Ep 106: Josh Gondelman

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Hello, Ed Gamble here.

Sorry to interrupt the beginning of off-menu, but I'm allowed because it's partly my podcast.

But very excited to say that I'm going on a national tour in 2022.

The show is called Electric.

I'm very excited to show it to you and to be in front of real people again.

That's going to be the most exciting thing.

So please come and see it.

If you don't come and see it, I will get the great Benito to work out that you listen to the podcast and you haven't come to see me on tour.

And he will block you from the podcast.

And he will love doing that because he is evil.

Check out edgamble.co.uk for tickets to my tour, Electric.

I'm going all over the country.

If I'm not going five minutes away from you, hey, travel 10 minutes.

It's worth it, I promise.

Edgamble.co.uk.

Check out where I'm going on tour, buy some tickets, and I'll see you in 2022.

Anyway, on with the show.

Welcome to the podcast that resembles a steak tartare.

It's raw and delicious.

Different.

Yeah, you like that?

Beginning?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, look.

It's absolutely fine.

I'm always working off the top of my head for these because even though we've just recorded an intro for another podcast, I still forgot that I had to do this bit at the beginning.

Yeah, you absolutely did forget.

I see it in your eyes.

Always panicking.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

We're in New York City.

We're in an actual bar, and that's where you can hear a coffee percolator in the background.

Yep, that wasn't me doing a sound effect.

No, although you are very good at sound effects, aren't you?

You're like the man from Police Academy.

Yep.

Yep, and when I say like the man from Police Academy, I mean you're like Steve Guttenberg trying to do sound effects.

Yes, yeah.

His capital is not good at sound effects.

No, not at all.

He's very good at other stuff, but not a sound effect guy.

What's your name?

Oh, Ed Gamble, sorry.

I'm James Acaster.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

It's a a food-based podcast where we ask a special guest some simple questions.

What are they, James?

Their favourite ever, starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink.

Indeed, and our special guest this week is the wonderful, wonderful comedian, Josh

Gondelman.

He is excellent.

Oh, sorry.

Just doing a very easy fart.

Josh Gondeman is a wonderful stand-up comedian.

I've seen clips of his online.

I've followed him on Twitter for many years.

He's very funny on Twitter.

And turns out, he's a lovely man.

We've heard lots of rumours.

We've been told by so many people.

All we knew going into this interview is Josh Gonderman is the nicest man on the planet.

Excellent.

So Josh Gonderman, despite being a nice man, we will be horrible to him if he says a secret ingredient, which we have predetermined before the interview.

James, what is the secret ingredient this week?

Chicken feet, Ed.

Chicken feet?

I don't think I've ever had chicken feet.

Me neither.

So really, we've just been very narrow-minded about something that might be delicious.

We are, but I don't want it.

Yeah, I don't want to eat it.

No.

I guess it's, I mean, I don't know.

Maybe I would still eat them and maybe I would like them, but personally, they give me the heebie-jeebies.

And yeah, I don't know.

Maybe, maybe that's a bad thing.

Maybe that's a flexible thing.

Maybe we should try chicken feet.

Yeah, maybe we should try them.

But we really struggle to come up with secret ingredients on this podcast.

And so we're just going to say chicken feet because Josh Gondolman is so nice, we don't want to kick him out.

And I don't think he's going to say chicken feet.

Yeah, exactly.

Right.

Let's hope he doesn't say chicken feet.

This is the off-menu menu of Josh Gondoman.

Josh Gondolman.

Welcome, Josh Gonderman, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you so much for having me.

Welcome, Josh Gonderman.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Wow.

What do you think that sound effect was?

Were you appearing out of thin air?

Yeah, pretty much.

That's my first guess.

That's a great guess.

Thank you.

Yes, actually,

I got some.

It was originally going to be thin air, but I got in, especially some fat air.

Oh, that's good.

I prefer fat air personally.

It tastes better.

Tastes better.

It's warmer to the touch.

Yeah, yeah.

I love a fat thick air.

It's what it's about.

Just air you can take a slice off.

Yeah, yeah.

Lovely slice.

So James is a genie.

He's just appeared from some thick air.

I have an amused bouche for you.

Thank you.

Obviously.

I hate a bored bouche.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If my bouche isn't being entertained, it's like, no, thanks.

Especially, you've just arrived at the restaurant.

You don't want any boredom in the bush.

Chulky little bouche waiting there for you, stropping.

Yeah.

You got to hit the bouche fast.

You got to hit it hard.

Absolutely.

Tickle it.

Tickle the bouche.

Yeah, straight away.

Now, this is a new format point that you invented yesterday, James.

Yeah, I just decided that we don't do enough amuse bouches on this podcast.

So, what's the amuse bouche?

Pizza.

Oh.

A full pizza.

Yes.

A full pizza.

Yes.

Do I have to eat the whole thing?

It's an amuse bouche.

It's up to you.

Absolutely.

I thought you'd like pizza before you meet.

What kind of toppings are you talking about?

Fish.

Fish.

Yes.

That's an anchovy.

Fish pizza.

Like an anchovy?

It's just all kinds of fish.

Okay.

Just like a bunch of different kinds of fish.

But I didn't have time to cut any of them up, so they're all whole.

Whole fish.

But like, it's fish pizza.

Shrimps with the shells on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're all there.

The whole seabed on top of your lovely pizza.

Thank you.

Really sound like an amuse bouche.

It sounds like it's going to make the bush quite confused.

Yeah, it's a confused bouche.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A confused bouche.

That's quite nice.

This is the number one podcast for a confused bouche.

When you said you don't think you do enough amuse bouche on the podcast, I still feel like however much you were doing, it's more than every other podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Amuse Bouch is a great name for this podcast.

It's too late now, but.

Yeah, we should have done that.

Yeah, that would have been a

good name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, well.

Josh, are you a foodie?

I like food.

I'm not pretentious about it.

I will, I have like, my taste is incredibly broad.

Yeah.

I eat most things and I'm like, that was pretty good.

I like basically everything.

I used to get teased at an old job because we would have sometimes they would bring in lunch and some of the writers I worked with would be like, this one isn't my favorite.

And I'd be like, I don't know, it's lunch.

So I'm into it.

I'm eating it now.

Yeah.

It's good.

It's in my mouth.

It's good textures, flavors, all the things I like in a food.

Something people like, if you go in someone's house and they say, is there anything you don't eat?

Yeah.

And I always feel bad that I'm like, no, there's nothing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

You want to give them something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They can be like, oh, we'll take care of you.

Yeah.

I don't eat, I'm not into a tomato, like a big slice of tomato.

Like just raw, raw raw tomato.

Yeah.

I'll eat it in things.

It's not, it doesn't put me off as an ingredient, but as like a, as just a, a component, I'm not into.

Like a, um, what's that salad that's just, it's not even a salad.

It's just basil and cheese.

And uh, is it Capriza?

Capriza.

Yep, that's the one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like two-thirds of that rather than just leave the tomatoes.

You could pick the, you could pick the cheese out quite easily.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It looks like the cheese has been raptured.

I got into it again a couple of years ago, tomatoes really yeah yeah yeah

when did you fall out with tomatoes just got bored of them

pretty boring I don't see what the fuss is about why is it everywhere you know we didn't understand that's how I feel it's in it shows up in every sandwich yeah

everywhere overhyped but then I went to

a chef's table restaurant so it's one of the one of the chefs from chef's table and I just wanted to go because of that show yeah and one of the dishes was this amazing tomato salad with like a tomato jelly as well that they'd made and really made me appreciate the like just the flavor at the core of a tomato.

Like, and I've like taken it for granted for so long, and then it suddenly made me see it all again in a new light.

And now I love it.

Anytime there's any tomato in anything, because it reminds me of that dish, and I can find that hint of that flavor in there, and it takes me back.

Have you had a tomato epiphany?

Have you had a tomato epiphany, actually?

I love it.

It was like, the tomato's been hot the whole time.

Yes, the sugar was a fairy.

Exactly.

It was exactly like that.

We always start off with still or sparkling water, Josh.

I go with still with a meal, please.

Or tap if you have it.

Even in a dream restaurant, I'm like, we should keep the cost down.

Yeah.

Does it make you feel better?

It does.

Yeah.

You feel bad if you're getting like painful stuff.

I still need

$6 for just water or water.

Sure.

I always ask for tap as well, but I always feel bad when I do it like I'm a horrible piece of scum.

But they don't, it's not harder for them.

Yeah, but they, but they always say, do you want still or sparkling?

And I'll go, they never say tap, no one ever offers tap.

So then you have, it's like a secret code, it's a hack when you have to say tap.

I always worry that they think that when I ask for that, I will not be a good tipper.

Yeah, that's the thing.

Right.

Because they're like, oh, he's really cutting cuss from word one.

All tap, no tip.

That's what I'm saying.

All tap, yeah, tip.

Because that's where you, I was gonna say, that's where you save money.

Tap and tip.

Tap and tip.

TNT.

TNT.

That's exactly.

Any consultant will tell you that.

I like a still water with a a lot of ice.

I like my beverages as cold as possible at all times.

How much ice?

Because

I don't want to come to your country and start flinging around accusations, but I think Americans over ice.

I over ice.

You over ice.

I prefer.

I mean, I'm drinking iced coffee currently

in the winter.

I like it, not mostly ice, but enough.

I like it cold top to bottom.

Sometimes you get ice that's just on the top and the bottom is still room temperature.

Sure.

Yeah.

That's not for you.

That's not nice.

Yeah, because you get it.

I work hard.

I deserve the beverage at the temperature I prefer.

You want it stacked.

Oh, yeah.

Stacked.

I don't need it dense, but I need it stacked.

That's the word for it.

Ice in your home?

Oh, yeah.

Always.

If you come to my home, you will not be disappointed by a dearth of ice.

You go to the freezer, it's in there.

Yeah, in the freezer.

Do you have one of those little machines on the front of your freezer?

No, it's on the inside, though, so it makes it by itself.

Yeah, and I

take it for granted fully, like the tomato yeah yeah

i just think it'll be there yeah if one day i opened the the freezer and it hadn't made it i wouldn't know how to fix it i'd be very disappointed wouldn't know how to call who to call to get it fixed and i would just drink warm beverages until i moved yeah and just feel uh disappointed but you'd move quickly right yeah yeah yeah you'd immediately put it into i would tell my wife i would say honey we gotta get out of here we have to move house preferably into an igloo yeah

so i could eat the wall

a house that i could drink slowly yeah It's my favorite Raymond Chandler shirt story, Raymond Carver short story.

A house that I can drink slowly.

I wouldn't know how to...

Who would you call to fix the ice machine?

I guess, so we have a landlord, and I guess I would call him, but then I don't know who he would call.

Do you call the company that makes the refrigerator?

Is it a plumber?

It's a water issue, but it's not really a pipe issue.

Yeah.

Or is it?

It'd be weird if the plumber

deal.

Do you have a plumber deal with ice as well?

Or just water?

Just liquid water.

Yeah.

Is there an ice plumber?

I don't know.

And then a gaseous one.

You get a steam problem.

Oh, that's going to be a different guy.

An ice plumber.

I like the thought of an ice plumber.

Yeah.

I think that's.

He wears sunglasses.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's cool.

He's cool as well.

He's really cool.

Pop-looms or bread.

Pop-loves or bread.

Josh.

Pop-loves or bread.

Oh, bread, please.

Bread, please?

Very polite as well.

Very polite.

It's not a politician.

Me and Ed haven't met you before.

But your reputation perceives you as a polite, nice man.

Thank you.

That's very kind.

I don't think I've ever heard one person get so many compliments before I've met them before.

That's very kind.

I appreciate that so much.

I knew you would take it nicely like that.

Well, I try.

How nicely you took it.

I've been trying not to be like, like, when people compliment, which, you know, happens from time to time, I try not to be one of those guys that's like, oh, you think you think something nice about me?

Well, you're a fucking idiot.

Only an idiot would say something nice to me.

It's the ultimate test: is tell a nice person they're nice.

And then you get to see.

Yeah, see how they really are.

See the truth.

I could just be really good at facades.

Yeah.

Just facades in general.

But then

if you've taken it that far,

the nice facade, then you're basically nice, I think.

It's hardly.

Right.

The facade has penetrated to the inside.

If you don't show to anyone that you're a nasty person and just are nice to everyone, I think you're nice.

Yeah, that's not bad.

Yeah, you've gone so deep undercover.

Like practically in the moment.

Yeah, you're the godfather of nice.

Depends what you're doing in secret, though, I guess.

If you're being nice to everyone but you're poisoning everyone, that's not

being nice to everyone.

That's not nice.

The facade is there.

Yeah.

Nice to everyone's faces, but then

poisoning them.

Secretly poisoning us all.

Killing the ice.

Killing them, not with kindness, but with poisonous eyes.

Yeah, sending the ice plumber around to their house.

Yeah, he's got the sunglasses on because his eyes are shifty.

He knows what he's doing, that ice plumber.

There's some people in the city because obviously New York has a reputation for like some people really yell at each other and stuff like that.

And on night one,

we saw some classic uh new york brashness it was like they it's like they welcomed us to new york by having an argument outside the hotel

like that's a concierge service yeah yeah yeah yeah could we have a new york argument outside the room please two men arguing uh by a car i assume one of them owns the car don't know what they're arguing about but one of them was just saying you can suck my dick you suck my dick bend over and suck my dick he said bend over you suck my dick that's a classic new york city insult in england by the way that'll get you punched in the face.

Oh, yeah.

In New York, that's kind of like the opening salvo in a negotiation.

It's like, well, you want me to suck your dick?

That's not really what I'm into right now.

Let's see if we can reach a middle ground.

Because there was no threat of violence.

They were stood like quite far away from each other.

The guy was just taking it.

And then, well, the worst comeback in the world.

Worst, but also my favorite comeback I've ever heard.

The guy went, why don't you get your wife to suck your dick?

Not unfair.

We're just like,

why don't you and your wife share an intimate moment?

Yeah.

We hardly know each other.

This is too much given our relationship.

I'm mad at you, so I'm definitely not going to do you that kindness.

You're suggesting.

Also, it was bend over and something I did.

Yeah, it's not even get on your knees.

Yeah, fully bend to the hips.

Bend.

The wife.

I know you have back issues, so this is not going to be an author ball.

We're in the street.

I don't want you to put your knees in any dirt.

Bend over.

There might be puddles.

Just bend over standing.

We don't have the time.

That sounds like something your wife should do, actually.

This is a thing for the bedroom.

This is not.

Yeah, this is a private moment.

You seem very lonely.

And

I can't meet your needs.

That was it.

That was the opposite of

the opposite gondoman.

It's so funny.

Yeah, an opposite gondoman.

Yeah,

yeah.

That's just

that's the sex position.

It's the reverse gondoman.

A guy unsuccessfully demanding a stranger suck his dick.

Yeah, well better than the way.

Yeah.

So

bread.

What bread would you like?

I like, does a roll count as a bread?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So kind of a some kind of like grain, whole grain roll, dark grain roll, with

there's like a honey salted butter.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

The butter is the thing.

Any soft bread will do, really.

Yeah.

It's just a vehicle for the butter.

That's going to be a theme through my meal, I think.

It's a vehicle for butter.

Butter vehicles.

And yeah.

Butter vehicles.

it's like oh uh they look good from far away butter vehicles

just a horrible car have you had this honey salted butter anywhere in particular yeah there was this place that closed uh and this is gonna get wistful my my wife and i we had this favorite restaurant it was where our parents met each other we took both of our parents out uh to meet at this restaurant called rye in our old neighborhood we lived in williamsburg brooklyn yeah and they just had the the greatest butter and my my wife is diabetic so she doesn't eat a lot of bread because the it just turns right into the sugar, which is really, you know, she has to really calibrate carefully.

Type one or type two?

Type one.

I'm type one.

Oh, I didn't know that.

I'm type one, but I've just eaten a cookie because I'm in New York.

Fuck my blood.

New York City, baby.

Suck my dick, blood.

But nova, blood, and suck my dick.

So she, um, so, but she will, for the salted butter, this kind of sweet salted butter, she'll get, she used to get excited and would, you know, budget for that.

Healthy.

yeah you've got to give some things a pass yeah for sure you can't live your life denying everything no agreed yeah and so it was terrific and their their restaurant has has since closed and we we miss it but we don't we don't live there anymore we moved because our last ice maker broke so we're in a different neighborhood in brooklyn now did your wife fall in the hudson no oh no just to let you know josh this is a running joke where james claims that i uh got type 1 diabetes because i fell in the thames

it's just a good question i thought it it was interesting because I thought probably not the Thames, right?

Because you guys don't live near it.

So maybe it was the Hudson.

But I'm glad to hear that your wife coincidentally hasn't fallen in the Hudson because that would really like that would back up his theory.

I would have really landed on my feet there if she had.

Small sample size, but it really wouldn't.

If your wife had fallen in the Hudson, it would have done me a lot of favours in the long run on this podcast.

Like, I can see if she'll do it.

Yeah.

She's very nice.

Well, maybe also any body of water.

If you could ask her if she's ever fallen in a body of water there, and then we can find out.

Yeah, we can find out that.

Because I'm trying to, it's for the good of everyone, really, if I find out, get to the root of it all.

It's good research.

Yep.

I like reminiscing about places that have closed.

I think that's very nice.

And

I like it when people bring that to the podcast.

Do you have like favourite...

Do you think about places that have closed often?

Yeah.

There was a place in Auckland in New Zealand where I only go there once a a year for the festival, the comedy festival, and there was a place called Honey Trap, and they did this sandwich, and it was the best

beef brisket kind of sandwich with,

there's this amazing coleslaw in it and pickles.

My favorite sandwich ever.

And it's shut.

I also have a favorite beef brisket sandwich at a place that no longer exists.

A barbecue place in Boston called Soul Fire that's gone.

Talking about places that have closed is like the ultimate New York City pastime.

And I think

until you don't know, like until you have a favorite place that closed, that's, I think, when you become a real New Yorker.

Because I know in every neighborhood, when you can point at any bank and just be like, ah, I used to get a tattoo there.

That's like truly the New Yorkest thing of like, you just look at a thing that sucks and remember when it used to be good.

And that's like, that's everybody's favorite hobby.

It's it, which you can't recommend to tourists.

Right.

You just have to be like, I guess go to the Whitney.

It's smart.

Because you can't, you can't reminisce about a place you're visiting.

Yeah, you never live.

You need to stay here for a few months and see the full life cycle of a restaurant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because that's what a lot of places don't last long here, right?

Like, they're stuck, because it's quite impressive if you manage to keep a restaurant going for a while.

Yeah.

It's really impressive.

Yeah.

There's a restaurant in our neighborhood.

I don't want to blow up their spot, but it's so bad.

And

it's been open for like six months.

And we walk by it all the time and just go, this place, how

it must be a front.

Yeah.

They must run numbers in the back, some kind of gambling program, because

it's not enough to be.

It's like, does this restaurant have rich parents?

Like, who pays its rent?

That's when you know you're a bad restaurant.

If you feel like such a, your food is so bad that you get investigated by the FBI because everything ever,

it has to be a front.

This can't be a real restaurant.

No, what is it?

What is it here?

What are you trafficking?

Have you been to the restaurant?

Yes.

Yeah.

We've gone a couple times.

It's like, it's one of, it's like a coffee shop and restaurant, but it only seats like four people which is a red flag that's not enough people to keep a restaurant open especially if you can go in and get a seat immediately yes yeah right right right there's never a lot

they're like we'll take the table

it's open sir

and but they do prepared food it's not just like a small you know it's not just a window coffee shop it's like they'll they'll serve you a warm meal and uh and that's a bad sign that it's like well we don't expect people to sit and eat sure at our restaurant yeah i think

four seats.

You've either a horrendous restaurant or you're the best restaurant.

There's a documentary about you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's called Four Seats.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They serve each person one quail egg.

Yeah, and they only have a landline.

That's the only way you can.

That's the only way you can.

You can't make reservations online.

You call their phone.

There's a sushi restaurant in London where they've only got a landline, but

they put on their Twitter account.

We have one seat remaining for 5 p.m.

next Friday.

Call now.

And they plug in in their landline.

And as soon as they've booked it, they unplug their landline.

That's incredible.

That's so, oh, I hate how much I love it.

Yeah,

I like wish I could just be like, well, I guess I'll never go there.

But now I'm like, oh, I want it so bad.

I've never been there, but they're the only people, the only Twitter account I have notifications for.

So whenever they tweet, I'm like,

how often do they tweet?

Well, I'd say like once a week they tweet with like, next week we've got one seat, but it's always one seat.

Throw their phone out the window.

Yeah,

they come a phone a week.

What do they tweet from?

Do they call?

They have a guy they call.

They're like, do the tweet.

And then unplug the phone.

Do you remember that?

When Twitter started, there's a thing you could text your tweets.

Yeah.

It was crazy.

Yeah.

I remember hearing about that.

It was a literal game of telephone.

We come to your starter.

Yes.

Very exciting.

Yes.

The main show.

Well, the start of the main show.

Yeah.

The start of the main.

For me, it's the main show.

Yeah, for editors.

I love the

starters.

Do you have an all-time favorite?

It's not about us.

Right, right, right.

Okay.

Sorry.

I don't mean to pry.

Josh, keep your fucking nose out of our business.

Okay?

That's a sad starting to slip.

So I'm going to start with a particular salad.

There's a restaurant called Rukula in Brooklyn that has this great salad.

It's escarol, goat cheese, toasted almonds,

and this light dressing.

It's like a, I looked it up this morning.

It's like a honey elderflower vinaigrette, but it's not too sweet and it's not too tangy and they don't overdo it and it's just right.

I'm sometimes against a nut in a salad because it's hard to fork.

You got to scoop it.

You can't just beer and all that, but it's so good.

And it's like, I always like to start with, I eat the vegetables first whenever I'm eating, because then I will always have eaten the vegetables.

And it doesn't matter.

Because I know, like, if I get a steak or something and there's vegetables on the side and I start with the steak, it's like, you know, that

spinach might linger.

Yeah.

But if I start with the spinach, like, I'll finish the steak.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's no way you're going to get half of the steak and go, oh, I overfilled myself on spinach.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

I

should have thought this.

Every time, Josh, you overfill on spinach.

They're like, stop eating so much spinach.

You're going to fill up on spinach.

God.

Never advice.

And may I ask, this is another question.

For this meal, is there an occasion?

Because I realized when I was thinking about it in advance, I was conceiving it as a last meal, which feels like a very American concept, right?

Because we still allow the state to execute people barbarically, and then we give them the last meal first.

So at first I was thinking about that and then I was like, well, I guess I might as well choose a meal that I would think afterwards.

I want to die and then I would die.

But I've reimagined it as a meal that I would want to eat and then continue living.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So I think, you know, it's the dream restaurant, so it can be whatever you want it to be.

The occasion can be whatever you want.

I'm going to go continue living because it feels a little depressing to go like, my dream restaurant, they murder me at the end of the day.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it'd be the worst.

Yeah, I think this is a continue living possible.

One of the best guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll continue living occasion.

You'd have to tip huge if they murdered you at the end of the meal.

What?

Yeah.

You would have to just give a real impressive tip.

Oh, so that they didn't murder you.

Or if you were like, well, you're going to have to murder me when I finish eating.

So like, here's an extra $7,000.

So you're paying a hitman if they make it.

Yeah, essentially.

Right.

It's a chef slash hitman.

It's a Bradley Cooper film.

Yeah, so you're thinking that if you tip them big, they'll make it painless.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They'll dispose of it.

It's just like, it's a lot of effort they have to go to.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

So you're starting with the salad, which is starting with the salad.

A lighter start.

It's a lighter start.

Continuing living.

I would like to continue living.

I love your reasoning for the, you know, being a bit cautious cautious about having a nut in the salad because it is difficult to scoop.

But I do love nuts in salads.

I love the texture of it and the taste.

Yeah.

A walnut in a salad.

A toasted walnut.

Oh, so good.

Oh, so good.

Delicious.

I put toasted walnuts on something the other day.

I can't remember what I was cooking.

All I remember is the walnut.

That's how good it was.

Toasted too many walnuts and then just kept eating the walnuts.

Just to fill in the walnut back.

Yeah.

Yeah, just to be exactly okay about the other side.

I don't know what happened.

I always want to have a nut in every mouthful of salad, though.

If there's nuts in the salad,

I don't want a mouthful without a nut.

Same with the little goat cheese.

I try to evenly distribute the cheese throughout the bite.

Basically, this is another dairy vehicle, isn't it?

It is.

The cheese is good, but I do like the escarol, the dressing, the nuts.

It all works together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's escarol?

It's like a kind of a big, floppy lettuce.

Great.

Yeah.

I think.

That's how I would describe it.

I thought, yeah, I thought lettuce.

It's lettuce-esque.

Lettuce-esque.

Yeah.

It's in the lettuce realm.

That's why it's got escarol.

The full name is Lettuce Escarol.

Love it.

I like the sound of this very much.

It's delicious.

We've had a salad with nuts in it yet.

When you first had that salad,

were you like, this won't be that great?

Yeah.

This could be whatever.

Yeah, I thought we should have a salad.

We were looking to split a salad.

I was out with my wife, Maris.

We were looking to split a salad, and

we crossed off the ones that were objectionable to us for various reasons, too much tomato and the like.

And then we were down, I think, between this and one other one.

And we said, oh, we'll take a chance on this.

And it is like all-time favorite salad.

Yeah, I mean,

having a salad, I usually just do it for conscience.

I feel better.

Exactly.

Guilt purposes.

When you stumble across a good one.

Oh, yeah.

That is exciting.

Yeah.

You think you found a secret because you've gone to a corner of the menu.

No one with an actual appetite for good times would go.

There's like dust all over the salad.

salad bit yeah

you have to blow all the dust off

is this gonna teach me how to win the game of thrones

and you read the salad out loud and you invoke a invoke a demon

I'd love it though that kind of stuff you'd love the salad demon I'd love to open like a menu and there's like a treasure map in there yeah like I would love to find a treasure map so much oh it'd be so great yeah I would even love one of those if you turn around the picture and on the back there's like a priceless work of art oh yeah like you're like oh embedded in the picture frame you scratch it and it's like oh this was painted by Picasso himself or whoever any kind of any kind of fancy secret any secret a bookcase that you pull the book I'd love that just once I lived in the house when I was at university and we found out there was an extra room in the house that was bricked over so there's like a window that we couldn't work out where the window went and there was like a wall in front of it a little extra room you went in the secret room yeah there's nothing in there here's a question go on i wouldn't ask this if it wasn't during during your university days.

Go on.

Did you have a wank in the room?

No.

I didn't wank in the secret room.

No.

No.

I wonder what kinds of secrets are in there.

I think most students would probably...

Have a wank.

Do you think most students, the first thing they do if they found a secret room, would be have a wank?

Well, no one's going to find you in there.

It's a secret room.

It is a secret room.

Yeah, but I'd have to break down a wall because there wasn't the door to it.

So I'd have to break down a wall, which everyone would hear.

Like a horny Kool-Aid fan.

There'd be no way of blocking that off then.

So then they'd come in and I'd just be wanking in some rubble.

It'd be the saddest thing.

I don't understand.

They'd go, oh, we see what's happening.

Oh, we've already done that.

Yeah, yeah.

We try.

Put it back.

Yeah, yeah.

Very carefully building, learning how to do mortar work.

Reminiscent about the wank while they're building the wall, rebuilding the wall.

Good work, actually.

Very cool.

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I hope we haven't affected your appetite now

without wank talks.

We're going to talk about your main course now.

So that salad does really teach you what nice to essentially do whatever you like.

Like in terms of

I'm setting myself up for, yeah, just to run wild during the meal.

Great.

And I'm still going to keep it pretty simple because, again, I'm going to want to live afterwards.

So I think we go lobster roll.

Oh, yes.

Which is also, in effect, a vehicle for butter.

Oh, yeah.

And lobster.

To be fair, the lobsters.

Yeah, the lobster gets a lot of it.

The lobster headlines the roll.

The butter isn't even mentioned.

It's like a cameo.

Yeah.

It shows up during the credits.

But yeah,

I love a lobster roll.

I grew up in Massachusetts, which is lobster oil country, I think.

And so there's two kinds.

There's the kind with the cold kind with mayonnaise and the warm kind with butter, which I think is the preferable kind.

That's a king.

Yeah, that's a good lobster roll.

And you kind of...

you get it at a place where I feel like there's places you go at the beach where you're like, I had like a lobster roll and you're like $23.

And then you see how much it is and it's it's like an entire fleet of lobsters has perished for the one roll.

And people say, you know, like there are people who go, well, it's like a cockroach, right?

It's like eating a cockroach of the sea.

They, they, to try to harsh your good time.

But to me, that just makes it sound like maybe cockroaches are also delicious.

Exactly.

Because lobsters are so good.

Why are we not eating cockroaches?

Yeah.

And it's, I've never had a lobster like crawl out from behind my refrigerator.

You know, it's just a different relationship with them.

Cockroaches can survive anything, right?

So you'd try and steam them like a lobster and they'd just like run off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just little butter tracks.

Yeah.

Thanks for the free butter losers.

Into the sea.

Bend way over and suck my dick.

Bend down as far as you possibly can.

Suck my tiny little cockroach dick.

The lobster, I think, is where that's where, that's the main main course.

So it's not too heavy, but it's certainly...

It's a little decadent.

Is there a specific place

from Massachusetts?

There's a few places.

My family used to go to this place called Woodman's, which is like up on the north shore of Massachusetts.

And they would have, you sit outside at picnic benches and get all sorts of seafood.

You get lobster and steamed clams and mussels and all that.

And I have very fond memories of it.

And I don't go back that much in the summer.

So I've like, I always miss out.

But it's like, I will routinely.

get my parents a gift certificate there because I know they'll go there anyway during the summer.

And so I'm like, here, enjoy this meal you were planning to have.

That's like a nice meal out because otherwise I like, I really spin out buying a gift.

we've gone my family has gone on to a restaurant gift certificate based gift giving system primarily right and I think I've initiated that that's such a good decision it feels terrific yeah it's so good because there's some places around where I live that you know it's a little fancy to just go and if you don't think about it in time for like oh it's my birthday oh they're already booked you know I guess we'll go next year and to go like oh I'm gonna get a gift certificate there so it's top of mind and then lock down a reservation Very nice.

That's fair.

I do like that.

Yeah, that's really good.

That's really good.

Yeah, as you get older, just it's more about time spent with each other than it is.

For sure.

Brilliant.

And it's also like, I don't need that much stuff.

Yeah.

And my parents don't like the same stuff that I do.

So like, I'd be like, hey, this is pretty cool.

And they're like, we don't need these high-top Jordans.

My mom is like, I'm not going to wear those.

Okay, well, I'll take them back then.

Yeah, sharp shoes.

They are conveniently my size.

Men's 10.

I I don't know why that was my guess for your shoes.

I also like that you've chosen the lobster roll and not a lobster because I am of the opinion that it is better and I don't really understand

when people buy lobster and they spend ages like being a surgeon and trying to eat it like that and it's just a mess.

And I think just put it all in a roll

and have a good time.

It is.

It's an easier time.

Yeah.

I do like kind of cracking it open, but that feels not in a restaurant.

It feels like, you know, everybody else is like eating chicken with a fork and a knife and you're just ripping into it like it murdered your family.

You're just like tearing it limb from limb.

And it just feels like really barbaric to do while other people, like if everybody's doing that, it's fine.

But if you're, if you're the only one performing that kind of like amateur surgery, as you're saying, it's like a little ugly.

I quite like it.

I like cracking into the lobster.

I like any food where they have to bring you a bib.

Yeah.

I'm a big fan of that where they're like, we know you're going to get messy.

All bets are off.

Put this child's bib on.

You get barbecue ribs.

They bring you like those wet naps before the meal starts.

Like, you're going to get extra dirty.

Like, you have napkins.

You're going to need more.

I don't like cracking them open because I think that I'm going to get a shard of like claw in my meat.

Like, that's what I worry about.

Oh, interesting.

I worry that I'm going to have a little, horrible little shard.

What do you worry the shard will do?

I just don't want it in my mouth.

It just feels the thought of it is horrible.

That's a confused bouche, isn't it?

Yeah, that's very confusing.

Just

the shards.

Imagine someone bought that out before a meal.

I would call it a refuse bouche.

Keep it out of my mouth.

We've invented so many bouches today.

So many bushes.

So many different types of bouches.

We're going to bouche pioneers.

We're bushineers.

Have you ever chosen your lobster?

I have.

What do you look for in a lobster while it's still alive?

Size is one.

Yeah.

That's most of it.

Because I don't know what else makes it delicious.

Fight.

Like, right, if it's friskier, is that going to be...

Am I just like, oh,

I like the spirit of that one?

Like, that feels

very warlord-like.

Yeah, it does, yeah.

But the whole thing feels quite warlord-like.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Tearing it open with your hands.

Yeah.

You shall die.

Yeah.

Just pointing at it at the tank.

What would you do if you looked at the tank of lobster and there's the biggest, plumpest one, and you knew you wanted it, and you were about to point at it.

And as you're about to point at it, it looks at you and waves.

Oh, waves of its claw like really like nice sweetly waves at you good to meet you yeah yeah are we gonna

when i

are we vibing

is this something okay i'll come and meet you but you gotta promise

i thought you were gonna say what would you do if you looked at it and it had your face oh that would be very bad i would try to i i think i would offer them a sum of money to give it to me to not eat yeah if it had my face because you'd need that you'd need that lobster as a pet.

Yeah, or a or a just a body double.

Yeah.

The way Saddam Hussein used to have.

Send it into one.

I'm not sure you'd fool the government.

That's true.

Go, Josh Gondorman's gonna be at this event today.

He appears to have a lobster's body.

Yeah, well, we can't shoot him.

Might as well boil him.

We're gonna trick him into a pot.

You definitely need yeah, if you saw a lobster with your face, that'd yeah.

Someone said, Do you have any pets?

I thought you were gonna say, if you were about to point at the lobster and it pointed at you, I'd turn it off.

Yeah, yeah.

And then it would have to defeat it in single combat before.

Oh, yeah, that would be scary, actually.

It would be very scary.

All those options, it would put me off eating the lobster, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All of them.

I would be like, I'll just stick with the salad.

Yeah.

I'll just double salad.

There's a little chain in London called Burger and Lobster, which when it opened, it was basically on the menu was only a burger,

like lobster that you have to crack and a lobster roll.

And it was like 20 pounds.

They have that here too.

Oh, did it?

But they've expanded the menu a little bit.

Yeah, which I missed the original menu.

I thought that was so fun.

Yeah.

Just three choices.

Yeah, and that lobster roll was great.

It was the first lobster roll I ever had, and it's still maybe my favorite lobster roll.

I do go pretty nuts for it.

Really nice.

But yeah, they expanded the menu too much.

They had a burger, but they put lobster in it.

Yep.

And I was like, I'm having that.

That's right on my street.

And then that's too much.

It was too much.

It's too much.

I think they just end up just like basically just being a normal restaurant with the longest name in the world.

Yeah.

Burger and lobster and lasagna and quiche, and coleslaw, and corn on the cob.

And we definitely have dessert.

Don't think we don't have dessert because we didn't say dessert yet.

And drinks.

And there we go.

Well, you're not going to go thirsty in this restaurant.

That's all part of the name in print.

And tables and chairs.

And good service.

Yeah.

A warm welcome.

And a moose bouche.

A refused bouche.

A confused bush.

Your side dish, then to go with this.

I mean, so are you picking a side dish based on your main?

Man, I'm gonna go a thin French fry.

Yeah, not one, yeah, like a side thin French fry, very long one.

Yeah, just one that I'm gonna like a long, like a Cruella de Ville cigarette.

Yeah, yeah, just gonna hold it in my mouth.

But yeah, uh, skinny French fries that you can dunk like three at a time in a ketchup.

I like to uh, because it's at Burger and Lobster, they bring along the lobster roll, they have the fries there in like a like a big cup, yeah, And then they have the butter boat with the butter in it that you can pour in your lobster roll.

I like to pour a bit of that butter over the fries.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Very luxurious.

Yes.

That's like a dream restaurant meal that you can have in real life.

But

I almost, for my main, I almost went with a fictional food,

but I never tried it, so I didn't know if it would be worth using my dream on.

I almost went with the chicken from the chicken restaurant in Breaking bad

because people love it so much they didn't notice that they were making meth downstairs yeah this is the best chicken anyone's ever imagined that restaurant near you really needs to take a leaf out of that book yeah for sure if we're going to cover this up we need to make the food better we need to make the food better yeah people are going to catch on to our four chair restaurant

yeah

that that's one of those things where like when breaking bad first came out um people would like all the merch came out but none of it said breaking bad on it so you had to have seen breaking bad to know the merch.

So like the Heisenberg drawing or the

chicken,

and then you'd see it be like, oh god, that person, that person's really cool.

Yeah.

And now I'll see people with that t-shirt.

I'm like, future, I had little links.

Yeah.

Oh, for wearing that chicken t-shirt for.

What's the name of the restaurant, innit?

Polos Hermanas.

Pollos Hermanas.

Right, right, right.

Because, yeah.

A Polloco, I said, but that's a real place.

We could just have that.

Yeah.

Right.

We were in a couple of years ago into a wedding in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and they are still riding that break your bad train hard.

They have like rock candy meth, like meth, rock, candy and gift shops and like hats and t-shirts.

It's all over the place.

I feel like they've not taken

the morals from Breaking Bad necessarily.

No, no, no.

They've come away with completely the wrong.

Just the aesthetic.

Yeah, they've been like, oh, the meth.

We'd sell the meth to kids.

Meth is cool.

Make it blue.

It tastes delicious.

Yeah.

You can't put it down.

It's really good stuff.

You guys are like method.

Hey, hey, kids, remember, if you see a lady in her sleep, vomiting and choking on her vomit, just leave it.

Don't get involved.

That's the motto.

We sell edible cans of that vomit.

You could read that to see.

It's the vomit.

She's dead now.

Jesse doesn't know.

Don't tell him.

Don't can't tell him.

It's like a ride.

They have a breaking bad amusement park, and one of the rides is you just let a lady die.

It's very bleak.

Not a lot of fun.

You're not a vomit from a can.

The can that says, don't tell Jesse on it.

Don't tell Jesse brand lady vomit.

Warm can of don't tell Jesse.

You throw me a hot can of GT Jesse.

It wouldn't fizz, but it would just go like,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very bad.

So you nearly chose the chicken.

I nearly chose the chicken that doesn't even exist.

Fictional food is

some stuff you kind of like think, I would like to know what that is.

That's like the number one fictional food for for me.

I'm sure there are others.

I used to think,

I think this is well-trod territory, but in the Lion of the Witch and the Wardrobe books, they're all into Turkish delight, which I thought was fictional, but is real and not good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I wish it were fictional.

Yeah, absolutely.

Big disappointment.

Big disappointment.

I think we've spoke about it on an episode before.

That's how much everyone feels the same about this.

Yeah, because Turkish delight sounds so amazing when, and because Edmund's all wrapped up warm in this, in the witch's sleigh, and then has some Turkish delight.

Oh, looks amazing.

That's what that is?

Yeah, it's just like, oof.

I think I must have imagined it as like, you know, this sweet that kind of makes you feel the way that hot chocolate makes you feel.

Yeah.

So like that has that kind of effect on you.

Like pop a Willy Wonka stuff.

It's like if popcorn were called the Pharaoh's Gift.

There's a better name for this.

I think we should call this Don Tail Jessica.

That's how I feel.

I actually think

real soup dumplings were ruined for me because I saw Spirited Away before I had soup dumplings.

And the soup dumplings in that film are like bags.

They're like huge bags of soup and they're like slurping them in.

And then you actually have a soup dumpling and there's like a teaspoon of soup in there or something.

Yeah.

They're still good, but they're ruined by the movie for sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or at least, yeah.

The food in that movie is crazy.

That's my dream fictional food.

Yeah.

That's how someone described.

I might have said this on the podcast before, but I was going for a meal with some friends and it was the Chinese restaurant near their house.

And they said it's really good.

And I was like, Well, like, what kind of stuff?

And they said, Here's how good it is: the food tastes like the food in spirit in a way it looks.

And I was like, Okay, that's an incredible restaurant.

We hadn't had that chat before.

They didn't know that I think that that food looks amazing.

But I think, again, that's just taken as a given that everyone sees that film and goes, I wish the food was like that.

Also, we're ignoring the fact that they eat that food and they turn into pigs.

They're too busy looking at the food, going, I would happily turn into a pig for that food.

I would turn into a pig with my face

and then walk around and turn up to meetings.

Yeah,

I'll still turn up to meetings.

I'll keep my appointments.

Right, I would still, just because you're a pig doesn't give you an excuse to blow off obligations.

Also, you know, you turn up to the meeting, and the guy you're having the meeting with is also a pig, and he'd be like, You have those soup dumplings?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's my accountant, he's a lobster with my face, also

met him in a restaurant.

Um, so that's the fries with the lobster.

Just a pairing, a natural pairing.

I feel like in the States as well, I don't think we have this much in places in the UK.

A real nest of fries.

Very good at doing like a big nest.

A lie that I tell myself frequently is, I won't finish all those french fries.

Yeah, yeah.

And then I finish all those french fries.

If I leave three behind, I'm like a model of restraint.

I'm Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

I just think every French fry I don't eat is one ab that I'm growing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's how it works.

That's the maths.

I mean, I would like him as a guest on the podcast, but I don't think,

I don't know if he would do it.

But, like, I would like to know what he would choose and what he eats.

Because I can only imagine.

He eats a lot of fish.

I know, because it's like lean protein.

Yeah.

A lot of fish.

Oh, well, I have a pizza he might like.

In that case.

Do you think you'd get on with him?

I bet.

He seems very genial.

He seems like one of those famous people that's like nice as kind of a general rule and not like when the cameras are off, he's like, oh, you know, the rock is cooking.

It's get the big keyboard, get the fuck out of here.

Well, it's no, but we've now found out that what the rock is cooking is fish.

Yeah.

So basically, you smell what the rock is cooking.

It's like, yeah, and you shouldn't be cooking it in communal areas because fish stinks and it's really antisocial.

Yeah.

Might the rest of things stink of fish.

This is an office microwave, Dwayne Johnson.

We all smell what you're watching.

Get your haddock out of that office microwave.

And he says,

know your rolls.

He does.

Know your lobster rolls.

Know your lobster rolls.

Yeah.

Maybe it was talking to you.

Dwayne the Rock Lobster, Johnson.

Yeah.

That's what it's short for.

Yeah.

It's short for Rock Lobster.

That's an interesting abbreviation.

Love it if the Rock was short for seven.

Short for Rock Lobster.

Short for Baroque.

Yeah.

Dwayne the Baroque.

It was too too much for me.

Yeah, I didn't know I was going to play with it.

Too fancy.

I've got to stop.

I've got a lot of costume sketches he's dressed as a conductor.

They're not going to get it, Dwayne.

Okay, well, we have to do something about the name.

What?

That fucking Pilchards?

The Pilchards today?

Are you shitting me, Dwayne?

So, we come to your drink now.

Yeah.

Now, since everything so far has complimented each other, I kind of feel like you're going to go in that kind of continue down that route.

I think so.

This is,

this I think goes, it's not the most natural pairing, but I think it works.

Is I love a dirty vodka martini with, I had one of these the other night, and every time it's offered to me, I react as if I've never heard of such a wonderful thing because I feel that way.

It's a dirty vodka martini with blue cheese stuffed olives.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What I have never heard of.

It's so good.

I am fully on board.

Oh, it's so good.

what i love it this sounds crazy you're putting cheese in your drink i see again another vehicle for dairy yeah yes but the dairy is in an attic

the last place i thought it was gonna crop up as well here it is

where did you where did you have that there's a few places i was at a bar in chicago this week occasionally a steakhouse will have it that's the previous time i'd had it too i was out with my i took my my wife and i took my parents out to dinner in boston i think beauty bar on 14th street might have them that's i think where i had them the the first time.

They said, you know, for an extra dollar, you shove some blue cheese in those office.

And I was like, I bargained at twice the price for however much the difference.

Even it was $3.

It's such a nice treat because it complements kind of the salty, savory, olive-y taste, and it doesn't leak out.

They pack it in.

I was going to say.

Yeah, no, you don't want cheese floating in your drink.

I wouldn't mind that either, to be honest.

They'd like it.

You know, I wouldn't throw it out.

I wouldn't choose a floating cheese.

No, no, no.

But if it popped out the olive, I'm not going to complain.

No, I'm not trying to skim it.

Yeah.

Like a dirty swimming pool.

But it is so good.

And it's like so salty and savory and like a real olive-y vodka martini.

I feel like that just sounds like gout in a drink.

Yeah.

You know, it just really, it really feels like such an old school thing to do.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah.

King would drink it.

Yeah, king would drink it definitely.

Or in Mad Men.

Yes.

Before, right before like you, you lost the use of your legs from the waist down.

you just drink it and then they stop working and

just seize up with gout pain.

You're like, I deserve this.

I feel the wealth coursing through my veins.

I've had a dirty oyster martini before.

I heard, that's, that sounds incredible.

Yeah, that sounds incredible as well.

This is, this is my wife's story, but she, I hope she doesn't mind me telling it.

She went to a bar opening that was, the bar was owned by Bill Murray's son, and Bill Murray was bartending.

And she said, what, he said, what do you want?

And she said, what do you recommend?

And he said, I like to pour rosé into an oyster.

And she said, I'll, all right.

And so he did.

And she tried it.

And it was bad.

At this point, I think Bill Murray is just really struggling with new and exciting ways to have an impact on people's lives.

Yeah.

We also separately, about two weeks ago, were in a restaurant.

A friend was visiting from out of town and we were at a, she likes to go to this fancy place in Lapreast Side.

And we went to have dinner with her there.

And we saw Bill Murray across the restaurant just acting normal.

And we were like, that's the story.

We got the real goods.

But if he'd spotted you looking at him, he was like, oh, God, I'm going to have to do something crazy right now.

Oh, I've already done rose in an oyster shell.

He puts a sock in his hand, starts eating his food with a sock pulling up.

Bill Murray, your life is a prison of your own creation.

I'm going to have to do Guinness in a clamshell.

Run out of stuff.

Did you waterboard a lobster head with tequila?

Was that anything?

I'm out of ideas.

I'm going to have to check Reddit tomorrow to see if anyone saw me do this.

Just crying as he's doing it.

Do you all notice me now?

Please tell everyone you saw me.

I'm crazy.

I was in Original Ghostbuster.

My name's Bill.

Oh, that's the saddest thing he showed me.

Little risk.

My name's Bill.

Not being recognized.

Imagine Bill Murray doing that not being recognized.

He just like takes a roll off your plate and takes a bite out of it and waves at you.

You're like, hey, what the fuck was that?

My name's Bill.

I don't care if your name is mom.

Get out of here.

Bend down at the waist.

Oh, Bill Murray.

Before we move on from the drink,

how many olives are in there and when are you eating them?

Three.

Yeah.

And I paste them throughout in the walnut style.

Yeah, try to even it out.

So I'll drink, I don't start with an olive.

I, you know, I drink about a third and eat, and then either I'll eat the last one right before I finish or right after I finish the drink.

Are you able, when you have ordered this drink,

to drink it in peace without people going, well, there are fucking blue cheese in that?

And questioning you about it.

I've never been accosted about it before.

Yeah.

But I think if someone did, I would be like, yeah, you got to get on this train.

Yeah, true.

Yeah, this is, I would be delighted.

That's immediately gone to the top of the list of things I have to find.

I can see it in his eyes.

I think Beauty Bar has it, which is like

not, it's not hard.

You know, it's not like a place you have to make reservations or anything.

You just kind of go in, and they do manicures and stuff.

That's, it's like a cute place, yeah.

Amazing.

We should go get a manicure and a martinez.

I mean, I don't want either of those things, but I'm going to do them.

I'm happy to do it when I realize.

Yeah.

I'll do that.

I'll drink that and have my nails done.

Classic New York City.

Yeah.

That's what New York City is is all about.

Getting your nails done and drinking a martini with cheese.

Just a weird impression.

Oh, yeah.

I did all the standard touristy things.

I had my cheese martini and got my nails done at the same time.

Sat on the couch with Josh's dog.

Just Josh got on the mature room of New York City.

People walking past the nail bar going, I remember that used to be a crash.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Your dessert now.

So very exciting for me, but also I'm a bit scared because I get very sometimes people

order things that aren't sweet for dessert.

I'm very passionate about dessert.

Really?

But you've had quite a lot of,

you've snuck cheese already where I've been.

It's very savory.

I'm not even a cheesecake.

There's no cheese in my dessert.

I'm not one of those people that's like, we'll get a cheese plate with some apple slices, and that's dessert.

That drives James crazy.

I go crazy.

I fully understand that.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

Are you a cheese dessert person?

I like it, but also you're going to be able to associate with this because your wife's type 1 diabetic.

Sometimes, if you want something, you're still hungry.

It's just easier Sometimes, you know, that's true.

Admin-wise, to get a bit of cheese, you don't have to do any insulin for it, really.

Absolutely, yeah, but right, high fat, low sugar.

Yeah, I also enjoy dessert as well.

But sometimes I order cheese just to annoy James.

Yeah, it works every time.

Very effective.

Yeah, I know he's doing it to annoy me, and I shouldn't give him the satisfaction.

Straight away, I go through the roof, Josh.

I go through the roof.

So I'm torn.

My one thing is my family.

We have a great family recipe for apple pie, which is great, warm with vanilla ice cream.

And I have a real nostalgia for it.

When I was a child, I didn't like the soft apples.

And so my uncle, who had celiac, couldn't eat the crust.

So he would eat the apples and I would eat the crust, which is a very warm childhood memory.

And so that's one thing.

The other one, and I don't...

generally like other apple pies.

It's just the family recipe is my favorite.

But the other one is if my wife is here, if I'm eating solo, that's what I'll

indulge your, I'll ask your genie powers to indulge me this family recipe for apple pie.

If my wife is with me, we didn't talk about the rest of her meal, but I know the ideal would be for dessert.

One of the two ideas, this is what we would get, is one of those molten chocolate lava cakes.

That's like a cake with the warm chocolate on the inside.

And like two times a year, she will have that.

Like on our anniversary and her birthday, she'll take extra insulin and have that.

And

the look on her face when she eats like their twice-yearly molten chocolate lava cake is one of my favorite times of the whole year.

So that is, that's where, that's where I'll go with dessert.

That's a very sweet.

Thank you.

That's so nice.

Pick your dessert.

Very nice.

For the look on your wife's face.

It's my favorite.

I think about it often, and I make sure that when we order it, I go, I gotta watch her.

I try not to be a creep.

That's just like,

yeah, decay.

But I do,

I do, kind of out of the corner, I'll be eating, but like, like really looking at what she's doing.

So nice.

Yeah, figuring to yourself, this cake tastes disgusted.

But look at how happy she is.

She doesn't know.

She only eats cake twice a year.

Yeah, she has no idea.

This cake is dog shit.

I can't believe I've let her eat that cake.

All I wanted was my apple pie crust.

That was my dream.

Just wanted an empty pie crust.

She never looks at my face when I ate my empty pie crust.

She can't even make eye contact.

She's so ashamed of me.

This isn't the Great Depression.

You can eat the whole size.

You have to save the apples in a bag for later to feed to a starving horse.

Thank God I found that sacred room in my house so I can eat the pie crust in paste.

And then, who knows?

She made a whole film about it.

That's very nice.

I mean,

that's very nice that you get to see your wife enjoying the chocolate molten love cake.

Also, this morning on our way here, we were talking about how we think that's probably been the most chosen dessert on the birthday.

The multi jacket,

everyone else hasn't said the same reason.

Yeah.

I like to watch my wife eat up these motherfuckers.

Nobody watches my wife eating a cake.

Everyone has been like, so first of all, chocolate molten love cake.

And I know these guys aren't saying, but bring Godman's wife in.

Get his wife in.

He's so nice, he won't mind.

Yeah, if it's her birthday.

All these meals take place on my wife's breast.

birthday.

Everyone just always

in the dream restaurant.

It's September 5th.

The insulin is flowing.

I like it.

The insulin comes down a sort of frozen vodka louge.

Oh, that'd have been great.

I'd like that.

Is there a place in New York that does the best molten lava cake?

You know,

I don't remember offhand.

I should look it up and let you guys know if you wanted to have it.

This is going to become an obsession now because I don't know what order these episodes are going to go out in.

Who knows?

I hope that the listeners appreciate that.

Yeah, we don't know, but all we can talk about is what's happened in our lives so far.

And this is the second episode we've done in New York.

First one was with Catherine Cohen.

Oh, wonderful.

She also chose chocolate molten love cake as dessert.

Fascinating.

We asked her where the best one is in New York.

She didn't know.

Wow.

So this is now

two for two.

I'm becoming quite obsessed with finding the best chocolate martin love cake in in New York.

I really want to know what it is now.

I have another quick question before we read the order back.

Where would you recommend one place to go and eat in New York that we could go?

And we'll follow up on it.

Ooh, let me think.

Are there things that you've been like, oh, I really need to get this one in town?

Not I kind of want to try some new places, really.

As I say, this is a stay-in-alive meal.

You get to continue to be in the live after it.

But imagine people are like, this is it?

Right, right, right, right.

You can go, it's your last meal, but you have to go to a particular place.

Mission Chinese is a great choice so far.

I would say there's a really, I don't know if it's the best place, but I've always been really happy with the.

They have Pho and Bon Mi at this place called Saigon Shack on McDougal Street.

Great.

And that's a fun spot.

That's cool.

We haven't got anything like that planned.

Yep, let's do it.

So thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Now, Vido, you give you back your order.

Tell me how you feel about it.

See See how you feel.

Water.

Tap water.

Absolutely.

Loads of ice.

Thank you.

Problems of bread.

You chose a whole grain roll with honey salted butter.

Starter, escrow salad from Ruccola.

Main, lobster roll.

Loads of butter.

Side.

Thin French fries with ketchup.

Your drink, a dirty vodka martini with blue cheese stuffed olives times three.

Dessert.

Chocolate malt and love cake on your wife's birthday with a good view of her face.

I hate when she obscures her.

That's no fun for me if you don't look at me.

Behind kind of a fan or something.

When you call and book, you have to say, I'd like the table with the best view of my face.

My wife's face.

Also, I think because

whatever.

She eats across the room also.

Yeah.

You got binoculars.

Yeah, her birthday is the only time she turns her chair around.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, get a good look, you happiness perm.

Oh, I bet you wish you were in the secret room right now

as I answered to what you were saying.

No, well, well, I think because you've chosen such a nice reason for your dessert, I think it would be nice at the restaurant if we throw in the pie crust and even the freaking bad chicken.

Yes.

Thank you.

There we go.

You can have that.

This is a dream.

Yeah, that's a lesson for everybody.

Maybe if we all thought about others a bit more, we'd get what we want.

We'd get a pie crust.

Yeah, we'd all get some pie crust and some fictional chicken.

Thanks so much for coming to the restaurant.

Thank you for having me.

This was so much fun.

There we are, then, the off-menu menu of Josh Gondelman.

Yummy Yamma.

Yummy Yamma indeed.

What a lovely guy.

What a funny man, and what a great episode.

Oh, it had it all.

Well, what it didn't have was chicken feet.

Thank you, Josh.

Otherwise, we'd have had to send him out on his little chicken feet.

That would have broken my heart.

Oh, I would have felt really bad if he was like, oh, I just want to have a chocolate pudding and see my wife's face.

Also, it's had a chicken feet.

Get the fuck out of our restaurant, Josh.

I would have felt really bad.

What's your wife's face going to do when she finds out you were kicked out of the dream restaurant?

Scuttle away on your little claws, Josh.

Yeah, I would have felt so awful because I would have had to have said all that stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

As well.

Yeah.

James gets nasty when he kicks people out of the restaurant.

Yeah, but not Josh Gondelman.

We kept him in.

I'm so happy.

He's a great guy.

He is a great guy.

If you like the sound of Josh, and who wouldn't?

Go and check him out on Twitter.

He's at Josh Gondelman.

He also runs the very funny Seinfeld Today Twitter account, which is at Seinfeld Today.

Yes, one of the few things I miss about Twitter.

And if you go onto YouTube, there's lots of clips that he's done on sort of late-night talk shows.

It's very funny.

He also has a stand-up comedy album called Dancing on a Weeknight, which is very, very funny indeed.

And he writes and produces on a show called Deesus and Miro and used to work on Last Week Tonight.

His CV is huge.

Oh, that is impressive.

And now he's been on the Off Menu podcast.

Add that to the CV, Josh.

Exactly.

We should try and convince him to come and do a run in London.

I think he'd go down very well.

Yes, people would love him.

They would indeed.

Well, keep bothering and bothering him on Twitter to come to London if that's where you're listening.

But otherwise, thank you very much for listening i love you so much goodbye goodbye

Hello, I'm Lou Sanders and if you've enjoyed this podcast, you might like my podcast, Cuddle Club.

It's about cuddling, yes.

But really, it's just a way into relationships and asking cheeky questions like who was your mum's favourite and when were you lost unfaithful.

Previous guests include Alan Davies, Ashley B, Catherine Myan, Rich Dosman, Ed Gamble, Nish Kumar and other legends.

Get it on ACARS, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.

And remember to CC everybody in.

CC stands for cutter club.

You check your feed.

and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

Sups!

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off-Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes.

But it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what...

Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Or Benito has bent to their whims.

And he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok.

At Off Menu Podcast.

On YouTube, you can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it.

And you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can can see every single nuance on our little faces.