Ep 178: Fern Brady

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Thumbtack presents project paralysis.

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Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, layering up the pasta sheets of chat, pouring over the bolognese of good humor, pouring over the bechamel of friendship, sprinkling over a little bit of cheesy fun to make the lasagna of

content.

It's high time you did a lasagna one at the top.

Fucking love lasagna.

I love lasagna!

That is Ed Gamble.

My name is James Acaster.

This is the Off Menu Podcast, and we invite a guest to our dream restaurant and ask for their favourite ever starter main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Fern Brady.

Might be time to make my annual lasagna.

Yeah?

My lasagna.

Yeah.

Lasagnial.

I only make it because I put so much stuff in it.

It's so utterly unhealthy.

It's like a bomb.

It's like a calorie bomb.

I can only make it once a year and then freeze portions and sort of break them out when I need them.

Invite me over for lasagnial day.

Please.

Come over the inaugural lasagnial day.

Yeah, I'll come over for the inaugural lasagnal.

Yeah.

One of the things I had in Disney World was

which I'm sure I'll bring up Disney World food.

throughout the podcast.

Oh, you're going to drip feed that stuff for years, I think.

Yeah, I think I'll drip feed it for years.

Yeah.

But one of the things I had from the French booth in Epcot was

a free cheese beignet where the middle of the beignet was basically bechemel sauce and like a cheesy, and it was very good.

Oh, I bet.

Only on holiday would you eat something so indulgent,

so decadent.

That's not true.

No, I'd eat it.

You'd eat that now?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I'd have enough.

You'd eat that for lunch when we were doing a full workday.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You'd eat it whatever.

Yeah, probably.

But, yeah, guilt-free, though.

Yeah.

Only on holiday.

Sure.

When I was in Disneyland,

Los Angeles,

you've probably had this one, Benito.

Add a pretzel with cheese sauce and jalapeno in the middle.

Oh, yeah.

It is, to date, the saltiest thing I have ever eaten.

And that's Ed Gamble saying that.

Yeah.

A savoury boy.

And I eat bowls of salt like cereal.

He does.

Yum, yum, yummy, yum, yummy.

I mean, it was yummy, yummy.

It was delicious, but I had to get a bottle of water to drink after every bite I took of that thing.

Like you're in the desert.

Yeah.

Fern Brady is a fantastic comedian.

So good.

All three of us sitting around this table, Benito included.

Massive Fern Brady fans.

Very excited to have Fern.

We're Brady heads.

And of course you'll recognize her from television's Taskmaster.

Yes, and the wonderful podcast Wheel of Misfortune as well.

And of course Fern has a book coming out called Strong Female Character, which we'll be asking her about.

Very excited about her.

Yes, I'm very excited about the book.

Fern is not only genuinely hilarious and completely unique, she's also had a crazy crazy life.

Yeah.

And

all of her stand-up shows will attest to that.

She's got stuff

that she talks about in those shows.

So funny while being really open and revealing.

I expect the book is going to be more of her own unique brand of comedy.

Like all book form.

Like all the best comedians, she's got something to say.

She's had a life unlike this boring sausage.

Yep, Ed's pointing at himself there, just so you know.

Yeah, I'm not, I don't have a sausage in front of me.

Yeah, there's not a sausage there that he's bought out and said, this sausage couldn't write a book, because Ed's not lost his mind.

No.

It couldn't, though.

It couldn't.

Just to be clear.

Yeah.

A sausage couldn't write a book.

And if anyone sells you a book and they say this was written by a sausage.

Don't read it.

Don't read it because A, it's probably not true.

It hasn't been written by a sausage.

It's a lie.

And you'll probably open it up.

And if it has been written by a sausage, it'll just be loads of grease marks on the pages.

Horrible goosey because of the sausage been rolling around on every page.

Yeah.

Stupid sausage.

As always, there's a secret ingredient.

And if Fern says it, then we will kick him out the restaurant because we deem the secret ingredient to be unacceptable.

This week, the secret ingredient is

the little bag of onion that you get with an Indian takeaway an Indian takeaway I never eat it it's just a sweaty little polyfine bag that has chopped up bits of onion in it and

especially when Joe what nowadays with apps yeah wish there was a box I could check that says don't throw in anything that I haven't actually ordered.

Please don't put in the little extra bag of stuff.

It feels wasteful, please.

And then it always turns up being like, oh, there's a little sweaty polyfine bag full of onions there.

And I'm not going to use it because you've made me a perfect curry anyway.

Yeah, I don't want to put a little sweaty perfect onion on it.

I don't need more

stuff.

No, sir.

That makes me sad.

And that was Yvonne Maxwell who suggested the little bag of onion that you get with an Indian takeaway, James.

Oh, Max Yvonne Well.

Hmm?

It reminds me of my friend Max Yvonne Well.

What?

I have a friend called Max Yvonne.

No, you don't.

So that's quite interesting.

You don't have a friend

Maxwell.

You don't have a friend called Max Yvonne Well.

I'm thinking of Max Nivan.

Max Nevan, they did very well.

Maxin Ivan done well.

Maxin Ivan done well.

I'm going to level with you guys.

We're at the end of a very long day.

And yet we're still churning out the best quality jokes in the industry.

So I've got to make that pretty impressive.

That's what I mean.

I'm going to level with you guys.

We're fucking brilliant at this.

This is how good we are when we're running on fumes.

We come up with riffs about.

You can tell us someone's name and we can turn it into a Max Nevan joke.

Yeah.

Very much looking forward to talking to Fern.

Fern!

This is the off menu menu.

Fern Brady.

Hi Brady.

Welcome Fern to the Dream Restaurant.

Hey uh

welcome Fern Brady to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Thank you so much for having me because I'm obsessed with food.

I think about home as soon as I've finished one meal I'll think about the next meal and what I'm gonna have and what's going to be the perfect thing to have.

And is it when you finish one meal and you instantly start thinking about the next one, is that influenced by the meal you just had and what you want to follow it?

No.

Oh, I didn't understand that question.

I'll be honest with you, James, I didn't quite understand the question.

You've just finished a meal.

Say you've just had a cheesecake at the end of the meal.

Then when you start thinking about the next meal, are you thinking, right, my palate now, after that cheesecake, would like this?

Because that's where my palate is.

Or are you just thinking completely separate from the meal you just had and thinking, later on, I want to have some?

Because I would find it hard to think about a food I want to eat when I've still got the taste of another food lingering in my mouth.

Usually

fullness affects me a bit, but sometimes I've been so full that I can barely walk after a meal.

This is usually on holiday, and then I still want to look at menus and windows and plan what I'm going to have.

I tend to, anytime I go on holiday, I have a little list of local foods that I've never tried and I have to try and check off that list during the holiday so I went to Greece this summer and it was the like honestly the best holiday of my life

I'm still losing the weight that I gained from it I gained about 10 pounds in 10 days it was unreal great

what was on the list what was on the list that you ticked off in Greece

Is any of it on the dream menu?

We don't want you to give us spoilers here.

One of the things was going to be on the dream menu, but it was too lame.

Even if I gave the explanation, it'd be too rubbish.

A Greek salad made in Greece.

Normally, if someone said that, I would be like, are you joking?

It's like the shittest thing ever.

But the Airbnb that we were staying in, the guy who owned it, his elderly father came round one night to fix something for us and he ended up staying for three hours talking to us about how Greece is amazing.

All Greek people have five bellies.

Everyone in London's a cunt, basically.

And he said that a Greek salad made in Greece with tomatoes grown there and olives grown there is exceptional.

And after that, I just, every time I ate it, I thought of him.

Oh, that's nice.

And then we tried making it when we got back and it was just terrible.

Yeah, yeah, it's an ingredients thing, I think, and like a surroundings thing.

If you were putting it on the dream menu, would you want that old man to make it?

Yeah.

Yes, it was so good.

Like he just was, because I said, oh, I don't really like living in London anymore.

And he just goes on this rant about how the English were all drunks and stuff.

And we were,

he just was amazing.

He was so entertaining.

So I had a lot of tasty salads, which sounds crap, but they were amazing.

And we got fat off them.

So

they were putting something dodgy in them.

I had

Greek canned pies, which are basically like just pies filled with melted cheese.

Not always feta.

They got all sorts of nice cheeses.

oh i go in between being veggie and pescatarian i had tons of amazing fish i had prawn saganaki that's like lovely prawns with feta and tomato sauce and i don't really like cakes very much but they had a nice cake soaked in orange blossom honey orange blossom syrup does something

every time i'm reminded of greek food i remember that it's probably my favourite food it's unbelievable so good And it's not, it wouldn't be, because a lot of the stuff on my menu today is Chinese, but honestly, like, I really respect the way the Greeks stir food.

And also, you're into ice cream, James.

All right, so I'm not,

I wouldn't give it a second thought.

I'll occasionally have it if it's a dead fancy place, like I like that Chen Chin place in London.

Sometimes they had a hipster ice cream place on this little island we were staying on, and they had like the best pistachio ice cream I've had in my life.

Oh, wow.

And I'm not an ice cream fan.

Yeah, yeah.

Joseph Quinn would like that.

Joseph Quinn came on the podcast and chose a a pistachio ice cream affogato, I believe, even though he'd never had it before.

Yeah.

But that's what's great.

Just make stuff up.

Yeah, that's where you got to go.

Have you had everything on your menu today?

Are you making stuff up that you've never actually had before?

Combinations you haven't had, or is it all stuff you've experienced firsthand?

So I wanted to do the most genuine menu.

I didn't want to do any fertilizer signaling.

I didn't want to do

the way vegans are.

Do you know what I try and do?

I try and be vegetarian and tell fucking no one about it because

I don't like being too Catholic about my diet and I hate when people go on and on and on about it.

Anyway, so I didn't want to do that.

I didn't want to do something about my Scottish heritage and oh, I used to eat this growing up.

And also I grew up eating in a really pretentious, what some people would say is a pretentious way.

I wanted what is my genuine answers.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah.

It's all things I've had.

it's all things that if i wasn't thinking about calories or like the best healthy food to eat these are the foods that i would choose and i said to my partner last night what do you think i've picked for off menu and he guessed it almost exactly you guessed each thing yeah

apart from the butter but at that point i didn't know what butter i wanted do you want to break up over that no

that's all right the only word well no that's skipping to the dessert but there was a thing i said for dessert and he was like you don't like those I like those and I was like

that's a big call isn't it you don't like those I like those

he just eats more of them because I'm always like worried about having a big moon face on TV

when you say you ate potentiously as a child wasn't oh my gosh what do you mean

so well see I don't think it I remember there was a chef Gizzy Erskine this really stuck in my head when she said this she said like in France you can eat well and it's not associated with your social class.

So if I talk about the way I grew up eating or if I talk about the way I eat now, people go, you've changed as if I've like come into money and decided to start eating like this.

No, I've returned to the way that I grew up eating.

Basically my mum would bake us focaccia all the time growing up.

She would have Greek themed food nights.

She would give us, I remember being really embarrassed of my lunchbox a lot at school and really jealous that I wasn't eating like what the scaffy kids were eating.

Like

I I really wanted cheese strings or do you know those dairy luncheon bottles?

And my mum would always say to me, like, the children that eat that food, their mums don't love them.

And I would be eating a bag of physilis as my snack at break.

You know, those

fruits that decorate a cake.

Yeah, that they put they put them on cheesecakes and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She'd give us bags of them.

I think they've been our secret ingredients.

Yeah, so a lot of

like interesting fruits.

Yeah, I can't imagine being a kid at school pulling a bag of fitsillish out of your bag.

Well, there was one time, the area I'm from now has got like quite a lot of child poverty.

And I remember my pal at school, she pulled out a ball of cod liver and oil tablets and was just eating them during break.

And

she was like, Do you want some?

And I was like, Yeah.

And I just was like, I can't believe my mum's such a bitch.

She's always giving me fruit at school.

Oh, yeah, she never gives me a big bag of cod liver oil tablets.

And then I told my mum later, can I have god liver oil tablets as my snack?

And she had to say again, like,

those kids have parents that are irresponsible and stuff.

Yeah, she was right with that one, yeah.

With the godliver oil tablets, pop in a whole bottle of them.

And there were always these sweets when I was growing up, like push-pops, ring-pops.

Don't push me, push push-pop.

Yeah.

The whistle, you know, the whistles that were made out of candy.

And my mum would always say, like, the children that eat them, their teeth rot in their heads.

So we never, never were allowed anything like that.

The push-pop advert.

Yes.

Do you remember it?

Don't push me, push a push-pop.

Yeah.

Yes.

Do you think any kid actually ever tried to use a push-pop in a genuine bullying situation?

And just got the absolute shit.

Oh, yes, I remember.

Yeah.

Because the big kid pushes the little kid, and the little kid goes, don't push me, push a push-pop, and gives him a push-pop.

And then he has a push-pop.

But obviously, in real life, that's an invitation to get beaten up for the first pop is going straight up his ass.

I did manage to have one of the whistle ones one time, and that had a little stick coming out of it that you could play tunes on.

The rapper would have a tune on the back so you could play three.

You could follow the light or whatever.

Just you in the playground with your little suite playing a tune with the music in front of you, throwing fistslas into your mouth.

Green sleeves.

And then she also, because I saw an advert for like a boarding school in the newspaper and I said, I want to go to this boarding school.

And my mum said, the children that go to private school, the parents get the money for that by only eating Tesco Value food.

Your mum's got a lot of insight into other people's parents.

So I always believed her.

She was like, you can either go to this Porsche school, but you'll eat terrible food, or you can eat the way we do now.

Yeah, you chose for catcher and fissile this.

Yeah.

Yeah, but then I asked I asked Ivo about it, uh, Ivo Graham,

Odetonian, and he was like, No, no, we always had had nice food yeah yeah

finally the lie was exposed ivo did you have to eat bad food no i ate good food all the time i wouldn't say so because we've had him on this podcast before his food choices were awful and he he thinks an acceptable dessert is banana and natural yogurt yeah well yeah i've worked a lot with him and i was really shocked at the way he eats he just doesn't care yeah like he doesn't

sometimes i would rather not eat than have something rubbish or something that i'm not bothered about.

I completely agree with you.

Yeah, yeah.

So, um, whereas he just like I saw him having sausage rolls for breakfast when we were in Melbourne and things like that.

Yeah.

I just was like, like of all the,

I love breakfast so much in Melbourne because they've got the best brunch culture in the world that I'll devote most of my calories to having breakfast foods and then just have like not very much at night.

Just a bag of thisalis.

Just

I pretty much have brunch in in the morning in Melbourne and then I just eat like a little monkey at night with loads of berries.

Oh, you are the monkey in this situation.

I thought you were eating a little monkey.

No.

It's a very lean meat.

I eat like a little monkey.

I just eat a little monkey in the evening.

Eat a little monkey.

I thought you were a pescatarian.

I'd love to ask you what water you wanted.

Let's get back to this.

You're eating monkeys.

Well, I alternate between eating very well and then on tour, I just eat eat um blueberries and yogurt again and again and again.

Right.

It's like my go-to.

Yeah.

Touring's difficult though isn't it?

Gives you energy the blueberries.

Well they're the best food for I think I've eaten blueberries every day for the last 15 years or something.

Yeah.

I think it's my mum's influence.

Yeah because the kids who didn't eat blueberries had parents who were awful.

Yeah she once she really embarrassed me actually one time when I was at um I was going out with this guy when I was 16 and his family all ate really badly.

And I was over at his house, and we were ordering a pizza.

And my mum phoned their house phone up to ask when I was coming home for dinner.

So I was like, let's put this on speakerphone and listen to this dumb bitch.

And she was like, why aren't you coming home for dinner?

I've cooked asparagus.

And I was like, I'm having pizza, mum.

And she went, but it's your favourite vegetable.

No, it's not.

I just like took it off speakerphone straight away.

She likes lying about it.

Quickly backfire.

It was my favourite because the way my mum would cook it, she would cook it just like lightly grilled.

You parboil it, then grill it, then put some parmesan and garlic over the top and salt.

It was my favourite vegetation.

Yeah, it was.

That does sound good.

Before we get into your menu, we should talk about your book that's coming out.

Oh, yeah.

Strong female character.

Yeah, I can't change the title now.

My brother told me to change it.

Oh, yeah.

What did your brother want you to change it to?

He didn't have any other suggestion.

Yeah, that's always helpful, isn't it?

So when I said to the publisher, I said, my brother,

she was like, no, you're not changing it.

Oh, yeah, I've got a book coming out about how it's rubbish being an autistic woman, but it's also good.

I think there's a lot of good things to it because there's a lot of aspects to being a girl that are really dumb.

Especially around eating.

Like a lot of posh, skinny women that I'm friends with, they monitor how everyone's eating, and I'm usually just

continuously eating eating in the background, not bothered about it.

Because if you're autistic, you don't really care about

conforming to social norms or

different non-verbal cues.

So that's a benefit.

But the downside is when I get stressed, I eat the same foods over and over again.

Just blueberries and yoghurt.

Yeah, or whatever.

I've had a few bagel phases.

I just love bagels.

I love the shape.

Certain type of bagel.

What do you want on the bagel?

I like the sesame ones personally.

I like cinnamon and raisin just with butter.

Yeah.

But also peanut butter ones.

Not a fan of savoury bagels or a bagel with like a lot of fillings in it.

I love it.

I love a bagel with a lot of fillings in it.

Yeah.

There's a place near us that deliver bagels now and get the smoked salmon and cream cheese one.

There's so much smoked salmon and cream cheese in it.

I love it.

Yeah, yeah.

Although they've recently started putting tomato in there, which I'm very angry about.

Yeah.

I wouldn't want that.

Too wet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I agree that smoked salmon and cream cheese, if it's a bagel or a sandwich or whatever, often people skimp on both those fillings and it annoys me.

And I want like a whole salmon in there,

a whole weapon of cream cheese.

Yeah, I want it all in there.

I want the more filling, the better with a smoked salmon and cream cheese.

I like an everything bagel as well.

Right.

I can't think of them now without thinking about that film.

Have you seen it?

Yes.

Everything everywhere all at once.

Yeah.

Which describes how I want my salmon and cream cheese.

Yeah, it's exactly how you want.

Everything everywhere all at once.

Didn't write about food much in the book.

Oh, wait, no, I did.

I tell her that.

I did.

I didn't write about all the nice food that I ate, but I have gone through some mad phases where I will just eat one food.

Like one time I was really sad after a breakup, so I only ate boiled eggs

for ages.

Just to make things even more sad, yeah.

Oh, it was grim.

Basically,

I read that both Charles, Saatchi, and Rihanna had lost weight from only eating boiled eggs.

Yeah, you you would.

So obviously they're weighted.

Well, you'd lose a lot of other stuff as well.

Like your dignity,

not smelling like a big fart all the time.

Listen, it was so bad.

I started getting these, like, after maybe three months.

Three months of only eating.

I'm telling you, it was like

boiled eggs on our.

Oh, my God.

It was so sad.

How many boiled eggs a day were you eating?

And were you eating anything else as well?

Sometimes I was eating meat at that time.

I would sometimes eat chicken, but that's depressing as well because I hate thinking of the two together.

Yeah, chicken and egg, yeah.

But no, not very much else.

How many eggs were you eating a day?

I think I was eating,

I could do six to eight.

Yeah.

If I ran out of eggs, that was stressful.

Were you only eating them in like, you know, proportions like that you get a box?

I would have two at a box.

It had to be.

I would have two eggs at a box.

And then you get in a box.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and then coat them in salt.

Yeah.

And then I started to get bad pains in my side, yeah.

And uh, the GP was like,

Have you been doing Atkins or something?

And I was like, Yeah, something like that.

And he said,

Take this medicine, go home, drink all the water, eat some toast.

And I was like, I can't believe my prescription is toast.

This is amazing.

That's like my dream is to be prescribed toast.

Because the way I got into this podcast was I heard that Catherine Ryan didn't like bread, and I agree with Catherine Ryan on like 99% of things and uh huh don't enjoy well to have the power to not like bread yes I can't imagine that

I love it more than anything I love it more than I would I would give up alcohol before that would give up sugar and sweets before bread

there's there's no bread I've ever had that I don't like I've tried diet breads or bread that's just made of seeds like I love all bread like you say you like having a meal and then immediately thinking about the next meal.

So when you're in an obsessive phase, that must take all the joy out of it because you're eating two eggs and then you know that the next meal is going to be two eggs.

Yeah, that's more like I think definitely being in a couple helps because I eat a lot more normal meals now.

Anytime a boyfriend goes away, I just revert back to like

he went away recently and when he came back, there was nothing left in the fridge.

I hadn't done any shopping and I'll just eat like very plain foods, just berries and yogurt again.

It's like i can't think what to have on my own my wife my wife's very similar so when i go away like it just all goes it all cost a shit like she'll be like i had crisps on the toilet for dinner or something like

i'll tell you some crisps would be a food i'm not bothered about at all the main time i eat crisps is if i'm at a gig because it's always at gigs yeah in the audience uh

oh they're the worst

the confidence to do that yeah i wouldn't be bothered about crisps there's some foods i think that's just like a waste of my time, like croissants as well.

Unless it was a mega fancy one, I wouldn't bother eating a plain one.

Waste of time.

Oh, yeah, I don't want a plain croissant.

But no, see, I'm similar.

I wouldn't order a plain croissant.

I wouldn't, you know, buy any plain croissants.

But when you're in a situation where there is a plain croissant and you're like, oh, fine, I'll have it.

And it's warm and you tear it apart and just so buttery and delicious.

Well, it's got to be

it's got to be a mega buttery one.

Yeah.

Because if you get one that's not mega buttery and it says on its site and it's the worst, worst

thing yeah like but i wouldn't eat say you were at a work thing and there were croissants there like here in the uk i wouldn't bother if you were in france yeah i would eat it or like melbourne we went on a trip to this place um fitzroy uh melbourne that does insanely fancy croissants do you know the place i mean well i've never been to melbourne

but I follow a croissant place in Melbourne on Instagram because of course

it's called Loon.

Yeah, yeah.

There you go.

Yeah, absolutely obsessed with it.

I've been to Melbourne multiple times.

Didn't know where you were talking about.

Ed follows a quass on place in Melbourne.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

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We better get into your menu properly.

Let's start with still a sparkling water.

Sparkling?

Yeah.

You came alive when you said sparkling.

Yeah, yeah, you beat me.

And do you know what?

Because I'm pretty obsessed with eating the perfect foods and eating really healthily and stuff.

A lot of people are very critical of that now, but I get a real buzz out of it.

And I read, sparkling water is bad for you in some way, just slightly bad for you.

So whenever I drink it off, you're like a rebel now.

Which is quite sad because it is just water.

It feels mad, like I'm drinking spirits or something.

Do you think your mum would say that the kids who had sparkling water, their parents didn't care about them?

She actually thinks I've gone too far with the food thing now and I'm like, well, you've planted the seeds of it.

I mean,

I guess she can't put anything down to, you know, like

the way an adult eats, where you eat now.

She can

attribute none of it to herself as a parent.

She was always like going, kids who eat this is because of their parents, but as you grow up...

I mean, if anything, the way you eat now is completely because of your mum.

Oh, definitely.

Does she take any credit for it?

She was really pleased that I went on Grace Dent's podcast and talked about good food.

Because she was a little bit annoyed because I also talked about when I worked in a strip club and this guy that had Down syndrome would come in all the time and shout at us.

So she was very upset about that bit.

But then the catcher thing made up for it.

Yeah.

So here's a question that everyone probably had earlier in the podcast that I feel we should circle back around to before we move on with the menu: is sorry to ask ask it but how bad do your farts stink when you are eating the eggs all the time they weren't they weren't bad they're actually worse when I eat a lot of tofu and beans which are two of my favorite foods I fart loads loads and loads

because the two the second two loads and loads made me laugh loads but James knows exactly why I'm laughing just because I find that sort of thing really funny yeah and you said it in a really serious way like you were musing on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I better add two more loads in there.

But isn't it good for you?

Yeah, probably.

I got really into reading about the gut microbiome and eating fermented foods.

But I tend to get quite obsessive about one thing at once.

So I read that eating for your gut is going to help you live longer.

So I made my own kombucha.

I bought like the thingies that make kefir.

I've made my own, what's the other one?

The three K's.

Cabbage.

Kimchi.

Kimchi.

Kimchi.

Kimchi.

I've made it all at once.

And then you're not really supposed to eat all them free things at once and in like massive quantities.

And I honestly just like, my shits were like flying out of me like wet piglets.

It was so,

oh my god.

Because I was like, I didn't know the power that this stuff had.

I just was like, I'll be fine.

But yeah, I love all the fermented stuff.

So you just eat loads.

Was it just the amount that you were eating was what was causing the wet piglets.

Yeah, you can't have the three K's at once.

You're going to just sort of sprinkle them throughout your wet.

Well, you put three K's together and stuff starts.

Yeah, that's when something starts going.

You should have known this is going to turn pretty bad.

Poppadums or bread.

Pop-dums or bread, fern bread.

Pop-dums or bread.

Brett, I mean, I didn't even get into pop-a-dums until recently.

I wouldn't even...

They were one of my waste of time foods along with crisps and croissants.

Yeah.

Your waste of time food seems to be quite sort of flaky.

Anything

that might carbs.

Yeah.

Anything carby and calorific that I'm not gonna I have to enjoy it to the to the max that's my role with foods.

I have to I want every meal time to be amazing basically apart from when you're in an egg phase oh apart from the eggs and the blueberries and the yogurt yeah there's either got to be amazing or there's a reason

you do it yeah yeah so yeah so like with so yogurt another great food for your gut i got that's really good and blueberries are going to stop me from dying of cancer apparently.

So I feel like I'm doing a good thing when I eat them.

So, I mean, it sounds like when you're eating, you're often very like you can talk about Ivo, just like he can just sit there and eat a sausage roll.

He's not thinking about any of it.

So, like, you're always thinking, you're always thinking when you're eating a meal, why am I eating it?

Yeah, what's this for?

Is it worth it?

Is it stressful?

Am I eating for pleasure or am I eating for function?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is it stressful?

I get stressed when,

so I like to be in charge of what food place I'm going to like in Melbourne I know where I want to go so I've just had a lot of my best food experiences there that's why I keep mentioning it so I know where I want to go a lot of the time and I have a friend who I want them because they're a good person they're an expert at picking the shittest breakfast places

and I don't ever want to waste a breakfast in my time on earth.

So if I'm trying to be like cool and relaxed and stuff and let another friend pick it, that's when I feel the worst.

Yeah.

Because a lot of people don't care about foods.

Yeah.

I still remember there was like one breakfast where it was crap and it still sticks in my head.

That was in Sydney.

Oh yeah.

Sydney breakfast.

Oh my god.

Crap.

It's a lot.

Yeah.

Does it make you lose respect for people if they pick some of my crap?

I'll resent them for a long time.

Yeah.

And it does make me lose respect for.

I'll sometimes describe a person as like they're the type of person who would go to a Japanese restaurant and order what's that really mild like chicken curry that you get

like a katsu curry yeah yeah they'd order a katsu curry i'll describe people as that yeah yeah or their favourite their idea of a great dinner is a roast yeah i'll just describe that as an insult but then no one else knows what i'm talking about well i get you i mean yeah it was i mean yeah i love a roast dinner but you were saying before the podcast when you hear people have chosen that as their dream meal so sad

just the amount of flavors and like like most most of my food choices are chinese things because i like china they care they don't just care about flavor they care about texture which is where you get so many different amazing textures of tofu and then here it's just like i just love a bit of roast meat with salt and pepper on it and people get really defensive over it but they're bragging about what a lovely Sunday roast is everything that's wrong with this country.

I mean England.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, england yeah yeah so great

yeah do they not like a roast dinner in scotland they probably do

but you've got your own breakfast

do you have your own roasts because you got your yeah scottish breakfasts are very clear yeah i really miss um square sausage i've had three different types of veggie square sausage yeah there's one good one but i can't remember who makes it might be face plant or something but yeah i really miss square sausage rolls i remember the first time i had it on the isle of mull was where I had the first square sausage I've ever had.

And it's a ratatouille moment, actually.

Anytime I have a square sausage, I'm transported back to the business.

Transported to the Isle of Mull.

Yeah, Toba Mori.

I thought that was a Proustian thing, is it not?

Is it?

We call it a Ratatouille thing here.

Benito's got a Toba Mori t-shirt on now.

That's mad.

That is, he's called the Great Benito because he used to be a magician.

And this is like watching a magician at the end of their show going, were you thinking of

Mori and then opening their shirt and it's a Tobamori t-shirt that was amazing but also should say he's wearing thousands of t-shirts he's layered up he's sweating so bad I didn't want to talk about Scottish foods very much you don't like it because I tricked you into it then I'm not a very Scottish person

wrong

no but like um I'm just not uh there are some foods that I'll eat that I miss, but I mean they're terrible for you.

Like Scottish bread is amazing.

Have you had stoveys in Scotland?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lovely.

It is lovely.

Yeah.

But, um, when have you had that?

You've never mentioned that?

Stoveys?

Yeah.

Well, that's not been like such an amazing experience that it's come up.

Yeah, it's not roughie.

But it's not the same in restaurants.

It's just not.

Like, I think I've had it and it wouldn't be a thing you would have in a restaurant.

It would be a thing that your grandparents and mum would make.

But anyway, I didn't, I didn't want to have any Scottish things on the menu.

Fair enough.

Because I'm just not.

Do you Scotland?

I'm just not bothered about it.

And like a lot of Scottish Londoners will go on and on about these things called Empire biscuits.

They're so average.

That may be a controversial point.

Yeah, well, see, we don't know that.

Okay.

But obviously, you're going to get.

You'll find out, I guess.

Yes.

When this goes out.

Of all the Scottish cakes, it wouldn't be my

go-to.

What is an Empire biscuit?

Yeah.

Oh, gosh.

Crap.

It's like two, not even shortbread biscuits.

It's not even as rich as shortbread.

Just like two plain, crumbly biscuits about the size of my hands.

So quite big.

And then on top, there's just like icing,

plain icing, and then like a midget gem.

And then there's some jam in the middle.

When my mum used to make them, I'll be like, whoa, have you made these again?

What we do have that's really nice are these things called pineapple tarts.

You You can get them if you're ever gigging in Scotland you'd get them in a supermarket.

It wouldn't be a fancy thing.

And that's like a little pastry case filled with whipped cream and some pineapple jam and then like a bright yellow icing on top.

Yeah, great.

Well that's like the Marks and Spencer's ones that Simon Rogan recommended.

Yes.

And I got really into them.

There's only certain Marks and Spencer's that sell them.

There's one on the Oxford Street Marks and Spencer's.

You can get those pineapple tarts.

I love them.

Absolutely double thumbs up.

I didn't know they were a Scottish thing.

I think they are.

Yeah.

Delicious.

I'm not a pineapple guy.

Yeah, well.

Why?

I just don't look really like, I'm not that bothered about the taste of it.

My wife's allergic to pineapple.

Oh, there you go.

Yeah, I used to get that.

Yeah.

And then I thought everyone's mouth hurt when they eat pineapple.

And it was only by chance I said to one of my colleagues one day, I love pineapple, but I hate like all the mad pain that you get.

And then he was like, What are you talking about?

I would go to hospital there.

I would puff up and go all red.

I was getting these random food allergies out of nowhere, right?

For a bit.

I think I've gone away now.

There used to be a pizza place in Heather Green, in Lewisham, that did this pizza that was so incredible.

But every time I ate it, I would find it hard to breathe and my lips would swell up.

Every time you ate it?

That was the thing was we would be like, oh, shall we order allergy pizza again?

I've never figured out what was on it.

but that was how tasty it was.

And then the people that I think it was called the Gold of Naples, that was the pizza place.

They moved back to Naples to make pizza.

So they must be the best.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely the best.

Or they just killed too many people here.

Yeah, we have to get out of here.

Yeah, we got to go.

Oh, maybe.

I've never had a pizza that good since.

What type of bread are we talking before we move on to your starter?

Oh, yes, sorry.

Gail's potato and rosemary salad.

Yes, it's good.

He's happy.

I absolutely love it.

For the butter, Quick's whee butter, which or any whipped butter.

I like when you get whipped butter in a restaurant.

So I'm loving this.

Very specific things that you want.

This is what I like in a menu.

I get excited when the guests come on and have specific ideas for each.

See, the quicks butter,

I think that's the one they sell at Gail's as well, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Little logs.

Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes weekend morning, delivery, get delivery Gails.

Oh, yeah.

Same.

Potato and rosemary sourdough.

Little log of butter.

That is your go-to as well.

Oh, yeah, that one, yeah, that one.

Or to be honest, any of the ones at Gales are really good.

We got I got seeded sourdough the other day, that's my other choice.

So good.

Well, seeded is my second choice.

Like, potato and rosemary is just the best, the best one.

I just get annoyed with places lying to me about their bread being sourdough when it's not.

I'm taking me for an idiot.

I was going to say a worser word there.

But

I was in a brunch place in Glasgow and ordered eggs and toast.

It would be my go-to brunch order.

And she brought me over.

This happens to me all the time.

They don't even toast the toast in so many places.

Does this come up for you?

I get annoyed.

Yeah, yeah.

I hate complaining in restaurants, right?

But then it happens just too many times to you.

So I got brought this hot white bread slice.

Like it was that thin.

So, so thin.

And I said to her, sorry, would it be possible to get get my toast um more toasted and she sort of looked at me and went that's actually this type of sourdough just doesn't toast she went i can try i can take it back and try

and i just because you think we're confident doing comedy but when someone tells you such a confident pest take of a lie that you can't toast toast

i was just like

yeah yeah can you take it back because i was like i'm 36 now if i don't because normally I just cringe at sending stuff back, but I thought if you don't do it now, you never will.

It gets brought back, and lo and behold, it had some colour on it.

Yeah, because there's no such thing as untoastable bread.

It's just

unbelievable.

Yeah.

The sheer brass neck of someone going.

I can try.

It's just, if you probably don't understand science, we're not going to be able to toast this.

It's magic bread.

Oh, my God.

Unbelievable.

Also, I bet they didn't didn't even toast it as much as they could have.

No, because they did want you to know they'd fully lied.

So they were just like, There you go, that's the best we could do, but it probably wasn't the best.

So how did this come about?

Were a lot of people getting burnt toast and sending it back in places?

Because I just wanted to.

Maybe.

Possibly.

They always like let their air on the side of caution.

Yeah.

It can't be a time thing, can it?

It can't be like they save a minute, so they just send it out.

Maybe people don't want maybe some people just don't want it that toasted when they with stuff on top of it.

But I'd say eight out of ten places I get given bread that's

just been in a toaster for a minute.

But with some sourdough, I do find that you need to stick it in the toaster twice.

Right.

Because it does come out looking like it's not been in the toaster and you need to stick it through again.

Sure, it doesn't give the appearance of toast.

And how do you feel when you get given bread that isn't sourdough in a restaurant and they call it sourdough because they take you for a cunt?

Just in case anyone wasn't sure what the phrase was earlier on that firm was avoided.

I'm not sure that's happened to me.

Or maybe I'm just an absolute sucker.

Yeah,

maybe you have an accent that unlocks doors.

I know what you are, Ed.

Don't take that guy for

a C.

He's going to know his stuff.

Whereas I probably wouldn't, you know.

Given that you've chosen,

we know this before going into your courses.

You've chosen a lot of Chinese food.

Were you tempted for Poppadom's or bread to go prawn crackers?

No, I'm fussed about prawn crackers at all another waste of time food.

My mate Alison Spittel, a comedian, we went for a Chinese there

and she got

her and my boyfriend just hoofed a load of prawn crackers and I think I had one and I remember Alison, I don't know if she kind of looked at me like oh that's surprising and i did i didn't want to say like this just isn't a thing that i'm not bothered about

she once worked in exchange for prawn crackers

in a Chinese people.

She did.

She told us this.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

She told us this.

I forgot.

Yeah.

No, I've remembered.

And she used to get beaten with a stick by an old Chinese lady.

Yeah.

Yeah, she told us that as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's funny that you're friends.

So your dream starter then, are we straight to Chinese food?

Yeah, this is...

I don't know if this will be allowed as a starter because it's a breakfast food.

It's a jan beng,

which is a Chinese crepe.

And this is like my all-time favourite food in the whole world.

Both my brothers live in Shanghai and I went to visit them a few years ago and they just they just would like order food for me and I didn't have like a single bad food experience because because we grew up together we all like the same things and they knew what I would like so the first morning there one of them just went and silently like got me this thing from a stall and handed it to me and it's a crepe a savory crepe they make it on like a big crepe maker crack two eggs onto it and fry them on that then uh put hoisin sauce over it spicy little pickled vegetables then they get fried wanton skins crush them up they're all like crunchy and sprinkle it over the top uh and then people get different fillings on top of that so my choice is like these spicy chewy tofu sticks.

But other people get little sausages or a bit of bacon, and then they put some lettuce coriander on top and wrap it all up.

It's unbelievable.

Yeah, sounds good.

Oh, it sounds so good.

I'll tell you where I get them.

I found a place to get them in London.

Pleasant Lady.

Pleasant Lady.

There's a place called Pleasant Lady.

I think that's a jambing place.

No, please tell us where you get them in London.

It's called Chinese Tapas House and it's if you were about to like go into Chinatown next to the place where they have magic mic on.

I can't remember the name of the street.

You know why I was thinking of that?

Because I was walking to get a jambing and there was all the topless pictures of the magic mic last and I thought, I bet they're starving or just eating a terrible diet.

And it made me feel bad.

I've had a whole time.

Yeah, yeah.

Pleasant Lady, Jambing Trading Stall, Old Spittlefields Market.

That's why I thought you were going to go with Pleasant Lady another place for you.

Oh, this one's a little bit neater to me.

There is another one in Chinatown, just round the corner, but I didn't rate it as much.

It's just amazing.

I've got to try this.

Never had one before.

It sounds great.

I'd recommend it.

I'm sure you can guess the ingredient that...

got me most excited when during the description the crispy wonton scheme i knew that from the you're crispy wonton schemes is when i was like well i'm eating this yeah yeah you did like oh sounds Sounds exciting.

It's like you're saying about texture, like it's and they've actually thought about how it feels in the mouth as opposed to it all just being wet stuff.

It's like a lovely hangover food or just any time food, but traditionally a breakfast food.

Well, that sounds great.

That's a really, I mean, that's the first time we've had that on the pod.

Yes, I'm into it.

So always good ones.

And it's made me...

I'm going to go and try one because I've never...

Please.

Every time I walk past Pleasant Lady, I'm like, that sounds nice.

Yeah.

And I really do want to stress, I didn't put, because one of my pals was like, oh, your suggestions are dead, pretentious.

I picked what are my favorite foods.

Yeah.

So people can get off your back.

Yeah.

I just want an adventure in my mouth every time.

Yeah, well, look forward to having that tweeted at you without any context after this has gone out.

Dream main course.

So I changed this last minute

this morning.

I thought I was going to go for mapo tofu because it's got my favourite condiment in it, laogan ma.

Oh my god.

It was on my dream menu when we did episode 100.

Yeah, I had laogan ma, the chili oil, yeah.

You can put it on, well, it's not just it's a chili oil with like salty little soybeans in it as well.

Salty soybeans.

And you can get one with peanuts in as well, but that was dangerous when I had that one.

I was just eating that like a yogurt.

Yeah, see.

Yeah, I had that.

But this dish has all those flavours in it, and it's malatang,

which was another thing my brothers introduced me to, but I've since had in different places.

If anyone knows a good London Malatang place, please let me know, because I can't seem to find one.

So Malatang's where you get a very spicy soup base.

You can pick how spicy you want it usually.

And it's got lots of like chili oil and sesh and peppers in it.

And then there's like

you go to a fridge and you pick out all the things you're gonna put in your soup so you can pick like eggs

quail eggs noodles vegetables

tofu puffs like all different things

and then you take it up to the counter and they weigh it and then they make your soup for you.

It's huge.

Oh, I think I mean we're back to Melbourne now.

I was gonna say it was for me

I think Phil Wang took us all for so because Phil Wang was doing his thing with I think we spoke about it on Phil's episodes.

Where he was yeah, he was rating all the different noodle places and he'd gone to somewhere that was amazing.

I was like, Right, let's go there.

He went, I kind of cover this other place, though.

I was like, No, you haven't, Phil.

You haven't, because it's just for your Twitter.

You've been making it

this other place.

And he took us to a place where we did that.

We had to put it all together.

And when, while we were eating it, he went, Oh, this is a bad place.

I was like, Yeah, this is a bad one, Phil.

He was like, Yeah, sorry.

That was it.

I just had a bad, but yours sounds nice.

I went for that's the last Malatang I had was with Phil.

And he kept laughing at me and saying, You got too, too much

and saying that I put too much in my bowl.

I always just get excited.

Yeah,

I just get excited at all the different things that you can get.

So, what are you putting in yours?

Well, how spicy is the base first?

Oh, well, I went for the spiciest level.

So, you've got top-level spice.

Yeah.

What are you selecting from

your actual ingredients in it?

Normal noodles or rice noodles.

I like

flat rice noodles I guess.

Oh my god, my favourite, uh, the Chinese savoury doughnuts.

I forgot to say the Jan Bang, they also put a Chinese doughnut in it.

It's insane.

Wow.

It's okay.

There's so so much in it.

Is that too too much?

Too too much, yeah.

It's not too too much.

See, I never put enough savoury doughnuts in it and then I'll try and put vegetables in to sort of show off but then I don't I end up just eating everything in order of preference and leaving the veg till last.

Put eggs in because I have a healthy relationship with eggs now.

Those are my main pics that I remember.

Oh, and then I always put lotus root in because I can't remember if I like it or not.

And then you've got to try it.

Well, I was going to ask, and then do you like it when it's in there, but I guess you can't remember.

It tastes like potato, does it?

It's kind of crispier.

It's like crunchier than potato, right?

A little bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's some foods I'll persist with because everyone says they like them, even though I don't.

Like, I've tried to eat squids.

Even though I think squid is the most inedible, disgusting thing in the world, I've tried to eat it like 20 times, which is mental.

Yeah, that's a lot.

But it was because everyone else seemed to be enjoying it.

Yeah.

Do you like it?

I do, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I like it.

I mean, it's very easy to mess up.

It has to be done the right way.

Yeah.

I don't like squid vacations.

But it's unlikely that you had it 20 times and it wasn't good one of those times.

I think you just don't like it.

Yeah, yeah, you definitely don't like it.

And then party I wanted to bring up as well as like

patty.

You hate patty.

You do, do you?

Oh, I hate patty to such an extent that if other people are eating it and I can smell it, it makes me want to be sick.

And I have really vivid recollections of seeing people eat patty and seeing the mush of patty in their mouth.

This mush of patty and baguette.

And it's so repulsive.

It's just creamed animal organs that then gets creamed up more in your mouth.

Yeah, it sounds disgusting.

It sounds disgusting.

disgusting to me.

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, if you see it now, yeah, yeah.

So you ruined pati for me.

Thanks, Ven.

These people eating their patty baguette and they're just opening their mouth while they look at you.

But when a person eats it, it makes me hate them.

Yeah.

That's how much I dislike it.

So no patty in my Malatang.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Put that on a t-shirt.

One time I had an incredible Malatang when I was with my brothers, and they'd said they were ordering me all veggie food.

And then I was like, why is this tofu so incredible and they were like oh it's soaked in pig's blood probably pigs or ducks blood wow

those brothers they do it for a laugh they think it was funny

I think they just didn't think yeah yeah but it was the most delicious tofu I've had of all time so you can probably yeah I mean I guess you're not eating meat you could say I oh I'm a vegetarian but everything I eat is soaked in the blood of animals.

Yeah.

Compromise.

I just eat tofu.

Yeah, it's not that there's a compromise.

I think that's worse than eating meat.

Soaked in the blood of

ducks and pigs.

I mean, I think it's

respectable that they use everything.

Yeah, yeah.

At least they're doing that.

Is it like hot pot, but when you order everything in?

Because I love Chinese hot pots.

See, I don't like Chinese hot pot.

And I've been to a couple of different places.

It is, and it isn't like hot pot.

It's the soup base that's just the difference because it's so spicy and incredible.

Like

you really, what you put in your melatangs, I'm not really that arsed about it.

It's the actual soup base is so tasty.

And I guess with hot pot, you're basically, it's the thing that you're cooking in the stock or whatever.

So it's not, you're not like drinking the stock.

I love it.

Heidi Lau near Leicester Square.

Absolutely brilliant.

Such a good night out.

That the place, so there was a place, because I always look at what restaurants you're going to on Instagram for recommendations.

And then there was a place that you went to but then when I looked at it it looked like it was all influencers well no it looks terrible it really looks terrible and you go in as well and you think oh it's gonna be really bad but it's really good it's really good ingredients and like but why did why are influencers all going there oh I don't know right I've got no idea I'd imagine that yeah if you're an influencer isn't one of the perks you get to go to good places for free yeah gotta be right Well, it depends, yeah.

Unless you're living a life where everything's rubbish and you're telling everyone it's great.

Yeah, that's a sad thing.

I mean, it was like a lot of pictures of girls that didn't look like they eat or like they were eating the food.

So it was just a bit like, oh, what is it about this place?

And then I didn't go because of that.

It's really nice.

But if you don't like hot pot, I guess it's

there, it's usually good.

I'd say.

What is?

If Ed's there.

He's an influencer.

Well, Charlie recommended me that one too.

He's an influencer.

I'm an influencer, yeah, sure.

Yeah, you are with food.

I was, when you started doing this, I was like, that's an amazing idea because I want to get more food sent to me.

And as it stands, I get offers of alcohol sent to me and I don't drink that much so well what foods do you want sent to you give it a shout out

I would do I'd do an advert for bread yeah just bread in general honestly like I'm like when can I advertise bread well I need to start going on about it more what if gales asked you to do an advert for them but they said you have to change your name

I I wouldn't I worked for a very annoying woman and admin called Gail so I just it's just not a cool name.

With girls, I just don't think they would want me for their brand.

If anyone wants to send me fermented foods, I would love that.

Yeah.

We get it.

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your dream side I changed this because the first one was disrespectful to Ed

Why was it disrespectful to me?

Because it's a thing called sleepy pasta.

Although it's not really.

And that's an insomniac head would not like it.

It's a mira soda recipe.

Love mirror soda.

Oh my God.

I've got a story about that.

So awful and embarrassing.

Yes.

So I was like the biggest mirror soda fan.

That's quite dorky to be like a fan of

Chef and the Guardian.

I've got two of her books.

I cooked almost everything in the books.

Most recipes that I cook

from her books on a weekly basis.

East, have you got East that book?

Yeah, yeah.

It's so good.

Yeah, it's amazing.

Her pad thai, I would rather have that over any takeaway.

I did this

travelogue with Ivo

and Darren Harriet where we went all around the UK and we went to this Indian deli in Leicester.

Yeah.

Bobby's deli.

It's amazing, by the way.

And I think it came up that I loved Mira Soda.

And he went, that's my wife's, that's that's our niece, basically.

I'll get her on the phone and I said please don't do that let's just get on with filming and I turned away he's a very charismatic guy the guy that runs this he basically wanted to show that he knew every British Indian

in the UK every famous one so a minute later he's holding out the phone and Mira Soda's on the phone and I think I have a voice that's frightens people or there's something off-kilter about my voice.

I'm aware people think I'm stupid or aggressive when I talk.

So Mira Soda just heard like, hello, it's me, Fanbridding.

And I love all your recipes.

And she was like,

hello.

I just had a baby.

And

I have to get back to the baby.

And I was like, okay.

And I just wanted to kill myself there and then.

I don't think that had anything to do with your voice, to be fair.

It's probably because she's been called out of the blue by Bobby.

That probably happens about 25 times a day.

Uncle Bobby calls.

He's like, oh, it's fucking Uncle Bobby again.

Yeah.

Doesn't really know him that well.

And then obviously, she's just had a baby.

I don't think she's going, there's an aggressive woman on the phone.

Okay, that makes me feel better.

I think she probably thought, like, oh, a relative's going to meet.

I'll answer it, but I'm really, really swamped right now.

Yeah.

Oh, he's found someone I've never met and wants me to talk to them.

I can't do this.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It was so.

So I couldn't, I just felt so embarrassed that I'd spoken to her that I couldn't look at her recipe books for like a year after.

it was horrible.

Well, anyways, she I'm now back to cooking one of her staples, sleepy pasta.

Is it called sleepy pasta in the book?

No, it's called um you call it that.

Mira Soda's this is it.

Mira Soda's vegan recipe for creamy macaroni with sweet potato and got gotcha jang.

How'd you say that?

Yeah, I'm gotcha jang.

Use it all the time.

Can't say the words.

Make it worlds.

I've actually a producer that I worked with also, I I think, calls it sleepy pasta or says it makes him go to sleep.

So you call it sleepy pasta because it makes you go to sleep.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's disrespectful to Mr.

Psychology Pizza.

Because I think, yeah, I think the reason it makes you go to sleep is because the sauce, it's such a delicious vegan macaroni.

The sauce is made of sweet potatoes and cashews.

Yeah.

And a lot of sorts.

It's like a very delicious, creamy, cheesy sauce.

And then pasta.

And I think you have a big blood sugar spice.

sauce.

Yes, I'm sure I would.

But you know what?

I'm gonna make it.

Yeah.

Definitely make it.

I'm gonna make it.

Well, I'll leave a clear sort of four or five hours afterwards.

Yeah, if you think this guy's avoiding blood sugar spikes, you've got another thing to do.

One thing I'll do.

I'm very good at managing them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very good at managing them.

Because I was going to have a vegetable side dish.

Oh, wait, no, I changed it.

So I changed it.

It sounds like you were choosing a main for your side dish.

Yeah.

Pasta.

That's why.

No, because if you order from like Caribbean takeaways, they have macaroni macaroni cheese as a side.

So I was thinking, what things do I genuinely get as side?

And I mean, you do have really amazing vegetable dishes in restaurants sometimes, but nothing's sticking out in my head.

Then I hit on one thing, right?

Something I've come back to over and over again.

Me and Alison Spittle talk about it a lot.

Anyone I know who's gone to this place talks about this a lot.

It's

Bubbala's Confi Potato Latkas.

Latkas.

What would you say that was?

Yes, Yes, latkas, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I've not been, I've not been there, and I'm very jealous to hear.

You've not been a bubbala.

No.

You just heard the word confi and latkas in the same song.

Oh my god.

Okay, potatoes.

Don't forget potatoes.

I went to heaven.

They're not traditional latkes.

They're like almost a bit like, you know how hassleback potatoes are sliced really, really thinly?

I'm going to show you a picture because you might be...

better at describing them.

Oh my god.

There's something that if you order them.

Is it like layers?

Are they thin layers?

Very, very thin layers.

So they're similar to the ones at Quality Chop House, the comfy potatoes at Quality Chop House, and they're just the best potatoes, so I want those right now.

They look absolutely incredible.

So they've sliced up a potato, stacked it up in a rectangular formation, and it looks the colour of bacon is how they've managed to cook it.

So it looks like bacon.

And it looks like it has some powdered sugar.

on top of it even uh because i don't know what that is on the top and a little splodge of like a dip a white dip.

I think it's aioli.

Aioli with some red dusting on the top of it.

Green tomb, I think it's similar.

Desiree potatoes and sorted butter, garlic cloves, thyme leaves, vegetable oil.

Yeah.

It looks good.

And I don't normally like, there's a lot of potato things I don't like because potato makes my stomach feel weird and like stretched and bad.

I don't know what it is.

Yeah, you're allergic to it, fan.

We've had this before, yeah.

Clearly, this is a pineapple situation.

I should, because I found that I'd done a DNA test there where I found out I was 98% Irish, so I should like potatoes more and not like bread, because a lot of Irish people

that proves that you don't really have an understanding of yeah, you carry on.

A lot of Irish people are saying they are

because they say the accent.

More Irish people than the I think, I don't know, a lot of my Irish pals are.

So that made me think maybe it's because they're meant to eat potatoes than what are you going to say that it's offensive to Irish people?

I'm not saying it's offensive.

I'm just saying I'm pretty sure you haven't got that right because you're 98% Irish you should like potatoes but I don't know.

Well they shouldn't they shouldn't make my tummy feel bad.

Like I hate baked potatoes so so much.

Maybe that's the two percent though.

Maybe.

Oh my god.

What's the other what's the other two percent?

It was like all the places that the Irish had landed around

around the UK.

But if a potato is very very fried and sliced thin and all that Irish.

Oh that looks so good.

I think that's such a good side choice.

Yeah that looks fantastic.

Do you have another side dish that I nearly picked?

Do you want to shout it out?

It's their halloumi with black honey.

And I normally find the combination of sweet and savoury disgusting.

Yeah, yeah.

I hate sweet and savoury food more than anything.

That's money.

Almost as much as patty, actually.

Yeah, yeah.

So what's the worst?

What's the worst for you, sweet and savoury-wise?

Okay, um...

So when I was growing up in Scotland, I thought I didn't like Chinese food because of the type of Chinese takeaways that you have.

It's like things like chicken balls and pineapple, like syrupy chicken.

Yeah, like sweet and sour chicken sort of stuff.

Anything sweet and sour, sweet chili sauce

is vile.

It's in so many things.

Like if you're trying to...

I'm so on board with this, yeah.

Oh my god,

it feels like it's in so many things.

I'm like, why do we have to have sugar pushed on us all the time?

The worst for me for like in British Chinese restaurants is the beef, the shredded beef, which is just like basically deep-fried battery beef with that like syrup on it.

Yeah,

no, I don't love it.

I'm a big dessert fan, but I like when savoury elements or salty elements get introduced to desserts.

Yeah, those are fine.

I don't like it when sweet elements get introduced to my mains, even though I'm a pudding boy, it's my favourite course.

But all the things you're talking about now, I don't like.

And when we chose sweet chili sauce as our secret ingredient once, I think, you know, a lot of people were up in arms about it.

But I was so on board for it.

But a lot of people are so used to having sugar in all their foods and it's vital.

I also hate fruit and any kind of savory.

I do like pineapple in a savoury dish to be fair.

I do at all.

My mum puts it in so much stuff and then she's always like

the pineapple dish.

It's always funny when James goes for an angle and then someone says and and also this.

He goes dunno I do like that's great.

I laugh yeah

I mean yesterday I had Mernando's wrap with the pineapple in it.

Yeah.

Just as just as recently as yesterday.

So you like pineapple and a saviory?

Yeah yeah yeah.

I like pineapple on a pizza.

I like pineapple in my Nando's wrap.

That's so disgusting.

Yeah I'm not I hate that.

No, I like it.

It just you bite into it and it just releases so much juice it just floods the rest of the food.

No no no.

Yeah.

No no only like the juiciest pineapple in the world, maybe.

But like

just a nice little bit of flavour.

Nice little bit of flavour, nice bit of something different.

So this honey, this honey on the halloumi, yeah, works because I quite sometimes there's a pizza.

There's a couple of places that do pizza with hot honey on them, like spicy chili honey, and I like that.

Okay, I like that.

I've not heard of this.

I'm trying to find it to get the description, and it's also the way that they cook the halloumi.

Because often, if you do it at home, I think there's something about the way you cook it.

Why haven't I been to this place?

Yeah, that's quite mad.

Because

I've seen it

have so many, like, you know, like normally at the end of some episodes, we might both have, like, one or, you know, like, like a, that's good.

We might have a dish that we're like, oh, I want to try that in the future.

Yeah, I think this is the most dishes that Ed has gone away from an episode wanting to try.

Never had that, can't wait.

Malatang never had that.

Can't wait.

Yeah.

I'm going to have Malatang and shout bangerang at the same time.

Yep.

These side dishes, both of them, can't wait.

Gonna go to Bubbler.

Yeah, you're gonna go and get both of these things.

God, I'm in heaven over here.

Yeah, but also hell.

Yeah, yeah.

Your dream drink.

I've already brought up

Kefir or Kombucha and I'll seem like a dry shite if I say that.

You've got to pick what you like.

Don't worry about seeming like a dry shite.

Well, no, basically, I don't like to drink very much because it's poison.

But I love...

When I drink, I will try and have the nicest red wine.

And I remember one of the first wines I drank where, when I used to drink more, where I was like, oh, you can just have dead nice wine and not not be hammered it was called it was one that they served at the stand in Edinburgh and it's called Baron de Bossac Carignan how do you say that I don't know that

carignon yeah

but they just had it on the list I think because it it sounds like bossac

it's a comely venue they know what they're doing yeah yeah so that's that's really tasty but I like a lot of red wines apart from Australia I still have Australia and South Africa don't enjoy the wines i have oh really they're meant to have good australian chiraz is one of the yeah one of the finest i think you can use incredible wines yeah when i went this year i had a lot of pinot noirs that i didn't like i tend to like malbex or but then phil wang was saying it's not about it's not always about the what is it the grain it's not necessarily it's about it's about yeah the who's growing it or where it's growing what what country yeah well what country and and the the the terroir and the way that the producer works and stuff.

So

I didn't think that I liked French wine for the longest time and then I went to Paris this time last year and they had they just everywhere we went they had really nice natural wines and I drank a lot more than I normally would and I felt sort of all right.

So a big reason I won't drink is I just I'll get like terrible hangovers from two drinks.

I'm going out tonight for dinner actually so I've been planning what wine I'm gonna have for ages.

Oh yeah?

What are you thinking for tonight?

Well it's a place where you have to get it by the bottle.

It's their Boca di Lupo.

Yeah.

And they have loads of nice Barolos, but they're like 100 quid.

Yeah, they're hefty, those things as well.

And that'll be hangovers.

I find Hangover Central with like Barolos and Barberas and things because they're so hefty.

I think I've got quite a

fancy little palette.

Yeah?

You've got a fancy little palette?

Yeah, well, because my dessert is similar.

But also it's that thing,

again, it's that thing you're saying, like, if you eat, you want it to be a nice experience and you know, it has to be it has to be good.

And I guess it's the same with booze, right?

You're not going to drink just to get pissed.

I would like never drank a shot and I couldn't tell you the last time I would drink something like that.

Because again, drinking a shot is the same as having crisps or pop-doms or croissants to me.

It's a waste of time.

I don't need to get drunk to be my true self.

Like, I'm just be yourself.

Yeah.

Because a lot of people just get drunk so they can say everyone's a dick.

I need to get better at that for not calling people a dick, but going, I'm going to have a drink if it's a really nice thing that I want rather than...

So I did something last night and then afterwards I was like, oh, I'm going to have a red wine.

It was those red wine and cans.

And I had about four of them.

I was like, well, this is disgusting.

It's going to make me feel awful tomorrow, but I'm just doing it for the sake of it.

I'm not giving the concern for you.

Like, actually concerned me.

Yeah, so

I actually had a red wine in a can over the summer because I was doing a gig in Brighton and then I was getting the train with John Cairns back after and something about John Cairns makes you want to drink on a train.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

I just was so fun way.

Oh,

so I was so happy to see him because it was the first time I'd seen him after Taskmaster, I think.

They had these cans of wine at the gig.

And normally, honestly, I'm like the most uptight person about drinking.

It's to the point that annoys a lot of people that I know.

But I was was like, I'll take a couple of cans of dirty red wine for this train.

And then we just had a gossip on the train, and it was great.

And I felt like shit the next day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just the older I get as well, I can't only drink most pub wine because there's something in it that gives you a bad tangle.

I genuinely agree with you.

I think it's just like cheap red wine.

But then I did it the other day.

I was at a pub and just like, I'm going to drink red wine.

And then you end up drinking large glasses of red wine.

Next thing you know, you've had a bottle and a half of red wine and you're drinking it at the same speed that people are drinking pints.

You're like, there's nothing in this wine.

It's just because I fucking necked a bottle of wine.

Yeah.

Awful.

Do you know my drinking's actually this is this summer's been the most I've drank in years purely because I've been writing a book and I keep thinking that I'm a French author.

That it's alcohol's marketed to us as this like sophisticated thing.

Because I have like giant wine glasses in my house.

I'm like, I'm middle class now.

I'll drink a bowl of wine while writing my book.

Then, an hour later, you're just like, I'll tell you another thing about this bastard that I kicked with.

And then you just have to go and rewrite it all the next day.

I'd like to read that book, though.

Maybe your second book is just all the outtakes of this first one.

I've been doing the edits, and I noticed she has cut the bits where I've just slagged off, comedians, when I've had a wine.

Because I always remember when we had Dara on this podcast,

he talked about wines that he describes as writing wines.

That wine, he called it.

No, that was the one he picked.

Oh, and then he did.

Then he had other ones who go, you've got writing wines, obviously, where you sit down at night to write material and you sit there with a writing wine.

I'm like, I could never manage that.

My favourite thing with Dara.

Were you that?

No, you'd gone home by this point in Montreal, or maybe you weren't there.

Oh, yeah, you had a room party.

Yeah, we had a little room party at the end.

We were watching the football.

And Dara joined us, and he'd been to Dairy Queen and got one of those pint-size blizzards from Dairy Queen.

And when he came in, we all talked, we said, oh, Dara, did they do the thing where they make the blizzard and then they turn it upside down and then they give it to you to prove that, you know, how frozen it is?

And he went, yeah, it's so disconcerting when they do it because they look you in the eye and then they go, and then he just acted it out and he tipped it upside down and a pint of ice cream just went on Nisha's hotel room carpet because he just we're like you like science did you not think it would have melted on the way up here in the lift he was just like he couldn't handle it yeah obviously we're all laughing a lot Sophie Duca was in the room and immediately um she was in charge of the tunes on the

iphone and immediately changed it to watch your flavor

it was it was the best thing just seeing but he stared right at me when he did it and i just had to watch the pipes go and just sit out in slow motion he tried to catch it with his hand within an hour people who weren't in that room were going up to him and miming miming him doing it to him everyone was doing it oh i'm sorry

word had got out that dara has gone mad yeah

We should get on to your dessert then.

Well, this was my suggestion.

Cardamom Abula.

Why are you laughing, Ben?

Cardamomabula?

Cardamom buns.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Was that a good

sort of general Scandinavian?

Nope.

I didn't know where in the world it was from.

I said it more in Italian.

I thought it was Italian.

So tasty.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I can make them, but they take a long time and it's very hard.

I was having a look at the photos, so I knew which buns you were talking about.

They're better than the cinnamon buns, I would say.

I've been in Scandinavia.

I just got back.

Oh, yeah.

I was so jealous.

And they were, these buns, which I'd never really seen much before, but they're in every single, just everywhere.

Just everywhere just in a in a news agent in a in a coffee shop obviously every hotel like just everywhere I looked they were selling these buns did you have one I never had one my tour manager was having them and enjoying them I

ate good but I didn't wasn't really I didn't I don't think they looked like anything that great visually sorry it's it just seems like if you were in Scandinavia that would be like the number one thing to do is eating princess cake what I've never heard of that and I've been to all those countries

some of them multiple times if you go to Stockholm you've got to get the princess cake it's a cream and sponge uh covered in a big layer of green marsie pan

jam in the sand sounds absolutely disgusting is it disgusting at nine in the morning

well nine in the morning is actually the time to have a cinnamon bun or a cardamom bun yeah you can get them they do have them in london but it annoys me very much like they cost here they do them in gales or they do them in that place for break but they're like three or four quid uh whereas like you said they're everywhere i go to denmark i try and go to denmark every year because i just love it so much so yeah i love them and it's a kind of bread so is it is it your partner has more he said

yeah yeah he went you don't like them and i was like no i just don't eat all of them when because whenever i make them he eats them all and i have to freeze some of the dough just so that it doesn't all get eaten but i can make i can braid them and make them look proper oh nice that why they call your fan braidy yes that was so quick oh my god

do you know

i wish i was that quick you know evelyn mock yeah she she had one of my uh cardamom bullet

she said check your non-site

she said they were tasty and uh that they

yeah she was impressed as a swedish person that's good i once made evelyn mock a completely dairy-free meal at my house when I first moved to London because she said that Dairy gave her the shits and then she just opened a pack of chocolate buttons at the end.

She went, yeah, I'll just shit myself.

All that work you'd done.

I'd made a chocolate mouse out of like avocado and sourced some vegan chocolate and stuff.

I think if someone came over to my house for dinner and I'd made them a dinner and then I watched them deliberately eat something that they knew was going to make them do a horrible shit in my house.

I'd be living.

You'd be like, it's time to go home.

What's the normal sort of countdown?

What countdown are we on now that you've eaten those chocolate buttons?

When's splashdown time?

Because you've got to go right now.

She has a problem with Derry, but then, I mean, she was eating a load of halloumi for ages, I remember.

So she just doesn't mind.

Oh, yeah.

Evelyn's done routines on stage about just how, you know, she'll know something's bad for you.

She almost deliberately gave herself gout once and didn't give a shit.

Yeah.

The other thing I was going to pick, though, was I got really into fancy chocolate.

So I got given a chocolate subscription box as a Christmas present and it was like three months where this company sends you, I think it's like four or five bars of fancy chocolate.

You know like that Pump Street chocolate

and it's like five or six quid a bar.

And then you're meant to just like delicately taste each one and it has a thing with all the tasting notes and it is dead nice.

Every single time I got it, it just we just hoofed it in like yeah all four buzz two days uh and it's powerful see when you have like what you don't realize is like fancy chocolate it is like having a load of coffees like um because something in it gives you a buzz so it's not just like if you ate a big dairy milk i was off my tits

on it

so i couldn't decide whether to pick that what some fancy dark chocolate yeah because but now i've started to it doesn't even need to be dark To be honest, I think it's fine to like have a cardamoma and then afterwards have a little bit of a little bit of chocolate.

Oh my god, this is a good thing.

I'd like you to have that for your dream meal.

Thank you.

Because once you start eating it, you can't go back.

It's like once you get into good coffee, you can't turn back.

As the saying goes.

I don't mind a shit coffee, though.

I like nice coffee.

But shit coffee's functional.

Just a big bucket of shit coffee.

No.

No.

I would have tea rather than have bad coffee.

Do you worry something?

Because I get the impression that for you, if you have like the best of something or the new, you know, you're the best you've had of something, you can't go back and put it in any category.

So do you worry sometimes when you have something and go, that's the best I've had, but now it's kind of ruined that entire food for me?

Because I can't now have a bad version of this.

It's something I think about a lot.

Because I worry about going, like, I would never cope in prison because I've got to a point with coffee where I'll spend

there's a coffee shop in Edinburgh called Fortitude that I honestly think is like the best coffee shop in the UK.

And they do an incredible strawberry-flavoured fancy coffee.

It's about 18 quid for a bag that'll give you three cups of coffee.

I can't go to prison and have Ness Cafe, which is what I imagine they have in prison.

I love that that is the reason you think you wouldn't cope in prison.

Everything else is fine.

Well, the social stuff and the I could do the less enough.

But the foods, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I'd have to get people to smuggle in coffee and single origin chocolate and their fannies.

I love the prison.

Fan's got another visitor today.

We're going to have to do a cavity search because there's probably going to be some Ethiopian beans in there.

Pull out a whole bar of chocolate.

I'm going to meet your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

Water, sparkling water, popcorns or bread, gale's potato and roastman sourdough with Quick's butter.

Whipped.

Starter, tofu, Zhangbing.

Yes.

Am I saying that right?

Main course.

Malatang, top-level spice, rice noodles, Chinese savoury donuts, veg, eggs, lotus root.

Can't remember if you like it or not.

Side dish, coffee, potato lacquers from Babula.

Bubala.

Bubala.

Drink.

Baron de Bullsack.

cabin yan, red wine from the stand, dessert, cardamomabula, and then afterwards, some fancy chocolate.

Yeah, single origin.

Yes, that's great.

That's really good.

I'll try it all.

That might be one of Ed's,

you know.

Yeah, I wasn't going to say at the time, the cardamomabula is not up my street.

I'm going to say, like,

I don't really like cinnamon buns.

I don't like bun-based things.

Sweet breads is

not my deal, really.

But everything else, i can't wait to go to bubbler yeah and the jambing i'm gonna go and get a jambing oh cool i think you'll really like bubbler yeah uh it's all veggie as well nice um but not in a in a way that uh your meeting friends wouldn't wouldn't even think of complaining they wouldn't even think of complaining and they told me that i'm not gonna go yeah

well fern this has been a pleasure Yes.

Any other comedians you want to shout out for doing a shit?

Seriously thinking about it?

All right.

Okay, well, I'll say no then.

I've already done two.

Well, you would have to give me a prompt.

Yeah, I just name a comedian.

We'll name comedians and

when you know they've done a really bad shit, you can just stop us.

I suppose it would be like if someone, if you shared a green room with someone and they did smelly, smelly shits.

I shared a taskmaster house with John and Dara and you all share a toilet.

Yeah.

And they didn't.

They didn't.

They were both clean.

That's a nice to end you wouldn't expect that you wouldn't expect that from either of them from dara and john i'd expect them both to be pretty industrial bad shits

but thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant yeah thank you fern

fern brady there

what an app

my uh my joke about that's why they call you brady probably my

a real highlighter really pleased with that yeah it's been a while since i've made a good joke like like that.

A good singer.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

your normal stock in trade is just weird shit, right?

Weird shit.

It doesn't make sense and acquired taste.

Finally, what's something that would work on paper?

When you were doing your speech at the Montreal Comedy Festival to collect your Rising Star Award, myself and Benito, very proud of you.

Yeah, thank you, guys.

We're sat in front of a load of American and Canadian comedians who obviously didn't know who you were.

Yes.

You were making your speech, which was in your usual style.

Yes.

And the comedians behind us were really laughing, but then one of them just kept going, he's so weird.

So weird.

And they weren't wrong.

Yeah, you were pretty weird, man.

It was a weird speech, and I regret none of it.

I said that I was a rising star, and that

Ed and Nish Kumar were also stars, and that together we were Orion's belt, holding up the trousers of the industry and burning forever in heaven.

I regret none of it.

Neither should you.

And who else shouldn't regret anything?

It's Fern Brady.

That was a delicious menu.

Sure, she's very happy with it.

She made you green with envy.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm going to Bubala.

Yeah, you're going to go there.

You're going to get those potatoes, which looked astoundingly good.

And the halloumi, don't mind telling you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Even the honourable muncheons you're going to be going out and rounding up and eating.

Oh, my God.

And also, Fern didn't say the secret ingredients.

She didn't say...

And what I would really love as a side dish is a little polyfin bag full of chopped up onion that you get through with an Indian takeaway.

Yeah, madness that she didn't say that.

I really thought we had a.

Yeah.

Do go go and get Fern's book, Strong Female Character.

Yes.

It's out on the 14th of February.

Buy it for a loved one.

Oh, Valentine's Day.

Why not have a little kissy over Fern Brady's bookie?

Oh, yeah, that's a good slogan.

They told us to say that, by the way.

It's not riffed that.

That's written down on the book.

I would never riff something as poor as that.

That's written down on the brief.

Says, why not have a kissy over Fern Brady's bookie?

That's what we had to say.

Yeah.

So I hope you're happy.

Good to to help all the PR people out there.

Listen, Ed, I've really enjoyed spending today with you.

Yes.

It's been fun.

It's been fun, hasn't it?

I don't think I've got anything to plug.

No, no, I've got nothing to plug, really.

Oh.

Bye then.

Benito looked like he was going to say something, so we both stopped.

Yeah.

But he wasn't going to say anything.

He just, his face looked like

he was going to say.

Donito's done with us today.

He's Donito.

Yeah.

Mate, what's happened to you?

Yeah, that's another.

It's another great joke.

That's as good as

that's why they call you Fern Brady the Great Donito the Great Donito.

What a shame we only record these once every six months.

Yeah

Never forget me listener.

Bye another second

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