Ep 180: Reece Shearsmith

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check left.

Terms apply.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with select phone trade-in and my plan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with my plan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to then-current-based monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, slicing the squid of conversation.

Dunking it in the batter of good humor and frying it in the oil of the internet.

We're making podcasts calamari, baby!

I absolutely love that.

My name is James Eddie Calamari and that is

Ed Squidball?

Ed Squidball and of course we are joined as ever by the wedge of lemon.

This is the great Bonito.

Squirty Squirty Wedge of Lemon.

Spray him over all the food and you might not see him but it the flavor is there.

It's not the same without him.

Yeah throughout the podcast the flavor is there man.

You gotta squeeze you but you gotta give him a squeeze.

Yeah.

He's sharp.

He's abrasive.

He's yellow.

This is the Off-Menu Podcast.

We have a dream restaurant, Ed and I.

And we invite a guest every single week.

We ask them their favor ever.

Starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is...

Rhys Shearsmith.

Oh, Rhys Shearsmith.

League of Gentlemen, Inside Number Nine, Psychoville, and many, many other brilliant things, James.

Ahoy, Mahattis.

What's that?

National Treasure.

We're in National Treasure territory.

Yeah, for sure.

Not buried Treasure, actually.

Not buried treasure.

I just realised pirates is more buried treasure.

Yeah.

As of when we're recording this,

B.

Shearsmith is not buried.

We'll save the pirate impression for when we release an episode with a National Treasure who, since recording the episode, has passed.

Yeah, and there will be buried treasure.

Yeah.

And

I mean, this is a guest who will love it when he's dead.

Yeah.

B.

Shearsmith, I imagine, is very much looking forward to being dead.

Yeah, yeah.

He loves all that stuff.

He loves all that stuff.

Hopefully we'll get a dark menu maybe.

Some spooky stories.

Some spooky stuff.

But hopefully he will not die before he does the whole run of the Unfriend James.

It's a new play that he's in.

Very much looking forward to seeing it.

It's been written by Stephen Moffat and it's been directed by Mark Gatis.

I mean come on.

This is the dream team we're talking here.

This is very exciting.

I really like the sound.

I mean hopefully we'll get We'll get some more info from Reese about it.

I'm sure we will.

It's on right now at the Criterion.

It's a strictly strictly limited season.

So go to the unfriend.com to book tickets for that.

I'm going.

Maybe you'll be there on the same night as I am.

Yeah, I'm going.

Maybe you'll be there on the same night as I am.

So, listen, I love Reese Shearsmith.

I'm going to try not to fanboy out.

But if Reese Shearsmith says a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable, we will kick him out of the dream restaurant.

We will.

And this week, our secret ingredient is...

Special stuff.

Special stuff.

It's a reference.

It's a reference.

It's a reference.

You know the reference.

Frefreur.

You know the reference.

That's a reference.

It's the reference.

Rest for the reference.

Welcome to the reference.

Gonna level with you.

This is the first thing we've recorded today, and I've not really slept very well.

Hence, I can't say the word reference.

Yeah, I feel fit as a fiddle, though.

So I'm

very one of those rare occasions where I'm picking up the slack.

Yes, please.

Please pick up that slack.

But this is what it sounds like when I'm picking up the slack, is that you do notice that there is slack there still.

But don't worry, there will be no slack in this interview.

Very excited to chat to Reese Shear Smith.

Special stuff is some League of Gentlemen, by the way.

Yeah, they know that.

Well, some people might not know

if they're excited to listen to this and they're like, Reese Shear Smith, they're going to know special stuff.

It's people in the pies.

No,

they never say.

That's the point.

Yeah, yeah.

But we know it's people.

No, we don't.

Do we?

We do know it's people.

We don't know it's people.

Special stuff.

Why does it give people nosebleeds?

Yeah, that's a good point.

Yeah.

This is the off-menu menu of Rhys Shearsmith.

Welcome, Rhys, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

Thank you for having me.

Welcome, Rhys Shearsmith, to the Dream Restaurant.

I've been expecting you for some time.

Thank you very much.

Now, I need some clarification about what the Dream Restaurant can do.

Yeah.

Because can it shrink me down to the size of a sparrow?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

Right.

Of course, you've got a genie here.

You know, the genie could do that.

Yeah.

Good.

Because my location, if you want to know it, is a nest.

So

if that's all right.

Yeah.

It's allowed.

It's all right.

It's allowed.

Good.

Hold on.

So the dream best jump for you is a nest, or you're the size of a sparrow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can't say it's come up before, but it is allowed.

I guess we'll ask why.

Really?

Yeah, I wonder if you were going to ask it, but it's the reason is when I was little, I read a very little-known Roll Dahl book.

It's very slim, called The Magic Finger.

And in that, it's not really celebrated.

Maybe you'll know why when I explain it.

About a girl that turns the next-door neighbours that she doesn't like into sparrows.

Yeah.

Birds.

Yeah.

And then these big birds end up in her house with arms.

But they've got wings.

I'm not bothered about the wing part, otherwise I can't eat the meal.

Yeah.

But one of the nicest bits in in it, it's not meant to be nice.

I reread it recently.

You know, when you have that strange memory when you're sure of things and you look back at them and they're completely different.

Yeah.

Me and Marcus Steve have a collective memory of an armchair thriller with Martin Jarvis who gets sent a box of chocolates and he opens it up and it's dog shit rolled into chocolates.

And that's not true.

That never happened.

It happened, but it wasn't Martin Jarvis.

What a weird collective memory.

I feel like you've remembered the main bit of that though.

Also,

if there was an armchair play with Martin Jarvis and he just had some chocolates and you'd all remembered some dog shit being wrapped up in there, that'd be weird.

Yeah, I guess so.

Also, if I was to kind of like think what part of that TV show you three had made up in your heads, it would not be the Martin Jarvis part.

It would be people eating dog shit in a box of

like

so anyway the the uh yes the story of the magic finger by Roll Dahl is this little girl transforms these mean neighbors into sparrows and they have to make a nest to sleep because because they can no longer live in the house.

They build a nest and it's in a tree and one of the nicest, coziest bits of it in my memory, and this is sort of trajectory for my entire menu, for my dream restaurant endeavors,

because it's a nice, cozy feeling.

And increasingly as I get older, all my, I cling on to the nice memories of childhood that make me feel happy.

One of these memories was when they build this nest and they're in it for the night, it pours down with rain and they're in the nest.

And it's it's just a very cozy memory of i remember thinking i'd like to do that and be in a nest at night time yeah whilst it's raining yeah pitter patter on the trees and in fact a raging storm maybe it's a little bit like being in a tent when it's pouring down with rain something great about it isn't there so that's where i want that my meal to happen first of all lovely yeah absolutely so you can get the stuff up the tree no problem that's all fine

good well that's where we are then are you a sparrow forever then after that or

she is kind the girl turns them back and then there's a redemptive quality to the story.

But you in the dream restaurant, you're down to the size of a sparrow to eat the meal.

Yeah.

Are you then going to be full-size Reese again?

While I'm eating.

No, after you've eaten.

Oh, after I've eaten, yeah, I go back to normal, yeah.

I come down from the tree, the meal's over.

You wouldn't be full then.

I go about my life.

You have to refer to yourself as full-size Reese.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's not, you know, the meal isn't now going to be an extension of this whole situation with like worms or anything.

Yeah.

Then the meal is the meal.

Human food.

Fuman food.

Is it raining during the meal so you can hear the bread?

Yeah, yes.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Definitely, yeah.

Otherwise, there's no point to the nest?

That's what you wanted.

Definitely, yeah.

Are you a fan of food in general?

Are you a foodie?

I was thinking about am I a foodie?

I'm quite obsessed with my weight and not but only through vanity for filming so I always try to not err on getting fat but I think I could easily be I could eat a lot of food and unbidden and become do you ever not think about writing an episode for the next series of Inside Number Nine where you do like a sort of method thing where you allow yourself to change body shape to play a character?

That would be so good, yeah.

I mean the best characters, and we don't do it very often now, but is when you wear padding.

Because then it doesn't matter what's happening to you underneath.

It's the best ever when you wear like size 40s trousers or whatever it might be.

But it's increasingly hard to not remain slim.

I have a very strict, and I...

I've just recently broken my foot, so I can't do it, but I'm quite on the side of fitness.

I have a morning regime with these very rich ladies that we've got like a Sergeant Major man that does a workout with us every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

You're in the rich ladies.

The sergeant major man.

Yeah, and the sergeant major man.

That's not his name.

I'm not going to tell him his name.

But yeah, and he's kind.

He's like a sergeant major, but he's nice with it.

Yeah.

So

you don't get told off.

You're encouraged.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's outside and it's nice and it's all weathers.

And we, and I used to really like doing it.

I've not done it for too long now because I've was filming and then that's that stopped it.

And then I broke my foot, so I've not been able to get back on it.

It's gutting, isn't it, when you find a muscle type of exercise you enjoy and you're actually doing it quite regularly.

Yeah.

You're like, I'm getting back on it, especially like, you know, since the pandemic and stuff.

Absolutely.

We all fell behind that kind of stuff.

You start getting back on it again.

And then something like breaking your foot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like, God damn it.

A silly, silly accident.

Yeah.

And you, and it is like being through a door, isn't it?

You're either completely fully doing it and can't not do it.

Yeah.

Or you just,

why did I ever think I was doing that?

I don't do that.

I cheat.

So I'm the other side of the door at the moment with the door firmly closed and just looking through at all the fit people.

Yeah, all the rich ladies.

Yeah.

Would you ever go down to hang out with the sergeant major and the rich ladies with the broken foot just to sort of pick up the vibes?

I might walk by with

a cane

at 9 a.m.

in the morning where I know they'll be marching them down the steps and rolling and doing you know blown work on the on the side of the hill

and look at them enviously weirdly.

But yeah I don't know it would make me feel too unfit to do that.

I have to I mean in it or out of it and there's a WhatsApp group and I sort of mute the WhatsApp group Yeah.

Because I can't bear that.

I still see everyone nine o'clock tomorrow.

And thanks for a great morning.

It was great, wasn't it?

No, I wasn't part of it.

You've all lost done about a thousand calories.

I've done nothing.

I've eaten some jaff cakes.

So that was a constant reminder of how much I'm not doing.

So food-wise,

it's a slight adversarial quality to food because I try to eat healthily but not I'm sometimes

Then I go on that weird crash course of having slim fast and dieting and trying to be thin for a duration and then not mind again because I think I'm not, no one's going to take a picture of me now for ages, so it doesn't matter.

It's the pictures that's the only reason.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the only reason I'm even now not

shaven today.

And you know, why would I be if I wasn't coming to see you?

Oh, so

special, yeah.

I put clothes on.

I mean, I only maintain the existence of a humanoid form because I am in front of people at certain times in my existence.

So that's the only reason like you do any type of thing.

Any manners?

Washing.

Being polite.

Yep.

If I didn't have to encounter any people, which I don't like doing,

I think I'd be some sort of troll creature.

Yes.

Why not?

No need for it.

It's good for not being recognised as well.

Of course, yeah.

Well, talking about middle-class English obsession with good manners.

You could do it doing a play soon called The Unfriend.

That's right.

That's really good, James.

What a good link.

Yeah.

Not bad, eh?

No.

It's probably my better one.

It's seamless to me.

I mean, barely even know you've brought it up.

Yeah, I'm quite pleased.

Well, I heard you dropped the manners thing in, and I was like,

that's rung a little bell in my head.

And he said, talk about, and I thought, we haven't really been talking about it,

I hadn't really been about it.

No, so in fact,

no, no, it's all right, it's fine, actually.

It's a good fact.

Yeah.

And yes, I am doing a play about manners, I guess you could say that.

Yeah, Stephen Moffat wrote this play called The Young Friend, which we did in Chichester at the festival theatre last year.

It's about, it's a true story about his his neighbours who went on a cruise.

It's sort of an unbelievable story, but it was all true and he listened to them and he said, can I have this

as an idea?

And he wrote a play about it.

Debbie and Peter, his neighbours, went on holiday on a cruise and they met and befriended this American lady on the deck of the ship and they sort of got to know her over a few,

the couple of weeks they were on the cruise.

They parted their ways at the end and she said, oh, we must get swap email addresses.

We're keeping contact.

And they thought, well, fine, we do that, but we'll never see her again.

And within like a month, she was emailing saying, can I come and stay with you?

I'm coming to England.

And they were like, Oh, okay.

And so they wrote back sensitively, yes.

They'd friend, they'd done like, is it a friend?

I don't do Facebook.

You do friends on Facebook, don't you?

Yeah.

It's quite

the unfriend, because they, when they found out about Elsa, they unfriended her, right?

And the wife, Debbie, googled her to find out a bit more about her because they're like, well, we don't even know who she is.

Now she's coming to our house and we've got children, blah, blah, blah.

Rang the husband when she found out, come home.

I need to tell you something that I've found out about Elsa.

Don't think the real name was Elsa.

what's happened tell me I can't tell you over the phone you've got to come home so she's coming home you come home

what's the worst thing you could find out about someone that's coming to stay with you I don't know guess Debbie I don't know what is it guess I don't know murderer yes

and she was a murderer and she'd killed I think her

father definitely her father and a couple of an old couple of old ladies all for greed and got off on her technicality.

Definitely did it.

Jeez.

And was out.

And so in real life, they just emailed and said, of course, you can't come.

We've got children.

No.

We don't want anything more to do with you.

And

that was the end of it.

We never heard from her again.

In the play, they're too polite and too British to say no.

Yeah.

So she comes.

And it's this sort of awful situation that just gets worse and worse for this family that have got this murder poison in the house.

Very funny play.

And I'm very delighted it got a transfer.

So we're doing it again.

And directed by Mark as well.

Directed by Mark Gatis, my old cohort, yeah, which was great fun.

Stephen Moffitt wrote it.

Amanda Abington is playing my wife.

It's a really funny play.

It's sort of not...

There's no bigger meaning other than hopefully you will come and just laugh.

It's just funny, I think.

As if that's a bad thing, but it's not.

I think in the days we're in, it's quite good just to have a laugh.

So, yeah, that's what I'm going to be doing at the moment.

Fantastic.

And that's on until the 16th of April as well.

That's right.

That's such a long time for you to have to, you know, shave and be presentable.

I know.

You're right, Dave, actually.

Yes.

There is that to having to do it at theater.

You've got to be at a certain place.

I mean, I'm sure you know what it's like.

Everyone does when you've got a list of,

not even in the week, but just day-to-day things.

I just love it when things get ticked off and you achieve them.

Yeah.

I don't know what happened when one day when I don't have anything in the diary, but I sort of love it and don't love it.

I'm always busy, but I don't, and I strive for the day where it's like decks are cleared, but then within a minute, now what?

What am I doing?

Yeah.

I'm failing.

So it's an endless...

It's a torture.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what it is.

It's not a happy thing.

No, it's not happy.

Life's a torture.

Life's a torture.

Yes, no, exactly.

This is why I need to go in a nest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

While it's raining.

While it's raining.

Exactly.

You understand, don't you?

Yes, I understand.

Good, good.

We always start with still or sparkling water.

You see, and again, you plunge me into a dilemma.

Because and I was thinking about this whole idea of going to a restaurant.

It's massively stressful for me.

In the same way it is as going to the cinema.

They're going to come sit next to me.

They're going to talk all the way through it.

They are talking all the way through it.

Do I say anything?

The light, please let me check in the text all the way through.

Oh, they are doing a running commentary of what if, shall I say something?

Oh no, shall I move?

Is it, now have I left it too late?

Same thing applies with the minefield of going to a restaurant to me.

They put me near the toilet.

I'm near a draft.

I can't bear it.

Those people are too loud talking.

So there's constant things.

And one of the first hurdles is the passive-aggressive still or sparkling.

Because to me, it's just, oh, they were trying to bump the price up and they want me to buy water.

I just want to say tap.

Yeah, yeah.

And if it's raining, I can just put a little, maybe half eggshell out and just collect some

water.

Yeah.

I don't really.

I'm not sure you're in the nest for a second.

Yeah.

Weirdly don't like being next to the toilets if you have the pit a patter of rain so much.

I know, I mean,

that's very different to the pit-a-patter of piss.

Yeah, you know, it's a different link.

But if you push push me to answer and it's and if it's free in the dream restaurant sure a sparkling now if you're a bird yes can you have sparkling because i thought it exploded their stomachs that's a

size of a sparkling i thought that was pigeons and parasitismal ah because i thought it was i think i've done it

you think you've done it

i have a memory of doing it at school because my house used to back onto my school playing field and i remember throwing them across the way to see if it happened i don't remember anything happening yeah did you do it or is this a martin Jarvis situation?

Jarvis.

It's Jarvis.

It was an armchair thriller in 1977 about

a man who took it upon himself to explode the stomachs.

I mean, I quite like the thought of your dream water being half an eggshell full of rainwater.

It's like a cursed child.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which actually inexplicably is the front of the

palace theatre and it's that Harry Potter.

But there's nothing to do with that in the play.

The little thing as a little child with an in an yeah,

It's got nothing to do with any of it unless I've missed something.

There's nothing to do with it and I think it I really enjoyed the curves.

I mean I only went because of that nest.

I enjoyed it.

I mean finally I can climb to the nest.

There's nothing to do with it waiting sat.

Second half.

Oh well obviously they're going to keep the nest thing to the second half to keep people interested.

It doesn't come.

You're ready, ready to go.

Yeah, ready, ready, nest thing explained.

It massively smacks of a play that was advertised before it was finished.

Yeah, let's have a nest and a child in it.

Yeah.

And we'll explain that later.

Later on, no illusion or anything.

That's a big swing, isn't it?

To assume you're going to put a nest in it.

I think first draft must have had a nest in it.

Yeah.

Must have done.

But they've just removed it and then not thought about the front frontiest piece of the theater.

Yeah.

Which must have cost loads, I imagine.

Oh, absolutely.

Would you ever be tempted?

Like, have you ever been like, you know, in the West End late at night?

You've had a pew.

Try and pull me down.

I only get in that nest.

I'll get in it, yeah.

Get in here.

Climb up there.

Scared me down in protest.

Nothing to do with the play.

I haven't thought about climbing up down, but now you've put that in my head.

Yeah, it could happen.

I'd quite like to curl up in a nest.

Yeah, I don't know when it's finishing.

Is it?

Well, I don't know, but I think it'd be.

Is it to do with a nest?

I think you could write the next thing.

Ah.

And then make a nest.

There's a nest in the next thing.

And then I think you're a shoe in to get that theatre because they just leave the middle stuff.

Yes, it's there ready.

Yeah.

Can we keep the nest?

Yeah.

It makes sense now, finally.

I wonder what it could be, a child in a nest.

Well, it could be like the play of this podcast.

You could do a magic finger

musical or play.

Magic Finger the Musical.

That's a good idea.

No one's done it.

Yeah.

I think people would be quite excited if you, you know, did a roll dance.

I did a roll darling.

I think Netflix have got them all under their belts.

But yeah, I'll look into it.

I'll look into it.

Yeah.

They would be watching Magic Finger.

No, they're not going to want Magic Finger anyway.

It's not their dum demographic.

They've done the algorithms.

No one likes Nests.

Yeah.

No one's watching Nests.

No one's watching Nests.

Sony Oddie.

All his recommendations are more nests.

Yes, you may like.

He stands outside that theatre every day.

Staring up with you.

But I'm not sure.

He's very near it.

Still laughing.

Bill,

a bit over this.

It's not a real nest.

Bill, you've really lost it, man.

There's something pink in there.

Yes, it says baby.

And we don't know why.

So are you going for the eggshell or are you going for sparkling water?

It seems churlish to not enjoy the things that are on offer from the restaurant.

Sure.

So I'll say the sparkling water.

And to answer your question, I don't know about whether

birds can have sparkling.

But I'm not a bird, I'm a person.

You're a person who's been trying that to the side.

I'm not living in a nest.

So I'm

having sparkling.

You've got to be very clear that you're not a bird, you're a person.

Yes.

Well, you've got to get the

parameters right.

Define your terms.

So I say, yes, sparkling water in a little tiny glass.

A little tiny glass, not an eggshell.

No, no.

No sparkling water.

Not an eggshell.

I mean, there shouldn't really be shells in the in the nest.

Yeah, I do.

Otherwise that's not very nice, is it?

It's not really a bit dirty.

I imagine it quite clean.

I want like a little booth in the corner.

Of your

idea.

Yes, definitely.

Yeah, it's a bit weird because I'm imagining you're the only one in there.

Yeah, I think I am as well.

I think I'm the only one because I don't...

There's not very many people that would be probably want to come with me.

So I say alone, then I don't have any, you know, there might be the old squirrel that's going to make a lot of noise, and that will annoy me.

Yeah, it's like, but then they've got a right to be there, I guess, in the trees.

Depends where it is.

Can it be anywhere?

Can it be a quiet tree?

Yeah, but quiet, really quiet.

I think really quiet.

Because the other option, where if it wasn't going to be in the nest, was a sort of library-like situation.

Quiet.

Because

you mentioned cinemas earlier, and like I feel like the days are over now where people are quiet.

That's gone, absolutely.

Of course, yeah.

It's gone.

Yeah.

I mean, you get like it's a hot, it's like a restaurant around you, in it.

Chairs, things slid in.

They come to you and ask you,

do you want some nachos?

Yeah, I had that the other night, and I like the idea of it, but then the trailers had started, and there were still loads of waiters in there being like, does anyone else want anything else?

What's it about?

You know,

again, define your terms.

Are you coming to eat, go to a restaurant, or are you watching a film quietly?

Yeah.

Not being brought nachos.

They're most sloppy, not conducive in the dark.

items

and they stink yeah this one from up from an old people's home to me

This tray's been brought out.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's sort of like five o'clock, like TV.

Five o'clock, get them all tucked up in bed, 5.45, all night's out.

Yeah.

Get them up again at 4 in the morning.

How angry do you get at the people looking on their phones?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, incensed, of course.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, there was, I don't know if it's true.

I like to think it's true because it makes me angry and I sort of enjoy being angry.

There was talk of a theatre seat in the theater where you could tweet from it your thoughts.

what during can you believe that like well if you're going to do it let's have a special chair where you can yeah you can do it from so this frame yeah do you want a um seat to tweet in when you're in the nest oh great

in there yeah

it's really good because it's not even wasn't planned

no no no

i mean i've only been planning it for about 25 minutes yeah yeah very good yeah seamlessly slotted in but you but you're not a bird you're a person yeah

so i'm not going to be tweeting no yeah remember that pop-dums or bread pop pop-doms or bread shearsmith pop-doms or bread pop a dumbs or bread yes oof

is it he's saying it in a loud voice to make me answer very quickly because i'm i'm stalling pop a doms yeah yeah

it's unusual isn't it yeah i love popadoms i think it's poppa doms though yeah people say and people choose the bread comes along and then next thing i'm going to be asking for olive oil and and balsamic and that no not in a not in a nest

seeping through the bottom yeah yeah does the poppadoms not lead to dips are you not asking for dips with the poppadoms?

Some mango chutney.

Yeah.

That would be old though.

I don't like any of the other kinds.

Interesting.

No.

Just the mango chutney.

No, can't bear it.

You've only got that weird pot that's like something that's really hot on it.

I just chuck it immediately.

Yeah, yeah.

Such a waste.

I never want it.

You have a spicy one.

You know the one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't want it.

And then there's the other one that's just full of onions.

Yeah.

You're not giving me that.

Yeah.

It's like a set of things that I just don't want and I get given them all the time.

Why do they learn?

Actually, I never tell them.

So that's why I don't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

loads of different places mint yoga one yeah i'd have it yeah i'm not sure that the the dream restaurant needs to be casting that up the tree to me then no yeah yeah you just have the mango chutney do you want so you know how they normally come on like a four dip like wheel yes do you want that but all mango chutney in every pot yes please yeah yeah sounds good because there's never enough is there to me yeah or nutella

yeah yeah yeah how many of the four are nutella yeah maybe one nutella just just to try.

Just to try.

Yeah, just to try, because

I've never done it.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know about mango and uh Nutella together.

I remember one of the options that was dismissed in the list of things that we're about to talk about was something that I used to really love when I was little and it was a fried egg sandwich, peanut butter and ja and jam.

Wow.

Imagine that.

Yeah.

It's like an Elvis sandwich.

It is, literally.

Yeah.

It's funny you should say that because I read the only yesterday that he they've I don't know obviously they cut him up and had a look but there was a stool in him that was there four years.

What?

Yeah, I know what.

How do they tell?

God knows.

I've got opening out of the rings.

How did they tell?

Four years stool.

Four years ago.

Was there like a receipt in there from.

It must have just said to, you know, done some sort of test on the what was in the stool and gone, that's from four years ago.

Wow.

It explains his dance style.

It's budget.

Trying to shake it out.

He's just that one leg.

Just trying to.

Oh, God, come on.

gotta get this out of me did he i don't know we've got on to all of us anyway yes oh your sandwich your fried eggs

that's right yes so well i mean i guess peanut butter and jell-o it's an american thing isn't it yeah but yes jam peanut butter with on a fried egg in a sandwich how does that something i used to enjoy god i don't remember i think you know what i think it was something to do with top cat yeah

He lived in a bed.

Yeah.

Maybe, but there's some connection with children's television and that sandwich being created.

So you saw it on an

inner colour.

I've done that.

I've said it on the podcast before.

I ate peanut butter and bacon sandwiches for a long time because I saw it on a show called Ed.

Really?

Not him.

No, not this guy.

Ed, the lawyer who lived in the bowling alley.

The lawyer who lived in the bowling alley.

And he has one episode where he was recommending peanut butter and bacon sandwiches to everyone.

And for a year, I ate peanut butter and bacon sandwiches because of that.

So I can't.

You understand it.

Yes.

Well,

it's not featuring in the dream restaurant.

You don't have to create it.

It won't be there.

It was a plan B.

Well, I could, as an amuse bouche.

Yes, possibly.

I could present you with a

peanut butter.

I'd like it.

I mean, as it is, I've already been saddled with popadoms.

I'm not that bothered by them.

But you've forced me into.

So if you want as your bread course, then we're talking about poppadoms or bread.

If you have anything bread-related, you can have one of those sandwiches.

Maybe I'll do that then.

I mean, I've sit it back in.

Yeah, go on then.

You can have that.

You can have that sandwich as

your pop-adums or bread.

Have you had any of that?

Have you had one of those sandwiches since you used to have them as a kid?

No.

I haven't.

And it's interesting to me to think maybe I should try it.

How runny is the yolk?

Oh, quite runny, but not with an ale biting it and it all pissing out the end, which is, you know, that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, see,

I love that sandwich.

Do you?

Yeah, because that makes me think I love that sandwich.

Right.

To me, that's just, it's just too messy.

Yeah.

But I know what you mean.

Isn't it funny?

There are things in films and TV that do put you onto things and then you sort of you assimilate them, don't you?

Yeah.

Same with another one of my choices, which I haven't gone for, but for the drink.

I know we're skipping around, but the drink was going to be a white Russian purely because of Big Labowski.

Yeah, lovely.

Same thing where you just think, yes, that makes me want to try that.

I never,

the kalure and the milk.

Our friend Nish Kumar, comedian,

he has white Russians every year for his birthday.

Right.

So we will, that's what we associate that with a lot as well.

I think it might have even come from.

It's got to be his drink, he's done it with that sort of thing.

But that sounds great.

And also,

in terms of things like films and how they affect you, the egg running out the sandwich, I said it on the podcast when Richard D.

Grant was on.

Oh, right.

The start of With Nail and I, when someone bites into the egg sandwich and it comes out the end, disgusting, and it makes him feel like, I've got to get out of this city.

I've always thought, yeah, that's gross.

That's horrible.

Ed was like, this is the idea of heaven.

Love it.

It's like, that's what I want that sandwich.

That's what I think about every time I have a fried egg sandwich.

And the same with nail, just talking about with nail, is to me, the

sherry in with nail makes me want to have sherry.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm commenting.

Sherry, sherry.

Yeah.

And lighter fluid as well.

Yes, exactly.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep.

Get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

and lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to them current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your door dash account and you'll get five percent off on-demand rides ten percent off scheduled rides to the airport plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month new to dash pass to sign up for a three-month free trial check lift terms apply

your dream starter dream starter heinz oxtail soup Wow.

Specific, isn't it?

Very specific.

And that is because, again, in my quest for sort of triggering via food and the remembrances of things, the feeling I used to have when, because Heinz Ox still said, weirdly, it's only when I was ill as a child and off school that I would be given it as a sort of restorative.

So it sort of reminds me of having a stomach bug.

But also, it's the happy thing because it's like, I'm off school.

I'm watching Crown Court.

I should be going back to school, but I've got the afternoon off.

So

I'm deliberately picking it to sort of trigger a happy

memory from childhood.

And that weirdly ticks that box.

So my first question is, what's Crown Court?

Right, of course it would be.

Crown Court, of course, because you're young, I feel.

Yeah, yeah,

the old...

Sesame Street was day off school.

Yeah, well, okay.

Crown Court used to be on the TV and it was a depiction of famous trials.

It's really boring.

In a court, and people, and there would be the defence and the prosecution, and you would have basically the whole, it was like before there was real trials shown.

This was just depictions of like this man has stolen these boots, and then you watch the whole thing play out.

And sometimes it would be those kind of things.

And I think made up, I don't, Gatis would be able to tell me if this is true or not, but I don't think there were always real cases.

But then one time, I think inexplicably, I'm sure, Crippin was on.

Not the real one.

Yeah, but you know what I mean?

I've looked through Crippin's real glasses, by the way.

Have you?

Yeah.

How do you lay your hands on Crippin's glasses?

Because I was taken to the back room of when they closed down the Chamber of Horrors.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I was able to just rifle through it all.

And I picked up this box and I had Crippin's glasses and I just picked them up and looked through them.

I saw the world through a different, through his eyes.

Yeah.

So that was Crown Court and it was sort of dull but equally great because it didn't matter what was on because I wasn't going back to school in the afternoon.

What I really love about like you and your creative cohorts, that group of people, is that there's just this overlap of of like you all like the same things.

You're going, Gators would know this.

Yeah,

he knows what Crown Corps looks like.

Because you've obviously, you've all got it.

We all have had the same.

We, I mean, very, in a very strange way.

I mean, I'm sure it's not strange for groups of friends when you find your people.

You often have these crossovers.

It's like, yes, exactly.

I remember that.

I didn't think anyone else did.

But we seem to have the same childhood across the four of us.

All of us remembering 1977 bonfire night when we all stayed in, didn't watch the fireworks, but stayed in and watched 625 bbc one carry on screaming it rather than go and watch the fireworks and it's like i did that i did that and it was amazing to find this sort of link across our collective remembrances and um passions and weird you know the ignition of a of a love of horror and comedy and black humor that we all seem to share yeah so it's it's and even now to this day i if i've if i can't google something i'll ring Steve or Mark and they'll they'll have the answer of course.

See that to me like now because we've

talked about Inside Number Nine before this, I was thinking if that was an Inside Number Nine episode, the twist at the end would be it's all the same person.

Yeah, we all remember there's a bonfire night where we all stayed there, we watched this, and then we've all become friends, and then actually, it's the same guy at the end.

You love it when people pitch ideas for episodes, yeah.

We have done one like that.

We've sort of done one like that, Jeff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

However, yes, that's why I compared it to you.

It's a good twist.

I wasn't pitching it as a new one.

No, no, of course.

I was saying it reminds me of Inside Number Nine.

He's got any new one.

I don't want to say any new ones.

I just want him to say him again, but slightly differently.

Well, that sounds very nice that you've chosen that as that memory.

Yes, it's slightly odd, isn't it?

Because it is connected with being poorly.

I remember when I was little, I used to tried to make myself get a cold by running.

I used to do it repeatedly, run up to the door and put my nose near the keyhole to try and get a draught into my nostrils.

When I was little, I used to do it.

To try and get off school.

Yes.

Yeah.

And that was the best way you could think to do it was nose to the keyhole, the freezer sitting completely

unbolesed in the corner, yeah, not going there, not going near the freezer.

No, no, just a gentle breeze through the keyhole,

sniff the keyhole, it didn't work, but you know, I taught like I'm all my entire childhood was based on trying to not go to school.

But I remember one time really wanting to go to school and having a terrible stomachache and having to come back because I did diarrhea.

Oh, and I was sent home having shut myself.

I think maybe that's another Jarvis, actually.

Maybe it didn't happen, but the threat of it might have been back home again.

But yeah, it was interesting.

Of course, whenever you did get ill, your parents couldn't give you anything.

You should have phoned it all for the pigeons.

Yes, of course.

Yeah.

Oh, we've got some painkillers.

Oh, they've all gone.

What are all the pigeons doing on that field?

I've done an experiment all the time.

It's an experiment.

The other thing I used to do as a kid in the same back garden that I was throwing paracetamols over the fence was try to catch a bat.

every night nearly every night from when I was about 11 till about 15 quite old yeah at the end of the garden with my dad's fishing net trying to catch bats I realise now it was a futile yeah

because you can't catch them can you because they're

solar

however I just wanted one I wanted a little bat and then I was told they were full of lice and they would have bit me and I might have got something horrible so I stopped trying to catch them but I never did catch one You'll have loved growing up in my house.

My mum used to look after bats.

No.

Yeah, so like if there was injured bats my mum would look after them.

Probably one of the ones that if I'd have caught it

in a net.

But like yeah, we'd be looking.

So there's a number of bats that like, yo, I had them hang off my finger.

No, you didn't.

You know, when you're learning to fly again.

Pipistrils.

Yeah, yeah.

So you'd be there with your finger out, hanging out.

And then you'd fly around the living room, go back on your finger again.

Away.

And then, yeah, my mum would release them back into the wild.

Pip Australia to Halloween.

Pip Australia de Halloween.

Pip Australia de Halloween.

Yeah.

But yeah, once Pet Rescue came to interview my mum.

Do an episode.

Do a pet rescue episode about my mum.

Why the hell haven't you told me this?

Well, it hasn't come up before.

That's amazing.

Yeah, yeah.

I was trying to get in the background of it and they cut me out of the shop.

Oh, as per.

Yeah.

I'm used to it now.

Oh, but it's like the Addams family.

Yeah, yeah.

Good Adams family.

Yeah, good Adams family.

Brilliant.

Big stuff.

What would you have done with the bat if you'd caught it?

I'd have looked at it for a bit and then tried to uncurl it from the net because I presume it would have gone into a tight ball.

Yeah, it would have got bad.

Yeah, it would have been bad.

And then just let it go, I guess.

Yeah.

You could have started Covid much earlier.

Got it out of the way.

You can't blame me for that.

This is 1976.

But yes, I would have just been fulfilled that I caught one finally after

many years attempted it.

And then I would have let it go again.

Yeah.

But I think I did try to have a bat box in the at the end of the garden, nothing ever went in it.

No, annoyingly, but you had them in your house, you had him in the house, incredible.

Well, I don't know, about four of them.

Uh, they get names, but just because my mum wouldn't have named them just because we were kids and wanted to know.

But real names, or like B21 or something.

No, no, we were wanting to give them names.

I can't remember what they were called.

No, I remember like the one, the pet rescue one was called something stupid because we just give it silly comedy names, like that made us laugh as kids.

Yeah, but then the pet rescue people were like um we want you to call this one radar because it's for the show

my mum was like that's very basic they want people thinking that I get catch bats and I call them stuff like radars

that's the kind of person I am but they were insistent that on camera make sure you refer to it as radar so through gritted teeth she would say it and it was as if it was her idea yeah so she really didn't love it I can't stand it.

It reminds me of like when you get stump people to do things for you in filming and you look terrible because they're doing it and their acting is bad.

You make me look shit now.

I don't know why I leap from a bat to that, but that's what it reminds me of.

Same injustice.

I love the thought of a stun person on one of your shows like doing a massive stunt, like smashing through a window, bowling through a fire, lying on the floor, and you're going, You make me look shit.

That is exactly what I think.

Your dream main course, yes.

Well, again, in the spirit of picking things that will just trigger.

It's like Heston, isn't it?

This?

He does that.

You have meals with him and he tries to trigger memories.

Christmas dinner.

Yes.

Full on.

That's my choice.

I know it might be a bit boring.

Has other people ever picked that?

Bridget Osman.

British Osmond.

But that was back in third episode.

Third episode.

All right, okay, so we're having a return.

But like, it's not been...

People have chosen roasts.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's a specific thing is they've had Christmas dinner, I don't think.

We've had Christmas pudding, chosen

dessert.

interesting.

But yeah, it's rare to get the full Christmas dinner.

Pigs in blankets, the whole works.

Turkey.

Yeah.

And then turkey.

Yes.

And yeah, sprouts.

People don't like sprouts.

I do like people don't like them.

Depends how they're.

How would you have the sprouts?

Well, probably steamed,

but then the the nice addition of um chestnuts on.

Oh, nice.

Some roast chestnuts sprinkled on top, just a few little bits.

That's good.

That's what I'd have, yeah.

And very nice gravy.

Can't ever go wrong with a...

I think people sometimes let themselves down with a gravy.

You've got to have that.

It has to be.

I spend when I do cook, actually.

I'm talking about this, but I was on Bake Off.

And I try to spend the time making a nice gravy because I think it really does add to the meal when you get a good one.

You can tell when it's a bad one with the food.

This is now not, I'm not going to

over the line.

Yeah.

May as well just pour a pint of water all over your dinner if you've done that.

That oftentimes is what gravy is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just waiting So, would you like this gravy to be made by yourself?

Maybe, actually, I don't know who I would call on in the restaurant to make me a nice gravy, but somewhere if you could find someone.

It could be anyone you want in the world, really.

Really?

And who's good at gravies, though?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Who's the best gravy?

Who's the best gravy?

That's not any information you got access to.

I don't have access to it, but if the restaurant could find that out for you.

Would Mark know?

We could call Mark.

Yeah, maybe.

If it was in a horror film 97.

Great and monster.

Christopher Leed had a lovely gravy.

What else we got?

We've got stuffing?

Oh yeah, definitely stuffing.

And I don't mind sort of just,

you know, packeted stuffing, but I sometimes find it too much when it's stuffing and the meat and it's meat.

You want to get them full-on slabs of meat that also become stuffing.

Like sausage meat.

Yeah.

I don't quite regard that in the same way as stuffing as I know it.

Sure.

I could quite easily eat stuffing, just pour some water on it and eat it on the bowl.

In fact, I have done.

Yeah,

very short amount of time there between you pretending something was hyperfetic.

Well, maybe I couldn't.

Too fully confessing that you have done that.

I know, I know.

I'm getting a bit too obsessed with the nest thing.

Yeah.

But are you shrinking the food down as well?

Or are you having a full-size Christmas dinner in a nest?

I couldn't get through a full-size Christmas dinner if I was.

Yeah.

It has to be small.

Do you want small portions or small versions?

No, it's the same amount as that I would have if I was full size, but bird size.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's like, so there's no difference in fact because it's all to scale.

Yeah.

So it's all to scale.

So

we're magic fingering the turkey as well.

Yeah, we have to.

Well,

let's not start using that as a phrase.

Okay.

We're magic fingering all the food.

I like magic fingering a turkey.

But that is what it is.

Yeah.

You're magic fingering a turkey first.

Yeah, yeah.

You're in charge of it.

I just want it brought to me.

Yeah.

And the other thing, anyway, there's never going to be any complaints with the dream restaurant, are there?

Because that's in the thing of exactly i'm always surprised by how unbidden people are about complaining in restaurants i've been sat next to people and i'm aghast i was at one i was at the ivy in marleybone not three weeks ago and someone ordered food i think it was some sort of they wanted a fried egg on top

and they didn't do one but they wanted this fried egg on top i think of what was it i can't remember but anyway they asked for it and they got it.

They weren't happy with it.

It was too cold.

They were very apologetic, sent it it back immediately the people with them the father had got the same and he let his go back to the kitchen whilst the other one was warmed right so he wasn't going to eat ahead of the sun right came back

again i found a hair in it he says

again and it went back again

and then a third time yeah what the have they done to that egg the third time it comes back exactly yeah exactly but i just what i couldn't believe was you're not going to do it again yeah sure because it's enough of a huge mountain that you're going to go, excuse me, there's something wrong.

I would never in a million years complain.

Especially if you've already made them go out of their way to get an egg.

It was not on the menu.

They created a thing.

Yes.

I mean, yes, Elon is an egg.

All right.

It's not that big a reach to find one and crack it on top.

However, three times over, something wrong with it.

And then I realized when I looked at the person, I thought, you just don't want to eat.

Oh, really?

That's what I thought.

I thought, you're finding any reason to not eat.

What are you doing?

And then there was some a bigger psychological problem.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this is an interesting like

the two different parts of your personality here because you say that when you're in a restaurant loads of things you don't like ah yes all this stuff but you would never complain but all of your problems were about other people eating in the restaurant not the restaurant itself well the draft and they're too near the toilets yeah but you yeah if they put you too near the toilets in the draft you're just sitting there for the whole meal and dealing with it you're not saying i wouldn't say there was a there's a tiny window of opportunity to dare to say and it but it's gone with me and i'd never never then say well so you've already admitted you quite like being angry yeah so why would you ruin that for yourself but we you know on the one hand yes i'm furious all the time but i never say anything i'm just furious impotent rage don't do anything about it i've eaten raw chicken rather than complain and say sorry this is this is pink and there's blood in it yeah yeah i literally i remember and it was plastic in it oh wow i thought this is blood's plastic on this chicken i'm not going to say this is everything all right i say yes thank you why yes on this and it's on end my family sit with me raging, going, don't eat that.

It's pink.

You're going to get stomachache.

But at least you know the next day you can have Oxdale soup.

Yeah.

Yes.

People get ill.

There's all roads lead back to the Oxdale.

Crown Court box set.

I'm well up for anyone complaining at the Ivy.

I've only been to the Ivy a couple of times, and I'll say it.

I think it is one of the most overrated places.

I do not get at all what I'm saying.

What's good about this podcast is it's not showbiz or.

Listen.

It's for everyone.

I didn't mean to throw that in as if that's the thing because I don't really ever go.

But yes.

But I say it because

to me it was all right, but it was the thing of the person continually complaining.

You get that flopped wallpaper.

Yes.

Is that that wallpaper that looks like jungle?

Yeah, I don't know which one you meet.

Yeah, yeah.

I just think that, you know, I don't want anyone, anyone who's not been to the Ivy going, oh, yeah, one day I'd love to go to that.

Don't bother.

Yeah, it's not.

Well, I think the original was a thing, right?

It was like a showbiz thing, and it was like an exclusive restaurant, and then they've like franchised it out, and there's loads of it.

And that's what happens when it gets franchised.

But I don't like

it, you still get treated like shit by the waiting staff.

Yeah, so you go there, and they look down their nose at you, and they treat you like you're in this fancy pants place, and then they bring you out something that may as well be on the menu of a bills.

Yeah, you sent your egg back three times, didn't you?

Yeah,

hammered at you.

I was furious.

Whoever sent that back is a hero to me.

Yeah, daring to do do it.

I know what you mean.

I mean, yes, it's, but yeah, the idea of complaining.

I sort of admire people, but then I wince when I see it happening because I see the poor people.

They're running off their feet, blah, blah, blah.

Don't be mean.

I'm torn with seeing both sides.

I'd really struggle to complain.

But then also,

I was out for lunch with my dad yesterday.

And I've actually never really seen him complain in a restaurant, but when I do, I find it really awkward.

Right.

And I just sit there, like, really still.

But yesterday, he was paying too many compliments.

So he was was like calling calling the staff over to be like this is fantastic oh no come on

it's too much too much yeah or chatting to the wine guy about wine for ages right

yeah he just loves it that's what you know you got you he's he's dropping hints to you ed yeah you don't talk to him enough yeah you're not talking to the wine guy i don't like it if you start to get it becomes like don't think you've got a rapport with me now yeah talking to me too much now i thought this is i don't like you and i'm not going to be your friend.

Is this you about the wine guy?

This is me about the wine guy.

Or about us.

You know, about

our feelings.

In the those

just encounters.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's a level where you just have to do the job.

We have a transaction.

Not your friend.

Do you think it will be like the film Cable Guy?

And

the wine guy never leaves you.

You think you're your friend.

Burger King hat on with it.

Yeah.

I'd watch that film.

Yeah.

I'd watch a British remake of Cable Guy, and it's called Wine Guy, and it's Reese and someone as a wine guy.

I would love to play that sort of part, yeah.

I would be the Matthew Broderick.

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Yeah, I wouldn't be the

irritant.

I'd be the one that's getting more and more furious, but keeping a lid on it.

Yeah, or not.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm trying to think who would be the wine guy.

Yeah, who would be the wine guy?

Who would be a good wine guy to play alongside Reese?

Yeah,

someone who can play Unhinged.

I mean, I do that as well, though, Yeah.

You can play both.

I do a bit of both.

You bet you both.

You were Tom Hardy.

Play all the parts.

He always plays doubles of himself, doesn't he?

Yeah, he does that.

That Cray Brothers film.

Yeah, yeah.

Venom.

Yeah.

Same thing twice over.

Yeah.

I feel the best part when films, when people play multiple roles, I actually feel like the best part of that is the trailer.

Yeah.

Where they go, Rhys Shearsmith and Reese Shearsmith.

Yeah, you meet that guy again, yeah.

And then all this, then that's exciting.

And then you watch the film and you go, it's just the same guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Over and over again.

I get it now.

yeah

do you have a dream side dish then when people choose roasts or christmas dinners i'm never sure if they're gonna have a side because they've got all the trimmings but do you have a dream well i am but it's nothing to do with christmas right haggis oh yeah

so the reason is i again in a sort of um pulling into this dream scenario all my favorite things i love i don't know why i'm nothing to do with Scotland, but Burns Night and Haggis and Neeps and Tattis to me is a lovely, again,

sort of all, it's not autumnal, of course, it's January, but it's just a great, I make it into a thing in our house and I sort of insist that we do Burns Night.

And then weirdly, I was in filming Good Omens in Scotland last Burns Night.

He was dead.

I was there.

I went to walk around the streets.

I went into the Decombrodi expecting

everyone to be kicking it as quiet as the grave.

So I am the only one keeping it alive, it would seem.

Yeah, why are you?

So I pick Haggis as a side dish.

It's sort of extraordinary.

And weirdly, I just thought it goes against what I just said about the stuffing being meaty.

But I do like Haggis.

I don't know.

I've probably not very good for you.

I'm also picking things that I don't have a lot of

often.

No one's having

Haggis on the rack, though, are they?

No.

Should you?

I would if I could, if, again, I didn't have to encounter people.

Yeah.

Like some sort of Stephen King creature that's in a house by himself eating Haggis.

I think you wouldn't get very far, would you?

You'd end up...

It's another Elvis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's four years.

Another four years, that's, God knows what they're pulling out of you, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pull back.

I think Haggis is one of the foods that has the most undeserved bad reputation, really.

Good, I'm glad you said that.

It's delicious.

Isn't it?

But all the way through my childhood on TV is the punchline of a lot of jokes, them telling, describing, you know, what's in it, what it is, and everyone going, oh, so it goes back to if you're a lot a cow's stomach yeah all the rest of it all the but i think they did they damaged the pr by cooking it inside a cow's stomach you know probably didn't have to do that did they like now when you see it in just like the plastic yeah and you can cook it and they're just boiling stuff that's right yeah lovely and you puncture it and it all bursts out yeah it's great it's great they they can explode in fact can't they last time i did one in edinburgh in but on my own i cut into it having had the three hours of what it was cooking away and it burst like some sort of monstrous it's like john carpenter's the thing

Like a pigeon's stomach.

It's like, yes, if I was able to put a camera in.

But yeah, so Haggis, I mean, am I allowed the neaps and tatties or is it purely only Haggis as an addition?

I think if you want neaps and tatties and you want to have a...

Because I like the idea of you've got Christmas main course and a side dish of burns night.

Yes, that was the idea.

Yes.

So I think neaps and tatties there.

Great.

Also, you've got a gravy kicking around that could happily slosh over both.

Absolutely, yeah.

I think so.

And the other thing I've never done actually with Haggis is you meant to pour a bit of whiskey on it, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

You see me do it later, yeah, in my experiences of Burns Light.

I thought, oh, I've just tried that, yeah.

Do you want to read a poem?

I would read a Burns Light poem, yeah.

I mean, not now, but I would

do it on the yeah, I'd do it in the nest

to the wine waiter.

Yeah, you might not want to hear it, but I'm going to do it.

Yeah, when he brings that particular bit, they're still in Burnsnight mode.

Well, that sounds great.

Yeah, good, I'm glad.

I love that.

And it's a big, it's a big side dish as well.

It's a lot.

Also, I mean, you know, I'm quite excited for it's your menu, and we're getting all these like big calendar days of the year there because a lot of listeners are going to be getting 12 Days of Christine kind of vibes.

That's what they are.

He hates it.

He hates 12 Days of Christine.

He hates it.

Because it's very odd brand for you to hate probably a lot of the fans' favourite episodes.

Absolutely be like, fuck, 12 days of Christine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're not even in it.

You're in it.

Well, I'm in it, a tiny bit.

You're in it.

Yeah, yeah.

You're trying to help.

I know.

Well, yes, I sort of cause it, yeah.

Yes, it's a good one.

Oh, yes.

I've never been happier to bring up something like this.

I wrote it in five days, and it's this amazing one that everyone recounts as being the best ever episode.

It's not your favourite.

Not your favourite.

Not your favourite.

It wouldn't be.

If you were in charge of it.

What's interesting is, you know, we try our best, and the hardest thing in the world is to make them funny.

Admittedly, that one is not funny.

It's got some funny things in it, like people are in the world funny along the way.

But it's because it's got heart, it's because it makes people cry.

They are the ones that seemingly stick with people.

Like with the one we did with the double act, Steve.

That was very moving as well.

Yeah.

You know, it's not something we tried.

I think it's a gimmick.

We don't think, oh, we should do a sad one.

That's what works.

But that one, I think, was the first one that we did, Christine, that was sort of like unexpectedly emotional.

And so, and of course, it's great.

And Sheridan Smith is great in it.

I just get annoyed because it's everyone's first root number one.

And I hate ranking, I hate them putting them in order anyway.

Only today I read, there's some real stinkers you can't get through.

Where are you reading this story?

Twitter.

Don't stop looking.

I've got to look at these.

You might be an angry.

Yeah, I want to send that one.

Oh, which ones?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're the hardest ones to write, cunt.

I remember, it's a proper moment.

I remember being in Melbourne when

I was with Christine.

I remember...

Still talking about it?

Yeah, yeah.

This is fun.

You remember what?

I was in a hotel full of comedians.

Right.

I remember walking out of my hotel.

Crying your eyes out.

Hotel.

I had not seen it.

So I got up in the morning, opened my door.

John Kearns in the room next to me.

He comes out.

He goes, Have you seen?

Shattered.

You've seen this inside number nine.

Oh, totally.

You've got to watch it.

Later on that day, he sees me again.

Have you seen it yet?

No, I haven't watched it, Kearns.

Have you seen it yet?

Let me know when you watch it.

Kept on checking on me.

Had to watch it while I was there to let you know.

It was standing over you looking at me.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm feeling the emotions, Kearns.

Don't worry.

You wait, you wait.

This is coming up.

It's coming up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a twist.

I won't tell what it is.

I'm going to watch it when you watch it.

Yeah, yeah.

You've got to watch it.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

You check your feed.

and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Is your dream drink related to a night of the year, especially?

No, the dream drink, again, goes back to a childhood incident.

When I was small, we used to have sent to the house there was the pop van and it was alpine pop yeah and i used to have in an explicable situation i can't believe my dad used to do to me i used to be allowed a lid full of alpine dandelion and burdock he'd literally give me only a he'd pour out this big massive bottle of oh band and burdock presumably for him yeah yeah and he'd pour a little in the lid

and I'd drink it like it was medicine like it was medicine

and that was was it until next Saturday.

And then he presumably would drink the lots.

Yeah.

No, I

didn't get full glasses of it.

So I want a full glass of dandelion and alpine dandelion and burdock.

I mean, the irony is the size you are at the nest, you're only going to be able to manage a little.

I'd do a little bit.

Same about me.

You've shook yourself up.

It'll be even smaller.

It would be even smaller.

It's not even a little bit.

Acorn cup.

Like you're lucky.

Like Willie Wong cuff.

Your dad's still standing over the nest drinking drinking the whole

bag.

There you go, you're loser.

Let me haven't made a mistake there.

But yeah, again, in the I mean, I just covet it because I was never allowed

in a weird way.

I mean, it was good in a way, I guess, because you shouldn't give children poppy.

But it's even worse than not being allowed it because you're allowed a tiny taste of it to see how good you could have had it.

Absolutely.

He's like, oh, that's great, that drink.

Please let me have more of it.

No, that's your lot.

Next.

Next Saturday.

See you again.

Never sorry, but weeks.

Now eat another peanut butter jam and egg sandwich.

Yeah, you don't have as many you like as them.

So that was my drink.

From the pop man, you said?

From the pop man, yeah, it used to be a van that used to ride with all the bottles.

Like the ice cream man, you could eat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hear them bottles.

I know it's the alpine man.

And he'd come and then.

You're about to get your lid.

Yeah.

And I've got my thimble, my little thimble full of.

Maybe again, it could be Jarvis.

It might be that he did it once when I was.

No, it wasn't that.

I'm sure this is right.

Yeah.

I will ask him, actually.

But so, yeah, I'll have a

full glass of that, please.

Why not?

I don't even know if they do Alpine anymore, but nevertheless, do you like Dandelion and Burdock?

Not massively, but if I was

to understand from your situation, I would dislike it.

But if I was in your situation, whatever that drink was, you'd want it.

I want it as my drink.

Because I don't remember ever really having a full swig of it.

A pop van is an exciting.

That's an exciting idea.

I don't feel we've ever interviewed someone before where all the details you're giving about your life and your childhood, I've gone, of course he writes the stuff he writes now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Catching bats and like,

all the bottles chicken via the corner.

You could definitely imagine a pop Van Driver character.

Yeah, yeah, you'd have a pop van driver.

We have to.

We got orange, we got lemonade, we got.

Yeah, so the Danderai and Buddha was a particularly exotic flavour even then at that point.

I was like, what's that?

But it was sort of not quite Coca-Cola.

It was very sweet, like panda cola, remember that?

Yeah, yeah, panda pops.

Panda pops yeah but anyway yeah that would be my choices because i wasn't allowed it at at the time i mean or cup of tea it's the classic yeah classic cup of tea but i'm not going to change it i'm going to say alpine dandelion and burden yeah jay raynor's dessert of choice was uh eclair because his dad wouldn't let him have right his dad would come back from the shops with loads of pastries yeah he would have the eclair and no one else was allowed the eclair and jay rayner wanted it so that's why that's why he chose people on a certain road yeah which is why you should allow the children to do what they want.

As soon as you say no, it's like, I'm doing it.

Doing it harder now, whatever it is.

Yeah.

You're still trying to catch bats now.

Yes.

If you'd actually caught one when you were a kid.

I wouldn't have been the end of it.

Yeah.

It says

unscratched itch to catch a bat.

I wonder if there's, I mean, you must ask, I need to find out about how to do it properly.

There must be a way of catching it.

Catching a bat.

That must be.

Maybe using its own sonar against it or something.

Yes.

How would you do that?

Well, I guess if you play sonar, you might.

With a mirror.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not a mirror.

able to feel it if you show if you show a bat itself.

Yes, it suggests

Medusa.

And it just drops to the ground.

You don't know how ugly they are.

I'll text my mum.

Yeah, well

she will undoubtedly know.

And we'll see if she gets back to you.

See if she gets back to you.

How do you catch a bat?

She wasn't catching them though, right?

Yeah, she would never caught them.

Yeah.

Right, okay.

She would look at them.

Maybe there's a trap.

They go in.

Could they go into a little box and then the lid comes down?

Got.

Yeah, maybe.

And then one half of it.

That's what your mum would shout, isn't it?

Got, got.

And then one section of it is glass, so you can just look at them and see if they are crawling with lice.

That's another question, Part B.

Are they crawling with lice?

Yeah, P.S.

Are they crawling with lice?

Stayed with me though.

Someone told me you don't want to touch one.

Make sure the first one's sent before you send the second one.

Okay, so I've asked those for those.

We'll see.

We'll see.

We'll see if she gets back to me within the time.

I'm serious about.

So there are secret ingredients on the podcast, and they're normally ingredients we deem to be unacceptable.

Or the listeners deem to be unacceptable.

Right.

And if people choose them, they get kicked out of the restaurant.

Oh, like that.

But it's only one per episode.

So it's not per episode.

It's not anymore.

But it's in the past.

Dandelion and Burdock was.

And that wouldn't have been us, I don't think.

I think that was a listener's one.

No, because I've not really had it that much.

I've not had it enough to have an opinion.

But, like, a listener

in the past would kick you out for that shit.

Oh, my goodness.

Out the nest.

I mean,

I'm on the floor, like one of those half-gestated birds that you see.

Yeah.

Pink.

no feathers, dead.

It's you, notes.

My eyes, not yet.

Oh, hold on.

Are you naked in the nest?

No, I'm just, I'm leaping to the idea of seeing a dead bird.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't want to be naked in the nest.

No, no, no, no, I don't want.

You're not all pink on the floor.

I need clothes on.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, I imagine you don't mind that.

Are you naked in the nest?

Because we're going to have to re-record the whole thing.

Yeah, to really examine all this.

What we've talked about so far.

It doesn't fit.

I imagine that you don't care that a listener has said that's not acceptable because, like, I mean,

as far as you're concerned, the audience are scum, right?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah.

Of course they are.

I mean, and you know, they may be chuckling away at these things, but I do hate them.

Yeah.

I don't think that you've got any affinity if you agree with any of my choices, or somehow you feel closer to me.

We're not friends.

Not friends.

Yeah, not friends.

I don't agree with anything you might say.

If you like me, I hate you even more.

Unless, of course, your actual friends are listening.

Well, yeah, but they know who they are.

How many?

One.

Yeah.

Actually, none.

No friends, no friends.

Not friends.

No, colleagues.

Colleagues, family.

To have to sort of experience.

That's the level of my interest.

Great.

I could have guessed that.

Your dream restaurant, you shrunk down to the size of a sparrow and put in a nest by yourself.

Yeah.

This is not a man with many friends.

You ever had that?

Has anyone...

Rich Osmond?

No.

No, no, no, no.

no rich osman didn't need some magic finger to shrink him down to the size of a sparrow he would go down to be just normal size wouldn't he yeah that is him he fits in a restaurant fits in a normal restaurant

can't be normal size in the world

dream dessert Dream dessert, again, evoking a time of year, my own pumpkin pie.

Oh.

A slice of.

Yeah.

Lovely.

One slice.

Yeah.

She would give me the whole thing.

Yeah.

Because I think it feels very light, doesn't it, pumpkin pie?

So I would have this, maybe with some single cream.

Yeah.

And I would have, yeah, it would be my own recipe, which is not fancy, but it's just homemade pastry.

Yeah.

And then this pumpkin pie.

And again, it's because it reminds me of one of my happy times,

times of the year, Halloween.

My biggest, probably the biggest of all, all the

holidays for me.

because Christmas and I love Christmas but Halloween is huge weirdly curtailed this year because I was filming so I'm it passed me by annoyingly so uh I've I've I've got one under my belt to have to sort of experience it twice as hard next year but yes I would say pumpkin pie as a as a treat do you like Halloween do you know what it might so I grew up in a Christian household oh right okay so it wasn't really a

I think it was like devilish I think it was devilish they they they mainly I mean maybe they did I have to let them speak for themselves the old parents.

But they didn't want us going out trick-or-treating because they thought we'd scare old ladies.

Right.

They thought it was not nice.

Don't go out and do it.

But on the other hand, your mum caught bats.

But she caught bats all the time and we ate them.

So

it's pretty Halloweeny to have bats.

It was Halloween all the year round.

I remember having a fancy dress party that I think was a Halloween party at my house.

And so I do remember that at one point.

But yeah, in general, didn't go in for it.

Didn't happen much.

And, you know, now, as an adult, when I see families that have kids and they go in for it, I think, oh, that would have been so fun.

Like,

objectively fun.

Yeah.

And when I've had pumpkin pie, which I've had mainly at my friends when they've done Thanksgiving.

That's just

delicious.

And obviously, as a kid, I would have gone crazy for that.

I love Halloween.

Good.

My wife loves Halloween as well and decorates her house all the way.

Yeah, but she likes spooky stuff, not scary stuff.

Right.

So there's a lot of like quite cute pumpkins and stuff, whereas I'd prefer to have like all guts hung up on that.

You would have, yeah, yeah.

Full-on sore.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, that's what I'd like.

I've increasingly got, I mean, for someone that purports to like horror, I am more and more squeamish in my old age, I think.

And I go more for the spooky and more

ghosty psychological than

sore and guts and gore.

And Fright Fest is a big,

a big horror festival.

And it seems to be all about cheering.

the heads coming off and the arms and it's like it's a bit first root for me now yeah first time in my life the other day i turned off a film because it was really much yeah really what was it can you name terrifier oh yes the first terrifier you've seen the second one no i couldn't get through oh my god i couldn't get through the first you got to that bit yeah yeah and i was like no i can't see the mime there

that made benito wince yeah benito saw the mime absolutely just turn it off

because i was loving it because it was really making me laugh as well because the bit the scene in the diner is really funny and they cut back to him every time he's doing a different face i loved all that but quite creepy as well quite creepy but then when it gets to just like horrible, quite like disgusting violence towards women, just in like in a deliberately provocative way, I was like, oh, that's making me feel ill.

He's out.

Yeah.

He was out.

That's an easy nil on his own.

Yeah.

It was, yeah.

It is horrible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And the second one is even worse.

Yeah.

It's sort of like they've gone right then.

Yeah.

Wrung their hands together and thought, we can, we've got to top it.

Yeah.

And they sort of do in a really grisly way.

It's done very well though, hasn't it?

It's done very well because it's like 80s.

It's like they film it as if it's a video nasty type feel to it.

And that is very authentic.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's not just that they're just making a film.

It's sort of a film and it's an era of that type of filmmaking.

So

there's more thought.

If it was just that film from that time, it would be even worse.

But because it's sort of like it knows what it's doing,

maybe that's worse.

Yeah.

I like horror films.

Do you?

But yeah, maybe.

It's interesting, isn't it?

We talk about horror, but does anything ever...

What has been the horror film that's actually scared you or made you feel unsettled in the middle of the night that same night thinking about it again?

Because to me, nothing ever really does.

Even that is horrible.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's not like, oh my God, I actually feel a bit scared in my bed.

Nothing

ever really achieves that to me.

Not now as an adult.

When I was like...

Teenager, any horror film would stick with me.

The first time I saw Scream 2,

two weeks, I was shitting myself.

Right.

Well, Scream, I think is a very scary movie actually you know if it's ironically enough because the past teachers would call scary movie but it's horrible the first one very violent what is the thought of like a killer not really needing any motive really yeah and just going around and knifing up everybody and I was like oh my god I that could be me at any point yeah you had anything like that when writing you know anything anything that you've done in the past and gone That's too horrible or not.

That's what I'm weird.

No, not really.

I mean, I think our things are dark, but I feel like there's always a

level of responsibility about it.

I think they're sometimes powerful because we are judicious with swearing.

So it's very impactful when we use it.

We've always had that sort of ethos

to try to not just go from naught to 100 and earn it.

And maybe that's, you know, it's a more insidious way of affecting people because we're careful with how we use it if it's going to be a gross out bit or something.

But yeah, sometimes you can just tell that people are sort of going for the full effect and they haven't earned it.

So

I don't think we've ever written anything where you thought that's too horrible.

We can't do that.

Well, judicious swearing,

you do build them so well.

I just think it's a fucking pleasure.

The Roy Shelby Brown bit.

It's just perfect.

Yeah, especially coming from him.

Yeah, of course.

You could see he's holding it into it.

Yeah,

it was the one time when we

we wanted him to do it and he and he was like, oh, you want me to swear?

Yeah, so yeah, it's um it's all in the writing and in sort of keeping things back.

Like horror, good horror.

I guess you're not seeing everything like terrifier.

It's so horrible.

Probably would have been just as horrible, if not more, to have seen him doing what he was doing, but not see it.

Yeah.

And you might have got through it then.

Yeah, maybe.

It was the noise.

Yes.

Funny games, that film.

Funny games is horrible.

That doesn't show pretty much anything.

So for all of it, all the horrible stuff is happening off-camera.

Yeah.

And that's stopping me for a long time because you just imagine, you just go away, imagine home invasion stuff keeps me awake at night.

Really horrible.

Because that's near, that's near to what could happen.

Yeah.

And in it, often the acting is, and the situation is like what it would be like.

Yeah.

The purge is a horrible film.

I was just going to say that.

Isn't it?

Just thinking, oh, God, that'd be awful.

Yeah, imagine that.

And it's not, it's very close.

It's not gothic.

It's not like a castle where it's not scary because it's once removed.

This is like in your house.

And it's like very believable.

That's why I think often the scariest things are like a robber coming in because it's that's what used to keep me awake at night thinking there was a creak on the on the stairwell you know someone's in terrified trying to creep around to my mum and dad to wake them up in the night that was always the most scary thing I used to have a recurring nightmare just remembered it now of my mum and dad that were replaced this was a literally it was I used to dream about it a lot and when it started out it was it was the most frightened I'd ever been because it was like oh it's going to be that one again and i would go to bed and then my mum and dad would dance would take their mum and dad faces off and they'd be witches

and they were dancing around downstairs and it they weren't my mum and dad yeah being replaced and that used to happen a lot and it was i would wake up and be slightly affrighted of my mum yeah thinking it's not you take your mask off

that's so i think i feel now like what you were saying about you shouldn't have said it out loud yeah i know

my

i loved roll dial books as a great

witches and my mum started reading The Witches to me

whilst holding a bat over you.

The Witches opens with how to spot a witch.

I love

the opening of the...

The awful thing about they've only got one toe.

Yeah, all this.

Yeah.

They wear gloves because it's so square on the rest of it.

Yes, all this stuff.

And she was reading it all, all the checklists.

And not all of them added up, but some of them I was like, this is you.

And she got to the end.

Why did you play inside?

She got to the end of it.

And I, just in a quivering voice, went, Marvie, are you a...

Are you a witch?

She went, right, we're not reading this book.

You're shit scared.

Yeah.

Immediately.

Well, that's the worst thing to say.

Just say no straight away rather than we're not reading this.

He's onto me.

Yeah.

That's how that sounds.

We have to age him.

And then she put you

into the cage because you were a mouse.

Yeah, turned me into a mouse.

Put me in a nest with you.

You couldn't have a meal with me.

Yeah.

Yes.

Well, it's funny, isn't it?

The childhood things and the more mundane things are the things that get you more than all full-on horror.

Yeah.

Definitely.

But this pumpkin pie is definitely

a shot.

Because you are a fantastic baker as well.

Well, yes.

And I guess, as I said earlier, having done the bake-off, where I did one of my choices was a tray bake, pumpkin tray bake.

So it's in that world.

But I don't know whether I'm a fantastic baker.

I just knew I would get by some way by being quite artistic.

I'm quite good at art.

I used to do, I don't really do it as much as I used to, but I thought, I bet I can, can, if it's biscuits, I can do, I'll probably be able to do something that looks quite good with the icing.

So I thought I'd have, it wouldn't be completely useless.

I wouldn't be going that route.

Yeah.

And as it turned out, they said it tasted nice as well.

I was surprised.

I got the handshake.

Oh, you got the handshake.

The handshake wasn't tray base.

Amazing.

We can't all do well, James.

However, it was absolutely the most stressful thing I've ever done.

Yes.

Yeah, I found it

exhausting and I was fucked by the end of it.

We've got the full spectrum here.

One did fine.

Absolute disaster.

Yeah.

Well, there you go.

I never really appear as me in things.

And that was relentlessly.

It was only two days of it.

Yeah.

But it was exhausting to be on the entire time.

Five cameras on you, waiting for you to fail, trying to think of funny things all the time and do it.

Do the cooking.

But definitely want to fucking crack an egg normally whilst being watched and asked what you're doing.

Yeah.

So it was, yes, it looks like I was just doing it.

But you realize you're on bake off and it's it's really stressful yeah yeah i learned that everyone else is just a lot better at going on bake off and acting on the outside like they're all right yeah i don't i don't have that i was just like no this is how i'm really feeling and it's all gonna be on the outside and you don't have to wait around for me to fuck up because it's happening constantly

so

just point the cameras at me and here we go i had a lovely time good yeah i was very excited to do it i thought i'm gonna have a great time found it fun to do yeah i'm gonna cook cook really well it's gonna be great first thing i did put icing sugar in instead of flour.

First thing I did.

No.

Yeah.

I know.

I mean, you suddenly realize you're doing things that other like the things you watch people do on bacon.

Yeah.

Oh my god,

it's not all sticking together.

What am I going to do?

Put it in the fridge.

Oh, I've dropped it all.

Things like that.

You just are fingers and fingers and thumbs completely, but that's what they rely on, isn't it?

Obviously, they want people to do horrible things.

They want you to do bad things.

Yeah.

Full spectrum.

Fail, win.

I'm nodding toward James

failer.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

To yourself, people know.

People know who you're nodding towards.

I know they know who you are.

They know what direction that nod's going.

When anyone says fail on this podcast, there's a nod.

Very definitely.

There's a nod in this guy this way.

Yeah.

This direction.

I'll never be your menu back to you now.

See, are you okay about that?

I'll see, yes, because I feel like I've been a bit vague, but I have another idea.

Oh, I know you've been passing.

Okay, good.

First thing you asked was to be drunk down and put in a nest.

Yeah, so it could have been more specific.

Sparkling water.

We would like for pop numbers of bread, you've chosen a fried egg, peanut butter and jam sandwich.

I did, didn't I?

Starter, Heinz Oxtail Soup, main course, Christmas dinner.

Side dish, Haggis, Neeps and Tatties, Burns Night.

Drink, a full glass of alpine dandelion and burdock from the pop fan.

Dessert, your own homemade pumpkin pie with single cream.

Narcissistic, but yes.

I mean, it's pretty great.

Is it?

Yeah, I think they've all got nice memories attached to them.

They've all got reasons why they're there there's different times of year associated with different courses but it all feels wintery and nesty yes it just doesn't yes it's all very autumnal and that is my favorite time of the year when the night's drawing and we get into the run from halloween to bonfire night christmas is all my favourite bits so yes it's in keeping with that i think and the wintry skies how quickly do you want to be magic fingered back into normal size rooms yes good question i mean i guess it's how quickly that if that wine rat is around talking to me all the time yeah if he's left me alone, I'd be happy just to be up there for a little bit listening to the pitter-patter.

I wouldn't want to waste it.

I mean, it's not going to happen very often, is it?

This shrinking down.

So, I guess I'll let it all settle and feel contented and then have to go back to my normal life.

So, give me like 45 minutes, half an hour,

perfect.

Thank you very much for coming to the dream nest, Reese.

Thank you very much for having me.

Shrinking me down.

Thank you very much to Rhys for coming in.

We have we've made him whole big-sized again and sent him on his way.

Yeah, yeah.

We've magic fingered him back to normal size.

We magic fingered him back to normal size very luckily as well

that he didn't say special stuff.

Yeah, I mean who knows?

He could have done.

There was a lot of imagination going on there.

There was, but I would have hate to have had to have kicked him out of the restaurant when he was still small.

Yeah, that would have been badly.

Because there wouldn't have been time to magic finger him.

No, we would have had to just kick him out.

Yeah.

He would have tumbled down the drain, maybe.

Yeah.

And been washed away.

And then, you know, he couldn't have performed in The Unfriend because he would have been too tiny.

There would have been people sat in the front row having to use those little opera glasses from the back of the seat.

And who's got a 20p these days?

Yeah, no.

When I went to see a play with my parents and I kept on offering 20p to my mum to use the binoculars because I was like, you need those now.

You're old.

She didn't like that.

Kept going, 20p, I'll pay for it.

My treat, you can use them.

You're a lovely son.

Go and see the unfriend.

Theunfriend.com is where you need to go to get tickets to sign up the criterion, and it is on now.

Strictly limited season.

Get your ticket.

It's a hot ticket.

It's a hot ticket.

So wear oven gloves when you go to the ticket booth.

Yeah, you need oven gloves, but then if you do need the opera glasses, they're going to be even trickier to get out.

Yeah, it's really hard, actually.

Yeah.

So, you know, but that's why they only want the best coming to see it.

Yeah.

So go see it.

Thank you very very much for listening.

We will see you again sometime soon.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep.

Get a new phone on any plan with select phone trade-in and my

and lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to them current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah, and we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.