Ep 177: Kathy Burke

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking one layer of humor sponge, spreading on the buttercream of friendship, the jam of great chat, and then putting another big bit of internet sponge on top of it.

And that's the podcast, James.

It's a cake.

Is my name Victoria?

No, James Acaster.

And that's Ed Gamble.

And this is the Off-Menu podcast.

We invite a guest into our dream restaurant and we ask them their favour ever.

Start a main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Kathy Burke.

Oh, here we are.

Back in a little town we like to call National Treasure.

Get your shovels, because we're digging for treasure.

We're digging for treasure.

Nationally.

What a treat, James, this is to have Kathy Burke on the podcast.

Every time I've been asked who's the dream guest to have on the podcast, Kathy Burke always gets mentioned by me.

I would say this is the longest we have tried to get a guest because before we even did our first episode, the people we asked straight away were Scroobious Pip, Kathy Burke, and Richard Osman and Grace Dent.

So those four straight away were the first four emails we sent out.

And Kathy was like, I'll try to make it work if I can.

And we've been trying to make it work for years.

Yes.

And we finally, finally.

Finally did it.

Did it.

So now, when people ask me for dream guests,

I can't say Kathy Burke and The Rock anymore.

I just have to say The Rock.

Now it's just The Rock.

Yeah.

So make it happen, people.

Maybe Kathy knows The Rock.

Kathy might know The Rock.

The Burke might know The Rock.

The Burke might know the Rock.

So excited to have Kathy in, obviously.

What a history of work.

We've grown up fans.

We've both met her a couple of times and have been

you've not?

Never met her.

Oh my god.

I can't believe I'm about to be here the first time Ed Gamble meets Kathy Burke.

Yeah.

This is going to be great.

I'm also aware that Kathy refers to our podcast as the Where's Me Dinner podcast.

So I'm sure we'll get into that.

Yes.

I've affirmed Kathy Burke's new podcast as Where There's a Will, There's a Wake.

Well, that's the title of it.

Yes, it's Agual Name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, not Where's Me Funeral.

Yeah, Oh, I'm Dead podcast.

Yes, if you could plan your perfect death, what would you do?

That's the tagline.

Yeah.

Oh, that's good.

You've recorded an episode, haven't you, James?

I have.

I went on and talked to Kathy about my perfect death, perfect funeral, perfect afterlife.

And it was an early morning record.

It really...

Really bummed me out for the rest of the day, if I might say.

Yeah, yeah, but it's a very interesting talking point.

I'm assuming, I mean, I've not heard it yet, but I'm assuming myself and the great Benito will be carrying the coffin.

Yeah, well,

maybe you.

You're a strong boy.

Yeah, but Benito can get involved he can do a eulogy but not with his little twin arms

hold the coffin up yeah but I think the idea with pallbearers is that you have many right so it's sort of distributed and you're not a heavy guy James even so

even so I think I would have to he could be there for show but I don't think he's gonna be doing any work.

I imagine everyone wearing the traditional funeral garb apart from Benito's wearing his Alton Towers jumper.

Yeah, yeah, he wears Alton Towers jumper.

He would have

He won't care.

He'll be looking for a replacement going around.

I think he will care.

That'll be a lot of admin to have to deal with.

It would mainly be for you networking at the wake, just trying to see who likes food.

Well, you know, I noticed you bear a few chips to the buffet there.

I don't suppose.

Don't give away what's on the buffet.

We need to go and listen to Kathy's new podcast.

We all have to.

There's loads of food chat on that, though.

Yeah.

I do talk about a lot of food.

But anyway, it's not about me.

It's about Kathy Burke.

Oh, so excited.

But of course, and we're really hoping this doesn't happen today, James.

I can imagine.

That if Kathy picks an ingredient, which we have pre-decided upon, that is our secret ingredient, something we hate, we will ask her to leave the dream restaurant and go straight to her dream funeral.

And this week, the secret ingredient is

crab sticks.

Crab sticks or crab flavoured sticks or fish sticks.

Thank you, Bede.

Thank you, Jenny Bede.

Wonderful comedian, Jenny Bede, suggested this to me on WhatsApp.

Now, I'm fully behind it.

I have to say, though, we've had tinned crab in the past.

Now we've got crab sticks.

Crab is it's good.

It's sounding like we don't like crab.

Now I love crab.

Of course we like crab.

I actually don't mind crab sticks sometimes.

Okay.

My wife loves crab sticks.

Did she know?

I didn't know that.

They're regularly in our fridge.

She'll absolutely, you know, in the packet, they come through, they come in those little separate plastic sleeves.

Like little cheese strings.

Yeah, find those around the house quite regularly.

Disgusting.

Yeah, find those next to the bath and stuff.

Oh, god, gross.

absolutely gross it always surprises me how gross head's wife is

because every time i see her she's just lovely yeah doesn't doesn't you know i would never guess all this stuff yeah yeah yeah yeah these little crabby packets around the house eating crab everywhere find crab stick packets in the bathroom bin gordon bennett

but look we're a big crab fan it on my tour that i just went on my tour manager just was like every time he looked at a menu was like i know what you're having you're having the one with the crab on it the crab i've never noticed that about myself so now i feel bad selling out the crab here but i actually don't think there's any crab in them no there you go which is why you have to call them crab flavoured sticks

that's a bit from iron alan partridge when he's he's he does a fact about crab sticks oh does he and you have to call them crab flavoured sticks yeah

maybe we should save the secret ingredient for when we have steve coogan on the podcast now we've got we've got loads of other things we can use for steve coogan oh yeah it's loads smell my cheese yeah spinal column in a bap yeah anyway It's not about Steve Coogan.

It's about Kathy Burke.

It's about Kathy Burke.

Yes.

This is the off-menu menu of Kathy Burke.

Welcome Kathy to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you very much.

Welcome Kathy Burke to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Yes.

Here we are.

We actually have.

We actually have.

Well, I did listen to lovely Richard E.

Grant on your show quite recently, and I heard you say you wanted either me or The Rock.

Yeah, so

I couldn't actually get in touch with The Rock himself.

Got in your back.

But I did bring The Rock

to

just be part of it, yeah.

Yes.

For the listener, Kathy has brought an action figure of The Rock.

That is good.

He's got a little black waistcoat on and no top.

Yeah, that's amazing.

Absolutely ripped, as you'd imagine.

And he moves.

Look at that.

And I wonder if...

Can he sit down?

Oh, let's sit him down.

Let's sit him down, yeah.

Let's get him down.

Let's get him comfortable.

What film's that?

What film's the one where wears a little black waistcoat?

Was that

wrestling at?

Wrestling, it did have WWE

on the WWE.

That's yours.

You can keep that.

Oh, yeah.

I should have got two.

You'd have one each, but.

We can have it in the studio.

Yeah, I'll be a little bit more.

I feel James would somehow get more pleasure out of of it than you, Ed.

That's probably true.

Is this something you bought specifically for this purpose or did you have one kicking around?

No, I ordered it on a well-known delivery service and there was a right palava.

Was there?

Well, it didn't get delivered.

It said we couldn't deliver.

And I thought it was a goner.

And I ordered it about three weeks ago.

And then the other day a neighbour from down the road said, oh, I've had this package for a few days.

And it was the rock.

I was like, oh, wonderful.

Did you tell your neighbour what the package was?

No, I'm never that familiar with neighbours.

Thank you very much.

You start all that cable,

they'll never leave.

Yeah,

my neighbours are the same.

They're simply addresses to have parcels delivered to and pick up at a later date.

Exactly.

I try and have chats of mine.

Do you?

Yeah, well, we're right next to each other,

right in a little corner.

I mean, I have to say, my neighbours are lovely.

Yeah.

It's very, very nice.

But I've always sort of kept myself to myself.

Yeah.

You know.

What I'm imagining, just for my own amusement, is that Kathy's neighbour is the rock.

Yes.

So that's why you didn't tell him what was in the package.

I feel like if Kathy's neighbour was the rock, you might have been able to get something from him to bring in rather than order it.

Maybe.

I don't know, man.

Maybe noise.

He might not have liked some noise in the past and didn't want to do me any favours.

I'm on a street What's up group?

Oh no.

Oh no.

See, I've really resisted for a long time.

Yeah.

But it is brilliant.

Is it?

Yeah, because there's one guy down the road who always

looks out the blinds just at the right time as something's happening.

And you're like, you're looking at those blinds all day.

And the other day he saw a workman who was working in one of the other houses come out of the house and do a shit next to one of the cars.

What?

What?

That's outrageous.

And listen to this.

This guy went outside.

and took a picture of the shit and put it on the WhatsApp graph.

Oh, gee,

well, excuse me, I just burped.

I tell you probably why you had to have a a shit outside because a lot of people don't let builders or workmen use the conveniences in their home, which I think is outrageous.

It is completely outrageous.

And completely unhumane, inhumane.

And going to the bathroom is very, very important.

Yeah.

So it might smell for a bit.

Yeah.

And just tell them, say, look, clean it after.

I don't want to be sorting out anybody's skid marks.

So just make sure you clean it.

It's all you got to say.

It's all I say.

Yeah, yeah, it's all you'd say.

I mean, the story went went on and on, like there was more details coming through.

I don't think he was very well.

He was only 16 or 17, and then he had to come back and clean it up because his boss told him to clean it up.

And then he was crying while he was cleaning up the poo.

Oh, this is so sad.

But from my perspective, reading all that on a WhatsApp group, I had the best morning of my life.

Of course.

Of course.

Because, like, you know, it is funny when people cry.

Yeah.

It is quite funny.

Especially when they're clearing up their own shit.

Yeah, yeah.

That is funny.

Sorry, awful.

I thought it was awesome.

Where's my dinner?

That's what you call our podcast, isn't it?

That's what I call your podcast, Ed.

Where's Me Dinner?

Because I can't remember off menu.

It's so weird.

It's so easy.

And of course, it makes sense.

But I just, so I said to Roshi and Connerty, I said, oh, I'm doing Where's Me Dinner?

And she said, she went, what's Where's Me Dinner?

And I went, you've done it, you know, Where's Me Dinner?

Well, you talk about your dinner with Ed and James.

She went, it's called Off Menu.

I was quite impressed that Roshe knew.

Yeah, actually.

That was loud for her.

Yeah, we must have really made an impact.

I think Rosie remembered what we were called.

And of course, you've got your own podcast now.

Yes, thank you.

Where there's a will, there's a wake.

That's it.

A little bit of promotion.

So I don't know when this is being aired, but I suppose we would have dropped by the time this is aired.

It's dropped.

I'm learning all this new fangled communication that the kids use.

So yeah, it's called Where There's a Will, There's A Wake, and it's about your fantasy funeral.

And James has done it.

Yeah.

James came on them and was a lovely guest, I'm sure.

He is a lovely guest, isn't it?

We might be pushing for Ed to come on it at some point.

No pushing needed.

I'll be there in a shot, Kathy.

Ed will never die.

Ed will never die.

Is that something you think?

Yeah.

I think you're one of the people, one of those kind of people who will never die.

Right.

I don't know what sort of people are.

Yeah, there's a few people who are immortal people who just never die.

And I think that's you.

You'll always look like this forever.

You're always going to be alive.

Well, Well, then I've got plenty of time to plan what my dream funeral is.

And it's quite nice because it's sort of a bit dark, but it's good fun.

And it's good to laugh in the face of death.

It is.

Because I think we're all quite frightened of it, but it's something we've got no control over.

So where there's a whirl, there's a wake allows you a little bit of control in a sort of fancy aspect.

It's also, it is really important to talk about because it is, no matter what James thinks, it is going to happen to everyone.

Yes.

And

you've got to get what you want out there I mean there is a situation maybe where someone who's been on your podcast doesn't leave a will or doesn't actually tell their family what they want from the funeral so their family have to listen to your podcast and then and then do what they said on that that's exactly what Jennifer Saunders said

at the end of it Jennifer said I'll just send this to aide and then

I haven't got to bother with any legal shit just send it to him well everyone can listen to that now yes go and not

right now

and then go and listen to all of Whether's a World As Awake.

Thank you very much.

Are you a big food fan, Kathy?

Well, yeah.

Yeah.

I love food.

Who doesn't like food?

Some people.

Some weirdos.

Well, I suppose I am a bit finickety because I don't eat meat.

So I haven't eaten meat for...

God, it's nearly 40 years now, which is really impressive.

But I do occasionally have fish because every now and again I need, you know, you just sort of feel your body needs a bit of extra protein and it's very good for the skin.

So I'm a pescatarian and I've been a pescatarian for 40 years.

I wouldn't say that's finickety though.

I wouldn't talk to a pescatarian to go older.

No, no, we've had each other.

All right.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of finicketiness coming around the bend.

There is, there is.

There's a lot of things I can't eat because of medical conditions.

And there's a lot of things I won't eat because of good taste.

Could you do your own show called Can't Eat, Won't Eat?

Oh, that's always good.

Yeah, yeah.

It's just a sort of generation game style conveyor belt of things and you just say...

I just flick off what I don't want.

Like tiddlywinks, you know, tiddly stinks.

No, no, aubergine, butt off.

Yeah, like aubergine.

Don't like aubergine.

No.

I think the reason I don't like aubergine is because when I started being a vegetarian and I didn't eat fish up for the first 10 years of being veggie, but I was a veggie in the 80s, There was nothing.

There was baked beans, jacket potatoes, cauliflower cheese, and mousaka.

And that was it.

Guess that one cut Cappy doesn't like it.

Yeah, the absolute venom that you said Moussaka.

Moussaka, I fucking hate Moussaka.

Sounded like Scar from the Line King talking about Mufasa.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

But I'm up with disdain.

Yeah, if that film was remade and instead of Mufasa hanging over the edge of the cliff, it was a Moussaka, you'd absolutely dig your claws in, wouldn't it?

So, yeah, so I don't like Moussaka.

The other thing I don't like is Risotto.

Because that would be fobbed off on you a lot as a vegetarian in the Vegas.

Gee whiz.

In fact, I once did a...

A few years ago,

fuck knows how long ago it was, but Gordon Ramsey had a show on the telly I think it was called the F-word

and he'd invite people to a restaurant and all that and he'd cook for you anyway so I was looking forward he knew I was a vegetarian anyway he comes over and he's like really nice to meet you I went nice to meet you and he went really happy you're here he said but you're a vegetarian which is a bit of a bane of my life and I went okay and he said but I'm going to do you a lovely risotto and I went no you're not

and he was like what and I said I don't like risotto I'm not I'm not having it And he said, but I'll do a really nice risotto.

Kitty's called him Bloody Ramsey.

And I went, I don't care.

I don't want it.

I ain't come all this way to have a risotto.

So he had to go back into the kitchen.

Yeah, Moussaka.

Can you imagine if he's dead Moussaka?

But anyway, he came back and what he did, he did a nice pasta, like a tanglatelli

with mushrooms.

And I have to say, it was amazing.

Right.

It was incredibly delicious.

So.

As if it wasn't.

I remember Vic Reeves going on, maybe it was that show.

Yeah.

It was Hell's Kitchen.

I know exactly what you're going to say.

Ordering the fried egg.

Yeah.

It was when everyone, they all, I think it was when there was a celebrity one, they all had to cook in the kitchen.

It was always a stressful service.

Yes.

And Vic Reeves, I don't know if he'd had a drink or he's just being weird,

just toddled up to the pass where all the chefs were working and asked for two fried eggs on a china plate.

Yeah.

Fantastic.

Gordon Ramsey cracked two eggs over his head.

Father, I remember.

Oh, did he?

Yeah, yeah.

Father, I remember that's what happened.

He was furious.

I remember that, Sue.

Was that the one when Edwina Curry was on it?

Maybe, yeah.

Oh, that's a Hell's Kitchen.

Yeah, Hell's Kitchen.

Oh, that was hilarious.

Yeah.

Didn't he sandwich her head between two slices of bread?

Well, maybe it wasn't her she did that way, but

the idiot sandwich or the stupid sandwich.

But that was someone.

I remember him saying to Edwina Curry, you fucked our Prime Minister and now you're trying to fuck me up the ass.

Absolutely brilliant.

That was so good.

We always start with still a sparkling water, Kathy.

Still.

Yeah.

Question two.

I would have been very surprised if you said sparkling.

Well, I'll have a sparkling now and again, but I drink a lot of water.

I really do drink a lot of water.

And I do drink bottled water, which is sort of out of order.

Or I can drink filtered water.

I don't like water straight out the tap because I've got a funny tummy.

So I think psychologically, if it's straight out of the tap, I think I'm going to get the shits.

And it's not always the case.

But I drink a lot of water.

I love water.

Oh, yeah?

I don't understand it when people say, oh, I need a little bit of juice in there.

Or I just don't get it.

Yeah,

people think water's boring and I don't understand it.

No.

It's the best.

It is.

It's great.

Unless it comes from the tap because it gives you the shits.

Yeah, I can't have it from the tap.

Have you ever had it from the tap and it's giving you the shits?

Yes.

Oh, okay.

Yes, I've got a very I know I don't look it, but I'm very delicate.

Yeah.

Claudia Wincomman came on the podcast says she never drinks water.

Really?

Yeah, she thinks it's disgusting and she thinks that when you drink it it swolls your tongue up and makes your tongue all big and wet.

That surprises me because she's got such lovely skin.

Yeah.

She's got very glossy hair.

She's eating a lot of fish.

Ah,

yeah, yeah, it must be the fish.

Yeah, yeah.

But that surprises me about the old water.

But yes, anyway, I would like some still water, please.

Filtered?

Bottled?

Filtered.

Or bottled.

Do you have a bottle of choice at home?

Do you have some?

Not really.

It's whatever's cheapest on what's on offer on the old

delivery.

Would you want anything in the water?

Do you want any lemon ice?

No.

Okay, you looked disgusted when I said that.

No.

No.

Remember a friend of mine got really into making cucumber water?

Yeah.

You know,

Jesus.

Yeah.

Load of shit.

to the name and shame this person no no

it was top film director Joe Wright and he got into making this cucumber water for a bit I was like no you're all right I'd have preferred tap Would it have been like long cut cucumbers like the the long yeah I don't know they were just all in a sort of object you know like with a vat yeah with a fancy tap on it yeah I know that exactly what you mean you pass a lot of places you see it in cafes here

Sometimes they like, so I've just been on tour, so I'm in a lot of hotels.

And you stay in a slightly nicer hotel.

That's what they have at breakfast instead of just like normal water.

They've got like mint and strawberry and cucumber.

I think they call it spa water.

Oh.

All in a big vat.

And it's like, I just want a glass of water because quite often I just want the water to cool my coffee down, but you can't have a strawberry, cucumber, mint coffee.

No.

Maybe that you just.

And all of a sudden wouldn't there be bits?

Yeah.

You know, bits get on my nerves when there's bits in things.

Yes.

It's like, I can't be having that.

So you're a smooth orange juice person as well.

I am a smooth orange juice.

Yeah, yeah.

Orange juice with bits.

Disgusting.

It's like, I've said it before, I'll say it again.

It's like someone's emptied a pencil sharpener into my orange juice.

I hate it.

Absolutely hate it.

That's a brilliant way of describing it.

But it is bits of orange, though, so it's like someone's used a pencil sharpener to sharpen an orange and then emptied it in.

Yeah, even worse.

Disgusting.

Do you like yogurts with bits in it?

When the yogurt's got like bits of strawberry and bits of raspberry in there.

Well, sometimes.

I do prefer a plain yoghurt.

But sometimes...

See, I'm mad about blueberries.

Oh, yeah.

So if there's a blueberry, we're going on to blueberries later.

But if there's a blueberry knocking about in some yogurt, then I'll have that quite happily.

I had blueberries this morning in my porridge.

Very good.

Thank you.

It's pretty impressive, isn't it?

Poppadums or bread.

Popadoms or bread, Caffyberg.

Bread.

Pop-adoms or bread.

Bread.

Of course.

Bread.

See, that's how I feel.

But, you know, we do get quite a lot of people saying poppadums.

Yeah.

I'm always bread as well.

I'm very relieved that quite a few people say poppadums because it was my idea to say that stupid question.

Popadoms are great if you're having a nice bit of curry or something.

But just, you know, you can't toast a poppadom.

And I love toast.

Yeah.

And I like brown bread.

No seeds.

Fucking.

This is getting on me nerves.

This seed shit.

Everything.

It's on everything.

Yeah.

Honestly, I did a tweet a couple of years ago.

Would you stop?

Because I'm not a fucking parrot.

What is this?

What is this?

And I've got a lovely shop down the end of my road, quite a posh French shop, and they do lovely baguettes and sourdough.

And I've got myself a nice sourdough baguette from there the other day, got it home.

Fucking seeds in it.

Inside.

Inside.

They've never done that before.

Yeah.

And the seed thing because i used to eat a lot of seeds because they're very healthy so i used to scatter them on my salads and then i didn't realize i had this tummy condition called diverticulitis oh and the worst thing you can eat are seeds really yeah yeah because when you've got diverticulitis it means you've got these little sort of pockets around your intestine So if you eat things like seeds, they can get stuck in the pockets and they can get infected and can make you terribly ill.

So in the show where you flick food off that you don't like, this is a medical one rather than a taste one.

This is a medical one.

Yes.

Because I used to love

there's a shop.

Are we allowed to mention shops?

So M ⁇ S used to do a great brown batch loaf that was covered in seeds.

And I used to love it.

It was delicious, particularly toasted because then some of the seeds would be quite,

what would you say, cracky?

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

But obviously that was killing me, you know.

So, yeah, no seeds, thanks.

Is there anything else that gets trapped in the tummy pockets apart from seeds?

Is there anything else, I imagine?

All the bits.

Well, all the bits, I suppose.

Although I wasn't really told that by the doctors, it was just by my consultants, I should say.

It was just mostly seeds.

And I had been going big time on the seeds before

I could.

Well, you were a parrot, yeah.

I was happily a parrot,

but not

any longer.

And in the last sort of 10 years, it's gone seed nuts.

Yeah.

You know, because

everyone's gone fucking healthy.

But I think it's just

a cheap way of filling up a salad bowl.

Yeah.

Oh, we'll throw some seeds on there because they're about a penny and we could charge £10.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a scam.

Yeah.

So what type of bread are we talking then for this?

Well, I love a homemeal and I love Crank's homemill.

It's quite dense, but I love it.

Oh, it's the best toast.

It's wonderful.

Not heard of Cranks?

No, I'm not sure I have either.

Cranks?

Yeah.

So Cranks was, it was sort of one of the first sort of veggie restaurants.

It used to be around the back of Soho somewhere in Soro.

So yes, when I first became veggie 40 years ago, I would have to go to Cranks.

I'd have to go all the way into town if I wanted to get a few bits, you know what I mean?

Stock up on some things and then yeah they do a great homemill loaf I think some shops like normal shops will do a cranks loaf but again I went into a shop that I knew did cranks and I went in and it was a seeded cranks loaf

these seeds are just following you around aren't they they're just everywhere and you were when you were walking to the shop you were thinking I can't wait to have my cranks loaf me cranks toast when I get home nice bit of toast toast and uh yeah so that didn't happen so I don't mind just sort of common sliced shop bought hovis or wooltons

but always brown I just I just prefer wholemeal well I think for your dream menu we can get you some cranks yeah yeah

no no butter I used olive spread delicious which I much prefer actually I find butter a bit much yeah I do yeah a bit much every now and again it's nice but it's quite,

yeah, it's just like eating soft cheese, innit?

Yeah, yeah,

I'm well aboard for that.

That's always fantastic, yeah.

You'll go home and eat a whole

block of butter now.

My wife

went on holiday to Paris with some friends recently, came back, just brought me some butter in her bag.

It's the butter with chunks of salt in it.

Yes, that is great butter.

I go to France a lot.

Yeah.

And I mean, they're dirty bastards because

they'll put meat in everything.

Like, you order some some peas

and it's been cooked in fucking duckneck or something.

Some peas.

They just love it.

Although I have to say again, just on the flip side,

but my friend Sean, who lives in France, who I go to visit, him and his husband, Peter, we'll be on to Peter later.

And he's vegan, Sean.

And actually living in France, and they're getting great at it now.

And there's...

Lots of vegan choices to be had.

But that butter with the salt is extraordinary so good but but do you not count that as bits that's bits in it it's bits

with bits of salt in it yeah but it's sort of different isn't it salt i mean it's naughty and it melts a little bit as well right so you're not they're not crunchy bits well they are a little bit but you know

and especially if you use it on toast because then it does melt yeah yeah and then your salty bread is even saltier with the salty toast is this what you want on your dream meal then the the brown toast with just olive spread or anything else else on on that?

Yeah, just some olive spread.

Yeah, every now and again I like a bit of seedless jam.

Yes, of course.

And you can get seedless raspberry jam.

And I love a cherry jam.

Love cherries.

Do you like marmalade?

Ooh?

Marmalade?

No.

No.

Don't like marmalade.

James is annoyed there because he was going to ask his traditional question.

Which is...

Are you a shredhead or a shredless wonder?

Because you talk about bits and there's marmalade that has the shreds in it and marmalade that has no shreds in it.

Oh, no, I find it a bit bitter.

Just a bit, it's a bit strong for me.

I had a very nice lime and rum marmalade the other day.

Oh lime and rum.

Yeah, maybe you would enjoy that.

It was good.

Shreds?

Shreds in it, but I didn't mind.

Hmm, that's interesting.

That's the sort of thing you get for Christmas, isn't it?

Yeah, and then put it at the back of the cupboard for a year.

That's it.

Yes, that's what happened.

And now it's November and I just opened it for the first time.

And did it have a moldy top?

No, it didn't.

It was very happy.

Oh that's good.

Who was it?

Was it Theresa May that said you just got to scrape off the mould

off the top?

Says a lot doesn't it?

Yeah it does it.

Was that about gentlemen or about like the economy?

Yeah.

One more question before we move on to the starter.

How did your goddamn wife get butter from France to your house without melting it and going all bad?

Well it's not, you know, it's not particularly hot time of year and you know it's quite a quick trip now I think.

Hop on the Euro situation.

And she brought back, I'm not joking,

about 12 salamis as well.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because she eats very oddly when I'm away as well.

She'll just live like a squirrel or a rat or something.

Oh, really?

And just sort of scuttle to the kitchen and eat slices of sausage all night.

So she just grazes.

She grazes all day, and then I come back with my square meals.

Yes.

And she's gutted.

I think she loves grazing like a little rat.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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A brand new phone with Verizon.

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at homes.com.

We do whatever it takes to get you the in-depth info on local schools you won't find anywhere else.

Things like student-teacher ratio, test scores, and school programs.

And sometimes that requires attending school recitals.

So

many

recitals.

That's my son.

Isn't he terrific?

Yeah, a real prodigy.

Homes.com.

We've done your homework.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

So we'll get onto your meal proper now.

Your dream starter.

starter.

Right.

So my dream starter is a small portion, obviously, because it's a starter of spaghetti pesto.

That's very nice.

You look quite pleased with yourself.

Well, yes, because I sort of wanted spaghetti pesto as my main.

And then I thought, oh, that's a bit...

And then I thought, oh, no, well, the Italians, they like to have a little bowl of pasta as their starter sometimes.

You've hacked it.

You've hacked the system because now you get to have that as your starter.

I mean, the Italians sometimes will do starter pasta course main.

Oh, that's good.

And then dessert.

So if there's anything else you're thinking of for your starter that you want to then throw before the pasta course, you can use the pasta course loophole.

We have allowed people to use that loophole before.

Oh, really?

Oh, great.

All right, then.

Great.

Okay.

Well, for my starter, before my pasta course,

I once, you know, there's a very posh restaurant called the Ivy.

Yeah.

And many, many years ago, before I knew I couldn't eat seeds, I went to the Ivy and they did a tomato tart that was so delicious, I dreamt about it that night.

And

I sort of went back to the restaurant like a week later just to have this starter again

because it was beautiful.

It was like that lovely flaky pastry, but it was roasted tomatoes and like a Balzamic dressing.

Oh, it was delicious.

That sounds delicious.

I love that when roasted tomatoes and they go all sweet and a little bit, just a bit chewy as well, maybe.

Just really delicious.

That's so good.

That's absolutely gorgeous.

What happened in the dream with the tomatoes?

I was just eating a tomato tomato.

That's so funny.

So exactly the same as what happened in the day.

Exactly the same.

Different outfit on?

Or does it wear the same clothes?

But the same taste, you know?

It was like eating it again.

I do that as well.

I really worry when I just have dreams that are so literal to what's just happened because everyone else is like really weird dreams trying to interpret them, you know, processing what's happened in the day.

I'm like, yeah, I'm eating exactly the same food in the dream as I was eating just before I went to sleep.

Just having me dinner all over again.

So that would be my starter.

And then my little pasta course

would be my spaghetti pesto, homemade pesto.

So you make your own pesto?

Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Because, you know, sometimes it just doesn't live up to it when I eat out.

I can always tell as well when they've they've used a jarred pesto yeah and you can tell and that's very very very disappointing what's going in your pesto in your homemade pesto uh your basil yeah your pine nuts garlic olive oil parmesan lovely a little bit of salt and pepper sometimes just to be controversial I'll chuck a few spinach leaves in there because it just gives a nice deeper green And it's the simplest thing to make.

I mean, the jarred stuff, it costs a fortune compared.

You know, basil's quite an expensive, they're all quite expensive ingredients.

But if you make enough, you can freeze it, put it in little tuppers and freeze them.

How often are you having pesto?

Quite a lot.

I'd say I'd probably have pesto

maybe once a week.

So it does get used.

I think that's a good amount.

It's clearly something you enjoy, but it's not turned into a problem.

It's not a problem.

I tell you when it was a problem.

Remember that lovely programme, the trip that steve coogan and rob bryden briden did

um

together but when they did the trip italy oh it was a nightmare because they're eating this i mean divine food so i would have to pause it go downstairs make myself some spaghetti pesto come back upstairs and eat a little bowl of spaghetti pesto while i was watching it and they have multiple meals per episode in that so were you making multiple bowls of tiny tiny spaghetti pesto every time they ate anything no just just just a bowl an episode but i would it just became a little habit and i was like oh you know i've given it 10 minutes i've tried i've got to go make some spaghetti pesto i find so so i love i love pesto of course i do but i'll be very hesitant to have a meal that's like pesto heavy because for me I'm tasting that pesto for the rest of the day.

Oh, really?

Oh, the taste of pesto in my mouth.

I'm doing pesto burps.

I mean, they're the most distinctive burps.

I can burp five hours later and it will taste a pesto.

Really?

But that's a delight for you, I guess.

If you like pesto.

I wouldn't mind that.

Yeah.

I wouldn't mind that.

No, I wonder what it is.

It might be the garlic in it that's repeating.

Yeah.

Something on me, but like every time it's like, because I'm a big pudding boy, I loved having desserts.

Yeah.

So I'm like, if I have this pesto, I don't know how long it's going to be until I can have a pudding and it won't taste a pesto.

You know?

that's my that's my dilemma but it shouldn't I get the pesto burp thing but it shouldn't flavor the next bit of food that you have oh I can feel it in there you can feel it still in my mouth the pesto yeah the ghost of the pesto is still in there maybe it's too basil heavy or something yeah basil I think the basil is a big part of it yeah I mean I've been known to eat pesto from the jar like a yoghurt yes oh really you just stand at the fridge and eat pesto with a teaspoon wow get it down me well it is it is it doesn't need cooking no it only needs warming through So.

That happens in my tongue.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The oven, I call it.

What do you think of red pesto?

Oh, big question.

Well, that's a tomato pesto.

Yeah, I mean, I would do, not peppers, I can't have peppers, they give me indigestion.

But yes, I suppose if sun-dried tomato pesto, as long as the little seeds have been removed,

I would happily make that.

That's a lot of effort, though, to remove the seeds from a sun-dried tomato because it doesn't want to give them up, does it?

No, no, no.

You just get a teaspoon and you just scrape them out.

Here's something I'm going to offer you.

You've got your tomato tart, which is sun-dried tomatoes in it.

Yeah.

Followed by the pesto pasta.

Yeah.

In between the two as a bridge, do you want a little teaspoon of red pesto?

As a bridge?

A literal bridge.

A literal bridge from the sun-dried tomato into the pasta.

Oh, you know what would be quite good, actually, is one of those little,

what do they call it, a little sorbet thing?

Yeah.

A little tomato sorbet would be quite a good bridge.

Because I don't mind those little pallet cleansers.

I fucking ate a moose bouche.

What the boy is that?

Yeah, well, I tried to do it on this podcast for a bit.

I tried to give people a moose bouches at the beginning.

No, they're just like little glasses of sick.

Very chefy, isn't it?

Oh, it really is.

It's like, look, stop titting about.

Just make me my dinner.

I don't need these little glasses of puke.

So it's supposed to get your mouth ready, right?

That's the whole point.

But when I turn up to dinner, my mouth's ready.

Yeah, my mouth's always ready for dinner.

Where's my dinner?

That's in the trip when they do the, they say it's Ray Winston's Phlegm.

Please.

I hate that word.

Your dream main course,

you've already found a lovely hack with the pasta course.

You is gonna be off to a very satisfying start here.

Yes, yes, with your start around your pasta course, yes,

so my main.

So, I do, I do occasionally have some fish.

I will have

very simple pan-fried sea bass.

I pan-fry it skinned down in a little bit of chili oil.

Oh, nice.

So, you that when you like that crispy skin, it's a little bit chili-fried.

And I have that with Calf's Continental Potatoes.

and

what they are is one day I had a couple of Charlotte potatoes left in the fridge a red onion and a couple of tomatoes and I thought what am I going to do with this so I topped them all up deseeded the tomatoes mixed them up in some lovely garlic oil put them in the oven amazing amazing

so That's now a regular at mine, Calf's Continental Potatoes, which is just basically spud, onion, tomato.

I like that you're not committing to a particular country of where it's from.

It's just continental.

I mean, I called them continental.

I really don't know why.

I think just to make them sound a bit special,

they're just potato, onion and toms.

What's the ratios?

What do you mean?

Between the potatoes, the onions and the toms.

Are you just like a third each?

Or is there mainly potatoes?

Mainly potatoes.

And the Charlotte ones are the best.

And you cut them in nice slices.

You get them going first

and then you slice up your tomatoes and your onions.

And after the potatoes have had a nice 20 minutes, first little twisty spinny,

then bung in the tomatoes and onions.

It's great and you could just forget about them for about another half hour.

It's lovely.

So I have those with some pan-fried sea bass.

But they're not my side.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

They go with the sea bass.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense.

But your garlic oil there,

in with the continental potato cat.

And are you putting salt and pepper in there?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

And if I haven't got any garlic oil, I'll put in a couple of clothes of garlic.

That makes it continental.

Yeah, even more continental.

And like...

I love like, you know, chunks of like roasted garlic.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's great.

Oh, what a treat that is.

Yeah.

Or when you roast a whole garlic and then you squeeze those little juicy buds out.

That's lovely.

lovely really nice and a slice of cranks homemill

bread well we could even if you've got some garlic in there we you could save some bread from the bread course and then mop and start and start mopping and spreading and doing all that amazing yeah how long have you been doing cats continental potatoes for

I think probably it's probably about 10 years.

That's good.

Yeah, because I think it was 10 years ago that it was what do I do with my leftovers?

And then it was like, oh my God, I've just come up with this amazing dish.

You know, people are going to be making this now.

Yeah.

You know, you get a lot of...

Are you on social media?

Of course.

Well, you'll be getting some photos.

Well, that's all right.

It's better than when I first joined social media and I was getting photos of people's shit.

If you want that, you need to join my neighbour's What's Up group?

Why were people sending you pictures of their shit?

You know, just dirty,

troubled people.

I don't know.

It was a real shock.

Yeah, when I first joined Twitter.

Hold on.

Hold on.

There wasn't anything that you were doing.

Yeah, I thought there was

some internet trend or something, but it was just troubled people.

But

you've not done any of that.

No, I just joined and yeah, it just, I don't know.

So I learned how to use the block button quite quick.

Yeah, if only they'd learned how to use the block button.

If only.

Sorry.

How many people were doing this?

Was it one person?

No, I think I got about three.

It's extraordinary, innit?

Yeah.

People's lives, man.

Well,

now you're going to get Calf's Continental Potatoes.

Yes,

please.

And that'll be a lot nicer.

Thanks.

And so this Seabass, and that's cooked by you for your dream meal.

Oh, yeah.

Cooked by you.

Yeah, yeah.

The crispy skin, the chili oil.

Yes, chili oil on the skin.

and CAFS Continental Potatoes.

Would you put the Seabass on a bed of the CAFS Continental Potatoes or is it?

No, no.

No, no.

It's just on everything, you know.

Yeah, yeah, on one plate.

On one plate, sort of not piling, not little bits of like a little finger full.

You know, I've got a big spoon, I scoop a lot.

Yeah,

Calf's big spoon.

Nearly fell off.

Nearly fell off your chair.

Mo, that would have been a big moment on the podcast.

We're not having someone fall off their chair.

Did they just lean back?

Yeah,

it won't go all the way back.

That would be a horrible thing to do, too.

That would be really horrible.

Not like a Doctor Evil chair.

So, the Cat's Continental Potatoes are not your dream side.

So, what is your dream side?

Well,

because we've got quite a lot of oil in that, you know, the sea bass has been pan-fried, Cat's Continental Potatoes got the garlic oil, so we need some eat steamed.

And I love

Spanish.

I like how you very seriously said we need something steamed like it was like some plan of action and you threw your hand in the air

a big bold gesture.

We need something steamed.

Your face looked deadly serious.

Well yeah because otherwise it's too much grease.

So you need to cut through the grease.

So I mean I love greens.

So it's either going to be steamed broccoli and

a little bit of chili maybe a little bit of garlic garlic, or just plain steamed broccoli or steamed spinach, which I love.

I hate creamed spinach.

What the hell is that?

Putting cream is, I mean, I just think it's repulsive.

So I don't want creamed spinach, thank you very much.

If I'm in a restaurant and

the spinach on the side is creamed spinach, I say, could you please ask the chef not to cream in my spinach?

I just want it plain yeah and a little bit of salt and pepper tiny little bit i also like peas so you could so my side could be what would you say a clean medley yes a medley very good of broccoli spinach although the spinach can be a bug you've got to do the spinach separate because you've got to get the water out of it

broccoli spinach and peas yeah lovely and that goes really lovely with the continental spuds and the uh sea bass you've really thought about this as a menu as a a whole, which I like.

Of course that's what I was asked to do.

Yeah was it you know some people come in and just like they just go with all their favourite foods all in one.

Ed some people are cunts.

That's all I've got to say.

Correct.

There's a place that I can get on deliveroo now called Coquette.

Oh, okay.

And they do amazing.

Chicken, the rotisserie chicken place.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've had that.

They have their salads.

Oh yeah, the salads are amazing.

Salads are really something else and they're a burrata salad with peas and courgette is uh one of my favourites and the really big peas what's burrata what it's like uh that cheese it's like a creamier mozzarella oh yes of course it's like it comes as a whole thing and then you cut into it and it just like

spills all the cream

that sounds really nice It's very good.

And like, I don't know what kind of peas they are.

They're bigger than your regular peas.

They're like marbles.

Wow.

But like really delicious peas.

Yeah.

They're like marbles.

Yeah, they're like big fat peas.

They're not like normal.

Like garden peas.

Are they called marrow peas?

Maybe they are.

Maybe I should have.

Because there are a peas.

There's a pee called marrow fat pee.

Yeah.

So it might be them.

I had a great day the other day just sitting there on Deliveroo and favouriting all my favourite ones so that I've got them proper.

Oh, I didn't know you could do that.

I didn't know you could do it.

But like, as soon as I did that, it's a game changer now.

I can just go on my list list of favourites.

I don't have to be scrolling all the time looking for where my favourites are.

I love getting little insights into James's life.

That was his great day the other day.

I mean, he's so happy with the simple stuff, isn't he?

I think that's a good way to be a human.

I like having an

organised list of things you like.

Yes.

And I can just go on that list and look at it and go, oh man, I can have all these things to my house.

So it's a chicken place, really.

Yeah.

But they do veggie stuff.

Yeah, I've actually never had the chicken there.

Oh, right.

I just have the salads there.

It's pretty good.

The chicken's fine, but like like the salads are the highlight, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

See, when I was a kid, I used to, because I used to eat meat, obviously, when I was a kid, and I used to babysit, because back in the 70s, when you were a child, say, like a nine or ten-year-old, you absolutely were allowed to look after three and four-year-olds.

And so I used to do a lot of babysitting.

And I remember going, and this lovely lady, I used to look after her kid, lovely lady called Molly.

And they they were going out for a Saturday night.

And she said to me, Okay, she said, Help yourself, help yourself to whatever you like.

And so I was like, Great.

And I had a look around.

I put the kids to bed, had a look around the kitchen.

There was a chicken in the oven that they would obviously cook the night before for their Sunday dinner the next day.

And I thought, Oh, I'll have a bit of chicken.

And I mean, yeah, I was like, you know, desperate Dan.

And

I remember turning the chicken upside down to get the oysters, you know.

Oh, yeah, it's the good stuff.

Because I used to love that.

And you were nine when you were.

I was nine or ten.

I took the oysters at them and probably a leg.

Yeah.

And her husband went, fucking hate shit.

But that's the thing.

I had a similar thing when I was like a teenager, babysat for the very first time.

Yeah.

And they said, help yourself to anything in the fridge.

fridge so I went absolutely

like

I had so much shit and then afterwards my mum explained it to me like right they phoned me and they've said you've basically cleared their fridge and I was like

yeah well they said help myself to anything in the fridge mum she's like that's not what that means like it is what it means yeah yeah what else why would anyone say that to me if they didn't want me to just help myself to anything in the fridge.

If they wanted you to have one specific thing, they should say, we've left that for you in the fridge.

Or they should have said to you, but don't touch touch the chicken touch the chicken well i think when i continued to babysit for them there was probably a padlock on the oven or something

because i would just i would eat anything when i was a kid and i think that's why i ended up being a veggie in my adult life because i just went off meat i couldn't eat it anymore i used to work in a bakery at one point i had a few jobs and after school and saturdays i used to work in a laundrette and i used to work in a bakery the best thing about the bakery was the sausage rolls.

And I think I just OD'd on sausage rolls.

You're desperate down the sausage rolls?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

How many sausage rolls would you get through in a day working on?

As many as I could get in me fat little face.

I just would love them.

And I'd hide them as well so that people would think the shop had run out of sausage rolls.

But I just did them.

Have you got any

sausage rolls?

Sorry, Randy.

You've just opened.

Yeah, I know.

It's so popular.

Your face is covered in succuba shit.

Why are your pockets bulging?

So now I've got X-Man.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

Hold up, we got one play.

Everything we work for comes down to this.

Quick question.

Speaking of workouts, how would you rate your athletic program?

Bro, we're in the middle of the state championship.

Oh, so like a B plus then?

Dude, get out of our huddle.

Well at homes.com, we leave it all on the field to get you detailed information on local schools.

Off the field!

Off the field.

Copy.

Alright, go sports.

How'd he even get in here?

Homes.com.

We've done your homework.

So we move on to your dream drink.

Oh, dream drink.

Okay.

A cup of tea, please.

It's what I said.

Yeah.

I predicted this.

Oh, did you?

Oh, I'm so predicting.

No, no, no, just because it is just because

we've met twice, I think.

Yeah.

Proper.

But like, both those times, I remember, cups of tea were

something you looked forward to.

You were like...

Yeah.

You were quite looking forward to a cup of tea.

I love a cup of tea.

But because I'm old now, knocking 60, and I have to be careful about things like blood pressure and heart and all that shit.

So I have decaf now.

Well, I have my first cup of tea is a normal

cup of tea and then the rest of the day is decaffeinated, which I didn't think I would ever get into, but they're fine.

They're absolutely fine.

It's lovely.

I am a bit, I prefer to make my own tea.

The dreaded words are, shall I make you a cup of tea?

And it's like, oh, please don't.

I'll do it myself.

Can I do it myself?

So when I turned up here today, lovely Naomi, who greeted me, cup of tea.

And I went, no, I've brought my own tea bags.

And I'll, is that where it is?

Great.

I'll do my own tea.

I love that to be, to be able to say, it's okay, I'm going to do it myself and just be confident enough to do that yeah yeah and also it makes you look cool as well when you turn up at a workplace i'm like i can do it myself we're all right does it as well i think it does oh that's good it just made me look a bit aggressive

how long have you been having the decaffeinated tea for probably about two years something like that now two or three years so you're probably about three years off of it tasting like normal tea yeah it's all right yeah it's all right yeah and today because this is very because we're in london oh there was no normal milk.

There was oat milk or soya.

Oh, dear.

And she did offer to go out and she said, because otherwise the normal milk just sits in the fridge.

And I was like, it's all right.

I'll try the soya.

And actually, it's fine.

Well, there you go.

It's fine.

It's fine.

But.

It's fine.

Okay.

But you prefer a cow milk?

I do.

See, this is the thing.

When I watched Simon Ann Still's Carnage,

brilliant film, I was obviously very upset at at the end of it.

I thought, I've got to go vegan, you know, and I've been veggie and whatever.

Well, by the end of the first week of being vegan, I was crying for cheese.

I was really, I was, I mean, I was crying.

I phoned up my friend Sean in France and I said, I just, I've got to have some cheese, mate.

And he went, come on.

He went, you've done your bit.

He said, you've been veggie 40 years.

You don't drive.

You don't have kids.

I thought, yes, of course.

I don't have any fucking, what do they call it?

Kids.

Carbon footprint.

Carbon footprint.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't, you know, know my carbon footprint is minuscule so he he gave me permission to eat cheese

oh i remember you said earlier that your friend was going to come back your friend from france but this is going to be i i feel like it's coming in the dessert course maybe your friend from france and the blueberries

yeah we still haven't heard about the blueberries all the time

but before we move on to that we should probably dig into exactly how you like your tea.

Oh, I like my tea milking first.

What sort of milk?

Are we talking semi-skimmed?

Semi-skimmed.

Semi-skimmed, milk, tea bagging, then the hot water.

Now, I imagine throughout your life you've come across a lot of pushback with that, a lot of people disagreeing with that order of doing things.

Yep.

Do you talk about what that's been like for you?

Well,

it's been quite distressing at times because

when you know you're right, you know you're right.

But actually, whenever I make somebody a cup of tea, without a doubt, people say, this is such a good cup of tea.

And I say, milking first.

Because you can judge it and they say, oh, but it just looks like, you know, sort of watered down milk.

But it isn't.

There's a tea bag in there.

And you've just got to wait.

And then you give it a squeeze.

And then suddenly it's this beautiful honey colour, you know.

And sometimes in the morning, I will have a tiny bit of sugar.

I mean, the end of a teaspoon.

So it's like a sort of quarter of a teaspoon, even less than that of sugar I did have some man saying to me once some bloke said to me oh you can't possibly taste that I thought I was fuck off

said you're not in my mouth

who was that who's who's telling you you can't taste that

he didn't have as refined a palate as you you can pick up on that sort of stuff exactly that's what i should have said rather than.

No, I think yours probably got to the point a lot quicker.

Yeah.

Fuck you, you're not in my mouth.

Exactly.

And you never will be.

I went on room 101 with Heston Blumenthal, who was one of the other guests.

Oh, yeah.

And he tried to put people who put milk in first in room 101.

Well, he can fuck off because, you know, what does he do?

He puts porridge in with, what, a Brussels sprout and charges people £30

for the pleasure so he can do one

also that's so weird because like his whole thing is about doing things in a in a different way and reinventing stuff I was surprised yeah and surely when you're putting the milk in first you're basically the Hess and Blumenthal of tea right yeah yeah yeah absolutely exactly what you're doing you're being the innovator yeah he's a scientist right he he prides himself on being like science-y and it sounds like what you've done is more scientifically you're spreading the milk out immediately.

Absolutely, not just dumping the milk on the top, and it's all sitting on the milk.

And if somebody makes me a cup of tea and they put the milk in last, I don't complain, no, I don't say to them, Well, you know, this isn't as delicious as it would be if I'd have made it.

Yeah, I accept it graciously and thank you very much.

Do you have a favourite mug that you have your tea in?

Ah, now, well, I do have, I've got a couple of whoppers, um,

as the actress said to the person.

um so i do like a big mug like first thing in the morning well i've got a nice

uh tall glass like a pint glass but it's not like an old-fashioned pint glass with a handle it's quite a nice posh tall pint glass and i just i mean it must have been about 15 years ago because i'd always make myself a mug of tea in the morning you drink that 10 minutes later you want another mug of tea you know and I thought what am I doing?

I could just have a pint of tea and then I haven't got to go keep making another mug of tea.

So that's what I do.

I have a pint of tea

in the morning.

So is that what you want for your dream meal?

Is a pint of tea?

Oh, that's a really good idea.

But in this nice long glass, because it looks nice,

you know.

It's not like an old Guinness glass or anything like that.

No.

I'm not necessarily one of these people, but there are people who definitely have a problem with seeing like

like tea in a see-through no no no no no no no no no no no no

it's lovely I've also got little mugs little glass mugs it reminds me my Auntie Nellie who's my godmother who's in her mid-90s now when I was a kid she had little see-through glasses and mugs and I love it it sort of reminds me of my childhood my that happy time being with my lovely Auntie Nellie so uh I mean what's the problem with seeing a drink also surely it works better because you can you can see what's going on yeah yeah in the tit it's like an aquarium right

you can see it all working away and you can see when it's ready that's it because sometimes if you're a bit tired you might have left the bag in and that's always a nightmare when it's been left in a mug yeah because you only know halfway down and it's getting stronger but you still can't work out why yeah and then your lip hits the tea bag but if it's in a glass you'd be able to...

It's like, oh, it's got something floating in that.

It's a tea bag.

If someone's trying to recruit you for the army, you'd be able to see it.

What?

I don't.

Don't look at me, Kathy.

I've got no idea what he's on about.

They tricked people back in the day.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, right.

Joining the army by put a coin in there.

I think it was the navy.

Oh, okay.

But what?

What?

Explain what you're talking about.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I think they would go into pubs

and talk to these young guys, distract them, chuck a coin in their beer, then they'd drink it, get down, and then they'd pick up the coin and go, what's this?

And then they'd smack them over the head and take them into the Navy.

But I think it was because you had to pay them to be in the Navy.

Yeah, there's something like that.

Yeah.

I don't understand.

See, I used to understand something.

I thought on how-to.

Now James has explained it, I now don't understand it anymore.

Yeah, yeah.

But it was on how-to.

What's how-to?

It was a show when we were kids.

Did you watch how-to Edward?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How to

Vordeman was on it.

No, I was the original.

Fred Dunage was also on How To.

Oh, was he?

Yeah, and then it was another guy called Gareth, I think.

Right.

And Vordeman, those three.

But they talked about that with the Navy and the coin.

Right.

And then he did a little act out of it.

So that's all I know about that.

Is that why you get pewter tankard sometimes with the glass bottoms?

So you can check to see if the coin's in there before you drink the beer.

So you don't get consistently.

I just don't understand what the coin's doing.

What does that do?

But you're paying to be in the navy.

So

if you met an admiral from the navy and went, here's

one groat or whatever it was back then.

They would be like, oh, then you are now in the navy.

So if they were drinking the beer, they got down and said, what's this?

And then they'd pick it out and then hold it up and they would take that as them paying again in the navy.

Yeah.

Smack him over the head apparently and take them away, which wanted to do that in the first place.

Oh, yeah.

But I just remember them smacking him over the head when they were acting out on how-to.

Gareth got smacked over the head by Fred, I think.

But that was what they were explaining: why they have glass bottoms.

Ah, there you go, okay.

Those kind of glasses.

So, case in point, you'd be able to see it in your teeth.

Yeah.

If anyone was trying to get you in the navy,

right?

That's what I'm saying.

Okay.

Correct reaction from Cathy.

Yeah, I know.

She's putting her glasses on, looking at her phone.

Your dream dessert.

Yes.

Now, we know that there's blueberries in it.

We know that a man from France, or who lives in France, is at least going to be involved in this.

Yes, it's a man from Liverpool, but he lives in France.

He's called Peter.

Yeah.

And he's my friend Sean's husband.

And he,

well, first time I met Peter, he tried to ingratiate himself, as people often do with me,

by making a strawberry...

Pavlova for pudding.

And I said, this is very lovely.

Thank you so much.

But I can't eat strawberries because of the seeds

yes and you can't get seeds out of a strawberry

buggers they're the worst like strawberry seeds raspberry seeds

they're the nasty culprits yeah

so anyway so the next time I went round for my dinner this before they moved to France he made a pavlova with blueberries It was out of this world.

It was just incredible.

And he doesn't use, he uses mascarponi.

So it's not too, because I don't like things too sweet or too sort of creamy.

And he uses golden castor sugar.

So the pavlova, it's it's sort of browny color.

The meringue and it's really chewy.

It's just lovely.

And then what else does he use?

The filling is mascarponi fromage fray.

Oh God.

It's got a little bit of sourness as well too.

And a teaspoon of vanilla extract

so again the fromage fray it's sort of it's then it's not too creamy or cloying

and then he you know boils up some blueberries with some sugar and then he sieves them so you get all that juice and he pours the juice all over the meringue

and with some fresh strawberries on top and it's just amazing oh wow that i have we had pavlova before isn't there i feel like we we must have.

We must have done, but like, I think people have chosen Eaton Mess before.

Sure, but some people think that Eaton Mess is the correct answer.

But I would rather have this.

Yeah.

Pete's Pavlova.

Pete's Pavlova.

Yeah, yeah.

I love how.

Every course is named after someone.

Yeah, but I love how this isn't getting the word continental in there.

He literally lives in South.

Pete's Liverpool Pavlova.

Pete's Pavlova, fair enough.

Would you like some of my continental potatoes that I invented in Islington?

Oh, it's delicious.

And I attempted to make it, well, I'm not a great pudding maker.

I get a bit nervous because it is sort of more maths involved

when there's puddings.

But I did make it.

I had my great friend, a little name drop, my great friend Marianne Jean-Baptiste, who's a brilliant actress.

She lives in America now.

She's got her...

kids and they came over one summer, a few years ago, to see me.

And I said, oh, I've made a blueberry pavlova and marianne said oh we don't really we're not really sweet people we don't really eat that much sweets and i was like oh well and i put it out her and her two daughters fucking demolished

i mean they could not stop eating it and they were they had to hold their hands up

this is incredible great oh that must have felt good it did actually i felt very proud of pete yeah even though it was me that made it.

He'd have been proud of you.

He was.

Pad one.

He was.

So.

Yeah.

That's good.

A magic dessert that makes people who don't say they don't eat sweets just go crazy for sugar.

They went crazy for it.

It was wonderful.

We didn't even have separate plates.

They just dug it with just we just all ate it with a spoon.

How it should be.

Do you put anything on the Pavlova or is it all in there?

So would you pour any cream on top of it or anything?

No, no, because you've got your filling.

Yeah.

And then, no, oh, does he put cream on top?

No.

no but no just the juice of the the blueberries the compote is that what it's called

and then the blueberries on top of that and um

but you don't hold back on the mascarponi or the fromage fray because it's not cream yeah you can go a bit pull up with it you know put a bit more in there it sounds so good yeah i'll be honest when you were when you were talking about crying for cheese earlier i thought maybe it was going to be a cheese board situation

because you like cheese but

also you'd already said there were going to be blueberries coming up, so I think James was a bit more relaxed about that.

I had that in my head the whole way.

I was like, we're okay, we're going to blueberry town at the end of this.

If blueberries have popped up anywhere else in the menu, then I would have started to worry.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

Okay.

You would like still water, whatever's on offer.

Not tap.

Not tap.

Popums or bread, you would like cranks whole meal with olive spread.

Starter, a tomato tart from the ivy.

Pasta, spaghetti pesto.

Main course, pan-fried sea bass in chili oil made by yourself with calf's continental potatoes side dish a medley of steamed broccoli spinach and peas drink a pint of tea made by yourself milk first in a pint glass in a like the glass pint glass so you don't join the navy and dessert peats blueberry pavlova yes That all sounds fantastic.

It does.

Very homemade as well.

This is all stuff that you do or your friend does.

Absolutely.

I prefer it.

I mean, we've got the ivy tart you know but I you know I do eat out occasionally but I'm usually disappointed

so I do prefer homemade cooking do you think that comes from being a being a veggie for so long so having like you said there was only like a couple of places you could eat out when you started those although everybody has veggie choices now um or they have vegan choices but i still have to always say no seeds hold the seeds i don't know i think it's just i just go out less and I was never really into that thing of

going out for a meal you know like that it was a big deal I mean I'll do lunch oh I'll meet a pal for lunch I like a little lunch

but dinner I just

you know I just want to be home and I want to be cozy And I love other people's cooking, but particularly my friend Peter.

He's a fantastic cook.

He sounds it.

I mean, his husband, Sean, is going to get the ump now because he'd be like, I cook as well, which he does.

He does.

He's a lovely cook.

But Peter, there's just, you know, when someone's just got it, just got the knack.

Yeah.

And he loves doing it because he finds it very, very relaxing.

I find it relaxing, but I find the thought of doing it stressful.

I'm having James and his girlfriend over to our house in a few weeks.

Oh, press shower.

I'm already worried about it, Kathy.

I'll be honest.

Pressure.

Wow, you're worried.

I'm already panicking about what I'm going to do.

No, you know what you should do?

A little bit of fried sea bass.

Yeah.

Calf's continuer potatoes.

I might do cascots.

And some steamed greens.

Yeah.

Maybe.

The one green I forgot was Cavallo Nero.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

Oh, I love it.

I love cabbage.

Yeah.

You know, and eat greens.

I like kale.

I'll do that.

It would be so funny if my girlfriend and I went to Ed's house for dinner and he made us the dream menu of one of the guests

and didn't even mention it.

Yes.

I would be like, Ed, is this Cathy Burg's dream menu?

No?

Well, if not mine, you should choose somebody's dream menu.

No, I'm going to do yours, Kathy.

They're going to get a pint of tea.

When the pint of tea comes up, then I'll start going like, but the pint of tea is for the morning, though.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's not really, you know, for your dinner.

Wow.

I think that's a bit much.

Yeah, well, you can have it wherever you want in your dream meal.

Okay.

You have a cigarette if you want at some point.

Oh, definitely.

Well, we'll have that afterwards.

Yeah, yeah.

But you can smoke in the dream restaurant as well.

It's the dream restaurant, you know.

Really?

Yeah, it's your dream restaurant.

We can get rid of all seeds within a 30 mile radius if you want a little bit of wacky backy yeah yeah yeah yeah lovely we can sort that out for you for sure

fabulous you wouldn't be the first person to put that on the on their dream menu no you'd be good good company you and mike skinner from the streets you could you could have some love together

well there you go i feel like we've added some nice little uh nice little twists to the menu i thought i chucked the the the smoking option in there so i remember when we were coming back from uh eight out of of ten cats to countdown, it's the train journey from Manchester all the way to London.

The whole way you were like, I need to get off this train.

I've got to get off.

As soon as we're pulling into Houston or wherever it is, you're right at the door.

Right, come on, see LAJ by

I've got to go.

Get a baby ciggy in.

So definitely at the end of the meal, I've got to have a smoke.

Well, that used to be the thing.

Yeah.

But it is at the end of a meal, you know,

before

I keep nearly falling falling back in this chair

but it used to be a little the men would go off and smoke cigars yeah and the ladies would what what would they do knit

i think so talk about the men they used to knit yeah knit

talk about the men god what a life

me i'm so glad i think this is a good a good uh generation well you know i know i'm i'm i'm old enough to be your mother, the pair of you, but, and Ben, he's here, like a sort of ghost

sort of presence, yeah.

But, um, I don't know, anyway, I'm just waffling now, ridiculous

because we have already started to get the wacky backy out

for the listener, yeah, that's what's happened.

Kathy can't remember what she's saying anyway.

We'll go before it really kicks in.

Thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant, Kathy.

Oh, I've loved it.

There we are.

The wonderful Kathy Burke, James.

Worth the wait.

I think that is the way it is.

What to me is worth the wait.

Absolutely.

What a lovely and genuinely funny and warm presence she was in the studio, James.

Absolutely.

A pleasure to be around.

A great menu.

When Kathy said, pescatarian, I was like,

are we going to have crab sticks coming up here?

Yeah, and very good that we didn't pick cup of tea.

Yeah, because there was some chat about maybe having cup of tea as a secret ingredient, linking it to Kevin and Perry.

Yeah,

because whenever Mrs.

Patterson gave him a cup of tea, Perry, he would say, thank you, Mr.

Patterson.

But yeah.

We actually did well to not fanboy as well, James.

We did do well.

Normally we absolutely spill.

I tell you why I didn't fanboy.

was because Kathy told me that once she did a

show where she was directing it and like no one was fanboy or doing any of that with her so she kind of gave them a thank you mrs patterson out of nowhere one day yeah and they were all delighted about it so i thought with kathy if you don't do it she might do thank you mrs patterson

maybe we'll get all the stuff

she did say thank you at one point in the sort of sing-song peri way a little bit which was exciting but no brilliant brilliant menu no crab sticks no crab sticks no no no um do go and listen to kathy's podcast where Where There's a Will, There's a Wake.

Yes.

Not only me.

Dawn French is the first episode.

Amazing.

Jamali Maddox, Diane Morgan, Stuart Lee.

I can't wait to listen to it.

Yeah.

Even if I'm not on it.

Well, one day.

I mean, hopefully, you've got to get on it before it's too late, you know?

Before

real.

Yeah, it'd be awful if I...

Maybe on my deathbed, I'll do it.

They could do one of them one day.

Yeah.

That would be quite the episode.

Someone's like, I mean, would they be able to turn that down?

If someone was on, if a celeb was on their deathbed and contacted Kathy and said, I just really would love to do it before I go.

Yeah.

Can they say no to that?

Probably not.

Probably not.

A few foodie thank yous, James.

Thank you.

We've been sent some lovely stuff.

Thank you so much to Jubal Beers.

I'm hearing about this for the first time.

Benito loves it.

Because Benito loves it and he's done the thing where they've been contacting Benito to say, we'd love to send you guys some beers.

I mean, he's gone yes.

And he's snaffled them all away for himself because he loves their peach beer so much.

He loves it.

And then earlier on, he lied to Ed about having some.

He said, I said, I love the peach beer, Ed.

And Ed was like, oh, I think I would love that.

And he went, oh, yeah, I drank it all.

And then he admitted, I haven't drunk it all.

I do have it.

I was just telling you that because I didn't want you to drink my peach beer.

Yeah, he's got them in his secret little fridge next to his desk.

Yeah, he's got it there.

He opens it up, gives himself a beer.

Every time he finishes an edit, cracks open a peach beer.

And he keeps him in the Great Fridge Nito.

The Great Fridge Nito.

So thank you very much Yubel and thank you very much to you the listener for listening again.

Yes, thank you very much to you the listener for listening again.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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And we're back live during a flex alert.

Dialed in on the thermostat.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

Clutch move by the home team.

What's the game plan from here on out?

Laundry?

Not today.

Dishwasher?

Sidelined.

What a performance by Team California.

The power truly is ours.

During a flex alert, pre-cool, power down, and let's beat the heat together.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The the time is 7 pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.