Ep 196: Toheeb Jimoh

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the mint leaves of conversation, adding in the lime of humor, putting in a teaspoonful of cheeky sugar, muddling all together, pouring over the rum of food,

and topping up with the soda water of friendship.

It's the first episode of the series.

Wow.

Welcome.

A mojito.

Mojito.

The rum of food.

Yeah.

I panicked then.

I was so proud of myself for pre-planning what I was going to say.

And then I realized there's quite a lot of ingredients.

And I'd run out of things to compare them to.

So the rum of food was not my proudest moment, but we all like a mojito, don't we?

The great mojito.

The great mojito.

That's Ed Gamble.

My name is James A.

Caster.

We own a dream restaurant, and every week we invite a guest in to tell us their favorite ever start of main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Tahib Jimo.

Jimmo.

Yes, wonderful actor.

Wonderful man.

Brilliant actor.

Our listeners may mainly know him from Ten Lasso.

Yes.

I was saying to him,

I was watching the French Dispatch the other day, Wes Anderson film.

Yes.

And he pops up in that.

I was very excited to see him in that.

At the minute, of course, he's at the Amida Fiata doing Romeo and Juliet right now.

Big play.

Yeah, and he's playing Romeo.

Romeo.

Wherefore art thou Tahib?

Well, he's in the off-menu studio.

And, of course, we want him in the...

That was good, I thought.

Yep.

We want him in the...

You said that as well.

You can't say that as if you're not afraid of the magic.

I'm somebody improving, so you've got to give me a pat on the back for improving rum and food.

Yep, I'll give you a pat on the back while done.

Wherefore art thou Tahib?

In in the off-menu studio?

Yeah.

Well, hopefully, Tahib will continue to be in the off-menu studio in Juliet.

Hopefully,

hopefully, we can keep him in the studio.

Yeah, very annoyed of me today, James.

Well, I don't think I'm doing anything different.

Hopefully, Tahib will stay in the off-menu studio for a while because we aren't going to kick him out.

Kick him out if he says the secret ingredient.

No.

An ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable.

Yes.

And this week, the secret ingredient is homemade English tea biscuits in a little small pink box box like in Ted Lass like in Ted Lasser so we've we've done we've done one from uh from his work yeah as we understand uh Hannah Waddingham says they're disgusting yes Hannah Waddingham does say they're disgusting I think they improved across the seasons but yeah disgusting apparently so so we know they taste gross disgusting disgusting disgusting

It was one of yours.

I've never known like a meme or a video to completely change a simple word.

Every time I hear the word disgusting now, I think disgusting.

Yeah, yeah.

It was fucking one of yours.

Man, that poor lady clearly hates her life.

Really, really, it all built to something.

She didn't know that her kids were filming.

Yeah.

I want to know how it got online.

The kids must have put it online.

They just post it.

Yeah.

But those kids have got, I mean, I guess the kids, because in the video, they don't like finding it funny.

No.

But I guess they watched it back and went, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

So our mum was shouting about someone did a big shit.

They look so scared when it's.

Yeah, they're like, oh no.

And you can't tell which one of them it was.

No, no.

That's what's great about it.

You're like, maybe it wasn't fucking one of us.

It might not have been.

It might have been.

That lady did a big shit.

You forgot about it.

That was fucking worried.

Then she went back later.

We should get her on the podcast.

Try and get the mum on this podcast.

I say we do a special episode with people from memes that we like.

Yeah.

So we get Disgusting Mum.

Yeah, disgusting.

We get What a Sad Little Life, Jane.

Yeah, yeah, that guy.

We should definitely get him on.

Come dine with me.

Yeah.

Yeah, obviously.

And we can get Asim back with that because he's obsessed with him.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

And I'm a meme.

You're a meme.

So, obviously.

So you're on it.

Yeah.

I'm on it.

Yeah.

That's good.

Oh, God.

Yes, I'm in it.

Well, hopefully Tahib does not say a homemade English tea biscuit in a small pink box.

Hopefully not.

Because we'd like to chat to him.

We would like to chat to him very much.

Should we do that?

Yes, this is the off-menu menu of teaching.

Tahib Jimo.

Welcome, Tahib, to the dream restaurant.

Woo!

Welcome to Heb Jimbo, to the Dream Restaurant.

I've been expecting to give us some time.

I'm glad to be here.

Thank you so much for having me.

It's dope.

It is dope.

It's the dopest restaurant in the universe.

Yeah.

Yeah, actually.

It's about time someone said it.

no one's ever called this dream restaurant dope before we're looking around say is your dream restaurant well what makes it so dope what is that

ah yes there's um what do i see it's big it's bigger than i thought um it's a big it's it's in your thoughts bigger it's growing even as we're speaking even though it's your thought

it's somehow bigger than your thought yeah that's that's it it's the surprise that's why it's so dope it's a nice big restaurant but it still feels homely yeah and warm there's art on the walls It smells like,

you know,

my kitchen at home.

Do you know what I mean?

It's like home.

It feels...

You have a nice smoke kitchen.

The food smells nice.

I mean, it's not the kitchen in particular.

Not that the kitchen didn't smell nice.

It's just like, yeah, it's just, you know, when you're walking and it's like, you're smelling nice food and you're like, I hope that's my house.

It's like...

Yeah, yeah.

It'd be mad if you got a new kitchen, you hadn't cooked in it yet and it had a smell.

Yeah, that would, yeah, that's a red flag, isn't it?

It needs to smell neutral, I think, so you can put your own smells in, right?

Sure.

Sure.

Yeah.

Rub yourself all over it.

Yeah.

Rub yourself all over it.

I get it smelling.

So yeah, it's a nice, big, homely, warm, nice-smelling restaurant.

Do you prefer a big restaurant to a small, like a small little dinky one?

I think when I said big, I just kind of felt like it felt expansive.

But I think more than anything, it should feel homely.

So I'm thinking about like the restaurants that I go to now that I really like.

And a lot of them are actually quite small.

You know what?

I've changed my mind.

This is small restaurants.

It's getting smaller and smaller.

So small.

Seats one person

yeah just me and the chef oh yeah that's it what's the optimal number of tables that you'd want in the small restaurant that's a big question to start with james i think i would love three tables three that's yeah uh i'm on one with my mates and then there's like two others that are like just couples or whatever but that's that feels like you're interrupting people's personal time doesn't it i feel like you shouldn't be able to like hear other people but you should be able to hear noise like there should be ambiance but like i shouldn't be able like yeah i don't want anyone listening to my conversation with my like people and my friends but but do you want to listen to other people's conversations i kind of do yeah

on the eavesdrops i eavesdrop a little bit um yeah yeah there's a tapos restaurant that i like in tooting that my friend dipo uh takes me to and that's really small but for the most part like just because there's loads of people talking you can't really hear anyone so actually you know what you can have a small restaurant i think three is maybe a bit too small for me i don't know maybe like

seven or eight yeah tables and and yeah a few people strewing around who's whose conversation do you want to listen into dream Dream thing, look over at the next table.

Who's on it?

Who are like, oh, I want to hear what they're talking about.

Do I go for something personal for me?

Do we steal government secrets from

how important do we make this table?

You've been to the White House, right?

Were you listening in when you were there?

I mean,

I was just terrified the entire time.

Like, there was a part of me that was like, there's probably invisible guards somewhere.

Like, just have a sniper train on the back of my head.

If I do something dodgy, I'm done.

But it was fun, actually.

It was, it was really nice.

It was, I mean, there was no conversation to listen into.

We were like part of the conversation, which was great.

Did you ever get worried when you're in the corridors?

Like, I'd be worried that if I said something rude about the White House, that there would be like microphones in the walls and stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It did feel like that.

It was one of those things where I was like, it feels a bit too chill.

Like.

I was like, I'm a bit surprised that we just, we've come in, we've gone through what looks like really regular security.

And so then that's why I was like, there's probably just some stuff we can't see yeah there's people on the roof and like that guy's job today is just keep that red dot in the back of his head um so um so yeah no it was fun though they were really they were really um accommodating and warm and we got to meet so many people i met uh kamala harris and and and joe biden and his and his wife jill um it was just it was awesome it was one of those like really weird days where like i i don't think i've even processed it now sure we were at the white house

mad little tv show and

it's just it's bizarre like i think back to day one on ted lasso and if you had told any of us that the the president of the united states would want to sit down and have a conversation with us because of our show well when ted lasso started if someone had told you that i'd imagine you'd absolutely would have hated to hear that yeah yeah yeah yeah

i mean this whole thing's kind of written as a reaction against us

deliberately

like what did we do

really scary what happens in the third season of this that donald trump wants to meet us?

I like that shag character.

That's my Donald Trump idea.

Yeah.

Donald Trump definitely spits at himself in the mirror.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

He's the original.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Okay, so maybe you'd have them on the next table.

Yeah,

it'd have to be something political.

Yeah.

Someone with some like scandalous, juicy information.

I could sell.

Or like the Area 51 people.

I'm like, I just got to know, bro.

Because at this point, I'm like,

didn't didn't they just kind of confirm that there were like UFO videos?

And then, like, they just kind of did it, and like, nobody really cared.

And I was like, wait, I think they just told us that they don't know what that was.

And I'm like, well, you have to.

Like, what, what do you mean you don't know what that stuff was?

So, um, maybe I'd be like, what's going on?

That's how much most of us just don't believe in aliens, I think.

Yeah, they said that, and we went, yeah, whatever.

Whatever, I'm gonna forget about that and move on with my life.

I don't think time for aliens.

I don't think I've got the like capacity to be.

I'm just like, there's enough.

Yeah, there's enough happening here to be like, there's...

You're a busy guy.

I'm doing a play.

It's Shakespeare.

I just, there's too much.

You got to think about the rest of the run on Romeo and Juliet.

Yeah.

And then, and then you can.

In August, I can process aliens.

But right now, I think I just need to...

Falling in love is hard enough.

Falling in love twice in a play?

Yeah, well, yeah, he starts the play and he's kind of in love with Rosalind a bit.

I think he's just in love with the idea of being in love, you know, and then like really falls in love, and then it gets dark.

I don't want to spoil it for people.

Um, who do you think?

Uh, what world leader do you think is going to invite you to their house after this play?

After Romeo and Juliet, I don't know.

Um, where's it set?

Romeo and Julia in Verona, in Italy, Italy.

There you go, Italian peasant, Italian peasant,

yeah, huh?

Italian peasant is is

this is not edited, suspenseful pause,

And I know the only name in your head is Silvio Berlusconi at the moment.

Yes.

But he's dead.

You want to guess the other name in my head?

Mario.

Mario, yeah.

I'm not in a good place at the minute.

Who is it?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm glad that he doesn't know it yet, because that makes me feel better.

But maybe the Italian Pope President will invite you to the Italian White House.

Italian White House.

Yeah, yeah.

Or the Vatican.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man.

Go in the the goddamn Vatican.

Pope.

Can you imagine the Pope is like, because of your production of Romeo Julio,

I'd like to meet with you guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think in terms of just strangeness, that could maybe be topic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I bet they've got secret invisible guards.

Probably.

Spiritual guards.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Angels.

The Holy Spirit.

Eternal damnations.

Yeah, yeah, that's all about.

It's quite dangerous.

Yeah, I don't think they need guards because they just, they tell you not to do stuff, right otherwise you go to hell yeah yeah clever yeah that's what your brain's your own guard they don't even have no security when you go in they just go remember you go to hell

you're naughty here

i went there around new year's and uh i went to look at the vatican fast i didn't want to go in and give them any money because screw them but like i saw it from outside and uh they had the worst christmas tree i've ever seen

like it was such a prophetic it was really rubbish and it really made me laugh the kept in Town Centre one's better than this.

What was on top of the Christmas tree?

Like a little pope?

Really shitty star.

Just like it was like really rubbish.

Like the fairy lights just been flung over it.

The tree looked like it was pretty much dead.

But it's a massive tree, but really, really scraggly, awful tree right in front of the Vatican.

Really made me laugh.

Took a photo of it while laughing.

Everyone else was really sad because the old Pope was about to die.

He died the next day.

But, you know, it was

I was having a laugh at the tree yeah yeah but i guess that's the ultimate like christmas is about jesus not about trees and stuff right so they thought that's like the point they were making do you maybe i mean i mean maybe that's just the kind of trees they like i mean i'm not a big christmas i'm not a tree person like muslim family so christmas was never a big deal for us so i'm like listen i i don't know what the tree's supposed to look like

yeah

disney channel shows um

I'm really sorry that happened to you.

I'm sorry you had that experience.

No, it's funny.

I thought it was really fun.

I didn't want to go to the the battle but i was like i guess we've got to go because we're here in rome so we should go yeah and then we went i was like i'm really glad that tree is shit because that's funny

good now you're telling us just before we started recording to heep that you you were really spending a lot of time working out what your menu was going to be that you were struggling yeah yeah so obviously you're you're you're like a foodie you care about food you're into it yeah like i i i enjoy food it's like yeah food is one of my my comfort things i wouldn't say i'm a foodie i'm not i'm not a big cooker like i'm also a, you know, I'm a creature of habit.

Like if I find something that I like, I'm going for that.

Like I'm not the type to be like, oh, let me try everything on a menu.

I'm going to the place that I like.

I'm ordering the food that was good that one time and I'm good.

I'm happy here.

I mean, so yeah, but I'm trying to think, do I go for stuff that I like now?

Am I going for childhood stuff?

Like, you know what I mean?

What is my dream meal?

And a lot of this stuff doesn't fit together.

Like, I wouldn't sit down and have all of these things in one.

But yeah, there's a, there's a few things that are fighting themselves out on my, on my menu.

And we'll see, we'll see what comes.

We'll see what wins.

Yeah.

Well, let's start with still all sparkling water, as we always say.

Still, still water to the death, man.

Sparkling water is one of the worst things on the planet.

I can't explain to you how much I dislike it.

Like, it's, it's so, it's, and I understand it's a bit irrational to like not like sparkling water this much, but I just don't, I don't get the appeal of it.

Like, it's just, I saw a thing on Twitter once when I was like really young and they were like, sparkling water tastes like TV static.

And I've never, ever, ever been able to get that out of my head.

It's, it's just the feeling of it is nuts um I think people that like it are nuts um yeah so so still water still water to them yeah yeah I like a passionate answer yes and I just and I just I'm like there's a part of me that feels like if you like I'm like you're pretending to like that bro like and there's no way you can tell me otherwise like it's it's not it's not good it's not good for you I'm more on your side than the we have we have people who come in sometimes who are the opposite

and don't like still water well they're just like why would you want still water

sparkling water?

Of course it's sparkling.

Why?

Is it a red flag for you?

So if you're really getting on with someone and then you find out they're like sparkling water, you're like, we're not going to be friends.

It's not a red flag.

I think I'd have the conversation and be like, what do you gain from, like,

why?

Like, do you know what I mean?

What's the appeal?

Would you call them nuts to their face?

Probably, yeah.

Probably, yeah.

Probably.

And that might be the red flag.

I think the red flag is whether or not we could survive the conversation.

Sure.

But then I'm like, if you top that up with, I think the three food things that i just have like an irrational hatred for are sparkling water if you top that up with olives

yeah hang on do you mean if you put olives into the sparkling water yeah

if that happened i'm like i go

see around my job bouncing around

but olives i don't really like and um is it uh boba boba tea the one

yeah yeah yeah that one i've never had that because it's just the look of it makes puts me off it's it's yeah i had it in i was in a layoff a friend of mine was just like oh try it and i and i was just like this is it's oppressive what was so bad about it there's just the consistency of like you're drinking certain and then now you've just got all of these like tapioca balls in your mouth and you're like am i gonna choke is it i'm like i just i don't uh it's a lot it's a lot there's so much going on in this drink there's ice and and the tea and america and you know what i mean i'm just like i don't i don't want this man so um so those are the three things that i'm kind of like nah so i guess that is quite similar boba tea is quite similar to olives in sparkling water yeah yeah maybe that's why i don't like it yeah it's like

two things you don't like the two things i hate most in food the sparkling uh olive flavoured boba tea imagine that oh projectile vomit yeah

yeah i did the boba tea thing i think anything where you need a special straw to suck to suck up all the solid bits in a drink no way yeah

really

the solid thing in the drink is already the red flag for me i'm like just give me one at a time let me just do you know what i mean i can handle this and i can handle that why are we putting it together it just it doesn't make sense if if romeo liked still water and juliet liked sparkling water do you think that that love would have bloomed absolutely not i think they'd have seen each other at that party and been like she likes sparkling water bro

and you'd be like i'm out man i'm out but surely that's the whole point of romeo and juliet they're from two different two different houses oh you're right sparkling and still you're actually and the love shouldn't work should we should we do like a romeo and juliet animation and it's like sparkling water and still water that's it we solve all the world's problems we end racism

All sorts of intolerance.

It's an analogy for everything.

Yeah, yeah.

Sparkling and still water.

Then you get invited to the White House again.

Yeah.

And they're like, thank you for that.

I can't believe you're bats.

You've had another project that's helped the world.

So angry about sparkling water people.

That's not very Ted Lasso of you.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I mean, Ted hates sparkling water in the show as well.

Yeah, he like drinks it and spits it out and can't stand it the entire time.

And I'm like, yeah.

I'd follow that man

into battle.

He doesn't like tea.

I'm not a big tea drinker either.

Right, yeah.

Like, I don't, I'm not a hot drink person.

I don't drink coffee.

I don't really.

I mean, I'll drink tea, but I'm not like passionate about it.

Yeah.

Maybe a hot chocolate.

I just like burn my tongue and then

that's it.

My day is ruined.

Would you say you're the most like Ted Lasso out of all the cast?

Oh,

am I the most like Ted Lasso?

No, I don't think so.

Who would be the most like Ted Lasso?

It's not Brett.

It's not Brett.

It's definitely not Brett.

No, Brett.

It's not Brett.

Brett's the most like

his own character.

He's the most Roy Ken.

He's the most Roy Ken, but also the most not Roy Ken.

Yeah, at the same time.

It's a very soft.

But I guess like that's Roy Ken.

Like, Roy Ken is a teddy bear and pretends not to be.

And I guess that's kind of Brett as well.

But Brett doesn't pretend not to be as much.

Yeah.

But yeah, Brett's not the most Ted Lasso-like.

Who is the most Ted Lasso?

Nick Mohammed who's been on this podcast.

He's obviously not the most Ted Lasso-like.

Yeah.

Just a lunatic.

Absolutely revolting.

Nick, they're hating on you, man.

I don't know what to say.

They're hating on you, bro.

The guy that plays Danny Rohas, Rohas, he seems pretty happy.

Yeah, he is very happy.

Also, very horrendous free choices.

Watching Christo eat is horrific.

Like, I think people who love Cristo because he's like the happiest, like, most charming boy in the world, if you watched him eat a meal, like, he'd lose a core chunk of his fanface.

I think.

Talk us through it.

It's just, I don't know, because

he's really fit and like muscly.

And like, he, he's, you know, like, I think he's like...

proteining up just to like stay stay the most attractive boy in the world but it's the it's the eggs man like he eats a lot of eggs and i think that's like that's protein right but i'm like i can't watch you eat six boiled eggs and not feel like we have six on the bounce yes and like i'm like we have to call an intervention like it's just something has to be done bro it's a lot it's not good for you yeah it's not good for your insides um

and the farts oh it's just yeah yeah it's covering up a storm it's uh it's it's it's tough does he shout farting his life

it's not that bad no um well christo does

farting his life um christo does eat a lot though

He's the person that

will get our food

and

we're making it through our first one.

And Christo's coming back with his second.

And then he's got like two more to take on with him.

I'm like, yeah, he eats a lot.

And

that's why he is strapping, attractive young man with the best head of hair I've ever seen on a human being.

Does he lose the eggs?

Do you think if you eat a lot of eggs, your hair stays thick and juicy?

Thick and juicy.

Or the farts?

The farts go into it.

Luscious.

Maybe it is that.

Maybe that's what it is.

Maybe he's just like selling us the dream of, oh, yeah, protein and jiggle, like it's good for me.

I want to stay.

But it's just that's all those nutrients are going into his hair.

Every time he farts, his hair grows.

If you look at him, really,

if you look at him every time he lets that fart, his hair just grows.

He pushes him out.

A little bit, yeah.

If he just puts it all up into his hair,

like one of those play-doh things.

This is crazy.

I mean, no funny done.

I smell a hip movie.

I think

his superpower is his hair grows and he farts.

Yeah, yeah.

I make that movie.

Pop dumps or bread.

Pop dumps or bread.

He jibali.

Pop dubs or bread.

Bread.

Yeah.

Bread.

Bread.

Yeah.

Bread.

Okay, so there's a type of bread in Nigeria called Agege bread.

And I don't, you can get it here, but it's not the same.

And I used to have this when I was in Nigeria.

And there's something about that bread.

And

I can't even explain it to you if you haven't had it.

But for the Nigerians that are listening, they're going to go, this guy he knows.

Yeah.

Agege bread.

It's just the right level of like soft like you know when you get like a good loaf of bread and like the middle is like really soft yeah it's like that but the entire way around and like you slap some butter on that and yeah heaven so it's not like a hard crust no i'm remembering it properly

no it's just

yeah it's soft as well i mean it's like a bit harder but like the the inside is the juicy bit and it just tastes it's sorcery man i don't know what's in that stuff but it's it's yeah it's amazing so that'd be the dream is to have that that would be the dream bread yeah a gage bread is like the gold standard of bread for me great yeah and with butter yes like salted butter salted butter is a luxury that i've only recently come across oh tell us about how you discovered it no no no like genuinely i don't know what it's probably in a hotel somewhere in some foreign country but i'm like oh you don't put salt in the butter i'm like yo

it's one of those moments where i was like you only just realized like how working class you've grown up and i was like they put the salt in the butter I was like yo these lot they figured it out

um so I think I was probably in I don't know where I was maybe South Africa filming something and and in this like lovely hotel and I'm like salted butter great I'll take it yeah how do you ever go back after that either I think that's yeah it's one of the things I mean I'll take regular butter but I think salted butter every now and then I'm like because I'm like can you just like make it I've never tried to just like put salt in like my butter I mean if can you do that on the rare occasion that I accidentally buy unsalted butter so I'm gutted as soon as I get it right.

I'm like, you fucking idiot.

Why have you done that again?

Yeah.

But if I spread it on, then I'll get the flaky sea salt and put some on top.

I mean, I don't know why I just didn't, I've never translated.

In my mind, I'm kind of like, this is a luxury that I'm afforded when I'm away at work.

But I guess I could just, A, buy salted butter.

Yeah.

Or just

have some salted butter did they have there?

At the White House.

Did I have butter at the White House?

I don't think I had White house do you have any food at the white house um

we didn't sit down and have a proper meal i don't think just nibbles and stuff surely there's nibbles surely the nibbles are the white yeah you got

food i don't think we sat down and ate no i think we had yeah we came in we did our thing might have been sandwiches we had sandwiches and i remember hannah asked for a banana she was like is there any fruit and and you know and they gave her a banana but like they gave her a banana on on like one of those silver platters right and there's a picture of her somewhere and somebody like this lovely person who works at the White House is like holding this silver platter and underneath is one banana.

And I was like, this is, that's the most White House shit that's happened to me.

Hannah Waddingham got to be one of the only people in the world charming enough to get away with going to the White House and asking for a banana.

She was just like, is there any like fruit?

And I don't think she expected it to be a big deal.

And then somebody comes with a

with like this almighty banana.

Do you know what I mean?

They should have come and bought that whole thing on them and then opened the closh.

It was just those shit biscuits.

She's got biscuits.

Bad luck.

More and less biscuits again.

They did give us biscuits, I think.

They did give us the biscuits.

Yeah, because the White House

catering staff made us biscuits and they put in these lovely little containers.

And I remember trying to save it.

And I was like, oh, I want to give it to my mum.

But it was ages till I went back home.

So I was like, got to eat them.

It is worth it.

And they were lovely.

Unlike the ones that Hannah has to eat, which are disgusting.

And I've tried one of them.

And it's rough.

It's rough.

Would they not fake to like, oh, we got

eaten so many of these biscuits.

Let's just like try and make them nice.

No, but I think the thing is, you know, if like, if you pack it, like, if there's like loads of sugar and stuff, she has to eat a lot of them.

And so at some point, it's like, we just can't have that.

That actually happened to us on certain season one.

The catering team that we had at the beginning, like, we just had everything.

It was like a very American, like, it's an American show.

So it's like an American where we had.

donuts and every type of Fanta imagine like every canned drink you could ever want snacks sweets pastries and it got to a point where all of like they just realized as the episodes were going on that we were all just gaining weight.

And so, um, at some point, they got switched out, and we got healthy yummies

came in, everything's really healthy, and kale juice.

And I mean, they're also like really great, and we had healthy yummies for three seasons.

And by the end of it, like, I really loved them.

But, um, there was a part of me that was like, I remember when we had donuts every day.

Yeah, I missed that.

Healthy yummies are then a massive pile of boiled eggs.

Yes,

Chris is like, I wonder who ordered the eggs.

I'm like, like, it's you, bro.

All 17 of them.

Go and stand over there.

Christo does smell great.

Yeah, he does.

Apart from him when he says his hair smells great.

Yeah.

And maybe it's the eggs.

I don't think I can get my mind off this idea that the eggs are somehow linked to Christo's.

I'm going to text him now and ask him and we'll see if he replies by the end of the episode.

You'd say

are the eggs the secret to your amazing hair?

He might be in the States.

I don't know what the time was.

And would you say fart in his life?

Ask him

if he would agree that fart is not.

So I'm going to message Christo.

What am I messaging him?

Hey bro, I was just wondering if

eating all the eggs is the secret to your amazing hair

if eating

all those eggs

is the secret to your amazing hair and then put PS farting is life PS

He's gonna know he's gonna know I haven't read this

farting

is

not farming, farting yeah not farming is life

is life

question Question mark or am I just am I leaving it fighting?

No, no, no, just this is like you believe it as well.

PS, fighting his life.

Yeah, yeah.

I want to give him a little star emoji as well.

Maybe that's nice.

I was just wondering if, you know, there's the secret to your amazing hair.

P.S.

fighting his life.

Yeah, great.

He might know that you haven't written it, but he will wonder.

I think he'll be very confused who's written it.

I'm really interested to see what he says to that.

Yeah, yeah.

That'll be good.

Even if it's, you know, that might be another episode where we get the answer to that.

Yeah.

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Let's start your menu proper now, your proper dream menu, your dream starter.

Am I allowed to talk about like what I'm considering?

Yeah, okay, so here you have honorable muncheons.

So I'm thinking calamari is a staple.

Like Italian food is some of my favorite food.

Like, so calamari is a staple.

It's definitely there.

It should be top spot.

But, and again, a lot of my choices are going to be like Nigeria-specific meals because that's just what I grew up eating.

Like, so we have plantain.

Do you guys know you guys know about plantain?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it can do this thing, yeah, where you get plantain, which is already great and it's like top tier by itself.

And you get, you you know, like chicken gizzard, which is amazing, put in like this tomato y sauce and mix it all together and like chop it up into like really small bits.

And so it's called gizard underdo or gizdudu.

That is also fucking unreal.

Yeah.

So depending on what type of meal I'm eating, those are my two starters.

Yeah.

I don't know if I can pick one between the two of them.

And I kind of assumed by the time I got here, I'd have made my mind up.

Yeah.

And I haven't.

So we can tell you that Kalamari has been chosen a few times.

It has.

that's kind of why I'm like, is it a bit basic?

Like, do you know what I mean?

Is that, you know, well, it's completely up to you.

It's your dream restaurant.

But if you, if you know, if you want to stand out from the crowd.

Oh, don't do that.

I'm an actor.

Do you want to be special?

I'm like, oh, my God, God.

Love me.

Okay, cool.

Let's talk about what

to-do?

Gizdodo.

Doddo.

Dodo.

D-O-D-O.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Gizdo.

It's completely

different.

That's what Danny Mohas eats.

I can't learn his real name.

Yeah, Christo.

Christo.

Danny Rojas.

Talk to me about that dish a bit more.

We just have heard about that.

It's just, it's just amazing.

And like, depending on who makes it, it'll be different.

My mum makes it and it's like, it's awesome.

But like, you get like a spicy tomato sauce and you get plantain and you, you, um.

cut it up into tiny little chunks and you get like chicken gizzard and you cut that up into tiny little chunks as well and you mash the two to mash the three together and you just yeah you just have this plate of gizzard underdo and it um usually goes with jalof rice or or any other type of meal but it's like there's a nigerian restaurant that um that i go to a lot called enish um and that's my my staple starter oh yeah

is gizadandado so you know what i'm actually gonna go for gizzard because and it's from there um it's not from there it's you can but would you have it from there for your dream or would you have your mum would have your mums uh-oh you

you thought you'd you got out there got a choice

i think i've already taken too long to answer it

It's just different though.

Man, like it's just different though.

I'll tell you what, because it's the same dish, we could let you have both.

Don't let him off the hook.

I think, do you know what it is?

Because I've got some home cooking coming up, I'm going to go for Gizandado from Anish.

Yeah,

I've already got some shout-outs for mum saved up.

But

if she's listening to this, she's just stopped.

Yeah,

just stop listening.

Hold up, pan thing all the gizzards in the bin.

Yeah.

Never had that again.

Yeah, mum, please, please fast forward to

43 minutes into this podcast.

She loves your fast forward.

It's just you reading a text message reply.

So

is it super spicy?

Spicy, yeah, yeah.

Not super spicy, but it's spicy enough.

Like, that's, yeah.

I think all of Nigerian food has got a little bit of a kick to it, which is like, I grew up eating spicy food, so spicy food is a

staple in my household.

Got the Jollof Rice there.

J-Rice.

Is that coming in later on?

J-Rice is in the fight, but i think i'm going i'm going elsewhere okay then we would have asked you this yeah we've had a few people come on the podcast talk about jollof rice okay and it's a big thing of nigerian versus ghanaian joeyan yeah yeah yeah now people feel very very passionate about it we've had people from both sides i don't know what you expect me to say

i'm flying the flag for nigeria man like i've had ghanaian jollof rice yeah and it's good it's good it's good it's good i can give them that it's good yeah it's good food i'd eat it yeah it's not nigerian jollof rice but it's just not it's not nigerian jay rice is different gravy man like that it's just it's built different i just yeah i feel like ghanaians are gonna say it's ghanaian jolof rice nigerians are gonna say it's nigerian jolof rice but i just feel like it's nigga it's nigerian jolof rice man like it's just it just is there's no i can't even quantify like it's not an argument that we should be having anymore at this point it's like it we it's over the battle's over yeah yeah

that's the most reasonable response to that question i think we've had so at least you're saying ghanaian jolof rice is nice fine it's good yeah it's good rather than just

absolute trash do you know what it is do you know what it is it's butter versus salted butter butter's good oh nice butter's good

yeah it's good it's not salted butter yeah yeah yeah it's not salted butter it's just got something else it's just it's just built different yeah nigerian jolof rice is just built different it just has vibes to it that you can't get in garnet and jolof rice but that being said i'm also like listen man we're one big family one big african family Jolof Rice.

I'm just glad that the debate is bringing Jolof Rice to.

It's another good idea for a new production of Romeo and Juliet.

Different.

Oh my fucking God.

This is why Romeo and Juliet still happens.

This is why we're still doing it because it's so rich.

There's so much that can be done with Romeo and Juliet.

We're going to do the sparkling water versus still water version and we're also going to do the

Jolla Frice.

Jollo Frice is Romeo and Juliet.

Yeah.

It's Romeo and Juliet, but they're different types of Jolo Frice.

Yeah,

Rice Co and Jolla Fett.

No, no.

There's something in there.

We'll workshop it, but it's not done now.

Ben, do you know what's actually really funny?

I should say for context that Ben is.

They know the Great Bonito.

They know who he is.

The Great Bonito.

So I'm starting up to the Great Bonito, and I'm doing Romeo and Juliet.

And the Great Benito's sister is the stage manager of Romeo and Juliet.

And so I've spent like the last eight weeks with her and she's an absolute dream.

But what we're doing is we're coming up with a musical,

but it's just it's about shoes.

So like it's you and Ellie.

It's a shoesical.

Me and Ellie and a couple of the other guys in the in the company It's a shoe's a call So it's like all the songs are just like shoe puns and so it's like soul to soul

or like time to heal like do you know what I mean?

Like just like and so like we're coming up with tracks for the shoesical and so yeah, like while we're talking about different versions of Romeo and Juliet like I should also just put out that the shoes are coming

Yeah, yeah, every day I'm just like out here trying to think of like different different like there's what i'll be your trainer like my baby's like do you know what i mean he's a personal trainer and she's something

There's something in it.

So the shoes are cool as coming.

I love anything where the story has to be back engineered from the pun title.

He's a personal trainer now because

of the word trainer.

Yeah, I'll take it.

So I'm so, yeah, that's what, that's what me and Ellie are working on.

Yeah, does Ellie get a lot of respect at work?

People treat her with respect.

Oh, absolutely.

She's like in charge.

Like, she just yells at us all the time.

We fall in line.

I'm only asking you that to rub it in Ben's face about how he doesn't get any respect on this podcast.

No respect.

I see.

I see.

Yeah, yeah.

I I wasn't doubting Ellie's how much respect you got.

I just wanted Ben to know.

That's a shame.

I personally wouldn't pop up with it.

Like, I wouldn't.

Yeah, he wants to, but he does.

He doesn't really.

He lets us know that he doesn't like it.

He's in charge of the editor.

All this is going.

This is all going.

Probably going to cut the shoesical just so that...

The shoes call has to make it.

I just feel like, I mean, we're trying to, I'm trying to, this is why I'm here.

I'm having a lot of fun.

This is the soft foot.

This is the shoesical, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or is there something about soft?

Soft, sock, soft shoe.

And see, this is the problem.

Now you've said that, all my brain can do is try and come up with something about shoes.

I'll take it.

I'm open to suggestions.

Well, there's that song, born slippy.

I was thinking about born slip-on.

Baby's born maybe, but wearing slip-ons.

Yeah.

A baby's born wearing slip-ons.

Yeah, you start with a pudding you work backwards.

There's like a whole thing in the hospital, and there's a whole birth scene, and then they're like, this baby's got slip-ons, and then the baby can dance in front of it.

Oh, my God.

You've got to have a tap dancing number in it at some point, obviously, for the shoes.

Yes, I mean, yeah, we do now.

Yeah, otherwise people will be like, what the?

It's a musical and about shoes.

There's no tap dancing.

You're so right.

Tap shoes.

There has to be something in there.

In love with shoe, but like in love with you, but like shoe.

I mean, you can do so many.

There's so many song titles that have you in it.

Yeah.

I will always love shoe.

That's great.

That's good.

Yeah.

Shoesical.

Coming soon.

Coming soon.

Get this man, a writer's critic.

Get this man in the writer's room.

My God, you've come a long way since the life you have in Jollof.

Jolloff.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, I was feeling a bit down about that.

So I'm

glad I'm back on board.

Your dream main course.

Okay, so this is mum's home cooking.

And it's a like, when I think back to childhood memories, I'm thinking waking up on a Saturday really late around like lunchtime and we're playing, my brother and I are playing Xbox upstairs and my mum's whipping something up.

You can smell it, smells great.

Pasta.

Regular, regular, normal old, seemingly normal pasta with this like, again, tomato stew.

Tomato stew is like big in Nigerian culture.

So like everything kind of has that base, spicy tomato stew, but it's got like loads of different types of like assorted meats chopped up into like small little diced, you know, so you can just like pick it up and like everything you're eating just has everything on it.

So like that pasta with the tomato sauce that's got a bit of like tuna in it or like a sardines in it or some something fishy in it.

And then just loads of meat on top.

That if I'm on my deathbed and someone's like, you get one more meal, that's my meal because it's transporting me back to 08, back when life was good.

No bills, no taxes, just Xbox games in the mornings and food, you know?

So yeah, that's my, that's my main meal.

jollof rice is obviously a

yeah it's going to compete and is going to fight for that top spot there's also pounded yam and effor that's another nigerian meal there's seafood linguine italian food is you know some of my favorite food in the world but i think that pasta is just it it's just it and what are the meats in there the sort of meat different types of meat now i'm gonna be real with you i don't actually know what half of them are i've just been eating it since i was a kid and so i'm like i don't know but there's

I don't, I should have actually just googled it so I can know like what parts of what I know, but a lot of it is like beef.

It's beef.

We don't eat pork.

I don't know.

It's just meat, shacky.

I don't know what shacky is, but I just eat it because it's dope.

There's yeah, like gizzard, chicken, gizzard, like little parts of gizzard in that as well.

But it's just like different types of assorted meat.

And I don't really know.

Yeah, it sort of doesn't, that's part of the magic of it as well, right?

Yeah.

It just all comes together perfectly.

Yeah.

But it's like all just good edible parts of a cow.

I assume.

Yeah.

Maybe chicken.

I assume.

I don't know.

This seems like the kind of dish that you'd want a massive bowl of as well.

Yes.

No, but that's the thing.

So when I'm imagining it, it's like a big, hearty portion of it.

Like, do you know what I mean?

Like, it's in a round bowl.

So like you can just like properly fill it up and then like eat loads, food coma, sleep for a couple of hours.

And then, do you know what I mean?

Back on Xbox.

Back on it.

Like, that's, that's my Saturday.

Like, when I'm thinking back to what's your happy place, like, when were you happy when you were a kid?

I'm like, I'm playing Gears of War 2 with my brother, running up and down, shooting aliens.

And then we run downstairs, grab a big old bowl of food, eat food, watch a football with my dad, and then run back upstairs and play video games.

That's it.

Yeah.

Happiness.

Put that shit in a bowl and sell it.

Like,

that's my dream.

So

I'm not a gamer.

I don't know much about computer games.

Oh, yeah.

What's Gears of War?

Gears of War.

Gears of War is one of the best games ever created.

Gears of War is dope because like mine and my older brother's relationship.

I've got an older brother.

He's two years older than me our relationship is pretty much entirely just like founded on our love for for video games and um like nowadays you play games and um it's like single player and you have to play online with other people back in the day it was like split screen co-op so like we're playing on the same game and it's just two of us but basically the idea is it's this post-apocalyptic world aliens have come down they're enslaving humanity and there's this like core of people called like the like gears i think like that's the name of this corporation and and um they have like soldiers and there's this guy called Marcus Phoenix who's like the biggest and the baddest soldier Marcus yeah you can tell by that um and um and then there's my character called Dom who's um like they're like best friends and um and yeah they just like go on this on this trip to try and save the world from these aliens and and you basically just run around shooting aliens for the entire time, but like you have to cooperate with each other.

And so there are some times where I'm like, all right, cool.

Mustafa is my brother's name.

You got a flank left and and I want to take this side.

And then we run around.

And then like, if you get shot too much, then you're down.

And then it's basically like all of like Fortnite and Call of Duty and all of this stuff, like the stuff that people love about it now.

All of that was in Gears of War from when we were kids.

But it was just about like these two men who were on this trip to save the world together.

And that was me and my brother in my imagination.

And it was dope.

It was Marcus Phoenix and Dom.

Dom Santiago.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I knew James was going to loop back to that because nothing makes James laugh more than someone with a full name and then someone else with just one name

It's funny.

It's funny

No, do you and your brother get get on were you getting on outside of the game or were you like having sibling rivalry outside of the game and the game was the thing that brought you together?

Yeah, it was more that it was more that like my brother my older brother is he's one of my favorite people on the planet like genuinely he probably is the person I love the most on the planet

You know, he was always there for me, but like it was just that thing where you know, he's two years older than me.

So there was nothing I could have done that was cool.

Yeah.

Like he's just, you know, he'd be going out and playing with these friends and my mom would be like, oh, take Tahib with you.

And I'd just be there tagging along, like, shit jokes.

And I'm bad at football.

Do you know what I mean?

So yeah, it was that.

It was definitely, we used to fight all the time we were kids.

But then if we had to play against Guest of War, it was a truce.

Cause he couldn't play the game without me.

Yeah, sure.

You needed, you needed both of us.

So yeah, that's how I kind of etched my way into.

his good books.

We used to do all sorts of dumb stuff.

Like he was like we,

like our mom would buy us a toy of like a power rangers megazord or something and and there'd only be one so we'd like build the toy together and then he'd play with the toy and i'd play with the box that had like the picture of the toy do you know what i mean just like dumb older brother stuff like that um but yeah that was our that was our relationship he just used to like make fun of me all the time and stuff and then it got to a point where we just like grew up and we're like ah yeah actually all right you know what i mean right well brett golse is going to be sad to hear that your brother's the person you love most in the world because i think brett's just always an exception i think loves you so much.

He's got you as his background on his phone.

Did you know that?

Oh, oh, he's the background on your phone as well.

70 million times.

70 pictures of Brett's face that's overlapped over each other.

It's one background picture.

This is my favorite.

And it's been like this for...

I've had this one for months, probably the whole year at this point.

Like, there's never a time where I look at it and I don't find it funny.

Look at the expression on his face.

It's funny.

He's just staring at you.

Yeah, it's good.

It's very serious.

It's Loy Kent face.

Yeah.

And it's a million times in a big spiral.

I just found it on Twitter, and I don't know who made it, but it's one of the funniest things.

I mean, that does mean, though, if anyone ever comes up to you and it's like, oh my God, it's you for Ted Latto, and you're not in the mood for it.

And you're like, no, no, it's no, it's someone else.

I'll then throw your phone or your phone goes on.

They're like, is that just a coincidence?

I don't think so.

I was with Brett last night.

You're still in the background of his phone.

And he was, some people were coming up to him.

We were trying to get somewhere.

But he had his sunglasses on.

I was like, that just really makes you look like you're trying to hide from people.

And they went, yeah, but if I take the sunglasses off, they can all see my fucking fucking eyebrows.

Love the Brett impression by that.

That's a good impression, is it?

Yeah.

Have you got a good Brett impression?

No, no, I don't have a good.

It's just, what's my Brett impression?

My Brett impression is a bad Roy cannot be.

It's just like growling, oh, Roy.

Yeah.

I've got problems.

That's quite good.

Yeah, like, do you know what I mean?

It's just, yeah.

That's it.

Running up and down.

Where so?

Where so?

That's it.

What sort of pasta is in this?

What, what pasta shape?

It's a, I don't know know what it's called.

What's the one where it's like, like a little straw?

Like a small pasta.

Penne.

Yes.

Penne?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's penne.

You can get bits of the sauce inside it and it's just, it's just extra goodness.

I think like massive bowls of pasta in my mirror being a kid as well.

Yeah.

Like I had no, absolutely no limit on the amount of pasta I could eat.

Yeah.

Like I still now, if I do pasta at home, I'll put in what I think it should be and then it'll come out and it's like eight portions.

Just because like from your imagination of when you're in the corner.

Yeah.

Well, also, what you're supposed, the amount you're supposed to cook a pasta is like a small handful and that's supposed to be enough pasta.

Isn't it?

But then you then you just pour free pour.

Yeah.

And then you get like, I just cook a bag of pasta.

There's always a point where like I put in

what I feel like looking at it, I'm like, that's not enough.

And then

in my head, I go, that means this probably is enough because you always do too much.

So just leave it now.

And I never trust, I always go,

no, no, just a little bit more and then you're fine.

And then it's too much again.

I'm like,

next time, when you get to that moment, have the guts to just put the bag back in the cupboard.

And I've still never been that, never been brave enough.

Never been brave enough to look in the water, feel it's not enough, and just put the bag back in the cupboard.

And when I eventually do that, I will finally be a man.

Your dream side dish.

I can't remember where I had this mac and cheese, but there was a mac and cheese that I had that had like beef ragu

like in it with truffle oil or truffle something.

And it was like truffle-y mac and cheese that's already like S tier, like it's mac and cheese.

And you got truffle oil and you got some beef ragu in there as well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm happy.

Sounds good.

I'm happy.

Because like also mac and cheese is like, that's the food comb of food.

Like if you're going to eat and you get a side of mac and cheese as well, then you're done like especially if your main dish is pasta very true yeah yeah it's for you this is you're not even gonna be able to play gears of war after i mean yeah yeah it'll be it'll be a sloppy performance yeah i'm gonna have to be carried dom santiago's gonna have to lie down in the field

down again um

yeah mac and cheese is mac and cheese is the one is the one that i'm gonna go for i think plenty of cheese in there as well because yeah

no like you can't skimp on the cheese but like i i need it you know i mean i want the cheese because also like whenever i get jamaican food mac mac and cheese is like the staple, staple side that goes with it.

So if I'm having, you know, like curry goat and rice, mac and cheese on the side.

And it's just, it just goes with everything.

Like when you get a bad mac and cheese, unless people skimp out in the cheese, it's just, that's it.

You need the pull.

You need the cheese pull.

You got to see it.

That's the sign.

You got to see it.

You got to see the, you know what I mean?

The cheese not wanting to leave the rest of the cheese.

Is that how you imagine it?

Yeah, yeah.

The cheese is like, no, my friends, my family.

And I'm like, no.

Yeah, yeah.

Separate.

You'll separate that cheese.

You'll see them again soon.

In my stomach.

Yes.

Yes, it was from Balins.

How do you know that?

This is incredible.

Bonito.

Benito, straight on the internet.

You can Google.

Yes, yes, it is from Balins.

But that was pretty amazing.

Yeah, well done, Benito.

That's your finest hour.

Don't edit that out the podcast.

Yes.

That's your finest hour.

Fantastic.

Everyone let it be known that was his finest hour.

Yeah.

Finally, you're as good as the great Elito.

I want to start calling Ellie Ellie Tona.

Is that a thing?

Like, is she going to know what I'm doing?

She'll know about the great Benito.

I'm going to call her the great Elito, and I think that'll be enough.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

She'll get it.

Definitely.

And if she doesn't, she'll be like, why do you keep wanting me that?

And then on the final day, I'll be like, it's because of Ben.

Because of Ben.

Because of your brother's Benito.

It's from Balance.

This is good.

Balance, yeah.

We've spent many an evening in balance.

Never ends well.

No?

Well.

Why?

Because it's open so late.

I think it is.

No, I think balance is what saves us from having an evening that does that doesn't end

i think often we've been somewhere and then we've stayed up drinking together and uh there'll be a group of us yeah often yeah if you're at a soho theater or something you've seen a show and then you're just drinking in the soho theater and then it closes and you're like let's go to balance and actually i think that saves the night because because then you eat some food you eat some food yeah uh and then the hangover's not as bad the next day yeah And you eat a massive meal at like two in the morning.

I didn't know they were open that late.

They've got like full-on kitchen still running and everything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Big meal.

Great.

Good to know.

I mean, because now I'm like, I want to go to bat because that's, that is where I had it.

It's like, it's exactly, yeah.

Thank you.

Nish Kumar and I went to Banan's on the day of the Brexit referendum results.

To celebrate?

Yeah.

We're like, yeah, we won.

We won.

It clearly felt great.

It felt like Nish always compares it to being like in the pub in Sean of the Dead during the zombie event, like, like, yeah, because we were there, and it just felt like everyone in there had voted to remain and was like, let's just stay in balance forever.

Just felt like a little bit of a you know, the world's ended, let's all stay in here.

Yeah, the mac and cheese is incredible.

I'm gonna get it.

I'm so happy, I'm so happy.

I know that I'm going back.

It's like this podcast just become like an advert for balance.

Yeah, well, look, they'll love it.

They'll probably invite, they'll probably invite you down for a mac and cheese.

Yeah, it'd be better than when you're invited to the White House.

You've got biscuits, yeah, yeah, mac and cheese

Ask for a banana there.

Give you whatever you want.

The White House was great.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

no one thinks you're slagging off the White House.

Yeah, I mean, it's just, it's just incredible.

Like, I think about it sometimes, I just, I don't know how,

don't know how we ended up there.

Like, those are the two things that I think Ted Lasso has done for me.

Other than, you know, like raising my profound, giving me a career and a launching pad and all of that stuff.

The fact that we ended up at the White House and the fact that we are in FIFA somehow.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's the stupidest.

I'm like,

I don't get that.

Like there are some people who've spent their entire lives trying to be professional footballers who aren't in FIFA and we did a TV show for three years and we're in FIFA.

We have great stats.

I think that's why I'm so that's why it's so funny is because like I am not an 89 pace, but somehow Simon Bissania is and he has my face.

So somehow I'm 89 pace on FIFA and I can run up and down as well.

It's coming from the characters rather than the people playing.

Absolutely.

100 million percent.

Absolutely.

But IMC Richmond are getting the artists handed to him all the time.

I don't know how you got such good stats on FIFA.

Not in season three.

In season three, we're doing well.

We get Zava, and Zava's like half of it, but then we figure it out.

We figure it out.

We have potential.

I think that's what's great as well.

It's because Sam's really young.

Well, I'm really young, but Sam's really young.

And so, by the end of it, like, if you play career mode, which I've done many a times, Sam's just cold, like, he's just really, really good.

I'm like, yeah, I'll take it.

Zava didn't make the FIFA team, did he?

He is now.

What the?

I think they added him.

He's only in it for like two episodes.

Yeah.

But it's over.

It's over.

It's weird with it.

Because obviously

we know what happens off the pitch to all your characters as well.

So sometimes, you know, it might be getting ready to play and you're like, Sam's still, his heart's broken.

Maybe I shouldn't play Sam to play Sam's heart's broken.

Leave him on the bench.

He's got a broken heart.

He needs to go and look after the restaurant.

Sam was late today.

He's cooking.

So you're in FIFA, but surely the dream is

Gears Gears of War.

Yeah.

I don't know if they're still making Gears of War.

Okay, they make Gears of War again, the Ted Lasso version.

What the fuck?

So it's you?

Ted Lasso version of a zombie alien apocalypse.

It's exactly the same, but the two characters are Ted Lasso characters.

One of them's your character.

And who's the other character?

So would you want to replace Dom?

If it's the Ted Lasso, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you're replacing Dom.

So who would be the other one?

Oh,

because you've got a load of options here for fighting aliens.

I guess you've got a character who who just wants to be kind.

You've got a very angry, violent man who is kind of past his best.

But who looks like he should be in a game like that?

Yeah.

But it's pretty cool.

Ray Kent's the first person that came to mind.

Yeah.

But there's also like Coach Beard as well.

I'm like, he knows some shit.

That episode where it's just him.

Yeah.

Wow.

He can survive that guy.

Exactly.

Maybe I need some of that.

Like, Sam's already going to like try to appeal to the better angels of the zombies and the aliens.

I don't know.

I think maybe you just need some chaos, like, to match with that.

So, I think it'd either be Roy or it'd be Coach Beard.

I think those are the two people that I'm like.

I think Coach Beard is just the X Factor.

He's a bit of a wild card.

You don't know what he's going to come up with.

Yeah, so that's the thing.

It's not the main character.

Do you really want such a wild card?

Or do you want the guy who farts eggs farts all the time at the aliens?

I would take Danny Rojas with his miraculously egg-related growing hair.

If that's the superpower, if it's like you can use it to do stuff, like attach it to like grab people

and like throw them over buildings.

So, maybe, yeah, Sam and Danny Rojas, we go on a little

killing spring.

Make it happen if you're listening.

Put it out into the world.

Gears of War team.

Gears of War.

Got an idea.

And a musical if you want to buy it.

Gears of War team.

We're going to produce the shoot.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Your dream drink.

Dream drink.

All right, this one is one where I really am, it's a dog fight because there's quite a few.

Sun Pride.

Please tell me you guys know about Sun Pride.

I know about it.

Never drank it.

Yes.

Never drank Sun Pride.

Never drank Sun Pride.

I grew up off Sun Pride.

I used to drink out of the cart and everything.

But like Sun Pride, Elite.

Phantom Fruit Twist, elite.

Yeah, Lilt, yeah, elite.

Rest in peace.

Is it done?

They're getting rid of it, aren't they?

Well, they're changing, aren't they?

Making it a Fanta flavor, so they're folding it under the Fanta umbrella.

So it's going to be called pineapple and coconut or something.

It won't be called Lilt anymore.

It won't be called Lilt anymore.

How do you feel about that?

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Sad, isn't it?

Part of it is like the nostalgia effect.

Yeah.

But I mean, I'm happy it's still around.

I'm happy they're not just like canning it completely.

Sure.

But no pun intended.

But you have no idea how much I had to hold back from not making a joke when you said canning it completely.

There,

every like I just turned into a dad.

I was like, I've got to make a joke about canning.

I'm glad you controlled yourself.

I'm going to control myself because we all know what's happened and we're all grown-ups, so I'm just going to leave it.

I didn't even think about it.

No, I thought I was too sad about Lil

RIP, Lil.

Grieving more than I've grieved that dead pope,

some pride, some pride, Lil, fantastic, fantasy fruit twist because there's also like you know, like black grape ka

which is like iconic i'm i'm being really nostalgic like i think all my best and favorite stuff is is childhood stuff you can't go wrong with an apple juice as well like because that's that's my favorite juice of all time but i think i think all of them lot are battling it out for my attention but i've got a go for do you know what i mean the the golden child which is

bottled Fanta.

So it's regular Fanta, but in a glass bottle.

Have you ever had one of those?

No.

Yeah, in Kenya.

That's the only place I've had it.

Yes.

So when I was in Nigeria, this was just what Fanta was.

And then we came over here and it's like, where's all the sugar in you lots of fanta?

Like, why is your fanta look different than the tarot fanta?

But I think also the fact that it comes in that bottle is what makes it elite.

And there's just something about, listen, pop that, pop that cap off with your, with your teeth or with a bottle opener if you care about your dental health and and back that you know i call it nigerian fanta or african fanta i don't know if it's i don't know if we probably didn't invent it but um i mean i don't know if it's the same as in kenya but like i think about that fanta all the time it's so good i think it's probably because there's like i guess over here we there's a certain amount of sugar you can have in stuff before right like is it more sugar is that what it is i i don't i don't i assume so i think that's where it is because i'm like what could it be because it's a different color like it's a different yeah i was gonna say is it more like more like day glow orange like full on i'm gonna try and get a picture of it for you because you've mentioned this fantas to me before i've mentioned it before i think about it a lot yeah yeah i i would really like it was nearly it was in contention for my dream drink when we did our menus it was what because well we were doing a drink for every course so yeah see look at the difference between yeah that color fanta and this colours looks yellow compared that that is like

strong orange yeah i mean it comes up as nigerian fanta um and i if you went if you went toilet and the colour was Nigerian Fanta, you'd be more worried than if it was UK Fanta.

Sure.

Yeah.

And we're talking number one.

Number one, yeah.

Number two, both Fanta.

It looks like Fanta.

My number two looks like Fanta.

Which continent?

Incontinent, that's the problem.

Oh, brilliant.

There he is.

Get him on tour.

Get him on tour to the musicals.

The musicals?

The musicals.

Fuck it now.

Jesus.

I'm excited about this because

like i said there is something that uh i think about a lot of i only went once i was 21.

oh yeah so it's a it's a distant memory now and something that i always think about is that drink

okay benito is showing me a screen yes it says nigerian orange fanta has a lower carbonation and uses real sugar instead of fructose corn syrup oh that it is maybe that's the real sugar that's yeah

great Because why don't they do that?

Mexican cola a lot, right?

And how Mexican cola is way better because they use like cane sugar and like properly put sugar in it.

So maybe it's like a similar thing where

it is.

Maybe it is.

But whatever it is, it's a superior product.

Yeah, it is.

And you can get it in some African restaurants here.

Bottled Fanta is, it's my number one drink.

My memory of it is that it's not just with like Fanta here.

You drink it and it's like when it hits your tongue, that flavor, that's all you're getting.

from the moment until you swallow it.

But when I was in Kenya, it felt like there was something more going on.

You hit the tongue, you get that initial flavor, but then that would evolve in your mouth.

It wasn't just that one orange flavor and that was it.

I just felt that there was more.

It was like drinking wine.

It was like drinking a fine wine.

Meaning a blog.

Let me see the blog.

I didn't write this blog, by the way, just so you know.

It's not me.

This blog says, all of you reading this will have probably had Fanta before.

However, you might not have known that Fanta has a variety of different recipes across the world.

And whilst you have probably seen an increasing amount of American soft drinks around corner shops, today we are focusing on a Fanta from Nigeria.

I'm claiming it is Nigerian Fanta.

I'm taking it.

I think it is.

I'm taking it.

Purchased in a glass bottle, which elevates any drink, is what they say straight away.

No, it tastes natural.

It more than makes up for it in depth of flavor and the level of refreshment it provides.

Yes, I agree.

Even though it tastes less natural.

it says than its uk counterpart whereas my memory is that it tastes more natural how natural does a fanta taste anyway anyway?

Like, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, sure.

And that's what

you're doing.

It's not what you want when you have fanta.

You're not like, I can't wait for a lovely

natural taste.

It's, yeah, it's number one.

It has to be number one.

It's, it's just what about a Ghanaian Fanta?

Don't do this.

Don't do this.

Don't do this.

I don't know if they even have a Fanta.

So you don't.

Does Nigeria win again?

How can their Jolof rice be better when you don't want Fantasy going?

We're supposed to drink.

You know what I mean?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Jolof rice, gizalandudu, fanta.

Maybe some coleslaw on the side as well.

Oh, we should add coleslaw somewhere inside this.

Coastlaw can't go, it can't go with my main, though.

I can't have pasta.

We can add that to the side dishes.

Yeah, just wanna.

Again, I have to say, this isn't one meat.

Like, this isn't, you know what I mean?

This is just

all made together.

Yeah, this is just hall of fame items.

But if they did all come out together, you would be happy, though.

I would be happy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, I wouldn't be happy to share it with other people.

Like, it's not going to, it's not going to work for you, but I'm vibing like i'm i actually think this would work for me you know yeah this all sounds delicious i love it i think this would be great we should go to a nigerian restaurant and like we get most of this stuff and i think i think genuinely if you guys are foodies i think you'd really enjoy yeah i'm so i'm so on board with that i'd love that inish did you say yeah yeah i used to live there like it got to a point where i was like i was just there all the time it's just good nigerian food it's small as well there's music playing it's like afro beats playing in the back and you can just sit down chill with your friends like i go there on my birthday just like grab a couple of friends just sit down and eat so um nice, yeah.

Like, when I think of like Sam's restaurant in um, in Tedlasso, there's so much of it that that comes from from like my experiences at Enish.

Like, it's got the same kind of vibe and similar food.

And so, yeah, well, bad news is you can never go there again.

No, you said it on the podcast, and now you've absolutely blown up your spot.

Very true,

your dream dessert, dream dessert, it's a cake.

Now, there are many cakes, yes, yes,

that's a fact.

Hold on to your seats.

There are many types of cake.

Victoria Sponge staple.

Does like school cake and custard

iconic?

Yeah.

Like iconic.

I used to go back for seconds and people would look at me like I was weird, but like cake and custard from school.

Absolutely.

Incredible.

I went back for seconds when I was a classroom assistant.

Previous seriously, when you were grown up.

Yeah, I was a classroom assistant for

nine months and Friday was always the chocolate cake and chocolate custard.

I'll go back and get another one.

See, chocolate custard, I never got behind.

It was never for me.

Nothing tastes like chocolate in that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

None of it.

It's definitely something else.

It's not chocolate.

Oh, yeah.

None of it tastes like chocolate.

It always tasted sweet, but I couldn't really put my finger on what it was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you had two, two helpers.

Yeah.

Go with the kids watching you.

There's like small little bowls.

Yeah.

All the kids respected before it.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

They all said that, did they?

Good on you, man.

Wow.

You're so cool.

I could tell they were thinking it.

But like the cake itself is great, but like with the custard, iconic.

But there's a carrot cake that my dad used to bring back from work.

And I think he used to get it from like a Cafe Nero or like

he does catering in a hospital.

And I think he was at a Cafe Nero or something at the time.

And he used to bring back this carrot cake from there, from work.

And it was just the most succulent thing I'd ever eaten.

Like he'd bring it back.

And it got to the point where like he'd always bring something back from work and it'd be in the fridge.

Like it'd be a chocolate or it'd be this one.

If it was the carrot cake, he'd have to bring something else else because i was always going to eat the carrot cake like it doesn't matter who he said it was for he'd be like oh no i brought this for must of today or i brought this for mum today i'm eating that carrot cake and there's nothing you can say to me about it it was just the consistency of it was perfect it was just the right amount of like soft and flavorful and like not too much frosting i'm not a big frosting guy just everything was just it'd come in this little bag like scrape little bits off the side of the bag as well like it was just it's just perfect it's perfect carrot cake has to be yeah like i say that

people go on about cakes being moist but that has to be you have because if it's not you're you're in you're in trouble king of the cakes moist is the moist is the right is that your favorite cake king of the cakes carrot cake yeah easy i mean because people look at me like i'm wet sometimes i've never revealed this king of the cakes before king of the cakes king of the cakes yeah i'm happy to hear that like this

but it's pretty much all i've never had a bad dry carrot cake because because you're putting like wet carrot in right so it's always moistening it up i made one once it's the proudest thing i've ever been to make a carrot cake.

Yeah, but using oil instead of other stuff.

And it's just like.

My friend Graham did that.

It's so moist.

I was a member.

Put oil in it.

Yeah, you use oil.

Oh my God.

I was supposed to be

working on a panel show.

I was recording a panel show the next day and I had a lot of work to do.

And instead, I made a carrot cake.

That's fine.

That's why.

I don't know if you've ever seen Ed on a panel show.

Absolutely rubbish.

No value whatsoever.

All my jokes are about carrot, how to make a carrot cake.

Never make the edit.

Do you know you can put oil in it?

Just cut away shots to him laughing at other comedians

not doing anything

but i'm happy yeah he's happy he's for the carrot cake yeah yeah oh yeah soft i love succulent carrot cake delicious it's yeah especially that and i've yeah again i don't know what happened i think my dad like went and started working somewhere i should probably know what my dad does for a living but i

started working somewhere else um and and yeah it's just it's just yeah it's not coming but the memory lives on in here you know what i never trust is a carrot cake that has a on the icing a little carrot on it

with a carrot on it I always think that's the mark of a bad carrot cake yeah do you think they're doing too much yeah I think they're just trying to make up for the fact that carrot cake's not that good and they just put a little carrot on there I don't mind it no

I mean the one the one that I loved that it didn't have that it didn't need it it didn't need to have a little baby carrot on it yeah it's like eat the carrot cake and see like do you know I mean you're gonna imagine that carrot

yeah

I see it as they're warning people like oh this is carrot cake you actually don't like carrot cake yeah what do you think of all these cakes that are now like oh they do a courgette cake or

no it's not for me no it's not for me man just keep it it was good like do you know i mean we got a carrot we don't need that we're doing too much like we're doing way too much with it just leave it just let it be courgette why'd you need a courgette cake who needs it who's that for yeah like who's the demographic for like for courgette cakes it's not me like it's not they didn't make that for me man

i'm gonna make a carrot cake this week yeah yeah because you can put so much like you can put like ginger in it or like different spices, yeah, yeah, allspice in it.

And oh,

I actually want to, I want to try some of it.

Like, do you guys cook?

Like, are you big into cooking?

Ed does a lot.

I do both.

You do a lot, yeah, but not as much.

Ed can cook a proper meal.

I'm just doing basic stuff.

I'm notoriously bad at cooking.

Yeah.

Like, you go back and watch Ted Lasso in that episode where I'm cooking with my dad.

Look at the chopping technique.

Tell me if that man cooks frequently.

Do they not want to get some, you know, a dummy pair of hands?

I asked them.

I specifically asked.

I was like, can you see my hands?

And they're like, no, no, no, it's fine.

Yeah, vibe, vibe, it's fine.

I'm chopping.

And my friends messaged me.

They're like, Tahib, you've exposed yourself.

You've outed yourself.

Yeah, I'm not.

I'm not a good one.

We've got Dustin's hands.

Dustin's hands in there from

Stranger Things.

Yeah.

The kid from Stranger Things.

Is he good at...

A lot of the time his hands are used in shots when it's not him.

Yeah, yeah.

Just to...

He knows what he's doing, but he's got a variety of skills.

Oh, I see.

And a lot of the time they cut to his hands instead of someone else's hands that's a joke from an old episode team you don't need to uh engage him on that i mean listen i think it's funny like having part of my job is that uh i don't explain the jokes and

ed has to explain

so apologies

i mean i'm just like i don't know who who dustin is and so i'm like the stranger things kid yeah oh oh i see okay cool

yeah gate and mazarato yes yes yes yes okay cool that makes more sense now do you need anything with the carrot cake or are you just going straight carrot cake because this is a this is

this could be a way this could be a loophole.

If there's like a favorite ice cream you've got and you wanted to have the ice cream with the carrot cake on the side.

See, I didn't think about this.

And then you can have like two favorite desserts in it.

I played it.

I played it honestly and I didn't think about it.

A cream?

A custard?

Carrot cake and custard?

I'd do it.

Yeah, you'd do it.

Carrot cake and custard.

Go back for seconds.

High five and all the kids.

How do I feel about this?

I feel like I'm happy with my carrot cake.

Yeah.

But I'm gonna I could say I could put a vanilla ice cream on the side and people are gonna roast me because you know like I like vanilla ice cream because somehow that's basic but i don't care sure i don't care it's a good good vanilla ice cream it's just good you can't hate on it like it's it's good do you know i mean it's good i don't know i'm getting defensive like a pop of vanilla pods vanilla pods what's that it's got to have like a pop of vanilla pods in it yeah especially the little custardy and yeah so there's the little black dots in it you can see they've scraped the vanilla pods into there yeah see this is this is levels that's where you get the creamiest most custardy vanilla ice cream it's great all right cool i'm gonna look into this next time i walk into an ice cream shop i'm like excuse me yeah Show me the pods.

Let me see them pods.

I think you've got to be very specific about what you mean if you're walking into a shop and going up to someone and saying, let me see them pods.

You're barred from an ice cream parlour.

First person ever to get barred from an ice cream parlour.

He said, show me them pods.

Kick them out.

Let me see them pods.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

You want still water?

Definitely.

Also, here's a regular thing on the podcast that Ed Ed really enjoys is whenever I have to read a menu that has words that I'm not familiar with I get really nervous about pronouncing them yes when you when you were making the choice between your starter and calamari I could feel James going oh god I hope he picks calamari

you would like a gege bread a gege bread yes with salted butter

oh my god oh that's good that's good this is good okay cool yeah gizda dough from inish yes main course penne pasta in tomato sauce with assorted meats and something fishy yeah side dish beef ragoo mac and cheese with truffle from balance yes and also we'll throw some coleslaw in there for you yeah yeah drink you want a bottle of nigerian fanta yes dessert carrot cake from your dad's work yes with optional vanilla ice cream but i think we landed on no yeah i i'm i'm fine with that carrot cake doesn't need it doesn't need any help yeah it's good that that's a that's a list man you feel good i'm i'm happy with that yeah i'm taking that i'm taking that every day like that's a that's a list that i i'm dying on this hill yeah anybody like me, bro.

Like, if there's anything on, I'm I will fight to the death for every single item that I put to that list.

Yeah, I'm proud of it.

I'm happy, like, yeah, I'm excited to try stuff on it.

And then, also, you've got a carrot cake, so yeah,

yeah, I want to try your carrot cake, yeah, I'll make another one, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll bring you some.

This is good to the Ted Latso set, I'll put it on the stage.

I mean, you know, they're saying there's not gonna be another one, but uh, well, no, I'll put it on the stage at Romeo and Juliet,

it's like halfway through eat it while you pretended pretended to be dead.

Yeah.

Thus with a kiss I die.

Oh, it's not as good as the one my dad brought from me.

I wonder what my dad's job is.

Can you guys think of any shoe puns?

Thank you very much.

Thank you guys so much for having me.

This was great.

Thank you.

Well there we go.

What a great way to kick off the the series with Tahib there, James.

He was very happy with his menu.

I think that's the happiest someone's been with their menu.

Yes.

Where it's like they were really, you know, they didn't know going in how they're going to feel about it.

They had a lot of honourable muncheons trying to decide between different dishes.

And then at the end, he heard his menu read back to him and was delighted.

Yeah.

I'd say Babatunde probably happier with his menu.

I can't remember that.

Well, after everything he said, he said, let's go.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He was pretty happy with the truck.

yeah yeah but fantastic to have tahib on don't forget uh he's in romeo and juliet at the almeida theater at the moment until the 29th of july i think it's selling out though so you got to be quick you better be quick uh get down and see tahib in that this is tahib's in it it's shakespeare to two of the big hitters tahib and shakespeare yeah it is stage managed by the great alito yeah let's not forget that if you want to see some high quality stage management yes and even better because tahib did not say homemade english tea biscuits in in a small pink box.

Yes, I bought them up cheekily.

You did.

And, you know, slap on the wrist for that because you shouldn't put the secret ingredient in someone's head.

Yes.

Because then they might say it and then it's your fault.

You've got to kick them out.

Naughty boy.

Thank you very much to Tahib for coming in.

Thank you for listening.

We will see you next week for episode two of series 10.

Wow, that's how it works.

Boy.

Goodbye.

Boy.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

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And we're back live during a flex alert.

Dialed in on the thermostat.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

Clutch move by the home team.

What's the game plan from here on out?

Laundry?

Not today.

Dishwasher?

Sidelined.

What a performance by Team California.

The power truly is ours.

During a flex alert, pre-cool, power down, and let's beat the heat together.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September at the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.