Best of 2022: Part 1

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

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Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

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It's the end of 2022, James, and it's been our biggest and best year of off menu yet.

Maximum national treasures, minimal cheese boards, and we showed the toooch a picture of a cat.

Here's part one of our favourite clips from the 44 episodes that we've put out this year.

44?

As we often say here at off-menu, Benito...

Benito is an excellent...

I was going to say it with you.

Ah.

Because we often say it.

Oh, okay.

This is the first time we're reading this, obviously, James, because Benito's written this.

So let's see what he said.

Yes.

As we often say here at Off Menu, Benito is an excellent producer and close personal friend.

But also, we often say, James, that food is about comfort.

Benito, neither of us have ever said that.

Neither of us have ever said that shit.

We don't say that about you.

So we start this year's compilation with some comforting, heartwarming descriptions of homemade food from James.

Charlotte Church, Taron Edgerton, Matt Lucas, Sakisa, and Lenny Henry.

What a crazy group of guests we've had on.

I imagine.

the way in which I was brought up, right, was in a very nutritionally deficient way.

I was raised on like turkey dinosaurs and microchips and spam.

And my family are obsessed with cheese on a plate.

Love it.

So there's nothing else happened apart from it being melted cheese on a plate.

That's it.

So, I mean, I've never heard of melted cheese on a plate as a side dish.

I absolutely love this.

How are they melting the cheese?

Are they melting the cheese separately and then pouring it onto the plate, or is it on the plate to stick the whole plate under the grill?

The cheese is on the plate and it just goes straight under the grill.

The cheese melts on the plate.

That is, that is considered a bit of tea.

So the plate must be like boiling hot, so you can't touch the plate, you're gonna burn yourself.

Yeah.

So

have you all got a fork and you're getting yourself a bit of cheese and eating it?

Or what's going on?

I can't even picture.

In my head, it's this flat bit of cheese.

Yeah.

Are you grating it onto?

Because I'm imagining the cheese is getting grated onto the plate, then grilled.

Or is it just a block of cheese on the plate and then that melts?

It's just a block of cheese on the plate.

A block.

And then it gets melted.

You often will just like put a tea towel under the plate so it's bearable and then crack on with the melted cheese.

Just eat that.

It's just Welsh fondue, basically, isn't it?

Yeah, totally.

Cheese on a plate, babes.

Working

Welsh fare.

Cheddar?

Is it Cheddar?

Is that what we're talking here?

Oh, it's probably a bit of cathedral city.

It's nothing posh, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

Lovely.

Wow.

Say I'm hungover and I'm having a curry.

I mean, I'll introduce mayonnaise to a curry.

Ah, yeah.

Wow.

Or I'll put it on.

I mean, people who don't put mayonnaise on pizza drive me up the wall.

What?

So I.

Yeah, no,

I know what you mean, actually.

People who don't put jam on a burger annoying.

No, I can't.

Are you these people?

The history books are full of people everyone said was mad until they invented the light bulb or something.

Sure, yeah.

It's similar.

It's exactly like that.

You know, if you've got a pizza, particularly I feel if it's like a frozen pizza that's a bit uninspiring, if you take a big old dollar per mayonnaise from a jar and you just spread it on top like butter over a crumpet,

I promise you, it's going to take that thing to the next level.

You've got to just expand the way you're thinking because the components are the same as a sandwich.

It's bread, it's a tomato sauce, it's meat, it's veg.

It's all the same thing.

It's just in a slightly different form.

And you would never go, you're putting mayonnaise on a sandwich, you're heathen.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

But listen.

I'm open to the idea.

I like that you do it.

I think the issue that we had is people who don't put mayonnaise on a pizza doom are headed.

Like, Like, because that's everybody except you, Taron.

Okay, all right.

Okay.

Well, perhaps I may have been a little bit overzealous in the introduction of the idea, but

I would encourage everyone to try it.

So when you're preparing for a film role and being healthy, it's pretty easy.

You just cut out mayonnaise slab of pizzas.

Yeah, that's the way I lose the first start.

Because I like, you know, when you're ordering a pizza and sometimes you can get dips and stuff.

Sometimes you'll be able to get like a sriracha mayo or something like that to dip the crusts.

I love that.

yeah and then i thought maybe tarrum means like a drizzle all round like you know sometimes you'll do that as well you'll do that but at no point did i expect you to say you're getting the mayo and you're spreading it over the full surface of the pizza like an extra topping like and i do quote a crumpet yeah

i mean it really it does depend in what mode i'm in but yeah if i'm if i'm if i'm really going for it yeah that's perfectly possible is that is that hang that's hangover food right that's hangover yeah you know when it feels like tomorrow is never going to come anyway so it doesn't matter and then inevitably monday morning does come and you feel disgusting.

And not only are you still hungover, you've had a mayonnaise-covered crumpet pizza.

Exactly.

And you're wondering why you're sat in your flat alone.

Mutzable soup, lovely.

Lovely.

And I make it myself now.

Ah.

So I'd actually like rather obnoxiously and conceitedly to have my own mutsuble soup.

Oh, absolutely.

Well, it's chicken soup.

It's like a consummate, is it?

Very good.

Yes, it's chicken soup.

I mean, I can take you through the whole process.

Please, please, please.

Very dull.

Oh, no.

Our listeners will love it because because people can then go away and make it themselves all right okay so this is this is what I recommend right okay so what you need is so I've got a giant pot because I was making this every week and it's a kerfuffle right and it's a probably 36 hours before from when you start making it to when you can eat really start eating it and I was doing it every week and then getting four portions out of it and so um am i allowed to cough yeah yeah okay one sec

and then Imagine if we said no.

Wow.

And I thought my voice was a bit like this as I've been holding in all the phlegm.

You know, the power that we had on this pot.

It's intense and

very sexual.

I bought a big 32-litre pot from Amazon.

I really recommend Amazon, by the way.

Oh, yeah.

It's very good.

It's a website.

And yes, www.

And is the dot, do you write out dot?

You write out the word dot.

The word dot.

Yes, yeah.

Short for dot cotton.

I used to do that terrible.

I used to say the EastEnders website is www.eastenders.cotton.

Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah, it's funny.

It'll never not be funny.

Oh, never, sorry.

I mean, it'll never be funny.

So I buy this big pot from Amazon and then I go to Panzer's Delicatessen in St.

John's Wood because there you can buy not just chicken, you can buy kosher chicken, right?

But also boiler chicken.

So what you're actually buying is quite an old chicken, which is quite lean, doesn't have a lot of meat on it, because it's really all about the bones and

the giblets and all that kind of stuff.

So what I do is I've got this big pot and then what some people do is they put the water in and they sort of boil, they bring the water to a boil with the chicken in it, in the pot, and then they skim the surface because all the kind of foam, that coagulant you know if you ever boil chicken in water it just it foams up like a Matey bubble bath but a kind of rancid Matey bubble bath righty yeah yeah and some people skim that foam off but what I don't do that what I do is I decant the chicken into another pot because I don't want any of that yeah so the first 20 to 30 minutes of the boil actually

You just see all the grease on top and everything and the foam and everything.

I'm just like, don't want to get rid of that.

And that, I think, is when Vietnamese people make pho.

I always say pho, but it's pho.

That means pho, yeah.

Pho.

Or Japanese people make ramen.

I don't think they skim off the top.

They decant into another

pot, right?

Which is why the broth is kind of clear and lighter that way.

So what's going on is in the main pot, while the chicken is having its first 20 to 30 minutes being brought to the boil to get rid of the foam and the first bit of fat, in the small pot, In the big pot goes, everything peeled, carrots, celery, onion, spring onion, leek,

sometimes swede, parsnip, those things, right?

But I bought these things, again, off amazon.com called soup socks, which are small nets.

right that you wear while you're cooking that you wear

they're small nets and you put all your vegetables into a net and then you tie up the top.

So it's like a sort of stocking with all the veg in it.

Right.

And what that means is that the veg doesn't sort of soften so much and sort of distributes around the soup.

It keeps it all together and also means at the very end of the soup you can take out just one big sort of sock of veg.

Yeah.

Rather than you're trying to sort of slowly scoop out bit by bit by bit.

What are you doing with the sock of veg after you take it out?

Right, so we're not there yet.

Slap some of it, that's it.

So I do, um,

uh, well, I'll tell you.

Once the chicken has coagulated, that's added to the main soup.

So we've got a giant pot with a whole chicken in, sometimes two chickens, right?

And loads and loads and loads and loads and loads of vegetables in a sock.

Yes.

Then I add some salt and I add some pepper, add a tiny bit of brown sugar, and I add some Maggie seasoning.

Oh.

You know, Maggie's seasoning?

Yeah.

It's sort of a bit like soy sauce.

If you don't have any Maggie's seasoning, put a bit of soy sauce in.

And then I do add a bit of a cheat, some OSM chicken powder, which is like a sort of powdered stock.

And I add a bit of that for flavor.

And then I kind of let it all simmer.

I bring it to the boil and I let it simmer for several hours.

Oh, nice.

Several hours.

And then at the end of that, I take it off the stove and I let it cool down overnight.

And then the next day, and it's quite good actually if you make this in winter or when it's a cold day, because the next day you come and hopefully the top of the soup has sort of hardened a little bit.

The fat has risen to the top and hardened.

And then you skim all that off, takes a little while, and that's your soup.

But what I don't do is use all those kind of mushy veg.

What I'll do is I'll boil new vegetables, put it in the soup when I'm having the soup.

And that is the most boring five minutes of your life.

No, it's really not though, because I was there with you while you were making making it.

This is the bread and butter of this podcast.

Yeah, and I freeze it.

So then I put it into portions and I'll freeze it, and I might get 25 portions of that.

And I'll do that in October, and that's my soup for the winter.

And it's good for about six months, and then after that, it's not as good.

You can still eat it, but it's just not as good.

And then I'll make mutzer balls, which are the great, lovely sort of carb of the soup.

And I'll also add noodles and then I will add a carrot when I'm eating it and some chicken breast I'll add as well.

This is great.

It's good.

It's good.

It's about one particular party, which is a house party.

I talk about food in this part, in this show, in one section of it,

because I think there's a massive difference between, I don't want to sound like I'm being discriminative against white people.

It's just from my own experience, okay?

Just from my own experience.

I think there's

a difference of when white people have house parties in the food that they put in that party compared to um black people because i have been to several um house parties quotes uh where i've been told you don't need to eat

and i've turned up and there's been cold sausage rolls uh pineapples on sticks

keep talking yeah

yeah quiche

yeah like

what and there's been hubbus like four different types of hubbus Whoa.

And bread and like cheese, just different types of cheese.

But I'm like, okay, this is not food.

And I've had to order like a delivery to get to the party.

Have you genuinely gone to a house party and ordered a delivery for yourself before?

Yeah.

Don't look at me like that.

Don't look at me like I'm mad, Sakita.

You looked at me like I was mad.

I'm impressed.

I think it's an amazing move.

I've ordered a dominoes

to a birthday party that I didn't know anyone at the party.

And was the dominoes, this is a key question, just for you or for the party?

Yeah.

I think you already know the answer.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah.

And well done, well done.

Did you keep it just for you?

Or did someone else get in on it?

The person I was dating at the time had some.

One slice.

Before you realised.

Yeah, because I was like, wait, sure, your fault.

You told me not to eat.

So this is your fault.

i've ordered a kfc to a house party before um if there's no adequate food for me

then so what is good house party food for me you've got to have at least minimum three different types of chicken yeah

when you say types what are you talking about What do you mean?

The cut of the chicken, the flavor of the chicken, where the restaurant is coming from, what different types of chicken?

Oh, God.

Okay, we're going to go.

So I feel like this is now going to go into like chicken

will just be about chicken which is fair enough

Why don't they say different types of chicken?

Like obviously there's fried chicken, jerk chicken, barbecue chicken,

roast chicken, wings, which is separate by the way.

So we're not gonna get started on wings.

You say you're like, we can't go down that round.

No, we can't do it.

You gotta cater for the vegans nowadays.

So you're gonna have the wing or like the chakan.

With the K in it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The chair.

Yeah.

With the K in it.

The fate chicken.

The cha'can.

You've got to have that.

And then you've got like stewed chicken, curry chicken.

There's different types of chicken.

Yeah.

But you have to have a minimum of three

at a house party.

What's your top three that you want to see when you're walking to a house party?

If they've only got three, what three types of chicken are you after?

And we know cold chicken drumsticks as a given with no seasoning.

Yeah.

Do you want me to walk out of the podcast?

Do you actually want me to walk out of this podcast?

I was just giving you a freebie.

James, baked chicken breast.

Oh, boy.

With a bit of ketchup to dip it in?

Oh, babe.

Now you're just egging me on.

No, no, no, no, no.

Okay.

So if you're at a house party.

I will say you can have chicken skewers.

I will allow that.

Yeah, you can have chicken skewers, fried chicken, and chicken wings.

Minimum.

Yeah.

Minimum.

And then obviously you've got to have the corslaw, potato salad, rice and peas, plain rice, macaroni pie, salad, curry goat,

fish, dung.

And all this.

It's all, I mean, needless to say, but it's all like store-bought stuff.

Just like in the tubs.

Maybe the potato salad and the corslaw if you haven't got time to make it but no okay no no no no no no so the thing is with all that at a house party you want to be moving around you want to be mingling which is why a little mini quiche

is so convenient Sakisa just so you can take a little mini quiche pop it in your mouth chat chat chat chat chat yeah but you can chat with a plate in your hand if you're dancing with a mini quiche it wobbles in a really satisfying way and enhances the dance okay right you can dance with two carrot batons with hummus on the end.

All right, so you eat at the beginning of the...

Alright, so you tell people the house party is going to start at 8, which means it starts at 9.

So

Ed's parties are not fun.

We start at 9.

How's it going to be over by 10.30?

Boy, do you not need to throw it off menu house party, please?

Please let it happen.

And please, can I be invited?

There'll be no judgment.

Just me just writing some notes.

Yeah, so you've got to like make sure you get enough food ready for the start of the party.

And then if you want to, you can have leftovers for people to nibble at later on.

But you people will normally eat at the beginning of a house party.

Just have a on a plate, mingle, have a chat.

And then the music is not like the banging dancing music at the beginning.

It's just like the casual,

good vibes.

It's going to be a good night house party kind of music.

And then once everyone's finished, then you throw in the bangers.

Yeah.

And then everyone dances off the food that they just ate.

Exercise, people.

I already know what he's going to say.

And by bangers.

Do you mean mini cocktail sausages?

Yeah.

Nealey said it.

Saw you open your mouth.

Okay, he's got it.

He's going to say cold cocktail sausage on a stick.

Your dream main course.

Now, we have a feeling this is going to be a home-cooked thing, though.

This is mum.

My mum was a great cook.

She cooked the same thing every day for 30 years.

She had different days of the week.

So

Saturday was Saturday soup, which is what I'm going to choose.

Sunday was a Jamaican roast, which is chicken and rice and peas and hard food, which is yam and chocho and sweet potato and stuff, dumplings.

Monday, as we're starting to move out to the weekend and run out of money, it might be meat and potatoes and stuff.

Tuesday, chicken.

wednesday no money pilchards and white rice thursday really no money sardines

sardines and potato friday fish and chips or a fish thing saturday saturday soup she did the same thing every day and we really look forward to saturday because we'd only just have pilchards so we're still we got ptsd from pilchers and pilchards and white rice we don't want to eat tinned fish and rice anymore please can we have something nice so we get to saturday oh thank god and she would get up in the morning and she'd put the mutton on the mutton has to simmer for quite a long time because quite tough meat so she'd simmer the mutton for a couple of hours until it was falling off the bone mutton thyme garlic onions simmer leave it then she'd when it was cooked then all the vegetables go in this is the yam yam is quite a fibrous carb carby white vegetable cut that up into blocks uh no kind of it's peasant food so you don't have to kind of be nice about it carrots the dumplings can go in now, and whatever other, you know, Scotch bonnet pepper maybe can go in.

That goes in, half an hour, last 20 minutes, the potatoes go in.

So you've got this quite big, I mean, we're talking literally a vat of food here with liquid in it.

And so we'd all get our own tureen.

That's what I remember.

We'd all get our enormous tureen of food and it would be the liquid and then potatoes, dumplings, yam, mutton, sometimes on the bone, sometimes if you're lucky, chunks of melty meat and carrots with the thyme and the garlic and everything.

Oh my God.

Every Saturday.

So you'd eat this every Saturday and it kind of took on legendary proportions.

And when I left home to be a professional comedian, I used to dream of it because I was eating Chinese and curry and stuff and going out to Greek restaurants and exploring other cuisines.

But I did think, oh, my mum's food is up there with this.

I can, you know, my mum's food is good.

She had this thing where she would put beef in foil and put loads of vegetable aromatics around it, garlic and stuff, and pinch it and put it on a very low heat for hours.

This food, this meat fell apart and it was delicious and tasty and succulent.

So she was a clever cook.

And I'd get home, I'd be in like Huddersfield and I'd drive home overnight and I'd get there Saturday morning and the soup would be on and I'd be going,

oh, thank God.

And I would just eat this soup and

it would have that kind of sense feeling of home and safety and stability.

And you'd eat it and you'd immediately fall asleep.

And you'd wake up when the wrestling was on.

So you knew the soup would have been good if Mick McManus was punching somebody in the face when you woke up.

So it was always that.

And it's delicious and tasty and garlicky.

And the meat was always succulent.

And you did suck the bone.

And I know that sounds horrible.

But there was stuff inside the bone, like the marrow that was always really tasty.

And I think it was legendary that dish and i've tried to cook it me and my brother as we we try and do mom's cake as a thing in our family and nobody quite gets it right no one burns it enough

uh we always think the burning is wrong but actually and we we do the soup and it this we can get close rust and eat a good saturday soup

recipe but the saturday soup is the thing i would choose

We've also had our fair share of disgusting sounding food.

Here's Stanley Tucci, Josh Thomas and Alex Horne.

And you know, we were in France and we ordered an Andouette.

Do you know what that is?

No.

Do you know what it is?

It's like a sausage but with horrid stuff in it, right?

Yes, exactly.

Yeah, and we didn't know that.

So we ordered this thing and we thought, we thought, oh, we love Andree sausage.

And Andree sausages in the South.

In America, you get Andree sausages like New Orleans.

It's really delicious.

It's great.

We thought, great.

So Andouriette must be a smaller version of an Andouille sausage.

Everyone would assume that, surely.

Everyone, yes.

Anyone who

has any kind of something.

And so they bring this thing, and basically it looks like a horse cock.

And I was like, what the fuck is that?

What is that?

And I look at Merrill and I go,

that was not what I expected.

She goes, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We had all ordered it.

We were like, okay, well, give it a try.

We were thinking we were so worldly, like, oh, Andouette, yeah, yeah.

Just cut it, put it in your mouth.

Literally, it didn't even get past

my uvula.

And I spat it out.

I was so, I was like,

which sounded, that sounds really French.

Yeah, it was, yeah, yeah.

And all I was saying was,

I was, it was so awful.

And I was like, oh, God, what is that?

That just tastes like, you know, shit.

And Meryl goes, Yes, well, it does have a bit of the barnyard.

And it was just awful.

And we just couldn't eat it.

And it felt so bad because the people were so nice in the restaurant, which is unusual for France.

And the guy came over and he said, Are you enjoying it, Brothel?

And we were like, Oh, yeah, it's fantastic.

Yeah.

You like the Andouette?

I was like, Yeah, no, it's really good.

It's just different from other Andouettes we've had.

So, you know, and he goes,

Would you like something else?

Yes,

Can we have four omelets?

Yeah.

I'm sure that happens multiple times a day.

I'm sure, yeah, I'm sure.

And some people, but it's prized by some people in that region.

And I think Lyon, too, or something.

You know, it's like, it's like this thing.

They're devoted to it.

But they're probably very proud of the fact that other people don't like it as well, right?

Yes.

Well, I wrote in the book, I said, it's the reasons the Germans left Normandy.

Because we were in Normandy.

I said, it wasn't the Allies' invasion.

It was the fucking Andouette.

Yeah.

Drove them away.

You know, episode of Bounder Brothers.

It's like, oh, that's my angle.

Get out of here.

This is awful.

Literally awful.

I was in Tokyo.

My friend had an exchange student that used to live with her there.

So they took us around.

And so it was very hard for this whole thing to not be about that weekend.

One of the things we tried, which is not what I'm putting on there, was Blowfish,

which as you can imagine was very thrilling for me because I like food to be weird and dangerous.

And blowfish can kill you.

And it's not something you can just go out and eat, right?

You need like the chefs have to train for like ages and ages.

I don't need to explain how blowfish is is is we've all seen The Simpsons.

Yeah, I've all seen The Simpsons, right?

Yeah.

And at this restaurant,'cause a lot of restaurants in Japan, you know, they just do one thing, which which is really fun.

So if you go to a place called

yeah, well someone do a caviar, they're not gonna be able to do it.

They probably wouldn't caviar.

Yeah, they yeah.

Yeah, no, they that's not, um, yeah, um,

and then

they uh

you know, they've got places that says mackerel, this place just says blowfish, and it's like multi-course, and they you get blowfish every way.

So, like, you walk in, and all the tanks are like filled with blowfish around you, and then you sit down, and then you have blowfish every way imaginable.

You get, um, like blowfish sashimi, like fried blowfish.

They make like a soup at the table where they put the blowfish in, and they do, like, I think pansiered blowfish.

I'm just making up different ways of cooking.

Then they brought out blowfish testicles what

and we ate uh blowfish testicles which are like this big white puffy balls you can like google them so do the testicles puff up with the fish i don't know whether the pep they they're like they're like big and kind of foamy and white and they've got like a kind of like the top has been kind of like i guess they put it under a grill or something so it's like a little like caramelized on top yeah and then uh testicle brulee sort of thing well i said caramelized i mean more like just browned a little bit and um there's no sugar in there you know So, how big in comparison to the blowfish itself?

So,

I think it must, when it cooks, blow up.

Yeah, so it's like it's like it's like it's like half a half a fist.

I can't remember.

I don't know how to, that's not a good size metric.

Yeah, bigger than you would think.

Okay, I think that's that's all I need to know.

Yeah, bigger than I would think.

Bigger than you think.

I'm thinking about it, and I've made it bigger.

Yeah, there was like four of us, and we all had a bit of it.

They gave you one.

I think the whole time we're just eating one blowfish.

Oh, wow.

And they cross it out and you eat the whole blowfish.

I don't know.

It's hard to really know.

So they must give you two testicles, right?

Yeah, I think there's two in the bowl.

Actually, maybe we had three.

So that doesn't make sense.

Oh, I don't know anything about a blowfish.

No.

Join me in the Google and I'll show you a picture.

It doesn't seem that interesting for people at home now, is it?

I think I can safely say it's the last thing I want to see.

So that was interesting.

Oh, and then at the end, just when you think they've done it all, they had a dried blowfish fin and they dip it in sake and lit on fire and then put it back in the sake and then you drink the sake that's crazy i mean that guy was making it up as well

guys we've got we've promised them 15 blowfish courses and we've really run out of stuff yeah dry the fin set it on fire put it in sake yeah did it change the flavor of the sake because you i didn't like it i didn't like sake back then yeah so i don't think i really i've only had it once or twice so it was you know now i love it but back then i didn't really like it so i don't know what it was meant to taste like or what it did i burnt myself out on it i did i'd never had it before Then I did like a tasting course thing at

like this convention.

You just go around and try all the different sake's.

And then halfway through, I was like, I think I like sake.

And then by the end, I was like, I'm never drinking this again.

Did you ever have like the brown sake?

Like the kind of more like...

No, I had that once and never again.

I had jellied sake.

Have you had that before?

You get it in little cans.

I mean, little cans, and it's like lemon-flavoured jellied sake.

I love that.

That's a real treat.

Yeah, sometimes they take that to like a picnic with my friends.

Shake a little treat, you know.

I does have a knife, but I love that one.

Yeah, you'd have that one.

You would love that one.

I love the jelly one.

You wouldn't otherwise have sake?

No, I've had it, but I wasn't mad into it.

But like, I feel like you get a lot of like a lot of the sake here is shit.

Uh-huh.

You know, and that's like a problem.

And then, like, I know no one knows how to navigate their menu.

So it's like, how do you know what you're ordering?

You know?

Yeah.

It's like.

You can't look for the jellied one.

Like sometimes people are like, I had sake.

It was shit.

It's like, but yeah, but if you have like two wines in your life, you're not going to like it.

Yeah.

For your main course, you want the testicles.

No.

I want

another thing we did that weekend.

Well, another really special meal that weekend was we went to his grandma's house and his grandma made us like full Japanese breakfast with like all the little like containers of like miso salmon and rice and like pickles and all this stuff.

That's amazing.

That's really good.

And like an old like Japanese town.

That's like a real dream.

But my favorite thing I ate there, because one of my favorite Japanese foods is eel on rice.

You know, with like the barbecue sauce.

Yeah.

And

they took us to this place and it's like a little, it's like in the country it's like a little like Japanese kind of style like kind of like building like you'd imagine and then because we're tourists they take us out the back and they had like hundreds of um eels in these tanks like slithering around and there was blood everywhere and then um you order the eel and they like kill it and cook it there in the little hut

and then um

that and that's what i'm having

bring out the napkin

yeah you don't want to get under a napkin for this no

Well, it's fine to eat it.

That was a lot of blood.

Yeah, it was like we ordered it and then they took us out.

Yeah, that was more blood than we probably wanted.

But it's the best eel you've ever had.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

And it's one of my favorite dishes.

So it's like the best version of

my best dish.

Yeah, yeah, that's fair.

Is it freshwater eel?

Is it unagi?

Is that right?

Is that the word?

I guess so.

Yeah.

It's really delicious.

I know with the barbecue on top and it's really delicious stuff.

It's really nice.

And I feel like it's never like.

I know some of these things I feel like you're never getting that good quality because there's like so much sauce in it.

Why would they bother?

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like

you get

food quarts and stuff.

And it's like, it's delicious anyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know?

But

you need it in the blood hut.

You need it in the blood hut.

Yeah, yeah, that adds something.

It's like you really have to go to a special place to get them to kill the eel fresh.

Yeah, yeah.

You just don't see that much.

You don't see that much, you know?

Yeah, the fresher the better.

You wanna want to see it's the look in its eyes

as it realizes and then you get to eat it yeah yeah

okay found a heel from the blood hut it is

we're gonna have the liquid from a moule mariniere

stirred in with some bread sauce because they're the two nicest liquids in the world wow I've seen you drink beer though in the past.

Yeah, but that's because you can't often get what I want.

I always ask for it.

So do you have any milmarinier juice mixed with bread sauce mixed with bread sauce no because this is a fancy restaurant and that's what i'd always wanted to have in a cup maybe with some bailey's so this is our second christmas episode of this year well you've done that wrong we do two christmas episodes every year do you yeah who's in the other one melt you've done it right mel also chose to drink bread sauce at one point really yeah yeah not for her drink drink not for her drink drink for her christmas dinner

sauce is great don't understand it well my wife had it the first time at my house, our first Christmas together, when Sheila made it, and she couldn't believe it.

She said, this is going to be horrible, and she loves it.

Well, it sounds mad.

If you've never heard of bread sauce, bread sauce?

You'd think that's butter.

It's crazy.

Well, your wife must have thought, you know, being a Catholic, it was liquid body of Christ.

Bread sauce.

They do call it bread sometimes, don't they?

But it's definitely not bread.

Yeah.

That was what he broke first of all at the last supper.

He didn't have those wafers on hand.

No.

He was like, but he broke the bread and said, eat this in remembrance of me as my body.

I've got huge regrets for for ordering that in the restaurant.

Yeah?

But you're okay with the Mulmariniere and bread sauce combination.

Yeah, this is a good thing.

I don't think I have to know what the offense is.

I think that's the slop that you just invented.

Don't call it slop, please.

How are you?

Are you consuming it in like sort of a pewter tankard in a mug, like a cup of tea?

Because it's obviously a hot drink.

An engraved pewter tankard.

An engraved pewter tankard.

What's the engraved?

I didn't have it as hot though.

You want cold bread?

Well, that's congealed if it's cold.

Not if it's stirred through the Mule Mariniere juice.

But cold.

So you'd rather have it cold.

It's a drink.

You don't have hot hot drinks

do you good point yeah cold and a tankard and i'll have the engraving of the date that i'm eating this okay big letters yeah fully spelt out we're not letters we're not doing the numbers no numbers no the fifth of december and then we're right out 2022 yeah do you imagine it coming out of a tap like a pint no pre-mixed or do you want to no rain is making it jay

he's still on the shelf jay rain is making it for you.

Yeah, so he's got a Vat of Mooma in the air, ditching the mussels, putting them back in the sea,

and then confusing the muscle population.

And then, yeah, just big vat of that, bubbling away.

Then bread sauce goes in, glug of bailey's, put it in the freezer.

So we are having a glig of bailey.

Yes, Bailey's just going in there.

Rain is going in.

Is it still Christmas?

No.

Yeah.

Yes.

But it can be.

Yeah.

It's on the 5th of December.

It says so on the cup.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's a prelude to Christmas.

Yeah, and then it goes in the freezer for two weeks.

No, one week, one day.

How long does it take to get cold?

A day.

Well, then it's frozen.

Then you're having a frozen.

Room temperature, I want.

Put it in a room.

Perfect.

Put it in a room, and then when it's the same temperature as the room, I'll drink it.

Yeah, lovely.

You won't give it a little stir.

I will give it a little stir.

I think it'd be quite curdled.

I think the Baileys might curdle, say, in that case.

Right, look at that.

I will not look at it.

Would you feel that going down?

Oh, I'll tell you what I do like as well.

It's a coke float.

It'll have the consistency of a coke float.

Yeah.

Right.

Sure, it was going going to go, the baits will float to the top.

Yeah.

Bitty.

Bit scubby.

Yeah.

But it'll feel good in your tummy.

And that's the point.

And that's why we're all here.

The thing is, I think you're in danger of people demanding that you actually do this for real and drink it because you will.

People

you would do this.

I would long to do this.

I really liked Mulmarin Year juice.

And I really like bread sauce and I really like Baileys.

Yeah.

And I never understand the idea that if you like things and mix them together, you suddenly don't like them.

Like, when is that ever true?

when

or like oh

this this now for example as a child i liked milk and orange juice i mixed them together once it tasted so disgusting that i hid under the table orange milkshake you don't get orange milkshake do you no you hid under the table yeah yeah for how long uh not that long but like enough that it's me on my own in the kitchen but like i hated it so much that i just hid under the table

i went under the table

i don't think i'm hiding under the table after drinking this no i think i think you might be climbing on the table i think we're gonna have to sort out some situation where you drink it and we film it to be honest and And I get on the table.

And you get it.

Yeah.

Get on the table.

I don't mind drinking that.

I want to drink that.

Yeah, it sounds like you do.

Absolutely disgusting.

Oh, Alex Horne is a gross man and should never be allowed on a podcast ever again.

But speaking of disgusting, James, let's keep going with it because pee-poo and private parts are never far from our guests' minds at the Dream Restaurant.

Don't blame us.

It's the guest's choice.

Here's Adam Buxton, Amy Gledhill, Professor Brian Cox, Dane Baptiste, Felicity Ward, Chloe Petts, Stanley Tucci, Alex Horn, Rina Soriyama, Esther Menito, and Flo and Joan.

That is a lot of toilet humour.

Well, it's even more toilet humour because we're going to have some Maisie Adam and Alison Spetle in this bit.

We had to turn the page, there was so much toilet humor.

It's the way you do it.

Like, you know, if you write a good food song or do a good fart joke, mate, life doesn't get better.

Oh, then allow me to ask you this, Adam.

At the end of this meal, are you going to do a big stinky fart and shit in your pants?

I'm not going to shit in my pants.

That's never.

So far, that hasn't been a problem.

I'm looking forward very much to that day.

Have I ever shat in my pants?

I'm just trying to think.

I I want to be honest.

I don't want to be because of food.

Let's keep it, you know, let's keep it on the theme.

Have you ever shatten your pants because of food, Adam?

Yeah, you're doing a big, glorious fart, and you're really enjoying the farts.

There's like a triumphant moment at the end of the meal, and then you shit your pants.

You see how happy it's made me?

And me, to be fair, it's right up both of our straights.

Shifting in my pants.

Shifting in my pants.

No,

I never have.

I only ever shat in my PJs because I was on antibiotics for an earache.

And I was watching The Man Who Fell to Earth with my mum.

I was 11 years old.

It was already embarrassing because David Bowie was getting his knob out.

I thought it was going to be like Star Wars with David Bowie, i.e.

the perfect film.

Turned out to be very pretentious and arty and difficult to understand.

plus long extremely embarrassing sex scene towards the beginning of the film that I had to watch in total silence with my mum.

And then I felt my stomach rumbling and thought it was a fart and went to enable the fart and then discovered that it was not a fart.

No.

It was

some bad stinking lava

from my insides.

As if watching a sex scene with your mum in the room is not embarrassing enough.

You then shut your pajamas.

Like a nightmare.

It wasn't good.

Imagine all the times I've been watching films, and my parents have been sexy and sending them up in embarrassed.

I can only imagine during that point shitting on

thinking, oh, this is so awkward.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

It's such a strange scene as well.

It's like it's Rip Torn.

You know who Rip Torn is, right?

Marty from the Larry Sanders show.

And he is playing a kind of aging college professor.

And he's having an affair with one of his students, so it's already fairly unsavory.

And they start bonking and taking photographs of each other, and it gets very animalistic, and they're sort of shouting and grunting and squealing.

And the whole scene is intercut with Bowie in

maybe a Japanese restaurant having a bowl of soup and watching some kabuki dancers

shouting and screaming at each other as well.

It's very odd.

So you'd like correct?

And then there's the

boiler.

And then next to the blender this time was this pack and chili heat with Doritos.

And it was like folded down.

So someone had, you know, that's quite mindful.

Yeah.

Whoever did that.

This could be a new true crime podcast, couldn't it?

Yeah.

I think it's a broadcast then.

Broadcast.

I mean, in my head, I'm just thinking, is your girlfriend having an affair with someone who's very mindful and eats chili heat with Doritos?

Yeah.

Good point.

That list, if you're listening to this, you dip-loving motherfucker.

I'm gonna feed those Doritos to you up your ass.

It's Jesus again.

Again, you'll be believing in Jesus when I'm done.

I mean, you motherfuck.

I hate to go down this road, but shape and flavoring.

I think the chili heat wave Dorito would be the worst crisps to have pushed up your ass.

Yep.

Oh, gosh.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

Corners and spice.

Let's see.

What would I not like up there more?

Crisp-wise.

We can all think this.

Yeah.

I wouldn't like a chipstick.

That's perfect.

Oh, the salt and vinegar too much.

Shape-wise, it's perfect.

Shape-wise, it's perfect to go up your ass.

But the salt and the vinegar and the, you know, it's quite a rough texture.

I think almost it would...

How easy it goes up your ass would be a problem.

I think consistency-wise, it would disintegrate quickly enough for it to not be an issue.

Same with the skip.

A skip's dissolved, depending on how moist your house is, a skip is dissolving immediately on contact with any anus.

Yeah, that's not even making it in.

That's melting.

Not on your wet anus.

Not on my

absolute swamp of an anus.

It does look a bit like...

Yeah, Benito's just pointed out.

It does look a bit like an anus.

A skip.

So it would just think it's meeting one of its...

It would fall in love.

It would fall in love when it sees the button.

Heard them melt.

Yeah, who would?

Oh, I want to see that as like an animated short.

Yeah.

Before it picks up.

It's almost some inanimate object singing about being in love, isn't it?

Yeah.

Falling in love with an anus.

A little song about it.

And his heart melting.

I think Heat Wave Doritos is the worst.

Amy, do you have a

crisp that you'd like to shout out?

Worst up the ass.

Worst and best.

Worsties and besties.

The only thing similar to a sort of chilly heat wave thing, but maybe a worse shape, maybe a better shape, is the flaming hot monster munch, you know, because it's the monster claw because they're quite thick.

Yeah, it would literally grab on, wouldn't it?

It would, yeah.

It would grab right on.

So I think that would be quite bad.

Good.

Do you know what?

One of the little cheese balls.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what?

You know what, if I had to,

if you're making me, just pop one of them up there.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

It's not going to disintegrate like escape.

I don't know why you'd not want it to disintegrate, but yeah, just a little cheese ball.

It'd be easier to load someone up with them.

Yeah.

Oh, you could load them up with them.

Load them up like a Pez dispenser.

Yeah, yeah.

You can pop them in one after the other.

Have we covered that?

We ask that every week.

Yep.

Yeah.

Nice and spicy knickknacks would be a nightmare because

they're random, aren't they?

You never know which way they're gonna go.

Sure.

Oh, that's true.

I wouldn't know what to expect every time.

But they wouldn't dissolve like a chipstick.

No, I think

they're solid.

They'd maintain their structural integrity.

It's sort of knobbly.

Maybe that's nice, actually.

Yeah, actually, maybe I'm thinking about the best of the best.

I once ate a whole pack of prawn cocktail Pringles and it took all the skin off the inside of my lips.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, I know.

And do you know what?

I did it.

I've done it two or three times,

which is terrible.

But thinking of that near the sensitive parts of your bone,

that's going to be a nightmare.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think, you know, fool me once in that scenario.

You've taken the skid off your lips three times.

Yeah.

Don't be putting it anywhere else.

So chips and dips.

Chips and dips.

Chips and dips, yes, please.

But specifically sour cream dip.

Yeah, something cooling.

I think, you know, when you're at a buffet and there's like big bowls of of crisps and you and I I just get so hungry I think well I'll have one and then it's just it's like oh this is brilliant and you don't want to stop and then if the main meals coming I think you're like prepped ready mentally yeah to devour

to feast yeah

you know it is a good dip as well I'm thinking of the you know when you buy the multi pack of this oh yeah there's some weird ones in there yeah like that's there's like thousand island one in there they're never selling that individually so why is it in the multi-pack well it's always the fourth one that's the weird one right you got guacamole salsa sour cream and then the fourth one like a pink one that's anyone's game yeah the pink one's a thousand island right yes that's all i'm thinking of yeah or it's another sour cream one but it's got cheese in it this time oh yeah

it's got cheese in it yeah like bits of grated cheese so yeah it's always the fourth one they need to do it they just just should just do a triple one yeah either do a triple one or get us a put hummus in the fourth one or something and then everyone likes hummus you said hummus earlier yeah it's a surely that in the dip charts yeah is knocking around sometimes number one i'd say for people yeah yeah why is that not the fourth one although there's not many crisps i'd say that can handle dipping in hummus especially if you're scooping sure

even a dorito i think if you're pushing it down into hummus and trying to scoop it out especially if the hummus has been in the fridge you're snapping off you've just got a tip of dorito left that's that's a nightmare like how do you feel explain like to the listener your emotional journey when you dip a chip in and it snaps and now you're just left with the corner of a Dorito and the rest of it's in the in the dip.

Well, you feel like an idiot, don't you?

You feel like an absolute idiot.

You feel like the person that's run for the bus and missed it and everyone's looked out of the window being like, you stupid, pathetic woman.

But there is a there is a way around it.

And you get two Doritos of a similar shape, similar size.

You put them next to each other, you scoop them together, you double Dorito in.

Oh, I'd not even thought of that.

Yeah, doubling up.

Have you?

I've doubled up.

You've done it.

I've been known to double up.

Yeah, yeah.

And it just makes everything a bit more solid.

And then you can really go to town with the dips.

Yeah.

And then I guess sometimes, if you're dipping, you get it on the top where you wanted it.

Yeah.

And also some might go in between the crisps as well.

Little sandwich.

Okay.

Well, that's our tip of the week.

What would you like for your starter, your dream starter?

Well, I thought about this and I thought, I mean, I could just say my favorite food, couldn't I?

Or I could say, following the Martian, I want potatoes that I grew in my own shit on the surface of Mars.

Because I thought that might be interesting.

Then I would have to go to Mars, which I wouldn't like to do unless you can arrange it because you're a genie.

So we could go instantly to Mars.

Plant the potatoes.

Well, actually,

we don't even need to use our own shit then, do we?

I suppose we could actually take...

personalized it.

He did, yeah, so maybe we have to do that.

Yeah,

yeah, so yeah, so I think that would be an interesting starter.

And then make them into chips and have chips and take some mayonnaise or curry sauce because I'm from Eldham, so it'd probably be curry sauce, actually.

The curry sauce, chips and curry sauce.

But the chips have to be made from potatoes grown on mars.

What's your own?

That's the question: what's the curry sauce, mate?

I don't know.

If I was eating, you know, if you offered me a bowl of your shit chips and then the curry sauce, I'd be like, I'd hold the sauce.

I think.

Even though I know it's curry sauce,

I need to get it out of my mind.

Yeah, yeah, I can't.

I'm already trying not to think of the fact you grew the chips in your own shit.

The curry sauce isn't healthy.

Well, mayonnaise is real problem.

Also, if you're existing on Mars on a diet of the very thing you're feeding me, if you're like, if he's eating curry sauce all the time, his shits must be awful.

And then he's growing the potatoes in them.

There's actually no condiment that wouldn't make me feel ill in that situation.

Sure.

No, I think I like the eating the curry.

It's kind of a recycling thing.

There's a constant.

Would it impart flavor into the potato itself?

Would the flesh of the potato then have a curry tang?

Yeah, it would have a curry tang.

It must do, mustn't it?

Because you do things like, you know, lavender honey or something.

bees go to like so so whatever i'm not sure these are equatable

because they kind of go and eat the stuff and the lavender flavor goes into the honey so i i assume whatever you grow it in, if there are any farmers listening,

I assume whenever you grow it in, somehow the flavour is transparent.

It feels a bit

human centipede-y, in a way.

Eating the shit and shit.

Two different opinions.

It's a bit like bees with lavender honey, and it's a bit like the human centipede.

Both interested in insects.

Yeah.

No, I'm not going to get topped.

Yeah, yeah, go on.

I'm not very good at biology, but...

One of them's not an insect.

Or both.

Probably both of them are not insects.

Bees?

Centipedes.

Oh, no.

I'm going to get in real trouble.

I always get shamed.

It's a lagoon.

The potatoes you're eating, is it that I'm taking you to Mars, you're growing them using your own shit?

Or is it that we go to Mars,

the Martian Mars, and Matt Damon's made them for us and his shit?

Because I would want to eat, with all due respect, Brian, I would want to eat those.

I would want to try Matt Damon's potatoes that he's growing in his life.

Yes.

I think with all due respect covers what you just said there.

Why?

Why don't you want to eat Brian's shit potatoes?

Because he wants a Hollywood Hollywood shit.

Yeah.

I like imagining Matt Damon up there in his space suit and he's made him in his own shit.

This is getting really weird now.

So you want to imagine.

Matt Damon's an actor.

So I can imagine him in any role and I can believe him as an astronaut.

And

I think...

I just see Brian Cox.

I'm like, that's just Brian Cox.

You could dump on a potato.

No, you wouldn't be because you've got to grow them.

So you wouldn't be.

You don't do a dump on the potato.

That defeats the object of the fertilizer, doesn't it?

You don't put the fertilizer on something after it's grown.

Why not?

Because you're a part of it.

See, this is why you're getting confused.

It's a lack of basic agricultural knowledge now, isn't it?

Because why would you fertilise something that's already grown?

Because.

flavour

well yeah and this is why it's causing it because it's not for the flavor wash it after yeah yeah I hope you would wash it fertilizer's not added for flavour no no that's the thing Brian by the way what you just did there happens every episode where you looked at me and with your eyes you said help me what's he doing

help me out here mate I can't understand what this guy's on the ward even side just looking at Ed like well I mean I need your help here communicating with this guy it's funny because the whole strange conversation of the last 10 10 minutes now makes sense.

Yes.

Because he's not been thinking of the shit as fertiliser.

He's thinking it as a garnish.

That's why

it's all gone strange.

I think it's an interesting idea for a starter.

Chips are good.

Chips.

I'm trying to think of a word for it.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah.

I like it.

And it's all your own shit, just to be clear.

Not Matt Damon's.

Or a mixture.

And see if people can tell the difference.

I don't think it matters.

He did a mixture though, didn't he?

Do you remember in the film?

Oh, does he?

Because he used all the other

dead.

Yeah.

Well, no, they weren't dead.

Weren't they?

Have you seen it?

Years ago when it came out.

They didn't die.

They left him on the surface.

Wankers.

Great starter.

Great starter.

The chips.

You know, people have like, there's syringes where you can inject cheese and stuff into things.

And people do that.

I used to to look at iceland and they used to have an inside out cheeseburger which was basically a burger with a cheese filling i didn't know you used to work at iceland yeah so i look at iceland and uh i don't know i i have a theory that like at some point at culinary school heston blumenthal had a best friend and his friend may have come from more modest background than heston and they would come up with all these crazy ideas and heston was like i'm gonna go and work and you know create things here's in cryogenic storage and fridges and like and they would the guy was like what the happened to you heston you've forgotten who you are he's like come on buddy and he's like no we say we're gonna do this to give back to the people Remember the five-bird medley, the turkey stuff with a goose, stuff with a chicken, stuff with a hamster.

You were supposed to be part of that too, Heston.

What happened to the inside-out cheeseburger you said we were going to do?

And they went their separate ways.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Iceland is the sort of the cheaper equivalent of Heston Salman stuff.

Chicken tikka lasagna, right?

Yeah, it's like, you know, like the fat duck.

It's like the fat pigeon.

That's what Iceland is.

No, there's a lot of snobbery.

People just look at Heston and going, oh, it's a genius.

I can't wait to see what he's done.

And people turning their nose up at the inside-out cheeseburger as if it's stupid.

As if it's stupid.

If you went to the fat duck and they served that, Eve would be like, oh, how did he come up with this idea?

So good.

Yeah, it's like you can get snail porridge at the fat duck, and that's amazing.

But if you get a caterpillar in your rice pudding, oh, it's for church.

It's disgusting.

Things got changed, guys.

We've all got bellies.

We all take shits.

We're all people at the end of the day.

That was the original name for this podcast.

We all all take shits.

We've all got bellies and we all take shits.

We all got bellies, we all take shits.

We all take bellies.

We all got bellies.

We all take shits.

Exactly.

That could be the name of a nice tour, though.

Yeah.

We all got bellies.

We've all got shits.

And then you could have like, you know, and you open up every tour day where you're like, have a look at this shit.

You want to know what created this?

Welcome, Chef, Levi Roots.

And then Levi comes in.

Like, look at that stool.

That's that's healthy and regular.

Well, you know, I use a lot of natural ingredients in my stuff.

Allow me to demonstrate.

And we get the whole audience a stand-up.

That way we we all get our bellies out at the beginning.

Yeah.

Let me get straight though.

The format for the show, your tour show, is that you go on, you show the audience a picture of some shit that you've done, and then you get them to guess what celebrity chef cooked you the meal that made you do the shit.

And then you bring the celebrity chef out and they talk the audience through the picture with the shit and talk about how their cooking influenced that shit.

Now, James, I know how it sounds, but I would submit to you that maybe two or three years ago, if I told you there was a game show where people dress up in masks and you can't see their face and they sing songs on TV, and in the game is to guess who they are, and they don't win any record contract at the end of that, and just a competition to see who's behind the mask.

You'd say, what?

But that's the last singer.

Yeah, absolutely.

I don't think they're quite the same.

Not exactly the same, because

one comes at your mouth.

One comes at your mouth, and one comes at your bum.

But I'm just saying, you know, at the end of my tour, it was like, turns out this big shit was done by a big fact dude.

You'd be like, yeah, that sounds right.

So that's the end.

The end of the tour, the whole tour built up to you revealing that, and I quote, this big shit was taken by a big fact dude.

Yeah.

Well, hold on.

No, hold on.

Now I'm getting confused.

I thought the slide

I thought the slide that you're showing them is a picture of a shit that you have done.

And a celebrity chef cooked you a meal.

You ate the meal.

You did this shit.

Oh, no, not what I've done.

I've got a tour to run, James.

I'm not an animal.

It's like a celebrity takes a shit, and everyone's like, Guess whose shit this is?

So then that's the first hook, right?

Then it's like, it's this person.

Turns out it's Davina McCall, let's say.

Yeah, so everyone's like, oh, I would have never guessed.

Davina, you seem so regular and healthy.

What's your secret?

I eat well, exercise well.

Let's find out who made this delicious meal that resulted in this delicious stool.

Yeah.

It's Levi Roots.

Now, Levi's on the stage, he's like,

and then he's like, then you add a Scotch bonnet, and then Davina's going,

that's what got me.

That's it.

Right?

Yeah.

And at the very least, people are there at least half an hour being like, what the fuck is going on?

And then someone goes, I need to take a shit.

And then someone goes, don't forget your camera.

It's the level of audience engagement for everybody takes a shit or should this be, you know, unmeasured.

I think that's, I love the guessing element.

I love that we're guessing whose shit it is.

So we've got the audience engaged then.

Then the...

the person who did the shit comes out and they've got to guess who made them do the shit so they've they're guessing what chef cooked them the meal that that made the shit happen yeah the only my only problem with it is as an audience member is the picture of that shit is up for the whole show no i'll i'll i'll go back to the first slide which is like the okay yeah which is the talk

of like butts yeah

all the buttons

and bellies it's like alternating the chessboards like the bellies

everybody's got a belly and everybody takes a shit yeah now see butts and bellies let's do it that way that's an easier sell right that's nicer yeah you call it butts and bellies yeah rather than rather than calling it everyone's shits, if I say butts and bellies, that can get through.

I mean, I feel like there should be some sort of belly button pun there with butts, butt button, belly butts.

Belly butts on.

I mean, Anthony Jesnik would absolutely destroy me for this, but like, I'm just trying to think of like a belly butt on.

I know, we'll sell it to BBC, and then when it's on the iPlayer, they'll be like, to find out more shits, press the belly button.

And so, yeah, no, right.

And it is like a picture of someone's belly, and their belly button is a butt.

There you go.

Or there's their butt and their anus is a belly button.

Yeah, all right.

I mean,

I've really enjoyed this conversation

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Raw onion doesn't sit well with me.

As we've spoken about so many times, I have irritable bowel syndrome.

Red onion does not sit well with me, any raw onion.

But if I take it out, the flavor that it infuses the rest of the salad with still stands up.

Anything that you've mentioned in your menu so far that's a bit of a red light for the old IBS?

Chili and the crab, all right?

Yeah, chili's actually fine.

It's more creamy stuff.

The yogurt is fine.

Yogurt's fine.

But if it, like, I can smell a boss gayola and I shit myself.

Like a creamy boss gayola.

You can see that tweeted back at you, by the way.

Like

a bacon mushroom creamy pasta.

Would you eat it though?

Is there anything that exists that's worth just blowing the bowl off the wall for?

Yeah, often it's the volume of food I eat.

I have a limit in my stomach where it goes, hey, look, you're an adult.

You can make the decision.

But if you eat more than this,

we're not going to be talking to your friends for the rest of the night.

You're going to be riding the porcelain bus.

My wife Charlie has IBS.

Yeah?

Yep.

What's her beef?

She can have a teaspoon of hummus and then after that, chickpeas

will kick the shit out of her.

Oh, literally.

I can eat a bowl of hummus by itself.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Which my son calls Thomas.

Very cute.

Yeah, that's great.

More Thomas, please.

You can have as much Thomas as you like, son.

Never stop.

Never, ever correct him.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's Thomas for the rest of his life.

Even though it will lead to a very embarrassing incident in later life.

Do you know what that feels like?

Not my problem.

It's Lully boof, Thomas.

It's absolutely lolly boofy.

If I have some rice that's undercooked, see you later.

Really?

I've got a big, crampy tummy on that one.

Yeah.

But if I eat like heaps and heaps of ice cream,

but this is probably not a good thing to say on this podcast.

I think ice cream is fine.

I think it's fine.

Nice having you on.

Yeah, look, been lovely to meet you.

I think there's some good ice cream out there, but it's not something that I live for.

But I think that's just to, just, look, just as a temperature.

Let's bring the temperature up there.

To be a diploma.

I know what you mean.

I think you've had to tell yourself that and decided it because you know that you can't eat a lot of it.

So that's you've given yourself that opinion to mean that you're not missing out.

You would love to think that, wouldn't you?

I would really like you to say that.

I agree with you.

So the main course of the ghost menu is all of the barbecue food you could possibly imagine.

Yeah, definitely your head on board now.

Yeah, I mean, this was very close to my main on my dream menu, episode 100.

So talk us through it Chloe, please.

Big brisket.

All of my Instagram algorithm alternates between a man cutting a brisket and then Harry Styles doing a concert.

Imagine, what would you do if Harry Styles cut some brisket?

Come everywhere.

Don't cut that.

I was cutting it.

I can't.

Yeah.

Anyway, brisket,

ribs, pork and beef.

Yeah.

You got to double up on on the ribs.

Burnt ends.

Oh, yeah.

Turkey.

Again, it's the tomato.

I'm eating it quick just to think.

Yeah.

Got a bit of healthy whiteness.

The meat.

Yeah.

And is it like a big turkey leg breast?

No, it's like sliced breast that has been like really slow cooked and is like...

Juicy.

Yeah, extraordinarily.

How have they made a turkey?

You can see the smoke, the smoke running around the outside of it.

Oh my God.

I feel like I've got like a real like food empathy thing where like you can even describe food and I like I'm I feel so satisfied.

Yeah.

And I think that's why I watch you know Mike Chen, the YouTuber.

I love Mike Chen.

I know this guy.

So he's just like this guy that goes around just eating delicious food and reviewing it.

And he's so like positive.

And just what's the name of his YouTube channel again?

Strictly Dumpling.

Strictly Dumpling.

It's really good.

And I just love how enthusiastic he is about food.

He can eat that guy.

Yeah.

He does a lot of of buffets as well.

We talk about buffets a lot on tour as well.

Yeah.

I saw something happened there.

Yeah.

We mentioned buffets as a bit of.

Yeah, we both went somewhere.

Yeah.

Yeah, it feels a little like, I don't know, a little illicit when I'm like, well, you described turkey leg to me in intense detail because it feels like I'm getting off on it.

And like, I haven't asked for your consent to like get involved in that fantasy form.

Yeah.

I mean, you've already said the thing.

I've got a lot of well enough.

The thing about Harry Stell's cutting a brisket.

You said you'd come everywhere.

So

I think we knew what was going on.

A nice sort of mustard sauce.

I'd come just for my little piece of beefy.

That's very nice.

Thank you.

So is that so that's you've got turkey, ribs, beef and pork.

Big tray of meaty.

Big tray of meaty.

Brisket.

Any little barbecue sides?

Well, that would be my sides for the grace of the day.

Okay, right, okay.

We'll move on.

Where's the best barbecue place you've been before we move on?

So I'm not, uh, I haven't really eaten that much barbecue because I gained this obsession after I became vegetarian.

and i have like enough memories of that sort of meat to know how much i love it like anything essentially like slow cooked yeah beef particularly yeah yeah yeah yeah it's just my ideal thing although having said that are we allowed to talk about your meat amnesty yeah my constant meat amnesty no when we we were doing a gig and there was a barbecue restaurant around the corner and we don't normally eat heavily before gigs We went around there.

Chloe had a meat amnesty and she felt horribly sick for the rest of the day.

All of my stories ended me just feeling sick my best days are like and then i then i chucked off

um i was sick i do regret though because you had the beef rib yeah and i got the brisket yeah i think i should have got the rib yeah it was good it was nice i think beef brisket though is safe bet every barbecue place is going to be good beef rib some places that's the best thing on the menu some places if they don't do it well you you get it why don't i just play it safe i massively disagree fair enough certainly about the brisket i think it that is an art i think you're actually you're not going to find many places in the whole of the uk that does actually good oh yeah in the uk yeah

but yeah i guess if you're in like texas etc

pecan lodge shout out to pecan lodge is that is that the best place

i i went i was in dallas for three days i went there for two other days oh sick it was good i think i'd like to that's like my bucket list of like proper meat amnesty go to texas have yeah like proper barbecue

you'd be sick every day i'd be so sick and i'd love it yeah this is the best

yeah back we go sometimes on the instagram reel they'll like just put they'll just like put a brisket down and then just let it jiggle like a like a lady's bum and

it's just so hot

oh man i just love it like a lady's bum

like a lady's bum oh it's so good yeah that's what i'd have am i missing any meats i don't i guess sometimes they have a really nice sausage.

Yes, I'd love a...

You have had a sausage in the starter, though, I will say that.

Yeah, I'm double sausaging.

Okay, you double sausage away.

I'm going to have one of those like jalapeno and cheddar

sausages that like snap, like with an amazing snap.

Snap.

Yeah.

I'd definitely have one of them.

Yeah, and just let it jiggle like a man's dick.

Yeah.

Literally in my head of it.

I was writing it in my head when I'd said, I was like, I'm going to say I watch YouTube videos where they lay a sausage down and they slap it and it jiggles like a man's man's oh you're teaching it

that's what a lot of people say is they pick sparkling water because it's like a fancy version of water no no

no it's good it helps you digest and everything it has minerals in it you know i mean they used to drink i mean a lot still in italy you know in certain countries still a lot of that sparkling water is like sulfurous yeah water you know i remember like even in like a gym in a hotel in Italy years and years ago, they had like a big water cooler and I was like, like,

working out and you're like, oh, I'm so thirsty.

And it was like sulfur water.

I was like, oh, fuck, what is that?

You know, it's just...

Was it sparkling water in there?

Yeah, yeah, it was sparkling, sulfury water.

And I was like, who would do that?

You know, but it's really good.

The thing is, it's really good for you.

Yeah.

You know.

Everyone burping in the gym?

Was there a lot of burping?

Everyone was burping and farting.

Water smelled like farts.

Fart water.

Would you have for your dream meal, you don't want the fart water?

No, I don't want fart water no no you would like you take a bath in it that's good for you oh yeah yeah like so fart in the bathroom no one would know no one would know yeah not even you

yeah yeah

did i fart who knows

what's me and what's not

surrounded by eggy bubbles already i don't i don't know where i began

and the water ends yeah

if you had a task

If it was just shit fastest wins, who would win out of the you two?

I think maybe Ed.

I reckon I would.

When we get requested most.

Shit Fastest Wins.

My stomach went, let's go.

Yeah, yeah.

Five points.

You're very competitive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

My whole body is going to be.

Also, it's like, you know, shit is a big part of his life.

Oh.

Him and Nish shared a flat for years, and it was very much the theme of the flat.

Yeah.

Was that you doing a shit?

We still text each other now about it.

That's so interesting.

So Tim and I lived together.

I don't think we ever mentioned it.

And we probably pretended we didn't do it.

We've never hugged either.

We have hugged at shit.

Twice.

Yeah, twice, sorry.

Once when I was sad, once when I was happy.

But you're not going to talk about shitting if you're not even hugging.

No, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

I've never done one in the Taskmaster house either.

There's only one toilet and I'd not go to the other side.

I've definitely done one.

Yeah, me too.

Have you both?

Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely.

We've got a good spray

to deal with.

Oh, it's all about shitting, isn't it?

You always start with still or sparkling water.

I'm going to say still,

which I know is like boring, but okay, because I'm always like talking, right?

I just don't want to be gassy.

So like before shows and stuff, I can't have anything gassy because it'll come up in the first song.

Yeah.

Like I'll have to do a really like slick off-the-mic like hair flick, but it's a burp.

That's what people are doing.

That's what it is.

Every time I do a hair flick, it's a burp.

Yeah.

So that's not something I enjoy doing.

It's really stressful because you know that feeling like when it's rising and you're

like when it's a bubble.

Yeah, when it's a bubble and you're like, oh no, and you're singing, you have to keep singing.

Yeah.

But then you'll have like one break in a sentence and then you can just burp and then come back to the show and be a pop song.

I love that you've choreographed your burps though.

That's great.

Oh, yeah, but it's on the fly.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can't.

So that's why I've stopped drinking fizzy stuff before shows.

If I was a vocalist who use a lot of, you know, some vocalists now have a lot of effects on their voice and auto-tune live.

It's got all that sound.

If I had a burp going, I'd be very tempted just to burp in the bike just to see how it sounds.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, in the spirit of experimentation, I think next time you feel a burp coming on stage, you should just let it go.

Yes.

And also I'll find some sort of auto-tune plug-in and like the most extreme distortion.

Yeah.

And maybe some sort of metal like scream distortion.

I'm on board.

And then just in the middle of the most beautiful ballad.

Yeah.

I think it'd go down well.

There's got to be a death metal band somewhere where the vocals are just all burps.

I always think that about death metal singing.

Yeah.

Kind of, isn't it the same feeling, the same sensation as burping?

It's like a gravelly burp, I guess.

Yeah, you've got to bring it up from somewhere down deep.

Yeah.

There we go.

You've definitely played me some stuff before that just sounds like someone's burping all the way through.

I love it.

Yeah, yeah.

You love that kind of stuff.

Yeah.

Or someone's doing that, you know, that thing with the...

Well, like Mongolian throat singer.

Yeah, but there's ah for the whole song.

Yeah.

So basically, they're doing it.

But with a bit more like grit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A big old burp.

Yeah, it's a big long burp.

What's your favourite genre?

My favourite.

Favourite genre, definitely burp metal, burp death.

Burp core.

It would be burp core, wouldn't it?

It'd be burp core, belchcore, something like that.

Yeah.

I like red meat.

I like lamb and I like beef, but I wouldn't, yeah, I'm not into like hearts,

scrotums.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've never had a scrotum.

That's the one thing I've never seen on a menu.

You would, though.

I think if it was on the menu at a place I liked, I'd trust them with it and I'd say, give us a scrotum.

If Esther's dad tried to trick you and going, that's a potato and you ate it and that was a bollock, you'd go,

I love it.

So if you've gone round, because my dad's there, he can cook really good Lebanese food and he could cook you a testicle.

I'd love that.

There you go.

I'd absolutely love that.

But what about a scrotum?

Do you reckon he could do a scrotum?

Hang on.

Yeah.

What I'm

hanging.

Oh, someone doesn't know the difference.

You don't know the difference.

I birthed a man and I told him what's the difference.

Oh, this is great.

This couldn't have gone better.

What is the difference between a...

No, hang on.

Isn't it the testicles...

Oh, is the scrotum the whole thing?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Again, don't tell her.

Let's let you guess.

I feel like this is a tab more embarrassing than the Pellegrino.

I mean, I wouldn't normally ask a guest to do this, but

tell the audience your age

before we play.

Does this person know the difference between a testicle and a squat

i'm 39

married 17 years it's like the testicles are the tubes

that's no the tube is the van deference isn't it well that's

amazing that uh that you're throwing around

phrases like vas deference vas deference is the tube

is that the tube yeah i don't even know that the semen travels down Okay.

Yeah.

The scrotum.

This is really annoying me now.

I really want to hit you both because I'm so angry.

Where do you want to hit us?

Because you're just looking at me like, oh my god.

And I'm like, I don't know.

This is brilliant.

No, because you've got the penis.

So many people have scrotum.

Yeah, got the penis.

The long one.

Yeah, that's a long one you just drew on the table.

You've got the two balls, which are the testicles.

Yes.

So what's the scrotum?

What else is there?

This is the question.

What else is there indeed what else is there this is a this is i don't know

moment of the whole podcast we've ever done but the two can i give some clues now i uh well i do know what maybe i'll quiz you on the female

how many holes are there now the two

the two balls

how are they there how are they how do they stay there

in this in the sack yes but i said that is that not the scrotum that's it you didn't say it was the sack you said is the whole thing is the the whole thing.

You said it's the whole thing.

The whole thing is what the scrotum.

The scrotum is essentially the packaging.

The scrotum is the sack.

The sack, yes.

Oh.

Yeah.

But I thought the whole thing, it was like a cumulative term.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, the whole thing is.

No, no, no, no.

Do you know what?

I really don't know much about anatomy.

I realise that.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

This is when James starts to try and do a quiz.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but we won't do a quiz.

No, because you know when your kids get to an age and they're like

puberty's like not far off and they're like asking questions.

And I was like, I don't know.

I don't know if that's normal.

I don't even know what happens.

But what are we eavesdropping?

Where are they to begin with?

Sure.

No, what happens?

I mean,

when it's dropping, it's like it's probably quite a

generous term.

Well, no, I mean...

Dropping a great term.

It's not a customer.

Esther's question was: does it just go into the sack?

It's not, there's not a big empty sack.

Like a big old man, a big old man's sack.

Chicken laying an egg.

Bloop.

I'm imagining like a postal sack down there.

Listen for the bloop.

And they go, bloop.

Oh, it dropped.

Yeah, I need to read a book.

I'm getting.

Yeah,

they don't plop down into this.

Well, see, my parents never had this chat.

We just went through it and you weren't allowed to talk about it.

Yeah, I think it was just the best way.

Call me old-fashioned.

I think just

about it, right?

Like, everyone's always like, then talk about it.

And I'm like, oh, well, you know, I don't know.

You should talk about it with your kids, so you don't want to know.

I might just phone Ed up and put him on loudspeaker.

I'll be back in 15 minutes.

I love them still not allowed to come around to your house, even for that.

Don't want to make it number six.

Number six, Edge Gamble came out to conduct a search education class.

Bit of boo, bit of boo.

Left turned up.

Turned up with a chalkboard.

Yeah.

Me teaching your kids about testicles.

Your dad looking at it like it's a menu.

It's very confusing for your poor children.

Look, grandpa says loads of potatoes.

He probably would have done if we asked.

Oh, you're talking about the whole package.

We know about this.

Well, it is a package.

It's all together.

I think you two have been finicky.

Finicketty, finickety.

San Bellegrino.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, that's all that to say.

You want some, not mesae, but some...

Mesa.

Mesa.

I don't think I've had a cup of tea since 2013.

Wow.

That's what happened in 2013.

Yeah.

Had my wisdom teeth out.

In bed feeling sorry for myself.

And then I didn't get to go to the shops for ages.

Ran out of normal tea.

Started just moving on to the herbals.

Noticed that actually I was quite enjoying myself.

Never went back.

Whenever there's a story like this, which is just like a weird part of James's life, I always just look at Benito for the whole thing because he loves nothing more than a story like that from James.

He really had my wisdom teeth out.

He really laughs at anything that's like...

Are you laid up for that long when your wisdom teeth are out that you how long could you not leave the house for to like get well?

I got unlucky.

What happened was

I got a thing called dry sockets

where they take out your wisdom teeth.

How did I not know this?

And instead of

everything just like, you know, healing back up and cool, there was a hole that went from, I guess, just, you know, the outside world down my gums straight to the bone.

So then air was getting in through my mouth and touching the bone

that was down below.

And it really, really hurt.

The hole wasn't from the outside world, James.

Well, that's where that's where the whole hole starts.

Yeah, but not, it wasn't out of your face.

There wasn't a hole in your face.

There's a second hole in the top of my mouth.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that led led to that that led to the outside

so it would go the air would go through it through the mouth outside world into my mouth down the hole in my in my gums straight to the bone and it really hurt yeah so i was uh laid up in bed uh i kept trying to get emergency dentist appointments and couldn't and obviously i was just on liquids only so i went through the the tea bags pretty fast and then it was on to the herbal tea

wasn't the tea get yeah wasn't the tea going filling them out yeah it was horrible the tea's part of the outside world as well it was horrible But it was either that or not, you know, not

of anything.

Yeah.

So you didn't even eat?

You didn't consume.

I had soup.

Oh, my gosh.

So that's getting in from the outside.

Not on the pie.

But I kind of mainly go over to one side of the mouth, you know, try and get it away from the dry socks.

Like lull the head over.

Yeah, yeah.

God, that actually sounds terrible.

It wasn't nice, and I had loads of clove oil.

Oh, I got it.

That I put on the

to

numb it up so it didn't hurt as much.

I was in a tiny little bedroom at that point.

You could touch all the walls or laying in bed.

And the whole thing stank of cloves.

No.

By the end, there's a stank of cloves.

There was this guy calling you bleak.

This guy.

I'd like to go.

Who was in a bed where he could touch all walls with his feet and arms and with stank of clove oil.

He had dry sockets.

Dry socks.

This was from the dark ages.

Yes, but that was

a straw all over your floor and a donkey next door.

Like, that's what it sounds like.

I once made a soup and it was the worst soup I'd ever made in my life.

And I thought it had like loads and loads of like herbs and stuff in it and I spent and spices and I spent ages making it.

And when I ate it, it tasted like porridge and it was fucking filth.

It was and I was really angry because I spent the whole day making it and Rosie came home from work and was like, I can fix this and put in a handful of cloves.

I reckon there was over 19 cloves in there.

Yeah.

It was

the worst ingredient ever.

And like when you use a clove, you use like one or two maybe.

And she literally put in a a fist full of cloves.

And so not only did it taste like, it was grey, it looked like gruel.

It was supposed to be Indian wedding soup.

It was a bad wedding.

It looked like porridge.

It was grey.

And then every mouthful you took, you got like eight cloves.

It like coat, like literally cloat your mouth.

Yeah.

You'd feel like a sheen on your whole mouth.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Was that the name of the recipe, Indian wedding soup?

It wasn't the soup that you were making to take to an Indian wedding.

I would have been the most least welcomed person.

We shoved it down the toilet.

Yeah.

And shove is the right word.

Just punching it down like Play-Doh.

Why did you shove it down the toilet?

It was inedible.

Yeah, yeah, no.

Okay, I understand you wanted to get rid of it.

That bit I understood.

You wanted to get rid of it.

Why toilet?

Because

you can't put it down the sink because it will just clog out the sink.

Oh, no, that wasn't.

What we were thinking was the first option.

People were thinking the bin was the first option, not the shoe.

Because then you've just got a bag of wet in the bin.

Do you know if that bag?

If that bag broke,

imagine if that bag broke and the Indian wedding suit went all over the bin and the floor.

If we would be cursed and for never getting married ever again, yeah.

I would personally put it in a bin bag, then take the bin bag straight out,

the toilet is so much better than that.

You don't waste a bin bag.

The toilet is there, and it's used to getting just

getting anything down there.

Yeah, it's used to getting an option.

You should be happy to get an Indian wedding there.

You're you feeling all right today?

No, honestly, I've just done an Indian wedding since a bunch of clothes.

Well, yeah, a wedding.

No, no, I made it with my sister.

That sounds like me and my friend Alex Rosedale once tried to make

George's marvellous medicine out of his mum's medicine cabinet.

Yes.

He just poured all these pills in and stuff.

Yeah.

Oh, God, his mum found us doing it and went absolutely ape shit.

He's like, Have you drunk any of this?

Don't make yourself sick.

Make yourself sick.

Had you actually drunk it?

No.

Oh, no, no, no.

We literally just poured everything we could find and it was like pills bobbling around in the top.

That is so funny and like so high stakes.

Yeah.

Like so high stakes.

And also so, I think our age of the 90s of like rolled dial just causing absolute havoc for all children everywhere.

We used to think one of our teachers was a witch when we were like eight years old and we just called her a witch all the time, which I think is very funny and we enjoyed it as children.

But I imagine as a teacher, when you've got enough stuff going on, you're just like, fuck off.

Yeah.

Just fuck off.

Stop calling me a witch.

Yeah, this is embarrassing for you.

We had a teacher who genuinely, I think, was a witch.

Interesting.

It's her wig always squeaking back.

It was genuinely like she used like a high bun

and really like, yeah, definitely like no toes.

Yeah.

Penalized.

Yeah, for sure.

She did this when you walked past.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Didn't like the smell of children.

Yeah.

So, yeah, still war.

Pop-doms off.

Pop-a-doms.

Every time.

Pop-a-doms.

Really?

Pop-a-doms.

Yeah.

Emphatic.

Yeah, Yeah, 100%.

Bread's boring.

What?

Bread's boring, sorry.

What?

It is boring.

Especially in a restaurant, because they don't bring it...

Often they bring it with a little bowl of butter that's way too hard.

You can't toast it.

You can't...

They don't bring an interesting bread.

They never bring a tiger roll over, do they?

They just bring some like sliced up run-of-the-mill bread.

Pop-a-doms, however, they come with a selection of dips.

and chutneys and

uh it's just yeah i i love it i really love a pop-a-dom.

My local Indium takeaway is very, very nice.

It does like what I think is the best curry.

But when I first moved to that area, I went round to go and order, and there was nobody behind the desk, but there was the TV on in the entrance bit, and it was playing really, really,

well, not it's all of this is obvious, but um, it was playing porn on the teller.

So

it was just me in this room, stood behind the counter, and there's no bell to ring.

So I was just stood in this very small room with a telly on playing porn.

It was just like a telly in the corner.

Yeah, just a man going to town on this woman.

And she was very vocal.

So

that was the only sound.

And I was just sort of stood there.

I didn't know whether to look at my phone or to watch the porn.

You were stuck.

No point watching porn on your phone, Maisie.

It's on the TV.

But then he appeared from the back.

Same yards.

From the back of the restaurant.

You enjoy the show.

I own the place.

You're enjoying my washing.

Is my show real?

Put your clothes on and come through and have some food.

You're not the first, you won't be the last.

So he came.

He came from the kitchen, stood behind, and then I felt like I was wrong because I felt like

he'd come into the room where porn was on and I was there.

So it's like you've got the porn on.

So I felt the need to be like, I didn't put that on.

You said that.

Yeah.

And then he

and then he went, neither did I, but he looked very, very embarrassed.

Of course he did.

And then I had to make a decision then.

Well, not then, I should have really made it earlier, but whether or not to still order a curry from this place that had been

showcasing porn in their entrance.

If I walked into a takeaway and there was porn on the telly, I'm leaving immediately.

Yeah, so you turn, right?

Yeah.

Well, this is the thing.

I'd had a curry from there before and it was really good.

So I was trying to weigh up whilst this woman was enjoying herself.

And it's quite hard to have a dilemma when it's against the backdrop of very loud orgasms.

But I was trying to think, how good was that curry?

And do I really want to still get it from here?

And then I didn't really have time to make my decision because then the man appeared.

And so then I was, then I just went, oh, I didn't put it on.

He went, no, me neither.

And then I just went, all right, chicken Prissanda, please.

You know what you should have said?

You should have said, I'll have what she's having.

Oh, I should have.

I could have had my own little.

Yeah.

But instead you went with, I didn't put that on.

I didn't put that on.

Chicken paddea, please.

Or a chicken cormer.

Also, it sounds like what's happened, if he didn't put it on either, that someone,

someone really bad a chicken corner over there, doing the thumbs up to each other.

I mean, either we want to go with that or

chicken tikka masala.

We'll do it later, later, later, later, later, later.

Okay.

You're doing a Vindaloo one?

No.

Okay.

He's got Usan at the end.

Yeah, yeah.

That's probably a pop of the cherry dom.

Yeah, yeah, chicken braggy.

Come on.

Much now.

Horrendous.

Okay, I'm sorry.

What I think happened is I think someone else went there, got a curry.

On their way out, they noticed that the TV is just

you can change the channel yourself.

And they just went to the channel.

And they just hold

that's funny.

And then they went home.

I hope so.

That sits better with me.

And then you turned up

and watched it.

But telly what telly would have it you've you've

got to from the performance this woman was giving i don't think it was it was proper yeah i think there's a paid subscription going on so really and that that's what was quite unnerving as i watched was he watching this and then just sort of thought right better go and make some corner sauce yeah because that doesn't sit well was it like channel it wasn't like channel five no it wasn't like

what's that one that used to be on late at night um when you sex etcetera wasn't like yeah it wasn't like euro or anything, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was like proper, like you could see.

Do you remember Sex Ettera?

No, I don't think I remember it.

Do you remember Sex Ettera?

Nobody else remember it, no, or

no, just like

sometimes sometimes when you'd go through

late at night, there'd be quite erotic stuff on just a freeview channel and it's on a show called Sex Cetera.

But I'd I no, I didn't watch it, I just I'd characterize it on

I didn't watch it either, hence why I know nothing about it.

But you,

I don't like that.

I feel like I've not even got to my dinner, and already the image I'm giving out is somebody who watches a heap of porn with a big casserole dish.

Yeah,

just straight out, you took the curry off him, straight out the pot.

Yeah,

don't bother with the foil thing, bring the pan out,

leave this on, turn it out, leave it on, turn it out.

I went out in the chase, you know.

So, pop-adoms was the answer.

Pop-a-doms.

and

porn.

Porn on?

No porn, thank you.

Up to you.

No porn in my poppadoms.

Thanks.

Not in it.

No, popped on.

That would be a real shock.

Porny poppadoms.

I brought the poppadoms out in that place and there was like, he'd somehow fried a bit of porn in the middle of the poppadom.

When you crack it open, it makes a little noise.

That would be so disconcerting.

That's not what I.

Went to an Indian restaurant and you do the thing where you smash the poppadoms in the middle and it goes, oh,

see, that's that's not

like oh, when you say porn in the poppadoms, that's not what I thought.

That's even more wind to call it.

I thought porn in the poppa-doms, you were literally

what if you were.

If you were with pop-adoms, if you were with poppadoms, you're making orgasms now.

Would you leave the restaurant?

A work party.

Just should we get popped ons for the table?

That's Maisie's orgasm noise.

Edgeworth's very like, oh, oh,

Maisie.

Mine was the same sound when I got knocked out the chase.

Oh, she liked that.

She loved it.

She just sat at the back of the studio with the adjudicators.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Oh, dear.

So pop it on.

Yes, please.

I don't know why I've mentioned that.

That's Simon's thing now, and he's got his bit on.

But, like.

No, well, I think we believe the words were suck at Simon.

I don't think he's one in this at all.

He's not, he's sucking it.

He is.

Go suck that tackle.

Oh, the worst way to eat a tackle.

It really is.

No, it'd be like eating communion, like a really big communion.

No, is that about...

I mean, I was ex-Catholic.

I'm saying ex-consecrated, right?

So,

in Catholicism, you suck the middle out of a taco.

Well, obviously, you suck the wafer.

Well, I did, but you were told it was rude to do that.

There's a lot of like chat about, I used to.

So, when you receive communion, you can take it by the hand or by the mouth, right?

And I would let the priest give it to me in the mouth because I'm sorry.

I'll be honest with you, Alison.

I was sat here going, okay, come on, Ed, you're better than me.

Don't make a joke about Catholicism and sucking it.

Yeah.

And I thought we're going to be really mature and avoid this.

So

there's a number of points.

There was one of like

sucking it.

And I thought in my head, no, don't do that joke.

And then it was, you can take it in the hand or take it in the mouth.

Don't say that.

I'm not going to jump on that.

And it was eventually, I would let the priest give it to me in the map like well

how the hell are we meant to leave this

it's because I'm left-handed it's not like what because you're supposed to take the communion if you're if you're so I'm gonna think of a way if the police if the priest places the communion in your hand you take it with your right hand and you pop it in your mouth right but if you're I really have to think of a better word than take well then

okay you receive it

You open your mouth and he and he places the communion in your mouth.

And then you're supposed to then like,

he says something to you and you say it back.

He goes,

body of Christ.

And I go, amen, right?

And I close the mouth.

I walk back to my pew.

And then you're supposed to sit down, have a prayer and let it kind of let the communion slowly like melt away on your...

Like a skip.

Like a skip, exactly like a skip.

But sometimes I would put my tongue up to the roof of my mouth, creating the glue.

And then you're afraid, because this is the body of Christ.

I am worried.

So

and you're not allowed to chew.

You're not allowed to chew.

You're not allowed to chew.

You're not s you're not supposed to chew or look too happy while receiving the body of Christ.

It's supposed to be.

You're not supposed to go, mmm.

Yeah, because genuinely it does taste nice.

Yeah.

It's like a little, it's a little wafer if people haven't had communion.

Christ, it better taste nice.

I know, know yeah

it is exactly it's the original number one son of god you know so i've had yeah and it is like like a tackle like i have thought when i was when i was receiving communion before like it would be great with like a smear of like um cream cheese or something like that so like uh that is a nostalgic food for me that would be like my version of the old elbaso

but you can't really get communion wafers

well they must buy them from somewhere right i yeah i wonder wonder where

imagine that imagine imagine if you saw not aster they must do not ask

i was like wow

imagine seeing like a a a priest like just like who's clearly just had a breakdown walking down the street eating eating a massive bag oh yeah but you know

like their like their chips just like straight into the mouth someone people have definitely done that like because as people that used to be servers so that was like uh children who would like um they would be like the magician's assistants of priests basically on state.

So, like, I used to do that, and um, the kids used to steal the wine,

drink the wine, yeah.

But we never, never fought like wafers as well, like, even though we'd access to it.

What's the wine?

Um, well, I was about 11, so I don't know.

Wine's wine, I suppose we did.

Very heady Merlot.

I don't know.

The priest just sips it and goes, yeah, I'll have that.

Thank you, Bernie.

Yeah, fill her up.

Yeah.

So, yeah, I feel so afraid now that I've excommunicated.

I mean,

I'm no longer Catholic.

No longer Catholic, and I am mentally ill.

And I don't know if they're connected, but

I still love a candle.

Like, you know.

Yeah.

And Catholics love candles.

You can buy like fancy candles that...

deliberately smell like the Catholic smell.

Can you?

Like a Yankee candle?

Yeah, well, it's even like

freshly consecrated.

Yeah, but it's like you can buy that's that specific Catholic church smell.

No, you can buy in like a really fancy candle.

And I love, I love that smell.

I would literally buy that.

Yeah, the incident that's swinging around in the metal ball.

Oh, you see that?

I used to do that at funerals.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I used to earn about 20 quid.

It was great.

Nice.

You'd get money for weddings and funerals.

Yeah.

You know, you'd be sad that someone has died in your village, but you would be like, oh, my shift's coming up next week.

Yeah, yeah.

You can go bowling.

I'll have it either.

That smell is great.

That takes me back.

Because my grandparents were Catholic, so whenever I went to my grandparents, we'd have to go to church.

Yeah.

And that, oh, nice smell.

I don't know what the smell is.

Oh, look, I'll bring you sometime.

One of my food bits is like,

well, I'll tell you after when it comes up.

I'll be quiet.

I'll let you take care of this.

All of those people sicken me, James.

Every single one of them, but none of them can even hold a candle or a lit match after they've just done a dump.

To fattest.

To Fatia Elkhori.

The queen of the toilet.

I mean, what an episode.

Really, we could just put Fatia's entire episode here.

Yeah.

But here's three little choice clips from Fatiha Elghori and her disgusting mouth.

Do you know what?

I had baked beans the other day and usually they make me fart and they didn't So I don't know what's going on.

Honestly, I really don't.

I don't know if they've changed because I don't eat them because they make me fart a lot.

And I fart a lot anyway without beans.

I don't need no excuse.

Do you know what I mean?

So like, I don't know what's happened.

I think they might have changed the recipe or something.

So you must fart quite a lot when you eat the baked beans normally for it to be an event in your head where you ate beans and you didn't fart.

And

that's a proper thing for you that you've remembered.

I didn't fart when I had those beans.

What the hell happened to me?

Yes.

One time we was having dinner, like family dinner, and I accidentally farted at table.

My mum lost her shit.

She was like, Fetiha, tomorrow, you go Morocco forever.

And I was like, okay, mum.

Farting.

It was an accident.

Okay.

Morocco forever.

Yeah, she was pissed.

She was like, you are an animal.

Did you just claim to be your sister?

You don't work on my mum, just that mad grandma.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's a good idea, actually.

Good job she wasn't there.

That walking stick would have gone straight up the button.

Yeah, exactly.

Do you have any other cups?

Because at the moment, you're using that cup for everything.

Yeah.

Do you have a toilet?

What's going on?

Are you just literally

everything goes in that cup?

Do you know what?

It's funny you should say that, right?

Because I live near a railway bridge.

So whenever people say to me, where do you live?

I say, I'm a troll.

I live under the bridge.

And they usually give me money.

So, no, I'm joking.

They don't.

They don't.

They just never come to my house.

That's all.

You were definitely going to tell another story there, Fatia.

I can't remember.

Well, I asked if you weed in the cup as a joke.

And then you said, I've got a story, actually.

I live near a railway bridge, and I was intrigued to see where this was going.

That was it.

I just live near a railway bridge.

And then

when people,

when people ask me, I always go, I live down there under the box.

Right.

And yeah, they feel sorry for me.

That's all.

I just make them believe that I'm a troll.

That's all.

I really thought we were going to get a story about you taking a piss in that cup.

Are you mad?

No.

But when I was younger, I tell you, I do have a story.

And when I was younger, I used to be obsessed with water.

So, like, I would just drink from the toilet, and my mum would at the door.

Yeah,

I know, this is very

James's face then was honestly the most surprised I've ever.

It's just how

when Fatia tells stories, she doesn't tell the main bit of the story.

She tells the whole bit of the story the same as each other.

So there's no kind of like teeing something up and here's the main thing.

It's just the normal stuff and the headline is all said the same.

So just like when I was younger, I was obsessed with water.

So I used to drink out the toilet.

And it's just like it's all the same.

And there's nothing, there's no flagging up that here comes this.

It's just, there you go.

I used to drink up the toilet like a little doggy.

Yeah, I legit did.

Like my mum would just come and I'd just

like every day.

They used to have to shut the door, but

they would shut the toilet door.

But if I, if somebody forgot, that was it, bro.

I was in there.

I was like doing a David Husselhoff dive and I was just

like that in the water.

Honestly, I used to be like...

proper bad even in the bathroom as well i would turn the tap on and just hold it like that so it just goes

everywhere you love water how old are you i think about three so you could get to the sink and turn the tap on not the sink the bath the bath the bathtub but so you could drink out of the taps of the bath yeah why were you favoring the toilet uh water I have no idea.

I think it's the lion in me.

You know, I said, you've got a lion immunity.

I don't know.

Animal, the animal in me.

I don't think you can invoke the noble lion when you're talking about drinking from the toilet.

I used to do it in people's houses as well, man.

My mum was like, We can't take you anywhere.

Straight to the toilet, drink that.

Lovely to see you.

Thanks for having us to your home.

Excuse me, where's your bathroom?

Is that Fat you're talking?

Professor Free you are.

Yeah.

When you drank up the toilet, would you cup it in your hands and like spring it to your mouth?

Or were you just fully putting your head in and lapping it up like

a big lion?

so what happens is because we pray we have a little jug in our toilets yeah that we fill with water so every time you go toilet rather than using tissue you use the water to clean yourself yeah so i would fill that jug and just you know drink from it the bum jug yeah yeah exactly the bum jug so you would drink out of the bum jug yeah so i'd feel that and then drink not like that i'd drink from the rim or my hands whichever because i knew they would catch me so i had to do it quickly i was like i've got to get this fixed i've got to get this fixed

germs in.

Yeah, so now we know why you insist on drinking from a jug.

Yeah, now it's exactly that you've not changed.

Still feeling like you're drinking out the toilet out of the bum jug.

I am obsessed with the toilet now, you know.

Like I have to get all those, you know, those things you stick on the sides that...

whenever you flush a nice smell comes out i've got about 10 in my toilet like i'm obsessed with it like i bleach it every day i flush it every five seconds i know it's not good but i just like the smell the smell of those smelly things i probably drank from a dirty toilet when I was little and someone's we used to go to this woman's house and my mum used to be like, don't ever drink from their toilet.

They don't flush.

So like, I don't know.

That's not the reason.

Definitely not the reason you shouldn't drink from the toilet.

She shouldn't have to say that to anyone.

Remember, when we're at this person's house, don't drink from their toilet because they don't always flush.

Did your grandma know that you were drinking from the toilet?

Hell no.

I'd be dead if she did.

Your dream starter.

Okay, This is crazy because we've just kind of a little bit been talking about it.

But my dream starter is hovis granary bread or malty seed

toast with butter.

That's my favorite thing.

And the whole thing, do you know what?

I've got a toaster.

Do you know where it is?

It's still in the box.

Okay.

I don't use it because if I use my toaster, I would eat bread every motherfucking day.

Do you know what I mean?

Like three times a day.

I'd eat it three times a day.

Can you imagine what my poo would be like?

I would, it would would be a brick, I just couldn't do it.

So, yeah, I can't.

But that's my favorite food.

Like, sometimes I go to the cafe and I'm like, Can I have toast?

And they're like, No.

And I'm like, What do you mean?

And they're like, It's nine o'clock, get out.

And I'm like, Okay, as in like 9 p.m., not a.m., obviously.

They'd have to give it to me if it was a.m.

You're the cafe in the evening, try and get some toast.

Yeah, I'm like, Please, can I have a bit of toast?

I'll do anything for the bit of toast, please, sir.

And they're like, We're gonna call the police.

That's my favorite food starter.

That is my favorite.

I'll be honest, it's a surprise.

She makes me feel sick, James.

Absolutely gross.

But you know what would be a good antidote to all that poo talk?

Some wonderful impressions.

Oh, yeah.

You've been working on your accents again, so they've come up quite a lot.

Yes.

I've got to say, often it's my fault.

Often I will deliberately make you do them, especially in front of famous actors.

Yes.

So let's hear from Morgana Robinson, Joseph Quinn, Jarvis Cocker, Felicity Ward, Tom Davis, and Rob Bryden.

Brydon!

Brydon!

Talking of accents though, Morgana, where are you from though?

I was born in Australia.

So there you go.

I know.

So I came over here when I was like three.

So I don't, I'm very anglicised, but my whole family sounds like that.

We're like, you know, proper sort of redneck country Victoria Australians.

You know, it's very sort of, you know, neighbours or whatever.

Because obviously you're very good at voices anyway, because that's, you know, part of your job.

You can slip into very auntie, though, yeah but is that easier for you to reach for because even though you're only there for it's very familiar yeah it's very familiar yeah because i have to speak to one of the time i don't know have you always been able to do voices because i'm i'm something of a i like to try and uh i can't really do them very well james is obsessed with people who can do accents but you are you want me to teach you one yeah okay why don't you ed give us an example of an accent well shall i if i can do it shall i give you an example of one that i love james doing

shrek he does shrek go on then

What do you want Shrek to talk about?

Shoes.

So Shrek's got a new pair of shoes, maybe.

Yeah, that'd be lovely.

Really nice new pair of shoes, and he loves them so much.

Oh, I'm trying out these new shoes.

Oh, they're so nice.

Don't get it.

Don't get it.

Come and give me my shoes.

I'm putting my shoes on.

Oh, those are some good shoes.

Oh, I'm going to wear them all the way happily ever after.

Shrek.

That's extraordinary.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So where would you start maybe if there was any pointers that you could give Jones, maybe improve it, if it can be improved indeed?

I just move on to the next one.

Try a new attempt.

But yeah, the best way is

if you know someone with a Glasgow accent, just sidle up.

Yeah.

Enjoy the ride.

And suck it all in.

Mike Myers, yeah, he's Canadian, doing like a Scottish accent that a lot of...

Scottish people, they don't appreciate the voice he does in Shrek.

So maybe they would prefer mine because I'm just at least making, you know, I'm not even making fun of him.

I'm genuinely trying every time I do that.

I'd like to think that Scottish people would appreciate my one more than his one.

I think so.

It's got more potential or something.

A lot of potential.

Yeah, a lot of potential.

100% potential.

It's almost, yeah, it's almost, yeah, it is.

It's nothing but potential there.

Yeah.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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What are you feeling like?

Eye of the storm right now.

You're on your social media.

It's going nuts.

Still pretty raw.

People going save.

People are insane.

Are they going insane about it?

They're insane about it.

They're so surprised.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Loads of surprises happened.

Yeah, look, it's all, yeah, we're still very much kind of

in the eye of it, really, at the moment.

Yeah, it's kind of mad.

It's good.

Every time you really go wide of your eyes, I just think I'm talking to Eddie Munson.

Every time I go, there it is.

He's not there.

There he is.

There he is there.

Good accent.

Thank you.

That's perfect, James.

Did you take a card?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, you're American.

James is very good at accents as well, but he loves to meet another guy who's good at accents.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

Nice to meet you.

Should we?

Yeah, sure.

Do you have any requests for James's accents?

Oh, no, it's not Tim.

Maybe an American, just a general American.

Yeah.

That's perfect.

That's good.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

What do you want me to talk about in my American voice?

Just the last time you were surprised?

I'd say the last time I was really surprised

would have to be

when I watched Stranger Things.

Yeah, that's good.

That was surprising.

Yeah, surprisingly good.

Yeah.

That's my American voice that I would do if I was in Stranger Fings, and people would think I was American.

And would be surprised when I was English.

Honestly, that's how I thought I sounded.

Yeah.

Yeah, you feel like a sociopath.

You just kind of, you just go, hey man.

After a while, I was so far down the rabbit hole after like points of just being like do i sound like do i sound do i sound good like do you like do you like this do you like what i'm doing doing it too american yeah no exactly well it's kind of you put the shoe on the other foot like i was trying to like i was talking to joe keiry and i was at one point i was like so like honestly so deep in it and he was just like dude i can't save you

i can't save you but i promise you it's gonna be fine yeah but yeah it was um thank you for that jam hey no worries i'm happy to you know put my american acts now They're pretty good.

Yeah.

I thought you were going to make me do Shrek, so thank you for not making me do Shrek.

It's annoying when actors do like voices for stuff and they put on an accent for a card.

You go, why have you hired that person?

Just hire someone that's from there.

And I was about to give an example, but now I'm not going to give the example because I know what would happen.

But no?

Ah, no?

Yes.

No.

James is referring to Shrek because James does a very good Shrek impression.

Would you like to hear James's Shrek impression, Jarvis?

Yeah, come on.

Well,

what would you like me to talk about at Shrek, Jarvis?

Imagine you're talking to the donkey about its

personal hygiene.

Donkey!

You gotta wash behind your ears.

You build so disgusting, donkey.

You gotta brush your teeth, donkey.

Come over here and listen to me while I'm talking to you.

How do you feel about that?

Well, I'm glad to have witnessed it.

Yeah.

It's a long time since I've seen Shrek, so I can't say exactly how

it is.

Well, it's very good.

The film and James's impression, both both excellent.

Equally good.

There's Shrek the Musical, which is available to watch on Netflix.

And I popped on the first five minutes the other day, and it's utterly horrifying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's terrifying.

Is it live action?

A man dressed as Shrek.

As in like a live stage version of Shrek the Musical.

Oh, no.

A big green man.

Do you like musicals as a musician?

Oh, God.

No, I don't.

Like, when I used to do a radio show on Six Music, on a Sunday, when I got in the lift, it would always be Elaine Page on.

And she plays loads of musical.

So I just try.

I can last about even the length.

You know, it's only three floors.

But by the time I was got to the third floor, I was going, please let me have this landing.

It's like, so

you know, that kind of,

I just hate it.

It's like, shut up.

That's good, though.

You think I could get a job on

Shaftesbury Avenue?

Yeah, I wish you would shut the musical if you were doing that.

I think a pulp droop box musical,

but then people turn up and it's everyone's doing it in that voice would be

a desecration.

I think pulp fans would like that though.

If there was a pulp the musical and it was all your hits, but everyone sang it like that, not really enunciating any dynamics and just...

You're just trying to finish what's left of my career.

My mum has it every single morning and she tells me, she's done it for 10 years.

Yeah.

And I'll get, if I go over there and she goes, I've made you breakfast.

Would you like a bit of Birch and Muesley?

I've just soaked them over.

And she will go through what she's done.

She's been doing it for a decade.

I'm like, I know exactly what's in there.

I appreciate it.

My mum is amazing where she talks about the food that she's cooked like she's just completed a Heston Blumenthal recipe.

And she's like, I just had a nice little salad with, you know, a little bit of lettuce and some parsley for the garden.

And I'm like, yeah, this sounds like a pretty standard salad.

Yeah, I get that.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

She did not have a functioning oven for years and one of the stovetops worked and she was all right with that.

And one, when I was staying out there once, I got home and it was really late.

And I said, I'm really hungry.

And she said, there's a frozen pizza in the freezer.

I was like, oh, okay, I'll just whack that in the oven.

She goes, the oven doesn't work.

Why don't you put it on the barbecue?

I'm like, oh.

I didn't know if barbecues did frost.

She's like, no, no, no, I'll be fine.

And so I cooked it.

I don't know if you've seen that episode of The Simpsons where Marge goes and then Homer tries to cook fish fingers and they're burnt on the outside and frozen in the middle.

It was that.

It was absolutely disgusting.

That was the same night she tried to tell me that she invented the phrase, get a room.

And also tried to like get me over into cryptocurrency.

Wow.

My mum is a loose unit.

I just say broadly, don't take crypto advice from someone who doesn't have a working oven.

Yeah, or someone who cooks pizza on a barbecue.

Yeah.

Most Australian anecdote we've ever had on you.

on the same trip let me tell you this yeah i had a let me tell you this if you're non-bloody mind

i love this character hello there chef how you going

that's like my old working club man um we have things called rsls in australia which are like return service league they're working man clubs for people that have been in the military but there's always someone that's up at the bar that's like ordering

hello there streila how you going

i love it yeah

absolutely love that one.

Yeah, they say that this is something that my...

So I'm just being flooded with memories.

My pop was very Australian.

He's ex-Army as well.

And one day when mum and dad had only been going out for a little while, mum caught a wave and she lost her bikini top.

And so she covered her hands and came, like covered her boobs with her hands, came out of the water.

And my pop said, if those puppies are for sale, I love the one with the little brown nose sticking out.

It's time I've had streets.

As soon as you said it, I was like, oh, that's going to kill him.

That's going to kill him.

Oh, imagine saying that to your future daughter-in-law.

Yeah.

So bad.

This is why I have no boundaries.

I've never been taught them.

My dad said that to my girlfriend.

I'd be like, we're moving to a different country and we're never seeing my parents again.

Oh, that's so funny.

I took my wife now back to where I came from, Mayo, for this sort of trip of like, you know, just before we got married, I was like, yeah, I'm going to take you back to where I come from.

This tiny little place called Roy Carter, which is near Belmullet, which is sort of on the sort of like furthest peak of Ireland.

And I hadn't been back for years.

So I was like, look, we're going to go and, you know, you can sort of see like where my grandmother was born and all that.

So we were driving over there.

And the satnav basically stops, can't find this place.

Roy Carter is quite a tough little place to find.

So we sort of pull over in Belmullet, we're going to this petral station.

And I'm like,

I'm going to do this accent, right?

Yes.

but like this accent in me or they have this kind of sort of singing we of talking when you're talking to you I can't do it greatly but I'm gonna try

I haven't been there yeah so that sounded like a legit accent I go into the petrol station I was like oh hi I'm looking for Roy Roy Carter and this man goes

what do you want with Roy Carter or what do you want for Boyden or And I said oh I'm I'm over there like my family's from there like my grandmother what's your grandmother's name now

Bridget Lally Bridget Lally's dead.

She's been dead for about 20 years.

I know she's dead.

She's...

But my uncle's, Dennis and Tady Lally.

Dennis is in a mental law institution.

Tady's dead.

I was like, Yeah, I know this.

They're my uncle's.

And he's like, What do you want here?

I said, Well, I'm going to take my what.

Yeah.

I basically have to do an interview to go to this fucking place, right?

So I do this whole thing.

And he's like, Good, follow me.

I'll show you where I carto.

So we get in the car and we drop me and my wife are driving.

He speeds off.

My wife's trying to keep up, right?

Speeds through the country.

We turn up at Hoy Boy Carter and he runs into this BB pub we're staying in and the whole pub comes out.

And I still come out.

It's quite intimidating.

You're in the middle of nowhere, like sort of like, you know, the wilderness of Ireland.

And my wife said, oh my god, what's happening?

I was like, don't worry, I've got this.

I get out of the car and the woman who runs the BB is like, what do you want here?

He says, you're related to Bridget Lally now.

She's dead.

She's been dead.

I've been 20 years.

I said, oh, no, yes.

Bridget Lally's my grandmother.

And she says,

it says, no, Denison Teard is nephew.

You know that Denison Mental Institution tiered his dead and all.

I said, yeah, no, no, no, no, they're my uncle's.

It's, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I come from, like, this is, I want to sort of like, it's a sort of me retracing and showing my wife, like, where, where I'm from and the, you know, where my family's from.

And my wife was like, we have a room booked here.

And she was like, we've got one room booked tonight in the near of Mick and Mary Murphy.

Is that you?

And I went, no, no, no, no.

I'm Tom Davis.

And like, this is my fiance, Catherine Morphy.

And she was like, My few was, maybe we'll get a neem wrong.

Will Mary Mick, will you come in?

I was like, no, no, like, that's not my uncle.

So take us to this fucking nuts room, right?

We're there for like four or five days.

We're driving around.

And for the whole time, she's calling me, Mick, my wife, Mary.

It's like an insane place.

It's like something from a comedy sketch.

They never load up.

Yeah, no, no, no, no.

Because I think they had just literally not heard what my wife was saying and just put these names together.

Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.

So

this, like, sort of the, I think, like the penultimate night with there.

I'm sort of like, I was in the bar chatting to some people and she comes with a worried look on her face.

She said, can I have a word with you, Mick?

I was like, yeah, yeah.

She says,

Dion, there's a young man over there.

She says, You're an actor by the name of Tom Davis.

He's got it all wrong.

I said, No, no, that is me.

I'm Tom Davis.

I'm an actor by the Noah.

When you got here, you said you were Bridget Lally's grandson.

I was like, Yeah, no, I am Bridget Lally's grandson.

And Dennison Teady's nephew.

I said, Yeah, no,

you know, but he's convinced you're an actor.

I said, No, I am an actor.

I'm an actor, but I'm also related to Bridget and Tadie.

And she's like, Um

but who the fucking hell is McMurphy?

I said, I have no idea who McMurphy is, right?

And she's this is quite the conundrum here, and it.

And I was like, it's really not a conundrum.

Anyway,

she still writes to me, like, on, DM me from this place.

So stay right in.

It's an incredible process.

Anyway.

There'll be nothing you and your modern up-to-the-minute hipster humour can do about it.

It'll be old school all the way.

Man, imagine if there's another series of the trip, and they were like, you've got to have a, you know, some new blood, some modern hipster humor.

And

I managed to make the cut.

We take you along with us.

We're getting destroyed.

Like, scrappy dude.

Scrappy-doo around the table.

You're the kid that's with us.

We're getting absolutely just torn apart.

I don't think you'd say I'll be.

I don't think you would.

I think you would overpower us with the power of now, basically.

And we'd look like two granddads.

And we'd be going,

go on, Steve.

Come back to him with something.

Oh,

I can't forgive anything.

It's really fast.

I know, but you are as well.

So are you.

Why don't you say something?

But obviously, you and Steve are back and forth with impressions as well in the trip.

So James would have to get involved in that, really, wouldn't he?

Yeah, would you do?

Oh, no.

So, James, what could you do if it was all sort of...

If it was fast-paced impressions around the world.

I know where he's going with this, Rob.

Have you gotten up his sleeve, are you?

Well, I haven't gotten it.

Well, this is a regular thing on the podcast.

It's so far up his sleeve it's popped out his collar.

Ed makes me do an impression quite vaguely on this podcast, and I don't like doing it.

And I've been very this, he's really done well here.

It's very early, isn't it?

It's very early in the podcast.

Very early.

Because I specifically like it when James has to do it to people who are good at impressions or accents or anything like that.

Yeah, but we can move on, can't we?

No, no, no, no, let's hear it.

So who is it?

Well, I'll do it, and you can guess who it is.

Oh, good, good.

What would you like me to talk about?

Talk about...

Act like I'm on the trip with you and Steve.

Yeah, so you could say something like, well, talk about the food.

Let's say we're having a lovely starter.

Talk about that.

That's what we talk about.

Oh, Steve, do you like your starter?

Huh?

Donkey!

It's donkey bit.

Steve, are you eating your starter man?

Oh, is that meant to be Mike Myers doing Shrek?

My name is Shrek.

It's Shrek, is it?

It's only because you said donkey.

If you hadn't said donkey.

Yeah, the first bit you were.

You may as well have said that donkey.

Oh, Princess Fiona.

She's lovely.

I mean, yeah, it's not good.

I've got too much res I said it's you heard me i said it's not good i've got too much respect for you james to to to say anything other no no it's not good it's not your area i would stay out of that area i would like to see that on the committee you gotta you gotta admit that oh there's no doubt you committed to it if anything that made it worse is that the first thing on the checklist of a good impression commitment yeah throwing stamping like the person that's the first thing and that's the bit i think that james skipped over yeah yeah yeah yeah you have you have so many talents james and i think you've got to it would be like me trying to do keepy uppies you know It's never going to happen.

It's rubbish.

No, I can't.

But you want to try?

Your character and the trip would try.

Your character in the trip would be very competitive, Lovely.

Of course, yes.

But of course, you see, that's where my character and the trip is very much a fabrication because I'm not that.

I'm competitive in some ways, but in others, I'm massively uncompetitive.

I'm happy for a no-score draw.

Ah, hearing that that back actually, I realized that I'm much better at accents than I think I am.

Yeah, but you still get pretty wound up, man.

Uh, do you know what?

A lot of guests do come on this podcast and wind me up.

I don't think I'm to blame there.

I think it's always reasonable whenever I get wound up.

You used to be to blame, but now I think people come in to deliberately try and wind you up.

Yeah, they do.

Certainly, in the case of some of these: Esther Menito, Charlotte Church, Flo and Joan, and Professor Brian Cox.

I feel angry just hearing their names.

We arrive at your dessert.

Now, listen.

Oh, don't pull that face.

This is

Asther.

This is

everything I do just angers James.

Yeah, but this will be the one.

I hope you're going to do what I hope.

Come on.

What is...

Right.

Pick whatever you like, Asther.

What I don't think is going to happen.

It's always slim people that love dessert, isn't it?

Hey, I'll say, I'm the slim white guy of Manderbel.

It's always people that are like, I love just looking at me for that.

It's always these slim people who like it, isn't it?

No, you're right.

You know what I want about Tubba?

I like where this is going.

I know.

I'm not going any further.

No, I'm talking about...

Other desserts.

I do like where this is going.

I am scared.

I am scared because I don't really know where to direct my anger in this room.

I haven't had somebody I don't think...

I have had people in this room yeah throw me for yeah yeah you have yeah so you get quite angry if someone doesn't have dessert yes so if you went out for a meal with somebody and they didn't have dessert would you just get up and walk out well no I would shout at them and threaten to throw them into Trafalgar Square which is what I did to Ed Yeah, that's what he thought.

He ordered the cheese and biscuits.

And yeah, so most people, I don't think there's anyone who, if they ordered cheese and biscuits in a restaurant, I wouldn't get annoyed about it instead of having dessert.

If someone just doesn't have dessert, and that's there's a pass on it entirely, I'm not delighted but it's not as bad as cheese board is the worst.

Really?

I don't surely passing is no no no passing is not as bad.

Cheese board is worse because it's it's real okay we're going down a spiral.

It's real bad cheese board.

But you get the sweetness from the chutney.

Nope.

You do not.

What are you about to say?

I was gonna say

cheeseboard.

Fucking hell, yes.

With some grapes and

sweetened a bit of sweetness from the grapes, so grapes.

What the fuck?

Grapes, blue Stilton,

some salty crackers.

Lovely.

Yeah, really good.

I hate it.

The thing is, James, you don't understand flavours because

you need the grapes as your sweetness, and then you get the salty Stilton.

It's lovely.

No, that's not true.

You don't understand flavours.

Oh, God.

What would you have then after a curry?

Oh, a fucking pudding, maybe?

Yeah, like like what?

Ice cream, sorbet, cheesecake, fudge cake.

Fudge

cake.

Chocolate fudge cake.

No one says fudge cake.

It's always chocolate fudge cake.

Well, sorry, I have to specify.

I wouldn't have a...

I wouldn't...

Yeah, but you don't want...

After a big meal, you don't want to have to then have a cake.

I agree.

You don't want a pudding after a curry.

I'd have loads of custard.

A big bowl of custard over cheeseboard.

Not after a curry, you wouldn't.

Yeah, I would.

Oh, God.

I can't stand custard.

I can't stand it.

What?

I feel...

I can't stand it.

I really can't stand it.

Rice pudding as well.

These are things that I've got.

It's too hard to get your bare-naked teeth.

I don't have an ammonia.

I think a cheese board after a curry is a great choice.

I think it's a great choice.

It looks not a great choice.

You do have the cold grapes to soothe the spice.

What?

You talk about your ice cream to soothe the spice.

Yeah, normally it could be.

It's different.

It's perfect to soothe the spice.

Alright, James.

Just chill out, yeah.

Right, listen.

I tell you what,

I will compromise.

No, see, this always happens.

You always bully people into he does, yeah, he throws a little fit, doesn't he?

Yeah, you should.

I think you should stick to your guns, Esther.

That's all I'm saying.

Well, I will, but the only compromise I'll have is, you know, in the Indian restaurant, for the dessert, you get the whole lemon with the sorbet in it.

We go, Corsa, yeah, yeah.

Put the sorbet in the bin.

There we go.

Sorbet in the bin.

Eat the lemon.

Would have had him like a spoon.

No need.

Yeah.

No.

I'm eating the whole thing.

I'm not a pac-man.

Well, I hate to tell you.

Just to tell my jaws.

I hate to tell you, that's exactly how you've characterised yourself throughout this podcast, that you're a lemon pac-man.

Yeah.

I said I peel it and I eat the slices.

Honestly.

I love a lemon sorbet.

I love it.

Very bad.

In a whole lemon.

I'll have a lemon sorbet.

Yeah.

Lemon sorbet is delicious.

Let it be known that I would prefer to have a cheese board, but because a little bit of a bread.

I'm not going to have shrimp.

You can have both.

I'll have both then.

You can have a cheese board and then you can have a little lemon sorbet and a whole lemon.

What about those posh places where you go and you have the little sorbet between courses to cleanse the palate?

Do you have that?

I've never had that before.

I've heard it said.

Yeah.

I've heard tale.

You've heard tail of the

intercourse sorbets.

I do genuinely feel calmer now, the lemon sorbet's intercourse.

Would you eat like an angel delight?

Yes.

I would do it.

That's made me angry.

I wouldn't do that.

You don't like custard angels or like, you don't like anything sloppy.

Why?

Why, why?

Why?

Because it's all just like vomit looking, innit?

What?

It just looks like custard.

Slurping custard.

See,

this is really interesting as well.

And I've spoken about this on the podcast.

Moving on.

I'll have a trifle.

I've got custard in it.

It's literally got custard, cream.

It's literally the consistency of everything you just said.

Wow.

No, listen to.

I've gone back on myself again.

No, listen, at Christmas,

I'll have a scoop a trifle because I like the cream the whipped cream you like the whipped cream well you just want to scoop a whipped cream no i'll stick with my no i'll have my cheese board and then my lemon saw bake and a spoonful of trifle of course and a spoonful of trifle no i'm not having a spoonful of trifle i'm just saying to prove a point because he was getting angry right so just to just to let me know that i'm not complete

you have a spoonful of trifle

but that's gonna reassure apparently that makes me angry yeah

actually if i'm allowed to do that then what i would love to do is is go back to the the Dreaming in Mid-Wales, in the heart of Wales, to the Healing Retreat Centre.

And there are two incredible waterfalls.

So I am going to stand with a really fancy-looking goblet at the bottom of the waterfall.

And I am going to take this pristine, cool water right from the waterfall.

Thank you very much.

And when you're there, are you out of the way of the waterfall and you're holding the goblet into the waterfall?

Or are you just standing under the waterfall with a goblet and it's all just going all over you?

Okay, you clearly have a little fantasy going on there, my darling.

This isn't a wet t-shirt competition and standing next to the waterfall.

James looks absolutely gutted.

Absolutely gutted that you've called him out for that.

Oh, I've never been called a grubby little perv before on the podcast, but I feel like a grubby little perv right now.

Sorry about that, Charlotte.

I do apologise for James.

Don't apologise at all, but no.

I am dry and I am holding my goblet under the waterfall.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God.

James, Charlotte just wants to get on with her dream meal.

She doesn't need to be peeking out of bushes, hoping she's going to get into the waterfall.

I swear I'm not picking out of any bushes.

I was just

sort of the logistics of holding the goblet into the waterfall.

That's all, but like it's nice and clear now.

Versus getting completely submerged.

Yeah, those are the two options.

I thought that was the two options.

We arrive at your dream dessert and we haven't even had you like try and predict each other's at any point.

Oh yeah, this would be a good time to predict.

Do you think you might know what the other person's going to choose as dream dessert?

I could guess at yours.

Shall I?

Shall I, boys and girls?

Topsy and tail, baby.

My guess would be a baked Alaska.

Wrong.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I see the delight in your eyes when you said wrong.

Wrong.

Even if it was wrong.

Wrong.

To be fair, even if it was right, I would now do an absolute 180 inch music.

I'm thinking of all the desserts I want now.

Why did you think baked Alaska?

I do like baked Alaska.

Because you, yeah.

Well, for that reason.

Yeah.

Quite straightforward.

Yeah.

Mum makes a cracking one and.

Gotcha.

Do I mean?

Probably mortarboard in the air.

Yeah, freeze stroke.

Yeah, that is the baked Alaska.

Then she just stays there forever.

She just freezes in the

Amino cereum.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do like to bake baked Alaska.

I don't really like desserts, so that's like one I'd choose if I had to have a dessert, but I don't really like them.

So what's what's about to happen now?

I want a bowl of stale Watsit, please.

Don't ask yourself forever.

What the f what what?

Are you joking?

It might be the worst one we've ever had.

It's the worst one we've ever had.

What the fuck?

Living fuck.

It's the worst meal we've ever had.

How the fuck?

How what?

Not even I could get on board with that.

What?

Nobody eats.

Somebody likes Watson.

Can't get on board with that.

A bowl of stale Watsics for dessert.

I'll be doing my own solo show.

We were talking about baked Alaskas a minute ago.

A bowl of stale Watson's.

How is that a pudding?

It's not, but I don't like puddings, really.

Why won't you put that

baked Alaska, which you admitted you liked a minute ago?

A bit of stale Watson somewhere else in the meal.

Because I don't don't want a dessert.

Like I never order a dessert when I go to a restaurant.

I never ever ever want it.

So I can never say that she doesn't.

Thank you.

Can we talk about why stale Watsits?

You know when you go to a party in 1997, it's like kids' birthday party and you've like everyone's picked at loads of stuff and there's bowls of stuff.

The Watsits go stale and they taste so lovely and chewy.

Fucking love them.

And I like again like picking.

So I don't want to like I want to eat and really enjoy my main meal.

Yeah.

So I don't want to be like holding myself back for a dessert.

But I can just pick at a Watson.

I can just pick at them until they're done.

It's the worst dish any was ever chosen on the podcast ever.

Not just dessert.

Any course ever.

A bowl of stale Watsons.

It's nearly...

What the fuck?

Thank you.

I think with, it's alongside...

Daisy May Cooper's pizza

salad.

Look for dessert.

For dessert.

Pizza salad.

Pizza hut buffet salad for dessert.

Yeah.

With like croutons and bacon and stuff in it.

That was bad and made me angry.

This

is way worse.

This is not even a good version of the thing you've chosen.

So you've chosen, you haven't even said a bowl of Watsets.

He said a bowl of stale Watsits, which I've had a stale Watsit and it's disgusting.

I fucking love them.

It's why they're not sold that way.

I buy Watsits and I will open the bag, go away on tour for a week, and then eat them when I come home.

Oh, and have it with your tea that you've been missing.

Stale Watsits is English wedding soup.

Yeah.

What?

As mad as I think this is, there is actually quite a nice joy in eating like something that's puffy but is slightly like cracky.

Like

what it's in your mouth.

Well done for making a taste even worse.

Yeah,

this made a bad thing sound even worse.

There's a joy in eating something that's puffy but cracky.

What?

What?

Well you get the night, you get the sort of soft crunch and then it goes into puff.

That's horrible.

Right, well, I might be coming around to the Whatsets.

No, you're not.

There's no way you're coming Melted.

You're saying you're coming Meltdread to try and wind me up.

And it's working, is it?

Yeah.

Would you feel the same feeling with like chipsticks or anything else?

It's sort of like maisy.

I like a stale chipstick, but...

Stale again?

What the hell is the matter with you?

They're like too, they taste like communion bread, you know, like church bread.

Skips, but like fishy church bread.

Don't want that.

But yeah, it's only like chipsticks and what's it.

I just, if I stopped using the word stale and said infused with more air, would that make you feel better?

No, it wouldn't make me feel better.

Maybe it would make me feel slightly better.

Oh, so now you are coming around to it.

No, I'm not coming round to anything.

If you said for your dessert you want a bowl of Watsitz, I'd still go through the roof.

But the fact that you won't stale Watson's, I'm going up into space.

Absolutely.

Horrendous.

See, Rosie, she's over the moon at the moment.

Horrendous.

Oh, man.

Do you know what?

I absolutely don't regret trying to push you to say the secret ingredient earlier.

I wish you hadn't.

I wish she'd said it.

It was Rocket, by the way.

I wish she'd said it.

And you'd have been out of the restaurant.

You never would have said stale Watsitz.

I would have stood outside eating my little stale bag of Watsits, watching the rest of you enjoy a nice evening with our Dormio ma.

You won't be outside eating your stale bag of Watson's because we'd have chucked you out and you wouldn't have got anything that you planned on having in here ever again.

I suppose it's like a cheeseboard, really.

It's a similar sort of something salty and cheesy at the end of the day.

Might say, it makes it even worse.

Congratulations.

Yes, even worse.

The worst cheese board ever.

Stale Watsits.

Oh my good God.

What?

Rosie.

No pressure.

Stale chipsticks.

After seeing your reaction, I'm slightly nervous about this, but it is sugary.

Sugary.

Sugary.

It did have sugar.

Champagne sugar.

I would like a really big bag of pick a mix.

Okay.

Yeah.

Here we are.

But here's the caveat, and this is why I'm slightly scared to say it.

I really love pickamix.

You know, the old, like old, like Wilco's, you get the Candy King or like an old sweet shop.

I like the sweets to feel a bit, yeah, the Woolworths.

I like them to feel a bit old.

Great.

Great.

Stale.

No problem.

I wouldn't say

stale because I don't think sweets can go stale.

What's your problem with stale Watson's when not with stale sweets?

Oh, I don't know.

Let me look at what coarse one.

Fucking dessert.

So that would be why.

That would be why.

If you put stale Watson's earlier in the meal, I'd have let it go.

I would have had a bit of a laugh about it.

This is a crime.

If I'd said, once, there were a few years ago, they made ice cream flavour Monster Munch, would you accept that?

Yeah, I'd be more open to that.

Oh, well, that's not my choice.

I was just checking out.

I know it's not your choice.

But if you said ice cream flavour Monster Munch, I'd be like, oh, that was a challenge.

That's definitely a dessert.

It's a dessert flavour.

I'd like to hear about this.

I'd ask questions about it.

I'd be very intrigued.

I'd maybe even want to try some ice cream flavour at Monster Munch.

I have no interest in ever eating a bowl of stale Watsons, especially not for dessert.

If I had a meal and the end dessert, someone bought out stale Watsons.

It would be the worst meal I'd ever had.

It certainly wouldn't be my dream meal.

So what's in your pick and mix?

Fried eggs.

Fried eggs, definitely.

I love anything sort of strawberry-ish.

I love laces.

I love the big snakes.

Schnakes?

Schnape, a chicken.

Why does that make me honest?

I love the pink bottles that have the white foamy on the bottom.

Oh, I'm not.

No?

Yeah, we're getting into territory I don't enjoy now.

Okay.

If you say white chocolate mice, I think we've pretty much parted company.

I would prefer a white chocolate snazzle.

Is that what they're called?

Razzle?

Razzle.

I know what you mean.

The little discs that are hundreds of thousands of miles.

If I was going into chocolate territory, I'd rather have the razzles.

Snazzles?

What are they called?

call razzles

i don't know what schnaz

like a fresh basically lies a minelli now yeah

fresh

or whatever i like i fear the chocolate ones in pick and mix yeah i'll only take a few just every now and again you just need a slight different change of pace so a little white chocolate thing would come in i do like a pink chocolate piggy sometimes

piggies oh you never no you haven't been to the right pick and mix they're pretty common now.

Like little pig heads.

Pink pigheads.

Well, I love a pighead.

We've established it.

Your girlfriend's just in the warworks of the

mouth.

Opens the bag.

Oh, God.

With that little plate, just get them out.

Your mum pops up the pick a mix.

Gotcha.

She's always

in the mortar board.

Also in the mortar board.

It just pops out, literally pops her head out of the pile.

Gotcha!

Kind of the beadles about of like cookery.

Graduation and cookery.

I also had this other thought where, because I was thinking dream restaurant, I was trying to think of like perfect meal, but also dream restaurant.

Do you remember in Willy Wonka when he eats the cup, he eats the teacup?

Yes.

I was wondering if you could, like, if I could get hold of that, just to know what that taste was like.

So maybe if that was aside my pick-a-mix, because because pick a mix would be my ideal, like my death row kind of thing.

But if it's dream, that's something I can't get hold of, it'd be Willie Wonka's little teacup.

Does he drink?

He drinks from the chocolate river and then he drinks and then he bites off the side.

And I always just was so interested.

If

what it possibly would be that grumbly

really want that chocolate river teacup, yeah, I was thinking about the chocolate river teacup.

That's amazing.

Burst into week wonk

and

walk out of the room.

Do it over the table.

Thank you.

I just needed you to say my name.

Do you want chocolate river in the cup or just the cup?

Yeah, I'll have a bit of chocolate river because

that's the whole experience, really, isn't it?

Yeah, a bit of chocolate river.

Pre-gloop falling in.

Pre-gloop.

I'd have a bit of gloop in there, actually.

Yeah.

Fair enough.

Yeah, why not if it's good?

Okay.

Let me taste the boy.

This new character you've established over the course of the day.

Give me a glass of champagne.

I'd like me to taste a bar.

Bring on the glue.

Is there like foam bananas, foam prawns?

Yeah, I have a few.

Is that a few top manager?

I'd have a few, but I'm not huge on the prawns.

They sometimes give me a bit of a headache, the shrimpy things.

I would prefer more jelly-ish.

I love it when you get like a wine gum, but they're like the old ones that would say like the actual thing, or they say like burgundy on them or porch.

Yeah.

And they, if you sort of like bend them, then you can see the top crack.

Do you know what I mean?

Like when they're old and nice.

Cracking, cracky and puffy.

Cracking a puffy.

Cracky and puffy.

Cracky and puffy.

I'll take my...

Oh, I love the bobbly, red and black disc thingy, you know, the little, what are they called?

The red and black, bobbly things.

The berries, yeah, the berries, the berries.

I love, only a few of them had them.

Woolworths used to have them, but I haven't seen them since.

It's the flat, smiley faces.

You're getting green, orange, yellow.

Night.

Pretty much that.

I love the

spider.

Sometimes they're octopuses or a spider and the bum will be jelly inside of it.

Do you know what I mean?

You're making them up now.

You're just making them up because we're not stopping you and you're going, well, I need to come up with some more.

The spider with the bum is jelly.

The bum is jelly.

There'll be people who will know what I mean.

The bum will be like slightly raised or the octopus will be slightly raised and it will have like more goopy stuff in it.

Uh-huh.

I like that.

Cola bottles?

Yeah, I will have one for the sake of it being a classic, but I'm not huge on

them.

The sour colour bottles.

I like it.

The pink and pink and blue ones.

Not really.

Oh my gosh.

I really like the traditional cola bottles.

Hey, does anyone else do this?

I bite the lid, like the top off, and pretend to drink.

Pretend to drink the cola.

I was with you until the drinking came.

Yeah, yeah.

I always do that.

Every time I have one, bite the top off and go, glig, glig, glug, glig, glug.

No?

No?

You guys are missing out on a load of fun.

Do you like the cherry-cola bottles?

Yeah, I like them.

Yeah, they're good.

Yeah, they were the best.

At

Paul's Corner Shop, around the corner from where I grew up in Kepton, that would be my go-to.

We get Cherry Cola, the giant Cherry Cola bottles.

Yeah.

Very excited about those.

Yes.

And they never counted the sweets in it.

So

let's just say I did all right.

Is the business still going?

Yeah, it is.

Yeah.

And feel quite...

I mean, anytime I go back to Ketron, if I ever go in that shop, just feel weird.

Yeah.

Feels like, oh, I'm a little kid again.

Yeah.

And I went in there to buy...

Yeah, me and my friends were going to my mate's house, went in there to get some beer beforehand, and it felt very weird buying alcohol at Paul's corner shop.

Yeah, I thought I was going to get ID'd.

I was like, here we go.

Is it this?

Is it still Paul who works there?

Yeah, but they've, well, I don't know.

I think maybe it's his family still, but like, they've uh, yeah, it still pretty much looks the same.

Did you get like those like 20p like ice poles and stuff in there as well, or those like weird little plastic tubes that were just filled with blue?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get those on the way back from school.

Yeah, and solero shots, yeah,

we never spoke about them on the pot, they were fucking great.

They are so, so good.

And like, genuinely quench your thirst.

Yeah.

Genuinely.

And the Spider-Man isolated.

Do you remember them?

The pink ones?

Do you remember them?

No, no.

Made it up with spiders again.

It's going jelly in the ass.

You're going to smash the scene.

The spiders, what are you?

The spiders were there and the octopuses were there.

A candy man was appearing.

Your dream dessert.

Black holgato.

Black holgato.

Same problem though, Ed.

Yeah, sorry.

I think you wouldn't be able to even pick it up.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

I like dark chocolate.

And I don't like dessert too much, actually.

I don't like sweet

so much, but I like dark chocolate.

How dark are we talking?

Very dark.

100%

dark.

Not quite.

No, I go for about 80.

Nice.

Dark matter.

Dark matter.

Yes.

Yeah.

We don't know if that exists.

We suspect it does.

The Large Hadron Collider just switched on actually again.

And it's now looking for dark matter.

Really seriously trying to, because we thought we'd have discovered it.

Dark matter is something that we think is out there in the universe because we see its gravitational effects.

And so we're pretty convinced there's something out there, which is a kind of particle, a subatomic particle that we haven't yet discovered.

And we thought LHC at CERN would discover it, but it hasn't done.

But we're switching on again with much more capability.

So that's one of the things at the top of the list.

Do you ever worry?

There's some things you just shouldn't go looking for.

Because you'll wake wake something up and it'll be evil.

Dark matter seems to me, leave that stuff well alone.

Yeah.

No, but if it hadn't been there, assuming it's there, so we're pretty sure it is, assuming it's there, then it played a central role in the formation of galaxies and the other universe.

Yeah.

So we wouldn't exist.

Yeah, but it doesn't want to be found.

You can't find it.

Well, it's just a particle, though, so it doesn't

have once.

It feels like it's going to be a venom situation.

Yeah.

And addressing Ed's original question of what if it is evil.

Well, it's like saying, what if a grain of sand is evil.

Good point.

Well,

answer that then.

It's not.

It's a grain of sand.

It's got no consciousness, no nothing.

It's just a

grain of sand.

So dark matter would be like very small grains of sand.

So there's no possibility at all that it could be evil.

So we can rule that out.

What if you're in a lab?

Right.

And one of the scientists is looking in the microscope at some sands that you've got from the beach.

And they look up and their face face is ashen white and you're like everything okay and they went brian this sand is not like any sand i've seen in my life before and you say what are you talking about i say this is there is evil in this sand it is evil and they say that to you yeah what's next step

Yeah,

throw them out.

Fair enough.

And every scientific society they're a member of, just throw them out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But then we know from films, they're the ones that are right.

Yeah.

And everyone else might say that.

Oh, yeah, Jeff Goldblum was.

Jeff Goldblum, yeah.

Life finds away.

Do you agree with that?

Yeah, I do agree with that.

Yeah.

Actually.

Well, interestingly, so well, Mars is a good a good question because we we think that life may have begun on Mars three and a half billion years ago because the conditions were right.

And we're pretty certain that it it probably isn't there today.

We're pretty certain it wouldn't be.

We tend to look for signs that life existed.

But it's interesting that we do think there may be water subsurface.

And if there is, then that life finds a way.

You know, it does seem that if life can survive, then it will.

That does seem to be the case.

So maybe, maybe.

I go with life finds a way.

That's not...

anything to do with sand being evil though, is it?

Because

sand isn't alive because it's it's sand okay so evil is like it's a thought it's a force isn't it that's just like gravity is it's a property of living things isn't it a property of consciousness spirit

no

i'm i'm vice versa yeah no i'm either way on this yeah i see your point

i see i see james

well how come it's me versus brian though i'm back up yes i did your thing but he hasn't got a point for a laugh what no i'm saying what if because dark matter clearly doesn't want to be found so what if we are you worried?

What does it want?

Are you objecting to the use of the term want?

But have you have we found it?

Well, that's not because it doesn't want to be found, is it?

Because it can't want.

But what is it?

It's a basic...

It's just a subatomic particle.

So subatomic particles don't want anything.

Yeah, they don't want to be found.

No, they don't.

There's no such concept as want, is it?

It's just a.

It's a basic building block of matter.

What if you touch it and it goes all the way up your arm and then you're evil?

Because of your arm and now you're evil.

Well, it wouldn't do that.

How do you know?

You've not found it.

No, because it's a subatomic.

What if you find it and it is evil and then you've unleashed that on the world?

See, let's just go.

Let's just think about a grain of sand because it's easier to visualize, which is a lot of subatomic particles, right?

So in principle, a grain of sand has got more possibilities open to it than just a single subatomic particle.

So they're more likely to be evil than the dark matter.

No, even then,

go and get a grain of sand and have a a look at it and see if you think it's got sufficient complexity to um well to be to be as intelligent as you uh-huh but what if they were all loads of sand not just one grain yeah loads of sand yeah also the the i i'm gonna just this just tiptoe back a little bit uh i've never uh heard the phrase as intelligent as you said with such stank

you put a real spin on that when you put it

as intelligent as you yeah fair enough i thought someone would pick it up.

You're comedians.

It's an open net, isn't it?

And

you didn't go through it.

I'm just worried about the sound, in all honesty.

It is quite worried.

It's a good question.

So you could ask, so look at a human brain.

So that's a collection of, remarkably a collection of atoms and molecules that can think.

So you could ask.

How complex does something have to be to have that property?

I mean, as I said,

it's a reasonable assumption that nowhere else in the Milky Way galaxy are there collections of atoms that can think, because it's a big ask.

It's astonishing.

But all these things that you're talking about,

so evil or love or fear or science or music and art, all those things are things that emerge from these remarkable collections of atoms.

So you could ask the question,

how much stuff do you need and how complex does it have to interact together to produce those what we call emergent properties?

The answer is we don't know.

It's one of the great questions.

So it's not an entirely stupid question to say if grains of sand could interact with each other and you could build them into some enormous structure that could process information,

then

would it become...

Yeah, there is a

sand mantle.

Yeah, I think that's a scientifically inaccurate answer.

Yeah.

I think someone should have said something.

I was a consultant on a science fiction film once with Danny Boyle.

Going back to danny boyle and the beatles film so he created a film called sunshine yes i love sunshine well the direct the commentary

the audio commentary on the sunshine dvd is me is it yeah and that was years ago

i haven't listened to it see so you never listen to those comedy i did the commentary and then danny did a commentary and so and that was before i'd been on telly or anything it was actually it was the first thing i'd done so uh horizon which is one of the old you know on vbc two it was years ago so it was the first one i'd done and they saw it danny saw it and thought, you know, he looks a bit like this character that I've got in Sunshine, which is the Killian Murphy character.

How he envisaged him to be.

So they got in touch and said, do you want to come and whatever?

That's so cool.

And so I did work on the film and I did the commentary.

It's a great film.

I think it's an underrated masterpiece.

It is.

It is underrated.

I think just because it's like at the end, it changes genre.

And always people...

People find that difficult in films.

Yeah.

But it's great.

Well, Alex Garland wrote it.

He wrote 28 Days Later.

Yeah.

So those great films.

Directed his own brilliant films as well.

Did Ex Mackina?

Ex Mackina's fantastic film, isn't it?

Fantastic.

Here we go.

Now we're all on the same page.

We've changed genre, right?

The end of the podcast.

We've changed genre at the end of the podcast.

It's a film podcast.

I want to get to the bottom of this dessert, though.

Dark chocolate.

Dark chocolate.

How would you like this dark chocolate presented?

And also, don't feel like you have to have a dessert.

If you don't want anything sweet for dessert, there's always other options.

I also like

cheese on toast for dessert.

Oh, what the fuck?

That happens.

Do you want in certain restaurants?

A rare bit.

A nice rare bit.

Yeah, yeah.

St.

John, a fantastic restaurant, has a wonderful rare bit on the dessert menu.

Yeah, and I like that.

I often go that way, actually, because I don't like sweet things.

Yeah.

So I often go for the rare bit.

Well, this is the dream restaurant.

If you want to have a lovely bit of rare bit.

Rare bit with, yeah, buster sauce in it.

Yeah, lovely.

Uh-oh.

What?

Is he.

James is our resident dessert head.

And he doesn't like it when people pick something savoury for dessert.

Ow.

After all that chat

about what is and isn't evil,

let me tell you, Brian Cox, a savory dessert,

scientifically

evil.

And anyone who orders one falls into that category as well.

You and that rare bit

may as well have been touched by the venom that you don't want to find in space

the rare bit can't be evil.

We've gone through this.

Yeah.

It's not sentient.

No one

thinks that rare bit is sentient.

You can't have a conversation with cheese on toast.

Sometimes it feels like the cheese is so mature, it's having a chat with you.

What?

Don't even joke.

This is someone just ordered cheese on toast as a dessert.

I think it's amazing.

No one's ever ordered cheese on toast.

This is perfect.

I love this.

Sat here.

Listen.

Can we we have sat here and we have indulged this man

in every crackpot theory he's been throwing

i've drawn a line

and cheese on toast for dessert i have grinned and bared it through every single thing he's gone on about none of it made any fucking sense

i do not let this go

What happens if we go sweet for the starter then?

I mean, is that...

What we're making that salmon swim through sugar now?

That salmon's gone through enough.

Is that even worse?

I'd feel better about that if the starters are.

We're changing the starter again.

No, no, no, no.

Let's go.

Stick to your guns, Brian.

You know?

I tell you what.

I tell you what, Brian.

There's one of your courses that should be shut on.

And I can't stress enough.

Brian was never shitting onto the potatoes.

I'm not sure what I'm doing over this.

You're going to fertilise it, are you?

You're not going to fertilise it.

I hope you like it fertilised.

What's the other one with the dates with the bacon wrapped around it?

What's that?

Devil's on horseback.

Yeah.

He was on horseback.

Evil.

Evil.

The clue to the name, Brian.

The devil's there.

Well, that section was about winding you up, James, but I think we wound up Professor Brian Cox there.

The best, best moment ever.

I love winding up that professor.

And we know our stuff.

What he doesn't know is that we hustled him.

We hustled that guy because we know it's already a foregone conclusion that sand and dark matter are evil.

Evil.

We already know that.

But what aren't evil is poppadoms.

Oh, love poppa doms.

Usually we start the meal with pop-a-doms, but we're ending part one of our roundup with the craze that's sweeping the nation.

Just promise me one thing.

Don't make dirty.

This is Siobhan McSweeney and Tim Key.

Yeah, it's the factory speaker.

Pop a dumbs on bread.

Pop-doms off bread, Siobhan McSweeney.

Pop-adoms on bread.

Is that how you treat your soda stream?

Beginning to see what the problem is here.

Screaming at his soda scream.

You're the first person I've made jump in ages with that.

In ages.

You shouldn't be proud of that.

Yeah, well, it used to be in the early days they'd jump every single time.

Yeah.

And now people are always ready for it because they've had a little list beforehand.

But then I was like, oh, this is the perfect time to do it.

Because we were talking to each other.

Yeah, you think we've teed up something else.

I had the soda scream.

Yeah, I got rid of the soda scream.

Very good.

I would like both, both, please.

Woo!

Yeah, if possible.

I would like both, and I would like the pop-a-doms to continue throughout the meal, even with dessert.

Lovely.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

I've been very interested to see what this is.

We learned lately that that's not

actually the right way to do it.

We were told.

Well, I agree, but how do other people know this?

Asma Khan, who she's got a proper restaurant and everything.

She knows what she's doing.

Yeah.

She told us pop-a-doms are meant to be at the end of the meal, just before dessert.

Oh, yeah, that's better.

just, so you're more authentic.

You've got in the authenticity.

Yeah, well, I, but I want it throughout the whole thing.

I don't want to wait till just before.

Right, okay.

So, do you want a big pile of pop-a-doms to sort of snack on throughout the meal, or as this is the dream restaurant, we can do this for you?

Do you want an absolutely massive pop-a-dom?

Oh, my God.

That you can just sort of work your way into the middle.

Could I have, like, do you know, like, an arch installation, they'd have a cube?

Could I have

a drink?

no but you know like could i have a room made out of popadom yes and could i because it's magic not

make dirty the popadom

when i run through it yeah but i have enough structural integrity that when i run through it you know like a cartoon

and you can sort of see the shape outline of you yeah so i would do that be able to see that yeah then there will be a basket of course

And I would pick up the shards of Popadom and take it away.

So I'd work for it in a way.

I'd harvest.

Are you eating in the...

Is this where the restaurant is?

Are you in a big cube pop-adom?

Well, no, because how, what about, I'm very into lighting, and I don't think you could,

the structural integrity for light fittings and stuff.

No, that's, that's silly.

So it's separately a cube poppadom, and you run through it and pick up the shards.

But also, when you run through it, not make dirty.

Yeah.

Not make dirty, so I can delete it.

But also, if I stood in the cube,

I could just sort of like fling myself,

fling myself around the room and sort of feel it crash all around me.

Yeah.

But also not make dirty with my feet or anything.

Yeah, but in that fantasy, you're not going to allow for light fittings.

No, no, because Papa Doms can't, you're not thinking this through.

Pop-a-doms can't hold up a lampshade.

No, but they also can't withstand someone throwing themselves around it and not making dirty at the same time.

What are your limitations as a genie?

I didn't sign up to this.

You'll be interested to hear that we've never crossed this bridge.

But this is what I'm saying.

I could absolutely give you a big cube pop-adom that you can jump around and not make dirty.

Yeah.

But also, I can put light fittings in that.

Or you can, look, they're fairly translucent pop-adoms.

You could put the lights outside the poppadom and you'd get a sort of lovely glow.

I think I'd like that.

That feels a little bit more special.

And I think it would be quite a special moment.

I'd like to be nicely lit.

Lovely.

I mean so is that your bread that you want?

Is it the key management?

Nope, I'm taking poppadoms.

Okay.

Because actually.

So James was right immediately.

James was right.

I actually love the...

Look, it's a process, isn't it?

And

it's a performance, you know.

That whole, can we get some pop-a-doms?

And then those dips come.

And, you know, some twerp in your party, karate chops the pop-a-doms.

Can I just say, you say twerp.

Yeah, I can totally imagine you being that person.

It's you every time.

It must be you every time.

Leaning over with that look.

When you go, you glaze over and you turn into a chimp.

You do.

You turn into a mischievous chimp and you do things like smash the pop-a-doms.

You love that.

Or you lean over and you look at us all cheekily and you say schlybey mother and then you chop it.

No.

You've done that before.

No.

No, no, no.

No, and I'll tell you.

No, no, no.

And I'll tell you why, because I don't chop it.

I slap it.

Okay.

You don't chop, you slap.

I slap.

Slap's better than the chop.

Well, I think the slap's more spectacular because, I mean, it is carnage.

No one can get any, no one can find a shard after that that's large enough to actually go into a dip and come out alive.

And the reason people are chopping it is because it's a bit more courteous.

It's the thin side of your hand.

You're going full palm, you're slapping the whole thing.

You can click the palm and then palm straight down on the poppadom.

Shalomy, mother.

Yeah, sparkling water and poppadom, yeah.

Yeah.

That's chaos key coming in there.

Yeah.

You could also, you could dip a shard or or two of poppadom in there, couldn't you?

I don't think I want to.

I don't think I want those two things to...

I don't want to cross the streams.

That's it.

I don't want to cross the streams.

That's exactly the phrase I was looking for.

I don't want to cross the streams.

Right, okay.

But you don't think you'd be tempted?

I wouldn't even be tempted to...

Would I be tempted to dunk poppadoms in a cheese?

Just to see what it was like.

I think that'd be great.

Do you think so?

Right, here we go.

Spicy Poppadom dunked in camembert with a little bit of mango chutney on the top.

I think that would be absolutely incredible.

You know more about food than me.

I wouldn't even know where to start with that.

That's insane.

It's just cheese and crackers with chutney, then?

I think you might have to have a reinforced poppad on because I think, you know, what you're trying to pick up here, it's not child's play, the camembert.

It's like, depending on how late into the proceedings it is,

when it first comes out of the oven, when you've first cracked the white, you know, sort of soft shell of the exterior with the cracked black pepper and the olive oil,

once you've cracked that.

And how are you cracking that?

Palms flat?

I think i'd have to go chop

i'd have to i'd have to go chop for that that would be too much carnage shall i be mother and then straighten palms straight i did i did a shall i be mother to alex horn once and um i must say um it was in edinburgh and his parents were there and i did a shall i be mother and it was with a pie and actually

there was a slight element of people looking at horn as if to say he probably shouldn't be mother

but i think if you're ordering a pie and no i don't know whether i agree with this now I I was gonna say if you're ordering a pie, you're sort of slightly taking your life into your own hands.

But actually, you should be allowed to have a pie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not on them.

So when you say you did it to a pie, you did shall I be mother and slap the pie?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I don't think I think

there's a couple of things here.

I think you're trying to get get into the get into the you know the community, the idea that I have a catched phrase which is shall I be mother?

Oh, don't you worry, that's already that's that's done now.

Yeah, that's done.

That's crystallized.

There will be people across the country having Indian meals, saying, Shall I be mother?

and then slapping the popcorn.

That's happening, is it?

Yeah.

Then explain it.

Is that the power of this podcast?

That is the power of this podcast.

Shall I be mother is now part of the public content?

I mean, the irony is, I'm going to start doing that, and I've never done that before.

Yeah.

Not with the catchphrase.

I think you have.

I think you definitely have to.

Not with the catchphrase.

I think I've remembered you do it.

Shall I be mother?

Well, there we go.

Shall I be mother?

The craze that's sweeping the nation, James.

Yeah, and hey, keep on doing it throughout Christmas and New Year, everyone.

Part two, of course, will be out tomorrow.

Tomorrow, that's the day after today.

Well done.

Thank you.

Any last words, Richard?

Anything you want to say to all the orange juice heads out there?

Squeeze on, baby.

Squeeze me till my pips squeak.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Ad.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.