Ep 186: John Kearns

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast.

Taking the spinach of bad times, putting it in the pan of the internet, and shrinking it down to an itty-bitty bitty bit of bad time spinach oh i thought we see i i wasn't ready there because i thought you were going to add garlic or maybe you cream it up maybe i should have added the garlic of humour i didn't know what yeah

yeah you should have added there was no humor in it is this gonna be a humorless episode no i don't know it depends what form john's on but yeah you know i was just mainly i'm mainly focusing on we take bad times and shrink them down Yeah, yeah.

Because that's what spinach does, isn't it?

It reduces right down.

So this is what we're doing.

Yeah.

This is the off-menu podcast.

Ed as a Matri-D.

I am a genie waiter.

And we invite a guest every single week into our dream restaurant.

And we ask them their favourite ever start of main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is John Kearns.

John Kearns, one of the greats.

Fantastic.

We love John Kearns.

We were delighted to watch him absolutely knock things out of the park on his fantastic series of Taskmasters.

Well, no, he didn't knock things out the park.

Well, he was funny.

He was brilliant and very funny.

Yeah.

But everything stayed in the park he mainly knocked it directly into his own face yeah which is what we wanted to see yes but yeah he did most of it knocked directly into his own face and he's on tour at the minute as well he's on tour want to go and see him the varnishing days john has never done i was gonna say never done a bad show he's never done an all-right show he's he's always done fantastic a fantastic show and uh you you want to you want to get yourself along see john live i've booked to go and see him exciting it's doing a big show at the bloomsbury theatre i've booked to go and see that you'll be very excited.

I'll be there.

So listen out for Ed.

If you're in the Bloomsbury audience, listen out for that Ed Gamble laugh because he lets it fly.

I let that bad boy fly, especially when I'm watching John Kearns.

He's brilliant.

Yes.

But despite that, if John Kearns says an ingredient that we do not like or that we're not happy with or that we've just come up with randomly, he's gone.

He is gone.

And this week, the secret ingredient is...

Double

cheeseburger.

Double cheeseburger because John picked double cheese,

double cheeseburger for a task in Taskmaster.

So we're being sneaky here because we've seen him order it on TV before.

Yeah.

He was doing a task where

you could order any free items, didn't even have to be food, to use in the task without knowing what the task was.

And he thought of a double cheeseburger.

So this is when he has the choice of anything in the world.

So now we'd ask him just food.

This could very well be a kicker outer.

Yeah, it could be a kicker or outer.

But you know what?

If it is, so be it.

But I'd be sad to see him go.

Yeah, but also also, anyone who's seen him on the Taskmaster will expect him to get kicked out of this.

Absolutely.

This is the off-menu menu of John Kearns.

John Kearns.

Welcome, John, to the Dream Restaurant.

Oh, thanks, Family.

Welcome, John Kearns, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Thanks, Family.

Good to see you.

Let's see you.

Good to see you, John.

Yeah.

You look nice today.

Thank you.

You look nice today.

Thank you.

Rosy cheeked.

Well, look, rosy cheeked today.

Yeah, I feel rosy cheeked.

Well, it's because it's cold outside, I guess, isn't it?

So

it's the cold to the warmth.

This room's quite warm.

Taxi driver didn't have the heating on.

Yeah.

And then he was getting a phone call from his mate.

And he quickly had to get it onto his headphones.

But in between him having it like loud so I could hear his headphones, the guy was going

hate this job can't stand this job an hour taking me an hour

and he was talking his mate was saying that

his mate

his mate it taking him two hours the taxi driver the the taxi driver that you had wasn't shouting i hate this job and then immediately stopped speaking no taxi driver he was talking to his mate who was also a taxi driver right and he was saying you learned from your mistakes calm down did you know he was a taxi driver his other mate did he say that or did he say i hated his job because he could have been anything could be a lion tamer.

To be honest, he didn't ever tell me he was a taxi driver.

Yeah, you're assuming that.

But how would you be a lion tamer?

Hate this job.

Hate this job.

Took me two hours to tame a lion.

To tame a whole bunch of recording.

That's quite quick, though, isn't it?

Two hours.

Yeah, I couldn't do it.

No.

Not for a show.

The lion tamers, they get a 15-minute slot like everyone else at the circus.

So you've got to do it in a season.

They're not bringing in a new lion every day, are they?

I'd imagine they're pre-taming.

Do you know what?

Yeah, I guess the lion is pretty tame.

Yeah.

Because he knows the guy, you know, lion comes out like, oh, you again.

Yeah.

The lion's putting on a show.

The lion puts on the show.

Yeah.

He's acting ferocious.

But you never know when they could flip.

Siegfried and Roy.

Well, the lion.

Yeah.

I like watching those videos.

You know, when...

The tiger.

Siegfried and Roy.

Yeah.

The Sigfo can flip.

Sorry.

The tiger can flip.

I used Siegfried and Roy as an example of like, no matter how tame you got it, they are still dangerous animals.

But they're tigers.

They're tigers, not lions.

and i don't want people listening to this thinking that i don't know that siegefin roy used to train tigers and not lions

we'll get we'll get we'll get tweets yeah that's benito's time that's being taken up with those tweets oh i'm sorry what were you gonna say uh i like watching the the the the spanish guys get done

you know what i mean the bullfighters

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

you got i mean

i think you've got to be specific really that's when you know the guest is already friends with the podcast hosts and the producer and knows that he's going to be okay in the long run.

He can say this.

I like watching the Spanish guys get dumb.

They're going to save me.

They're not going to keep me out of dry here.

I'm all right.

Wait, so like, have you anyone, so someone who you've never met before?

So who's done the podcast that you've never met before?

Yeah, yeah, somebody took the time.

So would you have not picked him up on that?

What I mean is,

if I was a guest on a podcast and I didn't know the hosts or the producer, I would not be certain that I would be okay throwing that out.

Ed and I, no matter who the guest was, would we would

sort it out.

But if I didn't know him, I'd be like, if I just say I like it when the Spanish guys get done,

I would expect them, I would fear that they would go, um, okay, should we talk about food?

And move on.

Fuck, no, don't just put that out as it is.

I meant bullfighting.

Yeah, I meant bullfighting.

You know, when the ball just goes, yeah, sod this guy flips him.

Yeah, yeah.

And then all the crowd run up.

Where do they run?

The crowd run.

Are you now thinking about Pamplona and the running of the bulls?

Oh, no, no, no.

Well, that's when they're on the street.

Yeah, yeah.

People get flipped there too.

Yeah, watch that.

They get flipped big time.

Yeah, yeah.

You watch the latest Jackass film?

No.

Johnny Knoxville got flipped by a bull.

Oh, I saw that in the trailer.

Yeah, yeah.

Does he do that?

Is he doing that thing where he's running down the street?

No, no,

he's in a ranch in in a you know massive bullpen and they just let

they let they let the bull in and the bull is angry not been tamed and it goes through him like he's not even there like for like full speed.

Yeah, and he flips twice in the air, lands and then he's making gurgling grunting sounds because

he's swallowing his tongue.

Yeah, and he has to go to hospital.

Bad filming all that, yeah.

They're filming it.

Yeah, it's trackers.

They're rolling on it.

They're getting the footage.

But he gets stacked.

You'd love it.

Unless you only like seeing Spanish guys get done.

Yeah, he's not Spanish.

I don't know if I.

How old were you when Jackass was on?

12, 13, probably the first time around.

Teenager.

Was it on terrestrial television?

MTV.

No, see, this is, I didn't see this.

You watched Jackass?

I don't think I did.

Do you remember the first movie coming out?

That was a big thing.

Yeah, I remember the movie.

Yeah.

Did you like it?

Is it your sort of thing?

No, it wasn't my sort of thing.

I didn't like wrestling either.

No.

I liked kind of...

Quite different.

But you and your brothers didn't want to go and watch it?

I know you and your brothers were quite close growing up and running around together.

And like, I don't know if you would want to go and watch the Jackass film together and it would capture your imagination and you'd be talking about it afterwards, wanting to do Jackass stuff.

No.

I remember seeing

films I've seen with my brothers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I saw The Dark Knight, my brother.

Yeah.

I saw Hunchback and Notre Dame.

Yeah.

And I saw,

what was the film before Pirates of the Caribbean?

It was an amazing pirate film before the franchise.

It's not made by the same people, is it?

No, no, it's like a one-off film that kind of made a great, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Muppets Treasure Island.

No,

late 90s.

Absolutely incredible.

Went to that.

Absolutely incredible.

Oh, brilliant film.

Don't bother Benito.

Oh, I'm curious now about what big pirate film John and his brothers are.

Huge, huge, huge.

Babe.

Saw Babe.

That's not a pirate film.

That's not, it's about a pig.

That's not a pirate film.

Saw Babe.

Yeah.

Do you sometimes,

when you think you saw a film when you were young, do you, and you can't really remember the exact year?

And then you look it up, and then you kind of just imagine that

year.

What do you mean?

What?

What do you think, I mean?

Like, you know, you look up Babe.

It was 1996.

And then I just remember us getting in the car and going to my nan's for like a late night, 1995.

Oh, it wasn't my nan then who was that oh

oh no

that's a very precise

but she wasn't born in 95

but it would have been in 97 in 96 you're going to visit your nano my gun then well why is that out of the question then you were you were like 96 i'm probably going to my nan's 95 oh wouldn't it be my nan then what you're not born what's what's going on

my nan was born by 95 yeah or what why aren't you going to visit her but in 96 you are?

Weren't I speaking terms?

Maybe I was a bit cool.

By 90, you know, a bit like, oh, no, I'm out.

You were out in 95, but back in in 96?

No, no, no.

I was back.

No, I was in in 95.

Yeah.

I was happy to go see my nan.

Yeah.

Biscuit tin.

That's a neat name.

Telly on.

Nice and cozy there.

Nice and cosy.

What were you watching on tele

at your nan?

Do you know what?

I remember.

You know, like

the best room.

I don't know.

Maybe it's an Irish thing, but the front room of a house is like the best room.

So if they have guests over or something, my family have it as well, like this posh kind of room that isn't used.

But then when you're entertaining, this is the room that's used.

So for some reason, I don't know, my nan was in there with my mum, and I was on my own in

the back room where the telly was.

The worst room.

Yeah.

Put him in there.

Terrible room.

As soon as you get in, get in the back room, John.

I wanted to go to the back room.

Yeah, yeah.

That's where the TV was.

There's not a TV in the best room.

How's it the best room?

Oh, that's where you talk.

How can you call it the best room if there's an Italian in it?

There's a fire.

There's a real fire in there.

Oh, great.

And you talk.

You talk, man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But not, they didn't want to talk to you.

I was in the back room.

I was happy to be in the back room.

Yeah.

And I remember seeing the

Brasai,

the pedo one.

Yeah.

But I was at the age where I didn't understand satire or pedo's.

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

So I had no idea what I was watching.

Yeah.

Like, you know, proper taking it lit, taking every, imagine watching that and taking it

completely literally.

Imagine being all the rest of the family in the best room.

No idea.

I know.

Where's John?

And I had the volume down.

In the back room watching some comedy about pedos.

Yeah.

It takes value.

Well, sometimes my dad, I know he wanted a break, maybe.

You could see adults taking breaks from the best room, come into the back room, and you could see this is where they have a breather.

And they just watch a bit of television and they chat to you, and they have a biscuit or whatever.

And they've got to go back and chat.

It doesn't seem like it's the best room if people are having to...

No, but the best room, it's like this is where you have the best

best china, bowls of like, you know, crisps, fire, roaring, and it's where the talking is happening.

The adults are talking, you know what I mean?

Whereas I'm in the back room.

Watching a show about pedoes.

Yeah, and they're...

I didn't know what it was about.

I wasn't laughing, though, I remember that too much of being in the best room they're talking, I'll go and sit with John for a bit, yeah, not

to talk to him.

Honestly, adults they didn't talk to him.

I'll say this, it all goes over my head, that stuff.

What or humour or satire, or high satire, yeah, yeah, yeah,

is four lines not yeah, four lines is also

what do you think four lines is

in terms of humour, it's a funny show, it's a funny film, Yeah.

What like Robin Diggy Rapids, huh?

That's a funny film.

Yeah, sure.

It doesn't get any better than that.

It's still good.

Still quite good.

So funny.

Yeah, yeah.

What bit are you thinking of right now?

I'm thinking of so you're saying there's a chat.

I'm picturing him in his orange suit.

Yeah.

Wiggling his bum.

Do you know a bit I'm picturing?

Diarrhea.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The squeaky fart at the end that makes him laugh.

Yeah, the little squeaky figure.

My problems are always, you drop the salt.

It only chucks the salt pepper over his shoulder.

Oh, sure.

That's all we did.

It's supposed to salt shake over his shoulder.

I think that's the film I've seen the most.

Yeah, yeah.

I used to watch it all.

Could do the whole script.

Recorded it off TV.

Had to fast forward through the adverts every time we watched it.

Worth it.

You know, I saw it at a

sleepover, a mate's mate sleepover

and uh was it 12 was it a 12 yeah it was a 12 i think right i wasn't old enough to watch it when my mum picked me up i refused to say what film we'd watched and it like it just got weird obviously because i was just refusing to say it yeah and obviously

she just thinks what the she thinks you've watched porn john is what she thinks at that point she's thinking i'll get it out of him Surely no child can be comfortable with huge long silences.

She'd met a match.

Also, you didn't watch the same film as the rest of them you're in a different room you're in the back room yeah they were they were all sleeping having a big sleepover together watching dumb and dumber you're in the back room watching rescuers down under

great great film yeah yeah yeah yeah

beautiful uh beautiful beautiful music at the end yeah yeah

that's a stunning film absolutely gorgeous film yeah yeah I referenced it on Taskmaster.

They cut it out.

Oh, really?

Because no one understood what I was talking about.

I said the bit,

I was imagining the bit where,

you know, when he's climbing up the comb, the hair comb, to get into the bottle.

I don't know what he's doing.

Yeah.

He's a mouse, by the way.

I said I was trying to do that on a task.

No, everyone's looking at me like, what are you talking about?

When you asked if the TV aerial was a ladder.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I remember that.

One of many good questions you asked on the show.

My favourite question being, what if we don't get another go?

That's it.

Now, John, you're out.

What I don't get another go.

Nobody's ever asked that on the show, at least accept how TV shows work.

What I don't get another go.

No, you're on Taskmaster.

You're right, John.

Usually, let people have another go.

I don't know.

Let them have another go.

You're on tour, John.

Huh?

Yeah.

The vanishing days.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very exciting to be back out on the road.

I think so, yeah.

Well,

truth is i've i've sold some tickets yeah

i i as well you should um so i think that'll be uh

well that's different from last time

spice it up a bit yeah

people in the room yeah well it's exciting

yeah

a lot of people discovering you now uh you've been doing i'd say immaculate phenomenal shows for years and now they get to i'm excited for these people who get to see you for the first time and discover the world that you create on stage.

Fair to say, John?

A whole world.

I guess so.

I think, I don't know.

I don't know if you've ever worried about this.

Well, no, I think Ed, you probably.

You probably turn your response into worries immediately.

Yeah.

Well,

people get to discover your phenomenal, immaculate shows.

I'm worried.

No, like, I'm not worried.

Yeah, yeah.

But at the same time,

I am slightly different to maybe how I am on television.

Like, for example, Ed, I don't know, people listening to this, see you on telly, they go see you live.

Yeah, there's like a nice line there, there's a connect, there's a connect, yeah.

Yourself, James, uh,

you've played with character,

persona, dabbled, he's dabbled, yeah, yeah, yeah, big time, yeah,

even, you know, even your last show, which I saw,

you know, there's there's nice things being, you know, you're playing with nice things there

when it comes to

front

and then what's you know, what's in the uh, what's in the back, yeah, you know what I mean?

Yeah, it's a shop, yeah, it's a shop, you're like your shop, you're waving, you leave your door open, yes,

and you're stood at the counter, which is way back, and you're just waving, yeah,

and there's a there's a window open behind you, and it's a you know, and I could see, I can see the shop, you see straight through, it's like one of those Scandinavian kind of clothes shops where they sell like four white shirts, and yeah, lovely shit.

It's classy, yeah, yeah, yeah, and you know what you get, and it's just bang.

It's just good stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

James's shop, it's open, but the door's shut.

It's a fantastic front shop, though.

Yeah.

It's beautiful.

It's like Victorian almost.

Do you know what I mean?

Like beautiful shop.

You want to go in.

You're intrigued.

Yeah.

But what's in there?

You open the door, there's a little bell.

Didi, did you have a bell?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Little whimsy British bell.

They don't have that in America.

That's why they love you over there.

Yeah.

We're not used to the bell.

Your little bell when you're over the door.

They think that's me.

They think that's my thing.

It's not.

Ten a penny, man.

Door shuts straight, like it's got a snap to it, like a fire exit door almost.

Yeah.

It's quite scary, though.

Bang.

You're in.

Completely empty shop.

But then there's a door, you know, there's a door.

And then it's like, I don't know, it's like 2001.

Like, it's like, it's like a, what's that plinth thing in 2001?

It's like that.

And you walk towards like this orb.

Yeah.

You go in.

It ran out of steam, didn't it?

Well,

allow me to return the analogy.

What's my shop like?

The front looks like it's boarded up.

People are like, oh, is this a bit of a fixer-upper, I guess?

It looks like it's falling apart, but it's got some charm to it.

They open the door, everything's on fire.

I thought you were going to go like

a film set.

You open it and it's just like

it just falls down.

But you fit perfectly through the doorway.

But here's the thing with comedy.

Whose shop would I rather have?

I'd rather work in Ed shop.

I don't like my shop.

But

you have to have the shop that you have.

No, you never want to work in your own shop, though.

No one wants to work in their own shop because you've got to deal with all the you know all the tax and stuff.

Yeah, most go in someone else's shop.

Yeah, have a little browse.

It's like restaurants, like the restaurant near me,

they've just immediately there was a sign on the door going, we're a dark restaurant now.

What?

You know, dark restaurants where they just become takeaway only.

Oh, I thought you meant like one of the restaurants where you have to eat in the dark.

Yeah, that's a gimmick some places do.

The Japanese say that

harsh lighting,

no, low lights

cuts the app no is it is it uh is it bright lights or low lights?

Oh my god

Bright lights I would say

I've never seen anyone go into something so confidently and then fall apart so quickly because there was no like we're just talking about you're gonna be like oh about these dark restaurants or whatever and then right I've got something here.

Yeah, yeah, I do.

The Japanese.

Yes.

Ah, yes, Japanese.

And also I'd say, I'd say, if I'm starting any sentence that starts with the Japanese,

I damn well know where it's going.

I know where it's going.

Yeah, yeah, go on.

The Japanese, in Japanese restaurants, in Japanese culture, harsh lighting isn't a thing.

Japanese culture in restaurants,

harsh lighting cuts the appetite in half.

Low lights keeps you hungry.

So in this restaurant, I want the lights low.

I want little candles flickering around.

And I want to be in a little booth.

I I want the booth to be higher than my head.

So I can't see.

I hate the booths where you've just got head.

Do you know what I mean?

Huh?

You know, the booths.

You know, you get put in a booth?

Yeah.

But you can still see someone's head.

On the other side of the booth.

I know what you mean.

So you're sat and the booth goes up to your neck.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you can't stand that.

And sometimes if you're sitting, you might almost sitting back to back with someone else you don't know.

You just see these heads bobbing about.

If you put your head back, you could almost tap

someone else's head, couldn't you?

I don't want to see that.

I i want the booth where you're like bang you're like locked in yeah yeah yeah like uh there's a pub in northern ireland which has the crown yeah yeah yeah the stained glass booths perfect oh yeah yeah that's what i want i don't go there thanks to fucking phil wang what i was meant to go

went to do mastermind wang was on the the same day recorded as me different episode yeah

I was like, Wang, let's go out.

I found where they do the best seafood chowder.

Let's go there.

Afterwards, we go to the Crown.

That's meant to be great.

Comes out for the chowder, then goes, oh, I'm not going to come to the crown.

I'm going to go home and revise.

For what?

For Mastermind the next day.

Oh, my God.

I couldn't believe my ears.

I didn't want to go to the Crown on my own, so I ended up going back to the hotel as well.

But I was like, are you joking me, Wang?

You're revising.

He was like, yeah, I've got to revise.

Isn't the whole point of what you pick on Mastermind is that you know it.

Well, kind of, but people revise for it because they want to make sure they win.

But you win the same amount of money for your charity.

So as soon as they told me that, I was like, oh, I'm not revising.

So I didn't.

Did you do ice cream?

Yeah, I did history of ice cream.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

History of ice cream.

Didn't revise.

Absolutely.

You were terrified beforehand, though.

Really terrified beforehand because they make you feel scared.

Well, they play that music, don't they?

Well, the whole thing is like, apparently the guy who created Mastermind, he was captured during a war and interrogated, and that's how he got the idea for the show.

Really?

From that.

So it's all designed to make you absolutely feel just like panicked and anxious.

It works.

The whole day is like...

This isn't Humphreys zero, is it?

No, this is Clive.

Clive, oh, that's...

Well, I'd feel lovely, man.

I'd have comfort with Clive.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, oh, at least...

I wasn't scared.

At least I'm there now.

I'm not doing it back in the day.

Yours was...

Was yours food-based?

No, I did 30 Rock.

So I just had to watch that.

What did you both do?

I don't know.

Is it alright?

Second from last here?

I can joint second.

Phil Wangle.

Phil Philwang Higgins.

What was his?

New Zealand Wines.

Yeah, wines.

What's he got in front of him?

What's he reading?

Labels?

wine come on man what would your special subject be before we i don't know onto your menu you don't know do you know what no what i think i might well houses of parliament yeah you you were talking about houses of parliament you know shitloads about it no no no this is the problem this is this is what scares me about that show you think you know stuff yeah i think i know more than the average person about the history of the houses of parliament yeah but sat opposite clive

that spotlight on me i don't know i think i'm freezing you're gonna freeze just like you do the taskmaster that's what Munya said to you, right?

Every time you get asked a question, you

freeze.

Yeah, but yeah.

He did say that, but he said that's why I was funny.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, no one's disputed that.

He said, he said, we're laughing at him.

He said, you know why you're funny?

I said, no, I don't, Munya.

He said, because

when

you ask a question,

you freeze.

I'm in no rush.

I don't know.

What's the rush?

People constantly rushing to answer the questions.

Just chill, man.

Let it brew.

Let it brew.

Maybe Parliament or

maybe Lucian Freud.

I like it.

Really?

I didn't know you knew a lot about Freud.

Well, I'm interested in him.

When was he born?

30s.

Immediately he lost in last place.

Really?

You can't say that?

You got to do a specific year.

Well, no, because I think the question would then have to be, what year was he born?

Yeah, well, I'll get Clive to ask that.

You'll get Clive to ask that.

I'll go, I'll go, might have been 20s.

Yeah.

You'll say that.

I don't know what he is, bro.

You say, ask me roughly what decade he was born in.

Sure, that's kind of.

No, no, no.

But if I got a mastermind and the first question is, when was he born?

I'd be like, that's not why I'm here.

Like, that's route one.

Yeah.

I've just been revising.

I've just spent the past, since I was confirmed, probably someone's dropped out, so two days.

I've been cracking through that biography on double speed of the speakers.

Yeah, but what's the first on the first page, probably?

That's

100%

wrong.

You've never opened bog feet and the first page says when they're born.

No way.

I think it probably does.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

The last page isn't when they die.

That is not how biography works.

What's the first page?

Autobiography.

Huh?

What's the first page?

First page of a biography.

It's not by their ball.

What is it then?

It's not...

Do you know?

They always start with like a weird moment, like a thing that really sums them up.

Yeah, is that autobiography?

No, autobiography is autobiography.

You open it up.

The first chapter is usually...

why they're famous, why the person has bought it.

So if an X-Factor winner writes their autobiography, guaranteed you open the page it's about x factor chapter two three is about where they're born yeah i reckon birth date first page no that's wrong lucian freud uh was told to uh before he goes to a party have a wank in the taxi because it makes your eyes shine

right

I'm out of this job.

I hate this job.

It took me two hours to get this guy to stop wanking about my dad today.

Oh, yeah, yeah, he was angry.

So you telling us that because you think that's the sort of question that Clive Myrie might ask you.

What advice has Lucian Freud given about going to?

Make his eyes shine.

Have a wank in a taxi.

Make his eyes shine.

You would have a wank in the back of a taxi.

Come back, John.

That's not.

When was he born?

Fuck off.

That's not what I hear.

I'm not a dates.

Dates.

Come on.

Dates.

Look up the dates, Clive.

You can look up the dates.

That's not what I'm saying.

I'm not like a robot.

One last question before we get into talking about food.

Yeah, we should talk about the food.

If you were on Mastermind

and one of the people you were up against was a robot, would you complain about that?

Would you complain if you were up against a robot?

Well, I'm competing.

Who else am I competing with?

A robot?

Yeah, one of them's a robot.

Right.

So the other two people are Sheryl baker

and in for christie and then the fourth person is um an ai robot

um

well and everyone knows it's not like yes clearly a robot they're a celebrity because they're the first ai that's that could can pass the turing test wow do you complain and say this isn't fair or do you just go it's for charity who cares uh

I'm absolutely delighted to meet this robot.

Make sure I get a picture with them.

Yeah.

And I just sit back and wait.

They'll be able to do the dates, yeah,

but they won't be able to do the kind of you know emotion.

What

emotion?

Well,

that's never been one of the questions on Mastermind is: how do you okay?

Robot sits there.

You're the best contestant we've ever had on Mastermind.

Yeah, somehow I managed to get through 40 questions with you, and also your general knowledge is insane.

We got a 50.

You got 90 points.

Just sat there, bored.

No emotion.

Place erupts.

I'm probably on my feet clapping.

Just sat there.

That's where I go.

He can't enjoy it.

You know, we know a lot of people who have great success.

We all know very wealthy people.

But do they enjoy it?

So that's what I think when I see the robot be like, yeah,

you've beat me, fair and square.

I've never known.

Never let anyone get 90 in mastermind.

Yeah.

But you're just sat there, mate.

You're just waiting to to be taken back to your little box.

So I don't care.

You can have the win.

See what I care.

I don't care.

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Still or sparkling water is how we always start on the podcast, John.

As you take a swig of water there.

Tap, tap water, still tap water.

So in your dream, your dream meal.

Yeah.

You would like tap water.

I mean, you can pick it.

People pick it.

People pick it, but I'm just...

James has come out the gates very

conversational.

She couldn't believe.

It's too much fun for me to pick it up.

Yeah, I know.

My nan couldn't believe how much water me and my brothers drank.

Because you're watching all those pimp films.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

I just remember she'd like laugh about, she'd be like, I've never known children to drink as much water as you, you boys.

I don't think old people

She grew up in Ireland, like on a farm and stuff in like

the

1930s.

I don't think they drank much water.

I think it was like milk and stuff.

Yeah.

So, and also, old people don't drink a lot of water.

Do you know this?

No.

It's true.

You've got to get off.

You've got to get off.

You got to get old people.

Don't drink enough water because they don't want to go up and down the stairs.

It's true.

It's true.

And they get tired and they get dehydrated.

Yeah.

So

when she was laughing at us, going, God, you boys drink so much water.

I remember thinking, you need to drink some water.

How old were you?

10, 15?

But she would laugh about it.

Like, because we'd always have water with food.

And she'd be like, this is crazy.

She just wouldn't understand why we'd do it.

And do you still like water a lot as well?

Do you drink a lot of water now?

Well, I probably don't drink as much as I should, but then I always think I need to drink, you know.

If I'm feeling tired or anything, it's always, always water.

Yeah.

That really is.

Well, it's not always, but you know what I mean?

It's get a pint of water down, you're fine.

Peps you up.

I bought, I've got a nice jug that I might have put out, like, you know, with the meal.

Nice jug of water.

Have you got a jug at home that you like to use?

I've got four jugs.

Take us through them and run.

I've got a big, big jug like you might put squash in for kids.

You know, like one you might have had in the...

You know, when you were a kid?

Yeah.

And, you know, your mum had like a big jug.

Yeah.

And that was like a fun jug and it had like patterns on it stuff.

Yeah.

So I've got one of those.

Patterns on it.

Orange and lemons.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nice.

But that's too big.

I don't put that out for a meal.

That's too big.

Yeah.

If it's just me and my partner.

Like a mum's fun jug just for...

like events?

Well, yeah, it's a good question.

I rarely use it.

Then there's

a couple of other jugs in there.

Take us through them.

You know what jugs there.

Well, all right.

Well, there's a, there's a like, there's a nice kind of like looks quite Greek, you know, like white and blue.

Nice.

But I've never used that.

I'm trying to think why.

I don't know.

Would you put flowers in it, maybe, if you weren't using it for water?

Yeah, but the flowers have long stems, and I know you can cut them before anyone says anything.

And I did have a pink jug, a beautiful pink jug.

I don't know.

I guess a food podcast makes me think about my uh grandparents i suppose

but um my nan for um christmas growing up in ireland would get a jug of jam what that would be their present a jug of jam yes i don't know how big is this jug

um bigger than a jam jar well for christmas a few years ago before she passed

I bought her a jug and I went to a very posh place.

I didn't realise how much this jug was going to cost me.

My God.

and then I put a jar of jam in it

as in the whole jar or you scooped out the I put the whole jar yeah the whole jar in it you didn't pour the jam into it well I was thinking about that

it's not gonna be that much jam

anyway I washed my son's hair with that jug now

full disclosure I used to and then

I think

someone's broken it and isn't admitting it because I can't find this jug now.

Oh, shit.

And I've asked my mum, who went round when we were away.

I've asked Gabby.

Everyone's going, don't know.

It must be somewhere.

That's gone.

Someone's dropped it.

Someone's dropped it.

And he's not admitting it to me.

Yeah.

Because it cost me 50 quid for a jug.

I mean, Christ.

Yeah.

That is expensive for a job.

I didn't know.

Do you know what?

I went into the shop.

It was a guy, like, ceramicist.

He stood there surrounded.

And, you know, what?

You think, how much is a jug going to cost?

You're like, yeah, you're right, mate.

He's like, brilliant.

You like that?

Looks brilliant, mate.

Wrapping it up for me.

And then he tells me 50 quid.

And because he's like a little, tiny little shop just making his pots, what are you going to do?

What does the front of the shop look like?

Do you know what?

It's just a door.

It's white.

And then there's a little poster saying kids can come in and make pots.

So it doesn't really prepare you for the fact you're going to go in there and everything's really spending 10.

And spend 50 quid.

I tried to reason that, you know, it must cost a lot, but nah, he just probably sells one a week.

That's why.

so that's gone don't know what that is but you wash your kid's head with it yeah yeah yeah beautiful so pouring it over his head

your grandmother would get a jug of jam every christmas why why well

there's not a there's not there's not a toys r us in the in the west of ireland in 19

whatever year it was i don't know when toys or us was invented but

a jug of jam if there was a toys or us if there was a toys r us in ireland yeah in the 1920s they're going...

By the way, that's the second time on the podcast you've changed something from the 1930s to the 1920s.

They can't believe what they're seeing.

The giraffe.

I don't know.

I don't know.

They've probably never seen a giraffe.

Plus,

you think the giraffe's crazy?

Step inside.

Yeah, so it was a jug of jam.

You know, like in Christmas, you know, like Christmas, you know, like 1999 or whatever it was.

1985.

Yeah, whoever.

Do you remember, like, you know, they always do the Christmas is the best, it is what kids want.

Yeah,

the advert.

But like, no, that'd always be like the top-selling toy for Christmas.

It would be the one that everyone wanted.

So, like, so Telly Tubby's

Tracy Island,

Tracy Island.

30s Island, it was a jug of jam.

And it never changed for made a jug of jam forever.

I know, I was the first person to buy one.

Oh, you were doing it.

It's a lovely toy.

Oh, it wasn't lovely.

That shows I was listening.

Yeah, that's good.

I don't think she

can be ass with it.

Because, you know, she now knows toys are ass.

Chop Lewis.

She's seen the giraffe now, hasn't she?

Yeah, she's seen the giraffe.

She doesn't need a jug of jam.

What are you giving me a jug of jam for?

I had these back when there was...

It was shit back then.

No, but I bought...

What, you think I'm just buying...

Like a normal jar of jam.

No, I'm going.

How much does the jam cost you?

I think it was like a posh, you know, like a tip tree one.

Yeah.

Good stuff.

Yeah.

You know, like, you can sometimes find shops where they sell absolutely thousands of variations of raspberry jams and strawberry jams.

I bought one of them.

Strawberry?

Yeah, strawberry jam.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop logs or bread, John Cairns.

Poplums or bread.

Bread, please.

Can I have some bread, please?

Thank you.

Are you going to act it out like you're ordering it as well?

Yeah.

For the whole thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, great.

No, I love it.

Your little low-lit restaurant.

Hello there.

May I have some bread, please?

The bread I like is

it's like, well,

it's a focaccia.

catcher yeah yeah

sun-dried tomatoes and rosemary love it but I'd like it I'd like the one they sold in in Sainsbury's in the 90s oh yeah because I'm it felt when my parents were entertaining that was like the only time this bread would be out yeah

and it felt posh yeah it felt crazy it'd come out the oven warm is it the one that came in the foil yeah the foil tray yeah you brought it in the foil tray warm it in the oven yeah Yeah, I want that.

I'm fully behind this.

So far, all of your stories, I can't relate to any of them.

The good room, jugs of jam.

I don't know what...

This isn't my childhood.

I'm not belittling it.

No, I know.

I'm not poo-pooing it or dismissing it.

Thank you.

But I'm like, got to get my head around them.

The 90s for Catcher from Sainsbury's.

Yeah.

Coming out when the parents are entertaining.

Yes.

Absolutely my childhood.

I know the exact one that you mean.

Yeah.

And it was the first I'd ever heard of that kind of bread.

Yeah, I didn't know what was going on.

Yeah.

Very, I mean, my memory of it is quite doughy.

Doughy and oily.

Oh, it's oily.

And I, I mean, you know, I've never been a

thin child.

Or, well, thin adult.

Lots of.

Lots of butter.

Yeah.

So much butter on it.

You're buttering up the focaccia.

Christ, yes.

Oh, man.

I know.

My mum used to put butter on croissants.

I do that.

Well, I do that.

Now, if i'm having a croissant now

i'm block of butter croissant yeah i'm buttering up the croissant chunk by chunk jam yeah i do that straight from the jug

for a jam pour it over they should yeah they should sell jam in jugs instead of a jar why don't you put a little funnel on it anyway the focaccia from sainsbury's um but yeah i want it that particular one because you know my parents were very good at entertaining my mum was a really kind of good cook and my dad would do the bar my mum did the food the bar like yeah that'd be his job you'd get the bar going did he have like a little bar setup or do you mean he just did the drinks yeah he just did the drinks yeah i used to drink like canada but like you know they'd have like the thing and i used to like when they'd go out i'd like down like little canada dries thinking they were like alcohol ah so you thought you were i thought getting on it yeah yeah

they knew he's drinking of a canada dry again

they've all gone again

he's pretending to be

he's placeboed himself he's filled up he's filled him back up with water but he can't shut the can so it's an open can of water again

that's why that's why his grandmother thinks he drinks so much water he's put his pants on his head he thinks he's drunk

oh god

But yeah, I'd like that bread, please.

I want it in like a rattan wicker kind of basket with like a nice kind of napkin in the...

Now, was that that how your parents would do it when they were entertaining oh honestly they

I have strong memories of uh

of those nights where you know there's laughter there's music my mum does the spread the food

you know I don't know salmon beef bourguignon

perferals

prawn cocktails

Dad's yeah he's got the he's got ales lined up and they're lined up like in a you know like

the labels all facing the way and fantastic.

What I like about you,

I like a lot of things about you, John.

One of the things I like about you is how fond you are of memories.

Yeah.

The present for you is frustrating that you have to put up with it because it's not a memory yet that you can look back on and

refer to it in a way that's not.

You know what?

That's very, very astute.

Yeah, that is curious.

But

I think a lot of comedians think like that.

Yeah, yeah.

Because the dread of going to the gig.

You're thinking, I can't wait for this to be a member of the world.

In 10 years' time, you'll be talking about this, going, oh, I remember it.

Ed and James.

Yeah.

Sat there.

Benito.

Box of tissues.

Yeah,

and that's how you remember everything.

It's a list of like microphones, Diet Coax, happiness, talking.

But don't you think I still, but

we've all had this when you go past venues where you've gigged when you were younger or venues that aren't venues anymore i sometimes stand around them just you know walk and look up and picture you know see myself gigging all that yeah also you giving yourself the respect seeing your young feeling your younger self walking into that door doing a gig being absolute crap you're like where'd i get the balls to do that i think that bread choice yeah i'm very excited by that lovely because i distinctly remember that foil warm yes and you know i am i now i'd have it with a bit of oil obviously and all that but i want i want a big slab of uh anchor butter yeah salt salty i want it salty i want it hot i want it doughy

and uh you know i want to tuck in do you reckon you'd do the whole tray or are you sharing it with someone uh in my mind in this booth i think uh what's a good number i reckon i've got about uh i reckon i've got about uh four friends around me four friends any particular friends uh no

no no Just general friends.

In my mind, like, again, I'm trying to picture this meal.

They're just kind of like shapes.

Yeah.

I'm seeing kind of like heads fly back laughing.

Yeah.

Well, I'm imagining who I always imagine when it's on your stories.

Who?

Your brothers.

Always.

I imagine you were your brothers.

I don't know why.

There's something funny to me about you and your brothers.

I've never met them.

Have you?

Have you not met them?

But I love the stories that you have about you and your brothers.

You always just sound like you were running around the three of you.

Just like little naughty kids from the Beano.

I imagine you like the farmers from Fantastic Mr.

Fox.

Yeah.

Well, they're beautiful boys.

They are beautiful boys.

Yeah, yeah.

They're handsome.

They're handsome.

And yeah, we try and go for a meal every year.

I mean, seriously, it's nice that we all get on and have a nice time.

You know, you meet people, as you get older, you meet people that are like, I've got mates that don't mention that, like, you wouldn't even know they had a brother or sister.

So, I feel I feel lucky that we get on.

Although we did go to Hawke's Moor once and

didn't quite realise the pricing, how they did the pricing.

Seems to be a Cairns issue in general, doesn't it?

What a bit of patterns.

Not just going in, ordering, just taking what you want, and then finding out about the price at the end and getting really angry about it.

Acted indignant like

they lied to you.

The table next to us started laughing when we ordered.

And then the waiter walked off and they were laughing.

And I was like, Is there a problem here?

And they went, Do you know what you've just ordered?

We're like, Yeah, yes, thank you, yes, thank you.

What did you order?

What was the order?

God knows, but the steak was like flintstone steaks, yeah, like you know, yeah, car, car flipping over thing, yeah,

so I had to go up to the guy and went, Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got that wrong.

Also, I didn't like that wait.

I was looking at the waiter, like, you knew we got that wrong.

Did you order like three massive, like, yeah, yeah,

but you know, I didn't like i the waiter i thought do you know what mate you knew what we did there

like we can't afford that is you it's you and your brothers yeah they were laughing i thought yeah because i think i ordered it i ordered the two expensive steak but you're saying to the wait but then you know what it's like that kind of thing where you're trying to ride it you go yeah i know what i'm doing they go do you it's massive i'm like do you know what oh is it massive oh i actually didn't know that but you know what i'm having fun so sod it i'm having it but then there's like a another do you know what it is yeah yeah i've had steak before mate no but this is quite expensive you're looking at 70 quid steak well lucky me there's gonna be a day I can't afford that so why don't I tuck in now well I just don't think you can afford it as in uh I mean

stomach big wise like you can afford it but you can't afford it like health-wise stomach big wise big wise you can't afford it big wise yeah

he's on the piano

yeah yeah he's on the piano i don't know but anyway yeah and but the waiter he was he was naughty, kind of laughing, giggling away.

Couldn't have done that.

I'm a waiter.

I didn't know that you couldn't afford it.

That's what you're saying.

Yeah.

And then

it'd be like a cartoon where you've got to wash the dishes.

Yeah.

Because you couldn't afford it.

Do you think that's ever happened?

I'd love to do that.

Does that happen where someone can't afford the bill, so they have to wash the dishes?

Well,

you grow up thinking that.

Yeah, in my mind, that was the law.

You did grow up.

Like, that was the law.

Like, you could do that.

You could go and wash the dishes.

Turns out I can't afford that.

Get yourself in the kitchen.

You've got to clean every plate.

But also, there's someone in the kitchen.

I'd go to the Ritz.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Oh, pardon me.

I seem to have.

I don't seem to have any money.

Put these on, mate.

Here's some gloves.

Brilliant.

Also, there is a guy in the kitchen.

There is a guy in the kitchen doing that, right?

Yeah.

Who presumably is not being paid per dish.

So he's been paid all day.

He's happy to see.

He's happy.

He's great.

Well, I'd imagine if that system would work, he doesn't wash a plate all day.

Maybe he gets to go and sit upstairs and have a meal and have a meal, yeah.

Yeah, on you.

So the restaurant's losing money hand over fist here.

Yes, meal for the pot wash, meal for the person who's stolen one.

They're paying a pot wash all day, and then someone else gets a free meal.

A nightmare, yes, yeah, yeah.

In this restaurant, you know, big sign outside.

Yeah,

if you can't afford this, you're gonna be if you if you at the end, if if we give you,

if you order all that food and you get your receipt and you go, I don't have any money, then you're cleaning all the pots.

And so you hire the kitchen guy and then he gets to go upstairs.

There's a queue outside the block.

Also, people want the job because they're like, well, hang on a minute.

If you're hiring me to be the guy who cleans the pots, but...

People queuing outside are going to be cleaning the pots.

A lot of money being lost.

We arrive at your dream starter.

Yeah.

Now you've got your notes there on your phone because you're taking this seriously.

You're not messing around.

John,

this is twice now.

Oh, sorry.

Is it really?

I didn't mention it the first time.

It's these twice.

Twice that.

Twice now.

You've taken too big a swig at your water.

Like a massive swig.

And it is...

Cascaded out of your mouth, down your beard, and over your chest.

Now I know what your nun was laughing at.

It wasn't how much water you drank, it's because you couldn't get it in your fucking mouth.

First time, absolutely ignored it.

It was a mistake you did that.

Second time just then, it's the cup.

Not learning for the first time.

That's not straight, is it?

It's a glass.

We're drinking that the same cup.

It's a glass, it's a glass.

That's not straight, is it?

That's ben.

That's succulent.

Right, onion soup and a saucer of aubergine parmigiana.

What?

That's what i want please thank you sir thank you very much french onion soup french onion soup so croutons uh maybe there's a bit of white wine going on in there i don't know in the soup uh these onions have been sweated yeah and not i'm not talking like sweat five minutes hour there's one guy brown sugar he's fantastic in there i'd like to have um the all the All the doors open so I can see the chefs cooking this by the way.

Yeah.

I want to see them.

yeah yeah so you imagine that as the drama of it though the doors being open rather than being like an open plan kitchen no i don't want an open kitchen yeah i want the door ajar they don't know i can see them

do you understand yeah yeah so you're glimpsing you're glimpsing you're peeking rather than you want to feel like there's something illicit about it oh yes yeah yeah yeah yeah

you're peeking yeah onion soup croutons maybe the croutons have like Sometimes you go somewhere posh and they've got like cheese on them.

Yeah, I mean French onion soup quite often, there'll be cheese all over the top and it's gone in the grill so it's melted on top and then blimey that's good stuff there's cheese on top yeah all over it what like a web like a web of cheese over it well they just put the cheese all over the soup and like some of it will sink in and some of it will like melt

on the top yeah yeah yeah and then you pull it out and all those stringy bits of cheese and onion yeah yeah and also i've still got this basket of beautiful bread yeah you're dipping yeah and the the the basket is a uh

Yeah,

there's a hole

underneath the basket, so it's constantly refilled.

Oh, I thought you were going to do the popcorn trick on someone, but with a bread basket.

Popcorn trick.

Hand up the popcorn?

Nearly.

Knob?

Yeah.

Oh, my knob's going through the table.

What, in the bread?

Well, this is what I was confused about.

It's the only time I've ever heard anyone.

Knob's going through the table.

I wish.

And that's, where's my knob in the button?

You said he cut a hole in the bottom of the bread basket.

Which we still need to.

I'm putting a button on that to loop back to what you're talking about.

Put a hole in the bottom of the bread basket.

Cut a hole in the bottom of the bread basket.

And I've only ever heard people doing that with this disgusting popcorn trick where they cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn, they sit their knob through it, and then they offer someone some popcorn, and the person goes right down to the bottom bottom for the good stuff, and then

they touch their dick.

Popcorn's on the lap, yeah, yeah.

This bread basket's in the middle of the table.

I don't know what you're doing.

Maybe you're calling under the table.

My friends are getting a bit, they're looking for a little bit.

That's

okay, my brother

were fishing for a bit of

a grab my knob.

Yeah,

yeah, maybe you put some so-dried tomatoes on it to disguise it.

Yeah.

Rosemary.

John, so.

You know, you'd know my knob.

It's a low light.

It's not a low light.

Yeah, you can see that you would know your knob and low.

You're supplying into your hands there.

You can't see a thing.

You're increasing their appetite.

The Japanese say

that low light.

I can see why this is stressful now, actually.

Low light reduces your ability to recognise your brother's knob.

Yeah.

That's what they say.

Oh, good God.

The Japanese say if you turn the lights down low,

you're able to camouflage your knob in a bunch of things.

What if they're all doing it though?

As a lot of Picacha.

What if we're all doing it as a lot?

We've all thought it'd be funny to do it.

So

do you all do that at different times throughout the evening?

So all at once you go to do it and you have to stuff all of your knobs through the same hole at the same time into the breadfast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you're going jostling for position.

Yeah, but we don't know each other doing it.

And then at the same time

then you all meet for some focaccia and then look up and teach each other's knobs.

I mean best case scenario you grab your own knob right but yeah best case scenario yeah best case

best case you'd be relieved

oh you'd be relieved yeah anyway so yeah the bread's there so what do you mean point being get the bread dip it in the um in the onion soup yeah and then also if i know i do need to look back why does a hole in the bottom of the basket mean that the bread keeps refilling yeah yeah oh in my mind uh i don't know there's a baker uh below us just keeps funneling it up

okay so that's more realistic than what i was saying apparently

well yeah

yeah it would keep emptying surely

surely the bread rolls would fall up the bottom is what benito's saying is that if you cut a hole in the bottom there's a baker funneling them up but surely for catcher is going to be constantly tumbling back down the hole and blocking the tubes this baker's having a nightmare there's uh there's a port colourless

He releases.

So every time it's empty, every time the basket's empty,

he opens portcullis, shoves the brother up, shuts the portcullis.

You better put your knob in there if there's a portcullis.

But

really?

Yeah, be careful.

Be careful.

Be careful of the portcullis.

Yeah, you and all your brothers, the entire male line, dies in one night.

all the cocks in the basket

oh

and then a small side a little small plate of uh aubergin parmigiana yes please yeah just like a little just a little tiny like a little just you know the conversation's flowing uh you know we're dipping the breads bit of soup warming you know it's cold outside so we've come in low lights uh and the lights are red as well it's twinkly and nice anyway and then yeah yeah, aubergine parmigiana.

Very nice.

One of the best foods.

Well, I like making it.

Do you?

Yeah.

Take us through the recipe.

Yeah.

Okay.

Is it your signature dish?

One of.

You always used to ask people that.

You wouldn't say that.

You would ask people in the audience their signature dish.

Yeah, I would, yeah.

Yeah.

You get funny people saying toast, and you just move on.

You just move on from it.

Well, you're asking for trouble, John.

Yeah.

If you're going to put them on the spot like that, you're asking for trouble.

You're right.

Okay.

Slice the aubergine lengthways.

Oh, sorry, peel them first.

You peel them.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Do you?

Yeah.

Okay.

Why?

This Marco Pierre White video.

I'm just basically saying what he does.

Yeah.

Is he your hero?

I like him a lot.

Did you say he's your hero?

Uh hero.

Don't have heroes.

Come on.

You're John Kearns.

You've got heroes.

No, I don't have heroes.

Springsteen.

Oh, he's class.

Is he a hero?

Do you know what?

I think he's a hero.

He's the same age as my dad.

Have you seen the latest videos of him?

He's in a grey suit, quite quite shiny black shirt yeah he looks fantastic he does yeah and i i spoke to my dad about it and he went he looks great don't he and i thought he's a role model i think to like my dad like he's looking i reckon my dad's looking at him going

okay i can look like that let's go i hope when i'm 70 there's a guy i can look at and go

I want to look like that.

I want to, I want to.

Absolutely.

So in your fantasy here, you hope that when you're 70, there is someone you can look at and hope you'll look like them.

Not that you want to look like that guy.

No, I want to be 70 watching Telly.

And there's a 70-year-old on Telly.

Yeah.

And I want to go, I want to go out tomorrow morning and buy what he's wearing.

But why aren't you...

I think what James is saying is in your completely imagined fantasy here, why aren't you the guy on Telly who looks great that all the other 70-year-olds are looking at?

and thinking, I want to buy what that guy's wearing.

Yeah, you're saying your dad watches Springsteen on TV now and goes, he looks good.

And you've realised that Springsteen's a role model to him.

And you go Joe what I hope that when I'm 70 and I thought the sentence was gonna go I look as good as Springsteen but he said it was I hope I'm my dad watching Springsteen yeah going he looks good I hope I have a role model but 70 is like double my life 70 is 35 years time yeah yeah I'm not gonna be 35 years going I want to look like Springsteen people be like no but you might have there might be an equivalent though right so I'm saying there's gonna be some 70 year old out there why can't you be the why can't you be the equivalent in this fantasy uh I'm guessing because I'm thinking they they may be a rock and roll star or

a footballer or something, you know?

You never, who looks like a comedian goes, I want to look like him.

I reckon I can see it.

Joe Domett.

Joel Domet.

People want to look like Joel.

No, I don't want.

Do you know?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't want, I would never want to look like Joel.

Why the work?

What is Stag do?

He did a spin glass or something.

My stag do.

I want booze.

It'll be sticking a dick in a breadbasket.

35 years' time, I think there's going to be 70-year-olds out there going out the next morning and buying a wig and teeth.

Not the wig and teeth, man.

That's gone.

Denied.

Never mentioned again.

Out of my house if you bring it up.

Where are you dropping the wig and teeth?

Never.

Because I won't need it.

What do you mean, never?

You're getting rid of it.

You've got rid of it.

You're never doing it again.

I haven't got rid of it.

So why can't we mention it anymore?

So why aren't you saying it?

No, you can't.

No, no, no, you can now.

I'm talking about when I'm 70.

Yeah.

I don't want to talk about it when I'm 70.

Oh, yeah.

But you'll have the guns.

I want to make enough money where it's gone.

It's 50, that's it.

Comedy gone.

I want to go and do something else.

What?

I don't know.

Maybe like

build, like, build something in Ireland or something, build like a house or something, run a shop.

I'd love to run a shop.

Yeah.

Oh, genuinely.

I'd love a little book.

I'll tell you something, actually.

You could do that now.

You don't need to carry on doing comedy.

I like comedy.

I like comedy.

So, so much that you can't wait to retire when you're 50.

I can't wait to retire.

But you can love something.

You don't want to do comedy till you.

Are you two one of these people that wants to drop dead doing it?

No, I don't want to drop dead doing anything.

But like,

I would say

I haven't.

I want to drop dead.

I want to drop dead when I'm in, like, like I'm in bed and I'm comfy.

Yeah, it's not a drop then, is it?

You haven't dropped.

I don't want to drop dead.

I want to just stay.

Your drop.

So you got your head up at the time and then you die.

On my deathbed, I'll have my head up constantly.

Unsupported.

Yeah, very uncomfortable.

It looks very uncomfortable, yeah.

But just so they don't have to be a bitch.

We can try to shove pillows.

I'm like, no, no, no.

How do you know it's your deathbed?

So, how do you know you get into a bed and you're like, I'm going to kick my head up?

I'll definitely know.

Yeah.

I'll definitely know.

I bet you'll use the phrase a lot, won't you?

I'm on my deathbed now.

I bet you always say that to a lot of people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, I'm on my deathbed.

Yeah, that's my deathbed.

Tell my grandkids that.

Just hanging out on my deathbed.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Do you see my keys?

I think I left my keys on my deathbed.

Do you want to go and get them?

Go and get them for me.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm busy.

Is he peeling the aubergines?

Peel the aubergine.

Slice them lengthways, bit of lemon so they don't use their uh don't lose their colour.

Egg wash.

Um

I don't think it's breadcrumbs.

Hold on.

Flour, flour.

Marco Pierre White absolutely gets furious to this.

Imagine him on this.

You two would be shitting yourselves.

Flour, egg wash.

Leave them to drain.

Season.

Always season.

season.

You got your tomato sauce bubbling away there.

Am I missing something?

It feels like I'm missing something.

Still looking at bed.

No, I don't think I am.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, the Parmesan, yeah.

Right.

So, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What you've made so far is a fucking aubergine omelette, mate.

No, no, no.

Loads of fucking parmesan.

Layer it up and every layer parmesan.

Every layer parmesan.

Layer it up like a lasagna, like a jigsaw.

Tomato sauce.

So you lay it up.

Aubergine, tomato sauce, parmesan.

Layer.

Keep layering.

Layer, layer, layer.

You know, it's simple.

Low heat, bit of olive oil, break over some basil.

I'd like a little square of that with my onion soup.

Lovely.

Beautiful.

A great way to kick off the meal.

Yeah.

Thank you.

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Your dream main course.

So what I'd like, please, is could I have a medium rare steak, a butler's steak, with some chips, please?

And also

could I have some

champagne and chicken?

But

it's Pulee

champagne.

Right.

So the second course in a row, you've gone for two dinners.

I respect it.

I respect it.

Do you know what's happening there?

Yeah.

I'm thinking about this.

And I'm going, well, it's very, obviously, it's difficult to just get it down to one.

Yeah.

And I was thinking, well, you're a genie.

I don't know.

I can ask where you, you know, kitchens, they've got what

dream.

Yeah, yeah.

What's a butler steak?

Yeah, I've never heard of a butler steak before.

It's a flat iron steak.

So it's from the shoulder.

So it's quite lean.

Yeah.

Why is it called a butler steak?

I think it's what the butler ate.

Like, you know, like, like, he gives he's, you know, serving all the stuff.

And then at the end of the shift, when they've all got, I don't know, sirloin or ribeye, he goes down and has a little butler steak.

That's like the chip.

I guess like a cheaper cut.

Cheaper cut, but very flavorful.

Quick, quick, very quick.

Quick.

Yeah.

Shoulder, so nicely marbled.

Yeah.

I'd like that.

And then the chicken and champagne,

it's the sauce that I want, really.

Yeah.

You know,

you know the sauce cream champagne mushrooms and chicken sure

yeah yeah my god that's so nice i'm dipping the chips in that little uh champagne sauce do you want do you want the chicken as well or do you just want the sauce for me yeah i'll have the chicken i don't care maybe chicken legs thighs chicken thighs and legs little um the thighs on the leg what the yeah What those little like, they look like little onions.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I know what you mean.

The tiny little ones.

I don't know what they're called.

Yeah, they're scattered around.

Nice acidity.

Yeah.

Got that meat.

It's on a little plate that's sizzling.

It's one of those hot plates, maybe.

Crystal salt.

Heavy salt.

I need heaviness on there.

Medium rare, please.

Thank you.

Do you not worry with a hot plate that you have it cooked to medium rare?

And then if it's sat on the hot plate, it's going to overcook.

Well, maybe I'll order it rare.

And then just let it.

Yeah.

So the plate's a deal breaker is what you're saying.

You have to have the hot plate.

No, actually, you know what?

It's not the plate.

Take away the plate, please.

Thank you.

Do you want the chips in like a separate dish that's hot?

I want the chips in like a tin, like

a round.

I want them pointing up.

Yeah.

I know what you mean.

Like a metal cup, sort of, almost like a little cocktail shaker.

Yeah, I want the chips pointing up.

The chips pointing up.

Why?

Why do you want them pointing up?

I like grabbing them.

Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Imagine a plate of flat chips.

When was the last time?

Actually, I'm saying this, but when was the last time you went to a restaurant and the chips were laid on their sides?

That feels like someone you had, like, when you went around to a pet mate's house when you were like 10.

I guess that happens quite a lot, actually.

Yeah, but I sort of know what Job means.

It's rare to go.

Imagine going to a chip shop, like a traditional chip shop, and they gave you the chips and the chips are up.

All facing up.

You'd go, oh, this isn't why I'm here.

Yeah.

Chips, steak, chicken champagne, bowl of that going on.

Maybe there's some potatoes in there, some new potatoes in there.

Seasoned.

It's all seasoned fantastically.

No salt and pepper on this table.

Yeah.

Don't need it.

I don't need need that.

No, no, no.

And then I'd like a little side of cream spinach.

Is this for your dream side dish?

Oh, sorry.

Do you ask?

Do I have to wait for you to dish?

No, no, no, you don't have to.

I was just checking that this was all.

This is a separate thing.

Well, a spinach as a main is a lot.

Yeah, yes.

But

with your two dinners, you've already got.

I'm not sure.

I'm not the first person to order two dinners, am I?

No, but I'm just saying for me to assume that this cream spinach was also part of your main course wasn't that outlandish.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm just checking, just clarify that that was.

Okay, fuck it, yeah, it's part of my main course.

I don't care.

No, no, no, no, no, not if it's your dream side dish.

I'll tell you what's happened here.

We made up some valuable time there with John throwing in a side dish

straight away, and now you're filling that time by asking more questions about it.

Yeah, yeah, the listener won't know this.

We've been recording for about an hour and 45 minutes so far, and we've just finished the main course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're in trouble, we're in trouble, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's big trouble when he has to edit this.

Yeah, I'll tell you where it does the fantastic cream spinach, John.

Where?

Hawksmoor.

Yeah, they do.

Heavy, heavy cream.

Yeah, big cream.

They call it in America, they call double cream heavy cream.

Imagine if that came up in your general knowledge round, masterminds.

What do Americans call yourself?

Double cream.

Heavy cream.

The robot there.

Yeah, robot cream.

How did he know that?

Yeah, robot starts malfunctioning.

Yeah.

Eyes flipped at the back of his head.

Yeah.

Smarts fired.

Yeah.

A guy sat in the uh in the audience, like the cheating wife.

The copper.

The coffee.

Millionaire.

Yeah.

Robot can't hear.

Robot's going.

Programmed here and cough.

Oh,

my other nan, she had

a great vegetable patch.

And growing up, all I'd eat is spinach.

Yeah.

Oh, my goodness, me.

And nothing has ever tasted...

Again, I know I keep talking about grandmothers and food, food but it's just such a visceral thing in my life my nan's spinach you know and you think how did it taste so good it's always because it's just absolutely loaded with salt yeah yeah yeah but I remember going to my other nan's and I just had a relationship breakup and she I was we're back to the first nan now right it's not like a Milton Jones thing where you've got loads of nans

yeah I've got two nans two nans

she made me this ham sandwich and to this day I'm like what the f was going on with this ham sandwich it was just just mayonnaise

ham lettuce white bread i was very upset that day and to this day i'm like that was one of the best sandwiches i've ever had in my life probably because it was loaded with salt and also i was sad

and your tears if you're sad have more salt in it than happy tears apparently

so

what's what's the point that you what's the point

are you saying

that you cried onto the

you cried onto the sandwich and that made it salty?

Or are you saying you cried all the salt out your body so the ham sandwich is replenishing it?

Great question.

Well, you should know.

Well, I don't think I was crying eating it.

So I think I'd cried all the salt out.

Yeah.

And so that is probably what it is.

Yeah.

That is exactly what if you're sad listening to this, or if you're upset

and you've just cried all night.

Have a really salty ham sandwich and you're gonna feel great.

Yeah.

It's true by the way that your tears uh yeah, your tears are salty.

How is it true?

I don't know how anything's true, but it's true.

There's other people you can ask why it's true.

I don't ask them.

The robot.

The robot wouldn't I?

Yeah, the robot knows, but his his head's falling off.

He's not exactly uh fit to ask answer that question, Clive.

Your nan's like, what, putting extra salt in the sandwich?

You're saying it's like mayonnaise.

People fucking Salt.

They load everything with salt because they can't taste anything.

I've not made that up.

So they're doing that.

Have you seen old people put salt on food?

And they're not drinking water.

Yeah, but I was just checking.

Oh, yeah, that's what I said.

You've got to drink water.

I'll admit I've never seen an old person salt a sandwich.

No, personally.

My nan would, with her meal, salt it and then put salt.

like a sauce in the corner.

Salt sauce?

Like salt it.

Yeah.

And then in the corner, do a little bit of like like a little pile of salt and she what she would she dip it in dip it in i don't know eat it have you not this is not a thing do you know what you're you're all looking at me like this is mad yeah yeah i've never thought you haven't spent any time she was 93 by the way when she passed yeah yeah they love salt it makes sense because they can't

my partner her nan was 102 she got dominoes for her birthday Because that's loaded with salt.

She's going, I can taste this.

Oh, pizza.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, old people thought dominoes on the pizza.

I honestly thought, yeah.

She's not eating dominoes.

No, no, but I don't think

it.

I didn't think you said she got dominoes for her birthday.

Ed and I thought the birthday.

Food podcast.

Dominoes.

Yeah, but it's not.

It's not unlike you to just say something completely out of the fucking blue halfway through a sentence.

Yeah.

We thought.

Old people eat salt.

They load it with socks.

They go.

Your taste buds go.

You know this.

102-year-old ate a dominoes pizza.

Yeah, and the guy did 102 on the pepperoni.

He did.

did ask gabby this isn't my story she's got a picture beautiful

your dream drink john yeah this is uh you know it's pretty straight back this it's just kind of lager and i was genuinely went on the sainsbury's website and just scrolled down the beer to see what they sell and i was thinking what do i like and i kind of i don't don't know, I like it all.

Have you ever had Pacifico?

Yeah.

That's nice.

Yeah, Pacifico is good.

I was scrolling and I went, I haven't had that for a while.

And it was out of stock near me, unfortunately.

And the label has like the O is like a little

lifeguard rubber ring thing.

Yeah.

Do you know this one?

Yeah, I know that one.

So it's Mexican, it's crisp, it's light.

And I thought that might be quite nice with this meal.

But it's bring your own booze, this restaurant, though.

So I've got like bags of it around me.

but you know it's the dream restaurant as well so we can get you can have as much of it as you want we can we can send it up the tube same you could have as the bread you could have a little uh tap at the table if you wanted yeah that I'd like a tap at the table yeah actually no no no no no no no no I don't want a tap at the table I want the guy to bring it to me yeah and I want him to like slide off the foam oh it comes in bottles I suppose I want to see him like cut the bottle off like with a knife or something like a champagne bottle yeah but with a bottle of Pacifica

Well, he's already done it with the champagne.

Through the door, I saw him do it with the chicken and the champagne.

Yeah, yeah, you were looking.

This guy does it to everything.

The idea that a chef would do that to a bottle of champagne for a dish, but in a closed kitchen.

Just completely pointless.

The only reason to do it is to show off.

Completely pointless.

I'm right, gotta open that champagne, get my sabre.

She really pointless.

I hope no one saw that with the crack in the door.

But you know, like, drink-wise, you know, we'll come on to this, but I'd i'd like a black coffee to end the meal black americano yeah and i'd like maybe a little cognac with the receipts yeah yeah yeah we can do that yeah like a remy remy martin yeah when i was uh

memory coming up yeah here we go john's looking down which means

he's he's looking both wistful and distressed at the same time

he's delving into his memories

yeah

when i was think 13 i got badly sunburnt.

Yeah.

And France holiday.

Like a haven.

You know, the country.

Yeah, that's what we did.

And we went to Remy Martin.

We looked at the Remy Martin, what do you call it, factory?

Yeah.

It must be a

distillery.

Is it?

Cognac.

It was posh, man.

Yeah.

Man, all the barrels.

Anyway, I got really badly sunburnt, but like bad.

Yeah.

Like, I'm talking on my shoulders, I'm talking nearly having to go to the hospital.

Yeah.

All peeling and

not even that.

yeah.

I mean, I generally won't go into it, blisters, like bubble wrap, yeah,

or bad.

I mean, I honestly think back to it and think that was horrific, yeah, yeah.

But my uh, family we used to go on holiday with, he uh, he saw I was in pain, man, I was fucked, and yeah, I was young, he had a little hip flask, and he went, just have a swig of that Remy Martin cognac, little bubble rap boy, and oh, I was, I was,

that was it, oh, it was like you're You're like, this makes Canada dry seem like a soft drink.

Wait till I write to those Canada Dry Bozos.

You need to up your games.

Ever heard of Reme Martin?

Haven't been at your factory, losers.

And weirdly, I bought a bottle of it.

I was walking down the aisle of Sainsbury's maybe a few months ago, and it was on offer.

And I was like, I'd like to have that at home.

I don't really drink at home too much, but it's still in its box because I'm not entirely sure when I'm going to open it.

Yeah, when do you crack a bottle of cognac?

I guess it's.

I know.

Next time you have sunburn, I guess.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If we have another 40-degree day,

I'll go for a walk.

I'll come back and have a bottle of cognac.

So you can have a little cognac with the bill.

That's lovely.

Definitely.

With the motorcycle.

Yeah.

Or bill.

A bill, yeah, with the bill.

Yeah.

And the bill comes in like a nuts.

They don't often bring things with the receipt.

no yeah they do like uh imperial mints that's with the bill that's with the bill huh that'd be with the bill yeah after eight with a bill yeah not with the receipt no they bring it with the receipt no because the receipt they're like thank you

after eights with a receipt see you later jelly beans jelly beans who brings it where have you been that gives you jelly beans with the receipt bannerman's in the crouch end Bob Dylan went there once.

Well, all right.

I'll call Bob Dylan and say, what did they bring you with the receipt at Bannerman's?

Do you mean?

Well, this is my bad.

Oh, that was good.

That was good.

That was good.

Part of myself there.

Well, you know, I can do what I want.

Yeah, with the bill comes,

no, nothing with the bill.

With the receipt, nice cognac.

See you on your way.

Done.

That's your dream.

Because it doesn't happen anywhere else.

And the black coffee after that.

I'd like the black coffee with my dessert, please.

Okay.

Before we do move on, even though we should move on, but there's been a lot of references to Sainsbury's.

Growing up, Sainsbury's.

massive now sainsbury's sainsbury's massive in my life am i sensing a loyalty there to a child

when when i moved from my last flat which was nearer sainsbury's one of the biggest things i was kind of worried about was that the new flat wasn't nearer sainsbury's and i was like i know my way around it i trust the brands yeah i just trust it and i know it and i like it and i like the orange

i don't know what it is i just growing up we drive to streatham sainsbury's and I knew my way around that place like the back of my hand.

Yeah.

Were you at Sainsbury's house?

Yeah.

We were right around the corner from a Sainsbury's.

Went there all the time.

The biggest thing for me, moving to London for the first time, was that there wasn't Sainsbury's anywhere near me.

And Morrison's on my doorstep.

And adapting to a Morrison's was hard.

You have to adapt.

I didn't like it.

I didn't like it.

And I still don't like it.

I still...

We were at Tesco's house.

You're Tesco.

Well, we were at

home, Tesco's house.

I knew Wimbledon, right?

Yeah.

Which Tesco?

I'm not sure, to be fair.

It's a Waitrose now.

There's a Waitrose in Rains Park now.

So then we became a Waitrose household.

Yeah.

And now I'm a Cardo boy.

Are you?

Yeah.

Is that M ⁇ S?

Yeah.

But it was Waitrose and then M ⁇ S bought it.

So I've been Waitrose and M ⁇ S.

I go to M ⁇ S for like yum yums, Percy Pigs, little treats,

chocolate pretzels, that stuff.

I take my son, if I can, I put him in the trolley and we whiz around Sainsbury's.

I make sure he gets to run around by like the dog food because there's it's not busy around there.

Also, he can point at the dogs.

And he saw a guinea pig the other day.

He's looking at like the guinea pig food.

Yeah, he was looking at me like, What the hell is that?

I was like, that's a guinea pig.

And there's no one in the aisle.

Whereas you can't get him out in the like veg aisle or the

dairy aisle.

Crazy visit.

You've got to get him down that aisle where, you know, like kitchen roll and he just runs around there.

Yeah.

Sainsbury's love it love the car park love uh the branding feel very safe in there the uh sainsbury's car park in ketrin one day out of nowhere these blokes showed up in high-vis and started um offering people to wax their cars for them

and there was yeah and so and sainsbury's didn't like it they were like what the but they were having trouble shifting them and getting rid of them

And at the same time, my mum, who's a keen bird watcher, loves birds.

There was this rare bird that had suddenly turned turned up in the car park.

What the fuck is happening there?

It's called a wax wing.

That's what it's called.

John, this is what it's like talking to you.

No, it isn't.

Surely not.

And

my mum was really excited about it.

The bird's called Wax Wings.

The wax wings.

And she would talk about the wax wings all the time to us.

It was like there was a period of her life where she was obsessed with these wax wings in Sainsbury's car park.

That's all she would talk about.

The most fun kind of like interaction I've watched with my mum in terms of like misunderstandings in her life was when she was paying for the shopping at Sainsbury's and said to the lady at the counter, have you seen the wax wings in the car park?

And this lady was like, yeah, can't bloody get rid of them.

And she was like, oh,

I wouldn't want to get rid of them.

They're beautiful.

And so she was like, what?

She's like, yeah, I've been coming down and watching them just like, even when I'm not shopping.

And I'll just come down and sit and watch that.

I just watch them.

Go about the car park.

They're lovelier and you don't always get them in this part of the world either.

So, so nice.

She's like,

Right, well, we're trying to get them out of the car park because they shouldn't be here.

And I'm like, Oh, I hope you're not.

I hope you don't get them out of the car park.

Please, you must encourage them.

They're so lovely.

I love looking at them.

And then on the way home, I had to tell my mum, she thought you were talking about those guys who waged the car.

We get onto your dream dessert, John.

We know that you're having a black coffee with it.

Please.

Thank you.

A baclava.

Oh, oh, hello.

Lovely with a black coffee.

Yes.

I'd like a little plate of...

Now, you can get different types of baklava, obviously.

What I want in my kebab shop, local kebab shop, they've got little tubs of baklava.

Four-piece.

Yeah.

This thing, I don't know if it's because it's hot in there or I don't know how long it's been there.

The syrup.

It is loaded with syrup.

Well, that's, I mean, most baklavas, it's just...

Well, they are, but you can get ones where they're like really dry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want this thing dripping.

Yeah, and I can tell when I order it, they know that I know.

Yeah.

Because, like, nobody's ordering that.

They're getting kebabs.

I'm ordering a kebab, but I also go, can I also have a baclava?

And they just look at me.

My friend and I call the kebab shop owners our boys with tongs.

Your friend and you?

My friend Ian and I.

And when does this come up, this phrase?

What do you say?

Shall we go and see our boys with tongs tonight?

Yeah, like if we're meeting up, it's like, do you think we might maybe be popping in to see our boys with tongs?

And then maybe, you never know, maybe.

And then when we go in and we see our boys with the tongs, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, like little lobsters.

They're snapping away, working hard.

The main guy, he runs a tight ship in there.

But those little baclavas,

crucially,

I'm going to say a kebab shop baclava.

Sometimes you can get one where there's there's too much pastry or the pistachio is a bit crumbly.

I don't want any crumble.

I want drip.

Yeah.

I want it.

It's like it's very naughty, by the way.

I'm not eating this every month.

No.

It's a very naughty treat.

Why is it so naughty?

I think you could have it every month if you wanted.

Well, I have other stuff.

No, I'm not.

I like, you know, biscuits,

biscuits in the house.

Yeah.

It's a nightmare.

I just like that.

I like it oozing with syrup.

Yeah.

Chewy, nutty.

And then I'd like one of my mum's proffita rolls.

There we go.

That's the second thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought we got away with one thing there.

Yeah, I thought it sounds weird.

Imagine a lovely little plate.

All he's added to this is a black coffee.

Oh, no.

Black coffee.

A square of baclava.

Yeah.

And my mum used to make her own profit rolls.

Yeah.

And, you know, me and my brothers would fill.

One would do the chocolate, one would do the cream.

The other would pile it up.

That's nice.

One would cut a hole in the bottom.

Yeah, she'd do that.

I think she'd do that.

Two of the prophetic rolls would look a bit weird.

Oh, no.

There was a moment I didn't realize what you were talking about then.

And then all of a sudden, an image came in my head of a lovely bowl of profiter rolls.

But then for some reason, me and my brothers, our heads are like just above the table.

Like, what are they doing?

Then I scanned across at three,

I don't know, they don't look like profiter rolls.

They're moving, quivering.

Well, I'm thinking it's more like if it's you and your brothers, I think there's more like there's six perfetterols in there that look weird.

Yeah,

yeah, because you've only popped your balls in.

I disguise them as profiter rolls.

Well, so there's chocolate on them.

Yeah, yeah, it's less hassle.

There's no point trying to put them into the profitterol.

You may as well just put chocolate on your balls.

Don't put your knob in there.

People won't mistake that for a profitable, but if you just put the balls in,

people might think that's a profit roll.

So we've got our balls in now.

Just your balls.

I went to Florence on my own once.

I went to a posh restaurant on my own.

They served profiterals.

And the guy brought them over and there was no chocolate.

And I just started eating them thinking, oh, I guess this is how they do it here.

I don't know.

Also, I'm wondering if I've read the menu right.

Bang.

Door opens.

gold vat of chocolate and he scoops and he just pours it all over all the restaurant looks at me like this great spectacle fantastic so i think actually what i'd like is a clava yeah and then through the restaurant into the kitchen i can see uh my boys with tongs very happy to have that that i'm having this yeah and then a plain profitrole

stuffed with whipped cream and then a beautiful goblet of hot chocolate comes and it's poured over it for me.

Great.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

Water, you would like tap water in a nice jug.

Pop-ums or bread, you want 90s for catcher from Sainsbury's with anchor butter.

Starter, French onion soup, and a saucer of your homemade aubergine parmigiana.

Main course, you would like a medium rare butler steak with chips and poulet champagne.

Side dish, creamed spinach.

Drink, Pacifico lager from Sainsbury's.

Dessert.

Baklava from your boys with tongs, a black and merricano, and a plain profita roll made by your mum with a massive load of hot chocolate poured on it from the guy who comes out the kitchen.

And then, with the bill, sorry, with the receipt, you would like some cognac with the receipt, with the receipt, not the bill.

No, because the bill, that's painful.

Because even though this is my dream restaurant, I'm still paying for some reason.

Yeah, when you see the bill, it just says nothing, it says

for free.

What does the bill look?

Oh, really?

Is that what it says?

But how are you getting a receipt if you've not paid for it, though?

I'd like to pay.

Okay, okay.

No, I'd like to pay.

I'd like to pay for the table.

It's a treat.

When you've got money, spend money, because there'll be a time you can't afford this.

This is on me.

Just remember it, because there might be a time that I say, could you take me out for dinner?

I'm a bit.

So at this moment of time, I'd like to buy this for you.

It's a lovely way to round off the evening.

It's really nice, John.

Well, thank you for joining me.

It's been a fantastic meal.

Let me set myself up and we'll uh yeah just don't eat that last bit of bread.

Thank you very much, John.

There we are.

John Kearns.

John Kearns.

Listen, I loved it.

What a journey it was.

Bit rude at parts.

We apologise for John being so rude.

So rude about it.

Trying to steer him away from it.

Popping his penis in the bread basket with his brothers.

Oh, it was appalling.

Cramming their penises into the bread basket all together with the balls.

Disgusting.

Disgusting.

That's what happens when you have John Kearns on the podcast.

If you love rude humour, you should go and see John on tour.

He is

not rude at all, actually.

He's doing a show, The Varnishing Days, on tour now.

Go to his website to buy tickets.

It will be fantastic.

Very lucky if you do get to go and see.

And also, thank you, John, for not saying the secret ingredient.

Thank you for not saying double cheeseburger.

Although, the more I thought about it, the more I really want a double cheeseburger right now, James.

Yeah, and it would have been a very unfair one to kick someone out on.

Yeah.

You know, because that's a popular dish.

Delicious.

Isn't it?

It's not like, you know, I mean, unless you're a vegetarian and vegan, you know,

otherwise, everyone likes a double cheeseburger.

Hey, you can get veggie and

get veggie and vegan versions of double cheeseburgers, James.

Do you know what?

They're delicious.

You know what they are.

Yeah, you know, and I get very excited when I have a good one.

Yeah.

John also has a podcast called Microscope, James.

Yes.

It's one of the ones where Benito cheats on us.

Yes, it's one of, it's the Bonito Cheeto.

It's John Kearns and Matt Ewens do a podcast together called Microscope.

Two very funny men.

An impeccable producer.

Oh, my God, the producer.

Yeah.

Well, that podcast needs a producer because John and Matt are both absolutely off their knackers.

Yeah.

I mean, we must seem like a picnic in comparison.

We are, I guess.

Yeah, yeah.

Thematically as well.

Yes.

Tired now?

Oh, we're both quite tired, actually.

Oh, I'm going to New Zealand and Australia.

Right now.

April and May.

Yep.

So come along and see me there if you'd like.

It's a hot ticket.

Edgamble.co.uk for tickets and details.

And there will be mood stuff in those shows.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September at 7pm at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickety click click.

London, we're coming.