's really good.
If he notices the salad cream's getting low, he will go, oh, but you want salad cream. It's getting low.
Has to be salad cream in the fridge.

Speaker 103 And salad cream's kept in the fridge. Ketchup, no.
Salad cream, yes.

Speaker 115 okay you're right because it's just nice or cold yeah yeah and uh yeah i will often just sometimes i'm so lazy i just can't like putting butter on the bread feels like cooking so i just get the bread and squeeze the sad cream well to be honest actually the butter in there threw me a little bit because i was like i would just think it would be salad cream and bread and actually i think i'd rather have if i had to eat one of them I'd go for the just salad cream and bread.

Speaker 75 I don't think I'd have the butter.

Speaker 8 I'd have the butter for sure.

Speaker 103 It's nicer with the butter.

Speaker 46 Well, I'll believe the experts.

Speaker 103 More sort of luxurious and rich.

Speaker 65 I love salad cream. Right.

Speaker 40 But just salad cream in a sandwich, you're not attempting to put a bit of cheese in.

Speaker 1 You can buy pre-sliced cheese if that's what you're worried about.

Speaker 103 No, just it just takes away from the salad cream. I love the maybe it's that same thing as fizzy water.
It gives you that little hit. I can't hear salad cream.

Speaker 103 I feel like I know what it sounds like.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 95 So what do the peas do with the salad cream?

Speaker 118 How's that work?

Speaker 109 I love peas.

Speaker 103 Peas are the best vegetable in the world. No preparation.
They're just in the freezer.

Speaker 103 And they're the only thing, they're the only frozen vegetable that doesn't make them horrible.

Speaker 157 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 103 It doesn't, I don't. I've had fresh peas, and I don't think they're better than frozen peas.

Speaker 82 Oh, really?

Speaker 103 Whereas most vegetables, the frozen version is obviously horrible compared to the fresh version.

Speaker 14 But peas, I don't think.

Speaker 132 It's really easy.

Speaker 103 Just hot water.

Speaker 8 Okay, so you are heating them up.

Speaker 136 I am heating them up.

Speaker 46 For a second there, because you were like straight out of the freezer.

Speaker 44 Here we go. Straight into the salad cream.

Speaker 103 That's why, I mean, I need a bit more time if I'm going to have peas and salad cream. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 157 Bread and salad cream when I'm in a rush, but I've got stuff to do.

Speaker 103 And then peas and salad cream if I'm feeling like I've got a bit of time.

Speaker 157 I can.

Speaker 103 So the problem is, as well, I think about food a lot, but I don't think about, because I hate cooking.

Speaker 103 I don't think about preparing food myself until I'm already hungry.

Speaker 80 Yeah.

Speaker 103 Or until it's time to eat.

Speaker 103 And so it's all about speed, which is why I eat out too much or I get takeaways too much because I'm not good at, you know, I'm definitely not someone who goes, right, on a Sunday, I'm going to sit down and plan my meals for the week.

Speaker 103 It just doesn't happen.

Speaker 93 Sure.

Speaker 12 Yeah, that's tricky.

Speaker 53 Well, and if you did do that, you'd just write peas and peas and salad cream.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah, it would all be salad cream.

Speaker 115 My Hello Fresh delivery is just a box of bread.

Speaker 50 You'll be like in the shining when they find out what he's been writing.

Speaker 6 The same thing over and over again.

Speaker 60 Before we move on, I would like to know what your ratios are of concentrate to water when you make yourself a squash because you're such a connoisseur.

Speaker 95 Oh, I like it weak.

Speaker 101 Like, I do like it weak.

Speaker 196 I'm not a monster.

Speaker 196 I kind of feel, because I feel like you can, I mean, if it's too strong, because I'll often have like do a pint of it. And now we've got the ice thing.

Speaker 196 I mean, I will, you know, be generous on the ice. Yeah.
I guess what? If it's a pint glass, like possibly maximum two centimeters of squash.

Speaker 79 And then the rest will feel like a lot.

Speaker 46 No, I think it.

Speaker 120 That doesn't feel weak to me.

Speaker 66 That feels like a...

Speaker 22 No, well, for a pint. It's a money centimeter.

Speaker 84 Is it? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 196 It does. And it just depends also what frame of mind.

Speaker 196 Like, if I, if I feel like, oh, I do, I do, I should be drinking water, I will make it really weak because I sort of feel, oh, I should, I should gain more water than the actual squash.

Speaker 196 But if you're celebrating yeah if I'm celebrating I'll sometimes pop it in lemonade

Speaker 196 and my friend Lee used to call that summer cocktail

Speaker 82 He did when we were growing up I used to put grapes in it as well like

Speaker 196 in the summer cocktail pop a grape in a summer well if you pop a grape in in in any any fizzy drink but it will float up and then float down float do you know this goes up and down so it'll sink to the bottom then all the

Speaker 196 you know the bubbles will cling onto it and then it comes to the top the bubbles pop and it goes back to the bottom do you know so you never know if the grapes are which exactly exactly should have yeah they should have gotten onto that yeah yeah so you can do that and that is that's that's an official summer cocktail lemonade uh orange squash grape one grape one grape don't slice it and i once had it in a lemonade and like friends of my mum and dad around and they thought it was like a martini with an olive in it but i was only about 12.

Speaker 46 in a dressing gown

Speaker 84 do you want dips of these poppadoms yeah i'll have dips i'll have all of them.

Speaker 8 You eat so many poppadoms, we should call you Mr. Poppy.

Speaker 28 Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 63 Mr. Poppy Dom.

Speaker 196 Becca claimed that one of friends of hers came up with phrase, just poppadum down there.

Speaker 46 And I was like, no, I mean, I think it was Ron Adams.

Speaker 132 I think it was Rowan Atkinson.

Speaker 46 If not, maybe somebody else.

Speaker 80 Come on.

Speaker 22 Oh, yeah. Oh, God, Jason.

Speaker 185 All right, yeah. Come on.
I don't even know who the fuck Becca is.

Speaker 6 I'm guessing it's your wife.

Speaker 196 It's my wife, and she's absolutely brilliant.

Speaker 135 She is just phenomenal. Anyway, what are we saying?

Speaker 196 Poppadom's dips. I would have the Raita.

Speaker 8 I'd have the...

Speaker 196 I quite like all the onion-y stuff. If you get a takeaway, I love opening like the cellophane bags, the salad.

Speaker 65 I love all of that.

Speaker 196 It's sort of the only time I would probably have salad is with a curry.

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 48 And that's mainly onion, really, isn't it?

Speaker 31 It's all, it's 100%.

Speaker 1 I feel like calling it salad is a stress.

Speaker 132 It's onion.

Speaker 196 There's usually a bit of lettuce in there and I won't really have that. And there's like half a tomato, usually, if you're lucky.

Speaker 164 Wouldn't ever put put some salad in a summer cocktail which would float up and down?

Speaker 196 No, no, not a summer cocktail.

Speaker 132 No, it's very much a sweet thing. I wasn't going to say everything.

Speaker 135 A summer cocktail. I do love them.

Speaker 132 You can't just do it.

Speaker 157 Just try it.

Speaker 22 It'll be delicious. Yeah.

Speaker 196 It's just sort of nicer than Fanta.

Speaker 132 I mean, that, yeah.

Speaker 28 Wow.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 76 That's a big claim. Yeah.

Speaker 99 Yeah.

Speaker 196 But you can obviously, and but the thing is, literally, the world's your oyster because it can be any, choose any of those Robinson's flavours. It's a different summer cocktail.

Speaker 8 I mean, you say the world's your oyster.

Speaker 51 You are limited to the Robinson.

Speaker 132 you're limited to the range yeah and i guess two types of grape yeah two types of lemonade um yeah

Speaker 141 people are going the clear one and the cloudy no never cloudy always clear ones you won't see you grape

Speaker 132 and the fun's ruined and then the fun's ruined because you don't know if it's gone up or down i think that's more exciting

Speaker 196 you just look at the surface you're just yeah timing it and what's nice at the very end you finish your summer cocktail usually there's a little bit of ice left and the grape at the bottom so you wait for the ice to dissolve and then you have the grape at the very end like you would I guess a martini is that right you'd have the olive at the end of the martini

Speaker 8 at the start well

Speaker 132 if there's like three how long you're making it last I'd have a sip I'd have an olive yeah maybe have a couple more sips then another olive and I'd have one olive at the end oh okay because you want the salt but the fun thing that you can do with the grape at the end is that or you can convince yourself that it has absorbed some of the lemonade so you can convince yourself that the the grape is fizzy but you know that's not true but you know it's not true it's just psychosomatic yeah yeah yeah, yeah.

Speaker 178 Because it's all fizzy, fizzy, fizzy.

Speaker 64 So then when you eat it,

Speaker 14 do you genuinely genuinely check your brain?

Speaker 132 You need to kind of burn.

Speaker 84 It's kind of like, oh, I've had a really sort of a big grape, like a grape that's full of gas.

Speaker 130 Big fizzy grape, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, there we go. Thanks, Nick.

Speaker 22 That was horrid.

Speaker 29 That was horrid.

Speaker 42 You know what else is horrid?

Speaker 5 Whenever people rub my bake-off appearance in my face on my own podcast.

Speaker 1 It is the shame that will never die, James.

Speaker 45 Let's hear from from carol vorderman

Speaker 198 i really hate cooking i had to do it from the age of 10 i had to do tea as we call it every night you know my dad would come in at quarter to six and the tea had to be on the table in the days when we all had sliced bread and butter you know

Speaker 198 chopped up and if it was past you do it like a triangle rather you know and but you had to slice it i was so good at cutting bread and butter and um like laced doilies you know you could hold it up so i cooked all those years and then i when the kids were older i just thought i bloody hate cooking yeah i really don't like it i did win star baker apron though did you finally yeah i can cook can cook don't want to cook that's me you bring up bad memories for james you had oh wow wow the worst celebrity bake-off appearance of all time did you did you come last well they don't make that official but it was

Speaker 173 yeah it was implied well you could tell no it was really bad what's a showstopper wow i made books you'd park out of my ranges yeah i mean they were all showstoppers in a way, as in they should have stopped the show.

Speaker 198 Was it that bad, James?

Speaker 125 It was pretty bad.

Speaker 198 Was it?

Speaker 27 Mine was wonderful.

Speaker 41 And mine was fine. So

Speaker 5 we've got the full gamut here.

Speaker 87 I should have worn it, shouldn't I?

Speaker 198 I should have worn my star back.

Speaker 183 Yeah, that would have been amazing.

Speaker 198 Could I tell you about my showstopper?

Speaker 138 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on, go on.

Speaker 65 Let me hear about it.

Speaker 8 Mine was wonderful.

Speaker 198 My showstopper, it was all about your favourite bit of leisure time,

Speaker 198 relaxing time.

Speaker 198 So, of course, everyone goes, oh, bath, you know, know have a glass of champagne in the bath i thought that is what i would do but i wanted to think of something different about proper leisure time so i made a cake like the size of a bath not big bath but so that was the cake rather than the little one and then i put fondant icing all the way through like a roll top bath

Speaker 198 and all of that and then the champagne everyone else is boring goes oh well i bought this like you know icing that's done in a champagne oh no so i got got Rob Rinder to strip a Ken and a Barbie.

Speaker 198 I put Ken and Barbie in the bath and then you had to pour a bottle of champagne into the bath and drink it out of straws before you're allowed to eat the cake.

Speaker 79 That's good.

Speaker 199 See?

Speaker 76 Was Rob Rinder on the show with the other?

Speaker 118 I should have asked her.

Speaker 133 It sounded like I didn't just

Speaker 67 have him.

Speaker 10 Well, we needed to get Rob Rinder to strip a Ken and Barbie because he's the guy who does that for me.

Speaker 90 He's the guy who'll strip a Ken and a Barbie.

Speaker 44 And to be fair,

Speaker 57 that would make sense.

Speaker 27 sense i've met rock rind i'm sure he would happily strip a kenneda barbecue

Speaker 198 before me and then and then what you had to do and then you had to drink the champagne because it's like a party go yeah drink the champagne and everyone's involved out your straws and then you chop the cake and by that time the champagne has kind of gone through the fondant icing taken like a lot of the sugar through and it's not a dry cake it's quite moist wow did you come up with that yourself yeah that's pretty i mean that deserves star baking that does.

Speaker 50 I mean

Speaker 119 I was nowhere near any of that if I'm honest.

Speaker 13 I'll be completely honest.

Speaker 29 That's made me so angry.

Speaker 9 I want to beat somebody up.

Speaker 55 And you know who deserves it more than anyone else? Oh, no.

Speaker 9 Stephen Graham, baby.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that's the one person that you can't beat up.

Speaker 1 Let's hear from Azuka Hoyle.

Speaker 39 How many takes do you do of it?

Speaker 102 Of the film,

Speaker 102 we did

Speaker 102 four. We did two on the first day, two on the second day, and the film that you're watching is the first of the second day.

Speaker 79 Take three.

Speaker 129 Wow.

Speaker 75 Did anyone mess up at any point and then it had start again?

Speaker 86 No.

Speaker 71 Wow.

Speaker 102 And a lot of our dialogue is improvised by the actors. So we were just in the zone, bro.

Speaker 192 I would be so in my own head.

Speaker 160 Would you?

Speaker 90 Oh, if it came to me, it's like, right, you've got to go now.

Speaker 75 And like, every time it comes to you,

Speaker 55 are you not thinking, oh, here we go.

Speaker 75 I got it. I've got to get this.

Speaker 182 If I fucking say this for him,

Speaker 102 the thing is, is that because you've got the leeway of improvisation, you don't, there's nothing to get right. There's beats you have to hit, right?

Speaker 102 So there's certain, you need to, you've got a certain amount of time to hit certain stuff and then make sure that if you're in charge of motivating the camera to move to the next bit, then you've done that.

Speaker 102 But in terms of the exchange that happens with the other character, I was having a whale of a time. When the camera would come over, I was like, here we fucking go.

Speaker 92 I'll tell you what, I'd get in my head.

Speaker 1 I'd suddenly be like, and I wouldn't want to do this, but in my head, I'd be going, oh, God, I'm going to try and introduce a new story element here.

Speaker 51 And then the camera pan around and go, I saw a ghost the other day.

Speaker 27 So you saw a ghost in the kitchen.

Speaker 46 I saw a ghost.

Speaker 36 I saw a ghost in the kitchen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 116 That's really good.

Speaker 131 See what anyone else had to do.

Speaker 116 We've rehearsed, we've practiced, we've got some kind of thing.

Speaker 195 And then you just take us completely off fucking course and go, saw a ghost

Speaker 82 in the pantry.

Speaker 195 I need you to know if someone can help.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 41 And see what they do.

Speaker 29 Meanwhile, stephen graham's just stood looking at you like he's gonna rip your head off yeah yeah yeah well that's that's his resting face right

Speaker 185 oh he's a he he's like a giant puppy as well though yeah uh oh oh here we go go on

Speaker 73 i actually said

Speaker 13 sure he is like a little puppy dog so he shouldn't run his mouth off on tv shows

Speaker 124 Has he ever like made a statement

Speaker 148 to counter your challenge?

Speaker 51 No, because he's a busy man who doesn't need to be bothering himself with stupid little bits of

Speaker 27 Jonathan Ross leaf he he fired shots at rummish that's that's all of us and i'm i'm i'm disappointing you ed for not not calling him out oh look i i'm not calling him out but i'm very happy for you to call him out because i want to see what happens you know what's going to happen yeah you're going to get your head you're going to get absolutely fucking pummeled

Speaker 46 as if as if man

Speaker 184 that would never happen

Speaker 116 have you seen him recently

Speaker 39 has he seen has he seen himself has he seen me has he seen himself how's that a comeback himself yeah he looked at himself and went yeah

Speaker 35 even without him here you panic there has he said

Speaker 46 has he seen himself has he seen himself has he seen himself because he made me think again

Speaker 44 i don't want to see what would happen i tell you what we wouldn't even need uh one take man me beating him up and we do that in half a take yeah game over end of film is it a film that you're getting beaten up in now yeah yeah yeah i'm the hero It's a global all-you-can-eat.

Speaker 168 It's a global all-you-can-eat buffet made by people from the country that you would like the cuisine. All your mates mates are there.

Speaker 102 It's just a stunning experience.

Speaker 180 You can bring your dog if you want.

Speaker 185 As the final point.

Speaker 27 Yeah, it's really important that it's animal.

Speaker 93 Case this doesn't swing it for you.

Speaker 130 You can bring your dog. You can bring your dog.

Speaker 102 I actually got like emotional thinking about this in the car.

Speaker 105 Here's the thing.

Speaker 39 If it is end of the world, though, I would worry that the families who are cooking it are going to be affected by that.

Speaker 90 What do you mean? They know that they're all about to die.

Speaker 120 It's the end of the world.

Speaker 102 Okay, so maybe he's about to be snubbed out i don't know if i want someone making me food who has nothing matters in their head yes so what if it's almost like a vr experience in the sense that my current time this is happening their current time they're in my position do you know what i mean so it's not like the end of the world somebody is like giving you server because also i'd feel bad about going into people's homes to have food that they've cooked for me when really they should be spending their last moments on earth with their family exactly yeah so they're in a different time they're in a different time, but they're present.

Speaker 64 But they're present. Yeah.

Speaker 57 You're in like Edward Norton's house in Glass Onion?

Speaker 101 Yeah, kind of, but not as bougie.

Speaker 125 Okay.

Speaker 102 Do you know what I mean? Let's just keep it a bit chill.

Speaker 66 It's a massive conservatory.

Speaker 102 Massive conservatory, but just not too bougie. Move as a few.

Speaker 44 So actually, I'm confused, actually.

Speaker 2 So it's all glass, but you're going through the Hobbit doors, which are in the glass.

Speaker 195 Yeah, they just kind of appear.

Speaker 60 So you go through that, but then you're in like a non-glass.

Speaker 102 It brings you into a totally different.

Speaker 27 There's a magic

Speaker 48 portal.

Speaker 102 Yeah, there's magic involved in this i think that's really important to note yeah okay well that sounds great i'd be really worried during this meal would you yeah because there's a comic coming and i'm in a conservatory okay i think that's the last place i want to be you don't want to see it well no i don't want the glass to shatter and i don't i don't want to know i'm definitely going to die with loads of glass in my face how would you how would you want to spend your final moment realistically i guess just under the duvet Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 123 With anyone? With any, yeah, along with that.

Speaker 9 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Can't have anyone see me like that.

Speaker 123 Fucking out. Under the Diva.

Speaker 8 Well, that's realistic, though.

Speaker 14 You know?

Speaker 164 You won't be under the DFA having a panic attack. Yes.

Speaker 125 Okay.

Speaker 65 But I certainly wouldn't want to be near glass.

Speaker 176 Yeah, but I just feel like it would happen so fast, you wouldn't really feel the glass in you.

Speaker 126 It would just, one minute you're alive, next minute you're alive.

Speaker 92 All right, you've sold it to me then.

Speaker 145 I wouldn't feel the glass in me.

Speaker 102 How would you want to spend it?

Speaker 60 Beating up Stephen Graham.

Speaker 2 I'll probably hold Stephen Graham over my head, aim him at the comet, and go,

Speaker 14 age before beauty Graham

Speaker 105 and then let him get hit by the comet first or throw him into the comet.

Speaker 75 Yeah, I throw him into the comet shatter the comet like Armageddon save the world

Speaker 46 That's what that's what would happen

Speaker 60 So I'll probably do that and then go through one of the hobbit doors and hide in case he survived it

Speaker 57 She agreed I would win I don't think you'll remember.

Speaker 1 You've not heard the episode back yet. So,

Speaker 40 you're going to be cleaning your house.

Speaker 1 You're going to be scrubbing cat pea off your porch at the moment. Yeah.

Speaker 44 Four, four types of cat pea.

Speaker 1 And you're going to be gutted because you're wrong.

Speaker 94 No, well, James, listening in the future, skip that bit.

Speaker 1 Maybe you should have a drink and try and calm down. Because in 2023, we drank during records for the first time.

Speaker 47 Did it go well?

Speaker 123 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Let's hear a bit of the Paul Feig episode and the Kyle Smith Bino episode.

Speaker 182 I mean, we should mention

Speaker 1 we are in the presence of the Martini equipment here as well.

Speaker 131 You brought it with you. So

Speaker 46 I feel like we should.

Speaker 73 Would you like me to make you our binary? I feel like it would be.

Speaker 74 It would be a shame not to.

Speaker 202 I just hope. Benito, this might be just a lot of noise.

Speaker 46 This is great, though.

Speaker 51 We can use it as like, get a wild track of that and use it as the stings in between the bits.

Speaker 49 Exactly.

Speaker 202 Now, normally I would not use my hands to put the ice in here, but they are clean.

Speaker 202 So just know my friend Alessandro Palazzi, who's the head bartender at Duke's, when I would do my show on Instagram, he would send me texts and say, like, stop using your hands.

Speaker 41 Use a spoon.

Speaker 40 I completely trust you, Paul. I'd say, in fact, and I mean this, you're our cleanest looking guest we've ever had.

Speaker 49 Yeah,

Speaker 71 by some distance.

Speaker 29 Did I meet Stanley Toochie?

Speaker 41 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 185 Actually, the Tooch looked pretty good.

Speaker 49 Yeah, the Tooch is a good friend of mine.

Speaker 132 Yeah, the Tooch is a clean looking man.

Speaker 8 Also smelled wonderful.

Speaker 6 Sauce smelt good. Yeah.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 202 I've eaten it at his house many times, and the food is everything you think it would be.

Speaker 1 I'm sure.

Speaker 46 And 10 times more.

Speaker 27 I'm sure. Although

Speaker 202 his wife, Felicity, makes the gnocchi, and it's unbelievable.

Speaker 27 It's lighter than air.

Speaker 202 I mean, like little pillows of

Speaker 32 delicious.

Speaker 51 What do we got to do to get an invite to the tutorial?

Speaker 164 We've got to go back to that Atlanta hotel.

Speaker 10 James bumped into him in a hotel in Atlanta.

Speaker 82 Oh, really?

Speaker 44 After we'd done the podcast.

Speaker 29 He remembered me.

Speaker 118 After being reminded.

Speaker 6 So, you know.

Speaker 22 So, we've got, is that the vermouth that's just gone in?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is the vermouth.

Speaker 202 It's a dry vermouth.

Speaker 105 I like Dolan personally.

Speaker 48 I have no investment in it whatsoever.

Speaker 202 But, but I basically, it's just a few drops. So, you just want just enough.

Speaker 145 You know how, like, when you have a single malt scotch and you put in like a drop of water just to open it up?

Speaker 151 Yeah.

Speaker 105 That's kind of what, that's how I look at the vermouth in a martini bean.

Speaker 65 Because some people use a spray, right, as well. Have you seen that before?

Speaker 65 You just spray it over or just

Speaker 41 rinse the glass with it as well?

Speaker 74 That's what they do at Duke. That's what I saw.

Speaker 151 He puts it in that on a show.

Speaker 202 Yeah, pours it in, spins it, and then throws it on the the carpet.

Speaker 48 Yes.

Speaker 46 So there you go.

Speaker 202 I don't encourage that for anybody else.

Speaker 118 Your wife immediately. No!

Speaker 185 And we just have our cream.

Speaker 67 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 16 Alessandro.

Speaker 202 And now, just a ton of gin. This is my own gin, too, that I make.

Speaker 27 And what's the name of your gin?

Speaker 202 My gin is called Artingstalls, Brilliant London Dry Gin.

Speaker 1 Amazing. And what a beautiful bottle.

Speaker 121 Thank you.

Speaker 202 What a lot of designing this.

Speaker 44 Very nice.

Speaker 202 I'm literally just selling stuff on your show for the last 10 minutes.

Speaker 71 Listen, Dan Atcoy did that, and he's one of people's favorite.

Speaker 28 So

Speaker 71 I don't think Dan likes me very much.

Speaker 73 Dan and I have a little history.

Speaker 16 Well,

Speaker 53 I love Dan.

Speaker 25 He's one of my favorites, but he kind of turned on me after Ghostbusters.

Speaker 27 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 69 Well, hey, we'll let him know. We'll say, Joe, what?

Speaker 62 You and Paul Piga have a lot in common.

Speaker 165 Exactly.

Speaker 84 You should pick up the phone, Dan.

Speaker 202 But I will do a much longer interview than

Speaker 118 I don't think you're.

Speaker 8 I'm not sure arting stools will be in every course that you suggest.

Speaker 73 Certainly not. Certainly not.
A crystal skull after this.

Speaker 202 So I'm just, I'm stirring endlessly because it needs to be very, very cold.

Speaker 74 This is very exciting. I'm so excited.

Speaker 44 I saw someone once making,

Speaker 44 you know,

Speaker 90 as you say, when people are making the cocktails and they do the really high pour,

Speaker 11 it can be quite theatrical and quite fun to watch, but not as fun as when I watched someone mess it up once.

Speaker 90 It was just absolutely, they did the really high figure.

Speaker 71 They just went all over the floor.

Speaker 73 And I thought, oh, no.

Speaker 6 His hand's completely wet because he's just got his entire hand that was holding the glass at the bottom.

Speaker 8 Paul's wife pops up from behind the bar.

Speaker 73 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 53 You took great joy in that face.

Speaker 118 I really loved it.

Speaker 95 I was really laughing for the cost of it.

Speaker 202 I'm going to cut my finger off while I do it, please.

Speaker 27 That would be fun.

Speaker 64 You are peeling a lemon.

Speaker 202 Peeling a lemon. There we go.
Normally I will do gigantic peels, but since I'm in the

Speaker 48 service of time, I'm going to try to make these just normal.

Speaker 123 There we go.

Speaker 202 Four martinis, one for each of us, including Great Bonito. The only thing wrong with this is I did not chill these glasses.

Speaker 22 Normally you would have been ice cold.

Speaker 48 There's a specific amount of martinis that I think is correct for an evening.

Speaker 1 How many martinis would you have on an evening?

Speaker 202 Well, here's the big question. It depends what size they are.

Speaker 202 There's a very evil thing going on in the world, especially in America.

Speaker 164 And I think it's here.

Speaker 202 I've had it here too, which is like a martini should be four ounces.

Speaker 202 They've started doing like 10-ounce martinis.

Speaker 46 Oh, my God.

Speaker 153 Which is like more than a third of a bottle of gin.

Speaker 202 So if you want to, though, and you know, you want it to be cold. So, in order to keep it cold, you kind of have to slam it down pretty fast, and then you're whacked out.

Speaker 151 I mean, you're gone.

Speaker 202 So, if it's a 10-ounce martini, you know, don't even finish it.

Speaker 202 But, normal, like a good four-ounce martini, which is kind of what I'm pouring here, that's just you know, friendly and uh gets your evening off to a good start. And you can have wine and all that.

Speaker 202 So, now I get it. It's all about getting the lemon oil.
Sorry, people at home, I'm squeezing a lemon, a lemon twist over this and get the edges. Oh, God.

Speaker 30 I'll call my wife.

Speaker 86 There we go.

Speaker 48 And then you got to get it on there. I like this.

Speaker 194 Squeezing the lemon peel, rubbing it around the rim, dropping it into the cool pool.

Speaker 123 There we go.

Speaker 46 The cool pool.

Speaker 48 The cool pool.

Speaker 1 Don't normally have to negotiate a microphone while you're

Speaker 109 cheers.

Speaker 46 Yeah, that's right, really.

Speaker 202 I blame the mic.

Speaker 30 Thank you so much.

Speaker 27 Cheers, you bet.

Speaker 65 Thank you. Cheers to you.

Speaker 122 Cheers to you.

Speaker 46 Cheers. Thank you.

Speaker 71 Cheers, Benito.

Speaker 118 Cheers, Benito.

Speaker 202 Cheers, exactly. And thank you for letting me do this on your show and having me on because I'm a massive fan.

Speaker 89 Oh, that is absolutely

Speaker 123 phenomenal. You like that?

Speaker 27 Love it. Excellent.

Speaker 142 What a lovely gin.

Speaker 27 Thank you. Yeah, thank you.
What a lovely gin.

Speaker 202 We've won a lot of awards and all, so I'm very, very proud of it.

Speaker 105 Yeah,

Speaker 76 fantastic. Now

Speaker 41 with a cool drink in front of us, exactly.

Speaker 30 James is coming across the table at me.

Speaker 16 Yeah, he made a big fight.

Speaker 202 will we have enough to get a Shrek?

Speaker 27 Oh, but we'll see. We will see if Shrek comes out after he's had a martini.

Speaker 134 Oh, donkey, I got a martini.

Speaker 202 Here's my this is my Shrek challenge you, though. Do it without saying our donkey for you.

Speaker 73 I see that you know that's the war of them. I know, exactly.

Speaker 75 Either say, oh, donkey, or my name's Shrek.

Speaker 65 This is Shrek. Yeah.

Speaker 36 Either one of them.

Speaker 1 It's when you can tell that someone's a good impressionist when they say the name of the person person they're getting the impression of before they do

Speaker 73 it

Speaker 14 your drink course now we're here we've got some whiskies um four four whiskies around i went to a bar in wansted which is no longer it's it the builders are still there but it's a pizza place now and it was a bar and it was quite a nice new bar as onestead was becoming one of those places where people are like come to Wansted, it's nice here.

Speaker 192 And I had a cherry vanilla old-fashioned.

Speaker 9 You like sweet drinks?

Speaker 41 I love sweet drinks.

Speaker 48 Yeah, I drank Disarano.

Speaker 192 I used to drink Disorano.

Speaker 46 That was my go too.

Speaker 9 And then I just discovered other things.

Speaker 125 That's a good right as well, isn't it? Disorano.

Speaker 65 Amaretto, yeah. Amaretto.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Amaretto. You tell what? It's a real shame that you

Speaker 27 fucked it up.

Speaker 22 You fucked it up so badly,

Speaker 41 slammed him when you first met him.

Speaker 46 Hopefully, hopefully.

Speaker 60 You're negging people all the time.

Speaker 32 That's how I get my jobs, man.

Speaker 192 I really hope that somewhere we'll do them again because I've never seen cherry in it old-fashioned anywhere.

Speaker 1 Is that something you would attempt to make at home, maybe?

Speaker 187 Oh, man. I get really annoyed when I have to, when I make something and it doesn't taste the way I want it to.

Speaker 32 I don't have the patience for it.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 27 I don't really like cooking for that reason.

Speaker 48 Although, I do have an air fryer.

Speaker 97 Now, I'm not going to talk too much about my air fryer because I could go on forever.

Speaker 32 People who have air fries fucking love their air fryers.

Speaker 192 I love them. I love it.

Speaker 32 I'm like, you know, like how Australians love Australia.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 137 That.

Speaker 27 I'm that, but air fryer, mate.

Speaker 152 That'd be a good jackass video.

Speaker 142 What?

Speaker 125 Dick in an air fryer.

Speaker 40 I like how you expected me to make the mental leap to it being a dick in the air fryer.

Speaker 68 Well, that's all they do.

Speaker 134 What if we say what?

Speaker 73 What?

Speaker 32 Dick in an air fryer.

Speaker 162 I'm surprised I I ever done it.

Speaker 96 Yeah.

Speaker 101 Yeah. Well, don't you have to shut the air fryer for it to work then?

Speaker 46 Completely close it. Yeah.

Speaker 101 So you'd have to jam the mechanism or shut your dick fully in the air fryer, at which point you may as well shut your dick in anything.

Speaker 2 I've never seen an air fryer, so in my head, I was imagining

Speaker 58 it's like a see-through shoebox with a hole in it.

Speaker 4 Put your dick in from the side.

Speaker 178 You know, they don't make things that have dick access.

Speaker 71 In case Jackass wouldn't use it.

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 72 you see that tweet about the vacuums in the house that people are getting no it's like a waist height vacuum where you just throw your clothes and it goes into the it go you you make a laundry chute in your house oh right through vacuum i love that and then some surgeon or doctor replied to that tweet saying accident emergency cannot deal with a waist height vacuum

Speaker 67 being installed into people's houses

Speaker 1 the jackass boys absolutely over the moon when they saw that.

Speaker 71 Pre-order.

Speaker 162 In the group chat.

Speaker 73 Is he having it on pre-order?

Speaker 46 We gotta meet up, Johnny Knoxville.

Speaker 41 We've gotta meet up. My house now.

Speaker 83 We all try and buy them now.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 95 And then we'll hopefully we'll get enough.

Speaker 71 Everyone try and buy them. Look, the air fryer didn't work.

Speaker 90 Wasn't that how we imagined it in our heads, that air fryer?

Speaker 71 So it's going to be a clear shoebox with a hole in the side for our dick.

Speaker 27 Hey, man, I just got this air fryer. Where's the dick go?

Speaker 148 their group chat is called Where Does the Dick Go?

Speaker 86 So many customer services having to respond to it.

Speaker 58 Subject headed, Where Does the Dick Go?

Speaker 77 Dear Mr.

Speaker 2 Knoxville, we're sorry that you weren't unsatisfied with our blender.

Speaker 74 I watched the new jackass

Speaker 46 on the plane when we were going on honeymoon.

Speaker 1 Charlie was like, This is the worst way to start a honeymoon I've ever seen.

Speaker 178 Like, and there were big screens on the plane as well.

Speaker 14 Just close-up dicks.

Speaker 74 Oh, like the hostess coming around, going, Would you like a drink? I'm like, Yeah, pause the car.

Speaker 27 So many dicks.

Speaker 32 I can't remember what it was that I watched on the flight to Australia, but I realized that they'd edited it, edited out all the sex stuff.

Speaker 32 And then I realized that, oh, well, then I was told that Emirates do that.

Speaker 131 Emirates just get rid of all that stuff.

Speaker 57 Did it make sense to you in the film?

Speaker 22 I was like,

Speaker 27 well,

Speaker 184 tell me first.

Speaker 184 Might be what I'm watching 50 Shades of Grey for.

Speaker 49 Yeah. Yeah, how short was that?

Speaker 95 They set banana fry, then that's it.

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 73 Gold credits.

Speaker 41 Unbox it. Plug it in.

Speaker 49 Glad to film.

Speaker 204 And we're back live during a flex alert. Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

Speaker 20 And that's the end of the third. Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

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Speaker 58 Whoa, people should call him Kyle Smith Wino.

Speaker 48 Oh, I love that.

Speaker 1 Genuinely, that's really good stuff.

Speaker 109 Yeah, it's good stuff.

Speaker 33 Ha, Ed, you know what?

Speaker 75 When I look at you every episode, you know what I see?

Speaker 39 What? A national treasure in the making.

Speaker 83 Oh.

Speaker 5 and we've had a few national treasures on this podcast or Benito's written we went digging from national treasures yeah well let's do it as Benito's he's the producer we went digging from national treasures is what he's written Dawn French Steve Coogan Russ Noble Carol Vordeman Dawn French again Steve Coogan again and Kathy Burke

Speaker 104 We always start the dream menu with still sparkling water yeah I know exactly what I'm having there yeah can you guess

Speaker 72 I think you would have still water I think sparkling I think you're right yes

Speaker 114 sorry about that.

Speaker 46 Sorry about that.

Speaker 104 But I quite enjoy the gassiness and I quite enjoy the burping that follows.

Speaker 46 You know, I quite enjoy that.

Speaker 134 And it also feels posh, doesn't it?

Speaker 80 Yeah. I know it's a rip-off.

Speaker 104 I know it's wrong. I know it's expensive.

Speaker 179 I know all of those things.

Speaker 104 But if I'm going to deny myself foie gras for all the right moral reasons, I'm going to have the sparkling water.

Speaker 170 Sorry.

Speaker 104 Are you disappointed now?

Speaker 41 No, no, he's annoyed that he guessed wrong is what's happening.

Speaker 153 Ah, okay.

Speaker 138 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, okay.

Speaker 44 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 58 I thought I was being really clever because of all the stuff you were saying earlier, difference between twats and arseholes and successful people.

Speaker 46 I am a twat. I'm saying I am a twat, so I'm allowed the sparkling water.

Speaker 109 Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 104 Because it is mainly twats that drink sparkling water, isn't it?

Speaker 2 I guess is it mainly twats or is it asshole territory?

Speaker 76 The successful territory?

Speaker 106 No, I think it's twat territory. It's just twats territory.

Speaker 82 Yeah, twat.

Speaker 104 Yeah, it's forgivable.

Speaker 109 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Would you like to jump into a puddle of it?

Speaker 52 Oh, oh,

Speaker 109 oh, Ed Gamble.

Speaker 105 I apologise.

Speaker 104 There's something

Speaker 104 I've never considered.

Speaker 134 But if you want to organise it, I'd be there.

Speaker 8 It's your dream restaurant.

Speaker 46 We've got a genie.

Speaker 104 Could it be real water or real proper puddle, not silly studio puddle

Speaker 179 where you nearly die?

Speaker 46 Yeah, where you can do the drop.

Speaker 104 No hippos, no scaffolding, just plain old fizzy water, just loads of it, gallons of it.

Speaker 65 Gallons of it straight in.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 72 Would you like as well?

Speaker 77 Yeah.

Speaker 152 Because I think this would be be good if Richard Curtis jumped into

Speaker 44 a big load of sparks and water and had to do it as many times as you've had to do it over your life.

Speaker 104 Richard Curtis was really so far behind the camera watching from a long distance.

Speaker 46 Like the coward he is.

Speaker 99 But he wrote it. Come on.

Speaker 104 With Paul Make You Arch. It was their idea.
I'd love to take the credit, but I can't.

Speaker 72 So they should be jumping into the.

Speaker 104 They should, but not with me.

Speaker 46 I want to do it on my own, thanks.

Speaker 104 And there is a joy, you know, there is a joy with

Speaker 104 little stunty moments like that. And I think there's something in me that is sort of British and also trained by my brother that if you refuse a challenge, you will be forever labeled a girl.

Speaker 104 So I'm not having that.

Speaker 106 I'm not a girl.

Speaker 82 Well, I am, but I'm not in his mind, a girl.

Speaker 104 And I will do any challenge to beat my brother. I cannot, I mean, you know, my brother's nearly 70 now.
I'm 66. If I'm sitting next to my brother, we have to have a fight, physical fight.

Speaker 104 It really does alarm his children, my children, everybody, because it's quite full-on and it is serious. It starts with Chinese burns, you know, and it moves on from there.
Yeah.

Speaker 104 It's about being in the back of the car together for years. Yeah.

Speaker 8 You still just slip into those rolls.

Speaker 104 There's just a little dig and then another one. And it should stay light-hearted, but it doesn't.
It gets quite violent.

Speaker 46 It gets out of control.

Speaker 104 And I'm prepared to bite.

Speaker 117 So just saying that to you.

Speaker 46 He's going for the knees every time.

Speaker 109 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Well, I hope you win the next one.

Speaker 46 Yeah, thank you. I will.
I've got plans.

Speaker 147 I would quite like a pea soup, but not peace soup. I don't like soups that are made when people blitz everything in a blender.
So it's all just one consistency.

Speaker 105 I like lumps of stuff.

Speaker 66 Yes.

Speaker 46 You know what I mean?

Speaker 147 And I like pea soup that's got little bits of pea still in it.

Speaker 105 Whole peas or just bits?

Speaker 147 Yeah, just like broken down peas, like it's half broken down in the greenness of the soup.

Speaker 147 And of course, white pepper. I'm a big white pepper person.
There's certain things that really bug me. Claire said, my daughter said,

Speaker 147 don't get too angry about stuff.

Speaker 66 You can get angry.

Speaker 27 Don't you know these are the same?

Speaker 147 Okay, well, basically, I'm fed up of restaurants that don't have white pepper. They've all got this grinder, the big sort of grinder with the sort of black pepper.

Speaker 147 Yeah, and black pepper is great for pasta and stuff like that. It's great.
But years ago in this country, we used to have white pepper.

Speaker 147 In every cafe, there'd be a little plastic thing of white pepper. And now you can't get a good white pepper.

Speaker 105 Oh, no, we don't have white pepper.

Speaker 48 We only have black pepper why why don't you have white pepper yeah you know on eggs black pepper's shit yeah you have to have white pepper on eggs on mashed potato on shepherd's pie yeah or on uh macaroni cheese white pepper yeah white white pepper is the only thing that will do you're mainly putting it on quite pale stuff so um i imagine the white pepper you don't know how much you've put on well you just you

Speaker 147 give it a bit of a shake it's a bit like a sort of it's like talcum powder but it's not you know

Speaker 147 but it it's people need to rediscover i think it's associated with sort of lo-fi, old-fashioned, old ladies, whatever,

Speaker 147 that people who are trendy restaurant establishments think that don't really put it out there. But I predict that there'll be a bit of a resurgence in white pepper within the next five years.

Speaker 77 Partly because of this podcast.

Speaker 46 Yeah,

Speaker 193 I think it'll probably help.

Speaker 147 So I'm a big, big white pepper person. Why did we get onto that? Pea soup.

Speaker 77 Yes,

Speaker 147 I put white pepper on the pea soup.

Speaker 77 There you go.

Speaker 147 So that was why I mentioned that.

Speaker 77 What else?

Speaker 147 Just something else that bugs me while we're on things that bug me.

Speaker 147 When it comes to, because I can't really cook, but I can do a sort of a

Speaker 153 like a

Speaker 147 breakfast.

Speaker 105 I'll do that quite well.

Speaker 39 I think of you every time I have a fried breakfast.

Speaker 130 Yeah, so do I. Okay, so

Speaker 130 partridge did that.

Speaker 147 We did that. There was a party thing about fried breakfast.
And I don't, I try to be vegetarian, but I reserve the right to not.

Speaker 147 be vegetarian when there's like an amazingly good like roast dinner in a in a proper like gastro pub that really used

Speaker 147 aged beef and it's really really yeah um so i will do that if i only if i know the provenance of where the meats come from so otherwise it's you know we've been over that it's not nice it's not nice thinking about hot and i don't like you know and also i don't want animals to be badly treated with the breakfast the partridge bit about the breakfast oh yes using the sausage as a break water yeah to keep the beans away from the egg i'm still pretty that i mean that is me i mean i don't i don't mind being i don't mind beans on sausage and i don't mind sausage and egg and i don't mind you know in in in the old days when i ate more meat you know bacon and egg um and uh and and beans and bacon but but beans just beans and egg

Speaker 147 it doesn't quite work for me so but these days i still do a black fried breakfast but i'll i'll do um i use veg good good i mean the the vet the veggie meat options now are so good you know the like the sausage in the old days meat substitutes like if you if you got a veggie sausage it was just vegetables put into a sausage shape yeah now it's um now they're they seem a lot more tasty and so uh i have those uh but i don't like people who put beans in the microwave it really makes me angry yes um not as angry as you know uh human rights violations but but pretty angry somewhere and somewhere

Speaker 147 between human rights violations and um uh a paper cut yes yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 147 um so he's got what microwave beans because they come when your microwave beans they come out hot and hard hot mini bullets yeah in sort of watery tomato sauce what you need to do is put when you're doing a breakfast you the first thing you put on is the beans

Speaker 147 and really let them break down it's almost like almost to the level of mushy peas but not quite so sort of mushy beans then they're much nicer to to put on your your breakfast so um don't anyone puts beans in the microwave it's kind of

Speaker 147 i think this i think it's i know they're probably maybe they're busy and they probably don't like me for saying that but i just think it's about quality of life at the end of the day because they even sell them in little microwavable pots, don't they?

Speaker 187 Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 147 That's just, it's just, that's just awful. Porridge, you know, people, I mean, but you can, you can microwave porridge.
It's fine. But I mean, some things, actually, I'm not anti-microwave, you know.

Speaker 147 I know some people are snobs who don't have microwaves.

Speaker 125 Ooh, ooh, they give you cancer.

Speaker 77 No, they don't.

Speaker 147 Don't give you cancer. It's bad science, bad science by people who make science up.
Yeah.

Speaker 66 Okay, anyway.

Speaker 46 So is the soup the starter?

Speaker 73 Yeah, sorry.

Speaker 30 That's what I sound quick, but yeah.

Speaker 74 It sounds very boring, but you know, I like simple things while done with good ingredients.

Speaker 182 I've got a slight obsession with genie logic.

Speaker 182 And so this might be, we might not get to the food store.

Speaker 182 I have a huge problem with Christina Aguilera

Speaker 182 because she's the, like, she claims to be the number one world's genie expert, right? And then she sings it, but she knows nothing about genies, right? In that song, right? She sings,

Speaker 182 if you want to get with me, baby there's a price to pay yeah i'm a genie in a bottle yeah gotta rub me the right way right two things first thing you don't rub the genie yeah you rub she's saying yeah exactly you rub the lamp yeah she says i'm a genie in a bottle right

Speaker 182 genies do not live in bottles right yes in i dream of genie there was a bottle in that one larry hagman kept her in a bottle but that relationship was it was sex live basically you know what what i'm saying like yeah there was something going on there that wasn't a an equal relationship he was he'd imprisoned that genie to work as his domestic slave yeah so that's genie slavery so i'm not accepting the bottle situation yeah so she claims you have to she's a genie in a bottle they live in lamps and if she is in a bottle you would rub the bottle not the genie itself yeah yeah so i'm just saying she shouldn't be singing that she knows bugger all about genie

Speaker 182 and then so i always like to check if somebody's claiming to be a genie, I need to know wispy.

Speaker 182 But you're saying that a wispy genie, is it because you've seen the pictures from Aladdin where the genie's emerging and you think that he's still a bit of an attack, like an umbilical cord almost like a genie?

Speaker 182 Almost like a genie bilical.

Speaker 1 A genie bilical. So he's attached to the lamp.
And almost if a genie detaches from the lamp, how long can they survive?

Speaker 31 Are they getting their nutrients?

Speaker 131 Are they getting their nutrients from the lamp?

Speaker 182 And you know how, like, when you like, say, a cow is giving birth, yeah, and

Speaker 182 the calf comes out first, yeah, and then, or any other mammal for that matter, and then afterwards, there's like all of the

Speaker 192 uh, what did they call it?

Speaker 93 After birth, the afterbirth, yeah, yeah, that all comes out, yeah.

Speaker 22 And what's the name of the thing?

Speaker 172 We placenta, the placenta, yes, of course, which some people eat, of course.

Speaker 182 We could double back to that later.

Speaker 73 Don't give away your starter.

Speaker 27 Um, there's dessert, oh, always a sweet placenta um

Speaker 182 is there like a sort of a genie placenta lamp shaped that if you yeah when after the three wishes are granted then a sort of wispy placenta flops out and you just see like a dead genie just with its kind of wispy bit down to thin yeah then like a sort of lamp a lamp shaped placenta sort of placenta if that was the case and i knew that was going to happen a loud and two would never have been released and i would never do my third wish I'd just do the two wishes, and I go, you know what?

Speaker 1 I don't want to see the genie placenta, so I'm going to leave it.

Speaker 147 Or you could make the third wish.

Speaker 182 I wish this isn't about to happen with the placenta.

Speaker 70 And that's the, you know, you sort of, and that's how the genie.

Speaker 40 That's freeing the genie, I guess.

Speaker 30 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 182 You say, look, you're going to be, you're just, the lamp is no longer going to be dragged.

Speaker 93 Does he just drag the lamp?

Speaker 99 Yeah, but just thinking, if he is attached to the lamp, when a genie moves, do they just like drag the lamp behind them?

Speaker 76 But that's probably, that's probably how they keep them, you know, like when they're in the cave what's it called the cave cave of wonders the cave of wonders that's the they just drill the lamp to the shelf yeah and that stops the genie it's not magic that's keeping them in there yeah yeah it's nails but yeah yeah or no more nails yeah the glue yeah yeah you know that it has the same effect is that sort of thing do people still use no more nails i think so yeah i think so yeah still going strong yeah that's good no more nails in the advert i remember there was like a chair halfway up a wall that someone had used no more nails to stick to and the guy was sitting on it talking about no more nails and i was like well that's the only thing i want to do with it now yeah i want to stick a chair halfway up a wall and be able to sit on that halfway up a wall yeah but was it was it araldite was that the you know where he stuck his he was in a jumpsuit and he stuck it to the and then he was lowered over uh sharks I really was that there was a lot of that going on.

Speaker 182 I think now, because what do they call it? They call it imitative behavior, don't they?

Speaker 182 I think like nowadays, you're not allowed to just start sticking your shoes to the ceiling and going, I'm Brian Glue.

Speaker 33 And with Brian's glue, you can put your shoes on the ceiling and hang upside down.

Speaker 182 You can do that.

Speaker 130 Yeah, because the kid's going to watch that.

Speaker 10 I'm going to stick my shoes to the ceiling like Brian Glue.

Speaker 12 Kill them to be like Brian Glue.

Speaker 92 Who wants to be?

Speaker 93 Who wants to be?

Speaker 182 But so, Wispy Genie.

Speaker 58 Yeah, yeah. I'm a Wispy Genie.

Speaker 50 I may have thank you, by the way, on behalf of all genies for, you know, sticking up for us with the Christina Aguilera song.

Speaker 75 It's good to have an ally.

Speaker 29 You know,

Speaker 182 for years, I don't like the way that she's positioned herself. She's positioned herself as the voice of genies.

Speaker 99 That's interesting you say that because at what point in the song does she say, I'm the worldwide genie expert?

Speaker 182 Well, she released it on all major platforms.

Speaker 182 She was doing a whole, like, there was a whole tour where the reason people were going is to see her gyrating around saying, I'm a genie.

Speaker 1 I'm a genie in a bottle.

Speaker 182 You've got to rub me the right way.

Speaker 182 And even if that is like a sexual thing, I also think that because genies are essentially, they're not solid. So if you try to rub a genie, your hand goes through

Speaker 30 the genie.

Speaker 182 So even that, even if she actually was a genie and had the paperwork to prove it, and then you, she, you went, I'm gonna,

Speaker 41 all right, Christina, if you're up for it, I will rub you the right way.

Speaker 30 You can't because your hand goes straight through.

Speaker 48 Well, then that's the wrong way, isn't it?

Speaker 145 Maybe there is a right way.

Speaker 182 Oh, there is a right way.

Speaker 48 I think we've run out of time for

Speaker 58 in in those like uh later countdown days i was in a lot of bands around northampton and uh when richard passed away we had a big memorial gig for him and uh

Speaker 44 yeah there was a big because a lot of the a lot of the people in the bands were you know unemployed so uh

Speaker 141 we were very big with the announcements

Speaker 133 and yeah

Speaker 62 my friends the retro spankies released a single that was a tribute to

Speaker 60 yeah to um what was the name in band the retro spankies okay that's what the band was called okay and uh

Speaker 16 love that very good stuff probably an anagram or something

Speaker 16 i don't think it needs to be that's wonderful man you can probably still find that single on spotify and whatever but oh i'll look for that oh and thank you because he was so loved yeah

Speaker 198 genuinely properly properly loved i and few people are loved that much you know because he was all in it boots and all do you know what i mean we were like when we did it it just was a dream like you know you you obviously have a very special relationship yeah um and you don't always have that do you no no no and you go oh i did a lovely show the other night with xyz and that and that was great that's good show cracking show but then you have a special thing and it is special absolutely yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 198 we chose to do this together but you were like thrown together i guess yeah we were yeah i was 21 god i can't imagine being 21 Unmarried.

Speaker 198 I've had a few since then that he said.

Speaker 198 But it was wonderful. Richard used to say, because I was married twice, and he'd go, and one of our lines was, and he was married once.
and they got divorced about a year later.

Speaker 198 And he always used to say, because he used to do the local show calendar,

Speaker 198 which like local news, you know, like London Tonight or whatever, on ITV. And he always used to say, yes.
And I wore a black tie for a year and nobody noticed

Speaker 160 he was famous for his ties

Speaker 198 you were saying you know how big it was with students which it was because it was on at like four four thirty in the afternoon after lectures and so on and it was I mean it was five million a day who used to watch countdown back then different times there weren't you know there were only four channels that was a time to go shopping

Speaker 75 did you well should go shopping all the supermarkets

Speaker 198 well it would be yeah and everyone's nana had taken like the telephone off the hook yeah yeah don't yeah don't you dare knock on the door don't you dare ring me while countdown's on you know all of that and it was just

Speaker 198 just this joy and richard with his ties so the students came in in the later years we would often have an audience of students a whole audience particularly in the evenings who were younger than the show

Speaker 198 you know we'd been going 22 years or something and they were all like 18.

Speaker 198 and then one night they came in, and everybody was in like this garish jacket and a bloody awful tie, you know.

Speaker 198 And we go, What are you doing? What are you saying? I love your ties. I go, Oh, yeah.

Speaker 198 We've all come as Richard Whiteley tonight because there'd be like just over a hundred in the audience, and they'd all like from Leeds, and Leeds met,

Speaker 88 you know.

Speaker 198 And we go, Oh, that's fantastic. And Richard came into the studio and he was so chuffed.
And I said, Well, how'd you get the outfits?

Speaker 198 Oh, we all went to our dads and said, Can you give me your worst jacket and your worst tie? And Richard was just like oh that's amazing

Speaker 198 you know we just loved it when people made an effort yeah and it was a great love that's the thing it was just like we're all in the joke together yeah to me yeah

Speaker 198 very very happy time yeah and you're a part both of you just a part of people's lives because you're on every day and every day the most regular thing that people have steady yeah and when something rude came up that awful one that begins with cu that you see on uh and ends in ps that never happened

Speaker 198 Yeah, you see that on a meme quite a lot.

Speaker 30 That never happened.

Speaker 198 But some did come up and then we'd have to keep a straight face.

Speaker 198 I mean, it was all about keeping a straight face. And then, of course, in the early days, you know, they'd go, no, cut, cut, cut.

Speaker 12 You will have to do it again.

Speaker 198 Oh, really? Yeah, but then if you'd got a six and you'd got a seven, James, then we had to sort of do it so that the scoring was a sort of yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 If I yeah, if I'd got a six six and then James got a rude seven.

Speaker 198 Yeah, but it was allowed. Yeah.
Then we had to re-record it, but give you a different seven to say.

Speaker 67 Gotcha.

Speaker 198 Does that make sense?

Speaker 13 Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah.

Speaker 198 Because we couldn't have a rude word.

Speaker 164 Is that in your perfect 10 quiz book?

Speaker 28 Is there anything else?

Speaker 27 No, it isn't.

Speaker 73 Rude word.

Speaker 88 Rude word countdown.

Speaker 87 That's not in that.

Speaker 198 No. Rude word countdown happened in the bar after.

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Speaker 104 Something about my teeth at the moment is quite alarming.

Speaker 104 COVID came along, didn't it?

Speaker 104 My husband, frontline worker, helps people who are in a pickle with drugs and alcohol and all that sort of stuff.

Speaker 156 I'll leave his card here.

Speaker 104 Because he was given two choices, either live at work with lots of people who were not distancing and whatever, because they're all in a bit of a pickle, or go home, do not touch your wife, and sleep in another room.

Speaker 104 So he chose the latter, right? So we had this very weird few months where he's in a different room at night. And I did not like this at all.

Speaker 104 So I found my comforts in returning to childhood by every night, and this is, I'm talking about after brushing my teeth, afterwards, right?

Speaker 104 Five chocolate Eclair toffees.

Speaker 104 Always five. Why? Don't know.
Can't answer you. Bit weird.

Speaker 104 Lined up then.

Speaker 123 I think, oh, come on, tonight, French.

Speaker 104 Tonight is the night you only have four.

Speaker 121 Come on, let's go four. Let's go three.

Speaker 101 Let's go two. Let's go one.
Let's go none.

Speaker 35 Let's wean yourself off.

Speaker 104 How long ago was COVID?

Speaker 46 Two years, three years?

Speaker 35 Well, 2020 was the big kickoff, wasn't it?

Speaker 11 2020.

Speaker 104 So we're now in 2023. So we'll say three whole years.

Speaker 104 How many days is is that? So 365 days within three years, 900

Speaker 179 million, million days.

Speaker 104 Five toffees every single day.

Speaker 104 You're still doing it?

Speaker 156 So my still doing it. Can't stop.

Speaker 104 He's back in the bed and I'm still doing it. And he has to wait.

Speaker 102 I say, just wait.

Speaker 106 I'm on toffee number three.

Speaker 104 I'll be with you shortly.

Speaker 104 And that's now my teeth have gone smaller.

Speaker 157 My teeth have been smallened by the sugar.

Speaker 104 Everything's gone wrong with the teeth because I'm favoring the sugar over the husband.

Speaker 179 But I'm thinking sugar or husband, sugar or husband, both.

Speaker 41 Did he know you were doing that before

Speaker 22 he could come back?

Speaker 104 I said, look, this is what's going on.

Speaker 106 You're not there.

Speaker 104 And so I'm turning to sugar for my

Speaker 114 nutrients, for my comforts.

Speaker 76 She went, okay.

Speaker 157 Well, we don't know how long COVID's going to last, but okay.

Speaker 104 And then when he was back in, I tried to sneakily do it. I don't know if you've ever tried to open a chocolate declaire sneakily.
So then what I I started to do was noisy packet, isn't it?

Speaker 30 Noisy.

Speaker 46 I actually unwrapped them earlier in the evening and put them in the drawers.

Speaker 97 And I would just move the drawer and put them in, but then the other way like this.

Speaker 106 Pretend to be scrolling or something.

Speaker 123 Yeah. But I'm really.

Speaker 104 And there is the chewy noise as well.

Speaker 25 You can't answer questions if you

Speaker 28 can't answer questions.

Speaker 106 Although I don't get asked a lot of questions at bedtime, do you?

Speaker 91 Oh,

Speaker 104 like, could you, could you leave now?

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 104 I apparently, I can't believe this because it's not ladylike, do do a bit of snoring. Yeah, apparently.
Well, everyone does.

Speaker 182 He does.

Speaker 98 But when I'm doing my snoring, this is the noise that I hear.

Speaker 104 This is how I know I'm doing snoring because he does this noise.

Speaker 44 Do you think that's all right?

Speaker 44 Yeah, I think you're a cat.

Speaker 112 In the night, yeah.

Speaker 104 Because that apparently brings me out of the sleep enough to stop the snoring. And I get very annoyed.
I go

Speaker 104 up out of the REM sleep.

Speaker 46 What the stab?

Speaker 98 And back again.

Speaker 104 And apparently, then I'm snore-free for another hour.

Speaker 123 So

Speaker 121 he's doing what he considers to be a considerate thing.

Speaker 122 He is.

Speaker 1 Because he doesn't wake you up fully.

Speaker 8 He doesn't fully wake you up.

Speaker 104 My answer is go to the other room.

Speaker 98 If you hear that, please

Speaker 72 leave. You'd love to that other room during COVID, won't you?

Speaker 35 Have you considered half having a toffee and sticking your teeth together?

Speaker 1 That might stop the snoring.

Speaker 104 Is it the teeth that makes the snoring?

Speaker 101 The noise isn't it your uvula?

Speaker 104 Sorry to use that word

Speaker 115 at the back of your throat.

Speaker 82 Is it called that?

Speaker 179 No, septums here.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 2 it's not your septum.

Speaker 76 No septums here.

Speaker 179 I think it might be that tonsilly ucular thing that's hanging down at the back.

Speaker 101 Or is that just girls, or is that just me?

Speaker 112 Wouldn't that be awful? I find out that I was the only person who had tonsils in the world

Speaker 112 and nobody else had them.

Speaker 38 I had some kind of prehistoric hanging skin thing in the back of my throat.

Speaker 156 And everybody else, well, what do you mean?

Speaker 14 What do you mean? You call it what?

Speaker 114 Tonsils.

Speaker 159 That would be so bad if you found that.

Speaker 46 You're flesh in your throat.

Speaker 112 How do you eat? It's a flap in your throat.

Speaker 126 Anyway,

Speaker 46 you're a dream drink to see.

Speaker 147 Okay, so yeah, I talked to my daughter about this. I said, what's the problem with it? I don't know what my drink.
I don't drink anymore. I used to drink a lot, maybe a bit too much, sometimes.
But

Speaker 147 if I was still drinking, it would be, and this is really the church I've made, is don't like lags. They're all right, but the best drink of all, by far, the one that I miss,

Speaker 125 because I don't drink, is bitter.

Speaker 147 And that's it. I think Alan actually might have said that.

Speaker 147 But anyway, bitter, room temperature bitter hand pumped in a from a pub not chilled so it's just at room temperature not that fizzy a bit flat yeah uh that to me is a perfect

Speaker 1 i just love the taste of that do you have a particular a particular better

Speaker 147 well the weaker the bitter the better and that's not because of not wanting to have as much alcohol it just tastes better so you get like 3.8 percent is that's a good or 3.6 or 3.8 that's a really good because it's a better and the the reason they're not that popular in public is they don't keep they don't keep as well so unless someone drinks them quite quickly they're gonna they lose the bit goes off so they're all 4.8 and five and you think oh great loads of alcohol than that it's actually not a better drink it's an inferior drink because the lower alcohol

Speaker 44 in one of the the mugs the sort of mug no i'm not i'm not i'm not a dick about it

Speaker 147 no i just like i know in a normal glass i'm not uh i'm not like a real ale uh sure but so no just uh so that would be oh uh but the thing is because i don't do that now i go through fads uh as my daughter knows where i go i get into a certain kind of thing like a kombucha you know i was buying loads of kombucha trying different kind of kombuchas that's what he goes with and um you'd love that as well kombucha yeah yeah this of sad the sourness combined with the sweets don't like things that are too sugary uh and then the cbd drinks i start getting into all those and i go to that phase and i go back to the kombucha and then i just like um you know uh i quite like those uh Duchy of Cornwall orange jiggers well

Speaker 147 okay uh it's like sort of just what jigger it's like a posh person's name for orange jigger for just orange juice which I think this might be fizzy so yeah I do like uh Prince Charles Dutch King Charles King Charles Dutch of Cornwall produce even though I am an anti-monarchist yeah it's interesting because when I buy that stuff I go

Speaker 71 I don't like having a royal family but I do like his produce

Speaker 77 and so I feel a bit tall but

Speaker 1 I think you can be anti-monarchist but also admit they've done some things right yes they're

Speaker 147 I haven't yeah I suppose it's because just because most of the people who are into it all those flag waving plastic boater people are just I think are kind of idiots because they support a power structure that keeps a foot on the throat of working class people yeah and um I just not very keen on that kind of thing but yeah yeah agreed but but having said that uh

Speaker 147 you know the queen worked very hard and uh yeah so so she's all right she was all right yeah the rest of them

Speaker 105 are problematic for me okay i guess they're also like pouring like while they've got their foot on the throat they're pouring juice in them out yeah when the foot the foot

Speaker 147 at least king charles if he if he as the head of a power structure even unwittingly and and maybe subconsciously has his foot collectively on the throats of working class people by being party to a power structure that rewards the blah blah blah you can fill in the rest yourself and while he's doing that well he's got his foot on the photos you're right he's he's uh

Speaker 153 putting orange jigger in uh mouths mouths mouths mouths

Speaker 100 welcome kathy burke to the dream restaurant we've been expecting you for some time yes here we are we actually have we actually have yeah well i did listen to um lovely richardy grant on your show quite recently and i heard you say you wanted either me or the rock yeah so i couldn't i couldn't actually get in touch with the rock himself um

Speaker 100 but i did i did bring the rock

Speaker 46 to just be part of it yeah yes but for the listener uh kathy has brought an action figure of the rocks that is good that's he's got a little black waistcoat on and no top yeah that's amazing absolutely ripped as you'd imagine and he moves look at that and i wonder if can he sit Oh, let's sit him down.

Speaker 132 Let's sit him down, yeah. Let's get him.

Speaker 41 Let's get him comfortable.

Speaker 52 What film's that?

Speaker 139 What film's the one where he wears a little black waistcoat?

Speaker 27 Was that wrestling out?

Speaker 100 Wrestling, it did have WWE.

Speaker 206 Yeah, WWE.

Speaker 130 It would have been by that point.

Speaker 46 That's yours.

Speaker 44 You can keep that.

Speaker 66 I should have got two.

Speaker 100 You'd have one each, but.

Speaker 105 We can have it in the studio.

Speaker 46 Yeah, I think that's a good thing. And then it can be in every studio.

Speaker 100 I thought James would somehow get more pleasure out of it than you, Ed.

Speaker 66 That's probably true.

Speaker 35 Is this something you bought specifically for this purpose or did you have one kicking around?

Speaker 100 No, I ordered it on a well-known delivery service and there was a ripe palava.

Speaker 144 Was there?

Speaker 100 Well, it didn't get delivered. It said we couldn't deliver and I thought it was a goner.
And I ordered it about three weeks ago.

Speaker 100 And then the other day, a neighbour from down the road said, oh, I've had this package for a few days.

Speaker 89 And it was the rock.

Speaker 89 I was like, oh, wonderful.

Speaker 1 Did you tell your neighbour what the package was?

Speaker 48 No, I'm never that familiar with neighbours.

Speaker 115 Thank you very much.

Speaker 46 You start on that cable,

Speaker 100 they'll never leave.

Speaker 65 Yeah,

Speaker 1 my neighbours are the same. They're simply addresses to have parcels delivered to and pick up at a later date.

Speaker 7 Exactly.

Speaker 75 I try and have chats of mine.

Speaker 72 Do you? Yeah, well, we're right next to each other,

Speaker 72 right in a little corner.

Speaker 100 I mean, I have to say, my neighbours are lovely.

Speaker 145 Yeah, it's very, very nice.

Speaker 100 But I've always sort of kept myself to myself. Yeah.

Speaker 201 You know.

Speaker 57 What I'm imagining, just for my own amusement, is that Kathy's neighbour is the rock.

Speaker 120 Yes. So that's why you didn't tell them what was in the package.

Speaker 1 I feel like if Kathy's neighbour was the rock, you might have been able to get something from him to bring in rather than order a...

Speaker 131 Maybe.

Speaker 100 I don't know, man.

Speaker 100 Maybe noise. He might not have liked some noise in the past and didn't want to do me any favours.

Speaker 46 I'm on a street What's up group?

Speaker 44 Oh no.

Speaker 1 Oh no.

Speaker 25 See I've really resisted for a long time.

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 121 But it is brilliant.

Speaker 41 Is it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because there's one guy down the road who always

Speaker 79 looks out the blinds just at the right time as something's happening and you're like, you're looking out those blinds all day and the other day he saw a workman who was working in one of the other houses come out of the house and um and do a shit next to one of the cars what

Speaker 107 what

Speaker 100 that's outrageous and listen to this this guy went outside and took a picture of the shit and put it on the whatsapp group oh geez well excuse me i just burped i tell you probably why you had to have a shit outside because a lot of people don't let builders or workmen use the conveniences in their their home, which I think is outrageous.

Speaker 48 It is completely outrageous.

Speaker 100 And completely unhumane, inhumane.

Speaker 100 And going to the bathroom is very, very important.

Speaker 100 So it might smell for a bit. Yeah.
And just tell them, say, look, clean it after. I don't want to be sorting out anybody's skid marks.
So just make sure you clean it. It's all you got to say.

Speaker 100 It's all I say.

Speaker 171 Yeah, yeah, it's all you say.

Speaker 1 I mean, the story went on and on, like there was more details coming through.

Speaker 25 I don't think he was very well.

Speaker 1 He was only 16 or 17. And then he had to come back and clean it up because his boss told him to clean it up.

Speaker 109 And then he was crying while he was cleaning up the poo.

Speaker 89 Oh, this is so sad.

Speaker 1 But from my perspective, reading all that on a WhatsApp group, I had the best morning of my life.

Speaker 89 Of course,

Speaker 105 of course, because, like, you know, it is funny when people cry.

Speaker 66 Yeah,

Speaker 46 it is quite funny.

Speaker 189 Especially when they're clearing up their own shit.

Speaker 73 Yeah, yeah, that's funny.

Speaker 46 That is funny. Sorry, awful.

Speaker 46 Where's me diddo?

Speaker 58 That's what you call our podcast, That's what I call your podcast.

Speaker 39 What a bunch of national treasures.

Speaker 37 It has been our national pleasures.

Speaker 1 I love digging from national treasures.

Speaker 37 I love digging from national treasures.

Speaker 13 You know what else I love?

Speaker 16 Impressions.

Speaker 12 Oh, yes.

Speaker 55 We love an impression on off-menu, don't we?

Speaker 40 We do.

Speaker 1 And you love doing a Shrek impression.

Speaker 40 We might hear a little one of those.

Speaker 55 It says here, we love an impression on off menu and then two commas.

Speaker 90 And then even if it's terrible, brackets like James's.

Speaker 8 Let's hear from Nick Frost and Helen Bauer.

Speaker 55 Or is it Michael Kane and Shrek?

Speaker 122 Well, when I read that, I thought, I don't really remember having Michael Kane on.

Speaker 71 Yeah,

Speaker 27 that's interesting, isn't it?

Speaker 163 Yeah.

Speaker 139 You got a technique for those potatoes?

Speaker 77 People always looking for the tips for the most potatoes.

Speaker 27 Yeah, just hot.

Speaker 28 Just hot, hot oil.

Speaker 73 I'd put them in hot oil.

Speaker 27 Yeah. I'd parboil them first in the oven.

Speaker 71 Use an oven.

Speaker 46 Hot oven.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 60 I mean, I'd turn it on,

Speaker 41 preheat the oven, and then a pan.

Speaker 187 I always put it into something.

Speaker 73 I don't just tip them into

Speaker 41 loose into an oven.

Speaker 41 These are all good tips.

Speaker 187 Yeah, I mean, I think annoyingly, not annoyingly, God love it. My ex-wife does an amazing roast potato.

Speaker 44 And mine are never quite as good.

Speaker 25 I think you can say that's annoying.

Speaker 71 The situation. I don't want to seem bitter.

Speaker 187 I mean, also, I need to support her in that. And so, you know, I often say to my son, we share, oh, isn't mum's potato nice?

Speaker 8 You know, as a way of, I want him to grow up thinking, dad never, he never bad mouthed mum.

Speaker 109 But if it was always just the potato if that's all he is he's just always yeah all he's got here is the potatoes

Speaker 22 and also mum's potatoes are nice aren't they aren't they

Speaker 76 for the bloody house of the potato

Speaker 46 so i yeah she has a good potato but i mean i guess always just crispy and yeah soft inside and par boiling and shaking yeah yeah through a colander through a colander because that you get a nice little um a little softness then to the outside my wife calls those michael caine's rice potatoes because he once detailed that recipe in an interview uh in a broadsheet newspaper so he's taking a lot of credit for that recipe yeah put it on him let him my favorite michael kane fact is that when he does a film at the end of the day he uh has the wide shot first and then when they push in he puts his own trousers on and then when they push in for the close-up he's got all his own clothes on so then he can and then as soon as they wrap he's all right i'm off and then he goes uh that is outstanding right well yeah i love that

Speaker 193 But him, like, just saying to the mate, costume, can you make sure my trousers just stood by so I could put them on?

Speaker 46 That's got to go.

Speaker 77 That is a good impression.

Speaker 120 Very good.

Speaker 120 That stuck up on me.

Speaker 65 I like Michael Kane.

Speaker 1 It's because also you're not doing too much. So what people do with Michael Caine impressions often is they really go for it.

Speaker 51 Right. It's a big...

Speaker 33 But you've

Speaker 49 60s.

Speaker 187 Yeah, I think now it's,

Speaker 153 I think.

Speaker 187 as people have aged, my voice has got better at doing an impression of them.

Speaker 187 And I think David Attenborough getting old has certainly helped me too, because I can do a, I spent about two or three weeks a few years ago, I just said to myself, do David Attenborough and get a good one.

Speaker 123 And I did it.

Speaker 46 And so, shall I, I'm going to. Please, please.

Speaker 200 For these young baboons, there, life is just beginning. While for others, that life is sadly in the web.

Speaker 187 And then like that was

Speaker 187 otherwise, like, I was doing it to myself, to myself, like, he's in a voiceover booth, but like he's going a bit mad.

Speaker 12 So, like, after everything,

Speaker 89 he says, ah, birds.

Speaker 76 And the guy says, hey, Dave, David, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 71 You said birds at the end. Oh, right.

Speaker 140 Okay.

Speaker 140 Ah, baboon birds.

Speaker 12 You see him losing his mind.

Speaker 187 But you hear him as well, like talking to himself, saying, I wish the earth would die.

Speaker 134 I wish all the animals would die.

Speaker 118 Dave, you know that mic, see the microphones up, right?

Speaker 163 That's a hot mic, Dave.

Speaker 46 That's a hot mic.

Speaker 207 Have you been to the Shrek adventure?

Speaker 68 No.

Speaker 207 There's like a magic bus ride that really makes me think about it. Yeah.
Like it's really similar. Like you're on this bus and it's like you're going through these different worlds and I'm like, oh.

Speaker 71 With Shrek.

Speaker 38 Yeah, with Shrek.

Speaker 7 Oh, no, Shrek's not with you. You have to.

Speaker 207 Part of the adventure is you're going to get Shrek from prison. He's in prison.

Speaker 175 Awful. Why are you looking at each other like that?

Speaker 2 I'm not looking at Ed.

Speaker 52 Why, what's happening?

Speaker 75 I've got my hand in front of Ed, so I can't see his face.

Speaker 71 Moving on to your main course.

Speaker 25 Do you know James does a brilliant impression of Shrek?

Speaker 73 No.

Speaker 1 So if there's anything you would like to hear Shrek say, then ask James and he'll magically transform into it.

Speaker 74 Yeah, obviously Augustus Starling saves some room for later, but as Shrek.

Speaker 163 Okay.

Speaker 173 Okay.

Speaker 39 The lines of my head. I've got to get into it.

Speaker 175 No, I get it.

Speaker 58 I'll vamp up to it with some other words, with some like stop Shrek phrases and then stop Shrek phrases.

Speaker 27 That's HUDS.

Speaker 41 Ogres are like an onion.

Speaker 27 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 38 Oh, my name is Shrek. Oh, donkey.
Augustus, darling. You say so rule for later.

Speaker 140 What was that? What was that?

Speaker 158 Ellen looks so disappointed.

Speaker 103 That was disappointing.

Speaker 28 No, come on. That was.

Speaker 22 Devastated.

Speaker 99 Who told you that was good?

Speaker 76 Ed says it's good. It's really good.

Speaker 8 Is it?

Speaker 41 Yeah, that's why we make him do it on every episode.

Speaker 185 I have never heard that before, and I have listened to this podcast.

Speaker 75 Maybe Maybe he gets edited to that. I don't know how Benito edited it.

Speaker 207 I'll say this, babe, it's not good.

Speaker 134 It's actually woefully bad.

Speaker 31 No, he's just warming up.

Speaker 65 So, do Augustus Sterling say it?

Speaker 175 He did it. He said it.
Oh, did he? But

Speaker 189 I said it to Augustus Gloop.

Speaker 160 I told him you'll save some room for later.

Speaker 114 He sounds like a Texan, like a Texan man.

Speaker 204 My name is Shrek.

Speaker 160 Don't care.

Speaker 107 Don't care.

Speaker 175 Have you been to the Shrek Adventure?

Speaker 41 He is the Shrek Adventure.

Speaker 22 You are

Speaker 16 come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination.

Speaker 49 My Shrek, I'm a marble.

Speaker 27 You can come imagination.

Speaker 49 More like donkey.

Speaker 184 No?

Speaker 172 Donkey, you and me.

Speaker 49 We'll not charge it in the factory.

Speaker 134 That's a good match.

Speaker 27 I am green.

Speaker 16 I am Shrek.

Speaker 71 I'm a big friendly ogre.

Speaker 46 That's lovely.

Speaker 8 That's really.

Speaker 185 That got better because I liked the song a lot. But I'm a sucker for a song.

Speaker 76 Thank you.

Speaker 149 Thank you.

Speaker 114 That was upsetting.

Speaker 1 Well, there we are, James.

Speaker 25 I mean, that was like watching Dead Ringers.

Speaker 11 Yeah, it was. It was exactly like watching Dead Ringers, actually.

Speaker 5 Shout out to the Dead Ringers crew.

Speaker 22 Everyone loves the Dead Ringers, man.

Speaker 27 You know who else everyone loves? It's Paul Rudd.

Speaker 37 And of course, 2023 was the year that we finally banged big old Paulie Rudd. And even our guests can't stop talking.

Speaker 46 What the hell is this?

Speaker 37 Even our guests can't stop talking about it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because we're teeing up that Joe Cordish is talking about Paul Rudd.

Speaker 49 Yes. But then we hear.

Speaker 27 But then we're going to hear from Paul Rudd.

Speaker 105 Joe Cornish and Paul Rudd.

Speaker 28 That's what you're about to hear.

Speaker 201 I mean, I've been served courses that...

Speaker 201 are just like i don't want to eat any of that cube of peculiar substances here's the thing i like to know what i'm eating yeah so i like to see it i don't like sauces

Speaker 7 because they feel like a smokescreen really

Speaker 201 yeah yeah yeah you don't see the sauce as part of the dish no i don't i think it's like well if you're going to cook something cook it nicely don't smother it in a sauce to try and you know putting a sauce on something is like wearing a halloween costume on a daily basis or something do you know what i mean no it's like a mask to hide on a daily basis

Speaker 7 but this but do you the sauce is surely part of the cooking.

Speaker 1 You're suggesting that they've cooked something and then grabbed some sauce from the fridge or something and then just cover this.

Speaker 46 You can't just taste the sauce. It combines the corner.

Speaker 8 Okay, well, here's the other weird thing.

Speaker 201 I don't drink tea or coffee.

Speaker 52 Right.

Speaker 201 And I've only just

Speaker 14 in my twilight years, which I'm now in.

Speaker 27 Are you in twilight years now?

Speaker 14 I think so.

Speaker 201 Started drinking hot, like hot drinks. Like I've got a lemon and ginger here.
So basically, hot sauce.

Speaker 178 I just don't like hot fluids.

Speaker 11 Right, okay.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 201 You must have had people like this on before with peculiar influences.

Speaker 8 Oh, that's it.

Speaker 32 We've heard that Paul Rudd does not like sauces.

Speaker 206 I've eaten a meal with Paul Rudd.

Speaker 1 That must have been the driest meal in existence.

Speaker 29 Yeah, but Evan was like, those two guys, what the fuck?

Speaker 206 I got a piece of lettuce on my epiglottis is what I remember about that meal. It was with Edgar in LA.
Yeah.

Speaker 27 We were in quite a pulse restaurant.

Speaker 9 This is when we were just, yeah, when Edgar was casting Ant-Man before we left Ant-Man, Edgar chose Paul for

Speaker 9 Ant-Man.

Speaker 201 And yeah, so we sat down and had a meal with him and I started sort of convulsing and unable to talk and coughing violently. And it was a little piece of, tiny little piece of lettuce, almost like

Speaker 201 a little rip of Rizzler that was basically attached to my epiglottis. Very difficult to get off because you can't get a finger and thumb in there and peel it off.

Speaker 206 You risk twanging your epiglottis.

Speaker 53 Gosh, Paul Rudd, shrink down to the size of Ant-Man and go in there and get it, right?

Speaker 46 Very good. Yeah.
Thank you.

Speaker 28 That's the only way.

Speaker 40 Me and James have both been thinking about that ever since.

Speaker 115 You can tell. You can tell.

Speaker 141 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 27 You're absolutely right.

Speaker 71 As soon as I'd said the only way to do it, I went, fair enough.

Speaker 7 I should have said to him, look,

Speaker 134 if you want this part,

Speaker 73 get the lettuce off my epiglottis.

Speaker 41 The audition of all auditions.

Speaker 115 Yeah, wow.

Speaker 41 But I don't think he would have got the part.

Speaker 46 No.

Speaker 46 If he could do it in real life.

Speaker 90 If he'd shrunk down and got the lettuce off your epiglottis.

Speaker 9 Well, you wouldn't have got that.

Speaker 201 Because imagine the VFX money you would have saved.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 201 If he could really shrink a dip.

Speaker 29 Dumped in your mouth, got the lettuce, then came out your nose

Speaker 75 and then sat down and carried on talking to Edgar.

Speaker 201 That would have been a meal to remember.

Speaker 72 We're very excited to have you on the podcast because there's a long-running thing on the podcast that we need to settle with you.

Speaker 74 Yeah, are we getting this out the way early doors?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 165 I think if we don't get it out the way early doors, everyone's just going to, they won't be able to think of anything else.

Speaker 57 The listeners, listeners probably don't even remember us talking about fat fuck noodle bar So all they've been thinking about is whether or not Paul likes sauce.

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 58 I love that I'm here and we're going to get to the bottom of this.

Speaker 145 Yeah.

Speaker 125 So for anyone who hasn't heard the previous episodes, Ashlyn B, who was in a series with Paul, she said that during that film in Paul refused any condiments.

Speaker 57 He would not have any sauce, any condiments on anything wet at all.

Speaker 105 Anything wet.

Speaker 75 He only likes dry food.

Speaker 72 It got bought up a few times in a few episodes

Speaker 193 as a joke.

Speaker 125 And then Asma Khan came on the podcast,

Speaker 125 Paul has been to Asma's restaurant.

Speaker 139 And we said, Did Paul have sauce when he was there?

Speaker 125 Was it all dry food? She says, No, I don't have a sauce.

Speaker 57 He loves sauce.

Speaker 58 So we don't know.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 49 Everyone's confused.

Speaker 19 He's the real mystery here.

Speaker 139 And this is the only person who can give us the answer.

Speaker 153 This is basically a true crime podcast now.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 30 Let's get to the bottom.

Speaker 82 Let's get to the bottom of this.

Speaker 202 I'm putting all my cards on the table.

Speaker 52 Yeah.

Speaker 19 I like sauce.

Speaker 92 I think sauces are great.

Speaker 199 I grew, you know, I kind of grew up in Kansas City from the age of 10 to 20. And Kansas City is a huge barbecue place.
And so barbecue sauce, it's like people put it on everything.

Speaker 171 I like it.

Speaker 145 I like hot sauce. I like it.

Speaker 199 I mean, I like lots of sauces, but I loathe ketchup and mustard. Right.

Speaker 92 And by the way,

Speaker 199 yeah, I don't like ketchup and mustard. And mayonnaise, I just don't know what that is.

Speaker 69 So I avoid it.

Speaker 199 But see, this is where it gets a little weird. I don't want to have a sandwich put mayonnaise on it.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 199 But coleslaw, which is made with mayonnaise, I'll eat it.

Speaker 109 Right.

Speaker 199 So I don't know.

Speaker 77 Mayonnaise is the real gray area.

Speaker 199 Yeah. Mayonnaise is really, it is, yeah.

Speaker 30 It is.

Speaker 199 And by the way, I've seen some mayonnaise that is gray,

Speaker 199 and that's why I'm just not going to touch it.

Speaker 107 You are going to do it. No.

Speaker 93 It's so, even the idea of it, I find repugnant.

Speaker 1 But you have coleslaw, so it's almost as if you don't trust yourself with how much mayonnaise you're supposed to put on.

Speaker 205 It's a good point. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 45 there are certain things that I think

Speaker 199 I'm gonna force myself to eat this and like it when I was little I think I liked three things four things maybe and it was always embarrassing to go to somebody's house or go to a restaurant and somebody would serve something and I just like oh oh no I would avoid going to people's houses for dinner or going you know like I just I was like, I can't deal because they're going to serve something.

Speaker 199 I'm not going to lie.

Speaker 46 When you were little, you said, yeah.

Speaker 163 How old is little?

Speaker 143 Like 32.

Speaker 92 I'd say probably like six, seven years old.

Speaker 1 It's kind of amazing to be, obviously, like children don't like some foods and like say, I only like these things, but also to have that self-awareness of like, I can't go over to someone's house.

Speaker 22 I'm going to really get a dinner.

Speaker 199 I still have like these traumatic memories.

Speaker 199 I went to a McDonald's or something with a friend of mine and his dad said, what do you want?

Speaker 161 I said, a hamburger.

Speaker 199 And my mom always ordered hamburgers for me and they would always just, she would order them plain. And so I got a hamburger and it had ketchup and mustard and pickles on it.

Speaker 82 And I'm like, oh, I don't like this.

Speaker 199 And he said, well, you got to eat it. I said,

Speaker 199 can I get a different one? Cause I don't want, I don't like the stuff on it.

Speaker 145 And he's like, no, you got to eat. That's what you wanted.

Speaker 48 That's what I ordered. That's what you're going to eat.

Speaker 45 This is my, this is, by the way, it was like my friend's dad.

Speaker 27 Now, like, what a jerk.

Speaker 32 And I don't know.

Speaker 93 Was he trying to teach me something?

Speaker 92 He thinks I'm a son.

Speaker 67 And so I had to,

Speaker 128 I

Speaker 33 remember eating this burger, kind of crying like Coco from fame when she's covering her,

Speaker 93 takes her shirt off.

Speaker 184 And I'm eating this burger that I hate.

Speaker 199 And then I remember I would sometimes go over to his house. And the first thing I...

Speaker 199 I'd say, my mom said, I didn't have to eat anything.

Speaker 49 I don't want to eat.

Speaker 131 up Lave, I'd go have dinner or something.

Speaker 46 So he did.

Speaker 33 It was really traumatic.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Awful.

Speaker 149 Yeah.

Speaker 25 You can see why you don't like ketchup now.

Speaker 196 Well, I don't think that caused it, but it just never even occurred to me, I think, as a really little kid who loved and loves French fries or chips

Speaker 199 to put anything with it because they're so perfect on their own.

Speaker 65 Sure.

Speaker 72 So that cemented it for the sound of things.

Speaker 92 That was.

Speaker 46 But before that, they didn't like ketchup and mustard.

Speaker 205 No, no.

Speaker 199 And mustard, you know, I think it would like if it got on your finger or on a clay, I was like, the smell never goes away.

Speaker 199 And I just think of a hot day and mustard on my shirt because I think I went to a football match and let somebody spill, like accidentally got mustard on my shirt. Yeah.

Speaker 28 And it was hot.

Speaker 30 I'm like, oh, this sucks.

Speaker 92 I want to go home. I got to take this off.

Speaker 199 And I like, I had a real kind of visceral reaction to it.

Speaker 92 I went to college with a guy who had such an aversion.

Speaker 161 His name was Walt Neidner.

Speaker 199 That's his real name.

Speaker 183 And

Speaker 199 he hated the idea of ketchup and mustard mixed together on a plate.

Speaker 199 And we would sit around and say, boy, imagine like if you had, you just squirt out some ketchup and, you know, and it makes that sound.

Speaker 199 You sound like a paper plate and it's, and you're outside on like a picnic and then some mustard. And he would just say, stop, stop.

Speaker 1 And we could always make him throw up.

Speaker 118 Just by imagining it.

Speaker 48 And so it became, I mean, we were vicious.

Speaker 199 The group, you know, all the time, just start talking about it.

Speaker 35 And then it got to the point where it's like, so you have a paper plate.

Speaker 183 You need to say, like, he would then think about it and throw up.

Speaker 46 So this for the paper plate.

Speaker 1 Because obviously where I thought that was going was you, you were going to say you literally did it in front of him or you would get ketchup and mustard.

Speaker 92 But all you needed to do is talk about it. To make Nietzsche.

Speaker 199 His imagination did the rest.

Speaker 183 He hated it.

Speaker 30 I think he had a similar thing like at summer camp or something where it's like, oh,

Speaker 199 something just grossed him out about it.

Speaker 199 But I get it. I feel the same way.

Speaker 193 Sounds like Niedner got it worse than you.

Speaker 118 Needner when he was a kid.

Speaker 161 Niedner.

Speaker 27 Something happened when he had it. Something happened.

Speaker 30 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 46 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 84 So what was the catch?

Speaker 2 So you didn't like mustard.

Speaker 193 I understand the mustard on your finger, mustard on your shirt sleeves forever, especially on a sunny day.

Speaker 60 Was ketchup?

Speaker 199 Ketchup just seems just like sugary and tangy and nasty to to me.

Speaker 119 Yeah.

Speaker 127 Like I like a burger and I'll put like a cheeseburger on it, but I don't want ketchup on it.

Speaker 60 You want it just as is.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 199 Well, I mean, still, it's like sometimes a burger will show up and then it's like, oh, I got to look under the bun what's on this thing.

Speaker 199 And it'll be like, and so, and the worst is when it's like a pinkish orange.

Speaker 202 I think that's a thousand islands something or other. Yeah.

Speaker 199 It's like a mix of mayonnaise and ketchup and some other nonsense I don't want.

Speaker 48 I have to try and scrape it off.

Speaker 57 And that's a dollar through a thousand islands. Yeah.

Speaker 66 Yeah, for someone.

Speaker 93 Thousand Island.

Speaker 153 What is that? What is that?

Speaker 33 Do you know?

Speaker 132 I think we've had this discussion on the podcast before.

Speaker 118 No one knows. No one knows.

Speaker 29 No one knows.

Speaker 44 No one knows what it is.

Speaker 1 I think it must be like ketchup and mayo mixed, right?

Speaker 65 With a bit of spice in there.

Speaker 120 There's definitely those two things in there.

Speaker 44 I think maybe

Speaker 71 Tabasa Tabasco in there.

Speaker 46 All right. Beyond that, I have no idea.

Speaker 199 I can honestly say, I don't even know what it tastes like.

Speaker 48 I've never had it.

Speaker 118 I don't think you should. I don't think you should.

Speaker 27 I'm not going to start now.

Speaker 1 How did Walt Needner feel about Thousand Island?

Speaker 145 I never even asked. On a paper plate.

Speaker 57 I don't know. Yeah.

Speaker 199 I mean, I imagine if I asked, he'd puke before I even got the questionnaire.

Speaker 142 That's going to be it.

Speaker 47 Well, there we are.

Speaker 1 Lovely to finally get to the bottom of that source dilemma, James.

Speaker 33 Yep. The mystery of the source.

Speaker 37 Not many podcasts have a narrative arc that stretches over many series, but we've done it.

Speaker 44 We've Paul Rudd and the source mystery.

Speaker 143 We've done it.

Speaker 1 And Paul Rudd wasn't the only guest we fanboyed at this year.

Speaker 48 We didn't fanboy over Paul Rudd.

Speaker 53 Anyway, Benito's wrong about that, but apparently we didn't fanboy over Florence Pugh and Ree Shearsmith.

Speaker 41 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 208 I fanboyed over Florence Pugh.

Speaker 13 And I got my ass.

Speaker 13 I got fact checked.

Speaker 1 We could have gone out for cocktails with Pugh, but you ruined it.

Speaker 29 Yes, I absolutely ruined it.

Speaker 109 I'll hold my hands up there. And

Speaker 94 Reese Shear Smith, I think we did. Yeah, we definitely.
He didn't.

Speaker 75 Because I...

Speaker 11 I deliberately fanboyed over Rees Shear Smith.

Speaker 94 Yes. Because I know that he doesn't like that sort of thing, and it absolutely worked a treat.

Speaker 153 Did Granny Pat go to the Midsummer premiere?

Speaker 1 Can't imagine taking a granny to Midsummer.

Speaker 102 I took her and my grandad.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 102 Fantastic. I took them to the Odeon in Oxford because we'd missed it.
They couldn't come to the, well, the premiere was in New York.

Speaker 102 So I took them to the Odeon and we all sat down and annoyingly, it was the first time they ever screened the movie and they completely botched it up.

Speaker 139 Like the,

Speaker 102 it stopped playing the movie, but the sound kept on going. But because it was such a weird movie, people were like,

Speaker 102 and then it got to the point where I was like, no, God,

Speaker 170 this is wrong.

Speaker 102 And I was like trying to wave. And then eventually someone came in and like, so the

Speaker 102 projector stopped working.

Speaker 88 Oh my god.

Speaker 102 And we're going to get it up and running in a bit.

Speaker 122 And we were like, okay.

Speaker 102 But it was in one of the moments where you really needed to see everything.

Speaker 102 And then it happened again. And it was just one of those like, oh my God.
Oh, and also the, but it was the wrong sizing. So you couldn't see any of the

Speaker 93 fuck what's the word translation oh yeah

Speaker 102 and so no one no one knew what was going on and then i remember my granddad at the end was like well i wouldn't have watched it if you wanted it i was like no i know that granddad

Speaker 102 i mean his okay here's questions about that now we brought it up yeah let's do a food one first yeah we still got the food yeah what was it like getting the fish in your mouth and the tail first it was quite funny we actually had loads of conversations about the fish because i didn't quite i didn't quite imagine i just didn't there's so many things that when you read a script you're like oh yeah then we'll do that and then you don't really think about the act of actually doing it you're just like oh that's gonna happen yeah and that happens honestly with me so many times and it's only until someone's like well do you do you want to um swallow it whole or do you want do you want it hot and you're like wait what oh my god and they brought out this platter of fish one day and it was so bloody hot there it was budapest in summer is as hot as la in summer it's like boiling but the buildings aren't cool and they don't have much air conditioning.

Speaker 102 We were shooting in the middle of a field in mid-summer and very little shade. And so food, like the prop food, kept on being sat in the sun, would start to go rancid and would go off.

Speaker 102 It was like, honestly, nightmare, like actually nightmare. And so they brought out this platter of fish and one was...

Speaker 14 huge, absolutely huge.

Speaker 102 And then it just went down to like normal size. And Ari said, what do you think about that one? And it was like bang in the middle of sizes.
I was like,

Speaker 102 Yeah, I think that's still a bit too big.

Speaker 102 And then they were asking me to like weigh them and feel them in my hands.

Speaker 170 I was like, This is so weird.

Speaker 1 It feels pointless to weigh them in your hands.

Speaker 102 I was like, Sorry, sorry, can we just talk about what's happening with the fish?

Speaker 102 Because it says in the script that they bring out a herring. I was like, But what is happening? And he goes, Oh, they're going to dangle it in your mouth.
I was like,

Speaker 91 What?

Speaker 102 I kind of hadn't really processed it.

Speaker 102 Anyway, so we chose that one and then I made sure that they put it on ice because it was shooting the next day and they were like, on ice? I go, yeah, it's going in my mouth, on ice.

Speaker 102 So then they put it on ice and they're like, it's on ice.

Speaker 73 I was like, great.

Speaker 84 So they weren't going to do that.

Speaker 178 They were just going to leave it there until the next day.

Speaker 102 I think they would have refrigerated it, but we'd had a few issues with like. the seat, the crustacean tower hadn't been refrigerated.
And so it literally,

Speaker 102 when we were doing that dining table scene, we were doing that scene for maybe two days or something. And by the second day, we were like,

Speaker 98 like gagging, like actually gagging.

Speaker 102 And then it had to actually be swapped out with apples because people couldn't sit there anymore. Some people were being sick.

Speaker 72 I love the thought of everyone gagging. And the only person not gagging is the guy drinking all the pubes.

Speaker 6 He's loving absolutely fine.

Speaker 73 A great banquet.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 102 This was the mirrored table.

Speaker 109 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 102 So, but how was that? I mean, yeah, I just got like a face full of fish. Well,

Speaker 65 maybe that's why you you dream about fish all the time.

Speaker 123 Yeah, get them into bowls.

Speaker 211 It was fun.

Speaker 102 You know what was a bit weird was that obviously it was just very slimy and oily, but like my face was covered with the scales and my lips were covered with scales.

Speaker 102 So it was just a bit like, oh, this is so unpleasant. And then afterwards, of course, you just wipe it off and get on with your day.
So I just still, I stank a fish for a bit.

Speaker 14 Because it looks, it looks in the film.

Speaker 44 Fishy. Like,

Speaker 62 it looks like you are...

Speaker 75 It's genuinely someone trying to do what they're asking you to do.

Speaker 58 And the reaction seems really real.

Speaker 74 It's like, no, I can't do this.

Speaker 210 Yes, it was that.

Speaker 102 No, I mean, it was in the script that she can't do it because it's a huge fish.

Speaker 161 But

Speaker 102 it was also made even better by the fact that the whole table was like smiling and cheering at you. So it just played into the surreal, you know, surrealism of it.

Speaker 77 What do you think happens to her?

Speaker 4 Because the festival isn't over at the end.

Speaker 58 There's still days left.

Speaker 64 And you're all smiling at the end.

Speaker 66 But I mean, what do you think?

Speaker 102 I think she survives I think she's

Speaker 102 so she's had a psychotic break that's what's happened when she sees her husband fiancé are they married oh my god I can't believe they're not married her boyfriend sorry I kill so many of my husbands in my movies

Speaker 102 when she sees her boyfriend um having that orgy in the in the temple i think that's like one of the last things that she can probably deal with and i think through the mushroom trip and the this trip and the that trip I think when everything starts when she like for example when she's on the on the throne with her flower dress and she's given the choice to either choose her boyfriend or the other sacrifice I genuinely and also this is always actors always have different I mean the idea of the movie should always be that what happens in the movie, but you always have like slight changes because it's you that's playing them.

Speaker 102 And as long as obviously you're giving a performance that they can edit, then it doesn't really matter what you were thinking when it happened but i i always took it as like she was kind of gone by that point and just the pampering and then and the weirdness and the oddities of what was happening so when

Speaker 102 she looks at him i never thought she looked at him to kill him i thought it was more of like she was in a different place she was in a different

Speaker 102 she wasn't her anymore and she almost looks at him as if like

Speaker 102 She's she's getting that recognition.

Speaker 102 She knows that it's someone that she loves and she knows that it's someone that's hurt her so that whole zoom in is like for me it was her processing deep deep from wherever it is that she's got lost to that that is someone that has hurt her and then it snaps and then he's been chosen so i always thought that she survived i don't think she's probably ever going to come back because to come back from a psychotic break you have to have deep, deep treatment and work that obviously those people don't have.

Speaker 48 Yeah, they're not offering that.

Speaker 107 No, they're not offering that.

Speaker 102 But I do think that they care for her.

Speaker 102 And I do think she's in in that weird twisted horrible way she's in like a place that people actually want her to be there and i do think she will be getting respect and and love in a weird way there um i don't think she's ever coming back from this break yeah it was funny when i did it i was so um wrapped up in her and i've never had this ever before with any of my characters i was so wrapped up in her that when i was making the movie there were so many places that i had to go to i'd never played someone that was in that much pain before and i would put myself in really like shit situations that other actors maybe don't need to do but like I would just be imagining the worst things because each day the the content would be getting like more weird and and and harder to do I was putting my I was just putting things in my head that were just getting worse and and more bleak and and I think by the end I had probably most definitely abused my my own self in order to get that performance and when I left the shoot they still had three days left to shoot because I was off to Boston to go and shoot Little Women literally straight away.

Speaker 102 And I remember when I left, I said goodbye to everyone.

Speaker 102 And when I was in the plane, I looked down and by that point, I'd traveled so much over the weekends to go and do press for Little Drama Girl that I knew exactly where the field was when I was in the plane because I'd follow the road out.

Speaker 102 And I remember looking down. and feeling immense guilt.
Like I felt so guilty because I felt like I'd left left her in that field in that state

Speaker 102 and it was so weird I've never had that before never I've always thought that like all my characters have once I've left them like yeah but they'd be fine in the next situation like they know how to handle themselves and this one I was like I've and obviously if like that's a probably a psychological thing where I felt immense guilt of like what I'd put myself through yeah of course yeah but I definitely felt like I'd left her there in that field to be used to be um

Speaker 102 not to she can't fend for herself almost like i'd created this person and then I just left her when I had to go into another movie.

Speaker 47 I mean, to be fair, probably better leave her there than take her with you to Little Women.

Speaker 102 Totally, totally. Yeah, I don't think she has a place in Little Women.
But it's funny. It was just like, I'd obviously created such a sad person

Speaker 102 and then felt guilty that I had created that person and then left her.

Speaker 75 But I guess that feeling of guilt is like kind of the character as well, right?

Speaker 58 Yeah. So like she's feeling guilty about feeling that she's let people down.

Speaker 72 So you kind of, you are.

Speaker 123 Yeah. Well, I think she's fine.

Speaker 102 I think she's fine. I think, like, I do think Pele would look after her.
I don't think he's going to abuse her or hurt her. I do think that community appreciate her being there.

Speaker 102 But I felt like it was my reason.

Speaker 27 I've trusted those fine. No.

Speaker 162 No.

Speaker 170 What do you think is going to happen?

Speaker 81 I think they kill her.

Speaker 210 Really?

Speaker 189 Where were the other May queens?

Speaker 41 From the past?

Speaker 83 They were there.

Speaker 44 Oh, were they?

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 87 I think she's fine.

Speaker 27 She's absolutely fine.

Speaker 28 She's there.

Speaker 102 Also, they killed all of their sacrifices.

Speaker 29 Oh, so that was all the sacrifices they needed.

Speaker 57 Oh, that's quite reassuring to me. Yeah.

Speaker 78 I genuinely have got like, I now know what

Speaker 3 she's using.

Speaker 44 I've watched the film a lot and I watched a lot of videos online about it.

Speaker 46 I love that.

Speaker 51 And it's a big, it's a big side dish as well.

Speaker 7 It's a lot.

Speaker 167 Also, I mean, you know, I'm quite excited for it's your menu and we're getting all these like big calendar days of the year there because a lot of listeners are going to be getting 12 Days of Christine kind of vibes from this now.

Speaker 171 That's what they are. He hates it.

Speaker 46 He hates 12 Days of Christine.

Speaker 123 He hates it.

Speaker 105 because it it's very odd brand for you to hate probably a lot of the fans favourite episodes

Speaker 78 absolutely be like fuck 12 days of christie

Speaker 85 we're not even in it

Speaker 84 you're in it well i'm in it the tiny bit you're in it

Speaker 189 you're trying to help you you're i know well yes i

Speaker 154 sort of cause it yeah um yes it's a good one

Speaker 165 oh yes i've never been happier to bring up something

Speaker 7 i wrote it in five days and it's this amazing one that everyone recounts as being the best ever episode.

Speaker 60 It's not your favourite.

Speaker 57 Not your favourite.

Speaker 105 Not your favourite, wouldn't it be? If you were in Charlie.

Speaker 7 What's interesting is, you know, we try our best and the hardest thing in the world is to make them funny. Admittedly, that one is not funny.

Speaker 7 It's got some funny things in it, like people are in the world funny along the way. But it's because it's got heart, it's because it makes people cry.

Speaker 7 They are the ones that seemingly stick with people. Like with the one we did with the double act, Steve.

Speaker 7 That was very moving as well.

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 7 You know, it's not something we tried I think it's a gimmick we don't think oh we should do a sad one that's what works but that one I think was the first one that we did Christine that was sort of like unexpectedly emotional

Speaker 197 and so and of course it's great and Sheridan Smith is great in it I just get annoyed because it's everyone's first root number one

Speaker 99 and I hate ranking I hate them putting them in order anyway Only today I read, there's some real stinkers you can't get through.

Speaker 115 Where are you reading that Agri?

Speaker 68 Twitter.

Speaker 115 Don't stop looking.

Speaker 7 I've got to look at these animals.

Speaker 84 They might be in Anguister.

Speaker 84 Oh, which ones?

Speaker 122 Yeah. They're the hardest ones to write, cunt.

Speaker 46 I remember, it's a proper moment.

Speaker 60 I remember being in Melbourne when

Speaker 105 Christine exactly.

Speaker 72 I remember.

Speaker 44 You're still talking about it?

Speaker 78 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 66 This is fun.

Speaker 171 You remember?

Speaker 105 I was in a hotel full of comedians. Right.
I remember walking out of my hotel. Crying your eyes out.

Speaker 139 I had not seen it.

Speaker 171 So I got up in the morning, opened my door.

Speaker 72 John Kearns in the room next to me. He comes out.

Speaker 125 He goes, Have you seen

Speaker 46 shattered?

Speaker 106 You've seen this inside number nine.

Speaker 72 You've got to watch it. Later on that day, he sees me again.

Speaker 46 Have you seen it yet? No, I haven't watched it, Kearns.

Speaker 27 Have you seen it yet?

Speaker 60 Let me know when you watch it.

Speaker 72 Kept on checking on me.

Speaker 105 I had to watch it while I was there to let you know.

Speaker 65 It was standing over you looking at me.

Speaker 87 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 27 I'm feeling the emotions, Kearns. Don't worry.

Speaker 92 You wait, you wait. It's coming up.

Speaker 27 It's coming up soon.

Speaker 46 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 65 That's a twist. I won't tell what it is.

Speaker 46 Watch

Speaker 97 I'm going to watch you when you watch it.

Speaker 123 Yeah, yeah, you've got to watch this.

Speaker 34 Well, there we are.

Speaker 1 Thanks for spoiling our friendships with celebs, James, by being a little fanboy.

Speaker 134 It was my pleasure, Ed.

Speaker 40 Well, talking of Pew Pew, our food podcast.

Speaker 66 One of Bonito's better puns.

Speaker 56 That was my pun.

Speaker 64 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 69 I thought I'd pin it on Bonito.

Speaker 143 Oh, yeah, Bonito. Very rude.
Yeah.

Speaker 40 Our food podcast is actually a Pooh Wee and Vomit podcast in disguise.

Speaker 10 I mean, this is a long list of people. We must talk about this a lot.

Speaker 1 We we do fern brady to heep jimmo paul foot aj adoodu florence pew kathy burke ross noble tim minchie talked about wean with florence pew what the hell is wrong with us

Speaker 105 so here's a question that everyone probably had earlier in the podcast i feel we should circle back around to before we uh move on with the menu is um sorry to ask it but how bad do your farts stink when you were uh eating the eggs all the time they weren't they weren't bad they're actually worse when i eat a lot of tofu and beans beans which are two of my favorite foods I fart loads loads and loads

Speaker 41 because the two the second two loads and loads made me laugh loads but James knows exactly why I'm laughing just because I find that sort of thing really funny yeah and you said it in a really serious way like you were musing on it yeah yeah

Speaker 177 but isn't it good for you yeah probably I got really into reading about the gut microbiome and eating fermented foods but i get i tend to get like quite obsessive about one thing at once so i read that eating for your gut is gonna help you live longer so i made my own kombucha i bought like the thingies that make kefir

Speaker 177 uh i've made my own what's the other one the free k's cabbage

Speaker 177 I made it all at once and then you're not really supposed to eat all them free things at once and in like massive quantities.

Speaker 177 And I honestly just like my shits were like flying out of me like wet piglets.

Speaker 115 It was so,

Speaker 85 oh my god.

Speaker 28 Because I was like, I didn't know the power that this stuff had.

Speaker 148 I just was like, I'll be fine.

Speaker 177 But yeah, I love all the fermented stuff.

Speaker 102 So you've just eaten loads.

Speaker 1 It was just the amount that you're eating was what was causing the wet piglets.

Speaker 177 Yeah, you can't have the three K's at once. You're going to just like sort of sprinkle them throughout your life.

Speaker 1 You put three K's together and stuff starts to get that.

Speaker 82 Yeah,

Speaker 105 that's when something starts.

Speaker 125 You should have known this is going to turn pretty bad if if Romeo liked still water and Juliet liked sparkling water do you think that that love would have bloomed absolutely not I think they'd have seen each other at that party and been like she likes sparkling water bro

Speaker 161 you get it like nah I'm out man I'm out but surely that's the whole point of Romeo and Juliet they're from two different two different houses oh you're right sparkling and still

Speaker 27 and then love shouldn't work should we should we do like a Romeo and Juliet animation and it's like sparkling water and still water that's That's it.

Speaker 212 We solve all the world's problems. We end race as it

Speaker 80 all sorts of intolerance. It's an analogy for everything.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 212 Yeah. Sparkling and still water.

Speaker 63 Then you get invited to the White House again.

Speaker 66 Yeah. And they're like, thank you.

Speaker 118 I can't believe you're spam.

Speaker 81 You've had another project that's helped the world.

Speaker 92 So angry about sparkling water people.

Speaker 1 That's not very Ted Lasso of you.

Speaker 119 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 131 Well, I mean, Ted hates sparkling water in the show as well.

Speaker 212 Yeah. He like drinks it and spits it out and can't stand it the entire time.
And I'm like, yeah.

Speaker 191 I'd follow that man

Speaker 48 into battle.

Speaker 212 He doesn't like tea i'm not a big tea drinker either right yeah like i don't i'm not a hot drink person i don't drink coffee i don't really i mean i'll drink tea but i'm not like passionate about it yeah maybe a hot chocolate i just like burn my tongue and then and that's it my day is ruined

Speaker 81 would you say you're the most like ted lasso out of all the cast

Speaker 150 oh

Speaker 212 am i the most like ted no i don't think so who would be the most like ted lasso well it's not brett it's not brett definitely not you know brett it's not brett

Speaker 58 Brett's the most like

Speaker 30 his own character. He's the most Roy Ken.

Speaker 212 He's the most Roy Ken, but also the most not Roy Ken at the same time.

Speaker 57 It's a very soft.

Speaker 101 But I guess, like, that's Roy Kent.

Speaker 212 Like, Roy Kent is a teddy bear and pretends not to be. And I guess that's kind of Brett as well.
But Brett doesn't pretend not to be as much.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 212 But yeah, Brett's not the most Ted Lasso-like.

Speaker 52 Who is the most Ted Lasso?

Speaker 72 Nick Mohammed, who's been on this podcast, is obviously not the most Ted Lasso-like.

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 125 Just a lunatic.

Speaker 125 Absolutely revolting.

Speaker 191 Nick, they're hating on you, man.

Speaker 29 I don't know what to say. They're hating on you, bro.

Speaker 2 The guy that plays Danny Roe has, he seems pretty happy.

Speaker 212 Yeah, he is very happy. Also, very horrendous food choices.

Speaker 212 Watching Cristo eat is horrific.

Speaker 212 Like, I think people who love Cristo because he's like the happiest, like, most charming boy in the world, if you watched him eat a meal, like, he'd, he'd lose a core chunk of his fan face.

Speaker 109 I think.

Speaker 14 Talk us through it.

Speaker 7 It's just, I don't know, because like he's, he's really fit and like muscly.

Speaker 212 And like, he, he's, you know, like, I think he's like proteining up just to like stay, stay the most attractive boy in the world but it's the it's the eggs man like he eats a lot of eggs and i think that's like that's protein right but i'm like i can't watch you eat six boiled eggs and not feel like we have six on the bounce yes and like i'm like we have to call an intervention like it's just something has to be done bro it's a lot it's not good for you yeah it's not good for your insides um

Speaker 151 and the farts oh it's just yeah yeah it's gumping up a storm it's uh it's it's it's tough does he shout farting his life

Speaker 28 it's not that bad no but

Speaker 212 his life um christo does eat a lot though he's like he's the he's the person that like will get our food um and and like we're making it through our first one and christo's coming back with his second and then he's got like two more to take on with him i'm like yeah he eats a lot and um and that's why he is strapping attractive young man with the best head of hair i've ever seen on a human being do you think that's the eggs do you think if you eat a lot of eggs your hair stays thick and juicy thick and juicy or the farts the farts go into deluscious um Maybe it is that.

Speaker 8 Maybe that's what it is.

Speaker 212 Maybe he's just like selling us the dream of, oh, yeah, protein and jiggle. It's good for me.
I want to stay.

Speaker 212 But it's just that's all those nutrients are going into his hair.

Speaker 72 Maybe every time he farts, his hair grows.

Speaker 81 If you look at him, really.

Speaker 58 If you look at him every time he looks like a fart, his hair just grows.

Speaker 73 He pushes him out. A little bit, yeah.
He just puts a little bit into his hair.

Speaker 65 Like one of those play-doh things.

Speaker 191 This is crazy.

Speaker 212 I mean, no fun in Dende.

Speaker 212 I smell a hit movie.

Speaker 78 I think

Speaker 212 the superpower is his hair grows when he fucks.

Speaker 46 Yeah, I'll make that movie.

Speaker 75 Are we including the Pornstar Martini?

Speaker 213 Pornstar Martini is one of the 12.

Speaker 213 Pinot de Charon. Yeah.
Because it makes you sound sophisticated to order something like that, doesn't it?

Speaker 60 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 78 Pinot de Charon.

Speaker 213 So I have that as a peritif. Yeah.
Camparian soda.

Speaker 30 Oh, it's a classic, isn't it?

Speaker 78 It's lovely.

Speaker 60 It's a classic for a reason.

Speaker 213 It's bitter. I love bitter flavours.

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 213 I love all the flavours. I used to think that I wasn't very sophisticated with wine because I like all the wines.
But then I realised that's because I like all the flavours.

Speaker 213 I like sweet, I like bitter, I like sour, I like umami, the fourth flavour.

Speaker 142 Yeah.

Speaker 213 And I also, I don't like the fifth flavour.

Speaker 9 What's the fifth flavour?

Speaker 46 Shit.

Speaker 185 It's not good, is it?

Speaker 213 But even in a small dose, it's not good.

Speaker 82 No.

Speaker 70 It's never, it never adds to it.

Speaker 57 It's not good. It's horrible.

Speaker 8 It's a horrible flavour.

Speaker 71 Bitter, sweet, sour.

Speaker 16 Marmine.

Speaker 13 And shit.

Speaker 77 I'm done.

Speaker 31 We've got a lot of drinks to get through here, Paul.

Speaker 213 Yes, yes, all right.

Speaker 46 All right, then.

Speaker 22 We've had three, haven't we?

Speaker 70 I believe so. Yeah, so, um, have we?

Speaker 46 Yeah, we've had three.

Speaker 41 Yeah, Pinot de Chiron, Campari and all the campaigns.

Speaker 52 Please.

Speaker 70 Actually, let's keep going through it. Let's keep adding one and then having to go through them.

Speaker 65 Yeah, Paul Star Martino, Martini, Pinot de Charon, Campari and soda.

Speaker 144 Yeah, after that, Sherry.

Speaker 65 Yeah, have a sherry. I love your sherry.
Not sherry.

Speaker 213 Then after that, Chardonnay. Nice Chardonnay.
Nice wine. Yeah, very nice.
After that, a nice other white wine.

Speaker 163 Another white wine.

Speaker 78 Any white wine.

Speaker 82 Riesling. Yeah.
Have a Riesling. Yeah, you like Rieslings, yeah.

Speaker 213 After that, can I have shit juice but not have it?

Speaker 70 Just leave that one.

Speaker 213 So it's one of the drinks, but I leave it. So I only drink 11 of them.

Speaker 46 Yes. Shit juice.

Speaker 30 Shit juice, but you're not going to have it.

Speaker 82 Taste of shit.

Speaker 8 It's the essence of shit. Yeah.

Speaker 109 Yeah. But you're not going to have it.

Speaker 95 But you'll have it. You spot it there.

Speaker 29 Yes.

Speaker 64 As a reminder of, like, at least I'm not drinking that.

Speaker 8 How good you've got it.

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 213 But it's not actually shit. Because it reminds me of, you know, there's that thing at the

Speaker 46 modern art thing in Hobart in that

Speaker 213 museum there where they've got a machine that makes human shit.

Speaker 163 Wow, I didn't know that.

Speaker 213 So they like

Speaker 213 they've got a machine that they put food into and it in every way imitates a great big machine. Exactly the same chemicals that are in the human body and it makes shit.

Speaker 1 And it takes the exact same amount of time, right? So people turn up to the museum to see the machine poop.

Speaker 8 Have you been there?

Speaker 109 No, but I've read about it.

Speaker 11 Yeah, so it comes out.

Speaker 213 Yeah. But it's not real poo because it's kind of is real, but isn't.

Speaker 213 sure because it's just like chemical wow so i'd have the same i'd make the i'd make it chemically yeah sort of chemical shit flavoring yeah see what it from that machine yeah from that machine yeah from hope bar

Speaker 32 i think a lot of the arguments in big brother classically have been driven by lack of food sometimes oh my god well i think people get hangry don't you know what genuinely this is this is the reason why i'd never go into that house right because i just think

Speaker 211 you know, meeting people, being sociable, that's one thing that's amazing. But also, you know how it is, it's exhausting.
You might get back.

Speaker 211 I mean, I don't know what you do to unwind in the evening, but I'm like, I do like to sit in silence and watch TV. It's hard to believe because I go, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, all day.
But I do.

Speaker 211 I have quiet time with me, myself, and I.

Speaker 180 And I don't want to speak to anyone.

Speaker 91 But there, it's 24-7.

Speaker 211 I'm like, oh my gosh, what? They're sleeping next to me. They all sleep next to each other.
They have to do the shopping list with each other.

Speaker 211 It's kind of like, I always remember in previous series, people being like, cheese, you want cheese?

Speaker 80 That's so expensive.

Speaker 27 I don't eat cheese.

Speaker 89 Yeah, I don't need to eat cheese.

Speaker 99 It's always an argument, isn't it, about cheese? Yeah.

Speaker 211 And also the scenes, the desperate scenes where people...

Speaker 211 are going right we're dividing the toilet wall and sheet by sheet they're cutting it out and they're rationing toilet paper And it is just, I just couldn't do it.

Speaker 61 No, no.

Speaker 211 I wouldn't want to ask any housemate in there, do you scunch or do you fold? Because one's economically not right.

Speaker 91 One's a bit more wasteful than the other.

Speaker 25 I'd go through all of my toilet paper ration within the first hour of getting it.

Speaker 32 Why?

Speaker 45 And then, well, and then I just, because you know, I'd like to be luxurious with that sort of stuff.

Speaker 145 And then for the rest of the week, I'd just be having a shower every time I went for a shit.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 196 It was a good way of doing it.

Speaker 71 Yeah,

Speaker 71 they don't film you in the shower. No.

Speaker 90 It's okay if you've just got shit running down your legs in the shower.

Speaker 95 They're not going to get that on camera.

Speaker 8 Because there's always, like, I remember a classic celebrity big brother argument.

Speaker 14 John McCrurich wanted his Diet Coke.

Speaker 72 He complained about his Diet Coke the whole time.

Speaker 211 There's the Diet Coke.

Speaker 27 David's dead.

Speaker 211 David's. Oh my gosh.

Speaker 46 That was nothing to do with food.

Speaker 132 That was nothing to do with food, but it was iconic.

Speaker 145 Well, it's the best TV show moment of all time. And I'm including like succession.

Speaker 140 It was so good.

Speaker 211 And I just remember Nikki, bless her, R.I.P., but she was amazing when she was like, who is she?

Speaker 134 Who is she? Where did you find her?

Speaker 91 And then just complaining about, you know, she just eats all of the cornflakes. Like the mountain of cornflakes is in that bowl.

Speaker 27 And you're like, oh my gosh, babe, chill out.

Speaker 117 It's literally corn flakes.

Speaker 70 But they are.

Speaker 22 They're so hungry.

Speaker 30 Yeah, it senses.

Speaker 57 You've got to do that with cornflakes. What?

Speaker 189 I think corn flakes, you've got to have a big mountain of cornflakes in the bowl.

Speaker 192 Yeah.

Speaker 211 Why? Because it melts down.

Speaker 166 It's just great.

Speaker 63 Like,

Speaker 63 I want to eat loads of cornflakes.

Speaker 76 So I like piling them up and then put the milk over, maybe a bit of sugar.

Speaker 8 First out of the house.

Speaker 159 You'd be absolutely first out of the house.

Speaker 29 Yeah, I've imagined I would burn it.

Speaker 8 James, why are you eating all those cornflakes?

Speaker 41 You've eaten everyone's cornflakes for the entire week in one bowl.

Speaker 45 Because it's great.

Speaker 118 Because I like a big bowl.

Speaker 27 So I like a big bog.

Speaker 71 So a small bowl of cornflakes doesn't hit the spot.

Speaker 86 Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 211 You'd be amazing in the house. Yeah, you would be actually.

Speaker 85 already.

Speaker 211 I know you'd be iconic.

Speaker 58 Do you know what, AJ? It's genuinely one of the things I have to live with in life is knowing that I would be the best on reality TV and yet I'm too up myself to do it.

Speaker 41 It's a real shame because

Speaker 48 I know I'd be excellent value. Yeah.

Speaker 46 Strictly?

Speaker 76 Strictly, I'd be brilliant. I'll be brilliant on traitors, anything, any of that stuff.
I can make a whole living just doing

Speaker 58 all those shows.

Speaker 76 But sadly, I'm too stuck up oh too pompous how do we bring you back down to earth yeah not you don't you've got it's just like i mean sadly because i'm a capricorn it means i'm hugely successful yeah which means that i'm never gonna do those shows you don't need to you don't need to keep if my career crashes if someone can somehow figure out how to bring a capricorn down

Speaker 41 that i get desperate then you might you might see me in the well the only person i know who could bring a capricorn down is an aquarius yeah so you're gonna have to do some work there aj head to head

Speaker 211 I don't ever want to bring anyone down though. It's not my vibe.

Speaker 91 I just want to bring them up.

Speaker 113 Everyone can be up together.

Speaker 39 Yeah, I'll never be on those shows.

Speaker 76 If I was ever on those shows, I'll tell you, you think McCruick gets angry if someone steals his Diet Coke?

Speaker 67 I'll be furious.

Speaker 2 You can't have a story to tell him as well about how much Diet Coke means to me.

Speaker 33 So still a sparkling water.

Speaker 170 Still sparkling.

Speaker 102 I'll go. I mean, okay, I will go still, but my mum will go sparkling and make me feel guilty, so I'll probably get sparkling and then not drink it.

Speaker 194 So your...

Speaker 1 So your mum's made a sudden appearance here.

Speaker 161 Is she at the dream meal with you?

Speaker 1 Or is she always watching like Kevin Feigu?

Speaker 46 Yeah, she's there. Yeah.

Speaker 136 I know.

Speaker 102 Okay, I'm going to go still, but I still won't drink it.

Speaker 79 I don't like water.

Speaker 125 Okay.

Speaker 129 Why not?

Speaker 102 It's weird, isn't it?

Speaker 66 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 81 There's a few people who've come on who don't like water in the past.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 102 Claudia Winkleman's the main person we've had who just absolutely won't drink water i don't drink it like you know when you've gone for a run and you want to gulp can't gulp is that just with water or just with water

Speaker 44 i can gulp orange juice yeah i can gulp elderflower per se

Speaker 102 the first two of two examples i can gulp golden syrup golden syrup i can gulp tea when it's at a perfect temperature i just i think i think my problem with it is this is something that we all supposedly need to drink every day of our lives and it tastes like that.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 102 Like it could taste like Eldeflapresse, but it doesn't.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 84 It doesn't.

Speaker 121 You're imbuing water here with its sort of own will.

Speaker 148 I'm just a bit pissed off in all honesty.

Speaker 1 It's like you're imagining water sat there going, I'm going to taste like this.

Speaker 170 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 102 I'm just a bit annoyed that there was no creativity in the creation of water. It was like all the things it could taste like.
It could taste like Whispering Angel.

Speaker 170 It doesn't.

Speaker 102 It could taste like, honestly, fucking anything. It could taste like anything.
And it just is a bit like...

Speaker 39 So for you, it tastes like nothing.

Speaker 11 Because Jordan Banjo said to him, he feels like he's drinking a glass of spit.

Speaker 11 That's what it makes him think of.

Speaker 170 That is intense.

Speaker 30 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But to you, it's just flavorless.

Speaker 102 No, I just, no, it's not flavorless. It's just boring.
It's just boring. And everyone's like,

Speaker 102 no, I don't want some water. Give it to me.
I didn't drink the last bit, but sure, make it overflowing.

Speaker 1 How do you cope when you're in the States then? Because especially in LA, they love to hydrate.

Speaker 102 I usually have tea from morning to lunch.

Speaker 56 And then I'll probably

Speaker 102 have a glass of wine if I'm having a lunch meeting or something.

Speaker 102 And then I should probably not do that all day because that's bad, isn't it? But I definitely dabble in other areas.

Speaker 102 It's hard though, isn't it? Being a non-water water drinker.

Speaker 1 People frown on non-water drinkers.

Speaker 102 I know, and it's so judgmental.

Speaker 102 I have a friend that carries a water bottle around with her all the time one of the massive ones no just a normal one yeah and she needs to fill it up at like tap places all the time so our day will have to be changed because she needs to go to a tap place and presumably to

Speaker 102 a tap place yeah and presumably to the toilet constantly as well yeah that's another thing okay that's actually why i don't like water another thing yeah you we all the time yeah Think of all the experiences that you're missing.

Speaker 27 Sure.

Speaker 109 Every time you have a wee.

Speaker 102 Every time you have a week, you're missing the best jokes because you need a wee. Yeah.

Speaker 102 You're missing the best scenes in movies because you need a wee.

Speaker 102 I prefer to just wee as little as often.

Speaker 119 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, you don't have to answer any of these questions if you don't want to.

Speaker 62 How often a day

Speaker 73 is the optimum amount?

Speaker 102 Guys, I do wee. You just saw I went for a week.

Speaker 124 We didn't see you.

Speaker 117 You saw it went to the toilet.

Speaker 40 For you, the optimum amount.

Speaker 1 Look, this is the dream restaurant. You can also bring the dreams to all of your functions.

Speaker 102 Okay, if I could, if I could just do like one thing a day, like if I, like all the bodily functions that we have to do and it has to be once a day, I think I'd just, I'd like to do it once a day.

Speaker 65 Just get it out of the way.

Speaker 140 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 102 But that can't happen because obviously you drink fluids to day or eating.

Speaker 27 But

Speaker 88 yeah.

Speaker 58 Well, because this is the dream meal, I don't want you like starting off with like a glass or something you don't like.

Speaker 102 I think I would go to the loo.

Speaker 141 because that's what you do. Yeah.

Speaker 102 And then I'd sit down. And since everybody loves to give you water, I'd take the water because I'm also polite and that's someone's job to come and give you some water.
And I appreciate that.

Speaker 196 But it's the dream restaurants.

Speaker 1 If you don't want water, you can have elderflower presses.

Speaker 117 Oh, yeah, I'll do that.

Speaker 75 Would you like what you were saying earlier?

Speaker 44 The dream. Yeah.

Speaker 120 Water that tastes like elderflower pressa.

Speaker 168 No, I'll have an elderflower pressse.

Speaker 100 So I don't mind those little paddock cleansers.

Speaker 46 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 122 I fucking ate a moose bouche.

Speaker 89 What the boy is that?

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 139 Well, I tried to do it on this podcast for a bit.

Speaker 57 I tried to give people a moose bushes at the beginning.

Speaker 100 No, they're just like little glasses of sick.

Speaker 41 Very chefy, isn't it?

Speaker 149 Oh, it really is.

Speaker 75 It's like, look, stop titting about.

Speaker 100 Just make me my dinner. I don't need these little glasses of puke.

Speaker 31 Well, it's supposed to get your mouth ready, right?

Speaker 108 That's the whole point.

Speaker 25 But when I turn up to dinner, my mouth's ready.

Speaker 100 Yeah, my mouth's always ready for dinner.

Speaker 46 Where's my dinner?

Speaker 72 That's in the trip when they do the, they say it's ray winston's phlegm

Speaker 46 i hate that word

Speaker 182 i love chicken wings so much that i was in dublin right are you aware of the chicken wing the dublin chicken wing wars we might have mentioned i don't know

Speaker 182 tell us about the dublin chicken wings and then have you had the uh popular comedian and television personality jason manford on there no we've not okay myself and uh mr manford were in dublin we were working in dublin for a week and it turns out that somebody now the irish aren't known for their it's not chicken wings you always associate that with the americans don't you they say um somebody put on best chicken wings in dublin this one restaurant and then another place opened up and they were like claiming they so there was these two restaurants competing for the chicken wing crown and then another one popped up and then it became this thing of like because there was queues around the block for the two places and then there was no sign of the the chicken wing mania was growing so all these people started jumping on board thinking well if there's queues around the block no need to queue so there's like 10 restaurants in dublin who all claim to be the best chicken wings all in the same the same area yeah yeah in central dublin so i said because i love chicken wings and so i said to jason i said well there because he'd heard about this and um he'd been to one of them he said oh this place is definitely the best so i said why we're here for a week right

Speaker 182 yeah we're here for a week i said why don't we eat nothing but chicken wings such an unnecessary part of the plan like like i thought oh it's gonna be you know that you try all of them you try all of them but yours is why don't we eat nothing but yeah but there's 10 restaurants i'm not i'm not gluttonous i'm gonna have the you know lunch and dinner yeah for five days yeah that's not a big stretch I mean look I do sometimes when I get a food that I like like this drink yeah sometimes I can go for weeks where I only eat that one thing yeah if you like something stick with it right until you don't like it anymore that very rarely happens it doesn't you're not burnout it's more than straight to the hypnotist it's

Speaker 31 down there it's the pocket watch comes out it's chicken wings this time okay here we go you're in the

Speaker 51 i went to dublin i tried to decide which one Do you know what chicken wing was?

Speaker 87 Oh,

Speaker 182 he made the chicken noise to stop him drinking the diet.

Speaker 16 Cook, that's triggered a chicken wing addiction.

Speaker 73 You're hanging out with Manpill again.

Speaker 94 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 182 No, so I sometimes I will eat it. I'll go through phases where I just eat like, you know, what one thing.

Speaker 182 Anyway, on this, like, for example, me and a friend of mine, we spent a week in Devon where we just went wild camping, like sleeping in farmers fields not official and we ate nothing but ambrosia rice pudding for a week and i'll tell you what i mean i love rice pudding but jesus after a week of eating that there was some that

Speaker 123 when is when was this uh probably five six years ago

Speaker 182 and we we rode our motorcycles we decided to ride around devon we made a little film about in fact it's on the internet you can see the we got some of that you know you get the rice pudding where you can it's got the milk in it.

Speaker 182 And then there's, you can also,

Speaker 77 that Ambrosia Company, they brought out the,

Speaker 182 it's rice pudding, but it's got a custard piece instead of a, and we wanted to see which one was the most appetizing to miniature horses.

Speaker 14 So we went to a,

Speaker 182 well, because there's that, down in Devon, there's a, like a Shetland pony rescue centre. So we.
we went down into the field with all the Shetland ponies.

Speaker 182 Like we put it on her because we thought we'd get the ponies to lick us, right?

Speaker 182 So so he rubbed the custody one on his face and i rubbed the regular one on my face and then we got on all fours to us not to scare the shetland ponies and then we crawled up to the ponies in the field but then we re what we realized was we should have had half of each because i might have had a more lickable face than him and it had nothing to do there's no control there yeah but then also Ponies don't like dairy.

Speaker 182 It's not a thing horses, they're not interested in dairy, they don't get it in the wild. Even shetland ponies because they can get under a cow but you know they can't

Speaker 182 suckle but what happened was we're on all fours and the shetland ponies were coming up but they were more interested because i they were on all fours so that like the trousers were a bit lower so the arse crack

Speaker 182 they were more interested in and we've been sleeping rough for a couple of years yeah they were more interested in the musty smell of the arse crack than they were from the so it was an experiment it didn't work out but still a result of the experiment though yeah yeah yeah shetland ponies prefer the smell of sweaty asses to ambrosia rice pudding yeah but that's that's no advert for the ambrosia people is it and then um ants calling leather face oh

Speaker 182 it was i mean we were sticky for it because we had no way to you know we were just washing in puddles and that so uh yeah anyway so we did that for a week hold on did you do did you put the rice pudding on your face every day for a week no that was just one day no I had pannas on my bike and we just packed it full of, we had cans that we would, we would heat it on the fire.

Speaker 182 You just put it straight on the fire. And then there was the yogurt style carton so you could eat it.

Speaker 182 But by the end of it, if you eat nothing but rice pudding for a whole week, I mean, I don't want to be vulgar about it, but

Speaker 182 we're talking Arancini by the time you pass.

Speaker 184 You know,

Speaker 182 after three days, you're doing Aranchini shits.

Speaker 46 That's not good.

Speaker 182 But anyway, so the point is...

Speaker 1 So we're going to to have to zoom out on this story.

Speaker 93 So

Speaker 40 chicken wings was how we got into that.

Speaker 119 So yeah, so yeah, so the chicken wings.

Speaker 32 So Manford and I, we spent a week.

Speaker 182 So Manford and I spent a week eating nothing but chicken wings. And he had to bail out on the Thursday because he couldn't take it anymore.
And I pressed on. And that was when I first

Speaker 14 suffered

Speaker 40 a crippling gout.

Speaker 1 You don't like the idea of one of those taps. You don't want too much technology in your house.

Speaker 105 But what about a Japanese toilet?

Speaker 1 You must want, everyone wants a Japanese toilet in the house, right?

Speaker 169 My first experience of the Japanese toilet, I got to stay in Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber's apartment in New York once while

Speaker 214 he was fond of me, I guess, because I was doing Jesus Christ Superstar, which was going well for him. And Matilda's, he owns the Cambridge Theatre.
So we've got a bit of a relationship.

Speaker 214 And I was over there,

Speaker 161 actually actually opening Matilda on Broadway and writing Groundhog Day in his apartment.

Speaker 145 I've got this fantastic photo of all my coloured sticky notes on his window overlooking Central Park in the Trump Tower.

Speaker 27 Have you heard of that guy? Anyway.

Speaker 46 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 214 And he's got one of those toilets where it's got a little nozzle and you can adjust where it's pointing and it squirts water at

Speaker 30 your pooper and all that stuff.

Speaker 161 And it's pretty, it's pretty nice.

Speaker 208 It feels like another thing that can break down and having to get

Speaker 214 your poopy squirter fixed the whole time feels like

Speaker 214 an annoyance.

Speaker 19 Yeah, sorry, mate yeah but i did there was a water pistol that fires at my anus is broken yeah do you come over and fix it yeah yeah yeah just shift your anus mate

Speaker 105 i know you wrote matilda but you can shift your anus you can at least shift your angus yeah and i definitely noticed people would disappear into the toilet and not come out for a while like it it was a sort of novelty thing where people which is a nice reason for it to happen at showbiz parties right rather than the other rather than the

Speaker 74 actually it could have been the other option and you were just very naive yeah but loves that poopy squirt the poopy squat has blasted my line off the toilet

Speaker 169 oh god i think i am really naive about that stuff yes i am

Speaker 169 like i and even though because i'm not a taker of drugs particularly but i i'm really stupid about it like i've been in this i've been playing rock and roll for a long time and I just I'm still dumb about it.

Speaker 1 Or I'll go to a party or all my actor friends like,

Speaker 161 and I'm like, well, everyone's in a good movie, right?

Speaker 85 Like, oh, Tim.

Speaker 88 Yeah, it's every time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, my girlfriend is way more well-versed in all that stuff than me.

Speaker 95 And I'll always be like, such and such was in a really weird mood earlier.

Speaker 74 She'll be like, they were on drugs.

Speaker 27 What's the matter?

Speaker 183 It was weird when that, when our friend head-butted the wall and then got back up.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 214 I was obviously feeling very resilient that night.

Speaker 138 Just going around like Will Ferrell in Elf.

Speaker 76 Just thinking everyone's nice.

Speaker 27 Pop-doms or bread. Pop-doms are bread.

Speaker 161 I didn't know that was a question. I'm not prepared.

Speaker 45 Popped up's or bread.

Speaker 119 Yeah.

Speaker 57 Oh, that was another thing. That was what I was trying to remember.

Speaker 66 I was going to ask.

Speaker 57 Has Andrew Lloyd Webber ever played his song, My Name is Andrew, to you?

Speaker 214 No, has he got a song called My Name is Andrew?

Speaker 97 Yes. No.

Speaker 58 He played it to Josh Groban.

Speaker 105 No, he didn't.

Speaker 1 I think you're getting mixed up.

Speaker 202 Josh Groban told us that when he came on the podcast, I think you made up the song, My Name is Andrew, from memory.

Speaker 2 Well, I'll let you be the judge of who do you think made this song?

Speaker 94 Me or Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Speaker 3 He played it to Josh Groban and it goes, My name is Andrew.

Speaker 172 Hello, hello, hello.

Speaker 27 I have shoes and I have to go.

Speaker 72 She might be in it.

Speaker 2 I have feet and I have to go.

Speaker 214 I think that sounds quite good.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 41 I think maybe Josh Groban made it up.

Speaker 118 Oh, he told me that.

Speaker 56 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Like Josh.

Speaker 77 Groves. Grob's probably made up

Speaker 118 as well. Parts of his angel Weber.

Speaker 169 Andrew's quite eccentric, but that feels right.

Speaker 122 Doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah.
Right, you've got to be.

Speaker 129 Yeah, you've got to be that good.

Speaker 125 You've got to be.

Speaker 127 And he's very young when he was that good.

Speaker 214 I mean, I think getting sort of really respected and famous young, it's,

Speaker 105 I mean, the people I know to whom that happened are the most sort of destabilized people I know.

Speaker 214 Not that Andrew's unstable, it's just like it's strange for your personality.

Speaker 120 It's hard to know how to be.

Speaker 1 Well, being brilliant and then also having to work extremely hard when you're that young, I think,

Speaker 51 spins everyone out a bit.

Speaker 66 How old was he?

Speaker 214 I think he wrote a superstar at 21.

Speaker 66 What? Wow.

Speaker 76 That's younger than Jesus.

Speaker 2 Isn't the play.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 134 Jesus didn't do it. A dozen years.

Speaker 73 Jesus

Speaker 73 is smoking cones at 21.

Speaker 118 That's his wilderness years.

Speaker 73 Hanging on.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm worried that he put sticky notes on his window, to be honest.

Speaker 174 How did you get off the residue?

Speaker 22 Well, I don't think the sticky notes leave much residue.

Speaker 214 That's the point of them, right?

Speaker 77 It's not like I glued notes to the window.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I still wouldn't put them on glass, especially on a big window overlooking.

Speaker 145 Well, I feel like he has a person who cleans those windows, like floor-to-ceiling windows.

Speaker 46 Tim Rice. Yeah.

Speaker 19 Tim Rice, yeah. yeah yeah he uses

Speaker 11 Tim Rice to soak up red wine spills yeah yeah either that or you crank the poop shooter up to 11 and just angle it right out the bathroom

Speaker 1 so that's it for part one part two is out drum roll tomorrow

Speaker 1 we'll leave you with a message from Kathy Burke

Speaker 1 Fuck off.

Speaker 100 You're not in my mouth.

Speaker 16 You check your feed and your account.

Speaker 18 You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

Speaker 15 You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

Speaker 20 So you check check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

Speaker 22 In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Speaker 24 At Certipro Painters, we know that a happy place comes in many colors, like ones that inspire a sense of wonder or a new flavor that makes life just a little bit sweeter.

Speaker 24 or one to celebrate those moments that lift you to new heights at home or at work. We'll make your happy place your own.
CertiPro Painters. That's Painting Happy.

Speaker 24 Each Certipro Painters business is independently owned and operated. Contractor license and registration information is available at Certipro.com.

Speaker 25 Oh, hi, James.

Speaker 8 Have you heard the news?

Speaker 46 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 13 Go on.

Speaker 51 You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

Speaker 117 This is embarrassing.

Speaker 1 Why is it embarrassing, man? You love YouTube?

Speaker 3 I love watching clips on YouTube. Sure.

Speaker 4 Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes.

Speaker 92 But it's embarrassing, man.

Speaker 1 It's not embarrassing at all. It's really cool.
We're on YouTube with the great and good. The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Speaker 205 Me, you, Logan Paul.

Speaker 4 Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

Speaker 4 At Off Menu Podcast.

Speaker 3 That's what Benito's calling us now.

Speaker 130 And we're on TikTok.

Speaker 92 This is embarrassing, man.

Speaker 1 It's not embarrassing, man. We're cool.
We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

Speaker 3 And Ed. People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

Speaker 4 They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Speaker 120 Oh, Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube. He's going to do it.

Speaker 1 Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok, at Off Menu Podcast, on YouTube. You can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

Speaker 1 People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it. Full video episodes.

Speaker 9 So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.