Ep 121: Sarah Keyworth

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

You walk in tired and hungry, one bad dinner away from losing it.

You don't like to cook.

You don't want more takeout.

You just want something good.

That's why there's Dish by Blue Apron.

Pre-made meals with at least 20 grams of protein and no artificial flavors or colors from fridge to fork in five minutes or less.

Keep the flavor.

Ditch the subscription.

Get 20% off your first two orders with code APRAN20.

Terms and conditions apply.

Visit blueapron.com/slash terms for more.

There's nothing like sinking into luxury.

At washable sofas.com, you'll find the Anibay sofa, which combines ultimate comfort and design at an affordable price.

And get this.

It's the only sofa that's fully machine washable from top to bottom, starting at only $699.

The stain-resistant performance fabric slip covers and cloud-like frame duvet can go straight into your wash.

Perfect for anyone with kids, pets, or anyone who loves an easy-to-clean, spotless sofa.

With a modular design and changeable slip covers, you can customize your sofa to fit any space and style.

Whether you need a single chair, love seat, or a luxuriously large sectional, Anibay has you covered.

Visit washable sofas.com to upgrade your home.

Right now, you can shop up to 60% off store-wide with a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Shop now at washable sofas.com.

Add a little

to your life.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be hosted.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs.

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

And if you just sniff the podcast, you get the aromas of fun, of chat, and of nice good times.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

Hmm.

Smells great.

It's James Acaster there doing an impression of smelling some wine by sniffing around it like a big dog.

That's how I do it.

Yeah, I love it.

There's Ed Gamble there saying dog.

This is the Off Menu Podcast, where we chat to a special guest about food.

But more specifically, James, we've got a little format that we use, don't we?

Well, yes, we want to know their dream meal, their favourite ever starter main course, dessert, side dish, and drink.

And this week's guest is Sarah

Keyworth.

Sarah Keyworth.

Sarah Keyworth, a brilliant comedian.

You may have seen her on television or live or one of those things.

She's an exceptional stand-up comedian, James.

Yes, absolutely.

It's an honor to have her in the dream restaurant.

But if Sarah says the secret ingredient,

same rules to everyone, I'm afraid.

We will kick her out.

And the secret ingredient this week is chocolate.

Chocolate liqueurs.

Absolutely hate them, James.

Now, this is something that I selected.

Are you also on board the Yuck train with these?

I am.

I think that they sound nicer than they are, and I also think that the pocket of liqueur in the middle is always.

I don't think there's really a right amount for it, but always feels like there's too much of it.

Yeah,

I don't like how it feels in my mouth when it announces itself out of the chocolate.

I'd rather just have it a nice, lovely chocolate.

Although there are exceptions to this, so don't go trawling about catalogues and trying to catch me out.

I broadly think keep booze out of my puddings.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I think so.

I wouldn't agree with that.

I like boozy puddings, but chocolate liqueurs can jog on.

And I know really

anyone who likes them, I think it's pretty creepy.

Yeah, okay, cool.

Let's go with that.

I think the problem with chocolate liqueurs is the booze is too raw.

Yep, absolutely.

It's too raw, and whoever likes them should be on a register.

Yep, absolutely.

Top of the register.

And I'd even put reason for being on the register, likes chocolate liqueurs, and I think the cops would understand.

I think they would.

I think they'd totally understand.

All.

So, if Sarah says chocolate liqueurs, she's out of here, and we will

call the cops.

Yeah,

we're going to do what our good old friend.

I can't remember who said call the cops now.

Jack McBray.

It was Jack McBray.

Jack McBray said, call the cops.

I thought he said, call the cops.

He also said, pop us off the bread.

Pop us off the bread.

He asked if we were going to call the cops.

And as you know, we will call the cops.

I mean,

we've only

kicked out one person from the dream restaurant so far.

And we should have pointed out we did call the cops on her.

And we kept that out of the episode.

But when Jade got kicked out, we called the cops.

Well, she at least got taken down to the station.

I don't know if that was the case.

Well, she got put away.

She said to change her name to JL Adams.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

JL Adams.

She plays a harmonica in jail now.

So if Sarah Keyworth says chocolate liqueurs, we will call the cops and pop us off the bread.

But hopefully, she will not.

Fingers crossed.

We will see.

This is the off-menu menu of Sarah

Keyworth.

Benito usually says, enjoy your meal.

Change of interrupts at the beginning.

I'll just say it.

But Benito wasn't as hospitable then to Keyworth as he normally is to people.

Well, that's how this is going to start now, because Benito's created a frosty atmosphere in the restaurant.

I was trying to welcome Sarah Keyworth, and now you've made it even more unhospitable.

Well, listeners don't know that normally Benito, you know, on the Zoom, he says, okay, I'm going to go away now and let you record the podcast.

Enjoy your meal.

And the guest always has a little smile, like, oh, that was nice.

And this time he just went,

see ya, go on.

You just left me with a couple of rumbling fans.

Yes.

Yeah.

Oh, we should, we should let the listener know.

For some reason, all mine and James's laptop fans are going absolutely potty today.

Yeah.

Mine's calmed down again now, but I don't think that's the end of it.

I feel like it's a baddie in a horror film.

They're never really, really dead, are they?

They're all with them.

Of course, James,

we're used to the fans going crazy, aren't we?

Oh, good one.

Absolutely Absolutely brilliant.

Sorry, I've had a coffee about 10 minutes ago, Sarah, and I'd like to apologise in advance because apparently it's turned me into my own father.

No, I like it.

I think it's good.

Welcome, Sarah Keyworth, to the Dream Restaurant.

Welcome.

Thank you.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Was that it?

Was that

my genie sentence?

What the fuck was that?

Pathetic.

Well, Benita's not going to try.

I'm not going to try.

Oh, fuck's sake.

I have been waiting for so long to see what would happen when the genie appears and that was awful.

It was a bit like a party popper.

It wasn't very good.

You did like a real sort of limp wrist gesture with it as well, like here you are.

Yeah.

It would be so annoying, wouldn't it, if you found a lamp, rubbed the lamp and the genie came out and he was just like, all right.

Are you sticking with that?

Is that what you're going for?

Are we going to do?

I think it's good that on this episode, yeah, it's different.

This episode, I think you're so far, out of all the guests we've ever had, you're the one that has not been made to feel welcome at all.

So far,

yeah.

Hostile environment in a bit.

Sorry about that.

I did try.

I want you to remember that I tried, Sarah.

Welcome, Sarah Keeworth, to the dream restaurant.

Welcome, Sarah Keeworth, to the dream restaurant.

Yeah,

it doesn't.

It feels insincere.

You didn't even finish that sentence.

Thanks for having me.

Great to be here.

Look, you are quite correct to react to the genie in the same way as he welcomed you, but I need to try.

Look, if you know, sometimes you go for a meal and you just know the vibe's wrong

from the off.

This is like a bad first date.

Exactly.

It's like a bad first date, but I'm always the one who's going to try and pull this out of the doldrums.

I'm going to increase the energy.

I'm desperately going to try and make this a lovely first date, okay?

By sweating, by making terrible jokes about the fans.

And guys, come on, we can do this.

This could be something.

I like that sweating and terrible jokes are are your way of saving a terrible first day.

You're like, oh, if this isn't going well, I'll just start sweating a bit more.

But, Sarah, it's very nice to have you here in the Dream Rush.

It's actually really, genuinely very nice to be here.

I've been looking forward to this.

Oh, I'm looking forward to it.

I don't think I've ever seen you eat anything.

I don't.

I don't.

Oh, no.

I don't eat.

This is going to be a disaster.

I don't know how I'm still alive.

It's impressive.

Maybe you're not.

I look at food and I sort of get a sense of it and I think, yeah, that'll do.

Yeah.

Then I move on.

Watched other people.

Is all your choices choices based on things you've seen other people eat?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, it's all TV references.

It's all stuff from adverts and stuff.

It's just, it's every course is special K.

Yeah.

But the last one, Crunchy Nut.

A reverse Joe Lysip menu.

I love it.

You've never seen me eat, James.

A.

Custer.

I don't think I've ever seen you eat.

I think I even when we were at the Melbourne Comedy Festival together and we went to that, the organisers put on like a barbecue or something at a bowl in Green.

And we were all playing bowls.

And you were definitely there, but I didn't see you eat any of that food.

I did eat some food.

I was horribly hungover.

And I didn't want you to see me.

So I waited until you were bowling to take a bite.

I see.

Very clever.

So is he not that James hasn't seen you eat because you've always hidden it from him, right?

Every time James Acaster walks into a room, I stop eat you.

What is it about his general vibe that means you don't want him to see you eat?

Does he stare or?

No, he doesn't stare.

It's not staring.

I'm just I'm kind of it's like a side eye you know I know that he's thinking about what I'm doing when he's in the room with me that's true this is um I can't deny that this is uh this is making me think of the last time that we were all in a room together actually it was uh just before all of this kicked off it was at Soho theatre and I I found something out about that night recently that is actually that has been haunting me I'd just done my show I came down into the bar area you guys were sat having a drink and I walked over and said hello and you looked up like I'd like I'd sort of scared you a little bit and you went oh we're really glad it's you because a woman's just been over and been quite rude and she's like said all this stuff about like she was like oh like my friends say that you guys are famous but I don't know who you are and they like took a photo with you and stuff and I was I was there with you like fuck oh that's so rude she sounds like a she sounds like a dickhead

and then went off and joined some of my friends who had been to the show several months later there's a lockdown there's a pandemic i don't see or speak to anybody i see those friends that i was with that night and one of my friends says to my other friend oh well that girl that you brought with you was really rude to james a custard and ed gamble

and me i'm sort of really relentlessly naive was like well you know the boys were having a real night of it because they said

they said

was really rude to them and said that she didn't know who they were.

And they all looked at me like I just said that I thought the earth was flat.

I love stuff like I obviously it's rude, but I love stuff like that when it happens when I'm with James because he's way less patient than me for stuff like that.

Because it is rude when people do the whole, I don't know who you are, but my friend says you're famous.

So passive aggressive, leaning towards the aggressive.

But in that situation, I don't get annoyed if I'm with James because I can just watch James's blood boil while it happens.

And his reaction is always very funny.

If someone says, can I have a photo?

I don't know who, I don't know who you are.

James will just go, nope.

goodbye I don't know why anybody would want a photo with someone that they don't know the whole thing is a test for like I had it once a lady came up to me quite an old lady in a reception at a hotel and she looked at me and went I know you and I was like oh all right and then she went away and then she came back again and she went I've just realized you are not the wig I thought you were my window cleaner

You do look a bit like a window cleaner.

Yeah, it does look a bit but one of the like like a purview window cleaner from the a 70s film, like Confessions of a Window Cleaner.

Yeah, yeah, that kind of thing.

Like, yeah.

Like, you're not in it for the cleaner of the windows.

You're in it for looking through them.

I do not look like a Purvy window cleaner.

That's like an old boy.

I look like a whimsical window cleaner.

No, you look a bit like Robin Asquith, who was, I think his name was Robin Asquith, Confessions of a Window Cleaner.

I've been told I look like a, it could be a chimney sweep.

So absolutely.

Look, here's the front cover of Robin Asquith's autobiography.

I'm not going to deny that looks like me, I guess.

It's absolutely James Acaster, yeah.

James is now obviously being recognised more, Sarah.

Obviously, we can't go out in public that much, but when we can, he's going to be recognised for being, I think, number six or number seven in Heat's Secret Crushes list.

No way.

For one, it's number five.

So

don't be slinging around six and seven.

Piers Morgan's number six.

I'd like to know who one, two, three, and four are.

I mean, Keyword, when someone told me I was on that list, I felt well chuffed.

And then I looked at the list, and no disrespect to any of them, but it didn't make me feel, it didn't really boost the old ego when I saw the list of people.

No, I'm sure there's no self-esteem to be found there.

I thought it was going to be a bunch of punks.

It was not.

It's not the top punks.

That's better than, because they sometimes do sort of like guilty crushes and things, whereas I think secret isn't it?

That's what it is.

They've rebranded the

secret.

Yeah, yeah.

But Boris Johnson's on there, for example.

How?

Is he higher or lower than James?

Can I guess?

Oh, lower?

Lower.

Don't worry.

And James beat Piers Morgan.

No worries.

Son, James.

Thank you, Vampes.

Boris Johnson and Piers Morgan.

Yeah, pretty pleased with that.

That's great.

Absolutely.

I saw off Frank Skinner with no that was easy.

Did you?

God.

Yeah.

Skinner's been weeping about it ever since.

Right, we're in a restaurant.

We can't get onto this sort of chat if we're in a restaurant, James.

Why did you bring up the secret crush list?

Yeah, sorry.

So absurd.

I couldn't wait to tell Keyworth about it.

Still old sparkling water, Sarah Keeworth?

I'm going to.

Okay, I'm having both.

Can I have both?

Yeah.

Yeah, you can.

Absolute baller move.

Why are you having both?

Because I am a child and I will be thirsty.

And I know that I'm going to drink a lot of alcohol this evening.

So it's good to have a bit of still water.

So I'll glog that down.

But then...

I don't want to miss out on any fizz.

Fair enough.

I like both, and I want it all on the table.

I've been known to over-order drinks at a restaurant.

I'll have like a like a glass of wine, a cocktail, two different types of water.

Did you ever play the thing about you're not allowed to double park?

We used to have a rule that in the pub.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, that was a drinking game, wasn't it?

Yeah, some people call it double-fisting, which is fun.

I do, not

where I come from, Sarah.

Because that's a completely different thing.

I always need to double check with things like drinking games just in case it was just a posh person thing.

Yes.

But we definitely called it double fisting opposed to double parked because nobody owned cars where I was from.

The rule was: if you had two drinks on the table at the same time, you had to put your dick in a pheasant, right?

You have to what?

So you never want to miss out on.

Is this going to become a theme for your whole menu?

Is that you don't want to miss out on stuff and maybe we're going to get quite a lot of I worry that I'm going to overorder it.

Yeah.

Yes.

I just think the thing with water is that I'm also, as I say, a child, so we will try and down the fizzy water if it's the the only thing there, and then I'll get hiccups.

So you down the fizzy water, you get the hiccups, and then do you use the still water to try and cure your hiccups?

Well, then I have to, yeah, I have to get the genie back, and can I have a couple more stills, please?

Yeah, they just keep them coming.

But then I get worried.

I like it when, you know, you go to some restaurants and they have like water taps, like

Yo Sushi that has

like a still and a sparkling tap.

I like that.

I like it on tap, is what I'm saying.

Would you ever want to stick your head under the taps?

Absolutely.

Turn them on.

Yeah.

I'd like the fizzy one so that it would like bobble over my mouth.

Yeah.

The problem with the Yo Sushi taps, I find, is they only give you a tiny little glass.

Yeah.

And I like a pint of water.

I like a pint of water and I like to down it all in one.

That's how I get my water in.

Do you think you could bring your own pint glass to Yo Sushi?

Yeah.

Feel like it might be frowned upon when you get out the little bag with your pint glass in.

I just think everything about Yosushi is designed to make you feel like a giant, though, isn't it?

Because all those little plates.

Yeah.

The little mouthfuls.

You feel like a giant going on holiday.

Yeah, yeah, you do because it's always in an airport, innit?

Big giant.

How are they going to fit you on the plane?

No idea.

Yeah, that would be a good prank to play on someone.

Just make everything very small, including their plane when they get on the plane.

That would ruin your holiday, wouldn't it?

Yeah, straight away.

Spending the whole flight thinking about how you're going to get in your bikini.

They've made it.

Pop it up some bread.

Oh, okay.

All right, then.

I don't know why.

Poppadums are bread, keyword.

It's bread, innit?

It's always going to be bread.

I like a poppadom.

I like that they're crunchy.

I like mango chutney.

But

I want bread and I want chips.

I want a chip cob for my bread course.

That's what I want.

Right, okay.

Well, right, we'll get into that.

First observation that I've only just realised bread people are way more certain than poppadom people.

So bread people are always like, it's bread.

Of course it is.

It's got to be bread.

Whereas poppadom people are always like, I think I'm going to go for a a pop-adom.

They're a lot more sort of, they're a lot more open.

That's because they know they're wrong.

They're wrong.

They're cowards.

They're fun people.

They're trying to book the trend and it's embarrassing.

Are either of you a pop-adom people?

I'm a bread guy.

And I, of course, my attitude is, why wouldn't it be bread?

It's definitely bread.

But also, I'm self-aware enough to be like, it's kind of, that's a bit arrogant.

That's a bit arrogant to think bread is the only way.

I don't think it's arrogant at all.

I think it's arrogant that poppadoms have walked into this podcast thinking that they can go toe-to-toe with bread, honestly.

Well, look, I'll be honest, Sarah, this has always got on my nerves.

If we'd had a meeting before we recorded the first episode of this and James had suggested Popadoms or Bread as a question, I would have said, that's not a question.

That's not something you're offered at any restaurant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're not comparatives.

But as with everything in this podcast, James just shouted it the first episode and it became a feature because we couldn't change it.

Well, I mean,

we did have a meeting pre-podcast.

I mean, we didn't, fair enough, Poppadom's or bread didn't come up.

We didn't actually talk about that.

But

mainly, our meeting was taken up with me saying I'm going to be a genie and Ben and Ed trying to talk me out of it.

Well, I mean, it sounds like you weren't in a position to make decent creative decisions during that meeting anyway, so Poppadoms and Bread would have probably been completely signed off.

Yeah, maybe that would have.

I mean, if you'd taken that meeting seriously, you would have kept Poppadoms and Bread, you would have gotten rid of the genie, and I

wouldn't be here today.

Yeah, you might not be with me.

Because the genie is my dad.

Oh, that's a great twist.

That is an excellent twist.

That's why you don't eat.

That's why I don't eat.

You don't need to.

Don't need to?

Because

you're a little baby genie.

I'm a tiny little genie.

Yeah.

And he won't teach me how to clean windows.

He only gave me the chimneys.

He doesn't want you seeing that sort of stuff.

We'll cover more ground that way.

My father is cruel.

I think the pop normal bread question is open to interpretation.

If people want to say prawn crackers, if people want to say tortilla chips, just anything that you would get at that point in the meal before the course starts, you know?

Look, we've gone around the houses enough now, Sarah.

You want a chip cob.

I want a chip cob.

Yeah.

I'm bending the rules completely.

What I really like about this is you've said you're going to overorder and you've not broken your promise.

You've started.

Traditionally, people say, I don't want to eat bread before a meal because I don't want to fill myself up.

What you've done is you've got bread and you've put some more cobs in it.

I've assumed that I am completely bottomless during this meal.

Sure.

I assume I'm not going to get full at any point.

Maybe at the end.

Right at the end, it sneaks in and it's like a good full.

Yeah.

I can do that for you.

Yeah.

No problem.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah.

What's a cob?

I wondered if that would come up.

I wondered if you would start this silly conversation, Genie.

A cob is a bread roll.

So what's corn on the cob?

Corn of the cob is a...

I mean, to be honest, a cob of corn, it's a roll, isn't it?

It's rolled corn.

It's rolled corn.

You are going to have to specify that you want the bread roll version because otherwise genies are open to interpretation.

He might bring you the middle of a corn on the the cob with chips on it coupling chips and you rotate it and eat the chips off of it

i'd eat that i'd i'd probably yeah i'd give it a go

i don't want to upset you but i'm not a fan of a chip butty call it what i called it chip cob i don't want a chip cob i don't like double double carbing it within the same dish i think it it's a waste of stomach space i think everything tastes too bland I'm not a fan.

Can you, I mean, people are going to be going mad about this.

This is like when I said I don't like Yorkshire puddings.

my finger is hovering over the leave button of this Zoom meeting by the way

I'll do it.

I don't blame you Keweenaw James do you like it?

Yeah, I like chip butties.

Yeah chip tops sorry loads of butter yeah ketchup yeah and ideally I because I have good memories of this when I kid I'd go swimming and I'd do the swimming I'd agree to it knowing full well that I'd get a chip cop afterwards.

So you what you want to be that level of slightly like nicely tired after a good swim.

Yeah, and then they chuck it in the pool and you've got to dive and get it.

Yeah, yeah.

Like a rubber brick.

Yeah, it is like a rubber brick.

That's half my problem with it.

Yeah, yeah.

Is it from a chip shop, Keyworth?

No, it's from a swimming pool at Walthamsted.

No, Walthamsted, Edwinstow.

Forgotten where you grew up?

Forgot where I grew up.

I don't mind a butty cob situation, but here's something I used to have when I was at university.

See if you you like the sound of this.

This was introduced to me

by my friend who

grew up in Preston.

I already don't like the sound of this.

Right.

Well,

it was at a lower point of my life in terms of eating.

And I probably used to have one of these a day, a pie butty.

What?

Tell me what that is.

Talk me like that.

Probably a mince pie, like a beef mince pie.

It would have like mince and gravy and onion in it.

No, like a proper pastry pie.

Yes.

And then get some bread and heavily butter the bread.

Glad that you're clarifying that it is encased in pastry, so you've got

a bread layer, you'd say.

Yeah.

And then get some just cheap white bread, slather that in butter, pop the pie in the middle.

Right.

Put some brown sauce and some red sauce on top of the pie.

get the other slice of bread and then just a light push just to slightly squash the pie

and then eat the pie butty.

We need to talk about the fact that you just said that you don't like double carbing

and you think if it's a waste of stomach space, you have a dirty past, Ed Camp.

What I would say to that is that I think with the pie butty, there's more variety of flavour.

It's not just straight white carbs all the way through.

Because there's an entire meal on the inside of your bread.

Yes.

And also, when I say stomach space, I had a lot more stomach space then.

So that wasn't, I wasn't filling up on the pie butty.

At what stage of the day, do you have it?

Oh, well, I'd normally probably, I'd sleep through both my morning lectures.

So I'd probably wake up at around 11 a.m.

And then I'd get up.

I'd probably have three cigarettes and then I'd stroll to the baker's.

So I was probably having that at around noon.

So it was more of a brunch.

You were buying a pre-made pie at the baker's?

Buying a pre-made pie at the baker's and then going back and using probably someone else's bread in the kitchen.

You're a real piece of shit, Gamble.

Remember when Ed, like, he lost a lot of weight when, like, he used to be a bigger gentleman, he used to be a bigger gentleman, and he lost all that weight, and everyone was like so amazed by it.

And he even had a stand-up routine where he said, Everyone's asking me how I lost the weight, and you know, it just is

boring answer, really.

You just

eat less exercise more.

And no, it's not a boring answer.

You go, oh, yeah, I'll tell you my secret.

I stopped eating pie butties

every single day.

I miss pie butties.

I honestly, I feel like someone who used to be in a gang, like a violent gang.

I'm glad I'm out of it, but God, I miss those days.

That's why you've got that pie butty face tattoo as well.

Exactly.

Oh, do you want your swim to be in a mixture of still and sparkling water?

Yeah, I do, actually.

I've never done it before, but I think that that would elevate the experience in some sense.

If you mix still and sparkling water, does it continue to sparkle?

It must be a light sparkle.

A light sparkle.

I don't know whether I'd prefer to swim in purely sparkling water.

There is something so evocative, isn't there, about things you used to eat after you went swimming as a child.

It's like the smell of the chlorine and you're like properly exhausted.

I think it was because you'd swallowed so much chlorine as a child that you actually, your body was desperate for something to soak up those chemicals.

It was the only time I ever got stuff from a vending machine.

I was always denied vending machine food, but I was allowed vending machine stuff after a swim and get space raiders and stuff like that from the vending machine at the end of the day.

And some smoky bacon crisps after a swim from a vending machine.

Also, my dad, I remembered this recently because it's such a bizarre thing that happened.

My dad used to take me to play golf,

which just...

just doesn't make any sense to me apart from the fact that he was actually trying to make me a lesbian.

And we'd play golf, and then he'd buy me a bucket of round trees fruit pastels afterwards.

Nice.

And I'll tell you what, I was in it for the pastels, not the golf.

Yeah.

I'll be honest, initially, I thought you said bucket.

A bucket.

He'd empty out the golf balls.

Yeah.

And he'd fill it with fruit pastels.

Where did you say you were from?

Edwinstow.

I'm from Nottingham, but this, so I grew up in an area called Sherwood, but we would drive to a place called Edwinstow.

And on the way, my mum would tell a story about a man called Edwin who had a very big toe.

Sarah, I don't know if you did this deliberately, but that the idea of your mum telling the story about Edwin's toe, you've exactly nailed James A.

Caster's humour.

Really makes me laugh.

That kind of stuff.

No, I didn't,

I didn't nail it, to be honest.

It was my mum.

It was always, always my mum.

And it was only, I'd say,

two years ago.

I'm 27 now, and it was only about age 25, that it occurred to me that the reason she told a story about Edwin's toe every time is because we were going to Edwin's toe.

I just thought she fucking loves this story when we go somewhere.

Time for a sofa upgrade?

Visit washable sofas.com and discover Anibay, where designer style meets budget-friendly prices, with sofas starting at $699.

Anibay brings you the ultimate in furniture innovation with a modular design that allows you to rearrange your space effortlessly.

Perfect for both small and large spaces, Anibay is the only machine-washable sofa inside and out.

Say goodbye to stains and messes with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics that make cleaning easy.

Liquid simply slides right off.

Designed for custom comfort, our high-resilience foam lets you choose between a sink-in feel or a supportive memory foam blend.

Plus, our pet-friendly stain-resistant fabrics ensure your sofa stays beautiful for years.

Don't compromise quality for price.

Visit washable sofas.com to upgrade your living space today with no risk returns and a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Get up to 60% off plus free shipping and free returns.

Shop now at washable sofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

Suffs!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be hosted.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs.

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Dad, you take a buana noticeable.

If we have a Verizon, we're dancing four lines for the prescience of 3.

Escos y la cartel para agratis, okay?

Una paramí, otra para tú mama, una para tí, cuarta para para mino vio?

Excuse me?

Dad, Mira, quiero estar en contacto con el todo altiempo.

Astan las

But

important.

When you are with Verizon, you telephono también lose and imagine.

Puede sance madas textiar así yo esto content.

Yo también.

When pieces of vacations, y los ahoros with MyPlan de Verizon.

When I have today, I will go to a cup of lineage so that two quieters por the trees for $3 por lines at the moment in the welcome and European cargoes.

Addemos uses your telephone en el extranjero contrabo pass in a y que ligas 3 días almes por 2 a la regardloo en MyPlan.

Visita tutianda Verizon in

5G for GLD, podium

landscape

grantee una conquest of national conflicts velocidad 2G to have a lineage in my plan for the travel pass.

Well, we get to your starter then.

So, you've already kind of had what most people might even call a starter

after a swim.

I want to hear the starter that is going to follow up your chip cob.

Okay.

Yes.

So I am a vegetarian, but before I was a vegetarian, one of my favourite dishes, and I remember it, like, because when I was a kid, we didn't get takeaways very often.

We'd get takeaways for like a birthday or whatever.

And when we got Chinese takeaway, my favourite thing would be duck pancakes with hoisin sauce and little strips of cucumber.

Given that this is my fantasy situation, I'm having that.

I don't mind if it's mock duck, but but I want it to be as close to the real thing as possible, please.

Here's a good compromise.

We can make it real duck, but the duck we've got it from can come out and sort of say hello and just let you know that it's still alive and it's fine.

I thought you were going to say we can make it real duck, but the duck we've got it from was a cunt.

Either or.

Yeah.

If you want

crispy cunt duck, you can have that as well.

Crispy cunt duck sounds like something completely different, but I don't think we should get into.

every time you make one of those jokes, go picture your dad on the golf course going, you're doing me proud.

Just dropping another pole in a bucket.

Yep.

Weird treat training for me.

Keep them coming.

Keep up.

Do you want to meet the duck while you're eating it?

And the duck can be like, hey, look, I was happy to give up some of my body's regrown.

I'm still alive.

We're all right.

Would the duck stay whilst I ate it?

No, it would have looked like James Acaster.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because this will get crowded in this restaurant

with Acaster's eyes on me.

Yeah, no, let's do that then.

Let's treat myself.

I've not done anything bad to this duck.

The duck's happy.

I'm imagining that the duck comes in, says this to me, walks back into the kitchen, and then is brutally murdered.

And I'm just happily thinking that the duck's fine.

Yeah, I'll agree to that.

That's fine.

Now, talking of the ratios, what you're doing, because whenever we used to get Krispy Duck pancakes at home, I'd always fuck it early doors and end up putting too much hoistin sauce on the first one, putting all the veg in, and then there was none left over for the next pancakes.

Ed's ratios were always like, Ed would have a little bit of hoisin sauce, and then half a lasagna, and then like a beef burger, and he'd roll it all up.

Oh, no, it's just

too much in here again.

Two slices of white bread.

Yeah.

Oh, so traditional, traditional Chinese food.

I have thought about this because I feel as though, I don't know if they do it on purpose, I don't know whether

they expect you to just use less of everything in your first couple of pancakes.

But it does feel like they don't give you enough for the amount of pancakes they give you.

So basically

what I'd like to happen is have a sort of all-you-can-eat situation and then I'll tell you when I'm done.

Perfect.

We can definitely do that for you, for sure.

I don't think I'm not sounding like old school gamble in this moment.

As long as you don't put a pie in the pancake, we're absolutely fine.

Not tempted after hearing Ed's stories.

The butter mixes with the gravy, it's lovely.

But you could.

There's a compromise where you could just put a little bit of butter on your pie, couldn't you?

Oh, no, come on.

That's too far.

I'm not going to butter my pie.

I'll butter the bread, and if some of the butter should mix with the pie, then so be it.

You're essentially buttering your pie.

You've buttered your pie, young man.

Hoisin duck pancakes, a wonderful choice to kick off any meal.

But the thing is, okay, so this is that I'm sort of, I have actually, I've had some other thoughts about the starter situation because I really like tapas and I don't know whether I can normally, because that's it's a bit of a small plate, isn't it?

The duck pancakes.

Here's what I think you'd have to do if you want to add extra things to the tapas.

You'd have to make them mini pancakes, like canopies size pancakes.

I'm not interested.

You're not interested.

Right.

But now

you've but you've played a good game here because now I want to hear what else is on the tapas list.

Well, basically, there's a tapas place in Nottingham.

It's called Bar Aberico.

And they do triple cooked patatas bravas.

So chips.

Chips.

Yeah.

Oh, you got me.

You saw through it.

You saw through it.

I would like them in a cob.

Yeah, yeah.

In El Cobo.

Oh, that's crazy.

I want a chip cob on the side of every dish.

I mean, patatas bravas, it's look, it's good stuff, but I feel like if you've had the chip cob, surely just let some of the chips fall out of the cob and save them.

No, no, no, I won't.

No, I'm not sacrificing chips for my chip cob for a later date.

I thought this was a dream restaurant.

I thought this was my fantasy.

I didn't realize that we had to ration things now.

You said I can have all you can eat, real hoisin duck pancakes, but I've got to save some of my chips from my breadcourse.

Yeah, I did hear the sentence I just said, by the way.

If you're eating your Hoisin duck pancakes and you've got Patatas Bravas on the side, are you going back and forth?

Are you doing them, all the pancakes and then eat in the Bravas?

What are you doing?

I mean, I'm not going to lie to you, I've never had these two things actually at the same time.

So I've got no idea what the flavour palette would be.

But knowing me, I'd go back and forth.

Would you be tempted to dip a potato bravas in the hoisin?

Not just tempted.

I would absolutely do do it.

Great.

I don't even think there'd be time for temptation.

I think I'd do it without thinking.

Would you wrap them all up in a pancake, put a load of potato bravas in a pancako?

Yeah, that does sound good actually.

So just to double check, so far we've got two chipcocks.

Two chip cobbs.

Yeah.

Two chip cobs and I just want to have a little quick chat with a doc in between.

Conversation with a document

just to make sure everything's fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is there anything else from the Tapas Place that that you want on this Tapas platter?

They also do

a chili and ginger glazed cauliflower that is like crispy.

So I'd have a bit of that if you offer them.

It's like a sort of popcorn cauliflower, but it's sweet and salty and glazed and it's just fucking great.

Huge shout out to the Bang Bang cauliflower at Wagamama, which is, I think, one of the best chain restaurant side dishes out there.

I nearly mentioned it just now to to try and sort of give you a sense of what it's like but i think it's a it's an elevated version of the bang bang cauliflower but i am a fan of a bang bang cauliflower and have been known to order too you've double-fisted bang bang i've double-fisted

yeah

one more pastel in the bucket yeah

literally as soon as you as soon as ed said you've double-fisted bang bang all i saw was

a man teeing off.

Teeing off at that.

He's got a sharing bag of pastels and he's pouring them in the bucket.

There's got to be more than one for double-fisted bang bang.

Well, we come to your main course, Keebuff.

There is a lot of there's a lot of carb going on.

I've just, it has occurred to me.

But I'd like a carb.

And do you know what?

I'm not ashamed.

I think.

Lean into it.

I think there are other people in this conversation that also like carbs.

And I'm not going to name names.

I'm going to point fingers.

Pie Blunty Boy is who I'm thinking of.

My main course is

a stolen mac and cheese.

We need to know more.

Why does it need to be stolen, Sarah?

And who are you stealing it from?

This is a stolen mac and cheese because I like mac and cheese.

I've always been a fan of it.

But

a long time ago, I dated an American girl who talked at length about a mac and cheese that her mum made, and then one day, I don't know if she was having a particularly good time or a particularly bad time, but for some reason, I thought, I'm going to do something nice for her.

And I don't know why I explained that, like, I couldn't just do something nice for my girlfriend.

Yeah, without it's really, it's really good to know that, yeah,

if she was having a completely normal day, you wouldn't have wanted to do something nice for her.

She had to be at one extreme.

Yeah, no, it has to be, has to be something that made me think, you know what, we're not having fruit pastels tonight, we're going to have something else.

else.

And so I sent a message to her mum and asked for the mac and cheese recipe, which she sent over to me in American language.

Cups are plenty.

Made the mac and cheese and it was what she'd made it out to be.

But then we broke up and I've continued

in the six or seven years since I was with this girl, I've continued to make her mum's mac and cheese.

So it's stolen.

When you say it's stolen, I don't necessarily agree that it's stolen.

You asked someone for a recipe and they gave it to you.

Do you think using any recipe that's not entirely your own creation is stealing?

It's all plagiarism.

It's nicking.

Also, I think it depends who you're asking.

So, like you, Ed, when you said stolen mac and cheese, I thought you'd once, you know, someone had left some mac and cheese cooling on a windowsill and you'd run along and snatch it right away.

Yeah, that's exactly what I was saying.

We live in a world where if a mac and cheese were left on a windowsill, the first person that would get to it would be James Agastus.

Yeah, to be be fair, I'm already at the window.

You know, the windows of London, like the back of your hand.

However, I do get what Keow means because I think it depends who you ask in this situation.

I think if you ask your ex-girlfriend, she would say, You stole that, like, stop doing that recipe.

That's my mum's recipe, and we broke up.

And that's not your recipe to make, and stop doing it.

I feel like I've stolen a sort of family traditional dish

from

an unsuspecting romantic ex-lover.

But it depends where the mum got the recipe from, right?

Because if it was the mum's creation entirely, then yes, that's stealing.

But surely the mum got that recipe from a book or got it from another, a different, maybe she got it from an ex-boyfriend's family.

I think she got it from BBC Good Food.

No, I don't know where she got it from.

I didn't ask.

I didn't go, where did you get this from?

I just trusted that it was sentimental and special and made it accordingly.

You want the mac and cheese cooked by yourself for your dream main course?

Well, yeah, I mean, I could talk someone through it, I suppose, but yeah, you know, no, I want my mac and cheese, my nicked mac and cheese.

And you know what's worse is that I've been, I haven't been telling people that, I've been passing it off as my own ever since.

Yeah, you've got it, you've absolutely got it.

Yeah, what's special about it?

What, how many, how many different cheeses are in it?

And talk me through them.

It has three different cheeses in it.

So you go with a classic cheddar, a red cheese, like a red Leicester, and then a smoked.

Nice.

The key thing here is to just use shitloads.

I'm not kidding when I say it's an American recipe.

Just chop it all up.

And it's you cube the cheese.

You don't even grate it.

There's no time.

Right.

You'd be there for hours if you're trying to grate it.

You cube it up and loads of butter in your roux.

Cook it like you want to die, is what I say.

And then, yeah, plenty of red cheese so that you get it, it kind of is an orangey colour and it's just thick.

And then bread crumbs on top.

Of course.

Let's get involved again.

Yeah.

And And then chips.

You layer it with chips.

And then you get rid of the macaroni and the cheese.

So is it like, is it quite saucy?

Is there like a lot of sauce in it?

Lots of saucy.

You know that macaroni cheese sound?

Oh yeah, the squelch.

It's grim, innit?

And then also

crispy onions on top.

Wow.

What, those pre-done crispy onions?

Yeah, ideally.

I mean, I've never been able to purchase them.

So I just...

Oh, you can get them.

You can get them.

I've got a big big bag of them in the cupboard.

They are delicious.

I mean, I can eat handfuls of them.

Yeah.

So you sort of mix your breadcrumbs with your crispy onions and do a layer on top.

Bake.

That's a good tip.

That's a really good tip for Krispy Onions.

There's actually a moral victory here because I added the Krispy Onions.

Oh, then it's yours.

It's mine.

Yeah.

I've adapted it.

Then it's yours, and I'm going to steal that from you, and it's going to taste all the sweeter.

Take it from me.

Have it.

And do you know what?

Do you know what inspired the Krispy Onions on the mac and cheese?

There's a food van at the Otterbelly bit of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival called Mac Shack, and they do Krispy Onions on their mac and cheese.

And I had it, and I don't know whether or not it was the best thing I'd ever eaten or whether or not I was so depressed on that particular day of the Edinburgh Fridge.

I feel like there's food in it, food during the Edinburgh Fringe tastes so fucking good

because it's just one of the few sources of joy.

Yeah.

I think also everyone has like a place that they absolutely, every comic has a place in Edinburgh that they love eating at so much and sometimes it is one that like the Krep fans in Edinburgh are going nuts for every year.

Me, Domet and Nish will go and get a late night crep and get really excited about it and go home eating our Kreps.

Also, I think during the fringe you can feel so physically exhausted at times that sitting down for a meal, like

post-show going for a meal.

always just felt so good.

Is there any like particular meals you remember having at the Edinburgh fringe that have felt like that?

I'm a big fan of mums in Edinburgh.

Yeah.

The sausage and mash place.

God,

that makes me feel old.

I remember it being Monster Mash, of course.

It used to be called Monster Mash back in the day.

And then it did the same thing.

Same thing, sort of maybe less wide-ranging menu.

I thought you were going to say, I remember when she didn't have children.

I remember when it was just young girl with dreams.

That's what it was called.

Briefly, it was called Woman Who is Pregnant.

And just before that, it was called Woman Who Feels a Bit Sick, which is not sure why.

Yeah, no,

I like mums, previously known as Monster Mash, because it's such comfort food.

And it even says it on it, doesn't it?

Comfort food.

And usually it's raining in Edinburgh.

And I like sitting in that little tiny restaurant on a tiny table.

and eating sausage and bash and they give you as much gravy as you want.

Sorry, can you hear shouting, by the way?

No,

no, we're good.

Yeah, there is a poppy in my house, and uh, I think, I think she's just woken up, so I'm hearing.

I thought your ex's mum had just come over.

Where the fuck is my mac and cheese?

Crashbury,

are y'all joking?

Come down here!

Oh, why, I oughta!

Why, I ought to

have the best years of my daughter's life.

Come down here right now.

And it's true, my girlfriend's mum was Audrey from Little shop of horror

there's a good japanese restaurant just down the road from mum's i think it's called koyama uh as well where i go a lot during the fringe i like the italian restaurant it's quite popular i can't remember what it's like vittoria or something

the pirates the pirate room no that's chiao roma and i have actually To talk about Chiao Roma, I am

very popular in Chiao Roma, actually.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'm good friends with the owner of Chiao Roma.

His name's Franco.

Because I did a show in Chalroma

probably about, I don't know, three or four years ago now.

And I think basically what happened was I was one of the only performers who talked to the staff of Charoma and would go in and just engage with them and ask them how their days were going and things like that.

And also, I would fly my own show for two hours before it.

And I think he respected the work ethic ethic there.

And so we sort of became good friends.

And now I go back every year and he treats me like the

sort of like Mafiosa's son, like I'm returning home.

I've been there and on occasion walked in, and people, I met a friend there once, and there was a big queue outside.

And she met me outside and she said, There's no tables.

They've said, no, there's no, there's nothing available.

And I,

in a sort of incredibly incredibly arrogant move, went,

leave it with me.

And we were at table within three minutes, I would say.

Amazing.

They'd bring you like a new table out looking good fellas.

Yeah, yeah.

No, but I did, it got to a point where I had a table, and the table was far too big for the amount of people that I would come with.

He'd give me like an eight-person table, and there'd be like four of us.

I think this doesn't make any sense.

But maybe he was hoping I'd invite him to join us or something.

But you didn't.

But I didn't.

I never did.

No.

You walk in tired and hungry.

One bad dinner away from losing it.

You don't like to cook.

You don't want more takeout.

You just want something good.

That's why there's Dish by Blue Apron.

Pre-made meals with at least 20 grams of protein and no artificial flavors or colors from fridge to fork in five minutes or less.

Keep the flavor.

Ditch the subscription.

Get 20% off your first two orders with code APRIN20.

Terms and conditions apply.

Visit blueapron.com terms for more.

Life's messy.

We're talking spills, stains, pets, and kids.

But with Anibay, you never have to stress about messes again.

At washablesofas.com, discover Anibay sofas, the only fully machine-washable sofas inside and out, starting at just $699.

Made with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics.

That means fewer stains and more peace of mind.

Designed for real life, our sofas feature changeable fabric covers, allowing you to refresh your style anytime.

Need flexibility?

Our modular design lets you rearrange your sofa effortlessly.

Perfect for cozy apartments or spacious homes.

Plus, they're earth-friendly and built to last.

That's why over 200,000 happy customers have made the switch.

Upgrade your space today.

Visit washable sofas.com now and bring home a sofa made for life.

That's washable sofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and certain restrictions may apply.

I would love to know your side dish.

So I feel at the moment there's a lot of carb.

I mean, yeah, more so than we've ever had before.

Really?

I would say.

Yeah, I think so.

I mean, it's impossible to have more.

For example, so maybe we've had someone with the same amount.

A chip butty, some pancakes with some patatas bravas on the side, and

macaroni cheese.

The most indulgent macaroni cheese I've ever heard.

Okay, so yeah.

And you did a quick, quick shout-out to mashed potato.

So that's close.

Didn't I?

Yeah.

I don't regret anything I've said, by the way.

I stand by it.

So is it going to upset you if I have a chip cup on the side of this bag?

None of this is

upsetting at all.

You have whatever you like.

My side dish is some broccoli tenderstem from a restaurant called Flesh and Bum.

And it's it's sort of smoky and barbecued with orange zest on top and it's the best broccoli i've ever had in my life i've been known to order two of them actually i've double up on the brock you've got to the broccoli thing i think it's really grown up when people finally realize that broccoli is actually delicious yeah and there's ways of doing broccoli that are so nice why do they hold back tender stem from us as children though

good question why you can have you can have tender stem when when you're older, but you've got to figure it out on your own.

You've got to earn it.

You're right.

It's like it's a proper passage of aging, isn't it?

Like you've got to negotiate that.

You've got to find tender stem for yourself.

It's all the more satisfying.

It's a secret that they keep from us, and it fucks me off.

It's like sex, but they have that conversation with us when we get to a point.

Yeah.

Nobody sits down.

I'm glad that's held back.

Yeah.

I wouldn't have been ready for that.

But people sit you down and they tell you about it.

They explain that to you, but

nobody's there.

Today's the day for the tender stem broccoli chat right okay i see what you mean right okay i say i see what you mean i thought you were saying they should let children have sex no yeah i thought you were saying they're holding that

they're holding tender stem broccoli back from us just like they do with sex and i was like what the kewaff what are you talking about with the tenderstem broccoli i went on saturday kitchen recently the bbc one flagship cooking show on a Saturday morning and Matt Tebbit the host did tender stem broccoli and charred it and I'd never known properly how to do this and I think I've done it about three times a week since.

All it is is just a super hot griddle pan, put the broccoli in and then put a heavy pan on top of it for like three minutes, flip it for another two minutes, put the pan back on and then you've got like charred perfectly cooked broccoli.

It's amazing.

As in like weighting it down.

Yeah, weighting it like pushing it right down so you're properly charring it.

Oh, interesting.

Kewif, do you think that Ed has stolen that recipe from that man?

Of course.

Yeah.

Yes.

And he's confessing on this podcast.

Yeah.

You know, you could put crispy onions on it as well.

I think, do you know what?

I feel like they do something like that in this broccoli that I'm talking about.

It's been so long.

This is also the thing when I was sort of trying to think about what I was going to say.

I was thinking, what restaurants have I been to?

What food have I had that's been absolutely amazing?

And it's been so long since I've done that that I've had to resort to seven chip cobs and a mac and cheese.

Let's see, this will be impressive.

Let's see if you can get carbs into your drink.

Is wine a carb?

No.

Could it be?

No,

wine is not a carb.

It doesn't matter because I'm having red wine, so chips.

My drink is a bottle of red wine that, for some reason, probably about eight years ago, my entire extended family got completely obsessed with, probably because it was sort of reasonably affordable and tasty.

And so now there's probably better wine out there, but there's a sort of weird loyalty to that.

It's almost like we own the vineyard or something,

but we don't.

So there's no financial benefit to it.

So

it's a classic wine.

It's relatively basic.

I'm building it up.

And it is it's it's a Campo Viaco.

Campo Viaco.

That's what I'm having.

It's a huge name.

It's a great name.

It's well known and there's a there's a reason for it.

They do a good job.

They do what they do and they do it well.

I think I'm familiar with it.

You'd recognise the label.

You'd recognise the label.

You'd absolutely know.

Yeah.

The original flavour is a yellow label.

Well, yes, I know.

I know.

They've strayed outside the original flavour, have they?

What what else have they

added?

Well, they have like a they have a grand reserver and you know, they do cookies and cream.

Yeah,

cookies and cream.

They're doing the

crisps are doing at the moment, they're doing a KFC flavor.

Take us through.

Do you have tasting notes for the Campo Viejo?

You've had it so much.

Can you, because I don't, I love wine, but what I've started doing recently is, and James will hate me for this, is I use the Vivino app and I taste the wine and I try and work out what I can taste in it and I write it down.

Then I check the tasting notes on the Vivino app to see if I got any of them right.

I do don't hate that at all.

I actually like that quite a lot.

That makes that makes me you know think I actually pretty cool.

It's great.

Sarah, I could tell that I completely agree with you on this and that we'd get on well having a lovely old drink.

When you said I'd like a bottle of red wine, please, there was no, I'll have a wine.

You're straight in with the hot.

Are you a whole bottle person?

Yes, no, I am.

And I actually, I feel slightly slightly exposed now because

I wasn't even asking for a bottle of Cambo Vieco thinking that that would be my only bottle.

I sort of expected that to be a sort of keep them coming situation.

We'll keep the bottles coming for sure.

Magnums, we'll bring you magnums.

I love going out for dinner and drinking shitloads of wine.

I just think it's a very enjoyable experience.

So do you want me to start bringing these wines out immediately?

Yeah.

With the chip cob and stuff?

No, yeah, no, I want it from the start.

I don't want to wait.

I want to be handed a bottle on entry.

Was that worthy of a pastel?

Anything with the term on entry has to be, surely.

I feel like I'm going to think about that now.

Every time I say something vaguely euphemistic, I'm going to think, that would be a pastel, wouldn't it?

You're going to think of your dad dropping a fruit pastel into a golf ball bucket.

Yeah,

it would ruin my sex life for the rest of my Yeah, it really is.

Sarah, were you okay?

Just you seemed a bit distant.

I was thinking about my dad dropping a fruit pastel into a golf ball bucket,

and then one day I'll see my dad actually dropping a fruit pastel into a bucket and I'll feel weird about it.

Yeah,

does the Campo Viejo go with your dessert, Sarah?

Keyword.

Okay, so I'm not much of a sweet-toothed person, to be honest.

Here we go.

What about all the fruit pastels?

What about the buckets of fruit pastels you've been guzzling you entirely?

I was a child, James.

I was a child and I was being trained into being a lesbian.

The moment I became a lesbian, I lost my sweet tooth.

That's how it works.

It's not how it works.

We love to hear it here on the off-menu podcast when someone says they don't really have a sweet tooth because they're not a child anymore.

That's correct.

We don't love to hear it.

I knew this would get get you riled up, so I don't want to dessert.

Are you fucking kidding me?

He was so lulled.

You've lulled him into the perfect sense of

false sense of security.

I can see that James is actually, James has sat up on his seat.

He's actually, it's actually, it's not like a normal sit-up, it's almost close to a fetal position.

Yeah, he's proper goleming it.

Yeah.

I don't want to dessert, thanks.

I'd have a mouth full of someone else's.

What the fuck are you on about?

That's great.

That's the first time we've had a mouthful of someone else's dessert.

Does it matter what it is?

No, not really.

I'll have a mouthful of someone else's.

I'm genuinely upset.

I'm upset.

I'm not even angry with you.

I agree with you.

I'm the worst kind of person because

I'm sad with someone.

They order a dessert.

They're excited to have it.

And then suddenly my eyes get a bit beady.

Yeah.

And

I didn't want a full dessert.

I've had it before where people have gone, oh, why don't we get two and we'll share them?

Leave me alone.

I've just had five chip cobs, you know?

Yeah, you are full.

To be fair to you, you are full.

Are you asking, are you going to ask, do you ask the waiter for another spoon when you have a mouthful?

Or is it like more of an instinctive thing?

No, I just go, I go in with two fingers.

That's a grab bag of pastas there.

Yeah, there you go.

So that's what I like about this is it doesn't matter what it is.

It just has to be someone else's and you only want a mouthful of it.

Yeah, and that's the thing about dessert more than any other dish that you have during a meal is that if somebody has a dessert and you don't, they will always feel obliged to say, do you want to try it?

Well, you've never had dinner with James Acaster.

We know that.

Not on my watch.

We know.

I'm not offering you any of mine.

Forget about it.

I'm going to trap you into a meal one day, James.

If I've got a lovely dessert.

I don't know how I'm going to do it.

I'll probably be trapped into a meal.

There's absolutely no way you're getting anywhere near my dessert.

I'm going to do it.

James, how are you feeling, mate?

Bad.

This feels bad.

I haven't had anyone completely pass on it before.

I've had awful people say cheese and biscuits or pizza hut buffet or more poutine.

I've never had someone go.

Sorry, wait, that was a dessert.

More.

Because I would have.

More poutine.

Yeah.

Yes.

I would have had that.

That's potatoes, isn't it?

No, I don't want to put that in your head.

I do not want to put that in your head.

But yeah, you would absolutely love that.

I'd be all over that.

I'd have a second round of patatos bravas, to be honest.

What I really like about this dessert as well, if we look back at your main course,

which was you stolen mac and cheese and you said it was stolen because someone else gave you a recipe, and this is you're literally taking it off someone else's plate and you've not called it stolen.

No, I don't think this is stolen.

They offered.

This doesn't feel good.

I don't understand.

I don't understand how you would rather have nothing than dessert.

Like, you wouldn't just want some.

There's not, like, a dessert that is, like, your favourite dessert you've ever had.

There's not one.

I'll tell you what I would have, James.

If everyone else is having a dessert and they're looking at me like, oh,

it's uncomfortable that you're not having anything, what are you going to do?

I would have an espresso martini.

It's better than nothing.

Yeah.

No,

that's not your answer.

Your answer is...

A mouthful of someone else's dessert.

No, it's not.

I stand by what I said.

I'm just saying.

Yeah.

If I was pushed, I'd have an espresso martini.

Feels like a bit of a dessert because it comes in one of those nice little dessert glasses, otherwise known as martini glasses.

You would have a cocktail, but you wouldn't.

There's no ice creams, cakes, gatos.

James.

There's nothing.

You're not going to break me, James.

You're not going to break me.

But think about what Sarah's done is, yes, there are ice creams.

There are gatos, there are trifles, there's all of that available if someone else orders it and she can have a mouthful of it.

It feels like a waste to get a whole thing because I won't eat it all.

There we go.

I think it's a great answer.

Well done, you.

Not a great answer.

You don't think it's a great answer?

I do think it's a great answer.

Well done you.

Thank you.

I'm proud of myself.

Let's read the order back, please.

The thing is, is that I it's weird.

I really

it's weird because at the minute I'm in a little bit of a like I didn't get much sleep last night because I ate too much chocolate brownie bites before I went to bed and my heart was going like a jackrabbit and I couldn't I couldn't fall asleep.

And so it's a bit difficult to now defend, to you know, really try and put my case forward against Keyworth on this because because like not only do I not have the energy because I was up all night but also

I don't want something raising my heart rate which is why I'll stick with my espresso martini thank you yeah yeah yeah you're fine with that well I mean it is heartbreaking

how does someone there's not I don't I don't understand it

I like that we're ending this because we started it with you saying I've never seen you eat yes and I like that actually we've ended it with you not ever wanting to see me eat no

I didn't know how good I had it yeah I'm going to get some tear tattoos and they're all made of like double fat cream.

Melted ice cream.

Melted ice cream tears.

Tears with chunks in.

I mean

I want to move on and read the menu but I also want to like lay into this more but I don't think I have anything.

I'm genuinely bereft here.

Have I left you speechless?

Yes.

I don't understand.

Well, what you have to understand is, as well, the thing is, if I'm having a meal with my dad, which I often am, you know he's got a fruit pastel.

I would hope so.

So, what am I going to do?

Have a dessert, then have a pastel?

You've earned a lot of fruit pastels this episode.

It's like reading, this is like reading a book.

Well, I know I hate the ending.

It's really, it's really difficult.

Really difficult.

Difficult.

Like reading the boy in the striped pajamas.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like reading the boy in the stripe pajamas.

I think that is so harsh.

Thanks for ruining that book for me, Ed.

I didn't know that book ends with him not having dessert.

I haven't even read that.

At the end, he doesn't get any pudding.

And he just has a bite at someone else's.

Yeah.

Here we go.

Water, still and sparkling.

Pop noms or bread.

A chip cost.

Starter.

Crispy duck pancakes plus

some tapas dishes, the triple-cooked potatoes brothers and chili and ginger glazed cauliflower.

Main course, stolen mac and cheese with crispy onions.

Side dish, tender stem broccoli with orange from flesh and bun.

Drink, campo Viejo, red wine, a whole bottle, but keep them coming throughout the whole meal.

And dessert is a mouthful of someone else's.

I can't believe what I'm reading.

I'm going to clip you saying a mouthful of someone else's and have it as my ring tone.

The resentment.

Delicious.

I would have that for my dessert.

That's a fruit pastel if ever I saw when saying a mouthful of someone else's every single time.

Sarah Keewa, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant and thank you for, I mean, you seem to have basically murdered James A.

Custer's soul, which I've broken the genie.

You've absolutely broken the genie.

I don't know if I'm coming back.

Yeah.

I don't know if I'm going to be on this podcast again.

This might be my last one.

You know what?

You deserved it for that awful welcome you gave Sarah and now she's left you genuinely feeling like that.

You're never going to be able to puff out your lamp ever again.

This is Benito's fault.

He didn't say enjoy your meal and now look at me.

I quit.

Well, there we go.

Thanks very much, Sarah.

I guess I'm the new genie now.

You're the new genie now.

I'm handing it over to you.

That's the rule, isn't it?

With genies, the genie that makes the genie quit becomes the new genie.

Yeah.

You become the new genie.

I really want to commit to that now and actually do it.

That'd be funny.

If I just stopped doing the podcast and Keemer was the new genie.

And they go, whoa, they really went with the bit.

And we do it, but we don't tell anyone it's happened.

Yeah.

And every new guest who's on, when it gets to the the dessert, they say their dessert.

And you always go, can I have a mouthful of that?

Yeah.

Ed, I've done this podcast for a long time.

I would like to do my farewell speech.

Now I'm not coming back.

Okay.

Right.

Benito's absolutely looking.

I mean, I think we've been going for an hour and 40 now.

Benito is now tearing his hair out, going,

how am I going to edit this?

And now James is going, and now I'd like to do my farewell speech, please.

I'd like to thank the great Benito for all of his time and patience over the years, even though he's a little squirt.

I would also like to thank Ed Gamble, who has been the perfect matrix D.

And sure, we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I feel like he still understands me on some level, at least a culinary level.

And thanks to all the guests who have ever been on the podcast.

Apologies to Jade Adams, who got kicked out, deservedly so.

And big shout out to Joel Dommit, who I believe I'll be joining in some sort of recovery clinic after I've come off of this.

Keworth, I'm sure you're going to be an excellent genie now I'm gone.

Enjoy.

Enjoy me.

And I've made you, Keworth.

I moved.

That was great.

Well, there we go, James.

A mouthful of someone else's.

Oh, Ed.

That's one of those great situations where, obviously, I don't agree with her.

I think that's an awful choice for dessert because you're missing out on a whole course.

But I just agreed with her to make you angry.

It actually makes me feel better to hear you say that.

Yeah, of course not a mouthful of someone else's.

What's better for you, someone saying cheese or someone saying a mouthful of someone else's dessert?

Very difficult.

Do you know what?

I think cheese boards make me angrier because I'm opposed to them, but this makes me sadder.

I feel sad.

What about if someone said they'd like a mouthful of someone else's cheese?

Oh dear.

Well then I'd be sad and angry at the same time.

I wouldn't.

I mean it'd be angry.

Yeah,

I would go on a rampage, I think.

It wouldn't be pretty.

I mean, Kiwa's now absolutely cemented herself into a future redemption dinner party episode.

Yeah, that's true.

Maybe she because obviously people know now.

Maybe they're doing it deliberately so they get another up.

It's like

desperately trying to win Taskmaster so you get to do champion of champions.

Yeah.

You were very clever with that, actually.

What about being the best?

But we enjoyed having Sarah in the restaurant.

Yeah.

All the same.

Yes, it was nice.

It was a lovely chat.

Just so sad at the end, you know.

It's like watching a lovely film and then...

I mean, we've already done this analogy.

Yeah, I've done that, Riff.

But all the same, even though she made James sad, do check out Sarah's social media accounts.

She is at SarahKay Comedy on Twitter, at Sarah underscore Keyworth on Instagram, and check out her website, sarahkeyworth.co.uk.

Maybe even James, when this episode's going out, there might even be gigs planned.

There might be events in the future featuring Sarah that you might want want to go to so just go and check out her website etc for that absolutely oh and if you are listening to us in those times tell us what it's like in the how are they going to do that huh how are they going to do that well i'm here i'm all ears he is all is he looks very weird he drank some more of that coffee became your dad again

Well, at least she didn't say chocolate liqueurs.

I mean, she said no dessert, and that upset me, but I was glad at least, at least, if she'd gone for chocolate liqueurs as dessert, it would have been even worse than a mouthful of someone else's.

Correct.

Actually,

technically, she said a mouthful of what any it doesn't even matter what it is,

whatever anyone's got.

So, that could include chocolate liqueurs.

Actually, it's rare to be in a restaurant and someone has a plate of chocolate liqueurs as their dessert.

Well, I wish I'd thought of that.

She'd made me so upset, I should have said, What if they're eating chocolate liqueurs?

Do you want a mouthful of that?

And she'd gone, yeah, or gone, get out the restaurant,

go enjoying Jail Adams in prison.

She's your bunk mate.

Check out our social media accounts as well

on Instagram and Twitter.

We're on there.

You can find us.

At Jimmy Acaster.

No, at OffmenuOfficial.

Oh.

Yes.

What's our website, James?

Offmenupodcast.co.uk.

Yay!

Yay!

He's plugged the website.

Thank you very much.

What a way to finish.

Was there something else you wanted to plug there, James?

I want to say thank you to Hackney Gelato, who sent me a load of gelato, because they know that I I love ice cream really appreciate it I don't think they knew that I was already a fan of theirs so absolute chumps for sending me loads of free stuff thanks guys all you know I think they thought we'll introduce them to our flavours I already loved it the butterscotch one is like just sublime best butterscotch ice cream out there in my humble opinion and my friend had texted me the day before telling me how much he loves the peanut butter one And then the next day I got this email from them saying do you want some free ice cream?

So I sent him a screen grab of the email.

Then I sent him a screen grab of the ice cream when it was in my freezer drawer.

And now he's not my friend.

Speaking of peanut butter, actually, shout out to the good people at Manny Life peanut butter, who I gave a shout out to on the May Martin episode.

It's my favorite.

peanut butter the man called stew who runs manny life uh was like hey we're doing a crossover with a restaurant soon uh and we're just sorting out the recipes can i send you some dishes that we're we're coming up with and they're they're doing a collab with labab who are a kebab restaurant in the centre of London.

And I had an amazing chicken kebab with like peanut butter and a broccoli with tahini peanut butter dressing, and an amazing aubergine sabish with peanut butter as well.

It was an incredible meal, James.

That sounds so good.

I'm not kidding.

He also sent me too much peanut butter.

Good on him.

And I don't know if we've mentioned before, but the,

I mean, I can't even remember what the brand is, so there's probably no point shouting this out.

But I got sent loads of free marmalade because we called Diane Morgan a shredhead.

Well,

their PR just had a heart attack.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, thanks for that.

Shout out to Marmalade.

Thanks very much for listening.

Hit us up on the socials.

Don't do that.

That sounds awful.

Just follow us if you want.

Thank you.

Bye.

Goodbye.

If you enjoyed this podcast, can I interest you in a totally different podcast that's not about food and doesn't have James A Caster or Ed Gamble, but I would say is quite fun.

No, thank you.

Oh, okay, not to worry.

If you change your mind at a later date, it's called Nobody Panic.

Right.

It's hosted by me, Tessa Coates, and my friend Stevie Martin.

Which is weirdly me.

And we tackle all kinds of how-tos from big things to small things.

How to stop saying sorry, how to poo, how to break up with someone, how to quit your job, how to relax, how to have a conversation, how to deal with unrequited love.

A smorgasbord of thing.

Absolutely.

We have a nice time.

People seem to like it.

If you like, you can come and see what all the fuss is about.

All that fuss.

What's it called?

Nobody panic.

You can find it on all of the podcast apps that you would imagine it would be on.

Please have a listen.

Consider this your sign to skip the what's for dinner debate tonight.

Outback Steakhouse has a three-course meal starting at just $14.99.

Start with soup or salad, then take your pick of down-under entrees, like our juicy towering burger or flame-grilled shrimp.

And for dessert, New York-style cheesecake, plus $8 cocktails all day, every day.

Three courses, starting at $14.99.

Tell the group chat you'll see them at Outback.

Price and participation may vary.

It's finally happened.

Your kid could be part of the first generation to never suffer the rough touch of toilet paper on their tender tush.

All thanks to flushable Little Dude wipes.

They clean like regular dude wipes, but come in bubble bum scent or fragrance-free for kids.

Because we know little butts can make a big mess.

Kids love them, parents trust them, and messes fear them.

Whether it's after snack time, potty time, or mystery mess time, little dude wipes have you covered.

You can toss a pack in your diaper bag, glove box, or backpack for a quick clean on the go.

But with little Dude Wipes, you can keep your kids' keister clean without the burn and debris toilet paper can leave behind on their behinds.

And since Little Dude Wipes are free of chemical binders and alcohol, you can be sure their little b-holes get the safest clean possible.

No irritation, no dingleberries, just the confident clean you get from Little Dude Wipes.

Made from 100% plant-based natural fibers.

Tiny hands, big wipe, clean butt.

Available exclusively at Walmart nationwide.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.