Ep 104: Martin Freeman

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the off-menu podcast, opening the yoghurt of chat and licking the lid of humor.

I'm Ed Gamble, and over there is James Acaster.

Right, here's the thing, Ed.

You normally take a while to think of those ones.

And just then, Benito said, right, let's go.

And you said that straight away.

Yep.

Was that off the top of your head?

Or had you come into this recording session prepared?

I thought about it just before we started recording.

That was amazing.

I was like, great.

Because obviously there's the old structure of there's some humor involved.

There's some chat involved.

It's a sort of metaphor.

But realised we've not done yogurts yet.

And I love a yogurt.

Well done, man.

We've already got some merch out, but we should get some new merch and put that.

Make a t-shirt that says licking the lid of humor.

Yeah, we should.

And then like a cartoon cartoon of the Great Bonito licking a yogurt lid.

Yeah, absolutely.

That will be the main thing.

Him looking at it and giving a little thumbs up because he loves it so much.

This is a food podcast, James.

It's a food podcast, and we ask a guest their favourite ever start and main course dessert and side dish and drink.

And this week's special guest is

Martin Freeman.

Martin Freeman of I mean, it's Martin Freeman.

What else is there to say?

He's got such a huge and brilliant and varied CV, James.

Some of our favourite things.

Yeah, crazy man.

The office, Fargo, Sherlock, The Hobbit, Black Panther.

Startup never got the shout-outs it deserved.

Yeah, this is exciting.

We're going to ask him about food, but also, I plan to ask him about everything he's ever done.

Are you going to nerd out as well?

I'm going to nerd out.

I don't care about it.

Even though, if he says a secret ingredient, I'll have to put the nerd in on hold and kick him out of the dream restaurant.

And I'm not happy about that.

I really hope he doesn't.

Because the secret ingredient this week is Bombay Mix.

Bombay mix.

I hate it.

Never liked it.

I've never liked it.

I remember the first time I had Bombay Mix when I was a little boy and we were going to pick up a takeaway curry from a restaurant.

And there was a big glass bowl of Bombay Mix.

And I think my mum said, that's a snack.

You can have a bit of that.

And I put some in my mouth and I was like, this is unacceptable.

What is this?

My eight-year-old nephew has massively got into Bombay Mix during loftier.

Of course he has, because he's a member of the Acaster family.

So he's an absolute weirdo.

He was telling me over Zoom how how much he loves Bombay Mix the other day, really.

And he didn't know why I was finding it so funny, obviously, because he's just telling me something that he likes.

I love Bombay Mix.

I could eat a whole bag.

He was saying stuff like that.

And I was really laughing.

Also, Ed, I mean,

in real time, again, I've just got another message on my phone.

This is from my sister saying, Mr.

Gamble is a ridiculous boy.

Of course, he could blow those seeds off of his plate because I think she's listening to the Jess Fostercube episode where you claim that you wouldn't be able to blow hemp seeds off of your plate.

Someone's also just sent me a video of them blowing some seeds.

So I'd imagine that's.

You might get a lot of kickback.

That's the thing.

Sometimes we record the episode so far in advance that I've forgotten what we've talked about.

And then suddenly we'll get a volley of messages saying, like, you can blow seeds off a plate.

Why did I claim I can blow seeds off a plate?

I was going to go mad.

You're very adamant at the time, I remember.

I was neighbour loads of seeds, and you were adamant you wouldn't be able to blow them off a plate.

Anyway, enough seed chat.

Yes.

If Martin Freeman says Bombay Mix, we're kicking him out of the restaurant.

And you know, when I was growing up watching the office at university, I think I always knew that I'd say that phrase.

Yes.

Always destined to say that.

Martin is in the second series of Breeders, a brilliant comedy show.

And season two of Breeders will land as a box set on Sky and be available to watch on Sky One and now TV from the 27th of May.

So go get that.

Watch it.

Lovely stuff.

But in the meantime, let's hear his menu and pray he doesn't say Bombay Mix.

Here is the dream.

Oh, God, I don't have a dream.

Why are you trying to do it, Type?

It's my bit that I do, and you do it, and you always mess it up.

This is the off-menu.

This is the off-menu menu of

Martin Sin Freeman.

Martin Freeman, welcome to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you very much.

Lovely to be here.

Martin Freeman, welcome to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

I'm not that late, am I?

No, not at all.

You're actually our promptest guest on one of these.

We arranged to start at 11 a.m.

and we start at 11:01.

Oh, good.

Well, I suppose you have a lot of comedians on, so that's probably why.

I'm an actor.

We value timekeeping.

Yeah, exactly.

It's that instantly shots fired.

Actors are better than comedians.

You pick that, haven't they?

At some things and not at others.

But yeah,

some, yeah, I would say some things.

Personal hygiene, discipline,

timekeeping.

Without question, acting.

With some exceptions.

With some exceptions.

There are some very good actors who are comedians.

But I mean, generally, like, you know, in the way that I just wouldn't assume I can be really good at football just because I've watched it.

I think sometimes people think acting is easy.

In the same way that I wouldn't, for a moment, think that getting up on a stage with a microphone is easy, not for one single second.

And over the years, I've, well, in the early years, people thought I was a comedian.

And then people say, well, do you want to do standard?

Like, no, because that's not a skill that I want to acquire.

Uh, because it's, I know it's hard, I like, I know it's really hard.

It's it's about a lot more than just being occasionally funny with your mates, and acting is, um, if you do it right, it's it looks deceptively easy, and it ain't, yeah, because of being a comic, sometimes we get auditions, right?

And you know, I've watched loads of TV, yeah, yeah, and I've seen people act, you've seen people act, yeah, and I've watched it and gone,

and you watch it, don't you?

And you go, that was some good acting.

Yeah, I see what they did there, so I think I pretty much understand it now.

And then I get an audition and I sit down in it and I feel like,

I'd say, an idiot when I try and do the acting.

It's really, really difficult.

And I feel really self-conscious.

And I find it hard to completely just not be aware that I'm sitting in a room in front of some people pretending to be somebody else.

Yeah, I think that's very true.

Yeah, it's really true.

I think getting rid of the self-consciousness is...

One of the most massive parts of it, I think.

And also, you know, if your job is a stand-up and, you know, I think there are various levels of show-offs, aren't there?

You know, and I'm definitely on the spectrum of show-off, otherwise I wouldn't be in a job that was like, shut up everyone and listen to me do this.

Stand-up is the apex of it, you know, with all due respect.

And I know and love a lot of stand-ups.

No, you're correct.

You're correct.

But there's no getting around it, is it?

Shut up everyone while I make you laugh.

It's not your job to sort of disappear.

Do you know what I mean?

It's your job to appear very big and broadly, you know, and God bless you for it.

Out of all the actors you've ever worked with, who has the tallest

yeah follow-up question who's the tallest well Steve Merchant who's the tallest Stephen Merchant next question and he and he is the same and he lost himself in the OG monster in the office

quite deeply

who's lost themselves I don't know it's a funny one you know because I think when you're younger or in my case when I was younger and I think it's quite common to feel that completely losing yourself is it's kind of the goal and something to try and attain because it feels grown up and it feels proper.

And then the older I've got, the more I, I don't know, the more I don't really look to that anyway.

To be honest, it's quite a pain in the arse when someone really loses themselves.

I mean, it is a massive pain in the arse because it's not, it's no longer then a craft and a job.

And it's a job and it overlaps with art and it overlaps, you know, and I'm very happy to be.

called an artist by some people or even if some people want to consider me an artist i'll very happily take that but you know within this time and this time of the day you've got to get shit done and if someone's busy losing themselves it depends to what extent it can it's just a pain in the ass and i think it's a highly impractical way of working which is why i think it belongs more to the um student stroke academic side than the practicability side because um most certainly british actors you know and there are there are cultural differences between actors i guess but most british actors i've ever worked with sort of just want to get on with it and get it done do you know what i mean and i don't mean get it done because we don't love it we love it but but there's a real pleasure in getting it done as opposed to, you know, only call me by my character name for five weeks and never talk to me outside of, you know, never have coffee with me, never do anything.

I just,

we didn't become actors because it was the only thing left at the job centre.

Do you know what I mean?

We became actors because it's fucking really enjoyable and it's really fulfilling and it can be fun and it can be funny.

And that's not fun for me, man.

That is a 100% penance.

And that's not to say sometimes you don't take it.

Sometimes you have to go to a place without question.

That's very true.

Have you seen the Jim Carrey documentary about him making man on the moon?

Oh, yeah.

All I could think when I was watching that is just imagine being anyone else working on that film.

Just like, oh, fucking Ellie's coming in again.

You can see their faces as well, Ed.

You know,

you know, when he comes on the makeup bus and there's proper grown-up actors just going, oh, fuck Christ.

You know, like he's not only doing this, he's brought a fucking camera with him, you know, it's like, and music.

For me, and I'm sure, genuinely sure, Jim Kerry is a lovely and smart person but it was the most self-aggrandizing selfish fucking narcissistic bollocks i've ever seen and the idea that anything in our culture would celebrate that or support it is um deranged i mean it's literally deranged i think you know i am a very lapsed catholic but the idea is it's like if you believe in transubstantiation right then then you're going somewhere along the line of i lost my i became the character no you didn't you're not supposed to become the fucking character because you're supposed to be open to stuff that happens in real life you know because someone at some point someone's going to say cut and it's no good going what does cut mean because i'm napoleon it's like shut up man

you know you need to keep grounded i think in in reality and that's not to say that you don't lose yourself for the time between action and cut but i think the rest of it is absolute pretentious nonsense and i i think it's highly amateurish it's essentially an amateurish notion because it's not professional you know i mean like it's not for me it's not a professional attitude you know get the job done, man.

Fucking do your work, you know.

He should have got fired.

He should totally have got fired.

Can you imagine if he had been anybody else under the line?

I mean, he would have been sectioned, never, let alone fired.

He would have been got rid of, you know.

If it was one of the cameramen sort of getting into the character of a really famous cameraman.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm my hero always filmed with his trousers and pants off, so can you just leave me to my process, please?

Yeah, so now I think it is that, yes, but it's partly that it's the ridiculous leeway that is given to some people.

And of course, you know, I'm one of them.

You know, like we all get cushy gigs and we all,

you know, to a certain degree or another, we're all very fortunate in that we get a little pass in some situations where other people wouldn't.

I understand that.

But

Christ, I mean, there's such a thing as pushing it.

I just think when you are challenging, and that's what that Jim Carrey thing looks like to me.

At the very, very end.

He does, he, I can't remember what he does.

He does or says something that is sort of pertaining to his Christ-like

self-grandeur.

And he does or says something that makes me think at the very last second,

is all this a wind-up?

Is this a joke?

Because he is clearly a very funny person.

He knows absolutely where funny is all the time.

But you sort of think, oh, God, is he lost himself in this delusion of thinking he's a guru or a fakir?

Because a fair few people do.

You know, a fair few people do once you get to the top of the mountain.

And, you know, what are you going to do then?

You know, because what else gives your life meaning?

Because essentially, you could argue what we do is, it's, yes, it's not curing diseases or whatever, but I still think it has a nobility to it and it's reasonably important.

But if it's not, then you've got to go with it.

You know, Jim, you should have paid more attention at school if you wanted to do something more important.

You know, I hope he was joking.

Oh, yeah, we all, we all hope he was joking.

Although, just keeping everything that we've said in mind,

welcome to the podcast where one of us pretends to be a genie for the whole thing.

Yeah, so James does lose himself in the genie role.

Yeah, I know.

So, Yeah, that's your saving grace, I think.

As long as you don't go too far in to the genie role, then I will still have respect for you.

If you really start thinking you're a genie for this hour, I'm going to think, nah, I didn't like that.

So you just see him slowly pushing a sort of pot of blue paint out of the way, going, no, no, don't worry, I'll be absolutely fine.

You're our second star of breeders on the podcast.

We've interviewed Michael McKean early last year.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, he's lovely, isn't he?

He's a lovely man, and he very much enjoyed the experience of working on Breeders, I believe.

Well, good.

How did you find the experience of working with Michael McKean, bearing in mind he's not going to be on the podcast again, so slag him off all you like?

Well, obviously, as I'm sure you both were, I was delighted.

Everyone was delighted and very excited.

Everything I've seen him do ever has been brilliant.

But obviously, I go back to being...

The first time I saw Spinal Tap, I was 15 and I was watching it with some of my siblings in Brighton in one of their flats.

And I sort of couldn't believe it.

I couldn't believe it.

I couldn't believe how much I loved it.

And I couldn't believe how much it was making me laugh.

You know, it's one of the sort of five or six things in my youth that made me laugh so much I thought I was going to die.

You know, so I will always have a massive affection for Michael McKean for that, for that alone.

And everything I've seen him do since he's, he's an extremely good actor.

He's not somebody who's winking at the audience or just,

I don't think he can hear the applause in his own head as he's giving you this devastating zinger or whatever.

He is always,

he's in the scene.

He's in that character and that, and he wants to serve the scene.

I love him for that.

But he also has amazing comedy in chops, and um, we were all really, really excited to have him on, you know.

And he couldn't have been lovelier.

Was he nice on this, or was he a terrible man?

No, he's horrible, he's absolutely awful, awful man.

No, he saved up so much bile for us, yeah.

It was upsetting, Martin.

I bet, yeah, it's it's the the Worsley family, more adventures of uh, of what it is to be a parent and uh, sort of that in-between stage when you're in your 40s of like, you know, if your folks are still alive and you're bringing up kids as well and all the sort of family machinations.

And I think we go a bit deeper into it this year.

I think it's, you know, there were bits last year that were, hopefully it's funny, I hope it's funny, but there were bits that are, you know, decidedly not funny and not trying to be funny.

And there's the same sort of balance of that this year.

I think we want to be unafraid to have some really funny bits and then have some bits that may go, Jesus Christ, but that was upsetting or that was frightening or whatever, you know.

Not frightening in a horror way.

We haven't gone down that genre.

We're not doing a sort of saw.

That would be a real left turn, wouldn't it?

If you just suddenly threw in a sore-themed episode.

We're saving that for if we do get a third one, that's what we're saying.

But yes, it's more of, you know, if you liked the first breeders, there's more of that sort of thing.

I think, I think this time better.

And if you didn't like the first breeders, you don't have to watch it.

It's fine.

What a plug.

If they didn't like it, this one's even better.

That's what I meant to say.

Yeah.

Come back and give it another shot.

that's what the exact but if you don't like something do you want to see a better version of it because if you don't like it then if you're just improving all the elements of something that someone doesn't like you don't want to see it do you no i don't think you do i don't think so i think if i watched something and i didn't like it i'd resent it if i thought they'd got better it's a real thing isn't it where they're like okay right you are gonna hate the first three seasons of this but when you get to season four it's gonna blow your mind yes that's true here's a question Yes.

When it comes to that kind of stuff, you were in the first season of Fargo.

Yes.

It was brilliant.

Thank you.

Your voice was amazing in that by the way thank you thanks that was insane like i'll get on to my actual question but like i'm obsessed with that show and i love it and one of the main things that you think every time there's a new actor in it is let's see how they pull off this voice let's see how they do it i honestly i think yours is still the best one in it yeah we're three seasons in and here's what here's what happened every five seconds watching you in that i went yeah that's a really good voice out loud i'd say it's whoever i was watching it with yeah i couldn't i believe how good it was.

Did you say it that high?

Yeah, it got higher each time I said it because I couldn't believe it.

You kept not believing it.

Is that then technically a bad performance from Martin because he kept pulling you out of the performance by being too good?

Maybe so.

I'm a victim of my own genius.

Pay you a compliment, but ended up slagging you off.

I'll take that compliment.

Thank you.

A friend of mine saw it, saw, and he's in music, and he saw it.

And he, you know, we're very fond of each other, and he's a big supporter of mine and all that.

but he saw it and thought oh dear martin's american accent is pretty terrible like he did and it was only when it had it explained to him that it was a specific yes so sort of regional accent i think he thought i was doing a sort of you know i don't know what he thought i was doing but um i can see what he means if he thought i should just sound like an american newsreader or whatever or an anchor man but um yeah that's a pretty funk because it is quite a funky accent there's bits of yeah scandinavian bits of irish bits of all sorts in there but then there's like everyone else is doing it as well so did he think your accent was so bad that the director had pulled them all to one side and got just copy marketing?

Yeah.

Don't make the Englishman feel left out.

I don't know what he thought.

You know, he's quite easily distracted, is this man.

But yeah, he had it explained to him.

And now, of course, he knows I'm amazing.

You know, like James does.

Yeah.

Like I do.

I assume his voice gets higher by the day.

He goes up and octives.

It does.

Well, sometimes it gets lower.

The more impressed he is.

Like he gets, he sounds so that by the end of episode six, he was like Barry White.

Yeah.

Here's my question, though, about that.

We're talking about seasons and stuff like that.

And sometimes seasons getting better.

With Fargo, they're contained stories each season, different casts each time.

As someone who was in the first one, do you watch each season and go, I really hope it's not as good as my one.

I hope they mess it up this time.

No, I don't genuinely because I like the people in it.

But, I mean, of course, it's nice to think that whatever you do yourself, whatever we're doing, has a special place in people's hearts.

But genuinely, no, because Noah Hawley, who's the sort of

writer extraordinaire behind it and a showrunner, no, he's a good guy and he's a smart guy.

So I want success for the show.

That's my story.

And I'm sticking to it.

Do you watch it and listen to the accent?

Yes, James, I do.

Yes.

Yes.

I do and go,

no, that is at least 100 miles too south.

Yeah, good stuff.

We should talk about food, really, shouldn't we?

I'll be honest, Martin, I don't want to excite anyone, but this is the closest to an actual interview we've ever done.

Yes.

Normally, by this point we are screaming at people about their water choices but we've asked you some genuine questions there and I think I think we've actually done really well do you think it's because we've never met maybe because we've never met so we're sort of being formal yes because we're sort of strangers to each other it personally so we so it's probably we're probably being formal and polite well i i don't know we we've there's a lot of people that we've interviewed on this podcast we've met for the first time and we have not been polite to them and

and we have just asked them about food and given them shit for what what they say they want to eat.

I mean, it just, I mean, I guess you're just bitning, you're bidding some good stuff, man.

And we're asking this, you know, we can't help but ask about it.

Thank you.

I'll take the respect.

I mean, maybe it's better if you start insulting me, because then I'll feel like, oh, they really like me, these guys.

All right.

These boys really take to me because they're cussing me out.

Gloves off.

I thought you said clothes off.

It's not like.

Let's do this off menu style.

Popsicles, sprinklers, a cool breeze.

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Stock up now at Whole Foods Market, in-store and online.

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Hey, I'm Paige DeSorbo, and I'm always thinking about underwear.

I'm Hannah Berner, and I'm also thinking about underwear, but I prefer full coverage.

I like to call them my granny panties.

Actually, I never think about underwear.

That's the magic of Tommy John.

Same.

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And the bras, soft, supportive, and actually breathable.

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Still or sparkling water.

If it's a choice of those, then I'm going to go sparkling.

Normally, I'm a tap person because I sort of do resent paying for still water.

I think it's silly.

You know, the way people did in 1989, most of you two could remember that.

paying for water, all of them are rubbish.

And I sort of feel that a bit now, except if I'm going sparkling, I'm prepared to pay for that because the bubbles give you oxygen and wake you up.

But there is something in that.

You have a fizzy drink with no sugar.

I think that's quite good.

So are the bubbles that you think are giving you oxygen, as in like they're giving you extra oxygen, you're more than you get when you breathe.

Fair play.

I've not completely thought this through.

I've not studied it, but I'm pretty sure it gives you extra oxygen.

Yeah, if I'm.

Extra, doesn't it?

So do you think if you took a big mouthful of sparkling water and left it in your mouth, could you then go underwater for five minutes?

I don't know.

Ask David Blaine.

I don't know this.

Which is very concerning, Martin.

You said you were homeschooling your children.

What have you been teaching?

I just think, is there not some truth, you university twats,

in the idea that it's oxygenated, right?

gives you a little pep.

Is it oxygenated?

I thought it was carbon dioxide.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, you could be right.

Carbonated.

So what does that do?

It gives you less oxygen.

Opposite, poisons you.

Yeah,

poison you.

Less oxygen.

I see.

Right, well, that's definitely still for me.

No, sparkling.

Fuck it.

I'm going to live on the edge.

I'm going to say sparkling because it is like a little treat.

What we can do for you, Martin, because this is the dream restaurant, we can get you sparkling water and then we can get you an oxygen tank as well to take little gulps out of every time you have a sip.

Would you like that?

I would now.

Now I've heard of it.

Like meatloaf when he does a gig.

You can have an oxygen tank just off to one side.

Is that what he really does?

Yeah.

He's a big lad, isn't he?

And he really goes for it still.

Smaller than he used to be.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I think when he was at proper big meatloaf size, he had a little towel for the sweat and an oxygen tank off at the side of the stage.

No sparkling water.

No, I bet none.

I bet none was knocking about in 1979 for the loaf.

No.

No, yeah.

All right, sparkling and an oxygen tank.

Thanks.

When you were filming the office, did Big Keith have to go off and have an oxygen tank?

No, he didn't.

He didn't.

No.

What a question.

Just a question.

No, we would hang out in our little grief hole that was sort of acting as a green room that was adjacent to the set.

And because it wasn't obvious, you know, it's not a real set, it was just a group of offices.

We had to be really, really quiet and talk, you know, very, very hushedly.

Or Asher Tanner or Steve Merchant would come in and say, can you keep it down?

And that's, you know.

So you never really got any time off on the office.

It wasn't like you've got a scene off, go to the green room.

And then you just had to go off and sort of whisper you know and that included uh big keith you and mcintosh hello you he thinks there's oxygen in a scotch egg yes how many times you have to have to film that that's a that's a famous uh blooper isn't it the amount of times uh you're laughing in that yeah that was a lot i don't i i don't know i it wasn't a crazy amount that was probably like eight whereas there was some that there's and it's on it's on youtube because it was on the um it was on the DVD extras there's a scene between uh Gervais and myself that was just that ridiculous.

It was absolutely, again, well, if he hadn't been the star of the show, we definitely would have got fired.

It was like 75 takes or something.

It was absolutely stupid because he just couldn't leave it alone.

You know, he sees different ways to make you laugh and ruin the scene and keep you there for longer.

He'll do it.

So, yeah, that was the worst one ever.

But the office was full of occasions where you would just be trying to, yeah, try not to laugh.

So every scene that's in the office, every scene that made it to TV was was just the triumph of people managing not to coax that was what that was it wasn't even especially good acting it was just like right did we get it good let's go yeah just one good one and that'll do one good one 58 ruined ones

poppadums or bread popadums or bread martin freeman popadoms or bread well what sort of oh this is any sort of restaurant isn't it it's a whatever it's a whatever restaurant it's not themed it's whatever restaurant you can dream up yeah bread i mean i like poppadums but i suppose that would set my brain thinking in a certain way and i don't think i'm going to order order that way today.

So bread, there's loads of ways to do bread.

And now, of course, you're going to tell me there's loads of ways to do poppadums, Martin.

Ignorant.

But as far as I'm aware, there's a load of ways to do bread and I like bread and butter.

I went during the last time that we could actually go out, I took my family out to a restaurant in London and just had, you know, sometimes when bread and butter is...

It's like the best thing.

You don't need anything else.

You don't need the rest of the meal.

And you just think, I'll just have another piece.

it was that good with with a nice butter lovely bit of bread and think you know why are we bothering doing anything else so did you leave after the bread and butter we did yeah we did yeah and they were disappointed i'd love that i'd love that story of somebody working in a restaurant going you know martin freeman right came in with his family sat down he had the bread and butter and then they all fucked up so did our face so did enough no we didn't know i foolishly kept going and i kept saying to my kids can you stop that because it's just going to ruin your it's going to ruin your meal so can can we not have any more?

Can I have some more bread, please?

Thank you.

So we just be like, I was breaking my own rules as I was making them.

And of course, yeah, by end of the main course, stuffed.

But I'm still going to go with bread and I'm going to ask one of you to, you have permission to say, Freeman, go easy on the bread.

At what point is there a telltale sign in your eyes?

No, after too little, like that size slice of bread and butter, you may say to me, should we take that away?

And I'll go, thank you very much.

I'll thank you for it.

Otherwise, it just, it ruins the meal.

Would you like bread and butter from that specific place you were just talking about?

Yeah, I would, to be honest.

Because I think actually that it was the best, you know, it's a Ponce

West End London restaurant, but it's actually not Ponce, but just a very nice restaurant.

And the quality of butter is just the right amount of saltedness.

Oh, man.

So gorgeous.

Yeah, it's like a meal in itself.

You know, like sometimes when you have like tomato soup and just bread and butter dipped in it and it,

yeah, it doesn't get much better than that.

I love seeing the marbled effect of the butter on top of the tomato soup.

Yeah, agreed.

Agreed, yeah.

The little sort of grease bubbles.

Yeah, yeah.

I prefer James's description of the marbled, the marbled effect in it rather than grease bubbles.

But yes, I like the grease bubbles, they're full of oxygen.

I've got this wrong, haven't I?

I'm going to have to rethink my whole oxygen

theory.

Have you based your whole menu on oxygen basically yeah because i'm assuming i thought this restaurant was in space and so i just assumed that i was going to need as much oxygen as possible do you remember the name of the restaurant where you had the lovely bread martin yes it was the walsley very nice which is next to the ritz and it's a really lovely place nice to go there and the the food's great and it's it's actually i said it's ponty it's not pretentious it's kind of it's a bit zhuzhi of course it's the kind of place where you it it justifies making an effort, you know.

So that's another nice thing.

Just not, you know, know, I like not slobbing about, you know.

I like people making an effort because I think it's good for one's own sense of pride and self-esteem, you know, to not just wodge about in trackies all the time, you know.

I mean, I don't mind trackies, but you know, this, come on, man, step it up.

You know, if we're going to go out for a meal, let's pretend we've got dressed, you know.

If you're going to go out, pop to the woolsey and just hammer down a loaf of bread, you've got to pop some proper trousers on, haven't you?

Yeah.

You may as well dress like a baker.

Yeah.

So I did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's not, it's nice to, yeah, I mean, I like, I like having a bit of an effort, you know.

Do you dress the whole family up in the same sort of outfit?

I know, but I do.

No, well, it was, it was butcher baker candlestick maker.

And my daughter got the candlestick maker, and she wasn't happy because it was covered in wax.

My son was covered in blood, and I was covered in flour.

But I, yeah, I encourage them to sort of do whatever their version of making an effort is, you know.

So if that just means a really crisp, clean tracksuit for my son,

then that's fine.

It doesn't all have to be the same, but make an effort.

You know, I sort of feel that about a lot of things.

I imagine you say it was next to the Ritz, this place.

Is there turf wars between the two?

There is, because the postcode changes in the road down the middle, and it does get, ooh, it does get pretty tasty, yeah.

It does.

Yeah.

It's like, who's the poshist?

Yeah.

I would imagine one of your co-stars, Cumberbatch.

I bet he's a Ritz boy.

And you're a Wolseley lad.

That's what I would imagine.

I don't know.

I imagine Ben Ben would definitely.

I can see Ben at the Wolseley.

I'm not sure if I've ever been to the Rits, except I did an interview in the Rits early on in my career, like tea at the Rits sort of thing.

But I don't think,

I don't think I've ever actually eaten at the Rits.

And I'm nothing against it.

I want to at some point.

I want to have tea at the Rits, but I can see Ben at the Wolseley, yeah.

Because to be honest, I think it's a fairly wide range of people at the Walseley.

There's everyone there from agents to actors.

All bases are covered.

I mean, all the basic social groups, I can see him there.

Yeah.

He'd get jumped.

He'd walk in and they'd go, it's a rich boy, and they'd all chase him out.

Yeah, but he can escape easily, right?

He can wriggle out of any situation.

And Ben can fit in.

He's a chameleon.

He can play both sides.

Yeah.

I can't think of him as Ben.

Well, do you have to think of him as a Benedict?

Yeah.

He's Benedict Cumberbatch.

Or just Mr.

Cumberbatch.

He books the Wolsey as Ben.

It's back to Benedict's as soon as he walks through the doors of the Ritz.

I'd book the Wolsey as Ben Cumberbatch.

I get a better table when I pretend to be him.

I don't know.

If I imagine a Ben, I imagine like, you know, a little

scrappy kid with a catapult or an old man, an old kind man.

Old Ben.

Yes, old Ben.

So you've got Ben Kenobi.

Ben Kenobi is your old wise man.

Yep, Uncle Ben.

Uncle,

Uncle Ben isn't.

Yeah, he's an old wise man.

Yeah.

Who's a scrappy little kid?

Who's a scrappy kid, Ben?

Ben Ten.

Ben Ten.

Oh, I hated Ben Ten.

I hated Ben Ten.

I absolutely loathed loathed Ben 10.

Because

my son is 15 and he was sort of, when he was like two or three, I suppose, he was interested in Ben Ten.

I absolutely

loathed it.

What's Ben 10's vibe again?

Because I obviously missed out on Ben 10.

Is it he's just 10?

No, I don't think he's, I don't think he is 10.

Maybe there's 10 of them or something.

I don't know.

I think it might be 10 of them in his crew or something.

I'm not sure.

Right.

But man, I fucking hated that.

And nothing against, you know, but I just was the wrong age.

I wasn't three.

How much of your thoughts did Ben 10 occupy around that time well let's say if it was over three percent it was too many because you know like yeah any any percentage is too much I once when Benedict's come Ben Benedict was recording the penguins of Madagascar I got hired to go in and read in all the other voices did you and

no one told me when I should start or stop right and there was one where he didn't have a line for 10 pages and I just read all 10 pages while everyone stared at me and it was probably the most awkward 20 minutes of my life.

Did you do different accents and stuff?

Yep did all the different penguins.

There were about 10 different penguins.

I was doing all of them just out there riffing on my own while everyone looked at me.

Awful.

I mean he said well done at the end but it felt like a waste of time.

I mean he gave me an award sure but but and you were supposed to just give him his cue presumably.

I think so but no one was specific yeah because there was a scene I think where he had a line at the beginning and then right at the end and you know when does the cue start and when does the queue begin so I just did the whole scene.

Can I ask why, um, why they asked you to do that?

Were you sort of then or now, were you more in the sort of acting bit or what?

No, I mean, I do, like James says, I do the awkward auditions as well.

Uh, I didn't have to audition for that.

I'd done a couple of things where they just call you up, go down there, read in some lines, I think.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

But I don't think it helps.

I think you probably had to re-record it.

Ed's being modest.

Ed's being modest, Martin.

He's done a bit of voice work.

Right.

Does the term kazoo yeah you can mean anything to you?

It does, and it doesn't.

I don't know if you're in the market for a second-hand car, Martin.

But

I reckon I can sell you on it now.

Kazoo, yeah, you can.

Well, kazoo, yeah, you can.

Kazoo, yeah, you can.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Sorry.

Sorry that I tried to do that.

I would give anything to hear that recording of you doing all the voices of the penguins or the penguins of Madagascar.

Oh, man.

So would I now.

Oh, yeah.

It makes me feel ill thinking about it.

Especially when you get to the part that Ken Jeong's supposed to be playing, and you have to make that decision.

I didn't do it.

I didn't do it.

We come to your starter.

We're still at the beginning of the meal, Martin.

We've had some lovely bread from the Wolseley.

And now we come to your starter.

I'm going to have...

Do they call it, is it a carpaccio if it's just meat?

But basically, I want smoked salmon.

I want smoked salmon and some onions and capers.

And there, there's a bit more bread because there's usually little bits of toast with it.

Yeah, so I like that.

And a bit of squeezed lemon and ground pepper and all that.

Because it's quite lean, right it's not it's not too heavy because i am what i like to call a fat pig you know and so i i love food and i love just eating food a lot right so um i've got to leave space to be a fat pig uh later on so like smoked salmon quite lean with this bread though martin you've entered into a pact with us in the restaurant to stop you eating any more bread yeah that's true but i didn't say toast did i i didn't say toast there's there's a there's a little sort of quarter reece

of toast with no butter on it Yeah, but this sounds like an addict thing now.

You know, you tell your friends, don't let me smoke again, and then they come around and you're chewing tobacco.

Yeah.

I didn't say not cigars.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I didn't say no crack.

Yeah.

No, this is little bits of sort of delicate toast.

I think they're fine.

You can't have them.

Sorry, Martin.

Oh shit, really?

You told us to do it.

You said no matter what I say.

You're my gatekeeper.

You said that no matter how hard I plead, don't let me have any more bread.

Lock me in this cage.

And no matter what I say, if I start turning into a werewolf, don't let me out of here.

Okay, fair enough.

Yeah, hoist by my own petard.

I shouldn't have brought that up.

And you're quite right.

But would you still like the smoked salmon even though there's no bread available for you?

Yes, please, yeah.

Yeah, because you know some food, I'm sure, well, no, I was going to say I'm sure it's a myth.

Well, it's true.

Some food is just not, it's tasty and it's filling, but it's not, you know, you don't feel leaden.

afterwards.

And a nice bit of smoked salmon without loads of other carby bits around it is really nice, sets off your palate nicely, gives you a little tingly feeling of wanting more, but it hasn't completely filled you up.

Do you know what I mean?

I absolutely love it.

Yeah.

I love smoked salmon.

I love eating it straight from the pack by the sheet, sheeting it into my mouth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So here's a question for you about smoked salmon.

When you're buying it in the supermarket, so I find now sometimes like I'm thinking I'm just going to eat this on its own.

I know that I'm going to eat it on its own.

And there's quite a lot of different options in the supermarket.

And some of it is like the sheets and they've got like loads of pepper on them and lemon and some of them are like, I've got honey on them and stuff like that.

What are you looking for when you're in the supermarket?

What's your favorite type of smoked salmon to get off the shelf and take home and eat by the sheet?

Cheap.

Just a bargain.

No, I don't really like, I don't want it buggered about with really.

Do you know what I mean?

I just want it straight.

And I want enough so that, because you know, sometimes you buy packets of smoked salmon and they're not quite big enough.

So that once you've had a little snack it's almost all gone so i quite like big ones and i'll buy a couple of bigger ones to go through a few breakfasts do you know what i mean because i like having it for breakfast i like putting it in scrambled egg and you know all that oh yeah or just maybe on the side during the first lockdown um when like it was difficult to get food delivered and stuff um me and james actually both started using a thing called food chain which like used to deliver to restaurants so it was like for trade oh right yeah so you'd go on there and there'd be all the different things and i was like i'll just order some smoked salmon and then it it arrived.

It was like a meter, a meter of smoked salmon.

I had to saw it in half like a magician and freeze half of it.

It was brilliant.

God,

that's a real touch.

That was best day of lockdown.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

What was it?

It was about 500 quid.

Were you thinking, why is this so much?

Oh, yeah, I'm bankrupt now.

Bankruptcy myself on a meter of smoked salmon.

To be fair, you are possessed by the soul of a thousand penguins, so it's okay for you to eat that.

You can eat that many fish between your whole penguin clan.

I just went along the whole thing, different characters along each sheet.

Get the slice in before you do Ken's voice.

Yeah, so anyway, smoked salmon.

Capers.

Talk about your relationship with capers, please.

I'm kind of getting over them.

Like, I'm learning to tolerate them.

I think at first, I say at first, you know, probably when I was 30,

I was like, what the fuck is it?

No.

And then that's one of those things that I'm trying to incorporate into my taste buds just because

I don't really like leaving bits on the side of a plate.

It just looks a bit fussy.

And so I think, no, Martin, come on, you can get over this.

Open yourselves up.

I've tried with anchovies, can't manage it.

Can't manage it.

Similar thing.

Because I think they're just too salty.

Too salty for me.

I love it.

I've always loved it.

Anchovies.

Capers, anchovies, might mite, just get them in.

Yeah.

Can't get enough salt.

Yeah, no,

I do like salt.

Do you like ready salted crisps?

Not really.

I've always been a bit fancy when it comes to crisps.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

There we go.

It lures you in.

It lures you in, like, oh, I'm a salt, salt, salt.

And then it's like, the most obvious thing, no, I don't like the Beatles.

No.

Christ.

I am a salt, salt, salt, but you get salt, salt, salt on the other flavours as well, don't you?

But you get a little bit extra.

Yeah, I mean, but I just, I think there is something about, like, genuinely something about just plain, ready-salted crisps that are phenomenal.

I really, and they go with everything.

They go with a bagel.

So I have a smoked salmon, cream cheese, tomato, bagel, packet of crisps on the side.

Jesus Christ.

And a Coke.

God almighty.

Amazing.

It's so nice.

Not healthy, but it's very nice.

Who cares if it's healthy or not?

That is a nice way to spend your lunchtime.

It's a really nice snack, yeah.

So

when you're 30, you're putting the capers on the side of the plate.

Yeah.

And then you're starting to get them involved a bit more.

And now it's part of your dream meal.

That's quite a journey for you.

Yeah.

At what point were you like, I'm a caper guy?

I reckon about two years ago.

Wow.

And you went around telling people you were a caper guy.

Yeah,

and I did do that.

You're absolutely right.

I did do that.

About two years ago, I became a caper guy and just would have caper capers and wear caper capers and all that.

And it's changed my life.

I am a new man.

And I wasn't expecting that in my, you know, so it was quite a shock for that to be such a change in my life, you know.

More so than becoming a father.

Absolutely.

You don't know until it happens.

The capers, no, exactly.

You don't know.

There's before capers and after capers.

It's hard to to explain to people who aren't into capers, you know, how it feels to be into capers.

They won't understand.

They don't understand and they can empathise.

It's a new kind of love, isn't it?

It is really, yeah.

It is.

And I didn't think, because I thought I'd been in love.

I assumed I'd been in love.

But

not until I

just had those salty berries down my throat.

I thought, hello, this is a new thing.

It is nice, because they genuinely do, they set off.

I don't know.

I'm not a food scientist, as we've established from my oxygenated water.

But

it does something.

It sets off a nice little chemical reaction on the salmon.

Yes.

What's your thoughts on caper berries, Martin?

The big fat ones?

Oh, no, but aren't the little capers that we're talking about, they're just a smaller version of that, right?

Yeah, I think so.

But the big one, you know, when you get the big ones and you bite in and they've got all bits in them.

Oh, maybe I haven't had a really big one.

Maybe I've not.

I haven't had that.

It's the first time I'm hearing about it, Martin.

How big are they?

Maybe I've imagined them.

Are you thinking of a tomato, Ed?

A green tomato.

Green tomato covered in salt.

That's what I'm thinking.

No, they're like, you know, I'd say three times the size of a normal caper.

Okay.

I think I've only had the little fellas.

Stick with the little fellas.

Not worth your time, the big ones.

Okay.

Thank you.

That's shortcutted that.

Let's move on to the main course now that Ed's told you that.

Salmon and spinach linguine.

Not salmon, not salmon, prawn.

Prawn and

spinach linguine.

Yeah.

I know, it's too much.

That would have have been our first double salmon.

Yeah, these guys made double salmon.

I've gone salmon prawn, a lovely sort of prawn, linguine, and white wine sauce on a lovely bit of linguine, yeah.

It also works with tagliatelli.

It works with all sorts.

Works with penne, for Christ's sake, you know, but um, I'm gonna go for linguine today.

I was gonna say, it's the dream restaurant, so if you would like a mix-up of all your favourite pastas, we can do that for you as well.

No, no, don't patronise me, you goddamn dirty ape.

I'm I'm no, I'm just gonna go for linguine.

Thanks.

When you said the prawns i thought oh mars has a good lot of seafood so far let's i'm gonna ask him about seafood

and then uh here's how my brain went i went i asked about seafood and then i started imagining you eating your meal and singing the song under the sea from the little mermaid but that popped into my head out of nowhere and started making me laugh before i even asked you a question Would you sing Under the Sea while you were eating your meal?

I don't know enough of it.

I know bits of it, but then it becomes when Homer started singing it in an episode of The Simpsons he started singing it so I think the real version and Homer's version get mixed up in my mind so I wouldn't be I wouldn't be able to run you like I wouldn't be able to run you through under the sea would you do you know all the words for under the sea no uh under the sea under the sea down where it's better down there it's wetter take it from me okay yeah I think you'd have to fill in some bits being like martin is better down where it's wetter under the sea yeah just I think you'd have to riff some stuff yeah

but also I don't quite know where I don't know I'm not exactly sure of that melody line.

I mean, like, we can say we can blag it, but I don't know what's actually written down on the piano.

Yeah, so I don't think I could carry that tune properly.

Yeah, well, there's a new one coming out, in there, live actions coming out soon.

And David Diggs is going to sing that song.

Well, no, no, it's me.

I'm singing that song.

You're in it.

So I'm but I better learn it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Sorry.

I'd better learn it very, very quickly.

You're playing Sebastian, the crowd.

No, who is it?

Who's doing it?

Who's doing that?

David Diggs.

Ah.

Is this it?

Did you audition for it, Martin?

And this is the first year hearing of it.

I feel like you and them penguins, Ed.

I feel betrayed.

I feel betrayed.

How big are these prawns?

They're quite big.

Do you want them in the shell, Martin, or do you want them de-shelled and in your pasta?

I'd like them de-shelled, because I think when you've got to do your own shelling, that's a different thing.

Tuck a napkin in there

because it flies everywhere.

It's like cutting a tomato.

It just goes, you know, it's berserk.

So when you do that, you take a prawn's head off,

there's always a bit of risk of ricocheting, you know, of a friendly fire.

So no, I just want it in the sauce with the spinach and the white wine.

Do you want this from anywhere in particular?

Is there somewhere where you've had the best prawn inguine you've ever had and you want that exact dish for your dream meal?

It might actually be somewhere in Sorrento, the name of which I can't remember, but I like to, um, me and my kids like to go to Sorrento.

It is truly a place where I feel very relaxed, and that doesn't happen very often, where I where I can really switch off and I can just sort of be invisible for a large part.

Because you must get a lot of things.

We've already fanboyed out on you quite a bit today, all your

different things you've done.

What is the one that you get the most?

Probably Sherlock, I think.

It was a bit like, I don't know, a bit like, well, the office was a bit like being in a band because it felt quite cool.

And lots of music people liked it.

But Sherlock is like, I don't know, being a big band.

I don't know.

Not Glenn Miller, a big band, but it's just a success, a big, a huge band.

I think when Sherlock was at its height, that felt like the most definite whoa flippin eck this is um something else you know and people really let you know people really really let you know did you realize when you were in sorrento finally relaxed and the waiter came over and put your teeth with linguine down and went dr watson yeah

i thought now i've made it yeah now i've made it now i can't relax here come over here please sir we need to speak to you uh the chef wants to speak to you and then you got taken off to the side in a little room and he went how did he survive jumping off of the building

I do want to ask about Sherlock jumping off the building because I still don't understand what happened

is it the crash map thing is it the thing that basically he does it that they they move a massive crash map around and he jumps on that and someone distracts you because that makes me angry okay a why does it make you angry and that's fine i like anger but b what do you hope it is We all spent a year of our lives thinking about that every single second of every single day and trying to figure out how that had happened and thinking, oh my god, this is so cool.

Why does it happen?

Oh, my Moriarty really checkmated him.

Oh God, how was he behind the tree at the end?

And then he got a billion people,

a whole cast of people to help him.

And he jumped off a building and he jumped onto a crash bat.

And I was like, it's like, you know, whenever any magician reveals their trick, you go, what, that's all you were doing?

Yeah.

And then you get wound up.

So I was like, yeah, I think it was that, wasn't it?

Yeah, and there was another corpse from the hospital that Molly Hooper had, you know.

Yeah, so there was a lot of, you know, it's a willing suspension of disbelief is needed.

But,

yeah, I mean, a lot of organizations.

There was once a Jonathan Creek where someone jumped out of a building and then disappeared.

And it turns out there was a trampoline under the grass.

So

he landed on the grass, but no, they opened up the grass, then he bounced on the trampoline and then they shut the grass again.

Absolutely infuriating.

Make it out as they go along.

Yeah, that is generally the nature of fiction.

Can't you just base some show up on facts?

Yeah, Dickens, he's making it up as he goes along.

Yes, yes, and it's bought me a cottage.

Sometimes do you think it would have been really cool if they came back after that break and it's just that he didn't do a trick, he just did jump off and die.

And that

the rest of it is just you solving crimes on your own.

I did suggest that to Mark and Stephen, they didn't go for it.

No

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Your dream side.

Chips.

Simple.

There is.

Chips.

Because sometimes it's good to do a sort of carb overload.

Pasta and chips as well.

That's another thing I love.

A creamy sort of white sauce pasta and good sort of nicely done.

fat chips jesus or even fries actually but i'm gonna go for a fatter chip today fat chips I just think they're absolutely gorgeous you can you know a mouthful of pasta

a chip heaven now after you've specifically asked us not to let you have any more bread it really feels like you're exploiting a few loopholes here it does this is like an addict you're right it is like an addict I'm just trying to get I'm just trying to get around my own rules but I'm up to

main course now so I'm in the bulk of it I'm in it now whereas I didn't want to ruin it before with the with the bread and the stuff is your drink gonna be a pint of mashed potato

I mean if it could be yeah, I mean

I love mashed potatoes so much I mean I might even have a Coke.

I might even have a bottle of Coke to be honest.

Oh, yeah.

If if this you know if you're paying for this meal or if it's free sure I'm gonna push the boat out and if I don't have anything to do for the next couple of days then I'm just gonna be a real fat pig.

Yeah.

When you have a bottle of Coke, do you have to clear your diary for the next few days usually?

No, I'm just thinking

because this is going to be a big blowout and I I just, you know, as long as I don't have to get up early tomorrow or you know, do anything impressive.

Are you just going classic Coke?

You're not going Pepsi?

No, I mean, I don't mind Pepsi, but no, no, no, Coke Max, Coke Zero, none of that shit.

No, I was Pepsi Max in it and Coke Zero.

No, I'm not interested.

It was nice that you called them all shit and then went back to make sure you had their names right.

Absolute load of shit.

We've all done

Pepsi Max.

Yeah, with

ice and lime.

Ice and lime in my Coke.

Yeah, nice.

Why haven't you asked me what I want to drink?

Sorry?

We are.

Yeah, but no, but I brought a Coke thing.

You didn't ask me if I wanted wine.

You didn't ask like any of that.

What sort of sommelier have you got over there?

Jesus Christ.

I thought what we'd actually done is quite smoothly moved into the drink portion of the menu.

But you're annoyed because we haven't officially asked you, right?

Yeah, because

there wasn't that heading.

Yeah, there was a heading.

I appreciate that.

And I also appreciate that on this podcast, we do ask about the drink pretty late in the day.

Yeah.

You had your starter and your main course and your side, and then we go, what would you like to drink?

And then it occurs to you, oh, maybe you'd like a wine, I forgot.

It's a bit much.

I'm going to have a glass of Pinot Noir.

I got into Pinot Noir.

I worked in New Zealand for a long time and they all know about wine in New Zealand, like young people, normal people know about wine in a way that I don't feel we do.

I certainly didn't.

And yeah, Pinot Noir was what I really discovered discovered in New Zealand.

And that's kind of been my go-to since then.

This is when you were doing The Hobbit.

I mean, I don't like to talk about it.

But yes, James, yes.

Yes.

What do Hobbits eat yeah?

Good question, actually.

Everything.

I mean, everything.

They eat like a sort of Dickensian gentleman's feast.

Like my character, Bilbo Baggins, or if you will, The Hobbit.

has he has his own

the main guy let's not let's not mess around he's the main guy right he's the hobbit the og

the O-H.

Yeah, he's got his own.

He's got his own sort of walk-in larder.

I mean, they take food very, very seriously.

Yeah.

Second breakfasts, all that.

Yeah, they eat a lot.

So, yeah, as a result, they're kind of a bit portly.

Or maybe that was just me, because I'm thinking Elijah Wood wasn't very portly.

But yeah, I think by the time you get to Bilbo, Bilbo, he definitely likes some grub.

So are you having the Pinot Noir

or the Coke?

Oh, can I have both?

This is a dream restaurant, right?

Yeah, or Woollet, yeah.

I mean, that's thank you.

This is the sort of floor in the format in that it is a dream restaurant, but we do tend to ask people to stick with one thing.

There are limits.

I see.

Fine.

There is one.

I would choose to go.

You can have both.

Thank you.

Are you going to double park them?

Are you going to go sip of the wine, sip of the Coke?

Or are you going Coke to start?

Coke to start.

I think Coke is going to come with the water.

So there's going to still be a little bit of Coke left over when I'm on the wine and pasta.

Because it's just, yeah, again, it peps you up.

Because I don't know if you know, but Coke is carbonated.

And it's got sort of like, but it's also got sugar in it, right?

So it's got, oh, you know, so it's two things, air and sugar.

We arrive at your dessert.

It's been such a journey.

I also kind of want to ask you if you can still do the Fargo voice these days, or can you not do it anymore?

It takes a bit of a run-up, to be honest, James.

It takes a little bit of a warm-up.

I don't want to make you perform for us, Martin.

I mean, it was fairly, it was obvious at the beginning of the episode that you were angling for that, James.

And we all ignored it and we moved on.

Yep.

Martin was very classy.

He just decided to sort of segue into the next bit.

Yes.

What would really make me happy is you trying it.

Oh, yeah, that would be happy.

I'm very bad at accents.

But that's why it's going to be fun.

If, why don't you say, what would you like for your dessert as a Minnesotan?

Okay.

Me and Martin have naturally braced ourselves.

Have you noticed that?

Yeah, it's really hard.

I can't really get past okay then.

Okay.

Martin, what be?

I kind of need to know your dessert choice there, Martin.

If you

I need to know your

it's not bad.

It's it's a bloody gallant effort.

I'm trying my butt I'm genuinely trying.

I think you hit the R's more.

Hit the R sound more on my name and on the dessert.

Martin, Martin?

Martin?

No, because then I lose the rest of it.

Martin.

Martin?

No, no, no, I'm doing.

Oh, that's good.

Martin?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Dessert.

Yeah, dessert.

I'm getting better in meal time already.

Improving, yeah, definitely.

Imagine if you're in a restaurant and the waiter came over and just started going.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Getting into characters.

What'd be you went for dessert there?

No, I don't know.

I don't know.

Can I see the manager, please?

This is a lot of fun.

I like you doing accents.

Can we just throw accents at you?

If you want to, I mean, it serves me right for trying to make you do the voice.

So, yeah, I think so.

But, like, look, can you do a thing where you don't pause?

Because let's face it, it's a bit more serious for me if I do a load of shit accents, because it's my job, right?

You've got your own thing going on, James.

Do you know what I mean?

You're untouched by it.

Like, if you, okay, you do a bad Welsh, no one gives a shit.

Yeah.

So, if I just say an accent, a region, I'll keep it in Britain.

I'll keep it in Britain.

Okay.

And you've just got to, without pausing, just ask me what I want for dessert in that accent.

Okay?

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

Belfast.

Oh, fuck off.

By the way,

start off with the one that will give me the most trouble.

It's good.

That's the sort of thing they say, but you need to work on the accent a bit more.

What would you like for dessert?

What the hell is that?

I'm trying not to think.

What would you like for dessert?

One more.

Birmingham.

What would you like for dessert?

Wow.

They are all quite similar, aren't there?

There's a definite similarity between all of them.

Which just goes to show we're all one big family.

The human race is one big family.

When I'm not allowed to think about it, I really do surprise myself with what comes out of my mouth.

And I'm not allowed to think about it at all.

And I just have to go for it.

It's a shock to me when it happens.

And to all of us, but I think it's quite good to not let your brain get in the way and just go for it.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

And we all admire that more.

The fact that

you've gone for it.

We should ask you to dessert properly, really, but I also want to know how long it took you to do the Fargo accent.

Really?

James.

All I wanted to talk about on this episode is the Fargo accent.

Yeah, we know.

I don't know why everyone's getting in the middle.

I could have got my number from someone, James.

We've got mutual friends.

And you could have just texted me.

Do you want to hear my dessert?

We would.

I would like a lemon meringue pie, please.

That's what I would like.

Thank you and goodbye.

Michael Francis been a wonderful guest.

I love lemon meringue pie.

I don't know if anyone's chosen it properly yet.

And I think some people have done little shout-outs to it.

I think a well-made lemon meringue pie is quite gorgeous, you know.

It's got that zesty flavour of the lemon and the sort of the sugar overload of the meringue again the pastry the nice sort of um crust pastry it's yeah it's gorgeous man i really like it and also it it feels sort of light and it's good that i'm in a restaurant because that does limit me to one piece if i have it at home then i just i'm going back for seconds and thirds you know so it's it's quite good to sort of you know be a bit restrained but yeah well-cooked piece of lemon meringue is amazing yeah i think we talked about it on the podcast before at the lemon meringue pie at gloria a restaurant in shoreditch where they have the normal lemon bit and then the meringue bit is probably about 30 centimeters high.

So that's that's well worth checking out.

You can have one slice, but then, you know, that's that's a lot of sugar.

Yeah, that's three courses by the sound of it.

You want the pastry to be good.

You want all the different parts of it to be really on point, you know.

Oh man, if they get all the different parts of it on point.

Yeah.

I could eat it forever.

Yes, it is a really good thing.

But then I think that about everything I eat, James.

I think that about everything I eat.

Fish and chips, why would you want to eat anything else?

Japanese, why would you?

So in the moment you're having it, I'm just basically like a chimp.

Just and all I can see or think about is what I'm in the moment of there.

This is why you need to hire someone to tell you to stop eating stuff so you can move on to another thing.

Ain't that the truth?

Yeah.

And my kids help with that.

My girlfriend helps with that a little bit because I give people license to say steady on because I will

whether it's the cliché is that because I'm the youngest of five and I was always quite small and yeah usually in big families, and if you're the youngest, there is that thing of just wanting to pack it all in your mouth.

But also, I think when I was a kid, I think I found it vaguely impressive that I was so small, but I could eat loads.

And like grown-ups and teachers would say, Oh, you're like a little hamster, aren't you?

Just tuck it all.

And I think I saw that as a badge of honor when I was about two foot one.

That at least, okay, I'm not tall, but I can eat.

And I think I still have a bit of that.

And of course, without being too serious or self-righteous about it, like most of us, I can't stand waste.

I can't stand it.

And it's not like I never waste anything.

I sometimes do, but I sort of hate doing it.

You know, when people have beans on toast, right?

And there's just like, and they, and they've, so they've had the toast, they've had the beans, but there's still, there's still some beans and quite a lot of bean sauce.

Why are you doing that?

There is no fucking reason on God's green earth that you would leave, like, oh, because that bit's not important.

Yeah, of course it's important.

It's still there.

It's on your plate.

I just don't get get it and i don't know whether that is just because i'm a pig or because i have something about you know you shouldn't throw food away you can be sort of uh you know a conscious pig i try to be an aware socially conscious pig i try to be an aware pig yeah sometimes i've had beans on toast and it doesn't look like there's enough beans like they don't completely cover the toast and i've been right i've got to really ration this i've got to make sure each bite yeah i have some beans but i can't go mad and then at the end i've got loads of beans because i completely didn't do it properly and then I'm like oh man this last bit of toast this last mouthful is gonna be drenched in beans and I've overbeaned it yeah what I love about this is that we do have to wrap up now and we're getting messages saying we've got to wrap up and James has thought no we need we need this anecdote about me having too many beans

connected with that with that yeah observation who would have thought we've got to do this beans anecdote if we don't get this you've got to have the beans bit when we take this on the road when lockdown's over the beans bit is going to kill it's going to kill we're going to have to open with the beans bit otherwise people are going to go mad yeah and maybe close as well yeah yeah yeah oh yeah like like the one and only like chessey

Sometimes on this podcast, someone brings something up and I really connect with it.

And we

talked about the beans.

When Martin talked about the beans, I was like, oh, man.

And I know on the Zoom chat, we're getting constant flashes up from Benito saying, do the menu, read his menu back.

We really have to stop now.

But he said the beans thing.

And I thought, man,

I really connect with that.

No one's ever bought a beans on toast on the podcast before.

Sorry, I said it.

I'll have to seize my opportunity.

Yeah, but no, I see that you're excited.

Yeah, I don't like beans.

Wow, do you not?

Don't like them.

I've got some beans actually at home, though.

We bought some beans at the beginning of the pandemic because we thought it's the sort of thing you should have just in case everything goes wrong.

Yeah.

We've not eaten them.

So if you don't like waste, Martin, you're very welcome to come over and pick up a tin of beans.

Can I?

Yes, you can.

Thanks.

Yeah, I'll let any loose beans

gratefully receive.

They're not loose.

We can tip them outside the door if you want.

You can just come and see.

I'd rather that.

I'd rather that, to be fair.

Yeah, just into my hand.

Thanks.

Water.

You would like sparkling water with an oxygen tank.

Yes, please.

Pomodoms or bread, you want bread and butter from?

The Wolseley.

Starter, smoked salmon with onions and capers.

Delicate toast that we then confiscate and don't let you eat.

Main course, prawn and spinach linguine with white wine sauce in Sorrento.

Side dish of chips, big chunky chips.

Drink, a glass of Pinot Noir and a bottle of Coke with a glass of ice and lime.

And dessert, a lemon meringue pie, where all the elements are made to perfection.

Sounds good, right?

Does sound good.

Yeah,

but I'd be very happy with that.

The chips are a rogue element for me, but I'm you know,

yeah, but you don't like beans.

I don't like beans.

You're not fully to be trusted there, Benito.

So who's Benito?

Oh, Ben.

Benito's the producer.

Sorry, Ed.

Yes, yes, I know.

Yes, yes.

Because I'm only seeing you

and you seem like the one who's in charge of this operation.

And James keeps referring to the great Benito, and you do seem a bit like an Italian fascist to me, only to me, I'm sure not to everyone else.

So, for this entire podcast, you have thought that Ed is the great Benito.

No, no, I know Ed is Ed, but maybe I was thinking, is that your pet name for him?

Because he really has invaded, you know,

North America.

There's a lot of

people in this universe.

But yeah, I'm an Italian fascist.

Dog de West.

Why not?

Someone's got a beat.

Thank you very much, Martin.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, gents.

My pleasure.

Thank you.

Well,

James, Martin Freeman came into the dream restaurant, and you absolutely wouldn't leave him alone.

You fanboyed all over him.

Yes.

We barely got to chat about food because you're like, well, Martin, tell us about the time you did a different voice.

Yes.

I wanted to know about the voice, and I got my answers.

I got what I came for.

I might not get to talk to Martin Freeman again.

I wanted to know about the voice from Fargo.

I wanted to know about Sherlock jumping off the building.

And I wanted to know about Big Keith.

And I asked all of those questions and I was very happy about it.

Well, I'm glad.

I thought that was a wonderful episode, actually.

And it genuinely felt like we were professional interviewers at points.

Yeah.

At times, I felt like this must be what it is like to take your podcast seriously.

Well, look, it was a great episode.

Thank you very much, Martin Freeman, for coming in.

Remember, everyone, season two of Breeders is on Sky, and it will be available to watch on Sky One and now TV from the 27th of May as a box set.

And Martin earned that plug because he didn't say Bomb Baymex.

Can we get back in touch with Martin and ask him about Black Panther?

Because I'm a bit annoyed that I missed out Black Panther.

I want more.

I want to do what I do.

Actually, I forget something.

I want to do a Devi episode.

I want to talk about Black Panther and I want to talk about beans on toast a bit more.

You want the great Benito, who's not me, to email Martin's representation and say, can we get Martin on board for a live-streamed episode?

Yes.

Specifically to be asked about Black Panther and beans.

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay, we have merch.

Go and get some merch.

Go onto our website, offmenupodcast.co.uk, and you can see how to buy some lovely t-shirt designs and all that sort of business.

When we told Martin Freeman we've got merch, he was like, great, I haven't seen him since the office.

That's what he calls Stephen Merchant.

It's his nickname.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Hello, I'm your dad's friend Lou Sanders and I've launched a new podcast called Cuddle Club.

Hmm.

It's better than it sounds actually.

I talked to special guests about cuddling.

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It's a perfect gift to yourself or to loved ones because it's actually free to download.

I'd love you to listen, but you're gonna be the loser if you don't.

It's worth reminding you that there's no other podcast about cuddling.

It's business gone crazy.

It's available on Apple Podcasts, of course it is.

ACast, yes, Spotify, wherever you get your podcast, subscribe now.

Please, don't be an absolute dick piece.

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Hello, I'm Carriead.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

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