Ep 159: Felicity Ward

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

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It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, shaking up the bottle of the internet, popping the cork of conversation, and spraying the foam of humor all over each other's faces.

My name is Ed Gamble.

James Acaster here.

And this is a food podcast, James, the Off Menu Podcast.

Yes, we have a dream restaurant, Ed and I.

I'm the dream genie waiter.

Ed is the dream proprietor.

The dream proprietor.

The matra D.

The Matra Dream.

That is a wild event.

It's only taken nearly 200 episodes, but there we are, the Matra Dream.

Yeah, the Matra Dream, Ed Gamble.

And we invite a guest in every week and we ask them their favourite ever starter, main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is

Felicity Wood.

Brilliant comedian.

Fantastic comedian.

One of the very best.

One of the VBs.

Never done an Edinburgh show, a tour show that is anything less than brilliant.

Always delivers.

You can catch her on loads of different shows.

She's popped up on the, well, I mean, it'd take ages to list them all, really.

But like on the UK, Agra Australia Intelligence.

Look her up on the internet.

yeah look her up watch all the stuff she's fantastic but if she says a secret ingredient that we have predetermined she will be removed from the dream restaurant by either the dream genie or me the matri dream he's really loving his new title and this week it's nice to be involved the secret ingredient is jelly from a pork pie from a pork pie jelly from a pork pie look you know i guess what we're saying is if they bring up pork pie then we're going to kick them out because the jelly's disgusting Well, we're going to ask them about the jelly, and if they're like, it has to have the jelly, we're going to kick her out.

Then you've got to get kicked out because

I understand it's integral to the way the pork pie is made or how it's stored, etc.

But, ugh, no thanks.

I think the reason why mini pork pies exist is so we don't have to see the jelly.

Yeah.

So we can just pop them in.

Straight in.

And they can just eat it and like pretend like the jelly's not happening because I don't think anyone, the first time they picked up a slice of pork pie and saw that jelly, thought, yum yum.

No, not at all.

And while we're here, fuck the pork pies with a hard-boiled egg in the middle.

Oh, fuck them.

Fuck hard-boiled eggs.

I probably would like them.

Yeah.

Okay, sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

I have had them in the past.

I don't mind them.

Haven't really.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're all right.

Yeah.

Well, that's not the secret ingredient.

The secret ingredient is jelly from a PP.

Jelly from a PP.

Don't want it.

If Felicity says it, she's going to be out.

And, you know, with a heavy heart.

With a heavy heart, because she is great.

anything to plug before we go in nothing really i mean you're called the major dream now i think

depending on when this goes out i might have tour dates edgamble.co.uk my show's called electric it's been going well is going to go well has gone well i'm doing a tour of scandinavia for a week in september yes so you might have done your tour of scandinavia i might have done it you might have got the bug again I might have got the bug.

You know, most likely, if I've already done it, I'd recommend just googling James A.

Gass of Scandinavia to read the reviews of how badly it went

to just see how much of a cutter crash every single gig was.

I've never known anyone to be able to have such a massive meltdown in such cold weather.

How's that?

Yeah, that'll be one of them.

One of the audience reviews.

I can't wait.

All improvised?

I'm going to improvise the whole show.

When you say that, what do you mean?

Well, I mean, I'm definitely not going to bother writing anything in advance.

I might, on the day,

think to myself, here are some things I could talk about yeah and then just go on stage and start talking about them but nothing will be you know I haven't got any time to do work in progresses or anything like that

and you don't want to I don't want to and I don't sit down and write stuff anyway

I always work it up up on stage so that means I have to by default

just starting off in Scandinavia go on stage and just start talking fine so when was the last time you get in Scandinavia

oh

I think never okay so quite a long time.

Been a real while.

Well, me and Benito are definitely flying out.

Yeah, you'll be more than welcome.

I can't wait to see you guys.

Let me know what date you want comps for.

I'll sort them out.

Every day, this is the off-menu menu of Felicity.

Felicity Ward.

Welcome, Felicity, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

Welcome, Felicity Ward to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Well, I only turned up when you asked me.

If you've been waiting, it's very much on your shoulders.

James says that to every guest, and I always worry every time he says it that they're going to get offended like they were late or get worried that they were later than they should have been.

But it's just a tone of phrase, isn't it, James?

Yeah.

I don't know how it, I mean, it wasn't, I don't think we did it in the first episode.

No, definitely not.

Maybe I said it, I don't know when I started saying it, but it started just becoming, that was the thing.

It feels right to start.

So there was never, yeah.

Okay.

I mean, it's meant to be like a mystic thing.

It's like we'd expecting you for all of time oh okay

okay and time is a construct time is a construct to a genie so you were always destined to be here yeah okay we've been and i should be like uh astounded by the mysticism of it yeah like oh my god they've been waiting for me yeah it actually comes across mildly passive aggressive yeah just a little bit and we already we have been expecting you for some time we booked you and we expected you to come for that amount of time which is some time it's true.

Oh, this is like being in my marriage all over again.

Chris and I have very different ways of communicating.

Right, yeah.

So I hear something that sounds like a little bit sharp and he's like, I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm just being direct.

I'm like, direct sounds mean.

And so I respond with meanness because I am mean.

The great thing about that is it sums up all marriage conversations in that you both come out of it sounding annoying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then you're like, why are we arguing about a cup?

Do you want the cup or not?

No, great.

Well, I'm going in the lounge room now.

Tell me more about this cup.

I want to know more about the cup.

Well, if it's one that my husband has used, his name's Chris, if he's used it, I will drink out of it.

If I've used it, he absolutely won't drink out of it.

We have very different levels of hygiene.

I'm on the more disgusting end and he's on the more disgusted end.

I feel like if you're married living together, you've basically got the same mouth.

You would think so.

Yeah, that's not how it works.

Like our son is also disgusting.

We have a lot in common.

And he will eat my face, like go, ah, and I'm like, yeah, that's what you got to do with it.

We've done an episode with him.

That was a starter.

Yeah.

Mum's face.

Then we had to get a new microphone.

And then when he does it to Chris, Chris will go, oh, yuck.

I'm like, oh, you, that's our baby.

Like,

he loves our baby more than anything.

Yeah.

But babies are gross.

And I like lean into it and he doesn't.

He reacts like a stranger's done it to him on the tube.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He basically treats the world like the tube.

I mean, I get a bit like, yeah, I kind of, if I'm looking to fill at my glass of water or whatever around the flat, and I'm like, oh, now which one's mine and which one, and I'm like, why do I care?

I kiss them all the time.

And you kiss us not just on the mouth either.

I kiss other bits.

Other bits.

I'm just saying, like, the mouth is gross, like, scientifically, but there's other bits that are also gross.

You've come in, and the first thing you've done is talked about James kissing ladies' bits.

Yeah.

Like, it's just immediately sexualizing poor James.

It's intimacy.

It's not sexualization.

This isn't a random person.

This is someone who he swapped bodily fluids with.

You've done it.

It's a weird way to meet, isn't it?

It is a weird way to meet.

We both turned up.

Did a piece of work.

A jar each.

Did a trade.

Played football stickers.

That's your first meal.

Yeah.

Oh, even I feel sad after saying that.

You're a food fan, though.

I know you well enough to confidently say that at the start of the podcast, that you're a fan of food.

Yeah, I'm a fan of food out of the house.

I don't cook good things for myself.

I'm a real get-by kind of girl.

I don't give a shit about lunch.

Lunch is a waste of my life.

I've always felt like that.

I'm like, what can I stick in my mouth so I'm not hungry anymore?

It's a slice of Yarlsberg, most of a pack of salami.

I might might have a banana and an apple to, you know, get some kind of vitamin there.

But that's really, that's really how I feel about lunch.

Going out, very different experience.

Then I'll really tuck in.

A pack of salami and a slice of Yarlsberg sounds like quite a nice lunch.

What's Yarlsberg?

Cheese?

Yeah, Yarlsberg's cheese.

Swiss.

You're a foodie, aren't you?

Yeah, well, I mean, Yarlsberg, I was like, sounds like a, I don't know, like a suburb.

Like a Swiss cheese.

Like Carlsberg from the American South.

A Yarlsberg.

Y'all want a Yarlsberg?

Yeah, that's what I thought it was.

It's a lager.

You've made me a delicious pie in the past.

It was delicious.

Yeah, did I make that or did you?

You made it.

Oh, did I?

Fuck.

I don't know anything.

Yarlsberg and salami pie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some is Yarlsberg.

You say it was a pie.

It was just they were rolled up into cigar shapes.

That's the best way to eat them.

It is.

I'm just straight in.

Yeah, um, um, um, um.

And then you get the you get the double satisfaction on top and bottom.

You're not just one layer, top and bottom of your teeth.

They both get the satisfaction of perforating it.

Have you ever rolled up a bit of salami in the Earlsberg and had a sort of double cigar for you?

I'm not a fucking idiot.

Of course I have.

Of course.

Would you do that at a continental breakfast perhaps if they had a cheese and meat platter?

Do you know what?

I don't get into the cheese and salami of a breakfast.

I'm very sweet when it comes to breakfast.

Oh, no, that's not true.

I just, I'm not into, I'm not into the

cold cuts.

The charcuterie.

Charcuterie.

That's a hard word to say, isn't it?

Every time I'm like...

Cold cuts.

Is it continental breakfast?

Charcuterie?

Is it charcuterie?

Yeah.

Charcuterie.

Charcuterie.

What is that?

Is it charcuterie?

You say character.

I'd say charcuterie.

You love it.

Charcuterie board, please.

Oh, I'd have one of those if I was picking it at an afternoon tea or even at lunch.

Again, I'd order that for lunch somewhere.

Continental breakfast, not for me.

We're talking birdsharp.

I mean, I'm Australian, so breakfast is very much what we do.

That's something that I feel confident in saying.

I'm a big fan of the Australian nation.

Oh, there's a question coming here.

But I don't feel like you can come claim breakfast.

Really?

You can go, breakfast is what we do.

I don't think you could say that.

I mean, the world has breakfast.

When did you go to Australia?

What I think you can claim is brunch.

You have avoided the question.

I think I went to Sydney airport once

and I was there first thing in the morning.

I didn't see anyone eating.

Yeah, brunch.

All right.

Yeah, no, that's fair.

But our restaurants and cafes cafes are open earlier.

So over here, like a restaurant might open at eight o'clock or a cafe might open at eight o'clock where they're open at six in Australia because people get up because there's sunlight and they don't hate themselves as much because they have the right amount of vitamin D.

Yes.

So there's like, there is a cafe culture that opens much earlier.

Great.

Yeah.

When I'm in Australia and I wake up for breakfast, I am properly...

you know, I've got a decision to make where I'm going to go, what I'm going to have.

Whereas other countries I've been to and toured in or whatever, you wake up in the morning and that's not necessarily the first thing in your mind.

When I'm doing a UK tour, I'm like, well, how can I get out of here?

Yeah, yeah.

But, you know, America, Australia, New Zealand, big breakfast towns.

New Zealand, a very big breakfast town.

Let's not brush over the Bircher thing.

I want to talk more about Bertram Easley.

All about Bircher.

It very rarely comes up on the podcast.

Really?

And I love Bertram Usley.

Who doesn't?

Well, actually, I know lots of people that don't like it.

I don't understand it.

It's perfect for me.

And in fact, I went for a cup of coffee with a friend yesterday, was a bit hungry, went into a PrET, got a Bircher.

4 p.m.

Yeah.

It's a lovely little snack.

The Prat one's pretty good.

The Prit, it's a good side.

You've got a tube right home, but you're not filling yourself up for for dinner.

I hit my glass there by accident, but it sounded like I was just agreeing with you.

Yeah, I really wanted to.

A bircher.

Will you make a birchular at home?

A birchola?

Yeah, I'd do a bircher at home.

At home, I wouldn't go, I've made a bircher.

I'd go overnight oats to make it sound simpler because I feel like there's things in bircher that I'm not doing.

What are you putting in your bircher?

I'd just do like

almond milk oats.

Yeah.

Would actually go a bit of protein powder.

Of course.

You know, because

keep the guns up.

I thought you were going to say keep the gun up.

I'm like, I haven't heard that word since the 90s.

We could have a thousand more guests, and no one would have thought he was going to say that.

I've got to keep my gun up.

Did you ever use that word over here?

Never, ever used it out loud.

But you know.

I'm fully aware of what it means.

Yeah, you know what it means.

Yeah.

I mean,

basically, once some horrible man told me what it was.

I mean, I've never thought about it again.

Probably even my dad.

I put a bit of protein powder in.

Then I'd put maybe some frozen raspberries in or fresh raspberries.

That's what I've got.

Mix it all up.

Yep.

Leave it in the fridge.

Yep.

Quite often on a Saturday night, because I do a radio show on Sunday morning, then I can just grab it, take it with me to the light.

Look at you.

So plain.

No grated apple?

No, so that's why I feel weird calling it a bircher.

Yeah, and don't you soak it in juice?

Doesn't that puzzle it?

Well, sometimes I think you can soak it in.

Soak it in.

So these are more overnight oats.

Yeah, well,

why don't you treat yourself to a bit of a upgrade?

I might dream myself.

You soak it in a bit of juice overnight, and then I think you can mix it with yogurt the next morning.

Whack you, put a couple of nuts in there.

My mum has it every single morning, and she tells me, she's done it for 10 years.

Yeah.

And I'll get, if I go over there and she goes, I've made you breakfast.

Would you like a bit of birch and muesley?

I've just soaked them over and she'll go through what she's done.

She's been doing it for a decade.

I'm like, I know exactly what's in there.

I appreciate it.

My mum is amazing where she talks about the food that she's cooked like she's just completed a Heston Blumenthal recipe.

And she's like, I just had a nice little salad with, you know, a little bit of lettuce and some parsley for the garden.

And I'm like, yeah, this sounds like a pretty standard salad.

Yeah, I get that.

sure sure

she did not have a functioning oven for years and one of the stove tops worked and she was all right with that and one when I was staying out there once I got home and it was really late and I said I'm really hungry and she said there's a frozen pizza in the freezer I was like oh okay I'll just whack that in the oven she goes the oven doesn't work why don't you put it on the barbecue I'm like oh I didn't know if barbecues defrost.

She's like, no, no, no, no, I'll be fine.

And so I cooked it.

I don't know if you've seen that episode of The Simpsons where Marge goes and then Homer tries to cook fish fingers and they're burnt on the outside and frozen in the inn.

It was that.

It was absolutely disgusting.

That was the same night she tried to tell me that she invented the phrase, get a room.

And also tried to like get me over into cryptocurrency.

Wow.

My mum is a loose unit.

I just say broadly, don't take crypto advice from someone who doesn't have a working oven.

Yeah, or someone who cooks pizza on a barbecue.

Yeah.

Most Australian anecdote we've ever had, I mean.

Oh, the same trip, let me tell you this.

I had a, let me tell you this if you're not bloody mind.

I love this character.

Hello there, Chad.

How are you going?

That's like my old working club man.

We have things called RSLs in Australia, which are like return service league.

They're working man clubs for people that have been in the military.

But there's always someone that's up at the bar that's like ordering.

Hello there, Sheila, how you going?

I love it.

Absolutely love that.

Yeah.

They say that this is something that my

so I'm just I'm just being flooded with memories.

My my pop was very Australian.

He's ex-Army as well.

And one day when mum and dad had only been going out for a little while, mum caught a wave and she lost her bikini top.

And so she covered her hands and came like covered her hair boobs with her hands, came out of the water.

And my pop said, if those puppies are for sale, I love the one with the the little brown nose sticking out.

So up head street.

As soon as you said it, I was like, Oh, that's going to kill him.

That's going to kill him.

Oh, imagine saying that to your future daughter-in-law.

Yeah.

So bad.

This is why I have no boundaries.

I've never been taught them.

My dad said that to my girlfriend.

I'd be like, We're moving to a different country and we're never seeing my parents again.

Oh, that's so funny.

So, we always start with still or sparkling water, still water all day long, all day.

No interest in sparkling.

Yeah, um, had an argument about it last night with my husband.

I was listening to the podcast, and he heard someone just going hell for leather on still water.

He's like, Is that fucking idiot?

No, that's like, what?

It's the podcast, they're talking about still.

He's like, You like sparkling water?

I'm like, not by itself.

He's like, You have it with elderflower, you have coke.

He got very upset about it.

You have coke, yeah.

like it was the bubbles.

I'm like, I don't like the bubbles.

Yeah, it's not good.

And he's like, if you add sugar to it, you like it.

I'm like, yeah, but we're talking about water.

It's a substitute for water.

And I only want plain water, still water.

I'll even take tap.

You've got a water bottle with you?

Yeah, I do.

I don't know the last time I washed it.

And that shows what I drink out of it.

Your hooker's not going anywhere near that.

Oh, no.

He's already said it.

I'm like, do you want some of my moriers out?

He's like, nah, absolutely not.

I used to work in a restaurant and I actually did a sparkling water taste.

taster and it was the most pretentious thing I've ever done.

And they're like, can you tell how the bubbles are smaller in this one?

I'm like, no.

So you couldn't?

And it was all where other people saying they could.

Yeah, no, I probably could.

There were some that are more coarse than others.

Some have a very mild and sensitive bubble, and then others are quite aggressive.

Yeah.

We sold the San Pellegrino, which you'd be familiar with.

And that's a medium-sized bubble.

Yeah.

So you're coming to this with some expertise in sparkling water water and you're someone who's explored the world of sparkling water, has seen through the world of sparkling water and you're all about the still.

I'm still all about the still.

I don't even mind just a good old-fashioned tap water.

Room tap.

Yeah, never iced, never iced water.

No.

Freezes my little esophagus.

Okay, go on.

You know, when you get, I, and you go, you know, when you get it, don't you get a cold throat?

Do I?

Do you?

No, I don't think I do.

I don't think I've ever felt like my esophagus is frozen.

Oh, I get like a little cold stone at the back of of my throat.

I'm like, oh,

I can't have it.

A little cold stone.

A little cold stone.

Oh no.

I'll have it, but I'll have a freezing Coke.

I'll have loads of ice in that.

Absolutely fine.

But I suppose that there's so much bad stuff in there that like you can feel your teeth rotting.

So maybe it distracts from the stone in my throat.

Maybe the acid is melting the frozen stone in your throat.

Yeah, that's probably right.

It works together.

Yeah.

That's what it's such a genius drink.

Can clean your toilet, melt stones.

So would you have, for your dream meal, are you having a tap water?

Are you having

a bottled still water that's like nice and cold but not iced?

Dream restaurant, I'd go a nice bottle of still water and probably in a big bottle because I drink a lot.

Yeah.

People comment on how much water I drink like it's an issue sometimes.

I hope that makes sense.

Does it?

Yeah, pop a dumb salt bread.

Bread.

Pop-dom softbread, Felicity Ward.

Pop a dumb salt bread.

Bread, 100%.

Never going to go a pop-adum.

No, that's not true.

I love poppadoms, but I love poppadoms with curry.

What I wanted to ask was, with the bread, can I get little things with it?

Depends what little things you're talking about.

Basil leaves.

Yeah.

You can, and then explain yourself.

Olive oil.

Yes.

A little bit of buffala mozzarella.

Interesting.

And some tomato.

It seems like what you've done there is you've just built yourself an extra starter around the bread.

That is what I am doing.

A little tricolore, I think it's called.

I kind of feel okay about it.

If they're just little bits, it's just like...

How little?

Like a...

What are those little dishes called?

Ramechetta.

Ramekin, thank you.

What did you say?

What did you say?

I said bruschetta because I thought dishes as in a different type of dish.

Yeah, that is a nightmare.

And I think that you pronounce the C.

Bruschetta.

Yeah, which makes it sound dumb.

I'm okay with that.

Yeah.

I'm okay with what I did.

Yeah, yeah.

It feels better to say bruschetta because saying bruschetta sounds like you're bruschetta.

Bruschetta, but I'm pretty sure you do.

I can't bring myself to do it.

James just went with buschetta.

Bruschetta.

Yeah.

Bruschetta.

Bruschetta.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And everyone in Ketrin understands me.

Little slack joy, Jimmy over there.

I can get a bruschetta when I'm in Ketron.

Which is

only at Frankie Benny's, I think.

There must be somewhere else in Kettering you can get a bruschetta.

I think there's a, I think maybe.

What about a Pizza Express?

As far as I'm aware, we haven't got a Pizza Express in Ketrin.

What?

I don't think we do.

That sounds google-approved.

me um we've got the best place to get pizza in ketrin is frank's pizza not to be confused with frankie and benny's was gonna ask independent uh family-run place delicious pizza and they might do pussetta but i'm not sure if you ask if you ask also what i like about frank's pizza is that just they're open whenever they feel like it oh

you never know what are your opening hours optional that's what they are if we can be bothered we'll be open oh i've got a lot of time for that there's a korean restaurant in edinburgh called kim's mini Meals,

which I was, well, me and my wife were obsessed with for about three years running in Edinburgh because it only seemed to open for two hours a day.

Yeah.

We were like, how are they staying afloat?

Like, they seem to be open.

I think they're open from like 5.30 till 7.30 or something.

Yeah.

Like, how's it working?

And we could never go because it was always just before my show and then after my show.

So we were like, never going to be able to go.

And recently I went to Edinburgh and I was like, I'm going to go to Kim's Mini Meals.

And I went at six o'clock and I worked out how they're able to stay afloat.

There's just a queue for two hours solidly and then

pumping people in and out and it's such good food.

Let's dig into this loophole a bit more.

The bread.

It's not for sure

I've been told but like you got your bread and you got your basil, your tomato and your mozzarella on it.

I think we've let people have loopholes similar to this in the past.

Yeah.

As long as the bread is the main component.

So this is the bread is the centerpiece and you've got little bits to just like just pop on top.

Just pop on top.

It's like having a dish of butter but instead of the butter you've got mozzarella.

yeah yeah it's like having a garlic bread with cheese really isn't it isn't it yes it's like having a garlic pizza before your meal yeah did you say olive oil and balsamic no i don't care

no because it's not 1997 anymore oh shots for oil shots come on mate that came out then it can stay there it's so 90s anyone who's it's like why don't you go and get some sweet potato wedges and well no just just potato wedges and sweet chili sauce and sour cream people went balsamic barmy in the 90s.

They went nuts.

It was on pears.

Strawberries.

It was on strawberries.

It was foul.

I just, I remember as a kid going over to my friend's house and his mum was like, you never guess what we're having for dessert.

Oh no.

With black pepper and balsamic vinegar.

I was like, that sounds disgusting.

I won't be having that.

Thank you.

Especially knowing what Ed was like as a little boy.

Very, very like a restaurant critic.

Not today.

Thank you very much.

Sally, this is a three and a half out of five.

It's the same with like the chili chocolate and the chili mango that came out in the late 90s.

I'm glad other people enjoyed that, but not for me.

That's a no deal.

Sure.

Well,

I still, I'll make myself little caprezy salads, is that right, caprazy, at home, and I'll put some balsamic on it still.

I do have a bottle of balsamic at home.

I'm starting to slightly get back into it.

Everything comes around.

It comes around again.

Fashion's 90s again.

It's vintage.

It's yeah, it's kitsch.

But my girlfriend bought a bottle of balsamic glaze, and I'm not going anywhere near too sweet.

Oh, I'll take a balsamic glaze.

Are we?

There we go.

Don't mind it.

Yep.

Yeah, just a little bit on a salad with something else, but it can be used in cooking.

Oh, the stairs that I'm getting.

It's weird to be into balsamic glaze and you're not into balsamic vinegar.

Because I find often the problem with balsamic vinegar itself is it's too sweet a vinegar.

So if you're into the glaze, that's that's bananas.

I think it's more about how people perceive balsamic vinegar to be interesting.

That they're like, actually, we're using balsamic vinegar.

Like, yeah, so does everyone.

We've all got access to a supermarket.

What I was going to ask you about the balsamic vinegar before we move on is that your reasons for it are interesting because I interviewed you for a music podcast and

you were saying you don't like antsy-fancy

like music.

And then at the end of the podcast, you kind of said, do you know what?

I've got a chip on my shoulder.

The people will think that like maybe if I don't like that music, that they'll think I'm dumb or something.

I almost want to be like, fuck you, before I even get you.

It's balsamic vinegar.

You're saying, oh, I hate how people are like, we've got some balsamic on this.

And it's more like those kind of people who listen to, you know, clever, clever music and show off about it, just in the jazz or whatever, and these use balsamic.

I've hated them my whole life, and I never want to become like them.

Yeah, you know how most people have a chip on their shoulder?

I don't have shoulders.

I'm made entirely of chips.

I am a tortilla bolt.

That is what I operate on.

I am nothing but chips.

I am opinions that were born out of insecurity in a dysfunctional household that I have moulded into a career.

That's why we love you.

Do you?

A chip is.

A chippy.

A little chippy.

Is that in the old man voice?

A little bit of a chippy.

Get yourself a hot chip with some sauce on it, eh?

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your dream starter come on to your dream starter now i've got questions yeah can you have more than one starter depends depends how how you present it to us and bear in mind you're on rocky ground already because we've let you get away with the stuff on the bread course.

This flies in the face of everything you stand for, what I'm about to.

I basically want three of each course, except for dessert.

Dessert, I'll just have one.

So my question is, do I have to eat all of this or can I just eat small bits of each?

We don't really let people get away with Global to Pass anymore, do we?

No, Global Topasse was kind of a one-off.

But like, people have, you know, ordered multiple things things per course.

Rave Spaw comes to mind.

So like

name-dropping.

Yeah, yeah.

We're probably in the same category.

I mean, Rafe Spall.

We have both of them.

Yeah, can't wait to get your dad on.

G'day, Carlish, but let me tell you about.

Well, let's hear it first.

Okay.

Because what we might make you do is pick one and then give the other two as honourable muncheons.

Okay, muncheons.

Is that what you call them?

Oh, my God, I love them.

I think we're adorable.

Oh, you are adorable.

The pair of you.

I want to stick you in my pocket.

Okay, the first one is, I mean, if we're going to talk wanker, I'm starting at Primo Wanker.

Okay.

We went to Thailand, my fella and I, and we booked into, I'm sure you've watched Chef's Table, one of the restaurants is called Gagan.

And it's an Indian restaurant in Thailand.

And we booked it, and then we turned up.

And they said, they do it randomly, but they said, would you like to be at the chef's table tonight?

And we were like, ah, you fucking kidding me they came here because of chef's table that's right it was literally because of your chef's table

it's like you've read out mine

so we got there and there's only like eight of us and Gagan is cooking for us amazing there's like a little kitchen there's probably three or four I was gonna say helpers I'm pretty sure they're chefs

and you got I think we showed you the menu when you came over they gave us a piece of translucent paper that just had 23 emojis on it and that was like the indication for each meal we were going to have.

And then at the end of the meal, they gave us a normal bit of paper that you put underneath, and it had the names of each of the meals, and it lined up.

I know.

It was lovely.

And every single meal had a story.

We got the backstory.

It was incredible.

The first one is what he's known for, which is called a yogurt explosion.

And it's served on, like, you know, those Chinese soup spoons that they're like little broth spoons.

It looks like a yolk, a white yolk, and then you eat it as one and it explodes in your mouth.

Now, I have never cried before over food, but I got tears in my eyes and I felt like I was having a childhood memory of a childhood I never had.

It was emotional.

Wow.

So that is very small, but delicious.

What emoji did they use for the yogurt explosion?

The explosion sign.

It wasn't an eggplant, if that's what you're thinking.

The dripping sign.

What did you think they were going to do?

I was just wondering.

Yeah, he was.

He was.

He was going to do the aubergine joke.

Yeah,

it He was heading there.

Well done for cutting him up at the post.

So what is it?

So you say it looks like a little yolk.

So is it just made of yogurt?

Is it just pure yogurt?

What is it?

What were we talking about?

It's got like a liquid yogurt inside, different spices, and then the outside is like a yogurt membrane.

I don't know how they've made that because I'm not a chef.

But it's so it moves like a little like a ball of yogurt.

Yeah, yeah.

So like, so yeah.

Almost like an egg yolk, really.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but it was, yeah, but it has a film around it.

Yeah, so that sounds delicious.

That's delicious.

The other thing that I had

is an egg.

Okay.

I went, one night, I went out in Melbourne.

I'm glad there's a story after that.

Yeah.

Just, I found an egg on the street and I ate it.

And it felt good.

The egg.

I'm really torn.

Yeah.

I had something from the best restaurant in Asia and I cooked an egg.

And it is a real lone ball for me.

So I was walking around Melbourne one night and I was dressed up and I don't know.

I was like, I just want to eat something nice.

I want to go to a restaurant and I want to have something nice and I don't want to plan it.

And I heard about this restaurant and it was down an alley because it was Melbourne and there's a line.

So I lined up and like, I was third in line and then I got there and he said, is it just for one?

And I said, yes.

And so I went in and the waiter came over.

and he said what do you like what would you like to and i said i really don't know and he goes do you want me to just order something for you i'm like, Yeah, yeah, I do.

He's like, Do you want like a starter and a main?

I'm like, Yeah.

He goes, Okay, I'm going to order you a son-in-law egg.

I'm like, Fine.

And then he ordered something else.

And then he said, Do you want a drink?

I'm like, Yeah, I want to drink it.

And I said, You make it up.

You make it up.

I just non-alcoholic.

You make it up.

And he brought back this goddamn vat of fruit and ice and mint and sweet and yummy and tangy.

Yeah.

It was just the night of my life.

I took myself on a date.

And so this son-in-law.

It sounds like the waiter took you on a date.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, he didn't.

So

I left him a tip and everything.

You can't even pay for a date these days.

And so a son-in-law egg is,

I think it's like

a soft-boiled egg, but then they coat it in breadcrumbs and stuff and then they deep fry that.

So it's got like Scotch egg vibes, but Asian.

And I ate it and it blew my mind.

Both of them involve explosions in my mouth.

Yeah.

Well, here's the thing.

Here's what I'm going to propose.

Okay.

Okay.

It sounds like part of the reason that second one is so special is that you went there, you let the waiter order for you.

It was.

So how about in this situation, you let the waiter order for you?

That's me.

That is very almost romantic.

But you're picking from those two, right?

Yeah, I'm choosing the first one.

There is a third one.

There's a third one.

What's exploding in your mouth this time?

A wallaby.

An actual wallaby.

Oh, crikey.

We went to Tasmania and we went to this nice restaurant.

Now, the thing about Tasmania, everything has a story, by the way.

Nothing operates in a vacuum.

Lovely.

Perfect.

You know, Sarah Kendall was like, I don't know, a beer.

I'm like, here is the opus that I've prepared.

Good.

We went to Tasmania and the thing about Tasmania is they have incredible produce because all the

wind that comes from the Antarctic is clear wind.

It's not polluted at all.

There's nothing in it.

So all of their cows and the grass is all incredible produce.

And what they did in the 90s was they were exporting all their produce everywhere but their restaurants really weren't up to scratch and then they went hang on we've got some of the best produce in the world so their restaurant scene exploded now they have amazing restaurants in Tasmania so we went there and my husband got this entree of wallaby and I got the starter of something else that was still really good his was so good we were contemplating whether to also get it for dessert wow and I think I'm probably just sad that I didn't order that then sure so there's there's a bit there of like you wish you had ordered it?

Of yeah, of like food envy, retrospective food envy.

Yeah, two questions.

Hit me.

How was the wallaby prepared and served?

Follow-up question.

What's a wallaby?

Fair.

All fair.

The wallaby was, I believe, roasted,

very, very tender.

Just a couple of little, maybe Dutch carrots next to it.

and some sauce, a nice ju.

Another very early 2000s reference there.

But that stuck around though.

Didn't the zhu just like hit us with a vengeance in the early 2000s?

A wallaby is a smaller kangaroo.

There you go.

I think they might actually, if you go to London Zoo, they have wallabies because every time, oh, this is sad.

Every time I go there, I went there the other day.

It's always grey when I go to the zoo.

And there's an Australian section.

And mate, there's a couple of emus and a couple of wallabies.

And we just look at each other like, we don't belong here.

We all look sad.

Yeah.

yeah i don't think i'm going to go to london zoo specifically to look at something that you had for a starter once yeah

why

point maybe i will all three of those sound very special for different reasons and i like them all very much um and obviously in an ideal world your dream meal is going to be all free for your starter so waiter's choice no waiter's choice i trust you waiter's choice i'm gonna go for the first one i'm gonna go for i think that made you cry yeah you know that sounds very very special it was i feel confident with with that too.

Your dream main course, Felicity Ward.

Okay.

Do you know what?

I've got one that I want, and then I've got some honourable mentions.

Muncheons.

Muncheons, pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.

Or shall I say pun me?

No, you shouldn't say that.

No, don't, don't.

I wouldn't.

I wouldn't.

Pun and me?

Nah.

That just sounds like my son trying to speak English.

Oh, it's so great.

He can't say his S's.

Oh, yeah.

It's the best.

What do you want, honey?

I'd like a snack.

A knack.

He says H instead of S.

My mum and dad still have a drawer in the house called the knack drawer because my nephews couldn't say snack.

It's the best, isn't it?

It's the knack drawer.

They still say it.

And my nephews now who can say snack are like, it's the snack drawer.

How embarrassing.

Yeah.

I didn't know snack was such a...

Tricky kid word.

I think S is one of the last word sounds they can make.

Our whole family have like this secret language that we speak made up of all of the dumb things that we couldn't say.

So we call Disney Disney and we call if something's nice, we say it's Lolly Buff or Buffalo.

Lolly Boof.

Yeah, lovely and beautiful or beautiful and lovely.

It's like, oh,

that jacket.

Lolly Boof.

Lolly Boofa Lully.

Buffalo.

I love that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I love it.

Really like that.

It's so soft.

So soft and buffalo.

Buffalo.

Lolly.

Lolly Boof.

Like you're in Clockwork Orange.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but I'm dying.

And then I got a message the other day.

I've got loads of cousins.

I've got 26 cousins and lots of them have kids now.

And two of the kids of my cousins, one of them said, these are just quotes.

Xavia must be like four now.

And he went, oh, dad, pelicans fucking stink.

And then the other one was from

my cousin's daughter, Harper, and she walks around the house going, oh, fuck a hells.

Lovely stuff.

Lovely stuff.

Buffalo, lovely stuff.

That is buffalo lolly stuff.

It's lovely boof.

Do you say googie eggs?

No.

All right, yeah, just check it.

It's another one.

Like if you call it like an egg, do you want some googie eggs?

Nope.

But what's that for?

I can't really remember.

Do you know the phrase full as a goog?

Nope.

That is a phrase that exists.

And an egg is a goog.

Full as a goog?

Full as a goog.

G-double-O-G.

But what does that mean?

Look, I'm not an etymologist.

But do you use that phrase?

Yeah.

When do you use it?

If you've had a big meal, you're like, well, full as a goog.

Full as a goog.

What does it say?

As full as a goog.

Informal means very drunk.

Drunk.

Drunk.

Australian phrase, it says.

Yeah, we never use it in that.

And we call it.

Can you Google Googie eggs?

An egg or eggs usually when offered as food to a child.

In widespread use, come on, eat your googie eggs.

Yeah, googie googie eggs not it's not helped at all

really it's just australia it's just googie eggs just to get kids to eat eggs so let's hear what the honourable mentions are first okay and then yeah one is a barramundi thai red curry lovely absolutely amazing there is a restaurant ironically literally across from the road from where my dream meal is from and it's a thai restaurant in sydney and surrey hills and you can't book you turn up you give them their mobile your mobile number and they just text you when you've got a seat free.

So you just hover around the city.

Hate that.

They only absolutely hate it.

Hate it.

The worst.

You're rarely waiting for very long and there's a pub just next door.

Yeah.

So you're just going to get a beer there.

Technology exists for people to book.

Yeah.

You could probably chill out though because you're not there.

So it's fine.

I can't.

I can't.

I genuinely, I'm as annoyed hearing about it as I would be if I was there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ah, if you turned up and you said, yeah, it'll probably be about 10 minutes.

Give us your mobile number.

You just go.

Absolutely not.

I'm off.

off.

I would rather they said to me, we're full up, sorry,

and then I just go away.

I would rather that than they go, well, give us your number and we'll text you when there's a table.

Well, now I'm just going to be, as soon as I get the text and we're like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, mother.

I'm like, I'm going to panic.

Look at my phone concert.

We had that.

We were in New York in 2017 when we went to St.

Anselm.

It's an amazing steakhouse.

It was really good.

But they went, just, we'll take your number and we'll text you.

I'm like, but we're in a different country.

So I don't know if the number's going to work.

I'm like, there's a good cocktail bar next door.

I was like, well, will there be a seat there?

It seems like this is a very popular street.

And we had to wait an hour and a half.

Oh, that's too long.

We got smashed.

We got absolutely smashed.

And so you missed out on the nuance of the meal because you were hammered and you just wanted to line your stomach.

You could have just easily had some chips and gravy and that would have done the same job.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry to hear that.

So the Tyre Ed Curry is from this place where you have to give them your number.

Yeah.

Go away.

They got your number forever now.

They don't give a shit about your number.

They're not going to use it for anything.

They want to get your money.

They want to give you excellent food.

They want to turn the table over.

And also in Sydney, you have a crazy amount of Thai food that's very, very reasonable in price.

You go to Melbourne, they don't have the same culture for Thai food.

They have more Vietnamese restaurants.

So at one point, I've absolutely got this fact wrong.

It's mutated over time.

One of these is right.

There's a place called King Street in Newtown in Sydney.

And at one point, I think in the 90s, there there were 70 restaurants on that street and 40 of them were Thai, or there was 140 restaurants and 70 of them were Thai.

I don't know which one.

Either way.

A lot of Thai restaurants.

Big odds.

Big odds on the Thai.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, see, if I ran a restaurant and we did the phone number system, eventually, me and the other people who run the restaurant would get drunk.

I'd go, would you want to text everyone who's ever given us their number?

Yeah.

On the website.

I wouldn't need it into a database.

I'd text it to them.

It'd be so funny to get someone's number and then they say, actually, we're not, it's too long await.

We're not gonna, we're not gonna have the meal.

And then three years later, text them saying their tables ready.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tables feed up.

And also a little photo of you of you, like thumbs up next to the spare table.

Yeah.

Okay, so that's that.

That's an honorable munchon.

Also, in the year 2000,

I went to Argentina and I had a, ordered a parijada.

Now, a parijada is like a mini barbecue that comes to your table and it just has every little bit of the animal cooking in front of you unfortunately I had quite a chronic UTI at the time so I couldn't eat a lot

I was very very unwell so I didn't get to finish that meal I ate like a little bit of some of it I'm like god damn it that's so delicious but I couldn't eat anymore so I have like regret i have food regret so you'd want to go away it was the one that got away it was the seven that got away yeah yeah.

So you want to go back to that meal infection-free.

Yes, please.

And finish it off.

If possible.

Here's the thing, though.

Like all good genies, there's always a catch if I do stuff like that.

So I can take the UTI away from you, but I'm going to have to give it to someone else.

Okay.

So who do you want it to go to?

Maisie Adams.

Straight to Maisie.

I think I can guess what your actual main course is.

I think you can, too.

Not what the dish is, but I think I can guess where it's from.

Oh, okay.

Just because we've talked about Chef's table a bit in the past.

i'm worried that you're going to say something that will then remind felicity of something else and she'll be living maybe it will i just think because you said it was so i know it's in sydney because you said that it was opposite the place where your main course is from oh yeah and i know that you like ben shoey's restaurant in sydney and i'm thinking that maybe it might be from ben shoey's place because i know you've i think you've been there interesting that you should say that yeah we haven't been there oh oh that's right we tried to book it we tried to book in and we can't

it's too far trying to book i i've not actually seen a lot of Chef's Table, but I think I might have seen that one.

You've definitely seen that one because me and you text each other doing it.

He's the New Zealand guy who buries stuff in the pit.

And so me and you, when the first series of Chef's Table went out, it was series one.

And Ed and I would text each other pretty much for every episode of Series 1 of Chef's Table.

And we really got obsessed with Really Want to Bury Stuff in a Pit.

Yeah.

And this was before we met Joe Thomas.

No, it's not from that.

Okay, okay.

So across from the Thai restaurant, which I can't remember the name, was a place up until last year.

It closed down last year.

It's been there for 30 years at least.

And it's called Harry's Singapore Chili Crab.

And that was their dish.

They did a chili mud crab that blew my fucking mind.

And it's filthy.

And I worked at a seafood restaurant.

So chili mud crabs became really big in like Sydney in the early 2000s.

In the northern part of Australia, mud crab's really common.

It's really cheap.

So it's not as expensive.

It was so expensive to eat in Sydney, I suppose, because of the transport and because it's seafood and they wanted it to be fresh.

So you can get this in like Northern Territory or North Queensland much easier.

But it's just a big bowl of crab that you need to...

hammer, massacre, nutcrack apart.

I'm sure there's a better word for a...

Is it nutcracker?

I know exactly what you mean.

Yeah, you need to take the tools to it.

You wear a bib.

You've got a big bowl of hot water with some lemon in it.

You've got another another bowl just for the detritus yeah of the crab you feel like an absolute animal eating it love it yeah love it animal eating animal yeah just hands probably you're gonna get a little bit of a burn on your finger because it's so hot but it's so goddamn delicious that you can't wait you've got chili all over your face you do it with someone that you love because you know you won't be judged having said that i'll eat that in front of anyone but also having said that you were saying earlier about you know your husband's views on your

you know, he doesn't like his face being licked.

He doesn't like using bottles.

How's he feeling about, would he really get stuck in there with a big would he love it as much as you?

Yes.

So he loves doing that.

It's not about like him not wanting to be dirty.

Yeah.

He loves food.

He is like lives for food far more than I do.

He just doesn't want to use the same fingerball as you.

He does not want to share a fingerbowl.

And that is fair.

Yeah.

But he's he's 100% health or leather into one of those meals.

And in fact when he sees me enjoying food that much that makes him as happy as he would be disgusted about touching me

if that makes sense yeah he loves watching me enjoy food yeah it really brings him a lot but he doesn't want to go anywhere near you not without a shower not without a fire hose

he does love food he loves food he gets emotional reading cookbooks yeah great yeah we have a lot of cookbooks we've actually just finishing Master Chef Australia season seven.

I think we've still got plenty to go.

So when I went round to Felicity's for dinner, they were watching Master Chef Australia.

At the time, they were like, oh, we're currently watching that.

If you want to watch it after dinner, I was like, yeah, because I've watched one series once.

That show is bananas to me.

I love it.

Yeah.

I love it.

It's three months.

They go and cook for three months.

in a competition.

It's the best MasterChef, I'll say.

It's the best Master Chef.

By a million months.

Yeah.

Well, you give the Australians a format, they're going to absolutely nail it and then up it by about 3,000.

Yeah, I think it's so, when I watch the English, that's the original, isn't it?

I watch that, I'm like, well, this isn't the same show.

No.

That's a lovely dish.

I feel nothing.

Whereas MasterChef, you're like, oh, God.

You're stressed for the entire time.

A whole hour.

We actually had to give ourselves a timeout.

And we made a rule the other day that we can't watch more than one MasterChef a day.

We don't have the nervous systems for it.

I don't have the constitution.

All right, well I'm going to start watching it.

I'll be stuck in.

There's 11 seasons and there's 64 episodes per season.

What are you talking about?

There is 64.

What is that?

You must be overestimating for humor or overstating it.

Your dream side dish.

Well, there's probably side dishes that are more interesting out there.

but the only other time I've become emotional about food was in Corfu and it was the first night and we went to a restaurant and of course we got a Greek salad because we're in Greece and I ate it and again I it tasted like the most perfect Greek salad I've ever had.

And I was like this is so delicious and it may be that I've been living in the UK for so long and you do get produce that lacks

flavor or freshness or locality.

Yeah, that would be be my side dish.

It's just a good old Greek salad.

From that place.

From that place.

The core food place.

On the beach, eating Greek salad, listening to the waves.

Was it just a holiday you were there for?

Just a holiday we were there for.

It was a little bit stressful, you know, when you don't realise how far out your Airbnb is and there's no public transport apart from a coach that happens once a day at like 4.45 a.m.

Yeah.

So you're like, well, we're not going to town again, are we?

Describe this salad now, because I'd like to know everything that's in the salad.

You know, what's in in a Greek salad?

It's a classic Greek salad.

Well, I don't know if I...

Obviously...

I don't know if you can see that.

Okay, you list what you think's in a Greek salad.

Okay, here we go.

Fetter.

Yes.

Olives.

Yes.

Tomato?

Yes.

Olive oil.

Yes.

A little bit of salt?

Plenty of salt.

He's worried now.

He's worried.

There's only one more like core core ingredient.

I'd say there's one more core ingredient that I would put in it, but then another one that I'd also put in it that's probably sacrilege.

Okay.

Am I just going to go basic cucumber here?

That's the one.

Yeah.

That's your standard.

What would you put in?

Well, there's actually two more ingredients.

Okay.

Red onion.

Yes, there was red onion.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dried oregano.

And dried oregano.

Both of them were in that one.

I'm brushing the red onion off.

Look, raw onion doesn't sit well with me.

As we've spoken about so many times, I have irritable bowel syndrome.

Yeah.

Red onion does not sit well with me, any raw onion.

But if I take it out, the flavour that it infuses the rest of the salad with still stands up.

Anything that you've mentioned in your menu so far that's a bit of a red light for the old IBS?

Chili and the crab, all right?

Yeah, chili's actually fine.

It's more creamy stuff.

The yogurt is fine.

Yogurt's fine.

But if it, like, I can smell a bosqueola and I shit myself.

Like a creamy boss gayola.

You can see that tweeted back at you, by the way.

Like a like a bacon mushroom creamy

pasta.

Would you eat it, though?

Is there anything that exists that's worth just blowing the bowl off the wall for?

Yeah, often it's the volume of food I eat.

I have a limit in my stomach where it goes, hey, look, you're an adult, you can make the decision, but if you eat more than this,

we're not going to be talking to your friends for the rest of the night.

You're going to be riding the porcelain bus.

My wife Charlie has IBS.

Yeah, yep.

What's her biggest?

She can have...

a teaspoon of hummus and then after that chickpeas

will kick the shit out of her literally i can eat a bowl of hummus by itself.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Which my son calls Thomas.

Very cute.

Yeah, that's great.

More Thomas, please.

You can have as much Thomas as you like, son.

Never stop.

Never, ever correct him.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's Thomas for the rest of his life.

Even though it will lead to a very embarrassing incident in later life.

Do you know what that feels like?

Not my problem.

It's Lully Boof, Thomas.

It's absolutely lolly boofy.

It's lolly boof.

Lolly boof, Thomas.

If I have some rice that's undercooked, see you later.

Really?

I've got a big, crampy tummy on that one.

Yeah.

But if I eat like heaps and heaps of ice cream,

but this is probably not a good thing to say on this podcast.

I think ice cream is fine.

I think it's good.

Nice having you on.

Yeah, look, been lovely to meet you.

I think there's some good ice cream out there, but it's not something that I live for.

But I think that's just to, just, look, just as a teacher.

Let's bring the temperature down.

I know what you're about.

I think you've had to tell yourself that and decided it because you know that you can't eat a lot of it.

So that's you've given yourself that opinion to mean that you're not missing out.

You would love to think that, wouldn't you?

I would really like you to say that.

I agree with you.

I do understand some of that because, like, when

Penn Jolette had to lose loads of weight,

Pendillette, the magician,

saw an interview with him and they asked him about that.

And he said that after a while of just not eating all those things that you used to eat, the thought of them is just disgusting now.

And he's like, I don't think donuts are nice anymore because I just haven't had them in so long.

And then they just seem, it seems insane to want to eat a donut and all that, everything that's in it.

I can understand if you just like, you can't go near ice cream.

And then eventually you're just like...

That seems mad that anyone would eat that thing.

Why would I want that?

No, I look.

So there's a,

it used to be called the New Zealand Ice Cream Company, I think, or Confectionery Confectionery Company.

And they made this incredible ice cream called Hokey Pokey.

And it was like vanilla, and then it had toffee balls all the way through.

That, I think, is amazing.

If I ate too much of that, I would absolutely feel sick.

But we were exposed to very poor quality ice cream, the Napolitan three-stripe.

No one's eaten the strawberry.

You're classic.

And it was the cheap version, so it always just tasted like the frozen ice particles on top.

You know that?

We were like, this tastes cheap.

This isn't good ice cream.

I mean, yeah.

I'll go on record though and say that the only ice cream flavor that tastes better in that version is Raspberry Ripple.

The cheaper the Raspberry Ripple, I've said it before,

the better the Raspberry Ripple.

And I want the crystals in there for the Raspberry Ripple.

I want it to be yellow vanilla ice cream.

I want it as cheap as possible.

I feel like that about apple juice.

I don't give a shit about cloudy apple juice.

I don't care if it's come out of a machine.

I want may contrain, may contain traces of apple.

That's what I want to see.

Your dream drink.

Okay, question.

Yes.

You have different drinks throughout the meal.

Like you have a drink while you're eating your entree, a main or before, and then you might have a coffee or a tea.

Yeah.

If you want to do that, can I have two different drinks?

Let's hear your drinks throughout the meal when you're having them.

Okay.

I'm going to have the drink that the man made me when he gave me the son-in-law egg.

Yes.

That drink was amazing.

I don't know what was in it, but it made me feel happy.

I would drink that all the way through the meal.

But that's the awful thing because you said to him, Mate, whatever, and you didn't check what it was, you'll never be able to have that again.

I can in the dream restaurant.

That's true, but I mean, in real life, you can never have that again.

But thank you for bringing that up.

Yeah,

I feel fine about that.

Did you say there was mint?

There was definitely mint in it.

Definitely mint.

I want to say passion fruit.

Probably like a pineapple and orange juice, or maybe like an apple juice to like dilute it a little bit.

Cheap apple juice.

God, I hope so.

I hope it wasn't natural apple juice.

What if you found out that like all you'd actually done was like empty some cartons of mbongo into a thing and just put some straws in and send it to you and tricked you?

I'd be pretty happy because I've never had anything called mbongo and that is the best name I've ever heard of a drink.

Really?

Mbongo.

You're reacting to that like we reacted to googie eggs.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, mbongo is pretty funny.

Have you never heard of mbongo?

How long have you lived in the UK?

Eight years.

I would say I have not explored the soft drinks of this country in a way that I should have.

Well, I don't start with umbongo.

It's foul.

Most of us started with mbongo.

Yeah.

What other recommendations would you make?

You've your fine.

Well, obviously I'd recommend Corston Press.

Corston Press.

You've got to get on the Corston Press.

What's Corston Press?

You've got to get on the Corstones.

So that's

an apple.

Slightly fizzy.

Apple.

Oh, like an apple tiser.

But yeah, but also you can get it with rhubarb in it and you can get it with orange in it and you can get it with elderflower in it.

It's fancy pants.

Fancy pants.

It's pretty fancy pants, but it's also, I would say, and it's usually James who's big enough, of course.

Impress.

I love it.

It's a treat, but also you can drink it and it's as refreshing as water.

Oh, I love that.

But not in a weak way, like a flavoured seltzer.

Yeah, you know, they're like, it's flavoured water.

It's like.

If you are not grown up enough that you can drink a bottle of water, you don't deserve a little bit of flavour.

Exactly.

Flavoured water is bad for you.

Just like grow up.

If you're having to drink flavoured water, oh shit.

Oh, yeah, I know about this one.

Oh, this guy's great.

Can I drink it?

Yeah.

Yes.

Paulston Press apple.

This, so because I don't drink, the most.

I'm going to have that rhubarb one.

Yeah, you are.

Thank you.

The guys at Paulston Press, you lucky fuckers, they've done really well out of us.

The amount of times I bring it up.

Yeah, no, I know about these guys.

I suppose, because if something's fancy and it's apple and it's sparkling, I'll drink it.

I'm a bit fussy when it comes to ginger beer.

Yeah.

And I will say that the, is it Jamaica Gold?

Uh-huh.

Old Jamaica?

Jamaica Gold?

Which one?

Old Jamaica, I think it is.

One of them's alcohol and one of them's just a ginger beer soft drink.

Old Jamaica is ginger beer soft drink, I think.

Yeah, that's not no point.

It's not fiery enough for you?

No, it's weak.

You want them fiery as possible?

Yeah, you know when you get like a fentamines and you're like, I don't know if I have taste buds anymore.

Like my sinuses just got perforated.

Chewing a bit of ginger.

Yeah.

I love a fentamines.

Love, yeah, a fever tree.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, they take the lining off the roof of your mouth.

I mean, to that.

But obviously, your Bundaberg ginger beer, that's your classic.

Sure.

Actually, the Bundaberg ginger beer may have been the basis to the drink that I had.

It may have been ginger beer, passion fruit, mint.

Look, imagine what this podcast would be if I could remember anything.

So that's your drink.

That's my drink.

For the sort of main part of the meal.

For the main part of the meal, along with my tap water or my bottled water.

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When we get to dessert, do you want me to do dessert or do you want me to do drink?

Let's do both.

If they're together, let's just segue into both of them.

They work together.

I love a coffee with my dessert.

Yeah.

And especially this one.

So there is a place in Melbourne, which is an iconic restaurant called the European.

It's under a place or right next to a place called the Supper Club, which if

you've been to the Supper Club?

Yeah, lovely.

Supper Club's wonderful.

They specialize in cheese and wine.

And as someone who doesn't drink, they have enough cheese for that bar to be interesting for me.

So just down the road is a place called the European, and they used to be open to like three or four in the morning, and they served beautiful European food, something they served once.

And it was actually the first time I had Buffalo Mozzarella was there as well.

They did something called a creme catalana, which is like an orange creme brulee that comes from Catalan.

And it was amazing.

It was absolutely amazing.

And I think it came with a tiny little empanada on the side too, like an orangey, yummy empanada and maybe some ice.

It might have had like a mandarin ice cream or something with it.

And that was just

so, I mean, that would be seven or eight years ago.

No, it would have been 10 years ago.

And I still remember it.

It's just like creme catalana.

Yes, please.

Creme catalana.

I've only had it a couple of times in my life, but so rich.

Not bad, is it?

I love a creme brulee.

Yeah.

I love it.

It's not the same thing, but you know the creme caramels that you get in the little pot that you tab the ends and you turn it upside down?

I still buy myself those sometimes.

I hate those.

Do you?

Well, you know why?

Because they're not good.

But I think there's, compare them to a creme brulee.

Those creme caramels are like wobbly,

like a jelly consistency.

A creme brulee, sounds obvious to say, creamy.

Yeah.

It's delicious.

It's creamy.

It's rich.

Those wobbly things in a pot.

They remind me of my childhood, though.

I grew up very poor, and that was something that we were like, we could afford and felt fancy because we didn't eat much sugar either.

I would say they are fancy, those creme caramels.

They feel fancy to me.

I think fancy is a strong word to use.

As a dish, it feels fancy, a creme caramel.

Yeah, not out of a packet from a supermarket.

I know the ones you're talking about.

It feels fancy.

Sure.

Yeah.

Is it because they've got that nice handwriting on top?

They've got like a blue logo and the fancy white.

I think it's the tab.

I think, honestly, it's the turning and and pulling the little tab and you're like, ooh, I'm cooking.

I didn't know to pull the tab till I was 25.

I thought you just turned it upside down and went, but lump bump.

I mean, yeah, creme brulee is another one where I just think even of shit creme brulee is better than most desserts.

Yeah, it is great.

A good creme brulee is top shelf.

You know what's disappointing?

When you go to a restaurant and they've got, I love dessert.

Yeah.

And they've got like seven desserts and all of them, I'm like, meh.

Yeah, yeah.

How can you have seven?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And be weak on all of them?

It's very upsetting.

Very upsetting.

And with those ones, I kind of want to say, can I see them all, please?

Because

whoever's written this menu hasn't described it very well.

Yeah.

And it all sounds rubbish.

And I would like to see which one looks the best because I'd like to know if you do have a good one.

I want a trolley situation.

If you secretly got a good one,

then I would like to get it.

Why would a restaurant secretly have...

Because some people, there might be good chefs that have got like little good a good dessert knocking around there but whoever's writing the menu is not lost in translation yeah yeah they need to like write a good description or give the dish a more fun name but instead if it just says like you know bean and cake brownie cheesecake that and it's like that all sounds pretty standard and i don't know if any of that's going to be any good whereas you know there are versions of all those things that are mind-blowing and i'm so the name that sells it to you do you rather than see like trifle you want to see like cream fuck apocalypse or something i would love to see that.

Obviously, I'd get to eat that.

Yeah, I'd get a cream fuck apocalypse.

I think I want to fuck that.

Yeah.

But a lot of the time, it's just the description.

If there's a one-line description on the menu of something and they're just written it and it sounds absolutely great,

that's what draws me in.

So it's the one-line description.

I'll take just about any sticky toffee pudding.

It doesn't matter if it's good or bad.

Whatever it is on the spectrum, I will eat that.

And kind of with a brownie too.

But you know, when you're not always in the mood for a brownie at the end of a meal because you've you've really gone to town yeah and you get to the end you're like oh brownie yeah that's gonna sit like a lump and push that down pretty quickly you don't want a brownie if you've gone to townie you do not want a brownie if you've gone to towny

well that sounds great and also you've made me really miss um eating in melbourne as well like i had so many good meals in melbourne and now really when you were saying like somewhere in melbourne

I was like, oh, we'll be Hairy Canary.

Yeah, Hairy Canary.

That's great to go with.

A little tough far.

Some places open late after you've done your shows.

Go there with another, maybe there's another comic nearby.

They've just finished their show.

Yeah.

Straight to Harry Canary.

There's also a place at the end of.

DeGrave Street is the street.

And there's a little Italian restaurant and it's next to a grilled.

And my God, I love a grilled.

Yeah.

Love a grilled.

I love a grilled.

And people make fun of me for it when I'm in Australia that I like grilled.

You know what else everyone makes fun of me of in Australia because I love it?

What?

Schnitz.

Who makes fun of you about a schnitzel?

No, you go to Sydney.

no one's making fun of you about a schnitzel no because i'm going to schnitz is there a place called schnitz yeah there's a there's a like uh all of these places you only like them because you like saying the name hairy canary

schnitzer schnitz meatballs meatballs have you been to meatballs no oh meatballs in melbourne guess what they do yeah

i took a whole posse to schnitz once i went we're all going to schnitz we all play football i said i'm going to schnitz and then everyone was like posse everyone copied me and we all went to schnitz and we got we got some schnitzels together it was great just because you like saying it That whole thing was just designed so you could say schnitzel.

It's the first place I go every time I arrive in Melbourne.

It's just around the block from the hotel.

I go to schnitz, I get an MG wrap.

What about Lord of the Fries?

You ever hit those?

Yeah, I'll go to Lord of the Fries sometimes, but like, you know.

It's a real place.

It's a chain.

Lord of the Fries.

I've been to New Zealand and there was one there.

Oh, okay.

So I know that.

I know that exists.

Okay.

All the rest of this is clearly made up.

Like most of Australia.

Tell us about this coffee.

I am an ex-barista and I used to work in a cafe and it was across the road from this place called Campos.

And this was, yuck, 20 years ago.

Foul, I can't believe I'm so old.

And across the road, this place called Campos, they roasted their own beans.

They had a limit because it was across the road from the university.

You were allowed to sit at a table 45 minutes per coffee.

So you couldn't study in there.

You couldn't sit in there for hours.

They did maybe two treats with it.

Like maybe there was like a brownie and maybe one other cake, but they weren't interested in your fucking side dishes or even your patronage.

Take the coffee and get out of my fucking face.

That's what Campos said.

Everyone went there for coffee.

We made good coffee, but they were incredible.

Now they've become quite ubiquitous now.

They've sold it as a chain.

We actually, I worked at another restaurant and if you want to sell Campos, they have a representative come to your cafe and you have to make them a coffee.

So the quality of what you make has to match the flavor of the beans they sell you.

They got me to make it.

Were you rude to people?

No, I'm very nice to people.

I loved making coffee.

I went to a place in Melbourne once where they were very rude before.

I asked some question beforehand.

You idiot.

You absolute idiot.

And they really talked to me like I was an absolute idiot.

You need to know stuff before you go in.

Yeah.

Because the food and the drink was so good there.

Yeah.

I still still had stuff yeah yeah and i just felt like such a little win i was just sitting there waiting for my coffee when i was like why am i doing this and yeah they're just so rude to me i should have just left i'm staying here because i'm a little wimp and i want the coffee so badly and they know it as well they know it and they know they knew i'd stand for it i'm gonna read your um order back to you now see how you feel about it water you would like still room temperature water big bottle yes poplums of bread bread with basil leaves olive oil buffalo mozzarella and tomatoes starter you'll explosion from Gagan.

Gagan.

Gagan in Thailand.

Main course, Harry Singapore chili mud crap.

Side of Greek salad from Corfu.

Drink, son-in-law egg guys drink.

Yep.

Is what Benito's written here.

Put that on a dessert menu.

That would sell it.

And a dessert, the creme catalana.

from the European in Melbourne with a campos coffee.

Yeah.

That sounds like a good night, doesn't it?

Yeah, it really does.

And like reading it back as well, I think having a starter that's that simple and emotional followed by a really like you know getting involved main course where you're digging into a crab i i like it you you've got a lot of variety even the side experiences as well you wouldn't feel like those two things go together yeah but i think you're getting mucky with the crab and then you've just got like a clean delicious fresh side yeah and like there'd be lemon in the olive oil as well just to cut through it yeah yeah i kind of think they go together it's really nice it's a good menu I've got to say, it's Lully Buff.

It is Lully Buff.

Buffalo.

Thanks very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

I'm full as a goog.

There we are.

A great menu.

A lovely menu, actually.

I want that yoghurt explosion.

I want to go to that place.

I really want that.

I'd like to try that drink.

I'd try a lot of things.

The honorable munchon sounded delicious.

That's a tasty, tasty menu there.

That drink sounds lovely yeah if you popped in a couple of shots or something sure

sure

a couple of weegins yeah yeah yeah

also so many restaurants mentioned in that so be sure to go to the off menu official website yes which is off menupodcast.co.uk.

Correct.

And there's a page on there.

Every single restaurant that gets mentioned on the off-menu podcast is listed there, hyperlinked.

You can go and book yourself a table at them.

And Felicity did not say jelly from a pork pie, which means we can plug her website, felicityward.com.

Thank you very much for listening.

Come and see me on tour at gamble.co.uk.

Go and see Felicity.

She's on Twitter and Instagram.

Go and look at those as well.

Go and see James in Scandinavia.

Yeah, come and see me in Scandinavia.

You know, treat yourself.

If you live in Scandinavia, just come along.

If you don't, you know, why not pop over and see what, you know, the weirdest part of my career looks like.

My favorite thing about this Scandinavian tour is it's the thing that I've seen Benito laugh at the most consistently.

Yes.

And not the show.

Yes.

The idea of you doing a Scandinavian tour after not doing stand-up for nearly three years.

Every time it gets bought up, he laughs so much.

Yeah.

Does that worry you?

No, actually, the more you laughs, the more it makes it worth it that I'm doing it.

I'm quite glad that I'm doing it.

Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah.

Yeah, it like reinforces a funny idea.

How are you going to plug it?

I'll just on this.

But are you because you don't have socials anymore?

No.

So I'll just do it on this.

Yeah, fair enough.

Yeah.

So I'll get a day off in Copenhagen and have great food there.

Yeah.

Just go to Copenhagen.

Yeah, but this.

Benito's nodding.

Yeah, but this way I get to go to Copenhagen and Sweden.

Could do that, though.

But I'd have to organise it.

Thank you very much for listening to the Off Media podcast.

We will see you again next week, where I'd imagine we'll be discussing James's Scandinavian tour in even more depth.

You know it.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September, at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.