Ep 164: Richard E Grant

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised go to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

Let's be real.

Life happens.

Kids spill, pets shed, and accidents are inevitable.

Find a sofa that can keep up at washable sofas.com.

Starting at just $699, our sofas are fully machine washable inside and out.

So you can say goodbye to stains and hello to worry-free living.

Made with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics.

They're kid-proof, pet-friendly, and built for everyday life.

Plus, changeable fabric covers let you refresh your sofa whenever you want.

Neat flexibility?

Our modular design lets you rearrange your sofa anytime to fit your space, whether it's a growing family room or a cozy apartment.

Plus, they're earth-friendly and trusted by over 200,000 happy customers.

It's time to upgrade to a stress-free, mess-proof sofa.

Visit washable sofas.com today and save.

That's washable sofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, taking the rice of conversation, laying over the raw fish of humor, wrapping in the seaweed of the internet, and dipping it in the soy sauce of good fun.

Sushi.

Ed Gamble there.

My name is James A.

Castle.

This is the Off Menu Podcast.

We own a dream restaurant.

We invite a guest in every week and ask them their favourite ever, starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, aka their dream meal, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Richard e grant

here we are we're back in the treasure chest oh look at look at us look at us we've dug up some more national treasure yes please very exciting obviously richard e grant needs no introduction he's in so many wonderful iconic things and he soon has a new book out a pocket full of happiness it's a memoir it's out tomorrow and we're gonna be asking him about that in the podcast very excited that he's on i mean too many of the list is his uh his films his iconic film roles basically this whole interview is going to be me trying to not do with nail and i quotes yes i might try not to ask about spice world the movie

if you could yes i would try yeah but if spice has come up spice might come up we're talking about food but what's going to come up with you know he might what does he want wine does he want the finest wines available to humanity oh yeah then we're in trouble yeah then we're in trouble yeah then you've got a you've got a bite bite your tongue there we'll see we'll see what happens of course you know hopefully we'll get that far because like obviously if richard says a secret ingredient, which we deem to be unacceptable, we are going to kick him out of the dream restaurant as the rule for everyone.

Yes.

And this week, the secret ingredient is lighter fluid.

Of course, another with Nell and I reference.

They drink it in with Nell and I.

Yes.

So it therefore counts as an ingredient.

Yeah.

Sometimes we pick these because they're relevant to people's work.

Sometimes we put them because they're ingredients we don't like.

Sometimes it's because we don't want them to be kicked out.

Yeah.

And we're pretty sure.

If Richard D.

Grant says, to start, I'd like a a shot of lighter fluid.

Yeah.

Then I think...

He deserves to be kicked out.

People will be like, oh, fair enough.

Yeah, get him out.

They had to do that, even though he's a national treasure.

Yeah.

Because he shouldn't be drinking lighter fluid.

I'm so excited to meet Richard E.

Grant.

Very excited.

Who thought that when these

bunch of idiots sitting around this table here started a food podcast that we would get to speak to so many national treasures?

Yeah.

Richard E.

Grant would sit down with us and tell us his favourite foods.

This series, we've had Lady Henry and Richard E.

Grant.

Pinch me.

I mean...

I will not.

Ed refuses to do anything that might hurt me.

That's how much he cares about me.

I'll kiss you.

I won't pinch you.

Who would have thunk it?

Richard E.

Grant and our little part.

We should point out as well, Ed is

drunk.

Well, you're just leaving massive pauses, so whenever I say anything, it makes me sound like I'm drunk.

Yeah, we've recorded quite a few today.

I'm drunk with pod.

And we've had so much pod, and now we're going to interview interview a National Treasure, and I keep on powering down, and then Ed has to fill the silences by saying, Who'd have funky?

I mean, you know, Benito can edit out the silences, and it can just seem like it's

like that, just you shouting who to funk it over and over again.

Maybe I will get drunk now.

Yeah, well, let's see.

After Richard D.

Grant, yeah, after Richard E.

Grant.

I don't think there's many National Treasures left after Attenborough, Attenborough.

Let's get on with it.

Here we go.

It is the off-menu menu menu of Richard E.

Grant.

Welcome, Richard, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

Welcome, Richard E.

Grant, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Here we are.

Thank you.

Lovely to have you in the dream restaurant.

In your dream dining scenario, is there anything that you would love to see around you?

What's the setting like?

Oh, to be at the seaside.

Yeah?

Oh, lovely.

Anywhere have I said a word that is a banned word or whatever?

Not at all.

I'm not going to be a jack-to-seated lady.

Okay.

No, anywhere by the sea.

Yeah.

Anywhere I'd like to eat.

A UK seaside spot?

I will go anywhere where there's water.

Yeah.

And are you outside for the meal?

Depending on how cold it is, yes, as close to the water as possible.

I'm going to not even ask you, but I'm going to take the liberty of getting rid of all the seagulls in that case.

Okay.

Because I don't want you having your dream meal under constant threat of seagull theft.

I'm very, very greedy, so I would take on a seagull.

You could take on a seagull?

Yeah, I would.

I'd have a machete

down my back, ready to pull out.

Could you reintroduce one seagull?

Because I'd love to see it.

Yeah, there's one seagull, and it's the seagull from The Little Mermaid.

What's it called?

I don't know.

Well, it's a popular character, going to be voiced by Aquafina in the new film.

Right.

Well, of course, it would have very good manners and befriend me and come and sit at the end of the table.

Yeah, so And I'd feed it, you know,

my leftovers.

This is nice.

You're by the sea.

Yeah.

Would you dine alone for your dream meal or do you like company?

I'm very greedy and the idea of a sharing plate to me was one of the great culinary disasters of the last two decades.

It's so widespread now, the sharing plan.

I hate it.

I don't like sitting on a bench.

I don't sharing a plate.

I want everything that is in front of me on my plate.

And I've had to restrain myself from stabbing fellow diners who have reached over and said, oh, could I just have a taste of that?

I said, no, I'd rather order you an entire plate of it and I will pay for it, even if you take one bite.

But do not mess with mine.

Oh, I mean, we're so on the same page right now.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I was like, could I just have one of your chips?

And they go on my diet.

No, no, fuck off.

Just let me eat what I've ordered.

Don't give me a sharing plate.

You got the machete now, so.

Yeah, I have.

Yeah.

But you hate sharing, Ed, but you also

hate it if someone orders the same thing as you.

I do.

Oh.

So Ed's like impossible to please.

Correct.

So how do you feel about people who envy what you've ordered and said, oh, I should have ordered that, and the hand is reaching over.

Machete.

The paw is ready.

Yeah.

Going to your panel.

Oh, we're on the level.

I've got a lot of people envy what I've ordered.

Yeah.

Because then I can feel like I know what I'm talking about.

Well, before you were born, there was a French and Sauna's comedy team of two female comics that had a sketch where two schoolgirls and one was one had you know a big

chocolate something and the other one was edging towards her to try and try and get a little bite and as she got within inches of her Jennifer Saunders cad you just stuffed the whole thing into her mouth and I thought that's me identified

before you were born that's a compliment yes thank you

how old do you think we we are Richard 25 oh well both of us yeah I love it I love it I'm 36

37.

Well, listeners, they're using donkey sperm treatments to keep their skin as taut as I don't know what to mention.

Don't give away our secrets.

Okay.

We told you when you came into the studio, we said, ignore the donkey in the corner.

Okay.

Ignore the donkey.

I put it all over our faces.

Very good lighting.

You've both got your own hair and teeth, so I'm envious.

Are you much of a foodie, Richard, in in general?

Yeah,

yes.

Have you ever had somebody who's come on to your show that doesn't like food?

I mean, there are lots of things I don't like to eat, but yeah, I love cooking and I love eating.

Well, before we started recording, there's a brief conversation you were having with Great Belito about Wivnail and I.

And one of the bits of Wivnail that I always think about, whenever I see anyone eat an egg sandwich, is the bit at the beginning when they bite into the egg sandwich and then the yolk just pours out of the back of it like that.

And it's when he's really depressed in London.

He's like, I just want to need to get out of here and he sees that happen and I just think about it every time every time I'm eating an egg sandwich or anything like that I think about that and how so how often are you eating a soft fried egg sandwich you know what not as much anymore yeah not as much as before I saw that film because you're so rich now

I'm rich as hell but also because that film which I saw before I was so rich made me think oh I can't egg sandwiches are gross like it just it just I agree with you suddenly it represented despair for me it's very interesting because I heard you mention that just then the egg sandwich and I thought oh he's gonna say it makes him love an egg sandwich.

Yeah, because I love a fried egg sandwich the pop when you bite into it and you feel the yolk pop and it dribbles out.

I love that.

Yeah, but can you eat an egg and crest cold sandwich, which is like a fart between two slices?

I'm not a fan of egg and crest.

We're bonding enormously already.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

We have to catch up, you and I, Blondie.

Yeah, listen.

Slim and study wins the race.

I'm going to get you by the end of the year.

You can get that

sort of stuff.

Also very excited to talk about your new book, A Pocket Full of Happiness, a Memoir.

It's quite a personal book.

Yeah, it came about because on New Year's Day at the beginning of this year, I posted something on, posted a video on social media in which I had said that my late wife had said to me four days before she died

at the end of September 2021, I know that you'll be sad, but try and find a pocket full of happiness in each day.

And that really has been as sort of a hatchery, what you call a Hallmark card, corny as it may sound.

My daughter and I have found it really useful to try and

get over the canyon of grief that you have to navigate your way through on a daily basis to find something that is going to make you happy.

So you guys are my pocket full today so far.

High pressure.

Yeah, so the pocket full of happiness.

Yeah, so it's a memoir that begins with when she was diagnosed and ends when she died and then seesaws back in time to how we first met.

And I combined careers over 40 years.

So, you know, lots of showbiz stuff in amongst all the all the other.

Wow.

And did you find that writing it sometimes, that was the little, the bit of happiness you found each day was like writing about that memory?

Well, when my literary agent called and said at the beginning of January that a publisher had asked if I would

write a memoir, I immediately said no.

And then my daughter wisely said, I think that this will help you because it'll force you to get out of you know your own head and going down the rabbit hole of grief and it proved absolutely right so I'm very grateful but I didn't make a visa with her that I said in order not to jeopardize my relationship with her my daughter I would write the whole thing out first make an agreement with the publisher that I wouldn't take a penny of the advance until my daughter had read it and either vetoed a section or the whole thing and they willingly took that risk which I'm very grateful and she read it kept me waiting for three days days.

And I thought, bloody, I was about to speak to her twice a day.

I've absolutely blobbed.

And then she said, there's one paragraph that I want changed because the person who will read it could interpret it in a way that they could see as being critical.

So she's protecting somebody.

And she said, you got...

the surname of one of my friends wrong.

It's missing an S.

And that was it.

So I thought, well, it's not bad for notes, really, is it?

I was absolutely amazed.

So she said, no, you've absolutely captured what you know, your wife, her mum, was like and what your relationship was and all of that stuff and your career.

So she said, you know, warts and all, it's good.

So I got the go-ahead from her, which is why I'm now sitting here all these months later.

Does food ever represent the pocket full of happiness in a day?

Oh, God, yes.

And the first time I mutually seduced my wife and I when we first met in 1983, she invited me around for dinner because she was an accent speech teacher.

And I had done a series of regional accents with her at the Actors Center at the end of 1982 after I just emigrated from Swaziland and

she then said oh well I'm coaching on a play at the Royal Shakespeare Company that requires a Siswati speaker and you're the only person that I know that speaks Siswati so which is a click language and so I went round for dinner and she cooked

beef bouguen which was absolutely delicious and I didn't go home that night so it began like that and the last meal I cooked for her was chicken soup so yeah,

life and food.

And when I met her, I couldn't boil an egg.

And she gave me, you know, I'd grown up in the colonies.

You didn't need to cook for yourself.

You know, the la-did-la life.

So she gave me Delia Smith's How to Cook, which tells you how to boil an egg, fry an egg, scramble one.

And once you've mastered that, I then learnt very quickly how to cook properly and now love doing it.

Thank you, Delia.

Thank you, Delia.

I need to meet an accent coach.

Oh, no.

Well, you know, I had to go to my wife to learn how to do the R, the way you do your R, because I played Michael Hesseltine in the Iron Lady with Maelstream.

And I had to do the r, like you speak.

Like I do, the soft R.

He really hams it up, though, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, not deliberately.

Apparently, I don't know.

You already put it on.

Yeah, I've put it on.

I like it.

What?

Is it a seduction technique that you use?

Yeah, yeah.

Are you feeling introduced?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Pants off, ready to go.

Why do you need to meet an accent coach, James?

Because I'm always trying to do accents on the podcast.

I'm really interested in any time an actor comes on and can do an accent.

I'm jealous of them.

I want to know how they do it.

My brain just doesn't work that way.

I can't do other accents.

And sometimes I think I just need to sit down with an accent coach, face it head-on, and actually learn to do some voices besides my own.

I really get a kick out of it that people are going to accent coaches to learn how to speak like me.

That's topsy-turvy.

I told you I went to an accent coach once for an American accent, and she ended up crawling around on the floor.

Did she?

Yeah, she said it's more helpful if you crawl around on the floor.

I said, well, that's not going to be very good at the audition.

What was her name?

I can't remember.

Yeah.

But she had me crawling on the floor.

No,

my late wife was absolutely adamant that you didn't have to lie on the floor and think of Himalayan gusts coming up your sphincter and

thinking Auntie Muriel to try and reach an American accent.

She gave you very specific practical things to do, which is why she was so successful.

So you've just pointed out exactly the kind of accent guru bollocks that goes on you know in the profession it's i have this the same wariness of people who say i'm very spiritual person what's your star sign and um the combination of those two things usually has me a lying and then running for the door

so we always start on the dream menu with still or sparkling water a sparkling water please ice cold with a glass full of ice and i don't care how much water there is in there but it has to be ice cold every day of the the year.

Yeah.

If it's not ice cold are you just like does it just is it repulsive to you?

Yeah repulsive.

Yeah.

Can't go.

Everything has to be ice cold.

So are you wanting ice cubes, crushed ice?

I don't care as long as it's absolutely you know brain freezingly cold.

Are you taking your time or do you go really fast and actually give yourself brain freeze?

Oh I'll do whichever whichever.

The seagulls nearby.

Yeah I'm very greedy.

Yeah I might clock clock the seagull with an ice cube.

No I don't know much about seagulls.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

I know they nick chips.

I've never seen one go after someone's sparkling water.

No.

Even if it's blobbing with ice.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, you're right.

That's right.

Ever see him clock in a barrel of sparkling water.

Chasing someone with a peri-A down Brighton Beach.

Yeah.

Have you two ever had a big fight?

Got an argument?

Yeah.

No, I don't think so.

No, I don't think we have.

Wow.

Wow.

That means there's one coming up.

I think.

No, no, I think that's wonderful that you.

I think we're quite good at seeing when one is potentially gonna happen right and then the one of i think we've been lucky that we haven't both been wound up about something at the same time and therefore

so i think it's been like it's one of us will be angry and not the other yeah and the other one goes I'm gonna walk away from this.

And do you socialize outside of

the Diamond?

Oh, you do.

All the time.

So I was always amazed by I.A.L.

Diamond and Billy Wilder, you know, at Sunlike It Hot and Sunset Boulevard, all those movies.

They used to meet in an office, I think, at 8 o'clock in the morning for something like 40 or 50 years and then would leave at 5 o'clock in the evening.

They never ever socialised.

They never even went into each other's houses and produced this great stuff.

So I wondered whether you, but you obviously

live in each other's houses or whatever.

Well, we don't spend enough time together working for that to be necessary, I think.

Because you hear about people who spend like, you know, like Penn and Teller are on tour all the time, but they won't speak to each other outside of the show.

They'll literally just walk on stage and that's the first time they will have seen each other all day.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Apparently, yeah.

And I think Cannon and Bull were like that towards the end as well.

But that's a lot of time you're spending with someone professionally, whereas we, you know, every now and again get together and do a day where we do four podcasts.

And most of the time we spend together is social.

Yeah, most of it.

And you have partners or

partners, yeah.

You do.

And how do they cope with your friendship?

They love it.

Yeah.

They do.

Well, I don't know.

We're all big pals together.

I can speak on behalf of my partner.

Yeah, and mine.

She's all for it.

Yeah, she's out with her, put words in your partner's mouth.

Why do you do you think our friendship would be a problem to our partners?

I don't know.

You know, some people can be threatened or feel left out.

Yeah, yeah.

I have no idea.

I'm not very friendly.

I've just met you, so I'm just asking.

Yeah, curious.

He's not a threat to anyone, this guy.

And because of doing this, you know exactly what the other person doesn't like.

What's the thing that you hate eating most?

There's not a lot of things.

Yeah, it's Yorkshire puddings.

Yorkshire puddings.

Yorkshire puddings you don't like.

Yeah, but sometimes I really, I really sort of amp that up because it annoys people a lot, Richard.

Right.

Why?

What is it?

The puffiness of them or?

Puffiness.

I just find find they're quite plain.

I don't think they've got much flavour.

And he's going to get angry.

This annoys him.

They take up a lot of real estate on the plate.

They do.

You can put stuff in it.

So what's your potential?

And then you may say that.

Because yours is Yorkshire pudding.

What's yours?

What's your hate?

Hate fennel.

Hate fennel.

Hate pomegranate seeds.

Wow.

Yeah.

Both of those are the most disgusting.

They're gruesome to some.

That's what I feel about chocolate and cheese.

Oh, yeah?

Together?

Oh, in either, any combination.

The smell and the taste of them are absolutely abhorrent.

Now you're winding at both of us.

No, no, no, it's absolutely true.

Everything cheese out of chocolate.

Rich.

A tiny bit of parmesan cheese on a Caesar salad is about as close as I can get to that

little heart that it has.

Chocolates cheese are the worst.

Yeah, yeah, I'll back you.

This is

the two finest things available.

Oh, chocolate.

Chocolate and cheese.

Chocolate is not cheese.

No.

The taste of luxury.

No, I think anything that's come out of an udder should go back in there.

Seriously.

Do you think you could put a block of cheese back in an udder?

Would you give it a go?

I'd later, yeah, with the machete and a seagull to go with it.

That's a weird-looking odder when you see that cow walking around the field.

Very lovely.

Why is the odd squawking?

Popadobs or bread!

Poplobs or bread, Richard E.

Grant!

Popadobs or bread.

Bread.

Yeah.

Bread.

Every.

I suffer from misophonia.

Ah, yeah.

Which is identified 20 years ago for the...

So I immediately make the sound there.

So the sound of a poppadum being crunched near you literally brings the red mist of rage over my...

And I wish I didn't suffer from this, but I do.

So the sound of a poppadum is is unacceptable.

So is all of your menu going to be quite soft foods?

You old age foods you don't need teeth for.

Sort of silence.

No, but if I eat an apple, I will go and eat it in a corner on my own so that I don't have to infringe that noise on somebody else close by because I know what that does to me if somebody's doing it close to me.

Oh, that's nice.

So I've never met a sort of an empathetic mesophone before.

Oh, are you me?

Are you yours?

No, no, no.

But it's always about when anyone talks about it, it's always about what it sounds like to them and how it makes them feel.

I've never met anyone who's gone, and I also don't want anyone else to hear that.

So you have to privately eat crunchy foods.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I'll go and sit in the front row of the cinema on my own with a box of popcorn because I know that the sound of that is, it's only I will be hearing how awful that sound is.

Yeah.

Because if I'm near anybody else that's doing it, I'm...

So do you feel like the sound of yourself eating make you feel weird?

I get used to it because greed overtakes the

greed overtakes the misphonier part of it.

but yeah I find that even crunching toast I think gosh can't you just do it this is the one time I've wished that I could be deaf so that I couldn't hear the sound of it you've been at one of your own film premieres and yours is sat at the front on your own and everyone else is at the back and you're eating popcorn at the only film no you go you go at the beginning to do the press stuff because you're required to do that in your contract and then you don't stay and watch it I've noticed that yeah sometimes I've gone to watch a film at a film premiere and I've been excited and everyone's there at the front oh all the stars are here and they all all leave up the fire escape and you're like, what the?

Shalabay, where are you going?

I know very few actors that like watching themselves in stuff.

And the only analogy I have is that unless you're a voyeur, would you want to watch a replay of yourself having sex?

Because it's the actor doing it that is...

pleasurable.

Yes.

It's the making of the movie or whatever you're doing, but having to re-watch it afterwards, you go, oh my God, is that what it looks like?

Is that what it is?

Oh, no.

So it's gruesome.

It looks like it's just had a beef burning yarn.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

Can't watch this.

Exactly.

Exactly right.

So is an actor who enjoys watching their own stuff a red flag?

No, because that's passing judgment on somebody else.

No, I don't know.

But some people, you know,

I'm sure there'll be critics out there who'll say, well, that's your problem.

You should have been watching yourself to improve.

I don't know.

No, it's the actor doing it.

I think comics have a similar thing, right?

Yeah,

if I'm literally putting out a comedy special, I can watch it during the edit, watch the final version once, and then I'm never watching it again.

Yeah, like, and that's the most I'll ever watch myself is when I'm literally putting the thing out and releasing it.

Yeah, and

what does that make you feel when you watch it?

For the that that's relief because that's like, okay, I've got it, I've got it edited the way I want it, it's fine.

But if I watched it one more time after that, when it's finished, I would just be like, shut up, you boring wanker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get the machete out.

It'd be the worst.

Yeah, yeah, get the machete through the TV.

That's it.

Whereas you love watching yourself over the years.

I love watching myself.

Do you?

When I watch James, I think, shut up, you boring wanker.

Yeah, yeah.

Often that's the thing that we have to edit out.

So you have the yin and yang of your relationship.

Yeah.

No, I can't bear it.

I can't bear it either.

It's easier when you're watching it for an edit or something because you're in another brain.

It's almost like you're not watching yourself exactly watching it for the edit.

But I would never, certainly for pleasure, never watch anything I'm involved in.

And a lot of people would agree.

Paul Benito here has to edit this.

And at some point in the future, he's going to be sitting there editing a conversation about editing.

And that is going to be quite the day for him.

So you're just sitting here waiting, getting the scissors in between the bits where there's big gappy pauses and thinking, get the fuck and move on.

A good plate of bread at the beginning of a meal, you know the rest of the meal is going to be good.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Warm.

Got to be warm.

Warm.

Olive oil.

Olive oil.

Is that what you'd go for?

Yeah, don't eat butter.

So

olive oil.

Yeah.

You're dipping it?

Oh, dipping it in so that it all absorbs.

Yeah,

nothing like good bread.

Balsamic there as well, or are you just keeping it just olive oil?

Yeah, I can have some of that too.

But I like it just

straight up.

No, it's not essential.

Not even the olive oil.

It's essential.

The lovely bread.

Yeah, lovely bread.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with my plan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to then current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

Let's be real.

Life happens.

Kids spill.

Pets shed.

And accidents are inevitable.

Find a sofa that can keep up at washable sofas.com.

Starting at just $699, our sofas are fully machine washable inside and out.

So you can say goodbye to stains and hello to worry-free living.

Made with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics, they're kid-proof, pet-friendly, and built for everyday life.

Plus, changeable fabric covers let you refresh your sofa whenever you want.

Neat flexibility?

Our modular design lets you rearrange your sofa anytime to fit your space, whether it's a growing family room or a cozy apartment.

Plus, they're earth-friendly and trusted by over 200,000 happy customers.

It's time to upgrade to a stress-free, mess-proof sofa.

Visit washable sofas.com today and save.

That's washable sofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Your dream starter.

A bowl of linguini with fresh white crab meat.

Oh,

medium chili and coriander, lemon and olive oil.

Not enough people use the pasta as a starter hack.

I love it when it comes out to play.

Well, you know, when you go to Italy,

they give you a starter-sized ball.

You never get this mountain of food that you get in an English restaurant where there's so much pasta that you then have to get into a bed for half an hour.

Yeah, it just gives you enough to, you know, five or six mouthfuls to...

get you ready for the main course.

Of course, here you're really lining up the seagull with the crab meat.

With the crab meat, you better get that machete.

You better be fast with that machete.

Yeah, absolutely.

But if you have one of those,

because it was in England and you had one of those heater things nearby, you could always just thwack it towards the heater.

I'm going to have animal rights people coming after me.

Oh, not seagulls.

Not birds.

A specific seagull who's not a good egg, this guy.

This is a fictional seagull who very aggressively wants all of your food.

Yes, the Don Corleone have seagulls.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I think it's fine to

drop into into a heat heat if the seagull got into your crab spaghetti because I don't think...

Could you suck spaghetti through a beak?

Oh, yeah, it'd be interesting.

Oh, yeah, they could.

Yeah, you reckon?

You reckon?

Yeah, I think it's possible.

Do you think if Lady in the Tramp was about seagulls?

Do you think that thing would work?

I don't think so.

They can't kiss, can they?

They can't kiss.

Because it just click.

Just clap beats back and forth.

Oh, yeah, the spaghetti itself, it'd be quite difficult.

They have to do a lot of takes to get that thing with the spaghetti slurping.

is this something that you cook yourself at home yes yeah regularly and is the dream meal the one that you've cooked uh no i'd no have to have somebody else cook it for me yeah do you make the pasta from fresh uh no no

no

the crab meat that you use in you know is there a place you go to for your crab meat yeah there's a great uh fishmonger called sandy's run by a guy called stewart in uh twickenham which is about three or four miles away from where i live in richmond and um he has absolutely amazing white crab meat.

So you make the trek for it, get it back.

Richmond's a lovely part of town.

So beautiful.

Have you seen Ted Lasso being filmed?

No, I haven't.

No, but I know that it's filmed on Richmond Green at the Creedus Pub.

I bet if you just walked over there one day while they were filming and went, hello, I'm Richard D.

Grant.

Oscar-nominated actor.

Do you mind if I

do mind if I get in this scene?

It's a very weird...

It's a weird thing.

I don't know whether you feel this, but when you see other people filming stuff, there's always a feeling of like, oh, why am I not in that?

Or have I been excluded?

So you don't feel like you're worthy enough to go and, you know, show you.

If you see it happening, you're clearly not busy that day and you could.

Yeah.

They didn't even do availability.

Yeah, when you see that, you know, somebody sold out at Wembley Stadium or the O2 and the name is taller than you know, this building, does that make you want to run in and go, yeah, I must see this stand-up?

No, luckily, it's a very bad venue.

So I just think

it's what a sucker.

What an absolute sucker.

I can't get over the courage that you must have to be able to stand up and make people laugh because there's no in between that, you know, you, as an actor, you think, well, if you're doing a drama and it's really quiet, you're hoping that they're blubbing their eyes out or so move.

But if it's a comedy and there's no response, you know that you've died.

Don't you?

Yeah, but then we've got the opposite where we are.

We desperately need that response on them to let us know it's going well.

And if I was ever doing serious acting on stage, I would be terrified every time they're not if i was doing a serious bit yeah i would have no gauge to know if that i wouldn't have the thing of like oh i trust that they're feeling emotional during this i would just be like i'm tanking it's going bad because i need that reassurance from them yeah but have you ever been in a done your

anytime i've done anything like like a wedding there's been no response i've said like a wedding speech and i'm doing a serious bit in within the speech where it's a heartfelt bit about how much i you know love my friend yeah like

and obviously that's not engineered to get laughs at all yeah so i say the bit but I just feel like, no, I want to jump out of a window.

What I'm asking is that have you, where something is obviously engineered to get a laugh and you get no laugh as tongueweed, how does that has that ever happened to you?

Yeah, constantly

on a weekly basis, and it feels horrible every time.

Horrible.

Yeah, really mortifying.

Yes.

You feel so embarrassed.

You can't believe you're up there doing it.

Why am I doing this?

I can't really get it.

So what keeps you doing it?

Don't play self-tago.

I've got no

idea.

I've got got nothing else.

Yeah, we've made our own beds now, haven't we?

Yeah, also, we've been doing it long enough and have had enough good nights to realise that they all weren't flukes.

Yeah.

And you want to improve as well.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I think the thing that means you keep doing it is that I would like to get better.

And so I'm going to keep on going back to try and improve.

And what do you think about the sell-by date of a comedian?

It's short.

I've had comedy.

So I've been a friend of Steve Martin for over 30 years since working with an LA story.

And he said, in his opinion, very often people's careers, and especially in comedy, are over five years before the person realizes that it's over.

And that gave me a sort of pube straightening moment of thinking, has my time come and gone?

You know what I mean?

And I just wondered with comedians, because you will know them, and I know

you can name them, and of course I'm not going to name them, people who used to be funny who still are doing the same shtick and they're just not so funny anymore.

Or they've, you know, time has changed.

Yeah, interesting.

And then, yes, Steve Martin sort of deliberately ended his stand-up career way before that point.

Well, he said, he told me that, and he's written about it as well, that by the time he got to the stadium shows, he was the first comedian that had done stadiums, that the audience knew all his material and was saying it back to him.

He said, Where do you go from there?

Because it had taken him so many years to get to that point that to then come up with fresh material was just impossible.

So he thought it was just better to stop.

Yeah.

Also, Also, I think that it's weird that you say Steve Martin actually, because I think that shelf-life-wise, I remember seeing, is it Paul K.

Dennis Pennis?

Yes.

In character.

Saying to Steve, Steve Martin, you used to be funny.

Why aren't you funny anymore?

Yeah.

Whatever it was.

It was in 1991 at the premiere of LA Story.

Right.

Whereas now, yesterday, you know, I was speaking to someone and they're going, you've got to watch Only Murders in the Building.

It's so good.

It's so funny.

So like, you know, I guess it doesn't mean that you're done, done.

No.

You know, you can go through phases of like, I need to pick this back up.

I need to get back in touch with this.

And him and Martin Short now are just like incredible.

And they were before.

Ebbs and flows.

So, you know, hopefully, hopefully, Ed.

That's our careers.

Well, it's just like food, the sale by date of comedians.

Yeah.

You just ignore it and then I hope it's fine in a couple of weeks.

Take it out of the fridge.

Take the sticker off and go, hmm, this is delicious.

That's what we'll change colours.

My career, in a few years, I'm just going to scrape the mold off and keep going.

You heard it here.

Ben, get that in.

in

your dream main course which grants your dream main course you've had this lovely little a barbecue seafood platter of lobster giant prawns from

Mozambique or Madagascar and a squid just those three ingredients covered in garlic butter wow i mean is that right yeah but i'm just picturing this seagull yeah

It's going in.

Well, you take the lobsters out and you

put the shell on the edge of the platter and then, you know, it can come and take that because you'll be attracted by the bright pink colour.

Keep it busy with the lobster shell.

Yeah, exactly.

That's not going to work for long, though, is it?

With the prawn sat there and the squid, he's going to be straight back over.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought he could drink me.

I'm the seagull, man.

That does.

That does sound absolutely amazing.

Good.

Yeah,

a nice, simple, you know, not doing too much with it, garlic butter.

Yeah.

You've barbecued them, but yeah, it's not too much on it, just a bowl of lemonade.

It's a quality squeeze, you know.

Yeah, the quality of the ingredients.

Oh, and some lemon mayonnaise, homemade.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, homemade.

Yep.

By yourself, by your own hands.

Nothing like it.

Pizza, Helmand's, all those other ones into a cork jar.

Have you got a secret to making the best lemon mayonnaise?

Just put lots of lemon in it.

Oh, yeah.

Secret ingredients later.

Secret.

That's real.

Dijon mustard and yeah, just go for it.

How are you eating all of this stuff?

With your hands.

Is it with hands?

Oh, yeah, with your hands.

Is it a bib?

Are you wearing a bib?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

What does the bib say on it?

Hungry boy?

Hungry boy, yes.

That's Swazi Boy eats here.

Get him with your hands.

And are you going back and forth between the different meats?

Or are you, you know, one at a time?

Are you that kind of person?

Oh, I'm not.

I'm not fussy in that way.

I'm just very, very greedy.

I just have my hands on the whole lot.

Tornado.

Yeah, tornado.

All of it one by one.

Is there any actors that you've been doing films with and then you've gone to eat together that you would share a meal like this with ever?

Have you ever like taken away?

I wouldn't share them.

Come on, let's not bring that word up.

Yeah.

I wouldn't share them with ever.

Melissa McCarthy's a fantastic person to eat with.

Do you know what?

I was thinking in my head, because I love that film that you did together.

Oh, thank you.

Can you ever forgive me?

Yeah, she was so generous and funny and all the things that you'd hope that she might be from her screen persona.

And she loves eating and she loves food.

So it's a real delight to eat with her.

Do you have any good meals during the filming of that?

Did you get to get to spend much social time together?

Yeah, all the time, because we were the only two people, you know, almost all the scenes were between the two of us.

But on the morning of the Oscars, I'd gone to LA with my daughter and I said,

I called her up the night before and I said, this is such an out-of-body experience being in L.A.

and you and Ben Falcone, her husband, and their two daughters live not in the center of Los Angeles, they live on the

valley side, the studio city.

And I said, if I bring all the ingredients, can we make scrambled eggs and toast and everything at your house and just have a normal family day before we have to get dressed and get into a limousine at two o'clock in the afternoon?

And she said, that's a great idea.

So that's what we did.

We trampolined.

I cooked everything.

And

they had never had scrambled eggs cooked with olive oil instead of butter.

And they thought this was a...

This was a great improvement.

So that was a very memorable meal that we had together.

Oh, that's lovely.

That's really nice.

Normalized everything because we all, and the other thing was that we knew that by the time you get the, because you have to leave at two o'clock in the afternoon, by the time you get food at nine o'clock at night, you're ravenous.

You can't take food into the into the Kodak theater.

And we both of us knew that we weren't going to win, so we stuffed ourselves to the gunnels on that morning.

You had a wonderful time with the nomination.

It was nice to see someone really enjoy just being nominated.

How could you not?

Well, too many people don't, I'd say.

People don't seem to stand there enjoying it and really really going, oh, this is great.

I've been nominated.

This is enough.

And like, you know, you really, it was a joy for everyone to see, I think.

You enjoy that moment in your career.

Yes, you know, I knew that it would never, ever happen again.

And it was a once-in-a-lifetime chance.

So I, you know, grabbed every ounce of it that I could.

And I met everybody that I'd wanted to meet in my whole life.

It was brilliant.

Yeah.

Like Madame de Swords come to life.

And I've written about it in my book too.

No holds barred about what it's actually like to go there and meet all those people.

Who was the person you were most excited to see?

Oh, Barbara Streisand, of course, because I've been following her career for 53 years and I got to meet her.

That felt to me like winning the gold rather than the actual thing that night.

Did she perform at that one?

Because she was performing.

She didn't know.

No, she didn't.

So you got on a night off.

That's good.

Even better, I imagine.

You got her a night off, exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

More chatty.

You didn't trampoline after the scrambled eggs, did you?

Yeah, we did.

Ask them for trouble.

Yeah.

Swam did everything.

Yeah.

Those scrambled eggs go on a trampoline and go to the office.

Yeah.

Was it trampolining in the black tie, or did you get changed after that?

Oh, no, got changed, you know, at 12.30 or whatever, because they send around people to dress you and paint your face and do your hair and all of that.

So you feel like one of these shop mannequins that just come and paint you up and you just have to stand still.

It's the most bonkers experience I've ever had going to that whole event.

Did you go to some of the after parties afterwards?

There was some food there.

All of them.

Yeah.

It ended up with there was a

Olivia Coleman and Amy Adams were having a lock-in at Betty Davis's old house and Olivia Coleman came up to me.

I never worked with her but I met her a few times and she came up at the Vantifair party and she said, slipped a note in my hand and she said, we're having a lock-in.

This is the address.

Get the driver who's brought you here to go there.

So we went there at about

midnight and

crawled out of their door and we all got to hold Olivia's Oscar and she had karaoke

and I can remember singing David Bowie's Life on Mars with enormous passion and gusto and my daughter I just looked around my daughter just had her head in her hands in deepest shame and she said oh my god thank god this is a lock-in that nobody nobody said if this iphone

footage of this ever appears anywhere she said i will disown who's my father

it has yet to appear yeah so that's how the night ended began with scrambled eggs at melissa's house in the morning and lock-ins doing karaoke with Olivia Coleman.

That is a good day.

Yeah, it was a really good day.

No matter what happens in the middle, that's a good day.

And I had a 40-minute conversation with Barbara Streisand in the middle of it at the governor's ball.

So yeah, win-win-win-win-win-win-win.

So who's the best?

You've asked me who's the person that you were most excited to meet.

Who out of both of you is the person that you either want to meet or have met that you thought, wow, I can go to my grave now.

I don't know, for Adrian's on the pod, it was Ainsley, right?

We weren't to get Ainsley on the pod.

Ainsley Harriet was

our dream guest for a long time.

Ainsley was.

Yeah, we wanted Ainsley on the pod.

I think in terms of like.

And did Ainsley deliver?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Did he ever?

He knows what he's there for.

Did he ever?

He brings it.

He brings Ainsley.

Yeah, yeah.

It was recorded delivery.

Yeah, so there's nobody left now.

There's nobody that you have your sights on.

We haven't replaced

the wish.

Kathy Burke and the Rock.

Oh, yeah.

We've been trying to get Kathy Burke since day one.

We've been trying to get Kirk.

And why won't she do it?

She's just...

She's a brilliant guest.

I mean, she's amazing, isn't she?

She's amazing.

Some people just don't have the time.

They can't make it work date-wise.

Who knows?

But we never, yeah, I mean, The Rock.

Kathy Burke and The Rock.

If ever a film came out and the two leads were Kathy Burke and The Rock, I think I would pre-order it on Blu-ray.

Without even seeing it.

So you would like Kathy Burke and The Rock in here?

At the same time.

At the same time.

And then workshop a film separately.

I'd be happy to take them separately.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

But maybe on a day like today when we're doing like a bunch in a row, having them back to back so they can meet each other.

Yeah.

Because sometimes, you know, you have guests who are back to back and they do meet each other one on the way in, one on the way out.

And it's quite nice to see, you know, Jack McBray meet Pose McGowan for the first time.

Yeah.

And it's quite nice to be present at that.

So, you know, I'd like them

back to back.

The Rock meets Kathy Burke.

See them have that conversation.

Then my life would be complete.

So if I can persuade Kathy Burke to come on here, I don't know The rock.

What would I get in return?

Oh, what would you get?

Some sort of plaque.

I think you would get a plaque that we would make sure that you're.

Yeah, Ben the producer's nodding with his headphones on.

I was going to say, we'd make sure that Richard gets his dream meal for real.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's a deal.

Without the seagull.

Yeah, without the seagull, but we can make sure you get

a little bit of a drink.

Listen, we're invisibly shaking hands on the idea.

Angel cook it for you.

Okay.

It's done.

And you're going to have a plaque as well.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Bit of everything.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep, get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In and MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to then-current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

Let's be real.

Life happens.

Kids spill.

Pets shed.

And accidents are inevitable.

Find a sofa that can keep up at washable sofas.com.

Starting at just $699, our sofas are fully machine washable inside and out.

So you can say goodbye to stains and hello to worry-free living.

Made with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics.

They're kid-proof, pet-friendly, and built for everyday life.

Plus, changeable fabric covers let you refresh your sofa whenever you want.

Neat flexibility?

Our modular design lets you rearrange your sofa anytime to fit your space, whether it's a growing family room or a cozy apartment.

Plus, they're earth-friendly and trusted by over 200,000 happy customers.

It's time to upgrade to a stress-free, mess-proof sofa.

Visit washablefas.com today and save.

That's washable sofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Let's get on to your dream side dish.

You've got all this lovely seafood barbecue seafood platter.

What are you having on the side?

Big tub of homemade mayonnaise.

Which I've already mentioned.

That's a side dish.

The side is the big tub of mayonnaise.

I don't need anything else.

Absolutely big enough.

Tub of mayonnaise.

Big tub of mayonnaise is stinking in the sun.

There's something so luxurious and then just quite sort of carnal as well of like getting a big bit of lobster and taking a whole lobster out of the shell and then dunking it into that big bowl of lemon mayonnaise, just dunking it in, mould and salt sprinkled on top of it and then stuffed it.

I've got a bag of it in my pocket which I keep with me at all times.

Molden salt.

Oh, because the mayonnaise.

Well it's a lemon mayonnaise you got a bag of.

No, because just for the listener, that is a uh that bag.

What's that made of, the bag?

What material?

Oh it's a calico bag with a union jack.

That has a union jack on it.

It's full of salt that you always carry around in your pocket.

Everywhere because any any restaurant, anybody's house that I've ever been into, they say, oh, no, no, it's all salted in advance.

You go, no, believe me, it never has enough for me.

When you were checking the barber streissended, was the bag of salt in your pocket?

It was, yeah.

That's great.

It was, because we'd just been at the governor's ball dinner.

And so, yes, it was there.

It was always there all night long.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I love that.

There's some place if you walk in and say you've got a bag of salt in your pocket, they're going to really misinterpret what you mean by that, Rich.

Let's just show a bit circle.

Yeah, well, I've been through the airport, you know, hand luggage, and you have to explain what these white crystals are in there.

But I should have shares in Molden salt, honestly.

Molden's gold standard stuff.

Gold standard.

We both really got into Hallen Mon as well, which is a fantastic Welsh salt.

Oh, I don't know about that one.

I'm not that, Richard.

Yeah, it's very, very good.

I don't know how dedicated you are to the Molden brand, but how many of you have it?

Oh, completely.

Yeah.

I should have shares in it, the amount of money I've spent on it.

What's the one?

Welsh one is called what?

Hallen Mon.

Helen Mon.

Can you say that with a Welsh accent?

No.

No, I need a coach.

Yeah, okay.

Let me get on the floor, boy.

Let me get on the floor and I can do it for you.

Well, let's go into your dream drink then.

Your dream drink to go with this meal.

Just resisting doing it.

Freshly squeezed orange juice and a glass of ice.

So many whipped alcohols.

Yeah, yeah, obviously.

Sorry, we were too busy thinking about whipped now.

Freshly orange juice.

Fresh squeezed orange juice and a glass of ice.

Oh, lovely.

So why are they separate in this case?

Because

if you order, I always ask for the glass of ice separately in a restaurant because otherwise they'll give you the glass with the ice already in it, with about a thimble full of orange juice or whatever the drink is.

Yes.

Whereas if it's separate, you get the full glass.

And then you can make it as cold as you want.

As you go.

Yeah, and it's not diluted by the time it's come from the bar to you by ice and water and all that.

So that's why.

Lovely.

And it's freshly squeezed.

Yeah.

Always.

So where's the because like there was a place?

You know the orange, right?

Here's something I don't think we spoke about on the podcast before that I'm quite excited to speak about, but maybe we have spoken about it.

But there are some places that have an orange juicing machine that looks like a Woolly Wonka contraption.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where it's like being flipped, it's like a Wolletton Grommet fan.

Absolutely.

It's like the wheels

are covered all around.

And that...

That is the best orange juice.

It is the best orange juice.

I love it.

And I know because I did a documentary series called Hotel Secrets for Sky Atlantic about 10 years ago.

And I stayed at the Gritty Palace on the Grand Canal in Venice.

and they took me into the kitchen because I said this is the best fresh orange juice I'd ever drunk and they said this this is the machine and it was exactly what you've just described.

I love those with all the gestures too which you know your listeners can't can't actually see.

Yeah I remember the first time seeing that at a place in near Finsby Park.

Josh Whitticomb is a fantastic comic you've probably heard of him.

We both lived around there as open spots and we'd go to this cafe to write together every time and try and figure out how to be funny and they had one of those machines there and I remember seeing that machine for the first time and going, I bet the orange juice is shit from there.

It's all bells and whistles.

It's all just a big fit.

That's what I thought.

All theatrics.

It's going to be bad.

Had a glass there once.

Absolutely blew my mind.

So happy.

Didn't want any material that day.

Should have.

Exactly.

Should have.

I could have used it now.

But you're so full of vitamin C.

Yeah.

That's a secret of your beautiful skin.

Yeah, that's exactly.

Orange juice.

You could have done a bit about those machines.

That's a very you bit to do.

Yeah, yeah.

I think I was worried that not enough people would know the Wallace and Grommet orange juice machines.

But, you know, maybe, maybe now.

It's easy time.

Are you squeezing it at home?

Yep, I am.

I'm squeezing one out at home.

What are you using to squeeze?

Because you don't have one of the contraptions, do you, Richard?

No, I've got one of those that cost about $5.99 from Robert Dias.

Yeah.

A little white thing, and you just...

you know, you press the orange on the top of it and it goes,

and it squeezes everything out of it.

Oh, yeah, move sound itself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's good.

Because then you get everything out.

Well, my dad bought me a juicer, but it's one of those ones that's just more like an ornament.

I don't think think we've ever used it.

It's like

stainless steel, like Philippe Stark thing,

exactly.

It looks like a sculpture.

Looks like a sculpture of a rocket.

Yeah.

And the juice runs down the legs.

Yeah.

It's a whole lot of bollocks.

It's pointless.

Yeah.

Looks nice.

It looks lovely.

Yeah.

I love the spress.

When you squeeze something like that citrusy fruit.

Yeah.

The smell, the immediate smell.

Oh, is that?

Something like it.

So I assume you would choose alcohol for your dream drink.

I guess I would.

But listen, this is the first time we've had orange juice on the podcast as the dream drink, which is exciting.

I mean, you're right in assuming a lot of people choose booze, some people don't, but like, we haven't had a lovely, freshly squeezed orange juice before.

And I think a lot of people listening to this are going to feel seen because, like, I think it's a hugely popular drink, but it's never been represented on this pod.

Anything you want to say to all the orange juice heads out there?

Squeeze on, baby.

Just squeeze me till my pips squeak.

So we arrive at your dream dessert.

Christmas pudding.

Yeah.

Straight in.

Straight Christmas.

No matter what.

This is my dad's dream dessert.

Yeah, I eat one once a month because in January they are literally throwing them outside stores on sales.

They're giving them away because nobody wants them.

And so

I have, yeah, I've got an enormous supply of them.

Wow.

I've got a pantry and I eat them once a month.

I have to ration myself because otherwise I would be the size of

Father Christmas.

Yeah, exactly.

Father Christmas.

I think there's nothing like a Christmas pudding.

Oh, and it divides people.

There are many people who loathe it.

I love Christmas.

I've come to like it.

I don't think I liked it when I was younger, and now I absolutely love it.

I'm glad I didn't like it.

I'm glad I've been able to appreciate it more now.

Yeah.

And I hope that continues for the rest of my life.

I hope there's food that I think is garbage now that I like in 10 years' time.

I don't want to upload.

I'm going to be so bored, man.

Yeah.

20 years ago I belonged to the pudding club of England

where you could you would meet once a month and then they would just bring out you know a tiny amount of food at the beginning as a starter and then platters of bread and butter pudding, queen's pudding, tonahoe, all of those, sticky toffee pudding and you would just eat that, gorge on it.

Well, where do I join that club?

How much?

Why have they not reached out to me?

I don't know.

I should be the president.

You should be.

I love it.

Are you having custard or brandy butter or double cream?

What are you having with this?

No dairy no custard no double cream absolutely revolting um brandy olive oil uh no brandy allergic to alcohol but uh lychee sorbet oh to just make it wow just bring in a bit of cold and something slightly acidic against that incredible rich

dark delicious fruit of the gods yeah Ed's dad, so I believe,

because Ed's told us on, I believe, I might be wrong here,

that Sue Perkins chose Christmas pudding as her dream deserves.

Your memory is mad.

If I've remembered that right.

Sue Perkins.

I might have.

Did she?

Yeah.

Yeah, she did.

She's a goddess.

Sue Perkins chose Christmas pudding.

During that episode, Ed said that his dad and his passes down to Ed will, on Boxing Day, probably a few days afterwards as well, just cut up rectangles of Christmas pudding and fry them in butter and eat them.

And at the time, my girlfriend had made a massive Christmas pudding at Christmas and bought a Marcon Spencer's massive Christmas pudding as a backup in case that one didn't work.

And then we went somewhere else for Christmas to a different relatives and had two massive Christmas puddings.

So by March or whenever we're doing the Sue Perkins interview, I still had loads of Christmas pudding.

Ed said that made me go, I've got to try that now.

And then I think for every day for too long, I was frying Christmas pudding in butter and eating.

Fried Christmas pudding.

It is

one of the greatest.

But my problem is that I've never managed.

I have at other people's houses, but if I've had Christmas pudding at home, I've eaten the whole thing, so there's never been leftovers to then fry up.

But I have, I know exactly what you're talking about because I've had it at other people's houses.

Yeah, yeah.

So good.

Oh, food of the goals.

Have you had one this month yet?

No, I have I'm having it at the end of the month.

This is always the end of the month.

How does it feel eating Christmas pudding, say, in July or August?

Glorious.

Absolutely perfect.

No problem whatsoever.

It's like drinking something ice cold, you know, in the middle of deepest, coldest January.

It's no problem for me.

Yeah, I found that.

I found eating that Christmas pudding in the middle of the year actually made me feel even better.

Yeah.

It's a little bit of mouth full of happiness.

You just feel so good.

And you're like, no one tells me what I can and can't do.

Yeah.

These are my rules.

Yeah, and

there's something

almost indecently pleasurable about the fact that you're doing it at the time of the year when you're not supposed to be doing it.

Even though I'd be doing it every once a month, you know, for years and years and years, I still get that tingle of thinking, well, it's like Christmas Day all in one in the middle of July.

How many chapters of A Pocket Full of Happiness are about you eating Christmas pudding?

75.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now, Richard, see how you feel about it.

You would like ice-cold, sparkling water in a glass full of ice.

Yes, please.

Pop-ums or bread, you would like a lovely bread with some olive oil.

Yes, please.

Starter, linguini with fresh white crab meat, medium chili, and lemon and olive oil.

Main course, barbecue seafood platter, lobster, giant prawns, and squid with garlic butter all over it.

Side dish, a big tub of your homemade lemon mayonnaise.

Drink, freshly squeezed orange juice, plus a glass of ice and dessert, Christmas pudding with lychee sorbet.

The dream, the absolute dream.

I'm living the dream.

Sounds great.

That is so nice.

The garlic butter.

Yes.

Oh, he's got another question.

Yes.

Are we okay with the butter?

Doesn't that need to be cooked?

Yeah, because if it's cooked, you know, I cook with butter, but I would never put butter on bread.

I see.

So it's the...

Yeah, it's just cooked in.

So if you, you know, I cook steak,

cook it in butter, there's nothing, nothing.

You could do Christmas pudding cooked in butter.

Oh, yeah.

But I certainly couldn't put a slab of cold butter on top of a piece of Christmas pudding

on a piece of bread without doing that gagging.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

My dad could do that.

I guess if you're cooking steak in butter, that is like putting it back in the udder, right?

Yeah,

it is indeed.

Yeah.

Yes.

Great segue back to that.

Yeah.

Every time I cook a steak, I shout, Reunited, at the top of my voice.

Long time don't say.

Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant, richard thank you very much for having me it's been delicious

richard e grant there james wonderful what a delight delicious menu lovely to hear his stories as well wonderful friendly guy everything you'd hoped for truly charming didn't say lighter fluid so we didn't have to kick him out the dream restaurant of course thank god for that but he was never going to say lighter fluid no although how did he like the barbecue uh oh we didn't ask that kick him out you must go and buy richard e grant's new book a pocket full of happiness it's published on 29th of september that's tomorrow 2022 in hardback and it's published by simon and shuster and it's also available in e-book and audio formats

oh lovely keep squeezing motherfuckers no is that what you said yeah

no squeeze me baby squeeze me baby

keep squeezing baby

baby

squeeze me till my pip squeak oh Oh, yeah.

Squeeze me till my pips squeak.

I like that.

I like squeeze me till my pips squeak.

I'm on tour, Ed Gamble, Electric.

Do go and check that out, edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

And I'm always knocking about.

So go just have a chat with James.

Yeah, just have a chat.

No, no, leave me alone, actually.

Yeah, leave you alone.

Go buy your book.

Yeah, yeah.

If they like, guide to quitting social media.

Right, it's not me, is it?

It is him doing this now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I'm completely, my brain's not working.

Yeah.

My brain is absolutely not working.

I turned it on for the actual interview, gave it all I had, loved it.

Yeah.

And then as soon as we stopped speaking to Richard, I turned it off again.

Yeah, gosh.

And my brain's just not working.

And I apologise to the listeners, you know, it must be frustrating.

But listen, this room that we're sitting in is boiling.

We've been here all day.

I've got sweat patches the size of dinner plates under my arms.

It's

tough stuff.

Yeah, tough stuff.

You know, I'm woozy.

I'm tired.

I'm thinking, do I go to the gym tonight?

Do I not go to the gym tonight?

You're not going to the gym tonight, man.

Probably not.

I'm going to carry on watching the Sopranos.

In case you're wondering, it's 2022.

It's 2022, just so you know, I'm halfway through season one.

Thanks very much for listening to the Off Many podcast.

I mean, we're offering refuels.

No, that's the godfather.

We'll see you next week.

If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, thank golder!

Because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

Made for your chicken favourites.

At Participating McDonald's for a limited time.

Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of off-menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what...

Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims, and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok at Off Menu Podcast.

On YouTube, you can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes, so you can see every single nuance on our little faces.