Ep 132: Harry Hill (Christmas Special)

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, the little pizza table that keeps the hot cheese of bad vibes from the pizza lid of the internet.

How's that?

I liked it.

Switched it up a bit?

Yeah, yes.

I mean, the listener might know that you did a take one at that where you were kind of saying, it kind of sounded like, you know, we were stopping the good times getting to the lid of the internet almost.

No,

I guess it's the cheese is the bad times.

Yes.

Which is not true, obviously.

Oh, we're the little plastic.

Finally, he admits it.

We're the little plastic.

He's trying to blast through it.

But he finally confesses that cheese is the bad times.

No, cheese is the is the good times we got it on wax cheese is the good times especially with the yard sale off menu christmas dream pizza available now from all yard sale pizza locations he confessed

he confessed that cheese is the bad times ed gamble confessed it my name is james a caster and i'm a winner this is the off menu podcast we invite a guest into the dream restaurant and we asked them their favorite ever start a main course dessert side dish and drink not in that order and this week it's a christmas special and our guest is

harry hill it's the second christmas special in this run of two christmas specials very excited to have the wonderful harry hill joining us wow we harry hill everyone's favorite cheeky uncle he is a cheeky uncle yeah especially i'm guessing if he's your actual uncle yeah then he must be like super super cheeky uncle he's a double unknown yeah he's a double unk because he's everyone he's the nation's uncle but he's also your uncle yes what a wonderful comedian harry hill's TV Burp.

One of the best TV shows ever.

Absolutely.

Love it.

I mean, looking back, for probably over a decade afterwards, everyone was trying to do it as well.

That's how you know a good show.

Yeah.

You nail it, and then everyone goes, do you know what we should do?

We should all do clips that we found online or on other TV shows.

I bet that'll be funny, just like Harry Hill.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

No one's as funny as Harry Hill, so bad luck.

I guess they found a way of doing it with Gogglebox.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's sort of a riff on TV burp, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, that's ultimate TV burp.

And now, like, you know, all over the internet, people do reaction videos to stuff.

I mean, Harry Hill started it all.

Still the original.

Still the OG uncle, watching the TV and reacting to it.

You've been framed.

Well, I mean, he wasn't the OG that.

No, of course.

But he resurrected the format and perfected it.

Thank you, Harry.

But looking forward to speaking to him.

But of course, even though he's done all of these wonderful things, as well as being, let's not forget, a fantastic stand-up comedian.

Even though he's done all of those things if he says a secret ingredient that we have predetermined we will kick him out of the dream restaurant james

what is the secret ingredient for harry hill this week secret ingredient is whoves

hooves he did a show called hooves that's why we're being cheeky yes thinking maybe we're trying to be cheeky uncles yeah we're cheeky cousins aren't we we're cheeky little cousins each other's cousins or we're both brothers and we're someone else's cousins no we're someone else's cousins but we're cousins to the same people so we only really see each other at weddings yeah yeah but we get on we get on but we only see each other at weddings that's what we aspire to one day yeah

once this visa this hellish facade of a podcast has come to an end we'll only see each other at weddings just see each other at weddings i mean let's face it though by the time it is over more likely to be funerals yes so we are cheeky cousins harry's a cheeky uncle yeah what's the great benito well the great bonito is obviously the scrappy little nephew running around with a snotty little nose yeah

how do you feel about that one?

Yep, like

we'll probably be chatting to Harry about his new book, Fight.

Yeah.

Autobiography.

Everyone should know what that's a reference to.

Yes.

If they don't,

where you been?

Where you been, guys?

Where you been, guys?

Great book.

Can't wait to ask about it.

Can't wait to hear what his meal is.

Yes.

Very excited.

And also, we're not going to chat about this, but I'm on tour in February, James.

I'd start my tour in February, goes through till April.

Ed Gamble, Electric.

Edgamble.co.uk for details.

Buy yourself some tickets for Christmas.

Oh, I'm gonna, because Ed still refuses to give me freebies.

No way.

He won't do it.

We must act like the general public, James.

We're not the government.

We're not the government.

Congratulations.

Well, look, if Anton Deck are doing satire, I'm going to join in as well.

Yeah, you've done well.

Anton Deck doing satire?

We'll talk about it later.

Okay.

But now, here's the off-menu menu of Harry Hill.

Welcome, Harry Hill, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thanks very much.

Welcome, Harry Hill, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

It's the genie.

It's the restaurant.

How do you feel about genies, Harry?

Well, one of my first breaks in show business was when I was nine.

I was with a Twankie in...

You know the name of the Panto, I think.

Aladdin, I believe.

Aladdin, yeah.

You genies would know this.

Yeah, yeah, I know the name.

May I say, before this anecdote even continues, nine?

Pretty young to play Twanky.

Well, yeah.

The youngest Twanky in history.

It was, sorry, I should have prefaced that.

It was the Cub Panto.

Okay.

Right, okay.

So everybody.

But even then, it was, I was young.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Because, you know, cubs goes up to about 11, I think.

Yes, I think you are.

So there were a few people, obviously, that were passed over for the role.

And I can't remember who played the genie, actually.

That's a big role, but it's ageless as well.

So it could have been one of the newer cubs.

But it was really,

you know aladdin's what put genies on the map i think yeah big time yeah it was huge for us yeah aladdin and also i mean to be fair aladdin did a lot for widows as well yeah yeah it's between them and scottish widows isn't it yeah yeah

it was the two main widow uh promotional devices yeah did you um certainly in terms of like positive representation of widows because a lot in a lot of the other stuff they're very sad there was the uh yeah yeah the tv serial widows yeah

quite on the nose as a title for it weren't messing around.

I suppose there's The Spider, the Black Widow.

Now, of course, the superhero Black Widow, you know, own film franchise.

Probably wouldn't have happened were it not for Widow Twanky.

Did you do a lot of research for Widow Twinkie?

She was like the seed widow.

Did you talk to a lot of widows before you played Widow Tankie?

Did research.

I hung around the Undertakers.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Nine years old.

You visiting your husband.

Yeah, so I did do a lot of that research.

I know that the kid playing Aladdin had ginger hair.

Right.

So

he wasn't a natural choice

for the role.

I want to give him a shout out.

Yeah, I was just talking to him in the car and they were here.

Funny enough, is the lasons?

Yeah.

Because his mum's just died.

Okay.

Sorry.

It's true.

Yeah, that's true.

My mum, you know, like, I don't know about you.

My mum's 84.

Yeah.

And she's all her friends keep dying.

And so she's got so blase about it.

So this is my best friend Ad from school.

Yeah.

And she says, she just texts me saying, oh yeah great to see you at christmas uh adam's mum died it's like that yeah like

another one gone you know this just become so blase did you ring him up to give him because obviously you yourself have been a widow before did you ring him up to give him advice on the the grieving process well he wouldn't be a widow no that's not what

he'd be an orphan yeah i know i know the kids don't get called widows

widow junior widow junior there's a there's a film

widow junior would be a film that you could pitch.

Just going to say again, kiddos.

There you go.

Just so you can clean.

There you go.

What's that?

Ed's joke is.

Sorry, I'll tell you.

Kid Winners.

Kiddos.

Kiddos.

I'd like

to spoke with a W at the end?

Yes.

This is one of our stronger starts.

I think so.

I'd say.

If this is a strong start, I'd like to hear some of the other starts.

I tell you.

I guess you should just do like a start special, which is like a compilation of all the starts.

Yeah, it would be good.

yeah.

So, maybe like we could get all the starts and put them in a certain order that they might make their own narrative.

Exactly the sort of thing you'd think of.

Yeah, this is exactly the trend.

Yeah, this is my one of my beef about, forgive me, younger comedians.

In the old days,

you just used to be able to just tell jokes for an hour.

Yeah, you didn't have to build to anything.

It didn't have to be any narrative, so-called narrative.

We weren't all storytellers back then, we were just funny.

We were just funny people

You can't make out, Harry Hill.

Like, that's all you did with your shows.

You put a lot into the structure.

You put a lot into it.

You would take a routine, you would divide it up into all its separate bits, and then you would shuffle it all together like that.

You think of it.

Then what's talking about effort?

Older comics were looking at you going.

Look at that with a structure.

Back in my day, you could just do a routine as a whole.

You didn't have to shuffle it in with all the other routines, have it be all the callbacks and the end.

This is absolutely...

what are those horns he's honking

actually they they like those those were stolen from my lockup recently i went to get them i thought maybe you know like when you when you've got a i've got a tour coming up and i'm thinking oh what can i recycle it must be something i could you know do that that sort of panic yeah and i go down there and i've got i've i've got this big uh metal case for them in this lockup under all this stuff i share the lockup it's a double garage yeah yeah right it's a lock-up garage and one side of it his side is piled high with look like rags it's just like rags okay

and I get down there one day and I've got all my props and stuff right stuff I don't really need he's there with a white van and he's sorting all this stuff out and he said oh I'm from Nigeria and I send this stuff back to Nigeria I run this charity

I thought oh fair enough you know and on close inspection it wasn't just rags and then one day I go in it's been cleared out gone he's gone two years pass lockdown I go to investigate to get this metal box.

I open the metal box out empty.

He's taken it.

So you think...

Well, what's he doing with them?

What was in there that you were looking for?

The horns from your show.

They were lined up.

Well, I don't know if you've seen Bill Bailey's later show.

I think I know exactly what they've gone for.

So you think that maybe the man who sent stuff for charity to Nigeria maybe sent your horns to Nigeria?

I think before he went, he had a little route around.

There were also two Lilos that were missing.

Why do you think he specifically took the horns and then the two lilos?

I'm thinking maybe he's floating the horns across.

Why couldn't he send them?

Oh, so the moat, and he's not floating them all the way to Nigeria.

There's a moat in Nigeria that he needs to get the horns across.

How far do you reckon?

Let me answer.

May I just address that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm just saying stretch of water.

I'm not saying specifically a moat.

How far do you reckon you could get those horns on two lilos if you had to get them from here to Nigeria?

How far do you reckon you could get?

Me, personally.

If you've got a, yeah, you've got the two lilos, you're putting the horns on them.

Yeah.

What's the furthest you would?

Further I can swim.

So you would you would be with them all the two lengths.

Two lengths.

I personally would.

Eventually I'd push them and hope that the sea takes.

Well,

if you could get the tides right, if you could judge the tides correctly.

So

if you could ride those tides,

you could get all the the way to Nigeria.

As you were swimming towards the shore of Nigeria, pushing the two Lilos with the horns on them.

Yeah.

Who's that?

Is that how you would get that attention?

Your book's out?

Fight?

Fight, yes.

It's an autobiography.

Tells my story.

Thought there was a bit of a gap in the market this year for comedians autobiographies.

Finally.

Where do you think it sits in the like...

Whose life story?

In the chart.

Whose life story do you think?

You've definitely got a better life story than that comic?

Well, superficially, my life story is not terribly dramatic.

I mean, it's a nice life, but it's not a good story.

Is it a real autobiography, Harry?

It is.

Sometimes

I don't trust you to tell the truth.

Yeah, I have written, I wrote one, which was

called Living the Dream, which was...

I committed to writing, it was like a diary thing, an entry for one every day of the year.

And I came up 10 days short.

So I engineered that I was hit over the head and went into a coma for 10 days.

Yeah,

so there's a cap.

There's a cap.

And I wake up from the coma.

Yes, a useful device, literally device.

Very good.

The coma.

I always thought that was the thing with a.

If you were in a coma, if you went into a coma for like five years or something, they would keep you up to date with the hairstyles.

The man in bed four is looking terribly dated.

Could we do a peaky blinders?

We always start with still a sparkling water.

Still water.

With your dream, Meals.

I'm saying still water.

Really still though.

How still?

No ripples.

No ripples.

Because it's like, you know, the...

Ripples of time.

The ripples of time and, you know, how one small movement can end up with a huge effect.

You don't like to be reminded of the chaos theory.

Yeah, the butterfly effect when you're sitting down for a glass of water.

Yeah.

I understand that.

I always took that butterfly effect thing, you know, like was it the if a butterfly flaps its wings in

Stretton, there's a typhoon in there's a typhoon in the Maldives.

And I always took from that that what we should do is kill butterflies.

That's the

because they're causing so much trouble.

Yeah, yeah.

Pop it up as our bread.

Pop it up as our bread, Harry Hill.

Pop it up as our bread.

Bread.

Straight away.

Any particular sort of bread that you're into?

I like a bread that is sort of elasticky and oily.

Wow.

So where does that take us?

For For catching.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Coming at you.

Yeah, for catcher, coming at you.

I mean, bread's changed so much in my lifetime.

Is this going to be a rant about younger comedians?

Here we go.

Here we go.

The old popper bear thing.

Bread threatened again.

Bread needs structure now, doesn't it?

The narrative.

You know, there weren't all these different types of bread.

No.

You know, it's one of the things that I'm, you know, I'm lucky to have lived through.

Yeah.

Do you think that sometimes?

I do, yeah yeah it was just white sliced but you brown brown came in yeah how many breads were so like two breads when you were a lot crusty loaves yeah

and uh just regular soft loaves soft and crusty we we were told that the crust had more fibre in it so that's where the whole thing of eat make sure you eat your crusts comes from gives you a hairy chest i was always told that if you eat your crusts Look at that, bad boy.

I mean, for the listener, Harry Hill just flashed his hairy chest.

It's funny because I don't think of you you as having a hairy chest.

When would you be thinking about that?

Hairy back?

Not so much.

Not at all.

I guess we should stop that line of questioning at the back.

Well,

it's you up next.

Arms?

Hairy arms?

Forearms.

Pits.

Taking the pits.

Bad luck.

I don't want to joke better.

So you want stretchy, elastic, oily bread?

Yes.

With anything with it?

You want some butter?

You want some daily?

I'll have some olive oil with olive in there, yeah.

Balsamic?

Just olive oil.

Just olive oil.

What you want against balsamic?

I just prefer the oil.

And it's a bit sweet, isn't it?

The balsamic.

I find it a little bit sweet.

Can be sweet, can't it?

Do you like an olive within your focaccia or a sun-dried tomato?

Well, you know, uh, my son dries tomatoes.

Your son tries tomatoes?

Yep.

Oh, fell for that for a second.

Hook, line, and sinker.

Yeah, I was doing a gig with Harry last night and he said that on stage.

Yeah, he set me up.

That's it.

And they fell for it, hook, line, and sinker, to the extent that Harry had to explain what the joke was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I had to look at my watch and do that one.

I like those jokes sometimes that you that only that half of them get.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you should come and see me one day.

I must.

Yeah, so sun-dried tomatoes.

I mean, I think I just like the focaccia, straightforward focaccia.

You know, this whole thing about the lockdown, everyone started baking bread and all that.

I did actually try it

and bake focaccia with some success.

Some success.

I made the dough.

I forgot to put the olive oil in.

Quite important.

Initially.

So the dough is like dough.

Yes.

And I thought I better add the,

it's not too late to add the olive oil.

So I poured the olive oil, but then it becomes like a big slippery ball of dough because you can't then get the olive oil to penetrate into the

but

you know I persevered and at the end of it it was all it was quite convincing.

Wow, yeah.

It always looks hard for catcher whenever I see people do it on Bake Off or anything like that.

It's easy.

Really hard.

It's really easy.

You did well on Bake Off, didn't you?

Well, yeah, given that I was against Martin Kemp, who put his buttercream icing in the oven.

I mean like duh he got his

whatever it is the batter mixed up with the ice icing oh he switched them out he put the icing in the in the oven and the dough in the fridge

yeah what a prat

yeah so I was up against him I was up against uh Rasheen Connerty.

Yeah.

So, you know, to go any further,

she made so much gingerbread, it was like

a mountain of gingerbread, just great big lumps of it just rolling it rolling out it was like this thick she's rolling and then it's that thick and it's just so much rolling and rolling and rolling and bill turnbull

who uh yeah just beat him yeah

have you done it you've done it right yeah

james is famously the worst celebrity back off

was it something really runny you made yeah flapjacks i i would absolutely trade places with kemp in a heartbeat

i kill for that story i thought i wish i just put ice and in the oven i was surprised because i thought oh this is just a laugh and then you get the instructions through and it's all like do this and what are you gonna blah blah blah and then and then in the tent they were quite serious martin kemp was quite um steely-eyed about it

maybe i guess he had to change that attitude pretty quickly once he put the button he had to pretend that he hadn't come in to win and he laughed just to gay it was all for charity and a bit of fun but i bet he went home just trashed his room lost have having fucking hell yeah he's seen having hell on TV he's a scamp he beat me is it which one's he married you Shirley or Pepsi Shirley I think yeah he's most Shirley yeah yeah I put me buttercream he said

the oven shell

never mind have your dinner come on

more Junior Bakoff yes I filmed that in the summer that is the I have to say the best job I have ever had.

Wow.

I loved I love Junior Bakoff so much.

I get so invested.

Yeah.

It's so good.

They're great, those kids.

They're so funny.

You know, they are uh they're just constantly surprising.

Yeah.

To me, you know, I mean, obviously some of them give me a bit of a hard time.

And I've had to sort of take one or two into a corner and say, Look, mate, the bits that stay in are the bits with me

Open up a bit more.

Um what they don't show you is all the crying and the

trying to cut that out.

It's a very cruel program.

And the wasps, because there are a lot of wasps as well, kids, wasps.

That sounds funny.

I'd like to see the wasp edit.

Yeah, I'd like to see just pure wasp cut.

Just like you

flapping wasps away from the kids.

Well, what they do is they put up a fake wasps nest.

You know this.

No?

Yeah, you can buy these commercially.

They're a fake wasp's nest.

But you hang up in the,

and that the wasps think, oh, it's already taken oh right because i would have thought that would have attracted wasps yeah because if someone like put a fake shop up somewhere i'd be like oh we'll go over there and have a look at the shop oh no if you're a shop owner oh that's true yeah yeah you go you'd say no i'm not gonna yeah yeah yeah you think well i'm not gonna open a shop here yeah there's another shop

but then although it doesn't it's not the same with antique shops is it you often get a string of antiques.

A cluster.

What if you attract a bear though because you've put up a big wasp's nest and the bear thinks this is great.

You couldn't cut.

What?

Honey.

You couldn't cut that out of Junior Baker for a bear came in.

You'd have to leave that in the edit.

You could cut around some of it.

The director trying to take it out of a Zapped tennis racket.

Just trying to zap the bear.

Yeah.

Well, I've often thought, you know, that like people talk about in the future when mankind has died out, what would take over?

And often it, well, back in the sort of 80s, people would often say dolphins because they were considered intelligent and able to communicate with each other i always thought it would be bears yeah

because they can pretty much move straight in yeah because everything is the right height

kitchens cars yeah yeah yeah yeah big clothes like yeah the bigger size baggy clothes yeah baggy clothes yeah yeah

yeah they could slot right in couldn't they wouldn't have to do any alterations pretty much just take it over yeah they'd love go to paddington station they've already got the statue there yeah they even named the station after us this is great

your dream starter we're getting into your meal proper now

what i saw that you were trying to look at it i didn't look like it's written it down

i'm not i'm not trying to

i don't want any spoilers um

don't need to

keep on top of me i promise i won't be there uh well i've got uh potted shrimps oh lovely shrimps now nice now i i'm gonna hold my hands if i don't know what shrimps are but i've never heard of potted shrimps before.

Well, they're like shrimps.

Well, they are shrimps in butter.

But

the butter's like hard cold butter.

Hard,

hard, cold butter that's got like a nutmeg-y flavour to it.

Yeah.

With shrimps embedded in it.

What is the rage?

Because I'm now picturing like Jurassic Park, you know, the amber with the mosquito in the middle.

Think again.

It's not one shrimp in the middle of a load of butter.

You don't need to.

If you want a fossil reference, it's more like sedimentary rock.

Yeah.

You know, with the little shells all

around.

So what's the, like, how much space is there between each shrimp?

Some of them are actually very close, would be touching each other.

Yeah, I would say.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

It's not, it's like rush hour.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Rush hour on the tube on the central line.

Yeah.

And butter.

Yeah.

Yeah, but with butter.

If you were to fill a carriage of the central line with butter.

And shrimp.

No, the people of the shrimp.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For this analogy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then

chill chill it down.

Yeah.

Because you'd never be able to eat that amount of potted shrimps if it was shrimps.

But your kid could eat that amount of human if it was in the tube carriage on the central line.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like that, put his hand in.

Yeah.

Rip the end off and put his hand in at that.

Yeah.

I love potted shrimp.

Rarely appears on a menu anymore.

You don't really see it.

It's sort of, I'll be honest, we initially for our wedding, Harry, not me and James,

my wife, we had...

Congratulations.

Thank you.

We had potted shrimp on the menu.

Oh, you did.

And then the caterer went bust.

And the new one was not on board with potted shrimp.

They didn't have potted shrimp available.

Went bust, wow.

Yeah.

It was over COVID, of course.

Right.

But we were really looking forward to those potted shrimp.

Yeah.

Well, it's, you know, and this is, it comes back to your question about bread because it's served with toast.

So you've got more bread now?

It comes with toast.

So actually, you probably wouldn't order bread.

So you're going to trade it to Poppinom's?

No.

It's it's a fault in the format, of course.

In that y it's rigid.

Yeah, oh there's many faults in this format, Harry.

So I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I've just picked one up.

What kind of toast are you having?

I think it's just bread.

Is it brown bread toasted?

I think it is, yeah.

Brown, just like sliced white.

So it's cold, it's all cold.

The shrimps are cold.

Yeah.

But the toast is warm.

The toast is warm.

Hot, yeah.

And do you like put the knife in and then spread this stuff on the toast?

Yeah.

The butter and the shrimp on the side.

That's what you do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I suppose it's a bit like a sort of torini type thing.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

I mean, the what classic is Morecombe Bay, isn't it?

Morecombe Bay potted shrimps.

Right.

There's a lot of shrimping goes on there.

Uh-huh.

And when I was a kid, we would shrimp.

We would go shrimping.

You know, this is when the oceans were stocked full of living creatures.

You know, you just have to dip your

your shrimp net into the water down there in Eastbourne and come back with it would be teeming with all sorts of living creatures, shrimps and

seahorses, seahorses,

potted seahorses,

not as popular now these days.

You wouldn't get as many seahorses in, I guess.

How big is a seahorse?

'Cause I'll be honest, when I imagined it there, it was the size of a like a small.

They're about that big, aren't they?

Yeah.

Yeah,

little action figure size.

So you'd maybe get three seahorse and a potted seahorse.

Yeah.

Which isn't good enough.

There's no relationship between seahorses and sea monkeys, is there?

No, no more than there is between, like, I guess, monkeys and horses.

Right.

Or you think it's as distant as that?

Well, monkey, but think about

Planet of the Apes, monkeys ride horses.

Oh, yeah, good point.

Do you think there's a sort of scaled-down remake of Planet of the Apes possible where a sea monkey can ride a seahorse?

A water one.

I was just thinking about that.

If you were a horse and you think, and the monkey gets on and starts riding, you're thinking,

what?

come off it wouldn't you you don't think you'd accept it no straight away no not at all no

i mean if your version of the future is true they're gonna have bears try to get on them yeah they're gonna have a bear saddling up yeah i mean at that point when you're a horse i reckon you would still think what but you would think i'm gonna have to bear up with this yeah yeah because this bear's gonna eat me if i'm threatening because they don't prove to be useful yeah

whereas monkeys you could go

buck this off.

Yeah, exactly.

Run off.

Yeah, yeah.

Who cares?

What was the question?

Seahorses.

You used to

used to catch your shrimp.

Yeah, little boy.

Yeah, I would.

Yeah, I'd catch those shrimps and then we would take them back to the holiday home.

You know, if we had a bed and breakfast or something.

Yeah.

Would you pot them yourself, though?

We would boil them

and eat them just like that.

We wouldn't have

wouldn't pop them though.

Delicious, just as they were.

No, it was a lot hard work.

It was a lot of work.

Because they were very tiny.

Yeah.

We were almost like filter feeders.

You'd have to have so many to get a mouthful.

My family are filter feeders, sister.

I've explained that.

Yeah.

The gaps between our teeth.

You see that, but

just suck up krill and...

Yeah.

Harry Krill.

Thought that?

Carrie Krill.

Carrie Krill.

Your sister.

My sister.

Sister Carrie Krill.

My drag alter ego.

Carrie Krill, that'd be great.

I think people are ready for that.

Yeah.

Carrie Krill would be like the opening support actor, come on in drag.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it would be American, but it would be over.

It's an all-American are there.

Hi, everyone.

It's me, Carrie Krill.

How are you doing?

Who wants a shrimp?

And then you have five buckets of shrimp.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's not so unbelievable an idea that you would do that.

No.

Probably a lot of your fans are listening to us now.

I don't know how to do it.

We want Carrie.

We'll be chanting that all the way through the first act.

Yeah, right.

Okay.

It was just a throwaway comment on a podcast.

How did I know it was going to be downloaded 700 million times?

The most popular podcast in history.

We want Carrie.

All right, all right, I'll do it.

Who wants a shrimp?

Yay!

Your gabbage is just full of shrimp at the end of it.

It would be turned into a shrimp hatchery.

Yeah, you get a phone call.

I'm having complaints from your neighbour.

It says your gabbage absolutely stinks.

And you go in there and he's turned off the electricity, and all his shrimps have died.

Oh no, it's all died.

Another batch died.

Yeah, another batch.

I'd have to get them wholesale.

I think the potted shrimp sounds very

where did you first have?

I'm surprised you haven't had it.

Never heard of it before.

Really?

Never even heard of it.

It's very like because you've got the warm toast and then you sort of get down into the potted shrimp, spread it on.

Some of it melts, some of it stays solid.

You get that delicious, like, buttery taste.

What did you have for your wedding starter in the end i'm trying to remember scallops what i had yeah i had the scallops there two choices scallops with a like a longesteen bisque sauce yeah and uh

truffle gnocchi what would you have if you had gone to ed's wedding what would you have ticked on scallops scallops scallops or gnocchi I would have scallops probably, but I'm worried with mass catering if it's cold.

I don't know.

No, no, no, it was good.

It was good stuff.

Yeah, it was good stuff, right?

It was warm, but obviously, yeah, we could have a lot of water.

It's just with the other cater before you arrived.

I'm busted and thinking.

Yeah, yeah.

How are they choosing the caterers?

It's the second choice.

We'll come to what was on the rest of the menu later and find out your full menu for Ed's wedding.

What food did you have at your wedding, Harry?

Bloody hell, so long ago.

25 years this year.

Oh, wow.

Congratulations.

Thank you so much.

We got married in Wandsworth Registry Office.

So we started off in our house, which is a short walk.

My stomach's going mental.

I'm so sorry.

It was the potted shrimp.

Yeah.

It's kind of happening.

It's not nice, aren't it?

It should have happened earlier.

The longest.

It was doing a whole thing.

It was a real long, like, mew.

Yeah.

And I was like trying to figure out.

His stomach's got tinnitus.

What is that?

And I realised it was Ed's stomach, but I'll leave it alone.

And then it just really went off on one again, like a theremin or something.

I apologise.

The start of Doctor Who.

That would be an act.

Yeah.

Really's got talent, wouldn't it?

So, what are you going to do for us today, Ed?

Theremin sound from the beginning of Doctor Who with my stomach.

So the weddings at Wandsworth Registry Office, you can walk from your house.

So we went, no, well, so everyone came to our house.

Because the wine bar that we had it in, the do, we can only get 50 people in.

So that's actually quite a good, I don't know about you, but if it's open-ended, everyone says, oh, what about Auntie Sanso?

Yeah.

Yeah, about Sansa.

Oh, she'd like to come, you know, and they all start spiraling.

Everyone's got their input.

So we were quite, in a way, it was quite good.

No, we met at the registry office, registry office, back to our house for champagne, right?

I bought sale or return.

Yeah.

Loads of bottles of champagne.

And everyone got absolutely trashed, right?

Really drunk in a sort of crazy way.

There were

a cigarette burn in one of the speaker

fronts.

That gives you some idea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bethlehem.

Yeah.

It's like Sodom and Gomorrah.

And then we go across the road.

We walk across the road to the wine bar.

And in answer to your question, I think it was choices.

And I know one was duck.

One was like confit of duck.

That's what I had.

I don't remember what the starter was or the pudding.

I was just so happy.

Don't tell us who if the answer is yes, but were there any comedians at your wedding?

Al Murray.

Well, I mean, you

well, isn't that funny?

I said, don't tell us who if the answer is yes.

I was trying to do a guessing game and we guessed what comedians were at your wedding.

And I would have guessed Al.

Al Murray, yeah.

We all know you're.

I mean, fair to say, Thickest Thieves?

Yeah.

You and Al Murray?

Thick as thieves, yeah.

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So your main course.

We've got the potted shrimp to start.

What's that tear us up for?

The mains.

I'm going for spag vong.

Spaghetti vongole.

Spag vong.

No one's ever called it spag vong before and I and I don't know why.

No.

Spag vong.

No, this is another dish I've not heard of.

Oh mate, you have

this coming off on the podcast before.

Spag vong.

Spag von.

What?

Someone's had spaghetti bongole before, definitely.

No way.

Well, vongole, sometimes, isn't it, pronounced?

No way.

Why?

Vongole.

Describe the dish.

Maybe I've made it.

Well, it's spaghetti.

Yes.

Yeah.

With a sort of, well, with clams, little baby clams, aren't they?

Yes.

I don't know why it's called vongo.

Where's the vongole come from?

Press that means.

Italian for clams, perhaps.

It must mean

baby clams.

And that's a sauce is sort of, what is it, sort of oily, oily, garlicky chili, bit of chili in there as well.

Yeah.

Love that.

A little bit of tomato.

It is nice.

And what I like about it is unlike some of the other,

obviously the spaghetti bolognese,

although it's the kind of, you remember hear Prince Charles pronounce spaghetti bolognese?

Spaghetti bolognese.

Yeah, we had some spaghetti bolognese.

Is that it without a very far...

I mean, obviously we've got to ask you where you heard the story.

No, it's on the news or something.

It's just somewhere.

But the whole story was the commentary.

We had some spaghetti bolognese.

I don't know.

I was trying to work out what news item that would be.

And you saw it and you thought, I'll never forget that.

I'm never going to forget it.

But I have a sort of slight obsession with those two.

With those two?

Who's the other one?

Camilla.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And a bit with Princess Anne.

What does this obsession entail?

Do you think about them a lot and what they'll be doing on a day-to-day basis?

I'd rather not go into it.

I mean, I kind of think.

Well,

he's just a very funny character to me, Prince Charles.

This sort of big baby has kind of come across as a big baby, isn't it?

And I'm fascinated by his hands.

You just have a look at his hands in some of the photographs.

They're like big red, like sausages, big wall sausages.

Swollen.

And his rings are all sort of tight on his fingers.

Is that a medical thing?

I mean, you've got to.

I've thought that.

I've looked at it thinking, is that a medical thing?

But it's not one I know of.

No.

That's not saying a hell of a lot.

Yeah.

Because I guess people

like everyone knows.

There's not many comics who everybody knows what they did before comedy but with you absolutely everyone knows that you were a doctor and I tried to keep it quiet when I first started what I didn't want I didn't want to be known as the doctor comedian yeah

because there was a couple there were a couple around and there was that struck off and died you ever see them they're like a double act no the whole act was about being a doctor and you know and they and they rose very quickly because it was like a new thing or you know junior doctors lifting the lid

and i was really sort of dogged about not mentioning it in interviews, but you only have to mention it once, and it's kind of such a good story to the public.

You know what I mean?

For some reason, they just love, they just, I don't know if they

don't even like the idea.

They don't even like the idea necessarily, but it's just like, oh, wow, you gave up all that five years at medical school and, you know, all that.

And I've had that, I've had, you know, very rarely, but it has happened, is that cab drivers say, oh, you

wasted it all.

You should be going back to it, mate.

We need doctors.

What are you punching about on stage for?

And there's people dying.

The stomach's going again?

God, I can't.

It's unbelievable.

I didn't catch that one, no.

So you wailing.

You got a diagnosis?

Yeah, yeah.

Why is this still

going off?

I had lunch, yeah.

You had lunch.

I saw him eat it.

I've been eating a lot this week, Harry, and then I had quite a sort of light-ish lunch, so maybe it's just not...

It's not used to...

Talking of rings on fingers as well.

You've got more rings than I thought you'd have.

One is a wedding band.

Before you came in here, I thought he's going to have nothing on his hands and the smoothest chest I've ever seen.

He said that to me.

I love a bungalow.

I wouldn't pick it a lot of the time just because I'm so sort of meat focused.

Oh, are you?

Yeah, but are you, are you not, because we've had two shellfish so far.

Are you a meat eater or are you just a shellfish fan?

I do eat meat, you know, of course, but I'm trying to eat less.

I mean, not terribly successfully, but I'm aware that, you know, this is the drive now.

Yeah.

My wife has stopped eating pigs after she she saw that documentary where they sort of trained them to

play the xylophone or whatever it was you see that

i don't know who it was was it uh hugh fernley whitting still one of that bunch

still trained a pig to play the xylophone was it jamie one of them right

they made members of the public rear animals with the expectation that at the end that they would send them off to slaughter yeah so they had some families had chickens some families had pigs

and the pigs were and if you you watched it, you did think, yeah, this is like a really smart dog.

Right.

They trained them, go and get the blue ball, you know, they would go off and bring the blue ball back.

Now go and get the red ball.

Now go and

tidy your room.

I don't know what it was.

And she watched this, and

since that day, she wouldn't eat

anymore.

Some of them do tidy their room.

Craig Davis told me that he saw a video of it.

Craig David.

What did he say?

Greg Davis.

Oh, Greg Davis, yes.

But similar.

Yeah.

Similar.

Both born to do it.

He saw a video of a pig tidy in its room.

It's probably the same programme.

That's what Greg told me.

He saw a

tidying in its room.

Yeah, he said that he saw a YouTube video and the owner would be like, tidy in your room, pig, and the pig would go,

and then tidy in its room.

That's how Greg told it.

He did the snorting noise.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, that's what he told me.

He told me it during a TV show where he is in charge and everyone else has to do tasks.

and he was comparing the pig to my performance in the show and saying that the pig was better.

I see.

Yeah, because you tell the pig what to do when it does it.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

That's fair enough.

Yeah, that is a fair point.

So it didn't put you off pork?

Or did you not see that?

I was sort of drifting in and out of the show.

I didn't see all of it.

I saw some elements of it, but they're not enough to convince me of this.

No.

If you saw...

A video of a shrimp tidying its room, would that put you off botted shrimp?

I mean, it's it's about interpretation is it tidying its room or is it just sort of swimming around its room and there's sort of every now and then its tail would flick something into place by accident you know given an infinite amount of time yeah a shrimp will tidy its room as the old phrase goes yeah and what about if you saw a clam get the blue ball yeah

well it would have to get the blue ball and then get the red ball yeah yeah okay you would be convinced

once is a a coincidence.

Where do you think spaghetti vongolaise would factor into Carrie Krill's act?

Do you think

Carrie Krill would get the...

Because this is a seafood-based act.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, you're saying it's a.

I mean, it was just a coincidence that her name was Carrie Krill.

It doesn't sound like a coincidence, either.

You've got to lean into it.

Okay.

I think the audience would probably start chatting.

Vongolaise.

Well,

is it another persona called Yvonne Golay yeah Yvonne Goliath like that yeah yeah where's my best friend

Yvonne Golay

as Yvonne Vongolay

of course yeah but Al's got you know previous like dicey history with characters and people taking them at face value so for the rest of his life everyone's gonna be like you know he absolutely loves uh seafood that guy and he loves throwing spaghetti into audiences it's just what he's genuinely into and that empowers me.

I like to throw spaghetti at people as a result of watching Yvonne.

I feel like Yvonne would maybe use the shells as castanets.

That's the instant instance.

Yeah, I had in my mind a dance, some sort of dance.

Yeah, like a flamenco-style dance.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I hadn't got flamenco as far as flamenco, but I thought a dance.

Yeah.

Carrie Krill and Yvonne Golo.

Yeah.

I can see it.

I'd love to see UNL.

So good.

I did have an idea for a character, very briefly, which was

which was me

notionally me dressed as a clarinet.

So you can imagine it's got like a top, like a hat that goes into a tapered top in a sort of clarinet suit,

which incidentally you can't get from Smithy's because I checked.

Yeah.

And then I would come on and I'd go, I would make second do a clarinet noise and I would just do tunes.

Go on.

We're going to need to hear this.

Hang on.

Sorry.

Please.

Yes.

Hang on.

Hang on, I'm sorry.

So I get into it after a while.

Yeah.

I mean,

I'm going to be honest.

Real liberal use of the phrase.

I can do a clarinet voice.

You try it.

I mean, it's not.

No.

See, there's a timbre to it.

Doesn't sound anything like Woodwind.

Anyone listening to this will know that.

They'll be able to tell straight to it.

There'll be people listening to this and go, is Harry playing a clarinet?

Yeah, Harry must have played a clarinet.

And they're pretending that he's in...

Didn't the first time ever I saw your face?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it draws you in.

Right.

So Harry, this is a Christmas special.

So we like to ask our guests on the Christmas special what you like to eat on Christmas Day?

What's your dream Christmas meal?

Well yes, this is a slightly odd question because isn't there only one meal really unless you're a vegetarian?

Interesting.

Do you reckon?

Roast turkey.

That's it.

Do you like it?

Trimmings with all the trimmings.

Do you like the turkey and the trimmings?

Yeah, I do.

I like it.

Do you carve it?

Does someone else carve it?

I cook it and carve it, mate.

You cook it and carve it.

My brother, who is a farmer, an organic farmer, he supplies the turkey.

Dead.

It's a dead turkey.

It's dead.

Yeah, just for clarity.

And then we

roast it.

I usually do all that, you know, with the potatoes.

I won't list all the things that everyone knows.

This is a sort of patronising.

Do you want to hear your favourite trimmings in

rankum?

Rankum.

Rankum.

The trimmings.

The trimmings.

I would say

I do the roast potatoes.

Yeah.

It's just so pathetic.

Can't believe you're the first guest that's actually said that.

Roast potatoes, and I would try and get goose fat for those.

You know,

probably Nigella, who first turned this onto goose fat.

Yeah.

And

roast those, boil them first.

Which round the pan, yeah.

Yeah.

Shake them up.

Shake them up.

Get them crispy.

I heat.

I would

smother the turkey in butter.

And then I would turn it upside down.

This is, I think, a Nigella trick, isn't it?

Yeah.

Why are you turning it upside down?

So that the

fluid.

Yeah, disorientate it.

So all the fluid stays in the breasts.

I mean, I'd say that.

Turn it upside down.

So they remain moist.

and succulent.

And then you flipping it, you're flipping it back when they serve it.

You're not serving an upside-down turkey.

No.

And you turn it over for the last something, half-hour or something, just brown that off.

The only problem is it then does have a sort of cuboid look.

Okay.

I see.

So the top, you've got a flat-top, flat-topped turkey.

It's a flat-top turkey.

Yeah.

It's a flat-top turkey.

Yep.

That was a song.

That was a song, wasn't it?

Yep.

Can you play Fats Domino?

Can you play Flat Top Turkey on the clarinet?

No, I can't.

Yeah, since it's turning into a wobble board.

I can't just turn it on like that.

You know, I need to get into the character a bit with it.

Sorry, the skin.

Sorry, yeah, it's just out of nowhere.

That's like your repertoire.

Flat-top turkey.

So you got the crispy potatoes of number one on your trip.

Oh, God, yeah.

Was that as far as we've got?

We've roasted the turkey.

Yeah.

Stuffing.

I just like, you know, paxo, sage and onion.

Nothing, anything meaty or heavy because it's a very rich dish anyway.

Are carrots getting a look in here, Harry?

Carrots, yeah.

Batons or coins.

Are you roasting or are you boiling?

I thought you're just boiling.

Are you boiling?

That should be a new Christmas section we do.

Battons on coins.

Batons or coins.

Batons on coins, Harry Hill.

I'd always go batons, roasted batons.

I roast a carrot.

I love roast baton as well.

I love a roast carrot.

Yeah, I think it's a different flavour, isn't it?

Yeah, sweeter.

Yeah, sweeter.

Carrot coins are a bit screwed inners, aren't they?

Yeah.

Do you lose respect for people who serve you carrot coins?

Do you think?

Yeah.

pigs in blankets.

Are they not getting a look in now because your wife no longer wants to eat pork?

Yeah, she's actually seen a pig tidy up its own blanket,

fold it up neatly and put it at the foot of its bed.

Stow it away, yeah.

Yeah, in its bedroom.

Yeah, I've taken the sheets off if you.

So the pig talks?

He's only stayed by night.

Yeah.

Well, look, Carrot will.

I've taken the sheets off.

It's got something else coming in tomorrow.

So the pig's only staying over for one night.

Yeah, he's just bedding down for one night.

Yeah, to be tidy sheets off.

It's not even his room he's tidying.

Doesn't know where anything goes.

Just been a good guest.

Pigs in blankets.

Yeah, well, this is a problem if you have one member of the family, and we have a complicated family.

And I've got one daughter that's vegan.

One, I think, is vegetarian.

One is just regular.

And so am I.

My wife's just pork.

So then you have to cook these things separately, don't you?

Which increases the washing up, which is is uh,

would you do the washing up as well, or would that fall to someone who hasn't cooked?

Well, that's what the idea isn't it?

The idea would be that someone who hadn't cooked would do the washing up, but

my kids don't ever do the washing up.

You can't do the washing up because

rippling water reminds with the passing of time.

Yeah, yeah, you like that.

He remembered it.

So it's the narrative creeping.

You're a natural storyteller.

Well, we've got a dishwasher, but obviously that doesn't really do pans, does it?

No.

So, you know, it's a bit of a struggle.

And I try not to have an argument on Christmas Day about anyone else.

Yeah.

When we always end up having an argument.

Really?

Yeah.

I'd imagine it's very hard to argue with you and not laugh.

No, I'm very short-tempered.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean.

Very short-tempered.

You're standing there with your big collar having an argument.

I mean, I don't see how they're keeping that up.

Straight face.

I was having an argument with Harry.

Hold on.

Yeah.

No, I'm hardcore.

Well, you wear the big collar for work, though, right?

So Christmas, do you wear a very small collar to really take a day off?

Yeah, I just wear a t-shirt for a while.

I cannot imagine.

Holiday Mondays, Christmas Day,

Queen's birthday.

I think my head would explode if I saw you in a t-shirt.

I don't think I could handle it.

I get that all the time.

Oh, I didn't recognise you with that big collar on, mate.

Yeah.

Yeah, why aren't you working in them hospitals?

Soy people.

There's people dying in the streets.

There you are, punching about.

You've been framed.

Anyway, tell you what I do like to do, which is, because we have a roast, we probably have a roast most Sundays.

I know that's quite unusual these days.

But Christmas Day, I do the Devils on Horseback,

which are nice.

They are fiddly.

Yeah.

Warning, they are fiddly.

And you can only eat sort of three or four, can't you?

They're the prunes wrapped in bacon, right?

Prunes wrapped in bacon with a bit of mango chutney in the middle of the prune.

So, why can you only eat three or four?

Well, they're so rich.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Obviously, you've got the big meal coming down the line.

Yeah.

I reckon I could eat five.

You could.

He could.

I could eat.

I'll back him up on that.

He's not just shooting his mouth off.

Yeah, I could eat five prunes.

Prunes wrapped in bacon.

Yeah.

What do you reckon a horse would say when a devil gets on its back?

Jesus Christ.

Oh, fuck.

Impaste.

Oh, God is a devil.

Yeah.

I mean, he's scared.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And fair enough.

Yeah.

It's not going to, it's going to be like, I guess it's the devil staying on there.

Yeah.

Well, where's the devil going?

That's the point.

If you were a devil and you got on a horse, where would you be heading?

Stringfellows, I suppose.

String fellows now.

Whatever the devil's voice would sound like.

Yeah, but that's about right.

The dream side dish?

So you wouldn't really have a side dish with spaghetti vongolé, would you?

Or vongolais?

Well.

Well, you know, you don't need to necessarily worry about the menu all seeming like it fits together.

If you just want to throw a side dish in there that you like, no one's judging you for having a little side dish.

Okay, well, I'm saying manche too.

Lovely.

I like the manche too, but I couldn't eat a whole one.

It's a joke.

That's not really my side dish of choice.

It's not.

Yes, I do the manches.

Just wanted to resurrect that joke from 1997.

It's a good joke.

It is a good one.

I forgot to mention

when you're talking about roast dinners.

Your heckle put-down goes around the circuit a lot.

It's saying that you're going home and there's a nice roast chicken in the oven.

Well, you know how that came about?

No.

I had a roast chicken in the oven.

It's as simple as that.

You know, I always struggled.

You know, when you're, I don't really kind of think of myself as a character comedian, but I've got like an exaggerated persona.

I mean, I suppose it's all like a character.

And whenever I got heckled, I couldn't deal with it because you can't just go you know off I mean that's what I did to start with yeah and actually that's a bit in the book I get heckled at the hackney up a new act of the year and they used to hold the heats in the pub next door and I was on there and I got heckled and I just told this guy to F off

and he shut up right but then I got out the pub and was walking Helen Austin used to be do you remember her guitar act she was she had a car and she was going to give me an F back and I came out the pub and this guy came after me with a bottle.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

He smashed this bottle.

He's going,

he called me that and all this.

And

I said to Helen, bring the car around.

Right?

So

he sort of chases me around this car.

She pulls up, opens the door, jump in, slam it shut, vom, off.

So I struggled to come.

Yeah.

And then one night I did have a chicken in the oven.

And again, this guy heckles me.

And I say, oh, you heckle me now, but I'm safe in the knowledge that when i get home i've got a lovely chicken in the oven

yeah big laugh and then i came back and uh

ate the chicken

amazing and then you said it every time someone heckled you from then on well i came back and i almost like wanted to tell the chicken because i did it on my own then wanted to tell the chicken how grateful i was to it you never believe what happened tonight Did you put a chicken in the oven to cook and then nip out and do a gig?

I must have done.

Wow.

I must say that's good planning and also pretty brave.

Yeah.

Yeah, crazy.

Must have been the local gig.

Must have been slow cook the chicken.

Brown it off initially.

Yeah.

Slow heat.

Would you flip a chicken?

You don't need to.

You don't need to flip a chicken.

No.

You just don't need to.

This was pretty Nigella, I guess, so you would have known about the keeping the juice in the breasts, if we can say that.

I liked it.

Dry.

I like them dry, the breasts.

The chicken breasts.

Yeah.

Is that another heckle put down?

But I never came up with a better.

Where you got that?

Don't need one.

What was yours?

I just tell them to fuck off.

Yeah, I don't know.

And then get a package.

I get a car park and then quit for a year.

When I first started, there used to be,

you know, the stage newspaper?

The stage.

Yeah.

So when I gave up medicine, naively, I thought...

I went out and bought the stage because I thought that's what you did if you were in shape business.

And there was an advert in the back of the stage, 120 heckle put-down lines that you could send off for.

Because it's pre-internet.

Yeah.

so I thought, oh, yeah, I've got to have that.

So I sent off, and it was like photocopy sheets that came back with a staple in.

So it had the situation and the heckle put-down line for that situation.

So

man with moustache,

heckles.

Do you know what the heckle put-down?

No.

Is that a moustache or have your eyebrows come down for a drink?

Which is one of the better ones.

Yeah.

You've got a face I'd like to shake hands with.

Hey, do me a favor,

close the door from the outside

stuff like that.

Yeah, it's very specific.

Yeah, you'd really have to learn them as well because it would go right.

Wait, wait, there, I got one.

I've got one for that.

Mustache it, moustache.

Wow.

I think close the door from the outside.

Yeah.

I'm going to use that one.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

From the outside.

So, Monge 2 isn't your side dish.

On the Vangale?

No.

So we're not having Monge 2.

I mean, you can pass on the side if you want, or just have the Monge 2 for a joke.

So you can do that.

So it gives you the opportunity to do the joke at your dream level.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I will do the joke then.

Yeah, so you'd like the Monge 2 so you can do the joke.

So you can say I couldn't eat a whole one.

Because if truth be told, I find that sometimes Mongetu is a bit stringy.

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Well, we come on to your dream drink in that case.

The dream drink might be overstating it, but I like white, particularly with this meal,

because I am looking at this as a meal.

Yeah.

A glass or a bottle of Gavi DiGavi, the Gavi DiGavi.

Italian wine.

Yes.

A crisp white wine.

Are you much of a boozer, Harry?

I do like to drink, but only alone.

No, I like to drink and I like the effect of drink.

And I do, if I could be drunk all the time and be able to work and not suffer any ill effects, I think I would be.

This is a very going back to you being a doctor again, but a lot of doctors I've met I say would have this opinion.

That's not unusual, is it?

No, well, no, but I've just met a lot of doctors who really love

drugs.

no i never did any drugs no no i never did any drugs i'm surprised i never knew any dog i knew one yeah he became a psychiatrist but um

drink yeah well there's a big boozing but i like to drink it i like to drink before that yeah i'm not like i can't i can't hold my drink i mean this is the you know as you get older you can't

this is the thing we were my me and my friend we used to drink like i don't know five or six pints but that that's when beer was a pound

for a pint.

Yeah, and now we can only drink two pints, so it's sort of costing around the same amount to get drunk.

No, I do like to drink.

I do like drink.

I mean, I don't know about you, but I like,

I find it very difficult to come off after a ging and not have a drink.

Yeah, especially if, like, in if it's in London, you go straight back home and then lovely, have a little

glass of something.

I like the ones, I like doing a tour show, and for whatever reason, it finishes a bit earlier that night maybe it started earlier whatever it is you get back to the hotel your tour manager and you realize you haven't stayed up and had a drink for a few nights you've just been busy doing the tour and then you've

like when the idea pops into your head i want to suggest to my tour why i want to suggest to pull

why won't we drop our stuff up in our rooms and then we just meet back in the bar that's the nicest part of the drink i like well having the drink is all well i did that on my last tour and i don't tour much is

i had the uh tour manager waiting at the side of the stage with a pint of lager

for it come off so I could come off that's that sounds awful and that neck

not neck no not quite neck it but knock it back quite quickly yeah but the tour manager

got a sad look on his face

looking at you quite

there you go Harry

oh dear

but what I did when I first started was I used to go to the gigs you know when like you're the open spot I would go to the gigs and then I I would stay for the gig and I would drink as well.

Yeah.

And so that at that time I was getting drunk a lot.

Yeah.

So then I started driving to gigs and not drinking.

Because at club dates I don't drink.

You take do your own getaway car I guess after you've got a heckle put down.

You don't want to be running around a musical acts car over and over again.

Yeah.

I mean the music acts are the ones with the cars obviously because they need the boot space for the instrument.

That's a good tip if you're starting out as a comic is get to know a music act.

You'll always get a lot of wheels.

Jim Tavaret was always good for a lift.

But he had a massive instrument as well didn't he?

So he must have been driving around in a mini bus.

You mentioned you've been framed earlier.

What's your favourite food-based You've Been Framed video that you've had to comment on?

Or does that include drink?

Yes.

Oh especially because we're on the drink course.

Yeah.

Well it's the classic, you know, teenage kid walks into patio doors with a tray of hot drinks.

Doesn't see that he looks through it rather than at it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh dear.

I loved listening to you just describe that then.

Have you ever suggested to ITV that it would be even cheaper for them to make if you just described them rather than like an audio book?

Yeah.

Oh, like a sort of, you know, old lady at a wedding.

She's dancing on a table.

Oh, she's falling over and you can see her knickers.

See you after the break.

Kitten on a draining board.

Oh, he's falling in the swing bin.

Don't worry, he's fine.

Yeah, all that slipping on the diving board.

Yeah.

Well, you could do that.

So

is the Trey of Hot Trinks one a genuine one?

Or is it like a classic archetype of a U.S.?

Have you seen a lot of that?

No, I've seen that.

You've seen that.

Yeah.

I've seen it a lot.

It's like

one of my favourite videos on YouTube to watch is the jackass video where they have a massive hand that they can pull back.

It's like the size of a human, the hand and they can pull it all the way back so it's on there's like a so it snaps

by a doorway and they get one of their friends to carry a tray of soup into the room and then they they let it go it smacks it

really funny they forgot about a jackass yeah oh james hasn't forgotten about a jackass he watches videos about what they're all doing now yeah yeah yeah i watch i regularly watch videos catching up with what the jackass crew are all up to these days johnny knox johnny knoxville yeah

yeah steve-o has his own podcast and i watch the videos of that because the people he interviews a lot of the time are like similar era people who you think, what are they up to?

And he interviewed Aaron Carter recently.

I don't know if you remember Aaron Carter.

He was a pop star, a child pop star, like in primary school still, but was like singing a song about having a crush on a girl.

What was the song then?

Crush on you, it was called.

How did you know?

Cause I never told.

You found out I got a crush on you.

I've noticed that when you sing, this is not a criticism.

It's not a criticism.

but you don't tend to sustain a note, James.

That's just the song.

Have you noticed?

That's just that particular song.

But it's very staccato, and I've seen you singing other songs.

Oh, okay.

Well, I didn't know you.

And

you don't sustain and it's very stop.

Yeah.

So it would be like, so the...

There are some songs I would like.

I'm a barefoot boy.

Yeah, you're doing it.

You're doing it.

I love the feeling of the ground at my feet.

A barefoot baby boy.

I got tended or toes and they're pleased to meet.

Yeah, it's a very good point.

You sort of back out of the note quite quickly.

Try something that

does require a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little.

No, but well, they're like, when I die, bury me with cost and pray, yes.

But even

you're breaking these long note up into like four note.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, it's hard, isn't it?

It's something to work on.

Oh, yeah.

It's very hard.

You got it.

It's very hard.

Go on.

We'll always

love you.

We'll always love you.

Got a crochet.

That was good.

Yeah, that was good.

You held that note for sure.

Yeah, that was good.

The curse broken.

I felt good about that.

The curse is broken.

Thank you, Harry.

You are truly a doctor.

We've come to the dessert now, I believe.

Yeah.

Yes.

Dessert time.

Now, I'm nervous going into this.

Why?

Because Harry couldn't remember the dessert on his wedding day.

I saw you get a bit nervous there.

That's concerning, but also.

Yeah, I wonder what that was.

My wife would know.

Should I phone her?

No.

Early doors.

I mean, you can phone your wife if you want.

No.

If she's at work, she'll kill me.

She'll kill you.

Early doors.

There was something and you said you didn't like the sweet, you didn't like sweet balsamic balsamic vinegar.

Too sweet, I don't like the sweetness.

And I immediately was like, oh dear, I might be in trouble here with the dessert.

I'm a puddings boy.

I love the dessert.

I've even put some little chocolate miniature cabbies heroes on the table to see.

Well, you say you put them on the table, you've put them in front of you.

Yeah, why did you do that?

I was going to eat them.

But you know you can't eat during the podcast.

Yeah, yeah.

As soon as I sat down, I thought, well, I can't eat those.

Yeah.

So I've had them there.

So you've just been looking at them for the whole thing.

Yeah, but also it served as a test because

I've been clocking all the way through how many times Harry looked at them.

It wasn't any times.

He hasn't cared about them, which makes me worried about this dessert course.

He's now reading the ingredients in a whisper bar.

No, I'm making a point here that these, what are these from?

These are Cadbury's heroes.

These are heroes, miniatures.

These are heroes.

Yes, so now in the celebrations...

Yeah.

This is how you can tell the difference between the celebrations and the heroes, is the celebrations have a tiny slit here to aid

the opening of the of the of the confectionery so that I mean they have them here at the top you see you see they've got those little notches at the top that's not even this one's even got this one's the the crunchy bits not obviously that crunchy bits has got an arrow here to show you yeah it's even an arrow saying pull down well that if you pull on that arrow it doesn't work so that's a good point actually from oh no there you go

it works it's gonna work works a little bit on Ed's one and you just open your whisper yeah I have to eat that now won't I yeah

You've got to eat it on your dessert, of course.

It's like your dessert.

Don't worry about the dessert, James.

Yeah, okay.

Because I am a dessert person.

I am a pudding person.

And I like, what I particularly like is cream.

I don't like anything too sweet, but I like creamy, creamy things.

Yes.

Cream in all its forms.

Pouring cream,

double cream, whipped cream,

clotted cream, the champagne of cream.

Chantilly cream even oh some of that creams are there

even some of that yeah so i've chosen trifle lovely jamie oliver amando and uchi and now you the trifle boys

the trifle crew jamie oliver was the only person to ever complain about our portrayal of him on tv but

how he used his um

really

really yeah i don't know if you remember there was a there was a program which i think was a low point for him.

It was Ministry of Food, you remember it?

Uh-huh.

Where it was all about, if you teach this person how to do this recipe, you teach two people.

I quite liked that.

I didn't like it.

You didn't like it.

I thought it was pissing in the wind, I thought.

Oh, there was a builder on it.

There was a guy.

There was a guy who was like, I can't cook.

There's no point.

I can't do any of this.

And he just fell in love with cooking by the end.

And it was a little bit of a drink.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

There were individual stories, but the whole thing about the campaign I just thought was a bit silly.

And they had this sort of animation thing, which was if one person, so it's like a pyramid, it starts off, if one person learns how to cook spaghetti vongoli and teaches two other people, and they teach, by the end of a week, 64 people would be able to cook spaghetti vongoli, right?

Yeah.

So I did, if one person doesn't watch,

and he was really, apparently really furious.

And we we depended on them giving us clips of them.

Yeah, of course, yeah.

So we had to try and get in with them.

So the producer said to me, you've got to record a apology.

Okay.

Yeah.

So I had my phone.

I thought, oh, well,

so I recorded this apology, which was me singing,

I just called to say I love you, a video in my kitchen.

And I go, I just, sorry, Jamie, you know, I just called to say I love you.

I said, we've even got one of your pants.

And then I...

I'm looking through my pants, trying to, because we have one of his

Jamie Oliver pans.

I couldn't find it.

Didn't want to reshoot and put the pad in the right place?

You just sent him that?

Well, I sent it to the producer and he said, I can't send him that.

It didn't make it worse.

So we never got any more clips from him.

Well, you taught yourself out of a lovely pair of pants, I'd say.

We were nice to Jamie Oliver.

Yes, he recommended

his pants that he wears.

Jamie Oliver pants.

No, no, no, he's not a Jamie Oliver branded pants.

The ones that he likes to wear.

Which are

like with two X's.

SAX.

And Sacks sent us some pants to try for ourselves.

And you know what?

And I don't mind saying this.

They're genuinely brilliant pants.

I'm wearing them right now.

I'm wearing them right now, Harry.

I'm wearing some pants that I would not have if it wasn't for Jamie Oliver.

I put them on this morning and genuinely laughed as I was putting them on because I thought, what a life I've got.

Wearing some pants that Jamie Oliver sent me.

He sent them.

Yeah, he hooked us up why he mentioned them on the podcast.

And then

we got them because of Jamie Oliver.

It really makes me laugh.

You, Armando, and Jamie Oliver,

if you were layered up like a trifle, who would be what?

Good question.

Thank you.

Well, I would be,

you know, modesty prevents me from saying that I would be the cream,

but I would say I was the custard.

But things,

that shows us how much you love cream because you've considered cream to be the best thing on on the trifle, and you don't want to say you're the cream.

For me, the cream, that's the worst, that's the worst bit of it.

Oh, gosh, really?

Wow.

The little cake and the cake and the jelly and all that stuff is the best thing, isn't it?

Sponge, jelly.

Yeah.

Well, it's the three things working as a chino.

I can share a trifle.

It sounds like we all like different bits of it.

Yeah.

We all get a spoon.

You eat the top layer, Harry.

Yeah.

You eat the custard.

Custard up?

And I've got to wait a long while to get to the bottom, but it's worth it.

Difference come to those who wait.

Yeah.

So if you're the custard.

And I think underneath the cream, which is,

I would say, probably Amando, isn't he?

Because he's something of a legend.

Yeah.

And then Oliver underneath.

Oliver Jelly.

As a sponge, soaked sponge.

There's a jelly-soaked sponge.

Yeah, that's very nice, actually.

I did do, to be fair, I did do,

he invited me on his pier thing, End of the Pier.

Have you done that?

I heard of it.

That South End thing.

He was telling us about it, I think, when we were...

Yeah, yeah.

And he didn't raise it.

I didn't raise it.

Oh, there you go.

It's in the past.

Maybe think it was maybe.

Yeah.

Made me think maybe it wasn't him that made the fuss.

Maybe it was the producer.

Yeah, potentially.

Let's sleeping dogs lie.

I want to read your order back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

Water, you want still water.

No ripples.

Popped on some bread.

Catcher with olive oil.

Starter, potted shrimp with toast.

Main.

Spag vong.

Christmas dinner.

Roast turkey with all the trimmings.

Devils on horseback.

Check those in as well.

Side dish, monge too, just for the joke.

Drink, Gabby to Gabby, dessert, trifle.

Lovely.

How you feel?

Full.

Full.

You'd be chuffed with that, though, wouldn't you?

You got a whole Christmas dinner side.

I think it works really well as a menu.

Which is kind of rare, I'd say.

Yeah?

Because people just go a bit wild.

I know we certainly did when we did ours.

Yep, sometimes just go for, well, that's my favourite.

I always think of it.

That's my favourite of that individual thing.

And I'm always, when people come on and they make it work as a whole meal, I'd always think, I bet their life is a lot more organised and better than mine.

possibly yeah

thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant harry my pleasure thank you harry

well there we are what a what a great menu what a great chat with harry hill loved it loved every second great clarinet impression of course i mean one for the ages i think if one should re-listen to that i would advise people you know maybe like go back pause it just before the clarinet impression then find on youtube or something yeah audio of a clarinet being played on its own and then listen to harry yes i think so you know see how wrong i was i was quite annoyed actually about afterwards i went away from it and i thought about it and uh the argument that was presented to me in the room and i said that doesn't sound like a clarinet and he said well you do it yeah you do it then that's not that's not an argument No, but also you did it to exactly the same quality and level that he did it.

I thought I did, but he's he melted and made out that I didn't.

No,

I was in the room.

We both sounded exactly the same.

But he didn't say hooves, so we can't kick him out for a bad clarinet impression.

Hooves is the only reason we could have kicked him out, and he didn't say hooves.

But good if he said hooves during the clarinet impression.

Yeah.

Hooves.

Sorry, did someone just play a clarinet?

Yeah, sorry.

There's a clarinet in the room.

Go and buy Harry's book, Fight.

Yes.

Buy it for everyone for Christmas.

Yes.

And also, buy tickets to my tour for Christmas.

Ed Gamble, Electric, edgamble.co.uk.

For details, go and buy tickets.

Please also buy my vinyl available on edgamble store.com.

A thing of beauty.

Does it warm your heart, Ed Gamble, to know that maybe some people on Christmas Day will be unwrapping presents and it's like the Ed Gamble vinyl or like tickets to a card and you open it says, we're going to see Ed Gamble Merry Christmas.

And they're like, unwrapping an email.

Check your email.

Merry Christmas.

That's something the internet has taken away from us

is unwrapping tickets.

Unwrapping tickets, yeah.

I mean, it tends to be they just write it in a card now.

Yeah.

Or maybe you can write in a card a link to your special.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You just write the link out.

Or, you know, I'm talking to the listener.

Maybe you want to buy a link.

You want to buy James's special for someone.

Maybe you want to, yeah, buy my special.

It's available on my website, jamesacaster.com.

And my special is called The Sand You Hate Myself 1999.

Mm-hmm.

But it was only released last year.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Not 1999.

Don't get confused.

Don't get confused.

But yeah, you can buy them that and then write down the link.

It's absolutely right.

And then they can go on their computer and they can type the link in.

Merry Christmas.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas better than last year.

Unless you had a brilliant Christmas last year, in which case I hope you have the same.

Or even better.

Even better.

I hope every Christmas from now until the day of your death is better than the one before.

Hello, it's Harry Hill here and I'm recording this trailer for my new podcast, Harry Hill's Noise.

Basically, it's a half hour of ambient sound and then at some point during the podcast, I make a noise.

Now,

when you're listening to it, you'll forget that I'm about to make a noise, and you'll get lulled into it and then I'll make the noise and it'll be really funny.

I mean, it doesn't sound like a regular podcast, does it?

But

believe me,

you're going to really love it.

So, why don't you subscribe

now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and ACAST.

It's called Harry Hill's Noise, and it's coming soon.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, the 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September at the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true, Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.