Ep 197: Jenny Eclair

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

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Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

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Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, Peeling the Garlic Clove of Conversation, putting it in the crusher of good times and frying it in the oil of the internet.

And just eating garlic.

And just eating garlic.

Well, that's the start of a recipe, isn't it?

That's the start of most good recipes.

My kind of party.

That is a gamble.

My name is James Daycaster.

I say it was a party.

This is the offending podcast.

We own a dream restaurant.

We invite a guest in every single week.

We ask them their favourite ever start of main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is.

Jenny Eclair.

Jenny Eclair, a brilliant comedian.

Are we approaching National Treasure?

You know that we're going in there.

We're going in the beach.

We've got our...

We've got a big shovel and we're digging up some National Treasure.

We don't even need a metal detector.

We don't even need a metal detector because everyone's trying to dig to get this national treas.

One of the best treasures there is.

One of the best treasures there is.

Just you try sharing dad.

I absolutely love Jenny Eclair, an amazing comedian, absolutely brilliant on Taskmaster recently.

I'm looking forward to it.

As of recording, it's not gone out yet.

I think the first episode is tomorrow.

Ed, however, has seen the whole series because he does the Taskmaster podcast.

So I always have to stop myself from asking Ed what happens.

Yes, but I don't think it's a massive spoiler to say that Jenny is fantastic on the series.

Yeah, well, I'm very much looking forward to seeing Jenny Eclair on Taskmaster.

A match made in heaven.

A match made in heaven, and hopefully, it's a match made in heaven for Jenny in the dream restaurant.

Yes, but as always, there's a secret ingredient that we deem to be unacceptable.

And if Jenny says it, she will be kicked out of the dream restaurant.

And this week, the secret ingredient is Eclaire.

Obviously.

So, Jenny Elizabeth.

We're very lazy.

We're very lazy boys yeah come on

oh although you know obviously i like a clair's i don't we've talked about this before that's kind of quite

because you don't like them so we aren't sticking to yeah we are still sticking to the actual you know correct thing

jenny's going on tour jenny is going on tour it's an extension it's a tour extension

so it was already uh smash hit yes absolutely but now it's xxl the tour james yeah 60 plus for fuck's sake ff fs ffs Yes.

I can't speak today, no.

National Treasure, FFH.

So you've got to go and see Jenny's tour.

Absolutely.

She also has a brilliant podcast called Older and Wider that she does with Judith Holder, which you must go and listen to as well, available in all your podcast shops.

Make sure you listen to that.

Go and see Jenny Live.

Watch Jenny on Taskmaster if you haven't caught up on the series yet.

Yes.

Man, so much stuff.

But first of all, listen to this.

This is the off-menu menu of Jenny Tive.

Jenny Clerk.

I've listened to loads of these, you know.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I don't really listen to other people's podcasts because I get very jealous.

Yes.

So I never listen to yours until you invited me.

That's the rule.

I've told Ed this.

Yeah.

Are we recording, by the way?

Yeah, we're in.

This is the gold.

Here's all the snidey gossip when I don't think the microphones are on.

So I just thought, well, I know this is a very popular one.

I've got a 22-year-old lodger at the moment.

I've got my niece living with me.

She's at Lambda.

What can you do?

And so she's a big fan and all this sort of thing.

And I was going, yeah, well,

yeah, well.

And then I got invited on.

I thought, right, I better listen to a few of these.

And it's, well, it's a very clever conceit.

That is the first time it's been called a clever conceit.

It's a clever conceit, and it is bulletproof, it seems.

Yes, apparently.

It is bulletproof.

Well, let me see if I can ruin it for you.

Here we go.

Welcome, Jenny, to the Dream Restaurant.

I am in.

Well, I know.

No, this has given me a sleepless night or two.

I've got quite worried about it.

I'm quite competitive.

And I just thought, all right,

what can I think of that nobody else has thought of?

And I really drew a blank.

So it's quite difficult.

And the worst thing is you've offered too much choice.

We've offered everything.

Yeah.

Okay.

Fire some questions at me and I'll try and answer them.

Welcome, Jenny and Claire, to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

We're just going to get our bits in whenever we can.

Have you?

Have you, Nelly?

But thank you very much for inviting me.

I have been waiting some time, but

I know that I've listened to one with Kathy Burke when you kept banging on about how you'd wanted her for so long and she was your dream.

And I got quite, I got a bit snitty about it.

But she is my dream guest as well.

If I had a podcast like yours and wanted guests, she would be up there.

You do have a podcast, though.

Well, why do you think I mentioned it?

I do have a podcast.

We do not have guests.

We did have guests, but, you know, they just talked over us.

Who said it was your turn?

Imagine that.

Imagine that.

So, in fact, we couldn't pay them.

I mean, I know I'm not expecting any financial recompense.

I believe you are getting paid.

What?

Yeah, yeah, we're paying you for this.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll make you come into the studio.

We'll pay you, of course.

Oh, that's really brilliant.

So, no, we couldn't afford guests, so we decided rather than get people in for no money and then feel slightly resentful throughout the program we'd not have guests and we do it on something called clean feed so we don't need to come to a studio it's all quite it's very cheap and uh but we are going live we're going i don't know when this will come out but we've got some live shows in in uh sorry i'm starting to stutter now because it's making me anxious in june and july thinking about the live shows yeah yes yes

you've you've done so many different live shows you've stand up you've done like like uh uh grandparent women huh grandpa women

i need to say the vagina monologues i did do that that and oh god yes it's

you did do it oh yeah

yeah it's it's very dated that show is very very very dated indeed i think when it first came out it was a sort of really quite strong polemic but i think now it's just as it's anyway let's not it's all marvellous everything's marvellous and everyone's very talented yes let's leave it at that

uh are you a foodie jenny i wish i was for the purposes of this show and then i'd have sort of more interesting things to say to you i do you know what i'm not really and i'm not really encouraged to be one i i live with a man who's actually, he's 74 and he has the taste buds of an eight-year-old.

He genuinely would be happy eating children's party food for the rest of his life.

You know, if I said, I'm really sorry, but from now on, it's just cocktail sausages and crisps and maybe some jelly and ice cream.

I wouldn't bother him at all.

Wow.

So that's his dream meal.

If he was on the podcast, it would be cocktail sausages, crisps and jelly and ice cream.

Yeah.

He's very, he's often when he goes to restaurants, he's looking at the menu and he can't see any of those things.

It's quite disappointing.

It's rare that you get any of those on a menu.

Yeah, I know.

You'd happily do that as well, wouldn't you?

I think I would.

Well, what I'd like is to go to a restaurant and for that to be like a literal off-menu item.

So I can go and some cocktail sausages with cocktail sausage.

Yeah, yeah.

That'd be really fun.

Yeah.

But that's that, well, you should go out with Jeff then.

Go to a special dream restaurant of your own.

We don't go out to eat very often.

I'm very northern.

I live in London, I have done for 40 years, but financially, I'm northern.

I find it very easy to close my purse and keep it tightly shut.

And I've never been to a restaurant where I thought, well, that was a good deal.

That was good value.

Never.

Never once in my life.

Not unless someone else is paying.

Do you know what I mean?

I always feel like slight resentment when the bill comes.

You go, what the fuck?

You mean

genuinely?

You think it was worth that?

No, no, no, I don't.

There must have been a time where it was all right.

Never.

Never.

Not once in my entire life, to be honest.

I eat at home, mostly.

So do you cook a lot?

Oh, God, no.

No, I'm much better than I was.

I mean, you've got to remember that when I was, you know, your age and younger even, because you both, you know, you've been around now.

Yeah, yeah.

But, you know, when I was in my 20s and 30s, which I presume you're both in now.

Yeah, one of those.

I was out gigging most of the time.

So, you know, I was never in to make the family meal.

You know, I was in Nuneaton or wherever.

I was on a train.

So I do remember, and I've said this before on other shows, but my daughter coming home from, you know, when they get to that age where they go to other people's houses and they start to realize things are different.

And she came home when she was about four and she went, do you know something?

I went, no, what?

She said, do you know, and this is true.

You can make cakes in your own house.

And I went, that's a lie.

I said, not in this house, love, not in this house.

And then I tried, I did, at the point, at the time, I didn't have a cooker.

Not have a cooker.

Oh, wow.

I had a hob and a microwave.

So I got some of those My Little Pony buns.

They were little fairy cakes in a microwavable mix.

And they had sort of stickers to put on the top.

And it was a disaster, absolute disaster.

I once tried to make a Christmas dinner in a microwave.

That didn't work either.

No way.

That's when we decided to get a cooker for Christmas because I had family coming and all that.

And he's just thinking, oh, God, this is really expensive Christmas because, you know, I'm not only providing the meal i'm going to buy a fucking cookery on top of it all you know so that's that anyway well christmas dinner did you think it wasn't worth the money i've always said about christmas dinner if pot noodle would do a giant pot noodle christmas dinner flavor i'd be happy with that yeah i wouldn't really would you be happy with everyone else's reaction to that though that would make me laugh a lot yeah

my brother and my sister yeah a lot um no i'm not a foodie i know that ed you are a foodie i feel that james is trailing somewhere behind you in the foodie stage.

I'm trying, I'm like Scrappy Doo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sometimes he goes mad and I have to put my hand on his forehead and he's just swinging around.

Yeah, that's when he chooses a cheese board.

Yeah,

so are you the cheeseboard boy?

No, you're the cheeseboard boy.

How dare you say that to me?

You're a pudding boy, aren't you?

I'm a pudding boy.

You're a pudding boy.

Okay, you don't look like a pudding boy.

Thank you.

Oh, you don't look particularly cheesy either.

No, there you go.

Take that as a compliment.

Yeah, yeah.

But oh, it's not.

So, sorry, where were we?

I think we were gonna talk about your tour 60 plus FFS exclamation mark XXL.

Yeah, they're trying, they're trying to sort of make me do new material, so that's where the XXLs come in from.

That's them trying to make you do new materials.

They add XXL, and then that lights are fire, wouldn't you?

Yeah, it's meant to.

Um, I wrote a show about being 60, I'm now 63, so we've got to sort of update it, upgrade it, and all that.

So, it's got new stuff.

I mean, it it just it genuinely has as well, because since I was last on the road, my mum's died, and I've had a a grandson.

So, you know, there's some life-changing stuff going on.

And I do have some material about being at my mother's deathbed, which involves food, about how

this ridiculous situation occurred.

I don't know whether you've ever done the deathbed vigil.

Not yet, no.

Right.

Well, another bit of your podcast would be, what would you eat if you were waiting at someone's deathbed for them to die?

What snacks?

That's a good new feature.

That's good.

Because that's a different, because people are always like, what would your last meal be?

But it's a nice spin on that.

Yeah.

what would what would you eat while you're waiting for someone else to die definitely you wouldn't think you'd have much of an appetite would you no no not i love my mother so much and my sister and i were there at the deathbed and uh it was it was one of those situations they say come quickly so you drop everything you just and it's 250 miles and you do and i i hadn't eaten and because you're not thinking about food you're not think you're thinking about getting to your mother's deathbed so i'm there and i'll get there at two o'clock and really you know they're they're saying it's it's last breath time and all this kind of six o'clock.

And I'm thinking, oh, I haven't had anything to eat.

And you don't like to mention it, do you?

My sisters, you start saying, have you got a banana in your bag?

Then it's eight o'clock, and there's a change of shift.

And the nurse is popping their heads around, going, I'm going home for my tea.

And you're thinking, oh, God, I wonder what they're having on

chicken fajitas.

Oh, I could really do with a chicken fajita.

And you know, your mother had all this.

And you just, you don't, the last thing you expect to feel is a bit peckish.

And that's that's where, and it was just after Christmas, it was January.

My sister and I, in the end, we were resorting to going through my mother's locker and wardrobe to try and find leftover Christmas treats, you know, like there was tinder biscuits, nothing in there, you know, some old biros.

And you just,

and there was a sort of box of what are those Turkish delight.

Yeah, I fucking can't stand them.

And, you know, we're licking, we're licking the residual sort of icing sugar because just to keep the energy up.

And then you sort of, you're just thinking, thinking, oh, God, what are we going to?

And then it's crept into the next day.

You just think, oh, God.

And they've locked the kitchen.

They've locked the kitchen.

They don't trust us.

Well, they're right not to.

So you're delighted up there.

Just the icing sugar.

And anyway, then she died, and then you suddenly you lose your appetite, don't you?

So there we go.

That's my.

Well, you really hurried that story along.

I thought there was loads more detail to come in.

Sorry.

Very abrupt, Eddie.

Anyway, there we go.

I wouldn't trust myself in that situation.

If I was with someone else at a deathbed, what if one of you's got a bag of crisps and the other one wants a crisp?

Are you passing the bag over the person?

It's a tricky as well.

Because they say that your sense of hearing is the last thing to go.

Do you really want the last thing for your loved one to hear is you crunching through a packet of monster munch?

You know, it's kind of not the done thing, is it?

Yeah, that's not great.

It doesn't feel good.

All she could hear was my stomach rumbling, I'm sure.

I'm making noises like a washing machine, but there we go.

Well, people could go and and and see the show and and also yeah you're doing the the podcast tour as well so loads of opportunities to see your life it's boring really isn't it i'm sometimes do you not get tired of yourself oh yeah yeah yeah constantly sometimes i look in the mirror and i think oh not you again you know it's all those isn't it

Now, we always start, Jenny, with still or sparkling water.

Well, they're both quite dull, but I'll go sparkling,

very clean glass, good glass, thin rim.

I don't like a thick rimmed glass or mug or anything, really.

I like a thin rim.

Nah.

And sparkling with ice and lemon.

But what I would prefer on the side, and then I'll have some to, I'm always a very thirsty person because I talk a lot.

I get quite dry.

I'll have some tap wash on the side as well, because otherwise it'll get expensive for you.

Mind you, it's a fancy restaurant.

Do you pay?

No, no.

This will be the first meal you've ever had.

This value for money.

There you go.

This is worth the money.

Oh, God, my northern heartstrings.

Relax.

And I'd like some ginger beer on the side, a good ginger beer.

Ed will know what I'm talking about.

Yes, good, cloudy, like proper ginger beer.

Yeah.

Old Jamaica?

Is that gingerbread?

I like that, and I like the Fentamans as well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I like ginger beer a lot.

Obviously, alcohol-free.

I've not started drinking yet.

You'll know when I do.

There will be alcohol involved in this meal.

Jenny, I have a question.

Why is it just me who would know about the ginger beer and not James?

Don't trust him.

I don't think that he'd have the palate.

I'm not sure.

I think I might be underestimating you slightly.

He knows what he's talking about, this guy, honestly.

No, no, I like it.

I'm happy to lean into this.

Okay.

I honestly really enjoy your shows.

I really, I just thought, oh, I now know what everyone's raving about.

It's really good.

And I've heard some really wonderful, lovely people.

And what's clever is it's not just about food they reveal quite a lot about themselves yeah well I'm gonna be very buttoned up

you've already talked about your mother's death oh god remember that we've already punched that out of you

nowhere else to go really I'll backtrack now anyway there we go I love the thin rimmed glass specifying that because I would agree and I would never think about very few people come on here and think about the glass and the water almost nobody uh no I'm really fussy about glassware tableware and I don't do an listen, I'm going to own up to how I eat at home because, you know, I'm making a nonsense of everything I say.

We barely ever eat at the table.

We haven't even got trays.

There are only two of us mostly.

I mean, the lodger eats, but I've got the lodger, the 22-year-old niece, Lambda Lodger.

Lambda Lodger, we call her, LL, Lambda Lodger.

She keeps her food separate.

She eats a bit earlier than us.

We don't eat till 8.30.

We eat on our knees and we don't have trays.

We have good quality magazines.

Perfect.

Pardon me?

When Jenny said we eat on our knees, will you imagine them knelt down?

Yes.

Well, I'd be fine.

Because I'm a squatter.

I'm a natural troglodyte.

I'm a floor squatter.

But the old man

is like, are we not allowed to say troglodyte?

No, of course you are.

You are.

Don't worry.

No, no, you're not going to be.

I think it's just the way that you threw away the phrase natural squatter that made me laugh.

Just as if there's natural squatters and there's people who are unnatural.

Well, you want to watch my bloke try try and squat.

He couldn't get back up.

You know, you'd have to...

I'm the same.

Really?

Tight hips.

Yes, he's very, and I'm very loose around that.

So

are you a natural squatter, James?

Yes, I do yoga.

Yes, James.

I do my squats.

But like a year or two ago, not so much.

Yeah, yeah,

you can flex those thigh muscles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so when I say on our knees, I mean the plates are on our knees.

Okay, gotcha.

And we don't have trays.

The magazine.

We have good quality magazines.

It might be an interiors.

It might be an El Deco.

A glossy.

It'd be a glossy and quite thick.

Good quality.

Yeah.

And Jeff can't throw a magazine away.

We have hundreds of years of El Deco and wallpaper and interiors.

Hundreds of years of that.

And you just eat off them.

We eat off them.

See, in our house.

And I thought this might be the case with you as well, but you're probably going to think we're disgusting.

We have fancy cushions on the sofa and we have eaten cushions oh that's disgusting so

so it's just one of the eaten cushions yeah will go on the knee plate on top of the cushion that's old folks home stuff that yeah it's slovenly that is really really slovenly because they must be splattered and they must smell they must smell

well one side so you only do it on one side and then when you're done that's the side that

that goes away from from prying eyes have you heard of the cushion tray yeah

it is james is right it's we are entering old people's home territory But this is a tray, you know, it's a hard tray, but it's got a soft bottom.

Yes, I love it.

Well, I want it.

There is your Christmas and birthday gift rolled into one.

I think I just want to live in an old people's home.

Well,

honestly, I can tell you you don't because you're quite a foodie and you're going to get mint.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, yeah.

You will complain about the food there.

One of my grandmothers went into an old people's home, and that's all she would talk about when you went to visit, how bad the food was.

Yeah, yeah.

And the tea, they put stuff in the tea to make it thicker.

Yeah.

yeah, so they don't have to swallow it.

That sounds quite good.

Oh, you'd like that one, you like the thick tea?

Yeah, if you're in a rush, honestly, you wouldn't.

And they give it you in a beaker as well.

Just watch that, just watch those sort of propensities.

Yeah, okay.

Slightly creative sheer.

Cushion tray.

Yeah.

I'd love that.

Okay, right.

I think a fan might, you might get inundated with cushion trays.

You will be sent, you'll be sent some personalised cushion trays.

And the fan will do a photo print of their face on the cushion side.

Yeah.

But when you eat it, it's in your lap

it's nuzzling your groin their lips are nuzzling your groin

yeah there you go again fine that's what happened yeah the ginger beer yeah so you've got your thin-rimmed glass which i love and the ginger beer is there on the side is that in the can still or in the fentanyl's bottle or have you got that in a different i i don't mind drinking from a bottle or a can at all uh but i think in this situation we'll we'll glass it up yeah yeah we'll have a similar thin rimmed glass yeah and you want this topped up throughout the meal?

Oh, yeah.

Ginger beer, not for?

Yeah, you know, this has got to be an endless font.

Yeah.

And fiery.

You want fiery.

Yes, but not silly.

Yeah.

And there's a terrible soda poppy one, which people keep getting in the Tate Modern or the Tate Britain.

And every time I go to the Tate, I think, not that fucking awful ginger beer.

And I've had words.

I've had words.

I have.

So this is not the best.

This is not your best ginger beer.

Yeah, yeah.

They've got to start yeah up in their game at the table absolutely where do you stand on ginger ale confused slightly um it reminds me of my father and sort of 70s drinks um and boxing day drinks parties and possibly alcohol going into it as well what what do you have with ginger ale is it whiskey and ginger ale

yeah i can't do whiskey i really can't do whiskey you know whiskey and i don't you should never give whiskey to certain women bad-tempered women should never drink whiskey you know I'm prone to shout at buses anyway but you know give me whiskey and I'm just there shaking my fist and calling God an arsehole it's not

I don't know that sounds funny yeah it sounds like a laugh for a raffle yeah it is very short-lived laugh there we go but I'd rather have yeah I think ginger ale I'd rather have booze in than ginger beer ginger beer is nice on its own

stuff going on right yeah Pop rubs or bread pop rubs or bread Jenny Claire Pop Robs or bread okay right that was so amazing that was a a big one, wasn't it?

Yeah.

We're in the studio.

Is it called plosive?

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, you did a very plosive P then, and I got some of it in my face.

Yes.

I'm quite glad I'm wearing glasses.

So, Pop Dom's or bread.

I'm going to go, can I have a scandy basket?

rather than an either or.

When I say a scandy basket.

Yeah, please, please.

You know, if you have breakfast in like Norway, Oslo, that's in Norway, well done.

You know, Sweden, places like that.

And I like those.

It's like a big round Rye Vita.

Right.

But they're better than Rye Vita.

They're a harder, crisper.

Yes.

And they sometimes made on the premises in the good hotels because they're very good at breakfast.

I'm a big, big breakfast fan.

So I do like that scandy kind of, I like a dark bread.

I like a pumpernickel.

I like that sort of thing.

Yes.

You're getting Benito to Google what that, what those.

bigger scandy crackers called.

It's like a crisp bread, right?

Yes, it is.

It's a big crisp bread.

And then they make them in the round they're they're like as big as a driving wheel almost oh wow and get them in ikea yeah you can get them in ikea along with the lingonberry jam yes um and i love i i'm a big condiment girl big big on the condiment um

not so much on the condoms

it's either or yeah yeah i'm not eating that's got a bigger team yeah suddenly i've got the taste of a condom in my mouth and i don't want it what if you well here's the thing what if you had to smuggle some condiments through customs?

How would you do it?

I'd fill them, yeah, I'd fill a condom full of lingonberry and swallow it, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be, and then if it bursts, and you'd say, I'm having a very heavy period,

even though I'm 63

periods for 12 years, anyway, you asked for it, didn't you, boys?

There we go.

You kind of did ask for it, but like, uh, I don't know if it would burst or then.

Don't try and take Jenny on at this go.

Don't use me as your condiment mule.

I'll be as a good experience.

Yeah, so

so you want like a basket of mixed scandinavian breads and crisp breads and crackers and all of that

and i don't eat butter right uh i haven't eaten i don't know whether you know this about me uh because i do bang on about it but i used to be anorexic i know people do look at me now as if to say oh i didn't know you could recover that well

it's sort of but i was anorexic at obviously drama school triggered it because um drama school in the i went to drama school 78 to 81 at a time when people were still allowed to be vicious to um you know i've got the lambda lodger uh and it's all you know she's at drama school and i mean it's incredible the education she's getting and a lot of it is about consent and a lot of it is about you know how to behave towards people and all this kind of thing

and uh when i went to drama school the teachers are allowed to call you fat girl well so i and i i was i mean all of the women girls in my year ended up with some kind of psychosis And there were quite a lot of eating disorders around at the time.

And I think I struggled until I was about 27.

So it can be, I mean, it is, it's a bad illness because it is, it's still of a lot of the mental health illnesses.

It's one that still has quite a high death rate.

And you do have to,

it's a very weird one because it's so obvious how to get out of the box you've locked yourself in.

You just eat some food and you just won't give yourself the permission to do that.

So

I made my parents and everybody around me very miserable for quite a long time.

But yeah, so sorry, you've gone very quiet.

No, just letting you speak.

I was thinking, haha, how's this for buttoned up?

I forgot.

We got you, Claire.

We got you.

I'll start crying quite soon.

You were saying you don't eat butter.

And that is probably my last leftover thing from anorexia.

I used to have lots.

I don't eat chocolate either.

And I don't eat pastries.

I know it's your producer Ben's birthday and there's something sticky and delicious.

Yes.

And it's not just me.

Love it.

Love it.

And

I just,

I wouldn't do that.

But I used to not eat pastry as well, but I have a terrible, I love a pork pie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I had a 63rd birthday recently.

And my friend Judith that I do Older and Wider podcast with sent me a four pound pork pie.

It was like the size was a very small baby and

this is a true story right so the courier because it came from Oxfordshire

I wasn't in so he put it he was meant to put it in my safe place right this pork pie but for some reason he decided that behind the bins wasn't good enough and what he'd do is throw it over my side garden wall into the back garden

and when I realized that she'd sent me a pork pie I thought it was going to be smashed to pieces.

No.

This pork pie was so solid and the crust was so thick there wasn't a crack in it.

It survived the throw.

It's because they're built for like miners to drop down shafts and stuff.

This is it, exactly.

And I looked at this pork pie when I got it out.

It was absolutely perfect.

I thought, I'm so tempted to stand on it to see if it'll take my weight.

Oh, pork pie.

I mean, pork pie, yeah.

That's just one of the finest things in the world.

It was a good one.

I do a TV show with the chef Tom Kerridge.

Right.

And me and the other judge on that show, Nisha Katona, had a bet with him once about something that was going to happen.

Sort of, it was like a political bet about when everyone was, you know, there was a new prime minister and all of this.

And we were like, who do you think's going to be appointed prime minister?

And we had a bet going and the bet was for a pork pie.

And Tom lost the bet.

And luckily, he runs a two Michelin style restaurant called The Hand and Flowers.

So he sent me and Nisha a pork pie each.

And this thing was double the size of my head,

thicker than a Victoria sponge.

It pork in it, but then also black pudding throughout it as well.

It is, I think, best thing I've ever tasted.

and i just every 10 minutes i'd be at the fridge going just a little sliver little sliver a little sliver yeah this is the first time i'm hearing about this is it yeah hear about this delicious pork pie best you've ever tasted you know it'll be round getting in that fridge yeah did you not bring some in no no he's a very mean man he's a very mean man

where are you on the pork pie i've also got where pork pie boy i like pork pies um i would say that uh yeah i like It has to be a really rich buttery pastry in the first.

If it's not, then I get all sad about it.

I've got the jelly stuff now.

I'm fine about that.

When I was a little kid, didn't like it.

Yeah.

And when it's got a little bit of something extra, like some black pudding in there, then obviously gourmet.

I'm all for it.

Guess who's still scraping the jelly off?

My partner, my 74-year-old partner.

Of course, he's here because he's got the taste buds of a six-year-old.

He loves jelly and ice cream, though.

Yeah, he likes, yeah.

It'd be all right if it was strawberry jelly inside the pork pie.

He'd be really happy.

You're not having butter.

Are you having anything

buttery?

Yes, yes.

Please, may I have some Philadelphia low-fat cream cheese?

Thank you.

Absolutely.

I love Philly.

I love Philly.

I like the clean taste of Philly.

I don't like a claggy taste.

No.

And I find butter too claggy.

I mean, obviously, I'll eat it in a pork pie pastry, but not by itself.

So, you want

this Swedish

scandy basket with a crack of bread and some Philadelphia light.

Yeah, thank you.

Delicious.

There we go.

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Your dream starter.

Okay.

Oh, quite dull.

I'm sorry about this.

I've really thought about this and I've thought, well, no, have what you like because quite often I don't have what I like and I call it menu masochism.

And I think it's something that women really suffer from much more than men.

You know, if I go out with Jeff to eat, not that we do because we're too mean, but you know, if we ever did,

he would just look at a menu and he would not, he wouldn't panic about it.

He wouldn't get into, oh, God,

can you give me another 25 minutes?

Thank you very much indeed.

And he would go, I'll have the steak.

I'll have it medium well done.

I'll have chips.

And if you put some vegetables on that, it's fine.

I'm not fussed.

And then I'll have, oh, some apple crumble.

And some, I'll have that.

No trouble at all.

Of course, Jess's having a steak medium well done.

Yeah.

I was expecting turkey dinosaurs.

I was expecting vitamins.

Only.

Only.

I'm there going, well, I've never had curried whelks before.

Maybe I should try those.

And my daughter's inherited this from as well and we we every time we eat out more or less another reason why i don't eat out is we choose the wrong thing we choose the uh some fish we've never had before that turns out to be the boniest fish in the world

and it's just it's a misery and you're just sort of thinking what oh god this is just a a nightmare i completely i i genuinely do the same thing yeah but also i've got we've talked about it on the podcast before a terrible habit of choosing what i want as soon as the menu comes then if someone else i'm with orders the same thing I have to I have to change what what I'm having well what what what's that all about because if we're going somewhere I feel like we should have the the full breadth of the menu we should experience as many different things as possible yeah but you're not sharing are you no but I just feel as a table

I don't well I don't refuse to do that I'll happily share someone else's no Richard D.

Grant is a refuse nick on the sharing he will not share yeah i'd like to share a meal with it he's a nice man very nice man

so uh okay so right Okay.

You're quite difficult then.

Right.

What about you, James?

I'm happy with, yeah,

I'll get whatever.

And then I like it when, if I'm with someone who's a sharer and we get different things, great, we can try.

And then swap them.

But like, yeah, I don't mind getting the same thing as someone else, especially if I've never been there before.

And I really want to try that dish.

Yeah.

But imagine, imagine the scene, Jenny.

Everyone gets the same dish.

Then what's the discussion after the meal?

You go, oh, we all enjoyed that.

Night's over.

I don't really talk about food that much.

I mean, I'm greedy, as you know, obviously, but I'm not that.

I don't really, I haven't got much to say.

Sorry, anyway, my starter.

I, again, I'm going a bit scandy.

I want a fish platter, but without any bones.

You know, a bone-free fritter.

I don't like bones.

I don't like them, any circumstances whatsoever.

I don't like a bone chicken thigh.

If I'm cooking a chicken something or other, it's got to be boneless.

I'm not having bones.

And Jeff's very bone phobic because he wants Mr.

Ferry when he was five because he got a bone stuck in his throat.

And it ruined a family holiday and he's never been allowed to forget it or something so he's jenny give me a second with that you've packed a lot of information to that story there and i've got to imagine it all play out jeff is bone phobic because he missed a ferry when he was five because he got a bone stuck in his throat yeah yeah

he's bone phobic and i'm bone phobic as well we don't like bones what can i say yeah yeah yeah i mean jeff prefers food he can mash with a fork and he you know he likes that but is he bone phobic because he got the bone stuck in his throat or was it specifically because he missed a ferry it was because he missed missed a ferry, and that merry, doesn't it?

Yeah, it made his life difficult for a while because it was a family holiday, and it all got a bit.

Oh, God, so and then he focused, he's focused on the bone thing.

Yeah,

I shouldn't have got the bone stuck in my throat.

Yeah, guilt, guilt.

It's amazing what things, you know, things when you're a child, when you're a child, how what an impact it can have in your life.

Where was the ferry going to?

I've no idea.

And was never interested enough to ask.

You know, when you're sort of quite interested up to a point, and then you go, that's enough detail.

So, this fish platter will be, um, there'll be the, okay, we'll have some smoke, we'll have salmon.

Um, and I want it 70s style.

You know, when they used to dress a salmon like a fish, right, poached salmon, and I want it with olive eyes and cucumber gills, properly done, yeah, you know, a pale pink and pretty.

I like, and a prop, you know, nice.

I'm quite fussy about uh, china and plates and things.

You know, I'd quite like, you know, the state banquets, I'd quite like to borrow their, I'd like to see what they eat off.

I couldn't do gold though, I couldn't have metal on a, you know, a metal plate that would annoy me.

And I can't eat, you know, when sometimes you're eating a boiled egg and someone's giving you a silver spoon, it's a bit tarnished.

It's the worst taste in the world.

Something I'm very, you know, there's some things, and if cutlery is badly balanced, you know, some people they think they can reinvent cutlery and then it'll sort of be weighted in the wrong direction.

And whatever you do with it, it's on the floor.

And you think, oh, for fuck's sake, you know, it's just a knife and fork.

But I want a classic knife and fork.

I want it nice.

Yes, classic.

And I like nice plates.

Do you need, you know, fish knives, the flat ones?

Yeah.

Why are they necessary?

Why are they there?

They are there because there was a time in history when people didn't know what to buy each other for wedding presents,

and it's as simple as that, really.

I think it was a fish canteen, yeah, they were called.

Yes, but is it to get the get it off the bone if it's

a best one?

So, you definitely don't need that for this,

no, no, no, no, no.

I prefer to be eating some of this with my fingers.

That's another, you know, that's another reason why I don't go to restaurants.

I'm, you know, it can be a pig, and I have smoked salmon as well.

I do love char-grilled octopus.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You know, really sticky, really sticky.

I want some lobster in here.

Oh, yeah.

And I'll have it out of its shell because otherwise I get in a mess, you know, and it all goes under my fingernails.

Shell's a bone by a different name.

It is.

Yeah, you're not shallophobic.

You're bonophobic.

Sorry, bone phobic, not bona phobic.

You're bone phobic.

Bone phobic.

I think I might have just since developed shelophobic.

Yeah, I'm bonophobic because I've got one stuck in my throat, Mr.

Trainer.

Is that true?

You see, I'm very gullible as well.

No, I'm just making a jump.

You said he got a boner stuck in his throat.

You got a boner stuck in his throat.

I was making a sort of dick jam.

And I'm quite deaf as well, so I didn't really hear.

You had to really enunciate the dick jacks properly.

He said he was bona fire.

You shout them in my face.

So I got this boner stuck down my throat because I was gobbling on a boner.

That's how you had to do it.

And massive prawns, really massive prawns.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I want their shells quite loose.

I want a loose shell.

So you don't mind the shell on the prawns?

No, because I can slide my fingernails under, but I get to what I'll have with the lobster, because I'm going to take my time with this meal.

I'm really sorry, boys, I could be here sometime.

I'll have a pad of very good quality watercolour paper, and I might have a little pan of watercolours, and then I might, I'd like the lobster shell on another plate, and then I might take some time to paint a still life of the lobster shell.

Now, that's definitely a first.

Yeah, we've haven't seen someone do it, we haven't had anyone do watercolours before.

Oh, oh, no, that would be...

If I ever get the opportunity to send you a picture of a still life of a lobster, I'll do that for you.

Please.

There you go.

Just stick it on the wall.

This is already, it's quite a soothing meal, then, a very relaxed meal.

You're taking your time.

You're doing your painting.

Take my time, yeah.

It's so nice.

Yeah.

Because I'm not paying for this at the end.

I'm really going to enjoy it.

And I want, I don't want Ayuri.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't want that.

I want mayonnaise.

Yeah.

And I know people say say they can make their own mayonnaise and they're all very fussy about it.

I want Hellman's Light.

Yeah.

That'll do me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, it's a classic.

A Hellman's is an absolute classic.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Philadelphia Light, Hellman's Light.

It's a theme.

Yeah, yeah.

Remember, ex-anorexic.

Yes.

I've got to cling to some of

some of the rules.

And I quite like some crudite on the side, just to sort of give myself some textural mix.

Yes.

I like radishes.

Oh, I love a peppery radish.

A really, really sharp pepperish.

Cold, crispy, peppery radish.

Once went somewhere and they were offering them as a starter with butter.

Yes.

Well that buttered radishes.

Well that's that's your nightmare of course.

It's ruining something you love with some wheel.

It's ruining a fucking radish.

Yeah.

Whereabouts was it?

They do it at Covardis.

That was a bit of a Quovardis.

Yes.

Have you had buttered radishes?

I didn't have them, no.

I didn't.

I think...

Because someone else ordered them.

Yeah.

Couldn't do.

I've not had buttered radishes.

I think.

i mean look i would i would happily try them but it didn't it didn't no it didn't float your boat did it no no why would it radishes what else is on the crudet i can't remember what else you can get in crudets i quite like celery but it's not all that is it no cucumber sticks

um i'm now eating what my grandson eats really um

uh yeah that's radishes carrots

it's a bit dull isn't it a carrot yeah yeah oh yeah yeah no i'm no i've

i'll pick radishes a little bit the radishes are the best and they look good as well so if i can't manage the painting of the,

what was that thing?

Lobster shell.

That's it.

I'll do radishes because I know I can do them.

Yes, great.

The radishes.

Do those remembering.

Your dream main course.

Okay.

What about where I'm eating?

You usually ask your guests where.

That's true.

We sometimes do something.

Do you have a specific pernotation?

No, because that was the thing that was really confusing and foxing me.

So I'm really glad you didn't ask.

But you brought it up anyway?

Well, only because the choice, I have to, because last night I was awake thinking about this.

And the trouble is, I find it very difficult if I can't control the environment.

So I'm thinking about an ocean view.

And then I'm thinking, you've had the seagull traumas from other people.

And I was once in Cornwall and

it was a big bap I had.

with

pastrami, it was pastrami and hot mustard and cucumber and that.

And it took the whole thing.

It took the whole thing.

And I genuinely felt like a tippy hedron in birds.

I couldn't believe.

And no one else on the beach battered an eyelid.

It was like, it was so common to them.

And I was hysterical, absolutely hysterical.

I was face down the sand screaming and going absolutely mental.

And people just go, yeah, yeah, it happened to me last week.

I thought, oh, sorry, I couldn't do a Cornish accent then, but you know what I'm trying to do.

And that really, really upset me, really freaked me out.

The whole bap.

The whole bat.

Yeah, big, big.

And I'd quite like to see that pigeon not pigeon seagull again go try this pork pie mate try and take that in one yeah no chances taking the pork pie no chance not with me hanging on to it

four pound pork pie and thirteen and a half stone clinging to it try that mate so you you don't want it anywhere in particular um well i was then last night i was thinking the orange express because it's the this is um um but then people would be dressed up they'd be in fancy dress and that makes my fists clench right yeah like well you could you could be on the orient express just by yourself or whoever you're eating with.

Yeah that'd be good.

I don't want anyone else.

I love a view you know because it goes through I'd like you know like the film Merge on the Orient Express and I love a snowy landscape.

I love love love a snowy landscape.

That would do me.

That would really do me.

Do you want there to be a murder that you have to solve at the end of the meal?

Jeff and I love.

I mean we've gone through all the Agatha Christie's during lockdown when we were anxious.

We did them all on audio at night time and sometimes we've woke in the middle of the night we'd have to say to each other do you want some more story?

We have some more story, and but we've gone through all the Agatha Christie's, and there's some dreg Agatha Christie's, and they are so bad.

Yeah, she was still allowed to write when she was losing it, yeah.

And there's some insane stuff, some really, really the lesser-known Agathas, there's a reason why they're lesser-known, yeah, absolutely insane.

You and Jeff listened to them before in the morning, yeah.

We try, we try, and then there's a point where we turn to each other and go, This one's shit, isn't it?

So, uh, yeah, I did think, and I do like those very cozy restaurants, you know, like an Andrew Edmonds, I'm sure you've been, you know, that kind of thing.

But then I, you know, I'm I'm quite wide and I don't like those when tables are very close together and you walk to the toilets and you've got other people's dinners up your backside.

And I like my own house to eat at.

I do like that because I like watching telly while I eat.

So what about the Orient Express, but you're in a compartment that looks like your own sitting room?

No, no, I want it a bit posh than that.

I'll have the Oringt Express, but no one dressed up in fancy dresses.

No one else is on it.

Snowy landscape.

And it's going to your house, maybe?

Maybe going straight to your house.

I don't mind.

I don't mind having a jaunt, a trip, going on a bit of a holiday.

But when I'm eating, the last thing I want to do is have a long way to get home.

That's why sometimes if you're staying in a good posh hotel, there's nothing better than getting completely stuffed and a bit pissed and knowing that all you need to do is get in a lift to get to your room.

Yeah, it's a beautiful feeling.

That's a lovely feeling, isn't it?

Rather than thinking, I've got to get an Uber after this and I can't move and I don't know where I am.

You know, it's that sort of thing.

So I do like, I like to know how I'm going to get to my own bed.

And if I'm on the Orient Express, I've got a...

You've got your cabin.

Got my cabin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's just you.

Jeff's not on it.

No, Jeff's with me.

Jeff's on it.

I'll go.

Otherwise, I get frightened.

So your dream main course.

Okay,

and I haven't told you this.

It's not very interesting.

But I have an allergy to tomatoes, which has ruined my life.

And I only developed it in my late 40s.

Oh, wow.

I know, I know.

A lot of people think it's a hormonal thing.

It's a sort of perimenopause kind of

coincidental thing.

I don't know.

But any red seeded fruit, in fact, gives, they give me mouth ulcers.

And they're very small, but they're incredibly painful.

It feels like somebody is constantly stapling the inside of your mouth.

And this isn't good for people like us who talk for a living because I get them all around the inside of my gum lines and things like that.

And everyone thinks I'm pissed anyway half the time.

So it doesn't help.

So I've had to eradicate all tomatoes out of my diet for, oh, it's years now.

It's a long time.

It's not just raw tomatoes, it's all tomatoes.

It's all tomato puree.

Devastating.

Yeah, it's tomato puree, you know, because people say, oh, it's just got a tiny bit of tomato puree, and you go, no, you twat.

I'd say, I'm allergic to tomatoes.

You know, that's why I've always got a sort of microwave cauliflower cheese on me.

Yeah.

Because people can't be trusted.

You've always got one on you.

Well, not now, because i don't need to eat now but if i'm going out for a meal and i think oh i've forgotten to tell them or something i've got to have something an alternative with me haven't i you got the old microwave cauliflower cheese i like i love cauliflower cheese i really really do so for this main cause course

sorry god it's hard um

i'd like to sort of magically not have a tomato allergy yeah

you've got a genie in the house done thank you thank you very very much uh okay So, do you know what I've craved for a long, long time and I've not been able to eat?

A spaghetti bolognese.

Yeah.

And it's dull and I'm really sorry and it's not exciting and it's not foodie.

But it's classic for a reason, Jenny.

Yeah.

And you haven't had one in a long time.

I haven't had one in so long.

And, you know, if I was being nice, I'd say I'd like my mum's, but it wasn't very good.

I'd quite like to make my own.

Or maybe I'd like my own in reserve because I know that I'd make it with so much love.

And if I was allowed to cook with tomatoes,

I'd just

make a meal of it, literally.

That would, you know, it'd be a thing of love.

Tomato puree in there, a tin of tomatoes,

a bit of tomato ketchup.

Oh, ooh, bang it in.

Because I try to make mince-based meals.

My mother's was a bit watery.

She was a bit mean on the tomato puree.

It was a bit pale brown sometimes, you know.

I don't like garlic anymore either.

I used to, but.

You don't like garlic anymore.

I don't like it anymore.

It's not an allergy.

You just

I've got a really, really heightened sense of smell, like a stupidly, um,

like a bloodhound.

Wow.

Um, and that again, it's I'm on HRT, yeah, because otherwise I am very, very depressed.

Um, hormone replacement therapy, and I will take it till I die.

And it gives some people like me a heightened sense of smell.

A lot of pregnant women get this, it's a hormonal thing.

Why aren't the police using women on HRT to have you not seen us?

We're on leads,

sniffing along pavements.

Yeah,

sometimes it's great, but sometimes it's quite offensive.

And garlic has suddenly gone into that.

Oh, no, I can't.

Wow.

Can't do it.

Not heavily garliced.

You know, garlic bread makes me...

It's butter and garlic.

Very bad.

That's a genius clair nightmare.

Oh, it totally is.

So it'd be very, very light on the garlic, if any at all.

And it would be a very bloody, heavy, red, red, probably a bottle of Chianti in there as well.

So, you know, very slow cooked, long time.

So the mince really breaks up.

I make a terrible Shepherd's pie now because I can't use any tomato puree or anything.

And it's just dry, very, very dry.

It doesn't matter what you do, it's always a bit dry.

People dread it.

I go, Shepherd's Pie tonight.

Lodge goes, oh, I've got something.

It's fine.

Colourflower cheese in my bag.

I love that she's just called the Lodger.

He literally related to you.

I absolutely love it.

A Daisy, Daisy, Lodger, Daisy, Daisy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do also like that you yourself say the shepherd's pie is awful and very dry, but you still make it regularly.

Yeah.

You go, shepherd's pie, my terrible shepherd's pie today.

Well, for you guys, I'm going to have a microwave collie power cheek.

This is a disgusting.

This is great.

This is a...

Palmers and Lashings of.

Oh, yeah.

You need

lots of that.

Yeah.

Right at the end.

Yeah.

And some mayonnaise.

Sorry.

It's a terrible habit.

Hang on, what?

Yeah.

Yeah, I have mayonnaise with everything.

Right.

See everything.

Well, you should have said this at the top of the episode.

You have mayonnaise on your spaghetti bolognese.

Yeah, a little bit.

Jenny.

Or a Greek yogurt, a little blob of Greek yogurt.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I'm very sorry.

Well,

I respect you too much for it to

affect how we carry on the episode, Jenny.

I was about to ask you, because Joe Thomas has been on this podcast, spaghetti bolognese, and revealed that his recipe for spaghetti bolognese involves a lot of cream.

He puts cream in it.

And I was going to ask you it, because I thought, oh, Jenny O'Claire will tear Joe Thomas a new one.

But then you've said you put yogurt and...

I would never cook with cream.

I don't like cream.

I think it's another claggy taste.

And it's, you know, people rave on, I think double cream is one of the most disgusting things in the world.

And my idea of torture is being held down and a squirty can of squirty cream being pushed into my face.

No, no.

That's disgusting.

Yeah.

So, no, Joe's wrong about his...

Spaghetti Bolognese recipe.

Yeah.

Just wrong.

Mine's better.

Some people put chocolate in as well.

I think that's quite a newfangled thing.

That's sort of post-my generation of mince dishes.

Yeah, well, yeah.

Like a very dark, a very dark chocolate.

Very dark.

Yeah, yeah.

Not a Snicker bar.

Why is it a sore subject?

It's what sent me out of pointless.

I went on pointless.

I had to name ingredients in pasta dishes and get a pointless answer.

Tom Kerridge again, wasn't it?

Tom Kerridge's spaghetti bolognese.

I went for chocolate because I thought

it was grated chocolate, yeah.

Wasn't wasn't

just that sent me out.

I got a hundred points on that.

Yeah.

Whatever it is.

What was it, though?

Oh, there's loads of ingredients in all the different pasta dishes, but my partner, Joel Domet, had already

got 100 on his one, so I had to get like pointless in order for us to go through.

So I just had to take a big swing.

I could have said, you know, mint or whatever.

That would have been a correct answer.

But I said, I've got an incorrect one and we crashed out.

And I look like an idiot.

Well, you don't because it's actually a lot of people do use it in mince dishes.

Yeah, yeah.

So who's the idiot now?

Tom uses it in his chili concarni.

Yeah, yeah.

But no God.

Not more Golden, isn't it?

Listen, Ivy Humiliated Myself and more of those squiz shows than I dare honestly.

I've had some terrible moments.

We did point this together.

Well, not for long because I was out first or second round.

You were, oh, God, you were there.

He was bristling with it.

Oh, I've never seen anyone so keen, keen as muscle.

We got knocked out, though.

You didn't, did you?

Yeah, we got knocked out, I think, maybe one or two rounds after you.

But you got knocked out because you were with Sophie Hagen and the category was carry-on films with only certain letters in them.

And Sophie's from Denmark.

Obviously, never seen a carry-on film, and she said carry-on full English breakfast,

which is a great way to go out.

Yeah, yeah.

And I've been on with Linda Robson.

We were also knocked out first round then as well, but it was just great because I hadn't seen her for a bit.

We had a time for a quick gossip of two and a half hours.

Linda's like the queen of Islington.

I've had such fun with her.

And me and she takes her own bottle of tomato ketchup to Wagamama.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Oh, your dream side dish.

Okay, well, here, I might go a little bit a bit Yotem.

Oh, yeah.

A bit Yotem Otilengi.

And I saw a side dish on the insta.

You know, like they sometimes whack things on that you're not even following, but you go, ooh, that looks nice.

And it was a Yotem, and it involved rhubarb and burrata.

Oh, yeah.

Now, with a pink peppercorn drizzly oil,

apparently, which I haven't got in my house so I just that and I like rhubarb and I like it in a savory I went was it once in Copenhagen and I had a lamb dish with the rhubarb and it was one of those incidents that could have gone very menu masochism and actually was a triumph great yeah

so um okay so you've never had this dish but you saw it and you thought why not

looked so pretty as well i do like pink on the plate yeah yeah yeah and that's yeah that would be very good at that making dishes look nice and fresh yeah seasonal and vibrant and you go to the shop and you think, I want everything, I want everything, and Jeff just wants one of those big meringues.

What big meringue does Jeff want?

What?

What big meringue does Jeff want?

He likes a big pink meringue, you know, one of those great big meringues that they have.

Oh, yeah, that's fair enough.

What I loved about that is it started as like a universal observation.

We are like, yeah, I love

that.

And you do this, don't you?

And it ended with, and then you go to the shop and Jeff wants a big pink meringue.

I love that you've chosen a dish that you haven't had, but you want to have.

That's very nice.

Yes.

And it's that sounds delicious.

Burrata or always a hit.

Always, yeah.

So good.

Yeah.

Yeah, I had it when I got married.

I got married very, very late because I don't approve of weddings at all.

I hate them, actually.

Although I like the food, buffet.

So my favorite meal actually would be that would be if someone said, you know, last meal before you're electrocuted in a chair for doing some terrible crime.

Yes.

That's the question.

what crime quick

so many yeah

um a a buffet a proper sort of 70s wedding buffet you know which would have lots of cold cuts and salads but they wouldn't be as good as otilengi salads they would that you know maybe i'd go i'd go sort of semi-70s buffet slash otalengi yeah yeah little fusion yeah fusion definitely Burrata, I had, yes, when I got married, that was my starter.

Lovely.

Yeah.

Can vegans eat it?

No.

No, there were a few.

What can I eat?

Did you not bring something for yourself?

No, I didn't say that, obviously.

I said it's special vegan burrata.

Problem solved.

Well, this sounds great.

I went to one of the Ottawenki restaurants recently, and we'd had Yotem on our podcast.

Yes.

So I went there, and there were some people there because they'd heard the podcast episode, which is always nice.

But the chefs, because they listened to that episode as well, they sent out a little extra, some extra bits for me.

Yeah.

Which is obviously very generous.

But it was lunchtime and I only wanted a small bite.

I was like, those motherfuckers.

I didn't want all this food.

So I got them back.

Revenge.

I bought them a round of beers.

Fuck you, chefs.

Do you like that?

Well done, man.

That taught them.

They'd love that.

Huh?

They'd love that.

Wouldn't they?

Yes.

That's nice of you.

You did a good thing.

Good guy.

Oh, no.

They did the same thing to me.

They sent me all the bread.

Did you buy me a round of beers?

No, hell no.

I love buying a round of beers.

They sent me all the bread options.

As a type 1 diabetic, that's basically an assassination attempt.

Yeah, yeah.

That was quite aggressive.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's a plaque at Cricket.

They give you the option of buying a round of beers for the chefs.

It's on the menu.

That's nice.

What do you mean at Cricket?

There's a restaurant called Cricket.

Oh, right.

I thought you were, you know, the Oval.

Sorry, I don't understand this.

Okay, there's a restaurant called Cricket.

Dream Drink.

Now, you said there was you promised there was going to be booze.

Oh there is booze, yeah.

And it's limited booze.

This is not

on a sort of tap like the ginger beer and the fizzy water and the tap water.

Also, I'm like a camel.

I barely need to go to the lavatory, so don't worry about me, guys.

I could say feel you can go.

But Chardonnay, and I know, oh, you're wincing, Ed.

No, I'm not wincing at all.

I actually...

He'll probably get a bit technical here, though, won't he?

He'll go, yes, he will.

Are we talking an oak barrel?

Yeah, we are.

Yeah, yeah yeah we're really

the chardonnays are oaky we're going really oaky we're going a dark yellow like a like a UTI infection

that whole yeah because you hear that reputation about Chardonnay if it's ABC anything but Chardonnay people are quite sniffy about it but I've had some lovely Chardonnay lovely Chardonnay yeah lovely I drink it at home a lot every night every single night I have a glass of Chardonnay and I put ice in it

yeah that's what I do because drinks never cold enough enough for me.

Never.

Never cold enough.

I was a nightmare as a child.

I used to, when my mother would try and give me milk and it had to be ice cold, ice cold milk.

And I used to call it ice cold.

Yeah, it's like ice cold.

Yeah.

Where do you stand on like slush puppies and stuff?

I don't have that sweet tooth.

I have knocked that out of me.

I just genuinely don't have it.

Yeah.

So, no, I wouldn't do that.

What about a Chardonnay slush puppy?

Oh, now we're talking.

Oh, if I could have one of those fancy fridges like Mr.

Swallow,

and it came out.

Mr.

Swallow.

Yeah, when he was on your podcast, he's like, oh, yeah, sorry.

Fucking hell.

I thought you meant to say Mr.

Frosty.

No,

but you are talking about Nick.

Yeah, yeah.

Nick.

I don't know him.

I know him as Mr.

Frosty.

Yeah, yeah, Mr.

Swallow.

He's got one of those posh fridges that the crushed ice comes out.

My dream would be to have a fridge that the crushed ice came out with Chardonnay.

Oh, yeah.

Well, this is the dream restaurant, you know.

Okay, I've got one then.

Yeah.

I've got on the Orange Express.

Oh, I'm so terribly excited.

I'm taking it home.

The problem with that, though, is that is a tap, essentially.

I know.

So now you have constant access to a Chardonnay slush puppy.

Oh, I know.

It's got to run out.

It's got to be three large glasses tops.

Yeah.

Quite a lot, actually.

So, yeah.

Yeah, I will be, you know, I'll be unconscious and out of action for two days.

Would Jeff step in if...

No, Jeff is not a drinker.

So would he step in if you if you were like three glasses in and you were like

repeating myself okay it's all same story all over again

ghastly no he's a libertarian Jeff he doesn't believe in in telling people what to do right now unfortunately even when you're like trashing the Orient Express yeah

he's in the corner covered in meringue dust or whatever

he's gone crazy no I will not tell my wife to pick on her clothes I'm a libertarian

And he'll stick to his one glass of, you know, Merlot or whatever.

No, I will, I have learnt, I have learnt with, you know, bitter experience to curtail my alcohol.

So we'll just have the three large glasses of Chardonnay slush that comes out of the tap.

Yeah.

And you can take the fridge home as well.

Yeah, thank you very much.

And I'll need some paracetamol for the morning.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

We'll line that up.

Yeah, I might need a gavascon chaser on this meal, by the way.

That's fine.

Yeah, we can do that for sure.

okay because i'm gonna have some port in a bit okay

your dream dessert don't do dessert don't do pudding oh

yes

sorry i thought that was maybe the one the terrible words what no well james is a pudding boy god see

i always I always dread this situation, Jimmy, because I can, you know, sometimes I really let rip on guests when they don't choose dessert, but sometimes

there's guests who I don't feel comfortable letting rip

because I'm either scared of them or I respect them too much, and this is a situation of both.

And

so I'm going to have to just listen to what you have to say and try and contain my anger.

Right.

Well, I'll try and sort of play on your sort of empathetic side, which I do believe exists.

Yes.

And

I think it's a bit of the latent anorexia thing.

I think that I really...

Do you see now, James?

How do you feel now, James?

I'm done.

I didn't fully go out and get a show out of the gate, aren't I?

I think that when I was going through my greedier stages, I did sort of stuff myself with anything.

I've always been more savoury than sweet, but I did have a...

My mother, we had a walk-in pantry at home because we lived in the north and people in the north can have these things like garages and pantries.

And

she was a good, if resentful, cook.

And she became more and more resentful about cooking

as she got older and things got more and more burnt.

But there used to be tins at the back of this pantry that were full of cakes and biscuits.

She didn't work, so she felt she had to do this stuff and flapjacks and things like that.

And I'd be one of those children that would go in and I'd take the lid off every tin and have a bit of everything.

I'd go in the pantry with a knife and I'd be hacking away at a fruit loaf and a this and a that.

And then she'd make rum toff as well.

You know what a rum toff is.

Oh, yes.

oh well james well done here we go well we've weirdly got like like growing up so i i kind of know what what is but like

there's a proper like uh ceramic like a ceramic thing that my parents have that says it on it so i would ask about what what is this but it's like is it fruit something like yeah in in alcohol well and i always had a taste for alcohol from a very early age but i remember i used to and it was fruit and it was booze and uh you have to leave it to stew like for months until it's ready for christmas And I'd even prize the lid off that and I'd put a dirty spoon in it.

So eventually when they did get it out at Christmas, it was just mold, just thick mold.

So, you know, I had a lot of issues with food and guilt and stuff like that from quite an early age.

And when I was coming out of anorexia, I found it the easiest thing.

not to have.

I was terrified of getting very fat again.

And I was never very fat, but I was, you know, the size I am now.

But at sort of 19, 20, I didn't want to be that.

So never, I never found my love for sweet things ever again.

And in fact, then I sort of became quite political about chocolate and the way chocolate was forced down women's throats, this sort of advertising of chocolate, the sexual thing, and the and the oh, you're so sad, you're so lonely, you're so have a great big slab of chocolate, you useless bitch, you know, and I couldn't stand it.

I can't stand that sort of pressure on, you know, this in W.H.

Smith, they used to, you know, and would you like a big fucking lump of cheap shit chocolate to go with that and you know go home and eat with your cat?

And I just, that's been it for me.

I would like that.

We would like that.

I would love that.

I would take some cheap chocolate home to eat with my cat.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

I think I use it as an excuse, really, but I've never, I've not, I think there's a deep fear as well.

If I did start, I might never stop.

Yeah, yeah.

So, you know, I have to have some rules.

I have to, and I, I cannot eat lunch till one o'clock.

I cannot eat an evening meal till eight or eight thirty unless i'm gigging in which case i have to lots of rules yeah lots of rules so in that case is there nothing for this course oh no of course don't be ridiculous

i'm going cheese oh yes oh man i've got to be okay with it i heard the whole person

but i am going cheese yeah i'm going cheese even though i'm i'm going to be too full yeah you know i've just i've just had a side dish of rhubarb and burrata do i really need any more?

Yeah, but if it's there, you can pick it up.

Picking, picking, yeah, and I have some chutneys as well.

I'll have a good fig chutney.

Yeah, oh, nice.

And I might have like a Fortnum's one.

That's a good one.

A Fortnum's fig chutney.

Well, do we have the same agents?

We do.

That's why I know about the fig chutney because it always comes in the Christmas hamper.

Any particular cheeses, Jen?

Oh, well, I think I would take guidance from a cheesemonger.

And, you know, I'd have maybe somebody who can...

I don't like a blue cheese.

I don't like you know the veiny cheese.

I'm not into that.

I don't like

it's a bit like thin men on the beach with their legs out, you know, the veiny, thin, thin men legs.

So I'm not.

You're ruining blue cheese for me.

Yeah, don't do blue cheese.

Well, James, I have the skin tones of a jellyfish, to be quite honest, you know.

And I love a baby bell.

Hang on.

Yeah.

You want a baby bell on your cheeseball?

Oh,

okay.

Turns out that we're both being angry at this.

Yeah,

I just find the peeling of a baby bell one of the most satisfying things that an adult can do.

So what if, I mean, this is a dream restaurant, what if we allowed you that peeling process, but within the wax was a nice cheese?

Oh, God, that would be like magnificent.

Yeah.

It would have to be solid enough to peel and

be the disc, like the perfect disc.

Yeah.

That would be amazing.

I think that that is something that actually you should take on Dragon's Den.

Yeah.

A foodie dragon's den.

Peelable nice cheese.

Surprise, peelable cheese like a kinder egg, but yeah, like, oh, God, that's brilliant.

Yes.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'll have those.

I'll have

loads of baby bell surprise cheeses with good cheese inside.

Thank you.

Perfect, but no blue.

No blue.

But some like mature cheddars, maybe?

Yeah, I'll do that.

I'll do that.

And do you want some of the crackers from the scandy basket to come back?

I shouldn't really need them, should I?

But, you know,

I like a good, can I have a pink lady apple or two?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

A palate cleanser.

yeah, that'd be nice.

The best apples, yeah.

We, we, we, we're on a text group with a bunch of other comics, and uh, for a while, quite the uh

quite an aggressive debate uh broke out over what the best apples were.

Well, there's no, there's no argument on this one.

Well, well, what were people saying?

Granny Smith,

they were all saying Granny Smith.

We were very anti-Granny Smith and angry about it, yeah.

Sour, very often sour.

Thank you, yeah.

I want a crisp pink lady, we know where the best ones come from.

The fridge, There's the fridge?

Yeah, Marks and Spencer's.

I mean, you know,

there are lots of supermarkets doing pink lady.

But the Marks and Spencer's, if you want good fruit, you've got to go Marks.

You love Marks's?

I do love Marks.

I remember when I supported you on tour, Marks and Spencer's sandwich on your rider.

Yeah.

Before we do wrap up, I'm going to give Vigil your menu back, but do you get sent a lot of a clair?

Because comedians get sent stuff

often.

And like, you know, fans can sometimes come to shows and send stuff for you backstage.

You must have been given a a claire's before and been like, I don't want these.

The older and wider audience know us better than to do that.

They know that we are,

I'm,

excuse me, sorry, Diet Coke.

And I don't burp, but I did tiny one then.

Coleslaw, we are big Coleslaw fans.

So the other side dish I was going to suggest was a Solariac.

remoulade

which is a posh version

of coleslaw excuse me now i'm burping

i absolutely love it.

And I don't burp.

No, no, you don't.

No, no, no.

No, no, just

now a million times on the podcast.

Yes,

you love coleslaw.

Is that what you're fancy?

They send us more savory snacks, coleslaw, Werthers originals,

you know, classic old lady kind of things.

Yeah, yeah.

Delicious.

Right.

I'll read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

You would like sparkling water in a thin rimmed glass with ice and lemon and then a tap water and a ginger beer and that to keep coming throughout the whole meal, which is on the Orient Express, of course.

Yeah.

Popped on the bread.

You want scandy basket with crisp bread and Philadelphia low-fat cream cheese.

Starter, boneless fish platter, salmon, 70-style, char-grilled octopus, lobster, shelled, so that you can then paint the lobster shell watercolor while you're eating this platter.

Massive prawns with loose shells and light mayonnaise with radishes and cucumbers, crudetes on the side as well.

Main course, you would like to make a spaghetti bolognese with loads of parmesan, loads of tomato everything

in it, really, really red, and maybe a blob of mayonnaise at the end.

A side dish, otolengi's rhubarb and burrata with pink peppercorn drizzle.

Never had it before, it'd be a first.

I'm not even willing to chuck in the uh celeriac.

Yeah, I think so too.

Your drink, you would like uh, well, you'd like to have a slush puppy machine

in a fridge that puts out Chardonnay slush, three large glasses and then it caps off and it doesn't let you have any more.

It's alcoholic sensitive.

Yes, yes.

It is very considerate fridge.

Dessert, full cheese board which has surprise baby bells that when you open them there's really nice cheese in them with the fig chutney from the Avalon Christmas hamper.

Pink lady apples.

And even though you didn't say it just then, I believe you'd like a glass of port with that.

Oh, God, I want port with that.

Yeah.

If I don't finish this meal with gout,

I won't, you know, i want it all over again yeah gavasgone chaser as well a gavis gone chaser yeah yeah yeah so port gavis gone chaser uh yeah that's i'm i'm now replete yeah and i will stagger to my bed to your cabin to my cabin and it will be by now it's it's snowing now like crazy and it's a dark dark night i might hear a bear No, I won't because I'm scared of bears.

Maybe you put your stories, maybe you put murder in the store.

Yeah, Jeff and I would enjoy that.

Yeah, we would.

That would be lovely.

I'm having such a great time.

I can't tell you.

Cozy, cozy, cozy.

I've got the top bunk.

Jeff's in the bottom bunk.

Good night, Jeff.

It's bunk beds.

You don't get a suite, even in your dream.

Jeff's in the bottom.

Some random guy across the other side of the bunk.

No, no, no one else is on this train, but

we have choice of bunk beds, and obviously I've gone to the top.

Yes,

of course.

There's anything better than being on the top bunk.

No, I can't.

Sleeping next to your husband?

jenny thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant thank you jenny absolute pleasure i've had a lovely time

well there we are james that was a great episode with jenny i mean we i think we learnt so much about jenny a lot about jeff yes also

Really good menu.

When I read it back at the end, I was like, I didn't really take the time to appreciate how delicious this was.

A very good menu that I would argue was absolutely soiled with mayonnaise.

Now,

mayonnaise with the fish starter, yes, please.

Yeah.

Mayonnaise on the bolognese.

We had to let it go.

We had to let it go, man.

Yeah.

I mean.

And then adding the celeriat remillard.

Yeah.

So there was mayonnaise on the side as well.

Yeah.

And, you know, she didn't mention it, but I know she's dipping that cheese and mayonnaise at the end.

One of them is those baby bells.

You probably peel it and it's just mayonnaise inside.

Just a big, a big glob of mayonnaise.

Yeah.

But look, broadly, a fantastic menu.

Yes.

And, you know, I didn't even get that angry at the lack of dessert.

Well, I'm glad you didn't.

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, I know that Jeff is in the same room.

Yeah.

Eating his body weight in meringues.

Yeah.

So I'm okay.

Big pink meringues and jelly and ice cream.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I loved that episode.

Do go and see Jenny on tour.

60 FFS XXL.

Yeah, 60 Plus FFS XXL.

That is touring now, that show.

And do listen to Jenny's podcast that she does with Judith Holder.

Older and Wider available wherever you get your podcasts.

We've been sent some food.

Oh, also, thank you, Jenny, for not saying it, Claire.

Oh, thank you, Jenny.

We've been sent food, Ed.

Yes.

And we'd like to say thank you for that food.

Yes.

Because it's nice of people to send us the food.

First of all, actually, thank you to the people at Roeby for sending me that food.

Yeah.

When I went in,

I did.

I very much enjoyed it.

Yes.

You know what?

I'm going to steal

that little trick of buying the chefs a a beer.

It makes you feel so good.

Yeah, that's great.

It's real class.

Because that's what you have to do in sushi restaurants, you know, in Japan.

Is it?

There's no tipping in Japan.

So the traditional thing to do is buy the chef a beer.

I love that.

Yeah.

I really recommend it to everyone listening.

If you like it and you don't want to go,

if you feel a bit awkward doing compliments to the chefs or whatever,

buy a round of beers for the chefs.

Also, sometimes you don't really know how they do the tips or where the tips go or anything like that.

So if you say buy the chef's a beer, there's a tangible thing that's going to the person that's cooked your food.

Definitely going to do that.

A lovely thing to do.

Yeah.

And obviously if they don't drink, you can buy them a ginger beer.

Yeah, buy them a ginger beer, a Diet Coke.

You know, I could keep listing drinks.

Yes.

We've been sent some coffee, James, from Round Hill Roastery.

I'm wide awake.

This, I mean, look, it's brilliant, the stuff that we get sent, because it gets sent to the studio, to the Ploisive Studios.

I'd say this is the most well-stocked podcast studio slash live promotions office in London.

Yeah, yeah, we have a lot to offer our guests when they come here, including the coffee from Roundhill Roadstery.

We also got sent some beers from Rooster Brewery.

Which I'm sure will get drunk at some point when we have one of our sexy late-night episodes, or more likely, the Implosive Christmas party.

Yes, or more likely, after a real tough edit, Benito will drown his sorrows on his own here.

Yes.

Talking to Toaster about us.

Yeah.

Dad, I'll appreciate my toast.

Also, thanks to the Derslade Farm Shop, James.

Oh.

Send us a lovely hamper of things.

I believe the things I took home were some chocolate-covered honeycomb,

which my wife ate.

She enjoyed it.

Some lovely granola, which I ate.

And also some negroni, which I'm yet to have, but I'm very excited by.

Thank you, Derslade Farm Shop.

All is forgiven for locking Harry Potter under the stairs.

Thank you very much for for listening.

We'll see you again next week, probably.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score.

and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies is coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At 7pm at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickity click click.

London, we're coming.