Ep 90: Paul Scheer

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

I have.

We've done live shows there.

And guess what?

We're doing more live shows there next year.

Sure, a lot of them are sold out already.

But we thought, hey, throw these guys a bone.

Let's put on one final Royal Albert Hall show in that run.

The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com Hall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

How to have fun anytime, anywhere.

Step one: go to chumba casino.com.

ChumbaCasino.com.

Got it.

Step two, collect your welcome bonus.

Come to Papa, welcome bonus.

Step three, play hundreds of casino-style games for free.

That's a lot of games, all for free.

Step four, unleash your excitement.

Woo-hoo!

Check cheek, chick, chick, chumba.

Chumba Casino has been delivering thrills for over a decade.

So claim your free welcome bonus now and live the chumba life.

Visit chumba casino.com.

No purchase necessary.

VGW Group Voidwear Prohibited by Law 21 Plus.

Terms and Conditions Apply.

And don't forget, after you've listened to it, you've got to let this podcast rest to get the full, juicy listening flavor.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast with me, Ed Gamble.

And me, James Acaster, if you please.

Yes, I do please.

Thank you very much.

I am pleased because this is a food podcast where we ask a special guest there.

Favorite ever starter main course dessert, side dish and drink.

And our special guest this week is Paul Scheer.

Paul Scheer is a brilliant writer, actor, improviser,

podcaster.

Oh, just all-rounder across the board.

I first saw Paul Scheer in the league, a sitcom called The League.

He's very funny, innit?

He's brilliant.

I'm so delighted to have him on the podcast today.

He was in a sketch show called Human Giant that I've been a fan of for many, many years.

He's in loads of...

He's in most stuff that you will have seen.

Yeah, you'll know Paul Scheer.

You'll know Paul Scheer.

You will.

And he does a brilliant podcast called How Did This Get Made with June Diane Rayfield and Jason Manzoukas, where they watch a terrible film every week.

And it is fantastic.

Still, if Paul Scheer says the secret ingredient this week, then we might have to rename this podcast, How Did This Guy Get Kicked Out of the Dream Restaurant?

Yeah, that's a great title, actually, man.

Yeah, pretty good title, actually.

And this week, the secret ingredient is liquid

smoke.

Liquid smoke, often added to sort of barbecue situations where you don't have a proper smoker.

And man, it's so easy to overdo it.

I've used it before, and it does not taste good.

Because it turns out, we're not magicians.

You can't put smoke into liquid.

No, well, me and you aren't magicians.

The great Bonito is he might be able to do it, but like most people are not magicians.

They cannot handle a liquid smoke.

You're a genie though i'm a genie but it's real smoke every time yeah that's true yeah yeah you've never done liquid smoke out though no never have never will so hopefully paul shear will not say that otherwise he will be removed from the dream restaurants we're in los angeles oh yeah we're in la as well that's where we interviewed paul at the ear wolf studios so you know there might be a few la references sure there'll be an la ref this was one of the ones that we got to record and the great benito was through the other side of the glass looking in like a

producer yeah he's not in the same room as us, which is nice.

Because I can't hear him be like,

I'm done.

But every so often, you do look through the glass and you sort of see the shadowy face of Benito frowning and shaking his head.

Yeah, and you can see his breath against the glass where he's gone, oh no, no, I don't like that.

It's like an early bit of Jurassic Park.

Yeah, he's just shaking his head.

Oh, no, I'm gonna have to get rid of that.

So, here is the off-menu menu of Paul.

Welcome, Paul, to the Dream Restaurant.

I am so excited to be here, and it's very hard to get reservations here, but you know, I figured I used my points from Open Table.

I was able to get in.

Have you ever used those points from Open Table?

Like, I feel like I belong.

Do you have Open Table?

Yeah, we've got Open Table.

I've only noticed the points recently.

I have absolutely no idea what they do.

I'm accruing them, and to what end?

I don't know.

I feel like it's like a video game with, like, it's like, oh, I have all these coins.

How would I ever spend them?

I'm surprised.

And I know they've started these a couple of times, these like restaurant apps where you pay to get a reservation.

Yes.

And I'm down.

I'm kind of down for that because of my last minute planning.

I'm like, let's do it.

I don't mind paying a premium for that kind of stuff.

I like the idea of someone of people being punished for canceling late as well.

Oh,

I don't like people canceling late.

No.

Or at least have the wherewithal to call and cancel.

Like, you know, cancel late, but at least cancel.

Just don't not show up.

Yeah.

Because then you should be publicly shamed.

Absolutely.

I'm sorry.

I would agree.

Yeah, sorry.

The genie was just sat in his lamp there listening to that.

Sorry, sorry.

Sorry, I was listening to it going, yeah, I am.

But I was like, oh, all this late talk, and I feel like I'm a bit late to the podcast.

I haven't even called it having cancelled.

I really jumped in on my open table stuff.

I apologise.

I was sitting in the lamp thinking, what's open table?

What are people talking about?

I feel think I've used Open Table before.

Yeah, you will have done.

You will have done.

But no one's ever used those points.

No one knows what I'm doing.

No, I don't know what those points are getting me.

I don't know why I'm trying to get them.

I don't, you know, at one point, I made sure that

I checked in, but they didn't check me in.

And I was like, no, no, I was at that reservation.

I need those points.

You know, because I thought that Open Table, it kind of works like Uber or Lyft, where if you don't show up enough, you get like a bad rating.

And the rest of it's like, oh, we're not going to give you a bad thing.

Or if you don't tip enough.

Oh, geez.

Yeah, that would be good.

So the points add up, and neither of you know what you're gathering.

No, I just know I got points.

But you've got, I mean, I should look at how many points I have right now at open table.

I probably have a one day it's going to mean something.

Yeah, maybe it's for like a future war or something.

Yeah, yeah,

eventually we're going to be ranked.

Yeah, we will have all of our points.

Look at it.

Like, yeah, I've got a hundred plus points.

Some restaurants have

some restaurants have extra points.

Like, I don't know what those points are about.

Oh, right now I've earned 1,100 points.

Wow, that feels like a lot of points.

Yeah, I have 89 reservations.

I did four reviews.

I don't know what the reviews were that I ever,

what I did, but I don't even know.

It says next reward at 2,000, but I don't even know what the reward is.

So you're on 1,000 something?

Yeah,

I'm on track to unlock the 2,000 point mark.

But again, it doesn't look, oh, I guess I can get $20 off on a hotel.

Oh, so that's what your first reward was?

My first reward is $20 in hotel savings from kayak, which is not even a hotel.

This is like one of those chains where you just go there and you build, like, I need to travel from here to here.

What's the cheapest flight?

Like, okay.

So that's $20 off.

But if I spend 900 more points, I'll get $40 off on hotel.

Okay.

And then if I do 900 more points, that's when I'm going to get $20 off of dinner.

And then if I spend 900 more than that, $10 off Amazon.

These are not great rewards.

Let me tell you, I'm on 2,200 points.

So I can tell you what's happening up here, up here in the 2,000 mark.

Absolutely nothing.

I've done 66 bookings.

I'm on 2,200, eight reviews, but I don't remember leaving reviews.

Are they reviews of me?

Well, that's, I don't remember leaving any reviews, I hope they're reviews of you.

Absolute pig at the first review.

Eats with his mouth open.

Are there reviews that you've left with the restaurants?

No, because I don't remember.

I don't leave reviews for restaurants.

Neither do I.

The only time I do it is when I'm gilted into it by a place that I enjoy.

Like there's a dry cleaner by my house and they made a very impassioned plea.

Like, can you please review us on Yelp?

And then I'm like, well, I'm a dick if I don't do that.

So I have a fake name on Yelp.

And now we're jumping apps, but on Yelp, I have a fake name and a fake picture.

And I review there.

It's still Paul, but it's a different last name.

And

it's an older man with a beard cheersing a green drink.

Like he has a green drink.

Like that.

I love that as my my profile pick.

And then I will leave a nice review.

But then, whenever I finish it, they're like, longer, please.

And I'm like, long?

I've given it to you.

I've given you the rating.

I told you it was good.

Like, why do I need to get in?

Like, I have to write an article.

Do you write the review?

Is it sort of what you think in the reviews, or is it what the healthy old man thinks?

No, it is.

Yes.

No, I am.

My character work does not go that deep on, yelp.

I wish it to go.

I should.

It should be the old man.

Healthy old man.

Yeah, healthy old man.

You get like a running story with him as well.

Like, you know, he's married in the first one, but his marriage falls apart gradually with all the people.

I used to go here with my wife.

It should maybe even be a little bit more bizarre.

Like, my wife was killed in a jet ski accident.

Like, you know, the bizarre way that she was murdered.

Maybe I did it.

Yeah, I think it has to go.

Yeah, you did it.

It's kind of like the jinx.

So by the end, it's like, yeah, you accidentally confirmed it.

I confess I did it.

Oh, I did it all.

Yeah.

And anyway, this is the best place to get your auto, your oil changed.

So, we always start with still or sparkling water in the dream restaurant.

Do you have a preference?

I do.

I do indeed.

I am a sparkling water person, especially if I'm going to the dream restaurant.

I want a nice sparkling water.

Yeah.

And I want the bubbles to be potent.

I don't want like this.

I feel like there is sometimes at these restaurants, they have sparkling water that doesn't feel like it's really like zhuzhed up.

I need some carbonation in there.

That's what I'm asking for.

Yeah, you don't want lazy bubbles.

Yeah, the lazy bubble stuff is like sometimes you get naturally sparkling water, which is super lazy bubbles.

They don't want that.

Almost, you shouldn't really be calling that sparkling water.

No.

Angry still, you should be calling it sparkling.

It should be like a kid's science experiment coming over to my table.

I want to be bubbling up.

Put a lemon in it.

Let's do this, people.

Do you want it sort of coming out of a volcano?

Like it's a proper kid's science experiment.

I mean, look, I would like a volcano at the table.

Sure, I could just drink out of the volcano.

Yeah.

Put a straw onto it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A big tiki drink.

We could do that for you.

We could do a sparkling water volcano to kick off the meal in style.

What do you think?

And I will be asking this for every question.

The healthy old man would want.

The healthy old man would definitely want to.

I mean,

he would do still because the bubbles make him a little, you know, the intigestion is a little tight.

And they remind him of when his wife's last breath from under the sea.

Let me ask you guys this question.

I watched you go down.

I wish I knew how to swim.

I wish.

I just didn't know.

But then there's like a picture that comes out where I was swimming.

I was actually a swimming champion.

My story doesn't clear.

What do you think about restaurants that bottle their own water?

Because

I've noticed a trend here in LA and actually in New York as well where they have like a dispenser, like a

almost like their own

soda stream, if you guys are familiar with that.

There.

And I kind of like that.

I like that.

I don't need to have a bottle, like a giant bottle open because then I feel pressure then they're pouring me that thing all the time and then I just want to drink with reckless abandon I don't know why sparkling water is held to a higher it's not like anything's in there but yet I'm paying a premium for this so you want the tap you want like a sparkling water tap basically yes yeah yeah and is that free when they have that yes it is free yeah because it's just water it just has a little co2 in it again we're not but let's you know we're going out to eat you can you can spare the co2 yeah yeah it's just it's water just with a fancy hat on yeah exactly.

Yeah, is that something you'd like in your house as well?

You know, I had a soda stream in my house,

and uh, and I used it a lot.

I didn't make soda, I don't that doesn't seem appealing to me to make my own soda.

I'm not, I'm not getting into that game.

I just wanted to give me the sparkling water, I felt a lot of control over it, I could ramp it up the way I wanted, and then you know, and I had an errand to do, and then I'd have to take that canister out, bring it to a local like stationery store because the oddest places replace that CO2 cartridge.

I'm like, go to Staples.

I'm like, all right, here I'm going to buy computer paper and return a CO2 cartridge.

But yeah, so that.

You liked it because it added an errand to your day.

Oh, yeah.

Come on.

Like, it gives me a reason to get out of the house.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm working for this soda.

Did you ever like

offer it to friends when they came over to you?

Did you go with some sparkling water for my soda stream?

No, because you know what?

I drank it like a savage, an absolute savage, because they would give you a bottle of it and then, you know, a bottle, and then you would put that bottle in, you'd screw it in, you press down the button, and it gets all fizzy.

And I would never pour that bottle into a glass.

No, I just drink right out of that bottle.

That bottle is like mine now.

So, yeah, you know, if I respect the people who come over to my house enough to be like, that bottle has like literally been in my mouth.

Like,

that's like, that is, that is literally my bottle.

Like, yeah.

It goes from my mouth to the soda stream and back again.

It's never been washed.

Yeah, there is a.

So maybe you should have like, maybe had a guest bottle, but yeah, no.

I, yeah, that was a private, a private thing that goes off.

Pop it up softbread.

Pop it up softbread.

Oh, yeah.

Hmm.

You know what?

I would like, I mean, the bread that I like the most is

a very fluffy, hot, salty bread.

Like, oh, like, you know, like something that feels like it's like, they're bringing it to the table, covered up.

You're ready to go, you know, it's, it's so hot that you may even be like, oh, oh, you know, it's like, give me a little bit of that

because you need that because it's got to melt the butter because I don't have time to sit here and do all that work either and that butter better not be refrigerated yeah like let's bring that bring it in a butterbell or whatever you're gonna do I need that to be ready to go I like the guy who comes over with the presentation of the bread yeah I'll take any kind of bread uh I like something a little you know but I like that like kind of sweet uh the simple just like kind of salt butter out of the oven or you want the bread to be covered when it arrives so you want a bit of theater to have it uncovered i need i need to i need to see the curtains open.

Like this is the first, like, look, you know, look, I'm going out for the night.

Entertain me.

Yeah.

Reveal the bread to me because I know, you know, it's like when it just dumped the table, dropped off like a, like a kid at preschool.

It's like, I don't, well, that's no fun in that.

You have no joy in it.

I want the person to be like, I'm the bread guy.

Like, that's all I do.

Like, I'm like the somalier, but for bread.

And I see that guy around, and I'm like, and he comes back around, like, do you want more of that raisin bread?

Yeah, I do.

Come on, break.

Maybe I'll try a different one this time.

Like, I like a restaurant with a a designated breadman so it

how is he dressed how is the breadman dressed well i mean look you know this is the best restaurant ever i mean like part of me i have an affinity like i do um highbrow lowbrow that's my my that's that's my where like where i live so i could describe a place to you that looks like you know the planet mars there's a place in new york city called mars 2112 that you would get in a space shuttle and then it would rickety rock around and you would open the doors would open up and you were in Mars and you ate on Mars.

It's that real place.

Oh, yeah, Mars 2112.

It was a real place for quite some time.

It's no longer there.

And I'm like, oh,

I am all in for an experience like that.

Rainforest cafe.

Let me have fish flying around and monkeys swinging from the...

But then I also respect

a lovely, austere, like fine dining, like just beautifully done.

But if it is, you know, because I've been thinking about the show, this is not my last meal.

This is just a meal, right?

Just a meal, just a great meal, yeah.

So then I would say I would like at least one animatronic element there.

But, you know, I don't need it to be overwhelming.

But, you know, it might be something fun.

Like on the way to the bathroom, there's an animatronic man there, you know, like a bathroom attendant or something like that.

You know, so I would like this restaurant to have a level of decorum that doesn't feel like I'm going to feel uncomfortable that I'm underdressed.

But I would want somebody to come and come to the table, like not in a, you know, not in a t-shirt and jeans.

You know, let's step it up.

Let's respect each other.

So would would you like the bread guy to be like uh michael sheen's character in passengers you know that is a great reference that's exactly what i was thinking

yeah

you know i mean look um i also feel like at restaurants i don't see it enough a jaunty hat i feel like no one in restaurants no servers wear hats and it feels to me that would be the best thing to wear if you're at a restaurant because your hair is going to get in this food anyway.

Like, we should be bringing hats to restaurants, people.

Bring that hat back.

You know, I'm not saying wearing a baseball cap, I'm saying wearing a nice like if you came to my table and you're away to wearing a fedora.

I'm like, I respect you because you respect your job.

Like, why have people in the kitchen got to wear a fucking hat?

But you're carrying my food, arguably, in the most traumatic moments here, like from the kitchen out, you can't control anything.

We're hats.

Yeah, so we're also no life.

Are we reclaiming the fedora from pickup artists?

Yeah,

I want a fedora, I want a Kango, put on some sort of hat, you know, something jaunty and lovely.

So, the bread guy's got a hat on, it's jaunty, he reveals the bread.

You mentioned curtains, I think you were talking metaphorically, but we can put the bread behind some lipsticks.

I mean, of course, I mean, like, we're talking, like, look, I don't mind.

I went to a wedding one time, and it was one of my best weddings.

I grew up in Long Island, which is a suburb of New York City.

And I'm trying to think of like what Long Island is.

It's a little, it's a little trashy.

You guys have that Geordie shore, right?

Like, it has like elements of like that, right?

So

and so we were at this place called Russo's on the Bay and one of the best experiences I've ever had at this wedding.

First of all, the bride and groom came up through glass elevators from the from the floor.

What?

Yeah, that was amazing.

I mean, this was, I mean, this is the level of like,

it was cheesy enough to be like lovely and also like, yeah.

And then, and then they also had like video monitors around the entire place.

place.

So they had a camera running at the whole time.

So you could just check in with the video monitors.

But one of the best moments was, you know, you're eating,

they had a beautiful buffet to start.

They had a great meal.

But at the end, you're like, oh, I guess dessert's coming.

The lights went dim.

And then all of a sudden, this voice comes on and goes, ladies and gentlemen, Russo's on the bay would like to introduce you to your

desserts.

And then all the walls walls open like

like they like they were on spinners and then you opened your world into like a willy wonka chocolate factory where there was like a donut machine i swear to god there were sparklers coming out of the chocolate fountain i was like holy shit and then you walked into that room and they gave you a box a bakery box and you filled it up with whatever you wanted to take home

because it wasn't wedding cake you had the wedding cake at the table this is just extra food for you to take home i i wish i'd been there so bad you would have but you would have died of of a heart attack if that had happened.

Yeah, yeah.

You just described my dream.

That is like, I fantasize about that every day.

It is, there is nothing more fulfilling to me than an amazingly well-done, like,

like a buffet in the sense of like multiple tables.

And I want a high-end buffet.

I want like, there's people working, there's things going on.

It's not like the one that's just like out and just sitting.

Like, this place had a donut maker.

The guy's making his own donuts.

You know, Four Seasons in Las Vegas has a great breakfast buffet only on Sundays, and it's very much like that perfect, really well done, really well.

But do they announce all the courses like a wrestler?

No, I mean, that, that's, I mean, that's

how you get that in Long Island.

I love that.

I love the courses being announced.

Oh, yeah.

Should we announce all the courses like that?

Ladies and gentlemen, your bread.

And

maybe they also introduce it like it's like it has some sort of like build-up.

Like, you've seen this bread started as a semolina out in the fields of so-and-so, and then it met its partner in butter.

This, butter, you know, that goes like a really, like,

yeah, yeah.

Well, in that case, uh, Paul Shea,

please welcome your starter.

Ooh, okay, so I thought about this.

There's a handful of things that we were talking about, and I was like, well, what is considered a good starter?

You know, and I'm trying to figure out, oh, where do I go?

I I lean generally towards seafood that that is something when I like if I'm doing like a perfect meal I'm so you're gonna see elements of that but I wanted to kind of also pull away from that I want to tell you I'm just gonna give you a couple things about me just so you know yeah

I'm primarily pescatarian

but if a good piece of meat or something comes by I'm I'm all in and so I was at first wrestling with my starter being this thing that I love from John and Vinny's, which is a restaurant out here, an amazing restaurant.

They're so good that John and Vinny's does LA to New York, the flight, the food on the flights from LA to New York on Delta out here.

And their airline food is delicious.

Oh my god, I can't wait to be on that flight because John and Vinny's does it.

It's so good.

And so John and Vinny is so good.

And I was thinking about, oh, I love everything they do there.

But they have this amazing brochetta on a big, you know, on a big thick piece of toast with,

basically, I'm going to, I wrote it down.

So I wanted to make sure I didn't mess it up because this is uh, you know, I don't want to mess up, but now as I'm saying this, it's not my pick because I've already had the bread, sure, um, but I'll quickly get through this and then, um, but uh, here it is.

This is um ricotta, uh, orange blossom honey and sesame seed, and it's really delicious.

Wow, wow, it really like a very different way to do like a brochetta, not like uh you know,

this is like a really this orange blossom honey, so good.

And I was like, oh, that would be delicious, but then I realized maybe what I do is go decadent.

And I went to a restaurant in Japan, in Tokyo, called Shima.

And they had these

steak, like they're so thin.

I took a picture of it.

And it was the best steak sandwich I've ever had, but it's not very big.

It could be a starter.

It could be a, you know,

just it's a great way to maybe start off a meal.

The steak melted in my mouth.

I know people say that a lot.

Like, oh, it's just, this was on, I've never eaten a steak that was this good i've never i've never experienced this taste in my life it was like once you ate it you're like i need to eat this every day it didn't even feel like it fell like i don't even know what it was so the the the little mini steak from shima in uh in tokyo what would be my opener thing it's like is it is it a sandwich did you say yes it's a little it's a little uh sandwich that it's like it looks almost like

you know what you could say it like that it was like it looks almost like a steak cutlet Like it looks like it looks very much like a chicken cutlet, but it's steak.

And it is.

So it's like a, so they do like katsu sandos in.

Yes.

But that's normally with pork, but I have seen they've done them with like yagu beef.

Yes, and that's exactly it.

You see, this is, yeah.

You see, you've just nailed it.

That's exactly it.

That is, and it is, it is unreal.

It's so, so good.

And I can imagine that it is a good size for a starter because when those, when it's really nice beef, they come in quite small cubes.

Exactly, yeah really marbled and like yeah and then you don't need you don't need a big thing it just it's an amazingly

you can see like it looks a little bit yeah this is what they look like oh great yeah that's what you want yeah yeah just three stripes yeah bread beef it's bread all the same thickness as each other it's good yeah it's amazing it's beautifully done flag so I thought that would be a decadent way to start and now look I'm not really planning myself like I feel like I'm gonna get full pretty quickly already like I've already had two pieces of bread here at the start

But I'm going for it.

I'm going for it.

Look, it's a dream meal.

Just fill up on bread.

Yeah, I got it.

Also, starter-wise, what's the healthy old man having?

The healthy old man.

Well, the healthy old man is going to do something very nice.

It's going to be like an end dive, but there'll be some things in, like almost like a kind of like a lettuce cup, but an end dive cup.

Delicious, nice, respectful.

A little bit of spice to it, but not too much.

It's not going to kick too much.

Yeah, the last thing the healthy old man is doing is filling up on bread, right?

Exactly.

he's not he is avoiding bread at all he's not had bread since 1986 because he knows he's got limited time he's got to keep it all healthy and he's like oh this reminds me of my i used to have a allotment myself and i'd grow my own vegetables yeah you'd look into it and be like he didn't have an allotment he just stole he stole from his extra neighbor this year yeah all the time yeah it's always like like peter rabbit who did have an island in it and everything he planted died and i'm like why what's under that what's under that soil that's soil healthy old man what's this healthy old man actually doing in this garden?

It's made of people.

The reason why the fertilizer is so good, it's this dead corpse.

Oh, no, is that what's in the green drink?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, healthy old man's drinking people.

He's the sweeny todd of gardening, this man.

Just put a little ginger in there and it goes down so smooth.

Healthy old man.

So, your main course, that's a delicious starter.

That sounds very, very,

yes.

So, So the main course

is this is I've thought a lot about.

It's incredibly specific, but I'm a big omikasa type of person.

So you go to a Japanese restaurant, the sushi chef makes you what he wants.

And I want this one chef

that I used to go to here in Los Angeles.

He had a restaurant called Saito.

Saito was...

in the grossest, most dilapidated strip mall that you would ever see.

You would never know that a respectable restaurant was in this strip mall.

As a matter of fact, the first time I ever went, I was like, well, this is clearly is not the place.

It's like, there's like multiple drug addicts hanging out in this donut shop.

Like, where is this sushi place?

And

the windows look closed.

You go inside.

There's only two tables and the rest was a sushi bar.

And by the look of you, he would determine if you could sit at the sushi bar or he would push you off to a table.

I got in with him.

I got to sit at the sushi bar and I went to him for many, many years.

He is now retired and went back to Japan.

But in that time, it was the most amazing sushi I've ever had.

The place never had more than two to three people in it at any given time.

And it was a very kind of solo experience where

he would do this thing.

And one of the best experiences I've ever had was on his birthday, he would make his ideal birthday meal for you.

Wow.

So that's what I would do from

for my main meals.

This is great because

everyone else that we've ever had on the podcast has obviously picked the food that they want.

You've ordered a chef.

Oh, yeah.

And you're going to let him do it.

Yes.

That's what I want.

Because it's like, there is something about, like, I love,

in general, not having to order anything.

Like, I want, like, I want you to not entertain me, but I'm like, do your thing.

Like, I, like, I feel like.

My apologies for inviting you on the podcast.

No, no, no.

I am such a, I'm such a fan of, I feel like it's an art and I feel like it's a thing, like it's like, you know, it's going to be fresh.

You know what's going to be good.

Like, just make your thing.

I once went to a restaurant in,

like, it's an Italian restaurant.

It's like either, I don't know, who's the guy who wore like the

Crocs or whatever.

He's a big Italian chef.

I forget his name now, but Batalier.

Yeah.

Mario Batali.

Not a good guy, or seemingly not a good guy,

but great chef.

And I went to one of his restaurants and

one of his servers said, can I show you what I would order?

She's like, I'm a career server.

She's like, and I'm going to create for you an amazing meal.

She's like, I don't want you to look at the menus.

I will dictate this.

She's like, you'll all get a plate.

Everyone takes one bite from the plate and you pass it to the person to the left and you keep on going around.

And it was one of the best meals ever.

And I feel like the best meals I've ever had, I've had no, I've not weighed in on at all.

I'm just like, I know this place is great.

Do your thing.

And I think that like, and I love that about sushi is like, I don't know know what's going to be fresh.

I want you to surprise me.

I don't know what I'm getting next.

I feel like every, it's like Christmas morning, but you're eating.

It's like, what, great.

Yeah, sure.

I have no preconceived notions.

I just know that you take pride.

And I also feel like when you give that over to a server or you give that over to a chef, they're like, oh, shit, I got to step it up.

You know, like, you're putting me on the spot now.

I got to, now I got, you know, and like you've given them the ultimate trust.

Yeah, that, that.

person saying that server saying to you just let me choose it i mean if she had messed that up that would have been no it would have been hilarious.

It would have been, it would have, it would have been terrible.

And there is that moment where you're like, do I give over?

Because it's not even the chef.

It's just the server.

And she's like, trust me.

She's like, I moved across country to work for Batali.

She's like, I've only worked for chefs I really admire.

She's like, I will make this an amazing meal for you.

And

I think at that point, too, like, I had not that, like, all of us didn't have like that much money and we had no idea what this is going to cost.

I was like, there's a real leap of faith.

This is is going to bankrupt us.

I don't know if it's going to be a good thing.

Would it be a great prank, though, for a server on their last day of work or something to do that to a table and then just bring like loads of fried eggs?

Yeah, just fried eggs.

Oh, it's good.

Take a little bite from the eggs.

You're all right.

Pass it around to the left, and then you get another egg passed around.

You just keep on delivering the same thing, but calling it something different, completely different.

Now, this,

wait, isn't it just a fried egg?

No,

but

the first fried egg, you'd be like, oh, this is a very fancy.

That's a bit weird.

We'll let that go, but

off to a shaky start.

And then they come out again.

It's like, okay, your second dish, what the fuck?

But don't you think about it?

But the fried egg again.

But don't you think it's like that thing where you also start to buy into it?

Like, they have all these commercials all the time.

Like, I saw like Penn and Teller did one thing like this, and Burger King has been doing a thing where it's like, have this burger and be like, whoa, this burger is amazing.

It's Burger King.

What?

You know, or people are drinking water.

It's like, this water is like $50 a bottle.

And it's like just out of like literally a hose.

Yeah.

But like there is like a preconceived thing where if you are being served and people like present it in a way, like every somalier, like how many people really know wine well enough to be like, take down the sommelier?

Like, oh, yes.

Oh, yeah.

You're watching a show.

It's like, I love, I will see Shakespeare.

I'm, you know, I'm not the.

biggest fan in the sense that I can't tell you anything by verse, but I love seeing Shakespeare.

But I would never be able to like, God, that wasn't good.

I mean, I like, you know,

Anything is pretty much always good.

Like, you know, like, unless it's really bad.

Like, it's like, it's hard.

Like, if you're not a pro in that thing, it's like, yeah, it was pretty good.

I think I'd fall for it.

Certainly the first egg.

Yeah.

I'd definitely fall for it.

If they said this is

by the third egg,

I would be like this.

Wow, this is a total.

I've never had a three-fried egg meal on it.

Yeah.

And I'm going to go tell my friends.

And then they brought up the third fried egg out.

It's the best eggs I've ever tasted.

And they're like, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your dessert.

That is just fried eggs.

There's so many fried eggs just shoot into the room.

You get handed an egg box to take some home.

Yeah, yeah.

You get

that dessert.

Are you sure?

So his birthday sushi, you don't know what you're getting?

No, I mean, to me,

I feel like I've done omikasa all over, pretty much, not all over the world, but in many different places, because you always try to find a good sushi place.

And I feel like there are similarities.

You're always going to get, you know, there's only as many fish.

You know, it's not like, oh, I've never had tuna before, but, you know, but it's always, I think, the way it's prepared too.

It's like, there, like, when I was in Japan, there was a, the, the presentation was really fun and, and exciting.

I also went to a Jiro when I was in Japan.

And that was,

I would say, and I'm going to just go out on the line and say, not, not my best sushi meal I've ever had.

And I was really expecting it to be.

The experience was really interesting.

Like being in the restaurant was really good.

The sushi was good.

It wasn't like, oh my God.

But I think it's a lot about, I love that relationship that you have between the chef, like sitting with the chef.

I've never sat at a chef's table in a kitchen, but that's as close as I've kind of gotten.

And I love that communal nature of it.

I love that you're with the person that's making the food and you get to be a part of it and they get to see you enjoy it.

I like that.

I guess because it's his birthday, he might give it to you with like a candle in it.

Well, at the end, he, you know, the sushi would all have candles in it.

Everyone.

It gets me done done to that certain point but you have to go there um you gotta eat it quick as well yeah well i went when i remember like when he was closing down one of the coolest things about it was he started giving away the store like or the restaurant like so like i came in and he would be like uh here you want this plate off

like you want like he was giving like giving everybody this like whatever

whatever was up because he's like that's it i'm done yeah and one of the coolest things that he did was once it became a regular he gave you a sake cup and so it was a wooden cup and you could decorate it any which way you wanted.

And whenever you came in,

you get your own.

So you knew who the regulars were because you had your own wooden cup hand decorated with it.

How was yours decorated?

Mine was simple.

I mean, some people took them home and really gave it up.

You know, I just kind of like wrote.

I still have it.

Because when I, of course, when he left, he gave it back to me.

Yeah.

It'd be awful if he gave it to someone else.

No, I know.

He's terrible.

I gave your sake cup away.

But it was a little bit too much pressure for me.

That's another thing.

I have

hard time performing in those moments like oh here it is no decorate it I'm like I'm not gonna I'm not like artist is not the by trade that's not something I could like oh yeah I'll do this and that I just kind of kept it I wrote my name on it I tried to do it nice and clean because I knew I only had one shot you know I didn't want to fuck it up because like that's the other thing too like I can't erase it and not go you know like so everyone else had really like a deck like intricate designs and yours said Paul Scheer

literally it literally said like Paul Scheer's number one sake cup.

Like a very simple, very simple design.

Like it was nothing.

But I felt like it, but its minimalism really spoke to, I thought, the restaurant and the food.

I don't need it to be that.

He couldn't give yours away.

No, exactly.

No one wants Paul Sheer's number one sake.

And before we move on, what's the healthy old man having for his manga?

Healthy old man is going to do something that I feel like is going to be nice, which is

like a broiled fish.

It's going to have some flavor, and it's going to be a white fish, a flaky white fish.

And I think that there's going to be capers, not an overwhelming amount of capers.

And

I would put,

you know, underneath it, you know, nothing, not like a pasta, not even a risotto.

I would just say for the healthy old man, I think it's going to be just very simple garnish, but it will be an edible garnish, maybe like a green pepper, a yellow pepper, just a little bit to give it some color.

So it doesn't have a white fish on a plate.

Yeah, and it doesn't remind him of anyone's birthday, I'd imagine.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't want to think about the birthday.

I mean, especially because his birthday he shared with his wife, and that is

the same birthday.

Yeah, it's a treaty thing.

Yeah, you dig down, is it?

They were twins?

Yeah.

No.

They find out they were never married.

They were brother and sister.

They were brother and sister.

They left the country because their love was forbidden.

They could never make babies.

Well, you had to kill her.

The cops were onto them.

Look, you know what?

Honestly, the truth is, their parents died.

They left the money.

He didn't want to split it.

He wanted to take that money and start bringing life.

That's what happened.

Oh, that healthy up man was so healthy.

Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck.

I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.

With family, cannolis and spins mean everything.

Now, you wanna get mixed up in the family business?

Introducing the Godfather at champacasino.com.

Test your luck in the shadowy world of the godfather slot.

Someday, I will call upon you to do a service for me.

Play the godfather now at champacasino.com.

Welcome to the family.

No purchase necessary.

VGW Group void where prohibited by law 21 plus.

Terms and conditions apply.

Your side dish.

Side dish.

Thought a lot about this as well.

I have a very easy answer.

I talked to you earlier about highbrow lowbrow right salad bar I want like a massive salad bar like I want like a salad bar that's not fucking around like you know an intense one there's one that can think of in this restaurant I'm talking about highbrow lowbrow this place called Fogo de Chow, right?

Yeah, as soon as you said salad bar I was like yeah

right 100% now

all right so Fogo de Chow is like basically a place where they bring over meat on large skewers and they slice it for you now That's expensive.

So I think what they do is they spend a lot of money in the salad bar.

So you go there and you start eating all the salad.

And then when the meat comes, you're a little bit full.

So they kind of are helping their budget by like saying, eat less meat, eat more salad.

But that salad bar

is, it's like, everything is fresh and beautiful and great and in multiple trips.

And, you know, everything looks just.

like absolute perfection.

That salad bar, I am the sucker for a great salad bar.

Yeah, with me and that salad bar, what happened is not only do they have amazing salads on there and amazing vegetables, they also have a lot of cheese on there.

We're talking whole mozzarella balls,

huge wheels of parmesan where you just chip off chunks.

Get in there, yeah.

So I would go up there for a salad and come back with a bowl of cheese.

Yeah.

But you know what?

But that you want, that you want to have that.

Like, I mean, look, a big, to chunk off your own parm, that's, I mean, that's a dream.

I mean, like, I, I'm a big parm guy and I want, I want to get in there.

I want to work for it.

Yeah, that's what a salad bar should be.

We've gotten so used to like sad greens and a couple of like, you know, like, it looks like the Subway sandwich shop like salad bar, which is like the saddest thing ever.

Like that row of like.

food like of vegetables

yeah it looks like everyone's out on parole it's like the skid row of of uh salad bars and i'm like i need us to like let's know this is where yeah this is where things are happening people like let's you know let's give it back let's have enjoy it fogo de chow i've told you about before i feel because that's where i went when i was in philadelphia uh and i ate so much meat that i was only there for one night and i went back to the hotel room and i farted so much that i had to check out earlier than i thought i was going to because i was worried

i was worried what was going to happen i remember now i i once when i was a kid i'm lactose intolerant so i can't have like milk and stuff like that but i didn't know that early on when i was a kid and i went down to walt disney world to have a big you know family trip and well you do i'm a little kid i'm eating a lot of ice cream this This is when I find out that I'm lactose intolerant.

And I really found, I really kind of culminated in like, oh, my stomach, oh, my stomach.

And then I just started puking all over this hotel room.

Like, so much so, like, I puked in one bed.

My dad took all sheets, put them out the side of the room.

I puked in the other bed, took all the sheets, put them in the room, like puked around towels.

So, like, when my dad and I had to like sneak out of this hotel,

it was like because everything was just covered in puke.

Everything was like, and it was like, and it is,

there's a shame in that.

It's so shameful.

It's a real shame.

You're just like, oh, boy, what did I do?

And

you want to almost be like, don't touch this, get it away.

Just bring up some garbage bags and some more stuff.

But at least with the puke, you can get rid of the things that the puke's on.

When I, I fried, it was like in the curtains.

Like, they would have had to just strip the whole room.

And you know what?

You can't open windows a lot of times in hotels, so you can't even get that fresh air and move it around in there.

And then you're just trapped on your own filth of farts.

And oh, man.

And that's what happens to me a lot of the times, honestly.

Like, my wife, you know, we we are more vegetarian than anything.

And we'll eat at these like health food restaurants.

And that stuff, that will just play havoc with your stomach.

It's like, oh, yeah, it did taste like nachos, but it's like, this is not like, it's too much green.

It's my body's like, ah, that was too much kale.

Yeah.

Our producer, The Great Bonito, is a huge Disney World fan.

He loves Disneyland, Disney World.

So when you're telling that story, I imagine that at some point you puked on the Great Bonito.

I imagine that he walked in with Mickey Mousey is excited to be in Disneyland, and you just puke the light.

I mean, that I'm obsessed with how

Disneyland kind of keeps puking on the side because you know, look, you have that many kids, there's people puking in that park all the time.

I've never seen puke.

Um, I heard that, like, when you go through the parade, like, because especially in Florida, it's so hot and you're in those giant costumes, and they're having you had to dance and look all fun.

I heard that once they walk past, like, the, you know, it's like on stage, off stage, once they go offstage, it's just a puke central.

Like there's basically a reservoir of puke.

People are like looking off their Winnie the Pooh heads.

Like, hold on!

It's like, oh, God.

Imagine if you see that.

And of course they should be, yeah.

If you saw that as a kid, that would be, I think, your life over if you saw Winnie the Pooh take his head off and just

vomit everywhere.

Just puke everywhere.

Also, I feel like, going back to your side dish, that this cellar bar is, this is where you and the healthy old man cross parts.

Yes.

This is where I see him.

I feel like.

Now he's not going to come over in the cheese side.

No.

But

I see him and we make eyes.

And he gives me a little

nod.

I see.

He raises his green glass at me.

Oh, hello.

And then maybe he puts his finger to his lip and goes,

I wasn't here.

You didn't see me.

H-O-M.

Maybe he's dressed in the server uniform for Fogger DeChow, and then he takes his name badge off and sneaks out the back.

Yeah.

Where did my server go?

The old man.

There's no old man in the middle.

Or

you see him like subtly walk by a table and scoop a credit card, like puts his hand down and go, oh, I'm having trouble walking.

And it just takes a credit card off.

I'm like, I make eye contact with him.

Yeah.

And there's a moment.

And he's like, when I don't say anything, he doesn't say anything.

I once had that in a

subway.

I was in New York City and it was so crowded.

One of those times where you're just all packed in.

It's just awful.

And I watched a man.

go into a woman's purse like to to get out her wallet and as he was pulling it up i made eye contact with him he made eye contact with me he went just put it right back

you must have looked pretty tough

it was sort of like we were trapped like it was like all i need to do is like like just re like reach out my hand and touch the woman be like this guy's in your business

like you know there was nowhere for him to go there was nowhere for me to go like yeah and even if he wanted to hit me like he'd have to like get through three other bott like bodies at me it was like it would have been unreasonable yeah it would be

very ambitious of him yeah

there's so much more respect for him if as he put it back in he went

um what are you getting from the salad bar before we move on i treat a buffet a salad bar as little plates small plates i do a small plate thing so i would maybe go up one time and just enjoy the cheese yeah cheese crackers maybe some honey because by the way i wouldn't normally get honey with cheese but i'd be like well it's here let me try it yeah you know like maybe someone go up and get those like domas right those like little uh you know um the vine leaves yeah the vine leaves right i get that you know i like, so I like to do multiple trips.

I'm not creating like the world's best salad.

I'm saying like, well, let me do a little bit of this and go back over here.

Hey, is there, you know, maybe there's some even, you know, like boiled shrimp in there, like some cold shrimp, you know, like shrimp cocktail in there.

I don't know.

I don't, you know, maybe there is.

I'm going up.

I think part of it comes from the fact that I like to get up.

and meals.

I think from ever since I was a kid, I'm like, it's nice.

I'm like, I'm doing something.

I'm a part of this.

But I like grazing.

I'm a big grazer when I'm out.

And I also find that if I take small plates, I enjoy the buffet a lot lot more because I didn't like overwhelm myself with one giant plate.

It's like all the pasta I could eat.

It's like, oh no, take a little pasta.

If I want more, I'll go back.

I'll often make that mistake at buffets.

I'll load up everything onto one plate.

It's like food from all across the world.

Just a huge like pangea on a plate.

And then it all tastes weird.

Yeah, it's like you got to like that, they're there.

They've got plenty of plates.

Yeah.

Just let them keep on taking it away.

Take it away.

Take it away.

Cause that's the trick is like you get caught up and then all of a sudden the pan, it's like this mess.

Everything's bleeding into everything else.

It's like all of a sudden, you got some like orange stuff and it's like mixing in with, yeah, it's not.

You should just get a separate bowl of orange stuff.

Yeah, well, I mean, you need it.

Look, I go back to my kids.

My kids are five and three, they have plates that have sections in them.

Give me that.

Why are we growing out of that?

Give me a, I want some divided sections.

I mean, like, let's see.

You'd like prison.

Hey, of course.

I've been saying that forever.

I've been saying that for a long time.

No, get me that prison.

I'm not sure for guessing who your cellmate would be.

Also, may I say, we've done like, you know, we've done over 20 episodes by this point, way over 20.

And nice to finally see the word Pangea making an appearance.

Yeah, really good.

Yeah, I would love that.

What a chuck in that in there.

I don't know what it means, but I'm going to implore it.

Oh, it's

when all the continents were one.

And before we all broke apart, we were just one giant landmass.

I like it.

May I say, huge shout out to you there.

I don't know anyone else who would back-reference a word that was used without knowing what it was.

Oh, no, no, I didn't.

But I love that you didn't question it when it was said.

It was just accepted that that is a pangea

and that you were like, got it.

Yeah, my honest guess would have been a pile of food.

I'm surprised you didn't go for like more of a literal, like, oh, the pan, there's some sort of like a pan, like a pan.

Yeah, I love pancake.

Yeah, so you thought I was using, because I said it's like a, you thought I was using a metaphor.

I was saying, my plate of food is very much like

a plate of food.

Yeah.

I was like, yeah, fair enough, man.

You know, we're doing this podcast a lot.

You're going to find different descriptive words.

You're really going for a plate of food.

It's like a plate of food.

It's a line of people that was cut from forest gum.

Yeah.

Your drink.

Drink.

All right.

Here's, I got a, I got one out of the box, I think.

Or maybe, I don't know.

You guys have done a lot of these.

I know that probably people are trying to come in here and do different things.

Vanilla milkshake.

Oh, I'm glad to hear it.

Yeah, vanilla.

Because look, I got my sparkling water.

I have that.

I don't need to get drunk here.

I would like, I feel like, again, if all is said and done, a nice vanilla milkshake is a beautiful compliment to any meal.

And I don't want it for dessert.

I don't want it for dessert.

I want to have like a little

kick in the middle of it.

I don't know how good this goes.

I mean, again, in my mind, I've really thrown a lot of things at the table here, but I'm like, but I'm also like, it feels to me like that's a decadent treat that I'll never really order, and then I yet will never put it in front of a good dessert.

So when does it fit in?

You know, it's going to have to fit in as my drink of choice.

How does Saito feel about this?

Bearing in mind, he's making this amazing sushi.

So you're chasing it with a vanilla milk shake.

Yeah,

that's vanilla milkshake.

Yeah, by the way, a vanilla milkshake, I feel like that is a nice palate cleanser, a vanilla bean.

I'm not coming in here saying, like, give me, you know, Rocky Road.

You know, like, I think that you could argue vanilla is the ginger of uh of of the shake world like it is you know saito brings you over the pickle ginger you go no no no no vanilla milkshake clean my palate it's a great way to clean your palate also we know that you know milk is a great way to like kind of again take some of the flavors down like take some of the heat off a second yeah you're gonna puke everywhere

Just ate bread, just ate steak,

eating sushi,

drinking a vanilla milkshake.

This is the disgusting meal.

The disgusting disgusting meal.

Just throwing back Parmesan cheese.

And you're right, because I'm lactose intolerant, but I'm bringing a lactate pill with me.

I think I travel with lactate pills on me at all times.

So you've got a pill.

You're popping that before the pill.

Yeah, I got right here.

Boom, ready to go.

I'm ready to go in a milk.

That's pretty cool.

Now, what kind of milkshake is this?

Because we've had, I think, in the past, someone's picked strawberry milkshake and someone's picked a protein shake.

That person isn't insane.

That's an insane person.

You don't need to ever.

Yeah, that's and that's don't ever concern yourself with him but he's a troubled individual yeah that's a real oh gosh someone else chose a strawberry milkshake but they did it with like the syrup that and making it at home with like syrup and stuff like that

i was a bit disappointed with no ice cream in it no ice cream in it just like syrup and milk i was a bit upset yeah what's your vanilla milkshake okay again it's a very specific thing i uh I love this place.

It comes from a place in Santa Barbara out here in California.

It's called McConnell's.

Now, McConnell's a smaller ice cream shop.

You can't really get this anywhere else.

It's not like a Hagen-Doss or anything like that.

And they make a great vanilla bean.

It's a beautiful, simple vanilla.

So I would want that McConnell's.

Like, that's what I'm thinking of when I'm thinking of a vanilla milkshake.

I want that.

And I just want it to be traditionally done.

Like,

I don't know how they make it, but they have a shop.

I had it there.

I was like, this is the best vanilla milkshake I've ever had in my life.

There's no whipped cream on top of it.

I don't need that.

I want this simple shake.

I think it's just probably milk and ice cream.

And I think, I don't know much about shakes, but I think that that's probably it.

I think it's a very basic.

We're talking basic bare bones here.

Does it come in a glass and then there's like extra in a tin?

Oh, I mean, you want that tin on the side.

I mean, here's the thing.

You know, for Saito, I feel like it should maybe be in a special, some sort of a special cup.

Well, you have it in Yosaki cup if you want.

Yeah, I would have it.

Or your milkshake cup if you decorate your sake.

You want, you want

to get up.

Yeah,

then I would really decorate that i would have got a nice silver cup really

i want that that the milkshake cup is part of the fun of having the milkshake yeah i mean you got like why why order it if you can't give yourself a little bit of a refill i mean that's true that is the that's the highlight of the whole thing i mean now as i'm thinking about it i'm like oh i should have gone for you know probably i mean i'm not complimenting my meals but i'm complimenting i know what i like and sometimes to me

again going back to that buffet mentality i will mix and match flavors and it's like i I don't need to drink 16 ounces of that milkshake, but I'll just drink a little bit, and that will give me exactly just a little kick.

Just want a little bit of that.

Want a little palm.

I am going to graze the whole thing.

I'm just going to little, little, little, little.

Do you want all of your like, you know, utensils or like receptacles ever to just have Porsche's number one something match?

I mean, look, I'm not pushing it.

Look, here's the thing.

I don't want to be, I don't want to be boxed into this corner that I like to label my food.

I was was forced to label my cup.

And then I felt an enormous pressure.

I don't know if you guys feel this way, but doing comedy and people are always like, well, tell me a joke or do a thing.

And there's an immense pressure.

It's like, I don't feel that pressure when I'm actually doing the thing that I'm doing, but when I'm out of the moment to do the thing I'm doing, I feel

everything in me freezes.

I have like those that flop sweat.

And so even when Saito gives me that cup, I'm like,

I don't know.

I don't want this cup.

Like, I need to think about it.

And so

there is a momentary freeze.

But if you're telling me that I have an option of having everything plated with my name on it, why not?

I mean,

like, why would I say no?

I would be insane for you to offer me a regular silverware and then monogram silverware.

Take the monogram silverware.

I've never had that.

Like, chopsticks.

Push is number one, chopsticks.

I mean, Push is number two.

I think what you have to do is

you would write it all in one, and then when you broke it, you couldn't see what was written on it.

And they played the game.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and by the way, I would also maybe write it in Japanese.

So it would be like a nice because, whoa, that's what I did do on the cup.

He showed me how to, and now I'm remembering it.

He told me how to write it in Japanese, and I did it in Japanese.

So I did it all with the right symbols.

That's 100% not what he taught you how to write.

Of course not.

Assholes, number one cup.

It just said piss cup on it.

I drink piss.

My name's Paul Shit.

There you go.

Look, everybody, look what he's drinking.

Piss cup.

He loves it.

The old man man pissed in that cup.

I know it.

I know it.

I know it.

I don't even have to ask you what the healthy old man's drinking because we all know he likes green drink.

Oh, yeah, green drink.

He's got green drink.

Yeah, green drink is definitely there.

Yeah, so

I got to show you the picture of the old man.

Yeah, you do.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

I think you're picturing him older than.

Now I want to find an older picture because I think you're picturing him slightly older than he is, but

I like that idea that he is older.

I mean, you can send us that picture and we'll use it to promote this podcast.

Oh, my gosh.

All right.

I am definitely going to do that.

I got to get that in there.

So good.

I'm loving the old man.

Here it is right here.

He's so awkward.

He's great.

I love it.

Yeah,

he's not even that old.

I like him older.

He's like a healthy old man.

He's like probably 50 max.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I love him.

He's not even fully great, but there's something about him that is like a, it's a great awkward shot of him.

Oh, just the top of his head's cut off.

Yeah, it's okay.

What I found about it was I was like, this feels like a real picture.

And that's what you really have to kind of

healthy old man here with

Lee Professor website.

Hello, it is Ryan, and I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin slot games on chumbacasino.com.

I looked over at the person sitting next to me, and you know what they were doing?

They were also playing Chumba Casino.

Everybody's loving, having fun with it.

Chumba Casino is home to hundreds of casino-style games that you can play for free anytime, anywhere.

So sign up now at chumbacasino.com to claim your free welcome bonus.

That's chumba casino.com and live the chumba life sponsored by chumba casino no purchase necessary vgw group void where prohibited by law 21 plus terms and conditions apply

and now porsche yeah your dessert well this has been this is hard right because my

i love a good cookie.

Like, I love like a chocolate chip cookie, a well-done cookie.

I love a cake.

I am a dessert person.

I go pies.

I like desserts.

And I very rarely don't find a dessert that I don't agree with.

But I have to say, there is something so simple, so easy about Duncan Hines, like a from the box yellow cake with chocolate frosting mix that I'm like, that's something that I really enjoy.

And now as a parent, I'm having a lot of like, you know, there's a lot of birthday parties and there's a lot of yellow cake.

Or there isn't.

Actually, a lot of parents out here in Los Angeles, they're getting all these fucking fancy cakes.

Get me a yellow cake.

I made it.

I, you know, maybe it's two lever layers.

Maybe it's a, all I want is yellow cake with chocolate frosting, everything Duncan Hines, like out of the box, out of the crate.

The frosting is on a shelf in a supermarket.

It's not fancy.

It's just good.

And a couple of sprinkles that are a little bit harder than you would normally want them.

That is the flavor palette of like a perfect dessert.

Like the the yellow cake is um

it's firm it's not hot like i don't need i don't want it hot i just want it to be i just wanted to have a little bit of like weight to it i wanted it to be uh brown but not uh not burnt and that that but soft and ready to go i that is like a real like flavor sensation that i'm like it's unbeatable and it's nostalgic for you as well i guess yeah it's like it's just sort of like growing up like i mean do you have anything similar to that like i mean i know duncan hines is like an american brand but is there anything like do you have like a is there a a yellow cake?

You know,

I don't know if there's a yellow cake.

I don't know who this Duncan Hines character is.

Easy old man.

That's the name of my old man.

That's the name of healthy old man.

Yeah.

So ironic that he runs a cake cover.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The perfect cover.

I don't think we have to do that.

We have like some nostalgic birth.

I mean, we talked the other day about column caterpillar cakes, which are like a very nostalgic birthday cake for me.

Okay.

A cake that looks like a caterpillar.

I've seen now.

All right, so I've seen like, I think I've seen a a cake like that.

I've also seen the cakes where you put like a little baby inside.

Have you guys done those?

What did you just say?

Have you heard about the baby cakes?

No, how a cake where you put a little baby is.

All right, hold on.

All right, I'm going to get to the baby cake in one second.

I'm going to just show you this.

This is what I'm talking about.

That's the kind of cake I'm like.

Right, right.

It's a very yellow cake.

Yeah, I don't even know what yellow is.

I don't know.

It's classic yellow cake.

I don't know what the flavor is.

When yellow said yellow cake, I thought, oh, that's just Paul saying that.

But I think on the box it said classic yellow.

yeah classic yellow there's another one called yeah it's a clay it's that's unsupportable

cake to be yellow it's not lemon by the way no it's not it's like it's not lemon it's it's i don't know how to describe it more than this is a a very distinctive flavor of this like box cake um baby and the cake right baby in the cake is uh i believe it's uh my parents uh my my mom's side is uh italian and we did this all the time there

you would put a baby baby Jesus, yeah, I think in the cake, and I believe we did it.

I mean, now it seems like it would be a Christmas cake.

I think it probably is a Christmas cake.

I, I, for whatever reason, I thought it was New Year's.

Um, if it's baby Jesus, it's probably Christmas, yeah, it has to be, yeah, yeah, right.

So, you put this little baby in, and um, and into the cake mix, and then you make the cake,

and then you cut the cake, and whoever gets baby Jesus, that's good luck, right?

Obviously,

I mean, I know you think you've explained that well, yeah,

but you've not still not told us what the baby is.

Or you've still said

you put a baby in it.

It's a little

figure.

You still making it sound like.

Yeah, no, no, it's not a real baby.

Yeah.

It's a baby.

Yeah, no, it's a...

By the way, I just typed in baby and baby Jesus cake was the first thing that popped up.

And you picked it up.

That's to do with your searches rather than

that looks horrible.

So it's basically a little, you get like a little

action figure of a baby.

There's a lot of them.

And this is also a big thing that they do in

at Mardi Gras.

Kingcakes, they call them, right?

I think I've heard of kingcakes.

Yeah, so kingcakes and Jesus, baby Jesus cakes are pretty the same.

So you get looks so gross.

Also, why is the cake in every single one of these photos a horrible radioactive color?

Yeah, because that's like that's kind of the

kingcake thing.

I think that's like a very Mardi Gras like Mardi Gras colors are like purple and yellow and green.

So we weren't doing that.

But So the idea is, so you put this little action, baby Jesus action figure or baby action figure in there, and then you cut it, and then you don't know.

It's basically like Russian roulette cake.

And whoever gets the little baby Jesus on their slice, that brings them good luck.

I'd like to see the stats on how many people have died by choking on a baby Jesus.

Oh, I mean, well, I think you're looking for it.

So it's like, you got to let everybody know, like, hey, we're looking for baby Jesus in here.

So just don't go, just don't go to town on this cake.

We're crossing our fingers if we're getting baby Jesus.

And it's big, and you have to make it big enough to not choke on it.

If you put a fork in it, you're going to hit a baby Jesus belly.

Or a baby Jesus leg.

And then I heard a new part of this story because I met with my friend who was like, oh, we just did one of those baby Jesus cakes.

And

I was like, oh, wow.

And he's like, yeah, he did his on New Year's.

That's why I got confused.

And he said that his rule is that not only does this person who gets it get good luck, but they have to throw a party the first Saturday in February.

Like, that's so, it's like

it's sort of saying like specific rule is rap.

So it's like you get this good luck and then you got to throw a party for everybody that you had the cake for first week.

And then do they do is there another cake?

No, no other cake.

That's just sort of like so it's like a it's like a benefit and a deficit.

You get good luck, but then you also have to go throw a party.

Right.

So it's giving you a little work is as part of it.

You know, the baby Jesus cake was,

you know, I mean, look, it's not something that I partake in as an adult, but as a child, I was very excited about that baby Jesus cake.

You can just add rules to it and do whatever you like.

I mean, look, look at them.

Yeah.

They're like, okay, you get good luck.

You're going to throw a party the first weekend of February.

And also, you have to steal a car.

Yeah, well, and then look.

And because the baby Jesus told you to do it, it's okay.

It's legal.

That's it.

Baby Jesus commands you.

Yeah.

Would you like us that what we're going to do for your meal is at some point during the meal, we're going to put a baby Jesus in the food.

Yes.

I'm going to tell you what, of course.

Like a tuna hand roll.

All of a sudden, a little baby Jesus is there.

I would love it.

Inside a bowl of mozzarella on the salad bar.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm chipping away at the palm.

Baby Jesus inside.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ready to go.

I'm not going to lie.

I might get a bit liberal with the baby Jesus's and put them everywhere.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think you should now have one popping up.

No, I mean, how great would it be?

I have a big belief that.

All right, so what if every restaurant, every night, one baby Jesus is found?

Just one.

One.

And so

you don't know.

Like, my big theory is like, there's a bunch of these haunted houses out here

where you go, it's like Halloween horror nights and they chase you around with like fake chainsaws and stuff like that.

And there's a level of like people are scared because people are jumping at it.

But I was like, how great would it be if you go to this thing, Universal Studios, wherever you're going, and

one person throughout the holiday season, like so when it starts September to like November 1st, one person is going to be killed.

And we're not going to tell you when.

And if it did happen, we don't know.

So you go in there, you're like, oh, fuck, it could be me.

Like, I can't let my guard down that much because it could have happened.

It could not have happened, but someone will get killed from that.

And that's part of the risk assessment I'm doing.

I'm signing a contract.

I'm like, I could be that person.

Now you don't even know.

And so I always thought that that would add a level of real anxiety to these events that you wouldn't need.

And I think if every restaurant instilled the baby Jesus one time in a night, it's a lot of us happening.

If you find baby Jesus, free meal.

Yeah.

So you are like, I want to order more stuff, but then my bill is going to go higher, but I have a better chance to get baby Jesus.

I don't know.

That's like now my favorite thing for the server to constantly bring out to you at that restaurant, which is just like, let me order for you.

Is that every single course is a baby Jesus cake.

But not with just baby Jesus in it.

Now, this is you have to find the baby Jesus in here and fried eggs with baby Jesus.

Yeah, yeah.

If it was a free meal, though, and you were running a restaurant, you'd just put the baby Jesus in the last dish of the night, wouldn't you?

Sure.

If you were the last person to order, they'd just bring you out the baby Jesus.

Well, but you,

hmm.

But

here's the thing.

Again, if you don't know, you just know that one time of night, someone's getting a free meal.

It could have been buried in the ice in your shrimp cocktail.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There you go.

Baby Jesus there.

Yeah.

And before we read your order back to you, what's healthy old man getting for dessert?

Healthy old man is getting a dark chocolate.

He's just going to have a bite of it.

It's going to be a cake.

Not going to be too, too decadent.

Probably

it will be,

hmm, trying to think of what he would really want.

You know what?

Actually, I'm going to go back and say, like, old man,

a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Just ate a plain scoop of vanilla.

And he'd be going, oh, I'm being so bad.

Yeah, I'm being real.

I'll just say that, yeah.

Okay, so I'm going to read your order back to you now.

Yes.

See how you feel about it.

You would like sparkling water to start off with.

Fresh, hot, fluffy bread with salted butter behind the curtains.

You want them to be unveiled by a bread guy.

Your starter is the steak sandwich from Shima in Tokyo.

Birthday sushi from Main Course from Sato in LA.

Yes.

Your side dish, massive salad bar from Fogga de Chow.

Yes.

Drink a vanilla milkshake from McConnell's.

Yes.

Santa Barbara.

And your dessert, you would just like yellow cake.

Yellow cake.

No baby Jesus in that yellow cake.

Yellow cake.

No baby Jesus.

Hold the baby Jesus.

That should be how you have to order all food.

Hold the baby Jesus, please.

I thought it was delicious.

Yeah, I'm very happy.

This is a great

way to kind of look at all the weird things.

I don't know how it makes a great meal, but I'm very happy.

You stuck to your highbrow, lowbrow.

Yeah, I did, yeah.

Yeah, for sure.

Thanks so much for coming in, Paul.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Paul.

Thank you, Paul Scheer, for that wonderful menu.

Can't thank you enough, Paul Scheer.

That was a delicious menu.

And also, thank you to the healthy old man.

Thank you so much to the healthy old man.

What a great menu for that guy as well.

Yeah, yeah, fantastic.

Hopefully, we'll be able to, on social media, share with you the pictures of the healthy old man.

And hopefully, during the episode, you all googled baby Jesus cake and stuff like that in the King Baby.

Yeah.

And you got to see all that kind of stuff.

And

if you haven't, I mean, that'll be all over social media.

I mean, I'm sure the no context off menu will just tweet a picture of that baby in the cake.

Yeah.

Horrible.

And a picture of the healthy old man.

Hopefully they'll be able to find a picture of the healthy old man.

And he didn't say the secret ingredient, luckily.

Very glad because, you know, really, liquid smoke.

I want to say we were playing with fire there.

We were playing with liquid fire, you know what I mean?

But

it was a possible one.

It was possible.

Neither Paul or the healthy old man had liquid smoke.

Healthy old man would never have the liquid smoke.

No, no, no.

Not adding that to his green juice.

No, absolutely.

He loves green juice.

So check out all of Paul's stuff.

Like I say, he does a brilliant podcast called How Do This Get Made.

It's very, very funny.

It's one of my favorite podcasts.

So go and listen to that.

Big shout out to the Earwolf people for letting us use their studio.

Yes, thank you.

It was a lovely plush studio.

We've been recording a lot of these while we've been in LA in our Airbnb, which is a grotty little hole.

Yes.

Also, they've got a very fancy photography room at the Earwolf studio.

So in case any of you have seen the Twitter for this and seen the photo and be like, what the?

This podcast is going up in budget?

No, it's not.

there's there's we've recorded two episodes there and they all they both have that amazing photo but that will never be to be repeated back to the regular horrible faded little polaroid shits that benito does with his phone awful photos that he takes that were getting fired from uh from any attenborough documentary if he was on the crew somehow takes photos with an iphone and makes them look like haunted victorian portraits yeah it's all those all those adverts aren't they sometimes about oh this was shot on an iphone check this out they go don't use use Bonito's handiwork, I tell you that much.

People will be buying Samsung's instantly.

Well, thank you very much for listening, and thank you to Paul Scheer.

Check out all our social media at OfMenyofficial on Instagram and Twitter and of MenyPodcast.co.uk on the internet.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Hello, it's Harry Hill here and I'm recording this trailer for my new podcast, Harry Hill's Noise.

Basically, it's a half hour of ambient sound and then at some point during the podcast, I make a noise.

Now,

when you're listening to it, you'll forget that I'm about to make a noise

and you'll get lulled into it and then I'll make the noise and it'll be really funny.

I mean, it doesn't sound like a regular podcast, does it?

But

believe me,

you're going to really love it.

So, why don't you subscribe

now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and ACAST?

It's called Harry Hill's Noise, and it's coming soon.

Oh, hello, it's Amy Gladhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September at 7 p.m.

at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickity click click.

London, we're coming.