Ep 166: Paul Chowdhry

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast.

Taking the raspberries of conversation, the jam-sugar of humor, mixing them all up together in a pan, mashing them down with a fork, turning on the heat of the internet, and creating the jam of the off-menu off-menu podcast

not your best book because no it was jam sugar kind of let us know where it was going yeah but you can't use normal sugar for it i think you have to have a specific jam sugar certainly when i did bake off that that was the case to be fair i didn't know that and uh yeah that's quite a nice little detail that i didn't know i'm kind of away learning something now that there's such a thing as jam sugar well i'd imagine i'll get a message saying you can use normal sugars because but we we had to use a special special source of sugar but jam sugars now going to be one of my catchphrases too yeah it's going to be like i just jump into any situation that's like really, really jumping, like a party or something.

I'll just jump in from nowhere and go, jam sugar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'll go, apple steak, apple steak, apple steak and jam sugar here, aka Ed Gamble and James A Caster.

This is the off-menu podcast.

We own a dream restaurant.

We're inviting a guest in and we ask them their favourite ever: start a main course, dessert, side dish, and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week, our guest is

Paul Chowdhury.

A maniac.

Paul Chowdhury, as we all know, a fantastic comedian.

He's been on Taskmaster, one of probably the all-time great Taskmaster contestants, in my opinion.

One of my favourites ever.

Yes, one of mine too.

Tours the country, sells out venues with his stand-up.

Wembley.

Did Wembley.

Did Wembley.

And just an unpredictable.

and unique fella.

I don't know what's going to happen today.

He also, of course, does a podcast of his own called The Podcast.

Yep, I went on that.

I went on that too.

Had a very frank conversation with him and enjoyed it quite a lot.

Yeah.

That's why I'm quite looking forward to having him on the pod.

And that's why, you know, quite happy calling him a maniac before it starts because I know it's impossible to really rattle this guy.

We say he's unpredictable.

Here's something that I think will happen.

I'm willing to put £50 on it now.

He will, within the first 20 minutes, do an impression of me, which is like this.

You'll say, oh, you're all like, hey, guys.

And he calls me a hey guys comedian because I say hey guys to the audience and and i like i ask the audience if they're all right yeah yeah yeah that's very that's got you there also just to let people know we are recording this before paul comes in i know a lot of people think we do it all afterwards no right we have not interviewed paul yet that is a genuine prediction from it yes so we will see what happens there i also think at one point he will say something uh that is deliberately referencing something that we have no idea what it is and he knows that yeah then he'll just stare us down until we have to ask him further questions yes exactly also we can't predict what he's going to say which makes the secret ingredient ingredient even more exciting.

Very difficult.

Secret ingredient, obviously, is usually an ingredient that we don't like, so we'll kick people out of the dream restaurant and then get any dinner if they pick it.

And this week, the secret ingredient is flat seed.

What is it?

I don't like it.

It's powdery.

It's weird.

I don't really think it adds much in terms of flavour.

Where does it go?

What do you put it on?

Yoghurt?

I think people dump it in their yogurts.

Yeah.

But like, I don't know.

I guess it's probably got some superfood quality I don't know about, but like Paul's very healthy as well.

Paul's like ripped.

He's ripped.

He's a healthy man.

He's ripper armoured.

He's ripper armoured, banana pajamoud.

He's apple steaked.

He's like the human embodiment of apple steak.

Yeah, he really is.

Yeah, so maybe he does eat a bit of flaxseed and that gives him that apple steak body.

Yeah, so we'll find out.

But if he if he mentions his flax seed that he has in the morning to give him his apple steak,

we're going to kick him out.

We're going to kick him out.

And I don't think he'll care.

No, I don't think he'll care.

Also, I'd imagine he has no idea what this podcast is.

No, I'd imagine he's not prepared for it in any way.

No, his memory prediction.

Every time we ask him his dream, one, he'll respond like he's in a genuine restaurant.

Yeah, and he'll go, oh,

what can I get?

Because he won't have thought about any of it in advance.

Even if he has thought about it in advance, he'll probably think, no, no, that's silly to do that.

And then he'll get rid of that and just come in and wing it.

And at some point, he's going to do an impression of what he considers a white man to sound like and use the name Dave.

Yeah, he'll do that.

And also, at one point, he'll call me Jamie for a joke because it amuses him to call me Jamie.

And that amuses me as well.

It is funny to do that.

I mean, there's a lot of stuff that's going to happen that I'm very excited about.

Have you spoken to him about the time he introduced you on stage?

Yes, I spoke to him when I was on his podcast.

I talked to him about the fact that once when I was starting out as a stand-up, he introduced me on stage at a charity giggles at the comedy store in the following way: Please welcome to the stage my main man, James Alabasta.

And then I walked on stage to that.

One of my favourite stories.

Yep, so

obviously he doesn't remember it.

That's gonna be fun.

We'll find out.

This is the off-menu menu of Paul Chowgy.

Welcome, Paul, to the Dream Restaurant.

Welcome, Paul Chowgy, to the Dream Restaurant.

I've been expecting you for some time.

It's been a long time coming, this, and I've got to say, what an honor it is for you to have me on this

podcast today.

What an honor.

We're over the moon to have you on the podcast, Paul.

Of course we are.

When you say it's been a long time coming, how long have you been waiting to come into the dream restaurant?

Well, this thing's been going for, what, 20 years?

Around 20 years.

2018, we started, so around 20 years, yeah.

Yeah, so a lot of people are.

At the time your episode goes out.

Yeah.

You're just stacking them up in the library waiting for the release.

That's what I do with my podcasts.

Yeah.

Like Prince.

We record a lot and we put them all in the vault.

More Tupac.

Yeah, yeah.

Also Tupac.

Also, 26, he

25, he had 55 albums in the vault.

Wow.

Something like that.

It's almost like he knew.

Suge Night knew.

Sug Night.

The manager knew.

Yeah.

I always knew we'd get into deep rap conspiracy theories.

Straight in the talk.

This is the fastest in any podcast episode we've done that we've talked about Suge Night.

This is very early on for the Sug Night chat.

I knew this was a very gangster podcast with you two guys.

It really is, yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you.

You, of course, do your own podcast, Paul, the podcast podcast, yeah, which we've both been on.

Oh, what an honor it was

to have you on the podcast.

It was an honour.

You were both very exquisite guests.

Thank you very much.

And your contribution to the podcast has never been forgotten.

Thank you.

Cheers, Paul.

Glad to hear that.

Did all your listeners go crazy for it?

James has been on it.

Yeah.

And who's this guy?

Edgar Gamble's been on it.

I've been on it as well.

I enjoy doing it very much.

People of your level of success.

And this was before you did the advert.

Yeah, before I did the advert.

You got me before I went mainstream.

I got you before you were a sellout.

Yeah.

I haven't told you this.

Go on.

I was walking down the street, and someone shouted Kazoo, yeah, you can at me.

Are you?

Yeah.

What did you say?

I just ignored.

I kind of just laughed.

Yeah.

I looked around and I laughed because there's someone looking at me really pleased with themselves, but I just laughed and gave him the thumbs up and kept on walking.

But I think they thought that that's me on the adverts.

You should have Sugnighted him.

I should have Sugnighted him.

Yeah.

I mean, he's not exactly a role model for me, Sugnite.

His name's Sug.

Sug.

Short for Sugar.

I love Sugar.

Yeah, but

if it's short for Sugar, fair enough.

Have you got favourite types of Sugar, Paul?

Sping up.

Food podcast.

Yeah,

are you a sugar boy?

No, I've...

given up sugar years ago.

Yeah, yeah.

A few years ago.

Years ago.

Years ago.

Because we should say you're in pretty good nick, Paul.

You're a a healthy boy.

This is obviously a food podcast, so we're interested to hear what you're going to say about food because

you're pretty ripper-armed, right?

Now, I remember we having this conversation on my podcast about you were previously a bigger boy, a little fat boy.

I don't want to use the term

fat bastard.

I'd have liked it.

I don't want to use the term.

Yeah, okay, sorry.

But I am a self-confessed previous fat bastard.

Yeah, and then you came up with this.

And we talked about this.

You came up with this whole premise that you used to have diabetes to sell.

That's good premise.

I'm still diabetic.

I am diabetic, but no, but you use that so you can do the fat bastard jokes.

Yeah.

I don't think I said that.

Huh?

He uses it.

He uses it.

I couldn't listen to the episode.

I don't know what's true.

No, but you know people who use, so they come up with conditions and then they can joke about those people.

What are other examples of comedians who have done that?

Eddie Murphy doing jokes about African Americans.

So you can only get away with it.

But because he made up because he...

But he made up he was African-American.

Okay, yeah.

Whereas the same thing was Ed Gamble.

He gets away with doing jokes about ethnic minorities because he pretends to be ethnic minority.

How did we get there?

Diabetes is an ethnic minority.

Oh, right, okay.

Yeah, is that like Paul?

I don't want to misquote you here.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So Ed makes out that he's from the diabetic community, so he can make jokes about diabetes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And actually talk kind of stuff, man.

No, I'm sorry.

I put my hands up and I say, I'm sorry.

Shouldn't do that sort of stuff.

I'm happy for that message to go out.

When you were on Taskmaster, you had to sweat at one point.

Oh, yeah.

And you exercised a lot and you really showed them how healthy and fit you were on that.

Which I did on the way here today as well.

You said we exercised on the way here.

What did you do?

I ran from the tube station.

Did you?

Why were you late then?

Well, because I was running.

I thought you drove it.

Should have been on time.

Oh, yeah, I was going to drive.

Come on.

And then I decided to take the tube.

I thought it would be quicker on the tube.

And the tube was packed.

Yeah.

Packed in that shithole.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The horrific scenes on the tube from when I got here.

And then my manager's assistant told me it was like 0.2 miles away.

So there's a six-minute walk, and it's actually half a mile

from the tube station, which is like a 40-minute run.

Well, that's not a 40-minute man.

40-minute walk.

You ran in the wrong direction, and then you had to run around again, and people were just watching you run around London

like a madman.

And then I was outside and I had to contact Ben, the producer.

So I was standing on the street corner for half an hour.

Yeah, I think he can verify that.

Yeah, he can verify that.

But yeah, everything else, I mean, pretty much, Paul, when it comes to your life, I only believe the stuff that I was there for and I went to see.

Everything else, there's no way I'm believing it.

But I'm looking forward to drilling down into your food choices and

your food likes and dislikes, Paul, because the only time really I've seen you eat, we were in Montreal together once and we were at a fancy Montreal industry party.

It was a comedy industry party.

And there were some canopés being passed around and everyone was getting on with the canopies.

And then you went, No, I'm not having any of this.

And you said something, you lent over to one of the wait staff, and they went look confused and then walked off.

About five minutes later, they brought you over a full plate of avocado on toast.

Really?

It was at a party, everyone else was having canopes, and you somehow ordered a full plate of avocado.

This is another thing, though.

He'll always pretend that he doesn't remember.

He always pretends he doesn't remember the stories about himself.

Everyone always brings up stories about you to you, and you always go, Oh, I've got to remember it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I was in Montreal,

Yeah, the Comedy Festival.

The Comedy Festival.

We did the Britcom lineup together.

It was me, you, Nish, Sarah Pascoe.

You don't remember this?

Are they comics as well?

Yeah, they're all comics, Paul.

Yeah.

I headlined it, didn't I?

No, Nish did.

No, Nish was comparing it.

No, Nish headlined it.

Nish headlined it.

I'm just seeing what I can get.

How could Nish headline it if I'm on the bill?

How could you can't even say that as a joke to listeners?

Yeah, see, I was trying to see what you would remember and what you would remember.

You did headline it, Paul, annoyingly.

Yeah, you did headline it.

We always start with still a sparkling water, Paul.

Do you have a preference?

Well,

you know my answer to this question, don't you?

No, no, no, that's why we were asking.

What I would say to the waiter when they offered me still the sparkling.

We do actually know because Greg Davis told us.

Oh, okay.

Do you remember this?

I don't quite remember this, no.

Well, I didn't remember this until I was reminded by listeners of this podcast

as to my answer.

And my answer to that is,

what would you recommend?

That's good.

Because it depends on

the waiter, isn't it?

You really need to start with that kind of relationship.

Set your persona up from the beginning.

Yeah.

Of course.

So they know what they're dealing with.

Well, like you've yeah, like you've done from the beginning of your career, you've set your persona and you refuse to budge from it.

But that's me though, isn't it?

You say I'm a natural.

I don't put on the act like you need.

That's the debate.

That's the debate that rages through the comedy circuit and has done for about 15 to 20 years.

You and Andy Kaufman.

Yeah.

How much of this is the meal then?

I don't know.

I don't know.

So you say, what do you recommend so you can get to know the waiter better?

Yeah, and also, yeah, it sets up the waiter then you break them down a little bit.

Oh, interesting.

I break them down.

What do you mean?

You know, emotionally.

Uh-huh.

Mentally.

Yep.

And then they're more relaxed.

in the scenario.

You loosen them up.

So you're breaking them down to be more relaxed.

You're friendly with them, you know?

Right, okay.

What do you say?

Still, mate.

No,

I didn't want to be asked.

Whereas I'm nice to them.

Yeah.

I'm diabetic.

You don't even ask that question.

You know, I don't.

Because of water.

Because of water.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

What do you recommend?

Because that's a question, isn't it?

At a restaurant.

What do you recommend?

Yeah, but not normally with the water.

I always open with my best material.

So that's the best line at a restaurant

is what would you recommend?

But it doesn't work for that bit of the...

you don't open with everything you might say in a restaurant when it comes to the story.

Oh, don't go, I'll have it cooked medium rare, please.

It has to relate to the specific always open with your closer when you're doing new stuff.

Oh, yeah, you know, that's that's the logic, isn't it?

You open with your old stuff.

Yeah, so then

you've got to get better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that, what would you recommend normally came at the main course?

Yeah.

I started with it at the water, so it could only go up.

Why not just go in and pay the bill?

You gotta build on it and get better.

That makes sense.

Yeah, pay the bill as soon as you go in.

Yeah, tip them.

Well, some restaurants do that.

Some do say you've got to pay before we bring the food out.

Yeah.

I went to one shithole yesterday

and they said that.

They said, I've got to pay for it.

And also, maybe because it's a bad area and people then eat and then do a runner.

Do a Dune and Dash.

What was this restaurant you went to yesterday?

It was some Shisha lounge.

Right.

Did you partake in the Shisha?

I didn't do Shisha.

No?

No?

No.

Too much sugar in it?

Too much sugar in it.

And it's basically smoking, isn't it?

Is it?

Without a filter.

Yeah, yeah.

But you guys smoke a lot of weed and shit, but I gave all that stuff.

Yeah, of course, yeah, yeah.

What did you have at the Shisha Lounge then, if you weren't doing any Shisha?

I had um corn.

What?

You what?

Corn.

Corn?

Just corn.

Yeah.

You smoked it?

No, I ate it.

Like sweet corn?

Yeah, sweet corn.

Like a bowl of sweet corn?

Yeah.

Switch to a shisha lounge and just ordered a bowl of sweet corn.

And they made you pay for it first.

It was like £8 for that.

Straight in.

Hello.

We assume you'd be wanting the shisha pipe.

No.

Oh, just like a bowl of corn.

You're going to have to pay for that first.

This place is shithole.

Anything?

Do you have anything else?

I've got mogo, which is like a vegetable.

Yeah.

And,

oh, chart.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Nice.

Lovely.

Alubapari chart.

Yeah.

Are you veggie or vegan at this point?

I don't tend to eat meat in shitholes.

Right.

That's a good rule, I think.

Because you don't know where that meat has been and it's been pumped with steroids.

Yeah.

It's like you just come out of the gym and then you're eating this chicken.

I tend not to,

unless I know what the chicken's been through in its life

and the trauma it's been through and the, you know, what I want to know what life it led before it got to this point.

What details do you need about the chicken?

Just its personal life and relationships and how many children it had and where it lived.

In terms of how many children it had, is it better for the chicken to have had less children or more children?

Well, it depends, you know, because it can variate the taste of that chicken.

So I tend to ask, you know, about its qualifications.

Yeah.

What if

one of the details they told you about the chicken's personal life is that it was a massive fan of your comedy?

I wouldn't eat it.

I would let it live.

Yeah, but no, that's not how a restaurant's work, is it?

What restaurant are you going in where they go, or you order the chicken and they're like, all right, we'll go and kill it then?

That's not like a lobster.

No, no, they bring the chickens out.

I want to go to a place where...

Yeah, they're all running around.

Oh, okay, yeah, yeah.

And I talk to one of the chickens.

So, you talked to her.

So, the information is coming from the chicken.

Well, who else is going to tell me?

This information.

The waiter, we've just established all this.

We thought, well, I guess, to be fair, Ed and I assumed you'd be talking to the waiter, but you're saying you're talking to the chickens yourself.

This is the dream restaurant, I suppose, and they're telling you what their lives were like.

So, if any of them go, I'm a big grandpa,

you're like, let this one live.

They're not Irish, they're just normal chickens.

Normal,

just normal talking chickens.

Yeah, fair enough.

So I recommend the still water.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, get that?

Yeah, I know you like the sparkling.

No, I'm more of a stillboy, actually, but I don't mind the sparkling.

If you're asking me the waiter, I recommend the still water with a stick of mini toe ballone in it.

Do you still want the still?

Why are you asking me?

I thought we...

Oh, would you like me to join you for this meal?

Where are you then?

Well, I'm like the matrix D.

I'm like overseeing the whole thing.

So I'm on my own.

Well, you can bring whoever you like with Paul.

You don't have Gyal, nothing.

You can be just sitting on here like a wanker or my own.

Well, no, you can bring a gyal if you want, Paul.

I don't mind you bringing a gyal if you want.

Yeah.

Any gender?

I'm not just saying gyal.

It could be with any gender.

Yeah.

Who do you want to bring with you?

Who do you want to bring with you?

Well, I normally go out for dinner with Greg and Russell Howard.

Normally.

How often?

Whenever I go out for dinner, it's with Greg and Russell Howard.

When was the last time you went out for dinner with Greg and Russell Howard?

Why are you only on first name terms with Greg?

Because Greg's.

So do you always go out for dinner with them?

Them two, yeah.

So what do they have at the Shisha Lounge?

No, we don't go Shisha Lounge.

They go to very expensive restaurants.

Yeah.

And they order a lot of alcohol.

Right.

And then we split the bill three ways.

Which can become problematic because I don't drink.

Yeah.

You know when they split it three ways?

Yeah.

And all you've had is a bowl of corn.

And all you've had is corn.

And then they've had 17 dishes.

Greg eats.

Yeah, man, likes to eat.

And Russell likes to eat as well.

Yeah.

Russell Howard.

Yeah, Russell Howard.

Greg.

You were chatting to a chicken in the corner.

Yeah, chickens running around.

So would you like, for your dream meal in the dream restaurant, would you like Greg and Russell Howard to be there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, and the good thing is they've both been on this podcast.

Have they done this?

So we know what the menu would be.

Have you heard of these two guys, by the way?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Greg,

they're in the industry as well.

Russell had his, he's had a TV show and Greg's been on a couple of bits and pieces.

Have you heard of them?

Yeah, I've heard of them, yeah.

Yeah, so they're comedians.

So I do, you know.

Greg did that show, The Cleaner, where he had

the best cameo of all time.

Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah.

With Henna Labonham Carter.

Yeah.

We're actually meaning to go out for dinner, us three.

Oh, really?

Who's you three?

Well, Helen Labona Carter, me, and Tim Burton,

her ex-husband.

Yeah.

I don't think you were in a scene with her, though, were you?

No, but she was around, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were hanging out.

You were in a scene with Gita from EastEnders.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she was in East Enders, Gita, Yeah.

That was her character name, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

Obviously, the actress.

Yeah, yeah.

I can't remember her name.

She was there as well.

She was there as well as her character from EastEnders.

So, yeah, the character from EastEnders was with the woman who played the character from Eastenders.

But she didn't like to be reminded of that.

Yeah, yeah.

But Greg was there.

Greg was there, which is important.

And he's here at your meal now.

Yeah.

So.

You, Greg and Russell Howard, are there?

I brought out your Still Waters because that's what I recommend.

Oh, thanks, man.

Popping up's or or bread.

Popadobs or bread, Paul, Chelsea.

Poppadobs or bread.

I'm not sure whether you're asking me about poppadoms because I'm Indian.

Well, what I would say to our credit is we have asked the question poppadums or bread on every other episode we've ever heard every single episode of this, have you?

And you've only just said to wait.

You've just said, do you want bread?

Yeah, normally I just say bread.

Normally I go, do you want bread?

Yeah.

Like a bread.

And then you shouted poppadoms at me.

Yeah.

But we've had other guests who are from Indian families, Indian backgrounds.

But really, which ones?

We don't need to justify this to Paul.

No, but we're just saying that we definitely...

Are you suggesting that we didn't shout pop-doms at them and we were waiting for you?

You were waiting for me to come onto this podcast.

We were.

Yeah, yeah.

We knew that it would really get in your head.

This has got to me now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's why I'm not.

You didn't ask this to the chickens.

No.

Well, we haven't had the chickens on the pod.

Oh.

They'll be awful guests.

But pop a doms are basically

crisp, yeah.

Yep.

A big crisp.

They're the massive crisp, aren't they?

One crisp.

That's a little bit.

It's one crisp.

But a big one?

Yeah.

It's a one big crisp.

How do you feel about having one big crisp?

I don't like really poppadoms.

Especially when people like crack it in the middle.

Yeah.

And then their hands touch other parts of the poppa dom.

And then you think, which part did they touch?

And then...

So you've got to go first.

and take as much of that poppadom as humanly possible before other people start sticking their shit fingers in it.

Here's the thing though, you're having a meal with Greg Davis.

I know that he chose poppadums.

But Greg's hands is the same size as a poppadum.

So, but if he goes to crack it, he's touched every bit.

Then you might as well order a new, you're ordering a new pile of poppadoms.

Yeah, yeah.

So do you get a bit weird about that sort of thing?

If someone's touched your food,

you wouldn't eat it.

I wouldn't even look at it again.

No.

Never look at it.

What would happen if you looked at it?

I'd say, I'm full.

Yeah.

I'd say, I've stuffed.

Even if you sat down for a meal with Greg and Russell Howard.

Yeah.

And you'd not, it's literally sat down, you've had some still water, they bring over poppadoms, Greg cracks the poppadoms, you go, I'm full.

Yeah, yeah.

If he touches the poppadum, I'll say I'm full and then I'll wait till the next course comes out and make sure it's a dish that people don't have to touch.

But then you would say I'm not full anymore.

Oh, I'm hungry again.

It's quite a weird excuse.

Couldn't you just say you don't want any poppadoms?

No, because I do want the poppadoms.

Yeah.

I want the poppadoms.

Yeah.

But you don't want Greg's shit fingers.

But some assholes touched it.

Yeah.

So when someone's touched your food, it's like, how can you eat food that someone else has touched?

How can you do that?

What about like the chef will touch it quite often to prepare it?

Yeah.

How do you feel about that?

Yeah, but I think they're touching it with gloves on.

You reckon?

Not in all places, I don't think.

I don't think they would take out the poppadom from the deep fryer with their hands.

No, but I mean just food in general.

A chef might have touched it.

People don't do that.

No, okay.

No one touches it.

No, they'd have to wear gloves.

They'd have to wear masks,

haznet suits,

and then the food will come out.

So I want to know what that weight is doing with the food, you know.

Yeah, you could ask the chicken, I suppose.

Yeah.

The live chicken.

Yeah.

So you prefer bread is what you're saying.

Well, I don't really eat bread because bread puts on a lot of weight.

Yeah.

So I tend to go for poppadums.

Just the water.

So no poppadums or bread?

No pop-a dumbs.

So you're skipping the whole pop-a-doms about you don't want prawn crackers?

Prawn crackers are basically poppadoms with prawn flavour on it.

Oh yeah?

So basically everyone's got a crisp if you look at every nationality.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Every nation has their own crisp.

Yeah.

Asians, Indians have poppadons.

Chinese have prawn cracker.

Yeah.

And you've got salt and vinegar.

Every nation.

Yeah.

All the nations.

Indian, China.

And

vinegar.

It was Asians, Indians.

Yeah, sorry, Asians, Indians.

Yeah, that's copper.

China, China, UK.

UK, yeah.

Yeah.

Anywhere else?

The Mexicans have got those, what's it called again?

Tortillas.

Tortillas?

Tortillas.

So that's a crisp that's been fried in half.

Yeah.

Fried in half, yeah.

Any other nations?

Americans have got potato chips.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just name me a nation.

I'll give you what they've got.

Kenya.

Pop a dumbs?

Yeah,

that's a fair point.

You've absolutely got

me there.

Okay.

Norway.

Norway.

The Norwegians have got...

They give you a deep-fried ice.

Deep-fried ice?

Deep-fried ice, they give you, I think.

It's just water, isn't it?

Yes, but that's their version of a pop-a-dump.

They deep-fry ice.

They deep-fry ice, I think, I think, for a starter.

It's a thing, isn't it, out there, I think, in Norway.

You can Google it.

They put it in batter first?

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is why I never trust anything you say, Paul, because the way you deliver that, which is patently untrue, is exactly the same tone you deliver everything else, including details about your life.

Yeah, it's hard no but my life i would never lie about my life i would never make up stuff i know it's serious to you and i know people wouldn't want to be hoodwinked and shit so i would always tell the truth about my life okay that's good okay and what we went through in montreal yeah which you remember now it's coming back to me bits of it but i try to i mean forget it just at a refresher in montreal you you ordered a tray of avocado on toast Would you like that now as your bread course?

Yeah, with anchovies on it.

Oh, look, here's the thing.

So your bread course would be avocado on toast with anchovies on it.

Yeah, I did that once in it.

I lived out in Italy for six months doing Devil's, that Patrick Dempsey drama.

And I ordered some anchovies and they bought me a tin of anchovies and it was 30 quid.

Yeah, those tin fishes sometimes can go absolutely insanely expensive.

The sp the Spanish ones especially.

But they're 99p in Sainsbury's.

Yeah.

And I was like, what the fuck is this shit?

It's just a tin and it was opened.

So like a tiny tin had been opened.

Yeah.

So for 30 so they charged me 30 quid to open the tin, yeah, you know, with the little Coke thing on it, yeah.

Was it nice anchovies?

They were just anchovies, yeah, but you're a fan of anchovies, you know, and now I really value a tin of anchovies because of it because you paid so much for well.

Then, when I get a one-pound tin of anchovies home, I'm like, this could be 30 quid in a restaurant, yeah, yeah, that's good, makes you appreciate it more.

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Let's get into your dream meal.

Your dream starter, Paul.

Yep, here we go.

I knew this would happen.

Instantly,

look at him.

He's staring up at it.

Said nothing of nowhere.

My dream starter.

Yep.

This is a tough one.

Yep.

There's a lot to choose from here.

Yeah, because I'm a real foodie, as you know, and

coming from a background of cuisine.

What's your background of cuisine?

Well, I used my family had a snack bar in Southall and I used to work in I was a chef in the

I didn't know this.

This is all true, yeah.

You think I'm making I used to make it was I used to make sandwiches.

What was your signature sandwich?

Well, we used to make tuna specials.

Yep.

Which is now it was called the upper crust actually.

What?

What?

Which has now been stolen because we didn't paint the name so you didn't you were the original upper crust we were the original upper crust

and it actually got stolen from us because we didn't paint the name

so we were going to sue them for styling the upper crust and you see it in major stations now but yeah that's actually

that was your family

yeah so you used to work in the upper crust yeah the og upper crust so what was your what was your signature sandwich the tuna special you said tuna mayonnaise onions, a bit of chili.

Oh, nice.

If you want chili in it.

But generally it was scar White people don't like chilies and stuff.

I've got you know I used to cook all the time and I've just finished a show for E4.

It's a cookery competition.

Yeah.

Celebrity cooking school.

You're a contestant in that?

I'm a contestant in that with Kerry Katona.

You and Kerry Katona?

Yes.

And who?

Versus each other.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of, you know, people from made in Chelsea, made in Essex.

Made in Essex.

Happy Mondays.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Which one?

Bears and Sean Ryder.

Sean Ryder.

Yeah.

And that cleaner.

Huh?

That woman who's the cleaner?

Mrs.

Hench?

No, the other one.

Who used to clean my house or something?

Kim Woodburn?

Kim Woodburn.

Yeah.

She's in it.

Well, I've never been more excited about a TV show in my entire life.

I bet you absolutely rinsted them Paul.

You've got a culinary background.

I'm not sure they liked me.

I'm not sure some of the contestants took to my level of competition.

I say this as somebody who loves your company and loves being around you.

I guarantee some of them didn't like me.

But that's what makes a good TV.

It was very tense.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you cook at home, Paul?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a big cook.

I can show you some videos if you want.

No?

No.

What's your signature dish at home?

What do you cook at home?

Well, I had to cook on the show as well.

Yes.

What would I cook if you came over?

Some wholemeal pasta?

Yep.

But you're saying that because you're looking at Ed and thinking, what would Ed eat?

Yeah.

That looked like what you were doing there.

Yeah.

You were sizing him up and going.

I was just looking at his body.

He'll probably like wholemeal pasta.

Yeah.

There's another time we ate,

was Taskmaster.

Yes.

It was the second time we ate together.

Yeah, we ate together at Taskmaster because in the series of Taskmaster I did, series nine, Katie Wicks was ill

and then they brought in, they brought in Catherine Ryan to replace her in one episode and Kerry Godleman to replace her in another episode.

And then they were worried that she'd be ill for the next day as well.

So just in case

Paul came in, so it was just hanging around the studio.

Yeah, great.

Eating.

What a great.

Eating.

What a great.

And I'd come off both shows in a row.

I came off.

Paul was waiting for me at the top of the stairs and went, yeah, there's some funny stuff in there.

Did I say that to you?

Yeah, it's nice.

You got some napkins there?

Yeah, yeah.

Coke's wearing off now.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Fair enough.

We still haven't heard what your dream starter is, although I think as we go on through the podcast, we'll probably have to pick up on upper crust because I would like to hear it about that.

Yeah, yeah, we'll pick up on that.

But I do like a soft shell crab.

Yeah.

Yes, good while we're talking.

That's probably one of my favourite starters.

That's very nice.

Deep fried?

No.

Okay.

Shallow fry.

Shallow fry.

But with the batter on it.

Yeah.

Well, it has to be deep fried, I think.

I'm not sure if it can be shallow fried.

You probably can probably shallow fry it.

I'm sure the right person, the right chef, would be able to shallow fry that.

The prawn version, which is...

Like battered prawns.

Well, I think they're called crispy...

I think they're crispy-fried

prawns?

Crispy-fried prawns?

Yeah.

Is that what they're called?

Yeah, I guess so.

I guess that you could call them that.

Maybe prawn tempura or something like that.

Yeah, but they're not called prawn tempura in a lot of restaurants.

What restaurants are you thinking of?

Where do you like to get your crispy prawns?

Chinese.

Chinese.

I'm not going to a fish and ship shop for them, mate.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't think they do soft-shell crab.

So from a Chinese restaurant, soft-shell fried soft-shell crab.

Chinese restaurant might be like a king prawn.

You know, like a deep-fried king prawns.

Deep-fried king prawn, yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, do you want both of those as you start together?

I'd go.

A little seafood medley.

Well, if money isn't an option

and you guys are buying,

and you're drinking alcohol and I know by the end of the meal there's going to be a problem you need to eat as much as you humanly can right okay remember you're with Russell and Russell Howard sorry and Greg so Russell Howard and Greg yeah so um they're gonna be drinking yeah heavily yeah heavily I don't think Russell does drink heavily though does he actually no just you know a bit of red wine here and there he's not really a big drinker is there like a sauce with this with this soft shell crab or like a dipping sauce or something yeah it comes with the um it comes with like a sauce so yeah I know it comes with so it comes with a sauce but what sort of sauce?

It comes with like a,

what do you call it?

It's like, it's a dark, watery

soy sauce type.

Like a soya sauce, but it's not soya sauce as such.

Yeah, like a thinner sort of.

Yeah, I know the one you mean, like the sort of tempura sauce that you would get, really.

Yeah.

I think it's called tempura sauce.

Yeah.

But I do like a chili sauce on the side.

Yeah.

So you want chili sauces.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Because they used to be a thing when we were younger.

Chili wasn't a big thing.

So your parents and your uncles and everyone would carry chili in their pockets and bottles of chili sauces so wherever we went we had chili with us yeah whole chili would they no like a bottle of chili sauce tabasco or something because i know it wasn't a thing back in the 80s like chili wasn't a thing yeah you'd go to school trips and stuff and my friends from your background um would find even like salt and vinegar crisps chili yeah

but it was just the vinegar yeah i still do that on tour now i take round a dude.

I got a bottle of Nando sauce in the hotel.

Oh, really?

Yeah, because sometimes in like hotel breakfasts on tour, they won't have any chili, they won't have anything.

And if I'm having eggs, I need to put some chili on there.

In the morning?

Yeah.

You eat chili in the morning.

I eat spice in the morning, maybe.

Get myself going on eggs.

Scrambled eggs,

you need hot sauce, I think.

I have a bit of a kick in the morning on the...

Yeah, like, especially.

Also, avocados on toast, nice with some chili in it.

Avocados on toast in a hotel.

You can get it sometimes.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you know?

What hotels do you have?

I'm spending on the the hotels, mate.

But we're just saying this, like I'm just more referring to just like starting the day with a bit of chili.

That kind of stuff's great.

What, chili on eggs?

Yeah, eggs, yeah, brilliant, delicious.

What hotels are you staying in on tour?

Ibis's, holiday inns.

Oh, mate, come on, 49.99 hotels.

You're selling out Wembley.

What are you doing in there?

Yeah, but there's overheads

and there's a lot of outgoings, you know.

So you've got to stay in.

In fact, I drive myself to the Wembley.

Okay.

Are you sure you don't need to do that?

But I don't live too far.

Yeah.

Yeah, very convenient.

And you let the other guys set up the show, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm glad you're not setting up your own show.

Yeah.

You guys have done Wembley, yeah?

No.

No, neither of us has done Wembley.

How come?

I don't think I could sell it.

Yeah, I think I could sell enough tickets, Paul, to be honest.

Because you guys could probably do this podcast at Wembley.

We probably could do this podcast at Wembley, yeah.

We admit that.

Yeah.

But since 2018,

at least 10,000 people would have heard this podcast.

Yeah.

You know that that's not how selling tickets works, right?

No.

Very difficult to sell tickets.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think we could do Wembley with this podcast, but it's what do you do in Wembley if you're doing a podcast?

Yeah, because you could do this as a live podcast.

And I know you have done it as a live podcast.

So why don't you do it in Wembley?

I'll be a guest on it.

Because you're doing it now.

Unless we did a redemption episode.

Sometimes we did a redemption episode.

Well, don't put this out.

Because you want to save it from Wembley.

Let's just save it.

Yeah.

Just talk to the producer.

Don't put it aside.

You can talk to him now.

But he's your producer.

He's not going to listen to me.

You might listen to him.

I mean, I'm really enjoying this episode, Paul, but

I'm going to say it.

I feel like there's too many big silences for Wembley.

Yeah.

No, but I'm playing the room.

Yeah, you wouldn't.

So you're playing Wembley now in the conversation.

I'm playing this room.

But on silences, I mean, you need the laugh to go to the back and then back to you.

You need to leave the balance.

Because you do at Wembley, as you know.

Yeah, I did him live in it at Wembley.

Yeah, live in a tour show there and it's a nice room

for main course main course yeah

you're talking like this is a new concept to you the main course this is a very difficult there's so many to choose from here you see

with all the cuisines I've experimented with around the globe.

It depends what mood you're in as well.

And if I'm having a cheat day

with Greg and Russell Howard, it depends what I would go for.

And one of my favourite dishes when I was in Italy, and it was cooked in its natural inhabitant, and as it was supposed to be cooked, which you don't really find in London, was caggia pepe.

Caggia pepe, which is cooked in a bat

of cheese, which is actually cooked in a bat of cheese, like a massive cheese ball.

and they open it up and they cook it in the cheese bat.

Bat.

Yeah.

What do you mean by bat of cheese?

like a bat of cheese we've not heard this phrase before i might be wrong but i would say like a wheel of cheese or something like a bat of cheese bat of cheese yeah

what yeah you haven't heard that expression before no b-at-t yeah

no a bat of cheese yeah

which means what which means like a big lump of cheese a bat yeah but you guys do english literature or language yeah yeah to never hear that phrase

A bat of cheese.

No.

And look,

I'm sure that's the phrase, but I've just never heard it.

And you presented it because you said it's cooked in a bat.

And I was like, what?

Yeah.

It's like

a bat of cheese.

Look, I'm just going to Google bat of cheese.

No, I don't want to Google it.

I think we just leave it.

We'll tell the producer.

Let's have a look if this is real.

Did you mean bag of cheese?

Is what's come up.

I mean bag of cheese.

You meant bag of cheese.

No bat of cheese.

Let's keep it to just maybe just check that Google.

Bat of cheese.

Have you got internet reception?

Yes, he's got internet reception.

And he's Googled Bat of Cheese.

And all that's come up is, did you mean Bat of Cheese?

Well, this was in Rome.

He's on Google in the UK.

He's on UK, so if he was Italian Google, it would say, yes, that's what we cooked.

Can you put that in Peter?

Can you see Bat of Cheese?

Can you write Bat of Cheese in Italian?

Bat of Cheese, Italy.

Google that.

No, no, write it in Italian, do the Black Translation.

We'll go on Google Translate.

Bat of cheese into Google Translate.

Do you mean like Wheel of Cheese?

Like a whole

wheel of fortune?

Pipistrello di Firmaggio, is that what you just put?

What's coming up?

Let me have a look.

What has come up when you put Pipostrello di Firmaggio into Google is from what I can make out, a little canopé, which is a rolled-up ball of cheese, which has been dyed black, and they've stuck olives for eyes and big tortilla chips in it for ears, so they look like bats.

That's the main Google thing.

If you Google that, bat of cheese in Italian, it comes up with a halloween uh novelty snack that you would serve up to guests when they arrive where they've made balls of cheese look like bats by putting tortilla chips in the ears

that's the main course

it says pipostrelli de halloween so do you want pipostrelli de halloween for your main course well i've said batter cheese yeah so that's what you're gonna have pipostrelli de halloween that's your main course yeah yeah the caccia pepe is gone now.

And the cachia pepe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you would like pipostrelli de Halloween as well.

Yeah.

Perfect.

Yeah.

There you go.

Do you like bats as an animal?

No.

No.

Quick as you answer the question.

I'm not a big fan of bats.

Don't like them.

But I do like a bat of cheese.

Yeah.

Yeah, you like a bat of cheese.

Yeah, a pipostrelli.

A pipistrelli de Halloween?

A pipistrelli della hallelle.

With some cachia pepe on there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now talk about the catchia pepe.

What do you like about that?

Well, it's very cheesy.

It's very um peppery yeah that's the that's why they call it a pepe yeah the pepe is the pepper yeah but people didn't know that who really who didn't know that a lot of people i've told about this dish do you want to name and shame anyone who didn't know i didn't ask them their names but they didn't know you didn't know their names but you were telling them about

catchy ape uh it's called that because it's got pepper in it but you didn't know who they were what their names were but you were told telling them this when i came back i was like you've got to try this catchy ape what's the what's that i'm like it's pretty obvious what it is but you didn't know know these people's names that you were like what in the air they think you catch the pepper from somewhere so people would some people

if they knew what it was yeah they thought you got to catch the pepper and create this dish but you can't catch pepper you can catch bats you can't

you can't catch pepper why can't you catch pepper well it doesn't just fly around does it it's not just uh so if you just picked the pepper like

yeah is that not catching but you're not catching it no no no what about if you if we put you in the crystal dome at the end of the crystal maze, and filled it up with peppercorns?

And we just fired them in?

And they went up in the air.

Yeah, but that wouldn't be a natural way to get catch

a pepper.

Doesn't have to be natural.

You're catching it still.

You're catching the pepper.

And what present are we talking about?

The original.

Oh, okay, yeah.

What one?

This is important.

What one do you want?

Are we talking about O'Brien or are we talking about Awade?

Ed Tudor Pole.

Well there's Ed Tudor Pole in the middle as well.

No, that's not right matter of history.

Yeah.

Who?

Ed Tudor Pole.

He presented it after Richard O'Brien.

Did he?

Yeah.

The lead singer of Tempole Tudor.

Yeah.

I go with him, you want him?

Okay,

the one you forgot about.

Yeah.

I was a big fan of his.

You want Ed Tudor Pole?

Yeah.

Okay.

You're happy with Ed Tudor Pole farming peppercorns into the Crystal Dome and you've got to catch them all.

Yeah.

And then you would admit that you're catching Pepe.

Well, you're not catching it because it's not just flying around, is it?

Well, it was in the Crystal Dome, yeah.

In this natural...

You obviously know where pepper comes from, don't you?

Yeah.

It grows, yeah?

Yeah.

But it doesn't then take off.

No.

So it should be pica pepe.

So the dish would be called pica pepe?

Yeah, because the people that don't.

So you're having pipistrelli de Halloween and pickape.

Yeah.

Yeah, you won't pick a pepe because you don't catch it.

Yeah.

Delicious.

We're enjoying this meal so far.

Yeah, it's good.

What are Greg and Russell Howard thinking so far, do you think?

What do they think of that?

What they're drinking at the moment.

What they're thinking and drinking.

What will they think when the Pipistrelli de Halloween comes out?

What do you think they would think about that when you've ordered that?

I think Greg would enjoy that.

Yeah.

Russell Howard?

Russell Howard, on the other hand

is a very serious man yeah yeah yeah i mean i'd love to watch one of these meals unfold yeah genuinely i'd love to be a pip astralia on the wall at one of these it'd be a very good tv if they're looking to do like a follow-up of the trip because you know coogan and bride are not doing it anymore i i would suggest making it a freehander and having it you greg and russell howard because i would i'd watch that especially if you went to italy in one of them like they did in the original paul just got a look in his eyes there that he's decided that that's genuinely a good idea uh so i'd like to apologize in advance to uh the manager that both paul and i share for the amount of phone calls he's going to receive about that yeah and to the commissioners at sky and to michael winterbottom

we come to your dream side dish what what side dish are you going for here you've got the pipostrelli de halloween and the catchia pepe sorry the pica pepe you've already had the deep-fried prawns and It's a lovely sweet.

Soft shell crab.

Yeah, really nice stuff.

So the side dishes are interesting, aren't they?

Because you've got so much choice.

Yeah, you've got your spinach,

which has got a lot of butter in it and stuff.

Creamy spinach?

Cream spinach, yeah.

Cream spinach as a dish.

Spinach, parsnips,

olives.

Olives.

Olives?

Olives as a side dish, do you think?

But very seriously, you're not nodding.

Is it a side dish?

Well, I don't know.

I'd never think of it.

Would you have olives as a side dish?

Again, it'd be a pre-meal thing

around the bread course, I'd say.

Yeah, you might get some olives.

Well, sometimes the bread.

But you didn't offer me the olive oil with the bread.

Oh, you could have asked for that.

You could have asked for it, yeah.

I could ask for that.

Yeah.

Do you want?

Yeah, I'd need some of the olive oil.

But remember, your bread course is toast with avocado and anchovies on it.

You want to sprinkle the top.

You put the olive oil on top of that?

On top of that.

Fine.

So what do you want as a side dish?

I'd probably go with

if it's a cheat day.

Yeah, it's very controversial.

Hope you don't take me off this.

Cheat days are controversial.

Well, what I'm about to say.

Right.

Chips.

Yeah, you've really...

You've changed the game on this one, man.

Has anyone said this before?

No, I don't think anyone said this.

I've got the first person who chooses chips on the podcast, yeah.

So that's specifically for a cheat day.

So all week when you're working out.

You're keeping it lean, you're getting ripped, you're thinking about chips.

Yeah.

Because it's a good crisp, isn't it?

Okay.

Hang on, what?

It's a version of...

It's from the crisp family.

Sure, it's from the family.

Yeah, yeah, they're related.

What sort of chips do you want?

Deep fried.

Deep fried chips.

I like thin chips.

I don't like the fat bars.

No offense.

No offense, I don't want to.

Yeah, I do like a good thin chip.

A good chip.

Like a French fry.

No, English.

Good.

But like a McDonald's, you know, those kind of French fries.

Yeah.

Are you thinking about that?

Yeah, when you go to like a good hotel restaurant, they're very thin, aren't they?

Can you remember the best chips that you've ever had?

I think the Dorchester do very good chips.

Yeah.

The restaurant of the Dorchester.

Yeah.

The Dorchester Hotel.

Yeah, in London.

That's where Tom Cruise stays.

Yeah.

Oh, it's where Tom Cruise stays?

Yeah, he does.

Did you know that?

It's common knowledge.

Yeah.

That he stays there when he films in London.

Have you ever stayed there?

No.

I just thought would you go to the restaurant for the chips?

It's not really within my budget of hotel.

Right, probably.

Dorchester.

It's not within my

realm of possibility.

It's a distant dream for me, someone like me.

I'm not within that pay bracket.

You are.

But like, so are you going with...

But you've been to the restaurant there?

Yeah, I've been to the rail.

Yeah, I took my dad there for his birthday last year.

Oh, lovely.

Greg and Russell Howard invited to that?

No, they'd

was more of a family meal.

They're extended family.

Did your dad have the chips?

He had a few chips, yeah, and some baked fish and stuff.

Nice.

When you eat chips around people, are they like, wow, this is very rare?

Because it must be a cheat day or something.

Paul's eating.

Paul's eating chips.

We never get to see this.

Very rarely do I eat chips, and I'm doing it today because I've been waiting for how many years since you started this spa?

20.

28 years since you've started this.

And I thought, you know, I was going to treat myself.

How often do you have a cheat day, Paul?

Well, you're supposed to have them once a week.

Right.

If you're training.

Because you train a lot, don't you now?

I try to, but I don't really do the...

I don't go in for the whole cheat day or money.

But you don't do cheat days?

I like food too much, so I like the training because it makes me feel good.

But aesthetically, I'm not so focused on it that I'm not just going to eat what I want most of the time.

So you just eat anything?

I eat pretty much anything, yeah.

Yeah, but you're a happy man now.

You've got a girlfriend, fiancée, wife.

You've got a wife now.

I've got a wife.

What about your girlfriend?

She's fine with it.

It's a good one though, isn't it?

That's funny.

That always works, doesn't it?

Yeah.

People will laugh laugh at that at home.

They'll think, oh, it's got some comedy in this now.

Because he said girlfriend, white, and then you said, what would your girlfriend?

Do you get it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you laughed at that joke, tweet Paul about it and let him know I'm a great joke.

Just tweet Paul and say, I laughed, and then put hashtag good joke.

A good joke.

Yeah.

That will always work, that joke.

Yeah, and also include the hashtag it will always work.

Through the history of time and jokes, it's such a simple format.

Yeah.

Because you take someone in one direction.

Yeah.

And then I thought, you know, his girlfriend became his wife.

Yes, yeah.

I was insinuating the girlfriend

as another person.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or boyfriend, whatever.

Yeah, or, you know, it could be anything.

It wouldn't work with that because you'd already said girlfriend.

I mean, that's enough.

But it wouldn't work to go, you know, you've got a girlfriend now, and then go's got a wife, and then you say, well, is your boyfriend okay with that?

Yeah.

Would be logically as a woman.

It wouldn't work.

Then people wouldn't laugh.

The structure doesn't make sense.

I can hear the laughter now as people listen to this.

That wouldn't have worked.

No.

But if you said that you've got a husband now, what would your boyfriend think of it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would work.

It would work.

People would get a round of applause at home.

Yeah.

At home.

At home, it gets a round of applause.

But people at home listening.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not at our house.

No.

With your boyfriend.

No.

No.

I mean, to be fair, was with his partner.

Who was his partner?

For her?

Isi.

Wife.

Oh.

Great.

That's good.

See, if this was a club, yeah, I mean, the roof's off.

I'd have ripped it.

The roof's off by by that point.

When we're stadiums in here in rubble at this point.

Yeah.

You can't say that.

Huh?

You can't say that about me.

No.

You can't.

Because of my look.

Yeah.

If you're not listening to this.

Yeah.

Go on.

I've got a beard.

I'm Asian, and you said I've left when we said in rubble.

You did say that.

You can't say that.

I did say that.

You can say it to this guy.

Yeah, Ed.

But if you said it to me, it comes across slightly differently.

Am I in trouble now, do you reckon?

Well, it depends on the listeners.

Yeah, yeah.

I know you've got a very liberal left-wing audience.

They could get offended with that.

So they were like applauding a minute ago at your joke.

How do you think they're reacting now to me saying that?

We've got to now try and pull this back.

Yeah.

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Do you reckon we can pull it back with

the drink?

Yeah, yeah.

I think we try and pull it back with what your drink course is.

Oh, the drink course?

Yeah.

This is very controversial, I'm about to say.

So no booze for you.

No.

No booze.

I don't like booze.

I haven't drunk in 23 years.

Wow.

What was the last alcoholic drink you had?

Can you remember?

Great question.

I had a

hot toddy.

I don't know why that's so funny, funny, Paul.

Your last alcoholic drink.

Well, that's me done.

Why is that funny?

It's really funny.

It's the idea of you finishing that and going, never again.

I'll do a hot toddy.

Never again.

It's such, like, not a.

I don't know why.

It's such a specific and like

rare thing.

Hardly anyone is having a hot toddy ever.

And you had a hot toddy.

I've hit rock bottom, man.

That's my last one.

I'm done.

I had that two months ago.

A hot toddy?

Well, you said your last drink was 23 years ago.

Yeah, that was the last proper drink.

But two months ago, you had a hot toddy.

No, but I wasn't feeling well a couple of months ago.

Okay.

Well, Ed's gone.

So you.

So you said you'd not had a drink in 23 years, but you had a hot toddy two months ago.

Yeah, but for medicinal purposes.

Yeah, but it's still an alcoholic drink, Paul.

Yeah.

But it doesn't count because I wasn't feeling...

It's medicine, isn't it?

It's like medicine contains alcohol if you have a day and a night nurse.

And there's alcohol content.

I'm not technically drinking.

So before medicines were invented, people would just have hot toddies.

Yeah, but medicines are invented now.

Yeah, yeah.

How often do you have an hot toddy?

When I'm not feeling well.

And how often's that?

Every week.

They're on their feet at home.

They're shouting for more.

Deliberately set him up for it as well.

Yeah.

How often's that?

Yeah,

he knows where this is going.

Got it.

He's a pro.

You had a hot toddy

two weeks ago or two months ago or whatever.

So, you know, you are kind of having alcohol every now and again when you feel ill.

Only hot toddy.

Only hot toddies.

And are you buying whiskey specially for that?

Do you have whiskey in in the house now?

Yeah, about three, three, five bottles.

Yeah.

Big bottles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you make your hot toddies with them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But what's your dream drink going to be?

Is it going to be a hot toddy, your dream drink?

Hot toddy.

So serious.

Hot toddy.

Hot toddy.

Oh, gosh.

So with your dream meal, it's going to be a hot toddy.

Which would suggest that you're ill for your dream meal, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I mean, if you're going to have your dream meal, being ill would be the best situation to have it.

Why?

Because you could be dead soon.

Sorry.

The best.

Your dream is to be so ill that you could be dead soon.

So what are Greg and Russell Howard thinking at this point?

Well, they're worried.

Yeah.

I've quite worried about their friend.

You're having a hot toddy.

You You guys are laughing about this.

They're thinking this guy could be dead soon.

Yeah.

So you're

having a hot toddy.

So that's your dream drink.

Is there a particular sort of whiskey that you like with a hot toddy?

Whiskey is whiskey, I think.

I think a lot of people would disagree with that.

Yeah, a lot of people who like whiskey would be like, absolutely not.

I don't really have a preference apart from 1983 Jack Daniels.

Okay, there you go.

1983 Jack Daniels.

Oh no, Johnny Walker.

Johnny Walker.

So you can have the 1983 Johnny Walker.

Hot Toddy.

Hot Toddy.

Oh no, the other one.

Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, and the black label.

That's Johnny Walker, I think.

Is it?

Yeah.

Do you want that?

Yeah, Johnny Walker red label or black label.

One of those two.

I think red label's better.

Red label.

Red label.

Johnny Walker red label hot toddy for your drink.

Because you're at death store.

Because you're at death store, you're at death store.

Well, you know, it used to work as a medicinal purpose in the olden days.

Yeah.

But you've got to mix it with honey and lemon.

So that's what you do in your hot toddy.

So your hot toddy is Johnny Walker red label label with honey and lemon

nothing else in there bit of ginger a bit of ginger yeah you can chuck that in is that part of a hot toddy well i think if it's if it's

always harm can it at that point

a bit of ginger and whiskey is nice it really warms you up doesn't it you can feel it yeah it's a good drink choice we've never had a hot toddy have we no this is our first hot toddy on the podcast First hot toddy on the body.

That's good.

Yeah, isn't it?

A hot potty.

Yeah.

You turn this into a hot potty.

How's that feel?

And then the the side of ribena oh hello side of ribena you like ribena it's like ribena i like coconut water

and then that's a nice uh because it refreshes the palate yeah i actually don't drink with my food because you don't digest your food if you drink while you're eating so you don't get the nutrients out of the food so when you're eating you don't have a single drop of liquid i have a drink 15 minutes before eating and then 15 minutes after eating and then I eat in the middle because when when the water and the liquid is mixed up with the actual food uh-huh it doesn't go to the right departments what

it doesn't go to the right departments in your body what are all the departments well it gets confused because it's all it's like it's it's like the Poseidon adventure in your stomach

because the food's all like sloshing around it's like the titanic yeah so when you eat and drink at the same time yeah where does the food go well it doesn't know where to go because it's all mixed with liquid so that have you noticed that you don't become ripped when you mix water with your food or drinks not noticed that no you haven't noticed that well I've not become ripped ever but like well watch what you do now when you take this advice on board yeah next week you're gonna be ripped so for this dream meal you're having a hot toddy 15 minutes before you eat I probably have the hot toddy at the end and then the Rybeana at the beginning at the beginning yeah you got a ribena 15 minutes before water course yeah and then if you've got to extend it 15 minutes again I'd have to wait 15 minutes yeah and then you've got your avocado on toast.

Yeah.

And then your whole menu.

And then 15 minutes later, you have a hot toddy.

And actually, I'd probably wait for the dessert.

Yes, yeah.

Yeah, after you have the dessert.

We arrive at the dessert.

No idea which way this is going to go.

Russell Howard and Greg are absolutely off their face.

Are we talking dessert trolley or are we talking about...

It's your dream.

Well, it's your dream, so it's whatever you want for dessert actually.

Do you remember the dessert trolleys?

You're too young to remember.

I remember the dessert trolley.

Was that always an exciting moment when when they wheeled the dessert trolley around?

Was Little Paul all excited?

Well, yeah, sometimes people used to be sitting on that dessert trolley and they used to wheel him out as well or her or whoever.

People were sitting on it?

Yeah, people used to sit on it.

That's the problem with dessert trolleys, is you don't know what's going on with the trolley before the dessert's been on it.

You don't trust it.

So not only do you worry about the background of a chicken before you eat it.

You're worried that someone's been sat on the dessert trolley before they put the dessert at the restaurant.

You can see the dessert trolley just sat there with desserts on it.

I want to know that dessert's been in the fridge.

right?

Okay, but with the like if you can't see the dessert trolley in your mind,

what's the worst thing that they could have done to the dessert trolley?

Oh, you can't.

This is a family podcast, isn't it?

No,

I mean, what is in your mind?

What is the worst thing that could have happened?

So, you can say what's the worst thing that could have happened on that dessert trolley before they put the desserts on it?

Um, there's a lot of things going through my mind right now.

So, say them out loud.

Well, you can say this, yeah,

fucked it, isn't it?

So not had sex on it.

That's what I assumed you were worried that someone had sex on it.

What I wasn't expecting is that you were worried that they'd actually fucked the dessert trolley.

No, the dessert.

Not the trolley.

Oh, like in American Pie.

Yeah.

In American Pie, he fucks a pie.

That's the whole reason it's called American Pie.

He puts his dick in a warm apple pie and he fucks it.

I don't think it's called pie his dad.

Producer's looking at his computer thinking, can we not put this in?

Can we can we take this in another direction

yeah this will be in the podcast don't worry about it but you so you you you worry that they fuck the desserts yeah yeah or put their dick in it or just put their dick in it

yeah yeah what's the

what's the what's the difference between someone fucking the dessert and putting their dick in it

well people um put bodily fluids in food as well

but i want to know because you said you're worried that someone's fucked the dessert or put their dick in it yeah but isn't that the same thing?

Not really.

Go on.

You've put your dick in a lot of things, haven't you?

Yeah.

I wouldn't say, I actually wouldn't say a lot of things.

You've not fucked your pants every morning.

No, exactly.

I don't fucking put your dick in them.

You just put your dick in them.

Yeah, that's true.

That's a really good point.

And I, you know what?

I'll take that on board.

Yeah, you've had countless partners.

Right.

You might have put your dick in them.

Yeah, but then I've fucked them, haven't I?

No, you've made love to them.

Right, okay.

Okay.

What if someone had made love to your dessert?

That's fine.

Because it was done lovingly.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, fine.

It's not aggressive.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what is this dessert that someone's made love to, potentially?

Yeah.

Tiramasu.

We're in a hot toddy situation here again.

I've got no idea why that's absolutely the funniest thing you could have picked, Paul.

Really funny.

It's also the worst one for anyone to put their dick in.

You're going to spot it straight away.

There's so much going on there.

But there could be a cover-up.

What?

You could cover it up again.

Yeah.

With the

cream on the top.

Yeah.

Cream.

Put more cocoa.

Brush the cream over, put some cocoa powder on it.

No, you don't know that you put your dick in it.

Bush, brush, burst.

It's got coffee in it as well, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You like that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bit of a buzz at the end.

Like a coffee in a dessert.

Yeah.

Some of her Italian pick from you here.

Hmm.

There's a lot of Italian themes here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You spent a long time in Italy filming that thing, didn't you?

I was institutionalized.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're by yourself filming in Italy, right?

Yeah.

But were you friends with the rest of the cast?

Were you all just Patrick Dempsey?

Just Patrick Dempsey.

He was being sold.

Just Patrick Dempsey, really.

Yeah.

You know, he used to be in Grey's Anatomy.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

He was the doctor in it.

So would you...

80s films.

Would you maybe one day maybe take Patrick Dempsey to one of your meals with Greg and Russell Howard?

That would be a good meal.

Can you get on?

See, I don't really cross-pollinate my international star friends with each other because

you just don't know what could happen.

Nobody could imagine that scenario.

See,

I'm friends with everyone, you see.

It's normal for you to be friends with me.

But those guys,

there's a lot of egos involved though.

Yeah, they're big stars.

And do you behave differently around them, do you think?

I'm just a normal person.

But do you think, well, do you think that you behave differently with Patrick Dempsey as you do with Gregor Russell Howard?

Oh, exactly the same.

But like, okay, well, let's see.

Imagine now that Patrick Dempsey's just arrived.

Say hello to him.

Yeah.

Hey, Pat, how you doing, mate?

Hey, hey, hope you're well.

And now Greg and Russell Howard have arrived.

Say hello to them.

Hey, Greg.

Hey, Russell, how you doing, mate?

Oh, yeah.

It's very different.

Yeah.

Who's your most famous friend?

In my phone?

Sure.

Do you have to have their telephone number?

Is that considered?

No, but it's just who you would consider a friend.

Because I've got a lot of people's phone numbers who probably aren't my friends as colleagues or whatever, but like, like someone who you could hang out with and would maybe ring you up and say hey paul how's it going you know like a friend or someone if you ran into them you'd have a chat with them for a bit and you could maybe then go for a lunch with them or something yeah well haven't he then

i'm gonna read you a menu back to you now see how you feel about it who've written it down yeah yeah yeah written it down so you would like 15 minutes before you would like some ribena

then you want some still water because i recommended it to you

15 minutes later you would like a tray of avocados on toast with anchovies with some olive oil drizzled on it.

Sprinkled.

Yep.

Then you would like soft-shelled crab and deep-fried krispy prawns with chili sauce.

Main course, piccampe and pipostrelli de Halloween.

Side dish, chips from the Dorchester.

Drink,

well, we'll get to that later, actually.

Your dessert, you would like a turamasu, which someone's made love to.

And 15 minutes after that, you would like a hot toddy.

What was the side again?

The side dish was chips from the door chest.

Of course, yeah, sorry.

It's a cheat day.

Some ketchup.

Some ketchup.

Yeah.

It's quite the menu, Paul.

It's good, isn't it?

Yeah.

The main course is a bit of a left swerve, I'd say.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, catch a pepe on its own, fine.

Delicious.

You said you said it should be called Piccape, so we've changed it for you.

You can't even get that in this country.

Yeah.

Pacha Pepe?

I've looked around everywhere.

I don't know.

I bet if you googled now where to get it in London, you'd find it somewhere probably like 10 minutes' walk from here.

Yeah.

Not from here.

I did find it once at Camden Market.

And it was terrible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that done in the bat of cheese?

Yeah, it wasn't.

It just didn't have that

authenticity about it.

I had it in Camden Market.

Did you?

Made in a bat of cheese.

Yeah.

And it was pretty nice.

There's a place in Shoreditch that does it in the bat of cheese proper.

And that was delicious.

Really?

Yeah.

There's some really good Italian places.

In London?

Yeah.

Padela, I reckon you'd get some good Caccio Pepe.

Are you joking?

No.

Do you want to go?

Yeah.

You'd struggle to find Pipistrada del Halloween, I'd imagine.

Yeah.

Pip Australia de Halloween.

I think you've got to go to some special places for that.

It's got to be Halloween, for example.

And it's usually, by the looks of the photos, it's just someone's party at their house that they've done some.

Paul's looking at the photo of the Pip Australia del Halloween now to see what he's

ordered for.

That's the first time I'd seen it as well.

And look what they've got in them.

Mexican crisps.

Yeah, I thought the eyes were olives at first glance, but they don't seem to be olives they seem to be little fried eggs uh from like a Harabo yeah and the

ears on some of them are tortillas that you mentioned earlier yeah Doritos Doritos they look edible though don't they yeah

oh no

not really I mean the faces are cheesy but mixed with something that makes them like black little black bat faces but like well Paul thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant we've had a lovely time this has been uh I'm stuffed I can't move this has been real this has been real Would you normally go back to Russell Howard's or Gregg's now if the three of you have been out, or is it just straight home for all three of you?

No, they just get an Uber straight after the restaurant.

Yeah.

Are they in the Uber together?

No, separate Ubers.

Separate Ubers.

Yeah, I think they meet up afterwards.

And then do you drive back?

I drive home, yeah.

Yeah, I tend to drive places.

Any final words for any of your fans listening?

Yeah, I'm just, when are we going to start the actual podcast?

Well, we'll take a quick pause here and then we'll get going, okay?

Don't you do that at the end of a meal when the meal's finished?

Yeah.

And then you say to the person, let's order mains.

That's good.

That's a good one, isn't it?

It's good.

What's everyone else having when the waiter

brings over the food for everyone?

Or when the waiter comes, pick it up, say, I'll have the same again.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's a good one as well.

Yeah.

So you keep it going with the waiter because you don't want them to

fuck the food.

You keep it going.

You keep that rapport.

And then they'll keep their dick out the tour soon.

Yeah, you know, you don't...

Because I don't like it when people rude to the waiters

and the staff because then they're gonna that's the unwritten contract, right?

Yeah, you're nice to them, they're nice, and they don't fuck the dessert trolley.

They're only make love to the dessert trolley.

They're only, yeah.

Thank you very much, Paul.

What an honor and a privilege it was to come to this restaurant.

Well, there we are.

I mean,

I think it's the most you've lost in an episode, potentially.

Yeah, might have been.

Really lost it quite a few times there.

Yeah.

There's a lot of stuff.

I can't even begin to list it.

You just heard all of it anyway.

But also that shows you in the intro, we're going, here's what Paul's, he's really unpredictable, but here's what he's definitely going to do.

He didn't do any of it.

No, I think the only thing he did that we predicted is made up his menu on the spot.

Yeah.

Because he hadn't thought of it before.

Also said something deliberately confusing and then stared at us.

Yeah.

Everything he said was that.

Thank you very much, Paul, for coming into the dream restaurant.

We loved it.

And of course, we loved it even more because you didn't say flax seed, you didn't say the secret ingredients.

Um, I mean, I don't know how Paul would have responded if he had said it, and we said, Right, that's it, you don't get any dinner.

I think that would have well, it would have baffled him, I think.

Yeah, that would have spiraled out into a whole other thing.

Yes, uh, you must listen to Paul's podcast, The Podcast, where he interviews a different comedian every week.

Uh, it's always different, it's always unique, and it's all through the wonderful filter of Paul Chowdhury.

Yeah, Paul's tour is called Family Friendly Comedian.

You must go and see that.

Yes, absolutely.

You're on tour, Ed?

I'm on tour doing my show Electric.

Do go onto my website, edgamble.co.uk, for tickets and details.

Check out where I might be on.

I mean, you know, what else can you say at the end of such an episode?

I hope you all, you know, are tweeting Paul to let him know that you were laughing at hope at that joke you made.

Yeah, please, and that you're applauding.

That would be great.

Thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu podcast.

I'm very tired now, so we're going to go.

Yeah, we're going to have

a lot of fun.

We're going to have a a little hot toddy apple steak

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I'm Sarah.

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We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

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