Ep 210: Paapa Essiedu

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think colder because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here made for your chicken favorites at participating mcdonald's for a limited time

Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, squeezing the pods of the internet, popping out the Edamame beans of humor, humor Gobbling them down in an act of friendship.

And that's the off-menu podcast.

So you see you pod Edamame pods.

Not making the fruit salad anymore.

Not today.

That's a gamble.

My name is James A.

Castor.

We're at a dream restaurant, and every week we invite in a different guest.

We ask them their favourite ever-star main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Papa Sir Du.

Papa Sir Dew, a wonderful actor.

He's been in so much brilliant stuff just.

and what a hit rate this guy's got.

It's just been hit after hit.

Hit after hit.

So many things.

And also, let's not forget the Lazarus Project.

Yes, the Lazarus Project is, of course, coming back for a series two.

Very excited.

Yeah, Time Loop, baby.

Time loop.

Maybe we should put the introduction at the end of the podcast today because we'll time loop in it.

Yes.

Well, we should keep it here.

Yeah.

And then put it at the end as well.

Yeah, but that's up to Benito.

Yeah.

I guess so.

Because it has to be a time loop, Benito.

You've got to loop it.

Yeah.

So.

Can you loop a pod?

Yeah.

So we're going to loop this episode.

It'll be looped forever.

Time loop.

If you want to listen to it forever.

Yeah.

Bad luck.

You're not going to be able to listen to any other podcast because this is going to be looped.

Yeah, that's it now.

But listen, I hope that this doesn't get looped over and over again.

I hope we don't have to kick Papa out.

And then that's the actual like episode over and over.

And you've got to hear him getting kicked out over and over again.

Because he will get kicked out if he picks a secret ingredient on which we have pre-decided.

and this week the secret ingredient is sachets of pepper sachets of pepper now not anything i've ever considered to be an issue

sachets of pepper

not anything i've ever thought was an issue to be honest sachets of pepper but i guess like the really ground black pepper not particularly pleasant for me but this has been selected by a listener james and who's the listener leo watkins leo watkins um i mean i get it

i would i don't think i've ever used a sachet of pepper because why would you?

What would you need it for?

Well, if you're at like a service station or something, or what for though?

What are you needing to pepper up in the service station?

Whatever you want.

If there's something bland, you want to pepper it up.

Maybe

a Prette Aminger.

Yeah.

Pepper?

You put some pepper on the Prette.

Pepper on the Prette.

I don't know about that, but...

Well, no, look, they sell like, you know, if so I'll often have breakfast from a Prat.

Yeah.

And it'll be like, there'll be like an egg-based thing.

I'm peppering that up.

and you know i love a bit of pepper on my egg i sing the song go on i've told you about this before surely once uh at university i was having breakfast with some friends and our friend tom neenan heard me very quietly and this so it was for no one else it was just for me when i was putting pepper on my egg going a little bit of pepper on my egg yeah that's good to the tune of mama number five that's very good so i always sing that when i put pepper on my egg yeah if i if i love something yeah i'll sing the susie quattro song i love rock and roll but about whatever the thing is

i'll still the next line will always be so put another dime in the jukebox baby no matter what it is yeah so so yeah

i love peppery yeah so put another dime in the jukebox baby yeah

for example

um so hopefully papa's not gonna say that yeah you know i mean there's also never enough pepper in there i'd say the little sachet yeah you need two well you need one and a half that's the issue yeah yeah all right well thanks leo watkins thank you to papa isadu very excited to hear what his menu is going to be.

This is the off-menu menu of Papa Siadou.

Welcome Papa to the dream restaurant.

Thank you.

Welcome Papa Isiadu to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

You're waiting for that.

I was waiting for that.

You weren't going to speak

before I got out of the way.

That's a very polite way of dealing with the genie, just knowing he's on his way.

Should I be interrupting the genie or or should the genie be leading me?

You do what you want.

This is your dream restaurant.

Yeah.

I'll follow your lead, if anything.

Okay, I'll let the genie go first then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did it look good when I burst out the lamp?

The lamp is shattered now.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so I don't know what you're going to do next week.

Oh, it's going to be, this is the final episode.

It's finally happened.

The genie shattered the lamp.

That's it.

I'm free.

I'm free.

It's the last meal.

Yeah, I mean, you're not dressed as I would expect a genie to be dressed.

Oh, yeah.

What were you picturing before?

Oh, you know, those kind of shoes that kind of go up at the front.

The curly shoes.

The curly shoes.

Yeah.

The turban.

Yeah, yeah.

Probably culturally inappropriate.

I like that.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, we talk.

I mean, yeah, genies.

There's some egginess around the presentation of genies, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, there is.

Yeah, yeah.

And, you know, I mean, we're trying to deal with it in the genie community.

Yeah.

We know that we've got to move with the times.

So,

but I think we're doing all right.

This is the genie that I want to see.

Yeah.

This is just what is reassuring to you.

If you saw my true form.

Very, very comfortable with this version of a genie.

Yeah, yeah.

See, it's like modern genie.

Yeah, so it's okay.

Are you a foodie?

Would you say?

Would you say you're a big foodie?

I mean, you're wearing a, the listener can't see it, but you're wearing like a t-shirt with a drink on it,

a happy cocktail with a little face.

A happy Negroni.

Yeah.

Am I a foodie?

I enjoy food, but I also

picky with foods.

I've got a long list of foods that I don't like.

Does that mean that I'm not a foodie?

no i don't think so in fact i think if you know that there's things that you don't like and you know what you really do like that probably does that qualifies you as a foodie right i'd say depending on how long this list is actually the list is extensive should we reel some off now get them out of the way yeah has it always been this way or along your life yeah as you go on do you add more and more things to this list i kind of think that my list of accepted foods kind of the doorway into the room shut at the age of about six or seven years old so i've got what can only be described as a juvenile juvenile appetite, right?

Okay, what are the big ones that if that's on the menu, there's absolutely no way you're eating that?

Uh, I'm not going anywhere near olives, all right, okay.

I'm going nowhere near almost every type of cheese.

I don't want to see a mushroom,

you don't want to see a mushroom, I don't even want to see it.

I, in fact, I particularly don't want to see it, yeah, and I don't want to eat it.

I don't want

I'm not mad on cucumbers, right?

Yeah, not crazy for capers.

It's all got to be a literature.

Moving forward.

I don't like raisins or

any kind of like fruit in a dessert.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

I think those things should be kept very separate.

But yeah,

that's the top list, but there's a lot behind that.

Fruit in dessert.

Yeah.

Separate.

I'm not sure.

That's interesting.

Yeah.

A lot of people would hate fruit in a dessert.

In a savory dessert.

Yeah.

but you're like nowhere in a dessert.

You can't have it.

You don't want apple pie.

No, I don't want an apple pie.

I don't want like an eat-in-mess.

I don't want like a blueberry cheesecake.

Well, especially not a blueberry cheesecake.

Oh, does that make you because it is.

People would say it doesn't taste like cheese, but does that put you off?

I know.

I can read.

I know.

I know what's going on there.

I love the idea of you say that to a waiter going, you know, I can read, right?

There's cheese in there.

If I've not eaten that,

what idiot.

Right, okay.

So maybe I'm not a foodie, I don't know, but I do like food.

I love the food that I like.

Yeah, sure.

Do you know what I mean?

But I really, really hate the ones that I don't.

Is this menu just going to be the same dish over and over again?

Basically.

Basically potatoes.

Yeah.

The Lazarus Project season two, which we should talk about before we get into the menu, because it's very exciting.

Now, look, I've never done a season two of anything.

Neither have I, actually.

Really?

It's just the first time?

Yeah.

So was that new for you going back on setting and be like, it's Everwood again?

Yeah, that was actually quite nice seeing everyone's stupid question

have you never done a season two of something nothing's ever been recommissioned really

i'm not lying

so this is huge this is huge for you yeah it was big it's quite funny like i've never done a season two and neither is joe button who wrote it was an amazing writer wrote things like giri hadju and he himself says that he's he's notorious for getting uh shows cancelled right so we were we were both in unknown territory we were all in Unknown Territory, but it was nice.

Would have been good if this show had got cancelled and then you got a season two.

It would have been very fitting.

If it got

Lazarus.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, true.

Come back from the dead.

Yeah, pretty good.

Yeah, that's pretty good, actually.

And if you could plug in a laugh or an applause after I said that.

Well, it's not a laugher, is it?

An applause.

More of a thinker.

An applause.

No, more of a...

Ah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It was right there.

I couldn't resist it.

I love Time Loop stuff, but I often find I will watch it and have absolutely no idea what's going on quite often.

But that's what I like.

I like being out foxed.

You like being confused?

I like being confused, yeah.

And then like doing some research into it and working out what's happened.

Do you just get ahead of it now?

If you're watching something, there's Time Loop, so you're like, I know what's going on here.

Well, I mean, no, I kind of lean into it because I also get confused watching and doing Time Loop shows, you know?

So like, I spend a lot of my time when we're shooting being like,

where are we?

Has it happened here?

um you know there's a the the the the you you'd expect uh there to be a greater level of control exerted over performance and the creative process but alas we are yeah we're mere mortals and we're struggling that yeah because i guess like you're shooting everything out of order anyway absolutely so it's probably even more confusing yeah yeah so you've got to lean into the chaos yeah

don't come to me asking for questions to be answered are you allowed to say anything about what people could expect from this or is it all super hush hush yeah uh no spoilers i suppose it kind of it kind of picks up immediately after where the first uh season ends oh i don't know what i'm allowed to say should i just say more of the same

maybe we should just start doing spoilers i think everything's so sport spoiler free yeah these days and actually i think if you really want to get me to watch something just go look there's a scene in it where we fight a massive thing yeah and it kills everybody basically everyone dies in this series

then that'll get me to watch it that'd be way more then then it'd leap up my priorities because everything else is

because everything else now is just like you'll have to wait and see and then you then you watch it trailers aren't like trailers now just spoil loads of stuff and that

yeah well they trick your trailers a lot of the time do they yeah there's loads of like marvel trailers and stuff where they like cgi someone out of the the frame so they're not in there or they replace a light or they show it in a different context so everyone thinks it's about something else and then you watch it and it's like no there was just a trick but they changed it they're mugging us off they're making mugs of you yeah and we shouldn't have it no But yeah, more of the same, I would say.

That would be a great trailer.

Just you click play and it just says more of the same.

Still of sparkling water.

Absolutely still water.

Yeah.

No conversation about it.

Move on next.

Was this another decision you got made when you were six?

Yeah.

I mean, like, I think the thing about sparkling water that I've always found disappointing is it's got the texture of Fantar or of Lilt,

but nothing else yeah it hasn't got the flavor it hasn't got the exhilaration it hasn't got the um dopamine here yeah and and to be honest like being honest i don't really love water yeah i'm not here for water in like in a huge way i'm not one of those people who's gasping for for this pro this this glass of water in front of me is probably going to remain undrunk for the whole thing but i like i look at water and i was like i'm like that would be so much better if it was juice or that would be so much better if it was beer but like like, necessity dictates that I've got to drink it.

So if I'm going to drink it, keep it as plain and easily drinkable as possible.

Get it down you.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't want to be sipping it.

I don't want to be thinking about it.

I just want it to be there and then gone.

Glug it.

Would you glug it?

It's downed.

Yeah.

What is a glug?

Gone?

Well, I guess downing is within the, comes under the umbrella of glugging, or glugging comes under the umbrella of downing, right?

Well, it depends how quickly you're down it.

If you down it in one, that's not glugging it.

But glugging is like, to me, it's an audible thing, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, like a big sip that is so big that it makes a sound when you push it down your neck.

So is the sound coming out of your mouth or through

the throat.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd be glugging.

Yeah, you'd be glugging.

I'd be glugging.

I'd be glugging hard.

Because like, what, are you sipping?

I mean, I'm a glugger.

You're a glugger.

Yeah, even in, you know, even in company, even in, you know, when you're around.

Big sips.

No, James gave me the nickname Big Sips, and I can't stress enough it's not taken off.

No one calls me Big Sips socially.

I take big sips though.

You do take big sips.

I do take big sips.

It's an accurate nickname, but I do take big sips.

It doesn't look like he has.

Always have.

You watch him and it looks like he's taking a little sip and then he puts the glass back down.

Half of it's gone.

It's amazing.

Pop-a-doms or bread!

Pop-a-bombs of bread, Papa.

See you do it.

Pop-doms or bread.

I think bread.

The thing about Pop of Dom's is you've got all the

accompanying condiments, right?

Yeah.

You've got that mango chutney, you've got those onions you've got maybe a little bit of chili sauce nice but bread

like i think bread warm bread butter a little bit of salt a little bit of

butter sometimes like rosemary or something yeah but

herby stuff yeah some herbie stuff

i didn't expect you to like rosemary um i mean i set my stall out quite intensely to begin with didn't i but like yeah rosemary's on the yes list see now because you said the door shut at six or seven yeah i'm imagining a six-year-old you absolutely loving rosemary yeah just everywhere

filler out of for catcher yeah so this is interesting here's here's an idea if you want to do this because you like the condiments that come with the poppadoms what about if we let you some of the condiments some of the of course what if we let you have bread and then you you could put some of the poppadom con condiments with it i don't think we've ever done that before no we've not done i don't think we've ever done that before no if we've not done that before what so like mango chutney on bread if you want that sounds insane there does it does, actually.

The most insane thing you've ever said on the podcast.

Brawl onion on bread.

Yeah, it's got a little cut.

Brawl

on bread.

Give me that.

Yeah.

And then shoot me in the head.

Shortest episode we've ever done.

Yeah.

Give someone the bread course, shoot them in the head.

For my starter, I'd like a bullet to the brain, please.

I can't imagine having the poplar on condiments with anything else.

Mango chutney?

What else are you putting that on?

Cheese toasty.

Wow.

Look at that.

On top of the chutney.

Heston over here.

You put it in the middle.

Might go chutney in a cheese toasty.

Delicious, right?

Have I had that?

Is it imaginative, or have you done that?

No, I think I've done that.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, so you have the chutney on hand.

Yeah, in a jar.

They sell it in jars.

You buy them in jars.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can buy it in jars.

That's wonderful.

Yeah.

You got that at home?

Not right now.

But you did have it.

But I can't have cheese in the house either.

No, he loves cheese.

It's the opposite to you.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

I love cheese so much.

And if I have it in the house, it just gets eaten in one sitting.

Oh, so you literally can't be in the presence of it at all.

I can't be in the presence of it.

I can't have it at home anyway.

I have it when I go.

You really are the opposite to me.

I used to sell the cheese off my pizza when I was at school.

What?

What?

What do you mean, what?

That's it.

That's it.

It was short for what do you mean?

So you would sell the cheese off your pizza?

Yeah, when I was at school, school dinners, you get what?

You get like two slices of...

I wouldn't say it was like high-quality pizza, but it resembles pizza at least.

Knife under the cheese, cut it off.

yeah who wants some i'm swapping it for what three freddos yeah i'm swapping it for some good buying gums i'm swapping it for maybe even a cookie wow so you're all money 50p 50p for the cheese yeah i mean that's a good market for it that's really that's really good 50p people love cheese like you'd probably

i'd be absolutely snapping that cheese bankrupt yeah who was buying the chip like did you have a main customer who would always do it or were you different people every time good question uh you know what

it goes to the highest bidder right yeah yeah

i would think that you'd establish someone who they always want the cheese you'd think someone would always be following me in the lunch queue you'd have like a mate who they would always get it from you someone who's got a real problem would you yeah he's like there you go it's the standard it's that's part of the routine at lunchtime 50p gets their cheese yeah no it was it i i i i was quite democratic with it i would say i would say like i mean there are there are probably more cheese lovers than cheese haters out there so you can spread love don't you well especially if it's pizza day right yeah but i mean i suppose the sad thing is on the other side of that is then you have a cheeseless pizza

the bread's not high quality the tomato sauce is not high quality there's no there's now no toppings because the toppings went with the cheese well you put you put a fredda on yours yeah yeah

melting very quickly so you would just have tomato bread tomato bread yeah i'm saying it like i wasn't happy about it yeah i was really happy you were having some cheese you know i got i genuinely imagined being the kid who bought the extra cheese and got excited about the idea of putting an extra layer of cheese on top of my pizza.

Cheese on cheese.

Yeah.

Being like, oh, yeah, this is the best day at school ever.

It's exciting.

Yeah, that might be exciting for you.

That's why I love pepperoni feast from Pizza Hut so much.

Double pepperoni, double cheese.

Is it?

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Didn't know that about the pizza.

Pepperoni feast is double cheese, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Layer of pepperoni on the tomato, then cheese, then pepperoni, then cheese.

From memory.

Well, then I would assume it would be tomato, cheese pepperoni cheese pepperoni that's what i would assume that is better actually i'll just assume that yeah yeah yeah yeah mad to put the pepperoni

it's like a pepperoni pizza with then another layer of cheese yeah yeah yeah no i think you're both right why would you put the pepperoni on the bottom that's absolutely crazy but if you did so let's say you went to pizza hut yeah and you got the pepperoni food there's two layers of cheese on there yeah are you selling that for a quid Or are you selling each layer separately?

Well, first of all, I think what I'm ideally going to try and do I'm trying to do pepperoni pepperoni cheese cheese so that I get rid of the cheese in one fell swoop sweep

still get the toppings do you know what I mean yeah and then yeah like it's going it's going for at least a pan so you're going to have a word with the kitchen before they make it you're going to say can you please well I think all of us need to have a word with the kitchen to see like what is the what what is the technique going on here

what's the deal but like yeah I'd definitely I'd definitely be like I'm trying to probably get a business out here and you tell pizza hut that you're trying to get a business going

what what you're doing here.

Oh, a Pizza Hut.

Is that still the thing?

Yeah.

Can you still walk into a Pizza Hut?

I think you can.

Ketrin, you can.

Yeah.

Pizza Hut on the roundabout.

There's a roundabout in Ketrin, big roundabout.

And if you go on it, there's a pub, there's Pizza Hut, there's Nando's, there's a McDonald's, and then there's a gym on this roundabout.

You work your way around.

Yeah.

You can see the business scenes.

Yeah,

they know what they're doing.

Absolutely.

Ice Cream Factory.

Oh, yeah.

I've spoken about it on the podcast before, but you made myself very sick, didn't you?

So did I.

Like me and my friends trying to take each other on who could do the most trips to the ice cream factory.

Yeah.

Did you actually throw up?

No, but I was very close to it.

I was laying down in the back of the car.

You threw up.

Because like you could get, was it like jelly tart stuff they put on top of it or like fruit pestles or whatever?

Things that shouldn't be anywhere near ice.

Near ice cream, right?

I'm talking about like fruit not being able to be in desserts, but jelly tots.

strawberry ice cream.

Yeah, yeah.

I went to a hardened jelly tart.

So yeah, 10 years old,

your body's not quite yet matured enough to be able to take on that challenge.

How many

maturing?

I actually weirdly think it was in

it was in two trips.

So it's just like a very, very, very big mountain of tots.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like, it's like what you can just take as many jelly tots as you want.

Yeah, yeah.

I think it was maybe also the first time I encountered the philosophy of the buffet.

Yeah, that's a mad moment, isn't it?

It's crazy, right?

Because like the first time you encounter a buffet, you're like, oh, let me get as much stuff as I can in one sitting

as we as we mature collectively you realize that you've got to be tactical about it, right?

You've got to take small plates several times and also personally the tactic is stick to high quality proteins don't fill up on carbs interesting if you're still hungry by the time you've had all of the other stuff

then you go for the carbs it's not going to go too easily in the pizza

no pizza pizza won't work yeah i'd just be waiting for you to pick the cheese off you

i mean yeah i think as a kid kid when they tell you an unlimited trips to the ice cream factory what do i think is going to happen do you remember the feeling of sicking up ice cream

i i remember the confusion of because because it was such um a fast transition from like the elation and the joy and like the unbridled like yeah possibility of life of life yeah that this is the top of the mountain right but like the descent after that was so swift and um clearly executed yeah it was really it was confusing.

Yeah, I bet.

Oh, that's a horrible moment.

Do you remember the feeling of sickening up ice cream?

Well, it's good, it was a good answer, so it was a good answer, but here we are.

This is what this podcast did.

Have you ever sickened up ice cream?

No, never.

As soon as I felt it coming up, my gutted tried to swallow it again and say, Scrum to the upshot.

I was just trying to work out if it was cold.

If it came out cold, it came out cold.

Interested.

Yeah.

Did it come out cold?

That's the one thing.

I am committed to the pages of my diary.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Mix them into a sub disguised as a salad.

Or bathe them in bechamel for a magnifique croque madame.

Okay, that's technically a sandwich, but it's a really good sandwich.

Stop making just sandwiches, because we're Kretschmar and we're made for more

your dream starter ah does this menu have to be like coherent as an actual meal no totally up to you yeah it's your it's your dream meal you want whatever you want no one's watching no it won't be yeah

okay so my starter is a taco

Al pastor, Mexican street vendor.

Yes.

Mexico City.

So we're talking that corn tortilla we're talking that pork that is kind of now i'm actually thinking back on it it's not a natural color but it's a very vivid kind of pinky purpley whatever ready there's coriander there's the cut bits of onion from the breadstarter

there's hot sauce there's those little bits of tomato there's guacamole That sounds very nice.

Now this has surprised me straight out the gate, James.

You're surprised?

Yeah.

Go on.

Because all the talk has been about, I won't eat things that I didn't eat when I was seven and I'm really picky.

We've seen the appearance of coriander, which is probably the ultimate thing that's on people's lists if they're a picky eater that they won't eat.

Is it?

Yeah.

But isn't that like an actual like condition?

There is that.

Yeah, people get weird about it.

They say it tastes like soap.

It's like a sort of medical thing.

But also some people just hate coriander.

Yeah.

And I just, yeah, I think, you know, you've got some things on there that have surprised me that I wouldn't expect from a picky eater.

And it sounds, it sounds delicious.

I love coriander.

the more the merrier i like coriander the more the merrier not the more the merrier

just

so you you had this in in mexico city yeah yeah yeah i was in mexico city like uh last year and have you been no no have you been to mexico at all never no do you like mexican food yeah love it really want to go to mexico should probably go that's where it is i suppose isn't it

it's everywhere actually

but yeah they've got kind of like street vendors who play amazing music.

And

I don't actually know what's going on behind the, what would you call that?

The stall?

Well,

they're in the stall.

A bit like a little truck.

Yeah, let's just say behind the screen.

Behind a candelabra.

Yeah.

I don't know what's going on.

But like you make your order and it comes out fully formed and perfect and beautiful and oily and greasy and amazing.

Is there a certain vendor that you're thinking of that was that that was the best one and you want to go back there?

We kind of of spent one day because like i love tacos we spent one day walking around mexico city and getting all the we went on one of those like annoying like websites that's like best tacos in mexico city and we were like yes please and yeah there were several on that kind of like tour of mexico city but i what i actually really do remember is the final one that we went to after having had like maybe 10 15 tacos over the day which um sounds better before than after

but the final one was a kind of like almost like buffet style taco situation where they give you the tortillas and then put like what looks like a kilogram of pork like in front of you and kind of stand there and watch you eat it.

Oh, wow.

You know, so it would be the kind of situation where we would have just like taken little bits and then bounced.

But because there it was very, very quiet and very brightly lit.

Yeah.

So I was kind of pushed again towards the

great sicky moment.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Too many of my stories are kind of edging towards that.

You're not knowing when you stop.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm a few jelly tots on top of the taco.

Oh, yes, dude.

I tell you what.

Sweet tacos is the dream, man.

Yeah.

Sweet tacos.

There was somewhere, I can't remember where it was now, so this is going to be an awful story, but where they did chocolate tacos.

And I did one of those things,

similar to you, like...

googling something things that you've got to eat so like like great they do chocolate tacos at this place had to walk a really long way got there it was shut and i still think about it all the time still think how much i wanted those chocolate tacos it's the shell was

inside or the shell chocolate shell was dipped in chocolate hard shell hard shell hard like waffle cone shell dipped in chocolate and then inside that like ice cream and oh my god i think that might have been actually during the disney holiday and i think it was at disney springs and i was like we're gonna get these i can't wait and then we got there it was shut and a little tear rolled down my cheek Oh, no.

I don't know about sweet tacos.

Wait, have you have you ever had a plantain taco?

Yeah.

Have I?

Yeah, you must have.

From

Oaxaca.

They're coming at Oaxaka.

Thoughts.

Fantastic.

So you like a sweet taco?

Yeah, I do, but I suppose plantain

delicately straddles the sweet and savoury divide, doesn't it?

It's getting invited to both parties.

Yeah.

Very popular guy, the plantain.

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, I think it brings lovely sweetness to savoury things.

But I would still consider it a savoury food.

But then I guess...

Would you?

Okay.

Yeah, but I g I guess I've no I don't think I've had it in a sweet dessert context so I'm sure my mind would be changed.

Is it fruit?

Plantain.

Yeah.

If it was in a dessert, would you be okay with that?

Yeah, I would.

Ah.

You really went somewhere there.

I really have to imagine.

It's like, wow, you really pinned me to the fruit.

Yeah, I would.

I'd love it.

Yeah, it is a fruit.

You're right.

But like,

look, when I'm talking about fruits and desserts, and no don't take me back but like i am thinking like dried fruits and desserts uh yeah yeah uh like i don't want a sultana i don't want a raisin i don't want a dried cranberry or whatever i don't want to see

um and also just like cherries like whether they're real cherries or those like fake cherries that you get on cakes or whatever both of them have them separately put it in the bowl eat it kind of feel like you're being healthy if you're having your cake if you're having your biscuit whatever allow yourself to give yourself over to the fact that that is an indulgent moment i don't want to be it to be interrupted by vitamins and yeah and and such surely the raisin can be an indulgent thing it can be part of an indulgence can't it they're super sweet there's no vitamins in a raisin yeah but what are they

dried grapes dried grapes

but they look like they're a thousand years old if you actually think about it as a dried grape when was that a grape yeah you're looking for sure they should let you know on the packet they should show you the journey from like plump like delicious grape to raisin you never eat it yeah this is when this was a grape there should be a date

this was last a grape on this day and then you can decide if you want to eat it or not

i started buying dried sour cherries from the place around the corner for me and the other day bought a tub of dark chocolate ice cream and was just freely adding the dried sour cherries to the dark chocolate ice cream does that make you angry are you trying to provoke me yeah Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It feels like

it feels pointed.

Not only was he eating dried fruit in dessert, he was adding it himself.

I was adding it myself.

That was me chucking it in there, getting the sour cherries in with the dark chocolate.

Yeah.

Everything all right?

You don't act like you don't like that flavor combination?

No, I do, but just whenever I hear about you buying a big tub of ice cream and then throwing things into it, I'm like, James, okay?

Sure.

My tour started.

So, yeah, I'm doing that now.

That sounds delicious, though, I think.

And it's something it feels like cooking as well.

Why the sour cherry?

I quite like sour things, but basically, I went into this shop originally just to buy toppings from a Wheatabix.

Very important.

And I was like, I'm going to try some new toppings.

I've just been chopping up bananas and having raisins on them for ages now.

Ages as well.

Yeah, ages.

That's been my go-to.

Raisins and your Wheatabix.

Yeah, my go-to Wheatabix topping has been chopped up bananas and raisins for years.

Why?

I get the banana bit, barely, but like...

It tastes good.

The raisins as well.

Oh, yeah, I love...

Because you can get the little mini wheat abix that have raisins in them and stuff.

And I've always liked those.

So I was like, I'm just

adding the raisins myself.

So what about your dairy milk of choice?

Are you going for the fruit and that?

I probably would, you know.

Yeah, I love fruit and that's dairy milk.

That's crazy.

Oh, really?

Yeah, that's crazy.

The dairy milk is like maybe top five classic tastes.

Oh, on its own.

On its own, yeah.

You usually like the classic.

Pure dairy milk.

I like the pure dairy milk.

Well, I mean, I like the old school dairy milk before they made it weird.

Do they make it weird?

They've made it weird, yeah.

They don't know.

Because it's soft.

They've changed the shape of it and they've made it weird.

They've changed the shape and the flavour, I think.

Did you get that taken over by crop?

Yeah, I think I'm thinking of the old school classic.

Yeah, classic dairy milk.

And if you're going to stray from that, maybe the whole nut.

Whole nut?

Honest.

The whole nut, fine, but I wouldn't.

Bottom of the the table for me bottom bottom of the table the whole nut i'd put i i'd probably go for the fruit and nut first and then the the classic and then whole nut is way way down forget it i've never i'm 38 years old i've never parted with my money for a whole nut

still

never bought one never handed cash

cash over the counter for a fucking whole nut no

never done it

do you think you will do you for no i can't imagine unless i'm buying one for papa and i'm not gonna fucking do it

There's no way.

I'd buy you a whole nut if you wanted me to.

See, initially, you were trying to provoke Papa into saying something by saying you were adding sour cherries to ice cream, but you've managed to provoke yourself now.

You're really appropriate by this whole nut stuff.

And we're acting like it's normal, like it should even be on the shelves.

Yeah, I don't see the point of whole nut being on the shelves.

What?

Take it off the shelves.

You've got fruit and nut and you've got the classic dairy meal.

Well, you know how I feel about fruit and nuts, so like, don't put it.

Don't use that as an alternative option.

Yeah, you know who he feels about it

dream main course

okay dream main course it's called red red have you had that yet no no red red so red red is a ganyan dish it's black-eyed bean stew with a side portion of sweet fried

plantain.

So if we're talking like this black-eyed bean stew,

it's a kind of I mean, you've got black-eyed beans, you've got like a tomatoey base, kind of like fried in like garlic, ginger, onion, maggie cubes, maybe a bit of smoked fish, slow cooked over a long time, palm oils, very got a very red colouring and texture to it.

And that is kind of like counterbalanced by the sweet, savoury, indescribable perfection.

of a well-fried sweet plantain.

It sounds delicious.

Have you ever considered doing the voiceover for Marks and Spencer's app?

Because it's a very central way of talking about food.

Yeah.

I was actually really like going through, I was going through like the process of both like making it and devouring it as I was saying it.

Yeah.

I mean that sounds amazing.

And I like the name.

Red Red.

Red Red.

Does what it says in the tin.

Yeah, they're not messing around with that.

It doesn't come in the tin.

It will do when it's at Marks and Spencer's and you're doing the voiceover.

Yeah, when you're sponsored by.

Yeah.

Would that be like

Uncle Ben?

No, who was the person who had the source?

Lloyd Grossman?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It could be like Paparasi Ades, Red, Red.

Yeah, I think so.

Someone's going to message you about it.

How did Lloyd Grossman get that deal?

Well, he was the host of the original MasterChef.

Yeah, for a long time.

So sort of a bit of a food icon back in those days.

And then started doing his own source.

He's not at all.

I thought he was.

Who did you think he was?

I thought he was on like either like this is your life or like Through the Keyhole.

Through the keyhole

as well, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that confused him for me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was my introduction to him also.

So I was like you, I was like, how has the Through the Keyhole guy

got his own source?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

Why am I like compulsively buying the Astasols for

the Through the Keyhole guy?

Yeah, that was exactly what I was like.

I was like, he says, who lives in the house like this?

I don't know why he's selling source.

And then you discover actually this is his root this is who he actually is see really weirder that he's doing through the keyhole yeah maybe he'd seen so inside so many people's houses he'd worked out what the majority of people like on their pasta yeah so you can see that he's seen so many kitchens he's like i know exactly what's going to sell the best so do you think like all the offcuts of the of what's shot is just him going through like his yeah yeah going through cupboards yeah yeah yeah noting things out and then yeah

people like tomato

but then it's like really just for celebrities yeah so yeah, he knows what sources celebrities like.

Yeah.

Do you not remember him on MasterChef?

No, no.

I never I've never seen an episode of Master Chef in my life.

Right.

Well that was old school Master Chef.

Yeah.

And then it went away for a few years and it came back as originally called Master Chef on the Road, I believe, with Greg Wallace.

Right.

And then now that's just become MasterChef.

What was on the road?

Well, it's like they were going around the country finding good people, I think.

From from what I remember.

And what was what was original Master Chef?

It was in a studio, but they'd only be there for the contestants would only be there for one episode and they'd have to cook a dish within the time of the show.

And Lloyd Grossman was the host.

And then that led to the best Vic and Bob sketch.

You seen that one?

No.

Where Vic Reeves plays Lloyd Grossman as a sort of like horrifying, like big-headed, very pale, like vampiric figure.

And he floats across the studio.

Oh, I've seen that.

Yeah, you've seen that.

Well, that's Lloyd Grossman.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's supposed to be Lloyd Grossman.

Who do you want to be cooking?

The Red Red?

The Red Red is being cooked

by

any auntie.

Yeah.

It's got to be anyone who is referred to as an auntie.

Anyone that I would call an auntie.

Yeah.

Oh, so anyone that you would call an auntie, not just anyone who would call

yourself an auntie.

I wouldn't, the people that I would call an auntie aren't limited to my actual auntie.

Yes.

I'd probably call you an auntie.

Yeah.

I can't cook red red.

I'd have to really do some research.

But like, no, it has to be like cooked by an auntie in a kitchen, like a pot that's like

30 years old.

The music is loud.

You can smell it for like days.

It's in the sofa fabric.

It's like, you know, it's being carried with you.

It's got to have

that authentic feeling to it.

I'm always jealous of that with certain cultures calling people auntie and uncle and stuff.

I think it's so cool.

I don't have it.

Yeah, it'd be creepy if you did it.

Yeah, if I did it, it wouldn't work.

So what do you call, what would you call like your mum's mate just whatever her name is hilary you call her jen yeah i just call her hillary if i ever said how's it going auntie i think it'd

hilary get very confused yeah it doesn't sound good wouldn't work but then like guzz khan calls my dad uncle and my dad absolutely loves that yeah of course he absolutely loves it it's his favorite thing that anyone's ever called him is that guzz calls him uncle every time he sees him absolutely loves it um what would you call guzz's dad well i've not been introduced yet but i would just would you leave him in name or would you go with Mr.

Carn.

Mr.

Carn.

And then Mr.

Cant.

Really?

Yeah.

Goof uncle.

To begin with.

No, I wouldn't venture that.

I think after

the first day, maybe I'll see how we're doing.

Yeah.

And if I could.

I don't think you've got the confidence to get away with it.

Guz definitely has.

Oh, yeah.

I know that's more about Guz as a person rather than it being anything cultural at all.

But the thing is, if,

let's say...

Let's say Guz's mum was called Hilary.

Yep.

Right?

You couldn't call her Hilary.

I couldn't.

No.

Oh, why not?

You'd have to call her Auntie.

I'd have to call her Auntie.

I think so.

Or Mrs.

Khan.

Mrs.

Khan, perhaps.

Or Ms.

Khan.

Ms.

Khan.

Ms.

Khan.

But that feels like even more formal to me.

Yeah.

Ms.

Khan.

That feels like a bit boarding school.

Yeah.

Auntie is like respectful, but still that chill.

Yeah.

Normally, I just

call your man.

Yes.

It's so close to Auntie as well.

You may as well

add.

Cup of tea on the end.

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, I'll probably just call them by their first name.

Yeah.

But I'm always, I think it's way cooler to like call people uncle and auntie.

I think it's respectful.

It's respectful and affectionate at the same time.

Right.

And also, if you forget someone's name, it's really useful.

Don't have to worry about that.

Don't have to learn any of the names of your mum's mates.

Just call everyone auntie.

Yeah.

And also there seems to be some like clear kind of like, like we say, any auntie could cook that because there's a clear skill set.

already attached to that that name.

What age does someone become auntie though?

It's interesting.

I think like a lot of i think i'm entering my uncle era yeah people have started uncling me really in a way that i'm not hugely comfortable

but like i think i'm also exhibiting like certain uncle behaviours yeah like what what's what are uncle behaviors i guess like sitting in the sofa in a certain way do you know what i mean you kind of got

once you kind of start sitting like yeah slouching a bit yeah unclish yeah unclish sort of slouching but also being like i've sat in the sofa before yeah yeah yeah this is my space on the sofa exactly and i'm not going to move.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uncle.

It's a bit of an existential, it's like it's really confronting.

Yeah.

Leaving behind the ice cream factory era.

It kind of goes straight from ice cream factory to uncle.

Sitting like an uncle.

That seems quite early for you to be getting called uncle.

You must have not been expecting it now.

Like I said, I'm like, it's hard.

It's hard to be confronted by, but like the proof is in the seat.

The proof's in the posture.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

The old proof.

Yeah.

the old adage.

The prince and the posture.

You can't really resist it.

And to be fair, like you say, I think

there are some plus parts to it.

It suggests respect.

Yeah.

It's better than being called a prick.

Those are the two options.

Yeah.

Prick or uncle.

Yeah, yeah.

Fair enough.

I know what I've done.

Uncle Prick.

You've been called Uncle Prick.

That's the sequel to Uncle Buck.

Have you got nieces or nephews?

Yeah, I've got nephews.

They call me Uncle James.

They call you Uncle James.

They call me every time they talk to me.

Every sentence has Uncle James in it.

It's not, they don't, once they've seen me, for the rest of the day, every sentence starts with Uncle James.

They can't just talk to it because they're not at that age yet where they can just go, how are you?

What are you up to?

They have to go, Uncle James, and then go into

every time.

And they're not asking me how you are.

They don't give a shit how I am.

Uncle James, can I have this?

Can I have that?

Whatever.

But like, yeah, so that'll always be the top of every.

does it make you feel good yeah love it yeah love being uncle james really enjoy it they're all brilliant as well so I like hanging out with them it would be cool if like other people who I'm not biologically their uncle was calling me uncle

you would like that I'd like it what about if the person was like 25 yeah well then then we got a problem yeah

I don't like that also you've just said on our podcast I would like it if people who I'm not related to called me uncle so now everyone who's listening to this is going to call you uncle

I won't mind that.

Will you not?

I'd like that.

If anyone comes up to me and goes, hey, Uncle, really enjoy the food podcast.

Yeah.

How does it fit as a

counterpoint to Big Sips?

As you've just said, Big Sips and Uncle.

Did you see that?

Yeah,

you heard that, didn't you?

Big Sips and Uncle.

That's great.

What a pair.

Big Sips and Uncle James.

Big Sips and Uncle James.

That's good.

Is it too late to change the name of this?

It sounds like a fresh huge.

Would you, so this is going to be cooked by an auntie, this red red?

Would you ever trust an uncle to cook red red?

Are you crazy?

I think it's also like

it's an attribute of an uncle to literally not even know where the pots are kept

in the kitchen.

The uncle is not

the consternation on the face of the uncle as you ask the question, please, can you cook me some red red?

This on that, the consternation tells you everything.

You need to know.

Is that going to be your vibe as as an uncle though no i'm trying to usher in a new generation of uncles

red red cooking uncles yeah

people sitting upright in their sofas all the rest of it this is a new generation it's 2023.

so do you have you cooked red red before i have yeah yeah i actually do love it i love it it's and i i was googling it uh earlier on to to to see what the people are saying about it and it's described as a low calorie gluten-free vegan treat oh wow you know so

yeah when when when marks and spencers Spencer's come according, I think there's a revolution to come in.

Well, it's going to be, it's just going to be like on loads of influencers, Instagrams and stuff.

You tried Red Red.

You could do it on your Insta.

I could do it on my Insta.

Anything is

Ed Ed making the Red Red.

Big Sips making Ed Ed.

Yeah.

It does make you fart a lot, though.

Does it?

Yeah, the beans.

Makes you fart a lot, so I don't know how that would go with the influencers.

Has an influencer ever farted before on Cam?

I'm sure.

You're sure?

Yeah.

that's your answer probably not on their public channel no probably got a paid for one where they do that you got to see where if you want to see the farts you got yeah yeah

sound on yeah

that's the problem no one's been watching it with the sound yeah it's actually just like a cacophony yeah

that's why they got subtitles on so no one hits sound and then you hit the little thing and it's like

just constantly yeah constant farting sorry i've just had red red before we move on to the side dish ever call anyone cousin like in the bear?

I love the bear.

Cous, maybe?

Not cousin.

Not cousin, like.

Cousin, I mean, like, cousin, like, yeah, there is, like, such, um,

I don't know, there's something about an Italian-American saying cousin that has got weight to it.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

It's not like, it's not said by, it's not said by accident.

It's not said without intention.

Cousin.

Yeah, I love it.

I mean, Nishkuma tried to get that going between us.

Cousin.

Yeah, he called me

for a while.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Called me cousin cousin for a while, but I wasn't sure, I wasn't sure about it.

We also tried to get people to refer to him as the bear as well, yeah, he was really into it, yeah.

Ridiculous.

I don't know why he thought he could be referred to as the bear.

No, he just was sure that he watched that show, and of all the characters in it, he saw himself as Kami.

I mean, I mean, come on,

that is that is in your dreams.

Delusion to make a mess.

You are fat if you're lucky, Nish.

your dream side dish so this is where the the meal becomes a bit incongruous my dream side dish is patatas bravas

but from a very specific place right there's a place called Bar Tomas in Barcelona have you been there no no no it's a it's a real kind of like locally joint and they make these patatas bravas um just no tomato sauce which which I think actually elevates it.

It's fried in this like chilli, like garlicky oil.

And

it, you know, like those French fries that you get that are like so, so, so crunchy on the outside and so soft and fluffy on the inside.

It manages to do that.

Right?

It costs like three euros or something.

You can get it with like one of those tiny like...

little beers you know there's it's not even half pint i think it's like the little like stubby little stubby bottle yeah yeah yeah yeah but it comes it comes in like a cute little glass yeah delicious and yeah if you want you can also have like a little chicken breast or a little sausage but that's now becoming a meal isn't it other than the side dish well i don't know can i have the beer tapas though well i yeah i love the idea of adding a little beer it feels like it should come with that it should come if every time you've had it you've had the little i've always had the little beer so like

you can't tear them apart so yeah yeah definitely have a little bit you know a little sausage in

yeah yeah you can throw a little sausage in throw a little sausage in i think that sounds nice yeah i mean definitely potatoes brothers i don't like the tomato sauce in it so this is great get rid of it right yeah it's great that that that's not going to be in there yeah the tomato sauce is actually giving lloyd grossman i feel yeah i feel it feel it feels like someone putting pasta sauce on top of your unsoppy brothers

yeah i know what you mean maybe maybe grossman sort of reached his spindly fingers across do you think he's gone international he's gone international.

And he's infiltrated Spain.

Ed's quite good with voices.

Can you do like Lloyd Grossman saying Patadas Bravas?

Potatoes Bravas.

That's very good.

I used to do Lloyd Grossman all the time.

I used to watch MasterChef when I was a kid and then do impressions of Lloyd Grossman afterwards.

But I'd be like having a cheese.

With my mum, me and my mum used to do it.

But I'd be like making dinner.

like do it but doing an impression of loyal grossman like it was on master chef

i've prepared a cheese sandwich

and your mum would be cracking up.

Yeah, she loved that.

Yeah.

Love it.

Yeah, of course you do.

I mean, as an actor, were you growing up doing characters around the house?

Not really.

I didn't really start acting until very late.

And also, I sometimes...

Yeah, I didn't start acting till very late.

So it wasn't really something...

What I used to love Stars in Your Eyes.

Do you remember that one?

Yeah.

Like the...

Wait, it was famous people, right?

They did a celebrity.

there's a celebrity version but yeah yeah so that was the i used to love watching that and like trying to do the impressions of like

who sings lady in red chris berg chris deberg

lady in red

lady in red

i literally couldn't tell you what christopher what the original of that song was like but i could tell you what the stars in your eyes the guy doing the impression of him

was like big banger i wasn't chris deberg's a very funny go-to when you imagine.

I think he won, actually, didn't he?

Because I've seen that clip recently of the guy doing Lady in Red.

Yeah.

Lady in Red Red.

When I was a teenager, because I was really into, I still am really into music.

And one of my mum's friends,

one of my aunties,

she, I remember she came around once and she wasn't really a music fan, but she loved Krista Berg.

She's like, your mum was telling me you really love music.

So I thought I'd lend you this to watch it was like a video of the making of like one of the later Krista Berg albums and I'd sat down to watch it because she'd given it to me I was sitting there going pretty sure this album is

and it's a really long documentary about

you like music you like music so I thought I'd lend you this so she's just obsessed with Krista Berg so like it was just a like a bad Christopher album and how it was made but being made like it was a classic yeah being presented like it was a classic

in the documentary yeah but um but i guess if you're filming a documentary you're sort of just hoping the album's going to be a classic right and you do have to film it as if it is yeah you have to film it like it is and like is it too late if you make a classic and you've not made a documentary yeah then you're like oh we should have filmed that yeah so you think you think that those documentary makers think that they're right to witness like get back oh they're hope they're hoping for that so i guess chris probably was as well yeah yeah yeah every time you were really hoping has he got any other tunes no i have no idea and you've watched the documentary

i haven't heard a single song on the documentary i couldn't tell you what the album's called it was so boring and every song was so bad if you had to go on stars in their eyes who would you do

oh you want something with a good outfit don't you yeah you want something that's gonna happen with a recognizable outfit as well so you get that initial round of applause right and the applause really should go to the costume but I

think

you stopping the can we just stop the song just want everyone to know that applause was for the costume makers.

Right?

Yeah, really, really ethical.

Yeah.

A contestant on Stars in Their Eyes.

Yeah, like you're doing an Oscar speech before you've said the song.

Maybe someone like Thundercat.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He's got like a real kind of like cosmic space age.

I feel like the costume is good.

I'd love to hear the Stars in Their Eyes audience trying to wrap their head around that.

You start singing, they're like, I guess we clap, but I've got absolutely no idea who he's trying to be.

Because it's the same audience from like the ITV.

Oh, my head is

an ITV audience.

It's the ITV Saturday tea time.

Good luck.

I love that.

Comes out to complete silence.

This isn't the Thundercats I remember.

You'd have to learn a play bass for that as well, surely.

You got to mine.

He's left-handed as well, right?

Is he left-handed?

I think he plays it in reverse.

Right.

So you've got to learn at least to mine that.

Well, I'd watch that.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

It'd be great.

What would you do?

Great question.

I would.

Would you go with with someone you look like or someone whose music you wanted to do?

Well, I guess I would not go.

Yeah, I wouldn't go with someone who's music that I like and that I want to do because I think that would feel too because I know what my personality is like.

I would get too invested in it.

I want it to go really well.

It would only end up disappointing me.

And I know I'd take it really personally.

It'd ruin that artist for me forever.

So I would have to do someone that I think I look like or something that's just like a laugh.

Tell you who I get a lot of messages about you looking like.

Well, Jarvis Cocker?

No.

I get that a lot.

Young uh Dave Mustaine from Megadeth yeah yeah yeah Dave Mustaine or Noddy Holder yeah get that a lot noddy holder noddy holder

when I was on a Christmas episode of Would I Lie to You Noddy Holder was on it

and it didn't make the edit but

one of the one of my cards that I'd it was a lie and it was that I'd uh I'd done a noddy holder impression at school on stage and I had to like riff that on the spot of like and then they were like what song did you sing and I was like

the Christmas one the Christmas one, yeah, really bad.

I was like, I was so bad at lying, like, I go on there and just tell the truth every time.

I had to do a lie.

I was like, The Christmas one.

They went, Sing it for us now.

How's it going?

And I was like, Oh, I don't know.

And they were like, and very quickly moved us on.

Move on to the next round.

Not only is he ruined this, but he's offending one of the other guests by being like, I don't know, your bad catalogue.

I can't remember any of it.

But they were like, Well, we thought you looked like him, and it would be funny.

I've just googled Googled him.

MBA.

Yeah, yeah, MBA, not bad.

That's what he looks like now.

That's me.

That's you.

That's me in the future.

That's your future.

Yeah.

Ever needs a screwdriver?

Yeah.

So you didn't, you do noddy hold, did you think?

Yeah, I do noddy hold.

I do the Christmas one.

Yeah.

And

I mean, then I'd really shout out the wardrobe because, like, Slade used to have some pretty meme threads.

Yeah, that's good.

I'd be like,

this goes out to the wardrobe department.

Yeah.

And I'd sing, wish it could be Christmas every day or whatever, but their one was.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Yeah, it's that one.

Yeah, it's Christmas.

Yeah, It's Christmas.

Yeah, when he shouts, it's Christmas like that.

Every time in that song that shouts It's Christmas, I don't think about Noddy Holder shouting it, I think about the office Christmas special when the guy who works at the office, I think his name is Oliver, shouts it when everyone's dancing because it's so well observed that there's always one person who doesn't noddy holder scream.

So now every time I hear that song, I just think about that guy from the office.

I don't think about Slade anymore.

I do, yeah, crazy frog.

So you're going for someone you look like

recognizable outfit yeah yeah bang in tune are you like are you wearing a a frog head prosthetic or have you just got face paint i think face paint would be the best option

yeah i don't think you'd look enough like a frog head well i'd wear like a frog body and then just face paint because people still need to see it's me right otherwise you get anyone to do it yeah must singer oh you still gotta sing it haven't you that's mars singer exactly that's mass singer yeah i mean could you do mass singer's the crazy frog or would that be trademarked

be trademarked.

Probably can't do it.

Especially if you did every song just going beabidly, beeply, beep, beep.

Who is the person who's a millionaire for being the crazy frog?

Well, the big remix was Axel F, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was a Beverly Hills cop.

Yes.

But there's, there's, I mean, if you go on Spotify, there's so many different crazy frog songs.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Albums.

Albums, like, and they're all like...

big covers of pop tunes with crazy frog doing them how do you know that well because when i'm on tour my favorite thing to do to Paul, my tour manager, is when we go to one of the drive-through Starbucks or something, is as soon as we pull up at the little speaker and the lady says, what would you like?

I put on Crazy Frog really loudly because he gets the giggles and gets really embarrassed.

And he's going, sorry, that's not me.

I didn't put Crazy Frog on.

The comedy never stops.

So then I sort of started getting back into Crazy Frog.

You can see the spark.

Yeah, so I think they'll do crazy frog and stars in their eyes.

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your dream drink

okay so i'm gonna say

this is just the drink to have with the meal right this isn't it's not like desert island disc what we're talking about um it's like the last drink you've ever had it is a bit like desert island disc but we try not to draw attention to that yeah yeah, yeah.

I didn't say it.

Then we can make out like all the other podcasts ripping us off.

Actually, we would have Desert Island Disc.

I would go for a scropino from Forts of Wine in Pickham.

Have you been there?

We have been there.

We've been there.

We have been there.

We have been to Forts of Wine.

We had a nice time there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We had a nice little drink on the rooftop.

Yes.

Yeah, so

it's amazing, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's opposite Frank's, I think, like that view of London.

But yeah, so a scropino is basically,

I mean, it's basically a lemon sorbet

with um vodka and champagne yeah

this sounds this sounds incredible oh lord um but like I really really really would recommend drinking in moderation because it is basic it is a lemon sorbet yeah and you can you can drink a lot of those yeah yeah yeah and that can go wrong in this in this particular instance and yeah it has done you've basically picked a grown-up ice cream factory here right

yeah and it had exactly the same result

you put on a rooftop which is a terrible idea no it's awful yeah i i i did to be fair i do remember going there at like for one of those like

sundown kind of like meals so it's like five o'clock yeah

and you're getting on the scrapinos

The night out after that, you're not going home at two o'clock in the morning.

You're getting put in a cab at like 8.30.

Trust me.

Because you're like, wow, it's so delicious.

It's so refreshing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, it looks kind of,

you feel like luxurious and yeah, it just looks sophisticated.

What doesn't look sophisticated is dry heaving in the Uber.

Like, whilst people are coming back from, like, Russia.

Like, buzzing with sugar and booze.

People going out for dinner and you're just on the pavement.

But it is absolutely delicious.

Yeah, I need to try that.

I think we've talked briefly about scrapinos before.

Have we?

With Paul Fieg, I believe.

He mentioned scrapinos.

Cocktail king but uh i'm surprised you've not had a scrapino yet well i'm thinking now because they have i had something like i mean it obviously does sound delicious and i'm thinking if i've had any like boozy sorbet kind of drinks but like yeah i i'd i'd order that

have you got any feelings about like frozen cocktails oh i love them absolutely

absolutely we'll go for those immediately over if it's on the menu it's a frozen cocktail i'll go for that over the rest of them any day like immediately that one that we had at um was it speedboat bar

yes

yeah that that like one was like the jelly beer thing holy moly it was

frozen like beer but it also had like another like a spirit in it oh yes it's called like a larger eternal drinking it all like like i i i spaced them out with other drinks between just to be like smart but otherwise i would have i would have carried on having those just like non-stop because they were the most delicious they were so delicious any frozen cocktail i'm gonna have that ahead of another one are you drinking it with a straw are you i'm doing big golfing are you big golf you're beating big golfs yeah i drink pretty fast as well um regardless of what the drink you know if it's a soft drink or boozy because i just i always i remember as a kid just like you know really quickly drinking squash all the time like someone's gonna take it off of me so like Yeah, I'm still like that now with, especially cocktails when they're sweet and nice.

Yeah.

They're just fucking gone.

And then after the first one, I'm like, okay, we're in trouble here.

Here we go.

That tasted really nice.

You drank it in two seconds.

And

you're here all evening.

And you know what's going to happen if you don't get ahead of this.

Yeah.

But when they're that nice, it's very difficult.

Is it still a drink if you've got a use a spoon?

Interesting.

That's interesting.

Are you using the spoon all the way through or just at the end?

Yeah, no, from the beginning.

Yeah.

And assuming it's not melting,

if it then has melted into a liquid and you're still using the spoon, then there's probably a lot of...

I would say it's not a drink anymore.

Really?

Is it no dessert?

It's a dessert or just a little snack, really.

But then you can drink it.

So like, if I was drinking the frozen cocktail and I'm just like

sipping it out the glass, it's a drink.

But if I stop and have it with a spoon, I think it's not a drink anymore.

Even though it's the same thing.

But if you gave me like a Coca-Cola, not frozen, and I had that with a spoon, I think it's still a drink.

Yeah, but also you look insane.

Oh, no one's saying I'd look

like normal.

That's a soup.

Yeah, I'd look loco, my cocoa.

But like, it would definitely still be a drink.

Whereas if it's a frozen thing and I'm having it with a spoon, I think I've made it a food now.

But it's what, and it's one of those long spoons, right?

Hopefully.

Yeah, we've got any luck.

Or a teaspoon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tiny little teaspoons.

Those long Sunday spoons.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

I've got to have a scrapina.

We've got to go back to Fort Tawan.

You know what?

I think they might have discontinued them.

Should we use this as a shout out for bring it back?

Bring it back.

Bring it back.

Although it feels like they'd be quite easy to make at home as well, right?

Can you make lemon sorbet?

You can buy lemon sorbet.

That's true.

You can make it as well.

You can buy lemon sorbet.

Yeah, you can make it a long coast.

Yeah, you can get

a long spoon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wilco's.

Just put it in a blender.

Can you get a long?

Can you get Wilco's, did you say?

Yeah.

Is that what you can get long spoons from?

Yeah, you can get anything from Wilco's.

That's true.

I've never seen a long spoon on the channel

for sale before.

I've I've only ever seen it in a restaurant.

I've never seen it.

You've never seen a long spoon for sale.

No.

What are you talking about?

This is true.

This is the truth.

This is my life.

Never seen a long spoon.

Never seen the long spoon for sale.

So you're saying you've only seen standard spoons for sale?

Yeah, the kind of classic spoons.

Yeah.

I'd say long spoon is a classic spoon.

No.

It would be in the first

five spoons that I mentioned.

I didn't see a long spoon until I was

12.

I think I was 12 the first time I saw a long spoon.

The red line and Wellab came out with the Sundays.

Yeah.

We had a whole chat about it as a family.

As a family, so no one else in the family had seen a long spoon.

So how old was your dad the first time you saw a long spoon?

Old enough to be blindsided by it.

We didn't know we were going to get these long spoons.

We were all like,

crazy.

I guess it's so you can get the sauce at the bottom.

Yeah, obviously.

What a thick family.

And then we're all really happy about it.

All of you like, oh, I just know you get the sauce out at the bottom.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're like, this is good, because otherwise we've got Sundays.

Normally, we just eat it all the way down.

But now we can get right to the bottom in the first scoop.

Yeah, your dad go normally I just eat it with my hands and then smash the glass so I can get to the sauce at the bottom.

Yes, normally he's got to we smash it and then we drink like the bottom of an ice cream coat.

Yeah.

Smash it off and then sack it at the bottom.

But yeah, no, you know, definitely I think I was about 12.

Dessert spoon, soup spoon, wooden spoon.

I mean, yeah, long spoon would be fourth.

Teaspoon.

Teaspoon, long, long Sunday.

Serving spoon?

Serving spoon.

Yeah, not the big ones.

Big daddy ones.

Yeah, that's true.

Maybe sixth.

It'd be the sixth spoon, I think of.

Well, a serving spoon is kind of a long spoon, isn't it?

Yeah, but you're not.

Wait, are you talking about a serving spoon as in like a ladle?

No, no.

It's just like a slightly bigger dessert spoon, basically, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It'd be more like just like in the bowl of whatever is going on.

If you're having a Sunday roast, it'd be like in the bowl of the veg or whatever.

The mash.

Yeah.

Gravy spoon.

Yeah.

You know, and you get that and put it on your plate and then put it back in there.

You're not eating.

That's not touching your mouth.

Sure.

Yeah.

I bet you've used one.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

On a five wheat of these day, then I'm using the big spoon.

Five wheatabix.

Sometimes if I didn't really eat the night before and I'm really hungry, five wheatabix.

And these days, the toppings are pecans, sour cherries, and goji berries.

Bam.

Milk.

Delicious.

Hold on, hold on.

Before it was like bananas and raisins.

Yeah.

Now you've taken the sour cherries from the weird like...

Well, this is how we got onto the Whitabix in the first place.

Goji berries.

goji berries on there i'm really into goji berries now but only on the bix why are you into goji berries just thought i'd chance it one day i thought i've never eaten these before only person i've ever known who eats them is gina yashire and she she ate them once when i was interviewing her for a different podcast and she ate them all the way through into the mic and uh

and i was like

she's you know gina seemed to be loving those yeah so i'm gonna try them All right, Wheatabix, is it warm milk or cold milk?

Cold.

I'm not going anywhere near Wheatabix.

Oh, not at all.

No way.

Damn.

No, because, like, like i want to enjoy my life

come on and wheatabix is like the sort of thing you'd get like at a youth camp or prison or something wrong bring fuel five is too many but yeah five is insane i'm brainy as hell because of that you're not me brainy i figured out what the dessert spoon was for that one

family but i had to get my favorite

no i'm not i'm not a wheatbix fan for quite i find i find the taste too boring and i know that's why you put stuff on top of it but i just think why not cut out the middle man and just not have any of it yeah it is I mean it's it is like a wartime breakfast, right?

Yeah, well, you know

in Ketman, it's always wartime

especially at the Blitz Cafe.

Yeah, no, it was a Blitz Cafe

Blitz themed cafe.

It's got um the ceiling is painted so it looks like there's a hole in it.

What are they serving?

They serve like you can get the Churchill, which is a like a high tea kind of thing.

A lot of corned beef sandwiches and stuff like that.

But they're flying off the shelves.

Yeah, I mean a lot of people love it.

we voted for brexit

vanita's got a question for me which is why am i eating five wheat a bit but using a massive spoon

because there are times of them yeah a time it's a big bowl so i'll go use a big spoon but your mouth's the same size

yeah but i can still get my mouth around that spoon it's great you get a big thing right in there i'm so hungry

i've never questioned it really is the equivalent of the big sip yeah yeah but with we

we're big, yeah,

it is, yeah, big, big, the big crunch, but I don't know like I'm too crunchy, it's interesting crunch because it's crunchy because the milk's cold, though, right?

Because I have it with warm milk, right, and it becomes like a

like it's kind of like someone's already chosen it for you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and you like that, right?

Love it, yeah,

absolutely, love it,

your dream dessert

dream dessert.

Okay, so it's actually like a combination dessert.

It is a freshly made Percy Ingalls sugaring doughnut.

So

Percy Ingalls is like

old school baker, East London, this one in Broadway Market, used to be one of the Malthamstow.

Very unpretentious.

The people who work behind the till dress like dinner ladies, generally.

What you see is what you get, but perfect.

So one sugar ring donut.

I don't want any toppings on the donut, I don't want anything inside the donut.

Also, jam on that list earlier on.

Oh, really?

Jam.

And anything, and anything in that world.

What do you call that?

Preserves preserves, marmalade, jam.

Would you put marmalite in that?

You wouldn't put it in the preserves, but I guess breakfast breads.

Yeah, maybe in the same presentation.

Yeah, and we've already been through mango chutneys.

Yeah, yeah, you seem to be right with that.

Jars of mango chutneys.

Anyway, so it's a sugar ring donut from Percy ingalls on a bed of biscock rock ice cream from a place called romeo and julieta this one's don't even turn this one in layton biscock rock is a kind of like hazelnut chocolate vanilla biscoff mega mix with biscuit bits in it wow the texture have you ever done this combination before no so there's a two this is a real like dream restaurant yeah yeah but you know that would work together right

how's that

word per cent yeah you know so like the

ice cream would start melting a little bit from the warmth of the freshly made donut.

But you've got like, yeah, you've got the crunch of like the biscuity ice cream going with like the absolute smooth softness of that freshly made donut.

Are you joking?

It's perfect.

Yeah.

Sounds very good.

Yeah.

I want to hear more about Romeo and Julieta.

Romeo and Julieta.

A gelateria.

Both of them in like quite surprising locations, I would say.

They're not surrounded by...

I mean, what would you expect to see in a gelateria?

Maybe like

a

beautiful beach

or, you know.

A sort of piazza.

The sun.

Yeah.

One of them is really on a high road.

Yeah.

Like really on one of those high roads that's got like next door is like a carpet factory or something like that.

Right.

But

I think that adds to the charm of it.

And the...

the ice cream is like, I would say the best in London, supposing.

Wow.

I've not even been to this place.

I've not even heard of it.

I've heard of it.

Ice cream's my favourite thing.

The thing about Romeo and Juliet, obviously

they've got a wide range of different flavours.

Lots of them have got like fruit, fruit and ice cream.

Again,

but you'd love it.

I think they've got a cherry one.

I'd love a cherry ice cream.

Strong cheesecake.

Great.

Do you like that?

Yeah, yeah.

It's got little biscuit bits in it as well.

Black Forest.

Yeah.

Delicious.

I mean, but you know, when it comes to ice cream, there's very few flavours that I'm turning down, to be honest.

Mint.

Yeah, I love mint ice cream.

cream do you know what i like mint ice cream

um pistachio

yeah but i i it's not my go-to i'm not going for that ed probably prefers that i like pistachio more than i do yeah but it wouldn't be my go-to in a in a gelateria when you're like when there's gelato and then there's like i guess sorbet are you going for one or the other or both sometimes i'd go for both if they've got like a dark chocolate sorbet damn I'd get that with like a that's basically ice cream which is basically ice cream but then that's nice to have with the, but yeah, otherwise,

sorbets, I love, yeah, I love the citrusy ones, but I'm having them on their own, I'm not having them with the yeah, or maybe a coconut sorbet with a with an ice cream.

It's all a bit too much like fruit and dessert to me.

Yeah, sorbet-wise, I'm not touching sorbet unless it's unless it's annihilated in a blender with loads of vodka in it.

That's that's what's getting me on board with sorbet for sure in a long spoon.

Uh, Onovija, maybe you're back to you now, see how you feel about it.

Wow, you want still water, you want warm bread with a herbie-salted butter, Starter, taco El Pastor from Mexico City Street Vendor.

Main course, red red cooked by any auntie.

Side dish, potatoes bravas and a little beer and a little sausage from Bartamas in Barcelona.

Drink, scrappino from Forza Wine.

Dessert, freshly made, Percy Ingalls sugar ring donut on a bed of Biscock Rock ice cream from Romeo and Juliet.

Can that be improved?

I mean,

that is a foodies menu.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

That's 100% a foodies foodie's menu.

Do you think so?

Yeah.

I'd eat all of that.

Because I didn't know what to expect when you were talking about being fussy, but that doesn't read to me like a fussy person's menu.

But it is also a bit of a child's menu, right?

Well, the dessert, definitely.

Yeah.

Because you've got excited and put a doughnut on top of some ice cream.

That definitely is that.

I think that's scrappino.

Yeah, taco scrappino.

I love it.

Yeah.

Like, there's very few, you know.

It's nice when you get a menu where you go, I'd eat every single thing on that menu.

Yeah, I'll be quite excited to try all of that.

Yeah.

Oh, oh i think that's a proper foodie thing thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant

for interpreting me thank you

well there we are james great menu from papa though such a good menu i'd like to try all of that right now please yes yum yum yum yum yum and also no sachets of pepper no sachets of pepper anywhere near that i mean you know

were we gonna ever be in a world where that came up yeah Well, we'd have to really pin him down going, this red, red, where's the pepper coming from?

And then he might have smelled a rat there.

Yeah, and even then,

it seems like a home-cooked thing.

Yeah, you're not putting sachets of auntie doesn't have a big bag of sachets of peppers.

There's no way.

No, no way at all.

So very happy we didn't have to kick him out.

Yes.

Which means we can also say, go and watch the Lazarus project.

Yes, go and watch the series two, but then, yeah, watch series one.

Watch series one.

It's a sky original.

Series two is coming soon to Skymax.

Get it done.

And

watch all the papers.

The entire filmography.

TVography.

Yeah, I mean...

TVography?

I think filmography, it comes under.

Does it?

Certainly does on Wikipedia.

There'll be two separate sections for film and TV, but it's all under the filmography drop-down box.

So thank you very much for coming in.

Absolutely lovely menu.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you again sometime soon.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.