Ep 140: Claudia Jessie

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

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The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the banana of chat, the milk of conversation, the peanut butter of humor, the

what else goes in a smoothie?

Raspberries of good times, putting them in the blender of the internet, hitting go

and creating a lovely podcast smoothie.

Come a bungo, everybody.

That was Ed Gamble.

James A.

Caster here.

Welcome to our dream restaurant.

Ed's the Maitre D.

I'm a genie waiter.

We're inviting a guest in and we're going to ask them their favourite ever start of main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order.

And this week our guest is Claudia Jesse.

Claudia Jesse, a wonderful actor, of course.

You'll know her from Bridgerton.

You'll know her from Line of Duty and many, many other things.

Quite a CV.

V accomplished, James.

Very excited.

Very excited to have Claudia Jesse come into the pod.

I don't know what kind of food she likes.

No, no idea.

No idea what her preferences are here.

Pretty exciting.

We're probably getting the exclusives

on this stuff.

I mean, I guess we...

often get the exclusive when people dream meals.

That's why all the tabloids go after us.

Yeah, exactly.

They hunt us down.

Yeah, and they go all right let's print some hot scoops from this but they don't listen to the full podcast they just listen to the first 10 minutes and they get their story from that maybe she'll pick hot scoops as her main hot scoops my nickname maybe or maybe we should start a mash restaurant oh yeah called hot scoops a journalism themed mashed potato restaurant yeah okay yeah yeah so like every dish is based on like a big news story yes yeah yeah yeah hot scoops hot scoops hot scoops and mashed potato but we've like yeah you know we've mixed it in with like i don't know what were some of the big the

like that guy sucking Fergie's toes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That'd be what it was.

That was a hot scoop.

Yeah, yeah, that was a hot scoop when that happened.

Hot scoops coming to a high street near you.

Yes, please.

But also, look, I'll tell you what, we won't be serving in hot scoops.

And that is the secret ingredient.

A guest says it on the podcast.

We chuck them out, kick them out on their ass.

And this week, the secret ingredient is

the meal replacement powder.

Yeah, I mean, you know, thank you.

No, I've had it a couple of times yeah yeah yeah i know you have yes well yeah we're on a text group uh with a bunch of other comedians and ed once mentioned having hule and then a few months down the line someone mentioned that ed had had hule once and ed was like adamant that he had never had hule and that they were just assuming that he would have because of he's such a healthy boy and don't assume that i've had it no i would never eat that and i had to scroll back and screen grab it and go there's you saying you just had some hule and then the next night i bought a hule uh as a joke but i did have it yeah he had it It's very thick and it's the sort of liquid that could pour itself out the glass when you aren't looking.

You know what I mean?

Like it's

pretty miserable, but, you know, I guess some people like that sort of thing.

Some people don't care about food, do they?

Sure.

Some people just decide, whatever.

And that was from Chris Who Tweets on Twitter.

Go and follow Chris Who Tweets.

Yes.

And every time they tweet something, make sure you reply by saying...

Is this as good as the Huel tweet?

Not as good as Huel, actually, Chris Who Tweets.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

But thank you very much for that suggestion from Chris who tweets thank you Chris who tweets good suggestion

I'm on tour James my tour is called electric no no no not now I'm talking to you now but I am generally on tour

doing a brand new stand-up comedy show electric

yeah they're at that noise might be in it spoiler warning come along watch that show it's V funny I'd like you to be there Yeah, yeah, I'm going to go to one of them.

I'm not going to tell you which one, listeners.

So who knows?

You turn up, you might not get tickets to all of them.

Yeah.

Because when Acas is in the building, it's going to be a fun gig.

It turns into a party when Jimmy's in the building.

That's when Ed really tries.

We'll be chatting to Claudia Jessie momentarily, who's in the new series of Bridgeton.

Very exciting.

I mean, you know, Edward and their mother talking about Bridgeton.

Yeah, certainly my mother.

Yeah.

And me.

So there you go.

That's the two.

There you go.

I watched the last series.

Love the last series.

Can't wait for this.

Netflix, correct me if I'm wrong.

Netflix, you are not wrong.

I would not dare correct you.

So you are correct.

Thank you.

They say things like that.

Hello, going, sir.

Kiss me on the downstairs bottom.

That sort of stuff.

Hello, going, sir.

Our second star of Bridgeton, of course.

Yeah.

The first star of Bridgeton we talked to locked herself up a flat.

So let's see if I mean, Claudia's going to be in the room with us.

So it's impressive if she managed that.

Who knows?

This Bridgeton bunch.

Yeah.

Anything could happen.

So let's get to it.

This is the off-menu menu.

Oh, of course.

Claudia Jessie.

Welcome, Claudia, Claudia, to the dream restaurant.

Thank you.

Welcome, Claudia, Jetty, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you so much.

No, Claudia, James is the surprise genie there.

I think you're the first person who's ever jumped at the genie coming out of the lamp.

I don't think I knew it was coming.

Yeah.

Such a big fan.

And I thought I'd be able to just like really be like, nice to see you too, but it took me still.

Well, it's different in person, isn't it?

Because like, you know, you hear it on the pod, maybe, and you imagine what it's like.

But in real life yeah that's a bit more confronting because there's a bit later on where people do jump sometimes it's it's odd that there was that amount of surprise straight away yeah i it almost sort of happened just when the arms raised yeah actually yeah people don't see the arms raised yeah yeah because i didn't expect it that's it i didn't i don't ever imagine you with your arms in the uh when you when i listen to it yeah he's a very physical performer Oh, it's beautiful.

Yeah.

Very physical.

And I do feel like I'm in the presence of a genie.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Normally, I guess when people imagine genies they think we've all got our arms folded you know like uh i think that's the standard pose on like genie's yeah just a wispy bum like you know yeah the wispy bumpy bum well he does have a wispy bum that's true uh but the arms folded no old wispy bum old wispy old old wispy bum over here but yeah the arms folded very passive aggressive a lot of genies well no it's not passive no no sorry sorry sorry it's not passive aggressive it's like you know do they wear watches

because i feel like that might be a little bit to do with the crossing of the arms because it's a good time you know, it's a good space to always kind of look down.

But if anything defines a genie, I'd say it's that they're not really in a rush.

Oh, yeah.

They've got a lot of time on their hands.

And they're only going to go back to the

plant pot that they live in, but it's not a plant pot.

It can be if you want.

This is your episode.

Oh, what a lovely little terracotta pot.

Our wispy bum in this little terracotta pot.

I don't mind it.

I live in a plant pot.

Lovely.

That's very nice.

Quite open at the top for a genie.

So it gets you water it instead of rub it would be the way

it's a woke yeah I prefer that it's nicer to be watered than to be rubbed

by a stranger yeah exactly yeah if it was a choice of the two with a stranger I think pour water on me rather than rub me yeah

hydrate me happily yeah hydrate me are you a big fan of of food yeah I I I think about it a lot and I talk about it a lot like I'll always do when I'm on sets or whatever I'll do food heaven and hell but and we'll break it down into categories so if you did like food heaven and hell with potatoes chips wouldn't be included because chips would have its own category because then it works out a bit longer yeah spend long days on sets yeah I'm gonna

say this is all based around the fact that you're literally there for like 12 hours working four hours or stuff yeah but I don't think I grew up eating a lot of like good food sorry mum she she's she just I don't know if she had too much time to be incredibly domesticated so we sort of had egg and chips which I loved it would be like homemade chips egg and chips or corned beef hash or stuff like that but then I went vegan when I was like 24 and then in my early 20s I didn't have enough money to like eat things so I think by the time I got to an age and a place financially where I could eat fancy foods I went vegan and then there aren't that so I feel like I missed out on loads of those like real fine dining experiences but I do love food and a lot of my day revolves around me thinking about what's for dinner You're saying born and raised in Birmingham as well?

Yeah, so I moved around a bit when I was younger.

But yeah, yeah, born in Brum and yeah, back in Birmingham now.

So the town of the best samosa, which I did bring.

You put it there on a plate.

It's quite exciting.

Tell us about this samosa.

So the reason I know about it, my best mate, Layla, there was a first episode of something I was in and she threw like a screening, a mini screening at her house.

And then she ordered just like 80 samosas, veggie samosas, and they cost 25 pence each.

Wow.

And they're the best samosas I've ever had.

And sometimes we'll make just small trips to Bearwood, an area in Brum to get them it's from Cigar Sweet Center and they're so delicious so I brought loads but they're really good hot I actually ate one on the one like on the way home yesterday when I got them so you guys do have a more of a soggy bag that's fine of very delicious veggie samosas as a gift from Birmingham that's very nice of you thank you very much

I mean I would eat one now but also I'm aware that if people are listening to this in headphones the last thing they want to hear is me eating a samosa sure but maybe I'll eat one yeah

oh they want to hear you they want to hear you have a lot of people.

That's misophonia, isn't it?

Is that misophonia when you hate the sound of people?

Yes, when you hate the sound of people eating, I think, is yes.

Just have a little peek.

Now, there's a flyer in here.

Let's look at the flyer.

Is it a flyer or a menu?

Well, it looks like a flyer.

And then it opens up in the middle.

Was that a pamphlet?

That's a very small book.

Yeah.

Shaga's Sweet Centre.

Sweet Centre?

Yeah, they do loads of those delicious.

Mainly says Lambrogan.

Then I open it up.

That's not fair.

It says Sweet Centre.

And then I open it it up and it's Lamrogan Josh and meet kebab rap.

Oh, sweets at the back here.

Yeah, yeah.

Look at that.

Honestly.

Everyone does.

We could edit around this and it looks like you're looking at something very different.

Huh?

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I like the look of that.

Oh, please, no.

Apparently, I'm not allowed to talk at it.

So you two have a chat.

Yes,

may I say before I eat this?

Yeah, what do you think?

Here's what's great about it.

The handle of the Samosa, I would say, the, I guess, what kind of a triangle would this be?

Not equilateral.

It's really delicious.

I said it looks, yeah, it looks like a delicious equilateral.

Equilateral.

The handle is very crispy and very rigid.

Yeah, and sort of...

It's a vesty style, really.

You've got a bit of handle.

But the rest feels very nice and soft.

And it's got a lovely golden brown finish to it.

So it does look very, very promising.

I'm going to eat it.

You can mute me if you like, Benito.

Yeah.

So we don't get complaints from everybody.

God forbid,

the podcast that you get for free isn't exactly what you want it to be.

About food.

About food.

About abstract.

Specifically about food.

Yeah.

Okay.

So this is a vegetable samosa.

It's a veggie samosa.

It's quite spicy, I think.

I like a spicy samosa.

You look like you're enjoying it.

And I do agree that it do have a handle.

And I also got four pakoras for myself.

Yeah, good.

Here it goes on the bus home.

The bus home from Bearwood.

He really looks like you're enjoying it.

It makes me so happy.

Oh my god.

This is the best thing.

His face is an absolute picture right now.

Not been this happy for a long time.

Yeah, he's definitely enjoying it.

Yeah, there we go.

But even when you Google this place, even though it's a sweet center, so many of the comments on Google reviews are like best smoses you'll ever get.

Great.

Great smashes.

Love them.

They're really nice.

So that accent is very much within grasp for you there.

Yes, but all others are not.

Right.

That's what I've discovered.

That a Brumi accent, fine.

Yeah.

Every other accent, unless you want sort of generic and American, I cannot do.

And I can't believe I've outed myself now.

But you also can't do accents.

Yeah, James can't do accents either, especially with a mouthful of somosa.

You do shred.

No?

Yes.

Yeah, I mean, it's better than James's, to be honest.

It's not as funny as James's.

Did you used to have the Brummy accent?

Don't know if I ever really did.

We moved about and then, yeah, life was all over the gaff, so I don't really know.

And then my job, I feel like I've done so much RP.

I wonder if that sort of kicked anything out of me yeah that was delicious was it

absolutely delicious I'm so happy

the is it would you call it pastry no well yeah yeah the outside is absolutely fantastic the thing that makes them so good is that every element of it's great the the spice that's in there and the contents also the structure of it all for each bite I took It didn't start falling over and I've got to allow for something.

You know, oh dear, now I've got to hold it like this.

I've got a situation on my hands.

No stress.

take a bite it just stays standing as it is yeah really delicious pastry flavorful in itself i could eat that pastry on its own i'd be very happy what i was very impressed with was the structure while you're eating it yeah you're holding it you could gesture with that

you can have a full conversation and gesture you could do a ted talk holding that samosa

an orchestra yeah that's a mosaic yeah and what a wonderful orchestra it would be delicious it was really good yeah i'm gonna have another one before i go home thank you very much for bringing that in that was what a treat and that's not even on your menu That's not on my menu.

No, that's just an extra bonus treat.

Yeah.

This is great.

Very exciting.

Bridgeton is coming back.

Yeah.

It's coming back for a second season.

One of the shows that I watched in lockdown where I eventually had to work out, I had to shut the blinds to my house because my neighbours would occasionally walk past and see what was going on.

And they always walked past just at the right moment for it to look like I was watching something very sexy.

Well, it is very sexy.

There was a lot of very sexy stuff in that show.

Yeah.

You don't watch anything that doesn't have sexy stuff in it.

That's true.

It made a nice change, actually.

It's actually a lot more chilled out than a lot of the other stuff I'm watching.

What can we expect?

Is there anything you can tell us?

Any Judy Goss?

I don't know.

Eloise will be, can I say even more Eloise-y?

I think so.

She's very funny.

She's sort of the rebellious one.

The one who, well, I suppose there's nothing really rebellious about not wanting to get married and just have your own autonomy.

But in the world of Bridgerton, that's rebellious.

That's absolutely scandalous.

And determined to get to the the bottom of the mystery of lady whistled out yeah we all bloody know don't we we know now yeah she was on the pot yeah we've had her on she locked herself out of her own flat and she ate mostly cartoons and a rap made by robbie williams so yeah i wonder what that if anyone knows what that rap is by the way no please don't

tweet tweet the podcast ladies please no please we've got what we know we found out on the day it was released

it's an okay

but yeah we're all excited we're really excited and it was beautiful to film we just i felt mostly just buzzing to have had a job.

People loved it during the lockdown.

I feel like it was a nice sort of cuddle that people, big sexy cuddle that people needed during a very difficult time.

It was absolutely funny.

I know, it's weird.

But we were all just like, I was just on my boat with, like, wearing a mask and cold lockdown.

And it's only now, really, after finishing filming season two, that we're all a bit like, bloody hell, that was, that was a, what was all of that?

Yeah, no, you know, you didn't need to wear a mask if you were just in where you live by yourself.

Right, I live with my partner.

Oh, right.

You were like, no.

Absolutely not.

And it was very difficult because we were watching Britain as well.

So I was like, don't you get any funny ideas?

I'm keeping this mask on.

And it's just like good, exciting, sort of yummy fun, isn't it?

Yummy fun.

It's good, yummy fun.

Much like those podcasts.

And it was the biggest show on Netflix, right?

It was.

And then did Squid Game.

Yeah.

Which just shows you.

you can't get a handle on what people like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because there must have been people after Bridget.

A sky licking a spoon.

Yeah.

Death.

Yeah.

People after Bridgeton going, okay, Bridgeton's the biggest show on Netflix.

We need to do that again.

Absolutely anticipated.

And then suddenly, a horrible death game show from Korea is like, no, we're big though.

It's pretty good, though, wasn't it?

Yeah.

You would think that, you know, a lot of people would look at that who make TV and go, oh, so you really just got to make sure you make something as good as it can be.

Take that idea and maybe just make the best thing of it.

But instead, they go, no, no, no, let's try and just copy what they did.

Yeah.

and see if we get as big why isn't this working is series two of bridgerton introduced more squid game style elements to the story

yeah you basically stuff yourself senseless with cake and whoever doesn't pass away yeah i guess to be the new queen

great that was our idea for this show yeah

still a sparkling water all right So I don't want to swerve too far from the rules because I think they're there for a reason, okay?

Ideally, I'd have a pint of neck oil.

Ideally, I'd have a pint of neck oil.

Yeah.

Because I can't drink beer once I've eaten food, but I love to drink beer.

That's such a good point.

Right?

Because I can session some lovely, delicious pints of neck oil.

I can only do really one gamma ray.

Session them.

Well.

John Robbins talk.

No, no, no.

This is good chat because I'm completely on board with that.

You can only have one gamma ray?

I can only have one gamma ray.

If I have two gamma ray, right off.

Yeah.

We regularly go up for pints with Nesh Kumar.

Yes.

And he'll always go Gamma Ray.

To start.

To start.

And to finish.

And to finish.

Gamma Ray all night, that guy can finish.

Oh, Neck Oil.

Oh, gosh.

Yeah, but Neck Oil I can handle.

Gamma Ray is just far too much.

It's six and the same.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sometimes I'll start with a Gamaray if I'm feeling particularly saucy.

I'll be like, I might kick off with a Gamaray, but then I know I can't continue, so I'll just go to Neck Oil.

So ideally I would, but

I don't want to do that.

Well, I don't think we're not going to let you have it.

I think you've made the case for that because you said that you can't have it after you've eaten.

No.

And it would be one of your...

No.

It's really earnest.

Yeah.

Probably.

No, and why won't it change?

So Salva, there's nowhere else to put the drink.

And so if you wanted to

have it at this point, I think we would be pretty cold-hearted to not let you have that as your dream meal.

I think you've completely sold us on it, bearing in mind that, yeah, because you love beer.

I do.

But you can't have it after you've eaten or with your food.

so you need one pint to kick off the night.

And beer's basically old water anyway.

Thanks.

How many pints before you're ready for dinner?

I'm going to say three.

Three.

It might be one Gamaray, two neck oil, or three neck oil, but it's never three Gamaray.

Absolutely not.

It's not even two Gamaray, one neck oil.

So can I have it?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we're not hard asses.

I think, yeah, it doesn't make any sense to not let you have that.

Thank you.

Early on.

Can I have

two pints?

Oh, my God, if you'd let me.

Two pints to kick off with?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But no more.

No, okay.

What we're talking, two neck oils or a neck oil and a gamma ray?

I'm going to go two neck oils just for safety because it's dream.

And then because sometimes you can start off with a gamma ray and then you're like, whoa, I knew I shouldn't have done it.

It's too much for me.

Can you have one?

Oh, yeah, I can have one gamma ray.

Yeah.

And then I'd have to move on to something else.

I think it's just too strong otherwise.

Neck oil.

No, gamma ray.

Yeah, but what do you go on to afterwards?

I can go on to neck oil.

Sure.

It's fine.

We're all having it together.

I understand.

at what we're doing.

Beavertown are absolutely elated by this entire conversation.

We've said gamma-ray and neck oil so many times.

I know.

Have Beavertown.

Why don't they get you hooked up with like a pump on the boat or something like that?

Oh, my God.

In the end of my life.

What if it was like, you know, where the rudder is?

And what if that was a little pump?

So, like, still the rudder, but on the inside of the boat, it's a beer pump.

So you can just tip it towards you.

And so while you're steering the boat around, you can just pour yourself a neck oil.

Oh, I see.

Now I would like that.

Yeah.

If there was any place I'd have the pump, it would be by the tiller yeah because then you could just pour yourself a little jug and

that would be nice.

Yeah I would like it.

Talking about the tiller being the pump.

Yes.

Also the bit this bit.

That actual bit that you that you hold and steer that is the pump.

Oh then I would very much like that.

Yes please.

Yeah yeah.

Okay.

That's good.

But surely if you keep pushing it down to get the beer out, would that not change the direction of the boat?

No, because it's right to left as opposed to up to down.

So if you pulled it up, that wouldn't do anything.

You can't, it doesn't move.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, it only goes right and left.

He's actually come up with a great idea yeah it's really good right pop love's on bread poplars on bread bread bread

bread that scared me as well yeah yeah and there was a point during the beaver tan conversation in fact actually when you were talking about the samosa and really going into detail i was like he's gonna do it in the middle of this isn't it i thought you might do it in the middle yeah i still had a few stray samosa bits in my mouth so i wouldn't have risked screaming and potentially spitting samosa across the desk desk at you and then that would be the end of the interview.

But I mean how good are those samosas?

Would you welcome the sort of spray?

Oh yeah, would you?

Yeah.

You would be like, yeah.

Just paid off.

A little bit of extra.

But bread.

I'm going to go bread.

I always thought it would be this delicious like zatar, zatar.

olive oil flatbread from a place called Demesina in Birmingham.

It's like a Syrian cafe, really beautiful.

But then I remembered I was living in a flat in in Homerton with my best pal for like six months and then we had to leave because we used to live as like guardians of properties.

Oh wow.

Yeah, because it was the cheapest way to live.

And there was a massive Tesco's near us and they do this like silvered circular tin bread thing and it would probably be, I think it was like a quid.

But then me and Leila knew the perfect times to go and get it.

And we once got it for 11 pence

and you'd bake it and it was like a tear and share thing and it had sun-dried tomatoes, jalapenos, and mozzarella in it.

Lovely.

I'd like that to be vegan-friendly now, if that's okay.

Genie, yeah, yeah.

Whip the mozzarella taste exactly the same.

Yeah, I would make it taste exactly the same, but it's all vegan.

Thank you.

What I like about that train of thought that you had was: so, you initially thought it would be a Zatar bread from a

Syrian restaurant, as you say.

And what you've ended up going with is discount Tesco bread.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I think it's more of the memory.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Me and Leila have had the Zatar bread together as well.

But this was just like we'd bake it and we'd just stand in the kitchen and eat it together.

And it was so good.

And I messaged her about it today, being like, I'm right that this is where we got it.

And she was saying, yeah, she was like, oh, I really want that bread now.

In fact, we were both very poor in that flat.

And I remember once coming home and sort of there was one, you know, the bookends of the bread.

That's got a name, heel.

Heels.

I once got that last slice, balled it up in my fist, dipped it in a jar of mayonnaise, ate it and went to bed just to get rid of the pang of hunger.

Wow.

That's not the bread I'd like.

No.

Oh, I was going to say.

What the fistful?

Although, it actually wasn't that bad.

It actually wasn't that bad.

I think it's because I quite like mayonnaise.

It's probably a bit disgusting.

But I liked it.

But I'm going to go with the 11 pence.

The day it was 11 pence.

The day it was 11 pence because we felt so victorious.

I bet that tasted so much better that you had to be a little bit more.

Oh, yeah, and it was massive.

And that was a dinner.

The guardians thing.

You're in the place that's to stop squatters moving in, basically.

It's like vacant properties.

Yeah, so you look after vacant properties.

Are you literally guarding it?

If someone tries to break in, are you like kicking off with them?

Well, one of them did get broke.

I've lived in like a, what used to be a rehabilitation center in Tutic.

I lived in an old estate in Homerton.

that just needed a few people in there.

And then I lived in a former doctor's surgery in Waterloo.

And that actually did get broken into.

Wow.

And I was the only person in.

It had like 16 rooms.

But me and Layla were the first people to move in with our cat.

And it was like four in the morning, and I heard someone break in, and I saw someone move past.

I had to phone my mum because Layla was back in Brum.

And I was like, Mom, I don't know what to do, but I know that Punch, our cat, is downstairs.

So I ran downstairs, I was petrified, and then I grabbed a knife and my cat and then ran up and locked myself in my room.

Oh my god.

Yeah, I obviously didn't sleep.

And then Layla came back and I was like, We have to leave.

So we left.

We lived there for two weeks.

So hold on.

Did a terrible job of guarding.

I know.

Oh, yeah, I know.

They walked straight in.

Yeah.

And they almost had the cat.

So this guardian's Sorry, what is this?

So the Guardian's thing, you're not actually there to do anything.

Did you?

No, you're just there to live.

It's a cheaper way for me to live and it's a way to keep vacant properties not vacant.

Okay.

Who's this Layla character?

Layla's popped up a few times already.

Layla's great.

Yeah.

Layla's great.

How do you know her?

What's she up to?

What's she do?

She's my best pal.

We met when I was 18 and we worked at my first bar job together in a pub called The Cross.

It's now called The Dark Horse in Mosley.

And we met there and sort of fell in love.

And she

works for a mental health charity.

Yeah, it's her to thank for the samosas as well because these are her favourites and then got me into them.

And then the bread.

But the thing is, when we lived in Tooting, there was a place next to us that sold two bottles of red wine for a Fiverr.

So whilst we were feeling victorious for like 11 pence on a bread dinner, we'd spend all of our fivers on those two bottles of red wine.

And they were just like, they might as well have just had like a white label on it and just said red wine in comic sans.

Like it was disgusting.

But we've freely spent our money on that.

I say freely, it was fiver for two bottles.

Wait, $2.50?

Yeah, that's how it worked.

You and Layla?

Me and Layla.

Shucking away.

Yeah.

Yep.

And we lived for those three years in London.

And then we also lived above a shop in East Dulwich.

That was a bit rough because that wasn't with your guardians.

They were with some people, not some good people.

Yeah.

No, we had to lock ourselves in a room with our cat.

Again.

Again.

Punch.

Yeah.

He's great.

He's still alive.

He lives in Birmingham now.

By himself.

Yeah, yeah.

He was sick of it.

Yeah.

Although, once we came home to the flat in Homerton and he had eaten a whole curry and two Krispy Kreme donuts and had learnt how to open the microwave.

So he'd like jump up on top of the fridge and then the microwave was on top of the fridge and he'd poke the button with his, like jab the button.

Yeah.

And then the door would come up, bop him on the head, but then he'd be able to get anything that was in the microwave out.

Honestly,

until you said he could get anything that was in the microwave out,

I was only imagining him opening the microwave so he could put something in the microwave himself.

The curry.

Yeah, he needs to warm up the curry.

Opening it up halfway through, stirring it without making.

Yeah.

Incredible.

Do you have any doughnuts?

Apparently, crispy creams are good in the microwave as well.

Amazing they understood the concept of a dessert, actually.

I need two.

Two crispy creams.

Oh, I need something sweet.

It's a separate stomach for sweet stuff.

Ever noticed that?

No, I've had one of these.

I can't stop myself.

I have another one.

Oh, what am I like?

Yeah, why not?

Let's get on to this starter then,

your dream starter.

Okay, so there's an amazing Cantonese restaurant in Birmingham city centre in the Chinese quarter called Chung Ying's.

Now, I don't want to brag, but we've had two Master Chef professionals winners from Birmingham.

two years in a row.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Well done.

Doesn't sound like a brag.

No.

to do with that.

You don't want to go out on a limb here and say that you had nothing to do with that.

For some reason, though, I feel like there's a thing with people from Birmingham who just want to own everything about Birmingham.

And when you meet another, like a brummy on a set or something, you're both just like for ages.

I can't believe we're both from Birmingham.

Like, it's the biggest thing in the world.

I bet they can't believe it with you.

You're sound nothing like it.

They're like bullshit.

Yeah, bullets.

Prove it.

But you know, what people don't know about you is that you run a cooking school from your boat.

So actually,

it is bragging when you say about the

it came from my school yeah that's exciting two master chef winners on the bounce stu dealy and dan lee and when we were watching the master chef professionals finals one of them like journeyed back to birmingham and then I was so excited because he was eating in Chung Ying's, which is my favorite takeaway.

I think it's just whenever you see something again from Birmingham, like on telly, you're like, oh my God, I know where that is.

I've walked past there.

That's great.

So I would like to pick there for my starter.

and i'd like their vegan duck and pancakes which they do actually do it's just crispy fried bean curd right but with all of the regular stuff yeah the thing is about this chinese this uh place is you know when you've got an idea of what you want for a chinese takeaway and then sometimes it gets there and you're like oh no it's not actually what i want you want sort of like the movie version of chinese you know when you see people on telly eating chinese food you're like oh i really want that that's what this place is great their prawn toast is like the size of a mars bar it's unbelievable

nice yeah quite often when I decide I want a Chinese takeaway, I think what I want is one from the 90s when I was a kid.

Yes.

That's really what it was.

Or from an American film where

it's the cardboard boxes with a little metal handle.

All the Pixar films.

They've got the same box.

Every episode of Friends.

That's kind of what it is, except it doesn't come in those cardboard tubs.

But it's sort of like the platonic ideal of a Chinese takeaway meal.

It's so good that I don't miss the idea of having duck pancakes.

And I feel like I remember the first time I ever had duck pancakes being like what is this sorcery like this like the most amazing thing to be able to put your own food together and it's also really good the next day if you store the pancakes correctly and how you store the pancakes

James really was just gonna say something there Claudia quite emphatically

it was so directed towards James it's like you're like look Only one of them's not going to store the pancakes properly.

Yeah.

And it is James.

It is James.

So let's make sure that he knows that he should be doing that did he look quite so i i i obviously couldn't see james's face

hold my hands up and be like yeah okay yeah whoa whoa whoa

message received how are we storing them claudia you've just got to make them air tight right yeah so just leave them in the box right

yeah just don't throw them around don't get them out

you would have known it

but i'll clean it

up yeah yeah don't take them up up.

Because otherwise they get the crispy edge and then you're like, no, this is not as soft as they were yesterday.

I read it as you thought I was about to say to you, yeah, but you've got to store them correctly.

And you were getting in there before me.

If you store them correctly,

I know.

All right, James, I know what you're doing.

Don't be boring about this.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but it did feel like that.

I'm so sorry.

It was such an attack.

No.

No, no, no.

I'm just very excited to be here.

Yeah, so that's what I'd like.

They're really delicious.

And I'd like a double helping.

Yeah, sure.

If that's okay, just now I'm getting cocky.

You'll give me neck oil.

I'm like, and I'd like a spice.

Yeah.

But just because then there's leftovers for like the morning.

I think Chinese takeaway the next day is.

Punch the mic away.

That's it.

And have some crisp grooms.

Yeah.

Something sweet.

Open it up.

So it comes with all the hoisin and the shredded spring onion and cucumber and all of that business.

Yes.

I mean, I do pancake, bean curd.

Yeah.

No, I don't.

Uh-oh.

I do sauce, bean curd, onions, cucumbers.

Yeah, I would do that too.

I always go sauce first so you get an even distribution of sauce.

Yeah.

Then the meat, then the veg.

Back of the right.

Back of the teaspoon.

Back of the teaspoon.

Yeah, come on.

Anyone doing it with the front is an idiot.

Yeah.

Who's shredding it with the front?

So you're going to shred it up.

Ripping the pancake up.

It's like, oh, this doesn't work.

No, but sometimes I'll do that.

You know, when you get like mayonnaise and you'll get it with the...

the scoopy part.

God knows what you're doing with mayonnaise.

And then you'll pop it somewhere, but then you realise you've still got loads on the scoopy side rather than the spready side.

I'm surprised you didn't screw the pancake up in your hand and just dip it into the sauce.

Yeah, stuff it in your mouth and go to bed.

Straight to sleep.

Don't brush your teeth.

You know,

grab the knife, off to bed.

Yeah.

Grab the catch, grab the knife, go to bed.

Oh, God.

And you are just to check again with the sauce, you are getting an even distribution.

You're not just like going a little bit where the actual bean curds are going to be.

And I'll just put it all in that same bit.

You are like going I'm going all around the panel

not right up to the edge but how how much of a board are you that you're leaving well I don't want I get quite nervous at the for the first pancake because I'm like I don't want to overstuff yeah then be left because I'm always left with so many spring onions yeah I don't I get quite nervous about the the distribution like if you ever made enchiladas you know when you stuff the the wraps to then put at the bottom of the baking tray I've always got one massive one and then it just gets progressively smaller and smaller.

And that's sort of what ends up happening with me.

But I'm not like doing it like the edge like it's an envelope.

No, I wouldn't.

And I'm not doing full disc.

No,

you don't do full disc.

I don't do full disc.

I'm not, no, mad.

You would do it.

The maximum you would do would be imagining it as if it was like a full-size pizza.

Like

leaving a crust.

You'd leave a crust, right?

That would be nice.

Right, let's not get started on my bloody wife.

This is how she gets it, right?

Here we go.

But this is crazy.

Before Ed got married last year,

before he got married or all the stories about his partner were positive

since they got married that's not true absolutely become an old she's been doing this since we met yeah yeah no don't worry he's always complaining about it

here we go the first time we had duck pancakes together I thought everyone just does the sauce on the bottom even distribution you get a thin layer right because then you know how much sauce there is you know how much you're using okay she goes veg duck and then drizzle sauce over the top she's using half a pot of sauce on her first pancake claudia's put her hand over her mouth can you believe that i can't believe what she's hearing.

But when you first said drizzle,

I thought of like a balsamic glaze and I'm like, well, but then you said half the tuck.

Well, because she's like spooning and then like she's but she's like across that.

That's rubbing it on top.

Right, yeah.

That's so boring.

Unbelievable.

But you can't teach someone a new duck pancake technique because that is

baked in.

I don't know.

That's like a family thing.

Claudia, I know that asked you the question that I asked all guests after Ed's told a story about his wife like that.

Normally gets Ed Edited out of the podcast.

How long do you give it?

Have you placing bets?

Is that

just wondering?

That's all the other things.

We're all doing it at the wedding, you know.

That's all you know about them and age of the speeches.

How long are you giving it with that?

Do you need any background?

No, I mean, you've told me the most important thing.

They've been together with it.

It's our pancake.

Over 10 years they've been together already.

If this is the straw, that would be crazy, right?

Right.

Yeah.

But then the straw is a bit like those little sprigs of spring onion, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's the sprig that broke the camel's back.

Isn't it?

That broke the duck pancake.

I feel like you're

long.

I see a long future.

Yeah, I reckon so.

You've just got to see it as charming.

Yeah.

We just don't try to do it that often.

There you go.

That's the best way to do that.

That's how we avoid it.

Never let her ever have a duck pancake ever again.

And the mouth will be fine.

Yeah.

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Let's move on to your main course.

It's a good menu so far.

Yeah,

personal memories attached to everything.

It's very nice.

I was really hoping you guys would like it.

So I've always known this one because I remember the first time I ever had this dish, it was pre-vegan life.

So I had like a pork version of it.

And I remember thinking it was one of the greatest things I've ever eaten in my life.

And it's a bibin bap.

Yes.

So that's the Korean, it's like a rice dish with like different vegetables, like all julian.

And it's like a really hot pot.

So you get like crispy rice at the bottom with a gojujung sauce.

And you can have like a fried egg on it.

And I had it pork the first time I had it.

And the first time I had it was in a restaurant called Topoki in the Birmingham Gay Village.

And that's genuinely what it's called on the map because someone told me off once and said, you can't call it that.

And I went, no one actually can.

And it was the best thing I've ever had.

And I always thought, that's going to be, that's like my menu heaven.

Then I went vegan and I was like, oh, I'm never going gonna be able to have this again am I but it's foolish and I was filming in Glasgow and I was there for about five nights and after my first days filming I was staying in a really nice area of Glasgow called like Finniston it's like quite trendy it's really cool and I was walking around looking for dinner and then I walked past this place called kimchi cult

and I went in and there was a dish called the vegan bap and it was a vegan bib and bap and I went back every single night for five nights and had the same dish And on the side, I had a crispy, deep-fried tofu and kimchi bow.

Nice.

And it was my first ever bow.

I'd never had a bow before.

And I remember being like, wow.

And I had that every single night to the point where, like, by the fourth night, they were like, Do you want the same thing?

And I was like, You better believe it.

I love that you were there for five nights, had the same thing every night.

So they really got used to you after three nights.

And then after five nights, you just never went back.

Just never.

They were probably baffled.

They were like, Is that lady okay?

She's had too much vibing bap.

But it's the most delicious

thing I've ever eaten in my life is that dish.

So well done, Kim Chi Cult.

But it's got like big, massive chunks of like deep-fried, crispy tofu.

Tofu's a controversial one.

What do you guys think of tofu?

I love tofu.

Do you?

I absolutely love it.

I think people sometimes hate it just because it sounds cool to hate tofu.

To be like, oh,

smoke.

Yeah, yeah, because

that's what people see.

You said you can do accents.

You can do

a tofu hater.

You can do idiot voice.

I like it, but I'm not having it loads.

So to me, it's not like I actually understand it more when like vegetarian or vegan friends hate it.

Right.

Because they're like, oh, it's every like in so many dishes.

I've got to eat tofu and I'm sick of it now.

I never want to eat tofu ever again.

I get that.

Yeah.

When people aren't vegetarian or vegan and they go on about hating, I'm like, what are you talking about?

It's good.

It's quite nice just to have it every now and again.

It's a lunch.

Really nice and deep-fried so good as well.

I actually had a vegan sort of bibbin-bap style thing the other night

at Mildred's.

Oh lovely.

The one in King's Cross.

Very nice.

Very like loads of kimchi, loads of amazing rice, loads of gotcha jang, and then deep-fried tofu sort of bricks on the top.

It's fantastic.

See, that sounds exactly like that.

So I don't need to go to Finnison, although I would like to go back there because it was a very tiny little place that sat like...

six tables and there was a little bench that you could queue on and I was waiting there every night after work.

It's just so delicious and I'd absolutely demolish it.

And it was so, it was the summer and then it would stay late until like 11 o'clock and it would be like beaming sun and I'd be like, I can't get to sleep.

But then after loads of Korean food in my belly, delicious.

I'd have it every day.

Does it come in the hot stone bowl?

Well, no, because I always took it back to the hotel.

And they don't give it away.

But they know you're going to be back the next night.

I could have.

They'd be like, you'll return the bowl, won't you?

You're sadder.

You can't go anywhere else.

But I would have it just in like a little black tub.

There was never any room in the restaurant, it was always filled.

And it's got like made.

I was looking at the menu today because I was like, making sure, but they don't have the bow anymore.

They don't have the bow that made you say wow.

The bow that made me say wow, but

how are you spelling wow?

W O A

O

so that's W O A A O.

So, do you want that as part of your main?

Would you like the bibin bap and the little bow wow?

I've got lovely lovely stuff so nice yeah I've got a side so I don't know look you've already hacked the the water course feel free and I've asked for two starters of the same thing yeah one for a diverse double portion that doesn't count I mean I mean this I think this is also maybe the first time that someone's thought about their dream meal carrying over into the next morning for

which is nice actually yeah I feel like that's a big thing for takeaway or like if you're you guys get doggy bags if you've got loads of food left over at a restaurant yeah if it's something that like because yeah, I can feel quite bad, waste and stuff.

Absolutely.

So definitely if it's something that you're like,

we can definitely eat this at home tomorrow.

Yeah, you've got to get it done.

But some people don't have to be able to do that.

It's never been in that situation.

Yeah, no, finished.

Done.

All done.

Yum, yum.

All done, yum, yum.

Lil Bow Wow.

Lil Bow Wow.

Then maybe I will have a little bow wow on the side.

Yeah, you have a little bow wow on the side.

It's tied into the dish.

It's tied into the memory.

And they don't do it anymore.

Yeah, exactly.

So if odd wispy bam the terracotta pot over here, the terracotta potter.

If that could happen, that would be really nice.

Do it all in one.

Yeah.

The terracotta potter with the wispy little potter.

Love it.

There we go.

Yeah.

I'm sure he can magic that up.

And maybe I with.

Over there.

Pardon?

Maybe I will.

You're surprised by what I genuinely don't even know what it was that happened.

But it was like, you just malfunctioned and then just looked absolutely shocked.

There's a proper little sideboard.

Because we've been saying like little bow wow and stuff and then saying the bow that made me say wow.

I said with instead of with.

Maybe I with is what maybe I'll maybe I'll with do it

it's like baby talk almost yeah maybe I will have little bow bow on the side if that's okay of course it was really delicious and I got it every single night I really feel bad for finishing because I there were so many restaurants around and I could have tried anywhere but I just kept going back to this base gotcha jang is it is that how you pronounce it gotcha jang yeah I met something with that recently for the first time never used it before but uh also first time where I've copied a recipe off queer eye really

very nice

Look, late series of Queer Eye.

Which one was it?

It was the one with the lady who owns all the animals on the big

estate where they're.

The cauliflower dish.

Yeah, so I did the cauliflower steak.

And I thought that looks really good and really simple.

So I just copied it along with the TV show.

I've not watched Queer Eye for a couple of series.

Has he upped his game from sort of like series one was just like an avocado and stuff.

Yes, yeah.

It got back to him pretty quickly.

Yeah.

And

I would say that he has really upped his game, knows what he's talking about.

And I love him.

I think he's a very humble guy, knows that, okay, people make fun of me for this, but I'm not going to, you know, strike back.

I'm just going to just demonstrate that I do have a lot more knowledge than people think I do.

Well, that's the edit you see.

There's probably loads of stuff on the cutting room floor where he is like, this one's with the fucking haters.

Yeah, yeah.

Is that something like guacamole to you, motherfucker?

Is he your favourite queer eye guy?

No, Bobby is.

Oh, that's my boyfriend's favourite as well, because he has to do an entire building.

Working so hard.

Yeah, he's really doing the lion's share there.

I just think he really connects with the people they talk to the most.

I think he really talks to them on a human level and really goes out of his way and actually, I think, has more of a connection.

I think that's nice.

I think everyone else is doing their jobs really well.

Yeah.

But you can see there's the TV sheen to it.

And that's what I'm here for.

I'm watching a TV show, not complaining.

But I think Bobby has a real connection with those people, and it's uh, it's good stuff.

We agree with you, he is lovely.

Yeah, that's my boyfriend's favourite queer-eyed guy as well.

I like Tan.

Tan Francis, my favourite.

Tan, Tan's the best, possibly one of the most beautiful-looking men in the world.

Actually, I sat near him in a bar once, no, and he is very beautiful and really stunning.

Yeah, truly, that's an incredible face and hair, solid web of hair.

Lovely.

Imagine if you were the sixth queer-eye guy.

Yeah, come in here.

What would be your specialty?

Finally, the straight perspective.

Yeah,

Hello, this house needs more terracotta

immediately.

Anyway, there you go.

That's the other Netflix show.

You've got to plug other things in the Netflix family, though, as well, right?

Quite the contract.

Yeah, it's a major part.

They wouldn't keep me otherwise.

You guys seen Stranger Things?

We have.

We've had one of the Stranger Things kids on the show.

Yeah, not that he would remember.

He had no idea what was going on.

Side dish now is exciting because we've given you a bonus side dish.

I don't know if it's as exciting as the bonus side dish you gave me.

The little bow wow.

As the little bow wow.

But I'd like a battered sausage.

Yes, you would, and you may have one.

That is such a great idea for a side dish.

Okay, I'm so pleased because I think they are the most delicious things in the world.

You know what?

Battered sausage.

I'll say this before you even say this thing thing about battered sausage because I'm looking forward to what you have to say about it.

But more than any guest, every time

we approve of a dish, you're like, oh, thank God, yeah.

My dad left 20 years ago.

If we don't approve of a dish, I don't know how that's going to go down.

You've got your notes in front of you, you rip them all up.

It's a bit of waste of time.

Because

every time we approve of a dish, it feels like every single tension in your body is relieved.

You're like, oh, God, thank God for that.

And we get to another dish and all that tension's back again.

And then it just goes again.

That's a life of anxiety, baby.

That's a little panic disorder.

Yeah, I feel like a lot is riding on this.

I really want you to like the menu.

Love it so far.

It's great.

And you just brought a battered sausage into the equation.

Yeah, and I think there's something very particular I need for the battered sausage, and it's like gnarly batter.

You know, that

batter.

And my boyfriend always says, what you don't want is like a savaloy in a golden wetsuit, which you see a lot.

Wow, this guy, right?

It's rare it happens.

Oh, no, it's really annoying.

No, this is rare it happens, but you hear one phrase and you just know, I like that guy.

Don't get on well with that guy, and I'm going to use that for a while.

I don't know what I like is the fact that he's clearly said it more than once.

That's my boyfriend says.

What you don't want is a savaloy in a golden wetsuit.

Yeah, as the old saying goes, yeah, and that's something he said, that's not like an old Birmingham phrase, that's something that's a bad thing.

That's something that came out of his mouth.

Yeah.

Because we were talking about the battered sausage and he was like, yeah, because what you don't want is a savloy in a golden wetsuit.

And I was like, that is one of the reasons I love you.

That's the man I fell in love with.

And it's true, like very thin layer of batter.

I had a really shit battered sausage the other day, battered vegan sausage.

And I've had a great one.

There's like this really tiny...

like kebab shop called the Veggie Chippy in, I think it might be Hockley sort of area in Birmingham.

And they do everything on their menu is called like vish and chips.

Vican and chips.

Vossage.

No, actually, that's the one thing they don't put the V in front of is the sausage.

They're like, oh, vosage is stupid.

Vicin, we're fine with.

Vican, yeah.

Vish, vican, and chips.

Amazing.

But they do a battered sausage and it was really good there.

However, what I'd like is that the whole of the country just goes vegan for this one day and that the four of us could go on a little trip to like some lovely chippies and just try out a few and see which one's the best one.

But in the chippy.

Well, hold on, what?

What?

I'm going to Google the best battered sausage in the country.

Are you?

And yeah, yeah, just to see if it comes to the bus.

The best vegan battered sausage.

No, let's just go.

Anyone else goes vegan in the country?

The Veenie.

Mono.

Thank you.

I think you should move to Glasgow.

Great.

I would.

I mean, I'd happily die in Scotland.

What?

Is that what I said?

That's right.

Okay.

So, I'll tell you what.

That's right, that's not what you said.

Yeah.

But what here?

Really?

Best battered sausages in England restaurants.

I've got a top 4,934 list here.

Okay.

Let's start.

So how many are we going to visit?

This is the top one.

Is not far away is at What the Fish in Hammersmith.

What the Fish?

Apparently.

I like that name.

And also Ranmore Friary in Sheffield.

Nice.

Stotesbury Fish and Chips in Newport.

That's the top three.

Those are the top three.

Yeah, that's the top three that comes up.

But there's also a place called Veggie Corner in Coventry.

It's number four.

Oh, gosh, in Coventry.

So the fourth one on the list is a veggie place.

I'm in Coventry on Saturday watching QPR play Coventry.

Well, you might want to go to Veggie Corner and get the best veggie battered sausage that you could get.

And it's number four on a list of over 4,000, nearly five.

Oh, my goodness.

Benito, have you looked it up?

Veggie Corner?

Does it look legit?

Not only do Veggie Corner do a battered sausage, they also do a vegan jumbo battered sausage as well.

Well, that's going to be the fucking one, isn't it?

That's going to be the bloody one.

Do you know what?

The word jumbo

isn't used enough.

We don't hear it used very much.

Jumbo jet, jumbo sausage are the only two I can really think of.

Yeah.

What else do you think?

Could you use it for like client, like jumbo jumper?

Yeah, I would love to wear a jumbo jumper.

I'd love to have a jumbo bed instead of a king size bed.

That's good.

Yeah, I think all of that would be great.

I guess jump is, do they have like jumbatron?

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

So like

the big screens at sports games is called the jumbatron.

I feel like it would be something like a chain restaurant would do as well.

You know, it was very big to super size in America and McDonald's.

Maybe there'd be like another burger joint.

They'd be like, you want their jumper?

Do you want their jumbo?

Yeah.

You see my accent?

There we go.

You want that jumbo?

You've got that part of slightly nervous waitress absolutely sewn up.

Anything that you're doing.

Do you want that jumbo?

You want that jumbo?

Just terrified.

In the table of mobsters, or we're having a meal.

I don't like that jump.

I like the gabber gall, please.

You want that jumbo?

That's amazing.

She's great.

She is great.

You would be nervous if the mobsters were there.

If they're known for just flipping out and killing anyone for whatever reason.

Absolutely.

They might be offended by do you want that jumbo?

And she's worked there for years.

Or it could be her first age.

It could be her first date.

She's been told that's a mob table.

Don't offend them.

You go over there, Sally.

Yeah.

You want their jumbo.

Fucking hell.

That's got me.

Mumbo jumbo.

Mumbo jumbo.

Mumbo jumbo, yeah.

I mean, you know, often used, I think, by the wrong people in a...

rather, you know, dismissive fashion.

I think they've taken the word jumbo and they've completely, you know, maybe maybe that's why people don't use jumbo that much because they've ruined it.

Well, what does that mean?

Does that suggest that if you're talking nonsense, you're talking mumbo, but if you're talking loads of nonsense, you're talking mumbo jumbo.

Yeah,

jumbo.

Jumbo.

You want that jumbo?

He's quiet.

Quieter and quieter every time he's going to be a little bit more.

I really like

the nervous waitress who has to ask some mobsters if they wanted a jumbo.

It's a great character.

So, yeah, I I think that's a great side dish.

No sauce, salt and vinegar.

How heavy are you going with the salt and vinegar?

Quite heavy on the vin.

Yeah.

A little bit crazy on mumbo on the vin.

No, jumbo on the vinegar.

Yeah.

Mumbo on the salt.

Yeah.

So the other way around.

So mumbo on salt, jumbo on salt.

Yeah.

Also, at the vegan place you mentioned earlier,

when they do, what do they call vinegar there?

If they're switching it, the first letter of everything for a V.

Inagar.

Just inagar.

They just get rid.

We don't want to confuse people.

Because they might think it's vegan vinegar or something.

They also do a vona, like a donic bab that I've actually had and it was absolutely tremendous.

I'm really confused why they don't say vosage.

I know because I was looking through the menu and I was laughing like Vican and chips, vicin chips, and I was like, sausage.

Okay, fine.

Cool.

Drink because you've always said we know it's not going to be...

You've had a couple of pints already.

Pints, because you can't have them after you've eaten.

No, no pints.

I think I love an old-fashioned, like a lot.

So I go from drinking like IPA or bourbon, palette of an elderly man.

Or me.

And the bottom.

Just my palette.

Delicious.

But my mum's got this amazing blender.

That's what I'd like to have.

It's such a great start to the story.

Yeah.

And I went over to visit.

It was halfway through like filming Bridgeton and I had like a week off and I went home and I was like my mum's got a blender I'm gonna make frozen margaritas I've never made them before I'm gonna make them for my family so I bought all the booze all the good stuff like an agave syrup to put in there and then they loved them they loved them so much my mum my stepdad and my brother they'd never had one before I'd had loads but I'd never made any and then a few days later I went round and they'd stocked up on all of the same ingredients again and were like are you gonna make gonna make those frozen margaritas again and I was like I mean yeah let's do it let's go and now they are obsessed with frozen margaritas they love them but then apparently my stepdad got so poorly the other night because he had such an intense brain freeze but then apparently you just put your thumb on your soft palate

yeah thanks for demonstrating that I know you demonstrated it and immediately made eye contact with it it was very funny you put your thumb on your soft palate mouth open and just look straight straight I mean as if to say

straight in the eyes

and also I didn't wait until the word palette was done I went soft palette yeah yeah yeah but apparently that gets rid of brain freeze, which I don't know.

Why?

Well, apparently.

I've never heard that before.

Brain freeze is not something that's necessarily troubled my adult life too much.

I don't think I've had it that much, really.

What about you?

Love ice cream?

I love ice cream, yeah.

Absolutely adore it.

Have you ever had it when it's too cold?

I've had brain freeze.

Yeah, I've definitely given myself brain freeze before, too eager.

You love brain freeze?

I've never tried the soft palate.

I bet you love brain freeze.

Yeah, I love it because I love that.

I like when you have wasabi.

You're like, go on, you prick.

Yeah,

I do like wasabi.

I I do kind of like that.

It's very funny that you pitch that as an absolute universal observation.

You know,

when you have wasabi and you say, go on, you prick.

Go on, you prick.

It wasn't like that.

Oh, it's like, when you have wasabi and you go, die, you prick.

It was like that.

It's like suddenly Ray Winston.

Yeah.

This is, you've just come on here in the hope that casting directors are listening, right?

You're doing all your characters.

All my characters, even though I claimed I can't do any accents.

Yeah, you're doing all of them.

You can do all the characters, but only one voice, really.

And it's nervous, Sally.

The emotions getting across.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

right winston in a japanese restaurant

gorny prick

i don't like brain freeze i like i do like the wasabi thing though i love the wasabi and the sinuses and then i'm like oh watery eyes

yeah see gorny prick yeah yeah so delicious i think i've only had brain freeze with like slush puppies when i was younger you know when you get them after school it'd be like an off-licence not an off-licence like a sweet shop that would have the twirly machines i'd get one of them and i have brain freeze with that but obviously i didn't know about the soft palette no

you're okay don't beat yourself up listen I only do that sort of stuff embarrassingly in front of adults yeah

thank you so I think I'm gonna go for frozen margarita made by yourself yeah made by me for my family yeah because they I just find it so adorable that they then became it's like their favorite drink they love it now and tequila apparently is the only alcohol that's an upper yeah have I heard that correctly and apparently it's good for your digestion so glues

these lies we tell ourselves exactly actually really good for you actually turns back time one glass of red wine is actually better for you than no red wine

yeah I think I've heard that about tequila yeah do I believe it well I don't know because you still feel a bit shit don't you but I'd like that frozen margaritas at my mum's house with my mum my stepdad and my brother lovely I think that would be really nice so why was it that the stepdad was the only one to get brain feeds was he just like really I think it was

must have been like necking it back yeah also he made it so he might have over iced sure yeah I like mine somewhere between like a liquidy drink and a slush puppy, but not like his was full slush.

Yeah.

His was like snow cone levels of ice.

Yeah.

So I think he might have just iced himself out.

Yeah, he iced himself out.

But then no one else.

Was he just drinking them on his own that time?

Or was everyone else?

He didn't make them for everybody.

So they didn't iced themselves out.

But I think my mum would have just waited.

I think that's the situation of making.

Iced margaritas.

Yeah.

Frozen margaritas just for yourself if you're home alone.

I don't know.

I reckon I could.

Do you think you could do that without thinking about how bleak the situation is?

No, it's not nice, but I did get that same blender as a gift for my birthday.

I'll tell you who definitely could make themselves frozen margarita on their own punch.

Punch.

Punch good.

He'd learn how to work the machine.

Punch to make it, wouldn't he?

Yeah.

We would put paw on the top so it doesn't splash around.

Giving it a shake.

Yeah.

My dog likes beer.

Yeah.

She likes neck oil.

She just, one's been lying around and she's drunk it.

Well, I took her to the bed the night and she put her paws on the table and then had a couple of licks and seemed to have a nice time.

When your dog had a couple of licks, did you just drink the rest of the pint?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I would.

I like cooking.

To me, that might as well be toilet water at that point.

Really?

Yep, I'd just pour it away.

If it was your own dog.

Yeah, my own dog.

I don't want to.

No.

I'll pass that to someone.

That's not a judgment thing.

That's just the way I am.

I wouldn't be able to do it.

How do you guys feel about peeing in the shower?

Interesting.

Or a dog.

You or a dog?

Yeah.

You.

How do I feel about peeing in the shower?

I met someone recently who was disgusted by the idea of it and I couldn't believe it.

I feel fairly neutral about it.

I don't feel disgusted by the idea.

No.

No.

I'm not disgusted by it.

My shower that I've got at the minute goes through stages of the water not going down very fast.

So if it was during one of those stages, I would not be pissing in the shower because then I would just have it.

I'd be paddling in it pretty quickly.

Ankle deep.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, I'm interested to know how the question, how do you feel about peeing in the shower, links into you drinking a pint that your dog slicked?

Yeah, I'm not sure.

Yeah.

I don't actually know, but I felt like there was something about the brain connecting, like you saying, well, it's my dog, and I'm being like, well, it's my piss in the shower.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe that's where my brain went.

I, either way, I piss in the shower, my dog drinks my beer.

I think that's what we've said about it, haven't we?

That's the sort of person I am.

That's on this podcast.

There we go.

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So we come to the dessert now.

Before dessert.

Yeah.

I was just wondering how you guys felt about palate cleansers.

Soft palate cleansers?

Putting the thumb up there.

Very good.

That was beautiful.

Thank you.

I feel great about palate cleansers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like a sorbet?

I can take or leave a sorbet, really.

Especially after I've had a frozen margarita.

Yeah, that's very true.

I have just had a frozen margarita.

It's almost quite like a sorbet.

Yeah, but what if it was cowpole flavoured?

What are you talking about?

Uh-oh.

oh, no, no, no, remember.

It's the our most fragile guest we've ever.

Sorry, do not

tell us a bit more.

Take it down a couple of notches.

I listen, if someone said to me, I've got some cowpole-flavoured sorbet, there's no way I wouldn't try it.

I would try it.

Yeah.

You know, I am very intrigued by this.

And you've had some, I'm assuming.

No.

Oh.

Okay, but take it down.

I'm feeling quite sensitive.

Do you want a jump?

Do you want a cowpole saw baby?

And you're special on the day.

It's cowpole saw.

You could have it, mumbo, a jumpo.

Well, I just thought I loved cowpole growing up.

Like, I'd feign illness to have cowpole because it was so delicious.

And I don't have much of a sweet tooth.

Ah, okay.

I know.

This is interesting.

And I thought that's a nice palette cleanser.

It's sweet.

I'm looking at your notes now because I'm genuinely worried that I haven't been able to see what it is.

And remember?

Remember?

She's quite fragile.

Oh, no.

Oh, your lovely cowpole sorbet we've got.

Remember the cowpole sorbet.

She's chosen her cheese.

No, we don't know.

I don't know what to do.

Okay, it's fine.

It's brought us tomosis.

That's it.

Okay.

And Claudia's quite nervous about how we're going to react to her dishes, remember?

So.

Cowpole sorbet.

We're talking about the palate cleanser.

Lovely cowpole sorbet.

I just think that I reckon it it would taste nice just a tiny little dome

of um

you're really selling it for sound effects i i would kind of like maybe prefer just a glug of cowpole for old time's sake rather than but what if the sorbet came with like the classic plastic spoon with the 1550 mil is it 1550 mil you think it might be

you would swing it from the bottle but imagine get it back on the uh get it back by the sink by the time my mum gets in hop back in the bath she doesn't know what's happened i'm not even ill

All right, maybe we'll do like a okay.

Could I have

a swig of pig

piss?

Fill it in the bath.

Yeah,

nothing, mum.

Well, I can tell, James, you've been drinking that cowpole again.

What do we think?

Just a swig of cowpole there.

A swig.

No, I think we should stick with this cowpole sorbet because it's very rare a guest completely invents a dish that no one has ever had before, including them.

So I think a little dome of cowpole sorbet is a lovely way to go.

And I know, don't do that.

No, don't do that.

Come on.

I think someone will try and make that based on this podcast.

I feel like that could happen.

I think it will happen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I did absolutely love Cowpole.

And it's nice to hear it get a shout out on the podcast.

Sneaky little bonus dish because, you know, we were all looking for ways to sneak cowpole into our diet as kids anyway.

So I like the fact it's a little, you know, a little cheat code because

I could see it being on a restaurant menu, like a new restaurant menu in London and that's what makes the headlines and that's what gets people in definitely that would be the thing to a couple sort of yeah yeah kidding amazing amazing mate and later in the course you get like a Benelin one or whatever and you know realize that all the fun's over and you're the rest of your life's gonna be shit and then you get a thermometer up the bum for the final course good course my favorite course

there you go well then if that's would be if that's allowed I think that would be quite cool and then all of us could try it and then if it's shit we'll just be like well no no,

but

I think it'd be nice.

It would be nice.

And it's nice to have something a little bit sweet before we go into your final course.

What is it?

When I was writing this down, I was almost going to put just in big capital letters cheese board just for you to see it and be freaked out.

Yeah.

That's not actually very nice.

No, no, that would be.

But I really racked my brain because I wanted to have a dessert, like a proper dessert.

Yes.

So I don't think you'll be disappointed.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

But

I do find it a little bit fun that there was a bit of tension.

Yeah.

There was a bit.

And

I genuinely was thinking, I don't know how to respond to this.

If Corda has just been cheeseboard, because if she has just on cheeseboard, I won't feel good about shouting at you, which is normally my go-to.

And I did consider just leaving the room.

If you said cheeseboard.

The only way I can deal with it is I'll have to literally exit the room.

And then that'll be it.

And then when you come out,

you have to talk about your dessert with Ed, wrap up the podcast.

And then when you come out, you would have seen that I would have fully gone home.

Right.

And I'll say, that's the only way to do the joke properly is to just go.

You just no, no,

no, no, get the train, and then you come out and go, oh, he's actually gone.

He's gone.

Yeah, that would have been the only way to do it.

I would rather you shout at me, actually.

Yeah, but I'll just go.

Because then you just got to stay, just because then you'd still be here.

Yeah.

But I'd understand that.

True abandonment if he left, if he absolutely left.

I mean, that would be all.

I don't think I need that.

Thank you.

I just learned all these things about it.

So, have any of you guys ever heard of a little chef?

Yeah.

Right.

Actually, my boyfriend's boyfriend's dad used to call it little thief because it was so expensive

that's a great dad joke

i thought you were about to say your boyfriend's dad was the little chef yeah he was but it was modeled he is somewhere the little logo is somewhere between the lerpak butter guy and the michelin man tire guy isn't he yeah yeah

i mean all those guys i think they're basically the same family right yeah yeah sort of plump plump mascots plump mascots yeah i didn't really go on holiday growing up but we would go on long drives.

Doesn't that sound nice?

Yes, that's the treat.

How long were these drives?

Well, until we could find my dad.

So, I mean, one of them's still ongoing, actually.

My mum's circling.

Well, just until someone couldn't do it anymore, I guess.

In like a day.

Yeah, but a few days or like a day trip or whatever.

Yeah, but we couldn't really leave the country.

Oh, shush.

Me?

So,

but we would go on.

I used to love Lil Cher.

And they'd obviously do those massive breakfasts, wouldn't they?

And those big white oval plates.

And then they'd have those burgers that had the sausages that were round, but they had slits in them.

Do you remember those guys?

Vaguely.

Like a Cumberland sausage.

But you know, it was like within a burger, but you could see the little like

muffins in there.

It was called something like a Bendy Bun, right?

Bendy bun?

Yeah, I think it was a bunch of fun.

Was it love him?

I think it was a bend.

I mean, it might not have been at the Little Chef, but I think they did do like curly sausage in a bap, and they would call it a Bendy Bun or something.

Yeah, yeah, bendy in a bun.

If I've made that up, copyright.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Okay, well.

That was going on the Cal Pole restaurant menu.

I think Bendy Bun.

Nice.

Yeah, yeah.

No theme to the restaurant.

No, it's insane.

But they used to do these tiny sugary doughnuts with a hot chocolate dipping sauce, like a thick.

But they were really hot, the donuts.

Everything was just really hot and it was amazing.

But you know the donuts, but you can't really see the hole.

It's more of like a cat's answer of a hole, if you will.

And you dip those in the hot sauce and i was obsessed with those i loved those very very much and i think that would be my dream dessert i'd get like eight of those mini sort of big like ramekin of the hot like it was like molten it was so hot yeah get those at fair fairgrounds sometimes and in ketron uh on the on the high street every now and again there's a guy who has a dinky donut stand and you just smell it all the way down the high street you go oh dinky donuts are here today you smell it like a really long way away dinky donuts are here today yeah yeah yeah.

And then, like, you walk around the corner, he's there, usually, yelling that they've got dinky donuts.

And I like that you're pitching this as if you're with other people, like with some mates or family, and you're all like, Dinky donuts is here today.

When we all know, it's just you walking down the street, and out loud to yourself, you say, Dinky donuts is here today.

Yeah, I smell, oh, dinky donuts are here today, and then I walk down the street, and then I see him.

And did you say he would be shouting that they've got dinky donuts?

Yeah, he's also going, Dinky donuts, got it, we are dinky donuts here, got it.

Dinky is is the opposite of jumbo, right?

Yeah, the opposite is.

Would you ask dinky donuts if they could make it jumbo?

Yeah, yeah.

This dinky donut, can you make it jumbo?

Yeah, probably.

You've got the dinky donut.

Can I make the dinky donut jumbo, please?

And then would a jumbo dinky donut just be a normal donut?

No, because if it was a oh, a jumbo dinky, yeah.

Because that's a jumbo donut.

No, because you're talking about interesting the catanus thing.

You're talking about that they're so sort of like puffed up that there's almost no real.

You can't really see you couldn't put your finger in it.

You know that there is no.

You could jumbo that, so then there's like almost no hole there, right?

So yeah.

A jumbo dinky is not the same as a normal sized donut.

Yeah, so a jumbo dinky would be the same size as a normal sized donut, but the hole is as tight as a dinky donut.

Like a lion's anus.

Okay.

Yeah.

Pop a thermometer in that.

You're picking up.

So yeah, okay, but it's in size of a normal donut.

Yes.

Yeah.

Because jumbo for dinky is normal, but we're just going to make the hole

to scale.

To lion.

Yeah.

To scale.

It's to scale.

So the hole is still the same as a dinky hole in terms of

how much room you've got.

I beg your pardon.

Well, yeah.

Excuse me.

We know what we're talking about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dinky donuts.

And how would the, would it be a bit like my breadcrust where you tear and share and dip the salt?

It's up to you.

If you don't want to share it, you can't.

I think the dip would also have to go jumbo.

So you've got the, that, that size would also, by the same amount, increase.

So you've got like a

pretty substantial size dip that

you can actually dip this jumbo dinky in.

Are we pushing the pot of sauce into the middle of the jumbo dinky?

I would like to.

That would be nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or we could do your wife's technique and like drizzle it on top.

Absolutely not.

Oh no.

Never do his wife's technique for

the sauce.

Okay.

So

the genie would like the hot sauce in the middle of the dinky large of the dinky jumbo donut.

Yes, but I would like to, well, no i wouldn't put the sauce in the middle i would want the sauce on the side and i would want to be able to pick up the donut and dip it into the big pot of sauce like i would do a dinky donut but with like the jumbo dinky and i would like to do it like that that's what i would like to do ed would like it i believe in the middle well i just i mean if this is so puffed up and there's you're not getting a pot of sauce in there are you you're gonna it's gonna do damage because it's not just gonna expand and the hole is gonna let you in

for god's sake come on we know what we don't you're gonna do damage to the Dinky Jumbo donut dough.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I'm saying jumbo dinky.

You're saying dinky jumbo?

Dumbo jinky.

No.

Jumbo.

Jumbo dinky.

No one's saying dumbo dinky.

No one said dumbo jinky until you've just said it then.

Yeah.

So, dinky jumbo.

That's how you're saying it.

That's the correct.

No, I'm saying it incorrectly.

So it should be, because it's a dinky that has been made big.

So it's.

A dinky jumbo.

Jumbo dinky.

A dinky jumbo would be a big donut that's been made.

A A dinky jumbo is just a dinky donut.

Yeah.

Okay.

I think.

No, that's right.

You're after

you don't know.

I kind of think a dinky jumbo is a jump.

It's a dinky donut because I think a jumbo donut

is even bigger than a regular donut.

So a dinky jumbo is a normal donut.

Yeah, so a dinky jumbo is a normal donut, but the hole is

normal.

Yes, that's a dinky jumbo.

A jumbo dinky has a dinky hole, but it's the size of a normal sized donut.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

I'll have two of them.

Yeah, I think then I'd like one.

Oh, which way is it?

Jumbo dinky, please.

I'd have one jumbo dinky with like a lot of the hot chocolate sauce.

And then I would like about eight of the dinky dinkies.

I mean, I'm not sure if I'm not sure.

I'm not even saying dinky jumbo now.

I think I was saying dinky jumbo.

I think it's going to need to be workshops.

I think I was saying dinky jumbo and you were saying jumbo dinky.

And then we taught you into saying dinky jumbo and then you said dinky jumbo and then we made up that was the wrong way.

No.

But then you've just said you want a plate of eight dinky dinkies which we've not even discussed yet.

Oh my gosh.

That's a cheat that's a weeto isn't it?

Yeah it's like a bowl of cereals.

It's a weeto isn't it?

I don't want weeto sized dinkies.

No.

Scrooms cordio jetty.

I want my little chef, my little thief, donuts.

And then I want the one that we've created as well.

Yes, okay, great.

For my dessert.

Thank you, everybody.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

Baffled, I'd imagine.

Yeah.

Water, two pints of neck oil.

Pottoms or bread.

The 11p Tesco tear and share bread, the vegan-friendly one that I'm going to make for you.

Doesn't exist.

Starter.

Two vegan duck pancakes from Chung Yings.

May course.

Vegan bap from Kim Chi Colt and Lil Bowwell.

Side, vegan bat and sausage, loads of salt and vinegar.

Yeah.

Drink, frozen margarita, homemade.

Little panic cleanser, Cal Pal sorbet.

Dessert, eight dinky donuts from Little Chef, Lil Thief, and one jumbo dinky.

Please, thank you.

It's a pretty good menu, actually.

It's a really good menu.

It's very inventive.

The Cal Pal sorbet.

Yeah.

You'll be surprised to hear we've never had that before.

No.

Okay.

Little chef.

Little chef's never.

Little chef's probably come up.

Maybe it's come up.

Maybe not as a menu item.

Thank you.

I like that menu.

I think it's a great menu.

I really enjoyed it.

Thank you very much for coming into the dream room.

Thank you so much for having me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What would you do if I broke into tears?

Wouldn't be surprised.

Well, there we are.

Great menu.

Great samosas.

Thank you for the samosas so much, Claudia.

Delicious samosas.

Above and beyond.

Yeah, much appreciated.

And real insight into her life, I thought.

Loved it.

Absolutely loved it.

Great episode.

Yeah.

Well done.

So she's earned a plug from that.

Bridgerton launches globally on March 25th on Netflix.

Very exciting stuff.

Very exciting.

And thank you, Claudia, for not saying Huel.

Yes, no Huel there.

Thank you.

No, no.

Thank you, Chrissy Tweets.

Thank you, Chrissy Tweets.

Thank you for tweeting.

I'm on tour.

My show's called Electric.

Get on edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

I'm all over the place.

I'd love to see you there.

Ah, I know.

I would love to see you there.

Yes, James will be at one of them.

One of them, but which one?

And he'll be hiding.

I will be disguised.

Yes.

So you have to go up to me.

I'll be in very good disguise.

And you have to say, James A.

Castor, I presume?

Yep, you have to say that.

And you have to hold that note for that long.

Yep, and only if you do that will I say and reveal if it is me.

Yeah, well, and then his disguise will unlock at the face like Arnie and Total Recall.

Exactly like that.

Yes.

But that's what those are the rules those are the rules

see you there thank you very much for listening to off menu we'll see you again another time bye-bye

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.