Best of 2023: Part 2

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

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Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the second part of our best of 2023 episodes of Off Menu, James.

That's what we're listening to.

Best of 2,223 episodes.

I didn't even know we'd done that many.

You must be finishing off the cleaning now.

Yeah, I hope so.

James, if you're listening,

look, this is a whole other episode.

So maybe give the house another once over.

Yeah.

If you're getting to the end now, you know, just do it again.

Make sure it's spic and span.

So maybe you won't have to clean again until next year.

Like the whole house would be fine.

Now, we love a character enough menu.

Our guests didn't disappoint this year either, James.

Not just us doing the great characters.

No, not just us doing the great characters.

Also, Judy Love, Carol Vordeman, Paul Rudd, and the first person to do an entire episode in character, Garth Marenghi.

Oh, with a good bit of butter.

And I love my, is it presidential butter?

It's got the salt in it.

It's got the presentation.

Oh, yeah, the president, I think.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

President.

Oh, my.

Oh, I've changed.

I've changed.

Oh, my God.

I've changed.

That butter is amazing.

Yeah, with the chunks of salt in it.

Oh, my God.

I just see myself in waitrose.

Yeah.

Walking down the freezer aisle.

The butter at New York.

And I just reach for my...

What's it called?

President, I think.

President, butter.

Lower it into the cart.

Yes.

Wander around alcohol.

Looking for a nice mailbox.

Oh, a few olives.

Oh, life, life.

Forever changing.

I like this character.

Yeah, yeah.

Love this character.

Life.

Life.

Just wandering endlessly and effortfully.

Effortlessly.

You know the word I'm trying to say.

Effortless effortlessly.

Ironically taking a lot of effort, design this word.

Effortlessly.

Through the aisles, my olives and soft knead soda bread.

My prison on sore bread, no butter, salt.

America.

Argentine and Melbourne.

Delightful and deep and rich.

And magazine might buy a home life.

Home and farm life.

Magazine.

What happened in the middle?

My bonbour jacket.

Is that what it's called?

Bonbo?

Bottom jackets and bonbour jackets.

I don't know what the jackets are.

Barber, barber.

Barb Barber jackets.

Maybe a north first.

Maybe one of those.

Oh, she's absolutely love it.

Judy,

can you please do an episode of Loose Women where you just do this character

and you do it under a different name?

What would I call her?

What would I call that character?

She'd have to be Mrs.

Something.

Or Lady something.

Lady something.

Yeah.

It'd be better if I call her lady, but I'd have to use like a patwa, which is Jamaican slang, so that people Jamaican would know what that word is but nobody else would you've just got people saying this word yeah yeah which is like absurd but people just call it yeah it'd have to be something like that i don't know this character is just in me sometimes that's great it's a great character love it i think i mean what pack what could you could you use well there's the normals in it like bumber clerk rascal they don't make people know those ones yeah i think people know those

so i've got a five they even use those words in lakanda yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah we say that in lakanda before

See, that little bit of spice, and you're swimming over to Shakanda.

You see that?

Oh my god.

I mean, I'd have to find a word.

I'd have to think.

Maybe by the end of the day, I'll find a word.

And lady will have a name.

So a word that could kind of mean Lali Da.

Yeah.

Well to do.

Shack up on them.

So that's like show off on them or something like that.

That could be double barreled.

Double barrel.

Check out on them.

Maybe my name is Lady Shagard on it.

You would never know.

Shack out on them.

Yeah.

Lady, check out on them.

Not saying that's an official name, but we'll work through it.

So all like uncles, step family, everybody's farmers.

Yeah.

First boyfriend was a chicken farmer, Rick the Chick.

What?

Rick the Chick.

Rick the Chick.

Ricky, his name was.

He was a chicken farmer.

Yes, yeah.

So why, if he was a chicken farmer, why do people call him Rick the Chick?

No, Rick the Chick, you have Billy the Milk.

You have...

Yeah.

What you have to understand.

But he was a chicken farmer.

Why is he a chick chick now

because he's the chicken farmer but then he should have been rick the rick the chicken farmer what no but he's not a chicken is he say that that makes you think chick is short chick is short for chicken farmer that makes me think he's going to be a chicken ricky the chicken farmer yeah he's the chick rick and farmer the chicken farmer

you want me to be called that yeah definitely yeah rick and farmer does that just he makes me think he's a chick in wales is yeah that a lot of people have the same surname yes so you have to distinguish and a lot of people have the same first name.

So a very common name would be like David Jones, for instance.

And so and a lot of people would be that.

It's like even in

our rugby scrum, we've got Wynne Jones and Alan Wynne Jones.

Yeah.

Two entirely separate people.

So that's how normal it is.

So you distinguish.

Win the rugby and Alan win the rugby.

No, you might say the

ball.

Yeah.

Or you might, you know, you'd give it so.

So, it's like my stepfather was, um, who's my dad, who's Italian, who was Italian prisoner of war, Italian food.

We're coming on to that, and he had uh, Die Ginge, so it was David, and they all had the same.

So, Di Ginge would work with my dad, and then there would be Die the Spark, or as you would prefer to call him, David the Electrician.

Yeah, yeah, that's why

did you have a nickname, Carol?

Yeah, but I'm not telling you

because that would go viral.

Really?

So your dream drink?

Is it brown?

It would be brown, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It'd be a pine of Guinness.

Ah, very deep brown.

Yeah.

The deepest of brown.

I mean, yeah, you're right, because

it looks black in the glass.

But then if you really look, that's brown.

Yeah.

Almost red brown.

Yeah, yeah.

You're absolutely right.

It's the nectar of the guards.

Yeah.

Huge respect for this.

Fantastic.

This was in the Ed Stream menu.

It was instead of water, though.

I didn't have it as my dream drink.

I had it instead of the water.

So he didn't choose still

sparkling.

He chose a pine of spinnerless.

A pine of Guinness.

Yeah.

Or a still sparkling.

I think it's more hydrating than water.

It's good for you.

It is good for you.

People drink it after marathons because it's got so many great nutrients.

You know,

after childbirth,

when my wife gave birth to our first child, you had a pine of Guinness.

I had a pine of Guinness.

And I felt great.

I felt like I ran a marathon.

It's funny you should say.

Yeah, I gave her a pine of Guinness.

She had a pine of Guinness.

And my mom did the same thing.

She gave her a pine of Guinness.

She was smashed.

I was like, huh, come on.

We've got a baby.

You got to take care of it.

She's like, woo!

Babe.

Just a queue of people out the door.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Everyone just pushes dropping.

Who's the lady that likes Guinness?

Do you want the shamblock in the top of the Guinness?

No, I don't need any of that touristy garbage.

Yeah.

No.

Quite right.

No.

But it needs to be poured properly because people don't know how to pour Guinness.

Yeah, yeah.

Because there's a real, there's a real way to do it.

Here's something that if you're in a pub and you see somebody pouring a Guinness, and they have to, you know, you take it up, you leave a little bit of space and then you let it rest for,

I believe the optimum time is a minute, 19 and a half seconds.

I think there really is an optimum time.

Yeah.

And then instead of pulling the tap, you push the tap forward to finish it off.

Something about nitrogen release and that kind of thing.

And there's a, and that's the way you do it.

Wow.

And people don't know that.

I mean a lot of people like you could see people pouring Guinnesses in bars and you just think like this.

Yeah, they're doing it all in one.

Yeah.

You don't know until it's too late.

You've ordered the Guinness.

Are you ever there with your head in your hands?

Oh, fuck this.

I'm like, I'm going to have to grin and bear it.

I'm going to drink it.

I'm not going to send it back because that doesn't seem agreeable.

No.

Yeah.

You're right.

You can't send it back.

It would be, I mean, if you say,

I need you to pour me a new one, you didn't pour that right.

I can't think of like, I I would feel like, I mean, I would never do that because I would feel like it's just a huge jerk.

But if somebody that was next to me said, you got to pour me, you didn't pour right, I would say, that guy's my hero.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Way to go.

Yeah, there are people who do that.

Yeah.

But I would say that that is off-limits to you now.

You can't do it.

No, no, I can't.

I can't.

No, absolutely.

Paul though, to tell me to be pulled the Guinness.

Yeah.

That's it.

Yeah.

It's one of the downsides of fame, I guess.

It's probably the biggest downside of fame.

I can't ask people to pour me a Guinness the right way.

Yeah.

You just have to put up with it.

Thankfully, I'm getting them free now anyway, because I'm just

famous.

I would respect the guy who did it, who made them pour it again.

But then I would keep quiet about that and I would catch eyes with the member of bar stuff who'd made do it.

And I'd go like,

roll your eyes.

I'd be like, what a dwat.

What a douche.

Yeah.

And I would feel bad for the bartender.

Yeah.

I feel bad for, yeah.

I feel bad.

Look, here's the thing.

I feel bad for everybody involved.

Yeah.

It's a real situation that we've got on our hands.

Do you have because people are obsessed with specific places being good for a pint of Guinness.

There are some pubs that are really, yeah, that are, they pour a really good pint.

It's an interesting thing that I learned because people, when the States, if they're going over to Ireland, they say, oh, you have to have the Guinness there.

It's better there.

They make it differently.

And that's not true.

They don't make it differently.

In fact, the Guinness that you're drinking in the States or anywhere else, it was made there.

But it's been sent over in kegs.

And when you're you're drinking it, even though it's totally fine, chances are it was made two months ago.

And when you're in Ireland, chances are it was made two days ago.

And so that's why it tastes so good.

Yeah.

And like, I mean, is that what you'd like for your dream meal?

I'd like to be drinking.

I am in Ireland drinking it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, the Guinness, the first ever Guinness I had in Dublin was just mind-blowing.

Yeah.

Like, oh, this is.

completely different to anything I've had.

They look after the taps and the lines and all of that.

They have like inspect Guinness Inspectors.

Absolutely.

It's a really serious business.

Yeah.

And yeah, cleaning the lines and doing all of that and doing it the right way.

But yeah, people going in and checking.

I love it.

Well, there's also the brewmaster.

One time years ago, I met the brewmaster at the Guinness storehouse in Dublin.

And he said,

sometimes he's been in pubs and then...

the bartenders will get really nervous.

They know who he is.

It's like having a food critic show.

And they're really making sure they're pouring it properly.

And yeah,

they're stressed out.

It's a real thing to go over and have all of that stuff inspected and checked out.

Yeah.

You met the brewmaster.

Were you nervous to meet the brewmaster?

I was not nervous, but I was excited.

And he's the one that told me about the minute and

19 and a half seconds.

And I poured one with him.

And he gave me a certificate that says I know how to pour properly.

I think they give it to everybody that shows up, but it didn't matter.

I felt like a cool kid and score.

You don't get the certificate.

You didn't pour it properly.

Imagine that.

I failed.

No certificate for you.

Yeah.

You gotta earn it.

We take it seriously around here.

See you later.

You come back again.

You gotta wait three months before you go.

Yeah.

Still just got your provisionalized.

Yeah, you've got to go and do a theory test.

Yeah.

Where there's like a video of someone pouring Guinness and you have to

hit the screen when they do something wrong.

No, you got to, it's a six-month course.

And you really do.

Yeah,

it's grueling.

And once you fail, if you fail once, it's back to the end of the line.

And how was that Guinness that you poured yourself with the Brewmaster present under that supervision?

It was perfect.

So do you want that exact Guinness for your...

You want the Brewmaster supervised?

I'd like the Brewmaster to pour me one.

Oh, yeah.

Of course.

Of course.

Yeah, that Brewmaster will pour you up a lovely Guinness.

Yeah.

That's what they say.

If you were offered to play the Brewmaster in a film, would you do that?

I don't think I'd get cast in that part.

I think they'd have to go Irish

because they take it so seriously.

But if they said you can do the accent,

I'd say, right.

And I'd say,

okay, one, two, three.

Yes, I'll take it.

I'll do the part.

That's great.

Yeah, I would.

I'd love to do it.

And then I would go there and really do a lot of research.

Yep.

Yep.

It's nice to know how quickly you take the part, though.

Yeah.

James gave no other details.

It was just like, we'd like you to play the brewmaster in a film.

Yeah.

And you've gone.

Yeah.

Oh, when do you guys start shooting, by the way?

Yeah.

It's pretty soon.

Who else is in it?

Ashton B, obviously.

Of course.

Yeah, yeah.

And

all the Gleesons are in it.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

All of the Gleesons.

Donald, Brendan, Jackie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're all in it.

They're all in it.

Everyone else is Ira.

Joanna.

Everyone else is Ira.

And it's about, and I'm sure you're all aware of this.

I'm sure you're aware of the history of it all, all, but it's about the killing speed that the brewmaster went on.

Yeah, no, it's fun.

It really kind of checks a lot of bosses.

I get to do an Irish accent.

I get to be a killer.

Yeah, yeah.

He would take people to the brink of death and then he'd wait one minute, 19 seconds, and then he'd finish them off.

Yeah.

And then he would actually take the knife and push it forward once it was buried in their chest and not back to let the gases from the heart expel in the right way.

And yeah no he took it really seriously yeah yeah he wonders why people get nervous when he's around

you're fucking murderer yeah yeah it's nothing to do with like getting the pouring right now

as a child though you must have enjoyed halloween and trick-or-treating um yes i did but i again i was always writing halloween wasn't as big a thing when i was younger you know it was an american thing it's more guy forks was the you know bonfire night was was the thing so there was a lot of uh setting things alight that i enjoyed did you ever set anything alight that like really sticks in your head as like the best thing that well we set a light a local tramp once but we were caught now this feeds into my book in incarcerator okay yeah yeah okay i'm not just being frivolous yes yeah yeah yeah right it there's there's the third story in this yeah the randy man

that's about a tramp where he wasn't actually set alight in the story he's not set alight in the story he's actually drowned um He works in a toilet.

He's a toilet attendant and he works in a toilet block and local kids pump the outlet pipes back into the toilet block and drown him in sewage.

That was a variation on an experience I had as a child where my friends, my mates and I decided to set fire to a local hobo because they do like fire.

This is the thing.

They're always around.

Yeah.

You know, when you see them in films, they're always standing around a fire.

Yeah.

so because they like fire yeah yeah now i'm not saying what i did was right it was wrong no no no it was wrong

we didn't know then that they need the fire to keep warm yeah we didn't understand that then we just thought they like they like this stuff yeah

so do we what can we do yeah no i understand that yeah how do you want this beef cooked what's uh what sort of level

um medium rare medium rare yeah all of it if you're going to do the heart yeah rare yeah i like i like absorbing that pure but most other stuff i i i you know i do like just be again you've got to be a little bit careful where it's come from you don't know what can exist in in uncooked meat so you've got to be got to be careful i can see through the glass your public sisters going haywire i think it's because of the the story you told a second ago about the um the homeless person yeah uh well you'll cut that out i presume well it's up to you i mean you said it's in that interview

you asked me let's get it out the way it is there is nothing i am saying.

When I say that I was wrong,

I'm right.

I was wrong.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What was the question when we talked about that anyway?

Well, we asked, what's your favorite thing?

You sure you said favourite?

I think what did you say?

Well, maybe the thing that you most regret,

we'll have to listen back to it.

I'm pretty sure I didn't say the thing you most regret.

I think it was in the sort of area of favourite.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was definitely one of the...

I mean,

most vivid thing I remember setting it on fire.

Yeah, it's vivid.

But you've said that you acknowledged it was wrong.

Yeah.

It was completely wrong.

Yeah.

And, you know, I got stiffly told off.

Who told you off?

I think his mother.

There we go.

Some people, James, didn't even realise Garth was a character, which is I think what we were hoping for.

Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what we were hoping for.

And

anyone who did get angry at the episode, we are glad.

Yes.

But there's one person who doesn't like characters of any type, especially cartoons, is Alex Jones.

But that's the regularity thing, I think, as well.

It's like every Wednesday, what we're having corned beef hash.

And then you move away and you realise you can have whatever you like on any night of the week.

But then Wednesday rolls around and you're like.

I missed that corned beef hash.

Yeah.

I know.

Like Monday was lasagna and salad day

for years.

Great.

About 20 years.

Monday was.

Yeah.

And, you know, that's not a bad Monday, is it?

Garfield loves lasagna but doesn't like Mondays.

Yeah.

So that would be crazy for Garfield.

Garfield doesn't know what's going on.

Well, but that would be Garfield.

He'll come back to that.

That would surely be the way.

Yeah.

To help Garfield like Mondays.

Perfect for Garfield.

Because he looked forward to it.

Give him a lasagna on a Monday, turn him around.

What do you mean Garfield doesn't know what's going on?

Garfield, honestly.

He used to annoy the shit out of me.

I don't know why.

Everybody loved Garfield.

I was like, what's the big deal?

God.

So annoying.

Why did he annoy you?

I don't know.

He was quite negative, wasn't he?

Yeah, very negative.

Yeah, negative.

Everything's a problem.

God, shut up, Garfield.

Yeah, everything is a problem too.

It's not nice to Odie the dog, and that's quite a nice one.

You know, I just think you could do with better energy.

Yeah, yeah.

What would you do if you had to interview Garfield on the one show?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, he wouldn't even get past the flipping security door.

No, we'd pin a poppy straight into him.

Take that, Garfield.

It's not even remembering Sunday.

Yeah.

And you raise a toast to Alex when you're there?

Yeah, of course.

Well, think of me.

Yeah.

Order a bottle.

I'll say happy birthday

to Alex Jones.

And she'd be like, who?

She loves the Dauphinacia.

She doesn't think it's right for a Sunday.

She hates Garfield.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry, I think that's all right.

Trivia.

Yeah, yeah, that's why it's not controversial.

No, somebody bought me a Garfield calendar.

It was a joke.

So misguided.

How old were you when they did that?

Oh, quite young.

And then, speaking of calendars, do you know the other one that somebody bought me?

And I don't.

I actually, no, worse.

I've just watched the service, so it's in my hair.

Um,

Beavis, be the beevis, bevis, and buttered.

I mean,

what?

Was it the same person who bought you those calendars?

No.

I was lost for words.

I was not expecting that.

How old were you when you got bought the Beavers and Butthead calendar?

Probably about, I don't know, 14.

Like, I couldn't be anywhere further from Beavis and Butted.

But somehow, somebody'd gone into flipping W.H.

Smith or Woolworth or whatever at the time and thought, oh, she's going to love it.

I know.

Do you remember any of the, I mean,

they're pretty colourful characters, Beavers and Butthead.

Do you remember any of the months and what they were doing on them?

I just remember a lot of yellow and turquoise kind of colour and angry faces.

And no, bin.

With the Garfield calendar, did they take the opportunity to do a little joke with all the Mondays were like, you know, scrubbed out or something?

Did they?

Yeah, there was that.

There was a cross on all the Mondays.

Great.

But it's not that funny.

There was this.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, it's the same joke 52 times.

Yeah, yeah.

Did that go in the bin as well?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, straight in the bin.

Garfield's a bit of a bad.

Straight in the bin.

Yeah.

What would have been the calendar you would have liked to receive?

Yeah, I don't know.

One of them with, you know, little kittens or, you know, kittens in a basket, or I don't know.

There was a thing called Forever Friends, and I had a wall planner, Forever Friends, Wall Planner.

I used to love that.

Or, you know, I don't know.

I mean, new kids on the block.

New kids on the block.

Yeah.

Well, that is.

You want kittens or forever friends?

Or new kids?

Garfield's a cat.

Hand beef and butthead are forever friends.

Yeah, come on.

Nice try.

What more do you want?

Nice try.

and then and then

we were talking on the show the other day about bill and ted oh that's another pair i can't bear

i can't bear

it's just not me and i'm sure they're very nice people bill and ted yeah yeah yeah yeah bill and ted are nice people

yeah they do they just want to even call my child ted but i want everyone to be excellent to each other but i don't want a bill and ted calendar you would have bought it no i mean that's how have we got to calendars from beef wellington

i bought up garfield again because it's funny that you don't like garfield and then we've discovered you also don't like beavers and butthead and bill intent

it's worth it it's very specific isn't it yeah i feel bad now they probably are very well i mean you don't like two men who hang around together a lot and are best friends uh and love rock music

well actually when you put it like that it's like my husband and his best friend trevor

Hey, Trevor?

Who the kids call?

Uncle Treasure.

That's not his name.

What's your husband's name?

Charlie.

So Charlie and Trevor is a bit like Beavers and Butterhead, isn't it?

Yeah, although, yeah, they are.

Actually, they really are.

Maybe that's why I'm so annoyed with Beavers and Butterhead.

What would you do if you got a Charlie and Trevor calendar?

Oh, my goodness.

Ben,

Ben, Ben.

He was our best man.

I love him dearly.

Yeah.

I love him to death.

Uncle Treasure.

He's lovely, but together.

I think that's one of your favourite moments from the year, isn't it, James?

This is what I love this, the best of.

Yeah.

Because, like, these are all the highlights, and I'd forgotten that she hates Garfield and Beavers and Butthead.

That was funny.

But listen, Ed, we've had a few hot takes on the podcast, not just about Garfield and Beavers and Butthead.

Look, podcasts are edgy these days, and we are no stranger to being edgy, James.

We've got to put clickbait out there in the world, just like, you know, we're not above that, is what we're saying.

Too right.

Let's hear from Paul Meskel, Ross Noble, Papa Esseadou, Harriet Kemsley, Arlo Parks, Jimmy Famarewa, Paul Rudd, Carrie Adler, Dr.

Maggie Adren, Pocock, Graham Coxon, Harriet Kemsley again, and Nick Frost.

I don't think I'm into this whole like foods looking like other foods because I've been deceived before

when recently

we were at this like fancy dinner, like an awards show thing, and they brought out this thing that looked like an, I was starving, they brought out this thing that looked like an apple kind of salad, like little garnishes around it.

I was like, love apple.

yeah and I made a mistake where like I put my fork into it and I thought it was like oh it was poached so it was kind of soft and put in and it was pate

I can't do pate it's like disgusting and I was like I was deceived especially not surprise pate right yeah nobody wants surprise

and like and it sticks to your mouth yeah and you're at like a fancy dinner so you can't be like what the fuck is this

I just got an image of you sat there at the awards ceremony, the only person enthusiastic about the food.

Everyone else is so jaded and they bring over that and you go, go i love apples i love apples

i ate potpourri at a shrikan restaurant once

i don't think we've heard this no i didn't think of it until now when paul said that he's been stung in the past i was like oh yeah i remember that that reminds me of when my entire family went to the gurkhas together actually i don't think it was sharang but anyway went to the gurkhas nepalese probably yes nepalese yes that's it that's right yeah went to the gurkhas and uh

there was some potpourri at the end of the table.

And I thought,

as a whole family, actually, we all agreed we weren't sure

what it was.

And I was like, but it looks delicious.

I went in, had a mouthful of the wind.

Don't eat it.

No.

It's floral.

Here's the problem.

Right.

I won't, I won't eat mango, right?

It's too tropical.

it's it's it's just too it's too tropical what so what's the issue with it being too tropical for you you don't want to get ideas above your stage

i don't want to be transported to the to the mangrove no towards the towards the end of his life my father developed uh i would say an unhealthy obsession with mango eating it not you know i didn't just have him around the place and he had uh yeah like mango chutneys and dried mango and he a lot of mangoes and then and there's never been a thing in his life before you've never seen him eat a mango no no he'd never especially i mean he was finding it difficult to eat and i think the mango

mango might that's going to be dark innovation it might just be that mango is the thing that is mixed into food that's easy to to eat but he i opened the fridge and he had an unhealthy amount of mango flavoured yogurt yeah and i just thought it's too it's too i'd never really thought about mango before that and i went it's too much mango and i just and then i when i thought about i thought i don't i i it's it's too tropical for me but i do like the mango chutney yeah on a popadom so interesting i mean i mean you'd have to ask a psychiatrist about that to work

a psychiatrist if they just yeah if i may listen to that clip would go i think it's more that it reminds him of the end of his father's life rather than yeah yeah maybe i don't think the tropical thing is an issue.

But you did look at the mango and you went, it is too tropical.

You separately then thought, Do I like mango this much?

No, it's too bad.

Nobody wasn't dead at that point, though.

But you said towards the end of his life, he suddenly started eating loads of mangoes all the time.

So, what you're saying, that like, what?

So, you mean, like, I opened the fridge and went, there's too much mango in this.

Obviously, that now you would associate the mango.

Yeah, but at the time,

by the time you decided,

I'm off board with mangoes because you opened the fridge and there there was too many mango yogurts.

Yeah.

But then equally, some might say, if I was to eat mango now, it would transport me back to a time when my father was alive.

Yeah.

So

I don't think that makes it less.

Does that make it less tropical then?

Because it's not transporting you to

tropical climates.

It's transporting you back to when your father was alive.

It's a difficult situation, isn't it?

What else is too tropical for you, Ross?

Oh, blimey.

I would say, like, Lilt is fine.

Right.

Even though that's their brand.

Well, that's totally tropical.

That's their whole brand, Ross.

But hang on.

Totally tropical.

No, no.

But it's not too tropical, is it?

Right.

It's totally tropical.

It's completely tropical.

If they released, you know, like, say, like a diet beverage, would be like a less sugary version.

Yeah.

They don't do.

Well, say, like, Red Bull.

You've got Red Bull, then you've got sugar-free Red Bull, and then you've got lua caffeine Red Bull.

So Lilt is totally tropical.

that's the right amount of tropical but if somebody said do you want to lilt and i think i'm feeling a little bit tropical i feel tropical right i just want the right amount of tropical but then some idiot comes out of the kitchen yeah they've hollowed out a pineapple absolutely and they've poured the lilt into it yeah yeah whoa yeah yeah it's too tropical that is too tropical so you never drink out of a pineapple nah or a coconut

yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean i don't know if if you had to pour lilt into a coconut, is that too tropical?

Well, the liquid itself is still totally tropical, right?

Yes.

But then combined with the vessel, it's too tropical.

Yeah, it's too tropical.

It's too tropical.

Yeah.

Are you aware that Caulston Press have released basically their own kind of Lilt?

What?

So that they've...

Do you want to give some background?

Yes.

So for the listener, you already know.

If you listen to enough episodes, that I've obsessed with Corston Press and love Ruby Corston Press.

The nice nice people at Causton Press sent us a lot of cans of it recently as a result.

Ross came here today, opened the fridge to get a soft drink out, was not prepared to see that much Causton Press

and punched the air and said yes with many S's on the end of yes.

And then told us that you're addicted to it at the minute.

Absolutely addicted to it.

But you know what?

I'm ashamed to say it that I did not know the brand.

Because I've just been buying it at the Marks and Spencer's Motorway Services and I saw the rhubarb you know i've started the tour and uh you know i've been in australia and i've come back and i've seen hang on a rhubarb beverage what which is not tropical at all you know what if anything it has the um taste of the allotment about it

if anything it's the opposite

if you were to pour lilt and it's like if you know like equalizing acidity if you were to pour the rhubarb press into you know like mix that with lilt it would just taste like water the tropical the totally tropical taste yeah and the total you know rhubarb grown indoors in the dark yeah the opposite of the the yeah the opposite of tropical they're gonna cancel each other out what would happen if you poured rhubarb corst and press into a coconut i think that would be a neutral that would be a tropical vessel yeah

tropical vessel allotment drink allotment drink pour them together i think if you're the sort of of person who wanted to drink from a coconut and was thinking to themselves, like,

oh,

I want to drink from a coconut.

I like the look of it, but I don't want people to think that I'm some sort of tropical lardy da.

Yeah.

Then pour a bit of that rhubarb in and people go, oh, look at you.

All tropical.

You go, have a sip of that.

I'll give you that.

Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

And then you win that one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

You're fierce.

I love cheese so much.

And if I have it in the house, it just gets eaten in one sitting.

Oh, so you literally can't be in the presence of it?

I can't be in the presence of it.

I can't have it at home anyway.

I have it when I go.

You really are the opposite to me.

I used to sell the cheese off my pizza when I was at school.

What?

What?

What do you mean, what?

That's it.

That's it.

That was the end.

It was short for what do you mean?

So you would sell the cheese off your pizza?

Yeah, when I was at school, school dinners, you get what?

You get like two slices of...

I wouldn't say it was like high-quality pizza, but it resembles pizza at least knife under the cheese cut it off yeah who wants some i'm swapping it for what three freddos yeah i'm swapping it for some good fine gums i'm swapping it for maybe even a cookie wow so you're money 50p 50p for the cheese yeah i mean that's a good market for it that's really that's really good 50p people love cheese like you've got

it i'd be absolutely snapping that cheese bankrupt yeah who was buying the chip like did you have a main customer who would always do it?

Or were you different people every time?

Good question.

You know what?

It goes to the highest bidder.

Yeah.

I would think that you'd establish someone who they always want the cheese.

You'd think someone would always be following me in the lunch queue.

You'd have like a mate who they would always get it from you.

Someone who's got a real problem, would you?

Yeah, he's like, there you go.

It's the standard.

It's part of the routine at lunchtime.

50p gets their cheese.

Yeah, no,

I was quite democratic with it, I would say.

I would say, like, I mean, there are probably more cheese lovers than cheese haters out there, so you can spread love, don't you?

Well, especially if it's pizza day, right?

Yeah, but I mean, I suppose the sad thing is, on the other side of that, is then you have cheeseless pizza.

The bread's not high quality, the tomato sauce is not high quality.

There's now no toppings because the toppings went with the cheese.

Well, you put a Freddo on yours.

Yeah, yeah.

Melting very quickly.

So you would just have tomato bread.

Tomato bread, yeah.

I'm saying it like I wasn't happy about it.

I was really happy.

happy.

You were having some cheese.

You know what?

I genuinely imagined being the kid who bought the extra cheese and got excited about the idea of putting an extra layer of cheese on top of my pizza.

Cheese on cheese.

Yeah.

Being like, oh yeah, this is the best day at school ever.

It's exciting.

Yeah, that might be exciting for you.

That's why I love pepperoni feast from Pizza Hut so much.

Double pepperoni, double cheese.

Is it?

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Didn't know that about the pizza hits.

Pepperoni feast is double cheese, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Layer of pepperoni on the tomato, then cheese, then pepperoni then cheese from memory well then i would assume it would be tomato cheese pepperoni cheese pepperoni that's what i would assume that is better actually i'll just assume that yeah yeah yeah yeah mad to put the pepperoni

it's like a pepperoni pizza with then another layer of cheese yeah yeah yeah no i i think you're both right why would you put the pepperoni on the bottom that's absolutely crazy but if you did so let's say you went to a pizza hut yeah and you got the pepperoni feast and there's two layers of cheese on there yeah are you selling that for a quid or are you selling each layer separately?

Well, first of all, I think what I'm ideally going to try and do, I'm trying to do pepperoni, pepperoni, cheese, cheese so that I get rid of the cheese in one fell sweet sweet and still get the toppings.

Do you know what I mean?

And then, yeah, like it's going, it's going for at least a pound.

So you're going to have a word with the kitchen before they make it?

You're going to say, can you please?

Well, I think all of us need to have a word with the kitchen to see like

what is the technique going on here.

What's the deal?

But like, yeah,

I'd definitely be like, I'm trying to probably get a business out here.

You tell Pizza pizza hut that you're trying to get a business going i'm trying to make a profit

what you're doing here oh pizza hut is that still thing yeah can you still go walk into a pizza hut i think you can ketrin you can yeah

pizza hut on the roundabout there's a roundabout in ketrin big roundabout and if you go on it there's a pub there's pizza hut there's nando's some mcdonald's and then there's a gym on this roundabout

you work your way around yeah you can see the business sense yeah they know what they're doing yeah yeah they know what they're doing absolutely Banana Krispies.

I absolutely hate bananas.

Banana cocoa pops.

Banana like rice crispies.

Banana, no.

No banana.

It's like it's like genuinely a phobia, I think.

Yeah.

Real bananas as well as banana flavor.

Banana flavor is actually better than actual bananas.

Like there's like the thought of a banana in a waste paper basket is

Yeah, that's too specific for Ed.

He nearly choked with his drink there.

Sorry, I was having a sip of water.

The thought of banana in the waste paper basket.

Do you know how it creeps out?

Like they'll always, or it could be like over the side, like the way that it like displays itself.

Yeah.

It's so someone, if you saw someone throwing from across the room a banana skin into a waste paper basket.

And this is another thing where people know that like they find it funny to like wave them in my face because they know that I don't like it.

But like it's genuinely, I just don't trust it.

What about in a cartoon when someone slips over on a banana skin?

How do you feel about it?

That's the origin of your craft.

That's the origin of comedy.

It's the original comedian, the banana skin.

You say you don't like it.

You wouldn't have a job if it wasn't for that.

Yeah, but maybe it's my enemy, you know.

Maybe that's what it is.

It's like, um, it's like that's my kryptonite, maybe that we like work against each other.

And I'm just trying to genuinely walk down the road.

Yeah.

And then there's a banana peel.

What would you do if banana skin jumped out of you?

I would, that would really be bad.

But like a costume would probably be fine, but it's the way that they turn brown sometimes and then like the texture and then the inside

and how people eat them, I just find so upsetting.

What do you mean?

well they just like i don't know like they just eat it it's just like like i don't know how they eat them so none of this is about the taste of banana well i think one of the things is i'm allergic to a lot of fruit i actually think i'm not allergic to being a banana so it is unfortunate that i don't like banana but yeah i i just i don't like how they peel them and they eat them like it just like they hold it i don't know it's just yeah yeah yeah do you do that everyone in the world

but um

for some people what do you think about this because this is how monkeys do it.

And then some people copy this, hold the banana.

It's worse would be upside down.

So they hold it by the stalk bit.

No.

So it's like a little handle.

And then they peel it at the top and they eat it.

It makes more sense because then you get the little spiny bit out the top.

And you've got a little handle.

Yeah.

I don't even.

Yeah.

I don't even know if I know what the spiny bit is.

Like, I really stay away from them.

When you get down to the bottom of a banana.

you get the little i've never got the black bit there at the bottom of the spike no no you don't know what there's a little spike i don't know what's happening at There's a little spike at the bottom of the banana going into the banana to keep it in.

To keep it in, it's not for me.

Yeah, when they were designing the banana, they went, we're going to need a little spike in there to keep it in.

Yeah.

Keep it in place.

Okay, so there's going to be no bananas on this, and you don't like the thought of the banana rice krispies that I had when I was a kid that got discontinued.

The flavor thing I can kind of handle, but then it makes me think of a banana, and then that's the problem.

So foam bananas, which are banana flavor, but they're in the shape of bananas.

I could handle it, but I'd rather not.

Yeah.

That's fine, too.

Look, this is your dream menu.

We're not going to

force a foam banana.

Just getting a feel for you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

At the top of the episode.

What's your dream starter if we get into the meal proper?

Okay, I would say very simple, but I love like a tomato and burrata salad with a bit of basil.

Again, black pepper, olive oil, just keep it simple.

Is there a place where you've had that's like the best place, the way you've been to it?

And they make the best version of that?

There's a restaurant in LA called Speranza that is really really good italian food and i love that and all the pasta's homemade i just love italian food it's just so like comforting yeah it feels really warm yeah i love it i've got i i think i like it what what but then i well say here's here's my problem italian food in general

mate italian food what i like it one of the main foods i like

it is i do like it but like i've never like it's never my go-to what this is the reaction i always get so i always get this reaction

everyone's always like who is this guy What the hell is he talking about?

Look, I love pasta.

I love choruso broccoli pasta.

So, broccoli is the go-to.

That's very specific.

Yes.

Oh, he made it every day of lockdown.

Yes.

So, like, you know, how dare you say you don't know if you like Italian food or not after doing the Wedge of Lime guy?

My Wedge of Lime guy wasn't Italian.

Yes, he was.

He was

all the Italian rhythms.

It was London gangster.

Yours was

what do you want?

You won the.

That was you.

That was your fun.

You want

what do you want some lime with that and that i i and you were like

expressive like an italian hand yeah you did italian hand oh i didn't know i did that i should probably issue an apology yeah that was my bad

well here's the thing everyone always when i say this about italian food everyone's like what the hell is the matter with you correct i like it but like i've never like gone nuts for it.

It's never my first choice.

And I went to Rome recently and I was like, here we go.

I'm going to finally get it.

I didn't get it.

You didn't get it.

I got the desserts.

I love the desserts from Trevi Fountain, near Trevi Fountain.

Not in the Trevi Fountain.

No, just you stood in the middle of the Trevi Fountain.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, this is a place nearby with really good desserts.

But what about, like, you know, the antipasty, all the cold meats,

none of that.

I don't, I don't think it gets to me.

What's the go to then?

I'll probably go for Thai over that, or Indian, or Chinese, or

Japanese, a lot of European cuisines.

Like Italian?

No, no, no.

France and stuff.

I mean,

Sri Lankan.

I'll just put Burrata, which I think if you did a spreadsheet of all the best starter options.

I do love Burata, actually.

That would win out, surely.

Burata is delicious.

Trizzo broccoli pasta and Burata.

Yeah, yeah.

Trizzo broccoli pasta was invented by a man from Bristol.

Gloucester.

Gloucester, sorry.

Looked ahead there.

I i don't know where tom carriage is from from glouter but yeah but i mean burrata is delicious and the tomato and i love a caprazy salad is that italian yes yes

as you well know yeah i love it burrito is that's a great choice because some people come and say mozzarella and tomato salad which is fine but the burata it's a step up

you've leveled up did you used to like mozzarella more and then one day you woke up and you went i prefer burata yes yeah that's probably exactly what happened that is probably exactly what happened again eyes opened i'm a burata person

i like that first thought of the day probably to be honest probably are you going with because sometimes you order a burata salad and they they've already cut the burata up or like oh no no drizzled it over and you're like oh i wanted the experience the experience of cutting it open and it just yeah blows out definitely it's part of it i like to be in control you know oh yeah

yeah yeah that's a big part of it it's like where do you draw the line of the control though because you don't you don't want to cook the whole meal no but i want to be able to to configure it how i want yeah like with the lime i'll do the squeeze

you'll do the squeeze

so in the dream restaurant for your dream meal are you gonna be overseeing things in the kitchen as well no no no no you don't want to be a supervisor

i'm just there in the kitchen stood over them yeah no no no you want the first bit done for you but then the first bit done for me and then the the rest of it i can handle is this why you're taking on more production duties with your albums now just to have that little you're sort of like squeezing the lime honestly yes yeah i want to be the one to to squeeze the lime I was trying to extend that into an analogy about making an album but I've got absolutely no idea I did not have the vocabulary to do that how you would make squeeze the lime yeah to a into a note

production choice

I don't need to squeeze the lime on this song yeah

although we have no idea what you're talking about

but to return to the question it's got to be poppadoms it's got to be poppadoms yeah i feel almost similarly to the sparkling water thing there is a feeling of i don't know like it's special like bread is great obviously sourdough is on every restaurant menu with a kind of fancy whipped butter next to it i'm seeing a lot of uh there's a lot of like glazed dinner rolls at the moment as well is that the new that's the new bread new thing mate yeah just a little that's why you got me here now for the

main leads we want mainly for sort of you know yeah bread forecast

um is there certain stuff that you just get very tired of where you're like i swear to god if they've got truffle on this again i'm on this menu yeah it does it does happen where and i think actually it can probably seem quite unfair to like restaurateurs like they you know there are these things that become real obsessions of chefs and then like you know people like me that write about food just kind of lose it out of all proportion because there's like

another like wild garlic mayo like you know and it is there is a lot of it but I guess it's like anything, isn't it?

There's, there's trends and there's, there's things that really bubble up.

And then suddenly everyone will be like, absolutely not, mate.

Like, you know, we only need to look back through like food history or recent food history to see.

But yeah, it can, it can just get a little bit much at times.

Yeah.

When do you think popping candy is going to be over?

I think I talked about this on like the first episode of the podcast.

It is, yeah, they do love it, don't they?

Popping candy.

And every time you see someone on a TV show popping candy in something, someone will eat it and go, oh, oh, this chef's got such a sense of humor.

They don't.

What are they talking about?

The chef needs to grow up.

Because my dream dessert would be the perfect slice of cheesecake.

Nice.

The perfect slice of cheesecake.

Slice of cheesecake.

Talk us through how it's perfect.

It's light.

The crust is thick and kind of graham crackery, but not too.

It's kind of soft, but not too soft.

And it's the difference between the crust and the cake itself.

It's the right consistency

in my mouth.

You're absolutely Goldilocks in this one again.

We've never had an episode where the word consistency has been said so many times.

Yeah, I guess.

Well, I'm consistent.

Yeah.

Here's the thing.

I'm textural.

Yeah.

You know, I'm thinking this is this is also part of the whole thing with the ketchup and the sauces.

When I was really little, I used to like cucumbers.

I loved cucumbers, but the middle part freaked me out.

And so I'd have to cut out the seeds and I'd just go for the cumber.

I don't want, I don't want the, the middle part wasn't done.

It was too larval stage.

Yeah.

And it wasn't done cooking.

And so.

So you see the middle as the cue and the outside.

It's cumber.

It's all cumber on the outside.

And so it's like, oh, I can handle the cumber.

In fact, are you going to eat your cumbers?

I'll take those.

You can have my cue.

Yeah.

Just, in fact, a plate of cue looks disgusting.

Yeah.

It's like the inside of a pumpkin.

And then, you know, I got over that.

Thankfully, I got over that.

And now I can eat the entire cucumber.

Yeah, yeah.

And love the cucumber.

I'm down with Q.

Yeah.

That also sounds bad out of context because

January 6th.

But the consistency, the thing of like, you know, it's like oysters or something.

I'm not, I'm not crazy about that.

Yeah.

So you want the nice, crispy, but not too crispy base.

Yeah.

And

a really like a, yeah, a rich, but, but a, uh,

I really, like a good cheesecake.

It could be really, it could be really high, like a, like, um, you know, like in New York, they'd do great ones.

Is this a baked cheesecake or like, just like cream cheese and stuff and put it in the fridge?

I think it might be that.

That one.

Yeah.

Because if it's got the, the biscuity base.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pretty creamy again.

And a cheesecake.

Yeah.

Weird, right?

Came to me later in life.

Came to me later in life.

I didn't like, I was like, as a kid, I wouldn't go near it just because it's called a cheesecake.

Pop dumps or bread.

Pop-doms or bread, carry out, Lloyd.

Pop-doms or bread.

I've got a request.

Yep.

Can I have a panna chocolate?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Who saw that coming?

All right.

I'm strapped in for this episode.

Ed, what is it?

Your impression of a pana chocolate?

Nah, you can come see me live if you want to see the chronic of my show.

It's disgusting.

Yeah, what?

Is it anti-panachocola?

Is it little chocolate nipples?

It does have little chocolate nipples.

Where?

At the front,

the little chocolate bits at the front.

The slough size.

Oh, don't tell me the material doesn't work.

I see when you've sliced it in half.

sorry i was thinking of it that way i was like what eyes are like a lizard at the front it's got yeah yeah

i don't even fucking know either

but are you laughing at panna chocolate or are you

oh it's the first time anyone's picked a pana chocolate for the bread course yeah look i do like and i do respect it and i i i what's the word um dinard what's a better word than that I ruminated about this.

I like Um Dinard.

Thanks.

I think that's more fit into the situation.

Thank you.

I'm Dinard.

Because I've had some amazing bread in some very good restaurants.

But then the thought of not having a pana chocolate in my, because I

almost every day pana chocolate or a cinnamon bun.

But to me, I thought the cinnamon bun is,

I could have had it.

It just felt like the pan of chocolate almost sneaks into the bread category easier than the cinnamon bun.

Yeah, I agree with that.

So I was like, okay, cinnamon bun, it's hedging towards puddings, isn't it?

So the panachoc from a specific place,

meal, I don't know if that's how you say it, M-I-E-L.

It's the French word for honey, so I might not be saying it right.

Mille, mill, mill, mill, mill.

It's just near Warren Street, and it's one of the best bakery patisseries in London.

Everything from that shop is incredible, but they do a very good Pana Shock, and they do a

ganduja, however you say that one, Nutella-type Panachock, a special one with like chocolate lines all over it.

That is very good, but it's almost too much for the bread course.

Yeah, not like a normal Panachock on the bottom.

No, that's like a normal, just easy Panachock.

So I like a Panachock my bread cause

it's too much for the bread cause what I'm obviously going to pick up on that I'm surprised Ed hasn't picked up on yet is Panachock.

Panachock?

Because if you're saying that is how much you're saying Panachocola in your life, then you have to shorten it to Pana Shock.

Panachock.

I've never met anyone before who's called it Panachock because they're normally.

Who calls it Panachocola?

Oh, people who have only one a year.

Yeah.

Panachocola.

I say.

Can you shorten it even more than that?

Some people call it a pack, PAC.

Who calls it that?

Oh, like actual bakers.

No, like bad station bakeries because I've been looking before and I've gone what's a PAC I want a pana shock and I've gone oh they've caught they've shortened it yeah pana shock that might be I have a lot of bad um verbal habits with my mums from Essex and that is what my mum calls them pana shock do you want a pana shock let's get two pana shocks

I'll have a pana shock

oh you're having another one you eat so much sugar

while ordering me sugary bakery so I think that might be a slightly Essex thing that rather than me like amazing croissants, an amazing croissant dough is as good as amazing bread.

Yes, and that's what I mean.

Like proper, proper mu.

It's French pedisserie, but the person who runs it is not French, but they've trained there.

And it is that kind of like, I used to live in Paris very briefly, and it is that, it is as good as the panache.

Loads of layers.

Loads of layers.

And good chocolate.

Those two eyes you're talking about.

Nipples.

Yeah.

Nipples.

That's a bar.

That's when the cheap bar.

you know they just put this is like you you know like it's like they put chocolate inside it yeah you are getting chocolate.

But that's what people think of when they think pan of chocolate, which is why the material works.

Yeah, yeah, no.

To be, if I were in context, he's talking about a breakfast buffet, a pan of chocolate, you get the breakfast buffet, and it's all there and no shock.

And those little nipples make you think that there's shock in there.

Oh, that is the worst.

There's no shock in there.

Because that's a machine putting the bars down and the machine chopping off the end of a bar.

And I've worked that out by being upset by this happening to me.

So I've gone, what the fuck?

That had two big nipples.

I was going to get a big button shock and this is all pastry.

No, no, I didn't buy a croissant.

I bought a pan of shock.

Yeah.

I need the shock to deal with it.

Where's the shock?

Where's the shock?

I'm in shock at this pan of shock.

Oh, but actually the piece de resistance

is the Yorkshire pudding.

Aha, yes.

Yes.

And so this is sort of the non-dairy.

So it could all be served in a massive Yorkshire pudding.

I love it.

Because the thing is, as

using sort of the non-dairy milks, I can't make Yorkshire.

I used to make fantastic Yorkshire puddings.

They'd fluff up in the oven, they'd come out, and they'd hardly sink at all.

And

I'd eat them.

But I can't do it.

Because with non-dairy milk, there's something in the cow's milk that enables the Yorkshire.

And so they come out sort of little flat pancakes now.

It's just so disappointing.

Yeah.

But you two want a big, dairy Yorkshire pudding.

Yes.

Big enough to have the whole road.

You get the roads inside.

I can chip away at the corners.

Yes, absolutely brilliant.

That's taking up no real estate on the plate because it is the plate.

Well, this is what I'm going to say.

Normally, I have a go at people who put Yorkshire puddings because I think they take up too much real estate on the plate.

But if it is the plate, that's a great loophole.

You've got to.

You've got to.

I don't know why.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because, you know,

I'm enjoying actually how Dr.

Mackey is quite at odds with you, Ed.

Yeah.

He loves Yorkshire puddings.

He likes cheesebuds.

But if it's a big Yorkshire pudding, I can completely understand that.

Would it be fair to call the big Yorkshire pudding the black hole of the roast dinner?

Yeah.

Swallowing up all the other stuff.

Yeah, everything gets sucked in.

You can probably get a lot more in one of those black holes than you think you can, right?

Surely, is that true?

And think of the gravy because you could really go home, yeah, go high because you've got a lip now.

Would you do that?

Would you just pour it until it's full to the brim of a gravy?

No, no, I want to.

I think you're asking, would you put gravy in a black hole?

And what would you like to do?

Actually,

would you put gravy in a black hole?

Well, all I know is if you did put gravy in a black hole, like everything else, it would get spaghettified.

Spaghettified?

I'd love.

What do you mean?

And what would happen if you put spaghetti in a black hole?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

So spaghettification is actually a scientific term.

But what happens is, with spaghettification, because a black hole, the gravity is so strong, the gravity at your head and the gravity at your toes would be significantly different.

So as you fall into the black hole, you get strung out into a string of spaghetti.

Whoa.

Yes.

But if you ask about spaghetti going into a black hole, spaghetti is already spaghetti but i guess it'll get just more elongated it wouldn't turn into a different shape of pasta no

you'll get pena

i need to say that very carefully

i mean look i hate to ask you about blur versus oasis because i just mentioned it but here's the here's the only i might not ever get to interview anyone from either band ever again so would you say it's fair to say that you absolutely pulverized them?

But Oasis, no.

Come on.

What come on?

We obviously did.

It's not a competition, Craig.

You absolutely destroyed.

Where are they now?

You absolutely made a fine paste of them.

They don't even talk about it.

At the same time, I thought

it was record sales as far as the 90s.

People go on about, yeah, they won this battle.

They didn't win the war.

The war is still.

on.

Oh, yeah.

It is, isn't it?

Wasn't it?

It seems to be.

Yeah, but I would say if the war is still on, Bloev is still like on the main battlefield and Oasis

in the first aid tent.

Yeah, two separate first aid titles.

Two separate first aid tents.

But no chaps,

where's everybody?

We've come here for a good fight.

Yeah.

And there's no one here.

Yeah.

No, but the thing is, though, if Oasis were to get together,

then

they would lay waste to us.

Do you think?

Probably.

But that's a good thing.

Yeah.

And I think they should.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, it'll be a laugh.

That's a long time ago now, all that stuff.

And we were fighting for our careers.

We were, you know, it was a matter of life and death

for young people to be getting a career together.

Of course, there was going to be competitiveness.

And, you know, there was a few things that were said that were, there was no need for that.

But, you know, what are you going to do?

The people were trying to get themselves out of their situation.

And rock and roll was one way of doing it.

So you're going to be serious about it.

You're going to be,

you know, sort of

defend it.

I chose Blur in the Battle.

I went and bought Country House.

Did you?

It's for very vivid memory.

Kevin HMV

bought it and the lady behind the counter said to me, good choice.

And then she started singing it while she got it from the because you had to go.

I'd give her the empty slip case and she had to go and find the cassette in the little like library behind it.

And she was just singing the song as she was going to get it.

I really remember it really vividly because I felt like like it was like the same way i felt when i went to vote for the first time it is a bit like

this is important i'm making a decision and i'm going i'm going and i'm i've decided i'm gonna get country house

and she told me well done you made the right choice and then she sang it as she handed it to me that's like faking and was this in kettering says ketman hmv right well that's good i'm glad we got i'm glad we got you know one one that i suppose yeah i didn't think either song was they were both a bit daft

yeah sure they were daft but that's what you want, I guess, for like a little

battle between the songs.

You want some fun, fun songs.

Yeah.

But then the Universal was like, that was the next single.

Yeah.

And

that was a big part of my life.

That was a big part.

So

I did the Kettering Gang Show.

Do you know what that is?

A gang show?

You're in the Cub Scouts.

Yeah.

Why would Graham know what the Kettering Gang Show is?

Well, he knew more than...

But specifically the Kettering Gang Show.

Well, Kiki, you guess what the Kettering Gang Show would be?

Yeah, I know what a gang show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

so you think it's so it's just one that's in ketchup yeah as opposed to mine which was fair enough a standway gang show yeah stanway gang show you're familiar with the stanway gang show because there was a stanway gang show versus ketring gang show actually we won the battle but they won the war yeah it was big with the ketring gang show and it was like my first time performing on stage and it really meant a lot to me i really really wanted to do it and my parents knew that i've I'd really I'd wanted to do it forever.

I was probably 10 years old or whatever.

And they knew that I really wanted to be on stage and perform.

It's my first chance actually getting to do it.

And when I got home from the first performance of it on my pillow was they bought me the Universal by Blur on cassette.

Wow.

And a little note that said,

well done.

And all this.

It was very important to me.

So that's nice.

Every time I hear that song, I think, I think about that.

Nice story.

First time being on stage.

Weren't expecting that, were you?

No.

Normally your stories end with you being embarrassed in some way.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

At some point, I'll probably embarrass myself.

I've saw the tape and then I pissed my pants.

What did you do at the the gang show?

I was uh

piss your pants

were you told to wear um swimming trunks when you performed in your gang show just in case you got stage frightened

I was I was what what in the cubs I was slightly younger than 10 maybe eight or nine but they were said wear swimming trunks just in case you get stage frightened and we

lose control of yourself.

Do you still do that to this day?

Wet wear blue arena?

Yeah.

Got your trunks on?

Got the trunks on.

You might see the drawstring peeping out at some point.

That just seems like a way to guarantee a kid's going to piss themselves.

It's a bit like, what?

You said, that's frightening.

What?

I didn't know that could happen.

Get your trunks on, Graham.

What would you do if you ordered a big scallop and it arrived and it had glasses on?

Yeah.

I would hate that.

I would absolutely hate that because this is the one.

Hello, I'm Simon.

This is why I can't have salmon because I was trying to have salmon for a while, but then I heard that they sing when they die.

It's true.

It's true.

You can find it on the internet.

They sing.

Not like a popular song, but like this.

What do you mean they sing when they die?

Like they're like, oh,

no, it's not like that.

Go on.

You can imagine it.

It's like...

I actually can't imagine a fish.

Imagine loads of salmon and they're all being killed and they're letting out this horrible song that's like, they're so sad because they're being killed.

That's what it is.

Is Ben googling it right now?

Yeah, Ben will be googling it because it sounds

made up.

It's a Chemical Brothers song, apparently.

That's called the Salmon Dance.

Is there any chance you could have seen a Chemical Brothers song and got mixed up?

Yeah.

This is definitely true.

If it's not true, it would be very helpful because I did used to like the Prat smoked salmon sandwiches.

Yeah.

But you know, they're not actually.

They've been discontinued they've been discontinued probably

if you like

um but obviously they're not really singing that's what they don't they don't think they're singing yeah

but it's like a sad it's like a sad like morning like noise

yes it's very emotional yes

yeah so i just i feel too bad you know i just like this is the thing they get in my head like when i gave up meat i just like i picture them this is the the thing you know and they're looking at me and they're like why yeah you don't have that see this is what i think most people they they they can disconnect and yeah no i think i do have it but i can disconnect yeah that's it i can't disconnect yeah you know i've got pets now for the first time since you know i was a little kid what pets and two cats

love them absolutely love them if someone said to me i'm gonna kill them and eat them i'm i'd be like you know just the worst thing in the world yeah yeah but yeah i you know hypocritically i am going around eating dead animals most days.

Yeah, and cows can play football.

Harriet, that is true.

You can see that on the internet.

They play football.

They're actually much smarter than you think they are.

They're actually like dogs.

You know, you got James into a really serious contemplative state there for a second.

Shall I say that?

Where he was genuinely like confronting his own lifestyle.

And that is true.

Cows play football.

And then you said,

and then you said, yes, cows can play football.

As if he'd said anything.

That related to cows playing football.

Yes, because a cat is like a cow.

This is what I'm saying.

A cat's like a cow and a cow can play football.

I was like, literally was going, I'm not going to make fun of Harriet for this.

I'm going to admit that, yeah, I know we, you know, even though you're saying about salmon singing and all this kind of stuff, I'm going to,

but it's not football, it's fetch.

I'm going to admit that, yeah, you know, our lives are hypocritical.

And, you know, that you're actually, you know, you imagining them dying and stuff.

That's not the weird thing.

It's weirder that we block it out.

Just trying to extend that to you.

And as I'm saying that, you say cows can play football.

And while I've been saying this bit, I think you said it's a veg, not a football.

No, she said it's fetch.

It's fetch.

It's not a football, it's fetch.

I thought you said it was veg, like if they're painted with a lettuce.

It's fetch.

So what I was trying to say is that you love your cat and your cat, you find like an acceptable pet, but you could have a cow is what I'm saying.

Like a cow is more like a cat, a cat than you think it is, but you try and cut it off and you think, oh, the cow, you know, like it's some big stupid cow.

But actually, they're very intelligent.

Well, James was confronting that logic there in quite a sort of openly

emotionally raw way and I actually think you've made him eat more meekness yeah I don't don't care now because you've said he could have a pet cow and cows can play fetch yeah yeah and salmon sing when they die

I mean this I'm sorry you don't know this this is all just this is true

we do now

the football thing so that's like so they can't play football um I actually don't know if they can play football

But if you throw, I got confused between football and fetch.

If you throw a ball, they will go get it and they'll bring it back like a dog.

So, this is what I was trying to say: like, a cow is like a dog.

You can't eat dogs, but you can eat a cow.

You can't eat a cat, but you can eat a cow.

I was trying to, I was, yeah, I was just trying to go along with what you were thinking, and then you took it as an absolute affront.

Well, you didn't go along with what I was thinking.

First of all, you lied and said that they could play football.

Can they play football?

Interesting.

Yeah, look.

Let's see it.

Here we go.

Standing in the middle of a, just for the listener.

Standing there,

not doing anything with this football.

So it still left it alone.

Just in case you're wondering, there is a title above the video that says cool football.

It says cool football.

There's a bunch of people stamping up to the cow, which has stood near a ball.

And it seems to be not playing.

One of them has kicks the ball at the cow.

At the cow's ass.

And the cow is now

a bunch of absolute arseholes.

And a cow that seems to be just guarding the ball, but not playing with it.

And it's just walking along with the ball.

It's accidentally playing football.

Yeah, it's not playing football.

It just wants to keep the ball.

And these people are antagonizing the cow.

I don't approve of this.

I guess the video has made me want to eat less beef because I feel sorry for the cow.

I'm on the cow's side

in that video.

But I don't think that cow could explain the off-side rule.

Heston Blumenthal has a restaurant in town called Dinner, and they serve a starter called a meat fruit.

And that would be it.

I mean, that's like, that's the only thing from a restaurant that's on my entire.

I just love it.

It's just like magic.

And it's something that I could never and would never try to make.

And I think part of that is there's a joy in that.

Like, this is so special.

Like eating amazing Chinese food.

It's like, I could never try to make this.

So there's a joy in that, you know.

and it i just it looks like an orange yeah a mandarin and you cut it inside and it's meat they do a different one in the winter too they have like a plum a meat plum oh do they change up the fruit yeah season yeah i don't like i don't like meat plum but

just like the tangerine one and they again the bread there like a really nice kind of they've obviously oiled it to and did it on the griddle and then sorted the bread too oh it's just so good is it like is it chicken liver parfait in the middle of it but that's really light as well isn't it so it's not just great and if you i've stayed in that hotel uh i think we stayed there as uh like a birthday treat once and it's part of room service oh you can get it up to the room you can sit and have it in the bath if you wanted meat fruit in the bath yeah just floating on the slice of sourdough

into your mouth yeah yeah oh yeah so this has come up on the podcast before quite a long time ago maybe even like the first series and we haven't had it again i think josie long said it no i got it wrong oh it's magic oh dynamo said it did dynamo say dynamo said meat fruit oh good um it's one of the things that i still haven't tried it and every every time I hear about it, I'm like, I'd really like to try that.

And kind of know that I'd love it, know that it'd be really nice.

I also like seeing other customers eating it too, because other kind of

like white middle-class English people who are there, obviously, because their kids are paying for it, or and they, oh,

it looks like a fruit,

they're not sure what it is.

It's too much theatre for middle-class diners, isn't it?

They can't go.

Not orange.

it's not an orange

i feel like because it's quite famous now people are going there for that right some of the element of surprise is gone so i feel like yes right maybe one day heston should just make the plate like meat plate like a meat plate yeah and then but then have a normal tangerine on it right so people are like gonna have the meat fruit yeah right

and then they go through and it's meat plate yeah meat plate there's like a weird in the book there's there's a like a i i don't know a lot of the times things go off on tangent so it was like I wanted people to read, to read a book and you're reading a recipe and then suddenly you get to a point and you're like, oh, hang on.

How the fuck do we get to this point?

You know, I like how a story can do that.

And there's a recipe which was kind of based on dining at dinner where someone found that if you were to eat this part of the chicken, but you were to dry it over like 20 hours and then grind it.

And if you were to then snort that, it released something inside your body where you literally fell backwards and swept up in a

wave of ecstasy.

And you would fire out of a gland in your anus this incredible chicken stock.

And so someone just found out this could, and then it took off.

So, and my book gets to a point where a young couple take

her parents to go and

try this this amazing thing and it's all part of the dining you know you're sat and your your table is essentially on like a sluice grate yeah and as you walk in like people are

firing the stock out of their aims but then like the waiters capture it and then you then all sit and drink it and stuff like that that was part of going to dinner i can see it i just like that thing about cooking that there's secret glands that fire stock should you you know tweak them i would definitely snort the chicken and oh my God.

If that was part of an experience in a restaurant, I'd be.

Yeah.

I know no bounds of

presentation.

Have you ever seen that people eating auto-long with the clothes over their heads?

Only in succession.

That's the only time I've seen it.

Oh, I haven't seen that.

That's where they do that in a scene.

I've switched off succession.

Sorry, just as a side.

I'm done.

I've saw four reps.

I'm done.

Yeah.

Yeah, there was a lot of, I mean, probably cut this out, but a lot of actors just not sitting on chairs properly.

Just sit on the chair.

I don't think we can cut that out i think that's amazing

an amazing chair what you do is in reason not to like succession because they weren't sitting on chairs properly

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And here's the annual category of great clips, but we couldn't find a good hook for them all, so they're all lumped together as anecdotes, James.

It's our favorite anecdotes.

He's written anecdotes in bold underlines.

This is a new section.

Yes.

AJ Adoodu, Alex Jones, Paul Foote, Tahib Jameau, Graham Coxon, Helen Bauer, Joe Cornish, Rhys Shearsmith, Lily Allen, Paul Foote, and John Kearns.

So for this drink, for the drinks course, would you like to be in an airport just before you're about to go on holiday?

Is that the feeling that you want to invoke?

I love that feeling, and I do.

I love it.

I love the weather spoons.

I just, I've just, I'm like, oh, it's nice.

And why the weather spoons in the air?

Because obviously, there's a lot of options in the airport places to drink.

But if it's weather spoons, do you feel like you're properly saying goodbye to the UK?

Yeah, I do.

Because

I think as well, when you're going to certain places,

nowhere does pubs like the UK

at all.

Even in America, they're like, oh,

we've got the Irish bars.

I'm like, it feels like a themed bar rather than an actual

and it's table service.

Yeah, it's very confusing.

So, yeah, I think maybe, should we have a rum and coke at the weatherspoons before catching a flight?

That'd be nice.

You tell the truth to us.

You're not still going to weatherspoons in the airport.

Come on.

You're in the lounge, mate.

I'm not.

Give over, AJ.

I'm not.

I'm very rarely in the lounge.

You've got access, though.

But I've got access.

Do you know what it is with the lounges that confuses me a little bit?

Not all of them do the announcements.

Right.

And

I need a tannoy.

Yeah.

I'm very easily distracted.

Yeah, yeah.

Tell me to go to my gate.

Yeah, but if it's silence, I'll be like, oh, I'll listen to a podcast, or I'll listen to some music, read a bit of a book.

Oh, what's that on the counter?

I'll have a little bit of bite to eat.

And then I'm like, oh, should I get these nuts for the flight?

Yeah, they're probably serving food on the flight, but I'll get these ones as well.

Should I do that?

And before you know it, I'm like, oh my gosh, I've missed my flight.

Or like, I've nearly missed my flight.

Do you know what I mean?

Have you missed flights before?

I've only missed one, I've missed two flights before, two, and it was bad.

it was

not good

it was not good

god

one of the flights that I missed yeah

was to my one of my best mates Veronica she was getting married in Casablanca oh my god Casablanca in Morocco basically as like one flight a day from from London do not miss it because if you miss it you're not getting on that flight today

you'll have to pay loads of money to get there tomorrow fine i've missed the flight that's stressful mismanagement of time let's just put it down to that okay and then were you at the airport when you missed the flight no i was on i was actually on the train to the airport being like oh i've got my train times mixed up here i think wait a minute this train doesn't get to london bridge until that time and then and then i need to get to victoria and then i need to get onto the heatho express and oh i'm gonna miss this flight I basically was like I'm gonna miss the flight

I'm on route and I'm like I literally got there and they were like we closed this gate like two hours ago so you're like not even a little bit late for your flight you're like well late for your flight amazing that you still even though you knew that you still went to the airport

because I just thought well you know there's flight delays yeah you know there's there's there's pandemoniums at airports yeah I was I was praying for the flight delay yeah got there

they were they were running on time So the flight had gone

and I was left with a real dilemma because there's no more flights until tomorrow afternoon.

But I need to be there for tomorrow morning because in the afternoon, my friend is getting married and I am the bridesmaid.

Oh no.

Oh, AJ.

Oh, AJ.

Oh, guys, it was so bad.

I literally had to fly via like Portugal.

I had to go to like three different countries before I could get to Casablanca.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, guys, I need to get there in the morning.

And they were like, do you know what?

The only way you can do this is by spending all of your money.

And like, we just start flying from now.

Get to Portugal, get to, go to Spain, go to France, go here, go there.

I literally...

was on like five different flights to get to Casablanca.

And then I get there, the taxis to where I needed to get, it was, it was, it was a lot.

Long story short, I got there just in the nick of time but i looked dreadful

i looked like i'd been dragged through a hedge backwards my mate was like also veronica is the most chilled person ever it was like she weren't even bothered she was like oh don't worry about it i was like i have been around the world to get here this is insane so yeah that's why i don't like lounges

It also, that and the rissoles really sounds like the sort of thing you'd eat before you go out drinking.

Oh, yeah.

Or

after.

So in Cardiff, and you'll have listeners, I know, in Cardiff, and they'll know about Chippy Lane.

Chippy Lane, it's not really called Chippy Lane, but it is Chippy Lane because all the sort of late night takeaway places are on it.

And the floor is so slippery from chips.

Yeah.

So when you'd go down there in a heel.

Whales, man.

You are taking your life into your own hands.

Chippy Lane in a heel, 3 a.m.

Disaster.

But, oh, the rewards.

If you make it into the shop, the rewards are like no other.

Rissol, chips, curry sauce, tons of vinegar.

Oh, my mouth is watering.

How slippy is it?

Could you start at one end of Chippy Lane and slide all the way like Martin McFly down to the other end?

Well, let's just imagine it.

Okay, your chips are falling on the floor.

Yeah.

Okay.

A few people have walked over them, so they kind of worn into the concrete.

Very slippery.

Yeah.

very slippery floor is lava people say bananas it's not it's chips chips should be in cartoons as people for people slepping on them yeah

not bananas there you go if you're touring in cardiff yeah chippy lane that's where you need i can walk down banana lane and no in in heels no problem yeah yeah they can't run down banana lane

We're gonna talk a lot about food today.

We already know that you are a foodie.

You appreciate fine foods.

When I first met you over 15 years ago,

you were definitely in a phase at that point, and maybe it's not stopped, maybe I still don't, where you said to me, I only ever eat in Michelin-style restaurants now.

It was sort of, I mean, I don't know whether you've misremembered slightly, but that's what you said.

Perhaps I was trying to impress you.

I think, well,

there's a truth to that in that, that you get the good value.

The best value, I think, in restaurants is at the top end and the bottom end.

You can get some really cheap thing for £1.70, good value, and you can pay £200 for a really good meal, and it's really good.

Where you lose out is on the sort of mid-range, where it's just not particularly like the sort of Bella Ritalias and the places that are a bit better than the Bella Ritalias.

It's nothing.

You could cook it yourself.

It's not that good.

And it's money down the drain.

So, yes, therefore, it is.

One should eat in the Michelin style restaurants when one can.

I would like to see you host a consumer affairs show where you judge whether the things are money down the drain or not.

Because that is a catchphrase.

It's money down the drain.

Yeah, money down.

That would be the name of my show.

Money down the drain.

And I would look at things that are down the drain, money-wise.

And would it be like Antiques Road show where members of the public bring stuff to you and you decide if it's money down the drain or not?

Or are you going to establishments and deciding if what they're selling is money down the drain?

Yeah, I'd go to establishments and there's obvious things.

I find it hilarious that people are caught out by things like this.

Like I bought a fridge a few years ago, a fridge, and it cost about £200,

which is what you have to pay for a really quite good fridge.

I mean, you can really pay a lot of money for a really expensive fridge.

There's like some American ones if you want to do that.

But it doesn't really make much difference.

It's a fridge.

So £200 for a fridge.

There's not much that could go wrong in a fridge.

And it's under warranty for the first two years anyway.

And then they try and sell you a thing.

Would you like like peace of mind?

It's only £28.99 per year.

And if anything happens to your fridge, it'll be replaced.

Like, does anyone actually just look at that and think, what are the chances of the fridge breaking down?

Low?

What are the chances that I'm going to end up paying a lot more?

Like, it's ridiculous.

Why do people do it?

Madness.

This is the sort of thing I'd say in my podcast.

It's not a podcast, is it?

It's a TV show.

It's a TV show.

I got confused.

This is a podcast.

This is really happening.

I forgot that.

This is real.

This is real.

This is real TV show imaginary.

And if someone did pay £28 a year just in case something happens with their food and goes along with it,

what would that be?

Well,

in the show, they sign a thing that if they've been found to be putting money down the drain,

then I'll save some of that money.

So I'll say 50% of the money that they're putting down the drain will be saved.

And the other 50% goes to me.

So I will be siphoning from people's bank accounts money.

People who have made stupid decisions in the past,

any bad decision, I get half the money.

So in a way, going on the show is also money down the drain.

Yeah, it is.

It's massive.

You know, I might say to you, you've got an investment and you can say, it's quite a good investment.

I'm getting 7% interest.

And if I found one with a higher interest, I'd say, you should have thought about that.

Higher interest.

So you then get the higher interest, but you pay half the difference to me, you see?

Yeah.

For life.

When you get them money down the drain, when that gets siphoned to you, do you have to pay tax on that?

Or is that tax-free?

Tax-free.

Good.

Yeah, because, well, it is, isn't it?

Yeah.

Because it's not earnings, is it?

It's just money I'm siphoning off.

Yeah.

It's a gift.

My accountant, I said, you know, how does it work with the tax situation with certain things?

Earnings tax at this rate.

Dividends tax at this rate.

Siphoning.

Has anyone ever paid tax on siphoning?

No,

no, never.

Another thing you can do with siphoning is you can siphon money out.

Like you might have too much money.

It's a bit of a problem.

I've got too much money here.

It's causing a problem because there's the

capital gains tax situation, big worry.

siphon it out into the cayman islands yeah

that's that's siphoned off siphoned off that's siphoned not siphoned out yeah siphoned out is when it comes out of their bank account into me sure yeah and then that was then ironically siphoned off yeah into other accounts around the world and then that gets siphoned up yeah that gets uh siphoned up into property portfolio right yeah yes because i i would like to be wealthy enough that i don't have a house or even second home or even three homes, a portfolio.

That's what I want to have, a portfolio.

So you don't even really know what's in it.

Yeah.

Got a portfolio.

Oh, right, I'm going to Hong Kong next week.

Shall I stay in a hotel?

I think I might have somewhere in Hong Kong.

Let me check my portfolio.

Yes, I've got somewhere in Hong Kong.

I could stay there.

Although the portfolio says someone's in there at the moment, could be a, well, I'll stay in a hotel.

Never mind.

You know.

So you always end up in a hotel anyway.

You always stay in a hotel.

but then i might think oh well uh you know i need to expand the portfolio in certain areas certain markets would you ever like like your property portfolio to include hotels because then then you've got yourself covered there if you buy hotel and you own hotels yeah i'd like to own a hotel and then you got a room whenever you want and you've got really i mean i stayed in a hotel in melbourne earlier in the year It wasn't my hotel.

No.

I want to point out before I start the story.

Yeah.

You know, it wasn't mine, but I knew someone who knew the owner of the hotel.

Best room in the hotel, wasn't it?

All people at reception saying, if there's anything you want, anything at all, just let us know.

I mean, that's just imagine if that was my hotel.

Yeah.

I think they do say that to everyone, though, in hotels, right?

Oh, do they?

Oh, yeah.

I don't know.

I've never stayed in hotels.

I don't stay in hotels often because I'm normally just in my one of my portfolios.

I don't, I'm not familiar with it

i i don't know why i just didn't i've never translated i've in my mind i'm kind of like this is this is a luxury that i'm afforded when i'm away at work but i guess i could just a buy salted butter yeah or just you've been to the white house man i have been to the white house

did they have there at the white house did i have butter at the white house

i don't think i had white house do you have any food at the white house um

we didn't sit down and have a proper meal i don't think just nibbles and stuff surely there's some nibbles surely the nibbles are the what yeah i'm all right i'm gonna get food i don't think we sat down and ate no i think we had yeah we came in we did our thing not even sandwiches we had sandwiches and i remember hannah asked for a banana she was like is there any fruit and and you know and they gave her a banana but like they gave her a banana on on like one of those silver platters right and there's a picture of her somewhere and somebody like this lovely person who works at the white house is like holding the silver platter and underneath is one banana and i was like this is that's the most white house shit that's happened to me.

Hannah Waddingham got to be one of the only people in the world charming enough to get away with going to the White House and asking for a banana.

She was just like, Is there any like fruit?

And I don't think she expected it to be a big deal.

And somebody comes with a

with like this almighty banana.

They should have come and bought that whole thing on them.

And then they opened the clotch.

It was just those shit biscuits she's got me.

Bad luck.

More than biscuits again.

They did give us biscuits, I think.

They give us a break.

Yeah, because the White House

catering staff made us biscuits and they put in these like lovely little containers and um i remember trying to save it and i was like oh i want to like give it to my mum and but it was ages till i went back home so i was like go eat them yeah

so and they were lovely unlike the ones that hannah has to eat which are disgusting and i've tried one of them and it's yeah it's rough it's rough but they not fake to like oh we got

eaten so many of these biscuits let's just like try and make them nice no but i think the thing is you know if like if you pack it like if there's like loads of sugar and stuff she has to eat a lot of them and so at some point it's like we just can't have that that actually happened to us on on certain season one um the catering team that we had at the beginning like we just had everything it was like a very american like it's an american show so it's like an american where we had donuts and every type of fanta imagine like every canned drink you could ever want snacks sweets pastries and it got to a point where all of like they just realized as the episodes were going on that we were all just gaining weight and so um at some point they got switched out and we got healthy yummies

came in everything's really healthy and kale juice and I mean they're also like really great and we had healthy yummies for three seasons then by the end of it like I really loved them but um there was a part of me that I was like I remember when we had donuts every day

I don't like I don't like all posh no

you know tasting menus and things like that that that's all a bit odd

I don't like being mollycoddled and treated like a toddler or a baby in a restaurant yeah people point with their little finger at bits of what's on a plate and

tell you what it is.

I've never thought of that as being treated like a baby, but it makes absolute sense when you put it like that.

It's like, just put it, just, you know, just let me eat it.

Although, you know, I've never thought about the pointing with the little finger as well.

Yeah.

And actually, I think if they came along and they pointed with their normal pointing finger at my food, I think I'd be like, get the hell out of here.

I feel that wouldn't, that would, that would offend me more.

Yeah.

Pointing with the little finger does feel cleaner and less rude.

Less aggressive.

Whereas if they were pointing with their actual finger, I'd be like...

Well, yeah.

It's accusational.

It's just the pretense of it.

The pretense.

I don't mean pretense.

It's pretent.

Pretensive.

Pretend.

What's the word?

Pretense.

Which one you're looking for?

Have a handful of it.

It's the fakery.

It's the fakery of it.

You know, this this bloke is doing this and he's describing what that's called and and and this is a little bit of foam to go with it and that's the sort of drink that you should have with it and and and it's a bit like

i i just don't take it i can't take it seriously it's really absurd yeah and i think people should just be how they are

but what if that is how they are the the waiters and stuff and the people at the restaurant if that that's that's that's fine but you can tell you can see through it yeah you can see through it can't you yeah yeah

would you ever be to many of those things thank you would you ever be brave enough to say to a waiter like halfway fruit i see through all this no i i i wouldn't be no that's the sort of the thing that people i'm close to men n and possibly people in the band I play in would be would at certain times not have any qualms about just

are we allowed to swear on yeah yeah right okay tell the people to fuck off

put it fucking down and fuck off yeah

and that that sort of thing and um sometimes when alex is talking about his cheeses do you go i see right through you i see right through you alex yeah and i see a load of cheese in there

it's good cheese yeah you like his cheese

i've eaten it i've eaten it Yeah.

I've eaten it at Christmas.

We usually get a...

I think Alex was complaining recently that he sends out Christmas parcels of cheese to everyone and gets nothing back

every year.

But the thing is, you know,

it's not like he's getting a different gift every time, right?

He gets to be in blur for an extra year.

He should never take that for granted.

Yeah.

That's your present.

But his cheese is nice and he expands.

I'm waiting for the cheddar.

Yeah.

yeah but the old blue monday that's quite yeah that's great yeah yeah so you you you think you should carry on with the cheeses oh definitely yeah i i never get through my quotient of cheese my christmas quotient ever it's just too much yeah i mean i probably have the amount for for christmas and new years that he might have in one night and i and it's still too much you know he is a maniac when it comes to to the cheese.

I bet he has sparkling water.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cheese caning.

Caning on the cheese, yeah.

so much cheese have you seen him just like devour a load of cheese in front of you and can you not believe that i sort of can because i'm sort of used to it now but if it was the first time i would be quite shocked possibly yeah no not really i mean i mustn't you know ours is a lovely man i i i love alex but i did see him once eat a massive amount of that blue monday yeah Well, it was a Christmas amount, let's say, on a bit of cracker, which you're allowed to have a bit more than your auntie or something.

And but he went slap and then squirted a load of honey on it as well.

You've got to try it like this.

I was like, Yeah, go on then.

Yeah, buffing up blindly.

I couldn't do that enough again for another year.

Not for another year.

That was much.

Yeah, it was much.

You better get onto your menu proper.

Yeah.

I'm focused.

I'm focused.

No one said your word.

That's how it felt.

Your dream starter.

I would like prawn purri.

Oh, yeah.

It's the best.

It's the best starter.

It's delicious.

It's like the nicest curried prawns and like this fried, it's more bread, but I'm medically addicted to bread.

Like fried, sort of like doughy, roti.

Oh, good.

Oh my God, I can't handle it.

With like lemon that you put on the prawns.

There's an amazing one in South London

called Apollo Banana Leaf.

It's like a Sri Lankan restaurant.

And you know it's good because like they sort of have a menu, but they don't.

They just sort of go like, if you say anything, they're like, we don't have it.

We don't have it.

Yeah.

Like, but then they just sort of make up other dishes.

And at the end, they just sort of like guess at a price.

You're like, can we have the bill?

And they're like, uh,

20 pounds?

Like,

so you know it's good.

Yeah.

Right.

Because it's all about the food and it's just magical.

And the prawn purri is something they have on there all the time.

That is their.

I have never been turned away with a prawn puri.

Great.

Never.

Always get it.

Always get it.

I love, I do love a prawn purri.

When I was growing up, when I was living at home with my mum, that was like when we'd order an Indian, we'd always share everything, but then she'd get a prawn puri for herself.

And for some reason, I never got a prawn puri.

So I would always be like, that prawn puri looks amazing.

But it was like my mum's secret treat that she would have.

Yeah.

So when I started ordering my own takeaways, always a prawn puri.

And you know what?

It was worth it.

It is because it's also like the ultimate greedy person starter.

Yeah.

Because everyone else just gets like a simple, like they got samosas or something.

And then obviously you can be like, samosa.

Someone gets a bag of ion barges, give me an onion barge, don't be a dick about it.

You get a prawn pouri.

That's coming in two separate items because you've got the prawn curry and the bread.

But if you order a prawn pouri and a naan, everyone's chill with it.

But if you order two naans, then you're two naans Helen.

You know what I mean?

So it's like you've really like thought about it.

You're getting two parts in one.

No one wants to be two naans Helen.

I was and it was a tough time.

It's a tough time.

We could tell that you were.

When you're saying it was like, that's not a very good thing.

That wasn't a universal inclination to it.

Too nonce Helen, if she comes.

But now I figured out the prawn puri trick.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love a prawn purri.

One of the sweetest stories Ed's ever told.

That I don't, I don't want to gloss over it too much because, like, I already told it because I knew you'd love it.

When he grew up, he started ordering prawn purries to be like, it's a mum.

And of course, we've talked about it on the podcast before.

My Pizza Express order is My Pizza Express order because I copied it off my dad.

Yeah.

So cute.

And do you feel close to them when you do it?

No.

But part of you must.

Just think of them.

Prawn Puri, definitely.

Yeah, yeah.

Think of mum.

Did you ever confront her and be like, why did I not get one?

No, like I said.

Really, I mean, obviously I don't corner her and be like, what the fuck?

I think she was probably already getting fed up with me being like, and I want this, add this, and this, and this.

So she's like, well, all right, you can have that, but you're not having any of my prawn purri.

We've ordered half the restaurant already.

she's gonna have something for herself yeah well she's got her boy that's all she needs a sweet little boy

your dream starter dream starter okay well i think i was thinking about this and i'm gonna like in the dream restaurant can i be anywhere that i want yeah yeah so it's like the rules of space and time are suspended yeah so i would go for a bruschetta lovely lovely Very funny thing to follow you asking if the rules of time and space are suspended.

Well, this isn't a Neil brocht.

Absolutely loved it.

And I'll do whatever I like.

So the one of the rules.

The rules of science that apply.

A bruschetta, please.

This is the follow-up to your poshest meal I've ever had.

So when Attack the Block came out, this Italian producer bought it to distribute in Italy.

His name was Aurelio De Laurentis.

Dino De Laurentis' nephew.

Yes.

Dino De Laurentis, famous producer, right?

Barbarella, Flash Gordon, Blue Velvet, Conan,

Serpico.

Oh, I know Conan.

Famous, famous Italian producer.

Anyway, his nephew, he buys it for Italy.

He puts me in a private jet.

I'm at a festival in Switzerland in Lorcano.

He says, Joe, come, come and see me.

I want to meet you.

I love your film.

A little bit like that, his voice was.

Yeah, that's nice.

And so he puts me on a private jet from Lorcano.

I fly to Naples where I get on a...

speedboat like a sexy speedboat big James Bond speedboat I get like speedboated out to this little bay off the island of Capri where Aurelio De Laurentis is floating in this beautiful cove with a little plastic floating tray with a cappuccino on it.

Wow.

I get off the speedboat.

I bash my ankle against the steps so there's blood running down my ankle.

Immediately ruining the scene.

Well, I'm in excruciating pain and I'm dribbling blood everywhere.

I don't say anything about it.

I just get in the water.

Oh, salty sting, healing the wound.

And I swim over to, and that's how I meet Aurelio.

Anyway, cut a long story short.

I stay a night on the island of Capri.

He takes me the next day for lunch on this private island off the Amalfi coast, which has Rudolf Nureyev's villa on it, right?

The ballet dancer.

I think it's called Lagali or something.

You can hire it now for about like $300,000 a minute.

So it's on on this private island and a friend of Aurelio's is staying there and we have lunch there and they just bring the most incredible tomatoes.

I've always had a conflicted relationship with tomatoes, right?

Yeah.

Didn't like them as a kid at all.

And tomatoes are a fruit, correct?

Yeah.

So these tomatoes really tasted fucking phenomenal.

I mean, really extraordinary.

Like all my life, my dad has said, don't be so fussy about tomatoes.

They're a fruit.

And I shut up.

They're not a fruit.

They're weird.

These tomatoes, they were just sensational.

And they were chopped into a bruschetta with some amazing olive oil on.

And it was just the most beautiful thing I've ever tasted.

There was another big, mysterious billionaire who I think had hired the island.

And he had all these peculiar artists and people there.

It was very odd.

It's a bit like that John Fowles book, The Magus.

Have you ever read that?

No.

People who've read that might know what I mean.

Just this weird collection of people.

So I'm sitting next to Aurelio.

He's smoking a cigar.

The other billionaire is smoking a cigar.

Aurelio's watching him and he leans over to me and says, that man smokes a cigar like he is sucking a cock.

And I say,

yeah, yeah, he is.

That's the sort of thing billionaires, the sort of quip.

Yeah, billionaires.

It's good.

And that guy leant over to the guy who's next to him and said exactly the same thing about Aurelio.

Also, I would imagine I wasn't there.

But I don't think he was.

From the mental picture in your mind,

do you think they're two very different i've been very lucky in my life to i've sucked a lot of cocks to

to smoke to i've seen people smoking cigars yeah i've seen i tell you what i've seen people yeah doing that going down on people yeah i cannot imagine anyone doing one as they would do the other really when i suck a cock i go

that's a pipe isn't it

i think think this guy might have been licking the tip of the cigar with a circular tongue motion.

I don't know whether this is a false memory syndrome, but that's what sprung into my head.

I feel like you might have invented that.

Don't you moisten the one end of the cigar?

I don't fucking know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, listen, Aurelia Durange was a really lovely, incredibly generous man.

Yeah.

And he gave me the time of my life.

He also gave me the tomato of my life.

So for my starter, I would be there in that, on Rudolf Nureev's private island

with Aurelio and the cigar-sucking man

with that bruschetta, with the elements of that bruschetta.

You should probably just jump in and say, when we talk about a mysterious billionaire on a private island, it's not that one, right?

No, it's not that.

Well, there's a few to choose from.

What a reveal at the end of that story.

I was only there for lunch, so I don't know what happened when the sun went down.

And everybody seemed of a legal age.

Yes.

but everyone was quite confused

i remember when i was little i used tried to make myself get a cold by running i used to do it repeatedly run up to the door and put my nose near the the keyhole to try and get a draught into my nostrils

when i was little i used to do it to try and get off school yes yeah and that was the best way you could think to do it was nose to the keyhole freezer sitting completely

unmolested in the corner yeah not going there not going near the freezer no no just a gentle breeze with a keyhole.

Sniff the keyhole.

It didn't work.

But, you know, I taught like all my entire childhood was based on trying to not go to school.

But I remember one time really wanting to go to school and having a terrible stomachache and having to come back because I had diarrhea.

And I was sent home having shattered myself.

I think maybe that's another Jarvis, actually.

Yeah, which didn't happen, but the threat of it might have

been back home again.

But yeah, it was interesting.

Of course, whenever you did get ill, your parents couldn't give you anything.

You should have phoned it all for the pigeons.

Yes, of course.

Yeah.

Oh, we've got some painkillers.

Oh, no, they've all gone.

What are all the pigeons doing on that field?

I've done an experiment.

It's an experiment.

The other thing I used to do as a kid in the same back garden that I was throwing past each malls over the fence was try to catch a bat.

Every night.

Nearly every night from when I was about 11 till about 15,

at the end of the garden with my dad's fishing net trying to catch bats.

I realise now it was a futile

endeavor.

Because you can't catch them, can you?

Because they're

solar.

However, I just wanted one.

I wanted a little bat.

And then I was told they were full of lice and they would have bit me and I might have got something horrible.

So I stopped trying to catch them, but I never did catch one.

You'll have loved, growing up in my house.

My mum used to look after bats.

No.

Yeah.

So like if there was injured bats, my mum would look after them.

Probably one of the ones that, if I'd have caught it.

Yeah, yeah.

Some fucking hitchers from a net.

But like, yeah, we'd be looking.

So there's a number of bats that like, yeah, I had them hang off my finger.

No, you didn't.

When we were learning to fly again.

Pip Astreels?

Yeah, yeah.

So you'd be there with your finger out, hanging out.

And then you'd fly around the living room, go back on your finger again.

Go away.

And then, yeah, my mum would release them back into the wild.

Pip Australia de Halloween.

Pip Astralia de Halloween.

Pip Astralia de Halloween.

Yeah.

But yeah, once Pet Rescue came to interview my mum and do an episode, do a pet rescue episode about my mum.

Why the hell haven't you told me this?

Well, it hasn't come up before.

That's amazing.

Yeah, yeah.

I was trying to get in the background of it and they cut me out of the shot.

Oh, as per.

Yeah.

I'm used to it now.

Oh, but it's like the Adams family.

Yeah, yeah.

Good Adams family.

Yeah, good Adams family.

Brilliant.

Big stuff.

What would you have done with the bat if you'd caught it?

I'd have looked at it for a bit and then tried to uncurl it from the net because I presume it would have gone into a tight ball.

Yeah, it would have got bad.

Yeah, it would have been bad.

And then just let it go, I guess.

Yeah.

You could have started COVID much earlier.

Got it out of the way.

You can't blame me for that.

This is 1970, 76.

But yes, I would have just been fulfilled.

I caught one finally after

many years attempting it.

And then I would let it go again.

Yeah.

But I think I did try to have a bat box at the end of the garden.

Nothing ever went in it.

No.

Annoyingly.

But you had him in your house.

You had them in the house.

Incredible.

Well, I don't know, about four of them.

Yeah, one different times.

They get names, but just because my mum wouldn't have named them, just because we were kids and wanted to get them.

But real names are like B21 or something.

No, no, we were wanting to give them names.

I can't remember what they were called.

I remember like the one, the pet rescue one was called something stupid because we just give it silly comedy names like that made us laugh as kids.

Yeah.

But then the pet rescue people were like, we want you to call this one radar.

because it's for the show and my mum was like that's very basic they don't want people thinking that i get i catch bats and I call them stuff like radars.

That's the kind of person I am.

But they were insistent that on camera, make sure you refer to it as radar.

So through gritted teeth, she would.

I'll say it.

And it was as if it was her idea.

Yeah, so she really didn't love it.

I can't stand it.

It reminds me of like when you get stump people to do things for you in filming and you look terrible because they're doing it and their acting is bad.

You make me look shit now.

I don't know why I leap from a bat to that, but that's what it reminds me of.

Same injustice.

I love the thought of a stunned person on one of your shows like doing a massive stunt like smashing through a window rolling through a fire lying on the floor and you're going you're making me look

i met up with two friends recently from americ america and as soon as i sat down with them huh here he is

as soon as i sat down the first thing they said to me they went right what would you say a row of soldiers is because they had clearly been having a debate with each other about Brits and what we say and obviously as soon as I said it the the lady of the of the couple it's a straight couple lady of the couple went yeah I told you I was right and she was right but then they told me the context that they'd had this discussion about was actually they'd watched a bake-off episode and Mary Berry had said that she wanted all the crimping on the pastry to be like a row of soldiers and I think Mary Berry would have been talking about actual yeah soldiers of war.

Okay, right.

What was the word?

The classic James A.

Caster story.

What was the word?

Huh?

What was the word?

The row of soldiers?

Oh, I said it would be when you, there's some toaster, you chop it into

thin bits.

Okay, I thought you were talking about like a collective noun, like, you know, sort of argument of witches.

Like, what would you call a row of soldiers?

Oh, yeah.

What would you call a load of soldiers?

Platoon.

A platoon of soldiers.

Yes, if I'm ever...

I once fantasized about having

a careful.

Okay, James, you've told me about this before.

This is a podcast, man.

You can't bring guests in here and start telling them about your fantasies because this is Charlotte Church all over again.

Oh, no.

Oh, man.

Charlotte Church really ruined my life.

We love Charlotte Church.

Yeah,

she was a fantastic guest.

And then James said, you want to be in a waterfall?

Charlotte called James a pervert immediately.

It was fantastic.

What did you mean?

She wanted to...

have her water course from a waterfall and she said i want to hold the cup under the waterfall and have it I said, are you going to hold the cup under there?

Or do you want to be under the waterfall like that?

And I was not thinking like dirty, pervy, like wet t-shirt stuff.

At all.

But Charlotte Church, man, she went there.

She went there.

She

threw me in amongst it all.

And everyone was like, that guy's a grubby little perver.

It's never, it's all people shout at me now in the street.

Okay, so what are you fantasizing about this week, Jane?

A toaster that has slots for soldiers.

That That is a genius.

You could put a whole platoon in there at once.

Yeah.

That is so clever.

My daughter, Marnie, who's my youngest daughter, she likes to have two dippy eggs for breakfast before she goes to school.

So I'm constantly making soldiers.

Yes.

That is my morning routine.

How many soldiers for two dippy eggs?

I do like two quite big slices of sourdough and then...

chop them that way and then in half and so there's quite a big mound of soldiers right she doesn't really eat the egg she just eats the soldiers

yeah actually you know what i do when when i i drop them off and i come back and i'll have the egg but i've recently realized that my cat likes the egg and i've walked in on the cat in on the egg so i've obviously come in before

and eaten this egg and my cat's been in there you've been just yeah i've been eating cat eggs just to be clear because you weren't very gra you weren't like as detailed it's like look eating the egg she my cat stands on the table and licks the inside of the egg which i've left there after you know to go and do the school run yes i've come back not realized the cat has been in my egg yes and i've then eaten the rest of the egg and it's disgusting i understood that story okay absolutely perfectly the first time okay james what did you think was happening the egg

You thought the cat was fucking the egg.

Okay.

You are a perf.

they're gonna be shouting at you on the street.

You sent me down that grubby road and then I was like, oh man, the cat's there

on top of the egg.

That's a great idea, though, the toaster.

No,

that's not a great idea.

I'm ashamed of myself.

Don't encourage it.

Oh dear.

A toaster with the soldiers.

Yes.

I never used to be able to use the chopsticks actually until I was about...

Actually, I never could do it.

Yeah.

But one time I was on a flight from Sydney to Tokyo and I sat next to a Japanese lady and I just observed her and I learnt everything from

why are you look looking like that?

Because you're having a go at me for waiting for you in a phone box and you sat next to a woman you didn't know and washed her hands for the whole flight.

Yeah, well, I wanted to see what she was doing with her chopsticks.

And I learned everything from that.

You didn't ask her, did you talk to her and say, what's the secret?

Yeah, I mean, the way you paint it in a very different light then.

But, you know, I think

it it wasn't like we were having a big long chat the whole flight but it wasn't like i didn't say anything either you know we would have had a couple of exchanges it was very nice food you know yes you yes you you you having the um japanese dish as well you're very nice yes the the you know something like that

you're very nice no the the sashimus are not you're very nice

that you said to her you're having the japanese dish as well you're very nice i thought you said that as well but well yes she was she was she was very nice she was very nice person you know but i didn't mean it like that.

But you observed her.

Yeah, I observed her.

And now you live your life like her in all ways?

Or just the chopsticks?

Yeah, in some ways, I live my life in that way, you know, because I use the chopsticks with her.

And also, if I were to ever fly to Japan again, I would be going there for a euthanasia session.

Yeah.

Like her, like she was, you know,

final journey.

So she said, look, she said, I've had enough.

You know,

She said, I've got a terrible disease and I've had a good life, but I'm going back, see my family, and then it's a euthanasia session.

End it all.

So I can assure you, the fact I kept saying, you're very nice and looking at her hands.

She wasn't bothered.

She wasn't bothered.

She was well beyond all that.

She just thought, if there's some weird pervert looking at my hands, fine, let him.

Within minutes of getting off the plane, she was dead.

She actually went straight into...

She didn't even bother going through immigration.

She didn't even bother re-entering her own nation.

Just as soon as she got into the sort of the arrivals area, they just put an injection in her and off she went.

I mean, in some ways, it wasn't strictly euthanasia.

It's more of a, more of an assassination.

Yeah.

But she knew it.

She knew about it.

It was a pretty bonus.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, in fact, she had said to me, please help me.

I'm in danger.

There's assassins.

I'm going back to Japan.

I want to go back.

I don't want to live my whole life in exile in Sydney.

But there's a danger.

I said, don't worry.

I'll be looking out for you.

Don't worry.

If I'm here,

you'll be safe.

She felt, I think, comforted to know that I had her back.

I was going to be...

And

as soon as these people all went around her, like with syringes and

chloroform and poison darts and various other killing methods.

As soon as they did that, I just, I said, oh,

transfers this way you know i was off i was off yeah there's too much to handle it there's a lot a lot for you to take on all at once isn't it so we've all had that excuses you know on a plane you sort of bond with someone on the plane and then you say oh we'll keep in touch yeah yeah and oh you you're taking the same flight are you to uh

yeah i'll see you on there yeah and then they they just give you the slip and then you never see them again similar to that but much worse because

i promised i had promised that i would protect her yeah i would protect her life i was she said to me you know you're a stranger but we have a connection now because you are guaranteeing my life you're going to protect me yeah and she said that shows what decency you have as a human being because ultimately you will protect me And I said, well, it doesn't really matter that I don't know you.

That's just what one does for another human being.

We're all part of one human race.

And so I'm going to protect you.

I didn't.

No, she was into the arms of the assassins.

Do you remember her name?

Yes.

Yes, I remember her name.

But you can't say it out there.

I can't say it for legal reasons.

But you hold it in your heart and you think of it every day.

Every time you use chopsticks.

Every time I use chopsticks,

I think of her name.

Yeah.

And

every time I don't use chopsticks, like other times of the day when I'm not using chopsticks, I also think of her because I think, well, I sent her to her death.

It was my fault you know so yeah yeah that's gonna weigh heavy yeah but yeah so I think of her all the time really it weighs heavily on my conscience but when I'm using chopsticks that's when I say her name over and over again yeah sort of like a mantra yeah yeah yeah which is ironically a hotel

which which I stayed in a different one to you a different one to me yeah yeah one step ahead It's like restaurants, like the restaurant near me,

they've just immediately, they've just, there was a sign on the door going, we're a dark restaurant now.

What?

You know, dark restaurants where where they just become takeaway only.

Oh, I thought you meant like one of the restaurants where you have to eat in the dark.

Yeah.

That's a gimmick some places too.

The Japanese say that

harsh lighting, no, low lights cuts the app.

No, is it, is it, uh, is it bright lights or low lights?

Oh, my God.

Bright lights.

I would say

I've never seen anyone go into something so confidently and then fall apart so quickly because there was no like we're just talking about you can be like oh about these dark restaurants or whatever and then right I've got something here yeah yeah I do the Japanese yes yes

I'd say if I'm starting any sentence that starts with the Japanese yeah you got

damn well know where it's going I know where it's going yeah yeah go on The Japanese, in Japanese restaurant, in Japanese culture, harsh lighting isn't a thing.

Japanese culture in restaurants,

harsh lighting cuts the appetite in half.

Low lights keeps you hungry.

So in this restaurant, I want the lights low.

I want little candles flickering around.

And I want to be in a little booth.

I want the booth to be higher than my head.

So I can't see.

I hate the booths where you've just got head.

Do you know what I mean?

You know, the booths.

You know, you get put in a booth.

Yeah.

but you can still see someone's head on the other side of the booth i know what you mean so you're sat and and the booth goes up your neck.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you can't stand that.

And sometimes if you're sitting, you're almost sitting back to back with someone else you don't know.

You just see these heads bobbing about.

If you put your head back, you could almost tap

someone else's head, couldn't you?

I don't want to see that.

I want the booth where you're like, bang, you're like locked in.

Yeah, yeah.

Like there's a pub in Northern Ireland which has...

The crown?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, the stained glass booths.

Perfect.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That's what I want.

Well, James, I'm sorry to say that even though those anecdotes were wonderful, that this may well have been the filthiest year of Off Menu yet.

Yes, and Benito here is

in brackets, a apology to my mother.

Yes, but he's called her the wrong name.

No, he hasn't.

She gets angry if you call her that.

Oh, yeah, she hates that, actually.

Yeah, yeah.

And you know that, Benito.

I got told off for that.

Yeah, you know that, Benito.

She said in a text, don't call her that.

You're in trouble now.

Yeah.

Now, we largely blame Steve-O for this being the filthiest year.

Yes, but unfortunately, some other people joined in.

Angela Barnes, Carol Vordeman, Jenny Eclair, Jordan Gray, Paul Meskel, Arlo Parks, Jimmy Famarewa, Steve O, Judy Love, and John Kearns in perhaps one of my top three highlights of the whole year.

Yes, I couldn't stop laughing.

Not just off menu.

The whole year.

The whole year.

Yes.

You know who I think looks like they stink?

Ziggy Peelgood.

I would never say that about Ziggy Peelgood.

I'm sorry, Angela.

Ed said that.

I've never taken Ed Gamble to Ziggy Peelgoods ever.

And the slush puppy puppy.

No way, man.

What are you talking about?

It looks disgusting.

That slush puppy puppy looks rank.

No way.

It's half of what puts me off.

It just smells like that wet dog smell, that slush puppy.

That's what I think.

Well, you're imagining him covered in his own slush, right?

Yeah.

Well,

you get wet.

If you're making slush puppies all day, you're going to get wet.

And if you're a dog and you're wet, you're going to smell.

It doesn't matter.

I think it looks disgusting, disgusting, that slush puppy, and they should get it off of the branding because, like, it puts me off nine times out of ten.

I'm not getting a slush puppy, that little rank thing.

Look at it.

It's called a pushback.

Yeah, it's called a slush puppy.

You can call it something.

Yeah, call it a slush puppy still.

Or whatever.

But like, don't have that puppy on there with his little like woolen hat as well.

I think that makes it worse.

Little beanie that it's wearing.

Slush puppy machines are so old now.

Like, it's such an old 80s thing that they're often quite faded, the slush puppy machines.

They're often a bit, they look a bit sad.

and sad i get that that makes it look like he stinks even more this is the most i've thought about slush puppies ever i think i think it'd be a sad day when you walk into kettering leisure centre and there's not a slush puppy machine i think you'd be sad on that that would be sad but like oh i wouldn't mind if i walked in there and there's a slush puppy machine but the actual stinky slush puppy's not on there i'll be happy just to not see it how would you know it's a slush puppy machine Hopefully it would say the word slush puppy on it.

But it could be made by anyone.

But then that would make me think of the slush puppy, right?

Well, yeah, then it's in your mind anyway.

Might as well do it.

i guess they need a new mascot who looks a bit cleaner and looks a bit less rank than that little another animal maybe another maybe maybe slash pussy

can't believe it

the most disgusting thing

even if i'd thought that even i wouldn't have said it yeah but but i am

he knew you'd like it yeah yeah big laugh from angels he knows his audience he knew you'd absolutely love slash pussy there's not

there's not many people who say that in front of That's true.

Launched right into it.

That's true.

I didn't say that in front of Sir Lenny Henry.

Yeah, yeah.

That would have played a silence.

And we would have all felt sad after the episode.

I think you'd love a slosh pussy in a premiere in.

Slosh pussy in a premiere in.

Oh, God.

I don't know.

It's a good James Bond film.

I've never seen a James Bond film.

I don't know.

Octopus Pussy is a James Bond film.

I can do it.

Slosh pussy.

I'm trying to join in, but I'm just trying to make it less.

That's what I'm saying.

How about an animal?

I'm just going to try to bring this back.

How about an animal that should be wet?

Like a slush duck.

Yeah, but if you say an animal that should be wet, it's going to say slush pussy.

Slush ducky would work.

Slush ducky.

Oh, it's slushless.

I can handle slush ducky.

Yeah.

And the ducky can be called Siggy Pilgood if you want.

I think that's even cooler.

You can't peel a duck.

You can't peel a duck.

You can, but only once.

They'll put you in prison.

Yeah, yeah.

I've got a funny story.

Funny scouse story.

Yes, please.

Okay, really funny scout.

Last time I went up there, so you've got to understand, I grew up in North Wales, that bit strip of North Wales that's, you know,

a third scouse, really.

Yeah.

Real, I went to school in.

Oh, man.

I had a bad gig there.

Did you?

They destroyed me.

Really?

Yeah, supporting Milton Jones.

They absolutely destroyed me.

Did they?

The audience.

They called me to high heaven.

Yeah.

They didn't, did they?

Oh, yeah.

They showed me.

You've never been back.

I've never been back.

I understand.

So Liverpool is up the road.

So you go to Liverpool for a night out and all that kind of thing.

Last time I went, I went to a big do.

It was Jamie Carragher.

And it was to raise money for,

I think it was for a local hospice, could have been a hospice.

But anyway, it was this big gig at the Titanic Hotel.

Have you been there?

Stunning.

So about 500 people have paid money.

Rod Stewart was there.

Pixie Lott was singing.

So not a huge venue, but a lot of people.

So Rob was there was on the next table.

And I've known him for like years.

Anyway, part of the thing is you go, don't you?

And then you go from table to table and you have selfies and all of that.

And everyone's going, hey, hey, Carol, come in.

Come in.

Come in.

We love Vordas, you know, and all of this.

I absolutely loved it.

So we go round, round, round, round, round, round.

The night's getting longer and longer.

I'm having a great time.

And then I go to this set and this woman goes, oh, Carol, come in.

Come Ed.

Eh is Forders.

She's going to the tape.

She says, come here, come, come here.

So I'm going there and we're like arm in arm, me and this woman.

And she goes, see him there.

And she pointed to this bloke on the table who was like, I don't know, in his 30s or something.

She said,

she said,

you've been in his wank bank for six years.

Can you have a selfie?

I mean, there's a lot of...

I mean, I was going to say there's a lot of questions we can ask about that story, but I don't think we will.

Nothing we know.

I think we already know the answer to that.

Well,

six years is very specific yeah anyway i did tab the selfie and told him not to laminate it

all right well doesn't need to it's always fun there we go that's life

um that's life you should wrap up that anecdote

that's life

anyway that's life no one else is life i told i told i went over and told rod he said oh i've got to go over and shake his hand i said i wouldn't advise

again it i'm going a bit scandy I want a fish platter, but without any bones.

You know, a bone-free.

I don't like bones.

I don't like them, any circumstances whatsoever.

I don't like a bone chicken thigh.

If I'm cooking a chicken something or other, it's got to be boneless.

I'm not having bones.

And Jeff's very bone phobic because he wants Mr.

Ferry when he was five because he got a bone stuck in his throat.

I mean, it ruined a family holiday and he's never been allowed to forget it or something.

So he's...

Jenny, give me a second with that.

You've packed a lot of information to that story there.

And I've got to imagine it all play out.

Jeff is bone phobic because he missed a ferry when he was five, because he got a bone stuck in his throat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's bone phobic.

And I'm bone phobic as, well, we don't like bones.

What can I say?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, Jeff prefers food he can mash with a fork.

You know, he likes that.

But is he bone phobic because he got the bone stuck in his throat, or was it specifically because he missed a ferry?

It was because he missed a ferry.

And that very well.

Yeah, it made his life difficult for a while because it was a family holiday and it all got a bit...

Oh, God.

So, and then he's focused on the bone thing.

Yeah.

i shouldn't have got the bone stuck in my throat yeah guilt guilt it's amazing what things you know things when you're a child when you're a child how what an impact it can have in your life where was the ferry going to i've no idea i never and was never interested enough to ask you know when you're sort of quite interested up to a point and then you go that's enough detail

so this fish platter will be um there'll be the okay we'll have some smoke we'll have salmon um and i want it 70s style you know when they used to dress a salmon like a fish right poached salmon salmon.

And I want it with olive eyes and cucumber gills.

Properly done.

Yeah.

You know, pale pink and pretty.

I like, and a prop, you know, nice.

I'm quite fussy about china and plates and things.

You know, I'd quite like, you know, the state banquets.

I'd quite like to borrow their, I'd like to see what they eat off.

I couldn't do gold, though.

I couldn't have metal on a, you know, a metal plate.

That would annoy me.

And I can't eat, you know, when sometimes you're eating a boiled egg.

and someone's giving you a silver spoon that's a bit tarnished.

It's the worst taste in the world.

Something I'm very, you know, there's some things, and if cutlery is badly balanced, you know, some people, they think they can reinvent cutlery and then it'll sort of be weighted in the wrong direction.

And whatever you do with it, it's on the floor and you think, oh, for fuck's sake, you know, it's just a knife and fork.

But I want a classic knife and fork.

I want it nice.

Yes, classic.

And I like nice plates.

Do you need, you know, fish knives, the flat ones?

Yeah.

Why are they necessary?

Why are they there?

They are there because there was a time in history when people didn't know what to buy each other for wedding presents.

And it's as simple as that, really, really.

I think.

It was a fish canteen.

Yeah.

They were called.

Yes.

But is it to get the get it off the bone if it's

a bone?

So you definitely don't need that for this.

No, no, no, no, no.

I prefer to, I'm eating some of this with my fingers.

That's another, you know, that's another reason why I don't go to restaurants.

I'm, you know, it can be a pig.

And I have smoked salmon as well.

I do love char-grilled octopus.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You know, really sticky, really sticky.

I want some lobster in here.

Oh, yeah.

And I'll have it out of its shell because otherwise I get in in a mess, you know, and it all goes under my fingernails.

Shell's a bone by a different name.

It is.

Yeah, you're not shelophobic.

You're bona phobic.

Sorry, bone phobic, not bona phobic.

You're bone phobic.

Bone phobic.

I think I might have just since developed shelophobic.

Yeah, I'm bonophobic because I've got one stuck in my throat, Mr.

Train.

Is that true?

See, I'm very gullible as well.

No, I'm just making a jump.

Even though he got a bonus stuck in his throat.

He's got a bonus stuck in his throat.

I was making a sort of dick jam.

A penis tray.

I'm quite deaf as well, so I didn't really hear.

You had to really enunciate the dick jams properly.

You shout them in my face.

So I got this boner stuck down my throat because I was gobbling on a boner.

That's how I think I had to do it.

I am 11 years sober, but I'm going to put some alcohol onto the list because my drink of choice

was a Jager bomb, and I miss it dearly.

On a daily basis, I miss that lovely, what's it called?

The digestif.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think what you call a Jager bomb a digestive.

Well, hey, would you care if I had a digestive?

We hope you enjoyed your bummy.

And there was a cheap version of Jager Bomb called Jungfrau that you could get if you were doing it at home, which I sadly did.

Because there's a reason I don't drink anymore.

I drank way too much.

But I had this dream of like...

I didn't go to uni, but had I.

I remember researching that at uni, they have like these little beer tasting clubs and things that you can go to in the first week to like, to be friends with people.

And I thought, I'm going to start one of them, but it'll be specifically for jaeger bombs that are paired with various different energy drinks and we tried different drinks and i'd make a like a really glossy like pamphlet with all

the tasting notes and yeah and how like monsters different from red boy stuff and i found the perfect pairing because and i'm sorry to do this to you ben but this is a naughty word to have on a podcast yes there's an energy drink and an energy drink called pussy energy drink yeah and they know it's rude because they put a little star over the you it's not even like baby

i thought that was gonna be way worse yeah imagine i thought oh great suddenly just changed the tree completely drunk something called cunt juice

that's what i was expecting yeah

the

there's an integencore pussy and if you pair it with jaeger meister in jaeger bum it tastes exactly like a marks and spencer's percy pig without any a deviation it's a fizzy pussy jordan this this is so great but you can't tell james stuff like that.

Yoda Lee?

This is going to be the end of his life.

Oh, man.

You telling me Percy's in liquid form now?

He's absolutely having that.

Texting his girlfriend saying, get a crate of pussies.

Yeah, listen.

When we get back, I want to see all the pussy you can get.

So it's a Percy Bomb, if you want to call it.

You could call it a Pussy Pig, or you can call it a Percy Bomb.

I'd go with Percy Pig.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's what I want to submit.

We're going with Pussy Pig.

Yeah, yeah.

Write down Pussy Pig.

Might down down pussy pig.

Because that is what it's called.

Pussy pig, cocktail, I suppose you call it.

What is a Jaguar bomb?

I mean, it's not.

I wouldn't say cocktail.

But yeah, you're right.

But it's not a shot either, is it?

It's not a shot.

And it's not a mixed.

It's not like a mixer.

It's not vodka and coke because it is supposed to be downed.

Which most drinks aren't.

Most mixed drinks aren't designed to do that.

Yeah.

It's sort of got the energy of a shot, right?

Yeah.

If it tastes like a Percy Pig, I'd want to be sipping this.

I don't want to be a long time.

It's a long drink.

Perhaps it is a long drink with little pink ice cubes and stuff like really partnering it up with maybe it's a Marks and Spencer's collab situation.

Yeah, yeah.

It'd have to be a co-lab that'd be they'd come after you with everything they've got if they knew that you were marketing your own Percy Pig drink.

Yeah, but they're not also they're not going to sell a pussy pig at the services, are they?

I at least like to sit in on that in that business meeting.

We call it pussy pig on nothing.

But like, oh, I mean, it sounds great, obviously.

Obviously, it's some of my streets unreal.

Properly used to get me.

and it's not something you find anywhere.

So you have to make it at home as well.

So it's very much a drink to be enjoyed and solid at a friend's barbecue or you can always show up with the pussy and get their party started.

Obviously, I think all Percy pigs are veggie now, aren't they?

They are, yeah.

But the original veggie Percy pigs.

With little green ears.

The little green ears.

Would you say?

So I think they're my favourite Percy pigs.

Where do you stand?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a different texture to

a chewy gummy, isn't there?

You get to recognize them as vegetarians and vegans, like the strawberries.

They're a bit harder.

Basically, a vegan gummy is a little bit harder because of the old gelatine and that.

You're right.

And also, perhaps one of them on a little cocktail umbrella on the top of it makes

a lovely look at.

Yeah, yeah.

Where do you stand on Percy and Friends?

Yeah, yeah.

The Pals.

Sorry.

Pals.

Sorry.

Percy and Pals.

Sorry, he doesn't.

I like the story of it.

I like my...

What's a story of it?

I love that written on the back, is it?

Well, he's a globetrotting, isn't he?

That's what it's globetrotting Percy.

That's what it says on the front of one of them.

And I think that's because the species.

Ben's nodding with such solidarity.

That was so sweet.

That was so adorable.

I think the animals are more exotic.

So there's like a zebra.

Do you know what the flavour of a Percy Pig is?

I do, and I shall tell you, but do you want to guess at what the actual flavour is?

I've got no idea.

If I can remember,

I think it's raspberry.

You're very close.

Strawberry?

It's strawberry and kiwi mix.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay, I wouldn't have got that.

I would not have an idea.

And that's what Pussy Energy Drink is.

It's literally strawberry and kiwi, which is why it tastes exactly like it.

I have no doubt that a Percy Percy Pig contains raspberry or did at some point or some variation has raspberry.

I think the sheep has raspberry in it.

Yep, and there's a Coca-Cola.

The Coca-Cola flavoured cow is my favourite of the powder.

That's why there's the best of the pals.

That is without question.

In fact, I could even retroengineer my cocktail to just be a Jager bomb and Coke with one of those sweet cola flavoured cows on the top.

That'd be just as happy with that.

Yeah, I'd love a bag of just the cows if Mark or Spencer are listening.

I would love it.

If we had a bag of just the cows.

Well, they do the drink now, right?

There's a Percy Pig soda that they sell in Marks and Spencer.

It Everything up, sorry to swear.

It won't be boozy.

Like you're won't be boozy.

But I mean, it's the same general idea.

No, no, no, no.

A virgin pussy pig is what you're saying.

Oh, God.

That's smart.

Watch sales plummet.

Yeah.

Why do they call it that?

Oh, I've bought a bottle of this virgin pussy pig.

No, thank you.

Absolutely not.

Nowhere near that.

That's right up my street.

Gonna do a wee.

Did you make any noises when you're eating this Carbonara?

It was a lot of like, oh,

oh my God.

Oh my God.

Yeah, that's good.

Would you use that in your acting?

Say you're in a scene where you're eating an amazing meal.

Would you imagine the Carbonara when you're eating it?

Would you go method with the Carbonara?

It's like smell of the fart acting.

It's like, oh my God.

Like

something like a really

important moment, like a revelatory moment for characters.

Oh my god

oh my god

i'm just thinking past that yeah oh my god can i get more parmesan no sorry paul you said parmesan out loud

i would think about like food memories if i had to do a sex scene

because

i think about really delicious food yeah and how i felt about it but then that's not going to be sexual so i'm not going to Because I wouldn't want to be in a sex scene and I'm going to have to draw from sex.

Yeah, yeah.

Because then the worst thing could happen.

And then I think my life's over.

And then somebody's throwing cream on your face.

Yeah, I'm getting cream from all angles and it's not nice.

So I think I would want to think of delicious food I've had so that my face is showing my absolute pleasure and ecstasy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But everything downstairs is completely chilled out.

Yeah,

yeah.

It's just happy as Larry.

When I was doing a sex scene, I have to say.

Can we get an ashtray?

That was one of those things that was deleted from Cinderella, actually.

Sexy.

The mouse was having sex, and they'll turn into a human half over.

They changed the PG rating.

Yeah, yeah.

It was pretty bad.

And what was the reaction of the person that you were having sex with in the scene?

Well, remember, I was a mouse at the beginning, so it was another mouse.

So they exploded.

No, no, no.

Luckily, he died.

Luckily, I just.

To the director's card.

I loved her.

I loved her.

And then they cut that out from the film.

They were like, it was too real.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not real.

But

my acting was so good.

Yeah.

The director pulled his eyes.

He's like, James, I'm so sorry.

It was an amazing performance of you having sex with a mouse.

But we just, we couldn't do it.

Yeah.

We couldn't have it on there.

But I was thinking of favourite foods while I was doing that scene.

Nice.

At the beginning, I was thinking of cheese because that's a mouse's favourite food.

And then I was thinking of ice cream when I was a human.

Method acting.

Yeah,

I'm very method.

We won't ask you about shooting sex scenes.

I'm sure you've been nasty a million times.

I mean, I'm always thinking about food during sex scenes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's my

it's an exclusive.

That's what I think about.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, my next question was, um, the toys are all suck, but it was relating to the pasta.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my god.

We've told this on the podcast before, and it's another story that doesn't go anywhere.

But like, you know, when we were in New York, Ed and I, we walked ages to go to this pie place, and then it was shut.

But, like, all we could think about was how much we wanted some of that sweet American pie.

Not like the film.

We weren't doing that.

I was going to say, that's what, that's what I was thinking.

We weren't doing that with the pie.

He's trotting across New York.

He couldn't wait to get to that sweet American pie.

I thought it was a cultural tradition there.

I got chucked out the shop pretty quickly.

Out of here.

That film, man.

what a film we had to talk about that with brett goldstein recently he asked he asked us what the uh most brett goldstein does a film podcast so we did a mashup for comic relief with uh the food podcast he asked us uh

what's what's the most arousing meal meal in a film is and i said just everybody fucks the pie

i might have said it yeah yeah

because i was 13 years old and watching a sex a sex film

though.

You weren't 13 going, oh,

that's sex.

As far as I know of that, I don't have a clue.

I probably know what to do with a pie more than a person.

James grew up in Kettering, so the only apple pie he could lay his hand on was McDonald's one.

He really burnt himself.

Boiling hot.

The kingdom come.

My money's just getting better now.

I'm going to have some beef suya as my side dish.

It's probably more of a snack or a starter, but it's definitely not a main.

And I think because the main that I've chosen, the beans, it's quite kind of simple.

It's quite restrained.

There's no meat on it.

Suya, for those that do not know, is a kind of like addictively fiery barbecued beef that's kind of like traditionally sold by like the roadside and kind of like little kind of outdoor grills in Nigeria.

it's not it's northern nigerian in origin and it's in this dry spice rub which is called yadji specifically or suya spice and that's got peanuts in it so it's kind of mixed with like ground peanuts with kind of dried pepper it's like chili pepper it's got some ginger in there and it is like the most addictive thing you have ever had in your life genuinely it's out of control there's something about the combination of like sweet roasted peanuts and kind of quite intense heat with like charred strips of like a beef or you can have it with with chicken you get it in newspaper when you go to um if you have it traditionally in like nigeria and it's kind of you know it's quite primal you're ripping it out of the paper with your hands a cold beer as well and i think that'll be a good little matchup and it's and it's the sort of thing it is one of my absolute favorite um nigerian dishes and i think i write in the book that the first time i tried it actually was some that had been smuggled into the country by by a relative who had like frozen it.

I still don't really know how they did it.

I'd frozen it like in like a tin or something, like hidden it in their bag so that like it escaped detection and then got it to the UK and then it kind of defrosted and then they sort of like gave it to us.

And I mean, you know, the fact that I'm still eating this, like,

you know, like when it's kind of essentially been in someone's suitcase.

but yeah it's amazing and it's it's a really really good dish yeah oh it sounds great even if it hasn't been muled into the country are there places you can get it

yeah there's really really good I think you can get it all over and there's a place that delivers nationally actually called Alaji Suya which I would massively recommend they're in Peckham and they've got like they've got a couple of locations but they've got a main one in Peckham and the yeah they're they're really really good they use really tender meat they're yadgi their spice is like they give you an extra little baggie of it for the for the hardcore.

And I would also recommend Chishiru, which is like quite an acclaimed restaurant that's in London by a chef called Jockere Bacchare.

And she does like really nice bavette steak, like with the spicing on top.

So that's like a little sort of like edging towards bouginess version of it, but it's still as delicious.

We were going to go there once.

Yeah.

Were we?

Yeah, before, I think it was before COVID.

Yeah.

We butchered it to go.

Yeah, I think we were going to go there.

And then it, and then everything everybody.

You should go.

She's amazing.

She's such a good cook.

And like, it's funny because I've eaten Suya on TV shows and also like spicy dishes as well.

And it is a weird thing, isn't it?

Where I feel like I do like spice, but I don't know if it likes me as much as I like it.

Like there's a really growing body of evidence of me just like sweating and just looking like, what are you doing?

Like, just like, you know, I don't know.

Like, and it it was funny like growing up because a lot of my friends would have that thing of like wanting to get the hottest curry and you know when Nando's kind of arrived and I'd be sort of like ribbed for like oh if I went for if I didn't go extra hot at Nando's and I think growing up with food that could be quite hot and with like a lot of spice and stuff I just didn't really understand that kind of real oh god you've got to get the hottest one it's got but like but yeah I don't know how are you guys with are you I love it

I absolutely love it, but I wouldn't, it's certainly not for any sort of masculine proof reasons.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just genuinely love it.

As long as the flavour's there,

and they're married together, brilliant.

Yeah, delicious.

If there's no flavour, it's just really hot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just kind of like a blunt heat.

Yeah, I like it to take.

to take me to the absolute edge.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

And when I start sweating and getting tingling,

I think that's part of it, isn't it?

It's almost like physical.

Like there's another other end of the spectrum in terms of cuisine but um thai uh there's a few like speedboat bar i don't know if you've been we went yeah did you see

that's another place i went i went and then the next week i went back with him because that the one dish at speedboat bar where they were like uh do you like hot food like yes

and it came and it got me so close to the edge.

Oh man.

But I know when I've gone over the edge because I start hiccupping.

Right.

And I just started to get the hiccups.

It was the

Chinese sausage and the mustard green salad yeah yeah yeah oh it's amazing yeah the the prawn civiche stuff there was off the chain yeah i i really want those again it's so

i remembered after we were talking about them the other day and how much we liked the food there and then i remembered the drink that i had that me and jamie dimitri ordered yeah and it was like that it was that beer jelly beer jelly beer

like a frozen beer that had like ginger and honey in it yeah holy hell oh baby like that that that's a dangerous drink yeah yeah gulping that down like it was juice i was all ready to be angry at that restaurant because it used to be the taiwanese yeah

yeah yeah yeah which i loved which the bow guys did yeah which is like the most beautiful restaurant i've ever seen yeah yeah but it's zoo was it zoo yeah yeah it was just a stunning restaurant yeah but that is everything is like yeah yeah

proper sort of pulse pounding i think when you do it you're like because like plaza cow gang the kind of precursor to that, which is in arcade below center point.

And that was my, like, you know, and they bring out little sort of, like, afterwards, you have these little like milk, like little, almost like little shots of like pink milk that are kind of meant to like tame the spice type thing.

But, you know, when you're just like,

I want more.

And people look at you and they're like, you sure you want more, mate?

You don't look well.

You sort of look like, I don't know if it's a good idea.

Like, yeah.

But yeah, it's so addictive.

And yeah, like Suya definitely ticks that box for me.

It's just such a, it's such a rush.

It's kind of like, you know, to the point where there is a little bit of a thing in Nigeria, especially in like Nigerian culture, where it's a bit like...

And my mum's a little bit like, what is in that stuff?

Like, she finds it a little bit kind of, she's not sure about it.

She's suspicious.

And there's all these rumors about various kind of, you know, I think that,

I mean, I did write a piece about it.

There's various rumors of like it being almost like a bit of a natural Viagra type thing, like that there's kind of like weird sort of

added things in there.

So just be aware of that.

Yes.

Before you have started.

So where can you order this from?

Also, those rumours are started by someone who was eating suya and got a bona, right?

And that's just like, that's the person who started that rumor.

Yeah.

Must be the suya.

So yeah.

Natural Viagra, guys.

I'm hard as a rocket.

Not that I'm an unstoppable pervert.

Yeah.

It was the CEO.

You didn't actually have any of those.

It's Steve-O's Bucket List special.

What's extra exciting about this conversation is that it's the very first

formal promotion for this special

that I've done yet.

And I don't even know what the messaging is.

I can tell you that I'm positive that this special

will not be on Netflix or HBO

or any other legitimate platform which presents comedy specials because it is actually triple X rated.

Our friends are working on it

and they've one of them has told me one of the things that you've got to do.

And that's

being done.

That you have decided to do.

Yeah, like

there's no way that obviously that's not going to be on any legitimate platform.

Like part of this project and this special, in this special, like I actually blow a load.

I fully,

not only do I, not only do I ejaculate on camera, butt naked with another man strapped to my back, but I do so simultaneously as I fall out of an airplane at 15, 15,000 feet in the air.

Yeah.

Like that's the most ambitious.

like absurd and uh i mean it's just challenging

you try and jack off to completion in a tiny little airplane yeah well i mean i think i'd be too i'd be too worried that because as far as i understand it with that

have you you you filmed that already that's yeah like that's called skyjacking right that was called skyjacking

just to be sure my thing that i'd be most concerned about is that as far as i understand when you ejaculate it's as you jump out the plane yeah which i would be quite worried that when i do that that means i just haven't got my wits about me and i'm going to get everything wrong well i mean when you've got the other guy strapped to your back you don't have to to do anything.

He's got your jizz flying up in his face.

That's what I'd be worried about.

The blowback.

Yeah, he definitely caught some,

what do you call it?

Crossfire.

Yeah, yeah.

But I think if you're agreeing to do that, you're not going to be able to do it.

I mean, dude, it was like it wasn't.

Oh, yes.

It wasn't just challenging logistically.

I mean, it was challenging to get the coverage.

Thank God we had the camera in the right spot on the outside of the plane to really get the money shot.

It's arguably the biggest success of my entire career for how challenging it was.

Because consider this.

I'm sorry for laughing, Steve.

Obviously, I agree with you, but like I said, it's very funny.

I found out that I was already in the airplane.

That's when I found out that

I needed to time the ejaculation within a very precise window of two minutes.

Yeah.

Like that, that's counterintuitive to like, why, like, how's that?

But come to learn that

if we if if we fall out of this airplane at any other time then we miss the drop zone right there's a very distinct area that we have to land in yeah and we're only over that the two minutes is that all you got yeah so for that now that's precision i'm doing the most challenging thing and it has to be precisely and uh like never mind finding the company that was okay with doing this for their banner sure the individual who was uh actively strapped to my back yeah and now for the biggest biggest challenge of all, to tell a story in such a fashion that it makes a theater full of more than 1,000 people find it permissible, not just to watch me jack off to completion, but to watch it joyfully.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, and I did that.

I pulled that off.

That's a feat.

Like that's the, when it comes to the craft of stand-up comedy and storytelling, like, like, I think that's testimony that I have, for the last 13 years of persistently performing, I have developed the craft to a point of mastery where in Alabama, thousands of people are watching me jack off and they're okay with that.

Yeah, well,

I think anyone going to one of your shows, I'd be surprised if they were.

I'd be surprised if they go to see Steve-O in 2023 and they stand up and go, oh, this is too funny.

I'm going home.

Please, Stevo.

Here's my question about skyjacking.

We should ask you questions about food, but I do have questions about you jacking off and jumping out of a plane.

So you know that there's a specific time you've got to jump out and that you've got to

actually get that point.

Yeah, there's a green light on the wind on the thing where the green light goes on and that indicates it's okay to jump.

So there's the green light.

But for you, the green light means it's okay to chizz.

Yeah, exactly.

And the green light's only going to be on for two minutes.

Yeah.

And that's the window.

So when I found this out, I think maybe this answers your question.

I i said give me one minute's notice before that light comes on yeah because

and what's that for are you going

right i've got a i've got to think about were you thinking about a certain thing that you

had a portable dvd player

taped down queued up to a particularly salacious moment in a film

when cameron diaz walks in in the mask

no no something about mary where the guy's got the Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he was watching the Ben Stillis thing.

Yeah, that's all.

That's all the guys strapped to your back was the guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I bet you'll get better.

The reason for all of this,

I've been performing live comedy now for 13 years.

Yeah.

You know, like just grinding and comedy clubs.

And I started 2010.

And over the course of these 13 years, my comedy has improved and it's become a multimedia experience.

Like at first it was just me in a microphone.

That was my first comedy special.

My second comedy special was me and a microphone and footage of the stories I told edited in in post-production to illustrate the stories in a multimedia fashion.

But the footage was not with me on tour.

Now for this third show, which is the bucket list, I filmed everything so that the footage could come with me on tour.

And the footage had to be shit, it's not allowed on jackass.

That was my deal.

I'm going to set my sights for like forbidden stunts.

And the forbidden stunts were very clear.

I had the idea for skyjacking for the last 20 years.

Every time skydiving ever came up in conversation, I would never fail to say that my idea for skydiving.

And

then there's like, God, the things I did for this show, like life-threatening, flagrantly illegal.

For example, I got a medical professional to administer stolen general anesthesia drugs into an IV in my vein while I was riding a bicycle through a field.

And that it like

this medical professional in disguise, I mean, it is just so illegal.

Why was that disguise?

They were wearing a hazmat suit with the face all like pulled.

And yeah, you couldn't.

But then we got another medical professional dressed as a clown, which was kind of appropriate.

And he put a four-inch needle into my spine and injected a drug into my spinal cavity, which rendered me paralyzed while I was in a full sprint.

Yeah.

And that was before my buddies conducted experiments to determine just how paralyzed I was.

So that one is so nuts.

Actually, after that one, I found myself paralyzed on the ground, sobbing because I was just tears of joy were flowing because it's so hard for me to raise the bar from where it's at.

And like, that was such a profound success that it brought me to tears.

I'll tell you what really it reminds me as well because it's that winter feeling of having toffee apples.

So imagine that toffee apple taste or the sweetness of the apple, the little shot of brandy, pastry.

That's childhood.

That's childhood.

That is childhood.

the shot like fireworks night there it is yeah yeah that's what I think that was one of the definitions

nostalgia that's the bit what's your opinion of Guy Fawkes if you're going to go into loose women mode and give an opinion on Guy Fawkes well I'm not great on the history he burnt down the place didn't he he tried he tried to he tried to

yeah so he's a naughty boy yeah and you know at that time everyone has different um emotional needs and people in different places in their life and we're not sure exactly where Guy Fawkes was even though you know we have a story, but we haven't spoken direct to him, so it's hard to really judge.

However, from the evidence, I would say what he was doing was absolutely terrible.

Great, very balanced, very measured.

Balanced.

You've used the evidence.

Yeah, they chopped his knob off when they caught him.

Really?

Why is the knob though?

Oh, teach him a lesson straight away, right?

But it wasn't setting up like setting fire to the places with his dick, was he?

Unless he needed a clinic or something.

What the hell was going on there?

When you heard him setting fire to places with his dick, how are you imagining that?

Is he shooting flames out of his dick, or is he striking his dick against a rough surface like a match?

I feel like he's shooting the flames out.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, bun, bun, bun, bun.

Burn, bam, bam, burn.

That's what I feel like.

He's like, oh.

yeah.

So, like, quick, we got to chop his dick off.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don't think it was in the moment.

They didn't just see him try to set fire to it and just chop his dick off straight away.

I think they arrested him and they were like torturing him and stuff.

But why the dick?

What about his hands?

It's his hands.

These dicks aren't going to get up, go and walk over to a match and light it, is it?

Yeah, but I don't think it was a preventative measure to stop him setting fire to anything else.

I think they'd caught him

and it was like, it wasn't right.

Let's see you set fire to anything else.

I'll chop your dick off.

It was like, we've caught you and now we're going to just torture you.

Wow.

Okay, I suppose that would be the worst form of torture for any man.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.

I wonder if one of the people caught him was an exponent.

They're going, oh, I've got an idea.

Yeah.

Why don't we chop his dick off?

Chat me.

Yeah, chat me.

He never came and threw a stone at my window.

So, hey, I'm going to make you have no dick.

Forget trying to burn down the place and,

you know, causing devastation.

What about the devastation you caught to my heart?

Yeah.

So they thought, do you know what I mean?

You set me on fire and never came back, bitch.

So I'm going to chop your dick off.

That's probably what they thought.

Yeah.

And gathered all the men together.

And then they all were like, yes, yes, yes.

I bet he was gutted when he saw that

Simon.

What's his dick rolling on the floor.

Yeah, I bet he was gutted then.

He was jumping ahead a bit.

I thought he'd be gutted when you saw the people deciding his fate and one of them was his ex.

I don't know where this is headed.

I'm sure he saw his dick rolling on the floor.

And then I think he literally was gutted.

Yeah,

there's a lot of things that start with chopping the dick off.

Best place to start.

That's the best place to start.

But that's why, you know, traditionally, like, you eat toffee apples on bonfire night because the stick's meant to represent his dick.

Really?

Yeah.

I like toffee apples.

Yeah, well, you're eating the apple, apples night.

So what is the apple?

What is the apple represent?

I was going to say.

I'm not going to answer that.

I like eating the apples.

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you're all set for a nail glow up let's get those nails looking fabulous shall we

And also I've still got this basket of beautiful bread.

Yeah, you're dipping.

Yeah.

And the basket is a...

Yeah,

there's a hole

underneath the basket, so it's constantly refilled.

Oh, I thought you were going to do the popcorn trick on someone, but with a bread basket.

Popcorn trick.

Hand up the popcorn?

Nearly.

Knob?

Yeah.

Oh, my knob's going through the table.

What, the bread?

Well, this is what I was confused about.

It's It's the only time I've ever heard anyone say.

I wish.

And that's why's my knob in the button?

Why's my knob in the bread basket?

You said you cut a hole in the bottom of the bread basket.

Which we still need to.

I'm putting a button on that to loop back to what you're talking about.

Put a hole in the bottom of the bread basket.

Cut a hole in the bottom of the bread basket.

And I've only ever heard people doing that with this disgusting popcorn trick where they cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn, they sit their knob through it, and then they they offer someone some popcorn, and the person goes right down to the bottom for the good stuff, and then

they touch their dick.

Popcorn's on the lap, yeah, yeah.

Oh, this bread basket's in the middle of the table.

I don't know what you're doing.

Maybe you're crawling under the table.

My friends are getting a bit they're looking for a fish.

Okay, my brother

were fishing for a bit of

catcher.

Yeah, they just

might grab my knob.

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe you put some so-dried tomatoes on it to disguise it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It rose me.

John.

You know, you know my knob.

It's the low light.

It's the low light.

Yeah, you wouldn't know.

You wouldn't know your knob would light it up.

You can't see a thing.

You're increasing their appetite.

The Japanese say

that low light.

Low light.

reduces your ability to recognise your brother's knob.

Yeah.

That's what they say.

Oh, good God.

The Japanese say, if you turn the lights down low,

you're able to camouflage your knob in it.

What if they're all doing it?

What if we're all doing it as a lot?

We've all thought it'd be funny to do it.

So,

do you all do that at different times throughout the evening?

So, all at once, you go to do it, and you have to stuff all of your knobs through the same hole at the same time into the bread bus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you go jostling for position.

Yeah, but we don't know each other doing it.

And then, at the same time,

And then you all meet for some focaccia and end up grabbing

each other's knobs.

I mean, best case scenario, you grab your own knob, right?

Yeah, best case scenario.

Yeah, best case.

Best case.

You'd be relieved.

You'd be relieved.

Oh, you've been relieved.

Yeah.

Anyway, so yeah, the bread's there.

So what do you mean?

Point bait, get the bread, dip it in the...

In the onion soup.

Yeah.

And then also, if I'm...

John, I do need to look back.

Why does a hole in the bottom of the basket mean that the bread keeps refilling yeah yeah oh in my mind uh i don't know there's a there's a baker uh below us just keeps funneling it up

okay so that's more realistic than what i was saying apparently

well yeah

yeah it would keep emptying surely

surely the bread rolls would fall at the bottom is what benito's saying is that if you cut a hole in the bottom there's a baker funneling them up but surely for catchers going to be constantly tumbling back down the hole and blocking the tubes

having a a nightmare.

There's a portcullis.

He releases.

So every time it's empty, every time the basket's empty, he opens the portcullis, shoves the bread up, shuts the portcullis.

You better put your knob in there if there's a portcullis.

Really?

Yeah, be careful.

Be careful.

Be careful of the portcullis.

Yeah, you and all your brothers, the entire male line, dies in one night.

Oh, the cocks in the basket.

I mean, I'm reading this for the first time, everyone listening, and there's a whole section called burp.

Yeah, I mean,

we should be ashamed of ourselves, putting this shit out into the world every single week.

What, I mean, we shouldn't be able to do a whole category of our best of

that is called burp that follows the category called filth.

So

it's pretty sad.

But listen, 2023, according to Benito, it's been the year of the burp.

We've guests belching in the studio.

And one guest asking, what is burp?

Let's hear from Judy Love, Jenny Eclair, and Paul Foot.

I think the only time I've ever spoken to you about food is just knowing that you like Nando's.

That's it.

I do like Nando's, but my favorite, I think I like Nando's as a quick thing with the kids, but my favourite, I think one of my favourite West Indian food is oxtail.

I love it oxtail.

It's got to be cooked really well.

It's got to be succulent and just drop off the bone, sweet and nice.

Nando's is not, it would definitely not be my,

you know, if I that one amazing meal.

No, yeah, this is the drama conversation we had.

Wipe images.

The gas from the smuggle.

I was trying to not bilch.

I was trying to catch you.

I was trying to not burst.

Yeah.

So you chose to do that as well.

I was trying to hold it in.

And it just, what did my face look like?

I missed it.

I was that I turned turned around and thought I just heard a honk.

Yeah.

Can't you see my face?

Yeah, your eyes closed and your bottom lip went over your top lip.

And then you kind of blew upwards into your face.

You bumped in your own face.

Yeah.

I was trying to hold it.

It's very gassy, this diet coke.

I was trying to hold the belch because it would have came out.

I can't even belch silently because I've got

the mic in my mouth.

I was trying to hold it and then it just forced its way up.

Yeah.

Well, you got away with it, Judy.

Well done.

I was beaten up by

i'm glad we filmed this now yeah oh my lord

you'll see what your face looked like

don't you worry

oh my gosh

i'm going back for more

so chapel down if you're listening that's what happens when she has bubbles

that's great sending to do that for point you want lady backers to come down to the vineyard and burp in her own face?

Oh, Lady Backers.

Lady Backers, they might, they might say copyrights, Lady Backers, but I didn't.

Lady Macca, because there is Bacchus.

How can I say it?

Backshot.

Yeah.

Lady Backshot.

Yeah, yeah.

Lady Backshat.

Backshat.

Backshot.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she could say

it's backshot's the opposite of a facebook.

Yeah.

Lady Backshot.

She'd be like back shot, but it's, yeah, it is the opposite, isn't it?

My gosh, Ed.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Damn.

You know, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just loving every second of this, Judy.

Just enjoy such a good time.

Enjoying ourselves.

The

older and wider audience know us better than to do that.

They know that we are,

I'm,

excuse me, sorry, diet coke.

And I don't burp, but I did tiny one then.

Coleslaw, we are big coleslaw fans.

So the other side dish I was going to

suggest was a Solariac remoulade,

which is a posh version

of Coleslaw.

Excuse me, now I'm burping.

I absolutely love it.

And I don't burp.

No, no, you don't.

No, no, no, no, just

now a million times on the podcast.

But

I am in good health.

Congratulations.

But I have one weird thing about me, which is not really a health thing.

And I only really realized eight months ago.

But I used to, if I had like sparkling water, anything sparkling, like sparkling cherry cola and things like that.

then I would go all bloated inside.

And then if I had like all rich food, I would have to go to the like the blue and it'd have to release it in a really violent way that sounded like I was being sick.

One time I was at the Dorchester Hotel having one of those Michelin star meals we talked about.

And then I said,

show me where the loo is, please.

It's all very polite.

Who's this way, please?

Don't give so much sir and all that stuff.

Then I went in and there was like some really rich people in the loo.

It's the Dorchester.

And I just went

like a vomiting sound.

But it's like a vomit sound.

Yeah.

But it isn't.

Yeah.

But it's like all the gas coming out all violently.

Wow.

Anyway, and I couldn't work out what it was.

And I thought it was because I'm swallowing air as I'm eating, eating too quickly, and kind of air's going in.

But anyway, then suddenly I was having a conversation with a friend a few months ago.

And he said something about, oh, I just did a little burp there.

And then I said, what is burp?

What?

I just said,

I said, what is burp?

Because I didn't really know what burp was.

I didn't know.

I'd heard the word, but I didn't know what burp was, you see.

And then I discovered that you can burp either loudly, like little

burp noise, or silently.

But the point is, I realized that never in my whole life have I ever burped.

Ever.

I've never burped.

I didn't know what it was.

So

I've been training myself in burping because I looked it up online and it's quite rare what I've got.

It's quite rare, but you can have it done by under general anesthetic you have to have botox injected into your sort of like down in the mouth down down in the throat that yeah yeah to help you burp to help you because it opens it up and then you can burp after that but i was trying to do training because i saw an internet video of a man trying to do a burp and one time after brushing my teeth i managed to get my mouth all full of that little toothpaste then i managed to do a belch

and i have been able to more recently do like release all the gas in like the vomity way but less loudly than before like I'd be on aeroplanes and like the cabin crew would say are you all right what's going on yes but anyway so you could so the problem is that you're getting all that gas in there but you'd have no way of releasing it other than this weird vomit sound I can't release it other than the weird vomit sound but then strangely enough two weeks ago and I hadn't even eaten or anything.

I've been doing all this training, you see.

And then I was just changing a record on my record player.

And suddenly I did a burp.

And that's the first one in my whole life but I haven't done one since that was about three weeks ago right but there's maybe a hope that I yeah and the next step would be another burp and the next step after that would be a silent burp which is like that's like a real pipe dream to me at the moment like I'm more likely to be in panto with Christopher Biggins than

not that I want to no you don't want to do that I don't want to do that it's unlikely but it's still so anyway so um so that's that's that's why for that reason I would have this still water yeah So the last thing I need is more more bubbles inside me because of that thing.

It's got a fancy name for it.

Really not being able to burp.

Yes.

And you can have it done, but you have to have it done privately.

And it costs about £4,000 or something.

But it's what concerns me is that, you know, you've got to find, it's privately and you've got to find someone who knows what they're doing.

It's not like the NHS when with the NHS, you can have something done on the NHS for free.

And if it goes wrong, you can then just live with it for the rest of your life.

But tell everyone and just say

the NHS they let me down there's been so many cuts so many cuts in the NHS it's a disgrace it's been running to the ground

I went through a routine operation on my hip I've been in agony ever since I had a routine operation to check something to do with my gallbladder I've been uh I've been incontinent ever since and I can't have sex anymore it's a disgrace that's what that's what's happened to the NHS and after it uh they paid me just fifteen

compensation.

It's not a march is it?

Considering I've lost my sex life.

I've lost my sex driver.

I've lost my ability to

You know all that stuff.

Yeah

So

you know if it's private you know you've got you can't do that.

No, no.

So it's best to make sure they know what they're doing.

Yeah, yeah.

So that's why I thought, why didn't I just train myself to do it?

It must be possible.

I mean, if you've done it where you were changing the record or you're recording player, that's a good start.

Yeah.

Maybe you remember what the album was you were listening to, the music.

Maybe that helps.

Maybe it relaxed you.

Vivaldi, was it?

Certainly not.

No, it was JS Bach.

I wouldn't have been listening to Vivaldi.

Talk about second rate.

I can't believe you just said that.

That's like the most insulting thing you can say.

The idea I was going to listen to Vivaldi in my own home.

In my private sanctuary.

When I finally got into my own home, done a complete sweep of the whole house, checked that that Ed Gamble isn't there anywhere in the home, and I can just relax.

The idea I'm going to put Vivaldi on and then burp, well, it's insulting.

I apologize.

I apologise.

I apologise.

That's all right, James.

Well, there we are.

I mean, that's genuinely the end of the best of, is the burping.

But as ever, we end our best of episodes with the annual pop-doms or bread complication.

That's what Benito's written.

Certain complication with a full stop afterwards.

We'll be back with a new series in the new year.

And yes, we will be releasing the episodes from the live tour.

Oh, no, actually, I'll say it in the tone that Bonita will have written in.

And yes, we will be releasing the episodes from the live tour.

Bye.

Bye.

Pop it up softbread.

Pop dumps or bread, Jenny Claire.

Pop dumps or bread.

Okay, right.

That was so good.

That was a big one, wasn't it?

Yeah.

We're in the studio.

Is it called Plosive?

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, you did a very plosive pee then, and I got some of it in my face.

Yes?

Popadums or bread.

Pop loves or bread, fan breddy.

Pop dumps or bread.

Poplums or bread.

Pop lobs or dead.

Better tell you, baby.

Pop loves or bread.

I just say poplums are dead.

That's the first pop-ups or dead of the bread.

That's the first pop-doms or dead.

Yeah, it was good.

Pop-loves or bread.

Pop loves or bread, Joe Cornish.

Pop loves or bread.

Well,

I'm a bread.

Pop-lumps or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Jimmy Famarewa.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop loves or bread, Kyle.

Pop loves or bread.

Bread.

Pop loves or bread!

Pop logs or bread, Nick Frost!

Pop loves or bread!

I'd never, who would ever.

I mean, I think it all will be revealed when I...

But yeah, the bread, not pop-a-dom.

Pop-loves or bread!

Pop loves or bread, Lily Allen!

Pop-loves or bread!

Uh, mmm.

It's toughy, isn't it?

That's why you've asked it.

The tough questions.

Pop loves or bread!

Pop loves or bread, Lost Night will pop loves or bread!

I was.

When you say pop-dubs or bread, are you referring to the Carla Leon sitcom?

Pop dumps or bread!

Pop lobs or bread, hello, parks.

Pop dumps or bread.

Bread.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop loves of bread, AJ Doodle.

Pop loves or bread.

I'm going pop for dumbs.

Pop lumps or bread.

Pop loves of bread, Harry, Kenzie.

Pop dumps or bread.

Obviously, been looking forward to that for a while.

Yeah.

Poplums or bread.

Pop loves or bread, it's a hot.

Pop loves or bread.

Bread, spread.

We're going through the Irish door and we're gonna have some soda bread.

Eat the spots.

Pop dumbs or bread.

Pop loves our bread, Paul Mascara.

Pop dumps or bread.

I always thought I'd be ready for that.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, V Shear Smith.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop a dumbs or bread.

Yes.

Oof.

Pop a dumbs or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Steve-O.

Pop-a-dums or bread.

Pop-a-bread.

Pop-a-dums or bread.

Pop-doms or bread.

Eat, Jimmy.

Pop-dums or bread.

Pop-lumps or bread.

Pop loves our bread, Carrie Adler.

Pop-dums or bread.

I've got a request.

Yeah.

Can I have a pan of chocolate?

Yes,

pop-dums or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Cameron Borderman.

Pop dumbs or bread.

Pop a dumbs because they are just like congealed dust.

Poplums or bread!

Pop lobs or bread, Alex Jones!

Pop lobs or bread!

I can't even believe it's a question!

Poplums or bread!

Poplums or bread, Graham Thompson!

Poplums or bread!

Poppa dums or bread, yeah?

Poplums or bread!

Pop lobs or bread, Jordan Gray!

Pop lobs or bread!

Poppa dumbs, yeah.

Wait, hang on.

No, bread.

I do apologize.

I know you didn't mean it.

I didn't mean it.

Deep down, I like you.

Pop a dumps or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Paul Foot.

Pop a dumps or bread.

Oh, poppa dumbs or bread.

Poppadums.

Poplums or bread.

Poplums or bread, Yoja Batodenki.

Poplums or bread.

I didn't know that was I was going to ask this question.

Of course, bread.

Who eats poppadums?

Poplums or bread.

Poplums or bread, Nick Mohammed.

Poplums or bread.

Pop a dumbs, James.

Poplums or bread.

Poplums or bread.

Poppy.

Poplums or bread.

Poplums or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Angela Barnes.

Poplums or bread.

Bread's obviously bread.

Poplums or bread.

Pop-lums or bread.

Don't you mind?

Abagado.

Pocock.

Poplums or bread.

People with double barrel surnames, it's very hard to shout pop-dums or bread at.

So they have to do it really quickly.

Poplums or bread.

Poplums or bread, Don Fedge.

Poplums or bread.

Oh my god.

Poplums or bread.

Poplums or bread, Fox Pew.

Oh, Poplums or Bread.

I'll get bread.

Poplums or bread.

Poplums or bread, Galf Marenkey.

Poplums or bread.

Pop a dumbs or bread.

Um.

Or Popadoms.

Poplums or bread.

I don't like it.

Poplums or bread, Halabara.

Poplums or bread.

That actually shook me shit myself.

Yeah.

I knew it was coming.

Pretty impressive, isn't it?

Poplums or bread.

Pop logs or or bread, Campi Burke!

Bread!

Pop lobs or bread!

Bread!

Poplums or bread!

Pop lobs or bread, Steve Coogan!

Poplums or bread!

Pop a dumbs or bread.

Well, not

pop a dumb.

Poplums.

If I'm in a curry house, I'll have poppadums, but generally, no, I love good bread.

Poplums or bread.

Pop loves or bread.

I didn't know that was a question.

I'm not prepared.

Poplums or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Paul Fig.

Poplums or bread.

I'm ready.

I'm ready for this.

Poplums or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Paul Rudd.

Poplums or bread.

Bread.

Strawberry?

Yeah, strawberry jam.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop logs or bread, John Cairns.

Pop lobs or bread.

Uh, bread, please.

Can I have some bread, please?

Thank you.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Judy Love.

Pop lobs or bread.

I don't know what happened, man.

You might get deported from Shakanda.

Your dream.

What a podcast we've been recording.

This has been

wildly entertaining.

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Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies is coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September at 7 p.m.

at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickity-click-click.

London, we're coming.