Ep 184: Nick Mohammed

March 22, 2023 1h 15m

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‘Ted Lasso’ star and superb character comic Nick Mohammed orders, err, his dream(?) meal this week.

Nick Mohammed is on tour with ‘The Very Best and Worst of Mr Swallow’. For tour dates and tickets visit berksnest.com/nick

Follow Nick on Twitter @nickmohammed

Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.

Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).

Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.

And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.

Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here.

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James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

You open the fridge.

There's nothing there.

So what's it gonna be?

Greasy pizza?

Sad drive-through burgers?

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Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the raw beef of friendship, chopping with the knife of humor, adding in the egg yolk of good times, throwing in the finely diced red onion of chuckles, adding in the capers of questions,

mixing all up and serving with the toast of the internet.

What's that?

Steak Tartar.

That's a gamble.

My name is James A.

Castle.

We own a dream restaurant.

And we invite in every week a guest.

And we ask them their favourite ever star of main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Nick Mohammed.

Nick Mohammed.

Nick Mohammed, one of the greats, a wonderful comedian.

Wonderful character comic.

Wonderful actor.

Wonderful actor you may know him from ted lasso

brilliant in that also highly recommend his series intelligence uh on the sky uh with david schwimmer wrote that yeah and is the lead in that it's absolutely brilliant it's properly funny fantastic in the martian yes he's in the martian

he's the voice of piglet he's the voice of piglet of course hundredacre wood my favourite place yeah your favorite place in the world but also as we say he's a brilliant character comic he does a fantastic character called mr swallow who I think I've seen every Mr.

Swallow show.

Yeah, and there's never been a bad one for Mr.

Swallow.

It's just always hilarious.

Always hilarious.

And Nick is finally going on a proper big tour with Mr.

Swallow.

So you've got to go and see that.

It starts this coming Sunday.

If you're listening to this on the day it comes out, it starts this coming Sunday, London Duke of York's Theatre.

I hope there's tickets left because you've got to go and see it.

It's going all over the place, going to Edinburgh, Glasgow, Leeds, Birmingham, Leeds again, Durham, Salford.

I mean, look, all the details are on birksnest.com forward slash Nick.

Go and check that out.

Buy tickets.

You got to get a ticket.

Oxford, Brighton, Bristol.

Thank you.

McCunniff, Exeter, Cardiff, Norwich, Salford, London again.

Salford's a great swing at the old pronunciation there.

Have you always said that?

I say Salford, yeah.

Do you?

Salford Lowry.

Yeah, well done.

You're the only person in the world that does.

Yeah, Salford.

Salford.

Yeah, I would say Salford, actually.

Yeah.

I don't know why I just said Salford.

I never said it like that before.

No, no, no.

My girlfriend's from there.

Yeah, yeah, she's from Salford.

Yeah, I never.

So there we go.

Go and see your family in Salford.

salvad salford yeah jesus i would ask for that to be edited out but i think i deserve it yeah absolutely leave that in yeah um we can't wait to speak to nick and hear about his uh dream menu for this is what the podcast is but we do have a secret ingredient and if it gets said by our guests we do kick them out of the dream restaurant and this week our secret ingredient is

bran flakes bran flakes now you chose this one ed i did i don't any cereal like that i think is like what are we at a war yeah yeah it feels like something you would have eaten in you know 19th century onwards until about 1948 and then you should stop eating it yeah yeah I mean it's it's it's but it's drab it's drab people eat that sort of thing to stay regular i think and as soon as you're eating food as medicine i think it no also like if you want to stay regular i i you know get some fruit and fiber or something yeah that's got that's nice it's got some little yeah it's still got the brown flake element of it but it's got some other fun bits and the thing is with brown flakes is they're boring and then if you you leave them in the milk too long that texture is hell though god horrible no way very

smell stinks stinks absolutely stinks stinks so yeah i mean anyone choosing to eat brown flakes just like as their standard cereal yeah yeah that's a red flag get some ambition yeah um so if nick picks brown flakes bye-bye nick bye-bye nick if you pick brown flakes hopefully you won't no i mean we've had cereals on the podcast before we have so you know you never know you never know if you're listening on australia i'm coming there soon go on my website at gamble.co.uk.

You gotta go.

You gotta go, man.

And New Zealand.

And New Zealand, to be fair.

Not much on for me.

No?

No, was it March?

Yeah.

No.

This is the off-menu menu of Nick Mohammed.

Welcome, Nick, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you very much for having me.

Oh, God, he's here already.

Welcome, Nick Mohammed, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been been expecting you for some time.

I know, and I'm a huge fan of the show.

So, you know,

you can start straight away if you want, because I've got it all lined up.

No chat.

Nothing about

to plug the tour.

We just get straight into the

very best and worst of Mr.

Swallow.

It is.

It is indeed.

And the worst is true.

It's just sort of bits that, you know, I've not done before and think,

just padding.

Yeah.

It's not.

It's the best of and some new stuff stuff that is less tried and tested.

So it might end up being the worst bits of that show.

Or the best bits of the show.

Or the best bits.

Who can tell?

But that'll be good because if what you think is going to be the worst bits are the best bits of the show, then the other bits that you used to think were the best will become the worst.

I guess that's how material develops, isn't it?

Like it slowly becomes like the best thing that you think you've done slowly becomes...

the worst thing you've done.

Is that right?

Only if you're heading in the right direction.

Yeah, you'd hope that that's how it happens.

Yeah.

Of course, it could be that you just, you peek right at the start.

My mum often says that a thing that I used to do called conductor, which is like a skit where I play a conductor and it's all timed to sound effects, which I

think is now almost 20 years old.

She always cites that as the best thing I've ever done.

Oh, no.

Yes, well, I saw

great.

I saw you do that in a solo show that must have been 2005.

Yeah.

And you'd probably been doing it for a couple of years.

I think actually, I think it was new for 2005.

I mean, it's now, I mean, I mean, I'll be honest, it possibly might pop up in this best and worst stuff, if you like it.

But even though it wasn't Mr.

Swallow.

No, it's not Mr.

Swallow.

I'm thinking of doing it, coming on at the start as me, doing it, and then introducing the support and then going off, then coming back on as Swallow.

I think that's, if it does make an appearance, that's when it will.

Open with the ticket, man.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And then people can leave after

if they want.

I mean, it would be interesting.

I mean, this this is just getting far too specific now.

Because, look, Mr.

Swallow is one of my favorite comedy characters of all time.

Absolutely love Mr.

Swallow.

If you've not seen Mr.

Swallow and you're listening, you need to go to this tour because it's absolutely fantastic.

Incredible.

A tour de force.

Thank you.

I would like to see the conductor sketch done by Mr.

Swallow.

Well, I have considered it, but I feel like I think it's possibly too many things happening all at the same time because Mr.

Swallow is such a specific flavour and so easily distracted.

And I think it's cumulative, like his constant distraction is sort of cumulative in terms of its effect,

I would hope, on an audience.

Whereas conductor is so specific in terms of you have to get it right.

And I feel like if Mr.

Swallow got it wrong, that'd be funny once.

And then if it happens again and again for four and a half minutes, people would just switch off.

Well, what if best workshop is live?

Okay.

I've got the recording

as yourself doing the conductor.

Support act comes on.

Then you do Mr.

Swallow.

Then during the Mr.

Swallow show, you do the conductor

again as Mr.

Swallow.

And now you already know how it's meant to go.

And then they say it go wrong.

But again, isn't it?

I mean, I'd love to do that.

And maybe I should try that.

But again, I do want to do it as an encore.

Yeah.

But just get it wrong every time.

Yeah, perfect.

End of the night.

Yeah.

Finish where you started.

But now you're Mr.

Swallow doing the sketch.

That's a really good idea.

I'll try it.

Try it in Reading.

I'll try it in Reading.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, we do it when your mum comes to see it.

Yeah, they're not coming to see it.

They're not.

No, no.

Nicholas, is it?

Is it what is it?

Is it stuff we've seen before?

I was like, well, you know, like, you've probably seen about 30 minutes.

Well, we won't, no, we won't come.

No, I mean, I'm literally going to Leeds.

I'm staying with them.

We're doing two shows.

No, well, we won't come then.

No, because we will have seen some of that.

I mean, this is why you've turned evil

and

spat on your reflection in the mirror.

It's because of them.

Yeah.

I've seen them.

James is referencing Ted Lasso, by the way.

He is referencing Ted Lasso.

A little fact for you.

My mum and dad were offered to play My Mum and Dad and Ted Lasso.

Amazing.

Right.

So, I mean, my mum and dad don't listen to this podcast, so I don't think that they'll...

I mean, I don't think they listen to podcasts.

So I think I'm happy to sort of speak freely.

They do listen to this podcast.

Let's face it, they'll probably skip the episode you're on.

Yeah.

They're not fans.

Yeah, they know.

They know what I like to eat.

We've had dinner with them.

We won't listen to that.

Oh, Watsie chip.

No, I don't need to know that, Nicholas.

No, no.

Just.

Just call me before you arrive and we'll put it in the fridge.

I don't know why it made me love so much your parents calling you Nicholas.

Always.

Or Nicolagi, because Greek, my mum's Greek, so she'd call me Nicolagi sometimes.

But yeah, so they were offered Theo Park, who cast her lasso, brilliant casting director, and always likes to kind of honor someone's heritage for like authenticity.

And, you know, this was at the point when they obviously didn't know that Nate's parents were necessarily going to be in it.

So this was sort of, but when that became clear that they were going to pop up in it in season two,

and I don't think this is a spoiler, but they do obviously pop up again in season three.

Suddenly we started having these conversations.

She was like, Nick, do your mum and dad like, would they, would they be up for it?

And so I did put it to them.

Yeah.

And like, so they're both retired now, but they're GP, my mum's a GP, my dad was a solicitor.

So not actors or performers, really, in any sense.

My mum got struck off.

No, she didn't really.

I just like,

oh, God, I really, obviously I'm joking.

Obviously.

So I put it to them.

My dad was up for it.

My mum was not and refused for him to do it.

So I think it was, it was a shit.

It'd be weird if just your dad was in it and they had to cast an actress to play his wife.

All in all.

So the kiss and seeds.

Okay, Nicholas, I'll do it.

Between me and dad.

Oh, God.

Yeah, I'm really.

I'm going to have to put them off.

I assume that's where it's heading, the resolution with that character.

Well, it's the only thing.

It's the only fine.

You snug your dad, and then you're fine again.

Yeah, and then your hair

all goes black again.

Chop Ted's head off.

Snug the dad.

I'm out of here.

Join, I don't know, Liverpool.

I don't know anything about football.

That's part of the problem, really.

There must be, I always think when there's a show created that has such dedication from fans,

if I was in charge of a show like that, I'd definitely be tempted to do something like that and end it with someone's head getting chopped off.

I feel like the heel turn

at the end of season two was sort of big enough for the fans.

The fans were like, what the hell have you done?

What are you doing?

And like, I get a lot of flack on Twitter still.

Yeah.

People not quite getting that it's fiction and i don't engage that moment where you spit in the mirror yeah so many people were like god that was so that's so stomach wrenching and so horrible and i was like hmm made me laugh out loud i'm not sure i should

you just knew it was me doing that yeah

that's really funny that nick's spitting at the mirror nick did that to give the crew a laugh

and they kept it in it was during covert i thought why not that's something empty a bit

it was it was i can't remember if it was, it wasn't improvised.

It certainly wasn't improvised because it wasn't my idea to spit.

But I can't remember if it was just something that we just thought, like, Jason was like, oh, and maybe do this.

It was definitely came from Jason, that Jason and Joe Kelly, one of the other creators and writers, saying that it was based on something that they had seen someone do, like a mutual friend, or they'd seen someone do something to kind of hype themselves up.

And they always found it a bit weird that they would spit.

I don't know if it was spitting on a mirror or it was just spitting as a thing.

And then I'm sure, I can't remember if it was scripted or whether they were like, oh, just try one way you sort of spit.

And then it became like a thing, which is sort of horrible, really.

But yeah.

I love, have people, has it gone off of Twitter and into real life?

People coming up to you and being like,

you should be nice at a tent.

No one being rude.

A lot of people, if they do want to chat, they want to chat about it.

And they're like, oh, you've, oh, you've not, don't, you've been very naughty, haven't you?

There's a lot of that.

But no.

And to be fair, like Twitter has been absolutely fine.

It was just a bit when that end of season two dropped it was quite full on like it was just a bit because i never experienced like never experienced anything like it and i and i was thinking about it the other day that you certainly doing i i didn't go drama school but i feel i feel like drama school does instill this in you from what i've heard that kind of idea that oh you should just get used to being in stuff that is really bad and that or that you know when you go to edinburgh you should really approach it with the attitude that no one's really going to see it everyone else will do better than you and you'll get bad reviews and you should approach like that but actually and you see i i i've sort of approached a lot of work like that and it is healthy i think to kind of not anticipate any kind of success and no one did with telasso even really even at the start but the main thing is no one teaches you how to deal with the fact that when something actually does kind of become a a hit and you and like i'm still not really used to it and because it's now it's a global platform and social media and everything.

I mean, it just, it's, it's come at a time, and obviously it came at a time when the pandemic happened, so everyone was kind of watching it.

so it was it was just very odd and i still don't i still don't quite can't quite understand it but it's nice and but and it's absolutely a once-in-a-lifetime i'm sure it will never ever happen again and you kind of try and ride away with it but you kind of it is very surreal very odd and it's just a casting it's just a casting that

you know happened to work out like you know it's nuts but i mean you know what happens in season three yeah do you think they're going to be after you even harder oh i can't give anything away

i nearly had him you didn't nearly i think i nearly had it and i've been you know i i'll try and get you

spoiler i i feel like i think it's fair to say it's going to be another roller coaster for nail for everyone really um i also genuinely don't know if it's the end or not i think it could be ah but interesting i don't know talking your dad well that's the thing that puts me in prison do they up the ante and then he like fart on the mirror exactly exactly expose your cheeks fart on the mirror oh god something

something popped out and what's that?

Yeah.

Steams the mirror up.

You're right.

I don't believe on the mirror in the far.

Oh, God.

I don't believe.

But then you put your hand on it as you walk out.

Like in Titanic.

Yeah.

Smear it across.

Oh, this is horrible.

It's all good ideas, though.

Yeah.

If you go to the writer's room, get me an edit.

Well, we all start with still or sparkling water, Nick.

Yes, you do.

You've got some water with you right now that you brought in yourself.

Oh, this is squash.

Oh, it's squash.

So I'm used to water being in those kind of containers.

This is still water.

Is it a Ted Lasso bottle?

It is actually a Ted Lasso bottle, yeah.

Oh, yeah, Nick's got a Ted Lasso.

Ted ASC with it.

It says Nick on it.

That is literally from like day one of like filming season three.

They wrote Nick in it.

So, you know, they knew whose was whose.

And weirdly, even though I have washed this every day, it still has, I mean, what kind of ink is that?

That's a boring thing to say, isn't it?

That's a boring.

Okay, it's

still water.

Normally, I would try and put our guest at ease, but yes,

that is a very boring thing.

The worst thing they've ever heard.

It's still water from the fridge.

So we just moved house in December, and it's a fridge with one of those things on the front where you can get ice crushed on the front.

Someone's getting American telly, but here we go.

He's got one of those fridge.

No,

it was left there.

We didn't buy it.

It was left there by the previous owners.

But it is nice.

It is nice.

Who's the previous owner?

Elon Musk.

So it's one of those fridges that can dispense.

I mean, I assume it's pure water.

It's not just coming out of the fridge.

Like it's sort of like old sort of fridge water.

It's all the stuff that's dropped off like chicken when you defrost again.

Sort of the back of the fridge, the filament at the back of the freezer, the cooling fruit.

Just been drinking cooling food.

Coolant.

No, it's water that comes out the fridge.

And then I just top it up with a bit of Robinson's orange and mango creations, I think the range is called.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And I've drunk squash forever and i'm sure it is bad for me but i've got good teeth so i kind of i feel like you know it's not can't be that bad do you drink it instead of water oh no i'll have water sometime and i obviously won't bring squash to a restaurant um

but you can have it in this restaurant oh yeah well then great then i absolutely will have that still water with ice uh with a bit of orange um orange squash

Orange squash or orange and mango?

Oh, orange and mango.

Yeah.

Is that your go-to flavour?

It is now.

It used to just be normal orange.

The ones I don't, I don't like high juice,

which is the 50%

what's it.

They genuinely give me, like, I think a headache and, like, just make me feel unwell.

I don't know why, because I'll drink fruit juice, I'll eat fruit.

But there's something about high juice, there's something about, I don't know the way it's processed or something that,

I want the full sugary squash, but I tell you what I don't like is the double concentrated stuff.

Too much.

It's too much because you know that something has happened.

Why?

What do you think's happened?

Well, I mean, it's just boiled more, isn't it, or whatever they do to it, I guess.

It's

thicker.

I don't know how they make it.

What are you imagining?

Well, I think I'm imagining like someone sort of stirring a big vat over a big flame and they're sort of stirring it to kind of get it thicker and thicker.

And like the thicker it gets, the more sort of concentrated it gets.

Obviously, none of this is true because it's the same viscosity as the normal stuff, but it's the same viscosity as water bottles.

What's the point of the double concentrate stuff?

It just sends time.

So you can use less of the bottle that's plastic longer.

Less plastic.

But you can get them now in like seven centimeter diameter, like little pouchy things, which you can then, I assume, just put in your pocket and put like four drops in and it fills like, you know, a vat.

It turns like a bath of water.

Bright orange.

If you put a drop in it, you put it in your bag.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like a baroca.

It kind of turns it bright orange.

But you can get those.

And I'm not into those.

No.

So you're asking if this shows about what I don't want.

Yeah, so that's first on the list of things you don't want.

Yeah, yeah.

You've got more opinions on squash than anyone I've ever met before.

Oh, good.

And I mean that as a compliment.

Yeah.

You used to have material about squash.

I used to have some material about squash.

Yeah, yeah.

It upsets some people.

Yeah.

Really, really, really.

It was my nate turning evil.

A lot of people really

like, what is this?

You're a bad man for saying what you just said on stage.

Yeah.

I'd make fun of adults who have squash in the house and make themselves a squash in the house.

Oh, well, I'm that person.

And adults who don't have kids.

So you've got kids, so you're okay.

But I was drinking this way before I had kids.

Yeah.

I don't know what it is.

Is it like, I just like it.

I just really like it.

And I really miss it.

Like, if we don't have any in and we don't have any like Robinson's orange creations or orange and mango, like, I'm like, oh, I need to go.

Because, you know, you can't go to like, they won't stock it everywhere.

Yeah.

Like, you can't get it in M ⁇ S.

And I only say M ⁇ S is because it's down the road, so it's sort of the handiest one to sort of go and get stuff from.

But M ⁇ S, it's all high juice and double concentrate.

I really hate it.

We know how you feel about high juice and double concentrate.

We have got some in the fridge at the moment and I just want to chuck it down the sink but I won't because it'll be wasteful.

And the thing is, I will resort to hygiene if there's nothing else in and I definitely don't want water.

If you put double concentrate down the sink, it'd be like that Mr.

Mussel stuff that clears the pipe.

It's going to clear you right out.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what it does when you drink it.

Yeah, no, it would.

It would work wonders.

And I see those double concentrate things, partly because the packaging is the same as the sorry silos.

Keep on talking about it.

But I feel, you know, when you clean a dishwasher dishwasher and you have to put one of those things in upside down in a dishwasher, that's what they are, basically.

They've got the same nozzle, the same sort of thing to sort of only squeeze a very little amount out because you don't want to overdo it.

On set, when you're filming stuff,

is that like your one sort of diva thing where you're like, I need the creations, not hydration?

I'll just bring my own in.

I mean, I pretty much always will bring stuff in if I'm filming because otherwise you can just eat and eat and eat and eat.

I mean, all, I mean, acting it's so, I mean, basically, all I do is sit down for about 12 hours and like talk like that.

You know, just talk like that, which is really lethargic anyway.

And you can then just, if you want to, you can eat all day.

Yeah.

I mean, that sounds very vulgar, but you can't, I mean, but you can just eat a lot.

And the last thing anyone wants is for like an actor.

playing that role to have had like a like at lunchtime to have like cottage pie like loads of potato and like a hot pudding like a like you know but you can but that is literally and it's mainly for the crew the crew need it because crew are working and it's physical and they've got the worst outs but if you're an actor you do not need that much food like there never has anybody needed that amount of food for like doing so little and i so i will bring in a sandwich often and have something small and not try to avoid anything hot because otherwise i'll just be asleep by 2 30 and you can tell that from a performance when the first take of you spitting in the mirror was it orange coloured

Yeah, it's not enough orange and they're like, it just feels a bit weird, but it's orange.

We're just going to have to keep going until it's clear.

Yeah, yeah, it's parked.

Orange because of the squash.

Okay, I was imagining you'd had a cottage pie.

Oh, with like a sort of sweet potatoy kind of finish.

Yeah.

Bits of sort of brown in there.

Yeah, yeah.

A bit of mint.

Before we move on, I would like to know what your ratios are of concentrate to water when you make yourself a squash because you're such a of serve.

Oh,

I like it weak, like I do like it weak, you're not a monster.

Um, I kind of feel because I feel like you can, I mean, if it's too strong, because I'll often have like do a pint of it, and now we've got the ice thing.

I mean, I will, you know, be generous on the ice.

Yeah, I guess what if it's a pint glass, like possibly maximum two centimeters of squash, and then the rest will feel like a lot.

No, I think it doesn't feel weak to me.

That feels like a no, well, for a pint,

it's medium, is it?

Yeah, yeah it do it does and it just depends also what frame of mind it depends like if i if i feel like oh i do i do i should be drinking water i will make it really weak because i sort of feel oh i should i should get more water than the actual squash but if you're celebrating yeah if i'm celebrating i'll sometimes pop it in lemonade oh and my friend lee used to call that summer cocktail

He did.

When we were growing up, I used to put grapes in it as well.

In the summer cocktail.

Pop a grape in a summer coat.

Well, if you pop a grape

in any fizzy drink, it will float up and then float down.

Do you know this?

It goes up and down.

So it'll sink to the bottom.

Then all the, you know, the bubbles will cling onto it.

And then it comes to the top, the bubbles pop, then it goes back to the moment.

So you never know if a grape's a witch.

Exactly.

Yeah, they should have gotten onto that.

Yeah.

So you can do that.

And

that's an official summer cocktail.

Lemonade, orange squash, grape.

One grape.

Don't slice it.

And I once had it in a lemonade and like friends and my mum and dad were around and they thought it was like a martini with an olive in it, but I was only about 12.

So we're talking about in a dressing gown.

Tell us more about Lee.

Oh, yeah, I would like to know about Lee.

Okay, Lee is my best mate, best mate from home, best man at the wedding.

He is.

Absolutely brilliant.

He lives in, oh, he lives in Manchester now.

He was living in Glasgow for a while.

He's an air traffic controller.

He is, so we were at school together.

This all sounds made up, by the way.

Oh, yeah.

None of it's made up, though.

So he's best mate from school.

So he, so we were, I mean, I've known him since I was like eight, nine years old.

And weirdly, my mum was his family doctor, but that's not how we met.

We were just at school together.

And my mum sort of, you know, say represent if you're a doctor and represented some of the kids.

Like she's been in show business for too long.

You don't represent the kids.

Clients, doctors and patients aren't clients, are they?

No, no.

She,

what would you say?

She looked after?

She looked after, cared for.

They were under her

watch wing.

Watch wing.

Yeah.

Anyway, basically, so there's a bit of mr swallow is is lee like it was mostly based on this high school teacher who lee was taught by as well so we still laugh tons about some of like the lessons that we had which were sort of became sort of mr swallow material i guess but which were real legitimate stuff that this teacher used to sort of spout on about us in english but becca and i when we got married lee did a toast to the teacher who I won't name just because I won't name but um uh

because he effectively believes that the only reason I have a career is because of this teacher, basically.

But he is absolutely brilliant.

He has got the thing that I feel, I was trying to think about why he is a bit like Mr.

Swallow, because he's, I mean,

he's from Leeds, like I am, but he has far more of an accent than I do.

And, you know, he has got a lot.

I mean, he's sort of a little bit Mr.

Swallow-ish, but he would do things like he'd sort of wind himself up in the way that Mr.

Swallow would.

I remember when we once went on holiday together, I think we were like in Italy or Sicily, maybe.

And he kept on, we kept on passing this shop that that had like these marzipan chocolates in or something.

He's like, oh, Nicholas, we're going to have these.

Oh, these are going to be great.

Oh, we'll have these.

These are going to be, oh, I can't wait to have one.

He's all winding himself up about having one of just one of these.

But the shop was always closed.

Oh, get me and then I'm going to have one of them.

Oh, I can't wait to have one of these.

And he got one.

And he bought one.

I'm only laughing because other friends of mine who were on that holiday know listen to this and they will absolutely relate to it.

But he bought one and it was massive.

It was like the size of like a toffee app.

It was really thick, like a sphere of like marzipan basically.

And he like, he unwrapped unwrapped it in the cellophane he's like oh and he used this phrase like oh nicholas and i would never say something like this but he's like oh nicholas this is sex on legs this you just wait oh look at it and he ate he took a massive bite out of it was literally almost like sick i was like oh no never again oh never

absolutely and like threw it in the bin made a huge kind of drama out of it i mean it's just very mr swallowed to kind of like be very kind of into something and like go from like naught to a hundred in the space of like

and then and then instantly switch like an opinion about it and then never have it again for his whole life.

Like to have written it off that quick.

That's the banana.

That's Mr.

Swallow and the banana.

That's effectively what the banana came from.

Yeah.

Was Lee doing that to some Mazipan sweets.

One of the things I've laughed at most in an Edinburgh show.

I remember sitting there.

Yeah, Mr.

Swallow and the banana.

Mr.

Swallow peeled a banana throughout a whole setup for a bit.

then biting into it and then you realise as an audience member that Mr.

Swallow's never had a banana before.

We don't know what it is.

You go, have you had one of them?

I just really like, I asked us all that, have you had one of them?

I've tried to to do it.

I've tried to do it since that show and can't quite get the rhythm of it right.

And so I've stopped doing it weirdly.

Because it was a fun, I remember it being quite a fun bit, and it was a bit that comics liked, definitely.

But I can't quite get the rhythm of it right.

So I've sort of thinking, oh, should I put it in something?

And then I've never quite got it right.

Yeah, so now as a bit, if you can't get the rhythm right or it doesn't do well,

it looks like insane.

Oh, yeah.

It looks like I've eaten look, it either looks real.

Yeah.

And people think I'm genuinely mad.

Or it just looks like a bad bit, like a bit of business which hasn't quite worked out.

Problems or bread.

poplums or bread

pop a doms james

james it has to be poppa doms yeah i don't want to fill up on bread i mean i know everyone says it and i'm also just i love crisps and um popadoms are very close to crisps and you can never fill up on popadoms i don't think it's possible to so i would i don't think anyone's had the chance

because you only get like what maximum two each

if you're eating out sure but you can buy a bag of those doing that those mini ones we do that a lot my my wife can eat can devour literally one of those big bags in like less than five minutes she did tell me don't say that um

specifically well no she didn't not that specifically she said don't talk about how much i eat

but it's not just her it's both of us yeah we can eat so much food and we do value quantity over quality when it comes to very it's very rare that people say that yeah we absolutely eat so much

i mean i've always I mean, we've eaten out, Ed.

We've eaten out, and I don't, and I, I, I feel like, and we probably ate out more in our student days, so obviously, I was very much a quantity guy back, yes, as was I.

I would occasionally go to weatherspoons and pretend there was someone else coming to join us so I could order another one because they just weren't big enough, and I would like legitimately just be like, oh, and they're having, and I put like a coat or something over the seat to make it look like, not that I was ashamed of it.

But you don't go to the toilet and come back as a different character.

I'm kind of clean at this.

Mr.

Squallow comes out.

No.

Oh, my God, what's that?

There's an amazing thing.

I don't know if you've ever...

You know Mark Wooten's character, Shirley Ghostman.

Have you ever seen it?

I would encourage everyone to see it.

It is so funny.

High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman is one of the great TV shows.

It was probably about 20 years old now, right?

It's him playing a psychic.

sort of entertainer kind of guy shout out to mark wooten's kids by the way they listen to this oh hello yeah yeah yeah i i i i bumped into mark wooden and he told me off and babs wiltshare as well he's brilliant yeah brilliant director babs

and uh but but abs was very nice about you know that the kids listened to it but mark was like they just never listened to us now because we've got you in their ears oh

so uh that's good you know so shout out to the kids they'll listen to this your dad's probably talking to you right now well mark wooden's that cat i mean mark in general is just incredible but that character in particular is so funny and he did it he did a thing and i think this is still on youtube because there's quite a lot of kind of sort of candid camera stuff about it wasn't it it wasn't it was you know it was he was doing it for real on unsuspect unsuspecting members of the public but there's one bit where he goes for dinner and it's just a table for two and he says he's going for dinner with princess diana uh the spirit of princess diana and and he tells the waiter that oh princess diana's with me and he's quite camped out and and he orders he orders for her and he's like what are you having and he orders for her and and eats both meals and chat like just has a conversation and it is absolutely priceless.

Yeah.

So as I guess so funny.

And my new best friend as well.

Oh, pump that out.

Lala Land.

Lala Land, brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant.

He's phenomenal.

My nephews watched Nativity for the first time.

Yes.

And one of my nephews really likes people to follow the rules and

behave themselves.

Yeah.

And he was absolutely furious of Mr.

Poppy.

Yeah, because he does nothing.

He does nothing.

He was like, Mr.

Poppy should get fired because

his behavior was irresponsible.

He's supposed to be looking after these children.

Yeah, and

he makes the same mistakes for three films.

Yeah, yeah.

It's furious that Mr.

Poppy watched that film.

Do you want dips with these poppadoms?

Yeah, I'll have dips.

I'll have all of them.

You eat so many poppadoms, we should call you, Mr.

Poppy.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Mr.

Poppy Dom.

Becca claimed that one of friends of hers came up with phrase, just poppadum down there.

And I was like, no, I mean, I think it was Rowan.

I think it was Rowan Atkinson.

If not, maybe somebody else.

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, Jason.

So, right, yeah.

Come on.

I mean, I don't even know who the fuck Becca is.

I'm guessing it's your wife.

It's my wife, and she's absolutely brilliant.

She is just phenomenal.

Anyway, what were we saying?

Poppadum's dips.

I would have the Raita.

I'd have the...

I quite like all the onion-y stuff.

If you get a takeaway, I love opening like cellophane bags of salad.

I love all of that.

It's sort of the only time I would probably have salad is with a curry.

Yeah.

And that's mainly onion really, isn't it?

It's all it's a hundred percent.

It's onion, there's usually a bit of lettuce in there, and I won't really have that.

And there's like half a tomato, usually, if you're lucky.

Yeah, wouldn't ever put some salad in a summer cocktail, which would float up and down.

No, no, not a summer cocktail.

No, it's very much a sweet thing.

I was going to say everything.

A summer cocktail.

I do love them.

You can't just do it.

Just try it.

It'd be delicious.

Yeah.

It's just sort of nicer than Fanta.

I mean,

yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's a big claim.

Yeah.

But you can obviously, but the thing is, literally, the world's your oyster because it can be any, choose any of those Robinson's flavours.

It's a different summer cocktail.

I mean, you say the world's your oyster.

You are limited to the Robinson.

You're limited to the range, yeah.

And I guess two types of grape.

Yeah, two types of lemonade.

Yeah.

People are going the clear one and the cloudy.

No, never cloudy.

Always clear one.

You won't see your grape.

Then the fun's ruined.

And then the fun's ruined because you don't know if it's gone up or down oh that's more exciting

you just look at the surface you're just yeah timing it and what's nice at the very end you finish your summer cocktail usually there's a little bit of ice left and the grape at the bottom so you wait for the ice to dissolve and then you have the grape at the very end like you would i guess a martini is that right you'd have the olive at the end of the martini

at the start well

if there's like three how long you making it last

i'd have a sip I'd have an olive, then I'd maybe have a couple more sips, then another olive, and I'd have one olive at the end.

Oh, okay, because you want the salt.

but the fun thing that you can do with the grape at the end is that or you can convince yourself that it has absorbed some of the lemonade

so you can convince yourself that the the grape is fizzy but you know that's not true but you know it's not true it's just psychosomatic yeah yeah yeah because it's all fizzy fizzy fizzy so then when you eat it does your do you genuinely genuinely check your brain need to kind of burp because you're kind of like oh i've had a really sort of a big grape like a grape that's full of gas big fizzy grape yeah if we could uh you know for this menu genuinely sauce you you know magic you up with genie powers a grape that's full of lemonade would you like that would you like one in the summer cocktail yeah yeah i'd absolutely pop one in yeah and i'd have it as like a like a free re like i remember i love the the free refill sort of thing i love it so you you got your orange and mango squash at the start instead of the water but now as the meal starts do you want it to be refillable summer cocktails no actually i'm already switching because i'm having wine aren't i i don't know yeah i am

are we jumping ahead to to your drink sauce now?

I wanted to know.

I don't want to.

No, let's not jump a little bit.

Let's not jump ahead.

We won't jump ahead, but I've got

wine, aren't I?

Well, I am having wine, but I'll have something very specific with wine, and we'll get onto that later if you like.

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Your dream starter.

Right, okay.

So we're eating at home.

Oh, we're not eating out.

If we were eating out, it would be deep-fried mozzarella corrosor.

It would be deep-fried mozzarella.

Again, and similar to the poppad-ons, I don't think you can really fill up on it I mean I know it's rich because it's deep fried cheese but you can never it's not there's something about it the squeakiness of it I don't know the fact that you never get tons of it unless you're in I don't like Budapest I remember once going to Budapest and I ordered it as a starter and it was like I mean it was it could sort of feed a family of four but um

as a no I mean I know you're not an observational comic as such Nick no mainly because of sentences like you never get tons of fried mozzarella unless you're in Budapest yeah

like a weird line from a Marvel Marvel film, right?

Black widow would say that.

Okay, that's good.

It's so funny.

But

I would say

Budapest, I'm sorry.

Well, it's the only place I've had it where I've just had so much that I can't finish it.

Or it's prevented me from finishing it.

Was it a holiday?

It was a stag do, but not.

It wasn't the kind of guy who wanted like a Lairy sort of stag do-y kind of thing.

So it was a very civilized European city break.

Yeah, the only person who chucked up was you because you ate too much.

I remember at the end, even though we were only there for three nights, really craving some sort of green sort of vegetables but there's a lot of deep-fried cheese and stuff which i did eat a lot of but i would have that from

lee wasn't there no there's a different bunch of friends this was friends from durham although actually weirdly him and lee did know each other because they both were in doncaster for a while um and so they have met but didn't get invited uh no not to the stag do no i don't know him that well but they did know each other at my our wedding you know said our wedding and gesture to ed yeah yeah well that's nice did you not know i didn't know

well.

What were we saying?

So I would have ordered deep fried cheese if I was eating out.

And my rule for eating out is usually only order something that I would never make at home, which I think makes sense.

Or something I couldn't make at home or just wouldn't have the time for or wouldn't have the skills to.

I think you can make deep-fried mozzarella at home.

But it's a psychological barrier for me.

I'd have to get a load of kit.

I'd have to get it all lined up.

I'd have to know what I'm doing.

I mean, I just don't have the time.

That's cooking.

I know.

And it is bad.

And I should sort of put aside more time for cooking but we've got two kiddies and another one on the way i mean we don't want to be deep frying with we can't be deep frying in that kitchen

especially if you're doing budapest quantities yeah yeah it is delicious though and maybe we should just see and we don't have a deep fat fryer could get one i i think this i mean i might be wrong you've got a better memory than me i think this might be the first time in however many episodes that someone's chosen the dream restaurant just to be in their house yeah i think it is is it actually yeah yeah and uh also not only have you chosen it to be in your house so that's the location, but you're also saying, from what I gather, that you want food that you could make at home.

So you don't want to be in your home, but you'll have the deep-fried mozzarella because it's dream restaurant magical stuff.

You're going, nope, I still want the practical, like the restrictions that come with being at home.

Oh, I see.

The home-cooked meal.

Yeah, yes.

Yes, I'm because I am thinking as well, slight ease, because I'm assuming I'm cooking it or

family members are cooking it.

You're asking us like we've decided it.

This is all

true, yeah.

No, but so if you want to no, I'm not, no, I'm not, no, I'm not, I'm not deviating from wife's.

No, you stick to your guns.

Yeah, so really, what I'm saying is, so deep-fried mozzarella aside, um, it's what I call tortilla sagna.

So it's basically it's Doritos, so nice big, um, sort of white, white dish.

No, it don't have to be a white dish, it could be any dish.

Um, like a glass, what are they called?

Perspective, you know, there's Pyrex.

Pyrex dish.

Big Pyrex dish, a layer of Doritos, cheese, layer of Doritos.

North Nick.

Cheese.

Say again?

Nacha.

No, okay.

Well, it's nacho.

Yeah, but like tortilla lasagna is.

Yeah, tortilla lasagna.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, Caroline.

And then, and then obviously jalapenos and then all the different sort of sauces.

And this is the, I think, the surprise is that if you put the sour cream in the oven, it doesn't melt, like you'd think it would melt or something.

It doesn't.

It sort of stays.

It's like hot sour cream, which is.

So you put the sour cream on before you put the tortilla lasagna on?

Well, no, I pop the layers of the cheese and the tortillas sort of, you know, they'll go in for however long they're going for,

five minutes.

Yeah.

And then bring it out, add the sauces on, bit more cheese and the jalapenos, and then pop it back in again for another five minutes, and then dive in.

Love it.

And if you want to go fancy, you can put a bit of charita in it and stuff.

Yeah.

Do you want to go fancy?

Are you going to go fancy for your dream, mate?

Yeah, go on then.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, what layer is the charita?

Oh, it's not, it's not its own layer.

It's just sprinkled on top.

Well, I say guess the top layer.

So top layer.

Yeah.

Is this a hit with the whole family?

The tortilla the same thing?

Becca and I love it.

Yeah.

Absolutely love it.

Kids, they wouldn't touch it.

No.

No, they're too young.

We won't let them eat things like that.

So the image I'm getting of your home life now

is them, you know, they get something else.

They're quite plain.

They do eat quite plain food, actually.

Watch you and your wife eat.

They're very healthy.

They eat for, I'd say, upwards of three hours at a time.

Oh, yeah.

It takes us a while.

And what's good about it is that it can take you a long, like you said, it can take a long time to eat it, partly because of the sheer quantity.

Yeah, the kids have finished their little bag of baby carrots.

Yeah,

because it's one of those, because you can't make a small quantity either, really.

You can only make a big quantity of that.

I'm sure that's not true about me.

Yeah, it's not true at all.

No, I'm saying it's true.

Yeah,

it's up to you, isn't it?

How big the quantity is?

Yeah.

But I feel like you can eat it over a nice long period of time.

It's just nice that the cheese just sort of glues everything together.

Cheddar?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah,

yeah.

I'm just trying to think, we will occasionally, and again, it is just laziness, and I do apologise for this, but we will, because it's packaging as well, but we will occasionally buy those bags of already grated

cheddar and mozzarella.

I know, just grate it at home, Ed.

This is ridiculous.

I know.

We will buy, and we'll, and we'll be, you know, very heavy-handed with it as well.

Talking a couple of bags.

What flavour Doritos are you using in the tortilla design?

Cool flavour.

Cool original.

Cool flavour.

There's a very nice brand that Becca loved and then I think fell out of love with.

I can't remember why.

Which were like a Manchega and Olive.

Malamasa.

Yes, exactly.

A thicker, squarer, cheesier.

They taste healthier as well, I think.

They taste healthier.

Are they healthier?

No idea, probably not.

No, probably not.

And you probably get less in the packet than your normal pack of Doritos.

And so

you could use those and it would feel quite luxury.

But then it's a lot of cheese, then I think.

Yeah, yeah, it's a lot of cheese.

But I don't know why I'm finding every single detail so funny.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

It is great.

Really laughing.

I don't know why.

For me, it's just the fact the kids don't touch it.

But if we presented that to the kids, to be fair, they're very good at trying stuff, but

they would like everything separated.

So they would probably try every aspect of it, but they wouldn't want it together.

So if they have baked beans or something, they always want them separate in a little pot

on the side.

and like if they want cheese with something it'll be like a slice of cheese it's separate rather than say grated and melted into stuff and they all like even though they like pizza it's weird all of you are kids both of them both of them are like they want it all separated yeah but then they're individually quite fussy so they are you know Arthur will want grated with his pasta Finn would like a slice of cheese on the side and like Finn will have like tomatoes pasta Finn will have sweet corn so it's kind of like you know yeah they mix up a lot of cooking

it's interesting that cheese and beans have come up Nick I love cheese and beans Yeah, I really associate cheese and beans with you.

Do you?

Well, because every time we would go back to Durham to do a show or something, Nick would be so excited.

Fine, the show's going to happen, whatever.

It's like, yeah, we'll do the show.

Just so excited to go and get sausage, chips, cheese and beans.

Afterwards, always.

And it's still one of my favourite meals.

At one point, we were going to have that as our meal at the wedding, just sausage, chips and beans.

Because we

absolutely love it.

Still love it.

Would eat it.

If it could be, you know, the one meal you had to eat forever,

that beans on toast with cheese on it,

obviously, or pesto pasta.

I mean, that's different.

Are any of those your dream main course?

No.

Do you remember?

For some reason?

No, I've just put them right at the top.

They're the three.

I said they're the only things I would ever eat forever, and they're not even at the top.

So I have a distinct memory of going out for lunch with you once and you wanted sausage chips and beans.

Did it come in a dog bowl?

It came in a dog bowl.

Now, listen,

I thought this might come up.

i still sometimes eat out of a dog bowl now when we say no but when we say dog bowl let's let's be honest ed it was a gimmick like that plate was it mambo what was it called varsity varsity that's it yeah um it was a gimmick they were like oh and it's it's whatever it's a full english breakfast and it's served in a dog bowl like the idea of a dog bowl obviously puts in people's minds a big slabbery dog's eating out of it and then they're just putting your food in it and you gotta eat it like a dog like it is just a way of serving

and you can fit a bit more into it you don't know what happened well i assume it was clean.

Anyway.

Probably cleaned it after dog had eaten out of it, but it doesn't mean that like that hadn't happened in the past.

When you say people are going, oh, are you assuming you have to eat it like a dog?

I think you did.

Oh, I think I did for like for the photos.

Sure.

I mean, we literally have photos of it.

Anyway, so we've got a big silver bowl at home.

Yeah.

And occasionally I'm sort of like mixing sort of like pasta.

And this is like, you've got to remember, like, we're very tired.

We're like, we've sort of cleaned the house.

The kids are down finally.

And we're like, we're catching up, Becca and I.

and we're about to watch like Happy Valley or something.

And I'm sort of like putting pasta in a bowl and sort of stirring it all up and mixing.

And I just think, I'm just going to eat it out of this because I, because we're at home, there's no point in putting it in another bowl, which is what I would do.

This is a dog bowl.

Well, it's a silver bowl.

I think it's a bit too deep to be called a dog bowl, really.

But a little silver dog bowl.

It's got a bore on it.

It's got bore print on it.

It's got a great bit of a bone.

We bought it from Pets

at home.

But yeah, we're calling it a dog bowl.

But it is a, and I just think, and again, it's possibly a quantities thing.

You can fit a bit more in there than your average bowl.

And I only say that because I just don't want to get up again once I've sat down.

You know, I don't want to put it in another bowl, then after we eat out of that, then go back to the original bowl and put more.

It's just too many spoons.

It's too many bowls.

Also, you're kidding yourself.

I do that.

I need to make, you know, if my wife's out, I'll make a meal.

just clearly two servings.

Oh, yeah.

Put one serving in a little bowl, go through to the sitting room, sit down, eat that one serving, immediately back to the animal.

Why do I even bother doing that?

I need a big dog bowl.

Absolutely no point.

Eat it like an animal.

If there's any left, that's a bonus.

Put that in a bowl.

Yeah.

If you've not eaten it.

Put that in a bowl, put it in the fridge, eat it before I go to bed.

Yeah.

Lovely.

But anyway, I can't remember how we got to that.

But cheese and beans are

absolutely bliss.

Yes.

Absolutely bliss.

From Dirty Jane's.

Dirty Jane.

Well, that was

the name of the.

I want to call it it's not a tuck shop what do you call it like the takeaway

doctors representing people

Dosie Janes was the one outside Clute wasn't the one just up from Clute where you'd come out of the club you'd be very hungry because of all that dancing and

you'd order sausage chips and beefs the only way to end a night and we would we would just walk home and eat and chat yeah and it's great yeah what would you do and you could cover it in that garlic sauce i remember Ed, the last time we probably went to Durham together and we're gigging and we're sharing a travel lodge.

I remember we both woke up in that travel lodge and we're like, what's that smell?

And it was the smell of our takeaways.

Oh, yeah.

Because they were just so garlicky and smelly.

And the garlic sauce went on the sausage, chips, and beans.

I never had it.

You always had it.

I always had it.

Not on the beat.

On the sausage, chips and beans.

No.

What were you?

Were you Kebab?

No.

Here we go.

You were present when this happened because you came to a show and I've talked about it on the podcast before so we won't go into details the day that I accidentally ate four pizzas and didn't realize

and I finished off by going to Dirty James and having the Donner Kip pizza.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's too much innit?

Yeah, that's too many one.

Yeah.

Your dream main course.

Dream main course

roast.

The full works.

and i'm not talking like okay there are different levels of roast in our house there's a mini roast yeah now a mini roast is something that we all do for the kids this fucking house man

it's like a farm i love it a mini roast a mini roast is the kind of roast that i can i can cook a mini roast in probably about 35 minutes and it's something that i'd have on a weekday and and and we're kind of cutting a lot of corners on the mini roast it's sort of like do your stuffing in the microwave kind of territory 35 minutes you must be cutting cutting a hell of a lot of corn oh no potatoes so that's the key thing which i'm fine with now the other main thing you have to know about all the roasts whether they're mini i would say mini sunday roast christmas dinner right and and and and the christmas dinner is a fancy one and that's probably the one we're talking about but all of those share one thing in common which i think is quite unique is i have all of them with rice

No, but it's it's completely

the emphatic way you said that.

It's completely true.

And, you you know, we've already established in my mum and dad aren't listening to this.

But so my dad's from Trinidad.

So we all,

pretty much every meal was always served with rice when I was growing up.

And I love rice.

Like,

I mean, I probably have it at least once a day.

At least once a day.

It can't be that.

No, I don't mean that.

I mean at least every other day.

Most days.

Yeah.

But a roast.

The carbs of a roast for me, and don't get me wrong, I love roast potatoes, but the carb of a roast is just like a massive mountain of rice.

so a mini roast do you want me to go through all of them yes so okay so a mini roast for me it's an already cooked chicken that i'll then pop in the oven um if i get the timings right i'll try and really quickly make some stuffing and when i say stuffing i like something that's called sloppy stuffing which is basically where you over water it put butter in it and it still comes it just comes out as like a really viscous liquid like tar or something and you almost pour it over the chicken

like a sauce and just

like how mad it all sounds but it is just true You've got to ask about

sloppy stuffing.

Sloppy stuffing.

Is that you've called it that or is it just

a pre-existing thing?

And I know it's not a thing that people just know about.

No,

I don't know.

Well, you said what is called sloppy stuffing.

Oh, well, no, I mean in our household.

In your house, you know,

I need to say that.

Like mini roasting.

Becca came up with that term.

Becca came up with that term, and Becca doesn't eat it, I should say.

She likes stiff, well, traditional stuff.

She likes stiff

stuff.

But I don't like it in the book.

The reason it came about is because I would always pop a bit of butter in the stuffing, right?

When you're making it up.

And then she just really liked butter.

So I think I sort of started adding more and more butter.

Realized that's unhealthy, so I thought, well, I just had more water.

And then, and the stuffing balls are always just dry.

I've never had a stuffing ball wherever I've eaten, whether I've eaten at home or out or any, like, that's not just been dry.

Are they meant to be dry?

No, they're not.

But I guess there's just not much meat content in those, right?

No, there's no meat in the ones that I make.

So these are like the veggies.

So this is like the Paxo, you know, pour it in a whatever.

And I'm using, and we, and we make it in this, we've got this one Pyrex jug, measuring jug, spit chipped at the side.

I mean, I've had it, I think, for 25 years.

That's what we do porridge in.

It's what we do stuffing in.

It's what we do beans in.

It's going to go in the microwave.

What you feed the dog out of?

And

these extra details that are added in.

Yeah, the chip.

It's chip.

It's got a chip on the side.

No, no one needs to snow it.

I know.

I love it.

I think a lot of it's just tiredness.

It's such a vivid picture of your life.

Yeah.

Well, so let me finish the so the mini roast.

It's a chicken that goes in the oven.

No, sorry, the chicken breast.

Usually two, you know, you can get packs of two chicken breasts already roasted, but I'll pop it in the oven.

Pop in the, so do some stuffing, like really liquidy, pup it in the thing.

It's never gonna, it's never gonna solidify.

And I know that

in half an hour.

And then I'll do, I'll I'll have lots of, and then rice,

greens.

So it's either going to be broccoli, runner beans or green beans or something like that.

Or just one of them.

Sprouts.

No, no, no.

A lot.

I'll eat a lot of greens.

Oh, so for mini roasters, getting like a lot of greens, three types of greens.

Tons of greens, possibly a tin of sweet corn.

Okay, this is a mini roaster.

How are you cooking the greens?

Oh, just boiling them or steaming.

That's fine.

And then, obviously, cheese on top of those.

Yeah.

What kind of cheese?

Any cheddar.

That's great.

That greater cheddar back out?

Cheddar's back out of the fridge.

Cheddar, I will occasionally just buy a big old cheese sauce that you meant to put on pasta and just pop that on top.

How does that go with the sloppy stuffing?

Absolutely great.

And you put a gravy, hot pepper sauce on all of it.

That's again from my dad.

The mini roast sounds massive, Nick.

Oh, yeah.

And I said, I only think that the mini isn't sort of in terms of

the amount of food or I think mini almost just suggests the time of day that you'd have it.

Not the time of day, but the time in the week you'd have it.

So it's not a Sunday and it's not Christmas Day.

It's not an event.

So, Mini,

so mini doesn't really describe it very well.

I would also argue with the term roast, most of the time.

Well, the chicken's roasted, no, it's pre-cooked, and then you warm it up, but it is pre-cooked, it is roasted, right?

Someone roasted it, someone roasted it.

I boiled the veg, I did, I did you're microwaving everything else, yeah.

And by the way, occasionally, I'll switch out the chicken for a corner scallop.

And uh, but that's it,

But I don't eat much red meat, so I wouldn't like, you know, try and do top-sided beef or something in 30 minutes.

In 30 minutes, no.

Yeah, no, yeah.

So that's the mini roast.

That's the mini roast.

So on a Sunday, so the only thing that is

really you're adding to the Sunday is then it becomes a bit more of an event because it's then it's us with the kids and everything.

So then you might add Yorkshire puddings to it and probably a bit more veg, like a carrot and sweet.

Well, hang on, everything else is the same.

Oh, pretty much, yeah.

I thought you were going to say you roasted a

chicken.

No, oh, oh, well, no.

Like, I mean, so it's still warming.

It's still warming.

I think, if I'm honest, we'll, oh, God, it does sound bad, but yeah, I think so.

And we'll occasionally do sausages with it, though, because, well, because we love sausages and the kids like sausages, and there's sort of the pigs in blanket feel about it.

And, you know, that makes it a bit more of an event.

But we'll add like carrot and sweet mash, Yorkshire puddings, and there's something else else that we would add if it was like a sunday oh roast potatoes so yeah so we would then properly do roast potatoes yeah okay and do you still have rice i will always have rice roasted potatoes are there but you will have rice as well yeah i'll have like a few roast potatoes but they're they're always like the favourite of like you know the kids and becco and so they will i'll let them polish those off and i and i can just always just have more rice what kind of rice are you having oh god uncle always uncle ben's pretty much it's the best it is the best is it plain plain Plain rice?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we have got, we have got into the habit of getting pouches every so often because it is quick and easy.

And Tilda do do a huge range.

And they're nice as little, you know, little.

Not a pick-me-up.

You'd never describe it as a pick-me-up, but they're nice, they're nice.

Rice.

They're just nice to kind of have in.

Think, oh, you know what?

I just want something really quick and easy.

A pick-me-up.

Little rice.

What to ever say we do?

I'll just have a big pouch of rice.

It's for two people.

And it's got a weird flavour to it.

Shouldn't say that.

I love Tilda.

Tilda Swinton, we call it a hound.

Yeah.

Yeah, call it Tilda Swinton.

We call it Tilda Swinton.

I think if I nip round.

But I occasionally, sorry to interrupt, but I would occasionally have a basmatty one of those when you were saying, American Longrain is a go-to, but I would have a basmatty tilde swinton.

I thought you were doing it.

I do think if I...

If I nip around to your house, I wouldn't understand a word that you and your wife were saying to each other.

No, there's so much code.

Yeah.

And that's just like food.

There's so much code.

Oh, I love it, though.

Mini rose, sloppy stuffing, Tilda Swinson, Summer Cocktail.

Toque Lavania, for you.

Oh, God.

So that's what's special about Sunday Rose.

But then what we're having today in the dream restaurant is basically Christmas dinner.

But the thing about Christmas dinner is

I'm probably really referring to the Christmas dinner that I got served at home in Leeds, which because my mum's great, my mum and dad are actually very good cooks.

So my dad cooks a lot of Caribbean food.

My mum cooked a lot of Greek food.

And because of the nature of whatever Christmas Eve was, now Christmas Eve would sometimes be like my mum would cook meatballs and stuffed vine leaves.

And my dad would always do like a spicy rice with everything.

There would often be some of that left.

So Christmas dinner was everything I basically described, not sloppy stuffing because they weren't into that.

But we would add like meatballs and stuffed vine leaves to this.

Oh, yeah.

But then the weirdest, the weirdest one was when we then got into a habit of, because the Chinese, the local Chinese takeaway at home in Leeds, went on to Leeds for Christmas.

Like now we have it as a, Becca and I would have it family with the kids in in London and then would visit my parents in the week between Christmas and New Year's.

So it's not as elaborate anymore.

But we would always have a Chinese takeaway on Christmas Eve because it always was open on Christmas Eve.

And my mum was like, oh, we don't want, you know, we want everything kind of clean and ready for Christmas Day.

We'll set the table.

But then I would sometimes have the leftover Chinese takeaway as part of Christmas dinner.

Wow.

And that's adding, I mean, that's that is a step too far.

And I'm not suggesting that for the dream restaurant.

I just thought I'd mention it.

But you're not suggesting it because you think it's a step too far?

I don't think I, if you would like it, I think it's a great, I think it's quite nice a little bit of it then yeah so that's basically a little bit of beef satay it's it's chicken fried rice over long grain rice if there's enough left but then I can always top it up with long grain rice and like a bit of chow mein usually like a chicken chow mein or something like that and then you just have your full roast are you pigs in black so chicken fried rice chicken chow mein beef satay

you're talking about what I'd order from a Chinese now no no no we're talking about what the what the roastovers are what the Christmas dinner roast is so what you've got on the plate I'll tell you absolutely everything and

I'm not making it up.

So, it's a roast now, no one thinks you're making any of the things.

Okay, so my

again, don't eat tons of red meat, but we would usually have lamb.

But I think it's a generation thing of thinking that lambs and like pink means you can't eat it, right?

Basically, so it was always and still is, and no one's had the heart to tell them, but it's always hideously overcooked, yeah.

So, it's really dry, but you're like,

Dream meal, yeah, so you want the dream meal, you want that red meat.

So, yeah, well, for nostalgia, yeah, for kind of like a nostalgic reasons.

So really overcooked lamb.

Okay, so lamb.

Then we've got just your normal bisto gravy, which nowadays actually gives me the runs, if I'm honest.

Okay.

But I don't know why, but

we've since had it and we're like, we can't, we can't hack it.

I think it's because we're used to veggie gravy now and stuff.

So I think this meat gravy is a bit too good.

But you want this, you want...

But I'd like it for this meal.

Yeah.

Diet of meal.

Yeah.

Straight after.

Okay, so we've got that.

Great.

So Yorkshire puddings, which I would make myself.

Now, the thing, again, is I sort of half-followed a recipe probably when I was 15, and then I thought I knew it.

So, they would always be very doughy, very eggy, like over-egged.

They would rise, but I'd add things to them.

I'd add like herbs to them, like and stuff like that.

Mint sauce, I do sometimes put stir mint sauce through it, it's quite a good thing.

Um, and then they have a slight mint flavor to them, they're very nice, but they're quite doughy, but they're really doughy and quite heavy.

But my family got used to them, and everyone was like, Oh, Nicholas does make really nice Yorkshire pudding.

And then it became like this is, I think, the thing with my child.

I was always sort of told it was fire, and actually, it was mad.

Yeah, yeah, well, because you made big, doughy, big doughy

minty yorkshire puddings yeah so then rice we've talked about maybe those chinese things pigs in blankets there might be a like a meatball on there there might be a stuff i leave on there and then in terms of veg so roasted potatoes obviously in terms of veg carrots parsnips peas sweet corn broccoli green beans i'd always then put a little bit of like French mustard on like the green beans put a bit of salt on the Yorkshire pudding uh the uh the roasted potatoes put a bit of black pepper on the rice weirdly still still do that now.

Bit of lemon on the chicken.

Oh, yeah.

That's a Greek thing.

Squeeze lemon on the bottom.

There's chicken on this as well.

Yeah, there's a roast chicken.

Yes.

No, no, no, oh, no, there's nothing.

If we had chicken,

we'd put lemon.

I wouldn't put lemon on the lamb.

And then the weird, and then hot pepper sauce.

And then the weirdest thing that I think my mum still does now,

unless it's an IBS thing,

as in she wouldn't possibly have it now.

Because she's got a lot of things.

Try and guess, try and guess what she would then,

she would have with it and it got me into it and then I only ever have it now if I go home and have a roast but I would never but guess what she then has with it a massive pot of coffee no it's it's a solid and it's a vegetable

sorry I'm still thinking about the just the the i the glossing over the ibs thing

so much yeah yeah um

i mean there's a lot of glossing over that's happening here cauliflower no

i mean if it

clearly it's going to be something that's very you say it's very weird marrow No, no, you're kind of edging sort of closer.

I'll just try to say what.

No, no, no.

It's just a big piece of raw onion.

She just, just a nice big piece of raw onion that you just have with

white onion, yeah.

Yeah.

And it's really not, it is really not like you chop you just chop off little bits of it during the meal and have it with it.

But it is really weird.

But we've like, we've been so kind of accustomed to it.

Like, yeah, that's, that's what you, that's it.

That's normal.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

so you've got the big bit of raw so you've had like the chopped up raw on your on your pop my dad would always get really naughty because he'd just sit down and my mom's like my gee the onion and so then he'd have to go and peel an onion and like chop it into four chop it into four

uh yeah so that's what i'm having yeah yeah absolutely insane yeah one of the worst

And also

and also when you see, oh God, I hit the mic.

When you see it, and I actually got the giggles the other day because we did have a roast on Sunday.

And and I just looked at it and I was starving because I'd been jogging and that's the worst time to then cook because then you just cook too much and I just looked at it on the plate I was sort of halfway through it and then just looked at it and was like oh my god what is it

it was so messy it was so it was just so sloppy like it was just because there's gravy and there's rice floating around every cheese sauce hot pepper everything and oh god what are we teaching the kids