Best of 2022: Part 2

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much.

And enjoy the episode.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

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Welcome back to the best of 2022.

This is part two of 2022, James.

2022.

This is out of all the years in your lifetime, everybody, this is the most amount of twos that are going to be in it.

Yeah, that's true, actually.

You can't get me on that.

You can't.

I didn't want to get you, A.

And B, it just took me a couple of seconds to work out that no one's going to live for 200 years from now.

Yes.

Well, we've got another batch of clips, Ed.

Favorite moments from the last 12 months.

Another classic piece of banter.

I thought it was quite good.

Yeah.

You know.

I think it's just always the dismount with us.

Obviously, I know that I should have said that you were going to live for that long, Ed.

Oh, because you don't think I'm going to die.

No, but that's from an episode that hasn't been out yet.

Yeah.

So we can't really say that.

So I've considered saying it and then we was like, oh no, they haven't heard that episode yet.

But stay tuned for that.

It's a little teaser for a future episode.

James doesn't think I'm going to die.

Ed, can I interest you in some water?

Oh, that would be lovely, please.

That's how we start the podcast every week, and it's how we're going to start this one.

Still or sparkling water.

Here's Asma Khan and Nadia Hussein.

We always start with still or sparkling water.

Sparkling.

Very, very boring.

Straight.

No, that's not.

But still boring choice right yeah sparkling sparkling is the exciting choice

that's the jazzy water yeah it's the jazzy water would you agree yes a bit more jazzy a bit more fun why would you prefer sparkling over still each time because i this is still something new to me i mean in india if your water had bubbles in it you run

there's something live at the bottom of the glass breathing through that water you see bubbles you don't drink it i know and it's been 30 years but in my heart there's still stuff i take joy out of

and yeah to see bubbles and you know that it's not an animal breathing at the bottom of the glass

i'm gonna think that every time it's a sparkling water now i'm gonna have to check the bottom of the glass and go there's something breathing down there i'll be quite excited yeah if i had a little creature in my glass

still or sparkling water you are gonna hate me everyone in the world is gonna hate me for this so i really like tepid warm still water ah warm interesting yeah yeah i'm like an elderly person.

Yeah, my grandma used to drink that.

She used to have to have to have a mug of hot water in the morning.

Yeah, I'm like that.

In the morning, the first thing I drink is hot water.

So I drink warm water.

And even, I mean, not even warm.

I like it when it's just been sat out.

And you know when it's just, yeah, you know when it's been sat out and like the kids haven't drank a glass of water and it's like bubbly around the side.

Oh, I'll happily drink that.

That's like perfect temperature for me.

I do not like cold water.

Do you leave out some glasses of water before you go to bed to make sure you've got your perfect tepid water?

No, but the best kind of water is the bottle of water that I take upstairs to bed with me every night.

And then I'll drink it.

I may drink it through the night.

And if I don't, I get really excited when I wake up and it's like bubbly around the side.

And I'm like, yay, tepid.

And then I'll drink that.

And I love that.

I love that.

I don't know what it is.

There you go.

James has got...

Don't entice me, you.

Don't entice me, you.

That is my water.

that was by my bed when I went to sleep and I am drinking it now, to be fair.

I don't want to tip it away.

Don't tip it away.

Don't hurt me.

That's like, no, that's good water.

That's like seasoned water.

Don't ever seasoned.

A little bit of age to it, like a steak.

I don't like ice, don't like icy water, and I don't mind a bit of sparkling occasionally, but it has to be tepid and it never is.

So I always go for like tepid water.

Sorry to disappoint you.

This feels like a toffee crisp moment.

No, it's interesting.

We haven't had this answer before.

If you were in a restaurant and they said, would you like some water, still a sparkling or tap water, what would you say to them?

I always ask them to give me a glass of hot water on the side and then I kind of do my own little mixing.

Wow.

No one is ever going to like queenies.

So you ask for a cold water, a hot water and a thermometer and then you're going to get the exact right.

Then I kind of do this mixy thing and I tell them don't fill it up because you can't really fill up two glasses.

So sometimes they don't listen.

Then I'm like, can I have another glass please?

And they're like, oh my God, there she is.

That stupid celebrity asking for three glasses of water you know one empty two different temperatures like can you imagine how ridiculous that sounds but yes but sometimes i just carry my bottle around and that's got the perfect tepid water from the night before so i am never without what ratios we talking when you get the empty glass and you got the hot water and the cold water what percentage of it do you fill with cold water are you actually interested yes we've never had someone say they that they want tepid tap water before in the dream restaurant this might be the only time you ever get to have this conversation.

You know what I'm so pleased I get to give you new and exciting content.

I'm so excited.

Two-thirds cold and one-third hot and that gives you the perfect tepid.

Yes.

That's a recipe for you.

Yeah.

You can have that.

Thank you.

Thanks for that.

On the rare occasion I've tried to make like bread or like prove something or activate yeast, quite often the recipe says you have to have cold water and then add a certain amount of hot water to bring it to the right temperature.

Is that where this comes from?

This idea?

I want to say it's as elaborate as that, but yeah, mostly no.

I just like deffided water.

I just hate icy water.

I hate

ice lollies.

Like my husband loves ice lollies.

Every night, he probably has about five or six.

I just don't like cold things.

I don't like super, super cold stuff.

And that might be just a lifetime of tonsillitis that stopped me from drinking really cold water.

And that's the real answer.

So I don't know how we got to tonsillitis, but here we are.

Oh, water.

Water, water everywhere.

Let's drink some water.

That's the water dealt with.

Oh, water, my troubles are God.

Don't go chasing water.

And talking of overflowing, James, as water sometimes does, our national treasure chest has been overflowing this year.

So many treasures, man.

Richard E.

Grant, Jarvis Cocker, Richard Iowadi, Mel Gedroyk, Lenny Henry, Paul Hollywood, Rob Bryden,

and Richard E.

Grant again in this clip?

I mean, come on, that's pretty amazing, isn't it?

Pretty good stuff.

We have got so many national treasures for you, so sit back and enjoy.

Pop and absorb bread!

Pop and absorb bread, Richard E.

Grant!

Pop and absorb bread.

Bread.

Yeah?

Bread.

Every.

I suffer from misophonia.

Ah, yeah.

Which is is identified 20 years ago if I was.

So it immediately made the sound that I was going to say.

So the sound of a poppadum being crunched near you literally brings the red mist of rage over my

and I wish I didn't suffer from this, but I do.

So the sound of a poppadum is unacceptable.

So is all of your menu going to be quite soft foods?

Old age foods you don't need teeth for.

Sort of silent.

No, but if I eat an apple, I will go and eat it in a corner on my own so that I don't have to infringe that noise on somebody else close by because I know what that does to me if somebody's doing it close to me.

Oh, that's nice.

I've never met a sort of an empathetic mesophone before.

Oh, are you me?

Are you missing me?

No, no, no.

But it's always about when anyone talks about it, it's always about what it sounds like to them and how it makes them feel.

I've never met anyone who's gone, and I also don't want anyone else to hear that.

So you have to privately eat crunchy foods.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I'll go and sit in the front row of the cinema on my own with a box of popcorn because I know that the sound of that is, it's only I will be hearing how awful that sound is.

Because if I'm in there, anybody else is doing it, I'm...

Does the sound of yourself eating make you feel weird?

I get used to it because greed overtakes the

greed overtakes the misphonier part of it.

But yeah, I find that even crunching toast, I think, God, can't you just do it?

This is the one time I've wished that I could be deaf so that I couldn't hear the sound of it.

You've been at one of your own film premieres and yours is sat at the front on your own and everyone else is at the back and you're eating popcorn at your own film premieres.

No, you go at the beginning to do the press stuff because you're required to do that in your contract, and then you don't stay and watch it.

I've noticed that.

Sometimes I've gone to watch a film at a film premiere and I've been excited, and everyone's there at the front.

Oh, all the stars are here.

And they all leave up the fire escape, and you're like, What the?

Shalabay, where are you going?

I know very few actors that like watching themselves in stuff.

The only analogy I have is that unless you're a voyeur, would you want to watch a replay of yourself having sex?

Because it's the actor doing it that is pleasurable.

Yes.

You know, it's the making of the movie or whatever you're doing, but having to re-watch it afterwards, you go, oh my God, is that what it looks like?

Is that what it is?

Oh, no.

So it's gruesome.

It looks like it's just had a beef burging on.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

I can't watch that.

Exactly.

Exactly right.

So is an actor who enjoys watching their own stuff a red flag?

No, because that's passing judgment on somebody else.

I don't know.

Because some people,

I'm sure there'll be critics out there who'll say, well, that's your problem.

You should have been watching yourself to improve.

I don't know.

No, it's the actor doing it.

I think comics have a similar thing, right?

Yeah, I can't, I, I, I can, if I'm literally putting out a comedy special, I can watch it during the edit, watch the final version once, yeah, and then I'm never watching it again.

Yeah.

Like, and that's the most I'll ever watch myself is when I'm literally putting the thing out and releasing it.

Yeah.

And what to make sure it's good.

What does that make you feel when you watch it?

That's relief because that's like, okay, I've got it.

I've got it edited the way I want it.

It's fine.

But if I watched it one more time after that when it's finished, I would just be like, shut up, you boring wanker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get the machete out.

It'd be the worst.

Yeah, yeah, get the machete through the TV.

That's it.

Whereas you love watching yourself over the time.

I love watching myself.

When I watch James, I think, shut up, you boring wanker.

Yeah, yeah.

Often that's the, we have to edit out.

So the yin and yang.

Yeah.

No, I can't bear it.

I can't bear it either.

Oh, you can't.

It's easier when you're watching it for an edit or something because you're in another brain.

It's almost like you're not watching yourself exactly watching it for the edit.

But I would never, certainly for pleasure, never watch anything I'm involved in.

And a lot of people would agree.

Paul Benito here has to edit this.

And at some point in the future, he's going to be sitting there editing a conversation about editing.

And that is going to be quite the day for him.

See,

sitting here waiting, getting the scissors in between the bits where there's big gappy pauses and thinking, get the fuck and move on.

i mean i have to say actually one thing that i meant to say at the beginning of this conversation is that like i i don't think that like music and food go together at all really yeah in what way i don't know they just seem to be the different things somehow like eating food at while listening to music terrible you'd hate it and just i remember you know um there was a festival on blackheath i think it was it was rumored that it was partly funded by john lewis It's called on Blackheath.

It started like about 10 years ago or something.

And

I was DJing there, and then I was walking around the site, and they did have like weird, they led like a, they were like little mini stages, but then there was a guy coming on cooking.

It's really, really weird to watch somebody doing that.

And then, and then there was one festival that we played in Switzerland, it was.

In the backstage area, they had like, you know, that raclette stuff that they have, like it's like melted cheese off.

Yeah, they like scrape the melted cheese off yeah and then you'd like dip bits of bread in yeah so they had one of those backstage and it was on all the time all the time we were playing all i could smell was like

really strong melted cheese the whole way through yeah which was like it was

killing me because i was going well it smells nice

so then it's putting you off you know it's like i don't know and then the real bad thing was we finished the concert and i went back and they turned the fucker off so so i didn't even get any of that.

I just got tortured by it.

And then it was like, you know, some bands have a dry ice machine.

Some bands have like a cheese fog machine.

And that wasn't really the vibe I was looking for.

Yeah, I don't think it goes together that well.

I don't know what your opinion is.

No, I see.

From a gig goer's perspective, I never enjoy a gig as much as I've eaten a big meal beforehand.

So I don't feel like I can throw myself into it.

Yeah, and you wouldn't stand there eating a sandwich or something whilst watching.

Or would you?

No, I wouldn't because I think of it.

So from a comedian's perspective, whenever I've done a gig where like weekend comedy clubs and they give people food to eat as well, like they're getting, you know, burger and chips and pints and watching the comedy, it's very distracting.

And it really feels like you're bottom of the pecking order when someone's tucking into chicken in a basket while you're trying to tell jokes.

We did a gig together once and during my set, an audience member shouted out, where's my fucking chips?

And it was very, very depressing for me.

I'd enjoyed it.

I'd enjoyed watching it it happen

I remember I remember it so distinctly it was in it was in Leicester and it was in a cinema they had a room where they did gigs in this showcase cinema and a woman shouted at James where's my fucking chips and James immediately said with no gap whatsoever I'm never doing this gig again

it was in Coventry

I don't remember it that distinctly

showcase yeah well I'd imagine it's more dangerous for you because if you tell a joke and then people laugh then

the food are going to come forward.

All over the place.

Forget it.

Alex James says, and forgive me, I don't know what the relationships are between various people in Brit Pop.

But Alex James has a festival, doesn't he?

That's food and music.

Is that correct?

Arrest my case.

That was it with the cheese machine trying to put you off.

Maybe it was, yeah.

Yeah, he makes his own cheese, doesn't he?

Let's start your proper meal.

We get Dream Starter.

Yes, I struggle with starters.

I will often avoid one.

Now, this is controversial.

I love it when this happens.

Now, yes, this sounds very showbiz, but we once had a meal together with Nish.

And I think you ordered All Starters.

I did order All Starters.

That was my home.

I'm so proud of you, man.

Yeah, thank you, Ed.

Obviously, I didn't tell it because it would give him the satisfaction.

He's a starter boy.

He loves it.

Yeah.

But we're at Artuzi, which is a very nice Italian place.

And all of the small plates just sounded delicious.

So I was like, I'm going to do it.

I'm going to go three or four of them.

That's a big move.

It's very grown up.

Thank you.

Thank you, Ed.

It was terribly sophisticated.

Whereas I struggle with starters.

Originally, just through tightness, I'd just go, well, why are we,

you know, when I say we, I always refer to me as we.

Why are we having a starter when we can just fill up on a stodgy main?

That's no point.

Sure.

So I wonder whether I might have popcorn for my starter.

Great.

It's light.

It's very hard to be unhappy eating popcorn.

I've tried,

but it's just too silly an action to be truly sad.

So you don't want to be full.

And I think popcorn on the edge of the diving board, Hasselhoffs across the way.

I'm feeling safe.

Yeah.

And I think a little sweet and salty.

I have a mixture, sweet and salty.

How do you ask for them to be put into the bucket?

One, then, one, then one, then, one.

Thank you.

A bit like sedimentary rock.

Yes.

I want layers.

But I think I want the final, the top layer to be salt.

Okay.

Yeah.

And the bottom layer to be sweet.

Because that's pudding.

It's almost like a whole meal in itself.

Like a popcorn meal.

And do you have that sort of chemical memory where if you eat popcorn outside of the cinema, it still puts you in the mode of being in the cinema?

I eat so much popcorn that I more associate other things with eating popcorn.

Do you really?

I eat a lot of popcorn.

There's very good popcorn outlets near where where we live.

It's, you know, in the drum outside, big bag.

I'm down to a bag a week.

A big bag.

Like, there were times when it was a couple of bags a week.

Wow.

Yeah.

And that's £10 a week on popcorn.

And that's too much.

That's insane, though.

Please, they deserve every penny they make.

That popcorn is first class.

It's first class popcorn.

Yeah.

This is exciting.

They're underselling that popcorn, if anything.

I would.

I'd do it by direct debit if they offered it.

Have you always loved popcorn this is great stuff everyone knows that you love film I do I do love popcorn

apart from actually apart from in a cinema oh really yeah you can't sure I because my favourite cinema is the BFI well I still think of it as the NFT despite the fungible tokens or whatever and I have heard someone be reproached for opening a sparkling water and then

some there was a and there was a shh

and there was such ferocity in the shh which is too similar a noise to what's just happened Exactly.

It just sounds like...

I'm going to open my water now.

Just doing it in pressure of the water.

Yeah, exactly.

So in a way, I find someone eating popcorn in a cinema, I find that quite stressful.

And so if I see that people are eating popcorn in a cinema, I sometimes will have to get popcorn so that I can be in charge of the sounds.

Maybe I'll come to some

DFI to watch films because I absolutely fucking hate the cinema now.

Well,

everyone's doing what they want.

It's noisy.

People

calls.

When are you going and where are you going?

Yeah, where are you going?

I was going anywhere.

Like, they're just wherever the nearest one is.

I'll pop along and they're all there

on their phones, lighting their faces up.

Midweek afternoon.

That's it.

I went once to

a screen in the parasite before it had come out proper.

Yes.

There's a Q ⁇ A afterwards with the director.

Yes.

Next to me was a lady who was on her phone for most of it.

Stop it.

And then, when there was the Q ⁇ A talking about

in class and stuff like that she was like agreeing really vocally with him as if like she'd watched it as if she'd watched the film she'd been there in a big fur coat very posh lady was she reviewing it potentially no way she was because i looked over at one point she's what's happening mate oh i'm chatting that is outrageous behavior what do you think of the new trendy popcorns your joe's joseph's no no no i don't want toffee on a popcorn it makes it wet and and i don't like the yeah i can't even the cheese popcorn no no cheese popcorn no no no no no no no what about when it's just like a fun colour when they put make it like fluorescent no i can't i can't cope with anything but it tastes other than straight up popcorn i don't like any fun colours yes it feel i just don't i'm not that keen on decorative food uh-huh i find it quite stressful i just feel the effort and i feel you know it's enforced fun is not as good as as you found in the crystal maze yes do you pop your own corn?

I hope that's not a euphemism.

I have

in microwave popcorn in the early,

well, probably I'm creeping to senescence, but I remember microwave popcorn coming out and that being a terrifically exciting prospect that you could put it.

A lot of fires, often blackened popcorn, would result from overcooking it.

Yeah.

And in a way, that was more, it was more exciting just to set the popcorn on fire and then dispose dispose of it.

That was almost the best interaction you could have.

But it was never quite good.

The heat was pleasant, but there would be some ones that would be molten and hot and kernels.

The kernels, yeah.

And I'd always find it depressing that some of the kernels didn't pop.

You felt like you'd failed.

And then you crunch animal too hard and it's off to Danny Glover in the morning.

Yeah, and then you spiral down.

Before you know it, you're out the crystal maze and you're having a panic attack.

Also, the pops, so some it's like done in the microwave.

Yes.

And the instructions are when it gets down to this many seconds between pops, then let it out.

So I'm there counting the seconds between the pops.

And I think...

I don't know if any food's worth this in my life.

It's a lot like giving birth, isn't it?

You've got to just count those contractions.

And I think mothers listening to this will appreciate the comparison.

Yeah, sometimes.

It's almost as stressful waiting for those

final seconds.

You don't want to leave it to, yeah, you don't want to char them, but you don't want a bag full of unpopped corn.

before we move on to the main and i know you're gonna say that like this but chocolate covered popcorn oh no why i just know you'd have a bar my mum had a chocolate shop what the house yes that's right yeah lucky she wasn't my mum but you had a chocolate shop in woodbridge les chocolate belge wow that's what it was called i love that yes went to went to belgium to get chocolate it was quite fancy chocolate shop it sounds it i and i um spent every day after school in the chocolate shop, hence my love of air conditioning,

because it had to be kept cool because chocolates didn't have preservatives.

And I packed up boxes of chocolates to the extent that I would rebel by buying Cadbury's, which my mum would find unbelievable.

Why would you buy Cadbury's mini egg when, you know, you've got two bells with chocolate chocolate?

Often it was too rich.

Sure.

But that's a...

Yeah, so you can't knock them back, can you?

No, you can't slam a load of violet creams without having to pay the consequences.

consequences what a way to rebel yeah bought some mini eggs month yeah bad luck just yeah just had a curly whirly which

your quality belgian chocolate that's exciting yeah that is really exciting i mean yeah was there like a star of the show at the belgian chocolate shop pralines were the workhorse i'd say of the entire shop chocolate pralene yeah easter is a big that's a big time in the chocolate trade uh-huh that's really that's christmas yeah easter's christmas christmas is christmas is

kind of like Easter.

Christmas is still Christmas, but Easter's like Christmas plus.

So, yes, Easter was a very tense time.

And every year, my mum would always say, I think I've bought too many chocolates.

She always had a pattern, she went, but I bought far too many chocolates.

And at the end, she'd go, I should have bought more chocolates.

I always found it quite a disturbing pattern.

Would she go over and get them herself and bring them back?

It was more sort of sourcing, tasting, seeing the developments, what was new on the chocolate scene.

Well,

she said.

Did you ever go to Belgium with her?

I didn't.

No, I was too young.

I'm still too young to go to Belgium.

I think you really need to be mature to go to Belgium.

One day.

Did your friends get excited that you had a chocolate show?

It's just, you know, it's not children's chocolate, Belgian chocolate.

It's just quite, it just feels sort of...

fussy.

It was quite old-fashioned.

It was sort of, I'd say the mean age of customer was 60.

It was a lot of sort of treats at the end of the week.

And expensive, right?

Why is expensive?

When you're sold by weight, yes.

When you're a kid, you don't want to, like, even, I wasn't even going into like Thornton's.

No, no.

You just want to have a lot of stuff.

If you don't go into Thornton's, it looks like a gift shop.

It looks like adult business in there.

This is pre-I've got so many questions.

It's pre-breakfast.

It's almost like a charcuterie of chocolates.

Yes.

I've got so many questions.

It's pre-breakfast.

I'm so excited.

Because

if one of my friends at school had a chocolate shop, yeah man I'd have been there all the time well so would your dad so would my dad my dad would be like

no it wasn't I never really saw children come in and was this like pre-salt in chocolate and stuff oh yes this wasn't all of that kind of uh business and I have to say that the the chocolates well I don't have to say I'm choosing to say let's have some autonomy I'm choosing to say that the chocolates were excellent yeah so much so that I can't really eat any chocolate now without without having a slight snobby

reaction.

I'm just going, it's fine.

It's the closest I'll get to be a sommelier.

I can, I do have quite a refined chocolate palate.

I'm jealous, man.

Yeah.

This is great.

Excellent milk chocolate.

Very hard to do milk chocolate without it having a sort of chemically

aftertaste.

It's got to be fresh.

You can't have preservatives.

Unless you're buying chocolate from a refrigerated outlet, forget it.

Forget it.

Okay, it's like UHT milk.

yeah that's basically what you're dealing with so let me say that if any if people take anything away from today

it I hope it's that

let's have a sort of a pyramid yeah of Scotch like a Ferrero Roche pyramid that's got checks yeah thank you yeah and and somebody comes in yeah and says what's the catchphrase oh the ambassadors always

see

that

the catchphrase what is it um uh uh hang on Oh,

what is it?

Well, the ambassador is always delighted to see you or something.

That sounds wrong.

Really lame catchphrase.

What is it?

Oh, the ambassador's reception is always...

Something about the ambassador's reception.

Go on.

Was it voiceover or was it actually somebody speaking?

I think it was a voiceover, wasn't it?

The ambassador's receptions were always highly talked about.

Something like that.

And then someone would come in and say, The Ambassador is always pleased to see you.

It wasn't that, was it?

No, it wasn't even.

It was close enough.

It was.

Do you know?

Our ambassador with these Ferreira Rusches should have really spoiled it.

Oh,

oh, James.

Oh, God, of course it is.

That really annoys me.

No, I think you're pretty close with the Ambassador who's always very happy to see you here.

What is it again, James?

Ambassador's receptions were always highly talked about.

What was our ambassador with his Ferrero Rochester?

You're really spoiled it, though.

That's exactly it.

Our ambassador with his Scotch eggs, you are really spoiling us.

There you go.

Yeah, it's the spoiling us, isn't it?

That's the key.

I've got three brothers and three sisters.

And it'd be Kay, who's four years older than me, Sharon and Paul, and sugar and water, sugar sandwiches with butter.

And then we'd wrap that in newspaper and put this.

It was all fields around here, but we'd go off and have an adventure.

So, yeah, still water, please.

You must have been absolutely buzzing off your head.

Yeah, we're off the hill.

Do you remember?

I don't remember.

Do you remember playing?

Do you remember when you're, I'm playing?

Do you remember that?

What was that?

It went on for hours and nothing really happened.

Yeah, I'm playing.

We're playing.

And it was going.

What were the games?

You know, if you look at books and you read American, you know, rite of passage books, when they go out and play, it's always quite structured.

They're always playing baseball or something.

In Britain, we did kick the can and hide and seek.

And we climbed trees and we ran around

because of all the sugar.

Yeah.

We used to run to our mates' house.

Stop playing.

Yes.

And then you'd just run to somebody else.

It wasn't actually playing.

Unless there was a ball or a cricket bat or something.

I love the sugar water thing.

Sugar water, sugar sandwiches.

Yeah, sugar sandwiches were dope.

Have you ever had one?

No.

It's really nice.

But

the butter and the sugar is a thing.

Yeah, yeah.

It's just a good sort of like a nice paste, like a fondant sort of thing.

Yeah, it's delicious.

It's kind of, mmm, okay.

It's delicious.

Sugar, butter, white bread.

White bread was a thing.

We had a lot of white bread, yeah, wasn't the bread, which is sugar, basically.

But you don't eat, we don't really, it's you know, sourdough now and rye bread.

We don't do that anymore.

But white bread was a thing and grew up with that.

Sour bread, tap water, lots of sugar in everything.

Yeah, we're all diabetic, and nobody cares.

Nobody cares.

I'm diabetic.

We're type two, nobody cares.

Get over yourself, have a party.

Ed's type one, so he's looking down on the immediately.

I'm the best one.

What adventures would you go on?

Well, we'd go when you had a bike, did you do this?

We had six bikes with your mates and you just go somewhere and you didn't know where you were going.

You'd try to not be on the main road because you might get killed, but you'd go off the main road and go to a canal or there'd be a hill or something.

So we'd go all around Dudley.

The Tipton to Netherton Canal was a good place to go because it was just shopping trolleys in the water and puppies trying to swim after they'd been chucked in

and

rescuing nearly dead puppies from the canal, eating sugar sandwiches and talking a lot and trying not to get pushed in the water by your friends.

That was a big thing.

Your mates pushing you in the water because that was funny.

So there was a lot of that going on.

And then as you got older, the adventures were one of you could drive.

Yeah.

And so they'd borrow a dad's car and you'd go for miles and just maybe go to a pub and drink underage or just go for lots of driving.

And there was that exploratory, because I never had a car i never had any money but my mom told me and this is in the book to hint to you must integrate with the dodly people then go out there try not to box anybody down eat their food and get on with people otherwise you won't fit in so the whole fitting in thing meant having white friends because it wasn't really a thing in my house of friendship because we had the family there's like seven of us so didn't really need friends but going out and integrating meant meeting white people and hanging out with them going to their houses.

So when I met Greg and Mac and Tom, who were my best friends in the world, who were brilliant, a bit older than me, went to grammar schools, suddenly I had a different perspective on life.

I listened to different types of music.

You know, Mac

introduced me to John Peel and Tyrannosaurus Rex and Emmerson Lake and Palmer.

And Greg listened to Dylan and the Beatles and Simon and Garfunkel and stuff.

And, you know, Tom liked Genesis and things like that.

So I was listening to different music.

I was eating different things, ham, egg and chips, pay and chips, Scottish egg and everything with chips.

And then I'd go go home and have my dinner because I'd never always hungry.

So

I had this weird

life of trying to integrate trying to assimilate into British culture and it was it was an adventure.

And so our adventures were different to earlier adventures.

Our adventures were going to discos and driving everywhere and going to these pubs where people say we don't get many darkies in here.

And we've got one now.

Oliver Shandy, please.

And Greg tells a story about us going on this big adventure to this pub, scotch egg crisps, pickled onions, scratchings, scratchings.

And Greg said, we went in and I went to the jukebox and quite a lot of people walked out of the pub because I was the only black guy in the pub.

And when I turned around from the jukebox and I'd probably put Slade on or the roubettes or something, the pub was empty.

So we had it to ourselves.

And he said that happened a lot.

And so...

I had to deal with that.

Once I was on the telly, it was different.

Everybody wanted to be near the kid who was on the telly.

But when I was was just this black kid in ill-fitting flares and a tank top, there was a real thing in the Midlands of, you know, what's he doing here kind of thing.

But we overcame that.

And because these guys were, honestly, they were brilliant.

They drove me everywhere.

They lent me money.

They were kind.

I suddenly had this bigger idea of who I was and what I was going to do.

And I don't know if you had mates who made,

they definitely said I was funny.

They're definitely, you're funny, you are, you should do something with that.

And made me think, like, oh, okay, I could be on stage.

I could do that.

They made me go on stage.

Right.

Did you have friends like that?

No, I was too much of a

show-off in my friendship group that they were like, well, he's going to do that anyway.

That's completely enough.

That's not encouraging me.

Yeah, yeah.

They tried to get me to play it down, definitely.

Really?

Calm down.

Just keep it.

You're doing impressions amongst them and stuff like that where they like.

Yeah, you could do a crap impressions too.

I'm not saying I was any good, but I did impressions of anything I saw on the telly.

Anything I heard on the radio.

So there was a lot of,

somebody called Adrian Just used to play the goons a lot.

So I was always doing, oh, I know, I was doing that voice a lot.

I was doing anything Dave Allen did, I loved.

The idea of just sitting there and telling stories was quite focused, and I quite liked that.

And Dave Allen was kind of cool.

He had that kind of black suit, white shirt, black tie thing, cigarette, glass of whiskey, telling stories and being kind of...

I don't care if you laugh or not kind of thing.

And I thought, oh, that's interesting.

And then Benny Hill.

Everybody loved Benny Hill at my school.

Pythons.

Pythons were weird because in my family, we laughed at the cartoons.

We liked Terry Gilliam stuff.

We kind of like global hide and seek and the Spanish Inquisition.

But I remember my mum, it was quite rude, but laughing at the Terry Gilliam cartoons.

And so I kind of had a really good sense of what visual humor was.

And so I noticed when Terry Gilliam did the credits for the Marty Feldman show, I thought, oh, that's Terry Gilliam.

I knew who Terry Gilliam was.

And I kind of started to recognise writing, who'd written things.

So this was stuff I hadn't been taught or anything.

I hadn't been to college to learn this.

I just, I knew that that might be a John Junkin joke or a Barry Cryer joke or something, which is why you watched Kenny Everett.

And I started to be interested in who'd written it.

Not just Kenny, because I thought, oh, Kenny's just mad and funny anyway, but, oh, yeah, Barry Cryer and Ray, who's that?

And who are these people?

So, you know.

I definitely wasn't thinking what my mates were thinking.

Plus, I was writing jokes down.

Oh, okay.

I don't know if you did that, but I was writing things down.

And that was...

From things that you were seeing.

I was writing down things I was seeing.

I was writing comments about them.

I was writing how that might work if I did it.

It was a weird early attempt at craft, I think, of

thinking about why some jokes work.

So I kind of had a thing where I was thinking all the time about types of humor.

And I didn't write, never wrote, never, you know, when I was in a writing room eating sandwiches and people were saying, you should do this, Len, I had lots of energy, but I didn't actually write things down I'd kind of have energy in the room yeah which is writing by the way but it wasn't seen as writing started to get a credit near the end of Three of a Kind and the Lenny Henry show I started to get a writing credit then because people realized that I was writing but it was tricky so writing the books has been a release a huge release of just me in my pants with Jamie Dodgers and

full sugar coke

just writing on my own and listening to very loud music run the jewels and very and like cake and a computer is everything.

Great.

So that's what I got COVID from.

Run the jewels gig, did you?

Really?

Yeah, I definitely got COVID at that run the jewels gig.

Well, yeah,

I tested positive enough days after that, that's the incubation period.

I'm pretty sure.

Was it a big gig?

Was it a lot of people in British Academy?

They're kind of mad run the jewels.

I don't quite understand it, but they are very good.

I think their kind of sense of percussion in terms of the words and what they're talking about, particularly on the last album, which is all about gun crime and stuff.

Brilliant, really brilliant.

And Killer Mike's, when Killer Mike got up to make that speech after George Floyd died, it reduced me to tears.

Mainly because I thought, A, I wouldn't like it if Killer Mike stood on my foot.

Have you seen how big he is?

But also because

people in his family are connected to law enforcement.

And he just talked about...

The idea that not all law enforcement is evil, that we've got to find some way to work together.

This should not have happened.

You know, it was so moving.

I just thought, God, you're great.

And you write funny and witty and very potent lyrics too.

They are so funny.

Like, I was at that gig as well.

Did you get COVID?

No, I was in the seating area.

No,

I was a VIP.

I was upstairs.

I was like, I was all out of lateral flavour.

And normally I stand at gigs, but

that's the first time I've sat down and thought, actually, this is way better.

How can you dance, though, if you're stuck in that seat?

Just wiggle around and wiggle it.

Wiggle in your seat.

You're a seat wiggler.

Me too.

I like seat wiggling.

I can't beat.

I saw Chris Rock and i sat quite near the front and i was a bit

people snogging and eating sandwiches around him

i would much rather have been in vip

standing there and looking over people's heads and goes this is rather funny he's talking about tottenham how does he know about tottenham

you're going to you're going to go to iceland uh i don't think so because i was i went there during city bakes i did the series called city bakes where travelled all over the place Went to Iceland and we bade this bread, which we buried in the volcanic sort of heated waters and we left that for 24 hours then the guys took me to their pub to try shark and it and it was that fermented shark

and i was like what he said you've got to try it to delicacy and i went what so

and you you

everyone in the everyone in the pub left

he doesn't seem to understand he just keeps saying what

they all left the pub and literally they're all outside looking through the glasses at the bar with this barman he gave me this container he says it's in the container so i opened up it was like one of you know these Russian dolls.

Yeah.

Eventually, it got through to this little pot, and I opened it up, and I went, That doesn't smell all right.

It literally takes about a minute for it to hit your nostrils.

I had a little bit and in the mouth,

it's a bit like a crap stick.

But then within 10 seconds, the ammonia burns your nose and the smell.

Oh, geez.

Literally, it took the pub about three days to clear it.

So, why it was worth it for the prank?

Why have they got it then?

They don't waste food, they don't waste.

I mean,

in Iceland, I had meringues made with sheep's blood.

Wow.

They don't waste the blood.

And if you emulsify blood with sugar, it actually emulsifies and you can make meringues with it.

Wow.

So they made these grey meringues.

And he said, try its meringue.

It didn't tell me what was in it.

So I tried it.

And I went, that's really unusual.

It tastes good though.

So it's made with blood.

What?

Really?

And they're like, I was the what guys turned up.

Saying it again.

I gave him a blood meringue.

Guess what he said?

What would you do if someone turned up on Bakehoff and made sheep's blood meringue?

It would taste great.

Yeah.

I mean, it wouldn't be on Vegan Week, but I mean,

it did taste like, but they don't waste anything.

You know, if you're going to eat an animal, you know, they don't waste anything.

The eyeballs, the whole thing, tripe.

I mean, they eat everything.

And you think, fair play, they're not going to waste everything.

Okay, that was the survival thing in Iceland.

Yeah.

That's what they mean.

Probably not.

Meringues.

Yeah, I was going to say,

we need some meringue.

And we've got nothing to eat.

Let's make a meringue.

Have we got any cream?

You brought up meringue and cream, and I thought about asking you about baked Alaska gate, but you know, that was.

I'm sure you've moved on from that.

We asked Sue Perkins about it when she was on the pod.

Oh, yeah.

She talked about it for a bit.

It was bad there.

I know you're all probably still obsessed with Baked Alaska Gate.

Yeah, we are obsessed with when he threw the Baked Alaska in the bin.

Well, he did throw it away.

And the problem is,

we were upset when he threw it away.

Sue came running over to me.

I was in the green room.

Ian, he said, He's just throwing his baked Alaska in the bin.

I went, What?

Of course you said that.

So I

I came back and I went have you been doing he said oh it was a mess

basically his ice cream was never gonna set yeah and I think it was Diane uh was there Diane had opened up the fridge or moved somewhere out the fridge but it's literally out for a minute so his recipe was essentially wrong anyway but the fact is he threw everything away we had nothing to judge and what does that tell you know for the kids watching it what it means is if you throw a hissy fit and chuck everything in the bin you're still gonna do all right that's not what we were trying to say so hence him leaving, yeah.

I mean, because you are like, if even if it showed up like a complete soup, like James, Jameses did, you will still taste it and go, I see what you were going for, and that was the flavor you were going for.

But even it was just a meringue, yeah.

All the ice cream are gone, at least we're eating something, yeah.

But to do nothing and just have a fit and throw it in a bin is probably not the best thing I felt for it.

I think he regrets that, to be honest, I'm sure.

Okay, what though?

His sister now has a Baked Alaska business on his stage, it's going really well.

She really thrived over lockdown.

I have three,

Let me look at my...

No, yes, three oyster-related stories.

Each of them involving a famous person.

Oh, this is a good thing.

Now, for a food podcast, I mean, this is man from heaven.

This is falling into our laps here.

Okay, so Tom Jones, James Corden, Dale Winton.

You choose the order.

Who are we starting with?

I personally would like to go...

I'm asking you for your starter now.

Hang on, should we say?

You will choose the same.

Same time, right.

Okay, so it's going from

first to last.

Ready?

One, two, three.

Gordon, Jones, Winter.

You were, you were together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good lord.

So, James, okay.

The second time, I went back to do a second series of this show in Australian, Sydney, and it was the same time that James was touring the world with the History Boys at the National Theatre, and the same time that he and Ruth were getting Gavin and Stacey together, and they'd given me the script and asked me to play Uncle Bryn.

And I was reticent because I thought he's quite similar to Keith Barrett in that he's a naive, well-meaning Welshman.

And I still harbored ambitions to be Robert De Nero at that stage.

And I thought, well, I can't just keep on doing this thing.

Hey, turns out you can.

So I was undecided.

So we meet up one day, he and I, at the beach at Manly, and we chatty, chat, chat.

And I thought, but the oyster thing was I took him out for lunch.

There's a lovely restaurant in Rose Bay.

called Catalina.

And from there, you see

the seaplanes landing and taking off.

It's so gorgeous.

And I take him there, and I'm really on my oyster kick by now.

I'm Mr.

Oyster.

And I say to James, we've got to have oysters.

Because James, while now is who he is, he was this very provincial kid from High Wickham.

You know, oh, you know, like that.

You know what?

I said, you want some oysters?

Oh, I've never had an oyster.

And I said, well, he goes, oh, I don't know, Bobby.

He calls me Bobby.

I'm not sure.

I said, well, come away, we have some oysters.

So he would only have it.

You know, you can get those deep-fried oysters.

So he would settle for for that.

Well, okay, it's something.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

He tried.

He tried a normal one.

So he has it right.

It's all there ready to go.

Put some vinaigrette on it, right?

And he sits there, right?

The man who would conquer the world.

But this is before that.

And he sits there and he looks nervous and he goes and he tips it up, put it into his mouth, and he keeps it in his mouth, right?

And then you look at his face.

And of course, he's a wonderful actor, but this was all real, but he's showing you everything.

So he's sat in it and he looks terrified, right?

Terrified.

And he's like this.

But then he starts to get a sense of the flavours.

Oh, it's quite nice.

So then he goes,

and his face is changing.

And he starts to sort of chew a little.

And he's about to swallow when the weather changes in his mind.

Oh, no, he doesn't like this.

And the fear comes back.

And he goes,

and he spits it out into a napkin.

Oh, no.

At that point, did you look at that and think, this guy's going to conquer the world?

I thought, this provincial bozo is going nowhere

this small town sam he ain't gonna amount to nothing

so tom jones

please when we did islands in the stream number one thank you very much um for comic relief yes it's a novelty record but i don't like to think of it that way um we went for a dinner me claire james ruth tom

sons

in this one

he makes a cameo in this yeah he was there yeah so so we go for dinner at the sort of chef's table at Corrigan's restaurant, which is in Mayfair.

And if you ever spend time around Tom Jones, he is the ultimate alpha male.

And they order what you want for starting.

He goes, I love oysters.

Right.

And we think, well, how many?

Well, I would never have more than six oysters.

I love a dozen.

Good God, a dozen oysters?

I mean, good, that's a lot of oysters, right?

That's why it's so potent.

Yeah,

yeah.

And I'll never forget.

You know, you know, you get the section of lemon in muslin, muslin.

So he gets it, and it was just the way he squeezed the lemon over the 12 oysters was one of the most manly things.

You know, what's that flight of the Concords line?

I'm so prone to all the women in the front row got pregnant.

I mean, it's like that.

I would have recommended pregnancy tests for those because it was so, as he did it, I was watching him and I kind of went,

it was just, you know, because he's from another era.

I mean, he's super successful, not in this era, but you know what I mean?

He comes from another time, doesn't he?

I know it was amazing.

So that's my second.

So when he revealed the lemon after he'd squeezed it, did it look like it'd been through a juice?

Nothing left.

There's nothing left.

That lemon was done.

When Tom Jones is shucking the oysters, is he like...

doing some of his trademark you know noises in between the oysters

it's a lovely thought isn't it you know what it would you like me to imagine what that would sound like?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm going to,

I'm going to, I'm going to eat the oyster, you know, with my mouth.

And you go,

exactly.

Yeah.

Right.

Tastes, it tastes good.

As if good is an exotic word.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that's.

Shucking doesn't mean just eating, by the way.

Shucking is the opening, though.

Yeah, yeah.

Shucking is open.

They were already shucked.

They were shucked.

Although he could shuck them himself with his bare hands.

He probably did them with his teeth, He could open them with his teeth.

Wow.

Yeah.

So that was him.

And then the Dale one, lovely Dale Winton, no longer with us.

There was a New Year's Eve some years ago.

And we had Dale, who I got to know a little bit.

I ended up doing a few things with him.

And David Walliams came, because they were big friends, came for New Year's Eve dinner at the house.

And the wonderful housekeeper, they brought presents for the boys and everything.

They're all charming and everything.

And we had oysters and we prepared the oysters.

And Dale Dale went, oh, oh no, I've never had an oyster.

He never had, we've all had oysters in this room.

He'd never had an oyster.

You sort of assume that once somebody is enjoying the fruits of their labors, that they're going to broaden there and they'll have been in a situation where, you know, as I say, I didn't until I was 35, 36, 37.

Anyway, never.

And so I gave Dale his first oyster

and he liked it.

I suppose he spent a lot of time in that supermarket.

I'm not sure they had oysters in there, did they?

I've never made that connection.

That's funny.

I've never made that connection.

Yeah, supermarkets.

So there we are.

Those are my three.

And in many ways, they're in descending order of entertainment, aren't they, as we've discovered?

Let's get on to your dream side dish.

You've got all this lovely seafood barbecue seafood platter.

What are you having on the side?

Big tub of homemade mayonnaise.

Which I've already mentioned.

That's a side.

The side of the big tub of mayonnaise.

Don't need anything else.

Absolutely fair enough.

Tub of mayonnaise.

Big tub of mayonnaise are stinking in the sun.

I just thought there's something so luxurious and then just quite sort of carnal as well of like getting a big bit of lobster and taking a whole lobster out of the shell and then dunking it into that big bowl of lemon mayonnaise, just dunking it in, mould and salt sprinkled on top of it and then stuffed it.

I've got a bag of it in my pocket which I keep with me at all times.

Molden salt.

Oh fuck the mayonnaise.

What is the lemon mayonnaise I think you had a bag of?

No, because

just for the listener, that is a uh that bag, what's that made of, the bag?

What material?

Oh it's a calico bag with a union jacket.

It has a union jack on it that's full of salt that you always carry around in your pocket.

Everywhere because any restaurant, anybody's house that I've ever been into, they say, oh no, no, it's all sorted in advance.

You go, no, believe me, it never has enough for me.

When you were checked at Barber's Treisand, was the bag of salt in your pocket?

It was, yeah.

That's great.

It was, because we'd just been at the governor's ball dinner.

And so, yes, it was there.

Wonderful.

It was there all night long.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I love that.

There's some place if you walk in and say you've got a bag of salt in your pocket, they're going to really misinterpret what you mean by that, Richard.

Let's just show a bit circle.

Yeah, well, I've been through the airport, you know, hand luggage, and you have to explain what these white crystals are in there.

But I should have shares in Molden Salt, honestly.

Molden's gold standard stuff.

Gold standard.

We've both really got into Hallen Mon as well, which is a fantastic Welsh salt.

Oh, I don't know about that.

I'm not going to that, Richard.

Yeah, it's very, very good.

I don't know how dedicated you are to the Molden brand, but how do you do that?

Oh, completely.

Yeah.

I should have shares in it, the amount of money I've spent on it.

What's the one?

Welsh one is called what?

Hallen Mon.

Helen Mon.

Can you say that with a Welsh accent?

No.

No, I need a coach.

Okay.

Let me get on the floor, boy.

Let me get on the floor and I can do it for you.

We love to hear from the National Treasures, James, but the other people we like to hear from are the crazy characters that we introduce people to.

Here are some crazy characters.

We've got Grandma Crunch, the Robin Hood crew, and everyone's favourite waitress.

You want that jumbo?

Here's Flob and Joan, Tamman Edgerton, and Claudia Jesse.

I'm not really a cereal boy.

I find, because I'm type one diabetic, they can be too sugary sometimes.

But you don't know this about me.

I found a new type of cereal that's for health people.

I don't know this.

Which is like a protein cereal, but very low in sugar.

And it's called Grandma Crunch.

I think that's the bleakest thing I've ever heard.

How long have you resisted telling me that because you wanted to save it for the podcast?

I've been been eating it for a couple of months now, and every time I eat it, I think I can't wait to tell James about Grandma Crunch.

I imagine

the front of that box is

it looks like Tony the Tiger, but it's a grandma.

She's absolutely hateful.

Cartoon Grandma.

If there's a grandma on the front of the cartoon grandma, yeah, Grandma Crunch.

Grandmas are famously hurtling towards death.

Why would you want to grab your cereal as something that you will die soon?

Grandma Crunch?

No grandma wants to hear a crunch.

No.

Maybe that's the tagline of no grandma wants to hear a crunch.

Yeah.

Except for in her cereals.

The only crunch a grandma needs to hear.

What kind of a cereal is grandma crunch?

Well, there's a range of flavours.

I've only tried the peanut butter brownie one, but I mean,

it tastes of nothing.

It doesn't really taste of peanut butter.

Or brownies.

Yeah, and they sort of, because they're like, it's like six grams of sugar per bowl or something.

So you bite in and it's like weird.

Oh, it's quite meaty.

No, they're balls.

Oh, little balls.

I was not expecting that.

Well, you're expecting the flakes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I associate flakes with old people.

So, like, of course, yeah.

Yeah.

Balls feels like quite

a young cereal.

Yeah, I feel like

golden nuggets and stuff like that.

Well, look, Grandma Crunch is a jazzy lady, you know?

She's young at heart.

Yeah, exactly.

She's got glasses, Grandma Crunch, or she's the last one.

I think from memory, yeah, I think she's got glasses.

I've not spent a huge amount of time looking at Grandma Crunch.

Well.

I also imagine she's got like a little pirate hat and like a pirate sword, just because there's something about the word crunch that makes me think that they're like

Captain Crunch.

I guess maybe she's captain crunch's grandma grandma yeah yeah

or captain crunch's wife but was you know wife when captain crunch was big and now she's grandma yeah well but i mean he would have called her grandma crunch

i don't know that goes into she might be branding it herself he might not be involved so her main thing about herself is that she's she your main identifies as a grandma yeah at the time though when captain crunch was big she would identify as mrs crunch mrs crunch yeah mrs crunch's wife but now she's in her old age she's grandma crunch grandma crunch i'm sure and he'll be Grandpa Crunch.

Captain Crunch is Grandpa Crunch.

Yeah.

I don't think if you're a captain, though, you never lose that title, right?

So I think you probably keep that.

You always keep that.

You're always more than that.

I think he's more likely to call himself Captain Grandpa.

Captain Grandpa.

I would eat cereal called Captain Grandpa.

That would make me feel like I was ready for the day.

Yeah.

What kind of cereal would Captain Grandpa be?

Just the dust.

Hopefully, yeah, just us.

If I had it my way.

I always wonder, actually,

when I listen to this show,

who the other guests are.

Well, this is up to you.

Look, This is your dream meal.

If you want to be eating alone, fine.

If you want other guests in there, fine.

Well, I sort of always imagine that it's kind of like the background cast of the movie Disney's Robin Hood.

You know, sort of animals dressed up in kind of, you know, medieval costumes, having larks.

But the background cast, you don't want the main players.

Absolutely not.

I don't want anyone to pull focus.

Background cast of the animated Robin Hood, who are animals dressed

and they're all doing

slightly the same thing over and over again, you know?

The same sort of action on feed in the hope that you won't miss.

You're such an actor that you have extras in the restaurant so no one pulls focus.

No other stars in here, please.

Yeah, yeah.

No foxes.

I know a few stars that you wouldn't invite to dinner.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Helena Boncarter.

Daniel Radcliffe.

Gary Newman.

Yeah.

Gary Newman.

Gary Newman was not in any of the Harry Potter franchise films.

But they would all ruin it for you, wouldn't they?

They'd turn up and tell you what happens at the end of Order of the Phoenix.

I suppose so.

Yeah, yeah, so you can't risk it.

You can't risk that.

What specific animal?

Do you need any specific background animals?

It makes me think of...

I think of a...

perhaps like an alligator blowing a long trumpet yeah okay that conjure an image and that's not going to pull focus yeah that's gonna come on

drown out the conjunction of the popadums at least no because i've

are you pre-arranging with the alligator?

I was going to get him to mine.

I was going to get him to mine.

But actually, what I might do is get him to toot every time I crunch a poppa dump.

That's a great idea, yeah.

That's a really good idea.

That would work in so many situations.

What if you had an alligator following your animal?

Yeah, with a toot.

Whenever you farted, mate.

Whenever you farted or like in some Japanese toilets, you can play music that's supposed to cover up the sound of you going to the toilet if you're like any line of cubicles.

Wow.

So instead, you could take the alligator to...

Well, what would you you do?

Would you give him a signal?

Would you give him a wink?

I think he'd

know.

He's got to be watching.

He's got to have his eye on that.

I think he's in the case of the.

Well that's what he's being paid for.

Are you paying him or is he you must be paying him?

Not initially.

Right.

And we'll see how he does.

So he has a sort of phase where he's...

What's his motivation for doing it in the first place?

Not initially.

How's he earning a living?

It's not a good job he's not getting bloody paid, is it?

He does a good job, but not paying him.

But my worth, I'm going to get paid for this.

Yeah.

Alligators are living creatures too as well, you know.

Yeah, all right, fine.

Yeah.

All right, I'll give him a quid or something.

A quid for every trump.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, that's a lot of money, actually.

Yeah.

If you've ever been around Ed.

Most of the editing Benny has to do is getting rid of Ed's fatalness.

Every time it cuts to the little music in between the sections.

That's a fart.

Yeah.

There's no editing there.

That's just, we're still sat here and I've just done a really long fart.

Also, Ed's farts are extra loud because every time he does them, he goes, oh!

Like that as well.

He goes, oh!

Yeah, because they're second by surprise.

I'm always scared by them.

Yeah, and he gets really surprised by them, don't you?

Surprised and slightly excited by

sensation.

Every time it's a new sensation, yeah.

So the allegator, actually, I'd have to pay the alligator quite a lot of money, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

This would be a lot of work.

Yeah.

If I had a quid every time, I'd gamble fasted.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'd be an alligator with a drum.

There's also a place called Veggie Corner in Coventry.

It's number four.

Oh, gosh, in Coventry.

So the fourth one on the list is a veggie place.

I'm in Coventry on Saturday watching QPR play Coventry.

Well, you might want to go to Veggie Corner and get the best veggie battered sausage that you could get.

And it's number four on a list of over 4,000, nearly five.

Oh, my goodness.

Benito, have you looked it up?

Veggie Corner?

Does it look legit?

Not only do Veggie Corner do a battered sausage, they also do a vegan jumbo battered sausage as well.

Well, that's gonna be the fucking one, isn't it?

it that's going to be the bloody one do you know what the word jumbo isn't used enough we don't hear it used very much jumbo jet jumbo sausage are the only two i can really think of yeah

what else do you think you could you could you use it for like client like jumbo jumper yeah i would love to wear a jumbo jumper i'd love to have a jumbo bed instead of a king size bed jumbo bed that's good yeah i think all of that would be great like i guess jump do they have like jumbatron oh yeah go to the bottom so like the big screen the big screens at sports games, it's called the jumbatron.

I feel like it would be something like a chain restaurant would do as well.

You know, it was very big to supersize in America on McDonald's.

Maybe there'd be like another burger joint.

They'd be like, You want their jumbo?

Do you want their jumbo?

Do you want their jumbo?

There we go.

You want their jumbo?

You've got that purple.

Slightly nervous waitress absolutely sewn up.

Anything that's not.

Do you want that jumbo?

You want that jumbo?

I just terrified

in the table of mobsters and we're having a meal.

I like that humbling.

I like the gamba gall, please.

You want that jumbo?

That's amazing.

She's great.

She is great.

It can't be noticed if the mobsters were there.

If they're known for just slipping out and killing anyone for whatever reason.

Absolutely.

They might be offended by do you want that jumbo?

And she's worked there for years.

It could be her first day.

It's going to be her first day.

She's being told that's the mob table.

Don't offend them.

You go over there, Sally.

Yeah.

You want their jumbos.

that's got me mumbo jumbo mumbo jumbo mumbo jumbo yeah i mean you know often used i i think by the wrong people in a in a in a rather you know dismissive fashion i think they've taken the word jumbo and they've completely you know maybe that's why people don't use jumbo that much because they've ruined it well what does that mean does that suggest that if you're talking nonsense you're talking mumbo but if you're talking loads of nonsense you're talking mumbo jumbo

yeah

Jumbo.

You want that jump?

He's quiet.

Quieter and quieter every time he's a great jump.

I really like

the nervous waitress who has to ask some mobsters if they wanted a jumbo.

It's a great character.

Whoa, those characters were crazy.

Crazy, but not controversial.

No, because we like to think of ourselves as a gentle, amusing food chat podcast, James.

But we're edgy as hell yeah hey we can't help it every now and again the tabs the lloyds will get on us and try and make stories out of our little innocent interviews about food it's crazy look we're edgy guys but we're not as edgy as jamali maddox he had some hot takes when he came on the podcast about food and drink let's hear them

Like I just I genuinely hate I think it's the worst drink possible that and red wine the two worst drinks

unfortunately we part ways here Jamal.

Oh, we parted ways

a long time ago.

That wasn't the breaking of our friendship, Edge.

No, but I, uh, yeah, yeah, red wine as well missed that.

I find every I've had red wine that is mad expensive

and Bigfoot cheap, and they all taste the same.

It all tastes like butter.

Butter and vinegar.

It all tastes like butter and vinegar.

It is foul.

Yeah, butter and vinegar.

No, no, butter, butter.

Yeah, sorry.

Butter and vinegar.

Oh, yeah, I can't tell why you thought I wasn't saying butter there.

But yeah, but it's all trash.

Yeah.

I hate all red wine, bro.

Oh, that's breaking my head.

You like red wine?

I love red wine.

I like good red.

Good red wine.

I've not changed.

Are you kidding me?

To be fair, it was to be fair.

I've seen you drinking Merlot for a long time still.

Yeah, but I just thought I don't like red wine either.

So I put that up there with my two worsts.

And I tried the whole red wine with the cheese and the red wine with the meat and all trash.

How do you feel about this?

I love a sparkling red wine wow do you know what i i don't i i don't hate that more i don't know why but i don't know why that doesn't i don't hate you hate that as much as sparkling water and red wine actually i think it's weird that you put water in your wine no no no no but as in a sparkling as is sparkling oh sparkling red wine oh that's fine i mean at the at that point i don't care what you do with your nasty

i'm saying red wine's dead i don't care what you do with the car yeah i had i went abroad recently where the local drink was half red wine half coca-cola yeah where'd you you go to the madhouse yeah yeah yeah was you mental that's like calimacho calemacho where is this uh it was in the bass country bilbao i had it in oh okay okay and it was delicious i got really i got really into them yeah

it's just you're not convincing me man i just think about red wine it's just that

and the taste never leaves your mouth yeah yeah because i can drink white wine yeah if you asked me think of the taste of white wine i couldn't think of it but red wine is so implanted in my mind

it's so because i sort of feel like that about some white wine i've changed my mind about it recently but i think because the first white wine I had was so disgusting and so vinegary and so like sharp that that's what stuck with me even when I've had like more approachable white wines.

Drink like rose, yeah.

I could drink a rose.

Whispering Angel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I could bring an angel angel angel.

Love whispering angel.

My favourite drinks are baby sham.

Is it?

Yeah.

You are consistently the most contrary person I've ever met, Jamali.

I drink a baby sham.

You will wait for someone to think, I've got the hang of Jamali.

I'll drink baby shameless.

Love a baby sham.

Love a baby sham.

I only drink baby shams.

I go to like one of them really old school tough pubs and they go, we drink it.

Baby sham.

Baby sham.

Yeah.

Classy battle.

Oh, fuck.

Classy.

That's a very odd brand of Marley people to do.

Everyone's as tough as possible.

I'm going to order that.

Yeah, I want a baby sham.

Battle some cages.

Yeah.

But that baby sham.

That's the one the pile of hate, thy noble.

Yeah, yeah, baby made me.

Yeah, because

this owl is not nice.

El is, well, I can piss off.

But

L, L is gash, isn't it?

Come on

Guinness is overrated

absolutely extreme Ed loves Guinness so much

I did a show in Dublin and I remember I came

yeah yeah but I came on stage with like a Guinness and I went hey and I went

not for me just put it down the rest of the gig and I was like what is this bro it just tastes like metal

from dead drink fan lovely nah you're mad.

So you go for still water then?

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, still water.

Sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, still water.

Like, because really, there's only a couple variations of the same thing.

Like, noodles is pasta.

Do you know what I'm saying?

No?

Like, it's the same thing.

So it's like, for me, there's only so many variations of the same thing.

Yeah, you think all red wine tastes the same.

That's facts.

So noodles is pasta.

So if you...

Noodles is pasta.

Couscous is rice.

Why are we fucking around?

If you went for a ramen and they brought it and it was full of fusili, you'd be all right with that, would you?

Yeah, same thing.

Okay.

So you'd be okay.

But do you know what?

Even though once you made people bring up some sauces you weren't going to eat, you'd be fine with someone bringing the long pasta.

Do you know what?

At first, I'll be mad, and then I'd have respect for him because you know what?

He's doing it his way.

He's a renegade, and I respect that.

I'll go.

And he goes, yeah, this is what he does.

He's a pasta.

And I go, all right.

I vibe with it.

Agree with that guy.

But he can't.

Noodles are a pasta, though, no?

Well, they're a version of the same sort of basic carb, right?

But they they do taste different.

I think they taste different based on the source.

Like, if I gave you noodles,

and I banged some carbonara sauce on that, I think you wouldn't know.

You wouldn't know?

No.

Okay, I've had a very similar dish to that, and you do know.

Oh, you do.

At a restaurant called Nishi in New York, which is David Chang restaurant.

I think it was like udon, but with like a sort of carbonara-y sauce.

Oh, no, it was cachio pepe, I think.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Like udon.

It was fantastic.

It was nice.

You can tell.

You can tell.

You can tell.

The egg, you think?

They use more egg because it's like egg noodles.

like they were rice noodles So I guess it's a lack of egg noodles So it's not like a pasta with all the eggs.

Yeah yeah yeah it was very it was very good

Yeah, but even like so the point I was making is bread is in my diet enough I'll still grab a naan I'm assuming you meant naan bread when you said bread no any bread.

Oh any bread.

Oh any bread for the start of your meal.

Okay, because poppadoms is only like I guess I'll yeah, I only eat poppadoms at Indian place.

I mean also I guess this is just like anything that you would have at this point in the meal that they bring out before you got your main meal.

So I'd also allow prawn crackers

stuff like that oh yeah i like a prawn cracker too yeah oh do you know i really hate when you go to a restaurant and they bring you out bread lovely piece of bread and then the butter's hard yeah yeah piss off with that yeah yeah you can you can off with that i hate that you've got to give me some nice butter but if it's not like good freshly baked bread now you can't just give me a slice of hovest mate yeah do you know what i mean that you just put a circle in yeah i'm kicking off little back do you know what my favourite bread is when i go harvester oh i'll eat so much bread at harvester i will yeah Yeah, I love that.

Is that freshly baked bread?

Yeah.

In the morning, mate.

You don't think they ain't got bakers waking up cracker door and just to feed your belly and you're just sitting out here disrespecting them.

So you go into harvester in the morning.

Oh, yeah.

But before I eat breakfast, that's why I go.

I go harvester

and I grab bread.

I like harvester.

Harvester's harvester is that thing of that quintessential British thing of eat is shit,

but it's nostalgic.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

It fills you up and it's cheap.

Early bird special, bro.

I was raised on that.

From probably door to door, less than two minutes from a harvester.

And I've lived there for three or so years now.

And I've never been in the harvester.

Really?

Because when I first moved there, all my stuff was in boxing.

And I thought, if I start going to the harvester for my food, I'm just going to go to the harvester all the time.

So I made sure I did it.

It's a slippery slope.

I'm currently in the process of trying to move.

And my plan is the final day, I'm going to go to the harvester for my farewell meal.

Go early bird special and go on the weekend.

Yeah.

bro, you ain't seen white people like you see harvester on that early bird special in the weekend, bro.

That's different white people, because I'm telling you, bro, they bang out early bird special, bro.

And you see, like, old people from the home and that, they come out and they get that, bro.

They stack up on that salad.

Yeah, get them croutons and that.

From the salad, bro.

But they wear their best.

They wear their Sunday best.

Yeah.

You see it, bro.

Wearing their Sunday best and that.

They iron that blue ink t-shirt.

Them Kappa Track suits looking fire, bro.

Thanks, Jamali, for those hot potatoes whoa now we could talk about lots of different food inventions that guests have come up with this year but really only one needs mentioning paul chowdhury

be main course main course yeah

you're talking like this is a new concept to you the main course This is a very difficult...

There's so many to choose from here, you see.

Yeah.

With all the cuisines I've experimented with around the globe.

It depends what mood you're in as well.

And if I'm having a cheat day

with Greg and Russell Howard, it depends what I would go for.

And one of my favorite dishes when I was in Italy, and it was cooked in its natural inhabitant, and as it was supposed to be cooked, which you don't really find in London, was caggia pepper,

yeah.

Which is cooked in a bat

of cheese, which is actually cooked in a bat of cheese, like a massive cheese ball.

And they open it up and they cook it in the cheese bat.

The bat.

Yeah.

What do you mean by bat of cheese?

Like a bat of cheese.

We've not heard this phrase before.

I might be wrong, but I would say like a wheel of cheese.

It's like a batter cheese, isn't it?

A bat of cheese.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah, you haven't heard that expression before.

No.

B-A-T?

Yeah.

No.

A bat of cheese.

Yeah.

Which means what?

Which means like a big lump of cheese.

a bat yeah but you guys do english literature or language yeah yeah

you've never heard that phrase

a bat of cheese no and i'm look i'm sure it i'm sure that's the phrase but i've just never heard it and you presented it because you said it's cooked in a bat and i was like what yeah it's like a a bat of cheese look i'm just going to google bat of cheese no i don't i don't want to google it i think we just leave it we'll let the producer let's have a look if this real

did you mean bag of cheese is what's come up i mean bag of cheese

You meant bag of cheese.

No, bat of cheese.

Let's keep it to just maybe just check that Google.

Is it bat of cheese?

Have you got internet reception?

Yes, he's got internet reception.

And he's Googled bat of cheese, and all that's come up is, did you mean bag of cheese?

Well, this was in Rome.

He's on Google in the UK.

He's on UK, so if he was Italian Google, it would say, yes, that's what we cooked.

Can you put that in a peck?

Can you see bat of cheese?

Can you write bat of cheese in Italian?

Bat of cheese, Italy.

Google that.

No, no, write it in Italian, dude.

We're gone, Google Translate.

Bat of cheese into Google Translate.

Should be like Wheel of Cheese, like a whole

wheel of fortune.

Pipostrello di Firmagio, is that what you just put?

What's coming up?

Let me have a look.

What has come up when you put Pipistrello di Firmaggio into Google is from what I can make out, a little canopy, which is a rolled-up ball of cheese.

which has been dyed black and they've stuck olives for eyes and big tortilla chips in it for ears so they look like bats.

that's the main google thing if you google that bat of cheese in italian it comes up with a halloween uh novelty snack that you would serve up to guests when they arrive where they've made balls of cheese look like bats by putting tortilla chips in the ears

that's the main course

It says pipostrelli de Halloween.

So do you want pipistrelli de Halloween for your main course?

Well, I've said bat of cheese.

Yeah, so that's what you're going to have.

Pipistrelli de Halloween.

That's your main course.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The catch a pepe is gone now.

Well, and the catcher pepe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you wouldn't like pipistrelli de Halloween as well.

Yeah.

Perfect.

Yeah.

There you go.

Do you like bats as an animal?

No.

No.

Quick as you've answered a question.

I'm not a big fan of bats.

Don't like them.

But I do like a bat of cheese.

Yeah.

Yeah, you like a bat of cheese.

Yeah, a pipistrelli.

A pipistrelli de Halloween?

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Thanks, Paul.

You're mad.

And I'm looking at what we have to talk about next, and I'm not liking it one bit.

Yeah, James, this is going to be pretty controversial, man.

This is about Bakoff.

We have been trying to compile the Bakoff cinematic universe surrounding your appearance, and we really, really got stuck in this year.

It was a hot topic.

It was a hot topic, and we got some.

Do you know what?

We got some perspectives this year that changed how I viewed that day.

There was some things that I didn't know took place,

and

also just ways that certain people felt about it that I wasn't aware of.

Yeah, we got Paul Hollywood, Nadia Hussein, and Ryland Clark all talking about Bake Off.

Welcome, Paul, to the Dream Restaurant.

I like it.

You ruined my fucking life!

Now, James, that's not how you introduce the guest, is it?

I'm scared.

Can I leave?

Sorry, I've evaporated

out of the lamp

in a bit of a mood.

Sorry, Paul.

You've got an angry genie today.

Sorry, Paul.

Ruined my life.

James, give Paul a proper introduction.

Welcome to the Dream Restaurant.

I've been speaking for some time.

I can't remember you being in the bake-off tent, James.

What?

It's all I hear.

Noon till night.

Noon till night.

Did you get a handshake?

Did you get a handshake?

No.

No.

Not even off-camera.

You're very...

This is what the listeners don't know, is that off-camera, you're very stingy with that, because you're like, you know that your handshake means something.

So you're like, no, no, no, no, no.

So you don't get it.

Not with us.

Not with our book that was on.

What?

It was handshakes all day.

Handshakes all day.

I think everybody got it.

I was too cocky, maybe.

I don't know what it was.

I didn't get no handshake.

It was...

I'll tell you what.

I didn't get a a handshake for my bakes

do you remember what you did on your sick what you sick that you make what did you do what are we talking about

he's playing double me james you're gonna have to have a normal conversation at some point during this episode

i can't remember what i did it's just like someone murdered my family and it's just like oh what i've murdered so many people i can't remember but think how many episodes of bake off that paul has done since your episode i did flapjack i did i did a bake well flapjack and it didn't go well uh and and you may have warned me.

How did you screw up that?

Well, you may not remember that it was a flapjack because it certainly didn't look like a flapjack.

This is the most insulting thing.

I love it.

This couldn't have gone any better for me.

You came along and you told me the mix that my mix looked too wet.

And I was all like, haha, that's because it's not baked yet, Paul, you silly Billy.

And then it came out and I couldn't get it to.

It was just a mush.

It was like porridge.

And you tasted it, and to be fair, you told me that the flavour was nice.

Well, bakewell flavour, you you can't go wrong.

Yeah.

But obviously, you know, it was a soup, so it was hard for you to say good flapjack.

And then we had to do cream horns for the technical.

That's right.

Yeah.

No.

That's right.

Do you think that that is unfair?

No.

It's dead easy.

People did.

No, that's not dead easy.

It was a rough buff.

What's harder?

Cream horns or raspberry donuts.

Oh, the donuts by mine.

I thought so.

Yeah.

You're dealing with yeast.

You're dealing with something that wants to live and grow and run out of the tent.

I haven't watched those episodes because I've still got PTSD.

So I'm not watching any of it.

Cream horns, man, that is hard.

That is like, they do them in patisseries.

And donuts?

No.

They don't do doughnuts in patisseries.

You had to go to...

It's a part of a pastry school in France so that they do a cream horn.

We probably both hoped, James, that we had some sort of great book to help us out when we were doing bake-off.

Yes, I wish I personally could have bought the book Bake by Paul Hollywood, but it wasn't out back then.

And the only baking book you'll ever need, that's the title.

I like to think that.

The main reason being is actually the book was written during lockdown, mainly last year.

And

Noel was going off to his room to write his script.

Matt was doing the same.

Prue was writing her porn or whatever she was doing.

And I think ultimately I thought I need to write a book, more of an updated book, actually, because the classic recipes I've chosen are...

for me, classics, and they've been in the bake-off for years.

But it was with the twist of more chocolate, more this.

There's more ingredients around now than there was

years ago when I was writing my first book.

So it was time to update them and get them tweaked and get them spot on.

It's for me, it's the it covers all the bases, Danish croissant breads, the lot, you know.

Greenhorns, no, no, no, greenhorns.

No cultural.

You can't expect a novice to do that.

That's too easy.

Why are we skipping the hard stuff?

That's in his kids' baking book.

I can teach my kids.

I've got laughing at that.

Are the recipes written as you would write the technicals?

Not leaving for that.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's all there.

All the methods there.

And for me,

it was fun because I tested it on a few friends as well.

So I sent out some of the recipes to friends and say, crack on with this, see how you get on.

And they all came back with good results.

So I gave them a little judging to see what they were like.

And I should have sent you a few, shouldn't I?

Yeah, you should have.

That could have been, I mean, what a promo for this book that would have been.

Yeah.

Make these guys.

people thought, if Acas couldn't cook these, clearly I can as well.

Yeah, but it was never going to happen, was it?

No, no, Paul's never going to risk that.

And if I get the book, I'll send it to the worst person ever in the tent.

Well, they can't even remember me, apparently.

No, I do remember you in the tent.

Just can't remember you, but I'm just a blank them out.

Do you know what I tried to do in the tent at one point, and they cut out the edit?

It was annoying.

I tried to trap you under a box.

Yeah.

And Rylan and I.

Because you were stealing my dolly mixtures.

Jesus had some dolly mixture.

Oh, yeah, they were nice then.

You love them.

I do.

You would take a dolly mixture and you would look at me with your rock pull eyes

and you would pop a dolly mixture in your mouth and you're like, what are you going to do?

You'd look at me like, what are you going to do about that?

Nothing, I guess.

But then me and Rylan got a little dish of dolly mixtures, put them on the floor under a box that we had propped up with a stick.

And then tied a little string to the stick and I hid behind a bin and Rylan was shouting you, going, Paul, Hollywood.

And then eventually you came round and you looked at the dolly mixtures under the box and you looked at me and went, not falling for that.

And you walked away.

I'm not falling for that.

Do you know what that says to me, Paul?

Well, it says that some people weren't concentrating on their baking.

It's saying they're not spending enough time reading the recipes.

Yeah,

this was during the showstopper at the end.

Right.

That's fine.

And you had time on the showstopper to listen to it.

I'd already shanked it.

Like,

there was nothing to play for.

I iced an egg in that one.

Yeah.

I put some icing on an egg and then said it was proof.

So, you know.

She's more than an egg.

She is more than an egg.

Do you think your husband will be doing a collaboration on some grinders perhaps in the future?

Oh, yeah.

Who knows?

I mean, when this gets out, when this gets out, it could happen, couldn't it?

Very unlikely he'll do anything kitchen related.

The last time he cooked, he forgot about the boiled eggs and then couldn't find them and found that they were lodged in the ceiling.

What?

Yeah, so where he'd boiled the eggs, the water had evaporated and obviously they were just bouncing around in a dry pan and they had nowhere to go.

And then he'd forgotten that he's put these eggs on boil and here's this loud crash and all four eggs are in the ceiling and

like literally attached to the ceiling um and i come in from work and i'm like what he's up there with the with the kind of like wallpaper scraper thing yeah and and trying to take bits off i said what what have you what have you done he's like nothing and i kid you not he'd got the paint out and everything ready to disguise the fact that we had eggs on it i was like oh my god is that egg shell he's like yeah so just don't cook just don't go in the kitchen Like, don't.

Yeah, I would say sometimes when people say, like, you know, oh, they're a bad cook, so I forbid them from cooking.

I always feel it's a bit harsh.

But if he overboiled the eggs to the point where they bounced up into the ceiling, I think it's fine to say he can't cook anymore.

Congrats on the range sounds great.

And is it good to know, like, there's been a lot of winners of Bake Off over the years, but you're essentially the champion of champions and you've done the best out of all of them.

Do you remind yourself of that sometimes?

That they're all a bunch of everyone else who won it is actually a loser because you have done much better than them.

And now you have your own range years after being on bake-off and they've done nothing.

Well, I mean, if you'd asked me that and I was like seven, I might say, yay, you know, like I might agree with you, but like being a grown-up, I perhaps can't say that.

But I mean, if you want to say it, you can say it.

You feel it, yeah, yeah.

You feel it in your heart.

Maybe now that you've said it, now you've like planted the seed.

Yeah, you said it, James.

Nadi's not agreeing.

She's just, she can bask in it, but she's not agreeing.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not agreeing, but I am basking in the glory of it.

I'm happy happy that you feel my joy.

Yeah.

And that's enough for me.

Yes.

That was my grown-up answer.

Perfect, very diplomatic.

No.

Oh, fucking hard.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My joy, I shouldn't talk to you about bacon.

I'm glad it's come up.

George, what?

We've lasted a while.

We've got this far, at least.

I honestly just wanted to hold you that whole time

you were on Celebrity Bake Arch.

It's no secret I've said on stage.

I've said I've heard you're spreading word about it.

You're the one who carried me through it.

I literally just wanted to,

at one point, I was like, I'm sure I even said to you, do you want to come home with me tonight?

And just

make a bit dinner.

Just go bit.

Yeah.

He needed it.

He really had to

giving any fuck whatsoever.

Yeah, it was, it was, yeah.

But you were brilliant.

We had a laugh on the last day.

That was the thing.

We had a laugh the last day.

See, we had a laugh every day, but you had a laugh.

everyone else had such a laugh

every day

such a fun show to film

um but yeah no that's how we met yeah that's how we met on that show um i've often wondered this because obviously michelle keegan won she well um yes where where do you think uh because they don't say where else everyone else comes um do you well i've got a gripe about it yeah and For anyone that can't see me, which is everyone, my hands are now in the air.

Yeah.

And that's when you know I've got a gripe.

You've got something about it.

It's gripey.

gripey.

Gripey McGrip.

Do you remember we had to make the cream horns?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do remember the cream horns.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

We had like an hour and a half or something to make some cream horns.

That was a technical, right?

Yeah.

That's the blind technical as well.

If hell is personal, that's what's happening when I'm in hell.

Yeah.

I'm arriving there and there's some vague instructions on the table on how to make cream horns.

I've got to do them.

With all that looks like medical anal devices to wrap this pastry round.

Anyway, so I'm sitting there and I'm like, right, I know what a cream horn is.

yeah do I really know how to make it right okay well these are obviously that you must put the pastry around the outside and then will that stick so it is like fucking 10 for yourself yeah anyway I remember I put my cream horns in the oven yeah and the one thing everyone was worrying about was do we do it standing up or laying down yeah because obviously will it slide off or

so I put mine in the oven and I'm like right 20 minutes to bake there's half hour left on this challenge 10 minutes to call and I'll just shove the cream in right at the end okay fine I'm taking mine out of the oven with five minutes to go everyone else has not even got their pastry in the oven yet yeah yeah and I'm like what's going on I'm thinking well I fucking want this one yeah yeah someone walks in to the tent says guys guys we can see you're all having a bit of trouble here so we're gonna give you another hour What?

I don't even remember this.

I fucking do.

So I'm sat there.

Now listen, this is no shade on Bake Off, I understand.

And this don't happen in the civilian version.

I say civilian because it's built into the big brother.

This don't happen in that version.

Obviously, the celebrity one's a bit different.

It's not about who wins in,

but bullshit.

Because I'm sitting there, four cream.

They look nice, my cream ones.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Marcrimons look lovely, right?

Because I thought I only had five minutes left, I thought I'm going to leave the orange out of the cream.

I'm just going to do a...

uh just a normal like i believe it's chantaly yeah um cream yeah filled them all up i'm done yeah people only got the things in the oven then they go we're gonna give you all another hour because otherwise there's no point is there with this challenge then michelle fucking keegan wins the gets first i will do you know what i like the girl i like michelle i like michelle mark they live up the road like lovely i get on with them but in that moment i'm sitting there going you bastards i've sat here

I've made you cream horns in the hour and a half you asked for.

They look nice.

Granted, there's no fucking orange in it.

And no other bastards even got their pastry in in the oven with 10 minutes to go and you come in and give us all an extra hour do you know what i might go down marks's go and get a fucking meal deal what do you want me to do about it and then paul and prue come in oh and this lovely oh this is nice oh there's no orange in this chantelie cream i'm like i know because i only had five fucking minutes there's like did anything happen no and where do i get second

second joke fuck off

Fuck off.

And then to make matters worse, an hour before that, I'm looking for Prue's fucking wedding ring that she'd lost on the floor.

So I'm outside.

Lovely woman pro saw her at the chaplatinum jubilee damesy jake but i'm sitting there outside on gravel in the middle of where were we pinewood yeah yeah we were outside pinewood on the gravel trying to find this engagement ring or wedding ring for about five years yeah yeah doing cremons or trying to put out fires all over the shop everyone else gets a fucking extra hour on there i'm getting second

second

Second

Plus I'm helping him with some fucking wiggly worms that's lived like this and some

childhood thing park dream or something.

And I'm like, you're right, Janice.

Do you want a drink?

Do you want a tea?

Like, let me help you.

Just try and, you know, being a nice person gets you nowhere.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

So go and put yourself in.

You completely change what you said, Eliot.

Do what you want.

All right.

Do you know what?

It's 10 years now.

I'll show you the real me.

Fuck them all.

Fuck them all.

Buy the book.

And there's your out

Now, James, you never really stop going on about Bakoff, but that's not the only thing that you never stop going on about.

You've got many recurring stories like a silly little old man, and they annoy Benito, don't they?

And me, quite a lot of the time.

You don't get annoyed.

You like them.

Yeah, I like them when they annoy Benito.

Yeah, yeah.

Benito gets annoyed and I guess doubly annoyed because he then has to sit and edit it, listen to it again.

But he knows he has to keep them in because

the listeners love him.

Yeah.

And I love him for that reason.

Yeah, yeah.

So let's hear about Chorizo broccoli pasta as told to Angela Hartnett.

And of course, the Diet Coke story as told to Kiri Pritchard McLean.

So you put that in a bacon butty or a chip butter.

You do not put it in a crisp sandwich.

Sorry.

Buttering a crisp sandwich.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

As many calories as you can.

Sorted butter you can put in there.

Salted butter, sorted crisps, heart attack sort of food after a hangover sort of, you know, you know what I'm saying.

Oh, I know what you're saying.

I know what you're saying.

There's a a lot of,

I was looking at the book a minute ago and like Tom Kerry just said how brilliant it is, Stanley Tucci.

I was wondering, do chefs use each other's cookbooks at home?

Do you have cookbooks by other chefs that you use?

I do actually.

Yeah, I have quite a lot.

I've got Tom's book.

Thanks, Eddie.

Very good, very good.

I love, I tell you who's a great food writer.

I love is the guys from Honey and Co.

Itamar, he's fantastic.

I love Valentine Warner.

I think his cookbooks are great.

River Cafe.

Yeah, I do actually.

You dip in and out.

There's no one.

I mean, the goddess is Delia, without doubt.

Because I tell you for why, all her recipes work.

Yeah.

I mean, I hope to God all of those too.

Because my mum's always saying, do you check these recipes?

Are you sure they're right?

I said, yeah, yeah, I think they're.

But, you know, even I'm like, have I missed out an ingredient?

But Delia's, like Mary, they test and test and test.

They're so thorough.

You know, if you want a recipe that you suddenly go, I want Yorkshire puddings, it's going to work.

You go to Delia, without doubt.

Oh, that's good.

Very nice.

I've tried using, I bought Tom Carriage's Hand and Flowers.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And even even when I told him that I had that, he went, oh, you're never going to make it.

And I looked at him and I was like, well, of course not, because I don't have a blast chiller at home.

Don't you have your souvenir machine?

Of course.

Guess what we discovered recently in my flat?

That the chorizo broccoli pasta.

This is one of James's recipes.

Okay.

Me and my girlfriend make Chorizo broccoli pasta all the time, probably twice a week as well.

Okay, nice.

That's her favourite dish.

Lovely.

We absolutely love it.

Any particular broccoli, may I ask?

Or just, you know what?

Well, kind of like your standard broccoli, but it's the um it's the stems, not the

stems.

Nice, nice, I like that.

No wastage.

Yeah, yeah.

So you do the stems.

Oh, no, then he throws all the rest of the broccoli away.

Well, that's what's great about it.

We used to, here's the thing, Angela, is this an interesting story?

Yes.

We used to,

you know, have, well, how are we going to use these stems?

So then we got this recipe, and we did that.

And now we're like, how are we going to use these hems?

That is an interesting story.

That's how much we love this.

That's stunning.

That's stunning.

I've got most of them up in the weekend.

Yeah.

Okay, marvellous.

But, like,

yeah,

we know it so well.

We were like, where have we even got this recipe from, didn't you?

Tom Kerridge.

Tom Kerridge.

Yeah.

Do you put chili in there as well?

A bit of garlic.

Chili, garlic, capers.

Capers, nice, yeah.

Obviously, Torizo.

Yeah, obviously Torizo.

And I always forget the name of the pasta that we prefer.

But we, you know, I only have it in Torizo Buffy person.

Do you use the main bit of the Torizo, or is it like

do you use the metal, the metal at the end?

Yeah, the metal.

Yeah, it's like a

20p and a Christmas pudding.

Okay,

we let them be like Teresa.

Yeah, you're lucky to get the old metal bits.

I specifically remember going with my friend Mavanui to Brighton on a day out with her friend Dom, I think his name was.

And you know, when you're out and you're like, Do you want a fizzy drink?

It's like a nice treat, fun fizzy drink?

And he was like, Oh, I don't drink fizzy drinks.

And I and he was like, I just stopped having them, and now they taste like chemicals.

And I was like, What?

I can't.

I remember specifically thinking that in my 20s and then I stopped drinking them I used to just neck diet coke yeah to the point where I was worried that if you cut me open I'd look like one of those lovely sort of amethyst paper weights

inside so I then I just stopped for whatever reason and I went back to it now and fizzy drinks are quite horrible like chemically if you like most tins of them are really quite disgusting but sparkling water still gives you that that sweet sweet high of bubbles without the like

taste so you used to drink a lot of Diet Coke.

Loads.

And then you stopped drinking Diet Coke for a really long time.

And now when you go back to it, it tastes like chemicals.

Yeah.

That's interesting, isn't it, guys?

That's the next step on from my story.

Because I used to drink...

You basically teed James up for a story he's told on this podman.

No, hold on.

Hold on, though, because this is like Kimmy's coming up with the sequel.

So I've told this story a lot.

I used to drink a lot of Coca-Cola and I stopped drinking caffeine for like five years and then started drinking Diet Coke and it tasted just like Coca-Cola used to taste.

It's like a hack.

And then I'm drinking loads of Diet Coke.

But now it seems that if I then went the next step and stopped drinking the Diet Coke for five years, I would then go back to Diet Coke and it would taste like chemicals.

And that's interesting.

It is, yeah.

But it's really like, you're really playing the long game on this, aren't you?

And you strike me as someone who hasn't got many vices.

So have your Diet Coke.

Well, yeah, I'm letting myself do that now.

But like, it's interesting to know that there's another phase for this because it's one of the listeners' favorite stories on the podcast.

A fan favourite.

Yeah, fan favorite.

I think saying to someone, someone, you strike me as someone who doesn't have many vices, is the most polite way of saying you're an absolute dweeb.

Oh, no.

I'm more sort of like, and then the sort of like

caveat in the air is like, other than all the sex workers, you know.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's one or the other, isn't it?

I am either a dweeb or do you suspect I'm secretly a murderer?

Yeah, you can be both.

A sense murderer, to be specific.

Oh, that is some top quality content right there.

That's pretty good, man.

I've got to have a lot of people.

We could have played a few more clips of those.

I think I've talked about Trizo Broccoli Pasta with more people than just Angela Hartnett.

Well, don't worry about it because Benito's going to put himself through it even more here.

Because what annoys him even more than your two stories there is a long, boring guessing game.

Yes, he hates guessing games.

You know who likes them?

Annie Magliano and Morgana Robinson?

Correct.

Guessed correctly.

Now, you mentioned the rip-off Colin caterpillar cakes just then.

Where do you stand on those?

I think, like, sometimes you aren't near an MS.

Sure.

Sure.

So, what else you meant to do?

Not have a caterpillar cake.

Yeah.

What are you supposed to do?

Get through a whole day without a caterpillar-shaped cake.

Yeah, and you know, I think also, what is it?

Wiggles?

Yeah, they've got different names.

I'm not really sure what their name is.

But they're all Colin to me.

Googling it as we speak.

They're all Colin to me.

I just call them all Colin.

It's easier.

Yeah, yeah.

Doesn't make this.

That's not a good look.

Don't.

We were an alliance against M.

We were, but I can't tell by this.

No.

And to think, up until this point, I bet someone from M ⁇ S was listening and going, I'm going to send Anya so many Colin the Caterpillar cakes.

No, we can't have that.

I'm done.

Let me see the names.

Weirdly, I can't wait for this.

Here we go.

Other retailers.

I'm going to say the names of the caterpillars, and you have to tell me where it's from.

Yeah, great guess.

Is that the, or is the fun where?

I guess, no, we don't know any of the names, do we?

I was going to say you the retailers, and we try and guess the names.

I can do a round like that as well.

There's so many of them.

You can only do one of the rounds.

You can't then just do it.

I can go back and forth.

That's just the memory.

We have to be men in black in between.

I mean, from one caterpillar to the next, I do all of them, and then men in black do and then do it again and see which format works the best.

But it keeps the one in that work.

Actually, for this one, I'm going to tell you the

place.

This is good.

This is Morrison's.

So i think alliteration is kind of key sometimes you would think that you would think that but maybe but it's clearly not because of but it could be alliteration with caterpillar like colin let me tell you yeah that's what i that's exactly what i meant

that's what he meant you fucking moron

what do you think what did you think i've

it could be alliteration with caterpillar like for example colin the caterpillar

I thought you meant with Morrisons.

No, no, no, no, not with, no.

I'll tell you this.

I'll tell you this.

There were two.

Well, I'll tell you this.

You really lashed out.

I apologise.

There were two caterpillars here that aren't alliterated with caterpillar.

Wiggles.

Wiggles is one of them.

Oh, wow, well.

Where do you get Wiggles from?

Sainsbury's.

Correct.

Okay, this is great.

I'm going to lose this.

Now, the other one that is not alliterated with Caterpillar is the Morrison's one.

Right.

But it is alliterated with Morrison's.

Right.

We laughed at you.

What a redemption arc.

It's not Mark Morrison, is it?

Close.

Mark.

Is it Mark the Caterpillar, James?

Caterpillar's everything called Mark.

It's the most.

It's the worst.

Colin's Colin's a weird name for a caterpillar, but we're used to that now.

This is a literature.

Yeah, you don't want to rip off of Colin the Caterpillar.

I'm going to call it Mark.

Mark the Caterpillar.

No.

Okay.

You said it was close.

Mark Morrison was close.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But not the Mark bit.

Ah, it begins with M.

Yes.

Mucky.

No.

Muddy.

No, not Muddy.

No.

Michelle.

Is it male name?

Yes.

Martin.

No.

Mr.

Caterpillar.

Michael.

Michelin.

Morris.

Morris the Caterpillar.

So I was close.

Yes.

Morris the Caterpillar.

Yes, I tried to steer it.

I go, not Mark.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Michael.

What the fuck?

Where's Cuffbert the Caterpillar from?

Tesco.

Incorrect.

No.

Not little.

Aldi.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

From the scandal.

Oh, I'm heading down to the co-op.

Okay.

Sorry, Minito just got an email

about our bookings for the Christmas special, so I had a little look.

Just came in.

I'm going down to the co-op.

What caterpillar's hanging around there?

Christine.

Oh, that's good.

Is it alliterative, yeah?

Yes.

Charlie?

Yes.

It is Charlie.

Yeah.

It is Charlie the Caterpillar at the co-op.

Oh.

Cecil the Caterpillar.

That's Tesco.

Liddle.

No.

What the fuck?

Cecil sounds awfully posh to me.

Oh, waitrose.

Very good.

These are good clues as well, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Clyde the Caterpillar.

Oh, I know this one.

Tesco.

No?

Oh, for the moment.

For the million of fucking Tesco.

Let's just say with Clyde, he has a neck all the way down to his ass, which he pats twice.

As a.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, right.

Just for the listener and for James, because you missed that.

And you just patted her face twice.

Almost as if to try try and remember what the name of the supermarket was.

You can imagine.

Did you remember that on the Azure address?

I really thought I was going to get away with that.

I mean, there was a Tesco one, which I feel like this should be just you guessing it.

Yeah.

Because you've guessed Tesco for every single one.

They all sound like they could be Tesco.

I can see where it is in my Tesco.

Huh?

What?

Oh, you mean in your Tesco that you got?

In my local Tesco.

For a second, it was like you were describing your own mind as being a Tesco.

I can see where it is in my Tesco.

Which is also true.

You're just losing words in your vocabulary steadily.

I've replaced them all with Tesco.

Okay, I can Tesco where it is.

Can I have a letter after C?

You.

It's not.

Cuffbutt.

We had Cuffbutt earlier.

That was the Aldi one.

Don't worry, you did guess Tesco for that.

But Cuffbert has already been gone.

I'll give you a clue as well with this one.

It's not traditionally like a normal Christian name.

But there was a character on Coronation Street who was called this.

Oh, okay.

Got it.

I don't know that.

Yes.

Curly.

Curly the Desperate.

Oh, I would never have got that.

Best game we've ever played on the pod.

Yeah, it's good pod.

It was a good pod game.

Good pod game.

Good pod.

Good pod.

How many shapes of pasta do you have in your house house at any given moment?

Oh my god, I'd probably say about seven.

Really?

Seven?

Yeah.

I don't think I could even name that many shapes.

Yes, you can.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, Ed.

Penne?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Spaghetti?

Yeah.

Linguini?

Yes.

Fusili.

This one, this one.

No, I'm not looking.

I want to do it properly.

I want to do the game properly.

You don't win Taskmaster by taking help from other people.

Lasagna sheets.

Yes,

Canalone, you can say that.

Yeah.

Oh, that's good.

I'll say that next angel hair yes

um fafale oh that's action mambo tide that's what i was doing for you i was trying to have oh right okay um taglitelli tagliatelli yeah oh good one

uh oh i might be in big trouble i said it a minute ago when i was talking about the sausage here's the thing as well like i I make a regular pasta, my chorizo broccoli pasta, and I make it with a a pasta that I don't even know the name of it.

We get the same pasta every time because it's the best one to go with chorizo broccoli pasta.

Do you do it with orange chicks and chili?

No.

We do it with chili.

Chili, garlic, capers.

Sexy.

Thank you.

I've got two lined up ready to go by the way.

Yeah, quite yet.

No pressure.

I've got about five.

The taskmaster champs are absolutely

shredding me here.

You're going to come bottom last again.

Oh, no.

Bottom last.

That's fourth bottom.

That's the second bottom I came and it will be the same again because Benito's bottom.

The last time you had a second bottom was when you were many kids.

Yeah.

I had four bottoms.

Oh, I don't, I think I'm out.

Come on.

I don't think there's any other paths.

You don't give up.

Macaroni.

Yeah, there you go.

It's a marriage.

Macaroni.

Macaroni, me.

But a pepper is that good macaroni.

Orzo.

Oh, nice.

What?

Orzo.

Looks like little rice.

It looks like rice.

Or a Chieti.

Oh, no.

Yeah, the little is.

It is.

Because it's straight back now.

Oh, no.

Because YouTube I'd once lined up.

So it's like, I need that's the genius of this game came up for air for like two seconds and now that's it oh come on

when like when you yeah so angel hair was really smuggled angel i've got them here

because i was like you were struggling so i was like well this game's gonna last like one more round so i've got angel hair and then i'm out i didn't know i was gonna have to do my checked out didn't you yeah i did check out But even now that I'm in, also, what's annoying about it is I tried to, I tried to go, I'm out, and then I told I can't go out.

And he was like, no, so now I'm trapped in this.

I've got three lined up.

You haven't got three lined up, have you?

I've got a few up my sleeve.

What?

How is this?

He's sweating.

He's sweating.

He normally likes guessing games.

He looks really good.

He looks really actually quite worried.

For Flazy.

For Flazy.

I'm not sure for you.

For Flazy.

Yes, Benito.

He's on the Wikipedia.

For Pasca.

How are you spelling for Flazy?

F-E-R.

F-L-E-Z-Z-I.

Nothing.

It's got got a zero.

Yo, you've got to.

I'll beat Dave Foreman.

Do you want to hear my last ones that I have?

Yeah, yeah, go.

Bucattini.

Nice.

Bucati?

Bucattini.

An MG.

Big, thick spaghetti.

Ravioli, I thought I could throw that in.

Oh, hello.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

People haven't even thought of you having a

lot of toll love.

Another

strozza pretty.

Yeah, the little ripped bits.

Strangled priest, that means.

What?

What are the pasta?

I've got a white on.

Is that another pasta?

Yeah,

meaty dishes only.

Yes.

We're not going to put this bit in, are we?

We're going to take this bit out.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, our listeners love this kind of stuff.

Do they?

They're disgusting.

Okay, great.

We all love a guessing game, James.

Yeah, I guess I do.

And you know what else we love?

And this is my favorite category that Benito's put together for the best of.

I love an anecdote.

Yes, this is where I guess if you're the great Benito and you're putting together the best of, and you've got a bunch of stuff that is good, but you can't figure out what category to put it in, you just make up a category called anecdotes, and that's a good old, that's a good old coverall.

Yes, so here's some anecdotes from Felicity Ward, Kiri Pritchard McLean, and Baba Tunde Aleche.

Our whole family have like this secret language that we speak made up of all of the dumb things that we couldn't say.

So we call Disney Disney and we call, if something's nice, we say it's Lolly Buff or Buffalo.

Lolly Boof.

Yeah, lovely and beautiful or beautiful and lovely.

It's like, oh,

that jacket.

Lolly Boof.

Lolly Boof.

Buffalo.

Buffalo Lully.

Buffalo.

I love that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I love it.

It's so soft.

So soft and buffalo.

Buffalo.

Lolly.

Lolly buff.

Like you mean clockwork orange,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but my dialogue.

And then I got a message the other day.

I've got loads of cousins.

I've got 26 cousins and lots of them have kids now.

And two of the kids of my cousins, one of them said, these are just quotes, Xavia must be like four now.

And he went, oh, dad, pelicans fucking stink.

And then the other one was from

my cousin's daughter at Harper.

Harper and she walks around the house going, oh, fuck a hells.

Lovely stuff.

Lovely stuff.

Buffalo, lovely stuff.

That is buffalo, lovely stuff.

It's lovely boof.

Lolly boof, buffalo, lovely.

Do you say googie eggs?

Nope.

All right, yeah, just checking.

It's another one.

Like if you call it like an egg, do you want some googie eggs?

Nope.

But what's that for?

I can't really remember.

Do you know the phrase full as a goog?

Nope.

That is a phrase that exists.

And an egg is a goog.

Full as a a goog.

Full as a goog.

G-double-O-G.

What does that mean?

Look, I'm not an etymologist.

But do you use that phrase?

Yeah.

When do you use it?

If you've had a big meal, you're like, well, full as a goog.

Full as a goog.

What does it say?

As full as a goog.

Informal means very drunk.

Drunk.

Drunk Australian phrase, it says.

Yeah, we never used it in that.

And we call, can you Google Googie eggs?

An egg or eggs usually when offered as food to a child.

In widespread use, come on, eat your googie eggs.

Yeah, googie eggs.

It's not helped at all.

Really?

It's just Australians.

It's just googie eggs.

You've got to be a little bit more than a moment.

Not mentioning my favourite Mayo.

I was quite excited when you said most different mayos, and then my favourite one didn't come up.

Oh my god, no, I've got it.

I've got it.

Okay, my favourite mayo.

I've got a mayo story to tell you.

This is so, so, okay, so what a pickle is a company.

Um, what you were doing, like, the title of the the story there.

What a story to tell you.

What a pickle.

Give me Freddy Clay.

Actually,

it will work with the title.

Right, great.

So

it's a What a Pickle.

Your partner and I we try and support like anything vegan will buy, anything small business will buy.

So we just take a punt on tarragon mayo from What a Pickle.

What a pickle.

And we get it home.

This doesn't sound like a pickle sofa, by the way.

We finish the jar in a day.

What a pickle.

So then we go back to get it.

Yeah.

There's no more tarragon mayo.

What?

They were like, no one is buying it.

So it all went, like, that was it.

That you had the last jar.

So we're like, oh, God, how are we going to track this down?

So then there's a lockdown, and all we're thinking of is this Tarragon Mayo.

So then we go back to...

I've said this slightly wrong.

Okay.

So we go to...

Okay, right.

So we go to a shopping centre near us.

I love there's a lockdown and all you're thinking about is Tarragon Mayo.

I promise you, okay, I'm not sure.

Not worried about the NHS or anything.

Also, my favourite stories are ones that are flat up at the beginning, go, right, I've got a story, and then go wrong and have to be started again.

My favorite type of stories i love it oh no i've remembered this one hold on go back to the beginning okay no okay

here we go

um it's because i got distracted on the way and i actually thought i know the good bit the story this is just preamble right so vron gorg is a is a lovely garden center in north wales yeah parent and i love to go there and they've got a little shop in the corner so we go there there's a tarragon mayo let's try some of this yeah uh take it home finish it like immediately like i say day two days it's so so good we're like we've got to go back there.

By the time I'm not working, there's another lockdown.

So we're like, oh, God.

So then they lift the lockdown, we go back, we make a B line for it, and it's not there anymore.

And we're sort of mooching around, being like, oh, it's not there, it's not there.

And the woman in the shop is like, what, what are you looking for?

I said, oh, we had this tarragon mayo before.

It was really good.

And she went, oh, God, yeah.

She said, we had loads of jars of it left.

No one was buying it.

And then the lockdown happened and it went, she was like, it was about to go off.

So we threw a load of it away and we gave some to the staff.

And I was like, really?

And then we joked and went, Where are the bins?

And then she said, Always, I took some home for my daughter because she's a vegan.

And she was like, I don't think she's even opened it.

And we're like, Oh, right, okay.

And then she was like, Where do you live?

And I said, Oh, I live on the island.

And she went, No, I live on the island.

And she said, Whereabouts?

And I was like, Well, you tell me where first.

And she's like, No, you tell me.

So I told her the tiny village that I live in.

And she went, My auntie lives there.

I'm going past.

And she was like, Tell you what, if she's not opened the jar, and she said, If it hasn't got a little green fur jacket on it, is the phrase that she used, she said, I'll leave it for you, but like by the house.

And I was like, oh, okay.

So just like, didn't think anything of it.

Anyway, like a week later, at the end of like where we live, is a little plastic bag with a little poster note on it going, I brought you the tarragon mayo.

I hope you enjoy it from this woman.

And she'd given us her tarragon mayo.

I don't think that story should be called What a pickle.

That story should simply be called Wales.

I live in Wales.

Poplobs or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Babatunde.

Poplubs or bread.

Why are you shouting at me?

Bread.

Is this what happens?

You just shout at me.

He does.

Yeah, yeah.

You're lucky I didn't.

It's because I've been taking cold baths, so I don't get scared now, you know what I'm saying?

Because that can't help me.

Oh, man.

If I remembered, I literally forgot already that Babatunde gets scared easy.

I should have thought I could really get him with Poplar Lobs or Bread.

But I thought, well, he's not, I'm not going to surprise him with that because he's a fan of the podcast.

Yeah.

Because he wears the merch.

But then I i forgot he hasn't done his podcast so why have i done that what would you have done if he'd just run out the room bro like if this was a month ago not taking like cold baths and stuff like that yeah i would have jetted so the cut you take cold baths now yeah have you tried watching the exorcist now you take cold baths ain't happening

i still believe in jesus so that's not happening bro

does the exorcist not um confirm your belief in jesus because like it's uh the catholic church actually like back the exorcist as a film film yeah yeah because it says that jesus exists like it's it's it's actually a pro religion film okay it's got the baddies in it yeah right i've never been to

i've never seen someone be exorcised i've been to well that's a lie tonight i have

but not like that yeah i have some i've seen someone because i go church i have seen someone i used to go to a pentecostal church you see all types of stuff there i have seen a demon manifest in someone, and

not like that.

The girl pushed the preacher and he flew.

Wow.

But she had a demon in there.

So they said,

she pushed him.

She pushed the crap out of him.

Yeah.

And I was like, damn.

I was at the back of the church.

I was like, damn.

You got pushed.

I was like, you better call on Jesus, bro.

She's strong, bro.

That's probably just what you wanted to hear at that moment.

Yeah, you're in Russia.

She's flying across the room, just being pushed by a demon.

Surely someone from my congregation will come and help me.

Damn, you got pushed.

Let me get this straight.

When you watch an actual horror film, you have to run out of the flat and then argue about who goes back in the flat to turn it off.

But you've been in a room with a literal demon and all you thought was

in a church.

And you thought, whoa, I got pushed.

And you didn't think like

watch as a horror film yeah if i saw that in a film i'd be like damn he got pushed in real life i'd be running out

nah man because it's church like jesus you know she's got a demon in it in the church yeah but like the preacher's gonna like be like do his thing innit like yeah he's been he's protected yeah

I mean, if she turned around and set her sights on me, I'm gone.

Yeah.

Didn't seem too worried about bringing attention to yourself, though.

Well, oh, yeah, yeah, I did shout out.

But at the same time, bro, this really happened, not even a joke.

This girl was going crazy, she like shook her head and then she just went boom, yeah.

And he was on the other end of the room.

Wow, but but then were you not scared then?

She's gonna get us all nah, not really because, like I said, like the preacher, he's like, he's got Jesus power, but he's been pushed for miles, didn't he?

That's his fault, bro.

You know what I'm saying?

You shouldn't have

kissed the demon off.

Man, you know, what was really funny when Babatunde said like you was grabbing the ass and you were grabbing that butt.

Yeah, yeah, on I'm a Celebrity.

If Baba Tunde, if I see him now, because we've recorded that before he's on I'm a Celebrity, if I see him now, I'm going to be fanboying about that.

Yeah, yeah, I am.

I am.

Hey, and look, I don't like how much I'm a Celebrity has humanized that piece of shit, Hancock.

But I love Baba Tunde sitting down with him and telling him over and over again.

You were grabbing that ass.

Yes, and I will fanboy with him about that.

This is me trying to link into the next bit, James.

You just keep talking about grabbing the ass.

Yeah, but I'm just disgusted with Hancock and him being humanised on that show.

I love the fact that

they said grabbing the ass.

We certainly fanboyed over some guests this series.

Let's hear from Joseph Quinn and Michael Scher.

Yeah.

See, we're popular fans, man.

Yeah.

We know it.

No, obviously, Eddie Munson, big metal fan.

Big metal fan based on Eddie.

Huge for me.

Yeah, I'm a big metal fan, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm a huge metal fan.

He loves board games as well.

Let me tell you, the metal press went absolutely wild when that last episode came out.

I know.

All my tweets were from Kerrang and Metal Hammer and stuff.

And so excited that there's a Metallica song in Stranger Things.

Oh, yeah, when you did the guitar.

Yeah.

Now, here's another thing I always think when watching stuff.

This should be good.

Whenever they're playing,

I mean, it will be good.

Whenever they're actually doing music, I'm like, are they actually playing it?

Are they or is that someone else's hands?

But you think, is it someone else's hands?

Sometimes

they do close-up shots of the guitar, and it's someone else shredding and playing.

Because when he is playing it, we're playing that Metallica song, bits on the fretboard, they're playing that song.

That is probably playing that song.

But have you learnt it?

Are you doing that?

Or have they got a handsy person in?

I'll be totally honest with you.

Most of it's me.

Yeah.

And I'm doing the hands.

Yeah.

The music hands to make the music.

The difficult music,

the solo.

Yeah, they're not my hands.

Dustin's hands.

They're dusty.

Nothing gets past you, does it?

Yeah.

Something it's a child hand in.

I'm tiny.

Yeah, they should have thought of that.

Yeah, so it's kind of a little bit my hands, a little bit other mystery hands.

Another question about the guitar?

Come on.

When you get it just before that scene when you go up on the roof to play it to shred you get it off of the thing and you're excited about doing the solo you put it on and then you swing it over onto your back yeah in one

do you like that how many takes does that take is that a real guitar or is that a light is that made of polystyrene so that it would it would fly easier real guitar real guitar i can't remember how many takes not that many didn't drop it at any point no just goes

every time drilled it drilled the strap into the guitar so that we'd avoid that problem brilliant see

what do you mean see why are you looking at me like like that?

Worth answer the question.

Yeah, I didn't say it wasn't worth answering.

I thought it was a good question, great answer.

I just say I'm enjoying it.

Should we move on?

It's a real badass mind.

It's like, it's like, it's really, in many ways, this is the best and the worst time for us to interview you.

Right.

Best time for us.

Okay.

We've just seen it.

And we just want to talk about it, Lades.

Worst time for you.

We've just seen it.

We want to talk about it.

That's okay.

Hearty bread with loads of stuff on the out.

There's a roughage on the outside, and you want warm butter, and that's all you want for your bread.

That's all I want.

No olives specifically.

No olives anywhere.

I'll take a pretzel bread, too.

I don't know if that's a big thing in London, but pretzel bread is a good.

If there's no hearty, chunky, seedy bread, I'll go with a pretzel bread if that's an option.

That is quite exciting.

This is a very German.

Am I right in saying?

Oh, I think you're right.

Yeah, it feels German.

Cousin Moe's coming out in your

I don't know if Moze would eat.

I think Moze would more eat like a proper plowman's lunch.

You know, like he was a farmer.

I think he's just taking a big chunk of sourdough and a big chunk of cheese and then quietly eating it alone somewhere, like in an outhouse on his farm.

Or he would eat like, I think he would eat a pretzel, but if it was made out of jerky

that was made out of like a bull's intestine, I think he would have that.

Like, yeah, venison jerky or something.

Yeah, just some horrifying farm meat that he cured himself.

Yeah, thank you for bringing it up, Moz, by the way.

It's very kind of you.

I think about Moze a lot.

I think just that specific scene where I think people arrive in a car to the farm and Moze just silently runs alongside the car is quite disturbing.

It really is, isn't it?

Yeah, the way it was written in the script was the car pulls up the long driveway.

Suddenly, Moz appears out of nowhere and runs alongside it like a dog.

That was the stage direction.

Is it Nino's you want the pizza from?

Yeah.

Do you want it from there?

Because I was going to offer you two other places.

Okay.

Do you want it from Alfredo's pizza or pizza by Alfredo?

Wow.

That's a deep cut.

I told you this was going to happen.

And James said that he wouldn't do this.

Don't worry.

We had Martin Freeman on and James spent the whole thing asking him to do his voice from Fargo.

So this is actually going very well compared to that.

I heard that one.

He didn't get it.

It was clear that you wanted him to do the voice and he didn't understand that.

He got that's what I wanted him to do the whole time.

Martin Freeman's not playing ball with the likes of me.

Well, you kept saying, like, everyone else isn't good at it.

You're the one who's good at it.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

He just didn't take the bait over and over again.

I was like, he's not going to do it, man.

He's wily.

He's wily, but he got me to do it.

I was pretty gutty about that.

But yeah, no, I've watched them all again recently because my girlfriend hadn't seen them, so he watched them all during lockdown.

So I've got them.

They're fresh.

They're fresh in the head here.

Yeah, clearly.

Was it like the most watched show during 2020 or something?

The Office was, I think, the most watched show even before the pandemic.

Like, it was having this weird resurgence.

Wow.

And then the pandemic kicked it into overdrive.

Like, I got recognized as Moe, even with a mask on, I got recognized as Mo's more in the last two or three years than I had like when the show was on.

Like it was really a, I think that when everyone has to stay in their house and there's nothing to do, that show had 201 episodes or something like that.

And I think it would just became the thing that was like a ritualistic like family way to pass time.

It definitely kicked up a notch.

I tried to show my kids the British version and they were like, no, thank you.

They did not like David Brent as much as Michael Scott, which I kind of get, you know, for a kid.

Yeah.

Adults love it, but.

All the people in that version, they're kill joys.

They don't do accents if you ask them to.

They're not very fun.

Yeah, you're not very fun, are they?

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Dad, you take a buana noticeable, si nos cambiamos a verizen nos dan cuatro lines por expressio de 3.

Die verdad, es comos y la cuarta linea pora gratis, ok, una paramí otra para tú mama, una para tí y la cuarta para.

Para mino bio?

Excuse me?

Dad, mira, quiero está en contacto con el todo altiempo.

Astan las

No important.

Well, the violinas with Verizon you telephonoce and imagine.

Puede sanctuaries, texture, as if I contented.

I also.

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por 2 to

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una conquiston Rominda de datas national velocity de 2G surquires have a Linus Sufita and my plan for the 30s de Travel Pass aflican terminas additionales.

Wonderful.

Ed, I've enjoyed all of these recorded clips so much.

All this me and you in the studio, the great Benito there, our guest done in a little private studio recording episodes.

Loads of fun, obviously.

But also, every now and again we spank the planks

i beg your pardon we get on a stage

we tread the boards that yeah tread the boards i think is the phrase not spank the planks i think that's something different i think it's spank the planks we just for for any tabloid who are listening me and james have never got together and spank the planks we have in front of people no many people sold out crowd watch us spank the planks together We perform two live off menu shows this year in London and of course Montreal.

Here's Chris Red in Montreal and a load of absolute crazy folk at the Christmas dinner party in London.

No, I like hard seltzer.

Hard seltzers are fun.

I've got into hard seltzer.

Hard seltzers are fun because I like how I feel.

Yeah, that's a fun feeling, right?

Yeah, yeah.

But that's a party though.

That's a real party.

La croix?

Fuck you.

Don't like it.

Get too many flavours and they all suck.

And the flavour's too slight as well.

It's only just

like a whisper of fruit in the background.

And you're like, have some conviction.

Taste like that.

It's like, you didn't put the fruit in there.

You put the fruit by it.

It's like the same thing.

You introduce the fruit to it.

You're like, Mr.

Raspberry, this is sparkling water.

And goodbye, Mr.

Raspberry.

More bubbles, please.

I'd like to hear more about this, Mr.

Raspberry.

Mr.

Raspberry.

Yeah.

He's a good guy, Mr.

Raspberry.

Yeah, tell us more about Mr.

Raspberry.

What kind of a person, what aspirations do they have?

Do they have any family?

It's lovely of you to switch to they, just in case Mr.

Raspberry's pronounced with them.

You never know when Mr.

Rasbury is going away.

He goes with Mr., so I think we can assume he's him.

But he's good,

broadly very nice, but also he fucking hates Mrs.

Strawberry.

He hates Mr.

Strawberry.

Because Mrs.

Strawberry's had the limelight for too long.

I mean, you've said lime now, that's confusing.

Mrs.

Strawberry's a bad bitch, I will say that.

Like,

she holds it down, she stays grounded, you know.

But half the year, Mrs.

Strawberry does not taste nice.

Nah, man, she's in a bad mood, dog.

You ever had Miss Strawberry when she ain't right?

Yeah.

Ugh.

I asked you that like I was going to say more.

And I just thought about it in my head.

I was like, ugh.

And that was it.

But yeah, that's it.

Yeah, she's not good.

But Mr.

Raspberry, he knows his time's coming, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are we Raspberry fans in the house?

I mean, what do you even use a raspberry for?

Cheesecake.

Jam cheesecake.

Someone said cheesecake.

It's so funny.

I knew I was joking and I was laughing and she looked like...

It's serious stuff.

I don't like the little hairs on raspberries, though.

Like little hair on the little hair.

I don't like that.

That's creepy.

I've shaved on raspberries.

This whole thing

making raspers feel that they have to shave is not cool, man.

But I also don't let raspberry going through puberty in front of my face.

In front of your face?

Yeah.

Right.

It is as though it's proper, like, there's like teenage stubble on a raspberry, isn't it?

You want it to grow like a proper beard.

Oh, this is getting disgusting.

Is it disgusting?

Yeah, you sound like a pedophile.

Man.

I don't even know you are

a specific way.

Sounds bad.

I've honestly ignored raspberries like pretty much my whole life.

Yeah.

It's all.

Now we've personified the raspberry.

There's real emotion here.

She's going to go to the grocery store like, I love you.

Ma'am, are you going to buy those?

No.

Would you not buy a punnet of raspberries?

He wouldn't go and buy a punnet.

What?

Yeah.

As soon as you said that, I was like, I can't really even imagine Chris Red saying one punnet of raspberries, please.

Yo, let me get one punnet, man.

I said punnette.

Let me get your manager, dog.

So I'm in here trying to get one punnet, right?

And this nigga talking shit.

And the raspberries getting old.

She's cuddling them.

Give me a punnet.

I'm going to use it today.

Yeah.

Just a box of raspberries, basically.

Yeah, just a box of rice.

Yeah, that's bigger than context clues.

No, I was stupid for a very long time.

And I had smart friends, and they would say shit.

I'm like, mm-hmm.

And in my head, you have to deduce.

I think that's the right word.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Deduce is so close to do-do.

And so you don't know.

Anyway.

So you wouldn't buy a punnet of you wouldn't go and buy a punnet of raspberries.

No, but I buy a punnet of grapes, though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a good punnet food.

Yeah, I like a little punnet of grapes, a little punnet of strawberries.

How quickly would you go through a punnet of grapes?

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

20 minutes.

Wow.

I mean, I eat like fruit all the time, though.

I like it.

Well, how quick would you go for a punnet of strawberries?

Let's say you go to a food fair and there's a load of different like...

Huh?

Do you mean a supermarket?

No, no.

No, no, no.

So you mean like a supermarket outside?

No, no you're going to like a county fair where there's like there's loads of different stuff happening there's like a guy on the a dunk tank do you think do you think chris is from oklahoma

a dunk tank yeah like on a stall and they throw the ball and it hits the thing and then they go like a carnival yeah yeah yeah so you're like a it's like a more twee quite whimsical version like a food fair and

there's some food eating contests yeah and they're all punnet based and

are you going to enter...

Do you fancy your chances more in the

Punnet of Grapes eating contest or a Punnet of Strawberries eating contest?

Which are you going to enter?

I don't know why you doubt my questions before I get to the end of them.

No, it's a very

fun question.

And we ask this to everyone, Chris.

I would do a Punnet of

Strawberries.

You think you could eat them quicker?

Yeah, probably.

If you were racing through the strawberries, would you eat the green bit to save time?

If I had to, but I'd be fighting not to, though.

Yeah.

Because you can just grab them quick, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah.

How big are these strawberries, though?

Are they like the monster strawberries?

Well, it depends what time of year it is.

It depends what mood Mrs.

Strawberry's in, right?

That's true.

When they're out of season, I think they're probably a bit bigger and a bit more watery.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you want the sort of small, intense, sweet ones to just.

But those are great.

Yeah.

I like those a lot.

The other the big ones look like the a teenage mutant total experiment that went wrong.

Yeah, yeah, it's like started growing the arms like never mind, you know

But do you want for your dream meal Will as your waiter to go free kids nice guy If it's a dream meal do you want the best waiter you've ever had Will no, I want I want Will to have a day off with his family

I warms the heart Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, I do want to wait a motherfucker, but like not will.

Not Will.

Yeah.

Because if it's my dream meal, I don't really give a fuck about the the waiter.

Yeah.

I'm about to eat.

You know what I mean?

But you do specifically want Will to have a nice day off of his family while you're having the meal.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

So as you're having the oysters, what are you imagining Will's doing?

Well, he was a stout white man, so I think he was running through a field.

Golden Retriever's three kids, Benjamin, Ben, Stacey,

And his lovely wife's on a blanket.

Checkered.

You know what I mean?

A checkered blanket.

A good blanket.

Yeah, she has wine and sippy cup.

Stacy's three.

I haven't thought about this at all.

The kids are called lovely.

Benjamin, Ben.

But that's short for Benito, I believe.

It is.

It is short for Benito.

But it's Benjamin, Ben, and Stacy.

The three white names you can think of, Benjamin, Ben, and Stacy.

And the two Ben's that I'm thinking of are blacks.

And they're frolicking, man.

They're frolicking.

It seems like he has a frolicking family, dog.

You ever seen a family be like, they frolic.

No.

Their motherfuckers frolic.

If they had some grass and space, they frolic their ass off.

Yeah, the Von Traps, they were very friendly.

They sound like they frolic.

Yeah, yeah, they frolic.

Not the Adams family.

No, they're not frolic.

They look at people frolly like, y'all gonna be dead soon.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you frolic, Chris?

Nigga, what?

You heard.

You heard what I said.

I wouldn't even know where to begin.

So if we put you in a field,

which you shouldn't, because there's a history of that.

James, you're going to have to take over for the rest of the episode.

You're welcome, Martin Luther King.

If you didn't say it, I would have, of course.

If I saw a field, I just don't know what would in...

I need to be inspired.

And I don't know what could happen in my life that would make me frolic.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, maybe, would you frolic through a shopping mall?

No.

But I guess you need other people there to frolic, right?

You can't solo frolic.

You can't solo frolic, you know?

It's not like a fucking tree that falls in the woods or whatever the fuck that saying is.

You gotta frolic with a squad, I think.

I don't know much about frolicking, though.

Do you have a dream frolic squad?

Ah, give us your frolic squad.

Alright.

So if I was frolicking, right,

I show up to the field in a Benz with Ben and Benjamin.

They're grown now.

So they be there, Tupac's there, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's like, yo, what we doing?

I'm like, frolicking.

He's like, all right.

He's very down.

Yeah.

Dr.

Dre's there somewhere.

Somewhere.

Yeah, we pick him up along the way.

Yeah.

We get to frolicking, because because i want it to be an adventure yeah you know what i'm saying yeah yeah so it's it's like we all starts me tupac pen benjamin uh a couple couple chicks from jay-z's big pimping video

and madonna um is dre frolicking or are you just like are you gonna just frolic dream about dream dre's doing you have you ever had a friend that's like hanging out with you while y'all doing an activity but they ain't all the way into it yeah that's what dre doing yeah

so like we're frolicking and he's just like y'all niggas stupid you know walking behind but he's still into into it.

Picking flowers, smelling butterflies.

But just to be clear,

you would frolic

just about

Dre.

No, no, no, no.

We would frolic.

We're frolicking down a we're frolicking down a fucking field.

We're going on a mission.

You know what I mean?

So Dre's coming with us.

Yeah.

But like,

I feel like nowadays.

Yeah.

Yo, everybody, you want to talk?

I got something to say.

Nothing comes.

Would you frolic about Dragon?

Would I frolic about him?

Yeah, just about in the vicinity of him.

Oh, yeah, like to collect him?

Just about.

I mean, I guess for a second,

we frolic about.

I guess you gotta,

if you're frolicking, if you see somebody in your frolicking path, you gotta like frolic around, like, can't join us, you know?

Yeah, but if you do it for too long, it feels aggressive, right?

If you frolic around someone, it feels

Dre's big.

I feel like if we did it for too long, he'd just knock us all out.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was just before a second.

I don't want to frolic about Dr.

Dre too much.

Yeah.

I think that's a good frolic squad.

Yeah?

Yeah, that's a very strong frolic squad.

You know, I think so, too.

And Joe Biden, because I would like to see people,

you know, I would like to see people see him frolic.

I think that would fucking shock the world, dog.

They'd be like, you know what?

We don't even need to fix these other problems.

But how quickly would he fall over if you guys were

down there?

You got to be careful with that.

I think it's an either-or situation, baby.

I think he's either falling or he's frolic.

He's just killing that shit.

We're like, what?

That's my present.

Nah, I hope you sleep.

So you've got a granddad at your Christmas party.

Yeah, that's false.

You know what I mean?

I've always needed a nice granddad at the Christmas party.

Do you just want me to snore?

You're just here to provide some sort of audio atmosphere, Bob, to be honest.

Is that what your Christmas party is usually like, Bob?

Yeah, just watching old men snore.

Just

go around the backs of houses, look through the windows,

tick it off, a ginger,

wall bet,

whatever.

Yeah, those old guys can snore.

They can.

They could.

I thought that I was going to be doing like a Christmas menu, but that's not.

No, unless you want to talk about your Christmas menu, but there's so many memories from the episode that you did that people would want updates on.

I would love to know how many Odeon cinema hot dogs you've eaten since we last saw you.

I haven't been to Odeon,

but my son Ari

found.

Is there a supermarket in London called Farm Fresh or something?

Farm Fresh.

Whole Foods, Whole Foods.

Well, that's very different to Farm Fresh, guys, I'll be honest with you.

You've literally picked the two opposite ends of the spectrum, no?

I'm guessing farm foods is.

Yeah, farm foods are not great, I'd say.

Whole foods is the most expensive supermarket in the the country.

You can't get snobby about these things.

Do you spend much time in B ⁇ M?

What's that?

What a shock, ladies and gentlemen, though, innit?

You know what?

You go into BMN, B ⁇ M, B ⁇ M, James, and you discover that they do orange DMs.

Diams?

Oh, Diam's.

Yeah, Diams.

Dimes, Diames.

Dargo with Dimes.

Diamonds?

Yeah.

Diamonds.

But we had this when Bob was on the podcast.

They're spelled the ones that you see are D-A-I-M.

Do I i see different ones

it's like how cats say in black and white you know we're all

well maybe they're available anywhere but i've i had my first nando's tonight yeah so this is bad news

i've just had it i understand what the fuss is about was it nice juicy juicy yeah one yeah yeah um yes yeah and it's it's quite tart you know spicy yeah and the chips are pretty good aren't they yeah good chips but when i asked you what what you were ordering from Nando's, what did you say, Bob?

A number two.

The second Nando's of the evening.

But you're too late, sir.

No, there's always a cue when Blue Water, when I go Blue Water.

Oh, yeah, Blue Water.

I understand now.

I've got a Toby Carberry gold card.

Did I tell you that?

No.

No, you just cube.

You didn't tell us that, and congratulations on being alive still.

Still being alive.

Anyone have the Toby Carberry gold gold card?

That's the one way to get to the mall.

Does that mean, what does that mean?

Because it's already unlimited salad.

Does that mean free Toby Carverie?

Free up to £100.

Only...

But that's a month.

Oh, okay, £100 a month.

It's not quite the gold card,

but...

You've got a voucher, Bob.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How much are you paying for it?

I've got a hard voucher.

A small hard voucher So yeah

what's your how do you if you're using the gold card How do you hit up Toby Carvery?

What's your route round the Toby Carvery?

Well go to the Calvery

No, sorry, I'm not being facetious

what are you picking up from the Calvery?

Well you if you if you get two meats

you get four slices of meat.

Yeah.

If you get three meats you get three.

So that's just a little little tip if you're a Toby cat.

So you should always go for two meats.

Toby jugs out there.

And a large plate, get the orchestra pudding, and then on to the gravy station

for a short prayer

before dining.

Do don't you do?

Why?

Um, why?

No.

No, batted and meat.

Yes.

So you're saying two meats of four.

Four slices.

That's eight slices

of three

of three.

That's nice.

No.

No.

No,

you've wilfully misunderstood that, Rosie.

Also,

you've completely overestimated the Jojo Carberry there.

Also, clearly, what was happening was you were listening and then you started looking at the crisps and you got distracted.

Two meats is four slices in total.

Am I correct, Bob?

Two slices of each meat.

Not you, man.

Yeah, yeah.

You thought, Bob men, that if you get two meats, you get two of each meat.

If you get three meats, you get three of each meat.

And you were looking at all of us like, why do you think that's a better deal?

Basically,

I want nine

slices.

Is there a way you can get nine slices, Bob?

Are there nine meats?

Yeah.

We asked a big question.

I mean, it's huge.

It's a huge question.

Bob, how many of you have a future?

Now you've misunderstood your own question.

How many did you name?

Bob said something.

No one said there were nine meats.

Saying three meats.

Three.

But please, I'd love us to name nine meats.

Let's see if Bob can do it.

I think we could.

Is it off full of meat?

Do you include the offals?

Can you slice offal?

You slice liver for sure yeah um oh wait how are we delineating this are we delineating it by animal or by cut and meat oh no i have to be animal i have to be animal

whilst we're on offal uh bob you talked about tongue uh quite a lot on your off menu i do like hock's tongue yeah yeah and uh a butcher sent me a tongue right you lucky lads off the back of that i'm a real influencer now i've got a massive tongue through the post

it's a very sad story actually a butcher kidnapped Ed's wife

It's still in the freezer.

Yeah.

Good luck to her.

So nine meats.

Well, there is, isn't there?

Well, I don't know.

Not unless you name them.

How many do you think you could name?

The chicken meat.

Chicken.

Meat.

Always, always follow it with meat.

Yeah.

Just in case.

Your lunch and meat?

Second.

Second one.

Luncheon meat, second.

Chicken to luncheon.

This is unorthodox.

What animal is luncheon?

Luncheon's the pig.

Pig meat.

So,

are we going to say pork?

Pork, yeah.

Pork meat.

Is that separate to luncheon meat?

Well, if you're not given it, I'm fine with that.

It's a tinned meat.

Are there nine tinned meats?

Pork, pig.

No, they're the same.

Sorry,

I feel like.

Yeah, the old pork pig, the pork pig.

Pork pig, hog.

Oinker.

I think that...

Right into the mic.

You're right into the mic, right, dear.

Anyone else?

We don't have any game of pork, pig, hog here.

If you don't mind.

Chicken.

You go pork and chicken, sorry.

Oh, we're going ahead with this.

Yes.

We're playing nine meats, you know.

Chicken, cow, pig, lamb,

lamb and sheep, similar, very similar, niche, at least.

Listen,

the lamb is a young sheep, so I don't know what I don't understand the parameters of the game, but I'm gonna hazard a guess

that they're not gonna allow lamb and sheep.

No, well, mutton.

Are you gonna go mutton, mutton, niche?

Can you name nine animals that you can slice?

One thing

is supposed to have a baby.

That's essentially it, yeah.

Would you ever, would you ever go up to a horse,

give it a stroke, and then bite a chunk of the meat off it?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've done.

Yeah.

Let's stop talking about meat.

Well, unless you want to talk about processed meats.

Or pocket meats.

I won processed meat man of the year last year.

I've got a trophy and everything that came to the pod.

What's it made of?

For advocating processed meat.

I suppose because of your podcast.

Right, so you won an award because of the pod, because you advocated for processed meats.

Yeah.

And then you won processed meat man of the year.

Yeah.

It's rather beautiful tofu, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

Bob, to be fair, I'd

take that as a

huge compliment, but I think you have talked about pocket meats on various platforms.

Yeah, but a pocket meat's not necessarily a processed meat.

The finest pocket meat is a chicken or a sliced ham, of course.

Pepper Army and the like are the easiest, but you know, go the extra mile.

Those are top pocket meats.

Or the little coin pocket.

Yeah, yeah, the little coin pocket.

Pepper army's nice inside pocket, isn't it?

Oh, that's an IPM if I've ever heard one.

The 9pm sausage.

That's an IPM, an inside pocket meet.

I've immediately created an acronym for my own amusement there, Bob.

I thought you said 9pm meet.

It is the perfect 9pm meat, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, it's 9pm somewhere.

It could become a habit.

Watch out.

Well, that's good you won that trophy.

It is good.

I'm very proud of you for doing that.

Did Nish come last in that when you won it?

Why would I come last?

When Bob won it.

The person who was

you're making a Taskmaster dig.

Oh, sorry, was I?

That's the first time.

Did you come last in Taskmaster?

Yeah, I came last in your Taskmaster.

Bob.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

No, you'd come last, Nish.

Bob doesn't even remember that Nish was on the series.

The Willie's Pie of Taskmaster.

Nish Kumar.

Every time Nish's task came on, cut to Bob, he's eating a pepperoni out of his inside pocket.

It's 9pm somewhere.

I came last, and that's why James is getting a dig in.

I'm just asking if Nish came last in the processed meat competition.

Look at my body type.

Do I look like I would come last in a processed meat competition, James?

I'd come a creditable silver and be honoured to follow Bob Mortimer.

They were just comedians who won that award.

Was there a ceremony?

No, it literally just came through the post.

I promise you there was no, you know.

There was no heads up.

I suppose they hope you're going to

photograph it

and, you know, give them publicity processed meats.

But it's just generic.

It wouldn't have been any particular meat,

processed meat.

You shouldn't eat processed anything, should you, really?

I think that's...

Oh,

like that trophy away.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I think you should only eat processed meat.

Tomorrow is the knock on Bob's door.

Thank you.

Bob,

is it good to be alive, son?

Yeah.

You've asked that of your oldest guest.

I suppose that is appropriate.

Well, it's what you like to say to your son when you mix the mustard and the ketchup sauce.

You mix the mustard and the ketchup sauce on the odd and cinema hot dog and you say it's good to be alive i imagine if bob didn't remember that that was a very harsh thing to say

yeah i mean i was mortified but i saw the look in your eyes quite a lot of sadness there and you made it go so quiet as well yeah bob is it good to be alive is it good to be alive i felt like i was counting every day you know

it's um i was saying so what just in case just to finish that up at whole foods is it whole Foods?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

They've got a replica, um, a hot dog sausage that is as good as it's German, and it is as good as the Odian one, I reckon.

Because I haven't beaten the cinema since off-menu.

Have you not?

Not been, no.

Is that because you discovered podcasts and don't need films anymore?

I don't know why I haven't been really.

I stopped during the pandemic, um, and my son's left home.

I know, and the water's there's no water in Tunbridge Wells at the moment.

Been off for five days.

What?

No!

Yeah.

No water.

Five days.

So yeah, when you say I'm a glad to be alive, I'm not so sure.

I could go either way on that.

Oh, Bob, I didn't know things were that bad.

So no one's letting you swell their hot dog of mustard if you've got no water in Tunbridge Wells.

Got no water?

I'm not using mustard instead.

Is that what you mean?

If you had to use a condiment to wash.

Great question.

You've got to pick one condiment to wash in, whoa, maybe for the rest of your life.

Am I washing my entire body, your face?

Your entire body, your face, and everything below.

My teal.

And everything behind the face.

And

you can't avoid anything.

What's behind your face, James?

Your mind?

Is that what you're thinking?

Back of the skull, back of the skull.

All the way down.

I either that was the deal breaker in your mind.

And before you start trying to get out of it, back of the head as well.

Yeah.

Isn't that easy?

Is it easy for you?

Yeah.

What condiment you'd washing?

Hold your answer, Rosie.

Bob, which condiment would you wash your full body with and you're not allowed to avoid any bits of your body?

Well, the first thing I thought of, I'd probably select it is

white vinegar.

What were you gonna say?

I think.

Would you, Rosie?

I think.

Yeah, and that is so easy.

I'll go for beneath it, cause you get a little

tingle.

You would, especially around the anise.

I can't think of another liquid condiment, soy sauce,

um, ketchup, mustard, mustard,

you know what I try George Bartholese

yeah if you want a bit of a tingle

I'll send you to the moon

I think Dijon mustard would be quite exfoliating yeah yeah yeah that's true being nice and whole grain Whole grain

yeah don't use the DiGrave yeah the whole grain yeah well done on picking that up actually no problem

I do bambi

with

tartar sauce.

Why?

Why not?

Apologies.

I do my whole lower body in tartar sauce.

I'm going to feel like a merman.

Tartar sauce.

Hang on.

What?

What?

What?

You think fish like being slathered in tartar sauce?

What are you thinking?

If

my bottom half covered in tartar sauce, I'd feel like a fish.

But if my top half isn't, I'd feel like a man.

And so

top half of a man, bottom half fish.

Google it.

I'm a merman.

I think that's right.

Google it.

Google.

What is bottom half fish, top half man?

I'll do it in the interval.

On private browsing.

Bob, do you remember

when we were talking about hot dogs and chocolate bars?

We talked a lot about chocolate bars when you were on as well.

The Dayam bar was only one of the chocolate bars mentioned.

Do you remember your dream fantasy crossover between hot dogs and chocolate?

That was Mars Bar and Sausage in baguette.

Did you know, did you, is this coming on?

Did you know they cancelled the topic a couple of months ago?

Bloody cancel culture.

It's a great biscuit.

Not made anymore.

This year.

There you go.

Anyway.

How often were you having a topic?

Not often enough, very neglected.

I think the most underrated chocolate bar is the timeout.

What do you reckon?

Yeah,

I would say...

It's a decent bar.

It's a decent bar.

I mean,

I think lion bars are pretty underrated.

I think they're quite good and don't get enough

double-deckers.

Yeah.

A lot of love for them.

I think they're the two worst.

I'm not just being, they're just like, they're a virgin on the savoury.

they're difficult.

Savory, they're in the toppy crisp area, you know.

Oh, yeah, I remember you said toppy crisp was savory when you put this podcast, but you know, that you know, like a topic is a real indulgence or a caramel, cabbage caramel, yeah, delicious in it though.

Oh, you know, compared to a double decker, yeah, something to get your teeth into.

Do you know, do you know who did the voice of the caramel bunny in the advert?

She had the sexy caramel bunny back in the day, maybe a Margolies.

Well, I did the Churchill dog,

yeah, which you can't eat, yeah, It's not a...

No, you can't eat it.

Oh, yes.

That was it.

I did.

I've never known you as a competitive man, Bob, but the speed with which you followed up, I did the Churchill dog.

Well, I did the Churchill dog.

It's too

cop.

Do you remember the caramel advert where the bunny said, never let anyone fuck you up the ass?

You have to have heard the Miriam Marglies episode of the podcast to understand that.

Don't worry, Bob.

Mimi and Marglees came on the podcast and her golden rules for life

were

never let anyone fuck you up the bum.

Do you have golden rules for life, Bob?

Rules for life.

Golden rules for life.

Golden.

Golden rules.

Shit.

Yeah, imagine that.

Yeah,

I think that

it's important that when you're living with other people, that you stay very quiet whilst they're asleep.

Yeah.

I hate, you know, I hate I wa you know, people who are wandering around and putting rate, you know, if someone's still asleep, just keep quiet.

And I like to turn up on time and all.

And I like those two because the two things that you'll never get thanked for.

Do you know what I mean?

You're not doing it for the thank you.

You don't, you don't, when they get up, you don't say to them, I kept quiet

from inside the trunk.

You know, I think they're quite nice things to do.

They're very nice things to do.

How do you stay?

Do you have any tips for staying quiet while other people are asleep?

Do you have any techniques?

Oh, yeah.

Well, just stare out the window.

Count stuff.

Count stuff.

You do, as you get older, you'll find you do stare a lot more.

But you don't necessarily see more.

Do you know?

You're just staring.

And if someone said, what did you say?

Not so sure

where the youngster can take it in nish you'd look outside and say a robin bird and the oak tree's beginning to you know yeah done that's a spot-on impression

says that that's niche the window that's niche it the window all over robin oak tree rosie jones honking a tear

Just like that, immediately, as soon as you said it, beer down, bam, back to her beer.

And then you pushed her over.

Yeah.

disgraceful.

Horse shit.

Disgraceful.

Up of the oak tree, right up that oak tree.

That is

so weird

because

actually

my golden rulers

always

fuck

me

and my girlfriend

up the ass.

Always is the horrifying word in that sentence for me.

I'm assuming you mean any time

whenever you get the chance to have sex with Mimi and Margolis, not just always.

Where's Rosie?

Take a guess.

You know where she is.

Jim!

Always.

Always.

I love Akaster trying to give her a way out and let her go, no, no, I've said this.

Always fuck Miriam Margolies up the ass.

Also breaks two of Bob's golden rules.

Rosie's late, she's fucking Miriam Margolis up the ass.

Miriam's trying to sleep.

And yeah, guys,

unfortunately, Bob, I am quite not a change.

if you lived with Rosie Bob

if you lived with Rosie

Bigger Mosie would well yeah but would you rather live with Alan Sugar or Alan Shearer?

Shearer flats for six months.

Yep.

Oh that is great.

Shit Shearer.

Not even hesitation.

I mean Shira seems like a decent blow sugar seems like an absolute nightmare.

Yeah that was a bad one.

I think it would have to be Shearer, wouldn't it?

Gotta be Shearer.

Oh gosh Shira.

You go sugar.

I go sugar.

Ed, you're diabetic.

It's one of the only sugars I don't have to inject for.

A couple of big dicks in the

shearer, I reckon.

Shearer.

Oh, yeah, it's a bad one.

I usually ask it with daytime presenters.

Yeah.

Do you know, like Martin from Holmes Under the Amma?

Yeah, yeah.

That's a bad one because everyone just says yes

before you get to the second

Martin.

I was just saying, you know,

what's happened?

He's got off the rails, is he?

I don't know, I just genuinely mean that.

What has happened?

I haven't been keeping up

with

Martin's

goings on.

I have chestnuts at Christmas, just so that could say what I have.

Just one thing.

Chestnuts, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And

do people still have them?

Rost chestnuts?

Do people still have chestnuts at Christmas?

They're delicious, aren't they?

It's getting hard though to get.

At the moment, the ratio I'm getting is about one good one out of every four.

It's tough, isn't it?

Because the bad ones taste like shit, they really do.

Do you ever buy them off the street vendors?

You know the chestnut street vendors.

I never go into the street.

I'm either in my house or on parkland.

That's one of my rules.

The third rule.

That's what we're all waiting for.

Never be on the street.

I don't understand the streets anymore, so it's best to keep

on the park ladder, yeah.

What's changed on the streets since back in your day?

Nobody knows, James, because I've not been on the streets.

Do you remember what it was that made you go, I can't be on the streets anymore?

Bloody chestnut sellers.

They're big fat asses.

Oh no,

I couldn't handle it.

There's not not much to see anymore.

There used to be so much to see on the streets.

Kids with hoops,

you know,

kicking a ball around, playing rounders,

bunting everywhere.

It's all gone.

It's all gone now.

It's all gone.

Hello, Tim.

Hello, James.

What's in the back?

Popadoms.

How many pop-adoms have you got?

Ten.

Ten.

Do you want to guess how much they cost?

Oh, that's a good game.

Good game.

Well, just guess then.

$4.99.

What?

What?

$4.99 for $7.

What the fuck are you talking about?

So

in the curry house I go to they go, I'll tell you what, I'll do nine of them for 50p apiece.

And I'll tell you what, I'll throw in a tenth for $49.

I thought you got them for Martin Spencer's thing.

Why think anything?

Good point.

$250.

Can I jump in and say something for this podcast?

Because I love it dearly and I think there's a genuine genuine love of food and food curiosity.

And for this audience, may I just say one thing?

Yes.

For the people listening to this, it's fine if you want to call them papa dums.

Ah.

I don't mind.

I think it's fine because that is the English word.

Can we have an alternative?

So, no, not the alternative, the correct.

So for those of you who are like, oh, I like this food so much, I eat papa dums all the time,

just do yourself a favor and call them the real thing, you know.

It's papad.

CRISPR.

P-A-P-A-D.

It's just, it's just papad.

And you can't say

because that's a sound only South Asians can make, but just say papad.

Because here's the thing: when you, when I see British people love papad papad, and then they say papa dumb, and I'm like, oh, because I feel bad for them.

Yeah.

So just everyone on this podcast, just say papad or in your head, just think it, say, it's popular, but I know it's papa.

Yes, I'll be honest with you, Cindy.

You said this when you came on the podcast, and it was too late to change the catchphrase.

And then we went to America, and no one understood what the fuck we were saying anyway.

But that's America, they don't understand.

Fuck all.

They don't even understand who to get for president.

They got that lunatic.

Fuck them.

Just

like Joe Biden.

It's Papa.

Wait, so we added on the Dom.

No, first of all, you put a O in it, pop.

Pop.

Pop or dom.

It's like what?

It's like if I call bread bodha bodha.

Bread is not boda boda.

It's red.

What's the old for red?

How about this?

I.

How about this?

How about this, James?

There's no downsides to it.

How about you just fucking do it?

Where's the downsides?

Poppad or bread?

Yeah, poppard.

Perfect.

But what if I said poppad or buddha buddha?

Yeah, fine.

But you know what?

I just want to make it very clear.

I'm saying this from a place of true sort of love for people who love food.

You know what I mean?

Like my kids make fun of me.

They say, oh,

when you speak to your Italian friend, instead of calling him Lorenzo, you're like Lorenzo.

They make fun of me.

And I'm not asking you to be that weird guy.

I'm just saying for us who know, just say papad.

No, there's no downside.

I'll tell you what.

Or start calling bread whatever.

Okay, but

I would feel like a total dick in an Indian restaurant if I looked at the menu that says popadom and look at the waiter and go, Three papad, please.

No, because you know what the Indian guy is going to be thinking?

Hella fucking Luya.

Finally, somebody.

Well, I promise you, Cindy, this is a promise now.

We've recorded quite a few episodes for the next series.

But the next episode we record, I will say papad or bread to them.

I'll shout that.

Great.

And we will see how it goes.

Say how it goes.

I promise you, I will do it the next episode.

And we'll see how it goes.

Because saying a word the way that it's supposed to be said and it's not your language is not always something that's done with an intention outside of love for that thing, you know?

And I think we know you love Papar.

Yes.

So say it, Papur, and that's fine.

And anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off.

Yeah.

Anyway, that's what I brought along.

Can I just jump in on behalf of Zimbabwe?

You know when you say still or sparkling?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Just call it what it is, yeah?

Still,

and then as Zimbabwe's would say, maniac water.

Maniac water?

Maniac water.

I'll do that.

You have my word, would you?

The next episode we record.

This is genuinely like a Christmas tree.

Do you want to add in your culture?

Yeah, I would like to add something from my culture, James.

Yeah.

When you say starter, we tend to say hors d'oeuvre.

Au fucking d'oeuvre.

There's no downside.

Just get it fucking right.

Welcome to the show, Tim.

Thanks for having me.

For a minute there, it felt like you genuinely turned up to a Christmas party late and you just stood in the corner with your first drink while people had an argument

for two and a half hours.

Do you like Christmas, Tim?

Yeah.

Do you like it?

What's your problem with Christmas?

Huh?

What's your problem with Christmas?

No problem, no problem.

We unveil the poppadot.

A veil?

Unveil them.

Unveil.

Yes.

But, Ed, do you like Christmas?

I love Christmas.

Yeah.

I never got Christmas.

I'm about to get to you.

Relax.

Did you like Christmas?

I'll be honest, there wasn't much of a fucking gap in your bit.

Do you like Christmas?

Yeah.

Yeah, do you like Christmas?

It's okay.

It's okay.

Good.

But we all are on the okay side of Christmas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like it.

Yeah, it's not.

I like Christmas.

Tim,

what bag did you bring your pop-adoms in there?

Your paper bag?

It says Jojo Maman Bepe.

Yeah.

So just in case anyone doesn't know what that shop is, it's Maternity, Baby and Child, Nursery and Toys.

They sell pop-adoms.

What's the story?

What's the story behind that bag, Tim?

What you got that bag for, mate?

Toys are very dirty on the bottom.

Yeah.

Very dirty on the bottom.

Like a baby.

So it's basically a case of where to get the bag and explain the dirt.

Rather than constructing my menu this time.

Oh yeah, no menu.

No menu.

No menu this time.

Oh, I bought a

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,

you know, baby, what is it called?

Baby, uh, baby grow.

A baby grow.

Yeah, for my goddaughter, Esther.

Lovely.

Yeah.

That's quite sweet.

How did a bag get so dirty?

And then I, oh yeah, I wiped my ass, I scraped it on the bottom.

That's my humour.

That's perfect stuff for me.

Perfect.

Now, Tim, you brought the puppad

because, okay.

Fantastic.

Because it was a big chat.

The craze that was spreading the nation.

Yeah.

Shall I be mother?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Big fans of Shall I Be Mother?

Look,

you said it was a fan favourite, and it truly is a fan favourite.

Do I explain Shall I Be Mother to the people who haven't heard this?

Well, weirdly, no, I don't, because when you made up a Shall I Be Mother, it had nothing to do with me.

You pinned it onto me, James.

You two hatched a plan to make me be a person who says, shall I be mother and karate chops poppadoms.

But

in actual real life, I don't do that.

I think it sounds like exactly the kind of thing you would do.

Oh, I wouldn't.

Well, it fits in.

I'm not saying it doesn't fit in,

but I don't do it.

That's like someone being, you know, arrested for murder and then they go, did you do this one?

Actually, they might have done, but you know, you've got to do the research.

Research?

Research.

Detective work.

Yeah.

But then

when I've listened back to it, you are the one that's...

You've listened back to it.

Yeah.

Wowie.

Yours?

Bit sad.

Yours I listen back to, Tim?

You listen back.

Fun favourite.

Do you have listening parties?

I think you're starting to believe you're in hype.

You are the one who brings up shallow be mother as a phrase, then.

No, no, no, no.

No, I'm pointing at James there.

Ah, right

look at people when they're talking to you

yeah I bring it up and I genuinely in the moment believed that Tim would have said it yes that's not in dispute so I think it was fine to say you said it

I think it was fine to say that I once saw you karate chopper poppadom and say, shall I be mother?

Popped.

Here's the question, Tim.

Since that's the podcast.

Do you want me to help, Cindy?

No.

Pass it here.

Pass it here.

I can sort this.

I've seen what you did to that back.

No, I'm not going to do that.

Pass it here.

Pass it here.

Right.

You take a puppet off an Indian woman and say, shall I help?

I will do it.

That's called colonisation.

No, I'm not colonizing.

Coding it.

You come here.

I can sort.

I promise I'm not colonising you.

What I'm doing is

I'm just saying, shall I be mother?

Shall I be mother?

Just so everyone knows.

Just so everyone knows, in 1757, when the British showed up, they said, We're not colonizing you, and then they did that.

That's what happened.

57, I think that was 50.

Is it 57?

1757 Battle of Plastic.

That's when it started.

I believe they said

Shall I be mother?

Yeah, and they said, Shall I be mother?

Wow, three minutes to six.

There was a lot of chat about your favourite Indian restaurant.

Favourite Indian restaurant, yeah.

And you would not reveal the name on the podcast.

If you announce it here tonight,

we will bleep it on the actual podcast.

Perfect.

But these people will hear it.

Will you reveal?

Yeah.

You're definitely going to bleep it.

We'll bleep it on the actual podcast.

So these guys can go?

Yeah, it's a mere 2,500 people.

They're not all going to go.

Okay, so we're going to get the name out there.

I like going to this place.

Yeah,

it's really busy.

You can't just invite 18,000 people.

Can you?

Have you been to this place?

You've not told me the name of it.

You refuse to say it.

Tell us the name of it.

Okay, and you're going to bleep it.

We'll bleep it.

We'll bleep it.

What is it?

It's an Indian restaurant, and it's the best Indian restaurant in London.

And sometimes they have a sitar player.

It's fantastic.

Uh oh.

Okay.

Oh no.

Hold on,

Cindy's not going, so it's $17,999 now.

It's fantastic.

The guy who runs it is phenomenal and

it always gets us in there.

If you are going to go, go.

But go,

you know, gently.

You can't say a restaurant's fantastic because the owner always gets you in there.

That's the basics of a restaurant, I think.

Do you want to know it or not?

Yes.

Masala zone.

Come on!

Oh!

Fuck off, Tim.

Don't do this to me.

I do need to know.

I know what it is.

Yeah, nice and.

Oh, yeah, just whisper to each other now.

Yes.

He knows.

I just told him to nod.

Well, I did nod.

I did my acting.

Been in any fun lifts lately, Tim?

Uh, yeah.

When Tim came on the podcast, he went on a lift that, uh what was it called?

Paternoster lift.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, here we go!

In Sheffield.

Yes, yes, in Sheffield.

In Sheffield!

Fucking finally!

Telling these guys, these twats don't have a fucking clue.

I've seen it.

Yeah.

I'll be honest, it's the first time I've

ever seen anyone pull a neck oil out of a Jojo Mama beggar bag.

Have you been on it?

100%.

And it's so dangerous.

100%.

I love 100%.

It's so dangerous.

Because there's no mechanism, there's no emergency stop.

So if you happen to have very long legs

and one leg goes on and keeps going up, it can be broken between the wall and the lift.

It can and it will.

Yeah.

Oh, you guys.

Lost some good men on that left.

Ask them to explain it to you.

Sorry, sorry, is this an elevator?

Yeah.

Why are your legs going up and down?

That's only half the story.

No, no, but why are your legs going up and down?

Because you might go, oh, there's a lift, and you put one leg.

You...

Wait, wait, wait.

You might say there's a lift and put one leg.

What are you doing?

You have to step into it.

Just in case anyone wants the definition of optimism, Benito just appeared at the door and said there's five minutes left.

Okay, no, so is this a lift in a building?

Yeah, always in a building.

Okay, so this is a lift?

Okay.

Fair enough.

Fair enough.

So this is...

This is a lift in a building in Sheffield.

And somehow to organize yourself to get inside, you need to use your leg.

Well, you will admit, you will adjust.

I think the phrase that Amunya didn't use was step into the lift.

Oh, so you need to step into the lift.

Most journeys start with a single step.

Dude, I get that.

But why do your long legs matter?

Why do your long legs matter?

This is a lift that is two

sort of cubicles, elevators,

constantly rotating on a belt system.

Oh, thank you Eddie.

It goes round and round and round.

And you need to step in at the right point when it goes past your floor and get off at the right point.

And the reason it's more easy to talk people is, as a short person, if my leg goes in first, generally there's not enough of it, so my whole body goes in with it.

As a tall person, fragments of your leg can go in first.

Fragments of my fucking legs.

I have extremely long legs.

I'm not saying.

And I have never put fragments of my leg into anything.

But you lived funny.

You know Sydney's body follows her legs, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, but

your whole leg went ahead of you.

Yeah, because I was doing an impression of the exact thing you're

talking about.

Anyway, I've been in it and survived, so you can't tell me, you know, how to survive it.

You survived the mutton.

Dude, you survived nuts with a nut allergy.

You're amazing.

And may I ask you a question, Moni?

Yeah.

In your Paternoster career, why were you there, by the way?

Did you study in Sheffield?

I studied psychology.

Right, yeah.

What?

Psychology, what?

Psychology.

You could have a major in yourself.

You're like a Batman villain who took on too much of his patience.

I think you're a really nice chat show host.

Yeah, thank you.

Were you in the arts tower then?

All the time, yeah, sure.

That was my thrills.

My thrills.

You know what I mean?

When you're a student and you're broke, you talk about struggle meals.

There were days I was going back.

You know, I remember I told you I ate porridge with Vimpto.

That's how I was like, yeah, sorry, thanks for leaning around.

Tim's fully turned his back to me, even though I'm one of the hosts of this.

Anyway, I've been in that lift because it's an easy thrill.

Yeah, lovely thrill.

It's an easy thrill.

It's an easy thrill if your legs don't follow your body and fragments of them have to follow away.

And if you're short, you go head first, yes.

It's an easy thrill if you can get all of the fragments on.

Exactly.

It's an easy thrill if you're a slinky.

I don't know what would happen if you put a slinky on a Patanosta.

It's what would happen if you put a massive slinky.

This is the Christmas dinner party off menu.

And it really now feels like the end of an actual Christmas dinner party.

Except for the fact that two and a half thousand people sat in front of us and we are all going...

But

I guess my problem with that,

Ed, is...

I don't think I would usually use the term Christmas dinner party.

Could you not?

No, it's Christmas Day and you have Christmas dinner.

You don't say let's have a Christmas dinner party.

Yeah, fair enough.

But we're not going to say this is Christmas Day, are we?

What?

Now, Munya.

Fucking hell.

You're joking.

When you were in your career on the Patanosta lift,

did you ever go over the top and come back down?

You know what?

I never had the courage.

Learning for sure.

What holds you when you're going over the hump?

What?

Fucking gravity, Munya.

Same as when you're walking over a fucking hill

when you're in a plane.

What do you mean, what holds you?

You know what I'm saying, though?

Yeah, it's not Willy Wonka, mate.

This host.

Petinoscale scum.

What holds you when you're going over the top, Tim?

Do you know?

I think there might be a grain of truth in gravity.

Did you do it?

Just the twice.

How'd it feel?

Dicey.

Tim, we got your present, but

I don't know how it's going to feel.

Now, Tim, I'll be honest.

I feel slightly heartbroken by this present.

We are so excited.

You ready?

Yep.

Yep, there you go.

Shall I be mother?

We didn't didn't know you were going to bring your own.

Damn it.

Here we go.

You might want to shield your eyes in the front if you're not wearing glasses.

To signify the first ever paparo bread.

Yes.

Here we go.

Oh, lovely.

Do you want to say it?

Paparo bread!

Papara bread, chipkee!

Paparo bread!

Shall I be mother?

Yes, please.

Fucking hell!

Disintegrated it.

Look at that!

Honestly, are you the incredible Hulk?

That is fucking insane.

Turn it to dust.

Thank God we rented these four carpets.

Because the poor hay Dougie sack would be ruined.

What a lovely memory that was, James.

What a night.

Brilliant night.

We dedicate it to the memory of Nishkuma.

Yes.

But of course, aside from all of that, 2022, I think we'll all remember as the year to phone your mum.

Yes, hopefully this will become a more regular feature in the podcast in 2023 because we love these phone calls.

Amy Gledhill and Ryland Clark just get in on the old bell to their mothers.

So see, actually, seaweed on mash

in particular is like

mash.

I love the idea of it.

I can imagine it, but I've just never been in a situation where it's been it's been possible never been possible i've never been to the half moon would you try it at home yeah i'd do that at home for sure really on the tarragon does it go over the tarragon

yeah yeah yeah i wouldn't be confident enough you're the mash king man yeah but not put seaweed on it just a spring just a little sprinkle oh no you sprinkle them i thought this was the jelly stuff what why are we talking here oh oh are you talking like crispy crispy dry you're talking about like the stuff that goes around sushi no well it's about the stuff like if you went to like a chinese restaurant you got it as a starter that kind of seaweed yeah i guess that kind of seaweed that makes more sense to me yeah i guess nori would also work the sheets that they're at they like sushi you can get sheets yeah yeah but they're sprinkling them on they're not sprinkling oh yeah you're not sprinkling a sheet on yeah but you do you can get it you can chop up a sheet can we ring them now

i would be against it yeah

yeah i'll ring them yeah do it oh my god i'll ring them and we'll find out what's going on you say just asking you about the seaweed that you put on the roast and they go, are you with Amy?

Oh my god.

Here we go.

Putting them on speaker.

Oh my god.

Good evening, Huffman.

Good day.

Hello, I just phoned in to have a quick question.

With the roasts, is there the option to have seaweed on them?

Is this the right place?

sorry could you say that again a bit loud in here yeah no worries um with the roast dinners

is there an option to have seaweed on the roast dinners is that is this the right yeah is this the right place

sorry there's a place there's a place nearby is this just just outside of Cottonham yeah sorry say that's again

are you just outside of Cottonham the um yeah we are yeah okay there's a place nearby that does roasts that have sorry my friend it was trying to we're trying to book a place that she remembers

Oh the mill house

Oh okay, thank you very much cheers thanks mate.

Bye.

Bye

Give me the number Benito

Give me the number because it was not it was not

a noisy restaurant on our hands there.

She was not enjoying it.

It's not Skidby.

Should I text my mum?

Text your mum that could have been a most is like style prank because she just ran with it she just went along it yeah the seaweed and the earth did a poo hey anyone say the seaweed

i mean it's not looking good for you because

imagine what a thing to make up you know that there's a place that does seaweed on the roast yeah we should be calling your mum i don't want to call my mum

up to you i don't know how much of this is staying in for the listener, but this is the most amount of research we've ever done.

Yeah.

Mid-pod.

Seaweed, roast dinner cottonum is what I'm going to Google.

I feel like I'm in CTU.

Oh, I love it.

Have you texted your mum?

Yeah.

What's up to?

I really want to know this.

Shall I ring my mum?

Yeah, ring your mum.

Ring your mum.

Do I put her on speakerphone?

Only if you want, if you feel comfortable with that.

Yeah, it's up to you.

Okay.

Imagine if it's the woman in the pub again.

Sorry, it's nice.

Come on, I'm Mother Gladhill.

Hello.

Hiya, Mum.

Hi, Ed.

Are you alright?

Yeah, yeah.

I've got a weird question.

I'm doing a podcast right now.

Uh-huh.

So you're on speakerphone and with James and Ed, do you want to say hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Signal maker, I warn you.

Oh, brilliant.

Okay, well, just being quick,

we're trying to find the name of the restaurant we went to where we had a kind of a roast dinner on a big roundabout.

And we drove there, and on the roast dinner, they like sprinkle seaweed on the mash.

And we're trying to find that restaurant.

And I can't remember the name of it.

And I thought it was near Cottingham.

Do you remember?

It was before COVID, but I drove there.

So it was after I passed my driving test.

God.

Do you remember what it was called?

Oh just ask your dad.

Okay.

Can you remember a restaurant we went to in the drove

and it was on a round table you say?

No it was on a roundabout, it's on a big roundabout.

Oh it's on a big roundabout

and the sprinkle seaweed or something on the mash.

We had a big roast dinner.

We had a big roast dinner.

It's on a big roundabout.

Just before COVID.

And was there just me and me and you dad and you?

I think maybe there was one other person, but I know I drove because I left first before you did.

So it wasn't Victoria Dock

when you drove off.

No, it wasn't.

No, it wasn't then.

It wouldn't have been Home Farm, would it?

You would have got a Cavary from there.

Maybe.

Absolutely.

Could be be home farm

near the Humber Bridge, yeah.

Could be Humber.

That's on the big roundabout, isn't it?

Yeah, we did go there.

We did go there.

Because I think

I can remember getting a pink gin because I wasn't driving.

Yeah, maybe it was that then.

All right, then.

Well, I'm just trying to work out which one it is, so we'll try that one.

Thanks, mum.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right.

Bye, then.

Bye.

Bye.

Your mum's an absolute hero.

Thank you for calling the Home Farm Brewer's Fair.

I'm sorry, all of our team members are busy with guests at the moment.

If you'd like to book a table, you can always book online at www.brewersfair.co.uk, where you can also find lots of information on how you can dine safely with us.

Thanks for your call, and we look forward to seeing you soon.

No option of an answer, John.

No.

Just free advertising.

Free advertising for him.

Just gave him a free advert.

I'll be honest,

it doesn't feel like the sort of place that they're going to offer seaweed.

Absolutely.

It's a Brewer's Fair.

It's something we're allowed to throw to the listeners, which is torture.

Here's the reason I really want to be able to solve this for you, Adam.

Yeah, please.

Because if we don't solve it in this episode,

there is a right answer out there.

There will be a lot of people who know that answer yeah and you will get every single week for the rest of your life someone tweeting you what the answer to this thing is there

we've when nicola coffin came in the episode uh she couldn't remember what a staffshare oatcake was we didn't solve it within the episode right every day of her life every day someone tweets her going oh just so you know it's a staffordshire oatcake yeah every single day and still it's still part of her life even though she's on the biggest show on networks yeah

so if we don't solve this for you, we've end the episode, everyone's going to be tweeting you going, it's this place.

Yeah.

And that's all your timeline is going to be.

But I think that's it.

We're going to have to move on.

It sounds delicious.

I'm going to, I'm going to just message my brother Paul.

And if he gets back within the episode, then we'll know.

My mum, I built her a house five minutes from mine.

She can't get it.

Oh no.

She can't get it.

But actually, my mum is still

eating on the phone.

Oh, yeah.

Trifle, M ⁇ S.

M ⁇ S trifle.

Yeah.

She rung me twice last night.

If I showed you my phone, you'll see my real name's Ross.

She'll be like, Ross, why haven't you answered the phone?

If she's just rung me, then she'll ring me again.

I've got like three missed calls.

So last night, I then see my phone and think, fuck, she's had a fall.

She's been attacked.

She's been robbed.

Did I leave them Erwick air fresheners on your kitchen island?

I swear to fucking God.

Look.

Also,

if you've got missed calls from her, you know that she's been eating all night.

Cause you're phoning her.

I've just got a text from her.

So, this is last night.

Ross, did I leave your air fresheners?

Just now, 10:31.

Ross, where are you?

I'm in your house.

Why are you in

my house?

I'm at work.

Do you want to give her a call?

Should we ring her?

Probably is.

Interesting if Linda's eating.

Hello.

All right, where are you?

Oh, fucking hell, where you been?

I thought you'd just been murdered, you know.

What, because I've not answered the phone?

No,

I went in, couldn't see you, went upstairs to put the plagins in, you know, the things.

Effort.

It didn't look like it'd been fucking main sex.

I'm sorting out the beauty drawers.

I'm sorting out well with them face masks and everything.

That's what's on the floor.

I've talked to you to someone and done you in.

I've been up the swim poll to see if you fucking commit suicide.

Oh, I've been all over.

I've been in the office, didn't put the thing up to shut the door.

But, you know, I thought I've phoned you.

I thought, where the fuck is he?

Mum, you phoned me once.

I thought, no, and then I messaged you.

Yeah, saying, where are you?

And I've just seen it.

Yeah.

Oh, of course.

So where are you anyway?

I'm at work.

I'm doing a podcast for the book.

Oh, right.

Well, sorry, I didn't know you was going out because I thought, you know, you tell me you're out tomorrow.

The television.

I've left it on because i didn't know where you was yeah no i left the telly on this one all right all right go on then i'll ring you later

oh

gold spot art chat looked in every cupboard

why do you think i've been a fucking cupboard

in case someone's cut me up

well i thought where is he you ain't told me he's out today sorry i didn't realize i needed to ring you to tell you i was going to work i'm on my way to james but i thought i'd pop in on the way all right did you find the air fresheners, by the way?

Yeah, I've got them.

Oh, good.

I've had it

in the front room, because I'm fighting that velvet, so I'll put it up in the spare room.

You know, the room next to yours, one of them.

Right.

In that bedroom, plugged it in.

And the other one has run out behind the puffy at the top floor.

I see the spider, I ain't touched it.

Yeah.

I put the spider under the glass.

Yeah, I didn't like it.

Yeah, under the glass.

See that.

Alright, then, go on, I'll talk to you later.

What time are you on?

home i don't know yet i'll let you know all right well um do you know your street door still we're not running it's all double locks itself why it's automatic mum oh all right as long as you can get in when you get home i ain't got to come out mum i live there of course i can get in yeah i know but you say to me don't double lock it i don't but i had to turn it a few times to unlock it mum it's fingerprint it's fine don't worry all right all right go on in i'm going to join you just to freshen it up and then i'll be home all right mum.

And then do you need anything picked up?

No, I'm alright.

Who are you laughing at?

No, just you.

You just make me laugh.

Right, I'm going.

Oh, God, love you.

Love you, buddy.

Right.

I've only done wearing that air.

It's only that property.

I'm not going to be dead in the gym, am I?

Oh, I don't know.

Perhaps you've worked out.

Something's fell on you or something.

Right.

Alright, I'm going.

Bye.

Bye.

Now, do you see what I've got to put up with?

Everyone thinks she's hilarious.

Throw her up.

She is.

Well, she is.

Yeah, yeah.

She called me.

She didn't even know she was being.

No, she called me, right?

Really funny.

At

10.50, she called me, right?

At 10.30, she texted me saying, where are you?

I'm in your house.

Now, this happened not long ago.

Yeah.

Right.

I'm single now.

Yeah.

And the worst thing I ever did was give my mum a fob for my gate.

Genuinely.

Because now I've had to put location on my phone to see where she is.

Right?

She will just turn up.

Yeah.

Let herself in, which is fine.

She's my mum.

You do what you want.

You do you.

But I said to her very specifically, one night, do not come round in the morning.

I will not be there.

Yeah.

I'm going training with my trainer at his house.

I will not be there.

All right.

Yeah.

No way.

Jamie.

That's my brother.

All right.

I had someone at my house that stayed.

At 8:30 the following morning, I'm in bed and I can hear

I've never

jumped out of bed so quickly, run down the stairs to scream, what the fuck are you doing here?

I thought you were out.

Whose car's that?

I went, get the fuck out of my house and go home.

She's like, all right, and she was gone.

This is my life now.

This is my life.

She thought something followed on you at the gym.

I've checked every cupboard in case you were cut up.

Checked all the cupboards.

If you don't answer her, within five minutes,

you're dead, apparently.

That's it.

It's all like.

Are you cut up and dead in the cupboards?

Or something's followed on you at the gym?

The spiders are still under the glass, so that's it.

So that's the other thing I wanted to check about.

So there was a spider.

I got bit on my face the other way.

Yeah.

It's still there.

I've got a little lump.

I don't know where it was.

And I saw this spider the other day.

Yeah.

And I just threw a glass over it.

Yeah.

And just left it there.

For now.

Yeah.

It's still there.

For now, yeah.

But she saw it and she hasn't touched it.

She won't touch it.

Yeah, she won't.

She saw the spider.

My room doesn't look like bombs hit it.

I've got like a dressing room, and I was sorting out all my beautiful bags.

I believe the phrase was, your room looks like it's been fucking ransacked.

Yeah, that's it.

Which is why she thought I was dead.

Yeah.

Which is why she thought I was dead.

Every bit.

Oh, you can't.

Like, where are you?

Well, I'm clearly not there.

I checked the poll in case you'd done yourself in.

Surprised you didn't check under the glass.

I don't know with the spider.

I'm an adult man and it's daytime on a Wednesday.

I'm 33 and it's Wednesday daytime.

And my mum is calling me thinking I'm dead in a cupboard because I've not spoken to her since last night at about 10 o'clock when she was looking for some air fresheners.

That she's now plugged in behind the puffy.

And from what I gather, she's going to someone else's house now.

She's now going to my brother's.

She's now going to my brother's, who I wouldn't normally say this, but by the time this comes out, he won't be, is on holiday.

Yeah.

And she will let herself in there and freshen it up.

But what she does, we just let her do it now because it's easier to not have the argument to say, stop fucking doing it.

I have a window cleaner, right?

The whole back of my house is glass.

I pay them quite a lot of money to clean the inside and outside of them windows so they look nice.

She will come in with a cloth and wipe the inside of my windows.

So when it's sunny, all it is is smears.

And the reason why she does it is because she used to, may God rest his soul, she used to drive up back to London where we used to live every week to my uncle Bert's before he died and used to clean his windows because he lived in a block of flats and she used to hang out, fucking hell, she's 70, like, and clean his windows.

Bert never would tell her that the windows were fucking smeary.

So she thinks she's handy-handy.

She thinks, oh, no, she cleans her windows are the best windows in Essex now.

But she don't realize when she's using a cloth, you then need to use a different cloth to buff it off.

So I've got a specialist glass cleaner.

I've got this.

I've got window stuff.

I've got this.

No, don't work with Linda.

So I pay more in that

for her to fuck the windows up that have just been cleaned.

Absolutely brilliant.

But that's my mum.

So for anyone who thinks that she's not a real person, there you go.

There you go.

That is pretend she stops at Marx's as well.

Trifle.

Should I just ring her and just say, you go Marx's?

Well, there we are.

The best of 2022.

Done, James.

Thank you for listening.

And then the next bullet point says, we'll be back in the new year for series 9.

And then a third bullet point that says to end, it's a traditional pop-a-doms or bread compilation.

What a perfect way to end.

He really wrote all the early links in a very specific way, you know.

That was all referencing himself and how great he is.

And then at the end, he just went, bam, bam, bam, go to bed, drinking peach beer, go to bed.

We will see you next year for Series 9.

And who knows, we might spank the plank.

We might be spanking the planks and treading the boards

goodbye everyone happy new year happy new year

dear poppin' sob bread popped up bread melted like pop loves our bread oh god

pop it up bread fly with joan pop dumbs or bread pop an ums or bread pop laws or bread standy too pop an ups or bread did you i'm sorry poppin' um so bread bread popped up so bread

so the poppin' um or bread question always confuses me.

It feels like a very British thing, that question.

Yes, to be fair, it is.

Poppin' dumbs or bread!

Poplobs or bread, Richard E.

Grant, pop dumbs or bread.

Poplums or bread, Alex Horde.

Popadubs or bread.

White bread, please.

Poppadubs or bread.

Poplums or bread, Daddy Hussein.

Popped up some bread.

What not what hopnobs or bread?

Poppadums or bread.

Poppa dumbs or bread?

Oh, I thought you said hobnobs.

You scared me.

You're so loud.

Um

pop-a-doms.

Pop-a-dubs or bread!

Pop-a-dobs or bread, Charlotte Church!

Pop-a-nobs or bread!

Most certainly, I want a really diverse bread basket.

Text it where you want to go for a meal, but text me if you're wondering where to buy a lemon.

You want a lemon.

Pop-dubs or bread!

Pop-doms or bread, the great mini-toe.

Pop-nobs or bread.

What?

Pop-a-nobs or bread!

Oh, pop-a-doms.

I thought you said problems or bread.

I was like, oh.

Do you interpret it however you want?

Pop-dubs or bread!

Oh my god!

Pop-dubs or bread, Vita, so we have it.

Pop lobs or bread.

I knew that was coming, but it's so scary.

Okay, um.

You did it well there, man.

Thank you.

That was really good.

Yeah.

Did you even take a breath?

Speaking of which, pop logs or bread.

I'm going to go.

I've had a think about it.

I'm going to go for brown crackers.

That's what I'm thinking.

Pop an obsorp.

Pop it up soft bread, Adam Buxton.

Pop it up some bread.

Bread every time.

Yeah, it's the factory speaker.

Pop an observation.

Pop numbs on bread, Shiva McSweeney.

Pop and lobs on bread.

Is that how you treat your sodas from beginning to see what the problem is here?

Screaming at his soda screen.

You're the first person I've made jump in ages.

In ages.

You shouldn't be proud of that.

Yeah.

Popping up's on bread.

Yes.

Pop loves on bread, Michael.

Pop loves bread.

That pop shield, I've got to say, it's such a worthwhile investment.

Pop-doms.

As much as I like champagne, like most people do,

my mouth tastes of arse afterwards.

Do you know what?

It's so horrible the breath champagne gives people.

So for that reason alone, I think Schler's worth a punt.

Poplums or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Tammy Edgerton.

Pop loves or bread.

Okay, pop a dumbs.

Yeah.

Yeah, pop a doms.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop loves our bread.

Bread.

Bread.

Fair enough.

Pop nums or bread.

Pop logs or bread, Jamali Maddox.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop a dumbs.

Yeah.

I was intense, then do you know what?

It put me under a lot of pressure.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Tim Key!

Pop lobs or bread!

Point this question, we know what he's gonna say.

No, we don't.

We don't know what I'm gonna say.

Pop lobs or bread!

Oh no!

Pop lobs or bread, Adam, Magliano!

Pop loves or bread!

Okay.

Pop lobs or bread!

Pop lobs or bread, as McCann.

Pop lobs or bread!

Bread.

You're about to have terrible sex.

Pop lobs or bread!

Pop lobs or bread, Timmy Pritchard McLean.

Pop lobs or bread.

What was it like, by the way?

You are the first person who has had pop logs or bread shouted at them over Zoom and in person.

Yeah.

Which one did you prefer?

I think I preferred it in person.

Thank you.

Pop lobs or bread.

Oh, pop lobs or bread, Chloe Pets.

Pop logs or bread.

God, I vowed that it wouldn't take me by surprise, but it did.

It feels like I'm being heckled at an Ed Gamble gig.

Pop an observation!

Pop an obsorpread, Chris Red!

Pop an observer bread!

Huh?

Pop an obsorpread!

Pop an obsorpread, Chris Red!

Pop an obsorbre!

Bread!

Pop an absorb bread.

Pop and absorb bread.

Jarvis Cocker, pop and absorb bread.

Um,

well, I'm trying to be a bit gluten-free nowadays.

I mean, we used to watch Jamita Panini.

Yeah.

Pop and absorb bread.

Pop loaves of bread, Baba Tunde.

Pop and absorb bread.

Why are you shouting at me?

Pop an absorbed bread.

Oh.

Pop loaves of bread, Angela Hartlet.

Pop loaves of bread.

Breads, breads, bread, without doubt.

Bread, bread, bread.

That makes sense.

Does it?

Yeah, pop and absorb bread.

Bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Felicity Ward.

Pop and absorb bread.

Bread.

100% never gonna go pop a dumb.

It's a miserable existence.

Popadums or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Mike Sher.

Pop a dumbs or bread.

Bread, please.

Thank you.

Um, I'll just leave it at that.

Poplums or bread.

Poplums or bread, fatty little gory.

Pop a dumbs or bread.

Bread.

Oh, thanks, man.

Pop a lobs or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Paul Chelde.

Popped up some bread.

I'm not sure whether you're asking me about pop-doms because I'm Indian.

Poplums or bread.

Pop-lumps or bread, Paul Hollywood.

Poppin'.

Obviously, I've got to He's got to go bread.

But then what type of bread?

Pop an obsorb bread.

Poppin' obsorb bread, Rob Bryden.

Pop an obsorpread.

Okay, well, it's a reasonable question.

Pop an obsorb bread.

Pop an observer bread, Lylan Clark.

Pop an obsorb bread.

Pop a dumbs.

Pop an obsorb bread.

Pop an obsorb bread, Dame Baptiste.

Pop a doms or bread.

Good question.

Um, I'm gonna go for Popadums.

Am I making this up now?

Pop an obsorb bread.

Pop an obsorb bread, Robin Poppad.

Poppadums or bread.

Fucking bread.

For cartshaw.

So, yeah, still warm.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop a dumbs every time.

Pop a dumbs.

Pop a dumbs or bread.

Pop loves or bread, Matt Lucas.

Pop a dumbs or bread.

Oh,

pop a dumbs.

Fair enough.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop loves or bread, Brian Cox.

Pop a dumbs or bread.

Uh, pop a dumbs.

Poplums or bread.

Oh.

Pop lobs or bread, Siqueza.

Poplums or bread.

Aggressive, but neither.

Oh.

Pop loves or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Lady Henry.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop a dumbs.

Pop a dumbs are great.

Pop-lobs or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, Tom Davis.

Pop-a-lobs or bread.

I'm a bread fan.

I love my bread.

We are quite cute about it.

Pop-lubs or bread.

Bread.

Pop-lubs or bread.

Bread.

It's bread.

Sit down.

Pop-a-dom.

Pop-a-dom.

He got me.

Or bread.

Yeah.

It's bread.

Pop-lums or bread.

Oh, God.

Pop-lobs or bread, Amy Glen Hill.

Pop-lubs or bread.

Bread.

Bread, please.

Toast got scared.

We finally got Benito's dog off to sleep so he he wasn't disturbing the record and then we all forgot that he was about to be woken up horrifically.

Rise and shine you mangy mutton!

At Certopro Painters, we know that a happy place comes in many colors.

Like ones that inspire a sense of wonder or a new flavor that makes life just a little bit sweeter.

Or one to celebrate those moments that lift you to new heights at home or at work.

We'll make your happy place your own.

Certapro Painters.

That's Painting Happy.

Each Certipro Painters business is independently owned and operated.

Contractor license and registration information is available at Certipro.com.

Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode.

So they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims, and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok.

At Off Menu Podcast on YouTube, you can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it.

And you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.