Ep 142: Morgana Robinson

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the yogurt of great jokes, tipping in the crispy chocolate-covered bits of two lovely lads, mixing it in with the spoon of the internet, and gobbling it all down like a podcast.

Don't know if you've done Crunch Corner before.

I don't think I have done Crunch Corner.

I feel like you maybe have.

I feel like if I'd done Crunch Corner before, I probably did it better than that because I feel like I really, I mean, I try, do try and come up with them on the spot.

When I say try, I forget every single time that I've got to do it, even though quick peek behind the curtain.

We've just recorded an intro for another podcast.

Yeah.

I forgot that.

And then straight after, I forgot that I had to do it for this one.

Yeah, you always forget you ought to do it.

So Benito always goes, okay, ready?

And here we go.

And then you go, oh, oh, no.

Oh, oh, hold on a second.

Oh,

oh, no.

I always love it.

And you try and think.

Yeah.

And then you go for it.

Crunch corner.

Why did I do crunch corner?

I don't know why that came from.

I didn't think you'd pick crunch corners.

Nothing on.

I've not had a crunch corner since 1997.

No.

Well, and was that, I mean, that is the best one, I guess, one with the balls, but like.

But then I also liked the ones that had like compote.

No, I didn't mean like the compartment.

The compot, I always felt tricked.

I was like, that could all be in the same pot.

Yeah, it might as well be.

Yeah.

I I like the ones, I think there's the Bonoffy one, where the little thing that you poured in had like crumb in it, but also like toffee, bonoffy-y kind of sauce.

Bam.

And then you go, you know, really go to town like that one.

Maybe, maybe the yogurt was like banana-flavoured yogurt, I think.

And then you put toffee in, like

crumb.

Banana, bonoffy, bitch.

So welcome to our off-menu.

That's a gamble.

I'm the bonoffy bitch.

And we're going to invite a guest into our dream restaurant.

And we're going to ask them their favourite ever started a mancourse dessert side dish and drink and this week our guest is morgana

robinson morgana robinson wonderful uh comedian actor impressionist taskmaster champion uh amongst many things yes very excited to have morgana on really excited um i've loved everything that i've seen morgana do big fan looking forward to having her on here you've already interviewed her for the taskmaster podcast

this is going to be in person which will be lovely and she won't be able to do what she did on the Taskmaster podcast, which was to go into her wardrobe and pull out a bag of wigs.

Okay.

Well, she says she won't be able to, but maybe.

She might have brought the wigs with her.

We never know.

Very excited to have Morgana on.

She is in a new sitcom called Newark Newark, which is in Gold.

Yeah, make sure you watch that.

Although, Ed, I have to say, look, I'm very excited to have more Garner on, but if she picks a secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be disgusting, then we will kick her out of the dream restaurant.

And today's secret ingredient is tinned crab.

Tinned crab.

I've picked this one.

I used to eat a lot of tinned crab, James.

Yeah, not surprised.

Since a cat is in my life,

I now can't eat tinned fish because it reminds me of the food that we give him

because he's a posh little cat.

And the food we give him, apparently what you're supposed to give cats, he says, it's like all natural food.

And he has like tuna with crab, tuna with prawns.

And it's literally,

it's just like tinned with added vitamins and stuff.

So now, if I open a tin of tuna or a tin of crab or something like that, I'm like, it's cat food.

And does his shit smell of it?

Yeah, well, this shit, I mean, this shit's awful.

Yes.

But so is mine, so I can't complain about that.

Yeah, but cats' shit always smells exactly the same as their food.

And so I would imagine that would put you off ever

eating

food again.

The only time I've ever been worried that my wife was going to leave me

was when she walked into the bathroom where, because the cat's litter tray is in our bathroom.

You were using

a shit.

The cat was having a shit, and I was having a shit on the toilet.

It was unholy.

And she she was like, oh, my God.

We're like two lads just like both having a shit.

I thought she was going to leave you.

Yeah.

It's the closest I've ever felt to she's going to pack a suitcase and go because of the smell.

Well, good reason to leave.

That'd be funny.

She's left me.

Why?

Me and the cat were doing a shit at the same time in the same room.

It was smelled unholy.

Well, fair enough.

I'll check in on her, see how she's doing it.

That sounds pretty grim.

She just took a suitcase, all her clothes at a peg.

Well, hopefully Morgana won't say tinned crab, anyway.

Yeah, hopefully not.

Also, maybe we'll kick her out as well.

She says that she once had a shit in the same room as a captain.

Fair enough.

Yeah.

Is that some reason to leave someone?

I'm on tour doing my shits all over the UK.

My show's called Electric.

Edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

It's been a lot of fun so far.

Come and join in the fun.

You can pre-order my book, James A.

Caster's Guide to Quitting Social Media, Being the Best You Can Be, and Curing Yourself of Loneliness, Volume 1.

You can pre-order it wherever you get your books.

I will be be doing that thank you ed now send us a free one though yeah i'll send you a free one

and then you can boast about it on social media yes we'll do without further ado this is the off menu menu of morgana

welcome morgana to the dream restaurant thank you

welcome morgana robinson to the dream restaurant we've been expecting you for some time now you said you just wanted to catch the wave.

You didn't have any questions about the podcast.

Do you know what happened then, just then?

I think he burnt himself.

Before I set myself on fire?

Was it, yeah?

No.

Any more guesses?

You just made some Tiramisu in your knickers.

Interesting.

Now, why?

Why?

What part of that made it look like I did made Tima?

Yeah, yeah.

Like I had Tim Masu made in my knickers.

Do you always eat like sliding doors and you've come out, you know, from the back of the restaurant and you're walking through?

Kind of, that's a bit closer.

Yeah, a bit closer.

It is a bit closer, you're right, to making Tiramasu in your knickers

because that was so off-piece.

Yeah, that everything you said.

Making Tiramasu in my knickers was quite a long way off, but

it's much harder than you think, so you've got to get all the layers.

Yeah, yeah, it's quite hard, isn't it?

All the sponge fingers in there.

Kind of look like it's already eaten.

I assumed making Tiramasu in your knickers was like a euphemism for shitting yourself.

It was, it was, yeah.

But you're thinking about the layers of Tiramasu.

No, the layers of shitting yourself yeah sure and the spring fingers yeah quite they've got to come out whole

so deal with that i was being a genie i'm a genie oh you're a genie

have you come out of a bottle or a gravy boat or like uh you know something

it's morgana's dream roast yeah you come out of bottle whatever you want me to have come out of i do like gravy though big fan of gravy i like my roast i like it swimming yeah swimming in gravies the way it should be yeah would you like a bowl of a if you ate a roast would you prefer it in in a bowl than a

plate?

Yeah, at least a couple of high sides.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You can really

have it like a soup.

Yeah, slightly, yeah.

There's never enough gravy, is there?

Never.

That's why I always, you know, like you can always order an extra jar.

A jar?

Interesting.

Because you've already said, is the genie in a bottle?

And then asked for an extra jar of gravy.

Are all of your vessels all topsy-turvy here?

Well, genie in a bottle, that's Natalie and Brugia, right?

What?

Hey.

Come on.

Oh, dear.

Oh, Christina Aguilera Christina Aguilar I can't believe I just said that yeah I can't believe it yeah well I can't believe it I get why you mix up because they're both surnames that sound funny when you say them yeah yeah yeah very funny in a catering accent yeah is that where you're from yeah where's catering northamptonshire where's northamptonshire east midlands okay yeah yeah you can't follow that up with where's the east midlands it is in the name

like an hour on the train to derby okay great well you don't have a very strong like you know that's a case of the the show I did I had to learn a new accent in

a week wow why do you sound like that well in Ketrin we're kind of everyone's accents are quite you know we all speak quite lazily in different ways but when I started doing stand-up when I was on open mica people couldn't understand me sometimes you had it thrashed out of you so I had to like learn to enunciate more and I was like well I better you know like I say Ketrin now because people know that I'm from Ketrin but at the time I was on open mica I'd say ketarin as clear as clear as I'd say ketamin ketterin Ketarin.

Yeah, and that's the thing.

Then they would say ketamine to me afterwards and go, I thought you said you had ketamin.

And I was like, oh, no, I didn't say that.

And they were disappointed that you didn't have ketamin.

Yeah, you really like, you know, let everyone down.

Let people think, oh, this is going to be brilliant.

This open mic has got ketamine on him.

All the other comics have been shit, but this guy's going to give us drugs.

Oh, no.

He's another shit one.

What's the Nuak accent then?

I don't know.

I shouldn't have even brought that up.

No, you shouldn't have.

We got you now.

Oh, it's a pit.

It's like a pinched O.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

And they say things like, don't go out, don't go out without a coat on because you get code.

So this is Newark Newark.

Yeah.

A new sitcom.

A new sitcom.

Gold

that you're in.

Six-year-old gold.

What can you tell us about Newark Newark?

Well, it's very funny.

Yeah.

It's very stupid.

Great.

It's about a middle-aged lady, very sexy, who has a son.

And he's just come out.

And there's lots of crazy characters

and kind of a funny mess.

That sells it to me, I think, a funny mess.

I'm a born.

A funny mess.

Yeah, that's how we describe, well, whenever I make two of Masu and my knickers, that's how I describe it.

It's a lovely funny mess.

Talking of accents, though, Morgana, where are you from, though?

Well, I was born in Australia.

So there you go.

I know.

So I came over here when I was like three.

So I don't, I'm very anglicised, but my whole family sounds like that.

We're like, you know, proper sort of redneck country Victoria Australians.

You know, it's very sort of, you know, neighbours or or whatever.

Because obviously, you're very good at voices anyway, because that's, you know, part of your job.

You can slip into very voices.

But is that easier for you to reach for?

Because even though you're only there for,

yeah, because I have to speech on the phone all the time, don't I?

Have you always been able to do voices?

Because I'm something of a, I like to try, and I can't really do them very well.

James is obsessed with people who can do accents, but you're...

Do you want me to teach you one?

Yeah.

Okay, why don't you, Ed, give us an example of an accent?

Well, should I give it a question?

And if I can do it.

Shall I give you an example of one that I love James doing?

No, you don't have to give

Shrek.

He does Shrek.

Go on then.

What do you want Shrek to talk about?

Um,

shoes.

So, Shrek's got a new pair of shoes, maybe?

Yeah, that'd be lovely.

Really nice new pair of shoes, and he loves them so much.

Oh, I'm trying out these new shoes.

Oh, they're so nice.

Doggy!

Doggy, come and give me my shoes.

I'm putting my shoes on.

Oh, those are some good shoes.

Oh, I'm gonna wear them all the way happily ever after.

Shrek

that's extraordinary thank you thank you

so where would you start maybe if there if there was any pointers that you could give Jones maybe improve it if it can be improved indeed um I would just I just move on to the next one

try a new attempt but yeah the best way is if if you've just if you know someone yeah with a with a Glasgow accent just sidle up Yeah, enjoy the ride.

Mike Myers, yeah, he's Canadian, doing like a Scottish accent that a lot of Scottish people, they don't appreciate the voice he does in Shrek.

So maybe they would prefer mine because I'm just at least making fun.

You know, I'm not even making fun of him.

I'm genuinely trying every time I do that.

I'd like to think that Scottish people would appreciate my one more than his one.

I think so.

It's got more potential or something.

Potential.

Yeah, a lot of potential.

100% potential.

It's almost, yeah, it's almost, yeah, it is.

It's nothing but potential there.

Yeah.

We always start with still or sparkling water.

Oh, sparkling.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not even thinking about the still.

No, if I'm out, if I'm out at.

If I'm out, I'll go fucking sparkling all the way.

Yeah.

Just because it feels fancier?

Yeah, it feels a bit, you know, like you feel a bit bubbly, you feel a bit zingy.

Puts a spring in your step.

So are you feeling bubbly before you have the sparkling water, or are you feeling not bubbly and then you have the sparkling water and then you're feeling bubbly?

And then I'm ready.

I'm ready.

I'm ready to masturgate.

After you're ready to go.

Yeah.

Perfect.

You both won, Taskmaster?

Yes.

Fucking hell, yes, we did.

Yeah, we both won it.

Have you done it?

Yeah.

You didn't win.

I didn't even know I did it.

Morgana vibe stuff.

We know this.

What?

Yeah, I did it.

Did you have a nice time?

Yeah.

I had a nice time.

Were you in the same bottom?

No, no, no, no, no.

We weren't in the same one.

I would have loved that.

Yeah, wouldn't that have been that?

Yeah, I'd have thrashed him.

No, you wouldn't.

You came second bottom in your.

Yeah, but I was like,

my one.

Won't go understand more.

Morgana.

Morgana.

What you understand about my one is that any of us on my one if we'd been on another series we would have won that's not true we were really good oh i see so like if i was on ed's one i would have won it that's not true so it wouldn't matter that i was second bottomer i do the taskmaster podcast and i we regularly interview someone called jack bernhart who is uh a comedy writer uh and also a taskmaster obsessive and has done spreadsheets for every single possible uh scenario oh my god and i beat james

i beat james in every single possible scenario no i don't think that by

this is like top five in all of them and James is like bottom third of the table.

I don't know who this dweeb is who you've been talking to on the Taskmaster podcast, but like I can guarantee you that's not true.

That wouldn't work.

If I was given your tasks, I would have like been number one.

Do you think so?

What was your favourite task?

What did you excel at most?

I reenacted a computer game, Dick Van Theft Auto.

I was very convincing.

He was really tough for that.

Yeah, and you know what?

That was the one he did well at.

Was it?

Yeah.

What about you, Morgana?

When I painted myself green and I sat in a bath and I was a mermaid.

Yeah.

That was really fun.

That was good.

See, actually, yeah, so this cross over there, one of my best tasks was dressing Alex up like a mermaid and putting funnel boobs on him and spraying a hose out of one of them.

So he was a water feature.

I saw that somewhere.

Probably on the news where they said the best task has happened.

Ed's been arrested.

Ed's been arrested for taping up this poor.

For the uniboob.

For the uniboob mermaid, yeah.

If you were going to be a mermaid again, would you want to be in Sparks and Water?

Fuck yeah.

Yeah.

yeah that's um yeah it's quite decadent isn't it do you want a wedge of lemon or any ice in your sparkling water yeah are we are we in somewhere hot

well where do you want the dream restaurant to be

on the beach does everyone say that i want it to be on the beach don't they no not at all imagine everyone wanted to be on the beach sometimes people don't question the location of it oh i'm quite i don't know i need to set the scene so i was thinking like a little place in italy somewhere on the shore love it yeah and some some old geezer you can be you you're the waiter aren't you yes okay so your dad's the the old geezer and he owns it or whatever and and um and it's all quite like family you know family run that'd be nice yeah so you want an old geezer to run it i want the old geezer to run it sort of wink at me every now and again mama mamia

you follow on yeah

mama mia that's my dad exactly that kind of well and the mama mia is your mama and they this they send you like free limoncellos and stuff like that yeah so you want to be sort of uh lightly harassed lightly harassed by the locals um just to keep me my spirits up

and sort of feel that I've still got it in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And yeah, I can hear some waves and shit.

Yeah.

You know, sand in the toes.

Yeah.

That kind of vibe.

I thought you were setting yourself up for like a little rhyme there.

Nah.

Sand in the toes.

Anything goes.

I thought that's what you were saying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, maybe I could start it and you can always finish it.

Yeah, if you keep setting rhymes.

Can I just

perfect catchphrase for like, you know, a kind of like slightly boredy act, but not quite.

Well, I'll start it.

You can always finish it.

I'll always finish any catchphrase you want to throw out there, Morgana.

Thank you.

And you're going to be sent limoncellos for the whole meal.

Whoa, yeah, go on then.

Yeah.

Just keep it.

It's normally the end, isn't it?

Yeah, it's the end, isn't it?

Well, you get the meal.

Always lives to be around.

I love a limoncello on holiday.

Only on holes, yeah.

Have you ever tried to have a limoncello just in England?

I tip the roof of your mouth off.

It was awful.

My mum made some homemade.

a homemade batch.

It was like, I mean, I'm sure if you could run a car on it, it was aggressive.

How did she make it?

I don't know, but there's, it's really,

you've got to be really careful.

There's like, like, is it ethanol?

Am I making this up now?

Pop it up, zorb bread!

Pop it up, zorb bread!

Pop it up, zorb bread!

Fucking bread!

For carta!

I'm in Italy now, so yeah.

So do you want James the genie waiter to bring it over, or do you want his sort of cheese?

No, I do, I want him.

I I would say that.

Right, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

Right, you'll bring it over.

So,

what's the old dad doing now?

He's like whistling or something, isn't he?

And whistling and just winking, I think.

Yeah, is he sort of in the restaurant, or is he just sat on the beach as well, or is he in the sea, maybe with tiny little trunks on?

Yeah, maybe it's just with his feet in the water, listening to his walkman.

Yeah,

his discman.

What's he listening to?

I don't know, Kylie.

Yeah.

Right, so he's listening to Kylie like all old Italian men.

Yeah.

He's sat on the beach just whistling and winking at you.

Winking, whistling, and winking, yes.

Are you fine with that?

Yeah, throwing the old clam at my head.

Yeah, yeah.

Getting, yeah?

Or him missing?

Just miss me by a bee stick.

Yeah, yeah.

Nice phrase.

You've got a lot of good phrases, Morgana, because something you said to me on the Taskmaster podcast, people mentioned to me a lot.

I was saying something, I went off on a rant about something, and you told me to take my foot off the cunt pedal.

Wow.

Did you leave that in?

Yeah.

Of course we did.

It's great.

I love it.

It's a good one, isn't it?

I've used it since.

Only on myself, though.

Oh, no, yeah.

Feel free to use it.

Are these all Australian phrases?

No, that one I learned off Matt Berry, actually.

Right.

Yeah, you need to take your foot off the cunt.

He's a funny fucker.

Yeah.

That's how he talks.

Yes, eh.

So this guy sat in the sea, winking, listening to Carly.

Yeah,

and the sun's going down, but it's still like, you can still see everything.

It really works like well twinkly.

Yeah.

Yeah, and maybe some stray cats and shit.

Keep it real.

Do you like that on holiday?

With straight cats?

Of course I do.

No, no, stray dogs.

Stray dogs.

Yeah, La Valle always, by the end of it, have like three pets.

Yeah, see, I hate that.

Do you?

It's not for everyone.

I've been eating dinner.

I'm like, get away, guys.

And then it was shingles or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, if they don't have all their limbs, it's a bit off-putting, but.

Yeah.

How many...

Limbs.

Do you want the full set or are you okay with just one missing?

Just with one.

This dog just hops about.

One missing, I said.

That's the point.

Yeah, that'll be the one I want to save.

What's your ideal stray pet around a restaurant table on holiday?

Doesn't have the full amount of limbs or one with an extra limb.

Oh, like a nubbin.

Yeah.

Has it got toes or is it, is it, is it fully developed before the fifth one?

No, I think maybe just like almost it's on the way to being like a pigeon's foot or something.

Yeah, like no, no, no, you don't want that.

That's the worst one.

Yeah, three, yeah.

Three max for legs.

Four max.

What if it was walking around just on two legs like a person?

But with, you know, no.

No, no, now I'm starting to think about going next door to the other restaurant.

What about a bow tie on?

It was like a little restaurant, you know, little waiter dog.

Okay, that's quite cute.

Yeah, yeah.

What is

the little waiter dog trots over to bring you a Focatcha and then the Focatcher comes up and it's on a little extra pigeon's foot that's on the side.

How are you feeling about that?

How much do you like Forcatcher?

Yeah.

I love the way you looked at Benita there as if if to say, get me out of there.

Who is this?

What's going on?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm fine.

Just for today.

I'm quite game.

Yeah, okay.

You don't have to have the pigeon foot.

I was just testing how much you like Forcatcher, whether you'd still eat the Fokatcher if it was handed by a little pigeon nubbin on the side of a dog.

Has the nubbin touched the Fokatcher?

Yeah, it's grasping the Fokatcher.

Oh, it is.

So that's how it's like clockwriting clasping it.

So let me at least give us a scenario that someone might pick.

But I'm saying if a little little pigeon footer

loves for catcher, if the little pigeon foot presented me with my favourite bread, I'd probably go, thank you very much, and I'd just tear off the corner that the pigeon foot foot nubbin touched.

Yeah.

That's sensible.

Yeah.

What?

And you give that to me.

And you give that to the pigeon.

It's not a pigeon, it's a dog, but...

Oh, but yeah, okay, well, you give that to the dog.

The dog with the pigeon foot nubbin, yeah.

As a like little tip.

Yeah, that would be lovely.

Yeah, that's sweet.

So do you want that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah, I want that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How did we get to yes?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, you can have that if you want.

What other breads are there?

Well, all the birds in the world.

Really?

Yeah, any bird you want.

I'm going to stick with pigeon for capture.

Your dream starter.

Well, I thought something like

tuna tartare or something.

Yeah.

Fresh, clean, lots of citrus.

Maybe a little sesame snap on the side.

That's nice.

What, like the ones you buy in...

No, not the ones you get in, like when you were a kid, and you know, when you asked for something sweet and your mum gave you that, and you're like, Who's buying those?

Who is buying those Sesame snacks in don't?

My mum, my mum, I used to get them all the time.

Really?

The ones in the little yellow panel.

Apparently, that was a pudding.

No, my God.

I know.

So they still sell them in corner shops, and they've got dust on them because no one's buying them.

Is it just you buying that?

I'm going to be honest.

I never had them as kids, as a kid, ever.

As kids?

James used to be four kids.

As a kid, I used to be a number of kids.

It's a long story about how I came to be the single man I am now, but we all joined forces.

Anyway, I went for a phase like a few years ago.

I was in a shop.

I was buying something else, probably a Diet Coke or something.

Yeah.

And as I was buying it, I looked at Sesame Samsung thought.

I've never had them.

I've seen them my whole life.

I've never had them.

I was going to buy them.

I thought it was delicious.

They are quite, yeah.

I went for a phase of having them every time I was in those shops.

Eat it on the way to a gig, give myself a bit of...

you know

yeah a bit of vava voom for the gig

yeah see if they repackage themselves as they give you Vavavum,

I would buy them.

Yeah, yeah.

Pop a little pop a sesame snap in.

Yeah.

Here we go.

Vavavum.

But it's one of those things in shops that I just never

like sort of Japanese-y sort of like a like a jet-like a

tweel, like a thing.

Thank you, like a like a crispy, like an airy, like a mmm, like a button melt-in-the-mouthy sort of sesame snappy thing.

Not those little bricks, those little angry, sweet, nutty asshole bricks.

Yeah, meaty asshole bricks.

Nutty asshole bricks.

Nutty asshole bricks.

No, I know what you mean.

I know what you mean.

Just a little bit.

You can break your teeth on those

things, yeah.

Especially the ones you're talking about with the dust on because they've all like glued together.

Yeah, losing your teeth is the opposite of avavum, I'd say.

Yeah, yeah, that's not very pavavum, is it?

Nanavum.

Yeah, nana vumum.

Pada vum.

What?

That's pada voom.

Pada vum.

Tuna tartare.

Yes, please.

You regularly have that?

Is that this one of your favourite dishes?

It is in my local Italian.

Do they know that?

When you come in, do they know?

Oh, winky nose, yeah.

Is there a winky in your local Italian?

Everywhere.

Is there?

Do you not go?

Do you not have a winky everywhere?

It's a good experience for us, I think.

Is it when we go into an Italian nose?

Yeah, maybe you might find that a bit creepy if men wink at you.

No, no, I wouldn't.

No, I can do it.

I'd welcome them.

I'd welcome them,

they're not interested in winking at me and the less teeth, the better.

Yeah, yeah, for them or you.

Oh, Jesus, Ed.

That's the.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, dear.

Sorry, I'm so sorry.

All my teeth.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, but only.

I did chip this one though.

Oh, no.

I was so drunk, I don't know how I chipped it, but I just woke up with a sort of light.

I've got, this has fake, this corner of my tooth.

Where were you the night you chipped your tooth?

Let's see if we can do where's my carbis.

Yeah.

Ed is Ashton Kutcher.

Yeah.

And I am Ashton.

I mean, I was in Soho, and that's all I can give you.

And then I, yeah, and then I just woke up with half my tooth missing.

Matt Berry was around.

Just blame it on Matt.

I can already tell that Matt Berry was around when this happened.

Yeah.

I bet he was around.

Yeah, I must have like chipped it on his tash or something.

Yeah.

I chip my teeth.

I've got a crown here now

because I

used to think it was cool to open bottles of beer with my teeth.

That is quite cool though, isn't it?

Do you think it is?

If you're a pirate.

And if you're a 16-year-old girl, you think it's quite cool.

Do you?

Yeah, that's the kind of thing would have been like...

They didn't.

They didn't think it was cool when I was.

If you knew Morgana, that would have gone quite well, both kind of things.

But Morgana also likes men with no teeth winking at us.

You can't have both.

You can't have both.

Just me opening bottles of beer, all my teeth falling out.

Good guns.

Desperately winking at you.

They're solid now.

They're fine.

But they're all fake.

So what happened?

So we do, was it mid crack?

Yeah, it like, because you've got to get the tooth over the bottle cap and then you push it down like that and it just took a chunk off.

And then you would have thought I would have sorted that out.

I just started doing it on the other side.

Oh, my vagina's going weird.

Yeah.

I can't tell you.

I'm sure I don't know maybe what what willys do when you hear weird things like that, but just because...

Yeah, back in.

There you go.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Mine's going all haywire like a little piggy tail.

Is it curly?

It's going curly.

It's looping this way.

But you get older.

It's getting curlier as you get older.

No, just when I heard that story.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, yeah, it was all normal.

And then Ed told that story and it started going, woo!

God, it'd be such a nightmare if they got curlier as they got older.

Yeah, that would be bad, wouldn't wouldn't it?

Oh, you know what age it is like.

You find grey hair and then when you find the first loop in your dick.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

So there is a there's a winky in your Italian restaurant.

Yeah.

So he's winking at you.

Does he know when you sit down to bring you the tart?

No, no, he's going to bring me the menu first.

And I always like to have a little peruse, you know, and I like, because I like to take it all in.

It kind of gets me in the mood.

But even though deep down you know

what I'm going, I know where I'm heading.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you go through the sort of ritual of pretending pretending to yourself that you might pick something else?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I might, oh, my calamari might be nice.

But have you seen my octopus teacher?

Yeah.

I can't eat anything with tendrils now.

Because of that?

Yeah, it really broke my heart.

It's so romantic, wasn't it?

Kind of, but then also.

When they hugged at the end.

Well, James has got a theory.

Whoa.

I don't know if I had a theory about it.

I just think, you know, Attenborough's got his rule of don't interfere, right?

Ah.

Stand back, don't interfere, let it happen.

Octopus teacher, man, goes, completely interferes, becomes his friend, playing with it all the time.

Then the shark comes along and then he then he goes oh the animal roll I'll leave you to get fucking eaten now by a shark and have the shit kicked out of you because he's too afraid to yeah oh we'll be buddies and basically I'll get you all tame and trusting so that you like that so that you're absolutely easy pickings for a shark and then the shark comes along and he just films it getting battered I don't think that's romantic I thought you told me you wanted to fuck the octopus yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah she was pretty hot yeah yeah yeah yeah I've never seen it because I like eating octopus and everyone else

don't do it i've ruined i've ruined my life yeah so i really like eating octopus so rather than watch it and change my mind stick head in the sand yeah head in the sand loads more documentaries out there yeah yeah

um your dream main course i was thinking vongolay yeah yeah spaghetti vongolay please and is this because the man sat on the beach is throwing clams at you yeah yeah yeah got me in the mood Yeah, sort of, so he's suggesting things by chucking them at your head, basically.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bongolay comes up a surprising amount, I'd say.

Harry Hill chose it as his dream main course.

Kindred spirits, in a way.

You and Harry Hill.

So that's really, I like that.

Do you not think?

Yeah, I'm not sure.

Similar vibes.

I'm happy about that.

We used to live in both.

We used to live in Whitstable as well.

Lovely.

Where was the best place to eat in Whitstable?

There's a place called The Sportsman, which is very nice.

What kind of food?

Modern British, I would say.

Yeah.

This bongalay.

Bongo.

bongolay.

Bongolay.

Do you want to share it with Harry Hill?

Yeah, fuck yeah.

Yeah.

I'll share with her.

We've not checked with him that that's okay.

Hey, what could you have to

come up with something else?

No, God, no, no, no.

We were just saying,

if you were having bongolay, do you want your own portion or do you mind sharing?

No, no, I'm not sharing.

Oh, fuck.

No, no, no.

No, I eat like a man.

I eat like a big, I eat a lot of pasta.

Yeah.

How often are you eating pasta?

Three times a week.

That's a lot.

A lot.

That's a lot of pasta.

And you varying up the dishes?

Well, you mean the sauces?

And then the shapes.

Yeah, it's sure.

But yeah, it is the potatoes.

Shapes and the sauces.

Yeah, I'll do, yeah.

And, you know, what you're putting in.

What pasta dishes are you having?

So let's let's go through it.

Let's go through your week.

Okay.

I did like a really nice one with like a spinach and artichokes.

That was nice.

Nice.

What shape of pasta?

Spaghetti.

Yeah.

And then I did like a rigatone one with like sausages and sage, but they were not sausages.

They were vegetarian sausages.

And tomatoes and fennel seed.

Very nice.

Lovely.

Lots of basil.

Oh, yeah.

Like a seafood one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And prawn ones and loads of like lemon zest.

How many shapes of pasta do you have in your house at any given moment?

Oh my god, I'd probably say about seven.

Really?

Seven?

Yeah.

I don't think I could even name that many shapes.

Yes, you can.

Come on, let's go.

Penne.

Come on, Ed.

Penne.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Spaghetti.

Yeah.

Linguini.

Yes.

Fusili.

This one, this one.

No, I'm not looking.

I want to do it properly.

I want to do the game properly.

You don't win Taskmaster by taking help from other people.

It's lasagna sheets.

Yes, lasagna.

Lasagna, you're kind of lonely.

You can say that.

Yeah.

Oh, that's good.

I'll say that next.

Angel Hair?

Yes.

Fafale.

Oh, that's action Mambo tied.

That's what I was doing for you.

I was trying to help you.

Oh, right, okay.

Taglitelli.

Tagliatelli.

Yeah.

Oh, good one.

Uh-oh.

I might be in big trouble.

I said it a minute ago when I was talking about the sausage.

Here's the thing as well.

Like,

I make a regular pasta, my chorizo broccoli pasta, and I make it with a pasta that I don't even know the name of it.

We get the same pasta every time because it's the best one to go with chorizo broccoli pasta.

Do you do it with chicks and chili?

No, we do it with chili.

Chili, garlic, capers.

Sexy.

Thank you.

I've got two lined up ready to go by the way.

Yeah, quite no pressure.

I've got about five.

The taskmaster champs are absolutely

shredding me here.

You're going to come bottom last again.

Oh, no.

Bottom last.

Last last year.

Second bottom I came, and it will be the same again because Benito's bottom.

The last time you had a second bottom was when you were many kids.

Yeah.

I had four bottoms.

Oh, I don't.

I think I'm out.

Come on.

I don't think there's any other pass.

You don't give up.

Macaroni.

Yeah, there you go.

It's

macaroni movie.

Macaroni.

But a pepper is that good macaroni.

Orzo.

Oh nice.

What?

Orzo?

It looks like little rice.

Looks like rice.

Orachieti.

Oh, no.

Yeah, the bill is.

Because it's straight back now.

Oh, no.

Because YouTube had once lined up.

So it's like, it didn't even get.

He's the genius of this game.

I came up for air for like two seconds, and now that's it.

Oh,

come on.

He was so smuggling.

Angel hair was really so smug.

I've got them here.

Because I was like, you were struggling, so I was like, well, this game's going to last one more round.

So I've got angel hair and then I'm out.

I didn't know I was going to have to do my hair.

You checked out, didn't you?

Yeah, I did check out.

But even now that I'm in, also, what's annoying about it is

I tried to go, I'm out, and then I told I can't go out.

He was like, no.

So now I'm trapped in this.

I've got three lined up.

You haven't got three lined up, have you?

I've got a few up my sleeve.

What?

Uh-huh.

How is this?

He's sweating.

He's sweating.

You normally like guessing games.

He looks.

He looks really actually quite worried.

For flazy.

For Flazy.

I'm not sure for Flazi.

For Flazy.

Yes.

Espenito?

He's on the Wikipedia.

For pasta?

How are you spelling for Flazy?

F-E-R-F-L-E-Z-Z-I.

Nothing.

It's got it was zero.

Oh, you've got to...

I'll beat Dave Foreman.

Do you want to hear my last ones that I have?

Yeah, yeah, go.

Bucatini.

Nice.

Bucatti.

Bucatini.

Big thick spaghetti.

Ravioli, I thought I could throw that in.

Oh, hello.

Oh, fuck's sake.

You haven't even thought of yachto.

Strozza pretty.

Yeah, the little ripped bit.

Strangled priest, that's what that means.

What?

One of the bandits.

I've got a wide on.

Is that another pasta?

Yeah.

Meaty dishes only.

We're not going to put this bit in, are we?

Going to take this bit out.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, our listeners love this kind of stuff.

Do they?

They're disgusting.

Okay, great.

You've just got to speak your truth, Morgana.

They love it.

I generally do anyway.

I don't know.

Try and keep it all hidden away, but it just comes out.

Yeah.

Like an angry gremlin.

Did we say Papadeli?

No, I don't think we did.

That was all just part of the different.

Yeah, yeah.

The fatties, thin and fat.

And then I thought of Stellina, those tiny little ones that you put in

the Minestrona, yeah.

Oh, yeah, lovely.

Yeah.

Loads.

You missed out on loads, James.

You look gutted, mate.

Well, you know, I was running my mouth up earlier about I'd just win in any any game of, you know, but if we were all our taskmasters together and it was name as many pastors, I'd be bottoming.

Which they would do as a studio task.

Yep, I'll be bottoming the task there.

I don't mind bungalay, but when it arrives and all the shells are in there,

that feels like admin to me.

I love a bit of seafood admin.

Give me a crab, give me a claw, fucking smash that bitch up.

Honestly, I am getting in there.

No stone is left on time.

I'll be there for hours, actually, and I'm really sorry, and it's embarrassing, and people will stare at him.

I don't care.

It's like the scene out of Splash, you know, where she just like takes a chunk out of the lobster in the restaurant.

So you just really take your time?

I'm like, I go, I go caveman.

Yeah.

Yeah, fully caveman.

You wouldn't like

tinned.

You wouldn't like tinned crab or canned crab or anything.

Get out.

Yeah, yeah, you hate it.

Yeah, yeah.

So the old guy, he's sat on the beach now.

He's

smoking now.

Is he smoking now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's so bored of watching you do zoom food out there.

He's made the biggest joint of all time.

Yes, yeah, it's a join.

This is my dad, my Italian dad.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And now he's stoned off his nut.

That's very typical of your dad, actually.

Of course.

But he's spot on.

And then the bands just arrived.

What bands playing?

I don't know.

Some local local types with like horns and drums and stuff.

Yeah.

Choice your dream meal and you're happy to roll the dice on some local daddy.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't want to just choose your favourite band?

No, wait, Jose.

No, no, I want to taste all the delicacies of the surroundings.

It's amazing that in your dream meal, I think you've picked all of the aspects of holiday meals that I hate.

Have I?

Stray cats, a winking old man.

I said dogs, actually.

Stray dogs, stray animals, winking old man who's being a bit weird around all the women,

a local band who play despite you wanting them to play or not.

And in a minute, I'd imagine someone's going to come over and try and sell you some roses.

Yeah.

No!

No, I'm hey, hey, back on.

I'm drawing the line of roses.

You're drawing the line of roses.

Fair enough, good.

Yeah, maybe a conch.

What?

A conch.

A conch shell.

You know, the ones are.

Yeah, yeah.

I think it is actually conch.

I think it's conch.

She's a weird conch.

Two of us are saying conch.

But I know you two.

That shell, that is Chloe Conklin.

You probably want Taskmaster, so we spoke about it.

You want Taskmaster, so you missed my.

I said Shell Pasta earlier, and it's

conchielegi or something?

Is the Shell pasta?

How do you feel about that, Joe?

Shell pasta.

I feel pretty bad.

Feels pretty bad.

Muster and sauce.

Yeah.

I would agree with Ed that the food that you've picked sounds delicious, but the setting is the worst we've ever had on the podcast.

Probably.

yeah are you joking

for some sort of topless england fans to run a non-beach no no no no this is sky sports on the tv no it is not no it's not no this is like little local little sort of like it's a little you know a tiny little the the beach is about that big yeah which is about the size of my cranium so you're sitting on a beach the size of your own cranium

maybe a bit bigger but like you know and it's it's all friendly and like you have to maybe like walk down some rocks to get there that sort of thing yeah no i think that sounds idyllic i think the band and the stray animals and the winking old man would ruin.

The band is like a really good cover of Toxic by Britney Spears.

Okay.

It's okay, but

in an Italian accent.

Yeah.

But they're not singing it in Italian.

They're singing it in English.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it sounds awful.

It still is pretty bad,

but it's like,

it's entertaining.

What's your spaghetti technique?

Just twizzle.

Are you twizzling?

Twizzle, shovel it in, and then bite off whatever's sort of splashing about.

you know the like yeah the little yeah when you're i'm not a sucker i'm not a sucker anyway no you didn't need to suck in i'm not a lady in the tramp how do you feel about people who chop their spaghetti up with a knife and fork and then eat the little bits

look pretty furious not answering the question just standing with their head i used to work in restaurants i worked in restaurants for eight years well how has this only come up now

i know well i don't know what i thought there'll be a time and place for it and it is now and that's why i gave you destiny what restaurant what sort of restaurants did you used to work in?

So I used to, the first one I worked in was a place called West Street, closed down.

And then the second place was a place called The Avenue and then I used to work at Rocker.

Do you know Rocker on Charlotte Street?

Posh Sushi.

Posh Sushi.

And that's where I met my agent.

Is it?

Yeah.

Well, you're working there?

You open your own doors.

Yeah, I was working there.

I was the door hall.

So like, I'd take you to your table.

And, you know, like...

So in that case, they specifically weren't opening their own doors, right?

You were opening opening everyone's door.

Every I was the door.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was the entrance.

You were the entrance.

Yeah.

Did they sign you based on your job there?

No, so basically what I did was so John Noel, he used to come in at lunchtime a lot.

He was lovely and I was used to give me, he was my favourite and I'd always you know get him a nice table and that kind of thing.

And then I made my own showreel.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, it was absolutely appalling.

Was that doing impressions and characters and that sort of stuff?

Yeah.

You look really worried about it, but it seemed to have paid off.

I'm just hoping it never gets leaked.

Well, you got you an agent.

It couldn't have been bad.

It was appalling.

But why didn't he sign you?

No, I'd probably get cancelled.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, and I sent it to loads of like lovely agents and obviously no one got back to me.

But I did a sculpture degree before then, so I was like untrained, didn't really know what to do.

Yeah, and then I made my own show wheel and I gave it to him and then he signed me.

Did you present it as if it was like gonna one of the dishes?

On a platter.

On a platter.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I wouldn't, I'd never been able to do stuff like that.

How did you crowbar your way in?

Just gigging.

People saw me, meeting people, but I would never have, I would never have had the confidence.

How did you get on the circuit?

You just asked for gigs and stuff.

Were you not absolutely petrified?

Yeah, I still am.

Are you?

Ruined my entire life.

Oh, mate, really?

I wasn't.

He's come out, he's come out all right.

When you're younger, you're more confident, I think.

You tend to make those decisions.

That's me.

I was saying when I go to Chessington, like, when I was a kid, I'd fucking go, come on, then.

I was going forward.

It literally get me on the back end of the galleon now.

Yeah.

So I can spit at everyone.

Now I'm like, oh, teacups.

Yeah.

The fear does say that.

There's no chance of going on Ramesses or Revenge now.

No, I just snap my neck.

Do you know what I mean?

If I don't sleep on my pillow every night, it's like I've fallen out of a 50-storey building.

Are you taking your pillow with you?

I turn my pillow everywhere.

Do you?

Oh, I turn my pillow everywhere.

My pillow comes with with me.

I'm gonna...

No, it's not here.

But I mean, yeah,

I would have noticed if you'd walked in here with your pillow.

Yeah, with a pillow.

It comes travel lodge with me.

It comes wherever I want.

It's specific to my weird.

Look at how long my neck is.

Look.

Yeah, it's very long.

It's a really fucking long neck.

And it needs as much support as it can get.

Sure.

I can't sleep on planes.

Like, I have to get two of those things.

Oh, see, we'd have to double stack the travel lodge.

I'm a double stack.

I'm a double stacker.

And even then, there's like an inch left.

And I'm just, and all I am is on a long haul flight just crying my fucking tits on whilst all the other fucking cunts are sleeping.

Yeah, all the shorts.

It really winds me up.

And then I'll drink like eight bottles of red wine.

Yeah.

And then take a sleeper.

Yeah.

And then do something weird in my sleep.

Have you done that?

What?

Have you ever been woken up by the hair hostess?

No.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You were saying some weird things in your sleep.

I was like, oh, God.

Is that bad?

Did I tell you what?

Do you know what you're doing?

Yes, I do know.

I found out because the guy next to me couldn't couldn't wait to tell me.

Brilliant.

Yeah.

Go on.

You fucking caught you cheating, you fucking asshole!

Your dream side dish, Morgana.

I mean, I was going to go for a salad.

It's a bit boring, but it's what I would.

I'm just trying to be authentic.

Is it your favorite dish?

And normally what happens is, because I don't eat cheese, I'll go, hi, can I get the Rocket Parmesan salad without a Parmesan?

Yes, I'm a cunt.

I know.

Is that your dream side dish or is it what you just normally order?

If this is your absolute dream, whatever you want, you can have a bowl of cereal if you want, but anything, whatever you want as a side dish.

Maybe I'll go some grilled prawns then or something.

I'm staying, I'm by the sea.

Oh, those little bastards, those little fried courgettes.

Let's get some of those.

Oh, yeah.

Like a little zucchini.

Salty zucchini fritti.

Yes.

Yeah, fuck you.

Let's get some of those.

See, I'm two glasses of wine in now, and I'm pouring

all all the sides.

Just to let the listener know, Morgana hasn't had two glasses of wine, but she's fully gone into character as someone who has had two glasses of wine, saying things like, zucchini fruitie, fuck it.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

And this is like the deep-fried

fried.

The one that's like, yeah, they're great.

They're so good.

Yeah, so crispy.

Yeah, they're good.

They're so good.

I love them.

I prefer them to chips.

I think they're a good alternative.

Thank you.

You're less full, but they're still a cheeky, greasy treat.

Yeah, a cheeky, greasy treat.

I think whenever they're on the menu, I'll order them instead of chips.

But if they were on every single menu, and I always ordered them,

I'd miss chips.

So I love both.

Hey, I'm a chips boy, and I'm a zucchini free tea.

You can be both.

You're two kids.

But yeah, two kids.

Two guys.

But I'd say that

I like that they're not on every menu and that they pop up every now and again.

And whenever they are, make sure you get them.

Yeah, but I will do.

And I'm happy I've changed that.

What's happening in your piece of shit restaurant right now

during the meal?

When the sides come henu is just

so yeah are you good on a henu do you like

fuck off i mean i won't i'll be i'll be working i don't know how you show people that one according the way you said it would yeah i think if you say fuck off before i think it that then

i'll be seriously ill um apart from like people i have to go to yeah and then what's your vibe if you have to go and you're there because you have to be what's your vibe on the henu what role are you are you fulfilling the miserable bitch

and i i i don't make me pin anything onto anything and don't blindfold me and just oh god do you not think oh i could just like maybe i'll just do like a character that is someone who loves hen doos and i'll just like that's nice maybe i'll get through the night by just acting like a typical someone on a hen and then that'll amuse myself you know quite a nice idea entertaining for yourself did you never think when you were on your last tour james to do the character of someone who enjoyed doing stand-up

Well, a bit too much laughter there.

No, I'm not a character.

Morgana's a master of

modern Josh, mate.

Yeah.

James was a mouse in the Cinderella film, Morgana, so I don't know if you knew you were inside.

Have you heard of John the Mouse?

A lot of Oscar buzz about it now.

Is he like Stuart Littlecunt, but different?

Well, I mean, I don't.

The reason I call him Stuart Littlecunt is because I had one in my house and he was really sweet.

We were in an Airbnb, we were filming in LA.

I sound like such a twat now, don't you?

No, no, no, no, no.

And we, oh, it's a beautiful Airbnb, oh, in the hills, you know, how everyone does it.

And little hummingbirds.

Oh, have you been?

That's the best thing about LA, the little hummingbirds.

Little hummingbirds.

That big.

And that big is, what, like, two, two inches.

Hummingbird size.

Imagine a hummingbird.

Yeah, yeah.

About tiny little bastards.

And they come from.

Oh, it's so sweet.

And then one day something ran over my phone.

I was like, oh, oh, my God, it was a sweet little mouse.

And oh, my God, he was so sweet.

And then after like a month of being there it was like stuart little can't he'd eaten half he'd eaten half the the rug and because it was the airbnb i'm like how am i the visit was like a sort of like tibetan rug someone had brought back you know and there was like corners missing and oh it was a disaster and he would be freaked me out and he was very very very noisy at night and all the mice in la

have been in films like stuit little is that right yeah yeah yeah or they're there because they they want to be a star right they want to be a star yeah yeah so they're eating the rug so then everyone thinks they're the next rat or two

yeah they're all auditioning

i wasn't like a stuit little i was a man who no i was a mouse who turned into a man and then back into a mouse again cinderella hadn't it oh well i did the witches so i've actually done a lot of um mouse i've talked to a you talked yeah like a fake mouse for quite a lot of my scenes which which ended up not being in the final movie okay um because it was obviously scintillating that's good i've been a mouse in a film you've acted with mice yeah

I've got nothing mice-based, I'm sorry.

Bad luck.

Yeah.

At the minute, Oscars have opened up, you know, just said like fan favourites, you know, people can vote for

the general public are allowed to vote for what they think the best films of the year were.

And what were they?

Cinder Villa's leading it at the minute.

Is it?

Yeah.

A lot of Camilla Cabello's fans.

Yeah, I was going to say

I voted for it without

menu listeners that are really pushing that, James.

No, but off-menu listeners need to be aware of it.

I think even if they did a vote for everyone's everyone's favourite mouse, you wouldn't win.

What, come on.

What?

Second bottom.

Yeah, okay.

Second bottom mouse.

You're my favourite mouse.

The second bottom mouse is sweet.

I love an underdog.

The middle, really.

Do you want to know who the other mice were?

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

James Corden.

Yeah.

He was James the Mouse.

Okay.

Romash Ranganathan.

Oh, crikey.

He was Romash the Mouse.

Oh, yeah.

And James Acaster was John the Mouse.

Because the part was originally supposed to be played by John Mulaney.

and then he couldn't do it and they couldn't even be built a stage

two days notice I had to get in I cannot express how my absolute dream scenario in the entire world is James winning an Oscar for his performance as John the Mouse at the live-action version of Cinderella are you kidding me people would love it I would love that are you gonna have any mouse-based jokes when you go up oh I won this by a whisker yeah that's so lovely that's a nice that's a real that's a real

managed to squeak by the the academy yeah yeah this is awesome lovely icebreakers Yeah,

absolutely.

Nothing.

Yeah.

Your dream drink, Morgana.

We've already heard you love wine on a plane.

I'll probably go champagne.

I'm going to go champagne because I'm on holiday.

Any particular type of champagne that you love?

Lauren Perrier, actually.

It's my favourite.

Do you want it brought in an ice bucket and sat next to you, or do you want them to top up your glass whenever you want to?

Get it next to me.

Yeah.

Because it'll be going down quick you're in control yeah i'm in control yeah yeah exactly

you're on holiday yeah you get your own bottle of champagne yeah how quickly can you drink that is it just me well it depends you know this is your meal

i think i've got some other prick with me yeah any any particular other prick or sorry a mystery human a mystery human a mystery human so you arrive at the meal and there's someone sat there with a box on the head with a with a question mark the brace

uh yeah i guess so and you're fine with that no i'm not no no maybe i don't want to say i don't know who i want Someone's sexy.

You're lifting up the box and it's someone sexy.

You're drinking champagne.

Yeah.

You get your own bottle.

I like this night.

This night's turning out good.

Yeah.

How quickly are you drinking that bottle?

Over the course of a meal or is it going down before the starters arrive?

I think it should, but you know, I think champagne should be drunk on an empty stomach.

Yes.

Just to get

the ultimate, yeah.

The ultimate high.

And then and then I'll move on to wine, I think, if that's okay.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, I reckon so.

Sure.

Red wine?

No, I'm going to go white.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Holiday innovative.

I come up in hives if I drink red wine.

Do you?

Yeah, I drank so much red wine at Christmas last year that I, my own body weight, in fact, and I had these welts.

And then every time I went, even like sniffed a bottle, I'd come out.

It was

on this plane,

you were covered in hives, screaming about someone cheating on you.

Two neck pillows.

You must have thought you'd been possessed.

Two neck pillows.

Two neck pillows on.

Covered in hives, screaming about a cheater.

You're describing my average weekend.

Champagne, and you're moving on to wine later on.

Have you even got to say champagne?

Champagne.

Yeah, I have champagne and

a bit of foca just to

be in.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I have some little bits and bobs.

Yeah, some little snacky bits and bobs and bits.

It's tied me over.

Yeah, yeah.

So just olives or other bits and bobs you have?

Olives, like maybe some like, some of those like posh nuts or something.

When's this arriving?

Is this the biggest?

Little caper berries.

Stick them in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When's this arriving though?

I'm confused now.

This comes in with the bread.

This comes in with the bread, right?

So we're going back to, this isn't it for in between your main course of time.

Yeah, this all comes, this is just all like foreplay, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so we're on back in time now.

Have we just?

Your dessert.

What your dessert now we're here.

Well, this is the thing.

This is where I sort of like, I'm going to go proper like British.

I'm like, can I have the British menu?

Great.

Yeah.

You're that person on holiday now.

This is all aspects of a holiday.

Absolutely astonishing.

So this this restaurant has a British menu.

I hate this place.

I hate it.

I would close it down in a huge drink.

Has it got photos next to all the menu items as well?

On the menu?

No!

But it

does have old pictures of all the other granddads that used to work there.

That's right, apart from that.

Black and whites, you know, from back in the day when it was established.

Yeah.

In the 80s.

Yeah.

You've got the British menu now.

They say something in Italian.

And then brings it.

And then bring it out.

What are you having off the British dessert menu?

A punky penguin?

Oh, yeah.

Punky penguin, yeah, that's a thing.

A punky penguin, yeah.

We used to sell them at the pub that I worked at, one of the little plastic penguins, and then you just take the head off and there's ice cream in there, like really bland vanilla ice cream for kids.

And they just eat that little punky penguin.

I was in a curry house recently in Stratford-upon-Avon with Nisha Katona and Tom Kerridge, who are my fellow judges on the Great British Menu.

And they had punky penguins on the menus for dessert.

And I thought I would order one and they were really ashamed of me for doing that.

That's funny.

And I was like, no, I'm not ashamed of this.

I'm going to order a punky penguin.

And then they didn't have any punky penguins so it wasn't it wasn't even worth it.

Oh no.

So I had to have a lemon with lemon sorbet in it instead.

Yeah, that's probably nothing.

Yeah, I was happy I would have wanted a punky penguin.

Palette Fenzer.

Well, that's in the future

whenever you guys are somewhere you can secretly go off and order a round of punky penguins for everyone and then come back and don't say anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a long game.

Then you've won.

But you don't want a punky penguin?

No, I don't want a punky penguin.

What do you want?

I want a

sticky toff pudding.

I'm so drunk.

I've drunk that whole champagne.

Absolutely.

Oh, Suzo pig.

So in character.

Oh, Suzo pig.

The big question with sticky toff is ice cream.

There you go.

Okay.

I like the hot and the cold.

Yeah.

No, f well, custard maybe and another date, but no, today I'll have um I'll have ice cream.

I do agree with you with the hot and the cold.

It's nice, isn't it?

Yeah.

It does something to you.

Yeah.

Although I like custard on a...

Don't get me wrong.

I mean custard is my friend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But just, you know, I'm going to try and keep it chic.

Lovely.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

Thank you.

And see how you feel about it.

You would like sparkling water.

Popums with bread.

You want pigeon for catcher.

And you would also like olives and posh nuts and caper berries brought out at this point.

Starter, tuna tartare.

And oh, look, a limoncello's just come along for you.

Oi oi.

Sink that.

Main Main course, spaghetti vanguolais.

Yes, please.

Another limoncello there for you.

Yeah.

Side of zucchini fruity.

This is a good dinner.

Well, there you go.

Another limoncello.

Yes, this is good.

Drink Laurent, Perrier, champagne, moving on to wine.

Dessert, sticky toffee pudding with ice cream and a limoncello.

Yes.

Absolutely lovely.

Apart from the setting.

Apart from the setting, which is ruin any meal.

Look, the dogs are really cute and there's some hot chicks.

There's like, you know, like loads of Italian girls and then, like, and it's really pretty.

Are you trying to win us over by saying there are hot chicks there?

Like, we're teenagers.

And we're going to go, oh, this sounds great, actually.

I love hot chicks.

Yeah, you think that won me over?

Didn't?

Well, I think the menu sounds lovely.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

But, like,

what are you?

Gosh,

momental pair of bars.

What more do you want?

I'm going to the beach.

I've got champagne.

Surrounded by stray dogs and a pervert in the seats winking at you.

Well, anywhere you go, that's going to happen.

You walk out in front of me.

There's three dogs and a winky old man.

But this is your dream restaurant.

You don't need to have everything that's everywhere all the time.

No, but it's just sort of, it's, you know, like, it's sort of backstory.

It's backstory.

Yeah, backstory.

Yeah, it's sort of, it's just adds to the vibe.

Yeah, I love it.

Morgana, thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant.

Thank you, Morgana.

Very welcome.

It was delicious.

Thank you.

Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, Plucking the Grapes of Good Humour Off the

Well, what's funny about that?

Oh,

we've already done it.

Sorry.

So you started doing the intro and got one on the bottom.

And then Benito looked, yeah, and so for this one, you actually had it ready to go and you were like, here we go, I'm ready.

And you didn't have to do it because it's the outro.

And Benito looked at me all scared.

And I just gave him a look and said, let him do it.

Yeah, yeah.

Let him carry on.

And then we're going to punk him on the outro.

Well, I know this is the outro now.

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

He got confused.

So next week.

Look forward to a grapes intro.

Yeah, the grapes one.

Yeah.

Or just like whatever when we record next, that can be people's way of knowing, oh, they must have recorded that episode.

I mean, not the Morgana one.

It might have even come up already.

That's true.

Sometimes they don't go out and they're like,

sometimes they go out and record the recording.

We did the grapes one, which comes out before the Morgana one.

And they can go, oh, okay, that's interesting.

It's going to be really good.

Yeah, that's going to be exciting for me.

the grapes weren't gonna be seedless

lovely menu from morgana there very nice disgusting menu disgusting setting yeah awful setting uh but a really fun chat and she didn't say tinged crab she didn't you really tried to you brought up that's rare that you will bring up one of the ingredients you said about eating crab and i just thought you know what i thought you know maybe bonus points if he hates the secret ingredient you know so i was trying to get her to say she hated it and then she said she might yeah but yeah she said basically went oh fuck it yeah i'll have it yeah i thought i can't chuck it out now, but it wasn't on a menu.

It was not on her menu.

It's fine.

It's fine.

How'd you feel about losing past the game?

Oh, bad.

I love the games.

I love guessing games mainly.

I like guessing games.

But I love a game where you have to go around and name a thing.

Yeah, I like those games normally as well.

But you got screwed over.

That's the worst thing that can happen in those games.

Yeah.

Where you don't have the other two people are like, bang, bang.

And then you've had no.

They've got them stored up.

They've got them stored up.

Because the more time you take, the more time we've got to store.

You're racking them up.

I like those ones with like, you know,

films, actors, stuff like that, going around.

Tom Pank's films.

Yeah, Tom Panks films.

But that's big.

All day.

I love playing that.

Ton of hooch.

But like,

not just because you mentioned it in the episode.

Yeah.

But

yeah, it's great.

Castaway.

Benito just said Forrest Gump, but he's not in the game, so I take Forrest Gump.

Oh, no.

Captain Phillips.

Oh,

Joe and the Volcano?

Joe versus the Volcano.

Yeah!

Oh, he's out.

Book a TV.

Make sure you watch Newark Newark on gold.

Yes, it's out now on gold.

I'm on tour, James, being wild and crazy on tour.

Electric.

Electric is the name of the show.

It's going up and down the UK, side to side, round and round, like James's piggy dick.

Loopa de loop.

Loupa de loop, like a piggy deal dick.

Come and see that.

Edgamble.co.uk.

James, you've got a bloody book coming out, haven't you?

people can pre-order it james a castle's guide to quitting social media being the best you can be and curing yourself of loneliness volume one wherever you get your books pre-order it now also i've got a vinyl available i keep forgetting to plug that go onted edgamblescore.com uh and you can get the vinyl which we're also selling at some date of the tour you can get a signed copy of it what what a great day that would be go and see ed and then buy the vinyl afterwards you've had yourself a gamble uh a fest fest gamble fest uh thank you very much for listening to the off menu podcast.

Uh, you've all been wonderful.

Goodbye.

Gobble, gobble.

Your night in just got legendary.

Legends.com is the only free-to-play social casino and sports book where you can spin the reels, drop parlays, chase the spread, and hit up live blackjack without leaving your couch.

Slots, sports, original games, Legends has it all.

Win real prizes and redeem instantly straight to your bank.

Legends is a free-to-play social because you know Void Prohibitive must be 80 plus pay response to visit legends.com for full details.

Get in the game now and score a 50% bonus on your first purchase only at legendswithaz.com.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.