Ep 111: Emily Atack

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much.

And enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast, grabbing a fish fresh from the ocean of chat, dunking it into the deep fryer of humor, and sprinkling it with the salt of giggles.

Hello, James.

What's the fish doing in the ocean of chat?

Oh, I don't know.

It got lost.

It was in the real ocean and then it got lost and ended up in the ocean.

No, the ocean of chat has fish in it.

And I guess the fish represents a topic of conversation.

Oh, yeah.

I love it.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, and then you get it out and then you fry it in the fryer of humor and then you sprinkle over the giggles.

I love that.

Thanks, man.

It's a food podcast.

That's why I did that.

It's sort of linked to food, food and humor.

It's a food podcast with Ed Gamble and James Acaster.

Yes, correct.

We invite a guest to the Dream Restaurant every week, and we ask them the favourite ever start a main course, side dish, drink, and dessert.

That's exactly what we do.

And our special guest this week is Emily.

Emily A-Tac

is an actor, a presenter.

She's got her own show on ITV too, where she does like stand-up and sketches and all of that sort of thing.

She was in the in-betweeners, James.

So what a CV.

That's a lot of stuff.

A lot of stuff to talk about.

Multi-talented.

But knowing us, we won't be talking about any of that in any way whatsoever because we'll be too busy talking about food, probably like making fun of her a bit.

Yeah.

Unless it really looks like she's getting upset and then we'll reel it in.

Yeah,

but that's normally what happens, right?

Yeah, normally.

Normally things go into the gutter at some point.

I normally take it there and I'd like to apologise for that, but I will never change.

Yeah.

That's the best kind of apology.

Yes.

here's what we won't apologize for though if em and the a tac chooses a secret ingredient an ingredient that me and ed don't like we'll chuck her out of the dream restaurant and she won't get any dinner correct and this week's secret ingredient is salt and shake salt crisp and shake crisps so disappointing

i remember them in school a little kid being like hey check these out and he showed me the salt and shake and i thought it looked so cool And then I had a crisp.

And I was like, right.

Well, you're an idiot.

Yeah, there's no coverage of salt on these these crisps what they've done there is they've left the most important job up to you yeah as a kid and you're never gonna do it because you don't work in a crisp factory no you have the means so all that happens you shake it yeah and then all the salt floats to the bottom anyway floats to the bottom floats to the bottom you know and James isn't a man of science but he knows that salt floats downwards salt floats to the bottom of the packet I'll be honest the first time I had them my mum put them in my lunch box I don't think she really knew what they were and I ate the whole bag of plain crisps and then found the sachet at the bottom.

Yes.

And then what did you do with the sachet of salt?

I probably ate the sachet.

Yeah, I bet you did.

If I could sum up my childhood in one word, it would be consumption.

Yep.

I bet you ate the salt, sachet of salt.

I bet you made this noise.

Yeah,

I definitely did that.

And then some music went.

Yeah.

You had a big mouthful of salt.

Well,

this is exciting.

If MBA cat chooses this salt and shake crisps, we will chuck them out.

Yes, we will.

So, without further ado, let's hear the off-menu menu of Emily Attack.

Emily Atac.

Welcome, Emily Atac, to the Dream Restaurant.

Hi!

That's high-pitched, doesn't it?

That was really high-pitched.

Sorry about that.

A lot of stuff happened there.

Welcome, Emily A-Tac, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Oh, I'm so chuffed.

I'm so chuffed to be here.

Thank you.

It was a very high-pitched high, and you were aware of it.

You came in high-pitched, and then the genie arrived.

A lot of stuff went on very quickly.

Do you normally go in with a high-pitched high?

I do when I'm kind of...

Because this for me is really exciting, this doing this podcast.

So it's almost like a nervy thing of going, hi, and then realizing and now I'm embarrassed.

I've drawn attention to it even more.

Yeah.

I'm glad we're talking about it though.

It's fine.

Get it out there.

Apologies for that.

Let's put you at ease of a bit of bonding.

You and me both have hard A's at the start of our surnames.

Oh, we do, don't we?

Yeah.

Ata.

I was always so shocked.

I was always the first on the register at school.

It was the best thing ever.

It was like, ah, I'm first.

Who was second?

Do you remember?

Oh, no.

Don't know.

Can't remember.

Shout out Daniel Behan.

Is that who was second on your register, James, rather than you don't weirdly know the details of Emily's school register?

No, Daniel Behan was in my primary school class and then was even in my form group in secondary school.

So it was always A castor Behan, one after the other, hard A, hard B.

Nice.

I always felt sorry for a lad in my class called Pharaoh because he was a bit further down the line and I'm thinking,

rubbish.

But surely not at the end.

Well, it was a small class.

It was a small class, James.

Really small.

I meant what, your class stopped at F.

Yeah,

it is.

Actually, no, it was a guy called...

No, no, just remember there was a guy called Ward.

He was last.

But he didn't get your sympathy for some reason.

Yeah.

You were feeling sorry for Pharaoh, but Ward's sitting there, like, what?

Look at me.

Well, big shout out and wait till you see how sorry you feel for this guy in my school, Zubada.

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Rock bottom of the register.

That's a cool name, though.

Zubada.

I like it.

Also, got to draw attention to something that me and Ed have just seen, but the listener haven't.

Why are you drinking out of a cup the size of your head?

Is it quite big?

That is human lungs.

I honestly thought you hailed it right up to the camera there, but it is just a massive cup.

Yeah, and also it's really difficult to find objects that are bigger than my head.

So I think that's why I've chosen it because my head is so fucking massive.

So finding something to make my head look smaller is kind of the aim here.

So you always hold big objects?

Always, always on a Zoom, especially on a Zoom, because Zoom really kind of enlarges the head, especially if I've been on the booze like all weekend.

Like my head inflates by like five sizes.

So since the pubs have reopened since, you know, the 12th of April, my God, I think it's inflated about 27 sizes.

Yeah, they're letting people indoors, but that's not going to be an option for you, unfortunately.

I'll have it in the beer garden still.

My head's massive.

Give it to me in as big a glass as you've got so I can, you know, try and perspective trick this absolute nightmare.

I'll have a pint of Guinness in a sports direct mug, please.

My uncle calls it the booze valve.

You know, if you have been drinking too much and your face is really inflated and you have to like pierce a bit of skin there and then it just goes

the booze valve.

Has he got a big head as well?

Is this a thing in your family?

Yeah, really, yeah.

It's a thing in the family.

Everyone's got a big, massive fucking head.

Yeah.

Well, everyone's on the telly, so it's a very sort of telly family.

And I think lots of people on telly have big heads.

It is a thing.

Like people say to me in real life, people go, oh my God, like your head is massive.

Yes.

But I sometimes sometimes get really pleased with that because I sort of go, does that mean I've got a tiny body?

Yeah.

It's interesting because normally what people say is when they meet someone famous, oh, they're a lot shorter than I realized.

Yeah.

With you guys, it's, aren't their heads bigger than they look on the television?

Honestly, that's what everyone says to me.

Like, guys, even have said it to me before.

They're like, no, like, she is fit, but her head is fucking massive.

Part of my ignorance here.

Oh, I would like a rundown of all of your family who are on the telly.

Oh, my God.

I think I know.

So

you give you give james the rundown and i was going to say i've never thought any of you have big heads i'm going to put that out there now although i'm enjoying making fun of you for having a big head even though i don't think you have one when you see us in real life trust me it is the massive head brigades it's mental

we saw your sister a minute ago helping you set up the laptop big head enormous

so big enormous yes we haven't even touched the surface on the the forehead yet everyone always says to me i've got like a nine head yeah so you just pulled your hair back there what you're doing there is you're pulling your hair back and obscuring the hair So, yeah, I mean, I think everyone's head.

I mean, I do have quite a big head anyway, but everyone's head looks quite big if you do that.

Yeah, I mean, what I'm mainly struck by when you do that is just how absolutely pristine your skin is.

Is it?

Do you think?

Here he comes from here.

James loves skin, and that came out creepier than I thought it would.

Oh my god, that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a really long time.

Hey, no problem.

Sorry that Ed hasn't been paying any compliments.

To balance it out, it's lucky your skin's pristine because there's so much of it on that head.

Yeah.

How many bottles of moisturizer do you use

on your fucking head in the morning?

A lot.

E45, more like E145 at the moment.

Well, he's good.

The thing is, he's got it within him.

It's good that he conceals it a lot of the time.

James still doesn't know who and your family is on the television, so you've got to put him out his misery now, Emily.

Well, to be honest, I think you're a bit young.

It's more like your parents might know kind of who my mum is my mum's sort of been around for a while she's called kate kate robbins she's a comedian actress all-round show off my uncle ted ted robbins has been in the business for a really long time you know ted robbins james oh yeah he's just one of those all-rounders he's kind of been around for um you know really long time yeah i know kate robbins yeah

of her with paul mccartney here oh yes so i'm related to paul mccartney as well oh congrats i wasn't i wasn't going to mention that one because that's really showing off

And now you've mentioned it.

What a massive head Paul McCartney's got.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, yeah, no.

And if you actually look, there's a similarity.

Like, my sister looks a lot like the McCartney.

My sister's got the McCartney gene a lot.

Yeah, Paul McCartney is my grandma's cousin.

Wow.

That mug, every time you put it up.

That's what the wow is about.

Not the McCartney link.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought I didn't give a shit about Paul McCartney, but look at that mug.

What's in it?

It's a coffee.

I don't really love coffee that much, but I'm a bit like a child.

And

I only drink coffee like if I'm not allowed to have alcohol, I have to have something to give me like a whoosh.

So I'll have a bit of that before, you know, like something like this.

Keeps my little brain ticking away, you know.

Little brain picking?

Yeah, sadly.

We always start with still or sparkling water at the start of the meal.

You got a preference?

Sparkling.

Yeah, definitely sparkling.

If it's still i want to i'm one of those annoying people i now sort of put cucumber in it and a bit of mint uh-huh even at home yeah this is at home i sort of do that that's kind of like one like a grown-up thing that i do i feel really grown up when i do that i also know that i'm looking after myself when i kind of put cucumber in water you know but yeah first choice sparkling because then you it's it's a bit more fun isn't it you sort of feel like you're having a bit of pop edge do you hate cucumber in water yes I absolutely hate it.

He's voiced this before.

He hates it.

I like it.

I think it's nice.

I'm with you.

Yeah, it's nice.

The hard A's sticking together here it's just you get just a slight like tiny little hint of it when you when you drink it do you like cucumber in general yeah i like i like cucumber but you know cucumber is mainly water anyway isn't it so good point yeah i have a slice of cucumber fine but i don't want that that i think it tastes more cucumber tastes more cucumbery when you put it in water than it does when you have a slice of cucumber and i like the taste of water anyway i don't need to mess with water okay fair enough icy water icy water yeah i see dead people i see that's exactly what i thought i thought you said icy That's what I thought was going on there.

Icy water.

Yeah, we all do, Emily.

That's not a...

She's showing off.

It's not a paranormal skill.

We can all see it.

Slice of lemon, maybe.

Slice of lemon, but not with sparkling water.

I don't like to mess around with it too much.

Loads of ice and maybe a bit of lemon, but

not bothered without it either.

So, yeah.

Well, hold on, no.

So, because you add stuff in it, so you said lemon, you said cucumber, you said mint.

Is there anything else that you would add to a glass of water?

And when we've got the full list of stuff you would add to a glass of water, I'm going to need you to rank them worst to best.

Okay.

I also go a little bit mad sometimes and put sliced strawberry in my still water.

Oh, wow.

But the thing is, you can't leave it in there for too long because the strawberries start to kind of go a bit soft and a bit.

This is just like if you're going to drink the still water with all the things in it, you have to drink it quite quickly because you just get a nice hint of the flavours of the bits that are in there, but then it doesn't get all mushy and little bits start flying around it and it's chaos.

so yeah but i would say the first choice would be cucumber yeah and then lemon and then strawberry sometimes i put it all in together like a non-alcoholic pims yeah yeah i think i think i like the vibe of it i like i like a vibe so like a glass of like if someone asks me for if i want a glass of water i'm kind of like oh like because i feel like if someone's trying to get me to drink water they're trying to stop me from having fun

so like i i've just i felt that growing up it was always like a glass of water meant that i was having a tantrum or or if just like I've realized I haven't had a glass of water for a few days and it's like I just have to drink a bit of water.

But kind of now in my 30s, I'm realizing water is very important.

So I try and drink it more.

But yeah, I think I'm adding things to the water out of protest to try and make it more interesting because I definitely relate water with being dull.

Yeah.

Right.

See, that to me sounds like a lot of hassle.

Like every time I have a glass of water, I have to get the cucumber out, slice up a strawberry, do all that.

The vibe.

Vibe.

I think you can have too much vibe.

I think that probably says a lot about me.

Sometimes I don't want a vibe.

I just want a glass of water.

Completely fair.

And James knows I'm a glugger as well.

You've never seen someone glug it like it.

I mean, just ridiculous.

Are you one of those?

Do you love what?

Joel Dummett, who obviously you guys know very well, he constantly has a go at me for not drinking enough water.

And all he talks about is how much he loves water.

He's like, I love it so much.

I love water.

I just love it.

To always say how much he fucking loves water.

I was like, yes, I get the hint.

I remember when we were doing extra extra camp together and we were away in Australia.

He was always checking to see that I was drinking water.

And his rule is: if you pick up a bottle of water, you have to finish it.

You're not allowed to put it down.

I'm like, I can't do that.

Yeah, yeah, that's mad.

Finish a bottle of water.

For one, Joel Don Met has no right to dictate to anyone what they should be drinking

or eating at all because his history on this podcast is

pretty poor.

Everyone absolutely hates him.

So

you can't tell you to do that.

Also, that is such a Joel thing to do, to be like, the rule is, if you pick up a water, you have to drink the whole water.

It's such a Joel Dombit rule, which I love him for.

To put a game or a rule onto basic stuff is very Joel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And again, it's just, it's made me, it made me associate water with being boring because, again, I feel like I'm being told to drink it.

I'm being told to finish the bottle of water.

So if I'm being told to do it, I'm not going to do it.

Buy a pretty fun guy, though, right?

Yeah.

Joel Dobbit's a pretty fun.

Yeah, it must have seemed less square when Joel Dobbit's telling you to drink it, surely.

I was just trying to get him to drink alcohol the entire time we were away, bless him.

Poor bastard, yeah, with your massive head going through the jungle.

Please, Joel,

have some booze with me, but please make my head inflate by three sizes.

Pop and absorb bread,

pop it up's or bread, Emily Atan.

Pop and Umzor bread.

Okay,

I was up very late last night thinking about this.

Um, I had nightmares about it because,

but is it if I'm having Indian food, I'll have poppadoms.

Sure.

But I'm having bread if it's anything else, bread.

But like, quite simple, I like a bit of oil, a bit of balsamic vinegar, tiny crunch of salt.

That's my bread.

I don't have butter on my bread.

What, ever?

Not really.

Wow.

This might be a first on the podcast.

I'm scared because...

I'm already scared that I'm eating an entire like focaccia or something.

That scares me.

So I'm scared of putting butter on it because I'm already eating a focaccia bigger than my head.

So

the butter is adding.

I think I'm a girl and I think about, I think about calories and all that shite.

Actually, no, I don't when I'm out having dinner.

Well, you don't have to think about that in the dream restaurant.

Okay, butter.

All right.

No, no, because actually, I don't,

no, I don't, I actually don't think with olive oil and balsamic, you don't need butter, surely.

No, no, that's fair.

But if you prefer olive oil and balsamic, that's what you should have.

Yeah, if you genuinely prefer it.

Yeah, I think I'm just going to admit that I prefer olive and balsamic over butter.

I think.

Would you do this at home as well?

Is this something you do at home?

Yeah, I love it.

I love it so much.

Putting a bit of, because things in little bowls make me really happy.

And again, it's like vibing.

I love like little bowls of nice things.

And if I see like a little bowl of balsamic and oil mixed together, lovely, that makes me really happy.

I like that a lot.

I feel like you're doing things at home that not many other people would make the step to do at home.

You're doing restaurant flourishes in a home cooking setting, which is very impressive.

I love cooking and I like making those little vibes for myself.

Like, if I pour a glass of wine, I have like a tiny little bowl of nuts with it.

And that's, I think that's why I can't be asked to just drink a glass of water because with a glass of water, I'm not going to make myself a tiny little bowl of nuts because the water is just keeping me alive.

There's no fun to it.

It's like, if it's a glass of wine, it's like, oh, should I have a bowl of olives with it as well?

Then take a picture of it, put it on Instagram.

Lovely.

Yeah.

How much traction does that get

you'd be surprised you'd be surprised

um well it's not it's not a picture of my tits so actually probably nothing but um but um yeah that would be awful no likes for a picture of a bowl of olives well even sadder would be no likes for a picture of some tits yeah that would be sad wouldn't it that would be sadder right that'd be a bigger hit to the ego yeah no it would you're right you're very right very who cares if people like the olives or not if i put a picture of my butt on instagram i'd want people to like it i wouldn't care about the olives picture.

No, it's right.

I remember when that Instagram first sort of came out, and I was sort of trying to gauge like what was popular to put up.

And I realized people like pictures of food, don't they?

They like sort of seeing little pleasing bowls of things and

drinks and stuff.

And I was still, I was sort of trying to do it.

I thought, right, if I put a picture of my poached egg, is that going to get likes?

And then I just realized, no, it is just a pick of the toots.

Watch the likes roll in.

So I gave up on putting poached eggs on my fucking Instagram.

No fucking point.

yeah I don't follow you on Instagram I'm not on Instagram myself but I'm now imagining your timeline is just like loads loads of pictures of food and then suddenly it just completely changes and I've got to say Emily I don't follow you on Instagram and you do realize after this conversation there is no way I can yes it's right not bare tits just you know but it's impossible for Ed to follow you without you thinking oh it's impossible for you to get that notification saying Ed Gabler's followed you on Instagram without thinking oh right yeah, I see.

Yeah, I guess it's olives from now on in.

Yeah, get the poached eggs back.

Yeah.

Also, quite interesting, just before we move on, nice to know that James thinks of his butt as his tits.

Yes, the butt.

I did think that the butt is the male tits.

Yeah, it's a cleavage, isn't it?

It's a cleavage.

Yeah.

Look, you know, at the end of the day,

I just kind of think if someone sent me a picture of their tits, I think it would be a little bit hardcore to go straight in with a D shot.

And I think what I would do in response would be a photo of my butt.

I've got the funniest image in my head.

Do you think anyone in that scenario would then send you something back?

If they, you know, were kind enough to send you a picture of themselves in that scenario and they received a butt pick back again.

Yeah.

Do you think then that conversation's carrying on?

Yeah.

Well, the ball is in their court.

Oh, is that there as well?

This is one.

Just by accident.

Yeah.

Sometimes.

Tuck between the legs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pop it through.

Little something.

Little sneak.

Three of you.

Yeah.

You've got a funny story about someone sending their butts to their girlfriend, haven't you, Ed?

I know you were pressing me for that.

I'm not sure.

Oh, go on.

Someone I sort of know once sent a butt pick to his girlfriend to spice up the relationship, and she broke up with him almost exactly after that.

Oh my god, no.

Was it but was it because his bum was really bad or was it because she was like, well, this is just...

I just think it's I think it's weird to send a bum pick.

Bum pick is a very bold choice.

I'm always scared of man's bums.

Like,

you know the little walk?

You know the little walk on the way out?

If you've just like...

I don't even know if you can air this.

On the way out.

On the way out to the bathroom, you know, when you're lying in bed and then they walk off to the bathroom to have a week?

I always get really scared to look because I'm scared.

I'm like, I want to see what his bum looks like, but I'm really scared.

What are you scared of, Emily?

What are you frightened you're going to see?

I'm just scared.

I'm just like, what's it going to look like is it gonna be hairy is it gonna not be hairy is it gonna have something weird on it or is it is it gonna put me off them is it weird on it because of a spider look at the taradula sitting up crawling out of it

but you know like i don't know like oh bums are scary i get scared of bums what's the worst thing you could see on a man's bum yes that would scare you the most what are you most worried about seeing on a bum um

like a piece of

Well, it's the right answer.

A piece of shit.

There was a moment there where James was so taken aback and then thought about it and was clearly like, well, yeah, obviously that is a way.

Going, well,

my initial response in my head was, oh dear, why say that?

And then I went, no, it's absolutely the right answer.

Especially if you've been laying in bed with this man who's like, I'll just go pop to the bathroom and there's an actual piece of shit

just on his bum.

I mean, yeah, I mean, I laughed immediately because that's exactly my humour.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I absolutely loved it.

Oh, my God.

I'm actually crying.

See, I'm crying at the thought of the horrible shitty bum.

Yeah, that would be very bad.

I was gonna ask, what's the best thing you can see on his bum?

But

it's a nice, clean bum.

Nice, clean button.

That's what you want, isn't it?

Your dream starter.

Okay, I'm gonna sound like a basic bitch, but it's for me.

This is the consistent, lovely, reliable, boring boyfriend of starters.

And it's a prawn cocktail.

Not just like, and I don't think I've ever had a prawn cocktail, but you know, I know, and also, because I was going to say,

only when it's like the nice,

the nice giant.

You say you've just never, you've never had a prawn cocktail, Emily.

No, never had a bad prawn cocktail.

So I've never had a bad one.

No.

Because that was a big swing.

Because initially, you said, I've never had a prawn cocktail.

Never had one.

No,

I've never had a bad one.

And

I was going to say it has to be a bit of a posh one, but actually, I've remembered all the times in my life when I've just had really nice basic ones.

Because also with starters, I panic.

I really, really panic because I'm so obsessed with food and I'm so obsessed with going out to eat.

And I'm one of those psychos that studies the menu back to front, even if I know the menu.

And the starter is very important because you're so hungry, but you, what you want to order, like something massive, but something that's probably going to destroy your main course because you've eaten too much bread and olives and all of that.

But I think a porn cocktail, it's light, you know, it doesn't, it doesn't fill you too much.

There's not too much bread on it.

And yeah, just I really like a porn cocktail.

And I just, I've got a nice sort of sentimental memory of these particular prawn cocktails.

I used to go to Portugal with my parents.

I was really young and my brother and sister.

And that was when I was kind of introduced to them.

My mum would get us all a prawn cocktail each.

And I felt a bit grown up with my little sparkly dress on and my, my, you know, my clumpy little, little baby heels.

Sound like a weird child, but yeah.

And it was just a really nice memory.

And yeah, we'd be in Portugal and we'd have these lovely little prawn cocktails.

Yeah.

And I just i love them you said grown up and i think that's the key word for a prawn cocktail as a child having a prawn cocktail must feel so grown up you feel like yeah that's a proper adult starter i think yeah and i used to i used to get annoyed with my mum because she would like she knew that i was going to have a prawn cocktail whatever we uh restaurant we went to so she'd go Emily, do you want your porn cocktail?

I want to say it to my son that I'm having a prawn cocktail.

Like to the waiter, I'd be so chuffed with myself, like looking up at the waiter going, I have a porn cocktail, please.

That was like my thing.

So I was like, to mum, back off, bitch.

I am saying this myself.

But the Thousand Island sauce, that has got to have a nice, nice squeeze of lemon in there, but not too much.

And yeah, I love it.

Do you like a porn cocktail?

Yeah, I like them.

I don't think I'd ever choose it necessarily.

But I have had them in the past and enjoyed them.

They feel, have they come back into fashion?

Because they were old-fashioned for a bit.

And now they probably came back in.

Yeah,

they're probably a bit old-fashioned.

But yeah, they're just, they're consistent.

Yeah.

And I've never I've never had a bad one.

And sometimes nowadays I do go a little bit too um I go I go for like the strangest thing on a menu.

And sometimes I just I sort of say to myself, stop trying to be clever.

Just order what you want deep down.

I didn't have a prawn cocktail until I was in my twenties.

Maybe 25, 25 years old.

And until then, it was just a flavour of crisp to me.

That was all.

It was of crisp flavour.

For ages I didn't really understand, you know, I didn't really question that prawn cocktail.

And it's like it didn't even taste like prawns, but like I loved prawn cocktail crisps, absolutely loved them.

And then I remember being on tour with Josie Long in a little BB in Scotland, and I saw a prawn cocktail on the menu.

And I didn't say it out loud because I very quickly figured out that it must have always been a thing and it probably predated the crisps.

But in my head, I was like, oh man, it's an actual dish.

Yeah.

It's an actual thing.

So I ordered it there and then.

Oh, so the first day you had a prawn cocktail was also the first first day you found out that it wasn't just a crisp flavor.

Yes.

Really?

Yeah, genuinely.

I hadn't seen it on any menus, and I hadn't talked about it with people.

I had prawn cocktail crisps, I never said to anyone why they called prawn cocktail.

Never asked it, never came up anywhere until I was 25.

Well, because if you actually think about the words prawn cocktail, if you actually think about that, that doesn't sound very nice, does it?

You sort of weird, yeah.

Yeah, it sounds weird because a cocktail is, it means a mix of stuff.

And I don't really, you don't really want prawns to be mixed with too many mad things so yeah it does sound a bit weird but yeah god I can't believe that you didn't have one until you're 25 wow was there anything else that you were confused by they bring you fish and chips and they were like do you want salt and vinegar on your chips you're like what yeah

I probably did make that link at one point I bet I bet there was a time when I went to the chippy and they said salt and vinegar and I was like aha because they're made of potatoes as well this is the best I see where these crisp companies get the ideas from now because really the prawn cocktail crisp are just 1000 island sauce flavour aren't they really yeah why is it called 1000 island dressing i'm looking it up are there a thousand islands do they all contribute an ingredient each to the dressing according to the oxford companion to american food and drink the dressing's name comes from the thousand islands region located along the upper st lawrence river between the united states and canada so it's the name of a region is called thousand islands and that's where the dressing comes from it's not uh a thousand different islands all with their own spoon making one dressing right thousand island bottled stuff isn't as nice.

I think

the fresher, the better.

And when you start pissing around with it, people start putting weird things in it.

No, I think it just has to be very basic.

It's ketchup and mayo, isn't it?

A little bit of lemon.

And yeah, keep it simple.

Oh my God.

I used to go to Pizza Hut when I was little and the salad bars at Pizza Hut.

Do you remember the salad bars?

You go up there and load that bowl.

Yeah.

And like, you didn't want your pizza afterwards because you had so much of that in the beginning.

And there was a nice Thousand Island sauce they had there.

And I used to cover everything in that sauce.

You've transported me there.

I'm remembering the black plastic little ladle that you could get a surprising amount of dressing into.

And the little bacon bits.

The little bacon bits.

I would mainly have those.

I'd have a bowl of dressing, some cheese, some bacon bits and a beaten salad with no vegetables in it.

Here's a question for you about the Pizza Hut buffet.

You loved it for a starter Emily.

Would you ever think a second trip to the buffet was an acceptable dessert?

Having a salad with some croutons in there and bacon.

Would you think that was a dessert?

No.

No, wouldn't be.

It definitely wouldn't be your dream meal dessert, would it?

No, absolutely not.

No, no, no, no, no.

So, in case Daisy May Cooper's listening to this, well, James, we recorded that episode maybe two years ago.

You've got to let it go, man.

No, absolutely.

Can't let it go.

Every time someone brings up the Pizza Hut Buffet, I think about that.

And I think someone actually had that as their dream dessert once.

She was only doing it to annoy you.

She was only doing it to annoy you.

And it's works for so long.

It's going to work for much longer as well.

Good news for Daisy.

To the day I die, I'm going to be angry about that.

I can see it in your eyes.

Like you're kind of sort of trailing off with your eyes, reliving it and getting really cross.

What's the difference between Thousand Island dressing and Mary Rose sauce?

Oh, good point.

I don't know.

Do you know the answer to that?

I think one of them has salad cream and one of them has mayo.

Well, the recipes I'm getting up here have both got mayonnaise in them.

Oh.

See, that's why I love a Mary Rose or a Thousand Island dressing because I'm a condiment queen.

I love condiments so much.

And it's basically just all of them mixed together, isn't it?

All the ones you like.

You're a condiment queen.

I am a mash king.

Are you?

This is exciting.

Best at making the mashed potato.

In one pub in the 90s, he was the mash king, yeah.

Well, it was early 2000s.

Mid-2000s, actually, to be fair to me.

But yeah, very good at it.

Well, you might hate this, but I actually...

I love sweet potato mash.

Sweet potato mash is my thing.

I know if you're a real true potato lover, people get a bit cross when you say about sweet potatoes.

People are like, sweet potatoes have taken over.

But I love sweet potatoes.

I'm obsessed with sweet potatoes and I love making sweet potato mash.

And any kind of mash, whether it's sweet potato or a regular mash, I put loads of horseradish in it, loads of butter and loads of horseradish.

Delicious.

We have been told by our producer, the Great Bonito, that the sauces are the same, Mary Rose and Fountain Island dressing, but it is Mary Rose that is usually associated with the prawn cocktail, whereas Fountain Island dressing is often used in a Reuben sandwich.

Oh my God, I'm so hungry now, thinking about that.

Apologies, because we are going to ask you more questions about food.

It's only going to get worse, that feeling.

What size prawns do you want in your prawn cocktail?

Because obviously you've spoken about these posher ones that come with like six big prawns around the outside and then all the lettuce and dressing in the middle.

But then a traditional sort of more 70s prawn cocktail would be those little frozen prawns, the way you eat them, and they don't really taste of anything.

But then there's a little bit of water at the bottom that tastes of the sea.

Yeah.

Oh my God, heaven.

I think, well, I like both.

I'm going to be greedy and say, because this is my dream prawn cocktail, I would have both.

I would have the small prawns with all the lettuce and everything in the middle.

And then I'd have the big, and also, you never get enough big ones.

They're always a bit stingy, aren't they?

And you get one or two, but I'd have all of them with a little bowl at the side with the hands.

The only thing I don't like, I don't like having the admin of picking food apart when I'm out with my sparkly dress and my little heels on.

I don't want my hands to smell.

So I don't really like doing that.

But I would still do it for the prawn cocktail because I love it.

Well, no, you don't have to.

We can work out a system here.

Oh, really?

Whether it's we get someone to shell them for you

or we can provide sort of snooker referee gloves that you can use maybe.

Okay, because I think for the visuals, it's nice, isn't it, when they all come with the heads on and things like that.

But if we're talking practically, I would rather everything come ready for me to just absolutely dive straight into.

Shame though, because then you don't get the fun of, you know, because after doing all that, you get to put your hands in the little the little bowl with the lemon in it, and then you get to down that the water, don't you?

Oh my god, that is right.

You've been doing that, have you?

Well, it's a little a little drink at the end, isn't it?

You get a little like gaspature at the end before fishy finger water.

Yeah, you don't want to fish finger water, thank you.

No,

James, do you really do you do that, do you?

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

Imagine, imagine if someone did that on a date.

If I was on a date and a guy did that, but didn't even acknowledge that he was doing it, I would, I'd rather, I'd rather, I'd rather see his shitty ass walking out the door.

I swear to God,

imagine if a guy did that, he downed that at that bowl and then stood up and went, Excuse me for one second, and what's the toilet?

He had shit all over his bum.

That's a bad date.

Yeah, you're not going to be there when he gets back.

You definitely leave.

And then he sends you a photo of his bum from the toilet as well.

It's got more shit on it.

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I mean, so far, we've ended each section on the talk of a piece of shit on a bum.

So let's go on to the main course and see if we end up there as well.

That was our fault.

That one was our fault, Emily.

Yeah.

Oh, right.

Main course.

Okay, again, I was losing sleep over this because what I want to go for, and it's a psychological problem I have to get past, is a honey glazed pork.

Right, so years ago when

we were little, my dad, instead of Christmas lunch, he said, right, instead of Christmas lunch this year, I'm going to go out and buy this beautiful piece of pork and I'm going to honey glaze it and it's going to be amazing.

My dad's a really good cook.

And it caused so many arguments.

I'm convinced it's why my parents divorced.

The build-up, he was talking about it for weeks, and we're all kind of going, I kind of just want a, just a normal Christmas lunch, but we're going, no, no, no, he really wants to do it.

He really, you know, mum was going, come on, your father really wants to do this.

So, mum was on board at the beginning, and then by the end of it, she divorced him.

So, it was like, it was literally, it was like she treated it like he had another woman.

It was, it was the most mental thing.

And he was glazing it for about four days.

I just watched like all these problems unravel in my family because of this fucking honey glazed fucking pork.

What were the arguments about?

Was he just being obsessive about it?

Yeah, he was being obsessive about it.

Because, you know, that sort of happens, doesn't it?

Like, I've sort of seen that happen before when the husband gets really obsessed over, like, well, it's normally the turkey, isn't it, for a Christmas lunch?

They talk about how they're going to baste it and how they're going to, and the wife is always kind of like, oh, fuck off.

I can't be asked to hear about this bloody turkey one more time.

Last Christmas for me.

Yeah, this is exactly why.

You're just literally just laying out my whole life bare every weekend at Ed Sales.

Every weekend.

But I remember eating it and thinking, this is the most delicious thing I've ever eaten in my life.

So, and I've always thought about it ever since, but I've been too scared to have it.

I feel like it would curse my life.

Because your mum started to get jealous of the pork and felt like it was another woman, as you said.

When she had the pork, she must have also thought, like you, that it was delicious.

But do you think...

I don't think she'd admit it.

I don't know if she, I can't remember if she admitted it.

But maybe it was worse for her that it was delicious because she can taste how much he loves the pork.

pork and she's like well now i'm gonna i'm gonna leave him yeah and she was like he doesn't put that sort of attention into me

yeah that's true but it was just and i just remember this fucking ham causing so many rows so now like i i'm scared to have it again because i'm scared it will curse my life

so yeah i think i think i would do that because this is the dream meal i've never forgotten it for good reasons and bad reasons

was it worth it the taste was it so good that you don't mind your home being broken apart?

Yeah, no, it was definitely

worth the breakdown of my parents' marriage.

Here's what I'm going to offer you, Emily.

And I don't know you very well, so apologies if this is crossing a line.

As a genie waiter, I could make it that this is like, because this is the last, you know, the last time you had the pork, your parents got divorced.

And with this one...

How about it's the same pork, but by eating it, your parents get back together.

How would you like that?

I'd really like that.

That is a dream restaurant.

That's very kind of you, Jeannie.

Thank you.

No problem.

That's lovely.

Yeah.

The problem is, it's only if you have one helping they get back together.

If you have seconds, they break up again.

Oh, fuck that then.

No.

If you have thirds, they get back together again.

That's the ball dinner.

No, I'm going to have to have second helpings because it's actually, even though it's gorgeous, it's still quite, it was quite, you have to have a lot of it, you know.

So, yeah, no, fuck that.

They can stay divorced.

Your side dish, I feel, is going to be sweet potatoes.

Yeah, yeah.

And again, basic bitch, I have sweet potato fries with everything, but you know, I've tried these new things recently, and I always like a side that has a little bit of sweetness to it.

So, like, have you ever had pumpkin karaki?

Yeah, no, it's it's more in Japanese places, really, but I kind of have it on the as a side for anything really.

It's it's sweet pumpkin and it's like deep fat fried and it is absolutely gorgeous.

And it kind of, it has that, it has a similar vibe to a sweet potato.

So it just, it's like a nice sweet thing with a, with like a really salty thing.

So I really like my side to have a sweetness to it to like complement the salty meat.

Anything sweet potato, anything pumpkin or like butternut squash, maybe like chopped butternut squash with like and with sweet potato and garlic and all that kind of stuff, all roasted.

love that kind of thing or just a pile of sweet potato fries absolutely lovely that sort of thing you feel like you're getting away with having veg do you know what I mean like it's it yeah it's a vegetable side like roasted pumpkin does anyone know this yet so I always say I say I'm having sweet potato fries to be healthier but it's not is it it's not healthier well we're back to Joel Dommit because yes I think he picked sweet potato fries but to prove a point that they're not any healthier than normal fries because he wanted to get some sort of public service announcement out to people that potatoes and sweet potatoes are the same.

I mean, it was, it was insane.

It was an insane choice.

It was all health-based.

It was horrible.

Well, his whole main meal was a disaster.

And then we got him back on to try and redeem himself.

And then he made an even worse choice the second time.

Did he?

Oh, no.

Did he say a protein shake?

Yeah, that was the first episode.

He said a protein shake.

The second time,

I can't remember what his drink was the second time, but he chose a main meal, which he was based on an actual meal he'd recently had.

And he couldn't actually remember it and didn't really really know what it was.

And it didn't go well for him yet again.

He still gets shouted at in the street by people.

Yeah.

Have a go at him.

I know.

He said he's like, I got trolled for life.

Yeah.

People get very passionate, don't they, about food and drink?

Yeah.

If you think you've heard the last of anything you've said on this podcast after this is over, you've got another thing coming.

And I think you know what you're going to get shouted at

at you the most in the street after this.

Sadly, yes.

Oh, God.

But yeah, yeah, no, sweet potato vibes.

I love a sweet, like a sweet potato puree or like a pumpkin puree.

You can have all of that.

I reckon we can give you all of those different things in one bowl if you want.

That's very kind.

Thank you.

I'd love that.

And you've already given it a name.

It's sweet potato vibes.

So you can have a bowl of sweet potato vibes, which has got the fries, pumpkin croquet, puree, roasted butternut squash, all the orange sweet things in one big bowl, sweet potato vibes.

Yeah, it's a bit like baby food.

My ammet.

Similar, yeah.

A little bit like baby food.

Do you like sweet potato crisps?

Yeah,

all right.

I think because I love sweet potatoes so much, I feel like with the crisps, it's taking away too much of the joy of the actual sweet potato.

So, I'm not really that arse.

I'd rather just have a sweet potato again, though.

I say that because if I'm sort of neck in a sandwich, especially the prep ones, they're so naughty for you, aren't they?

But obviously, you have to have a packet of crisps with your sandwich.

But if I get the vegetable crisps, I say I'm being healthier, but actually, they're about the same, just as bad, probably worse.

Yeah, I think Prette sandwiches are fine for you, but they're probably worse for you if you're, and I quote you just a second ago, necking it.

Yeah, like necking it.

I can't not.

The Prette sandwiches, I can't, I eat them in like three bites.

I love them so much.

You get those big baguettes.

I hate the name of it, though.

Mature Prep pickle, it's that's the cheese and the pickle and everything.

Is that your favorite one?

Yeah, that's my favorite one.

And it's got like cress in it.

Cress.

Cress is like a forgotten joy.

Like, I forgot about cress.

And then I had a big i started eating the big forgettes from prett and it had cress i was like how have i forgotten about this lovely little bit of cress like go now if i make a sandwich got i have cress in it love a bit of crest cress yeah cress honestly are you kidding me swear to god it's a it's a forgotten little joy cress what's the joy if cress was nice they wouldn't have to jazz it up by making it like pretend hair coming out of yeah

yeah true do you remember making cress at school it was like the first thing that you have to be responsible for a little thing of cress i'm surprised we've never had cress as the secret ingredient.

Yeah, it's a good point.

Cress!

Cress.

Honestly, try it.

I swear to God, put a bit of a picture of it.

I've tried it.

No, we've tried Crest, Emily.

Oh, believe me.

Even before I was 25, I'd have Cress.

But re-re,

like, give it a rebirth in your life, Cress.

Every time I've ordered something somewhere and it's come with Cress on it, the first thing I'll do is get all the Crest off of all the bits that I'm doing.

How do you like this?

Imagine this scenario.

You're lying in bed.

He turns to you and says, back in a minute, I'm just going to go to the toilet.

He gets up.

He walks out.

You have a little look at his butt, and there's crest growing out of it.

Crest.

Oh, no, no.

He's got a crest butt.

I think I'd be alright with that.

You're right.

Yeah.

I'd rather that than a piece of shit.

Just on the top of the cheeks, not like the whole...

Do you mean coming out of the crack?

Well, it can be if you want, yeah.

I imagine just a clump on one of the cheeks.

That's what I was imagining, like a little crest head, but

you mean in place of his butt hair.

Yeah, the crack, like an ass strip.

You would like it just coming out of the crack there, like that.

I'm not saying I would like that, I'm saying that's how I imagined it.

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Your dream drink.

We've talked about how much you're loving the pubs being open again and hitting the boozer.

Yeah.

Your head doubling in size, tripling in size.

Is this drink going to reduce the size of your head?

or increase it?

I think I've just learned in life, most things I drink will always increase my head size.

I've literally eaten out and been drinking out since the 12th of April so I'm trying to think what is it that I've been drinking most of recently.

Do you know I went through a summer where I drank nothing but Provence Rosé.

It was my favorite thing in the world but I drank it so much that I think I overdid it.

So

I'm really into my white wine at the moment so I'm going to go with a really cold glass of Gavi.

I love a Gavi.

Or is it Gavi?

Gavi, Gavi.

I'll go with Gavi.

You said it with confidence.

You said it with authority.

Yeah, Gavi.

And also I love a Chardonnay, and so I'm really into my white wines at the moment.

A really lovely, cold glass of white wine, either a Chardonnay or a Gavi.

Gorgeous.

You need a glass of wine to give you that hit that you want.

Like, if you have, like, a, I don't start with a cocktail.

You know, some people start with cocktails before they're about to have savoury food.

I don't get that thought process.

A cocktail, I'll go for a cocktail if I'm going out for cocktails, or I have a cocktail instead of a dessert when I'm being good.

Porn cocktail.

No, no, just a pro, just a cocktail.

um but yeah i'll have i'd have like a lychee martini or something like that but not before a savoury meal do you know what i mean by that well then your brain's ready for sweet right so if if i have a cocktail before a meal it'll be something like a martini just straight booze yeah nothing sweet about it but i don't really like sweet cocktails anyway you know you're people always complain about how little the cocktails are but actually it's like kind of all you need you it's all you need you don't want to have 10 drinks that all taste like melted celeros well james does definitely yes please.

Oh, really?

Yes, please.

Do you eat the Lychee?

If you eat a Lychee martini, yeah, or the

olive in there and a martini with an olive.

Oh, gorgeous.

But yeah, no, I like a nice dry drink, dry white wine, when I'm sitting looking at the menu.

Oh, God, it's the best feeling ever, isn't it?

Sitting there with a menu and ordering a nice drink.

It's just, it's my favorite feeling in the world.

Love it.

You said you've been drinking out a lot.

Who is the best person that you've had a drink with in that time?

Do you know?

I'm really lucky, and like all my mates are fucking legends.

So I would say, and it's it sounds so cheesy, but just seeing my friends again and being able to do that.

No, no, no, no, no.

One person, please.

Yeah, you're not going to get away with that, unfortunately, Emily.

You've got to pick one person.

I'm waiting for it.

Okay, one person.

Okay.

Can I say my mum?

Yeah.

You can if you want to sound like a fucking saddle.

Yeah,

if that, if that's your actual answer as an adult.

um, I think it's my mum.

My mum is so fucking jokes, and we have so much fun.

And she loves getting pissed, and she loves eating.

And it's, it's, yeah, just anyone that's that wants to get pissed and eat loads of food and not worry about it.

And that is my mum.

Always blows my mind when people have parents who like to get pissed with them.

Oh, yeah.

My mum's worse than me.

She's brilliant.

I'm not judging.

I think it's cool.

but like i've never had my parents they they like they like boozing i even think they like getting drunk but not intentionally with me oh really i can't even imagine sitting down with either one of them and we're like we're getting hammered let's do this

every time people are like yeah go my dad we get pissed together i'm like what the hell i don't think me like certainly not my mum my dad we would go out for dinner and we would get drunk but the decision wouldn't be we are going out to get pissed tonight but we would we would oh no see see what see when I go home, when I go back home, you know, normally you sort of go back home to recharge and to kind of rehabilitate yourself for a bit and and drink more water and you know, and sort of be looked after a bit.

I know that if I go when I go back home, I come back two stone heavier and just really fucking tired

and I'm completely out of sorts.

And I'm like, oh God, I need, I actually need to rehabilitate myself back in my own London home away from my family.

They're just, they're, they're party people, and they, yeah, they love a drink and they love eating and it's so fun.

But every time I go back home, it's Chris, it's like Christmas.

Amazing.

And obviously not through the pandemic, but like, I think that's what I've missed most, just it being Christmas every weekend.

We go to my Auntie Amy's house and it's just, it's literally just a three-day muss-up with like with all the family and roast dinners and lasagnas and oh, and just loads of booze, loads of booze.

And it's the best.

Quite quite nice accompaniments to loads of booze, isn't it?

Roast dinners and lasagna's all the time.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Another lasagna?

I'd actually like to do that now.

Just have like two days of just drinking, but all we're eating is lasagna all the time.

Keep them coming.

I remember the last time we all went out together as a family.

So it was like a Saturday, Saturday morning.

We all went out for breakfast together and we ended up having a beer with breakfast or a wine, whatever.

And then

we then just drank all day.

so then we ended up staying out for breakfast lunch and dinner and just like went to different restaurants all around the village well that is my that is my absolute dream a three restaurant day hammered yes and with each meal we were going are we really gonna do this it started so it was like a breakfasty meal in the morning you know poached eggs and avocado and mimosas all of that and then we went to went to a pub afterwards and thought well we won't we won't eat because we've just had a nice big breakfast we'll just have like a few pints at the pub literally three pints in we're like she'll get a a bit of lunch.

And then after that, you go, well, tell you what, we probably won't get dinner.

We'll just have a few more drinks, you know, and then we'll head off.

And then it gets to 6 p.m.

We're going for a fucking curry.

100% going for a curry.

You know, that is the complete opposite of how anyone else would have that day.

So everyone else would be eating a meal and then go, Go on, we'll have another drink.

Will we?

Come on, let's have another drink.

And your family are going, well, we're obviously drinking all day.

But let's, oh, go, fuck it.

We'll have a meal.

We are naughty.

Yeah, let's have another meal.

We'll eat some food to sustain all this alcohol.

I could force down another lasagna, I suppose.

I really shouldn't.

It is my third of the day.

This will soak up all the alcohol.

For an all-day session, what are you drinking?

All-day session, right.

Ooh.

Okay, so I'll start with like a mimosa or whatever.

Yeah, a couple of mimosas.

And then I'll get to the pub.

And I'm probably hungover on a Saturday.

So I'll have like a pint of am still with like a bit of lime in it in the top, but like a shandy sort of eye, like maybe a drop of of lemonade.

Just to, I can't, I don't go straight in there with a pint, it has to have some kind of like nice sort of fizzing, like fizzy puff in there, give it a bit of sweetness, and it makes it taste a little bit more childish.

I'll have a couple of those, and then that's when I feel absolutely fine again.

And then, like, the bottles of wine will probably start coming.

Maybe some champagne, love champagne.

Then I have wine with the food.

And then, always, whenever we go, we go to the same curry house called the Amptil Tandoori in Bedfordshire at about six o'clock.

And I always have, and I stand by this with my curry, I have Matthias Rose.

It's about four quid in the supermarket.

And it is, it's so nice with a curry.

It's like, and often I don't like sweet wine at all.

It's not really sweet.

It's just got like a tiny hint of sweetness to it.

It's pink and really fizzy.

And it's just fucking lovely.

And I remember growing up, my parents just living on Matthias Rose.

And we just went out for curries all the time.

And even on school nights, you know, we were the kids that stank of garlic and like garlic yarn the next day in class on like a Tuesday, like, oh, so tired.

You can't sell that like it's a universal observation for kids who smell.

Everyone's got them in that school, the kids who stink of garlic.

Yeah, no, we were the kids because we were always out with our parents.

Like, they, because they went on tour a lot and stuff, and then they'd come home and it'd be like nine o'clock, and we'd be getting ready for bed because if we had school, and our parents are like, right, we've been away for three weeks, we're taking, we're taking you all out for dinner, and we'd go for a curry, and it'd be the best thing ever.

And then we'd miss the bus the next day,

um, rushing to school late for registration.

And I was always late because I was, you know, first on the register, so I was fast,

and but it was great, and I'd just be sitting there so tired, and everyone kind of going, Emily, can you say awake, please?

And I'm just thinking about the lovely night I had before, so didn't care.

It makes my

parents sound insane.

I promise you, they are

wonderful.

They're the best parents ever.

They are the best parents ever.

They sound irresponsible.

Oh, yeah, but brilliant.

Yeah, in a great way.

In the best way.

Yeah, in a great way.

We arrive at your dessert.

Very exciting.

Although, I'm a little bit nervous because when you were talking about your family's, you know, big days out and stuff, there wasn't any desserts feature in there.

It was a lot of savoury, a lot of booze, but no desserts made an appearance.

But you know, if we do have a dessert, it's a few of them in the middle and we're kind of sharing.

No one really has an individual dessert.

But if I am going to have a dessert, dessert, the one thing I absolutely will not do, which I think you'll appreciate this, a cheese board is not a dessert.

Yeah.

So

that is,

that is a, that's obviously, we all know that.

I think it's psychotic to order a cheese board as a dessert.

Absolutely.

It is psychotic.

It's psychotic.

What a shame from Emily A.

It's a meal.

It's a, I'll have it like an hour after a dessert.

Uh-huh.

Or

like once you're home and then you're having a nightcap, cheese board, lovely.

And that's an extra added part to the evening.

Yes.

But not as a dessert no no well your family probably have them with their breakfast beers

it's a lovely dessert it's a lovely way to round off a meal thank you avilieta do you think okay no cheese boards are a beauty of life absolutely but that is that is a few that's like two hours when when you're home from the meal and you're all having a nightcap and you've got something on the telly and then a cheese board is made gorgeous or if you don't have a dessert at the restaurant go home and have a cheese board by all means yeah yeah absolutely so in a way in a way it's a dessert.

Yeah.

No, you should still have, no, you should still have it.

Because if you've not had dessert and you go home and have a cheese board, then the cheese board is the dessert.

So thank you very much.

No, but what are you saying, Ed?

What if you have your main course, you go home?

I know what you're going to eat.

You go to sleep.

You wake up the next day.

You wake up.

Yeah, and then you have a bowl of cereal.

Is that

a fryer?

Yeah.

You have a fry-up.

Is that your dessert?

The fryer?

No, because there's a sleep in the middle.

Oh, so if there's sleep in the middle, it's different.

Yes.

And it's a different time.

If it's in the evening and you've had it straight after your main course, then it's a dessert.

Well, Emily was saying it was a different time.

But not straight after.

No, it's in the same quadrant of time.

It's still in the evening.

It's still in the evening.

It's a car journey between these.

Yeah, but it's a different part of the evening.

The evening's the evening, as far as I'm concerned.

Oh.

No, because there's all different sections of an evening.

How many sections are there in an evening?

Take us through the sections.

Okay, so there's like,

you know, pre-drinks.

Right, so this is all going to be drinks-based, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, amazing.

What parts of the evening are they?

Well, obviously, the whole evening is divided up into when I'm having my drink.

Yeah.

Three drinks, first drinks, second drinks, third drinks.

Lasagna, fourth.

The first drinks, that is the first part of the evening.

Everyone, like, you get, you've just got together and you're having a drink to say hello.

That's the first part of the evening.

I'm actually sort of thinking about when I'm on holiday, there's more sections of an evening.

So

there's that, you will meet on the balcony, let's say, or the, you know, the terrace, whatever, and you're having a little drink.

So there's that bit.

There's then walking to the restaurant, heaven.

You know, that sort of time, like at about sort of eight o'clock in the evening, and it's like, oh, gorgeous.

You're a bit sunburned.

And everyone's like walking down to the restaurant.

Everyone's chatting.

That's a bit of a vibe.

That's the next bit.

That walk is nice.

Are you taking a drink with you for the walk?

Yeah.

Yeah.

We call it a bot for the journal.

So it's a.

A bot for the journal.

I know James so well now that when I hear something, I know he's going to, he's, he's going to absolutely love it.

And it's all he's going to want to talk about.

A bot for the journey, James.

A bot for the journal.

I mean,

i'll tell you what you wouldn't want to see on a bot for the journal a bot that is on a journal you would not want to see uh

a bot i'm that's something i'm using that i'm using bot for the journey yeah

we're like should we get take a little bot for the journal

who started saying that yeah when did it become a thing that you all say that to each other me and my mates we started saying this like 10 years ago when we started going out like to actually know it must have been longer now when we're basically when we started going out clubbing you know we we created bot for the germ because on the way in the taxi with all the screaming going on you need a pissy bottle of cheap wine you know to be drinking on the way it's now not a bottle of pissy cheap it would be something nice that we have now but um yeah that's where it came from bot for the germ you know piling in a cab and all kind of

like a gaggle but you're saying on holiday this is a walk right a walk from the balcony to the restaurant.

How long is the walk, the germ, that you need a whole bot?

Well, to be honest, now it's not really now a bottle.

It can just be like a little plastic cup of something that you've been drinking.

But because bot for the journey, it's just evolved.

It's still called bot for the journey, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to have a bottle.

It just means a drink for the journey.

Nothing else works.

I've gone through all the different options in my head.

Nothing works other than bot for the journey.

Gla for the journey just doesn't work.

Nothing else is like one syllable: glass, cup, mug.

So you just have to go bot for the journey.

Yeah.

Because it's because it's the only one you can shorten anyway.

and it's lovely.

So, now, so walking down to the to a restaurant with with a drink in hand, with your bot for the journey, um, B for the J, sometimes we've shortened it too,

yeah.

Well, that's gonna get confusing, so don't start coming

anyone over here in that, that girls with their family.

What's so funny, though, is that we've been using it for so long now, like my mum and like my aunts and everyone say it as well.

But it's it's we now say it very seriously because we don't, there's no irony to it anymore.

We're saying it very seriously.

We go, have you got a bot for the journey?

Okay, so like when you sort of hear like mum or like my auntie Amy saying it, going, darling, have you got a bottle for the germ?

Yeah, of course.

We've heard about your mum and your auntie Amy before.

And it does not surprise me that they have adopted the drinking slang of you and your uni buddies.

You and your uni mates.

It's just a very normal thing we say now.

Mum, mum will go, love,

love, love, love.

Have you got a bottle for the germ?

Yeah, yep, got it.

All right.

And then we walk to the restaurant.

Your sister goes on the walk with a full lasagna under her arms.

Yeah.

You got a las for the journey.

our other meal our other uh meal that auntie amy cooks us las and sal so we call it las and sal which is like sundae lasagna and salad that we love and so if we're having like a las and sal day at auntie amy's that we know that's going to be a big old piss-up as well a lasy sundae yeah it used to be the pasta piss up and then it changed to um she started making these really nice lasagnas and now we call it the las and sal like up for a bit of las and sal like when you you know when you're having las and sal at auntie amy's it's going to go off but it used used to be called a pasta piss-up, just to be clear.

Yeah,

the pasta piss-up.

The great British pasta piss-up.

And now your mum always checks that you've got a bot for the journal.

The way that most people's mummers check if they've got their keys or something like that.

Yeah.

So far, in an evening, we've got pre-drinks and we've got a bot for the journey.

Yeah, bot for the journey.

And then that's the second bit.

And then getting to the restaurant, sitting down, having a browse of the menu and chatting, that's the next bit.

And then the meal.

And that oh actually no there's five because then there's the meal and then there's a bit after the meal so then there's five five elements to an evening but after the meal yeah is there one bit or is there another journal and then the you know nightcap yeah the nightcap which then turns into like a full kind of dance around the living room and or in the kitchen wherever we are And then that's another, that's a whole other kind of part of the evening.

That's when the cheese board is out.

And that, yeah, the cheese board and the dance.

Yeah, so the element five of of an evening would be the cheese board and maybe a bailey's nice little baileys and the nightcaps but it's quite ironic because i've only just learned that a nightcap is like one isn't it so i've been saying my whole life should we have a few nightcaps now like as if like i just thought nightcaps mean more drinking so a nightcap is actually only meant to be one which it never never is do you call nightcaps bot for the bed

we still haven't found out what your dessert is yet okay my dessert, again, I've got a bit basic because there's times where you can have show-off mad desserts where it's got, you know, crazy things on it.

And I like a sticky toffee pudding with salted caramel ice cream.

The salted caramel ice cream is kind of the showy offy bit.

But yeah, just quite classic.

And you can't go wrong.

And again, I don't think I've ever had a bad sticky toffy pudding ever.

I've had a bad, like, because I love rhubarb crumble, but I've had a bad crumble before.

So, you know,

it's not hot enough sometimes.

A bit too much.

The ratio of fruit to crumble pisses me off sometimes.

What's the correct ratios of rhubarb to crumble?

I think it has to be fairly the same.

I think it has to have the same amount of rhubarb.

Actually, no, when I was young, when I was little, I wanted a bit more crumble.

Nowadays, I don't mind it just being like a very sort of light topping of crumble because I quite like the sharpness of the fruit.

That is a, you know, it's quite a bit more grown up, isn't it?

But yes, sticky tummy pudding, sticky tummy pudding, salty caramel,

um salty caramel ice cream and a dessert wine love a dessert wine am i allowed to dessert wine i i think i fear what would happen if we got in your way so yeah absolutely

you need a bot for the journal between courses there's a journey there's technically you know it's not a physical journey but it's an emotional journey

and dessert so you do need a bot for the journey so yeah a muscat dessert wine i think that's what you put

um with uh yeah with a sticky toffe pudding salted caramel ice cream boom

to go with the prawn cocktail quite a sort of old school British menu as well yeah I've surprised myself really I think because I I like to experiment with food all the time I love it so much it brings me so much joy I love it and I always experiment I love to cook I experiment with so many different things but I think if we're just thinking about dream meal I just don't think overcomplicate it too much keep it just really like yeah I love a good old classic right I'll read you your menu back now and see how you feel about it okay here we go sparkling water loads of ice with lemon and cucumber and mint and strawberries in it problems of bread you want some foca bread I believe you said with some olive oil and balsamic vinegar starter prawn cocktail with small and big prawns main course honey glazed pork and that gets your parents back together but not if you have sex but not if you have seconds if you have seconds

that's not happening.

Side.

Sweet potato vibes.

That was sweet potato fries with pumpkin

karaki?

Kuroke?

Kuroke.

Kuroke kroki, I think.

Roasted butternut squash, sweet potato puree.

Drink a cold glass of white wine.

Gavi.

Dessert.

Sticky toffee put in with salted caramel ice cream and a dessert wine.

Muscat.

And I'm assuming...

At some point during all that, there's a bot for the germ.

There's got to be.

Yeah.

Do you mean at the meal or the one that I'm taking home?

There's there's such a difference in the way we say bot for the journ and the way you say it because you say it well yeah you've been saying it for ages right and we're this is so new to us we love well i don't know if you've noticed emily we love saying bot for the journal yeah yeah we just want to get it right it'll be one of those things you'll just you'll you'll say it so much you just won't even think about it you'll just be like are we we're getting a bot for the journey like bot for the journey it's not you won't you'll stop there'll come point where you stop smiling when you say it because it actually becomes quite an important part of your life yeah yeah it's crucial yeah well i i would say that probably before all this you've got a bot bot for the journey because you're going on the way to the restaurant.

So what is the bot for the journey for this particular meal?

The bot for the germ for this particular meal would be, I think I'm going to go with a bottle of champagne, like a Verd Clico.

That's showing off, isn't it?

Sorry about that.

Or a Moe.

I like a Moe.

Oh, actually, no, a lantern.

I like a pink sparkling lantern.

Bot for the Germ.

For the Germ.

Yeah, that's my Bot for the German.

That with a straw.

Yeah.

Oh, you might want to clean that bot.

There's a piece of shit on it.

I love it.

I can't believe that.

I can't believe that's going to be the end of the episode.

Watch your bot.

Yeah, of course.

You might want to clean your bot.

There's a piece of shit on it.

Thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant, Emily Atac.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Well, there we are, James.

A brilliant episode with Emily Atak.

A good menu, too, I thought.

A great ep for the journe.

A great ep for the journ.

I'll be using bot for the journey.

I know you will be.

It's one of the many things that's been adopted into my vocabulary.

Bot for the journey, ginton, and probably some other things.

Jinton for the journey.

Emily did not say salt and shake crisps.

She didn't even really want those sweet potato crisps.

She wasn't having that, so she didn't even come close to being kicked out of the recipe.

I bought up crisps a lot.

I bought up pork cocktail crisps.

That was naughty of me.

So I was like,

Into crisp territory, trying to put crisps in her head.

Couldn't she would not be shaken like the salt.

Very good.

Lovely.

Thank you very much, Emily.

The second series of Emily's TV show, The Emily ATAC Show on ITV2, starts in October, so keep an eye out for that.

And she's going on tour from the end of September.

And you can go on the Live Nation website for ticket details.

Get a drink in the main foyer of the theatre, then call it the bot for the journey down to your seat.

As you're walking from the bar to your seat, know that you're on the journey.

Yeah.

You've got a bot.

And maybe, if you want to really have a laugh, via fake poo from from a joke shop, stick it to your bum.

And then when you get up to go to the toilet during the show,

just don't reference it.

Just walk down the aisle and Emily will be able to see that you've got a piece of shit on your ass.

I can't believe you, of all people, is encouraging people to get up to go to the toilet in the middle of a show.

Not only that, but to attach a fake piece of shit to your ass.

Yes, I should point out, if you haven't seen me live, I would absolutely hate that behavior.

I'd kick it off.

You don't like it when people leave you things on the stage.

Refuse to do the rest of the show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Felt bad once someone left me cabbage on stage and for a laugh I kicked it off the stage and then they burst into tears and left.

So I think overall best idea is just go and see Emily live, just watch it, enjoy it, laugh and then leave.

Be a good audience member.

Be a good audience, laugh then leave.

That's what I would say.

Also, if you want to show your appreciation to us boys, you can buy some merch.

We have a good range of merch on the off-menu website, offmenupodcast.co.uk.

A lovely range of t-shirts, etc., tea tea towels tea towels t-shirts tea bags no tea bags yet mugs tea mugs tea mugs tea for tote tea for mug um so do go and check that out uh we're very we really like our merch and i like seeing people wear it so do that yeah my sister went to give blood once and there was someone waiting to give blood who was wearing an off-menu t-shirt i love it my nephews couldn't wrap their head around it then uncle was suddenly on some weird stranger

um well thank you very much for listening uh We will be back probably next week, I'd imagine, James, depending on when this is going out.

That's usually how we do it.

We do it like that.

So do come back next week and have a little listen.

But until then, keep on eating.

Keep on eating.

Keep on tweeting.

If you enjoyed this podcast, can I interest you in a totally different podcast that's not about food and doesn't have James Acaster or Ed Gamble, but I would say is quite fun.

No, thank you.

Oh, okay, not to worry.

If you change your mind at a later date, it's called Nobody Panic.

Right.

It's hosted by me, Tessa Coates, and my friend Stevie Martin.

Which is weirdly me.

And we tackle all kinds of how-tos from big things to small things.

How to stop saying sorry, how to poo, how to break up with someone, how to quit your job, how to relax, how to have a conversation, how to deal with unrequited love.

A smorgasbord of thing.

Absolutely.

We have a nice time.

People seem to like it.

If you like, you can come and see what all the fuss is about.

All that fuss.

What's it called?

Nobody panic.

You can find it on all of the podcast apps that you would imagine it would be on.

Please have a listen.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes.

But it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito.

has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok.

At Off Menu Podcast.

On YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast, and on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.