Ep 165: Richard Ayoade

October 05, 2022 1h 15m

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BAFTA-winning actor, comedian, writer and filmmaker Richard Ayoade has a table booked this week. And he knows the way to James's heart.

Richard Ayoade’s children's book ‘The Book That No One Wanted To Read’ is published on 6th Oct by Walker Books. Buy it here.

Follow Richard on Twitter @RichardAyoade

Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.

Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).

Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.

And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.

Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here.

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Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast.

Taking the tortilla chips of the internet.

Poring over the guacamole of humor, adding the nacho cheese of good times, and sharing it with your friends, like all good podcasts should be.

That is the voice of Ed Campbell.

My name is James A.

Caster.

We own a dream restaurant.

We invite a guest in every single week.

We ask them their favourite ever start of main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is

Richard.

Of course it is.

This is exciting.

Yes.

Good stuff.

I mean,

I'm going to say before it even starts, I'm sure that all the listeners, you know, the fans of this podcast are fans of Richards already.

Yeah, absolutely.

There's a lot of crossover.

Probably one of the most requested guests.

We sort of have a list of guests who get shouted out the most that people want to come on.

We've had a fair few of them now.

We're working our way through that list.

We are.

We listen.

We do listen, but these are, of course, all people we want on anyway.

Come on.

But it's a wonderful crossover between the list and people we're very excited to have on today.

Yes, obviously, you know, accolades, too many to list really.

Galore things that Richard's been involved in.

He's also got a book coming out soon.

The book that no one wanted to read.

It's called October the 6th, it comes out.

Yes, it's a kid's book.

It's for children.

But let's face it, I bet a lot of adults would enjoy it.

I'm going to read it.

That's my reading level anyway at the moment.

Sure.

So you must go and buy the book that no one wanted to read.

It's out on the 6th of October, 2022.

2022, Year of Our Lord.

However, even though we all love Richard and we all love his new book, if it says the secret ingredient, an ingredient that we have dictated we don't like,

then we are going to kick him out of the dream restaurant.

Now, this one this week isn't one we don't like.

We like it, but it's related to his career.

Yeah.

The secret ingredient is broccoli.

Broccoli.

Specifically because of an episode of Garth Marengi's Dark Place where everyone starts turning into broccoli.

Why is she green?

Nisha's favourite.

Yeah.

One of Nisha's favourite things ever

in the commentary for Garth Merengi.

Nish will probably come up in this episode because...

Well, look, Nish is an obsessive Garth Merengi fan.

I was as well, but I'll not be bringing that up because it'll be weird in the small room with someone going, hey, before your show came out on DVD, I bought it on an illegal DVD from eBay.

That's great.

I didn't know you did that.

Yeah, I did.

I also owned it on DVD.

Nish has a theory that it's like...

It's like summer.

But basically, that everyone who's a comedian now owns Garth Merengi on DVD.

Yeah.

that generation of our generation of comics all watched it.

Yes.

And all own it.

Yeah.

That's this whole theory about the whole thing.

I mean, bear in mind, I also used to do a character who was a romantic novelist that was basically just sex Garth Merengi.

Yeah, and it was good.

Yeah.

I love Seltz and Krappy.

Yeah.

So we'll do the diet.

But yeah, so that's that's we'll see if Richard chooses broccoli.

Yeah.

He'll be out.

Even though, you know.

I kind of, you know what?

I like broccoli, but big big normal broccoli, I'm less into.

I think

since tenderstems hit the scene,

purple sprouting, there's less of a need for the big trees.

That is true.

The big trees I like to roast.

I like to roast them up after I've tried.

I've chopped up the stork.

Well, I chop up the stalk.

Yeah, yeah.

And use it in the tree, so broccoli pasta, and then I keep the heads, and then I roast them.

No waste.

And you eat the plastic, don't you?

And then I eat the plastic.

They can map to it.

Yeah, I chew that like chewing them all day long.

Well, let's get to it, I say.

Yeah, I think so.

This is the off-menu menu of Richard and Awani.

Welcome, Richard, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

Okay.

Welcome, Richard Iowani, to the Dream Restaurant.

I've been expecting you for some time.

I think it's very brave of you to do this show without a pop shield.

Because I've listened to the

excellent podcast first, and I congratulate the two of you.

But often I've actually felt that you're almost inside me James

such as the propulsive force of your appearance like you're in my head it's so it's it's 3d the sound and it's the spit on the desks oh yeah

I'm absolutely drenched

I definitely spat on my own portion of the desk I don't know if it made it across to you it was a big it was a very spitty one that I was thinking yeah I had a coffee and then uh and then I had some water after the coffee so that my teeth wouldn't stain that much you know very conscious of that does that

so hang on how do you stop the staining what's this it what's i just i just as soon as i've had the coffee yeah i just drink a a big water a big water yeah to really like rinse it down yeah to really like wow washed one's that recommended by dentists but my dentist told me yeah nine out of ten dentists recommend recommended

big water big water rinse it down yeah big water and it's got to be big it's got to be big what's that in a pint glass or just from a bottle this is actually just in a tumbler okay that's the that's the actual water damn big on it.

Big gulps.

Yeah, big.

Big gulps is my nickname.

Yeah, it's

a street name.

Yeah, yeah, I love a big gulp.

Big gulps.

Yeah.

What do you think about this?

Big gulp.

This is a gamble, that's what they call you.

Here's a bit of advice from Big Gulps, well, by my dentist, BG Gulps.

He said, brush your teeth as soon as you get up, don't have a coffee and then brush your teeth because then what you're doing is pummelling the coffee into your teeth.

Pummelling, yes.

That's what I do.

That's the first thing I do is brush

from within the bed.

Like Watson Grommet?

Yeah, I won't even step out until um it's that bad is the stench it's so acrid what's the best advice your dentist has ever given you grow up yeah

this went grow up mate yeah you're too old for this

he was that my it's actually Danny Glover my dentist

first of many film references I hope I hope so I hope so I mean it I could try and relate on a human level but it's probably best to do it via media yeah

absolutely do that you got favourite food scenes from films?

That's a good question.

I always find it slightly unprepossessing when people are eating in films.

You're aware that they're pacing themselves.

Yes.

Because it's small bites.

Yes.

So I think maybe the things that you remember are when someone really tucks in.

Yeah.

Three Colors Red, not the first time it will have been mentioned,

has a very good scene where Irene Jakob drinks an entire, I mean, it's a big water, maybe she just had a coffee,

after a ballet session, and it's a full bottle, and she drinks all of it, and you do go,

that was decent.

I always drinking.

I know what you mean about you really start focusing on, because

if they're just moving it around the plate, you're like, that's the actor avoiding eating out.

Yeah, that's like the fifth take.

When they go for it, you're like, how many takes did they do?

Did they eat that much every time?

Or were they like, look, this is the take where I'm going to eat the food?

Yes.

So switch on the camera.

This is it.

Yeah.

And the look up after that take, there's going to be some pleading in that.

Yeah.

In that look to say, please.

Yeah.

I hope that was good enough.

Well, we mentioned Chris Pratt briefly before we started recording.

Well, I read something recently about him that when he was a big boy filming Parks and Rec, there was a scene where he was eating ribs and he would eat a whole rack of ribs for every scene just to make Nick Offerman laugh.

Big Golf Pratt.

Yeah, big Golsh Pratt.

He was OG BG.

Absolutely.

That is extraordinary.

I like people eating from tin plates in films to show how kind of blue collar they are.

I like when they're pushing the, I'm taking big kind of side of the mouth chunks from a plate.

Swayze was very good at that.

Roadhouse, I'm thinking of.

Roadhouse, they were Swayze.

Yeah, very good eating in Roadhouse.

And also I like people eating chicken and just tearing a big chunk off.

They don't care because, you know, they get paid in cash.

Yeah.

So I like that.

It's like a medieval king sort of, like a Game of Thrones style feast.

I'm not familiar with Game of Thrones, but I know it exists.

You can imagine

I'd hope that'd be goose.

Ripping a big bit off a bird leg and then throwing it away.

I understand, yes.

I can feel that can become a bit rote medieval eating.

I like a kind of 80s double denim

from a lunchbox kind of eating.

But chicken in a lunchbox.

Ideally chicken.

I can't imagine someone opening a lunchbox and there's a chicken in there.

Or like a chicken drumstick.

So when you say you can't imagine it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm imagining a whole chicken in a lunchbox.

So when you say you couldn't imagine it, how hard had you tried?

Well, I'm still trying to imagine it and I can't imagine.

Just a chicken leg, no?

Just a chicken leg in a lunchbox.

Yeah, did you never...

I often, in a paper towel, in a kitchen roll, single chicken leg.

Oh, that's like.

And then use the chicken leg round the bottom of the drumstick so that, you know, you can still...

Oh, you're a

dirty break.

Yeah, I don't think it's an unusual thing.

And also, I think James has seen a lunchbox and a chicken leg, so he can imagine those two things.

I think you're underselling your powers of imagination.

What else would be when you were a little boy?

Hang on.

This is taking a very aggressive tone immediately.

What else?

It's as if the lunchbox is just a write-off now because there's a chicken.

For a start, you could put that in a tin foil, the chicken, or a tin foil.

And again, that's very nice to wrap the bone back up in afterwards

to dispose of later.

And then normal stuff in the lunchbox.

Sandwich, could be a drink, carrot stick, chocolate.

Look, I'm on board with this.

But I wait until I want to tell all the details of Richard's lunch when he was a little boy.

Wait, did his lunch?

Did you have a chicken leg every day?

Yeah, every day, twice a day.

Big Gulf's Richard, that's what they called me.

It was all chicken.

Did you have two chicken legs a day?

Yeah, two chicken legs.

Were they not the same chicken?

No.

I liked it to be a variety of chickens, and I'd kill them myself.

That was part of the morning routine.

Get up, brush the teeth,

sauce the chicken,

kill it.

And then I'd have to...

probably brine it, boil it, fry it.

So I was getting up at four by the end.

It felt like like an insult that you wrapped the chicken legs in foil before you killed the chicken.

Yes, exactly.

I like to sweat that chicken

before it dies.

What was your favourite sandwich filling?

Yes, I quite like corned beef in a sandwich when young.

Peanut butter and jam.

Peanut butter now is probably not making any appearance in school sandwiches because of the nut allergies.

Right.

So it's a whole generation we're losing.

Yeah.

Because you're you're a parent now.

I am a parent now.

So as of this podcast.

Yeah.

Are you thinking a lot about that?

I'm thinking, yeah.

I mean, you've got to take it into account.

You cannot be lax about that.

I mean, the hazelnuts that I was just flinging about the joint now, I've got to just keep in my pouch

and in an airtight pouch as well.

I can't be walking around with nuts on my person.

Where do you keep the pouch then?

Next to the chicken legs.

It's a very big lunchbox.

Is it other things touching the chicken that's distressing you so much, James, in that lunchbox?

What was in your lunchbox?

In my lunchbox.

Yeah.

there would be sandwiches yeah thing filmed what's it what's the in the sandwich what's the filling um oh so you dummy there don't like it when the tables are turned do you no no i quite like it in a way okay because uh but what what's happened is when we were kids yeah my brother would have peanut butter and honey in his sandwiches that is i've never that's never occurred to me and that's so in me my mind went to that even though i never

and what i'm not surprised you're not going to forget that how did that come about i mean presumably an accident like the invention of uh

it was just this big thing in my house of like you know the peanut peanut butter and honey yeah it was honey i guess is a big thing in your house anyway right obviously i mean the ecaster family sweet tooth sweet sweet tooth family

i tell you what if the acaster family were beekeepers we'd be dead by now yeah but you would have been out

of the honey we would have sucked all the honey out the bees themselves okay well we would have grabbed the bees and put them in our mouths and sucked the honey out specifically honey or anything sweet anything sweet okay right so same would happen if you're in a sugar factory yeah yeah you've just got to avoid sugar.

That'd be it.

But like, yeah, the wee the poo where, you know, he gets stuck in the hole because he's so obsessed with getting the honey would be every single member.

That's your origin story.

Yeah.

Okay.

My mum would be clear of it.

She's not into sugar.

No, she would be like

the rabbit of their

wee the poo.

So she's the feeder.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

And we're all stuck in the hole trying to get the honey in.

You can't get out.

You can't think of nothing.

And what were in your sandwiches, Ed?

Pretty straightforward, I'd say.

Ham and cheese.

Love ham and cheese.

Sometimes that sort of pre-done, weird cheese cheese stuff from a pot where it's like cheese bread.

Cheese spread, okay, like mayo.

Like Philadelphia, those kind of cream cheese.

Yeah, like a cream cheese, but the sort of one where it's like grated cheese, but then there's like spring onions and flavoured, like that sort of thing.

Yeah, but I'd eat that at morning break and then I'd sneak into school lunches.

Interesting.

Yes.

What I did, and I'm ashamed to even admit it.

I do feel bad about this.

My mum gave me money for school lunch.

I didn't buy a school lunch.

I'd say to my mum, I'm so hungry because I'm doing so much stuff.

Maybe I could have a packed lunch as well.

I think she must have known.

And I just saved that school money for...

I stole.

That's what it is.

I stole and I cheated and I lied.

And I bought records on the Friday.

Well, a record with my school money.

Before you said it, I was going to say, I'm sure that whatever you spent money on was so wholesome and fine that it wasn't naughty.

When you said records, I was like, yeah, that was one of my guesses.

And what was left over was uh crack

straight especially when you said you saved the money yeah i immediately assumed you meant you actually saved it oh i did say

and eventually i'd loan it back to my mum at um at interest so in a way she was getting hit from both ends yeah

yeah

but i do still i i do have pangs about that still i mean that's really

i do it's not because it's a daily lie each day i was going

so hungry at school again but then shortly the records would show up and she would know, well, he's got that from somewhere.

No, it was all cash in hand after school.

It was run by the mafia, the kitchen.

There was no, no, it wasn't done directly.

You paid cash.

Or maybe you didn't.

Maybe I told my mum it was a cash till.

But I mean, like, you would be listening to vinyl at home or something.

So wouldn't she be like, well, he's got that from somewhere.

I'd say they were very cheap and they're from car boot sales.

I mean, it really spirals.

It spirals.

And often I get them from second-hand shops.

So conceivably they could have been relatively cheap.

I think she would have been quite relieved that that's what you were lying about as a teenager.

Yeah, but still,

it's not a good start to the day.

It's a slippery slope.

I mean, I've brushed my teeth, but after that, it's downhill.

Killed a chicken.

I killed a chicken, wrapped in tinfoil, stolen money from her.

Maybe you're so eager to brush your teeth because you knew you were about to dirty yourself with lies.

Yeah, that was true.

Clean myself as soon as possible.

I did dirty myself.

Teeth were about to tell some lies.

That's a lovely way of putting it.

I did dirty myself.

The book that no one wanted to read.

Ring any bells?

For me.

Yes,

I wrote it.

Yes.

Thank you for mentioning it.

That's very kind of you.

It's a book for children.

Although I suppose you could read it to not be a child.

I mean, it's up to you.

It's about a book that a child encounters in a library, and the book is very high up on a shelf out of the way and refuses to be touched.

or read because the book is frightened that it has nothing inside itself.

okay.

Well, yeah.

I mean, the kids won't know what that's about, but I think every adult listening to this went, well, the book is Richard.

Yeah.

Well,

there's nothing better than writing a book that the children will not know what it's about when it is for children.

Yeah.

The children will enjoy the story.

That's the quote.

Can we use that on the cover, actually?

Children will not know what this is about.

They will.

Won't they?

They'll know deep down something.

Yeah, they will enjoy the story.

I hope so.

But I doubt they will go,

I know the subtext here.

This This is

what you're talking about.

I don't know that it's full subtext because if anything, I think that's the text of me.

Yes.

I don't know that that's even the subtext.

I'm wearing that very much on my sleeve, where I to be wearing sleeves.

Also, like, a lot of the time you might read, you know, there's about the author bit.

And you go, oh, a publisher has written this or someone else has.

I mean, for yours, it's very clear that you have.

Yes, okay, right.

What does it say?

Richard Iowadi is a highly tolerated British comedian.

Yeah,

that was me.

Yeah, that was me.

But they immediately accepted that.

They didn't go, oh, no.

They went, no, that's fair enough.

That's a fair description.

You are tolerated.

It's true.

Whereas you've absolutely stitched Tor Freeman, the illustrator, up like a kipper, though.

Oh, she wrote hers.

Oh, really?

What did she say?

Oh, she's just listed all her brilliant achievements.

Oh, yeah.

Graduated from Kingston University.

Yeah.

It's looking pretty good there.

Yeah.

That was tolerating.

Yeah.

Tor Freeman.

Yeah, done a lot of good work in the past.

Illustrations are excellent.

Yes.

Nothing to apologise for.

Was it a new challenge writing a kid's book?

Well, I didn't necessarily set out to write one.

It wasn't part of any plan.

I think just the idea occurred, and then I just

went through it.

Again, it's not a great story, I'd have to say.

I need to work on this anecdote

if it's truly to earn its place in the anecdote pantheon.

We're a great opportunity for people to hone their sort of their PRI.

Okay, here's.

here's it was a great challenge writing the book and I love a challenge and I grasped it and I think if you're out there and you want to take on a challenge then do it because you know what?

Life's about meeting challenges and overcoming them.

That's good.

That's really good.

Okay, it just sounds so bad from me.

I can't.

I think if you if you just started speaking like that all the time.

I know.

I think people would imagine.

I was briefly captain of the cricket team in my school and I was fired for demoralizing the cricket team.

And I think that was the only time that had ever happened.

I like cricket and they said, I wasn't even aware of it, but I think occasionally I said, look,

the other team's very strong.

We could resist or we could go home at lunch.

And they don't like talk like that in sport.

I cannot imagine you giving a team talk.

I would appreciate that so much as a cricket player, I think.

Sure.

Sometimes don't fight.

Yeah, just go home at lunch.

Just go home at lunch.

I've got two lunches in my bag.

There's something brutal about just being pummeled by a superior sportsman.

Yeah, there's more to life than this, guys.

There's more to life than this.

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The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be hosted!

Winner, best score!

We demand to be seen!

Winner, best book!

We demand to be quality!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs.

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Still or sparkling water.

I'll have still, please.

I have as much wind as I can deal with already.

And so it's a battle.

I'm like a kite, but on the inside.

I do feel like that,

but a kite that gives no one any joy.

I'm a kite crashing to the ground.

And enough wind to get airborne, but not enough to please anyone.

I've imagined the end of Mary Poppins and one of them's Scott U.

Yes.

It's just skimming the grass.

It's never quite taking off.

And also very good kite flying for their first attempt

at the end of that film.

He does a lot of double takes.

Have you noticed that guy, David Tomlinson?

the dad yeah he was he was famed for his double takes he tried to do one in every scene if you watch that film again

in every scene he does at least a double take and often a triple or quadruple he is the master it's really worth watching and is it so are his double takes triple takes and quadruple takes so good that you don't really notice it because it's just part of the cap it's like they're excellent but he does it in almost anything if I would appreciate if someone could do a supercut of his double takes.

It would look like he just couldn't believe that someone had walked into the room.

The double take's really fallen out of favour, hasn't it?

It has, and yeah, I blame naturalism for that

and for many things.

But a good double take, I tell you who was the last master of the double take, I believe, Matthew Perry.

Okay, excellent double taker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's not to be sneezed at.

Very hard.

You need the neck, you need the eyes, you need the eyebrows, you need fixed point.

It's a dance, really.

It's a dance of the face and reactions.

I mean, favourite friends character gotta be gotta be Chandler I guess it is a very good character now do you think that was the first character who knew they were funny in a sitcom well I guess the old the older American sitcoms are all there's a lot of wise cracking characters yes but they never no one else laughs at them no

it's like give this guy a break he's like done eight zingers in a row and everyone's giving him a stone face whereas in friends I think it was good that they were allowed to laugh at Chandler

I guess you don't count Seinfeld in Seinfeld because he's a professional comedian, in his

funny thing.

He knows he's funny.

And no one else found him funny.

No.

And that was quite funny that everyone, you do a lot of the does everyone notice stuff, don't you?

Yeah.

I liked how everyone hated his stand-up, all of his fans.

Didn't he go out with someone once who just went, I can't respect what you do.

I just can't respect that kind of material.

Why still?

I used to have Smark Thing in the good old days before the decline.

But it's quite aggressive again the dentist Danny Glover said this is really attacking your gums it's attacking your teeth you've barely got anything to start with it's now about defense yeah forget it and also quite can be quite windy botsy in the restaurant are other people at large i think sometimes i feel this is a bit like a desert island meal that it's like your last meal and no one's around but that's not part of the premise well it's up to you i mean it's your it's your dream restaurant so if you if you want to be amongst other people that's fine but if you do want to just be by yourself and

my wife Lydia she'll be there in the restaurant same table sorry same table same table

it would be a table big enough for two one of those yeah yeah um I you are possibly thinking of a jetty or a diving board yes has anyone had a meal on a diving board just up on the end of no

stop you if you want that okay we're on a double diving board so at the end we can uh we can swim it off

set up like a diving board or is it like so the other yeah stop you yeah I'm gonna stop you there.

Yes, so you strat are you sort of straddling the diving board at the end and the safety harnesses are tethered to the wall.

Right, okay.

Because I can't swim.

One of you is on a sturdier end than the other of course.

Yeah.

One of you has a meal, has a plate that's on the end that, you know, it's attached to.

Yeah.

It's bad if I fall in.

Yeah.

I'd I'd have to be saved.

You can't swim?

Look at me.

Of course I can't swim.

I'm from a long line of non-swimmers.

I can't imagine you thinking.

Oh, really?

I think in the case of the Titanic, I'm the first at the bottom of the drink.

Really?

I wouldn't even try.

I'd be sucked underneath.

I wouldn't even be on a raft.

I'd just be, I'm gone.

Would you be the guy who hits the propeller on the way down when he jumps off the titan?

Yes, and it'd be

and then, yeah, it would just go completely silent and it'd be quite moving and there'd be a flute that would come in.

There'd be the flute motif.

It'd be the propeller motif on the soundtrack album.

So if you're dining on the end of a diving board.

Yeah.

Can I change this idea?

You can, but I was going to go to say, you know, if we

would need a lifeguard.

We're both hit.

Oh, a lifeguard.

And obviously, you get to put your dream lifeguard.

Hasselhoff.

It would have to be Hasselhoff.

Hasselhoff, yeah.

So in a way, the whole meal could be a montage, like in the middle of Baywatch.

So it'd be like a highlights reel of eating.

Yeah.

Or maybe you eat for a bit, and then there's a montage of a bit of the meal that you regret.

You could just montage it through and then get to put.

What music's playing over the Bay Watch montage?

I think it's something on keytar.

Yeah.

It's very hard to place the Bay Watch montage music.

Was it always the same for each montage?

I remember the theme, which was the

right.

Yeah, that was very

not a million miles away from the Garth Marengi music, I'd say.

Yes.

I'd say you could probably put one track lover on there.

You could.

I mean,

it's the keyboard with the guitar setting

is only so expressive that can be in rock.

Would you do your Dean Lerner rap?

Well, you're very kind.

I'm not saying, would you do it now?

I'm saying, would you do it at the meal?

I know that if we ask you to do your rap now, you won't do it.

Yes, okay.

But I'm saying that would you do it in the meal?

And that's a montage.

My wife suffered enough.

She's cold like ice.

Cold to the touch, and it isn't very nice.

I don't think.

I mean, quoting

alone.

It's a lot of quoting a meal with me.

I just go, remember that thing I did 20 years ago?

By the way, being friends with Nish Kumar at university was basically having to listen to him do that rap over and over again.

I can only apologise.

He has, if anyone's got a more nasal voice than me,

it's got to be NK.

It's NK-47.

Yeah.

If anything, he could do with pushing it a little bit down into the chest.

And that's coming from me.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you know about his Karthamengi obsession, don't you?

Well, he said he liked liked it, but he's been very decorous in conversations that I've had.

Yeah, he's not.

I mean,

I believe he quoted Keskala Diff to you.

Okay.

And he's told me that.

Right, yes.

He was a bit proud of himself.

I said Kesk Ladiff.

Keskeladiff.

Okay, right, yes.

Okay.

Doing Travelman with you.

I said it to him.

I said Keska La Diff to him.

I feel that I have a sense that I may have stolen that from my friend Ben Ramster, who I think said that at school.

I think he said Keska La Diff.

So Nish is actually a big Ramster fan, aren't we all?

Yeah, I mean Ramster's, he is the OG, Ramster.

He may have said Keska LaDiff.

I do like Keska Ladiff.

Pop-doms or bread.

Yes.

Pop-dums or bread, Michael Hayewari.

Pop-doves or bread.

That pop shield, I've got to say, it's such a worthwhile investment.

Pop-doms.

I've listened to,

would you call it show podcast?

What's the term?

I didn't mean that.

Often things I say things I say sound condemnatory.

I think that's because I struggle to love.

But very few people seem to choose popadoms.

Yeah, it's well either.

But it does feel bread heavy now.

And is that a love of poppadoms or a hatred of bread?

I don't hate bread.

I like butter and you know butter and poppadoms.

It's not a sufficient delivery system for butter, pop-a-dom.

No.

Have you tried it?

I've not.

Have you?

no but i want to no i do like bread but i think because i i mean i don't want to spoil the whole surprise of the the show the pod yeah and but i i will have um a curried meal so i think a poppa dom yeah makes sense and i'll always have to have all of the dips on each section of the poppa dumb oh what each so you'll get the whole poppadom

and you'll apply i will break the poppadom right into bits how do you break what's your style um i think it varies depending on frustration levels.

I think I'll just, probably I'll start with breaking it in half and then I'll crescent slices off.

Yeah.

And then I will spoon toppings onto each slice of the poppadom.

Is it a slice of a pop-adom segment?

Depends how you're breaking them.

A shard.

A chard, yeah.

I wonder what the group name for poppadoms is.

A phalanx of poppadoms.

Oh, okay, yeah.

I see.

And then I will, onions, the small onions with a small bit of.

I could do without the tomatoes in that section there.

We'll take them out.

Maybe that would be good.

Because they often seem quite warm.

Yeah.

Don't like a warm tomato.

Not in shredded onion on a poppadom.

I just, the warmth is unwelcome.

I don't know why.

Do you worry about where the warmths come from?

It's not a pressing concern.

I just, there's something about what it does to the texture of the tomato.

It feels overly soft.

Okay.

And I'm in a crisp zone, a poppadom, and then I'm getting something soft and I just feel something's gone wrong I can't I just feel it in my body is the crisp zone a new thing for the crystal maze yeah the crisp zone is where I live yeah it's uh it's actually um an extension to the new line actually uh that's just been opened the tube line did you ever do the um the crystal maze challenges did you ever go i'll have a go at that one um i sometimes would be asked to do them uh just so that I knew what was happening, just to try and get me to engage.

It was a losing battle.

Sure.

And it has been in life.

But I sometimes would play them.

Very often, though, I would read.

And that's something I like to do.

Yeah, you'd set yourself off and I do like to read

to quell anxiety.

Yes.

And also, I just, it's a good opportunity.

The Crystal Maze is a rare game show where it's actually better if the host is less engaged in what's going on.

Well, thank you.

And I try to bring my lack of engagement.

I try and bring that to everything I do.

Because I think there's a lot of accent on commitment, on getting stuck in.

And what of those of us who struggle to connect?

Where's our place in the world?

Who was the worst ever?

Crystal Mays contestant who you were like, this person is absolutely useless.

Now, here's the thing that I took away was that alpha men really struggle in that show because they will not cooperate with others.

but you have to cooperate and they're overconfident, really poor at communicating, and tend to undermine everyone else.

So they would go into some place, claim they could do it,

tune everyone else out, and then turn on everyone.

So you could probably look, I mean, you're probably already on IMDb now if you're listening to this, scrolling through past contestants.

And so I'd say the alpha men.

When an alpha man got locked in.

Yeah.

As a non-alpha man.

Yes, that's.

Did you feel great?

I didn't, you know, it's like seeing a lion outside of its natural habitat.

There's something, there's something sad about it and sometimes quite moving to see it so far away.

It should be on a racetrack

or, you know, touching down.

People race lions?

People do race them.

They race them hard and they race them long.

Or, you know, you see these people, they're outside of their usual environments.

And so there's something slightly spooky and spectral about the sight of an alpha man on a polystyrene set

having to take something that's ultimately ridiculous extremely seriously and unable to back down just unable to reverse we went and did the crystal maze in london

how was that well um i had a tantrum okay because i had bought this up because i wasn't gonna

wearing it i had to sit on a rocket and throw balls into holes yeah okay and um it was like a fucking rock yeah i understand that I had to put a jacket on with all the balls stuck on.

Yeah.

But it had not been up, it had not been looked after the jacket, so the Velcro didn't probably say all the balls fell off.

So, obviously, I complained about it.

Anyone, what is this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No one's taking this seriously.

How alpha would you say you are?

Are you closer to alpha?

You seem like you may have some alpha, maybe some alpha tendencies.

Yeah, some alpha.

In that, I did, I definitely, everything you said about alpha males in the crystal maze there, I thought that's what happened when I did it.

When I did rank, in context,

Ed is an alpha.

You're a site-specific alpha.

Yes,

the group was Ed, myself, and Nish, and our partners.

Okay.

In the context, Ed was

Mufasa.

Yes, okay.

You were the father.

Yeah, but amongst true alphas, absolutely not.

Okay, great.

But also our guide, our companion, was...

The master, the maze master, the maze master

coincidentally was someone that we knew.

Okay.

A comedian.

And so Ed throwing the tantrum was doubly bad.

That's because.

Okay.

And did you level charges?

I didn't level charge you.

What kind of three

circus are you you running here?

Kind of.

A bit, yeah.

He hit the Bronco.

Okay.

You hit it?

He hit it with his fist.

Okay.

I was trying to stop it.

Okay.

Also, the friend that was doing the guide, we hadn't seen in a long time, in years.

Yeah.

And he was trying to stay in character.

Obviously,

he didn't see it was us until he walks into the room to brief us.

Of course.

So he walked in, saw it was us, had to make a split-second decision.

I'm staying character.

Do I go, oh, all right, guys, or do I go, oh, welcome!

But yes, remember that?

okay.

And then when he was doing that,

so then he takes us to the, I think he thought, I know these guys, I'm going to give them the fun ones.

Yes.

Or I know these guys, I'll give them ones where maintenance has not been in for a few months.

And was there the feeling of, what has Ed become?

Well, yeah, there was a moment in the last three years.

Yeah, there was a moment.

The podcast has absolutely taken off.

He's rocketed to the top.

His punching buck and broncos.

Yeah.

It was more of a slap.

Yeah, it's more of a slap.

Palmed.

You see, I imagine a spring coming out and there's smoke coming out of this broncho.

I imagine this broncho is pummeled.

But the guy, the poor.

I think you've punched from the shoulder, like one of those ones where you twist it.

And that broncho's big hole in the broncho.

Yeah, they've got to change that game.

That's why they really won't.

I'm telling you, keeping their maintenance record.

Episode of the Bronco hitting it.

And he goes, you know, huh?

And he went, Ball's on, stick it to the jet like that.

And then the guy, the guy who we knew was trying to stay in cavity.

went oh you have to persist or whatever and I was like shut up Richard.

No, I didn't say that.

I didn't say shut up.

Okay,

he definitely made it more difficult.

That's a low moment.

But it was like

anyway didn't get the crystal.

No, it did get you did.

Yeah, you got it.

Yeah, you got the crystal a little bit.

We all had to go, well done, you got it, you got it.

Because it's happened to me a couple of times in my life where I've thrown a big tantrum about something and then still get the thing that I was throwing a tantrum about, which is the worst feeling.

Yes.

How good are you at reversing out of a tantrum and repairing the damage after a tantrum?

Quite bad, I'd say.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I think the joy of the tantrum is never apologizing.

Because in a way, they caused it.

Yeah.

In a way, they should apologise to you for making you have a tantrum.

That's the whole point.

What would you have done if I'd done that on the TV show?

I think I just would have opened the book and started reading.

I think it'd it'd be fine because everyone else is sort of dealing with you

on your team.

You wouldn't really be allowed to have a tantrum.

Because the team would bring me back down.

It's very different being witnessed, isn't it?

Yeah.

As soon as you're recorded.

So red, have a complete, proper meltdown recorded.

It's always somewhat Brechtian.

I know it's coming up.

Well, the other times I was mentioning were all on Taskmaster.

Okay.

But were they really...

Well, you must have been aware.

You didn't stop thinking you were being filmed.

it worked.

Well, I think it was the last episode of the series.

I thought someone else was going to get points, even though they didn't do the task properly and I did the task properly.

And then I got really angry and then there was a fly in the studio and I killed the fly.

Okay.

You just care about justice, really.

And my wife said that's the only time you've been yourself on television.

Okay, that's good.

Wow.

I've actually stored that up for an argument.

Yeah, that's it.

And at least that on him, that's brilliant.

Why didn't you just be like you were on Dark Master?

The real you.

My wife said said a good one, which I was in a film with Vince Vaughan and Ben Stiller and Jonah.

The watch.

And

she said it looked like I'd won a competition to be in a film with movie stars.

Let's start your proper meal.

We have a dream starter.

Yes.

I struggle with starters.

I will often avoid one.

Now, this is controversial.

I love it when this happens.

Now, yes, this sounds very showbiz, but we once had a meal together with Nish with NK

and I think you ordered all-starters.

I did order all-starters.

I obviously didn't tell it because it would give him the satisfaction.

It's a starter boy.

He loves it.

Yeah, but we're at Artuzi, which is a very nice Italian place.

And all of the small plates just sounded delicious.

So I was like, I'm going to do it.

I'm going to have three or four of them.

That's a big move.

It's very grown up.

Thank you.

Yeah, it is.

Thank you, Ed.

It was terribly sophisticated.

Whereas I struggle with starters.

Originally, just through tightness I just go well why are we you know when I say we I always refer to me as we why why are we having a starter when we can just fill up on a stodgy main there's no point sure so I wonder whether I might have popcorn for my starter

great it's light it's very hard to be unhappy eating popcorn I've tried yeah

but it's it's just too silly an action to be truly sad.

So you don't want to be full.

And I think popcorn popcorn on the edge of the diving board, Hasselhoffs across the way, I'm feeling safe.

Yeah.

And I think a little sweet and salty.

I have a mixture, sweet and salty.

How do you ask for them to be put into the bucket?

In one, then one, then, one, then one.

Thank you.

A bit like sedimentary rock.

Yes.

I want layers.

But I think I want the final, the top layer to be salt.

Okay.

Yeah.

And the bottom layer to be sweet.

Because that's putting.

It's almost like a whole meal in itself.

Doing like a proper meal.

And do you have have that sort of chemical memory where if you eat popcorn outside of the cinema, it still puts you in the mode of being in the cinema?

I eat so much popcorn that I more associate other things with eating popcorn.

Do you really?

I eat a lot of popcorn.

There's very good popcorn outlets near where we live.

It's you know in the drum outside, big bag.

I'm down to a bag a week.

A big bag.

Like, there were times when it was a couple of bags a week.

Wow.

Yeah.

And that's £10 a week on popcorn.

And that's too much.

That's insane, though.

Please, they deserve every penny they make.

Now, popcorn is first class.

It's first-class popcorn.

Yeah.

This is exciting.

They're underselling that popcorn, if anything.

I would, I'd do it by direct debit if they offered it.

Have you always loved popcorn?

This is great.

Everyone knows that you love film.

I do.

I do love popcorn.

Actually, apart from inner cinema.

Oh, really?

Yeah, you can't.

Sure.

I, because my favourite cinema is the BFI.

Well, I still think of it as the NFT, despite the fungible tokens or whatever.

And I have heard someone be reproached for opening a sparkling water.

Wow.

And there was a shh.

And there was such ferocity in the shh.

Which is too similar a noise to what's just happening.

Exactly.

It just sounded like, I'm going to open my water now.

To sound the journey depression of the water.

Yeah, exactly.

So in a way, I find someone eating popcorn in a cinema, I find that quite stressful.

And so if I see that people are eating popcorn in a cinema, I sometimes will have to get popcorn so that I can be in charge of the sounds.

Maybe I'll

be able to get a PFI to watch films because I absolutely fucking hate the cinema now.

Well,

everyone's doing what they want.

It's noisy.

People have

Zoom calls.

But

when are you going and where are you going?

Yeah, where are you going?

I'll just go anywhere.

Just wherever the nearest one is.

I'll pop along and they're all there.

Okay, they're sitting on their phones, lighting their faces up.

Midweek afternoon, that's it.

I went once to

a screen in the parasite before it had come out proper.

Yes.

There's a Q ⁇ A afterwards with a director.

Yes.

Next to me was a lady who was on her phone for most of it.

Stop it.

And then when there was the Q ⁇ A, talking about trying to make class and stuff like that, she was like agreeing really vocally with him as if like...

She'd watched it.

As if she'd watched the film.

She'd been there in a big fur coat, very posh lady.

Was she reviewing it potentially?

No way.

She was because I i looked over at one point she goes what's happening mate oh i'm chatting that is outrageous behavior what do you think of the new trendy popcorns your joe's joseph's no no no i don't want toffee on a popcorn it makes it wet any and i don't like the yeah i can't even no cheese pop no no cheese popcorn no no no no no no no what about when it's just like a fun colour when they put make it like fluorescent no i can't i can't cope with anything

other than straight up popcorn i don't like any fun colours.

Yes,

I just don't, I'm not that keen on decorative food.

I find it quite stressful.

I just feel the effort.

And I feel, you know, it's enforced fun is not good, as you found in the Crystal Maze.

Yes.

Do you pop your own corn?

I hope that's not a euphemism.

I have.

In microwave popcorn in the early,

well, probably I'm creeping to senescence, but I remember microwave popcorn coming out and that being a terrifically exciting prospect that you could put it, a lot of fires, often blackened popcorn, would result from overcooking it.

And in a way, that was more, it was more exciting just to set the popcorn on fire and then dispose of it.

That was almost the best interaction you could have.

But it was never quite good.

The heat was pleasant, but there would be some ones that would be molten, hot, and kernels.

The kernels, yeah.

And I'd always find it depressing that some of the kernels didn't pop.

You felt like you'd failed.

And then you crunch on a one too hard and it's off to Danny Glover in the morning.

Yeah, and then you spiral down

before you know it, yeah, the crystal maze, and you're having a panic attack.

Also, the pops, so it's like done in the microwave.

Yes.

And the instructions are when it gets down to this many seconds between pops, then let it out.

From there, count in the seconds between the pops.

And I think, I don't know, if any food's worth this.

It's a lot like giving birth, isn't it?

You've got to just count those contractions and i think mothers listening to this will will appreciate the comparison yeah sometimes

it's almost as stressful waiting for those yeah those final seconds you don't want to leave it to yeah you don't want to char them but you don't you don't want a bag full of uh unpopped corn before we move on to the main and i know you're going to say that like this but chocolate covered popcorn oh no why i just know you'd have a bar my mum had a chocolate shop what

yes that's right yeah lucky she wasn't my mum because

had a chocolate shop in woodbridge les chocolate belges wow that's what it was called i love that yes went to went to belgium to get chocolate it was quite a fancy chocolate shop it sounds it i and i um spent every day after school in the chocolate shop hence my love of air conditioning

because it had to be kept cool because chocolates didn't have preservatives yeah

and i packed up boxes of chocolates to the extent that i would rebel by buying Cadbury's, which my mum would find unbelievable.

Why would you buy Cadbury's mini egg when, you know, you've got high quality Belgian chocolate chocolate?

Often it's too rich.

Sure.

But that's a...

Yeah, so you can't knock them back, can you?

No, you can't slam a load of violet creams without having to pay the consequences.

What a way to rebel.

Yeah.

Bought some mini eggs, mum.

Yeah, bad luck.

Just, yeah, just had a curly whirlie.

Quality Belgian chocolate.

That's exciting.

Yeah, that is really exciting.

I mean,

was there like a star of the show at the Belgian chocolate shop pralines were the workhorse I'd say of the entire shop chocolate pralene yeah Easter is a big that's a big time in the chocolate trade

that's really that's Christmas yeah Easter's Christmas Christmas is Christmas is Easter kind of like Easter Christmas is still Christmas but Easter's like Christmas plus

So yes, Easter was a very tense time.

And every year my mum would always say, I think I've bought too many chocolates.

She always had a pattern.

She's like, I bought far too many chocolates.

And at the end, she'd go, I should have bought more chocolates.

I always found it quite a disturbing pattern.

Would she go over and get them herself and bring them back?

It was more sort of sourcing, tasting, seeing the developments, what was new on the chocolate scene.

Well, she was.

She should go with her.

She said.

Did you ever go to Belgium with her?

I didn't.

No, I was too young.

I'm still too young to go to Belgium.

I think you really need to be mature to get to Belgium.

One day.

Yeah.

Did your friends get excited that you had a chocolate shop?

It's just, you know, it's not children's chocolate, Belgian chocolate.

It's just quite, it just feels sort of fussy.

It was quite old-fashioned.

It was sort of, I'd say the mean age of customer was 60.

It was a lot of sort of treats at the end of the week.

And expensive, right?

It's what I'm saying.

Quite expensive.

You're sold by weight, yes.

When you're a kid, you don't want to, like, even, I wasn't even going into like Thornton's.

No.

You just want to.

It's safety number going go into Thornton's it looks like a gift shop it looks like adult business in there

I've got so many it's pre-breakfast it's almost like a charcuterie of chocolates yes I've got so many questions it's pre-breakfast

because if

one of my friends at school yeah had a chocolate shop yeah yeah man I'd have been there all the time well so would your dad so my dad my dad would be like

chocolate shop I don't mind yeah of course he would no it wasn't I never really saw children come in and was this like pre-salt chocolate and stuff?

Oh, yes, this wasn't all of that kind of business and I have to say that the the chocolates well I don't have to say I'm choosing to say let's have some autonomy.

I'm choosing to say that the chocolates were excellent.

Yeah.

So much so that I can't really eat any chocolate now without having a slight snobby

reaction.

I'm just going, it's fine.

It's the closest I'll get to be a sommelier.

I can, I do have quite a refined chocolate palate.

I'm jealous, man.

Yeah.

this is great.

Excellent milk chocolate.

Very hard to do milk chocolate without it having a sort of chemically

aftertaste.

It's got to be fresh.

You can't have preservatives.

Unless you're buying chocolate from a refrigerated outlet, forget it.

Forget it.

Okay, it's like UHT milk.

Yeah.

That's basically what you're dealing with.

So let me say that.

If people take anything away from today,

I hope it's that.

Your dream main course.

Lamadrasse.

Very good.

We knew we were going to Currytown.

From Gandhi's in Kennington.

Gandhi's restaurant in Kennington.

There it is.

Excellent restaurant.

Yeah.

How often do you have it at Gandhi's?

As often as I can.

There are times when it would be twice a week.

Sometimes everything's excellent.

I always have the exact same meal.

Lama Drasse.

Lama Drasse, Pilai rice, half an onion barji, brin jal, bindi baji, pechwarinan, three popadons with all the dips.

It's bindi baji, okra.

Okra.

That's my side dish.

Sorry to skip ahead.

No, please.

It all goes so well together.

It is.

We may as well talk about that.

Every time I've had that

for 20 years.

For 20 years.

20 years, that's the same order.

Did you say half an onion baji?

Half an onion baji because it's two onion bajis.

Wife, Lydia, does not like onion baji, so I'll have a half.

I don't want to.

I can't have two onion bajis.

That's madness.

I'm ordering two onion bajis.

No, it's a portion of onion bajis.

There's normally two.

You have one onion barjee.

I'm having one.

But if you order an onion barge portion from Gandhi's, it's two discs of onion barjee.

I only want one.

Yeah.

So you're really having one onion barge.

I'm having one onion bargee, but within the portion system of Gandhi's,

an onion barja is two onion barge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's how they do it.

That's how they deal.

Is that the same with the bint with the bindi bhaji?

No, I'll have a full bindy because I'll share that.

Love bowl.

Yep.

I love okra.

Here's the thing.

Okra.

Have you ever had okra soup?

No.

Okay, so the one meal my dad would ever make was, oh, sorry, I just broke a glass.

I just, this fucking Bronco stopped working.

My dad, whenever he had a tantrum, actually,

he would make this one, which he called pepper soup, because he would just go, I'm feeding myself now.

That was part of his tantrum.

And this would last a week.

So pepper soup is, I can't believe I'm giving, I'm basically giving away the keys to the kingdom.

This is one of the best meals that you ever have.

Okay, tinned tomatoes, an onion, chili peppers, olive oil, salt in a blender.

You put that in a pot.

You brown some meat.

It doesn't matter what meat.

You could do it with the chicken, you could do it with otsell, which I like, or you could do it with beef.

Then you pour the pepper soup, as it's termed, over that meat.

You can put a tomato puree as well if you like it more tomatoey.

You cook that for a long time.

That's pepper soup.

With that, you have okra.

So you take the okra, you chop it very finely in discs.

You boil that in water.

I don't know why it's funny, but for whatever reason.

You boil that in water, and that's it with some salt.

It's excellent and it becomes slightly slimy.

See, I like that.

People that get so creeped out by okra going, oh, it's slimy, it's slimy clay.

Yeah.

The slime's good.

Nice, yeah.

It really is a good way of sorting the chaff from the wheat.

Yeah.

Like people who are upset if you bump into them.

I find that's the best way to determine whether someone's the person or not people who bump into you and are angry

that's a level of optimism I can't cope with I just hope that they've never bump into anyone in their lives yeah and now it's happened they just can't believe it also whenever people bump into each other it's by each person's fault yeah yeah unless someone's deliberately going around bumping yeah unless you're Richard Ashcroft yeah in which case you should get

trying to sort the wheat from the chaff he's he literally is a side

yeah that's what it is he's He's a combine harvester.

I would like to see Richard Ashcroft cover, I've got a brand new combine harvester, but do the same thing, but on a combine harvester.

In spite of people just being mown down

in the threshing.

Wheels?

I'd love to sound a pepper soup.

I love that that was your dad's way of throwing a tantrum.

So cooking a soup.

And some oxo.

This is why I've not got a cooking.

I'd forget several of the ingredients.

Oh, I forgot the main screen.

What's the next episode?

Yeah.

The ingredients that you should have said the week before.

I mean, sorry.

If you had a cooking show, it'd be the only one where people go, you've got to stick around for the post-credits scene.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, and salmon.

And salmon.

Sorry.

We've just done the sauce.

It's a Marvel film.

You ever son of Gandhi's?

Yes.

Ever see Ben Kingsley in there?

I recently did a film with Sir Ben.

Wow.

He was extraordinary.

Amazing.

Eyes.

Incredible.

Yeah.

Some people just have this incredible presence.

But I wish he were a fixture of Gandhi's.

But yeah, he is incredible.

You should take him one day.

I should.

How do you reckon that would go down in?

No.

Well, I mean, imagine.

Imagine if you have a restaurant, say you have Ed's burgers and you came in.

Yeah.

They go are titular.

Yeah, because they were.

This is wheels within wheels.

What's going on here?

Yes, it must be whenever Art Garfunkel goes into Garfunkel.

I guess like you can't get a suit from Moscross.

I can't.

I can't and I'd love to.

And it's one of, I have to swallow that hurt every day.

Yeah.

You can't go into Moscow.

No, you can't.

You can't.

Moss is there.

Exactly.

Luckily, I think it's not well known enough that I could still go into Moscow.

You would have baffed it for that.

Oh, please.

I think...

If there was a shop called The Guy from the IT Kraut, I think that would be harder.

Yeah.

Because I think that's generally the moniker applied.

So PC World is maybe awful PC world, of course, yes.

Hard of you to go into.

You drezl if you went into a shop called the guy from the IT crowd and they all went, oh, we didn't mean you.

Yeah, yeah, we meant

Chris.

We meant the one who could act.

Yeah, we meant that one.

Did that character know he was funny?

No.

No, no.

I don't think that character massively enjoyed humour at times or found very specific things funny.

There was one person who I knew who I vaguely had in mind before that show and that person would say that's funny

instead of laughing just go that's funny

and then go

and then move on which I quite liked there was something quite a it was good level of approbation to it yeah yeah Gandhi best picture winner yeah yes it was and best actor best actor for Saban

and Best Curry House Curry House as well they've another award

yeah yeah right you get the awards I wonder whether hmm when was Gandhi's restaurant open?

I think maybe just before the film.

Maybe in 1982, I'm thinking.

Going there before, so it probably did get there with the year.

Was Gandhi's 84?

Or maybe it was earlier?

Wow.

You literally know when the restaurant opened.

That's how much you know.

Yeah, just in case Benita has to himself.

I mean, we're definitely talking post-1970, where

it was Gandhi the film.

Wow.

Okay.

Wow, wow.

Here's what's happened.

Wow, okay.

Firstly, I just want to say incredible that you knew what year Gandhi's restaurant was open.

Of course.

I mean, why wouldn't wouldn't I?

I mean, it's such an insult for me not to know the origin story of Gandhi's.

And Gandhi won the Oscar the same year Gandhi's was open.

Yes, exactly.

My other favourite restaurant is, of course, Charip Sapphire.

Another curry house?

Yeah, it's all spicy for me.

Yeah, it's all flash-fried stuff.

They do it at your table.

From a chariot.

Also has a picture winner.

Yeah.

But I'm allergic to horses.

It's not as old as people think it is, Charips of Fire.

But also post-94.

Yeah, I think Charita Fine must be 84.

I think that's why they did the whole British Are Coming thing, because there have been a couple of British winners.

I keep saying post-94 because

it's going to get under Benito's skin.

Me knowing that.

Do you want to know how, Benito's?

Because I can name all the Oscar best picture winners from 1970 onwards.

Can you?

He knows it's boring.

He says it's boring, Benito says.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you know all of them in order?

No.

Okay.

No, I just got all of them randomly.

I could name them all.

Why would you not learn them in order?

That's too hard.

What won in 1970?

Pattern or platoon?

I can't remember which.

It definitely wasn't platoon because that was 86.

Pattern.

It must have been Pattern.

No, you really did not learn the order.

Pattern, then French Connection.

Then

French Connection.

Godfather.

Something in between, then Godfather Part 2.

Godfather, my favourite Italian restaurant.

Very good.

Yeah.

Yep.

Very good.

Get it back on track.

Yep, yep, that's good.

I'm going to go to Gandhi's.

Yeah.

I'm worried you might have blown me the spot, though.

I was worried.

I did weigh it before I mentioned them.

Because Tim Key came on and refused to name his favourite curry house.

He wouldn't do it.

He's very canny, isn't he?

He would not do it.

Here's my question for you, Ed, when you go to Gandhi's.

Yeah.

Your portion of onion bargee?

What are you going to do the whole thing?

Double portion?

Are you going to get double?

No.

Two discs?

I'm going to have the one disc.

I'm doing the full IOID.

And that's what I'm saying when I go in as well.

I'd be interested.

I mean, I would...

I mean, perhaps they could name a half-onion barge after me, like they do in Hollywood restaurants, where a sandwich is named after you.

That's fine.

That would be nice.

If it's a disc of onion.

If you have a dish named after you and it's just less of a normal dish.

Yeah, it's like the same thing, but a really mean portion.

The rooney.

Half a portion.

Yeah.

Maybe just any half portion

could be there.

Can I get that richer Iowa?

Yeah, can I have that?

Can you half the price for that because

of structural problems psychologically?

They should offer that in restaurants.

Can I half size that?

Because it's too much.

Half a burger.

They've got to say.

Yeah.

They'd have to use my...

and would I get a cut half

I'd get the other half they'd just post the other half of the food to me that's what it is yeah they save they save the rest of it for you so I know what everyone else is eating by the food trucks that came up

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