Ep 158: Maisie Adam

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We're here.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, spooning the coffee of conversation into the cafeteria of chat, pouring on the hot water of humor and pushing down the plunger of the internet.

Hello, James.

Hello, Ed Gamble.

I'm just trying to think.

I mean, obviously, there's a cafeteria on the windowsill over there.

That's where you got that idea from.

Well, I looked over there.

I'll tell you what's happened: is that I was going to do a tea bag with tea, hot water onto it, do that sort of thing for the intro.

And then we decided on the secret ingredient already, which is tea-based, spoiler warning.

And I didn't want you to think that I'd got the idea for my intro from the tea-based thing.

So I quickly changed it.

But it seems that I'm in a similar situation because now you're accusing me of

yeah the cafeteria is there but it's not why I did it because it was sat right there Benito made me a coffee earlier thank you Benito yes this is the off-menu podcast we invite a guest into our dream restaurant and we ask them their favourite ever starter main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week our guest is

Maisie

Adam Maisie Adam a wonderful comedian so funny I mean you know you might have seen her on mock the week you might have seen her live tour shows.

Maybe you've seen her on a mix bill.

She pops up and she's been on Hypothetical with Josh Whitticomb and myself.

She's been on Wilty.

Wilty, as it's called in the biz.

Wilty, M-T-W,

H.

She's done them all.

She's not done H.

That makes me sound like I'm accusing her of being a drug addict.

Yeah.

Hypothetical, I was talking about, which is as addictive as heroin.

Yeah.

Oh,

it certainly is, folks.

Certainly is for the guys at Dave.

They can't get enough of that.

They can't get enough.

They keep recommissioning recommissioning it.

Well, Maisie's a fantastic comic, but...

She's on tour soon.

A what?

She's on tour.

Music to my ears.

Tell me more.

Yeah, it's called Buzzed, James, and it starts in September.

Oh, everyone, you better get tickets to that ASAP.

It's going to be so funny.

You're going to be rolling in the aisles.

If there are aisles.

Yeah, and if there's not, maybe just roll in that bit between your seat and the seat in one of you.

Yeah.

Or all go down to the front of the stage and roll around with it.

To a little mosh pit.

Yeah, that'd that'd be good.

I'd love it if people moshed at Maisie's gig.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, you'd like it at your gig show.

Just sit there, just slap a smile on your face, and we'll get through it.

Yeah.

I'm on tour as well.

The show's called Electric.

It's going all over the UK.

So go to edgamble.co.uk for more information to see me live.

Electric Buzz.

Electric Buzzed.

We should team up.

I mean, that's really people buying tickets to comedy shows should be seeing those shows back to back.

Yeah, they should be, really.

That's important.

See mine first and then Maisie.

Yeah, Electric Buzzed.

Yeah.

Not Buzzed Electric.

Buzzed Electric sounds like some sort of knockoff Toy Story

merch.

I'd buy it.

I'd buy tickets to the shows.

Not gonna ask for freebies.

Yes, you can have a freebie.

Thank you.

Or don't come.

That is an option.

But of course, however good a comedian Maisie Adam is, if she says a secret ingredient, which we will say now,

then she will be kicked out of the dream restaurant.

Yes, and this week, the secret ingredient is

green tea.

Green tea.

Green tea.

Now, this is a controversial choice, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

Some people love it.

Do you love it?

I love it.

I love it as a flavor.

I don't like a cup of green tea.

I'm thinking more of a cup of green tea.

I like it as a flavour.

So, yeah, I mean,

I'm on your side there.

Yeah.

But a cup of tea.

Are we talking about...

So if Maisie talks about having a cup of green tea, maybe as her drink.

Yes.

Then she's out of it.

And she's out.

If she says match a green tea ice cream or something, I'm not going to chuck anyone out of it.

Exactly.

Exactly.

But like a green tea bag in water.

No.

It tastes like spoons.

I'm not into it.

Oh, it does taste like spoons.

I remember getting into, you know, herbal teas and stuff like that and thinking, oh, maybe green tea is going to be the way to go for me as well.

Uh-uh.

Nuh.

Nuh.

Nuh.

So if Maisie says green tea, nu-uh-uh.

Uh-uh-uh.

She'll be out on her ass and we will make no apology.

And green tea, James, was suggested by a listener, specifically Francis Bell.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling!

It's Francis.

Thank you, Francis Bell.

Now, this is the off-menu menu of Francis

Maisie Adam.

Maisie Adam!

Digga-liga-ling!

Digga-lig-a-ling!

Welcome, Maisie, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you.

Oh!

Welcome, Maisie Adam, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

I didn't think the genie came out so quickly.

Yes.

Yeah.

He's not trying to rush you along or anything.

No, I was going to say, I started looking at my watch thinking, right?

Should we just go straight to dessert?

Thought I was going to stay in the lamp for a bit.

You thought you were going to stay in there.

What?

Is that what you thought?

Yeah.

Well, yeah.

Yeah.

Normally, I think there's a good few minutes.

But I listen, I'm glad you're out of the lamp.

Lovely to have you.

Well, it's always interesting.

I think we've discussed it before.

He does just come out of the lamp, even though in Genie Law.

In genie lore.

Yeah, you've got to rub it normally, right?

Normally, but that's like you know.

There's a lot of unsolicited appearances

from the genie

when you listen to the episodes.

Just a lot of like you don't you it's it's not like a vampire where you wait to be invited yeah you just spring spring out that lamp yeah imagine if we had done this podcast and i'd chosen to be a vampire that would i mean

yeah that would have a really different vibe to this vampire waiter this yeah the vampire waiter just looming over you even when you've ordered he stays stood over you in his cape

watching you drink your soup slowly yeah what do you think vampires want people to eat so they their blood tastes nice good Good question.

Oh, yeah, what would make, I guess, stuff with lots of iron in it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that iron brew?

Just iron brew.

Just drinking iron brew.

Yeah, spinach.

Iron brew and spinach sounds like it could have been on the ideas table for what Rocky ate in the films before they got to Roar Egg.

Just iron brew and spinach in the monte.

I would have liked to have seen that.

Sylvester Salone opening his fridge in his tiny apartment in the middle of the night.

Would have been a better film.

Chopping up some spinach and kale and

downing an iron brew.

Yeah.

Burping his way through the fight.

Yeah, and instead of Adrienne, it's just

a little Dracula in the corner.

I'd prefer that.

Yeah.

Hate Rocky.

Oh, I recently watched it for the first time, having never done so and heard all the hype.

And it was one of them where you just keep making.

What do you mean you heard all the hype about Rocky?

Not 2022.

It's just catching up on my hype.

People seem to love Rocky.

There's this film out called Rocky.

They've somehow managed to do six or seven.

But no, just like, because you often see like posters of Rocky or like it's always like it's quoted a lot.

And then I watched it and it was again one of them things where I kept glancing at my watch thinking, surely the main plot would have kicked in by now.

And it just didn't.

I don't have a lot of old films.

Yeah, yeah.

I watched a lot of old films over Christmas though and some were quite good.

There's some good old films.

There are some good old films.

Yeah, that's my tip.

There's some good old if you look hard enough, there's some good old films out there.

Rocky

won best picture at the Oscars.

No, it didn't.

It did.

Rocky won best picture.

Sylvester Salone won best screenplay.

But there were like four films.

Like there's a thing.

It's easy to win.

There's like four films then.

It's like when Edinburgh Comedy Award.

Right, yeah.

When it was like the Perio.

There were like eight comics went up to Edinburgh.

Yeah.

You just had to turn up and toot a horn.

Yeah, exactly.

Much harder to get nominated, you know, 2010s onwards.

I'd say it's even harder to be nominated so many times and not win.

Not win.

I would say that too.

I would say, I'd say that takes some doing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That would be an interesting category to be in, wouldn't it, Ed?

It's amazing.

How is someone good enough to be nominated but not good enough to win?

Yeah.

It's a pretty bleak existence, though, isn't it?

Wow, imagine asking yourself that question on an annual basis.

Should have had more ironblue, mate.

I think we have to make a pact here and now that if you ever do win an Edinburgh Comedy Award,

you have to go up to the mic and only go, Adrian!

Adrian!

And from the back of the room, Ed, you have to go,

yeah,

unless Adrian Chiles is in the room.

Oh, yeah, in which case you'd be having a hard day, wouldn't it?

He'd be confused.

Not hard.

Confusing the Charles.

Why would Adrian Charles be in the room?

Would he be your plus one?

Yeah, I'd bring him to the room.

Yeah, I'd be like, wait till you wait.

Just in case, James, every time I've been nominated Ed sport, Adrian Charles, along, just to see.

Unless a very awkward conversation follows.

Sorry, Adrian.

I'll pay for your train back to West Bronx.

Would you like food or something?

Do I like food or something?

Yeah, I do look.

I love food.

I really do.

I like lots and lots of food.

Big spreads.

I'm not about.

This is where

I might anger Ed early on here.

Great.

When I hear the word foodie, I think someone like you who likes to go to them very posh places.

No, no, where the food is small.

The food is dead small on a plate.

When I think of myself as a foodie, I'm thinking of a big, full casserole dish.

Yeah, of course.

Right, so you're not even thinking of plates.

No, no.

Play out the dish.

This is going to be a reoccurring theme throughout, I'll warn you now.

I think plates waste time.

That's amazing.

So there's that whole thing, that Twitter account called We Want Plates, which is against all those.

Have you not seen We Want Plates?

We Want Plates is like people sending pictures of hipster restaurants where they'd like to

do a shovel or a slate or something.

Yeah, that's very popular, slates and shopping balls.

Whereas you don't even want plates.

You want it straight out the pan.

I just, listen,

I just don't like it where there's more plate than food.

And you go to some lovely establishments and you'll post it on your story and oh, that's nice, but there's more plate than food there.

And I just think as a general rule, food should be the dominating feature of a meal than China.

Yeah, I think you might have convinced me that that's the case as well.

Yeah.

Just like, I'll be honest, Dad, I'll say it.

Sometimes I look at your story and I go, that could have been on a saucer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That didn't have to be on a plate.

Yeah.

It didn't.

You said, I'm going to be honest now, as if you were about to say the most offensive thing in the the world.

You know what, Maisie?

I've got no problem with you looking at my Instagram story and thinking that could have been on a saucer.

Yeah.

Okay, I was just feeling the feeling the whole time.

By the end, I'll be

horribly offensive.

I reckon you'd be in his head now.

I reckon next time he

Instagram stories, a food photo.

Yes.

You know, don't look at me like you don't know what those words are.

Just making sure

I'm getting it right.

I was trying to work out what was happening there.

He looked ever so nervous.

Instagram story something.

I don't know if that's.

I think that's right.

I think we know what you mean.

Yeah, yeah.

But you definitely know what photo means, so it seems weird that you would...

Jekyll didn't know what you're calling him these days.

In my head, James takes photos on one of those ones where you click it with your hand and it's got a wire attached to a camera that's very far away.

And it has to sit there for half an hour so it develops properly.

Yeah.

Do you feel that because you're off social media, do you feel like an old man now?

Like the world's moving on without you.

I feel like I'm more paranoid about that happening.

Right.

Like I won't know.

Like even considering doing stand-up again i'm like i have no idea what people are talking about though oh yeah so am i going to go on and say a bunch of stuff that everyone's already made those jokes on social media everyone's already talked about that and i'm just sounding like someone's parent just said a bunch of stuff that like i think is a really good idea i've had whereas actually all the teenagers have already said it online right i really love the idea that your next show will just be you getting up with physical photos going some people think this dress is gold

some people think it's blue

what do you think

took both these pages

over and over here's a question um why is your impression of me more northern than you are

i think maisie went into her stage voice My stage voice,

which is more northern than you are.

You say this sometimes, and I don't know what you mean.

Well, when I'm speaking to you now

you definitely sound northern.

Right.

But when

you go on stage, here's how you sound.

Don't you dare.

My name's Maryandam.

Oh fucking hell.

I don't sound like Johnny Vegas when I go on stage.

This happens a lot, right?

You do this.

Rhys James says it.

Whenever Rhys James has an impression of me, it sounds like a mixture of Johnny Vegas and Paddy McGinnis.

Yes.

No, I actually don't think you northern it up at at all.

No, I don't think I do.

I think you northern you up.

Do you northern me up?

Yeah, I do you.

Yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah.

But that's my answer to, am I a foodie?

It's yes, but you like more food than you do.

I think that's different to what people assume.

Do you not think when people say foodie, they mean like there's negative connotations to it.

MasterChef type people.

Maybe.

But I think what we

do is just do you think about food?

Do you enjoy it?

I think about food a lot.

I think about food.

When I float off into a daydream, nine times out of ten, it'll go to food.

Yeah, like, you know, when you go, like, get a train to a gig, I'll like look out the window.

I'll think about a few things, but

nine times out of ten comes back to food.

Just like, oh, I go to say it out loud and then I just realise how odd that sounds.

But like, sometimes I think, how many lasagnas could you eat before it's too many?

Like, how many full lasagna?

Yeah, full lasagnas.

If you had lasagna for breakfast, lunch and dinner, would that be too much?

How big are we talking?

Like a whole casserole dish of lasagna.

Okay, so one.

So definitely one.

Yeah, I mean, not even one.

Right?

Do you not think?

I'm sorry to piss on your daydreams.

I think I would get nearly two servings of lasagna in and go, this is enough.

I've got to stop.

And that would be the corner of the casserole dish.

How about a pasta bake?

Or the same.

I mean, whatever.

I couldn't eat a casserole dish of anything if you're asking.

For real?

Like a whole...

You'd have to have have no

cold

by the way don't ever talk about that all the kids are talking about cold design

yeah don't do that yeah oh no yeah oh no

no i i could eat i mean you could eat a casserole dish of like salad

yeah probably because again sometimes i don't plate up my food this is not a good trait in a person i understand but i'll make a big dish of something like or and it'll be in the big pan and i'll just eat it and i think sometimes i wonder if i've had the equivalent of a whole a whole dish well surely you know but you literally eat a lot of dishes.

The rest of us don't have to guess that.

I'm looking at an empty dish.

I wonder if I've had an empty dish there.

The people using plates have to think.

I wonder how if I've had a dish well, if you're eating it out the dish, you know that you've had the dish.

Right, the big pot, the big pot that is

maybe 20 centimetres high, that one that you cook.

A pan.

Like a big

weekly meal in.

I think the pots are centimetres, but yeah.

A big weekly meal.

You cook for a week.

Okay, how do you work?

Do you cook one meal on a Monday and then eat that for the rest of the week?

No, I'll cook a meal on a Monday and a meal on a Tuesday and alternate them.

Okay.

Maybe.

With a little bit of a treat in between if my fiancé will will cook something.

That, to me.

Yeah.

You said it as if everyone does that.

Does not everyone do that?

That's not normal to me.

Do you make a new meal every night?

Yes.

Or you want to find a hobby.

I do.

Cook a new cooking.

I mean.

I don't have the time to cook a new meal every day.

No, I really don't because you're too big.

It's a big stamp collecting or whatever it is, you're doing it.

What are you?

What's your one?

I've got other things I like to do.

I'm now thinking of those things.

And

I could cook because it's usually things like watching Only Connect or...

Yeah, what you're describing is almost like a sort of Steve Jobs type thing, that he could only wear, he only wore one type of outfit, so he could just didn't have to think about it.

And you're cooking one meal at the beginning of the week, and you're meal prepping, essentially, aren't you?

Essentially, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So give us an example of one of these big pots.

Chicken tea.

Oh, right, okay.

So chicken tea, cup panilla, like I'll make all that together and then sometimes I like to just make it into a pie at the last minute.

Just bob.

Last minute.

Yeah.

So like it's already.

It's the best appearance of the word Bob.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it's like in that, like you've already

got chicken, spinach,

panilla, all of that.

It's lovely and you can eat it like in a bowl or whatever.

And then sometimes I just think, you know what, there's enough here and I'll put some pastry over it.

Sounds lovely.

You don't have to say put some pastry if you don't want to pick it up.

Don't feel like you need to change just because Ed's spike that up.

It's a thing, Bob.

If you bob some pastry on.

But by the end of the week, are you not bored of it?

No.

Because I know there's a new week next week.

That's the fun of life.

Well, imagine that feeling every day.

Still of sparkling water.

Oh, still every time.

Still every time.

Sparkling water.

I listen to this podcast and it's interesting.

A lot of people's takes on this bit.

Thank you.

I think particularly Claudia Winkleman's, which still makes me laugh.

But I do think sparkling water is

a scam.

I think it's not...

Just grow up.

Like,

no, it's not.

Water is lovely.

It's refreshing and I understand why they bring it out.

And then...

Sparkling water, it doesn't taste of...

Like, I think if you're going to have a fizzy drink, it needs to be like a Coke or a lemonade.

it has to taste of something specific this is just water but but carbonated and I don't know why you do that that's a that's a really half-arsed effort from whoever came up with it why is it a scam though because they're trying to pass it off as something

well no obviously like I don't think anyone's making money from sparkling water

well yeah well that's the scam I guess that's the scam is all these water companies

don't think of it coming after water this early on don't let them get in your head.

But this is the right, like if you're going to sell water, grand, Evian, fine, crack on.

What I find annoying is when they then try and carbonate it and pass that off as a whole new drink.

No, what you're selling there is dull lemonade.

Yeah.

It's lemonade and you've forgotten to add the crucial ingredient.

Lemon.

Listen, I've watched Only Connect.

I'm ready.

I'm ready.

So I watch Only Connect because

my host offended me once.

Did she?

Yeah, she came on this this podcast and really threw a weight around.

Is that not a term?

No, I really like it.

She's usually used

for sort of much more,

I would describe alpha male type people.

Do you think Victoria Corin Mitchell is an alpha male?

She's an alpha.

Oh, she's absolutely an alpha, yeah.

Yeah, well, you've got to be with poker, haven't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe she's just got in your head as opposed to

showed me who's boss.

So I can't watch OnlyConnect because I just, you know, feel instantly inferior.

it's one of them where i give myself a point if i understand the question yeah see also university challenge it's over a question and then it's like if you sit down and eat a casserole dish full of lasagna

how much of a casserole dish have you rate right no that was me wording it incorrectly i know what i mean

there maisie loves quizzes she's really oh don't don't you dare

Well, what's coming up here?

She's really good at quizzes.

Do you not know this?

I don't know you're good at quizzes.

Well, you know, just before he gets in with this yeah i have won richard osmond's house of games oh good

so i'm all right at some you're in good company we've quizzes yeah we both won it maisie before she was a comedian i'm so close to walking out was on the chat was on the chase oh really maisie that's pretty cool do you want to tell james what happened i took the minus offer which was minus three thousand pounds because i did quite badly in the cash builder and i was against paul cinner yeah the cinnamon the cinnamon and he offered me minus three thousand pounds And the lady before me.

He must have known you were a new comedian.

The lady before me, this woman called Mary, she'd gone for the higher offer.

And so she'd already bagged 54K.

So I thought, I'll just take the lower offer and be easier.

We'll still have lots of money.

So I took the lower offer and still lost.

Still lost.

Was the only person that didn't make it through to the last bit.

So

you just have to sit at the side with the adjudicators and watch everyone else do the last round.

What was really annoying is they got it down to the last one second, and it was a question on Little Mix, and they didn't get it right.

And I knew

had I been in that cash builder, we'd have been splitting 54k between us.

Can I tell you the best bit about that?

The woman before me, Mary, Mary, she said, How do you know that?

I said, Mary,

she won 54k.

Sorry, I wasn't listening.

It's all right, James.

It's okay.

Sorry.

And

she won 54K, and Bradley Walsh went, Mary, what would you do if you won all that money today?

And she said,

Well, me and Milma, she was like in a mid-50s, I would say.

Sorry, Mary, if you're listening, but maybe even early 60s.

And she went, she went, oh, I'd really love to take my mum to see these.

We love monkeys, and I'd love to see these.

She said, like, this specific species of monkey.

She's like, and we'd love to see those monkeys.

And I was thinking, all right, yeah, where would that be?

You know, maybe like somewhere far in the world.

And then he went, oh, where'd you go to see them?

She went, Dudley Safari park

fucking hell mary take your mum anyway from fifty four c's she can take a mum to dudley

make it rain although they're monkeys

yeah yeah

big big spending spree in the gift shop of dudley safari park think yourself a shatterproof ruler

right pretty cool yeah so yeah still one

but pop a doms every time pop a doms pop-a-doms yeah Emphatic.

Yeah, 100%.

Bread's boring.

What?

Bread's boring, sorry.

What?

It is boring, especially in a restaurant, because they don't bring it.

Often they bring it with a little bowl of butter that's way too hard.

You can't toast it, you can't, they don't bring an interesting bread.

They never bring a tiger roll over, do they?

They just bring some like sliced up run-of-the-mill bread.

Poppa doms, however, they come with a selection of dips and chutneys and

it's just, yeah, I love it.

I really love a poppadom.

My local Indium takeaway is very, very nice.

It does like what I think is the best curry.

But when I first moved to that area, I went round to go and order, and there was nobody behind the desk, but there was the TV on in the entrance bit, and it was playing really, really,

well, not it's all of this is obvious, but um, it was playing porn on the telly.

So

it was just me in this room, stood behind the counter,

and there's no bell to ring.

So I was just stood in this very small room with a telly on playing porn.

It was just like a telly in the corner of the room.

Yeah, just a man going to town on this woman.

And she was very vocal.

So

that was the only sound.

And I was just sort of stood there.

I didn't know whether to look at my phone or to watch the porn.

No point watching porn on your phone, Maisie.

It's on the TV.

But then he appeared from the back, from the

same yard.

From the back of the restaurant.

Come across the film.

Are you enjoying it?

Are you enjoying the show?

Own the place.

Are you enjoying my washing?

Put your clothes on and come through and have some food.

You're not the first, you won't be the last.

Sorry, he came.

He came from the kitchen, stood behind, and then I felt like I was wrong because I felt like

he'd come into the room where porn was on and I was there.

So it's like you'd put the porn on.

So I felt the need to be like, I didn't put that on.

You said that.

Yeah.

And then he did.

And then he went, neither did I, but he looked very, very embarrassed.

Of course he did.

And then I had to make a decision then.

Well, not then, I should have really made it earlier, but whether or not to still order a curry from this place that had been

showcasing born in their entrance that if i walked into a takeaway yeah and there was porn on the telly i'm leaving immediately yeah so you turn right yeah well this is the thing i'd had a curry from there before and it was really good so i was trying to weigh up whilst this woman was enjoying herself and it's quite hard to have a a dilemma when it's against the backdrop of very loud orgasms.

But I was trying to think, how good was that curry?

And do I really want to still get it from here?

And then I didn't really have time to make my decision because then the man appeared.

And so then I was, then I just went, oh, I didn't put it on.

He went, no, me neither.

And then I just went, all right, chicken passanda, please.

You know what you should have said?

You should have said, I'll have what she's having.

Oh, I should have.

I could have had my own little.

Yeah.

But instead, you went with, I didn't put that on.

I didn't put that on.

Chicken padilla, please.

Or a chicken cormor.

Also, it sounds like what's happened, if he didn't put it on either, that someone,

someone really bad a chicken corner over there, giving the thumbs up to the bottom of the corner.

I think either we want to go with that or

chicken tikka masala.

We'll do it later, later, later, later, later, later.

Okay.

You're doing a Vindaloo one?

No.

Okay.

Fair enough.

He's got a new sound at the end.

Yeah, yeah.

There's probably a pop of the cherry dom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chicken brody.

Come on.

Chicken brog.

Horrendous.

Okay, I'm sorry.

What I think happened is I think someone else went there, got a curry.

On their way out, they noticed that the TV is just you can

change the channel yourself.

And they just went straight.

And they just went, mama mama, mama ma'am, that's funny.

And then they went home.

I hope so.

That sits better with me.

And then you turned up

and watched it.

but what telly what telly would have it you've you've

been terrestrial tv from the performance this woman was giving i don't think it was it was proper yeah i think there's a paid subscription going on

really and that that's what was quite unnerving as i watched was he watching this and then just sort of thought right better go and make some korma sauce yeah because that doesn't sit well was it like channel it wasn't like channel five no it wasn't like

what's that one that used to be on late at night um when you sex etc wasn't like

Euro Traft or anything.

It was like proper, like you could see.

Do you not remember Sex Ettera?

No, I don't think I remember.

Do you remember Sex Ettera?

Nobody else remember it.

No.

Or

no, just like sometimes.

Sometimes when you'd go through your channels late at night, there'd be quite erotic stuff on just a freeview channel and it's on a show called Sex Cetera.

But no, I didn't watch it.

I just

put it on.

No.

I didn't watch it either, hence why I know nothing about it.

But you,

I don't like that.

I feel like I've not even got to my dinner, and already the image I'm giving out is somebody who watches a heap of porn with a big casserole dish.

Yeah,

just straight out, you took the curry off him, straight out the pot.

Yeah, yeah, don't bother with the foil thing, bring the pan out.

Leave this on, turn it out, leave it, leave it on, turn it up.

I went out in the chase, you know.

So, pop a doms was the answer.

Pop-adoms and

porn.

Porn on?

No porn, thank you.

Up to you.

No porn in my poppadoms.

Thanks.

Not in it.

No, that would be a real shock.

Porn in the porn.

And then they brought the poppadoms out in that place and there was like he'd somehow fried a bit of porn in the middle of the poppadom.

When you crack it open, it makes a little noise.

That would be so disconcerting.

That's not what I.

I went to an Indian restaurant and you do the thing where you smash the poppadoms in the middle and it goes, oh,

Dude, that's not

like oh well.

When you say porn in the poppadoms, that is not what I thought.

That's even more whimsical.

I thought porn in the poppa doms were literally

what if you were with popped on the sword.

If you were with the poppadoms, they're making orgasm sound.

Would you leave the restaurant?

A work party.

Just should we get popped ons for the table?

That's Maisie's orgasm noise.

Edgewood's very like,

Maisie.

The clarinet.

Mine was the same sound when I got knocked out the chase.

Oh, she liked that.

She loved it.

She just sat in the back of the studio with the adjudicators.

Oh, God.

Oh, dear.

So pop a dumbs.

Yes, please.

Dreamstarter.

Okay.

I'm going to go for breaded brie.

Okay.

But it has to be from the pub from my village, which we went to.

Oh,

I thought you might bring this on.

Maisie grew up in Egypt.

No, I didn't.

How do you know so much about Magazine?

Because we've done a few mock the weeks together.

Oh, yeah.

When I say mock the weeks, Ed's ridiculed me every time I've gone on mock the week.

People listening to this will want to hear about the dip because Maisie grew up in a big dip.

But I happened to say in passing on one episode of Mock the Week that where my village was when I grew up, we were talking about icy conditions.

And I said, Where I'm the week, I'd have picked the story.

Biggest story of the week.

Black.

Icy conditions.

What have you got?

But my village is in.

I said when I grew up, my village was in a dip.

That's all I said.

Yes.

Because the roads in and out both go down and the village is at the bottom.

Bed rag to a bull on the week back.

You say you live in a dip.

I'm not going to do it that now.

Bloodthirsty.

Ed just said you've never sounded more northern than saying when I grew up.

And he did his Johnny Vegas voice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I grew up in a dip.

T-dip.

T-dip.

Yeah, of course.

But it's true.

Imagine the village that they live in on this country or Vicar of Dibley.

That's sort of.

Dibley.

Did you see me?

I tried to be serious there.

I was like, listen.

This is going to be the plane.

No, you don't know what else is coming on for me, other courses, so I'm dreading this.

Has the dip become a thing?

Yeah.

I can't tweet anything without people

going.

like oh like i'll announce a tour and they'll go oh it's nice that you're getting out the dip yeah yeah yeah i'm pretty proud proud of that.

But it's like, it's like a hundred people every every tweet.

Really?

Yeah, and

it's just

a lot.

It's just a lot of dips.

A lot, isn't it?

A lot of dips.

But it's a very...

You can cut this out because it was all on Mother Week, but Jones might enjoy it.

There was a lady who lived in the dip called Ten to Two because every time she walked down the dip, she had to put her feet at 10 to 2 so she didn't fall down the dip.

Well,

don't take that out.

And she says it out loud.

That's why she got given the nickname in the village, Ten to Two, because she wears a little headscarf yeah and she walks up and down on it when it's wintery and she goes 10 to 2 10 to 2 10 to 2

and i just thought that was funny but what what what carried on was the dip really i feel like i'm rejoining social media

but yeah this one pub it's called the black swan and like growing up we would always go me and my friends like we all went to the same school and then uh like we'd get the school bus from from this village and then on monday nights they'd do a pub quiz at the black swan and we'd always go there.

And they gave out...

Yeah, exactly.

I just thought, I'll start early.

Maybe one day I'll end up on the chase.

They gave out free chips.

They'd bring a bowl of chips to each table for free.

Wow.

But because we were all like 15, 16, we never bought a drink.

We were those people.

We'd book a table for 10, pay £1 to join the quiz.

and then repeatedly go up to the bar and pour ourselves a glass of water.

They definitely made a loss on us coming

the quiz every week, but we loved it.

And it was a really nice pub.

It was run by this guy who lived in the village.

Just a really lovely thing.

And then my grandparents, whenever they took us out as well, we'd always go here.

And they did breaded brie as a starter.

I mean, beautiful.

You know, when it's like dead crusty on the outside, lovely and gooey on the inside.

Cranberry sauce.

Little bit of salad with balsamic vinegar.

Lovely.

Oh, big open fire.

Yeah.

Like log fire.

Yeah.

Like not.

You got to eat that fast.

yeah that's what if you're in front of the log fire with the breaded brie yeah that's gonna melt yeah that's what you want though you want it all like melty don't you want it gooey you want it gooey I love it breaded brie I love any cheese but if it's if it's breaded I know what you mean I've not had it in ages it's weird that it's sort of because it's quite European really isn't it is it but it's sort of well it's brie in it yeah it's like brie and it feels quite fancy yeah but it's made its way onto well you know what's overtaken it recently box baked camembert that's the cheese starter now in it in cups.

That's the very popular one.

But I think baked brie, can't go wrong there.

This cranberry sauce, is it like drizzled over the brew?

No, no, no.

Big dollop on the side.

Big dollop on the side.

Yeah, so that you can...

I don't like stuff like that.

Like, you know, ketchup on chip when people go all over.

I think...

You like it on the side, so then you...

Yes, so that...

So that I can...

Bob, Bob, Bob the Chips in.

Yeah.

Bob the chips in.

Yeah.

This is the first dream meal we've had at the quiz.

Like, who's there?

Who's Who's on your team?

Right.

Heather Jackson.

Very, very,

she was one of them kids that, like, didn't have to revise, but did anyway, and like got A stars all the time.

She was just like a child prodigy.

Whereas I could revise till, like, well, I could I could still be revising now and I'd still come out with a C.

She was probably our like best player.

Uh-huh.

You know, if there was any, if there was a question we didn't understand, we'd go to Heather.

Luke Shermer.

Best friend for many years now.

Probably the most laddie.

Yeah.

Anything on football, cricket.

but you know you football as well yeah but he yeah yeah yeah football crazy football crazy that's me football crazy basis yeah yeah

oh that's a that's a pitch i'm gonna write that down

and then there was and there was quite a few of us to be honest and like a few like a few would come and go it was max fairhurst susanna thornton Craig Dennison, first one to get a car.

Yeah.

Yeah, Dennison.

So you'd put like seven of us into a Vauxhall Courser sometimes to go to the pub, even though it was a five-minute walk from every house in the village yeah but when your mate gets a car right no matter where the place is

getting in the car 100 drive the long way round go back go up onto the a-road to come back into the village oh when you said the long way round i thought you meant the rim of the of the dip or something

the rim of the dip which was actually the name of the film being played in the uh

in the curry house the rim of the dip oh that's the other thing all those names i've mentioned they all worked at the blacks one at some point in there no No, I didn't.

Only one.

No.

I worked at a golf club as a waitress for £3.50 an hour.

And then I spilt a gravy boat on a bride.

I had to leave.

I came out of nowhere.

Yeah, but it was a wedding-like reception.

Yeah.

And I had to take the thingy over.

Oh, man.

I could feel it going off the tray.

So then I went to catch the gravy boat and the gravy boat was hot.

So I let go.

Yeah.

It went over this lady's dress.

So you probably, if anything, redirected the gravy boat towards it.

I think actually, had I not intervened it could have missed.

It could have would have hit like but it was already falling and I sort of batted it into her.

Oh god.

Yeah.

Probably didn't help that you know you'd spent most of your time mounting against plates as well.

So like clearly we know that Majie doesn't believe in plates.

She's putting gravy straight on brides now.

Screaming at the bride.

Go, don't put that on your meat.

You'll only spill it anyway, but it's straight onto your top.

Cut it out of the middle, man.

Well, how did the bride react?

Yeah, she wasn't happy.

She wasn't happy.

It wasn't wasn't good.

It wasn't good.

So I didn't do any more waitressing after that.

I went to work in retail.

They still talk about that, you know?

Yeah, I think so.

I know.

It's like such a big day for somebody, isn't it?

And then, like, yeah.

Every time they remember their wedding day, they'll go, and that fucking wait just spilled fucking gravy all over my dress.

Yeah, yeah, sort of batted it, really, forehanded it into her.

Football crazy, gravy, maisie.

There you go.

There we go.

Shake to CBBC with that.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Your dream main course, Maisie.

My dream main course.

I've actually brought something in for you, lads.

This is genuinely rare.

Here we go.

I didn't know this was going to happen.

Hang on.

Because my main course

is

Granny's Braising Steak.

Okay.

Okay.

We've got questions because everyone can't see what you've just said.

Well, everyone can't see what you've done.

Sorry, I've brought.

Oh, yeah, I should.

A written down recipe, but the recipe is framed.

It's framed because it hangs on my wall.

Yes.

I think this is lovely.

It is, yeah.

If you read about this, you've got a problem with Muriel.

Oh, listen, I think it's lovely.

I haven't got a problem with Muriel.

I am going to make fun of it.

What are you going to make fun of?

You've got a recipe frame that you put on your wall.

I was really chuffed because it's the right size frame.

They're hard to find.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Oh, it's sweet.

The whole thing's lovely.

Listen, she's underlined key bits of the recipe.

Water bay leaf.

Water bay leaf.

Yeah.

Water bay leaf and bouquet garnie.

I didn't know what bouquet garnie was was until Muriel explained to me.

Is Muriel still with us?

Yes.

Okay, then it's weirder that you framed it.

What is it weirder?

She lives.

She lives still up in the village.

Yeah, in the dip.

So it's not in, not up in the dip, is it?

Yeah.

Up north, in the dip, up north, down the dip.

How far up the dip does she live?

She right at the bottom.

Oh, yeah.

Right at the bottom.

Yeah.

No, it gets better the deeper you go.

Does it?

Does not everyone's sewage drain.

Also a line from the film in the in the curry house gets better the deeper you go.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I'd imagine living in the bottom of the dip is worse, though, isn't it?

No, no, no.

All the rainwater, all the sewage and stuff.

Oh, yeah, that is a problem.

That is genuinely a problem.

It is a problem.

We do have bad flooding.

But Granny's braising steak.

I feel like braising steak comes up a lot

as a main, you know, it can be quite run of the milk.

But my granny's braising steak is something else.

I will say this.

She insists that you go and get your ingredients from Morrison's, and I quote, because she likes to support local businesses.

That's great.

She likes to go to Morrison's, and she says, because she likes Ken.

And I didn't know who Ken was.

I had to look it up.

Ken Morrison.

She thinks it's a man, Ken Morrison, who's done a few good, big, like, he's branched out.

Yeah.

But I think she thinks he's a guy who's done well in Yorkshire and has got a few.

I don't know.

What's the.

I don't know.

Do we have Morrison's down south?

Yeah, there is Morrison's down here, but it feels like a northern thing.

Yeah, they're definitely more common up north.

Ken Morrison.

Was it started by a guy called Ken Morrison?

Yeah,

Duncan Morrison, CBE.

She likes to support Ken, is what she says.

Dead now?

Dead now.

So he doesn't need the support.

He's dead.

Was an English businessman.

Life president and former chairman of Morrisons, the fourth largest supermarket in the United Kingdom.

Support local business.

He was the son of William Morrison, who founded the company.

Right.

Spouses, unknown, divorced

Edna Morrison until 1993.

Also dead.

She died.

Lynn Lady Morrison.

Wait, that order.

Lynn Lady Morrison.

Not Lady Lynn.

Lynn Lady.

Lynn,

Lady Morrison.

Yeah.

Is that how it works?

I don't think her middle name's Lady.

Well, Lynn Lady Morrison is what it says.

Lynn Lady.

Lynn Lady Morrison.

Well, guess how many kids Ken Morrison had?

Oh, is it more than five?

It's five.

That's the end of that go.

That's fun.

I imagine if that was the question on the chase, I'd have been walking to Monkey World.

Relatives?

Chris Blundell, nephew.

Who's Chris Blundell?

It's his nephew.

He's Ken Morrison's nephew.

Chris Blundell.

How much are we going to focus on Ken Morrison?

Well, quite a bit, because I didn't know he existed.

He's been fascinated, though.

There's a lot written about him, but there's enough, you know.

It's pretty pretty fun.

You can count me on talking about the brains of stake if you want, but

well, I just think I deliberately feel like you have to go to Morrison's just because

that's what Muriel says.

Yes, if Muriel says that, it's part of the recipe.

A lot of the stuff that she recommends here, you can get in other supermarkets,

like Henderson's Relish.

She's also incredibly vague on a lot of stuff.

Good-sized onion.

What's a good-sized onion?

I know what she means, good morning,

handful of mixed veg.

Have you seen the size of Muriel's hands?

No.

Very small.

She's five foot six, but massive handfuls.

It would be confusing.

The handful would be confusing if she had one huge hand and one tiny hand.

Like a foam finger.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like a gladiator's hand.

But this is one of her dishes that she does, like, whenever we all go round.

I can smell it now when you walk through the front door.

She does it in a big, big dish like this, and it's it takes ages.

She cooks it for

hours.

Does it say on the recipe Alan's cooking?

Or is this all on instinct as well?

It's all Henderson's relish.

It's what I'm in interested with.

Hendos.

Cover with foil and cook for four to four and a half hours.

Remove bay leaf and bouquet garnie before serving.

Yes.

Now, Maisie, I've got to ask, because you've asked Muriel to send you that recipe and you've framed it.

Yeah.

Do you cook the braising steak?

Yeah.

You do?

Yeah.

Okay.

It still doesn't taste exactly like Muriel's.

Yeah.

She crucially, I love, I love my granny, but she didn't put it in steps.

It's all one big paragraph on how to cook what is essentially a whole day like

this isn't, she's not copying this down from a cookbook.

This has just come straight from her brain, right?

Yeah, I know, but come on, Muriel, put like step one, step two, step three.

Magella does.

It is one stream of consciousness here.

It is, isn't it?

It's just free-flowing.

I imagine a sat like Shakespeare just writing writing away at a little table.

Oh, I see.

That says nor

butter.

No.

Yeah, nor stockpot.

Stockpot.

Yeah, yeah.

She's not just written it in her accent.

No stockpot.

Whatever you do, no.

Also, my family's massive, numbers-wise.

But there's a lot of us.

So this is a great meal that she does whenever we're all together.

I love this.

This is my favourite sort of thing to cook.

Fan of the frame.

The frame's nice.

I like the

frame there.

Mitten serves two at the top.

Serves two.

It doesn't.

That's a very northern woman thing to put.

There's at least five portions in there.

Yeah, great.

Maybe that's what she lives on her own as well.

So maybe that's where I get the whole thing of like cooking a massive meal.

And eating out of the pan I don't think Muriel eats out the pan it doesn't sound like Muriel eating out of the panel

no one called Muriel has ever eaten out of a pan heat tablespoon of oil in frying pan and when showing faint haze faint haze around the steak what's the faint haze yeah I know I still haven't mastered that I still haven't mastered that you know when you look at the air around heat and it's just slightly sort of a faint haze like an oasis that's never been I know a faint haze a faint haze that's so popular you would not believe the amount of times I find myself squatting in front of the oven trying to find this faint haze arise.

I can never get it.

I can never get it.

I think it might be something wrong with her.

I think it's instinct.

Basically, she cooks on instinct, and she's trying to put that down into a recipe.

Yeah.

Because what she really wants to say there is: heat the oil until it's ready.

Yes.

But she's had to go, what can Maisie look out for?

I guess there's a faint haze.

She's going to need

a really nice bit of healthy.

spelling out for her.

Maisie, you'll need a plate.

Get a plate.

We had you off to a bad start, were you?

So, no, this is my thing.

Because it's the dream restaurant,

I'd like this braising steak.

However, I don't want it on a plate.

Of course.

I would like it.

Last year, I was lucky enough to go on holiday with my fiancée.

We went to Berlin and Prague.

Nice.

It was where we got engaged, actually, in Prague.

And there they had this thing, Goolash.

it changed my life it was the best thing ever it was the best thing ever because it's a good hearty meal and the the plate is basically bread like it's all it's it's it's like a braising steak

it's in yeah it's in in this lovely crusty bread they then they slice the top off like a little lid yeah and you take it off and all it's all in there so I would like my granny's braising steak within a bread bowl this crusty bread yeah you know when I said earlier like bread's dull it's not if it's got something in it it's

if it's hilarious yeah a meal it was it was amazing it was the like

i wish the listeners could be in the room to see your face when you said goulash

why because it was like you were the first person to ever have gulash yeah i'd never have you had goulash before yes yeah but uh

the the way

the way you said it to us

it was like you were literally you you you had landed in heathrow back from your holiday

you were walking through, you know, still got your luggage and you're telling people about

what you've had.

They had this thing.

Goulash, it's called goulash.

Sir Walter Raleigh with the potatoes.

Honestly, honestly, I took photos of it and put it in my family WhatsApp group being like, not a photogenic meal?

No, it's not.

No.

My dad was like, what's that?

I was like, it's gorgeous.

It's goulash.

It's amazing.

Also, it's quite similar to Muriel's braising steak, I'd imagine.

That's it.

Yeah, it was, but they didn't use Henderson's relish, so it didn't taste the same.

And there wasn't a faint haze,

but I took off the top bit of bread.

Couldn't get a Hendo's in Prague.

Do you have Hendo's, please?

We have Liam Perrins, is that all right?

You southern bastards.

Yeah, I was just going around Prague going, have you got a Morrison's?

Where's Ken?

Where's Ken?

Where's Ken and his little cup of business?

I can't get my phone out.

He's dead.

So yeah.

That's definitely it.

Main meal is Granny's braising steak, but within the bread bowl.

How would Muriel feel about the braising steak being in the bread bowl?

I mean I don't think I'd tell her that I'm doing this.

I don't know.

I think she'd be open to it if I was able to say that it was like

I just don't think I could call it goulash and say that it was

a stew, right?

So it's not you don't need to you don't even need to introduce the notion of goulash to this.

You just say you're putting the braising steak into a bread bowl.

Oh, well in that case she'd love it because she's all about making use of things in it.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

She's She's very wartime.

Yeah.

She's like, yeah, I like that.

Using up.

So what makes it a goulash then?

It's not the best.

The goulash is the stew rather than what it's served in or the way it's served.

I've not had goulash served in that way.

You've not had goulash.

You might be wrong.

You've not had goulash in bread.

Not had goulash in bread.

That's why I was in the breast.

This is why I was so excited to tell you because I was like, it's this thing in bread

and it's contained.

And

I had it twice when I was in.

I was only there for three days.

I had it twice.

Got engaged in in between.

That's why we got engaged.

We were both just absolutely euphoric.

Did he put the ring in the goulash?

Yeah.

Light in the bread for you.

Baked it.

Baked it in.

I wouldn't have found it.

I'd have wolfed it down.

I just thought it was a meant.

And the first time I ate it by like having my goulash, spooning it out.

But then I was like, that's a lot of dry bread to finish at the end.

So the next time I went into it like a pie.

I cut it open and was eating it.

Oh, that's the, I like a meal where you can have have it different ways each time.

Two ways.

Yeah, two.

But who knows?

There could be more.

I've only had two goulashes.

How about this?

You eat it like a stew out of the bowl, but then occasionally you rip a chunk of the bowl off.

Like a box-baked cannon bear.

Dip it in.

Yeah.

Dip it in, dip, dip, dip.

Stop spilling it.

Until almost.

No, I genuinely didn't mean to do that.

You almost eat too much of the bowl and then it sort of spills out the side and then you can start eating it with a knife.

Now I can't wait for my third goulash.

I'm so excited.

Yeah, I'm going to have goulash at the wedding, Defoe.

Gets spilled all over you by a waitress on the way over.

Comes tumbling out the breadfront.

And you look up, and it was the bride from that book.

Yeah.

She's like, I told you, didn't I tell you?

I'd get you one day.

18 years I've been training as a waitress

just to get this job.

I've been following you.

Enjoy your goulash, you motherfucker.

I've been watching you.

You dirty girl watching the porn in the interview.

Dirty porno.

Porno watching girl.

Maybe that's my...

Maybe that's my wedding meal is some porn and some poppa dots, then goulash.

Yeah.

Served by a lady who's angry at me for 15 years ago.

I don't think I could have goulash at the wedding because I'd just spend the whole time going around all the tables going, have you had it?

Isn't it amazing?

Welcome to Ed's wedding.

Yeah, but that's what happens at all weddings.

Have you not noticed that?

I don't know.

What?

Did you go around going, have you had the food?

That's exactly what happens happens at every wedding I've ever been to.

Did you have posh food at your wedding?

Was there a lot of exposed plate?

James, who came over to our table to tell us how much he enjoyed the bread.

Yeah, yeah, the bread was the best bread I've ever had.

Was there a lot of exposed plate at the wedding?

Was there a middle portion of wood?

I don't notice that sort of stuff like you do.

How do you not notice?

Because I was just like, I'm at a wedding getting food.

This is a good one.

I wasn't like, look at the amount of plate I got.

Not a huge amount of exposed plate.

I've enjoyed it a lot.

Good, good.

Best wedding food I've ever had.

Oh, that's a good review.

That's all right, right, yeah.

That's why he was coming round, doing the rounds.

Everything good here?

And then you're looking like,

okay, yeah, it is the best.

That's good waiting.

That's good waiting.

I've just realised that it doesn't necessarily happen at every wedding ever to everyone.

It happens at every wedding I go to because people are aware of this podcast and they're terrified.

That you didn't enjoy it, yeah.

So the bride or groom will always come over and go, Ed, did you like?

No, so it's goulash, definitely.

Gulash.

Hold on.

No, it's not.

No, but it is.

What's your main course?

Goulash.

No.

Granny's braising steak in the goulash.

As a goulash.

No, hang on.

Goulash.

Look this up, Benito.

The goulash is not the bread bowl.

What you want is the braising steak in a bread bowl, surely.

You're not telling me this whole time what I've had was just stewing bread, and I've...

Yes.

Regardless of whether or not it's served in bread.

So how come every time I went to order, admittedly it was only twice, but I went twice to the same place.

No, I didn't.

I went to different places.

Well, maybe that's how it's traditionally served in Prague.

Oh, I had like a traditionally Prague goulash of granny's braisen steak.

Okay, but the goulash is, no, the goulash.

You have to have a stew in there as well.

But the goulash, now you're saying you want some stew, but you want to put your granny's stew on top of it.

No, my granny's braising steak is the stew.

Yes, but you do not need to introduce the word goulash into this order at all.

No, because your granny's braisen steak in a bread bowl isn't a goulash.

And the bread is not goulash.

I'm not happy about this.

I'm not happy about this time you had the bread bowl was when you had goulash and we love that story are you mansplaining muriel's meal too no this has nothing to do with muriel's meal so it's not goulash my dream meal

no it's your gram bowler

you've had goulash before your granny's braising steak in a bread bowl yeah But you don't want it to be turned into a goulash.

Well, what is a goulash then?

It's just a stew.

It's a stew.

Yeah, but right, so granny's braising steak is quite stew-like.

It's very liquid, like there's a lot of liquid going on.

It's not just steak, I would, I would.

But is it the same as the stew that you had in the middle?

It tasted very much like this stew that was in the breadsteak.

Would it be, could you phone Muriel now and ask her if her braising steak is essentially a goulash?

She wouldn't know what a goulash is.

And also, they don't get reception.

Yeah, there's no way.

She's right to the top of the tipping time to answer that.

We all get one phone call from the moment.

Fucking knocking over 10 to 2 on our way.

Yeah, so I think, yeah.

I think the way to describe it would be: you want Muriel's braising steak served in the style of a goulash.

Yeah.

But then that's what.

So.

Style of the goulash that you had.

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

In the style of a Prague goulash.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Lovely.

There you go.

There we go.

Muriel's brazing steak in the style of a Prague goulash.

Lovely.

It's the fifth time we've had that.

Right.

Dream side dish.

Right, dream side dish.

Okay, I feel like the last one, well, I thought it was high-end.

This is quite the other, quite the other way.

Curly fries, but from the curly fries stall at Blackpool Pleasure Beach, just outside, and I hate that it's outside this, the ride, the big dipper.

I was crossing my fingers for that.

No,

no, I'm really angry about this because

I thought if I just say it in passing, it won't get brought up.

But it's already been brought up, the dip thing.

Is that a ride you enjoy or is it a bit of a busmer's holiday?

Right.

Must be like, okay, call this a dip.

In Blackpool Pleasure Beach, there's really good rides.

So we went to Blackpool every summer as a family.

All of us.

Big, big group of us.

There'd be like 25 of us.

And we'd go to Blackpool Pleasure Beach for one of the days.

And the big dipper is one of like the oldest roller cut.

It's still wooden.

And outside it, there's a curly fries stall where they serve curly fries in a bucket and spade.

Right?

But the spade is a fork.

So it's like a three-pronged plastic spade.

Wow.

Yeah.

So that's specifically what you want on your dream mail.

Yeah, it does mean that when you've finished it, you have to walk around the theme park with a bucket.

So we just look like a family of caretakers for the rest of the day.

But they are the best curly fries you will ever, ever have.

You're preaching to the converted about curly fries.

Curly fries are the best, aren't they?

I feel like there's fries, and then I would say a tier above that is sweet potato fries.

Well, really?

Would you say lower or non-fries?

I'd put fries above sweet potato fries.

But I feel like my point being that fries...

Like, people have gone different ways.

You know, we had normal chips, then it was like triple cooked a la five guys.

Sweet potato fries, that was a thing.

Curly fries are their own league,

I think.

Yeah, so why aren't they available everywhere?

Yeah, I know, I know.

Should be everywhere.

When you can upgrade usually from fries, it's to sweet potato fries, or recently, halloumi fries.

Why can't you get?

Yeah, I think they're seen as quite a low-end type thing because I only have ever had them at Blackpool Pleasure Beach and the bowling alley at people's birthday parties.

Yeah, you've only ever eaten them out of a bucket

with a space

or a bowling shoe.

Yeah,

that was your choice.

Yeah, yeah.

The Velcro can get in the way.

I think they are the best type of chips.

Why do they taste like that?

I don't know what it is that they do.

Seasoning.

It's like Cajun seasoning.

Yeah, it isn't.

Love that crispiness that they get on the outside that you don't really get on a lot of stuff.

And I like the ones that really spike.

You know, the ones where you get one that's got like eight spirals, almost like a turkey Twizzler.

Yeah.

Yeah.

R.I.P.

And the thing is,

it's the crisp on the outside, and then also it's a bit soggy sometimes.

Oh, soggy really isn't.

Which is frowned upon in food but it shouldn't be yeah and any other chips

any other chips if you get a a fat cut chip and it's and it's a thick cut fry sorry not a fat cut chip thick cut fry cut chip

what what was it a big chip what what are you talking about thick cut chip big chipper

you know the ones i mean that you get in like a pub with fish and chips if they're soggy couldn't be less interesting straight in the bin yeah but a soggy curly fry nice they're one of of them where like whatever one you get if you get the little burnt bit at the end lovely lovely long soggy curly one very nice yeah you put any sauces on it bit of ketchup but again at the side and i don't really dip it as much as i normally would because the curly fries doing it curly fries doing it itself yeah and i i look i every time i go to blackpool pleasure beach this is this is bad but sometimes when i gig in blackpool i'll go to the pleasure beach like yeah i'll just buy a ticket and go how often are you gigging in blackpool it's often brighton as well so you've got you've got Brighton Pier and stuff.

Yeah, but it's awesome.

And then you're going to Blackpool and going on Blackpool Pleasure Beach.

I love living in Brighton.

Benito, who is our resident

theme park enthusiast, just looked at me like I was a piece of shit when I said that.

Really, really annoyed that I'd even compare Brighton Pier to Blackpool Pleasure Beach.

He got pretty overwhelmed.

Yeah, rides-wise, you can't compare Black Leadership.

You've got to compare Pier with Pier.

So if we're talking Pier, you'd compare Brighton Pier.

Blackpool has three piers: the North Pier, the Central Pier, and the South Pier.

South Pier is the one for the rides.

So you compare it with that, which South Pier wins every time.

Okay.

Central Pier, good for a hot chocolate, a little walk around, maybe a little arcade game, fine.

North Pier, it's like stepping back in time.

It's very old.

I think it's got a lot of history to it.

That's nice, but it's essentially very dull.

Brighton Pier is nice, but the cuisine on there, it's very naff.

It's very naff.

And I've sampled it all.

I've sampled the doughnuts, the churros, they've got a crepe.

That's Brighton, innit?

They've got Krepes on the Pier.

But Blackpool Pleasure Beach, I think it's one of my my favourite places in the world, genuinely.

I love it so much.

I love it so much.

The best thing that ever happened to me at Blackpool Pleasure Beach, there was a guy setting the world record for how many times you could ride a roller coaster.

Yeah.

It's nice to see him again, isn't it?

Richard Rodriguez.

Yeah, here he is.

Richard Rodriguez.

Sitting before you, doing a bit of tech work.

No, I'd know him if he walked into the room.

Richard Rodriguez.

I got to sit next to him on the on the just nodded his head like he knew that guy's name already.

Did you know him already?

He knows Richard Rodriguez.

Richard Rodriguez.

Right.

405 hours.

Is it Rodriguez?

What is it?

It's definitely not Richard Rodriguez.

How do you say Rodriguez?

Rodriguez.

Rodriguez.

Rodriguez.

Rodriguez.

Rodriguez, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That made me doubt it now.

Yeah, no, well, that's what I'm asking.

Yeah, because I'm just checking.

There's a U in it.

If it's Rodriguez, you're Rodriguez.

G-U-E's.

GUE.

Oh, Richard Rodriguez.

Yeah, Richard Rodriguez.

I've always said.

I'm basing this off like the goo dessert.

Listen, I sat next to him.

I sat next next to him he introduced himself he said hello my is richard rodrigo quez i'll be honest richard rodriguez couldn't speak because the windburn was so bad i sat next to him

he'd been on this roller coaster at this point for like three weeks he was i i kid you not like the colour of a tomato a beef tomato

and i deliberately so when you go on the big one or the big dipper if you want to ride at the front you have to stay until

on this one

when i was in the queue each time it came in, Richard Rodriguez was there and he had these gloves on.

He's got gloves to ride the roller coaster, these little like leather fingerless things.

Oh my god, finger seems like a bad idea.

Yeah, I know.

And he sat there and I was like, I want to, this is history.

I was like

11 years old and I was like, I want to sit next to Richard Rodriguez.

So

it comes in and I go to go and sit next to him.

And I just want, I've just got so many questions to ask him.

And he's probably had them all.

But he was so red, like he had

blisters all over his face from the wind.

Absolutely, like, honestly, I was so excited.

And then the closer I got to him, I was really like, this is harrowing, really, really bad.

Do you think that's what happened to Freddy Krueger?

He rode the Big Dipper for four weeks.

Did you chat to Richard?

Yeah, a little bit, but he wasn't a laugh a minute.

I'll be on.

And I guess I was asking very trivial questions like, what do you do when you need to go to the loo

what you do for it.

There he is.

That's his glove.

Look at his gloves.

He's got his little gloves on exactly as you do.

He's got his American flag t-shirt on.

Yeah.

He looks happy for three weeks of riding that roller coaster.

Presumably only eating curly fries out of a bucket.

Yeah, that's the one.

That's what I sat next to him on.

I didn't get to sit next to him on the

big dipper, but I did.

Your family get the big dipper to themselves, don't they?

You get treated like royalty when you turn up there

from the original.

Yeah.

Here they are.

Everyone, make way.

We've got some people from the original.

You're like Ken walking into Morrison's.

Yeah, yeah, please.

It's all yours.

Get out of here, Rodney.

This is not for you.

You go on the big one.

That's Muriel's seat.

Yeah.

It was.

Muriel sitting on there with a full brazen steak on her lap.

He had a faint haze over his face.

Definitely.

He, yeah, he was Red Raw.

Yeah.

Red Raw was was a Red Raw Rodriguez.

Red Raw Richard Rodriguez.

Yeah.

I love it.

Have you been to Blackpool Pleasure Beach?

Yes.

I've been on the big one.

I've been on the big picture.

It's so good.

I've been on the Big Dipper.

Have you been on Big Dipper?

Big Dipper's.

I was very sick on there.

Yeah, Big Dipper's good.

Big One, very, very good.

Favourite one, Grand National.

Yeah.

Two roller coasters at the set.

It's wooden.

Yeah, I've been on the bottom.

And you race.

Yeah, yeah.

It's the best.

I love it so much.

Val Hallet, an indoor log flume.

Yeah.

That's great as well.

It's really good.

In the dark, you go through a ring of fire and then through a room of ice.

Never seen Bonito nod so much during an episode.

It's amazing.

Sitting there nodding.

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, I'd always go and get curly fries.

Usually after, but if you haven't before, you're asking for trouble.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I love it.

Yeah, Blackpool was like a huge part of growing up.

We'd go for a week in August and we absolutely loved it.

We'd stay in this hotel that was run by this woman called Pat Mancini.

Right, well, this is right up our street.

Yeah, obviously.

She was known as the queen of Blackpool, right?

She was like Peggy Mitchell, bright blonde hair, several shades darker fake tan than should be appropriate.

Like absolutely caked in gold jewelry, like head to toe.

And she ran the cabaret bar.

She had like Joe Longthorne there all the time, like singing away.

We loved it.

We loved it.

She had an Elvis convention once, well, every year, but we often missed it.

But it was once whilst we were there, and she invited us down, saying, oh, we've got one of Elvis's relatives.

Oh, my God.

So we went down.

My mum bought these Elvis t-shirts off the promenade for us.

I was so excited about it.

It was peeling off after like two washes.

But we went down.

Like Richard Rodriguez.

It seems like his face.

We went down and there was just like 200 people dressed as Elvis, like really well, like really good.

And we were like, who's the relative?

Who's the relative?

And it was something like his niece's sister-in-law.

It was like so far removed.

Yeah, and not a blood relative.

No, and all of her anecdotes about Elvis were like, oh, well, obviously I was three at the time, so I don't really remember, but my mum said that they, and it was like,

why are you it?

So we had to go over anyway.

But there was like people dressed up as Elvis who were Elvis age, but then there was like kids who were fully quaft hair, like hairstyled as Elvis Presley.

Early in his life, right?

They weren't dressed as like Elvis.

No, they were dressed as adult.

No, no, they weren't dressed as hamburger Elvis.

They were dressed as peak Elvis, but not child Elvis.

They were children.

Some people were dressing their kid up to look like really ill Elvis.

On a toilet.

They were dressed as adult peak Elvis.

So there was like somebody in the...

Then there was...

Basically, this is a long way of me telling you I had my first kiss

at an Elvis convention to a boy dressed as Elvis Presley.

But he was dressed as Army Elvis.

So he looked like Goose from Top Gun.

Oh, Jesus.

How old were you?

I think like eight, maybe.

Well, you don't have to tell us the whole story, yeah.

Well, no, I j I like, I just went down with my family.

We were dead excited to see this relative.

They were there.

Yeah, but they didn't.

You had your first kiss

in front of my family.

We went all down to go and see the Elvises, the Elvi.

Yeah.

And we like heard a little bit about Elvis from this very tenuous relation like relative and then there was like lots of Elvis music and lots of dancing and we're all giving it large.

Pat Mancini, she was making sure everybody was having

sure everyone was topped up.

It was great, great host.

Oh, she was.

God rest us all, she was brilliant.

And then there were these like surprised to hear that.

There were these.

I'll have you know, she got an MBE, actually.

There was

eight-year-olds.

I just got like dancing.

We were all dancing like at a school disco to all these Elvis songs.

And then I said to this lad, like, oh, what's, you know, about like, what's your outfit?

And he said, well, Elvis was in the army.

And he told me about Elvis being in the army.

And then we ended up going to play pool in the games room.

And then I had a little kiss with...

Were you wearing a t-shirt with Elvis' face on it?

Yeah.

That's weird.

Yeah.

Why?

I think you might be the only person ever to have their first kiss wearing a t-shirt with a picture of the person that your person you're kissing is dressed as.

Yeah, that's true.

That's quite odd.

Yeah.

Boy, I thought it was quite sweet.

No.

I looked, no.

No.

It's really weird and creepy.

Weird with...

I'd imagine Mancini was leering over you.

Yeah, Pat Mancini guarded the door for you both.

For your parents.

No, no, no.

It was very innocent.

We went to go and play pool.

and then

we had a very awkward little little kiss and then went back to go

down to all sorts of plant pools are having a kiss just Just sort of like a little.

I don't know how you flirt as an eight-year-old.

I can't remember, but we were just sort of very like giggly and laughing.

This is the thing when I was eight.

Teasing each other.

I was eight years old.

I wasn't kissing anyone.

No.

Maybe I wasn't eight.

Maybe I was ten.

I don't know.

I just remember being very, very young.

Like, I'm just, I was wondering how this was.

I was at primary school.

Right.

Yeah.

Well, even then, primary school, I'm not going around kissing anyone.

And so, like, if I wasn't going, I wasn't putting it about, James.

I was

saying.

I had one kiss.

A lad dressed as Elvis.

That was very normal.

Wondering how the lad dressed as Army Elvis made this happen.

Well, I think when you dress as Army Elvis, girls are going to throw themselves at you.

That's what it was.

I was like any kiss that night.

Yeah, it probably wasn't his only.

It was the ultimate Blackpool hotel.

You know, when you've got somewhere that's in a time capsule in your head, and we, like, for every year, that was our holiday.

Yeah.

And it was mad because of the people.

The night porter was called Frank.

And he'd bring, like, my mum and dad and all my aunties and uncles would stay up quite late, being like the only ones in the in in the hotel and frank the night porter they'd go can we have some sandwiches and he'd bring them onion sandwiches

that's what he made so give away your dessert yeah i know i know yeah so what what what were the onion sandwiches just like raw onion in a sandwich raw onion in pretty yeah i don't think

goulachi bring them eat goulash no it was like white

white bread with some onion bang and then he'd bring that out and be like there you go it was mad.

Yeah.

But we loved Blackpool.

It was amazing.

It was amazing.

Just off the side, this is still here.

If you ever go to Blackpool, you've got to go here.

Just off the side of the Queen's Hotel is, do you like ice cream?

Yes.

Right.

Notoriani ices.

They are world famous.

Yeah.

They've been going since, I think, like just after the World War, I think is when they've been there.

The World War.

World War II.

Sorry.

I've got bad news, Maisie.

Sorry.

There was two.

I wasn't going to pick Maisie up on that because I was here about ice cream.

They only do vanilla ice cream.

Only vanilla.

That's the only thing you can get.

But it is the.

No, but it's.

No.

Just go and trust me.

Trust me.

Unlike with Granny's recipe, which I will gladly share,

the only people that know the recipe for this ice cream are the father and son.

It's not written down anywhere either.

They have to take separate planes when they go away.

Really?

Yeah.

Vanilla ice cream.

It's, James, it is that good.

Do they give

like toppings?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've got toppings and sauces, and you can have it in different ways.

They can have it cone, you can have it in a bowl,

maybe in a bread.

Maybe there's a goulash.

Yeah, Coke float, you can have that.

It's really good.

Notriani ice creams, you've got to go.

Well, if I, yeah, next time I'm in Blackpool, I will go there.

Curly fries from the Big Dipper, and then go for ice cream from Notre Any.

I'll do it.

I'll have the Maisie Adam and then I'll kiss someone dressed as Elvis.

An adult.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Your dream drink.

Okay.

Okay.

I don't know how you guys feel about certain flavors, right?

But I think think there is a flavour that exists in this world that, frankly, when the person discovered this, I think he should have just, everybody should have just sat back and gone, well, we'll never get a better flavour than that.

They should have quit flavours.

Yeah, quit flavours.

There is no point.

That is exactly what I mean.

There is no point trying to find more flavours now that we have chocolate orange.

I think it's the best thing.

I don't think that's where we're heading for the first time.

I think it's the best

thing.

Because, so I love chocolate.

I have chocolate orange.

You know this is the drink course.

I know it's the drink course.

I know it's the drink course.

So my fiancé runs a cocktail bar.

And he came up with this chocolate orange cocktail called, are you ready?

You'll love this, a chalkwork orange.

I do actually love that.

Yeah.

It's the best thing I've ever tasted.

It's so, so good.

It's so good.

I have had to write down on my phone what's in it.

Not framed it?

I haven't framed it.

It hasn't gone to frame just yet.

Bad luck.

How do you feel about about cocktails?

I like them.

Yeah.

I like the idea of cocktails more than I end up liking cocktails.

When I have one and I'm like, I'd just rather like a glass of wine or a beer.

I see what you mean.

I see what you mean.

I love it.

And I like boozy cocktails.

I don't want anything sweet in them, really.

So, yeah, no, I already know this is not going to be up my street.

I see you get like a martini, a negroni, an old-fashioned, something that makes you pull a face.

But even like an old-fashioned is slightly too sweet for me because they use a lot of syrup in it.

Oh.

Yeah.

I'd say I I don't like the mega mega sweet cocktails but I do like stuff like this by the sound of things.

I had one the other day that tasted exactly like just a liquid Black Forest gato and that was amazing.

Yeah yeah I've had one there.

I also would probably more often than not have the ones Ed's describing the more boozy ones.

Yeah.

So I'm more likely to have the boozy ones.

But every now and again...

If someone's like saying this place in particular does a good one of these, I'll have the pudding ones.

I reckon I could bring you both round.

This is how confident I am in a chakra crook.

You've got one and a half ounce of vodka.

Uh-huh.

Okay, absolute vodka.

I don't think there's any vodka in this.

Three quarter ounce triple sec, half an ounce of chocolate sauce, not syrup.

Has to be chocolate sauce.

Two dashes of orange bitters, two ounces of half and half, shaken up into a coupe

with chocolate sauce.

Chocolate

like powder.

Powder.

You know.

Duster.

It is.

The best thing ever.

It doesn't sound too sweet either.

Obviously the orange is coming from the bitters and the yeah exactly.

It's not like yeah it's it is gorgeous.

It's so nice.

It's like drinking what?

Drinking a chocolate orange.

A Terry's chocolate orange.

Yeah Terry's chocolate orange.

Yeah.

So it's not boozy really.

Yeah you don't drink it and go, oh god I'm going to be off my face after a few of these.

Yeah yeah.

It's but I quite like that because then I feel like it doesn't really count.

I'll have one of them and then have a boozy one.

So is that available?

At your fiancé's

cocktail bar.

Shout out to the bar.

Shuffle in Brighton.

Yeah.

Very, very nice.

So what happens in Shuffle, it's called Shuffle.

You go in.

Paul on the telly.

Fuck off.

Instantly.

All the ships are sailing past Brighton, stopping.

I forgot there's a trip in the bed.

When I'm in the bedroom, I sound like boating McBoat's place.

So you go in, and like you pick the songs that play, like a jukebox but off like everybody's phone connects to it.

So you pick what's played there and it's a whole like load of different music and stuff.

But it's cocktail bar.

But a chalkwork orange has genuinely changed my life.

And did you meet your fellow?

Was it in the bar?

In the bar?

Yeah, I went in with my friends.

I'd not been living in Brighton too long.

They'd come down to sort of see what Brighton was all about, see how it compared to the dip.

And I'd put a song on and it hadn't come on.

And he came over to say like, oh, how's your night going?

as he was clearing the glasses?

And I'd had a few, I'll be honest, I'd had a few G and T's.

And I put you on the cocktail basket.

Gin and tonic, please.

Are you telling me you mixed the gin with the tonic?

Stop it.

Keep the G and T's coming.

No, but the G was for goulash.

It was goulash and tonic.

Goulash and toast.

But I sort of kicked off about the fact that my song hadn't come on.

He went, well, what song was it?

And it was a Rolling Stones song.

And he went, well, that's why it's not come come on then.

Really sassy.

Sassy?

He then walked over and put Cher on.

So I thought, I'll be honest, I thought, I'm barking up the wrong tree.

But then we just started like sort of chatting.

And then we went out for drinks a few days later.

But that's how we met there.

And then the Chalkwork Orange was like, yeah, that's.

Is he making those at home for you as well?

Oh, I had a great lockdown.

I had a great lockdown.

Yeah.

Just, it's a lot of, oh, I've just made this cocktail.

Can you tell me if it's any good?

Yeah.

And I'll be honest, unless it tastes like kerosene, it's a big yes.

Yeah, make another one.

You got some other favourites you want to shout out from the shuffle menu?

They do a jam donut.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

Have you had them?

Well, I haven't had a jam donut cocktail, but in Brighton, I've been to an ice cream parlour that does a jam donut ice cream that was insanely good.

I think it's called JoJo's or something.

Bojo gelato.

Maybe, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bojo gelato or something.

So that means it's so good.

The jam donut one was like.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

As you said, like about the cocktail.

So it's like literally like, it just tastes exactly like a jam donut, but all of the good, nice textures of ice cream.

Yeah, I've had a birthday cake.

Gelato, Bojo Gelato as well.

It's really good.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God.

He did a really good one called Acardi Beach, which was nice.

Yeah.

I'll be honest.

Starts with a name.

I'll go sometimes I'm responsible for the names.

I don't think that's helpful to the business.

Al Pacino, which is like

an espresso martini, but it's done with Tuaka.

Have you had Tuacca?

So it's a spirit.

Tuacca.

I barely knew her.

Tuaka is a spirit that's like, like Brighton's really famous for.

Somebody brought over that.

It's really, it's very strong.

It'll have you on the floor after like three, four shots.

Great.

But it's really lovely.

Quite a lot of shots of anything there, really.

Well, yeah, but as in, like, you will be.

Look, it'll have you on the floor.

Yeah, a whole castle dish of it.

Absolutely destroys you.

So that leads us nicely on to your dessert, which we've had a nice puddiny drink.

Yeah.

So I'm feeling good about this.

I feel like there's going to be a puddin-y.

As I've said, there's never enough chocolate orange.

So

my dessert

is.

But this is good.

I like this because the drink is a sort of bridging thing into the dessert.

If you're pairing the flavours, this is nice.

It's a good idea, Amazon.

And I adore chocolate orange with every fibre of my being.

So I don't think you can ever have enough.

Is it going to be just a Terry's character orange?

I just loved a Terry's chocolate orange.

When did your love affair with chocolate orange start?

As a kid, I always got a Terry's chocolate orange for Christmas.

My mum would get me one in my stocking.

I loved it.

And it was around the time as well that Dawn French was doing the adverts of don't tap it, whack it.

And I loved it.

Terry's not Terry's, it's mine.

Yeah, loved it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I loved all of that stuff of, like, she was quite, I loved Vicar of Dibley when I was little, like watching all of that

i can't believe you even mentioned it i know i know i'm just walking into the fire

but i just adore it i like that as well as a kid something that comes presented like that as an orange and it's all it's really distinctive square but you know when it my mum would wrap it and then put it in the stocking and i knew straight away i just love it i really i love the um the the what you call i guess the core yeah oh the core

they should sell a bag of the core they should sell a bag of the core they not do that They get the cores to do the advert.

Oh, yeah.

Write this down.

No.

Not Jim.

No, not Jim.

But like the rest of them.

Oh, I'd buy a bag of Terry's chocolate orange core.

They're so good, aren't they?

Hey, is a good idea.

Yeah.

For a new cocktail.

Gin core, right?

Gin and the core of a Terry's chocolate orange.

Oh, it's the garnish.

Yeah, yeah.

You just stick that in.

Yeah.

Like...

Tell your boyfriend that.

Or stick with an olive inch.

Yeah.

My dessert, though, is going to be chocolate orange.

And it's...

So my fiancé, Mike, his mum, Diane, does every Christmas for me a chocolate orange cheesecake.

Right.

And beautiful biscuit base.

Maybe, I would say 35% base.

Wow.

Okay.

Yeah, it's quite, and then 65% cheesecake.

And then on the top, Maltesers.

Whoa.

I didn't see the Malteses coming.

I like it.

I think it would work, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's curved ball, but just let it sit with you for a bit.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because it's.

I would almost expect a slice of Terry's chocolate orange on the top.

Yeah.

Well, that's that's that's what you'd expect.

That's when you go to like bakeries.

That's happened a lot recently.

I see a lot of brownies.

They go, oh, Terry's chocolate orange brownies.

It's just a brownie with a segment.

It's always too hard or denser a chocolate to put on a brownie as well.

It is, it is.

That's also why I like Terry's chocolate orange is they are the segments are in the shape of your mouth.

Do you know what?

Yeah.

You put a segment just in your mouth.

It's fit.

It's just sort of shape.

But everything you can just put in your mouth.

No, but you know what I mean.

it's he doesn't know what you mean but benito's laughing is the stupidest thing he's ever heard no it's you know what i mean right because it's curved just keeps saying that curved and flat right so you might block your mouth

yes genuinely so you put it like behind your teeth on your tongue and it's the perfect fit it's like a jigsaw it just

yeah like a chocolate retainer that's what i do i put it behind my teeth and just let it melt yeah yeah yeah

yeah you're not convinced are you that no i'm not convinced it's the exact same shape as your mouth i I mean, that you put it in and it just fits perfectly.

Having any bit of chocolate, you're not going to be able to do it.

Novelty toy.

No, right.

You know that novelty toy where you wind up a set of teeth and they go

across a table.

Yeah, if you think this is making your point clearer,

think of the shape of the teeth.

It's like a horseshoe, isn't it?

Like that.

Of the fake teeth.

Yeah.

No, but that is what you're if you took your teeth out of your face.

They look at that.

So they look like

a toy shop.

All right, well, when you look at

a joke, I know that this is true.

I know that this is true.

When you look at, like, say, a skeleton

and you go behind, like, where the teeth are, it is like a toy.

It's a horseshoe shy.

I think I can fit a segment of a terry shock at Orange in that colour.

I do think that.

Like, it's a horseshoe shape, and you can put a segment perfectly in there.

So that's what I like about it, is you just bob it in.

Bob it in.

So a Terry Shock orange size is not the shape of a horseshoe.

No, but one segment is.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it is.

It's curved.

Curved Curved like that.

Like a half circle, semi-circle.

Never have I seen a horse clip-clopping around and thought, replace that shoe with a Terry's chocolate orange.

Like for like.

Like for like.

I know what I mean and I promise you people listening to this will know what I mean.

Yeah I kind of know what you mean but like also I don't see how that's more satisfy that that's nicer to eat.

I know what you mean in that it's satisfying to eat it because of the shape.

Right, because it fits in your mouth.

Same reason, this happened last night.

My wife said she likes eating after eights and pretended she's putting a C D

in.

Yeah, yeah, great.

Right?

Yeah.

But after eights are square.

Yeah, yeah.

So

your tongue isn't square and the

C D's aren't square.

The direction of your...

It's more like a floppy disc, isn't it?

A floppy disc, yeah.

Which I think, actually, knowing your wife, that would be more up now street would be like an Amiga, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, or like a old PlayStation one.

Yeah, yeah.

Put it in there.

Yeah.

I'll tell her.

Yeah.

And then ask her if she can imagine a chocolate orange segment being the shape of your mouth.

And you know what?

She'll say, yes, I can.

Yeah.

Because she's odd as well.

No, no, because she's.

Same wavelength.

That's why Ed gets on with you.

This is a thing.

He's like, oh, I can play this sport.

No!

No, it's a thing.

There's definitely the shape of an

anyway.

Chocolate orange cheesecake.

Yes.

Of which segments don't feature.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maltese is on the top.

It's beautiful.

It's really nice.

And it means a lot because when I first started going out with Mike and we did Christmases at his, his dad does Christmas cake for everybody.

A Christmas cake each for everyone.

Like, you know, that size of a saucer.

They're really beautiful, and he spends a lot of time.

I don't like Christmas cake.

Is that bad?

No, no, no, no.

I just don't.

I just don't like it.

It is, isn't it?

It's a quiet taste.

He's had his little heartbreak.

They're really beautiful.

He puts that little conifer tree.

Is it conifer tree?

Fir tree?

Christmas tree.

It's a tree.

He puts a tree on.

Fir.

He puts a tree on.

And that's squash it.

It's very, not like a tree version of those little green army men.

Put them in.

You can't look at the little green army men.

Kind of sounds like Elvis.

If you and that guy got together.

I think you should start making Maisie a chocolate orange cheesecake for Christmas because I don't know quite how to say this.

Whenever dad brings the the Christmas cake over she makes that noise

it's not appropriate for the family Christmas table

oh no oh no

um he start he he makes these Christmas cakes for everybody and it's so much effort for him to do you know they're really they take a lot of time so he asked me up front do you like Christmas cake and I said no because I couldn't have him normally I'd say yes just to be polite if it's a little thing that you can have or something but I couldn't have him making a cake for me and I didn't expect anybody to make a cake in place of this.

And his mum took it upon herself to make a chocolate orange cheesecake just so I felt included and not left out.

That's lovely.

And

I think I'd asked Mike, what's her favourite flavour?

And there was no question about it because I bang on about chocolate orange all the time.

And it's so lovely.

And I thought it was just going to happen the first Christmas to sort of make me feel welcome.

It's happened every Christmas.

It's so nice.

It's the best part of it.

I look forward to it so much.

It's so nice.

I understand.

That's very nice.

It's really lovely cheesecake.

Also, we should probably clarify.

When you were saying about the small Christmas trees, you were saying like a small army man.

And then that turned into the army men are on top of your

Christmas cake that your

boyfriend's dad makes, but he doesn't, just to clarify, he doesn't put army men on top of the channel.

There's no army men featuring at the Christmas cake or Christmas in general.

No, haven't seen army men since that fateful evening at the Queen's Hotel.

Yeah.

Over with your menu batching now.

Yes, how

You'd like still water.

Yeah.

You would like poppa dums.

Yep.

Starter, you want breaded brie with cranberry sauce, salad and balsamic vinegar from The Black Swan in the Dip.

Yep.

At a pub quiz.

At a pub quiz with the team.

Yep.

Main course.

Granny's braising steak in the style of Prague Goulash.

We got there in the end.

We got there in the end.

Side dish, curly fries, bucket and spade from Blackpool Pleasure Beach.

Drink, a clockwork orange from Shuffle.

Chockwork orange, James.

James doesn't understand puns.

Yeah.

A chalkwork orange.

Well, I go to a Tim Feingigan and I'm like, he didn't say it.

I just stuck.

These are just facts.

These are just a list.

Weird list of stuff.

Why have they brought you a blindfolded horse?

You've asked for a simple thing, a pizza express.

A chalkwork orange from shuffle.

Dessert, Diane's chocolate orange cheesecake, and a Christmas Day.

Oh, yeah.

That's quite a nice menu, I think.

I think that's a nice menu.

I would eat that.

Just thinking about it.

Maisie, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Rest.

Thank you Maisie.

Thank you so much for having me.

Well there we are James.

The off-menu menu of Maisie Adam and a lovely sip of peppermint tea.

Don't worry.

Does that count as green tea?

No no no no no sir.

It says peppermint tea.

Get out of here.

No no it says peppermint tea.

Green tea is what I mean Maisie didn't say it either so she got to stay in.

Yes she did.

Thank you Maisie.

Thank you Maisie.

Good menu I think.

menu rude episode a rude episode i mean you heard us listener we tried to divert it we we didn't want to be rude me and ed i did yeah me too

thank you very much to maisie for coming in uh do go and see maisie on tour her show is called buzzed it starts in september uh and you can go to maisieadam.com for tickets and go to shuffle and go to shuffle in brighton and order a chalkwork orange yeah maybe go and see maisie in brighton get the chalkwork orange go and see maisie in blackpool imagine how exciting that'll be.

Oh my god, is she even touring to Blackpool?

You'd think so.

If she's not, if she doesn't, I'm going to be disappointed.

Oh, but that'll be a great night in Brighton.

Go and see Maisie, then go out for a chalkwork orange.

Yeah, to shuffle.

The full experience.

Yeah, you've got the full Maisie Adam experience.

You can't get more Maisie than that.

Yeah, and every person who's working in Shuffle say to them,

Are you Maisie Adams' fiancée?

Yeah.

Why have you not played the Rolling Stones?

Yeah.

You've got to go in there, you've got to put a Rolling Stones song on it.

Yeah.

And you've got to complain.

Even if it gets played, played, you've got to complain that it's not been played yet.

And then snap a pop on him and pop it in and half and go.

And then that's it.

You've had the full maisy.

I might have some tour dates left.

Go and check on my website, edgamble.co.uk.

Yes, please.

Not up to much over here.

No.

No.

Well, I guess I'll be doing my Scandinavian tour.

Making me laugh every time you say it.

Doing my Scandinavian tour first week of September.

Yeah.

Where else are you touring, James?

That's it.

Yep, just Scandinavia.

For a week.

First gigs in three years.

Off to Scandinavia for a week, that's it.

You're both welcome.

Oh, I'm welcome.

I don't care if I'm welcome or not.

So do go and see James.

We do have some Scandinavian listeners, I'm sure.

Yes, I'll be improvising.

Yeah, maybe go and see him.

See what happens.

Maybe.

See how he deals improvising to a famously polite and quiet audience.

Yes.

So thank you very much, James.

Thank you very much, Benito.

Thank you very much, Maisie Adam.

And thank you very much, Ed Gamble.

Thank you very much, Francis Bell.

Ding a linga ling.

Ding a linga ling.

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So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true, Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.