Ep 98: Mary Lynn Rajskub

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Hey James, I've got big news for you, man.

Hit me with the big news.

We are doing another live-streamed off-menu redemption dinner party.

It's called the Off-Menu Redemption Dinner Party Second Helpings.

Do you remember the first one?

The first one we had so many guests on who'd all made massive mistakes in the past and off-menu and they wanted sweet redemption for their awful choices.

Some of them changed their orders, some of them kept their orders the same, and they had to justify it.

One thing's for sure: it was a rip-roaring success.

It truly was.

What a great time was had by all, and hopefully, we can have good times again on Sunday, April 11th.

Off-menu redemption dinner party, second helpings.

It's gonna be great.

Please, Benito, can I have some more?

Here's the details that you need to know.

Tickets cost £8.

They're available from dice.fm or offmenupodcast.co.uk and it starts at 7:30 p.m.

It's going to be such a good evening.

Sunday, April 11th.

Please, Benito, can I have some more?

And don't forget that when you listen to this podcast, for about a day or so, your we will smell weird.

Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast, the asparagus of the listening world.

Thank you, Ed Gamble.

My name's James Acaster.

I'm your friend and colleague.

Yes, you are.

Thank you for reminding me every single day.

This is the Off-Menu Podcast, where we ask a special guest there.

Favourite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish, and drink.

And this week's guest is Mary Lynn Rice Cub.

Mary Lynn Rice Cub, a brilliant comedian, brilliant actor.

She's in loads of fantastic shows.

She's in, it's always sunny in Philadelphia.

She's in 24.

She's in goddamn 24.

Chloe.

Chloe in 20.

Come on, guys.

Pretty exciting.

Very exciting.

And I'm looking forward to hearing.

But in LA, that's how we're interviewing Mary Lynn, Ed.

Yeah, I know.

Not just knocking around in London, you know.

No, I know.

Because we're in Los Angeles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're walking around.

There's loads of actors around here.

Not just Mary Lynn Rice Cub.

There's everyone walking around.

Have you met any actors ed no but we went to a vegan restaurant this morning and we saw moby we saw moby in the vegan restaurant it was very very funny to see moby in a vegan restaurant just sitting there being just totally you're oh of course it's in his contract to be moby that he has to be in this restaurant so it's going to be exciting to hear what marilyn in rice cup wants to eat but if she says a very specific ingredient that we have pre-established she will be removed from the restaurant and

the special secret ingredient this week is James maple syrup.

Maple syrup that

this is going to cause controversy.

There's going to be a lot of haters, a lot of people getting angry at us.

But look, we just have to be honest, and this is actually one that we both dislike.

Both don't like it.

Tastes weird.

Have it in little bits, maybe,

but I do not get why people are so obsessed with it.

The great Benito absolutely loves it.

He'd drink it, he'd drink it from the bottle.

Crying about the fact that we've made it the secret ingredient this week, but I just could do without it.

I'd rather, if I sit down and have some pancakes pancakes and put maple syrup on, I'm like, you know what?

I'd rather that was chocolate sauce, toffee sauce, something like that on my pancakes.

Butter.

Butter.

Not maple syrup.

It's just too sickly, even for a pudding head like me.

Yeah, I don't know how the Great Bonito's packing it away so much.

He's crying about the fact we picked the ingredient, but he's crying tears of maple syrup.

Yeah, yeah, little maple syrup tears.

He's just absolutely full of it.

I hope Marilyn Rice Cup's not full of it because otherwise she'll be chucked out.

In fact, we should chuck out the Great Bonito.

Yeah, see you later, Benito.

I'm liking maple syrup so much.

And then he needs to come back and record the podcast and edit the podcast and book the guests.

So for now, this is the off-menu menu of Mary Lynn Rice Cup.

Welcome, Mary Lynn, to the Dream Restaurant.

A little cough there, choking already in the Dream Restaurant.

That's a bad sign.

No, that's a good sign.

You know, that's good.

Good eating.

Welcome, Marilyn Vice Club to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

That's how that sound happens?

It was so much more mysterious than myself.

Yeah, fake exciting, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

Feige exciting.

See this magic?

Now I have a wet sock.

That's true.

James.

I'm sitting here with a wet sock, right?

Why?

I didn't tell you before we started recording.

Yeah, you've been holding it in.

I've been begging for any information about you, and you guys have just been looking at me

as if I've interrupted your day.

That's how I felt when when I got here.

I'm like, sorry for interrupting, guys.

No, and now the wet sock thing, like, what the hell is that?

Just to let the listener know, Mary Lynn's arrived and really had a go at us for not going out enough.

And then, when the great Benito said he might go to Disneyland, Mary Lynn said, What the hell are you thinking?

She called him a motherfucker.

That was in private.

That's not meant to be broadcasted.

Great.

My career is over.

So, explain your wet sock, please, James.

There's washers and dryers down the hall.

And I went and used the washing with the washer.

And then it

there was a guy fixing it when I arrived.

And he said, oh, I'm just fixing it.

That's done now.

That'll work a treat.

That's good to go.

And then he said, let me just watch you put some clothes in it first.

And I was like, fair enough.

Yeah, I'm sure he said, let me just wash.

Watch you put some clothes in it go on.

So he watched me load it up.

and then press enter start and he went great that's working and he left and then i went and it was supposed to have been done and it was like it stopped at 10 minutes to go but short of the spin and just said reselect so I did another one and it just basically flooded it even more and then the whole my clothes are just absolutely drenched and I've had to take them out and put them in the dryer but in doing so just flooded the whole laundry room and in my socks are soaking wet now and I'm sitting here that was that was like a minute before you arrived and then I had to run back in here and then like talk to you about Benito going to Disneyland and then start the podcast.

But

I feel like you should know that I've got wet socks while this is going on.

I do feel better

because I didn't

get to do what I wanted this morning.

Yeah.

And hearing what's going on with you makes me feel a lot better about my life.

What did you want to do this morning?

I just want to sit there

for like a long time.

Like longer than you would think.

Yeah.

You know?

Like, I want two hours to just roll into the day.

Uh-huh.

Would you look at anything while you're sitting there, or would you just sit there?

I just fiddle around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not just a full-on stare.

I'm not trying to say it just to be weird, but in all honesty, I just want to like walk around.

Yeah.

Just have my own time of it.

You know, like, don't rush me.

Yeah.

Don't try to talk to me.

Don't make me drive anywhere.

Oh, hold on.

I want to drive to 7-Eleven to get a little coffee and come back.

That's the only coffee I've had today.

It's not a good cup of coffee.

Well, I've made you a coffee there.

It's really good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So, hold on, when you say you didn't get to do what you wanted to do this morning, do you mean because of us?

I mean, I stopped short of saying that, but um, because all the things you described that you wanted to do are the opposite of doing a podcast.

Oh, always,

yeah, always, but that's the no, never want to do a podcast,

but even when I want to do something, I don't want to do it, yeah, right.

Do you have that?

Totally, it's not crazy, I think it's a fairly normal, I think it is.

I just don't want to do anything.

Sitting there,

I do a lot of petting of the pets.

Oh, good.

I'm glad the pets are.

Sit on the floor, walk around some more.

But, you know, people need things from me.

I have a child.

I'm talking about your pets before we started recording.

Just a dream.

Your cat's butthole fell out.

It really did.

Yeah.

That was one of the pre-chats we had.

Yeah.

Just looking around for that little tiny butthole.

Yeah.

Because it was a designer cat, I was telling you.

A designer cat.

Yeah, no, it costs a few thousand dollars.

Right, okay.

This is my husband.

The butthole.

The butthole fell out.

Yeah, that shouldn't happen.

Send it back.

Thank you.

That's what I'm saying.

That's why I was like, what the fuck is going on?

Yeah.

And then, you know, my husband was like, oh, let me go in.

He did some research.

He comes out.

He's like, okay, it turns out that's a thing that happens sometimes.

And it most likely will go back in.

Like, that doesn't help.

Or he's just like, fingers crossed.

Push it back in.

Oh my gosh.

That was the next fact.

He goes,

it also says that you might have an urge to push it in with your finger and not to do that.

And apparently, you had that urge because you went to, I was like, I don't feel like wanting to do that at all.

And this information is not helping us.

I don't know if it's an urge necessarily.

Well, I would.

Right.

We got wet socks and a guy who wants to push

button.

Cat fingering.

It's a better term.

I'm happy to be wet socks.

Yeah, that you want to do that.

And that pairing.

That's a nasty term.

Cat fingering.

You don't need that.

Normally, we'd ask if you're a foodie, if you love food, but I don't think you're going to tolerate that question.

Yep.

Yep.

Because you'd rather just sit there, right?

No, I will.

Look, I'm a bundle of conflict.

I'm an incredibly interesting person.

So

I do like food.

I think it's a wonderful pleasure of life.

Could be an addiction if you wanted to.

It could be a comfort.

I like to snack.

I try not to have processed snacks up in the house, but I like it when they're there.

You go from a chip to a.

Yeah.

Which factors into doing nothing and walking around.

It's just like

an endless pace to different stations in the house.

Just grazing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's good.

I was doing that before you came, so I was stress eating some of the socks situation.

Were the socks on your feet when you were yeah, they're still on my feet right now.

Oh, they're really damp.

I'm sitting here.

I've also got my foot deliberately in a patch of sunlight, hoping it's going to dry.

And those were your only pair of socks?

Yeah, why don't they change that?

They're special socks in the calm.

I've got these and I've got some thermal socks that I had in New York.

I'm not going to put them on here.

You guys are doing a whole extravaganza.

Oh, yeah, we're in New York and then we're in LA.

What do you think of that?

Different weather all the way.

Yeah, you're very cosmopolitan.

Does it make you think worse?

Because, you know, you were pretty gobsmacked that we've come here to do this.

Yeah.

Is it even more ridiculous that we've also been to New York?

I think it's wonderful, guys.

I believe in you.

You can just be honest with me.

You're very successful.

You're all very handsome.

And you're good boys.

You're taking New York by storm and now Beverly Hills.

Watch out.

Handsome little Benito there.

When he goes to Disneyland, who of the Disney characters do you think might fall in love with him for being so handsome?

Who's the lady duck?

Sally.

Daisy, Daisy.

Daisy.

Do you think you say Sally?

That would be cute.

You guys would be a cute couple.

Donald would be livid.

Him and Daisy Duck.

Not in his head, he seems pretty pleased with that result.

Have any of you guys been to Disneyland?

Now I want to go.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to be your Uber.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your drivers there.

I've been to Disneyland.

I met Marie from the Aristocats, but her butthole had fallen.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I had to push it back in.

Oh, I bet you did.

I didn't have to.

See, you're into pushing it.

You're into it.

You're into it.

You had an energy.

And this guy loves his wet socks.

He likes to have something content.

He's like, I'm special.

My stocks.

That's not true.

And you're all like, I want everyone to know I like to push

butthole back in.

Finally.

So we'll start the meal with still or sparkling water.

I'm going to go sparkling.

I think bubbles feels fancy.

It feels like you're doing something.

Totally.

I think I would normally go still anyway, but I get that point of view: that if you're out, you may as well go.

Right.

You may as well go out.

Go for it.

Get some bubbles, yeah.

But what if you're just like, if you're sitting down and doing nothing?

Does the sparkling water make you feel better or worse about that situation?

That's the thing about doing nothing in your own home.

Yeah.

You can

sometimes I'm like, hey, drink some tap water with no ice from your hands.

Either like that.

Like

a little kitten laughing at you.

Yep.

Yeah.

It's like a punishment.

I tell myself, get down on the floor.

Drink it out of the bowl.

Your cat must be looking at you.

That's what I think of you today.

Yeah.

You bitch.

Yeah.

You no good.

Sometimes at home, oftentimes I'll pop open a can of Perrier.

Yeah.

I'll put some lemon in there because I deserve it.

Yeah.

Like restaurant standards drinks at home.

Yeah.

Sometimes Sometimes if I'm on the go in my own house,

just drink it into the can, you know?

Carry the can around.

Yeah.

Would you, for this meal, like to just combine everything and just like pour a can of Perrier into a little cap dish and lap it up?

You could do that.

You know what?

Don't insult me.

I'm in the restaurant.

You serve me with your water.

This is me at home.

When I go out,

whatever you're most comfortable with.

I see what you're saying.

But that begs the question, when you go out, do you want to do something different or do you want to be comforted?

Yeah, I think you I think I'm going with the route of I want to be fancy when I'm out and I want to be served.

We'll put it in a glass then.

Okay, you don't need to lap it out your hand.

Thank you.

No problem.

It was pretty funny when you did it.

So

it's all good.

Yeah, yeah.

You seem to like it.

Yeah, I tried it.

But it's only kind of like there's a lot of glee in your eyes when you've done it.

At first I pictured it out of the sink and then, you know, I was like, let's heighten it.

Yeah.

Am I right?

Let's exaggerate and heighten it.

Yeah.

Pop it absorbed bread.

Pop it absorbed bread.

Mary Lynn Russell.

Pop it absorbed bread.

Um,

so angry.

Uh,

bread, please?

What type of bread?

Again, I like the hard bread that I'm not going to have at home that only comes in a restaurant that's crusty on the outside and soft on the inside.

If you want to throw one of those, um,

I think this is trying too hard for a restaurant.

If you put the parmesan, that crisp thing.

Yeah.

That can be amazing.

You know, it's like a flat

sits next to a breadstick sometimes.

Yes.

I do know what you're talking about.

I love those.

They're really unbelievably delicious.

But sometimes you're like, hey, take it easy.

Bread is enough at the restaurant.

Like, what are you hiding that you have to like show off with the parmesan?

Is the bread not good enough that you have to put that parmesan cookie?

But then when I eat it, I'm like, this is incredible.

But it seems like too much, like it's going too far.

I always think I might try and make those at home.

Right.

Because you just put little piles of parmesan on like a baking sheet and then put them in the oven and they melt down into a crisp format.

You can buy them at Whole Foods in tubs.

And if I do that, I've normally eaten them within the hour of buying them.

There's no, I shouldn't do it because I eat them straight away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like you're like chain smoking them.

Yeah, exactly.

Just straight down.

As soon as I get back while I'm unpacking the shopping, it's like my snack to eat while I'm unpacking the rest of the shopping.

Yes.

We can get you those if you like.

Instead of bread, we can just get you a whole basket of those parmesan crisps.

I am going to miss the bread a little bit, though, if we do that.

We can combine them.

It's very indulgent.

Yeah, okay.

A combo would be great.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Because if they're your favorites, then that's what we want for you.

Thank you.

That's okay.

I do enjoy dipping the bread into the olive oil and balsamic.

Yeah.

If you just got olive oil, that's great.

No, we can get you both.

Okay.

Anything you want.

We can get you the finest.

What about I was just in the south in Atlanta working on a movie.

It's not a a big deal, guys.

It's kind of a big deal that I'm here

in

your hovel.

Dream restaurant, please.

Not a hovel.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

We were in the dream restaurant.

But that's also my own mentality.

Sometimes a hovel is my dream restaurant.

So that feels good to me.

That's where you make it.

So if you are imagining a hovel right now.

What if I'm in the dark just lapping water out of that bowl, but that's my dream?

It honestly sounds like you've been in prison, so far.

That might be your dream.

Yeah.

But you're like, yeah, drinking water out of a dish and living in a little hovel

this has happened at like three restaurants so it's i'm gonna go ahead and say it's the norm bread basket with a biscuit cornbread and some other kind of bread like some kind of jalapeno

ridiculously good yeah not enough people pick cornbread on this podcast cornbread is so good it's so good it's so delicious and you so rarely find it in the uk yeah and it's so delicious it's just like having a little, it's almost like having a secret dessert at the beginning of the meal, really.

Like a honey butter or something like that.

Oh, so delicious.

There was a

band when I was a teenager.

I can't remember what they were called now, actually, but they were like a metally band.

No, but one of the members was called Cornbread.

That was his name.

And that was the first I'd heard of.

I heard about that guy before I heard about actual cornbread.

Right, okay.

So that's what I always think of when people say cornbread is this guy with bleached blonde, spiky hair who has shades and plays the guitar and you do cheesy grins all the time.

I feel like I should know who that is.

I take cornbread for granted in the U.S.

Like it's just like, yeah, cornbread, but whatever.

I didn't have it growing up, but then once it was there, I was like, yeah, it's always been there.

It's cornbread.

But you don't even really have it.

No, we don't really have it.

You're not going to come across it.

And you'd have to go to like, maybe like a barbecue restaurant or something, like a very consciously American restaurant.

Yes.

And those are normally not great anyway because they like, you know, they go all out with the theme and it's a bit cringeworthy.

Now when you were yelling the bread choice at me, you said Papadon, isn't that the crunchy one?

That's a crunchy crispy.

Oh, okay, yeah.

The big crunchy crispy one.

But that's something I did not know what that was until I moved to LA.

Right.

Oh, okay.

Because I grew up south of Detroit in Michigan.

We did not have avocado.

We really didn't have fish.

Like, fish was a real freaky thing.

If someone was going to eat fish, yeah.

There wasn't any fish in there.

No, there was a fast food restaurant called Long John Silver's.

That's where you would get your like deep-fried fish and chips, but it was still such a bizarre, you know, like what?

Oh, you're going to Long John Silver's.

So exotic

would be the pirate-themed fast food seafood restaurant would be so weird.

Because it's right next to Pizza Hut, which also has the Pac-Man.

So it's like,

and then McDonald's on the other side.

So, you know, the Long John Silver's was like the very wild, exotic

third choice.

Did the servers at Long John Silver's like dress as pirates?

Was that part of it?

You know what?

I see where your mind is going, and I don't need to know that.

The butthole pushing in,

you want the ladies in the...

Oh, we're wenches.

Okay.

We get it.

We got to get this guy to Disneyland so he can pick up some ladies.

It would be the totally wrong place.

No, I was just wanting to.

He can get some ass.

Take him to Disneyland.

I don't want to go to Disneyland.

I'm going to go for him over there.

Thank you.

Mary Lynn.

You can smooch Daisy Duck.

I'm I'm not going to Disneyland for Eddie Ass.

Donald Duck's middle name is Fontleroy.

Did you know that?

That's what Ed found that out this morning, genuinely.

Ed's fiancé texted it to him.

Why?

That's where their relationship is.

I love it.

She does like Donald Duck.

I wanted that for my marriage, which is now ending.

Oh, yeah.

We never rest in peace.

Thank you.

Kind of exciting because I don't really talk about my separate.

I talk about it in live shows all the time.

I say like crazy shit.

But as far as like being recorded for the old

person that's an exclusive, the only person that's talked about it is TMZ.

Can you believe that?

That's how big of a international superstar I am, guys.

TMZ made me clickable for a day.

I saw the TMZ bus tour the other day.

Have you seen that going around LA?

It's like on a bus.

Sure.

Does it go past your house?

Does it go past your house?

How dare you?

Yeah, I wave to them.

I call them in.

Yeah, yeah, come in, please.

Yeah.

Don't push that in.

No, I'm highly concealed where I am.

Push it in.

Oh.

Hey, guys.

What is on the store?

I'm free now.

What is this?

TMZ butt tour, the bus tour.

But you said butt tour.

Yeah, you nearly said TMZ butt tour.

And we all heard you.

What do they show you on that bus tour, though?

I don't really understand what it is.

It's like a gossip, news gossip website.

What is TMZ stand for?

Star Maps tour would be you would get a map and it would show you celebs' houses.

But I mean, this was 20 years ago when I moved here when it was like there there was no internet.

So TMZ would have to like take it up a notch.

I, for a TV show, did a like a bike tour.

Okay, you were on a TV show.

We get it.

And we went to the toilet where George Michael got caught.

Did you really?

Yeah.

I kind of would like to see that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's pretty good.

It's pretty good.

There's no plaque in there or anything, but.

I think Ed knew that you would like to see that.

That's why he brought it up.

I feel ashamed that I want to see it because it also breaks my heart as much as I want to see it.

Yeah.

But it also delights me.

You know?

So I'm sort of like, why wouldn't that happen?

And who cares?

Like, why does it have to be such a big thing?

In the dream restaurant, we can make those the toilets,

if you like.

Okay.

There'll be a hovel and then the toilets are where George Michael got caught.

Was it like a rest stop?

It's like a public restroom, yeah.

Oh, oh, not attached to anything.

No, it's own its own thing.

It was attached to like the plumbing in those toilets.

Yeah.

Plumbed in.

Yeah, very exact.

So we come to your starter now.

Okay.

You looked at me like, have you done your homework?

Yeah, you're looking at me like you're waiting for me to suggest something to you.

I want,

tell me what I like.

Won't you tell me what I like?

Because I don't know.

My fantasy restaurant is where you eat that appetizer that is too much.

It's too decadent and it fills you up.

Okay.

I mean, maybe like a homemade flatbread, like a miniature pizza.

Because it's like, we shouldn't be eating a pizza before the meal.

But if it's like thin with the right kind of cheese and an olive

you know that's gonna be great i feel like i would eat an eggplant type of a thing that i wouldn't ever order as the main deal dish it seems like it's causing you a lot of stress so many of you you've got very stressed out you're you're you're running your hands over your face both hands like beets and goat cheese

that's why i'm stressed because i'm like i don't want to say it but i kind of want to eat it but it seems stupid is this order pizza no they're like three separate pizza.

Right, okay.

So, it's a choice between.

So, we can we're gonna help you choose between these three: the flatbread pizza.

Okay, so sometimes it's like fantasy, you can have whatever you want.

Now, I have to choose, you have to choose, you know what?

You have control issues, and I get it.

It's about buttholes and pirates, and you're gonna narrow down my choices.

Just try to

no, but you're right, let's be specific.

This is this is helping me.

Yeah, you gotta love one thing and be passionate about it, you know?

You can't be wishy-washy, You can't be like, oh, the beets or the.

Yeah, you can't be having beets and a pizza unless you want to put the eggplant, the beets, and the goats' cheese on the pizza.

You know what?

Don't do that to me.

Don't make my thing disgusting.

Okay, yeah.

Don't make my indecision.

You're trying to make me make a decision by making my indecision disgusting.

Again, I see what you're into.

Control, shaming, and bars.

Yeah, and bars.

Yeah.

So Ed's coming off pretty badly

in this episode.

Mr.

Cry.

How am I doing?

How are you doing?

Yeah, in comparison to Ed.

Just a little sad, just some wet socks.

Just sad, sad wet socks.

Sad old wet socks.

Polite, though, polite.

Thank you very much.

He's getting nasty.

He's getting pretty nasty, isn't it?

Yeah, it was pretty nasty there.

Asking if you want to put beets on the pizza.

Yeah.

I just pictured us in a relationship.

Look, I'm trying to save you from something disgusting, and I'm trying to help you make a choice.

Do you want help or?

It wouldn't work, Mary Lynn.

We're done.

It wouldn't work.

You're both at different points at the minute with the Ed's engaged to be married, opposite.

Oh, congratulations.

Thank you.

Good luck.

Have fun.

Putting your family together.

Got your tips for him?

You know what?

I feel good about this.

I like that the, what was it?

Fauntle Roy?

Font Leroy.

I like that you had that conversation.

I'm just going to blindly use that as an example of your connection to each other, even though I know none of the context of it.

Sure.

I'm going to say you're solid.

She likes Donald Duck.

It's kind of weird.

He's going to Disneyland by himself.

Once again, Acastlo comes out of this clean.

We're going to need to make a decision on the starter mode.

Okay, I'll.

Why is he so mad at me?

I know that he's really passionate about it.

Even though I think it's lame, I think it's delicious.

I'm going to go with the beets and goat cheese, and that's where I'm going to get my vinegar.

I'm going to take it off the bread.

I'm going to put it on it.

And I'm going to be civilized.

I'm going to have a nice, light appetizer.

That's it.

I think that's a really good decision.

Thank you.

you and maybe they put sometimes they put a little uh candied nut in there yeah sprinkle it that's good pecan or a walnut in you yeah delicious walnut we'll go with the walnut because i want to get along with you okay no no pecans we've discussed it on the podcast before a roasted salted pecan is my favorite nut yeah he was eating a packet of them yesterday and walking around the airbnb and he was saying to me and benito Try that.

Tell me that's not the best nut in the world.

Like that.

Tell me that isn't the best nut in the world that you've ever tasted.

And you said, put these wet socks on and try it again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ever thinks better with me?

It is such a good nut, it almost shouldn't be a nut.

It's a cut above the rest of the nuts because it's way sweeter

and like the consistency isn't super hard.

It's like it got a little bit of a, oh, pecan.

It's like a cheese.

Yeah.

Well.

Go on.

You don't have to let him lead you.

You don't have to say yes.

I know.

You saw me starting to say yes.

Yeah.

Pecan is not a cheese.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There I said it.

Fair enough.

I know that.

I was just laying a trap.

I'm not going to fall.

He's actually on worse behavior than normal today.

I'm

continuing.

I don't know what it is.

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What are you doing there?

Stretching it out.

Thanks for asking.

Stretching the thigh.

You've stretched your, you've folded, you've got your ankle on your You stretch this restaurant on that leg.

The I-T.

In a kind of L-shape, and then you're pushing the knee down and shaking it.

Yeah.

While looking right at me.

I'm pushing in my butthole, too.

Yeah.

And

you're stretching your leg out.

Yeah,

you got to do some stuff.

You're drying your socks.

Yeah, I'm drying my socks.

Harder to see.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

But I don't know how you saw that under the white tablecloth of this fancy restaurant that we're in.

Sure, yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm a genie, remember?

So I can see anything.

I can can see that.

And now you're doing the upper leg.

I can see that.

Even it out.

Yeah.

Are you stretching because your main course requires some pre-stretching before you eat it?

It's heavy.

Yeah.

It's, I'm going to go straight up spaghetti bolognese.

Is it our first bolognese?

Someone picked it as a starter.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, but.

But this is our first.

If he had a catalogue,

Joe Thomas did.

Oh, yeah, he did.

Good memory.

Yeah.

Pretty good, eh?

I got it.

That is a good thing.

Well, he's a pig.

Yeah, well, he doesn't come across well, actually, on that point, so that's fair enough.

Is this something that you cook at home?

No.

No?

I don't even eat it all the time.

I'll eat it once a year.

I wasn't accusing you of eating it all the time.

No, I don't make it.

Sorry.

But that's a classic home-cooked dish, spaghetti bolognese.

Yeah, I think so.

Where would you get the spaghetti bolognese from?

Okay, if I make spaghetti at home, it's just a jar of tomato sauce, ground beef, spaghetti.

Spaghetti.

Or sometimes you make, yeah, but I'm talking about when you go to a restaurant and they make it with like

what do they do?

They do like bacon and they put all the fat in there.

Yeah, there's like some time and energy put into that.

Sometimes chicken livers are in there.

Okay.

I don't even know that.

Not into that?

I am, but I'm trying.

What if I'm like, oh, I'm vegan?

Well, you're small.

And then I'm sitting in the back of the bushes.

The beef and the bacon's a shock.

Yeah, but then you put it over the edge with the chicken livers.

Like, I'm trying to act like I'm two steps out, and you just put me four steps in.

I'm so sorry.

Where's your favorite place to get spaghetti bolognese?

Ooh, you got me on that.

And you got me.

Somewhere in the valley near my house in the strip mall.

It's called Maggiano's, guys.

It's a famous chain restaurant.

Okay.

A chain restaurant in a strip mall.

Yep.

That's your favorite place to get it?

Yep.

And you're going to 7-Eleven to get your coffee?

Standing behind that.

I'm not going to feel bad because I don't have, you know, sometimes people will have those conversations about restaurants they go to.

I don't have those.

No.

I don't have that kind of time.

Yep.

I don't have the space in my brain to log in and talk about what restaurants I've been to.

I'm not going to do it.

I'm going to go to 7-Eleven and I'm going to go to Maggiano's.

When you say there's no space in your brain to log in and do that, um, what

do you think is like taking up the space?

What are you thinking about?

Just more space.

What are you thinking?

I think you know that.

What are you thinking about instead?

That's like stopping you.

I'm trying not to think about stuff, right?

You're trying to clear your mind as much as possible.

I want to be involved in a religion that doesn't let women in.

Pardon me?

Like the guy who sits under the tree in meditation and he's like, I don't eat food.

Yeah.

Women are stupid.

I'm evolved.

I want to be that guy.

You want to be the man?

Yeah, you're like, you ask him something like tangible that happens in every day.

And he's like, I don't know, man.

I'm just all energy.

Yeah.

I'm one with the earth.

But why does he hate women that guy?

Well, he doesn't hate them.

He just sees them as subservient.

Right.

And they just take care of everything while he sits under the tree and is evolved.

So you want to be that guy?

Yeah.

Right.

But where does that leave you as a woman?

I no longer exist.

But you're the man in this scenario.

Correct.

You would like to be a man who hates women.

Okay.

Not hates, but sees them as subservient, yes.

Do you want to just do this just for the main course or for the remainder of the meal?

Yep.

Feed this man.

You're so sweet.

You're giving me an out on this.

Yeah,

you can just be the man who hates women under the tree for the main course.

But also eats bolognaise.

Yeah, you need to eat the bolognese, yeah.

Yeah, I'm gonna be that guy for the main chorus.

Okay, great.

And then wait till you see what I'm gonna be for the next chorus.

I want to get more of an idea of this man.

So, like, can you be the man now?

And I'm approaching you under the tree.

Okay.

And what's his name, first of all?

Guru Dave.

Guru Dave?

Hello, Guru Dave.

I've walked many miles to see you.

I wondered if you could tell me I'm having such a lot of stress in my personal life at the minute.

The washing machine broke and my socks are really wet.

And I think I'm going to have to go and constantly top up the dryer.

That's you.

That's you.

Stop.

And then he takes his branch and whips you on the head.

Thank you.

And if you keep talking, you get an eye poke.

Then you're half blind.

Then see how much you care about your socks and your bitching.

Also,

try going on a hunger strike for two days and then get back to me.

You're eating bolognese.

About your problems.

You can't tell me what to go on a hunger strike.

Pay attention to what I'm doing.

Oh, yeah, yeah, bolognese.

Do I eat bolognese?

Yeah.

You don't know what I do.

You got spaghetti hugging out of your mouth right now.

I could have spaghetti coming out of my nose.

It doesn't mean I'm eating it.

I barf it up after this, guys.

Guru Dave's got issues.

How long do you want this?

It's so evolved, but also has an eating disorder.

How long do you want the strands of spaghetti to be?

Great question.

Are you going to answer it as Marilyn or Guru Dave?

Well, Guru Dave, one long string at a time that goes in his nasal passage and all the way down and then goes out because want he wants everything to be connected.

So he wants it hanging out of his nose and his butt at the same time.

I'm afraid one end and it will come out the other.

Sorry, but that's what he wants.

Is he going to floss his whole body?

It's a body floss.

That goes in his nose, not his mouth.

And I'm sorry about that, but that's what it is.

Oh, you don't need to apologise.

This is Guru Dave.

Yeah.

This is nothing you marry.

Guru Dave.

This is how he cleanses his inside.

With a big long piece of spaghetti.

One long piece of spaghetti.

Yeah.

Which he inserts in his nose and not his mouth.

Yeah.

Mary Lynn, if I were eating it, I would cut it up into small forkfuls.

And guess what?

I'm eating a fourth or a third, maybe.

And you know what?

I'm drinking

a dry martini, vodka martini with olives.

So hold on a second.

Yeah.

You're not finishing your main course.

No.

No.

You're not going to finish it.

No.

Would you just just like us to bring you a smaller portion then?

No.

I want to know there's so much, but I'm only eating

and throw the rest.

Throw the rest away, yeah.

Okay.

So even

if we brought you.

Which is much more reasonable than what that disgusting Guru Dave brought.

I mean, Guru Dave,

what he's doing with the food is absolutely outrageous.

Yeah, it's horrible.

It's closer to God, though.

Yeah.

I don't know.

What would Guru Dave think of your behavior,

eating the spaghetti like that and not finishing it?

He would think that I'm a a fool who's just subjected to this material world.

Yeah.

And I would say to him, I don't know what you're talking about.

Yes.

Nobody needs to eat that much pasta.

It's Maggianos.

They bring out an extra large family style bowl.

They say that probably in response to that, probably.

That was like five words too many for Guru Dave to listen to.

He probably cut you off with that again.

Yeah, I don't, it's hard to understand, Guru Dave, because it's like, does he want you to try to to control the situation or let it be?

Does he want me to just not go to Margiano's?

He probably wants me to not eat at all.

Yeah.

He's very controlling, though, isn't he?

He's very.

And he hates.

That's the part I don't understand.

It's all

distracting to talk to him because when he talks and waves his head around, his nose spaghetti flaps everywhere.

Yeah, it's all just in the breeze to the vibration of his points.

Like Dr.

Zoiberg.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's like, like Dr.

Sounded like a mouth harp.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's got sitar.

He can play sitar on his

nose.

Pasta.

Yeah.

Oh,

no.

What have we done?

He said.

This martini you've got, is that your dream drink that we're going to ask you later?

Or is this just with the spaghetti bolognese and your dream drink is something different?

No, this is my dream drink.

But again, like the bolognese, I do not in real life get that.

I this is the drink I wish that I could handle the alcohol of oh I know I'm saying dry but I'm mean dirty I want the olive juice right okay

and I want like two to three olives and I don't again I don't know I'm saying that for the bolognese I want the plate to I want to take what Maggiano's is giving me

I don't need the extra large martini glass at some restaurants.

I want like a civilized,

small, but then you keep drinking them.

You know, you drink like three or four, but they stay cold because they're not in a massive.

You know, some do you guys have this where you go to a Mexican restaurant and they're like, the bigger, you know, the margarita.

It's like you know the sort of thing you mean.

Yeah, like don't do that.

Or like ones for like loads of people and there's loads of straws in it.

Yeah, or there's like a beer can in it.

Yeah, and a sparkler and stuff.

And I feel like some places do that.

Even with wine, I've seen like an extra large goblet.

Like, don't do that.

I'm trying to, there's not a shortage of alcohol.

So you want a small, small martini glass?

Yes.

But and three or four of them.

Yes.

Yeah.

Are you going to finish the drink?

I'm going to finish all of them, and I'm going to be living my best life.

Now, you say you wouldn't normally get that because you can't handle the alcohol.

What would you normally have to get at Maggiano's?

I would get just, you know, a house Cabernet.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But this is your dream restaurant, so you can handle as much alcohol

as you want.

I might drink martini and then have wine at dinner.

Oh.

I might be smoking while I'm eating.

That'd be great.

We can bring you a cigarette if you want.

Okay.

We've never done that in the off-menu restaurant before.

No, never.

But someone a pack of cigarettes?

We can do that.

And I'm dressed like madmen.

I'm dressed like marvelous Mrs.

Maisel at that table.

Like perfectly tailored, colorful.

Yeah.

Smoking, drinking, and eating.

But hold on a second.

You're dressed as Mazel, but you're also Guru Dave.

That's true.

You're both of them.

Yeah.

Okay, so you're dressed as the Marvelous Mrs.

Maisel.

Yeah.

But you're currently.

Yeah.

Okay.

And you got the spaghetti hanging out of your nose.

Yes.

Yeah.

So good.

You do look very happy with that.

I don't think you're even doing a bit.

I think you're genuinely happy about this.

Yeah, Mazel did pretty well.

Yeah, you saw me get

real grounded.

Like, yes.

Yeah, you were like that.

Let's write this one down.

Let's save this for now.

You certainly looked happier than five minutes ago when you reached a point of saying nose, pastor, and then went, oh no, what did we do?

Yeah.

Where you were so deep at the improv and then really regretted all of it

in real life if you drank that dirty martini what would happen to you how would you behave maybe i'd get into a fight yeah a little slap fight with a a woman in the bathroom you would start

who i perceive that she knows she's more beautiful than me and she's more outgoing yeah and she's like I don't have a care in the world.

Or like, I'm flirting with guys.

And then she'd just be taking too long washing her hands.

And at first, I'd like run into her, like, excuse me.

Yeah.

Other people have to wash their hands.

And then it would just devolve into like a slap fighting.

And I might accidentally push her head into the hand dryer.

The hand dryer.

Yeah.

This would be at Musso Franks, Hollywood.

I realized I just connected to where the martini is happening.

So Frank's in Hollywood.

Thanks, Hollywood.

Yeah.

And you also get the orange ruffy there.

So if I'm not Guru Dave.

Yeah.

And I'm Marvelous Mrs.

Mazel, I might order the Orange Ruffy.

Okay.

And let's say if I was friends with that woman Yeah, instead of fighting her in the bathroom, maybe we would both be

Splitting a side of fries, okay, you know, and we'd be drinking our martinis together So that's really why I beat her up because I was like, why aren't we together hanging out?

Like, why do you have to look down on me?

So you're gonna beat her up, then befriend her, and then split a side of fries?

No, the befriending would happen, and it would save me from having to beat her up.

Right.

Because we would have been getting along whilst drinking the martinis.

And then we'd be like, should we get a side of fries?

Yeah.

You know, like that.

And then we'd be talking together and then she would validate me as a woman.

She would make me feel like I'm okay, not like I have to beat you up.

Yeah.

That's what, I mean, is she doing this because she knows that you're possibly going to beat her up?

So she's trying to kind of like talk away out of it.

No, we're real friends.

Kind of validate you so that you don't beat her up.

Oh, maybe.

Because like,

you mean how this one is in relation to it?

Yeah, how you feel.

It's always that double-edged.

Like, does he really mean it?

Yeah, yeah.

Like, you seem to feel like that with Ed.

Like, when if you disagree with him, you might be in trouble.

Yeah.

And maybe this lady's like that with you, which is like, oh,

I like flirting with guys.

I'm so confident.

I think you're onto something.

Maybe we're more alike than I realize.

Yeah, I think so.

You and Ed are actually very similar.

That's why you've been clashing the whole time.

What's an orange ruffie?

She wants to please me.

It's a fish that's lightly breaded

and fried in the pan.

It's a delicate fish.

Oh, I thought it was another drink.

I thought it was a cocktail.

Oh, gosh.

I'm glad you asked.

Guys, welcome to Orange Raffie season in the U.S.

So the drink we're going with is the martinis at Frank's with a lady that you've not had a fight with but made up with.

You guys should go to Mousson Frank's.

It's in Hollywood.

Mousson Franks.

Yeah, it's an old Hollywood institution.

That sounds good.

You would eat there and then go to the Magic Castle.

Are institutions that good?

This one is.

Is it just that I get called institutions?

So we all go there, but then we're like, this food isn't as good.

I agree with you, but this one actually does have good food.

Maybe it's just the martinis talking.

But I would say, by and large, yeah, it's more.

Our institutions are going to disappoint us, right?

Sure.

They usually do.

And is the cider fries your side dish choice that you're splitting with the woman that you didn't beat up?

Yeah, they're skinny, crispy fries.

Skinny, crispy fries.

Yeah, simple.

You can't go wrong with that.

You're never going to go wrong with that.

No, you won't go wrong with that.

It's fine.

I mean, what kind of asshole restaurant messes up fries?

Sure.

Like, if you get a steak fry that's soggy, or you get fries that aren't hot or crisp.

We've already established this is not an asshole restaurant.

No.

Because

this is not an asshole pushing in restaurant, nor is it an asshole restaurant.

It has nothing to do with assholes, this restaurant.

Nothing.

That's what I'm saying.

Not your dream restaurant, mine.

You guys seem to differ on that topic quite a lot.

Could you ever envision yourself having, like, splitting a portion of fries with Ed?

I'd use a fork if that helps.

Really?

Are you dipping your fries in?

It didn't help.

Bad luck.

That's nice that you use a fork.

I feel that.

Yeah, because I've just been pushing a cat's asshole.

Oh, right.

You really set me up for that one.

Yeah.

Then I don't have any problems.

Okay, fine.

I respect what you do.

And the fact that you use a fork is the right thing to do, and it shows that you're a gentleman.

Thank you.

Got some bad news for you.

Okay.

I'm wearing quite an old t-shirt and I'm getting very warm and sweaty and I feel like it's gonna I'm gonna absolutely stink soon.

I'm sweating as well.

I'm also sweating.

I have no socks on.

On the plane on the way here from New York, I absolutely stanked.

Like I was wearing an old t-shirt and I started sweating on the plane.

What is going on with your packing?

I absolutely stank.

Like so bad.

Like stank of just.

Did you kind of enjoy that you were putting it on people?

Well, I was in between these two and the great Benito got a whiff at one point, and it really did.

It was bad for him.

He was very upset when he got a whiff, and I feel like it's happening again now.

Because you didn't have a shower before you left for your trip, and you didn't have a shower this morning because you were trying to do your laundry.

I showered, but this is

the old t-shirt that

I think contains old sweat that I'm now warming up.

I reject the old sweat hypothesis that's what I was thinking no because i've washed out i've worn this on stage many times underneath a jacket and just like heavily sweated into it to the point where i mean i guess it could have synthetic fibers to the point where it's holding on to the sweat for a long time yeah but i still am with you you wash it i've washed it but like i honestly feel that like this is beyond repair this t-shirt now and just it's like a t-shirt you're gonna get rid of that today i probably should do what is it a restaurant yeah the nix the next philadelphia Philadelphia.

Oh, good sandwich place.

But yeah, right now

I feel like it's probably his last outing because I think I'm by the end of this podcast, I'm going to stink to high heaven.

Should we all take our shirts off?

See in your eyes, that's where you wanted it to go.

I am a newly single woman.

Yeah, you are.

I don't have a lot of time left in my life.

Yeah.

I'm not 20 anymore.

To be honest, how many people have you used that line on?

Never.

This is so exciting.

No, this is like the new me.

I'm trying it out.

Good chat up line.

Have you chatted up any guy?

God, no.

Do you want to?

We could do like a bit of, I mean, join a practice.

That was the extent of it.

I already did it.

I already felt like it was a good idea.

I could pretend to be the great Benito at Disneyland.

And you could come up, and you could pretend to be you.

And.

Does that make me Daisy Duck?

if you want to be

i just yeah kind of like guru dave i just go into sounds no i'm mortified at the idea of of chatting someone up yeah we've already got that line of hey have you been on magic mountain hey do you know where the haunted castle is uh oh hello um oh oh hey yeah i was talking to you oh see i don't even know to say hello i think i think i do know where the haunted castle i'm a bit scared of it though my name's benito i get very scared around ghosts oh hey benito oh hello uh what kind of name is that oh it's a magician's name.

Are you magical in other ways, Benito?

Oh,

it sounds like you know how to use your hands if you're a magician.

Oh,

I guess I mainly use my hands for podcasting these days.

Oh, what's a podcast?

Oh, it's like I get my friends, Ed and James.

I really respect them.

They're really great guys.

I have to admire them.

They have my

hands.

Oh, please.

I'm going to take my vagina and walk away.

Oh, no, please bring your vagina back.

Oh, Benito.

These snake hubs are moving on.

I'm the great Bonito.

Well, Benito.

Are you just falling down a tunnel?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bonito, you really, you really stacked that one.

Yeah,

absolutely blew it.

Bad luck.

Why does he start talking about how he respects his friends?

Yeah, that was so

pathetic, wasn't it?

It was so pathetic.

The last thing a lady wanted us to hear about.

That was the moment you checked out, right?

Was when he said, I respect my friends so much.

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Say goodbye to stains and messes with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics that make cleaning easy.

Liquid simply slides right off.

Designed for custom comfort, our high-resilience foam lets you choose between a sink-in feel or a supportive memory foam blend.

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I guess we should ask you what your dessert is.

We've blitzed through everything else, really.

It's all been like a whirlwind of characters and different locations.

And,

you know,

we've learned something about your personal life as well.

Not too much.

The separation that's going on at the minute.

It's just been better.

At the minute.

I've enjoyed that.

I've enjoyed hearing about that.

We haven't had that before.

I know.

On the podcast.

Yeah, yeah.

It's also like, why would I?

There's no need.

This whole thing is designed around why do I feel the need to say personal stuff?

Yeah.

That's why you've never said it before.

It's mad.

It's mad that you bought it.

It's stupid.

Stupid is what it is.

Why get personal?

Yeah.

With you guys.

I've enjoyed it.

But I've opened up as well.

I've told you how much I stink right now.

That's true.

Yeah, yeah.

My problems are a big larger than just stinking.

Like you can just take a bath.

It's not the dismantling of a decade relationship.

No different than having a

decade.

Ed's been with his partner for a decade, and now they're getting married.

Opposites.

I stink.

You stink as well?

Yeah.

You just sniffed your pit.

I feel all right.

I don't stink.

Dessert, I changed my mind

twice.

And now I think I'm going with the

Italian, the Bolognese.

It's like a carryover.

Because I wanted to say like chocolate lava, and then I was like, I don't want to leave key lime pie by the wayside because that's a refreshing,

you know.

I don't want people to discard it.

That's a great dessert, but then I said, Um, Effett, I'm gonna go tiramisu because it's decadent.

You're in you're in Italy already for this.

I'm in Italy.

May as well stick there.

James was really worried there for a second.

You thought you were just gonna have bolognese for dessert as well.

Yeah, you guys have, you guys know you saw him.

Yeah, I do because he loves desserts and he hates when people pick savory things for desserts.

Yeah.

Does that happen?

Yeah, sometimes people have you have to hold back from shoving their head into the hand driver.

No, I don't hold back.

I I do it.

You do?

Yeah, I'll scream at them on the podcast.

I'll say, fuck you.

Oh, gosh.

No, I would never.

Just

the best.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

Because I was worried there that you were going to not finish.

Forget your body.

You don't really understand each other.

Yeah,

I think you need to stop attaching yourself to just

any men nearby at the moment.

I think, you know, I understand.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

But like, anytime any one of us shows you any sort of like

we agree with you, you're like, oh, maybe you.

Maybe this is a lifetime together.

Maybe this guy.

Tiramisu is a very grown-up dessert, I think.

I think I only came around to Tiramasu in the last few years.

Really?

Yeah.

I think about to say the last few years of my life, but that sounds like I'm going to die.

Yeah.

But no, in the last few years, I think I've got on board of Tiramasu.

Is it because you didn't know what it you don't you don't understand it when you're younger.

It's too much.

You're just going to get ice cream or something.

Yeah.

And the coffee.

The coffee element is just a bit, it's quite grown up, but it's quite a complex.

Is there booze in it as well?

I think there's booze in it, right?

Yeah.

It's a very grown up booze.

The lady fingers are soaked in brandy, rum?

I don't know.

That sounds about right.

I think that's the other thing I enjoy about it is that you can make it all different kinds of ways.

Sometimes it's very soft and all the layers are just, and then sometimes you're like, uh, it's, it's hardened up.

Yeah.

Firmer.

Firmer, thank you.

That's a better word.

Yeah, yeah.

I like it when it's more homemade, a little bit of deep dish tiramisu.

Who do you want to make?

And it's sort sort of sloppy.

Who do you want to make it for you?

An Italian grandmother.

Your Italian grandmother?

Yeah.

Your nana?

Or my hot, my nana, my hot Italian nephew.

Pardon me?

Huh?

An Italian nephew.

Well, that's not the full thing you said.

You just chased it.

He's hot.

That doesn't mean I'm going to get with him.

It means he's an attractive man who can make a good tiramisu.

Yeah.

He's pretty hot.

Is he?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's subservient to me.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, we're related, but that doesn't mean I can't order him around.

I'd say that he's hot.

How old is he?

He's 19.

Okay.

He's going to feed me, Tiramisu.

A hot teenage boy that you're related to.

Turns out he'll feed you.

You were Guru Dave all along.

Yeah.

It turns out.

This is exactly what Guru Dave would do.

Guru Dave is disgusting.

Guru Dave.

Turmisu made by your grandmother and then fed to you by

your nephew who is a teenager and you've already said it's hot.

Yep.

Yep.

Okay.

I'm just going to sit with that.

Yeah, yeah.

Now that it came out of my mouth, I can't take it back.

Yeah, I guess you cut to me too.

We all know now.

I mean, this isn't.

Maybe I was thinking a nephew, someone's nephew.

Would you like us to release this episode after like all the legal stuff in your life is done?

Yeah, probably.

This can't be used against you and probably a good idea.

So I don't want this to be played.

Yeah, it's kind of a problem.

Listen to this.

She's representing her.

She's got the hots for her nephew.

Yeah.

I don't think this is going to really do you any favours.

How about just a nephew?

Someone's nephew.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, not your nephew.

No.

Someone's nephew.

I mean, come on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you'll say, oh, come on.

Yeah.

Okay.

He's someone's nephew, but he'll be mine.

You know what I mean?

I'll keep him close.

And he does things for me because he doesn't know any better.

He doesn't know about the world.

So he's just in the kitchen making Jeremy's.

Oh, he's making it.

Perpetually.

He's making it.

Yeah, no, he's always been making it.

So the non-asmo.

He's a nephew.

I don't even know him.

But he is yours.

Yeah, he's in a shop in Italy.

He's in a shop.

He's like in a bakery.

Right, okay.

Making one's hot nephew in a bakery in Italy.

That's better.

Not related to you.

This is good.

This is a nice scene.

And it's got like an industrial-sized mixture to get that cream really whipped up.

He's got a white apron on.

Yeah.

Okay.

But, and be honest.

It's a little hazy sunlight coming in the windows.

You know what I mean?

It's late in the day.

And I'm like, oh, you're making Tiramisu this late in the day.

And he's like, I never stop.

Yep.

I just.

Extremely

very industrious.

He just loves making desserts.

He does.

Yeah, that's it.

In the hazy sunlight.

And even though you said that he's not related to you, he's not your nephew.

No, come on, you guys.

Be honest, while you're imagining him in your head, are you just imagining the face of your actual nephew?

My nephews are very handsome,

but no, I mean, come on, let's not.

I don't know why you're trying to get me arrested.

No, God, no.

I don't know why you know you brought up, it had to be her.

You guys, this

podcast influences people.

We cannot promote

incest.

Thank you.

That's the the word.

Yeah.

That's the word.

That's the word.

We're not promoting that.

It's not funny.

No.

It's not

good.

No.

You know what?

There is good and bad in the world, and that's not good.

Benito, can you Google Italian for incest, please?

Because I bet it sounds nice.

He's Googled it, and all that's come up is your website.

How dare you?

That's a bit weird.

How dare you?

I don't know why that's come up.

Adamija, your order back now.

Okay.

Kids, sparkling water.

You want the bread basket from Atlanta with some parmesan crisps in it and olive oil and balsamic on the side.

Starter, this seems like a long time ago.

Beets and goats cheese with candied walnut that you were quite angry about being bullied into at the time.

Main spaghetti bolognese that you're gonna eat about a quarter or a third of.

Drink a dirty martini, which you would never usually drink from Mercer and Franks.

Side dish of skinny crispy fries that you're splitting with a lady that you've had a fight in the bathroom with.

A dessert, a turamasu made by your hot Italian network.

Wow, that's great.

That's a good menu.

I also forgot to mention that you're, yeah, during the Spagbowl course, the Spielberg Lines course, you are a male guru.

Oh, yeah.

Who thinks women are subservient?

But also, Mrs.

Marvelous Mrs.

Maisle.

You're Mrs.

Maisel.

Dressed as her.

Well, yeah, when the drinks happen is when I see the crossover to Mrs.

Maisel.

And smoking.

And then you're smoking throughout as well.

We're bringing you a pack of cigarettes as well.

How do you feel about that?

I feel great, except for the my nephew part.

Yeah.

That's the only part I don't feel great.

The rest of it, I feel like.

I'm going to follow you around for a while.

Yeah, well, you know, you've got to have something to regret.

Yeah.

Might as well regret making your natural

person who's making you two and a suit in the morning light.

I just want someone to do stuff for me.

I think that's what it comes down to.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

It's just doing stuff for you.

Don't make it nasty.

I'm not making it nasty.

Don't make it criminals.

Come on.

Why are you making it nasty?

Sorry.

Get your wet socks off.

Let's get your pot.

Have your socks dried?

That'd be a nice answer for the bottom.

No, I'm not falling for these tricks.

Take your socks off.

Take your shots.

Are those your California socks?

By the way, they have a sunset on them.

Yeah, they are, actually.

They say California.

This is adorable.

He tried to get his socks done in time to wear his.

I got them at the airport.

They're emergency socks.

Oh, boy.

California socks.

No, they're wet.

They say California.

california they got palm trees on them and sunset

mary lynn thank you very much for coming into the dream restaurant thank you take care

well there we there we have mary lynn rice cub that was weird

it was fun it was a lot of fun It was a lot of fun.

I enjoyed it.

She didn't say a secret ingredient, which was maple syrup.

We should have made the secret ingredient incest.

Yep.

Kicked out at the last minute.

Kicked out at the last minute.

I mean, I thought it went without saying that was like kind of a secret ingredient every single episode.

Well, so did I, mate, but apparently I...

I didn't say it.

But

there you go.

You know?

Check out Maryland Rice Cup on social media, et cetera.

Go watch all the stuff she's in.

She is very prolific, very funny, and very good.

But thank you very much for coming in, Merrilyn Rice Cup.

That was, I don't even remember the menu, to be honest i don't remember the menu i remember emotions only that's all i remember how i felt throughout and it was confused yeah uh and delighted in equal measure i think buttholes were the starter but oh that was not nice i forgot i forgot about that

So Mary Lynn Rice Cub, thank you.

If you like our stuff, keep hitting up the off menu social media at off menu official on Instagram and Twitter and offmenupodcast.co.uk on the internet.

It sounds like that message was just for Mary Lynn Rice Cub, the way you said it there.

Mary Invice Club, thank you.

If you like our stuff, you can

thank you, Maryland.

It is broadly for her and for anyone else who's listening.

But thank you very much for listening.

We'll see you again sometime soon.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the Off Menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full full episodes.

But it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Off Menu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, battering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok at Off Menu Podcast on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.