Ep 216: Dawn French (Christmas Special)

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised go to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast taking the scon of conversation, spreading on the jam of humor, adding the clotted cream of friendship and we got ourselves a cornish scon podcast james oh now why is ed saying a cornish scon i guess we'll come to that later listeners that's ed gamp huh yes yes later that's ed gamble my name is james a caster we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite a guest in and ask them their favorite ever start of main course dessert cider and drink not in that order and this week our christmas guest merry christmas is dawn french we win boy oh boy we have won Christmas.

Now, sometimes we have a guest and we're like, I think we might be in national territory here.

I mean, this is the prime piece of national treasure.

Yeah, this is the main bit.

Unless that sounds disrespectful.

The main bit that Indiana Jones will be after.

Yeah.

The main bounty.

Yes, the main bounty, Dawn French.

So excited.

Obviously, we are huge fans of Dawn French.

We are very, very excited that she is coming into the dream restaurant.

Yep.

That generation of comedians that

we wouldn't be comedians if it wasn't for Dawn French.

Correct.

And take that as you will.

Yes.

Sorry, Dawn.

Sorry if that

makes you regret everything you've ever done.

Yes.

But what a career.

What a back catalogue of work.

Yeah.

Just buzzing.

And we're going to be talking about something she's done very recently, which is her new book, The Twat Files.

The Twat Files, a Life of Mistakes.

No regrets.

Yeah, I was looking forward to hearing you say that as well.

No regrets is one of your favorite catchphrases.

I love saying no regrets.

It's really really funny.

Yeah, really funny.

Excited to talk to her about the book.

Excited to talk to her about her dream menu and excited to talk to her about her dream Christmas food as well, James.

Yes, it is Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all those who celebrate.

Yes.

And we will be asking Dawn what her...

Every year, I think we've always done this, is there's a little Christmas course that we chuck in there for the Christmas specials.

And we will find out what Dawn French has for Christmas dinner.

We will.

Very excited.

We should get on with it, but we do have to pick a secret ingredient, James.

This feels

bad.

I don't really want there to be a secret ingredient for this one because I want to make sure that Dawn French does not get kicked out of the dream restaurant.

But as always, if the guest picks a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, they will be kicked out.

Yes, she will be kicked out, but I think we've picked something that she probably won't pick.

Yeah, yeah, we've deliberately.

We've deliberately ruined our own format.

Yep.

So as to not remove Dawn French from the restaurant.

And this week, the secret ingredient is Marmite cakes.

Marmite cakes.

Marmite cakes.

We just looked up some trivia about the vicar of Dibley.

And of course, there was the character Letitia Cropley, and she cooked weird stuff.

And in one episode, she cooked Marmite cakes.

Like a dessert.

Like a dessert.

Marmite.

Even though I think about it and I think Marmite cakes actually sounds quite nice.

Yeah, actually, it would be good.

It'd be good.

It would be nice.

Marmite and chocolate.

I've eaten a Marmite and chocolate brownie.

I've said it many times on the podcast.

It was delicious.

But I don't think Dawn's going to pick that.

So I think we're on safe territory.

I think we'll be okay.

But shall we find out?

Yes.

This is the off-menu menu of Dawn French.

Welcome, Dawn, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

Welcome, Dawn French, to the Dream Restaurant.

Look, it's already quite dynamic and loud.

I'm liking it.

Yes.

I like your glasses.

You've only just, as we were starting, put your glasses on.

Yes, because I need to read something.

I love them.

Thank you.

Why?

I've not seen that design before.

I like the metal frames.

Yes.

I like how the tops are thicker than the rest of it.

I like the shape of them.

I've not seen that shape of glasses.

Thank you.

And do you know what I like?

They're very light on the face.

I've worn heavy face furniture before now.

And this is light.

And I'm in this school now.

Yeah.

Would you wear those glasses then?

Absolutely.

Would you?

Do people ask to try them on?

I won't be lending them to you, mainly because of size of head, if you don't mind me saying.

I've got a big head?

Yeah, in a nice way.

Yeah, a man-sized head.

Yes.

Quite square.

Yours even squarer.

Yes.

But I've got a feeling there would be some stretching.

Yeah.

And I can't risk that, I'm afraid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because stretching leads to slippage, and we all know what goes.

It's a slippery old slope.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't think I've...

I hope I don't need glasses because I have a very small nose and small ears.

So I think I'd struggle to keep them on my face.

You've drawn my attention now to your nose and ears.

Quite small.

Yeah, quite small ears.

Can you hear it?

Can you hear me

yeah just about there's a bit of a delay but yeah yeah i can yeah so whenever i wear sunglasses they sort of struggle to do that stay on my face because did you get them from a mouse

yeah my father

your ears my father's a mouse you know how people like grow human ears on mice's backs yeah yes Ed had mice ears grown on the side of his head.

Yeah, I'm an experiment.

I'm a big experimenter.

I'm growing four mice.

Wonderful.

How generous.

How are you doing, Dawn?

Do you know?

I'm all right.

Yeah.

I mean, if you want to know the absolute truth, do you want to know the truth?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got a wobbly knee.

Oh, yeah.

And this is honestly the bane of my life.

Because I wanted to, well, I wanted to get to dying without any faults.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, the odd cold maybe or something or a pimple.

But now I seem to have the big stuff that means you have to have butchery done to you.

Yeah.

And so I've got this really dodgy knee, which happened as a result of doing a stunt.

Really?

yeah you may not know this but i have in my life pretended to be a vicar yes and when i pretended to be a vicar i also jumped in a puddle you may not know this yeah very young um and it's very very famous scene very very famous

but we're the exact right age for it yeah yeah okay so when i did the jumping in the puddle uh that was all perfectly good Did have a secret, we just telling you that.

Anyway, it was warm.

In the puddle.

It was warm.

It was November.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah.

That's allowed.

No one else was going in after me, it's all fine.

So,

I've then been asked to jump in endless other puddles, yeah.

You know, so I went on Paul O'Grady's chat show, and he, this is a million years ago, and you know, it's a flat concrete floor, it's a TV studio.

Yeah, how are they gonna?

They've asked me to jump in a puddle to finish the show, and I'm agreeing.

And they built a hill so there could be a puddle at the top of the hill, a hill out of scaffolding and astroturf.

I mean, this is a disaster.

How many so how many puddles have you had to jump in post jumping in the puddle many many every year for coming relief

nearly always say yes but but when i did jump in that 10-foot one jump 10 foot no actual water inside it why did i say yes to that what you jumped you just jumped i just jumped 10 foot truck well yes i mean there was a there was a small plastic membrane type thing because they couldn't put water in it they put two inches of water on top of the plastic membrane yeah slightly vulva-like, if you don't mind me saying.

Screens, please, Dr.

Freud.

And I've jumped into that, but then from there onwards, nothing, nothing, nothing, 10-foot drop, heavy drop onto this left knee.

So this is all for the sake of comedy.

I've donated my knee.

to comedy.

And comedy that you've done before as well.

Comedy I've done before.

You nailed it the first time.

Do it again.

Showing off, frankly.

That's astounding.

So now you've got knee problems.

Now I've got knee-growth because of that.

You get arthritis where you've had.

Yeah, let's blame Paul O'Grady, who's frankly dead.

Yes.

Let's blame

him.

He won't mind.

He won't mind.

He won't mind.

He won't mind.

He'll take it on the chin.

Yeah, yeah.

So that's the reason why now you've got a wobbly knee.

Yeah, got a wobbly knee.

And in a minute, well, not a minute, several minutes,

somebody's going to put a new one in there.

Wow.

And here's an interesting thing.

See what you think about this.

This problem started many years ago.

And when I first went to see the knee surgeon, he said, you're going to need a complete replacement knee in in there one day.

And I went, let's see.

Then I went to see him a couple of years ago and he said, right, now I've done some closer looking with machinery scans or whatever they call it.

And now you will need a partial knee because the technology is such that now it's not an entire knee.

So then I said, going by this trajectory, shall I just keep going and never need a knee?

Will I just not need any knee at any point?

He said, no, that doesn't work that way.

Did you have to tell him about the puddle?

No, actually, I haven't admitted to that because I don't know, I'd feel foolish.

Whereas I'm with you, and you're a couple of twats, and I'm quite happy to, I'm happy to be foolish with you guys and admit my shortcomings.

But to a surgeon, you want to sort of be grown up, don't you?

Yeah, yeah.

You just say you're really good.

I ruined it by doing balance.

Because he might say, well, you don't get a knee then.

Yeah.

And you jumped in a puddle at Paul O'Grady's show.

No knee for you.

Yeah.

Now you called us a couple of twats, which we liked.

Any other guest would be offended.

But of course, from you, it's a great podcast.

It's a gentle slap.

Exactly.

Because you've written a book called The Twat Files.

I certainly have, thank you.

Which is, it's not about other twats, really, is it?

No, it's maybe.

You're reclaiming the word twat and talking about times you've been a twat.

And you know, it's really an alarming amount.

Yeah, it's a big book.

It's a big book.

And I honestly promise you that that is about a third of the amount of stories in there.

It's shocking.

It's shocking.

When I first thought, oh, this is quite a good conceit to tell stories about your life or mainly stories about work.

That's what I set out to do the tour.

I thought I'll talk about, I don't want to just do levee anecdotes, but I might tell stories sort of behind the scenes.

You know, I did a bit in Harry Potter, so and I filmed a scene with the hippo.

Why don't I tell people what actually happened with the hippo?

You know, that kind of thing.

And then I thought, actually, I was a bit of a twat that day.

So then I told that story.

Then I told another story.

And I thought, oh, God, I really have been a twat.

Like, I'm a massive twat, and I didn't know it.

You know, when there's always one twat in the room and you look around, you can't see one.

That's when you know you are the one.

Oh, no, it is.

That is continual for me.

It's just, I'm just, I'm a twat wrapped in flesh.

Yeah.

That's me.

I know that sounds wrong.

So sorry.

No, no.

That starts to sound offensive, but it's not.

That must have been bittersweet going, I think this would be a really good idea for a book.

And then you start thinking about it, and it just came too easily.

Yeah, too easily.

But don't we love the joy of owning up to your utter idiocy?

Absolutely.

I think it's like a basic human need to tell stories of idiocy.

I mean comics do it all the time.

And actually mates do it, don't they?

You know, it's like I love it if a mate says to me, you know, you'll never believe what I did and tells me some stupid, foolish thing they did.

It's almost an act of trust

when somebody does that.

And I think, okay, well, I'm not going to judge you for it.

I am going to laugh at you because you've invited me to, but now I'm going to tell you a story.

I'm even going to try and trump you with them.

Not trump at you,

but I'm going to try and trump you with my idiocy.

And then we're, you know, then we're loving each other a bit.

Also, I don't like any comedy where the comedian wins.

No.

I need the comedian to be, I've been a twat and here's why.

Absolutely.

And where's the fun in success, actually?

Yeah.

There's nothing to be said for success.

Absolutely.

Actually, what I would say is if you have been only successful and there's no such thing really, but if that's all you ever talk about, you are just an arsehole then.

Yeah.

You know, you're not even a twat, you're just an asshole so so let's forget that because we don't i i don't really care about people's successes that is the problem with all the filters and the stories about yourself look where i am look good look at my interesting hair look at me i'm here i i know these people you know just all of that to me is because i'm old and so that is like oh it's a bit boasty and weird i don't like it and you're just saying aren't i great aren't i great i don't like you

i don't like you if telling me that.

I don't know how to connect with you.

I don't know people that are just great.

Everybody I know is a twat.

And I want to meet other twats.

That's where I can connect properly with my folk.

Yeah.

It is weird.

So, yeah, I've never heard anyone say, Oh, have you followed such and such on Instagram?

Their life looks so great.

I really like them.

Yeah.

I really think they're brilliant.

I like them.

I've only ever heard people go, you got to follow such and such.

They're fucking nasty.

What a wanker.

Absolutely.

Hate them, jealous of them.

And what we know is it's not true.

We know that.

But why are we buying it then?

Yeah.

Why are we buying it?

And trying to be as untrue and as fake as that.

So I'm trying to sort of, I'm just trying to own the kind of the lovely imperfection.

Honestly, I can tell you it's liberating, massively liberating.

And maybe it's something that comes with age, where you don't feel like you have to impress people anymore or you have to

give the best of yourself or anything because

you know

we're going into weird territory here i'm my brain's going to weird territory it's like the difference between porn yes and proper lumpy slightly

wiffy

sex that's you know where it's real and with the real person yes really flawed person

I mean, I have been known in my life, you know, to just go, look, before we go any further, can I show you all of this?

Let me just show you all of this.

Here are all the lumps, the ones that are supposed to be there.

Here's the other ones that aren't supposed to be that quite alarming.

Just get used to it.

What do you think?

Interested in a visit or not?

A visit?

Because this is what it is, and I'm interested in your weirdness.

So

let's have a go at it.

At what point of the evening is this?

This is before you go on.

This is very early on.

I quite often would, this is back in the day, obviously, before marriage.

I don't do that anymore.

I will hand out,

you know, a card which says where would you like to visit um upstairs outsides upstairs insides downstairs

outsides

yeah these printed up or golden golden thing which might cost you dinner downstairs insides you know or do you prefer do you do you smoke no uh do you you know i will get i'll get things sorted i'm quite organized yes yeah yeah yeah yeah but i do like real stuff real bodies, real people, real mistakes, real everything is what I'm interested in.

Also, I had no idea there's a real, that was a real hippo that you were in a room with.

I thought, I assumed

that CGI'd you

as the lady in the painting.

Oh, no, there was a hippo.

And there's hippos behind you.

I didn't think you were really with a real life hippo.

I was with a real life hippo.

But here's the thing.

Now, I'm going to tell you something that I talk about on stage now, which I'm not supposed to do, but I'm going to tell you.

So I was asked if I was happy to work with animals, and that I was told by the director that there was a hippo.

I didn't, I just said yes, because I wanted to be in the film.

I didn't think about it until the day when I was taken into the great hangar at Leveston Studio and left in a pen in the middle

with sawdust.

And an unpleasant man came and he was the animal ranker.

And he came and shouted at me about, and I really did obey.

I do obey

shouty people, which I shouldn't.

I shouldn't do that anymore.

He shouted at me and told me that I must not run.

Whatever happened, I must not run.

And he said that they were going to be bringing in a live creature and to pay it some respect.

Stand still, do not run.

Did I understand?

I was like, Yes, I understand.

I understand.

He then explained to me that the script called for a female hippo, but this was a male hippo.

Do not run.

That's already ominous.

Yes.

Then he said, This hippo may want to sniff your privates.

Do not run.

And you sent the hippo the cards.

Exactly.

I was wavering then because I thought, I don't think that's part of the contract.

No, no.

When you said, do you like working with animals?

I wasn't imagining this.

This is too much.

Then he said, this hippo may want to mate with you.

And if it does, if he does, his skin will start to foam.

Be on alert.

Look out for that.

Tell me, do not run.

So then I thought, oh, God, I need, I'd like to run now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I didn't, I, you know.

So they went out and they backed in the trailer with the hippo and I could hear it thumping about inside.

I was genuinely terrified.

He went in to bring it out and do you know what?

It was the size of a Labrador.

So the word they had all neglected to use concerning the hippo was the word pygmy.

It was a pygmy hippo.

Don't run.

Don't run.

And I'll tell you something.

It did sniff my private.

And I'll tell you another thing.

Its skin did not foam.

I failed.

I failed to ignite the ardour of a pygmy hippo.

That's a fact.

And I really care about that still to this day.

Yeah, yeah.

I feel failed.

Yeah, that is

quite a dismal.

I failed.

But it was tiny.

So the script called for me to hide behind it.

Yes.

Which when I read, I imagined the hippo-sized hippo, not a pygmy-sized hippo.

But the only way to do that scene was to be on all fours behind it.

Yeah.

So to try and hide my fairly bulky self behind a tiny little hippo.

It was, it's ridiculous.

And when you see it, you don't even, as you say, it could have been CGI'd.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't even, you sort of see the hide of it.

You don't even really see what's going on.

Also, if they're worried that the hippo is going to want to mate with you, and then they're asking you to get down on all fours.

I know.

Encouraging it a bit.

I know.

Who's caring about me and my well-being?

And what could have happened?

Absolutely no one.

What could have happened?

Yeah.

I could have been the mother of very tiny hippo babies.

It would have been, it would have been against God.

It would have been against everything moral.

Everything.

And I would not have been allowed to run because I'd have been obeying.

Yeah.

And staying still.

I'm a king.

You could have run a pick-me hippo, surely.

Yeah.

Do you know, I don't think I could with my wobbly knee.

I don't think this was a few years back, but even so.

Thanks to O'Grady.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Thanks to you, O'Grady.

I have to mate with a hippo.

We always start the dream menu with still a sparkling water.

Yeah, I know exactly what I'm having there.

Yeah.

Can you guess?

I think you would have still water.

I think sparkling daughter.

I think you're right.

Yes.

Sorry about that.

Sorry about that.

But I quite enjoy the gassiness and I quite enjoy the burping that follows.

You know, I quite enjoy that.

And it also feels posh, doesn't it?

Yeah.

I know it's a rip-off.

I know it's wrong.

I know it's expensive.

I know all of those things.

But if I'm going to deny myself foie gras for all the right moral reasons, I'm going to have the sparkling water.

Sorry.

Are you disappointed now?

No, no, he's annoyed that he guessed wrong is what's happening.

Ah, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I thought I was being really clever because of all the stuff you were saying earlier, difference between twats and arseholes and successful people.

I am a twat.

I'm saying I am a twat, so I'm allowed the sparkling water.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Because it is mainly twats that drink sparkling water, isn't it?

I guess is it mainly twats or is it asshole territory?

The successful territory?

No, no, I think it's twat territory.

It's just twat territory.

Yeah, twat.

Yeah, it's forgivable.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Would you like to jump into a puddle of it?

Oh, oh.

Oh, Ed Gamble.

I apologise.

There's something

I've never considered.

But if you want to organise it, I'd be there.

It's your dream restaurant.

We've got a genie.

Could it be real water or real proper puddle, not silly studio puddle

where you nearly die?

Yeah, where you're going to do the drop.

No hippos, no scaffolding, just plain old fizzy water, just loads of it, gallons of it.

Gallons of it straight in.

Yeah.

Would you like as well?

Yeah.

Because I think this would be good if Richard Curtis jumped into

a big load of sparks and water and had to do it as many times as you've had to do it over your life.

Richard Curtis was really so far behind the camera watching from a long distance like the coward he is.

But he wrote it.

Come on with Paul Make You Arch.

It was their idea.

I'd love to take the credit, but I can't.

So they should be jumping into the...

They should, but not with me.

I want to do it on my own, thanks.

And there is a joy, you know, there is a joy with

little stunty moments like that.

And I think there's something in me that is sort of British and also trained by my brother that if you refuse a challenge, you will be forever labeled a girl.

So I'm not having that.

I'm not a girl.

Well, I am, but I'm not in his mind, a girl.

And I will do any challenge to beat my brother.

I cannot, I mean, you know, my brother's nearly 70 now.

I'm 66.

If I'm sitting next to my brother, we have to have a fight.

Physical fight.

It really does alarm his children, my children, everybody, because it's quite full-on and it is serious.

It starts with Chinese birds, you know, and it moves on from there.

Yeah.

We can't, it's about being in the back of the car together for years.

Yeah.

You still just slip into those rolls.

There's just a little dig and then another one.

And it's should stay light-hearted, but it doesn't.

It gets quite violent.

It gets out of control.

And I'm prepared to bite.

So just saying that to you.

He's going for the knees every time.

Yeah.

Well, I hope you win the next one.

Yeah, thank you.

I will.

I've got plans.

I've got plans.

Pop logs off, Ben.

Poplars or bed, don't fetch poplars or bed oh my god i think it might be bread yeah it's bread although it's unwise isn't it because

you're full that's always the danger that you fill up on bread yeah and because it's arrived first you're hungry you want it badly i quite like the pushy fogetcha type of bread you know i quite like that or ooh would you like a brown one or a white one out of a basket with a forky thing you know tongy thing yeah i quite like like that.

And if they're warm, ooh, like that.

Well, I'm a genie waiter in this scenario.

Right.

So I could make you unqualify again.

Could you?

For bread.

For the best of the middle.

Oh my God.

After the bread, I couldn't.

That's my dream thing.

Reset you.

I once gave up bread for, in an effort to lose some weight, I gave up bread for a year and I gave up cheese.

the same year.

And then Satan, who works at my deli, made cheese bread.

Yeah.

And then I was lost.

The ultimate temptation was it yeah gave in immediately that satan worked at the deli yeah yeah

and that was it bad luck i love bread it was good cheeseburger yeah and you wouldn't have poppadums unless of course you're at an indian restaurant surely yeah i mean i don't know if you've been asked this before is it yeah it's a strange yeah some some people have still picked poppadums and they're not picked indian for their daily meal but some people just love poppadums some people have picked prawn crackers yeah well you might as well have crisps if you're going to do that bring your own crisps and get started with those before the bread.

And I wouldn't advise it.

No.

No.

Save yourself for the actual food.

I don't think my

menu would exist in a restaurant.

But we're in your special magic restaurant, aren't we?

So it just does.

Yeah.

Nobody would serve me these things in this order.

They're not particularly weird.

They're just not what you would get.

They wouldn't be on the same menu.

No, correct.

And for your bread course, do you want that devil's cheese bread?

oh you

yes i do please you are a bitch yes i do but then well only i can only have it because you're promising me i won't fill up you won't you won't fill up all right because that would be my entire meal automatically yeah okay satan's cheesebread all right thank you satan's cheesebread yeah lovely

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Your dream starter.

Now,

this was problematic for me because I was thinking of all the things I love as starters.

And I do really love starters, but I remember, and this is slightly twatty really, because I remember having this starter in a restaurant ages ago.

So I was trying to remember what my favourite starter was.

And I've never had it since.

And I loved it.

So why have I not ordered it since?

Or why haven't I made it for myself at home?

You know, when you have a little epiphany and you think, this is food I really love.

Why don't I eat it?

It's been wasting my life.

yeah why am I trying to have other inferior starters when this is what I really want yeah so this was thinly sliced pear ripe don't start giving me unripe

thinly sliced ripe pear with really excellent ham

with a sort of balsamic drizzle on the top it's posh I can't even remember where I had this but it was so divine

I'm starting to slobber now

I'm tasting it now It's so divine.

And it was that kind of ham that none of us can aspire to know where it could.

Sarannery.

You know, what they're called.

Not Palmer, but like version of that.

Was it

something like that?

You know, ibericos.

Yeah, something.

That's the best stuff, though.

Is it the best?

Oh, for me, yeah, that's the one.

That's the Spanish one.

That's the one I get really excited about.

Is that when you get a whole side of it and sliced?

Yeah, but yeah, that's it's like that, but very thin, paper-thin slices, and then the drizzle.

Just to let you know, all my family are the same.

My brother went on a school trip once to Spain and came back with a leg of a berrico ham.

Of course.

He spent all the money he had for like little tourist treats and little souvenirs and came back with a leg of ham.

That's good.

Yeah.

And they do last a long time, don't they?

Or do they?

Because my husband's...

before now got one of those which where you buy the the thing it gets

you stack and the yeah and you screw it in it's quite butchery it's quite you know i i own a deli now in my own house which you don't And he started cutting it at Christmas once and then kept on cutting it.

And we were still eating at several months age, and I was worrying.

But then he kept saying, no, mold is good.

Is that right?

With ham, ham and mold.

Do they go together?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe.

Cheese and mold go together.

Cheese and mold, but I guess you can just with that you can cut the mold off and then it's fine underneath.

You see sloughing off mold to get to the ham you want.

It's not

appetizing.

Especially after months of eating the ham.

Months.

Yeah.

And it wasn't the really good one that i'm talking about which i i don't even really know the name of it so let's call it magic hand yeah magic hand yeah

it's marvellous though don't don't you fancy the thought of it sounds delicious i think uh but again i i get what you mean pear in a savory dish or start you know every time i've had it it's amazing yeah but i never think never think to do it at home or even if you're going to try to impress people at a dinner party yeah this would be a lovely thing pears i think pears and you you you if you really want to impress them you might put walnuts I've seen that.

I've seen now.

When you said pear, I thought there's some walnuts coming.

Did you?

I got quite excited that there might be some walnuts coming.

But then I don't think

I would necessarily add that walnuts to the dish you described.

I think that's nice and simple.

Yeah, as it is.

As it is.

But would you have the drizzle?

The balsamic drizlette?

Yeah, I'll have the drizlet and I'd have the ham from wherever it's from.

What we wouldn't have is what often happens in posh restaurants, which is just spit on the top called foam.

You know, where it's really the chef is just bat on it.

Yeah.

Getting away with it.

It's spit of somebody who hasn't drunk enough water.

It's enough.

It is.

Or somebody who's drunk.

Yeah.

That's what it is.

It's a chef.

It's a chef spit.

Alcoholic spit

on your food.

It apparently makes it posh.

I'm not accepting that.

No, no.

I don't think it ever really holds its own.

No.

No.

Foam.

Yeah, yeah.

You want drizlette?

I want drizlette.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Or you can have the drizlet, the magic ham, and the ripe pear.

Ripe pear and maybe in the centre of the table for those who want to be crazy, walnuts.

Yeah, some walnuts.

And would you, would, do you think it'd be a good idea to crush them?

Or would you put whole walnuts?

I think it depends if...

Sometimes it's like raw walnuts on there, right?

And so I find raw walnuts sometimes sort of strip my mouth out a bit.

Do they?

Yeah, they're just a bit like, I get a weird texture in my mouth.

Oh.

But a roasted walnut all day long.

I love a roast walnut.

It's a lot of effort, isn't it?

But we're in a restaurant.

It's all right.

We can have that because somebody else has put the effort in.

But I'm definitely doing this at home at my one of my many many dinner parties that i haven't had for 20 years

i'm going to impress people with that who would be at your dinner party well you guys obviously we're best friends um

fatty saunders always

and her husband the other one uh

and i don't know mary curie maybe charlie chaplin you know the usual yeah

the usual gang yeah yeah i recently opened the drawer of our uh

we got a tv at home well done and uh it's on like a cabinet and i opened one of the the top drawers of it and there was a bag of walnuts in there was that and i thought well my girlfriend's gone mad and i'm gonna be able to like point out instantly i was like um

like figuring this is gonna be great i'm gonna win this why is there a bag of walnuts uh in this in the tv cabinet uh figure like i this that she'd go oh i'm going mad you're right but she was like because um sometimes you and other people put their glasses just directly on the cabinet and it leaves the ring.

And if you get the walnut and you rub it over the stain, it goes away.

I was like,

what?

And then she showed me and it absolutely worked.

Here's a ring that you put there once.

You put there the other day.

Get a walnut, rub it over it, it's gone.

How does she know this stuff?

Yeah, I know.

And I've never, well.

I was going to say, I never looked so stupid.

I regularly look

as stupid as that one.

Yeah, I look

and I walk into those things all the time.

But big respect to her.

I should also let you know: James's girlfriend is Kim Woodburn from How Clean Is Your House?

I love her.

Even further respect.

Call me Mr.

Woodburn.

I'm scared of her.

Are you?

Yeah, she's scared.

She's very scary.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

None of our houses could ever be clean enough.

They got.

And also, they're very tight hair.

Yeah, yeah.

I've got a feeling the face will fall off when the hair comes down.

Sorry, Kim.

Please don't don't hurt me.

I've got a feeling that's what I think the whole face is held up.

It's a very messy house.

It's scrunchy.

If the face falls down, scrunchies pulling a lot of weight.

Yeah.

I suggest using some white vinegar to get my face off the floor.

Yes.

Or if my face falls on the floor, maybe I just use a walnut

to wipe it up.

My main course could be controversial.

It's a pasty.

Okay.

I'm made of pasties.

And if I could have one every single day of my life, I would.

But they probably would have to be made by the people that I love.

So in the magic restaurant, could I have a pasty made by my own mother who's no longer with us?

Absolutely.

Okay, she's with Paul O'Grady.

So yes, it would be my own mother's pasty.

Good second is my husband's mother's pasty,

but it would never be my own mother's pasty.

A third would be almost anybody else in my family's made the pasty.

It goes down, down, down the line to Ginsters.

You know, that's when you if you're up against it, yeah, if you're up against it on a service station or something like that, but they Ginsters know their bottle, they do know, but they still they still support Argyle.

Yeah, and uh, if you if you go to Argyle, you have to buy Ginsters

or not, or in Plymouth,

where I'm partly from, there are really good pasties called Ivor Doudney's.

Ivor Dudi's, known to us as doody's.

That doesn't sound right, does it?

You don't want to eat a doody.

A doody pasty.

Yeah.

But there's no doody in it.

No.

But Ivadoudney's pasties are the ones we prefer to Ginsters.

So what you do, if you're going to an Argyle match is you get an Ivadoune pasty, you stick it down your front and you smuggle it in because Ginsters supports, you know, they sponsor Argyll.

So really you're supposed to buy theirs, but you don't.

And they've got

the hot pasty.

The amount of chest burns I've had from Ividuni's pasties secreted down the front bosoms.

I haven't got any back bosoms, by the way, but I'm saying front bosoms like that.

That indicates I might have back bosoms.

Oh, actually, I think I might have by now.

I think I might have.

You can have a look for me later.

See, yeah.

But anyway,

when I was younger and smuggling them, it was all down the front.

And oh, the heat, the heat, oh, I've got to suffer it, suffer it till half time.

And then, and then

it's got to stay warm, so you're keeping it warm.

You're desperate for someone to get a goal so you could scream,

just for it all to be over,

that you can eat your pasty.

Uh, so an ivor dunies is really excellent, but my own mother's pasty, made with your own mother's love, and that's the whole point.

It's all folded in.

And the history of the pasty, come on, yeah, do you know about them at all?

I, what do you guess?

I know that I've definitely been told it and then forgotten it.

Is it something to do with the people that were going to work and they wanted all of a meal in one thing?

So they invented the pasty, but I can't remember where they were going to work.

Where were they going to work, do you think?

Like the pits, the mines, the mines, the tin mines, correct?

In Cornwall and places like that.

And you're supposed to throw the handle away, right?

Hens are for just holding because your hands are covered in arsenic, which are down the mines.

Mine are not covered in arsenic.

I'm just eating a pasty from the shoulder.

But, you know, their hands were covered in arsenic.

So you would eat one side of the pasty which was your meat and potatoes yeah and then there's a dividing line other side of the pasty apple and custard wow and can i tell you you're going down the mine at five o'clock in the morning yeah you're having your lunch at one o'clock still warm

how

because i think well not the bosoms you know a lot of these guys didn't have bosoms

you know a lot of them didn't have bosoms i don't know if this is just legend but it's something something to do with sort of making a vacuum out of the pastry.

You make one layer and make the pasta, you make another layer, and you suck out the air and plug it.

And that is like a thermos pasty.

Wow.

That's that's the story.

Whether it's just a long story and we've all fallen for it, I don't know.

It's amazing.

I like it.

Yeah.

So that's where the pasty is, that's the history of it.

But there are many wars lost and won about what's contained therein.

Yeah.

Because I once went on tour to Australia and lots of Cornish people went to live in Australia because of mines and stuff.

And they lived in a, oh, what was the, what is the place called?

There's an area of Australia near Adelaide where lots of Cornish people ended up and they're more Cornish than the Cornish could ever be.

You know, that thing when people have gone away and it's like Irish Americans are so Irish.

Anyway, they all settled in this one area.

And I was on a show a bit like the Australian version of the one show.

And I was in Sydney and we were talking about it.

And they suddenly brought up the pasty thing because, you know, from Cornwall.

And they, Munta, that's what the place is called.

That's wrong.

Sounds wrong, doesn't it?

Yeah, it sounds really wrong.

And they put me through live to Munta to Jethro Trewetherin or whatever his name was, who's the third generation of Cornishmen there.

His great-grandfather came over and the Mayflowers.

I mean, whatever.

And he said, Dawn, we've made you a proper pasty.

Obviously, you're there in Sydney.

We're here, but we're going to cut it open for you and show you the pasty.

We've been making it for generations and we'll send it to you.

I said, oh, lovely, lovely.

And I genuinely was.

I've been away for a while.

I thought, oh, lovely.

I'd love a pasty.

And he cut it open.

And do you know what I saw?

Do you know what I saw?

The effrontery of it all.

Carrot.

No, thank you.

No.

You don't put carrot in a pasty.

No.

Turnip, if you want to call it that, fine.

Swede, turnip or swede, acceptable.

Skirt beef, acceptable.

Onion, acceptable.

Pepper, salt, potato, acceptable.

Even dollop of clotted queen, acceptable to make the gravy.

Carrot, never.

Get out.

It wasn't just carrot, right?

No, but it was a lot of it.

You were staring at me.

So then I had to make a decision about, you know, because I've been well bought.

I've got good manners,

I hope.

And I thought,

fuck off.

You thought that?

I thought that.

I didn't say say it.

And I went, oh, that's interesting.

Like that.

And then he said, well, we'll send you this pasty.

And I couldn't help it.

I just had to say, not a rude thing.

I just said,

I'm so sorry to say this,

but that seems to have carrot in it.

And he said, yes, yes, carrot, always carrot.

I went, no, no,

no, no, no, no, not always carrot, no.

Never, in fact, carrot, never.

And he said, yes, this is how the grandfather.

And I thought, I'm insulting his, all of his lineage.

This is dreadful.

But I said, no, no, there's no, no.

You call a pasty anything you like.

Put anything, put small hamsters in it, if you like.

But don't call it a traditional Cornish pasty.

Call it a hamster pasty.

Call that a carrot pasty.

But don't call it a...

And we had a little fallout on it.

Yeah.

Great.

So it caused a burrow.

Is this on YouTube?

Can I watch it later?

I don't.

You might be able to.

What you will watch is me trying to contain myself.

Yeah, yeah.

He was convinced that's traditional.

Absolutely convinced.

Is that traditional for the Cornish people of Munta, I guess?

Something, some abhorrence has happened between Cornwall and the journey over.

They've lost their minds.

Or maybe they couldn't get hold of Swede or something.

I don't know.

There were carrots on the boat.

Maybe.

Yeah.

And they've all gone mad and they've decided that's where carrots belong.

They're wrong.

They're completely wrong about it.

So anyway, in my pasta, you will not see carrot, but you will see these other.

But you want a traditional traditional Cornish paste.

I want a traditional Cornish pasta made by my mother.

The beef?

Was that?

Yeah, beef skirt.

Beef skirt.

Yeah, which weirdly enough, anywhere else in this country, beef skirt is a sort of cheap cut.

In Cornwall, it's the most expensive because we're all making the pasties from it.

Yeah, of course.

Do you see what the butchers are doing?

Yeah, clever.

They're ripping us off.

They're clever, they're doing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was just about to say the most boring thing I've ever said.

No, please say it.

Well, it's like what's happened recently with chicken thighs, Dawn.

Yeah, that's not the most boring thing you've ever said.

I'm just here to tell you.

But anyway,

I'm not finished yet used to be the cheap cut which is why they used it in a lot of dishes especially in like Indian dishes and stuff and then everyone worked out it was more delicious so now it's more expensive than breast yeah yeah how's that that's the world we live in yeah that's what we've got to deal with that's what young people have you brought any children into the world you two no no no well don't because look look what's happening we won't yeah how could you ever explain it to them i know it's my only dream my dream one day to have a child and and feed them on chicken thighs yeah say goodbye to that drink no you won't be able to afford it i know your pasty is just savory then it's not half and half with the custard and the apple no no copy doing that because you get you you don't get enough really i think their pasties were huge and i have to say the size of the pasty is the measure of the cook so for instance my mother would make giant battleship pasties that were a challenge yeah you know so you would sit there until you finished it otherwise she had no respect for you obviously i'm still thinking about apple and custard yeah

yeah and why not?

I'm a sweet tooth boy.

If I was you, I'd have two pasties.

That would be your main course, and that would be

there's a lot of pastry.

And I don't think if I was working in the mines, I don't think I'd even get to the savoury one.

I think I'd eat that.

Really?

Apple and custard one.

Would you straight away?

Straight away.

On the way down there.

On the way down there.

Are you sorry for that again?

On a school trip, but have you already eaten your wagon wheel before you've even left the school gates?

Yeah, yeah.

I've already eaten it.

And then I'm like, oh, no.

Yeah.

Then you started with the wagon wheel and move backwards to the jam sandwich.

And then later when it's like official.

Okay, when it's lunchtime now, I'll get you like, and I'm there, oh man.

Yeah, I'm really regretting.

I know you idiot.

I'm like, oh, no.

What have I done?

Eat my brown bread.

Now I've got to eat my friend's food as well.

Yeah.

I've got to make people share their lunch with me because I've been a greedy dwat.

I was supposed to have packed lunch at school.

Some people had school dinner, some people had packed lunch.

Yeah.

And I got sent with packed lunch and I used to eat it in morning breaks.

Did you?

The whole thing.

And then like sneak into school dinners.

How were you able to get the school dinners if you were on pack lunches?

Just strolled in, confident.

And looked like doughy-eyed at

the dinner lady.

Just bowled in.

I'm starved at home.

Mrs.

Nightingale.

I'm starved by my parents.

Even though they'd all see me sat there eating a full sandwich at 11am.

And I listen, respect you for that.

Completely.

But there's something about a pasty.

Oh, it's heavenly.

And the type of pastry and just the, as I say, the love that it's made with is the answer.

Where do you stand on the West Cornwall pasty Company?

Obviously, that's it.

Yes, allowed.

Yes, yes, tick.

Good.

Definitely.

Because I quite like Corny.

Again, if you're en route somewhere,

I would accept it, definitely.

I like the steak and Stilton from there, but I would never call it a traditional Cornish pasty.

No, thank you.

I would never do that.

And I don't think I would ever order it

because it's not a traditional Cornish pasty.

Have you heard of a pixie?

No.

Well, you've probably heard of a pixie, the small little fairy creature.

But they do make something called a pixie, which is just like three mouthfuls.

Tiny little pasty.

I think it's probably for children.

Yeah, I wouldn't be.

No, I have to sometimes put one behind each year for later.

John, this is a Christmas episode, so of course we'd like to hear your dream Christmas dinner as well before we...

Okay, okay.

Well, this is another thing that's followed you around since the puddle days.

Thank you.

And how many, I mean, I don't know if you've ever seen it, but how many Christmas dinners do you think I ate in that episode?

Well, in the episode, is it three in the episode or four?

It might be four, actually.

It might be.

Within the story.

Yeah.

How many do you think I ate?

I'm

so you're doing multiple takes of each.

Yeah.

Think about how television's made that.

Yeah, yeah.

Over and over again.

You would have had to film that.

You're going the wrong way.

Oh, really?

Going the wrong way.

What are you thinking?

None.

What?

None.

Because if you look at it, it's put in front of me.

I go, oh, dear,

if I can manage this, raise this knife and fork, cut to the end, cut to the carcass.

Didn't eat anything.

Anything.

It was such a disappointing day.

Because when I read the script, I thought, ooh, great.

I'm overeating today of the Christmas variety.

None.

None.

And even all the Brussels sprouts, I think I might have eaten, actually eaten and swallowed, masticated and pooed out.

Two only.

Two only.

Whereas there were many.

There were many on the table, many going in the mouth, but they all had to go in a bucket.

Sorry, everybody.

I'm ruining it all, aren't I?

Forever?

No, we'd love it.

I'd go in a bucket because they would have choked me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that is sad.

I know, it's sad.

It's against us.

I'm over it now.

Yeah.

But

I've forgiven everybody in the production for starving me on that day.

But yeah, that's how teleworks.

It could have ruined Christmas dinners for you, though, if you'd actually had to eat them as many times as you want.

That is true.

That is true.

And actually, I'm pretty sure that is what happens to Vickers, where they get invited to far too many Christmassy things.

So maybe your dream Christmas dinner is

that many Christmas dinners.

No, maybe it is because you were looking forward to eating that many.

Well, no, it's not, though.

It's not.

Because what I'm going to suggest to you is not my Christmas Day dinner, if I'm allowed to veer from it.

Of course.

But it's Christmas Eve dinner.

Now, this is a bit surprising.

And I don't want to disappoint you.

Well, I do.

I do.

It's beans on toast, I'm afraid, with grated cheese and salad cream.

Great.

Every Christmas Eve, that's what we have in our family, because we know the next day is going to be a massive blowout.

Yeah.

And because there's preparation going on and because there's people to go and visit us up every Christmas Eve, we just have agreed over many, many, many years as a tradition.

It's beans on toast, so it's just easy.

And honestly, I long for it.

Yeah.

I long for it.

And that's the beginning of Christmas for me.

Where is the salad cream going in this?

On the side, please.

On the side.

Yeah, not over the top.

Don't be silly.

I didn't know.

So you're dipping a few long as you go go along yeah dipping yeah i like the dipping because then you can measure out exactly how much in each mouthful and also may i say uh if you want to be crazy you could put some marmite on the toast

before and you also could chop the toast into little squares yeah yeah so that slightly american style you can abandon your knife and only use your fork What do you think about that?

Is that lazy?

No, it's not lazy because you're putting in the work beforehand, aren't you?

You are.

You are.

You are.

It just means that you know you're getting the perfect size bite every time.

Agree.

I think some people might regard that as wrong.

I'd actually never heard of that technique before, and I quite like it.

I think it's a great technique.

Yeah, I do.

I do.

And it also means you can hold the plate under your chin in that slightly I'm a dribbler way and you've got the fork and that's it and you're you're just you know it's just

what's that word shovel shovelet

yeah with grady cheese and please cheddar always yes nothing posh we're not we're not going posh there it's christmas Eve.

We're preparing for the 15 vegetables the next day.

Yeah.

Are you just putting like grated cheese on the top and leaving it?

You're not grilling it or melting it?

Not grilling it.

No, no.

I think you're imagining that I'm more chefy than I am.

I wouldn't count that as cheffy necessarily.

I would.

But this is why you won't be coming for dinner at my house because it really isn't good.

You're letting the beans.

melt the cheese.

Yes, I am.

And the beans are very hot.

And if you're my husband, you've put curry powder with the beans.

I respect that.

Dear have you heard that?

I don't like it.

I don't really like baked beans.

So any sort of addition to the baked beans would

yesterday we did a live show of this podcast and we always have a secret ingredient that if the guest chooses it they get kicked out of the dream restaurant.

And they don't know what the ingredient is.

They don't know what it is.

Oh, that's yes.

And because in the live episodes we let the audience kind of help us decide what it's going to be before the guest comes on.

Yesterday they chose baked beans.

Did they?

Yeah.

For their guest yesterday, not for you okay all right okay not for you no i'm aware it's ordinary but i also know a bit like a pasta you can tell i'm sort of comfy it's all comfy yummy yummy so this is the opposite to jennifer by the way i don't know if jennifer's ever been no not yet but you will find whoo different a different class different kind of oh she's all about tentacles and

you know oystery things and little special little tiny things she that's who she is

baked beans probably never but i'm all about the comfort that's i'm a boarding school girl so i think when you've been to boarding school

there's so many mistakes at boarding school with food but what you do is when you go home for the holidays you so want to be outside you don't watch your mum cook you don't learn much about cooking so for me tip top food is like chocolate shake baked beans pasty you know that sort of slow cooker

things in there could be chicken thighs, could be.

Yeah.

You know, but chopped up things that cook for lots of hours and are scooey and filling and comforting.

Yeah, I love bay beans.

So I'll go.

I haven't disappointed you.

No, you're not disappointed me because I like what they signify.

I love this Christmas Eve thing of just having something convenient.

What do you have against them, please?

I just don't like the taste of them.

Too sugary?

No, I just think they're just...

bit bland for me yeah just a bit meh yeah well that's why you would add the curry powder

yeah so the curry powder would enjoy

not thinking it through, I don't think.

Yes, I'm not thinking it through.

Not all the way through.

No, no, no.

Not enough to actually get you to open a tin.

And because you've got a load of different combos there, I would feel that I would want to try them all.

I'd want to have like the curry powder baked beans with the cheese and then I'd want to have standard baked beans with cheese and marmite.

Yes.

And then try the salad cream one, which I'm not sure.

It sounds a bit out there, but it is right.

There's something really good about it.

It's tangy.

It's good.

It sort of counteracts the blandness weirdly.

I just think everyone everyone has a dish like that at Christmas where they eat it and they're like, We've started.

Yeah, really, completely.

Christmas is on the eye.

Yeah.

And I think that's it's nice that it's also you've made that something convenient.

So you don't

have to do it.

There's so much work to do.

And no impressing anyone because the next day is all about that, isn't it?

Oh, the next day.

I mainly take baths.

I'm known for it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My family understands.

I go, oh, I think I need a bath.

And that gives me 40 minutes away.

At what

day?

there.

At what point it could be?

Quite early on.

It can start quite early.

It depends how many.

We normally have the biggest table.

Not boasting, but we have.

I am boasting.

We've got a really fabulous big table.

So we are the hosts.

And sometimes it'll be 30 people at our house.

So that's a lot to think about.

And when they start arriving, I'm already overwhelmed.

Already overwhelmed by it.

So I take baths and everyone understands it just means I'm absenting myself.

Yes.

Obviously, not during the main main eating.

No.

But soon after.

I bet they're jealous that you get to just try and take a bath.

Well, but they think it's quite antisocial, really, but they've accepted this about me now because it's never going to change.

I also bribe children on Christmas Day.

What?

Five reach to do the dishes.

Five reach.

That's been since they were very young.

And in a way, it's counterproductive because they're not very good at it.

So you end up doing them all over again.

But they have a first go at it.

They get rid of most of the grease.

And that keeps them busy for them.

That keeps them busy.

Yeah.

And they feel like, ooh, Auntie Dawn's bribing us again.

But that works well.

Oh, something I want to mention to you, just because I've never said it before.

Yes.

Going back to boarding school.

Did either of you go to boarding school?

No.

No, okay.

I went to boarding school because my dad was in the RAF.

And so, you know, the RF paid for you to go.

So you're suddenly with other posh girls that, and you're not a posh girl, and it's all very weird.

But anyway, the school I went to was an ex-convent, and there was a refectory.

And at the end of the school day, you would go into the refectory and the table was laid out for you to have you would have um bread and butter and jam this is what you had at the end of the day and milk you know or tea uh this is before your supp this is the end of day food so when i first went there very nervous about being there what was i 12 or something and um missing my mum and dad like mad they were missing me too i have to say parents cried their eyes out every time every first day of term and i was told i was allowed to come home any moment i wanted to so it wasn't like a horrible punishment but anyway i went into the refectory and there were the plates with the butter on cold butter chopped up, which I didn't understand the rules of this.

So I thought this was cheese.

And I just ate the butter.

And because I was caught doing it by somebody watching me to see how I would deal with it, I had to pretend that's that's what I do.

So I had to keep on eating the butter.

And I will never forget it.

Was that an adult caught you?

No, another kid, but you know, a slightly mardy kid, you know, is watching you and thinking, you've got that wrong, haven't you?

So I had to go, no, I haven't got it wrong.

I've got it very right.

You've got it wrong.

Because that's right.

I eat butter.

That's what I do.

It's preferable to be the person who eats butter.

Yes.

Than it is to admit that you got something wrong.

Absolutely.

But then you've got to eat another one.

And then another one, looking them right in the eye.

Yeah, every day for seven years.

My name's Dawn and I eat cold butter.

Lots of it.

I love it.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Your dream side dish, Storm.

Here I go again, just being a great big old tub.

I think it's got to be chips.

I'm sorry.

Now,

there are arguments about this in my household.

husband makes big fat ones, which are delightful and three times cooked.

I think because he saw that on a menu once and thought that's yeah, it's the fanciful coke.

Yeah, yeah, so and he claims it's better for you because there's more potato and you dip them in the fat more often.

But I like the very, very thin, the little tiny thin ones that are very bad for you.

Yeah, string chips, are they called?

What are they called?

So those ones are really thin ones.

Really thin ones.

Yeah, that's what I like.

Impossible to make at home.

That's why I would have it because you're going to genie it up for me.

Yeah.

So think about what I'm eating.

Pasty with chips on the side it's great straight to hospital frankly

you've had your beans on toast yeah i've had my beans on toast or christmas christmas

yeah yeah don't go having that during the year like it's normal and okay save it for christmas yeah is there enough gravy in the pasty to dip chips yeah no not really unless

Gravy and pasty is quite a moot point, as I say, because I have known people to put some clotted cream in there.

I've known people to make gravy they pour on.

No, I'm

yeah that guy that guy

recoiling at that yeah

try holding that in your bosom right

the ginsters guys just looking around the stands you're there with a gravy boat just pouring it down

i don't think gravy belongs on pasties at all but and there should be moist sorry to use that word on the inside but not really the so you can dip chip yeah yeah you could if you like dip chips in ketchup yeah yeah or ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together is that i know it's it's like Marie-Rose sauce, isn't it?

Yeah, but it's not the actual Marie-Rose.

It's the Builder's version.

Yeah.

I'm all for that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you'd like, would you like that with your dream meal, some ketchup and mayonnaise?

Oh, yes, I would if I allowed that.

Yeah, of course.

Yes, that would come with the stringy chips.

Yes.

Thank you.

Salt and vinegar?

No.

Salt I'm not a huge fan of.

I've got a thing about salt.

Why is it always salt and pepper?

Why?

Why?

Yeah, good point.

Why is it always that?

Good point.

And you know, people will tell you, ooh, the salt enhances the flavour.

No, it doesn't.

It tastes like salt, doesn't it?

It brings out the flavour of

stuff.

I don't know.

It's magic.

Apparently, what salt does, and I only know this from watching that salt-fat-acid heat show, is salt just emphasises the flavour that's already there.

Yes.

It's why that says that show says it.

But you can use too much salt, I guess.

I believe that show.

I am aghast when I see like grown-up chefs putting handfuls of salt into salt.

It's mad, isn't it?

I don't like it.

I'm not sure it's good for you.

And look at me.

I eat really good for you food, as you can tell.

But I would put a tiny bit of salt in what's inside that pasty.

I would enjoy that.

Tiny, tiny amount.

But if I'm tasting salt over the actual flavour of the food,

and most food has its own proper flavour.

I don't think we're used to what the flavours are anymore without the salt.

Yeah.

I think it's mad when you see what restaurant chefs put in.

The amount of salt and butter they put into it.

Salt and cream.

And cream.

Yeah.

It is shocking.

And sugar for dessert.

Yeah.

When you see them making the dessert and there's three pour in a bucket of sugar in it.

Yeah.

But rather you've reacted to it in a way of saying, well, that's too much salt.

I don't do that at home and my food's fine.

Yes.

Whereas what I've done is now when I cook at home, I put as much salt in as a restaurant chef.

No, no.

Please stop that immediately.

I love it.

Do you think you're a salt addict?

Yeah, definitely a salt addict.

Are you?

Sure.

Yeah.

Okay.

I have a big like tub of flaky salt, moulden sea salt.

Yeah.

And in one of those like sealed things with a with a catch on it.

Yeah.

And I pop that open.

I love listening.

Oh, my God.

Here we go.

With every meal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Before tasting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, certainly, like, if I'm having eggs in the morning, that's eggs.

I sort of get it on eggs.

I sort of get that.

It's a blizzard, it's blizzard.

Very sparing.

Where are you with pepper?

I like pepper.

Yeah, got a big black pepper grinder.

Love a bit of that.

Don't you think it's a bit boring?

Like, ooh, I've made my meal.

Salt, salt, salt, pepper, pepper, pepper.

I find.

Nobody's thinking of other things.

Why don't they go, ooh, licorice?

You know, why don't they go, ooh, chocolate?

Instead, why are they always those two?

Always, I think it's a hangover from preserving stuff with salt or something and getting used to that taste.

I was given, I've been given two things.

I think I've probably mentioned this on the podcast before, but my mum got me,

whatever many Christmas presents.

It wasn't my main Christmas present, but it was a salt, garlic and chili grinder.

Okay, yeah.

So then I just used that on everything.

It was like a reverse.

It was the best thing ever.

And now just using salt is very boring to me.

Yeah.

I just want to use that.

Yeah, well, you've, yeah, you've moved on from salt.

So good.

Yeah.

Someone once sent me from Trader Joe's in America.

It was like a chili and lime salt.

And I started using that a lot of, especially.

That sounds quite exotic.

I just put it on avocado's with a squirrel.

And I cut an avocado in half and just put that salt on it.

Is that lovely?

So good.

Just

chili, lime, and what?

Salt.

Is there a chili lime salt?

One thing.

Yeah, in one thing.

They sent it to me from a place called Trader Joe's.

So the supermarket.

Would they send it to me from Trader Joe's?

Where could I buy it?

I'll bet it's somewhere online.

But also, if you say, my name is Dawn French, I would like that sent to my house, please.

You'd be surprised.

All doors closed.

But salt, honestly, I think is the enemy.

Sorry.

No, it's okay.

So you'll be coming to me when you're 66.

Dawn, why didn't I listen to you?

Look at me.

Look at my flaking skin.

Look at me.

I've got no teeth.

All my ears have gone in with my tiny, tiny ears.

I've just crept back inside my head.

I don't have any to start with.

No, it's all crap.

of the salt, I've got any liver left.

My legs have fallen off.

I'll tell you.

All because of salt.

I hope that doesn't happen to Ed.

Thank you.

Do you?

That's nice.

What a friend.

He will feel very unhappy.

He would.

He would.

If he had no body.

Yes.

Yeah.

Sometimes Benito takes photos of us and weirdly makes Ed look nothing like he looks in real life.

It's a scared.

What happens to you with the photos?

It looks awful.

And Ed will see it and be like, oh, God, oh, Jesus Christ.

So if Ed actually did that in real life,

are you vain, Ed?

Yeah, or not?

Probably.

Yeah.

You're handsome.

You're both handsome.

I'm vain when you're having a good time.

When I look at the photos Benita has taken because he makes...

What do you do?

What does he do?

I don't know.

But you haven't got my husband.

He used to be redhead when he was young.

So he's now very white.

And so he's got quite white eyebrows, white hair, does double up for Father Christmas occasionally, but hasn't got the actual real beard, but puts it on at Christmas, you know, for...

for the kids at his work.

But anyway, he, oh, I've told people that now.

Oh, the kids at at work well no no it's it's him and it's not for it's the ceo it's not actually father because anyway when anyone takes a picture of him he disappears yeah

it's just like a wisp like casper he's gone because of the whiteness he's just not even in the picture yeah but that's not what happens to you what happens to you in the picture i just look like a different guy yeah he just suddenly

with what going on though all his proportions just go all over the place what happens to your face no i don't like it either but i i i've just accepted oh, that's just Ben, how Ben takes my photo, whatever.

What we can do.

Whereas Ed is like, what the fuck?

I'm the sexiest man alive.

What the fuck is that?

Yeah.

We will take a photo after this episode.

Yeah, and then we'll look at it.

And then we'll look at it.

Show me your photo face.

I do.

I'll describe it.

I do a silly face for the

podcast.

It's a big smiley face.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I don't like that.

He's doing a sort of gleeful...

I don't really have a photo face, and I always panic when people take photos of me.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'll tell you my rule of thumb with this, which hasn't been successful this is another trottiness of me is that when I was very small my grandmother told me that I was at my very best when I smiled with every single tooth in my head like that

so I've always done it I still do it now it's bad it's very bad I haven't even got great teeth I think you have to do

quite nice teeth but they're quite because you do do that because I do

obviously I've seen loads of photos of you yeah my whole life and uh grimacing and no but I've no I think it's a very nice smile, Dawn.

And I have always thought I would associate you with if someone said to me, What's Dawn Fisher's teeth like?

I'd say, immaculate.

Why are you asking that question?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, why are you asking me?

Do you want to know something else?

That's going, I don't, I mean, I don't know if we're going off pist here.

Something about my teeth at the moment is quite alarming.

Yeah, Covid came along, didn't it?

Yes.

Uh, my husband, frontline worker, helps people who are in a pickle with drugs and alcohol and all that sort of stuff.

Um, I'll give, I'll leave his card here.

Um, he because he was given two choices: Either live at work with lots of people who were not distancing and whatever, because they're all in a bit of a pickle, or go home, do not touch your wife, and sleep in another room.

So he chose the latter, right?

So we had this very weird few months where he's in a different room at night.

And I did not like this at all.

So I found my comforts in returning to childhood by every night, and this is, I'm talking about after brushing my teeth, afterwards, right?

Five chocolate Eclaire toffees.

Always five.

Why?

Don't know.

Can't answer you.

Bit weird.

Lined up then.

I think, oh, come on, tonight, French.

Tonight is the night you only have four.

Come on, let's go four.

Let's go three.

Let's go two.

Let's go one.

Let's go none.

Let's wean yourself off.

How long ago was COVID?

Two years, three years?

Well, 2020 was the big kickoff, wasn't it?

2020.

So we're now in 2023.

So let's say three whole years.

How many days is that?

So 365 days within three years.

900

days over there.

Million, million days.

Five toffees every single day.

Still doing it?

So still doing it.

Can't stop.

He's back in the bed and I'm still doing it.

And he has to wait.

I said, just wait.

I'm on toffee number three.

I'll be with you shortly.

And now my teeth have gone smaller.

His teeth have gone smaller.

My teeth have been smallened by the sugar.

Everything's gone wrong with the teeth because

I'm favoring the sugar over the husband.

But I'm thinking sugar or husband, sugar or husband, or both.

Did he know you were doing that before

he could come back?

I said, look, this is what's going on.

You're not there.

And so I'm turning to sugar for my

nutrients, for my comforts.

He went, okay.

Well, we don't know how long COVID's going to last, but okay.

And then when he was back in, I tried to sneakily do it.

I don't know if you've ever tried to open a chocolate declaire sneakily.

So then what I started to do was...

It's a noisy packet, isn't it?

It wasn't noisy.

I actually unwrapped them earlier in the evening and put them in the drawer.

And I would just move the drawer and put them in, put them the other way like this.

Pretend to be scrolling or something.

Yeah.

But I'm really...

And there is the chewy noise in there.

You can't answer questions if you're

questions.

Although I don't get asked a lot of questions at bedtime, do you?

Oh, like, could you leave now?

Yeah.

Things like that.

I apparently, I can't believe this because it's not ladylike, do do a bit of snoring.

Yeah.

Apparently.

Well, everyone does.

He does.

but when i'm doing my snoring this is the noise that i hear this is how i know i'm doing snoring because he does this noise

do you think that's all right

in the night yeah because that apparently brings me out of the sleep enough to stop the snoring and i'm fair i get very annoyed i go

up out of the rem sleep into go what the what that's that's gotta do

and back again and apparently then i'm snore free for another hour so it's a con he's doing what he considers to be a considerate thing.

He is.

Because he doesn't wake you up fully.

He doesn't fully wake you up.

My answer is go to the other room.

If you hear that, please go to sleep.

You'd love to that other room during COVID, won't you?

Have you considered half having a toffee and sticking your teeth together?

That might stop the snoring.

Is it the teeth that makes the snoring?

The nose.

Isn't it your uvula?

Sorry to use that word.

That's right.

At the back of your throat.

Is it?

No, septum's here.

Yeah.

It's not your septum.

No, septum here.

I think it might be that tonsilly uvula thing that's that's hanging down at the back, or is that just girls, or is that just me?

Wouldn't that be awful?

I find out that I was the only person who had tonsils in the world

and nobody else had them, and I had some kind of prehistoric hanging sking thing in the back of my throat.

And everybody else, well, what do you mean?

What do you mean, you call it what?

Tonsils

that would be so bad if you found that.

You're flashing your throat.

How do you eat?

It's a flap in your throat.

Anyway,

Your dream drink, Dawn French.

Well, well,

I'm going to plug something now because it actually genuinely is my dream drink.

This is cider made by my best friend's husband.

It's called Foy Valley Cider.

And it is just the best.

These apples are grown in the Foy Valley down in...

Cornwall where I live.

And this cider, you know, there's cider, isn't there?

And then there's cider.

There's rough cider, you know, cider you steal from people.

Cider you use to try and numb the regret.

cider you use to try and find that ugly boy attractive that that sort of cider to cider to try and get over everything it's not that it's not rough it's beautiful and light and oh it's heavenly castle d'Ar foy valley cider that's what I would have it just goes with everything it's absolutely divine is it a sweet cider or a dry cider yeah it's not it

it's not sweet and it's not dry it's whatever that is

soy soy or or dreet dreet yeah it's It's somewhere in there.

He probably will argue this with me.

He probably would call it one or the other.

But I'm not so fond of the sweet and I'm not so fond of the dripe, but I love this.

So it's something in the middle.

Lovely.

Yeah, I'm not like really a cider guy, but I found one type of cider that I just think is the best.

What is that?

Yeah, yeah.

Henley's vintage cider, which is the cider that's kept in whiskey barrels.

So the flavour of that gets into the cider.

Oh, hello.

It's like its own drink.

And I'm you're loving it that was it yeah and that was a really nice moment on our 100th episode we got to do our own menus and i couldn't remember where i'd had this cider before uh-oh healy's healy's not henley's as soon as ben looked at me i was like it was the other oh

it was the other option yeah yeah we had henley's or healy's in my head yeah that was the thing a hundredth episode i couldn't remember where it was from or what it was called but i remembered i had this cider once and then yeah the listeners helped track it down and so are you drinking it regularly now no but i did get sent some they very kindly sent me some.

So he's run out and that's why he's mentioning it again.

And I'll mention it again.

Okay, well, I can help you with the Foivali.

I cannot help you with the Healy's or Henley.

We do a little exchange.

What is yours?

Out of interest, though.

Sorry.

I don't really drink cider.

No.

Are you an alcohol drinker?

Yes, I'm an alcohol drinker very much.

But cider is tricky.

Sorry, I'm going to be boring now, James.

Because I'm type 1 diabetic.

So I don't tend to have anything.

I don't want to support this.

Cider can be so sweet

that it would just ruin a night out for me if I started started drinking pretty much all alcohol's got lots of sugar not as much as cider so what is your table red wine is my normal go-to i like you know martinis and things like that they and they tend to they're the things i like the most but also tend to be on the the lower sugar when you were saying about the eclairs earlier

and it unlocked a memory did it of you oh but i i i know um i was like wow so imagine you eating the eclairs

it's very visual he's got a very visual mind i've suddenly become afraid well you were doing some mimes as well yeah i I was.

I was.

Sorry.

I was like, what's that?

So I'm now trying to remember what it was.

But I think it's Jackanori.

I think you were doing a Jackanori story about someone working in like a chocolate shop or something.

And in front of the customer, eating the chocolates and looking at them.

Oh, my goodness.

And mime in that.

Is that a thing you did?

That sounds right, but I can't think what the story.

I definitely did Jackanori.

Yeah.

I don't know what the story was, but I would have definitely, I'm always eating chocolates.

I remember you doing a mime of they look at the customer dead in the eye and then they pick a chocolate out and then eat the chocolate.

And the mime was so good that as a little

chocolate loving boy, I was like, oh, that chocolate looks good, even though it was not there.

Yeah.

Benito?

Daisy Pig keeps shop.

Thank you.

There you go.

And they eat the chocolate in front of the customer.

That's right.

Absolutely right.

Just unlock that memory for us.

Just unlocked.

Can you imagine being me and somewhere in your 30s, I think.

Someone says, would you like to get paid for eating chocolate oranges?

Oh, yeah.

Imagine that.

Of course, we haven't even discussed that yet.

They missed a trick there.

Because I would have paid then.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's like sort of my Christmas signifier is the Terry's Chocolate Orange.

Yeah.

In the bottom of your stocking?

Every year, bottom of the stocking.

I love it.

They've recently come up with a Terry's Chocolate Mint.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Stop it.

Stay in your lane.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Stay in line.

Stain in your lane.

It's the shape of a fucking orange.

What are you doing?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

No one wants that.

But imagine that.

Imagine that job.

I i was bereft when it finished yeah i bet you were yeah bereft

you can't rely on advertising campaigns can you can't count on them no they come they go they're fickle as hell

at the moment i'm involved with ms i i'm a little fairy that flies all over the ms food and i go oh look at this maples covered sugar

turkey crown with

i do that yeah every chris i've done it for the last three christmases that's pretty good isn't it and i've different get first year it was with um percy pig who was tom holland yeah second year was with ducky the dog chew toy which was jennifer saunders this year i'm not even allowed to tell you who it is it's so exciting

to find an nda wow how excited are you now very excited

i'm guessing it must be either mark or spencer themselves

it is a couple of people i'll just leave that with you

if marks and spencer sort it'd be truly christmassy this year they'd have you as the fairy flying over some baked beans and salad crisps they would if they were true to my christmas but they're all about Christmas Day really, aren't they?

Yeah.

And honestly, I can't.

Again, this is a job where people come to you.

Do you mind if we pay you to come and pretend to be a fairy and look at all this lovely food and then we'll send you some of it at Christmas?

Yeah.

Yes.

Give me, just give me no minutes at all to think about this.

Yes.

The dream does that.

We're kind of already there.

We're talking about all these things.

Yeah.

Well,

weirdly enough, what I think I would like, I know it's slightly poncey at the moment and people are doing this, but I do this in my house all the time.

And I would like it in a slightly posher version.

I think it's called, correct me, Asiette of desserts.

Have I got that right?

I think it means when you've got lots of little bite-sized versions, a little tiramisu, a little coconutty thing, a little chocolatey thing, lots of different.

I like that because I like to have coffee at the same time, black coffee, please.

Yes, at the same time, directly before going to bed.

Yeah.

Which I can do because I've got the body mass to absorb it.

And also, my mother used to bring us coffee straight before bed.

I can drink coffee before I get it.

Can you?

Absolutely.

Respect's backup again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

I think I lost with the baked beans is back up again.

I can't.

I can't do it.

Oh, God.

Now, you've now, it's a roller coaster of respect, loss, and winning.

But can you imagine a little board or a plate or whatever fancy thing you want to bring, but with the little...

bite-sized version of about five or six different puddings.

Is it called an asyette?

It is a panel.

Oh, there you go.

I've seen that.

Take us through what the little bites are.

Well, I would always have a tiramisu.

I might have a little lemon meringue-y thing.

I'd have something chocolatey, not Ponce chocolate, but some kind of a little chocolate moussey something or other.

Something pistachio-y or

cannoly kind of thing.

Oh, nice,

something like that.

That would be enough.

That's enough.

That's right.

That's enough.

Let's not overeat now.

And we're full of pasty.

Yeah, exactly.

It's too late now.

Do you want a cheese bread?

A single segment of Terry's chocolate orange.

Oh, go on, then.

Go on.

Sit there.

You can make very nice cakes out of those, by the way.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're very good for melting.

Fondue, that's another thing.

I have won friends amongst my daughter's friends by melting chocolate and putting you fool children by making chocolate fondue, but you put fruit on the side.

So they're somehow eating fruit, also and marshmallows

and biscuits.

Yeah.

But they're dipping.

They're dipping.

Yeah, yeah.

They're dipping the fruit when they've run out of the marshmallows and biscuits.

And you win the friends over with that because they ask if they can come again.

They say to their parents, she makes a brilliant pudding.

When the kids have gone to bed, you reheat it, but you add brandy.

Oh, nice.

Hello.

Yes.

And get rid of the fruit.

I'm going to leave your menu back to you now, Dawn.

See how you feel about it.

Okay.

You would like sparkling water.

You would like Satan's cheesebread as your bread course.

Starter, you want thinly sliced ripe pear with magic ham and balsamic drizlette.

Some crushed walnuts in the middle of the table

main course uh beef skirt pasty made by your mother christmas meal you would like christmas eve beans on toast with mart mark grated cheese and salad cream side dish the string fries with ketchup and mayo mixed together yeah drink castle door fow

please say foy valley cider yes dessert asyette of desserts timam bassu lemon meringue chocolate mousse pistachio cannoli terra's chocolate orange and a black coffee correct all of that is good that sounds good a fantastic menu Thank you.

Yeah, it sounds very good.

I feel very full, don't you?

Yes, but don't forget,

you'll be going to bed after that meal and eating five chocolate clothes.

You know, I would directly after that, and I will tonight.

I bet you'll think of me tonight.

I will.

When you're going to sleep.

And when you're brushing your teeth, you think, after this, he has

five toffees.

Yeah.

Also, like, yeah, your husband is trained to, you know, help people combat addiction.

I know.

Surely.

I know.

He should be able to help you stop addictions.

I'm a lost cause.

Completely a lost cause he was at work for the whole pandemic and little did he know in his own house i know it was all going on i'm a filthy filthy

worker

thank you so much dawn thank you

well there we are james

i mean a special one for us i think There you go.

We can tick that off the...

That's an achievement, Ed.

Absolutely.

Speaking to Dawn French about her dream menu and what a dream menu is.

She spoke to us.

She spoke to us.

She spoke back to us.

She looked at us.

Yeah, she looked at us.

We're hanging out.

We're best mates now.

Very exciting.

And lovely menu and lovely little Christmas chat as well, James, because it's Christmas.

Yeah, and also Dawn did not pick Marmite cakes, so we didn't have to kick her out the dreams.

We didn't have to kick her out the dream men.

Do not forget that the TWAT Files by Dawn French is out now.

Go and buy it.

It's Christmas just around the corner if you're listening to this when it comes out.

It will be the perfect Christmas gift by the TWAT Files by Dawn French, published by Michael Joseph.

And hey, if you're in a book buying mood, why don't you get Glutton, The Multi-Course Life of a Very Greedy Boy by Ed Gamble.

Me?

A life of mistakes, no regrets.

There are a lot of mistakes in it, actually.

Yeah.

But no regrets.

No regrets at all.

Yeah.

This is a special message from the great Benito, as read by Ed Gamble.

Benito would like to thank Franco Manca, the fantastic pizza makers, for providing pizzas for the Plosive Christmas party.

Love the pizzas.

Thank you so much for sending them Franco Manco.

You guys are the best.

Well, Ed, I hope you have a good festive season.

Or, hold on, maybe I'll be seeing you again soon for another Christmas special.

Yeah, maybe next week, even, James.

Thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast.

Happy holidays.

Happy holidays, motherfuckers.

Oh, dear.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.