Ep 112: Simon Amstell

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised go to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast where we take the bread of a guest, pop it into the toaster of chat, and grill them until they are charred beyond belief.

Hello, James.

The bread of a guest.

The bread of the guest?

Well done, Ed.

By the bread of the guest, do you mean the guest is the bread, or you're getting the bread that belongs to a guest?

No.

On the off-menu podcast, we don't get the guest to send us some bread and then we toast it.

That's our other podcast, The Roasty Toasty Boys.

Yep, Roasty Toasty Boys.

Subscribe.

On off-menu, the guest is a metaphorical slice of bread.

We're popping them into the toaster of chats, which is again metaphorical, and we're grilling them, which is another name for asking questions, until they're charred beyond belief, which is just done.

Until they're useless.

Yeah, useless.

None of the podcasts can have them.

I have to scrape off their bodies into the bin.

Yeah.

And even then, you can tell.

You can tell it's

been charred beyond belief on the off-menu podcast.

Yeah.

But don't forget to subscribe to roasty toasty boys roasty toasty boys two episodes coming out every monday where we ask the guests are you roasty or are you toasty they send their bread and we send back toast yeah we just send toast back to them and they have to guess if we've roasted the toast or toasted the toast or toasted the roast yeah they send us the bread and we either roast it or we toast it and we send it back to them and they're going to make the call sorry i was getting mixed up with our other podcast the toasty roasty boys where they send us some meat and vegetables of their choice, and we try and cook them in a toaster.

We try and make a roast dinner in a toaster.

That's every Sunday.

Of course.

It's the Toasty Roasty Boys.

Make sure you subscribe to that.

We've got loads of great guests on that.

We've got Nish Kumar, obviously.

He does all the film podcasts.

He'll be booking Forever Fin.

Reve Spaw.

Rave Spawl's on it.

Munya Chihuahua.

Victoria Cohen Mitchell refused.

Yes.

She would not be on it, even though I've heard she takes her own toaster to dinner parties and toasts things in the toilet.

Anyway, that's not what this podcast is.

So this is podcast.

This podcast isn't that.

This is the off-menu podcast.

We invite a guest into the dream restaurant and we ask them their dream, their favorite ever.

Start a main course, dessert, side dish, and drink, not in that order.

And this week's guest is...

Simon.

Simon Amstell.

Simon Amstill.

Yes, it's Simon Amstill, comedian, writer, film director.

He's a man of many talents, James.

So many talents.

And a great TV host

wow the problem is it doesn't come up a lot but whenever James has to say TV host oh he sneezes

so don't say that again man oh you alright

some snot on my trousers right

Simon Amstall is

going on tour.

He's doing a show called Spirit Hole.

You should go and check that out on his website.

And we'll talk about some of the other things he's done during this interview, I'm sure.

But very much looking forward to talking to Simon.

However, if he says the secret ingredient that we have pre-agreed on, he will be kicked out of the dream restaurant, spirit hole or no spirit hole, James.

That is true.

And this week, the secret ingredient is...

Cress.

Cress.

Can't believe we've not had it before.

It's awful.

Pointless.

I don't like it.

I think it looks bad on the plate.

Yeah.

It makes everything look bad.

It looks like someone's just emptied some grass clippings or something onto the...

It's too small.

I mean, that might be one of my main issues with it.

It's too small.

Yeah, too small doesn't really taste of much no

i mean i i can't even think of anything i i also i just think it gets put on anything as a garnish yeah like it's meant to make things look better and it makes things look worse as we've already established and cress doesn't go with everything you know no it doesn't go with anything just because it's flavorless egg and cress like who would have thought cress could stand up to the punch of an egg it can't

Can't there's no point it being in there doesn't even add any texture visually maybe you got a bit of chopped up cress in the

bit of green in there, but I'd rather put some chives in that.

Yeah, get out.

Not having the cress.

Thank you.

So Simon says, Cress.

He's a goner.

He's a goner.

And of course, Cress is a secret ingredient because we talked about it on the MLA ATAC episode, James, and we realised we'd never done Cress.

Sometimes we get ideas for secret ingredients from the chats we have with other guests.

We carry it through to other episodes.

And you know, Benito has just said to us

off record, I mean, I'm sure he won't keep himself in the edit, but that egg and crest would be a good nickname for the two of us.

And I don't appreciate that.

I think Egg is doing a lot of the heavy lifting there.

What, so he's calling you Egg?

Yeah, Egg.

Egg Gamble.

Egg Gamble.

Yeah.

Because if you say Ed Gamble quickly, it sounds like Egg Gamble.

And what?

Who am I?

James A.

Crester?

That's great.

Egg Gamble and James A.

Crester.

Oh, someone will do a great little mock-up of that, won't they?

Yeah, you'd imagine.

Well, will I have Crest coming out of my head like a Cress head?

Yes, and I'll just be an egg.

You'll just have an egg as your case.

Yeah.

I suppose.

Egg Gamble and James A.

Crester.

It's so good.

Oh dear.

Oh and James, I'm on tour soon.

What?

I'm going on tour in February 2022 with my show Electric.

Oh, will I ever see you again?

Yeah man, but probably just over the internet.

We'll never see each other in real life again because I'm going to be on the road baby.

I'm a road dog.

Oh man, I envy all the people getting tickets to that.

It's going to be such a great show.

If I was to listen to this podcast now, I'd pause it immediately.

I'd go to edgamble.com and I would order tickets.

Don't go there.

As much as I

value your support and respect, my website is edgamble.co.uk.

So go and get tickets from there.

Couldn't get.com.

No.

Go and get tickets for my tour.

Electric, edgamble.co.uk.

Very key that.

Who got edgamble.com?

I don't know.

But

let's stop saying that.

It's interesting.

Let's stop saying that, and we'll just keep saying edgamble.co.uk for tickets for electric.

February 2022, baby.

Also, go to edgamble.com.

No,

find out who that is and what that website is because we need to know.

We've got to crack the case.

Never say crack the case when Ed Gamble's involved.

Oh, yeah.

Ed Gamble, crack the crest.

Anyway, enough of all of this.

Let's hear the off-menu menu of Simon Amsterdam.

Simon Amstall.

Welcome Simon Amstall to the dream restaurant.

Thank you.

Welcome, Simon Amstall, to the dream restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Wow, what an entrance.

We've not recorded one for a while, Simon.

So James has clearly kept his genie powers really bottled up, ready to explode there.

And you really went for it, James.

Well done, you.

Thank you.

Yep.

I really felt it bursting bursting forth as soon as I did that one

Like I'm really highly like the other day actually

I'll tell you what it reminded me of my mum has started making kombucha at home and she gave me a bottle of the orange and cardamom one that she made and I drank most of it ages ago There's just a little tiny bit left in the bottom of the bottle.

It's one of those ones with a plug stopper on the top and yesterday I was like oh I better obviously just you know have the last of this and I unpopped it and my God, I thought it was going to take my head off.

There's so much pressure in there, whatever's been building up, and it was like a gun going off.

And I was like, holy shit.

And that's what I felt like just then, bursting out the lamp.

I felt like the kombucha that had been extra, whatever, fermenting.

Is that what it would be fermenting a bit longer?

I don't know, but that's what I felt like just then.

That the plug came off the lamp, and I was bursting forth and nearly took Simon Amstel's head off.

But it was very enjoyable.

I liked it very much.

That's the longest story about kombucha James has ever done before we've really said hello to a guest properly, I think.

Well,

you know, I'm happy to just be here.

So

don't worry about me.

Do you have any stories about kombucha, Simon?

And before you even think about if you've got a story about kombucha, do you think it's longer or shorter than the one I just told?

I think it's a bit shorter in that my boyfriend and I do make kombucha, but that's that's the story.

I think that is a story because that's quite a coincidence that James's mum has been making kombucha.

You and your boyfriend have been making kombucha.

I think I don't know anyone else who's making kombucha.

This is all new to me.

Have you got a special tea?

What's your go-to flavour that you've really nailed the most?

We just keep it very pure, actually.

We don't really do anything to it.

I like it pure.

I told you, this is not much of a story.

This is my kombucha story.

No,

we're going to make it a story.

We're doing an hour on your kombucha side, and that's what's happening.

Yes.

Did you see James' face when you said you keep it pure and you don't add anything to it and you don't flavour it?

I actually didn't.

What did he do it again, James?

He was gobsmacked.

Oh,

well, it's...

That's a good face.

Well, it's just, I don't, I think we're maybe not that advanced.

We haven't really got into flavouring it, but I really like it as it is.

What's your mum doing?

What's she putting in it?

Orange and cardamom.

She made another one that was like lemon and ginger.

I haven't tried that one yet.

I just tried the orange and cardamom one.

It was a very nice surprise.

What does it taste like pure, though?

I've never had it pure.

I don't know.

I mean, I have nothing to compare it to.

but maybe i could talk to your mother could i have your mother's number if that's not a strange request you're not the first guest to ask for it

i'm just going to warn you simon if you do do i i did a cook along with james's mum uh and if you've bought one of the ingredients slightly wrong she will absolutely like ball you out for a half an hour she will shout at you she'll tell you you've got it wrong well i can see where James's trauma slash talent comes from there.

Yeah.

She's like Mrs.

Trunchbull.

She's very beautiful.

What did you say?

No, I said she's like Mrs.

Trunchbull.

Oh, I see.

And is she also very beautiful?

Of course, yes.

Yeah.

Beautiful Mrs.

Trunchbull.

That's my mum.

And she

put Ed in the chokey for bringing the wrong ingredients.

This is nice.

Have you been friends for a long time?

This is a sort of, I'm picturing you as sort of like 10-year-olds going over to James's mum's house.

James's house, I guess it would be, because you still live there.

What's your relationship?

What's going on here?

What's happened?

How has this podcast happened?

I need to know some things, I think.

We've known each other for many years, Simon.

And we always talk about food.

And we thought that conversation is so good, the public should be hearing it.

We were having chats in private and going, man, I would love, if I was a member of the public, to be able to listen to this for free.

It's such a waste if you have a good conversation in private, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's like if I'm having a nice time with my girlfriend as well, I'm like, what's the point in that?

Take a picture of it, put it on Instagram so everyone can see it.

Yes.

Well, there's always

Pornhub.

Pornhub?

Yes.

Put the photo on Pornhub?

Yeah, just a picture of us enjoying a nice meal.

Pop that on Pornhub.

Simon,

if you were on Pornhub.

Oh, yes.

And I should be, really.

Look at me.

Yeah.

Well,

I mean using the service, but it may be...

I mean, if you're like...

Oh, my God.

There's my ego exposed.

Yeah.

Not watching it.

Like some viewer.

But if you were browsing it and one of the thumbnails was some photos of Ed and his girlfriend just doing normal things fully clothed and nothing sexual but it was on there.

Would you take the time to watch it?

It's unlikely but it would be nice to know that it was there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know?

Like it's nice to know that there's hummus in the fridge.

You don't necessarily need it that day, but it's there.

Just in case.

Just in case.

Yeah, just in case.

Do you think on Pornhub, if you know how on like YouTube, if there's anything explicit, it gets taken down?

Do you think it works the other way around on Pornhub?

Oh yeah, I think it should do.

Yeah.

Warning.

No nickels.

These people have just sat down eating pizza.

Now, Simon, you are about to go on tour with your new show, Spirit Hole.

Yes, I'm doing that from September.

Would you like to come, Ed and James?

I'd love to come.

Sure.

There are two, I guess you're both in London, right?

There's two London dates.

There's Two Nights at the Alley Pally and there's the London Palladium.

And I'm going all over the country.

Are you excited about it, Simon?

Yes, I'm very excited.

I think I'm probably more excited than I've ever been about touring.

And I've been doing a few festivals and a few warm-ups, and it just feels really exciting to be able to do it, right?

I mean, you must feel the same.

I mean, it's what how did it feel for you when you couldn't do it?

Well, I am very much like you, Simon, and I was excited to get back to stand-up.

Uh, and I am enjoying gigs.

Now I can do them again, and I'm going on tour next year.

I'm very excited about it.

James?

I'm enjoying the break.

I'm enjoying the break.

Such a polite podcast.

This is so sweet.

James?

Still on sparkling water, Simon.

Still, please.

You're drinking still right now.

You took a little snap.

I actually am.

It's actually from a filtered tap, but if you have, you know, a fancy bottle, I'd take that as well.

Although ideally not plastic.

I'm noticing a theme.

Pure kombucha.

Pure water.

Have you seen my skin?

Yeah.

How much water do you drink a day?

Oh, as much as possible.

I just, yeah, I can't get enough of it.

Yeah.

If ever I'm wondering what to do with myself, I think I'll put water.

And then I feel much, much better.

But you filter it.

We've got a tap that's a filtered tap in this kitchen we've got, yeah.

And is that something that was in the kitchen when you arrived?

Or was it the first thing you did when you moved in?

You were like, get that goddamn filtered tap in there.

I'm not drinking the muck straight from the tap.

It was, well, it was an option in the kitchen shop.

And

we went through it.

I don't know if I was adamant about it, it but when they presented the option I thought oh yeah that's a that's a nice idea.

I'm into anything that's like I'm not a celiac but if something is gluten-free I'll go for that option instead.

Oh really?

Even if it's the worst taste-wise so you would go for gluten-free bread or like a gluten-free pizza just because it's gluten-free even though that impacts the taste?

Well I've had some pretty good gluten-free stuff and yes, I think so.

I sort of feel like, well, if something is advertised as gluten-free, it it must be better.

It must be better.

Not taste-wise necessarily, but once it says gluten-free, like if something said bread-free, I'd be like, well, I'd better not have any bread then.

Not the same with everything.

I think I'm actually making some stuff up here, to be honest.

I think I'm just lying now.

It's good to know that if we ask you a question, then let you just keep talking.

You will start to lie.

I think I got a bit too into the frivolity of this podcast there and just thought I should provide something about gluten.

I thought that's what they need.

They probably need some gluten stuff.

And I actually would just, I don't know, I left my own body for a moment.

Yeah, I'm going to try and retain my integrity now.

Okay, yeah, good to know.

Moving forward, everything will be the truth from Simon.

As always, that's my thing.

Please come to my show.

If you like the truth, come see Spirit Hole.

What's the best conversation you've ever had during the water course?

I feel like the water course is part of this podcast, but maybe not part of my life

yeah we've definitely put too much too much focus on the water course on this podcast yeah but have i can't really remember exact conversations i've had whilst drinking water but i'm drinking water now and this is going quite well isn't it normally i guess water course is like you've all just arrived at the restaurant so what are the classics um

how you got there what the traffic was like how you've been generally small talk in it Watercourse.

Boring.

Yeah, the boring stuff.

Yeah.

It's boring.

I mean, well, I'm not.

Yeah, small talk.

Who has time to small talk?

We're all going to die.

I love a bit of small talk.

But are you aware of your own death Ed?

No, because I do too much small talk.

So I really put that out of my mind by doing some small talk.

I don't want to think about death while I'm having my water.

You should, because it's coming.

And, you know, you would spend the time more wisely, perhaps.

Yeah, that's true.

But then what would I do?

If I'm having the water course course and I suddenly realise I'm going to die, surely I'm just chucking the water on the floor and running out of the restaurant.

Well, it's not that you're going to die immediately.

It's just that death is coming.

It's coming.

And so, you know, what do we think?

We're all going to be on.

I mean, this isn't a good joke for this moment, maybe, but do we think we're all going to be on our deathbeds thinking, oh no, I wish I'd listened to one more podcast?

What do you think you will regret on your deathbed?

I feel like maybe I'll regret not giving everything I could have in some way.

I want to feel like used up by the end of it.

That's something Oprah says sometimes.

She wants to just be like

done, like she did everything that could be done with this particular incarnation of her being, you know?

I don't know if that's the correct phrasing that I've used there, but she's saying, I just want to be used up.

You want to feel like a husk on your deathbed.

Yeah, like, you know, you don't want to, the regret is, oh, I could have done dot, dot, dot.

But you want to feel like I couldn't have given any more.

The way you feel at the end of a show, maybe, where you're like, you've left it all on the stage.

You're having to lie down at the end of the gig because it was, you've, because you, it all, you know, it all just is on the stage now.

It's all there.

You couldn't have given them one more laugh, that audience.

I think that's how I want to feel at the end of my life.

I couldn't have like...

been any more generous or delightful than I was.

That's a wonderful ambition, I'd say.

Yeah, I don't know if I'll get there, but it's nice to think about, isn't it?

And also that I didn't like hold back on anything because of embarrassment or shame.

I want to feel like I've extracted all the shame out of myself so I can be in a moment with another person without feeling like I have to be someone different so that they'll like me.

I want to just be there, you know, that kind of thing.

Yeah,

that's a good start.

I pretend to be a genie a lot of the time, especially on this podcast.

Well, hopefully only on this podcast, James.

You can't control when I pretend to be a genie on it.

And I'll say pretend there, but the listeners know.

Yeah.

I'm a real genie.

Yeah, we all heard the sound effect.

Yeah, yeah.

We all heard it.

Poppadums or bread.

Oh.

Poppadums or bread, Simon Amstall.

Poppadums or bread.

Poppadums.

Yeah.

There was a thought process there.

Sometimes people are straight in with bread or poppadums and you looked around.

and you sort of you almost like the they were in front of you the the options and you looked at both of them and you reached for poppadums what what happened in that moment simon i think i was thinking about my um first course

that's coming up

and what i'm gonna get from that first course there's gonna be a crunchy element

and um i don't know if i even want the poppadums actually i think uh also i don't really eat much bread so i feel like i don't want i don't want either of these to be honest with with this meal but generally is this offensive no but this is you know it's rare it's rare that anyone passes on anything and i feel like we're approaching a pass on the poppadums or bread course if it wasn't for this starter that that's coming up hang on what why am I why is this being offered?

There's so many courses.

There's too many things.

Well you know usually they bring along a little bread basket don't they pre-meal.

Sometimes if you're in a curry house they'll bring along a

pop-a-dums beforehand.

And also Simon, I want to get to the end of this podcast feeling like I've offered everything I can on this podcast, you know.

Oh, that's nice.

I want to leave it all out there.

So to not offer offer poppadums or bread or anything else that might be brought at this time, if you want to, maybe, if you want to hack the course and pick prawn crackers or something else,

you're very welcome to do that.

Or indeed, pass.

This is your dream meal, Simon Amstel.

Let's pass, but maybe I'd say, okay, I'll have the poppadums, but I might take them home.

It's the earliest the doggy bag has been employed on the off-menu podcast.

No, I think I'm sticking with that.

I imagine you often take food home, so I'd imagine you don't like waste, Simon Amstel.

Is that correct?

Yeah, the second bit's correct.

But sometimes food is taken home.

But I think the key thing is not over-ordering.

But here's a difficult conundrum for you, right?

You want to give all that you can in life and put it all out there, but you don't want to over-order.

Right.

What I'm saying is, do you find it quite hard to find the right balance in life, Simon?

And to like try and go all in, but not too much?

I think I'm talking about giving rather than receiving there.

Maybe I would cook cook too much.

I don't think I would order too much.

Yeah, there's not going to be a moment where you're on your deathbed and you thought, I really should have ordered an extra dish in that restaurant that time.

No, that's not going to be.

That's not going to be the same.

I think I'll think that.

Yeah, me too.

Absolutely me too.

I will think, why didn't I just eat ice cream every day?

Why did I care?

And now I'm going to die and I'll never get to have ice cream ever again.

I'm going to be dead forever.

So in those precious moments when I was alive, I should have had ice cream every single day.

You would have died earlier.

Yeah, but still.

And your quality of life would not have been as good.

You would have felt sick all the time.

Your girlfriend would have left you, you know?

So, in this, hang on, I've got to work out how Simon's envisaged this life here.

So, James is eating so much ice cream that his girlfriend's left him.

Yeah.

What's happened?

Why has it become such a hurdle in his life?

At what point has his girlfriend gone, I've got to go, this ice cream thing's out of control?

Well, he's, you know, he's developed illnesses related to the overeating.

Yeah.

And she said, look, you either need to stop eating, maybe you could see a therapist, maybe this is an emotional issue you need to deal with that's leading to you, you know, filling a hole within that can't be filled.

And you're saying, I just want to eat ice cream all the time.

I don't want to look within.

And she's saying, well, look, you're responsible for your own healing.

I have to find somebody who can take care of themselves because I'm not a doctor.

I want to be a lover.

Wow.

Do you know what?

I thought it was quite a shallow reason for her to leave me.

And then you did the speech and I thought, I'm on her side.

And she's very just giving very mature reasons.

You can have some ice cream.

Yeah.

You know?

And also, there's some really good

vegan, sugar-free ice creams available.

And you can choose your ice cream wisely, have a great time.

Yeah.

As a concession to her, right?

If she says, I think this ice cream's a problem, I think you could still have ice cream every day, maybe, but maybe cut down to those little pots that you buy in a theater.

Maybe.

It'd be quite a difficult one.

Have you got any vegan ice creams you'd like to recommend?

Everyone's doing them now.

When I was on the west coast of America a few years ago, Ben and Jerry started doing them.

And that was a thrilling moment.

And my boyfriend and I were there also smoking Liga marijuana for the first time together and having some legal marijuana and then vegan Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

That is a nice experience.

You are a drugsman, famously.

You love drugs.

drugs are are we gonna are we gonna see some drugs on the menu today because we've had that in the past i feel apart from that occasion that i'm talking about i feel often well magic mushrooms particularly are best done on an empty stomach and ceremonially in a ritualistic way so it's best to best to have not eaten much at all if you're going to embark on a mushroom journey um so no i think i think i think i'm just eating uh of this on this occasion yeah if this podcast was not the dream menu for food, but the dream menu for drugs,

what would your dream drug menu be if we go and start a main course dessert?

I mean,

I'm not really a drugsman, Simon.

But as far as I know, you shouldn't really have loads of different drugs and break them up into a course format.

Yeah,

I haven't heard from any shamans that that's the way to go.

Also, so I consider them to be medicines.

I'm doing them in a healing manner.

So for me, it's like not...

For me, it's, well,

we could do it this way.

Bearing in mind, I'm not a shaman.

I'm just an idiot.

What are your problems?

And we'll see if we can find the right medicine for you.

Okay.

I worry too much, and everyone annoys me.

Is there a drug for that?

So you have anxiety and you're judgmental.

Yes.

Yeah, okay.

So some magic mushrooms would be good for that.

Lovely.

Or MDMA.

Oh, really?

You would drop into

a comfort with intimacy and

an empathy would develop to eradicate all that judgment that you're feeling.

And you would be there with the other person who was ideally also part of the MDMA session and you'd just feel deep love and compassion for them.

There you go.

I'm lazy and I'm greedy and I stink.

Okay, so you hate yourself.

All right, let's see.

Lazy, greedy, stinky.

Sounds like you have depression, Ed.

So what drugs can I take?

I think, yeah, some magic mushrooms would be great for that as well, of course.

Or if it's calling to you, then Mother Ayahuasca of the rainforest.

If you want something really dramatic, or if you feel the need for something incredibly life-changing.

ayahuasca is the one do you need to go is that you need to go to peru to do that one is that right yeah yeah yeah and and they say that she calls to you right so i kept hearing this this is like 11 years ago when i went for the first time you keep hearing this word my friend was talking about out of nowhere and then i heard it somewhere else and then when i got there the shaman said she has called you all here you will have received messages and uh my boyfriend was more cynical he kept saying um yeah i keep i keep hearing the word skiing when are we doing that

also i'd imagine uh

i think it sounds lovely but i would imagine that everyone who is there is there because they've heard about it and decided to go there um

no one stumbled into it and sat down and gone i wasn't called here i just sat down i don't even know what this was that's true maybe it works the same way advertising or marketing works is that you sort of need to hear about something three times yes and then then you buy a ticket but i should say that like all these things that we're talking about should be done done very carefully.

They're very powerful things and they're not for everyone.

Blah blah blah blah and also a lot of them are totally illegal.

Good luck everybody.

We move on to your starter.

Okay so there used to be a restaurant up until recently called Manor in Primrose Hill that served to share nachos especial,

which is nachos.

And

they were really just lovely and we could all share them together.

They had black beans on them.

They had some kind of nut cheese.

It was a cashew cheese.

And various other things sprinkled on top of these nachos.

And, you know,

you know how you eat nachos.

It's like a delicious, fun, communal thing.

You pick them up with your fingers and you shove them in your mouth.

Then somebody else has some and then they're finished.

You strike me as someone who wouldn't be competitive or territorial when it comes to the nachos.

You'd be quite philosophical about it all.

Yeah, the nachos I'm enjoying sharing.

Dessert less so.

So with the nachos, are are you deliberately leaving some of the fully loaded ones so

everyone can get involved on that?

Or are you going straight for what you consider to be the best nacho?

I think I am going for the best one.

You're going for the best nacho, aren't you?

What's the dream nacho for you?

Oh, it's just got it all on it, I suppose.

So it's got all the stuff I was talking about there, and like a lot of the nut cheese.

Look, I I love that there's vegan cheeses out there available.

I feel like we at some point we're going to have to come up with a better name for it than nut cheese.

Because it's not selling the nachos especial.

Every time you say nut cheese, I move further and further away from wanting them.

I mean, we, I think, if I was amongst um fellow plant-based uh people rather than you psychopaths, yes, I would uh I would just call it cheese.

Yes, of course.

You're like people who think it's normal to like go up to a cow, steal its baby, chuck that in the bin, and then suck its tits.

Yes,

that's what you're into,

yes, and you can't hear the word nut cheese.

No, that puts me off.

It's disgusting.

Yeah.

I want some cow titty cheese.

We're all different.

We're all different.

Well, I watched your wonderful show, Simon.

It was a few years ago now.

Was it Carnage?

Is that what it was?

Oh, yeah, Carnage.

It's still on iPlayer, I think.

I think it's going to be on iPlayer until everybody is vegan.

Yeah, and it's absolutely phenomenal.

And I watched it, and it really moved me.

And I thought it was a brilliant idea and well executed.

And I was like, yeah, I agree with every point in that.

Anyway, let's crack on with the meat meat now, shall we?

How did you do that?

I have absolutely no idea, but I've made it so funny.

I made it so emotive.

I don't know how you did that, Ed.

I don't know what more I could have done.

You heard from Ed earlier, Ed's little description of his problems, that he clearly hates himself with a passion.

So, you've at least achieved that.

Before he watched Carnage, he quite liked himself, loved eating meat, and now you've at least made him completely detest himself for being a meat eater.

You're right.

Well, that's the first step.

Yeah.

Now, we've had a comedian on the the podcast before called Joel Domit.

And he came on the podcast and he chose Nachos as his starter.

And his reason for having Nachos as his starter was because you never know how much you're going to get when you order Nachos and you never know how big the portion is going to be.

And that was his sole reason for it.

And he got a lot of hate on the internet for that being a reason.

Well, he just likes surprises.

What does he mean by it?

Yeah, he likes that you order Nachos and you never know really how big the portion of Nachos will be until it arrives on the table.

And that was his reason for ordering it i can see why the hate arrived but i'm now concerned i didn't know that this was going that there was a possibility of hate as a result of this podcast oh you will never hear the end of this podcast

i'm afraid i think everything so far has been pretty solid choices the nachos sound very nice my only issues with nachos simon is that all the good stuff's on the top and then quite often you've got three or four layers of dry tortilla crisps underneath so are these nachos are they layered up or are you hoovering off the top layer and sending the dry crisps back?

I think I guess the reason I'm mentioning the nachos from Manor is that they did them so well there was there were none of these problems and it's sad to me that the restaurant is no longer there because I've tried to recreate these nachos in my own kitchen and it it hasn't gone as well.

I used to love making nachos at the Star Inn in Geddington when I worked in the kitchen there and we would layer them up.

So, you know, one layer of chips and then chili and cheese and then chips chili cheese and just do that like about three or four times and they were good and the ones on the bottom were the best because they were like really like like you had to eat them with a fork or a spoon you couldn't just pick them up because they were really limp just like they'd been covered in in chili and they they you had to just eat them with a fork or a spoon at the end but they were the best ones

the limp nachos yeah the limp nachos i think me and simon both reacted to that in exactly the same way.

You described them as the best nachos, and you had to eat them with a spoon because they gone all limp.

So horrible.

Like a bowl of shreddies at the bottom.

I loved it.

I want a crunch.

I feel we may have gone on too long about nachos because some of this now feels a bit like commentary to some other event whilst we're waiting for some goal to happen or something.

Is that accurate?

You're worrying about it too much, Simon.

Trust me.

Okay.

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Is your main course to share, or is the main course just for Simon?

There's three options.

Okay.

One, Bristol.

Yeah, I've been to Bristol.

Yeah, but I mean, as part of the ruse, or the ruse isn't the right word.

Is it ruse?

This podcast?

You would like us to go to Bristol?

Yeah, I'd like us to all go to Bristol if we can for the main course.

But this is only option one.

I would like us to go to Cafe Kino for the Beetroot burger because it's very delicious.

But there's option two is can we go to LA?

Can we go to LA?

Yes.

Yes.

I'd like to go to Cafe Gratitude

Which is I don't know if you've heard of it, but it we've been there.

We've been there.

You've been there together.

Yes.

We've spoken about it on this.

Guess who we saw in Cafe Gratitude?

You have three guesses.

It's a celebrity.

All right, here we go.

I think we need to give you a clue that we're in Cafe Gratitude in LA.

Danny Divingtoe.

No, no, wait, wait for the clue.

Okay, sorry, sorry.

It was the most.

It was the most vegan experience possible.

That was that the clue?

That's the clue to who it was.

Okay, well, Moby.

Yes.

Bang.

Got it.

It was Moby.

It was Moby.

It was Moby.

Here we go.

Oh, boy.

Well, anyway, so you know about Cafe Gratitude.

I mean, you must have spoken about it then because it's such a funny, ridiculous place.

I think two people have selected something from Cafe Gratitude on their dream menus.

Ashling B definitely did.

All right, then.

So let's go to my third option.

I think this is the one because it's the easiest because I can just stay at home for it.

It's pasta with grilled aubergine, spinach, pine nuts toasted, walnuts toasted, and pesto.

That sounds very nice.

And is this right at home?

Is this something that you make?

That's just, I'm just making that.

And so that's no problem for anyone.

Talk us through it, because people are going to want to make this at home themselves.

Oh, okay.

If this is your dream meal and it's something you can just make at home, I reckon people would appreciate the Amstel pasta.

Well, I don't know if it's that complicated, but I'm sure.

Let's see if I can.

I mean, I feel like

as I explained it, people might go, yeah, pasta.

You're saying

pasta.

But yeah, you get some pasta from a packet.

What kind of pasta?

Well, I would go.

I think there's a brand called Garofalo.

I think we have that.

And so you put some of that in a boiling saucepan.

What shape is Garofalo?

Ah, Fuzzili.

So you put that in the boiling water for as long as it says on the packet.

Or a minute less.

That would be my tip.

A minute less.

Great tip.

And meanwhile, while that's going on, you want to get the pesto out of the fridge or cupboard, wherever it is.

Green pesto.

Sackler vegan green pesto.

Yeah.

And then delicious.

Delicious.

Oh, I love it.

And then after you've done that, you want to get out a frying pan and you want to toast some walnuts and pinuts.

Yes.

And while they're going on, you might want to add some spinach into the boiling water so that wilts nicely into the boiling water with the pasta.

Yeah, straight in.

Wow.

See, this is a sort of, I'm glad we asked you how to do it now because that's the sort of tip that I would never have thought of.

Yeah.

Straight in.

And how much?

Because like it's quite satisfying putting like loads of spinach in something and watching it shrink.

Yeah.

Um you get like a basketball's worth

of spinach?

Uh

what somewhere in between a tennis ball and a basketball.

What would that what would that ball be?

A bowling ball?

Yeah.

A bowling ball of spinach.

There we go.

And then, I suppose you're just playing the waiting game.

And then when it's one minute less than it says on the packet,

you get your colander out.

And then, I mean, this is

very obvious.

No, it's not.

No, it's not.

It's not obvious.

You put spinach in the boiling water with the pasta.

Are you joking?

All right.

Well, so you pour everything, the spinach and the pasta, into the colander, give that a shake, get rid of any excess water.

Oh, I haven't mentioned that I've grilled the aubergine during the day.

This is what I was thinking, when's the aubergine's coming into play?

Sorry.

Before I even boiled the pasta, there were some aubergines chopped into nice circles, no more than like a centimetre thick, if that.

And they're spread out on the baking tray, a little bit of olive oil, a little bit of pepper.

They go into

the oven, and maybe

grill if you haven't got much time,

or oven if you have more time.

And then, hopefully, the timing is good.

And then, so you've got your pasta, all the water's gone, and then you put the pasta back in the saucepan.

You put the pesto in the saucepan, you put the pine nuts and the walnuts in the saucepan, you put the

what do they make?

The auber sheet.

You put the auberchieve in the saucepan, and then you mix it all together and you put it in a bowl or two, or three or four, depending on how many people are there, and then you eat it.

I think that sounds great.

That sounds really good.

Do it.

Yeah.

What they never say at the end of recipes in books is, and now you eat it.

Yeah.

It's amazing how often I forget that bit.

Prepare all that stuff and I look for the last bit and it doesn't tell me to eat it.

Straight in the bin.

There you go.

I feel exhausted now.

I kind of don't know how those chefs do it.

It's amazing.

How often are you making the grilled aubergine pasta with pasto and walnuts and pine nuts?

It's once a week, that happens.

I'm going to do it tonight.

Do it!

I've decided.

Wow, I really started something here.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna go to the shop after this, get the ingredients.

That's that's what I'm having for dinner.

James is on the lookout for a new pasta dish because him and his girlfriend got quite into making a different pasta dish.

And I saw them the other day, and I mentioned the pasta dish, and they both looked really tired when it came up because they've clearly been eating it far too much.

We love it, but we are ashamed of how much we've been eating it all the time.

What is it?

What's the Chorizo broccoli pasta?

It's a really good way of using up all your broccoli stems.

You chop up the broccoli stems and it gives it a real nice crunch and it's got capers in it and garlic and chili and parmesan and it's absolutely delicious and if either of us haven't had a very nice day the other one always goes i'll make some chorizo broccoli pasta for you and then we have that and it is like you say very comforting uh but definitely as soon as i heard there is another pasta dish that is comforting i'm like right i'm gonna learn that immediately I forgot to say a drizzle of olive oil at the end of some black pepper.

That's quite nice.

And is that before or after you eat it?

Where does that step come?

That's just before.

Just a moment before.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't want to get those the wrong way around.

I do want to know, because otherwise I think, I feel like it's a bit of a cliffhanger, what you would have ordered from Cafe Gratitude.

I actually printed the menu earlier, just in case.

Just in case we landed the Cafe Gratitude, because I hadn't been there for a long time.

You printed out your menu or you printed out the Cafe Gratitude menu?

The Cafe Gratitude menu.

Partly because I thought it would just make me laugh.

Yeah.

All the dishes are called funny things like enchanting,

magical, optimistic, open brackets, new closed brackets.

And when you order in this restaurant, you have to say, I am, dot, dot, dot, whatever you want.

You have to say, I am community.

And then when they come and bring the dish, they say, you are community.

And so I don't know what I'd have.

I think I'd have maybe the glorious sandwich or the humble entree.

And then they have all these lovely sweet things like the joyful, the opulent.

And then there's like coffee is called the courageous.

I am courageous.

I didn't realise that.

I said I am black coffee because I didn't realize you it was a different thing.

But I was wanting to get into it.

And we've talked about this before, how it's so, you're so awkwardly British in that situation.

So you have to do it with like a massive dollop of irony.

You have to be like, oh, go on, I am courageous.

What a lot of silly Americans you are.

But you got quite into it, didn't you, James?

I went straight into it.

I thought, may as well.

When in LA and I said,

yeah, I am whatever.

I am brave.

And what I loved was when they do say it back.

Because then you say to them, I am brave.

And they go, you are brave.

i really enjoyed that

yes did you have someone come over and say uh as a suggestion during your meal today we're asking people to talk about what they're grateful for today did that happen no

i i wish it had i mean that was at the end of our trip we were we've been in new york for a week la for a week we're about to go back it was the last day i think if they'd told us to talk to each other about what we're grateful for we that would have been we hadn't fallen out the whole trip but i think that would have been the conversation that made us fall out with each other maybe Maybe they did come over and say, We're thinking you should discuss what you're grateful for, but we were probably just all on our phones.

Yeah, at that point.

What are we going to do about those phones?

I love them.

Get bigger ones.

No, we've got to do it.

It's a we're addicted.

We're addicted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's going to be the mad thing.

The deathbed thing

is going to be so many of us are going to be there.

And that regret of what you didn't do is going to be absolutely terrifying for some people.

Probably myself included.

We just go, oh, what the fuck did I do?

I just stared at my phone for so long.

Especially our generation where, you know, any generation who remembers what it was like beforehand.

And so now we're more scared.

Because little kids seem a bit more chill about it because it's part of their life.

But we are.

Because we're like, oh no, I remember what it felt like to actually think about stuff while I was waiting for things.

And it wasn't that bad, actually.

I think the only way out of it maybe is if we, I guess we have to keep the phones now, right?

They're there.

but maybe we could make it so the the battery life is three minutes

and then to recharge it takes a month yeah yeah that's the only way out of it

it would be annoying but we'd be free

So your side dish, is there something that would complement the comfort pasta?

I'm too full with the pasta.

What would I have as a side dish?

I can't.

I'm going to have to pass on the side dish.

You're the least hungry man we've ever had on this podcast.

You've already passed on the pop-a-doms.

I've had a lot of falafel during the technical discourse.

Yeah, I think, but generally, pasta is enough, isn't it?

A side dish.

I mean, it's not.

Olive oil is not a side dish, but it is on the side.

Can I have olive oil?

You'll just like some olive oil as your side dish.

Yes, there you go.

Okay.

Any particular type of olive oil, Simon?

Do you have a favourite olive olive oil?

I don't know.

I suppose just the...

We get a big, we get a big tin from a local shop here

that's like an enormous tin, and then we decant that into a bottle with a nozzle thing.

And I don't think nozzle is the right word, but you know what I mean?

A plug.

Like a

plug with a...

with a

pouring stem and a cork.

Yeah, this is, we still haven't got it right.

A bung?

What's it called?

I don't know.

Anyway, so so it'll be that oil from

the shop that we get that oil from.

Or whatever, any oil.

I don't care.

Just oil.

No, I like it.

I like the.

I'm glad that we asked that because I didn't know that you would have such a...

I just get a bottle of olive oil and that's it and then that's on the side.

But you have a tin and you put that in a jug and you put a cork stopper in the jug and then you pour it out special every time.

Yeah, special.

Yeah.

I like that.

Are we talking extra virgin virgin?

I mean, you don't see anything other than that these days, do you?

I don't, not that I'm aware of.

Yeah, just the extra virgin.

I suppose organic, ideally.

It's just weird that I don't know why they need to specify extra virgin and virgin now, because you don't see like.

But you'd be worried if you saw the packaging and it didn't say it.

You'd be like, what the hell off this?

Yeah.

Who's been sucking these olives?

Yeah.

This goddamn dirty promiscuous olive oil.

Yeah.

No, thank you.

Olive oil takes me back to the start of the pandemic, actually.

Oh, yeah.

Take us there, James.

Please.

We've already been to Bristol, LA, and Simon's house.

Please, let's go to the start of the pandemic.

Well, my ears started acting up for no reason.

I didn't know why.

They were really blocked.

And I was like, what the hell is going on?

Which has happened to you before, yes?

Yes, I've had, oh, I've had problems in my ears before.

Had to go to ER in LA with my

ears.

Was

so painful.

You went to the set of ER, Simon.

Can you imagine that?

You just wandered onto the set of suddenly.

Wow.

It must have been been so dramatic.

Yeah.

But do you swim a lot?

Sometimes it can happen if you swim a lot.

I never swim.

I hate swimming.

Oh, maybe you should swim more.

I really hate it.

So that's definitely not that.

I didn't know you hated swimming.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate swimming.

What happened to you when you were a child in a swimming pool?

Good point.

Give him a mushroom, get him talking.

Yeah, here we go.

Let's do the ceremony, and I'll tell you all about it.

When you were a child, did you drown in a swimming pool?

Oh, that is it.

I didn't try and drown myself once, but that's been well documented.

I've talked about that before.

Tried to drown myself because my dad didn't get me the Spice Girls debut album Spice.

So

I tried to drown myself in the shallow end of the swimming pool.

But maybe that's part of it.

When the Ketter in Leisure Village opened, when I was a teenager, it was a big deal.

We're very excited.

The swimming pool had a wave machine, a jacuzzi, and rapids.

And I'd go there a lot.

But, you know, being a teenager, so very body conscious, really aware that like my friend who would often go to the swimming pool, he was like already a full man.

He had just, you know, that just all happened for him.

And I'd feel like a little boy and very, just too, yeah, too body conscious, really.

So I still feel like that when going to the swimming pool, don't like it, hate it.

So my ears had nothing to do with that.

In LA, it was because I've been on a plane and then it messed my ears up.

And then I went, but like, they did say that they were too waxy.

Start of lockdown, they were messing up again.

And I was like, I don't want to go to the doctors because there's this pandemic and everything like that.

I don't want to go there just for my ears being a bit blocked.

So I looked online and it was all just like, pour olive oil in your ears.

So I just did that all the time.

I'd sit there or lay there on the bed on my side, just letting the olive oil just soak into my ears.

And actually, that was very relaxing.

Talking about having a break from your phone,

I was just lay there and I could hardly even hear.

This is just that nice muffled, almost ASMR kind of noises in my ear.

And I would just lay there and let the olive oil just soak up all the wax.

Or the wax would soak up the olive oil.

And then...

Then you wash it out.

Yeah, and then you'd wash it out.

I mean, that bit's gross.

Did it work?

Does it work, though?

Yeah, it would work.

That's great.

I think we might have put people off the pasta for tonight now.

Yeah,

but yeah.

How did you get the olive oil in there?

Because it seems like, Simon, you've got the perfect setup for getting it into it.

Oh, yeah, I could come over and clean your ears out, no problem.

That pouring stem, or whatever it is.

That is true.

I used a little, so I already had something out.

So I used a little, one of those eyedropper kind of things, but I just use that in the olive oil.

Great.

That's great.

This is such a great podcast for tips.

Yeah.

I think we haven't had an episode with so many tips in it before.

We've talked about tips for doing drugs, tips for

tips for healing.

Tips for healing and taking medicine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes.

Tips for

making pasta, tips for unblocking your ears with olive oil.

You haven't given any tips, Ed.

Little bit selfish with your tips.

No, I've not given any tips.

What would you like?

I can give a tip.

Is there any tips you would like from Ed?

Simon?

Anything that Ed can help you with?

Any tips?

I wonder.

Well, he seems to have won an award in his Zoom frame there.

I wonder what he won that for.

Which one?

Or two.

Hang on.

There's one with a man's head.

That's an award, is it?

Greg Davis's head.

That's the Taskmaster trophy.

Oh, congratulations.

And then that's what's that trophy?

And that's Richard Osmond's face.

That's for Richard Osmond's House of Games.

Yeah, that's right.

So you've really been putting yourself about there, haven't you?

Oh, yeah, I'll do anything.

And winning.

That's a skull, just because I like skulls.

That's good.

That's to remind you of death.

Yes, yes.

And that,

the thing behind you, does that say wear a condom?

Yes.

Well, that's a great tip.

There you go.

That's a good tip.

Yeah, that is a good tip.

That's a Joe Lysett painting.

And it's a picture of a baby in a glass bath and it says wear a condom.

He's a very talented boy.

There you go.

I think we did it.

So your side dish is olive oil.

With a condom.

Would you like the olive oil in a condom, Simon?

Yeah.

Actually, you mustn't put olive oil anywhere near a condom because it makes it ineffective.

Oh!

Is that true?

Another tip.

Okay.

Gonna have to know why you know that.

Well, because I have sex,

yes, but yeah, but that's absolutely you must use a water-based lubricant.

An oil-based lubricant would damage the condom.

Oh, top tip, top tip, listeners.

Yeah, that is a top tip.

Enjoy your pasta, enjoy your sex.

I think broadly, the tip is never dip your dick in your side dish.

Yeah,

yeah, that's that's catchy.

But your dream drink, is it another glass of olive oil?

What about the water?

I've had my dream drink.

Oh, no, I knew this was going to happen.

Is this another pass?

It's another pass.

I can't believe this.

Just some pasta for me.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Now, Simon, do you remember earlier we said, oh, don't worry, you won't get any hate.

Now you've passed on three things.

This is feeling like we're approaching.

I don't think anyone would dare.

hate on Simon Amstel.

I think everyone loves you too much.

However, you are, at the minute, I'm on the verge of starting up an Instagram account and absolutely destroying you.

I'm just trying to, uh, you know, it's important to be able to say no, that's very important.

But kombucha, if we're talking about a different drink to water, I would have some kombucha, no problem.

Your homemade one, yeah, or your mother's one to

splice things up.

My mother would love to make you some kombucha.

Okay, great.

I'd like to receive it very much.

You would love it.

Um, she asked me to tell you, don't use it as a lubricant.

That does sound like her.

That's what she always says when she drops round her home make on boot chick.

So are you not a boozeman, Simon?

No, I haven't drunk anything since I was about 25.

No.

No,

no, just the drugs.

Just the sweet drugs?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because anything, yeah, anything healing, rather.

Like, alcohol is a depressant.

So if you have...

If you're prone to a bit of depression, you don't want a depressant going into your body.

You want something that's an antidepressant, like magic mushrooms.

Well, this this is an alcohol culture uh terrence mckenna talks about like there are different like in a there are mushroomy cultures not that people are doing mushrooms all the time but there's the possibility of them and here it's not like people are drinking all the time generally but there's always the possibility of going to the pub and having a drink and so it's like an entirely different situation here why have i said all that i can't remember where i was going but basically of course we are the way we are because this country is the way it is i think you really have to like you have to go through something like growing up gay to go, hang on a minute, maybe the culture's wrong, because otherwise, I'm a pervert.

So, once you've done that, once you've sort of broken through that barrier, then you're looking at everything, then you're thinking, well, hang on a minute, should I be doing this?

Because if I'd have followed all the rules, I'd be married to a lady called Laura now and deeply miserable.

That is the rule.

She has to be called Laura.

She must be called Laura.

The start of this year, I went the longest, I think, I've gone in maybe 10 or so years, like without alcohol.

I had three months of not drinking.

And Joe what?

It felt really nice.

And I made the mistake of telling a teetotal friend of mine that I had, oh, it's three months of not drinking.

It's pretty good.

I feel pretty great.

And so, and then he was like, right, well, in that case.

I'm going to set, well, he didn't even run this by me, actually.

He just did this without asking me.

And he sent me 100 cans of alcohol-free

And I would drink them every now and again and have them in the fridge.

And they were quite nice for alcohol-free beer, actually.

But also, during that time, I just gradually started drinking again every now and again, anyway.

And I had the first 50 cans of alcohol-free beer over time.

I had them out as they were.

When it got to like can 51, I thought I can't have another 50 of these.

So I've started adding whiskey to them sign.

And

I had a shot of whiskey, a can of coast, and then a few drops of lime juice, squeeze a bit of lime juice over the top.

And in bars, if you get like an alcoholic beer with a shot of whiskey in it, it's called a boilermaker.

So I call my cocktail the boiler faker.

And it is actually delicious.

And I think quite a good way for people to like have a boilermaker without getting completely trashed.

Because it's not a pint of beer with a whiskey.

It's alcohol-free beer with a whiskey.

Another great tip.

It's another great tip.

It's another great tip.

I think it's pretty clever.

Yeah.

And it is the best invention.

I think it's the best thing I've ever invented.

I guess it's not what Coast had in mind, but mushroom.

Absolutely not what they had in mind.

Simon, if ever you were like, oh, you know, it's like, it's that, you know, it's January or something and it's dry January and you don't want to do a magic mushroom, would you buy maybe a pack of like button mushrooms instead?

Just

for the feeling.

Good question, Ed.

Well done.

Sure.

I mean, I have also have just the general mushroom in my life.

Yeah.

But Joy January isn't for like people enjoying psychedelics.

That's for people who are like drowning in alcohol, isn't it?

Yes.

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So let's go on to your dessert now.

Now, I know that you're going to have a dessert because you mentioned during the starter.

Because let's face it, so far.

So far, you've had still water, you have passed on poppadoms or bread.

Taking the poppa doms home.

Yeah, you've taken the poppads home, but you're not eating them.

You've had a starter to share with people.

So let's face it, you've had like, you know, one or two little

fully loaded chips.

You've had your pasta.

You've had a little side of olive oil and you were going to pass on the drink, but eventually decided that you would have kombucha.

So we've got plenty of room here for this dessert.

Well, that's why, you know, I've been so wise thus far.

Yeah.

Because otherwise I'd be like, I can't possibly have dessert after all this madness.

So now I can have my big slab of chocolate cake with ice cream lovely yeah and you look so happy as well so please you look so happy saying that they stamp of chocolate cake of ice cream really happy with that lots of icing vanilla ice cream to go very well with the chocolate my boyfriend the other day made a chocolate cake out of courgette somehow it was the most moist delicious thing i've ever eaten yeah it wasn't i mean it was it wasn't like mainly courgettes but there were courgettes in it and uh it was just amazing And that's what I want for my dessert.

Do you want your boyfriend's courgette carrot cake?

Not carrot cake, sorry.

Courgette, forget carrots.

Sorry.

I'll tell you what was in my mind, though, that people get weird about things like courgette cake.

So they're like, oh, why are you putting courgette in cake?

But these are people who eat carrot cake without worrying about it.

It's the same thing.

Hypocrites.

At the minute, Simon, I should, I mean, maybe you can empathise with this.

Ed is gearing up to go on tour and tour a comedy show.

So any territory where his mind goes, this could be a routine, he starts thinking in comedy routines.

So, immediately there, he heard courgette cake.

Oh, people don't like that, but then again, people eat carrot cake.

So, what's the matter with them?

And then he started thinking in a comedy routine and then got himself confused and said, Courgette, carrot cake.

How bad a comedian do you think I am

that I at any point would consider doing a routine where I say, Oh, courgette cake, people are weird about that.

What about carrot cake, guys, guys?

I mean, I've considered worse things on the lead-up to writing comedy shows.

I'm not saying it was going to make the final cut.

No, I might try it, actually.

I went on, what's it, Bake Off Extra Slice when they were doing Vegan Week, and the audience all bring in cakes that they've made.

And I'll be honest with you, Simon.

When I was on my way there, I thought, well, I've really drawn the short straw here because I was going to try everyone's vegan cakes.

This is going to be so disappointing.

They were delicious.

And I think there's so much of an emphasis on, you know, oh, they're not moist enough vegan cakes that people have really cracked it now.

And if anything, they're the most moist, like sumptuous cakes.

They were great.

I couldn't stop eating all of them.

Like, and I got given quite a lot.

And also, because everyone just hangs out afterwards who has made the cakes, they really want you to try theirs as well.

And I was just sitting there.

Nick Hewitt had already gone home, but I was eating all of them.

That's great.

Yeah.

I think also we've advanced the point where...

I walked past a donut shop yesterday that happened to be a vegan doughnut shop.

Wow.

It wasn't even it was called doughnut time or something in the middle of soho and it just like happened to have i don't know it was like 80 vegan donuts and they weren't even they weren't even telling people did you get a donut from there because i love doughnut time my boyfriend did my boyfriend got a jam doughnut and he thought it was bloody delicious it's so i mean i used to live literally opposite a doughnut time

and i i i lived there for three years i think and i only went to the doughnut time in my final week of living there because i knew that if I went there early doors, that was it.

All bets are off.

That's good.

Because they're extravagant donuts.

They're huge and they've got entire chocolate bars sticking out of them and stuff.

Yeah.

I was talking to Ed the other day about how I've never been to Cinnabon because I know that if I had a Cinnabon, I would want to go to Cinnabon all the time.

And so I've never been there.

I don't know about Cinnabon.

It looks amazing.

Ed's had them.

So he'll tell you.

Big like cinnamon bun, basically, but they cover it in like icing.

It's crazy.

They're like, I think like one of them is like a thousand calories or something.

Right.

that's too many calories.

There's too many calories for one thing, Simon.

So yeah, I mean, I can't have them very regularly, obviously.

Do you think the sweet stuff that we're drawn to, it's because we miss our mother's breast milk, isn't it?

Oh, don't ruin it, Simon.

Maybe this will help.

Yeah, maybe this will stop James eating ice cream now.

Yeah, stop drinking a kombucha as well now.

I think that's what's going on there.

There's something very so comforting.

We feel so safe.

We feel so taken care of when we're eating a bowl of ice cream.

We feel like nothing else matters, and that must be how we felt when we were being breastfed.

Some people aren't breastfed, though, right?

Well, they even eat with the bottle,

whatever it is.

I'm you know, bottle-fed, it's basically like here, this is all you need, just this sweet, sweet milk.

Yeah, and uh, and then we're like, well, we can't have that now because that would be strange.

It's you know, it's odd enough that mum's bringing over all this kombucha.

What's she trying to do?

Um,

but what we can do is we can, you know find our own sweet things but too much and uh nature says come on now you're an adult

get you off the tate I prefer savory stuff so what's going on there yeah you were breastfed enough yeah

I alone

there was ever a point where it was withheld or you were crying and not picked up yeah you were you had a good childhood you just thanked your mum next time you see your mum yeah give her a big hug.

Today, she's genuinely over sitting room now.

Yeah.

I'd asked you earlier, but I interrupted it.

Asked if you would like your boyfriend's courgette cake as your chocolate cake dessert.

Yeah, it was really good.

It might be the best chocolate cake I've ever had.

Oh, actually, there was one another time that was so good I had to sit down.

I was stood up.

Why were you stood up anyway?

I was seeing my, somebody brought it to my kitchen.

It was from, where was it from?

It was from a restaurant near where she was doing something that day.

And then she brought this cake, and I was standing up in the kitchen.

I tried a bit, and it was like so intensely-I guess it was dark, it was like a dark chocolate cake with a

crunchy base.

I had to sit down, it was so good.

Wow,

I remember that being a good one.

But I, but I, you have to be careful with this stuff, you know, anything that's like that intense.

I remember when I was less good at realizing that the fulfillment of stand-up comedy came from the performance itself.

I would, after a show, maybe you'll relate to this, going on tour yourselves, need either a chocolate cake or somebody to have sex with.

And I ended up having a lot of chocolate cake.

So yeah, you have to really, it's actually good to like, like, you know, if you're if you're present and you eat the chocolate cake and know that you're eating it and you're there for for it, you know, you're like really appreciative of it, I feel there's no, there's no problem there.

The problem comes when you sort of didn't even know you were eating it and then you need another one.

That's when you're in trouble, yeah, yeah.

And yeah, same goes for the other as well: sex, the sex.

Oh, yeah, you have to be there for the sex.

I mean, it's difficult not to be there for the sex, it's so uh, it does that to you, doesn't it?

The sex, unless you're with the wrong person, perhaps.

It calls to you, it calls to you, it calls to you.

I just love the idea of you, you finishing a show, Simon, and the back, like just running through the last routine in the back of your mind, just going, Which one is it going to be this evening?

Which one tonight?

Oh, dear.

Yeah, that won't happen this time.

This time, I'll just be fully enjoying being on stage.

Now you have a boyfriend who can make chocolate cake.

I mean, this is absolutely imaginative.

You're right.

You've completely landed on your feet here.

Oh, my God.

You're right.

Oh, what a life.

I don't even need to do the talk.

Well, I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

So, for water, you wanted still water.

Poppadoms are bread you want poppadoms to take home, but you don't want to eat them right now.

For your starter, you would like the nachos with the nut cheese on it to share with everyone, which comes from Mana, M-A-N-M-A, now closed.

Your main course, you would like the Guild aubergine spinach, pine nut, walnut, pasta recipe earlier in the podcast.

If anyone wants to make it, I want to make it tonight.

Side dish, just a cup of olive oil.

We should have absolutely torn you apart for this menu, Simon.

It really speaks to how sort of charming and gracious you are as a guest that we've not absolutely obliterated you for this.

Here's the thing.

We would normally obliterate someone for this, Simon.

Don't get us wrong.

We would normally obliterate people.

But

what I have genuinely found throughout this podcast is that you seem so

just content and genuinely happy that I'm like, well, what am I really angry about here?

Clearly this is about me.

Simon's got his life sorted, but I'm there.

I'm drinking booze, I'm eating meat, I'm

anxious all the time.

Why am I thinking that Simon's wrong?

Actually, I think what me and Ed think is wrong, and actually, you should just have a cup of olive oil as a side.

That's that's genuinely been my experience during this podcast: has been to question everything about my life and what I do in a good way, even though I know I will not change.

Okay, it was going so well until that last episode.

That's it, even though I know I will not change.

You should be a preacher.

That's really funny.

You would like homemade pure kombucha as your drink.

And for dessert, you would like your boyfriend's courgette chocolate cake with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Yeah.

And what happens now?

Do I just sort of think about that for another?

Do I eat that some other time?

Does it get delivered to me?

What happens?

Normally, Simon, then like, you know, it's from sort of restaurants and stuff.

And, you know, people will go to those restaurants or whatever.

We wouldn't deliver you the meal.

but the the menu you've picked you could feasibly just go and have right now yeah yes except that i had a lot of fluffboard during the technical difficulties yes sure

we've perhaps not illustrated quite how bad the technical difficulties were but took us about an hour to get up and running usually normally the guests thanks us for yeah it says

um hang on hang on uh

hey guys thank you so much for having me and uh asking me what my menu would be or is and

I can't wait to...

Well, I'll listen to the podcast.

I'll write down what I said and then I'll make it.

Then you can make it.

Yeah, exactly.

Finally, there's a...

Write down all the tips.

There's

a recorded history of how to make that dish now.

I'm so glad this was a conversation that was recorded.

Imagine if we just got together and said all this.

I mean, it would just be absurd.

I mean, it really would be absurd if we did that.

Yeah, yeah.

Simon Abstill, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you, son.

well there we are

thank you very much to simon for coming in i loved that episode james it's the most drugs chat we've ever had it was enlightening i loved talking to simon i could chat to him for hours which we did actually because there were so many technical difficulties yeah we kept on going in and out and having loads of chats with him that couldn't make the edit because they didn't get recorded or we lost them in the ether of the internet but what a what a wonderful person to chat to loved chatting to him glad that he didn't say crest He didn't say the secret ingredient.

So we didn't have to chuck him out.

That was lucky.

Really liked Simon.

I think he was a really good company.

Very patient with all our technical difficulties.

Yes.

But let's not beat around the bush.

Shit, man, you.

Well, yes, because we're recording this outro a few days after we recorded the episode.

And I can confirm that...

I was so excited by his Dream Main that I made it myself.

And, you know,

it was fine.

I was surprised you were so excited by by it and that you couldn't wait to cook it.

It sounded delicious the way he described it.

And I feel I got more excited by the fact that I knew I could cook it.

Yeah, I think that was it.

I think it was the accessibility of the ingredients.

And you were like, I could go now and get all those ingredients and cook it tonight.

Yes.

And grilling the nuts up.

That was exciting.

I was looking forward to doing that and getting

some crispy

pasta.

I laughed at that.

I laughed at you saying grilling the nuts up.

Sure.

Yeah, that's fair enough.

You're allowed to laugh at it.

Although, I think that grilling the nuts up is a catchphrase from our roasted toasty podcast.

Yeah, please stop crossing the streams.

We're getting confused now.

Keep it roasty.

Keep it toasty.

All our fans, we love you the mosty.

That's what we say on the roasted toasty podcast.

This podcast is Brady Cheddy Ready for Betty.

Brady Cheddy and Ready for Betty.

The best thing I've ever said on this podcast, the best joke I've ever made.

I think your memory might be playing tricks on you there, James.

Everyone knows that's my number one joke.

That's my catchphrase.

Brady, Cheddy, and Ready for Betty.

Yeah.

I'm a genius comedy genius i thought of that speaking of comedy genii simon amstell is on tour go to simonamstell.com to buy tickets for his tour

spirit hole but he's not the only one on tour james ed gamble's on tour as well me go see my show electric edgamble.co.uk for tickets.uk february 2022.

And edgamble.com.

We're still still a mystery.

You could just go on it and have a look.

Not me.

The listeners have to crack the case.

Right, okay.

Crack the crest.

Crack the crest, everybody.

And if someone wants to make up like a sort of uh like me and James to look like an egg and crest, but also uh sort of film noir detectives with the catchphrase crack the crest underneath, that would be mighty appreciated.

Well, James, thank you very much.

In terms of intros and outros, that was uh pretty efficient, pretty efficient.

Okay, yeah, sure, pretty efficient.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, everybody.

Hello, I'm Lou Sanders, and if you've enjoyed this podcast, you might like my podcast, Cuddle Club.

It's about cuddling, yes.

But really, it's just a way into relationships and asking cheeky questions like who was your mum's favourite and when were you lost unfaithful.

Previous guests include Alan Davies, Ashley B, Catherine Myan, Rich Dosman, Ed Gamble, Nish Kumar, and other legends.

Get it on A Cast, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your all podcasts.

And remember to CC everybody in.

If CC stands for Color Club.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

left

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oh hi james have you heard the news oh yeah go on You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes, but it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito has bent to their whims.

And he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok.

At Off Menu Podcast.

On YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it.

And you're finally getting it.

Full Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.