Ep 91: Joel Kim Booster

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, the podcast that's not sweet, not salty, but it's a mix-up box.

Like popcorn.

Like popcorn.

Hello, Ed Gamble.

Hello, James A.

Caster.

How are you?

Very well, thank you.

I'm looking forward to this week's episode of Off Off Menu.

We've got a guest coming into our dream restaurant, haven't we?

And we're going to ask them their favourite ever-starter main course dessert side dish and drink.

Keep going.

And today's guest is Joel Kim Booster.

Very good.

What an announcement for Joel Kim Booster.

I love his name.

Yeah, it's a good name.

It's a good name.

And he's a great guy.

Very funny comedian.

He's going to be a wonderful guest.

I'm going to be interested to hear his food choices because he's in shape, man.

This guy is in shape.

But last time we had an in-shape guest, joel Joel domit another joel it went quite badly so fingers crossed this is not going to go badly and fingers crossed that joel doesn't say the secret ingredient which means he will be removed from the restaurant and the secret ingredient this week is popped quinoa Popped quinoa, James.

Now, I think this was your suggestion.

Was it?

Yes.

I've never had it.

Right.

Well, if Joel says it, he's fucking out.

Yeah, yeah, I guess he's out.

I mean, it sounds quite nice.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not averse to it.

I quite like quinoa, but I guess it's like quinoa when it's been like, it's all crispy.

Yeah.

And it's like sort of very, very dry sand.

Maybe I'm not into that.

Yeah, yeah.

Just to get behind the concept of it, I'm going to say.

So we're here in Los Angeles.

This is one of our LA episodes, and all of them are on here in quinoa, so we're trying to catch him.

Yeah, we're trying to catch him if we can.

So, Joel Kim Fuster is going to do his off-menu now.

Don't say pot of quinoa, please, Joel.

We'd like to keep you in the restaurants.

Okay, here is the off-menu menu.

Oh, Joel Kimboosta.

Booster!

Welcome, Joel Kimbooster.

Oh, wow, we're just going to go right here.

We're in here, man.

Look, we're here.

We're in the dream restaurant.

See, it's a very American thing as a guest on a podcast to sit and watch you two chat for roughly five to fifteen minutes

silently, not being able to

add anything to the conversation and then to be introduced.

That's how we do it here.

I have been on podcasts where that's happened, and it's a really awkward start to a podcast, I find, where, especially if they're talking about their guests they've got coming up, and you want to be like, I can talk for myself.

I could have done this before I got here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Welcome, Joel Kimbooster, to the dream restaurant.

Yeah, they're really expecting you for some time.

James is a genie waiter.

Oh, right.

I have to burst out the lamp.

That's why I wasn't saying anything immediately when you guys were chatting, because I was like, I'm going to

hang back.

He was very much in an American podcast situation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And started the lamp.

Can you hear in the lamp?

We never established it.

I can hear you guys, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I always hear everything you say.

Yeah.

Some of it's not very kind, Ed.

No.

No, I thought that lamp was soundproof, but.

Yeah, I know.

You say a lot of mean things about me.

But yeah, no, I'm a genie.

I can get you any food from anywhere you like.

Great.

Any time in your life.

That's amazing.

Yeah, so don't worry about that.

I don't know if you were worrying about that.

I wasn't, but

I'm really excited.

I've been thinking hard about these questions.

I have to warn you, though, that like this is going to be the shittiest episode of this.

I think that's a good thing.

Oh, I don't know, man.

Well, I just, in terms of like the food, because I was really thinking about like growing up in the Midwest of America has ruined my palate in such a way.

And I famously now, over the last couple of years, I don't like enjoy food anymore.

Like, I don't really like eat it to enjoy it.

I do a lot of like it's it's very utilitarian my view on food now yeah is very utilitarian like I blend a lot of chicken just to get it in my body quickly because I'm very like

I have a certain amount of calories I need to hit in a day and like I have so much time and so I'll just throw two chicken breasts in a blender with some water blend it up and then I can eat two chicken breasts in like 90 seconds.

It's amazing.

When you said this is going to be the shittiest episode, I was like, no way.

And then you blended the chicken breasts.

And And I was like, he's right.

This guy doesn't even eat food.

There's a, I post, sometimes I'll post a video of it on Instagram and I'll just shed like a hundred followers.

Of course.

Everyone is so upset.

It's like you've moved into an old people's home early.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that's actually where I got the idea from.

Oh, yeah, of course.

No, because my grandma was in hospice care for so long and we're blending her food.

And I was like, well, that sounds actually quite smart.

All those old people are rich.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah

how good they were all looking not in the hospice.

Hospice is really sexy.

Yeah.

Okay so we're sort of we've got an idea of the sort of season the chicken breast is it just like you know sometimes I'll like if I get it from like a restaurant it'll come seasoned but sometimes I'll just throw two chicken breasts in a microwave for a couple of minutes until it's cooked and then throw it in the blender and then blend.

It's microwave microwave chicken breasts.

Yeah I just need it to be cooked and then throw it in the blender.

And then sometimes if I'm low on like the amount of calories calories I need to get, I will put olive oil in the water mixture with the chicken.

And that, I guess, is sort of seasoning it in a way.

Well, not seasoning it, but it adds a little bit of flavor.

How many calories do you need to hit a day?

I need to eat roughly around like 3,000 calories a day.

But it needs to be like,

it can't just be anything.

I'm also like tracking how much like protein and carbs and fat I'm eating as well.

And that's why the chicken becomes important.

Because I could just eat McDonald's twice and

hit that if I needed to.

I've never been in a situation where I'm like, I've got to try and hit my calories.

I've never been under.

I'm almost always under because I don't like to eat.

Yeah.

I don't enjoy it.

I like to go out to a restaurant with friends.

I like the social aspect of eating.

That's one of my things.

But if I'm at home and I'm like, fuck, I have to eat.

And then I'm just annoyed that I have to do it.

Okay.

So you're doing lots of exercise?

Yeah, a fair amount.

Is that why you have to hit that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's for your exercise ratio.

To make sure, because if I just were left to my own devices, I would be a very, very skinny person, which is like, I'm sure people are,

some people are listening to this and being like, that sounds great.

I wish I had that problem, but that's not great for me.

It's also a problem.

It's just, yeah, the other thing.

I had to eat chicken breasts in a blender.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you have to do.

And when Joel says he does a bit moderate amount of exercise, I've gigged with Joel once in Montreal that he was doing sit-ups before he went on that is not true that is true that is not true that is true when what what show was the catherine ryan tv gig in montreal well i was i think wearing like a crop top or something it's so odd if i was making that up yeah to your face that seemed like something i would do but i was also i was so ashamed um hearing it back hearing it you weren't ashamed on the night seeing myself um reflected um yeah now james we've never met before right no we've never met because both of you have what I would describe as one of the six face types that exists in the UK.

There are only six templates for white men in the UK, and you both have two of them.

And in fact, I think you and your producer, Ben, have roughly the same template.

Oh, I hope not.

Do you have names for all the templates?

No, I don't, but it's one of those, it's like porn.

You know it when you see it.

There's even less in Australia, though.

There's only like four over there because

inbreeding.

How many are there in America?

There's tons.

We're a melting pot.

There's too much

white guy faces, though.

Oh, white guy faces?

There's probably like 10 or 20.

Oh, wow.

I think there's more for sure.

Okay.

You guys are at small islands.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fair enough.

Is there names for our different faces?

I mean, I'm wondering what kind of a face template we have.

I know you've already asked it, but like, I'm just saying, like.

For Ed specifically.

I'm very insecure now that that's happened.

Sorry.

I'm sorry to do that to you right off the bat, but after we get off the podcast, I'll show you at least like three people who look like Ed to me.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

I get that a lot.

Sure.

I used to have a joke about looking like when you design your own character on a computer game before you've added anything.

Default template.

Default face.

Yeah.

Good joke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And my one's the same, but you change the hair to blonde.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I look the same as you.

No, we don't look the same.

No, no, no, no.

No, I look the same as you.

Between each other, apparently.

Yeah.

Ben, and then that also, that guy from 1917.

Yeah, I'll go.

I'll take that.

I'll happy George Mackay.

Yeah, James isn't on Twitter anymore.

But obviously

we do a podcast together.

So I'd say 50% of my social media interactions are people asking me questions for me to ask to James.

And I've had a lot of tweets saying, can you tell James he looks like the guy from 1917?

Wow, see?

Great.

See?

Compliment for see.

I like George Mackay a lot.

Yeah, yeah.

I like that.

I'm happy with that.

Yeah.

Great, good.

I like him.

Good guy.

And you look like the guy from Nicholas Holt.

Yes, I've had that.

You get that a lot?

I look like the guy from Nicholas Holt.

Yeah, yeah.

Look like the guy from Nicholas Holt.

I just was surprised I remembered his name.

Yeah, it's very good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's one of the six.

One of the main six.

So we always start with still or sparkling water on the podcast.

You're already drinking still water.

Still, yeah.

Still tap.

Give it to me.

Yeah.

No matter where I am in the world.

With some chicken.

The first place I ever got.

The first question I ask when I go to any new country is, can I drink the water here?

Can I drink the tap water?

Even some cities.

Especially around America, it can change depending where you go.

So that's very important.

No, I just drink the water, tap water, wherever I am without checking.

Is that bad?

Probably.

I mean, some places in America it could be dicey, certainly.

Well,

we were drinking it in New York and people are very evangelical about the tap water.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The tap water in New York is great.

I like the tap water here, too.

Right, okay.

Where's the worst tap water?

Apart from the places that are in the news that famously have terrible tap water.

Oh, Oh, I mean, those are the places.

I just wouldn't.

Sometimes it comes out looking like milk, and that worries me a little bit.

But New York's tap water is like that, too.

But then you wait a little bit and it settles.

But people are like, that's good.

That means it's minerals.

I know what it means.

It's like Guinness.

But where are the minerals coming from?

And where do they go?

Where does the milk color go when you let that settle?

I don't appreciate it.

But yeah.

I always ask at hotels because they always charge like $9 for a bottle of water that's sitting in the room.

I'm like, can I I just use the stuff that's in the room?

And they're like, well,

sometimes they they just want you to buy that nine dollar bottle of water.

Yeah, they know that then they've got you.

What about the UK?

What about London?

I remember drinking the the water in London.

Different areas of London are different.

You got hard water areas, soft water areas.

Okay, well I was in zone three.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I thought the water was fine.

That's good water.

Zone three water is that's good stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, zone three.

Oh, we can get you tap.

That's no that's no problem.

Great.

Yeah, man.

No problem whatsoever.

And I mean, I guess for someone who doesn't like food or eating, tap water is like the dream for you.

Yeah, but I will say that, like,

and we can get into it later on in the meal, but

the drink, I do enjoy, like, drinking is like the kind of drink specifically is like pretty important to me.

Still, okay.

Yeah.

But then, by the sign of things, all your meals are drinks.

Yeah, that's a good portion of them are.

So, to be fair, even though

sometimes I'll get a full plate from a restaurant chicken and then mashed potatoes and then some sort of salad and I'll just put it all in.

No, you won't.

Yeah.

Joel.

Why?

It's all going to the same place.

Again, it's like going to the same place.

It's about speed and efficiency sometimes.

Technically, all of us are going to the same place.

I.e.

the grave.

You may as well walk around covered in worms your whole life, letting them eat your face.

We just don't have enough time.

I mean, that's the thing.

Like, I just don't have enough time to sit there and like eat.

I would rather, like, be moving on to the next thing.

Right.

Unless there's, especially if I'm alone.

This is only if I'm alone.

If I'm with other people, I don't do it.

No one's ever full-on witnessed me.

You've not invited people over for a meal or something and then just blended a salad.

No, that's not that dark yet.

No.

Just pour them all a glass of salad and chicken and mashed potatoes.

It's all the same in the end, guys.

It's all going to the same place.

I mean, technically, it's going to the same place.

You're talking about your stomach, but really, that's not your final destination.

i mean how

is it how is it not soup i guess is my question isn't that just soup like one time i got a bowl of tomato soup mashed potatoes and chicken and i blended it all up together and it just tasted like tomato soup with chicken and mashed potatoes yeah okay yeah yeah so it's like a magical drink yeah but it's not just soup it was just does the texture not gross you out no Texture doesn't really is not one of the things that grosses me out.

Smell is the only like, I guess, like thing that will gross me out, but I'm not like one of those people who's like, oh, I don't like the texture of tapioca, so I can't eat it.

Right, I can't eat it.

Or like cottage cheese or something.

Yeah, because it's all blended in the anointing.

Anyway,

we have cottage cheese.

I love cottage cheese.

Oh, yeah.

Wait, it blends easy.

Of course you love it.

Pop a dumbs or bread.

What?

What was the first one?

Pop a dumbs or bread.

What the fuck is a poppa dough?

Pop a dumbs or bread.

Pop a dumbs are.

And don't worry, Joel, we've been in America for a while, and it normally gets this reaction.

Poppa dumbs are are like a crispy Indian.

Yes, okay.

I have had those.

Indian chips.

Got it.

Indian chips, yeah.

Also, you can have anything.

I guess.

Anything that you'd normally have at the bread course in any kind of restaurant you can have.

It doesn't have to be even poppadums.

No, no, no.

I love a mixed basket of bread.

Okay.

And this is going to be a continuing theme because you guys don't have like Greek diners in the UK like we have here, which is like a grand tradition of like a 25-page menu that has way too much shit on it.

Yeah.

And some of which

they'll have never cooked.

But like,

that's like, I love like a mixed, like, there's like weird different kinds of rolls, some of which you'll never touch, like rye rolls, and then those little like unwrappable butters.

Right, yeah, yeah.

That's the shit.

Yeah.

How, what temperature do you want the unwrappable butters at?

I mean, room is ideal or somewhere like hotter than room, I guess.

Sometimes we'll put them in the basket with the bread if the bread is fresh, but not most of the time it's not.

So it doesn't really help.

But

I'll eat a hard stick of butter.

I'll just stick it on top of the bread and then bite down with the butter and the bread.

So let me get this straight.

So normally you're blending up the foods, but when it comes to a spread, you're going, I'm going to have that hard.

You don't want anything in the street.

I don't think it's supposed to be in.

Ideally, it would be...

Spreadable, but if it's not spreadable, which it often isn't because they're keeping it in the fridge, which is good.

You know, you like that.

I'll eat it like a little like you know sandwich almost butter sandwich yeah a little butter sandwich

yeah okay so do you want the bread from the Greek diner the bread basket yeah that's what I want

that's definitely what I want I don't yeah I don't think with a Greek diner is it's not Greek food necessarily it's just run by it's definitely it's just usually like owned by a Greek person yeah traditionally speaking and then like there is like a set one page maybe dedicated to Greek food.

This changes like there are other people who own these types of diners of other sort of ethnicities and backgrounds.

And like that style will get one page maybe, but it is truly like a 22 page menu.

And it's usually they're open 24 hours.

Usually there's like a few hallmarks that they will always have.

Like all of them have huge breakfast sections.

Everyone will have like every kind of burger, every kind of like chicken, and then stuff that like you should never order from these places like lobster and like seafood in general is usually pretty bad.

And then like the same kind of appetizers will appear

I suppose on a yeah on a 20 page menu don't go for the seafood because the chances of anyone ordering it are low and they're not going to have fresh stuff in it no never never never it's never you never see market price on one of these menus it's just like there is no market it's just whatever they have in the back so a little assorted bread basket yeah that's what we start with

now i'm normally i wouldn't rush so quickly to the actual starter but you're intrigued right well of course i'm intrigued i'm trying to figure out what Joel's going to.

By the way,

previously, in terms of other guests who've talked about food in a very sort of functional way,

the only other guest who's talked about it in the same way as you have is Joel Domet.

So basically,

it's Joel's

who want sort of smoothies and shakes.

Who do a lot of exercise?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exercising Joel's turns out to be the right thing.

Well, no, you'll see, because when I go, when I'm out with friends, like my favorite thing, like post-show, post-anything, is to go to one of these diners very late at night.

Especially, oh, if I'm like out and I'm not like going to have sex with somebody, then I'm definitely going to like one of these diners.

There's a bunch of them in LA.

Roll back there.

If I'm out and I'm not going to have sex with somebody.

Yeah.

Now, at what point during the evening do you know that you're out and you're not going to have sex with somebody?

It depends on what kind of, what the situation is, but like it's all leading up to sort of like the hour before either one of those things happen you know

what is like if you have no prospects yeah about like 30 minutes an hour before the bar closes yeah that i'm gathering a group to go then you're like no i'm not having sex with anyone here sometimes it's later too and sometimes it's like at a warehouse party where it's like by 5 a.m you have decided that it's not going to happen and so then you have to like get some street meat okay um and really cave and just like allow yourself to eat.

Oh, street meat is, you mean food?

That's not because that's not a euphemism for like a last resort.

Yeah.

I thought you're like, there's no proper prospects.

So I'm on to get some street meat.

That's actually great.

We should try and get that off the ground.

I 100%, even as a joke, thought that is what it is.

Okay, I'm going to have to accept that horrible term.

We're talking about people of street meat now.

No, no, no.

It's like literal people with like carts of either like making you tacos or burritos or and they're usually not permitted correctly, but you try, you know, throw caution to the wind.

I've never gotten sick from eating street meat.

I have.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, big time.

We've discussed that already on the podcast.

I don't want to go over it again.

The LA street meat vendors are very trustworthy.

I would trust any of them with my lives.

So what is your starter?

This is going to be interesting.

This is like literally when I gather groups to go to one of these diners, I don't even say like, let's go to X diner.

I go, do you guys want to get some cheese sticks?

Mozzarella sticks, breaded, fried.

Yeah.

You're done.

Marinara sauce.

That is like what I will eat on like

almost every weekend.

Yeah.

I'll find.

Always eating cheese sticks.

And usually like two to three orders.

Always, always.

Which is how many cheese sticks?

It depends on the quality of the restaurant.

A good restaurant, you're going to get at least six to eight cheese sticks in one order, but sometimes it's lower.

So, hold on.

You said how many orders are you getting?

Two to three.

Two to three.

Depending.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not just for me.

Except for the table.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay.

Yeah.

For the table.

Okay, for the table.

That's fine.

At least so that everyone's getting two to three.

Yeah, so everyone's got a good amount of cheese sticks each.

How long have you been into cheese sticks for?

Wow, most of my life.

You know what?

This is weird is that I had a real block as a kid.

Like, it's one of those weird kid things where I did not like melted cheese.

Okay.

I didn't like melted cheese unless it was white, which sounds bad as I'm saying it.

But no, if it was yellow cheese that was melted, I would not eat it.

If it was white cheese melted, there is a chance I would eat it.

Okay.

That's interesting.

So that's carried over.

That is.

Well, now I'll eat, like, I'll eat some yellow cheese melted, but actually, I actually think, I'm thinking about it now, and the idea of yellow cheese melted still does gross me out.

yeah so it's all about the white it's all about the white cheese mozzarella melted like parmesan like the italian the traditional i think it's i grew up eating like a lot of it like cheap italian food and i think like the idea of i associate white melted cheese with that you don't see a lot of like cheddar cheese on pastas no no no and nor should you

but you see a lot of cheddar cheese in a lot of like poor people Midwestern casserole dishes.

And I think like that's what I associate that with.

Like shepherd's pie.

Uh-huh.

there's in the U.S.

anyways, is

commonly topped with like some sort of like yellow cheese.

And I also think of like American cheese melted, I'm not into.

No, that's a bit plasticky.

Yeah.

I don't, well, I actually think it, like, weirdly, like, if it's not told to me that that's what it is, I'll eat it.

And I'll probably like the taste.

Like on a McDonald's cheeseburger.

I eat those all the time.

And that's American cheese.

And I don't think about it.

But if I like see it.

like put on something like eggs or something like that which happens a lot i'll just be like no american cheese on eggs Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was a big thing.

That's a big thing here.

Is it?

You didn't tell me this.

Well, why is it my responsibility to tell you this?

Why would he tell you that?

Ed's been the dad on this trip.

He's been keeping track of everything that just knowing what's what.

Yeah.

I can't believe there's some things he's not been telling me.

We had mozzarella sticks last night.

Where?

But get this.

We had them here, but James and Benito went out and got a takeout from Fat Sal's.

Okay.

So they were in a sandwich.

Oh.

And see, that's too much.

Yeah.

I didn't think you were going to like it.

As soon as Ed said that up, I was like, John's not going to like it.

I look at that.

Sometimes I'll get really stoned and look at Fat Sal's menu.

And it all, like, in theory,

it all seems like I'm like, yes, lots of stuff on a sandwich, lots of shit on a sandwich.

That sounds great.

And then I look at it and I'm like, they always take it like one or two ingredients too far.

Sure.

I think that's the genius of it.

Like, I also agree it's too much, but I said that out loud as I was eating it last night.

But here's how I said it.

I went, oh, that is too much.

He was enjoying himself.

Oh, it was so good.

You had the one, the cheese stick on.

What else was on the scene?

Well, I think the key is that you have to get one that's not like that the textures and the and don't clash too much.

So I always like to get the big buffalo, the fat buffalo.

You always like to get it.

I always get the fat buffalo.

Whenever I'm in LA, I'll go to Fat Sal's, I get the fat buffalo.

And that's like buffalo chicken and mozzarella sticks and the fries.

And all of that together isn't too, you know, each bite, you're getting a good, consistent, like, uh, range of all those different things.

That was tasty, yeah.

I like that.

That actually, I think I could do that.

I think I could do it.

Buffalo chicken, fries, mozzarella sticks, and that's it, and then bread.

That was pretty much it.

Oh, some blue cheese in the.

That's fair.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I think that's all fine, actually.

Yeah, I could eat that one.

The other one we got was the fat Anthony, which is like ham, salami, marinara sauce, mozzarella sticks, fries.

Chicken.

Chicken.

Chicken.

Chicken tenders.

Yeah, that was mad.

That was exactly.

Because half of it, if you bit the top half of it, it was the chicken one.

If you bit the bottom half, it was this sloppy kind of like ham affair.

It's a completely different sandwich.

Should have called it a sloppy ham affair.

That sounds great.

But they had another one on the menu that I was tempted by because it looked like the most disgusting one.

And I think if you're going all in, you've got to do it.

Called the fat hot chick, which was a problematic name.

And it was like Nashville hot chicken and flaming hot Cheetos.

Oh, see, no, that's where I draw the line.

Yeah.

I do not like Cheetos.

I do not like...

No, it just doesn't...

That doesn't...

I don't like that artificial cheese dust anywhere near my body.

Yeah, and that's orange.

That's not white.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Nothing of that is the pale.

Cheese puffs.

Oh, I can taste it in my mouth right now.

Yeah, yeah.

I was going to say, oh, you're face.

You're really not enjoying imagining those.

So I think you're already surprising us with this menu because you very much went into it saying, I blend chicken breasts.

Yeah, that's when I'm by myself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then when you're with people, you're having mozzarella sticks, which is, that is not even pretending to be healthy.

It's fried cheese.

Yeah.

Yeah, you got some fried cheese, and what's your dip?

Marinara.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, like, yeah, delicious.

I love mozzarella.

One time they brought out cocktail sauce on accident because it does look very similar.

Okay.

And you know what?

It worked.

It worked.

You were fine with it.

I was fine with it.

You felt it.

It was red sauce.

That's fine.

Yeah, yeah.

Marinara.

Dumped it.

Dumped it in ketchup sometimes, too.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's fine.

It's like bar food, really, isn't it?

Yeah, Yeah.

Well, yeah, I will say the close second to this was the jalapeno popper.

Uh-huh.

Which is, and it has to be cream cheese.

Again, sometimes they'll try and sneak cheddar cheese in.

I remember the first time I had a jalapeno popper when I was a child.

I used to.

How old were you?

Fat little boy.

Maybe eight.

Blows my mind how old he is.

We just had certain things.

We used to go to a restaurant called the Brash.

And they had a starter plate to share, but I used to get that as my main course because I starters.

Yeah.

It was called the Picker's Basket, and it had like fried chicken and jalapeno poppers and like chicken satay skewers.

Oh,

it was in heaven.

Satay stars.

A picker's basket, a little picker boy.

Yeah.

Sounds great.

That sounds like a bad thing.

James loves imagining me as a fat little boy eating massive meals and all the other children eating from the kids' menu.

Also, just eat it like such a with the palate of an adult as well.

Trying things that most people don't try until they're in their 20s.

Do you want to get a jalapeno poppa, please?

Jalapeno popper is something that is not an adult papa.

Oh, I think

in England.

In England, it's not really.

I'm actually surprised that you had those in England at all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, the Brazzier is ahead of its time.

One's worth common, baby.

My son will have the picker's basket.

He's a picker.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

To myself, please.

The picker's basket.

Thank you, Mother.

Absolutely love it.

But yeah, lots of other sticks.

Yeah, that's a solid opening.

That's a solid opening.

That's a cool choice.

Here's what I want to know before we move on, though.

You say that you say to the group, do you want to get cheese sticks, which I think is a pretty bold move.

What's the most amount of people you've managed to come out of you for cheese sticks before?

Two Uber XLs, so like 12.

Oh, wow.

Somewhere around there?

Maybe more?

Yeah, I think like 12 to 15 usually we can get.

In that moment when you're in the Uber and you're thinking, oh man, like 12 to 15 people are coming for cheese sticks because it was my idea.

Are you feeling pressure at that point?

Just feeling like, this is great.

I can't believe I got all these people.

No, I think everyone is usually pretty on board by that point.

And are these all people who haven't managed to have sex?

Yeah.

So, how

are you never planning on having sex?

Yeah.

Is it not just like a really sexually frustrated meal?

Everyone's just like chewing on the cheese sticks, going, man, I wish I had sex right now.

Yeah.

No, I mean, there's like, there's like, I mean, and the thing is, is like, after the meal, some people could still presumably have sex.

It is not, and it's not about like, it's just about like the way I want to eat.

Like, I would not want to be naked with anyone else after that.

I'm eating cheese sticks.

I'm not going to eat mozzarella.

No, that's fair.

I think that's fair.

Like six to eight cheese sticks for house, and then that's it.

And I'm done for the rest of the week.

You're keeping your clothes on for a while.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're showering.

I'm lactose, too, so it's like not a good idea.

I should have.

I'm killing myself slowly eating these cheese sticks.

You're really drawing the line under the evening there.

Yeah.

Although mozzarella cheese is supposed to be the easiest one for people who are lactose to like digest.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

That's a nice little hot tip there for all the lactes listening.

Lactes, is that a term?

I don't think so.

You just made it.

You just made it.

Lactes sounds like someone who, yeah.

Who's lactating?

Or lactesing, like someone who was going to have sex with you and then they go, oh no, I'm going to eat these cheese sticks actually.

It's like a...

Lactase, yeah.

Such a lactase.

We thought we're going to bang and you eat these cheese sticks.

Not for you.

I'm so glad.

I'm so mad we rewarded that with a laugh.

Oh, that's how most of my friends feel.

Most of my relationships.

Oh, we shouldn't keep on laughing and stop encouraging.

You mean encouraging this?

Reward this kind of behavior.

Your main course.

Okay.

My main course, this goes back, and this is like specifically my mom's, not any sort of restaurants.

And we, again, were poor and grew up in the Midwest.

So this is like something that like I will order a lot elsewhere and have been continually disappointed, no matter if it's like a good restaurant, like

any level of restaurant is I want, and this is the meal that they would make, I would request for my birthday every year growing up, was

spaghetti, angel hair pasta from a box, the green box.

I don't remember what the brand is, green box,

prego, regular, like just tomato marinara sauce.

My mom would make it with Italian sausage that she would cook on the the stove first and then add the prego to.

And then

just the dry, the driest powdered parmesan cheese on top from Kraft.

And that's it.

So that powdered parmesan that tastes nothing like Parmesan from the block, the dust, basically.

The stuff that you don't even have to refrigerate.

Yeah.

Which seems wrong when it comes to cheese.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's the stuff that I like, I grew up, when I first saw a brick of Parmesan cheese, I said, what the fuck is this?

This is not.

That's where the dust comes from?

And like, I'm sure if I tasted it now, I'd be like, this is bland as hell and crazy.

But like, anytime you, I, like, love Italian food, and that's, like, one of my favorite, like, types of restaurant to go to.

But sometimes I'll go, and I'll be like, what is this homemade pasta?

And, like, it's, like, a watery sauce that I'm sure is better,

but not to me.

No, no, you want it to remind you of home growing up.

It's the first, the first pasta.

Was it the first pasta dish dish you ever had?

Oh, yeah, for sure.

And I would say, and the angel hair, I cannot tell you how important the angel hair is because if it was like regular fat spaghetti, I'd be so fit.

I'd be so fucking mad.

Yeah,

too thick.

Too thick.

Still can't eat.

Can't eat the stuff.

Can't look at the stuff.

No.

You can't eat fat spaghetti?

It has to be skinny.

And you know what?

As I'm saying it,

I think people are going to be upset.

I think people are going to make certain judgments about my personality based on that

I only want to eat the fucking skinny spaghetti yeah keep that fat spaghetti away from me yeah I think that's a good attitude to take like you never know what people are gonna take offense to on this podcast they might hear you say you don't want fat spaghetti and they're gonna go after you online and you're gonna double down on it and just be like

yeah so this is very much linked to the memory of when because this was like a treat it was the only on your birthday well this is like yeah I mean it was a birthday meal but it was like something inexplicably that they wouldn't make a lot like i think maybe i don't know what was labor intensive about it because i've now since realized that it's actually like a very cheap meal it was like a meal that i would make for myself when i was like out of college and very very poor and couldn't afford food um would just like constantly be eating that and i think that's i think they were like nervous about but they made us like there was like a long time when like my dad was laid off and we ate like shit on a shingle like once a week and i was like it can't be that much cheaper than spaghetti and like sauce but and yet we never really had it that much It's amazing, isn't it?

When as a kid, if you're told something's a treat and it's exciting, of course, you just go, Yeah, it is.

Thank you so much.

And that really sticks, that really sticks with you.

It also, I think, is the first meal I can remember being taught how to make,

which like in like at the time felt like incredible.

I was like, I'm making food, but now in hindsight, it's like, okay, you're boiling a pot of water, and then you're putting noodles in that, and then setting a timer and stirring.

Yeah.

And then you're dumping a can of sauce into a stove.

Like the most labor-intensive part is browning meat of your own.

Yeah, but I guess as a kid, that's quite ambitious.

Yeah, but now if you don't.

Compared to the cooking you're doing now,

which is still pretty good.

I don't think I've cooked a meal for myself yet, other than that.

Yeah.

This year.

I will say, I had a children's cookbook.

I was just remembering this recently.

Do you know, you guys have the peanuts?

You know the peanuts, right?

Oh, yeah, Charlie Brown.

Yeah, yeah.

Snoopy.

Oh, my God.

You're wearing it right now.

Okay, Okay, yeah, yeah.

There you go.

It's wearing.

Woodstock character?

Woodstock t-shirt?

I had a children's cookbook that was peanuts themed, and in one of them, one of the recipes was steak tartare.

Wow, what?

I know, for kids.

Steak tartare for kids.

And it was just brown beef, basically.

I don't know.

It was crazy.

It was crazy

that there was any sort of tartare in the children's cookbook.

And I was like,

and even at the time, I was like, because I fetishized eating raw food so often.

Right.

Because you weren't allowed, you know?

Yeah.

Like, you all remember the first time you ever ate butter off the table, right?

Sure, sure.

Yeah, eating butter.

I don't remember specifically the first time.

I remember the first time.

Oh, yeah.

I remember the first time nobody was watching.

Talk us through.

Talk us through.

And I said, I'm going to fucking take this spoon and I'm going to dip this shit in there because this looks like fucking ice cream to me.

Yeah.

And it tastes good in small amounts on other things.

Certainly, it would taste good just by itself.

No, terrible.

I can still actually wouldn't eat butter for a long time afterwards.

Right.

A mouthful of it.

Yeah, yeah.

And I can still like actually remember the taste of it very clearly in my mouth.

It's one of the only like taste memories that I have like very clearly in my I was like eight or nine maybe right yeah yeah yeah maybe younger I don't know yeah that I that I can remember that and I can remember the taste of my mom smoked all the time when I was growing up and she would use old cans of like Coke or Pepsi as ashtrays.

And I remember this is heading this up.

And I remember like picking up up my can of Coke, drinking it and realizing that it was a can that was my mom had accidentally ashed into it.

God.

Like a full cigarette

worth of ash in that can.

And I can remember the taste of that mixed with the Coke so clearly.

And it's, oh God, it was so gross.

And yet I still smoked for years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

We're starting to understand why you don't like food much.

And they're like,

these

just destroyed my palate.

Awful memories as a child of mouthfuls of butter and fag fag ash drink.

Oh,

cigarette ash, sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

It's insane to hear.

Isn't it bad?

It's so bad.

In America, it means something so different.

And then you say that, it's like, I'm sorry.

The fuck did you just say?

That was insane to hear.

That was so.

It's so weird, wasn't it?

I'll be leaving the restaurant early, thank you.

Goodbye, guys.

That is, okay.

It's like, I just feel like I've said like the worst thing.

No, I mean, like, obviously, you know what that means back home, but like when you're in a country that doesn't mean that,

oh my god.

I know you suddenly realise what you've said.

I feel awful.

Oh, I'm going to enjoy watching you spiral for the rest of the day.

That's really great.

I'm just spotting.

Oh, God.

So, your side dish, so that we move on from that awful thing I just said.

What's your side?

Not a great accoutrement to

spaghetti, I have to say, with Italian sausage, but it is like the thing that I will order.

Like if I'm at the dime, back at the diner

and they say, you know, I've ordered the main.

Usually it comes with a side.

It's always going to be curly fries.

I felt very like certain that the side needed to be potato-based because our country is so potato-forward.

And I knew it was going to be a fry.

I vacillated.

I thought it might be hash browns for a second because I do love a hash brown.

But if I'm going potato, and there's a lot of debate about this in our country, torn our country apart,

what kind of fry is best.

And I am pretty sure for me that it's the curly fry.

I love curly fries.

I completely agree with you.

I think it's the best fries.

I don't know why it isn't available at every menu.

If normal fries are available, curly fry should also be on the menu.

Because I can take or leave a normal fry, I'd say.

I'd regularly just say leave the fry off.

I'll have, you know, I'll just have the burger or whatever.

But curly fries, oh, I'm going to.

I feel like often your fries in your country are very fat.

Yeah, yeah.

We have fat fries.

We have fat fries.

Again, we come back to this.

You're really

hammering this point home here.

People are going to think I am a monster.

Doesn't like fat.

No, I just don't like it.

I don't like the steak fries.

Yeah, I don't like it.

Or chips.

With chips.

With chips.

Chips.

I don't like it.

It's just too much.

And then, and if they, and they're so often not cooked properly, and you'll get like either the cold or the hard center in a lot of them.

But I'd say when it with a chip that's been cooked properly, like triple fried thick chip, when it's like fluffy in the middle and crispy, who has the time exactly?

The chefs.

I mean, broadly.

Yeah,

pay for it.

Man, should have the time.

If I went to a restaurant and a chef brought out like a blended chicken

chicken breast, he was like, so I'm in a real rush today.

That's the time to cook these days.

but i agree a fry is better a crispy fry is better but the curly fry often not crispy often quite salty because of the shape of them but so delicious yeah yeah

seasoning's great and then oftentimes you'll get the surprise at least if you're going to a fast food restaurant this happens less frequently at the diner but you'll get a you'll get a regular fry in there which is

like and then you feel and then you feel the rest of your day is made because you walk around and you're like i cheated the systems

i ordered the curly fries but i still got a couple of regular fries in there too.

You never get it the other way.

No, never.

Why is that?

You'll never get regular fries and there's a little curler sneak tip.

I think because the curly fries obscure the regular fry, like the couple of regular fries you've got.

Yeah, have you had that before?

You've got a curly fry with a normal fry straight down the middle of the spiral.

What?

So it's just like, it's hidden.

Like an electromagnet.

But then

you bag up the regular fries and you're like, wait a minute.

Yeah.

That doesn't belong.

Get that guy out of there.

Refuse to curl.

And it sort of looks like a sort of potato pube when it's by itself in something else, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm just constantly reliving that awful thing I said.

I haven't listened to anything you guys have been saying.

I'm just going over and over and over again in my head about how awful it sounded.

And

this happened to me.

Well, I'm in Chicago doing a gig.

Yeah.

And there was someone, she was heckling.

That's where I'm from.

Huh?

That's where I'm from.

I was where you're from.

Okay.

He's heard about your bigotry before.

Yeah, Yeah, he's already heard about it.

What an awful human being I am.

Because someone was, she was heckling the gig and saying that I was doing some material about Brexit.

Yeah.

And she was saying, I'm so sick of hearing about this from you.

And shout out to her.

She's talking about no one is talking about it.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I think by the sound of things, she watches a lot of British comedy.

Right.

And then went to see a British comedian and got annoyed.

They were talking about British stuff.

So like, anyway.

Everyone was kind of like booing her and telling her to shut up.

And I kind of wanted them to not boo her.

Because even when that was happening, I feel bad that they're ganging up.

So I was like, I said, I don't, look, don't worry.

You don't have to boo her.

She's look, she's just going to keep talking.

She'll hang herself eventually anyway.

Now, the term someone will hang themselves is a British term, I believe, that basically you give someone a throat, and they'll eventually talk themselves into looking bad, and they'll hang themselves.

It's a British term that people aren't very familiar with in America.

When I said it in Chicago, the whole room went quiet, and she was, and she was like horrified

than the people, than the entire room yelling at me.

And I was like, and I took a moment and I went, oh.

I don't think that this is.

You don't have this saying here?

And then they're like,

fuck is your kid?

Everyone calm down when you're outside for a, oh no.

I would say most of our country is aware that fag is also slang for cigarette in your country.

Yes.

And I think less are probably aware that.

like hang the X is like

is is something that's like commonly said but also like not that offensive.

Like in context of what you were dealing with,

I'm actually mad at the people for not getting it.

Well, it's kind of like I was saying, like, oh, she'll, one day she's going to kill herself, which is, like, not great, but not also not your style.

And also, if you had said, actually, I think if you had said straight up, don't worry, she'll kill herself someday.

Uproarious laughter.

I think the rest of the room would have actually loved it.

I think the visceralness of the image of her actually hanging herself, like you give, yeah, you giving the actual painting the picture

was actually alarming to them.

But we had a full back.

Black Mirror has the Hang the DJ episode.

We all know that that is

a euphemism for

that.

Oh, God.

Anyway, people from Chicago are stupid.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm so sad now.

Curly Fry's such a...

Has anyone ever picked Curly Fry?

No, and I'm very glad Curly Frys has made an appearance.

This is like an unsung hero, and I'm glad to hear it.

Favorite drink?

Um, I have it has to be something carbonated, usually, a diet coke.

Now, and it doesn't matter, like, it's so bad for you, and it's so shitty.

And I wish I weren't addicted to it.

Like, I have to order.

And in my culture, it's customary to drink five to six full refills of a large like glass

pint of Coke before your meal even arrives.

Because they just have no choice but to refill it.

And the idea of a fountain drink is like so, like, I don't know, has colonized my brain since such a young age that like I oftentimes will be like, I don't need this.

I don't want this.

I shouldn't have it.

But if it's given to me, I will drink three or four refills.

Because it's free.

Sure, it's free.

Free refills are like the absolute drink.

Yeah.

Does it blow your mind if you're in another country that doesn't have free refills?

When they bring out the pint,

and then they set down a can of Diet Coke next to it.

I have never felt so angry in my entire life.

All over Europe, this is happening.

All over the place.

And then you have to sit, and your meal has not come yet, and you have to sit with this with one can of Coke

and not drink it.

Because if you want to drink it with the meal, it's outrageous that this happens.

And then they set the little straw right on top of the can, too.

You can't even open the can.

But I think the fountain Diet Coke tastes way worse than the stuff in the future.

No, you're wrong.

You're wrong.

Actually, here's what I'll say.

Maybe some actual fountains, like in a fast food restaurant or a restaurant, maybe.

But if you give me a bar, like the gut that comes out of the gun,

always better.

Always, always better.

And I don't know what it is.

I don't know what brand.

I like it.

I find the bubbles are less intense from the fountain, and I actually like that.

I don't like like super out of a can, too spicy for them.

They feel harsh.

It feels spicy.

It feels harsh, all those bubbles.

Yeah.

I feel like they feel sharp.

Yeah.

I don't like them.

They're solid.

The softest mouth in England.

Yeah.

You were speaking like a real boy king of a European country right now who just can't.

Mother!

The bubbles.

The bubbles are too spicy.

It's like drinking pins water!

Ow!

I said!

Ow!

I would say my preference would go fountain can,

the twist, no, fountain can,

glass bottle.

With the proper cap.

No, fountain, glass bottle, can, and then twist plastic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Twist plastic bottles at the bottom every time you're there.

No way.

I would switch the plastic bottle and the can around.

Really?

How do you like that?

That's outrageous.

They don't.

Plastic bottles don't chill down

to the same temperature as cans and glass bottles.

Yeah, but I'll take the softer bubbles over the spiky bubbles anyway.

I'm still keeping the glass bottle above the plastic bottle, but the can is bottom.

Can is bottom.

Can is top for me.

Here's a question for you about Diet Coke.

Have you, when's the last time you drank regular Coke?

Have you just been Diet Coke?

I had to drink one.

I was forced to drink one in Philadelphia this past weekend, actually.

And it was the first time in a long time, maybe like over a year, I've done that.

And it now tastes like, I can't do it.

I couldn't finish the can.

Sure.

Because it was like, I was like, this is so sweet.

Yeah.

And it's just too, yeah.

And does Diet Coke just taste like how you remember normal Coke?

Yeah, yeah.

Although I will say I've been drinking more Coke.

I try to switch up Coke Zero and Diet Coke as much as possible because

the fake sugars are killing us.

Yeah.

I'm convinced, convinced.

Also, people say that Coke Zero and Diet Coke aren't different.

They are different.

They are very different.

Especially when you get it from the fountain.

When you go on it, and you, I notice the main thing is that with Diet Coke, the bubbles take longer to settle.

The froth takes longer to settle.

The Diet Coke, it kind of levels out pretty quick.

You can fill your glass quicker.

I don't know.

It's so hard because I don't believe that this is true.

And yet it's too boring to ever have like a Mythbusters episode about it.

So like we'll never know.

No one will ever take the time to prove that this is false or real, but I just know.

It is true.

i should come up on that because at nando's in the uk you have to go and get your own fountain drinks and someone might ask for a coke zero and someone else might ask for a diet coke and you take both glasses and they fill up at different speeds yeah don't and personally joel personally the main like you say about you just want to be on the go you just want to be doing stuff like you want to be quick personally the most agonizing and pointless way in my life which feels depressing is waiting for the froth to go down on the soft drink so

I can do the fountain again.

I hate this going shh and then having to wait around for it to settle.

So I'll get a diet coke every time because the coke's zero.

It's frothing up and it's slowing and slowing and slowing down.

I will say on my flight back here yesterday, I witnessed a flight attendant do something so insane to try and mitigate that time.

She got two cups.

She opened the can of Coke, the diet coke that I had ordered.

She started pouring in one and then started pouring the other and then

like combined them as one of the fizzes.

like subsidied it was so crazy i was like you didn't save any time yeah yeah just wasted a cup you just wasted a cup it was so i was like what are you what are they teaching you i tell you what would be the slowest fountain at nando's though uh the liquid chicken fountain yeah that would be i miss nando's i used to eat there all the time we stole so many bottles of that sauce yeah it's that sauce uh and brought it back to our flat and would just keep it it goes good on everything i used to eat it on pasta a lot actually yeah i bet that would work yeah totally it works good on everything we can throw someone your angel hair pasta if you want

we can do that we can do that at the restaurant i will say the other thing I like to do sometimes is at the movie theaters here now they have these big red coke fountains that like you there's like hundreds of different flavors.

Freestyle.

The Coke freestyle.

Yeah.

I love those because like you don't need a lot of them.

Nobody needs sprite like a vanilla.

Yeah.

You know, like and but it's there.

Yeah, yeah.

But what I'll do is I'll fill it up three quarters of the way with Diet Coke and then one quarter of the way with regular cherry coke.

And you just need a splash.

You just need a splash.

Like it's a dinner lickup.

Yeah.

And it's so good.

Yeah.

It's so good you wouldn't even know there's any diet in it.

That's a mostly diet.

Yeah.

But it's a great little hack for everyone.

Yeah.

And could I just do diet cherry coke?

Yeah.

That's an option.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's not the same.

Right.

Yeah.

This is a so is that your dream drink?

Yeah, I guess that's the dream drink right there.

Three quarters diet coke and then one quarter Cherry Coke.

Regular cherry coke.

Regular cherry.

Your dessert, the final course.

I mean, I'm not sure where this is going to go at this point.

James is always nervous that someone's not going to pick a, you know, a very like an indulgent, sweet dessert.

Yeah.

And the thing is, you've really kept us on our toes today.

You came in with the health thing, and then

we went straight to mozzarella skins.

So we want to hear your dessert.

And this, by the way, it should be a dessert when there's absolutely no chance of you having sex with anyone.

Yeah.

You aren't having sex.

Not even touching yourself.

That's how good this dessert is going to be.

That is beautiful.

I will say

I am not, nor have I ever been much of a dessert boy.

I have been a stunch, give me an extra helping of whatever the main was.

Yeah.

And then I'll do dessert

as my dessert.

Like, I just never liked sweets.

I like, I like gummy candy.

That's like a big one if I'm going, if I'm going to eat sugar.

Yeah.

That's usually like, give me a sour patch kid.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

A nerd.

Yeah.

You know, if it's got me there.

But if I'm at the diner,

there's one combo, especially like late night, that I will, I like, love, and that is give me a piece of just whatever the diner chocolate cake is.

Chocolate sponge cake, chocolate icing, and a glass of coffee, a cup of coffee.

Yeah.

Oh, that sounds good.

That combined with just cream.

Yeah.

But also, I'll just let you know, if you do want to just have extra curly fries for the dessert, it's your dream meal.

If you want to have a little bit of a cry, he's smiling as he says that.

You little shit.

Here's the thing.

He's sitting here saying, chocolate cake, you little shit.

They're trying to steer it back out of curly fries.

As I'm now, now that I'm an adult,

and now that I have means,

anytime they come up and they're like, you guys thinking about dessert, I always say, yes, give me the menu.

Because I will always look at it.

I say, no harm in looking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No harm in looking at it.

I famously say that.

I famously started that.

Because you know that's really spread.

Yeah, yeah.

A lot of people are saying that now.

And they're copying me when they say it, just so that they all know.

No, I always like to look now because I do like,

I don't know, there is something like weird.

It's the one, it's like sort of the reverse thing is like a restaurant like dessert is always going to be better than than anything else.

I don't know.

It just now, even though I don't really like sweet shit, I will like always look and get something.

Sometimes weird.

The only thing that I'm anti still in terms of desserts is like ice cream flavors that are like soap flavors.

Like, don't like, get out of here with your fucking lavender ice cream.

Yeah, yeah, I'm on boredom with that.

I don't like lavender ice cream either, actually.

And I'm a fucking sweet boy.

It's so fucked up.

Yeah.

But they started doing

honeycomb lavender ice cream you see a lot now in LA.

All over the place.

That's it.

And it's disgusting.

They've just done that because they can, right?

They've not thought about actually being nice.

And it tastes like.

It's no one's favourite.

It tastes like an old lady's hands.

No one's saying, oh, I love lavender ice cream.

Have you got any of that, please?

And I'm actually, I'm a little apprehensive about the tea-flavored ice cream that we've been getting a lot lately, but I will allow it in some cases.

Yeah, yeah.

But like, there's Jenny's that here in LA had an Earl Grey ice cream for a while, and I'm like, what are you doing?

Yeah, really here.

They weren't happy with that.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

No.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

I don't want tea in my ice cream.

And you too, freaks, might because of where you're from.

But that's that's not here.

That's not here.

It's not a part of our culture.

When you imagine Earl Gray as a person, who do you imagine in your head who Earl Gray would be?

Ian McKellen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.

100% eating his ice cream.

Yeah, good guy.

Right.

Here's your menu.

I'm going to read it back to you.

You want tap water to start off with.

You want a bread basket from a Greek diner.

You want your mozzarella cheese sticks with marinara sauce.

You want angel hair pasta with Prigo, tomato sauce, Italian sausage, and powdered parmesan, side of curly fries, your drink, you would like three-quarters Diet Coke of one quarter cherry coke, and dessert, whatever the diner chocolate cake is with a cup of coffee.

Yeah.

That's delicious.

That's not, yeah, you really set yourself up at the start, gun, this is going to be the worst you've ever had.

Yeah, but I said when I go out to eat with friends, like I do it.

Joel Domet for his drink had a strawberry protein shake.

That's fucked up, though.

Yeah.

He's not playing the game because nobody orders a full course course meal and then gets a strawberry protein shake.

I think he would.

He would probably do that.

Have you met Joel Domit?

Let's stick clear.

Certainly.

He eats all the time like he's having sex that night.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a bummer.

Joel, thank you so much for coming to the dream restaurant.

And I can only apologise again for what James said earlier.

Oh, Joel just said bummer.

Is that?

Yeah, in the UK.

That's true.

I think out the other way around.

I'll figure you'll find in the UK.

That is a homophobic slur.

Wait, really?

Yeah.

That is not true.

I'm reclaiming it.

Actually, I actually can say it.

Oh, okay.

That's just family.

Yeah, it's a proper playground homophobic slur.

Yeah.

Wow.

Bummer.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

So, bummer.

Yeah, I guess if you take off the hard ER, it does seem

more aggressive.

Well, what a cultural exchange we've had today.

We've all largely done.

Thanks so much for coming in, Joel.

Thank you, Joel.

There we have it.

Joel Kim Booster.

Wow.

Quite the menu.

So many cheese sticks.

So many cheese sticks, so little time.

And I'll be honest, it went down a road.

I was not expecting it to go down after the initial revelation of the blended chicken breast.

A blended chicken breast, that is an off-menu low.

Yes,

I'd say so.

But I think you pulled it back round because curly fries, first person to ever put curly fries as a side dish, so well done.

Joel, thank you for bringing curly fries into the dream restaurant.

They are a magical fry.

And thank you as well, Joel, for not saying popped quinoa.

No, there was no danger of that.

As soon as he started, as soon as he said cheese sticks, I was like, we're fine.

Yeah, we'll be all right.

And popped quinoa, you can't put that in a blender, it'd fucking break the blades.

Yeah, exactly.

The blades would all get mashed up.

Yeah.

Oh, that quinoa is so sharp.

Oh, Joel.

But thank you for coming in.

If you enjoy Joel's menu and style, check out his podcast, which is called Urgent Care with Kim.

Urgent Care with Joel Kim Booster and Mitra Juhari.

Go and check that out.

They give unqualified advice to people.

It's very funny.

Joel's stand-up is probably available somewhere as well.

And check him out on Twitter.

He's at IHATE Joel Kim.

Excellent stuff.

Also, we're on Twitter and Instagram at OffMenuOfficial.

And we've got a website, offmenupodcarts.co.uk.

And there's a page of all the restaurants that are ever mentioned on this podcast in there.

And who knows, maybe there'll also be a link to where you can buy a blender and make your own disgusting chicken slop.

Thank you very much for listening.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

LBTENBC.

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And we are the Weirdos Book Club Podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September.

The time is 7 p.m.

and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

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The rumours are true Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

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