Menus To Be Buried With - The Resurrection!

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the warm rice of conversation, the raw fish of anecdotes,

putting that on that sushi.

So, yeah.

But that's a good metaphor for what we're doing today.

It is.

Two ingredients, put them together, new dish.

Yes, because this is the Red Nose Day podcast mashup, James.

Yes.

A yes.

Acast are bringing you, exclusive, you, not you, the listener.

Oh.

You as well, if you want to listen to it.

Yes, please.

Exclusive bonus podcasts from your favorite podcasters to raise money and change live.

So we're doing it.

We're doing this mashup today with Brett Goldstein's Films to be buried with.

It's an honor.

It's our second menus to be buried with.

Yeah, we did it last time.

Really enjoyed it this is the resurrection there's loads of other podcasts doing it uh football ramble help i sex with my boss my dad wrote a porno the guilty feminist nobody panic cuddle club and even more than that wow i'm looking forward to seeing who's mashing up with who as well that's going to be interesting interesting is my dad wrote a porno gonna mash up with the guilty feminist i hope so the guilty i hope that is the porno i hope the guilty porno the guilty dad wrote a feminist porno yeah the guilty dad wrote a feminist porno yeah yeah that'd be great yeah i'd love that oh but

We've got to position that being made a permanent podcast.

Yes.

Not just a one-off.

Please, please, please.

But we're very, very happy to be speaking to Brett today doing menus to be buried with.

Yet again, we're following his format, really.

Yeah, which is, you know, not a good format.

And

so

it is, we're really putting our...

our livelihoods and our reputations in his hands here.

Our lives on the line.

Our lives on the line.

And, you know, just trusting him.

He's a good guy.

Yeah.

He's a true professional.

So I'm sure.

He's got an Emmy now, so I'm sure it'll be great.

He's got an Emmy.

Let's not forget that because we haven't had a friend with an Emmy before.

It's very exciting for us.

Yeah.

So I'm going to bring it up, I think, a few times.

Well, let's not forget, of course.

that we're here for a great cause and that you, the listener, have the power to do something incredible this Red Nose Day, whether it's a little or a lot.

This Red Nose Day, your donation will help people here in the UK and around the world live free from poverty, violence, discrimination and support them with their mental health.

This includes helping people right now in Ukraine and the mass displacement of people in many parts of the world.

Head to comicrelief.com forward slash podcast mashup to give what you can now.

Alternatively, you can text podcast to 70210 to give £10 today.

To donate £10, text the word podcast to 70210.

Text costs your donation amount plus your standard network message charge and 100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief, a registered charity.

You must be 16 or over and please ask the billpayers' permission.

For full terms and conditions, conditions, visit comicrelief.com forward slash podcast mashup.

But without further ado, shall we do it, James?

Very well, Red.

Thank you.

Let's do it.

Mush up.

Mush up.

Hello, and welcome to Menus to be buried with the resurrection.

It is I, Brett Goldstein, and I am joined back here in aid of comic relief by

actors,

stand-ups, writers, podcasters,

merch people,

fashion models and scholars.

Please welcome to the show.

It's only Ped Lambles and the genie.

Lovely.

It's always lovely to see the order that you lead with.

You led with actors this time, which was great and ended in scholars.

Lovely.

Thank you.

Both wonderful actors, but obviously I put them in order of importance.

Welcome back to the the show.

It's lovely to see you both.

How are you?

Let's start with Ed.

Very well.

Thank you, Brett.

I'm good.

It's lovely to see you.

We're doing this on Zoom, of course.

Myself and James in the same room.

You're not here, even though you're probably, what, 20-minute cab ride away?

I'd say less.

Yeah.

He's a big shot.

Yeah,

I can't be in the same room as people anymore.

Yeah.

It's sort of one of my things in my ride here.

It does make filming difficult, but you'll notice all of my stuff is now just close-ups.

Yeah, the next series of Ted Lasso is going to be an absolute nightmare, isn't it?

It suddenly cuts the year and you're just on a beach somewhere, even though it's a scene filmed in a dressing room, changing room.

I don't really understand football.

No.

The Genie, how are you?

Good, how are you?

Good, thanks.

Happy, happy comic relief.

This time of year, again, it's our favourite time of the year.

If you want to donate, I mean, you really should.

It's in Aid of Comic Relief.

This is one of the ACAS podcast mashups.

Mashups.

Now, last time you were on the podcast, The Genie, you had renounced stand-up for good.

You said, I'll never do stand-up and I've never been happier.

How are you now?

I think it's a year later.

Do you feel that way?

Yeah, way happier, but I have booked in some gigs.

I knew you.

I knew it.

I knew you'd crack.

Pathetic, pathetic announcement to make.

I'm never doing stand-up.

I knew you'd come crawling back.

Not as pathetic as winning an Emmy and then going and doing a half-full pub gig for no reason.

You didn't have to.

I'd say that's more pathetic.

Yeah.

That's worrying, I'd say, Brett.

I'd say

more pathetic.

I will never leave stand-up.

I will never leave shit stand-up gigs.

Thank you very much.

You're both pathetic.

Yeah.

But in different ways.

James said he'd never leave stand-up and he's come crawling back.

And you should have left stand-up.

Yeah.

You don't think you deserve a nice life, Brett?

You have to keep punishing yourself?

I feel like, yeah, and also because I think

you're in danger.

If you're doing like Hollywood acting jobs, you're in danger of being like treated like you know, oh, oh, sir, oh, after you, sir.

So sometimes you have to go and do a gig so that you can have a room full of 100 people calling you a camp just to

after you, sir, sounds so lovely.

You know how much I'd love a bit of after you, sir.

Oh, I don't deserve this, I won't, uh,

don't call, don't say sir to me.

Out God, out guard, please.

You know what Ted Lasso would say?

He would say,

you know what, there, uh, Roy, sometimes you're just gonna be kind to yourself.

That's what I always used to say and I miss my daddy

it's really good yeah wow I thought we just cut to a clip then that was amazing

that was quite good actually it was quite good yeah yeah I listen I said you were an actor James A.

Custer so well by the same rationale yeah if we were to invert it There you are actually looking after your mental health and your self-respect and your self-esteem.

You've done that for two years and then what?

You've suddenly decided you're too good good for happiness and you need to crawl back to stand-up and get punished again?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

Yeah.

You got bored of feeling good about yourself?

No, no, no.

So I was like, oh, I should probably start working again.

You know, probably can't continue to just do nothing.

So I should probably start working again.

What's this then?

Huh?

We've been doing this the whole time.

This is work.

I don't get paid for this.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

But Ito says, just you get paid.

But Ito always takes me one side.

He said, there's a reason it's called the talent, James.

And that's not you.

Yeah, it's Ed.

And Ed gets the money.

No, Ed's been very clear about making sure he gets paid for this charity podcast.

Have you done your first gig back yet?

No, not yet.

Got you tips, you hardened road warrior?

You got some tips for me?

Just remember, it's not about you.

Yes.

All right?

It's their night.

It's about the team.

And it's about hope and kindness.

Believe.

I believe.

Thanks.

They're not there for your opinions, for your thoughts.

They just want to hear some dick jokes.

Yeah.

All right, that's my advice.

They don't want your unique take on anything.

That's good advice.

Relevant in the room.

I've never stopped doing stand-up and I've really stuck to my guns.

Yeah.

How's your tour going, Led?

It's pretty good, man.

I'm only four dates in as we speak, and I've enjoyed all of them, which is, I mean, that's rare.

Normally, one in four I'm angry about.

So

you've got to think there's an absolute stinker on the way.

How often on a tour show is it like bad?

I mean, I'm not talking to James, obviously, all of his, but

when you're a comedian that isn't, you know, going to turn on the audience and destroy them for breathing weird.

You know, when you're a comedian who respects his audience, how often have you had like a bad tour show?

I think it doesn't tend to be bad ones.

It's just like you're used to a certain level of excitement or engagement and then it just might be a slightly quieter audience.

And you know what?

You don't do?

You don't mention it.

They've turned up, they're lovely people.

Just because they're not laughing as loudly as the last audience, they've paid their money, they're there for a night out, you're there to entertain them, and you've got to slap a smile on, you got to get through because you're a professional.

Yeah, I agree.

Really?

Okay.

Yeah.

I've got three million tweets here that seem to disagree.

No, I'm not saying that.

I'm not saying that I'll do it.

But he's right.

He's right.

That's what you should do.

Led Pamble,

you have been brought back to life.

You have been given a second chance.

But what point in your life will you come back to?

What would you change?

Any regrets, etc.

Same for you, the genie.

Now, Brett, I'm just slightly confused about the sort of backstory here now as well, because obviously we've both done Films to Be Buried With, where we die.

Then we've both separately done Films to Be Buried With The Resurrection, where we've been brought back to life.

And now we seem to both be dead again what happened well you died again when you did menus to be buried with yeah last cover relief so now you've currently been dead now you're brought back to life for more menus cool just checking just staying across it right okay

the format is flawless and it i don't see any any other questions that should be coming up about it okay cool

oh man the the series two backlash has already begun on menus to be buried with

should we say what meal would we be brought back to in our lives lives?

Just to sort of add the off-menu flavour to it?

Because it's sort of not a mash-up at the moment, is it?

You're sort of just doing your own.

Mash it up.

Mash it up.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

No, you're absolutely right.

No, we should have discussed this beforehand.

What meal will you come back to?

Any meals you regret?

Lead and also the genie?

Probably the first time I had fondue.

Oh.

Blew my mind, Brett.

Oh, you just want to re-experience it.

You don't want to change anything?

Just the first time I had fondue, I was in Switzerland.

It It was a fondue night.

It was cheese fondue to start, meat fondue for seconds, and then chocolate fondue for dessert.

And it's probably the best meal I've ever had in my life.

Wow, that does sound amazing.

I mean, as you know, I don't eat anything that you would consider pleasurable, but if I did, I mean, fondue is the gold standard of like if I were, if I ate, oh, I'd eat that.

You weren't just

eating pockets full of carrot shavings or whatever you do.

Yeah, like that.

What are you having these days, Brett?

What's your Hollywood diet?

Air and light and good vibes.

What about you?

What about you, the genie?

What meal would you be brought back to?

Probably the same one as Ed.

That sounds great.

Yeah, I'd like to just come back to a meal that I haven't had before, but someone else said was brilliant.

So I'd go back to that fondue meal and I'd join in with the fondue.

Who else was there that night, Ed?

My dad was there.

I was on holiday with my dad.

I'll get on with him.

My stepmum was there.

I think my half-brother wasn't born yet, but my half-sister was there.

Brilliant.

I'd fit right in.

Do you think they'd be pleased at the addition of James just showing up?

I think we'd all be confused, depending on how many memories I have from before when I was resurrected.

Am I sort of back in my own mind?

Or do I know everything that happened after?

Well, how old are you at this point in this story?

Probably 12, 13.

Yeah, you're still 12.

But James comes at the age he is now.

Oh, right.

I'd be absolutely baffled.

I'd be like,

who's this wonky man turning up?

Let's start with bedroom pambles.

Bedroom.

First.

First, oh yeah, you've been brought back to life to talk about meals and whatnot.

And people are dead excited to see you.

But they want to know more about your food tastes.

And they want to know about your life through food tastes.

Why do you tell a whole story around it?

Why don't you just do the questions?

It's mad.

I'm trying to give it some fucking atmosphere, mate.

I'm trying to give it like...

Oh, it's a magical world we're creating for comic relief.

But it kind of creates more questions than it answers.

It's like at the end of us, when it's just like, and it was the government put them under there's like, well, hold on a second, now I've got even more questions than before about these underground people.

Yes, and then you're still thinking about it forever.

Listen, this is for comic relief.

We want to be in their brains forever.

So they just keep, every time they think, hang on, I've got another question, they donate.

Oh, yeah.

Donate per question.

Is that how it works?

Yeah, every time, every time, that's a good rule.

Every time you listen to this podcast and you're thinking, hang on, I'm not sure that makes any sense.

Yeah.

Format-wise, I've got a couple of questions.

Donate.

Donate.

Can I just say to donate £10, text the word podcast to seven zero two one zero text costs your donation amount plus your standard network message charge and 100% of your donation will go to comic relief a registered charity you must be 16 or over and please ask the billpayers permission for full terms and conditions visit comicrelief.com forward slash podcast mashup and I do have to read that out every time we mention the donation so

oh you read that out I thought you were improvising bedroom pambles what was the last meal you ate the last meal i ate was breakfast this morning.

What was it?

Lava breakfast.

What was it?

Two fried eggs, two rashes of bacon, and two little pieces of gluten-free toast.

Made yourself?

Yes, made by myself, absolutely.

Made it in my house.

I regularly have bacon and eggs of a morning.

Fills me up, keeps me going, lots of protein.

What do you use as oil?

Depends what sort of mood I'm in.

You could host off menu.

This is great.

Scary, isn't it?

How easy it is.

What oil do you use?

I was like, oh, that's a good question.

Yes, that's really good.

I use sunflower oil on this occasion, but

if I'm feeling a bit sort of leaner, sometimes I'll use a spray to make sure I don't use much oil.

But today I thought, hey, we're making nice fried eggs.

We'll use a bit of sunflower oil.

My go-to is olive oil.

Is that wrong?

Yeah, it's wrong for frying things, I'd say.

Yeah, for me.

Because the heating point isn't as high, so it can't get as hot without the flavour changing.

So the sunflower oil and vegetable oils will burn hotter and get to that point faster.

But aren't vegetable oil very very bad for you?

I don't know why.

No more than any other oil I don't think.

But of course I use coconut oil.

Of course you do which is terrible for you.

Yes.

Yeah you and Tom Cruise rubbing coconut oil all over each other.

Which is very high in fat Brett.

I'm surprised to hear that.

I'm going to go for a wee.

You can keep talking though.

Well it's your turn.

Oh Vegina you've got to answer that.

It's your fake.

No I did a wee too badly.

At least we've done one of these already so people know what to expect.

Yeah people know this is the gist.

Do you want to answer for him?

You probably know what you have for breakfast.

When I came in, I think James was having some poke, wasn't he?

Yeah, the last meal James ate was a bowl of poke from around the corner.

I'm going to call it off-menu towers, but um, Benito would probably call it something different, like the offices of his production company that does other things other than off-menu.

But I'm going to call it off-menu towers.

Uh, and he bought some poke, he bought some poke, which you must know about because you um live in California a lot, right?

Love it, do you?

What's your favorite?

Salmon, tuna, soy sauce, seaweed, flakes of some sort,

corn, mango.

I don't normally have mine with...

Corn.

Chocolate sauce, whatever.

Just chuck it all in.

Chuck it all out.

It's not carbs.

Coconut oils, thank you.

Pedigree rambles.

Are we just moving on?

Are we going to keep going?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I don't want to be late for my pub gig.

Which food do you think should play you in the meal of your life?

Oh, hang on.

So in the meal of my life, what film should what hang on?

What food should play me?

What food should play you in the meal of your life?

Okay, but you know.

Okay, I answered your first one for you.

What was it?

Poke.

Yeah.

Pokey.

Barroom sandals.

What food do you think should play you in the meal of your life?

No, I know, you've asked that a few times now, and I just think the changing the second film to meal makes it way more confusing than it needs to be.

Just answer the question.

It's a very clear question.

I'll ask it one more time, but I don't know how it could be any clearer.

Which food do you think would play you in the meal of your life?

All right, yeah, chips.

Chips, right, thank you.

The genie.

They push him on what?

Alright, I think it's pretty clear.

He looks like a chip.

I look like a chip.

I look like a lovely French fry, don't I?

A salty French fry.

He's a little bit salty.

A little bit salty.

People love him.

Love him.

He's mainstream.

No one doesn't like a chip.

Broad appeal.

You can do things with the chip.

You can make it bigger.

You can make it smaller, like he has done.

You can do anything you like with a chip.

But no one doesn't like a chip.

What film should play you in the meal of your life, Tegini?

What food should play me in the meal of my life?

That's what I've answered.

A cheese string.

Excellent answer.

Thank you.

We're a chip and a cheese string, aren't we?

Yeah, I think they're cheese stringy.

It's absolutely right.

You look similar if you stood next to each other, but one of you can very easily be stripped apart and fall to pieces.

Yeah, I mean, he's got me.

He's got me.

He's got me there.

He's got me there.

I can't come back against that.

He's got me.

Now, a serious one for the...

I'm going to start with the genie here because I know you're all about love.

What's the most romantic meal you've ever had, the genie?

Josh Whitticomb and I used to go when we were...

Right, that's not how anyone expected that to start.

Well, when we were open spots, we both lived near Manor House, and there was a place there where we'd go and have food after trying to write comedy in the day.

And Josh would never get dessert.

I would sometimes order a dessert and once I ordered just a little bowl of ice cream and they brought two spoons over and it was very romantic the way they laid it down between us.

And I think every time I've ever done anything like that, like ordered something just for myself, but then they bring it over with two spoons because you're with one person, it instantly...

becomes quite a romantic setting and a romantic feeling.

And I think that's even meals I've gone to that are intentionally romantic never feel as romantic as that unexpected romance of the two spoons.

That's a really lovely answer.

You would have been livid about the two spoons, though, wouldn't you?

I can't imagine trying to share a dessert.

I would have been livid if I was with anyone who would take a, yeah, Josh wasn't ever going to try that.

Oh, he didn't have it.

No, I was like, I'm safe here.

It's fine.

If you're with me, we'd have to divide it straight away.

And that kills the romance.

So I can't, for instance, with my actual wife,

we can't do that because she has has taken up a new thing, which is you cut, I'll choose.

Wow.

You cut, I'll choose.

If we get a small plate of something and there's like, you know, and we want to share it, it's not like both get a fork or both get a spoon.

It's immediately the person who cuts it in half is not the person who gets to choose the half.

It's basically what they do in big families.

Here's a question for you.

You ever been to ping pong?

I love ping pong.

I'm all about it.

Yeah, I went there the other day.

However.

Two days ago.

Great.

I went to ping pong.

Love it.

After seeing Jackass the movie.

Oh, I went to see jackass forever and then i went to ping pong it's brilliant

the best one they've done yeah i mean that that couldn't sound more like you're in 2003 well

you went to see jackass the movie and then you went to ping pong i'm in 2022 and it was it was the best jackass they've ever done wow the new blood was great i love the new people they brought into it it was brilliant wonderful here's the question you go ping pong with two people you and your wife

and they bring out the dim sum and you lift up the thing and there's free There's always free.

Yeah.

What do you do?

Well, that's why we've

a thruple now.

We've brought someone new into our relationship because we want to go to ping pong more.

I'll tell you what.

You need to pick your battles.

Say there's a chasui bun situation.

There's three chasui buns.

I personally only really want one chasui bun.

I think they're a little bit too bready.

You don't get enough filling a lot of the time.

So I'm having one and I'm graciously saying, please have the other chasui bun because I know

yeah I know there's shumai coming up and I love those pork and prawn Shumai.

So I know then when there's three there,

her guilt will kick in and she'll say, well, why don't you have two of the Shumai?

Because I had two of the Charsui buns.

It's all, you know, it's all tactics you need to work out before you sign on the dotted line and get married, I'd say.

I'll tell you what I did.

Okay, this is how we got around it because my girlfriend and I went to see Jackass Forever and then we went to ping pong afterwards.

I'll tell you how we got around it, the three dumplings thing.

You bring Stuart Laws with you.

Oh, very nice.

Yeah, good shout.

He's available for that to anyone, right?

Yeah.

If you ever are going ping pong, just the two of you, bring Stuart Laws along with you.

Cedric Bambos, the most romantic meal you've ever had?

I think I mentioned one meal we had in Japan and the last time we

had this, but that was the most sort of romantic setup.

But actually, the most romantic meal on that whole trip, it was an amazing trip, was one we didn't expect to have where we just grabbed a really nice sandwich from a convenience store.

All the sandwiches are incredible in Japan, the katsu sandos, you can just get them from the 7-Elevens.

And then we were going over to an island to stay on this little island and it was pissing it down with rain and we got into this ferry and just ate this sandwich and like the rain was just beating down on the window and it was all steamed up and it was fantastic.

A Titanic.

Wow, Titanic exactly sexy Titanic.

I wiped my hand down the window.

I was like, ooh, like Titanic.

Katsu sauce all the way down the window.

Yeah, and then I turned around and she'd gone.

With Billy Zane.

And Stuart Lord walked in.

Sorry.

No, there's only two bits on this sandwich, Stu.

I'm so sorry.

You're going to have to fly home.

Got really mixed up.

Avocado.

one last question on the romantic meal for the genie I'm just sort of slightly weirded out by the story at first it sounded really romantic but then I realized that your romance is two spoons arrive which is a romantic idea but you're happy because the other person ain't touching that spoon so then you're just eating your dessert whilst the spoon sits you're just staring at the person who's not sharing with you whilst you eat all of it yeah that's i mean that's romantic i think is that yeah you realize that you know visits that work the best are when you're not both the same as each other isn't it?

Opposites attract.

So one of you liking dessert the other person not that's how you know you're in a real romantic setting is when you eat all the dessert to yourself.

Okay, that says an awful lot

Cedric Lambles what is the best meal you have ever had that you never want to have again and why?

I think there's certain meals that are so impressive and take you by surprise.

Surprise is such a big part of it, right?

That you wouldn't want to have it every day, or you wouldn't want to go back for it again.

So, me and James have both been to Noma in Copenhagen, which is incredible.

You don't know what you're going to get when you go in there.

They just bring out all these amazing little fine dining dishes, and it's always such a surprise when they describe to you ingredients you've never heard of.

I can imagine if you went back and it was exactly the same, it'd be a bit of a letdown.

And when I went, Brett, I ate a duck's brain out of a duck's skull.

Oh my god, Edward, and then they banned him from the restaurant,

And I liked it.

I enjoyed it and I enjoyed the experience of it and it made me feel big and tough, but I would not like that ever again anywhere else.

I'm never going to order a duck's brain.

Did you have to hold the beak while you scooped out the brain?

You could do.

I chose to do that, sure.

I'll use every bit of the animal.

It's a very disturbing photo that they sent me.

Gee, weird.

They sent me the photo of it and it does just look like a taxidermy duck on a plate and it was pretty mad.

What about you, the genie?

Best meal I've had that I'd never have again.

The Chick Witch sandwich from the Northampton College canteen.

I had them all the time

in my two years at Northampton College doing my B-tech and music practice.

And it was just, you know, two pieces of bread, some not very good lettuce, mayonnaise, and a chick witch.

Or I guess the actual thing in the middle isn't a chick witch.

The whole thing as a whole is a chick witch.

But, you know, we're talking this very standard

fried deep, you know, deep fried chicken.

I think all witches are chicks, aren't they?

Yeah, all witches are chicks.

Very good.

Very good stuff.

I think it's a warlock if it's a lad.

Yeah.

Yeah, used to love it.

Never, ever want to eat it again, ever.

Easily never want to eat that again.

But I used to be really excited about it going into college and thinking about my chick witch.

I can't wait to have the chick witch.

It was a period of my life where, what is it, late teens?

Suddenly I'm a bit more in charge of what I eat every day.

Had to eat healthy growing up because my mum was into healthy food.

Good on her.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

But I was always like, oh, I dream of unhealthy food.

And then I had this window where I was just like, let myself off the leash and eat chick witches all the time.

And now I'm like, I never want to eat that again.

It's disgusting.

That's wonderful.

If you're listening at home and you want a chick witch, donate to comic relief at...

Oh, right.

Hang on.

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This next question is, you know, absolutely the format is flawless.

What's the best action meal you've ever had?

It's amazing stuff, ain't it?

The genie.

Well, mine, Ed, was at this meal.

Yeah.

Slippy Jennies.

What are you?

I don't remember.

Slippy Jenny's.

Yeah, remember Slippy Jenny's?

Tell us about Slippy Jenny's.

I think it was called Slippy Jenny's.

I think that's what it was called.

Oh, yeah, no, I do remember Slippy Jenny.

So it wasn't the official name wasn't Slippy Jenny.

The official name was just Jenny's or Zoe's or something.

I can't remember.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was in New York.

And it was empty.

And we went in for some lunch, a little cafe.

And there's a lady on her own working.

And there's four of us, no one else in the restaurant, but she clearly was like, oh, oh, man, I've really got to get them their food pronto, even though we weren't in a rush.

And she went to get us our orders.

And we heard her running back into the main restaurant.

Really, no reason to do it from the kitchen down this corridor, but legging it.

And then we heard her lose control during the run.

And then she just staggered into the restaurant, holding a tray that was outstretched, trying to balance it while clearly losing her balance, and then just fell behind the counter,

really over the top.

She probably falled over.

That was great.

Just slipped all over the place, but there was nothing to slip over.

And then she just got back up again and then served us our food.

And every time we walked past it, we just called it slippy jetties because we remember when the lady fell over.

You know, when you can tell someone's really hurt themselves because they get up too quickly afterwards.

There was no moment.

She was literally like down and up straight away.

And you're like, oh, God,

it was so awful.

But I mean, it's great.

It was action.

That's the most action-packed meal I've ever had.

That's a very good answer.

Is that the same for you, Sed?

I had a turkey leg at Universal Studios and then went straight on the Jurassic Park ride.

oh wow love it like a caveman like a caveman the turkey leg yep at those parks in Florida yep are so good legit good wow when I went there Ed told me yeah you've got to get it you got to get the turkey leg and I got it and I was like he was not lying this is the greatest were you eating the turkey leg whilst on the ride like going amongst dinosaurs In my mind I was, but I'm not sure they let you on the ride with a turkey leg.

I think I had to finish it off fully.

Maybe I was in the queue and then straight on.

Right.

And it said if you are this height, you're not allowed to ride and if you've got a turkey leg, you can't come either.

Yeah, I was too short to ride it and then I just had to hold it, but I held the turkey leg above my head and that's what squeaked me on.

Would you be allowed to eat a deep-fried turkey leg, Bradley?

Yeah, that sounds great.

I'd have a turkey leg.

But are you allowed to?

By apple, no.

You can only eat apples?

Yeah.

Yeah, I can only eat apples.

It's contractual.

But they're very nice.

There's lots of different apples.

People are like, oh, apples, but you know, there's Cox and there's Granny Smith.

And there's the two apples.

And you get to have both.

You can mix them up.

Can you say that in the voice of Roy Kent?

List all the apples in the voice of Roy Kent.

Cox.

Pink Lady.

Jazz.

Royal Gala.

Royal Gala.

Golden Delicious.

Red Apples.

Grayburn.

Golden Delicious.

Greyburn.

Grayburn.

Grayburn.

I mean, that's a, look, I know you've written the next series already, but, you know, it's a nice little new character trait for Roy that he loves apples and knows all the varieties.

It's not bad, actually.

Yeah.

Of all the meals in the world, if you had to, which meal do you think you could have made and why?

The genie.

Well, weirdly, I have chose...

a meal from a film actually that I look at and think I could make that and it would be delicious.

Go on.

It's the ice cream sundae from home alone 2 that he has in the in the hotel lovely lovely answer I could make it and it would taste amazing obviously a lot of like ice cream sundae dishes banana splits and stuff I'm pretty sure can if I don't know if there even is maybe he's got bananas in that ice cream sundae I can't remember now although the way he eats it isn't as nice as I remember as a kid I remember seeing him eating it thinking that looks delicious now as an adult I really don't like the way he's eating it he kind of is like can you show me visually Well, he's lifting a spoon up.

He's got a massive bit of like, you know, semi-melted ice cream that looks incredible.

And then he kind of, he doesn't do what most kids would do his age.

What I would want to do now as an adult, which is just put it in your mouth and just get as much as possible and eat it.

He kind of like just runs his lips along it in a rather like because he's trying not to eat that much because he's acting.

And even though he's a kid, he's Macaulay Colkin, so he's thinking like a proper actor.

He's not thinking like a little kid who's getting to eat a load of ice cream.

He's contractually not allowed to get bigger during the filming of Home Alone 2.

So, yeah.

Yeah, so it's like just a bit too...

Yeah, the ice cream that's left on the spoon is just quite spit infused.

What would you do, Brad, if you were in a film where you had to eat a big ice cream Sunday and you wanted to do good acting, like you were properly eating it?

I'd have a word with the writers and go, can we change this that he's just finished?

Yeah.

Or he's eating a carrot.

Yeah.

He's just finished and I'd be like, oh, what a lovely ice cream that was.

All around your mouth.

Yeah.

Just worried that it's going to drip in.

Afterwards, scrubbing your face.

I don't want to get it in through my paws.

Oh!

What's your answer, Ledric Bambles?

Anything really gross and unhealthy, I'm like, I could put that together.

I think I've got the brain to come up with some deviously unhealthy stuff.

You know, like on man versus food and stuff, where you see like a burger where the bun is two grilled cheese sandwiches.

Yeah.

I'm like, I'd say I'm always an hour away from doing that in my life.

I'm like, I'm just going to go and get the ingredients and I'm going to make two grilled cheese sandwiches.

I'm going to get the barbecue going.

I'm going to make a burger.

We're going to have a bacon and double bacon cheese burger and instead of the bun, it's going to be grilled cheese sandwiches and there's going to be deep-fried pickles on it.

Can I speak on behalf of the listeners and say, can you please do that for comic relief and film it and put it online?

It's got pretty far.

I can, but I've got previously saying I'll film things and they're not doing it.

Have you filmed things and not done it for charity though?

No, that's true, actually.

For charity.

If Ed does that, please donate to

the Relief Act.

Oh, no, we're not doing that again.

What?

And

here's the deal.

I'll do it for charity, but you've got to eat a bite of it, Brett.

Yeah, one bite.

One bite.

Yeah.

Okay.

I don't think it should be one bite because he agreed to it too quickly.

It should be.

Right.

You should have to eat the whole thing.

No way.

Can you share it?

We can share it.

I'll cut, you choose.

Half and half.

He cut, yeah.

No, I'll cut, I choose.

No, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's why it was.

This is this good system.

Okay, uh, I get to bring Stuart Laws.

What is the

food you have pretended to like to impress people?

Cedible bamboos.

The thing is with me is I do try and like everything, but

there's got to be something I've not enjoyed and I've just sort of nodded along.

It's more with drinks and stuff, you know.

It'd more be like a wine or something where everyone's saying it's really nice and I'm like, yeah, that's delicious.

But I think I'm so thick, I can convince my own brain into thinking it's nice.

I think if I really tell myself I'm enjoying something, I can completely trick my own senses.

That's a lovely gift.

Big old thicko.

Sounds like you're very psychologically healthy.

No courage of conviction whatsoever.

Oh yes, got no opinions you could really call your own, but a lovely way to live.

Yeah, not bad.

Just drifting through life, trying not to read books.

What food have you pretended to like to impress people, Deginie?

Well, wine is a very good shout.

Most wines I don't really like.

We had all that wine.

We went to a really good one.

Yeah, that was delicious.

I liked that.

I watched that lunch once, Brett.

And what was good about that, actually, about that lunch, is it did make me go, oh, I do like wine.

And this is really delicious.

And maybe I don't need to pretend that I like other wines that, you know, when people give me going, oh, this is a really great wine, James.

They tell me it's great.

And then I have a mouthful and think, it just tastes tastes like all every other glass of wine i've had but i've got to go oh yeah

yeah that's good actually whereas this one i thought that lunch that you know that those guys invited us to and i was like they own this big wine shop and like they're proper into wines these guys and i'm really gonna have to black it but they're gonna be able to see through me and oh this is gonna be a nightmare and i was so relieved when we had each glass of wine was the best glass of wine I'd ever had and it really did taste great and I wasn't having to pretend.

A massive relief because I thought that was going to be a huge day of pretending and just going for the experience of like this this nice meal but um yeah that was that was good and I'd say like similar stuff like in terms of lying to impress people maybe is like if I am at a really fancy restaurant it's not that I don't like a dish but like if it's just not as special you know often in if you get like a tasting menu I find like the starters and the desserts are amazing, but the middle ones are kind of like just taste pretty normal because they're kind of doing you a bit of bit of chicken,

they try and make it a bit heartier, and it tastes quite normal.

And I have to really like sell it the same way I've been selling all the other dishes up until that point where they've blown my mind, and I've been like, I can't believe how good this is.

And then I'm having to go, whoa, yeah, this too.

Yeah, keep them coming.

But actually, I'm thinking, this is, actually, I can't really tell the difference between this and a normal bit of chicken I've had at home.

That's when I really think, yeah, I'm faking it to impress people.

Yeah, I mean, obviously, I don't have a fucking clue about wine and I've never understood it.

It seems like a massive con honey crisp fujie.

Googled those.

He googled those.

Good to see you.

I saw you googled him though.

Yeah.

When we were answering the questions, you just drifted into the business.

Well, what's he doing on his computer?

He's Googled types of apples.

Yeah, that's definitely being in series four, isn't it?

In my brain.

Googled in my brain.

Okay, let's start with you, Cedric Pambles.

What is the food you've never eaten that you think it's mad?

You've never eaten it?

I've got it.

One of my own wedding cakes.

That's mad.

That is mad.

That's mad.

The genie.

What is the thing?

No, no, whoa, what?

Whoa, I want to delve into that more because I was at the wedding.

I introduced the cakes and I know you're not.

I'm not going to let you delve into it.

Otherwise,

his joke doesn't work that he loves doing, that no one ever enjoys.

Look at his little face.

Oh, he doesn't talk about your wedding.

He doesn't care about your wedding.

No, the joke is he says, what's mad that you've never done it?

And then you say it, expecting more questions.

He goes, that's mad, and then moves on.

Oh, that's his joke on the podcast

fucking hell

we can do it look genie in all seriousness i will i will answer follow-up questions what's the food you've never eaten that you think it's mad you've never eaten cinnabon that is that is mad all right so uh

just expect me to you would expect me to have eaten it wouldn't you yeah fuck you i would have no okay let's go back let's do it you're right A, it's interesting you've never had a cinnabon.

I've had Cinnabon.

It's fucking incredible.

If I were not me, I'd eat it every day.

I can't believe you've not had that.

That's the best food I've ever had.

Yeah, but that's why I haven't had it.

Because I know I haven't got the self-control that you've got when it comes to desserts.

I know if I discover I like Cinnabon, which I know I definitely, categorically will love it and it'll be my favorite food, that I will get it every single time and I won't be able to walk past the Cinnabon without getting one.

So therefore, I have never had it because I don't want to discover how much I like it.

I lived opposite a donut time for three years and I never went in donut time.

I never got a donut from there because I didn't want to discover how they looked amazing in the window.

I was like, if I have one, I'm having one every single day because I live so close to it.

So I waited until the week when I was moving and I think I had about three in a week

because I was like, I had it.

I was like, yep, these are incredible.

I wanted to try a bunch of stuff.

We used to live around the corner from Flavor Town Bakery.

Yeah, to do incredible cupcakes and incredible cakes.

And we only realized we live around the corner from there in the last month before we left.

And thank God, that's when we realized every week we're in there just like i got that one i want to try that one these are peanut butter pie it's the best thing i've ever tasted oh wow peanut butter pie which one of your cakes so ed had a peanut butter and salty

salted caramel and peanut yeah cake on the there was the top tier uh one with orange carrot yeah carrot cake with like an orange kind of curd or something going on there was a chocolate there's a lemon curd one with like uh yeah sponge and cream on the top there was a chocolate one wasn't it yeah i think so yeah so what one didn't you have the carrot why Why not?

And I love carrot because I just didn't get any cake.

And then they brought some up at the end of the night and had a tiny bit of the salted peanut one.

And I was like, that's the best thing I've ever tasted.

And that's all I got.

And it had all gone.

And now we've got three massive wedges of lemon cake in the freezer.

Still?

Yeah, it's all gone stale now.

When I introduced the cakes,

which is like, you know, a very,

that's a great honour.

Yeah.

The traditional cake announcing role.

Yes.

Who's it going to go to?

So honoured that it was James.

Yes.

I was furious you didn't pick me for that.

If you want to get a role at a wedding, you've got your own on a specific role.

It helps if you invent that role and suggest it to the couple.

And then you'll definitely get it.

Yeah.

And everyone came up to me afterwards and went, I want that, because then people thought, so people weren't coming up to me, obviously, and going, great job.

What they wanted, they thought I was the guy who was like the cake guy.

And I could get them in with the cake.

And they were like, please.

I want that peanut butter brittle one that's on the top.

And because they'd all seen that that's the smallest one.

Yeah.

Because it was the top.

And I was like, I can't help you guys i don't know how to i want that myself and i'm worried i'm not going to get it which i didn't i mean i i think five people will be able to have that one yeah they well they took some away and then i managed to get a little you didn't even i've seen weddings there's always a bit where i i'm there we go the bride and groom stuff a cake in each other no again you're living in hollywood aren't you mate that's in the films that's in the films that doesn't happen in real life right maybe maybe you're thinking about maybe you'd know what happened at weddings right and you wouldn't just be relying on hollywood weddings if you actually came to my wedding and didn't fly off to hollywood yes maybe you wouldn't be walking around going i know what weddings are they're big fat and greek aren't they

listen one of the great regrets of my life is not being at your wedding i know i know and i know you mean that and i felt sad when i brought that up that you weren't at the wedding because i know you were genuinely upset so i apologize brett i was really upset thank you i hope there weren't any wedding crashes at your wedding

you gotta watch out for wedding crashes

oh no

Oh my god, I'm assuming J-Lo planned it for you.

What about the bit when they said, Does anyone here have any objections?

I'd imagine someone was there at the back, weren't they?

Shouting.

What about when the vicar is acting weird and it turns out it's Ted Danson with loads of prosthetics on?

Three men and a lady.

Three men and a little lady.

Wonderful film.

Wonderful film.

Wonderful portrayal of the UK.

Genie.

Yeah.

What's a food you love that you don't expect anyone else to like?

Okay, so special salmon skin rolls I love and I don't expect everyone to love sushi or salmon skin, you know, deep-fried fish skin.

So that's that's up there.

But also the amount that I love, I mean broccoli gets a bad rap.

gets like you know bad rep bad rep

rep you know from when you're a little kid everyone's like, fuck broccoli.

The amount that I eat it now, though, I have it all the time in a load of different ways.

I really love it.

I love all the different types of broccoli.

And I'm surprised at how much I love broccoli now, but then I wouldn't expect anyone else to be as enthusiastic about it.

Can you name all the different types of broccoli in a Roy Ken point?

Tenderstem.

Oh, I'll try to get into the Roy Ken thing.

Keely, Keeley,

Keeley, Keeley, come here.

Keeley.

I don't want to be a pundit.

I told you before.

I don't want to do it.

Yeah.

I don't want to do it, Keely.

Don't.

Hey.

Hey, listen to me.

Listen to me, Keely.

We're less pirate.

Less pirate.

Keely, listen to me.

I'm proud of you.

And you don't have to be ashamed of me.

You don't have to worry about me, Keely.

Just names of broccoli.

Tenderstem.

That's also James' impression of Brian Cox and succession.

I don't know what's going on there.

Fuck off.

Fuck off.

Fuck off.

Purple sprouting.

Fuck off, Keely.

I love what I can.

Cedric Balambos.

Yes.

What's the food you love that you don't expect anyone else to like?

I like anything really salty, but I'll just have it by itself.

So people love capers, people love anchovies amongst things.

Well, yeah, I suppose

they divide people anyway.

Do you not like capers, bro?

People who like capers, they'll put them on a few on or whatever.

I'll have a spoonful of capers and I'll down the vinegar afterwards.

Wow.

Love it.

Question for the group.

Just realized this.

If I'm really living my truth, what is a caper?

I mean, it's a good question.

I've never listened to a podcast before.

I think you said you thought it was a berry.

I thought it was a berry.

It's a caper berry.

I thought it was a fish.

No, it's not a fish.

That's an anchovy.

It's because you put them together, I'm always like, always just cut the little disgusting fishes.

You thought they'd like little brothers or something?

Yeah, have you caught some capers?

It's they're edible flower buds, the capers.

You're very natural sometimes, you are, Genie.

Very natural.

Yeah, thank you.

Jeers.

Oh, fuck.

Just kick the table.

Shit.

Spill all the water.

All right, this one's for the two most romantic boys I know.

Let's start with you, Cred.

What is the meal you would cook your lover as a test to see if you should be together?

As in, you cook the meal, if she don't like it, ah, she's not the one for you.

Well, we went through this when we did this with films, Brett.

I don't think that's a healthy way to start a relationship.

I don't think I need sort of tests, really.

Maybe, actually, maybe something really spicy.

Maybe

Maybe put a big raw chili with seeds in the middle of a slice of cake or something.

And then if she doesn't think that's a laugh, then she's not with the right guy because I'm a prankster and I'm a legend.

That's actually a good answer, though.

It is a good answer, Ed.

Not to like,

because you've got to respect the prank, but like when you make something that's too spicy and the person kind of just goes, eats it anyway, then you go, ah, no, I knew that was too spicy.

And they could have just told me, no way I'm doing that.

But they've given it the old college try.

They've eaten it anyway.

That feels good.

That I don't w I'm with a good person.

Never used that phrase before.

Oh, so your test is: I'm with a person who won't ever express how they really feel.

Yes, yeah.

I want them to keep that to themselves.

If they're ever upset with anything I do, they've just got to really just keep it under their hat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Will you marry me?

Yeah, that's a good test.

You know, I want them to

put on a happy exterior on the outside, but inside, they're really hurting.

Yeah.

Oh,

yeah, it's all that you get.

Will

be it.

heaven knows I tried

Do you want a part in season three?

Yeah, yeah, I could do it.

I just want to get in the writer's room, man.

Just, I've got all these ideas.

You hear them popping off at me?

I do.

Oh, you want to write on it?

I'm talking about your acting as an actor.

What episode can James sing the theme check?

Don't mention it.

Just let me come to you like that.

Or just let me do the heaven knows I've tried.

I mean, normal, the Marcus Mumford stuff.

And then at the end, I'd just go, heaven knows I tried.

And let's have that.

What is the meal that made you the most uncomfortable?

The genie.

It's when I was younger and my family were at a meal at somebody else's house and they don't normally cook.

And they were like, I've just tried it, just tried a recipe.

I just thought I'd try it.

I don't normally cook.

And it was...

My memory of it is that it was mainly like kale and cabbage and like a load of green vegetables that actually don't go that well together with loads of orange peel in it like they just the orange peel and it tasted like a compost bin you know someone's like just put all their scraps of food from their potato peelings and stuff into one bin and it's like it was really bad but to be polite said it was nice and then they were like great There's loads more.

Do you want some more?

And then nowadays, as an adult, I'd probably get around and and go i'm full but it was great thank you and then i was like whoa you know teenager well i've said i like it so i was like yeah sure and then the second serving of that was i was physically uncomfortable and also just like socially really didn't and was thinking in my head now is this going to be a thing where every time we come they're going to be like major favorite the compost bin again yeah it's very uncomfortable it was very i can still taste it when i think of it now it was not nice that made you fart as well right yeah i imagine i farted but that was probably a blessed relief later on.

Probably enjoyed that.

Send me members.

I was on holiday in, it was in Brazil with my family, and we went to this tiny little restaurant.

There was basically a lady's house on the side of a mountain.

She cooked this beautiful Brazilian food.

And it's like a buffet.

There were a few people there.

And part of it was there was this like spicy vinegar oil stuff that was basically like a bottle, like an empty water bottle, and she put loads of vinegar in it and then loads of little really spicy chilies.

And then screwed the top on and just let it sit there right and then pierced a hole in the top of the bottle and then that's like the shaker to get it just a little bit of this hot vinegar to get on there

and i got myself second helpings it was so good a big pile as a big fat boy then really really enjoyed just having huge piles of food and i sat down with it and it had been noticed that i'd got second helpings and they were like oh he's getting second helpings you must really like it but i'd taken a lot of food I'd taken a lot of food and there were other people then I'd probably taken too much food and then I went to put this vinegar spicy vinegar on and the top completely came off.

And I'd say maybe half a liter of that vinegar with the chilies went on all over my food.

So at this point, my dad's laughing, my brother's really laughing.

And I'm like, well, that's awful.

I can't.

I can't eat this now.

It's like, it's inedible.

And my dad was like, well, no, you've got to eat it.

You've literally taken all this food away from these people.

Like, they've spent ages preparing this food.

So I just had to eat it.

Oh, my God.

I had to eat it.

And I ended up crying.

I was squatting on the floor.

drank, I drank like two massive bottles of lager, just like slamming lager, just to try and get through this thing.

And I was just like, gone bright red, crying and sweating just to be polite.

I was trying to be polite, but being so impolite at the same time because I was like squatting on the floor, eating it, and farting, and shouting.

Talk being tortured.

I'm going like, this is awful.

What a horrible story.

We're now coming towards the final question.

This one, I'd say, at the best of times, this question's a tricky one on the normal podcast, but here we are.

The genie.

If you could feed a child only one food, what food would it be?

For the rest of their lives?

Okay, here's what's happened.

Good friend of yours, let's say Ed, in your case, the genie, right?

Ed, Ed's had a baby.

Congratulations, Ed.

Thank you.

He said, he's made you cake and and answer for the christening.

Great.

And he's not made you godfather, but he said, you're like a godfather, even though I'm going to actually assign someone much more appropriate as the godfather.

But you're like a godfather.

But I'm leaving the baby with you, the kid.

It's growing so quick, it's toddler now.

Eat solids.

And I want you in this day to

infuse the child with the most

love and make the child know this is what food is.

This is what's important in life.

So you make one meal for the kid.

What is it?

Right.

I mean, again, again, the more you explained, the less the question made sense.

Yeah.

I mean, donate now at 52.

No, no, no, no, don't just make the numbers up.

Okay, just before, I'll read it one more time before we go into it.

To donate £10, text the word podcast to 70210.

Text costs your donation amount plus your standard network message charge, and 100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief, a registered charity.

You must be 16 or over, and please ask the billpayers' permission.

For full terms and conditions, visit comicrelief.com forward slash podcast mashup.

Shepherd's Pie.

Okay.

Why?

Just think it's a very homely

meal.

I think it really just feels like

that's what you have at home, right?

And make you feel like you're home.

Boring.

It's a nice image, you and Ed's toddler and the Shepherd's Pie.

Yeah.

Quite a heavy meal for a little kid.

Boring.

My kid's not having Shepherd's Pie.

Yeah, you're dead.

You don't have a say in this.

My kids, I'm putting it in my will.

My kid's not allowed Shepherd's Pie.

Too boring.

Okay.

Well, I guess if it was Ed's kid, I've given them the Picker's Basket or something that Ed liked as a little boy.

He'd like the Picker's Basket.

I like the Picker's Basket.

Sharer's Starter Platter, I used to have it as my main course.

Yeah.

Oh, lovely.

So I guess if it was Ed's kid, and it's in this thing upon the godfather and he's dead or whatever,

I'd give the kid the Picker's Basket.

Okay.

But if it's just a generic kid, I'll give him a Shepherd's Pie because I think it feels like home.

What if it's my kid, but I say, I don't like Shepherd's Pie?

I'm just, I'll leave you with the kid.

I go, by the way, I don't like Shepherd's Pie, and I'm not sure.

Well, your kid's probably just got to make his way through the year's worth of beef jerky that's in the garage or something yeah surely

just

drowning in protein powder

yeah not scarface

bedric bed bed bedrical crambles yes in your scenario you were on a tube and a there was a parent with a kid the parent got off the tube the kid didn't get off the tube the doors closed yeah and suddenly you're with the kid you're like oh shit it's just you and this kid on the tube carriage you pull in the next stage and you're like, hey, kid, maybe

your parents going to come on the next track.

You wait, no parent comes.

You get on the other line, you go back to the station, parents not there.

You make an

announcement, it's a nightmare, can't get rid of this kid.

And the kid is cute.

The kid is like a Hollywood kid, really cute kid.

And he's like,

what's your name, mister?

And you're like,

it's Led.

And he goes, hey, Led,

I don't know where my papa is.

And you're like, oh, oh, shit.

And then.

Yeah, it was his mum before, yeah.

You eventually take this kid home.

You're like, I guess this is my kid now.

And the kid is a little bit scared, but he trusts you.

And the kid, you go and make a meal for that kid tonight.

You want that kid to feel safer and make that kid feel loved.

And you want to make that kid know there's a future for him.

What meal are you making that kid before the parent comes to collect?

So I've not called the

police at all.

No, no, no.

Why would you?

You better hold on to this writing job with both hands and never let go, young man.

Never let it go.

No, because you've taken it as a sign from God.

You've gone, I guess I'm meant to raise this kid.

You're mistaken.

We talk about it later in the talk.

Okay, so I am raising this kid.

He's kidnapped the kid.

I've kidnapped the kid.

You've accidentally kidnapped a kid, believing that you're on a mission from God.

Is the kid young enough that they would eventually forget that they were kidnapped?

I could invent a whole backstory for the kid.

That's your hope, yeah.

That's your hope.

So I don't want my kids to be fussy about food, so you've got to go adventurous early.

But yes, I'd like it to be homely and warming and still delicious.

But you don't want any faff later on of, oh, I won't eat that.

I don't like that.

It's got bones in it.

I don't like that.

It's got...

So, spaghetti al bongolae.

Lovely.

For the listeners at home, what's bongola?

Clams.

They're still in the shells.

So they're going to have to pick the clams out of the shells.

They're going to get used to having all that around there.

there, you know, and it'll just make them less fussy in terms of eating.

But, and who doesn't like spaghetti?

And also, I can join in.

That's lovely.

And when the parent knocks on the door three hours later,

oh, thank God, where's my child?

And you go, I just put him to bed.

You go, I just he didn't have the sign on him, but he's allergic to seafood.

Is he okay?

Yeah, I say, Well, go and have a look.

He's, I've put him to bed, I told you.

Where's his papa?

Yeah,

it's his papa, he was missing his papa.

I don't know if he was his papa earlier.

Good stuff.

Well, I think what we've done for charity today cannot be underestimated.

The bravery that the two of you have shown in helping people in need is, again, not to be underestimated.

Thank you.

And I really appreciate it.

Okay, here's the thing.

Sure, I brought you back to life.

And I'm glad I did.

And you know what?

You've been wise enough and good enough that I'm going to let you live.

However,

however, just in case something were to happen and I changed my mind, what one meal would you leave in a will in case you died again?

Lead pambles.

I'll ask the question that everyone always asks, does it have to be from the foods that we've talked about today?

No, it can be a brand new one.

I'm leaving my lasagna.

Describe the lasagna, please.

It's like any lasagna you would have had before, but I pack it with more flavour.

The ragu is slow cooked.

I put more cheese in between each layer.

Mozzarella parmesan.

I put cheddar in the bechamel, even though you're not supposed to.

It just, you take it out, it stretches, it's melty, and then you leave it for two seconds and it becomes rock hard with cheese.

It's a beautiful thing.

I've never had this before.

Never had Enslasagna.

You must come over.

Yes, please.

You must leave it to James in your wheel.

Yes.

The genie, what would you like, what meal would you like to leave in your wheel?

Torizo broccoli pasta.

Chorizzo broccoli pasta.

Yeah.

Talked about it on the last one.

Like Last Men Used to be buried with.

My

favorite recipe.

I'll make it at least once a week.

We've got me and my girlfriend have gone through stages of eating it way too much.

It always sounds good whenever one of us says, do you want chorizo broccoli pasta tonight?

The other one's like, oh, that sounds amazing.

Last time I said that, my girlfriend said, yeah, do you want chorizo broccoli pasta tonight?

I went, that sounds amazing.

And she went, oh, it does, doesn't it?

It's pathetic how it still sounds amazing to us.

We were with them the other day and we asked James and his girlfriend about it and they both glazed over in a way that suggests that we eat that so much but they were both thinking about it and they both wanted it.

Yeah, it's just delicious.

I was thinking, Ed's doing a show with Tom Kerridge and I thought the other day,

I bet I could make Chorizzo broccoli pasta for Tom Kerridge and he would think it was brilliant.

He would.

I thought I bet he would think it's brilliant even though it's a very simple dish, very straightforward.

He could do it in his sleep.

I bet it would still blow his mind if I made him chorizo broccoli pasta.

He'd be like, this is amazing.

Okay, for comic relief, Ed and I are going to make a cheese-tasty double

burger bun thing that I'm going to have one bite of.

No, you'd have one.

You are going to cook chorizo broccoli pasta for Tom Kerridge.

Look, Kerridge, if you're listening, if you're up for it, let's do it.

I will happily make a Chorizo broccoli pasta for Tom Kerridge.

He'd go, oh, that's lovely, that's lush.

Yeah, would he?

Yeah.

Well, you two, is there anything you would like to say before you head off into your life?

It's been nice to see you.

Nice to see you, Brett.

We're going to get you on, even though you keep saying you don't want to do it and that you've got nothing to say, we're going to get you on proper off menu one day.

Is that what you say now, that you don't want to do it?

Because before there was a very long stage where you were angry at us for not having you on it yet.

And now if you've changed it to you're not going to do it anymore.

Well no, I was you know deeply offended not to be asked.

It didn't mean I wanted to do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, that makes sense.

But every time I've ever dangled the possibility in front of you, you immediately pull back from it.

That's what's always happened.

Because I am like, well, I mean, what are we going to talk about?

What, what,

how are we going to fit an hour?

The genie, Red Rick Frambles, what a delight.

I love you both.

Love you too.

Please have a wonderful and happy comic relief to you.

Happy to you.

Happy comic relief to you.

Yes, happy comic relief.

Love you, Brett.

Heaven knows I tried.

Minneapples.

Well, there we are.

Always a treat to chat to little Bretty.

Hello, Ed.

I'm the billpayer.

New character, I'm doing.

Oh, right.

Okay.

So do I need to ask your permission?

You need to ask my permission.

I'm the billpayer.

Because, of course, you do need to ask the billpayers permission before you donate to Comic Relief.

Of course, you can go on comicrelief.com forward slash podcast mashup.

Alternatively, if you're one of the text generation, you can text the word podcast to 70210, and that will donate £10.

Text costs, your donation amount, plus your standard network message charge, and 100% of your donation will go to Comic Relief of Registered Charity.

And let's not forget, you must be 16 or over.

And please ask the billpayer.

Just me, the billpayer here.

For terms and conditions, visit comicrelief.com forward slash podcast mashup.

Might be fun to start doing that as a regular character.

The billpayer?

The billpayer, yes.

Should it be a man called Bill Payer?

Yeah, probably.

Yeah.

And everyone has to ask my permission before they do anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the character.

That could be a man.

If there is a man called Bill Payer, I bet he makes that joke every day.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't forget to ask my permission.

Okay, Bill.

Yeah, all right, Bill.

I like that.

So, yeah,

let's start pitching that to channels.

Bye.

Toodle peep.

Is that Bill?

That's Bill Payer.

Yeah.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.