Ep 94: Todd Barry

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Hello, Ed.

Hello, James.

Ed, I've got some good news for you, man.

I know you're a big fan of my comedy, and you always say that I'm your favorite comedian.

And I've got some good news for you.

I'm a comedian, are you?

Are you a comedian?

Well, you don't know this?

How do you not know this?

I don't know.

I didn't know.

I just thought we sat down and we chatted about food.

You are so ignorant, man.

I I can't believe you don't know what we do on this podcast.

This is absolutely abysmal stuff.

I don't even know what a podcast is.

How do you not know what a podcast is, Ed?

This is our bread and butter.

A bubba boy.

Oh, man, Bubba Booy.

Listen, man, this is important.

Okay.

In 2019, I recorded what is still my most recent stand-up show, Cold Lasagna, Hate Myself, 1999.

I filmed it live in Hackney.

I've been touring it for so long.

I'm so proud of it.

It's the most proud I've ever been of anything that I've made.

We filmed it and

you're going to say that while I'm here, huh?

You didn't even know this is a podcast.

It's the most proud of anything you've ever made.

Listen, I think it's no secret to anyone I have no respect for this podcast.

The only reason I do it is so I can promote my comedy and it's worked a treat.

Here we are, Baba Booe.

You can watch Coldazania Hate Myself 1999.

You can go to jamesacaster.com, you can go on Vimeo on demand, and then it's now available.

Coldazania Hate Myself 1999 is a two-hour long show, available for £8.

A bonus show that we filmed earlier the same year, a little bit of trivia, the same day that my bake-off

went out on TV, so I didn't watch it live.

And I didn't know while I was on stage that it was all blowing up.

But we filmed a bonus show called Make a New Tomorrow, 40-minute long show, completely different material to Cold Lazania Hate Myself 1999.

That's on those two same platforms as well for £4.

Or you can buy Colazania Hate Myself 1999 with Make a New Tomorrow for £10.

The full bundle.

Available jamesacaster.com and Vimeo on demand.

I'm so proud of it.

Bubba Bowie.

Welcome to the creamiest, sweetest podcast on the internet.

It's the coconut yogurt of the airwaves.

It's the off-menu podcast.

Hello, Ed.

I've run out of these completely now.

I can't even be bothered to think of any.

You were texting at the beginning.

Come on, come on, James.

Sorry.

Hi, it's off-menu time.

It's off-menu time, baby.

This is a food podcast where we ask our special guest, what, James?

We ask them their favourite ever start and main course dessert, side dish, and drink.

And this week's guest is Todd Barry.

And you didn't join in with Todd Barry.

Yeah, because I was enjoying watching you do it.

Oh, come on, man.

And I was just really laughing at

the energy you're giving it yeah compared to todd's sort of general energy sure i mean but i've i felt like you know i got called out for text at the start so i'm like come on give it all you got james give it all the energy and you really throw yourself into todd barry and that'll come in and harmonize with you

i was also calling myself

i was calling myself out for not coming up with a good intro to the podcast as well and i said that thing about being the coconut yogurt of the airwaves which was not good enough yeah just because you ate a coconut yogurt the other day and you're thinking you've been thinking about it

i've done a bagel flavoured intro i've done a coconut yogurt flavoured intro because it was really good the coconut yogurt you look like you really enjoyed it had cashews in it

cashews and like loads of like uh like what's it coconut that's like sliced on top of it or baked or whatever it's a place like broken coconut in new york yeah which says it's healthy food but if that's healthy whoo I'll be going there every day.

Yeah, it looked very good.

I had the poke bowl there and that was delicious.

It was.

Loads of tuna.

Little food update there.

But we must get on with the business of off-menu.

Now, here's the thing, Ed.

Even though I love Todd Barry, he's a very, very funny comedian.

He's done little acting roles as well.

You may have seen him in.

He's very funny in Flight the Concords.

He has also had a very small part in The Wrestler.

Yes.

Everyone always enjoys that cameo.

But he's one of the greatest comics.

He's such a good deadpan, a funny comedian.

However, I will,

and no ifs or buts, or none of your coconuts.

Oh, why not?

It's delicious.

I'll kick him out of the restaurant if he mentions a secret ingredient.

An ingredient that we don't like.

Sugar candy mice.

Candy mice.

Hate them.

Hate any sweet in the shape of a mouse.

They're always disgusting.

Right, yeah.

Those sugar ones?

Yeah.

Rank.

Yes.

The little white chocolate ones you get at a cinema pick and mix.

Horrible.

They don't taste of chocolate.

Yeah.

Absolutely hate them.

I don't know who's going.

I would really, if I worked in a cinema and I saw people going up to the pick and mix and I saw someone take a big scoop

white chocolate mice, I'd think, what are you doing?

What are you playing at?

What is the point of even getting the pick and mix if that's what you're spending it on?

Now, I suspect that Todd's not going to pick that, but if he does, he's out.

It's just solid, like, sugar with not much flavor to it whatsoever in the shape of a mouse, which is a bad shape for it.

Because, like, it's just too, it's, like, curved in the, in stupid place.

It's like, it's not like a nice ball of sugar or a nice rectangle, a nice solid shape it's a weird shape of just like weird oh now this bit sticks out ears and then a little pointy nose and then this big round bit for the butt and then there's like string coming out the end of its tail jelly worms now that's a good shape for a sweet oh i love a jelly worm love that the candy mice can absolutely fuck off so todd please don't say candy mice uh we're looking forward to meeting you so without further ado here is the off menu menu of todd barry

Welcome, Todd Barry, to the Dream Restaurant.

Okay.

Oh, I didn't.

Wow.

You do your own sound effects.

That's great.

Welcome, Todd Barry.

This is a big get for you guys.

Huge get.

Would you like a muse bouche to start?

I don't even know what is an amuse bouche.

Oh, it's like a little bonus dish that you weren't expecting that you didn't.

Oh, yeah.

When they're like, bam, they.

Oh, you mean like when they said this is from the chef?

Yeah, from the chef.

You didn't choose it, you didn't want it, but the chef gives it to you anyway.

I know.

That happens when you're a little famous.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When in your career did you notice you were getting the amuse bouches?

Oh, the amuse bouches were coming at me?

I don't know.

It's just an occasional thing.

Yeah.

Especially if I write in the reservation, I'm famous.

You reserve the table for Todd Barry on.

I extend all courtesies.

I'm famous.

Did you just put when they say what's the name?

You go, it's famous Todd Barry.

Oh, I just put a picture and I go, you tell me the name.

What's the amuse bouche, James, today?

A bag of potato chips.

Oh, really?

All right.

Yeah.

How do you feel about that?

I love potato chips.

Well, there you go.

I had two bags last night of,

I think they were, they might have been from

your land.

Oh, okay.

I forgot the brand, but they were the cheesy onion and

the cheesy onion.

Walkers?

They might have been walkers.

Walkers.

I should have saved the bag had I known.

But I went to a bar with a guy who said, Here, take two bags of chips.

That's sort of an amused bouche for me.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So

it's the second day in a row that I've got the same amused bouche.

Now,

has this ever happen on your show?

It's never happened.

It's never happened before.

No, this is a first.

This is a first.

But yeah, potato chips are good.

Is it quite exotic to get a UK potato chip in New York?

They're pretty easy to find.

Yeah.

Could you tell the difference?

They're way better

thank you oh my god they're so much better you guys don't know americans don't know about potato chips they're pretty good but we have our doritos which are uh sure

it's not a contest yeah well they're very different than doritos yeah you're a doritos fan i had i don't eat them often but i do like when i'm at a party and someone's going all out and they put doritos out and i'm like oh i guess i gotta eat doritos yeah but i'm not buying a lot of doritos anymore right no i know what you mean And they come in big bags and there's too much dust on them.

And if you get through a big bag of Doritos, you're ending up with a lot of dust on your front.

On your front?

On the front.

What do you mean on the front?

On the front of your body.

Oh, okay.

Well, if you're eating Doritos, you're probably not.

I mean, I guess at a party, but normally it's usually you're on the couch.

On your back, yeah.

Yeah, with,

yeah.

You're just rolling around in the dust like a chinchilla.

Yeah, you know, coating yourself and then deep-frying yourself.

Top three Doritos flavors?

Well, wow, you guys are

straight in.

Man, you guys don't hold back.

We don't fuck around.

You don't ease into it.

You just go right into the, you go for the jugular.

Well, now I think it's gotten to a little silly with them because they used to be like Cool Ranch Nacho Cheese and then the taco flavor, which was a little not my favorite.

And then I don't even know they're like, you know, now there's like Thai Flash or Thai First or something.

They're all pretty, I mean, they all seem to have, they're all a little bit samey, but they're

it's not like a Dorito where like, oh, this is disgusting.

Yeah, that's nice.

Yeah, it's really really nice.

But do you get a lot of free Doritos now?

I do.

I mean, I do get free stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's the best free thing you've ever got from

famous?

Well, I do this thing.

It's kind of obnoxious, but I do it on Twitter called Free Stuff for Todd.

It's a hashtag where I just basically say, can you send me something?

I've gotten the couch.

I got

a really nice litter box.

I got a great vacuum.

I've gotten lots of kombucha.

You do have a cat.

We should probably mention.

Yeah, I mean, you don't have to mention, but

otherwise, everyone just had had a visual of you cupboard.

I get a free letter box, letterbox, the free toilet.

Just for spite, it's just for spiteful.

Like, yeah, you send me a free litter.

I don't even have a cat.

I got one.

I just throw it out.

Um, but I've gotten some, yeah, I've gotten some chips of some sort.

That's basically the reason we do this podcast: is to get you get a lot of free stuff, free food, yeah.

Oh, man, yes, we do.

What do you guys get?

Am I allowed to ask you questions?

Yeah, absolutely.

You can ask us questions.

We uh we get a lot of free free snacks.

My fridge is currently, sorry, refrigerator.

Oh, you know about that joke of mine?

Yeah, I know about that joke.

As soon as I said it, I fought out in massive trouble.

Wow.

That's

very flattering that you know that.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's a terrible joke of mine.

That's a great bit.

That's a great bit.

My refrigerator told us.

I don't see people say refrigerator.

I don't like veggies either, then.

No.

People say veggies.

Why don't you like fridge?

It just,

I don't know.

It's weird.

It's like I have a lot of sound issues, like misophony I have.

Are you familiar?

No.

It's when you can't listen to people eat without punching the walls and crying and rage.

So I have that.

But I also, you know, even like when people have their little phone out and they think they have to ping, like they think that's the unobtrusive sound and that one makes me like in a coffee shop.

How do you feel about them?

There's not many of these people around, but there's some of them, the people who leave the key sounds on the phone so you can hear them typing.

Oh, typing.

I was just at a coffee shop before I got here where

the owner was typing away.

Like, she must have typed like a hundred words a minute.

Yeah.

I was like, I was almost gonna move, but then I was like, I don't know, it's a weird reason to move.

Sorry, you're typing too fast.

Like, I need to do a good job.

But what was your question?

Oh, the key sound.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, it's just weird.

Like, if you're at a coffee shop, you could put it on vibrate.

You're going to notice if you get a message.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm really angry.

There's a bit in Uncut Gems, which is the whole film is like stressful.

Yeah.

And when he's he's he's hiding and he wants to surprise someone and he's texting them in the is in the closet, he's texting them and he's left the clicky clack sound on the thing.

And it's just another stressful bit of the film where you're like, just if you're going to surprise them, turn the sound off.

I'll hear you in the cupboard.

I've sometimes wanted to tell people like, hey, do you need, do you want me to help you turn that off?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the first thing you should do when you get a phone is switch those sounds up.

Turn that shit off.

My stuff's off right now, man.

I think if there's ever anyone on a bus or something that's playing music out of their phone, the best thing to do back is just to get your phone out and play music at the same volume, just play a completely different song.

I saw a guy who it reminds me of he did this prank where he would sit next to people who are at the airport on the phone and he would just be pretend he was on the other end.

So he's like, hey, Mary, what time should we meet?

Oh, we should meet at six o'clock.

He was sitting next to these people and he's responding.

It was pretty funny.

What I used to do as a teenager, Todd, and this is probably a more obnoxious prank, is sit opposite someone on the tube,

Subway.

Yeah, I know what the tube is.

Four stars in the London Times, twice, two four-star reviews.

Go ahead.

And if they were reading a book and you were with someone, you'd have a conversation with your friend and then try and get the title of the book into your conversation.

It just sort of gently confused everyone.

Oh, that's funny.

Yeah.

They'd just be just a slightly different.

That's such a weird.

Yeah, I like that.

So we always start off with still or sparkling water.

Oh, you know, I think generally I would go for a still, but sparkling's nice also.

But also, like, there's that whole thing of like, what am I paying for?

Am I paying for this?

Because there are restaurants.

I don't know how it is where you are, but there are places where we make our own sparkling water and it's complimentary.

Oh, yeah.

Not that I'm cheap, but

I'm not always going to pay for sparkling water.

But if it's on offer for free,

yeah, let me have it.

Let me have a little of both.

Yeah.

You want a bit of both?

A half and a half?

Yeah.

What one do you want on the top?

I want it layered like a real fancy drink.

We can put half and half in there.

Let's just do still water.

Let's do some still water.

Okay.

Tap or fancy bottle.

Well, you know, if I'm on a date, fancy bottle.

But if it's just me and you guys, let's go still.

Unless you have your off-menu corporate card, then let's go.

How cold do you like?

Oh, that's a great question.

I like a nice cold water, yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, that whole like, I guess when you're going on stage, I think it might be better to have room temperature water for your throat.

I don't know, but let's go cold.

Nice and cold.

Yeah, even ice.

I'll take some ice, squeeze a lime.

Put some ice in there.

Do you want crushed ice or the cubed ice?

Wow.

We go pretty deep, man.

Yeah, man.

I thought my podcast was shallow.

This is unbelievably.

No, I love this kind of shit.

It's better than talking about comedy, right?

My God.

Crushed or

ice cubed or.

I mean, there's some bars where you can get, like, they have, like, eight different types of ice cubes.

And that's a good, like, really, there's a certain type of crushing of ice that's really good.

But let's go crushed.

Yeah, we'll crush it up.

Yeah, it's kind of.

But that's another peeve of mine, people who chew ice.

Oh, my God.

I'm one of those people.

Come on, man.

Come on.

You chew fucking crushed.

I can't wait to get through the water so I can crunch on the ice.

That's the main reason I get it.

Let him have it.

You can lay into him if you want.

It would have have to happen actually happen in front of me then.

Yeah, I'm not going to do it now because we know about your issue with sounds.

Yeah, yeah.

I respect.

Thank you.

Knowing that he's that sort of person.

Yeah, it's a little weird.

You don't even seem to be like, and I'm going to try not to be that sort of person.

No, I love it.

You're owning it.

Every time I do it, I'm going to think of you.

You're defiant about your chewing advice.

Why do you love it?

I just really like it.

It's just tactile.

You know, there's something to do, innit?

Can you get that tactile sensation from the food you ordered?

Yeah, true.

But if the food's not arrived, I'm practicing my chewing before lunch goes in.

Oh, it's practice.

All right, I feel like I'm going to lose this battle.

I've got a very strong jaw because of it.

Yeah, look at his jaw.

That's all ice chewing, Todd.

That's good.

You do have a great job.

Thank you.

Pop-a-dums or bread.

Pop-a-dubs or bread, Todd.

What are pop-a-dubs or bread?

Pop-a-dubs.

What is that?

Pop-a-dubs or bread.

Is that like biscuits or bread or rolls or bread?

Pop-a-dums.

Why do I not...

Are they like popovers?

No, in an Indian restaurant?

Oh, the naan bread.

No, the big crispy things they'll bring at the beginning.

So they're like

huge

crisps.

Basically, this question is, you know, when they bring the bread before a meal, you know, there's loads of other things that you could get bought before the meal at that point.

Right.

Papa doms, for example.

Yeah.

But you.

What do you want at this stage?

I mean, it's a weird.

Because now you're putting us in an Indian restaurant.

You're making it sound like every restaurant you go to has Papa Dums.

And it's really only one type of restaurant that does that, as far as I know.

It's a very confusing format point that we've had to do.

Papa Dump.

Or what now?

Or bread.

Oh, let's go Papa Dump.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Crown bread guy?

Oh, no, I like that.

You gave me, I chose.

I didn't say no bread.

Yes, Papa Dump.

But bread is wonderful, also.

Yeah.

Nice, warm bread.

You're convincing yourself around that.

Tip it a little bit with olive oil and

balsamic vinegar.

Fuck.

My lots of curse?

Yeah.

Especially

bread.

Especially bread cursing.

Yeah, so I go Papa Dom.

Thank you.

You ever baked your own bread?

I feel like when I was a kid, I made my own pretzels once.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

You feel like you did?

That sounds like something you'd remember.

Well, I'm an old man.

Yeah.

I know I did.

You made your own pretzels?

Just off your own back?

I remember there was, I'm just trying to think if I, there was a show called Zoom.

I don't know if you had that, but you could send away for a Zoom card.

And they're like, here's how to make your own pretzels right away for a Zoom card.

You probably sent them a self-addressed envelope with stamp on it.

And I remember it took three months to get that thing sent to me.

And I imagine I made them.

I can't remember specifics.

So you remember sending off for the thing?

I remember getting it, and it's like, wow, I can't believe they remembered at this point to send this.

How many requests are they getting?

What is Zoom?

Zoom was like a kids' show.

So it's just like, we're going to zoom a zooma, zoom on, zoom.

And that's all I remember about it.

And then it was the zip code that they said, oh, Boston Mass.

I'll give you at 02134.

Yeah.

It's amazing that you remember the zip code of a kid show, but you don't remember whether you made pretzels or not.

That's just, I think that's actually not as odd as you think it's.

I think that's pretty.

Some people remember numbers better than they remember.

Especially if it's in a song.

Yeah, exactly.

If I wrote a song about the time I made pretzels,

that question would have been answered by that.

It'd be quite difficult.

I mean, the pattern of

the shape of the pretzel is quite hard to nail.

Yeah, but I think I may have made bread once at some point in my life, maybe with my mom or something.

Basically, I'm not a bread maker.

I'm not a baker.

Not a baker.

No, I don't cook almost ever.

Big pretzels or small pretzels.

Oh, man.

What would you like?

I'm the devil's in the details.

I think I...

Or crushed pretzels.

I like a bag of small pretzels.

knocking those back.

But every now and again it's nice.

Crunchy ones.

And then there's like the big soft ones with the big chunks of salt.

I think a big soft one with mustard is the ultimate pretzel.

Oh, lovely.

Yeah, you don't you've never done the mustard one?

I've never done that.

Oh my god, that's a I don't think I have.

Oh, you got to do that.

They've got salt on them, right?

I like that.

Pretzels?

Yeah, they have.

You do a food podcast and you're not sure whether pretzels have salt on them?

Hey, look, we've come from another country, Todd.

But we come from most land where they don't put salt on the pretzels.

We had to explain poppadums.

You did.

All right, we're even.

You could have pretzels at this stage instead of poppadums or bread if you'd like.

You can hack it.

I mean,

this is already a pretty heavy meal, and I haven't ordered anything yet.

So poppadums to keep it light.

Yeah, let's go pop a dumbs because pretzels, I fly a lot, so I eat plenty of pretzels.

Okay.

You'll always say yes to the pretzels on the flight?

Yeah, I mean, I try to.

I mean, I try, I guess I do, yeah.

But, I mean, like, the other day I flew and they gave me like a brownie and a piece of, and a cookie, and, like, come on, man.

I would never say, just give me a brownie and a cookie right now, but you're going to put it in my my face, and I'm like trying to do all the like, don't have it, don't have it, don't have it.

Willpower.

I don't know what chain it is, but the chain of hotels who give you a warm cookie with that.

Oh, that's Double Tree, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's, and it's a highly caloric cookie.

Yeah, and I've eaten that before I get to the room.

It's so depressing eating a cookie in the elevator like an ammonia.

Have you ever asked for a second one at the Double Tree?

I'm trying to think if I have.

I hope not.

I have.

Yeah.

Yep.

You got to stay at a lot of Double Trees, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I stayed at a Double Tree once, gave it a cookie on the way in, and then at night, I'd gone to my room, I'd got room service, I'd had a savory meal, whatever it was, and then really wanted another cookie and just did it.

I just went all the way down to the reception, it was like one in the morning.

Did you check out and then rebook in?

I should have done it.

Have you ever checked in and they forget to give you the cookie?

I've had that happen.

Oh, yeah.

You're like, isn't this the cookie hotel?

There's a reason.

There's one thing people talk about when it's Hotel Trenton.

Not how amazing it is, which it's fine, but

it's that cookie.

That cookie is, and it's so warm.

It's like 300 calories, I think, at least.

Like, I look they actually have the calorie count on it.

Yeah, I also wonder if, like, the if the employees get annoyed, we're just

cookies.

Like, eight hours a day of people gushing over stupid cookies.

Where do they keep it in reception?

Do they have like a warm drawer?

They do have like a warmer, yeah.

There's a warm drawer that they keep.

Yeah, that's cool.

Do you reckon they ever keep other stuff in there?

Oh,

guy, like, reheats a slice of pizza or something.

Yeah, it's got his socks in there, so it feels nice for the final hour of his shift.

He can put his warm socks on.

I think that could happen, yeah.

Maybe as a guest, you could say, like, you know, could you put this in the water?

That would be a funny prank, wouldn't it?

If you're into pranks, I'm not really into pranks, but that would be a funny one.

We're just like, hey, I just,

I got this croissant earlier.

I only ate half of it.

If it was warm, I would have the whole thing.

Just slam it in there and call come back in an hour.

That's a good idea.

Then just leave.

I just stole your joke and did it right back at you.

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So we come to your starter now?

Oh, God.

This is, all right.

This was really hard.

This whole thing, this whole ex this homework you gave me was really hard.

Because I fancy myself a picky eater, but then when it comes down to narrowing it down, you're like, oh, there's tons of shit I like.

Yes.

But you fancy yourself as a picky eater.

No, I mean, I don't.

No, no, I'm not like you with the ice chewing.

But

I feel like I am picky, but I'm definitely way less picky than other people are.

For whatever that means.

The pickiest person you know.

I'm not going to name names, but I know people who are like.

No, no.

You can name a name.

I don't drive.

Comedians who you know in the city?

Let's go give you a clue.

He played bass for the Beatles.

I'm good friends with Paul McCarthy.

I don't know if this is a cheat, because I honestly wouldn't ever order this as a starter.

But like Italian restaurants here, I may be all over.

They'll list pasta as like a, it's not even the main course.

It'll be like the sort of a starter.

Yes.

I know it always seems crazy to have a big pull of boss and all right, now let's eat.

Dinner time.

Just have that little bowl of pasta.

But I chose a pasta for my starter, a caccio y pepe.

Oh, yes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you've hit gold straight away.

Oh, good, good.

I'm not familiar with this.

That is the best.

The way that both of you are.

It's a pasta with just, basically just cheese and black pepper.

Right, okay.

Oh, God.

It's phenomenal.

It's, yeah.

I like simple foods, and that's just, that's.

It's all you need.

Oh, my God.

What kind of pasta is it?

It's sort of a spaghetti, I think, but I think they can make it.

Bucatini.

Maybe.

I mean, I imagine they could do it with any pasta.

It'll hold up to any pasta.

Oh, it will.

You could put that on anything.

And then I might ask for a side of chili flakes, which I don't know if that's fun.

That's fair.

Is that fair?

I think you're allowed to do that.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

It's a very bold start.

Like you say, I wouldn't start with the.

I wouldn't either, but for the sake of this show,

I didn't want to be too boring.

A bowl of pasta for me is the end of the evening.

Yeah, yeah.

And then even if it's the end, you feel like, what did I just fucking do?

There are some places that give you what seems like a small amount of pasta.

Like they'll put a big bowl in the little dump of pasta, and you're like, fuck this bullshit portion.

Then like 20 minutes after you, you're like, oh my God, that's way more than I even needed.

That's the same thing.

So pepper is there's so yeah, black pepper, and it's normally like pecorino or something.

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

I've made it, I've made it before.

It's actually quite quite easy to make, I think.

The two ingredients.

The two ingredients.

Don't forget, no.

See, you've forgotten the spaghetti.

Oh, the spaghetti, yeah.

So the

you would have screwed that up massively if you had to.

I would have.

Yeah, I would have just made the sauce.

I would have been like, oh, that's what I'm missing from this.

I forgot a crucial element to this.

But you use some of the pasta water.

Yeah, is that what that's because I wondered if there was like an oil or it's just I think you use a bit of oil maybe sometimes, but then it seems to be the just the water that you cook the pasta in to make it.

Have you had a pasta limon?

Am I allowed to bring up other pastas?

Oh, yeah, too.

All right.

While we're in that area.

Have you ever had a pasta limon?

I know not.

It's kind of exactly what it sounds like.

Yeah.

Pasta with lemon.

Oh, yes.

Another great pasta I had was at a restaurant a few blocks away from here.

It was their special, and it was a pasta with butter,

sea salt, and mint.

Oh, that's that's it.

I was because normally I don't, when they read the specials, I'm like, I don't want the specials.

They read this one.

I was like, oh, my God.

Yeah.

Let's close this menu up.

But that was phenomenal.

But pasta is so bad for you, right?

Yeah.

I mean, you can feel it.

While you're eating it, you can feel how bad it is for you.

It's so delicious.

It's so good.

It's good.

Pasta with garlic and oil.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Yeah, those simple ones where it's just like, yeah, garlic and oil one.

Oh, my God.

I had a really hot one, which was like, just like oil and chili.

Oh, that's good.

I've had that too.

That was very nice.

Where'd you have that?

Somewhere back home.

Back in the.

Have you eaten here anywhere?

That's good.

Yeah, we've had some good meals so far, but we haven't had good pasta yet.

Ah.

So any recommendations?

Well, it's actually a place just a block away that's really good.

What's it called?

It's called Lavania, L-A-V-A-G-N-A.

Am I allowed to reveal what neighborhood we're in?

Yeah, I guess it doesn't matter.

It's not going to be.

I think it's not alive.

If anyone comes down here, comedy lunatic's going to come get us.

That's on 5th and B.

That's really good.

They have a rigatoni with like turkey sausage in it.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.

Oh, it's good.

But there's a bunch of good pasta places.

I like

when you're remembering foods that you eat, like, you really get the hushed tone to your voice.

I do.

It's very good.

Yeah,

that's the DJ in me.

Is there a particular place you'd like this starter from?

Is there a place you've had the best one you've ever done?

Oh, God.

Wow.

I'm trying to think where I've.

Well, there's a good restaurant.

There's a place called Via Carota in the West Village that has a really good cacio pape.

Lovely.

Let's get it from there.

I didn't know what, I didn't know what we can order.

I thought I was at a restaurant.

I didn't know that.

Oh, no, no, no.

This is like

I'm a genie.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a fantasy, yeah.

Yeah, I can get stuff from any place, any time in your life.

Right.

Shut down Uber Eats.

Uber.

I've only used Uber Eats once.

Are you supposed to have them come up to your door?

I have a doorman.

Yeah.

I think they do.

Don't they?

Delivery we've got in.

Yeah, they're supposed to deliver it to your door.

Yeah.

Or to your doorman.

I think that's it.

Is that your first line of defense?

It's my protector.

Uber Eats is weird because you feel like it should be like an Uber, so it's almost like you should get in the car and go with them to the restaurant and pick it up.

Yeah, I still kind of figure out how it works.

Is it just a regular Uber driver who stops?

I think it is, or they have some people on bikes as well doing it.

But I usually use Seamless, which I don't know if you have that.

It's like GrubHub.

This is the one called Caviar.

Why am I plugging these delivery sets?

Unless they want to give me a code.

Free stuff a tad.

So yeah,

let's make that my starter.

Lovely, lovely.

Great choice.

I mean, so you're pretty full already?

I'm very full.

Yeah, I mean, this is, you know.

But it's dream restaurants.

This is dream restaurants who have a, let's say, have a dream appetite.

Yeah.

Your main.

Yeah.

Oh, my main.

This one might blow your mind a little bit, but at the same time, it might not.

It was a lot of choices.

You don't want to hear the ones I rejected.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I can't.

I will say they're - I just had to pick one, so I picked one.

So I'm gonna say that I don't even think, you know.

These are all on a par with each other.

Exactly.

Okay.

Should we have the reject?

Let's have the reject.

I thought of kung pao chicken.

I thought of uh like a uh

uh what else I think of it.

I mean, I guess a pizza.

Yeah, just general pizza.

A pizza with jalapenos and pepperoni.

Nice.

Although I'm trying to lay back on the meat, so let's just say jalapenos.

Okay.

And let's add some pepperoni.

Let's put the pepperoni back on that.

I just made you take off.

Yeah.

But, you know, then there's burgers are good.

I don't know if you've ever had a burger pizza.

Yeah, sure.

Remind me what.

Describe one so the listeners who haven't.

I know what it is.

There's fried chicken.

There's, oh, God.

Chicken fingers.

All-American sort of classic stuff.

But also, well, I mean,

I use my Italian.

I played the Italian card with my starter.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

Very smart of me.

Yeah.

Do you want to know what I pick as my main course?

Yes, this is going to be good.

Japanese curry.

Oh, yes.

Have you had that?

Japanese curry.

I don't think I have.

Oh, God.

You must have had like a cats and curry or something.

Oh, yes, I have, yeah.

Yes, I've had it.

Loads.

Yeah.

Yeah, delicious.

So I've been eating a lot of that lately, and it's some people don't even know about it.

I've talked to people who know about food, and I go, you have Japanese food.

And I'm like, I don't even know what you're talking about.

Like, how do I know this?

It's quite like a fruity sauce, right?

Like a thick fruit.

I wouldn't say it's fruity.

No, it's not fruity.

Not at any place I would go to.

Okay.

But I mean, there's somewhere you, I like it where you could go to a place and there's a spice level, you know, like how there's one place I go to on the Lower East Side where it's spice level one to ten.

And what do you go for?

I

go for four.

Okay.

But it's funny, I went to a place that I'd never been to a few months ago where I ordered it three, and the guy basically said no

he's not because no I was like all right I guess we're doing two and uh oh when you're right you're right he was right yeah because I was the two I was like oh my god I can't imagine what happened so the two was too much two is two is plenty of heat and it went up to ten

that I don't that may have gone up to five but the one in that I go to sometimes is yeah it goes up to ten but I go to like four or five because

you don't want to ruin the meal for yourself I mean I like to fancy myself sorry to use as someone who likes spicy food but there's such a range of spicy food.

It's not just...

I made a mistake last night by eating a raw chili that I think was just decoration on the plate.

Where'd you eat?

We were at a Thai restaurant called Whaler.

It was near where we're staying, so it was like 20 minutes walk from where we're staying.

Where are you staying, am I allowed to ask?

East Village, East Village.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

I know, that's a nice place.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a good restaurant called Vic's there that has a cachio pepe.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's on Great Jones Street.

I think I just eat catcho pepe for the rest of the time.

But they have other greats.

They also have this thing.

I I almost thought about this as my starter.

Am I allowed to backtrack?

Absolutely.

Yeah, I'm acting like there's some rigid rules to this fucking

food podcast.

What pulp fiction?

But they have like these, I forgot what they call it, they're crispy onions.

They're almost like an onion ring, but they're not the ring.

They're just like the,

I don't know what you call it, the piece of onion, but they're fried in this sauce.

Oh, my God.

Is it like a blooming onion?

I guess it is, but it's probably, I would say, an elevated blooming onion.

But it probably, I've never had a blooming onion, but now that you've.

That, I mean, that is not something that's come over to the UK.

Really?

I've only ever had it in America, and it blew my mind.

And as I was eating, I thought, this is the thing that's going to kill me one day.

Do you guys have burritos over there yet?

Yeah,

we've got burritos.

Because the last time I was in the UK, I was like, man, like a chipotle.

If they open here, the place would be a gold mine.

We've got now.

But here's the thing that's funny about that is that

I only knew about Chipotle from your stand-up.

Really?

So when we got Chipotle.

That's a coincidence.

All I could do do when I saw the chipotle was hear it in your voice in my head because

only person I'd ever heard say it in my life

was you in a stand-up special.

I mean my my stand-up skew is a little American, sorry.

Oh yeah, there's so many of your routines I didn't understand.

The container store?

Oh yeah.

Well, I mean that one you could figure out though.

Yeah.

That's pretty simple.

Yeah.

I followed that one.

Wow you're you know you're I didn't realize what a rabid fan you are.

I've got one special.

One?

Yeah.

Okay.

One down

four to go.

Yeah.

That's good that you heard Todd say Chipotle because you definitely would have called it Chipotle, wouldn't you?

I would have called it Chipotle, I would have got the next one.

Yeah, I mean, yeah.

And everyone else on there was saying Chipotle.

I was like, it's that cheap.

So did they open up in the UK?

Yeah, there's a few around London now.

So next time you're there, you can get.

When do they close it, like seven o'clock or something?

Is that a complaint you've got about London?

I know.

Is that a hack complaint?

No.

No,

you can make.

I think it's

just a little weird over there that

everything shuts early.

Yeah, it's just for us for a hard drinking town like that.

Yeah.

You think

it's because everyone drinks so hard that they're all done by 11.

But then you have that weird rule of if you're staying at a hotel, you can like basically drink all night, but the person who has the room is the one who has to pay.

Yeah.

So that person, I think I've been fucked on that one.

And in some places people just start handing you money like, okay.

I feel really bad because the person's working at the bar, but also at reception, so they just come around from reception

get you more drinks.

But having said that, I do like London a lot, in case you were worried.

So the Japanese curry, yeah, and I don't know which kind of hat I would like for my dream meal because there's a place a few blocks away from here that does a beef curry that's really nice.

And I get five out of five on that one.

Oh, do you?

It's also a very small place where there's not even a bathroom, so you sort of have to.

So that's a real risk.

Well, it's a thing where you're like, I have to go, all right, I'm at this comedy club on 4th Street.

I'm going to pee, and and then I'm gonna go to this place on 7th Street and then you get the five out of five curry yeah and then what you're going home or back to the comedy club

well it depends on them I could I'm gonna say I probably went home unless I have unless it's between shows sure so would you eat a big meal before a show it depends on what you mean by a show but from before a set a set I can probably pretty much do that yeah um but if I'm like headlining and people paid a thousand dollars to see me yeah

I would uh I try I mean I sometimes that always always is a precarious thing because you're like, hey, you guys want dinner?

Like, yeah, there's a Thai restaurant here.

Yeah, all right.

And then you're like, I'll just get Pad Thai and I'll eat half of it.

And then you're just like, I'm not fucking eating half of it.

But I often forget how my hunger, you know, I've never been on stage going, oh, I ate too much.

I can't do a show.

But psychologically, I think it's good to be slightly just full.

I think that would be a good angle for you if you want to try that.

At any point, being like the full comedian.

Yeah, I think you'd be

pretty funny if you were full on stage.

Have you seen Todd Burry's full a lot?

That'd be funny.

I could do like a CAT scan or something right before I go on stage.

Like, you see, my stomach is full.

All right, let's do this now.

I like it.

I'm always looking for a gimmick.

Yeah, you can talk about being full on stage.

Ask the audience members how full they are, individually.

You have to be the fullest one in the room, though.

Yeah.

Do they serve food at a lot of comedy venues in

as much?

I mean, here it's a thing where like during the show people are getting food delivered.

Not as much, but

something.

Yeah, like the big weekend clubs,

they'll serve food.

Like a comedy store or a jungler's shit.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or the glee clubs, they're the big sort of foody ones.

Yeah.

But this is a bit of a hat comparison.

A lot of people

make this point, but the drink minimum

is not a thing in the UK.

That's not a thing they would ever...

because everyone's all right yeah that's kind of unnecessary yeah exactly yeah yeah the food is a good idea because it's soaking up do you guys do a maximum there because yeah

There are clubs that do a maximum here.

Right.

Yeah.

So you certainly should do it.

Do they also do a minimum?

So you've got to get.

It's like, well, yeah, two to three, basically.

But I don't know if it's two items, so food probably counts.

I don't know.

You know, I don't go there as a consumer.

I just go there as an artist.

So you think you maybe have this beef curry, this Japanese beef curry.

It's weird because I watched this.

documentary, Forks Over Knives.

Did you see that?

No.

It's on Netflix.

It's about the sort of the advantages of a plant-based diet.

So yesterday I had curry and I had vegetable curry.

And the vegetables that I had, I always ask because there's a lot of vegetables I don't like.

And it was mushrooms, potatoes, pumpkin.

I think that was it.

And I said, all right, I'll do that.

No mushrooms.

Extra hot.

You're not a mushroom guy.

I can eat mushrooms if they're sort of hidden in like a spring roll or something.

I once ordered a veggie burger in Chicago and they showed up and it was just a whole portobello mushroom like on a bun.

Like, fucking veggie burger.

That's a portobello mushroom on a a bun.

What's your bottom three vegetables?

Tomatoes, a vegetable, a fruit.

I still haven't.

A fruit.

Are they literally?

Technically, a fruit.

I thought they were officially declared a vegetable, even though they seem like a fruit.

Oh, really?

I could have just made that up.

I've not been keeping up with a news.

But they disgust me.

Yeah.

Choking.

I really thought you were about to be sick there, Todd.

Yeah, that would be great.

If you said they disgust me and they just puked.

No, like raw tomato.

Yeah.

Not a fan?

Oh, God.

I can't even.

Like,

I have an anxiety attack when I order like a salad.

I go, please, no tomatoes.

Yeah.

Because you know, 80% of the time they didn't hear you, or they just start on autopilot, and you just see that salad approach, and you just see all that red on top.

Ugh, fucking disgusting.

What don't you like about them?

They're just

this texture thing.

It's a smell thing.

But at the same time, you know, tomato sauce, if it's smooth and pulverized, and ketchup, you know.

Yeah.

Is it seeds in the middle, maybe?

Yeah, it's the seeds.

It's the It's the smell, and it's just the ooh.

Oh, I don't like eggplant, really.

Oh.

Oh.

Although, if it was fried and it was super thin, crisps,

probably.

Cucumber, I don't love, except if it's pickled.

So a lot of these you do like if they've been transformed inside.

Yeah, yeah, if they're transformed to where they don't taste the way they're supposed to taste.

Yeah.

If they put ice cream on top of all of these things.

Did I give you the three?

I think I did.

Yeah, there was the three.

That's a sound.

I just want to play by the book.

I feel like more so than ever, like this episode feels like you're trying to get into a country and we're questioning you.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

What's your top three, least favourite vegetables?

You guys are like the weirdest immigration guys.

Yeah, food-based immigration.

Although, this room, it's the first time we've been in the studio, it does have the sort of vibe of a side room of an airport.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is a very, this was a big interrogation.

I didn't know that you could have a backyard in this neighborhood with like a secret recording standard, huh?

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so your side dish.

Wow, this was I really struggled with this one

because I didn't necessarily try to make everything cohesive.

So I don't know that I would order the stream dish the way should I should I make it cohesive?

No, you don't have to.

Not at all.

No, because otherwise then everything's going to be from one restaurant.

Sure.

Just a quick question with the main.

When you order that, does that come with rice?

Yes.

So that comes with rice.

Is that going to be part of the course?

That's part of the part of the main course.

That's part of the main course.

That's part of it.

So you don't need to consider rice as a side.

Okay.

Well, I wasn't going to.

Okay, well, I just want to let you know.

You can stick to the rules.

Yeah.

It would be awful if you made a transgression at this point.

I mean, you want me to tell you the rejected ones?

Up till maybe two hours ago, I had baked sweet potato as my side.

Up until two hours ago?

Maybe a few hours ago.

Maybe it was last night.

I definitely changed it in my little document here.

Yeah.

But I also had green salad, but then I was like,

am I going for like last meal before I'm executed or sensible?

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't know.

It's a dream, you know, it's the dream meal.

Yeah, then I'm just going to go with fries, man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is that the most popular one?

I think it has been the most popular one.

Yeah.

And for a reason, I think.

I think people always feel.

Also, that look you had in your eye when you said it, everyone always has that look.

Really?

Yeah, I just very confident.

Oh, I've made the right decision.

I guess I could have split the difference and done sweet potato fries.

You could have.

Have you ever had those?

Yes, I have.

I don't like them as much as fries, but I tell you what, here in New York, Extra Fancy, have you been to Extra Fancy?

Extra Fancy.

There's a restaurant in Williamsburg.

Yeah, yeah, it's in Brooklyn, yeah.

And they've got these

sweet potato fries that you just dump seafood chowder on top of, and that's great.

Yeah

I'm sure it's a good thing that it might not be for me.

Let's put it that way.

Yeah, it's not that you seem to be into very clear sort of yeah flavors good ingredients.

Yeah, I'm dumping a load of chowder on some sweet potato so that was fries I guess.

Yeah

we could mix them up together.

Oh you want that's cheating though.

If you want a yeah a half and half a half and a half sweet potato a normal potato portion of fries to go with your half and half water.

You could do it.

Now let's just go fries.

So right now I have pasta, curry with rice, and fries.

This is definitely your last meal.

This is not a, yeah,

this is a fuck it meal.

And do you like them

very thin and crispy?

I like very crunchy.

I don't necessarily love what they call steak fries here,

which are big fat fries, which I certainly can eat a pound of those without thinking twice.

But they're not, I like them well.

I like almost all foods well done.

Right.

Like a pizza well done.

If I eat red meat, I like...

What's that?

You get a rare pizza?

No, but sometimes that's funny.

Yeah, medium rare.

I like pizza medium rare.

That's funny.

But, you know, I like food that's slightly almost burnt.

Yeah, okay.

That's what it adds flavor with some things.

Yeah.

Yeah, vegetables.

I can't abide by a well-done steak at all.

I'm sorry.

are you rare yes do you eat a lot of steak yeah you know i i've been known yeah yeah i like a rare steak yeah

but i'm also aware while i'm eating it that it's really impacting on the sort of

that's why he crunches all that ice he's getting his teeth ready for a big old

for an excessive blue steak yeah absolutely but i know what you mean about burnt stuff some stuff tastes way better if it's got a little bit of char on absolutely yeah Absolutely.

I like a burnt quality.

Also, desserts and stuff.

I like burnt caramel flavours.

Yeah, burnt caramel is good.

Sea salt caramel,

that's the latest thing.

Yeah.

Maybe as of eight years ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you remember when that came in?

How did you feel?

Oh, man.

It's weird that the way these foods, sometimes you're like, like cachio peppy to go back.

Yeah.

I don't think I knew about that.

12 years ago, but it must have been around for 500 years.

Yeah.

Sure.

How does it like, they just invented cachio peppi.

And kale, that's like, that was just invented like eight years ago.

Like nice Brussels sprouts as well.

Right.

The Brussels sprouts, I remember the first time I had Brussels sprouts where I was like, oh, okay.

Because I just always heard they're always like the sort of touchstone of like the worst vegetable ever.

And then I was at a Thanksgiving dinner and

a friend of a friend was a chef and he actually made them.

And I remember he came around and he poured a little vinegar on them.

I was like, oh my God, Brussels sprouts.

I love them.

But now I'm sick of them.

Yeah.

Now I don't, they're just like, because every place has them and they're like the flash-fried ones, those are good.

But also cauliflower is good, but it's also that, like, a little goes a long way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

I know you didn't bring up cauliflower, but no, cauliflower is one editor.

The crisper, the better, we'll call them in a moment as well.

I like, I prefer most vegetables raw.

Really?

Yeah, except.

Which goes against your normal ethos of well done.

Wow, you're right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're a complicated guy, too.

I am.

I'm really hanging.

Yeah, I've got Jekyll and Hyde up.

I'm just, I'm fascinating, dude.

Well, I mean, I guess you you don't, yeah, okay, you're right.

But I don't like boiled, will, like,

steamed broccoli, I guess, is all right, but I prefer raw.

All the nutrients have gone.

Yeah.

Would you like some of your fries burnt to a crisp?

Oh, yeah, I'd like them all well done.

Yeah.

Like, but like black fries?

Not necessarily black, but teetering on the edge of.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just really dancing on that line.

So touch and go.

So when they come out of the kitchen, the chef will be looking at them going, I don't know if we should send these out.

This is what he asked for, but

I don't feel good about this.

So, we're a couple of Brits gallivanting around New York.

What fast food chain does the best fries?

Oh, best fries.

Oh, man.

That's a good.

There's a fast food frame, but they're not in New York.

Never mind them.

Oh, it could be somewhere that's not in New York.

There's one called Steak and Shake.

That's one of my favorite fast food.

If you drove through the heartland,

it's sort of like a sit-down fast food place, but you eat, and it's open all night.

And I just always, I I always tip like 80% there because it's like two people eat for six dollars

so I tip a thousand percent but I there's not a lot of bad fries out there yeah I'm trying to think but I mean I think more of a restaurant type I mean there's a French fry restaurant here yes is that there yeah this yeah it's called um palms freaks

it's sort of in the west village there might be other locations but it's all fries just belgium fries yeah with many dip dipping sauces as you would imagine oh lovely but they double fry them, I think.

So those are quite good.

It felt like there was a real, a while ago, a real arms race for how often you can fry a fry, how many times?

Because there was like

single normal fries and then double fried, and then people are doing triple now.

I just, I just, where did I eat in San Francisco, I think, and these fries were so good.

I was like, how do you make these fries?

Because they didn't look well done, but they were super crunchy.

And the guy explained and I forgot, but it was basically a triple.

Triple fry.

They triple fried them.

Yeah.

Shook them around a bit.

Yeah.

Got to shake them around a bit.

You got to get that oil off them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A little salts, some ketchup, maybe some mustard.

I like mustard on fries.

What's your opinion of people who put mayonnaise on fries?

See, that's the thing at this, this, this palm freak place.

I think that's sort of like their default sauce.

That's a good thing.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I could do it, but I don't get anything out of that.

Yeah.

So I'm not like gagging, but I'm also like not going to ask for mayonnaise.

So if you were

the scene at the start of pulp fiction,

Burger King and

fries, if you were in the back of that car with them for some reason, you're like the third person who's been sent on this job and they're talking and they were saying, oh, you know what they do in Amsterdam?

They drench fries in mayonnaise.

And then Samuel Jackson always goes, oh, gross, are you kidding me?

And then like John Chaval is like, yeah, I've seen them do it.

They drown it in that shit.

What's your reaction in the back?

I'd probably just say something like, Yeah, I know, that doesn't sound good.

I wonder if you could order them without the mayonnaise.

That's that would be my fix.

Yeah, I'm a fixer, I try to fix things.

And then you'd say, Thank you so much for the opportunity for being in this film.

Can you put, or I would say, can you put the mayonnaise on the side?

Just as a little like pretending I'm gonna dive into their culture, but that I'm throwing that shit out.

Oops, I didn't eat any of the mayonnaise you gave me.

Sorry,

can I have some more ketchup?

And oh, vinegar on fries.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that feels british.

That feels quite British, the vinegar.

Yeah, I mean you can have that.

Salt and vinegar on chips, we're allowed to take that.

Salt and vinegar?

Yeah, I like vinegar on the

very good.

But on the crispy French fries.

Because

I don't think I've ever had them on the like thin, crispy French fries and probably haven't put vinegar on them.

I'll put them on big fat chip shop chips.

Floppy chips.

And put it all on them, but maybe not on the kind of like crispy, thin ones.

That's that's an interesting

thought of that as interesting.

I guess I'll see it as the softer fries to soak up all the vinegar.

Yeah.

Like a big plump turf.

For listeners, James is acting like one of the big chickens.

He's wriggling around like a big soft fry.

He's acting like a fry.

But the crispy ones, I'd think the vinegar would just kind of sit on top of it.

Or make it soggy.

No, you just sprinkle a little vinegar.

Yeah.

I think.

Or a mist, you could get a mister, like a spray just.

I guess that's, I mean, that'd be.

We can do that for you, Todd.

This is the dream restaurant.

Put some vinegar in a mister.

No, you know what?

Just give me the bottle.

I'll shake a little on there.

Okay, all right, okay.

Like a whisper of

vinegar.

Yeah, so I mean, I don't think not enough to soggy them up or anything.

The merest suggestion of vinegar.

Yeah, just

vinegar adjacent.

So you and John Travolta and Samuel Jackson have got out the car and you've gone up to that guy's apartment

and all three of them you're trying to intimidate those guys in their apartment remember and I don't remember the movie Samuel Jackson eats that guy's burger and he's like that is a tasty burger doesn't he says that would you be there going can I have some fries oh would you be there going you guys got any fries as well to intimidate them would you eat all their fries oh why why am I doing this now just to make your mark on the movie I think there's these guys there's these guys who have a a briefcase that they owe to Marcellus Wallace and they haven't given it to him yet

and Samuel Jackson and and John Travolta turned up to make sure that they give him the briefcase because they've been late doing it.

Samuel Jackson wants to really send a message that you don't mess with Marcellus Wallace.

And so he eats this guy's burger and drinks his sprite and then he shoots his friend in the stomach and then shoots this guy.

But they probably wouldn't do that.

The build-up to it.

The build-up to it.

Eating this guy's big kahuna burger.

So I'm wondering if you're one of the if this is the version of the film where Todd Barry's cast in it as well and you're with those two and you've gone up there you've got to do something to intimidate them as well so while he's eating the burger are you eating the fries going these are nice fries yeah maybe I mean I guess if I'm gonna play along with this I would maybe grab like a larger more fries than I would normally yeah like just grab like seven put my fingers all over them

yeah I was once in Camden Market with some friends when we were about 14 or 15 and a proper punk like an old school punk yeah pink mohawk yeah my friend had some McDonald's fries and the punk just walked past and took all the fries out of out of my friend's fry packet with one hand and walked off eating them and just without even looking just flipped in the bird behind it was the punkest thing i've ever seen todd i'm not in for violence but if that guy just got tackled and pummeled yeah a little bit yeah

just a little bit just like one yeah yeah because that's a shitty thing to do it was pretty cool as well yeah yeah you like that yeah it was pretty cool that's what punk's all about right yeah yeah i heard it and thought it was pretty cool i don't see me being friends with that guy no you yeah i can't see you being friends with that

I'd like to say it.

I'd be very surprised if, like, after this, you walk out and just, there's a guy with a pink mobor waiting for you to do that.

And we do that same move.

Go to the nearest McDonald's.

So your drink.

Oh, man.

This is another one where I, am I allowed to give the things I was thinking about?

Absolutely.

I mean, I don't drink a lot of alcohol, but so I probably wouldn't have had...

I drink some alcohol, but I don't know if I would have a wine with dinner.

Yeah.

But maybe this is going to sound boring.

Well, one thing I thought of was a ginger beer, like a non-alcoholic ginger beer, because that's kind of delicious.

Then I kind of, the one I settled on, I don't think you guys do this where you're from, is iced tea.

Yes, we're familiar with iced tea.

Are you?

We do have iced tea, but not to the extent that you do iced tea over here.

Yeah?

Yes.

Are we talking like

sweet tea?

I've seen people have sweet tea.

Sweet tea is...

Which is crazy.

It's unbelievably sweet.

Sometimes you can do do a half and half.

Yeah.

You just

give me a hit of both of those.

I mean, sweet tea is delicious, but it's also like

you feel guilty as you're drinking it.

Sure.

But with this meal, with a bunch of lemon.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe I'd have like a moderately sweet iced tea.

I don't know how boring.

I sound like the most boring guy in the world.

Iced tea-ish.

I mean, eight beers.

I'll have eight beers.

What flavor would you like the iced tea?

What flavor?

Yeah, is it like lemon or peach or something?

Oh, uh you know i once got a pedicure in dallas and uh you know what todd i was not expecting that to be the next session no but i remember that it was uh

staying at a fancy hotel and uh i was working with someone else and they had uh they gave us a hundred dollar credit at this fancy hotel so i said i'm gonna fucking go get a pedicure

and i just remember this nice woman giving me talking to me giving my pedicure she goes you want some peach iced tea yeah i was like yes i do it was fucking delicious but the peaches i don't eat that's the weird part yeah eat peaches but you have peach iced tea

was phenomenal.

Would you like the pedicure peach iced tea?

Yeah, we can give you that at this dream meal.

The pedicure peach tea tea tea tea tea.

I don't know if I'd want the peach flavor overpowering those spicy fries I just ordered.

So I'm going to say a regular, like a black tea or whatever, standard southern style, half unsweetened, half sweet.

Great.

With a few lemons.

Maybe even a lime.

Maybe even put a lime in there with the lemons.

I just made a game-time decision about that.

Now I'm imagining you as a character in To Kill a Mockingbird or something.

Oh, really?

Sitting on a porch drinking your iced tea.

Having a pedicure.

Eating Japanese curry.

That classic chapter.

That'd be good.

What about where do you stand on an Arnold Palmer?

Oh, those are good.

The thing about Arnold Palmer's, though, is like, I can drink one in like two seconds.

Right.

It just goes down, so it's great.

But then you just feel like, oh, do I get another one?

Then you're like, oh, it's all that sugar.

So is that lemonade and iced tea?

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

Very sweet.

Yeah.

I like them.

They're really good, yeah.

Yeah.

But you are right.

They go down very easily.

Yeah.

I mean, depending on the hot, the heat, the temperature of the weather.

The temperature of the weather.

Not the temperature of the iced tea.

How often do you drink iced tea?

You know, it's interesting.

Wait, I just realized it's not interesting.

I remember doing an interview about food, and it was like years ago about, like, well, I love going to coffee shop.

I love iced tea.

And then I realized I don't order iced tea.

I order coffee 99% of the time.

I go to, but iced tea is good instead of a second coffee.

Like in the morning, you have a coffee in the afternoon.

I don't know.

The second cup is fine, but it does not even nearly as inside.

But a nice iced fucking tea.

Oh, my God.

Do you think iced tea drinks iced tea?

I have an iced tea story, if you want.

Yeah.

I did his podcast.

I had a publicist at the time.

She's like, Iced tea wants you on his podcast.

I was like,

really?

Okay.

And

so then I booked it and I took a bus to his house and went inside his house and he's very nice.

But I could tell he's like, he goes, What's your last name again?

I was like, okay.

I know he had like a 25-year-old comedy nerd, I think, booking it.

So he's like, he's asking for all his favorites.

But he was really nice.

But I remember he

this is in ice.

It's kind of surreal.

Like I'm taking a bus to iced tea's actual house.

Coco's there.

But he

asked me if I want something to drink and he gave me a glass of ice water.

And I was like, holy shit, iced tea.

He just gave me ice water.

It's one of the most surreal experiences in my career of show business.

Crushed ice?

No, he had cubes, I believe.

What was Icede's podcast?

It was a lot about hip-hop and rap.

And he had guests on who would just kind of meander in.

Oh, right, okay.

And I just felt like they would be talking about rap, and I'd be like, I don't want to chime in.

But I feel like I'm not saying anything.

But I remember at one point he's like, I get you.

I get you.

But he was nice.

See, now what you want, really, because now that iced tea has given you some ice cubes,

you need ice cube to give you an iced tea.

Oh, my God.

That would be just complete this.

Because I bet no one's had that.

No one's had both experiences.

Yeah, I mean, I'm actually being able to get both experiences.

See, now you're making me feel inadequate because

I was pretty satisfied with the ice water from iced tea.

Where does vanilla ice stand in all this?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I got a vanilla ice story as well.

Excellent.

Go for it.

This is not much of a story, but I was on the plane sitting in coach going to Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and this guy gets on.

I was like, sits in coach a few rows behind me and just sits down, puts his hat over his head and falls asleep.

I was like, who's that fucking guy?

I think that's vanilla ice.

So then I look at my phone and like he was just in town.

I was like, holy shit, I'm going to fly with him.

So then we ended up, we landed in Fort Lauderdale, and we ended up washing our hands next to each other in the bedroom.

And I just remembered that he washes his hands like he's about to do surgery.

I was like, all right, good for you, man.

Because I'm kind of a hand washer.

I was like, all right, yeah, scrub those hands, man.

But I thought it was cool.

He flew coach, and he'd just flying by himself.

I didn't chat him up.

I think I saw someone ask for a picture, but

I left him alone.

You left it for the ice.

Well, you just admired the hand washing.

I was just like, oh, this is a good story right here.

I mean, maybe it isn't, but it's a life experience.

I think it's good that you shared that moment with him.

Yeah, that was that.

I think that made it, took it to the next level.

Now, if I ever meet

vanilla ice, excuse me, I'll be very comfortable shaking his hand because I know he's clean.

Yeah, very clean.

But maybe that's why, maybe he met a fan and he just hates his fans, so that's why he's washing his hands.

Oh, that could be it.

Yeah, that could be it.

I do that kind of right when I get off stage.

Or after I do like a meet and greet situation.

Yeah.

Sanitize enough.

Where's the first sink near here?

Are you because you're a bit of a germaphobe?

I am.

I mean, there's a bit of mine I'm sure you love

about how I'm a lazy germaphobe, but because I don't really clean my floors, but I wash my hands 800 times a day.

I am familiar with that bit, actually.

Thank you for doing it live.

Your dessert.

First, I was going to go with like well, how I would really maybe feel after eating all this food, which is probably a wouldn't want dessert, but I'd maybe, hey, how about a lemon sorbet?

Oh, yeah.

Like a light.

And then I just went with something equally exciting.

You ready for this?

Yeah.

I almost thought of tiramisu, also,

which is unbelievable.

So delicious.

Very good.

But also at the end of that meal, if you're not.

Yeah, I mean, that's basically the last carb on the list.

But I just said, how about a nice piece of vanilla cake with vanilla icing?

Oh.

Yeah.

Like sort of birthday cake.

Yeah, sort of like a birthday cake.

But imagine if you've got a vanilla cake with vanilla icing given to you by...

Oh, my God.

I didn't even make that connection.

Exciting stuff.

Who knew that we went from a vanilla icing anecdote into some vanilla icing iced vanilla cake?

How do you feel about coffee after a like the

meeting?

It always seems like a weird ritual.

I would have coffee after a meal, depending if you're not a colleague.

But what's the purpose of that?

Is it craving coffee?

If you're going, oh, okay.

If you're going to go tear up, you needed to stay up to 10:30 or whatever to have fun in London.

Peppermint tea after a meal, maybe.

In my head, it helps with the digestion.

You ever have an iced peppermint tea?

No.

Is that a real thing?

Yeah.

I bet you could figure out the recipe.

Also, have you ever had like a hibiscus tea?

Oh my god.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's nice.

I'm not a tea guy.

I've never been into tea.

I don't know why.

I'm just straight coffee.

Really?

I thought coffee just, they thought they just started serving coffee in London.

Yeah, well, that's why I'm into it.

You know, I get ahead of the trend.

There's good coffee shops in London.

Yeah, there's a great coffee.

There's one called Caffeine that I've been to.

Yes, caffeine with a cat.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

I like that one.

Yeah, yeah.

They must be thrilled for the shout-out I just gave.

There's another place which does really good coffee, but I'm always annoyed by its name.

It's called the Department of Social Affairs.

Oh, why would you be annoyed by that name?

It's not like it's pretentious or anything.

Oh, my God.

Call it that.

Yep, that's what it's called.

Okay.

Coffee, though.

Shout out.

Well, on your Vigor Order back to you now, Todd.

All right.

You would like still water, cold, crushed ice.

Poppadoms.

Starter.

Catchy.

Catchy.

Yeah.

With chili flakes on the side from Via Karota.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Main Japanese curry with rice.

Yeah.

Are we going with beef or the veg?

Oh, Oh.

Let's go, let's go katsu chicken on that one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Didn't even get a shout-out in the last one.

I know.

Another game time decision.

Yeah, yeah.

Extra hot.

Extra hot.

Extra spice, yeah.

Five out of five.

Side, fries?

Yeah.

From.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Who has good fries?

I don't know.

Can I not know?

Yeah, yeah, but you can.

Just the best, the finest.

Send me your fries.

I'll trust you.

Look, Google it, yelp it up, Google it.

But well done, fries.

Well done, fries, yeah.

Crispy.

Drink iced tea.

Yeah.

It says here half and half lemons and lime.

Half, not half and half the milk, the half sweet, half, half sweet, half not unsweet.

Half sweet tea, half unsweet tea.

Yeah, this is.

Loads of lemons in there and a lime.

Yeah, sure, why not?

Dessert, vanilla icing, iced vanilla cake.

Yeah.

Served to you by vanilla ice.

In his bare hands, because you know you can trust it.

Not even a plate.

Yeah.

Just the cake directly onto his hand.

Do you eat it off his hand?

Like a horse.

Yeah.

He keeps a flat palm for you.

I would let it, yeah, let him serve me the cake.

Yeah, perfect.

That's perfect.

And Ice T will serve you the ice.

Yeah, I mean, I didn't know we were getting into that.

Yeah, I think it's fine.

And then Ice Cube serves you the ice at the ice water at the beginning.

It's true, yeah.

More wrappers than we've ever had in the

NC Poppadom gives you the Poppadum.

DJ Fry's.

Yeah, DJ Fry's coming from the bottom.

It's always nice to see DJ Fry's popping up.

Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Thanks, this was fun.

Thank you, Todd.

I guess that's it.

Yeah.

Bye.

Todd Barry there.

Whoa, great menu.

Great menu.

Great guy.

Great guy.

Great menu.

And did not say candy mice.

Thank you very much for not saying candy mice, Todd.

He said he had a lovely vanilla cake with some vanilla ice in it.

Yes, he did.

Very delicious.

There are no rappers called candy mice.

No, there aren't, as far as I'm aware.

Although, good rapper name.

It is quite a good rapper name.

I'd call myself Candy Mouse.

Candy Mouse, yeah.

Candy with a K?

No, no, no.

I think, you know, it's not enough.

Too many rappers change the C's to the K's.

I'll be Candy Mouse.

S of mouse is a dollar sign.

Yep.

Absolutely.

The S of mouse is a dollar sign.

Thank you for the E and the E is the Euro sign.

Yeah, just to keep it currency.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, don't really stick it to the lead phone.

And the Y of candy is yen.

Oh, great.

Well, now I'm trying to think of a.

And And the C of candy is scent.

Very good.

And the D of candy is dong.

But I don't know what the sign for dong is.

Okay.

But it could be.

Yeah.

Anyway, this is the sort of riff we normally have off air.

I enjoyed it on air that time.

There's a point I thought he's going to do the whole thing.

Yeah, I thought I could do too, but I ran out of currencies that I know.

So thank you very much for coming into the Dream Restaurant, Todd.

That was a wonderful menu.

If you enjoy the sound of Todd, you probably know Todd's work already, but he does have a Netflix special available now.

His new Netflix special is called Spicy Honey.

Yeah, get on there, watch it.

I think he's got some other specials on there as well.

I don't know if the crowd works.

I think that's on there.

I think that's on there.

You can watch Todd do crowd work.

If it's not on there, you can probably find it somewhere else on the internet.

Yes, he's also got a book out called Thank You for Coming to Hattisburg.

So check that out as well.

He's a very prolific and very funny man.

Excellent stuff.

What we got going on, James?

Oh, not much.

Just really just doing this, hanging out with you and Benito.

Yeah.

See you next week.

Hi, I'm Gina Martin, a campaigner and writer.

And I'm Stevie Martin.

I'm a comedian and writer and also we're sisters.

We are sisters and we're doing our new podcast Might Delete Later.

It's a podcast about social media, about going back, looking at your embarrassing ones, things you like, things you don't like.

And we're talking to all different types of people.

So many different types of people.

We've got writers, we've got comedians.

Maybe we'll get a politician.

Maybe we'll get a dog.

Maybe I'll talk to a plant, deal with it.

Who knows?

It's like a little snapshot into people's social media lives.

Yeah, and hopefully, it'll make you think more about how you use social media and how you feel about it.

So do subscribe on all of the platforms that you usually get your podcasts on and visit at Might Delete Later Pod on Instagram because we're going to be putting up really fun videos and the things that you didn't see in the podcast episode.

Ooh, exciting.

Thanks, dudes.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7pm.

And our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.