Ep 88: Mae Martin

Speaker 1 Oh no, it's James A Caster from the Off Menu Podcast, the podcast that you are listening to, and I have some news. I am going on tour round America, North America,

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Speaker 1 Welcome to the off-menu podcast, Falling Off the Bone and Into Your Ears.

Speaker 1 Yes, that's Ed Gamble talking to you there. Yes, hello, James A.
Castor. How are you? Good, thank you, Ed.
I liked the idea of the falling off the bone and into your ears. I like that.

Speaker 1 Would you eat something with your ears if you could?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I would actually. It'd be quite nice.
Just hold a dish up to your ear like a telephone and let your ears munch away at it. But then where would it come out?

Speaker 1 oh your nose oh i wouldn't really like that part i wouldn't like that i didn't have to hover your head over the loo yeah yeah not into that part anyway this is a food podcast where we have a special guest on and this one is recorded over zoom it's home cooking home cooking week and what do we ask them james their favorite ever starter main course dessert side dish and drink and this week's guest is

Speaker 1 May Martin.

Speaker 1 It's series five and what a way to start. It's Mae Martin.
She's absolutely brilliant. Comedian, writer, actor.
Her brand new show, Feel Good, is available now on all four and worldwide on Netflix.

Speaker 1 So exciting. She's always been a brilliant comedian, and people are absolutely lapping up this new show.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I watched all of it during like sort of the early. I remember it came out really early in the lockdown, and I just ate it all up into my ears.
Nama, Nama, Nama.

Speaker 1 Like a buffet, which is interesting because it also has Lisa Koudreau in it, who is Phoebe Buffet. So everything all links up and back to food.
Can't be coincidence.

Speaker 1 So if Mace has a secret ingredient, she is out of here. That's the way we do things at the Dream Restaurant.
It's your dream until it's your nightmare.

Speaker 1 And we have one ingredient that we hate that if she brings it up, we will kick her out. And this week, the secret ingredient is shrimp-flavored primula.
Shrimp-flavored primula.

Speaker 1 That tube cheese spread,

Speaker 1 which, you know, has its place, but not the shrimp flavor. What the hell are people doing? Oh, no, thank you.

Speaker 1 I mean, yeah, like you say, Ed, it's got its place, but what, but I don't think the shrimp flavour has its place. Fishy cheese doesn't.
Down the toilet. Yeah, no way.

Speaker 1 If you're just a tube of that shrimp-flavoured primula, just open up the toilet and empty it all in there. And certainly don't eat it with your ears.
No. Even though it's in the perfect tube.

Speaker 1 to eat it with your ears. To be fair, if you are eating stuff into your ears, then it is probably probably quite good to just get something tubed and get it right in there.

Speaker 1 Benito's just letting us know that

Speaker 1 it's called Cheese and Prawns is the official title. Cheese and Prawns Primula.
And he sent us a link. I can't believe that it's actually still a thing

Speaker 1 because I remember it from my youth.

Speaker 1 No, there it is. Cheese and prawns, perfectly cheesy with proper prawns.
A flavor combination we've been told shouldn't work, but just does. Don't believe us, give it a try.

Speaker 1 I'm going to say don't give it a try because it doesn't work. We've been told shouldn't work.
Yeah, you have been told that. Yeah, time and time again.
And we're telling you again.

Speaker 1 So, if May picks cheese and prawns primula, she's gone. Sorry, May.
Sorry, May. Hopefully, she won't know because she's very good.

Speaker 1 So, without further ado, here is the off-menu menu of May Martin.

Speaker 1 Welcome, May Martin, to the Dream Restaurant.

Speaker 5 Thank you so much for having me.

Speaker 1 Whoa, what is it? Welcome, May Martin, to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

Speaker 5 Was I late? I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a good point. You have added this, we've been expecting you for some time.
Relatively recently, I'd say. You don't say it every time.
And it does. It deliberately is pretty aggressive.

Speaker 5 It's passive aggressive is what it is.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I should explain.

Speaker 1 Since the dawn of time,

Speaker 1 it has been foretold who will come to the dream restaurant. And I've always known, I know all the guests will ever be on it already.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so that's what I mean, is that even since before May's birth, we were expecting May in the dream restaurant. That is some time.
There's no tardiness.

Speaker 5 When I was just a twinkle in my mother's eye.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Does your mum have twinkly eyes? Um, yeah, very.
She sounds like a genie as well.

Speaker 5 Yeah, she may have been. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If your mother could grant you free wishes, what would you want them to be? If you would ask free free wishes of your mother? Ooh.

Speaker 5 Specifically. Oh, I'd like her to forget some things I've done.

Speaker 5 If she could just put out of her mind some of the sort of traumatic episodes of my adolescence, that'd be good.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Just choose three of those.

Speaker 5 Yeah, maybe trick her into thinking I have a PhD.

Speaker 1 So your wishes for your mother would be to just like mess with her mind, right?

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make myself look better by...
totally deceiving her. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's fair enough. I enjoy that.
Now, we always ask, does your mother have twinkly eyes? But that's the only time it's never felt creepy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We always ask, does your mother have twinkly eyes? And we always ask, how's your little clay man?

Speaker 5 Oh, thank you so much for asking. He's really well.
He's on the shelf behind me there. I don't know if you can see.

Speaker 1 I'm going to need some background. No, I don't think so.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 5 basically in lockdown,

Speaker 5 the only creative thing I've done in lockdown is I bought some clay online and I made a little clay man.

Speaker 5 And then as soon as I built him, I became kind of obsessed with whether he was a benevolent or a malevolent energy in the flat.

Speaker 5 And, like, I wanted to destroy him at one point, but I was like, then I'll be cursed. So, I've kept him.
He's up back there.

Speaker 1 So, you've come around to the clay man now. You think he's a benevolent force?

Speaker 5 It's more like I'm stuck with him now.

Speaker 5 Whatever his influence is, he's here now.

Speaker 1 Well, also, just to let you know that for the podcast, when we ask you what you want for each course, we'll also be double-checking what the clay man will be having.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, ask what the little clay man wants. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When you say you'd be cursed,

Speaker 1 why is that?

Speaker 5 There's something about, I really anthropomorphize objects and things, and especially if you've created a man from clay, like some kind of God, and then it seems

Speaker 5 dangerous to destroy him. I don't know.
He seems, I could show him to you, but I think you've seen him. He's

Speaker 5 he looks real, you know.

Speaker 5 I don't know. I don't know.
I just don't want to risk it. It's like, it's the same way, like, on my deathbed, I wouldn't say, like, oh, I don't believe in God.
Like, just I don't want to risk it.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you know, so I don't want to destroy the clayman just on the off chance that he comes alive at night.

Speaker 1 Isn't there more of a risk of him coming alive at night if you don't destroy him?

Speaker 5 Yeah, that's a really good point. That's a really good point.

Speaker 1 So, what you so maybe just take his legs off or something?

Speaker 5 That's a good idea. That best of both worlds.
He's still, yeah, best of both worlds.

Speaker 1 Maim the clayman, maim him, yeah, dismember him. Maim Martin.
Yeah, I was just about to do that. Damn it.

Speaker 5 That's my wrestling name.

Speaker 1 Ed's a bit hungover today. Usually, I wouldn't have got in there first.

Speaker 5 What What were you doing last night?

Speaker 1 Drinking alcohol. Right.

Speaker 1 I went to meet my friend, and I'd not seen him in a long time. And apparently, that was an excuse to drink an obscene amount of red wine and then sort of waddle home.

Speaker 1 And I can't do it anymore. I just can't do it.
So today has been an absolute write-off. But luckily, I allowed it to be a write-off because I knew we were interviewing you later.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I'll try and get over this hangover and I will have achieved something. Yeah.
Unfortunately, I've not got over the hangover. And I apologise in advance for not getting in there quicker

Speaker 5 with Maim Martin.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I was thinking about it as Mame Artin.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah, Maim Artin. Yeah, of course.
That's right.

Speaker 1 It's already in your name.

Speaker 5 Yeah, Maim Artin.

Speaker 1 I like it. Also, a little clay man figure is a form of art.
So Mame Artin

Speaker 1 works. Yeah.

Speaker 5 And maybe that would be my sort of wrestling technique would be dismembering people and being like, I made you and I can break you.

Speaker 1 Something like that.

Speaker 1 Just grabbing them and asking them if they're malevolent or benevolent or

Speaker 1 even say them though. Yeah.
Yeah. I would like that if a vessel was asking that as a question.
Yeah. Are you malevolent or benevolent? Tell me! Friend or foe.

Speaker 1 You ask the crowd, you're like, what do we reckon? Malevolent or benevolent? And if they shout malevolent, you break their legs off.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No legs.

Speaker 5 And if they're benevolent, what do I do? Just like kiss them or something?

Speaker 1 Yeah, give them a little kiss. Put them on a shelf.

Speaker 1 You put them on the turnbuckle like it's a shelf, so you display them. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Still a sparkling water, mate.

Speaker 5 Still.

Speaker 5 100% still, no question. If I wanted salty water, I'd have a drink of bodily fluid, you know?

Speaker 1 No. Do you speak to every waiter like this?

Speaker 5 I'm right that it's a bit salty, right?

Speaker 1 I think some of them are.

Speaker 1 I'd certainly, I mean, shout out to Badois, one of my favorite sparkling waters. That's definitely got a

Speaker 1 salty tang on the back of the palate. I'm into that, though.
And I wouldn't drink a bodily fluid

Speaker 1 to replace that. I'd stick with the water.

Speaker 5 Yeah, that's fair.

Speaker 5 No, I'm going to go cool, crystal, clear. I just, I, um,

Speaker 5 my friend drove to France one time and we went in a mountain stream and drank like, it was just bursting out of the mountain.

Speaker 1 It was ice cold, it was clear, and we just drank it straight from the mountain that's what i want really now when you say you and your friend i'm imagining the clay in france with the little clay yeah yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 it can't really go in the water

Speaker 5 but he would he's the kind of guy that would know where the mountain streams were though yeah

Speaker 1 listen i know where a really great stream is ice cold water is going to be great i cannot go in the water with you i can't stress that enough so i'll give you directions but once we get to the stream you're on your own now i'll watch from the car i really there is something

Speaker 5 he's driving there's something really magical about um drinking water straight from the source like i have the same thing oh yeah i really have this fantasy about eating a piece of fruit off the tree while it's still growing like take a bite of an apple that's still growing from the tree because i feel like you get more nutrients somehow so when you say still growing you can like see that it's attached like it's like midway through its growth so you're like basically plucking an apple that's going through puberty is that fair yeah eating a pubescent apple yeah

Speaker 5 yeah or just that it's still attached it's still um sucking those nutrients out of the ground and i'm just eating it so you're making sure it's still on the branch and you're just freehand yeah are you steadying it with one hand or are you just just the just the face going for it so reverse bobbing for apples yes yeah

Speaker 1 what would that be called flobbing for apples yeah oh he is he is hungover

Speaker 1 Listen to that.

Speaker 1 Flopping for apples. Oh, no.
Come on. We're all riffing here.
It's a low point on the podcast. Flopping for apples.

Speaker 1 I liked it. I'm sorry that had to happen during your episode, mate.

Speaker 1 Flopping for apples. The thing is, sometimes James just comes after me for what I consider to be no reason.
And I'm going to get loads of shit about that on Twitter for ages about flopping for apples.

Speaker 1 Yes. If I'm honest, my only motivation for doing it was because I know he'll get loads of shit about it.

Speaker 5 You should never have admitted you're hungover.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I really shouldn't have done. That was my mistake.
Although, to be fair,

Speaker 1 there's a run of about three podcasts where James is hungover, and we really didn't let him get away with it. So it's absolutely fair enough.
Okay, good.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Would an apple be the dream fruit to do that with? Because I'm thinking I might like to do that with a peach.

Speaker 5 I'm so glad you said that. That's as we were going with the apple thing.
In my head, I was thinking, is it too late to say, I don't want an apple, I want a peach?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Peach or a, I mean, a pear, maybe, but it's too hard. I think a peach or like a mango.
Oh, my God. Imagine a mango.

Speaker 1 Fuck. But with the mango, if it's still attached, are you just biting in through the skin or are you like getting a knife involved in the situation?

Speaker 5 I guess I'm going through the skin, but I heard about a guy. I heard about a guy who

Speaker 5 ate oranges with the peel. Really? Take a bite out of a clementine

Speaker 5 and chew up the peel. Now, I'm going to need a few.

Speaker 1 few more bits of information. Where did you hear about this guy?

Speaker 5 I think this was a friend of mine said that his grandpa used to do it it or something but yeah you're right it's hearsay it's hearsay the problem is every time you say you're friend

Speaker 1 he whispers it in your ear while you're asleep

Speaker 1 just trying to work out what the clay man's granddad looks like now me too and he's eating oranges he's yeah well i think that sound i think we can definitely get you the water from the source yeah you can definitely have that exact water that you drank in France from.

Speaker 1 Was it a waterfall?

Speaker 5 No, it was a running stream. Like it had, it had almost rapids in it.
Like it was running quite quickly, the water, and it was ice, ice cold.

Speaker 5 And I didn't, if I'm being honest, see the exact source springing out of the mountain, but it was like, it tasted amazing. Probably full of bacteria.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 It's great to have done that. How old were you?

Speaker 5 It was a couple of years ago. So now I'm 12, so I was 10.

Speaker 5 That's I was like 30.

Speaker 1 I love it. Yeah.
Hey, you do that, mate. Oh, I do that.
I've only done, I've done something similar once in

Speaker 1 the Yorkshire Dales. We stumbled across a little stream and I filled my water bottle up from there and frolicked around in the stream for a while.
It really is delicious.

Speaker 1 But then I was like frolicking with bare feet and then drinking the water. And then I realized I'm basically drinking my own bath water at this point.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You need to get it when it's like gushing out of the mountain, right, rather than the sort of stagnant water around you. But it really is a great experience.

Speaker 1 I think, I think this is my favorite water choice ever because you've got it's the freshest water available, so fresh, and maybe it's like on a full moon that you're drinking it too.

Speaker 5 I don't know, there's some added magical element.

Speaker 1 I feel like

Speaker 5 when you drink it,

Speaker 5 then you're instantly you've prolonged your life by at least six months. That's how I felt when I drank it.
I was like, I'm going to live a bit longer having done that, you know.

Speaker 1 Do you want fountain of youth water?

Speaker 5 Ooh, Ooh, no, I don't want to stick the world's bad. I don't want it.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And actually, we've already had one person choose that weirdly. Really?

Speaker 1 An absolute idiot.

Speaker 1 We had someone choose that once. Yeah, and I don't want to...

Speaker 5 I was a mess in my 20s. I don't want to be back there.
I'm good. I want to.
If I could have a fountain of like stopping time, I don't want to go backwards. I just want to arrest time.

Speaker 1 That would be good. Why has no one done that as a film or a team? Has anyone done that?

Speaker 5 Arresting Time Fountain.

Speaker 1 Just somebody who just

Speaker 1 to stop time and stay at what age?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that would be good. Peter Pan.
Should we do that?

Speaker 5 Yeah, Peter Pan. Yeah, it's Peter Pan.
Just, yeah.

Speaker 1 The boy that was.

Speaker 1 Vampires. Yeah.
Low.

Speaker 1 Vampires as well.

Speaker 5 Twilight.

Speaker 1 The list goes on, I guess. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you want us to get a bottle and fill it up from there and bring it to the dream restaurant? Or do you want us to get like a pickaxe and divert the stream straight into the restaurant?

Speaker 5 I'd like you to divert the stream so that if I want to refill, I can just reach down and dip my glass in to the bubbling brook.

Speaker 1 Bubbling.

Speaker 5 Babbling brook. Yeah.
Yeah. You want it to be babbling.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You've got to have that.
Do you want it to be babbling? Is there such a thing as too much babble though for a brook?

Speaker 5 Definitely. If you're having to shout to be heard.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what river I'd like to drink from?

Speaker 5 What's that?

Speaker 1 The chocolate river in Willy Wonka's factory. Oh my god.

Speaker 5 I love that.

Speaker 1 Of course you're the guy who watches Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and doesn't take any of the life lessons from it, just focuses on the chocolate.

Speaker 5 Yeah, and the things you want to steal from the factory.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. Like you've watched that.
You've ignored that someone falls in that and gets sucked up a big tube. You're just like, well, of course I'm going to do exactly the same thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Completely empathise with him. Don't blame him for doing it.

Speaker 1 You're a kid. You go straight into a room where you can eat everything.
There's a chocolate river. Of course you're going to keep on drinking it.

Speaker 5 What kind of chocolate do you think that is?

Speaker 1 is it in your mind like chocolate milk like drinking chocolate or is it like a thick like viscous uh dark chocolate like what do you want it to be very good question because in the film it looks like it is chocolate milk yeah it does but i would find it more irresistible if it was just melted yeah chocolate thick like i remember going to like this jamie oliver cafe near my house once and it didn't last long this place it was like open for like a couple of months and shut shut down.

Speaker 1 And I got a hot chocolate, not knowing that the Jamie Oliver hot chocolates are just chocolate bars melted down really hot in a mugger.

Speaker 1 And it was one of those things where I was instantly excited, and then immediately before I even had a sip, regretted it and thought

Speaker 1 this is going to make me feel so bad afterwards. Yeah.
I just walked around thinking, right, I've got to get a gym membership.

Speaker 1 I've got to start doing exercise because that chocolate, just the opposite of your water from I was like, that's years off my life. Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 5 It's just filled up all your veins inside it.

Speaker 1 I can feel everything moving slower. Yeah.
What's the name of that place? There's a place in Fitzrovia that we went to, James.

Speaker 1 Do you remember that does those hot chocolates that are just melted chocolate? And I think you had the same reaction to that where you had one of those.

Speaker 1 And I think you went and got tested for type 2 diabetes immediately afterwards. Yeah, I do remember it.
I can't remember what it was called. It was, it was delicious.

Speaker 1 And sometimes there, you can get mugs made of chocolate, right?

Speaker 5 Yeah, you can. Yeah.
That sounds good to me.

Speaker 1 Well, wait, does it?

Speaker 5 It might be too much, you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah. It is almost too much, I think, when you like drink all of the chocolate and you're like, I'm really full.
And then you're like, no, I've got to eat them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 I went to a gay bar once where there was a chocolate fountain in the middle of the gay bar. And it was like, it was like a Saturday night at 1 a.m.
and all these sweaty bodies everywhere.

Speaker 5 And then they had this horrible chocolate fountain. It's like, why have you done that? Like, no one wanted it.

Speaker 1 It's a good idea in principle. It's like, what's the most extravagant thing we could put in the middle of this bar?

Speaker 1 But in reality, vodka luge, fine. Chocolate fountain, absolutely not.

Speaker 5 Everyone covered in sticky chocolate? No, disgusting. Yeah, not fair.

Speaker 1 I'm surprised that at some point you didn't turn around to look at the fountain and I was just standing there with my mic.

Speaker 1 Hi, bye.

Speaker 1 2 a.m. That was a delicious chocolate.

Speaker 5 You would have been the person I would least expect to bump into in that scenario.

Speaker 1 Don't think you're here.

Speaker 1 Hold on to our bread. Oh, fuck.
Bread. Bread.

Speaker 1 There was a moment where you were like, oh, no. But then you were pretty much straight onto bread.

Speaker 5 Because I thought about the question today, and I waited up and I was really going back and forth.

Speaker 5 And then I said to myself, after hours of going over it, I was like, I'm just going to have to go with when he says it, what comes to my mind.

Speaker 5 And I really thought bread only because of the butter and... like a toasty baguette and there's there's few things nicer than that.

Speaker 1 Would it be a baguette then? It's like the type of bread we're going for?

Speaker 5 Yeah, we're going baguette, like warm, crusty on that, you know, the huge, crusty on the outside, soft in the middle, nice butter.

Speaker 1 Now, if it's all about the butter, really, have you ever considered spreading a butter on some poppadoms?

Speaker 5 Ooh, that doesn't appeal to me. I think with the poppadom, you could dip it in a nice, like, writer or a mango chutney, but no, a buttered popadom.
I don't think so.

Speaker 1 I'll be honest, mate, even as I said it, I knew it was a bad idea.

Speaker 5 I know.

Speaker 1 I thought I'd cracked cracked it. I was like,

Speaker 1 we've never said this. We've done so many episodes of this podcast, and no one's ever picked buttered poppadoms.
And I'm going to say it, and it's going to blow people's minds.

Speaker 1 And then I got halfway through saying it, and I thought it sounds absolutely disgusting. And I'm sorry.
That's okay. I don't know.
If there was like a fondue bowl of melted butter

Speaker 1 and I could get a warm pop-a-dom and dip it, submerge it fully, and then bring it out again. I know a gay bar that would be willing to put that in the middle of their.

Speaker 1 Also, you mentioned butter there.

Speaker 1 you like to have butter straight from the source and

Speaker 5 when it's not yet matured aka milk from the teeth no no i would not but i i did when i was a kid i went on a um school trip to like it was called pioneer village and it was you go back in time to this house that's meant to be from whenever i didn't pay attention really to the details but um we churned our own butter and that was cool and yeah freshly churned would be good and i like the process of of churning, so I might have my fresh water and then be like, Can I churn?

Speaker 5 Can I churn the butter? Yeah, and see if you guys would let me churn it myself.

Speaker 1 Will you be wearing medieval clothes?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I'll be wearing like a smock

Speaker 1 tunic. I mean, now you've said the fresh water from the source, it doesn't seem logical to not have everything

Speaker 1 from the source and fresh on your menu.

Speaker 5 I know, like, obviously, if you're gonna have a fish, you want it straight out of the sea.

Speaker 1 Freshly baked baguette? Yep. You don't want to have to get like the wheat from the field or whatever, do you? You can take it too far.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you can take it too far. There's a limit, definitely.
Like, yeah, I don't want the milk from the teat. I want to churn the butter.

Speaker 1 I do have an image of you as a school child on that school trip arriving, and then they're churning the butter, and you just break away from the pack and run and start, while they're churning, just stick your head in there and start drinking it.

Speaker 1 And they're like, May, stop it. She always wants it straight from the source.
Sorry, we can't.

Speaker 1 Stop flopping that cream. Flobbing?

Speaker 5 Is that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what Ed said earlier.

Speaker 1 Flopping for apples. Yeah.
Flobbing for apples, flopping for butter. I'm glad that's come back.

Speaker 5 When you used to go on school trips, would you get I would get absolutely manic. Like, I think I was probably a nightmare.

Speaker 5 Just the excitement of leaving the school, I would just be so manic and just like trying to be Ace Ventura the whole time.

Speaker 1 But is it doing impressions?

Speaker 5 Yeah, and just being like, hey, everybody, I'm look at me.

Speaker 1 And yeah,

Speaker 5 volunteering for any activity.

Speaker 1 And yeah.

Speaker 1 I think I would have been a nightmare i think i was just um looking for opportunities to smoke cigarettes to be honest yeah so anytime the teachers weren't there be running off trying to smoke a cigarette i bought a ninja star when we were in france really a ninja star did you manage to get it back to england yeah i mean amazingly there were some uh some of the kids mums were there to volunteer to look after the kids uh on the trip because there's only a couple of teachers there um and my friend's mum took it off my hands and helped me smuggle it back onto the ferry cool mum

Speaker 1 Really cool mum. My mum's slightly less cool when she found out I had a ninja star and confiscated it because I nearly killed a neighbor.

Speaker 5 Was it really sharp?

Speaker 1 Oh yeah, it worked. Fuck.
I used to go to the back of the garden and throw it into the tree and stuff and pretend I was a ninja.

Speaker 5 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 It went over the back wall and nearly landed on a neighbor. So he was like...

Speaker 5 In a neighbor.

Speaker 1 In it, nearly landed in the neighbor. So he was like,

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, I've got to give this to your mum. And my mum confiscated it.
Fuck.

Speaker 5 My brother's really into swords and stuff and rare blades.

Speaker 5 Yeah, and he makes his own chain mail and stuff. And he knows all about swords.
Yeah,

Speaker 5 sometimes when my parents would go out, and you know, when you're a kid, you convince yourself someone's breaking into the house? Or we used to. We'd be like,

Speaker 5 I heard a noise. My brother would always go get his sword.

Speaker 1 Stay in bed, everyone. I'll take care of this.

Speaker 1 Could your brother make a little tiny set of chain mail for you, know-hoo? Oh my god. Yes,

Speaker 1 come to your starter dish.

Speaker 5 Okay, I am nervous because I, like I said before, I know your fans are very rabid, and I don't want to, I don't know, I don't want to be judged for my choices, but I tried to think, what do I genuinely want?

Speaker 5 I'm not trying to sound cool. I just, this is what I want.
And it's a dish that I've

Speaker 5 concocted that's

Speaker 5 kind of inspiring.

Speaker 5 It's called a cornucopia of shrimp, but it's inspired by,

Speaker 5 actually, a lot of my best culinary experiences, weirdly, James, were on that like one day in Sydney

Speaker 5 when we were on tour and we had these amazing, like

Speaker 5 on a yacht, had these prawns with the watermelon, but they were just huge, fresh prawns.

Speaker 5 I love, you guys say prawns. I'm going to say shrimp moving forward.

Speaker 1 Shrimp sounds better, to be fair. Yeah, yeah.
I've always thought that. Yeah.

Speaker 5 So it's like shrimp three ways, the starter. So it's like shrimp dumplings, shrimp tempura, and just just like a shrimp cocktail with loads of that red sauce.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 And yeah, I feel like it's a gross thing to just want to eat so many shrimp, but I'm just going to embrace it.

Speaker 1 I think, oh, no, that's that sounds amazing. You're going to get no rabid responses from anyone over that.
I think that's an absolutely solid gold winner. Also, yes, you want to eat loads of shrimp.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't think you can get full on shrimp.

Speaker 5 No, and different sauces for each thing, right? The dumplings have a little soya thing.

Speaker 5 The tempura have like maybe a mayonnaise, like a some kind of flavored mayonnaise, and then just those jumbo prawns. Um,

Speaker 5 because also in Sydney, I think we went to a dumpling restaurant that was also very famous and good, and I ended up that day was great. Soup-filled dumplings or something, yeah, fuck, that was good.

Speaker 1 That's a good day. I'm really glad you brought that day up as well.

Speaker 1 So, I was hoping going into this, I was like, I might have to really at some point, I've got to bring up the prawn platter that we had. Um,

Speaker 1 but you beat me to it.

Speaker 5 It was a combination of like where we were in this hot sun on this boat,

Speaker 5 the food itself, just I've never seen prawn so big. And so

Speaker 1 how big are we talking?

Speaker 5 I mean, they were like mini lobsters almost. Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 I have a long-running sort of mind game, just somewhere where I go in my mind a lot. And I used to talk, when I told Greg Davis, we used to talk about this a lot, imagining.

Speaker 1 a prawn the size of a turkey and you carve it like a turkey. Oh, I love that.
And we used to, we used to call it the prawn key. And

Speaker 1 in our, in the story of it, it was invented by like a James Bond villain, like a mad scientist. He'd be like, I've invented a prawn the size of a turkey.

Speaker 1 And then James Bond would be like, okay, well, why am I here?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 that's it. That's all I've done.
The prawn key. And you can take big slices off it.

Speaker 5 That sounds so good to me. That texture.
You can't beat that texture.

Speaker 1 How often would you and Greg talk about the prawn key?

Speaker 1 Regularly, we were talking about the prawn key. Not just once.

Speaker 1 In fact, wait, wait there. Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 It's going away.

Speaker 5 I always think about

Speaker 5 what the biggest of each species of animal is.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Ever recorded. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, absolutely. I'd love to know.

Speaker 5 Biggest recorded shrimp. I'd love to know.

Speaker 1 We would talk about it a lot. And within the little act out,

Speaker 1 it was called Dr. Prawn Guff was the name of the doctor.
And then he'd talk about it. He'd go, I've invented a prawn the size of a turkey.
And then James Bond would go, and what is your plan?

Speaker 1 And then he'd go, no plan.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 So you did that every time. Yeah.
No plan. So every time you were talking about the prawn key, you'd do that little act out first where he says, I've invented a prawn, the size of a turkey.

Speaker 1 He said, what's your plan? No plan. That's always what you'd do, the two of us.

Speaker 1 And we talked about it on the DVD commentary for his DVD. And someone

Speaker 1 knitted us, did a cross stitch

Speaker 1 of some prawns saying, no plan, with prawn guff underneath it. That's amazing.

Speaker 5 So if anyone was just thinking of doing that, no, it's already been done. Yeah, don't do that.

Speaker 1 Already got that cross stitch, so you're going to have to do me one of the little clay man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe that day when we had all that food,

Speaker 1 what did you have at the. There was an ice cream sandwich place that we went to.
And I think I bought up the ice cream sandwich that I had before.

Speaker 1 So I had coconut ice cream with banana bread as the instead of cookies either side and some dark chocolate sauce on it. And it was so good.

Speaker 1 And I can't remember if you had an ice cream sandwich or if I was the only one and everyone was standing around waiting for me.

Speaker 5 No, I did almost certainly. And

Speaker 5 I think it had

Speaker 5 like a peanut butter cookie involved. I think it may have been a peanut butter cookie sandwich with just vanilla ice cream inside.

Speaker 5 I think that's, yeah, coconut I'm allergic to. So

Speaker 1 just

Speaker 5 so you know.

Speaker 5 In case there's any contamination, cross-contamination in the kitchen of this restaurant.

Speaker 1 Are you allergic to nuts and coconut or is it just coconut?

Speaker 5 It's just coconut. And to be fair, I've never been tested, but I think I am.

Speaker 5 Or I might just not like it. But whenever I eat it, I get like really bad stomach pain and quite like red in my face.
It's weird. It's a weird reaction.

Speaker 1 Do you think it's are you allergic to like tropical things in general?

Speaker 5 Yeah, kiwis, I think, also give me a weird feeling. Lilt.
But it's all very, this is all very like nebulous. Like it's a, it gives me a weird feeling.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 So you got the cornucopia of shrimp. What order are you eating this in? Are you one at a time? Are you going all over the place?

Speaker 1 Is there one of the shrimp that you would never follow with another one of the shrimp?

Speaker 5 I think I'm gonna go tempura dumpling. And all I know is I want to finish with the fresh prawn from the boat in Sydney.
Yeah, because that was so it was almost a palate cleanser.

Speaker 5 It was so like juicy and fresh.

Speaker 1 It's watermelon shrimp and lime juice all over it wasn't it yeah

Speaker 1 but you never know if like there's some emotional reason why we're both so attached to that meal like i don't think you know we didn't know the guy that much for context ed yeah i i you've definitely talked to me before about the prawn and watermelon on the boat before i've definitely heard this story this is this and i'm really glad that may brought it up because i think for you james this story occupies quite an important emotional part of your brain yeah and if if if if May had not mentioned it and then you brought it up and she was like, oh, I don't remember me.

Speaker 1 No idea. I think you would have been absolutely destroyed.

Speaker 5 No, this the funny thing was that he was a heckler. He had heckled you the night before and then

Speaker 5 and it was this man in his 50s

Speaker 1 well he was asleep.

Speaker 5 Oh yeah he was asleep in the gig.

Speaker 1 So he was on the front low of the gig and he was asleep, this man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And we had all, I mean, I think I'm not doing any of us a disservice when I say this. So basically, it was the Sydney Arts Festival, and they were doing comedy there for the first time.

Speaker 1 Normally, it's art stuff. There's a Spiegel tent.
Every night, there's a mixed-build comedy show on, and it was May, myself, Josie Long, Sam Campbell, and Stephen Scopoulos. Great lineup.

Speaker 1 I don't think I'm doing any of us a disservice when I say that every night, apart from maybe one night, we died on our asses all.

Speaker 5 And without exception, all of us. It was

Speaker 5 because it's quite a heterogeneous mix of people. And then also the audience, it was in a tent.
They didn't know what they were. We bombed so much.

Speaker 1 So badly. And we couldn't figure it out.
There's one night where we all did well. And then for the rest of it, it was a nightmare.
Yeah. And that guy was asleep on the front row one night.

Speaker 1 And I kicked off about it. Yeah.
I was like, I cannot believe this shit. We're here dying every single night.
And now a guy's asleep. And then afterwards, he was like, sorry, you all died again.

Speaker 1 Sorry that I was asleep. Do you want to come on my yacht tomorrow? And we all just said yes.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 So I think only me, you and josie did it we went on the yacht and he had his wife in the galley making this meal and that was the only element of it that was a little bit like shady was that she she never emerged and when she did she feel like she was very like scuttly and kind of like oh i'm so sorry i'll just bring the food and disappear

Speaker 1 did she was she acting like it was quite normal that he'd invite invited loads of comedians from the previous night show onto the boat Yeah, kind of.

Speaker 5 She was sort of very meek, this woman.

Speaker 1 In my mind, he invited you onto the boat you all got on the boat and then he immediately fell asleep again

Speaker 1 i think he probably did fall asleep i mean

Speaker 1 he was pretty chilled i mean that's the reason why i think the food must have been amazing because we were excited to be on a yacht yeah sure first time on a yacht it's not like we were super best buds with this guy who'd fallen asleep at the gig the night before and his wife in the galley so like we didn't know them that well And we thought, oh, it's nice to be on a yacht.

Speaker 1 I think it's because,

Speaker 1 this is my take on it. When she bought up the platter of the prawns and the watermelon, I thought, this will be shit.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 it didn't look amazing. It did like, okay.

Speaker 5 It's been prepared. It's been prepared in a boat in a shitty little kitchen.
Yeah. But it was just the quality of the ingredients and the

Speaker 5 simplicity and

Speaker 5 just the lime juice or something and a glass of cold Prosecco.

Speaker 1 It was really nice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, it was really nice. I have Prosecco.

Speaker 1 So you saw that and you thought, this is going to be shit. That's exactly how the audience felt before your gigs in Sydney started.
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Speaker 1 So we come to your main course, mate. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is this from Sydney as well?

Speaker 5 It's inspired by uh it's it's not the meal but it's inspired by what steen cooked us um on that same culinary uh the adventure that we were on um it's i'm going with the very classic and i thought about more exciting choices and i just kept coming back to that i want a lamb roast with really good gravy and i want horseradish instead of mint sauce.

Speaker 1 That's a bit of a left turn for lamb.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 You're fucking with the program.

Speaker 5 I mean, I'll have mint sauce on the side

Speaker 1 i don't get bullied into having mint sauce mate

Speaker 5 you've made your horseradish bed i just want the lamb to be like falling off the bone you know because our our friend steen on that same trip made us a slow-cooked greek lamb dish that was like he cooks it overnight i think it's like just rosemary and garlic and i don't know why i haven't chosen that i think it's because i want i want a roast yeah I was very late to enjoying lamb.

Speaker 1 I think because like in England, it's not always done really well everywhere.

Speaker 1 But Australia and New Zealand absolutely knock you out of the park. It's incredible.

Speaker 5 Yeah, maybe I want it in New Zealand or something. Also, is this weird?

Speaker 5 The times I enjoy a roast the most is when I'm hungover. And so I kind of want to have a hangover for this meal.
Edge? Because you know what? Sunday roast, you're hungover. Yeah, Edge.

Speaker 1 Transfer your palace. That's fine.
Yeah, you can have some of this one.

Speaker 1 There's plenty to go around.

Speaker 5 Why is that?

Speaker 1 Hangovers just make it so satisfying you're hungry it comes to the table there's something quite yeah there's something quite warming and nostalgic about roast dinners i think as well and they make you feel safe i think that's kind of what you need in a hangover you don't need any sort of anything edgy yeah if you've got a hangover you want gravy and potatoes and i mean lamb is for me king king of the roast meats

Speaker 5 i agree and i want the potatoes with rosemary i want um

Speaker 5 oh this is a bit of a curveball i want cauliflower cheese

Speaker 1 where is the best cauliflower cheese you've had?

Speaker 5 I think in the 90s at home, I think my dad

Speaker 5 just would make a really

Speaker 5 cheap cheese as well. I like basic cheap children's food, basically.

Speaker 5 Did you guys know that my dad's a restaurant critic? That's his job. What? No.

Speaker 1 No. And that has come up in what I would say too late into the podcast.

Speaker 1 You should have opened with that. Yeah.

Speaker 5 He's a restaurant critic and a food and wine writer. And he wrote a book called The Man Who Ate Toronto.
And it's a picture of him eating Toronto on the cover.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 5 he, so in the 90s, we would go to all these, like we were so lucky because it was free food. And we'd go to these restaurants, but it was the 90s.

Speaker 5 So it was a lot of sun-dried tomatoes and Alfredo sauce. And

Speaker 1 yeah, a lot of garlic, like.

Speaker 5 heavy 90s kind of Italian food, but it was, it was great.

Speaker 1 That's amazing. I mean, we always get nervous when there's critics in the, in the dream restaurant, obviously.
But

Speaker 1 who have you had? We've had

Speaker 1 Grace Dent, Jay Rainey,

Speaker 1 the two most fearsome food critics. But as far as I'm aware, they've never eaten Toronto.

Speaker 5 Right, exactly. My dad used, he did one time an article where the premise of the article was that he'd go in disguise to the restaurant.

Speaker 5 So he put on the maddest disguise, just this crazy wig, and he looked like Austin Powers. And of course, it attracted way more attention than I am from.
It was this madman in full movie makeup.

Speaker 1 We have not asked you what the little clay man wants for starter or main course.

Speaker 5 Well, I'm hoping he doesn't eat like my hopes and dreams. And I hope he eats like normal foods.

Speaker 5 But he looks almost like he could eat worms or something. Like he's a bit like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
Like maybe he's sort of in a

Speaker 5 sunless cave and he's eating raw fish or something. But no, I think he'd want to eat, you know, a little cookie, cookie crumble or something.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 For all three. Basically, he's, if he's malevolent, he's eating worms.
And if he's benevolent, he's eating cookie crumble, did you say?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I don't know what that is.

Speaker 1 No, I don't know what that is either, but it sounds good. You've invented it.
Is it like an apple crumble, but replace

Speaker 1 replace the apples with cookies? Yeah, I guess so.

Speaker 5 I just thought of it, but yeah.

Speaker 1 That sounds amazing. That's not bad.

Speaker 5 I like that a lot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1 I think this lamb dish is unfoldable. You can't pick up any faults of it.
It's great. Thank you.

Speaker 5 It's about the gravy. It's about the sides.
The horseradish, I'm glad that you've gone along with that.

Speaker 1 Is that something you do? Just in life,

Speaker 1 you put horseradish with lamb. Yeah, do people give you a hard time for it?

Speaker 5 Sometimes you get a snarky waiter if you're having a pub roast and you've ordered the chicken or the lamb and you're like, can I have some horseradish on the side? And they're like,

Speaker 5 they give you a little look.

Speaker 5 But no, I would always order a side of horseradish. Yeah, defa.
I like a food that will clear my nasal passages.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm so on board with that, yeah.

Speaker 5 Wasabi, Seshwan.

Speaker 1 It's the only reason I get ramen is to completely empty my head.

Speaker 5 Actually, speaking of straight from the source, you could maybe grate like raw horseradish.

Speaker 1 Would that be cool? I don't know. Yeah, that'd be cool.
That's yeah, that's like wasabi is basically Japanese horseradish, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and you're supposed to have that straight from straight from the source. Yeah, we'll bring in a whole fresh horseradish and just grate it all over your lamb.

Speaker 5 When you guys were kids, were you the type of kid who would eat things as a dare, like eat really hot things things as a dare to be funny and stuff but of course I was yeah of course yeah me too like your ninja star eating wasabi yeah I used to eat wasabi or like spoonfuls of salt or things like anything to make try to impress people I don't know what would the reaction be what were you what were you feeding off of there babe well well you'll you'll know if you've done this that there's like a moment of a gratifying laugh or like, oh, this kid's wild.

Speaker 1 What a rebel.

Speaker 5 And then there's this long process of you being so nauseous and like trying to rinse your mouth out and kind of feeling quite sad and pathetic, sitting at the back of the bus, like burning.

Speaker 1 I used to do that far too late on in life as well. Like, I do, uh, you know, in pubs, I don't think they really do it anymore.
Maybe they do. They serve snacks in like pint glasses.

Speaker 1 They'll do like a pint of wasabi peas. Yeah.
I could like, I would try and chug a pint of wasabi peas quite often. Oh, the only difference being from what you were saying is that it was never a dare.

Speaker 1 I did it just off my own back.

Speaker 1 And it's horrible. It just makes you can feel it through your nose.
It really gets to your nose, doesn't it? You know, yeah. No dare.
Would you say that before you do it? No dare. No dare.

Speaker 1 Your side dish, May.

Speaker 5 I'm gonna have, please, lobster mac and cheese.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Big chunks of lobster.

Speaker 5 Lots of black pepper on top. Yeah, because it's rich.
You don't want a whole thing, you want a couple of big spoonfuls, I think.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'll agree with that. It's the kind of dish that you only want as a side dish, really.
I don't want it as a starter. No, that's gonna

Speaker 1 kill the rest of the meal. Yeah, yeah, don't want it as a main, I'll be sick.
Star dish is perfect.

Speaker 5 And I want it served in a nice little pot, like a little

Speaker 1 clay pot, maybe. I don't know.

Speaker 1 The poor clay man is gonna be that. That's my mother.

Speaker 1 What have they done to you? They've done you full of lobster and mac and

Speaker 1 I do. I might have said this on the podcast before.
I think I always like the idea of mac and cheese. And then when I'm actually eating it, it's never as good as I hope it could be.
Oh, interesting.

Speaker 1 I think it's always just,

Speaker 1 I just want, I want it to be cheesier and cheesier. I almost think that, yeah, I want melted cheese, really.
I want a river of melted cheese.

Speaker 5 Yeah, you want like a sharper cheese, maybe?

Speaker 1 I think so. But the lobster really helps, I think.

Speaker 5 Definitely. Maybe some breadcrumbs on top.

Speaker 1 I think I've talked about my favorite ever mac and cheese on the podcast before that I had at the wedding, and they put jalapenos in it.

Speaker 5 Oh, that sounds good. I can eat that forever.

Speaker 1 That was incredible. Benito's just said, Yes, you have.

Speaker 1 The bane of Benito's life is editing out things that we've already said on the podcast before, because I've definitely given my hot take on mac and cheese before as well.

Speaker 1 I've eaten lobster mac and cheese, perfect side dish. Again, I mean, I don't know why you were nervous.
You're nailing this sofa. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Thank you. I'm really pleased.

Speaker 1 Now we come to the drink where others have fallen down in the past. Famously, Joel Dominic with his protein shake.
Oh, come on.

Speaker 5 I'm going to go with, and it's so hard to choose a drink that would go with everything. So I kind of didn't think about that.
I just thought, what's my favorite drink?

Speaker 5 And I'm going with a classic whiskey soda. So a...
shot of Jameson.

Speaker 5 So I know I was down on soda water before, but soda water and fresh lime, very refreshing. I think I started drinking them because Jude Law drinks them in the talented Mr.
Ripley.

Speaker 5 And I was like, that guy's pretty cool. And then I'd sort of taught myself to like them.
And now it's all I can drink. Not during the day, but you know.

Speaker 1 Right. Let's say someone says to you, May Martin, for the rest of your life,

Speaker 1 you're only allowed to eat and drink what a certain character in a certain movie

Speaker 1 has.

Speaker 5 Yeah, this type of question fills me with such joy. This is great.

Speaker 1 So, the actor or a character?

Speaker 1 I'm trying to decide if it should be a specific character in one film or if it should be an actor and all the roles they've played, and you could only have what they've had throughout their whole career on screen.

Speaker 5 Because we know actors eat nothing, they eat boring shit.

Speaker 1 Sure, so you won't want to play an actor in real life. I think it has to be a character in a film, doesn't it?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I think so. I'm sure in The Godfather, they're eating some nice food sometimes

Speaker 5 in those restaurants, some nice big food. But I think I'm gonna oh, I said I like kid food before, so I'm

Speaker 5 I know the characters I don't want uh Rufio only eats paint or whatever

Speaker 1 imaginary paint imaginary food, yeah.

Speaker 5 Um the penguin eats eats raw fish

Speaker 5 I think I'm gonna go with in the movie Stand by Me that in the set in the 50s Favorite film, love it, but they're they just they buy like burger meat from the burger shop and they go make a fire in the woods and they they cook it over the fire and it just is very wholesome and and they talk a lot about pez they love cherry-flavored pez and it's just like kid food, but out in the woods, it's the whole environment.

Speaker 5 So I'm gonna go with I'm gonna go with that.

Speaker 1 But if I'll think about it and get back to you, it's a bit of a theme to some of some of your choices.

Speaker 1 You know, you're out in the woods, there's a babbling brook, you're cooking burger meat on a fire. It's a very sort of a natural outdoorsy way of approaching food.

Speaker 5 I'm Canadian, you know. A lot of my formative memories were in the woods, I think, in long summers.

Speaker 1 The true Canadian choice would, of course, be to eat like the mounty from Due South.

Speaker 5 Yeah, and he probably eats like moose or something.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think he eats moose. But then, of course, there's, is the other character called Ray Vecchio? Don't know where that's come from.
Sounds like someone else who eats paint.

Speaker 1 The New York crop, right? I think it's with the standby me thing is that you've also got to see a dead body at some point.

Speaker 5 Yeah, that's true. But, you know, I'm not a...
I'm not averse to it because it's a coming of age thing for them. I'm sure it would be for me as well.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes, the The other character in Due South is called Ray Vecchio. And that is, I can't believe I know that.
And that's one of those pieces of information when it pops up, you go, what

Speaker 1 space is that taking in my mind? What is not there that should be there that I know that there's a character in Due South called Ray Vecchio? I think that's a good answer to the standby me kids.

Speaker 1 I don't really know what I would

Speaker 1 think about sideways. I'd like to try all the wine they have in sideways.

Speaker 5 Yeah, they make it seem really good. But sometimes people who talk about wine are bullshitting a bit.

Speaker 1 And it would all be a bit samey after a while true if we can stretch it out to um tv characters if that's possible uh you mentioned the godfather mate made me think tony soprano

Speaker 1 the soprano's food i think is just incredible it looks so good

Speaker 5 i've never seen it but yeah yeah we've never seen it oh it's just a lot of amazing italian american food big things of like sharing pasta or yeah

Speaker 1 veal cutlet a lot of fried veal oh yeah delicious When I was a kid growing up, all my stories start with that phrase.

Speaker 5 When I was a kid, it's so embarrassing. Move on, you know?

Speaker 5 On the street I grew up, on the corner, there was a schnitzel restaurant. It said the best schnitzel in town.
And I never went there.

Speaker 5 It's not a good story, but I always thought about it.

Speaker 1 When did you start drinking these whiskey sodas? When did that become your drink? Would you say it's your drink?

Speaker 5 Yeah, definitely. I'd say around 20.

Speaker 5 Before that, it was just you know whatever like i didn't know my limits and when you're a teenager it's terrible there's um a beer in canada called they're called cold shots and it's like 10 beer and it tastes awful like garbage and um i would drink those in my teens a lot yeah about 20 years old i was like i'm a now i'm a big i'm a big man

Speaker 1 have some some whiskey sodas like dude it is funny how we get influenced by that sort of thing like i think i only started drinking whiskey because like because of mad men or because of it, like, cool people drink it in films.

Speaker 1 Totally. And I now like the taste, but I'm sure there was a moment where it's like, I'm just going to have to power through this because I want to look like Don Draper.

Speaker 5 Yeah, coffee's like that at first.

Speaker 1 Whiskey looks delicious in films before you've ever, ever tried it. It looks like it literally just a caramel drink that must taste like orange and caramel.

Speaker 1 Christmas oranges and caramel, just all in a glass.

Speaker 1 And then you have it for the first time. You're like, what the? Why are people drinking this? Yeah.
But then I had a Rob Roy.

Speaker 1 And I know I've definitely said this on the podcast before, Benito, before you say anything. But a Rob Roy to me tastes like how I imagined whiskey tasted like when I originally saw whiskey.

Speaker 5 What is it?

Speaker 1 A Rob Roy? Bitters, whiskey. Red remouve.

Speaker 1 I think that is all that's in there. But my own mind, when I discovered those, I was drinking them all the time.
Come home, shake one up, slurp it down.

Speaker 5 Would you really shake one up?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we had a cocktail. Well, my friends at the time, my flatmates, they would pop a series about cocktails.
So he made me one one night, a Rob Roy. I wanted to know how to make it.

Speaker 1 It's the easiest thing in the world. So I used their cocktail shaker when I got in from a gig.
Felt really great.

Speaker 1 I loved it. I loved shaking it up, pouring it out.
If you're drinking alone, is it more or less depressing when you use a cocktail shaker? Excellent question, Ed. More.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I think it's more. It's less cool and more depressing.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The more you do for the drink when you're by yourself, the more depressing it is. So if you like, then put an umbrella in it or a little sparkler or something.

Speaker 5 Yeah, a little cherry. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Oh, the sparkler's tragic.

Speaker 5 And like the lighter's not working and you keep trying.

Speaker 1 You're crying, you cry and it puts a sparkler out. Yeah, really depressing, actually.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's not great. I mean, yeah, I definitely, when I was doing the shaker and I was on my own, I didn't feel brilliant.
Well, I did a pickleback by myself in the kitchen the other day.

Speaker 5 What's a pickle?

Speaker 1 A pickleback is uh a shot of bourbon and then you chase it with a shot of pickle juice wow and it's absolutely delicious and i love it but it's not something you should do by yourself standing up in the kitchen because it's a pretty bleak moment in your life yeah but these are lockdown times a shot by yourself is sad yeah these are lockdown times and i've just actually made some pickles uh mainly because i know that i'm gonna drink the juice with bourbon

Speaker 5 that sounds good to me yeah yeah it's lockdown all bets are off definitely all bets are off i ate a jar of peanut butter one night what the whole jar in one sitting yeah

Speaker 1 very surprised it's taken this long for this to come up in a food podcast i literally consumed the entire jar of peanut butter in one sitting

Speaker 5 i've been working out and and um my friend said oh peanut butter is good protein like you should and then i was watching uh honey i shrunk the kids a classic and i had a jar of peanut butter and a spoon absolutely disgusting image just on my own but it was delicious but you know when they say peanut butter is a good source of protein, they don't mean a whole jar of it, right?

Speaker 5 Yeah,

Speaker 5 they mean this, they mean like a protein bar, don't they? Yeah, they mean like

Speaker 1 serving suggestions with peanut butter is crazy as well. It's like a teaspoon is enough protein or enough calories.
You'd be like, as if anyone's ever going to do that. I'm with you.

Speaker 1 I'd go to town on the jar like a big yogurt. What kind of peanut butter was it? Crunchy, smooth? Good question.

Speaker 5 It was, it's the, it's called natural earth, but it's not that really healthy kind. It's like it is still sort of sweet and salty.

Speaker 5 And it's not, I don't like the ones where you have to stir the oil in.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 5 You know,

Speaker 1 time for me to shout out my favorite peanut butter. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Manilife. What? Manilife peanut butter.
M-A-N-I-L-I-F-E.

Speaker 1 Absolutely changed my life when I found Mana Life peanut butter quite recently. It changed my mana life.
And you can quote me on that.

Speaker 1 I ordered like the kilogram bucket of it as well. Oh, wow.
I'm going to Google it. What I would say, if you order the one kilogram bucket, you're going to have to restrict yourself, mate.

Speaker 1 You can't eat one of those in a sitting.

Speaker 5 What if I'm watching Honey, I Blew Up the Kids?

Speaker 1 Yeah, then you've got to. And you've got to send us a picture of you eating an entire bucket of peanut butter in front of Honey I Blue Up.
You load up the peanut butter, have you?

Speaker 1 No, surely then you should watch Honey I Shrunk the Kids again because then you can pretend you've shrunk. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 5 Oh, right. I see.
With a giant peanut butter. Yeah, yeah, that'd be good.
It's a trilogy, and the third one was straight to video, and it's called Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves.

Speaker 5 Genuinely. I've been googling it recently.

Speaker 1 The other two, it makes sense because when he's shrunk the kids, he has to, in the film, go up to his wife and say, Honey, I shot the kids.

Speaker 1 When he blows up the baby, he has to say, I'll blow up the baby. When they shoot themselves, she's probably knows, right? Yeah,

Speaker 1 yes, yeah. But also, it's not the logical next step in the trilogy is actually, honey, we kept the kids the same size, right?

Speaker 5 Yes, yeah, because it's all about the kids.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 honey, the kids are regular size, or what you said earlier, but with size instead of age honey i just zap the kids and they're going to be the same size forever yeah and they will never change size

Speaker 1 that's more tragic in a way isn't it yeah yes sorry kids i know you're feel okay today but in a few years

Speaker 1 you're not going to like

Speaker 1 i arrested the kids in time food-wise and honey i shrunk the kids mate yeah when He's in the Cheerios. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So put yourself in that position, send it to you, and you've shrunk down and you're in the Cheerios.

Speaker 1 Would you drink the milk?

Speaker 1 Yeah, definitely. Would you give the milk a little drink? Definitely.

Speaker 5 Yeah, and I'm not bothered about the fact that my whole body's in it. I'm going to drink the milk.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I would want to drink the milk.

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Speaker 1 We arrive at your dessert. Now, we talked a lot about puddings throughout this episode.
My kind of episode. When Ed's hung over, this guy grabs the wheel.

Speaker 1 We're going to be talking a lot about desserts.

Speaker 5 Excited about this. Yeah, I'm nervous.

Speaker 5 I really am torn between two things. And they're kind of in keeping with some of the stuff we've talked about about childhood and stuff.
But I guess I need to make a definitive choice, don't I?

Speaker 5 So I'm going to say, oh, fuck. I'm going to say

Speaker 5 white birthday cake. Like

Speaker 5 a slice of cheap

Speaker 5 Betty Crocker from a box.

Speaker 5 You know that stuff you make?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Wait, I want to go back to the other choice.

Speaker 1 I'm looking at your faces.

Speaker 1 No, look, you were still doing it, but it's because you've lost all confidence halfway through it. Yeah.
Sell it to us, mate. Okay.

Speaker 5 White birthday cake. And I'm not saying vanilla.
I'm saying white.

Speaker 1 There's no flavor to it.

Speaker 5 No, it's like a white sponge, but very moist with a white icing. Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 1 But you kept talking about it as if there was other things you were going to add to it.

Speaker 5 I know, I really did, but that's it. But I'm going to change my answer and I'm going to say pumpkin pie.

Speaker 5 the canadian classic yeah pumpkin pie yeah as i said it i was like that's not good enough for the meal i've just had i don't want to feel this chemical feeling after i have the cheap white pie uh cake i'm gonna go a pumpkin pie which is very divisive some people think it's too vegetable-y but a good pumpkin pie nutmeg cinnamon uh pumpkin mix with with whipped cream like freshly whipped Canadian classic Thanksgiving.

Speaker 5 That's what we're having.

Speaker 1 I really don't think I've ever had pumpkin pie, you know, because it's not really a thing here, is it?

Speaker 5 Not really, but they, I can make you one, they sell the um stuff like the in the pumpkin mix. Yeah, it's a particular brand, and they sell that in some specialty shops here.
And then you can make it.

Speaker 5 Oh, it's really good, it's like a kind of earthy flavor.

Speaker 1 You had it, James. Yeah, I love it, it's delicious.

Speaker 1 Um, growing up, uh, my friend's mum, even though the family wasn't American, but they lived in America for a short amount of time, and so every Thanksgiving, she would make a pumpkin pie, and I'd get in on that, and it it was great.

Speaker 1 And also, like, she was one of those friends' mums who was like, as soon as she figured out what I was into, she'd make more of it. So there was more specifically for me.

Speaker 1 I was one of those kids as well. Yeah.
I was, yeah, of course. I was the little greedy boy.
Invite Ed over again. He eats food, doesn't he? He likes all his food.

Speaker 5 But would she smuggle a, would she smuggle a ninja star back for you?

Speaker 1 In a pie, in the pumpkin pie. Yeah.
Eat this carefully. Actually, the mum who did that for me was like a proper feeder mum as well.

Speaker 1 Like if I stayed over, she'd be like, because her kid was like really skinny and wouldn't eat anything. And then she'd be constantly like making me peanut butter toast.

Speaker 1 She'd be like, do you want some more? I was like, well, I've had six. Two more wouldn't hurt.

Speaker 1 Sounds like she preferred you to her son.

Speaker 5 Yes. It really does.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I was a fat little boy with a ninja star.

Speaker 5 I would love that little boy.

Speaker 1 Fat ninja. Who wouldn't love the fat ninja?

Speaker 5 I think there's a kind of, I think you put condensed milk in pumpkin pie too.

Speaker 1 And that's a really specific flavor that that i really like yeah it is great and i'm quite surprised it hasn't had it actually it's the kind of thing that i think ed's been to america a lot filmed a lot of stuff there i actually we filmed something for thanksgiving in america as well at a family's house and i don't think i had it then either i just don't want to eat too much of them filming i think maybe that was it i'd stay in character and if i'd got too into pumpkin pie ed would have come out yeah

Speaker 1 Would you have pumpkin pie on Canadian Thanksgiving? Yeah. Is Canadian? I don't know enough about Canadian Thanksgiving.
Is the story the same?

Speaker 5 What genocide?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it's celebrating the genocide against the Native Americans. Yeah, it's really bad.
It's so bad, but it's just now we don't, we just have the meal.

Speaker 5 It's not like my family was like toasting to the spilled blood of the Native people. But we would have the turkey and

Speaker 5 maple glazed carrots.

Speaker 5 Thought that was a really blank response to that.

Speaker 1 No, I'm taking it in, to be honest. I was expecting James to absolutely jump on it because you glaze anything, he's on board.
I thought there was going to be more detail.

Speaker 1 I wasn't there, given I was like a

Speaker 1 captive audience at that point. You said maple glaze carrots.
I was like, I'm here for the full duration of this, and then you went, End of story. Yeah, me, you're actually quite talented at that.

Speaker 1 That was the white cake again, where you really look like this.

Speaker 1 Here's the ingredients in white cake: cake and some icing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 1 Guys,

Speaker 5 the thanksgiving thing yeah the other element is um usually sprouts and then also red cabbage like cooked red cabbage with um kind of vinegar and sugar and stuff and you cook it down yeah really nice i've really got into doing that with leaks lately of like charging leaks and then doing it with vinegar and honey and getting them all over

Speaker 1 james i'm worried you're gonna burn yourself out on the leaks because this has been a lockdowns thing james has been basically been in leak down um because

Speaker 1 the hangover's gone i never mind that. That's good.

Speaker 1 I'm back, baby. Forget about flobbing for apples.
This guy's in leak down.

Speaker 1 You've been having a lot of leaks, haven't you, mate? Yeah. Well, you know,

Speaker 1 at the start of lockdown, I started learning new recipes,

Speaker 1 learnt a handful of things, really liked them, carried on making them for the whole time.

Speaker 1 That'll be over soon enough.

Speaker 1 So I've basically just been Yeah, doing myself duck breasts, those char-grilled leeks. I've been roasting loads of potatoes and broccoli.

Speaker 1 I love roasting broccoli that's covered in olive oil and lemon and garlic, and then getting it out and then lobbing it around with some parmesan and some black pepper and then eating that.

Speaker 1 This is pasta that I've been making all the time that my girlfriend taught me to make.

Speaker 1 It's quite sad that she taught me to make it because it's quite simple. What is it? Slice up chorizo, fry that up, slice up just broccoli stalks,

Speaker 1 chili and garlic, lobble that in with it once the Chorizo is done well enough. Then chuck a bunch of capers in there with that as well.
You've got some pasta on the go that whole time.

Speaker 1 Get a cup of the pasta water, chuck that in with what you're cooking. Straighten the pasta out, chuck the pasta in there as well.

Speaker 1 Chuck loads of parmesan, grate your parmesan in there, mix it all together. Black pepper.

Speaker 1 I've been addicted to that. It's so good.

Speaker 5 That sounds really good.

Speaker 1 A lot of chucking and lobbing going on with your recipes, aren't there? Oh, Jamie, Olive.

Speaker 5 have this something that I should have said at the beginning of the podcast, and now we don't have time to go into it, nor should we.

Speaker 5 There's nothing to say except that my dad wrote a cookbook in the 70s called The Seducer's Cookbook,

Speaker 5 Cooking for Success, and it was spelt S-E-X. And it was about how to seduce women with food.
It's very problematic. Like, if it came out today,

Speaker 1 you say we don't have time to go into this. Cancel whatever plans you have.
We're going to need to hear more about the Seducer's Cookbook, Cooking for Success.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 5 I think that he probably sold like 20 copies, but and he was in his 20s when he wrote it.

Speaker 5 But it was published properly and it was absolutely panned by critics because they were like, not even at the time, they were like, this is weird.

Speaker 5 It's like, how do you get in the woman's pants by cooking? And, and secondly, all the recipes are like not sexy. Like, they're, they're very, very like pungent and like wrong.

Speaker 5 I just like hippers and stuff.

Speaker 5 yeah i think you just i think you just kind of got a maybe had a good meeting and got the book deal and then just panicked yeah

Speaker 1 yeah but it's it is a real gem within the recipe does it say why it's like a seductive recipe do you have to like present it in like the shape of a knob or something yeah it's yeah everything's shaped like a knob

Speaker 5 um no it was like a sort of comic book so it would give you um examples of things you could say while you served it and like uh interesting music you could play things like that.

Speaker 1 I absolutely love that.

Speaker 5 The Seducer's Cookbook.

Speaker 1 Seducer's cookbook. Yeah.
Was he had he met your mother by this point?

Speaker 5 No, no, he had not.

Speaker 1 When they met, did she know about the seducer's cookbook or did he keep that a secret?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I wonder if it was something he was proud of or um well it obviously worked worked for your mum, right?

Speaker 1 So totally did she enjoy the keppers? Must have. So I'm going to read you your order back now, May.
Okay. First of all, this is all with a hangover.
The whole thing.

Speaker 1 I'm hungover, yeah, for the whole thing.

Speaker 1 Um, water still water from a babbling French brook diverted to the dream restaurant under a full moon.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 you would like warm baguette with butter, and the little clay man will have some cookie crumble.

Speaker 1 Yeah, starter,

Speaker 1 cornucopia of shrimp, that's a May Martin original. Tempura dumpling, fresh.
Little clay man has cookie crumble again. Gets that topped up.
Or worms. We don't know.
We might have worms.

Speaker 1 Main course: roast lamb from New Zealand with gravy, horseradish, roast potatoes, and cauliflower cheese.

Speaker 1 Side dish, lobster mac and cheese. Drink, whiskey soda, dessert, pumpkin pie.

Speaker 5 Yeah, the only thing I would do is add some of that broccoli you just described to the roast, roasted broccoli, and then you said tossing it in

Speaker 1 parm and pepper.

Speaker 5 Yeah, put some of that on there. I guess I'm in green.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. I'll add that in.
I'll cook it myself. Don't mind it.
That sounds like a great meal. Yeah, mate, you had no reason to be nervous about that at all.
That is a great meal. And

Speaker 1 you nearly had a reason to be nervous with that white cake bullshit that you nearly threw in there.

Speaker 5 I know. I'm so glad I changed my mind.

Speaker 1 Well, thank you so much for coming on, May. Thank you.
That was a delicious meal. And you've been excellent company.

Speaker 5 Yes. Thank you so much for having me.

Speaker 1 Thank you, May.

Speaker 1 That's honestly the first time the GD has ever complimented a guest on their company. So you've done very well there.
I'm touched.

Speaker 1 Well, there we have it. What a brilliant menu.
And what some lovely memories from

Speaker 1 the Acaster

Speaker 1 Canon. Oh, it made me feel so good.
I was so glad that May brought it up. And then it means as much to her as she does to me.

Speaker 1 And also, after the podcast, May sent me a photo of me on the yacht with some Prosecco. And you've got Sydney Opera House in the background.
It's a wonderful photo.

Speaker 1 I've never seen you happier, quite frankly. Oh, I was so happy.
Weirdly, I'd completely forgotten about having Prosecco on there because of how much I loved the shrimp and the watermelon.

Speaker 1 So seeing the photo of me with the Prosecco was like, oh, yeah, it was even better than I remembered it being. Well, maybe we can put that photo up on the socials, maybe.

Speaker 1 Let everyone know what a lovely time you had. I'll send it to Benito.
You've mentioned the shrimp.

Speaker 1 Luckily, she didn't say shrimp-flavoured primula slash cheese and prawns because she was talking about shrimp. And I was like...
Uh-oh. Is she going to throw a tube of primula in there?

Speaker 1 I'll be honest. I was never worried about it.
Well,

Speaker 1 I started to think, like, why have I chosen this secret ingredient for May? Why have I agreed that we have a shrimp thing?

Speaker 1 One of my favourite memories of May involves shrimp and I want her to talk about it.

Speaker 1 So I was very relieved because if she had said shrimp-flavoured primula, I think I would have also kicked myself out of the restaurant. I've been like a bad waiter.

Speaker 1 That would not have made you feel good, James. No.

Speaker 1 Actually, speaking of feel-good, that's the name of May's TV show, starring May, starring the brilliant Charlotte Ritchie, and that's available on all four and Netflix worldwide.

Speaker 1 So you should go and and watch that, please. Absolutely.
We've got loads of other things going on, James. Yeah.

Speaker 1 In fact, May Martin has done my other podcast called James Acas's Perfect Sounds about 2016 being the best year for music of all time. You did a music podcast as well, Edward.
I did.

Speaker 1 It's called Lifers. It's about people who've been in heavy metal for decades and keep going despite all the obstacles in their way.
That's available on Spotify.

Speaker 1 And also, I do a Radio X show with Matty Crosby every Sunday, and that's available as a podcast from wherever you normally get your podcast from. We've got a lot happening.

Speaker 1 Go on Off Menu Official, Instagram and Twitter, offmenuPodcast.co.uk. Buy some off-menu merch.
We've got amazing merch. Go and get it.
Go on to Apple Podcasts. Sling us a review.

Speaker 1 Our life is just so busy, James. There's so much going on.
Yeah. People don't understand that me and Ed actually run the website.
And every time you order one, we've got to go.

Speaker 1 We're going to box it up. Print it.
Yeah. Got a lot of stuff to do, but we're happy to do it.
So you guys get your teas, get your mugs, get your tea towels, your totes.

Speaker 1 But for now, we're shutting the shop on the restaurant for another week and we'll see you soon. Bye-bye.
Take care of yourselves. Have a spoonful on me.

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