Ep 130: Bridget Christie

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

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And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, taking the frying pan of conversation, heating it up with the flame of the internet, drizzling in the oil of humor, and cracking in two fresh-faced young comedians and cooking until golden and runny.

Are we the fresh-faced comedians?

We sure are, James Acaster.

Hey, thanks, Ed Gamble.

This is the Off-Menu podcast, where we invite a guest into the Dream Restaurant and ask them their favourite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week, our guest is...

Bridget

Christie.

Bridget Christie is the last episode in the series, and we are very happy to have Bridget in the Dream Restaurant.

She is a brilliant comedian and a brilliant writer, James.

Legend in the game.

We all respect and love Bridget Christie so much.

We're so privileged to have her in the Dream Restaurant.

One of the many people who has beat me at the Edinburgh Comedy Awards.

Yes, that's what we're trying to complete the full set of all of the people who've beaten James in the Edinburgh Comedy Awards, which is a lot of people, because if you think about it, how many nominees are there per year?

Well, I mean, there's how many nominees?

Between six and nine.

So that's between five and eight people every year.

You were nominated.

Nominated five times?

Yes.

Yeah, wow, that's that could be 40 people that have beaten you in the Edinburgh Conference.

So we have got to find out how many people finished ahead of me.

Well, all of them every year.

Yeah, probably was all of them.

Yeah, yeah.

Pot of every year.

Scraped in.

Scraped in every single year.

Yeah.

But better to scrape in than to scrape out.

I don't know what that means, but we're very excited to have Bridget in the dream restaurant.

One of the best, one of the great.

So this is the final episode of the series as well.

That's a sad time, isn't it?

Yeah, always a sad time.

But knowing us, we'll be back in probably next week.

And even though it's the last episode of the series, if Bridget says a secret ingredient that we have agreed upon in advance, she will be kicked out of the restaurant.

What a sad way that would be to end the series, James.

It's a really sad way to end the series with a heavy heart.

And some people are saying that during this series, we should have kicked someone out already.

Yeah.

Jeff Rosenstock, apparently, should have been kicked out.

That's, I, well, I, I basically, he said cilantro in a chili oil, yes, uh, which is coriander, yeah.

But we said coriander seeds, and I think he meant coriander leaf.

So I don't think he was anywhere near to being kicked out.

Okay, well, you know, I just hear this stuff from my mum.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you're a very sad little boy, aren't you?

Yep, guilty as charged.

And this week, the secret ingredient is

donkey!

Donkey!

Oh, brilliant.

Thank you.

Wee donkey.

Wee, donkey.

You were making fun of my Scottish accent the other week, and now I'm back nailing it.

And then you've done yours.

Nailed it together.

Always good to both nail it together.

Eh, donkey.

Come here.

Eh?

You're still your watch-cracking donkey talking to me like that.

Stop it.

Well, I hope you're all looking forward to the next off-menu lives when we do them.

We will do some more and we'll be opening with our characters.

And James will be fully dressed up as Shrek doing his Shrek impression.

And that's a promise.

That is a promise.

A bit more of that, please.

That is a promise.

If you buy your tickets to Off Menu Live, I will be dressed as Shrek.

We've chosen Donkey as the secret ingredient because Bridget once did a show where she was dressed up as a war donkey, right?

It's called War Donkey.

The show is a fantastic show.

Bridget was dressed as a donkey for the whole thing.

So we're thinking maybe she got a taste for donkey meat during that show.

But if she says donkey, we can kick her out.

And Bridget is doing a new show now called who am i and that's on at the leicester square theatre in london later this month so without further ado this is the off menu menu of bridget christie

welcome bridget to the dream restaurant thank you so

oh gosh what is that welcome bridget christie to the dream restaurant we've been expecting you for some time.

What do you think happened there, Bridget?

Right,

I don't like loud noises when I'm eating, and that's really put me off.

What other loud noises wouldn't you like?

Was it was it like a was that fireworks or was it like a water fountain?

A bit of both.

Bit of both?

I mean, it is nice, but I've just spilled all my drinks everywhere.

That was me bursting out of a lamp.

So there were some fireworks, maybe there was a bit of spray, like water fountain.

Bursting out of a lamp.

Yeah.

Oh, James is a genie in this.

We probably should have mentioned this.

We didn't tell you that.

Is that why you're wearing those horrible clothes?

Yeah.

Yes.

They do.

Can you describe what I'm wearing to the listeners?

Well, it's very bright.

It looks like, you know, at Camden Market, there's a shop that's just got loads of material hanging down and purses.

And the material's all shiny.

Yeah.

And the shops you go in when you're at college or something, and you go, go, oh, it's so cool, and they've got jostics lit.

Yes,

James looks like he runs one of those shops,

and he's dressed himself in all the things in the shop.

I love those shops.

I used to go to Canberra Market on a weekend and go in all those shops.

There was one man who stands outside the shop, and I can't remember his catchphrase.

It was something like shiny, shiny t-shirt.

And he'd go, shiny, shiny t-shirt.

And you go, no, I'm all right.

He goes, no, shiny, shiny t-shirt.

And then once he dragged us all in there into his shop to try on a shiny, shiny t-shirt and he made us try them on got them out of packet try them on i went i don't want this and he went well get the fuck out of my shop

and threw the coffee

i absolutely love him have you had him on

what's the shiniest outfit you've ever worn or bought shiniest outfit is a is a silver dress that was really scratchy and itchy and so i never really wore it but i did find it in a charity shop yeah yeah how old were you?

How old am I?

How old were you?

Do you ask all your guests?

No, I'm excited because I'm 50.

I was about.

You're excited about being 50, aren't you?

You told us about it before we started recording.

Yeah.

So you heard the question, how old were you?

As how old am I?

I old tell you.

Yeah, I'm going to crow.

I'm going to crowbar it in somehow.

Even though it was clearly, how old were you?

That's what you heard.

You were like, this is my opportunity.

How old am I?

I'm 50.

Even pretended to be offended by the question for you, but you ask all your guests that.

I'm 50, though.

I'm loving 50.

It's going to be my answer to everything now.

How old was I when I bought that silver dress?

I don't know.

24?

24, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sure I've bought something shinier than a dress to wear.

Out of all the odd things that I've bought to wear.

There must be something shinier.

Must be something shinier you've worn.

I mean, how shiny was the ant costume that you made yourself?

Not that shiny, actually.

It wasn't very shiny.

No, the only shiny thing with that was the leggings.

Uh-huh.

Because you've had multiple sort of costumes.

And the goggles, multiple

costumes.

Charles I, as well?

Was that one?

Nothing shiny about that.

No, nothing shiny about old Charles.

There was a...

Well, you just as a donkey for a show, didn't you?

I did.

There was, no, there was Japanese knotweed that I had to.

A bar, a member of the bar staff had to cut me out of it using the knife that she used to cut the lemons and limes.

I was caught.

That nicked you.

That lemon knife.

She had a very trusting face.

That'd hurt, though.

So, were you dressing as Japanese knotweed every night of Edinburgh and she had to cut you out every night with the lemon and lime knife?

It didn't make it into the finished show because it took too long to get in and out of it.

I had,

you know, that plastic ivy sort of foliage you can buy.

Yeah.

I was, I had all of that all around me.

Like a green man, you know, a green man.

Yeah.

But then I just couldn't get in and out of it.

You know, my whole, I think the whole 20 minutes was five minutes of that and then 15 trying to get out.

I mean, I don't know.

I'd like to watch that.

Yeah, me too.

I think that would be funny.

Yeah.

Yeah, but that would be another one of those things that I do where there's one comic laughing backstage.

James, like the time you said, wouldn't it be funny to drag that massive award out onto the stage?

Just

pretend that it was really heavy.

I stand by that would be funny.

What had happened was Bridget.

I dragged it out in a nice funny way.

The Eden of a Comedy Award.

We were doing a gig that was all the nominees.

That horrible gig.

That was the winner.

Awful gig.

It's a notoriously hard.

You can't win.

You just...

No.

It's awful.

It's always difficult.

They're all sat there with their arms folded going, oh, these are the people who got nominated, are they?

And the night before, in the same venue, there'd been a show called The Wrestling.

And at the end of the wrestling, they presented a massive, over-the-top trophy to the winner, and that was still on the side of the stage.

I said, Bridget, because you've won, it'd be really funny if when they introduce you, you drag this really heavy trophy on with you, like that's what you won.

So they introduced Bridget, she dragged it on to absolute silence.

Total silence.

Well, they don't know, do they?

As far as they know, that is that is the award.

Yeah, yeah, but also, I mean,

if I saw someone dragging a thing, I'd think, oh, that's but though you could hear a pin drop.

me and Mike Wozniak laughing our heads off yeah but like yeah and then you got you got to the middle and you went

it was light as a feather as well

really light

sorry that's what they give you and they were like what

it's a lesson we all learn but never take advice from a comedian while you're side of stage someone saying it would be funny to it'd be funny to do that because they're almost always going to fuck you up.

Rosie Jones always does that to me as well.

Like I'll say, oh, I've had this idea, but I'm not sure about it.

And she'll go, do it, do it, do it.

And it never works.

But I can always hear her laughing.

She's a bad influence, actually.

She's a little.

She's a very naughty imp.

Yeah.

She's been on this podcast.

She chose for her starter all of the crisps, different crisps.

I mean,

I can see why she did that.

Yeah.

I've got a problem with crisps.

Gone.

Well, I just can't

stop eating them.

It's not a funny problem either.

It's a problem for a lot of people.

It's a dark problem,

it's a dark problem.

Like, how dark has it got?

Well, I can't have them in the house.

Have you had to have like a sit-down with yourself, a really serious kind of thing?

Yeah, I've said, come on, all the salt and whatnot, you know, just get on top of it.

But I just can't.

There's no limit to how many crisps I could have, I don't think.

There's no limit.

I think I could genuinely not stop until someone pulled me away.

Which, what sort of crisp, what's the ultimate one that sends you into a spiral?

It's just all

crisps.

You can't even think of a favour.

That's how much you love them.

I can't have meat crisps because I'm veggie.

If there were meat crisps in the house, would you eat the meat crisp?

No, no, no, I can't.

I had a really weird light bulb moment where just a switch went off.

It was like literally one second I could eat meat and chicken and whatnot and gone.

The next I couldn't.

Where were you when this light bulb wrote to Damascus moment?

Quinnsby

outside the

chicken restaurant?

And what did you see that made?

I had been in there before,

and then I saw a sign that said that it was halal.

And I thought, oh, right, okay.

And then I thought, oh, I didn't know that.

And then I thought, I don't know where any of the stuff that I've eaten lived or how it was killed or in what circumstances or any part of its life from beginning to end.

And

I just thought I can't.

So, your issue with the meat was that you don't know its backstory?

Yeah.

If you'd known a little bit more about the meat, about where it grew up, would you have been happier to and like whether it was read to you at night and stuff?

It was literally, I didn't even have to think about it.

Yeah.

What about eggs?

That's the next thing to go.

But in a minute.

I guess you sort of do know the backstory of the egg, right?

Came at the butt.

Yeah.

And it's always, you know, where have I got them from?

And, you know, I always try and get the ones with feathers still on them.

And then I keep them for and I I'm I'm I'm building them up.

I'm saving them up all these little feathers that you get.

No, you're not, Bridget.

What are you talking about?

I am.

To make my no, to make a pillow for myself.

Come on.

Come on.

I'm going to make a scarf out of it.

And the egg feathers.

You're saving up the feathers off eggs.

And make a little pillow for

a tiny pillow.

A tiny little pillow.

How big will the pillow be?

Oh,

I mean...

Enough, not enough to put your head on, but the sound of things.

To put another on.

I'm not saying I've got a really massive head.

I've actually got a small head.

A big 50-year-old head.

In fact, I have had a nickname which is ant head because I've got a small head.

That's why when I was I put on four stone with my first child,

but my head didn't get bigger, so I looked

so I looked really weird.

So the tiny pillow that you're making out of egg feathers

are going to put your your little ant head on that?

It's actually, I've only got three so far, and I've been collecting them for about four years.

Three feathers?

They don't, there's not often one in there.

It's very difficult to sort.

Where are you buying the eggs from that you can sort through them and find the ones with egg feathers on them?

Well, I only buy eggs from if, say, like I'm driving in the countryside and there's a little sign outside a farm saying

get your eggs here.

Get your eggs here.

I'll just buy them that.

No, I don't just get them.

Just go.

Where are you keeping these feathers?

In a box.

In a little box.

Yeah.

Is it like a Tupperware box or a couple?

It's an egg box.

Oh, so you've kept an egg box?

Yeah.

And you've got three feathers in there?

I'm not a hoarder, but I keep certain things.

Yes.

What else do you keep?

I've got my children's umbilical cords.

Oh,

God.

Make a pillow?

No, because they'd be too sharp, because

where they dry out, they become quite hard.

Do they?

I'd be like, oh, what's that sticking in?

Like, sort of squid.

I've never kept a squid and kept kept it in a box for 14 years, so I don't know how that would be.

I mean, I wouldn't roll it out at this.

Yeah, don't look at me like, that's completely out of my hand.

Loads of little milk, teeth, and hair.

My son's hair, because it was golden when he was little.

Yeah.

Like a halo.

So I kept that.

If I was in an accident and I lost a finger, I'd probably keep that.

Would you keep it in the same box as the umbilical cord and the hair and stuff?

That's my kid's box.

So I'd probably have to have a separate box for all of my stuff that had come off.

Yeah.

What accident are you imagining that means that you get that you lose a finger?

Well, I just saw my fingers, so that was the first thing I saw.

You looked at your fingers and they're here on the table.

I lost these, I'm not going to get.

I mean, I guess any body part, if you lost it, would you keep it?

My head, if I was decapitated in a horrible accident,

in fact, I should have been.

You could keep that in the egg boxes, yeah, yeah.

Just pop it in one of the chambers.

We always start with still or sparkling water.

Oh, God, still every time.

Can't do sparkling.

I've got this, well A, it's very gassy.

Is it gaseous?

Yeah.

I don't know what the right word is.

And also it sticks in my throat which is weird because it's water.

I've got a very

well I think it's a small, a closed throat.

Is it

a tight throat?

I don't know.

I have to really

swallow food now properly, like chew it up properly and only have small

voice that isn't getting through.

I would I so I would choke if anything's like, you know, like chocolate snowballs at Christmas, they've got like a dusting on the outside.

Yeah.

That would make me choke.

How often do you

choke or nearly choke?

Do you know what?

I have to be so careful genuinely that

not at all now.

A couple of years ago, it was all the time.

I was like, I need to sort this out.

Like, my throat.

My throat is becoming too small for...

for food that I would normally just normally eat.

And is this to do with the ant head as well, do you think?

Yeah.

Is this all part of the?

Do you have an ant throat?

Well, I've always had a small.

Do you think it's like ants getting back at me?

Because I did, I did like.

Yeah, because you pretended to be an ant in one of your shows.

So now

you're turning into an ant.

Do you think I might be?

I think it's like a metamorphosis thing.

Yeah, you pretended to be an ant, so now you're gradually turning into an ant.

And it's first your head and now your throat.

Because I can carry really big boxes.

I'm now able to carry much more than I used to.

Yeah.

I have been working out a bit though.

Oh, yeah.

Might be that.

But yeah, so swallowing things.

So fizzy water.

So the bubbles get your throat so small that the bubbles get caught.

I think actually that is what's happening.

Or they're creating, like, because there's so much air.

I'm not a scientist, but maybe all the air is not expanding, but creating more space in my throat.

That doesn't make I don't think that makes any sense.

I don't know, maybe all the bubbles there, they do something.

Your little throat.

So because you were saying you can't eat chocolate snowballs.

No, I can't eat them, I just have to lick them first.

What?

I have to lick the dust off them first because it's the dust that's that makes me so then if you're licking the dust off them first isn't that asking for trouble because you just get all the dust.

No, I totally see what you totally see what you mean because

you wet the dust.

You're wetting the dust.

Because it's if you if you put one in your mouth without wetting the dust and you inhale the powder down your throat, then I understand that that's the best.

He's very clever, isn't he?

Yeah, he's very clever.

I am a scientist.

Yeah.

Ed is a scientist, like us.

So you get all the dust in your throat and then your throat can't take it.

So what couldn't I ask?

Okay, so Turkish delight would probably kill me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or

I couldn't have Turkish delight in a nice, dignified way if it was served to me in a restaurant because

I'd have to say, I've got to lick all of this first.

You'd announce it?

Yeah.

I'd announce it.

And then I'd sit there

licking it all.

The white witch would have kicked you out of her carriage.

Yeah.

You wouldn't have had a chance to betray the other kids in Narnia.

I mean, like, that is disgusting, Bridget.

Get out of here.

Go and hang out with Tumblr.

But it might work for me, though.

She might think, who is this

loose cannon

licking all the Turkish delight?

I'm not gonna F with her.

Oh, you swore actually, I'm not gonna fuck with her with this, yeah, with this Turkish delight licking anomaly.

I mean, you'd fit into Narnia, wouldn't you?

Because there's a lot of like creatures there that are like part animal and part human.

It's funny that you bring Narnia up, yeah, because I have got it's not really a sexual fantasy, but

one of my

symptoms of the menopause, which is what I'm in now, is hot flushes.

Yeah,

and I'm having really good fun my menopause, but I know that's not a lot of women's experience, but I am.

And

my sister told me this great trick to do for any issue that you've got.

Visualize the thing.

So I visualize, so my hot flushes, right?

I imagine that James McAvoy,

who was Mr.

Tumnus,

is controlling my body temperature using a thermostat in a, in a, like, so I see him in an old Victorian house, like with a wooden floorboards.

So that's how, first of all, that's how you imagine your body is like an old Victorian house, is it?

No, but I might do that.

No, it's just

where your body thermostat happens to be.

It's him as a fawn specifically with the red scarf.

Yeah.

Because he's out in the snow, so that makes me feel, oh, it's snowy and cold.

Yeah.

But also his blue eye, you know, because he's mischievous, isn't he?

But it's his cloppity feet and the red scarf, the whole thing.

So when I'm getting up, he's just in there going, Woo!

Let's make bridget hot and cold and have a lot of fun with that i wonder why uh you felt the need to preface that with this isn't a sexual paradise

because i don't think if you had just told us that we would have thought

randy old bridget

no not at all well i mean he's not wearing anything apart from a red scarf that's maybe why i made that leap but he does have hooves yeah but he's like i assume he's like you know he is in the film You haven't, you know, made it more graphic.

You haven't made it more anatomically corrected given.

Well, you have now a form.

So now that's in my head.

Yeah, you're never going to be able to get rid of that.

No, that's it.

That's when he's swinging around while he's messing with your thermostat.

But a form in the line that witch in that TV, he doesn't have any genitals in that.

No.

There's nothing left.

But a

satyr has a permanently

erect

penis, doesn't it?

What?

We look at Ben though, Ben Ben or no?

Looked straight at Benito then when you said that.

First time you've looked at Benito for the whole episode so far.

Perfectly erect penis.

You're like, look at Benito straight away.

Permanently.

A satyr is, you know, like the pan-god.

There's loads of different names.

I think that a satyr is Greek and a fawn is Roman.

Is that right?

Right, okay.

Look at Benito again.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, it's because he's doing all the technical stuff.

I assume that you know more than we do about satyrs and erect penises.

So a satyr.

A satyr is like a naughty pan-god, like half goat, half man.

Well, it's a naughty god.

Yes.

It's the devil, isn't it?

In half-goat form.

I think that's what a satyr is.

But a fawn, I'm imagining it's less sinister.

Well, he's not.

Tumnus isn't sinister.

Tumnis is nice, isn't it?

Mr.

Tumnus is not getting around with a big hard amount of fault saying that.

Although, that would make sense.

That's why he lives in the woods by himself.

He's been banished.

No, oh don't, because that will put me off the woods now.

Oh, my God.

I know I'm remembering.

No, I can't.

I have my eyes twitching now.

Yeah.

See that?

Yeah.

It is just genuinely an eye twitch you've developed.

Who are you imagining controlling your eyes?

Yeah.

Let's have a think.

Who else has been an animal, half-animal?

Well, I'll tell you, someone...

is played an animal in a film.

Pretty arrogant of James to bring up his own acting career here.

Have you played an animal in the film?

Well, it's coming out this Friday, but you know.

What animal are you?

I'm a mouse and Cinderella turn into a footman.

Oh,

that's part animal.

They've done a lot of good promo for the film.

I don't know if you saw James Gordon dancing in a traffic jam.

You can gloss over the promo.

No?

The promo doesn't matter.

Is this the thrusting thing that I've heard about?

Well, yes.

Hasn't really done us any good.

I'm sorry.

If any man thrust at me,

I'd kick him in the face.

That was his only part of his body that was exposed, is fair.

I hate thrusting so much.

I cannot even tell you.

Even just one.

If one of you just did one and said that was an accident, my hips moved like that involuntary.

Yeah.

It was nothing to...

I would...

I don't think I'd ever see you again.

No.

Poppadums or bread.

Jesus Christ.

Poppin' ups or bread, Bridget Christie.

Poppin' ups or bread.

Pop a dumbs.

Poppadums.

Now, is that really your choice or have you been panicked into it?

Bread be too too full, and also I have like a wheat.

I don't know what I've got.

I've tried to look into it, but I get cramps with too much bread and stuff.

I think it's the wheat.

So, you go pops every time.

How's the type throat dealing with poppadoms?

That's not dry.

That's okay.

Yeah, so I just crunch them up.

You've got to crunch them up quite a lot, I'd imagine, if you try and take them down too dry or

if they're in shards.

I'd imagine the anthroat is not going to like that.

No, I would.

I mean, you wouldn't swallow a massive sharp bit of poppadom.

I'm not insane.

I've got a small throat.

I'm going to swallow a massive shard of popadon.

It's just dusty things.

I'm not a god.

Just because I'm 50.

You know, you can take me out.

I'm not going to, you know, be sticking things in my throat.

Going, ah, why didn't I chew that up?

I'm not, you know.

I'm only half a century.

You know, I'm not.

Have I got any things with the popadon?

dinosaur?

Yeah, well, what would you like with it?

Because I was going to say, does that make it difficult for the ant throat if you're putting toppings on it?

We don't need to talk about the ant throat anymore.

Why don't we need to?

I mean, we've never had a guest on the podcast who's got an ant throat before.

It's just a, I'm sure you have a tight throat.

They've just not admitted to it.

This is the first time we've been able to talk about it, and you know, I just think it's become smaller in the last five years.

It's become harder for me to swallow things in the last five years.

Okay.

But I do.

I don't chew my food up and then spit it out.

I do swallow it.

Because we're talking about food on this podcast.

Earlier you said you kept the umbilical cords.

Did you eat the placenta?

No,

it didn't come up.

Like, I wasn't asked.

And actually, when I,

the midwife threw my daughters in the bin.

Oh, wow.

And I had to

fish through the bin to get it.

I said, I really, I like burst into tears and I said, I wanted to keep that.

And she was like, it's, you know, it's waste or whatever.

Just chucked it in the bin.

Because we don't keep things like that.

Lots of cultures, indigenous cultures, keep placentas and

they, because they believe in like in the planet and stuff.

And so they give something back to Mother Nature because they think they've been given life.

So they plant it in the ground or they attach it to a tree and they sort of see it as giving something back.

It's really amazing all that stuff.

What does it take to stumble across that tree on a walk.

I'd be absolutely petrified.

Imagine if you're taking a walk at night time and found the placenta tree.

No, we just throw dog shit in them, don't we, instead?

What, in the trees?

Yeah, in bags.

Have you not seen trees covered in plastic bags?

No.

Have you not?

I've not seen a tree with a plastic bag full of dog shit.

That's the.

Have you ever been on a motorway?

So

by

in a lay-by, look at the trees.

People just, or do you walk?

Have you got a dog or anything?

No.

Right, maybe you've not noticed.

Yeah, trees.

And I back me up here, but

I can't believe this.

I can't believe you don't know how much people throw bags full of dog shit into trees.

No, I've never seen it.

Yeah.

Neither of us have seen this.

It's a thing.

It's a thing.

Peter's shaking his head.

Yeah, it's a thing.

I think you're living very sheltered lives.

I don't know.

Maybe you're the one living quite a sordid life.

It's not me.

I haven't got a dog.

I mean, I wouldn't do it.

Also, it's like, why go to the bother of putting it in a dog bag?

It's probably better to just let your dog foul, isn't it?

Because of the plastic.

Did you see one tree where this was the case?

So have you seen it?

Do you see it a lot?

It's a thing, and you're going to get lots of calls about this, I imagine.

Yeah.

It's a thing that people do.

It is a blight on the countryside.

Yes.

And in parks.

I believe you.

I've just never seen one.

Well, you're lucky.

I wish that I had not seen it.

Yeah.

Imagine all the little birds that

should be in the...

the pecking into them thinking.

They said they've got a tree full of dog shit.

Well I don't think they'll be pecking into the bags, will they?

What kind of birds do you know?

Well I don't know any birds but.

Well they don't eat bags of dog shit.

Yeah but they might want to see what's in the bag

they might want to see what's in the bag though.

What kind of a bird is this?

What kind of tree is this, you know?

They're not going to peck a plastic

bag that doesn't smell of placenta.

I grew up in London.

I don't really know about nature.

Would it peck a placenta?

It might do, actually, because that's organic matter, isn't it, rather than a plastic bag.

You'd hope so.

Would you rather sleep on a pillow made of egg feathers or sleep on a pillow made of feathers that are from birds that have exclusively

eggs don't grow feathers?

Well you you're you you you're the one who who said you saved the egg feathers earlier.

Yeah, sorry.

Would you rather sleep on a pillow full of egg feathers or sleep on a pillow full of feathers from birds that have exclusively been sitting in the dog shit tree?

It wouldn't make any difference to me.

No?

No.

Wouldn't they smell a bit of dog shit?

No.

Because the

well, no.

I mean, unless they had a bath in it, which they don't do.

I mean, how would I know?

We'd barely tell you.

We'd tell you at the end.

Oh, you'd tell me.

You'd have one night where you pick your pillow.

Well, the little egg feathers, then, I think.

Egg feathers, yeah, fair enough.

If you had a pet bird and you bought it and you were really happy with it and you were excited and you brought it home to your kids, why are you shaking your head?

Before I even got to the I can't even go to aviaries.

It bothers me so much.

Oh or zoos, I can't cope with anything caged.

Okay, well it's not in a cage then.

Oh so I live on a huge estate and it just flies around.

Flies around your house?

Yeah.

If it can come and go as it pleases.

Yes.

Well I've got three cats.

So I wouldn't have a bird.

So it lives in harmony with the birds.

Let's just say they all get on.

Yeah.

Your family love it.

Yeah.

Everyone loves it.

yeah it can come and go as it pleases here's a catch

all it eats is bags of dog shit

do i have to do

yeah you've got to feed this scenario correct

yeah so everyone loves the bird it comes and goes as it pleases sings sings so nicely sings a beautiful song every day i'd have to say to it there's a lady down the road who's got a dog yeah you'll have to eat there

and then come back when you've finished and have a wash before you come back I don't think, because I think then I could call, for example, the RSPB

and say that Bridget's got a bird, but she's refusing to feed it.

Hang on a sec.

I've was given a scenario

with no options or deviations.

So I don't know why the RSPB are now getting involved.

Because you're refusing to feed your bird.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are, because it only eats dog shit and you're making someone else, bags of dog shit, and you're making someone else.

We've come to an arrangement.

arrangement.

If Polly

then said, Well, I'd rather eat here,

I would say, Well, we need to have a look at your diet then.

Yeah, I think that's a reasonable thing to say to a parrot.

Yeah.

There's a parrot.

Is it?

Well, Polly, I just assumed that.

Polly was a parrot parrot.

Yeah.

Does it?

Yeah.

I hadn't.

Classic parrot name.

Yeah.

We've got those green parrots at the back with the red beaks.

What are they called?

You know, the ones, the green parrots?

Parakeets.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They manage to get squirrels off the nut feeders.

They like shout at them and the squirrels get off.

What do they shout?

Well, they go like, wow, wow, get off, you

stupid, feathered idiots.

They call the squirrels stupid, feathered is it?

Idiots.

Which is rich because I think squirrels are cleverer than parakeets.

They don't have feathers.

Yeah.

I once saw, this is, well, I only did it once and then I felt really mean.

I could because there's little birds that I love coming in for their nuts and whatnot and their fat bowls, but the squirrels would always just get them.

So, and I had this pole and I'd

made this pole that was so high that they couldn't, but they still managed to get up it.

So I put a little bit of Vaseline on the pole

and a squirrel sort of did like a.

Well, it was one of the funniest things.

Like a stripper move.

Yeah.

Great.

Went all the way down.

Third all the way down.

Swirled all the way down.

And then I rubbed it off because I felt mean.

What?

Rubbed the vascular.

That is not my menopause.

Oh, God.

I don't know why.

That is so funny.

Oh, God.

Have they got, I don't think they've got external genitals, have they?

Benisa.

Squirrels.

I haven't seen any, have you?

I've not seen any school genitalia.

So, yeah, who knows?

Don't know how easy it would be to rub one off.

Water, we've only done water.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Your dream starter.

Right, can I have please my daughter's mackerel tart

with

salad from the 1980s?

Okay, let's.

Yes, you can.

Yeah, of course.

We need to know more about both of these things.

Okay.

Let's start with your daughter's mackerel tart.

So she'll do her pastry first, shortcrust pastry, which she's very good at, and she'll pop it in the fridge, do it all properly.

Then she does leeks in butter on the hob.

Lovely.

So when she's blind-baked the pastry, base first, take it out, put the buttered leeks in,

and with frozen peas, so that soaks up the butter.

That's really nice.

Then you lay out the smoked mackerel, make sure all the bones are out,

and then it's creme frache, mixed with eggs and salt and pepper.

Pour that on top,

and then put some more mackerel and then bake that.

Sounds delicious.

Sounds good.

It's very good.

How old is she?

10.

Wow.

That's really impressive.

She's very impressive.

Yeah.

Loads of cakes as well and stuff, but

her mackerel tart

and her bread.

Shouldn't really have it, but she's really good at making it bread.

And does she just decide she's going to do this?

She's just like.

It's her thing.

I'm going to crack on and do this.

It's her thing.

She's going to have a van when she's, you know, that's going to be her job, a little food van.

When did you start this interest?

When did you start getting into this kind of stuff?

A couple of years ago.

Yeah.

About two, three years ago.

What was it that...

I like baking.

We would bake together.

Yeah.

And then,

you know, if I'm busy or something, she'll just do it herself then.

But it's nice to do it together.

Would you say the student has become the master?

She's pretty good.

She's really.

She made me a lemon birthday cake for my 50th birthday because I was 50.

Are you 50?

And it was really, yeah, it was just everyone was like, oh, wow.

We took it to the restaurant.

I was so proud.

I can't have smoked mackerel anymore, Bridget.

Oh, God.

Because I love it.

And then a few months ago, I had some for breakfast and I went bright red.

A bone?

No.

Oh.

No, I've got a massive throat.

I've got an elephant throat.

No, something in it just made me go.

I felt like my head was going to pop off.

All of a sudden,

all of my blood went to my head.

I felt like it was going to pop off.

I looked in the mirror.

It didn't fit.

I just felt hot.

And I looked and I'd gone completely red.

But why would that happen just out of the blue?

Sometimes I think the way I looked it up, sometimes the way they store mackerel, there's an issue with it.

And

there's too many histamines in it.

So it's like I had a massive allergic reaction to this mackerel.

I went

completely red.

I did.

So, what do you mean, salad from the 80s?

Salad from the 80s was different.

You can buy a lettuce now that is more like the lettuce you used to get in the 80s, which is called butterhead lettuce.

But also, I've noticed, oh, I shouldn't really say, but I've noticed that salad items and herbs, especially sage, are not what they used to be since we left.

I don't know, they're just stuff.

But you shouldn't really say that.

Well, stuff is going off.

My fruit and vegetables and salad is going off much quicker.

Yeah.

And

this is the most middle-class thing I have ever said in my life, and I'm ashamed to say it.

But sage, when I used to get sage, the leaves used to be really nice and small

and thin.

And now they're sort of really big and chunky and hard.

And they won't fry properly.

And I'm ashamed that I've just said that.

I'm ashamed of myself.

And you see this as a result of Brexit?

It's entirely.

My hard, chunky sage is because of Nigel Frat, and I hate him for that.

And of all the things that have happened, all the people who've lost their livelihoods and everything, all the worst things.

My chunky sage is absolutely the worst thing that has happened to come out.

Hard, chunky sage.

Why is that then, do you think?

Do you think now you can only get British sage and it's harder and chunkier and beforehand you were getting like French sage or something?

I don't know, but I can't fry it.

Right.

There's a thing called sage eggs.

Have you done them?

What?

It's butter in a pan,

loads of chili, flakes, sage.

You fry all that up, the sage with the chili and the butter.

Yeah.

Put it in a little

jug.

Another thing with the menopause is words.

Is that a menopause thing?

Yeah, is it's the

words names people getting people mixed up yeah so what happened then

tumnus had the word jug hid it in his scarf i'm gonna make it you now as a mouse running off with my words because he's doing the heat thing am i thrusting in it

no that's ruined it now already sorry it's gonna have to be mr tumnus for all of my symptoms yeah yeah can you for the words i think you should imagine james as a mouse a castor not cordon thrusting and the word is bumped away.

He thrusts the word away and it pings off into the from his hip hip groiner, it hips

groiner.

I mean

that might make me grasp the word quicker.

Yeah, because you want to

thrust in the stop.

I'm not going to be able to not see that now.

So every single time I'll thank,

I'll have you know, I can't think of a word, which is multiple times every day.

Yeah.

I will now be thinking of which half of him is a mouse now?

The bottom half or the top half?

In the film, the whole of me is a mouse and then I turn completely into a human.

But no one's going to watch that.

So imagine it however you'd like.

Okay, so I'm going to have your bottom half as the mouse because there'll be no genitals or anything.

Okay.

Like Mr.

Tumnus.

Just like Tumnus.

Yeah, so bottom half is a mouse and then the top half is you.

Because I like you and you're my friend and we've known each other.

So, because if it was the mouse's head and face, I wouldn't really know that.

And your bottom half, that's not a good combination.

No, it's inappropriate.

I think it's much better to have a cute, furry, genitalia-free bottom half.

Yes.

Because that's quite cute, maybe with the tail.

Yeah.

And the tail.

Your top half.

Now, tell me, Bridget, do you imagine then, if his bottom half is the mouse, is he on all fours?

Is he on his human arms?

Or he's standing up on his mouse legs.

Standing up on his mouse legs.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, exactly.

He's actually on a bicycle.

Yeah.

So you're not going to bicycle.

Unicycle.

It's easy to thrust on a unicycle.

I'm not going to thrust on a unicycle.

No, you'd go backwards and forwards.

Yeah.

No, that would be very hard to do.

I think you'd come off and I'd be stressed.

I'd be trying to think of the word and stressed about you hurting yourself.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll just have him standing by a pond or something.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a good, good job you got there.

Is it a big part?

No, not really.

How did you end up being a mouse in a film?

Well, I was casting it and then then they said, what do you want to play?

Yeah, they said, look,

obviously, you can be in this film.

Choose the role.

Is that right?

No.

I wonder what about you made them think mouse.

I'll tell you what it was.

I'd love to know who else was up for the mouse party.

Well, I can tell you.

I mean, it wasn't meant to be.

And this is widely known.

It's already been reported.

But I wasn't meant to play the role.

So originally, it was John Mulaney.

Right.

But filming in the uk during covid so couldn't do it and it was like two days before filming so we're like we need we need to get someone quick and uh the person playing the prince just said to the director

this is such a brilliant story really yeah and then the the you know the director kay cannon she hadn't heard of me but she trusted the prince so she went yeah right who's the prince has he's in your stand-up yeah he was watching my stand-up at the time.

He was watching my shows.

At the time.

Like, not live.

But he'd been watching them in the evenings.

And he was like, I'm watching this guy.

Get in.

That's why this business is so, you can't take anything personally or

you can't sort of be upset about anything that happens because it's so random, isn't it?

Yeah.

Pretty funny.

That's a great story.

So, like,

the mice are all called.

So James Corden's mouse is called James.

Romesh Ranganathan's mouse is called Romesh.

How did he get his part?

Oh, he was first choice.

Oh, James.

Romesh.

Yes, yeah.

And then my mouse is called John, because John Mulaney was meant to play it.

Oh, that's funny.

Maybe change that.

Can't have two mice called James.

Yeah, so John Mulaney.

So they asked Romesh to be a mouse.

Yes.

Romesh was always good.

So they contacted me and said, Do you want to do this?

Films in two days' time.

The other mice are James Corden and Romesh Ranganathan.

I was like, yeah, of course I'll do that.

And how much of you of are you, you in it, like this?

Yeah, I mean, I'm not, you know, my range isn't,

you know, yeah.

Is it animated then?

Well, I think what Bridget was asking is, how much are you human and how much are you a mouse?

Oh, yeah, sorry, I should have made it.

Do you act well?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I'm like,

for most of the film, I'm a cartoon mouse.

Okay, a CGI mouse.

CGI mice.

And then we get turned into into humans do we see the like in Doctor Who do we see you transform yes do you have to go ah ah and start yeah well well here's the thing that happened so like yeah

the first thing we had to do was turn into humans from when we were filming and we had to start in a very low down crouch down position the three of us and then Kay Cannon showed action and then we were to jump in the air and land on our feet like we just like transformed right and the first take we did of that crouched real down low jumped up in the air landed and then I did a big fart A really big, loud fart in front of everyone.

Did you really?

Yes.

Did they keep it in?

Well, I don't know yet.

Comes out on Friday.

But did everyone hear?

Yes, I'll see.

Did everyone hear?

No, everyone was very nice about it.

Everyone made out that they couldn't hear it, but I was like, there's no way you couldn't hear that.

I mean, that's it.

Was it like a nerves fart?

I think it was just the position.

Yeah, it was the position.

But also, I'd probably have been in nerves.

Yeah.

I'll admit that.

Have you got a loose rectum?

Yeah, well, I was getting into the role of a mouse, and I'm pretty sure mice just plop whenever, don't they?

So, like,

they do, don't they?

I thought, surely, yeah, if I was like a human who'd just been a mouse, yeah.

This is a great double act, tight throat and loose rectum.

I mean, I'm up for it if you want.

So, what you said to the squirrels?

I don't know.

Why?

The squirrel thing is so funny.

I don't know why the squirrel thing is so funny.

Oh, God.

You can't mention the squirrel again.

Oh, God.

They're after.

You made it to a such a little bit.

It's smutty for us, isn't it?

It is, but not usually smutty.

I'm not, I'm never smutty.

Oh, God.

It must be because I'm 50.

I always think of summer at my dad's house.

And the salads, I don't know, just

everything seemed to be much more vibrant.

I don't know if it's my memory of them, but tomatoes were much redder and juicier, and salad was much more natural looking.

That sounds really crazy.

Like the salad that we used to get, to me, feels like it was all from an allotment in a way that it doesn't feel now.

And I can't really explain.

Maybe because it's really packaged and

washed.

In that you used to, when you got things, they were in season.

So you could only get things when they're in season, so they would taste fresh and nice.

And now the way things are packaged and stored, you can get things all year round, but they're not necessarily

the right time to eat them.

Yeah, exactly.

You want in-season 1980s salads.

Lettuce.

Lovely.

Yeah.

You know, potatoes, maybe.

Salad cream.

Yeah.

But we don't really have that anymore.

That was a really big thing, big part of the salads when you're much younger than me.

I remember salad cream, but yeah.

You can still get it.

It's gone the way of the dodo.

I think it might have a bit of a comeback, you know.

Yeah, it feels like.

This is actually pretty nice on a

new potato or an egg, isn't it?

It's like on a cheese sandwich.

I'd put it on a cheese cream.

A cheese switch, that's a pizza salad cream It's good stuff.

That's really good, yeah.

I got put off salad cream at a young age because a kid in my class was eating something with excessive amounts of salad cream in it and it had built up in the corners of his mouth.

And I remember seeing him doing that and thought, well, that's it.

Never eaten that again.

That's it for salad cream.

Never eaten salad cream again.

Oh,

you should have cleaned it off for him.

What?

Yeah,

that would have got you over your phobia of salad cream if you'd have.

With a napkin.

I'm not dressed

definitely

oh i'm not dressed as a squirrel yet

don't get ideas i'm just as a mouse

it's third down

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Your main course.

This is hard.

These sorts of things are always hard for me because I genuinely don't have favourites of things like bands, colours, you know,

food, things, you know, clothes, things are all equally good to me.

I can't, it's very hard.

So this is this is hard for me.

But would I be able to have as my main meal bits from different places?

Are you talking about

global to pass?

No, I I had, right, this is, there are so many meals that I've had in my life, but there was one bowl of pasta that I had in Sardinia years ago when my daughter was about two and a half, three.

My mouth is watering now and just think, I don't don't know how they.

Don't let the water build up in the corners of your mouth, otherwise, James will never be able to drink that.

No,

it was very simple.

It was pasta with fresh pesto and pine nuts, and whatever they did with it, I don't know, but

I've never had anything like it before or since.

And it was a very big bowl.

I think it might have been for all of us, but I had all of it.

And then, and then my daughter sort of had fallen asleep on me when I was eating it.

And I always think think about that.

And it was so delicious.

I think they do do it differently over there.

What kind of pasta was it?

Linguini.

I think they just use really good ingredients, don't they?

Yeah, I think that's it.

And I guess the setting and the surrounding as well.

Yeah, and the memory.

It was really windy, and we were by a beach as well.

We have a surprisingly few amount of pasta dishes as the main course, don't we?

We do that.

That's what I, yeah.

I think we've had

people take pasta for granted.

They do.

Yeah, but if you get this is why I've picked this particular one because everything, everyone thinks pasta pasta, but if you have it in Italy, especially on an island or like Sardinia or somewhere, it's going to be maybe oil that

they've been making the same way for a long time, maybe hundreds of years or something, and been making pasta like that for a long time and making pesto like that for a long time.

It's not like what we'd have here.

I've never had anything like it.

It's just,

I couldn't quite believe how amazing it was.

And also sometimes simple dishes because I've eaten, obviously, I've eaten a lot because I'm 50.

And, you know, there's all the there's like fancy meals that I've had or, you know, I remember once when I was in Kerala, this guy brought this fish out in this banana leaf and me and my friend were like, I actually cannot believe how beautiful this is, the taste of it, what it looked like, where we were and everything.

But I always go back to this pasta.

I don't know why.

And what you think of all your family meals that you've had and things like that, but.

It's got to be the pasta then, hasn't it?

Do you want your daughter sleeping on you?

Oh, yes.

As well, for this course.

Can I have her time on that?

Yeah.

Two and a half years old.

Sleeping on you for this course.

Oh, well then, well then, of course.

I mean, it's a bit of a...

She's all over the place in this meal because

she's had to cook the starter when she's 10.

She's had to go back in time.

Back in time to sleep on your shoulder.

What else did you...

Because you were talking about adding lots of different things, but this pasta seems to be the main focus at the moment.

But could I, I mean, I can have a side, can't I?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, we're going to come to the side dish.

Also, as well, with the pasta, I was wondering if I could have some of my dad's potatoes or chips, maybe.

No, I can't.

Well, it depends.

He wasn't there, so he can't really be there.

He wasn't there.

Do you want your dad sleeping on your other shoulder?

No, he'd be like a noisy sleeper.

You've got some potatoes in your salad and your starter.

Can he do those then?

Yeah,

what's he doing to them?

Well, he does cook them.

I'm not sure that would go.

The way that my dad cooks potatoes could be chips or rats.

He's famous for them.

Yeah, I don't know what he does.

People always talk about.

Everybody talks about my dad's chips and potatoes.

Everybody.

Literally everybody.

Wow.

No one who's come to the house.

who's been in that house since the late 50s has ever had a potato cooked better than how my dad has cooked them.

Really?

It can be chips or potatoes.

Yes.

And because I've got siblings who live in different countries now, if they come home and does like, what do you want?

Anything with chips or potatoes.

Does he keep it a secret what he does with them?

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah.

Have you ever watched him do it?

Do you think you've picked up the knack across the years?

I'm not bad at them, but it's a fluke, and sometimes they're good and sometimes they're not.

Yeah.

He buys a particular potato and he does something to them before they're cooked.

And then I think he uses very, very hot.

They're just very powdered light inside and very hard and crunchy on the outside always and the perfect colour every time now I feel like they've got to make an appearance because they sound so good well that would be very nice do you have another side dish that you spinach need to get in spinach you need to get the spinach in so where are we going to put the potatoes james i mean i'm prepared to allow multiple side dishes for this one are you double side double side i mean it doesn't sound i mean because I mean, because nobody else has had multiple.

Why the spinach, though?

Because spinach, to me.

I can't really do without spinach.

If I had to live without spinach, I'd feel like I was going to be really ill.

Yes.

So is this like more of a medicinal thing for you?

No, I love everything about it.

I almost can't cope with how much I love spinach.

How often do you have spinach?

Well,

once.

I'd have it.

You've only had it once.

Most, you know, all the time.

Yeah.

Four times a week.

Everyone else having it in your house, or is it just you?

No, I love it the most.

Like raw, or are you cooking it or what are you doing?

I don't like it raw.

No.

Quite good microwaved.

Yeah.

And or steamed.

Butter?

Butter, salt, garlic.

Yeah.

You just went to another place then.

If it's on any bill ever, I was always I would always get it, but sometimes they I have to say with no cream, I don't want it creamed because it's too much for me creamed.

I just like and it takes the greenness away from it, so it dilutes the colour.

You know, it's such a vibrant, dark green, isn't it?

Yeah.

The most amazing green, isn't it?

You do feel healthy eating spinach as well.

Yeah, more than anything else, like kale or anything, it was a bit difficult.

There's something really of the earth about spinach for me.

That sort of slightly metallic, irony-ish, the colour, just everything.

If I could only have one thing that I was allowed to eat,

it would be spinach.

What What did it do?

For the rest of your life, you had to eat one thing.

Yeah, it would, it would, yes.

You'd never get bored of it.

Well,

I would, but I, I mean, I only had one, that was the deal, wasn't it?

Well,

it's the deal you set up.

Yeah.

What would annoy me is that I wouldn't be able to like chew it.

I would, I would miss not being able to chew down on something hard.

Yeah.

But then I suppose I could keep some raw and have like the stop the stem.

That's nice.

You could deep-fry it, I suppose, make it like spinach crisps.

And we know what you like with crisps i wouldn't do that i wouldn't do that

no do you actually not think if if all you had for the rest of your life to eat was spinach that you would delve into other ways of eating it rather than just the same way every i think you'd have to wouldn't you so you would probably open your mind a bit more to creamed spinach just for some variety getting cream from that's a really good point from bridget actually because it's the spinach dish yeah but you can't if you can only eat spinach okay you can't have garlic and butter in there either no but that's the point i would just have steamed spinach.

If you have one thing forever, you just have steamed plain spinach.

You've got to pick one thing.

Yeah, I know.

But like,

that surprises me.

If you said that spinach with butter and salt and garlic, that was the thing you'd have for it.

Okay, yeah, I'll see that.

I thought you didn't say I could have other things with it.

Well, we didn't come up with this at all.

This was you.

This was you who came up with this.

This is all you, Bridget.

I mean, if it, if, if, if, if, yeah, I was thinking of literally one ingredient, like all one thing.

Yeah, yeah.

What do you think yours would be then?

Bag of dice cream.

What?

It can only be one thing, though.

It can't be as part of a meal made out of it, or because then that's other ingredients with it.

Beef.

You're going to just cook beef.

Yeah.

That's all.

You'll be like Jordan Peterson.

Yeah.

I'm on the carnivore diet.

And he's quite angry.

Yeah, he's not a happy man.

So I'm not sure about just...

red meat.

You could have steak tartare.

You could have all the different cuts of beef.

I'm with you on this, Bridget.

I think he would turn into Jordan Jordan Pete.

If you'll be angry, if you get sick

because you've not prepared it properly, you're basically, it's just you've got water, that's all, to make you feel better.

I'm having beef.

I know James is about to pick ice cream, so I don't know why he's looking at me in judgment.

What?

Is it ice cream?

Yeah.

That's the only thing you can eat.

Yes, forever.

If you say one thing forever.

One thing.

Just one thing forever.

Ice cream, please.

So we need to get to the bottom of this.

Side dish, you're having steamed spinach with butter and garlic.

And salt and pepper.

and salt and pepper and also your dad's roast potatoes if you had to pick for this pasta dish yeah the spinach would go much better i am in the rare position here which i'm not usually on this podcast but i just want to see these potatoes make an appearance because yeah you know you really sold them to us it's quite nice that your dad has this thing that everyone always talks about and my niece made a video of him making chips like a documentary it's like a little film when she was at film school well as part of her course course, I'll email it to you and then you'll see.

I feel like the documentary chips have got to be on there, right?

Yeah, yeah.

If the chips and potatoes are so good

that

your niece has made a documentary about your dad making them, I feel like to boot them off the menu in favour of steamed spinach.

It's a bit of a burn.

Well, I would have picked dad's potatoes over spinach, I think.

Right.

If you said no, I would have thought, well, could we not put it with the starter then, maybe?

Let's do that.

Let's put spinach with the starter and the side are your dad's roast potatoes.

Yeah.

What's your dad's name?

Pete.

Pete's Potatoes.

It's a documentary like a chef's table.

It's not a documentary.

Just a little short film.

Loudest Benita's ever laughed on the podcast.

Don't think there's anything.

Your dream drink now.

This seems even harder for you.

One drink out of all the things I've drunk.

Yeah.

Okay, so water is always my favourite drink.

Okay.

But you got that.

That's a good one.

I've got that anyway, so that's good.

I had a lavender cocktail once.

Right.

That was so nice.

I had about

six or seven.

Nice.

What was in it?

And where was it from?

I can't remember what it was.

I looked it up last night.

It was at Soho Hotel.

Okay.

And I tried to get onto their menu, cocktail menu, to find it, but I couldn't.

It was in a tiny little glass and it had lavender on the top.

And it was very lavendery.

God, it was so good.

Now, this is interesting, though.

On this podcast, we always, every week, we have a secret ingredient that is something that we don't like.

That if the guest says it, they get kicked out of the dream restaurant.

And it's not lavender this week, but it has been lavender in the past.

I guess we'd be absolute fraudsters if we sat here and said that cocktail sounds delicious when the listeners know we don't like lavender.

I'm not a lavender fan with the smell of it, the taste of it, absolutely not.

Don't mind the look of it.

Got lavender in my garden.

Been to a lavender farm before.

It's a lovely day out.

I like the smell.

But not a huge fan.

I like the smell.

You like the smell?

Yeah.

It's a nice smell.

Just don't eat it.

Do you like palmer violets?

No.

I think it's more than a little bit.

That would be a nightmare for the ant folk, wouldn't it?

More like I'd suck it to nothing.

The amount of times I've got to not say that's what you said to the squirrel

is so difficult.

But there's no

of our eyes go upwards there, imagine the squirrel and then come back was

there's knowing that Bridget said don't mention the squirrel again so I can't do it.

She just said I'd have to suck it to nothing.

I mean I think a lot of listeners at multiple points during this podcast, from when you you told us to not mention the squirrel again until now, there's been a few moments where I've been like, don't say that.

But it's really good.

That's what you said to the squirrel quite a few times.

Anytime you feel, if it pops into your head,

it's fine.

Well, it's only because then...

Well, I don't know why I find it so funny, but I'm.

It is funny.

I'll tell you why it's funny.

You Vaselined up a pole in your garden, and then because of that, a squirrel then did a little stripper slide twirl down the pole, and then you went out and you felt bad, so you rubbed it off.

So that's funny.

And then it's

everything on top of that that you might have said to the squirrel.

Oh god, I think it's knowing that the squirrel has done the pole dance first.

Yeah, that's why.

Yeah, that's lovely white.

He was absolutely fine.

He just sort of went like that a bit, you know, yeah,

came back for more later.

Yeah.

Oh dear.

Oh, good.

She's gone again.

That's it.

Do you know what the booze was in this lavender cocktail?

Oh, God.

I honestly did try to look it up.

Yeah.

So it mainly just tasted of lavender.

No, I think because there was lavender on the top, that when I was drinking it, it smelled like lavender.

But it was so good.

I couldn't stop drinking them.

It was a very dense.

Definitely had egg white on it.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, cool.

It's in a

tiny, tiny little glass.

Oh, you got barely nothing.

I mean, it was in one of those posh little glasses that are only that deep.

Right, okay.

So it was diddy.

So you're smacking back, yeah.

As it's the dream restaurant, seven of those.

You can, yeah, you can have seven of those, or we can bring a pint of it, whichever you prefer.

Well, ten is a nice round number.

Okay, yeah,

you're ten in the little glasses.

Perfect.

I'm going to enjoy this so much.

I did also.

I can't have another drink, can I?

Well, what?

What?

What?

What you wanted to mention?

The wine that Jesus gave his disciples

at the Last Supper.

No, I mean, can you imagine if you could get some of the from the actual?

Yeah, if you could lay your hands on a bottle of that.

It's aromatized wine.

They've said they know from the dining.

It means Romantimes wine.

That's very funny.

That was very

good.

That was very good.

I think.

Bean stew, lamb, olives, unleavened bread, aromatised wine.

That's what they had.

That was was the meal.

So you're Catholic, right?

Yes, brought up very staunch Irish Roman Catholic.

Have you always known the full menu of Jesus' meal with the disciples, the Last Supper?

No, I knew there was one.

We had a big tableau of the Last Supper in our house had all you know, iconography everywhere.

We had a big gold Last Supper sculpture

thing that I used to.

The scene.

Yeah, but it was like solid, painted gold.

Yeah.

But I just used to think who was there and what did they have and did anyone get a bit pissed?

And did anyone not like the meal?

I bet Judas didn't like the meal.

Probably feeling a bit awkward.

A bit, yeah.

Nervous.

Lost his appetite.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Knew what he had to do.

I wonder how much Jesus would have eaten.

Not much.

He didn't look like an eater from the pictures, right?

No.

Well.

Doesn't look like.

But there are, I mean, the pictures that we've

drawn.

From the photos.

All the photos, I mean.

Maybe at that last supper, he was like, fuck it, I'm dying tomorrow, and just ate loads.

Had loads.

Past the potatoes.

I think that is a direct quote, isn't it?

Yeah.

Fuck it, I'm dying tomorrow.

Fuck it, I'm dying tomorrow, past the potatoes.

Yeah, Jesus.

Put that on no context off, menu.

Make sure you cite Jesus as the person who said that to us.

Actually, the sad thing about when most people die, we're talking about not in accidents or things like that.

When the majority of people die, it's a very

calm process.

And we're normally quite heavily medicated, so we don't know that much about what's happening towards the end.

But it's a shame because I think we're probably not hungry when we're dying.

You like to think that you would go out with a bang and have all the best stuff that you've always loved, and perhaps, for whatever reason, not indulged.

But actually, you probably just really don't feel like it anyway.

And I guess, yeah, I guess that's the sad thing: is most people don't know when their last meal is.

No.

So you don't get that chance of going like, this is what I'm going to eat before I die.

Unless you're on death row, for example.

Yeah.

Or Jesus.

Yeah.

You have a last supper, call your mates together.

Do you think you called it the last supper to them?

Probably not.

Didn't want to spoil the surprise?

No.

This wine.

Yes.

If you had it for your meal, would you want it how it was then?

or now it's aged over all centuries?

If it didn't make me sick, I would want the wine wine untreated that they had.

Yeah, yeah.

Even if I just had the tiniest, tiniest amount,

that would be much better than having just the same type.

Is it red or white?

Red, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, this is original blood of Christ, right?

This is the first.

The first one.

This is OG blood of Christ.

Would you just say, I'll have the blood of Christ, please, instead of wine?

OG blood of Christ.

No, I don't think I would.

No, I'd say, can I have the wine that Jesus had at his Last Supper?

If there was any left, please.

I feel like if it's just a lick of it,

you could have a lick.

You know, you would just do that, wouldn't you?

Oh, that's bitter.

So you just dipped your finger into that glass of water there and licked it in front of us.

Well, just to show you what.

Yeah, but that's what, just for the listener.

Yeah.

That's what you would do.

You would dip your finger into the glass.

I wouldn't have a big lug of it.

Would you have it before the ten lavender cocktails, or would you drink the ten lavender and then lick Jesus's blug?

I would have it with a clean mouth.

So I would drink lots of water.

Yeah.

I would have this wine before I'd eaten anything.

Oh, so

this is like an aperitif?

Well, I would fast all day.

Then I would drink lots of water.

Then I would have the wine that Jesus had.

Then I would clean my mouth again with lots of water and then I would have this meal.

Right, okay.

Oh, yeah, we'll allow that.

Yeah, yeah, we'll allow that.

Of course, we'll allow that.

And do you still want it a lick or do you want a whole glass?

Oh, I think it would probably make me quite ill if I had a whole glass.

So just a lick.

Just a lick of it.

Yeah, that's what you just want to say.

Oh, I forgot my tea.

When you have a baby in hospital,

oh, my toast.

I forgot my toast.

When you give birth in a hospital,

a midwife comes and gives you a cup of tea and a slice of toast.

Oh my God.

And there is something so profound and moving about it.

Was this the same midwife that threw the placenta in the bin?

No, it was a different one.

It's the it's the act of being given

giving birth.

Which

just a cup of tea and a piece of toast.

So simple, but yet so meaningful and so welcomed and so needed and so kind.

White bread, brown bread, lots of tea.

It was just white, white buttered, hot buttered toast.

That's what I had.

Never forget it.

I even remember how much the slices of toast were toasted.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, and a cup of tea.

I don't know if you live with people and whether you get made cups of tea a lot, but if you haven't had a cup of tea made for you in a long time,

someone giving you a cup of tea is like quite a big, great thing.

But if you've just given birth and somebody gives you a cup of tea and a piece of toast, there's something really quite amazing about it.

So your daughter has gone even further back now in this meal.

Yeah, here we go.

So, she's 10 when she makes the starter.

She's two and a half when she's a starter.

Well, we could say it was my son's birth, if you want to mix it up a bit.

Yeah, sure, because I got tea and toast at both.

Wow.

They remembered your order for the second time?

Yeah.

They did.

Yeah.

How do you know?

No, sugar, thanks.

So I don't drink caffeinate.

I drink Roy Bosch tea

with any non-dairy milk.

What hospital are you in where you're going?

Make sure that's a Roy Bosch, by the way.

No, no, no.

This was the Federica, but back then it was just whatever.

During the birth.

Roy Bosch!

Give me the Roy Bosch!

Well, strangely, that wouldn't have been comforting to me.

I don't know why.

Builder's tea

is much more, yeah.

And I had my children before I used to drink Roy Bosch tea.

Is this an extra course, James?

What's going on here?

Yeah, so yeah, so now I'm trying to.

Right, so where would we factor this thing?

So I'd like for you to have the cup of tea and toast

instead of poppadoms.

We could swap them out, could we?

Okay, if you want to swap them out, because that's bread.

Yeah.

Toast.

Yeah.

So if you want to swap, if you're not really that bothered about the poppadums, we can switch them out.

So then you're getting there, you're washing your mouth out with water, you're licking the blood of Christ, you're washing your mouth out with water again.

Well, I haven't called it the blood of Christ, you called it.

Yeah.

You're washing your mouth up.

washing your mouth up with the water again.

So then you're giving birth after that.

So you would have to go through the whole birth for this tea and toast to taste the same I think yeah okay yeah that's fair enough yeah so you do that and then you get the tea and toast and then we start your meeting

would there be a worry that if you've just had the blood of Christ and then you give birth that you think maybe you've given birth to a new Jesus maybe would that it would be a new Jesus I wouldn't make that connection myself no only well I mean you know

but if it's sudden yeah if you're not

well when you're looking at the blood of Christ are you pregnant in this Is that what you imagine now?

Or do you look at the blood of Christ and suddenly you're giving birth?

That sounds like immaculate conception.

If it does sound a bit of a coincidence.

And if you turn up pregnant, you really shouldn't be licking the wine anyway.

I've only had it a tiny bit on my finger.

Yeah, but it's like

they change their minds all the time about what pregnant women are allowed to not have.

Yeah.

So I think, turn up,

I've fasted all day.

Yeah.

I'm massively pregnant.

My waters have broken.

Yes.

Is that a broken breast?

Which a mouse ran over in real life?

Huh?

A mouse ran over my amniotic fluid when they broke in my flat.

Did it thrust?

Did it stop in the middle of it and do some thrust?

Slip over.

Put its hands behind its back.

Do very little thrust in your amniotic fluid.

I was so angry.

Yeah.

We used to live in a flat that just was infested with.

We couldn't get rid of them.

We had everyone rat, you know, what are they called?

Exterminators?

Yeah, all those people just couldn't get rid of them at all.

And I remember my waters broke on my bedroom floor, and then just a mouse ran over them, and it made me feel really sick and angry.

Yeah.

At least you saw the mouse run over them.

So imagine if your waters had broke and you looked down and there was just a mouse in them, and you would have thought, Is that

what's up, the baby?

I'm not pregnant with a mouse.

It's not the baby, just looking up at you.

It was horrible.

Yeah, really ruined the moment.

I bet it did.

And then am I having my dessert now?

Yeah.

My mum's apple pie.

Lovely.

Very nice.

Most of this meal has been cooked by your family, which is wonderful.

And very connected to family.

Even the opening drink is from Jesus, everyone's granddad.

Yeah.

It's lovely.

Your son and daughter are in this.

Your parents, husband not getting a looking.

Well, no, he does.

He does make really good roast dinners as well.

Yeah.

But the potatoes must always be a letdown, though, must be a good thing.

I mean, I can't.

I mean, he's a really good cook as well, but we're talking about just one thing here.

Yeah.

Every time he makes the potatoes, it's a very stark reminder that he's not in competition.

I have to say, oh, they're much better than dad.

No, I don't.

So, mum's apple pie.

I thought about all the lovely desserts that I've had.

Really fantastic food, but if we could go back

and me watching her mixing it and making it.

She was really good at baking, and she went mad once because she used to make a Black Forest gato and my brother Pete used to sell it at school and she found out

we went mad.

Hold on.

How was he doing without her finding out?

Sell slices.

How did he get busted?

He must have had some money and they've said where did you get that from?

Or maybe my older brother, because you know I've got eight brothers and sisters.

Wow, I didn't know that.

So like one cake, did you not?

Yeah, so like one cake.

We would have had to have just one little slice each, presumably.

Yeah, so so she was really good at baking.

And it would always be really crusty on the top, those paper.

Oh, really nice.

Is there cinnamon in it?

No, just really simple apple.

That's it.

Yeah.

What are you having with the apple pie?

Well, there is a town in the south of France called Mirapois.

It's a little medieval town.

And we always every year used to go on holiday, me and my husband and kids, to a little French holiday camp place called Domaine de l'Esplanet, which is in Kien.

So you fly into Carcassonne and then you drive about 40 minutes south to towards the Pyrenees and this little town market town

used to have a ice cream van which was from a farm which was about 25 kilometers away that used goat's milk for its ice cream

i've got a feeling this is the ingredient that you're going to kick me out but they

did a rose ice cream.

That's been on the list.

That has been on the list as well, but not today.

You're safe, you're safe.

And when did we first have it?

Six, seven years ago, and we still talk about it.

Yeah, we would drive, it would take a couple of hours to drive there, and we would go there only for that.

Yeah, and we went before Brexit, and then we went after Brexit.

And it's the same guy selling us.

And he said, You're English.

And I said, Journey said, No rose ice cream for you.

And I said, I voted remain.

He was joking.

Everyone in the queue was like laughing at us.

Please let me have

we've come from London just to have your booty.

Yeah, I mean, really something else.

Yeah.

Get the fuck out of my shop.

If you're into ice cream,

I'd almost like to take you there.

I'd go?

To Mirapois.

I'd go to Mirapois with you and go and have the rose goat's milk ice cream.

James, it will blow your mind.

I'd love it.

I've never been a fan of rose things.

Normally I'm not into rose things, but if someone says it'll blow my mind.

It's very delicate.

I would like to know what you've had that has.

Because people tend to put too much in.

Yeah.

It's quite, I find it too heavy and too sort of floral.

You just need

the tiniest, tiniest drop so that actually it doesn't taste of rose.

It's just when you're eating it, you just get this like you're in a garden.

You've just walked past,

you know, some rose.

Actually, it's, is it Peter?

David Austin roses.

They're the ones that smell.

A lot of roses don't have a scent now, which is really sad.

Actually, you know, even with my salad from the 80s, can I have roses?

But there is a particular type, they're called David Austin roses, and they always have an amazing smell.

It's just like you're in a garden, and you could just, you don't even know where the roses are.

That's that's how you should use floral stuff in cooking, I think.

Just so that it gives you just a memory of something.

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah.

A memory of being in a garden.

That's the thing with food.

It's just it gets you more than anything else, more than music.

Smells get me, and tastes tastes more than

of all the senses.

They're the things that bring me back.

A homemade apple pie to me is my mum, who sadly died in 1997.

But if I saw a homemade apple pie, I'd be right back to my kitchen when I was little, home with her wooden spoon and her cardigan, and I'd be like, well, this is the best apple pie ever because of what I'm thinking about when I'm eating it as well.

You know?

Yeah.

Food's really good like that.

And you want the rose goat's macaroon cream on the side?

No, it can't be in the same bowl I'm sorry.

Different bowls.

I don't like food being contaminated by I like eating food together but say if I had a chocolate tart at the end of a meal and it came with something that would have to be in a different bowl.

Even if it was like a bit of ice cream or cream?

No it can't be together it would ruin it.

I'm gonna read your order back to you now Bridget and see how you feel about it.

Water you would like still water and then you wash your mouth out with it and then you're gonna have a lick of the last supper wine and then you're gonna wash your mouth out with all the water again.

And then you're gonna give birth, and then the midwife's gonna bring in a slice of toast with some tea, a cup of tea.

And then you would like for your starter your daughter's mackerel tart with 1980s salad and some spinach.

Main course, you would like linguine with fresh pesto and pine nuts in Sardinia with your two and a half-year-old daughter sleeping on your shoulder.

Your side dish, you would like Pete's potatoes as your side.

Your drink, you would like 10 lavender cocktails from the Soho Hotel, your dessert, your mum's apple pie, and mini pois rose goat's milk ice cream.

You want to taste it and then just feel like you're in a garden.

And then you look around in the garden, and there's a pole, and it's got Vaseline on it,

and a little squirrel just spirals down that pole, and then you feel bad, so you rub it off.

Nice meal?

Well, I mean, that is a meal for the gods.

Yeah, it is a meal for the gods.

I feel quite overwhelmed.

So does the squirrel.

We've got our squirrel's day.

That's it, isn't it?

I do have to say,

I wouldn't just end a meal like that.

I mean, you haven't offered people coffee or...

or cheeses or anything like that.

Could I have a filter coffee, please?

Which you cannot get anywhere.

Drives me bloody mental.

You can't get filter coffee anywhere.

You can have a filter coffee.

Filter coffee please with any non-dairy milk on the milk.

Absolutely.

Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you so much for having me.

Well there we are.

The off-menu menu of Bridget Christie.

Thank you so much to Bridget for coming in and so sorry to that poor squirrel.

Sorry to the squirrel.

Thank you to Bridget and thank you to all of you for listening to this series of off-menu.

It's been a wonderful ride, hasn't it, Ed?

It has.

It's been a really good series.

There's a lot of rumours bouncing around it's been our best series yet.

That's what people say.

And by people, as you know, I mean my mother.

Yes, exactly.

It's your mother, your only link to the outside world apart from me and Benito.

Yes, you and Benito tell me that the podcast has been going well this series.

Yes.

But you know, you could be biased.

My mother, however, I know her opinions of everything else that I do.

So if she's saying this is good, it must be good.

Yeah, but your mum says every series is the best series afterwards, like the man who runs the Olympics.

Yeah, yeah, my mum is like the man who's the man who runs the Olympics.

The Olympic man.

After every Olympics, he goes, I think it's been the best Olympics ever.

I never heard him talk, but I love that.

Well, me neither.

I mean, that voice was very much off the top of the dome.

Yeah, well, it was a good place to come from because I enjoyed it a lot.

Well, look forward to off menu live when you get to see a sketch with James playing Shrek and me playing the man who runs the Olympics.

Yeah, there could be loads of scenarios we use for that.

Yeah.

Obviously, all of them would be Shrek doing an Olympic event, and afterwards, you just say that.

That was the best of lump bugs ever.

And it's me introducing myself.

And what would Shrek say?

Well, I'd introduce myself at the beginning, like Johnny Knoxville does at the beginning of each jackass thing.

So I'd be like, hi, my name is Shrek,

and I'm going to do the pool vault.

Here we go.

That was the best of lumpbugs ever.

Yep.

Oh, it's going to be great.

Bridget did not say donkey, luckily, so we got to keep her in for the whole meal.

Thank you, Bridget.

Thank you, Bridget.

Which also means we get to plug her show, Who Am I?

Which is on the 14th to the 18th of December at the Leicester Square Theatre in London.

Go to Bridget's website for details, and Bridget's website is bridgetchristie.co.uk.

One of the best comedians in the world.

You can't go wrong.

Get your tickets now.

Correct.

Also, come and see me on tour.

I'm also a comedian in the world.

Edgamble.co.uk.

On tour from February with my show Electric.

And buy my vinyl from edgamblestore.com.

Electric.

And hey, as an end of series present to us, why don't you leave us a review?

Whichever podcast app you use, but you know, those guys over at Apple, they love a review.

So if you're listening on an Apple podcast, leave us a five-star.

You can write a few things in the box if you want.

So we're absolute star hogs.

First of all, you've got to get yourself a job at a well-known publication.

And then you've got to get yourself in the

podcast review department.

James.

And then you can write us a review and get it published in the paper.

James, that's not how the world works anymore, man.

I'm surprised your mum hasn't let you know.

Oh, I thought that's what you've got to do to be a reviewer.

Call your mum straight after this and ask her about podcast apps.

Well do, man.

The rest of you, don't go hungry and always eat your food.

bound, down, down, down, down, bad, down, bad, down, down.

Is that what you think the theme tune sounds like?

I'm pretty sure that is.

Bonito's nodding at me, and he looks like he thinks that's what he sounds like.

Sort of that through a Seinfeld.

What would you do?

Well, I wouldn't do that through a Seinfeld filter.

Well, let me hear your one.

Yeah, Benito's nodding, but that's better.

Well, or the end.

The end wasn't as good.

The overall sound was good, but then maybe in post-Bonito you could layer them both up on top of each other.

And then have Shrek singing the lyrics to the off-menu theme tune.

Yeah.

My name is Shrek, but

and I am green.

Princess Fiona shit, my baby.

I think I was expecting the lyrics to the off-menu theme tune to have something to do with off-menu.

What is Shrek singing there?

What's he gonna say?

Yeah, no,

the occasional references to Shrek one, I'm sure, but he'd been hired to sing the off-menu lyrics.

It seems weird you've hired Shrek to sing about off-menu, and then he starts talking about his girlfriend, saying Princess Fiona is my baby.

He likes what he likes.

He's not going to suddenly start though in a part of podcast.

He's in Shrek, isn't he?

There'll be about three films in Shrek.

Very clear what he was into.

Yeah, that's true.

See you next series.

Bye.

Don't go hungry.

Hello, my name is Rob Orton, and I do the Rob Orton Daily Podcast.

The Rob Orton Daily Podcast is a daily podcast that is quite short, some are two minutes long, some are ten minutes long, and they are stories and poems.

And basically, all the thoughts I've ever had that I like enough to want to share with people.

And the Roboton podcast is available on Apple, ACAST, Spotify, all the other places where you normally get your podcasts, and on social media, it is at Roboton Podcast.

Thank you.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies is coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At 7pm at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic.

Both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickety click click.

London, we're coming.