Ep 213: Harriet Kemsley

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to then-current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

Tired of spills and stains on your sofa?

WashableSofas.com has your back, featuring the Anibay collection, the only designer sofa that's machine washable inside and out, where designer quality meets budget-friendly prices.

That's right, sofas started just $699.

Enjoy a no-risk experience with pet-friendly, stain-resistant, and changeable slip covers made with performance fabrics.

Experience cloud-like comfort with high-resilience foam that's hypoallergenic and never needs fluffing.

The sturdy steel frame ensures longevity, and the modular pieces can be rearranged anytime.

Check out washable sofas.com and get up to 60% off your Anabay sofa, backed by a 30-day satisfaction guarantee.

If you're not absolutely in love, send it back for a full refund.

No return shipping or restocking fees, every penny back.

Upgrade now at washablesofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the cucumber of conversation, putting into the vinegar of humor, adding the dill of friendship, sealing up in the jar of the internet, leaving for a few weeks and creating the pickle of podcasts.

It's the pickle of a podcast.

That said, Gamble, my name is James A.

Caster.

We own a dream restaurant and we invite a guest in every single week and we ask them their favourite ever starter, main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Harriet Kemsley.

Harriet

Kemsley.

Harriet is an amazing comedian, James.

Such a funny comedian.

Always funny, no matter what is she doing.

Stand-up,

guest on a podcast, guest on a TV show.

Just having a chat.

Just gonna, just having a chat.

Yeah.

Gonna be the funniest.

Very funny.

I'm very excited to talk to her about food yeah i don't really know that much about no what food but you can pretty much guarantee it's not gonna be a normal conversation no it won't be normal at all there's no way it'll be normal every time harriet would come on a hypothetical that i did with josh would have come on dave she would have the biggest nightmare out of any of the guests

she would have a full-on meltdown during it so i'm looking forward to her having to choose what food she would like perfect harriet has recorded a special james yes uh but we don't know when it's out we don't know what it's called.

No.

And that's not our fault.

It's not our fault.

Harriet's not giving it a name.

She doesn't know when it's being released.

It might be out now.

It might be out now.

Or it might not be.

But just, you know, obviously, just go and follow Harriet on all forms of social media.

And when that special is out, she will post about it.

Yeah, and it will be good.

It will be good.

It'll be great.

So, you know, do that.

Also, listen, we love having Harriet on the podcast, but as always, if she says the secret ingredient, which is an ingredient we deem to be unacceptable, by the way, then we will have to kick her out of the dream restaurant.

She won't get any dinner.

Yes.

And this week, the secret ingredient is caterpillars.

Caterpillars.

Dried caterpillars.

Now, this is one you've selected, James.

Yes.

I went on the TV show, The Last Leg,

and they wanted us to try.

dried caterpillars.

Yes.

And that was a good sport and I ate one, but the word dried has never been so accurate.

It dried my entire mouth out.

It was disgusting.

It had no flavor to it.

It was just dry flavor.

It was just the driest thing ever.

Because a lot of people are talking about insects as the next big source of protein.

Yes.

Environmentally.

Yeah.

This might be a good way forward.

Yeah.

Just, you know, people are going to eat less meat moving forward, hopefully.

So are you not saying you don't want a lovely rice caterpillar for Sunday lunch or anything?

Look, I don't want it.

But if it's, you know, our way of saving the human race at some point, then I'll eat whatever we have to eat yeah dip it in chocolate maybe i won't notice it as much

you love chocolate yeah so that could be all right but i said it on the show and i'll say it now the worst part about eating a dried caterpillar is knowing that it's going to come out your butter butterfly

you're good value on that show man yeah okay i

i am i earn a keep you know yeah you're on your keep well done you but this without further ado is the off menu menu of harriet kensley

Welcome, Harriet, to the Dream Restaurant.

Hello.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Welcome.

Harriet Kemsley to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Thanks for having me.

Hello.

That was good.

That was a good reaction to the genie.

Quite often people come in here and are just like so non-plussed.

It was quite dramatic.

Yeah.

It's quite a dramatic thing to happen.

I don't interrupt people most of the time.

You were trying to make me on edge i think yeah yeah that's what it is yeah because quite often we have people in here who we we don't know and you see james really trying to work out how he should do the genie thing but as soon as you came in i was like oh he's gonna deliberately he's deliberately interrupt harriet gonna try and make a jump what do you do you just go like oh

no i'm still doing the sound but like it is as campers that i say i'll wait until you know often they'll go well thank you for having me or whatever and i wait for them to finish that thought and then i'll do the and then you go

but no politeness when i'm here yeah yeah absolutely

okay

so yeah sometimes we have our mate we have our mates on yeah and i get to just be like okay cool could just be a bit more cheeky yeah and james has clearly decided that he finds you funnier when you're slightly on edge yeah yeah i know this is a thing yeah

it's quite stressful you can never really relax does that happen in your life a lot do a lot of people do that to you yeah yeah like jump out from things like there's you know adam lata like he once spent like a whole summer just jumping out from places at me just and it really puts you on edge it really like it really like makes your whole day kind of um tense are you worried now that he's gonna jump out yeah well you remind me that i've managed to block it out and then i'm like oh my god where is he so yeah i don't love it personally but people seem to enjoy it so you know

you seem stressed you seem immediately stressed yeah yeah i love the compromise that you're like i don't like it when people jump out at me but they enjoy it so you know gotta deal with it i suppose a thousand thousand-yard stare.

Deepest exhale I've ever seen.

So I'm worried, because obviously this is like, you know, we're asking you a dream meal on this podcast.

It's not real.

It's just like what your dream meal is and you don't have to actually eat it and all this.

But, you know.

Back when me and Josh did hypothetical, we had you on it about three times because you were the only person who couldn't differentiate between hypothetical situations and real life.

And you get stressed as if it was really real and you had to do it.

You were never clear on the rules whether that would mean you would now have to do the thing after the show even after you've done the the show multiple times I just I really get into something and then it's hard to kind of focus I'm quite worried about this especially because um

I don't think people often like my choices not like live choices but like food choices yeah but that's fine this is you know this episode's all about you this yeah no one's gonna be criticizing apart from me and James and the and all the listeners yeah great great great you just won't be going social media ever again.

Okay.

Okay, that's fine.

That's probably healthy, actually.

You've probably done me a favour.

Yeah, it's a good way of cutting that off, cutting it off at the source.

I hope other people don't think that jumping out on me is a nice thing after listening to this now because I've reached my feel of people jumping out on me.

I don't want this to become a thing because you've seen like people that would start like a thing.

I'm not recommending to the listeners that they jump out at you.

It's well, if you don't know Harriet, I think that takes on a whole

thing.

If the day this comes out, you walk out onto the street, like Oxford Street, and it's completely empty because everyone, everyone's hiding from you.

Yeah, yeah, that's when you know.

I mean, that's when we know this podcast is a hit.

Yeah.

But

yeah, I'd say any listeners, just don't

jump out at Harriet.

You don't know her.

It's not cool.

Just like it's not cool if you don't know someone to shout popped ons or bread in their face in the street as you walk past them, you know, for example.

Or

in their shows that are unrelated to the podcast, for example.

Yeah, yeah.

When they're not even the one who says it.

Yeah.

Yeah, so don't.

Just like those things aren't cool.

I did say that really angrily at a show once.

Yeah.

Oh, it's not even my catchphrase.

Yeah.

Who is it who doesn't like your food choices?

Is there someone particular in your life who...

Yes.

Well, everything I like gets discontinued because it's not popular.

Wow.

And which I think is a sign that

people aren't into it.

And I really get into something and I will like...

eat the same thing like every day and then it will suddenly just disappear.

We're going to need a list of these discontinued things.

unless they're on are they on your dream menu these discontinued things

no um there was a sandwich at M ⁇ S it was like in a pizza bread thing it had like roasted vegetables and like mint yogurt I had that every day for maybe two years and then just one day disappeared every day for two years well if I was near an M ⁇ S yeah

I didn't go out of my way to go get it if you were home I wouldn't be like oh I'm gonna go to M ⁇ S and get my sandwich I would just make make something at home but yeah anywhere that I was near somewhere that had it then I would have it so you'd think I was creating demand but um i wasn't enough yeah i'm not sure one sandwich every day for two years is enough to keep a sandwich going yeah maybe you you get gave it a few extra months because they were like someone keeps liking it yeah but like there's one person that really needs the sandwich yeah keeps selling them and

one a day and it seems to be following how it comes is loot on tour

What they should have done is jumped out at you every time you had one, so you dropped it all over the floor.

So you had to buy another one.

Yes, that's what we needed.

Yes.

sandwich chaos, yes.

So, what else has been discontinued?

Tab Clear?

Were you a big tab clear fan?

What is that?

It was a clear soda.

Clear.

Oh, is that the one that was red?

No, wait, no, there was a clear one.

Okay, all right, let's examine that.

Wait, okay.

Wow.

It was like Coke, wasn't it?

It was like a cola, a clear cola.

That's not it.

No, no, it wasn't red.

Because it was the red drink.

Okay.

Tyson.

Robin.

Tito, yeah, Titan.

Yeah, okay.

So nothing to do with it.

Tab clear, and they stopped doing that.

Yeah, yeah.

So just this thing of things that have been discontinued that maybe were your favourites.

White chocolate cocoa pops?

No.

That wasn't, I think.

They did that for a really short amount of time, I think.

Banana Krispies?

I absolutely hate bananas.

Banana cocoa pops?

Banana like rice krispies?

Banana, no.

No banana.

It's like it's like genuinely a phobia, I think.

Yeah.

Real bananas as well as banana flavour.

Banana flavour is actually better than actual bananas.

Like there's like the thought of a banana in a waste paper basket is.

Yeah, that's too specific for Ed.

He nearly choked her to drink that.

Sorry, I was having a sip of water.

The thought of banana in the waste paper basket.

You know how it creeps out?

Like they'll always like, or it could be like over the side, like the way that it like displays itself.

Yeah.

So someone, if you saw someone throwing from across the room a banana skin into a waste paper basket.

And this is another thing where people know that like they find it funny to like wave them in my face because they know that I don't like it.

But like it's genuinely, I just don't trust it.

What about in a cartoon when someone slips over on a banana skin?

How do you feel about it?

That's the origin of your craft.

That's the origin of comedy.

It's the original comedian, the banana skin.

You say you don't like it.

You wouldn't have a job if it wasn't for that.

Yeah, but maybe it's my enemy.

You know, maybe that's what it is.

It's like...

It's like that's my kryptonite, maybe that we like work against each other.

And I'm just trying to genuinely walk down the road.

Yeah.

And then there's a banana peel.

What would you do if banana skin jumped out at at you?

I would, that would really be bad.

But like a costume would probably be fine, but it's the way that they turn brown sometimes and then like the texture and then the inside.

Yeah.

And how people eat them, I just find so upsetting.

What do you mean?

Well, they just like, I don't know, like they just eat it.

It's just like, like, I don't know.

How they eat them.

So none of this is about the taste of banana.

Well, I think one of the things is I'm allergic to a lot of fruit.

I actually think I'm not allergic to being a banana.

So it is unfortunate that I don't like banana.

But yeah, I just, I don't like how they peel them and they eat them like it just like they hold it I don't know it's just yeah yeah yeah do you do that everyone in the world

but um

for some people what do you think about this because this is how monkeys do it yeah and then some people copy this hold the banana the other way around to us would be upside down so they hold it by the stalk bit No,

so it's like a little handle and then they peel it at the top and they eat it.

It makes more sense because then you get the little spiny bit out the top and you've got a little handle.

Yeah.

I don't even.

Yeah.

I don't even know if I know what the spiny bit is.

Like I really stay away from them.

When you get down to the bottom of a banana, you get the little

black bit there at the bottom of the spike.

No, no.

You don't know what.

There's a little spike.

I don't know what's happening at the bottom of it.

There's a little spike at the bottom of the banana going into the banana.

To keep it in,

to keep it in.

It's not for me.

Yeah, when they were designing the banana, they went, well, you're going to need a little spike in there to keep it in.

Yeah.

Keep it in place.

Okay, so there's going to be no bananas on this.

And you don't like the thought of the banana rice krispies that I had when I was a kid that got discontinued?

The flavor thing I can kind of handle, but then it makes me think of a banana, and then that's the problem.

So, foam bananas, which are banana flavor, but they're in the shape of bananas.

I could handle it, but I'd rather not.

Yeah, that's fine, too.

Look, this is your dream menu.

We're not going to

force a foam banana.

Just getting a feel for you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

At the top of the episode.

Now, we wanted to promote your new comedy special that's being released.

Yes.

But

time of recording,

this is May.

It's coming out in the autumn.

This episode's coming out in the autumn.

But right now, you say that you don't know exactly when it's coming out and you don't know what the title of the special is, even though you've already filmed it.

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

Two big things that I really should come into this knowing, but I don't.

We'll come up with it during the course of this episode.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's that's that's that's banana in a waste paper basket.

No, absolutely nothing to do with banana.

No.

And that's the point.

There's your head coming out of a waste paper basket and there's a banana peel hanging off the side of it.

If a banana peel was to touch me, I would lose my shit.

Yeah.

Well, that's why the goddamn thing.

Why would you say that?

What if Adam Larta's listening to this?

No, don't, don't.

I feel like I have told a few people about my banana thing because people use it against me because they find it funny, but it's really not funny.

I just want to say it is a very serious phobia.

And please

please don't use it against me.

Just so you can have a laugh.

Yeah.

Please.

Please just let me live my life without throwing bananas at me.

The second desperate plea to the listening audience.

Yeah.

Haven't even got into the menu.

Haven't even asked you what water you want.

Yeah.

Don't jump out of me.

Please.

Don't touch me with a banana.

Please think of any of these things.

I know I seem like an easy target, fair game, but I'm not.

I'm a person.

Well, you know.

Do you want to promote the special anyway?

Yeah.

It's a best of, right?

Yeah, it's a best of.

So it's like two shows combined, but then it doesn't necessarily have a story.

But then I guess, like, it's about me so i guess i'm the story you're the story i'm the story but

it's just um oh i'm the story i'm the story

that'd be good that's a funny title for a stand up special okay we've got one we've got one

in a waste paper basket as well no we don't have that stop saying that because every time i get an image then i think about it

so do i every time he says it yeah i'm all right

Do you have a phobia of bananas?

No.

Oh, okay.

That would be that would be the way we have fun.

yeah they're your favorite i had two this morning two yeah how did you eat them with my mouth

uh i i i peeled them i ate them i ate them the right way around because if you cut them up then i can kind of handle that yeah but eating it what about mashing them oh i'm like no thank you

no that luckily that's a really bad mime um so i don't know what's it that way yeah i didn't

even know you you queued it up as to what you were doing halfway through i was like what's change doing i'm eating a banana

yeah i know that now it's smaller than you thought the banana was

yeah your other arm i don't know what your other arm was doing as well that was involved

what was it doing yeah it was like doing it like it was like going up and down accordion like i was wanking off the second banana

get it getting it ready for my mouth

right we always start with still a sparkling water yeah we're gonna um sparkling please it's just more fun it's just more fun also i will have tap but um sparkling you just got to do it you know from sparkling tap if it's sparkling is on tap i'm in because then you don't feel guilty.

Like, it's really good.

I am, I have a problem though.

What I do, I drink too much

water and I actually have to be careful.

Go on.

Because my mum, I like, I, it became like a

maybe like a compulsion.

And then my mum saw in this morning that

people can die if they have too much water.

And so

if I have a drink, did your mum say something about drowning and misinterpret it?

I don't know.

But every time I have a drink, she's like, like, Harriet, be careful.

Go for it.

Because I think you can drown in your own body.

Yeah.

I mean,

you can.

That's true.

That's happened to people.

But I wouldn't say it's necessary for your mum to say, every time you have a drink, Harriet, be careful.

Yeah.

Or she'd like to be like,

you are where you are.

Please just leave.

Somebody

always completely understands someone when you hear just one thing about their pets.

Oh, that's why.

Every time you think of water, your mum's like, have it, be careful.

You'll drown in your own body.

You're drowning in your own body.

And your mum saw that on this morning.

She saw it on this morning and then she was like, I think you have that problem.

And then it made sense because if you have too much, it can make you quite lightheaded and like a bit confused, apparently.

And then that is kind of the state that I live in.

And so I think it is too much water.

and i've tried to cut it down and i've i've cut out squash because that was part of the problem i think so i can't have squash

okay immediately in this episode because we've done so many of these episodes now yeah and i know james so well now i felt james come in at a lower energy than he normally does because he knows that you're absolutely going to handle the rest of this episode yeah yeah yeah you're going to bring so much to it it's fine every every 10 seconds there's something insane coming out your mouth basically i'm not going to pay attention every now and again i'm going to tune in and just repeat the last you said.

Because

you've got squash.

Sorry, how much?

How much water were you drinking?

Are you drinking?

That means that you're getting lightheaded and confused.

It's less now, but there was so much I had to go to the doctor's because

I was peeing too much and I thought I had the problem.

And then they were like, you just have to control when you pee and you have to try and build it up.

Go longer between peeves.

He gave me a schedule.

He gave you a schedule.

Yes.

Yes, I have to try and like, I have, even if I think, oh, I should pee, I have to be like, no, no, no, it's not time yet.

And then I have to try and save it all up and delay it.

Yeah.

Delay it rather than keep going because then your bladder thinks you need to keep going.

Uh-huh.

How old were you when this happened?

Like it was like three years.

So what was it?

Can you remember your show?

I was genuinely worried.

Well, they said, keep it like, so start with once an hour and then

build it up from there and then try and go like every two hours, you know, and then ideally you want to be going less than that throughout a day.

So how, how much, if you don't mind me asking, how much were you paying?

So it was, it was more like a nervous thing.

It was like, if I had to leave the house, then like three times in 10 minutes,

which doesn't, which doesn't make sense at all because I've just been, but then I was like, oh, I should go.

And so then it was becoming multiple times.

And I was like, maybe I've got a problem.

Then he was like, you've given yourself the problem

and you've got to try and cut back.

So I've had to cut back water and peeing.

Yeah.

But now you're keeping all the pee in you.

There's more of a chance you'll drown in your own body.

My God.

You're drowning your own.

Your pee will fill up your body because

if you're going that often, there's no chance you're going to drown in your own body, right?

Yeah, if you're getting rid of it all.

But now you're filling up more because

you're rolling the dice.

But you're drinking less.

I'm drinking much, considerably less.

And you've cut scars.

So, how much water are you drinking now, though?

You've not answered that.

Look, I've barely touched this.

That glass in front of me.

But I did drink some drink on the way here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you're still not letting us know exactly how much water you're drinking a day.

You're keeping that quiet.

It's hard to get.

I'm barely reluctant to answer.

Yeah, it's a few probably like a few litres of water and then like some soft drinks and then like some coffee and some tea and maybe a wine.

and it adds up you know throughout the day yeah sure yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but it used to be worse it was much worse it was like seven pints of squash a day and that's just squash

what was your go-to squash flavor um like the orange and but i quite like the orange not no actually not the orange one the peach one that was when i liked i didn't really like orange so the peach one but then i'd have to cut it down because i was like i'm drinking so much so i'd have like half the amount so it was like very weak but then i think i was just addicted to squash i think you just get used to the taste you're looking at me like i'm crazy but i feel like no no i'm just enjoying it i'm letting it wash over me you know when you drink too much squash

yep huh do i know when i drink too much squash what do you mean do you have squash uh yeah we've got it in the house now yeah but you can just have it there and you don't i'm not really into it right so my but my girlfriend loves it yeah how much does she have like a pint a day Wow, she can really keep it under

control.

Yeah.

She went to the doctor, he gave her a schedule.

Okay, great.

She got it down.

We don't have squash in the house.

I used to be a big squash guy when I was a kid.

I used to love squash, but I would be like, that's pretty much how I took my water.

And now, straight water.

Straight water, yeah.

I'll glug.

I'll be like, I've not drunk water in a while, down to the sink.

But it became down a pint.

Yeah.

But then I go to the toilet a regular amount, I think.

Okay, yeah.

How many times do you go?

I'd probably go more than average, I'd say.

But,

you know, I've probably been for two since I've been in the building.

So that's two in a half an hour.

Oh, you've got to what really?

I reckon I could go.

If I wanted to, I could go again now.

Oh, yeah, you go now.

Yeah, just wait a minute.

James?

I couldn't go now, but famously, I, you know, I rarely get through a whole episode without desperately needing a pee and having it asked to stop.

And then Ben Benito's like,

he hates it.

So like, you know, with me, I either absolutely

not even remotely need a wee dry.

Or I urgently have to piss now.

I'm going to piss myself off.

And that's my two settings yeah so my two settings are absolutely fine and then suddenly oh oh oh no jesus christ but if you listen to harriet's doctor that's probably good no actually that sounds bad actually because yeah that's not an anxiety thing or maybe you're not connected with your body you're not listening maybe your bladder isn't connected to you in any way it's just floating around in there

little separate guy yeah got a little loose bladder yeah probably Probably got a little LLV.

I imagine.

I mean, definitely something's wrong with me.

I often think, like, you know, you're 38 now, and this is hitting you with the bag.

I imagine when you're an old man, I'm scared.

Just going to have to get a bag, I think.

Yeah, I think I'm going to have a bag.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I have to be very open and proud of it as a celeb.

I'm going to have to be very open about that.

You know, with the public and normalize having a bag.

You are.

You're being an ambassador.

Nice, good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm going to go on all the talk shows about it.

Do I do the press tours?

Go on this morning.

Go on this morning, talk to them about.

Oh, no.

My mom, she's...

Poplabs or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Harriet, Kenzie.

Pop Labsorbread.

Obviously, you've been looking forward to that for a while.

Yeah.

Harriet doesn't like people jumping out of it.

That was really loud.

You dealt with that quite well, though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think.

I did.

Well, because I was like, what is happening?

It was just like, it felt like it was a personal thing about you rather than me.

Yeah.

Or actually, you're the first guest to correctly interpret that.

Aren't you?

I'm saying

everyone else gets scared.

No one else goes, this is more about him than it is about me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

him dealing with it.

I didn't take it personally because I knew it was your own thing, you know.

Yeah.

He's dealing with some stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

I need to work for it.

Yeah.

He's worried about his bag.

Yeah.

Very worried about it in the future.

So I think it's going to have to be bred.

I'm a big Poppadum fan, actually.

And I need all the dips.

But

I think on this occasion, I'm going to go bread.

Yeah.

Because I'm so serious.

Wow.

You're a politician all this.

The energy.

You change the energy in the room perfectly.

I'm just, I'm nervous about this because I think people are going to get mad with my food choices.

And so I'm really trying to gain goodwill before what happens later.

So you think the way to gain goodwill is by calmly saying bread?

Calmly just saying bread.

Just trying, trying not to make a big deal about it.

Just some bread.

I like it when they have the olive oil.

And then when I learned how to put that balsamic, you can put a dot in the middle.

That was, it felt so glamorous.

When you say learned.

Yeah.

I was also going to hone in on that.

Do you mean the existence of being able to do that?

Or do you mean the technique of putting the balsamic into the oil?

Well, do you know when you have some oil and then you take

balsamic and then you put it in and then you they're separate and then you have the balsamic in the middle and then the olive oil.

Yeah, I do know that.

Yeah.

We both know that.

Yeah.

The question that Ed's asking, which I thought as well, and I'm going to speak on his behalf, Benita also thought it in his head, was when you said when you learned to do it,

does that mean you learned that you could do it?

So you started doing it.

I was capable of it.

Or that you learned the technique so that they couldn't do it properly.

So that originally you were glugging it in and overflowing it with balsamic.

You had to learn the technique of doing it and getting the dogs.

Yes.

Or did you learn that it was even a thing, that you didn't know that people were doing that?

And then you learnt about it.

And then when you started doing it, it was great.

And don't just explain oil and bell somebody if you do that again

you're off the podcast

it feels like there were a few questions there um no

it was one question

but we were having a clarify it we'll give you two options or you just choose the one of them I think I first saw oil and vinegar next to each other yeah and then I didn't really know that it could that they could stay themselves but together yeah um and then okay and then maybe I saw I saw it for the first time time and then i thought wow that's crazy like how they did that and then i saw somebody do it in front of my eyes and i was like this is some magic

and then i learned to do it for myself okay the way harriet described it it sounds like oil and vinegar is a metaphor for a wonderful relationship

because they're together but they still hold their own personalities.

That is lovely.

Yeah.

Quite beautiful, actually.

When was the first time you saw someone do it in front of your eyes?

I'm going to say it was at a a restaurant.

But I'm not sure if I can remember the exact time.

You know, like it all kind of blurs into one.

But I think I was definitely in my 20s.

Look, I'm not Spanish.

I think this is something that maybe you learn that you learn in Spain, maybe.

But it's not like a common thing.

It's a Spanish.

I would say more Italian.

Oh, well, I'm not Italian.

Sure.

Because of the bell sound.

Join the clock.

Yes.

Yeah.

So I wasn't aware of these things.

Yeah.

But that's fine.

That's fine to not be aware of these things at all.

And I like that the first time you saw someone do it, it blew your mind.

Yeah.

And I still, I think whenever I do it, I think I'm going to blow whoever's watching its mind.

Glad you finished that sentence.

Absolutely.

Very Italian.

But

they're never impressed because they know how to do it.

I think everyone knows how to do it.

Yeah.

I didn't know it was a common thing.

So you want this at your dream meal.

You want the oil.

Do you want them next to each other?

And then you can do that.

and then someone can walk in who's never seen it before

like what the fuck?

Yeah, and I'm like well what you you have to really get it in the middle because sometimes you get it on the side and then it doesn't work and then it goes all blobbly at the side and so you really have to get it in the middle and they'll be like this what this is mad and I'm like yeah

and then they leave

who would you like that to be um somebody that you think would know about it but like I'm teaching them I don't often get to teach people things um and so I think it would feel really good to teach somebody something like maybe like Gordon Ramsey.

Ed Miliband.

Yeah, yeah, like a professor, maybe.

So hang on.

I'll just track back what happened there.

Yeah.

I said Gordon Ramsey.

James said Ed Miliband and you said, oh yeah, like a professor.

That realm, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, there is the professor realm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think Ed Miliband is the kind of person you would think would know it, but if you found out he didn't know how to do it, you wouldn't be surprised because you couldn't eat a bank in the shit.

He would mess that up i think more times than he got it in the middle yeah he'd go blob he'd go blobbly on the sides yes yeah yeah and it would be you know like he's trying his best um but yeah the press would have the field over that they would absolutely crucify him for that yeah yeah if you got blobbly on the sides yeah so but you were like a professor brian cox maybe brian cox because he's a professor but like a fake one yeah like an older professor like doesn't really know his stuff yeah yeah oh wow which we discovered yeah really yeah when he was on the podcast he doesn't know anything it's embarrassing yeah really would you say i know more than brian Cott?

Yes.

Definitely about balsamic and oil.

Easily.

Easily.

He wouldn't know any of that stuff.

He wouldn't know

if the balsamic was evil or not.

Yeah.

Does he eat a lot of space food?

Yeah.

He eats potatoes that are grown with shit on Mars.

Yeah.

That's what he said.

He would like to eat that.

I would not want to have dinner with him.

Even if you were showing him the balsamic and oil thing.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

He'd say.

I feel like he's easily impressed.

You know what I mean?

I need somebody that's really that wasn't our that wasn't our experience though

very hard to impress him actually.

Yeah, maybe the actor Brian Cox.

Yeah, yeah, because I feel like he's honestly easier to

he seems like a chill guy.

Yeah, he but that's what I mean like he's angry like you think he thinks he knows everything then I'm like fucking watch this Logan.

Is he a character?

I think that is his character.

But do you want the character or do you want the actor?

Well, I feel like they're the same thing, maybe.

If he was in character, you'd do that, the Balsamic and Oral thing and you go, fuck off.

Fuck off, that's what I want.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's exactly it.

Yeah, yeah.

You would like to be told that?

Yeah, and then I'll be like, I know.

I know.

I can just do these things.

I just know how these things work.

What sort of bread are you having?

Banana bread.

Maybe.

Banana bread doesn't really taste like bananas.

What about banana bread hanging outside of a bin?

Hanging on the edge of a bin.

That's actually fine.

That actually doesn't upset me at all.

You're fine with bad.

I'm actually fine with that.

It's when the rappers, what is it called?

The rappers?

The wrappers.

You really don't engage with that.

When that starts to go funny.

Packaging.

The smell.

What sort of bread is this, Harriet?

So it's the really nice bread.

Oh, yeah?

Cool.

Next question.

So, you know, when it's like,

it's like, like bouncy in the middle, like it's like all like bouncy and it's got little holes in, like, maybe for catcher, I think it's called.

And then it has like those big like herbs, like the, but they're like.

Fuck it hell.

When's the next guest coming in, Benito?

Big herbs.

Big herbs.

You know what I mean?

Rosemary.

Yeah.

Rosemary.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

That's for catchable.

You love guests and games.

This whole episode is going to be a lot in games.

I feel like you finally found someone that you can bully.

That's what I feel like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And salts and like flaky salt on the top.

Salt, yeah.

Yeah, that's what I want.

And then I dip it in, and then it does always make me feel sad when it all splidges together.

But,

you know, it's part of it.

Well, look, this is the dream restaurant.

So would you like us to bring you a dish of balsamic and oil that never spludges together?

Yes, please.

And not, but not keep bringing it to me every time I spludge it because that feels wasteful, but one that consistently really separates.

Spread out.

Yes.

It goes blob, blob, it really goes

blobbly.

Yes, thank you.

Is it warm, the Focatcha?

It's a little bit warm and it's very fresh.

Yeah.

Okay.

Great.

I've got to be careful now because I've been called out for the bullion.

So I've got to go.

Yeah, Phil,

you're smiling.

I'm smart.

Yeah.

I've got a pace that I'm going to go.

I've got a few things in the chamber already that coming in here to do the podcast.

I knew I was going to bully you about.

And I haven't got around to them yet.

Is it the Invisalign?

Yeah, I was going to bully you about your Invisalign.

Yeah.

Because you got rid of yours.

Well, not because I got rid of mine, but because you keep drinking drinks and keeping the Invisalign in, and you're meant to take them out.

Because otherwise, the drink that you're drinking just gets in the Invisalign and your teeth just

like soak in the sugar.

Yes, we had an argument about this because I said clear drinks was fine with Invisalign because you can't see it and so it doesn't count.

And then James said that's absolutely not how it works scientifically.

And that then your teeth just sit in it.

And I continue to drink my wine and tell James that he was very wrong.

And the next morning I woke up with a really bad ulcer on my tongue.

Didn't know that.

And I'm not saying James is right, but I have, I have stopped drinking wine with my Invisalign in.

So, not only are you drowning in your own body, your teeth are drowning in your body.

Yeah.

You'd think

you're drowning all over the place.

I was just trying to help Harriet at the party because Harriet was saying at the party, you're going around at the party going, you need to take your Invisalign out.

If you're having a drink, if you're trying to relax and have a drink, you need to go into the toilet and take your Invisalign out.

Yeah, I was actually.

Exactly, it's too.

Have a nice party.

Yeah.

I think that's helpful.

And like, Harriet was there drinking like a white wine or like a champagne or something and going like,

yeah,

I've got Invisalign and talk about her Invisalide at the top of her voice.

And I was like, and I was like, are you going to in right now?

And she was like, yes.

I was like, Harriet, you can't drink sparkling wine.

You've got your Invisalign in.

She was like, it wasn't sparkling.

I was like, it's going to sit in the trays.

And your trays will fill up with wine.

And then your teeth are just sitting in wine for the whole thing.

And you're you're meant to be sort of making your teeth better.

And she was like, the doctor said I can have water.

And this is fine.

The doctor didn't say you can have water.

The doctor actively said don't have water.

Mixed messages.

Yeah.

But like, so this is fine because this is clear.

And then everyone at the party jumped on that.

It wasn't just me at that one.

Everyone was the man who's like, why are you going to get it?

There were some people on my side, actually, saying it was clear.

Who the hell was on your side?

I can't remember.

Because I was drinking.

I was like throwing, I was like putting it back.

Like I wasn't like just having it in my teeth.

I wasn't like just like like sipping it through like through the teeth i was like putting it back yeah so how he was trying to aim it directly down the sides so that it would not touch anything and just splash down in her tummy and not touch any and it was it was oh obviously get it everywhere all the time yeah sitting in the trays yeah but eventually you took the trays out yeah well i was very stressed because they said you can only take them out for two hours a day right and then sometimes been doing three gigs a night so then that's like at least an hour and then i have an hour and like i'm constantly like snacking and like having a coffee or a drink or a squash you know and so I was like how am I going to find the time to to manage this and there wasn't a moment I wasn't thinking about my Invisalign and it was a very stressful time and then James came in with all his opinions.

You finally relaxed.

You're at a party.

Finally relaxed after a very stressful week of Invisalign, having a nice glass of wine.

And then James was like, take it, what are you doing?

You can't drink.

And I was like, I guess I had to just stop drinking because I've used my Invisalign quota for the day.

Yeah.

But then anyway, I woke up with a really painful oss when I told Stu the next day and I told him not to tell you.

Stu's party.

Yeah.

She was the host.

You know, the only, there's one type of wine you can drink with Invisalign.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Invisal wine.

Oh, great.

That's great.

Thank you.

Yeah, that was nice.

I like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, where do you get that?

I don't have follow-ups for that, unfortunately.

Well, that is the information I need.

So that's one of the things I had in my head that I was going to be about.

There's one more, but I won't use it.

I might not even use it at all.

Save it.

Keep it in the back.

Save it.

Yeah, I'll save it.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

I'll brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep.

Get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

It's that time of year again, back to school season.

And Instacart knows that the only thing harder than getting back into the swing of things is getting all the back-to-school supplies, snacks, and essentials you need.

So here's your reminder to make your life a little easier this season.

Shop favorites from Staples, Best Buy, and Costco all delivered through Instacart so that you can get some time back and do whatever it is that you need to get your life back back on track.

Instacart, we're here.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Time for a sofa upgrade?

Visit washable sofas.com and discover Anibay, where designer style meets budget-friendly prices, with sofas starting at $699.

Anibay brings you the ultimate in furniture innovation with a modular design that allows you to rearrange your space effortlessly.

Perfect for both small and large spaces, Anibay is the only machine-washable sofa inside and out.

Say goodbye to stains and messes with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics that make cleaning easy.

Liquid Liquid simply slides right off.

Designed for custom comfort, our high-resilience foam lets you choose between a sink-in feel or a supportive memory foam blend.

Plus, our pet-friendly stain-resistant fabrics ensure your sofa stays beautiful for years.

Don't compromise quality for price.

Visit washablefas.com to upgrade your living space today with no-risk returns and a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Get up to 60% off plus free shipping and free returns.

Shop now at washable sofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and and certain restrictions may apply.

Suffs!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

broadwaysf.com.

Let's have your dream starter.

I relax into the...

Okay, dream starter.

So I've picked this one because I think it will

really...

The thing is, okay, I'm just going to say this.

Yeah.

I think starters are bullshit.

Yes!

Do you hate starters?

You don't hate starters.

Don't bring all this shit.

Do you hate starters?

He doesn't hate starters.

He just loves desserts and he sees it as a war.

Yes.

Yeah.

What I I'm not a war.

Have both.

You've got to pick a side.

Starters.

Desserts.

I think that everyone always wants a starter and they're never as good.

They're never as good as they're better.

They're better.

They're always better.

What is better?

They're always more inventive.

They're always more interesting.

No, they're just more.

No, not true.

Most menus I look at now.

I'm way more interested in the starters and then the mains are always quite sort of standard.

I think it might be that you're not vegetarian.

Because I think the vegetarian option is always like bruschetta and I'm not good.

I'm

tomatoes, big tomatoes,

not my thing.

Fully willing to accept that.

You're not used to big tomatoes.

Well, no, I don't mind big tomatoes, but I would never pick the vegetarian option on the starters.

Well, that's my life.

Yeah, that seems really good.

Bruschetta, they're chopped up, though.

The tomatoes aren't.

Well, they're big.

They start big.

Huh?

Bigger than, I like it if it's smooth, but not if there's even like one of those little pips or even like a bit, the slimy bit.

Okay.

And so it does get embarrassing in restaurants because I have to say, are there big tomatoes?

And then they say, what do you mean?

But at no point have you thought, I'll change the question.

Change the question.

What should I change it to?

Maybe just like, say, like...

Not as easy as it seems, is it?

So you only like sort of like...

Let's talk.

You only like smooth tomatoes, like tomato sauce or puree tomatoes.

Yes.

You just say, are there chunks of tomato?

Ah, but sometimes they don't.

They think that like.

Is there chopped up tomato in this?

So I don't like seeds.

Raw tomato.

I don't like like bits of tomato.

I can only have it if it's smooth.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well,

we're learning as we go.

So starters are bullshit.

I think starters are a bit bullshit.

I'm willing to admit on most menus, the vegetarian option on the starter is not good.

It's boring.

Yeah.

And it's also very, they're often very fried and like, just like, it's just the taste is fry.

You know what I mean?

And so I'm not so into that.

So then I was like, I do quite like scallops.

sometimes scallops scallops.

And I'm...

So you're not vegetarian?

No, but they, because they don't have a brain.

And so they don't.

Where's their brain?

I mean, do you want me to Google it?

They don't have a brain.

Genuinely, they don't have a brain.

I am aware of this branch of vegetarianism and veganism where scallops and oysters are acceptable.

Yeah.

Because they have a brain.

Yeah.

And I think I need...

I feel myself get smarter when I eat them.

Why?

Because

there's something I'm lacking, I think, from my diet.

And I eat them and I feel like...

It doesn't make sense that you feel smarter eating something without a brain

it has that omega or whatever or like um the protein in it like if it feels like you know how you eat something and it makes you feel like oh like it makes me feel like oh I'm ready to go you know but I don't know how to cook them last time you ate a scallop what stuff did you know after

that you didn't know before

Good question.

That is a good question.

I think it's more like a general like alertness.

It's not necessarily like specific thoughts but that's i'll i'll pay attention next time yeah see if you get find out if i suddenly know something better yeah scallops is a good choice is there any a way that you want them prepared or with certain things on them well i was thinking about this and i think it's let i quite like them with lemon i think is what i like so just straight like pan-fried scallops well how else are they loads of ways no oh you're gonna have loads of ways but there's loads you know truffle

loads of stuff yeah

celeriac puree oh yes maybe is it cooked yeah

the scallop itself?

No, I can only have vegetables if they're cooked.

And so it's...

Yeah, it's cooked.

Or sometimes you can have raw scallop.

You could have like scallop ceviche.

No, not raw.

Don't want that at all.

And ceviche that has the big tomatoes.

No, not always.

No.

It's just citrus.

It's just...

Yeah, yeah.

Really, that's what that means.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, just a scallop with some lemon.

That's great.

And you said you don't know how to cook them?

No.

Very easy to cook.

Really?

Yeah.

Just pan-fry them.

Just don't do them for too long.

Very, very quick.

And you just can just buy them just from from the shop.

Yeah.

It really feels like a restaurant kind of thing.

Yeah, it feels restauranty.

And I've cooked scallops at home and you do feel very fancy doing it.

Yes.

Yeah.

But they come sometimes with a big orange bit attached.

Yeah,

what is that?

Right.

Membrane-y thing.

It's their beard.

I wouldn't like that.

I wouldn't be good with that.

No.

No.

I went somewhere once restaurant and they'd taken those orange bits off of them and then dried them, powdered them up, and then sprinkled powder over the top of the scallop.

and that was nice it was i thought it was nice yeah i i leave them on i pan fry them use them the whole thing yeah use the whole thing but we don't know what it is it's the road it's the root yeah is that the baby well it's the yeah it's the baby it's the baby

but if you don't want that that's fine yeah i'll just i'll just go this sounds like a really refreshing starter pan fried scallop refreshing yeah pan fried in butter um i could do without butter i don't really love to have stuff cooking in butter so probably more like an oil yeah but you've got got the oil on that.

Yeah,

get that involved again if you want.

Bit of salt.

Yep, yeah, lovely.

Yeah, salt and lemon.

A single scallop?

Is this one?

No, no, a few of the scallops.

They're quite small.

That would be very small, wouldn't it?

Well, sometimes.

Well, it depends.

Oh, you can get big ones.

I think you should have big ones.

A few big ones, maybe.

Maybe a bit of chili.

Yeah.

A little bit of chili within.

Okay, chili, lemon, salt.

Yeah.

Classic.

It sounds good.

It sounds like a refreshing starter.

So how many is it?

Six.

Six more.

Six.

Six.

Six more.

Standard sized ones.

The bigger ones are more likely to have a brain, aren't they?

A smaller microphone.

The smaller ones are more likely to have a brain.

Well, they've got more going on, probably, do you think?

Is it the same?

They're just the same, just some are big.

Some are small.

It's not.

I mean, I don't even know where to start with that.

Well, even though they've got more going on, like their schedule.

Well, there's...

There's more space for a brain to form.

Yeah, but that's not how animals work, is it?

Yeah.

But it's not an animal.

They're not animals.

Okay, so

you're saying

that one of them, if one's bigger, it could be an animal.

Yeah.

Well, I'd be worried that it might be um mount ever s got a brain

get a really big scallop oh so you now you're saying they are vegetarian so you're agreeing with me huh you're agreeing vegetarian i i mean i have no idea

you've completely confused me as to what they are i don't know

i mean you're saying if they get big enough they've got room for a brain and they just grow a brain

it would just make me nervous you know like i i just if they're small then i know that

i mean ironically i feel like talking about scallops has made me less intelligent yeah what do you do i feel i know less now than i did before we started talking.

What would you do if you ordered a big scallop and it arrived and it had glasses on?

Yeah, I would hate that.

I would absolutely hate that because this is

a good thing.

This is why I can't have salmon because I was trying to have salmon for a while, but then I heard that they sing when they die.

It's true.

It's true.

You can find it on the internet.

They sing.

Not like a popular song, but like this.

Go, you're all the way.

What do you mean they sing when they die?

Like they're like, oh, no, it's not like that.

Go on.

You can imagine it.

It's like...

I actually can't imagine a fish singing it.

Imagine loads of salmon and they're all being killed and they're letting out this horrible song that's like, they're so sad because they're being killed.

That's what it is.

Is Ben googling it right now?

Yeah, Ben will be googling it because it sounds like

it's made up.

It's a Chemical Brothers song, apparently.

That's called the Salmon Dance.

Is there any chance you could have seen a Chemical Brothers song and got mixed up?

Yeah, this is definitely true.

If it's not true, it would be very helpful because I did used to like the Prat and Smoked Salmon Sandwiches.

Yeah, but you know, they're not actually discontinued.

They've been discontinued.

Probably.

Probably.

If you like them.

But obviously, they're not merely singing.

That's what they don't think they're singing.

Yeah.

But it's like a sad, it's like a sad, like morning noise.

It's an emotional base.

Yeah, it's very emotional.

Yeah,

yeah, so I just I feel too bad, you know, I just like this is the thing they get in my head.

Like when I gave up meat, I just like I picture them.

This is the thing, you know, and they're looking at me and they're like, why?

Yeah.

You don't have that.

See, this is what I think most people, they can disconnect.

Yeah, no, I think I do have it, but I can disconnect.

Yeah, that's it.

I can't disconnect.

Yeah.

You know, I've got...

pets now for the first time since you know i was a little kid what pets and two cats

love them absolutely love them someone said to me, I'm going to kill him and eat them.

I'll be, you know, just the worst thing in the world.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But yet, I, you know, hypocritically, I am going around eating dead animals most days.

Yeah.

And cows can play football.

Harriet.

That is true.

You can see that on the internet.

They play football.

They're actually much smarter than you think they are.

They're actually like dogs.

You know, you got James into a really serious contemplative state there for a second.

Trying to do it.

Where he was genuinely like confronting his own lifestyle.

That is true.

Cows play football.

And then you said these things.

And then you said,

yes, cows can play football.

As if he'd said anything that related to cows playing football.

Yes, because a cat is like a cow.

This is what I'm saying.

A cat's like a cow and a cow can play football.

I was like,

literally just going, I'm not even going to make fun of Harriet for this.

I'm going to admit that, yeah, I know, even though you're saying about salmon singing and all this kind of stuff, I'm going to...

I'm going to admit that, yeah,

our lives are hypocritical.

And, uh you know that you're actually you know you're imagining them dying and stuff that's not the weird thing it's weirder that we block it out just trying to extend that to you and as i'm saying that you say cows can play football and while i've been saying this bit i think you said it's a veg not a football no she said it's fetch it's fetch it's not football it's fetch I thought you said it was veg like if they're playing it with a lettuce

it's fetch

what I was trying to say is that you love your cat and your cat, you find like an acceptable pet, but you could have a cow is what I'm saying.

Like a cow is more like a cat, a cat than you think it is, but

you try and cut it off and you think, oh, the cow, you know, like it's some big stupid cow, but actually they're very intelligent.

Well, James, James was confronting that logic there in quite a sort of openly,

emotionally raw way.

And I actually think you've made him eat more meek now.

Yeah, I don't care now.

Because you've said he could have a pet cow and cows can play fetch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And salmon sing when they die.

I mean, this is, I'm sorry you don't know this.

This is all just, this is true.

We do now.

The football thing.

So that's, so they can't play football.

I actually don't know if they can play football.

I can't tell, but that was bullshit.

I got confused between football and fetch.

If you throw a ball, they will go get it and they'll bring it back like a dog.

So this is what I was trying to say.

Like a cow is like a dog.

You can't eat dogs.

but you can eat a cow.

You can't eat a cat, but you can eat a cat.

I was trying to, I was, yeah, I was just trying to go along with what you were thinking and then you took it as an absolute affront.

Well, you didn't go along with what I was thinking.

First of all, you lied and said that they could play football.

Can they play football?

Yeah, look.

Let's see it.

Here we go.

Standing in the middle of a, just for the listener, standing, it's standing there,

not doing anything with his football.

It's looking round the street.

So it still left it alone.

Just in case you're wondering, there is a title above the video that says cool football.

It says, cool football.

There's a bunch of people stamping up to the cow, which has stood near a ball and it seems to be not playing one of them has kicks the ball at the cow at the cow's ass and the cow is now they're surrounding the cow

there's a bunch of absolute assholes and a cow that is seems to be just guarding the ball but not playing with it and it's just walking along with the ball it's not playing

it's accidentally playing football yeah it's not playing football It just wants to keep the ball and these people are antagonizing the cow.

So I don't approve of this.

I guess the video has made me want to eat less beef because I feel sorry for the cow.

I'm on the cow's side

in that video, but I don't think that cow could explain the offside rule.

So your dream main course.

Okay.

This is what I'm nervous about.

Okay.

Is it exciting?

I've always really loved Pizza Express.

It's really important to me.

I've been very worried about its future.

I've been there for like birthdays, like ear piercings, like it's like the place to go, not to get them pierced, like afterwards, to like celebrate,

excel.

Say, there's got to be a more hygienic place to get, not that Pizza Express isn't hugely hygienic, but you don't want a bit of pomodoro sauce getting there.

No, you go afterwards.

It's like, oh, that was exhilarating.

And then you have a nice pizza.

Do you have to have the one with a hole cut in the middle to celebrate an ear piercing?

Well, I can't.

That is a really good idea, but I can't have the salad um and i have tried to ask for it without the salad with the hole and they do not want to do that because of the raw vegetables thing yeah yeah so hold on you but you still have asked for it without the salad because you want the hole in the middle

yeah and they they really refuse to do that yeah

really they won't they won't not put the salad in the middle they won't do it because i always thought like pizza was like quite a healthy option because it's just like bread and then like um tomato and then like usually for me like vegetables and cheese and then um and then i saw the calories when they started putting them in I was like wow I've been eating much too much pizza and so I was like oh I'll just get it with the hole because I can't control myself I need them to control it for me but they um that would help just having a hole in the middle yeah it's healthy yeah but they won't they won't do that so they had to start putting calories on menus maybe last year I'd say yeah so up until that point you thought pizza was a healthy option

going in there I was having one a week one a week and I had no idea that it wasn't how many piercers did you have

Oh, by the way, Harriet is covered in piercings.

Absolutely covered.

Absolutely ridden with piercings.

She's getting jamming all over the place.

In case you've never seen Harriet before, she's that lady who lives on the Royal Mile.

Yeah.

So specifically.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I know who you mean, yeah.

I know who you mean, yeah.

She's great.

Edinburgh Lady.

Yeah, so I really, I just find it very comforting, Pizza Express.

I read you a text I got from Stuart Laws when I was on my way here.

Oh, no.

I told him that we had you on the podcast.

And he said, she's obsessed with Pizza Express, so I imagine it will just be that.

That's what he said.

I wanted to have no balls as my starter and then I thought people would be too cross.

And so I said scallops because I wanted to sound more interesting.

And I am trying to branch out more.

The problem is I just have a bad history with restaurants, I think.

And so

it's difficult because I want to try things, but they don't want me there.

The restaurants don't want you there.

Why?

Because, well, like, I'm quite happy to go to a nice restaurant and just like eat bread or whatever, like, because often there's like not stuff I can eat.

But then, like, I went to this really nice Indian restaurant and I won't name it, um, but they refused to serve me.

Like, they wouldn't even give me bread or rice because I'm allergic to nuts.

And so they just, like, refused.

But it was like my dad's birthday.

And right, I mean, to be fair, they should have left and gone somewhere else.

But they were like, we're having a nice time.

They'll serve us.

So then I just had to sit there for like two hours and they wouldn't give me any food.

That's right.

That's a shame.

I've had that once with a friend who was allergic to.

shellfish in a way that was like you know just can't have it anywhere near anything yeah and we had to leave And it's, it's, it's, it's not a good time.

It feels, it feels pretty rough.

So

it's me, again, extending something to you.

So don't suddenly go.

I know you're trying to be nice.

He's trying to be sympathetic.

Don't suddenly go, did you know nuts can do algebra or whatever.

I mean, let's lay it all on the line here, Harriet.

You are a vegetarian who can't have raw vegetables and you're allergic to nuts.

Yes.

But the nut allergy is not really serious.

It's not like where I go in a place and there's a nut and it's like game over.

Like I can be around nuts.

I can be near them.

You're not the person who stops any nuts being opened on a plane for example no no that's not me and so yeah it's fine it's just um i i was also like very i'm like very i'm a bit fatty and a bit particular and then i think maybe part of it was having these allergies so like my skin is um allergic to the raw fruit and raw vegetables but no one believed me for a long time and so it was very confusing because i'd be like i can't eat that apple it's it hurt in my mouth and everyone would be like just eat the apple and then i'd be like no really like get like 50

um so, yeah, it was a bit stressful.

Why do you think they didn't believe you?

Because you were also saying stuff like counsel complaints.

It's just the problem.

Yeah.

In amongst all of this, they're mom and real, there's real truths.

And then, um, and then I had to go to the hospital.

And it's just like, it is mad how they do it.

Like, I had to go there.

And then you have to go get tested for it.

And the test is you just go and buy a load of fruit and vegetables and bring them in in a carrier bag.

And then they put them on your arm.

And then they go, oh, quite allergic to that bit.

And then you just get like a big hive on your arm.

Wow.

Did they do it with banana?

No, I didn't bring banana.

No, no, no.

I think I'm not allergic to banana because it's in a big skin.

So I actually could have banana probably.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, complimenting coming, not a joke.

Huge props to you for still being a vegetarian, even though your body is absolutely screaming for you to eat meat.

Yeah.

It's really your only exit route, isn't it?

I've tried veganism.

Like I'm vegan, like at home mostly, but like going out, it's just too much to put on people.

It's really,

you would never get invited anywhere.

That's too much.

But maybe at this dream restaurant, I could have a salad or something.

Maybe I could have that salad in the middle because I wouldn't be allergic.

Yeah.

I can eat my first salad.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, you can.

But do you want a pizza from Pizza Express?

Is that your main?

Yeah, that was my main.

Yeah.

And what kind of pizza?

Padana.

Because it used to be margarita.

Yeah.

And it's always smooth there, the tomatoes, so it's good.

But then I grew up, you know, and I'm a bit more sophisticated now and have a badana.

What's a padana?

So it's like goat's cheese and spinach and then it has this like caramelized onion thing.

So it's like got the goat's cheese and then the sweet and the tomato sauce.

It's really good.

I love pizza express.

Thank you.

Okay, good.

I love it.

Sometimes I'll be like, I want a pizza, but that doesn't feel like a healthy option.

And I do agree.

I'll take Pizza Express as a compromise because it feels healthier.

It feels healthy.

And then it's got loads of spinach on it.

Also, it tastes nostalgic.

Pizza Express tastes like you've just been swimming.

So I'll have Pizza Express and and I'll be like, I can almost smell chlorine in my hair.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I like, meal.

I've been to Pizza Express three times.

What?

Yep.

Just which one?

Just one of them three times?

No, no, just three different ones.

Of all the Pizza Expresses in all the world, you've only been three times.

I've only been three times.

Just not part of your past.

Just

not bothered?

Yeah.

Yeah, not majorly bothered.

If I'm going to have pizza, there's a few other places I'll go to before Pizza Express.

Where?

I go to Francomanca.

No.

Okay.

Oh, look, there's better pizzas.

I can't remember where.

There's far better pizza.

It's its own thing, though.

It's its own thing.

I like Francomanca, but it's its own entity.

It's a whole other genre now.

Well, for me, it's all about nostalgia Pizza Express.

So I think if you didn't grow up going to Pizza Express like once a week,

then you wouldn't have Pizza Express now because there's your yard sales, there's your Francomanca's.

Yeah, yeah.

There wasn't a Pizza Express in Ketron.

No.

There wasn't one.

No, there was Frank's Pizza, which is still there, which is, again, I'd go to a head of Pizza Express any day.

Delicious Frank's pizza.

Well, you know, my order, Pizza Express, American Hot with Extra Cheese.

Yeah.

Remember why that's my order?

Because it's my dad's order.

Oh, that's really sweet.

I can enjoy it all over again when he says it to me.

That's so sweet.

So, just the pizza is your main course.

That padana, would you say?

That padana pizza.

Padana with a hole in the middle with a salad.

Ideally with a hole in the middle with a salad, yeah.

Your first salad.

a big it'll be so exciting yeah so what do you like the idea of in the salad if it's not gonna make you feel ill i like it when um they shake them you know when you see it and it's like all shooken up with the sort like the sort like the um dressing dressing yeah yeah yeah so um so some of that and everyone always says oh it's so crisp and so i don't want it is this you imagining what a salad would be like this is amazing

everyone says it's so crisp the elite yeah yeah and then i think like they'd have like like people would have like olives in it Yeah, oh rocket, John Rocket in it.

Uh,

I don't know.

I guess so.

That's what people do.

So I'd have, yeah, I guess some rocket in it.

Because every time I go to a restaurant, it has like they put salady bits on, and then everyone has to like take it off and they will get a bit worried.

But like, I'm not really, I'm not really that allergic.

It's just like my skin's allergic.

And so it would be, yeah, it'd be wonderful.

That would be my first ever.

And maybe it could be in a cat cafe because I am allergic to cats as well.

But then I could be around all the cats and eat a salad.

Okay.

yeah, we'll sort that out for you.

Cats playing table tennis in the background.

More than anyone I've ever met, you throw new information in as if we should know it already, right?

Okay, yeah, so quickly.

Okay, and also it's in a cat cafe at the end of a really long sentence.

But it is a Pizza Express, maybe it's a collaboration between Pizza Express and a cat cafe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

What would that be called?

Pizza Cat.

Pizza Cat.

You put me on the spot as someone don't think about.

I'll set you up.

Pizza Cat.

Write that down, Benito.

Thank you.

Pizza Cat.

Why are you writing your nets?

No wonder you can't name your fucking show.

Jesus.

Call your show that.

Pizza Cat.

Call your show Pizza Cat.

Yeah, you've got Pizza in it and cat in it as well, actually.

There you go.

Call it Pizza Cat.

Pizza Cat.

And then people will listen to this episode.

they'll know that you literally named it here now i really have to name it soon so call it pizza time turning out just do it pizza cat people will love it would that you like that that you think that'd be that would make you think oh pizza cat or i'm the story i'm the story yeah pizza cat colon i'm the story

i'm the story pizza cat

i'm the story feels like a novel in an airport or like an autobiography where somebody's like looking out to sea and they're like i'm the story i don't know it feels a bit feels a bit dramatic doesn't it yeah i mean i know you've said cat cafe now but i was going to ask you what branch of pizza express you would like to be eating in because you've been to a lot of them i've been to a lot but it all has to go back to canterbury pizza express yeah or the jazz one in soho but no we go back to canterbury it's by the river it's lovely um no no not the word can't support that one

yeah um how do you how did you feel about that when you as as a

devotee horrified horrified about it worried like concerned about Peter Express's future.

They're saying they're in debt by like a million pounds at

a restaurant.

It's a lot to think about.

And my local one, it's like always empty.

And so, but I think they're putting out a lot.

They're sending it out with the delivery people.

So they're not coming in necessarily.

And on weekends, it's chaos.

It's the kids, I think.

And so, yeah, very worried.

Very worried about their future.

But I think they've got a good product.

You look a bit like you work in a Pizza Express.

Yeah, that's my aim.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They have that compliment, Ed.

Well, no, they have, it's black and white, isn't it?

It's thick, uh, oh, the other way around.

Yeah, you know, I see what you mean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love it.

Those guys are skilled.

Yes, I've never seen a woman do it.

Have you not?

Have you ever seen a woman do it?

The chefs, you could, I don't, you probably don't

three times.

I wasn't, I wasn't you can see the pizza makers in the thing.

It's like that was part of the excitement as well.

I've got to say, I've never, yeah, I've never focused on that.

What three did you go to, James?

Well, I couldn't tell you.

One was near Leicester square but it wasn't the jazz one but it was like me romish and nish and romish's pizza didn't arrive so me and nish got free pizza and romish still gets angry about that today if you mention it to him

but that was a lady who told us we had free pizza i remember that yeah the yeah the the waiters can be women but i've never seen a woman make the pizza okay but you're not saying they're not allowed

they're not allowed to make the pizza i don't think that's a thing not that i know of no

yeah king's road pizza express you've done that oh yeah yeah yeah so i fancy that one yeah yeah

it's actually nice to do gigs at the one in Holborn.

They've got, that's where I wanted to do my show.

But then I think I was just being swayed by the pizzas.

It's a good room, though.

It's a really nice room, yeah.

So I was like, oh, I wanted to do it there.

But then they were like, it's really not.

And I think I just thought it would be, I was just thinking about the pizza.

Yeah.

And you've got to think about the show.

Yeah, you do.

Yeah, think about the show.

I mean, for the listener, actually, this is something that we talked about before recording.

Yeah.

It's Harriet Nilly recorded her special in a Pizza Express.

I was going to call it live at Pizza Express.

We said you should still call it that.

haven't got very in a tis about how, but it's not in Pizza Express, so I can't call it that.

And I'd have to explain it.

That's what happened, isn't it?

So I'm just going to call it Pizza Cat.

And

don't worry.

Pizza Cat is great.

Yeah.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

I'll brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on on any plan with my plan this is a deal for everyone whether you're a new or existing customer swing by verizon today for our best phone deals

three-year price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate only additional terms and conditions apply for all offers

you check your feed and your account you check the score and the restaurant reviews

you check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Your dream side dish then?

Is this also from Pizza Express?

No, I think because I do, I do love adobles, and then I was like, I could go the whole thing.

And then I thought, no, like I've grown.

Like, I do eat at other places now and I've got to branch out.

so i do i i do like a breakfast like a brunchy kind of thing and then and i always want like a pancake on the side i just want one like i don't want it as the main thing i just want one pancake on the side but then i don't think pancake goes very well with pizza and so i'm gonna say waffle um but it's um it's because of this place that's really good that has waffles i'm not really a waffly person but this place is really good It's called Utter Waffle and it's in Hearn Hill.

And I often go there with my baby and dog and it is chaos and they're really nice about it and um they have this one waffle that's like waffle and then it has like caramelized peach so I can eat it because it's like kind of cooked and then cinnamon frosting and then cream cheese and then um you can have pistachio but then I don't and um then veggie bacon and it's really good sounds good well obviously I respect this yeah you respect a side dish that's a dream

yeah finally got some respect it's called James Jules and the Giant Peach.

What?

That's the name of

the waffle.

James and the Giant Peach.

James Jules and the Giant.

I don't know who Jules is.

James Jules and the Giant Peach.

So they're two different people.

James Jules and the Giant Peach.

Yeah.

I'm just imagining that you're eating this waffle and your dog's in the corner reading a novel or something.

No, it's causing absolute chaos.

Your dog's the one who made it.

Yeah.

Do you want your dog to be there when you eat the side dish?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Even though this meal's in a cat cafe?

Oh,

oh, yeah, actually, that wouldn't go very well.

No.

I wish he could be there.

But then it's a dream place, so I guess he gets on with it.

Get some of the cats around.

Yeah, they all live there.

Canterbury Pizza Express.

There's cats around and your dog's there.

And your baby's there?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Take me through this waffle again.

Yeah, okay.

So it does sound good.

Is it a Best Fulgen waffle?

Okay, what is Best Waffle?

Well, I mean, it's a good question.

It's like a sweet waffle.

Yeah.

It's a sweet waffle.

It's a sweet,

not a savoury waffle.

So it's like, it's, I think it's only sweet because of the things on it the things on it okay and they have like mabel my baby likes the one that has like cheese and then like an egg um and um so it's generally all savory so it's like you know like people like like chicken on it they can have chicken on it that's a big thing there everyone always wants the chicken one not me how old's mabel uh she's one and a half very funny that she wants the one with a cheese and egg on it for some reason i like that one she has a preference it has like a proper boiled egg and then she yeah she loves it right respect to mabel this is like a bird's eye potato waffle it's not a potato waffle.

It's not potato.

No, it's like

it's a batter.

Yeah.

And I, because pancakes are kind of like my favourite food, but like it does just doesn't work here.

And I like a galette, which is like very savory.

I really like a galette, but this is,

it just is beautiful.

I don't know why.

And everyone wants to go there.

It's just, it's very good.

They have a van as well.

So it can travel.

I think this is, yeah.

We've not really had a side dish like this before.

Waffles haven't featured much.

No.

We haven't had a side dish that's like this sweet, which I'm loving it.

I'm loving that it's we've got to dessert early.

I can't.

But it's a bridging course, isn't it, really?

Because it is sweet, but you've got veggie bacon on there as well.

Yes, and it's really good veggie bacon.

Quite often I've accidentally ordered the bacon and they've handled it very well.

But then because it's so confusing, because it is like, it does seem like bacon.

I think anyone that ate bacon would not say that.

But for me, it seems like.

I'm like, is it bacon?

Is it not bacon?

Sounds good.

Sort of a bit of a shame we can't absolutely rip the piss out of Harriet for this course.

Wow, interesting.

Yeah.

And look, I'll be honest with you, Harriet.

When you were describing it, my brain immediately went into piss take mode.

Oh, yeah.

Let's get her.

She chose a dessert waffle, going a side dish with her pizza.

Let's get her.

Yep.

And

then

I was like...

No, but you like this.

Yeah, you were doing this.

Be honest with yourself,

you know that you like this.

You know that you think it's great.

you can't.

Oh, you like this?

Yeah, it's me.

You know that this is exactly the kind of thing you would love to eat, especially if it's a good version of this.

So, like,

you can't get a

I personally wouldn't have it, but I respect you for picking it.

I'm not a huge fan of...

I put waffles in the...

in the same family as

Yorkshire puddings.

As pancakes.

You don't like those?

No, no.

I don't like any batter-based thing, really.

It's my least favorite batter-based thing.

But at this place,

it's really good.

Here we go.

Rank the batter-based things i think you need to sort out the pancakes from each other so i think you've got to say crepes and american pancakes are two separate two separate things waffles waffles

those are the classics really aren't they yeah i guess i mean look if you've ever seen deep fried masters churros churros of course you know there's loads of things on deep fried masters yeah but those feel like the things that are just batter these are the these are the things i'm not a massive fan of yeah donut is that batter yeah i guess no i guess it is yeah i I guess it is.

It's just a dough when you bake it.

I really like galettes.

I really like a savoury galette.

I'm really see, that would be

more savoury.

Buckwheat.

It's like a buckwheat pancake.

What?

Yeah.

What?

It's blown my mind.

You know, doughnuts are batter.

I didn't know that.

Do you know what batter is?

I thought I did.

Wow.

Who's the real idiot of this podcast?

The tables have turned throughout this show, it turns out.

the bullies, the bullies,

and it's you again.

Yeah, because the way you said that, the tables have turned on this show, it turns out.

But yeah, you're right.

The tables have turned on them.

No, don't turn it back.

Keep it though.

It's too quick.

Trying to figure it out.

So, okay, so those are batter, are they?

Galettes are batter.

They're not like pastry.

They're not like a pie.

No.

An open-faced pie.

What are you thinking of?

They make them on those circle things.

oh like that that stuff okay i'm thinking of a i think we're both right no you're not right i think we're both right you are wrong i think you don't know what it is you're confused i know i know what you're talking about and i've had that in ponsonby in new zealand and they're delicious but also i look at benito's face i'm right french galette french galette oh you're thinking of new zealand galette so there is a one that's an open face like pie thing that's like put with pastry you can get them sweet and sofa there is like a buckwheat crap is a galette right

yeah that's what that's what means.

Yeah, yeah, I get those.

I love those.

I've got a photo of one of those on my phone.

Really?

Yeah, from Ponsonby.

Yeah, I love that.

So what are you talking about?

I'm talking about pastry.

Like the thing they have, like the celebratory pastry

thing.

Because that's the galette that I get most weeks from the place on the corner from my house.

I've got to get something different.

One of those.

Yeah.

That's a galette.

That's a pie.

Pear galette with flaky crust.

I'm talking about that one with the

piece.

Baking out.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

James is right, too.

So they're both galettes.

Yeah.

But Harriet's talking about the...

I get it.

I get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, which is good.

Actually, it's good to know that.

Yeah.

Because I love those.

And I wouldn't have thought of it as a galette.

And in Ponsonby, I always make sure, I can't remember what it's called, but it doesn't have Bechamel sauce.

And I always get the Bechamel sauce.

And I always add that.

And that's my favourite thing to get at Ponsonby Central.

But you haven't ranked your batter-based.

So I think...

Galette and American pancake kind of joint at the top and then maybe the waffles, but only from this waffle plate otherwise they're at the bottom Yorkshire pudding I do really like churros and then a regular crepe like they're kind of lower down maybe what about you I'm not an American pancake guy really yeah I just think I think they're boring and then you stack stack them on top of each other and it's just like layer after layer of like sometimes they're just like but that's why you just want one you just want one on the side like a blueberry one or like one and they have that cream you just have to add so much syrup to them to make them interesting that just that's why we're talking about quality right because like a good one of them is incredible incredible.

Like when they've actually made the batter really delicious so that every bite is amazing.

But when they've been lazy, when they've been lazy with, I don't know, man.

That Ezra and Gill place that I shouted out before in the pod in Manchester.

I could eat just one of their pancakes on its own.

Best pancakes I've had were in Japan.

Japanese pancakes.

Souffle pancakes.

Pancakes?

Come on, let's give that a moment.

And they're like wobbly and they're a bit softer inside.

No.

Oh.

No, yeah.

Not for me.

Yeah.

yeah no it's for you but it's not for me yeah it's for you yeah it's not for me

and like in america it's different it's just different yeah it's better here it's bad blueberry pancakes quite there who blue blueberry pancakes who blueberry

instant reaction was who

dream drink okay so

We're not on a train and that changes things.

What?

If we were on a train, then it would be different.

Did I miss something?

Did I miss a bit of the pod?

Well, unless we're suddenly on a train, we can be on a train.

We can put all of that on a train.

Still call it the Pizza Express.

It's not called Pizza Express, remember?

So it's called Pizza Cat.

It could be Cat Express.

So it's a cat cafe in a Pizza Express on a train.

It's called Cat Express.

Pizza Cat Express.

Get out.

Okay, go ahead.

Well, because if you're on a train, then

you want a little drink out of a tin.

You know what I mean?

Like, Like it just like it's exciting.

You're like,

but if I'm in a restaurant, then I don't want that because that would be weird.

They'll just bring a drink out of a can.

Yeah, there is something specifically exciting about, especially after a gig.

That's it.

You run, you get time, you get to go into the MS, get a little can, and then you get on the train.

Specifically from Brighton, this feels like from...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, very Brighton.

Getting very niche for the listeners.

But last train back from Brighton to Victoria, go to the MS, which is still open.

Yeah.

Buy a few tinneys of whatever.

What's in the tinny?

That's what I want to know.

Well, I've recently.

It would have been like gin and tonic, probably, but then now I've really got into wine in a can.

Have you had it?

Yeah.

It's new.

It is quite new.

Do you think it's bleaker than the GNT in a can?

It feels bleaker.

No, because at any other time, it's bleak.

At that moment, then when you've run from a gig and you really want to have a drink in the train, you've managed to get there and you've got it and it's cold.

And then you're on a train because those bottles, it's just not the same.

Like you put it in the plastic, whatever, but in the can, it's still cold, and it's just such an exciting feeling.

And so, that's the only time that it's good.

Yeah, have you ever had, which is the bleakest option, I think, where it's a plastic glass of wine in a plastic wine glass with like a yoghurt lid on top of it?

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's real bad.

Where you have to peel, yeah, like it's pringled, peel the lid off, yeah, like obviously, lick the lid and then drink the drink.

Yeah,

that's bad stuff.

Is there a particular brand, the M ⁇ S wine?

Well, there's one I quite like.

It's called,

I mean, it's called Hun, which I don't.

But they've got a nice Sauvignon.

So you want a can of Hun, Sauvignon Blanc?

Fucking hell.

Yep.

Oh, I love it, Harriet.

You just own a gig in Brighton.

Yeah, and then again a little tin of

hun, you know, and you'll just run and then you go on the GB.

Do you get one tin of hun?

Is it one tin of hun?

I probably couldn't do two.

Yeah, not on a train.

Like I'd go a bit loopy.

Oh no.

I can't imagine that.

The tables have turned on this train, it would imagine we'd seen.

But anyway.

You're taking your Invisalign out for this hun drink?

Well now after the ulcer, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you've got to take it out, yeah.

When you, because I do love grabbing a little drink and sitting on the train after a gig.

Do you prefer to be with other comedians there or is this is it solo ideally yeah it's nice if you've got a little gang and then everyone's got a little drink and this is the problem when you're driving back from somewhere it's not as exciting you know like when you have your tin of hun yeah yeah because you drop you're driving so it's

it's round upon yeah it's round upon yeah i had a good train i haven't had it like that for ages but like uh recently On the way back from MACFest in Wales, I ended up on a train with a bunch of comics on the way back and they had train beers.

it's been a while i liked it it was really fun

really fun really fun group nish rosie jones

max in the van josh pew having said that people said that does sound nice yeah but i would prefer to be alone yeah yeah yeah

if would you would you see them in the carriage and then you'd you'd go into the carriage the next carriage yes yeah i'd say nice to see you all and i'd take my tin of hun and i'd go to the next carriage

what would you do there i'd charge my phone you can do that with other people it's not nice

listen to a podcast relax be with my own thoughts enjoy my hun so hun save blanc yeah it's quite nice it's new if i'm in a restaurant you know i want like a little cocktail or like a little like um like a rose like a dry rose or something but like on a train little can of hun look

that's what's going on the menu even if you suddenly went oh i want this amazing cocktail we're not listening you're getting a can of hun just to finish it before you go into dessert you're you're on a train table whatever whatever three comedians do you want there nice

So what I've been on tour recently and had people were opening for me that were very fun.

So I had Heidi Regan.

So we had a really lovely time together.

Kate Lucas, we had a lovely time.

And then I had Bella Hull, Lily Phillips.

Oh, you've got to have three.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I had some others as well.

I forgot.

Maybe I'll throw Sunil in there.

So hold on, who's there?

Who have you got?

Three people.

I hate it when you do this, that you're doing this on purpose because I'm not good at choosing.

He's asking that question on purpose.

I I know, yeah, he's doing it on purpose.

I don't think it would cause you three, it's you, three, and you're all drinking hunt, and you all have to enjoy it.

The three of us, yeah, yeah, and you have to enjoy it.

I'm happily neck a hutton on a hot day, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, jokes on you.

We're loving it, yeah, we're loving it.

You're sitting back there, I've got my headphones on.

I'd love sitting backwards, and then there's no charging, nothing's charging, yeah, nothing's charging, and there's a cow on the train.

To sit backwards, there's a cow on the train, yeah, putting a football up and down the carriage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Still enjoying it?

Yeah.

Still having a nice time?

Yeah, mostly.

Yeah, as long as I have enough cans on hand.

This cow really sneaks.

Right, dream dessert.

Okay.

Sorry, I just was thinking.

Okay,

what happened then?

Yeah, what happened, Harriet?

There was someone else who opened for me on tour, and then I couldn't remember who it was, and then I panicked.

Who was it?

You were a viewer.

I didn't know.

I can't remember.

I'm trying to be quiet for a moment, but you keep asking me questions.

Yeah.

You're doing a podcast, Harry.

welcome to the world of broadcasting yeah here we are trying to think

and just remember all your thoughts when i was in the north um yeah okay um there's someone else as well okay um so this i'd like you know you have those um with a dessert thing you can have like a little um selection of desserts so i'm gonna have a little like um selection

so chocolate Guinness cake.

Nice.

Very nice.

You both had it?

Yeah.

I made it on Celebrity Bacov.

You made it?

Yeah.

Was it good?

Yeah, it's amazing.

Yeah.

Very easy recipe as well.

Is it actually?

Super easy.

Yeah, I used it, it sort of based it on the Nigella recipe for it.

Yeah, look up Nigella's recipe for this.

Yeah, and then Evelyn Mock made me a vegan one.

It was amazing.

Like, it's so good.

So there was this cafe in

Streatham that we used to go to like twice a week and be like, have you got the chocolate guinea cake?

And then it was so popular, I would never have it.

But then I couldn't make it myself because then I'd have a whole, like, it would just be too much.

Like, it's so dark and rich, isn't it?

Like

it's like it's like the cream cheese one.

I made my own I made up my own frosting which probably wasn't as good.

I used Bailey's in the case.

It's not as good.

I'm sorry.

It's not as good.

Yeah, but it's not as good.

It was the best cake on the day.

And even poor Hollywood would be would be forced to admit it, even though I didn't get Starbaker.

Who got Starbaker?

Example.

Where was the cake?

Example got it.

It's a place called Cafe Cecilia.

It's really good.

They do really good.

They do hackney.

I'm always on the hunt for places because

it's not everywhere.

Well, they don't do.

So what they do is they do a Guinness bread that you can have like when you get there.

And then for dessert, you can get Guinness bread ice cream.

Oh, where they make great.

And that is so good.

I can't imagine.

Why haven't you taken that?

But I don't like the drink Guinness.

I'll take you there, man.

Thanks, man.

Is it like the drink Guinness?

No, no, it's like...

But you just said you want

to see the case, yeah, but I don't like it.

In the same way the chocolate Guinness cake is like Guinness, that's how much the bread is like Guinness.

Yeah, it's just the flavours.

And then the ice cream is like it's got that bread in it as well.

But does it have like the frost?

Because the frosting is the bit that's no, they don't frost the ice cream or the bread.

This is not the same thing.

So, you've got this, you've got this chocolate Guinness cake, Harriet, yeah,

and then a scoop of Cherry Garcia, Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

They don't do it anywhere, they only do it now at the cinemas.

It's bullshit.

Discontinued, what something else discontinued, pretty much.

This is it, yeah.

This is the story of my life.

Yeah, also ice cream chewetts.

They're my favourite chewets.

They don't do them anymore.

You can hardly get them anywhere.

Did you want those on the platter?

Maybe one of those and a quality street.

They can come with a bill.

Yeah, they can come with a bill.

James' already angry about that.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, don't fuck around with this platter.

I'll put some ice cream chewets on the plate for the bill.

I'm not.

Which quality street?

Strawberry.

Strawberry cream.

Well.

The only answer is purple.

No.

The only answer is purple.

I'd have a strawberry over purple.

You're welcome to and we could share it in any day.

Yeah, what do you like uh i like i mean i like the fudge ones the toffee ones we work well together with a quality street tin yeah the toffee you guys are crazy no wonder you guys needed vinsaline if you're eating the toffee one i'm not having the toffee one no no it's changing the fruit

i'm having maybe the orange i'm having the fudge and the toffee ones you're having the big purple ones i'm saying we work

on us right now we're in harmony that toffee penny is insane's eating all the coconut ones he's not happy about that bad luck monito no that is what you're eating mate yeah so bad luck yeah you will after this podcast you'll eat the great coconut.

The great coconut.

Green triangle for bonito.

I like them.

I'll have those as well.

Yeah.

I told you you'd like them.

Yeah, so that's my like little amuse.

Is it called a muse bouche or like a little

opposite?

So you've got

Guinness Cake.

Petty Four.

It's meant to be Petty Four, but it's not Petty.

I want it to be big.

So a big slice of chocolate Guinness Cake, a scoop of Cherry Gussia, ice cream,

strawberry quality street, and ice cream.

Hold on a second.

Hold on a shack.

hold on a stracker a petty four so actually the dessert isn't really a selection of desserts because you you can have it's a petty four a big bit of guinness cake with a massive scoop of batter scoop of cherry garter in the same bowl and then i'll just bring those sweets along with your bill i want it all on the same plate though so it doesn't work because why would you want the chirrits on the same plate as your because it's a petty four i don't know it just it looks it's fun together don't you think that's fun i'm in charge yeah it's dream meal

i can't understand why maybe there's not a reason bit of fun yeah it's just nice isn't it unwrapped for you?

Or wrapped?

Wrapped.

Like chewets.

You want to unwrap them.

That's the thing I...

Just want.

That's what stops me getting chewetts a lot of the time.

Well, I mean, I haven't had chewets for age.

But I can't be bothered to unwrap those every time.

Have you had an ice cream chewett though?

No.

They're so good.

And discontinued again.

Yeah.

Discontinued.

This isn't the story of my life.

Yeah.

So this is a good way of using the dream restaurant because you can bring things back.

Yeah.

That's a vector.

Sometimes people find them and they give them to me and it's it's really good.

I think a lot of them are out of date by now, but you know, they're just quite hard.

Um,

you'll be given you back to you now, see how you feel about that.

Water, you would like sparkling tap water, yes, popped on saw bread, roast me for ketchup with oil and balsamic.

Yes, separate separate, you can do it yourself.

Starter, six pan-fried scallops with lemon, salt, and chili.

Yeah, main course, badana pizza, ligaria style.

That means with the whole with the salad in that you can eat for the first time.

And this is in pizza cap.

Side dish: James Jules and the giant peach waffle from Utter Waffle.

Drink, hun.

Sauve Blanc Hun.

On a train.

With us.

Yes.

Dessert.

Chocolate Guinness cake with Cherry Garcia, Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

With also ice cream chewetts and strawberry quality streets.

Just one of each.

One of each of those.

The petty four, yeah.

That's a little petty four either side.

It's actually turned out for, I'd say, a remarkably insane episode that when you read the menu back, you wouldn't know.

Really?

It makes sense to me.

Yeah, I really thought about it because I knew there'd be complaints and I really wanted to be very thoughtful about it.

I think it's good.

And I hope that dessert sounds great.

Chocolate Guinness cake and cherry garcia.

That's great.

And Quaddy Street.

Yeah, I care about those.

I deliberately admitted, though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But the actual ice cream with the cake is that's great.

Yeah.

I mean, it's almost like you may as well have picked chocolate fudge cake and ice cream from Pizza Express.

No, it's not as good.

Absolutely not.

This is a.

Well, I could look.

It's a version of that.

Is that what you're having at Pizza Express when you do go to Pizza Express?

Do you have that dessert?

I'm too full usually

by the dobles and the thing.

But then they did have a nice carrot, like a vegan carrot cake for a while.

And that was pretty good.

But again,

discontinued.

And their pasta.

I quite like their pasta.

Stop that.

Yeah.

That was smooth.

No big chunks.

We've learned a lot today, Harriet, about you, about the animal kingdom.

Thank you.

Maybe call your special Smooth No Chunks.

Yeah, Smooth No Chunks.

It sounds like one mate, doesn't it?

Thank you for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you for serving me.

Well, there we are.

The off-menu menu of Harriet Kempsley.

You know, as expected,

in that I did not know what was going to happen.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, as you said, the menu itself, actually not that bad.

Despite Harriet's fears.

Yes, if you just looked at the menu written down on a sheet of paper, you would not know that the conversation was...

I was going to say bananas, but that's completely the wrong phrase to use it's absolutely not bananas people might point to the side dish and go that's a that's a dessert as a side dish yeah

but i like that that just felt like a little twist you know i liked it i liked it a bit of fun but yeah i mean we learned a lot there uh or did we i think we learned that we don't know anything yeah but what we definitely learned is harriet didn't pick caterpillars she did not pick and you know touch and go yeah there i mean i guess you know vegetarian but do caterpillars have brains

they must do they must do that There's the one in the giant peach, so

you know, coming back to the menu in a way.

Yeah.

The caterpillar that lives in the giant peach seems pretty on it.

Yeah, a lot of peach chat.

Yeah.

So we could have, you know, she could have accidentally eaten a caterpillar on her menu.

Oh, hold on a second, Ed.

Oh.

She picked James and the Giant Peach.

Yeah.

Inside the Giant Peach is a caterpillar.

Yeah.

So we should have kicked her out.

We should have kicked her out.

That's a shame.

The caterpillar's not called Jules Benito.

No.

Jules just asked.

Benito just to ask me the caterpillar in the giant peach is called jules if now the big if yeah if harriet had picked colin the caterpillar kicked her out would we have had to kick her out well it's not a dried caterpillar no we couldn't have right yeah and i guess the caterpillar in the giant peach isn't a dried caterpillar it's a light living caterpillar if anything it's a juicier caterpillar yeah it's got all peach juice in it yeah yeah very very juicy the more i'm talking about it now the more i'm doubting there is a caterpillar in the giant peach

didn't you read the audiobook i did read the audiobook and that's why i'm trying to think i think there's there's definitely a grasshopper a ladybird yeah silkworm there's a worm there's a worm i'm not sure there's a caterpillar

i don't think there is a caterpillar i think she's i think she's because one of the desserts we had on great british menu last year was james and the giant peach themed and the chef had made a jelly worm

made his own jelly worm coming out the side of it very nice yeah so it's uh and it had a balloon a helium balloon attached to it with an edible string and you pop the balloon and it had peach scent in it oh i thought you were going to say peach juice yeah everyone got it.

Yeah.

Do go and watch Harriet's special.

We don't know if it's out now or when it's going to be out.

It might have come out during the course of you listening to this episode.

Yeah, yeah.

Who knows?

It might be out there.

But seek it out and seek out everything that Harriet does.

It'll always be funny.

It'll always be good value.

And also, my book, Glutton, The Multi-Course Life of a Very Greedy Boy, is available now.

Yes.

I'm very happy with it.

I'm very happy with it.

I think it's great.

Thank you.

Recording this quite a long time ago, guys, and James hasn't read it.

Huh?

No, it's my favourite book.

Thank you.

I think it's brilliant.

James does the audiobook.

Wheel Page Turner.

I do the audiobook as Ed.

Thank you very much.

We'll see you again.

No, thank you very much.

I'll see you again.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade-In and MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to then-current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Hello, I'm Carrie Ad.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.