Ep 135: Tom Davis

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

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Welcome to the Off Menu podcast.

That's the intro.

What?

Taking the butter of conversation.

No.

Spread it over

the bread of comedy.

Put it in the toaster of the internet.

Yeah.

What the hell are you making?

well i guess we're breaking the toaster

just like we broke the internet just find ricket ralph

i love it i was thinking about doing a toasted sandwich but i couldn't remember if i'd done that before or not yeah that's where i thought you were going imagine if you were going in exact in the exact direction i was thinking about it would have been quite scary but luckily no you were spreading on the butter to bread and then putting that in the toaster yeah yeah pretty tired boys aren't we yeah i guess we must be pretty tired we got up pretty early to interview someone who cancelled on us and uh and now uh

we've been here all day, so we had another four days of recording after that, so yeah, we're pretty tired, boys.

But, uh, you know, this is the off menu podcast.

Yeah, we own a dream restaurant, Ed Gamble's the Maitre D over there.

I, myself, am a genie waiter, and we invite in a guest and we ask them their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is Tom Davis.

Tom Davis, comedian, actor, writer, very prolific, James.

Very prolific, always funny.

Can't wait to have him on the podcast.

Very prolific, always terrific.

What?

Oh, yeah, I love that.

He is extremely funny.

Most things he says makes me laugh.

Yeah.

He's extremely funny.

He is in a new show called The Curse on Channel 4, an 80s crime comedy.

You're talking my language, man.

I'm very excited to watch it.

You love crime comedy, do you?

I love crime comedy.

Yeah.

I always say that.

I love crime comedy.

You should tell Tom that.

I'll tell him.

I'll tell him that I love crime comedy.

You mark my words.

I'll do it.

Okay.

But it's him and the guys from People Just Do Nothing.

Which I love as well.

Yeah.

and emer kenny is in it as well oh man yeah kidding me this whole thing is is like full to the brim with talent

seems i'm very much looking forward to watching it but not as much as i'm looking forward to hearing tom's dream menu but all that aside if tom picks an ingredient that we have pre-established that we don't like we will kick him out of the dream restaurant and when we say we benito said he he'll handle it yeah he said he'll handle it himself he can take him because a lot of you don't know what benito looks like bonito six foot nine yeah he's humongous.

Big old guns.

And a lizard's tongue.

A lizard's tongue.

Imagine that.

So he will kick out Big Tom Davis if he says the secret ingredient.

And this week the secret ingredient is...

Jack Daniels.

We promised it.

We said Southern Comfort a couple of weeks ago.

Jack Daniels, just as bad.

Gets talked about with more reverence as well.

East Southern Comfort is like, you know, just like accepted as being kind of blur.

Jack Daniels gets talked about like it's the king of whiskeys and it really, really isn't.

No, terrible.

be able to put coke with it.

It's not nice supposed to be rock and roll.

It's disgusting.

It's a weird square bottle.

I hate it.

Yeah, I would actually respect it more if they just really leaned into just have it with Coke.

Yeah.

Because they do lean into it a bit.

You get it in cans of Coke, I think.

But like, just go, it should just be, just have it with Coke.

Then I'm like, okay, cool.

This is just a whiskey that I can have with Coca-Cola.

If I want a whiskey in Coke, this is the one to have.

I don't need to get too precious about it.

No need to ruin a good whiskey.

But it's all the long

soliloquies.

Soliloquies.

Soliloquies?

Gordon Bennett.

Jack Daniels.

Gordon Bennett is the British Jack Daniels.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd say Jack Daniels, the booze that I've most poured down the sink.

Yeah.

After a party, someone will bring a bottle of Jack Daniels or I'll just have a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'm like, right, I'm clearing all the booze out.

Yeah.

Or I'm moving.

And I'm not taking that Jack Daniels.

That's going straight down the sink.

Big old square bottle down the sink.

Yeah.

Sorry.

But, you know, R.I.P.

to Lemmy.

Lemmy.

Yeah, yeah, sorry.

Lemmy's alive.

Lemmy's alive.

He's alive.

So you really gave everyone a real shock there.

Sorry, everybody.

Lemmy, we're talking about.

Lemmy is alive and he's teased.

Lemmy's alive and he's teetotal.

Yeah, you couldn't have got that more wrong.

Yeah, but Lemmy from Motorhead, love Jack Daniels.

MS and peace to him.

But before we get to Tom Davis's menu, of course, let's not forget that I'm on tour, everyone.

My show is called Electric.

It is on tour right now.

Go to edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

I'm loving it so far.

Why don't you come and love it with me?

But now, this is the off-menu menu of Tom Davis.

Tom Davis.

Welcome, Tom, to the Dream Restaurant.

Wow.

I'm so honored to be here.

I've been.

Welcome, Tom Davis, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

I've had a reservation here for quite a long time.

Yeah.

And I'm so happy just to be sitting here just looking at you two.

It's just a joy.

Now, the genie entrance there, I mean, I've seen the genie entrance maybe 140 times.

Yeah.

It's the only time I've ever heard it trail off.

Normally it's just bang, we're in.

And there was a little wisp at the end there.

I don't know if you noticed.

I was floating down.

I melted a bit when I saw that.

It was just,

you know, like sort of you can get indulged with pyrotechnics and all the craziness.

Sometimes it's just A-Caster just doing.

It felt like magic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's everything I dreamed it would be and a little touch more.

Thank you, Tom.

It was it.

Yeah,

I thought take your time today, you know?

Yeah, take your time.

You were big Tom Davis.

We know we're in good hands.

I feel like take your time.

Everyone's in good hands.

It's like we're all holding each other's hands and we're going, you know what, I think we might have this.

Yeah, it might be okay.

I mean, at the end of the episode, someone goes, that was fucking terrible.

They all got very arrogant at the top of it.

Oh, yeah.

Some people...

The best criticism I heard about this podcast, I can't remember what episode it was, but it's when I was still on social media.

Yeah.

And someone said, heard your episode with whoever the guest was.

they like the sound of their own voice

and i was like that was a podcast we're interviewing them they respond they responded to your questions yeah they like the sound of their own voice and they're going yeah you're obsessed with food um it's insane criticism

i i'm just the show the new show went out last night and it's just

that mad thing of like such nice positives but then you just get the odd negative which just yeah and i made a mistake this morning at like 4 30 this morning waking up with my daughter and doing a sort of night feed and like a cherished moment and then i looked on twitter and i just sort of sat there just with tears in my eyes just thinking fucking that guy from barnsley

really should have worked a little bit harder what could i have done what like it's really sad because as a comedian there's all certainly myself i always find that thing like there's a massive part of me that just wants to be liked for someone who's sort of bullied at school or whatever and like sort of pathetic need to sort of like you know like everyone at school the nerds the jocks walking around going oh yeah just like me i have nothing in common i'm not clever i'm not good at sport but just like something something about me.

And that's sort of like transcended into what I do now.

So as soon as I get any negativity, I'm like, sort of, oh, God, like, maybe if I just went to his house, knocked on the door.

I'm like, hey, mate, are you right?

Look, I'm actually all right.

It's that thing of no matter how many people tell you, but look at all of these good comments.

People love it.

There's like a hundred good comments for every one negative comment.

You're like, no, but one negative comment is worth a hundred comments.

Always a guy who's got a very, very grey-looking sort of human being who's usually got sort of quite sort of like far right leaning sort of views of the world.

Yeah.

And it's sort of which usually I think, oh actually, he's probably quite like me.

Yeah, he's really got to hate actually what you're doing, what you're putting out there.

Yeah.

Loathe creatively.

Because on paper I'd love that kid.

I should want in the world.

So overlook the fact you're a big white bloke.

Can't even take that into account.

What he's producing is awful.

How turgy the shit he's putting out is.

But, you know, don't listen to that one guy, Tom.

I try and sort of move on.

I try and get on through the curve.

The curse feels like it feels like you're.

You're referring to the curse.

Yes, the curse.

The show, the curse.

That's the name of the show.

That's not the curse of the comedian to look for the bad comment.

The curse of the story of the curse.

Yeah, no, the curse, Channel 4.

I'm looking forward to it.

I genuinely am going to watch it.

I'm not just saying it just to...

I love crime comedy

as a genre.

Yes, not where I thought you were going with that.

No, but I thought you said the like that you like all the people in it.

I love you, obviously.

I love people just do nothing, so like I think those guys are in it.

It's uh yeah, I think it's yeah, it's fun.

It's sort of weird one because it's been like four or five years of writing it, yeah, to sort of now have it out there.

I always find it so nerve-wracking that sort of the day before and the day it goes out and then you're just waiting for reviews.

But yeah, it seems it seems people like it, people enjoy it.

I di the other thing I've been getting'cause'cause I think like doing King Garry was such a sort of personal piece.

all of a sudden I've had quite a lot of people going, why don't you just not like just do the King Garry character?

Well, a character actor, that's like, it'd be quite fucking lazy, wouldn't it?

If I just sort of struggled with everything I did now is Gary King, because it's sort of slightly so it's yeah, but it's been a real labour of love.

I'm really proud of it as a show.

And I hope, yeah, I hope people enjoy it.

Apart from that one going Barnesley's really.

Let's not hang around on that guy.

He's going to be listening to this going, I want, I did.

Or he's listening to it going, it was only a joke.

He's a comedian.

He loves this podcast.

He's

for a laugh.

It's weird, isn't it?

People come up to you and go, Why don't you just do that?

Same character.

Yeah.

Because if you do the same character, is it fair to say people would go, why don't you just do something different?

Do you just do the same thing?

Yeah, it'll be a real mix of, yeah.

I mean, you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't, and that's just life.

What you should do is just have a podcast.

No one ever says that to us.

No one ever goes.

I do.

That's quite sad.

I have a podcast.

I listen to it.

I don't listen to podcasts now.

why would you oh this is the biggest one in the world

who's told you that's when you're it's like you haven't been in the

biggest football teams in the world you're not looking below you you're not going what's going on in the conference watching the local clubs

are doing well give a fuck i'll just run the premier league forget it

forget it you have a great podcast with romesh yeah called wolf and owl yes which i hadn't heard up until like three months ago and then i put on an episode i was like oh i really like this and then i listened to all of it oh wow about three days oh amazing so you were living in my head for about three days that's where that's the only person i wanted to be

who's the wolf and who's the owl well guess i'm the wolf strong leader ron mesh is the bookish owl yeah yeah he demanded upon that name but yeah he's uh yeah it's a lot of fun but everyone who writes in with an email they they have their own sort of animal nickname yeah that's that's only become a thing look if i'm honest we we recording like just for our own amusement for about we did about 30 pilots of it just pissing about because and we just thought none of them were any good.

So, then we just, I think, called it a name that no one would, if it was shit associated with either of us.

Um, we should have really called it like the Tom and Rom show or something like that.

Yeah,

Tomish.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really lame.

Yeah,

um, uh, yeah, and then this animal pack thing's growing, and people seem to sort of call themselves like a crocodile.

Do you want to give us some animal names?

Uh, I think um the leopard is interesting.

You're loyal and you never change your spots.

Um, okay.

I like it.

I'd have thought I'd got the meer cat or something like that.

No, yeah, no.

A bit more of a meat fan.

The worm, the little worm.

The little worm?

I would go with the rhino.

Oh, yeah, I'm happy with that.

Yeah.

Because he's strong.

Because he's horny.

Yeah.

Because I'm horny.

And grey.

Yeah.

Quite grey.

I don't look well.

Yeah, he looks quite ill at the moment.

But I'm horny as hell.

I'm really value of it.

Just as you find out you've got a really bad skin defect.

That's quite good.

I saw a gamble in February.

I saw him again in April, and he was actually completely grey.

Completely grey, but still had an absolute rod on.

I knew a guy, actually, this is a weird story before you get covered, but

when I went to the building side,

we convinced that

he basically came into work one day and said that he'd had a bit of a trouble with his ball bag, and the

skin had got quite hard around it.

Quite an open gun.

We convinced him that it was a disease called

rhinosaurus or whatever.

And it meant your whole skin

was like got really thick and hard and started becoming like a rhino.

So it always started with your pullback.

It always started with your roleback.

Always.

It always started with the pullback and then you turn it to a rhino.

Do you sometimes hear him on a night out, sort of like chatting up a girl, and then sort of would go, you probably need to know that.

I've got like a situation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He believed us for years.

He was very gullible.

He'd be so sure that he was going to go home with this woman that he would tell them about his hard work.

He was just very open.

Before they left Luke McClure.

He was just very open.

He didn't want it, like, anything not said.

I thought he was open.

He was like in a game where he'd always have his cards on show.

Yeah.

And I respect that.

Oh, you didn't respect it.

You absolutely

showed him completely disrespectful for doing that.

I showed my cards.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you're going to turn into a rhino.

It starts with your ballback.

Oh, no.

I mean,

you can't be open and gullible.

No, no.

That's a bad combo.

Yeah, it is.

I tell everyone everything about me, and I'll believe anything they say at the same time.

That's bad stuff.

What was his bull problem?

Did he ever work that out?

I think just with age, his bull bay just got quite leathery.

But he didn't want to go to the doctors about it.

No.

Because if I was him, if you're the kind of person who's so open about that, you tell all your mates and you would tell a woman you've only just met who hasn't even gone back to your place yet in the club, then surely you have no problem going to the doctors and going, can you look at this?

I've heard I'm turning into a rhino.

But he doesn't need to go to the builders.

No, because his mates have already told him that.

I think he was slightly worried about, like, sometimes it's sort of like, if you go to, that's a definite answer, isn't it?

And I think he sort of took it as, you know, like a building site sort of quack who just

there we go, mate.

I think that's probably what.

And also, none of us actually saw the balls.

No.

He just described them in great detail.

But then they never spread to the rest of his body.

So he must have gone,

okay, this is a lie.

No, or he just thought, I'm getting away with it.

It seems like, you know, whatever I'm doing is keeping it under control.

It's just a tip of the ball bag.

But

maybe if it spreads to

my legs, then I start getting

Rhinosaurositis of the legs.

Yeah, rhinosaurositis.

Probably find out it's a real disease actually.

Or I'll go to a zoo one day and he'll be knocking on the glass and he'll go, oi oi.

Can't believe you said that like told me.

Kevin.

He gave that camera like a rhino title.

Yeah, look at me before rhino.

In this disease, then you imagine he could still speak English once you know the transformation's complete.

He can knock as well.

And then they'd still have him in the zoo.

We're just going

We're going through fucking glass like nobody's been stopped knocking on the fucking glass every time.

I'm trying to get out of here.

We always start with still a sparkling water on the podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got a preference?

You know what?

I've got a real preference for is I like to go to a restaurant and I like to sample the tap water.

Like it's a wine.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

But I think, you know what, we live in the only countries in the world where you can have like tap water, different areas.

Like sometimes it's chalky, sometimes you get like fresh kick yeah i actually think we should be pushing that more i think the vibe of actually being proud because it's sort of sneered upon if you say you know what do you want tap water like you know that you can't afford a bottle but actually i think people should be more upfront about pushing tap water because it's like a wine fine wine right yeah because they don't mention it they never they always say still or sparkling and you have to it's like a secret menu item you have to say tap yeah and i'm always very proud of saying tap yeah or i like to say what's your tap like do

and then just bring me yeah and then you just have a glass and just do a little.

That's lovely.

That's quite, yeah.

That's nice and fresh.

But if you've got a place in the country where it's your favourite tap water, it'd be fun that wherever you are, you go, do you have some

sulphur tap water, please?

I would like a pint of sulphur tap water.

But this is in Birmingham.

Well,

you asked me if I wanted water.

Yeah, or you just literally get a sip of it and go, you know what, I will get a bottle.

That's

not for me.

It's like if it's a bit cloudy and it's got bits in it.

But I think it's something we should be really proud of.

Well, so so you know what i've got to ask you now because you told me before this that you uh have lived for a few years i didn't know this but for about three years near where i grew up yeah yeah yeah uh northamptonshire obviously you've had tap water elsewhere yeah what do you think of the northamptonshire tap water look i was spoilt as a child

because i was brought up with sort of surrey tap water which is beautiful it's very crisp it's very you know it's with you one of the main reasons i moved to where i moved though it was is the water there it's it's even like on a hot day, it's ice cold.

There's nothing but deliciousness to it.

The Northamptonshire tap water you're talking about.

It's always ice cold.

That's not like a characteristic of tap water, though.

That's a characteristic.

Every good drink.

Because it's in Northamptonshire, it comes out the taps ice cold.

Ed, I can see where you're going with this.

I have been in parts of this country where I've run a tap for maybe 10 minutes and it doesn't get as cold as the stamp, you know, the Northampton.

Soaking wet hand at the end because you just put your hand under the tap all the time.

Yeah, you're like like that.

Or you just get a little shot glass and you take a suck of it and it's like, oh, this is still not cold enough for my palate.

But I think my point is, is it specific to Northamptonshire that it comes out the tap ice cold immediately?

Yeah, I think so.

That's why.

Yep.

Always cold.

It's like having one of those things on your fridge.

Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's beautiful water, man.

And I think that that's, you know, I always want to shake someone by the hand.

when I've had amazing water and say, you should tell everyone about this.

Yes.

But obviously they don't because it's

who you shaking by the hand?

the restaurateur the restaurateur the maitre d got with a fiver at the end of the meal and go that water was lovely mate you tell everyone about that i should tell people about it in keterin lovely bit of kit yeah so would that be the water you'd like in your dream meal is kettering tap water yeah i'm gonna go with kettle and tap water yes do you do you like kettle and tap water are you yeah although i went i must say uh i said salford earlier because i think that is where i've noticeably had the best tap water very soft water it again just tasted very fresh and clean and pure i like a bit of chalky water sometimes.

I don't mind it.

I like a bit of hard water.

Yeah, yeah.

I like hard London water.

He's a Wimbledon boy.

Yeah.

He's a Wimbledon boy.

I like Wimbledon well.

Yeah, yeah.

Great water.

Great water.

No lime scale in it.

No, no.

You can have a kettle for 10 years, not have to clean it.

Yeah, that's what I found.

Yeah.

My mum says that every time I call her.

We've still not got the new kettle.

It's the same kettle we had when you were born, she says.

I had to descale it once.

Yeah, amazing.

Pop-loves or bread.

Pop-loves tom davis popad lobs or bread i'm a bread fan i love my bread yeah but also i do think poppadon should be available in more places yeah i think poppadons should be spread out i think they're beautiful but i love bread i like a bit of tiger bread before a you know a healthy bit of tiger bread yes before a meal now the tiger bread we've not really discussed the tiger bread in too much detail have we no i don't think it's come up very often which is weird because it's a nice bread but does it taste any different to normal bread or is it just tiger bread because it's got those like stripes on the top that make it look like a tiger Fresh tiger bread, that softness, it's like a good mattress, it's just really decent with a nice, salty butter.

Yeah, I knew that was doing well for myself when the butter started coming out without a wrap around it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's nice.

Yeah, that's not your life's getting ritzy.

The way you put that suggested that it's the same restaurant you were going to the whole time, but it was only at a certain point they went, We better start unwrapping his butter.

Just someone in the kitchen going, Tom Davis is in, unwrapped that butter.

I'm not pulling it out, he went be eating greasy fingers today,

The Toby Carver.

Mr.

Davis, we've unwrap your butter.

And here's your tap water.

Things are going well for me.

Yeah.

I think things are going to be.

I used to make a lot of bread.

Did you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I used to be obsessed with soda bread became my thing.

I used to love, like Guinness bread.

I used to like.

I love that sort of bread.

Yeah, I used to love, but I think your tiger bread is really hard to get the proper texture to it.

It's a really, yeah, it's a hard one.

because this is an unknown little fact of me, I trained as a chef, and um, so when I was scaffolding and like working on so, I hated doing what I was doing.

So, for like two, two and a half years, so I trained at nights doing car shorten college, trained as a chef, and then I worked like for a while at the Connort.

Amazing, yeah, I like cooking, I'm a big like at home, but like I love things like yeah, bread cooking and bake-off would be fun.

Never been asked to be on it, I know both of you guys, it's not fun, is it not fun?

No, really,

it's not fun, not the way he did it.

It is fun, really?

Yeah, it's really good fun.

Yeah, I'm hoping you'd smash it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel sometimes, obviously, like, you know, because I've got a past in the business, maybe they, yeah, it might be different for you.

Maybe you should just do normal bake-off and absolutely like

gave it all up, yeah.

But this is normal bake-off.

This isn't celebrity bake-off.

I'm not celebrating.

I've given it all up.

Yeah, given it all that up.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's still a little bit unfair because I'm trained as a chef.

Yeah, I've started wrapping my butter again.

Yeah, gone back to wrapping my butter, left the celeb well behind.

Things aren't going so well, actually.

So put a four around that.

Yeah, sorry.

Tiger bread is, yeah, but that's my goal.

So there is a different taste to tiger bread, do you think?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like a texture.

I think the texture, but also the taste.

I think it takes butter better than any other.

Maybe soda bread could could go toe to toe with it.

I like a restaurant where you have unlimited bread before a meal.

i like the fact that you actually it's 50 50 whether you're going to be able to eat like yeah your starter because you've eaten so much bread before the meal yeah i really that's a vibe i'm into how much tiger bread do you reckon you could put away and then still comfortably eat the meal that's about to come three slices three slices now three decent sized slices yeah yeah i also think as well it's quite nice when you get those restaurants where you can cut your own bread yeah i think it's presumptuous of people when they cut the bread for you i like it when you get out like a little loaf and you cut you know obviously this is pretty

presuming you that you can't handle it

it's presumptuous What are they presuming that?

I think that

you can't handle a thicker slice.

I think bread consumption is like politics.

Never judge anyone by it.

You just go in.

I think we should be allowed to cut our bread as we please.

It's a very dangerous world we live in.

If you were to come into, if I had a restaurant like this one here, you two came in, I'd say, look, here it goes, a loaf.

I would not want to give you a thin slice, you a thick slice, all of a sudden you're like, oh, I like thick slices.

I'm not very good at cutting bread, though.

i i i i think i'm doing it really well and then actually it's at an angle and i end up with like a wedge of bread rather than a neat slice it's all about the softness yeah it's all about being quite sensual the bread is all about sensuality yeah that is yeah well no when you're making it proofing it feeling it yeah it's all about being soft yes you know you don't want to knead it too hard you want to treat it nice yeah and even when that comes down to the cutting Yeah, you keep that nice, that rhythm good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Soft, slow to the point.

Right.

You want to base it at the end of it, the bread to sort of much like that rhino friend, yeah, you want a bread to give you a wink and go, Thank you, yeah, yeah.

I felt

this is your mate, you're telling to a rhino, yeah, and it's winking at you from the other side of the glass at the zoo, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just think you'd just give it all of your cutting into bread, and it turns out that's another friend you used to work with, yeah,

he'll be gone soon.

I've noticed my penis gets off like a baguette,

yeah, you've got it.

Yeah, I know what's happening, yeah, you got bread itis, yeah, always edge of itis,

Edge is always the word that they know anyway.

Is giraffe bread a thing, or am I making that up in my head?

Because I seem to remember seeing some giraffe bread once, but now.

I'm thinking of a French stick.

Good point.

I think it was similar to tiger bread, and I couldn't really tell how different it was.

Did it have like the more like sort of giraffe sort of...

Which is what I'm thinking.

Was it that?

Was it like more of a gaffer?

There would be.

Yeah.

I'm thinking that.

I'm thinking that it existed, but now I can't.

I'm i'm doubting it i'm thinking it might have been a dream yeah man what a dream what a dream i mean you know you could that you know you could turn that dream into reality and just create giraffe bread yeah

yeah yeah that could be the next inventory yeah yeah wow so many different things i didn't know like we'd all be coming up with these new sort of ways of looking at our life after

ideas man yeah yeah

we've all been like you know locked down for two years now we come out we can chat together we could go on the real bake-off together you could hide in a cupboard yeah and

surprise them yeah

We could come up with giraffe bread.

Paul Hollywood comes over and goes, What is this bread?

And it's like, you've never seen anything like this before, you mug.

It'd be good, actually, if I sent in,

like, if I made it, yeah, great, but someone else was like on the show and Paul Hollywood comes along and he goes, that's brilliant, and goes to give them a Hollywood handshake.

And I burst out the proven drawer.

It was me, you mug.

I bet you're all really puffed up for getting in the proving.

Yeah, I'm all proved.

It was me.

Who are you?

It's Jeff Hanks.

Wait for my skin to calm down.

You'll see who it is.

One punch and you just completely deflate.

Right, let's get on to your dream starter.

It's a tough one, this.

Yeah.

Because it is like I had to give this so much thought for the moment, aren't you?

That's what we like.

And I plumped for a proper French onion soup.

Oh, yeah.

As a kid.

First time I went abroad, we were on a school trip.

to

Bordeaux and we tried this French onion soup.

But I remember like the whole way there, I was so excited about it.

It was like the first time I've been on a ferry.

Yeah.

Quite a few kids from my school got like detained because there was a NAFCO.

I know.

Nafnef.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was a NAFCO.

They were big at the time.

They had a shop on the ferry.

And a load of kids from my school went in and drummed it, like took all the, like, shoplifted.

So the sort of start of the thing was a load of kids who weren't allowed, yeah, who stole loads of.

Not a great place to shoplift when you're at.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's nowhere to run, isn't there?

no

we'd have got away with it too.

Hold on a second.

Sorry.

Let's scroll back.

Scroll back.

Roy.

You're on a school trip.

You're going to Bordeaux.

Yeah.

A bunch of kids from your school trip on the ferry over shoplift from the NAF NAF shop.

And the teachers just let them be detained and everyone else is going to be able to do it.

No, no, no, they came with us.

No, they came with us, but they weren't allowed to

I I can't remember exactly what happened, but they they came for the rest of the trip.

Right.

They were detained on the ferry until the ferry.

They didn't l keep them on the ferry.

They're not still there working.

Like cabin mates.

But the whole school trip still carried on because in my school...

Is this primary school, secondary school?

This is secondary school, yeah.

Yeah, if that happened in my school, I don't know if the trip would have continued.

Yeah, but if a bunch of kids try to run it, everyone else, I think it was.

Yeah, I mean, they came, but I remember because we went to a disco tech on the last night, they weren't allowed to come.

Yeah.

Yeah, they got all the sideways.

That's their punishment.

Apart from a couple of wallets that were sort of doing the,

you know, those sort of big wallets you used to get back in the day.

With the zips.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, they can go to the disco tech.

Which, to be fair, was like quite a weird thing to go.

Like, we were sort of 14, 15, and everyone else in there was in their 20s, and it was sort of quite a creepy, weird thing to be taken to.

You were taller than the people in their 20s.

Yeah, yeah, so that was fine.

Yeah, and it was a fair indication of what my whole life would be like whenever I went to a nightclub with the fact that everyone was pointing at me and laughing.

Yeah,

stolid.

Walking over with my wallet and opening it constantly in front of people.

Colour centimes falling out.

Yeah.

But I was obsessed with finding this like a proper real French onion soup with the bread at the top and the cheese, the big crouton on the top of it.

I tried a couple, but found like one that was just off a store.

It was just beautiful.

I held it tight to my mind.

From there, I just, and now, like, I don't think I've ever, it was so good the taste of it.

I don't think I've ever.

tasted another French I mean maybe it was the first time it's like the first time you know yeah I was gonna say Lucy Virginia but that wasn't the best time I've ever had

never gets better after that imagine if there was someone who was like you know what the best time is always the first time and i've never had it as good been chasing chasing that home chasing that street street feeling

crying afterwards

the awkwardness

the no return of the phone call yeah wow the laughing behind my back from all of my imagine losing your virginity and turning to the person and going that reminds me of my first ever front ones.

You'd never be top.

The crude on top.

So I just imagined in my head, like, even if it's not,

even if it's not your first time, just turning to someone you just said thanks to them and going, it doesn't get better than that.

That really made me laugh.

It doesn't get better than that.

High five.

Yeah.

with a big

fresh well done

oh nice one actually for that that was really good

yeah i i don't think it could get any better than that so uh that's a warm handshake oh that's

that's limited energy do you like some french onion soup i have an amazing recipe give me four and a half hours i'll give you some soup that will knock you sideways so you said you tried a lot of french onion soup when you were there yeah i had a couple of tries of like i wanted a french was everyone else was all your other uh you know your classmates they were doing around being like yeah let's get loads of French onion soup.

No, no, no.

A lot of them were getting flick knives and porno man.

Porno cards were big at the time.

That's what, yeah, the porno playing cards on the French trip.

Yeah.

Ninja Star.

Yeah, yeah.

That was what Ed got.

Yeah, I was probably the only kid who wanted sort of like a decent French onion soup.

But I'd heard stories, you know.

The teachers checking your bag off the trip to make sure there's no

onions.

Just got just loads of soup swilling around in your sleeves.

Dave,

you've been pouring cups of French onion soup into your bag.

I'm so on board with this choice.

Yeah.

We love French onion soup.

Do you know the only thing that came close was there's a restaurant near me in Oakham, a place called Oakham,

called Hitchens Barn, and they do a cheese souffle of the week that is unreal.

It's the best thing I've ever tasted.

That is incredible.

But it doesn't incite the same.

And I think that, you know, know, I'm a big fan of this podcast.

And I think you had to pick with your heart.

Yeah.

And I think, yeah, I think, you know, I could go with that.

But I think, you know, every time I think of that French onion soup, there's a smirk across my face.

Yeah.

And I think of the

old boy selling it and the smile he gave me as I walked away, you know, on my own,

thinking that little loan is just about to have the highlight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm excited to hear about that.

Hitchens Barn, did you say?

Hitchens Barn, yeah, it's incredible.

I'm going next time I go back.

Yeah.

If there's these great cheese souffes there.

Everything there is amazing.

I go in there and I, yeah, I will shake hands and great tap water, beautiful tap water.

Great tap water.

Yeah, shake your hands.

I want to see you try that.

What, shake that hands?

Absolutely.

No, Tom gets away with that sort of thing, walking in, shaking everyone's hand, saying hello.

Yeah, yeah.

Hello, how's it doing?

Everyone's like, oh, great.

And he's so happy to have him there shaking hands.

That guy came in to shake his hand.

Unwrap that guy's butter.

You going in there, marching up, shaking everyone's hand.

Yeah.

You're like, hell?

Yeah, it wouldn't work.

Hello.

My name's James.

I'm David's Tommy.

I had a good cheese souffle, is that correct?

Just holding their hand the whole time, nervously.

Yeah, life doesn't get better than this.

All right, everyone.

Here he is.

Someone told him about some food again.

He's trying to be like Big Tom Davis.

He chatted to him.

So the French onion soup comes in those weird little bowls, right?

So they're like big, they're like bigger bowls than normal soup.

And if you get it right, it's got a crouton on top and a crouton on the bottom, right?

And on the bottom as well.

So you've got you should have like a bread.

Like all soaked sandwiches.

Yeah, so it's all soaked up.

Soup sandwich.

Yeah, so man,

I think everything should be put in a sandwich.

Yeah.

I just think sandwiches are the fucking king.

Yeah, yeah.

Sure.

I'd like to open a restaurant if that might be my dream of just like everything's in a sandwich.

Yeah.

You could have like an Indian meal and a Chinese meal.

You can have a roast dinner.

You can have

Mexican's kind of in it.

Yeah, but a burrito within bread.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So people don't have to eat, because obviously obviously with the soup, it's not like you're eating it like you're not picking it up and eating like a sandwich, but no, you're going.

The point is, it's between two bits of bread.

So you can eat it however you want.

Bread makes everything better.

It's like medicine.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah, you think about any meal that you've ever had in your life and would bread be good for?

I still ask for a roll after any course in any restaurant so I can mop stuff up.

Any course in any restaurant.

Any course.

Apart from dessert.

Yeah.

I'm not a heathen.

A sushi restaurant?

Are you asking for a bread roll?

Pop your soy sauce up?

Send my mouth conveyor belt fine.

I would love that.

I'll tell you something.

Best breakfast I had,

we're not talking breakfast, but in Bermondsey, there used to be a place.

We used to do these sweet rolls.

Yeah.

And on top, you'd have like poached eggs, and it was all covered in soy sauce.

Oh, amazing.

Beautiful.

Yeah.

The saltiness, the sweet.

Oh, hello.

What was that place called?

I can't remember its name.

I used to sort of go down and hung up.

When I lived on Bermancy Street, I used to pop in there and they used to sort of nod at me.

They knew what I wanted.

Yeah, was it on the menu or were they like, hey, it's a bread guy.

the bread guy here comes bready

he thinks this why do we do this for him he thinks this is on the menu we did it once as a joke and he keeps going like please have another

bringing his idiot rolls we'll have ten of them sweet bread rolls coming soy sauce please

okay

i used to work in bourbons and um there was a shop right next to the the station and i'd go in every morning and get a custard danish from there and at the time i thought it was the best custard Danish ever.

I would really, I'd look forward to it.

And now I'm on the tube to get there, and I'll be thinking about that custard Danish the whole time.

Well, not the whole time.

Well, kind of.

I'd get on at one end in Bounds Green and I'd get a flapjack from the Flapjack Man.

Wow.

And then I'd eat the Flapjack on the tube.

And then as soon as I finished the Flapjack, I'll start thinking about the Custard Danish.

Every day.

Yes.

That's a living life.

Yeah.

You live it.

You don't just talk the talk, you walk the walk.

You're not just.

And on a Friday, if I was lucky, well, it wasn't if I was lucky, this would just happen anyway.

In the staff room, they'd put out those Marks and Spencer's mini-bites tubs, and I'd always be the first one there.

So I'd absolutely clean them up, do the rounds.

Everyone else would always be too polite to eat them.

So I'd wait until they've all had we've had the morning briefing.

Then just go around, do the rounds again, have another load of them.

The Ross Christmas Square ones.

Oh, all of them.

There'd be a different one on each table in the staff room.

And I'll be really eyeing up certain ones.

Yeah.

Oh, you know, one of the millionaire should be.

Do you have an order, like a list of like, I'm going to hit up this mini?

The Rocky Road.

The Rocky Road was like, yeah, holy grail.

Do they have the ones that are like mini-a-mini rolls?

Like the very, they're called like very chocolatey rolls.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

With the chocolate round them.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't get the politeness of like people.

Like, if I'm at a buffet, I'm steaming in.

Yeah.

As soon as the tops are taken off a little bit, like the cream films come off, I'm there.

Or are you mean the top of the containers?

Yeah, yeah.

Like what buffets you're going to wear at tops are off.

As soon as everyone's tops are off.

Yeah.

Come on, everyone.

Let's take our clothes off and eat.

This is weird.

Buffet at a song.

Would you try the buffet or off?

Again, you'd get away with that more than I would.

People do accept it from you.

But there's always people who are a little polite.

I think it's rude if you don't get stuck into food straight away.

I think it's a sign.

And then, you know, scoffing it back.

And I think the sounds of someone eating your food is the best testament to how nice it is.

The noises, food noises.

I would rather have that than someone reserves saying, oh, this is delicious.

Yeah.

Oh, right.

I think that, yeah, yeah.

It's good acting straight away, by the way.

Yeah, very well.

Yeah, I can slip in and out.

That was good.

That was good.

Yeah, eating guy, that was my first three.

Good guy eating, man.

Didn't really work on the live circuit, did it?

No, no, no, no, it was quite hard.

It was a stretch over 20.

My first at Edinburgh.

Oh, fucking hell, he's not even on the main course.

He's been eating that French onion soup for 10 minutes.

Some bad previews where you burnt your mouth in the first two minutes.

Steve Bennett's absolutely slaughtered me.

I'd arrive on some mixed buildings, go straight to the green room.

Was he doing eating guy again?

He's on there, and he's doing eating guy right now on stage.

Actually, to be fair, the finale when he eats ice cream is amazing.

Yeah, they love that.

The last thing you want to hear, the MC going, I'll just bring you on straight after eating going.

I'll just keep the night rolling.

No, please do a bit.

Do a bit.

There's something in between us.

Come on.

Just ask him what's on the menu.

Yeah.

A lot of mime.

A lot of mime going on the podcast yeah yeah yeah yeah it's one of my problems i'm a very physical kind of guy and that doesn't translate well on a podcast

well before we move on charlotte church chose this last week by the way uh french onion soup does it surprise you to learn that you can't i think it's just great company yeah yeah yeah i think i think great minds think alike when it comes to french onion soup i like to think that everyone's got a little bit of french onion soup in them yeah yeah interesting well i think you thought that through before you said it no no no maybe i didn't but um i liked it um do you think you and charlotte church are similar in more than outside of?

You know what I'd like to think?

But yeah, in a sense, you know, sort of like two renegades, like she was sort of like this, well, she was actually a young person who was really, really good in their youth.

My youth was pathetic.

I worked in a building.

Actually, we couldn't be more different for sure.

Apart from our love of French onion soup.

I think if we went to a restaurant together, we'd just eat French onion soup and every now and again look up and go, this is nice.

Yeah.

Have nothing else to talk about.

Yeah.

It unites people though, doesn't it?

French onion soup.

That's the beautiful thing about it.

Yeah, that's why the French are all so happy.

Were people

called you voice of an angel at any point in your life?

No.

No, I've never had angels sort of put in any of my...

No.

No, yeah.

Sort of feet of an angel.

I don't even think you can use angel anywhere else.

Laugh of an angel.

It's always voice of an angel.

Yeah, voice of an angel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And angels do a lot of fucking hair.

Angel hair?

Angel hair is a pasta, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Actually, to be fair, when my hair was really thinning, it was quite like angel hair.

Wispy pasta.

Yeah, yeah.

Thin, wispy hair.

Yeah, that's the pasta actually you least want your hair to be like.

Yeah.

Angel hair pasta.

Yeah.

Sure.

Just going to Turkey for a hair transplant and going, can I get a sort of penne kind of vibe to my hair, please?

Like a thick penne.

A linguine.

Linguini would be.

Or just two sheets of lasagna.

Oh, yeah.

Just like 90s curtains.

I had those.

Did you?

Those were an undercut.

Oh, great.

Cherished times.

I'd love to have seen that.

Yeah.

Honestly, when I look at both of you, all three of you guys with your beautiful hair, man.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like, yeah.

Yeah, but now you can pull the hat off.

Yeah.

Just for the listener, Tom's got one of those sort of big flat caps on.

I think you're the only person I've ever seen make those look good.

Oh, really?

Outside of Last of the Summer Wine.

Which was my inspiration.

Those guys look the genius.

Yeah.

And Pinky Blinders, which is a good idea.

And Peaky Blinders.

I think that you're going to waste your time.

The Last of the Summer Wine prequel.

Yeah.

It's the very last of Summer Wine, actually.

Peaky Blinders is like...

That would be so genius genius if like that was the prequel to it.

PP Blinders, they go, I'm going to start calling you compo.

What?

Gets in a bathtub.

What the hell?

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

are in this economy.

Next time, check Lyft.

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Dream Main Course.

I've gone with a typical Irish boxy.

All my family's from a place in Ireland called Mayo.

And it's one of,

it takes me back to sort of school, yeah, school holidays.

We go over there on holiday.

And it's, yeah, it's a a very it's essentially just a stew cooked with you know with or without dumplings a nice bit of soda bread but it's a beautiful thing it's like genuine that some good mashed potato like i think it's it's the food that probably makes me happiest i think you know and that weird thing of trying to recreate it at home and you can never get the carrots quite sweet enough yeah or the uh there's a trick to it all i think it's like a magician's it's even being the pot just using the same pot all yeah yeah yeah the flavors are sort of like so ingrained in it yeah it's a good i went um i took my wife now back to where i came from may for this sort of trip of like you know just before we got married i was like yeah i'm gonna take you back to where i come from this tiny little place called roycarter which is near belmarlet which is sort of on the sort of like furthest peak of ireland and i hadn't been back for years so i was like look we're gonna go and you know you can sort of see like where my grandmother was born and all that so we were driving over there and the sat now basically stops can't find this place roycarter it's quite a tough little place to find so we sort of pull over in bell marlet we're going to this petrol station, and I'm like,

I'm going to do this accent, right?

Yes.

But like this accent, in me, or they have this kind of sort of singing wee of talking when you're talking to it.

I can't do it greatly.

I'm going to try.

I haven't been there.

That sounded like a legit accent.

I go into the petrol station.

I was like, oh, hey, I'm looking for Roy Carter.

And this man goes, touch me, she goes, what do you want with Roy Carter?

Where do you want a Gordon?

And I said, oh, I'm over there.

Like, my family's from there.

Like, my grandmother what's your grandmother's name now

bridget lally bridget lally's dead she's been dead for over 20 i know she's dead

um

but my uncle's uh dennis and tady lally dennis is in a mental launch children tad is dead i was like yeah i know this they're my uncle's and he's like well what do you want there i said well i'm gonna take my what yeah i basically have to do an interview to go to this fucking place right so i do this whole thing and he's so good follow me i'll show you a ride character so we get in the car and we drop me and my wife are driving He speeds off, my wife's trying to keep up, right?

Speeds through the country.

We turn up at Wake Carter, and he runs into this BB pub we're staying in, and the whole pub comes out, right?

And I sort of come out, it's quite intimidating.

You're in the middle of nowhere, like, sort of like you know, the wilderness of Ireland.

And my wife said, Oh my god, what's happening?

I was like, Don't worry, I've got this.

I get out of the car, and uh, the woman who runs a BNB is like, What do you want here?

He says, You're related to Bridget Lally now, and she's dead, she's been dead 20 years.

I said, Oh, no, yes, Bridget Lally is a grandmother.

And she says,

it says, no, you got Denison Teard is nephew.

You know that Denison Mental Institution Teard is dead, no?

I said, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, my uncle's.

It's, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I come from like, this is, I want to sort of like, it's a sort of me retracing and showing my wife like where, where I'm from and the, you know, where my family's from.

And my wife was like, we have a room booked here.

And she was like, we've got one room booked tonight and the name of Mick and Mary Murphy.

Is that you?

And I went, no, no, no, no.

I'm Tom Davis.

And like, this is my fiancé, Catherine Morphy.

And she was like, Murphy was, maybe we've got a name wrong.

Will Mary Mick, will you come in?

I was like, No, no, like that's

take us to this fucking nuts room, right?

We're there for like four or five days.

We're driving around, yeah.

And for the whole time, she's calling me Mick, my wife, Mary.

It's like an insane place, it's like something from a comedy sketch, they never load up, yeah, no, no, no, no, because I think they had just literally not heard what my wife was saying and just put these names,

I think, like the penultimate night with air.

I'm sort of like, I was in a bar chatting to some people, and she comes with a worried look on her face.

She said, Can I have a word with you, Mick?

I was like, Yeah,

um,

Dion, there's a young man over there.

She says, You're an actor by the name of Tom Davis.

He's got it all wrong.

I said, No, but that is me.

I am Tom Davis.

I'm an actor by the day.

But Noah, when you got here, you said you were Bridget Lally's grandson.

I was like, Yeah, no, I am Bridget Lally's grandson, and Dennison Teady's nephew.

I said, Yeah, no,

you know, but he's convinced you're an actor.

I said, No, I am an actor, I'm an actor, but I'm also related to Bridget and Taylor.

And she's like,

well, who the fucking hell is McMurphy?

I said, I have no idea who McMurphy is, right?

And she says, this is quite the conundrum here, haven't it?

And I was like, it's really not a conundrum.

Anyway,

she still writes to me, like, on, DM me from this place.

Just stay right in.

It's an incredible place.

Anyway,

I digress, but so I had this vision of like taking

I'm obsessed with food and I'm obsessed with the memories that that's why I love this podcast, but the memories and feelings that food incites, I think it's like only thing like food and music.

Anyway, I was like saying to my wife, like we have to go to this place.

I'm such fond memories of like this boxy that my grand, you know, we used to go to with my parents and this beautiful little sort of pub.

And so we go there, we sit down, it's quite clear quite early on that this has been taken over by a chain and the bash potato was smashed.

Nothing was cooked like properly.

And then we spent the rest of the time, me trying to find the perfect boxy, which i didn't for a while so it's a sort of hallowed thing that i sort of think back and

remember but it's the the only main course that i could pick to to sit in this restaurant and look at it

it's heartbreaking when it's like it's not only just gone from like oh it's not as good yeah it's like it's smashed potato yeah so smashed potato by the way is like the late in a restaurant i get it like yo but it's the laziest thing to cook yeah like genuinely it's like in a restaurant it's like come on mash a potato it's not that much

it's actually quite difficult to get it right and to mash them really good.

To like get really good quality mash that like.

Well, you're the mash king.

Is that your thing?

And the mash king.

Are you like the guy at Christmas who like

everyone I grew up with and everyone

I sort of know from sort of like my mate, so to say, always will say at Christmas, they'll go, yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no.

She does all the cooking, obviously, apart from the rash potatoes, because I'm the king of rash potatoes.

What the fuck does it take to do that one fucking thing?

Would you do it?

I only do it for Christmas.

I only do it for like, it's like the family can only get their minds around it once a year.

It's like, oh,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it wouldn't be so special.

You know what would be special?

You fucking getting off your ass,

giving your fucking wipe of hand fucking every other Sunday the fucking year and maybe learning another trick.

You've got your fucking head around roast potatoes.

Fuck a miracle thing.

Your parboiler, you throw them in a bit of oil.

You can't really fuck it up, Jeff.

That's what I do.

The king, you know, and then say, well, how do you do yours then, mate?

And you know, they're not that good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely.

It's like soggy as fuck.

Yeah, and and he talks and he talks about them for the whole meal as well yeah no no no that's the thing that you know happens like like the wife's they're sweating like yeah turkey okay bread sauce all right sprouts they're not too as if we want silsa roast potatoes left over again

and they've made it so awkward no one can tell them that they're shit because they've talked them up all day then they've done them and then they sit down and then they ask people directly yeah

so you're gonna say they're great you're not gonna go actually i don't know i think they're insane like you've been talking about them all day long and i think it's just like all the other roasties I've had.

They're just very normal.

And if anything, they are a bit damp, and they're not very nice, like they're not as crispy as I was hoping they were.

You made them sound like they were going to be.

You left the skins on you, lazy swine.

Yeah, yeah, these are not good.

Do you remember pubs?

I used to love a pub with a roast potato.

Yeah, yeah, it's one of my favorite things in the world on a Sunday.

Oh, yeah.

Just like roast potatoes coming over the bar.

Just a little wink from a knowing face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've tell you what, that's the sort of thing I wish they would bring back.

I think the communities lived and died on things like that.

Yeah, yeah.

Roast potatoes.

Roast potatoes and all that.

Knowing faces.

Knowing faces as well was good.

Yeah, yeah.

Cheers, basically, innit?

Wherever you go.

We got some

our trip to New York that we talk about all the time, but not the off-menu one, but the New Year's one that Ed and I went on.

We got poutine somewhere once and it came and we were expecting, you know, chips.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it was roast potatoes.

Roast potatoes.

And I mean, that was incredible.

yeah.

But uh, I think potatoes are king, agree.

Are we going to see a little appearance of potatoes coming up in your menu?

Well, yeah, it'd be amiss of me not to.

Yeah, are we sidestepping into the side dish right now?

And is it this potato?

I feel like I should whistle.

Or are they already included in the boxy?

Which, by the way, I've not ever heard that before.

You've never had a boxy?

No, I've never had it, but never heard the term.

No, me neither.

I didn't know.

Really?

Yeah.

It's boxy irish.

I can absolutely imagine what it is.

I've heard, obviously, heard Irish stew before.

Yeah.

But it's, I suppose, like scouse or like anything like it's sort of like the Irish version.

So they do these potatoes out there as well called well I think because again I'm a potato nut.

I love potatoes.

So again I'm in an R in here.

Yeah.

Because the way I see this, I'll stand by this meal.

Yeah.

And if it comes to a point where I'm on the electric chair and someone says, what's your final meal go?

I'll be like, go back.

Listen to me on off menu and source out those ingredients, please.

I think people really overestimate the effort that they'll go to on like the on the death sentence wing.

Yeah, they're not going

okay.

We've really got to he's asked for this.

Yeah, also,

look, I'm sure you're sick of hearing about your height all the time and stuff like that, but you saying about you being on the electric chair just makes you think of Green Mile because that guy's massive.

Yeah, yeah, and uh, he just makes me think of like the whole of Green Mile, but you're playing John Coffey, yeah.

A remake, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me take it back, boss.

That's me pursuing doing you.

Yeah.

All right, I'm Tom Davis.

That's good.

That's a really great impression.

My name's Tom.

I can't go as deep.

You haven't quite got the time.

My voice doesn't do it.

I can't go deep.

All right, my name is Tom Davis.

That was good.

No.

You start.

You've really just got to go as deep.

Yeah, there's no way.

Neither of us are going to get it.

I'll take it back, boss.

I'll try to take it back, boss.

I'm sort of like, what's happening is you can't go low, so you've just added a bit of a lisp.

Yeah.

I sound like that snake out of Robin Hood.

Hood'd be great at that.

It's a link of Robin Hood.

Yeah, actually,

because yeah, I'd love to be little John, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd like to be the snake.

That's a dream pot.

You'd be Robin Hood, right?

I could be Robin Hood.

Yeah,

yeah.

You got the goods.

Yeah, you got the goods.

Yeah, I think actually you'd be an amazing Robin Hood.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, because what's great about you, you've got that sort of like cherub look.

You've got a great little face, but also you've got wisdom in your eyes.

Oh, thanks.

A wise cherub.

Yeah.

A knowing look, would you you say?

Yeah, I'd say, but I'd also say, like, say, me and you were knocking about the chair with forest and he rocked up.

I like the thought that I'm little John and you probably Will Scarlett you could attack me.

I don't want him anywhere near that fucking bow and arrow, mate.

Yeah,

keep it to a staff fight.

Yeah, so the problem should look like a cherub with the bow and arrow.

Perfect, yeah, a cherub with a knowing look at his

firing arrows going, yeah, that won't last.

He knew that was going to hit

what meat is in a stew, by the way.

Is it

a lamb?

Yeah, I think it's a lamb.

It's a bit like one of those things where I've never really asked.

It's just there on the menu.

I think it's a lamb.

And I guess maybe if it's a case of making a massive thing to sort of

impoverished food, it was like,

I suppose it was, yeah, whatever you had based in a cup of food.

I think they're the best meal sometimes.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, ask no questions.

Yeah, tell no lies.

Handshake.

Walk out.

Ask no questions.

Tell no lies.

Shake the handwalker.

Not you, though.

Not me,

I would ask a lot of questions.

Have some questions.

No lies, please.

Shake a hand.

Good piece of meet you.

What is it?

This it doesn't go better than this.

This is the life.

This is the life.

I'd love to start saying that more.

I'm going to try and.

I think you should.

Yeah.

Or enjoy it.

Yeah, try and say it a bit more.

This is the life.

This is the life, right?

Also, in situations where, like, I'd like to sit on a train next to a stranger and like half an hour into the journey, just go, this is the life.

And And like, there's something like that.

On a roller coaster, yeah, they'd be on a...

Just sort of like...

Yeah, but roller coaster is too much fun, right?

Like, just selling it to the, I think the train side is.

Are you in a house or a flat?

Flat at the minute.

Yeah.

You know, when you're taking out your, sort of, make sure you've got a couple of the other neighbours taking out their bins.

Yeah.

And then just sort of give one a little tap on the shoulder and go, this is their life.

Yeah.

Recycling bins, though.

I go in the recycling bins and go, this is the life.

Well, just stand up there, stand up there, take your bin out really early and stand out there the whole morning.

Yeah.

And every time someone brings brings out a bin, just give them a little Wednesday.

This is a life.

I'm not doing a lake.

It doesn't sound sarcastic at all.

No, no, no, no.

It has to be like properly, you believe that this is in my building.

The best way I could do it is in the lift because that seems like, oh, this is like a exciting that we're in the lift.

And I could say, like, I press the button as it starts going up, go, this is the life.

Am I right?

But you put too much emphasis.

The one you did before is beautiful.

Yeah.

This is the life.

No, no, this is a

life.

This is the life.

I had an Uber driver the other day and I got in and it's the happiest man I've ever met in my life.

And he went, from where did God send you to me?

I got to the bottom of it.

It turns out he just lives near where I live.

So he was supposed to be driving back in the same direction.

Was he like that happiness the whole way?

Yeah, yeah, pretty much.

Put my headphones in.

Really?

I'd have just jumped on the skateboard of that guy's happiness and just surfed out.

I don't know.

I should have said surfed.

Did you surf on a skateboard?

No.

Skate on it.

Skate, didn't you?

Straight to the bottom of the ocean.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't try and surf on a skateboard, mate.

Well, you learn something every day.

In the new jackass film, I was.

Ew, neow, neon, eel.

When you say it the other night, brilliant.

Physically good.

Nothing makes Benito laugh more than how much James genuinely loves jackass with all his heart.

I went to watch the

one that the bad grandpa one they did.

Yeah, great.

And it's one of the happiest moments of my life.

Yeah, of course.

Everyone was just in such high spirits.

Actually, I talked about this with Rom and he didn't believe it.

But when we were leaving, I was laughing so much still.

I slapped someone on the back and said, that was funny.

Yeah.

This is the life.

This is the life.

And that really was the life.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

If I could have whispered to him and said, you know, in 10 years, we're all going to be stuck inside.

Yeah.

Fucking enjoy it, kid.

Yeah, enjoy this while we can.

Put yourself another popcorn and get back in there and watch it again.

We get it.

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Terms apply.

So, my side dish.

So, it was between fondant potatoes, which I adore.

Yeah.

But I think I have to stick with that sort of Irish vibe and go.

They did like these scallop potatoes, which are like really finely sliced.

Put in a deep fat fryer, covered in salt.

And they are

so sexy with you.

Yeah, you're really.

Yeah, you.

Wow, that was fucking hell.

Really, I've never had anyone's attention as much as I had yours.

That was a moment.

You were describing it really well.

That felt like eating the French onion soup again.

Ooh, la la la.

they're crispy.

I remember going to watch the football over in Ireland, and they come in like a bag, so it all soaks into the bag, the salt, the grease.

And I remember like going in, ordering a bag,

eating them on the way to the pub, thinking, these are fucking amazing.

The whole first half I'm watching, thinking,

I need some more of those.

I need some more.

So half time I went and brought four bags,

pretending that I was like buying them for other people.

And I just sat on a wall and just fucking scoffed at myself.

Did you have to sit on a wall and you have a seat?

I just, if I'm going to enjoy anything,

I think that that's something that, you know, it wasn't even a high wall, James.

It was quite a low wall, but I get a little bit of a drink.

Knees up, around your ears.

Yeah.

Again, I'm pictured squatting on the wall like a frog.

Like a frog.

That weird fellow.

Do you remember that Simpsons episode where the really tall guy gets in the small car like that?

Love it?

Do people drive it?

Do you find something amusing about my appearance when it's like my automobile?

one of the best episodes a great episode yeah when you were buying the four bags of scallop potatoes presenting they were for other people how deep did you go into that were you like oh i can't a bit less salt on that one i think tony's yeah yeah yeah tony's on i wish i had done it i was yeah i i was like an addict yeah i was like yeah come on mate yeah i've got to get back for the for the next also i wasn't that far away by the way from the place the the place i brought them when i ate the them all so it would have basically taken someone to walk out a little bit further from the doorway to go oh second half must be back.

Hold up.

John, big feather report there.

Come here, come on, come on.

You saw eat the bat, man.

Clearly, you've been thinking about it the whole first half.

Every time you're talking about that.

Another bit of acting.

Yeah, that's good.

That is good.

Yeah, really.

Snorting down a load of potatoes.

Wolfing them down.

And no sauce needed.

No sauce.

I think

that's the hallmark of incredible potatoes.

Yeah.

I think some potatoes, I think we're talking about average roast potato.

Boom, you need gravy.

I think a lot of potatoes are sort of like ketchup becomes their crutch uh-huh but I think with uh with these just salt yeah just

load yeah just sweet sweet salt yeah and as your side dish do you want four bags of them yeah four bags yeah four bags and I think because I'm in such a special place yeah I won't feel the sort of pathetic sort of like looming sort of judgment that I did when I you know yeah I mean because you do love potatoes so much you were torn between different types you got a you got a top ten ways to have potatoes top ten wow normally i'd say top five to people the top three but because it's because you've seen them so you you've got more of a passion i would yeah i'd go with the i'd go to scott so then i'd go a really good roast potato like a but i mean like someone's really taking their time yeah i'd then go to the honest jacket so fond of potatoes isn't no no fond of potatoes is special special occasion it depends also what you're cooking it in what kind of stock i mean you could almost go you know cook it to the chicken stock but i'd go fond of potato after the jacket if i'm honest with you i'm caught in the crosshairs here a little bit so i'm sort of just listing potatoes um you've had you haven't had time to order them no no no no no no i'm looking through i'd go mashed potatoes without skin filling for time when you called it the honest jacket

the honest jacket of course um i'd go mashed potatoes without skin yeah then i'd go mashed potatoes with skin okay right uh i'd go chips i'm not i think chips are overrated okay interesting that's one of the hottest takes we've had on the podcast and we're we're reacting like it's not but like yeah that's a big thing that that there's a lot of people probably just threw their headphones to the ground in disgust and stamped them.

No, I think chips are sort of they're lucky to be on the list, but I do enjoy them if they're cooked really well, if they're cooked incredibly well.

But yeah, I think like a jacket potato, if anyone

jacket potato over chips, oh mate, every day.

If I go to a harvester, the first thing I'm doing is changing the chips and stuff.

I think you're absolutely crazy.

Yeah, something like that.

Really?

The jacket potato is a blight.

What?

I hate a jacket potato.

It'd be very far down my list.

Are you kidding?

No.

Like a jacket potato.

It's the only time I've ever been serious on this podcast.

With a nice rock sort,

just sort of like grained into olive oil on the skin.

No.

Look, I'm not saying that's not nice, but I'm saying that.

Load it up with a bit of cream cheese.

Baked beans.

Yeah, I like all.

Well, I don't like baked beans are horrible.

What?

It's disgusting.

But I like the things you put on jacket potatoes.

But like if I eat that, I'll just eat the top off it and I'll be like, there's a load of potato left there.

I'm not having that.

Are you kidding?

It's too like flour in the past.

What I'm doing with a jacket potato is that I'm mashing up the contents.

I'm turning it into mashed potatoes.

I thought it was just essentially to make it nicer.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you get a getter, but then you've got the skin.

It's like the sort of that's like a handshake with God.

The skin, if it's cooked perfectly, is like, wow.

Hello, God.

How are you?

That's like, oh,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're not shaking.

It's beautiful.

It's nice to meet you.

The skin of a jacket potato is like the best bit of everything.

Man, that's absolutely.

I don't mind the skin.

I like a potato skin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like a potato skin.

I'm putting chips, fred fries, dauphin moires.

Dauphin comes low down for me, though.

Wow, that's going fond of potatoes.

I'm putting all them above a jacket potato in a hut.

I'm putting everything above it.

Yeah.

Bosties, Pomana, mash.

I'm saying now, a jacket potato, the wholesomeness of a jacket potato on a Sunday evening when you've, you know, you're like, oh, you know, cheese beans or tuna fish and sweet corn.

Not tuna fish and sweet corn.

Have you been to Quality Chop House?

No, no.

I want to introduce you to

just the potato that's going to blow your mind.

Really?

As a potato man, you've got to get to Quality Chop House.

They do something called a confi potato where they thinly slice potato i think i've seen it and then layer it all up yeah and like put it all in a big tray and then cut it into like sort of chip-sized things and then fry that and it is just

it's just the best thing in the world well i'm gonna hit that up yeah you got to and when i walk in i'm gonna go

and james sent me

shake everyone's hand yeah yeah walk around yeah yeah yeah little ruffle of the hair with the chef

Little scamp.

You were talking earlier about getting hate on social media.

After this podcast goes out, you you might want to lie low for a while.

Yeah.

But you just slagged off chips and put Jack and Potato ahead of them because you are going to get it.

But I think we're going to get it for slagging your jacket potatoes as well.

We'll see about that.

I think I'd like to see a world where you could see chips and jacket potatoes go head to head somehow.

Yeah.

Like get a thousand people.

Poll?

A poll.

We'll do a poll.

Easy to do a poll, but like chips is going to absolutely murder you.

Yeah.

Like,

yeah, but we might get shit from some people for jack and potato, but it'll be like old people.

Right, I want to say it now.

If it is an absolute like 300 kind of scenario here where they get an absolute mauling everyone who votes for jacket potatoes get in touch with me and we'll like have a jack and potato club or some shit yeah yeah but you you know you've just opened yourself up to an absolute world of pain because everyone who likes jacket potatoes is going to contact you now yeah and you're going to have to set up a jacket potato club and every tweet should be read in this voice hello tom i like jacket potatoes

did you just did you say everyone who likes jacket potatoes is christian yeah yeah yeah yeah i said oh yeah yeah yeah it's just uh my example of a

a boring person,

apparently.

But I'm from a Christian family.

This could be the most controversial I've ever been.

Well, some people would say that chips should just objectively be the side dish of choice for everyone, that it's actually the best decision.

I think if you're going to have a side dish and potatoes are an option, I think you should have at least 10 different potatoes that people can have.

Yeah.

Why has it never been just like a potato restaurant?

Or at least like a potato table.

Like there should be a restaurant that, you know, got a very menu, does does different main courses.

But the potato selection

is like just everything.

Like a dessert trolley for potatoes.

Well, they'll wheel it out and they've got all the selection there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or you know, like when you go to certain meat places and they've got all you know, which bit of steak do you want?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like they t bring, you know.

Like the Brazilian barbecue places where they bring it around on a skewer.

Yeah, yeah.

There's just l loads of people going around with different trays of potatoes.

Yeah, yeah.

It gets so full so quickly.

Like ten minutes in, you'd be like, oh God.

That's the name of the restaurant.

Is that

But you just have it as a side.

So it's not like you have to eat, you know, a whole load of potatoes every time.

It's just that.

And I think people would really, that's where you'd really see the potato become probably the superstar of sort of world cuisine.

Yeah.

It's already doing pretty well for me.

Yeah, but yeah, no, it is, but you know what?

It's like a, it's just a staple at the moment.

It's not got, it's not got all the, it's just living an okay life.

Yeah.

It's not getting the kudos it does.

It's not, you know, it's like bubble tea and stuff.

They have their moment in the sun.

Yeah.

So, yeah, the potato is just, yeah, oh, yeah, I have some chips, or I'll have a jacket potato.

It's not like, oh, I'll have some chips because they're the new thing on the

jacket potato is the only one that's a meal in its own right.

Yes.

So that's saying that.

And there is a jacket potato shop that actually closed in Soho that specialised in the potatoes.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it was devastated when that happened.

There was that crisp shop as well.

Do you remember that?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I do, yeah.

Just crisp.

I think it was called Hip Chips or something like that.

Is that gone as well?

I think that might have gone, yeah.

Maybe the potatoes just isn't big enough to stand on its own.

It's a sad thing, isn't it?

Unless she actually genuinely feel

really heartbroken for the potato that it's just

does it make you feel any better that chip shops are a thing and have done really well?

Yeah.

No fish and chip shops.

Yeah.

No, no, it's not a chip shop that stands on it owners.

But they call it the go in.

People call it the chippy though, right?

Yeah, they call it chip.

People go in and get just chips.

I mean, yeah, but it's not held.

It has to have a sidekick.

It has to have what is the sidekick.

I mechan.

You could just open a shop that was just the chips, and if the chips are good enough, people.

You know what, if that happens,

I will come back and I will say, you know what, thank you, chips, for every potato I love this.

We'll have you back on for another episode, and it's one minute long, yeah.

And it's just me saying thank you, chips.

It doesn't even have to be a minute long.

I could probably just do it as a sound bite and send it in.

I could probably do it a couple of me eating impressions just to yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all the different potatoes.

People have to guess which one it is.

Do you want to do three impressions now?

You're eating different types of chips and

different types of chips.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, so

different types of potato, but here's what's going to happen: yeah, you're going to do them.

We are going to guess, and you're going to tell us if we got it right, just like normal.

But in the edit, Benito will only have you eating the chips, and in the following episode, he will include the answers.

Amazing.

So he's not going to do it in this one.

So much work.

He's going to hold out the answers until next week.

I've got you, I've got you.

Thank you.

Okay.

My first one.

What I was going to do is do the actions.

Yeah.

But now it's just going to be the.

Yeah, for the listener, it just needs to be a sound.

Yeah.

Okay.

soft potatoes.

It must be a mash because it's a soft, you know.

Yeah, that was mashed potato

with skins off.

Skins off, yeah, sorry.

Okay, you ready?

Yeah,

people are absolutely going to hate this, by the way.

I'm quite enjoying it.

I think that's dope in Mars.

No, there's more texture to it than that.

I mean, obviously now

I'm expecting a mash with the skins on at some point, but I'm not sure you'd do it straight away.

I'd go roast.

It was my favorite kind of potatoes, the scallop potatoes.

Oh, eating them quickly, smashing me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's unfair.

Because earlier you were going, oh, I'm eating

my nose.

I would have got that.

Okay, okay, okay.

Is this the last one?

Last one.

Yeah.

Yeah, he likes it.

Oh, he likes that one.

Again, it's quite soft, so I'm guessing.

No, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, it's a harbor on this one.

There's a bit of bite to it.

There's a bit of bite.

Quanta potato.

Tom, are we in a world where you're just making the noise and you're deciding afterwards?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, we're not.

No, no, no.

It's not fond of potato.

I'm still doing the impression.

So, your guess?

I mean,

is it mashed with skins?

No, no, no.

No.

What was it?

A roast potato.

Oh.

Oh, that's why I had had to try and get the crunch there yeah yeah yeah

it's good going and the nodding was trying to sort of allude to the character that i'm at sort of someone's this is how good of that you are i really want some potatoes yeah i'd really maybe

that game as well is so much better i think when you can see what i'm doing yeah

we'll see how people get it at home

we'll see who gets it

Your dream drink.

You know what?

Recently I've stopped drinking alcohol now.

So it's been seven months since the euros i i sort of made a deal with myself to sort of so it was this start of the euros the end the end of euros so what happened the major final game the semi-final i was drinking with like a load of people after the game yeah um people quite a few people younger than me and i was drinking out of a picture jug and someone walked past and went there's a cigarette button that picture

I drank probably half of it and someone stubbed a fag out in it.

And I thought, I'm fucking 42.

I'm about to be a father.

This This is fucking bleak.

Yeah.

What am I doing with my life?

So I put down that picture.

I said goodbye to everyone and my friends.

Never seen that again like that.

No, no, no, no.

I've just, I said, good luck with your roast potatoes.

And I walked away.

And then from there,

I've just, I just thought,

I drank so much.

I was sort of like, it was a part of my life that was just sort of constant, like pub, pub, pub.

From working on sites to them doing stand-up and then working like as an actor, you constantly, it felt like alcohol was just just a massive part of that yeah and actually i was like i'm just a bit done with that yeah so seven months so now soft drinks are kicking and and like it's a bit of a weird one this because i've listened to this this podcast a lot so i know where it's like with the the diet pep like the diet pepsi vibe i'm obsessed with coke zero okay so i'm a coke zero kind of guy yeah i love a coke zero yeah i think that i have it pretty much with at least one meal a day

I like the ice-cold fizziness of it.

As you know, I like an ice-cold drink.

Is it colder in in Kettering?

It's colder if I put it in the freezer for half an hour before my meal.

But yeah, I like I love a Coke Zero.

Why are you choosing Coke Zero over a Diet Coke, for example?

I don't know.

I think the taste is just Coke Zero is so much better to taste.

It's like I just find, I don't know, Diet Coke is that sort of dull, horrible sort of flavor.

I think you taste more that there's no sugar in Diet Coke than you do Coke Zero.

That's why I find it more refreshing, Diet Coke.

I could probably have two or three Diet Coke in a row, whereas Coke Zero, you feel like you've you feel like you've had a drink.

But that's the danger.

Yeah.

If you get something that you can have two or three coke.

I've actually got to a point now that I was drinking

so much of it that I can't even finish a can sometimes.

I think I've got so used to sort of squaffing it down.

Yeah.

Now it's got to the point where I leave like a little bit in the bottom.

I actually think that there's actually a thing that I don't think anyone's ever fully finished any can of drink ever.

What?

What are you talking about?

Let me tell you this.

This is serious.

Yeah, good luck.

Good luck with this.

You will think you've finished every can of drink.

Yes.

Right?

Right.

Next time you've got a can of drink, right?

Do that, finish it, give it a little shake, you think it's finished, then just knock it over onto your carpet.

I guarantee there'll be some residue.

I mean, yeah, because there could be some residue.

I mean, no one thinks it's by the way.

But no one's completely ever

completely finished a whole can of drink.

I think that that's where.

But if that's what you if you mean by those standards, then yeah, what no one's finished anything ever because there's like

I could finish this glass of water now.

No, there'll always be like a bit of water.

Finish it now and then hold it upside down over your hand.

Yeah, here we go.

Another compelling bit of.

I mean, this is worth it.

Yeah, okay.

Hold it up now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, no, but I'm saying there's a noticeable stain when you have a like.

Yeah, it's water.

This is water.

Yeah, no, no.

It's not going to stay.

But you'll see a puddle at least so big.

I mean, it's again, it's a visual medium.

Yeah, but I'm not sure the audience.

He held it upside down over his hand.

And a few drops of water went.

Yeah, yeah, but what I'm saying, with a can, you'll see at least something that's probably 350 piece big.

Right.

350.

No,

but it was going to get you a can of fizzy drink of Coat Zero, if we got it.

Are we down in the Coat Zero?

Well, no, you've already said you can't finish a whole one anyway.

Yeah, well, you might.

When you say you can't finish a whole one, do you mean that there's always that stuff?

No, no, no, no, I know.

Can you literally not finish it?

No, no, now I have just a little bit left for some reason.

Did you ever think that within seven months you go from someone who's drinking lager from a pitcher to someone who can't finish a whole soft drink?

If you want, you can just pour all that into that glass that you had the water in.

Right.

And then tip it over onto the table.

and then knock the cut onto the table.

Are you ready?

I am ready.

This is exciting.

Here we go.

Filled up the glass now.

I feel like you know, like when they get scientists on these things, yeah, right, that's everything out, right?

Well, is it hang on?

That didn't feel like you emptied it all properly, like most people would.

Okay,

right, 350.

Okay, well, that's a lot.

You saw that.

Okay, I still maintain when you were pouring that out, you deliberately deliberately didn't fully pull it

again all right that's true yeah it's like when you it's it's like when you hit like 35 and you you start going for a piss and you zip everything back yeah and then you end up with mickey drips yeah okay

i actually there's there's a i feel like some not a street magician like a street scientist like they are i was just like ed's face there yeah was absolutely it was like oh yeah i pulled the puddle there yeah yeah i essentially yeah emptied the can of dark coke but what what happened when i pulled it up there again?

You did do it.

You are like an ESG

science.

I'm like David Blaine of Science.

Yeah.

You are a bit like David Blaine of science, actually.

But yeah, I mean, to be fair, that first puddle was a bigger puddle of Diet Coke than I was expecting.

And then the other one blew my mind, the next one.

And then the fact that more came out of it still.

I like that.

You were saying about the Diet Coke,

how much you can finish drinking one cat.

Last drop of Coke.

Yeah, you enjoyed that?

Enjoying the Diet.

That's a Diet Coke.

But still, you're missing that zero vibe, but that's good.

Yeah.

Really hydrating.

I'm glad to keep you satisfied.

I don't like that they changed the design on the Coke Zero cans because it used to be a black can.

Yeah, actually, yes.

And they changed it to look too much like a normal Coke.

And as a type 1 diabetic man, I obviously need to drink the zero sugar drinks.

So occasionally I've been brought a Coke Zero and I have that moment of panic where I'm halfway through drinking it.

I'm like, oh, is this definitely a Coke Zero?

And I hate, I hate it.

I want everyone to know that I'm drinking a Coke Zero.

I don't want them to look over and think I'm drinking a Coca-Cola and I'm just a basic bitch.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, who even drinks fully fat Coke now?

Basic bitches.

Yeah.

People who are hungover, I think, as well.

Yeah, yeah.

I always love the look of someone who's on sort of like public transport and they've got like a two-litre bottle of fucking full fat Coke.

They're just quaffing it.

And illusory.

At home, though, my wife won't drink.

So she has Pepsi Max.

Yeah.

We have a real, like, yeah, sort of.

It's a divided household.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what if she says to you, like, do you ever have arguments about that?

No, I mean, lucky enough I'm doing well enough for myself that we can have the option.

You know, if we get to a place where, you know, we can only pick one, I think that's where things will become quite awkward.

But you've never been like, why do you prefer those?

I don't understand.

It's not as nice as this lovely coat save.

We've had that discussion and then a couple of times, sort of like, you know, I might just, on special occasions, I might just go, oh, fuck it, I love a Pepsi Max.

Yeah.

And it's, yeah.

I've got a bit of gas from that.

That's what we have with

Dark Coke.

Yeah, extra gas.

More gas.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

My palate's not ready for it.

Yeah, for sort of like buzziness of excitement.

Yeah, and bad, like I put a cigarette out and that.

Yeah, of course.

We know how you like it.

So we come on to your dessert.

Yeah, I'm going to go with my grandmother's lemon meringue pie.

Yeah, yeah.

Can't go wrong.

Like it was

the best thing

as a kid.

I used to love

busting out that lemon meringue pie sitting in the centre of the table.

Just can't wait to get through the rest of the meal just to crack onto that thing.

So would your grandma put the lemon marang pie in the middle of the table at the beginning of the meal and then we'd all have to sit there looking at it?

Like a tease.

You get through the rest of the shit.

What you want waiting for, yeah?

I like to think of it, you know, like just sitting there steaming and sort of like looking good, like sort of the meringue or sort of freshly done.

But I don't think it was ever on the centre of the table.

That's how I like to imagine.

You're imagining it on the table while you're eating the rest of the title.

But I think it was sort of sat in the kitchen, just sort of smiling at me.

Would you ever nip out to the kitchen early and just like sorry, I was going to make sure it's still there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Grab it.

Take a little taste of it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Now you get in trouble.

No, but another thing as well, I think you've really got, I'm very like, I think you've got to wait for that dessert.

I think everything has to be savoured in courses.

Yeah.

And I think like, you know, that first moment when you just grab that slice.

I've been since then, I've like a sort of almost like a Willie Fog kind of vibe of trying to find a meringue that's good that sort of means as much to me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think it is one of those situations with lemon meringue pies are best homemade.

Yes.

Like, I haven't had one in a restaurant that's as nice as numerous ones I've had, like, made by people at their homes.

My nan's one was brilliant.

My mum's one, my sister's.

Like, way better than anything.

Same family recipe?

I don't know, you know.

I wouldn't be surprised if my sister maybe got the recipe off my mum, but maybe not.

You know, she's her own woman now.

I always get so, I get a sort of sight, like a weird sort of excitement whenever I go go into a restaurant.

I've got a lemon meringue pie on the menu there.

And it's always an anti-climax.

There's one in East London.

I can't remember the name.

It's terrible.

I can't remember the name of the restaurant now.

It's out of my head.

But they do this.

The meringue is incredible.

It's like a shark figure.

Gloria.

Yeah.

But it's just too much.

It's crazy and it looks amazing.

Yeah.

But the meringue is huge.

I went there with my wife and I was like so excited.

I literally wolfed the whole, it was like took me back to me in a kit.

I was wolfing through like, you know, all right mate come on get that pasta out though you know what i mean i'm like i can't wait to get to this uh this meringue and actually it wasn't fluffy it's quite a dense meringue innit and it it's just so

big

like like genuine by the time you get to the lemon it's like you've you've done you've you've done about four miles of meringue it's like the lemon's the best bit as well it is yeah yeah because it's the whole point of the lemon meringue part otherwise you might as well just order a meringue the lemon should be so sharp that the meringue is just there to cut through the sharpness so the sweetness and also there's a fluffiness is really a dense meringue.

The fluffiness to a homemade meringue is like that's just something really sacred.

Yeah.

The worst thing I've ever had, and I actually felt like just walking out and just saying to them, this isn't good enough, is when they put like a shop brought meringue.

It's quite clearly with the lemon under it.

Yeah, and it's just too crunchy.

Yeah.

It's like CL8 relegator on that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it knows you're mad at you.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll just literally pour my drink over it.

Unless it's accompanied with the phrase, I'll see you in court.

I went through a phase in lockdown.

I bought a jar of lemon curd out of nowhere, didn't expect to, and would just occasionally just go to the fridge and just stick my finger in it.

And every time it's tasted like a lemon meringue pie to me, I thought this is like lemon meringue pie mix in a jar.

That's what I've got.

I mean, it's not, it's very surprising to me that we've not heard this before.

That during during the lockdown, you bought a jar of lemon curd and would regularly just go to the fridge, dip your finger in it, and then let your finger.

I love thinking about how it was like a lemur.

I love thinking about how it was like a lemon meringue pie.

I love the idea of you just leaning on the fridge, just going, oh, yeah.

That's nice.

I like it, yeah.

Yeah, because of course

lemon meringue pies and you know, the ingredients to make a lemon meringue pie were all banned during the first couple of lockdown, weren't they?

So you just had to get that hit.

Wouldn't it be nice if like having a cigarette or like sort of drinking, like it was more socially acceptable to take like a jar of sort of like curd out with you and sort of just run your finger around it and just go, you're right.

I'd be alright with that if everyone went outside to do it.

Yeah.

In a smoking area.

Do you want a cigarette?

No, I'm just curding mate.

So having a bit of curd.

Curd, by the way.

Passion fruit curd is my favourite.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, passion fruit curd is incredible.

But nothing.

makes it like you know a company's meringue and goes hand in hand as sweetly as lemon yeah or as sourly as lemon yeah and do you have anything with the your grandmother's lemon meringue

No, no, no, no, no ice cream, nothing.

No, no, no, no, just it almost there's nothing that can match up to it, it's like the Muhammad Ali of sort of desserts.

Someone else is in the ring, but it sort of doesn't really matter who that is.

So float like a meringue sting like a lemon.

You say that?

That's an amazing,

yeah, yeah.

That's good, yeah, that actually works.

Yeah, yeah, that actually really works.

I didn't think it would.

Yeah, it's really late.

I thought in my head, this will be stupid.

So the stupid thing.

Oh, float like a meringue sting like a lemon.

That's actually quite good.

I'm gonna read you your order back see how you feel about it you want some ketrin tap water yep you want tiger bread with salty butter yeah starter french onion soup yeah with a crouton on the top crouton on the bottom from the place in bordeaux yeah main course irish boxy lamb yep side four bags of scalloped potatoes yeah drink coke zero dessert your grandmother's lemon meringue pie sweet as it comes

Feel good about that?

You know what?

I feel amazing about that.

That's lovely.

It does sound nice.

That'll fill you up as well.

There's a lot of bread in there.

Stick to your bread.

And you know what?

Thank God I've gone with Coke Zero.

Yeah, it's quite a calorific meal.

And two courses in a row where it's just sort of like quite thick brown stuff.

French onion soup.

French onion soup followed by Irish box.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there's a lot of, yeah, and quite a lot of onions in boxes as well.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I like the fact that

that's a belly tapper afterwards, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that a sign of a good meal for you?

Tap your belly?

If you ever see me eating out and you're just watching what I'm doing yeah and if i don't tap my belly at the end of that meal you know oh fucking hell he's going to be complaining about that he'll be a trip advisor on the way so what's the scenario that you put us in there so are we we're in a restaurant and you happen to be in the restaurant as well we're just watching you you're eating as well we're eating with you yeah but i come walking in and i go james hey how are you both doing you're like handshakes yeah handshakes of course

you know kevin he's oh kevin certainly yeah kev how you do mate handshake to kev yeah um kev both a can of kevs the rhino right

comes in

Nodded.

We're shocked, obviously, because it was a fucking rhino in the last.

Just with a tray on his back of the food.

We worked there.

Kevin works there.

Okay.

Yeah, I'd order you a cut of dark Coke, dark Pepsi each, get him a can each, would you?

Yeah.

I'd go and sit on my table.

So you're coming in ordering us a drink and sick on the table.

No, you're not like, instead of a bottle of wine, I'll go, get him a Coke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dark Pepsi, Jones?

Yeah, yeah, thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Enjoy the rest of your meal.

Kevin, look after them.

I'd then bowl over.

Yeah.

I'd bowl over to my table

because I'm eating alone and I don't want to infringe on your meal.

And then you'd probably both just sort of like, you know, what's he up to?

And I'd sort of at the end of the meal, if I do this,

tap my stomach.

Yeah.

That's nice.

You know, and you see me walk around, give a handshake, you know I've enjoyed it.

If you see me just look at the plate, sigh a little bit, get up, put my coat on and sort of walk out.

You know, I've not.

I think in that scenario, I would rather see

you just like look at your plate and get up and put your coat on and walk out because you've come in so bold as brass,

you know, shaking everyone's hands, ordering them drinks, introducing them to the major D who's a rhino, sitting down on your own and not even joining anyone because you want to have your dinner on your own, and then hating your meal and then leaving it in silence.

It's just pretty a lot more satisfying.

The idea that we'd be sat in this restaurant watching you, just watching so intently and not ignoring the rhino waiter?

Yeah, yeah, that would be the headline for us.

Not whether you attack your stomach or not at the end.

Can I get off a bit early?

I'll just be quite amused that that's how you were handling the whole situation.

Coming, you met Kev, yeah.

It's not very good.

Kev goes on, walks out.

Tom, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

We've loved having you here.

Thank you, Tom.

Thank you for having me.

Well, there we are.

What a great menu.

What a great chat.

What a great guy.

Thank you so much, Tom, for coming on.

I'm very much looking forward to watching The Curse.

Yes.

Sundays, 10 p.m.

on Channel 4.

All episodes available to stream on all four.

Well done.

Everyone has to do that.

I don't think there's a person in this country who gets to saying what the streaming service for Channel 4 is called and doesn't go 4 OD.

No.

All four.

All four.

All four.

I know you said more for.

Yeah, that's a channel.

It's a whole different channel.

Yeah.

It's not on that.

That's not confusing.

But we're very much looking forward to the curse.

And do also check out the Wolf and Owl podcast with Tom and Rom.

Tom and Rom.

The Tomesh podcast.

Yes, it's very, very good.

It's very fun.

Tomash.

I mean,

he's too busy.

How is he doing that?

How is he squeezing another podcast?

Absolutely crazy.

It's pretty incredible.

And I'm very glad that Tom didn't say Jack Daniels.

Yes.

Well,

he didn't even come close to saying Jack Daniels.

He said, forget it.

No, no, no.

No booze for this guy.

Relief.

Blessed relief there.

Blessed relief.

Especially because I felt quite risky, you know, making the secret ingredient in the drink course, because that means I could have got chucked out before dessert.

Risky whiskey.

Risky whiskey, baby.

Risky whiskey.

I'm feeling frisky.

Whiskey business.

Let's not forget that I'm on tour as well, doing my show electric, edgamble.co.uk for tickets.

I'm all over the UK.

It's a good show.

I can say that now.

I've started the tour.

It's a good show.

The reviews are in.

No, they're not, actually.

Oh.

No, so we're going to keep that quiet.

But it is a good show,

regardless of any reviews that are not in.

Hey, and thanks to Momo Kombucho, who sent us some booch.

Mo kombucha, mo problems.

And we had, we actually had a couple, just a couple of lads.

We did.

Standing out there swigging a booch.

Turmeric's my favourite flavour of the Momo.

Oh, the ginger.

Ginger Momo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, thanks for that.

Thanks very much for listening to the Off-Menu podcast.

We will see you again next week.

Goodbye.

Sayonara.

Hello, I'm Louis Anders, and if you've enjoyed this podcast, you might like my podcast, Cuddle Club.

It's about cuddling, yes.

But really, it's just a way into relationships and asking cheeky questions like who was your mum's favourite and when were you lost unfaithful.

Previous guests include Alan Davies, Ashton B, Catherine Myan, Mitch Rich Dosman, Ed Gamble, Nish Kumar, and other legends.

Get it on ACAS, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

And remember to CC everybody in.

CC stands for cutter club.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

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Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true, Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.