Ep 136: Fatiha El-Ghorri

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, reducing the honey of humor in the pan of good times and glazing the ham of success.

Wow,

of success.

Finally, we acknowledge our own success on the podcast.

Yeah, glazing the ham of success, the off-menu podcast.

It's a successful podcast, and we're not shy about it anymore.

No, and also I was just thinking about ham quite a lot, to be honest.

Yeah, yeah.

You thought about house.

Ham is a successful meat.

It's done well for itself.

It's done so well for itself, ham.

Although we don't think about big glazed hams until Christmas time, really, do we?

Not really.

I'm not sure.

How much do I love a glaze?

I guess

as long as the glaze really makes the outside, we have a crispy outside,

then I'm happy with it.

Otherwise, glazed just makes me think,

I don't want it too sweet, the ham, you know?

No, but it's just the outside.

I kind of do like a glazed, I like a glazed ham.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, listen, if you don't like that sort of conversation, you listen to the wrong podcast.

It's good stuff.

That's Ed Gamble there.

He likes a glazed ham.

My name is James A.

Custer.

This is our dream restaurant.

We're welcoming a guest into it, and we're going to ask them their favourite starter, main course, dessert, side dish, drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is

Fatia L.

Gorey.

She is a wonderful stand-up comedian.

So funny.

So funny.

Gigged with her many times.

She's newer, would you say, James?

A newer comedian.

Newer, but you know, we're old men now.

We are.

These young bucks all coming through.

But no, she's absolutely wonderful.

And we would urge you to seek out everything that she does.

If you look her up on Twitter and Instagram and all that stuff, and on YouTube, James.

100%.

Get on all those, you know.

All you young kids for your socials.

We're old men.

We don't know what.

Well, we're not old.

I don't want to lead into the old man thing too much, but you know.

No.

You know, we're actually pretty cool.

We're actually pretty cool.

And we're not 40 yet.

No, we're not 40 yet.

Cannot emphasise that enough.

Yeah.

However, listen, very excited the fatties on the podcast, but if she says the secret ingredient, an ingredient which we deem to be gross, then we do have to chuck her out the dream restaurant.

That's a rule for everybody.

No matter how much of a young buck they are.

Yeah.

And this week's secret ingredient is supermarket supermarket guacamole

guac we're just going with guac are we supermarket guac i think this might have even been my idea potentially i feel like this is my idea benito shaking his head what no this is my idea well i think maybe what's happened is is someone else had the idea you've thought that's a good idea and you've decided to say it's your idea That's the same thing.

No, that's not the same thing.

This is how you've done all your shows in the past and all come from ideas from Twitter that you've then you've taken.

You've thought that's a good idea.

I'll say it's my idea.

yeah that's not Richard Moreau's idea yeah Richard Moreau came up with supermarket guacamole and colders and you hate myself 1999 yeah full credit where it's due that guy he came up with the concept for this podcast yeah he's a clever guy he's a clever guy thank you Richard Moreau thank you please Dale supermarket guac man I mean look it is bad yeah it's bad fresh guac delicious fresh guac every day all those fresh ingredients maybe some citrusy lime's been squeezed in there you know some fresh chili, give it a bit of a kick.

Lovely, creamy, yeah, fresh guacamole, fresh avocados.

Supermarket guac is just diarrhea.

Green diarrhea.

Green diarrhea.

It's Shrek's diarrhea.

And what was so, what sort of thing would Shrek say while he was making the guacamole, do you think?

Oh, don't get it.

I shouldn't have eaten that avocado.

Oh, dog it.

Pass me the toilet.

I need the toilet fast, don't get it.

Oh, Oh!

Oh, Shrek are doing a mighty big green diarrhea.

Yeah, so that's what we don't want Fatia to say.

We don't want her to say supermarket guac, aka Shrekeria.

Shrekeria!

Hashtag Shrekaria.

Hashtag Shrekeria.

Do you like Shrekeria with your nachos?

Oh, imagine that.

Imagine Shrekeria on your nachos.

Even in a Shrek-themed restaurant.

And they said, what do you want with your nachos?

And you say guacamole, and they bring over a big green butt, and they press, they press a button, and it does check a natural.

Shrakarier, all over it.

Do you want cheese?

No, I'm fine.

No, I'm fine.

Thank you.

Yeah, leave it there.

I don't even want to know what you're getting it for people.

Put the big donkey away.

So, no, thank you.

So, the supermarket guac from Fatia.

Thank you very much.

Hopefully, she won't say it.

Very much looking forward to hearing

the off-menu menu of Fatia Elgory.

Fatia Elghory.

Welcome, Fatia, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you for having me.

I'm so excited.

I can't wait to start eating.

Welcome, Fatiha El Ghori to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

There he is.

The genie.

Thank you.

Were you aware that there was going to be a genie in this restaurant, Fatia?

No, I wasn't.

And I'm very happy to see him.

He's very cute.

I'm disappointed that he's not blue.

In terms of like favourite colour to have a genie, is blue your favourite colour for a genie to be?

Well, the only genie I've ever seen is the one in Aladdin.

He's my comparison.

So yeah, should be blue, really.

So you've got to sort that out, James.

Using the colours of the rainbow, would you rank favourite colour for a genie to be to worst colour for a genie to be?

Red is definitely the worst colour.

And I think the best one...

I think blue's nice, innit?

It's like a cool, calming colour.

Ed?

I don't think I know all the...

I'm just trying to work out the colours in the rainbow.

Orange.

Yellow.

Right.

Green.

Orange, yeah.

Is that the order?

How do you remember them?

Richard of York gave Battle in Vain.

So Richard is red.

Yeah.

Oh Jesus.

Ov.

Do we count the of?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Orange.

Orange.

Yeah.

York is yellow, obviously.

Yeah.

Gabe is green.

Yep.

B is blue.

Is there blue in there?

Because sometimes like you don't get blue smarties.

I don't know if they appear in the rainbow or not.

Okay, because but Skittles is taste the rainbow.

Oh yeah.

But do you get a blue Skittle?

No.

So that's mad for a start.

I think we should do an episode where we just cuss out Skittles for not having a blue one.

Yeah, I'll happily

stand by you on that.

I'll cuss out Skittles.

Any other confectionery you want to cut out before we

really get into it?

I swear purple is in the rainbow too.

Indigo violet in vain.

Oh no, but that's not purple.

Oh, is it indigo?

Well yeah, but that's pretty much purple innit?

Indigo.

Oh, it's like pink and purple innit.

What's it?

Is indigo pink?

Well, no, James.

no

indigo is i have got on pink lipstick look does that look like purple are we the sickest people to ever record a podcast we literally just sat here trying to work out what color indigo is it's january the 4th uh for the listener when we're recording this and i guess we're just all really burnt out

don't know anything you guys are that's why look i'm wearing yellow today because in place of the sun because there's no sun outside can you believe i've got all my front room lights on it's a joke, isn't it?

Proper joke.

I've got like 20 windows in my living room, and I've had to put the lights on.

Like, what the hell?

Wow.

You live in a greenhouse?

How you got 20 windows in your living room?

Yeah, 20 minus 14.

I was just exaggerating.

Quite some distance, actually.

Yeah.

All your lights on as well.

Like, how many lights are we talking in that room?

Four.

Right.

I'll just reduce that by three, given your over-exaggeration.

There's one candle.

You've got one light and no windows you're saying that you like to wear happy colours when it's you know dismal outside or stuff like that would you maybe wear an outfit that is just all the colours of a packet of skittles i've got i've got hijabs in all the colours of the skittles right apart from this indigo business i don't know what that is i've got a purple one and today because we're doing a food one i'm dressed like a custard what's it a rhubarb and custard sweet look yellow and red in it that yellow and red yeah see was that deliberate this morning you woke up and you're like i'm doing a food podcast today i'm dressing as a rhubarb and custard

yes

i was like i've got to do something bright i didn't want to wear like my black hijab i was like i don't like dark chocolate dark chocolate is the devil and um and then i was like oh well black pudding i can't eat because it's got pig in it

I was just crossing off all these things, trying to match my hijabs.

All the black foods.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're sort of not made.

I mean, I guess just burnt anything burnt, really, but you don't want to be dressing like that.

An olive.

Olive.

Black olives.

How do you feel about that?

I don't like black olives.

I like the green ones.

You know, you know, I'm Moroccan.

In Morocco, we've got like red olives, we've got white olives, we've got green olives, yellow, all different colours.

So I like those ones.

I don't like the black ones.

In Morocco, is the slogan for olives: taste the rainbow.

Is that what you were going to say?

Yeah,

literally the same person there.

No, but it should be.

We're literally, oh god, it's depressing.

We're the same person.

We're the same person.

I think you two should apply to change the slogan of Morocco to that.

Yeah.

Taste the olives.

Taste the olives.

Get him in the word made there.

Just taste the olives.

The slogan for olives in Morocco should be taste the olives.

It's straightforward.

I like it.

So we always start, Patya, with still or spark in water.

How do you feel that you've got a preference?

Absolutely.

Like, definitely still.

100,000%.

And it has to be like icy, you know, like when the glass is like, you know, it looks solid because it's so icy.

And sparkling water is a devil's son.

That is it.

So dark chocolate is a devil and sparkling water is its baby son.

I hate it.

It's disgusting.

For real.

Like, don't you think it tastes like aspirin?

That's what it reminds me of.

Aspirin, dissolving it.

You know, when you was little and you were sick and your mum would say, you have to have a tablet or whatever.

And then they put aspirin in it.

They said the dissolvable one and make you drink it.

That is what that shit tastes like it's nasty boycott it can we boy can we cuss it out after we cuss out skittles for not having a blue we can put it on your cuss list no problem yeah all right let's make a cuss list right so that's cuss number two sparkling water is disgusting is it number two or is it number three dark chocolate's been cussed out i'd say yeah oh yeah okay three yeah that's a triple cuss so far we're not we're not even past the water if dark chocolate is the devil and the son of the devil is sparkling water yeah who was the the mummy in that situation what did dark chocolate breed with in order to give birth to sparkling water celery that's another devil spawn of the devil it is it's disgusting oh hang on but it's the spawn of the devil fatty we need to get this family tree sorted because you're saying that celery is the spawn of the devil and yet also mated with the devil dark chocolate to make sparkling water no the the celery is the mum yeah okay so the celery mated with the dark chocolate and then it made that shit which is sparkling water that's how it is.

Celery is nasty.

It's like peppery.

It's all water.

There's strings in it.

What is that all about?

It's like something you'd find in your plughole, innit?

Like, I'm like, no, that's disgusting.

I'm sorry.

All the stringy bits and yuck.

There is string in it.

I mean, celery is one of the things I don't really like.

Like, I wouldn't often have raw celery, but I use it in cooking a lot.

You chop it up and put it in sort of stews and casseroles and stuff.

It works really well.

Takes that taste away.

So this is the problem.

I do use it a lot.

This is another issue.

Because we use it a lot in Moroccan cooking.

So, we have a soup that we make called harira and we make it usually during Ramadan.

And it's got like chickpeas, meat, coriander, parsley,

like vermicelli, is it called?

Or vermicelli?

It's like spaghetti, but they're tiny, they're like that.

Yeah, and all that, it's got all the lentils as well, and we put that in it.

But what I do is I either blend it to hell right or i actually kill the devil's wife that's what i do like killer or i like

chop it up in big bits and put it in and then when the food's cooked when i'm serving it i don't um i can see the big bits so i'll make sure they don't go onto anybody's plate ed's looking at me like i'm crazy well no i'm just thinking there's there's two wildly different things there that you're doing you're either blending it so everyone gets it all of the time or you're putting massive bits in and taking them out completely but when you blend it you the string bits get mashed up, so you don't get any of the string in there.

Do you know what I'm saying?

So, yeah, they all get destroyed.

So, it's okay.

So, I either do that, I either blend it or I put it in whole and then pick it out.

Does that still impart some flavor then?

It does, like a peppery, warm flavor.

But then, if I make it, if I put whole ones in there, when I sieve them out, I'll crush them before I put them in the bin just to make sure they're 100% dead.

Because I really hate it, like it's disgusting.

You tell yourself you're killing the devil's wife when you do it.

yes exactly like when I mean I'm sure I've mentioned this before because this is insane I'd never heard this before but the first time me and my wife had boiled eggs at the same time she finished her boiled egg and put a hole in the bottom of the shell and I said why are you doing that and she said so a witch can't use it as a boat right I'm pretty sure you've not mentioned that before

oh my god

yeah any other explanation after that yeah she was like well yeah you've all you always got to do that that's what you do

If you don't put a hole in the bottom of the shell, then a witch can use it as a boat and they can float around on it.

And I said, Well, that's insane.

That's that's just not true.

That's well, it's obviously not true.

She didn't think it was true,

but she'd always been told as a child to put a hole in the bottom of the shell so a witch couldn't use it as a boat.

And I think I even googled it, and there was like maybe you had to go like five pages down to find anything referencing a witch using an egg as a boat.

But then how big is this witch?

Well, I guess she's tiny.

Ridiculous.

Witches are

little tiny borrower of witches.

You see, now you've worried me, Ed, right?

Because when we make that Moroccan soup, all right, we put egg in it as well.

We scramble egg and then we pour it in.

And now I'm worried, okay?

Because if I don't crush that celery, that devil woman is going to get back to her husband, innit?

You're worried that the celery, the evil celery woman, is going to get in one of the shells and row back to the dark chocolate devil.

Yes.

Yes.

And make another spawn food together.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

See, I like your wife.

I feel like this was meant to be for us to have this podcast just so I can stop the spawning of the devil.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I think you probably would get on with Ed's wife, actually.

I think you'd get on.

Definitely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm pretty convinced.

I didn't know that, though.

I didn't know that.

I think I know Ed's wife fairly well by now.

Known each other for quite a few years.

And while that detail doesn't surprise me,

I'll just leave it at that.

Pop lobs or bread.

Pop lobs or bread, fatty little gory.

Pop lobs or bread.

Bread.

Oh no, the devil.

The devil's it.

The devil's it.

The celery.

No, bread.

100% all day long.

Bread, bread, bread.

When I was younger, we used to go visit my family in Morocco.

And we used to have, they still have it to this day.

They have like public ovens.

So you make your bread at home and then you take it to the oven.

So you do it in the morning, then it says, come back for lunchtime.

And then you come back and collect it.

And then it's all nice and warm for lunch and stuff.

So bread all day long.

That's incredible.

How do you know, Fatia, if you excuse my ignorance, how do you know that the bread you're getting back is the same bread that you made earlier in the day?

Because he puts a little mark on it.

So you know it's yours.

And then also like the tray that you give it to him in.

And there's a cover that you give him so he can cover the bread with as well.

That's always, but one time I went to collect it and he burnt it.

And I said to him, my grandma's going to have your balls for this.

so you better just give me someone else's bread otherwise seriously otherwise she's gonna come down there and tear you in half bruv just give me someone else's bread and then he was like no that it's gonna be fine I know your grandma's like all right obviously you don't so I went home he showed it to my grandma she's like if you don't come back with a different bread don't come back at all and I was like right okay

so

so I had to go back and fight him and then he had to give me someone else's bread so um and then that was that it does kick off in there sometimes or sometimes you get that it's not ready he's like come back in 15 minutes i'm like i've just made a fist tagine and it's ready like i need the bread now like do you want me to smash all these other breads up like give me my bread honestly what from what when you described it initially i thought that's quite a good idea and now it's this whole system sounds completely unworkable

he was just being a twat in it that's all and he didn't know who my grandma was that was the problem that was the biggest problem but yeah no it's fun and then you go and then you walk back and you put it on your head or whatever or carry it on your shoulder on your side and you walk back and it's nice and then but usually what i do is sometimes because it'd be so lovely and warm because it's fresh so i just pick either from the corners or the bottom so my grandma wouldn't see it because if you ate you know because and then she'd get to the middle and go there's a big hole in it but it's too late we've already eaten it what sort of what sort of bread

james you ask your question first i'm excited to hear it okay how would you smash all the other breads up how would i punch a hole right in the middle of them?

Or just if you just poke your finger into the bread, that just spoils the whole thing, innit?

That's what you do.

Like, just bang like that.

So you wouldn't even punch a hole through it.

You'd go around everyone else's bread and you'd just stick your finger through the middle.

Yeah,

everywhere, all over it.

Just so like it's got little pimples over it

like that.

And then nobody would eat that bread, innit?

Do you know what I mean?

Or you could lick it, that's another thing.

And then no one will definitely eat stuff you've licked, trust me.

Even pre-COVID, people won't do that.

I do.

If I drop shit on the floor, I pick it up.

I don't care.

Unless it's like in public.

And then I just rub it in my hijab, clean it in my hijab, and then I eat it.

Yeah, that's good.

Good answer.

I know.

I bet you're glad we're not close now doing this, innit?

I bet you're glad I'm in the studio, like 100% jams.

Yeah, that's why I said to Ben, let's do this over Zoom.

This man, what's your relationship with him, do you think?

How do you think he talks about you to his?

Oh, he probably hates us.

He's probably like, here comes that bitch and and her bitch grandma, little bitches, the family of bitches.

He's like, I'm telling you.

She's driving mad, going there, driving proper mad.

Yeah, no, hates us.

Now, the breads that are being brought, are they all sort of broadly the same sort of bread?

Or are people bringing little different recipes they're trying out?

No, usually it's the same sort of bread.

So that's just round.

It's a big round bread.

It's got a sh like a cover, like a shell.

You know, like how baguette is a bit hard on the outside, but it's not, it's a tiny bit, but not too, too much hard, just a little bit hard.

Are we writing down round bread as your bread course here?

Yes, round Moroccan bread.

We call it Moroccan bread.

Round bread.

There's other stuff people take to him.

Like you can make like a tagine and take it, like a fish one and take it to him and he'll cook it in there for you and then you come and collect it and stuff like that.

I don't trust this guy.

You've already told me he's completely unreliable.

I'm not taking my fish tagine.

If my family are like, like, Oh, you're cooking today, Ed, I'm not taking this guy, my fish tagine, for god's sake.

Yeah, no, trust me, he's he will do his job because my grandma will murder him-like, legit in the middle of the whole estate.

She'll murder him.

We still live on like an estate, and um, yeah, she'll murder him.

So, no, and she'll put him in the bloody target, I'm telling you.

She'll take over his business as well, so he better just watch himself.

But this, this is kind of my fear.

This is my fear: is that as someone who, you know, I'm not related to your grandmother, if I bought my fish tagine or some bread to this guy, I'd think, well, what if he pisses off Fatia's grandma?

And then Fatia and her grandma are killing him and, like, punching holes in all the bread.

And then, like, I've got to go and get my bread.

And it's just like, you've put your fingers in the middle of it and splashed in the tagine and everything.

I'm like, well, this is the worst.

That is very much a probability.

But there's loads of other, like, on the estate and in the area, there's loads of other ones you can go to.

We just used to go to him because he's quite close.

I think that's why my grandma used to go there because she knew if he messed anything up, she could just chase him down like quick time.

Do you know what I mean?

So, because he's the most scared, that's why she chooses.

There's a lot of other people who could do the same thing, but he's the most scared.

He's the biggest wimp.

So, she chooses him.

Probably.

She's mental.

God only knows.

I'm telling you, she just used to mix me and my younger sister up.

And I'd say to a grandma, like, because I look younger than my younger sister and i'd say grandma my sister's name's hafida and i say no grandma it's me fetihan she'd go no you're hafida and i'm like no i'm not and then she used to whack me with her walking stick i'm like have you gone mad like yoda she's like stop lying to me yeah she'd go

right on your head sometimes it just come out of nowhere i'm like honestly you love your back turned to her i'll be doing something and she'll just whack me and i'll go what are you doing she's like what are you doing i'm like can you not just ask me that verbally why'd you have to hit me like so did she think you were trying to play a trick on her where you were your sister pretending to be you?

Yeah, that's what she thought.

And I'm telling her, I'm like, no.

And my aunts are there, hello, there's like five of them going to her auntie.

Oh, mum, this, she is, that is Fetihan.

She's like, you're all liars.

And I'm like, okay, here we go.

And then we all get the walking stick.

So

it's a madhouse in my house.

Is there any point trying to dodge the walking stick?

Or do you all at that point just put your heads in a line so she can just run along and like hit all your heads?

Yes, you just have to submit because she'll get you.

If you don't take that first one, she's going to give you two when she catches you.

So just take the first one, take the hit, and then just, and then it won't happen again for the rest of the day until the next day when she has the same idea again.

Man.

Man, with all this information now, I think that guy, going back to the first encounter you described with this man where it was burned, and he went, your grandmother, I know your grandmother, she'll be fine with that.

What was he on here?

Yeah, what was that guy thinking?

Exactly.

I think he was just trying to fool me.

Big mistake.

Big mistake.

Also, what I like is that you said you want Moroccan round bread.

Now, Moroccan.

I always think Moroccan flatbread.

So Moroccan flatbread gets a lot of credit, but

is this unfair?

Is the Moroccan round bread really where it's at?

Well, the Moroccan round bread is the one we have with most meals.

So that flatbread, you'd have it for breakfast or you'd have it for like a little snack.

So like when you put tea down and then you put cakes and that, that's when you put that down.

There's another one we call pan bread as well.

It's called budbod.

That's how you say it.

And it's like, it's like a pit of bread.

You know, if you warm up a pit of bread and it starts to get big like that, that's kind of like what happens to it.

And then you cut it open and you fill it with stuff.

And

it's really nice.

But the round bread is the one you would eat with most meals, like with a tagine and stuff like, or you'd make a sandwich, you'd use that one.

I'd stop making pit of bread, not from scratch, but just using pit of breads at home because I put them in the toaster and I'd burn my face every single time.

I'm always burning my hands on steam anyway, because I'm because I'm ridiculous.

Like, I'll open, I'll probably put my head over the pan like this, and then open it.

I'm such an animal, and then it's like cooking, and I'm eating from it.

And my mum's like, Fetiha, you are a pig, you know what I mean, and all that.

And I'm just like, honestly, and she used to say to me, she used to say, if you eat food while it's cooking on the pan, it means it's going to rain on your wedding day.

That's what she used to say.

honestly so you think you know your wife's got some mad stories you should her and my mum should like meet up

it did actually rain on our wedding day fatia so yeah you've been eating from pans while they're cooking that's why i think you've definitely been eating from i mean there's no way it hasn't been eating from the pan

from pans when they're steaming all of the time you've got to taste your food as it goes along exactly and sometimes i just get so hungry i haven't got time to put it in a plate so i just eat it there it just saves time but my mum don't like it but anyway, just to set the record, I did married twice, and it didn't rain on any of the days, just to let you know.

I mean, they rained on my life, but it didn't rain on the wedding day.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don't think you've necessarily proved your mum wrong in that you know you've got married twice.

I don't, I think that's sort of the broad point she was making: don't do that, otherwise, bad stuff will happen.

Um, so you want Moroccan round bread from the scared man, yeah, okay,

Your dream starter.

Okay, this is crazy because we've just kind of a little bit been talking about it.

But my dream starter is Hovis granary bread or multi-seed

toast with butter.

That's my favorite thing in the whole.

Do you know what?

I've got a toaster.

Do you know where it is?

It's still in the box.

Okay.

I don't use it because if I use my toaster, I would eat bread every motherfucking day.

Do you know what I mean?

Like three times a day i'd eat it three times a day can you imagine what my poo would be like i would it would be a brick i just couldn't do it so yeah i can't but that's my favorite food like sometimes i go cafe and i'm like can i have toast and they're like no and i'm like what do you mean and they're like it's nine o'clock get out and i'm like okay as in like 9 p.m not a.m obviously they'd have to give it to me if it was a.m you go to the cafe in the evening try and get some toast yeah i'm like please can i have a bit of toast they'll do anything for the bit of toast please sir and they're like we're gonna call the police that's my favorite food.

Starter.

That is my favourite.

I'll be honest, it's a surprise.

You know, the bread selection, I was like, well, we've been transported to Morocco.

We've heard about lots of different foods already.

I was like, where are we going for the starter?

It's going to be some delicious dish I've never heard of before.

And you've gone with more boring bread.

More bread.

I love bread, but I can give you another starter if you prefer another one.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's your start.

This is your dream meal.

If you want Hover's Granary buttered toast, that's straight after your round of Morocco bread, then that's exactly what you're having.

Yes, that's what I want.

This toaster, yeah.

Did you buy it, or did someone buy it for you?

No, my mum brought it for me, and it's got four slices.

How evil is that?

How are you going to get me a toaster with four slices?

I live on my own.

Do you know what I'm saying?

You're deliberately trying to kill me now.

Yeah, it's just in the box.

I've never used it, it's in the box in the cupboard.

Like, I just can't because I will eat toast every day.

Like, you don't understand.

It's an addiction.

I need help.

So, if you did plug that toaster in, how many slices of toast do you think you'd eat throughout the day, but also how many per sitting are you having?

I think per sitting, I'd probably have six.

Okay.

I know that's a lot, innit?

That's a lot.

But that's what I'm saying.

It's an addiction.

I need to go to the...

What's that place called?

Is it the Ivy?

Is that where they do the rehab?

Is it the Ivy?

What is it called?

I don't think it's the Ivy.

No, that's the last place you want to go if you've got a food addiction is the Ivy.

There's a restaurant.

What's that place called then?

The Priory, the Priory, that's it.

Yeah, the Priory.

See, it does sound like the IV.

They've got the same letters in there.

Yeah.

Apart from the V.

Yeah, all the same letters.

So, yeah, you'll go to the Priory.

So don't turn up at the IV and go, you've got to help me.

I can't support in toast.

And they'll be like, you came to the right place.

Come on in.

We got toast.

She loves toast this way.

Fatia, if you took the scared man four slices of Hover's Granaried, would he toast them for you?

Yes, he would, but he'd probably try to bump me.

He'd be like, what bread is this?

What's this?

This ain't Moroccan bread.

I'll do it for you, but it'd cost a pound a slice.

That's what he'd say.

And then I'd punch him in his face for being stupid.

Do you think you're on the verge of that, though?

Do you think that by keeping your toaster in the box, aren't you risking one day going down to the scared man with an armful of hovis and being like, please just toast all this for me

and paying a pound a slice for the whole loaf until like you've basically overpaid for it and then punching the scared man in the face at the end?

I am on the verge.

Honestly, I just open the cupboard sometimes and I just stare at it.

I can't even buy butter.

Honestly, I can't, I just can't buy butter even because I will go mad with it.

How much butter are you talking on to the toast?

What are you doing?

Oh, it has to be nice.

It has to be like soaked in.

And the toast has to be crispy.

None of that soft shit.

Like when you spread it, it goes

like that.

Do you know what I mean?

It has to be like that.

And you have to do it all to the edges as well.

None of this bollocks just in the middle.

What is that all about?

All the way to the edges.

And then

sometimes I cut it in half not this diagonal bullshit and then

why don't you like diagonal why is that bullshit I don't like it it looks odd I just don't like the look of it and then if you cut it diagonally and if you try to bite the middle of the toast your cheeks get dirty and I don't like that shit why would you but why would you start from the middle is my question

you'd start on the point surely start on the point and work your way in that's how I eat sandwiches if it's a diagonal sandwich I eat one corner the other corner, and then the middle.

I don't know toast.

I just see it in films all the time.

They always go to the middle.

I'm like, are you stupid?

But that doesn't mean you would have to do that.

If you were eating diagonal toasts, you don't have to eat the middle because that's what they do in films.

I know.

I don't know why.

I think, you know what?

Because people don't like crusts, but I like the crusts.

Even like on pizza, I like the crust.

I keep the crust.

I dip it into whatever and eat it.

When I was growing up, there was a rumor that all the vitamins of the bread are in the crust.

So that's why you should eat the crust.

A hairy chest was what I was told.

You've got to eat your crusts, otherwise you won't get a hairy chest.

Well, that explains a lot.

Do you know what I'm saying, guys?

I thought it was because I was Arab, obviously not.

It's because I'm eating toast of the crust like a dickhead.

Do you know what I mean?

I ate all my crusts and I am as bald as a dolphin.

So little dolphin boy.

I wish I had that problem.

I wish I had that problem.

I watched that Beatles documentary over Christmas, Get Back, and there's a bit in it where they're in the studio and John Lennon is eating some toast.

It just seems like butter and toast and that's like pretty normal cheap bread.

And it two things happened when it when he was eating it, hey it looked delicious but also in my stupid head I was like wow John Lennon just eating some toast.

But that was what I think the effect of most of that documentary had on people is we were thinking it was absolutely amazing because it was the Beatles.

I can't believe the Beatles are doing that.

But it's just stuff that you'd have to do every day to function anyway.

He's just grabbing a quick bite while he's at work having some toast.

But I was like, I can't believe John Lennon just ate some toast.

I thought it was amazing.

That is why he's a legend.

Fuck his music.

It's because of the toast.

Yeah.

Where do you stand on this, Fatih?

For Christmas, I bought my wife a Breville toasted sandwich maker.

And she smashed a hole in it as soon as she used it.

It would be a good shit for a witch.

I had to take it back to the shop.

Sorry about this.

My wife thought a witch was going to sail away in it.

Honestly, like, I've not had one for ages, like a proper toasted sandwich where the edges are crimped, but it's like deep fill in the middle.

And we have had one, no joke, every day since Christmas for like two straight weeks.

They are amazing.

If someone brought you one of those, would that come out of the box?

No, because I'd be, do you know what?

I love cheese.

I'm like a mouse.

I love cheese.

Like, I would just have cheese and that and put egg in it and any all kinds of shit.

Sausages.

Yeah.

Like, maybe, like, do you know what?

This is a good one.

I'll tell you.

If you, if you boil the egg, cut it up, and then put bread, cheese, egg, and then cheese and then put it in that toaster thing amazing better than sex bro bread i'm telling you cheese egg cheese bread hard boiled egg yeah do that or you can do like an omelette you know like scrambled egg and then put it in there and then it's amazing mate i'm telling you you'll love it you won't leave your house i'm gonna do it tonight that's the last time you're gonna see ed james last time you're gonna see

we're filing we're filing a missing persons report in a few days yeah because if i eat one of those it'll be the last time anyone sees me because I'll fart myself to space.

Do you know what?

I had baked beans the other day, and usually they make me fart and they didn't.

So I don't know what's going on.

Honestly, I really don't.

I don't know if they've changed because I don't eat them because they make me fart a lot.

And I fart a lot anyway without beans.

I don't need no excuse.

Do you know what I mean?

So, like...

I don't know what's happened.

I think they might have changed the recipe or something.

So you must fart quite a lot when you eat the baked beans normally for it to be an event in your head where you ate beans and you didn't fart.

And that's like a proper thing for you that you've remembered.

I didn't fart when I had those beans.

What the hell happened to me?

Yes.

One time we was having dinner, like family dinner, and I accidentally farted at table.

My mum lost her shit.

She was like, Fetiha, tomorrow, you go Morocco forever.

And I was like, okay, mum.

Farting.

It was an accident.

Okay.

Morocco forever.

Yeah, she was pissed.

She was like, you are an animal.

Did you just claim to be your sister?

You don't work on my mom, just that mad grandma.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's a good idea, actually.

Good job, she wasn't there.

That walking stick would have gone straight up the button.

Yeah, exactly.

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I mean, main course?

What?

What?

What is this could it be?

More bread?

Well, there will be bread in this.

There is bread in this.

Okay.

So, one of my favorite, favorite dishes is it's a Moroccan dish.

It's a chart target and it's lamb chops and okra.

And it's so nice.

Do you like okra?

Love it.

So, you put like it's a rich tomato sauce, and then you put the lamb chops, and you put the okra, and it's just nice, and then you eat it with your hands and the bread you dip it in, and it's really nice.

Which bread are we talking about round bread here or um Hover's Granary?

No, man, that's toast only.

That one's restricted to toast, but um, the round bread, yeah, it's really, and I know like some people don't like okra.

We also call it's also called ladyfingers fingers here in the UK um because it's quite slimy but what you do is if you boil it in water boil it before you use it or put some lemon juice and water or vinegar and water or just water boil it it won't be slimy you can also already buy it chopped up and deslimed from like the shops and stuff like it's frozen I don't think I've ever had it slimy people always talk about this thing that people don't like okra because it's slimy so i've had that as a thing i i say it to people people yeah i if i'm talking about okra with people, which I do, I might say, Yeah, some people don't like it because it's too slimy.

And then I think in my head, I'd like, you never had slimy occurrence, and you're like, What do you want about it?

You just, I just say what I've heard, yeah, you know.

It was a big rumor started by Big Veg when they were trying to crush okra that it goes slimy, but no one's ever seen it.

No, I've seen it go slimy, and when I say slimy, yeah, I'm talking, you know, when you blow your nose and you pull the tissue away, and then the bogey follows it like for 10 miles, it's that's the kind of slime we're talking about.

do you know what i mean we're talking slime or slime do you know what i mean probably 10 mile 10 mile slime yeah man like you just it just forever you know like pizza cheese it's like that that's how that's how slimy it gets it's the one you're using fresh because you usually get it in fresh stuff well i don't know i i've just got it i've only made it at home a few times the other times i'm like you know just ordering it at restaurants and whatever yeah i've never had the slime issue yeah in the restaurant they would never let it get like that because it would put people off because it is a bit off-putting i've had it deep fried a lot as well so that's never slimy but you have it like sort of almost like tempura like with like a little batter on it or something it's so delicious so good and i love the different texture of it as well like you've got the shape of it is like a star and then like you've got those little balls inside and i love them like i've got a little hole in my tooth and my colleagues hate me for this but i'm always after lunch i'm always like

like that like a like a fish and they hate it they probably and they always get stuck in my tooth but i only got the hole in my tooth during lockdown I just haven't been dentist yet in it hang on so so you put the balls from the okra in your tooth and then you suck them out throughout the day well they just kind of go in there and then I just suck try to suck them out during the day yeah yeah I do get them out it just takes ages but I do but I also see it as a treat I'm like oh something for later

do you know what I'm saying when did you get the hole in your tooth how long has this been going on for since we was in the middle of the first lockdown I just can't get a dentist appointment and I don't want to go they're going to be like you need a thousand feelings or one for the whole.

They might say, your whole mouth is ridiculous.

Yeah, I could.

Maybe a dentist would say that actually.

I could see a dentist just looking in your mouth and going, your whole mouth's ridiculous.

Your whole mouth is ridiculous.

When I get rich, I don't know that that's ever going to happen.

Then I'm going to get Ryland teeth.

Oh, yeah.

I ain't really.

I'm joking.

My mum would smack me if I'd done that.

Yeah, but your mum would smack you for waking up in the morning.

We've established this.

That's true.

Send you to Morocco forever because you're farting.

You see what I have to live with?

Yeah.

I need to be saved, guys.

Someone needs to save me, please.

So the round bread is coming in again.

This is the same bread that you had before the meal.

Yeah.

And then you had, let's not forget, you had toast as your starter, but now you're getting the same bread again for your main course.

Are you not going to be sick of bread at this point?

This is the thing.

We have a lot of bread in our meals, Moroccan food.

It's always accompanied by bread like you don't have with the okra you don't have to have it you can just like we eat with our hands a lot like if you lot came to my house i'd probably put it in a plate for you and serve it and you know do a little bow and a curtsy and all that you know what i'm saying

and all that stuff um so yeah but we usually eat with our hands so we use the bread to dip and stuff like that but we'd also have like a salad with that so we have like a with there's moroccan vinegar have you ever had moroccan vinegar i don't think so no i don't have any i've run out and i would show it to you it's so nice it's really sweet.

And we always have a salad.

We've got a lot of vegetables in our diet and a lot of salads.

Always, every meal comes with a salad.

And the Moroccan salad is like tomato.

And then, like, how you do it, you just hold a tomato like that, and you just go

like that.

And then, and then you do onion, tomato, and cucumber.

And then you put a little bit of oil, like vegetable oil, and then the vinegar, and then you mix it up like that.

And then we have that with the salad with the meals as well.

And I love that, but this is the thing.

See, I like the sauce.

I don't like tomato.

Again, tomato is the devil's child, and so is onion, raw onion.

Suddenly, two more children.

I can't eat raw tomato and I can't eat raw onion, but I can eat them cooked.

If you cook, if they're cooked, I'll eat them.

Do you know?

It reminds me.

Sorry, I'm going on a bit of a tangent.

It just reminds me like my aunt, right?

Her kids, they used to moan about eating like Moroccan food.

They're here and they used to moan about eating Moroccan food.

Like we make this nice lentil soup with onions and stuff.

Like it's really nice.

and they used to moan if they see it they're like we're not going to eat it so she used to draw the curtains turn all the lights off and make them eat in the dark

right and they would be like oh my god mom this is the tastiest thing ever we love it well they found for it they found it yeah

because they're dumb that's why like who eats in the dark do you know what i mean i'm telling you what would you tell them it was burger king no she just said eat eat this you just do it and she's like watch the cartoons and eat, watch the cartoons and eat.

And they stupid were just like, ugh.

But it was good for them and it's tasty.

Sure.

I don't know how the light of the cartoons didn't light up the lentils enough for them to realise they were being tricked.

I know.

I don't know.

Well, they're thick, innit?

That's what I'm saying.

They're thick.

Sure.

Who does that?

I mean,

I guess they're looking at the cartoons.

They're not really looking at what they're putting into their mouths.

I mean, maybe you didn't need the whole room to be dark for that, but I guess if she was worried that they'd see the food in their peripheral vision or something.

so she wanted to just completely make it as dark as possible.

What a trick to have to do, and then obviously to tell other people about it.

She didn't just do that, she then told you and everyone else, here's what I do to make them eat their food.

I turn all the lights off, I draw the curtains, and I put the cartoons on, and then they don't notice, they tell me it's delicious.

It's like that restaurant, Don Lenoir, that one where you eat in the dark.

Have you heard of that one, Fatia?

No, but I think I need to contact them because they're like stealing my aunt's idea.

Do you know what I'm saying?

And that is one family you don't want to cross.

How does that work?

Is it just like, do you go in and are you blindfolded?

Is it completely black?

How does it work?

I think it's just really, it's really dark in there.

So you can't see what you're eating and you have to talk to people, but like in the dark.

It's been there for ages.

Although our friend Matthew Crosby walked past it during one of the sort of lockdowns, but when restaurants were allowed to open, they had outdoor tables.

What?

Don Lenoir had outdoor tables.

I bet you my aunt's kids work there.

I bet you they're the ones that come up with that dumb idea, isn't it?

I hope so.

If it's not them, I have a feeling that you, your aunt, your mum, and your gran are going to go there for a meal.

You're sitting there in the dark.

The waiting staff are going to come over.

Can I take your order?

Yeah.

How about you fucking go to motherfuckers?

And then all of you get up and you attack them and they're there in the dark getting beaten up by the Elgory's.

They knew it was going to happen.

And then they wake up and they've been sent to Morocco forever.

Yeah, yeah watch the cartoons

you go to morocco forever now

i think it's good you know like sometimes people don't want to try different cuisines and stuff like that sometimes it's nice because i don't like liver i hate liver that's another child of the devil like i just hate a big family the devil's got a big family now yeah he is on this podcast we always have a secret ingredient that if the guest says it we chuck him out and it's it's and it's a ingredient that we decide isn't very nice maybe we should start

calling it secret ingredient, call it child of the devil.

We should start calling it that this week's child of the devil.

Do you not like liver?

Livers, like, but this is the problem.

Like, I don't like it, I hate it, it's disgusting.

But one of my cousins cooks it.

I don't eat the liver itself, but the sauce that it's cooked in is so nice.

So, again, I just get round bread and I just like dip and then, you know, like that kind of thing.

I'll cook it.

If I go with my mum's or something, and she's like, oh, let's cook liver, then, but I won't eat it.

It's nasty.

It just tastes like iron.

I might as well just have 10 iron tablets, innit?

What is the point?

Seriously.

I love it.

Do you?

Yeah, chicken livers, I love lamb's liver with mashed potato, an onion, gravy, and bacon.

So, so good.

You've got to not overcook it because that's why it has a bad reputation because people overcook it and it's tough as leather.

But when it's perfectly cooked, when it's still a little bit pink on the lamb's liver and a little soft, succulent, delicious, and that does have that irony taste.

Oh, absolutely delicious.

You sound like Hannibal Lecter, man.

Leave it out.

If that's a child of the devil, then bring that child over here.

I'm going to give it a kiss.

Is that what you would say to Hannibal Lecter?

Leave it out.

If it was you walking up that corridor in Silence of the Lambs, walking up to his cell, and he was stood there in the middle of his cell, what would be the first thing that you say to Hannibal Lecter?

I'd say, stop your buffoonery and

tell me who the killer is.

Otherwise, you're never going to eat again.

Otherwise, I'm going to send you celery for the rest of your life.

You little prick.

That's what I would tell him.

It'd be a very different film.

Yeah.

Okay, sorry.

Yes, I will.

It was Buffalo Bill.

Buffalo Bill, did you?

Please don't buy.

Please don't bring your grandma.

She'll be straight in the cell.

Unlock it.

I don't give a shit.

Your dream side dick.

I'm gonna run to the loot very quickly.

Hold that thought.

Hold on a second.

Sorry, sorry.

I need to have a drink anyway, so that's good.

Yeah, you have a drink.

Look, I've got a little, you know, those cups.

What are they called?

This is like you've got a pint glass.

What's at the bottom there?

It's like a beaker.

Yeah.

The science beaker.

You've got like a little spout on it.

This is like the, you know, the cup that you have, like the

blenders.

Yeah, that's it.

It's a blender cup.

It is a blender cup, isn't it?

That is, you've got the measurements on the side, yeah, and a little spout and the attachment on the bottom, and you are drinking water out of that.

Why are you drinking water out of that, Fatgia?

What's going on there?

Um, because basically, I haven't washed the dishes today.

Um, this was the only thing I could I didn't want to get like a massive bottle of water and start chugging it in front of you, isn't it?

Like, sure,

is that what you want your water at the start of the meal?

Do you want that in uh a blender cup?

Yeah, oh hello Edge.

Um Fatga just revealed that she's been drinking water out of the blender.

She's just taken the blender.

I didn't haven't washed the dishes today, so I have to use this.

So like, see how cold the water is?

Is that the same blender that you use for celery?

Yes.

But I disinfect it.

And then all the hell gets out of there.

Yeah.

And you know what's good with this, yeah?

It's got the little mouth.

Hold on.

Can you see the little mouth thing?

Look, yes.

But you know that's like a pouring thing.

That's not a little mouth.

Yeah.

That's not so you can put it in your mouth.

That's not what that's there for.

It's just a lip on a joke.

But you know why it's good, yeah?

Because, like, if your mouth is greasy, then you don't have to, you can just go like that.

And then the water doesn't get contaminated.

Do you see what I'm saying?

No.

Oh, so if you've got a greasy mouth.

You don't get no backwash.

You don't get no backwash in the water.

Because you can pour it in like a jug of cream.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

And you can just be like, your mouth's a bowl, and you just, it tips it in accurately as opposed to a glass where it might go everywhere.

But you've got the little spout which directs it right into your greasy mouth.

Fatty, I have a question.

How often is your mouth so greasy that you're drinking a glass of water and it leaves pools of grease in the water?

Very rarely.

But sometimes like if I put like lip seal on, I've got a rose lip seal and then like, you know, like lip cream.

And then if I drink the water, it tastes funny.

I can taste it in the water.

So in these situations, such a cup is very handy.

It's quite a good life hack, actually.

If you've just

put lipstick on, you you don't want to transfer it to the glass.

Exactly.

Get yourself a jug instead, put it in there and just pour it into your mouth.

Exactly.

I'm so sorry I did a little burp then.

Forgive me.

Sorry about that.

Go to Morocco forever.

Forever.

That's the rules?

It's just a wall.

I apologise.

I did a burp not far.

Oh, sorry.

So where do you go when it's a burp then?

You got to get on the plane to Morocco and just before it takes off, you can come back.

Yeah.

Go to Morocco for a long weekend.

Backwash was such a big thing when I was a teenager.

Yeah,

it was less of a thing now, but I think we used to maybe when you're teenagers, you share more drinks and stuff, or like you give your friends a sip of something.

And back wash was always the big worry, wasn't it?

Everyone was like, no, backwash.

And you used to have to hold the can above your head.

Yeah.

Dribble it in.

And all that.

You know, there's 13 of us.

And at one point, there was like nine of us living together in one house.

So, like, backwash is a normal thing for us.

You know, like the same way my grandma would beat us all in one line.

She'd get us in the line and beat one at a time it's the same thing so i have a sip then it goes down to my little sister and then it you know goes from the oldest one so you're always getting back wash so the youngest one is just basically getting a cup of spit yeah exactly exactly semi-old spit that's why my immunity is like that of a lion

do you know what i mean

Because you're always drinking each other's spit.

Yeah, exactly.

Even if we weren't related, I'm sure we are now.

Do you know what I mean?

The amount of gallons of spit we've had.

I'm telling you.

Altered my DNA.

I'm telling you.

Dream side dish.

Even though I do like talking about back wash, and I agree with Ed about how big it was when I was.

I did learn how to drink a can without it even touching my lips or anything.

Yeah.

To do it in front of them, really make a performance of it as well to show to your friend that you weren't back washing.

Yeah, you've got to.

You've got to.

You've got to learn how to pour a can from a distance, otherwise, you're not going to make it through your teenage years.

Yeah.

Okay, so one, this is my favourite side dish, and it's hummus, but what it is, right?

So the place where I get it from is in edgeware road there's a restaurant there i think it's surian the restaurant i know it's got different names but in that restaurant it's called hummus beiruti so hummus of beirut and it's hummus and then in the middle they have chopped meat in the middle of it and it is amazing amazing again that would be something you'd eat with flatbread or you could just eat with a spoon I always eat with flatbread when I go there because they give you flatbread with it.

Have you ever had it?

No, I've had it.

It's so good.

Isn't it?

it's just the greatest like all those restaurants along edgware road anyway and like lebanese restaurants and syrian restaurants and all just the i think it's just the the best genre of food and the yeah hummus with it's lamb more often than not right like chopped up lamb yeah it's lamb you can i've i've seen a few places that do with chicken but i prefer the lamb i think they're like i've seen some places do it with beef too but lamb is better because it's the what the place i get it from is so succulent and so like it just melts in your mouth oh my god like my mouth is proper watering Let me just get my jug.

Hold on a minute.

Fill it up with all your saliva, give it to your sister.

But it's just, oh, it's so creamy as well.

Because I find sometimes I find hummus can cut your tongue.

I don't know if you get that.

No, what?

No, it can cut your tongue.

I find my tongue, you know, like when you eat, if you eat too much, like salt and vinegar crisps or and then you get that cut in your tongue.

Do you ever get that?

Well, maybe with salt and vinegar crisps, if you eat too much of those, maybe.

But like, they can feel a bit tender.

the old tongue you know

frazzed hummus i would say it's one of the softest things i mean

it's almost the softest food available really isn't it cut themselves on some hummus i think it's like it's not the texture as such there's something in it that just cuts my tongue i can't like on the sides it might be just the hole in my tooth it might be just a

scrag of tooth maybe it's like your mouth is ridiculous i mean we have established that your mouth is ridiculous if you're getting cut on hummus so when you say cut you don't you mean just like raw.

It makes it feel a bit raw.

Yeah, rather than it's not, you're not putting hummus in your mouth and it's like just slicing your tongue up immediately.

No.

I guess it's like lemon juice and garlic and all of that stuff.

Maybe, yeah, maybe that.

Do you know, actually, this is a good question to ask you because you know a lot about food and that.

But is there a

silo oh, there's coriander and then there's cilatrano, is it?

Cilaran?

Cilantro.

That's it.

Are they the same thing?

Yeah, I think so.

Because one time, right, I was at a gig.

I was doing this.

It's a corporate gig, right?

They fed us and they obviously didn't have anything that was hallowed because they're pricks.

So I had to have like the vegetarian option, which was fine.

And it was a burrito and it had all these vegetables in and I was eating it.

And as I was getting to like further, further down, I was like, this tastes like soap.

And a lot of people that have reactions to that cilatrana say it tastes like soap.

And then I said to a woman, I said, oh, I think there's nothing wrong with this.

It tastes like soap.

And she goes, no, you're having a reaction to it.

And I got all these lumps in my mouth, and I was panicking because I had to perform.

Do you know what I mean?

And I was like, and I was drinking like gallons of water.

I was like, oh my God, oh my God.

And it was okay in the end, but I was panicking.

But I don't understand because I cook with coriander all the time.

I eat it.

I just don't understand what was wrong with that one.

It might be the way they cooked it.

I don't know.

Do you use it raw ever or is it mainly cooked?

Both.

Both.

Both.

You know what I do?

I use that beaker cup and then I get it and I get parsley as well.

And I

it so it goes really tiny and then I put it in a bag and I put it in my freezer.

So whenever I want to cook with it, I just take a bit out and put it in.

Do you have any other cups?

Because at the moment you're using that cup for everything.

Yeah.

That cup's coming up a lot.

I mean do you have a toilet?

What's going on?

Are you just literally

everything goes in that cup?

Do you know what?

It's funny you should say that, right?

Because I live near a railway bridge.

So whenever people say to me, where'd you live?

I say, I'm a troll.

I live under the bridge.

And they usually give me money.

So, no, I'm joking.

They don't.

They don't.

They just never come to my house.

That's all.

You were definitely going to tell another story there, Fatia.

I can't remember.

Well, I asked if you weed in the cup as a joke.

And then you said, I've got a story, actually.

I live near a railway bridge.

And I was intrigued to see where this was going.

That was it.

I just live near a railway bridge.

And then

when people.

When people ask me, I always go, I live down there under the box.

Right.

And yeah, they feel sorry for me.

That's all.

I just make them believe that I'm a troll.

That's all.

I really thought we were going to get a story about you taking a piss in that cup.

Are you mad?

No.

But when I was younger, I tell you, I do have a story.

And when I was younger, I used to be obsessed with water.

So, like, I would just drink from the toilet, and my mum would at the door.

I know, this is

James's face, then, was honestly the most surprised I've ever seen.

It's just how

when Fatia tells stories, she doesn't tell the main bit of the story.

She tells the whole bit of the story the same as each other.

So there's no kind of like teeing something up and here's the main thing.

It's just the normal stuff and the headline is all said the same.

So just like when I was younger I was obsessed with water so I used to drink out the toilet and it's just like it's all the same.

And there's nothing there's no flagging up that here comes this.

It's just there you go.

I used to drink up the toilet like a little doggy.

Yeah, I legit did.

Like my mum would just come and I'd just

like every day.

They used to have to shut the door, but

they would shut the toilet door.

But if I if somebody forgot, that was it, bruv.

I was in there.

I was like doing a David Husselhoff dive and I was just

like that in the water.

Honestly, I used to be like proper bad.

Even in the bathroom as well, I would turn the tap on and just hold it like that.

So it just goes

everywhere.

How old are you?

I think about three.

So you could get to the sink and turn the tap on.

Not the sink, the bath.

The bath.

The bathtub.

But so you could drink out of the taps of the bath.

Yeah.

Why were you favoring the toilet water?

I have no idea.

I think it's the lion in me.

You know, I said, you've got lion immunity.

I don't know.

Animal, the animal in me.

I don't think you can invoke the noble lion when you're talking about drinking from the toilet

i used to do it in people's houses as well man my mum was like we can't take you anywhere

lovely to see you thanks for having us to your home excuse me where's your bathroom

is that fat you're talking there as a professor free you're yeah um when you drank up the toilet would you uh cup it in your hands and like bring it to your mouth or were you just fully putting your head in and lapping it up like a big like a a big lion so what happens is because we pray we have a little jug in our toilets yeah that we fill with water so every time you go toilet rather than using tissue you use the water to clean yourself yeah so i would fill that jug and just you know drink from it the bum jug yeah yeah exactly the bum jug so you would drink out of the bum jug yeah so i'd feel that and then drink not like that i'd drink from the rim or my hands whichever because i knew they would catch me so i had to do it quickly i was like i've got to get this fixed i've got to get this fixed got to get these germs in yeah so now we know why you insist on drinking from a jug yeah now it's exactly you've not changed remember listen still feeling like you're drinking out the toilet out the bum jug i am obsessed with the toilet now you know like i have to get all those you know those things you stick on the sides that whenever you flush a nice smell comes out i've got about 10 in my toilet like i'm obsessed with it like i bleach it every day i flush it every five seconds i know it's not good but i just like the smell the smell of those smelly things.

I probably drunk from a dirty toilet when I was little.

And someone's, we used to go to this woman's house, and my mum used to be like, don't ever drink from their toilet.

They don't flush.

So, like, I don't know.

That's another reason.

Definitely not the reason you shouldn't drink from the toilet.

She shouldn't have to say that to anyone.

Remember, when we're at this person's house, don't drink from their toilet because they don't always flush.

Did your grandma know that you were drinking from the toilet?

Hell no.

I'd be dead if she did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also, let's just quickly go back to the food before we move on to.

I mean,

it segues quite nicely into your drink of choice, which I assume is going to be toilet bowl water.

But just before we do, I think some listeners might be thinking, oh, Fatty's had lamb as her main course and she's having lamb in her side dish.

Now, we don't always say that, you know, guests' meals have to work well together as one.

It can be just whatever you like, but would you have this side dish with the main that you had typically?

Probably not.

I'd probably have something like chips, but those are my favourites, the things that I'm telling you now.

And if the listeners don't like that, they can suck my hijab, innit?

Yeah,

they can.

What you seem to mainly like is lamb and bread.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm a lion, innit?

I told you.

A lion heart.

I'm also, I'm an Aries.

I know that's not a lion, right?

But like, it's a fire sign, and so is a lion.

So is Leo.

So what is your star signs?

Can you guess?

I think you're a Taurus, Ed.

No.

And I think you're a scorpion, Jane.

Or am I wrong?

Both.

Yeah, both wrong.

Well, what is it?

Are you at Aries?

We might be born on the same day.

I love that your first guess was wrong.

So, your next guess was we were born on the same day.

Second guess, we were born on the same day.

Your dream drink.

Now, look, I don't want to, you know, make you feel too daunted by this, but you have got a lot of making up to do with this course.

Oh, no, this is probably going to disappoint you, but my favourite is Coke Zero, and it has to be icy.

It has to be ice cold, and that is my favourite drink.

Sometimes, like, if I go to Morocco in the winter and I order it in a cafe, I go, can I have a Coke Zero?

And they bring it, and I'm like, this is room temperature.

Are you stupid?

Go and give me ice or give me the one at the back of the fridge.

Like, seriously, I'm like, what kind of shit is this?

And then, if I ask for ice, they look at me like I've just stripped down naked or something.

They're like, how can you have ice?

It's cold.

And I'm like, bro, I'm from England.

This is summertime.

Shut up.

Give me my ice.

Do you deliberately go to the cafe run by the most scared man?

No.

I mean, I have to say, I think they're all going to be scared.

It's very early use of the term, are you stupid?

Really early, really early doors.

Coach hero comes to the table.

What is this?

Are you stupid?

Oh, man.

I'm in trouble.

I know, that's like my go-to thing.

I always say that.

Like, postman buzzes me, gets the number wrong.

I'm like, are you stupid and then and then i don't get any of my posts and then i wonder why innit yeah yeah so why coke zero instead of diet coke because i can tell the difference you can tell the difference yeah between diet coke coke zero and normal coke i can tell the difference so like

diet coke tastes a bit artificial i mean i know they're all artificial i know it's like diet coke is a bit it tastes a bit pepsi yeah kind of i can also tell the difference with pepsi i hate pepsi pepsi is another bastard child of the that with a bastard child, not the one he had with the celery.

Yeah.

He had it with someone else.

That is, I hate that drink.

It's disgusting.

James is going to tell you something awful that he, one of his opinions now.

Strap him for this.

James?

I prefer Diet Pepsi to Diet Coke or Coke Zero.

Oh, James.

You're lucky you're not in the studio, bro, because you would have got punched, I'm telling you now.

Yeah, like a loaf of bread.

My second question is, are you stroking?

Coke is the best.

I like Diet Pepsi.

I think it's got it's got some more like interesting notes in there going on.

It's got some different flavours buzzing about.

Diet Coke, Coke Zero, they're fine, but I find them a bit boring, a bit flat.

You know, I like the...

I like the...

I like the Diet Coke with lime.

I've enjoyed that when they've brought it out.

But

otherwise, Diet Coke and Coke Zero just feels like it might as well just be Fizzy Water, a bit boring to me now.

Whereas other things, a bit more interesting, aren't they?

Excuse me while I die.

Oh my god, how dare you compare it to Fizzy Water?

Oh my god, it's disgusting.

If I go to a restaurant and I say, can I have Coke?

And they say, we've only got Pepsi, I say, okay, I want Sprite.

And then they go, we only got seven up.

And I'm like, this is ridiculous.

Is this a scam?

What is going on here?

James, I should tell you something.

Fatia won't drink Pepsi and she literally drinks from the toilet.

Yeah, I mean, that is something, that is food for thought.

I've got to go away and think about that because if a toilet drinker is saying that Pepsi is disgusting, would you drink Diet Pepsi from a bum jug?

Hell no.

It would be more appealing to you then?

Also, cloak in a glass, if you have it in the glass, you know where they open it like a beer, like a proper glass

bottle?

That is the premium drink.

Because I don't know the plastic, I don't buy, I get cans anyway.

But like if you have it in plastic or a can, it's not as fizzy as if you have it in that glass.

Because I don't know what it is, it's just great.

Like that is the best.

pepsi from a glass i think you're right i'd go number one from a glass bottle number two from a can number three plastic bottle yeah that's the only way to rank them i think i agree see you've redeemed yourself there james a little bit clawing it back clawing it back um i want to know what it is about coke zero that tastes different from diet coke though i can't tell the difference ed yeah i absolutely can tell the difference yeah you can tell the difference you can't fully can tell the difference coke zero is like supposed to be what regular Coke tastes like, right?

Right.

Yeah.

And it's that is, I mean, you can definitely tell the difference in the taste.

Diet Coke's a bit more, I can, if I'm drinking Diet Coke, I can feel like I'm being hydrated as well.

Like it's slightly thinner, it's still tasty.

I love Diet Coke, but it's slightly more watery.

Whereas Coke Zero, it's a fuller flavor.

Yeah.

It doesn't feel like it's hydrating me.

It fills me up more.

Yeah.

No, I agree with Ed.

Ed, you're the best.

You're not the first guest who feels this way.

How long has it been since you did you drink normal regular Coke

every now and again or have you not had it for a long time?

Sometimes, if I go to a restaurant and I say can I have Coke Zero, they say we only have diet, then I'll take the diet.

Sometimes I'll have full fat, if that's all they have or something like that, then I'll have it.

But sorry, excuse me, that toilet water's coming back up on me now.

So yeah, I don't have it a lot, only if it's the only available thing.

So to you, it's like Coke Zero, basically, that might as well be a Coca-Cola.

I guess it really tastes good diet drink, yeah, 100%.

Yeah, I'd say that that's how I feel.

I'm glad I've converted you.

Fatty is doing a lot of eyebrows and uh and air quotes there when she said, I'm glad I've converted you.

Yes, I have to do this in my eyebrows.

Do you know how long it took me to paint them on?

No,

I can take advantage

now.

Now, definitely, you know, you're drinking out the toilet days are over because you stick your head in the toilet, come out, no eyebrows.

It'll all run off,

yeah, dead giveaway straight away.

Have you been drinking out the toilet again?

No,

your hijab is dredged, you got no eyebrows anymore.

You know what?

Sometimes a sentence happens in an episode that you never thought you'd get to.

And I never thought

I'm not sucking that hijab, it's been in the toilet, which would come up today.

And I'll be the one who says it.

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We get on to your dream dessert now.

Oh, man, this was a tough one, honestly.

But I think my dream dessert is a Mars ice cream.

Oh, yes.

Have you had those, guys?

No, no one's ever said it on the podcast.

This is a huge shout because I sort of agree with you that that is one of the

best desserts.

I love a Mars ice cream.

Oh, my God.

Don't you think it's like better than the chocolate bar itself?

Oh, so much better.

Mars chocolate bars are pretty low down on the list of chocolate bars.

Mars ice creams.

Woo!

They are the best.

Because you know, like, they've got the chocolate.

I don't know.

See, look, I'm going to cry

it's just so well-proportioned.

Like, the chocolate is not too thick, the ice cream is just right.

You know, the caramel.

Usually, when you have caramel in something cold, it hardens.

This doesn't.

And I don't understand how.

How have they done that?

I need to marry the person that made it.

It is magical.

And

it's one of those things.

I remember the first time I had it.

And it blows your mind because you don't know what to expect.

You bite into it and you don't really know, you know, all you've got as a reference point is a normal Mars bar.

You've had Mars bars in the fridge before, maybe, so you're thinking, will it be a bit closer to that?

Bite into it, and like you say, the caramel catches you off guard.

The nice crack of the chocolate on the outside.

And it's the,

because it looks so much like a Mars bar.

So much like, even like this printed on the bottom has like the logo printed on the bottom.

And then, oh, you take that bite.

And that is, it's just a bit, it's a bit of genius, isn't it?

Tell me, Fatih.

I don't think I've ever had a Mars bar ice cream and then not immediately had another Mars bar ice cream.

I was gonna say that.

Yeah, I do.

I have them in twos, so I buy like there's four in a packet.

If you get like you can get them for like two pounds or something, when they're on offer, they're like one fifty or something, and then there's four and I always have to have two.

I cannot yesterday, I think I had two, and they were my last ones, and I was like, I cried.

So you'd like two for your dream meal?

Yeah, two.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's funny.

I was about to say the same thing.

They're never big enough.

And it isn't is it's a thing where maybe there's a thing they can't make them bigger than that.

They can't do like a Mars ice cream duo.

It might melt.

Yeah, it might melt.

Or I guess you've got to think about the average freezer size.

You can't be getting a big long ice cream like that, can you?

Because I'd want them like 30 centimetres plus, really.

Yeah.

And they break, they break if they, yeah.

So you just have two.

It's not a problem.

And they're so delicate, like, if they're so different from the actual chocolate bar, the chocolate on the outside is just thin and brittle and just, oh my God, it's just, and you you know, like sometimes if you take too long eating it, and then it melts, and I just rip the whole packet open, and I'm like,

like, do you know what I mean?

Like, the whole, I'm like, there is no bit of ice cream in my chocolate that is not going to go in my mouth.

And sometimes they drop on, they might drop on my hijab or on my clothes, and I just lick them back up.

I'm just like, bruv, you know, one time I found, I had it on my chin here.

I don't know how it got on my chin, it was here, it was right, and I could smell chocolate, and I was like, why can I smell chocolate over there?

I don't understand.

Like, and I think it must have got like on my, on my neck here, and then I must have linted that.

And then it, because I've got 20 chins underneath here.

This is so good at covering them.

I'm like a turkey, but you can't see that.

Do you know what?

I had to get a baby wipe.

Do you know what I mean?

Because there was just so much chocolate everywhere.

It was all up here.

And it was insane.

But anyway.

And then did you eat the baby wipe so you didn't waste the Mars?

No.

Yeah.

I'm really happy that the Mars ice cream has had a shout out.

I think you're going to have a lot of people agreeing with you there.

What do you think of the other chocolate bar ice creams that are out there because there's a there's a a few that have come about over the years i'd say you're right in singling out the mars as the king of it but like are there others you like there are two others the twix one's quite nice it's not too bad the other one i like is the oreo because i like it but i don't like the one that's covered fully chocolate i just like the one that's the biscuit ice cream biscuit like that i like that it's a little bit salty and i like that sweet v salty kind of taste you know Snickers one no because I don't like peanuts they're the grandkid of the devil oh but you know what I do

do you know what someone's gonna draw out this family tree

you can keep your eyes on Twitter after this goes out someone is gonna take the time to draw out the devil's family tree and you're gonna see it I'd forgotten the Snickers ice cream now Didn't the Snickers ice cream, did the nuts come covered in chocolate as well?

Individual.

I've got this memory now that the individual peanuts in the Snickers ice cream cream were covered in chocolate I don't think so no so I don't know where I've got that from or maybe I've got it from an ice cream tub maybe a tub of Snickers ice cream maybe because they did those as well with twix and Snickers the Snickers ice cream is essentially like the Mars ice cream but you know just with just with the the peanuts and the caramel really right right it's crap man it's crap

see I like peanuts a lot so I I love them.

We make some desserts in Morocco, like not desserts as much so much, like pastries.

There's ones that we call brewette, and they're like triangle like this, and they're filled with

grounded peanuts and cinnamon and rose water and things like that.

So, those I can eat, but to eat an actual peanut, I allow that shit, bro.

You can't eat them though, can you?

Because they're triangles, so you bite into the middle and get it all over your cheeks

straight away.

I'm gonna read your menu back to you now.

Yes, so you feel about it.

Yes, water, very icy, still water out of what we're talking.

What What receptacle?

Just to be clear.

A big cup.

A big cup.

A big cup.

Okay.

With a spout?

No.

With a flush?

Just a big glass cup.

Publubs or bred wanted round Moroccan bread from the scared man.

Starter, Hovis Granary toast with butter, six slices.

Main course, tagine with lamb chops and okra with the round Moroccan bread coming back again.

Side dish, hummus beruti with lamb.

Drink, ice-cold glass bottle of Coke Zero.

Dessert, two Mars ice creams.

Yeah,

feels good.

That feels lovely.

My stomach is full just from thinking about it.

I love it.

I love it.

Fertia, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you for having me.

I've had a lovely meal.

Do I have to pay for this shit?

Because I don't pay for this shit.

Okay, good.

You're the last person we're going to make pay for any of this.

It is free for life.

Well, there we are, James.

What a great episode.

What a great episode.

So many details.

Learned so much about Fatia all the way through.

Yes, we know more about her than we ever thought we'd know.

I'm so glad I kept pushing on that point about what she was drinking water from, James.

Otherwise, we would have never found out that she used to drink water from the toilet as a child.

Yep, she would have just passed off.

The story was,

I'll live near a bridge.

That's not the story, is it what's the story well I used to obsessively drink out of the toilet okay that's more of a story yeah she's a master of burying the lead check out fatia on Twitter Fatia Elghori on Twitter and Fatia.elghori on Instagram keep an eye out for what she's doing in the future

she'll be doing plenty of gigs and TV shows and all of that sort of stuff she's absolutely brilliant I'd like to thank Fatia for not saying Shakaria she didn't say the secret ingredient that was good hummus came up wasn't wasn't supermarket bought but I was like uh oh we're in dip territory we are we were in we were in the dip territory and supermarket hummus i feel like that should sort of be a secret ingredient as well but well we should we should get nish kumar on uh again just so we we can make that a secret ingredient and have him kicked out because he he eats that with a spoon he does the thing is i would still eat it but now i've had like good proper authentic hummus then you can't help but be reminded of that when you have supermarket hummus yeah sure yeah yeah i mean so maybe if we get nish on again we make that the secret ingredient and we see if we can kick him out because that would be funny straight away.

Yeah, it would be funny.

Yeah, yeah, if he'd have that as his water course.

I am going on tour, James.

I might be on tour already.

Who knows?

The show's called Electric.

It's going all over the UK.

It's a good show.

And you can buy tickets for it from edgamble.co.uk.

Thank you very much for listening, everyone.

We will see you again next week.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episodes.

They can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito has bent to their whims, and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok.

At Off Menu Podcast.

On YouTube, you can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes, so you can see every single nuance on our little faces.