Best of 2021: Part 1

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Hello, and welcome, James, and people listening to the Off-Menu end of year 2021 Best Off Special.

Wow, 2021 was the best year off-menu ever.

Everyone agrees?

Benito agrees, Ed agrees, and I agree.

And that's the three main voices that matter when it comes to how good off-menu is.

Actually, that's not true at all, James, because there's another voice that you listen to when it comes to off-menu.

Jason Belizzi.

No, I believe that she agrees as well.

My mother?

Yes.

Yes.

My mother said it's the best one.

Well, that's what we're really talking about here is that your mum said it was the best one.

So now you think it's the best one.

Because you don't listen to it, but your mum texts you every time she's listened to it.

She does.

And she said it was the best series ever.

And then she got really angry at Sarah kendall for being a bully so i don't know actually i haven't i haven't checked on her what she thinks about that maybe she's changed her opinion on the series do you think that's tarnished the whole year for her it could have you know and left a bitter taste in her mouth at the end of the year but then you know we're recording this pre-the harry hill episode going out so who knows maybe that'll sweeten the pill again i don't think sarah kendall was a bully i'm gonna throw my hat into the ring here i didn't feel like she bullied me but uh my mum's protective She saw her cub being cornered by a Tasmanian devil and

she felt like I was being bullied.

Okay, let's flip the script.

I think your mum's a bully.

Hey, I mean, make the case and it shall be seen.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

I'm saying.

Tell me how.

Look, make the case and it shall be seen.

It's been such a great year for Off Menu, James.

Look, it's been 2021.

That's something that we all know.

It's been 45 episodes of Off Menu.

It's been a very productive year for Off Menu.

Yeah, so many great guests.

Anthony Jeselnik.

No, no, that wasn't this year and you didn't enjoy that one.

That wasn't this year.

No, you didn't enjoy that one.

You cried afterwards.

My favourite episode.

And that's all the clips we're giving you this year.

No, that was last year.

That was last year.

You're getting mixed up now.

We have put out 45 episodes this year, year, James.

You must remember some of them.

Yeah, I do remember them, actually.

It was a roller coaster ride.

Loads of stuff over Zoom, obviously.

Recording in lockdowns.

Things opened up again and we did some in person.

Now it's the end of the year and we're all confused.

Excellent.

Well done for remembering all the key details for this best of episode.

Some were over Zoom, some weren't over Zoom, and now we're all confused.

Yes, that's exactly the narrative of the year.

And I think off-menu sums up everyone's experience of 2021.

So here today is part one of our favorite clips from all of those episodes that we've put out this year.

It has to be in two parts James because like you and your mum say it's been a great year for off menu.

So we're dividing them up as we always do into sort of little thematic chapters.

Benito's done this for us and he's written us some excellent scripts to get us into each clips package.

He has done and he said to us, just like our ad reads always say to us, stick to the wording.

Don't mess around and put your own spin on it.

So we're gonna stick to it Benito I want you to know everything we say from here on in on the podcast is gonna be exactly as Benito has written it exactly this first section is called inventions and it's written

I like to invent things to put on my winkie

I don't know why I'm laughing that's what it says well it says

I like to invent things to put on my winkie I don't know what Clippy's about to play.

I don't got no idea.

Actually, there's something else written here that I am going to read out as well.

Look, it's Inventions is about the food and drinks inventions, James, because guests invent their own recipes.

They've got their own nicknames for stuff.

They flip the script on food on a regular basis.

They do crazy stuff.

Crisps as a starter, for example.

Putting chicken in a blender, for example.

Quite frankly, disgusting stuff a lot of the time.

Some of them wind us up, some of them wind up the listeners, but they are entertaining every single time.

I love hearing a bit of invention, a bit of creativity from the guests.

And we've got some great ones here from the likes of Bob Mortimer, Munya Chihuahua, Emily Atak, Joe Wicks, Joel Kim Booster, Simon Amstel, Rosie Jones, me telling big Zoom about the scone-based pizza that I made, and then Bob Mortimer again.

It's a Bob Mortimer bookend this section.

But here's the thing I would like to introduce you to.

Just remembered

I made mashed potato from potato crisps, and it is really nice.

Is it?

Okay.

It is really nice, yeah.

Colour me and treat.

How do you do it?

Three packs of walkers, plain.

Yeah.

No, that's not your usual brand.

Yeah, normally Seabrooks.

Seabrooks would be if Seabrooks, that would just be too much.

If you made mice potato with Seabrooks,

honestly, you'd just be the king.

Garments would be sold for you.

Parades.

So don't I and then I don't know how much, you know, like, I'm gonna say a centimetre of water, hardly any water, centimetre of water.

Let it all break down into, and you'll suddenly say,

this mashed potato form in here.

And then, just because the colour's not great,

it's a little bit yellowy, just put a little bit of cream in.

Yeah.

Stir that in.

Delicious.

And I kid you not, it really is nice.

How close is it to actual mashed potatoes?

Could you give it to someone and say there's some mashed potatoes?

Yeah, and they would not.

They wouldn't know.

They wouldn't notice the difference.

They would think it's quirky mashed potato, but they'd certainly think it was potato-based mush.

So, there you go.

There's that's like a tip in it.

That's a good tip.

Yeah, that's a good tip.

Uh, make some I mean, hopefully, some listeners will try that

and can let us know how it goes for them.

It's really nice.

And the other one is: do you like tips or no?

Yeah, love tips.

Yeah, don't worry, man.

The other one is on the last days of gone fishing, I did corn on the cob,

yeah, and then you get a pack of what's it's crush it to a fine powder, and then roll the corn in the what's-it dust.

I like this.

No, this sounds nice.

That sounds very nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would.

It does well, it's really nice.

Have you ever tried What's It Mash?

With bits of corn niblets in it.

Yeah.

And you could give that a name, couldn't you?

Yeah, you could name that.

You could name that, couldn't you?

I think you could come up with a name for it immediately.

You could.

Truncheon or something?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or just knock us up some truncheon.

Yeah, yeah.

Pop it ups or bread.

Poppetobs or bread, Mayachiwaba.

Pop it ups or bread.

Do you know what?

I'm gonna say bread.

I'm gonna say it for two reasons.

Number one, I had a traumatic experience with poppa dums where my dad tried

there's a pattern here.

My dad's a cook, right?

He's a Zimbabwean guy.

Zimbabwean food is alright.

You know what I mean?

Like if you go to Italy, you get pasta, da-da-da-da.

Go to Spain, you get paella.

In Zimbabwe, the main dish is kind of like this big lump of maize.

which you put with a bit of vegetables, a bit of meat.

It can taste nice, but you know,

it's not the kind of height of of culinary perfection.

So, anyway, my dad one day said, I'm gonna make a curry.

Now,

I mean, the curry itself was basically just chunks of meat floating around in like a brown liquid.

But my dad had obviously seen pop-a-doms before, but just didn't know where do you get them, how do you make them.

So, when I sit down for this curry now,

there's just a bowl of quavers in the middle of the table

and uh just cheesy quavers with this sort of meaty gloop.

That was enough to put me off of poppa dums for life.

Had he made the quavers or did he buy them?

Just a packet of quavers and put them in the...

He just bought them.

Just bought them.

I mean, I obviously love that.

And I love that it's put you off poppa dumbs.

Yeah.

Even though it was just a bowl of quavers.

Yeah, but just the sensation of this cheesy taste with this curry is just, I don't want to know what a real Pop of Dumb tastes tastes like now.

Sure, it's been putting your head.

Was it something for years that would get bought up a lot at the time?

The quavers, or was your dad quite sensitive about it, didn't want to hear it, didn't want to be made fun of?

No, he's very sensitive about that.

He was convinced that he would go into Dragon's Den with these,

basically, you know, this white stuff I told you, this sadza, which is like this ball of maize.

He thought that he had come up with this idea where if you put the pan onto like a searingly hot heat and it starts to burn the outside, that he'd created sort of like a maizey Maltese and he was like no guys trust me this is going to take us on dragon's den and it's going to be amazing like don't tell anyone about this don't tell anyone about sadza balls I was like I'm not gonna dad don't worry

so a lot of my you know a lot of my cooking my cooking anxiety comes from my dad for sure Sally what was his idea was that he would get a ball of maize put it in a searing hot pan and burn the outside of it and that was the product of making Maltese that's the product

because you're not used to having crispy sadza

so it was the fact that something that we've grown up knowing as soft is suddenly now crispy yes so no one was doing that yeah sadza ball so he'd really reinvented the sadza wheel but it's the fact that

so i kind of don't mind the fact he's come up with that and called him sadzaballs i think that's great but what what i like is that he thinks he can take it on dragon's den

it's not a product it's not it's not it's something that anyone could do at home So it's just an idea that here's a suggestion.

Why not get your Sadza ball and put it on the serving hot heat and burn it all the way around so it's grizzly?

But he's gone, I can sell this.

But he's just selling a suggestion to people.

Yeah, like any good businessman would.

Sure.

Presumably on Dragon's Den, he'd be explaining to them what Sadza is to start with, right?

So they'd have to get over that hurdle.

And then he'd have to go, but imagine it different.

Imagine this thing you've never heard of different.

Okay, you're not bought into it.

I can see, how about a pop-adon?

Yeah, I'm bringing the quavers.

A packet of quavers that I bought from the shop on the way here.

Here's my idea.

Give someone a packet of quavers and call them pop-a-dums.

That's my little idea.

Who's it?

You know, that sort of time, like at about sort of eight o'clock in the evening, and it's like, oh, gorgeous.

You're a bit sunburned, and everyone's like walking down to the restaurant, one's chatting.

That's a bit of a vibe.

That's the next bit.

That walk is nice.

Are you taking a drink with you for the walk?

Yeah.

Yeah.

We call it a bot for the germ.

What?

So it's a

A bot for the journal?

I know James so well now that when I hear something I know he's gonna he's gonna absolutely love it and it's all he's gonna want to talk about.

A bot for the journal James.

A bot for the journal.

I mean

I'll tell you what you wouldn't want to see on a bot for the journal.

A bot that is on a journal.

You would not want to see a...

A bot.

That's something I'm using that.

I'm using bot for the journal.

Yeah, absolutely.

We're like, should we get take a little bot for the journal?

Who started saying that?

Yeah.

When did it become a thing that you all say that to each other?

Me and my mates, we started saying this like 10 years ago when we started going out, like to actually know it must have been longer now.

Basically, when we started going out clubbing, you know, we created Bot for the German because on the way in the taxi with all the screaming going on, you need a pissy bottle of cheap wine, you know, to be drinking on the way.

It's now not a bottle of pissy cheap, it would be something nice that we have now.

But yeah, that's where it came from.

Bot for the germ, you know, piling in a cab and all kind of

like a gaggle.

But you're saying on holiday, this is a walk, right?

A walk from the balcony to the restaurant.

Yeah, how long is the walk, the journey that you need a whole bot?

Well, to be honest, now it's it's not really now a bottle, it's it can just be like a little plastic cup of something that you've been drinking.

But because bot for the journey, it's just evolved.

It's still called bot for the journey, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to have a bottle, it just means a drink for the journey.

Nothing else works.

I've gone through all the different options in my head, nothing works

for the journey, glass for the journey doesn't work.

Everybody else is like one syllable.

Glass, cup, mug.

So you just have to go bot for the journey.

Yeah.

Because

it's the only one you can shorten anyway.

And it's lovely.

So now, so walking down to the to a restaurant with a drink in hand, with your bot for the journey.

B for the J, sometimes we've shortened it to.

Yeah, well, that's going to get confusing.

So don't start going.

Anyone over here in that, that girls with their family.

What's so funny, though, is that we've been using it for so long now.

Like my mum and like my aunts and everyone say it as well.

But we now say it very seriously because there's no irony to it anymore.

We're saying it very seriously.

We go, have you got a pot for the journey?

Okay.

So like when you sort of hear like mum or like my auntie Amy saying going, darling, have you got a pot for the journey?

Yeah, of course.

We've heard about your mum and your auntie Amy before.

And it does not surprise me that they have adopted the drinking slang of you and your uni buddies.

You and your uni mates.

It's just a very normal thing we say now.

Mum will go, love,

love, love, love.

Have you got a pop for the journey?

Yeah, yep, got it.

Right.

And then we walk to the restaurant.

Your sister goes on the walk with a full lasagna under her arms.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got a las for the journey.

Our other meal, our other uh meal that Auntie Amy cooks us, las and sal.

So we call it las and sal, which is like Sunday lasagna and salad that we love.

And so if we're having like a las and sal day at Auntie Amy's,

we know that's going to be a big old piss-up as well.

A lasie sundae.

Yeah.

It used to be the pasta piss-up and then it changed to she started making these really nice lasagnas.

And now we call it the las and sal, like after a bit of las and sale.

Like when you, you know, when you're having las and sal at Auntie Amy's, it's going to go off.

But it used to be called a pasta piss-up, just to be clear.

Yeah.

Yeah, the pasta pizza.

The great British pasta piss-up.

And now your mum always checks that you've got a bot for the gern, the way that most people's mothers check if they've got their keys or something like that.

Yeah.

Got your bot for the gern, darling.

To be honest, I'm normally stratting for the gin and tonics.

I have a little glass of water on the side, but it's mainly a gin and tonic kind of affair, isn't it?

When you eat out.

Well, we can do that.

If you want a gin and tonic straight away, we can do that for you.

Yeah, let's chuck the water out the window.

We can get a gin and tonic.

Well, I'd imagine you're a very well-hydrated man, anyway, so we can just tuck straight into the gin if you want.

You wouldn't give a merman a glass of water when he's just got out of the water

and been under there for ages.

A gin and tonic would be a nice little kicker just to liven me up a little bit, but that's not my main drink.

I'm saving my main drink for later, yeah?

That's fine.

You can have the gin and tonic instead of the water.

Looks like water anyway.

No one will know the difference.

Yeah.

Speaking of slices of lemon, though, you know what I think is one of the most beautiful things, and not enough people appreciate how beautiful it looks, is a wedge of lemon that's been cut the wedge and then left in the fridge.

And I love how it then goes over time and it just looks like a perfect, like a sculpture.

The way that the skin goes, the membrane over the fruit, and it just

adopts a kind of like sheen to it.

It looks so immaculate and perfect.

I don't know.

Well, that rotten lemon.

Yeah, thank you, Joe.

I mean, I know me and Joe were thinking exactly the same thing when you were describing that.

You're talking about an old lemon.

No, no.

You're talking about like, it's the same as saying, oh, I'd love to leave a bit of cheese out and wait until it gets that beautiful green colour on it.

I'd love to leave a bit of cheese out.

It's the same thing.

But like, this looks beautiful, though.

You know what I'm talking about?

No, it doesn't look beautiful.

I'm not talking about a moldy lemon.

A lemon, really.

I sort of get him.

I use it straight away, so I wouldn't, I haven't really observed one over a few days, but I have a look.

I like, not a few days.

Not a few days, I mean.

I'll do a test in my next one.

I'm not leaving for a few days, but maybe a while.

I know.

Maybe a day.

That sounds like it's going to be a very disappointing live stream for you, Joe.

People tuning in, expecting another workout, and you're going, today we're going to observe a lemon over a few days.

You've got a time-lapse, haven't you, really?

Yeah.

You've got a time-lapse, that one.

Gin and tonic, what your measures in there?

I'm normally a two-for-one, double, like a double.

I've got a little gin collection at the moment.

I'm obsessed with like flavoured gin.

So

I normally, to be honest, I free pour most of my drinks, but I normally have a little double shot with like one Mediterranean fever tree tonic.

and then I like a bit of fruit so put a few raspberries or blueberries or something in it just so it's a little bit of a fruit salad at the end like that and my kids come up to me like always trying to get the the gin infused raspberries off me and they're only like two i'm like you can't have my gin infused raspberries all right i have one

let's have one see how you react

that went badly okay fine do you want to see my little gin bar yes please so i moved into this house in um in july last year and that the previous owners had had a bar built and i mean i would never build a bar in my house right but i thought i'm keeping that so i've got loads of gin over there there.

I've got my own little gin bar.

See my little gin bar.

Oh, amazing.

That's a proper bar.

That's a proper bar.

And I haven't been able to have any like family and friends over because we've not been able to, obviously, because of the restrictions, I can't wait to like get my friends around and have a proper

little party and a little gin cocktail and stuff.

But yeah, it's a nice thing to have because it's a social room, but we don't really come in here because it's now where I listen to and record my podcast, believe it or not.

Quite tricky to sit at a bar in your house by yourself.

Must be quite a sort of sad, bleak feeling, I'd imagine.

Yeah, I do come in here and pour one.

so my my little daughter indie she's so funny she basically thinks she's having a gin and tonic she calls it a gin ton she says can we have a gin ton daddy and i bring her in and we i pretend to pour the gin and then i put a little bit of tonic water in her in her cup and i put some ice and some berries into she really just loves the berries and the flavor of the tonic but she's obsessed and she said the other day it's so funny we did some face paint and we painted painted our faces and it was really early it was only like four o'clock and obviously i normally have my gins like in the evening so we have like one a night sort of thing and she went oh daddy daddy can we have an early gin ton and it's the way she said it she was so excited.

So, we cracked up laughing.

And now we call it an early gin ton if we have it before like five o'clock.

Um,

I've got like pink grapefruit one and mango and rhubarb.

There's so many different flavours, but gin, I never used to touch gin, I was literally like vodka and lemonade or vodka and coke.

And now, like, as an as I've grown up, I just love gin now, I think it's wonderful.

Also, she's probably acting like an adult when they discover gin, just asking for it all the time, and then eventually being like, Can we have an early one?

Let's have an early one.

Let's do that.

Come on, come on, yeah, she and she went to school, she went to nursery and said, Oh, me and daddy make a gin ton in the bar.

And then they're like, I said to nursery, she said, it's only a tonic she's having, but she thinks it's keep playing it up, keep it up.

We're telling her it's a gin ton.

That's so funny.

I had to write a story when I was a kid at school.

And for some reason, I chose a story where it was someone digging up treasure on an island.

And they kept finding just instead of the treasure, chests full of like empty vodka bottles and then empty gin bottles and then empty whiskey bottles.

And I told my mum and she was like,

what are you doing?

They're going to think I'm a massive alcoholic.

Like clearly everything at home was just clinking empty spirit bottles.

Standard.

Pirates love to drink, didn't they?

They were always boozy, weren't they?

The pirates.

It was one of their just their used to swap alcohol for like guns and stuff, didn't they?

Yeah.

And my mum's a boozy pirate.

No rum bottles there.

No.

So, you know, already.

The teacher's ruling out that.

It's a calming pirates.

There's no rum bottles.

It's clearly.

Mrs.

Gamble, that's a problem.

I don't like enjoy food anymore.

Like, I don't really, like, eat it to enjoy it.

I do a lot of, like, it's very utilitarian.

My view on food now is very utilitarian.

Like I blend a lot of chicken just to get it in my body quickly because I'm very like

I have a certain amount of calories I need to hit in a day and like I have so much time and so I'll just throw two chicken breasts in a blender with some water, blend it up and then I can eat two chicken breasts in like 90 seconds.

It's amazing.

When you said this is going to be the shittiest episode, I was like, no way.

And then you blended the chicken breasts.

I was like, he's right.

This guy doesn't even eat food.

There's a, I post sometimes I'll post a video of it on Instagram and I'll just shed like a hundred followers.

Of course.

Everyone is so upset.

It's like you've moved into an old people's home early.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that's actually where I got the idea from.

Oh, yeah, of course.

No, because my grandma was in hospice care for so long and we're blending her food.

And I was like, well, that sounds actually quite smart.

All those old people are rich.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How good they're all looking.

Not in a hospice.

Hospice is really sexy.

Yeah.

Okay, so we've sort of, we've got an idea of the sort of thing.

Do you even season the chicken breasts?

Is it just like you can do it?

Sometimes I'll, like, if I get it from, like, a restaurant, it'll come seasoned.

But sometimes I'll just throw two chicken breasts in a microwave for a couple of minutes until it's cooked and then throw it in the blender.

It's microwave blend.

It's microwave.

Microwave chicken breasts.

Yeah, I just need it to be cooked.

And then throw it in the blender.

And then sometimes if I'm low on like the amount of calories I need to get, I will put olive oil in the water mixture with the chicken.

And that, I guess, is sort of seasoning it in a way.

Well, not seasoning it, but it adds a little bit of flavor.

I think this is the one because it's the easiest because I can just stay at home for it.

It's pasta with grilled aubergine, spinach, pine nuts toasted, walnuts toasted, and pesto.

That sounds very nice.

And is this right at home?

Is this something that you make?

That's just, I'm just making that.

And so that's no problem for anyone.

Talk us through it, because people people are going to want to make this at home themselves.

Oh, okay.

If this is your dream meal and it's something you can just make at home, I reckon people would appreciate the Yamstell pasta.

Well, I don't know if it's that complicated, but I'm sure let's see if I can.

I mean, I feel like

as I explained it, people might go, yeah, pasta.

You just make pasta.

But yeah, you get some pasta from a packet.

What kind of pasta?

Well, I think there's a brand called Garofolo.

I think we have that.

And so you put some of that in a boiling saucepan.

What shape is Garofalo?

Ah, Fuzzili.

So you put that in the boiling water for as long as it says on the packet.

Or a minute less.

That would be my tip.

A minute less.

Great tip.

And meanwhile, while that's going on, you want to get the pesto out of the fridge or cupboard, wherever it is.

Green pesto?

Sackler vegan green pesto.

Yeah.

And then delicious.

Delicious.

Oh, I love it.

And then after you've done that, you want to get out a frying pan and you want to toast some walnuts and pinuts.

Yes.

And while they're going on, you might want to add some spinach into the boiling water so that wilts nicely.

Into the boiling water.

Water with the pasta.

Yeah, straight in.

Wow.

See, this is a sort of, I'm glad we asked you how to do it now because that's the sort of tip that I would never have thought of.

Yeah.

Straight in.

And how much, because like, it's quite satisfying putting loads of spinach in something and watching it shrink.

Yeah.

Um, you got like a basketball's worth

of spinach?

Uh,

what's somewhere in between a tennis ball and a basketball?

What would that ball be?

A bowling ball?

Yeah, bowling ball.

A bowling ball of spinach.

There we go.

And then, I suppose you're just playing the waiting game.

And then when it's one minute less than it says in the packet,

you get your collend around.

And then, I mean, this is

very obvious.

No, it's not no, it's not obvious.

You put spinach in the boiling water,

are you joking?

Alright, well so you pour then you pour everything, the spinach and the pasta, into the colander, give that a shake, get rid of any excess water.

Oh, I haven't mentioned that I grilled the aubergine during the.

This is what I was thinking when's the aubergine's coming into play?

Sorry.

Before I even boiled the pasta, there were some aubergines chopped into nice circles, no more than than like a centimetre thick, if that.

And they're spread out on the baking tray, a little bit of olive oil, a little bit of pepper.

They go into

the oven, and maybe

grill if you haven't got much time,

or oven if you have more time.

And then, hopefully the timing is good.

And then, so you've got your pasta, all the water's gone, and then you put the pasta back in the saucepan.

You put the pesto in the saucepan you put the pine nuts and the walnuts in the saucepan you put the

what do they what do they make the auber sheet you put the auber sheet in the saucepan yeah and then you mix it all together and you put it in a bowl or two or three or four depending on how many people are there and then you eat it I think that sounds great.

That sounds really good.

Do it.

Yeah.

What they never say at the end of recipes in books is, and now you eat it.

Yeah.

It's amazing how often I forget that bit.

Prepare all that stuff and i look for the last bit and it doesn't tell me to eat it straight in the bin there you go i feel exhausted now i kind of don't know how those chefs do it uh

it's amazing how often are you making the grilled aubergine pasta with pesto and walnuts and pine nuts just this once a week that i'm gonna do it tonight do it I've decided.

Wow, I've really started something here.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna go to the shop after this, get the ingredients.

That's what I'm having for dinner.

James is on the lookout for a new pasta dish because him and his girlfriend got quite into making a different pasta dish.

And I saw them the other day and I mentioned the pasta dish and they both looked really tired when it came up because they've clearly been eating it far too much.

We love it, but we are ashamed of how much we've been eating it all the time.

Let's get on to your starter, Rosie.

How messy is this?

Actually,

not messy at all.

I think you're gonna

hate me

because

I need to warn you

that I won't be here for about 12 hours

because

I like

eating

slowly.

Surprise, surprise.

I'd love if they brought back surprise, surprise when Rosie was the host.

Oh, Rosie, please, if you could host a reboot of surprise, surprise, that is.

Let's go.

my

god.

But between

the first surprise and the second surprise,

everyone will get

the surprise.

So my

starter,

um,

I think it'll take me about

three hours to eat

and it's just

crush

your talking

toy glass.

Fucking gush.

You just have poppa dumps.

Also, Rosie,

we started this interview by you saying, oh my god, I love food, I'm such a foodie.

And your starter is, and I, and I quote, just crisps.

Just crisps.

But Lee, I don't think you want to stand

your love.

Okay, sorry, take us through again.

Okay.

Toy goods.

Fringers,

bacon ratches, then little

onion rings,

so and finished sticks.

I want peanuts as well,

peanut nuts,

cushion,

I want then cheese,

straws,

oh, I want hula,

I want derito

of every

flavor.

I want nip maps,

but I will need a barbecue

rib

version.

I want the crinkly

mini cheddars.

I don't want walkers

because I feel like I can get walkers

anywhere.

You can sure any of those things you've said anywhere.

Every single thing you've said, you can get in the same shop.

You can get the walkers.

Yeah, you're not travelling to Calais for the rest of the mile.

You've just ordered a load of bar stacks, Rosie.

This is now, you know, you did the move earlier.

This is now the four-year-old girl demanding what Chris she wants at her princess party.

But what is

more about

the

infant moment and just

the fact that I'm there

and grazing and eating

and having all my favorite snacks in one

place.

Whoa,

what would that?

Do you want it all in one big bowl, Rosie, or do you want it in separate bowls?

No,

I want to be.

Oh, wait, did I say pretzels?

No, I don't.

I mean, you said everything else, but yeah, yeah, maybe

you missed out pretzels.

I think you missed out pretzels and pork scratchings, and that was it.

No,

Jim, Jim Bob, I don't want

porch scratchings.

I want pretzels.

I want to be in control of

where I dip.

so

now

in one bowl you're gonna get the

cheesy deritos

on the toy draw more monsters cheesy toy dragos actually it sounds quite nice now you've said that Melted cheese and Marmite

cheese and marmite yeah

I imagine you rosie with like 50 bowls all lined lined up in front of you on the table, and you're dipping in and going back and forth really quickly.

Uh, and it's like you know, when you see people with loads of glasses with different amounts of water in, and they play it like an orchestra.

I see you playing the snacks like a water glass orchestra.

Yes,

see,

this is also

a question

because

I hope

that in your restaurant you're able to provide me

with a table

that looks a bit like a donut.

So, ideally,

I want to sit

in the middle and have a table

surrounding me.

So, I get three

sixty

swimble

so I'm like

toy got that so

toy oh what sits have I

watch it no you didn't say what's it then what's it shall behind to me

and I got

every pringo

lined up

in front

Do you want the table to rotate like a lazy Susan around you, or do you want to spin round on your chair in the middle?

Or do you want both to spin round and you see what happens?

Oh my god, please again, the table rotate.

Do you want to be in charge of how the table rotates, or do you want it sort of slowly going round so you can just like pick as it goes round, a bit like a Yosushi belt converter belt?

No, no, Ed.

I

how do you not know this

about me?

I need

to be in control.

I need to control

every little detail

of one hour

the table

rotates.

Yes.

And please,

please, about

every 20 minutes,

you'll surprise me

with a different

snack.

So I'm always

excited.

Did you say quavers?

Did you mention quavers?

I

mentioned the quaver,

but

bring the quavers,

but I need cheese.

Don't bring me that prom cocktail shit.

Okay.

Now, I'll be honest with you, Rosie, this doesn't, this is not my sort of starter.

I like nuts.

I like the nuts element.

That's great.

I think I might be a bit of a crisp snob, you know.

I don't like quavers, Watsits, Twiglets,

the chipsticks.

I don't like any of that.

I like proper, like, my favourite crisps here, Rosie, are Torres black truffle potato crisps.

Oh, for crows.

They are phenomenal.

Have you had them?

No, break out.

I'm not over 10 kitchen brick.

I made my first pizza the other day.

Did you?

What's on the pizza?

What was on it?

Obviously tomato sauce, cheddar cheese, little bacon bits, cut up pepper.

What are you looking at?

This sounds rubbish.

I don't know.

Bacon on a pizza is shit, anyway.

You said cheddar.

For a start,

bacon, cheddar, bacon bits.

What?

Pepper?

What are you talking about?

Use cheddar, cheddar and bacon.

What?

What are you talking about?

He's not respecting your pizza, Cassie.

He's not really in your pizza.

He's really disrespecting it, actually.

Why are you using cheddar?

Cheese on toast.

My mate told me.

I'm doing my cook-along with my mum and she tells me the ingredients and I'll go out and get them.

Very authentic, then, if it came from Nona Ray Caster.

Yes, that is her name.

And

it was a scon-based pizza as well.

It tasted good, man.

I don't know why you're laughing so much.

It's not a pizza.

You've made a cheese scone.

Maybe a cheese scone.

What do you mean it was a scon-based pizza?

Well, that's what she told me.

She's had this recipe for ages.

I've had it my whole life.

Have you?

That's one she used to do at home.

I'm sorry for disrespecting your memories, James, but it's not a pizza, mate.

Well, I made it real nice.

How did you make it?

I made scon base, rolled it out, put it in the

tray,

then covered that with the passata,

brushed that over, put the cheese over, then put all the toppings over.

I'll put anchovies on mine as well, on my half, more cheese on the top, more cheddar cheese, put it in the oven, bought it out, and I ate my scon base pizza.

I was very proud of myself.

I thought it's going to be great.

I'm going to impress Bring Zoo when I tell him this.

I didn't know I was going to get such an absolute dressing down.

I mean, you know, I respect your pizza baking, you know.

Like, better, like, it's not sounding very.

I don't know what's a scon-based pizza.

Yeah, I'm still in the dark about a scum-based pizza as well.

Like in Napoli.

Like, use the stone that you put in the oven to make the base cook.

No, no, no, no.

You don't need that for scum-based.

You just, uh, you just.

It's uh, what was in the scon-based?

Butter, self-raising flour.

It was a scone, scon.

It was a scone.

Baking powder, cheese,

a little bit of salt.

And I rolled that all up together and then rolled it out with my rolling pin.

No yeast, nothing.

It's a scon-based pizza.

So you made a big scon and you put cheese and tomato and bacon on top of it.

Guilty, Your Honor.

Zoo, I made a lasagna the other day.

First thing you do is you put blueberry muffins in the bottom of the tray

and then you pour over the tomato and then you put the bacon in and the cheddar cheese and then you put loads of Twix bars on the tops.

Delicious.

Proper lasagna.

Well, I mean, you know, you've made yourself look stupid there because clearly I would love to eat that.

So it's not like.

Is this true?

The nearest to a meal you can have is the boost bar.

It's got a real density to it.

It's got a little bit of a real density.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you seen the boosts that are like about that long?

Yeah, yeah.

What are they thinking?

Yeah.

I mean, that's binding people, innit?

It literally is.

It's taking a workforce down.

Is it even a duo?

It's not a duo.

Well, how do we fix the bar?

I think, James, it's a great big boost, yeah, for adults only, 18.

If you kind of like had them baguette for a rollover hot dog and did the spike, do you think you could fit that boost in there and it's gonna be poking out the top?

My instinct is it would be perfect.

It would be absolutely, what do you call that, flush at the end of the roll.

And you'd be onto something and they'd be franchised.

and you'd be on a yacht smoking cigars, probably with a pet ape.

Yeah.

You know, know all they need to do is lob a boost and could work you know yeah work if that boost is uh to quote you taking down a workforce yeah what's a boost and a baguette gonna do

it's gonna bring all the vehicles down in it it's gonna clog their engines everything

thanks Bob

the boost baguette yes please flush have you tried the boost baguette yet James no I am going to at some point I do want to do it but it has to be with a rollover hot dog uh baguette yeah i've i've i've seen it and then the boost straight in it and it has to be flush so you know there's a lot of criteria to be met there so i don't know if i'm planning to find myself near a hot rollover hot dog stand in possession of a boost now james this next uh clips package is entitled characters we've got a fair few uh brilliant clips in here with their uh special comedy characters they've invented during during the podcast asim chowdry mary lin rice cubb tanya moore rafe spool paul shear not characters themselves, they're real people, but they did characters within the course of the podcast, James.

Some of my favourite moments are when people break into character.

I'm very excited about these.

It's one character in particular who really warms my heart.

I think the listeners really need to pay attention to this section and remember that the healthy old man should have a bigger place in off-menu lore.

Yes, people should be making their own healthy old man merch, really.

Yes, yeah.

I love the healthy old man.

But my drama teacher absolutely fucking hated me.

Like, you know, one of those teachers that, like, if you breathe, you get a detention.

You know what I mean?

It's just like, she just didn't like the cut of my gym, and I didn't like the cut of her gym.

And I remember one day in one lesson, my mate threw a rubber at her head, right?

Classic.

And she turned around and she, yeah.

I remember I told this story in America once, and they thought I was talking about a condo.

They're like, you thought this condom is.

I was like, no, a rubber is an eraser, we call it.

And she turned around, she saw it was me, and she just was fuming.

It wasn't me.

But obviously, I'm no snitch.

I'm not going to be like, it was him.

Obviously, I took the rap for it.

And she kicked me out of the drama class, right?

This was GCSE as well.

She kicked me out and she said, all right, Asim, she went, you need to earn your grade back.

And I went, all right.

She went, you need to come in on time.

You need to dah, blah, blah.

And I went, I didn't.

And I really tried hard for the next like six months.

I came in on time.

I wasn't being naughty.

I helped my group with their final production.

This is where the poppadum bit.

I was going to say, I wrote it.

I directed it.

I gave myself a tiny part because i thought you know i might not get graded here so it was called the poppadom father and it was a it was like it was like the asian version of the godfather and it was really

it was really good like it was funny sweet it was about you know you can't put this thing on my daughter's wedding so he was eating poppadoms and you know it was ridiculous and it was like you know shooting going on and like lusty flying everywhere you know i went to school in house though so it was like you know very asian yeah and then at the end of it like i was like okay i think i've really done a good job here i hope i get a grade i hope i get a gcsc right even my whole group they wrote a letter to the teacher saying look we think asam's deserved it he's done great she still didn't grade me so i basically left school with a u in gcsc and then i quit any kind of drama acting for years because i thought oh i'm not good enough or it really disheartened me and then for years i didn't do anything i went into like you know like film and media and you know script writing and all behind the camera because it really knocked my confidence.

And it's amazing, like, how powerful teachers can be.

Like, a great teacher, you'll never forget, and a shit.

And I still am not over there.

Like, I still think she did me so wrong, you know?

I'm the same, man.

I've got a teacher like that.

Every time I think about her, I get absolutely furious still.

And you want to go up to her as an adult and say everything that you were mature enough to be able to, like, articulate when you were that age.

Exactly, exactly.

And I think deep down, like, you know, she's probably seen me and doing stuff and all that.

I was very tempted to go up to after the BAFTA and being like, dear Lord.

What a sad little line.

You ruined my drama, GCSC, so you can have the money.

No, I'm joking.

I am kind of over it.

But I know what you mean, Jay.

I still get a little bit kind of frustrated and sad because I do think it's important.

And I think teachers...

They should recognize, like, I was a good kid.

I was a creative kid who clearly had a lot of good ideas.

Okay, I might be a bit of a shit, but you need to get, like, they're kids.

We're kids.

You know what I mean?

Like, on the complete flip side, my English teacher, absolute fucking legend.

He used to listen to my old rap songs and he used to like talk about hip-hop with me.

You know, he would know when I'd come in thinking of weed.

He would be like, he would just always chat to me.

And he's still my friend today.

Till this day, we're still mates.

So that goes to show you.

And he gave me all the confidence in the world to be a writer.

English I loved and playing with the language and very nurturing as a, you know, I mean, as a teacher, that's what you're supposed to do.

You're supposed to nurture these kids and give them a chance, man.

And I was still a little dickhead, but, you know, so just the flip side and it goes to show you how important teaching is um it can change it could shape a kid's life you know i don't think we've ever had as uh open and in-depth and uh earnest and vulnerable answer to popadoms or bread ever

and i i absolutely love that answer really lovely answer but i'll be honest as in the whole time you were talking there I wanted to ask more questions about the plot of the Popadom father.

Yeah, yeah, I obviously want to know what happens in the Poppadom father.

well i know that we um i remember when it started i did that but like in an indian i was like

anyway the doubler came and

it was amazing i'm telling you you come to the day of my door

i remember we used to say axe when we were younger we used to say not ask we used to go axe me for this like when i was younger i used to say or something i don't know why it was i think it was like a class thing like you know like if you were working class and and foreign you would say aux and we also used to say uh uh crips instead of crips oh yeah when i was a kid i used to go um oh axe your mum for some cribs

oh sorry

and the w's and v's were all over the oh i really want sorn and winner oxy mum for some crips she won't give it to me but she'll give it to you oxa for crips and i we had all of that in the poppedum bar it was great it was was there the take on the horse's head in the bed thing did you like did you do your version of that no we didn't no we didn't get to we were i remember we were discussing that and it was going to be a the dog, a dog instead, but it was just we didn't really have the props for it.

And then we wanted someone to play the dead dog.

And this one guy was like, Oh, what?

So I'm going to play the dead dog and have no lines.

He was like, He took it as a bit of a slap.

So we just kind of left that bit.

What part were you?

You said you gave yourself a small part.

Do you remember?

I was a cleaner.

I was just, I came in one scene and just sweeped up something and then left.

And it wasn't even you that threw the rubber.

This is what's really upsetting me about this.

All of this was for no reason.

Because it, who threw the rubber, Asim?

It was my mate.

It was my mate, Nick.

Right.

Okay, now we can say names.

You know, sometimes people have those conversations about restaurants they go to.

I don't have those.

No.

I don't have that kind of time.

I don't have the space in my brain to log in and talk about what restaurants I've been to.

I'm not going to do it.

I'm going to go to 7-Eleven and I'm going to go to Maggiano's.

When you say there's no space in your brain to log in and do that,

what do you think is like taking up the space?

What are you thinking about?

Just more space.

What are you thinking about?

I think you know that.

What are you thinking about instead that's like stopping you?

I'm trying not to think about stuff.

Right.

You're trying to clear your mind as much as possible.

I want to be involved in a religion that doesn't let women in.

Pardon me?

Like the guy who sits under the tree in meditation and he's like, I don't eat food.

Yeah.

Women are stupid.

I'm involved.

I want to be that guy.

You want to be the man.

Yeah, you're like, you ask him something like tangible that happens in every day and he's like, I don't know, man, I'm just all energy.

Yeah, I'm one with the earth.

But why does he hate women, that guy?

Well, he doesn't hate them, he just sees them as subservient, right?

And they just take care of everything while he sits under the tree and is evolved.

So, you want to be that guy, yeah, right?

But where does that leave you as a woman?

I no longer exist, but you're the man in this scenario, correct?

You would like to be a man who hates women,

okay,

not hates but sees them as subservient yes okay do you want to just do this just for the main course or for the remainder of the meal yep be this man you're so sweet you're giving me an out on this yeah you could you could you can just you can just be the man who hates women under the tree for the main course but also eat it eats bolognaise yeah you need to eat the bolognese yeah

yeah I'm gonna be that guy for the main course.

Okay, great.

And then wait till you see what I'm gonna be for the next course.

I want to get more of an idea of this man.

So, like, can you be the man now?

And I'm approaching you under the tree.

Okay.

And what's his name, first of all?

Guru Dave.

Guru Dave.

Hello, Guru Dave.

I've walked many miles to see you.

I wondered if you could tell me.

I'm having such a lot of stress in my personal life at the minute.

The washing machine broke and my socks are really wet.

And I think I'm going to have to go and constantly top up the dryer.

That's you.

That's you.

Stop.

And then he takes his branch and whips you on the head.

Thank you.

And if you keep talking, you get an eye poke.

Then you're half blind.

Then see how much you care about your socks and your bitching.

Also,

try going on a hunger strike for two days and then get back to me.

You're eating bolognese.

You've got your problems.

You can't tell me what to go on a hunger strike.

Don't pay attention to what I'm doing.

Oh, yeah, yeah, bolognese.

Do I eat bolognese?

You don't know what I do.

You got spaghetti hugging out of your mouth right now.

I could have a spaghetti coming out of my nose.

That doesn't mean I'm eating it.

I barf it up after this, guys.

Okay, Dave's got issues.

how long do you want this so evolves but also has an eating disorder

how long do you want the strands of spaghetti to be

great question you're gonna answer it as marilyn or guru dave well guru dave one long string at a time that goes in his nasal passage all the way down and then goes out because he want he wants everything to be connected so he wants it hanging out of his nose and his butt at the same time and i'm afraid one end and it would hang out the other sorry but that's what he wants Is he gonna floss his whole body?

It's a body floss.

It goes in his nose, not his mouth.

And I'm sorry about that.

But that is what it is.

Oh, you don't need to apologise.

This is Guru Dave.

Yeah.

This is nothing new, Mary.

This is how he cleanses his inside.

With a big long piece of spaghetti.

One long piece of spaghetti.

Yeah.

Which he inserts in his nose and not his mouth.

Yeah.

And do you want the sausage in there as well?

You can get sausage in there.

No sausage.

No sausage?

No meat.

It's the fish boil.

But it ruins it.

No way.

You want the full meal in there?

The potato, the corn, the sausage, the prawns.

Sausage is a savage.

Sausage is savage.

Trouble in paradise.

You two are on the same page for a while there.

Now sausage has divided you.

It's always the way, though, isn't it?

What do you think, right?

You know who King Prawns?

Let's just pretend for a while that, you know, king prawns are a civilization in their own right.

If they have someone who's in charge, what would they call that person?

That prawn, yeah, because they're all called king prawns.

He's the prawn, that's just the prawn.

So the king and the king prawn is just prawn.

You don't even have to, you don't kick him, he's just prawn.

So he's in charge because he's not a king.

No, no, no.

It's not that he's not a king, it's just that everybody else is king, king, king, king, king.

So that's regular.

Yeah.

So he's different.

He's just prawn.

See, he's the prawn.

The prawn, the prawn.

We have to have the prawn in there.

Yeah.

The prawn.

There's lots of king prawns, but he's the prawn.

Yeah.

Because originally you said prawn.

Yeah.

No, I said the prawn.

Well, we recorded it, Tanya, so.

Let's go.

You go, you go right, right, right, Matt.

I agree.

I agree that.

I agree that

the prawn makes more sense.

But at one point, you said, he's just prawn.

He's just prawn.

And I love the thought of everyone just going, hey, prawn.

I was calling him prawn.

And everyone else is king prawn.

Actually, I was saying the.

The.

The.

King prawn.

Is more commanding, isn't it?

It is.

The prawn.

Because then everyone will start putting D-A and sal graffiti in it, and you don't want that.

You don't want to be damned.

Then there'll be a wrapper called the prawn wrapper, and you don't want that.

I do.

A wrapping prawn called the prawn wrapper.

Yeah, definitely.

What's he going to rap about, wanting a sausage?

Yeah.

Not being allowed to hang out in the jacuzzi with a sausage.

The prawn wrapper, the prawn wrapper sat in the jacuzzi that's all the seafood boil.

Yeah.

Like rapping about being a prawn.

Of course I want that.

Who wouldn't want that?

Still though, very difficult to come up with words that rhyme with sausage.

So the prawn is really in trouble.

Maybe if he changes the way he says sausage, he might say sausage.

He's a rapper, he can do that.

I can do that.

He says sausage.

Conclude it with sausage.

Let's say he calls it sausage instead of sausage.

What words does that open him up to?

What words out there might be be sausage?

Look, no, it's sausage.

Siege.

No, it's the siege.

Siege.

Yeah.

Trees.

Trees.

Trees rhymes with sausage, does it?

If you say it right.

Why are you crossing your arms?

I'm kind of excited because I want to just keep this going for a long time.

Well, it's because me and Tanya really acted like we'd solve the problem there

when Tanya said said you could change it to sausage and we were both like yeah yeah actually that would that would work.

That would solve the problem.

Now he's got a veritable dictionary in front of him.

Yeah.

So you've got siege and trees so far that vise with sausage.

Bees.

Bees.

Knees.

You could say I'll give you the sausage and have you on your knees.

That's a good song.

Oh yeah that is a good song.

I'm not denying that's a good song.

Teach about the birds and the bees.

Sea?

Yeah.

Sea.

Sea sort of works.

Once you say so, see, you change it.

Just change it.

Like my teens, I grew up in southeast London in the 90s, and at that time, UK garage was a big thing, right?

Yeah.

And especially on the old Kent Road.

That was the sort of the beating heart of the UK garage scene, right?

And garage, their whole thing was like sexy and stylish, right?

You had to come looking nice, yeah?

So, a lot of the things would be like no caps, no trainers, no attitude, right?

Like, those were the three things about not getting into a club.

And um, sometimes, well, one time I didn't actually do it, so I'm using some license here.

A friend of mine turned up with trainers on and probably a little bit of attitude, and um, we and we were turned away, and then someone said, Just take your black socks off, put them over your trainers,

and he did, and we sailed on into cookies and cream, garage night.

Cookies and cream, wow, cookies and cream.

Food related, immediately.

Exactly.

You see, that story did come round.

You knew what you were doing.

Were the bouncers letting that slide?

Did they know the sock trick, or were they just not looking properly?

And they thought they didn't blink.

They just thought he had big shoes on.

They just thought he was woolly shoes.

Exactly, big, fluffy shoes.

He thought none the wiser.

He thought he'd gone home and got changed into some respectable shoes.

Alas, no.

it was a roost.

If someone was to make a film about the 90s UK garage scene, I mean, we already know you definitely want to be in it.

I do.

It's your upbringing, it's where you come from.

But, like, who would you want to play in that film?

If you look back at the garage scene, all the big names in it, all the big players, who would you want to play?

Well, two local celebrities where I grew up were two MCs called Nikki S and Nike.

Oh, yeah.

And I remember once, I was really, I was in this place called the Paradise Bar in Broccoli, and Nikki S had just done a storm in set.

People were really sort of in awe of him.

And he came walking towards me and he made eye contact with me and he put his fist up to fist bump me.

Yeah.

And I put my fist up.

I thought he knows who I am.

And he sailed straight past me and fist bumped someone behind me.

Oh no.

I would say Nikki S gets his fist bumps ready too early in that case.

That's not your fault.

Exactly.

That is not your fault.

But the sort of UK garage voice, I don't know if you, maybe you don't, if you weren't that sort of au faith with

UK garage radio in the 90s, it was that sort of like ladies' crew, bubbling fresh.

You know, that sort of like, shout out to all the ladies in the venue.

It's going to be a roadblock event.

It was like, no one has ever spoken like that.

And I don't know why, I don't know how they settled on that voice as the voice

to get people jazzed up about the garage.

Who was the first guy to do that voice and at what point did everyone go yeah well we're gonna stick with this we're gonna stick with that yeah listen we should probably do a rate we should probably do an advert for for this club night

well how do you even sound on an advert ladies and let me tell you it's gonna be a banging night what does and what does bubbling bubbling fresh mean because i've heard people say that before yeah well bubbling is dancing and and and fresh is real fresh dancing yeah oh i see speaking of voices, I didn't know what you really sounded like, Rafe, until just now.

Are you surprised?

Yeah.

I've seen you in a lot of films, a lot of TV.

And I think I've only heard you speak like this in Sean of the Dead.

Yeah, I don't think I've heard you use this voice anywhere else.

I'm literally putting it on now.

This is not how I speak.

I speak like that garage voice.

That's how I usually talk.

How was your day at school?

Talking like that.

Is that to your kids?

Is that how you talk to them?

Yeah.

What are you thinking for dinner?

Ladies.

Lady.

This is how I sound.

Yeah.

So I have a fake name on Yelp.

Now we're jumping apps.

But on Yelp, I have a fake name and a fake picture.

And I review there.

It's still Paul, but it's a different last name.

And

it's an older man with a beard cheersing a green drink.

Like he has a green drink.

I love that as my profile pic.

And then I will leave a nice review.

But then whenever I finish it, they're like, longer, please.

And I'm like, longer?

I've given it to you.

I've given you the rating.

I told you it was good.

Like, why do I need to get in?

Like, I have to write an article for you.

Do you write the review?

Is it sort of what you think in the reviews, or is it what the healthy old man thinks?

No, it is.

Yes.

No, I am.

My character work does not go that deep on Yelp.

I wish it to go.

I should.

It should be the old man.

Healthy old man.

Yeah, healthy old man.

You get like a running story with him as well.

He's married in the first one, but his marriage falls apart gradually.

Correctly, you know, I used to go here with my wife.

It should maybe even be a little bit more bizarre.

Like, my wife was killed in a jet ski accident.

Like, you know, there's a bizarre way that she was murdered.

Maybe I did it.

Yeah, I think it has to go in the

middle.

Kind of like the jinx.

By the end, it's like, yeah, you accidentally.

I admit it I did it.

Oh, I did it all.

And anyway, this is the best place to get your auto, your oil changed.

What do you think, and I will be asking this for every question, the healthy old man would want.

The healthy old man would definitely want to drive.

I mean he'd run a he would do still because the bubbles make him a little

tough.

And they remind him of when his wife's last breath from under the sea.

Let me ask you guys this question.

I watched it go down.

I wish I knew how to swim.

I wish.

I just didn't know.

But then there's like a picture that comes out where I was swimming.

I was actually a swimming champion and a child.

My story doesn't clear.

Also, starter-wise, what's the healthy old man having?

The healthy old man.

Well, the healthy old man is going to do something very nice.

It's going to be like an end dive, but there'll be some things in, like, almost like a kind of like a lettuce cup, but an end dive cup.

You know, delicious, nice, respectful, a little bit of spice to it, but not too much.

It's not going to kick too much.

Yeah, the last thing the healthy old man is doing is filling up on bread, right?

Exactly.

He's not, he is avoiding bread at all.

He's not had bread since 1986.

Because he knows he's got limited time.

he's got to keep it all healthy and he's like oh this reminds me of my i used to have a allotment myself and i'd grow my own vegetables yeah you'd look into it and be like he didn't have an allotment he just stole he stole from his extra neighbor this guy all the time

yeah it's always

like like peter rabbit we did have an allotment and everything he planted died and i'm like why what's under what's under that soil

healthy old man just as healthy old man as you

disgust it's made of people the reason why the fertilizer is so good is this dead corpse oh no is that what's in the green drink?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Healthy old man's drinking people.

He's the sweeney todd of gardening, this man.

I just put a little ginger in there and it goes down so smooth.

Healthy old man.

And before we move on, what's the healthy old man having for his manga?

Healthy old man is going to do something that I feel like is going to be nice, which is

like a broiled fish.

You know, it's going to have some flavor and it's going to be a white fish, a flaky white fish.

And I think that that there's going to be capers, not an overwhelming amount of capers.

And I would put,

you know, underneath it, you know, nothing, not like a pasta, not even a risotto.

I would just say for the healthy old man, I think it's going to be just very simple garnish, but it will be an edible garnish.

Maybe like a green pepper, a yellow pepper, just a little bit to give it some color.

So it doesn't have a white fish on a plate.

Yeah.

And it doesn't remind him of anyone's birthday, I don't imagine.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't want to think about the birthday.

I mean, especially because his birthday he shared with his wife and that is

the same birthday yeah it's a tricky thing yeah you dig down into it and they were twins

they were brother and sister

they were brother and sister they left the country because they their love was forbidden

i was like it never make babies why you had to kill her

onto them look you know what it just like honestly the truth is their parents died they left the money he didn't want to split it he wanted to take that money and start a brand new life yeah that's what happened.

Yeah, that healthy old man is so healthy.

Also, I feel like, um, going back to your side, dish, that this cellar bar is this is where you and the healthy old man cross parts.

Yes, this is where I see him.

I feel like now he's not going to come over on the cheese side, but I, you know, I see him and we make eyes, and he gives me a little

nod, but yeah, yeah, I see you

raises his green glasses.

Oh, hello, and then maybe puts his finger to his lip and goes,

I wasn't here.

You didn't see me.

H-O-M.

Maybe he's dressed in like the server uniform for Fogger to Chow and then he takes his name badge off, sneaks out the back.

Yeah.

Where did my server go?

The old man?

There's no old man in the middle of the day.

Or

you see him subtly walk by a table and scoop a credit card, like puts his hand down and goes, I'm having trouble walking.

And it takes a credit card off.

I'm like, I make eye contact with him.

Yeah.

And there's a moment.

And he's like, and I don't say anything.

He doesn't say anything.

I don't even have to ask you what the healthy old man's drinking because we all know he likes green drink.

Oh, yeah, green drink.

He's got green drink.

Yeah, green drink is definitely there.

Yeah.

So

I got to show you the picture of the old man.

Yeah, you do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think you're picturing him older than now.

I want to find an older picture because I think you're picturing him slightly older than he is, but

I like that idea that he is older.

I mean, you can send us that picture and we'll use it to promote this podcast.

Oh, my gosh.

I am definitely going to do that.

I got to get that in there.

It's so good.

I'm loving the old man.

Here it is right here.

He's so old.

He's great.

I love it.

Yeah,

he's not even that old.

I like him older.

He's a healthy old man.

He's like probably 50 max.

Yeah, I know.

He's a lovely man.

He's not even fully great, but there's something about him that

it's a great awkward shot of him.

The top of his head's cut off.

Yeah, it's okay.

What I found about it was I was like, this feels like a real picture.

And that's what you really have to kind of grab.

Healthy old man, who would

leave reviews on websites.

And before we read your order back to you, what's healthy old man getting for dessert?

Healthy old man is getting a dark chocolate.

He's just going to have a bite of it.

You know,

it's going to be a cake.

It's not going to be too, too decadent.

Probably

it will be,

hmm, trying to think of what he would really want.

You know what?

Actually, I'm going to go back and say, like, old man,

a scoop of vanilla vanilla ice cream.

Just ate a plain scoop of vanilla.

And he'd be going, oh, I'm being so bad.

Yeah, I'm being real, guys.

Thanks, Paul Scheer.

Lovely to hear from Paul and the healthy old man there.

Now, James, that...

episode was recorded when we were in Los Angeles before the global pandemic.

So we were just sort of dipping our toe into Hollywood life.

Little did we know at the time that you yourself would then go on to be the star of a Hollywood film.

Star of all Hollywood, actually.

Yeah.

The talk of the town.

You are the talk of the town in Hollywood, Hollywood town.

There's talk of letting you live in the big, in one of the O's.

Yeah.

Me, James Corden and Ramish Ranger Nathan all going to live in the big O together, running round it on a little hamster wheel.

Is it one O that you live in together or do you each get an O?

We all live in the 1-0 and it and it spins around like a hamster wheel and we all can run on it together yes because of course you are all mice yes and you spent the rest of the year on off menu trying to get acting tips because it's been such a busy acting year for you yes so here's a little clip of something relating to that from the martin freeman episode

i also kind of want to ask you if you can still do the fargo voice uh these days or can you not do it

it takes a bit of a run-up run-up, to be honest, James.

It takes a little bit of a warm-up.

I don't want to make you perform for us, Martin.

I mean, it was fairly, it was obvious at the beginning of the episode that you were angling for that, James.

We all ignored it and we moved on.

Yep.

Martin was very classy.

He just decided to sort of segue into the next bit.

Yes.

What would really make me happy is you trying it.

Oh, yeah, that would be happy.

I'm very bad at accents.

But that's why it's going to be fun.

Why don't you say, what would you like for your dessert as a Minnesotan?

Me and Martin have naturally braced ourselves.

Have you noticed that?

Yeah, yeah, and it's really hard.

I can't really get past okay then.

Okay,

Martin, what be

kind of need to know your dessert choice there, Martin.

If you

need to know your dessert,

it's not bad.

It's a bloody gallant effort.

I'm trying, I'm genuinely trying.

I think you can hit the R's more.

Hit the R sound more on my name and on the dessert.

Martin?

Martin?

No, because I lose the rest of it.

Martin.

Martin?

No, no, I'm doing.

Oh, that's good.

Martin.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Dessert.

Dessert.

I'm getting better in meal time already.

Improving, yeah, definitely.

Imagine if you're in a restaurant and the waiter came over and just started going, okay, okay, okay, yeah, okay,

okay.

Getting into cameras.

What'd be you want for desserts there?

No, I don't know.

I don't know.

Can I see the manager, please?

This is a lot of fun.

I like you doing accents.

Can we just throw accents at you?

If you want to, I mean, it serves me right for trying to make you do the voice.

So, yeah, I think so.

But

can you do a thing where you don't pause?

Because let's face it.

Yes.

It's a bit more serious for me if I do a load of shit accents because it's my job, right?

You've got your own thing going on, James.

You're untouched by it.

Like, if you, okay, you does a bad Welsh, no one gives a shit.

Yeah, so if I just say an accent, a region, I'll keep it in Britain.

I'll keep it in Britain, okay, and you've just got to, without pausing, just ask me what I want for dessert in that accent, okay?

Yeah, okay, yeah, Belfast.

I'll fuck off, but

start off with the one that will give me the most trouble.

It's good, that's the sort of thing they say, but you need to work on the accent a bit more.

What would you like for dessert?

What the hell?

Wow, yeah.

I'm trying not to think.

What would you like for dessert?

One more.

Birmingham.

What would you like for dessert?

Wow.

They are all quite similar, aren't they?

There's a definite similarity between all of them.

Which just goes to show we're all one big family.

The human race is one big family.

When I'm not allowed to think about it, I really do surprise myself with what comes out of my mouth.

And I'm not allowed to think about it at all.

And I just have to go for it.

It's a shock to me when it happens.

And to all of us, but I think it's quite good to not let your brain get in the way and just go for it.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

And we all admire that more.

The fact that

you've gone for it.

We should ask you dessert properly really but i also want to know how long it took you to do the fargo accent really james all all i wanted to talk about on this episode is the fargo accent yeah we're not going to know why everyone's getting in the you could have got my number from someone james i'm sure we got mutual friends and uh you could have just texted me

there we go james do you think martin helped you with your acting there he certainly did ed oh yeah oh yeah hang on sorry i was supposed to be recording this with james a caster who's this oh i'm from fargo wow that's that's amazing hello i I didn't realise we were having guests on this.

This was just supposed to be me and James.

It was just like a clipstein.

Oh, you betcha.

What's your name?

You betcha.

Why do you keep saying everything twice, slightly differently?

Oh, no reason.

Oh, pretty good.

Okay, we're sort of straying towards Shrek territory there, aren't we?

I don't know about that, Ed.

So this year we also reached our 100th episode.

It was a momentous occasion where we got to reveal our own dream.

Whoever that is, can you go away, get James back?

We revealed our own dream menus to our special guest genie, Claudia Winkleman.

Let's have a little listen to some highlights from that.

Before I do anything, I just like to say out loud, this is quite major.

This is not what normally happens because

I'm honoured.

That's what I'm gonna, I'm gonna use that word, to welcome James and Ed to the Dream Restaurant.

Oh, thank you very much, Claudia.

There we go.

Thank you.

We're honored to have you.

There we go.

Oh, it's the dream restaurant has a bird in it today.

Well, we're in Tahiti.

I am a facilitator today because what's happening, just to share with the group, it's your 100th episode of the best podcast of all time, let's be honest.

Correct.

And today,

you two, this is huge, are going to share your menus.

Yes.

And I've given you temporarily the genie powers.

I've transferred them over to you.

Thank you.

We did the

ceremony beforehand.

Yeah.

I mean, it was it was a long ceremony, three and a half hours of humming.

Yes, a lot of humming.

And you were very good throughout.

You were very respectful.

Now, Claudia, obviously the idea is you use those genie powers to create our dream menus when we ask for them.

But obviously, while you've got them, it would seem a shame to not use them for some other stuff.

Is there anything else you'll be using the genie powers for?

No, this is what everyone needs to grasp is.

This is not about me.

This is what you two like doing.

You like asking questions.

You have an opinion about a side dish.

You're like, what spoon would you use with that?

That's now this is on YouTube.

You spotted my trick there, Claudia.

I'm so, this is, I'm so nervous about doing my dream menu.

It's, I've just, I've realised as I'm trying to do it that it's an awful thing to ask someone to put someone in this position.

And we've done it 99 times.

So I was trying to ask you what you do, the genie powers, to try and make this about you rather than us because I'm terrible.

Nothing to do with me, mate.

Let me ask you this.

At what juncture did you you start...

Have you always, when you've talked to other people, thought, that's madness, I'd never choose that?

Have you always, in the back of your head, got your dream menu?

No, no, absolutely not.

Because

I've done it, but this is what my menu is now as of this second.

But if you asked me tomorrow, it would be different.

That's very fickle.

It's very fickle and a bit weird.

Yeah, that's the lucky thing about being the hosts.

Fingers crossed, we do another 100 episodes after this.

And on 200, we can do another one of these.

and we can show how we've grown as people

that's what this podcast is really about or what would be adorable is if you had exactly the same oh that would be sweet you went do you know what I was right do you know what there are some things on this menu

actually you said about have we always had it in the back of our heads and if I'm honest I've always had a notes in my in my phone where I've written down all the things that are contenders.

Wow.

And anytime I have anything that's amazing, I've put it in my Google notes because I thought, well, I'm going to have to do this one day, clearly.

didn't know when it would be but I knew the day would come that's quite erotic so you're at dinner with your girlfriend and you say hold on a sec darling I've just had a buttered parsnip with a honey glaze I'm gonna stop you there yeah and wrote it in sometimes I've got the parsnip in my mouth and my eyes are closed I'm in ecstasy and my hands are still writing down in the notes manically the parsnip James who have you shared this menu with did you want to check with anyone was it a parent was it a friend I did check with my girlfriend I I did tell her.

Well, I didn't check with her, actually.

She was nosy and wanted to know what it was beforehand.

Because you're constantly in Google Notes.

She thinks you're having an affair.

Yeah, yeah, she doesn't believe me.

She's like, well, let me see the notes then.

She knows, James.

She knows he's definitely not having an affair.

Her first thought was he's probably writing that down in a note to remind himself later on.

Yeah, he's probably writing down what food he likes or he's remembered an album that he likes in 2016.

He's absolutely losing this guy.

But yeah, I did tell her.

And she didn't, you know, there wasn't a point where she went, what?

So I think, yeah, that was reassuring.

But there is some things on it which,

I don't know, there's potential for crossover with Ed's menu here.

And I would be excited if we get...

I don't know if there's a special rule where if we say the same thing, something happens in the dream restaurant.

I think we have to kiss.

We have to kiss, don't we?

No, well, not everybody has to stop what they're doing, step away from Zoom and do a roly-poly.

That's ideal.

That's what happens in our house.

Something major happens.

Just all right, guys, mat out.

Let's do it.

And I'm 49, that's quite something.

Ed, is there anything that has made you slightly nervous?

What's giving you the wobbles, as it were?

Well, I mean, all of it gives me the wobbles, but in a good way, as in I'll slap my tummy after I've eaten it.

But I think

I've maybe...

Have I messed with the format?

As I went through it, I found our format too restrictive.

Goodness.

So I've danced around the...

bold.

I've danced around the outskirts of the format, but in a way that previous guests have done.

So I'm hoping it'll be allowed.

Yes.

Are you nervous?

Because

the people who listen to this show love this show.

They love the two of you.

They often listen to episodes more than once.

Are you thinking about pleasing them?

Are you thinking about your fans, the off-menu people who make memes?

I've still got ones coming to me of Mr.

Burns.

You know, if they go, well, James has let us down because he's chosen chosen partridge.

I mean,

are you worried about that?

No, firstly, I'm not worried about James choosing partridge.

I'm not, I don't know if that's not.

Nobody would choose partridge, not even a partridge.

Well, especially partridge.

Continue.

I think the people who listen to this will be happy with a lot of different outcomes.

So if they're just straight up nice menus and they think they sound delicious, they'll be like, yes, we're on board with that.

We like food.

If the menus are awful, they'll enjoy making fun of us on the internet.

If me and James really come to blows over something,

I think that's the best outcome for them.

You know, if the worst thing happens and I do what everyone wants me to do, which I'm not going to say out loud now, James will absolutely lose his mind.

Well, I'm not sure.

I've been thinking about that.

I've been thinking about what if he does it.

And if he does it, what am I going to do?

And in this instance, I'll be so consoled by my own menu that it won't affect me as much.

Normally,

the menu that the guest brings to the dream restaurant is the only menu I get to hear that day.

And

when they do something horrible, it really annoys me because I'm like, oh, we had such a lovely chat and now on this.

But now I get to conjure up my own, or Claudia conjures up my dream meal for me.

So maybe, but I don't know.

I still might, I don't know how I'm going to feel if he does it.

I've got to ask you a question, if that's all right.

And there's going to be sound effects and I'm excited.

Still or sparkling water?

Do you know what?

It's so exciting having it asked to us and having Claudio asking us.

James, what are you...

Do you always go for the same thing?

What are you going to have?

Well, here's the thing, though.

I'm worried.

Because I actually haven't checked with Benito as to whether there's a secret ingredient for this episode.

And normally the secret ingredient is something that Ed and I as the host don't like.

I know that you hate water.

I'm now worried that the joke is me and Ed get kicked out immediately

during the water course.

No, there is no secret ingredient.

That's only for you two to do.

No.

I relax.

So

I'm holding two bottles.

Oh, do you like your view of the window with the pond and the 24-hour sunset, sir?

What can I pour you?

Here's the thing.

So if I had to choose between still and sparkling water, I'd choose still water.

And I think I would be more excited if it had some cucumber in it

and some

in a spa.

Huh?

You appear to be eating in a spa, James.

Yes, well, well, I mean, A, you drink water.

So I don't know if you're eating a glass of water, Ed, like a madman.

Yeah, but why are you putting cucumber in it?

It just makes everything taste like cucumber.

Oh, yeah, that's the point of adding stuff to it.

Sorry, I didn't want, I actually said to myself before this,

I didn't want this to be a fight, because I think James has excellent tastes.

Let him live.

He wants a big pool and some cucumber water and a foot rub.

It's a very profound point, Ed, to point out that when you add an ingredient to something, it then tastes of that ingredient.

And I agree that if you add cucumber, it'll taste a cucumber.

I like the cucumber when it's sliced really long.

oh yeah when they do the diagonal slice yeah yeah gotcha gotcha why do you prefer that tastes better

here's the thing this is the only one where i was like everything else on my menu i'm excited about the water course i really wanted because i wanted to nail every single part of this menu yeah and the water course i was like nothing's inspired me here i haven't had a water somewhere that's really blown my mind

and i thought i know who's hosting this they might let me do an immediate loophole of course i will and just replace the water.

I've said what I would have still sparkling.

Yeah, and we know that.

And also, it's your show.

Loophole away.

But maybe if I crack open a can.

Costen, Coston, Coston Press.

It's the water.

Cost.

Costard is the best.

He's written the song.

You can't deny that.

He wants a Corston press.

It's got water in it.

To be fair, I've gone sparkling, really.

It's a mildly sparkling soft drink.

Rhubarb Corsten Press.

It's got apples in it.

It's mainly apple-based, but then this is of the rhubarb flavour.

I love it.

I drink it so much.

To me, it's like water.

This is what my logic is.

I love it so much that it's just become a normal flavour to me.

I wouldn't really pick it as my dream drink and stuff like that because I just drink it all the time.

It's my water.

It's Corst and Press.

And so therefore, if I want to be excited about every element of this meal, I would want to sit down in a restaurant by the big window, see the pond, and the waiter just comes over and pours me, pours everyone on the table a glass of Causten Press from a jug and walks away.

And everyone goes, Well, this is a surprising start to our meal at Noma.

Rhubarb?

Yeah, yeah.

Come all the way to Denmark.

I'm bad.

Okay.

I think, Ed, if there's no objection, I think that's okay.

Well, Claudia, I can't object because you'll find that way when I give you my choice of spittle sparkling water.

Oh, gosh, here we go.

I just, the only thing I want to ask you about the Causton Press rhubarb, is that in a short glass or a tall glass and does it have ice and would you be wanting a straw just to really that's good got to drill down i've got to drill i'd like those details please ice is a con so i'm not having ice yeah not going to get me that way no one's again this that's a very james a caster phrase you're not going to get me that way no one's trying to get you mate no one's absolutely no one's trying to get you just to chat no one's trying to get me on this

i'm not being tricked by the ice ice fills up the glass, takes up the space that could be used for Corston press.

Unless the ice tubes are frozen Corston and press.

Oh, which I'll be open to actually.

That's what I want.

Yeah, yeah, that's what you want, mate.

Yeah, but I don't want cubes.

I want the crushed ice that's made of Corston press.

Fill the glass up with that, pour the Corston press on it.

That's what I'd like.

So there's a jug of Corston press in the middle of the table that I can keep on topping up my glass.

But it's crushed ice that is made from Corston press.

And that, but that's going to melt, that's going to bang into your teeth.

Are you using a straw?

No.

No.

I've never seen you use a straw.

Yeah, I'm not really really a straw guy.

He can't purse his lips, Claudia.

He has an open mouth all the time.

Do you know what, though?

I would use a straw if it was one of those, you know, novelty curly straws.

Yeah, round the bend.

That's fine.

They said happy birthday.

Yeah, yeah.

I like watching that.

That's really fun.

Okay.

So yeah, maybe I'd have one of those straws.

I'm very happy with your answer.

Are you delighted with that?

Is that made

more palatable?

Especially the crushed ice, because I hate ice cubes, but then I remembered I actually love crushed ice and I think it's really cool.

So, like, actually,

I'm really happy with that, especially if it's the same flavour as the drink.

I know what you mean.

I think crushed ice is really cool, and I think it comes from when you go over to a friend's house when you're younger, and they have that fridge with the ice machine on the front.

And I think I only had like one friend who had that, and I would just spend all day at their house being like, Crushed ice or cubes, crushed ice or cubes.

It's so exciting.

And crushed ice was the coolest'cause you see cubes every day, right?

Yeah, see cubes all the time.

No one cares about also, I don't like a cube of ice in my mouth.

It sometimes does that little screechy sound.

And that,

yeah, do you know what I mean?

Benita looks confused.

Because you can't purse your lips again, so it just falls out, doesn't it?

I can't purse them, just falls out.

Everything in this meal is going to fall out of my mouth.

That's why I'm next to the window.

Next to the window with a bib.

Yeah.

All right.

I'm delighted with that, if you are.

Oh, I'm so happy with it.

I was worried that I was.

Do you know what?

I was really worried that I was going to immediately get told, no, you can't have that.

Not by you, but by Edward Gamble.

And then I looked at him and realised he's done the same same thing.

Yeah, of course, yes.

Ed, I've got to ask you then.

So I've just put a bit of jug of crushed rhubarb-flavoured fizzy water.

Would you like still or sparkling?

I'll have a pint of Guinness, please.

I can have water at home.

I'm not going to my dream restaurant and kicking off with the water.

I can have that at the tap.

I'll have two liters of water before I go in to hydrate myself.

I'll have easy access to a toilet.

And for still or sparkling water, I would like a pint of Guinness, which they still recommend to drink after a marathon as the ultimate hydration tool with iron and other vitamins included.

One pint of draft Guinness.

I miss it so much.

Thank you very much.

Bought up a marathon immediately.

I mean, I feel bad about letting the rhubarb fizzy walk because the rhubarb causten world, whatever it is, seems to me water that has just sort of made eye contact with some rhubarb flavoring.

Sure.

Guinness, I'm going to ask you your drink later.

No problem.

That's coming up.

That's like asking for a side dish for water it's not it's still it's it's it's a very hydrating liquid it's uh it's delicious it's it's better water essentially someone's made better water water is still the base of beers and stouts so there's still water in there it's still mainly water I have a question.

Please.

Is it not going to fill you up too much?

No.

I mean, I don't know what your menu is.

It might just be frise lettuce and a tiny timbal of but a whole pint of Guinness, you're going to need to have a lie down.

No, I am extremely greedy.

I do drink.

I was actually, when I worked in a pub, I was accused by the landlord of drinking Guinness like water.

So I don't know whether I'm going to add that to my portfolio of evidence.

I can swig Guinness.

I can knock it back.

I could drink four pints of Guinness before I start to feel full.

But I would like one pint of draft Guinness, please, for my still a sparkling water course.

James, how are you feeling about this?

Well, number of questions.

I feel in a number of ways.

But you respect me massively, obviously.

Well, look, I always respect you no matter what.

But that doesn't mean I like you.

Here's what I've done, Ed.

Here's my question to you.

Any loophole that I've applied to my menu, my rule for myself was I'm not doing any new loopholes that we haven't had on the podcast before.

Right.

They're only loopholes that I've let people get away with on the podcast so that we're playing within the rules.

Claudia, when she was on, changed her water to, I believe, a soft drink.

So I was like, right, I'm going with Constant Press.

Sure.

Oh, yes.

I swapped it for a mug of macaroni cheese.

Yeah, that was it.

Okay, well, in many ways, the Guinness kind of has to stand up.

Yeah, the Guinness has to stay.

Especially if it's Claudia running this dream restaurant today, and she's trying to tell me I'm not allowed Guinness, sat there with a steaming hot mug of pasta.

I just wanted to flag it up.

No, and you're right to flag it up.

I knew it was going to cause a discussion, but I think we can all agree it's a great choice.

And let's move on.

How about this?

When they finish pouring your Guinness.

Yeah.

When they're just finishing it on the tap, just getting to the end.

They don't draw.

Oh, don't.

The heads there.

What if they wrote in the phone H2O?

I mean, I'd be impressed.

Yeah.

I'd be happy with that if we're if we're all happy to agree with that.

So this is a different day and it's you two talking to a guest.

Yeah.

It's Dean Gaffney.

He comes on and he says, because what happens with loopholes is they occur normally at the end.

You know what I mean?

You're 90 minutes in, everyone's jovial and you go, please can my side dish be a tiramisseu and everyone's like, ah, get out of here.

Bye, thanks for coming.

To go in hard with I'm not having water is bold.

And I'm just wondering if you two are there, Gaffney, whoever it is, I'm obsessed by him.

And he asked for that.

Where are you going with that?

As the creators, as the hosts of the show.

Well, if Gaffney asked for a pint of Guinness, so much respect to Gaffney.

Yeah.

Of course, because I'd be like, oh, damn it.

That's what I would have chosen.

We've not done my menu yet.

Yeah.

Fine.

I'd respect Gaffney for choosing a pint of Guinness.

If he could argue it like I have, like, there's the marathon evidence.

There's the, you know, the actual creation of Guinness.

And there's also the, let's not forget what the landlord said to me, Claudia, at the Rains Park Tavern.

We could drink four pints without even being full.

Well, exactly.

And I agree.

Look, I agree.

It's cheap.

It's a cheeky choice, but I think we're going to have to let it fly.

Okay.

All right.

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Man,

those are the best menus we've ever had on the podcast.

I'm going to say it, those two guys really nailed it.

Yeah, I absolutely agree.

But it wasn't just the 100th episode that was a momentous occasion for Off Menu.

We also did our very first live off-menu shows, James.

Yes, it was huge.

At the South Bank Center, thank you to everyone who turned up to the Royal Festival Hall.

Sold out, you all masked up, you all followed the protocol.

And as far as I know, no one got the Rona.

No one got the Rona, our proudest moment.

Also, the shows were quite good themselves.

So we can play a little, little few clips of those shows right now, actually.

Yeah, I think we should play the listeners us walking out onto the stage at the start of the show.

But also, definitely, we need a clip from the Izzy Sooty episode and the Edgar Wright episode.

Our wonderful live guests.

Thank you both for doing it much.

We did it

yes.

Oh, yeah, they're too much.

So, hello, welcome to the second ever off-menu live.

The off-menu live show.

Sprinkling the.

Oh, there we go.

It's not normal.

But honestly, thank fuck you're doing it because I genuinely haven't thought of one.

As I was walking out and everyone was cheering, I thought, this is lovely, but I've not written the intro again.

So,

I've not written one.

No, so we've got sprinkling.

What are we sprinkling on what?

Sprinkling what?

What did he say?

He said kettering, he said more on.

I see.

I

you can't sprinkle catering doesn't understand what you can sprinkle yeah

still also doesn't seem to understand the podcast never listened to it before

he's the reason I've stopped touring if you're wondering

that and the pandemic

probably actually blame the pandemic more than you sir

let's not kick off on that note James what do we let's not have one of your your famous meltdowns this early on

what are we spring What are we sprinkling?

I'll quit.

Take in the...

Sprinkling the

sprinkling.

What sort of things do you sprinkle, food wise?

Sprinkling the icing sugar of chat.

Okay, straight.

I mean, it's amazing how on the nose you are as a person owner, isn't it?

Just straight to icing sugar, no beating around the bush.

Sprinkling the...

you don't sprinkle icing sugar, you snorty.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I don't remember you criticising Ketterin this much when they guys shouted that out.

Accepted that immediately.

I had to point out how bad that was.

Sprinkling the ice and sugar of chat

over

the dough

of humour.

Yes.

Baking in the oven of live entertainment.

And producing the doughnut of friendship.

That's very good.

Pretty good.

No, it's really good.

So,

never made a doughnut?

Huh?

Ever made a doughnut?

Yeah.

How do you make a doughnut?

Sprinkle ice and sugar on some dough and put it in the oven.

Right, okay.

Have you ever burnt anything on a barbecue that isn't food?

I have.

That's the most obvious way I've ever seen a comedian ask a question and then go into their own anecdote.

Normally, it's slightly more subtle than that.

Normally, they ask and then they sit there, and you can see them going, when's my turn?

But that's brilliant just to go, have you ever done this?

I have.

It's like the worst thing to do on a date, isn't it?

Would you burn?

So when I split up with my ex,

I had a box of stuff from our relationship.

And you know, it's really hard

to.

And your ex was Claire Ward, right?

Let's be clear.

It's not Claire Ward.

Burnt everything apart from the cookbook she gave you?

No,

it was a man

who's, you know, very nice.

It didn't work out.

And he'd given me.

So because he didn't work out, you broke up with him.

Yeah.

Very body-shaming of you.

Didn't work out.

It was very nice,

but I did build a bonfire and put all of his belongings in it.

so it was a very it was a

it was a mutual breakup and I wish him well

so a it wasn't a bonfire it was a pre-existing expensive barbecue

and B it wasn't immediate so we'd split up for like eight or nine months my I'd said it's too painful to

be healthier if it was just a split, I fucking ate you, eight or nine months of stewing and then like, I'm gonna put it on a a barbecue.

Sorry though, carry on.

So the reason it was eight or nine months later was because when we first split up it was too painful to burn everything on the barbecue.

It was too painful to get rid of everything

and I didn't want to look at it but I didn't want to throw it away because I was like I need to wait till I've properly got over this.

So my friend said, put it in a shoebox in the top of the wardrobe, right?

Yeah.

So, I did that.

And then, about eight or nine months later, she was like, I think you're ready to let go of this relationship, but you need to get rid of the stuff.

And I was like, It feels too weird to give it away because it holds so much,

you know, emotion.

Yeah, and putting it in the bin is mad.

Be insane to just put it in the wheelie bin.

You don't want to be one of those crazy bin ladies.

Exactly.

So, yeah,

she just said, burn it on the barbecue, and it'll be like symbolic as well, because

it'll be like you're letting go.

So, I lived at that point in Camberwell in a flat chair, and my housemate had a really nice, expensive barbecue on the balcony.

And we laid all the stuff in a big pile on top of the barbecue, and it was like a teddy bear.

It's too weird to give this stuff away.

Light of fluid all over a tip.

Eight or nine months later.

Is the teddy bear going on first, the sort of kindling?

So the teddy bear went on first.

That was like a piece of paper that we'd played a game of hangman on at the airport that I'd kept.

Right.

Weirder that you kept that than you burnt it, I'd say.

Poor guy.

Thrashed him.

Keep that, always remember.

Handed him his own ass, a hangman.

Oh, look at that.

That man doesn't look like he's doing okay, does it?

I guess someone doesn't know the word onomatopoeia.

Fuck you.

Keep this in my pocket until we break up and then I'm going to burn it.

The reason I had that was because we decided to go to the airport on New Year's Eve and say destination anywhere

and see what happened.

But we went to Gatwick at like 7 p.m.

on New Year's Eve and there was only one flight and it was to Cameroon.

They said it's quite a long flight.

You'll be in the air at midnight and have you had your jabs

and we said no

and then they said well there's no more flights so we went to the pub in Gatwick Airport

and we played hangman and we also chatted to pilots children who were waiting for their parents to finish work so they could celebrate New Year's Eve.

They were the only people in old airport.

And one of them gave you a teddy bear.

No, that would have been brilliant.

The teddy bear was.

I think the teddy bear was just like a joke present.

I think in any relationship, a teddy bear's given, isn't it?

No.

It's nice thinking about doing a live one.

We don't have to answer all the questions like that for putting that situation.

I'm thinking, how do I break this to Izzy then?

That's not.

No.

Whoever said it, no regard for your feelings.

No.

Fuck.

Teddy bear.

You burnt it all.

Teddy bear.

Hangman.

Yeah.

Some clothes.

Sure.

Other bits of paper that were meaningful, like letters and stuff.

Someone knows what was in there, about

he's here tonight.

My fucking Final Facts as well.

But you'll never return.

I think.

We got a hard out tonight.

Because we haven't even started the menu yet.

Yeah.

I think technically we've got 40 minutes left.

This is like the reverse of Ackroyd.

I'm throwing those in every time for the hardcore as I don't care.

I'll do it.

I'll keep doing it.

Good luck with your friends.

Thank you.

Thank you for wishing us luck with our project.

Anything else go on the barbecue?

Two books.

Patch 22 and a snoopy book.

Fucking hell.

A lot of this is just stuff you could have donated to a local children's hospital.

Well, I know, but they had dedications in them and stuff.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Really says a lot about this guy, really paints a vivid picture of him.

Catch 22 and Snoopy.

What a range.

It's the whole gambit.

So we put them all on there.

A guy who was just living there temporarily

poured salt and wine on it and said said a kind of prayer.

What the fuck was the prayer?

What was the prayer?

It was like gods receive these gifts.

Grant Izzy the emotional freedom to move on, stuff like that.

Yeah, and then

he stabbed the teddy in the side and the juices ran clear.

I love gods receive these gifts.

I've got you a present.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I'm a god, so this is gonna be pretty impressive.

What have you got me?

It's a finished game of hangman that I did in a

in an airport.

Merry Christmas, God.

Are you a Snoopy fan?

She said the prayer.

Gods receive these gifts.

Yeah, set it alight.

Yeah.

Must have poured lighter fluid on it or something as well.

Set it alight, and it burned really majestically for a little while and then it quite quickly it

stopped burning like everything

would burn really quickly and we were like cheering and stuff

the guy who said the prayer losing his shit

absolutely loving burning someone else's stuff.

And this guy was only I want to talk a little bit more about this guy because he was only living there temporarily.

So you didn't really know him.

How quickly was he convinced into this, and how quickly did he suggest pouring salt and wine onto it?

He was really into it.

Yeah.

Like, so I knew him from college,

but he was only living there temporarily.

And I feel like he shouldn't have had as much of a stake in it as he did.

I should mention the guy who owned the barbecue on the flat was out.

of course, yeah.

And the guy said the prayer: is he just someone who was always, you know, people knew if you need that kind of service, you can call on him, be like, Yeah, he's just a very spiritual person, yeah, yeah, spiritual guy.

It dies down really quick, dies down really quickly, and then I realize that something's wrong.

It's only at this point you realize there was something wrong.

Hold on, guys,

not a raging fire fire anymore and I've suddenly sobered up and seen what would become.

So I get towards the barbecue and everything's gone but the teddy bear is like crucified in the position of Jesus and like melted onto the grill of the barbecue and like dripping down into the barbecue.

It was so like it was like a I don't know an image of Christ.

It was

So the bottom line is, I had to buy Steven New Barbecue and it was £70.

Yeah.

I got images of like you guys around the barbecue and it's all charred and the bear is just melting through it.

And that somewhere your ex-boyfriend was just walking around just going.

I hope he's doing good actually.

I feel like

I'm in a good place right now and I think the breakup is for the best.

And I think this space has really done us good.

So, like, nah,

I'm sure she's in a good place right now.

I had to buy a new barbecue because

the bear is dripping through the slots.

Still all sparkling water.

I did, this is maybe too much information, but this is the time for it, isn't it?

Maybe I shouldn't tell the story, but I did.

Let me just say I had to, I was bordering on having,

no, I don't know if I wanted to talk about this.

Well, I guess we'll all go home and just imagine what it was forever.

But at the minute, we're all thinking it was a wang.

Let's be coy about that.

You're like, whoa, if I've paid 700 quid, I'll fucking do it in the middle of the restaurant.

Yeah.

Again, my money's worth, excuse me.

There's There's your tip.

Let's just say frequent toilet trips were needed.

Yes.

And like, because I was in the States, emodium was needed.

But here's the thing.

Right.

I'm so glad you said emodium, because for a second it sounded like you were doing a lot of Coke.

It would also have the same effect.

And Patrick Bateman would be proud of me.

Let's go for the full American psycho effect.

Take a lot of Coke before dinner.

Kill a prostitute after dinner.

no the thing was is that like I knew going in I was ill but I'd it was Christmas Eve I'd booked you know it was difficult to get a table there this story is bleak meeting other friends

Christmas Eve shit in your pants and you go and spend 700 quid on a meal

but it was I just had that kind of I felt like probably I just like looked kind of you know kind of grey and sweaty for the entire meal but it was that thing it was like Christmas Eve and we booked a table I couldn't like you know kind of pull a sickie so I suffered through it and it was nice but that's maybe why I don't remember it as one of the being the best meals

sounds bleak yeah I mean was it the family no it was just friends I so want to know who was there any celebs there because if it was Christmas Eve I really want to know what celebs you're hanging out with on Christmas Eve.

It was Ryan Johnson who was having dinner with and his wife Karina Longworth, another podcast extraordinaire.

I think I tried to keep it secret that I was ill and then it was very clear I was not not well back and forth and really struggling.

Once you've done seven trips to the toilet during the meals, obviously something is that, or like you said, big cokehead.

How many courses was

taking going to the bathroom seven times to take coke would have been less embarrassing than essentially having diarrhea.

Yeah.

I just like the thought of you trying to style it out though.

Seven trips to the bathroom still trying to come back.

Tidings of comfort and joy, everybody.

God bless us, everyone.

Were you shitting as the time crossed from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day?

It'd be more of a.

That's the question.

I don't think so.

I would have liked to have done that on New Year's Eve.

Oh, that's good.

That would have been good.

Yeah.

Than to kind of, you know, it would have then kind of crossed two calendar years.

Do you want to know the worst calendar year crossing of my life?

Do it.

It was many, many years ago.

I can't believe I'm saying this out loud.

Everyone's having those moments tonight apart from I am coming out of this squeaky clean.

As it crossed from one year to the other and I didn't realize that this was the time one of my friends had decided to show me two girls one cup on his phone.

It's actually quite similar to your Christmas Eve.

You now have to share a story where you've been violently ill in a restaurant.

Yeah, well,

I've never shit myself in a restaurant.

It's fine.

I didn't actually do it.

Yeah, I shit myself in a steakhouse in New York, in LA.

Good times.

Well, there we go.

Bleasdale.

We're straight in.

There we are.

So

we're all aware of Bleasedale, the little punk who writes in suggestions for secret ingredients.

And James likes saying his name so much much that he's become a character.

I've enjoyed it, Ed.

And also, though, what makes it even more fun is knowing that the more attention that we give this gentleman, the more in danger we are of it turning into an actual problem for us.

Like

he might start being weird or something.

And I love, the more I say Bleasdale, the more I know I'm inviting trouble.

But hopefully he won't get too big for his boots.

It might have started to happen, but, you know, luckily at the live show, we cut him down to size.

Let's have a little listen to the first ever Bleasedale chant from the Tanya Moore episode and also Bleasdale taking his medicine at the live show.

We met him at the live show, Beber.

As always, there is a secret ingredient.

If she says it, she's gone.

She's out of here.

We don't care how funny she is.

She's gone.

Sorry.

And the secret ingredient this week is

dark fruit cider.

This was suggested by a listener.

I'm not really a dark fruit cider slash cider guy at all, really.

No, you know i don't drink much cider uh generally speaking but um when the dark fruit ciders come out or any of the fruit ciders came out i was like i bet this would be right up my street this would be delicious i've got a sweet tooth disgusted really because i would say any side they do like weird like salted caramel ciders and stuff and i would have thought that's that's so up your street to sickly man i've got a sweet tooth not a sickly tooth uh that was suggested by joe bleasdale on twitter thank you very much joe wonderful suggestion

If you would like to suggest a secret ingredient.

Try and say that.

It's really fun for us to do.

You can go on our Twitter off the new official on Twitter.

You too can have your name shouted in a sort of football chant by James.

Bleased!

Bleased!

It's a lot of fun.

It does feel nice to say it like that.

I bet Bleasedale's done that himself.

Bleasedale's over the moon with that.

I bet he said that in the past.

I bet he's like, oh yeah, they're doing what I do when I say my name.

Yeah, Blues Dale.

What do you think if, like, in a sort of scenario where everyone's like, who's here?

Who's in the room?

Yeah.

Blues Dale.

He does it to Vladimir.

Blues Dale.

And they're like, yeah, there he is.

Or other people are shouting that to him across the street.

Blues Dale.

It feels good to say it.

It does feel good.

Well, thank you, Blues Dale.

Like I say, if you've got your own secret ingredient, at Off Menu Official on Twitter, it's the place to go.

Every single episode of Off Menu, we always have a secret ingredient.

Oh, yeah, good point.

And if the guest says it, we kick them out of the dream restaurant.

Now, our guest currently can't hear what's going on.

We've made sure that she's got headphones on playing music.

So, we're going to let you guys decide what the secret ingredient is for the end.

Genuine excitement, you sad fuckers.

Look who's finally shown up.

Oh, now you're excited.

No.

Let's see.

What would you guys and it's

I didn't think it through.

No.

I'm holding my hands up there.

That's my fault.

I think we're going to have to do a polite show of hands and then we're going to go bam, bam, bam.

And I was already official.

And there you're like, well, that's not fair.

Bleasedale is here, though, isn't he?

Huh?

Bleesdale.

Bleesdale.

Bleased.

Bleasdale.

Blade Dale.

Blaisdale!

Blaisdale!

Sit down, Blaisdell.

Come on, mate.

Blaisdale in the flesh.

A lovely moment there where Blaisde stood up and then was waving and everyone's going mad and he just took his mask off as they say, it is me.

It is

really.

I'm pretty sure this makes me part of the show now.

Mask off.

Blaisedale!

Blaisdale's here.

Blaisdale,

if you've got an idea for a secret ingredient that we can do tonight, Bleasedale, I think that would be a very special moment.

Again, for those of you who don't know,

there has been some episodes of the podcast where we have had suggestions from the public as to what the secret ingredient should be.

Bleasdale suggested one once, and I really enjoyed shouting his name repeatedly.

And since then, everyone who's recommended something for the podcast, Foodwise, Secret Ingredients Wise, has been called Bleasdale.

Any ideas, Bleasedale?

patron peppers patron peppers go fuck yourself pleasedale they're delicious they're nice

what the fuck pleased

how the mighty have fallen

pleasedale what the fuck has happened you you knew you were coming here tonight you must have known this was an option this was going to happen at some point you chose patch and peppers why don't you like them

too slimy too slimy how the fuck are you cooking them

it shouldn't be slimy you're thinking

man

maybe i've only had bad ones, but.

Maybe you've only had bad paddies.

Where have you had your paddy pets?

Where have you been to?

Where have you been to get them?

Amazingly, in Spain.

In Spain?

Well, Bleasdale's a racist.

Hates

the local cuisine of wherever he goes on holiday.

Absolutely, can't believe this has happened.

Bleasdale.

This is ugly.

It's turned ugly fast.

Oh, that is a real shame from Bleasdale there.

Oh, dear.

Well, sorry to sour this best of episode.

That's a shame.

Oh, dear.

Bleasdale.

Let yourself down.

Let's try and win things back round, James, because not only did we do our first live shows, we did do some live streams from our homes.

We had two virtual redemption dinner parties where we invited back old guests who'd messed up their menu or said something controversial and gave them a chance to change their menus.

So many people watch them all across the world on the live stream.

And on the second one, this is probably my favorite off-menu moment of the year, Ivo Graham got pranked.

Ivo Graham was staying in a hotel.

He mentioned where he was staying, and this is what happened.

His dessert.

Ladies and gentlemen, the final guest of the Off-Menu Redemption Dinner Party.

A true little shit.

A true little shit.

It's Ivo Graham.

Ivo.

Oh, boys.

I can't believe I've made it.

You didn't think I was going to make it.

I didn't think I was going to make it.

Ivo is classically the latest man in comedy.

Getting a train to a live stream.

Yeah.

And as soon as we asked Ivo to do it, we heard back that, yes, I can do it, but I'm getting it.

Where are you, Ivo?

I'm in Hull.

I'm in the double tree by Hilton.

I can't believe it.

And I'm in Hull.

I'm in a hotel room.

I've got the stuff.

You little shit.

Not only are you on time, you're in your hotel room, you've also managed to go to the shops to buy the stuff.

So the question is, am I going to slice the banana into the oak valley?

How do you normally do it at the Graham Half?

Well, obviously at the Graham Half, there's a bowl, but luxury has not been afforded me by the Double Tree by Hilton.

It's not, can I say your father's first name?

It's not me.

I can't believe I'm getting a call.

Right, right.

Obviously, Dave Windows, obviously, obviously answer it.

I mean, is that someone you've said the hotel you're in?

Who has said the hotel he's in?

Please, please let it be someone watching.

Somebody's telling him to go fuck himself because he's eating bananas and yogurt.

Also, if it isn't, we've just given a load of people an idea.

Yeah.

They can phone his hotel room and say

you're a little shit for eating that yogurt and bananas.

Double tree

in hull and ask for ivo crimes

i've just yeah hang um hang on one second it's in hull for no reason

someone it's not ideal someone call the hotel asking for me and you've got to suspect it's someone who's watching the live stream

ivo definitely answer the call mate

answer the call ivo oh you can't hear us i don't know why i mean at the moment there's more more and more calls coming through.

Yeah, I mean, cover me jammed.

The old circuit board at the hotel is smoking.

It's going to be completely going nuts.

Someone in Hull is making their way over there in a cab.

Oh, this is oh, this is better than him being late.

Yeah, this is absolutely perfect.

His whole life is ruined now.

He's not going to get a week's sleep tonight.

He's going to be absolutely knackered when he goes to interview Dean Wingas because he's been fielding phone calls about banana yogurt all the way through the night.

There's going to be 40 pots of yo value left at reception.

Right, they're they're getting put through.

You're going to have to stop yabbering chats because it's very distracting.

Yes, put them on speaker.

I think it sounds like I've just said to the receptionist to stop yabbering.

With your voice, she probably expects that kind of stuff.

Hang on a second, I've just put you on speaker.

Can you say it again?

That's something we said 20 20 seconds ago.

They're talking about Dean Windas.

It's very stressful.

I really can't tell if

this is a prank from an off-menu listener or someone from the play industry.

They're playing the live stream down the phone to you, mate.

Yeah, literally seeming to somehow...

It feels like a Christopher Nolan film.

It's very stressful.

It's me from the past ringing you.

He's hanging up here.

I should never have revealed the hotel.

Yeah, well,

I wouldn't bother making the walk back to the yoga because you know it's about to ring again in a second.

Yeah.

I've hung up and it literally hasn't disconnected.

Yeah.

They're still talking.

Those phone calls will be in a queue right now.

I think you're in for quite the night, even after this live stream is finished.

You might go take that phone off the hook.

See, this is what happens when you arrive on time.

No.

Literally,

what is going to happen?

I think you know.

You know what's going to happen, mate.

If anyone lives in...

You're so excited about being on time that you announced your whereabouts.

You're so

chuffed with yourself.

You're like, here I am.

I made it to the Double Trade Hilton in Hull.

You know what?

Did you hear what they said?

No, what they're saying.

They couldn't believe I was putting banana in your valley yogurt.

Yeah.

What you're doing.

He's got all the

way to hull.

Yeah.

My way to hull.

Right.

I'm afraid I can't.

Yes, you can, Ivo.

You can.

Is that so?

Ivo.

Would you apologise to him?

Thank you very much.

Don't apologise.

Oh, I.

I'm glad.

Because if that happens again, I'm going to die.

Why didn't you take the phone call?

Because I thought it was important to shut down this whole phony the dumb

lady putting me through did not sound hugely chuffed about this whole thing either to me.

No, I'm imagining she's having some pick and choose at this point.

Yeah, well she's she's probably learnt what your dream dessert is and isn't too happy with you.

I'm now imagining like one of those old old style switchboard ladies just being like, okay, I'll transfer you.

I'll transfer you.

I've upgraded him, yeah.

Oh, boy.

Oh, man.

That person was called Mr.

Pearson.

So apologies to Mr.

Pearce.

Mr.

Pearce?

Who shall I say it's calling?

It's Mr.

Pearce.

It's Mr.

Pearson.

Please, Mr.

Pearce.

Address me by my proper title.

I'm calling someone I've seen on a live stream to ask them about their yogurt in a mug.

Please call me Mr.

Pearson.

If you please.

I wouldn't

bananas in yogurt.

I hate rice pudding.

Yeah, ambrosia rice pudding.

No, I hate rice pudding.

I think, why are you having a pile of rice for dessert?

No, sir.

No, thank you.

I still wouldn't have it as a dream dessert.

Don't get me wrong.

Yeah, when BCM chose it, I was pretty angry.

But that sounds like the sort of thing that I

at boarding school would be like rice pudding on Wednesdays, and all the boys would.

Hello.

Mr.

Pearson?

Is it Mr.

Pearson?

Mr.

Pearson's back.

Yes.

I'm very sorry.

I think I've

tell the receptionist that you've announced where you are on the live stream.

No, unfortunately, I've been the victim of a prank.

The

I'm afraid I'm just ranting my corpse trouser press.

Did you get done?

Yeah, it's it's yeah

I'd say

phone call one, the intermediary was um enthusiastic and helpful

phone two phone call two was a little confused and we're we're definitely in in terse now

so it would it really would be absolutely fantastic yeah

i know i agree it would be fantastic but

conversely there's many fantastic options in front of people no come on yes

i mean absolutely it would be good for you if people stopped doing it

It's not about me.

I'll sit up all night taking the calls.

Oh, don't say that.

You know,

I will.

Oh, no.

I'm afraid I've been the victim of a prank.

I'm afraid I've been the victim of a prank.

It is the most Alan Partridge thing I've ever seen.

You know, the most pathetic thing is, well, you can choose from your own selection, I'm sure.

But in my mind, the most pathetic and vain thing was

that I shaved my beard today for the first time in about 14 months.

And I thought, well, maybe that'll be a talking point on the live stream.

No room.

No.

No room for anything.

Very nice.

Thanks for having me.

I feel sick.

If you like that Iva shaved his beard and you think he looks nice, you know how to get in contact with him.

Oh, man.

The victim of a prank.

Bad luck, Ivo.

Oh, dear me.

I mean, I don't remember laughing more than that this year.

So, thanks.

Thanks for that, Ivo.

And you know what?

Just in case you saw Ivo hasn't had it in the neck enough in this best of episode, here's a little clip of Jack D bit being horrible to him.

Go get him, Jack.

Do you like curry though?

I love curry.

Do you like the smell of curry Jack?

Um I like the smell of it when I'm cooking it.

Do you like the smell of curry when you're performing, when you're on stage?

Oh I know where this is going.

I know where this is going.

Yeah yeah yeah.

This was

do you know that that

Ivo Graham.

Yeah yes.

Right.

He's a comedian.

He's a right bastard.

And he was doing my support on a little bit of a warm-up tour that I was doing about four years, three or four years ago.

In fact, no, we were sort of spitting the bill because we were both trying out new material, but technically he was my support on that.

And he'd done a support in this little theatre in Hayward's Heath or somewhere like that.

And then I was on stage,

you know, doing my shtick and talking and, you know, having a...

And I could suddenly smell curry.

and I thought what's going on and I said to the audience anyone else smell curry and I I looked in the wings and what it was was Ivo Graham had set himself up with a little table and a full-bloody curry while he was watching my show from the from the wings and he he's telling that story like it was a good thing that he did

without realizing you know that

and then another one he didn't even turn up on time

so I ended up being his support act Yeah, yeah, so I warmed him up, and then he arrives like some, you know, some big diva with a big fur coat on, and you know, and I, and uh, I had to sort of get the train home while he had a great time with the audience, that I just warmed up for him.

You didn't think to order a takeaway and eat it in the wings.

I should have thought if I'd been quick enough thinking or vindictive enough, that is exactly what I would have done.

But I didn't, no, but he's yeah, I believe actually, according to Ivo, what you said, you didn't say, Can anyone smell curry, you said, Can anyone smell cuppa soup?

Ah, well, I'll tell you why.

I would have confused that because nearly all theatres backstage smell of cuppa soup.

That's right, that's such a good observation.

They do smell of cuppa soup and microwaved ready meals that the crew get ready for themselves.

Christ knows what their colons are like, but those places stink of that stuff.

And it's partly why I can't eat it.

I cannot eat that stuff.

You can't eat cuppa soup.

Can't eat any of that stuff that's got all those dry ingredients in any powdered garlic and stuff.

It makes you feel sick to smell it.

Yep, that sounds pretty unprofessional from Ivo there.

He deserved everything he got from Jack D.

Good on you, Jackie boy.

But of course, this year we haven't forgotten what this podcast is really about, James.

Food?

No.

Pee pee, poo-poo, and von vom.

Yep, that's exactly what it's about.

Doing peas, doing poos, and puking out your mouth.

That's what people love talking about.

We never stir it in that direction.

It's not our fault.

No, because you can't have food or drink without pee-pee, poo-poo, or von vom.

And you can't have pee-pee, poo-poo, or von vom without Anne-Marie, Bridget Christie, Ed Sheeran, Sarah Kendall, Anne-Marie again, and Emily Haytak.

But what is it that you love about quinoa so much?

Because a lot of people might be listening to this going, How, how can someone have quinoa as one of their choices?

I just

love it, it's like rice, but less ricey.

There you go.

If anyone from the quinoa marketing board is listening, we've just found your new slogan.

I think James has found what he wants painted as well.

If you could paint quinoa, like rice but less ricey.

Yo.

Oh, I would love that as a quote.

I would put that on my wall.

And also, it fascinated me.

This is disgusting.

But the first time I ate quinoa and I went to the toilet, it was still fully quinoa.

Oh, my God.

And that made you think, I'm going to prep this for the week.

It just fascinated me.

It's the first thing I'd seen.

How hadn't.

No, no, no, I don't think that.

I can't see that happening.

It comes out the same as it goes in.

I've never known anyone.

It does.

It does.

Are you chewing?

Are you just swallowing things like a big python?

I couldn't believe that there was a whole button out of squash in there as well.

I mean, what?

You looked back in the bowl and it was just like someone had emptied a bowl of quinoa in there.

That's all it looked like.

No, I'd eaten other things that day, obviously, so it was still normal.

And then there was just quinoa there as well.

I've never told anyone this.

No.

I think what I'm interested in is that leap then from you seeing that the first time and then going, God, I think I like quinoa even more now.

Yeah.

I know.

Oh, this is great.

What a wheel.

You feel like great.

I'm going to have some more quinoa.

Yeah.

Does it, does it, does it appeal to you?

Because do you think, oh, this means that if I'm ever sick from quinoa, it will just come out the same and it won't make me feel, it won't look like a horrible big pile of sick, it'll just look like a lovely bowl of quinoa when it comes out my mouth.

Well, get this.

I went to a hypnotherapist about my phobia and I said to her, because when I feel sick, I have to do this thing where I'm like, please go down and come out the other end.

like please I'd rather poo myself in public than be sick anywhere and so I

another quote for you

I'd push it down like this in my brain I'd make myself do that instead of throw up

and I went to the hypnotherapist and I was like is that actually real can I actually do that is that possible for me to my brain be that powerful to push it down instead of come out and she was like yeah

yeah, I'd call that a waste of Jedi powers, is what I'd call that.

Don't say you're on the you're on the voice, you're sitting in the chair.

Would you rather, bearing in mind you're face of the audience in that chair, you would rather shit yourself in front of all of them

than puke?

What, what, I, yes, you would rather do that.

You think that they would go home with more respect for you,

definitely not, but I would be happier.

Imagine if Tom Jones was sick though, just as he'd press the button to spin the chair around, it'd be like the Waltzers all over again.

Oh my god.

I can't even think about it.

If Tom Jones was sick, would you respect him a little bit less?

Yeah.

No,

I would just

be out of the building.

Like, when it's on TV, like say if like casualties on or something, and someone's sick, I run out of my house.

Like, that's ridiculous.

What if Tom Jones pressed the button to spin round and then it malfunctioned and then it just kept on spinning round and round and round?

And Tom Jones was there screaming and being like, no, help me.

And then he starts being sick while it's spinning.

He's like the guy on the waltzes with his hand on his mouth and he's looking at you every time every time it comes round.

He's looking at you with big stranger eyes.

His eyes are getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

He's asking you and helping.

He's reaching out to you, helping me.

I think I've found something that is unusual.

Sometimes I have nightmares.

They're quite regular.

Someone comes up to me and says, Where's the toilet?

I need to be sick.

And I say, it's over there.

And then I run away and they think I'm showing them to the toilet.

And then they're running after me.

Because we don't keep things like that.

Lots of cultures, indigenous cultures, keep placentas and

because they believe in like in the planet and stuff, and so they give something back to Mother Nature because they think they've been given life.

So they plant it in the ground or they attach it to a tree and they sort of see it as giving something back.

It's really amazing all that stuff.

It would take to stumble across that tree on a walk.

I'd be absolutely petrified.

Imagine if you're taking a walk at night time and found the placenta tree.

No, we just throw dog shit in them, don't we, instead?

What, in the trees?

Yeah, in bags.

Have you not seen trees covered in plastic bags?

No.

Have you not?

I've not seen a tree with a plastic bag full of dog shit.

That's the...

Have you ever been on a motorway?

In a lay-by, look at the trees.

People just...

Or do you walk?

Have you got a dog or anything?

No.

Right, maybe you've not noticed.

Yeah, trees, I know.

Back me up here, but

I can't believe this.

I can't believe you don't know how much people throw bags full of dog shit into trees.

No, I've never seen it.

Yeah.

Neither of us has seen this.

It's a thing.

It's a thing.

Peter's shaking his head.

Yeah, it's a thing.

I think you're living very sheltered lives.

I don't know.

Maybe you're the one living quite a sordid life.

It's not me.

I haven't got a dog.

I mean, I wouldn't do it.

Also, it's like, why go to the bother of putting it in a dog bag?

It's probably better to just let your dog foul, isn't it?

Because of the plastic.

Did you see one tree where this was the case?

So have you seen it?

Do you see it a lot?

It's a thing, and you're going to get lots of calls about this, I imagine.

Yeah, it's a thing that people do.

It is a blight on the countryside.

Yes.

And in parks.

I believe you.

I've just never seen one.

Well, you're lucky.

I wish that I had not seen it.

Yeah.

Imagine all the little birds that should be in the bag.

They're pecking into them thinking.

They've got a tree full of dog shit.

Well, I don't think they'll be pecking into the bags, will they?

What kind of birds do you know?

Well, I don't know any birds, but.

Well, they don't eat bags of dog shit.

Yeah, but they might want to see what's in the bag.

They might want to see what's in the bag, though.

What kind of a bird is this?

What kind of tree is this, you know?

They're not going to pack a plastic bag.

It's not going to do a bag that doesn't smell of.

I grew up in London.

I don't really know about nature.

Would it pack a placenta?

It might do, actually, because that's organic matter, isn't it, rather than a plastic bag?

You'd hope so.

Would you rather sleep on a pillow made of egg feathers or sleep on a pillow made of feathers that are from birds that exclusively?

the feathers.

Eggs don't grow feathers.

Well,

you're the one who said you sleeped in egg feathers earlier.

Yeah, sorry.

Would you rather sleep on a pillow full of egg feathers or sleep on a pillow full of feathers from birds that have exclusively been sitting in the dog shit tree?

It wouldn't make any difference to me.

No?

No.

Wouldn't they smell a bit of dog shit?

No.

Because the

well, no.

I mean, unless they had a bath in it, which they don't do,

they, I mean, how would I know?

We'd be able to tell you.

We'd tell you at the end.

Oh, you'd tell me.

You'd have one night with you pick your pillow.

Well, the little egg feathers, then, I think.

Egg feathers, yeah, fair enough.

If you had a pet bird and you bought it and you were really happy with it, you're excited, and you brought it home to your kids.

Why are you shaking your head?

Before we even got to.

I can't even go to aviaries.

It bothers me so much.

Oh, or zoos, I can't cope with cage, anything caged.

Okay, well, it's not in a cage then.

Oh, so I live on a huge estate and it just flies around.

Flies around your house?

Yeah.

If it can come and go as it pleases,

well, I've got three cats,

so I wouldn't have a bird.

But let's go.

Let's just say they all get on.

Your family love it.

Yeah.

Everyone loves it.

Yeah.

It can come and go as it pleases.

So here's the catch.

All it eats is bags of dog shit.

Do I have

to do this scenario?

Correct.

So everyone loves the bird.

It comes and goes as it pleases.

Sings so nicely.

Sings a beautiful song every day.

I'd have to say to it, there's a lady down the road who's got a dog.

You'll have to eat there

and then come back when you've finished and have a wash before you come back.

I don't think, because I think then I could call, for example, the RSPB

and say that Bridget's got a bird, but she's refusing to feed it.

Hang on a sec.

I've was given a scenario

with no options or deviations.

So I don't know why the RSPB are now getting

because you're refusing to feed your birds.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are, because it only eats dog shit and you're making something else that bags of dog shit and you're making something else.

But we've come to an arrangement.

If Polly

then said, well, I'd rather eat here.

I would say, well, we need to have a look at your diet then.

I won an ice ice cream eating competition in America because of that.

Tell us every single detail.

Yes, I tell us this.

How old were you?

When was it?

Where was it?

I was 22.

How many other people were in the competition?

I was 22, and I was on tour with Taylor Swift, and she had invited my family to go and stay with her.

How did she do in the ice cream eating competition?

She played Eye of the Tiger over and over and over and was going, you can do it, you can do it.

Okay,

let me tell you the story.

So we get, so my brother.

Taylor Swift put all the ice cream in a blender and have it as a drink.

A shake.

My brother.

So she can shake it off, right?

right here.

My brother.

Don't fist pop.

Any questions for that one?

No.

Both of them are here.

No, that's just putting them out there if you want to bump them.

She's taking a bit of pop.

If you want to bump them, a bit of pop culture and a thing that people eat.

If you want to bump them.

Oh go on.

Yeah.

So she had invited us to her place in Rhode Island.

So we got there and she said there's this great little ice cream place in the town.

We went there and they had this ice cream eating competition called the Big Kahuna Challenge.

And at this point, I'm, as you said like you finish everything on your plate and i was like i can do this yeah i know i can do this and it's something it was something crazy like two liters of ice cream yeah and i was like i can do that so i said we'll do it i'm there with taylor and my brother and they bring this ice cream out but you have to add toppings and i stupidly said gummy bears which are

you know they're gonna they're gonna fill they're gonna fill you up so i start i start eating this thing and i get maybe a halfway through and i go man i'm killing this and then because it's taylor lots of fans started turning up so in the end there's like 20 or 30 young girls going you can do it Ed you can do it So I'm eating this thing I get to sort of three quarters and I start shivering and I'm like oh man This is actually really really fucked up and I'm there and I'm I'm shivering I've got like one and a half liters of ice cream in me with these with these gummy bears and I'm shivering but then I've got this the pressure of all these kids watching me and Taylor's playing I of the tiger and my brother like my brother still says to this to this to this day like and I've had a lot of achievements in my life my brother still says the proudest he's ever been of me is when I finish the big kahuna challenge.

So I finish it, everyone's like, yay, and I go, I have to go to the toilet.

And I go to the toilet, and when I say I projectile vomiting out of my nose, out of ice cream, and it's chocolate ice cream, it goes all over the floor of the toilet.

And I'm like, man, there's 20 kids in here.

They're going to come in here and think that I've shattered all over the floor.

So then I had to clean it up.

So I'm there wiping all this like melted ice cream.

I was in there for probably like half an hour.

Anyway, cleaned it all up.

Went outside.

Everyone's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah and um yeah i got a t-shirt they took my picture and they put it on the wall oh my god and i felt very proud to be on the wall i think lots of people have done the challenge now but at the time my stomach could take a lot and now it's um oh imagine being one of those gummy bears what a wild ride those guys went on

if you're ever but if you're ever gonna do

coming out of a blake's nose

i wonder if i sweat so much because i've got so much hair on my head yeah you got a a lot of hair.

Interesting.

It might have pushed the thermostat above what it can tolerate.

Well, I mean, while we're talking about this kind of stuff, and who knows how much of this is going to end up in the podcast, this is the most vile one we've ever done.

But

before we recorded, you went to the toilet.

Did you?

Then when I went, well, yeah, this is the thing.

You went to the toilet for the amount of time that I would say.

Takes a piss.

I shit so fast.

Already knew what I was going to ask.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know.

It's crazy.

Everyone who's ever lived with with me are like, how did you just do it that fast?

I'm like, not only do I shit fast, but I'd say I shit as often as I piss, but it's not diarrhoea.

How incredible is that?

But also, you do it out of your nose.

Straight out the nostrils.

That's chip.

Yeah.

I sneeze.

You shit as often as you piss.

No, look, that's a bit of hyperbole.

I've never heard someone say with such pride, but it's not diarrhea.

Whoa.

But wait a second.

It's not diarrhea.

But it's not diarrhea.

Diarrhea is a shortcut.

I feel like diarrhea.

For anyone who's like, I shit all the time, I'm like, yeah, but is it diarrhea?

That doesn't count.

I do healthy, well-formed stools, but frequently.

But frequently.

I think it's the fasting.

Yeah, it must be.

I think it's the fasting and the double espresso.

Fucking clear a path.

Get to the bathroom.

ASAP.

The thing is, Sarah, you came in here and you had a go at James for eating a sausage bap and having a Diet Coke.

Yeah.

And everything you've described so far about your own life, you are the unhealthiest person I've ever met.

You think?

I think it's healthy.

None of this shit.

Isn't that?

And I shit all the time and I sweat buckets.

You sweat buckets onto the floor and it smells of meat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And piss.

Sorry, piss.

It smells of piss.

You shit as often as you piss.

Your throat's as dry as some of you.

You're very fast.

Your driest throat in the world?

I've got dry, yeah, I've got such dry throat that I think.

It's all the moisture's leaving your body up, your armpits.

Yeah, and I'm swallowing so often that the muscle is exhausted.

And you've blamed all of this on the fact you've got quite a lot of hair.

Yeah.

Yes.

I feel like my whole life I've had this eating

thing because I have a phobia of vomit.

I have a phobia of being sick, right?

So I've never wanted to try anything.

And I think that's why the vegetarian life works for me as well, because I feel like I won't get ill.

My girlfriend is the same as you, Anne-Marie.

She's also afraid of vomit.

I believe it's emetophobia, isn't it?

I think is

the name for it, which is, I find it very interesting that you like cream cheese because, weirdly, her emetophobia is

also tied to a fear of things like yogurt and cream cheese because of the texture of it.

Wow.

And I've just realized, as I've said that, I'm worried I've just put you off cream cheese.

No.

No, no, no.

No, you can't put me off.

No.

Yeah, I've like, when I was about 11 or 10, I went to Blackpool with my family for a karate competition.

That's the puke capital of the UK.

What were you thinking?

Well the day before the competition we went on the fairground and we were on the waltzer

which is the spinny roundy one

and

girl

not me I was fine.

A girl in my cup was like coughing and I was like don't worry she's just coughing she's just coughing

and then she put her hand over her mouth and I was like what is going on and then I just saw something come out the side of her mouth

And I was I stood up and I was like stop the ride Please stop the ride.

She's gonna be sick and the guy was obviously like we don't care people are sick all the time and my brain this is how mad it is my brain Saw the ride stop so i my brain told me that it had stopped right and i stepped off it

and it was still going full pelt.

And I just like, yeah, come off of it.

But I was fine.

I just walked off.

Oh, God.

And my dad, mum and dad were just like watching this whole thing happen.

Did you use your karate skills when you jumped off?

Was that what it was?

Yeah.

So you just like land perfectly.

Do some karate moves.

Get off of the waltzes.

So yeah, I'm so terrified of it that I think that that

subconsciously made me not experiment with food until the past like three years.

So that's why I get that meat thing as well.

So, there's less chance of making a mistake and eating something that's that's old or something that's got some problems with it.

Yeah, I totally, I totally get that.

Smart, I mean, it's not going to stop me.

I love I love vomit,

Ed does love it, second dinner, he calls it.

Yeah,

I remember when that Instagram first sort of came out, I was sort of trying to gauge like what was popular to put up, and I realized people like pictures of food, don't they?

They like sort of seeing little pleasing bowls of things and

drinks and stuff and i was still i was sort of trying to do it i thought right if i put a picture of my poached egg is that going to get likes and then i just realized no it is just a pick of the tits

watch the likes roll in so i gave up on putting poached eggs on my instagram no

point yeah i don't follow you on instagram um i'm not on instagram myself but i i'm now imagining your timeline is just like loads loads of pictures of food and then suddenly it just completely changes and i've got to say emily i don't follow you on instagram and you do realise after this conversation, there is no way I can.

Yes.

It's right, not bare tits, just, you know, but it's impossible for Ed to follow you without you thinking, oh.

It's impossible for you to get that notification saying Ed Gambler's followed you on Instagram without thinking, oh, right, yeah, I see.

Yeah.

I guess it's olives from now on in.

Yeah, get the poached eggs back.

Yeah.

Also, quite interesting, just before we move on, nice to know that James thinks of his butt as his tits.

Yes, the butt.

The butt is the male tits.

Yeah, it's a cleavage, isn't it?

It's a cleavage.

Look, you know, at the end of the day,

I just kind of think if someone sent me a picture of their tits,

I think it would be a little bit hardcore to go straight in with a D shot.

And I think what I would do in response would be a photo of my butt.

I've got the funniest image in my head.

Do you think anyone in that scenario would then send you something back?

If they, you know, were kind enough to send you a picture of themselves in that scenario and they received a butt pick back again yeah do you think then that conversation's carrying on yeah well the ball is in their court uh oh is that there as well

just by accident yeah sometimes tucked between the the legs yeah yeah pop it through

little something little sneak three of you yeah

You've got a funny story about someone sending their butts to their girlfriend, haven't you, Ed?

I know you were pressing me for that.

I'm not sure.

Oh, Oh go on.

Someone I sort of know once sent a butt pick to his girlfriend to spice up the relationship and she broke up with him almost exactly after that.

Oh my god, no.

Was it because his bum was really bad or was it because she was like, well, this is just...

I just think it's, I think it's weird to send a bum pick.

A bum pick is a very bold choice.

I'm always scared of man's bums.

Like,

you know the little walk?

You know the little walk on the way out?

If you've just like...

I don't even know if you can air this.

On the way out?

On the way out to the bathroom.

You know, when you line your men and then they walk off to the bathroom to have a wee, I always get really scared to look because I'm scared.

I'm like, I want to see what his bum looks like, but I'm really scared.

What are you scared of, Emily?

What are you frightened you're gonna see?

I'm just scared.

I'm just like, what's it gonna look like?

Is it gonna be hairy?

Is it gonna not be hairy?

Is it gonna have something weird on it, or is it

gonna put me off some

of the tarangula sitting up crawling out of it?

But do you know, like, I don't know, like, oh, bums are scary.

I get scared of bums.

What's the worst thing you could see on a man's bum that would scare you the most?

What are you most worried about seeing on a bum?

Like a spear.

Like a piece of shit?

Well, that's the right answer.

A piece of shit.

there was a moment there where James was so taken aback and then thought about it and was clearly like, well, yeah, obviously that is the way

going, well,

my initial response in my head was, oh dear, why say that?

And then I went, no, it's absolutely the right answer.

Yeah.

Especially if you've been laying in bed with this man, he's like, I'll just go pop to the bathroom and there's an actual piece of shit.

Just on his bum.

I i mean yeah i mean i laughed immediately because that's exactly my humor so yeah there we go absolutely loved it

oh my god i'm actually crying see i'm crying at the thought of the horrible shitty bum

yeah that would be very bad

i was gonna ask what's the best thing you can see on his bum but uh

nice clean bum nice clean bum that's what you want isn't it

well thanks emily james and i had both forgotten about that and now we're remembering you saying that, and we're laughing.

Very, very funny.

What a weird guest.

Also, what is very exciting, obviously, the story that everyone requests the most from off-menu, and the one that people can't get enough of, is my personal diet coke story.

No, James, where do you get all these requests?

No one's requesting you do that.

Well, I get a sense of it.

No, not even your mum's requesting that, and she is your only link to the outside world.

Yeah, okay, that is true.

But, like, you know, I get a sense when we're recording the episodes, I get a sense people want to hear it.

I can like sense the listener requesting it when they're listening to it in the future.

Your senses are all off.

But there were more mentions of the Diet Coke story this year.

And we've got a little clips package here from two film directors we've interviewed, James.

Yes, we got a prequel to the Diet Coke story from Jason Reitman, and also Edgar Wright on the live episode also talked about the wonderful DC.

Have you heard the story, by the way, about Coke Zero?

No.

About

why there is Coke Zero?

Have you heard, do you know the story of New Coke?

No.

Okay, so I'll try to, I'll tell this fast or you'll cut it out.

Oh, no, you'd be surprised.

I've told some boring Coke stories in my time, but Bonito's always kept them in.

Oh, well, let's start 50 years back then.

So in the 80s, there was a moment where Pepsi started to beat Coke.

And in that moment, Coke created a new formula.

You may remember this.

They created something called New Coke, and it was a disaster.

And in response, they came out with classic Coke, the original formula.

When they came out with Classic Coke, they did not change the flavor of Diet Coke.

So Diet Coke tastes like New Coke.

So if you want to taste the failed formula of the 1980s New Coke, try Diet Coke.

That's what it tastes like.

That's what it was.

And then recently, Coca-Cola realized, oh, we have the technology to create a zero calorie beverage that tastes like Coca-Cola.

And they came out with Coke Zero.

So that's why there is Coke Zero.

But they didn't know how to market because they couldn't pull Diet Coke off the shelf because there's people who love Diet Coke.

They love new Coke.

And so they had to figure out a new way to market it.

And so they came up with this uber masculine black can.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's why you have Coke Zero.

Now, this is all that Diet Coke tasted like normal Coke.

I told you, Bonito.

I told you this.

This is the thing, you see.

I used to, I cut caffeine out of my diet in 2013.

You wouldn't know it.

Didn't have anything to do with caffeine.

Right?

Well, this is the thing.

Five years later, 2018, I fell off the wagon.

What I did was start drinking Diet Coke.

So I didn't drink anything else, but I thought, I'll have Diet Coke.

That's got caffeine in it.

I'll have that anyway.

I hadn't had Coke in five years, so Diet Coke tasted like regular Coke to me.

And this is what I've been saying on this podcast for ages of how it tastes like normal Coke to me.

And now it's been confirmed that the reason why is because it's new Coke.

That's what I've been drinking the whole time.

But when did this new new Coke thing happen?

In the 80s.

Yeah, so that's not why, James.

That was in the 80s.

No, no, no.

Diet Coke to this day tastes like new Coke.

Yeah, he's never had new Coke.

That's what I'm saying.

Yes, I have Diet Coke.

I speak all the time.

But he knows it doesn't taste like regular Coke.

I feel like I'm being ganged up on here.

Oh, bad.

But I think, regardless, James, that's still a very boring story.

No, no, it's a great story.

It's a great story.

And you know what?

This is the main running thread for the whole podcast, is that story.

You've been amazed, it actually is.

Yeah,

I hardly ever bring it up myself.

This comes up out of nowhere.

And Jason just told, basically, we just had a prequel to it.

That's exciting for the fans at home.

Yeah, we got in the DeLorean.

Yeah, yeah.

We come right at the DeLorean, we hop back in time, and we learn why it tastes like regular Coke to me.

That is exciting.

I'm excited.

Yeah.

Until the venture, you love it and you can't tell the difference anymore.

Oh, yeah.

Like the Pepsi challenge.

Yeah.

Do the Pepsi.

Well, I mean.

You're probably too young to remember that.

Does anybody remember the Pepsi challenge?

I could.

I mean right now I could tell the difference between Diet Pepsi and Diet Coke if anyone wanted me to.

They're very different.

Do you think Edgar

usually

do you think Edgar if you didn't have any water for like a year

Do you think then if you had sparkling water it would taste the same as still water?

I thought you were going to ask me if I was in the desert and somebody came in and they gave me a bottle of sparkling water.

That's a better question than my desperate appeal to an in-joke on the podcast.

You'd have to be really fussy to turn down the sparkling water at that point after three days in the Gobi Desert without any water.

But do you think your mouth would be so sensitive that

the bubbles would just like, well, your face would melt.

No, that's the point.

James is disappointed because I interrupted his Diet Coke story, by the way.

No, he's so angry.

He's not going to get over this.

What would be your preference Pepsi wise?

Diet Pepsi I'd go for.

I like Diet Coke as well but I prefer Diet Pepsi but like for ages I didn't really have

I kind of like gave up caffeine entirely, which like I have to be careful saying that in the building because I think Edwin Coffee's not left yet but like I didn't have caffeine in my diet for ages and then after like five years I started drinking Diet Coke skin and I hadn't had like full fat coke in all that time and after five years of not having any caffeine and not having regular coke diet coke just tasted like normal coke

can I just say

Firstly, we did this the other night.

James told that story maybe a hundred times on the podcast.

It's made the other way.

We did it live the other night and we came.

It was brilliant.

It was a lovely show, lovely audience.

We came off stage, and James was a bit bummed out.

I was like, What's wrong with that?

It was really funny.

He went, I didn't get a chance to do my Diet Coke story.

And it was great live then to hear people being bored by it live

because you all cheered when he started doing it, and then there was a noticeable drop-off in energy.

I think you need to be able to tell the difference between bored and on tender hooks.

Well,

I reckon those guys should team up and make a Diet Coke the movie.

Ed, this is exciting.

Two Hollywood directors that take my personal Diet Coke story and they make it into a blockbuster.

I'm in the O again.

I'm in the Hollywood O.

Can I play you?

Yes.

I'll give it up to Diet Coke for so long.

This is great.

It's going to taste like normal Coke.

Oh.

But Benito, are you playing a clip of me right now?

Oh man.

Where's this clip coming from?

I can't remember this episode.

I love that coke so so much.

Whoa,

Bonito.

I mean I know I don't listen back to the episodes much but this clip completely passed me by but that's me all right.

Anyway we're gonna get on with

national treasures.

Oh I guess

hold on

I guess I should get Ed.

Ed's very hard to do because his voice doesn't have any distinctive quality.

What are you saying, man?

national treasures!

Cato, yeah, you can.

Oh, God.

We've had national treasures galore on the podcast.

We have had national treasures galore on the podcast.

Uh, I realize I actually can't do that good an impression of you, which is a shame.

So, let's hear from Miriam Margulies, Miriam Margulies, Mira Sael, Ross Kemp, Ross Kemp, Timothy Spool, Jamie Oliver, Bob Mortimer, and Ainsley Harriet.

My rule is that I never make anything.

I get people to make it for me.

I'm not a cook, so anything has to be ordered in or brought in by friends.

That's a very good rule.

When did you set yourself that rule, Miriam?

I think when I was born, probably.

I think it was set down in the book

from a very early age.

I have never been a cook.

I can cook some things, but I won't.

I don't like cooking.

I like other people to cook for me.

Are there any other top Miram rules that we need to know about, your rules for life that you always stick to?

Oh, yes.

I mean, generally speaking, tell the truth, never let the sun set on a quarrel, and never be fucked up the bum, because that's something that I have never done.

I bet you can't say that.

Now, when

you asked us, when when you said, I do hope this conversation doesn't just isn't all below the waist,

were you talking to us during that bit or were you talking to yourself?

Because since then, Miriam, you've farted and said,

don't fuck up the fucked up.

The thing is, boys, that thoughts suddenly occur to me.

They just pop into my head.

You know that.

You're stand-up comedian, so you know what that's.

Exactly.

It's the same with me.

I'm a sit-down comedian, I suppose.

I want to be amusing,

but I haven't made a living, as you have, doing that.

So it just popped into my head, and that's why I said it.

Quite right.

Always follow those instincts, I think, Miriam.

You've always got to follow those instincts.

I will.

I will.

Excuse me a second.

I was going to go and come back.

Apologies.

Okay, we'll wait for James to get...

See, this is why if James needs to fart, he has to go out of the room.

How sweet that he has to go away.

I think that's terribly sweet.

Is that you, Emily?

Hi, darling.

Just throw me the sandwich.

Just throw it to me

because I can't let you.

No, no,

can you can you throw it onto my desk?

It's right, it's very good.

That's what.

Oh, fuck.

It's all right, wait a minute.

I'm just going to get my sandwich.

The sandwich has gone on the floor.

You hit the desk right.

It's just it was ours.

It's a cheese and onion.

Oh, cheese and onion.

How could it be more perfect?

Oh, Britain.

How did you know?

Thank you, darling.

I'll pay you after.

James, big, big update since you've been away.

Emily's arrived back with the sandwich and it's cheese and onion.

Oh, wow.

This is great for you, right?

You must be delighted.

You don't mind if I have a nibble.

No, you go for it.

You tuck in, Miriam.

Tuck in.

There it is.

Yeah, good.

Marks out of 10 for it?

Oh, nine.

A nine out of ten.

What would it have to be to be a ten out of ten for you, Miriam?

Extra onion.

An onion on the side to bite like an apple.

Would you say you would prefer an onion and cheese sandwich than a cheese and onion sandwich?

I don't know how to answer that.

Interesting question.

You look very...

You take it really.

I appreciate that.

No, I still think that onion has to be the accompaniment.

Yeah.

But thanks for asking because it really made me think.

It did.

I was glad about that.

Oh, what a lovely, that's a lovely meal.

I'm going to read back your menu to you now and

we'll see how you feel about it.

Always nice to hear it back.

Water.

You want sparkling water with ice and thinly cut slices of lime.

Poplarums of bread, you chose a warm, crusty roll or a French baguette with butter.

Starter, chart from Deshoom.

Main course, seafood paella from the Barcelona Beach Restaurant.

Side of samphire and drink, rose lassie, rose lot.

Fuck, fuck, I said, Look at it.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

Yes, dude.

I can't believe it.

Yes, dude.

Oh, I believe I definitely want to edit that out because it makes me look like an idiot.

I'm dead.

So sorry, James.

Yes, Lussie.

I believe it's called Lussie.

Oh, thank you, Ed.

No worries.

At least you know now.

Actually, there was a gang that I met in Ulampatua, which is obviously in Mongolia, because I knew that before I went there.

No.

And they frequented a sushi restaurant.

Now, Mongolia is one of the most landlocked countries on the planet.

And apart from the fact they like to have snuff and vodka for breakfast, which I had to partake in, of course, to be accepted by the group every morning.

You're doing a documentary.

You've got to do it.

Got to do it.

Exactly.

This sushi used to be flown in from Japan every day.

And I've never even been to Japan, but I like sushi a lot.

And the sushi that these guys, this gang used to have, apart from the fact that I didn't like the idea that they went around celebrating Hitler's birthday

and they had SS tattoos on their heads and stuff like that.

But that might that might have been for sushi sushi.

Sushi said, absolutely.

Scrubshush.

Scrubby sushi.

So, yeah, so maybe the richer gangs, the poorer gangs, possibly not.

Well, that is, that is quite the bind.

This sushi is delicious, but these guys, I'm pretty sure they're Nazis.

Yeah.

Yes, but they gave that away by the kit they were wearing and going around waving flags on Hitler's birthday, which is something I never...

I also, I declined the cake on Hitler's birthday as well, which they were quite upset about, funnily enough.

Well done.

Did the cake have Hitler on it?

Do you know what?

Can I tell you how many times I've been offered cake by Nazis?

Whether it be in

Moscow, Dallas, or in fact, Ulaan Batur.

More than once.

And they love a cake.

Yeah, I didn't know that about Nazis.

Why do you think they love cake so much?

Well, because they like sticking their insignia or anything they can, don't they?

They like draping it everywhere.

So why not put it on a cake?

If you're going to stick it on your forehead and stick it on your arm, you might as as well stick it on your cake yeah it's an easier way to get people in isn't it because like they go if we offer people the cake their need for cake might override the fact that yeah

everything we believe is abhorrent so uh we'll get them in that way yeah and that is no joking i can remember going to meet a load of moscow nazis and they literally put a salad out and in tomato capture they'd put a swastika oh my god cross

i mean uh pathetic anyway uh i don't i don't wish to remember them are you you at that point now when whenever you meet a new gang of Nazis, before they've even opened your mouth, went, no, I don't want any cake, thank you very much.

And they're like, yeah, yeah,

put the Battenberg away.

He doesn't want it.

When you go to someone, look, obviously, you can't say who you really are.

We're shooting you in silhouette.

Would you like to have a name, a pseudonym?

Do you know how many of them often came up with the name?

Dave.

There was a guy tortured people in Colombia.

We met him in a sex hotel.

This guy

was cold-blooded killer.

He cuts people up for a living to find out where the stash is.

He literally turned around to us and he said, you could call me Dave.

And like, I was on the floor, right?

And Dave said, you told him, you told him to say that.

You told him to say that.

Like, you're going to go up to a guy like that and go, before we interview you, come here.

This will be a laugh.

Exactly.

That guy's name's Dave.

Say your name is Dave, because your sort is the last kind of people he'd want to be associated with.

It'll be a funny little joke.

Nice sex hotel, by the way.

Let's do this.

Can I tell you something about the sex hotel as well, which is really, really odd?

Yeah, yes, because the aircon's on, it's um, right down on the Pacific coast of Columbia, which is where all the drugs go up to Los Angeles.

And we had to turn this because of Dave Sound, my good mate, Dave Williams, we had to turn the air con off, right?

So, all of a sudden, this guy's sitting there, he's got a locked-off camera on him, and Jonathan is the big cameraman.

Jonathan, he doesn't drink, Jonathan does drink, Jonathan Young, is on a penny case, you know, those big plastic cases, Jonathan Lenz, Jonathan Lenz, yes, you got it and um we suddenly start seeing all the fingerprints because the lube is now becoming apparent but the floor is turning into an ice skating ring right now i am absolutely dripping our chap funny enough doesn't drip at all he's talking about cutting up his best friends how his dad was cut up how he thinks he's going to get cut it's like it's kind of heavy stuff he's really trying not to get cut up this guy anyway i realized i'm seeing all his hand prints on all these kind of furniture and everything like that.

And there's this kind of fridge in the corner that's full of condoms and gel and bizarrely a comb.

What do you want the comb for?

Anyway, I certainly don't need the comb.

Right, anyway.

Want to put it in the fridge?

We're doing this interview, right?

It's now dripping.

The floor's gone like a rink full of lube, right?

And Jonathan's on this penny case and he slips off it.

Now, he's about six foot five and weighs a good like 15, 16 stone.

The penny case goes bang.

I jump out of my skin.

This lad who we're interviewing, because he was locked on a d5 D5 camera, he didn't move an inch.

He's just like, I'm used to big bangs, funnily enough.

But yeah, sex hotels, don't go shooting in them, particularly when the town man says turn the air con off.

Too slippery.

Slippery occasion.

I was taken to hospital to see a psychiatrist by a mark because my hypochondria was so bad as a child.

There was a bloke who used to walk down that street who had a huge nose, big red nose.

And somebody said to me, you know why he's got a red nose like that?

And I said, no.

And they said, because he had cancer of the nose and they had to use a piece of his bum to stick it on his nose.

Three weeks later, my mum caught me crying

in the scullery, not a kitchen I hear.

I wasn't, I'm not Dickens.

I'm not in the Dickens double in the scullery.

He said, what on earth's the matter?

She said, I thought I've got cancer of the nose.

And they're going to make a bit of tuck it off and put a bit of my bum on there.

He said, well, this is it.

They referred me to a psychiatrist at

St Thomas's Hospital.

We went there, mummy.

My mum was a very smart woman.

We went there.

And I didn't really know what to expect.

Now, what you've got to realise is that I also was at that time, I was 12, but I was a skin head.

So I had stayed breast trousers quite high, Ben Sherman's shirt, skinhead, cutting part in, braces and Doc Martins.

Okay.

You're the kid for This is England?

I was, yeah, yeah, yeah, very, but, you know, when Skinned, well, Skinned then, this was, you know, 1971, the original Skinner, you know, I wasn't really a Skinner, I mean, it was like a kid version, you know, and I didn't realize I was shown into this room, um, and it was a lecture theater

full of medical students.

And I was on a stage, my mum was sitting next to me, and it was a psychiatrist on a stage.

And when I walked in, all the medical students started to laugh.

and then when she said, This is Timothy, he's 12 years old, and he is showing signs of hypochondria, they all started tittering again.

I thought, well, this is even then at the time, I thought, it's just a little bit outrageous.

I remember thinking, don't think that's you're supposed to do that when you're a medical student, apart from being really humiliated.

Then, every time I asked the question, I asked, there was titters, there were stifled titters from the audience.

And then I was taken in, I was examined, and about 10 of these titterers came came in.

I was lying on a tape.

Maybe this is where the acting started.

I don't know.

Or maybe, maybe, sympathy.

I mean, there's a 100% chance of that.

Yeah, it all comes from trauma, clearly.

Yeah, I mean, this is not the worst.

I mean, I didn't, obviously.

I am growing sort of slightly bulbous nose.

I think that's just age, but

I know it's not me bum being put on there.

But no, I've got through that.

But I did have a worse piece of hypochondria.

And

we had a very small cactus in our bedroom

once my brother and I shared it when we were moved to a council flat and it fell on me and it pricked a little bit.

And I spent an hour just thinking I was going to turn into a cactus.

I thought in the morning, I started to cry my brother and said, what the fuck?

What's the matter with you?

I said, cactus is falling on me.

I've got a big cactus in the morning.

I'm going to wait.

I'm going to just be a big cactus boy

so a big cactus boy so

i'm gonna be a cactus boy in my bed

imagine going and i'd have to go put me stay pressed on me bed shaven go back to the throne and then they would stop laughing they would be frightened wouldn't they be a skin head cactus cactus boy had turned up in his skin head you know the last thing you want from a skinhead is to be a cactus boy right because you're not well for a start you couldn't be a skinhead because you'd have big spikes sticking out the top of your head well yeah i suppose you could cut a part in

between the trip.

You thought that.

I'll tell you what, people would

be a bit scared of you, wouldn't they?

I mean, I suppose you would probably be a quite intimidating skinhead if you were a cactus skinhead.

Yeah, the last thing you want is to be nutted by a cactus, right?

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Because then you'd become a cat.

If you were a hyperconductor, you'd become a cactus too.

I had a revelation with Boxer Shorts.

Yes.

Have you ever heard the brand Sacks?

No.

S-A-X-X.

Oh, right.

Like, so look, if one could give one a gift,

like,

like,

I'm not even joking, right?

So, and I'm not, I have no relationship with the company at all.

I think you're about to.

The crew who we use, we had this moment, like, what are you wearing?

They all pull up their little bits, Canvin Klein or something.

And

I bought them all sacks.

Yeah.

If you want to have your balls cradled by an angel

all day.

Who doesn't?

Every day.

They have, this is the truth, TM ballpark technology.

I'm going to, before you leave, I've got some downstairs.

I'm going to show you some.

I'm not going to give you them, but I'm going to.

So if someone said to them, what's Jamie like as a boss?

They'd say, he makes us all wear the same pants.

Well, I don't have many men in the company.

We're like 85% ladies, so that wouldn't work.

But for the men that are here, I have tried to, I'm not trying to get them onto sacks because I'm pushing like a cool brand.

It's got nothing to do with cool.

And actual fact,

they're not that cool to look at.

Yeah, I don't think.

But ballpark technology.

But ballpark.

I'm not even joking.

Do you ever call people?

It's like

you were saying, what's the one?

One of the biggest revelations in the last two years, it's that.

So if you're a fella listening to this, if you don't believe me, then just try it because your eyes will go, and then that is it.

Go and check out my tour dates, edgamble.co.uk.

Yes.

Tickets avail.

And I will be teching that show.

Yes.

I know this is under the show.

Hello, Jamie.

Hello.

And it's been weird.

Yeah.

Oh,

you got some sax pants.

You bought in some sax boxer shorts.

The same thing is if you think that it's just me joking.

Literally.

No, you have to look.

This is the TM.

Yeah.

That's the T.

So having a little look inside.

Oh, so you tuck them in the little pouch?

Oh, that is literally a little pouch for your balls.

Let's look at that, Jamie.

I was going to reach in and have a look closer, and then I realised they are genuinely your pants, aren't they?

That you've got to do that.

Yeah, you've just taken them off in the toilets and then brought them back in the showers.

It's hanging out there like Bruce Springsteen,

hanging out in your jeans, your boxes.

No one will know.

They look amazing.

No, I'm going to check them out.

Yeah, they cradle them.

The cradle.

Thank you, Jamie.

See you, Jamie.

Well, very rarely do we get a reprieve from the guests during the outro.

I think that's the first time that's ever happened.

Let alone they come in and show us some boxer shorts that they were possibly may or may not have been wearing earlier in the day and show us where the balls go in the box of shorts.

But it's happened and if at the start of this crazy journey known as off menu someone had told us one of the episodes one of the guests will leave to go and do an interview respectfully for the one show, but then reappear during the outro to show you their boxer shorts and where the balls go in it.

I would not have thought, well, that will be Jamie Oliver.

But that's what's just happened to us in our life.

And special.

Very special moment for us there.

I was genuinely about to reach in and touch them.

Yep, you were about to touch where the balls go to see, oh, where would they go?

And then you realise, as you were about to do it...

They've just been there.

Yeah.

The balls have literally just been there.

I was going going to reach in and touch the pants.

He didn't come in and pull his trousers down.

I just didn't want to make a collective list of what happened.

He didn't come in, pull his trousers down, and go, have a look at the ballpark technology.

Look at where they go.

He came in holding some boxer shorts.

With his trousers up.

Yeah.

Trousers up, zipped up.

I'm presuming he has other boxes on the premises.

Yeah.

He was holding a pair of boxes.

Yeah.

Said, look at these, came round, opened the boxes up so we could look inside the boxes and you can see that there was a little compartment for the balls there.

I didn't realise, I didn't think about this, that maybe people listen at home.

But he came in, pulled down his trousers, said, look at these, then look at where the balls go.

And Ed was at one point tempted to reach in and touch them.

Yeah.

Because that isn't what happened.

No, that sounds bad.

Well, it sounds unusual for the pod.

You know, it's not standard pod practice.

But

yeah, I forgot that the listener can't see what's happening.

So they may have thought that J.

Motherfucker just came in.

Sorry about that sound.

I'm reaching in and scratching my balls.

Yeah, that was Ed scratching his balls.

Just scratching his balls.

They're a bit dry today, actually.

River.

A bit dry.

One of my favourite things to eat is an Odeon cinema hot dog.

A really, really...

Me and my son were

obsessed with them.

Yeah.

And I think I could have that as my starter.

Yeah, absolutely.

I want to have one of a hot dog as your starter.

I want to have one.

It's not a main meal, is it?

I don't think so.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah, like if you go to the cinema and have a hot dog, which I'll rarely do, but it doesn't feel, I wouldn't, that wouldn't be my lunch.

No, it's always.

Like I'd have it instead of popcorn, like as a snack at the cinema, right?

It's a major snack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not a meal, I don't think.

So I'd like to have that.

The number of times

it's so upsetting for myself and his son because a lot of the time we go and see like, you know, just the latest action thing.

But really, we're kind of going for the hot dog.

Yeah.

And so often they put that little prod in to say, sorry, no dogs.

It's not ready.

Not ready.

And they've only got three or four on basically everyone's come for the hot dog not the film

have you ever gone in bought a hot dog at the cinema and then left again without going to the film no I've never done that you'd have to penetrate the ticket check wouldn't you do you because I think you do at mine I really

I think my local cinema the snack concession is before the ticket check very wise of them so you could go

definitely would do that yeah so these hot dogs I've got a lot of questions about these because you'd be surprised to hear Bob this is the first time that the Odeon Cinema hot dog has come up on off-menu.

Is it one of those ones where they're on those rollers?

So the sausage is constantly in motion.

Yes.

What are those?

Because I always look at them, I marvel at the rollers.

Is it a warming thing or is it more presentational?

Thank you.

Because it's interesting, innit?

I don't know whether the heat is contained within the rollers or whether the rollers are just turning the sausage.

I don't know the answer to that.

Yeah.

Sometimes it's best not to know.

I would guess heat underneath the rollers.

Yeah.

Rollers just do the motion.

Yeah.

Because I imagine heated rollers, that's quite that's extreme, right?

That's going to be pretty pricey.

Yeah.

For them to maintain that at the Odeon cinema.

Yeah.

But maybe they can.

Yeah, how confident are you that if I took you to an Odeon now and they were circulating, would you press firmly on those rollers?

Would I put my hand down on the rollers?

Well I wouldn't I think the heat is still coming up from underneath those rollers and making them hot.

Yeah.

But I don't think the rollers themselves are generating the heat.

So I guess if you took the rollers,

you know, if you moved them away from the rest of the machine and they were just the rollers on their own and you turned them on, I would press my hand against them and I would expect them to be cold.

Right.

I think.

I would be quite confident.

I think you're probably right, James, but would you accept there's a tiny bit of doubt?

I wouldn't be completely in my head just like, this definitely won't burn me.

I think a part of me would be like, I could get burnt here.

And there's always the chance that you do that and then sort of slip anyway.

Slip anyway.

Smack my elbow on it.

And I end up my whole body being rolled round and round.

And you end up in the big popcorn.

And you end up in the popcorn page.

Like humunculous.

It's like the Odeon hot dog.

It's one of the last places that you can buy.

very traditional hot dog.

You know, it's a very soft bum.

Yeah.

it's a tinned Wesler's, I believe.

I have tried to find out.

I think it's Wessel's.

Nobody seems to know.

I did ask on Twitter, but people do seem to think it's a Wesler's hot dog.

Okay.

So it's soft and floppy, salty, and delicious.

Because nowadays, often hot dog is a real sausage or it's a baguette crusty bread.

No, not into that.

So yeah, Odeon hot dog would be nice, thanks.

Absolutely.

The first time I had one of those kind of hot dog sausages um we've you know we speak a lot on this podcast about times that you know yeah you try something for the first time blew your mind you felt like your whole world changed yeah and i definitely think the first time i had one of those sausages i thought well this is the best thing ever gorgeous this is like amazing and then instantly i think articulating that vocalizing it to my parents and getting told those are disgusting and you shouldn't you shouldn't eat those because it's right that's bad that's not even proper meat blah blah blah and all that stuff but they are amazing they're amazing.

And proper meat, they are like, they're proper in the sense of the word that that's proper for a hot dog.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

When they start fiddling, it's like it's having an interest in something in your life is important, isn't it?

And a hot dog isn't a terrible place to experiment with.

I wonder what it's like having an interest in your life.

Yeah, yeah.

Because like, um, so you try a hot dog whenever one appears.

And it is interesting at Arsenal Football Ground, they serve literally the worst hot dog.

Even the Arsenal fans will say, if you go on there, it's an extraordinary thing.

It's like, yeah, it's got quite a tough casing, like with knots at the end.

Do you know that sort of thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was like, but look, it's really, and like, when you split it, water comes out of it.

It's a stinker.

Yeah, that's bad.

There's probably some people who love it, but whoa.

I mean, so if you were, say, the manager of Arsenal Football Club, you use your substitute, Genie, to change the hot dogs every week.

That'd be the play.

Change the hot dogs.

Yeah.

The fans would be livid.

If you were losing like one nil or it was a draw, and then you were like, no, we're going to use the play to change the hot dogs again.

Yeah.

I think it wouldn't be a bad shout if you were 4-0 up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Genie?

Yeah.

I do cinema hot dogs sleep.

I don't know whether you could though, James, because it won't affect the play, will it?

Well, it could affect the play because it would affect the fans' morale and their encouragement to the

play.

So they'd hear this huge cheer go up because of the end of that hot dog.

Well, there might be like, imagine a little boy sat in the stands, he's crying because he's got a terrible hot dog.

Yes.

And then

it just changes.

Yeah, that's the sound it makes.

Yeah.

And it changes and then suddenly he's happy.

The rest of the fans catch on and then a big one goes.

I forget all the problems with Venger and Specta in an instant.

I love my team.

I love my team.

An Odian hot dog here at the Emirates?

What's that?

Always used the genie.

It's the genie play again.

What are you putting on the hot dog?

This is before we move on to the mains.

I think we need to know: is it just a plain hot dog?

It's just a plain hot dog.

And the yellow and the red.

I think it's Heinz in the Odeon.

It must be Heinz.

I think it says on the bottles Heinz.

Yeah, yeah.

And so I'll buy into that.

I don't suppose they fill them up with Costco custard.

Out of order if they do.

You'd be able to tell.

How are you putting it on?

Because obviously, we can put it on in any style.

What I do is

hold it like that, which is nice to have something that you hold like that, innit?

Not so often.

Sorry, I know people can't see, but you hold it.

Cradle, the sort of cradle.

Crazy, yeah.

And then from one end to the other,

straight lines.

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

Okay.

People can hear how heavy you just catch your fist and you put the bottle down, so that's good.

And then the other side of the sausage, the other colour, the same.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then, with my finger, is that your ring finger?

No.

Your pointing finger.

Index finger.

Index finger.

I swirl them both together.

Then lick the finger

and say it's good to be alive.

And then stroll to me.

Dark seat.

Yeah, you've got to do that before you get a single.

Has your son adopted this as well?

Yeah, actually,

isn't this nice?

This shows the true bond between a father and the son, that he allows me to do his swirly mix with my finger.

But you do his first, I take it.

I do tend to there's because you can't do yours, lick your finger, and then

it has to be someone else's hot dog first.

I mean, I'm not much of one for

extreme cleanliness.

Yeah, I don't sort of frolic around in dog dirt,

but you know, I'm not that bothered about that sort of thing.

I hope I've passed it on to my children.

How old is your son?

23.

No, he's not.

He is?

And he still lets you

lets you swirl his ketchup and mustard together on his hot dog with your finger.

Yeah.

So he goes to the cinema with you, 23 years old.

Yeah.

That's nice.

There's nothing wrong with that.

That's lovely.

That's lovely.

Yeah, yeah.

Gets his hot dog.

Yeah.

Ketchup and mustard goes on, and then in plain sight of everyone, his dad turns and then runs his finger around his hot dog and swallows it together Then puts his finger in his mouth and says it's good to be alive

son.

I don't want to really let you go today without talking about hello Jill why hello Jill

Poor Jill's checked out now you know let her go okay well I didn't know

there was me and of course Alison and then this little lady sitting in between us on the sofa.

Do you remember that scene?

Oh, my God.

Craig James was wet in self-love.

Not only do we remember it, Angela, we talk about it, I'd say, at least three times a week.

We love it.

My favorite thing to watch on YouTube,

I love the way that you come into the room.

Really?

Yep, and you sneak past the door like that, and you close the door behind you.

That's funny.

And then...

Hello, Joe.

Do you remember that?

And they gave her a brand new TV.

She was so small, wouldn't she?

Yeah.

And she was, and there's me out in the kitchen, in Jewel's kitchen, and trying to make her this surprise meal and stuff and I'm going for it and every drawer that I open up there's a packet of fags in there or more importantly more importantly there's about three or four packets that are empty you know those people just keep them they think I might be might find something in there one day and they've got these empty packs every time I'm looking for something

I go this one I'll go the bottom one open it like that and it would be like something like sobrani or something like that you know weird fags that you only smoke at Christmas christmas you know i mean

bless her um i love an old lady who smokes yeah great my great grandma we we bought her a nightie for her birthday once and the next time we went over there the nightie was on on her bed and had a massive fag hole put in it and we didn't know she smoked she's like oh yeah she took it out when she was 75 and just have a cigarette in bed every night

terrifying the most dangerous time to have a cigarette

the only thing that would have made hello jill better is if she was smoking when you came in in the

she did sneak off for a fan.

She did get blessed.

She liked her little fan.

She didn't come and went off of their gun when, you know, when there was a break, you know, we'll be, you know, you send it back to Eamon and Ruth in the studio.

She's off having her little fag and little brownie fingers.

Fantastic.

Why, hello, Jill.

She had no idea.

Let's talk about that moment, Anthony, because like poor blackbell.

Talk about that moment because you're outside of Jill's, you're waiting to come into Jill's living room.

They've handed you a frying pan.

Did you know that you were going to deliver it like that?

Was it?

No idea.

I had no idea.

Because they're standing there now.

And then they're going...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Go like that.

All the signs, you know, you have all the kind of people standing on the side.

Then you go in because now the camera's in the right position.

And I think Alison has got Jill to sit down.

So it's kind of, it gives me an entrance.

And when I walk it, I want to piss myself laughing

because Alison's about four times the size of Jill.

She's nearly disappearing.

Like,

why, hello, Jill?

And Alison's looking at me, and I'm looking at Alwyn.

This is a good gig.

what a bunch of national treasures wow but it's about time james we heard from an international treasure oh man now the international treasure that this is a big one this was a big moment you know what i actually can't believe it going on going over the uh the highlights of this year this is absolutely mad

the amount of things that we've covered so far in this highlight this is not even the end of episode one yet it's pretty great yeah and this next international treasure became something of a phenomenon with the off-menu listeners yes we lost control of our own podcast this person railroaded us yeah they basically sold their vodka on the podcast for 40 minutes we are of course talking about uh the ghostbuster himself dan aykroyd actual dan aykroyd um mind-blowing i mean it's difficult to include too many clips from the dan aykroyd episode because it it is in itself an entire clip so we considered putting the whole episode out again and calling it the best of but people probably would have gone mad so let's just play the bit where we got the approval of dan ackroyd

if i may ask you a ghostbusters question sure and bring in crystal head

all right at the end of the ghostbusters the first film ghostbusters the first yeah yeah

you've got to not think of anything because if you think of anything it will materialize I ducked it well now what do you do do you think these days you would think of crystal head and then you would look down and through the streets is coming a giant skull glass and how a do you think that's what you would think of and that is what would then attack the city and b how would the ghostbusters defeat it oh man if i had to go back and and and be that character right there i probably would go blank i wouldn't think of anything because you got you got to be careful what you wish for um do you think crystal head would just win do you think it'd be a very different film it would be unbeatable

But the head is very benevolent, you see.

The head has a nice little smile.

The head, I mean, it could appear in the sky as sort of a and rain down good vodka on the crowd in the movie, I suppose.

But no, it's not, you know, well, some operators.

Now, the Aztec

were able to operate it for causes of doom and destruction, apparently.

But they were mostly known as crystal balls in North America and Central America.

The indigenous tribes, the Anasaze, the Zuni, the Navajo, the Aztec, the Mayans, they all had a crystal head.

So it's a benevolent skull.

It's a smiling skull.

But in its history,

I'm sure it was used by operators to call down doom upon enemies and rivals.

So the lore goes of the 13 crystal heads, which is what we based our design on.

Well, in history, the Stave Puff Fast Mellow Man is very nice and friendly.

He is part of history.

But then at the end, turned up and was extremely, you know, because Winnie Zulfort of it.

yeah he was uh he was uh uh you know on all the bags uh in stores for kids at campfire and uh and was was thought of as benevolent and that's why stance thought of the most benevolent thing but you've got to be careful what you wish for got to be careful now that we used to have something in canada called the angeles uh marshmallow man he was a cop the say uh the staypuff marshmallow man was a sailor if you'll recall yeah it was a little different but it was i i based that on the on the angelus man and the pillsbury doughboy or the Michelin Tireman, all cute, pudgy little creatures.

Wow, sure, but watch out.

They have a bad side.

What do you think is the best profession for someone made entirely of marshmallow?

Good question.

Would it be a cop or a sailor or maybe another job?

Unemployed.

Oh, psychiatrist.

Because you could just keep peppering them, they'd absorb.

Keep peppering them, then they'd absorb.

And they wouldn't need a couch.

You could just lie on their stomach and talk about your problems.

Well,

I hope I've helped you here for your project.

Is someone actually going to try to cook this meal?

Yeah, Bonito's going to try and cook it.

Ah.

There we are.

Well, you did help us with our project, Dan.

Thank you so much.

You helped us so much with our project.

Yeah.

In a way.

I mean, in the short term, it didn't feel like you had.

But

when it went out.

It was like...

If you're like, oh, can I have some help with my homework, please, Dad?

And then your dad does the

entire project for you in his own words without looking you in the eye, and then says he hopes he helped and leaves.

Yeah, and then the teacher looks at it and goes, Your dad did this, your dad did this, you don't know about this stuff, yeah.

Half of it's about vodka, yeah.

So that's the end of part one of the best of.

Don't worry though, because there will be a part two, and it'll be out tomorrow.

Goodbye, goodbye, everybody.

Ainsley, anything to say on the matter?

Get back in your lounge.

It's high time someone's on with you.

Finally, someone said it.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.