Ep 93: Jessica Fostekew

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

Welcome to the off-menu podcast.

We are the worm at the bottom of the tequila that is the internet.

My name's Ed Gamble.

My name is James A.

Acaster, a drunk little worm.

James is a drunk little worm.

If anyone had to ask me to describe James, I would say he's a sort of a drunk little worm guy.

Drunk little tequila worm.

Wonder what that's like.

Is the worm alive?

I don't know.

I guess not.

I'm assuming the worm's not alive because it's at the bottom of a bottle of tequila.

I don't know if it's a little pond worm can survive.

Although we'll probably get some messages.

I think the worm is found in Mescal traditionally rather than tequila.

Oh, really?

Well, I've never even seen a bottle with with the worm in i think it's mascal yeah do you remember terravision i do remember terravision uh of course uh novel novelty band by virtue of their only hit being the song tequila but apart from that quite well thought of within the sort of kerrang crowd yes

their album was it how to make friends and influence people or whatever it was called they uh That did really well and people were like, oh, what a great band.

And then later on, they had a hit with

Tequila.

Wasn't it a remix of it?

Yeah, probably.

It was always remixes that did well back in the day.

Anyway, I mean, we are in danger of sort of straying onto your other podcast territory.

I'd imagine you talk about Terravision.

I don't really listen to it.

I'll be bringing it up at some point on that podcast.

This, of course, is the off-menu podcast where we talk about food.

More specifically, we have a special guest and we ask them, James, their favorite ever start and main course dessert, side dish, and drink.

And this week's guest is Jessic Fostercue.

We'll go with Jessica Fostercue.

Yes, brilliant, brilliant comedian, brilliant podcast host as well.

She's got also a food podcast called Hoovering.

Called Hoovering.

We've both done it.

We have.

She brought

ages ago.

She brought beetroot soup over to my house.

I think she spilt quite a lot of it, but it was very, very nice.

Fantastic.

I started out with Jess on the comedy circuit, and it's so great to see her doing so well now.

She's such a brilliant comedian.

I've always been a fan.

Thrilled to have her on the podcast.

However, even though we love her, if she mentions the secret ingredient, we will have her kicked out of the dream restaurant.

We'll have her kicked out of the dream restaurant.

We'll kick her out of the Zoom because, should say, this is a home cooking episode.

We're all in our separate homes.

Hemp seeds.

That's the secret ingredient this week.

Hemp seeds.

So help me, God.

I don't even really know what they are.

I just, I not, just get all that stuff off.

Faff.

If I can blow it off the plate, I don't want it.

Interesting.

If you can blow it off the plate, you don't want it.

I didn't know that was a rule with you.

Well, I didn't realise either until I said it, but you know what?

I'm willing to stand by that.

Yeah, like seeds, any sort of seeds?

Well, what seeds are we talking?

Poppins.

Pumpkin seeds.

No, they're quite...

Pumpkin seeds.

But I don't think I could blow pumpkin seeds off.

I don't really like pumpkin seeds, but I don't know.

You couldn't blow a pumpkin seed off your plate.

They're quite heavy, aren't they?

Depends what they're on.

How heavy do you think it is that you couldn't blow it off the plate?

How weak do you think it is?

Well, I'm sorry.

I've not used my lockdown properly.

I've not been testing what seeds I could blow away.

I reckon you could blow any seed you wanted off off a plate.

No,

not a pumpkin seed.

What seeds do you reckon you'd struggle with?

A lot of them.

I'm thinking like things that would just be immediately blown off.

Yeah.

Poppy seeds I could probably blow off my plate, but I'm not sure.

You could definitely pick them up.

That's not probably.

I'd have to puff.

They weren't.

You wouldn't have to puff.

It would waste nothing.

But what other seeds are there?

Pumpkin seeds?

Yeah.

Sunflower seeds, straight away.

No, I couldn't blow them.

You couldn't blow a sunflower seeds.

No.

But sometimes, so like sometimes like a poppy seed might be stuck on a bagel.

If it's stuck on a bagel, I couldn't blow it off off the bagel, so it's fine.

It's earned its place.

Right, because it's stuck on the bagel.

Because it's stuck on the bagel.

There's a reason for it to be there.

Hemp seeds are quite very like light, aren't they?

Like feathery, in my mind.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Unless I'm thinking of the wrong thing.

They're definitely lighter, I'd say, than the seeds we're talking about.

But I'm just saying.

I'm confident I could blow the hemp seeds off a plate.

Yes, but like you could with all the other seeds you've mentioned as well.

No, I couldn't blow it at some plates either.

I couldn't.

They're really heavy.

If everyone listened to this can film themselves blowing various seeds off of plates to show Ed how easy it is and tweet them to him, that'd be very much appreciated.

But I don't, if you've got a puff, it doesn't count for me.

What are you talking about?

So I'm talking about if I was eating it and just like, I just did like a quite a concentrated breath and it went off, that would be annoying to me.

But if I had to...

It's not blowing, is it?

If I had to do that.

Do you think that every time you're breathing in and out, you're blowing in and out?

Yeah, blowing air.

That's what I call it.

No, you're just breathing.

Blowing is like a proper.

That's a

right.

Well,

I don't like hemp seeds.

Me neither.

Right, well, then then we can agree on that.

Yeah, agree on that, yeah.

We can agree on that one, we can agree that we don't like it because we could blow it off the plate.

No, that's not what I said, that's not my reason, but that's that's not the hemp seeds as a secret ingredient.

If she says them, she's out of here, and I hope that doesn't happen because I'm a fan.

Well, fingers crossed.

Oh, is that Jess at the door?

Well, it must be.

This is the off-menu menu of Jessica Fostercue.

Jess FosterQ, welcome to the Dream Restaurant.

Hey, thanks for having me.

It took us a while to get up and running for this one, but now we're here and it's worth it.

There were some issues getting into the Dream Restaurant.

The genie forgot the key.

But now, here we are, ready to go, ready to take your order.

Yeah.

Welcome, Jess FosterQ, to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Now, Jess,

it's obviously a long time coming that

you should have been on this podcast a a while ago.

You're an OG food podcaster.

You're putting food podcasts out in the world.

This is the official food podcast crossover.

Yes.

Right?

This is what the people have been asking for.

We put our beefs to one side, no pun intended, and we've got you on the pod.

That's why you haven't been on.

There's just too much beef.

There's so much beef.

Although...

We have both been on your podcast, to be fair.

So I think

you didn't know about the beef.

No, I didn't.

Recognise this scarf, Jess?

Oh, you still got my scarf?

Still got Jess's scarf when she came over to my flat to

record her podcast.

And let me tell you, Jess, I don't live in that flat anymore.

I've moved house and I've still got your scarf.

Oh,

you're so lovely for keeping it.

Either very conscientious or very weird.

It is a nice scarf.

You're very kind for keeping hold of it.

It's going to be one of those things where every time we meet for the rest of our lives, you'll go, oh, didn't bring that scarf again.

You're going to come and visit me in an old people's home towards the end of my life, and your scarf is going to be a shawl over my horrible knees.

I'm going to have horrible knees when I'm old, I think.

Do you think?

Yeah, they've been pretty bad during lockdown.

Whatever workout I was originally doing really messed my knees up, and now my knees are hurt all the time.

I've got to do yoga to make them not hurt, but during yoga, they hurt.

And I'm thinking, actually, I'm probably making it worse.

So when you say horrible knees, you mean painful knees rather than horrible to look at, which is, I think, what Ed was going for.

By you don't have to shroud them in a shawl, they just have to medicate them with that pain relief.

Yeah, I think the fact they feel bad now means they'll look bad when I'm older.

Yeah, do you think?

Yeah, they'll look horrible.

Maybe they'll just still look really young when you're older, and then they'll just be powder inside.

Imagine that.

What, like a little stress ball?

Yeah,

a couple of little stress balls.

Yeah, yeah.

That'd be good if your knees were like stress balls and you could just really give them a good old squeeze.

That'd be lovely.

Yeah.

Now, Jess,

your poster for your last show was you weightlifting.

So I'd imagine you've got real strong knees, right?

I've got really muscly knees.

Yeah, really hench knees, actually.

I don't know how much you guys can lift in terms of knee ups, but many hundred kilograms I can knee up.

Yeah.

Normally at this point, we'd ask if our guest was the foodie or they're into food but we know you are already so we've just gone straight for knee chat which is the next thing down on the list yeah absolutely always we rarely get onto it actually on this podcast

normally we ask them about food and the knee chat's there is an emergency one ever broken the glass so early

so

genie do you genie uh

knee g me oh g me

oh

come on you know what you're firing on all cylinders that me Me and Jess, I mean, I can speak for myself.

I'm exhausted after all the technical difficulties.

I'm not even in, I'm not in the room mentally right now.

Yeah.

But you.

Mate, I'll tell you what's happened.

I got up really early because I couldn't sleep because it is a thousand degrees.

Yes.

I had a coffee,

did a little workout, had another coffee, and then I've poured myself a giant glass of cold brew, which I made last night.

So

I am firing on all cylinders, but

I've got about, there's about a 10-minute window before I crash.

Yeah.

and what is cold brew yeah is it just cold coffee black coffee has it got sugar it is cold coffee but I always used to try and make cold brew by making a hot coffee and then dumping loads of ice in that's not how you should do it I've now I've since bought a jug because it should be brewed cold hence cold brew rather than brewed hot so I've got a jug and you just put like ground coffee in fill it up with cold water and then I put it in the fridge for like 12 hours so it's like coffee but actually made cold and it is absolutely delicious do you mix it with anything so the best ones i've had are ones that have a bit of a fruity quality to them as well no sir i'm not putting any fruit in my cold brew i think you can put like some citrus fruit in or something it's just black coffee so that's what i drink oh like i suppose i was about to think that sounds repulsive and say it out loud which i've done now but i um

but then i remembered iced tea that's lush with all different bits of fruit in it isn't it so yeah i need to shut up and open my mind shut my mouth open my mind

that's we're going to be telling you that throughout the throughout the podcast shut your mouth open

it's a good motto for life isn't it twitter should be told that

that coffee's really dipping off now so should we at least get water and starter under our belt before i have to have a nap sure yeah yeah um don't steal the sparks of water jess because this is like a dream meal right like a dream of dreams

um i'm gonna bin off ethics completely.

Because that's the dream.

That's the dream, of course.

Yeah.

Is to bin off ethics.

Go full Hannibal.

Well, the dream is that the dream ultimately is that, yeah, is that eating has no consequence.

So, yeah.

So, so sparkling, because normally, I mean, I drink sparkling water, but

I just assume if you have it in a restaurant, maybe.

Oh, it's more likely to come in a glass bowl.

Basically, I don't buy it in day-to-day life because it's just loads of plastic bottles

and I haven't got a soda stream or another fizzy making thing.

But I love fizzy water the most of all the waters, but it's one of those things I feel like I have to earn or it feels like a treat, and that's ridiculous because it's just the same water but aerated, isn't it?

Yeah, I'm friends with this really amazing Scottish author called Rose Rouen, and she

calls it jaggy water.

I love that because in Scots,

a jag, jag is anything like spiky or prickly.

So it makes it seem like the water's starting on your mouth.

Yeah, yeah, jaggy water, yeah.

Really aggressive water.

But that's right, isn't it?

When you have a sip of sparkling water and the water's going, like, come on, mate.

Yeah.

What are you looking at?

It feels like the difference between still water's like brushing your teeth in the olden days and jaggy water is like when you get your first electric toothbrush and your teeth are like, ooh, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, yeah.

Yeah.

It really is.

It really is a party in the mouth.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It brushes your teeth.

I've said it a million times before.

And finally, a guest has agreed with me.

I don't think Jess is agreeing with you that sparkling water is a replacement for an electric toothbrush.

We'll see about that.

Jess, get this.

Recently, I met a 33-year-old who'd never heard of a soda stream, didn't know what one was.

Oh, really?

Yeah, no concept of it.

And when I say I met a 33-year-old,

it's my girlfriend I've been going out with for over a year.

But when you found out she didn't know what a soda stream was, you felt like you'd only truly met her for the first time, right?

Yeah.

I was like, who is this?

And she is from Manchester, and she said, oh, it must just be a southern thing, soda streams.

No.

No, because I have a 33-year-old girlfriend who's Scottish and she owns a soda stream.

All right, so you've got an exact comparison.

Yeah.

You have a 33-year-old girlfriend who owns a soda stream.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, well, there we go.

That's it.

I mean, absolutely in your girlfriend's face, James.

To be fair, that could not have come at a better time.

That bit of information.

I literally stopped there to picture myself winning an argument after this.

That's a lovely feeling.

Hello.

Just, have you got a map on you?

Maybe get that out.

Just wondering where Scotland was before we have a little chat.

I think that's very good.

Also, Jaggy, the only time I've heard Jaggy before is the band Biffy Clyro did a song called There's No Such Thing as a Jaggy Snake.

No.

They are from Scotland.

And I thought they'd made the word Jaggy up, but now.

Well, hang on, what do they mean by that?

A bumpy snake or a spiky snake.

A bubbly snake?

Bunky, bumpy.

Bunky, that's not a word.

A fizzy snake.

But I mean, there is such thing as a fizzy snake.

We all know there are.

They're delicious.

Absolutely.

I love them.

Oh, yeah.

I've just remembered what you mean.

Yes, indeed.

Did you like fizzy sweets when you were a kid?

Yeah, I preferred and still do.

I'm not that into sweets.

Sorry.

But I prefer

warning signs.

The sour, fizzy ones.

If it's sour and fizzy, I'm all over it.

Okay.

How sour are we talking, though?

Toxic waste?

No, I mean, tang fastic.

I've never had a sweet that was too sour for me.

But I don't feel like I've been truly challenged.

Sure.

I've not gone to anywhere specialist places and gone, give me a sourst sweet, dicks.

I mean, I don't know why you're being so jaggy in the sweet shop.

Yeah, you're being barely jaggy in the sweet shop after your jagtastics.

I don't like tang fastics.

What?

Yeah, I know.

I think it's because once I was in a train that derailed, and to try and cheer the passengers up, they handed out tang fastics.

And now I

think I associate it with trauma.

I would say that's the last thing I'd want if I'd been through a traumatic experience would be to eat a very sour sweet.

Yeah.

I'd want something smooth and comforting, right?

Yeah, 100%.

But also, I was at the back of the carriage.

I was watching the tang fastics make their way to me.

So you know that I'm lucky if I get cola bottles here.

Do you know what I mean?

Everyone else is going to take all the good ones, the dinosaurs and stuff.

Well, so I'm not sure something smooth and comforting is that practical if you're in a traumatic like if there's been a terrible train accident, how are they going to manage to come around and give everyone a small pot of macaroni cheese?

Yes.

It's more prep, isn't it, to be fair?

More prepared bag of tang fastics.

What would be your ideal sweet after a train accident?

I think minstrels would be a bag of minstrels would be a bit more comforting than a tang fast.

You know what?

I thought it was a stupid question, and your answer has just justified the question

because it's the correct answer, I think.

A bag of minstrels, not revels, because you want predictability, don't you?

If you handed out a bag of revels after a train accident, yeah, yeah, first I've been in a train accident and now I've got a coffee one.

Yeah, yeah, that's that's that's

I think you have both named the best and the worst sweets that could be handed out.

Minstrels, number one, best one.

Revels, the worst after any sort of traumatic event.

Except if I was on the train, because I'm the only person in the world who loves coffee revels and would have everybody's.

I would forego my bag of revels just to go around and have everyone's coffee one for them.

Wow.

Now.

Does that make me like a hero?

Yeah, actually.

I've never met anyone who likes the coffee revels.

I don't mind them.

It's a bit of a sort of stereotype, isn't it?

That the coffee revels are the worst ones.

Yeah.

I don't mind them, but I'm I'm certainly, if I'm popping a revel in my mouth, I'm disappointed if it's the coffee.

Because really, I'm looking for an orange.

I'm looking for a multi-I love an orange.

I don't like the orange one.

I like chocolate orange, but I find the revels chocolate orange too powdery.

Like my knees.

But that's why I like them.

I bite down into the orange one and I go, oh, it's like my friend James's knees.

Reminds you of your pal.

Yeah.

Jess, before we move on, just quickly rank all the revels in order from worst to best.

Okay, raisin, worst.

Okay, yeah.

Is there a nut one?

Is there a nut one?

It feels like there should be a peanut one, but then I don't think there is.

I don't think there is.

And then I'll go orange.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

And then I'd go Malteser.

Yeah.

And then I'd go sort of like a

shellless minstrel.

Yeah.

Solid chocolate.

Yeah.

Like

the slug to a snail.

Yeah.

That's what the minstrel would be.

And then

top of the tree coffee.

Sorry if i've missed one i'm now obviously on the revels wikipedia page great originally revels had orange creme coconut

toffee or toffee or peanut centers along with galaxy counters minstrels minus exterior shell uh and maltizers yeah uh the coconut centers were later replaced with coffee creme and the peanuts were replaced with raisins Original Revels flavors also included Turkish Delight, which was withdrawn after five years.

And in 2008, they had a Big Brother style eviction campaign where one flavor from the bag would be replaced by a special limited edition flavor oh is it too early to say this is our best episode

i think toffee i forgot toffee toffee's still in it that half toffee toffee's still in there which is my favourite actually ah okay is it no

i put it above

for me just under malteser actually

yeah lower half of the um yeah

it's lower half the league yeah it's it's in the relegation zone but not surviving.

Is there any that we'd all agree is top half?

No, because I'd go, I think I'd go raisin top.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the?

The thing is, I love a chocolate raisin.

I love a chocolate raisin.

I love a yoghurt raisin.

I love anything within the genre of covered raisins.

Coffee isn't too bad.

It's not bottom.

But I think toffee might be bottom for me because it's too chewy.

What the hell?

It's too chewy.

Sorry, grandpa.

Also, coffee was briefly replaced by strawberry.

Oh, fuck off.

Yeah, I agree.

I hate strawberry-flavoured things, but not flavoured things.

If unless it's a strawberry or a banana, don't take its flavour and put it somewhere else.

I agree.

I find chocolate-covered raisins, and even more so, yogurt-covered raisins, to be a great idea.

Perfectly executed.

When I see them, I'm like, I can't wait for this.

I'm going to eat all these chocolate raisins.

I feel sick so quickly, even more so with yogurt covered raisins.

Like, they make me feel sick head.

Oh, really?

Yeah, like, like, not like disgusted by them, like, actually, just physically, like, I'm gonna puke.

Yeah, you have a, and you have such a capacity for sweet things.

Yeah, I know.

I think it's just that it's a sweet thing covered by another sweet thing.

Like, it kind of worked like a Maltezer is that as biscuity, it's not that sweet.

Like, I don't know, it's double sweet.

Also, there's so many foods where it's really nice when it gets a bit stuck in your teeth, like, that's the point of it.

But with a covered, chocolate-covered raisin, I find that very annoying.

I don't want it to still be there when I've finished it.

This seems like a real witch hunt.

Pop-a-dumbs or bread!

Pop-a-dumbs or bread, Jess.

I listened to your episode with very funny and amazing Louis Theroux, but the one bit that made me go, hang on, do you want to fight?

It's when he

said, How would it, why would anybody have bread?

Because you'd be so full up.

And I thought, yeah, yeah, you might.

But I am going to say poppadums.

But

I think it's

so only when you go to like a nice restaurant that anyone would give me some bread before you didn't.

I think that's just such a sign that you're having a really

exciting time out on the bat.

But I'm going to go pop a dumbs over bread because purely for the love of dips.

For the love of the dips.

The poppa dum itself is

kind of an okay thing, but it it's really just a shelf for exciting things.

Also, I I have a I really like getting way too many pop-a-doms if you're ever getting a takeaway

because I secretly like them all bendy the next day.

Oh,

if I'm gonna have them crispy, I want them loaded up with like a really fit lime pickles and really mustardy pickles and stuff, all the tangy ones and hot ones.

But if it's gonna be on its own, and then I do love it on its own, it's got that little bit of a bend in it the next day.

Oh,

Personally, I'm not a fan of the bend the next day.

In fact, I would say I desperately try and finish all the ones that,

you know, on the night because I'm like, oh no, otherwise, these are a write-off tomorrow.

So it's very interesting to meet someone who prefers, I don't think I've ever met anyone who prefers the stale bendy pop-a-doms the next morning.

Yeah, but she also likes the coffee revels, mate.

So you've got to think that through.

It's quite an intriguing palette.

Jess is a maverick when it comes to taste.

Yeah.

Do you want us?

So at the dream restaurant, would you like some fresh ones with the dips and then we'll every so often in the pile there'll just be a bendy one and you never know when it's coming

i never even thought that that might be an option imagine if that could ever happen in real life

we're gonna have actual dreams about this dream real because of that

oh yeah

how bendy do you want it do you want it bendy enough that we could feasibly make a wrap out of all the dips yes exactly

no that's exactly what i want i want some i i want i like the idea that you can, like, you can basically fold it up.

Oh,

yeah.

It's like a big floppy dog's ear.

Not hairy, making it some hairy.

Golden Labradon.

We've ruined it.

Yeah.

Oh, God, yes, please.

Poppadoms with all the dips.

It's rare we get a

unique choice for this course, because obviously it's, you know, it's poppadoms or breads, very binary choice.

And somehow we've got

floppy, floppy pops, floppy poppies.

We've got floppadoms.

gums.

Come on.

That sounds rude.

Locker dumbs.

Right, well, we'll absolutely get you your floppadoms.

Don't worry about it.

So we come to your starter, the big leagues now.

I mean, really, it's small leagues.

Starters, you know, no one really cares about them.

They're no one's favourite.

Oh, shut up.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

You're right, Jess.

What's happened?

I'm just worried that I...

I don't know.

I didn't expect to feel like this much of a freak, but starters is my favourite course.

No, don't worry, don't feel like a freak.

You're on my side.

James is trying to rile me up.

No.

Starters are my favourite course.

Yes.

Starters are my pudding.

Starters are my pudding.

Yes.

Can we both get that as a tattoo?

Starters are my pudding.

Starters are my pudding.

I actually might do that.

I've been really courageous.

I've been waiting for 37 years to think of something I like enough to tattoo onto my body.

And Starters or My Pudding might be it.

I've got a really naughty four-year-old, and he did a brilliant thing during lockdown where, because I sort of got into a pattern of letting him have a pudding after every like lunch and dinner, just to sort of get him to eat each thing.

And then one time he

was like, I don't want this, mains.

I was like, looks like a nice pastor.

And he's like, I'm absolutely sick of this mains.

I'm just so sick of all mains.

And I was like, all right.

Well, don't worry, you know, whatever, you don't have to eat it.

And then he went, but I want the, I just want a different thing.

I want the thing up from afterwards.

And I was like, you want pudding before you've even had mains?

And he went, Not pudding.

And I was like, What then?

He went, Sweet mains.

He tried to reclassify pudding as sweet mains to see if we could just sort of survive on just pudding.

I'll tell you what, you won't take a good long look at me because this is what your son's going to end up like when you're not

absolutely in that way.

A little Acaster in training.

Sweet mains.

Sweet mains.

My kind of guy.

Is he available to appear on a podcast

As a child?

But starters.

Starters.

That's all about the starters.

I'm not very good at choosing.

I get a sort of joy, a kind of happy kind of overwhelmed in restaurants where there's more than one option, to be honest, because I like everything.

I love everything.

So I just never know what to pick.

And so if I could, can I get like a kind of a bento box, but not of

not of Asian stuff things?

Could I get like a tiny amount of different things

on the same plate or box or whatever?

So you'd like a box with the sort of little individual

sections.

Yeah, with a tray of different.

A prison tray.

Yep, like a prison tray, please.

Yeah.

We can still call it a benzo.

Actually, because it's the off-menu podcast, we should call it the Bonito box.

Yes.

Yes, the Bonito box.

Yes.

Isn't that the name of like a kind of burrito chain?

Bonito's hat?

Bonito's hat.

Is the name of the burrito chain?

I've heard they're good.

Never been in myself because it reminds me too much of

producer yeah

so um in ones in one there'd only be three sections to the prison tray um in one section i want some like

so fresh calamari that's like

hours hours away from having been in the sea because that like i had it in greece once and I watched the ship cut like a ship this tiny little boat come in and the squids come off it and they like smack them to death on the side of the stone quay which was wow you really have you have thrown ethics right out the window straight away

i was going to do that well you did warn us but i in my defense when you said i'm going to abandon all ethics i didn't think the word smack to death was going to come up later on

i thought you meant you're just going to have some meat have you know

have something out of a plastic bottle you're not going to watch your food be dashed against a rock yeah i want that i want to watch put into your prison tray which now we know why you've been locked up as well

squid murder smacked it up joyful psychotic squid murder yeah i want to watch the squid get thrashed to death by a fisherman a greek fisherman yeah perfect

and then um yeah it's i've just never tasted anything like i really like calamari even if it's rubbish like i'm not a snob about it but when it's good and it kind of like just just like goes and vanishes in your mouth as soon as it hits your mouth.

Oh god.

Want that.

In one section.

And then in another section, I want an oyster, but I want one like a big Scottish one that's so snazzy that it tastes of all the scary and exciting things that oysters taste of, but also a bit creamy.

And I want like Tabasco on that and loads of lemon on all these things.

First time I've ever heard snazzi used to describe shellfish.

I liked it a lot.

I'll be using it in future.

Yay!

And actually, I've just got into having like a little bit of vinaigrette, that vinaigrette thing that they give you to eat an oyster.

That's good.

And now I'm going to to go for the least ethical, I think potentially less ethical than watching a squid die before you eat it in a failed way.

Are you killing the fisherman as well?

No.

My mind's going crazy here.

What do you want to watch happen to the next animal?

I don't want to watch anything happen, but I want

octopus because I think it's so delicious.

But I think it is the least ethical because

they're so clever, aren't they?

Yeah.

They can plan ahead and they haven't found any other animals that can plan ahead.

Well, they can't plan that far ahead if they're getting eaten by you.

Sure.

Yeah.

That's not what they're doing.

They're cleverer than us, but they're definitely cleverer than some people.

How far ahead can an octopus plan, Jess?

I

don't know in terms of time, but I know it can find an object discarded, for example, by a human and hide it and come back to it and use it for something later, like a coconut shell or whatever.

I have to watch a lot of Andy's aquatic adventures on BBC BBs or whatever it's called.

Yes.

Is this with sweet manes?

Yeah.

Sweet manes is talk down thanks to sweet manes.

I know quite sort of a weird amount about animals and dinosaurs now.

Sure.

And

octopuses are basically utterly incredible and we really shouldn't eat them, but they're really nice, barbecued with loads of chili and garlic.

Yeah, they are.

They are double.

Also they look like something.

They look like it looks like they're so clever.

They've designed their own tentacles to look repulsive to a human.

But then, any as soon as you've overridden it and shut your eyes and eaten a bit for once, you're then like, oh, you've ruined it.

That mask of disgusting lookingness doesn't work on me anymore.

Why is it?

Why do you think it's less ethical?

Because the octopus is intelligent.

Isn't that like saying it's probably more okay to kill a thick bloke?

Yeah, I think that's exactly what I'm saying, actually.

Yeah,

that's how that's how things should work in cool.

Yeah.

What was the IQ of the the victim?

Well, lucky for you.

I think that's a good lineup of things.

Yeah.

Interesting, you've gone calamari and octopus.

Yes.

There you go.

Well, you know, when you go to an amazing seafood restaurant and you get like, sometimes you just get like a sharing thing.

That's my favourite because you can try all the things.

For someone who's sort of...

challenged when it comes to choosing that's the dream isn't it also i like that everything's from the sea in the starter it makes sense do you two like things that are from the sea to eat yeah love it yeah i think absolutely love octa love octopus yes i really really like it just like char-grilled octopus fried octopus they're at dumplings legend in chinatown they do uh fried just a fried octopus with uh chili and salt oh and it is phenomenal chili garlic and salt and oh it's just it's just delicious That was the one thing on the old starters thing that I was like, what do I do here?

Do I try and make it all go together?

Because the other element of starter world

that makes my heart sing is like dumplings and dim sum and stuff like that.

So, but I was like, no, keep it, just keep it simple.

So, in an old boy, when he just eats the octopus raw and the actor, and the actor did it in real life,

was that octopus planning something at the time?

So, you go in, okay, I've got this shoot to wrap up, and once I've done that, I can go to my trailer.

And then I'm going, what the fuck?

It had its whole career, its whole film career planned out in front of it.

Gotta ring my agent after this.

This film is what?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What do you think about that act to do with that, Jess?

I always think about this.

I just think it was so unnecessary.

Because especially when you watch it on the...

When you watch it in the film, you just feel...

I don't know how much that's really added to the film for me.

I've never seen the film.

It's the only bit I remember, though.

Well, no, there's another bit I remember that's really horrible.

But it's right in the last bit.

And he didn't do it for real.

That's the thing, right?

So later later on, spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't seen Old Boy, at the end of Old Boy, he cuts his tongue off.

Oh, yeah.

But he only acts that.

Do you know what I mean?

Like he's all like, oh, no, I'm going to be proper, do this film properly.

If I'm going to eat an octopus, I've got to eat a proper live octopus.

I'm going to do it.

Yeah.

What's the final scene?

Cut your tongue off.

Okay, well, I'm not going to do that.

Yeah, little did he know, because he probably thought, oh, well, if I cut my tongue off, I'm never going to work again because I can't act any talking.

But then, little did he know, eating occipit alive as a stunt, you'll never work again anyway.

And everyone thinks you're a really nasty bastard.

Just like I'm never going to work again after on your podcast, I've said I'm happy to see a squid smash to death in front of me and then eat it.

Your main course, Jess.

Okay, so I don't never, ever eat meat, but I very, very, very rarely eat meat anymore.

So I'm going to go back to the heady days of when I did that.

There you go.

And also, I'm going to choose, it's not going to be.

Sorry, I'm laughing because I'm just like, imagine if it's like, I would like a cow shot by a Spanish man with a bazooka, please.

Yeah.

I want, yeah, a calf punched to death in front of me

by an orphan.

No, I am.

Not that bad, but I do want a steak.

So basically, I used to, I want like a really posh surf and turf

and I want the exact one that a chef called Ian Simpson made at a hotel I worked in when I was a teenager where I was on three pound fifty an hour.

I was a chambermaid and I think I worked my way up actually to three fifty was the top rate I was on.

I was a chambermaid and then I grab like made made my way up to being a wai a waitress.

And but we were never allowed to eat.

The food was so posh there and he was the head chef and and I'd get bollocked because you'd get so hungry taking this incredible food out to people and not being able to eat it, you know, knowing that you're going home to a fucking super noodle at midnight.

Like, so heartbreaking.

And like you'd take the plates back in and people would leave stuff and you'd be like, you cunts.

I'm hungry.

Like anyway, like they

take back stuff into the person washing up.

And you just sort of just quickly eat it up before you gave them the plate.

And

I got caught doing that and got the most most horrific bollocking like they could have coughed or sneezed on that and actually while I'm saying that during a pandemic it does feel like pretty disgusting but at the time I was like I don't fucking cur it was really yummy um anyway once and only once I like saved up I think I went I might have gone with a parent or boyfriend at the time and went for a meal there and it felt like a bit of a busmer's holiday and I felt a bit weird about it it's like this place that I used to work and it was only like within a year of having stopped working there or whatever I was like I just I don't know if that's a bit of a a stuffy restaurant, this old hotel.

And then I ordered this surf and turf and it blew my mind.

So I want that exact one.

Like I just didn't know.

It was just a fillet steak with like a garlic butter over it, two or three prawns in their shells, like around the edge.

That was it.

I just had no idea that prawns or steak could taste like that.

It was

life-changing.

This is probably the first posh food I'd ever had or cooked by a really good chef that I'd ever had.

Now, obviously, it does sound very nice, but do you think it was all the quality of the food?

Or do you think some of that taste was freedom?

Yeah,

there's 100% an element of freedom in there.

Feels a bit like, you know, pretty woman Julia Roberts going back to the clothing store kind of thing.

Yeah.

Yeah,

there is an element of that.

They caught you eating by the bins, but now you've ordered a serpenter.

Did you wear your chambermaid's uniform so they could people were like,

what are you doing eating at the restaurant?

You should be working.

You'd be like, not anymore.

I think it would work really well if my chambermaid's uniform was like the stereotypical chambermaid's uniform, like a sexy French maid, or something people think of.

But actually, it was like a really disgusting burgundy tabard.

So you know.

I'll be honest.

I didn't know that chambermaid was still a job.

Yeah.

Well, someone needs to clean hotels, Bedrooms.

Sure, but I didn't think the job was still called chambermaid.

Oh, didn't you?

They've probably snazzied it up a bit now and called it

housekeeper's helper.

Housekeeper's helper?

Bed changer.

Towel swapper.

Towel swapper.

A towel swapper doesn't sound like they're being employed by the hotel.

It sounds like a rogue kind of like someone on their own who's sneaking around just swapping the old towels around and you don't know, or maybe you're going to get a fungal infection because the towel swapper's been in.

this does sound good though yeah i like whoever came up with surf and turf i think was my kind of person because they've obviously gone normally you should have these things separately but i'm going to invent a dish specifically just to pile on as many different types of things that i like as possible yeah and if you come up with a nifty name you can get away with anything Yes, exactly.

There's no like a natural way that a cow should ever meet a prawn.

No.

Apart from in like on in a surf and turf or a sort of fun cartoon series.

Yes.

If a living cow meets a living prawn, then there's probably a surf and turf about to happen.

And I think that the cow would see the prawn and go, oh no.

It instantly know.

The prawn wouldn't.

Yeah.

The prawn wouldn't care.

The prawn wouldn't know anything.

The octopus would be like, I know exactly what's about to happen.

I'm out of here.

Oh no.

Quick.

Plan my exit strategy yeah the porn nice to meet you cow what's going on

you don't get a lot of cows around here why you look so scared tell me more about Ian Simpson yeah

he was my so he was the chef at this hotel it's still there it's called the Purbeck House Hotel in Swanage and he was chef for years and there was another really wicked guy called Eric who would who managed the restaurant and they were sort of like well they were mates and it was just the most fun place to work as a teenager because we just always got really drunk after work in one of the turrets or in the sneaky sneaky little fussy bar it's quite a sort of old peopley hotel but anyway it's just really lovely i've stayed friends with them when i got a bit older i did some babysitting and stuff for ian and his wife liz and then they um

moved to Charmouth up the road in Dorset which is stunning and opened their own like tiny really posh little hotel there went and stayed there once or twice, and we're still friends.

So it's a nice, happy ending to the Ian Simpson story.

But when I was first working there, I was really scared of him because he was a really shouty chef.

And they used to do pranks.

Whenever they got new young chefs, they used to do pranks on them.

They got this lad, Darren.

They'd send him down to the co-op, the one supermarket in Swanage, and

make him ask for things like

dangle berries.

Oh, my dear.

Or Darren.

Yeah, chicken nuts.

Chicken nuts.

Basically, look, 800 different very creative words for testicle.

They would have him go down to Budgeons or Co-op and ask a staff member for.

And he just did it again and again and again without realising that he was being diddled.

Oh, I'd love it if, you know, Darren did go ask for those things and the shopkeeper was like, they're having you on, mate.

all these things being testicles.

I tell you what you should do.

And then he could have just gone back to the kitchen and went, hey Ian, I got your dangled berries right here.

And then whipped him out, whipped out his own balls

onto the chopping board.

Going,

here's your sweet manes, baby.

Oh, that's ruined sweet mains forever.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I don't know.

That's what you named your son, and I don't want to ruin that for you.

Sweet means foster cue.

Yeah, the sweet mans foster cue.

That's got to be the side dish now.

Oh god, I suppose actually then I was going to have some like triple-fied chips from a really specific stall at End of the Road Festival because once they're the best chips I've ever had and I'm from the seaside where I think the second best chips I've ever had come from, which is all chippies by the seaside.

Yeah, these ones, I'd had like a really terrible gastric flu after Edinburgh.

You know like after this is how all the all the best food stores.

You know them after, well, I don't know about you two, but after Edinburgh Festival, every year, my body goes, fuck you for doing that to me for a month, adrenaline-wise.

And I just get an ailment.

Like, sometimes it's all...

I've had everything from eczema through to whatever.

My body will just fall to bits for a couple of weeks after Edinburgh.

And this year, it was just this really intense gastric flu.

And it just...

passed.

I've not been able to eat anything.

I hate an illness that stops me eating.

It's infuriating.

Because when I'm not eating, I'm very sad.

Anyway, it was the first first thing.

I'd tried to eat a few things and just puke them or whatever, or worse.

And just like, oh, and it was the first thing.

Again, probably they tasted of the freedom or the joy of being able to eat again as much as anything else.

But this store that just did these triple fried chips.

And this is a few years ago when

it was probably the first time I'd ever seen something been like fried more than once.

As if that was a good thing.

And it bloody was, actually.

But I'm not going to have those.

I've talked about them from ages, for ages.

Only say I'm not going to have them because I think I'm going to have sagaloo as my size.

Oh, because that's got potato in it as well.

I love saga paneer as well, but I think in this context, next with that steak and prawn, I want sagaloo.

I love spinach loads.

You can have a shit sagaloo but even a shit sagaloo is really good.

And when it's super good and it's like, oh, I don't know how to describe what they, I don't know how they do what they do to the spinach that makes it like nowhere near ever grainy or bitter, but like

smooth but earthy, but like a little bit spicy but more maybe peppery

oh yeah I want that is there a specific place that you get the sagaloo from it won't always be on the menu there because it's quite a fancy place that has like a mixture of things but I'm gonna say babur in broccoli um it's like a sort of very high-end Indian restaurant but it's still super reasonable and they'll do like a five course tasting menu that will always have sag something in it.

Last time I went there they didn't have sagaloo but I'm sure they'd rustle you on up.

It's the same sag that will be in their sag paneer.

And their paneer made me go, oh, I've never had paneer before like it's meant to be.

Right.

It was like all soft and I was like, what?

It's not like that kind of like brick of it that you can get in supermarkets or normally that you have to like, it's kind of almost as

much of a head fuck as tofu in terms of how am I going to make this nice?

or absorb another flavour.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

They're daunting ingredients, right?

Because it's just like getting a bit of polystyrene.

Yeah.

going, like, what the hell am I supposed to do with this?

There is a way of getting flavor into it, but oh, boy.

Some kind of magic's involved.

What did you say the place was called?

Babur.

B-A-B-U-R.

Okay, thank you.

I thought you said Bilber.

I'd absolutely love it if an Indian restaurant just called themselves Bilberr.

Welcome to Bill Burr.

Is there any connection with the comedian, Bilber?

Nope.

Oh, no.

Going back to the triple cooked chips briefly, Jess.

Why do you think they stopped at triple cooking chips?

Because I remember for a while they were double cooked chips and then someone went, I'm triple cooking them.

But then no one's ever gone

quad cooked chips.

Is that too far?

I don't think it's too far.

I think it's just harder to say.

And it just doesn't sound as good.

I think it's all

sort of hour aesthetics, isn't it?

Yeah.

Do you want a quad-cooked chip?

No, can't say it.

Don't want to hear it.

Yeah, four times good.

There's no good way of saying it.

No.

Triple cooked chips is definitely the way to go.

Sounds nice.

I am going to be honest.

Uh-oh.

I don't really understand

what makes them triple-cooked.

Because in my head, it's like they're frying them.

Yeah.

They're taking them out.

They're frying them again.

They're taking them out.

They're frying them again.

I think that's it, yeah.

But why don't you just fry them for longer?

Why don't you just keep them in there for ages?

I don't really know the science behind it.

I think some of it might be to do with the moisture as well, getting them out, drying them.

If you let the fat cool before heating it again, I think it does something that makes the outside crispier and crispier each time.

But eventually, and doesn't it sort of decay the crispy outside a bit each time as well?

So maybe that is why, maybe that's the boring real reason why you can't just do like quintuple fried chips because the decay will have outdone the extra crisping.

But those are my favourite chips are the ones right, the tiny ones right at the bottom that have almost no potato left in them.

They're just a dark brown husk.

Yeah, I love husks.

You can't ask for a bag of husks.

Oh, what's come up on the chat here?

The great Bonito.

Bonito sent us the recipe for triple cooking.

The preparation process involves the chips first being simmered and then

drained of water using a soup V

technique by freezing.

Default.

Did you know what?

Even written down, Bonito is boring.

I think, I mean, I know it's warm in your your flat, James.

But you know, when you tried to read that triple cook recipe out, it was almost nonsense.

Yeah.

Radov was 2v.

It's like a Harry Enfield character.

Yeah.

Is he?

Gold standard.

And then had the temerity to accuse Benito of being boring

when he's copy-pasted something out that we've just asked for and then you've not been bothered to read it properly.

God, Bonito's boring, isn't he?

Classic Bonito.

That's why I've never acted in anything.

This script writer is boring.

You just delivered it real bad, James.

But we're going with Sagaloo.

That's what we're going with.

Delicious.

Yeah.

Do you want...

Oh, here he goes.

I'm not going to say what I was going to say because it would involve...

I know, look, I've been in this comedy game long enough now to know that if I did the riff I was about to do it would end up

I can join the dots like an octopus I can plan ahead and I know exactly where it was going to end up and it was going to end up with me singing Sagaloo to the tune of agadoo and I'm not

I'm not I'm not I'm not about to walk down that path just yet is it something to do with just having push pineapple for dessert

Oh, I hope there's push pineapple for dessert.

Push pineapple.

That's the part of the song I say push pineapple makes less sense than the actual phrase agadoo.

Yeah, agadoo, I can understand that.

Shake a tree, fair enough.

Yeah, pushing a pineapple.

What are you playing at?

One-handed or two-handed?

How do you imagine it?

I know the dance move is two hands.

It's two hands, but it always seems too much.

I was thinking, I could push a pineapple one-handed.

Why is it always two hands?

You need two to shake the tree, I think.

You push a pineapple with one hand.

You can push a pineapple with one finger i mean it's easy but they're always two-handed pushing that pineapple but is the pineapple on the is it a pineapple tree so surely as look if you skip straight to shake the tree you're doing the same as pushing the pineapple but then why is push pineapple first you're pushing the pineapple then shaking the tree it's absolutely mental isn't it

Are you getting the pineapple out of the way?

You're rolling all the pineapples out of the way just to shake the tree and get a load more pineapples down so you know which shake each batch of pineapples came from,

which vintage of pineapple it was and we haven't even started on what agado means no that's how ridiculous push pineapple is is that i just accept agadoo out the straight out the gate agado yeah absolutely push pineapple hold on what what you've done now james is unfortunately everyone listening for the next at least 24 hours will be singing agadoo uh but also replacing it with sagaloo yeah i mean replace it with sagaloo they'll be saying push pineapple and then that'll blow their mind

ruined me ordering it ever again for the rest of my life Yeah.

Could have ordered it.

I mean, you can probably do it on a takeaway menu or deliveroo or something, but if you've ever got to order Sagaloo in Babur again.

Don't say it.

Also, now you've said deliveroo, I'm thinking, deliveroo to the tune of Agado.

Two-handed pushing a pineapple.

I'm not going to get, I'm not going to.

No.

Unless you're a little hamster.

Yeah, maybe that's what.

Maybe within the song Agado, you have to imagine that you're a hamster.

Have hamsters got hands.

Have hamsters got hands?

No, Jess, they've just got little stumps.

They're little balls of fur.

They roll around.

If they've got flippers,

hamster's got, yes.

Paws.

Paws.

They can still push a pineapple.

Fair enough, I suppose.

Could they?

Well, they push those little balls at their end, don't they?

I mean, they probably couldn't move the pineapple, actually.

Yeah, if you collowed out a pineapple, they could have a run around in one.

Yeah.

Okay.

What animal is small enough that it would have to two-handed push a pineapple, but also strong enough that it it could actually push that pineapple and get some movement?

Good question.

A cat, I think.

Cat.

A cat, a chihuahua?

Yeah, something like that.

I think some sort of marsupial,

sort of small, yeah.

A macaque.

A macaque could get some more movement.

A macaque.

Yeah, definitely a macaque.

Probably quite a long list, actually.

Depends how long we've got.

Yeah.

So Agadoo is actually through the eyes of a macaque.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Stumped-tailed macaque.

Yeah.

Ordering Sagaloo.

Ordered a Sagaloo.

It's now now pushing a pineapple.

But is that stumped-tailed macaque strong enough to shake a tree?

Definitely not.

So now that's out of the venue.

We've got to presume it's not that.

Or the cat.

Cat's not shaking a tree.

Small bear?

Yeah, actually.

I think it's got to be a small bear, hasn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, a small bear.

It's got to be a small bear.

Yeah.

A small bear, a bear cub would push a pineapple with two hands and it could also shake a tree and get some movement out of it.

Done.

Tick.

Oh, thank god for that.

What's your drink, Jess?

Oh, I find it very hard to do really like all the drinks.

I think with this feast, it's going to be, let's say, like a snazzy champagne.

A snazzy champagne.

Pulling out the snazzy champ.

As snazzy as the oyster?

Yeah.

Actually, I think that's the one thing that would go with all the things.

Don Perignon.

That's snazzy.

Don Perignon.

Yeah.

Now, are you a champagne buff?

Do you think, because I have got no idea.

I could drink a don Perignon and I think I could drink any other sort of champagne, and I don't think I'd be able to tell the difference or what the hell's going on.

I'm not a champagne buff, but I'm not completely,

I don't know nothing about it.

My dad worked for a champagne company for like 15 years.

So I used to go to tastings and stuff and pour little bits of champagne for people.

What?

Yeah, so he worked for Moet and Shundon, who are called Moet, Hennessy, Christian Duel, VO, something now.

Weirdly, we also,

it makes me sound so much posher than I am.

He was a travelling salesman, but we always had champagne in our house, but I hated champagne until I was in my 30s.

And then suddenly something slight clicked in, and I was like, oh, that's very nice.

But yeah, the nicest bottle I ever had is he got me a bottle of Dom Perignon, which is like the best Mot and Shundon, basically, from

named after the monk who invented champagne, created it.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, that's Dom.

And then he got me a bottle from Don as in short for Donald.

Dom Dom

Dom, all right, short for Dominic,

yeah, Dominic Perignon,

and he got me a bottle from the year I was born, 1983, and I drank it when my son was born, and it was like all like biscuity and almost creamy and amazing.

Wow.

Now, I mean, if anyone ever accuses me of being posh again, I'll just let them know that I always thought Dom Perignon was called Don Perignon.

If you always had champagne in your house, you know, like when teenagers go out drinking and they nick booze from their parents' drinking cabinet, did you always like just turn up with two bottles of bubbly, like an absolute legend?

No, because that was where I drew the line.

Also, I don't want to get him carried away by social services, but my dad was my dad would be the one who, because he worked in London in the week and would come back down to Dorsey when I was growing up.

He would bring me enough booze for me and my mates for every weekend from when we were so illegally young.

We'd have like all alcohols and stuff.

So So I never needed to be that kid that nicked out of their parents' booze cabinet.

But once we got older, yeah, if I'd be like, oh, girl, Sally's doing dinner for everyone or whatever, he'd be like,

take this bottle of champagne.

I'd be like, okay.

That is good.

I felt like a prick, though, rocking up at 17.

I love the thought of you as a teenager.

Just you and your mates.

See, like, don't meet, I'm going to meet the gals, go get pissed behind a skip.

He's like, draw some booze?

Yeah, I'd love some booze.

Hold on a second.

And then he gets like a bottle of champagne and holds it, like a waiter's properly hold it with his arm

behind the button.

Will this do?

Will this cut to you and your friends?

They're going, hmm, very biscuity.

Are you getting those notes?

Jemima.

Jemima.

Not Jemima.

Fosky wouldn't hang out with a Jemima.

No, not one Jemima in my life.

Can we try and guess your friends' names?

Yes, please.

My Dorset ones, yeah.

When you were growing up.

Yeah.

Well, you've already said Sally.

Yep, sorry.

I gave that one away.

So that's one.

I think you would have been friends with a Natalie.

No, Natalie bullied me.

Okay, well,

man, I could not have misfired more there.

Just amazing how quickly I've forgotten all girls' names apart from Jess and Sally.

You'll kick yourself because they're like the names that every girl was called.

Steph.

No, that's my girlfriend's name.

So you're not friends with your girlfriend?

Yes.

So competitive, it gets in with that straight away.

I guess you're not friends with your girlfriend.

I guess that's a point then for me, is it?

Rebecca, Becky.

Oh, close, but no.

Jane.

No.

Jane.

I'm not that.

Jane's the only girl's name I can think of.

Rachel.

The uni friend called that.

You can have that.

Sarah.

No.

How have we not got one yet?

Violet.

No.

Violet Beauregard.

Kathy Burke.

I wish.

Look, we did really well there.

All we had to do was guess some ladies' names, and we came up with Violet Beauregard and Kathy Burke.

You were so close.

We come to Sweet Mains.

Sweet Mains.

Thank you for giving it its proper name.

I'm hoping it's the Sweet Mains.

It is going to be a Sweet Mains.

I don't.

I'm not all.

I'm very rarely in the mood for a pudding.

Like, I think I've got like a salt tooth instead of a sweet tooth.

Yes.

Salt tooth.

Yes, I've never heard it described like that.

That's a good tattoo.

Salt tooth and then starters on my puddings.

I get starters starters and my puddings tattooed like as one of those big stomach tattoos.

And then I'd walk into a restaurant and when they asked me what I want for dessert, I just lift up my t-shirt.

Already had it.

Yeah.

And they go, Society, do you want starters or put what?

I'll give you another starter.

I'm fine.

They wouldn't know what you meant.

I'm a salt tooth.

About that, do you not understand?

But even though I'm a salt.

Even though I'm a salt tooth,

I don't want to be that guy that skips straight to cheese.

so i want something really lemony my mum makes and apparently it's my auntie penny's recipe

which will be my great auntie penny this lemon meringue thing it's like a roulard is that how you say it yeah and um it inside is like the most bright bright lemon and then outside the very outside is all crusty meringue And then there's this kind of like interim circle that's got like dots of that softer meringue and something else, but it's all soft, and it's you serve it really

cold, and the lemony bit is like

so sharp that it almost tastes fizzy like sherbet, but it's also really light, like it doesn't give you that kind of like gippy, sugared up, you know, when you've been over-sugared, like you might be from a chocolate raisin.

Um, it doesn't give you that because it's so refreshing, like it's a proper like it's like a slap around the face, but it ain't done internally.

Yes.

An internal slap.

You know, you know.

And I'd like that.

Like, like you just swallowed a Greek fisherman.

Yes.

And then for, and then, and with it, for, just to come just as I'm finishing it, can I have like a, an Amaretto coffee?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why not?

Is it an Italian coffee?

One of those, please.

Sounds delicious.

I love lemony stuff.

I think I've only come around to it in the last few years, but lemon.

Oh,

extremely lemony desserts are right up my street i worry it's maybe because it i fit i feel like i talk to lots of people who say this but and i worry if it's our aging palates like if it just takes a bit longer to like something that intense yeah maybe our mouths are dying because of age and we need something just really really exciting to fire them back up again it's a your knees our mouths

All I could taste anymore is lemons and anchovies.

Yeah, I don't think I've ever regretted getting a lemon dessert.

However, every time I look at a menu, I weirdly write off the lemon desserts in my head.

I'd skip past them as if they're not even proper desserts.

Straight to chocolate.

But then, yeah, but then when you get them, you're like, oh, no, this is absolutely the best one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I made the right choice, but not enough times to make that.

What's going on there?

Do you think it needs better PR?

Yeah,

no one's pushing lemons.

Yeah.

Shake a tree.

Maybe that's what push pineapple means.

Is this the PR It's exactly

we need to push these pineapples.

We need to pick up for pineapples.

We've got to push pineapples.

We need to push pineapple a lot harder, guys.

And

no one's buying these pineapples.

We need to push it.

Lemon posset.

My dad made a lemon posset once, which is the richest thing I've ever eaten.

Yeah.

He was like, I've made this lemon posset and I've put it in wine glasses.

And then everyone got about three bites in and went, that's enough for me.

Thank you.

And he just had to scrape it all into the bin.

Oh,

my dad and your dad would be the perfect team.

Yeah, I think so.

My dad would finish those.

Although, sorry to, I know it's your episode, Jess, but I'm just going to read out my dad's off-menu choices that my sister forced him to pick.

Oh, now, give us some context for this.

When did this happen?

This was a few days ago.

I don't think my dad's ever listened to the podcast, but my sister listened.

And her and her boyfriend tried to get my dad to pick his off-menu choices while they were on a walk.

Just going to read them out.

My dad's quite a stubborn man, by the way, so this is what they could get out of him after two hours.

Poppadoms or bread, neither.

It's too much.

Starter, gaspaccio.

Main, can't decide.

Side depends what the main is.

Drink depends what I'm eating.

Dessert, German cheesecake.

So that's what that was two hours.

Oh my god.

Get him on.

Get him on the show, guys.

Definitely.

The shortest episode yet.

I love just the stubbornness of main can't decide, side depends what my main is.

Yeah, yeah.

Drink depends what I'm eating.

Dessert, German cheesecake.

Lovely.

Well, I mean, I think that sounds like a very good menu, Jess.

And I like that you've got the Amaretto coffee shot at the end as well.

Yeah.

I had one the other day and it was the first time in years and years and years.

And I was like,

why have I not been doing this more often?

It's really nice.

Hang on, even my coffees now need a sweet mains.

It's going to be alcoholic.

Jess FosterQ, I'm going to read you back your menu now.

See how you feel about it.

See if you still feel good about these choices.

You would like sparkling water.

You would like floppadoms for your poppadoms or bread choice.

Starter, you want a bonito box, fresh calamari, straight out of the water.

Big Scottish oyster with Tabasco and all the trimmings.

A barbecue octopus as well.

Main course, Ian Simpson Surf and Turf.

Side dish, Sagaloo, Lou Lou.

From Berber in Broccoli, London.

Drink, Dom Perignon, snatty, and dessert.

You would like mums, brackets, five great auntie pennies, lemon roulard with an amaretto coffee.

Whoa, yes, please.

Yeah, that's good.

When you put it all in a row like that, I couldn't be more smug about my choices if I'm honest.

Ethics be damned.

Ethics be damned.

Sorry, ethics.

Bad luck, ethics.

That's a good menu.

Absolutely delicious.

Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant Joe.

i feel like we sorted out a lot of issues i feel like we raised a lot of issues ari agadu uh so if anyone wants to get in contact and let us know the origins of pushing the pineapple yep uh do do that but that is an absolutely delicious menu jess tell us about your food podcast very briefly because we didn't give it a proper push at this point it's called hoovering and it's about eating Yeah,

and Jess is a better host than us because quite often when you do the podcast with Jess, she will bring you food.

Yes.

Jess bought food to my flat to record the podcast probably exactly two years ago to this day.

And

I had just moved in and my flat was completely bare and we just sat in an empty room and sat on the floor in the bircher, didn't we?

Yes, and it was exactly what I needed.

Yay.

And to Ed's house, he had a white sofa and I bought some Borsch round, which is...

Yes,

the most staining food of all time.

It's one of the most stressful, yeah.

Yeah.

A lot of people have that complaint about doing podcasts with it.

It's a stressful experience.

It's very hard for us to get guests onto this, actually.

Not true.

I love this podcast.

Thank you so much for having me on it.

Well, thank you very much for coming.

Push pineapple.

Shake.

Well, there we go.

I think that was was a pretty delicious menu from Jess actually.

Scrumptious.

Real scrumptious.

Lovely to see a shout out for the surf and turf.

Yes.

And thank Jesus actually for Jess not saying hemp seeds.

Oh yes.

Thank you for not saying hemp seeds, Jess Foster Q, because Ed would not have liked that.

He would have huffed and puffed.

I would have had to get my blow-in lips ready and

blown Jess out of the restaurant as well, which I couldn't do because I can't even blow a pumpkin seed off the plate.

Apparently.

I mean, you could.

And you should try it.

I couldn't.

if it was a pile of pumpkin seeds I couldn't blow them off the plate.

Well you keep changing the rules here, but like but you could actually

tell you what even if it was a pile of pumpkin seeds.

Yeah.

With a few breaths you could get it off the plate because you wouldn't

disrupt the pile with the first blow.

It's been a long time.

It's been a long old lockdown.

I don't know if I what my blowing power's like.

You're exercising all the time.

Everyone knows it.

Yeah, but I've not been mainly working on my shoulders.

I've not been working on my blowing, my seed blowing, like I normally do.

I think you'd surprise yourself.

Okay.

Well, that's something to do anyway.

When we can finally meet up, me and James will get together and we'll,

that'll be our next live stream, actually.

We'll live stream some seed blowing.

Yeah, we've got a load of different seeds.

Try and blow each seed and see how far we can get it.

12 quid a ticket.

Thank you very much, Jess, for coming into the dream restaurant for another home cooking episode.

Great menu.

Do go and listen to Jess's podcast, Hoovering.

It is a very good food podcast, which I think predates ours.

And they've had a lot of wonderful guests on in the past.

Everyone you can think of, everyone you'd like to hear, really.

Jess has also got a stand-up special available, James.

On next up, it's called Silence of the Nans.

Go and watch that.

It's excellent.

So funny.

Just get as much Jess Fostercue in your life as you can.

Do it.

I highly recommend it.

But for now, let's say goodbye.

It's time to shut the doors of the dream restaurant once more, and we will see you again sometime soon.

Google down the shutters.

We'll see you again sometime soon.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Hello, I'm Lou Sanders, and if you've enjoyed this podcast, you might like my podcast, Cuddle Club.

It's about cuddling, yes.

But really, it's just a way into relationships and asking cheeky questions like who was your mum's favorite and when were you lost unfaithful.

Previous guests include Alan Davies, Ashley B, Catherine Myan, Rich Dosman, Ed Gamble, Nish Kumar, and other legends.

Get it on A Cast, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your all podcasts.

And remember to CC everybody in.

If CC stands for cuddle club

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