Ep 131: Sarah Kendall (Christmas Special)

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast.

Splitting open the bag of the internet, laying out the crisps of conversation, and all eating the crisps.

Well, do you know what?

That started at the top, split open the bag of the internet, thought this isn't going to work.

Pin the bag, open the crisps.

Oh, you said a thing about where you shared the crisps.

That's really good.

And then the worst one ever at the end.

Then eating the crisps.

Didn't even try it at the end.

We all like crisps.

That's weird.

Because, yeah, yeah, we do all like crisps.

Rosie Jones loves crisps.

She would love to enjoy.

I like crisps.

So maybe she'll enjoy that.

Yeah.

Intro from you, Edward Gamble.

Look, sometimes we record the intro after the episode.

Today we're recording it before the episode and Bernita's sprung this on us because you've got to leave, James.

Yeah, I've got to go and get my booster.

That bad intro was your fault for getting your booster.

It was my fault.

James Acaster here, accepting full responsibility.

This is the Off-Menu Podcast.

Christmas special, special where we invite a guest into the dream restaurant and we ask them their favourite ever start and main course dessert side dish and drink.

Maybe we'll even ask them their Christmas menu as a little bonus.

And this week our guest is Merry Christmas, Sarah Kendall.

Sarah Kendall.

Sarah Kendall is a wonderful comedian.

She, like a lot of squares, won Taskmaster.

That's, you know,

usually a sign that you've not been the best on it, you know.

The coolest dudes, Win Taskmaster, Sarah Kendall, therefore, is a cool dude.

She is a brilliant comedian, brilliant writer, James.

She's got a wonderful sitcom called Freyed.

She does incredible Radio 4 shows.

She's great.

Sarah Kendall is the bomb.

But listen, if Sarah Kendall says the secret ingredient, an ingredient that we don't like maybe, or maybe we just think it's not suitable for a meal, we will kick her out of the dream restaurant.

Yes, we will.

And today's secret ingredient is Kendall mint cake cake.

Kendall mint cake, that little thing that walkers eat.

It seems to be people on big hikes.

Now look at that.

Obviously, the listeners are probably thinking, there's no way James doesn't like Kendall Mintcake.

Sure.

As a kid, it was the main motivator for anything.

Yeah.

Anything?

Yeah, well, to begin with, it was just like when my parents took us on a walk in the lake district, it was like, they'll get some Kendall mint cake and be like, look, if you get to that next, you know, the next marker or whatever, get to that point, we get some Kendall mint cake.

And it was a motivator.

And then just throughout life, it just became my dad would always have some Kendall mint cake in his body.

Always.

Always.

And would be like, hey, if you can tidy your bed, get some Kendall mint cake.

If you, if you turn the TV off and come to the dinner table, you get some Kendall Mint cake after.

If you come and eat your dinner, you'll have Kendall Mint cake.

Yeah, if you

tidy the room.

Yeah, it was all just like, you know, get Kendall Mint cake, do your homework, get some Kendall mint cake.

And that's still to this day.

That's what happens.

So why is it the secret ingredient?

Because her surname's Kendall.

But you like it.

I love it.

It's the best thing ever.

But, listen, you know, her surname's Kendall.

Even though I love it, I wouldn't put it as a meal.

Right.

It's a reward for eating your meal.

Right.

So even though you love it and it's still a motivating factor in you tidying your room.

Yeah, so it's just for everything, really.

Pay your taxes, get some Kendall mint cake.

It's solid sugar in it.

I don't think I've ever really eaten.

I think I've had it once.

It's solid sugar held together by liquid sugar.

Right.

But then solidifies.

Yeah.

And then they, sometimes they cover it in chocolate.

That was my favourite Kendall mint cake.

Yeah, old.

No way.

Yep, they covered it in chocolate.

You got a brown sugar one, a white sugar one, and a chocolate-covered one.

Yeah.

And that was the best.

That was the one my dad would just always buy and use for motivators for everybody.

So even though you love it and it was used throughout your childhood to motivate you to do tasks,

you still wanted to be the secret ingredient.

Just because her surname's Kendall and because I don't think it's suitable for a meal.

Fine, okay.

Well, if she says that, she's out, and so are you.

That's the rules.

That's fair enough.

I think that's fair enough.

I stand by it so much that I should be kicked out and then you have to do this and Benita will take my place.

James, we have got our own pizza available at yard sale.

We do.

Off-menu Christmas pizza.

It's pigs and blankets at the star of the show.

Brussels sprouts, crispy Brussels sprouts are on there.

Cranberry sauce.

Crispy sage leaves.

Sage leaves.

Delicious.

I had it last night, James.

It was absolutely fantastic.

And also at Yard Sale, as part of that, have put on a special 18-inch garlic bread with marmite and cheese because that was my dream bread on our episode 100.

It was.

So those two things are available at yard sale pizza locations now until the first of January.

So go and buy it.

Every pizza sold at one pound goes to Fair Share, a wonderful charity.

Yes.

Also did a little collab with Percival clothing company.

We've got t-shirts, jumpers, the occasional hoodie.

Why not?

With lovely embroidery of, it says off menu, there might be like some pizzas in there, there might be some ice cream.

You never know what you're going to get.

Well, you will know what you're going to get because

you'll select it.

Yeah, you'll go on the website, you can go on off-menupodcast.co.uk or go to percivalcloe.com, and that's all available now.

We're very happy with it, very proud of it.

We want to see people wearing it in the wild.

I want to see people wearing an off-menu Percival Collab t-shirt while eating an off-menu yard sale pizza, walking down the street being ultimate off-menu.

And you can shout ultimate off-menu at the top of your voice if you do those things.

Yes, and much, much respect to you if you do that.

But now, let's hear the off-menu menu.

Of Sarah Kendall, make cake.

Welcome, Sarah, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my lord.

Welcome, Sarah Kendall, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Yeah, I booked in advance.

I did.

I knew how hard it was to get in on your celebrity guest list.

Do you like booking in advance?

Do you do that in general?

Never.

I'm one of those, let's just turn up and see what happens.

And what generally happens is you end up in a restaurant you don't want to be in because all the clever people have booked into the good place.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not an organizer.

I'm not an organiser.

I'm always with people who are good organisers.

You're definitely not an organiser because before we even started this you turned up and Benito offered you a coffee and you said no because I just drank half a coffee, put it on the floor and then the wind blew it away.

That's absolutely...

That's not me though.

That's like an irregular weather package.

I don't think you can blame the wind for Sarah's lack of organisation.

They're not really organised.

I mean there's putting coffees on the floor willy-nilly, losing them.

The placement of the coffee was not well organized.

No, that wasn't.

I was going to back you up there, Sarah, but you've got a really good spoiler.

I was merely trying to be on time and I was checking my Google Maps.

I put my coffee down and I kind of felt, and this is no offense to you, Ben, but I kind of felt that if I rely on good coffee at the podcast, it's probably not going to happen.

I need to sort my shit before I get there.

Look after yourself and be a responsible adult.

And then look what happens.

You were right.

You were right to do that.

Thank you.

You're picky about coffee, you were telling us before.

Yeah, I am.

But as I also said before, I think it's also when you used to, I was a smoker, and I think when I stopped smoking, although when I'm drunk, I'll have one or two.

Sure.

But the habitual smoking thing, I kind of had to put that addiction into something.

I had to fixate on another thing.

And I drink about six or seven shots of espresso a day.

I just, yeah, yeah, I'm.

You just had a go at me before we started this because I'm having a coffee before.

No, you were having a sausage bap and a Coke.

I had a sausage bap and a Diet Coke before midday.

You were like, what are you doing doing to yourself?

What the fuck is that?

That's not how I talk.

That's not.

Okay, Jens.

That's not you.

I'm Jens.

Like, if you're going to bring that up.

But that was quite a good impression, actually.

I don't think anyone would slag if you did that.

Yeah?

I also do Katie Hepburn.

That's the only impression I can do.

You want to do that?

I'll tell you something for nothing, Spencer.

I'm a real diamond.

That's about it.

I can't think of anything else that she might say.

I was going up a cliff face.

I had my paints in my backpack.

Okay.

Would it be a good time to tell you I don't know who that is?

You don't know who Catherine Hepburn is.

Oh, you said Katie.

Yes.

Yeah, that threw me.

You knew.

You could adjust Catherine to Katie.

Yeah, but I didn't know you knew her.

It's like saying Hank Fonder.

You don't know who Hank Fonder is.

Can you work around that?

Henry Fonder.

Oh, you're good at this.

Can you do Katie Hepburn telling the story of putting her coffee down and the wind blowing it away?

There I was, near Monmouth Street.

I got my coffee.

I've always been on time.

When you're at the, I mean, it's one spot.

I was filming with Frank Capra at the time.

We were doing a marvelous film.

Do I have to keep going?

Yes.

Well,

you're the one who said.

He's delaying the action here.

All you need to say is about the coffee blowing away, but you keep on adding details and then asking us if you have to carry on a bit.

But I thought that's what this was.

I mean, I didn't know you wanted me to just come in, place an order and leave.

I thought we were meant to shoot the shit just a little bit.

Yeah.

Or I can place my order and go.

No, that'd be such a great podcast.

I like it if you don't.

Well, Dan Aykroyd did that on our podcast.

No, people liked it a lot.

Yeah.

Did he?

He just placed his order and left.

Yeah, he just rattled up his whole menu and then tried to leave after 20 minutes, and we had to keep him talking.

And the only way we could keep him talking was by asking him questions about his vodka.

Or his UFOs.

No, we didn't even get onto UFOs.

We didn't get onto that.

No, no, no.

Also, I read this thing in Vanity Fair.

Apparently, the first draft of the Blues Brothers was like 290 pages.

And there was a whole alien abduction sequence where

John Lennon was like, We have to cut this down a bit.

Apparently, this was a hill Dan Aykroyd was going to die on.

Like, we cannot lose a page of this.

290 pages.

Wow.

Anyway, what are we talking about?

You were doing your story.

There I was, a flat white, as we called it.

Kerry Grant was waiting for me.

We had a leopard on set.

I was getting a bit brucey.

It's getting a bit brucey all side.

Stop me.

Would you fucking stop me.

So you have flat white.

I am a flat white.

I love flat white.

People who are very picky about coffee and then have a flat white.

It seems like a bit of a.

Yeah, but you know how I order it.

Go on then.

I'm a six-ounce oat milk flat white, so I've already been a bit of a prick about it.

I'm not just going to say flat white.

I don't like eight ounce.

I like six ounce.

I don't like it milky.

And I like the flat white because it's automatic.

If it's not milky, you should try black coffee.

Is that me?

He's my favourite person to wind up this year again.

I love it.

I know.

I get so fucking it.

I get really.

I enjoy it a lot.

I know.

I've got a short fuse.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm an angry little man.

Hold on, you're throwing me off what I was talking about.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Six hundred flat white.

Yeah, but

flat white's a double shot.

See, often with cappuccinos, it can be a one-shot affair, but if you get a flat white, you should be getting a, if you want to be a real cunt about it, you get a ristretto.

And a ristretto is when they don't do the beginning of the pour or the end of the pour.

You just get the middle of the pour.

So you get a little bit of the bitterness sort of taken out.

So what's going on there?

They're pouring it.

They're letting it pour for a bit and then they just like shove it

and then back again.

Don't get it all over the sides.

Yeah, look how good you are.

That's exactly you move fast.

If you move fast, you gotta move fast.

You got 30 people waiting.

What do you think this is?

Yeah, what do I think it is?

I don't know.

I can't think of the thing where you have to wait.

What's the thing where you have to wait, Q?

What do you think?

No, because Qs can move quickly.

What do you think this is?

The NHS hotline?

Oh.

Hey, political.

I don't mind bringing it up.

I think we have to wait longer for you to come up with that than we would.

We always start on the

podcast.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've forgotten the

name.

The sausage, the fatty tissue through the sausage, BAP's gone to your brain.

It's coated the arteries.

My brain's full of BAP.

That's it.

You've got BAP brain.

You were really angry about james's bap you're so angry about it i wasn't angry

what are you there for that's a fucking bap you're gonna play me with that bap if i was you hang on what's that yeah it's kettle's voice well you sounded like a small boy in chicago announcing the news yep yeah it was 1920s prohibition and they just

what i said was that's a meaty breakfast yep i i mean i didn't give you a hard time about it well you see i noticed i did notice and i made a point i made everyone look at your breakfast it's not going away no it's not um you seem less bothered about my breakfast.

Well, at least you had a bit of egg in there.

Yeah.

You made an attempt at...

Baking an egg.

Yes, that's classic.

Egg gamble.

Egg.

Nice, beautiful.

Look at that.

I thought you weren't gigging at the moment.

James Bapcat.

That's good.

That's weird, isn't it?

Oh, Jesus.

Sarah Kendall.

Is that the game?

Yeah.

Say it.

Still a sparkling water, Sarah Kendall.

Sparkling.

I'll go sparkling, please.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Even though apparently

it can can yellow your teeth.

Really?

Is that?

Yeah.

Did you know that too?

Because I've heard it can do something to your teeth.

Yeah, yeah.

The bubbles take something off.

It's a shame, because I s I got a soda stream and I drink like 800 mils of it every day.

I love it.

Would you kick off with it in the morning?

Yeah, I do.

Yeah.

Yeah, especially if I'm fasting.

I do that 16-8 thing.

Do you?

Yeah, I do.

Okay, we have a lot of fun.

That's why I'm looking at it.

I've not had a faster.

I haven't had a faster before.

You're our first faster.

I fast four days a week.

So I fast.

16-8.

Yeah, yeah.

So I only have like soda, water, and like espresso just no milk just you know you allow like coffee and you doing that today

yeah that's why I'm a little bit edgy yeah I'm gonna say a little bit edgy just explaining the mood

yeah yeah I'm sweating boy am I sweating sweating

if you didn't fast yeah you'd be a nicer person to be around

I don't like where this is a leading question

you say you don't like where this is going.

I think it's arrived.

I think we're there.

The answer is absolutely.

If I had eaten a sausage bap, I would be like you.

I'd be nice.

and great impressions.

Fantastic wordplay.

Absolutely.

This is interesting.

So when did you start fasting?

I saw someone and they'd been talking about the 16.8.

I thought I'll give it a go.

And it's just one of those things that just fits really sort of, it's really easy and I can kind of, you know, eat what I want.

Why am I talking about this?

Now this feels like I was.

I'm doing a food podcast.

That's fair.

No, it's okay, right?

When you say 16.8.

Yeah, you fast for 16 hours.

You fast for 16 hours and then you've got an eight hour window.

You just eat what you fucking want.

And you eat what you want.

Donuts.

There's there's no like you're not calorie restricted in the eight hours yeah it's crazy it's like being a roman emperor you just go mental for eight hours and then you and then and then it what really works is if you go particularly mental in the hour before you start fasting and then you're you're fucking you're on yeah you just have big pasta meal you can be asleep for eight of the hours so hold on i i don't think i understand this okay so you fast for 16 hours and then you eat for eight hours yeah but i'm only probably awake for eight hours are you yeah i think that's irregular

Eat what you want for eight hours.

James.

Yeah.

You're not only awake for eight hours a day, mate.

Yeah, you're awake for a longer and you're moving.

What time do you get up this morning?

Seven.

Right.

And you'll go to bed at three o'clock this afternoon.

Yeah, what time do you go to bed?

Well, I woke up earlier than I usually would.

So you woke up at what time, James?

Just to answer the question.

Today.

And what time are you going to go to bed?

Probably

midnight.

And how many hours is that?

It's not fun, is it, James?

It's not fun being picked on, is it?

I don't feel like I'm being picked on.

And you're next.

You're next.

I'm ready.

You're next.

I'm ready.

I just feel like if for eight hours a day I ate whatever I wanted.

Oh, yeah.

That's insane, isn't it?

Look at this body.

Oh, nothing.

Listen, Sarah stood up for the listener and is currently presenting her bum to us.

And listen.

There it is, baby.

There it fucking is.

It's a great body.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

I guess it depends on the business.

I'm just saying.

I don't understand the actual thing.

I guess it depends on when you say you can can eat whatever you want.

It depends on what you want to eat, I suppose.

Like, yeah,

when I say I eat what I want, I'm not, like, watching what I eat during those.

Like, I'm not just having a salad.

Like, I'm having lots of carbs, lots of, you know, lots of dead animals.

Things with eyes, lots of things with eyes.

If I ate what I wanted for eight hours, I would be dead in a week.

Yes.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, because what I want to eat is everything.

Is everything.

The planet.

Yeah, the whole planet.

I take a big bite out of the planet.

I got that.

And in restaurants, I'll always finish other people, like what's on their plate.

Are you going to have that?

Yeah.

Great.

Send it over.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can't help myself it's never enough but for eight hours a day you can be that yeah pretty much yeah do you think you could do it James no I don't understand but you were young I do this anyway but I but I can tell exactly you're a guy who's been like lean his whole life right yeah you were lean forever yeah in like 10 years time and go what what the hell because all your eating habits are a skinny young man 10 years ago mate

people tell me this all the time and I'll see them in another 10 years I'll look the same and they're like well you're another 10 years

how old are you now 36.

Oh mate Nah, nah, nah.

Well, mid-40s, that's when your chickens are going to come home to roost.

In your mouth.

People said 30s to me.

Well, I was in my 20s.

Your 30s don't count.

Your 30s don't count.

Well, apparently, this is what I was being friendly with.

He said, it hasn't hit me.

I went to a dietician once, had a chat with her, and she said, look.

She shouldn't have said this.

This is a big mistake on her part.

Really early daughters in the first place, because she, bearing in mind, she's trying to get me to go every week and talk to her and do a food diamond and all sorts.

Within minute one, she went, look, you're never going to be overweight.

I was like, goodbye.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I had a

I had an ENT say the most dangerous thing to me once.

I thought I had throat cancer, but I actually had what's called globus hystericus because I was so anxious that I was swallowing all the time, that my throat had gone dry and I thought there was a big like log in my throat.

So I had the sensation of there being like a rock in my throat and I'm like, that's it.

I'm dead.

This is, oh my God.

So I go to the ENT.

That kind of helped the anxiety.

Yeah, no, right.

It's this terrible.

Yeah, right.

So I went to the ENT and the ENT said, look, are you anxious?

And I'm like, I'm very anxious at the moment.

Like, I was like, I was a complete fucking wreck at that point.

And then the ENT said, do you smoke?

And I said, well, I used to smoke and then I quit.

But at the moment, I smoke a little bit.

And the ENT went, how many cigarettes would you say?

And I went, I don't know, like maybe three a week.

And he went,

well, that won't make any difference to your health.

And that's all I took away from it.

That if I smoke three or four cigarettes a week, now I'm on a diet of three or four cigarettes a week because that won't make any difference.

It's incredible that you can do that, though.

Just smoke for eight hours a day, constantly.

That's right, and then stock for 16.

And for eight of those, I'm just asleep.

So you see.

Pop lobs or bread.

Poplums or bread, Sailor Kendall.

Poplars or bread.

Bread.

Bread.

Bread.

What kind of bread you got?

This is the dream restaurant, so we've got the biggest basket you can imagine.

I'm going to say, I'd rather, because I've got a really, I've got a lot coming, and I don't like filling up on the bread.

I mean, you can put it there, you can bring it out, but I'm probably not going to touch it because I want to keep my powder dry.

This is interesting.

I don't think we've ever had this before, where someone is going to order bread and we will need you to specify what bread you want.

I'll just go with sourdough.

So we'll bring you out some sourdough and then you're not going to eat it.

I might eat one small corner of it because I'm bored and I'm waiting for the next thing.

But I really go out of my way to not, like, I need to keep the space available for what I know is coming.

Then do you just want us to bring you a tiny corner of sourdough?

Yeah, a corner of sourdough.

Really crusty.

Yeah.

The crusty,

the knob.

The sourdough knob.

The whoop.

Go ahead and say it again.

No.

You the whoop?

Yeah, you've been smart like you said it's so happy i was really happy

i had the best time like you're being

naughty in school and you got you got it passed there's no such thing as a knob of bread either no no that's a nub hit the heel the heel the heel the heel

yeah the penis the penis yeah

uh so yeah you can bring some but i'm probably not gonna oh also can i start with a flat white I'd like to start the before because that's interesting.

You've ordered sparkling water, so I guess we could make you a flat white but it has to be with sparkling water yeah how do you feel about that yeah go on then yeah sparkling a flat white i will not complain i i i've because i've worked in restaurants i just you know whatever you do you can i'm not going to complain have you ever had a fizzy coffee uh no but i like to have a fizzy water with a double espresso i like that as a double they bring that out i've done it by accident once did you had it yeah because i was in a rush to drink a coffee and it was too hot so i was tried to pour some cold water on it but it was a bottle of sparkling water and it was horrible oh but now it's a trend now people put like soda water into espresso.

Do they?

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, well, you've fallen behind the coffee trends.

I have.

All I do is knock them over.

Yeah.

High winds.

Yeah.

Blown away in the wind.

Yeah.

I don't know why I find the idea of something that you've put down blown away in the wind funny, but I don't know if you can get it.

Do you know what would have been hysterical?

If it landed on me, I would have to accept that that would, but it didn't.

It missed me completely.

I don't think I would have laughed as much at that.

Okay, well, imagine if the cup had blown away and then landed on Sarah's head like a little hat.

Yeah, that's funny.

That's funny again.

Yeah, yeah.

And then I fell into a nun.

So I went, ah, and then fell into a nun.

Yeah, that's funny.

That's good.

That's not bad.

No, that's good.

It's all right.

Yeah, yeah, she's fine.

Yeah, that's good stuff.

She's fine.

She's laughing about it.

I'm having a good time.

Yeah.

What restaurant you work in?

I worked in, it was called the Nag's Head, and it was like a British, so it was like an English-style pub, but it was in Sydney, and I was working there when I was at university.

And I wasn't very good in the restaurant, but I was very good at the bar.

I was like, I can take like a a bunch of orders get them all away quickly you know and i could take a couple of orders but i was really bad in the restaurant i wasn't very good with the banter with the uh really no not great i just i'd try a bit and then i'd go fuck i'll just just kill me i can't give a fuck just halfway through your headband you do have to flirt a bit and because it's all about tips in the restaurant yeah but at the bar you don't you're not really doing anything with tips you can be rude as you like because you're not you're not sort of trying to achieve tips whereas in restaurants you're trying to get the rapport going because it's like that could be an extra 50 bucks you like the idea of you at the bar going like i just love being as rude as i like one day i'll find my dream joke one day

where i can mix alcohol night times and being rude is there such a profession tell me more about the nag's head what sort of thing were they serving what is the australian view of british cuisine yeah uh well actually no it was like a gastro like the pub it was like roast it was the the the the thing that they sold it in the bar was like newcastle brown ale like a lot of those nuki brown like those ales so we often had british traveling like people who were travelling coming in because they were like, oh, yeah.

And it was all pints and half pints, not schooners and

midis?

Schooners and midis, as they do in Australia.

So it was all like...

What was it what?

MIDI's.

MIDI's.

MIDI, yeah, schooner and a midi.

But we served everything in pints and half pints.

What's a midi?

MIDI is half a schooner.

I think a schooner is a little bit more...

$500 million.

How much is it?

How much is a pint?

500 mils?

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah.

I think a schooner is about maybe 300 miles.

Isn't a schooner like an actual word?

It is for a boat, isn't it?

Isn't a schooner a boat.

Yeah, that sounds about.

Well, it's Australia.

I mean, we're very...

We play loose and free with language.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It was actually a really good restaurant.

But as I say, I just didn't have the people skills

to be that friendly to people.

Newcastle Brownell, isn't that confusing for...

You've got a Newcastle in Australia, right?

We do.

We've got an everything in Australia.

So did you even know that was a...

Yeah, I did.

I went to school, James.

Wow.

Should we go to Sarah's main meal?

Yes.

Starter first.

Yeah, I'm going to get two starters.

Yeah, okay.

I prefer two starters.

Why?

I always think think starters are the better food.

Yes.

No.

Oh, you guys have had this discussion?

Oh, here we go.

Yeah, of course.

Okay, all right.

So my mind is

good.

I would love nothing but starters, hence, I don't mind your tapas.

I don't mind your sort of, you know, your sushi when you...

It's just like small plates that are really taste-filled.

Whereas I think your main, it's more like a blunt instrument.

So a pile of starters is actually more.

Mini mains, they're just mini mains.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

There we go.

You really have been here before.

You had that ready to go.

Damn it down the barrel of it now.

Two starters.

I'm I'm going to go two starters.

Generally, I really like a cured meat.

So I like a carpaccio anything.

So I like your prosciuttos.

I like a carpaccio, like even tuna,

carpaccio beef.

I like it with a bit of drizzle of olive oil, maybe some some baby capers on top, you know, that kind of stuff.

Maybe a little shaving of parmesan.

A thinly sliced thing.

Yeah.

Like Paulie does in Goodfellas, do you know when they go to jail and he's and he's doing the garlic with the razor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

that's how

I think about that a lot too.

Yeah.

Every time I chop garlic, I think of him and garlic.

Yeah.

Like I think of you whenever I'm happy in a relationship.

I think of you.

Do you know that?

No.

Can I tell him?

Yeah, yeah.

So I was having just a miserable Edinburgh day.

You know, you're halfway through and it's like this war that you're never leaving.

You're like, oh my God, I'm not even halfway through.

And I saw across the square, I saw James.

and his girlfriend and they were so happy and the wind had picked up and their hair was like kind of and they were like ha ha ha

and they'd clearly just been like having sex or something.

It was like afternoon delight kind of.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was watching them and like I was like in a park eating chips or something.

Clearly been having sex.

Absolutely ugly.

Sam's mind is done over the next season.

My mind, and I've also edited this completely because I was after.

I was just going to join.

The scent of French letters hung in the air.

And he had his arm around her and

they were so in love.

And I was just watching them and I think of that like once a week and when I see James I talk about it because I'm like I think of you frequently whenever I'm happy in love and I'm like I think this is like that day like James looked like it's just like a you know this is that your brain goes back to whenever you're in a happy relationship you think of James James yeah and I think of James that day in a relationship that yeah failed that like terribly not only failed but failed terribly it wasn't even like

it wasn't even like a you know like even score at the end.

It was like it was a failure, a complete failure.

And I have dressed him.

I was like, James, on that day, were you wearing a denim jacket with like a woolly collar to it?

And he's like, no, I've never owned one.

None.

So I've dressed him.

Yeah.

And I've also, you know, Vanilla Sky, how Tom Cruise remembers the Bob Dylan album cover and he thinks it's him and Penelope Cruz.

I think it's the Bob Dylan album cover now.

It's like, it's James, but it's Bob Dylan and he's got his, and he's dressed like Bob Dylan.

Like, I've just completely edited this memory.

So do you also admit that you yourself have added in the detail that I looked like I just had sex?

No, not very much.

She had cum all over his chin.

No, I'm certain of it.

I'm absolutely certain.

She was splattered in cum.

Like the Bob Dylan album.

Like the Bob Dylan album cover from Vanilla Sky.

Remember?

When you say that when you're in a happy relationship, you think of James because of that moment.

You are the only person in the country who associates James Acaster with a happy romantic relationship.

Yeah, yeah.

Because the rest of us have watched his shows.

Right.

I know.

That's why, I know, I get it.

I get why this is so wrong.

And not only that,

every time I see James, I'm like, James, I thought of you just recently because I was really happy.

And I thought of that day when you were in Edinburgh and you were walking down the street.

And I just felt like I saw, and I, when James, like if I outlive James and I go to his funeral, I'll just have this really like poignant memory of him.

Yeah.

I mean, you'll probably outlive me with the age difference, and I smoke three cigarettes a week, so

the odds are stacked against me.

Yeah, yeah.

But I just, I feel like it's this really, I don't want to die and take that memory with me because I feel like I was the only one who saw you on the best day of your life.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, you didn't miss that.

This is lovely.

Yeah, yeah.

It feels like a Kazio Ishigiro kind of like remains of the day.

yeah, it's the fleeting aspect of life and love.

I'm glad you had that moment at least that you've got it and you carry it around of you.

And I've put it out there so now other people can paint the picture in their head.

I think everyone else would struggle to imagine me that happy.

Oh man, you were the happiest man.

It was really beautiful.

Obviously like I'm currently in a very happy relationship and really I'm going to have to go home now and say to my girlfriend, let's find out where Sarah Kendall lives.

Just walk down the street, up and down the street everything looking as happy as we can.

So we replace that memory.

It's it's true.

I need to overwrite the memory because that's a problem every time you retell a story you overwrite the memory you override the the the hard drive sure so I've overridden the hard drive so many times you know there was like an octopus and it was fucking there's quite a lot of pressure then for when you and your girlfriend now meet Sarah together yeah for the first time because what if Sarah never gonna happen though

we don't socialize it doesn't this doesn't work for me but that will be awful I'll tell you what actually honestly on the flip side of all this as well sometimes in my current relationship, we're walking down the street, and if we're laughing or something, I do think

of you.

Do you?

And think, oh, Sarah Kendall saw this now.

Yeah.

Oh, that's a really

good.

That's very satisfying.

That's a really satisfying loop.

Yeah, so I have.

Do you mean that?

Yeah, I do mean that.

Is she dressed as Ziggy Stardust?

Yeah, bro.

Yeah, I'm a spider from Mars.

Hello!

But yeah, anytime we're walking around and like yeah, because the wind picks up, your hair's kind of fluffed up like West Kendall.

Well, every time the wind picks up from now on, I'm thinking of you.

Coffee all over your head.

Coffee all over,

nuns laughing.

Are you having like cured meats?

I'm going to have cured meats, but I want to, because I'm a two-starter person, I'm also going to get some oysters.

Yeah.

Okay.

We need to specify the meats.

Are you going beef carpaccio?

Yeah, I will go beef carpaccio.

With the parmesan.

Yes, please.

And some papers and maybe a little bit of rocket around the.

A little bit of rocket around.

Maybe just on the circumference of the dish.

Yeah.

Rocket around the Christmas tree?

Because it's Christmas episode.

Yeah.

What?

It doesn't matter.

It's a song.

It's a what?

You said maybe a bit of rocket around the tree.

And you said rocket around the Christmas tree.

Yeah.

Rocket around the Christmas tree.

I don't think it was one that we

shouldn't hang around on that.

Is that a song?

Rocking around the Christmas tree is a song.

I didn't know that.

Never heard it.

Never heard it?

Never heard it.

What Australian Christmas songs are there?

Koala, bears and prawns.

No, I don't know.

I did that purely for you.

Yeah.

You know what?

I would have believed that if you'd stuck with it.

Koala bears and prawns.

Koala bears and prawns.

Koala bears and prawns.

It's a lovely sunny day.

Schooner in the bar.

Bourbon.

Yeah.

Fucking fucking.

Yeah, shit.

And I would believe that an Australian Christmas song just finishes with someone trailing off saying fucking.

You can fucking.

You stupid fucking.

come on everybody.

That's good.

You're stupid fucking

good.

I'd take it every Christmas.

I've seen worse at comedy clubs.

So what did you just ask me?

You said the rocket thing.

Okay, no, but I'm going to get oysters, but the very specific oysters.

Do you remember there was one year in Edinburgh, and there were like brothers who brought oysters to the Pleasants courtyard.

Yes.

And they were the best oysters I've ever had in my life.

They used to do it quite regularly.

I remember a few years.

They were great.

And they used to wear kilts.

That's it.

And they'd go around with their basket of oysters.

That's right.

And they were from the west coast, I think.

And there's just something about those really cold North Atlantic currents.

God, they were good.

Those are the most memorably good oysters.

I never had a bad one.

Yeah.

And you could either get them with lemon and salt or just a bit of Tabasco.

They were just, those guys, I want their oysters.

Because there's something, people are suspicious about oysters naturally anyway, I think.

think and then if a man comes up to you in a courtyard and offers you an oyster I'd imagine the suspicion levels are slightly higher but it was good stuff they knew that they knew their stuff yeah and they were good with people too yeah they were they were really pushing in on that angle of the kilts and the you know which are the Edinburgh Festival you know that's gonna work but they were great I don't want six six isn't enough twelve makes me want to spew so I'm gonna get nine nine nice I always would have those oysters in Edinburgh because uh aphidizia can it sort us off to yeah there you go you know

Kennel knows what my day even even in tanks are.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Those afternoon delights don't sort themselves up.

I have an afternoon delight.

That's right.

Kendall calls it.

Pop on your denim jacket.

Yeah, the furry collar.

One oyster.

Denim jacket.

I'm off.

See you, ladies.

If the vans are rocking.

The oyster van.

There was an oyster van.

There was an oyster van.

You were in the oyster van.

I'm literally having the oyster.

I'm like, you eat.

Let me in the van.

Yeah, if the vans are rocking.

Afternoon delight.

Afternoon delight in an oyster van.

Oh, God.

So those are my two starters, please.

Okay.

I think we can accept two starters.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

People have tried to find bigger loopholes.

And

I think that will.

What did Dane Aykroyd have?

I did.

He spoke so fast.

Really?

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Your dream main course?

Uh, yeah, now I'm going to ask a favor here.

I don't do dessert, don't like dessert, I don't care for desserts.

But hang on, I just want to all I want to do is swap a dessert for a main.

Two mains for a dessert.

Can I swap a dessert for a main?

Do you think that's making it better?

I just thought maybe that's Terry.

I think this is a really good idea.

Because sometimes we have people's drinks.

I've already looked we know that what's the time?

I've got to go and have my booster anyway.

I've got my booster.

Yeah.

I mean I can just leave.

I don't have to sit here and listen to this.

Sarah,

this is an interesting idea.

So you want to take, I agree.

You know, sometimes you don't want a dessert.

Dessert is for babies.

Dessert is for babies.

What kind of adult finishes a meal and goes, now I want cake?

How many fucking calories?

It's very puerile.

I find it disgusting.

Delicious.

I think it's disgusting.

Disgusting.

If I see somebody,

you've had two starters and two for you.

For babies, right?

You're full of salts.

You're a salty little dog.

Yeah.

I have a salty little dog.

Yeah, fine.

Lovely.

Sounds nice.

Okay, right.

Whoa.

I need some sort of system here.

Okay, so.

Sarah, should let you know that James loves desserts.

Yeah, I've noticed.

I think that's it.

I understand that he does get quite angry if if people have a cheese board or try and discover it.

For the love of God, we've never had someone try and trade in

a main for a dessert.

Just fucking enjoy it.

You had two starters and two mains.

Yeah, but tiny, tiny.

You change your middle name to gluttony, mate.

No!

Let's.

No, I will not.

All right, fine.

I'll get a dessert.

Fine, I'll get a dessert.

Yeah, I'm going to get a bowl of ice cream.

No, no, don't like food.

You don't get a dessert if you don't want a dessert.

You don't trade out your main for a second dessert.

Yeah.

Yeah, I want, no, I want to trade all of it for one big bowl of ice cream.

Fine.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, and with a cake on top, with drizzled and chocolate.

I know.

You need to grow up, James, and join the adults.

Get out of the fucking paddling pool.

You're the happiest person you've ever seen in your life.

No, not really.

Yeah, that's true.

Every time

you think about being happy, you think of me.

I think of you.

You could be.

You should eat more desserts.

But we've already, like, we know that I'm deluded and I'm completely.

That when you saw James that day, he just had sex.

That's how happy he was.

I'll tell you for a fact, he just had some pancakes.

That's most likely true.

He just saw a chocolate bar in the gutter.

His little eyes lit up.

That reminds me of chocolates.

I was laughing.

My girlfriend thought I was in love with her.

No.

I'd seen an ice cream.

You saw a twist.

So, look, let's talk hypothetically.

Yeah.

So, if you were to trade out the dessert for another main,

talk us through what the top place main is, the main main, and then the one that you're subbing a dessert out for.

Right.

So my top place.

It was difficult.

I had two.

This is hard because usually when people do this,

I find out at the dessert.

Kendall's doing it now at the main course.

We've still got drink, side dish, and go.

This is my problem.

And a little Christmas one.

And

I don't want any part in this.

You don't want you, so we're done.

This is it.

That's it.

That's how this is.

That's a bad sign if you're not.

Yeah, that's your sausage bapping your diet coke.

I tasted it as well.

I bet.

Oh, I got it.

I could say it.

Ben got it one.

That was bad, wasn't it?

I mean, that was.

I do apologise, Bonito.

First time I've ever apologised to Bonito.

Yeah, you're in the right company.

You're in the right company.

I vow here.

Yeah.

It's the last.

I will never apologise to him again.

Really?

I had a problem with the main course, which is that I love your fatty meats.

I like your duck.

I like your lamb.

That's kind of my favorite thing to order if I'm in a restaurant.

Also, I rarely cook those sort of meats at home because I'm not very good at it.

So I like a well-done shoulder of lamb or again, like

like your roast duck, duck pancakes, anything duck, fatty duck, good stuff.

However, my favorite meal ever that I ever had, the happiest, like the one I would think about, other than when I think of James, the happiest meal, I had a lobster tail spaghetti in Havar that was, and everything was just perfect that night.

I was in this beautiful sort of cobbled, you know, built by the Venetians and it was really hot and the food was great and everything was just perfect about that night.

So I'm really having trouble and then I thought maybe I can have like a little sort of lobster tail spaghetti, but then also maybe get a side of fatty duck.

Interesting.

So not only are you trying to sub the dessert out for a main, you're also trying to sub your side out for a main.

I think so.

Yeah, I think that's what I'm doing.

I've got so much respect for this.

Three mains, no dessert, no side.

Two starters,

three mains, no side.

I'm not fucking around the ladies.

I'm not decided what the drink's going to be.

Yeah, that's a schooner of beef Wellington.

So so essentially we've got the lobster spaghetti, delicious.

That sounds amazing.

I just want to ask the waiter.

Yeah.

What would you, like, do you have everything?

You've got absolutely everything.

Yes.

All right.

Would you recommend the chef's lobster tail spaghetti or whatever fatty meat that I just like?

What do you think you've eaten here at this point?

This is from your mind, though.

So you've eaten this lobster spaghetti before, so we can get you exactly that.

I'm going to go the lobster tail spaghetti.

I'm just going to go the lobster tail spaghetti.

Lobster tail spaghetti with

a side of fatty duck?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that roast?

Is that roast?

Yes, roast duck.

Like, I had one last night in Chinatown, and it was just exceptional.

And you want that one?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

Yeah, the one from Chinatown.

I mean, take your pick.

They're all great.

Yeah.

So, lobster tail spaghetti, roast duck, and then one other main that's subbing out for the dessert?

No, no, no.

I think that's.

That's okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think.

I think I only wanted to sub out the dessert because I thought if I can get the best roast duck in the world, I'm going to get it here and I'm going to sub out dessert.

Because you've also got a side dish now that you could have.

I do.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So hold on,

what's going on?

Where are you?

What is going on?

Well, I mean, it's up to you.

If you don't want to bring me a side dish, I will make the duck my side dish.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, that's fine.

I'm happy to.

So now what's happening with the dessert?

There is no dessert.

You're getting exactly what you want.

No, I'm not.

No.

I'm not getting a dessert, but I'm not asking you to bring me something to replace that dessert.

But you're still not getting a dessert.

I'm still not.

I'm just going to say, don't worry about the dessert, but I'm not ordering two mains.

I haven't tried to sub anything out yet.

We've got the two starters.

We've got lobster-tailed spaghetti.

That's negotiated.

We've got a side of fatty duck and no dessert.

I don't care for dessert.

I mean, unless the waiter wants to try to talk around me.

Talk me around.

Try to talk me around.

How long have you not cared for dessert for?

I don't get it.

I don't

get it.

Why at the end of a meal?

You've had a meal.

You've had all the food you could possibly want.

No, you haven't.

You suddenly think that you're entitled to a big dish of cream and sugar.

What the fuck?

What's entitlement?

What is that?

What, you thought you were entitled to your lobster-tailed spaghetti a minute ago?

Yes, Yes, because it's dinner.

It's dinner.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What is, what do you think dessert is?

Describe to what are you going to have?

What's your dessert?

Oh, I'll be dinner.

Oh, fuck.

Here we go.

Here's little baby James.

I just find it disgusting.

I find it disgusting.

Disgusting.

Oh, where people go, oh, maybe I'll just look.

Maybe I'll just have a look.

Oh, should we get that to share?

Oh, fuck off.

You've had your dinner.

Fucking pigs.

Listen.

No wonder this fasting thing works so well for you.

Yeah.

You don't even

know.

I'm so hungry right now.

I am so hungry.

This is awful.

I know.

So don't try the fasting thing, James.

No.

No, don't.

Because the only reason it works for Sarah is she doesn't crave anything.

She doesn't crave anything nice.

No, I know.

I don't like nice things are for naughty people.

And I'm a good girl.

Do you want a cheese board?

Yeah, go on.

Yeah.

Because it's it's savory for big people not for big people It's for people who pay tax It's for people who know what divorce feels like.

Oh They sound like great people They're adults James Can't wait to they live in a world of negotiating and giving up on dreams We understand what being an adult feels like you know we don't expect to be showered in lollies We don't expect it listen I speak for the whole dessert loving community where I say we don't expect it.

It's nice.

It's just allow yourself to be happy.

Yeah, sure.

Have the nice thing.

It's not going to be.

I deserve this.

Do you know what's also nice?

Fur coats, but we don't do that, do we?

No, we don't.

I don't do that.

No.

No.

A brown jacket with a

semen splashed all over it or something.

I don't know what you did that afternoon.

I wasn't splashing semen anywhere.

All right.

Can you say semen on this podcast?

Yeah.

You can say what you like on this podcast.

I will go a cheeseboard.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Why have you got?

I've got to go even worse.

I've got the cheese board.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I want adult cheeses.

The really adult ones.

Like blue cheeses.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And a bit of quince.

You're a little pricked.

Come here, prick.

I want some quince.

Yeah.

And I want savoury biscuits with it, too.

I want savory.

Savoury biscuits, some quince, and some adult cheese.

It's the worst Christmas.

Good.

What do you like on Christmas?

Well, that's a very interesting question because something happened over the course of my life.

Christmas pudding.

Yeah, big, big fucking bowl of Christmas pudding.

When I was very young, we were still imitating the sort of northern European winter.

So all of our adverts were people in jumpers around log fires and carving roast turkeys.

And it was like 42 degrees.

So all of our branding and advertising was still very much geared towards the sort of the mother country idea of Christmas.

But then throughout my lifetime, we started to just really embrace the fact that that's not who we were.

So often we have really big seafood cookups.

So we'd go to the fish markets, get a really big snapper, put that on the barbie, get oysters, prawns.

It tends to be a more sort of seafoody summer kind of.

Yeah, so I love that.

That's kind of, that's my absolute sweet spot.

That sounds nice.

Yeah, I'd love that.

Yeah, yeah, it's nice.

And I kind of, you don't feel quite as like that heavy lethargy after the sort of...

rice meal.

Do you still wear a paper crown or does that feel weird when you're

none of that?

No paper crown.

No.

No, we don't mix up all the imagery of paper crowns.

No, that would be weird, wouldn't it?

The paper crown thing I don't remember ever doing in our house.

My mum was always very depressed over Christmas, so I kind of absorbed that.

And I also get depressed over Christmas.

I don't enjoy Christmas.

Is that why you're in a bit of a bad mood today?

And it's not

just hungry.

No, I'm hungry talking about food, which has made me a little bit edgy.

I'm also getting a real sweat on.

Yeah?

Yeah, real sweat on.

You're wearing a very thick jumper.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You're so sweaty.

Yeah, real sweaty.

That's nice.

Really, really.

The other one's worse.

My right one's worse than my left.

And my left one stinks more than my right one.

Really?

Oh, wow.

Yeah, yeah.

That is way worse.

Actually, no, the left one was sweatier than that.

It's pretty impressive, isn't it?

Still good, yeah.

I sweat profusely.

I have a thing called hyperhydrosis, and it'll come out of nowhere.

And it's got nothing to do with my stress levels.

It's not triggered by anything.

Sometimes I'll be like at my computer, I'll be writing, and then I'll feel these like rivulets of water dripping down my elbows onto the ground and it's just it's just released like a fire hydrant yeah and oh shit it's just it's like i've pissed my armpits

oh

and i can hear it dripping on the ground and i'm like what's that what what's broken in my flat and i realize it's coming from my elbows your pits are broken yeah yeah yeah and it's just coming off in like just it's nuts i get really sweaty mitts as well really sweaty mitts Yeah.

And I can't control it.

There'll be times that are really high anxiety and I'll be completely dry as a bone.

I'll be like, that's crazy.

I'll feel fine.

Is it stinky sweat?

Yeah, it smells.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Does it smell of sort of like grilled meats and stuff?

It just smells of piss.

It literally smells of, and I don't know.

It actually.

That smells like urine.

Yeah.

Maybe a piss out of my own piss.

Yeah, maybe.

A shit out of my piss.

When was the last time you had a normal piss?

Like, just.

Oh,

that's a good question.

question.

Look at you, Dergy Hauser.

You just got to the bottom of that.

Maybe all your piss is coming out of your own piss.

Oh, that's nuts.

Well, Al Murray once on Taskmaster, they had to do a task where they had to sweat and gather an egg cup of sweat from themselves.

And he said

that biologically or whatever, chemically, urine and sweat are the same thing.

So he just pissed into an egg cup or whatever.

But then they didn't let him have those.

He didn't give him the points.

That's very Greg, though.

I mean, so I don't know.

The Emperor can, you know, you never know which way it's going to go.

I mean, he went your way, didn't he?

Yeah, I mean, I'm still, it's perplexing.

I mean, that, I know.

That is a perplexing output.

Did you two have to face each other?

No.

No.

No.

You didn't do champion, champions against each other.

No, Sarah was the series after that would have been.

Would that mean that we face each other?

No, we're not.

So you're...

You just did champion.

So, yeah, we just did it.

So, yeah, you'll be in the next batch, I guess.

I think I might be in that batch.

Yeah.

No.

Why would you be in that batch?

You're in the first five.

Champion.

Yeah, you're in the first, you're in the second five series, so.

champion though you weren't champion you're second bottom oh did you just try to just do you just try to muscle your way into the champion of champions without actually being technically

won your series so that's why she was on champion of champions like when you saw me in edinburgh it's like people remember things differently yeah yeah you've really misremembered this one well i think

why are you assuming that it's me No, I remember discussing.

I think Kerry won.

I think there was actually a trophy given to Kerry.

Everyone remembers the final episode of Series 7.

Kerry won, and you were sat there, second bottom, covered in gum.

It's no fun.

It's no fun.

Of course, everyone remembers Greg Davis ejaculating onto

his armpits.

That's right.

Lifted his armpits.

Or a little Alex Horn was playing a banjo.

Double shot.

And boom,

right in the eye.

Got you right in the eye.

Double shot.

Yeah, but

you literally avoid it for the first bit and then just get in for the middle bit to take away away some of the bitterness on either side.

That's right.

A Ristretto shot.

Just a Ristretto, thanks.

I wonder if I sweat so much because I've got so much hair on my head.

Yeah, you got a lot of hair.

Interesting.

It might have pushed the thermostat above what it can tolerate.

Well, I mean, while we're talking about this kind of stuff, and who knows how much of this is going to end up in the podcast, this is the most vile one we've ever done.

Thank you.

Before we recorded, you went to the toilet.

Did she?

Well, yeah, this is the thing.

You went to the toilet for the amount of time that I would say takes a piss.

I shit so fast.

I know.

Already knew what I was going to ask.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

It's crazy.

Everyone who's ever lived with me are like, how did you just do it that fast?

I'm like, not only do I shit fast, but I'd say I shit as often as I piss, but it's not diarrhoea.

How incredible is that?

But also you do it out of your nose.

Straight out the nostrils.

That's chit.

Yeah.

I sneeze.

You shit as often as you piss.

That's a bit of hyperbole.

I've never heard someone say with such pride, but it's not diarrhea.

Whoa.

But wait a second.

It's not diarrhea.

But it's not diarrhea.

Diarrhea is a shortcut.

I feel like diarrhea.

For anyone who's like, I shit all the time, I'm like, yeah, but is it diarrhea?

That doesn't count.

I do healthy, well-formed stools, but frequently.

But frequently.

I think it's the fasting.

Yeah, it must be.

I think it's the fasting and the double espresso.

Fucking clear a path.

Get to the bathroom, ASAP.

The thing is, Sarah, you came in here and you had a go at James for eating a sausage bap and having a Diet Coke.

Yeah.

And everything you've described so far about your own life, you are the unhealthiest person I've ever met.

You think?

I think it's healthy.

None of this shit.

But I shit all the time and I sweat buckets.

You sweat buckets onto the floor and it smells of meat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And piss.

Sorry, piss.

It smells of piss.

You shit as often as you piss.

Your throat's as dry as Sam.

Very fast.

Your driest throat in the world?

Yeah, I've got such dry throat that I think I'm

just leaving your body up your armpits.

Yeah, yeah, and I'm swallowing so often that the muscle is exhausted.

And you've blamed all of this on the fact you've got quite a lot of hair.

Yeah.

Yes.

I know.

It's like a 14th century doctor.

Yeah.

Well, you've got hair.

You've got hair.

Yeah.

There you go.

I know, but then I wonder if I'm getting all these

nasties out of my body that it's going to keep me in a very healthy state.

So if I'm just shitting out all these things all the time, what are you guys keeping locked in?

Sure.

Think about that.

Sure.

Doogie.

Maybe you should think about that.

Maybe you should think upon it.

Think on it, Doogie.

Yeah, it's all in you.

It's all you're walking around carrying that.

Sarah's got it out.

Sarah's got it out by 10.

Yeah, yeah.

I think I'd prefer to just, you know, go through my day and only do one, maybe, rather than, you know, every 20 minutes.

I do so.

It's not every 20 minutes.

But it's like,

I can't remember ever being constipated.

right i just it's just not it's not in my my i i'm kind of similar right i can remember two occasions right so it's not like a non i know some people who frequently go like two days without a shit

are you insane

do you know people like that who go yeah yeah i've met people like that and

they think they are normal they do and then you're like that's not normal you should be going at least once a day

i once um i was away filming something and uh i don't know nervous or bad food a whole week nothing and then on the seventh day oh boy I was like there's something happening here and I did

went to the toilet normal yeah normal poop yeah great yeah then went back into the hotel room I was like

I feel like that's not done another full poop yeah right seven poops amazing but they were all backed up yeah oh wow that's a that's a good idea to include that but I mean they do I love talking about

I've got a question about that is it bad it's bad though I think we I mean I don't know did the over wiping get uh unpleasant did you your graze you're that's a good question that is a good question I'd say not Benita got his pen out

I don't remember I think I was so happy that it was

so relieved you wouldn't relieve that I wouldn't mind a bit of overwhelm it's a hotel room you can lean across you wet the toilet paper sponge a bit yeah yeah my brother had this saying it made me laugh so much when he he said it you know like those poos we have to keep wiping.

And he said, oh, mate, it's like you got a brown crayon hanging out your ass.

How funny is that?

Brown crayon hanging out your ass.

Every time you wipe.

Oh, for God's sake.

Oh, just imagine your family at Christmas.

They're all made up.

They're all entirely made up.

What a Christmas episode this is.

I'm so sorry.

Let's be real.

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In that case, I guess we're ending

on Dream Drink, which we have never done before.

You've never ended on Dream Drink.

Well, no, it's normally on dessert.

We normally end on dessert, which is very nice.

We have covered that.

this see i had a bit of a problem with the drink thing uh because i don't i don't really like alcohol that much

i know i i drink to get drunk but i've i'm not into the taste i don't like a wine i don't like wine accompanying my meal like i don't get wine i'm i i don't get people who are into wine i don't uh it's not a taste that i go oh that's delicious i like yeah i can drink it which is i'm just there to get drunk i'm not there for the deliciousness of the that's fair enough yeah so i think my only drink requirement i i do like just a beer that remains cold so the second it dips below that really lovely cold temperature it just gets instantly replaced by another super cold it doesn't have to be alcohol you said you don't really like alcohol but you've chosen

an alcoholic drink yeah I can get drunk but if your dream drink is different I mean I mean I don't yeah I did I'm just imagine if it was a milkshake yeah a nice chocolate milkshake with some peanuts on top and some peanuts yeah okay I'll take that at this point

where people put on sweets I don't know

So yeah, you don't have to have boots if you prefer a different drink.

Yeah, oh

I'll have one, I'll have one beer just because there feels like some sort of ceremony about having a really cold beer.

So what beer do you want?

What's your favourite beer?

I don't give a shit.

Or a pale out.

I'm on a pale.

You know what?

I'm really hoping, because every now and again, you know, the listeners to this podcast kick off a bit and

really go after someone on social media.

There's a lot to go after.

I'm already fantasizing about all the stuff that you're going to get.

Really?

Yeah.

What do you think was the standout?

Well,

they'll be

fantasizing.

What's the pylon going to be?

What do you think?

I think some people will be like, you didn't even care what kind of drink she had.

Who the fuck doesn't even have a favourite drink?

Doesn't care about that.

Doesn't care what kind of beer it is.

No, I think people would be fine with that.

No, no, no.

No, you don't.

I'm not funny about drinking.

Really?

I mean, if I have to.

I'm trying to give them ammo here.

Sure.

And I will push back and say, if I have to, I'll say a Cooper's Pale Ale.

I do like Cooper's.

It's an Aussie beer.

And I'll get a Cooper's Pale Ale if I have to nail it down to something.

But if you brought over just a pint of Stella or, you know,

I'm not going to send it back.

Yeah.

It's not a hillwork dynamic.

It just seems a shame to end the episode on that.

Yeah, it does seem a shame.

So I'll, yeah.

I'm not going to send it back.

Thanks very much for coming on the offering party.

I think I've had a lot of conflict.

So I've got to be able to do that.

Yeah, it feels nice.

I mean, I have felt very angry throughout this.

Yeah.

And then like...

Which is a shame because now Sarah's going to have a different memory of you in her head.

Is that going to be the case, Daddy?

No, I don't think so.

This has gone on for too long.

No, it's gone on for too long.

This has been a decade of me thinking of, I'm not joking, once a week.

Yeah, once a week, thinking of how happy I looked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Even if the wind blows someone's hair, they think of James Acaster being happy.

So that's why you didn't mind the coffee this morning because you just thought of James Acaster.

This is so like James.

This is so James.

He's so happy.

I just laughed him.

That's so James.

Do you know the drink that I

this is not a great answer I also just really like Coca-Cola I just still love a Coca-Cola classic Coca-Cola What did I get a bollock in earlier?

There was something about it with a sausage bap before tan that felt like a it felt it felt dangerous, but yeah Do you want a Coca-Cola as your drink then?

You don't have to have a beer, you can have a Coca-Cola if you want.

Yeah, I don't mind a Coca-Cola.

Diet Coke or full fat?

Full fat.

Okay, some of this is going against what you've said for the entire episode.

Yeah,

because it's a confectionery.

Very sweet.

Is that my confectionery?

I said I don't have it very often.

James.

How are you feeling about it?

Now you seem happy about this.

Someone having a can of Coke as a dessert.

And do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to turn it into a spider.

I'm going to have a dollar for Coke.

I'm literally going to turn it into a spider.

So in Australia, a spider, when I was growing up, a spider was a Coca-Cola with ice cream in it.

You call it a spider?

That feels like, especially in Australia, that could cause some pretty big mix-ups.

Oh, hilarious mix-ups.

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine?

It might look a little something like this.

There's a spider behind you.

Cryke!

Stone the crows.

I thought you meant a red back.

And sing.

Yeah, yeah.

And then the other way around?

Do you want a spider?

Yes, please.

That sounds delicious.

Not a funnel, when?

And sing.

Yeah.

I love improv.

I love improv.

I'm pretty good at it.

I'm very much a yes guy.

Yeah.

Yes, and.

Yeah.

Yes, and.

It's pretty much all you have to do.

Your menu has mainly been no, thank you.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's been no, and you will do the thing that I asked you to do.

Thank you very much.

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to read your menu back to you now and see how you feel about it.

How do you feel about me putting some ice cream in my spider as an old olive branch?

I feel like it's to appease me, but I don't mind at this point.

What would you call that if you...

A Coke float.

A Coke float, yeah.

Coke float.

Yeah.

There you go.

Spider's quite nice.

There you go.

Nice to call it a Spider.

Coke float is also where I keep all my change to buy my drugs.

drugs.

I'll meet it to you and then see what you think.

Oh, good Coke float, Joe, by the way.

Thank you.

Carry on.

Water.

You want sparkling water and a flat white.

I'll come back to that.

Poplums or bread, a corner of sourdough.

Yeah.

The heel.

The heel.

Starter.

Beef carpaccio with capers, parmesan and rocket, plus nine pleasance oysters.

Yep.

Main course, lobster tail spaghetti, side dish, roast fatty duck from Chinatown.

Christmas meal, you have a seafood barbecue.

Drink, a spider.

Yeah.

Dessert cheese board.

Yeah.

Are we doing that or are we going to do the spider as dessert and get rid of the cheese board?

And move your flat white to your drink.

Oh, whatever you want.

I don't give a shit.

That is actually the only correct answer in this podcast, really.

Everyone should care.

That was literally the most boring.

You thought my end was boring when I ordered a drink and then you came up with that and you think that's an ending.

Yeah, sure.

Swap it out.

Fuck me.

have you how have you enjoyed this podcast i've had a lovely time i've had i've had a really nice time but do you know what i'm gonna get the horrors when i leave this building because i feel like when i'm in this situation like this with comics and then i go i shouldn't have said that i shouldn't have said that i shouldn't have said that that's not good i shouldn't have said that yeah i don't mind disgusting i find it weird when people find like disgusting disgusting yeah but talking about a shit i don't find that that's not a problem well merry christmas thanks for coming into the dream restaurant merry crimbo to to you and yours.

Well, there we are.

How are you feeling, James?

I hated it.

I hated it.

We've never had someone try and get out of a dessert so readily.

I mean, at least the Coke float, the spider got in there at the end.

Spider?

See, we're learning things.

We learnt things.

I mean...

Schooners, middies, spiders.

I was appeased, but

never before has it been dropped so early on that there's going to be no dessert and and then I've got to somehow handle it yeah

uh I don't I don't know I feel I still feel a bit rattled by it she didn't say kendall mint cake which you were probably praying she said I would have let her stay in yeah if she'd say kendle mint cake I would have gone you can stay in the dream restaurant actually because at least you're having some sugar yeah

well I loved it I actually really liked that menu didn't get a chance to say it in the main body of the episode I think that menu is delicious body being the key word we weren't we learnt a lot about the human body in that episode we did didn't we now this is obviously famously often turns into a pee-pee-poo-poo podcast.

Yes.

But today it was particularly pee-pee-poo-poo.

It's been a while.

Yeah.

Since we've even had a little mention of pee-pee-poo-poo.

Yeah.

And this one really made up for lost time.

Yeah, it really did one.

It was like, oh, here you go.

It's like we were backed up for ages and then

did seven in a row.

Exactly like that.

All came gushing out.

Yeah.

And it was also the Christmas episode.

It's very difficult to remember sometimes that this is a Christmas episode.

Well, look, yeah, just to let people reassure people,

there were two Christmas episodes.

Next week's will be more Christmassy, maybe.

Well, it depends

what you like about Christmas.

For some people, that would have been the perfect Christmas, what they've just heard there.

Well, yeah, I mean, that sort of sums up my Christmas anyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just basically packing food in and then.

Yeah, next week is more traditionally Christmassy.

Yeah.

I'd say that.

What you just had there?

I don't know.

Boxing day?

Sarah's Sarah's sitcom Freyed Series 2 is out in the new year on Sky and also available on Now.

She is brilliant.

She's a brilliant writer.

And do

take in as much of her stuff as possible.

She's fantastic.

Yes, absolutely.

But very begrudging.

Yeah, and James is furious.

Thank you very much for listening.

We have another Christmas special episode next week.

We'll see you then.

But until then, enjoy the festive cheer.

Oh, ho, ho.

If you enjoyed this podcast, can I interest you in a totally different podcast that's not about food and doesn't have James A Caster or Ed Gamble, but I would say is quite fun.

No, thank you.

Oh, okay, not to worry.

If you change your mind at a later date, it's called Nobody Panic.

Right.

It's hosted by me, Tessa Coates, and my friend Stevie Martin.

Which is weirdly me.

And we tackle all kinds of how-tos, from big things to small things.

How to stop saying sorry, how to poo, how to break up with someone, how to quit your job, how to relax, how to have a conversation, how to deal with unrequited love.

A smorgasbord of thing.

Absolutely.

We have a nice time.

People seem to like it.

If you like, you can come and see what all the fuss is about.

All that fuss.

What's it called?

Nobody panic.

You can find it on all of the podcast apps that you would imagine it would be on.

Please have a listen.

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Get started today at Certapro.com.

Each Certipro Painters business is independently owned and operated.

Contractor license and registration information is available at certapro.com.

Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies is coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At 7pm at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

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Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickety click click.

London, we're coming.