Ep 85: Jo Brand

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Welcome to the Off-Menu podcast.

If it looks a little bit open, tap it on the table.

If it closes, it's fresh content.

James is a food podcast.

That was an

oyster.

Oyster-based introduction.

You know that, of course.

Of course.

I've travelled on the tube.

If you have some oysters

or mussels, I've just learnt this recently.

If they're open, you've got to tap them.

And if they shut, it means they're fresh.

But if they don't shut, they're dead and you shouldn't eat them.

So if the shell's open and then you tap it and then it shuts and stays shut.

It's fresh because it's still like alive.

The springs open again.

Yeah.

I cooked some oysters the other night is what I'm trying to say.

You did a boil, didn't you?

Well, no, that was the I did like a shrimp boil, but then I did some oysters beforehand.

A place called Decatur

sent me some oysters, and I did them on the barbecue with garlic pecorino butter in them.

And it's honestly, I think, the best night of my life.

Wow.

I'm quite jealous, Ed.

You're really putting everyone to shame with your lockdown cooking.

It's amazing.

Yeah, I've got to say, I did feel a bit bad during lockdown when I was eating oysters.

You know how at the start, everyone was like, this is the great leveler, everyone.

It's everyone in the same situation.

And then you're eating oysters with garlic butter in them and you think, that's not true, is it?

Yeah, yeah, you've got your barbecue that looks like your fiancé.

Yeah, cooking oysters on it.

Should be ashamed of myself.

Anyway, it's a food podcast, James.

Yes.

What happens on it?

This is off-menu podcast where we have a guest on and we ask them their favourite ever.

Start a main cause dessert, side dish, and drink.

And this week's guest is

Joe Brand.

It's Joe Brand.

It's the final episode of the series.

And of course, we have the wonderful Joe Brand with us.

so excited to have joe on she's an one of the all-time greats it's an all-time privilege having on you on taskmaster with us she presents extra slice scraper-ish bake off that's a food connection right there hopefully every single course will be cake and this will be the best menu i've ever heard of

fingers crossed uh but james even though it is joe brand and we're massive fans if she says our secret ingredient which we are going to tell you now she will be kicked out of the restaurant and this week the secret ingredient is sea butter thorn.

I don't even really know what it is, but it started showing up on menus a couple of years ago.

It's, as far as I'm aware, little orange berries that are on like a bush or something.

And I don't think they add anything taste-wise.

I think they occasionally make things disgusting.

And I don't, I think it's a trendy ingredient that shouldn't be allowed.

I didn't have any idea what it was.

When you said it, I thought it was like...

actual like a massive handful of seaweed or something i thought this was going to be a type of seaweed which i know you like seaweed so i thought that's a a bit weird, but I'll let him have it.

But actually, it's a little orange berry.

Does sea buckthorn sound nice?

It sounds nice as a seaweed.

Imagine it as a seaweed.

If it was like...

It's a seaweed called sea buckthorn.

You'd be like, yeah, yes, please.

Oh, no, I don't want anything thorn-based in my mouth.

Sorry.

Yeah, I can't really think of any kind of like...

thing that has the word thorn in it that you'd like to drink.

No.

A cider?

Is there a cider with the word?

Blackthorn, but I don't like cider.

It's too sweet.

Case closed.

Case closed on that one.

So if Joe Brand says see Buckthorn, she is out of the restaurant.

And quite frankly, I don't want to have to kick her out of the restaurant because it's the last episode of the series.

I don't know how she'll react to being kicked out of the restaurant.

She wears boots with steel toe caps.

And if she kicks off, things are going to go down if there's a rumble.

Even though we are recording this over Zoom, I can imagine she would put her entire leg through the internet and kick me in the face.

It would work.

And I would get away Scott Free because I'm adorable.

Exactly.

You are indeed adorable.

Well, on that note, let's crack on and hear the off-menu menu of Joe Brand.

Welcome, Joe Brand, to the Off-Menu Dream Restaurant.

Hello.

Welcome, Joe Brand.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Yes.

Do you mean today

or just generally in the scheme of things?

Since the inception of the restaurant, we've always known all of the guests who will one day find their weary souls under our roof.

Wow.

Right.

We knew your name from day one since we laid the first brick.

And believe you me, my soul's weary.

Yeah.

It's the first time you've shouted out weary souls, James.

I didn't realize that's what this concept was.

That it was sort of weary souls.

Yes, everyone who comes here is a weary soul, and they need replenishing by our food.

Oh, I see.

Well, I like to be a weary soul.

I don't like enthusiastic people who've got plenty of energy.

They're really annoying, aren't they?

Who's the worst one of those who you've ever met?

The worst, most enthusiastic person who, if you ever bumped into them again, you'd be like, oh, forget it.

I think it was my trainer for this 140-mile walk I did for Comic Relief.

And he should really have been executed after about a mile.

He was

so annoying,

and he pretended to like me.

He said awful things about me on the documentary that I didn't realize until someone watched it and went, Have you heard what?

Anyway, he, what was it?

He said, Oh, that's right.

He said, I'm never going to make it, right?

And he said, Um, she's not going to make it because she's morbidly obese.

And I was a bit put out by that because I thought I was quite cheerfully obese.

But you know,

honestly, he was very annoying.

And he made me go up and down Primrose Hill 10 times without stopping.

I don't know if you know about heart rate and stuff like that, but your optimum heart rate is 220 minus your age.

And I think at the time that kind of made mine like 155 or something.

And he said, if it goes above that, basically you're going to die.

Anyway, I was going up Primrose Hill for the ninth time and my heart rate was 154.

And I was like saying, Greg, can I stop?

And he's going, no, come on, we're nearly there.

Oh, it was horrendous.

Anyway.

Oh, that's amazing.

So you don't like, you want to be a weary soul, Joe.

You don't want to be replenished.

You don't want, you don't want to be enthusiastic.

Have you ever woken up feeling enthusiastic?

And if so, what did you do to get rid of it as quickly as possible?

Yeah, that's a good question.

Well, luckily, no, I haven't.

But if I did, I would just stay in bed and get drunk whatever time of day it was.

Is this going to be quite a boozy menu that we've got ahead of us here?

Well, no, I don't think so.

I used to be a huge drinker when I was a student and um it it did it does get you into all sorts of trouble i'm i'm sure you both know that and actually you're very enthusiastic ed i seem to remember taskmaster very enthusiastic very competitive so enthusiastic that i just felt weary talking to you sometimes you're that enthusiastic

join the club

every single episode of this podcast i should have a lie down afterwards

i was very excited to be there and i was sat between you and david really trying to

bring the energy and mood up.

And I don't know.

I think

eventually we sort of came to a happy stasis where you were happy with the level of enthusiasm that was going on.

It was just a nice in-between feeling.

Yeah, it was.

It was a nice show.

And I think

we complimented each other perfectly.

Yeah, it was good.

Yeah, but there was no boozing for you and David after the records.

No, exactly.

It was just me, Katie and Rose absolutely getting on it after every show.

And you and David were straight home, presumably to get rid of all the enthusiasm.

For Nanny to change us.

Judging by David's performance on Taskmaster, I imagine he wanted to find you lot and have a drink, but he couldn't, he got lost on the way and ended up in a car in a ditch in a different country.

Well, that is kind of quite deceptive, that approach that he takes, because he is a really bright guy.

But I mean, I enjoyed his bumbling because it made me look like Superwoman.

But he was very loved by the Taskmaster audience because of that, I think, which is

amazing.

He filled his role marvellously.

He did.

The audience always loved the people at the bottom of the table.

They don't so much care for the show-offs at the top of the table, especially the winners.

They don't like them very much.

Doesn't matter.

I don't remember who won that one.

And people never remember the person who comes second bottom, James.

Well, looks like someone remembered.

Oh, yeah, no, remember I remember everything um so not necessarily going to be a boozy menu today then Joe you've left those days behind you

I unfortunately I inherited from my mum the ability to get pissed after after half a teaspoon of sherry so you know I have to be really careful because my mum is just she she'll just behave appallingly after one sip and I really didn't want to be like that I wanted to be one of those like down with the boys you know 15 pints and still standing, but I'm just not.

So I have to be careful.

Not too boozy, but also, I'm guessing, not too enthusiastic.

Maybe, but maybe you want to keep things weary.

Yeah, because I can't work out, Joe.

I've been trying to think about it, whether you're going to be really into your food or you just can't be bothered with any faff.

Because obviously, you're a host of Great British Bake Off Extra Slice.

So, you know, you're enthusiastic about baking or

Television presenting.

Yeah, television presenting.

I don't do baking at all, to be honest.

That's hard.

That's too much like hard work.

So I can't work out with I can't imagine going to a restaurant with you and you being really enthusiastic about like the nuances of cooking or a new exciting ingredient.

I can imagine you being like, just fucking bring it over here and I'm going to eat it.

Yeah, that's exactly me.

You know, I don't even really like going to posh restaurants very much because I am um

relentlessly kind of working class i'm a total philistine i suppose the most sophisticated thing i had when i was a teenager was a kebab um because it was from another country and

my my mum and dad were we you know we're both from kind of south london working class homes so the poshest thing they they kind of ever ever had to eat was like something with a bit of pastry on it, I suppose, like a pie.

So, and I'm afraid I've stayed the same as that.

I have tried to, my, my husband, he's really good cook and he puts lots of things in his cooking,

which frightens me.

You know, like if he's making a curry, he just have like a pot that says curry powder and I put two teaspoons in, but he does like garam masala and paprika and all that.

And it's tastes exactly the same.

I did have a competition once with Gordon Ramsey, right?

And you had to both cook a meal, and then this panel had to taste it blind and say which was the best.

So he did a curry, and I just got a tin of curry and heated it up in a saucepan.

And he did this whole bloody rigmarole for hours while I just sat there and glared at him and tried to be as aggressive as he was to me.

And he only won by a tiny little smidge, which is my point in a way.

Yeah, you may as well use a tin.

Exactly.

We went to a fancy restaurant once, Joe.

Do you remember with the whole Taskmaster cast?

We went to Sketch for an afternoon tea, which is a beautiful restaurant in London.

This incredible pink dining room, the walls covered in David Shrigley art.

And it's this incredible afternoon tea with champagne and things like that.

And we went and sat down.

But when we arrived, you remember the waiter was so excited to see you.

He demanded that he take you off on a private tour of the restaurant.

And so so it was just me and you there.

We'd arrived.

No one else had arrived yet.

And he went, Oh, it's so great to see you.

Took you away.

And then you came back

to the table when everyone else was there with the waiter.

And do you remember what you said to us when you came back to the table with the waiter?

I don't, I'm afraid, because I don't have a memory anymore, really.

What did I say?

Well, you announced to the restaurant that you'd just given him a blowjob.

Oh, dear.

Well, that was quite funny, wasn't it?

It was great.

That's why I'm bringing it up again.

In the old days I might actually have done but now that I'm old I wouldn't probably.

It depends was he nice looking?

How old was he?

About 80.

Oh that's perfect for me now because they don't move.

Joe's having to narrow down if it's actually happening or not.

Because they don't move.

We always start with still or sparkling water, Joe, which is odd to segue from that story into

what would you like to drink now?

Well, hopefully it'll have some sort of cleansing effect.

Yeah, yeah.

So yeah, still or sparkling water.

Well, I have to say sparkling.

Because being like quite old and

being again from sort of, I mean, they were quite an aspirational family.

And by the time I was like 15, my parents were kind of a bit middle class, really.

But we always thought sparkling water was like really exciting, a big thing and some friends of my parents down the road had had one of those um

things that make sparkling water and we thought that was massively space age when i was six i still think it feels space age having like a soda stream or equivalent in in the house because my i remember my uncle had one and we were very excited by it like we used to go we used to go round and play with the soda stream.

Well, that's good, isn't it?

I mean, let's face it, kids these days don't get much to excite them on that level of sort of tedium, do they really?

Because they can go and, I don't know what, whatever they do, build, build houses and kill each other.

Those are the two main things.

I don't even know what things you're referring to.

Well, I'm referring to where you sort of, oh, what's it called?

See, I told you I've got no money.

It's an online thing.

Yeah, it's an online thing, which like little kids do.

Well, probably like seven, eight-year-olds, where you sort of build a town.

Oh, Minecraft and stuff.

Oh, yeah, something like that.

Is that Minecraft?

Minecraft.

That was about mines.

Oh, Call of Duty.

That's horrendous.

And then there's another one where you murder prostitutes.

And also, what's that called?

Grand Theft Auto.

Grand Theft Auto.

Grand Theft Auto, yeah.

And there was a new version of that I noticed recently where you could kill a suffragette as well.

Oh, well, moving on to something more intellectually demanding then.

Thanks.

No, you're right.

The fact that all that exists, the fact that kids could go and kill a suffragette, but they're still excited by bubbly water, I think is wonderful.

I do too, absolutely.

I mean, I think the soda stream is overrated.

Yeah, James doesn't like us because he hasn't worked out how to use it.

We've sent soda streams, Joe, and James sprayed himself in the face on the first one and he's been too scared to go back to it.

Oh, James.

Sprayed in the face, Joe.

Have another go

because you will really be excited if you you make it work properly.

But I do like another Luddite in the vicinity because I have trouble making things work as evidenced by my inability to set anything up here today.

But

thankfully, there was someone quite young in our house at the moment.

So few.

Who was that?

It was my daughter's boyfriend.

She's quite young as well.

I'm not implying that she's 75 and he's 20.

They're both 19, but

she's online doing some college thing.

So he was knocking about.

And also, it's probably easier to get your daughter's boyfriend to do menial tasks for you, right?

Because he's still looking to impress you, whereas your daughter probably couldn't care less.

Dead right.

Spot on and all those things.

Exactly.

Does he ever talk about seeing you on TV?

And does he go like, oh, you were so good, Joe?

You were the funniest out of everyone on that show.

You were so great.

And then you know, well, he's going to ask for a favour soon.

No, he's never said that.

he said thing he says things to me like oh have you met james a caster he's brilliant isn't he

and i really like ed gamble

and i'm going have you seen getting on and he

has no idea what i is

so no i'm far too old for him and he doesn't he likes kind of bill bailey and people like that he doesn't like me he you know young whippersnappers like bill bailey yeah the new and up and coming yeah not not young but someone who's who suits his kind of his interests in life, which is not some ranty old fat feminist going, I hate men, kill them all, weirdly.

Can't explain why.

Although that's giving me a brilliant idea for a computer game you could design.

Yes.

Yes.

The opposite.

Go and kill some men's rights activists.

Well, yes, I'd be very happy to invent that game.

I haven't got the first idea, but anyway, I could team up with someone knowledgeable, Ed Gamble.

Popadoms or bread.

eh poppadoms or bread joe brand popadoms or bread oh god i'm gonna show myself up yet again as a philistine but bread uh james bread i don't think that's the philistine's choice i think that's a wonderful choice i think it's unadventurous in some ways depends what kind of bread yeah if you've got a specific type of bread that you like your favourite sort of bread I like French bread.

A baguette.

Well, here we go.

It's not a Philistine's choice, that, at all.

Is it not?

It is.

I think it probably is, but I don't care.

Yeah, I love French bread because it's one of the few breads that you can eat without anything on it.

Not that I'd choose to, but if you had to, it still tastes nice without butter and whatever else you like on your bread.

So that's interesting.

You would never have it without butter or anything else, but as you're eating it, it makes you feel good that if you wanted to, you could.

Exactly.

Do you know sometimes, I don't think it happens much anymore, but in the 70s, you would go to a restaurant and you would have some bread by your plate and then there'd be like little pats of butter on a dish and they'd be absolutely rock hard.

So you couldn't spread them on the bread.

You just had to sort of slap them on there and smash them down with a spoon and then take one bite and then it was all gone by then.

And you'd had your sort of years quotient of butter.

I complain about that at restaurants, not to anyone, just sort of quietly under my breath.

But secretly, I think I like it because it means I just have more butter.

I don't mind eating a whole chunk of butter on one tiny bit of bread.

I think it's delicious.

Absolutely delicious.

I eat butter like cheese.

I love butter as well.

Can I just ask you, have either of you ever complained at a restaurant?

Yeah, I think I have maybe three times in my life.

And I'm pretty sure two of them were when I'd ordered a steak.

like rare and it had come well done.

Like it definitely was wrong.

Yeah.

So then I've been like, I'm so sorry.

I think this is overcooked.

I'll ask for a rare one.

But I'm not a regular complainer, I'd say.

I don't think it's a good idea.

Have you complained, James?

Kind of.

Well,

I was scared of complaining.

So instead, I just acted like I was just letting them know something.

So I queued back up to the counter and went, I'm sorry, just letting you know, there is broken glass in the dal that I just ate.

Just letting you know that in case you want to, in case it's in the rest of the dal.

Was there really?

Yeah, there was broken glass.

And I got because what they did was they just gave

my table, they just gave us free cakes,

let us have loads of cake.

And I thought it was a massive score.

And then a lot of people afterwards were saying to me, you know, that like you probably could have got some money out of that.

It's like

broken glass in your food.

Instead, they just saw you coming a mile off and went, give him a cake.

He'll absolutely love it.

That is the worst thing you could have in your food.

I can't think of anything worse to find in your food than broken glass cyanide or some sort of nuclear waste maybe

but i guess then you're not even going to get into the queue to be able to complain i think you're pretty much dead after that mouthful whereas broken glass big big bit of barbed wire maybe it's a nightmare god yes well i think that's that says that you're a nice person james because you didn't immediately think i can sue them for thousands for this you know yeah and i was with matthew crosby who's the worst person to be with in that situation because he's even nicer He's probably the nicest person I've ever met.

So

he wasn't going to get me all revved up and go like, you can get him for this.

He was like, oh, better let them know about the glass, actually.

He had second helpings.

What about you, Joe?

Are you a complainer?

No, because I've worked in restaurants and I know what they do when you complain.

Great.

Let's have a bit of insight.

What's the worst thing you've ever seen happen?

Put some glass in some dial.

Well, I know someone, for example, I won't tell you where it is, but it was a very long time ago who they complained about their soup.

It got sent back to the kitchen.

She pissed in it, heated it up, and sent it back again.

So there's one.

I don't know.

Have you ever actually read the book Train Spotting?

No, no.

Rather than just seeing the film.

Well, there's a scene in that

they obviously thought was even too repulsive for the film.

This will never get on this show, but I'll tell you anyway.

But where a woman, I think it's kind of the woman who's in the film, actually, she's working as a waitress, and this businessman is being absolutely horrible to her and he sends something back.

So she takes her tan packs out, wipes it all over the food and sends it back again.

I wonder why that wasn't in the film.

It's not exactly Disney as it is, but you know.

And is that something you've seen happen in real life?

I'm not saying

I haven't Ed.

I haven't seen that happen in real life.

The piss is pretty bad, though.

Oh, I know.

about it being a woman doing it as well, there's so much more admin to go through to get the piss into the bowl, right?

Well, that is true.

And also, you know, like when the comedy store first opened in Leicester Square, the toilets were like miles away from backstage.

And all the blokes could just used to have a piss in the sink while we were on pissing.

And obviously, there would only ever be like three women on there ever in a year.

So

I actually thought, I, this is, I'm not going all the way to the toilet to be, you know, spat on and

abused by the drunken citizens of London.

So I used to piss in the sink as well, but it was really hard to do.

And someone had to hold the door.

And of course, there would always be a joker that went, oh, I forgot.

And said to people, come on in, you know, anyway, you can imagine.

One of my friends at university, she'd been at a different university the year before, but she'd only been there a year.

And she wouldn't quite say why she'd left until we were a few weeks into the term.

We were out.

And she said, The reason she'd left is in her room in the halls of residence, one night she was drunk and decided she wanted to piss in the sink.

And she sort of maneuvered herself into that situation and then got the distribution of weight wrong and taken the sink off the wall.

And then the next day left the university.

I wouldn't have left for that would you no no no god no no no i'm not ashamed not ashamed of that what i'm thinking is did she did your friend piss directly into the bowl of soup or

here's the thing i don't think i would be confident enough to know that the amount of piss i was gonna piss out wouldn't overflow and be too much And I would want it to be, I'm wondering if she did it into the bowl or she did it into a glass and then poured it into the soup or she did it into the big pot of soup itself and thought everyone's going to have piss soup now because I'm so annoyed.

You're conjuring up a lovely picture.

Yes.

Well, I know, as far as I know, she just did it into the soup and she obviously had been doing her pelvic floor exercises because she managed to put like the right amount in and then, sorry.

This is like woman's hour now, isn't it?

It's perfect.

Or I guess she could go for a piss in a new bowl so she knows how much is in there and just top the rest up with soup.

Yeah, it's the other way to do it.

Stir it in.

Talking of soup, is that a clue to what your starter is going to be?

Oh, yes.

Your starter.

Yeah, no, I don't like soup much.

How about a bit of piss?

Yeah, I like piss.

Yeah, absolutely.

No, I would have

like a Greek mesé for my starter without most things in it that I don't like.

So you've gone for a starter that is an array of things, but you're going to remove most of the things.

Yes.

And I just have,

what would I leave?

I'd have taramuslata, hummus.

I don't like vine leaves wrapped around whatever's in them.

Is it rice?

Rice.

I think there's rice and maybe a bit more.

So far we've got two dips.

Two dips.

Yeah, two dips.

yeah i like olives and i quite like whatever random bits of meat they chuck into a mesa if they do i can't even remember but mostly i love tarama cilata

very much indeed yeah so when you say mesa i mean a ma yeah

yeah i know

I couldn't think of any other way of describing it to kick off.

I should have just said tarama cilata and pitterbread, really.

But I do like hummus as well and I do like olives.

You can have all all those things for sure do you want bread to go with this as well because obviously you got it you've got to dip it or are you eating the taramasalata like a big yogurt uh oh no certainly not no dip dip stuff into it you know i think i think that it would be nice to have a selection of different things to dip into it i quite like breadsticks and i quite like cheese straws i mean is that all right to do that or you know totally

i just like that it's gone from greek mesa was the headline and now it seems to have just turned into a trestle table at a Christmas party.

Well, actually, that does betray my class, but yeah.

No, I love it.

All right, well, as we're here, let's chuck in some mini pork pies and some cocktail sausages then.

Great.

Am I in Athens?

Have you been to Athens?

It's a very weird place because when you go on the,

again, this was like in 19, oh, God, what, 83 or something?

I went there.

When you go on like the their equivalent of the tube train it's and it's really crowded people don't pinch your bum they just do like they wiggle their fingers like this against you against your bum oh god the other way around it's quite unpleasant really it is unpleasant and but interesting to see how uh sexual harassment diff differs amongst different cultures yes i think so that's a good idea that's our next uh that's our next venture ed

we're gonna do a tv show about sexual harassment across the world.

Absolutely.

It'll be a bit like that race race across the world,

except we won't be really particularly racing.

We'll just be going there.

Yeah, yeah.

And Joe should be blindfolded the whole time.

And when you arrive at each place, she has to tell where you are based on what's happened to her bum.

And what's my role in all this, Joe?

Your role would be to question each culture

about why they do that particular move that they do.

So we go to Greece and I say, why are you wiggling your fingers like that?

Exactly.

I think there's definitely something in it.

Yeah, me too.

It only needs to be a short five-minute thing.

So we've got...

It's not going to fill up an hour, is it?

Who knows?

So we've got pot of taramasilata, pot of hummus, breadsticks, cheese straws, olives, pork, mini pork pies.

Yeah.

Anything else from the cocktail sausages?

Cocktail sausages.

Gherkins, maybe.

Gherkins.

Mini Scotch eggs?

No, I'm not so keen on them for some reason.

Fair enough.

Seems a bit of a sin to put them together in one.

So scotch eggs in general you don't like?

No.

Not just the mini ones.

No.

Well, they don't have to be on the Christmas, uh, the Christmas buffet, then.

Yeah, don't worry.

They're not on the.

I mean, obviously, it goes without saying, James will know this.

If I go to a party and there's a Christmas buffet or any sort of buffet, I'm just stood by that.

That's where I I take up residence just nibbling on stuff they are great actually aren't they yeah I had a Christmas pudding last night did you yeah what what are you talking about just for for the listener it's mid-November yep why did you have a Christmas pudding my my my girlfriend uh has like got a line of she was wanting to make a Christmas cake and then she wanted to make a Christmas pudding as well and it was like a trial one Oh, great.

She just made a small one.

And I got home and she was like, it's a small Christmas pudding in there if you want it.

So I did.

Hot Christmas pudding, but with cold custard.

That's what I like.

Oh, lovely.

That does sound really good.

It's a shame we don't eat Christmas pudding all the year round.

Yeah, that's what I thought as I was eating it.

I was like, why don't I do this all the time?

Well, we're doing a load of mince pies at the moment.

So I suppose it's the same thing in a way.

Trepping.

And I've been playing my Christmas collection

as well.

And my Christmas song collection early just to cheer myself up.

You got a favourite?

You got a favourite Christmas song?

I like that David Essex Christmas song, A Winter's Tale.

Do you know that?

No, I don't know.

No, I knew you wouldn't.

But why would you?

You're not 78 like I am.

So,

yeah, so I like that.

And, oh, there's loads I like, actually.

I like that really quite weird one by, I've forgotten his name as well.

Honestly, this is like interviewing someone.

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Main course?

Well, I really like cheese.

And

so I'd have lots of different types of cheese.

Just this is sort of continuing a bit of a Christmas buffet feel, I suppose.

Yeah, like,

and I really like salad as well, and I really like vegetables, which is always a bit of a shock coming from a portly person, I know.

But I do, I like healthy things, I also really like unhealthy things as well.

But so I would just like,

because I did think about like doing a roast dinner type thing, um, but I can't, there's not quite quite enough in it for me that i like so i just thought i'd have a few just a mix of things just spread out what are the things in a roast dinner that you don't like um i don't like um

carrots for example i only like carrots in a curry i can't explain it but there you go i don't like them in any other form Carrots in a curry is new to me, Joe, to be honest.

There you go then.

What about

a vegetable curry, Ed?

You said that as if, obviously we all like carrots in a curry.

You know,

I'm no stranger to carrots in a curry, of course.

Don't get me wrong.

Hope you've ever had carrots in a curry.

Have you never had a vegetable curry?

Yeah, but

I wouldn't associate the carrot with it.

I'd think like an aubergine or potato or...

Oh, aubergine.

No.

No.

The devil's diarrhea

in some ways.

Yeah, aubergines.

No, that's the problem.

I think I put stuff in a veg curry that you probably shouldn't because I don't like the sort of thing that they put in.

I don't like aubergines.

I don't like

courgettes.

Do they go in a veg curry?

I can't stand them.

And

what else don't I like?

Oh, oh, okra.

Ugh, no.

See, I don't like any stuff like that.

So I have to put my own veg cups.

So here we go.

So we found another nation's cuisine that you're removing a lot of the ingredients from and putting your own version.

You're making a hot pot.

Yeah.

No, you see, hot pot, that puts me off.

That just that word puts me off.

I don't like a hot pot.

No.

What even is it?

If you had to eat a hot pot, you two, what would you have in it?

Come on, tell me, James, what would be your hot pot?

I guess, I guess, like

root vegetables and

well, I mean,

turnips

snips yeah yeah but like you know also some and any sort of meat really but like I guess I'd figure beef or I can have a chicken lamb lamb maybe lamb lamb hot pot yeah big big chunks of meat big chunks of the meat in there um a nice big bits of potato oh nice big bits of potato a thick bubbling gravy sauce there in it how does that differ from a casserole good question

it's called a hot pot

Okay, that's good enough for me.

Just the dish, right?

What about you, Ed?

Would you have all that?

Now, when I hear hot pot, I associate that with like

Chinese cuisine, like a Chinese hot pot, where you would go to a restaurant, they bring you a bubbling pot of stock, and then bring you loads of other ingredients to like dip in the stock and cook it.

Wow.

So there's loads of Chinese hot pot restaurants that it's like really spicy, like Sechuan stock sometimes.

And you get like vegetables and meat and all of that sort of thing.

And you can tofu, dip it in, cook it.

And I think that'd be perfect for you, Joe, because then you can pick and choose the ingredients that you're having cooked in the stock.

So

you could go, I don't want any of this.

Just bring me a plate of carrots.

Exactly.

And a curly whirly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fair enough.

Remind me to not go for Chinese hot pot with you then.

Because I can't help but think you'd be soiling the stock somewhat if you dipped a curly whirly into it.

I certainly would not be soiling the stock.

How dare you?

Depends if anyone complained.

Yeah, exactly.

It would be good if with a hot pot, you only dip things in there that also rhymed as well.

So it's like you would dip a curly whirly in the hot pot

because

that's within the rules.

Oh, yeah, the entire population of pearly, maybe.

Yeah.

I don't know what other foods, whatever dishes rhyme, really.

Curly whirly, yeah, it's really one of the only.

Curly whirly and Hot Pot are the only choice.

Could you put runny honey in a hot pot?

Oh, yeah, you can definitely put runny honey in a hot pot.

Runny honey looks good.

Yeah.

So you don't like carrots on a roast dinner.

What else are you taking out of a roast dinner?

Parsnips.

Because those little assholes are constantly...

pretending to be long roast potatoes and there's nothing worse than thinking you're going to um eat a roast potato and it's a parsnip i agree this is going to blow your mind though joe when i pick up what i think is a roast potato and it turns out to be a parsnip that's a nice surprise for me yeah what an absolute well you're very lucky then ed i look i wish it was for me i've been born with the parsnip genes no but the way joe said that there like you're very lucky oh i wish i was like that that's like when when like you know

atheists tell Christians, oh, yes, I wish I had a faith as well.

You're very lucky.

We're thinking you're fucking one.

That's what happened there, then.

Yeah, that's true.

That's true.

I do believe that does happen a lot more as you get older as well.

I think people get a bit desperate, don't they, to believe in God

with each passing birthday

and thinking, will God mind if I ever come to the feast this late?

And will he see through me?

And my desperation.

What would you do, Joe, if you had a sort of realization that God was real and you were welcome to God's feast and you arrived and all that was available was parsnips at God's feast?

I'd think I was probably in hell after all.

Hell is probably full of parsnips.

I'd agree with that.

It probably is.

But roasted to perfection.

Not for you.

No, no, that's lovely for me.

But then again, if you go to hell, there's a nice surprise if there's parsnips there.

You'll be pleased.

So let's not get lost lost because we need to we need to focus on what we're having for the main because you've got you said you want an array of things

we've not really narrowed down what the things are apart from cheese maybe and vegetables and cheese salad and vegetables

but any particular any particular cheeses any particular salads any particular vegetables yes my favorite cheese is red Leicester

followed by Shropshire Blue

followed by Brie

followed by Dairy Lee

followed by Borsin.

Actually, no, that comes in front of Dairy Lee.

I don't like Stinking Bishop.

Have you ever had that?

I have, and I like Stinking Bishop.

And

I bought a cheese the other day that the person in the cheese chop said this is similar to Stinking Bishop.

And I was very excited to buy it.

And that cheese was called Minga.

Minga.

Yes.

And I bought a block of Minga and I took it home and it was all wrapped up.

I put it in a box.

and then my fiancé still demanded we throw it out as soon as possible because it was the smell was coming out through the box and through the fridge door and through the kitchen door and all the way up to our bedroom.

Okay.

It's the worst smelling cheese I've ever had.

But you put it in your mouth and it's absolute fireworks.

I loved it.

How interesting.

Was the person that owned the cheese shop someone that was on the first three series of Big Brother?

Because I seem to remember they use the word minger

frequently in those series.

It's such a horrible word, isn't it?

Yes.

What were the other cheeses called?

I think they do do another silly name's cheese, actually.

I bought it for the name, obviously, but of course it did taste very, very good.

So I would recommend a block of manga, but not to you if you don't like stinging.

Where did you get minga from?

Where's the shop?

Is it in London?

I bought minga from a cheese shop in Walthamstow called Froth and Rind.

Okay, right.

I might go and investigate there.

Personally, I'm very, very relieved that you've chosen cheese as your main course because

all too often we get people on here and choosing cheese as a dessert as if that counts as a dessert.

And it absolutely sends me through the roof.

Ed absolutely loves it.

I'm glad to be getting a whole weird cheese platter out of the way now.

So to accompany the cheeses, you would like a salad and some vegetables?

And some vegetables, yeah.

Is that all right?

You can have whatever you like, Joe.

Take us through what vegetables.

things that i that i really really like and i would just pick a big plate of vegetables and a and a big plate of salad as well and just are we talking like raw veg to go with the cheese or is it like cooked veg and which veg we need to know this well i like veg a bit sort of al dente because as a child when i had school dinners you never had anything that had been cooked for less than about a day and a half.

So it was absolutely revolting.

I love sprouts, but I don't don't like mushy sprouts.

So I'd have sprouts.

I love runner beans.

I love broad beans.

I love cauliflower.

I love cabbage.

So it'd be all those things lightly cooked and smothered with a bit of salt and pepper.

That sounds genuinely nice.

I love a veg as well.

I love veg.

I love salad, but I'm still struggling to get over the image of a dairy lie on a cheeseboard.

Sorry.

I mean, the whole thing, I'm struggling to really picture

this whole main course you've got where there's loads of cheeses sliced up a big salad and then this weird this combination of vegetables and I don't know what order you're eating all these things in I don't know if I had if I've got like you know like a Brussels sprouts and beans and then I'm going back and forth between that and my cheese board

Well, I think I can eat it in any order I want.

I mean, I think the problem is that over the years,

my eating patterns have become more and more disturbed and i don't do i've never done that thing of like although maybe i don't know once once a week sit down and eat what you would call a normal meal uh because um when i was a kid my mum went out to work when i was quite young so i had to sort of prepare food for my brothers So really,

I've never cooked them a meal because they didn't deserve it because they were horrible, the pair of them.

They got nicer, but you know,

so I just used to make the easiest thing I could, which meant that it didn't take very long and you could eat it watching telly instead of doing your homework because my parents never knew because they're both out.

So peanut butter sandwiches or something like that.

Maybe just one tomato as a nod to a bit of vitamin C, whatever.

So you're saying even now you wouldn't sit down for a meal with everyone in the house?

Well, I used to, but I just,

you know, I work kind of like different hours from everyone else.

For example, if I'm working in the evening,

I can't really eat before I go out to work.

So I tend to eat when I get in, and there's no one around going,

we've waited for you for dinner at half past 11.

Welcome home.

And here is a lovely hot pot for you that I know you've been looking forward to all night.

And also, as a nurse, as well, like you were, I worked weird hours and when I was meant to go to the canteen and eat something like like a proper meal I just never felt like it so I have like all totally wrong eating habits so I would much rather have something that that I liked rather than just some meal that someone else has cooked for me that I'm not interested in and this is the one opportunity I get to describe it fair enough magical yeah absolutely so what side dish are you going to choose to go with that this is the smorgasbord?

There's quite a lot going on already.

Absolutely.

Well, I would have sort of four or five different types of coleslaw.

Is that allowed?

Because I love that as well.

I didn't know there were four or five different types of coleslaw.

If you could please take us through them, Joe.

Yes, okay.

Well, there's the normal one, okay, where you just have like chopped up cabbage, onions, grated grated carrot with mayonnaise, okay,

right.

And then there's a type of colesaw that my mum used to make when we were kids, which had all that in it, but it also had grated cheese.

And instead of having mayonnaise, because we didn't have that in the 1960s, I don't know if you know that we had something called salad cream, which everyone on telly who's over the age of 60 keeps blarring on about and saying is great.

And everyone else who's under the age of 35 35 just turns their nose up and go, oh my God, it sounds appalling.

And it's great because I'm old.

And so I would have that.

I would have salad cream coleslaw instead of mayonnaise coleslaw.

But you've also got mayonnaise coleslaw as well, right?

Yes.

Okay.

And then you would have a type of coleslaw which has got all that in and you just add sort of extra bits in that you feel like doing.

So like a bit of raw cauliflower or you know, stuff that people would go.

I think you'll find that's not in traditional coleslaw.

Well, once on this podcast, is that every episode of this podcast, we have a secret ingredient that we don't like.

If the guest says they get chucked out of the restaurant, is it coleslaw?

Well, once,

luckily for you, no, it's not, but like one episode, it was coleslaw if it's got raisins in it.

Oh, because we did not allow that.

How are you?

How do you, where do you stand on raisins in coleslaw?

Totally anti-raisin.

I think it's the equivalent of having pineapple on a pizza.

Yeah, I completely agree.

I like that.

You don't.

I like pineapple on pizza.

Oh, James.

James.

Quite well.

I feel depressed now.

I do.

Joe feels depressed about your food choice.

And this is a lady who is currently halfway through listing five different types of coleslaw for her side dish.

That's who we're dealing with.

I mean, I would be offended if this wasn't the most disgusting menu we've ever had.

Well, that's good that you're not offended.

See, what I can't believe is that I can't believe that

people spend so much time thinking about and knowing about food and showing their food that they've just eaten online.

That to me is really disturbed behaviour.

That's my life.

Because

I couldn't give a shit what someone's just had for their dinner.

Honestly, I really couldn't.

And the more expensive and posher, the worse, the more angry I get, to be honest.

And I just think, eat it and enjoy it.

We don't care what you're eating.

Go away and just eat it yourself and put a cloth over it.

I think you would be surprised, Joe Brand, if you sat down one evening and and you had multiple portions of different coleslaw.

If you took a photo of that and shared it with the public, I think people would care.

I think people would be like, what?

What is she doing?

She's got five different types of coleslaw and she's sitting down to eat them all.

Right.

I'm going to put that on my Instagram and see what happens.

I'll let you know how many likes it got.

Oh, James, it's up to four.

Oh, I think it would go through the roof.

And you'd say to people, based on just the photo, tell me which, which is which, which coleslaw I've got here, what types I've got.

People have been throwing in suggestions, trying to guess which one's the salad cream.

Now, I've got to say, we're only three deep in the coleslaw, though.

I want to make sure we get to all five because we've got normal coleslaw, we've got salad cream and cheese coleslaw, and we've got one that is both of those, but with bits of cauliflower in.

So, yes, okay.

And then, also, I would get the one that

you have like fermented, one made with fermented cabbage,

the one you get in Germany.

What's that called?

Like sauerkraut.

Yeah, that's right.

Sauerkraut.

Sauerkraut coleslaw.

So basically, you ferment everything to the degree that the sauerkraut's fermented and just make a coleslaw out of that, really.

Nice.

Good for the that's good for the stomach as well, fermented things.

Is it?

Yeah, it is.

It's a bit late for me on that front, isn't it?

Really?

Anyway.

What's the final, the final coleslaw, Joe?

Not a question I ever thought I'd ask on this podcast.

The Yeah, the final coleslaw.

It is just what you might feel like putting in a coleslaw

on any given day when you same as the third one.

What?

The third one was coleslaw, but whatever you want to put on it.

Yes, but the third one's sensible things, and the fifth one is not sensible.

Okay, so hear the distant sound of a curly whirly being opened.

Well, I don't think quite that bad, but maybe like some chopped up Linda McCartney veggie sausages or, you know,

a bird's eye potato waffle chopped up and put in it.

Or, you know, anything you felt like on the day, a bit of rhubarb, whatever.

Really pimped up Coleslaw.

It seems like you found a bit of a loophole here.

We've interviewed so many comedians, Joe, and this is the first meal that absolutely screams something you'd eat when you got in from a gig and no one else is watching.

Yeah, I think so.

It sums it up perfectly.

I think so.

Like, for example, one breakfast we used to have when I was at college was fried bread sandwiches.

How horrendous is that really?

Great, though.

Delicious.

Oh my God, they were.

And especially when you're really hungover or when you're really pissed at the other end of the day.

Yeah, they were brilliant.

I used to do those as well.

I'd do cheese sandwiches in the bread and then fry it in a pan.

Oh, lovely.

So good.

Just oozing so many different types of things.

Now, I don't think I could cope with it now.

I made an omelette the other night.

I was like, I'm just going to, I'm really hungry.

I'm just going to make an omelette like I used to make an omelette, which is basically piles of about five different types of cheese in the omelette.

I got halfway through it and had to throw the rest away.

I felt so bad.

I felt like I had to wash my face.

Oh, so there's the five.

I didn't think you were going to get to it.

I thought you'd.

You'd said five types of coleslaw and you weren't going to, you didn't have five types of coleslaw planned, but you definitely did.

My favorite is obviously the final one, depending on that cap.

I mean, when the one that's got a burger in it or whatever.

Exactly.

I used to work for Dr.

Bernardo's and

we used to like, as a house mother, I shouldn't really have been in a position of authority there, but anyway, I was.

And we used to play a game where they liked playing it.

We didn't make them play it.

Quite the caveat.

Here we go.

How fucked up is this game?

Where you would have a blindfold on and then you would have a dish that that was a weird combination of foods that you would never eat and they had to guess what was in it.

I'm glad we got to that bit because when the blindfold got introduced, it sounded horribly similar to our sexual harassment travel show.

No, absolutely.

No,

there was no coercion at all involved in it.

And we used to play it as well.

Taste test.

It was a taste test, guys.

Yeah, it was.

It was good fun.

Joe, I made a wonderful Coleslaw the other day.

I'm going to see if you'd like this one.

And maybe it might replace itself in your lineup of coleslaws.

It might, it's auditioning.

It was a green chili coleslaw.

Cranky.

How do you feel about that?

Was it just a normal coleslaw with chilies in it as well?

You had mayonnaise in there and green chilies, which I like char-grilled on an open flame.

So it was a bit sort of smoky.

And it had ginger and garlic in there as well.

It's from Pitky.

Pitq is the name of the restaurant, but they have a cookbook and I cooked it from there.

It's quite labor-intensive, but it was really delicious.

Do Do you think that could find a way into your coleslaw lineup?

Definitely.

Let's call it sick.

Okay.

Okay, we'll just add it perfectly.

How do you feel, though, when you sometimes order a coleslaw in a restaurant and it arrives and there's no mayonnaise, no salad cream?

It's just like they've put some sort of vinaigrette on it and it's all, you know, shredded cabbage and stuff.

How do you feel when you get one of those?

Either homicidal or suicidal, depending on what sort of day it is.

I think one of the worst things as well is when you get coleslaw delivered and it's got a sort of crust on it because it's been sitting somewhere so long.

No, absolutely not.

That's not a good idea.

No.

Right, so that's the side dish.

Very well covered.

Five different types of coleslaw.

Then we come to your drink, which, I mean, all bets are off at this point.

I don't know what you're going to say from one course to the next.

It's been a roller coaster ride to drink.

are we going a liquid here or have you somehow got a solid?

Is it Coleslaw?

Well, no, I'd have

a Diet Cherry Coke and possibly a brandy in it at the end.

Sounds nice.

Diet Cherry Coke's your favourite soft drink?

Or favourite drink?

At all?

A favourite soft drink, yes.

Do you also drink full-fat Cokes?

Because

I only drink Diet Coke and to me, they taste like normal Coke.

Yeah, I force myself to like Diet Coke.

I didn't used to like them, but I over many years I have managed it.

Yeah, and I don't drink full fat Coke anymore.

Well, if I do, I have to go to confession, even though I'm not Catholic.

Yeah, when they see you coming, they know exactly what's happened.

The priest is like, Well, this she's only been in this church twice this year.

Whenever I go into the confession booth, and there's someone sat in the next door bit and they start burping, we know it's Joe Bran.

She's had a full fat Coke.

She sings the full holiday to Cubbin song from the advert

and then says she's sorry.

Leaves me a little pot of coleslaw outside the door and then leaves.

There's communion wafers in it.

I'm also a huge fan of Diet Cherry Coke.

But Joe, tell me, have you ever tried Pepsi Max?

Yes.

That's my favourite.

That is my favorite.

That's my treat.

If I'm driving back from a gig, I'll stop at a petrol station and buy myself a Cherry Pepsi Max.

I think it's, it's, oh, if that was booze, it would be my favourite drink of all time.

Yeah,

it is really lovely, yeah.

But as I can't, I don't actually see it very often.

It sort of tends to hide.

The premier shop near my flat, they do it.

Okay.

All year, all of 2020, especially during lockdowns and stuff.

If I want to treat myself, I'll walk all the way to the premier shop and get a big bottle of Cherry Pepsi Bax.

And then I'll walk back home

because I tell myself I've had a good walk.

Yeah.

Drink this Cherry Pepsi max.

Absolutely love it.

And they've got a good selection of ice cream there.

If you'd said that in 2019, I would think it was the most pathetic story of all time.

In 2020, I can associate with it.

It sounds genuinely like an exciting day.

Yeah.

Sounds like you've been doing a lot with yourself.

I'm really proud of you.

You go, James.

Really exciting day.

Thanks, man.

I'm lucky.

I've started getting dressed up to go to the shops.

This is where we're at.

I like putting on nice outfits to go out and there's nowhere to go out.

So now I'll have a little shower and put on a shirt that I've been looking forward to wearing and a new pair of trainers.

I'll go to the shop and then I'll come back and I'll sit down and think about what I've done

idiot you wear a nice little outfit to go to the the frothing cow or whatever the place is the froth and froth and rind yeah I had a nice outfit on for that I had a matching mask which actually I had a mask on when I bought it that's probably why I bought the manga because I didn't quite realize the full extent of the smell didn't know what was going on until you got home

I'm totally the opposite of you because I think I've got to go to the shop can I get away without wearing pants

So I'm totally the opposite.

I wish I was the sort of person that wanted to dress up and, you know.

But it's sort of made me, not in a bad way, but it's kind of made me lose the will to live a bit in terms of appearance, to be honest.

I had certain standards.

They've drifted away a long time ago.

So a cherry Diet Coke with a little bit of brandy and at the end.

Brandy's, is that your go-to booze or is that just like a little treat?

Well, I don't, I hardly drink at all anymore because I always think if you're going to drink, just get so rattassed that you behave really badly or don't bother.

I've never been able to do that sip a glass of wine thing and chat politely to people.

I'm no good at that.

So

I either drink nothing or I drink absolutely loads.

And obviously, I don't drink absolutely loads very often anymore, to be honest.

Just a little bit of brandy.

Cherry brandy.

I mean, you're putting it in the diet diet coke yeah yeah is it cherry brandy you're putting in the cherry diet coke or are you just having normal brandy

diet normal brandy i was going to say that would be mad but i just remembered what your menu has been so far

you putting cherry brandy in the cherry diet coke yeah you've put you've put a potato waffle in some coleslaw so

yeah

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So we arrive at your dessert, my favorite of all the courses.

We've got cheese out the way, so I'm feeling optimistic.

But who knows?

Is this going to be a Ben and Jerry's with all the bits removed?

No, it's going to be rhubarb crumble.

Nice.

Which I would have made myself because I don't like anyone else's.

It's kind of the one thing that I can cook, really, is that.

But I'd also, with it, I'd have custard.

and cream and ice cream as well.

Yes.

Talking about it.

That's what I'm talking about.

And I quite like that squirty cream that you can just squirt into your mouth while there's no other food in it as well.

So you're having that in between mouthfuls of the rhubarb crumble.

You're just squirting some of that in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you've got custard pouring cream.

You sounded so sad when you said it.

Yeah, I think I am.

Yeah.

So we've got custard pouring cream, ice cream, and the squirty cream.

Yes.

Yeah.

What kind of ice cream is it?

Very, very expensive vanilla ice cream.

And it's the custard like Madagascan.

Is it proper like vanilla-y custards?

I think so, but made by Mr.

Marks and Mr.

Spencer.

I'm not very good at making custard, to be honest, so I'd get it from a shop.

It does seem like an absolute faff, doesn't it?

The custard thing.

Especially if you've made a crumble, you don't want to have to make the custard as well.

No, exactly.

And ruin it by having slightly lumpy or the wrong consistency or whatever when other people do it so much better.

Take us through your rhubarb crumble.

Do you mind giving away your secrets?

Because my mum makes an amazing rhubarb crumble.

I tried to make an apple crumble at the beginning of the first lockdown and it was an absolute disaster.

Why?

I don't know.

It was just too wet.

It wasn't crumbly enough on top and then the filling was too wet and it just, it wasn't right, Joe.

And it made me sad.

But my mum's rhubarb crumble is incredible.

That reminds me of like Sunday lunches at my mum's big rhubarb crumble, big helping a rhubarb crumble afterwards.

And then cart door vanilla ice cream.

Oh, yes, and and pouring cream.

You're right, you got to have both.

What are you doing?

You do anything special?

What's your trick?

No, see, my trick is not to do anything special because, like, you know, sometimes you go, like, if you go for a Christmas meal somewhere, someone spread a bit of jam on the carrots because they think it's like Christmas, like it's special, or they sprinkled sesame seeds over the cabbage, or, you know, they've

braised it in honey or something.

The thing I like about sort of vegetables and fruit is not anything else mixed in with them.

I particularly hate it when people mix kind of cinnamon and stuff like that into things.

That's an abomination in my book.

So, what I would do is actually, I think rhubarb's much nicer without loads of sugar in it, because if it's really, really sweet, it kind of gets rid of the point of eating rhubarb, which is quite tangy and sharp.

And I don't like that forced rhubarb, which is a kind of unnatural pink colour that's that's grown in some farmer's shed.

The one you can hear growing, the one you can hear it screaming, yeah,

like marijuana conditions.

Um,

I like the one that grows outside and it looks green and red, and it's very sharp.

That's too sweet, the forced rhubarb, I think.

Oh, here's a nice story as well.

And uh, a friend of mine had um, oh, I think it was she was at some very posh dinner, and they had raspberries and cream for pudding and about 40 of them there was 150 of them at the dinner got hepatitis b

from the raspberries and it was because the people picking the raspberries had piss had a piss in the fields and one guy had hepatitis and loads of people got it anyway there you go there's a nice it's so nice to frame the menu with piss yeah

i always like a health warning through my meals just so people know wash things wash things before you

wash your rhubarb you know yeah just in case someone's wandered along and had a little whiddle on it

i want a can of rhubarb causten press now ed oh james loves rhubarb causten press so much causten causten causten press when i was a baby i dreamed from the brace

james knows knows that last time he sung that song, Corston Press sent him a big crate of Corston Press.

So he's singing it again because he's run out of cans.

Yeah, I've run out of cans, so I'd like some more.

Corston, Corston, Corston Press.

You ask me if I want one, I say yes.

Does that actually work?

Does it?

Yeah, it does work.

Joe, it genuinely tends to work.

So if there's anything that you'd like a delivery of, it's worth just shouting out on the podcast now and they'll probably get in touch with you.

Well, the thing is, Ed, I just, I actually, really, just don't do that.

Because if ever anyone sends me anything, I feel guilty.

So I don't, I'd send it back.

And I once did something and they gave us all an iPhone and I refused to accept mine because I just felt I wouldn't be allowed to go on the telly and go.

Those iPhones, they're shit, aren't they?

If I wanted to, which I probably would never want to.

But so I'm not going to sing Corst and Press, but I have said Curly Whirly, but I'm not trying to get some Curly Whirlies.

I'd just like to make that perfectly clear.

I'm really laughing, imagining you singing the Corst and Press song now, Joe.

So, just to say, there's some very nice rhubarb tea bags.

Have you ever tried that?

I can't remember who makes them.

I think it's oh, well, it's some posh tea company, but anyway, they're lovely.

I'm going to read you your menu back now, Joe, and we're going to see

what you think.

Yeah, I have to.

We definitely have to.

I will tell you this before I read it.

This is

the wordiest menu we've ever had.

This is

the most that is like a short story because

water, sparkling, popular numbers or bread, baguette with butter, starter, a Greek mesae without most of the things that Joe doesn't like.

So you want to keep taramus a lata, hummus, olives, random bits of meat, which we never got into what they are.

Breadsticks, cheese straws, mini pork pies, cocktail sausages, and gherkins.

May calls.

Red Leicester, Shropshire Blue, Brie, Borsan, Dairy Lee, Sprouts, Broadbeans, Runner Beans, Caulour, and a salad.

Fair enough.

Side dish.

The sprouts is the left turn there for me.

Yeah.

Side dish.

Normal mayonnaise coleslaw, salad cream coleslaw with grated cheese.

Coleslaw that is both of those, but with bits of cauliflower in it.

It's fermented sauerkraut coleslaw and coleslaw with whatever you feel like putting in, such as Lyndon McCartney, veggie sausages, a bursai potato waffle, or a bit of rhubarb, plus

Ed's green chili coleslaw

oh yeah that you only heard about today

uh drink diet cherry coke with some brandy uh put in right at the end and for dessert you would like your own homemade rhubarb crumble with custard with pouring cream squirty cream expensive vanilla ice cream yeah that's that's the whole that's the whole whole book

I think that sounds lovely I love it you're not you're not convinced you too but you know well no to be honest i'd eat i'd eat every single bit of that sure would you yeah of course i would i don't and i definitely if i walked back in from working at half 11 at night to my house and no one else was there but that was all perfectly laid out in front of me i'd absolutely go to town on that i'll glad to hear it delicious yeah i mean

it's madness obviously isn't it joe the whole thing's madness but i'd i'd eat it well it is but i think you know i kind of thought of this as like

well come up with a meal that you've got everything in it that you really love yeah so i so i kind of did Yeah, no, you smashed it.

Thank you very much, Joe Brand.

That was a wonderful menu.

Lovely to see you.

Such a pleasure, Joe.

Thank you so much.

Well, there we are, James.

It's the final episode of the series, and what a menu to end it on from Joe Brand.

There, that was it was a wordy old menu.

There was a lot of stuff in there, a lot of detail, and

Joe, what it was a privilege.

It was a privilege to talk about it.

It was an absolute privilege to talk to Joe.

At one point, you branded it

the most disgusting menu we've ever had.

Well, yeah, I'm not rolling that out.

I'm just trying to think back to all the other menus we've had, and in terms of ones that actually, I mean, I would eat all the things that she said, I just don't know if I'd want them together.

Yeah, I mean, I agree, individually, all great, um, together, bit weird, but for the right occasion, it feels like a buffet where at a wedding where they spent most of the money on the dress, yeah.

Although, you know, that rub up crumble, it was just good.

I like everything on it.

I don't know.

I don't know why I'm saying this.

I like everything on it.

I'd eat it.

Right.

But crucially, she didn't say C.

Buckthorne, which would not have gone well on that, on that menu.

Yes.

Can't thank her enough for not saying C.

Buckthorn.

That would have been awful.

And I mean,

you know, the list was piling up every time for each course.

So there was always a chance.

As she was getting to Coleslaw 5, I was thinking, I mean, what's she throwing into that?

Technically, she did say Coleslaw 5 was whatever you want to put in it.

So C.

buckthorne sure could have been in it sure we could have just gone we could have been mini mean and gone how about if we wanted to put c buckthorne in there if she says yes

but thank you very much for coming in joe uh look what does joe brand need pluggie she's joe brand sure bake off extra slice i think there's probably one episode of that left the series is nearly over uh

i don't know if you're watching bake off but we're recording this the day after her mean got kicked out and i'm fucking livid it's angry i don't know what he's talking about.

I can't watch Bake Off because of flashbacks.

Surely you can watch the proper one.

No.

No.

I can't see that tent.

Do you feel like the tent did it to you?

Yeah, as soon as I see the tent, I feel like, oh no, there's something in the oven.

I'm meant to be doing something.

Well,

let's not give too much away about that story because, of course, you do tell the story of your time on Bake Off on...

your new special James, which I understand is available to watch very soon.

Yes, it's going to be streaming as live on the 17th of December, 8 o'clock.

And you can buy tickets at DICE FM.

It's a two-hour long show, little interval there, give yourself a breather as well.

And yeah, I talk about my time on Bake Off.

I talk about the best year of my life and the worst year of my life as well.

I'm very excited.

I'm very, very proud of it, Ed.

As proud as I am of this podcast.

You know, I have heard the advert, the other advert you did for your special where you say that it's the proudest thing that you've ever done.

I think you describe it as the proudest thing you've ever done, which doesn't quite make sense.

And then you say, even more than this podcast.

I have heard that, so there's no point trying to background now.

I've got Benito to edit that line out.

He did not.

Then I stand by it.

I was in the audience for one of the recordings, James.

Will I be getting lots of tweets asking me if it's my laugh in the audience, or can you not hear me this time?

Oh, there is one in particular where

I refer to the British public as a bunch of absolute scabs and you can hear you laugh quite loudly.

Good, right, okay, good.

Because I was worried because I had quite a bad cough at the time of recording.

This was pre-corona.

Although maybe I was patient zero.

I had quite a bad cough.

So I was trying to keep that in because I was aware it was being recorded and as such probably didn't laugh as much as I wanted to.

So I've never apologised to you for that before, but I'm sorry.

But luckily, everyone around me was laughing.

It's an amazing show.

I can't wait for for people to to be able to see it thank you ed i'm so excited um i'm going to watch it on dice.fm uh discount code provided i hope uh and i'll be uh i'll be watching it with a cold lasagna

how does that sound if i watch it with a plate of cold lasagna and put it on my instagram can i have a free ticket yes you can especially if you hate yourself i do

so thank you very much for listening to the off menu podcast this series uh you have been wonderful listeners as always we really appreciate appreciate you listening.

Please keep doing so.

Uh, and if you're very lucky, uh, over the Christmas period, we'll be dropping a couple of cheeky little Christmas presents into your stockings.

And by stockings, I mean podcast feed, and by cheeky little Christmas presents, I mean episodes.

So, Christmas specials.

All right, I love you.

Bye.

Bye, goodbye.

Ever wondered about the world's greatest mysteries?

Who built the pyramids?

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Is time travel possible?

No, Matt.

From invisibility to whether aliens are living amongst us.

It's Microscope, the improvised comedy show from the award-winning John Kearns and me, Matt Ewins, an all-round nice guy.

Where's it available?

I'll tell you, iTunes, Spotify, ACAST, and all the other places you get podcasts from.

It's Microscope.

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