Ep 187: Lily Allen

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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We're doing more live shows there next year.

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Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, opening the dry roasted peanuts of conversation, digging in the fingers of humor popping them in the mouth of the internet and licking off the dust of podcasts that is a gamble my name is james a customer we own a dream restaurant because you get dust on your fingers invite lick it off a guest in every single week and we ask them their favorite ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is Lily Allen.

Lily Allen, brilliant musician, actor, all sorts, multi-hyphenate.

She's done it all.

And we're very excited to have her on the podcast and especially excited because she's got a tv series out now a comedy a sky original comedy no less dreamland also starring freema adjuman fantastic casting this thing kyell smith bino's in it as well you're very good at promoting stuff i i you saw that i was i was flagging there floundering as per yes but here i am yes the hero professional job Gabby Best is in it as well.

Yes.

Also written on it.

Gabby Best is our hero.

Gabby Best is our hero.

The best, Gabby.

Very excited to speak to Lily Lily about this show.

Yeah.

She's also got a play coming up soon.

No big deal.

The Pillow Man.

You know, she's busy.

What can I say?

But she's carved out some time to come and speak to us about her dream meal, James.

Yes, which we appreciate very much.

However, even though we appreciate it, if Lily says a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will have to kick Lily Allen out of the dream restaurant.

We're booting her.

Back into the streets of LDN.

And this week, the secret ingredient is apples.

Apples.

Now, there's a Lily Adams song called Apples.

And we, every time someone comes in who's had a music career, we always praise the gods when they have a song that is simply called a food stuff.

Yep, and then we can do that.

Yeah.

So what I'm going to say, rather than apples as an ingredient, we'll go for just apples.

Apples.

An apple.

Yeah, if it's a course.

Yeah, if Lily wants an apple as the starter, dessert, side dish, whatever.

Yeah.

I mean, quite frankly, even if that wasn't a secret ingredient, if someone said apple, they're getting kicked out.

I think they would deserve that.

Yes, for sure.

But I hope she doesn't say it because I'm very much looking forward to meeting her and chatting with her, James.

Yes, as am I.

This is the off-menu menu of Lily Allen.

Welcome, Lily, to the Dream Restaurant.

Hello.

Welcome, Lily Allen, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Hello, Lily.

Hello.

Very excited excited to have this conversation with you but also do you want us to flag up to the listeners that you've just eaten a lovely pastry and that your stomach might be rumbling?

Yeah I have digestive issues and I just really ate a delicious sort of Danish?

I think

what would you call it Benito?

It's for your birthday.

General scandy.

General scandy pastry.

I have had those things before.

They're quite delicious.

And whenever I see one of those things, I always get stuck in.

And I went and ate it quite quickly.

No plate, just with my hands.

Yeah, that's the only way to do it.

And I got in here and sort of forgot that I was going to be recorded and that my stomach does tend to make some noises.

So prepare yourselves.

See,

I'm a stomach noise guy as well, but it tends to be if I haven't eaten.

So

that'll be the approach to me eating something and then that'll settle the noises.

This is just your stomach working through what.

Yeah, I'm actually really bad at

I don't really get hungry.

it's when i see food i'm like oh yeah i should eat but i could i i kind of um yeah my i think that basically my stomach goes quite long like distances without eating and then it has a little bit and it goes yes

so the noises of the stomach celebrating essentially i love food i love eating but i'm just not very good at remembering to do things and i get up in the morning i'm you know looking after kids and doing all yeah and i just forget i'm waking up and all i'm thinking about is food really i forget to do other things things because I'm too busy thinking about food or eating.

Yeah.

Sometimes I doesn't come to this podcast because they're eating at home.

Yeah.

Has the stomach fumbles ever happened while

recording a song in the studio?

While on set filming something?

No, not.

But I do make a habit of, if I've got a gig, I will eat lunch and then I won't eat anything until...

after I've performed.

Just because of that.

And also just being on stage, I feel like quite heavy when I've eaten.

So and yeah, as I said, I sort of have like diagonal, I think I'm probably like intolerant to all the food that I really like eating.

Do you know what I mean?

Like I remember I used to drink oat lattes all the time.

And then I stopped for some reason.

Oh, because I stopped smoking cigarettes.

And I usually have a coffee with cigarettes.

So when I stopped smoking cigarettes, I stopped drinking coffee.

Right.

And then I started drinking coffee again.

And the first oat latte I had, my stomach just went completely mental.

And I was like oh I think I'm probably not well something not right here yeah I don't think oat milk agrees with me but I've been drinking it for years anyway that's it what else do you think you're into

no you'll be I mean you'll be somewhat hear the stories I've got mate

but yeah and then when I'm on stage you know because now I'm a theatre actress

I definitely don't eat before I go on stage either.

But that's more of a ritualistic thing because I kind of like to go on stage and then people come back stage afterwards and we go out for dinner.

So that becomes like a sort of ritual.

If the character called for a stomach rumble, would you eat before you went on stage?

No.

Because I think I would like to have fun with trying to make that happen on its own.

You'd hope that

someone on production is in charge of that sound effect.

But there may be a really, you know, a really like dedicated actor who has to immerse himself in the role.

It's like

this is my stomach or nothing.

I just think you can't make that with a sound effect.

And like coming out the speakers, you need it to be localised to the actor's stomach, right?

So you need to mic that up and go for it.

Or maybe put a little speaker in the jumper.

Yes.

Yes.

In the top.

So the rumble comes from the tummy.

You're in the wrong job.

I should be in sound design for plays.

I've often said you're the sort of guy who works backstage at a theatre.

Yeah, yeah.

Many people have said that about me.

Many reviews.

This guy should be backstage.

Yeah, won't look you in the eye and he wears his keys on his belt.

You're doing a play soon.

I am.

June, you've got a play coming up.

I'm doing a play called The Pillow Man at the Duke of York's Theatre in London's West End.

Very excited, very nervous.

It's a very amazing play.

And whenever I say to people, I'm doing this play, The Pillow Man by Martin McDonough, people often say, that is my favourite play.

And I'm quite scared as a result of that.

You're feeling the pressure.

Yeah.

Also,

there are so many lines.

And I did a play a couple of years ago.

I had quite a lot of lines.

I was the lead, but it wasn't nearly as like meaty as this play yeah i kind of struggled with that many lines this is like probably ten times the amount wow yeah he loves his dialogue there are like seven monologues that are like five pages long oh fuck off

never mind martin that's unreasonable but yeah i'm really nervous about it but you know it will either be good or it'll be shit

it'll be good i can feel it i feel like it's going to be good saw him at a wedding buffet once, that guy.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Only turned up to the evening, do I didn't invite for the whole day.

But

oh Marty Madonna sweeps in for the wedding buffet in the evening.

I didn't say hello, but I looked at him.

Hey, he looked at me.

He only eats fish.

He doesn't eat meat, so he would have been eating fish at that buffet.

Yeah, yeah, everyone was saying it.

Everyone was going, who's the guy who swept in late and got all the fish?

Madonna sweeping in and grabbing all the fish.

Like a hawk.

Just coming in, grabbing all the fish.

Wasn't talking, ironic, because I don't mean how many lines he gives everyone else.

It's the first time I've heard this anecdote, James.

Well, it's barely an anecdote.

I saw a man.

For you, it is.

But you're not just a theatre actor, of course, because you're in this new show, Dreamland.

Yes.

A sky original.

Yes.

It is a

comedy, drama, dark comedy.

Yeah.

About a dysfunctional family of mainly women.

Actually, all women.

I don't think there are any men in the family at all.

Oh, there's a husband, but not any blood relatives.

It's very difficult for men to get parts these days.

It's really tough out there.

It's very chaotic.

It's about the sort of dysfunctional relationships and within this family and that, you know, all this sort of stuff that comes with that.

And one sister played by Freema Adjerman who is pregnant with her husband's baby.

And then I don't actually live in Margate, which is where it's all set, by the way.

Am I doing well explaining this so far?

Yes.

My character has been living in Paris and then comes to Margate.

She's not very happy about it.

She doesn't really like Margate that much.

She also finds out that she's pregnant.

But there is a twist.

A twist.

Yes.

You've got to watch to see what the twist is.

You can't say the twist.

Chaos ensues.

I'm very excited about it.

There's a lot of writers on this who I'm a big fan of.

And I'm very excited to see Gabby Best, Sarah Kendall.

You should be excited about Gabby.

Sarah's terrible.

No,

actually, it was a high time someone said that.

All people need to do is listen to Sarah Kendall's episode of this podcast to know how terrible she is.

It's the most disgusting episode we've done in this podcast.

Yeah, she's revolting.

She said that when she writes, her armpits just literally piss sweat all over the floor.

So that was what she was doing when writing this.

I've been into writing this, you can't tell.

No, it was great fun.

I really, really enjoyed it.

And I'd never done anything like this before.

It was my first sort of foray into, you know, the dramatic side of television.

Obviously, I've done other things with yours, truly.

Yeah, sure.

Would I lie to you?

Would I lie to you?

And Lily lied, and I remembered it as a truth forever.

I guess that's how good an actor you've got to be, mate.

If you can sell a proper lie, I would have lied to you.

You could act with the best of them.

You could do a five-page monologue.

Or you can tell McDonough that you did do it when you didn't.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Smart.

That's the way to use use your brain.

Do you worry that some people are going to come away from the play and think everything you said was true?

Because you're such a good liar and believe that's your life.

Well, again, I can't.

There is a logical answer that would disprove that, but I can't tell you it because it would give away the twist.

But also, do bear in mind, Lily, I know that was a terrible question.

Okay, good.

So don't you worry about that.

Just worried, disappointed if you were worried about it.

I'm not worried about it.

Okay,

but let me make you a promise.

By the end of this episode, you will have spilt the twist.

Okay.

That is going to happen.

Right, okay.

I'm going to get it out of Lily, the twist.

We always start with still a sparkling water.

So tell us, what is the twist?

Okay, that wasn't as subtle as you know.

It would be, James.

Still a sparkling water.

And what's the twist?

I would 100% or say always still because of the digestive digestive issues.

The bubbles would play havoc with my gut.

Yes, anti-bubbles.

Very anti-bubbles.

Although

sometimes I might have a cheeky Coca-Cola, but it will always repeat on me somewhere.

So is that if you know you're not going to be in a situation where a loud stomach would be an issue?

Yeah, just friends and family.

I thought you were going with if you were going to be like alone or

fine.

Friends and family can come over

stomach popping away.

Get the Coca-Cola out.

What you've got ice in this water?

Lemon, lime, mint.

Probably just we're just straight, you know.

Yeah.

Don't love.

I respect that.

Don't love ice.

Moom temp.

Yeah.

Room temp.

You a chugger or a sipper?

Sipper.

Okay.

I'm a chugger.

I'm a chugger.

I'm trying to think.

Big sips, they call me.

I'm actually also

only drink water in restaurants, by the way.

I'm terrible at drinking water.

I'm not a very well-hydrated person at all.

Because you forget, just like with the food.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're also

just boring.

But surely it's exciting to feel like you're hydrating yourself.

No.

I feel that.

If I down a pint of water, I think, oh, great.

I'm really doing something good for myself here.

Yeah, well, that is not really something that features in my life very often.

I don't, I never really do anything to make myself feel good.

Literally only the opposite.

I mean, I'm jealous.

What?

If you feel like that, it's like whenever people go like, you know, when people are properly like, if they're like addicted to something, it could be anything, you know, desserts.

Yeah.

Just anything, plus.

Cigarettes.

Yeah.

Whatever.

And then they're like, we just got to replace it with something else.

And they like, replace it with exercise.

And I'm like, how have you replaced it with that?

It's not as nice or as fun.

But I'm really jealous when they are able to do that.

And they're just like, yeah, I just run all the time now and I'll do this.

And they're able to, wherever I go for like a run, I just think, oh, I hate, absolutely hate this.

I wish I was eating in a chocolate bar.

Yeah, I kind of agree with you.

So, if Ed says down a pint of water and go, I feel so good, I'm doing something so good.

First thing I do every day,

first thing I do every day, down a pint of water.

You've immediately done a lot of stuff.

Well done, you're just gonna do yourself.

And then the rest of the day's downhill, you understand, right?

Okay, but as long as I start on the water, then I still feel good about myself.

No, see, I like coffee, tea, herbal teas when it's like, you know, I shouldn't be caffeinating anymore,

cheeky Coca-Cola.

And

I really like,

I live in America, really, so I can't really get this, but I do get it shipped over sometimes.

And then if friends come and visit me from London, I ask them to bring it.

It's that Robinson's barley water squash with the peach flavouring.

Nice.

So good.

That's the only thing that I'll drink to hydrate myself, really.

So, I mean, we've let people before in the pod, for the water course, do a little cheat and have a squash because it's essentially water that you're just adding something to.

Okay, yeah, I'll rather have that.

Yeah, I will rather or at any time I'll rather have that.

How strong are you making it?

Not very, it only needs a touch.

They don't really have squash in America.

Well, because I've put that stuff in my fridge, and one of our

also, no need to keep it in the fridge, but for some reason, I like having it in the fridge.

Yeah, it's important.

But I have a

nanny, and she had only just started working for us.

And she,

she,

she, I have two children who are nine and ten.

and I have a nanny

I'm actually not too old for a nanny I think I could do with one yeah

um anyway she made some this this for one of my daughters but didn't put any water in it when I told her you know you have to add water she looked at me like I was completely insane she'd never heard of it a whole glass of the bar of the yeah I was like you can't give that to my child

that's too much how how late was your children she didn't understand the concept of diluting squash.

It's not something that they have.

That's so dangerous.

Yeah.

Absolutely go to the moon drinking one of them.

I told you, I've said on this podcast before, I did that once at a roller skating disc.

I downed a whole pint of it.

Squash.

Squash.

Oh, my goodness.

Because I thought it was pre-diluted because it was a kid's birthday party.

I was also a kid.

And I filled up a pint of it and necked it because I'm a glugger.

Straight down.

It was only halfway down, I realised.

Grim.

50 million laps of the roller victim.

Yeah.

Tommy would be doing somersaults.

Yeah.

Oh, I mean, it would have been the end.

It would have been the end of the whole party, I'd imagine, if you had it.

Pop-doms or bread!

Pop-doms or bread, Lily Allen.

Pop-doms or bread.

It's toughy, isn't it?

That's why you've asked it.

The tough questions.

To try and get some sort of conversation out of it.

You're wise to articulate.

Yeah, I get it now.

I mean,

are there accoutrements that come with the pop-a-doms?

Is it butter or

the mint sauce or the mango chutney?

Yeah, this is your dream restaurant.

People have even, you know, had bread with other little things chuck out of your way.

She's going.

She's off.

Would we give my stomach its own name so that we can?

Sure, if we can talk to her as a separate person,

I think it's weird.

What am I going to name it?

If we do, it's weird.

Yeah, it's weird.

Well, okay.

nadia

yeah perfect

nadia the noisy stomach yes

okay nadia's all right she's just chilling um poppetums or bread i think oh god i mean we're talking just in terms of this course it's not like for the rest of my life i can only have pop-toms

just before the meal what do you want bringing out I promise for the rest of your life you'll have free choice.

Have both.

That's such a funny thing to worry about, man.

Yeah.

What contract am I signing this?

That's a tough decision.

It's like you're the twist in your play.

What is it again, my bonus?

You'd be such a bad detector.

Yeah, you're terrible at this game.

I'm going to get you.

I'm going to get you.

I promise you.

I will have Poppadums and Manga Chutney.

Lovely.

Just the chutney?

Nadia.

No.

Relax.

Just the mere mention of snacks of chutney.

You like to have well?

I like the raw onions.

Pickle blowers for Nadia.

I love that Nadia likes different things to you.

Yeah.

What?

We hate mango chutney.

Why are you lying to them?

Oh, dear.

Just mango chutney.

You don't like the rest of them?

I do like the rest of them.

Yeah.

No, I will have the mango chutney and I'll have the little chopped onions with what else is in it?

Coriander, parsley or something?

Yeah, that's all in there.

And then lime pickle, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll have all of that.

Sometimes the lime pickle is not very nice.

Sometimes it's okay.

Depends.

I can take it or leave that, to be honest.

Really?

Yeah.

I used to.

Mint sauce.

Sometimes you have the little green mint sauce.

Yeah.

Yeah, like that.

Sometimes a really red hot one.

Yeah, I'll take it.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Do you want it on the sort of presentational spinny wheel they bring?

Like a sort of little mini lazy Susan.

Yes, mini lazy Susan.

Mini Susan.

I will have the mini lazy Susan, yes, please.

Love those things.

Yeah.

I think more food should be in those.

Yeah, all food.

Yeah.

Agreed.

I'd like to go to.

Nadia.

And Nadia.

She's in agreement.

Lazy Nadia?

Yeah.

Not lazy, actually.

Very active.

Very active.

Yeah.

Is there a place you've had the best pop-a-doms?

If I was like going to get you the best pop-doms you've ever had, is there somewhere a local curry house when you were growing up or something?

Not now in America.

I have to say, I'm not really that keen on like posh pop-a-doms.

And, you know, at this stage in my life, I'm quite part, you know, I tend to find myself myself in curry houses that aren't posh

and I'm I've I'm quite disappointed in a posh pop a dom I prefer just like you know those ones that just disintegrate in your hand and yeah when they're getting them out like a hot drawer because they've just been done ages ago yeah I'm a little bit of a

I don't know if I should reveal this about myself

is it the twist it's not the twist

I'm a bit of I've had a bit of a weird stipulation when it comes to

fast food food.

Yeah.

Basically, I can't really eat food if it hasn't been ordered for and made for me.

Hang on, in what sense?

Well, like, I can't go to McDonald's.

I won't eat fast food like McDonald's or Burger King.

And it's not because I don't like the taste of it.

I do, but I just don't like the, like, on a,

I can't really deal with the idea that you order something and it's just being taken from a pile of food that has already been made.

Yeah.

It has to be some kind of intention behind it.

Yes.

For me.

So I go

eat plain food because it was also just come from a warehouse.

Can veer away from this if it's like in a vacuum like I can eat a pack of crisps.

A banana.

I can eat a banana, yeah, because God made that for me.

God is a wonderful chef.

Do you think God's making individual bananas for the people who will eventually eat them?

Yes, God knows who's going to eat either.

But I can't, i just can't eat food that has not i need to say i would like that and then someone make it then i'll eat it right so it wouldn't work say if a mcdonald's employee went and got the burger and went this one's for lily that wouldn't help i mean if he if the

if i said can you make it from scratch in front of me and he went to the freezer and got out the patty and put it put it on the grill then i could eat it because i can eat in and out burger in america yeah because they do because you can see it and they do the fries and they do the fries live live

live fries live

so yeah okay and my this doesn't make me sound like a very good person does it but I yeah I just don't understand

it's a sort of like quite anti-capitalist way of thinking of eating I just don't yeah I'm not really up for food mass consumption yeah yeah and production of food absolutely fair enough also fresh is best right Also just players have it with Nadia.

She hates it.

Nadia needs fresh.

Yeah.

I mean, is it made specifically for you or is it made specifically for Nadia?

That's the question.

Yeah.

I mean, I think it's got to suit both our needs, you know.

It's got to tick both our boxes to go in this box.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep.

Get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to them current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

Time for a sofa upgrade?

Visit washable sofas.com and discover Anibay, where designer style meets budget-friendly prices with sofas starting at $699.

Anibay brings you the ultimate in furniture innovation with a modular design that allows you to rearrange your space effortlessly.

Perfect for both small and large spaces, Anibay is the only machine-washable sofa inside and out.

Say goodbye to stains and messes with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics that make cleaning easy.

Liquid Simply slides right off.

Designed for custom comfort, our high-resilience foam lets you choose between a sink-in feel or a supportive memory foam blend.

Plus, our pet-friendly stain-resistant fabrics ensure your sofa stays beautiful for years.

Don't compromise quality for price.

Visit washable sofas.com to upgrade your living space today with no risk returns and a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Get up to 60% off plus free shipping and free returns.

Shop now at washable sofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Dream starter.

Does it have to be a traditional starter or could it just be a main course that I'm going to have for a starter?

Well, I'm so on board with it.

Straight away.

Straight away.

Also,

I don't I'm a bit confused because there's this thing, there's this restaurant that I go to quite a lot, which I say quite a lot.

It's only recently opened about six months ago, but I've been there a lot since it's opened, whenever I'm in London.

And it's called Dorian, and they have these delicious chicken liver parfait, which I think they must like squidge on through a sort of cake, you know, like with icing.

It looks a bit like an icing bag, yeah.

They put it onto it says on a soldier.

So like, you know, when you had egg and soldiers when you were a kid, it's like that, It's on a piece of toast and it comes along.

But it's not really a starter.

It's almost like a pre-starter, but post-bread.

So, can I have that extra course?

Throw in a little canopy course.

Oh, this is a pre-starter.

This is a pre-starter.

Yeah.

I feel like.

Because

it sounds little, right?

It's more of just like a little text.

It's so rich as well.

Like, you couldn't have more than one, like, but it definitely wouldn't fill you.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, we've got that.

Yeah, we've got that.

So that's in the bag.

You've got that.

Absolutely running rings around us already.

Yeah.

I met up with two friends recently from from America.

And as soon as I sat down with them,

here he is.

Ew, Laddie Don.

And as soon as I sat down, the first thing they said to me, they went, right, what would you say a row of soldiers is?

Because they had clearly been having a debate with each other about Brits and what we say.

And obviously, as soon as I said it, the lady of the couple, this is a straight couple, lady of the couple went, yeah, I told you I was right.

And she was right.

But then they told me the context that they'd had this discussion about was actually they'd watched a bake-off episode and Mary Berry had said that she wanted all the crimping on the pastry to be like a row of soldiers.

And I think Mary Berry would have been talking about actual

soldiers of war.

Okay, right.

What was the word?

The classic James A.

Caster story.

What was the word?

Huh?

What was the word?

The row of soldiers?

Oh, I just said it would be when you, there's some toast and you chop it into

thin bits.

Okay, I thought you were talking about like a collective noun, like, you know, sort of argument of witches.

Like, what would you call a row of soldiers?

Oh, yeah.

What would you call a load of soldiers?

Platoon.

A platoon of soldiers.

Yes, if I'm ever, I once fantasized about having

careful.

Okay, James, and you've told me about this before.

This is a podcast, man.

You can't bring guests in here and start telling them about your fantasies again.

This is Charlotte Church all over again.

Oh, no.

Oh, man.

Charlotte Church really ruined my life.

We love Charlotte Church.

Yeah,

she was a fantastic guest.

And then James said, Do you want to be in a waterfall?

Yeah, I didn't live this down.

Charlotte called James a pervert immediately.

Oh, it was fantastic.

What did you mean?

She wanted to have her water course from a waterfall.

And she said, I want to hold the cup under the waterfall and have it.

I said, Are you going to hold the cup under there?

Or do you want to be under the waterfall like that?

And I was not thinking like dirty, pervy, like wet t-shirt stuff

at all.

But Charlotte Church, man, she went there.

She went there.

She

threw me in amongst it all.

And everyone was like, that guy's a grabbing little perma.

It's never, it's all people shout at me now in the street.

Okay, so what are you fantasizing about this week, Joe?

A toaster that has slots for soldiers.

That is a genius.

You could put a whole platoon in there at once.

Yeah.

That is so clever.

My daughter, Marnie, who's my youngest daughter, she likes to have two dippy eggs for breakfast before she goes to school.

So I'm i'm constantly making soldiers yes that is my morning routine how many soldiers for two dippy eggs i do like two quite big slices of sourdough and then chop them that way and then in half and so there's quite a big mound of soldiers right she doesn't really eat the egg she just eats the soldier

yeah actually you know what i do when when i i drop them off and i come back and i'll have the egg but i've recently realized that my cat likes the egg and i've walked in on the cat in on the egg so I've obviously come in before

and eaten this egg and my cat's been in there you've been

just yeah I've been eating cat eggs just to be clear because you weren't very you weren't like as detailed it's like look eating the egg she my cat stands on the table and licks the inside of the egg which I've left there after you know to go and do the school run yes I've come back not realized the cat has been in my egg yes and I've then eaten the rest of the egg and it's disgusting I understood that story okay Absolutely perfectly the first time.

Okay, cool.

James, what did you think was happening?

Fucking the egg.

You thought the cat was fucking the egg.

Okay.

You are a perf.

They're going to be shouting at you on the street.

You thought you sent me down that grubby road.

And then I was like, oh man, the cat's there

on top of the egg.

That's a great idea, though, the toaster.

No,

that's not a great idea.

I'm ashamed of myself.

Don't encourage it.

Toaster with the soldiers.

Yes.

So we are actually on your starter year because we've got this amuse bouche, which sounds delicious.

Yeah.

But the starter, is this when you're going to get a main course and change it?

Yeah, because this is the sort of thing that I go to, when I'm in London, I go to the I've chosen things from English places because no one's going to know what we're on.

Well, you.

Sure.

Presumably people listen to you in America as well, right?

They do.

Just a bit, Lily.

Okay.

Howdy y'all for listening?

Maybe I should think about the American listeners, but I'm not going to.

Yeah, you don't have to.

Okay.

I go to the gym in Knightsbridge, very fancy gym.

And I really work up an appetite in the gym, as you do, because you go running.

No, you go running?

No,

I do go to the gym though.

He does.

He goes to the gym.

Yeah.

Well, you know what it's like.

You work up the bus.

I've an exercise bike last night.

I texted him on the exercise bike.

We text each other.

Okay.

Ed was at home watching us on TV.

Yeah.

That's Ed's evening.

Nice.

I am going to the gym and after I've worked up an appetite in the gym, I come out and what is in front of me, Harrods.

So I go into Harrod's to the food hall and there's this little counter where they do chicken tikka wraps.

I'm going to have one of those because they are absolutely delicious and they feel very...

naughty mainly because there's nowhere to eat it so you have to come out and then like find a place on the steps outside Harrods and I'm in my gym gear like great putting all the calories back on that I've just lost but that's the joy of it right and oh gosh it's so yummy so they make it in front of you obviously other than I wouldn't be able to eat it

and yeah you say I'll have the chicken tikka and then I have like a little pot of pomegranate seeds and pile of coriander fresh onions fresh chilies and you choose all the bits that you want and then they chuck it in and they wrap it up i think they bung it in the microwave maybe nice

and then um yeah that's that's one of my favorite things to eat.

How spicy are you going on it?

How many spicy?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, it's green chilies, so they literally, they usually pick up a few and sprinkle them, and I go, no more, please.

So they're always having to go back with your order.

Double dip.

Double dip on the chilies.

Double dip.

Does sound good.

Sorry, Nadia.

It sounds like...

That's a starter.

Yeah, I think that doesn't feel like...

It certainly doesn't feel like a meal.

It's not a meal, of course.

No, for sure.

So I feel like starter is where it is.

Also, I go to the gym in the morning.

So it's mid-morning snack, which I think could be a start, part of as a starter.

Yeah.

It's a precursor to lunch.

So yeah, why not?

I know what you mean about the whole, like, going to the gym and then just putting it, putting everything back in again.

Yeah.

I had a facial the other day and then got hammered.

Yeah.

Afterwards.

Yeah, yeah.

First time I've ever had a facial.

Had a facial and then got absolutely shit faced.

Yeah, so it just ruined your skin completely.

Yeah, yeah.

Just put loads of beer in my head.

Yeah.

In your face.

In my face and my head.

It's the weird thing about James.

When he drinks beer, it just stays in his head.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's

like a lava lamp.

What kind of facial did you have?

Hydrofacial.

Ooh, those are fancy facials.

I loved it.

Yeah, because it kind of

makes that noise.

Yeah, yeah.

Sucking my face.

And

then I just went to sleep at one point.

Yeah, that happens.

Yeah.

It happens to me.

Just dozed off for a bit and then I woke up.

And then she told me off for everything wrong I've been doing with my skin.

And then I went home.

Nice.

Went to my friend's 40th birthday party, got hammered.

And now I look like this.

You look gorgeous.

Maybe you should go back and have another facial.

Yeah, yeah.

What she told me I'd have to go back, but I was like, I'm not falling for that trick.

But you keep getting me here all the time.

You get it.

You know what I mean?

I'm not stupid.

I love those food halls.

They're so good.

I'll regularly just go and walk around one and not buy anything.

That and Fortenham's and all of that.

Just have a little stroll around, have a look at everything.

100% we can go over back on the tube.

Selfridge has got one.

Yes.

Yeah.

That's a good one too.

Yeah, that's a good one.

I've done some customer shopping there before.

Yeah.

In Selfridges?

Yeah.

Okay.

And then...

All food.

I've been there to get wine for people before

and bits of food.

I like doing little food hampers at Christmas.

That's nice.

Putting them together myself.

Oh, my goodness.

I've got a little story about that, because I just moved to New York, because my husband is from New York, and we live there.

And we moved into a new house.

we've been doing it up for two years and we had they have these neighbours next door which we thought were gonna hate us because we've been making all this noise for two years anyway they came over just before christmas with a huge hamper it's a very old italian neighborhood our neighborhood and um and it we had like all green and red and white like sort of streamers and stuff on it and the cellophane on the outside and we were like oh that's very nice and they came in i said oh come in we'll have a cup of tea and they came in they had a cup of tea and what they'd done was they'd gone around to all of the local little places food places in the neighborhood and got us like the place the biscuits from the place that does the good biscuits and the mozzarella from the place that does the good mozzarella and all of the nice little italian delicacies from around the neighborhood and they put business cards of each of the businesses and on the back the good things that those places do that is so nice it was the nicest thing that anyone could do i felt so bad for having made so much noise and then they're like thank you thank you for moving here

thank you for the noise

so sweet that is great what a great present that is lovely fantastic so it's exactly what you want when you move somewhere and you don't really know the neighbourhood.

It's like, now I know exactly where to go to get all the good stuff.

Yep.

Try all these, see if you like them.

Here's the best things ever.

Oh, I mean, that's.

Oh, I wish that that happened wherever you moved to.

Yeah.

There's a real sense of community in New York, I must say.

People really do take care of each other, as is evidenced by that act of kindness.

That's fucking Ketron.

Sorry, what?

That's like in Ketrin, where I'm from.

I like Kettering, yeah.

Yeah.

Don't know if there are any more there, do you?

No, no, everyone's horrible.

I had to get out.

Didn't Lindsay Lohan have something to say about kettering once yeah yeah she did

i seem to remember that she had a big problem she slugged off kettering didn't she was that to do with brexit yeah yeah it was the uh the night of the referendum results and as they were coming in lohan was in london right okay watching the results roll in on tv and uh when it was announced that ketwin had voted to leave She was just live tweeting it all and she was like, I'm sorry, Ketwin, but I've never even heard of you.

really slammed him and then uh the ketrin mp philip hollerbone uh who's a conservative mp and had campaigned for brexit in uh in ketrin and had worn a union jacksuit in order to do that campaign and then uh in parliament after it had been confirmed we were leaving instead of going in and having a chat in the house of commons or house of lords wherever it was about what we should do next and moves next he stood up and said, I think Lindsay Lohan should apologise to Ketterin.

So that was that Suzette presented us.

Serious guy.

Yeah.

He gets up.

He does a bunch of jokes about Ketrin being the most average town in the UK.

So just dust it down even more.

And then he said, she should apologise by turning on the Christmas lights.

Did she?

She said she would, didn't she?

She said she would.

She tweeted and said, I will do it.

She said, contact me.

This is the genius move.

She said, DM me, Ketterin Boa Council, and we'll sort it out.

And then Ketter and Boah Council went to DM her, and they had to do a public tweet and say, Lindsay, I'm afraid we can't DM you because we follow you, but you don't follow us back.

And it was like, that's a move.

I'm like, yeah.

So fucking remember who you're talking to.

I'm Lindsay Lohan.

You're Ketman Borough Council.

Don't ever call me out ever again.

Exactly.

So she didn't do it.

And instead they got

Heather from Eastenders.

Oh, I thought it was Hugh Dennis that year.

No, it was Heather from Eastenders did it.

And she...

you know, she went and really got the crowd going.

But then they played a video.

Lindsay Lohan did a video saying, hey, Evan from Ketman.

Sorry that I can't be there.

But she'd like put a funny filter on her face where she had flowers in her hair.

So she wasn't taking it seriously.

She filmed it in portrait as well.

Yeah, that's real proper.

Yeah, you don't give a shit because it doesn't even fill the whole screen.

And Heather said that everyone in Ketman was feeling really down about it after they got that video.

And she had to turn the lights on.

Just calling her Heather now.

Yeah, yeah, Heather for Eastenders.

And

she said that in her head, when she pressed the button for the lights, it was going to be like Thunderbirds Are Go.

I remember her her saying that to me when I tried to make a documentary about this.

About the whole thing.

About Lindsay Open.

Yeah, yeah.

I can't believe I've actually brought this.

You're like an expert on that.

I know a lot of it.

It's amazing that he didn't immediately respond with, I tried to make a documentary about this and decided to tell the whole story and wait for this.

Well, I thought I should explain why I know how Heather was feeling.

So you've interviewed Heather.

Yes.

What's her real name?

Yeah, Cheryl.

And she said that she was going to say like Thunderbirds Are Go and press the...

She kept saying Thunderbirds I'll go quite a lot

in the chat.

She kept on saying it a lot.

She liked that bit.

Yeah, I liked it when she said that bit.

She said Thunderbirds I go so many times and I really I logged it in my head.

But instead she felt quite dejected about it.

But then the following year I turned on the lights, you see.

So it was like I was trying to.

It went down quite well, although I wasn't told I'd be doing it with some members of the Panto.

So that felt a bit...

Oh, that's annoying.

You know, not as cool.

And the mayor.

One day you'll get to do it all on your own.

Yeah.

You'll headline that event oh can't wait for that day that'll be really cool maybe me and lohan i wouldn't mind sharing the stage with lohan if lohan wants to come and do it although i don't think she should apologize we follow each other on social media i could ask her if you want ask her what she thinks

so look about that kettering promise yeah

go and do it would you be willing to stay on the christmas lights if you were co-headlining with james a caster yes do you know me and lindsay lohan got um friendship tattoos together did you yeah

when we were

very very

inebriated,

must be more than 10 years ago now, she broke me out of the Chateau Marmont Hotel at about three o'clock in the morning and I had promo to do the next day.

So they had security out front of my hotel room because I was very badly behaved in those days.

And she, but she knew how to get out the backway, so she came to my room, we jumped over the fence at the back of the hotel and then ran down Sunset Boulevard to the Shamrock tattoo parlour.

And we both got this tattoo, which now says 1985, but that night it said, shh.

I'm pointing at my finger right next finger.

So it's like, you know, that thing that you do when you say shush, you put your finger over your mouth.

So I'm quite pleased with that.

Me and Lindsay Lohan had matching tattoos.

Then woke up the next day and the headlines were, Lindsay and Lily copy Rihanna.

Oh dear.

And I was very angry with Lindsay Nohan because she had sold it to me as an original idea.

She did not tell me that it was already existing on one of the coolest pop stars in the whole world.

She also claimed that she was in the original parent trap.

No, but you know, I went up for that role.

Did you?

And that has been like a bone of contention between us.

Yeah, was that I would always like be drunk and be like, I'm going to be you, I'm going to do the parent trap.

And she'd be like, okay, whatever.

Let's go and get a friendship tattoo.

I'm going to make you look like a proper idiot.

Rihanna's already got it.

We should get a friendship tattoo.

Yeah.

Here's a good idea.

You can get one on your finger.

Yeah.

So when you turn on the Christmas lights, it says Thunderbirds, I'll go.

Oh, that would be cool.

That would be good.

But you would have to get the same one.

Yeah, fine.

I like Thunderbirds.

Yeah.

Why don't you get one, two, three?

Or three, two, one, even.

Yeah, yeah, three, two, one.

I can shout Thunderbirds.

I'm sort of seeing the

font because it used to come up on the screen.

Three, two.

Yeah,

I think that would look quite cool.

I mean, I'll get anything these days.

Yeah, yeah,

Ed's tattoos are insane.

Yeah.

I've tattooed him.

Really?

I've tattooed him.

Yeah, Yeah.

I've given him a tattoo.

We went on the run for Celebrity Hunted and went to my friend's tattoo studio and James tattooed me.

Oh, that's nice.

I don't know what Celebrity Hunted is.

It's kind of like what you and Lohan did.

Okay.

But they film it.

But they film it.

They're stand-ups to cancer.

They're sneaking out, running away.

Why does it say 1985 now when it said shush, shouldn't it?

Because that's the year that I was born.

But how did it change?

You changed it.

Because I went over it.

There were only a few different options that I could do because it had to be four characters, obviously, because it was

H H.

You can do that now.

And I went over it.

Well it hasn't done very well.

It just looks like a blob on my finger with some dots after it.

Because I don't know that you've changed it.

We haven't really spoken about it, but she has made contact recently with me.

She wants to be friends again.

I'm quite up for it.

Dream main course.

Dream main course.

Otherwise this is gonna...

We're getting on too well.

That's what's happening.

Yeah.

Oh dear.

does that happen often no no

i've never liked a guest until now

the first time normally the episodes are 35 minutes yeah yeah and that is too long between you and me

my main course

is gonna be from a restaurant probably my favorite restaurant in london it's called the afghan kitchen

and it is on islington green it is delicious that restaurant and my favorite thing i mean

answer me this you obviously it's kind of like a curry in the sense that you have rice sort of like a chicken dish and then some vegetable dishes so am i allowed the vegetables to go with this yeah yeah if it all comes together it's a one one course okay yeah so i'm having chicken and yogurt from the afghan kitchen with rice moong dal

which is lentils but looks a bit like mashed potatoes but red

so delicious great and pumpkin and yoghurt and it's like stewed pumpkin but they're like big chunks and they hold their shape with this sort of, I don't know, sweet yummy sauce all over it.

And then it's, it comes with some yogurt, which you dribble over the top.

I cannot tell you how delicious this food is.

I mean, it sounds good.

You really need to go there.

Yeah, yeah.

I've never, I've never heard of it.

I don't know.

I've nearly been there so many times because I've been past it a lot near Angel.

When you go there and you have it, I would, I would, they also do this bread with pickles.

We've already done bread, so obviously we can't really go into that.

Also, very delicious um but

it you'll go there and you'll eat and it will be one of your favorite places you've ever been and you'll think why the hell didn't I do this 10 years ago because

it's sad you've done yourself a disservice from not having gone there I'm pretty dumbed out about it to be honest well you should be

the guy there that owns it and still does all the cooking is this guy called Habib and it's based on Islington Green.

I don't know if the bus stop is still there, but right outside the restaurant is the bus stop.

And when I was a kid, I used to get that bus or go and stand at that bus stop to get the bus to school.

Quite often I'd have forgotten my travel card.

And Habib would always be there opening up in the morning.

And he'd give me money for the bus.

That's nice.

Yeah.

He's loving it.

He's a good food.

He's really, really one of the sweetest, most kind-heartedest people I've ever met.

And that was like 30 years ago.

He's still there.

making the same five dishes every day, twice a day.

That's great.

It's so delicious.

You've got to go there.

And afterwards.

We don't even have to sort out transport home.

No.

Habib will sort us out.

Just tell him I sent you.

Yeah.

Come on, Habib.

We know that you do this for people.

I'm not sure he does it for everyone, you know.

No.

We can't go in there and ask for a free meal and say, oh, I've forgotten my travel card.

It doesn't even make sense.

Oh,

but we can try.

If you don't ask, you don't get.

You could say Lily told us that when she forgot her travel card, you would give her some money for the bus.

Yeah.

so and he'll go yes but that was 30 years ago when a travel card cost one pound eighty yeah yeah now they're seven pounds ninety the little girl to the bus to school yeah and also you can tap it on you also

as he was a child and not two grown men who've clearly decided they're going to do this before they arrived

No, but do say I sent you and he'll be very happy.

Chicken and yogurt.

Chicken and yogurt is my favourite thing.

They also do lamb and potatoes, but I like the chicken and yogurt with the moong dal.

There's a dish called Sarah's as well, which is like kidney beans and chickpeas and potatoes.

But I'm not going to put that on there because I think I'm being a bit greedy.

And I have had a chicken tiger wrap already.

Sure, you've teed it up with that.

Actually, I've also had chicken liver.

I've gone very chicken heavy.

I've got chicken for every course.

But

you're eating beak to tail here.

You're having the full chicken.

The full experience.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you want it all to be from the same chicken?

Interesting.

Or does that make it weird?

No, I don't think it makes it weird.

I think it's weird that we would like that's also something I find strange is when people order like a bucket of wings and you think like not one of those wings has come from the same chicken.

Not one.

How do you know?

Well just probabilities.

Like there's just like from if we're talking about from KFC the likelihood of the same

chickens

two wings?

Yeah,

this is like when I lied to you, I thought that there were four wings.

Till today, I thought the chickens had four wings.

It is two wings, as far as I'm aware, yeah.

I fucking know how many wings a chicken's got.

I think, I think everything.

He could have a little secret wing under his big wings.

They could have secret wings, you know.

I've not studied chicken anatomy.

I think outside of a dragonfly,

pretty much everything has wings has two, right?

Yes.

I didn't know you were asking the wrong person.

Sure.

I've gone bold there, but I'm pretty sure dragonflies have four, right?

Right.

Nothing has one because they don't sign in circles.

So I think everybody else has two.

In your dream meal, you have it all from the same chicken, maybe.

Okay, it's liver pre-meal.

Actually,

it's going to need to be.

How many breasts does the chicken have?

No, joking.

Charlie Church has me that.

I do prefer breast meat to dark meat and I'm hoping that my chicken tikka wrap is going to be breast meat breast heavy and that the chicken yogurt and from the Afghan kitchen is also breast heavy.

This is the dream meal, you know.

So I'm hoping maybe spread over one and a half chickens, maybe two.

Yeah.

Okay.

Fair enough.

I don't know if I could eat four whole chicken breasts in one meal though.

You don't think so?

That's like bodybuilder stuff.

Nadia would go mental.

Nadia would say I'd not be having that.

She'd be kicking off.

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Dream side dish, then?

Does it have to go with this dish?

It's up to you.

If you're fine with things not going together and you just eat what you like, and it doesn't matter if they go together or not, that's fine.

Whatever you want, your dream side dish.

I mean, I'm sitting in a restaurant and this is all happening on the same day in the same meal, so I don't want something that's really going to to clash with this.

Sure, because some people do.

Some people don't mind that.

Some people just go, they just want their favourite of everything and they don't care if it goes together.

Other people want the whole meal to go together.

Cauliflower cheese.

Now, I'm interested.

Was that decision based on it clashing or going together?

Oh, absolutely doesn't go together.

It's just the, yeah.

It's delicious, though.

I think cauliflower cheese goes with most stuff.

Yeah.

I make a roast dinner every week.

And it the one thing that tends to rotate weekly,

usually it's chicken but sometimes we'll have beef but um apart from sorry nadia just needs a little massage

um

it's nadia to you sorry um

sounds weird

uh

one week we'll have cauliflower cheese and the next week we'll have cheesy leeks great there always has to be a cheese component yes what i'm saying you need that creamy cheese sauce on the roast cauliflower cheese is your favourite out of the yeah do you dread cheese from a restaurant i really like um there's well I sound like such a twat

I go sometimes go to the Ivy because I'm you know when I'm in the theatre land they have cauliflower grata which is cauliflower cheesy yes yeah yeah but yeah breadcrumbs on it and stuff yeah I like that a lot and it's a side dish though that's instant upscale okay getting the the breadcrumbs on it

I love cheesy leeks I used to make me think about how much I love cheesy leeks now I want cheesy leeks with breadcrumbs and stuff well if you're ever in New York yes you may come to my house on a Sunday I shall make you cheesy leeks

great just the cheesy leeks no you can have the rest of the roast too

I'll give you more cheesy leeks than everyone else

yeah thank you and we'll bring a hamper um with all the best produce from Kettering yeah that'd be lovely oh yes Weetabix

end of list

I love a cauliflower cheese when you get the spoon and then you lift it up and there's a stretch.

There's clear cheese in there.

Yeah.

None of this.

Some people don't put enough cheese in it.

It's called cauliflower cheese.

Well that's more of a thing of the cheese on the top though right yeah because the cheese in the sauce shouldn't really stretch

it could though it could but it's it's it's it's how much someone has sprinkled the cheese on the top level will

determine the stretching on the top for your cauliflower cheese i'd say probably like quarter of a um block a block yeah oh yeah all right i would have thought you would have gone half block so you have like double layer so that the cat can get the first layer and then you've got your one underneath you know because that cat can't be trusted.

My cat hates human food.

Ed's cat is very fussy.

What kind of cat is it?

Siberian.

He's beautiful.

Yeah.

He's beautiful.

My cat is

beautiful.

It's a he, but she's called Priscilla.

Right.

Well, we bought her thinking she was a girl.

Well, we sold her as a girl because I went to the cat breeder and I was like, I want a girl cat.

And they said, oh, yeah, here we've got a girl.

Yeah.

So I took her home.

Oldest trick in the book.

Six weeks later, she had a gammy eye.

I took her to the vet and the vet said, this cat is male.

Oh, my god, what a vibe.

She's amazing.

We love Priscilla.

She's honestly like, I didn't think I was a cat person, really.

I've always had dogs.

And then in the new house, we've realized we had rodents, big rodent problem in New York.

And I went on all the blogs and everything and said, what am I going to do about these rodents?

Because I had the exterminators come around.

They put the traps out, blah, blah, blah.

They came around a month later.

Still had the droppings everywhere.

And I was honestly beside myself.

And I thought, I can't, I've got my dream house.

I'm not sharing it with rodents.

And all the blogs said, only thing you can do, cat.

I still was like sticking with the exterminator thing.

And then one of my kids called me and said, we've just seen something the size of an avocado scurry into the double doors with a big long tail.

And I was like, that doesn't even sound like a mouse.

I was like, a rat.

And

the next day I was...

It really says a lot about their upbringing.

It's the size of an avocado.

Mom, it's the size of a chicken tikka rat from Harrods.

Anyway,

and I found myself in an Uber going to the Bronx to get a cat.

Straight away.

Straight away.

I was like, this is not a cat.

Rat catcher.

And because of the catchers, the rats done the job?

Never.

We've not heard anything from rats or mice since

gone.

Completely gone.

They just go.

So they don't even have to catch them.

No, and everyone's like, oh, she doesn't look like she's doing this.

The rats and the mice don't care.

They just smell her.

They're like, no, I'm not coming in there.

Are you worried now, though, that the rats won't be able to cook you nice food, like in Matatouille?

Since we talk about food?

That has kept me up, actually.

Your dream drink.

Could you wash your hands?

Yes.

We are in a restaurant.

I did wash my hands.

Staff must wash their hands.

And dried them.

The very clean boy, aren't you, James?

Very clean.

For the listener, I went for a week.

Yes.

That's why I was asking if you wash your hands.

Not for the listener.

That's not an extra feature you can get, James.

I'll do it for the listener.

If they pay enough, I'll go for a wink.

Your dream drink, Lily.

Your dream drink.

My dream drink.

Well, I am a recovering alcoholic, so I'm going to say an alcoholic drink.

Yep, there's two ways that was going to go for the first time on this podcast.

I'm going to say Hendrix Gin.

Oh, no.

Lily just closed her eyes.

Her mouth just dropped open.

Hendrix gin and sonic with a bit of like a swirly bit of cucumber.

Nadia's crying right now.

Nadia loved the drink.

It was all her fault.

Nadia just crazy.

Thunderbirds are go.

Yeah.

It's like, what about our go?

Yeah, so I'm going to say alcoholic drink because that is my, yeah, would be.

I mean, I don't really drink about it.

But sometimes it's actually

less the alcohol part of it, it's the taste.

Like, I miss that particular drink a lot.

It's quite thirst-quenching.

Do you just ever have like a just a normal tonic water with the taste?

No, no, no, no.

Tonic water doesn't do it.

Sometimes there's this stuff called seed lip, which is like fake gin, and that does the trick sometimes.

Yeah, that is the thing.

Like, alcoholic drinks are delicious.

Some of them, yeah.

Some of them are disgusting.

Yeah, yeah, some of them are disgusting.

But man, I just want, I mean, this is another boring thing.

I just want.

Here Here we go.

You don't find a lot of interviewers who say, here comes another boring thing.

Here comes another boring thing.

You say you wish you could drink them but not get drunk.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That would be.

You know,

if anyone else goes, what would your superpower be?

Never get drunk.

Tipsy, though.

Yeah, yeah.

I like being tipsy.

Yeah, we all like being tipsy.

That's a sweet spot.

Why Hendrix gin?

Why is that the best gin?

That's a great question.

I think it goes well with the cucumber.

It's like classic thing.

My ex-husband introduced me to it.

It's often like the nicest one you could get in the pub, right?

Fucking idiot.

Sorry.

What?

I saw that.

I just said my ex-husband.

There was this glimmer in your

suddenly like started twitching.

And I was like,

tell you about to be like, may you burn in hell?

I thought it was going to happen.

No, he's fine.

Bless him.

Also there'd be a lovely edit option there where you don't mention your ex-husband and I say it's often the poshest one you get in the pub and you just go fucking idiot.

We arrive at your dream dessert Lily Ellen.

I'm excited to hear it.

Yes.

Having said that I don't like fast food, that is sort of related to savoury.

When it comes to sweets, and I guess this I'm going to say is my dessert of choice because it is delicious

I do some I get it from McDonald's when my husband goes to McDonald's but it's not the same I don't think because it comes out the machine okay okay soft serve ice cream with the chocolate sauce oh so I thought we were going down to McFlurry town no yes just

soft serve you're not

a fan of the McFlurry no one's ever chosen McFlurry no uh Yeah, I mean, I do like a McFlurry, but I don't, yeah, it's just the classic is where I'm at.

Especially after I've had quite a heavy meal.

Yeah.

Don't think you really want to overcomplicate it.

I was going to say Bonoffee Pie, but I think it's just a little bit heavy and there's too many components.

Nadia's not happy about that choice.

She likes the soft serve.

The simple classic soft serve with, what sort of chocolate sauce?

Is it like a like a proper chocolate sauce?

Like chocolate Sunday sauce.

It's just like hot chocolate sauce.

Oh, okay, nice.

Yeah.

Not the syrup stuff.

No, no, no.

Proper chocolate sauce.

Like chocolate fudgy sauce.

Yeah.

From McDonald's.

From McDonald's.

How are you feeling about that, James?

You're our resident dessert buff.

Well, obviously, I love it.

I mean, you know, I think McDonald's got a few shout-outs on the podcast before, but never for dessert, I don't think.

People like the apple pie for you.

Yeah, I do like the apple pie.

Do they even do that anymore?

I don't know.

I think so.

They're gone.

They surely wouldn't get rid of that.

But they wouldn't do them specifically for you fresh, would they?

They're coming out.

That's something from my youth when I was not so fussy.

The hottest thing in the world.

Yeah, gosh.

when I was, yeah, a really hot one of those would take your mouth off, like your tongue was, yeah.

Oof, excruciating.

That's why I sort of feel like it might be not adhere to like health and safety sensors.

Is that why we Brexited?

Was to get the

crispy apple pie red tape.

Finally, we can make it 1,000 degrees.

Stop all the bureaucrats reducing the temperature of it

were you saying your husband gets you this uh from yeah well we'll tend to be when we do like road trips and they get drive-through and that's the only thing that i can eat because i really enjoy it yeah but everything else everyone else will eat you know food and i'll eat that

but me and nadia eat that yeah you have your cup of uh of ice cream and that's your favorite soft serve so if you went to anywhere like is there nowhere else that competes like a mr whippy is it not as good i think it's just that because it's because it's mcdonald's there's like a consistency to it not consistency like this but like as in it is consistent it's the same everywhere yes yeah you just know what you're getting i don't know but um i mean i suppose you 99 flake is just not the same doesn't feel like it's the same sort of soft serve yeah yeah yeah it's a different texture maybe i don't know in america maybe maybe sometimes these things feel different in america rather than in a cold british

i think the ingredients are different as well i think there's more i forgot to finish the sentence Sorry?

I forgot to finish the sentence and then I just said park too late, so sorry about that.

Park.

Yeah.

Cold British Park is what I went for.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Before I meet a menu back to you, favourite McDonald's character?

Favourite McDonald's character.

Yeah, you know the other character.

Or McDonough characters.

Denise!

That was your way of getting that.

The twist, wasn't it?

Did you know the hamburger was in the pillow, man?

That is the twist.

The hamburger did it at the end.

Oh!

Shit!

We agree.

Hamburgers there.

Favourite character of McDonald's?

Yeah.

Isn't there just Ronald?

No, the hamburger.

Hamburger.

Grimace.

Grimace.

The big purple.

I honestly don't even know what you're talking about.

What?

No.

I did not engage with this particular part of culture when I was a child.

Madonna.

Wait for my mic.

Madonna did have...

a chain restaurant called Madonna's and

it was like all of his

characters.

What do you think it would be I'm gonna pitch it to him.

Um what kind of food do you think it would suck fish, obviously?

Yeah, lots of fish, lots of blood and gore everywhere.

It'd be pretty gruesome, wouldn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Dead donkey.

Yeah, finger.

Yeah.

Dead cat in one of his players.

I don't know if you brought up the donkey.

Sorry.

Sorry to everyone.

Rest in peace to that donkey.

RIP, Jenny.

RIP Jenny.

Poor Jenny.

What a way to end this episode.

McDonoughs.

This episode is dedicated to the memory of Jenny the Donkey.

Water.

You want Robinson's barley water.

Peach flavour.

Quite weak.

Pop norms or bread.

Pop norms with all the dips.

Then you want an amuse bouche, chicken liver parfait with soldiers from Dorian.

Starter, Harrod's chicken tikka wrap.

Main course, chicken and yogurt, rice, mundal, pumpkin and yogurt from Afghan Kitchen.

Side dish, cauliflower, gratan.

from the Ivy.

Drink, Hendrix gin and tonic with cucumber.

Dessert, soft serve ice cream with chocolate sauce from mcdonald's got to be pretty happy with that classic classic

feel good about that three chicken courses and a mcdonald's ice cream why not i think it's the first time we've had within the space of one menu harrods and mcdonald's yeah there you go so that's pretty good you're running the full gamut there i love it it's very me yeah right yeah people people could i think people could look at that not know it's shooting and go i think that's lily yeah

hilo yeah thank you very much much to you and Nadia for coming to the dream.

We'd say it's a pleasure, but we'd be lying.

This is just work for us.

Yes.

Not enough of our guests are honest about that.

Just

work.

Not for us.

No.

Not work at all.

We don't get paid.

We never have.

There we are, James.

The off-menu menu of Lily Allen.

What fun.

What fun.

What a fun app.

We just had a laugh, man.

We just had a laugh.

I mean, that'll get edited down quite severely, I think, because

we were chatting for a while.

I mean, I don't know if this will be edited out, but there was a moment where you went, we're just all getting on so well.

Yeah.

Which puts a lot of pressure on the guest, I think.

If anyone said to me, hey, we're getting on really well.

I'd then probably overthink it and not get on with them.

Well, this explains a lot in my life.

I say this to a lot of people, this kind of thing.

I just think they're just learning social skills and social cues and things like that.

One day at a time, man.

One day at a time.

You're doing very well, mate.

Thank you.

That was a lovely chat.

I thought you did very well.

Lily was wonderful.

Yeah.

Lily didn't say apples.

Lily didn't say apples.

So we didn't have to kick her out.

Thank the Lord.

You should go and watch Lily's new show, Dreamland.

It is a Sky original comedy.

It's on Sky Atlantic or on the streaming service now.

Co-starring Freema Adgerman, Gabby Bez, Chaos Myth Bino, an amazing cast of people.

Go and watch it.

It's all set in Margate.

As Lily said, she's also doing a play that starts in June in the West End of London, The Pillow Man, written by Martin McDonough.

Duke of York, the yet.

Duke of York, the Eta.

Very excited to see that as well.

Let me know the twist.

Yes,

I was hoping she was going to pick a martini, James, and then I was going to say

with a twist.

Brilliant.

But she's a recovering alcoholic.

So she picked Jin instead.

Yeah, yeah.

We've been sent some things, James.

We'd like to do a little shout-out if people have sent us nice stuff.

Kitty's Kits, for example.

Kitty's Kits, this is wonderful, isn't it?

This is great.

Kitty is a very inspiring figure.

Yes.

Her and her father started up this company where 100% of the profit.

from each of their these are baking kits that they can send out so you can learn to bake at home and there's um some little books they've made that talk you through how to make uh you know is it dough loaf for catcher pizza flatbread all sorts of things and it seems to be pitched at sort of all ages, really, James.

Pitched at all ages.

Which is what I need when it comes to baking.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I need someone to speak to me like I'm five.

Yes.

So that I can actually make it proper.

And 100% of the profit from the kit goes towards their breaducation project, where they give free kits and bread classes to different communities, from schools to prisons to food banks,

because we all need good bread.

We do all need good bread.

That's one so lovely to send us some.

Really lovely to send us some.

And Kitty, you know, congrats.

You've achieved more with your life than we have.

And you are a lot younger than us.

Yes, a lot younger.

Do go and check out Kitty's Kits if you're more interested in finding things out about that.

Kitties.kits on Instagram, kittieskits.co.uk.

Lovely.

Bonjour, we also got sent some macarons, James.

Mercy.

Mercy to Mademoiselle Macaron.

That's not part of my joke about

speaking French.

She's called Mademoiselle Macaron.

Yes.

And they had all pictures of us on it and stuff.

Put our faces on the macaron which um i don't know yet who's gonna eat which face we've been sent some wine james some some canned wine from the canned wine co oh very interesting you know canned wine's getting better and better man it is indeed um i mean we had some at the plosive christmas party and it was very nice i don't think i did this is two years ago all right

uh also some other wine we've been sent from famille le perin james

rhone valley southern rhone valley i love a rhone do you i didn't know you loved a rhone i do love Arhone.

So I'm excited to try some of the Famile Perrin wine.

Thank you for the wine.

Thank you for the wine, Mercy.

Also, to compliment the wine, we've been sent some beer.

Tartarus beer.

Tartarus beer.

Some lovely craft beers from Yorkshire, courtesy of the Tartarus people.

Thank you very much, Tartarus.

And sorry for Ed's comments about your puddings.

What?

Yorkshire puddings he doesn't like.

Oh, I see.

Yorkshire pudding, sorry.

I was trying a Tartarus.

What sort of pudding is a Tartarus?

Tartarus puddings.

Oh, an apple tartarus.

Thank you very much for listening.

We'll see you again next week.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

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Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladil here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies is coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At 7pm at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

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Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

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