Best of 2021: Part 1

Speaker 1 James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 4 Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

Speaker 1 I have. We've done live shows there.
And guess what? We're doing more live shows there next year. Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.
But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Speaker 1 Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run. The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

Speaker 1 It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest. Those shows have been a lot of fun.
We cannot wait to do them live.

Speaker 1 Who will we pull out of our little magic bag? You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

Speaker 6 If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Speaker 1 Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m. And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.
So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

Speaker 9 The day in between is for reflecting.

Speaker 1 Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Speaker 1 Hello, and welcome, James, and people listening to the Off-Menu end of year 2021 Best Off Special.

Speaker 15 Wow, 2021 was the best year off-menu ever.

Speaker 17 Everyone agrees?

Speaker 15 Benito agrees, Ed agrees, and I agree.

Speaker 20 And that's the three main voices that matter when it comes to how good off-menu is.

Speaker 1 Actually, that's not true at all, James, because there's another voice that you listen to when it comes to off-menu.

Speaker 2 Jason Belizzi.

Speaker 1 No, I believe that she agrees as well.

Speaker 10 My mother?

Speaker 21 Yes.

Speaker 22 Yes.

Speaker 23 My mother said it's the best one.

Speaker 1 Well, that's what we're really talking about here is that your mum said it was the best one. So now you think it's the best one.

Speaker 1 Because you don't listen to it, but your mum texts you every time she's listened to it.

Speaker 25 She does.

Speaker 15 And she said it was the best series ever.

Speaker 23 And then she got really angry at Sarah kendall for being a bully so i don't know actually i haven't i haven't checked on her what she thinks about that maybe she's changed her opinion on the series do you think that's tarnished the whole year for her it could have you know and left a bitter taste in her mouth at the end of the year but then you know we're recording this pre-the harry hill episode going out so who knows maybe that'll sweeten the pill again i don't think sarah kendall was a bully i'm gonna throw my hat into the ring here i didn't feel like she bullied me but uh my mum's protective She saw her cub being cornered by a Tasmanian devil and

Speaker 15 she felt like I was being bullied.

Speaker 38 Okay, let's flip the script.

Speaker 1 I think your mum's a bully.

Speaker 33 Hey, I mean, make the case and it shall be seen.

Speaker 10 What does that mean?

Speaker 31 I don't know.

Speaker 31 I'm saying.

Speaker 40 Tell me how.

Speaker 1 Look, make the case and it shall be seen. It's been such a great year for Off Menu, James.
Look, it's been 2021. That's something that we all know.

Speaker 1 It's been 45 episodes of Off Menu. It's been a very productive year for Off Menu.

Speaker 15 Yeah, so many great guests.

Speaker 33 Anthony Jeselnik.

Speaker 11 No, no, that wasn't this year and you didn't enjoy that one.

Speaker 14 That wasn't this year.

Speaker 1 No, you didn't enjoy that one. You cried afterwards.

Speaker 43 My favourite episode.

Speaker 15 And that's all the clips we're giving you this year.

Speaker 1 No, that was last year.

Speaker 24 That was last year.

Speaker 1 You're getting mixed up now. We have put out 45 episodes this year, year, James.
You must remember some of them.

Speaker 20 Yeah, I do remember them, actually.

Speaker 7 It was a roller coaster ride.

Speaker 15 Loads of stuff over Zoom, obviously.

Speaker 9 Recording in lockdowns.

Speaker 15 Things opened up again and we did some in person.

Speaker 44 Now it's the end of the year and we're all confused.

Speaker 22 Excellent.

Speaker 1 Well done for remembering all the key details for this best of episode. Some were over Zoom, some weren't over Zoom, and now we're all confused.

Speaker 15 Yes, that's exactly the narrative of the year. And I think off-menu sums up everyone's experience of 2021.

Speaker 1 So here today is part one of our favorite clips from all of those episodes that we've put out this year.

Speaker 1 It has to be in two parts James because like you and your mum say it's been a great year for off menu. So we're dividing them up as we always do into sort of little thematic chapters.

Speaker 1 Benito's done this for us and he's written us some excellent scripts to get us into each clips package.

Speaker 33 He has done and he said to us, just like our ad reads always say to us, stick to the wording.

Speaker 34 Don't mess around and put your own spin on it.

Speaker 1 So we're gonna stick to it Benito I want you to know everything we say from here on in on the podcast is gonna be exactly as Benito has written it exactly this first section is called inventions and it's written

Speaker 47 I like to invent things to put on my winkie

Speaker 1 I don't know why I'm laughing that's what it says well it says

Speaker 1 I like to invent things to put on my winkie I don't know what Clippy's about to play.

Speaker 31 I don't got no idea.

Speaker 1 Actually, there's something else written here that I am going to read out as well. Look, it's Inventions is about the food and drinks inventions, James, because guests invent their own recipes.

Speaker 1 They've got their own nicknames for stuff. They flip the script on food on a regular basis.
They do crazy stuff. Crisps as a starter, for example.
Putting chicken in a blender, for example.

Speaker 1 Quite frankly, disgusting stuff a lot of the time.

Speaker 15 Some of them wind us up, some of them wind up the listeners, but they are entertaining every single time.

Speaker 45 I love hearing a bit of invention, a bit of creativity from the guests.

Speaker 33 And we've got some great ones here from the likes of Bob Mortimer, Munya Chihuahua, Emily Atak, Joe Wicks, Joel Kim Booster, Simon Amstel, Rosie Jones, me telling big Zoom about the scone-based pizza that I made, and then Bob Mortimer again.

Speaker 42 It's a Bob Mortimer bookend this section.

Speaker 52 But here's the thing I would like to introduce you to. Just remembered

Speaker 52 I made mashed potato from potato crisps, and it is really nice.

Speaker 25 Is it? Okay.

Speaker 52 It is really nice, yeah.

Speaker 54 Colour me and treat. How do you do it?

Speaker 52 Three packs of walkers, plain.

Speaker 55 Yeah. No, that's not your usual brand.

Speaker 56 Yeah, normally Seabrooks.

Speaker 52 Seabrooks would be if Seabrooks, that would just be too much. If you made mice potato with Seabrooks,

Speaker 52 honestly, you'd just be the king.

Speaker 52 Garments would be sold for you.

Speaker 58 Parades.

Speaker 52 So don't I and then I don't know how much, you know, like, I'm gonna say a centimetre of water, hardly any water, centimetre of water.

Speaker 52 Let it all break down into, and you'll suddenly say,

Speaker 52 this mashed potato form in here.

Speaker 53 And then, just because the colour's not great,

Speaker 61 it's a little bit yellowy, just put a little bit of cream in.

Speaker 57 Yeah. Stir that in.

Speaker 52 Delicious. And I kid you not, it really is nice.

Speaker 25 How close is it to actual mashed potatoes?

Speaker 12 Could you give it to someone and say there's some mashed potatoes?

Speaker 17 Yeah, and they would not.

Speaker 62 They wouldn't know. They wouldn't notice the difference.

Speaker 52 They would think it's quirky mashed potato, but they'd certainly think it was potato-based mush. So, there you go.
There's that's like a tip in it.

Speaker 63 That's a good tip. Yeah, that's a good tip.

Speaker 65 Uh, make some I mean, hopefully, some listeners will try that

Speaker 66 and can let us know how it goes for them.

Speaker 7 It's really nice.

Speaker 52 And the other one is: do you like tips or no?

Speaker 67 Yeah, love tips.

Speaker 21 Yeah, don't worry, man.

Speaker 52 The other one is on the last days of gone fishing, I did corn on the cob,

Speaker 52 yeah, and then you get a pack of what's it's crush it to a fine powder, and then roll the corn in the what's-it dust.

Speaker 14 I like this.

Speaker 66 No, this sounds nice.

Speaker 66 That sounds very nice.

Speaker 27 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 27 I would.

Speaker 53 It does well, it's really nice.

Speaker 71 Have you ever tried What's It Mash?

Speaker 72 With bits of corn niblets in it.

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 52 And you could give that a name, couldn't you?

Speaker 74 Yeah, you could name that.

Speaker 52 You could name that, couldn't you?

Speaker 59 I think you could come up with a name for it immediately.

Speaker 52 You could. Truncheon or something? Yeah.

Speaker 21 Yeah. Or just knock us up some truncheon.

Speaker 59 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 30 Pop it ups or bread. Poppetobs or bread, Mayachiwaba.

Speaker 75 Pop it ups or bread.

Speaker 76 Do you know what?

Speaker 14 I'm gonna say bread.

Speaker 77 I'm gonna say it for two reasons. Number one, I had a traumatic experience with poppa dums where my dad tried

Speaker 43 there's a pattern here. My dad's a cook, right?

Speaker 77 He's a Zimbabwean guy. Zimbabwean food is alright.
You know what I mean? Like if you go to Italy, you get pasta, da-da-da-da. Go to Spain, you get paella.

Speaker 77 In Zimbabwe, the main dish is kind of like this big lump of maize.

Speaker 77 which you put with a bit of vegetables, a bit of meat. It can taste nice, but you know,

Speaker 77 it's not the kind of height of of culinary perfection. So, anyway, my dad one day said, I'm gonna make a curry.

Speaker 79 Now,

Speaker 77 I mean, the curry itself was basically just chunks of meat floating around in like a brown liquid.

Speaker 77 But my dad had obviously seen pop-a-doms before, but just didn't know where do you get them, how do you make them.

Speaker 82 So, when I sit down for this curry now,

Speaker 77 there's just a bowl of quavers in the middle of the table

Speaker 77 and uh just cheesy quavers with this sort of meaty gloop.

Speaker 14 That was enough to put me off of poppa dums for life.

Speaker 42 Had he made the quavers or did he buy them?

Speaker 14 Just a packet of quavers and put them in the... He just bought them.

Speaker 31 Just bought them.

Speaker 31 I mean, I obviously love that.

Speaker 1 And I love that it's put you off poppa dumbs.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 31 Even though it was just a bowl of quavers.

Speaker 77 Yeah, but just the sensation of this cheesy taste with this curry is just, I don't want to know what a real Pop of Dumb tastes tastes like now.

Speaker 4 Sure, it's been putting your head.

Speaker 14 Was it something for years that would get bought up a lot at the time?

Speaker 28 The quavers, or was your dad quite sensitive about it, didn't want to hear it, didn't want to be made fun of?

Speaker 77 No, he's very sensitive about that.

Speaker 77 He was convinced that he would go into Dragon's Den with these,

Speaker 77 basically, you know, this white stuff I told you, this sadza, which is like this ball of maize.

Speaker 77 He thought that he had come up with this idea where if you put the pan onto like a searingly hot heat and it starts to burn the outside, that he'd created sort of like a maizey Maltese and he was like no guys trust me this is going to take us on dragon's den and it's going to be amazing like don't tell anyone about this don't tell anyone about sadza balls I was like I'm not gonna dad don't worry

Speaker 47 so a lot of my you know a lot of my cooking my cooking anxiety comes from my dad for sure Sally what was his idea was that he would get a ball of maize put it in a searing hot pan and burn the outside of it and that was the product of making Maltese that's the product

Speaker 77 because you're not used to having crispy sadza

Speaker 77 so it was the fact that something that we've grown up knowing as soft is suddenly now crispy yes so no one was doing that yeah sadza ball so he'd really reinvented the sadza wheel but it's the fact that

Speaker 47 so i kind of don't mind the fact he's come up with that and called him sadzaballs i think that's great but what what i like is that he thinks he can take it on dragon's den

Speaker 85 it's not a product it's not it's not it's something that anyone could do at home So it's just an idea that here's a suggestion.

Speaker 14 Why not get your Sadza ball and put it on the serving hot heat and burn it all the way around so it's grizzly?

Speaker 46 But he's gone, I can sell this.

Speaker 85 But he's just selling a suggestion to people.

Speaker 20 Yeah, like any good businessman would.

Speaker 46 Sure.

Speaker 1 Presumably on Dragon's Den, he'd be explaining to them what Sadza is to start with, right? So they'd have to get over that hurdle. And then he'd have to go, but imagine it different.

Speaker 14 Imagine this thing you've never heard of different.

Speaker 77 Okay, you're not bought into it. I can see, how about a pop-adon?

Speaker 31 Yeah, I'm bringing the quavers.

Speaker 31 A packet of quavers that I bought from the shop on the way here.

Speaker 87 Here's my idea.

Speaker 14 Give someone a packet of quavers and call them pop-a-dums.

Speaker 10 That's my little idea. Who's it?

Speaker 97 You know, that sort of time, like at about sort of eight o'clock in the evening, and it's like, oh, gorgeous.

Speaker 97 You're a bit sunburned, and everyone's like walking down to the restaurant, one's chatting. That's a bit of a vibe.
That's the next bit.

Speaker 18 That walk is nice. Are you taking a drink with you for the walk?

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 97 Yeah. We call it a bot for the germ.

Speaker 98 What? So it's a

Speaker 16 A bot for the journal?

Speaker 1 I know James so well now that when I hear something I know he's gonna he's gonna absolutely love it and it's all he's gonna want to talk about.

Speaker 2 A bot for the journal James.

Speaker 41 A bot for the journal.

Speaker 97 I mean

Speaker 32 I'll tell you what you wouldn't want to see on a bot for the journal.

Speaker 39 A bot that is on a journal.

Speaker 100 You would not want to see a...

Speaker 1 A bot.

Speaker 1 That's something I'm using that. I'm using bot for the journal.

Speaker 97 Yeah, absolutely. We're like, should we get take a little bot for the journal?

Speaker 47 Who started saying that?

Speaker 18 Yeah. When did it become a thing that you all say that to each other?

Speaker 97 Me and my mates, we started saying this like 10 years ago when we started going out, like to actually know it must have been longer now.

Speaker 97 Basically, when we started going out clubbing, you know, we created Bot for the German because on the way in the taxi with all the screaming going on, you need a pissy bottle of cheap wine, you know, to be drinking on the way.

Speaker 97 It's now not a bottle of pissy cheap, it would be something nice that we have now. But yeah, that's where it came from.
Bot for the germ, you know, piling in a cab and all kind of

Speaker 97 like a gaggle.

Speaker 92 But you're saying on holiday, this is a walk, right?

Speaker 1 A walk from the balcony to the restaurant. Yeah, how long is the walk, the journey that you need a whole bot?

Speaker 97 Well, to be honest, now it's it's not really now a bottle, it's it can just be like a little plastic cup of something that you've been drinking. But because bot for the journey, it's just evolved.

Speaker 97 It's still called bot for the journey, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to have a bottle, it just means a drink for the journey.

Speaker 5 Nothing else works.

Speaker 104 I've gone through all the different options in my head, nothing works

Speaker 1 for the journey, glass for the journey doesn't work.

Speaker 10 Everybody else is like one syllable.

Speaker 105 Glass, cup, mug.

Speaker 28 So you just have to go bot for the journey.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 94 Because

Speaker 14 it's the only one you can shorten anyway.

Speaker 97 And it's lovely. So now, so walking down to the to a restaurant with a drink in hand, with your bot for the journey.

Speaker 97 B for the J, sometimes we've shortened it to.

Speaker 70 Yeah, well, that's going to get confusing.

Speaker 106 So don't start going.

Speaker 10 Anyone over here in that, that girls with their family.

Speaker 97 What's so funny, though, is that we've been using it for so long now. Like my mum and like my aunts and everyone say it as well.

Speaker 97 But we now say it very seriously because there's no irony to it anymore. We're saying it very seriously.
We go, have you got a pot for the journey? Okay.

Speaker 97 So like when you sort of hear like mum or like my auntie Amy saying going, darling, have you got a pot for the journey?

Speaker 89 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 62 We've heard about your mum and your auntie Amy before.

Speaker 63 And it does not surprise me that they have adopted the drinking slang of you and your uni buddies.

Speaker 32 You and your uni mates.

Speaker 97 It's just a very normal thing we say now.

Speaker 97 Mum will go, love,

Speaker 97 love, love, love. Have you got a pop for the journey?

Speaker 48 Yeah, yep, got it. Right.

Speaker 25 And then we walk to the restaurant.

Speaker 1 Your sister goes on the walk with a full lasagna under her arms.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 5 You got a las for the journey.

Speaker 97 Our other meal, our other uh meal that Auntie Amy cooks us, las and sal. So we call it las and sal, which is like Sunday lasagna and salad that we love.

Speaker 97 And so if we're having like a las and sal day at Auntie Amy's,

Speaker 97 we know that's going to be a big old piss-up as well.

Speaker 104 A lasie sundae.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 97 It used to be the pasta piss-up and then it changed to she started making these really nice lasagnas. And now we call it the las and sal, like after a bit of las and sale.

Speaker 97 Like when you, you know, when you're having las and sal at Auntie Amy's, it's going to go off.

Speaker 23 But it used to be called a pasta piss-up, just to be clear.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 73 Yeah, the pasta pizza.

Speaker 97 The great British pasta piss-up.

Speaker 65 And now your mum always checks that you've got a bot for the gern, the way that most people's mothers check if they've got their keys or something like that.

Speaker 10 Yeah. Got your bot for the gern, darling.

Speaker 110 To be honest, I'm normally stratting for the gin and tonics. I have a little glass of water on the side, but it's mainly a gin and tonic kind of affair, isn't it? When you eat out.

Speaker 93 Well, we can do that.

Speaker 111 If you want a gin and tonic straight away, we can do that for you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's chuck the water out the window. We can get a gin and tonic.
Well, I'd imagine you're a very well-hydrated man, anyway, so we can just tuck straight into the gin if you want.

Speaker 14 You wouldn't give a merman a glass of water when he's just got out of the water

Speaker 30 and been under there for ages.

Speaker 110 A gin and tonic would be a nice little kicker just to liven me up a little bit, but that's not my main drink. I'm saving my main drink for later, yeah? That's fine.

Speaker 1 You can have the gin and tonic instead of the water.

Speaker 81 Looks like water anyway.

Speaker 112 No one will know the difference. Yeah.

Speaker 10 Speaking of slices of lemon, though, you know what I think is one of the most beautiful things, and not enough people appreciate how beautiful it looks, is a wedge of lemon that's been cut the wedge and then left in the fridge.

Speaker 63 And I love how it then goes over time and it just looks like a perfect, like a sculpture.

Speaker 30 The way that the skin goes, the membrane over the fruit, and it just

Speaker 109 adopts a kind of like sheen to it. It looks so immaculate and perfect.

Speaker 41 I don't know. Well, that rotten lemon.

Speaker 1 Yeah, thank you, Joe. I mean, I know me and Joe were thinking exactly the same thing when you were describing that.
You're talking about an old lemon.

Speaker 103 No, no.

Speaker 1 You're talking about like, it's the same as saying, oh, I'd love to leave a bit of cheese out and wait until it gets that beautiful green colour on it.

Speaker 88 I'd love to leave a bit of cheese out. It's the same thing.

Speaker 15 But like, this looks beautiful, though.

Speaker 10 You know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 91 No, it doesn't look beautiful.

Speaker 63 I'm not talking about a moldy lemon.

Speaker 110 A lemon, really. I sort of get him.
I use it straight away, so I wouldn't, I haven't really observed one over a few days, but I have a look.

Speaker 31 I like, not a few days.

Speaker 18 Not a few days, I mean.

Speaker 110 I'll do a test in my next one.

Speaker 15 I'm not leaving for a few days, but maybe a while.

Speaker 34 I know.

Speaker 1 Maybe a day. That sounds like it's going to be a very disappointing live stream for you, Joe.

Speaker 1 People tuning in, expecting another workout, and you're going, today we're going to observe a lemon over a few days.

Speaker 110 You've got a time-lapse, haven't you, really? Yeah. You've got a time-lapse, that one.

Speaker 30 Gin and tonic, what your measures in there?

Speaker 43 I'm normally a two-for-one, double, like a double.

Speaker 110 I've got a little gin collection at the moment. I'm obsessed with like flavoured gin.
So

Speaker 110 I normally, to be honest, I free pour most of my drinks, but I normally have a little double shot with like one Mediterranean fever tree tonic.

Speaker 110 and then I like a bit of fruit so put a few raspberries or blueberries or something in it just so it's a little bit of a fruit salad at the end like that and my kids come up to me like always trying to get the the gin infused raspberries off me and they're only like two i'm like you can't have my gin infused raspberries all right i have one

Speaker 31 let's have one see how you react

Speaker 110 that went badly okay fine do you want to see my little gin bar yes please so i moved into this house in um in july last year and that the previous owners had had a bar built and i mean i would never build a bar in my house right but i thought i'm keeping that so i've got loads of gin over there there.

Speaker 110 I've got my own little gin bar. See my little gin bar.

Speaker 103 Oh, amazing.

Speaker 10 That's a proper bar. That's a proper bar.

Speaker 110 And I haven't been able to have any like family and friends over because we've not been able to, obviously, because of the restrictions, I can't wait to like get my friends around and have a proper

Speaker 110 little party and a little gin cocktail and stuff.

Speaker 110 But yeah, it's a nice thing to have because it's a social room, but we don't really come in here because it's now where I listen to and record my podcast, believe it or not.

Speaker 1 Quite tricky to sit at a bar in your house by yourself. Must be quite a sort of sad, bleak feeling, I'd imagine.

Speaker 110 Yeah, I do come in here and pour one.

Speaker 110 so my my little daughter indie she's so funny she basically thinks she's having a gin and tonic she calls it a gin ton she says can we have a gin ton daddy and i bring her in and we i pretend to pour the gin and then i put a little bit of tonic water in her in her cup and i put some ice and some berries into she really just loves the berries and the flavor of the tonic but she's obsessed and she said the other day it's so funny we did some face paint and we painted painted our faces and it was really early it was only like four o'clock and obviously i normally have my gins like in the evening so we have like one a night sort of thing and she went oh daddy daddy can we have an early gin ton and it's the way she said it she was so excited.

Speaker 110 So, we cracked up laughing. And now we call it an early gin ton if we have it before like five o'clock.

Speaker 10 Um,

Speaker 110 I've got like pink grapefruit one and mango and rhubarb. There's so many different flavours, but gin, I never used to touch gin, I was literally like vodka and lemonade or vodka and coke.

Speaker 110 And now, like, as an as I've grown up, I just love gin now, I think it's wonderful.

Speaker 23 Also, she's probably acting like an adult when they discover gin, just asking for it all the time, and then eventually being like, Can we have an early one?

Speaker 69 Let's have an early one.

Speaker 31 Let's do that.

Speaker 110 Come on, come on, yeah, she and she went to school, she went to nursery and said, Oh, me and daddy make a gin ton in the bar.

Speaker 110 And then they're like, I said to nursery, she said, it's only a tonic she's having, but she thinks it's keep playing it up, keep it up. We're telling her it's a gin ton.

Speaker 1 That's so funny. I had to write a story when I was a kid at school.
And for some reason, I chose a story where it was someone digging up treasure on an island.

Speaker 1 And they kept finding just instead of the treasure, chests full of like empty vodka bottles and then empty gin bottles and then empty whiskey bottles. And I told my mum and she was like,

Speaker 93 what are you doing? They're going to think I'm a massive alcoholic.

Speaker 1 Like clearly everything at home was just clinking empty spirit bottles.

Speaker 18 Standard.

Speaker 110 Pirates love to drink, didn't they? They were always boozy, weren't they? The pirates. It was one of their just their used to swap alcohol for like guns and stuff, didn't they?

Speaker 93 Yeah.

Speaker 14 And my mum's a boozy pirate. No rum bottles there.
No.

Speaker 46 So, you know, already.

Speaker 14 The teacher's ruling out that.

Speaker 10 It's a calming pirates.

Speaker 63 There's no rum bottles.

Speaker 42 It's clearly.

Speaker 113 Mrs. Gamble, that's a problem.

Speaker 115 I don't like enjoy food anymore.

Speaker 116 Like, I don't really, like, eat it to enjoy it.

Speaker 116 I do a lot of, like, it's very utilitarian. My view on food now is very utilitarian.

Speaker 63 Like I blend a lot of chicken just to get it in my body quickly because I'm very like

Speaker 116 I have a certain amount of calories I need to hit in a day and like I have so much time and so I'll just throw two chicken breasts in a blender with some water, blend it up and then I can eat two chicken breasts in like 90 seconds.

Speaker 98 It's amazing.

Speaker 117 When you said this is going to be the shittiest episode, I was like, no way.

Speaker 118 And then you blended the chicken breasts.

Speaker 34 I was like, he's right.

Speaker 119 This guy doesn't even eat food.

Speaker 116 There's a, I post sometimes I'll post a video of it on Instagram and I'll just shed like a hundred followers.

Speaker 25 Of course.

Speaker 120 Everyone is so upset.

Speaker 54 It's like you've moved into an old people's home early.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 75 Yeah. Well, that's actually where I got the idea from.

Speaker 111 Oh, yeah, of course.

Speaker 116 No, because my grandma was in hospice care for so long and we're blending her food.

Speaker 57 And I was like, well, that sounds actually quite smart.

Speaker 63 All those old people are rich.

Speaker 25 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 How good they're all looking.

Speaker 35 Not in a hospice.

Speaker 59 Hospice is really sexy.

Speaker 117 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Okay, so we've sort of, we've got an idea of the sort of thing.

Speaker 75 Do you even season the chicken breasts?

Speaker 122 Is it just like you can do it?

Speaker 116 Sometimes I'll, like, if I get it from, like, a restaurant, it'll come seasoned.

Speaker 116 But sometimes I'll just throw two chicken breasts in a microwave for a couple of minutes until it's cooked and then throw it in the blender.

Speaker 54 It's microwave blend. It's microwave.

Speaker 25 Microwave chicken breasts.

Speaker 63 Yeah, I just need it to be cooked.

Speaker 116 And then throw it in the blender. And then sometimes if I'm low on like the amount of calories I need to get, I will put olive oil in the water mixture with the chicken.

Speaker 116 And that, I guess, is sort of seasoning it in a way. Well, not seasoning it, but it adds a little bit of flavor.

Speaker 124 I think this is the one because it's the easiest because I can just stay at home for it.

Speaker 124 It's pasta with grilled aubergine, spinach, pine nuts toasted, walnuts toasted, and pesto.

Speaker 114 That sounds very nice.

Speaker 1 And is this right at home? Is this something that you make?

Speaker 71 That's just, I'm just making that.

Speaker 10 And so that's no problem for anyone.

Speaker 14 Talk us through it, because people people are going to want to make this at home themselves.

Speaker 9 Oh, okay.

Speaker 114 If this is your dream meal and it's something you can just make at home, I reckon people would appreciate the Yamstell pasta.

Speaker 10 Well, I don't know if it's that complicated, but I'm sure let's see if I can.

Speaker 124 I mean, I feel like

Speaker 124 as I explained it, people might go, yeah, pasta.

Speaker 31 You just make pasta.

Speaker 124 But yeah, you get some pasta from a packet.

Speaker 91 What kind of pasta?

Speaker 124 Well, I think there's a brand called Garofolo. I think we have that.
And so you put some of that in a boiling saucepan.

Speaker 31 What shape is Garofalo?

Speaker 124 Ah, Fuzzili.

Speaker 124 So you put that in the boiling water for as long as it says on the packet.

Speaker 35 Or a minute less.

Speaker 124 That would be my tip. A minute less.

Speaker 48 Great tip.

Speaker 124 And meanwhile, while that's going on, you want to get the pesto out of the fridge or cupboard, wherever it is.

Speaker 91 Green pesto?

Speaker 124 Sackler vegan green pesto. Yeah.

Speaker 71 And then delicious.

Speaker 10 Delicious. Oh, I love it.

Speaker 124 And then after you've done that, you want to get out a frying pan and you want to toast some walnuts and pinuts. Yes.

Speaker 124 And while they're going on, you might want to add some spinach into the boiling water so that wilts nicely.

Speaker 5 Into the boiling water.

Speaker 31 Water with the pasta.

Speaker 125 Yeah, straight in.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 34 See, this is a sort of, I'm glad we asked you how to do it now because that's the sort of tip that I would never have thought of.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 126 Straight in.

Speaker 6 And how much, because like, it's quite satisfying putting loads of spinach in something and watching it shrink.

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 14 Um, you got like a basketball's worth

Speaker 31 of spinach? Uh,

Speaker 124 what's somewhere in between a tennis ball and a basketball?

Speaker 10 What would that ball be?

Speaker 14 A bowling ball?

Speaker 25 Yeah, bowling ball.

Speaker 124 A bowling ball of spinach.

Speaker 59 There we go.

Speaker 124 And then, I suppose you're just playing the waiting game. And then when it's one minute less than it says in the packet,

Speaker 124 you get your collend around.

Speaker 124 And then, I mean, this is

Speaker 124 very obvious.

Speaker 10 No, it's not no, it's not obvious.

Speaker 42 You put spinach in the boiling water,

Speaker 79 are you joking?

Speaker 124 Alright, well so you pour then you pour everything, the spinach and the pasta, into the colander, give that a shake, get rid of any excess water.

Speaker 124 Oh, I haven't mentioned that I grilled the aubergine during the.

Speaker 86 This is what I was thinking when's the aubergine's coming into play?

Speaker 10 Sorry.

Speaker 124 Before I even boiled the pasta, there were some aubergines chopped into nice circles, no more than than like a centimetre thick, if that.

Speaker 124 And they're spread out on the baking tray, a little bit of olive oil, a little bit of pepper. They go into

Speaker 124 the oven, and maybe

Speaker 124 grill if you haven't got much time,

Speaker 124 or oven if you have more time. And then, hopefully the timing is good.
And then, so you've got your pasta, all the water's gone, and then you put the pasta back in the saucepan.

Speaker 124 You put the pesto in the saucepan you put the pine nuts and the walnuts in the saucepan you put the

Speaker 124 what do they what do they make the auber sheet you put the auber sheet in the saucepan yeah and then you mix it all together and you put it in a bowl or two or three or four depending on how many people are there and then you eat it I think that sounds great.

Speaker 10 That sounds really good.

Speaker 93 Do it.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 124 What they never say at the end of recipes in books is, and now you eat it.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's amazing how often I forget that bit.

Speaker 1 Prepare all that stuff and i look for the last bit and it doesn't tell me to eat it straight in the bin there you go i feel exhausted now i kind of don't know how those chefs do it uh

Speaker 2 it's amazing how often are you making the grilled aubergine pasta with pesto and walnuts and pine nuts just this once a week that i'm gonna do it tonight do it I've decided.

Speaker 62 Wow, I've really started something here.

Speaker 10 I'm gonna do it.

Speaker 47 I'm gonna go to the shop after this, get the ingredients.

Speaker 45 That's what I'm having for dinner.

Speaker 1 James is on the lookout for a new pasta dish because him and his girlfriend got quite into making a different pasta dish.

Speaker 1 And I saw them the other day and I mentioned the pasta dish and they both looked really tired when it came up because they've clearly been eating it far too much.

Speaker 14 We love it, but we are ashamed of how much we've been eating it all the time.

Speaker 128 Let's get on to your starter, Rosie.

Speaker 42 How messy is this?

Speaker 129 Actually,

Speaker 129 not messy at all.

Speaker 129 I think you're gonna

Speaker 129 hate me

Speaker 129 because

Speaker 73 I need to warn you

Speaker 129 that I won't be here for about 12 hours

Speaker 129 because

Speaker 129 I like

Speaker 129 eating

Speaker 129 slowly.

Speaker 129 Surprise, surprise.

Speaker 109 I'd love if they brought back surprise, surprise when Rosie was the host.

Speaker 1 Oh, Rosie, please, if you could host a reboot of surprise, surprise, that is.

Speaker 133 Let's go.

Speaker 67 my

Speaker 73 god.

Speaker 73 But between

Speaker 73 the first surprise and the second surprise,

Speaker 48 everyone will get

Speaker 129 the surprise.

Speaker 129 So my

Speaker 132 starter,

Speaker 132 um,

Speaker 129 I think it'll take me about

Speaker 102 three hours to eat

Speaker 129 and it's just

Speaker 129 crush

Speaker 129 your talking

Speaker 129 toy glass.

Speaker 132 Fucking gush.

Speaker 2 You just have poppa dumps.

Speaker 1 Also, Rosie,

Speaker 1 we started this interview by you saying, oh my god, I love food, I'm such a foodie.

Speaker 105 And your starter is, and I, and I quote, just crisps.

Speaker 31 Just crisps.

Speaker 129 But Lee, I don't think you want to stand

Speaker 129 your love.

Speaker 18 Okay, sorry, take us through again.

Speaker 126 Okay.

Speaker 129 Toy goods.

Speaker 129 Fringers,

Speaker 129 bacon ratches, then little

Speaker 102 onion rings,

Speaker 129 so and finished sticks.

Speaker 102 I want peanuts as well,

Speaker 132 peanut nuts,

Speaker 129 cushion,

Speaker 129 I want then cheese,

Speaker 129 straws,

Speaker 67 oh, I want hula,

Speaker 129 I want derito

Speaker 129 of every

Speaker 129 flavor.

Speaker 129 I want nip maps,

Speaker 129 but I will need a barbecue

Speaker 129 rib

Speaker 129 version.

Speaker 129 I want the crinkly

Speaker 129 mini cheddars.

Speaker 129 I don't want walkers

Speaker 129 because I feel like I can get walkers

Speaker 102 anywhere.

Speaker 14 You can sure any of those things you've said anywhere.

Speaker 1 Every single thing you've said, you can get in the same shop. You can get the walkers.

Speaker 109 Yeah, you're not travelling to Calais for the rest of the mile.

Speaker 87 You've just ordered a load of bar stacks, Rosie.

Speaker 1 This is now, you know, you did the move earlier. This is now the four-year-old girl demanding what Chris she wants at her princess party.

Speaker 1 But what is

Speaker 1 more about

Speaker 129 the

Speaker 129 infant moment and just

Speaker 129 the fact that I'm there

Speaker 129 and grazing and eating

Speaker 129 and having all my favorite snacks in one

Speaker 129 place.

Speaker 129 Whoa,

Speaker 129 what would that?

Speaker 14 Do you want it all in one big bowl, Rosie, or do you want it in separate bowls?

Speaker 92 No,

Speaker 129 I want to be.

Speaker 129 Oh, wait, did I say pretzels?

Speaker 25 No, I don't.

Speaker 46 I mean, you said everything else, but yeah, yeah, maybe

Speaker 31 you missed out pretzels.

Speaker 63 I think you missed out pretzels and pork scratchings, and that was it.

Speaker 34 No,

Speaker 129 Jim, Jim Bob, I don't want

Speaker 73 porch scratchings.

Speaker 129 I want pretzels.

Speaker 129 I want to be in control of

Speaker 129 where I dip.

Speaker 129 so

Speaker 136 now

Speaker 129 in one bowl you're gonna get the

Speaker 129 cheesy deritos

Speaker 129 on the toy draw more monsters cheesy toy dragos actually it sounds quite nice now you've said that Melted cheese and Marmite

Speaker 56 cheese and marmite yeah

Speaker 1 I imagine you rosie with like 50 bowls all lined lined up in front of you on the table, and you're dipping in and going back and forth really quickly.

Speaker 1 Uh, and it's like you know, when you see people with loads of glasses with different amounts of water in, and they play it like an orchestra. I see you playing the snacks like a water glass orchestra.

Speaker 129 Yes,

Speaker 129 see,

Speaker 129 this is also

Speaker 129 a question

Speaker 129 because

Speaker 129 I hope

Speaker 129 that in your restaurant you're able to provide me

Speaker 137 with a table

Speaker 129 that looks a bit like a donut.

Speaker 129 So, ideally,

Speaker 129 I want to sit

Speaker 129 in the middle and have a table

Speaker 139 surrounding me.

Speaker 129 So, I get three

Speaker 129 sixty

Speaker 48 swimble

Speaker 48 so I'm like

Speaker 129 toy got that so

Speaker 129 toy oh what sits have I

Speaker 129 watch it no you didn't say what's it then what's it shall behind to me

Speaker 129 and I got

Speaker 129 every pringo

Speaker 129 lined up

Speaker 95 in front

Speaker 7 Do you want the table to rotate like a lazy Susan around you, or do you want to spin round on your chair in the middle?

Speaker 6 Or do you want both to spin round and you see what happens?

Speaker 140 Oh my god, please again, the table rotate.

Speaker 1 Do you want to be in charge of how the table rotates, or do you want it sort of slowly going round so you can just like pick as it goes round, a bit like a Yosushi belt converter belt?

Speaker 37 No, no, Ed.

Speaker 37 I

Speaker 129 how do you not know this

Speaker 73 about me?

Speaker 133 I need

Speaker 129 to be in control.

Speaker 48 I need to control

Speaker 129 every little detail

Speaker 129 of one hour

Speaker 129 the table

Speaker 129 rotates.

Speaker 13 Yes.

Speaker 129 And please,

Speaker 129 please, about

Speaker 129 every 20 minutes,

Speaker 129 you'll surprise me

Speaker 129 with a different

Speaker 129 snack.

Speaker 129 So I'm always

Speaker 129 excited.

Speaker 9 Did you say quavers?

Speaker 23 Did you mention quavers?

Speaker 73 I

Speaker 73 mentioned the quaver,

Speaker 73 but

Speaker 129 bring the quavers,

Speaker 129 but I need cheese.

Speaker 67 Don't bring me that prom cocktail shit.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 1 Now, I'll be honest with you, Rosie, this doesn't, this is not my sort of starter.

Speaker 24 I like nuts. I like the nuts element.
That's great.

Speaker 1 I think I might be a bit of a crisp snob, you know.

Speaker 1 I don't like quavers, Watsits, Twiglets,

Speaker 30 the chipsticks.

Speaker 1 I don't like any of that. I like proper, like, my favourite crisps here, Rosie, are Torres black truffle potato crisps.

Speaker 129 Oh, for crows.

Speaker 2 They are phenomenal.

Speaker 10 Have you had them?

Speaker 129 No, break out. I'm not over 10 kitchen brick.

Speaker 23 I made my first pizza the other day.

Speaker 142 Did you?

Speaker 142 What's on the pizza?

Speaker 63 What was on it?

Speaker 39 Obviously tomato sauce, cheddar cheese, little bacon bits, cut up pepper.

Speaker 85 What are you looking at?

Speaker 40 This sounds rubbish.

Speaker 31 I don't know.

Speaker 5 Bacon on a pizza is shit, anyway.

Speaker 5 You said cheddar.

Speaker 1 For a start,

Speaker 31 bacon, cheddar, bacon bits. What?

Speaker 5 Pepper? What are you talking about?

Speaker 40 Use cheddar, cheddar and bacon. What?

Speaker 142 What are you talking about? He's not respecting your pizza, Cassie. He's not really in your pizza.

Speaker 47 He's really disrespecting it, actually.

Speaker 40 Why are you using cheddar?

Speaker 5 Cheese on toast.

Speaker 31 My mate told me.

Speaker 94 I'm doing my cook-along with my mum and she tells me the ingredients and I'll go out and get them.

Speaker 1 Very authentic, then, if it came from Nona Ray Caster.

Speaker 18 Yes, that is her name.

Speaker 31 And

Speaker 9 it was a scon-based pizza as well.

Speaker 100 It tasted good, man.

Speaker 83 I don't know why you're laughing so much.

Speaker 40 It's not a pizza.

Speaker 5 You've made a cheese scone.

Speaker 63 Maybe a cheese scone.

Speaker 1 What do you mean it was a scon-based pizza?

Speaker 105 Well, that's what she told me.

Speaker 47 She's had this recipe for ages.

Speaker 105 I've had it my whole life. Have you?

Speaker 1 That's one she used to do at home. I'm sorry for disrespecting your memories, James, but it's not a pizza, mate.

Speaker 6 Well, I made it real nice.

Speaker 49 How did you make it?

Speaker 42 I made scon base, rolled it out, put it in the

Speaker 59 tray,

Speaker 18 then covered that with the passata,

Speaker 42 brushed that over, put the cheese over, then put all the toppings over.

Speaker 39 I'll put anchovies on mine as well, on my half, more cheese on the top, more cheddar cheese, put it in the oven, bought it out, and I ate my scon base pizza.

Speaker 9 I was very proud of myself.

Speaker 84 I thought it's going to be great.

Speaker 18 I'm going to impress Bring Zoo when I tell him this.

Speaker 10 I didn't know I was going to get such an absolute dressing down.

Speaker 108 I mean, you know, I respect your pizza baking, you know. Like, better, like, it's not sounding very.
I don't know what's a scon-based pizza.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm still in the dark about a scum-based pizza as well.

Speaker 105 Like in Napoli.

Speaker 108 Like, use the stone that you put in the oven to make the base cook.

Speaker 32 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 39 You don't need that for scum-based.

Speaker 31 You just, uh, you just.

Speaker 39 It's uh, what was in the scon-based?

Speaker 36 Butter, self-raising flour.

Speaker 104 It was a scone, scon. It was a scone.

Speaker 17 Baking powder, cheese,

Speaker 14 a little bit of salt.

Speaker 39 And I rolled that all up together and then rolled it out with my rolling pin.

Speaker 108 No yeast, nothing.

Speaker 65 It's a scon-based pizza.

Speaker 12 So you made a big scon and you put cheese and tomato and bacon on top of it.

Speaker 16 Guilty, Your Honor.

Speaker 1 Zoo, I made a lasagna the other day. First thing you do is you put blueberry muffins in the bottom of the tray

Speaker 1 and then you pour over the tomato and then you put the bacon in and the cheddar cheese and then you put loads of Twix bars on the tops.

Speaker 5 Delicious. Proper lasagna.

Speaker 47 Well, I mean, you know, you've made yourself look stupid there because clearly I would love to eat that.

Speaker 31 So it's not like.

Speaker 52 Is this true? The nearest to a meal you can have is the boost bar. It's got a real density to it.

Speaker 57 It's got a little bit of a real density. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 57 Have you seen the boosts that are like about that long? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 25 What are they thinking? Yeah.

Speaker 52 I mean, that's binding people, innit?

Speaker 52 It literally is. It's taking a workforce down.

Speaker 65 Is it even a duo? It's not a duo.

Speaker 25 Well, how do we fix the bar?

Speaker 52 I think, James, it's a great big boost, yeah, for adults only, 18.

Speaker 74 If you kind of like had them baguette for a rollover hot dog and did the spike, do you think you could fit that boost in there and it's gonna be poking out the top?

Speaker 52 My instinct is it would be perfect.

Speaker 57 It would be absolutely, what do you call that, flush at the end of the roll.

Speaker 52 And you'd be onto something and they'd be franchised.

Speaker 52 and you'd be on a yacht smoking cigars, probably with a pet ape.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 63 You know, know all they need to do is lob a boost and could work you know yeah work if that boost is uh to quote you taking down a workforce yeah what's a boost and a baguette gonna do

Speaker 27 it's gonna bring all the vehicles down in it it's gonna clog their engines everything

Speaker 1 thanks Bob

Speaker 1 the boost baguette yes please flush have you tried the boost baguette yet James no I am going to at some point I do want to do it but it has to be with a rollover hot dog uh baguette yeah i've i've i've seen it and then the boost straight in it and it has to be flush so you know there's a lot of criteria to be met there so i don't know if i'm planning to find myself near a hot rollover hot dog stand in possession of a boost now james this next uh clips package is entitled characters we've got a fair few uh brilliant clips in here with their uh special comedy characters they've invented during during the podcast asim chowdry mary lin rice cubb tanya moore rafe spool paul shear not characters themselves, they're real people, but they did characters within the course of the podcast, James.

Speaker 1 Some of my favourite moments are when people break into character.

Speaker 29 I'm very excited about these.

Speaker 28 It's one character in particular who really warms my heart.

Speaker 1 I think the listeners really need to pay attention to this section and remember that the healthy old man should have a bigger place in off-menu lore.

Speaker 1 Yes, people should be making their own healthy old man merch, really.

Speaker 46 Yes, yeah.

Speaker 43 I love the healthy old man.

Speaker 145 But my drama teacher absolutely fucking hated me. Like, you know, one of those teachers that, like, if you breathe, you get a detention.

Speaker 63 You know what I mean?

Speaker 145 It's just like, she just didn't like the cut of my gym, and I didn't like the cut of her gym. And I remember one day in one lesson, my mate threw a rubber at her head, right?

Speaker 73 Classic.

Speaker 145 And she turned around and she, yeah.

Speaker 3 I remember I told this story in America once, and they thought I was talking about a condo.

Speaker 2 They're like, you thought this condom is.

Speaker 3 I was like, no, a rubber is an eraser, we call it.

Speaker 145 And she turned around, she saw it was me, and she just was fuming. It wasn't me.
But obviously, I'm no snitch. I'm not going to be like, it was him.

Speaker 22 Obviously, I took the rap for it.

Speaker 145 And she kicked me out of the drama class, right? This was GCSE as well. She kicked me out and she said, all right, Asim, she went, you need to earn your grade back.

Speaker 12 And I went, all right.

Speaker 145 She went, you need to come in on time. You need to dah, blah, blah.
And I went, I didn't. And I really tried hard for the next like six months.
I came in on time. I wasn't being naughty.

Speaker 22 I helped my group with their final production.

Speaker 145 This is where the poppadum bit.

Speaker 3 I was going to say, I wrote it.

Speaker 145 I directed it.

Speaker 145 I gave myself a tiny part because i thought you know i might not get graded here so it was called the poppadom father and it was a it was like it was like the asian version of the godfather and it was really

Speaker 145 it was really good like it was funny sweet it was about you know you can't put this thing on my daughter's wedding so he was eating poppadoms and you know it was ridiculous and it was like you know shooting going on and like lusty flying everywhere you know i went to school in house though so it was like you know very asian yeah and then at the end of it like i was like okay i think i've really done a good job here i hope i get a grade i hope i get a gcsc right even my whole group they wrote a letter to the teacher saying look we think asam's deserved it he's done great she still didn't grade me so i basically left school with a u in gcsc and then i quit any kind of drama acting for years because i thought oh i'm not good enough or it really disheartened me and then for years i didn't do anything i went into like you know like film and media and you know script writing and all behind the camera because it really knocked my confidence.

Speaker 145 And it's amazing, like, how powerful teachers can be. Like, a great teacher, you'll never forget, and a shit.

Speaker 22 And I still am not over there.

Speaker 3 Like, I still think she did me so wrong, you know?

Speaker 10 I'm the same, man.

Speaker 63 I've got a teacher like that.

Speaker 14 Every time I think about her, I get absolutely furious still.

Speaker 30 And you want to go up to her as an adult and say everything that you were mature enough to be able to, like, articulate when you were that age.

Speaker 38 Exactly, exactly.

Speaker 145 And I think deep down, like, you know, she's probably seen me and doing stuff and all that.

Speaker 63 I was very tempted to go up to after the BAFTA and being like, dear Lord.

Speaker 113 What a sad little line.

Speaker 145 You ruined my drama, GCSC, so you can have the money.

Speaker 35 No, I'm joking.

Speaker 3 I am kind of over it.

Speaker 81 But I know what you mean, Jay.

Speaker 145 I still get a little bit kind of frustrated and sad because I do think it's important. And I think teachers...
They should recognize, like, I was a good kid.

Speaker 81 I was a creative kid who clearly had a lot of good ideas.

Speaker 145 Okay, I might be a bit of a shit, but you need to get, like, they're kids. We're kids.
You know what I mean? Like, on the complete flip side, my English teacher, absolute fucking legend.

Speaker 145 He used to listen to my old rap songs and he used to like talk about hip-hop with me. You know, he would know when I'd come in thinking of weed.
He would be like, he would just always chat to me.

Speaker 145 And he's still my friend today. Till this day, we're still mates.
So that goes to show you. And he gave me all the confidence in the world to be a writer.

Speaker 145 English I loved and playing with the language and very nurturing as a, you know, I mean, as a teacher, that's what you're supposed to do.

Speaker 145 You're supposed to nurture these kids and give them a chance, man.

Speaker 145 And I was still a little dickhead, but, you know, so just the flip side and it goes to show you how important teaching is um it can change it could shape a kid's life you know i don't think we've ever had as uh open and in-depth and uh earnest and vulnerable answer to popadoms or bread ever

Speaker 1 and i i absolutely love that answer really lovely answer but i'll be honest as in the whole time you were talking there I wanted to ask more questions about the plot of the Popadom father.

Speaker 112 Yeah, yeah, I obviously want to know what happens in the Poppadom father.

Speaker 145 well i know that we um i remember when it started i did that but like in an indian i was like

Speaker 10 anyway the doubler came and

Speaker 62 it was amazing i'm telling you you come to the day of my door

Speaker 145 i remember we used to say axe when we were younger we used to say not ask we used to go axe me for this like when i was younger i used to say or something i don't know why it was i think it was like a class thing like you know like if you were working class and and foreign you would say aux and we also used to say uh uh crips instead of crips oh yeah when i was a kid i used to go um oh axe your mum for some cribs

Speaker 10 oh sorry

Speaker 89 and the w's and v's were all over the oh i really want sorn and winner oxy mum for some crips she won't give it to me but she'll give it to you oxa for crips and i we had all of that in the poppedum bar it was great it was was there the take on the horse's head in the bed thing did you like did you do your version of that no we didn't no we didn't get to we were i remember we were discussing that and it was going to be a the dog, a dog instead, but it was just we didn't really have the props for it.

Speaker 145 And then we wanted someone to play the dead dog. And this one guy was like, Oh, what? So I'm going to play the dead dog and have no lines.
He was like, He took it as a bit of a slap.

Speaker 63 So we just kind of left that bit.

Speaker 1 What part were you? You said you gave yourself a small part.

Speaker 146 Do you remember?

Speaker 145 I was a cleaner. I was just, I came in one scene and just sweeped up something and then left.

Speaker 5 And it wasn't even you that threw the rubber.

Speaker 1 This is what's really upsetting me about this.

Speaker 10 All of this was for no reason.

Speaker 5 Because it, who threw the rubber, Asim?

Speaker 32 It was my mate. It was my mate, Nick.

Speaker 145 Right. Okay, now we can say names.

Speaker 149 You know, sometimes people have those conversations about restaurants they go to. I don't have those.

Speaker 34 No.

Speaker 149 I don't have that kind of time.

Speaker 149 I don't have the space in my brain to log in and talk about what restaurants I've been to.

Speaker 79 I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 149 I'm going to go to 7-Eleven and I'm going to go to Maggiano's.

Speaker 128 When you say there's no space in your brain to log in and do that,

Speaker 4 what do you think is like taking up the space?

Speaker 34 What are you thinking about? Just more space.

Speaker 10 What are you thinking about?

Speaker 151 I think you know that.

Speaker 27 What are you thinking about instead that's like stopping you?

Speaker 82 I'm trying not to think about stuff.

Speaker 74 Right. You're trying to clear your mind as much as possible.

Speaker 149 I want to be involved in a religion that doesn't let women in.

Speaker 51 Pardon me?

Speaker 149 Like the guy who sits under the tree in meditation and he's like, I don't eat food.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 149 Women are stupid. I'm involved.
I want to be that guy.

Speaker 87 You want to be the man.

Speaker 149 Yeah, you're like, you ask him something like tangible that happens in every day and he's like, I don't know, man, I'm just all energy. Yeah, I'm one with the earth.

Speaker 54 But why does he hate women, that guy?

Speaker 149 Well, he doesn't hate them, he just sees them as subservient, right? And they just take care of everything while he sits under the tree and is evolved.

Speaker 1 So, you want to be that guy, yeah, right?

Speaker 12 But where does that leave you as a woman?

Speaker 34 I no longer exist, but you're the man in this scenario, correct?

Speaker 10 You would like to be a man who hates women,

Speaker 10 okay,

Speaker 149 not hates but sees them as subservient yes okay do you want to just do this just for the main course or for the remainder of the meal yep be this man you're so sweet you're giving me an out on this yeah you could you could you can just you can just be the man who hates women under the tree for the main course but also eat it eats bolognaise yeah you need to eat the bolognese yeah

Speaker 151 yeah I'm gonna be that guy for the main course.

Speaker 79 Okay, great.

Speaker 149 And then wait till you see what I'm gonna be for the next course.

Speaker 74 I want to get more of an idea of this man. So, like, can you be the man now?

Speaker 4 And I'm approaching you under the tree.

Speaker 79 Okay.

Speaker 138 And what's his name, first of all?

Speaker 34 Guru Dave.

Speaker 87 Guru Dave.

Speaker 27 Hello, Guru Dave.

Speaker 138 I've walked many miles to see you. I wondered if you could tell me.
I'm having such a lot of stress in my personal life at the minute. The washing machine broke and my socks are really wet.

Speaker 4 And I think I'm going to have to go and constantly top up the dryer.

Speaker 15 That's you.

Speaker 83 That's you.

Speaker 151 Stop.

Speaker 149 And then he takes his branch and whips you on the head. Thank you.
And if you keep talking, you get an eye poke.

Speaker 149 Then you're half blind.

Speaker 149 Then see how much you care about your socks and your bitching.

Speaker 98 Also,

Speaker 149 try going on a hunger strike for two days and then get back to me.

Speaker 143 You're eating bolognese.

Speaker 75 You've got your problems.

Speaker 119 You can't tell me what to go on a hunger strike.

Speaker 98 Don't pay attention to what I'm doing.

Speaker 83 Oh, yeah, yeah, bolognese. Do I eat bolognese?

Speaker 111 You don't know what I do.

Speaker 25 You got spaghetti hugging out of your mouth right now.

Speaker 149 I could have a spaghetti coming out of my nose. That doesn't mean I'm eating it.

Speaker 151 I barf it up after this, guys.

Speaker 38 Okay, Dave's got issues.

Speaker 151 how long do you want this so evolves but also has an eating disorder

Speaker 107 how long do you want the strands of spaghetti to be

Speaker 149 great question you're gonna answer it as marilyn or guru dave well guru dave one long string at a time that goes in his nasal passage all the way down and then goes out because he want he wants everything to be connected so he wants it hanging out of his nose and his butt at the same time and i'm afraid one end and it would hang out the other sorry but that's what he wants Is he gonna floss his whole body?

Speaker 151 It's a body floss.

Speaker 128 It goes in his nose, not his mouth.

Speaker 87 And I'm sorry about that.

Speaker 98 But that is what it is.

Speaker 110 Oh, you don't need to apologise.

Speaker 24 This is Guru Dave.

Speaker 25 Yeah. This is nothing new, Mary.

Speaker 122 This is how he cleanses his inside.

Speaker 31 With a big long piece of spaghetti.

Speaker 128 One long piece of spaghetti. Yeah.

Speaker 74 Which he inserts in his nose and not his mouth. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And do you want the sausage in there as well? You can get sausage in there.

Speaker 154 No sausage.

Speaker 38 No sausage?

Speaker 137 No meat. It's the fish boil.

Speaker 148 But it ruins it.

Speaker 155 No way.

Speaker 5 You want the full meal in there?

Speaker 1 The potato, the corn, the sausage, the prawns.

Speaker 156 Sausage is a savage.

Speaker 152 Sausage is savage.

Speaker 28 Trouble in paradise. You two are on the same page for a while there.

Speaker 23 Now sausage has divided you.

Speaker 157 It's always the way, though, isn't it?

Speaker 34 What do you think, right?

Speaker 89 You know who King Prawns?

Speaker 30 Let's just pretend for a while that, you know, king prawns are a civilization in their own right.

Speaker 45 If they have someone who's in charge, what would they call that person?

Speaker 14 That prawn, yeah, because they're all called king prawns. He's the prawn, that's just the prawn.

Speaker 93 So the king and the king prawn is just prawn.

Speaker 158 You don't even have to, you don't kick him, he's just prawn.

Speaker 1 So he's in charge because he's not a king.

Speaker 157 No, no, no. It's not that he's not a king, it's just that everybody else is king, king, king, king, king.

Speaker 97 So that's regular.

Speaker 155 Yeah. So he's different.
He's just prawn. See, he's the prawn.

Speaker 126 The prawn, the prawn.

Speaker 158 We have to have the prawn in there. Yeah.

Speaker 126 The prawn.

Speaker 158 There's lots of king prawns, but he's the prawn.

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Because originally you said prawn.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 160 No, I said the prawn.

Speaker 1 Well, we recorded it, Tanya, so.

Speaker 160 Let's go.

Speaker 85 You go, you go right, right, right, Matt.

Speaker 58 I agree. I agree that.

Speaker 10 I agree that

Speaker 16 the prawn makes more sense.

Speaker 14 But at one point, you said, he's just prawn.

Speaker 10 He's just prawn.

Speaker 14 And I love the thought of everyone just going, hey, prawn.

Speaker 89 I was calling him prawn.

Speaker 14 And everyone else is king prawn.

Speaker 46 Actually, I was saying the.

Speaker 10 The.

Speaker 22 The. King prawn.

Speaker 27 Is more commanding, isn't it?

Speaker 155 It is. The prawn.

Speaker 157 Because then everyone will start putting D-A and sal graffiti in it, and you don't want that.

Speaker 113 You don't want to be damned.

Speaker 157 Then there'll be a wrapper called the prawn wrapper, and you don't want that.

Speaker 130 I do. A wrapping prawn called the prawn wrapper.

Speaker 1 Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 158 What's he going to rap about, wanting a sausage?

Speaker 155 Yeah.

Speaker 14 Not being allowed to hang out in the jacuzzi with a sausage.

Speaker 1 The prawn wrapper, the prawn wrapper sat in the jacuzzi that's all the seafood boil.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Like rapping about being a prawn. Of course I want that.

Speaker 55 Who wouldn't want that?

Speaker 14 Still though, very difficult to come up with words that rhyme with sausage.

Speaker 26 So the prawn is really in trouble.

Speaker 157 Maybe if he changes the way he says sausage, he might say sausage.

Speaker 31 He's a rapper, he can do that. I can do that.

Speaker 10 He says sausage.

Speaker 130 Conclude it with sausage.

Speaker 14 Let's say he calls it sausage instead of sausage.

Speaker 33 What words does that open him up to?

Speaker 95 What words out there might be be sausage?

Speaker 31 Look, no, it's sausage.

Speaker 10 Siege. No, it's the siege.

Speaker 31 Siege.

Speaker 148 Yeah.

Speaker 129 Trees.

Speaker 18 Trees.

Speaker 14 Trees rhymes with sausage, does it?

Speaker 14 If you say it right.

Speaker 48 Why are you crossing your arms?

Speaker 6 I'm kind of excited because I want to just keep this going for a long time.

Speaker 1 Well, it's because me and Tanya really acted like we'd solve the problem there

Speaker 1 when Tanya said said you could change it to sausage and we were both like yeah yeah actually that would that would work. That would solve the problem.

Speaker 1 Now he's got a veritable dictionary in front of him.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 39 So you've got siege and trees so far that vise with sausage.

Speaker 148 Bees. Bees.
Knees.

Speaker 157 You could say I'll give you the sausage and have you on your knees. That's a good song.

Speaker 10 Oh yeah that is a good song.

Speaker 18 I'm not denying that's a good song.

Speaker 30 Teach about the birds and the bees.

Speaker 137 Sea? Yeah.

Speaker 5 Sea. Sea sort of works.

Speaker 137 Once you say so, see, you change it.

Speaker 4 Just change it.

Speaker 162 Like my teens, I grew up in southeast London in the 90s, and at that time, UK garage was a big thing, right?

Speaker 12 Yeah. And especially on the old Kent Road.

Speaker 162 That was the sort of the beating heart of the UK garage scene, right?

Speaker 27 And garage, their whole thing was like sexy and stylish, right?

Speaker 162 You had to come looking nice, yeah?

Speaker 121 So, a lot of the things would be like no caps, no trainers, no attitude, right?

Speaker 162 Like, those were the three things about not getting into a club.

Speaker 162 And um, sometimes, well, one time I didn't actually do it, so I'm using some license here.

Speaker 162 A friend of mine turned up with trainers on and probably a little bit of attitude, and um, we and we were turned away, and then someone said, Just take your black socks off, put them over your trainers,

Speaker 143 and he did, and we sailed on into cookies and cream, garage night.

Speaker 31 Cookies and cream, wow, cookies and cream.

Speaker 87 Food related, immediately.

Speaker 63 Exactly.

Speaker 162 You see, that story did come round.

Speaker 8 You knew what you were doing.

Speaker 1 Were the bouncers letting that slide?

Speaker 12 Did they know the sock trick, or were they just not looking properly?

Speaker 92 And they thought they didn't blink.

Speaker 162 They just thought he had big shoes on.

Speaker 132 They just thought he was woolly shoes.

Speaker 7 Exactly, big, fluffy shoes.

Speaker 162 He thought none the wiser. He thought he'd gone home and got changed into some respectable shoes.

Speaker 55 Alas, no.

Speaker 132 it was a roost.

Speaker 7 If someone was to make a film about the 90s UK garage scene, I mean, we already know you definitely want to be in it.

Speaker 54 I do.

Speaker 109 It's your upbringing, it's where you come from.

Speaker 62 But, like, who would you want to play in that film?

Speaker 30 If you look back at the garage scene, all the big names in it, all the big players, who would you want to play?

Speaker 162 Well, two local celebrities where I grew up were two MCs called Nikki S and Nike.

Speaker 31 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 162 And I remember once, I was really, I was in this place called the Paradise Bar in Broccoli, and Nikki S had just done a storm in set.

Speaker 55 People were really sort of in awe of him.

Speaker 162 And he came walking towards me and he made eye contact with me and he put his fist up to fist bump me.

Speaker 55 Yeah. And I put my fist up.

Speaker 162 I thought he knows who I am. And he sailed straight past me and fist bumped someone behind me.

Speaker 1 Oh no.

Speaker 14 I would say Nikki S gets his fist bumps ready too early in that case.

Speaker 60 That's not your fault. Exactly.

Speaker 16 That is not your fault.

Speaker 162 But the sort of UK garage voice, I don't know if you, maybe you don't, if you weren't that sort of au faith with

Speaker 121 UK garage radio in the 90s, it was that sort of like ladies' crew, bubbling fresh. You know, that sort of like, shout out to all the ladies in the venue.

Speaker 144 It's going to be a roadblock event. It was like, no one has ever spoken like that.
And I don't know why, I don't know how they settled on that voice as the voice

Speaker 148 to get people jazzed up about the garage.

Speaker 1 Who was the first guy to do that voice and at what point did everyone go yeah well we're gonna stick with this we're gonna stick with that yeah listen we should probably do a rate we should probably do an advert for for this club night

Speaker 162 well how do you even sound on an advert ladies and let me tell you it's gonna be a banging night what does and what does bubbling bubbling fresh mean because i've heard people say that before yeah well bubbling is dancing and and and fresh is real fresh dancing yeah oh i see speaking of voices, I didn't know what you really sounded like, Rafe, until just now.

Speaker 55 Are you surprised? Yeah.

Speaker 7 I've seen you in a lot of films, a lot of TV. And I think I've only heard you speak like this in Sean of the Dead.

Speaker 18 Yeah, I don't think I've heard you use this voice anywhere else.

Speaker 162 I'm literally putting it on now.

Speaker 31 This is not how I speak.

Speaker 162 I speak like that garage voice.

Speaker 121 That's how I usually talk.

Speaker 121 How was your day at school?

Speaker 31 Talking like that.

Speaker 10 Is that to your kids? Is that how you talk to them? Yeah.

Speaker 70 What are you thinking for dinner?

Speaker 31 Ladies.

Speaker 134 Lady.

Speaker 162 This is how I sound. Yeah.

Speaker 164 So I have a fake name on Yelp. Now we're jumping apps.
But on Yelp, I have a fake name and a fake picture.

Speaker 164 And I review there. It's still Paul, but it's a different last name.

Speaker 153 And

Speaker 164 it's an older man with a beard cheersing a green drink.

Speaker 49 Like he has a green drink.

Speaker 164 I love that as my profile pic. And then I will leave a nice review.
But then whenever I finish it, they're like, longer, please.

Speaker 10 And I'm like, longer?

Speaker 164 I've given it to you. I've given you the rating.

Speaker 27 I told you it was good.

Speaker 164 Like, why do I need to get in?

Speaker 153 Like, I have to write an article for you.

Speaker 30 Do you write the review?

Speaker 166 Is it sort of what you think in the reviews, or is it what the healthy old man thinks?

Speaker 164 No, it is. Yes.
No, I am. My character work does not go that deep on Yelp.
I wish it to go. I should.

Speaker 153 It should be the old man.

Speaker 10 Healthy old man.

Speaker 87 Yeah, healthy old man.

Speaker 114 You get like a running story with him as well.

Speaker 114 He's married in the first one, but his marriage falls apart gradually.

Speaker 25 Correctly, you know, I used to go here with my wife.

Speaker 164 It should maybe even be a little bit more bizarre. Like, my wife was killed in a jet ski accident.
Like, you know, there's a bizarre way that she was murdered. Maybe I did it.

Speaker 59 Yeah, I think it has to go in the

Speaker 59 middle.

Speaker 114 Kind of like the jinx. By the end, it's like, yeah, you accidentally.

Speaker 87 I admit it I did it.

Speaker 153 Oh, I did it all.

Speaker 164 And anyway, this is the best place to get your auto, your oil changed.

Speaker 114 What do you think, and I will be asking this for every question, the healthy old man would want.

Speaker 59 The healthy old man would definitely want to drive.

Speaker 164 I mean he'd run a he would do still because the bubbles make him a little

Speaker 166 tough.

Speaker 164 And they remind him of when his wife's last breath from under the sea. Let me ask you guys this question.

Speaker 25 I watched it go down.

Speaker 25 I wish I knew how to swim.

Speaker 10 I wish.

Speaker 69 I just didn't know.

Speaker 164 But then there's like a picture that comes out where I was swimming. I was actually a swimming champion and a child.
My story doesn't clear.

Speaker 114 Also, starter-wise, what's the healthy old man having?

Speaker 164 The healthy old man. Well, the healthy old man is going to do something very nice.

Speaker 164 It's going to be like an end dive, but there'll be some things in, like, almost like a kind of like a lettuce cup, but an end dive cup.

Speaker 100 You know, delicious, nice, respectful, a little bit of spice to it, but not too much.

Speaker 62 It's not going to kick too much.

Speaker 166 Yeah, the last thing the healthy old man is doing is filling up on bread, right?

Speaker 153 Exactly.

Speaker 164 He's not, he is avoiding bread at all. He's not had bread since 1986.
Because he knows he's got limited time.

Speaker 114 he's got to keep it all healthy and he's like oh this reminds me of my i used to have a allotment myself and i'd grow my own vegetables yeah you'd look into it and be like he didn't have an allotment he just stole he stole from his extra neighbor this guy all the time

Speaker 59 yeah it's always

Speaker 30 like like peter rabbit we did have an allotment and everything he planted died and i'm like why what's under what's under that soil

Speaker 35 healthy old man just as healthy old man as you

Speaker 164 disgust it's made of people the reason why the fertilizer is so good is this dead corpse oh no is that what's in the green drink?

Speaker 25 Oh, no. Oh, no.

Speaker 49 Healthy old man's drinking people.

Speaker 86 He's the sweeney todd of gardening, this man.

Speaker 164 I just put a little ginger in there and it goes down so smooth.

Speaker 73 Healthy old man.

Speaker 69 And before we move on, what's the healthy old man having for his manga?

Speaker 164 Healthy old man is going to do something that I feel like is going to be nice, which is

Speaker 2 like a broiled fish.

Speaker 164 You know, it's going to have some flavor and it's going to be a white fish, a flaky white fish.

Speaker 164 And I think that that there's going to be capers, not an overwhelming amount of capers.

Speaker 164 And I would put,

Speaker 50 you know, underneath it, you know, nothing, not like a pasta, not even a risotto.

Speaker 164 I would just say for the healthy old man, I think it's going to be just very simple garnish, but it will be an edible garnish.

Speaker 164 Maybe like a green pepper, a yellow pepper, just a little bit to give it some color. So it doesn't have a white fish on a plate.

Speaker 153 Yeah.

Speaker 114 And it doesn't remind him of anyone's birthday, I don't imagine.

Speaker 25 No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 153 You don't want to think about the birthday. I mean, especially because his birthday he shared with his wife and that is

Speaker 49 the same birthday yeah it's a tricky thing yeah you dig down into it and they were twins

Speaker 73 they were brother and sister

Speaker 167 they were brother and sister they left the country because they their love was forbidden

Speaker 164 i was like it never make babies why you had to kill her

Speaker 164 onto them look you know what it just like honestly the truth is their parents died they left the money he didn't want to split it he wanted to take that money and start a brand new life yeah that's what happened.

Speaker 69 Yeah, that healthy old man is so healthy.

Speaker 45 Also, I feel like, um, going back to your side, dish, that this cellar bar is this is where you and the healthy old man cross parts.

Speaker 99 Yes, this is where I see him.

Speaker 164 I feel like now he's not going to come over on the cheese side, but I, you know, I see him and we make eyes, and he gives me a little

Speaker 153 nod, but yeah, yeah, I see you

Speaker 59 raises his green glasses.

Speaker 114 Oh, hello, and then maybe puts his finger to his lip and goes,

Speaker 91 I wasn't here.

Speaker 35 You didn't see me.

Speaker 54 H-O-M.

Speaker 166 Maybe he's dressed in like the server uniform for Fogger to Chow and then he takes his name badge off, sneaks out the back.

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 25 Where did my server go?

Speaker 168 The old man?

Speaker 25 There's no old man in the middle of the day.

Speaker 164 Or

Speaker 164 you see him subtly walk by a table and scoop a credit card, like puts his hand down and goes, I'm having trouble walking. And it takes a credit card off.
I'm like, I make eye contact with him.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 164 And there's a moment. And he's like, and I don't say anything.

Speaker 153 He doesn't say anything.

Speaker 114 I don't even have to ask you what the healthy old man's drinking because we all know he likes green drink.

Speaker 25 Oh, yeah, green drink. He's got green drink.

Speaker 153 Yeah, green drink is definitely there.

Speaker 25 Yeah. So

Speaker 153 I got to show you the picture of the old man.

Speaker 87 Yeah, you do. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 122 I think you're picturing him older than now.

Speaker 164 I want to find an older picture because I think you're picturing him slightly older than he is, but

Speaker 164 I like that idea that he is older.

Speaker 30 I mean, you can send us that picture and we'll use it to promote this podcast.

Speaker 25 Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 164 I am definitely going to do that. I got to get that in there.
It's so good. I'm loving the old man.
Here it is right here.

Speaker 25 He's so old.

Speaker 31 He's great.

Speaker 87 I love it. Yeah,

Speaker 25 he's not even that old.

Speaker 59 I like him older.

Speaker 69 He's a healthy old man.

Speaker 69 He's like probably 50 max.

Speaker 25 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 35 He's a lovely man.

Speaker 167 He's not even fully great, but there's something about him that

Speaker 164 it's a great awkward shot of him.

Speaker 153 The top of his head's cut off.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's okay.

Speaker 164 What I found about it was I was like, this feels like a real picture.

Speaker 164 And that's what you really have to kind of grab.

Speaker 59 Healthy old man, who would

Speaker 4 leave reviews on websites.

Speaker 138 And before we read your order back to you, what's healthy old man getting for dessert?

Speaker 164 Healthy old man is getting a dark chocolate.

Speaker 164 He's just going to have a bite of it.

Speaker 87 You know,

Speaker 14 it's going to be a cake.

Speaker 100 It's not going to be too, too decadent.

Speaker 89 Probably

Speaker 111 it will be,

Speaker 164 hmm, trying to think of what he would really want. You know what? Actually, I'm going to go back and say, like, old man,

Speaker 164 a scoop of vanilla vanilla ice cream. Just ate a plain scoop of vanilla.

Speaker 2 And he'd be going, oh, I'm being so bad.

Speaker 25 Yeah, I'm being real, guys.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Paul Scheer. Lovely to hear from Paul and the healthy old man there.
Now, James, that... episode was recorded when we were in Los Angeles before the global pandemic.

Speaker 1 So we were just sort of dipping our toe into Hollywood life. Little did we know at the time that you yourself would then go on to be the star of a Hollywood film.

Speaker 105 Star of all Hollywood, actually.

Speaker 113 Yeah. The talk of the town.

Speaker 1 You are the talk of the town in Hollywood, Hollywood town. There's talk of letting you live in the big, in one of the O's.
Yeah.

Speaker 45 Me, James Corden and Ramish Ranger Nathan all going to live in the big O together, running round it on a little hamster wheel.

Speaker 1 Is it one O that you live in together or do you each get an O?

Speaker 1 We all live in the 1-0 and it and it spins around like a hamster wheel and we all can run on it together yes because of course you are all mice yes and you spent the rest of the year on off menu trying to get acting tips because it's been such a busy acting year for you yes so here's a little clip of something relating to that from the martin freeman episode

Speaker 7 i also kind of want to ask you if you can still do the fargo voice uh these days or can you not do it

Speaker 154 it takes a bit of a run-up run-up, to be honest, James. It takes a little bit of a warm-up.

Speaker 45 I don't want to make you perform for us, Martin.

Speaker 44 I mean, it was fairly, it was obvious at the beginning of the episode that you were angling for that, James.

Speaker 98 We all ignored it and we moved on.

Speaker 73 Yep.

Speaker 1 Martin was very classy. He just decided to sort of segue into the next bit.
Yes.

Speaker 22 What would really make me happy is you trying it.

Speaker 59 Oh, yeah, that would be happy.

Speaker 4 I'm very bad at accents.

Speaker 154 But that's why it's going to be fun. Why don't you say, what would you like for your dessert as a Minnesotan?

Speaker 1 Me and Martin have naturally braced ourselves.

Speaker 31 Have you noticed that?

Speaker 10 Yeah, yeah, and it's really hard.

Speaker 165 I can't really get past okay then.

Speaker 14 Okay,

Speaker 14 Martin, what be

Speaker 6 kind of need to know your dessert choice there, Martin.

Speaker 122 If you

Speaker 18 need to know your dessert,

Speaker 41 it's not bad.

Speaker 154 It's a bloody gallant effort.

Speaker 15 I'm trying, I'm genuinely trying.

Speaker 154 I think you can hit the R's more.

Speaker 154 Hit the R sound more on my name and on the dessert.

Speaker 13 Martin?

Speaker 10 Martin?

Speaker 4 No, because I lose the rest of it.

Speaker 3 Martin. Martin?

Speaker 70 No, no, I'm doing.

Speaker 4 Oh, that's good.

Speaker 22 Martin. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 82 Dessert.

Speaker 98 Dessert.

Speaker 32 I'm getting better in meal time already.

Speaker 22 Improving, yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1 Imagine if you're in a restaurant and the waiter came over and just started going, okay, okay, okay, yeah, okay,

Speaker 10 okay.

Speaker 98 Getting into cameras.

Speaker 10 What'd be you want for desserts there?

Speaker 10 No, I don't know. I don't know.

Speaker 93 Can I see the manager, please?

Speaker 154 This is a lot of fun. I like you doing accents.

Speaker 12 Can we just throw accents at you?

Speaker 100 If you want to, I mean, it serves me right for trying to make you do the voice.

Speaker 25 So, yeah, I think so.

Speaker 154 But

Speaker 154 can you do a thing where you don't pause? Because let's face it.

Speaker 148 Yes.

Speaker 154 It's a bit more serious for me if I do a load of shit accents because it's my job, right?

Speaker 154 You've got your own thing going on, James.

Speaker 148 You're untouched by it.

Speaker 154 Like, if you, okay, you does a bad Welsh, no one gives a shit. Yeah, so if I just say an accent, a region, I'll keep it in Britain.

Speaker 154 I'll keep it in Britain, okay, and you've just got to, without pausing, just ask me what I want for dessert in that accent, okay?

Speaker 59 Yeah, okay, yeah, Belfast.

Speaker 10 I'll fuck off, but

Speaker 36 start off with the one that will give me the most trouble.

Speaker 1 It's good, that's the sort of thing they say, but you need to work on the accent a bit more.

Speaker 63 What would you like for dessert?

Speaker 10 What the hell? Wow, yeah.

Speaker 169 I'm trying not to think.

Speaker 101 What would you like for dessert? One more.

Speaker 22 Birmingham.

Speaker 3 What would you like for dessert?

Speaker 93 Wow.

Speaker 98 They are all quite similar, aren't they?

Speaker 148 There's a definite similarity between all of them.

Speaker 154 Which just goes to show we're all one big family. The human race is one big family.

Speaker 39 When I'm not allowed to think about it, I really do surprise myself with what comes out of my mouth.

Speaker 4 And I'm not allowed to think about it at all. And I just have to go for it.

Speaker 170 It's a shock to me when it happens.

Speaker 154 And to all of us, but I think it's quite good to not let your brain get in the way and just go for it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.
And we all admire that more.

Speaker 22 The fact that

Speaker 22 you've gone for it.

Speaker 4 We should ask you dessert properly really but i also want to know how long it took you to do the fargo accent really james all all i wanted to talk about on this episode is the fargo accent yeah we're not going to know why everyone's getting in the you could have got my number from someone james i'm sure we got mutual friends and uh you could have just texted me

Speaker 1 there we go james do you think martin helped you with your acting there he certainly did ed oh yeah oh yeah hang on sorry i was supposed to be recording this with james a caster who's this oh i'm from fargo wow that's that's amazing hello i I didn't realise we were having guests on this.

Speaker 1 This was just supposed to be me and James. It was just like a clipstein.

Speaker 31 Oh, you betcha.

Speaker 93 What's your name?

Speaker 33 You betcha.

Speaker 12 Why do you keep saying everything twice, slightly differently?

Speaker 31 Oh, no reason.

Speaker 93 Oh, pretty good.

Speaker 1 Okay, we're sort of straying towards Shrek territory there, aren't we?

Speaker 10 I don't know about that, Ed.

Speaker 1 So this year we also reached our 100th episode. It was a momentous occasion where we got to reveal our own dream.
Whoever that is, can you go away, get James back?

Speaker 1 We revealed our own dream menus to our special guest genie, Claudia Winkleman. Let's have a little listen to some highlights from that.

Speaker 82 Before I do anything, I just like to say out loud, this is quite major. This is not what normally happens because

Speaker 82 I'm honoured. That's what I'm gonna, I'm gonna use that word, to welcome James and Ed to the Dream Restaurant.

Speaker 31 Oh, thank you very much, Claudia.

Speaker 2 There we go.

Speaker 10 Thank you.

Speaker 1 We're honored to have you. There we go.

Speaker 63 Oh, it's the dream restaurant has a bird in it today.

Speaker 82 Well, we're in Tahiti.

Speaker 82 I am a facilitator today because what's happening, just to share with the group, it's your 100th episode of the best podcast of all time, let's be honest.

Speaker 96 Correct.

Speaker 171 And today,

Speaker 82 you two, this is huge, are going to share your menus.

Speaker 10 Yes.

Speaker 34 And I've given you temporarily the genie powers.

Speaker 23 I've transferred them over to you.

Speaker 31 Thank you.

Speaker 88 We did the

Speaker 62 ceremony beforehand.

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 82 I mean, it was it was a long ceremony, three and a half hours of humming.

Speaker 10 Yes, a lot of humming.

Speaker 62 And you were very good throughout.

Speaker 109 You were very respectful.

Speaker 1 Now, Claudia, obviously the idea is you use those genie powers to create our dream menus when we ask for them.

Speaker 1 But obviously, while you've got them, it would seem a shame to not use them for some other stuff.

Speaker 41 Is there anything else you'll be using the genie powers for?

Speaker 82 No, this is what everyone needs to grasp is.

Speaker 82 This is not about me.

Speaker 82 This is what you two like doing. You like asking questions.
You have an opinion about a side dish. You're like, what spoon would you use with that?

Speaker 168 That's now this is on YouTube.

Speaker 1 You spotted my trick there, Claudia. I'm so, this is, I'm so nervous about doing my dream menu.

Speaker 1 It's, I've just, I've realised as I'm trying to do it that it's an awful thing to ask someone to put someone in this position. And we've done it 99 times.

Speaker 1 So I was trying to ask you what you do, the genie powers, to try and make this about you rather than us because I'm terrible.

Speaker 82 Nothing to do with me, mate.

Speaker 82 Let me ask you this. At what juncture did you you start...
Have you always, when you've talked to other people, thought, that's madness, I'd never choose that?

Speaker 82 Have you always, in the back of your head, got your dream menu?

Speaker 2 No, no, absolutely not.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 I've done it, but this is what my menu is now as of this second. But if you asked me tomorrow, it would be different.

Speaker 82 That's very fickle.

Speaker 82 It's very fickle and a bit weird.

Speaker 23 Yeah, that's the lucky thing about being the hosts.

Speaker 109 Fingers crossed, we do another 100 episodes after this.

Speaker 27 And on 200, we can do another one of these.

Speaker 63 and we can show how we've grown as people

Speaker 82 that's what this podcast is really about or what would be adorable is if you had exactly the same oh that would be sweet you went do you know what I was right do you know what there are some things on this menu

Speaker 8 actually you said about have we always had it in the back of our heads and if I'm honest I've always had a notes in my in my phone where I've written down all the things that are contenders.

Speaker 113 Wow.

Speaker 4 And anytime I have anything that's amazing, I've put it in my Google notes because I thought, well, I'm going to have to do this one day, clearly.

Speaker 82 didn't know when it would be but I knew the day would come that's quite erotic so you're at dinner with your girlfriend and you say hold on a sec darling I've just had a buttered parsnip with a honey glaze I'm gonna stop you there yeah and wrote it in sometimes I've got the parsnip in my mouth and my eyes are closed I'm in ecstasy and my hands are still writing down in the notes manically the parsnip James who have you shared this menu with did you want to check with anyone was it a parent was it a friend I did check with my girlfriend I I did tell her.

Speaker 42 Well, I didn't check with her, actually.

Speaker 27 She was nosy and wanted to know what it was beforehand.

Speaker 82 Because you're constantly in Google Notes. She thinks you're having an affair.

Speaker 10 Yeah, yeah, she doesn't believe me.

Speaker 42 She's like, well, let me see the notes then.

Speaker 1 She knows, James. She knows he's definitely not having an affair.
Her first thought was he's probably writing that down in a note to remind himself later on.

Speaker 27 Yeah, he's probably writing down what food he likes or he's remembered an album that he likes in 2016.

Speaker 63 He's absolutely losing this guy.

Speaker 10 But yeah, I did tell her.

Speaker 42 And she didn't, you know, there wasn't a point where she went, what?

Speaker 4 So I think, yeah, that was reassuring.

Speaker 9 But there is some things on it which,

Speaker 9 I don't know, there's potential for crossover with Ed's menu here.

Speaker 7 And I would be excited if we get...

Speaker 109 I don't know if there's a special rule where if we say the same thing, something happens in the dream restaurant.

Speaker 41 I think we have to kiss.

Speaker 1 We have to kiss, don't we?

Speaker 82 No, well, not everybody has to stop what they're doing, step away from Zoom and do a roly-poly.

Speaker 31 That's ideal.

Speaker 18 That's what happens in our house.

Speaker 82 Something major happens. Just all right, guys, mat out.

Speaker 101 Let's do it.

Speaker 82 And I'm 49, that's quite something. Ed, is there anything that has made you slightly nervous?

Speaker 93 What's giving you the wobbles, as it were?

Speaker 24 Well, I mean, all of it gives me the wobbles, but in a good way, as in I'll slap my tummy after I've eaten it.

Speaker 10 But I think

Speaker 1 I've maybe...

Speaker 5 Have I messed with the format?

Speaker 1 As I went through it, I found our format too restrictive.

Speaker 10 Goodness.

Speaker 1 So I've danced around the...

Speaker 96 bold.

Speaker 1 I've danced around the outskirts of the format, but in a way that previous guests have done.

Speaker 41 So I'm hoping it'll be allowed.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 82 Are you nervous? Because

Speaker 82 the people who listen to this show love this show. They love the two of you.
They often listen to episodes more than once. Are you thinking about pleasing them?

Speaker 82 Are you thinking about your fans, the off-menu people who make memes? I've still got ones coming to me of Mr. Burns.

Speaker 82 You know, if they go, well, James has let us down because he's chosen chosen partridge.

Speaker 31 I mean,

Speaker 18 are you worried about that?

Speaker 1 No, firstly, I'm not worried about James choosing partridge.

Speaker 87 I'm not, I don't know if that's not.

Speaker 82 Nobody would choose partridge, not even a partridge. Well, especially partridge.

Speaker 104 Continue.

Speaker 1 I think the people who listen to this will be happy with a lot of different outcomes.

Speaker 1 So if they're just straight up nice menus and they think they sound delicious, they'll be like, yes, we're on board with that. We like food.

Speaker 1 If the menus are awful, they'll enjoy making fun of us on the internet. If me and James really come to blows over something,

Speaker 1 I think that's the best outcome for them. You know, if the worst thing happens and I do what everyone wants me to do, which I'm not going to say out loud now, James will absolutely lose his mind.

Speaker 34 Well, I'm not sure. I've been thinking about that.

Speaker 42 I've been thinking about what if he does it.

Speaker 23 And if he does it, what am I going to do?

Speaker 9 And in this instance, I'll be so consoled by my own menu that it won't affect me as much.

Speaker 112 Normally,

Speaker 4 the menu that the guest brings to the dream restaurant is the only menu I get to hear that day.

Speaker 46 And

Speaker 6 when they do something horrible, it really annoys me because I'm like, oh, we had such a lovely chat and now on this.

Speaker 74 But now I get to conjure up my own, or Claudia conjures up my dream meal for me.

Speaker 6 So maybe, but I don't know.

Speaker 27 I still might, I don't know how I'm going to feel if he does it.

Speaker 82 I've got to ask you a question, if that's all right. And there's going to be sound effects and I'm excited.

Speaker 10 Still or sparkling water?

Speaker 39 Do you know what?

Speaker 9 It's so exciting having it asked to us and having Claudio asking us.

Speaker 82 James, what are you... Do you always go for the same thing?

Speaker 5 What are you going to have?

Speaker 63 Well, here's the thing, though.

Speaker 70 I'm worried.

Speaker 4 Because I actually haven't checked with Benito as to whether there's a secret ingredient for this episode.

Speaker 112 And normally the secret ingredient is something that Ed and I as the host don't like.

Speaker 32 I know that you hate water.

Speaker 8 I'm now worried that the joke is me and Ed get kicked out immediately

Speaker 96 during the water course.

Speaker 82 No, there is no secret ingredient. That's only for you two to do.
No. I relax.

Speaker 92 So

Speaker 82 I'm holding two bottles. Oh, do you like your view of the window with the pond and the 24-hour sunset, sir?

Speaker 91 What can I pour you? Here's the thing.

Speaker 2 So if I had to choose between still and sparkling water, I'd choose still water.

Speaker 8 And I think I would be more excited if it had some cucumber in it

Speaker 64 and some

Speaker 10 in a spa. Huh?

Speaker 1 You appear to be eating in a spa, James.

Speaker 63 Yes, well, well, I mean, A, you drink water.

Speaker 76 So I don't know if you're eating a glass of water, Ed, like a madman.

Speaker 104 Yeah, but why are you putting cucumber in it?

Speaker 63 It just makes everything taste like cucumber.

Speaker 42 Oh, yeah, that's the point of adding stuff to it.

Speaker 31 Sorry, I didn't want, I actually said to myself before this,

Speaker 41 I didn't want this to be a fight, because I think James has excellent tastes.

Speaker 31 Let him live.

Speaker 82 He wants a big pool and some cucumber water and a foot rub.

Speaker 147 It's a very profound point, Ed, to point out that when you add an ingredient to something, it then tastes of that ingredient.

Speaker 76 And I agree that if you add cucumber, it'll taste a cucumber.

Speaker 23 I like the cucumber when it's sliced really long.

Speaker 82 oh yeah when they do the diagonal slice yeah yeah gotcha gotcha why do you prefer that tastes better

Speaker 66 here's the thing this is the only one where i was like everything else on my menu i'm excited about the water course i really wanted because i wanted to nail every single part of this menu yeah and the water course i was like nothing's inspired me here i haven't had a water somewhere that's really blown my mind

Speaker 14 and i thought i know who's hosting this they might let me do an immediate loophole of course i will and just replace the water.

Speaker 4 I've said what I would have still sparkling.

Speaker 82 Yeah, and we know that. And also, it's your show.

Speaker 160 Loophole away.

Speaker 105 But maybe if I crack open a can.

Speaker 36 Costen, Coston, Coston Press.

Speaker 43 It's the water. Cost.

Speaker 42 Costard is the best.

Speaker 1 He's written the song. You can't deny that.

Speaker 104 He wants a Corston press.

Speaker 6 It's got water in it.

Speaker 4 To be fair, I've gone sparkling, really.

Speaker 42 It's a mildly sparkling soft drink. Rhubarb Corsten Press.

Speaker 42 It's got apples in it.

Speaker 6 It's mainly apple-based, but then this is of the rhubarb flavour.

Speaker 55 I love it.

Speaker 30 I drink it so much.

Speaker 63 To me, it's like water.

Speaker 70 This is what my logic is.

Speaker 6 I love it so much that it's just become a normal flavour to me.

Speaker 29 I wouldn't really pick it as my dream drink and stuff like that because I just drink it all the time.

Speaker 10 It's my water.

Speaker 42 It's Corst and Press.

Speaker 109 And so therefore, if I want to be excited about every element of this meal, I would want to sit down in a restaurant by the big window, see the pond, and the waiter just comes over and pours me, pours everyone on the table a glass of Causten Press from a jug and walks away.

Speaker 1 And everyone goes, Well, this is a surprising start to our meal at Noma.

Speaker 92 Rhubarb?

Speaker 87 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 82 Come all the way to Denmark.

Speaker 31 I'm bad.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 82 I think, Ed, if there's no objection, I think that's okay.

Speaker 1 Well, Claudia, I can't object because you'll find that way when I give you my choice of spittle sparkling water.

Speaker 82 Oh, gosh, here we go.

Speaker 82 I just, the only thing I want to ask you about the Causton Press rhubarb, is that in a short glass or a tall glass and does it have ice and would you be wanting a straw just to really that's good got to drill down i've got to drill i'd like those details please ice is a con so i'm not having ice yeah not going to get me that way no one's again this that's a very james a caster phrase you're not going to get me that way no one's trying to get you mate no one's absolutely no one's trying to get you just to chat no one's trying to get me on this

Speaker 6 i'm not being tricked by the ice ice fills up the glass, takes up the space that could be used for Corston press. Unless the ice tubes are frozen Corston and press.

Speaker 32 Oh, which I'll be open to actually.

Speaker 3 That's what I want.

Speaker 92 Yeah, yeah, that's what you want, mate.

Speaker 14 Yeah, but I don't want cubes.

Speaker 6 I want the crushed ice that's made of Corston press.

Speaker 63 Fill the glass up with that, pour the Corston press on it.

Speaker 32 That's what I'd like.

Speaker 63 So there's a jug of Corston press in the middle of the table that I can keep on topping up my glass.

Speaker 8 But it's crushed ice that is made from Corston press.

Speaker 82 And that, but that's going to melt, that's going to bang into your teeth.

Speaker 11 Are you using a straw?

Speaker 74 No.

Speaker 12 No. I've never seen you use a straw.

Speaker 130 Yeah, I'm not really really a straw guy.

Speaker 1 He can't purse his lips, Claudia. He has an open mouth all the time.

Speaker 25 Do you know what, though?

Speaker 9 I would use a straw if it was one of those, you know, novelty curly straws.

Speaker 5 Yeah, round the bend.

Speaker 82 That's fine. They said happy birthday.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 66 I like watching that.

Speaker 10 That's really fun. Okay.

Speaker 74 So yeah, maybe I'd have one of those straws.

Speaker 103 I'm very happy with your answer.

Speaker 82 Are you delighted with that?

Speaker 18 Is that made

Speaker 28 more palatable?

Speaker 19 Especially the crushed ice, because I hate ice cubes, but then I remembered I actually love crushed ice and I think it's really cool.

Speaker 105 So, like, actually,

Speaker 9 I'm really happy with that, especially if it's the same flavour as the drink.

Speaker 14 I know what you mean.

Speaker 1 I think crushed ice is really cool, and I think it comes from when you go over to a friend's house when you're younger, and they have that fridge with the ice machine on the front.

Speaker 1 And I think I only had like one friend who had that, and I would just spend all day at their house being like, Crushed ice or cubes, crushed ice or cubes.

Speaker 104 It's so exciting.

Speaker 10 And crushed ice was the coolest'cause you see cubes every day, right?

Speaker 7 Yeah, see cubes all the time.

Speaker 6 No one cares about also, I don't like a cube of ice in my mouth.

Speaker 23 It sometimes does that little screechy sound.

Speaker 34 And that,

Speaker 22 yeah, do you know what I mean?

Speaker 56 Benita looks confused.

Speaker 1 Because you can't purse your lips again, so it just falls out, doesn't it?

Speaker 14 I can't purse them, just falls out.

Speaker 32 Everything in this meal is going to fall out of my mouth.

Speaker 147 That's why I'm next to the window.

Speaker 82 Next to the window with a bib.

Speaker 95 Yeah.

Speaker 82 All right. I'm delighted with that, if you are.

Speaker 10 Oh, I'm so happy with it.

Speaker 18 I was worried that I was.

Speaker 18 Do you know what?

Speaker 8 I was really worried that I was going to immediately get told, no, you can't have that.

Speaker 63 Not by you, but by Edward Gamble.

Speaker 32 And then I looked at him and realised he's done the same same thing.

Speaker 10 Yeah, of course, yes.

Speaker 96 Ed, I've got to ask you then.

Speaker 82 So I've just put a bit of jug of crushed rhubarb-flavoured fizzy water.

Speaker 110 Would you like still or sparkling?

Speaker 1 I'll have a pint of Guinness, please.

Speaker 93 I can have water at home.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to my dream restaurant and kicking off with the water. I can have that at the tap.
I'll have two liters of water before I go in to hydrate myself. I'll have easy access to a toilet.

Speaker 1 And for still or sparkling water, I would like a pint of Guinness, which they still recommend to drink after a marathon as the ultimate hydration tool with iron and other vitamins included.

Speaker 41 One pint of draft Guinness.

Speaker 24 I miss it so much.

Speaker 63 Thank you very much.

Speaker 10 Bought up a marathon immediately.

Speaker 82 I mean, I feel bad about letting the rhubarb fizzy walk because the rhubarb causten world, whatever it is, seems to me water that has just sort of made eye contact with some rhubarb flavoring.

Speaker 104 Sure.

Speaker 82 Guinness, I'm going to ask you your drink later. No problem.
That's coming up.

Speaker 1 That's like asking for a side dish for water it's not it's still it's it's it's a very hydrating liquid it's uh it's delicious it's it's better water essentially someone's made better water water is still the base of beers and stouts so there's still water in there it's still mainly water I have a question.

Speaker 10 Please.

Speaker 82 Is it not going to fill you up too much?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 82 I mean, I don't know what your menu is. It might just be frise lettuce and a tiny timbal of but a whole pint of Guinness, you're going to need to have a lie down.

Speaker 1 No, I am extremely greedy. I do drink.

Speaker 1 I was actually, when I worked in a pub, I was accused by the landlord of drinking Guinness like water.

Speaker 1 So I don't know whether I'm going to add that to my portfolio of evidence.

Speaker 1 I can swig Guinness. I can knock it back.
I could drink four pints of Guinness before I start to feel full. But I would like one pint of draft Guinness, please, for my still a sparkling water course.

Speaker 82 James, how are you feeling about this?

Speaker 63 Well, number of questions.

Speaker 9 I feel in a number of ways.

Speaker 1 But you respect me massively, obviously.

Speaker 3 Well, look, I always respect you no matter what.

Speaker 87 But that doesn't mean I like you.

Speaker 42 Here's what I've done, Ed.

Speaker 9 Here's my question to you.

Speaker 63 Any loophole that I've applied to my menu, my rule for myself was I'm not doing any new loopholes that we haven't had on the podcast before.

Speaker 34 Right.

Speaker 32 They're only loopholes that I've let people get away with on the podcast so that we're playing within the rules.

Speaker 8 Claudia, when she was on, changed her water to, I believe, a soft drink.

Speaker 14 So I was like, right, I'm going with Constant Press.

Speaker 18 Sure. Oh, yes.

Speaker 82 I swapped it for a mug of macaroni cheese.

Speaker 104 Yeah, that was it.

Speaker 27 Okay, well, in many ways, the Guinness kind of has to stand up.

Speaker 78 Yeah, the Guinness has to stay.

Speaker 1 Especially if it's Claudia running this dream restaurant today, and she's trying to tell me I'm not allowed Guinness, sat there with a steaming hot mug of pasta.

Speaker 31 I just wanted to flag it up.

Speaker 41 No, and you're right to flag it up.

Speaker 1 I knew it was going to cause a discussion, but I think we can all agree it's a great choice.

Speaker 3 And let's move on. How about this?

Speaker 45 When they finish pouring your Guinness. Yeah.

Speaker 27 When they're just finishing it on the tap, just getting to the end.

Speaker 63 They don't draw. Oh, don't.

Speaker 4 The heads there.

Speaker 109 What if they wrote in the phone H2O?

Speaker 12 I mean, I'd be impressed. Yeah.

Speaker 10 I'd be happy with that if we're if we're all happy to agree with that.

Speaker 82 So this is a different day and it's you two talking to a guest. Yeah.
It's Dean Gaffney. He comes on and he says, because what happens with loopholes is they occur normally at the end.

Speaker 160 You know what I mean?

Speaker 82 You're 90 minutes in, everyone's jovial and you go, please can my side dish be a tiramisseu and everyone's like, ah, get out of here. Bye, thanks for coming.

Speaker 82 To go in hard with I'm not having water is bold. And I'm just wondering if you two are there, Gaffney, whoever it is, I'm obsessed by him.
And he asked for that. Where are you going with that?

Speaker 173 As the creators, as the hosts of the show.

Speaker 1 Well, if Gaffney asked for a pint of Guinness, so much respect to Gaffney.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Of course, because I'd be like, oh, damn it. That's what I would have chosen.

Speaker 5 We've not done my menu yet.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Fine.
I'd respect Gaffney for choosing a pint of Guinness. If he could argue it like I have, like, there's the marathon evidence.

Speaker 1 There's the, you know, the actual creation of Guinness.

Speaker 1 And there's also the, let's not forget what the landlord said to me, Claudia, at the Rains Park Tavern.

Speaker 82 We could drink four pints without even being full.

Speaker 1 Well, exactly.

Speaker 5 And I agree.

Speaker 1 Look, I agree. It's cheap.
It's a cheeky choice, but I think we're going to have to let it fly.

Speaker 79 Okay. All right.

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Speaker 175 Man,

Speaker 15 those are the best menus we've ever had on the podcast.

Speaker 39 I'm going to say it, those two guys really nailed it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I absolutely agree. But it wasn't just the 100th episode that was a momentous occasion for Off Menu.
We also did our very first live off-menu shows, James.

Speaker 44 Yes, it was huge.

Speaker 15 At the South Bank Center, thank you to everyone who turned up to the Royal Festival Hall.

Speaker 33 Sold out, you all masked up, you all followed the protocol.

Speaker 19 And as far as I know, no one got the Rona.

Speaker 93 No one got the Rona, our proudest moment.

Speaker 1 Also, the shows were quite good themselves.

Speaker 5 So we can play a little, little few clips of those shows right now, actually.

Speaker 45 Yeah, I think we should play the listeners us walking out onto the stage at the start of the show.

Speaker 33 But also, definitely, we need a clip from the Izzy Sooty episode and the Edgar Wright episode.

Speaker 45 Our wonderful live guests. Thank you both for doing it much.

Speaker 45 We did it

Speaker 45 yes.

Speaker 177 Oh, yeah, they're too much. So, hello, welcome to the second ever off-menu live.

Speaker 68 The off-menu live show.

Speaker 169 Sprinkling the.

Speaker 59 Oh, there we go.

Speaker 180 It's not normal.

Speaker 181 But honestly, thank fuck you're doing it because I genuinely haven't thought of one. As I was walking out and everyone was cheering, I thought, this is lovely, but I've not written the intro again.

Speaker 182 So,

Speaker 59 I've not written one.

Speaker 177 No, so we've got sprinkling. What are we sprinkling on what?

Speaker 59 Sprinkling what? What did he say? He said kettering, he said more on.

Speaker 59 I see.

Speaker 59 I

Speaker 59 you can't sprinkle catering doesn't understand what you can sprinkle yeah

Speaker 23 still also doesn't seem to understand the podcast never listened to it before

Speaker 170 he's the reason I've stopped touring if you're wondering

Speaker 67 that and the pandemic

Speaker 51 probably actually blame the pandemic more than you sir

Speaker 118 let's not kick off on that note James what do we let's not have one of your your famous meltdowns this early on

Speaker 56 what are we spring What are we sprinkling?

Speaker 59 I'll quit.

Speaker 68 Take in the...

Speaker 68 Sprinkling the

Speaker 182 sprinkling. What sort of things do you sprinkle, food wise?

Speaker 37 Sprinkling the icing sugar of chat.

Speaker 107 Okay, straight.

Speaker 181 I mean, it's amazing how on the nose you are as a person owner, isn't it?

Speaker 182 Just straight to icing sugar, no beating around the bush.

Speaker 182 Sprinkling the... you don't sprinkle icing sugar, you snorty.

Speaker 54 Yeah, I'm sorry.

Speaker 184 I don't remember you criticising Ketterin this much when they guys shouted that out.

Speaker 179 Accepted that immediately. I had to point out how bad that was.

Speaker 68 Sprinkling the ice and sugar of chat

Speaker 65 over

Speaker 185 the dough

Speaker 65 of humour. Yes.

Speaker 68 Baking in the oven of live entertainment.

Speaker 170 And producing the doughnut of friendship.

Speaker 181 That's very good.

Speaker 123 Pretty good. No, it's really good.

Speaker 123 So,

Speaker 71 never made a doughnut?

Speaker 71 Huh? Ever made a doughnut?

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 184 How do you make a doughnut?

Speaker 169 Sprinkle ice and sugar on some dough and put it in the oven.

Speaker 64 Right, okay.

Speaker 37 Have you ever burnt anything on a barbecue that isn't food? I have.

Speaker 181 That's the most obvious way I've ever seen a comedian ask a question and then go into their own anecdote.

Speaker 177 Normally, it's slightly more subtle than that.

Speaker 181 Normally, they ask and then they sit there, and you can see them going, when's my turn?

Speaker 177 But that's brilliant just to go, have you ever done this?

Speaker 119 I have.

Speaker 37 It's like the worst thing to do on a date, isn't it?

Speaker 59 Would you burn?

Speaker 37 So when I split up with my ex,

Speaker 37 I had a box of stuff from our relationship. And you know, it's really hard

Speaker 122 to.

Speaker 67 And your ex was Claire Ward, right?

Speaker 59 Let's be clear. It's not Claire Ward.

Speaker 67 Burnt everything apart from the cookbook she gave you?

Speaker 4 No,

Speaker 37 it was a man

Speaker 37 who's, you know, very nice. It didn't work out.
And he'd given me.

Speaker 63 So because he didn't work out, you broke up with him.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 181 Very body-shaming of you.

Speaker 183 Didn't work out.

Speaker 7 It was very nice,

Speaker 26 but I did build a bonfire and put all of his belongings in it.

Speaker 117 so it was a very it was a

Speaker 74 it was a mutual breakup and I wish him well

Speaker 37 so a it wasn't a bonfire it was a pre-existing expensive barbecue

Speaker 37 and B it wasn't immediate so we'd split up for like eight or nine months my I'd said it's too painful to

Speaker 59 be healthier if it was just a split, I fucking ate you, eight or nine months of stewing and then like, I'm gonna put it on a a barbecue.

Speaker 66 Sorry though, carry on.

Speaker 37 So the reason it was eight or nine months later was because when we first split up it was too painful to burn everything on the barbecue.

Speaker 37 It was too painful to get rid of everything

Speaker 37 and I didn't want to look at it but I didn't want to throw it away because I was like I need to wait till I've properly got over this.

Speaker 37 So my friend said, put it in a shoebox in the top of the wardrobe, right? Yeah. So, I did that.

Speaker 37 And then, about eight or nine months later, she was like, I think you're ready to let go of this relationship, but you need to get rid of the stuff.

Speaker 37 And I was like, It feels too weird to give it away because it holds so much,

Speaker 37 you know, emotion.

Speaker 170 Yeah, and putting it in the bin is mad.

Speaker 64 Be insane to just put it in the wheelie bin.

Speaker 143 You don't want to be one of those crazy bin ladies.

Speaker 57 Exactly.

Speaker 169 So, yeah,

Speaker 37 she just said, burn it on the barbecue, and it'll be like symbolic as well, because

Speaker 37 it'll be like you're letting go. So, I lived at that point in Camberwell in a flat chair, and my housemate had a really nice, expensive barbecue on the balcony.

Speaker 37 And we laid all the stuff in a big pile on top of the barbecue, and it was like a teddy bear.

Speaker 26 It's too weird to give this stuff away.

Speaker 184 Light of fluid all over a tip.

Speaker 107 Eight or nine months later.

Speaker 56 Is the teddy bear going on first, the sort of kindling?

Speaker 37 So the teddy bear went on first.

Speaker 37 That was like a piece of paper that we'd played a game of hangman on at the airport that I'd kept. Right.

Speaker 55 Weirder that you kept that than you burnt it, I'd say.

Speaker 51 Poor guy.

Speaker 68 Thrashed him.

Speaker 117 Keep that, always remember.

Speaker 59 Handed him his own ass, a hangman.

Speaker 179 Oh, look at that. That man doesn't look like he's doing okay, does it?

Speaker 59 I guess someone doesn't know the word onomatopoeia.

Speaker 59 Fuck you.

Speaker 54 Keep this in my pocket until we break up and then I'm going to burn it.

Speaker 37 The reason I had that was because we decided to go to the airport on New Year's Eve and say destination anywhere

Speaker 37 and see what happened. But we went to Gatwick at like 7 p.m.
on New Year's Eve and there was only one flight and it was to Cameroon.

Speaker 37 They said it's quite a long flight. You'll be in the air at midnight and have you had your jabs

Speaker 37 and we said no

Speaker 37 and then they said well there's no more flights so we went to the pub in Gatwick Airport

Speaker 37 and we played hangman and we also chatted to pilots children who were waiting for their parents to finish work so they could celebrate New Year's Eve.

Speaker 47 They were the only people in old airport.

Speaker 4 And one of them gave you a teddy bear.

Speaker 185 No, that would have been brilliant.

Speaker 37 The teddy bear was. I think the teddy bear was just like a joke present.
I think in any relationship, a teddy bear's given, isn't it? No.

Speaker 26 It's nice thinking about doing a live one. We don't have to answer all the questions like that for putting that situation.

Speaker 169 I'm thinking, how do I break this to Izzy then?

Speaker 59 That's not.

Speaker 35 No.

Speaker 169 Whoever said it, no regard for your feelings.

Speaker 179 No.

Speaker 35 Fuck.

Speaker 68 Teddy bear. You burnt it all.

Speaker 140 Teddy bear.

Speaker 59 Hangman. Yeah.

Speaker 37 Some clothes. Sure.
Other bits of paper that were meaningful, like letters and stuff.

Speaker 65 Someone knows what was in there, about

Speaker 184 he's here tonight.

Speaker 35 My fucking Final Facts as well.

Speaker 178 But you'll never return.

Speaker 35 I think.

Speaker 180 We got a hard out tonight.

Speaker 169 Because we haven't even started the menu yet.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 39 I think technically we've got 40 minutes left.

Speaker 51 This is like the reverse of Ackroyd.

Speaker 184 I'm throwing those in every time for the hardcore as I don't care.

Speaker 187 I'll do it.

Speaker 55 I'll keep doing it.

Speaker 55 Good luck with your friends.

Speaker 59 Thank you.

Speaker 183 Thank you for wishing us luck with our project.

Speaker 181 Anything else go on the barbecue?

Speaker 37 Two books.

Speaker 37 Patch 22 and a snoopy book.

Speaker 35 Fucking hell.

Speaker 177 A lot of this is just stuff you could have donated to a local children's hospital.

Speaker 37 Well, I know, but they had dedications in them and stuff. Oh, right.

Speaker 56 Yeah.

Speaker 68 Really says a lot about this guy, really paints a vivid picture of him.

Speaker 182 Catch 22 and Snoopy.

Speaker 64 What a range.

Speaker 37 It's the whole gambit.

Speaker 37 So we put them all on there. A guy who was just living there temporarily

Speaker 37 poured salt and wine on it and said said a kind of prayer.

Speaker 75 What the fuck was the prayer?

Speaker 35 What was the prayer?

Speaker 37 It was like gods receive these gifts.

Speaker 37 Grant Izzy the emotional freedom to move on, stuff like that.

Speaker 59 Yeah, and then

Speaker 181 he stabbed the teddy in the side and the juices ran clear.

Speaker 26 I love gods receive these gifts.

Speaker 59 I've got you a present.

Speaker 179 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 59 Well, I'm a god, so this is gonna be pretty impressive.

Speaker 67 What have you got me?

Speaker 68 It's a finished game of hangman that I did in a

Speaker 179 in an airport.

Speaker 51 Merry Christmas, God.

Speaker 179 Are you a Snoopy fan?

Speaker 14 She said the prayer.

Speaker 26 Gods receive these gifts.

Speaker 37 Yeah, set it alight. Yeah.
Must have poured lighter fluid on it or something as well. Set it alight, and it burned really majestically for a little while and then it quite quickly it

Speaker 37 stopped burning like everything

Speaker 37 would burn really quickly and we were like cheering and stuff

Speaker 140 the guy who said the prayer losing his shit

Speaker 179 absolutely loving burning someone else's stuff.

Speaker 12 And this guy was only I want to talk a little bit more about this guy because he was only living there temporarily.

Speaker 56 So you didn't really know him.

Speaker 118 How quickly was he convinced into this, and how quickly did he suggest pouring salt and wine onto it?

Speaker 37 He was really into it.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 37 Like, so I knew him from college,

Speaker 37 but he was only living there temporarily.

Speaker 37 And I feel like he shouldn't have had as much of a stake in it as he did.

Speaker 37 I should mention the guy who owned the barbecue on the flat was out.

Speaker 35 of course, yeah.

Speaker 68 And the guy said the prayer: is he just someone who was always, you know, people knew if you need that kind of service, you can call on him, be like, Yeah, he's just a very spiritual person, yeah, yeah, spiritual guy.

Speaker 75 It dies down really quick, dies down really quickly, and then I realize that something's wrong.

Speaker 181 It's only at this point you realize there was something wrong.

Speaker 35 Hold on, guys,

Speaker 68 not a raging fire fire anymore and I've suddenly sobered up and seen what would become.

Speaker 37 So I get towards the barbecue and everything's gone but the teddy bear is like crucified in the position of Jesus and like melted onto the grill of the barbecue and like dripping down into the barbecue.

Speaker 37 It was so like it was like a I don't know an image of Christ. It was

Speaker 37 So the bottom line is, I had to buy Steven New Barbecue and it was £70.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 184 I got images of like you guys around the barbecue and it's all charred and the bear is just melting through it.

Speaker 179 And that somewhere your ex-boyfriend was just walking around just going.

Speaker 68 I hope he's doing good actually. I feel like

Speaker 59 I'm in a good place right now and I think the breakup is for the best.

Speaker 65 And I think this space has really done us good.

Speaker 161 So, like, nah,

Speaker 68 I'm sure she's in a good place right now.

Speaker 68 I had to buy a new barbecue because

Speaker 59 the bear is dripping through the slots.

Speaker 68 Still all sparkling water.

Speaker 90 I did, this is maybe too much information, but this is the time for it, isn't it?

Speaker 90 Maybe I shouldn't tell the story, but I did. Let me just say I had to, I was bordering on having,

Speaker 63 no, I don't know if I wanted to talk about this.

Speaker 184 Well, I guess we'll all go home and just imagine what it was forever.

Speaker 59 But at the minute, we're all thinking it was a wang.

Speaker 123 Let's be coy about that.

Speaker 181 You're like, whoa, if I've paid 700 quid, I'll fucking do it in the middle of the restaurant.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 65 Again, my money's worth, excuse me.

Speaker 117 There's There's your tip.

Speaker 90 Let's just say frequent toilet trips were needed.

Speaker 59 Yes.

Speaker 90 And like, because I was in the States, emodium was needed.

Speaker 87 But here's the thing.

Speaker 59 Right.

Speaker 181 I'm so glad you said emodium, because for a second it sounded like you were doing a lot of Coke.

Speaker 119 It would also have the same effect.

Speaker 123 And Patrick Bateman would be proud of me.

Speaker 90 Let's go for the full American psycho effect.

Speaker 90 Take a lot of Coke before dinner.

Speaker 90 Kill a prostitute after dinner.

Speaker 90 no the thing was is that like I knew going in I was ill but I'd it was Christmas Eve I'd booked you know it was difficult to get a table there this story is bleak meeting other friends

Speaker 169 Christmas Eve shit in your pants and you go and spend 700 quid on a meal

Speaker 90 but it was I just had that kind of I felt like probably I just like looked kind of you know kind of grey and sweaty for the entire meal but it was that thing it was like Christmas Eve and we booked a table I couldn't like you know kind of pull a sickie so I suffered through it and it was nice but that's maybe why I don't remember it as one of the being the best meals

Speaker 59 sounds bleak yeah I mean was it the family no it was just friends I so want to know who was there any celebs there because if it was Christmas Eve I really want to know what celebs you're hanging out with on Christmas Eve.

Speaker 90 It was Ryan Johnson who was having dinner with and his wife Karina Longworth, another podcast extraordinaire.

Speaker 90 I think I tried to keep it secret that I was ill and then it was very clear I was not not well back and forth and really struggling.

Speaker 90 Once you've done seven trips to the toilet during the meals, obviously something is that, or like you said, big cokehead.

Speaker 181 How many courses was

Speaker 90 taking going to the bathroom seven times to take coke would have been less embarrassing than essentially having diarrhea.

Speaker 68 Yeah.

Speaker 65 I just like the thought of you trying to style it out though.

Speaker 119 Seven trips to the bathroom still trying to come back.

Speaker 65 Tidings of comfort and joy, everybody.

Speaker 25 God bless us, everyone.

Speaker 181 Were you shitting as the time crossed from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day?

Speaker 178 It'd be more of a.

Speaker 35 That's the question.

Speaker 150 I don't think so.

Speaker 90 I would have liked to have done that on New Year's Eve.

Speaker 117 Oh, that's good.

Speaker 58 That would have been good.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 90 Than to kind of, you know, it would have then kind of crossed two calendar years.

Speaker 181 Do you want to know the worst calendar year crossing of my life?

Speaker 68 Do it.

Speaker 181 It was many, many years ago.

Speaker 182 I can't believe I'm saying this out loud.

Speaker 179 Everyone's having those moments tonight apart from I am coming out of this squeaky clean.

Speaker 181 As it crossed from one year to the other and I didn't realize that this was the time one of my friends had decided to show me two girls one cup on his phone.

Speaker 181 It's actually quite similar to your Christmas Eve.

Speaker 90 You now have to share a story where you've been violently ill in a restaurant.

Speaker 67 Yeah, well,

Speaker 68 I've never shit myself in a restaurant.

Speaker 59 It's fine.

Speaker 128 I didn't actually do it.

Speaker 184 Yeah, I shit myself in a steakhouse in New York, in LA.

Speaker 184 Good times.

Speaker 31 Well, there we go.

Speaker 48 Bleasdale.

Speaker 12 We're straight in.

Speaker 1 There we are.

Speaker 31 So

Speaker 1 we're all aware of Bleasedale, the little punk who writes in suggestions for secret ingredients. And James likes saying his name so much much that he's become a character.

Speaker 39 I've enjoyed it, Ed.

Speaker 19 And also, though, what makes it even more fun is knowing that the more attention that we give this gentleman, the more in danger we are of it turning into an actual problem for us.

Speaker 32 Like

Speaker 19 he might start being weird or something.

Speaker 32 And I love, the more I say Bleasdale, the more I know I'm inviting trouble.

Speaker 1 But hopefully he won't get too big for his boots. It might have started to happen, but, you know, luckily at the live show, we cut him down to size.

Speaker 1 Let's have a little listen to the first ever Bleasedale chant from the Tanya Moore episode and also Bleasdale taking his medicine at the live show.

Speaker 33 We met him at the live show, Beber.

Speaker 1 As always, there is a secret ingredient. If she says it, she's gone.
She's out of here.

Speaker 2 We don't care how funny she is.

Speaker 14 She's gone.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 1 And the secret ingredient this week is

Speaker 31 dark fruit cider.

Speaker 1 This was suggested by a listener. I'm not really a dark fruit cider slash cider guy at all, really.

Speaker 1 No, you know i don't drink much cider uh generally speaking but um when the dark fruit ciders come out or any of the fruit ciders came out i was like i bet this would be right up my street this would be delicious i've got a sweet tooth disgusted really because i would say any side they do like weird like salted caramel ciders and stuff and i would have thought that's that's so up your street to sickly man i've got a sweet tooth not a sickly tooth uh that was suggested by joe bleasdale on twitter thank you very much joe wonderful suggestion

Speaker 1 If you would like to suggest a secret ingredient.

Speaker 28 Try and say that.

Speaker 87 It's really fun for us to do.

Speaker 10 You can go on our Twitter off the new official on Twitter.

Speaker 1 You too can have your name shouted in a sort of football chant by James.

Speaker 31 Bleased!

Speaker 25 Bleased!

Speaker 1 It's a lot of fun.

Speaker 47 It does feel nice to say it like that.

Speaker 28 I bet Bleasedale's done that himself.

Speaker 1 Bleasedale's over the moon with that.

Speaker 86 I bet he said that in the past.

Speaker 42 I bet he's like, oh yeah, they're doing what I do when I say my name.

Speaker 10 Yeah, Blues Dale.

Speaker 1 What do you think if, like, in a sort of scenario where everyone's like, who's here?

Speaker 10 Who's in the room? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Blues Dale.

Speaker 10 He does it to Vladimir.

Speaker 89 Blues Dale.

Speaker 23 And they're like, yeah, there he is.

Speaker 14 Or other people are shouting that to him across the street.

Speaker 91 Blues Dale.

Speaker 95 It feels good to say it.

Speaker 31 It does feel good.

Speaker 1 Well, thank you, Blues Dale.

Speaker 1 Like I say, if you've got your own secret ingredient, at Off Menu Official on Twitter, it's the place to go.

Speaker 184 Every single episode of Off Menu, we always have a secret ingredient.

Speaker 71 Oh, yeah, good point.

Speaker 184 And if the guest says it, we kick them out of the dream restaurant. Now, our guest currently can't hear what's going on.
We've made sure that she's got headphones on playing music.

Speaker 184 So, we're going to let you guys decide what the secret ingredient is for the end.

Speaker 177 Genuine excitement, you sad fuckers.

Speaker 179 Look who's finally shown up.

Speaker 107 Oh, now you're excited.

Speaker 67 No.

Speaker 179 Let's see.

Speaker 131 What would you guys and it's

Speaker 51 I didn't think it through.

Speaker 51 No.

Speaker 179 I'm holding my hands up there. That's my fault.

Speaker 169 I think we're going to have to do a polite show of hands and then we're going to go bam, bam, bam.

Speaker 68 And I was already official.

Speaker 68 And there you're like, well, that's not fair.

Speaker 59 Bleasedale is here, though, isn't he?

Speaker 67 Huh?

Speaker 67 Bleesdale. Bleesdale.

Speaker 67 Bleased.

Speaker 67 Bleasdale.

Speaker 67 Blade Dale.

Speaker 67 Blaisdale!

Speaker 67 Blaisdale!

Speaker 118 Sit down, Blaisdell. Come on, mate.

Speaker 180 Blaisdale in the flesh.

Speaker 118 A lovely moment there where Blaisde stood up and then was waving and everyone's going mad and he just took his mask off as they say, it is me. It is

Speaker 180 really.

Speaker 59 I'm pretty sure this makes me part of the show now.

Speaker 35 Mask off.

Speaker 132 Blaisedale!

Speaker 167 Blaisdale's here.

Speaker 177 Blaisdale,

Speaker 181 if you've got an idea for a secret ingredient that we can do tonight, Bleasedale, I think that would be a very special moment.

Speaker 184 Again, for those of you who don't know,

Speaker 184 there has been some episodes of the podcast where we have had suggestions from the public as to what the secret ingredient should be.

Speaker 184 Bleasdale suggested one once, and I really enjoyed shouting his name repeatedly.

Speaker 184 And since then, everyone who's recommended something for the podcast, Foodwise, Secret Ingredients Wise, has been called Bleasdale.

Speaker 181 Any ideas, Bleasedale?

Speaker 150 patron peppers patron peppers go fuck yourself pleasedale they're delicious they're nice

Speaker 75 what the fuck pleased

Speaker 25 how the mighty have fallen

Speaker 59 pleasedale what the fuck has happened you you knew you were coming here tonight you must have known this was an option this was going to happen at some point you chose patch and peppers why don't you like them

Speaker 119 too slimy too slimy how the fuck are you cooking them

Speaker 68 it shouldn't be slimy you're thinking

Speaker 130 man

Speaker 184 maybe i've only had bad ones, but. Maybe you've only had bad paddies.

Speaker 64 Where have you had your paddy pets?

Speaker 184 Where have you been to?

Speaker 26 Where have you been to get them?

Speaker 61 Amazingly, in Spain.

Speaker 68 In Spain?

Speaker 51 Well, Bleasdale's a racist.

Speaker 35 Hates

Speaker 179 the local cuisine of wherever he goes on holiday.

Speaker 179 Absolutely, can't believe this has happened. Bleasdale.
This is ugly. It's turned ugly fast.

Speaker 23 Oh, that is a real shame from Bleasdale there.

Speaker 11 Oh, dear.

Speaker 1 Well, sorry to sour this best of episode.

Speaker 60 That's a shame.

Speaker 11 Oh, dear. Bleasdale.

Speaker 1 Let yourself down.

Speaker 1 Let's try and win things back round, James, because not only did we do our first live shows, we did do some live streams from our homes.

Speaker 1 We had two virtual redemption dinner parties where we invited back old guests who'd messed up their menu or said something controversial and gave them a chance to change their menus.

Speaker 93 So many people watch them all across the world on the live stream.

Speaker 1 And on the second one, this is probably my favorite off-menu moment of the year, Ivo Graham got pranked. Ivo Graham was staying in a hotel.

Speaker 1 He mentioned where he was staying, and this is what happened.

Speaker 189 His dessert. Ladies and gentlemen, the final guest of the Off-Menu Redemption Dinner Party.

Speaker 141 A true little shit.

Speaker 21 A true little shit.

Speaker 189 It's Ivo Graham.

Speaker 21 Ivo.

Speaker 135 Oh, boys.

Speaker 136 I can't believe I've made it.

Speaker 191 You didn't think I was going to make it. I didn't think I was going to make it.

Speaker 189 Ivo is classically the latest man in comedy.

Speaker 191 Getting a train to a live stream.

Speaker 190 Yeah.

Speaker 189 And as soon as we asked Ivo to do it, we heard back that, yes, I can do it, but I'm getting it. Where are you, Ivo?

Speaker 193 I'm in Hull.

Speaker 190 I'm in the double tree by Hilton.

Speaker 185 I can't believe it.

Speaker 193 And I'm in Hull.

Speaker 135 I'm in a hotel room.

Speaker 193 I've got the stuff.

Speaker 135 You little shit.

Speaker 189 Not only are you on time, you're in your hotel room, you've also managed to go to the shops to buy the stuff.

Speaker 191 So the question is, am I going to slice the banana into the oak valley?

Speaker 189 How do you normally do it at the Graham Half?

Speaker 193 Well, obviously at the Graham Half, there's a bowl, but luxury has not been afforded me by the Double Tree by Hilton. It's not, can I say your father's first name?

Speaker 193 It's not me.

Speaker 193 I can't believe I'm getting a call.

Speaker 190 Right, right.

Speaker 125 Obviously, Dave Windows, obviously, obviously answer it.

Speaker 192 I mean, is that someone you've said the hotel you're in?

Speaker 131 Who has said the hotel he's in?

Speaker 190 Please, please let it be someone watching.

Speaker 196 Somebody's telling him to go fuck himself because he's eating bananas and yogurt.

Speaker 136 Also, if it isn't, we've just given a load of people an idea.

Speaker 196 Yeah.

Speaker 195 They can phone his hotel room and say

Speaker 135 you're a little shit for eating that yogurt and bananas.

Speaker 190 Double tree

Speaker 21 in hull and ask for ivo crimes

Speaker 131 i've just yeah hang um hang on one second it's in hull for no reason

Speaker 193 someone it's not ideal someone call the hotel asking for me and you've got to suspect it's someone who's watching the live stream

Speaker 189 ivo definitely answer the call mate

Speaker 144 answer the call ivo oh you can't hear us i don't know why i mean at the moment there's more more and more calls coming through. Yeah, I mean, cover me jammed.

Speaker 195 The old circuit board at the hotel is smoking.

Speaker 135 It's going to be completely going nuts.

Speaker 195 Someone in Hull is making their way over there in a cab.

Speaker 189 Oh, this is oh, this is better than him being late.

Speaker 135 Yeah, this is absolutely perfect.

Speaker 195 His whole life is ruined now. He's not going to get a week's sleep tonight.

Speaker 131 He's going to be absolutely knackered when he goes to interview Dean Wingas because he's been fielding phone calls about banana yogurt all the way through the night.

Speaker 189 There's going to be 40 pots of yo value left at reception.

Speaker 135 Right, they're they're getting put through.

Speaker 194 You're going to have to stop yabbering chats because it's very distracting.

Speaker 125 Yes, put them on speaker.

Speaker 135 I think it sounds like I've just said to the receptionist to stop yabbering.

Speaker 195 With your voice, she probably expects that kind of stuff.

Speaker 194 Hang on a second, I've just put you on speaker. Can you say it again?

Speaker 116 That's something we said 20 20 seconds ago.

Speaker 135 They're talking about Dean Windas.

Speaker 194 It's very stressful.

Speaker 136 I really can't tell if

Speaker 190 this is a prank from an off-menu listener or someone from the play industry.

Speaker 189 They're playing the live stream down the phone to you, mate.

Speaker 195 Yeah, literally seeming to somehow...

Speaker 195 It feels like a Christopher Nolan film.

Speaker 197 It's very stressful. It's me from the past ringing you.

Speaker 125 He's hanging up here.

Speaker 191 I should never have revealed the hotel.

Speaker 48 Yeah, well,

Speaker 195 I wouldn't bother making the walk back to the yoga because you know it's about to ring again in a second.

Speaker 197 Yeah.

Speaker 136 I've hung up and it literally hasn't disconnected.

Speaker 190 Yeah. They're still talking.

Speaker 192 Those phone calls will be in a queue right now.

Speaker 195 I think you're in for quite the night, even after this live stream is finished.

Speaker 197 You might go take that phone off the hook.

Speaker 189 See, this is what happens when you arrive on time.

Speaker 48 No.

Speaker 196 Literally,

Speaker 90 what is going to happen?

Speaker 90 I think you know.

Speaker 189 You know what's going to happen, mate.

Speaker 190 If anyone lives in...

Speaker 195 You're so excited about being on time that you announced your whereabouts.

Speaker 193 You're so

Speaker 195 chuffed with yourself. You're like, here I am.

Speaker 193 I made it to the Double Trade Hilton in Hull.

Speaker 192 You know what?

Speaker 191 Did you hear what they said?

Speaker 196 No, what they're saying.

Speaker 191 They couldn't believe I was putting banana in your valley yogurt.

Speaker 67 Yeah. What you're doing.

Speaker 72 He's got all the

Speaker 21 way to hull.

Speaker 135 Yeah.

Speaker 135 My way to hull.

Speaker 190 Right.

Speaker 191 I'm afraid I can't.

Speaker 193 Yes, you can, Ivo.

Speaker 135 You can. Is that so?

Speaker 136 Ivo. Would you apologise to him?

Speaker 74 Thank you very much.

Speaker 196 Don't apologise.

Speaker 21 Oh, I.

Speaker 189 I'm glad. Because if that happens again, I'm going to die.

Speaker 196 Why didn't you take the phone call?

Speaker 144 Because I thought it was important to shut down this whole phony the dumb

Speaker 191 lady putting me through did not sound hugely chuffed about this whole thing either to me.

Speaker 192 No, I'm imagining she's having some pick and choose at this point.

Speaker 195 Yeah, well she's she's probably learnt what your dream dessert is and isn't too happy with you.

Speaker 189 I'm now imagining like one of those old old style switchboard ladies just being like, okay, I'll transfer you.

Speaker 21 I'll transfer you. I've upgraded him, yeah.

Speaker 67 Oh, boy.

Speaker 116 Oh, man.

Speaker 136 That person was called Mr. Pearson.

Speaker 191 So apologies to Mr.

Speaker 136 Pearce.

Speaker 190 Mr. Pearce?

Speaker 195 Who shall I say it's calling?

Speaker 125 It's Mr.

Speaker 135 Pearce. It's Mr.

Speaker 190 Pearson.

Speaker 67 Please, Mr.

Speaker 141 Pearce.

Speaker 189 Address me by my proper title. I'm calling someone I've seen on a live stream to ask them about their yogurt in a mug.

Speaker 21 Please call me Mr. Pearson.

Speaker 197 If you please.

Speaker 134 I wouldn't

Speaker 131 bananas in yogurt.

Speaker 12 I hate rice pudding.

Speaker 193 Yeah, ambrosia rice pudding.

Speaker 189 No, I hate rice pudding. I think, why are you having a pile of rice for dessert?

Speaker 163 No, sir.

Speaker 190 No, thank you.

Speaker 195 I still wouldn't have it as a dream dessert.

Speaker 125 Don't get me wrong.

Speaker 131 Yeah, when BCM chose it, I was pretty angry.

Speaker 21 But that sounds like the sort of thing that I

Speaker 12 at boarding school would be like rice pudding on Wednesdays, and all the boys would.

Speaker 12 Hello.

Speaker 61 Mr. Pearson?

Speaker 21 Is it Mr. Pearson?

Speaker 61 Mr. Pearson's back.

Speaker 194 Yes.

Speaker 125 I'm very sorry. I think I've

Speaker 12 tell the receptionist that you've announced where you are on the live stream.

Speaker 197 No, unfortunately, I've been the victim of a prank.

Speaker 197 The

Speaker 190 I'm afraid I'm just ranting my corpse trouser press.

Speaker 48 Did you get done?

Speaker 192 Yeah, it's it's yeah

Speaker 193 I'd say

Speaker 194 phone call one, the intermediary was um enthusiastic and helpful

Speaker 194 phone two phone call two was a little confused and we're we're definitely in in terse now

Speaker 136 so it would it really would be absolutely fantastic yeah

Speaker 189 i know i agree it would be fantastic but

Speaker 192 conversely there's many fantastic options in front of people no come on yes

Speaker 194 i mean absolutely it would be good for you if people stopped doing it

Speaker 136 It's not about me.

Speaker 193 I'll sit up all night taking the calls. Oh, don't say that.

Speaker 193 You know,

Speaker 190 I will.

Speaker 135 Oh, no.

Speaker 189 I'm afraid I've been the victim of a prank.

Speaker 135 I'm afraid I've been the victim of a prank.

Speaker 192 It is the most Alan Partridge thing I've ever seen.

Speaker 194 You know, the most pathetic thing is, well, you can choose from your own selection, I'm sure.

Speaker 136 But in my mind, the most pathetic and vain thing was

Speaker 194 that I shaved my beard today for the first time in about 14 months.

Speaker 71 And I thought, well, maybe that'll be a talking point on the live stream.

Speaker 199 No room.

Speaker 21 No.

Speaker 71 No room for anything.

Speaker 144 Very nice.

Speaker 193 Thanks for having me.

Speaker 135 I feel sick.

Speaker 192 If you like that Iva shaved his beard and you think he looks nice, you know how to get in contact with him.

Speaker 91 Oh, man.

Speaker 28 The victim of a prank.

Speaker 10 Bad luck, Ivo.

Speaker 1 Oh, dear me. I mean, I don't remember laughing more than that this year.
So, thanks. Thanks for that, Ivo.

Speaker 14 And you know what?

Speaker 1 Just in case you saw Ivo hasn't had it in the neck enough in this best of episode, here's a little clip of Jack D bit being horrible to him.

Speaker 47 Go get him, Jack.

Speaker 66 Do you like curry though?

Speaker 187 I love curry. Do you like the smell of curry Jack?

Speaker 187 Um I like the smell of it when I'm cooking it.

Speaker 74 Do you like the smell of curry when you're performing, when you're on stage?

Speaker 55 Oh I know where this is going.

Speaker 141 I know where this is going.

Speaker 134 Yeah yeah yeah.

Speaker 187 This was

Speaker 187 do you know that that

Speaker 187 Ivo Graham.

Speaker 57 Yeah yes.

Speaker 178 Right.

Speaker 134 He's a comedian.

Speaker 55 He's a right bastard.

Speaker 187 And he was doing my support on a little bit of a warm-up tour that I was doing about four years, three or four years ago.

Speaker 187 In fact, no, we were sort of spitting the bill because we were both trying out new material, but technically he was my support on that.

Speaker 187 And he'd done a support in this little theatre in Hayward's Heath or somewhere like that.

Speaker 141 And then I was on stage,

Speaker 187 you know, doing my shtick and talking and, you know, having a...

Speaker 187 And I could suddenly smell curry.

Speaker 187 and I thought what's going on and I said to the audience anyone else smell curry and I I looked in the wings and what it was was Ivo Graham had set himself up with a little table and a full-bloody curry while he was watching my show from the from the wings and he he's telling that story like it was a good thing that he did

Speaker 141 without realizing you know that

Speaker 187 and then another one he didn't even turn up on time

Speaker 187 so I ended up being his support act Yeah, yeah, so I warmed him up, and then he arrives like some, you know, some big diva with a big fur coat on, and you know, and I, and uh, I had to sort of get the train home while he had a great time with the audience, that I just warmed up for him.

Speaker 165 You didn't think to order a takeaway and eat it in the wings.

Speaker 187 I should have thought if I'd been quick enough thinking or vindictive enough, that is exactly what I would have done.

Speaker 187 But I didn't, no, but he's yeah, I believe actually, according to Ivo, what you said, you didn't say, Can anyone smell curry, you said, Can anyone smell cuppa soup?

Speaker 141 Ah, well, I'll tell you why.

Speaker 187 I would have confused that because nearly all theatres backstage smell of cuppa soup.

Speaker 59 That's right, that's such a good observation.

Speaker 187 They do smell of cuppa soup and microwaved ready meals that the crew get ready for themselves.

Speaker 163 Christ knows what their colons are like, but those places stink of that stuff.

Speaker 187 And it's partly why I can't eat it. I cannot eat that stuff.

Speaker 21 You can't eat cuppa soup.

Speaker 187 Can't eat any of that stuff that's got all those dry ingredients in any powdered garlic and stuff. It makes you feel sick to smell it.

Speaker 47 Yep, that sounds pretty unprofessional from Ivo there.

Speaker 23 He deserved everything he got from Jack D.

Speaker 95 Good on you, Jackie boy.

Speaker 1 But of course, this year we haven't forgotten what this podcast is really about, James.

Speaker 41 Food? No.

Speaker 93 Pee pee, poo-poo, and von vom.

Speaker 15 Yep, that's exactly what it's about.

Speaker 33 Doing peas, doing poos, and puking out your mouth. That's what people love talking about.

Speaker 20 We never stir it in that direction.

Speaker 14 It's not our fault.

Speaker 93 No, because you can't have food or drink without pee-pee, poo-poo, or von vom.

Speaker 15 And you can't have pee-pee, poo-poo, or von vom without Anne-Marie, Bridget Christie, Ed Sheeran, Sarah Kendall, Anne-Marie again, and Emily Haytak.

Speaker 29 But what is it that you love about quinoa so much?

Speaker 45 Because a lot of people might be listening to this going, How, how can someone have quinoa as one of their choices?

Speaker 101 I just

Speaker 174 love it, it's like rice, but less ricey.

Speaker 132 There you go.

Speaker 1 If anyone from the quinoa marketing board is listening, we've just found your new slogan.

Speaker 14 I think James has found what he wants painted as well.

Speaker 127 If you could paint quinoa, like rice but less ricey.

Speaker 74 Yo.

Speaker 109 Oh, I would love that as a quote.

Speaker 73 I would put that on my wall.

Speaker 202 And also, it fascinated me. This is disgusting.
But the first time I ate quinoa and I went to the toilet, it was still fully quinoa.

Speaker 91 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And that made you think, I'm going to prep this for the week.

Speaker 202 It just fascinated me. It's the first thing I'd seen.

Speaker 85 How hadn't.

Speaker 105 No, no, no, I don't think that.

Speaker 85 I can't see that happening.

Speaker 95 It comes out the same as it goes in.

Speaker 14 I've never known anyone. It does.

Speaker 83 It does.

Speaker 104 Are you chewing?

Speaker 5 Are you just swallowing things like a big python?

Speaker 1 I couldn't believe that there was a whole button out of squash in there as well.

Speaker 100 I mean, what?

Speaker 45 You looked back in the bowl and it was just like someone had emptied a bowl of quinoa in there.

Speaker 87 That's all it looked like.

Speaker 202 No, I'd eaten other things that day, obviously, so it was still normal. And then there was just quinoa there as well.

Speaker 202 I've never told anyone this.

Speaker 69 No.

Speaker 1 I think what I'm interested in is that leap then from you seeing that the first time and then going, God, I think I like quinoa even more now.

Speaker 10 Yeah. I know.
Oh, this is great. What a wheel.

Speaker 31 You feel like great.

Speaker 5 I'm going to have some more quinoa. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Does it, does it, does it appeal to you?

Speaker 8 Because do you think, oh, this means that if I'm ever sick from quinoa, it will just come out the same and it won't make me feel, it won't look like a horrible big pile of sick, it'll just look like a lovely bowl of quinoa when it comes out my mouth.

Speaker 31 Well, get this.

Speaker 202 I went to a hypnotherapist about my phobia and I said to her, because when I feel sick, I have to do this thing where I'm like, please go down and come out the other end.

Speaker 202 like please I'd rather poo myself in public than be sick anywhere and so I

Speaker 202 another quote for you

Speaker 202 I'd push it down like this in my brain I'd make myself do that instead of throw up

Speaker 202 and I went to the hypnotherapist and I was like is that actually real can I actually do that is that possible for me to my brain be that powerful to push it down instead of come out and she was like yeah

Speaker 1 yeah, I'd call that a waste of Jedi powers, is what I'd call that.

Speaker 32 Don't say you're on the you're on the voice, you're sitting in the chair.

Speaker 4 Would you rather, bearing in mind you're face of the audience in that chair, you would rather shit yourself in front of all of them

Speaker 63 than puke?

Speaker 18 What, what, I, yes, you would rather do that.

Speaker 10 You think that they would go home with more respect for you,

Speaker 174 definitely not, but I would be happier.

Speaker 12 Imagine if Tom Jones was sick though, just as he'd press the button to spin the chair around, it'd be like the Waltzers all over again.

Speaker 101 Oh my god.

Speaker 172 I can't even think about it.

Speaker 1 If Tom Jones was sick, would you respect him a little bit less? Yeah.

Speaker 31 No,

Speaker 174 I would just

Speaker 174 be out of the building.

Speaker 202 Like, when it's on TV, like say if like casualties on or something, and someone's sick, I run out of my house. Like, that's ridiculous.

Speaker 91 What if Tom Jones pressed the button to spin round and then it malfunctioned and then it just kept on spinning round and round and round?

Speaker 45 And Tom Jones was there screaming and being like, no, help me.

Speaker 100 And then he starts being sick while it's spinning.

Speaker 8 He's like the guy on the waltzes with his hand on his mouth and he's looking at you every time every time it comes round.

Speaker 81 He's looking at you with big stranger eyes.

Speaker 166 His eyes are getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

Speaker 13 He's asking you and helping.

Speaker 87 He's reaching out to you, helping me.

Speaker 40 I think I've found something that is unusual.

Speaker 202 Sometimes I have nightmares.

Speaker 202 They're quite regular. Someone comes up to me and says, Where's the toilet? I need to be sick.

Speaker 202 And I say, it's over there. And then I run away and they think I'm showing them to the toilet.

Speaker 10 And then they're running after me.

Speaker 174 Because we don't keep things like that.

Speaker 173 Lots of cultures, indigenous cultures, keep placentas and

Speaker 173 because they believe in like in the planet and stuff, and so they give something back to Mother Nature because they think they've been given life.

Speaker 173 So they plant it in the ground or they attach it to a tree and they sort of see it as giving something back. It's really amazing all that stuff.

Speaker 41 It would take to stumble across that tree on a walk.

Speaker 34 I'd be absolutely petrified.

Speaker 146 Imagine if you're taking a walk at night time and found the placenta tree.

Speaker 173 No, we just throw dog shit in them, don't we, instead?

Speaker 91 What, in the trees?

Speaker 173 Yeah, in bags. Have you not seen trees covered in plastic bags?

Speaker 172 No.

Speaker 91 Have you not? I've not seen a tree with a plastic bag full of dog shit.

Speaker 173 That's the...

Speaker 173 Have you ever been on a motorway?

Speaker 173 In a lay-by, look at the trees. People just...

Speaker 172 Or do you walk? Have you got a dog or anything?

Speaker 91 No.

Speaker 201 Right, maybe you've not noticed.

Speaker 173 Yeah, trees, I know.

Speaker 80 Back me up here, but

Speaker 173 I can't believe this. I can't believe you don't know how much people throw bags full of dog shit into trees.

Speaker 101 No, I've never seen it.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Neither of us has seen this.

Speaker 101 It's a thing. It's a thing.
Peter's shaking his head.

Speaker 173 Yeah, it's a thing. I think you're living very sheltered lives.

Speaker 63 I don't know.

Speaker 138 Maybe you're the one living quite a sordid life.

Speaker 173 It's not me.

Speaker 201 I haven't got a dog.

Speaker 203 I mean, I wouldn't do it. Also, it's like, why go to the bother of putting it in a dog bag?

Speaker 173 It's probably better to just let your dog foul, isn't it? Because of the plastic.

Speaker 47 Did you see one tree where this was the case?

Speaker 4 So have you seen it?

Speaker 10 Do you see it a lot?

Speaker 173 It's a thing, and you're going to get lots of calls about this, I imagine. Yeah, it's a thing that people do.
It is a blight on the countryside.

Speaker 80 Yes. And in parks.

Speaker 1 I believe you.

Speaker 10 I've just never seen one.

Speaker 173 Well, you're lucky.

Speaker 80 I wish that I had not seen it.

Speaker 96 Yeah.

Speaker 101 Imagine all the little birds that should be in the bag.

Speaker 54 They're pecking into them thinking.

Speaker 138 They've got a tree full of dog shit.

Speaker 173 Well, I don't think they'll be pecking into the bags, will they? What kind of birds do you know?

Speaker 91 Well, I don't know any birds, but.

Speaker 173 Well, they don't eat bags of dog shit.

Speaker 117 Yeah, but they might want to see what's in the bag.

Speaker 1 They might want to see what's in the bag, though.

Speaker 91 What kind of a bird is this?

Speaker 49 What kind of tree is this, you know?

Speaker 201 They're not going to pack a plastic bag.

Speaker 56 It's not going to do a bag that doesn't smell of.

Speaker 91 I grew up in London.

Speaker 25 I don't really know about nature.

Speaker 14 Would it pack a placenta?

Speaker 173 It might do, actually, because that's organic matter, isn't it, rather than a plastic bag?

Speaker 91 You'd hope so.

Speaker 138 Would you rather sleep on a pillow made of egg feathers or sleep on a pillow made of feathers that are from birds that exclusively?

Speaker 36 the feathers.

Speaker 36 Eggs don't grow feathers.

Speaker 79 Well,

Speaker 42 you're the one who said you sleeped in egg feathers earlier.

Speaker 25 Yeah, sorry.

Speaker 138 Would you rather sleep on a pillow full of egg feathers or sleep on a pillow full of feathers from birds that have exclusively been sitting in the dog shit tree?

Speaker 173 It wouldn't make any difference to me.

Speaker 31 No?

Speaker 201 No.

Speaker 138 Wouldn't they smell a bit of dog shit?

Speaker 80 No.

Speaker 173 Because the

Speaker 173 well, no. I mean, unless they had a bath in it, which they don't do,

Speaker 80 they, I mean, how would I know? We'd be able to tell you.

Speaker 69 We'd tell you at the end.

Speaker 173 Oh, you'd tell me.

Speaker 1 You'd have one night with you pick your pillow.

Speaker 172 Well, the little egg feathers, then, I think.

Speaker 91 Egg feathers, yeah, fair enough.

Speaker 138 If you had a pet bird and you bought it and you were really happy with it, you're excited, and you brought it home to your kids. Why are you shaking your head?

Speaker 14 Before we even got to.

Speaker 173 I can't even go to aviaries. It bothers me so much.
Oh, or zoos, I can't cope with cage, anything caged.

Speaker 138 Okay, well, it's not in a cage then.

Speaker 173 Oh, so I live on a huge estate and it just flies around.

Speaker 138 Flies around your house? Yeah.

Speaker 173 If it can come and go as it pleases,

Speaker 173 well, I've got three cats,

Speaker 201 so I wouldn't have a bird.

Speaker 8 But let's go.

Speaker 173 Let's just say they all get on.

Speaker 69 Your family love it.

Speaker 88 Yeah.

Speaker 69 Everyone loves it. Yeah.

Speaker 173 It can come and go as it pleases.

Speaker 14 So here's the catch.

Speaker 14 All it eats is bags of dog shit.

Speaker 201 Do I have

Speaker 34 to do this scenario?

Speaker 91 Correct.

Speaker 109 So everyone loves the bird.

Speaker 114 It comes and goes as it pleases.

Speaker 12 Sings so nicely.

Speaker 138 Sings a beautiful song every day.

Speaker 173 I'd have to say to it, there's a lady down the road who's got a dog.

Speaker 173 You'll have to eat there

Speaker 201 and then come back when you've finished and have a wash before you come back.

Speaker 12 I don't think, because I think then I could call, for example, the RSPB

Speaker 152 and say that Bridget's got a bird, but she's refusing to feed it.

Speaker 173 Hang on a sec. I've was given a scenario

Speaker 200 with no options or deviations.

Speaker 173 So I don't know why the RSPB are now getting

Speaker 44 because you're refusing to feed your birds.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not. Yes, you are, because it only eats dog shit and you're making something else that bags of dog shit and you're making something else.

Speaker 173 But we've come to an arrangement.

Speaker 79 If Polly

Speaker 173 then said, well, I'd rather eat here.

Speaker 173 I would say, well, we need to have a look at your diet then.

Speaker 71 I won an ice ice cream eating competition in America because of that.

Speaker 117 Tell us every single detail.

Speaker 25 Yes, I tell us this.

Speaker 111 How old were you?

Speaker 64 When was it?

Speaker 71 Where was it? I was 22.

Speaker 59 How many other people were in the competition?

Speaker 71 I was 22, and I was on tour with Taylor Swift, and she had invited my family to go and stay with her.

Speaker 182 How did she do in the ice cream eating competition?

Speaker 71 She played Eye of the Tiger over and over and over and was going, you can do it, you can do it.

Speaker 59 Okay,

Speaker 71 let me tell you the story. So we get, so my brother.

Speaker 8 Taylor Swift put all the ice cream in a blender and have it as a drink.

Speaker 71 A shake. My brother.
So she can shake it off, right? right here.

Speaker 59 My brother.

Speaker 75 Don't fist pop.

Speaker 73 Any questions for that one?

Speaker 34 No.

Speaker 59 Both of them are here.

Speaker 58 No, that's just putting them out there if you want to bump them. She's taking a bit of pop.
If you want to bump them, a bit of pop culture and a thing that people eat.

Speaker 25 If you want to bump them.

Speaker 59 Oh go on. Yeah.

Speaker 71 So she had invited us to her place in Rhode Island. So we got there and she said there's this great little ice cream place in the town.

Speaker 71 We went there and they had this ice cream eating competition called the Big Kahuna Challenge.

Speaker 71 And at this point, I'm, as you said like you finish everything on your plate and i was like i can do this yeah i know i can do this and it's something it was something crazy like two liters of ice cream yeah and i was like i can do that so i said we'll do it i'm there with taylor and my brother and they bring this ice cream out but you have to add toppings and i stupidly said gummy bears which are

Speaker 71 you know they're gonna they're gonna fill they're gonna fill you up so i start i start eating this thing and i get maybe a halfway through and i go man i'm killing this and then because it's taylor lots of fans started turning up so in the end there's like 20 or 30 young girls going you can do it Ed you can do it So I'm eating this thing I get to sort of three quarters and I start shivering and I'm like oh man This is actually really really fucked up and I'm there and I'm I'm shivering I've got like one and a half liters of ice cream in me with these with these gummy bears and I'm shivering but then I've got this the pressure of all these kids watching me and Taylor's playing I of the tiger and my brother like my brother still says to this to this to this day like and I've had a lot of achievements in my life my brother still says the proudest he's ever been of me is when I finish the big kahuna challenge.

Speaker 107 So I finish it, everyone's like, yay, and I go, I have to go to the toilet.

Speaker 71 And I go to the toilet, and when I say I projectile vomiting out of my nose, out of ice cream, and it's chocolate ice cream, it goes all over the floor of the toilet.

Speaker 56 And I'm like, man, there's 20 kids in here.

Speaker 107 They're going to come in here and think that I've shattered all over the floor.

Speaker 71 So then I had to clean it up.

Speaker 59 So I'm there wiping all this like melted ice cream.

Speaker 107 I was in there for probably like half an hour.

Speaker 34 Anyway, cleaned it all up.

Speaker 71 Went outside.

Speaker 71 Everyone's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah and um yeah i got a t-shirt they took my picture and they put it on the wall oh my god and i felt very proud to be on the wall i think lots of people have done the challenge now but at the time my stomach could take a lot and now it's um oh imagine being one of those gummy bears what a wild ride those guys went on

Speaker 59 if you're ever but if you're ever gonna do

Speaker 59 coming out of a blake's nose

Speaker 198 i wonder if i sweat so much because i've got so much hair on my head yeah you got a a lot of hair.

Speaker 153 Interesting.

Speaker 198 It might have pushed the thermostat above what it can tolerate.

Speaker 109 Well, I mean, while we're talking about this kind of stuff, and who knows how much of this is going to end up in the podcast, this is the most vile one we've ever done.

Speaker 14 But

Speaker 109 before we recorded, you went to the toilet.

Speaker 4 Did you?

Speaker 14 Then when I went, well, yeah, this is the thing.

Speaker 14 You went to the toilet for the amount of time that I would say.

Speaker 41 Takes a piss.

Speaker 75 I shit so fast.

Speaker 4 Already knew what I was going to ask.

Speaker 25 Yeah, yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 180 It's crazy.

Speaker 85 Everyone who's ever lived with with me are like, how did you just do it that fast?

Speaker 168 I'm like, not only do I shit fast, but I'd say I shit as often as I piss, but it's not diarrhoea.

Speaker 198 How incredible is that?

Speaker 4 But also, you do it out of your nose.

Speaker 138 Straight out the nostrils.

Speaker 91 That's chip. Yeah.

Speaker 198 I sneeze.

Speaker 10 You shit as often as you piss.

Speaker 37 No, look, that's a bit of hyperbole.

Speaker 95 I've never heard someone say with such pride, but it's not diarrhea.

Speaker 59 Whoa.

Speaker 59 But wait a second. It's not diarrhea.

Speaker 4 But it's not diarrhea.

Speaker 35 Diarrhea is a shortcut.

Speaker 185 I feel like diarrhea.

Speaker 188 For anyone who's like, I shit all the time, I'm like, yeah, but is it diarrhea?

Speaker 168 That doesn't count.

Speaker 89 I do healthy, well-formed stools, but frequently.

Speaker 43 But frequently.

Speaker 25 I think it's the fasting.

Speaker 54 Yeah, it must be.

Speaker 198 I think it's the fasting and the double espresso. Fucking clear a path.
Get to the bathroom. ASAP.

Speaker 152 The thing is, Sarah, you came in here and you had a go at James for eating a sausage bap and having a Diet Coke.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 41 And everything you've described so far about your own life, you are the unhealthiest person I've ever met.

Speaker 34 You think?

Speaker 168 I think it's healthy.

Speaker 34 None of this shit.

Speaker 122 Isn't that? And I shit all the time and I sweat buckets.

Speaker 34 You sweat buckets onto the floor and it smells of meat.

Speaker 25 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 34 And piss.

Speaker 198 Sorry, piss. It smells of piss.

Speaker 99 You shit as often as you piss.

Speaker 25 Your throat's as dry as some of you.

Speaker 95 You're very fast.

Speaker 18 Your driest throat in the world?

Speaker 185 I've got dry, yeah, I've got such dry throat that I think.

Speaker 123 It's all the moisture's leaving your body up, your armpits.

Speaker 198 Yeah, and I'm swallowing so often that the muscle is exhausted.

Speaker 41 And you've blamed all of this on the fact you've got quite a lot of hair.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 85 Yes.

Speaker 202 I feel like my whole life I've had this eating

Speaker 202 thing because I have a phobia of vomit. I have a phobia of being sick, right? So I've never wanted to try anything.

Speaker 202 And I think that's why the vegetarian life works for me as well, because I feel like I won't get ill.

Speaker 12 My girlfriend is the same as you, Anne-Marie. She's also afraid of vomit.

Speaker 41 I believe it's emetophobia, isn't it?

Speaker 101 I think is

Speaker 1 the name for it, which is, I find it very interesting that you like cream cheese because, weirdly, her emetophobia is

Speaker 81 also tied to a fear of things like yogurt and cream cheese because of the texture of it.

Speaker 31 Wow.

Speaker 1 And I've just realized, as I've said that, I'm worried I've just put you off cream cheese.

Speaker 31 No.

Speaker 10 No, no, no. No, you can't put me off.

Speaker 79 No.

Speaker 202 Yeah, I've like, when I was about 11 or 10, I went to Blackpool with my family for a karate competition.

Speaker 14 That's the puke capital of the UK.

Speaker 91 What were you thinking?

Speaker 202 Well the day before the competition we went on the fairground and we were on the waltzer

Speaker 202 which is the spinny roundy one

Speaker 202 and

Speaker 10 girl

Speaker 202 not me I was fine. A girl in my cup was like coughing and I was like don't worry she's just coughing she's just coughing

Speaker 202 and then she put her hand over her mouth and I was like what is going on and then I just saw something come out the side of her mouth

Speaker 202 And I was I stood up and I was like stop the ride Please stop the ride.

Speaker 202 She's gonna be sick and the guy was obviously like we don't care people are sick all the time and my brain this is how mad it is my brain Saw the ride stop so i my brain told me that it had stopped right and i stepped off it

Speaker 202 and it was still going full pelt. And I just like, yeah, come off of it.
But I was fine. I just walked off.
Oh, God. And my dad, mum and dad were just like watching this whole thing happen.

Speaker 45 Did you use your karate skills when you jumped off?

Speaker 31 Was that what it was?

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 87 So you just like land perfectly.

Speaker 14 Do some karate moves.

Speaker 76 Get off of the waltzes.

Speaker 202 So yeah, I'm so terrified of it that I think that that

Speaker 202 subconsciously made me not experiment with food until the past like three years.

Speaker 1 So that's why I get that meat thing as well. So, there's less chance of making a mistake and eating something that's that's old or something that's got some problems with it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I totally, I totally get that.

Speaker 25 Smart, I mean, it's not going to stop me.

Speaker 10 I love I love vomit,

Speaker 138 Ed does love it, second dinner, he calls it.

Speaker 31 Yeah,

Speaker 97 I remember when that Instagram first sort of came out, I was sort of trying to gauge like what was popular to put up, and I realized people like pictures of food, don't they?

Speaker 97 They like sort of seeing little pleasing bowls of things and

Speaker 97 drinks and stuff and i was still i was sort of trying to do it i thought right if i put a picture of my poached egg is that going to get likes and then i just realized no it is just a pick of the tits

Speaker 97 watch the likes roll in so i gave up on putting poached eggs on my instagram no

Speaker 10 point yeah i don't follow you on instagram um i'm not on instagram myself but i i'm now imagining your timeline is just like loads loads of pictures of food and then suddenly it just completely changes and i've got to say emily i don't follow you on instagram and you do realise after this conversation, there is no way I can.

Speaker 10 Yes.

Speaker 97 It's right, not bare tits, just, you know, but it's impossible for Ed to follow you without you thinking, oh.

Speaker 41 It's impossible for you to get that notification saying Ed Gambler's followed you on Instagram without thinking, oh, right, yeah, I see.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I guess it's olives from now on in.

Speaker 97 Yeah, get the poached eggs back. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, quite interesting, just before we move on, nice to know that James thinks of his butt as his tits.

Speaker 97 Yes, the butt.

Speaker 85 The butt is the male tits.

Speaker 97 Yeah, it's a cleavage, isn't it?

Speaker 31 It's a cleavage.

Speaker 39 Look, you know, at the end of the day,

Speaker 42 I just kind of think if someone sent me a picture of their tits,

Speaker 30 I think it would be a little bit hardcore to go straight in with a D shot.

Speaker 28 And I think what I would do in response would be a photo of my butt.

Speaker 97 I've got the funniest image in my head.

Speaker 1 Do you think anyone in that scenario would then send you something back?

Speaker 1 If they, you know, were kind enough to send you a picture of themselves in that scenario and they received a butt pick back again yeah do you think then that conversation's carrying on yeah well the ball is in their court uh oh is that there as well

Speaker 36 just by accident yeah sometimes tucked between the the legs yeah yeah pop it through

Speaker 18 little something little sneak three of you yeah

Speaker 62 You've got a funny story about someone sending their butts to their girlfriend, haven't you, Ed?

Speaker 1 I know you were pressing me for that. I'm not sure.

Speaker 96 Oh, Oh go on.

Speaker 1 Someone I sort of know once sent a butt pick to his girlfriend to spice up the relationship and she broke up with him almost exactly after that.

Speaker 97 Oh my god, no.

Speaker 97 Was it because his bum was really bad or was it because she was like, well, this is just...

Speaker 11 I just think it's, I think it's weird to send a bum pick.

Speaker 97 A bum pick is a very bold choice. I'm always scared of man's bums.
Like,

Speaker 97 you know the little walk? You know the little walk on the way out? If you've just like...

Speaker 97 I don't even know if you can air this.

Speaker 10 On the way out?

Speaker 97 On the way out to the bathroom. You know, when you line your men and then they walk off to the bathroom to have a wee, I always get really scared to look because I'm scared.

Speaker 97 I'm like, I want to see what his bum looks like, but I'm really scared.

Speaker 1 What are you scared of, Emily?

Speaker 6 What are you frightened you're gonna see?

Speaker 97 I'm just scared. I'm just like, what's it gonna look like? Is it gonna be hairy? Is it gonna not be hairy? Is it gonna have something weird on it, or is it

Speaker 97 gonna put me off some

Speaker 23 of the tarangula sitting up crawling out of it?

Speaker 97 But do you know, like, I don't know, like, oh, bums are scary. I get scared of bums.

Speaker 1 What's the worst thing you could see on a man's bum that would scare you the most? What are you most worried about seeing on a bum?

Speaker 73 Like a spear.

Speaker 97 Like a piece of shit?

Speaker 95 Well, that's the right answer.

Speaker 10 A piece of shit.

Speaker 1 there was a moment there where James was so taken aback and then thought about it and was clearly like, well, yeah, obviously that is the way

Speaker 95 going, well,

Speaker 109 my initial response in my head was, oh dear, why say that?

Speaker 95 And then I went, no, it's absolutely the right answer.

Speaker 18 Yeah. Especially if you've been laying in bed with this man, he's like, I'll just go pop to the bathroom and there's an actual piece of shit.

Speaker 5 Just on his bum.

Speaker 1 I i mean yeah i mean i laughed immediately because that's exactly my humor so yeah there we go absolutely loved it

Speaker 97 oh my god i'm actually crying see i'm crying at the thought of the horrible shitty bum

Speaker 31 yeah that would be very bad

Speaker 14 i was gonna ask what's the best thing you can see on his bum but uh

Speaker 32 nice clean bum nice clean bum that's what you want isn't it

Speaker 1 well thanks emily james and i had both forgotten about that and now we're remembering you saying that, and we're laughing.

Speaker 33 Very, very funny.

Speaker 58 What a weird guest.

Speaker 112 Also, what is very exciting, obviously, the story that everyone requests the most from off-menu, and the one that people can't get enough of, is my personal diet coke story.

Speaker 1 No, James, where do you get all these requests? No one's requesting you do that.

Speaker 33 Well, I get a sense of it.

Speaker 1 No, not even your mum's requesting that, and she is your only link to the outside world.

Speaker 6 Yeah, okay, that is true.

Speaker 45 But, like, you know, I get a sense when we're recording the episodes, I get a sense people want to hear it.

Speaker 6 I can like sense the listener requesting it when they're listening to it in the future.

Speaker 24 Your senses are all off.

Speaker 1 But there were more mentions of the Diet Coke story this year. And we've got a little clips package here from two film directors we've interviewed, James.

Speaker 19 Yes, we got a prequel to the Diet Coke story from Jason Reitman, and also Edgar Wright on the live episode also talked about the wonderful DC.

Speaker 186 Have you heard the story, by the way, about Coke Zero?

Speaker 14 No. About

Speaker 186 why there is Coke Zero? Have you heard, do you know the story of New Coke?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 186 Okay, so I'll try to, I'll tell this fast or you'll cut it out.

Speaker 117 Oh, no, you'd be surprised.

Speaker 59 I've told some boring Coke stories in my time, but Bonito's always kept them in.

Speaker 180 Oh, well, let's start 50 years back then.

Speaker 186 So in the 80s, there was a moment where Pepsi started to beat Coke. And in that moment, Coke created a new formula.
You may remember this.

Speaker 186 They created something called New Coke, and it was a disaster. And in response, they came out with classic Coke, the original formula.

Speaker 186 When they came out with Classic Coke, they did not change the flavor of Diet Coke. So Diet Coke tastes like New Coke.
So if you want to taste the failed formula of the 1980s New Coke, try Diet Coke.

Speaker 150 That's what it tastes like.

Speaker 63 That's what it was.

Speaker 186 And then recently, Coca-Cola realized, oh, we have the technology to create a zero calorie beverage that tastes like Coca-Cola. And they came out with Coke Zero.
So that's why there is Coke Zero.

Speaker 186 But they didn't know how to market because they couldn't pull Diet Coke off the shelf because there's people who love Diet Coke.

Speaker 150 They love new Coke.

Speaker 186 And so they had to figure out a new way to market it. And so they came up with this uber masculine black can.

Speaker 186 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 186 And that's why you have Coke Zero.

Speaker 117 Now, this is all that Diet Coke tasted like normal Coke.

Speaker 51 I told you, Bonito.

Speaker 7 I told you this.

Speaker 6 This is the thing, you see.

Speaker 65 I used to, I cut caffeine out of my diet in 2013.

Speaker 107 You wouldn't know it.

Speaker 59 Didn't have anything to do with caffeine.

Speaker 35 Right?

Speaker 42 Well, this is the thing.

Speaker 63 Five years later, 2018, I fell off the wagon.

Speaker 27 What I did was start drinking Diet Coke.

Speaker 59 So I didn't drink anything else, but I thought, I'll have Diet Coke.

Speaker 4 That's got caffeine in it.

Speaker 74 I'll have that anyway.

Speaker 65 I hadn't had Coke in five years, so Diet Coke tasted like regular Coke to me.

Speaker 183 And this is what I've been saying on this podcast for ages of how it tastes like normal Coke to me.

Speaker 65 And now it's been confirmed that the reason why is because it's new Coke.

Speaker 144 That's what I've been drinking the whole time.

Speaker 152 But when did this new new Coke thing happen?

Speaker 12 In the 80s.

Speaker 144 Yeah, so that's not why, James.

Speaker 32 That was in the 80s.

Speaker 3 No, no, no.

Speaker 186 Diet Coke to this day tastes like new Coke.

Speaker 107 Yeah, he's never had new Coke.

Speaker 34 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 63 Yes, I have Diet Coke.

Speaker 67 I speak all the time.

Speaker 186 But he knows it doesn't taste like regular Coke.

Speaker 25 I feel like I'm being ganged up on here.

Speaker 75 Oh, bad.

Speaker 1 But I think, regardless, James, that's still a very boring story.

Speaker 59 No, no, it's a great story.

Speaker 130 It's a great story.

Speaker 140 And you know what?

Speaker 107 This is the main running thread for the whole podcast, is that story.

Speaker 63 You've been amazed, it actually is.

Speaker 140 Yeah,

Speaker 42 I hardly ever bring it up myself.

Speaker 86 This comes up out of nowhere.

Speaker 65 And Jason just told, basically, we just had a prequel to it. That's exciting for the fans at home.

Speaker 59 Yeah, we got in the DeLorean.

Speaker 58 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 128 We come right at the DeLorean, we hop back in time, and we learn why it tastes like regular Coke to me.

Speaker 41 That is exciting.

Speaker 117 I'm excited. Yeah.

Speaker 184 Until the venture, you love it and you can't tell the difference anymore.

Speaker 114 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 90 Like the Pepsi challenge. Yeah.

Speaker 51 Do the Pepsi.

Speaker 68 Well, I mean.

Speaker 90 You're probably too young to remember that.

Speaker 67 Does anybody remember the Pepsi challenge?

Speaker 184 I could. I mean right now I could tell the difference between Diet Pepsi and Diet Coke if anyone wanted me to.
They're very different.

Speaker 59 Do you think Edgar

Speaker 59 usually

Speaker 183 do you think Edgar if you didn't have any water for like a year

Speaker 181 Do you think then if you had sparkling water it would taste the same as still water?

Speaker 90 I thought you were going to ask me if I was in the desert and somebody came in and they gave me a bottle of sparkling water.

Speaker 181 That's a better question than my desperate appeal to an in-joke on the podcast.

Speaker 90 You'd have to be really fussy to turn down the sparkling water at that point after three days in the Gobi Desert without any water.

Speaker 143 But do you think your mouth would be so sensitive that

Speaker 59 the bubbles would just like, well, your face would melt.

Speaker 51 No, that's the point.

Speaker 118 James is disappointed because I interrupted his Diet Coke story, by the way.

Speaker 59 No, he's so angry.

Speaker 118 He's not going to get over this.

Speaker 90 What would be your preference Pepsi wise?

Speaker 184 Diet Pepsi I'd go for.

Speaker 59 I like Diet Coke as well but I prefer Diet Pepsi but like for ages I didn't really have

Speaker 184 I kind of like gave up caffeine entirely, which like I have to be careful saying that in the building because I think Edwin Coffee's not left yet but like I didn't have caffeine in my diet for ages and then after like five years I started drinking Diet Coke skin and I hadn't had like full fat coke in all that time and after five years of not having any caffeine and not having regular coke diet coke just tasted like normal coke

Speaker 165 can I just say

Speaker 118 Firstly, we did this the other night.

Speaker 71 James told that story maybe a hundred times on the podcast.

Speaker 150 It's made the other way.

Speaker 181 We did it live the other night and we came. It was brilliant.
It was a lovely show, lovely audience.

Speaker 182 We came off stage, and James was a bit bummed out.

Speaker 60 I was like, What's wrong with that? It was really funny.

Speaker 182 He went, I didn't get a chance to do my Diet Coke story.

Speaker 117 And it was great live then to hear people being bored by it live

Speaker 177 because you all cheered when he started doing it, and then there was a noticeable drop-off in energy.

Speaker 184 I think you need to be able to tell the difference between bored and on tender hooks.

Speaker 184 Well,

Speaker 19 I reckon those guys should team up and make a Diet Coke the movie.

Speaker 6 Ed, this is exciting.

Speaker 105 Two Hollywood directors that take my personal Diet Coke story and they make it into a blockbuster.

Speaker 15 I'm in the O again.

Speaker 33 I'm in the Hollywood O.

Speaker 1 Can I play you?

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 1 I'll give it up to Diet Coke for so long.

Speaker 10 This is great.

Speaker 93 It's going to taste like normal Coke. Oh.

Speaker 34 But Benito, are you playing a clip of me right now?

Speaker 10 Oh man.

Speaker 43 Where's this clip coming from?

Speaker 42 I can't remember this episode.

Speaker 1 I love that coke so so much.

Speaker 31 Whoa,

Speaker 5 Bonito.

Speaker 33 I mean I know I don't listen back to the episodes much but this clip completely passed me by but that's me all right.

Speaker 5 Anyway we're gonna get on with

Speaker 93 national treasures.

Speaker 31 Oh I guess

Speaker 42 hold on

Speaker 9 I guess I should get Ed.

Speaker 42 Ed's very hard to do because his voice doesn't have any distinctive quality.

Speaker 40 What are you saying, man?

Speaker 83 national treasures!

Speaker 33 Cato, yeah, you can.

Speaker 93 Oh, God.

Speaker 15 We've had national treasures galore on the podcast.

Speaker 1 We have had national treasures galore on the podcast.

Speaker 4 Uh, I realize I actually can't do that good an impression of you, which is a shame.

Speaker 1 So, let's hear from Miriam Margulies, Miriam Margulies, Mira Sael, Ross Kemp, Ross Kemp, Timothy Spool, Jamie Oliver, Bob Mortimer, and Ainsley Harriet.

Speaker 204 My rule is that I never make anything. I get people to make it for me.
I'm not a cook, so anything has to be ordered in or brought in by friends.

Speaker 1 That's a very good rule. When did you set yourself that rule, Miriam?

Speaker 78 I think when I was born, probably.

Speaker 204 I think it was set down in the book

Speaker 204 from a very early age. I have never been a cook.
I can cook some things, but I won't. I don't like cooking.

Speaker 82 I like other people to cook for me.

Speaker 1 Are there any other top Miram rules that we need to know about, your rules for life that you always stick to?

Speaker 24 Oh, yes.

Speaker 204 I mean, generally speaking, tell the truth, never let the sun set on a quarrel, and never be fucked up the bum, because that's something that I have never done. I bet you can't say that.

Speaker 83 Now, when

Speaker 86 you asked us, when when you said, I do hope this conversation doesn't just isn't all below the waist,

Speaker 83 were you talking to us during that bit or were you talking to yourself?

Speaker 1 Because since then, Miriam, you've farted and said,

Speaker 10 don't fuck up the fucked up.

Speaker 204 The thing is, boys, that thoughts suddenly occur to me. They just pop into my head.
You know that. You're stand-up comedian, so you know what that's.

Speaker 103 Exactly.

Speaker 204 It's the same with me. I'm a sit-down comedian, I suppose.
I want to be amusing,

Speaker 204 but I haven't made a living, as you have, doing that. So it just popped into my head, and that's why I said it.

Speaker 1 Quite right. Always follow those instincts, I think, Miriam.

Speaker 31 You've always got to follow those instincts. I will.

Speaker 10 I will.

Speaker 42 Excuse me a second.

Speaker 46 I was going to go and come back. Apologies.

Speaker 1 Okay, we'll wait for James to get... See, this is why if James needs to fart, he has to go out of the room.

Speaker 204 How sweet that he has to go away.

Speaker 31 I think that's terribly sweet.

Speaker 204 Is that you, Emily?

Speaker 15 Hi, darling.

Speaker 204 Just throw me the sandwich.

Speaker 204 Just throw it to me

Speaker 204 because I can't let you.

Speaker 102 No, no,

Speaker 204 can you can you throw it onto my desk?

Speaker 31 It's right, it's very good.

Speaker 97 That's what. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 105 It's all right, wait a minute.

Speaker 204 I'm just going to get my sandwich.

Speaker 1 The sandwich has gone on the floor.

Speaker 204 You hit the desk right.

Speaker 102 It's just it was ours. It's a cheese and onion.

Speaker 102 Oh, cheese and onion.

Speaker 31 How could it be more perfect?

Speaker 103 Oh, Britain. How did you know?

Speaker 204 Thank you, darling.

Speaker 82 I'll pay you after.

Speaker 1 James, big, big update since you've been away. Emily's arrived back with the sandwich and it's cheese and onion.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow.

Speaker 6 This is great for you, right?

Speaker 19 You must be delighted.

Speaker 204 You don't mind if I have a nibble.

Speaker 103 No, you go for it.

Speaker 2 You tuck in, Miriam.

Speaker 70 Tuck in.

Speaker 22 There it is.

Speaker 22 Yeah, good.

Speaker 91 Marks out of 10 for it?

Speaker 78 Oh, nine.

Speaker 114 A nine out of ten.

Speaker 1 What would it have to be to be a ten out of ten for you, Miriam?

Speaker 204 Extra onion.

Speaker 1 An onion on the side to bite like an apple.

Speaker 86 Would you say you would prefer an onion and cheese sandwich than a cheese and onion sandwich?

Speaker 204 I don't know how to answer that.

Speaker 14 Interesting question.

Speaker 14 You look very...

Speaker 31 You take it really.

Speaker 89 I appreciate that.

Speaker 204 No, I still think that onion has to be the accompaniment.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 204 But thanks for asking because it really made me think.

Speaker 105 It did.

Speaker 10 I was glad about that.

Speaker 14 Oh, what a lovely, that's a lovely meal.

Speaker 54 I'm going to read back your menu to you now and

Speaker 14 we'll see how you feel about it.

Speaker 114 Always nice to hear it back.

Speaker 14 Water.

Speaker 54 You want sparkling water with ice and thinly cut slices of lime.

Speaker 138 Poplarums of bread, you chose a warm, crusty roll or a French baguette with butter.

Speaker 13 Starter, chart from Deshoom.

Speaker 6 Main course, seafood paella from the Barcelona Beach Restaurant.

Speaker 10 Side of samphire and drink, rose lassie, rose lot. Fuck, fuck, I said, Look at it.

Speaker 95 I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

Speaker 31 Yes, dude.

Speaker 95 I can't believe it.

Speaker 31 Yes, dude.

Speaker 64 Oh, I believe I definitely want to edit that out because it makes me look like an idiot.

Speaker 40 I'm dead.

Speaker 1 So sorry, James.

Speaker 1 Yes, Lussie. I believe it's called Lussie.

Speaker 2 Oh, thank you, Ed.

Speaker 96 No worries.

Speaker 56 At least you know now.

Speaker 120 Actually, there was a gang that I met in Ulampatua, which is obviously in Mongolia, because I knew that before I went there.

Speaker 14 No.

Speaker 120 And they frequented a sushi restaurant. Now, Mongolia is one of the most landlocked countries on the planet.

Speaker 120 And apart from the fact they like to have snuff and vodka for breakfast, which I had to partake in, of course, to be accepted by the group every morning.

Speaker 5 You're doing a documentary. You've got to do it.
Got to do it.

Speaker 120 Exactly.

Speaker 120 This sushi used to be flown in from Japan every day. And I've never even been to Japan, but I like sushi a lot.

Speaker 120 And the sushi that these guys, this gang used to have, apart from the fact that I didn't like the idea that they went around celebrating Hitler's birthday

Speaker 120 and they had SS tattoos on their heads and stuff like that.

Speaker 30 But that might that might have been for sushi sushi.

Speaker 1 Sushi said, absolutely.

Speaker 62 Scrubshush.

Speaker 6 Scrubby sushi.

Speaker 120 So, yeah, so maybe the richer gangs, the poorer gangs, possibly not.

Speaker 29 Well, that is, that is quite the bind.

Speaker 26 This sushi is delicious, but these guys, I'm pretty sure they're Nazis.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 120 Yes, but they gave that away by the kit they were wearing and going around waving flags on Hitler's birthday, which is something I never...

Speaker 120 I also, I declined the cake on Hitler's birthday as well, which they were quite upset about, funnily enough.

Speaker 13 Well done.

Speaker 1 Did the cake have Hitler on it?

Speaker 120 Do you know what? Can I tell you how many times I've been offered cake by Nazis?

Speaker 31 Whether it be in

Speaker 120 Moscow, Dallas, or in fact, Ulaan Batur.

Speaker 2 More than once. And they love a cake.

Speaker 32 Yeah, I didn't know that about Nazis.

Speaker 47 Why do you think they love cake so much?

Speaker 120 Well, because they like sticking their insignia or anything they can, don't they? They like draping it everywhere. So why not put it on a cake?

Speaker 4 If you're going to stick it on your forehead and stick it on your arm, you might as as well stick it on your cake yeah it's an easier way to get people in isn't it because like they go if we offer people the cake their need for cake might override the fact that yeah

Speaker 120 everything we believe is abhorrent so uh we'll get them in that way yeah and that is no joking i can remember going to meet a load of moscow nazis and they literally put a salad out and in tomato capture they'd put a swastika oh my god cross

Speaker 70 i mean uh pathetic anyway uh i don't i don't wish to remember them are you you at that point now when whenever you meet a new gang of Nazis, before they've even opened your mouth, went, no, I don't want any cake, thank you very much.

Speaker 42 And they're like, yeah, yeah,

Speaker 46 put the Battenberg away.

Speaker 42 He doesn't want it.

Speaker 120 When you go to someone, look, obviously, you can't say who you really are. We're shooting you in silhouette.
Would you like to have a name, a pseudonym?

Speaker 120 Do you know how many of them often came up with the name?

Speaker 31 Dave.

Speaker 120 There was a guy tortured people in Colombia. We met him in a sex hotel.
This guy

Speaker 120 was cold-blooded killer. He cuts people up for a living to find out where the stash is.

Speaker 121 He literally turned around to us and he said, you could call me Dave.

Speaker 10 And like, I was on the floor, right?

Speaker 5 And Dave said, you told him, you told him to say that.

Speaker 28 You told him to say that.

Speaker 93 Like, you're going to go up to a guy like that and go, before we interview you, come here.

Speaker 10 This will be a laugh.

Speaker 10 Exactly.

Speaker 42 That guy's name's Dave.

Speaker 86 Say your name is Dave, because your sort is the last kind of people he'd want to be associated with.

Speaker 39 It'll be a funny little joke.

Speaker 32 Nice sex hotel, by the way.

Speaker 31 Let's do this.

Speaker 120 Can I tell you something about the sex hotel as well, which is really, really odd?

Speaker 120 Yeah, yes, because the aircon's on, it's um, right down on the Pacific coast of Columbia, which is where all the drugs go up to Los Angeles.

Speaker 120 And we had to turn this because of Dave Sound, my good mate, Dave Williams, we had to turn the air con off, right?

Speaker 120 So, all of a sudden, this guy's sitting there, he's got a locked-off camera on him, and Jonathan is the big cameraman.

Speaker 120 Jonathan, he doesn't drink, Jonathan does drink, Jonathan Young, is on a penny case, you know, those big plastic cases, Jonathan Lenz, Jonathan Lenz, yes, you got it and um we suddenly start seeing all the fingerprints because the lube is now becoming apparent but the floor is turning into an ice skating ring right now i am absolutely dripping our chap funny enough doesn't drip at all he's talking about cutting up his best friends how his dad was cut up how he thinks he's going to get cut it's like it's kind of heavy stuff he's really trying not to get cut up this guy anyway i realized i'm seeing all his hand prints on all these kind of furniture and everything like that.

Speaker 120 And there's this kind of fridge in the corner that's full of condoms and gel and bizarrely a comb. What do you want the comb for?

Speaker 1 Anyway, I certainly don't need the comb.

Speaker 95 Right, anyway.

Speaker 13 Want to put it in the fridge?

Speaker 120 We're doing this interview, right? It's now dripping. The floor's gone like a rink full of lube, right? And Jonathan's on this penny case and he slips off it.

Speaker 120 Now, he's about six foot five and weighs a good like 15, 16 stone. The penny case goes bang.
I jump out of my skin.

Speaker 120 This lad who we're interviewing, because he was locked on a d5 D5 camera, he didn't move an inch. He's just like, I'm used to big bangs, funnily enough.

Speaker 120 But yeah, sex hotels, don't go shooting in them, particularly when the town man says turn the air con off.

Speaker 12 Too slippery.

Speaker 120 Slippery occasion.

Speaker 199 I was taken to hospital to see a psychiatrist by a mark because my hypochondria was so bad as a child. There was a bloke who used to walk down that street who had a huge nose, big red nose.

Speaker 199 And somebody said to me, you know why he's got a red nose like that? And I said, no. And they said, because he had cancer of the nose and they had to use a piece of his bum to stick it on his nose.

Speaker 199 Three weeks later, my mum caught me crying

Speaker 199 in the scullery, not a kitchen I hear.

Speaker 135 I wasn't, I'm not Dickens.

Speaker 199 I'm not in the Dickens double in the scullery. He said, what on earth's the matter? She said, I thought I've got cancer of the nose.

Speaker 135 And they're going to make a bit of tuck it off and put a bit of my bum on there.

Speaker 3 He said, well, this is it.

Speaker 199 They referred me to a psychiatrist at

Speaker 199 St Thomas's Hospital.

Speaker 199 We went there, mummy. My mum was a very smart woman.
We went there. And I didn't really know what to expect.

Speaker 199 Now, what you've got to realise is that I also was at that time, I was 12, but I was a skin head.

Speaker 199 So I had stayed breast trousers quite high, Ben Sherman's shirt, skinhead, cutting part in, braces and Doc Martins.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 69 You're the kid for This is England?

Speaker 199 I was, yeah, yeah, yeah, very, but, you know, when Skinned, well, Skinned then, this was, you know, 1971, the original Skinner, you know, I wasn't really a Skinner, I mean, it was like a kid version, you know, and I didn't realize I was shown into this room, um, and it was a lecture theater

Speaker 199 full of medical students. And I was on a stage, my mum was sitting next to me, and it was a psychiatrist on a stage.
And when I walked in, all the medical students started to laugh.

Speaker 199 and then when she said, This is Timothy, he's 12 years old, and he is showing signs of hypochondria, they all started tittering again.

Speaker 199 I thought, well, this is even then at the time, I thought, it's just a little bit outrageous.

Speaker 199 I remember thinking, don't think that's you're supposed to do that when you're a medical student, apart from being really humiliated.

Speaker 199 Then, every time I asked the question, I asked, there was titters, there were stifled titters from the audience.

Speaker 199 And then I was taken in, I was examined, and about 10 of these titterers came came in. I was lying on a tape.
Maybe this is where the acting started. I don't know.

Speaker 5 Or maybe, maybe, sympathy.

Speaker 1 I mean, there's a 100% chance of that.

Speaker 14 Yeah, it all comes from trauma, clearly.

Speaker 199 Yeah, I mean, this is not the worst. I mean, I didn't, obviously.

Speaker 199 I am growing sort of slightly bulbous nose. I think that's just age, but

Speaker 199 I know it's not me bum being put on there. But no, I've got through that.
But I did have a worse piece of hypochondria. And

Speaker 199 we had a very small cactus in our bedroom

Speaker 199 once my brother and I shared it when we were moved to a council flat and it fell on me and it pricked a little bit. And I spent an hour just thinking I was going to turn into a cactus.

Speaker 200 I thought in the morning, I started to cry my brother and said, what the fuck?

Speaker 99 What's the matter with you?

Speaker 106 I said, cactus is falling on me.

Speaker 135 I've got a big cactus in the morning.

Speaker 132 I'm going to wait.

Speaker 3 I'm going to just be a big cactus boy

Speaker 91 so a big cactus boy so

Speaker 3 i'm gonna be a cactus boy in my bed

Speaker 199 imagine going and i'd have to go put me stay pressed on me bed shaven go back to the throne and then they would stop laughing they would be frightened wouldn't they be a skin head cactus cactus boy had turned up in his skin head you know the last thing you want from a skinhead is to be a cactus boy right because you're not well for a start you couldn't be a skinhead because you'd have big spikes sticking out the top of your head well yeah i suppose you could cut a part in

Speaker 199 between the trip.

Speaker 91 You thought that.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you what, people would

Speaker 199 be a bit scared of you, wouldn't they? I mean, I suppose you would probably be a quite intimidating skinhead if you were a cactus skinhead.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the last thing you want is to be nutted by a cactus, right?

Speaker 199 Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because then you'd become a cat.

Speaker 3 If you were a hyperconductor, you'd become a cactus too.

Speaker 200 I had a revelation with Boxer Shorts.

Speaker 80 Yes.

Speaker 200 Have you ever heard the brand Sacks?

Speaker 10 No. S-A-X-X.

Speaker 23 Oh, right.

Speaker 200 Like, so look, if one could give one a gift,

Speaker 80 like,

Speaker 80 like,

Speaker 200 I'm not even joking, right? So, and I'm not, I have no relationship with the company at all.

Speaker 25 I think you're about to.

Speaker 200 The crew who we use, we had this moment, like, what are you wearing? They all pull up their little bits, Canvin Klein or something.

Speaker 200 And

Speaker 93 I bought them all sacks.

Speaker 200 Yeah. If you want to have your balls cradled by an angel

Speaker 98 all day. Who doesn't?

Speaker 25 Every day.

Speaker 2 They have, this is the truth, TM ballpark technology.

Speaker 200 I'm going to, before you leave, I've got some downstairs. I'm going to show you some.

Speaker 92 I'm not going to give you them, but I'm going to.

Speaker 44 So if someone said to them, what's Jamie like as a boss?

Speaker 152 They'd say, he makes us all wear the same pants.

Speaker 200 Well, I don't have many men in the company.

Speaker 200 We're like 85% ladies, so that wouldn't work. But for the men that are here, I have tried to, I'm not trying to get them onto sacks because I'm pushing like a cool brand.

Speaker 200 It's got nothing to do with cool.

Speaker 104 And actual fact,

Speaker 200 they're not that cool to look at.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I don't think.

Speaker 25 But ballpark technology.

Speaker 31 But ballpark.

Speaker 54 I'm not even joking. Do you ever call people?

Speaker 75 It's like

Speaker 10 you were saying, what's the one?

Speaker 200 One of the biggest revelations in the last two years, it's that.

Speaker 200 So if you're a fella listening to this, if you don't believe me, then just try it because your eyes will go, and then that is it.

Speaker 12 Go and check out my tour dates, edgamble.co.uk.

Speaker 28 Yes. Tickets avail.

Speaker 170 And I will be teching that show.

Speaker 123 Yes.

Speaker 80 I know this is under the show. Hello, Jamie.

Speaker 119 Hello.

Speaker 31 And it's been weird.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 178 Oh,

Speaker 180 you got some sax pants.

Speaker 89 You bought in some sax boxer shorts.

Speaker 31 The same thing is if you think that it's just me joking.

Speaker 10 Literally. No, you have to look.

Speaker 138 This is the TM.

Speaker 91 Yeah. That's the T.

Speaker 14 So having a little look inside.

Speaker 44 Oh, so you tuck them in the little pouch?

Speaker 105 Oh, that is literally a little pouch for your balls.

Speaker 35 Let's look at that, Jamie.

Speaker 12 I was going to reach in and have a look closer, and then I realised they are genuinely your pants, aren't they?

Speaker 63 That you've got to do that. Yeah, you've just taken them off in the toilets and then brought them back in the showers.

Speaker 26 It's hanging out there like Bruce Springsteen,

Speaker 59 hanging out in your jeans, your boxes.

Speaker 74 No one will know.

Speaker 12 They look amazing. No, I'm going to check them out.

Speaker 14 Yeah, they cradle them. The cradle.

Speaker 75 Thank you, Jamie. See you, Jamie.

Speaker 138 Well, very rarely do we get a reprieve from the guests during the outro.

Speaker 74 I think that's the first time that's ever happened.

Speaker 63 Let alone they come in and show us some boxer shorts that they were possibly may or may not have been wearing earlier in the day and show us where the balls go in the box of shorts.

Speaker 8 But it's happened and if at the start of this crazy journey known as off menu someone had told us one of the episodes one of the guests will leave to go and do an interview respectfully for the one show, but then reappear during the outro to show you their boxer shorts and where the balls go in it.

Speaker 4 I would not have thought, well, that will be Jamie Oliver.

Speaker 6 But that's what's just happened to us in our life.

Speaker 48 And special.

Speaker 54 Very special moment for us there.

Speaker 12 I was genuinely about to reach in and touch them.

Speaker 65 Yep, you were about to touch where the balls go to see, oh, where would they go?

Speaker 128 And then you realise, as you were about to do it...

Speaker 25 They've just been there.

Speaker 63 Yeah. The balls have literally just been there.

Speaker 117 I was going going to reach in and touch the pants.

Speaker 21 He didn't come in and pull his trousers down.

Speaker 181 I just didn't want to make a collective list of what happened.

Speaker 63 He didn't come in, pull his trousers down, and go, have a look at the ballpark technology.

Speaker 91 Look at where they go.

Speaker 87 He came in holding some boxer shorts.

Speaker 25 With his trousers up. Yeah.

Speaker 21 Trousers up, zipped up.

Speaker 12 I'm presuming he has other boxes on the premises.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 27 He was holding a pair of boxes.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 65 Said, look at these, came round, opened the boxes up so we could look inside the boxes and you can see that there was a little compartment for the balls there.

Speaker 128 I didn't realise, I didn't think about this, that maybe people listen at home.

Speaker 65 But he came in, pulled down his trousers, said, look at these, then look at where the balls go.

Speaker 60 And Ed was at one point tempted to reach in and touch them.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 34 Because that isn't what happened.

Speaker 12 No, that sounds bad.

Speaker 68 Well, it sounds unusual for the pod.

Speaker 60 You know, it's not standard pod practice. But

Speaker 45 yeah, I forgot that the listener can't see what's happening. So they may have thought that J.

Speaker 4 Motherfucker just came in.

Speaker 59 Sorry about that sound.

Speaker 12 I'm reaching in and scratching my balls.

Speaker 27 Yeah, that was Ed scratching his balls.

Speaker 4 Just scratching his balls. They're a bit dry today, actually.

Speaker 73 River.

Speaker 25 A bit dry.

Speaker 52 One of my favourite things to eat is an Odeon cinema hot dog.

Speaker 57 A really, really...

Speaker 52 Me and my son were

Speaker 52 obsessed with them. Yeah.
And I think I could have that as my starter.

Speaker 25 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 59 I want to have one of a hot dog as your starter.

Speaker 138 I want to have one.

Speaker 54 It's not a main meal, is it?

Speaker 10 I don't think so.

Speaker 56 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 27 Yeah, like if you go to the cinema and have a hot dog, which I'll rarely do, but it doesn't feel, I wouldn't, that wouldn't be my lunch.

Speaker 52 No, it's always.

Speaker 12 Like I'd have it instead of popcorn, like as a snack at the cinema, right?

Speaker 52 It's a major snack.

Speaker 25 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 52 It's not a meal, I don't think.

Speaker 52 So I'd like to have that. The number of times

Speaker 52 it's so upsetting for myself and his son because a lot of the time we go and see like, you know, just the latest action thing.

Speaker 52 But really, we're kind of going for the hot dog. Yeah.
And so often they put that little prod in to say, sorry, no dogs.

Speaker 91 It's not ready.

Speaker 61 Not ready.

Speaker 52 And they've only got three or four on basically everyone's come for the hot dog not the film

Speaker 52 have you ever gone in bought a hot dog at the cinema and then left again without going to the film no I've never done that you'd have to penetrate the ticket check wouldn't you do you because I think you do at mine I really

Speaker 152 I think my local cinema the snack concession is before the ticket check very wise of them so you could go

Speaker 152 definitely would do that yeah so these hot dogs I've got a lot of questions about these because you'd be surprised to hear Bob this is the first time that the Odeon Cinema hot dog has come up on off-menu.

Speaker 152 Is it one of those ones where they're on those rollers? So the sausage is constantly in motion.

Speaker 63 Yes. What are those?

Speaker 56 Because I always look at them, I marvel at the rollers.

Speaker 12 Is it a warming thing or is it more presentational?

Speaker 15 Thank you.

Speaker 52 Because it's interesting, innit? I don't know whether the heat is contained within the rollers or whether the rollers are just turning the sausage. I don't know the answer to that.

Speaker 138 Yeah.

Speaker 52 Sometimes it's best not to know.

Speaker 6 I would guess heat underneath the rollers.

Speaker 74 Yeah. Rollers just do the motion.

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 63 Because I imagine heated rollers, that's quite that's extreme, right?

Speaker 66 That's going to be pretty pricey.

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 74 For them to maintain that at the Odeon cinema.

Speaker 66 Yeah. But maybe they can.

Speaker 52 Yeah, how confident are you that if I took you to an Odeon now and they were circulating, would you press firmly on those rollers?

Speaker 57 Would I put my hand down on the rollers?

Speaker 170 Well I wouldn't I think the heat is still coming up from underneath those rollers and making them hot.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 57 But I don't think the rollers themselves are generating the heat.

Speaker 66 So I guess if you took the rollers,

Speaker 74 you know, if you moved them away from the rest of the machine and they were just the rollers on their own and you turned them on, I would press my hand against them and I would expect them to be cold.

Speaker 66 Right. I think.

Speaker 59 I would be quite confident.

Speaker 52 I think you're probably right, James, but would you accept there's a tiny bit of doubt?

Speaker 74 I wouldn't be completely in my head just like, this definitely won't burn me.

Speaker 63 I think a part of me would be like, I could get burnt here.

Speaker 63 And there's always the chance that you do that and then sort of slip anyway.

Speaker 59 Slip anyway.

Speaker 66 Smack my elbow on it.

Speaker 66 And I end up my whole body being rolled round and round.

Speaker 51 And you end up in the big popcorn.

Speaker 25 And you end up in the popcorn page.

Speaker 52 Like humunculous.

Speaker 52 It's like the Odeon hot dog. It's one of the last places that you can buy.
very traditional hot dog. You know, it's a very soft bum.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 52 it's a tinned Wesler's, I believe. I have tried to find out.
I think it's Wessel's. Nobody seems to know.
I did ask on Twitter, but people do seem to think it's a Wesler's hot dog. Okay.

Speaker 52 So it's soft and floppy, salty, and delicious.

Speaker 52 Because nowadays, often hot dog is a real sausage or it's a baguette crusty bread.

Speaker 25 No, not into that.

Speaker 52 So yeah, Odeon hot dog would be nice, thanks.

Speaker 25 Absolutely.

Speaker 74 The first time I had one of those kind of hot dog sausages um we've you know we speak a lot on this podcast about times that you know yeah you try something for the first time blew your mind you felt like your whole world changed yeah and i definitely think the first time i had one of those sausages i thought well this is the best thing ever gorgeous this is like amazing and then instantly i think articulating that vocalizing it to my parents and getting told those are disgusting and you shouldn't you shouldn't eat those because it's right that's bad that's not even proper meat blah blah blah and all that stuff but they are amazing they're amazing.

Speaker 52 And proper meat, they are like, they're proper in the sense of the word that that's proper for a hot dog. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 52 When they start fiddling, it's like it's having an interest in something in your life is important, isn't it? And a hot dog isn't a terrible place to experiment with.

Speaker 52 I wonder what it's like having an interest in your life.

Speaker 10 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 52 Because like, um, so you try a hot dog whenever one appears.

Speaker 52 And it is interesting at Arsenal Football Ground, they serve literally the worst hot dog.

Speaker 52 Even the Arsenal fans will say, if you go on there, it's an extraordinary thing. It's like, yeah, it's got quite a tough casing, like with knots at the end.

Speaker 109 Do you know that sort of thing?

Speaker 57 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 52 I was like, but look, it's really, and like, when you split it, water comes out of it.

Speaker 134 It's a stinker.

Speaker 57 Yeah, that's bad.

Speaker 52 There's probably some people who love it, but whoa.

Speaker 152 I mean, so if you were, say, the manager of Arsenal Football Club, you use your substitute, Genie, to change the hot dogs every week.

Speaker 67 That'd be the play.

Speaker 52 Change the hot dogs. Yeah.

Speaker 38 The fans would be livid.

Speaker 63 If you were losing like one nil or it was a draw, and then you were like, no, we're going to use the play to change the hot dogs again. Yeah.

Speaker 25 I think it wouldn't be a bad shout if you were 4-0 up. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 25 Genie? Yeah.

Speaker 59 I do cinema hot dogs sleep.

Speaker 51 I don't know whether you could though, James, because it won't affect the play, will it?

Speaker 183 Well, it could affect the play because it would affect the fans' morale and their encouragement to the

Speaker 59 play.

Speaker 52 So they'd hear this huge cheer go up because of the end of that hot dog.

Speaker 165 Well, there might be like, imagine a little boy sat in the stands, he's crying because he's got a terrible hot dog.

Speaker 25 Yes. And then

Speaker 12 it just changes.

Speaker 65 Yeah, that's the sound it makes. Yeah.

Speaker 44 And it changes and then suddenly he's happy.

Speaker 165 The rest of the fans catch on and then a big one goes.

Speaker 52 I forget all the problems with Venger and Specta in an instant. I love my team.
I love my team.

Speaker 53 An Odian hot dog here at the Emirates?

Speaker 59 What's that?

Speaker 134 Always used the genie.

Speaker 59 It's the genie play again.

Speaker 59 What are you putting on the hot dog? This is before we move on to the mains.

Speaker 74 I think we need to know: is it just a plain hot dog?

Speaker 57 It's just a plain hot dog.

Speaker 52 And the yellow and the red.

Speaker 52 I think it's Heinz in the Odeon. It must be Heinz.

Speaker 57 I think it says on the bottles Heinz.

Speaker 52 Yeah, yeah. And so I'll buy into that.
I don't suppose they fill them up with Costco custard.

Speaker 66 Out of order if they do. You'd be able to tell.

Speaker 12 How are you putting it on? Because obviously, we can put it on in any style.

Speaker 52 What I do is

Speaker 52 hold it like that, which is nice to have something that you hold like that, innit?

Speaker 52 Not so often.

Speaker 52 Sorry, I know people can't see, but you hold it.

Speaker 59 Cradle, the sort of cradle.

Speaker 57 Crazy, yeah.

Speaker 72 And then from one end to the other,

Speaker 152 straight lines.

Speaker 60 Yeah. Sorry about that.

Speaker 64 Okay.

Speaker 59 People can hear how heavy you just catch your fist and you put the bottle down, so that's good.

Speaker 52 And then the other side of the sausage, the other colour, the same. Yeah.

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 53 And then, with my finger, is that your ring finger?

Speaker 25 No. Your pointing finger.
Index finger.

Speaker 57 Index finger. I swirl them both together.

Speaker 52 Then lick the finger

Speaker 52 and say it's good to be alive.

Speaker 52 And then stroll to me. Dark seat.

Speaker 63 Yeah, you've got to do that before you get a single.

Speaker 51 Has your son adopted this as well?

Speaker 52 Yeah, actually,

Speaker 52 isn't this nice? This shows the true bond between a father and the son, that he allows me to do his swirly mix with my finger.

Speaker 63 But you do his first, I take it.

Speaker 57 I do tend to there's because you can't do yours, lick your finger, and then

Speaker 12 it has to be someone else's hot dog first.

Speaker 72 I mean, I'm not much of one for

Speaker 52 extreme cleanliness. Yeah, I don't sort of frolic around in dog dirt,

Speaker 25 but you know, I'm not that bothered about that sort of thing.

Speaker 52 I hope I've passed it on to my children.

Speaker 65 How old is your son?

Speaker 52 23.

Speaker 46 No, he's not.

Speaker 21 He is?

Speaker 65 And he still lets you

Speaker 65 lets you swirl his ketchup and mustard together on his hot dog with your finger.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 65 So he goes to the cinema with you, 23 years old. Yeah.

Speaker 57 That's nice. There's nothing wrong with that.

Speaker 63 That's lovely. That's lovely.
Yeah, yeah. Gets his hot dog.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 140 Ketchup and mustard goes on, and then in plain sight of everyone, his dad turns and then runs his finger around his hot dog and swallows it together Then puts his finger in his mouth and says it's good to be alive

Speaker 150 son.

Speaker 4 I don't want to really let you go today without talking about hello Jill why hello Jill

Speaker 79 Poor Jill's checked out now you know let her go okay well I didn't know

Speaker 69 there was me and of course Alison and then this little lady sitting in between us on the sofa.

Speaker 10 Do you remember that scene?

Speaker 25 Oh, my God. Craig James was wet in self-love.

Speaker 165 Not only do we remember it, Angela, we talk about it, I'd say, at least three times a week.

Speaker 35 We love it.

Speaker 123 My favorite thing to watch on YouTube,

Speaker 26 I love the way that you come into the room.

Speaker 87 Really?

Speaker 140 Yep, and you sneak past the door like that, and you close the door behind you.

Speaker 64 That's funny. And then...

Speaker 132 Hello, Joe. Do you remember that?

Speaker 69 And they gave her a brand new TV. She was so small, wouldn't she?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 10 And she was, and there's me out in the kitchen, in Jewel's kitchen, and trying to make her this surprise meal and stuff and I'm going for it and every drawer that I open up there's a packet of fags in there or more importantly more importantly there's about three or four packets that are empty you know those people just keep them they think I might be might find something in there one day and they've got these empty packs every time I'm looking for something

Speaker 50 I go this one I'll go the bottom one open it like that and it would be like something like sobrani or something like that you know weird fags that you only smoke at Christmas christmas you know i mean

Speaker 91 bless her um i love an old lady who smokes yeah great my great grandma we we bought her a nightie for her birthday once and the next time we went over there the nightie was on on her bed and had a massive fag hole put in it and we didn't know she smoked she's like oh yeah she took it out when she was 75 and just have a cigarette in bed every night

Speaker 123 terrifying the most dangerous time to have a cigarette

Speaker 12 the only thing that would have made hello jill better is if she was smoking when you came in in the

Speaker 99 she did sneak off for a fan.

Speaker 25 She did get blessed.

Speaker 123 She liked her little fan.

Speaker 50 She didn't come and went off of their gun when, you know, when there was a break, you know, we'll be, you know, you send it back to Eamon and Ruth in the studio.

Speaker 127 She's off having her little fag and little brownie fingers.

Speaker 10 Fantastic.

Speaker 106 Why, hello, Jill.

Speaker 25 She had no idea.

Speaker 79 Let's talk about that moment, Anthony, because like poor blackbell.

Speaker 26 Talk about that moment because you're outside of Jill's, you're waiting to come into Jill's living room.

Speaker 26 They've handed you a frying pan.

Speaker 26 Did you know that you were going to deliver it like that?

Speaker 59 Was it? No idea.

Speaker 50 I had no idea. Because they're standing there now.
And then they're going...

Speaker 50 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 122 Go like that.

Speaker 50 All the signs, you know, you have all the kind of people standing on the side. Then you go in because now the camera's in the right position.

Speaker 50 And I think Alison has got Jill to sit down. So it's kind of, it gives me an entrance.

Speaker 99 And when I walk it, I want to piss myself laughing

Speaker 25 because Alison's about four times the size of Jill.

Speaker 122 She's nearly disappearing. Like,

Speaker 10 why, hello, Jill?

Speaker 59 And Alison's looking at me, and I'm looking at Alwyn.

Speaker 80 This is a good gig.

Speaker 45 what a bunch of national treasures wow but it's about time james we heard from an international treasure oh man now the international treasure that this is a big one this was a big moment you know what i actually can't believe it going on going over the uh the highlights of this year this is absolutely mad

Speaker 42 the amount of things that we've covered so far in this highlight this is not even the end of episode one yet it's pretty great yeah and this next international treasure became something of a phenomenon with the off-menu listeners yes we lost control of our own podcast this person railroaded us yeah they basically sold their vodka on the podcast for 40 minutes we are of course talking about uh the ghostbuster himself dan aykroyd actual dan aykroyd um mind-blowing i mean it's difficult to include too many clips from the dan aykroyd episode because it it is in itself an entire clip so we considered putting the whole episode out again and calling it the best of but people probably would have gone mad so let's just play the bit where we got the approval of dan ackroyd

Speaker 9 if i may ask you a ghostbusters question sure and bring in crystal head

Speaker 73 all right at the end of the ghostbusters the first film ghostbusters the first yeah yeah

Speaker 14 you've got to not think of anything because if you think of anything it will materialize I ducked it well now what do you do do you think these days you would think of crystal head and then you would look down and through the streets is coming a giant skull glass and how a do you think that's what you would think of and that is what would then attack the city and b how would the ghostbusters defeat it oh man if i had to go back and and and be that character right there i probably would go blank i wouldn't think of anything because you got you got to be careful what you wish for um do you think crystal head would just win do you think it'd be a very different film it would be unbeatable

Speaker 205 But the head is very benevolent, you see. The head has a nice little smile.
The head, I mean, it could appear in the sky as sort of a and rain down good vodka on the crowd in the movie, I suppose.

Speaker 205 But no, it's not, you know, well, some operators.

Speaker 85 Now, the Aztec

Speaker 205 were able to operate it for causes of doom and destruction, apparently. But they were mostly known as crystal balls in North America and Central America.

Speaker 205 The indigenous tribes, the Anasaze, the Zuni, the Navajo, the Aztec, the Mayans, they all had a crystal head. So it's a benevolent skull.
It's a smiling skull.

Speaker 205 But in its history,

Speaker 205 I'm sure it was used by operators to call down doom upon enemies and rivals. So the lore goes of the 13 crystal heads, which is what we based our design on.

Speaker 39 Well, in history, the Stave Puff Fast Mellow Man is very nice and friendly.

Speaker 205 He is part of history.

Speaker 8 But then at the end, turned up and was extremely, you know, because Winnie Zulfort of it.

Speaker 205 yeah he was uh he was uh uh you know on all the bags uh in stores for kids at campfire and uh and was was thought of as benevolent and that's why stance thought of the most benevolent thing but you've got to be careful what you wish for got to be careful now that we used to have something in canada called the angeles uh marshmallow man he was a cop the say uh the staypuff marshmallow man was a sailor if you'll recall yeah it was a little different but it was i i based that on the on the angelus man and the pillsbury doughboy or the Michelin Tireman, all cute, pudgy little creatures.

Speaker 205 Wow, sure, but watch out. They have a bad side.

Speaker 62 What do you think is the best profession for someone made entirely of marshmallow?

Speaker 63 Good question.

Speaker 42 Would it be a cop or a sailor or maybe another job?

Speaker 14 Unemployed.

Speaker 164 Oh, psychiatrist.

Speaker 205 Because you could just keep peppering them, they'd absorb.

Speaker 92 Keep peppering them, then they'd absorb.

Speaker 5 And they wouldn't need a couch.

Speaker 1 You could just lie on their stomach and talk about your problems.

Speaker 205 Well,

Speaker 205 I hope I've helped you here for your project.

Speaker 205 Is someone actually going to try to cook this meal?

Speaker 33 Yeah, Bonito's going to try and cook it.

Speaker 10 Ah. There we are.

Speaker 30 Well, you did help us with our project, Dan.

Speaker 39 Thank you so much.

Speaker 6 You helped us so much with our project.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 1 In a way.

Speaker 46 I mean, in the short term, it didn't feel like you had.

Speaker 92 But

Speaker 27 when it went out.

Speaker 11 It was like...

Speaker 1 If you're like, oh, can I have some help with my homework, please, Dad? And then your dad does the

Speaker 1 entire project for you in his own words without looking you in the eye, and then says he hopes he helped and leaves.

Speaker 26 Yeah, and then the teacher looks at it and goes, Your dad did this, your dad did this, you don't know about this stuff, yeah.

Speaker 41 Half of it's about vodka, yeah.

Speaker 1 So that's the end of part one of the best of. Don't worry though, because there will be a part two, and it'll be out tomorrow.

Speaker 28 Goodbye, goodbye, everybody.

Speaker 94 Ainsley, anything to say on the matter?

Speaker 59 Get back in your lounge.

Speaker 26 It's high time someone's on with you.

Speaker 117 Finally, someone said it.

Speaker 138 Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

Speaker 159 I'm Sarah. And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.
We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

Speaker 159 The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies. Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.
Single ladies is coming to London.

Speaker 159 True on Saturday, the 13th of September. At the London Podcast Festival.
The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place. Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.