Ep 122: Meera Syal

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, where we take rock-solid frozen cold chats, put them in the microwave of humor for five seconds, and get a perfect scoop of conversation.

That was good, man.

I'm just thinking, I think you've done a microwave one before, but then maybe not.

I don't think I have.

I've not done the microwave one, I've definitely not done.

Yeah.

All right, mate.

I'm sure if you've listened to another one.

Free now.

I've not used...

I don't think I've used the microwave before.

Certainly not within the rock solid

hard conversation.

Because what I'm saying is sometimes conversations can be hard, but we use our microwaves of humor and we soften our guest and then get a big old scoop of conversation out of them.

And I think that's actually one of the best ones I've ever done.

Yeah, I guess so.

I mean, I was just trying to think like what you I don't know if I'd put something in the microwave and then afterwards it would be scoopable like I came.

Well, because you only then no no no no, then you only put it in for five seconds, right?

Ice cream.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, that's fair enough.

I like a soft ice cream more than a rock hard one.

Do you?

Yeah.

But you wouldn't put it in the microwave.

Yeah, I would put it in the microwave, yeah, I would.

All right.

But you just said you wouldn't.

I would.

I'll relate to it 100%.

Right, okay.

Thank you.

James A.

Caster here.

Ed Gamble here.

The Off Menu, boys.

We're welcoming you to the Dream Restaurant, along with a special guest.

And we're going to ask them their favourite ever start, a main course dessert, side dish, and drink.

Not in that order.

And this week, our special guest is...

Mira Saul.

Mira Sayal, a wonderful writer, comedian, performer, broadcaster.

National treasure.

National treasure.

We've had a lot of national treasures on recently.

We've had quite a few national treasures.

We better buy ourselves a national treasure chest.

You know what I mean?

Keep all these national treasures in it.

Put them all in there, but give them plenty of room to stretch their legs because they deserve it.

They deserve a first-class chest experience.

Yeah, absolutely.

A first-class chest experience.

Yes.

Mira said that was amazing.

She's a hero of ours.

We're very excited to have her on the podcast.

But if Mira chooses a secret ingredient, ingredient that normally, traditionally, it's an ingredient that we don't like, then we will kick her out of the dream restaurant.

This week, it's a little

tip of the cap to one of our favourite goodness gracious me sketches.

So this week, the secret ingredient is an English.

If she picks an English, she will be removed from the restaurant.

Yes, no going out for an English, please, Mira.

Otherwise, we'll have to kick you out.

But, you know, the silver lining is we would get to discuss that sketch, which would be fun, wouldn't it?

As two students of comedy?

When I was actually a student, we didn't do this, but I always wanted to pretend that I didn't know the point of going for an English and perform a sketch where we took going for an English and flipped it round.

No one would let me do it, which is really sad.

Yeah.

I mean, it sounds good.

I mean, who was in your sketch group again?

Nish.

Nish, yeah.

Nish Tom Neenan.

Yeah, Nish Tom Neenan, Pete Riley, Anna Yaddy, Katie Barker.

The Durham Review.

The Durham Review.

Classic stuff from some classic guys.

I never got to see the Durham Review when you guys were all in it.

Heard a lot of the sketches described by you lot.

And definitely sounds like I would find it hilarious, providing I knew you at the time.

That was very much the vibe we do we do runs in edinburgh and the shows that went down the best are the ones where all the people from durham came yeah yeah yeah because they're like oh great these guys are deliberately murdered

rubbish yeah nish playing a like a film noir detective that was a good one yeah yeah with a bad name i'd imagine all of your names i remember hearing about nish playing the scottish person in an edinburgh sketch and calling himself was it haggis mcnish hagis mcnish that wasn't in the durham review that was when we did a stand-up show uh and nish would do his set, and then I'd say, we want to make the stand-up show a little bit different, so we're going to send Nish out into Edinburgh, and he's going to buy a disguise, and he's going to try and come back in here in disguise.

And he'd go out, and then he'd come back in 10 minutes later with like a

ginger wig on, one of those tourist hats, Tammy Shanta, and pretend to be a man called Haggis McNish, and I'd pretend that I'd fallen for it.

Imagine going to see that.

It was brilliant.

He does similar stuff now, I've heard.

Yeah, he does.

Yeah, he doesn't trade far from that.

We should probably start the episode.

Yes, please.

I'm very much looking forward to having Mira in the dream restaurant.

So hopefully she doesn't pick an English.

Yes, hopefully not.

But also, I hope that we get to chat to her about Code 404.

New series of that is out on Sky Comedy.

So I'm very excited.

Hopefully we can dig into that and talk about it.

She's fantastic in it.

She plays a right rotter.

She does play a right rotter.

But hopefully she's not a right rotter in real life.

Fingers crossed.

This is the off-menu menu of Mira Sayal.

Welcome, Mira, to the dream restaurant.

Thank you so much.

Thanks for having me.

It's very posh.

Welcome, Mira Sayal, to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Here we go.

Less posh now, unfortunately, after the arrival of the Kettering Genie.

Spoiling the atmosphere.

Thanks for dressing up.

Thank you, mate.

Thank you.

Yes, a pleasure.

Can you explain to the listeners what I'm wearing?

Because everyone sees the genie differently.

People imagine the genie in different clothes.

To you, what does your genie look like at this particular meal?

James is a genie in this.

We should have explained that.

It's quite a high concept at the beginning, but don't worry, it won't come up again.

It is, isn't it?

Yes.

Oh my gosh.

I would like you to be dressed in a very smart neru jacket

and billowy trousers, but not the curly shoes, because I think that's going a bit far.

It's a bit cliched.

No problem.

I now understand that you said billowy trousers there.

Initially, I thought you said billowy trousers, and I thought, what other type of trousers are there?

There are uppy trousers.

Yeah, they're uppy uppers.

Also known as a wedgie.

I mean,

say

whenever I wear a new collar, Nish Kumar tells me that I'm ripping him off, though.

So if you put me in that, I've got one top that has that kind of collar.

And every time I wear it, Nish gets angry and says I'm stealing his thing, and it's his thing.

So, if you do put me in that top, I'm going to be in trouble with him.

You are, you're going to be accused of cultural reappropriation.

Maybe you can't win, really.

Then it's an Iron Maiden t-shirt, then.

Stick to your culture, mate.

That's what I say.

Is that, I mean, that was amazing in the moment.

Was an Iron Maiden t-shirt the whitest thing you could think of?

Yes, yes.

I think you nailed it.

I think you absolutely nailed it.

i love iron maiden just for the record i does love iron maiden i do love iron maiden you love do you love a bit of heavy metal i do i just recently watched the story of anvil wow it's great isn't it and you keep thinking is it a spoof but it's not no they're very real people and for a while they that band got uh quite good slots on festivals uh because of because of that film and now i assume they're just back to where they started in the film again but oh but the commitment it's heartbreaking and also magnificent i mean it's great.

Absolutely.

It's a great documentary.

That's how James feels as a genie sometimes, isn't it, James?

Yeah, I'm committed to it.

I try really hard and still some people fail to recognise me as a genie.

Sad life.

Do you hang out in a lamp?

Yeah, yeah, I do hang out in a lamp.

Yeah, I burst out the lamp at the beginning of the podcast.

You probably weren't looking, but like, I was in a lamp and then I burst out of it.

And then you burst out.

Yeah, yeah.

So you missed that.

But like, I was inside a lamp originally.

And then he had to go back in the lamp very quickly and change his Nauru collar for an Iron Maiden t-shirt.

Yes, very quickly.

Suits you, sir.

Thank you very much.

Mira, would you consider yourself a foodie at all?

Totally.

Gosh, yeah.

I love food.

Love it.

Love it too much.

Just

mainly have overeaten through most of my life just because, you know, there's so much to sample and taste.

But I'm not, I can't say I'm an expert on fine dining, actually.

I haven't been to a lot of the, you know, the tick list restaurants you're meant to go to, but I do love sampling other people's home cooking.

I do love that.

Who are some of the best cooks you know, your friends, who are like the top, the top ones, who, if you get an invite around their house, you're like, oh, man.

Oh, well, it has to be writer Tanika Gupta, who's one of my dear friends and lives up the road.

Luckily for me, she's giving me doggy bags.

But honestly, everything she cooks, whether it's, you know, a curry from scratch or an amazing cake, she does it, it's that effortless way that I really she sort of ambles around the kitchen talking to you and cracking jokes and all of a sudden there's this amazing meal that she seems to have rustled up from half an onion and a bag of lentils and you go I don't know how you did that the effortless thing is always amazing to me because when I when I cook something if I'm really going for it you know there's going to be absolute anger and hatred poured into that meal every single last mouthful of that is going to be fueled by my just rage that's that's how I cook how are you mirror when you cook are you an angry cook?

Are you a chilled cook somewhere in the middle?

I think I'm quite a chilled cook because I cook a lot.

I cook pretty much every night.

We probably have a takeaway a week.

And because my mum lives with us, I often end up cooking Indian food because that's what she likes best.

And now I've got it down to a fine art.

But I find cooking meditative, actually, and particularly baking.

I don't know.

When I want to learn my lines, I bake a cake.

Really?

Because I find that if I've got the lines sitting there, but I'm actually doing something else with another part of my brain, it goes in better.

And I can't tell you why, but it seems to.

It's a good tip.

It's great.

I find it impossible.

I mean, Ed and I have auditions, right, Ed?

We don't get the parts.

No.

But we do a lot of auditions.

So we're familiar with trying to learn lines.

It's good to practice, though, Miri.

You know, it's just good to practice.

Keep practicing for, you know, say 15 years.

And then one day the right audition will come along and I'll mess that up.

I can't believe you have to audition.

That's shocking.

Should just be asking you.

Well, we're very bad actors.

So that's the main reason.

Is that why?

Yeah, yes.

Very poor actors.

Very poor actors.

Auditioning is just a pain at the moment, though, because it's all on Zoom.

And, you know, so much is about have you got the right equipment and are you lit nicely?

Generally, that's a no on both counts because you're frazzled and you've got loads of lines to learn.

And then

sometimes your teenage son or your mother reading in the other lines and um the worst thing is actually what you can't do in a zoom audition and i know we've had to do that because of the times we live in is that you can only do one take on the part you're going up for what you can't show the other people looking at you is that i could actually do this take five different ways had i been in the room with the director yeah but i've got to make a decision now about the role and if it's the wrong one if it's not how you saw it then it's gone already and that's a bit frustrating i think yeah you've baked a whole cake for that and I baked a whole bunch of cake.

I do get the cake at the end, though, which is some consultation.

Every time Mira Sayal auditions, she's always got crumbs round her mouth.

Have you noticed that?

Her face is covered in crumbs and dunder

and like buttercream.

Have you noticed that?

It's just a choice she makes for the role, I guess.

I'm not sure.

One day the perfect part of a baker is going to come along, Mira, and you're going to smash that audition.

I'm so waiting.

I'm so waiting to be asked to go on, you know, celebrity bake-off thingy, whatever it is, just because I actually like baking.

Oh, steer clear.

Is it too much hassle?

It's a waking nightmare, steer clear.

They stitch you up.

Do they?

What I would say, Mira, is James's experience on celeb bake-off is not the experience I'd say anyone else has ever had on it.

You fronted it out, James, which is all you can do.

Tried to front it out.

I was spiraling.

They don't help you.

They just watch you drown

in your own cake batter.

Oh, yeah, they loved it.

had you ever baked before that that traumatic experience good question not really not really really it didn't show me help my mum as a kid sometimes because i wanted to eat the cake mix obviously and uh i did one practice round of my flapjacks before going on bake-off with my sister it went really well so i thought i thought that's the easiest thing i've ever had to do bake those flapjacks so i was like no more practicing then that's fine i turned up on the day and everyone else was like i've practiced you know 16 times or whatever and i was like what

yeah

must not be getting much work outside of that

you can tell some people have been in heavy training for weeks though can't you you just can't yeah yeah yeah

and because also their jokes they enjoy baking at home so they was like yeah i've done all these different practices that's because they loved it and i saw it as work and tried to avoid it turned up on the day and got my arse handed to me no do you know what but that's why people watch it it's for the arsehanding bit.

It's not for the expert cake bits.

It should be called celebrity arse handing, really, shouldn't it?

It should, really.

It's not as catchy, maybe.

Yeah.

Is there a specific cake that you like to make when you learn your lines?

Or is it a whole range of cakes?

There are a couple of cakes I can do pretty much with my eyes closed.

One is lemon drizzle

and the other is brownies, really nice, sticky, gooey brownies.

So those I can go down to a fine art now next question what is your address

you're very welcome anytime i'm i'm that annoying actor that takes cakes to the rehearsal room but i found it's a really great way of breaking the ice i don't think that's annoying mira i don't know do you remember nigel planer's book i an actor

which is all about upon the actor and he's got a he's got a recipe in there for rehearsal cheesecake to break the ice which has got ingredients in it like squirrel skin and quince quince but um i hope i'm not that actor but i do find that um there is nothing like feeding people to start everyone talking that's not annoying at all mira i'd imagine you're the absolute toast of the town when you bring the lemon drizzle to a rehearsal room that sounds incredible i'm going to start working harder on my auditions if that's the sort of thing that happens when you get the part yeah yeah i didn't know there's cake at the end of it

does your mum like your your cooking on your and your cakes now that she lives with you yes yeah she loves the cake she's got a really sweet tooth because she never, I mean, I wasn't brought up with baking.

It's not an Indian thing at all.

In fact, for years, I thought the oven was a place you stored your pans.

I didn't actually know it did anything because we just never baked.

But I grew up in this mining village surrounded, and it was a bit sort of, you know, it's not quite Inid Blighten, very working class Inid Blyton, but a bit kind of rurally.

And, you know, I had lots of old ladies living around me that all used to bake for the church fate.

And that's how I learned.

I learnt from little old ladies.

So my next door neighbour would be making a cake or jam tarts from scratch with blackberries she'd picked and I'd stand by her and watch her and that's how I learned.

So it was pretty good training actually.

It's good.

Always stalk an old lady.

Because that's the only way to learn how to bake really, isn't it?

From old ladies, right?

I think so.

So how did the first person learn how to bake?

Because was there just an old lady who was born?

and she knew how to bake straight away.

Because there's got to be a time when there wasn't an old lady knocking around, right?

Yeah, you're very right.

That's a very existential question.

Right.

Yeah.

Which I'm not sure I can answer.

Yeah, what came first, the cake or the old lady?

It's the old question.

Yeah.

Maybe there was a cake and an old lady burst out of it, you know, like a surprise, like a birthday.

Like a stag party surprise.

Yeah, but they're like, how long has she been in there?

She's so old.

Did you bake a cake when learning your lines for code 404 is the question.

Oh, nice segue.

Very pretty good.

Probably.

I imagine I probably did, but I couldn't tell you what cake it was.

Yeah.

Yes, it would have been a bitter cake because I was playing a bitter character.

It would have been something with dark chocolate and spikes in it, I think.

That was a really, really fun part.

I don't get offered many sort of purely ronggans.

And it was just great to play someone who you never knew what side of the law she was on because she's a lawyer that comes from a criminal family.

So she knows both worlds really intimately.

And I got to eyeball Stephen graham in a very dead-eye sharky way which is very exciting he won obviously oh did he that's got to be one of the dreams to dead-eye stephen graham just to have the opportunity to do that within within a part because you know in real life that's that's never going to happen for any of us right you just wouldn't dare would you no absolutely not i would you wouldn't would you dare yeah i do

i i

i saw him on jonathan ross once having a go at romish and i was like if i see him if i ever see that guy

I'm gonna dead eye him minimum

what's your maximum with him though punch him in the head

you wouldn't do it you wouldn't you wouldn't last a second mate you wouldn't well let's see let's see can I just tell you he's he's completely ripped as well yeah well

he's going to be ripped to pieces he's really ripped we had to do a bit of a stunt which involved running and jumping and guns and helicopters very exciting

and um he he sprinted from one end of a runway to the other in about three seconds flat without barely breathing.

I was like, my God.

You'll have to run quicker than that when I see him.

I'd have to run quicker.

It's not sounding very convincing.

No.

We'll see.

We'll see.

I don't think we will.

I'll pass the message on, Sean.

Yeah, do.

I mean, if you know, send him an email, please, Mira.

That would be great.

If you just say, James A.

Caster says he can tear you to pieces, I believe.

I will do that.

You'll be hearing from him, I'm sure.

And you'll have to run first when you see him.

That's what he said as well.

I'll make sure to pass that on.

How How many courtroom characters have you played now, Mira?

Because, like, before we get into your main menu, I'm thinking, you've played a judge, right?

Yeah, I've played a few.

I played a judge in Broadchurch.

And I played a prosecuting barrister in Paddington 2.

I had to prosecute Hugh Grant, which was...

Just a career highlight, frankly.

What a film.

The man just improvises all the time.

You can't stop him.

And every improvisation is bloody genius.

I mean, he's just brilliant.

Yeah.

I have a feeling, though, on that film, Hugh Grant was having the absolute best time of his entire career, though.

You could tell, couldn't couldn't you?

I'm not sure he's riffing on every job he's doing, but Paddington 2, he was absolutely losing his mind.

He was so excited.

You could tell.

Maybe for similar reasons to you.

On Code 404, he got to play a baddie and quite enjoyed that, maybe.

Is there something more cathartic about that?

About playing a wrong'un?

Oh, gosh, yeah, totally.

It's really hard to play good, and it's really hard to play glam.

I mean, those are two things.

Nobody really asks me much about the glam bit now, but you think, oh, no, no, that's hours in makeup.

They're going to have to work really hard to make me look even vaguely glam and like everyone says the devil has the best lines you know the most interesting complex characters are really flawed and unpredictable so of course we all want to we want to play them i thought you ed what complex and flawed and unpredictable yeah i wouldn't say that's true at all i'm a lovely good boy okay no if i was a cake james what would i be flawed cake flawed and unpredictable

one of your cakes from bacoff yeah you would be the my flapjacks from bacoff would be a liquid flapjack soup, would I?

What a lovely compliment.

Congratulations.

What up a tea?

Would you like still or sparkling water, Mira?

Sparkling, please.

No, you'd say it's hard to be glam, and yet you've gone for the glammist water choice.

Have I gone for the glammist water?

Oh, this is full of pizzazz, the sparkling water.

It's full of pizzazz.

Although I read somewhere that sparkling water can give you cellulite, is that true?

Tell us about this.

I've not heard this.

Yeah, it's one of those random facts I remember reading saying, you know, if you have too much sparkling water, you'll get orange peel thighs.

It's not stopped me, though.

I do enjoy it.

It just makes me feel like I'm out because I wouldn't have it at home.

So when you're out, you have sparkling water.

Have you ever tried having it at home to give yourself the feeling of being out even though you're at home?

Well, of course, in lockdown, we were all doing that, weren't we?

We had to pretend we were out.

So, yeah, I think we cracked open a couple of bottles in the kitchen over lockdown.

But yeah, it's not, yeah, normally I'll have, I'm quite happy with tap water, to be honest.

But yes, when I'm out, I do like a bit of sparkling water, yes.

What are orange peel thighs?

Orange peel fies.

Oh, God.

Guys don't get cellulite, do you?

Not really.

I guess not.

You know, that kind of looks like...

I understand the idea.

You understand the concept.

It's like cottage cheesy sort of ripples on your flesh.

Uh-huh.

Although I like cottage cheese and I like oranges.

So if anything, I'm going to start slamming the sparkling water.

Yeah.

sparkling water does that do you want anything in the sparkling water like ice or some fruit i would like some ice and a couple of thinly cut slices of lime please you've got to be careful because if you have too much lime you get lime peel thighs you oh no yeah you get green green thighs real bad stuff actually you really don't want that that's a good point imagine this mirror you wake up one morning and your thighs have been replaced with a citrus fruit

which fruit would you choose of the citrus family and we're talking lemons limes grapefruits oranges what other ones are there i'm going to surprise you now and say kum quat yeah we go oh yes you weren't you weren't you didn't predict that did you didn't predict it no yeah we i don't think we were even sure that that was definitely a citrus fruit so you've absolutely sideswiped us there mira why specifically the kumquat because they're small so you imagining yourself with just instead of thighs just two two very small quats.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And if your thighs were a place of cum quats and you were doing exercises at home, you could do quat squats as well.

You could do squat.

I can't even say that.

Very good.

I'm annoyed James got that in there because I had that bubble.

You had that in your head as well?

I had come.

No, because I was going to say cum squats and that sounds way worse.

So I'm glad you went with squats.

So actually, I'm glad you did yours.

Sorry, everyone.

It's all right.

We'll edit that bit out.

You're all right.

Yeah, please.

Yeah, if you can edit the cum squats out, though, though, that's going to be the main bit.

That's going to be the main bit of the podcast.

You deserve it.

Pop-dubs or bread.

Pop-dubs or bread, Mira Seil.

Pop-a-dums or bread.

Pop-nobs.

Pop-nobs.

Pop-a-dubs or bread.

Oh, pop-a-dums or bread.

Bread.

Bread.

I'm a bread freak.

Bread of any kind.

Yeah?

Yes, please.

Cross the other better.

Now, occasionally, Mira, the guests will mishear what James says there because he always shouts it.

Does he?

But I don't think anyone's heard popnobs before.

I thought it was a cross between a pop-a-dum and a hobnob.

Pop-knobs, not a bad idea.

But what kind of restaurant am I in?

Some kind of weird fusion, culturally appropriated place.

Get out of here.

Well, he's had his Nairu collar on and now he's from his own.

I'm creating pop-a-dums.

It's just

walking around, greeting people at the door.

Welcome to Pop Nobs and Cum Squats.

Sit down.

What kind of bread would you like?

I very much like crusty bread with a soft, yielding centre.

So, you know, a really good French loaf or some of those lovely, slightly warm rolls that when you break them open, the steam comes out and then you can put the butter in it and the butter melts.

That kind.

Have you had a French loaf in France?

Yes, my gosh.

They taste different, don't they?

It's the water and the flour and everything else, isn't it?

It does taste different.

It's the ambiance.

But also, I love the fact that everybody eats piles of bread and nobody cares.

Nobody's going, oh, carbs.

They just eat piles of bread.

Yeah, and they drink wine in little glasses, walking around, drinking wine, eating bread, looking amazing.

Looking amazing.

Yeah.

Wearing a scarf in a million different ways that you couldn't even begin to even do once.

I mean, I don't know how the innate sense of style that they have is there, but it is.

Yeah.

If you were staying in Paris and you lived above or on the same street as a bakery, and you could go down every morning and get yourself a baguette, do you think you could walk from the baker's back to your house without nibbling the baguette out the bag that was sticking up the top?

Oh no, I've even done that when I've brought things back from shopping.

I've broken the end of the bread and eaten it in the car while I've been driving.

That's just really bad, isn't it?

Would you ever do it before you've paid for it?

Some people do that.

Oh yeah.

Have I ever done that?

I probably haven't, no.

What do you think of the people who do do that?

I respect their choices.

As long as you pay for it, it's all right.

Because sometimes people do that with their kids, right?

They'll pick something off the shelf in the supermarket.

They'll give it to their kids and their kids will eat it when they're going around the shop and then they'll make the person scan an empty bag yet when you do it and you've got no kids you get frowned upon that's a very fair point i think maybe they give concessions to under fives though yeah they do let them get away with it but i just wonder whether i could get away with going into the supermarket eating a bag of crisps and that's the only thing i take to the checkout whether i essentially go and use it as a cafe whether that would whether that would fly Not unless you've been threatening to have a tantrum unless you got the crisps, because that's generally why people have given things to their kids in the Isles of Sainsbury's is to stop them melting down.

Well in that scenario I would have to go into the supermarket out loud threaten myself with a tantrum and then give myself a bag of crisps, eat the crisps and then

check out the bag of crisps.

I'd look insane I'd say.

It's not outside the realms of possibility.

That's true.

I bet Stephen Graham eats food when he walks around

the supermarket.

You wouldn't stop him would you?

I would.

I wouldn't.

I would stop him.

I'd see him moving the food towards his belt.

I would grab his wrist and I would say, not so fast.

And then he'd dead-eye you.

Yeah.

And you'd be very, very frightened.

It'd be the last thing he did if he tried that.

James, he would fold you up and put you in that bag of crisps and then put it back on the shelf.

Lovely.

I'd love to be in a bag of crisps.

Thank you very much.

Do me a favour.

You could live in a bag of crisps instead of a lamp.

That would be good, actually, wouldn't it?

That would be good.

Then all the crisps would go everywhere.

Did you used to do that when you were a kid?

I mean, you had a bag of crisps and somebody wanted one and then you'd quickly smash them all up to little tiny pieces.

so so when you offered the bag all they could take was a tiny crumb did you ever do that was that just me no but i love it i never did that i absolutely love that i wish i'd thought of that it must be a midland thing

well i'm from the midland i'm from ketwin but we didn't do it

you never did that maybe it's a maybe it's just a particular west midland thing then we'd have said no

generous of kids

do you think you could do that as an adult maybe when you're in the pub, bring a bag of crisps back.

You know how people do the they tease it open and like splay it out like a little plate?

Do you think instead of doing that, you just slam your fist on it so there's it's just powder and then open it up and go, Good luck.

Yeah, yeah, that's quite a good pub game, actually, isn't it?

Maybe you should give everyone a straw and see if they can suck the bits up through a straw.

You got a favourite flavour of crisps before we move on?

Really boringly, I like a plain crisp, actually.

Don't think you should embellish it too much.

I'm into that.

Maybe a bit of black pepper on it, the black pepper crisps.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not into heavily flavoured, like prawny barbecuey things.

Yeah, more and more I've got into, I've really grown to appreciate the ready-salted crisp.

Oh, yeah.

I used to be all about the wacky flavours, but these days, yeah, I keep gravitating towards the ready-salted and going, oh, there's a beauty to this.

I think it's a sign of age.

This is like being at a ration meeting in the 1940s.

What's going on here?

Both of you going, well, no, I just love the plain flavour of the potato to come through, actually.

Unbelievable.

Doing the Midlands a disservice.

I grew up in London.

I like truffle crisps.

Thank you.

Yeah, he does.

Actually, they are quite good, though, aren't they?

Thank you, Mary.

Yes, they are.

The black truffle Torres crisps are the best

in the world.

They're like crack, aren't they?

Once you open it, that's it.

You don't.

Full big bag.

Full big bag.

Down.

During lockdown, I found out that supermarket around the corner from me had them on Deliveroo.

So quite often, if I was hungover and I couldn't really be bothered to leave the house, I'd get a full Deliveroo shop full of stuff I didn't need justify buying a big bag of the crisps.

Oh, down in one breath.

Amazing.

Get all upset about it and throw wobbly in the middle of the sleep.

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Let's move on to your dream meal proper and start with your dream starter.

My dream starter would be an Indian street food dish called chart, C-H-A-A-T, and there's various versions of it like Aloopapari chart.

Let me describe it to you.

It's like bits of potato and chickpea mixed with fresh onion, coriander, ginger garlic, some spices.

And then on top of that, you have yogurt and tamarind sauce.

And then right on top of that, you have these little crispy things, a bit like crisps, called poppri.

And it's all together in a bowl of just fantastic layered flavours.

And it literally is street food.

It's what you can grab from a stall on your way to work or on your way back.

But it's just one of my favourite things because there's just so many different

sensations in one little bowl.

Oh, it does sound absolutely amazing straight away.

Oh, and mint chutney as well.

Put that on top too.

It's just delicious.

I've had a

Mobley, which is like a a chain there's one in liverpool one in birmingham and they do chart bombs which are almost like are they is it called gold guppers the

very good gold gupper yeah yeah so they're little flying saucers yeah it's like a combination of the two so inside is the charts but and those are that's probably the first time i had anything that's like that did you like it I was really addicted to it.

I was then like obsessed with where Mowglis were around

the UK every time because I was on tour at the time.

So I was like, is there a Mowgli nearby?

I'm going to get those bombs again.

Oh, do you know, they're not difficult to make at home, not the actual little guorgabe.

I buy those from you know, you can buy them, but the mixture that goes inside you can make pretty easily.

You just need chickpeas and boil up some potatoes, and then you buy the various spices, and you're off.

Where's the best place that you've ever had this dish?

Is there like if you wanted it from a specific place, could even be your own, maybe could hear me, and I do make a very good alopopri chart, I have to say, but dishum, Deshum do a great chart.

But also, surprisingly, when you,

you know, you go to these little off-piste places in places like Wembley or Southall

or Green Street in the East End, these are all London places.

But generally, you will always find, you know, a little family-run restaurant that does the best chart if you're willing to just be a little bit adventurous.

But Deshum is a very, very good chart.

Yeah.

They do loads of things very much.

You mentioned a lot of London places there.

Yeah.

Jess Phillips, elected MP, Jess Phillips, has been on the podcast, and she claimed there was no good curry places in London at all.

What would you say to that?

Goodness, that's a big challenge.

Yeah.

Well, it's from Birmingham.

I know, and I know what she means.

She was really flying the flag for Birmingham.

Oh, yeah, no, Birmingham's got some of the...

She's right.

Some of the best curry houses, I would say, worldwide, never mind Britain wide, that's true.

But there's a particularly famous sort of area around about

Soho Road and Sparkbrook around there, which do balti literally means bucket, but you don't eat out of a bucket, don't worry.

But they do really

amazing, very quickly cooked different curries in sort of large they look like woks really and the secret is that you cook everything quite quickly still and you get these giant naans, they're called guruk naans and you can get one that is literally you can't see my hands, but literally the size of the dining table and you all share it and it's like it's just like being with a bunch of caterpillars everybody just gets an end and just munches their way to the middle it's such a see it's a communal experience of eating that that is so much fun and it breaks loads of barriers when you go along so i've yeah the curry houses around there are amazing but yes she's right it's a very good place to to eat indian food i don't think i would have a good time eating that naan with everyone else because i'm very greedy and i immediately want to know what bit of the food is mine so i can get it all so what i would do is I'd start eating that nun and I'd try and go the fastest out of everyone.

And I'd be across the other side of the table before anyone else had taken the bite.

Some people do that because they're frightened it's going to, yeah, it's going to run out.

Did you come from a big family?

Is that why?

Did you have to fight for food at the table?

No, I'm an only child.

Oh my God.

Well, that makes no sense then.

I think it explains everything, Mira.

I have a half brother and half sister, but I didn't grow up with them.

So yes, only child.

They were full brothers and full sisters, but Ed ate them.

Yeah.

Ed ate half of them.

Yeah.

That's why they're a half brother and half sister, right?

The top of my sister and the bottom of my brother.

Is there a chance, Mira, when everyone's nibbling on the naan from all different sites?

The giant naan, yeah.

The giant naan, that they would all meet in the middle and accidentally lady in the tramp at the end of the meal.

Nicely.

Oh, that would be romantic, wouldn't it?

Depends who you're with, I suppose.

It does depend who you're with.

Yeah, it's a little awkward if it's, you know, your brother.

Family.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

exactly um i you know it's never happened to me but then i think you know it's descended into a free-for-all before we've reached that point but um

no but generally the the great thing about an etiquette experience like this is the food is in the middle of the table in the pans you know there's no formalities so nobody worries that there isn't enough and I've only got this little bit of nouveau cuisine on my plate it just doesn't work like that it's like there's a load of food you eat with your fingers it's a sensual experience just get stuck in there and ask for more if you want to and that's how i that's good i like that's how i like eating actually i always worry that what if there's not enough and what if this is the last time i ever eat this food so i have to go for it are you a survivalist have you got a secret bunker with lots of tinned food no um i think in an apocalyptic situation i think i might be the first one to die

Because I'd eat or if I did have any tins, I'd eat all my tins day one.

And then I'd be too full when the zombies came.

I'm assuming zombies yeah see i'm the opposite because like the biggest fear that anybody has in my culture is to not have enough food it's a ridiculous thing and you completely overfeed people and then you get offended when they say i'm full after eating for three hours you go you're full you fool this is the first course

and this is how over over much i cater that when the lockdown was sort of first coming and everyone was panic buying friend was round and she went oh i see you've stocked up already go out look at that and i went no this is my usual usual cupboard

I have 36 tins of tin tomatoes because I will need them in the week

I have 50 toilet rolls because I will need them so yeah bulk buying all the way

Your dream main then, is it something that would be like, you know, a shared dish or is this just for you?

You know, I had a real difficulty with this, but I thought, what is the thing I've most enjoyed eating over the last couple of years?

And I'm going to say paella or paella.

Because I had the best paella I've ever had in Barcelona a couple of years ago.

And I still think about it.

Is that sad?

But I actually enjoy remembering eating that paella.

And maybe because of where it was, it was, you know, on the beach.

It was a restaurant right next to the beach in Barcelona.

Barcelona friends had taken us there and said, you will never eat better paella.

And you go, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they were right.

It was just amazing.

And it had the little sofrito bit at the bottom, you know, that sort of crackly bit that forms at the bottom of the pan.

Yeah.

I can't remember how much I ate, but I had to be rolled out of there.

But I couldn't stop eating it.

Every single layer of flavor was just amazing.

And of course, all the, you know, it was a fish one because I don't eat meat.

So it was chocker full of the best seafood because it was all fresh and probably caught this morning.

And yes, it'll be that, please.

That is the first shout out we've we've had for paella on the podcast would would you believe it after a hundred and something episodes and what a good choice i've not had paella in ages i have it all the time you don't have it all the time mate i do what are you talking about my my girlfriend all the way through lockdown has been perfecting her paella that is true wow told me this yeah and just we've had we've had it pretty regularly keeps getting better delicious that's amazing eat it out the pan while watching tv sharing the sharing it together from the pan does she get the crispy bit on the bottom yeah absolutely what do you have in yours uh chicken and prawns actually no chicken and then i've i've realized that i've imagined the prawns

but uh chicken and like loads of

i think i'm thinking of how the red peppers are cut they look like prawns but like there's loads of red peppers in there she's absolutely fooled you mate yeah she's tricked me and has she got a proper paella pan yeah Yeah, well, kind of.

Yeah.

It is like a beginner's one, I'd say.

Yeah, it's me too.

I've only got a beginner's one.

It's huge, though.

You have to have four or four gas rings on to some keep moving it around so it cooks properly.

But yeah, I love hearing the shout of the paella.

I know we've definitely mentioned paella before in the podcast because I said about how I was really obsessed with the Tesco paella that you could buy for a while.

And I would regularly.

eat that when I was like when I first moved to London I'd get that it was a really it's probably the best ready meal I've ever had and I would have it pretty pretty regularly because it was delicious But I couldn't remember if it was Tesco or Sains Foods and tell you what I was told this was boring the first time I said it on the podcast

How big was the pan that they made the paeola in when you saw it because they get pretty pretty damn big Huge.

I mean there was four of us five of us around the table six of us maybe even and we all you know we couldn't finish it So again, this is something else that you're eat you're all sat around and you're just eating your way towards the middle.

It's another communal eating experience, right?

Well, yeah, because I think that's what food's about.

You know, food is just better when it's shared.

And I think food brings us all together.

And I think food is also, it's soul food because the recipes that I, you know, the Indian food I make, the recipes I have are things that my mum made for me and her mum made for her.

And I feel that I'm really linked to my past.

And all those flavours are part of who I am.

And so eating that food and making that food is more than just, oh, it's fuel.

It's loads of other things as well.

When you make things for your mum that your mum in the past has made for you, do you ever put any little twists in?

Do you ever put your own stamp on it?

Or would she be angry about that?

Oh, no, you adapt all the time.

I mean, particularly because, you know, if you, a lot of traditional Indian dishes, if you follow the traditional recipe, you are literally there for four hours stirring.

And who's got the time to do that?

So I do loads of shortcuts.

Sometimes she doesn't know.

Sometimes she really does.

And she'll sort of go,

she'll delete eat it though but yeah i mean we just don't have the time that our mothers did nor the inclination frankly i mean i don't want to spend half my life in a kitchen i want to be able to make the food as quickly and as well as i can and then sit and eat it with my friends and enjoy it so gone are those days when the mums used to stand at the stove and basically serve everybody else and let's sit then sit down on their own afterwards i mean that does not happen anymore in my house or anybody else's i hope if you were in a situation where you and your your friends are all sat around a big either a big round Naan bread or a big paella and you're all eating from the outside and you meet in the middle and do a big lady and the tramp

all of you at the same time, who would be the people that you would most like to do that with?

Minimum three other people, but you can add more if you want to.

Oh okay so Frida Carlo.

Yes.

Who I blum in love and still on my bucket list.

I was meant to go this year, but for obvious reasons I didn't is to visit her house in Mexico.

Joni Mitchell, who is my favourite musician.

Nina Simone, because I think she'd just be fascinating and I could get her to sing to everyone and that would be amazing.

Can I have those three, please?

I mean, those are very strong characters.

Yeah.

I'd absolutely love to be at that meal.

And you're Lady and the Trampin at the end, remember?

Was that a question?

No, just to make just making sure you remember it.

Oh, I see.

Making sure you remember that this isn't.

James is giving you another, because you've picked very strong characters who'd who'd be wonderful

to have a conversation with.

But I think James is just reminding you that you're all going to have a big kiss in the middle of a paella at the end of the evening.

Well, I don't mind kissing any of you.

Yeah, yeah.

It'd be lovely.

I would like Frida Carlo's moustache to tickle my lips.

I think that would be very exciting.

Yes.

And I could stroke her monobrow, and that would also be very exciting.

Frida getting a lot of attention there, and the lady in the tramp kiss.

The other two getting a bit jealous.

Anita Simine would not stand for that.

She would not.

She might stand her foot.

Interesting though, coming onto the side dish though, isn't it?

Because the paella is one of those dishes that is its own thing, completely all-encompassing meal.

You don't really need a side dish with paella necessarily.

But of course, this is the dream restaurant, so you can have whatever you damn please, Mira.

I would like samphire.

Oh, yes.

And I think that would go very well with paella.

yeah yep and I've only discovered samphire recently because you know I didn't eat a prawn till I was 18 I was very slow to a lot of culinary things because you just didn't eat in the Midlands I remember my first prawn it was at the Acropolis Greek restaurant in Walsall near the bus station and I thought I've arrived

prawn and so samphire I only discovered oh gosh really recently maybe about eight nine years ago in Brighton someone took me to this amazing fish restaurant and said and they ordered some I said what is that and they went went, darling, you don't know what a samphire is?

I said, yeah.

And I ate it and I thought, I'm eating the sea.

This just tastes of the sea in the nicest way, not in a gritty, you know, mussely way, but just the freshness and the crispness.

And you hardly need to cook it.

You just sort of tickle it a bit in hot oil, a bit of lemon juice and garlic, and you're off.

And it's just.

just the best flavor and it's fresh.

It just always, and it's full of iron.

It's good for you.

It feels like it's good for you.

Yeah.

Doesn't it?

When you eat it, you're like, this is

delicious, but also it feels like it's doing me some good.

Yeah.

It feels like I've been for a swim.

Yeah, exactly.

And I love swimming.

So, yeah.

So I think it would go well with paella as well, actually.

Yeah, for sure.

Fishy theme.

Yes.

Oh, I love it.

Really, the main place I have samphire is Cricket.

We've got a Cricket sometimes, and they do this like deep-fried kind of samphire.

It's very nice, but it doesn't really taste of the sea because they deep-fry it and like it comes with some sauce and stuff.

But I had some proper, nice, fresh-tasting stuff at Shrimpster before we did our off-menu live shows at the Royal Festival Hall.

There was some food market outside and there's a place called Shrimpster.

They did all like shrimp stuff.

And I got the shrimpster burger that had like a bunch of deep-fried shrimp in it and then loads of samphire in a burger.

It was so delicious.

Really tasty with some, I think the sauce had like sriracha kind of mayo sauce.

It was amazing.

And Ed got, what did you get, Ed?

Sex in a pot or something?

It wasn't called sex in a pot.

No, I think there was sex in the name, but it was just the deep-fried shrimp that were in a pot.

But there's also

shrimp to sex pot, I think.

It wasn't called sex in a pot, though, which was your initial guess.

So I just went to the bottom of the camera.

I thought it was called something similar.

It had the words sex and pot in it.

I just wanted to let Mira know that I didn't specifically pick a dish called Sex in a Pot, which sounds awesome.

I was wondering, did you have to put your card keys in a bowl before you chose it?

In the pot, yeah, it's a big pot in the middle of the food market.

Yes, I had some sex in a pot, but then also I had another dinner as well so i doubled dinnered that night he doubled dinnered because he he got he got something else and then he came and met me outside shrimpster and went oh that looks nice actually and he got jealous so then he ordered himself a second dinner and then he really regretted it before he'd even eaten either one of them oh no why have i done this

and then ate both of them yeah yeah food envy is horrible though isn't it i hate food envy when you order something and someone else's dish comes oh no i've made a terrible mistake which i guess is the the other joy of the big communal foods is that you've all got the same thing so you can't have food envy unless someone's got like too many muscles on their side of the paella, which is annoying me already, just imagining it.

Oh, that's a point.

Are there muscles in this paella?

I mean, I'm not mega-keen on muscles, I have to say.

I think there's too much hassle.

Muscles aren't worth the hassle.

Yeah, I don't think so.

And it's horrible when they're sandy.

It just ruins everything.

You just get grit under your teeth.

Don't like it.

Well, obviously, those amazing big gumbas, those incredible, huge Mediterranean prawns you get.

I've thought of that.

I love squid.

Throwing some squid.

I'd enjoy that too.

i do i used to like octopus but i can't eat it anymore why not because since that film my octopus teacher i just couldn't eat an octopus now i like that film they're just really too intelligent to be like eating a dolphin you just couldn't do it what if a film came out tomorrow on netflix about a prawn that has got a degree do you know that would probably stop me eating prawns as well god damn it

it's just gonna by the end this is just gonna be a rice paella isn't it and just praying praying that it doesn't turn out that rice is clever.

Yeah.

You know what the weird thing about that octopus film was?

Yeah.

Is that at the end, when the octopus, spoiler alert, if you've not seen my octopus teacher, at the end, the octopus gets killed by some baddie fish or a shark or something.

And the guy just watches it and lets it happen because that's the code of like documentarians.

You have to just watch it, let it happen, don't interfere.

But for the whole film, he is hanging out with that octopus, like interacting with it constantly, and interfere.

Like his whole when he when he gets something out of it, and it's his friendship with the octopus and he loves it, makes him feel good.

He's hanging out with the octopus, touching the octopus, letting the octopus latch onto his arm, swimming around with it, playing with the octopus, doing all this stuff.

Then the octopus gets beaten by a shark.

He's like, Well, I mustn't interfere.

No, you're scared of a shark, mate.

That's what's going on.

And you're letting your friend get ripped to shreds.

And now you're going to win an Academy Award for it.

If I met him, I'd punch him in the head.

head.

Very aggressive today, James.

Yeah.

Yeah, because mentioned Stephen Graham earlier on.

Yeah.

That's why.

You're not hangry.

Are you hangry?

Maybe I'm a little bit hangry, but also I remembered Stephen Graham slamming Romish on Jonathan Ross.

And I remembered I owe him a piece of my mind.

I think you and Stephen Graham need to go for a big paella, James, and just eyeball each other for the whole thing while you're eating your way into the middle and then have a lovely old big kiss in the middle.

Oh, there'd be be some muscles in that paella pretty quickly because we'd be both be swimming around in it having a big old fight these muscles these guns

that'll be all in the mugs the paiella yeah we knew what you meant when when you said the muscles thing we knew what you were talking about but thanks for we knew what you meant but thanks for well thanks for flagging it up well you i wasn't getting the support that i thought i was gonna get

If Stephen Graham ever comes on this podcast, I'm gonna let him do his menu.

I'm gonna say you're not having any of that.

I'll tell you what you're having for dinner.

A knuckle sandwich, mate.

He is going to hear this, you know.

Yeah, he's never coming on this podcast.

I hope he does hear it.

He's the sweetest man.

He really is.

Well, I'll tell you what.

We'll see.

We'll see how sweet he is when I'm finished with him.

This first prawn that you had at the Acropolis in Walsey near the bus station mirror.

Yeah.

Why did you pick the prawn?

Did you think...

I've never had a prawn before.

This is going to be my big moment to have a prawn.

And do you remember how the first prawn tasted and how it was prepared?

prepared it was a prawn cocktail because it was you know the 80s so of course it was a prawn cocktail you know hanging out the jar with a little bit of pink mayonnaise and the bits of lettuce yeah and uh i just thought it's time i'm 18.

i've really got to do this i've got to eat a prawn i mean there were probably you know frozen prawns that had just been defrosted but didn't matter to me i just thought

Because I hardly ate any fish growing up.

We had fish fingers, but you know, you tend to cook the food that your mum cooks and that is influenced by the region you grew up in.

So my friends that lived in bits of India by the sea ate loads of fish, like South Indians.

But I'm North Indian Punjabi, landlocked.

And so a lot of our food was vegetarian, actually.

occasional bit of chicken but never fish so fish was an unknown thing to me and i don't know maybe that's why it's one of my favourite things now because i feel i have a lot of fish years to catch up on and i guess the cuisine uh is from a landlocked place so not a lot of fish and and then of course then you're living in the midlands even also landlocked as well even more landlocked so you're not going to get fresh prawns unless they've come straight off the bus in walsa well we were in the bus station so right

next to where the prawns were coming in yeah she's got this image of all these prawns getting off the bus

ready for a night out in walsa

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Hey, I'm Paige DeSorbo, and I'm always thinking about underwear.

I'm Hannah Berner, and I'm also thinking about underwear, but I prefer full coverage.

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Your dream drink.

I'm going to be really boring and not choose an alcoholic drink, but I will choose the drink.

And I love this drink because it's like a pushing.

It's Rose Lussie.

Rose favorite Lussie.

And you get it at Dishum.

See, I'm giving them a name check again, but whenever I go to Deshaum, that's what I have.

Now, you probably know what Lussie is.

It's a yogurt-based drink.

And you can have the healthy version, which is without sugar and flavouring.

And it's just sort of, you know, actually salty.

Yogurt mixed with water.

This is the naughty version, which has yummy things in it.

I love rose flavour anyway.

It's a very particular thing.

Some people can't stand it.

Turkish delighty kind of flavour.

I love it.

And there's something about this lussie that they make.

It's just gorgeous and very filling.

So it's, I order it, but I sort of have it as a pudding, even though it's a drink, because it's really filling.

And would you like it in a giant fish bowl and then everyone sits around with a big straw and you all drink it down?

Because I feel like everything else is communal now, right?

So, you're right, but I might draw the line at my lusty, okay?

Yeah, I might get a bit territorial about that.

Yeah, Joni's looking a bit offended, yeah.

Joni's not happy.

I've got back Joni, Joni will be having a whiskey for God's sake.

Now, we had one of our earlier episodes, series one years ago now.

Christian Guru Murphy was our guest, and he chose a mango lussie.

And Ed and I were like, oh, yeah, yo, we love mango lassies.

And he was like, you pronounce it lussy?

That's the way it's pronounced.

And then since then, Ed, it's more of a question for you almost, Ed.

Yeah.

I don't know if you've not.

So then throughout my life now, since then, I say lussie.

And sometimes it's become one of those things where if ever I'm talking to a friend or at a restaurant and someone says, I might get a mango lassie, actually, I do do that passive-aggressive thing where I go, yeah, I also might get a lussie.

I've become, I really enjoy it.

Yeah, so now all your friends go, You know, so James always repeats it and changes the way he says it, and then he never orders one.

He never wants one.

He just always says he might get one specifically to correct me, and then never gets one.

I don't think I've said lussie out loud since that episode.

I've never ordered one still.

I can't believe it.

My gosh, you should try it.

It's really nice.

And it sounds so delicious.

The Rose lussie sounds really good.

I'm going to tell my girlfriend about that.

She wouldn't have it because she loves Rose stuff.

But get this, Mira.

She's scared of yogurt.

How can you be scared of yogurt?

I've got no idea.

I'm petrified of it.

Absolutely petrified of yogurt.

The look of it, the smell of it?

The smell of it, the look of it, just the way it is, the texture of it.

Would she know that a lussie was made of yogurt?

Yes, I think she would know.

Yeah, Even though it's a bit like a milkshake, really, when you get it, you couldn't tell it was yogurt.

Yeah, she knows.

She knows when yogurt's hiding around the corner.

Yeah, she can sense yogurt.

My goodness, I know how she feels, though.

I'm a bit like that about skin, the skin on things.

Oh, that must be awful every morning when you wake up.

I like my skin.

The skin on top of boiled milk or

a custard actually makes me heave.

I can't bear how it looks.

I love custard.

Forget about the taste.

I wouldn't let let it anywhere near me.

I could eat a whole bag.

I could eat a whole bag of custard skin.

If you gave it to me, like little bits of custard skin, like crisp pardon.

That's what you do, isn't it?

If Stephen Graham was looking you right in the eye, you'd just, to freak him out, you just eat a whole bag of custard skin.

Yeah, I eat a whole bag of custard skin.

I'll go.

Problem?

How can you?

It's a...

But the texture, it's, oh, gosh.

Yeah, I'm with you, Mira.

I'm not, I'm not on board with that.

I think I want...

Because it just means it's been sitting there for a while, right?

The custard.

Yeah, that's just a sign that it should have been dealt with.

I've just remembered the last time I had a lussy, actually.

It was in lockdown, and I ordered a takeaway, and I ordered a lusty on it because I was feeling in the mood.

But what was annoying about that is that just me in my flat, I didn't get the chance to say it and show that I knew how to say it.

So when the delivery guy dropped it round,

I got it off him and I said, just to check, the lussy's in here, right?

He was like, yeah.

I was like, good, just checking that the lassie was in here goodbye

the thing is it's not impressive it well it's not impressive for a start and then it's not it's even less impressive when there's no one there saying it wrong so you would have needed someone else there to say is the lassie in there you go i'll check if the lussy's in there sorry about them yeah should have told my girlfriend to say that when he comes yeah i want you to shout from the living room make sure he's remember the lassie and i'll say uh she means the lussie and i'm imagining imagining you wearing a Neru colour when you're.

I know it's called Lassie.

She loves Iron Maiden, if you know what I mean.

Iron Maiden, fan.

I drink something.

I haven't had a

rose one ever.

Is it Rose or Rose one?

Rose.

Not a rose.

Rose.

Imagine a Rose Lussie.

Would you turn that down?

I think I would.

I don't think wine and yoghurt mix.

Call me old-fashioned, but

I think maybe not.

I think I'm with you, Mira.

I agree that wine and yogurt don't mix.

Disagreed over here.

If someone started releasing wine-flavoured yogurts,

I would try one at least.

Would you?

Yeah, all the different types of wine and all that.

A Malbeck, yogurt, a Shiraz yoghurt.

I would give it a go.

A champagne yog, I'd probably give a go.

Mira,

champagne yog?

Cherry liqueur yogurt.

Yeah, that would be nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good.

It would curdle, though.

Yeah.

How could you keep it from curdling?

I guess you'd have to maybe store it like a fruit corner, have the cherry look here in the little corner and then the yogurt and then mix it.

Chip it in at the last minute.

Then it would curdle in your stomach.

Yeah, I guess.

Which is even worse.

But I guess food's doing all sorts of stuff in our stomachs after we eat it.

And then you poo cheese.

That might be, you know, in an apocalyptic situation.

That's just the logical.

That's how it would go, right?

If Ed pooed cheese, he thought he would die to gone to heaven.

Yeah.

He would absolutely love it.

Like the ultimate Pez Dispenser.

I'd love that.

Yeah.

You're pooing straight onto a cracker.

Yeah.

I'd do all the different types.

Blue poo.

Yeah.

I'd do it.

Yeah, it'd be great.

I'd love it.

Smoky poo.

Honestly, if I could guarantee that it was just pure 100% cheese.

Yes.

I think that's my dream superpower.

Yeah, of course it is.

Yeah.

So glad we had this conversation.

You said poo cheese.

Hey.

I did, didn't I?

Can't blame two little boys for

getting carried away.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

I should really not have gone there.

Well, let's move on to your dessert now that I'm sure you feel like you'd really like to imagine a pudding now after that chat.

Yeah.

And do feel free, Mira, if you don't want anything sweet, you can have a poo board.

I can have a poo board.

Might as well.

Do you know if I think I'll go for the dessert?

Yeah, this is easy because I do have a favourite dessert and it's an eaten mess.

Oh, yeah.

I love meringue.

Oh, my gosh.

But I hate dry meringue.

I will not eat a dry.

If it's flowery or dry, forget it.

It's not meringue.

It's got to have that chewy, not quite cooked centre.

Thank you.

Absolutely.

And then I wouldn't want too much cream.

And I'm very, I've had really nice eaten messes without cream.

I've had it with yogurt, weirdly enough, like vanilla yoghurt or because you make a healthy version.

And then really nice summer fruits.

And what's really nice in Eaton Mess is a bit of passion fruit because it's a bit tart and it mixes well with the sweetness of the meringue.

My mouth's water.

Lovely.

I really love that pudding.

Do you know Eat a Mess was invented when someone had a Pavlova in the Midlands and someone asked for a bite of it and they went, yeah, here you go.

And then they smashed it all up and went, there you go, help yourself.

Help yourself to some.

True story.

Yeah.

That is quite brilliant rounding up.

You waited, you chewed it up and you went for it.

And that's awesome.

Not enough people, not not enough people come on this podcast and uh you know give credit where it's due and recognize the greatness yeah yeah it is good you saved it after the whole poo cheese thing i'm glad you brought it back around that would have been an awful taste to leave in the mouth yeah

awful image for people to imagine you pooing directly onto a cheese board

but um

yeah the eaten mess is nice um i think for me uh so eaten mess is delicious and uh people have chosen it on the podcast before and often gets you know people tee it up by saying it's just objectively the best dessert as well it's one of the ones that people who love it just see it as why would you ever choose anything else um for me i wish that it didn't have the word eaten in it because it just reminds me of uh the worst people in the world so i would like to change the name i think we should lobby for her to have the name changed that would be good yeah well which which area or institution would you like to call this yeah

maybe uh ketwin kettering Mess.

Well, yeah.

The thing is, the mess, really, wherever you change it to, the mess seems like an insult now, doesn't it?

Yeah, because Eaton Mess is just like, you know, a posh kid who's a bit scruffy being like, what am I like?

Yeah.

I'm a right mess today.

Whereas, yeah, call anyone else a mess.

It's like, you fucking, what are you saying about this?

Is this you throwing down the glove to are you going to call it a Stephen Graham mess?

He would be in a mess when I finished.

I tell you what.

I'm telling you, it's going to get back to him.

I'm just telling you.

I hope it does.

I tell you what, I deliver this first class to him.

That's what you get when you make fun of Romesh.

I've got it for loss.

We could google it a romesh.

Oh,

lovely.

I like that.

Lovely.

I would love to call it that.

Definitely.

And then it becomes something nice.

Yeah.

Do you want to put any?

Would you like to put any mango in it?

Because then we can call it a Romesh manga Nathan.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, I would.

Just because of that.

But also, I have had mango in the eaten mess and it's great.

Oh, good.

Well, that's perfect then.

I'm glad the pun and the dish were.

We've done.

Oh what a lovely that's a lovely meal.

I'm going to read back your menu to you now and

we'll see how you feel about it.

Always nice to hear it back.

Water.

You want sparkling water with ice and thinly cut slices of lime.

Poplars of bread, you chose a warm crusty roll or a French baguette with butter.

Starter, chart from Deshoom.

Main course.

Seafood paella from the Barcelona Beach Restaurant.

Side of samphire and drink.

Rose lassie.

Rose Rose Lusie.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I said lussy.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

It did.

I can't believe it.

Oh, and Benigo definitely want to edit that out because it makes me look like an idiot.

I'm dead.

So sorry, James.

Yes, lussie.

I believe it's called Lussie.

Oh, thank you, Ed.

No worries.

At least you know now.

Rose Lassie.

I'm just shooting.

Dessert.

You want

a raw mess mango nathan

with some passion fruit as well.

Yeah.

Yes.

Very happy with that.

Oh, that sounds absolutely delicious.

That is a great menu.

Mira, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

That's a wonderful menu.

Thank you very much for talking to us.

And I can't apologise enough about the poo board.

What a note to end on.

Cheers, Mira.

Well, there we are.

A wonderful menu from Mira.

Lovely to listen to you absolutely sign your death warrant over the course of the podcast.

As if I was signing a death warrant, not my own.

I feel you know whose death warrant I just signed.

You're going down.

He's going to eat you.

He's going to take you down and eat you.

Oh, best of luck.

If he eats me, I'm going to beat him up from the inside from his stomach.

We will all look forward to watching that, of course.

Thank you very much, Mira, for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Wonderful stuff.

Thank you so much.

Very delicious menu.

I do want to eat that now.

Yeah, really delicious.

And everyone, make sure you watch series two of Code 404, a Sky Original, all episodes available from the 1st of September, which means that it's already out.

Yes.

On Sky Comedy and on Now.

It's available now on Now.

Yeah, very clever that they called it that, actually.

This works out quite well for them, actually.

Yeah.

Do we have anything else to say, James?

She didn't pick in English, I suppose.

Yeah, thank you for not picking in English, Mira.

Yeah.

It would have have been a shock if she had, though.

Imagine she'd just like, for a laugh, gone my main courses, nodded to one of my most famous sketches that I did with Goodness Gracious Me, and we'd be like,

okay,

could I have the blandest thing on the menu, please?

Yes.

We'd be like, that's a lovely callback, Mira, but you do know how to leave.

Thank you very much for listening to Off Menu.

We will be back next week with another hot steaming podcast.

Wash your plates.

Bye.

Hello, my name's Rob Orton, and I do the Rob Orton Daily Podcast.

The Rob Orton Daily Podcast is a daily podcast that is quite short, some are two minutes long, some are ten minutes long, and they are stories and poems and basically all the thoughts I've ever had that I like enough to want to share with people.

And the Roboton podcast is available on Apple, ACAST, Spotify, all the other places where you normally get your podcasts, and on social media, it is at Roboton Podcast.

Thank you.

Hey, I'm Paige DeSorbo, and I'm I'm always thinking about underwear.

I'm Hannah Berner, and I'm also thinking about underwear, but I prefer full coverage.

I like to call them my granny panties.

Actually, I never think about underwear.

That's the magic of Tommy John.

Same, they're so light and so comfy, and if it's not comfortable, I'm not wearing it.

And the bras, soft, supportive, and actually breathable.

Yes, Lord knows the girls need to breathe.

Also, I need my PJs to breathe and be buttery soft and stretchy enough for my dramatic tossing and turning at night.

That's why I live in my Tommy John pajamas.

Plus, they're so cute because they fit perfectly.

Put yourself on to Tommy John.

Upgrade your drawer with Tommy John.

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See site for details.

Hello, I'm Carriad.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.