Ep 162: Matt Lucas

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep.

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And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

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Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

Welcome to the Off Menu podcast.

Pouring half a pint of the lager of the internet, topping it up with half a pint of the cider of friendship, adding a dash of black current of humor and sipping down the snake bite of the podcast.

Apple steak.

Did you say I'm a steak there?

I'm a snake or I'm a steak.

I'm the snake.

I'm the snake.

I thought you said apple steak first of all.

Apple steak.

So that's our new off-menu catchphrase.

Apple steak.

Ooh, apple steak.

Whenever anyone makes a really good choice on the off-menu podcast, we go, ooh, apple steak.

As if our guests need to feel any more alienated from us.

Yeah, us constantly throwing out references that only the listeners would get.

Yeah.

Ooh, apple steak.

Also, just interviewing anyone now, if anyone says something that I know you're just going to enjoy the sound of, or a word that I know that you'll think is funny, just look at you straight away.

Or what me and Benito have started doing, if you use a word, James, that we've never heard you use before, like an interesting word, we look at each other like, oh,

well done.

Yeah, that is what tip to all podcasters actually.

Keep everyone's expectations of you so low that your co-host and producer will go, oh, well done, whenever you use a word they have known that you do.

Yeah, because it's always a word that we know.

Yeah, sure, you guys know it.

Be like, well, well done.

Andy used it in the right context.

Well done.

Also, you'll notice that every time either me or James asks a good question, the other one will always compliment them on the question.

Yeah, good question.

Well done.

I would like, you know, listeners now, if you make a particularly nice meal or you go out for dinner and, you know, the plate comes along and it looks delicious, film yourself next to the food going, ooh, apple steak.

Apple steak.

And tweet it to at Off Menu Official.

Please do.

We'd absolutely love that.

But enough of this.

This is the Off Menu podcast.

Ed and I, we own a dream restaurant.

We invite a guest in every single week.

We ask them their favorite ever start, a main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest

Lucas.

Matt Lucas.

Are we edging into potential Nash Trej?

Well, he doesn't need an introduction, that's for sure.

We're going to give him one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, you know, George Dawes on Shooting Stars.

Oh, my goodness.

That seems like ages ago.

Bake Off now, of course.

Incredible stuff.

You know, very exciting.

A new series of Bake Off starting soon, of course.

Yeah.

Of course, I competed competed against Matt in Bakoff.

You did, because someone...

Are they remaining nameless?

No, I believe within the canon of Bakoff.

I don't know who it was who dropped out, but in the intro they said it was Barack Obama.

So let's just stick with that.

Wow.

That would have been big head.

You've been up against Barack.

Well, I was happier to be up against Matt, actually, because I love Matt.

I think he's great.

And it was good to go head-to-head with that guy.

Yeah.

Were you feeling okay him coming in now?

Is it an old enemy?

Well, I feel neither of us won, is the thing, so I don't feel aggrieved with that.

Stupid example one.

I thought I came second, but then when we had Paul Hollywood in the dream restaurant, he did seem to suggest that Matt did very well as well.

So I think I might have come third.

I beat stupid Annie Mac.

Should have asked Paul Hollywood if I came second or not.

I didn't get to ask him that.

I think we know you did.

We know you did.

Yes.

We do know we did.

But listen, hey.

He's on the podcast.

We're excited about that.

Sure.

But as always, if someone does choose a secret ingredient, ingredient that we don't like most of the time, then we will kick them out of the dream restaurant.

Now, this week we've not gone for one we don't like.

No.

But we have gone for one that is relevant to Matt.

And maybe this is even quite cruel because maybe it will result in him getting kicked out.

But we couldn't resist choosing the secret ingredient this week, baked potato.

Apple steak.

What?

Apple steak.

Baked potato.

Baked potato.

Thank you, baked potato.

Also, though, I think if he says apple steak, we should kick him out as well.

Yeah, okay, fine, fair enough.

But just because, you know, just because it's the first, this is the first appearance of apple steak on the pod.

So we could get rid of it.

But like, you know, he does the song Thank You Baked Potato.

Yeah.

It's a classic song.

Everyone loves it.

So I think it would be, you know, just quite fitting.

Very fitting.

Well, when we had Mike Skinner in, I believe we, did we, was it plenty of fried tomatoes?

I think.

Yeah, we did plenty of fried tomatoes and Mike Skinner.

So yeah, sometimes we, but, you know, I mean, baked potatoes are a popular dish.

If you ask Tom Davis, it's the best of the potatoes.

Yeah, but that guy.

Yeah, yeah, he was wrong.

He was wrong.

But then again, he was also right about other things that's true i want to thank tom get davis for shouting out hitchin's barn yeah um because i went there for a meal on his recommendation and it was absolutely delicious so a little bit of a shout out there but you had the souffle of the day i had the souffle of the day it was mind-blowing actually do you know what every course was mind-blowing i had a rhubarb trifle for dessert which absolutely blew my socks off yeah had some delicious lamb for main course with these uh amazing potatoes it was a such a good meal so yeah i i i would second that We don't often do little dinner roundups, do we?

No, no, but just because we mentioned Tom, it just reminded me that like one of the absolute perks of this podcast, and there are many, are that we get little food recs from the guests.

And sometimes...

And I don't know about you, Ed.

When I'm sitting in a restaurant that's been shouted out on the podcast by a guest, I get extra excited.

I don't know how the listeners feel if they ever do that.

They go to somewhere where it's been recommended on the pod, but I'm always there and it feels extra special that I'm at somewhere that got recommended on the pod.

I tell you what, Shaq Fuyi the other day popped in.

Of course course they do, always going in.

Love it to bits.

Still great.

Yep.

Went in there the other day.

We're in the, we sat on a table.

There were two other tables either side of us.

One table got up to leave, came over and went, love the podcast.

That's the reason why we're here.

Yeah.

We had such a good meal.

They left.

And then we went to leave and the table that was on the other side of us went, love the podcast.

That's the reason we came here.

Man, we got to get shares in that place.

We've got to get shares in that place.

We've got to get shares there.

I mean, you know, I love going there still.

And every time I go there, there's somebody who says that.

Yeah.

And I'm like, hold on a second.

I'm looking around.

The fuck is this?

So let's see if Matt Lucas recommends some restaurants, then we can go and get excited about it.

Please.

Before we get into the episode, I want to say that I am back on tour September to November, back doing my show Electric all over the country.

35 more dates, including a massive date, the Hammersmith Apollo on the 22nd of October.

Edgamble.co.uk for tickets, going loads of places.

Manchester Opera House, Dublin Vicar Street, Belfast Ulster Hall, Glasgow Pavilion, to name but a few.

Edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

Also, my brand new book has just come out, James Acass's Guide to Quitting Social Media, Being the Best You You Can Be, and Curing Yourself of Loneliness, Volume 1.

It's available now, wherever you get your books.

I'm very proud of it.

It's the silliest book I've ever written.

Ring-a-ding-ding.

Ring-a-ding-ding.

But for now, here's the off-menu menu of Matt LeLutas.

Welcome, Matt, to the Dream Restaurant.

My pleasure.

Welcome, Matt Lucas, to the Dream Restaurant.

I've been expecting you for some time.

It's exciting to have you in the Dream Restaurant to pick your dream meal.

Thank you.

Do you eat it?

Is it really exciting?

I'm excited.

If it's just me and you're excited, your levels of excitement are

quite low levels of excitement.

No, they're quite gettable.

Well,

we've got more gettable people.

Are you you excited to be in the middle?

I am excited to be here because

obviously I've met you before

and I enjoy your work.

Thank you.

Your comic stylings.

Likewise.

Your comedic stylings.

But I'm a big fan of James as well.

And I don't think I've ever met you.

We've never met?

No.

So I was like, you know, it's nice to know that I was coming here to see you.

and I was going to meet you and I was going to be in the vicinity of the Great Benito.

So those three things together.

Very exciting.

All three of those are exciting.

And by the way, I don't think I've ever said that I enjoy your comedic stylings.

I don't want you to know that I do.

Thank you very much.

I also enjoy your comedic stylings.

Thank you.

Enjoy your comedic stylings.

Well, I just enjoy comedic stylings.

Yeah.

They're good.

I like stylings, but I love comedic stylings.

Comedic stylings.

My favourite sorts of styling.

What's your least favourite styling?

Hair styling.

Because I don't have hair.

So do you actively hate other people styling their hair because you don't have any?

I hate other people.

You're going to fit in really well here.

Can I open my can of drinks?

I just quite like to have some.

Yeah, definitely open the can of drinks.

Here we go.

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

That was a real proper.

I tell you what, they can use that on Radio 4 or something.

Yeah.

Because that was proper stuff.

That was ASIC.

That sounded like a can opening.

So you hate other people?

I'm not wild about them.

Sure.

Hate's a strong word.

With your dream.

I don't like other people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With your dream meal.

Are you eating that alone?

Yes.

Yeah, yes.

Well, actually, I hadn't thought about whether I would eat it with anybody.

Yeah, I'll probably have it on my own.

Yeah, why not?

It's nicer, isn't it?

I think that's probably 50-50 with our guests, really.

I think a lot of people like to just eat alone.

I'm the same as well.

I quite like a, if I'm having a massive meal, if I'm really going to town, I don't want anyone else to eat it.

I like to eat alone.

Yeah.

I like to go to the theatre alone.

I like to have sex alone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The big three.

The golden triage.

I think we can tell, like, from my guests, like, from, you know, when they say they want to eat alone or they really want to eat with people and we can tell like how well they did during lockdown.

That's my theory.

I was alright.

Although I put on so much weight

I thought I'm no longer be able to fit on the TV screen.

So

then I lost some weight, but I basically made roast potatoes every night.

Yeah.

And I made them, I started making them in different shapes.

Oh.

Because you don't, I mean, roast potatoes are just, you don't really get sort of busy with different shapes shapes of roast potatoes.

It's not a thing.

Yeah.

So I started doing that.

And I started.

I got some of the shit.

Yeah, we got some of the shit.

I got an apple core.

And then I started coring the roast potatoes just to, just to

see.

So you have like cylindrical roast potatoes.

Yeah.

Cylindrical roast potatoes.

So this is what I do, right?

So I'd use the apple corer, right?

So that I'd get...

roast potatoes that were like the shape of were like a pipe shape like a tube yeah but then i'd also roast what was left

which was a potato with a giant hole in it.

Yeah.

Like a doughnut.

Yeah.

Like a doughnut.

Yeah.

Like an oblong doughnut.

Yeah.

So a deep doughnut.

And if you didn't put anything in the hole in the middle, you could, I guess, put some other ingredients in there.

I should have done.

And

had I carried on on this journey, I'm sure I would have even put other potatoes inside those potatoes.

Pipes of mash in there.

That's where I was going.

But once I realized I was sort of making roast potatoes in different shapes, I realized I had a problem.

And that's when, that's when January 2021, when I stopped with the roast potatoes and all those things.

But yeah, it was good times.

Greasy.

I took in a lot of grease.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, especially if you're like coring the potato, what you're doing is you're actually increasing the surface area for the grease to attack.

That's right.

Well, that was the whole

aim.

On the inside and the outside.

I thought these arteries are a bit large.

They need clogging.

We always start with still a sparkling water.

Still water for me, thanks.

I don't know what it is about sparkling water.

It just has not a very nice taste.

I don't know what it does, but the bubbles change the taste.

Am I alone in that?

No, you're definitely not alone in that.

I think some people seem to be able to taste it and some people, it's a bit like the coriander thing or the cucumber thing.

Asparagus.

What's the cucumber thing?

Some people don't like the taste of it.

Some people can taste some sort of chemical in there or something.

I'm not wild about it.

It's more about the, I don't like the sort of alarming, incongruous change of texture that happens when you're eating cucumber and you get to the middle of the cucumber.

Yeah.

I don't like that.

It's unsettling.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, the apple corra could come in very handy with the cucumber then.

Yes, but

I only have so much time on my hands and I'm busy hollowing out roast potatoes.

What else do you think you'd like to use the apple cora on?

Not an apple.

Well, actually, I'm allergic to apples.

I'm allergic to raw apples.

So who got you an apple?

I ordered one myself.

Specifically for the potato experiment.

Whoa, you should have included that detail, because that's way more trash.

Yeah, because I don't.

Well, because there is no such, I don't think there's such a thing as a potato core.

No.

I think you've got like a stomach.

Yeah, yeah.

So

I'm anaphylactic with raw apples.

Wow, yeah, but I've realised that I'm all right with cooked apples, so I have a lot of McDonald's apple pies.

Yeah.

I mean, I do.

I like those.

I think they're quite nice.

You like them?

You got George Egg to pimp one up for you.

Yes, I did.

Yeah.

I did.

You've got Snack Hacker.

Yeah, Snack Hacker.

George Egg's Snack Hacker, which, if the listeners haven't watched that, should watch it.

It's on YouTube, I think.

Yeah.

And you wanted him to pimp up a...

McDonald's apple pies.

Yeah, and I did say to him, you don't really need to pimp them up because they're very nice already, but he did.

Yeah.

Yeah, difficult for the format if he just presented you with an apple pie I don't know

they're pretty nice I've not had one for years but I do remember them being very very nice apart from the obvious issue that everyone talks about with the McDonald's apple pie which is if you bite into them too early your mouths are right off yeah I think what they're doing is relying on the fact that you you're buying savoury first and so that apple pie is going to sit there for six minutes before

you get into it Would you do that or would you go specifically to McDonald's for the apple pie and tuck straight in?

Yeah,

more likely just for the apple pie.

I mean, I don't have it very often now, but in my youth, I'd have it as often as once or twice a year.

I don't think anyone's actually ordering a full, you know, multiple course meal at McDonald's.

You're not getting a main course and a dessert.

I'll get a burger and then for dessert, I'll have the apple pie.

I think most people are just going in for one thing, aren't they?

No, we know what you're going in for.

What's your...

Tell Matt your McDonald's order.

What's your junk of choice?

Well.

It's not even junk.

This is the problem.

Well, Matt.

We're just going in for the ketchup.

There's context required here.

Because I've only ever really been in McDonald's

in the last few years when it's really, really late at night and I don't want to feel guilty.

And I end up getting the grilled chicken wrap and a bag of carrots.

Is that the healthiest thing you can get there?

Yeah, yeah, I think so.

That's what it was.

And a lot of people who listen to this podcast, absolutely disgusted with me.

I forgot your body was a temple.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

Take your shoes off.

I mean, to be honest, the things that my actual actual favourite things at McDonald's are the nuggets.

Chicken nuggets.

Yeah, they're good.

And the milk.

The chicken nuggets.

The chicken nuggets.

This is the thing.

So

I haven't been in a McDonald's for a while, but I've had occasionally had them on Uber Eats.

But then they obviously arrive just a bit dry and

cold.

The nuggets are crying, you know, because they know that they're not at their peak.

So I think probably...

as grand as as those delivery services are you probably have to go into a McDonald's don't you You have to have a fresh.

That's probably what I need to do.

I haven't done that in a while.

It'd be nice to put a McDonald's chicken nugget in a cord roast potato in the middle of that.

Quite nice.

That's got you, hasn't it?

Well, listeners

obviously can't see, but I've just come.

Yeah.

They heard it.

Just like with the can.

Yeah.

In fact, Benito, if you could get the sound effect from the can earlier and just put it there in that bit so people could hear.

But can hear.

That's the same sound.

Same sound both times.

Yeah.

Poppa dumbs or bread.

Pop dumbs or bread, Matt Lucas.

Popadums or bread.

Oh,

pop a dumbs.

Yeah.

Yeah, poppa dums.

I like a poppa dumb.

I like the little drop of grease as well that's sort of sort of dancing around the surface of the poppa dump.

It does dance, doesn't it?

Yeah.

I don't think we've ever talked about the little drop of grease before.

Well, let's talk about it.

I love the little drop of grease.

I've got a question.

What does a poppa dum look like before it's been deep

Is it one of those things that's like the size of a 2p coin that then it massively expands?

That's genuinely how I imagine it.

You know, like in Back to the Future 2, where they're in the future and they get a tiny little pizza delivered and they put it in a rehydrating oven and it makes it massive.

That's how I imagine a poppa dumb being cooked.

But it can't be, can it?

I've worked in kitchens.

Yeah, but not

this is not from Fresh.

Have you fried poppadums?

I've fried poppadums.

Yeah.

I've put them in the deep fat fryer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I wonder what that smells like.

So, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I've fried mini poppadoms as well.

So mini pop-doms do start off, obviously, how you're talking, and they end up like it as well.

But do the pop-a-doms expand?

And are they flat?

And then, because they've got flat discs, there's like fairly opaque

in a way.

And then you chuck them in the fryer and then they puff up all the time.

They probably don't go in for that long, do they?

Not that long.

No, you want to be careful.

I've already told the story on the podcast, I think, about when the delivery man came in when I was frying poppadoms and sang Popadom Soldier at me to the tune of buffalo soldier

but um

that was a good day it's lovely to be reminded of yeah yeah yeah

fair enough were you working in an Indian restaurant then no I was working in a little village pub I can't remember why poppa dums on the menu I'd probably

get a pub a dumb yeah

pub a dumb here a week that's good what this way let's start it let's open a pub a dumb yeah yeah let's open a pub a dum so yeah they're basically the same size which is boring I like poppa dums I really do like them.

But I also think some of their appeal is just based on the pleasure you get from saying the word poppa dumb.

Yeah.

That's part of it, isn't it?

Yeah.

You did a character that has a similar sound in name.

Pompidou.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's something about the pee.

Do you think Pompidou would ever have a poppa dum?

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

It's quite, it's the plosive pee, isn't it?

Yeah.

Pop-pop-dum.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You really went for it there.

This is why, this is sometimes I wish this podcast was filmed because you really went for it.

Your lips.

You didn't see what your lips did, but it was mad.

They really vibrated in the air with slow motion.

I was the new Dizzy Gillespie in that moment, wasn't I?

My cheeks just puffed.

So yeah, I like, yeah, I don't mind a pop-a-dum.

Yeah.

Okay, well, bring those out.

You're still water.

Thank you.

I've got to be careful.

Don't want to ruin my appetite by just grazing on poppadums.

But that's the good thing about a pop-a-dum is that you can snap off a little bit.

You can have a couple of shards and then you'll be fine.

Whereas with bread,

if that's brought over to me, I'm eating the whole life.

Well, there is one bread that I love, which is the Jewish bread holler, because I'm Jewish and that is a really rich, doughy,

soft.

When you get a really great, fresh holler, that's something else.

Great, thick slices.

Where do you get a good holler from in London?

From a Jew.

Top tip for the least.

Top tip.

Any Jewish person.

Yeah, you get them

in kosher bakeries and things like that.

Yeah.

Generally.

Martin Spencer's used to do holla.

Really?

In

that shop in the one near

what's the name of a station?

Marlebone.

Near Marlebone.

Oh wow, that was amazing, wasn't it?

And

Marble Arch, near Marble Arch station, so actually not far.

And they don't do it in there anymore.

It was great.

They did really good soft holler.

Do you pine for lost food?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Big time.

We have a lot of guests pining on this pod.

Yeah.

Sometimes they choose lost food as part of their menu to so I can fantasize that they would get it and they'd yeah well like my desserts are lost food.

Right.

Things go away, things get taken off the shelves or taken off menus and you think, was I the only person enjoying that?

Is that why it's gone?

Well there's a thing that just came out not that long ago that's already disappeared which were gravy pots where you they're like from bisto yeah and you get like four of them and I haven't found them.

They were available for like a day

and you just put them in the microwave for 30 seconds or a minute and then you've just got the gravy there.

You don't have to, you know, have the whole issue of adding the powder to the boiling water and getting the quantity wrong and all the lumps and bumps.

It was just gravy.

It's just like a yogurt pot of gravy basically.

Yeah.

That's nice.

Would you be using it as gravy or were you?

I'd use it as yogurt.

Yeah.

Just get the food and go for it.

Yeah.

Lick the lid.

Lovely stuff.

Weren't they?

They were quite good because if you were in the pandemic, if you were ordering a,

I I don't know, a McDonald's or something and you wanted something to dip your chips in that was hot to kind of revive the fries.

Yeah, yeah.

They would be quite good.

Or you wanted something to put on your

cord potatoes.

Yes.

Or cylindrical potatoes.

A cord potato, like upright, so that the plate makes it a bowl.

Yeah.

Fill it with gravy.

Yeah.

And then dip the other potatoes into that.

That's good.

This cord potato thing, so you're making cylindrical potatoes.

Yeah.

Tom Kerridge's restaurant, The Hand Hand in Flowers, it's a two-michelin star restaurant.

Yeah.

Their chips are cylindrical.

Are they?

So if anything, you're a Michelin star chef.

Yeah.

I'm a double Michelin star.

You're a double Michelin star chef.

Exactly.

I always forget that about myself.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

Talk about refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing this summer?

A brand new phone with Verizon.

Yep.

Get a new phone on any plan with Select Phone Trade In MyPlan.

And lock down a low price for three years on any plan with MyPlan.

This is a deal for everyone, whether you're a new or existing customer.

Swing by Verizon today for our best phone deals.

Three-year price guarantee applies to then-current base monthly rate only.

Additional terms and conditions apply for all offers.

Let's get on to your meal proper.

Your dream starter.

Mutzaball soup.

I love a mutzaball's soup or canadloch as as we call them.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yes.

Brian Wilson likes them a lot and was stopped.

Dr.

Landy or Landy.

Eugene Landy.

Stopped him from having them.

Really?

Why?

Because they were a sodium bomb.

Aren't they?

That's what Landy said in the film I saw when he was being played by Paul Giamatti.

Oh, so you saw this in a film.

I was trying to remember when we had Brian Wilson on the podcast.

Yeah.

And he said, Mutzaball soup, but Dr.

Landy won't let me have him.

I saw Brian Wilson in concert a couple of times, and he's sort of, it's quite weird.

He doesn't really have a relationship with his own songs.

There's a song called, and he's sort of reading it, God only knows.

And he's sort of like reading it and straining his eyes to see what it is.

And I'm like, well, not only is it classic, but you wrote it, it's yours.

Mutzaball soup, lovely.

Lovely.

And I make it myself now.

Ah.

So I'd actually like rather obnoxiously and conceitedly to have my own mutzaball soup.

Oh, absolutely.

Well, it's chicken soup.

It's like a consummate, is it?

Very good.

Yes, it's chicken soup.

I mean, I can take you through the whole process.

Please, please, please.

Very dull.

Oh, no.

Our listeners will love it because people can then go away and make it themselves.

All right, okay.

So, this is what I recommend, right?

Okay, so what you need is, so I've got a giant pot because I was making this every week and it's a kerfuffle, right?

And it's probably 36 hours before from when you start making it to when you can eat, really start eating it.

And I was doing it every week and then getting four four portions out of it.

And so,

am I allowed to cough?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, one sec.

And then.

Imagine if we said no.

Wow.

And I was talking about my voice.

I got a bit like this as I've been holding in all the phlegm.

You know, the power that we had on this pot.

It's intense and

very sexual.

I bought a big 32-litre pot from Amazon.

I really recommend Amazon, by the way.

Oh, yeah.

It's very good.

It's a website.

And yes, www.

And is the dot?

Do you write out dot?

You write out the word dot.

The word dot.

Yes.

Short for dot cotton.

I used to do that terrible.

I used to say the EastEnders website is www.eastenders.cotton.

Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah, it's funny.

It'll never not be funny.

Sorry.

I mean, it'll never be funny.

So I buy this big pot from Amazon, and then I go to Panzer's Delicatessen in St.

John's Wood because there you can buy not just chicken, you can buy kosher chicken, right?

But also boiler chicken.

So what you're actually buying is quite an old chicken, which is quite lean, doesn't have a lot of meat on it, because it's really all about the bones and

it's, you know, and the giblets and all that kind of stuff.

So what I do is I've got this big pot.

And then

what some people do is they put the water in and they sort of boil, they bring the water to a boil with the chicken in it, in the pot, and then they skim the surface because all the that kind of foam, that coagulant.

You know, if you ever boil chicken in water, it just it foams up like a Matey bubble bath, but a kind of rancid Matey bubble bath, right?

Rancid Matey, yeah.

Yeah.

And some people skim that foam off, but what I don't do that.

What I do is I decant the chicken into another pot because I don't want any of that.

Yeah.

So the first 20 to 30 minutes of the boil actually

that you just see all the grease on top and everything and the foam and everything.

I'm just like don't want to get rid of that.

And that I think is when Vietnamese people make pho.

I always say pho, but it's pho.

That means pho, yeah.

Pho.

Or Japanese people make ramen.

I don't think they skim off the top.

They decant into another

pot, right?

Which is why the broth is kind of clear and lighter that way.

So what's going on is in the main pot, while the chicken is having its first 20 to 30 minutes being brought to the boil to get rid of the foam and the first bit of fat in the small pot in the big pot goes everything peeled carrots

celery onion spring onion leek

sometimes swede parsnip Yeah, those things right but I bought these things off again off amazon.com called soup socks which are small nets, right, that you wear while you're cooking, that you wear,

they're small nets, and you put all your vegetables into a net, and then you tie up the top, so it's like a sort of stocking with all the veg in it, right?

And what that means is that the veg doesn't sort of soften so much and sort of distributes around the soup.

It keeps it all together, and also means at the very end of the soup, you can take out just one big sort of sock of veg

rather than you're trying to sort of slowly yeah scoop out bit by bit by bit what are you doing with the sock of veg after you take it out right so we're not there yet slap some of it so i do um

uh well i'll tell you once the chicken has coagulated that's added to the main soup so we've got a giant pot with a whole chicken in sometimes two chickens yeah right and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads of vegetables in a sock yes then i add some salt and i add some pepper and a tiny bit of brown sugar and I add some Maggie seasoning.

You know Maggie's seasoning?

Yeah.

So sort of a bit like soy sauce.

If you don't have any Maggie seasoning, put a bit of soy sauce in.

And then I do add a bit of a cheat, some OSM chicken powder, which is like a sort of powdered stock.

And I add a bit of that for flavor.

And then I kind of let it all simmer.

I bring it to the boil and I let it simmer for several hours.

Oh, nice.

Several hours.

And then at the end of that, I take it off the stove and I let it cool down overnight.

And then the next day, and it's quite good actually if you make this in winter or when it's a cold day, because the next day you come and hopefully the top of the soup has sort of hardened a little bit.

The fat has risen to the top and hardened.

And then you skim all that off, takes a little while.

And that's your soup.

But what I don't do is use all those kind of mushy veg.

What I'll do is I'll boil new vegetables, put it in the soup when I'm having the soup.

And that is the most boring five minutes of your life.

No, it's really not, though, because I was there with you while you were making it.

That's this is

the bread and butter of this podcast.

Yeah, and I'll freeze it.

So then I put it into portions and I'll freeze it, and I might get 25 portions of that.

And I'll do that in October, and that's my soup for the winter.

And it's good for about six months, and then after that, it's not as good.

You can still eat it, but it's just not as good.

And then I'll make mutzer balls, which are the great, lovely sort of carb of the soup.

And I'll also add noodles and then I will add a carrot when I'm eating it and some chicken breast I'll add as well.

This is great.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

I was the other day I was thinking I need to learn some new recipes.

I was looking through some cookbooks that we got in the flat and anything that was that kind of thing of like, do this, leave it overnight, do this for answering.

And I was like, nope.

And I was going on to the next one.

But then, yeah, that's the cool thing.

And then when I hear about people doing it, I'm like,

well, the thing is,

the flip side of it is if you can but get a little if you've got room somewhere for a chest freezer where you can store 25 portions that you've made in this giant part or 30 portions even then you just know if if you've made a good batch then you know you've just that's you sorted for those winter nights yeah mozzables before we move on because i mean i feel like we should move on but I feel like a lot of people have been listening to us going, what are Mozables?

I feel like I have moved on.

Mozables

are...

Okay, so in the Jewish faith, and it is a faith because we don't know for sure

if there is a God.

Yeah.

It can only be described as belief, kind of feeling.

Yes.

We don't know for sure.

Yeah.

But faith is the best way.

Faith is the best word.

Jewish feeling, Mevari.

Yeah.

Jewish vibe.

In the Jewish vibe.

Yeah.

It doesn't work if, like, you know, religious people, you know, doing sermons and they go, I've got a feeling.

Yeah.

I've got a feeling, you know, guys.

I've got a vague sense.

Yeah.

I've got a feeling.

I've got an inkling.

You were a part of the Jewish inkling?

Yeah.

So there's an eight-day period called Pesach, the Passover, where because the Jews fled from slavery and

they didn't have time for their bread to rise, so they ate unleavened bread.

So during this eight-day period, you're not supposed to eat anything that has risen.

So things like pasta, bread, rice, things that expand, things that grow.

So matzables are made from unleavened bread.

So unleavened bread is obviously bread that didn't rise.

It looks basically like Jacob's cream crackers.

But what the mutzer ball is, is if you imagine taking one of those crackers and turning it into the tiniest granules and then adding some egg basically and some chicken fat and shaping them into little balls and then those balls set and then you put those balls into a broth, a soup and just boil them for a little while.

And they are delicious.

They're little sort of dumplings.

They are delicious.

Now I make them.

I kind of cheat.

I buy the pre-mixed balls that all you need to do is just add egg to them and then shape them into balls.

And they are delicious.

And most people like them really soft, tender.

I like them hard like bullets.

I just love them.

I want to ruin a teeth.

I love them.

But I also cheat and have noodles as well, which you're not supposed to have, obviously, during the Passover.

But I lost my inkling quite a long time ago.

So you can find noodle away.

So, yeah, it's it's kind of conceited, but I'm bringing my own starter to the restaurant.

Do you think I'll be charged sort of soup corkage?

Yeah, you might be.

I'm not sure.

Do we charge soupage?

Do we charge soupage?

Normally we don't, but then if it adds to the experience for you, we will.

We want you to, yeah.

Yeah, I'll tell you what will add to the experience is a really noisy fucking table next to me.

Yeah, yeah.

We can put some noisy

noisy men in suits going

like that.

Yeah.

So causing everyone else to have to raise their volume in the restaurant.

Even though you're by yourself.

I have once asked people to just, just, just, just turn the volume down in a restaurant.

And they did.

So much respect.

They were so loud.

And I hate loud people in restaurants unless I'm the loud person, in which case everyone can fucking deal with it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's not my problem.

Yeah, just get over it.

Just climbing your fence.

Yeah, get over it.

Also, it's a story for them, then, isn't it?

They went to it.

It wasn't, they went to a restaurant, there was a loud man.

They went to a restaurant and Matt Lucas was being loud.

Yeah.

They went to a restaurant and Matt Lucas told him to turn the volume down.

a bit just just just yeah

just take the edge off it thanks

let's get on to your dream main course all right my dream main course is a specific chicken chow main that I used to have when I was at university in Bristol

so I was at university and I used to do stand-up comedy as well and so I had a little bit of money like not I wasn't like rich

but I had a little bit of money and so you know instead of shopping in Summerfield I would go to M ⁇ S for and buy angel hair pasture and things like that now near where I was staying in my halls of residence there was a Chinese restaurant it was quite a nice Chinese restaurant very small and they used to do a lunchtime offer three courses four pounds ninety five bear in mind this is like 1993 1994 And there was a very sort of stern-faced man who I think was the only person in the restaurant in terms of, I think he took your order and he went and made your food, I'm pretty sure.

And I don't know whether he had a kind of a car parking space at the back, which was just in which was situated a mound of MSG.

I don't know what it was, but the chicken chow mein that he made was extraordinary.

And I've never tasted anything as good since.

The downside was that I was almost almost always the only person in the restaurant.

And I don't know if you've ever been to a restaurant for lunch where you're like the only person there, but you generally feel apologetic that you're sort of causing them to have to work

for very

reward feeling, right?

Whereas you just think like if you weren't there, they'd actually be able to sit and read the TV Times,

which is a better read than people realize.

You don't need to watch TV to enjoy the TV Times.

So I'm putting that out there.

Listings are fabulous reading.

And that's rubbish, what I've just said.

So ignore me.

But I used to sit there and he used to place the food down.

And then he used to just sort of stand and sort of watch me eat in a really sort of aggressive, irritated, just infuri that I was.

taking up his time for £4.95.

For £4.95, three courses.

Three courses were one spring roll, by the way,

about four prawn crackers,

this amazing chicken chow mein, and then a scoop of vanilla ice cream in one of those small sort of silver

upturned cups.

Yeah.

You know, and you don't normally get that as a grown-up in a restaurant, don't you?

One scoop of vanilla ice cream in one of those.

I mean, when I was a kid, and I've talked about this before, but when I was a kid, I'd go to like the Wimpy with my mum, and one of those scoops of ice cream would come in one of those little cups.

And my mum would do this thing because actually, you wouldn't know to look at me now, but I didn't eat much when I was a kid.

And my mum used to really have to sort of manufacture excitement when the food came.

So when the ice cream came, she'd go, Matthew!

Look at that!

What do you say?

Matthew!

Look!

Matthew.

Did you say thank you to the man?

Did you say thank you to the man?

Has he said thank you to you?

Did you say thank you to the man?

Two spoons, please.

And then she'd sit and proceed to eat my dessert.

And I'd go

like that.

I was going to try and prompt you for that earlier because I've heard you talk about it.

You've heard me do that before.

I love it so much.

Matthew.

Because I think that whenever I'm brought a dessert now, and sometimes I say it out loud.

But I don't know Edward.

I think Matthew.

What do you say?

Matthew.

Did you say thank you to the man?

So it was one of those scoops of ice cream, but he'd just sit there and like watch you and sort of wish death upon you while you ate.

But the chicken chow mein was glorious.

And when you were eating the chicken chow mein, were you showing how much you loved it?

And was the man just watching you in ecstasy?

Well, it was it was a weird thing because like normally if you're on your own in a restaurant you'd probably take in a newspaper to read wouldn't you or some pornography at the very least but you'd bring something in wouldn't you to just look at i mean these days probably look at your phone but you'd you'd bring something in but because he was sort of looking at me i never ever felt that i i could do that yeah so i just sort of sit there would you reference it would you sort of look over and yes i'd look over and i'd always delicious and he'd just look at me like i was an even bigger

and it was just a very strange experience.

But the Chowmain, to this day, I've never tasted anything quite so delicious.

And it must have been good.

If you kept going back, it made you knew this man would be sort of leering over you for the whole experience.

Yeah, it wasn't the sexual thing.

It wasn't sort of leering like he didn't, he kept his trousers on.

I think I meant looming rather than leering, actually.

Yeah, looming.

He was looming again.

He was a loomer.

Yeah,

he was a late loomer.

And but he made up for it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was just a lot of staring.

Yeah.

A lot of fury.

Yeah.

Would the plate be whipped away as soon as you'd finished?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Last year.

Andy Kaufman was a bellboy, a bus boy, rather,

in restaurants, even when he was famous.

You know, the American comedians.

He was such a sort of strange, quirky man.

And his thing was to take people's food away before they'd finished it.

And that was what he got his kicks from, which is very funny.

That was very funny, yeah.

When you had the man looking at you, would you have your mum's voice in your head of what do you say?

What do you say to them?

Do you say thank you to the man?

I didn't know.

I just felt very threatened.

But yeah, it was a strange, it was a strange affair.

I don't think there are restaurants there anymore, but I think the man probably still is.

He's still there, yeah.

It's a car park now, where he stood in the middle.

Just angry at customers for daring to patronise his establishment.

It feels like the sort of thing you'd find out after you left university that there was a Chinese restaurant there, but 20 years ago.

Yeah, exactly.

Or it's just something like you go there one week and you go, oh, where's the Chinese restaurant gone?

and somebody says that there's never been a Chinese restaurant here.

It's like the shining.

Yeah.

You're just in there and he's yeah, he worked there a hundred years ago.

It was good.

I mean I mean the other restaurant I've been to where the food was like slightly unexpectedly good was you know the Walsey restaurant.

So before it was the Walsey it's been lots of different things.

I think it was a car showroom.

I think it was a bank.

But for about

18 months, it was a Chinese restaurant and they used to do these pan-fried mushrooms there.

And they were so extraordinary that I used to take all my dates there.

And I used to think, well, if I don't get laid, at least I got the pan-fried mushrooms.

And I never got laid, but I did get the pan-fried mushrooms.

You always got the pan-fried.

They were delicious.

At the end of the day, you just walk away going, jokes on you.

I've got my pan-fried mushrooms.

Exactly.

Well,

yeah, it was.

It was.

You shouldn't have told your dates that while you're eating the mushrooms.

No, that was probably where

I left.

Jokes on you.

Yeah.

That's probably why I left a single man every meal.

Yeah.

In fact, I think it's quite

impressive if anyone goes on a first date and gets the phrase, jokes on you,

in there, anywhere, and walks away with anything.

Yeah, it's right.

I'm slightly uneasy that I've used the phrase, get laid.

Yeah.

It's a little bit sort of...

It's a bit American pie.

It's a bit stiffler, isn't it?

It is, yeah.

What I should have said is, get fucked.

Get a bloody good fucking.

Yeah.

I should have said that.

What do you say?

Get laid.

That's my main course.

Talking about lost dishes, actually, before we do move on.

Like, that's one thing.

The Shak Fu Yu mushrooms that they had when they first opened,

whatever sauce was on them was incredible.

I really missed them not being on the menu.

I've said it many times to the owners when I've been in.

They got one of those because at one point they were they said to me, oh, we're changing the menu soon.

Anything from the past you want bought, Bugs?

So yeah, those mushrooms.

He went, yeah, no, we're not doing that.

Okay.

The Toban mushrooms, what they call the bread?

I think so.

Oh, my God.

The best French fries I've ever eaten in my life were from this restaurant called La Maseria in the theatre district in Manhattan.

And I liked them so much, I wrote about them in my book, which shows how much time I've got on my hands.

And I went there two weeks ago and they've stopped doing them

and they just said oh yeah people complained about them I said no one complained about them I just thought you just can't be asked to do them anymore yeah they were soggy chips hot soggy chips and they were incredible why people might complain no they made them sound disgusting were they deliberately soggy deliberately soggy chips hot soggy chips they were the best French fries I've ever tasted they were a bit like actually five guys do hot soggy chips and they're amazing I find five guys fries are quite crisp but when they're in the bott I guess the bottom of the bucket

they do like yeah, they say just the bottom lots.

Hot fresh soggy chips are better than crispy chips, I think.

Do you think?

Yeah.

I think if you write about them in a book, then they should have to stay on the menu despite how many complaints are in.

Yeah.

And they know about the book.

No, because who am I?

But I'm not Fame Ashler, dear.

Have they made your your dream side?

Is your dream side dish your soggy chips?

No, so my dream side dish is Yorkshire pudding.

Oh yeah, here we go.

You've hit a real pod splitter here Matt.

I don't like Yorkshire puddings.

I love them.

Well screw them

And also let's face it the rest of humanity loves them and Ed is alone on this.

I think um you know whenever I see the New Year's honours list just before Christmas I always look and I'm always surprised that Yorkshire pudding hasn't made its way on there.

I'd respect it so much more than your years on his list if they've started putting food on there.

Yeah.

Yorkshire pudding, obviously.

Yeah, obviously Yorkshire pudding.

Yeah.

And Dame Chicken Manucket.

Me and my girlfriend were talking yesterday about...

Oh, put that in, didn't he?

Girlfriend.

Here he goes.

All right, mate.

Someone doesn't need the pan-fried mushrooms.

Yeah.

Sometimes I do.

Sometimes, yeah.

Can I recommend self-love?

It's It's fabulous.

So go on, you and your girlfriend.

There was a boy at my school, there was about 15, and he was the sort of handsome boy that lots of people fancied.

And I remember like jokingly, he was my friend.

And I kind of jokingly went, we were joking about something.

I went, huh, you wanker.

And he just went, I don't need to wank, Matt, because I've got a girlfriend.

And he said it so seriously.

Absolutely love it.

You must have lost your mind laughing at that.

But that made my day, isn't it?

No, because I wasn't yet laughing at things.

You know, you take life's very serious when you're 15, isn't it?

People take that, especially.

Really seriously.

So, to me, it was just like I was put in my place, is actually what was happening there.

So, sorry, you and your girlfriend, yeah, yeah.

Well, my girlfriend remembered the other day that one of her favorite moments of television, and we couldn't find it on YouTube, so that's a shame, but was when Adrian Charles hosted the one show, was interviewing Dame Judy Dench, but kept on calling her Jane Doody.

and he did it about four times oh that's so funny

I didn't I've never seen that that's the thing we couldn't find it on YouTube but it's like Jane Doody

I genuinely like the one show I just did a piece for them as like one of their reporters yeah not long ago I like I like it it's nice yeah yeah it is

you've all been on it I've I've done the one show a couple of must have done it I've not done it what I've I've got my first sweet Jesus what madness is this i'm gonna be on it for the first time that's why we were talking about it actually so i've got my first one show appearance coming up have you what are you gonna be publicizing um your girlfriend

and now we're gonna be speaking to james he cast who's got a girlfriend hello i don't need to wank

thank you james also it's just watching like someone like alex jones who will chat to you like in normal relaxed chat and then they'll be like you're on in one second she'll be like excuse me and then just like speak live to the nation.

Yeah, they're really good at it.

They're really good at it.

I wonder who which presenter you'll get will you get Ronan Keating will you get Harry from McFly who are you gonna get?

You might get Jermaine Jeanis.

Oh, yeah.

He's nice.

That'd be nice.

I've met Ronan Keating before on eight out of ten cats.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think we vibed very well

He likes barbecuing

Vice Man actually.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel good.

So if you didn't vibe that's on you.

Yeah.

Because I've met him and he's lovely.

He's lovely.

So don't place your deficiencies on other people.

I wasn't blaming Keaton for it.

I sensed.

Would you say Yorkshire puddings are like your favourite food ever?

No.

No.

They're a side dish.

But they're up.

Yes.

Let's use both of those in the chat.

No.

So I think they're pretty, yeah, I mean, they form part of...

It's a tough one, this, because I absolutely love roast potatoes as well, as we've discussed.

So it's it's a tough one but I've I've picked Yorkshire puddings despite Ed Gamble's hatred of them.

Yes.

What don't you like about them?

Because I can't even compute that shit.

I think they're taking up real estate on a plate that is better used.

What?

Better used by what?

More meat.

Prick.

You're speaking for the nation.

More veg.

You know, I feel like veg.

What you'd rather have

roast carrot.

Yeah, some roast carrot's nice, but you'd rather have roast past than a

bit more density, a bit more you know but I always knew there was something wrong

Also what is the what

like anything batter-based I don't like pancakes really either you know when I asked you about pancakes man yeah but Yorkshire puddings are just are old pancakes basically what about light batter when it's on like cod?

Yeah, like a bit of that.

Yeah.

That's more a suggestion of batter.

I like a light batter.

You're like a tempura.

Tempura.

Like a tempura.

Right.

Well maybe we need to just have incredibly light, almost hollow Yorkshire puddings.

Yeah, thin so like tempura a big tempura shaped Yorkshire pudding with nothing inside yeah I'd like that you idiot

so you you suggested it I know

guests are allowed to be rude hosts have to be polite that's how it works

so so oh well well look the one thing I'll give you is some career advice but aside from that I will give you that Yorkshire puddings are

variable

so you can go and you can have a delicious kind of solid Yorkshire pudding which has a crispy top and a kind of almost bread-like body and drenched in gravy.

I mean you wouldn't have it on its own.

But you can

also just have very disappointing Yorkshires that have been burnt to a crisp, that are just all crisp and no body.

So maybe you haven't had the right Yorkshire pudding yet.

It's a bit like gay sex.

We discussed that, didn't we?

So

you just haven't had the right Yorkshire yet.

And you like them?

I love them.

Absolutely.

They're delicious.

I never understand it.

When Ed talks about the real estate stuff,

I never connect with it.

I'm glad when guests bring up Yorkshire puddings or roast dinners on the podcast and he's got to say the real estate stuff again and get destroyed.

I mean, I could have

every time.

I could have Yorkshire pudding every day.

In fact, if you lose the word could from that sentence, you have an accurate depiction of my culinary habits.

I love Yorkshire pudding.

But the one thing I think we're sort of missing a trick with Yorkshire pudding is they're not very seasoned and I'm surprised nobody's come along and gone, oh chili Yorkshire puddings yet.

I mean I'm glad that they haven't because I wouldn't enjoy those but I'm surprised that the Yorkshire pudding hasn't been seasoned with with with the meat you know of the roast that you're having or or something you know maybe if the Yorkshire pudding was seasoned with carrot.

I think you've actually hit upon another reason why I don't like it.

They're quite bland.

Help me.

Refreshingly bland.

Reassuringly bland.

They're bland.

I think the chili, almost the chili, I think maybe like some Sechuan peppercorns in there or something, or spice them up a bit, bit of paprika in the batter.

That might make it a more redressive prospect.

Or sweeten them.

You know, imagine a Yorkshire pudding with a little bit of icing sugar and maybe some cinnamon.

That's a pancake, mate.

Yeah, I'd be excited about that.

I would love to go to a place and they do like, you know, dessert Yorkshire puddings.

Of course, you would.

And it's a sweet Yorkshire pudding and inside is obviously they put ice cream in there.

Marshmallows, chocolate sauce.

Oh, man.

I mean, I'm probably going to make that at home.

Yeah.

I'm going to probably come to your house.

Yeah yeah you're welcome.

Thank you very much.

Of course you're meeting me.

Me and

your girlfriend, which you can't see the quotes that I'm using here with my fingers.

Do you want to ladle some of the chow mein into your Yorkshire pudding?

No.

You don't want to be weird.

This is like, what did you say that for?

You guys are getting on so well.

It's weird.

You people are strange.

The opportunity is there.

No, I suppose you could.

I mean, you've got a kind of a double carb thing going on there because you've got noodles in Yorkshire pudding.

But I'd probably

give it a go.

The only thing I think is that Yorkshire puddings do need a gravy, and I don't know how glorious chow mein in gravy would be.

Actually, it'd probably be quite nice.

We can give you a little pot of gravy from

one of the lost pots.

Yeah,

for the Yorkshire pudding.

But what I'm saying is, once you then put the chow meining into that.

But yeah, maybe.

Maybe.

Yeah, maybe.

I think if you started putting your chow mein into a Yorkshire pudding, you'd turn around and the man from the restaurant would be three steps closer to you.

Yes.

And you wouldn't have noticed him creep up.

With a knife.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll give that a go.

I'll give that a go.

Won't be the first thing I do in life, but I'll give it a go.

Yeah, there'll be other things to do.

I like those two foods.

I do understand that they don't go together, but it's not my problem.

It's not your problem.

No.

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Dream drink.

now you've been glugging on a on a can there and before the podcast you announced it was your favorite drink and it's a new drink that's the other thing I've only come across it in the last couple of months yeah it's the Pepsi Max lime I am I I'm very partial to a Coke Zero but I always put lime into it because otherwise it's too sweet for me and you don't need to do it with the Pepsi Max lime it's already got the synthetic lime flavor so that's all I need have you tried the diet coke lime?

No.

And would you refuse to?

No, I wouldn't refuse to try it, but it just, it's not something I'd pursue.

Yeah.

It wouldn't be my first choice.

No, I haven't tried it yet, and maybe I ought.

The thing is, since Coke Zero came out, I've gone off Diet Coke.

You guys with me on this?

Not necessarily.

I find if I'm a bit parched or it's a hot day, Diet Coke's my go-to.

I find it more refreshing, more hydrating.

What than a Coke Zero?

Than a Coke Zero.

A Coke Zero, I like the stronger flavours, but I wouldn't drink it on a hot day.

I'd go for Diet Coke over Coke Zero.

So in the bake-off tent, I'm the Coke Zero boy, and Noel is the Diet Coke boy.

Ah,

a little bit weird.

And that's how...

You can sense that when you watch it.

You literally send a runner to get Coke Zero for me and Diet Coke for him.

It's clearly the same drink in a different can.

And you literally have to do that.

So we've discussed Diet Coke on the podcast.

It's one of my favourite subjects to talk about.

I like it whenever it comes up.

Last time we talked about it, we did our rankings and I was uh diet pepsi boy that was my number one diet pepsi and now

i think since we had that chat diet pepsi is now at the bottom of my league

and coke zero is at the top so fickle so i would go diet pepsi diet coke pepsi max coke zero right i did

i did a thing right so i was in uh lame as arab and there was uh my friend in the cast who played marius a guy called rub houchin really really funny guy And

we shared a love of sort of Diet Colas, whether it was Pepsi Max or Diet Pepsi or Coke Zero or Diet Coke or whatever.

And so one night we tried a cocktail.

We just thought, what happens?

So we made a cocktail of Pepsi Max, Diet Pepsi, Coke Zero and Diet Coke.

Tasted horrible.

Really?

Just didn't, yeah.

All the flavours fought each other.

Wow.

You know, it just didn't work.

So that's one in the eye for people who say they are the same drink, right?

Because you can't mix them all together.

No, you can't.

It just didn't work.

The other thing I drink far too much of is caffeine-free Coke Zero and caffeine-free diet Coke.

I get after about two in the afternoon,

I get caffeine worries.

The gold cans.

The gold cans or the caffeine-free Coke Zero.

They now do caffeine-free Pepsi Max, caffeine-free diet, Pepsi.

I have too much time on my hand at the same time.

Yeah.

But it's exciting that you've chosen the Pepsi Max line.

Yeah, it's because.

We spoke of our love of Pepsi Max cherry before.

I've tried it, not for me.

I do like a cherry Coke.

Yeah.

Very occasionally.

I'll do it once a year and once a year, maybe a Dr.

Pepper.

Uh-huh.

They now do Coke Zero Cherry.

Oh, yeah.

How's that?

Which is very nice, but I'm still.

Is that working out for you?

It's working out pretty well.

When I'm on the road, it's always my little road treat.

Yes, one of those.

But the Pepsi Max Cherry is still my favorite, if we're ranking the cherries.

Yeah.

It's fine.

I've got a friend who's very into Pepsi Max raspberry.

Yeah.

I love raspberry, but I haven't yet been able to sort of embrace that drink.

Yeah, I'm saying, same.

Same.

So, you know, in parts of Eastern Europe, instead of putting lemon or lime in their cola, they often put a slice of orange.

It's very nice.

I'm on board with that.

Recommend it.

So what edges it with the PepsiMax lime that you would have done that anyway?

You have put lime there anyway.

That's made it easier.

And you prefer Pepsi Max to Diet Coke?

Well, Pepsi Max to Diet Coke, but Coke Zero to Pepsi Max.

So actually what I really want is Coke Zero lime to come out.

I'm I'm very excited because I'm I was talking to Benito about this.

I'm going to go to Disney World for the first time.

Right.

There's a place in Disney World where they get, they serve all the Cokes from all over the world, all the different types of cookies, but it's all different in different countries.

And they serve all of that.

And I'm hoping that, you know, when you think about stuff like, oh, I hope that they do Coke Zero Lime, maybe they do do that somewhere in the world.

And that'll be in that little restaurant.

And that'd be it.

Well,

there are these machines.

So if I have a very small house now, but if I ever decide to buy a big house or i'd really like to build a house and the two i'd like to have a mr whippy machine put in the kitchen right because i'm not an idiot

and i would like to get one of those coca-cola freestyle machines that you see in america that is yeah to have one in my house there's some in the uk as well there's one i unless they've moved it

there was one in the burger king on leicester square really yeah with all even things like high sea in it all the american drinks the american raisin stuff in there yeah yeah well that's what i'd really like one of those in my house So are we going for a Pepsi Max Lime?

Or do you want your dream drink to be a Coke Zero with lime in it?

I'm going to go for Pepsi Max Lime.

That's it now.

Although I was just in America on my first pandemic holiday and I kept seeing adverts on TV for Nitro Pepsi, which is a new draft Pepsi that's smooth and creamy.

I couldn't find it anywhere.

And my friend was going to bring me back one in the suitcase, but you can't put cans of pop in your suitcase because of the pressurization of the cabin or depressurization or something.

I don't know.

I like a nitro thing.

They did nitro cold brew in Starbucks for a bit and it was like it was creamy.

It's almost like a sparkler tap that you'd put in for a John Smith's.

And I've had beer in nitro nitro taps as well.

It's really, really good.

I think butterbeer is like that.

Butterbeer, I think, is like that.

Yeah, you can get them at the theme parks and stuff.

Yeah, so I'm waiting for that Pepsi to come to come here.

That'd be great.

That kind of leads us on quite nicely to Dream Dessert.

You said at the start of the podcast, this is a lost dessert.

Yeah, so

I was going to say just whipped cream.

Not lost.

That was my original answer.

Interesting.

And I mean, that's a lost choice now because you're going to choose something else.

But can I just say I would have absolutely loved it if you'd picked just whipped cream as a dessert?

Well, it was just, it's just great.

Like, what?

There's nothing about whipped cream makes you go, oh, they should have...

I'll tell you what, this lacks.

It's not.

It's just fantastic.

And I don't think I've ever, ever had too much of it.

I don't think I've ever had any dessert that had whipped cream on that I ever didn't finish the whipped cream.

Yeah.

Right.

Or that I ever thought, oh, they've given me too much whipped cream.

You just never, it's just not a thing.

Whipped cream is amazing and we should have it more often.

Do you go straight out of the camera?

No.

No?

No, no, no.

Whipped cream.

I'm not talking about that ankle.

I mean, listen.

In my mind, it was squirty cream.

No, no, no.

Sorry, I've made a real mistake there.

Please leave the room.

I like that.

Yeah.

But that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about actual whipped cream.

But they've done it.

Yeah.

They've done it proper.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It's great.

It's good stuff.

And I don't, I'm confused why it's so sweet.

Did they add sugar to it?

I mean, they must have.

Yeah, I guess so.

I guess there's like, yeah.

I guess there's sugar in there.

Yeah.

Icing sugar, I guess.

I don't know, but it's just

glorious.

Yeah.

So I was originally...

Listen, my original answers were just Yorkshire pudding for Maine and whipped cream for dessert.

That's what I was going to do.

But I just thought it might be quite a short show.

So the dessert I'm choosing is Walls Romantica, which was

around in the early 90s.

And it's an ice cream cake in a kind of butterscotch flavor with a biscuity base.

And

I think, I feel like kind of some vanilla ice cream, some butterscotch ice cream.

It was delicious.

Now, it came and it went.

And it was glorious.

But I will say this.

There's something that's come out that has the same flavor.

which is the new, is it butterscotch Vianetta?

Right.

Right.

So they've finally realized that there's a gap in the market for that flavour

ice cream so that vienetta gives you a s an inkling an inference not an inkling we've yeah we've already established

his faith yeah it gives you a a sense of what the romantica was like it was a um go online now and in fact turn off this podcast

and go online now and do you remember that show why don't you um yeah why don't you tell it to tv set yeah do something else instead of that.

Yeah, why don't you?

Why don't you switch up your television set and go and do something less boring instead?

All right, yeah, gladly, just turn it off.

Um, I hated that show, but that was from an era where you hate-watched everything because there was nothing else to do.

Yeah, so there were three channels, so you just watch things that you hated.

This is before your time, boys.

Yeah, yeah, watch things that I hate, I hate it, still watch it, obviously.

No choice, not going out to play, that'd be ridiculous.

Yeah, Walls Romantica, it was great, lost ice cream.

cream Martin Spencer's in that mid 80s massively ahead of the curve they used to do a pot of ice cream like a kind of Hagen das pot and it was I can still taste it now it had pieces of fudge it had pecans in it had a kind of caramel running through it and it was before the ice cream revolution of of the 90s when hagendas came along and Ben and Jerry's and they started putting all these giant chunks of things in their ice cream and it was amazing it was probably the best ice cream I've ever tasted that sounds great that um walls romantica it was a good dessert you know what it sounds like a golden gay time I beg your pardon no a golden gay time is just on a stick isn't it yeah but it's biscuit and and and butterscotch ice cream well i've never had a a golden gay time in australia ah i see it's an australian thing and i think they've been discussed on the podcast before i don't i can't remember things we talked about i've had a shortcut they're nice they're very nice they're good so to me who hasn't had a walls romantica it sounds like that but is it not it's not really like that no no no it's imagine a big cake made of ice cream, like a biscuit base

with this chocolate.

Oh, have you found it?

I'm being shown a cake.

I think I've had Wolves Romantica before.

So you've got a big cake in there.

It's the sort of thing my grandparents bought when we went over for lunch, I think.

Yeah.

It was terrific.

Yeah, that looks good.

It's terrific.

And again,

if you're eating on your own, you don't have to share it.

It's great.

That's the same for everything, though, right?

Yeah.

And what would I have at the end of the meal?

You haven't asked me.

Yeah, yeah.

Would I have an after eight?

Maybe.

Do you want an after eight?

Yeah, kind of like.

One single after eight?

No, I'd have the box.

Yeah.

you know what i'll do though i'll put the empty wrappers back in the box just to annoy everyone else yeah yeah yeah oh to annoy yourself why has that not been talked about on the podcast before that is one of the absolute i mean one of the greatest tricks ever but um people aren't doing it as a trick if you look under the in the dictionary you look for the definition of malice yeah you find putting back empty after eight rappers

into the oh man there's nothing worse that is some shithousery there yeah

when it tips the balance when there's more rappers than actual after eights as well that's Why are people putting...

I mean,

you don't do that with other food, do you?

You don't sort of put Ferrero Roche wrappers back in the box, do you?

Well, it's difficult because

that trick wouldn't work because then you're looking back in there and it's just like flat foil or whatever or scrunched up.

Yeah, but these people with the after rates, they're not even doing that as a trick.

That's what I mean.

It's like

lazy.

But there's something satisfying.

Maybe I'm one of these people.

There's something satisfying about either leaving the packet in there.

Sometimes you go in for an after eight, you pull it out and it just comes out as an after eight with the wrapper still in there, right?

But there's something satisfying about sliding the packet back in.

It's like when you're looking through.

So you're the one who's doing it, basically.

Yeah, yeah, it's me.

I go around all the after eights and I do.

I'm the only one doing it.

This is the guy complaining about things taking up real estate and then he's putting after eight packets in there and just filling up the whole box of with duds.

Do you know that the after eights have started diversifying and they still sort of did orange after eights recently, but they still tasted of mint.

It was mint and orange.

Those flavours don't go together.

But do they?

That's like, you know, when you brush your teeth and then you go, well, just have a bit of orange juice.

What were you thinking?

Yeah, biggest mistake ever.

That's a really, that's not a party in your mouth.

That's just a, that's a really shit party in your mouth.

That's the first mistake I remember making

in my memory.

I think that's my

earliest mistake.

I remember going, I just did something wrong.

What, brushing your teeth and then having orange juice and going, oh no.

Do you know once as well, I obviously mixed orange juice.

I've spoken about this on the podcast already, but I mixed orange juice and milk together, drank it, and it tasted so bad that I head under the table.

One of the worst mistakes I've ever made was when I was young is my mum had those hermacetus sugar substitutes,

tiny little pills.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And eating one of those.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it.

Okay.

Still water, poppadons, starter, mossable soup, homemade, main course, chicken chow main from the Bristol restaurant.

Do you know what the restaurant was called?

No.

Side dish, Yorkshire pudding.

Really unapologetic, no.

What are you looking at?

No, what the fuck are you asking me that?

Side dish, Yorkshire pudding with a gravy pot.

Drink, Pepsi Max lime, and dessert, the walls romantica.

With some, let's put some whipped cream on that.

Let's put some whipped cream on that.

An after eight, if there's any left.

Well, I've left one.

Thank you.

An after eight, definitely.

Yeah.

Also, we do need to schedule some time to visit the toilet after that, don't we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's normally implied.

We're not going to stop you going to the toilet, but that's fine.

You can use the dream restaurant toilet before you go.

Okay.

Cool.

Well, thank you very much.

Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant, man.

Thank you.

I should have left this podcast really hungry, but I actually am not now.

No, weirdly.

After listening to that mess that I've created.

What an opportunity I had to have really exquisite food, really beautiful, sophisticated.

You've picked chicken chow mein that costs, I mean, three pounds, I guess.

If that.

If that, yeah.

Yorkshire pudding, whipped cream, wools romantica.

So unloved, they don't even make it anymore.

I'm a doofus.

Thank you, though.

You've made a terrible mistake having me on this show.

Serves you right.

Too late now.

Cheerio.

Well, there we are.

The off-menu menu of Matt Lucas, James.

Wow.

I mean, that was one of the ones where, like, I thought, as we're going along, this all sounds quite nice and tasty.

But even Matt admitted at the end when we heard the menu back, it's kind of gross.

Kind of gross menu.

Well, it's when you...

have everything to pick from in the whole world and universe and time.

Yes.

I mean, he picked a Yorkshire pudding and he he picked

World Romantica.

Yeah.

But you know he went for what he wanted and that's what he wanted when he thought about the off-menu concept.

So you can't blame a guy for that.

Yeah, yeah.

We're not gonna we're not gonna hold that against him.

Thank you very much for coming in, Matt.

And of course, as we said before, Matt is one of the hosts of Bake Off, the great British Bake Off.

And of course, the new series of Bake Off has started.

It's on now, James.

On right now.

I'm sure you've already got your favourite bakers already.

Follow them along.

See how they do.

He, of course, did not say baked potato as well.

I would have felt mean.

Yeah, it would have felt mean.

And also, that guy's not eating baked potatoes.

He's creating new shapes of roast potato.

He's operating on a different plane.

If he had baked a potato but cored it, I don't know how it would have...

Maybe it would have been like, you can stay in.

That's not a traditional baked potato.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

It would have been a discussion.

It would have been a big discussion in front of our guests as to whether to remove them from the podcast or not.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But, you know, I mean, I like the sound of the cored roast potatoes.

Yes, yes, they do sound quite nice, actually.

I'm not going gonna try them no i'm never gonna try them no no no no sounds horrible awful awful stuff but thank you very much for coming in matt uh i of course am back on tour i mentioned that at the beginning edgamble.co.uk for tickets very excited i can't wait to see the show ed i've as you know i'm coming to one of the nights which one will it be

Hey, listeners, why not?

Just buy as many tickets as you can, go and see Ed as many times as possible, and maybe you'll see me in the foyer, and I'll tell you to piss off.

Will it be Shrewsbury?

We don't know.

We don't know if it'll be Shrewsbury.

Will it be Aberystwyth?

Will it be Aberystwyth?

We don't know.

But come and see me wherever James may be.

Edgamble.co.uk for tickets, please.

Pearlies.

But hey, guys, listen.

Stay safe out there.

Be nice to each other.

And remember, at Off Menu Official on Twitter.

And that's where you can tweet Benito and ask him about all the different restaurants that we mentioned on the podcast and where to find them.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Oh, hello, it's Amy Gledhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies is coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At 7pm at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickity click click.

London, we're coming.