Ep 76: Claudia Winkleman

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

Ever heard of the Royal Albert Hall?

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

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Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

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Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, the podcast that's so cool you have to get it out of the freezer for about 10 minutes before you even try to put a spoon in it.

Hello, James.

Don't put a spoon in me, Ed.

When you get ice cream out, do you leave it out for a bit or do you go straight in?

Because my fiancé, she hates it that I get the ice cream out and leave it for a few minutes before I have it.

She likes it, she likes it hard and you can take that as you wish.

I have met these kind of people.

I personally like to leave it for a while.

When I was a kid, my mum got an ice cream maker, little machine at one point, and we would just have it straight out the machine without even freezing it.

That's how much we love

the the sloppy ice cream straight out of the ice cream maker i like to get a tub i let it melt i don't let it melt completely but i like it soft and i like it smooth the people who like it hard straight out the freezer i don't fully understand them i don't think you get as much nice flavor in it i don't think it tastes as nice yeah flavors aren't as nice it's not as satisfying on the tongue

I mean, it's another red flag for your fiancé, for me, but again, you like it that, you know, that you like different things.

Actually, no, maybe that makes it worse for you because she goes crazy when you let it melt.

Yeah, I'm more of a...

I don't mind if it turns a bit soupy.

I like a midpoint between very hard and soupy is where I'm at with the ice cream.

Me too.

Two spoons, please.

Me and Ed are sharing this tub.

Well, if you found that chat boring, do not continue listening to the podcast because that's very much the vibe of it.

This is a food podcast, James, where we ask a special guest what?

Their favourite ever starter main course dessert side dish and drink.

And this week's special guest is

Claudia Winkleman.

Claudia Winkleman off the telly, a brilliant TV presenter, broadcaster.

She hosts Strictly Come Dancing.

It's only like the biggest show in the country, James.

Claudia Winkleman, there's nothing that she can't do.

And we're so honoured to have her on the podcast.

But Ed, listen, if she says the secret ingredient, I will kick her out myself.

Yeah, you will.

I know you will.

And you'll kick her out with a little shimmy, won't you, James?

Like a Strictly Come Dancing dancer.

Yes.

Ole.

and the special ingredient this week is guava guava you suggested this one James yes what you got against guava I'm not a particular you know I'm not a guava stan I don't love guav but what what do you hate about it the first time I had the guav was in a yoghurt and I was a kid and I just didn't like the consistency of it I didn't like the guava yoghurts and it turned me off of them.

And I've since, they've maybe popped up in various little dishes every now and again.

It's never stole the show from me, never seemed necessary.

Look, I'm open to it.

I'm not going to turn it down if someone offers me some guav.

But in general, I would not rather have no guav.

I know, like, it's totally not a show stealer because

it's always on like an exotic fruit plate.

Yes.

It's never...

You'd never say, I'd like a bowl of guav, please.

It's always there, unwanted, as an extra little side.

But, you know,

if I went to a fancy restaurant,

you know, a Blumental kind of thing, and they had guava as the dessert, and it was just guav,

I might be excited about that.

Sure.

But he'd do something crazy with it.

He'd like make a guava lamp or something.

Imagine that.

Imagine

just all the guava just floating around in the water.

So, can we say if Claudia Winklepops picks guava by itself, then we're kicking her out.

But if she picks a guava lamp, she can stay.

She can stay if she picks a guava lamp.

Okay, good.

And Claudia has written a book called quite which I'm sure we'll mention during the episode but that comes out if you're listening to this on the day that this podcast came out it comes out tomorrow which is the first of October so go out and buy Claudia Winkleman's book quite now obviously because of the global situation

we are recording remotely James as well you know it's pretty good though because all this zoom business i think we get guests that we couldn't get otherwise i don't think we would have snagged winkleman if we wouldn't have got winkelman are you joking absolutely not we couldn't have have got Winkleman at all.

Plus, this way we record the episodes and then I'm straight in the kitchen to eat.

Before we had to do them, all out we had to all go to the same place, little room together, have the podcast, be starving afterwards because we talked about food, and then have to figure out where we can go and get some food.

I've got some food snacks lined up right through there, Ed.

What have you got?

What's your post-poddy snack?

Guava.

So, without further ado, here's the off-menu menu of Claudia.

Winkleman.

Welcome, Claudia Winkleman, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you so much.

I can't believe it.

Thank you so much for having me.

I've listened to each one.

You can test.

Oh, sorry.

No, don't never apologise.

He always waits for the most inopportune moment to pop out of his lamp.

Welcome, Claudia.

Winkleman to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

Thank you for having me.

James.

Although, I should tell you, I'm sort of having a low-level panic about my choices and what I've left out.

And my 17-year-old went, you're mint, because he listens, he's obsessed.

He was like, you're what?

So

anyway, just wanted to say all of that out loud, really.

But

isn't that the default position for all 17-year-olds is you what?

Yeah,

you're a loser.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They want to talk to you, mum.

Why?

Because of the dancing.

That's embarrassing.

Thanks, Jake.

Have a great day at school.

It sounds like a laugh.

Yeah.

Is it edible?

It's edible.

He is edible.

Is he one of your choices?

No.

No one's chosen that before.

Yeah, no one's chosen

their own offspring as a choice before.

Weird that.

Well, welcome.

Before the genie interrupted, you were saying you've listened to the podcast before, and then the genie came and ruined the compliment.

So thank you very much for listening to previous episodes, Claudia.

No problem.

It's a brilliant podcast.

I'm obsessed.

It really makes the record easier because quite often we have people who come in and it's like they've never even had food before let's listen to the podcast

they don't know what a genie is they don't know what a pop-a-dom is

very difficult yeah problematic how many foods can you name

it's a big question to start with james you've never you've never asked someone to name as many foods as they can I'm asking for a number rather than Claudia to start reading off foods.

Oh, right.

Okay, can we go through the aisles?

How many foods do you

estimate you could name?

This is such a good question because you don't want to overshoot.

Like, I'm tempted to say, eight.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

I think that's a chicer answer.

Bread, pasta, potatoes, juice.

What's your point?

Let's go night night.

But genuinely, I think I could name more.

Because when you said you could name eight there, you named four and then said, let's go night night.

So I'm not sure you could do the egg.

I'm not sure I could do the egg.

I mean, you panic and then focus in.

Suddenly you are in the frozen aisle and you've only got you've got peas and corn, that's it, because nobody wants to eat other frozen vegetable.

It shouldn't be named, it shouldn't be given the attention.

What I would say is that James has already said he's not going to make you list foods, but ask for a number.

So I think you could say any number and then you'll never have to prove it.

No, no, no, no, no, because suddenly you're in a trap because I say 432 and then we forget the podcast.

Don't worry about what you'd have.

Never mind what kind of water you choose.

And all of a sudden, I'm going through the seas, coriander, couscus, which is a disgrace, by the way, if anybody's listening and owns couscus.

And then, yeah, and then all of a sudden, I'm sweating and it's bad to sweat with this much spray tan on.

And we'd all end up weeping, and that would be the end.

I'd get fired.

I'd go and have to live in a hedgehog sanctuary, and it's all over.

You seem quite worried about the spray tan.

There was a lot of talk about the spray tan before we started recording.

I got overexcited last night.

That's all.

That's not code for anything.

I just put too much tan on.

How does it work?

A home spray tan?

I've never done it.

Oh, well, let me organise that for you immediately.

So a lovely girl could...

Don't worry.

Let's pause.

A lovely girl called Sophia, beautiful, right?

Breathtaking.

Comes around, pops up a tent, magic.

And it's just erected.

You get in there, you turn slowly like a vehicle.

You're sprayed.

There are different numbers you can ask for.

You know, you'd want an eight.

An eight because I'm naturally blue.

Like an eight is fine.

Yesterday, I went, let's just take this upper notch, went 12, which is why I look like I've slept in Minute Maid.

None of this is interesting.

None of this should make it in.

It is interesting.

It absolutely is interesting.

That's more food than you can name.

Did you make that decision before Sophia arrived, or was it a spur of the moment thing?

Were you like,

we get on really well?

We get on really well.

We've been together for years.

I was like, let's go mad.

That's a big leap.

An eight

or twelve.

I've done a 10 before, strictly final, obviously, but I've never gone 12.

So, Claudia, you say you agonised over your choices.

Does that mean

you're a foodie?

You like your food?

I absolutely love food.

And, you know, I'm taking it possibly too seriously.

You know, this isn't casual.

This isn't an enjoyable chat.

This is an, oh, you like bread.

It's not that.

This is marked down.

This is placed.

This is mentioned.

This is, I mean, we might as well engrave it into stone.

So I was, there were some things I couldn't disagree with.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Done.

Finished.

But there is a gaping omission in my choices, which I don't know whether I can live with.

I'm going to try,

but that's all I'm saying.

Just for the listener, James, in an effort to get closer to his microphone, has now lay down on the floor with one hand on his knee, which is raised in quite a loose.

I'm saying Miami Vice.

i'm also saying michael jackson's uh thriller album cover yeah absolutely that's the best is everyone all right with that yeah i think so i wasn't going to mention it i thought maybe this is just what happens when he records the podcast he gets into the position i quite like it james there's a different michael jackson body position for every single episode and uh thank god we've got the thriller album cover today because it can go weird what other body positions are you thinking of I should probably move it away from Michael Jackson now.

Let's.

Yeah, I would.

I would.

I got mad the minute I said it.

I was like, oh, this isn't going in.

This is just a waste of everybody's time.

Every time you think something's not going in, that's what's going in, Claudia.

Oh, interesting.

It's mainly going to be Spray Tan and Michael Jackson this podcast.

I'm just putting on some white lipstick.

I would say, if you're worried that your spray tan is too extreme, white lipstick isn't going to do you.

By the way, you're not wrong.

But I need, I need the contrast.

I want to look like I've kissed Tipx.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Bright orange, black all over the eyes, white mouth, ready to order.

Okay, yes.

Do you know what I mean?

No.

Well, I know what you mean and I don't know what you mean.

You describe it very well, so visually I know exactly what you're talking about, but I don't know what you mean by that is what you want to happen to you.

Sure, sure.

Well, I mean, that's a long conversation.

Let's not pull on that string.

But agreed.

But it's sort of armour, armour orange white black fringe ready i'm now in the dream restaurant before we bring the water to the table uh we don't want to spill any water on this book that's on the table oh that's an interesting book it's a book you've written claudia do you want to tell us about that i would prefer to get onto the water but i'll tell you briefly it's a collection of i used to write a column forever for the independent and the sunday times it's like a collection of essays it's about t-shirts black boots melted cheese sleeping with nice boys i I mean,

there's food content.

Whoa, I want to hear that.

There's food content.

There's definitely food content because, as we know, melted cheese is the answer to everything.

So, let's pop the book back on the shelf.

We might be hearing more about the melted cheese later on and bringing it to you.

It's adorable how you got it in there, though, by the way, Ed.

Adorable.

Little sparkling water, Claudia.

Um,

neither, thank you.

I don't,

I don't like or believe in it.

I don't I won't have it.

I won't have it.

If you're walking towards my table and there's a water glass on there and you lean forward, tap or spark, you know, it's a solid no.

I've never knowingly had water.

I don't like it.

The whole thing is arrogant and smug.

There's just a whiff of check me out and I don't, I don't, I won't have it.

I won't have it around.

Claudia, you're you're sounding dangerously like one of those anti-face mask people at the moment.

I love, no, it's not true.

I love a face mask.

I'm always in a face mask, but I don't...

But then when people drink it, like my husband drinks water, great

amounts of water, and I really like him, but it is, it's problematic.

Don't touch me, Claude, take your bra off.

Don't think so.

That was disgusting.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I'm a glugger.

I get all my, like, my day's water.

I'll just have it by the sink and glug it all down in big pint cups.

Like when you open your throat.

Yeah, just pour it in.

Like a raw egg in Rocky.

Like it's, ah, this is going down.

Yeah.

Why?

I mean, am I an old prune?

Sure, sure, sure.

But I'm never thirsty.

I've never been thirsty.

You know, there are people who are thirsty.

I've never been, I'm 48.

I'm entirely made of spray tan.

I've never, you know, people are like, oh, I'd do anything for a drink.

That's because they've gone down the route of giving their bodies liquid.

And so then they want more.

The key is none.

That's a really, a really interesting theory you've got there.

People are thirsty because they've drunk.

No, I don't know why people are thirsty.

Maybe they've been outside.

I don't go outside.

So sure, there are things that can make one thirsty, but I don't want water anywhere near me with its, it's like yoga or hummus.

It's just all check, you know, look at me.

Look what I can do for you.

I'm not sure you can lump all those things together.

I think water has probably more of a backstory than yoga and hummus listen I know that water my little one is doing the water cycle now yada yada you know evaporation precipitation whatever I get it I like the sea I like looking at a river do I want to drink it do I want to ingest it do I want to hear myself swallow

it's a solid no so thank you lovely water waiter but it's

not here not it not on my watch no I mean move along I will accept that you don't want water That's fine.

Did I go in too hard?

It's because I'm expecting to watch it.

I think we're skimming over your reasoning a little bit too much at this point because

you are talking about water as if it's a fad, as if it's a new thing that people have got into that you think is ridiculous.

No, all right.

Can I expand on this?

You can, but also you're going to have to expand on the fact that you think the reasons that you don't like what you claim that you've never been thirsty and that the reason for that might be because you've never been outside and you never want to hear yourself.

I don't like water, which you think is limited to water at this point.

I think one gets warm and thirsty when they are either doing some form of movement, which I don't do, or they're outdoors, you know, and suddenly everyone's in the sun, they're wearing flip-flops, they're holding massive bottles of water, like the size of my nine-year-old.

Oh, I'm so thirsty.

Do you want some?

Oh, we've got a straw.

Oh, yeah, it's made of bamboo.

I'm so thirsty.

I don't leave my bed, but if I did leave my bed, so I don't really build up a thirst.

You know what I mean?

That's A.

B, I don't like the taste of it.

Sparkling is too much of a shock, right?

Well, it is as if you never drink water.

I can imagine it is a shock.

It's like a slap around the face of bubbles and liquid.

There's too much going on.

Oh my goodness, bubbles.

And then it comes out of people's noses.

I'm only guessing here.

And then,

or there's there's just pure water.

H2O.

Look at me.

How do you stay so beautiful?

Oh, I just drink water.

But I think this is James's point.

I feel like we've talked about it for too long.

Well, no, not at all.

Whenever you characterize someone who drinks water, you do it like it's a hipster thing, like it's only started, you know, since 2010.

My parents don't drink water, they're completely anti-it.

No, they're not completely anti-it.

I don't know if I've ever seen them.

Oh, my dad had a glass of water.

Yeah, the other day and i questioned him about it but

why

why would anyone see anyone else drinking a

glass of water and go uh a few questions all right imagine you're on a date right i mean i've been married to i've been with the same man for 100 years but imagine you're on a date you go in he's all sort of twinkly and a little bit you know he's wearing a fisherman sweater with some paint on it because sometimes he paints and he's sitting there and he's like i i don't know what to have what are you gonna have or maybe we should have the same thing and somebody comes around and they go, would you like some water?

And he goes, yeah, sure.

And they give him like a pint glass of water and he drinks the whole thing.

Are you going to want to kiss this man?

Or more?

Are you going to what?

No.

Lovely white mouth.

A wet mouth with a big, fleshy tongue that's covered in liquid.

I want to like a dry, shriveled up little man.

I want to sleep with Mr.

Burns.

He doesn't drink water.

I want him at the table.

Oh no, I won't have water.

And then just sits there and nibbles on some crusty bread.

So back to yours.

Here's the problem with that, I'm going to say, is that while I believe you that you've described what you like, you have, and this is a, this is a mistake a lot of comics make when we start out, is that we think an observation about us is universal to everybody else.

And we say it on stage like everybody does it.

What you have described there is two situations, one of which most people would be fine with, kissing a wet-mouthed man their life and the other one most people would find physically repulsive is kissing mr burns after he's eaten the cracker yeah oh i'm all over it or especially a car's cracker or better a bath oliver dry crispy full of flakes

which sometimes spit out spit out all over your neck Also, we seem to have stumbled across a belief you have that drinking water, your tongue then absorbs the water and it makes it massive.

It doesn't make it...

The tongue is not a sponge.

I did biology.

But I also know that it's the demeanor.

It's the, yeah, now let's get on with ordering our food.

Yeah, what do you want?

I might have the pasta.

I've just lost my erection.

Thanks very much.

Night, nine.

And what do you, I mean, what do you cook pasta in?

Let's not, let's, I mean, sure, we can play that game.

Yeah.

Yeah, diet seven up.

No, I cook it in water.

But I'll tell you what, then I don't siphon it off and save it and then let the nice cool starchy pasta water be my breakfast no one does that no because your husband just gets straight in there and laps it up like a cat just don't like liquid I don't like wine there's all kinds of stuff is this too weird I'm a big fan of uh firsts on this podcast and I think it's the first time someone's turned down the water course yeah I don't want it I'd say a massive thank you I'm very polite I was a waitress for four years I'm super smiley Thank you so much, but no, thank you.

Poppin' up to our bread.

Pop it up to your bed, Claudia Winkleman.

This is very good.

Not poppadoms.

I only like poppadoms if they're very greasy.

Not greasy, but I don't like them to be too dry.

Am I allowed?

Hold on a second.

You're going completely against everything you just laid out there.

I know.

Just stay with me.

You hate the dry poppadums.

You want Mr.

Burns to have a poppadum?

I like a poppadum with a sheen, a poppadum that looks like it might have just started sweating.

That's my favourite poppadum, but I really love bread.

But I don't want a hard bread.

I don't want a seeded bread.

I don't want to, let me just get into there.

I don't want an olive bread with pumpkin seeds on it.

What I'd really like, am I allowed a toaster on the table?

Yes.

Absolutely.

I'd like some appliances.

So I'd like a toaster on the table and I'd like, I'm going to use the word bloomer, a white bloomer, you know, a sort of doughy soft.

If you put your face in it, it will leave the indentations.

I want toasted at three, not at four, not at five.

I'm not a lunatic.

Three.

The reason why I need the toaster at the table, because the minute it comes out, I need butter on it.

The minute, not in the kitchen.

You know, when you take toast out, maybe you put it in a thing and then a bit later you put butter on.

It has to be,

burn your hands on the shh, butter, butter disappears, gone,

all the way through.

And then I'd like a little bit of Marmite.

I love Marmite.

I love Marmite.

It's still the king.

One of my kids is called Marmite.

I'm joking.

But I would have done it.

I believed it.

I would have believed it.

Have you ever had toast out or bread can also be soft?

Cream cheese, then Marmite.

I think you've ever been.

James, is there a cafe?

Sorry, James.

Were you about to say about the cafe at Brixton Village?

Yes.

I can't.

I mean, we were literally saying the same thing and we spoke over each other.

Carry on.

But that's adorable.

You're like twins.

I find this very moving.

Speaking of twins.

Speaking of twins, how is your twin, Claudia?

Do I have a twin?

Yes, you both tried to sue Mark Zuckerberg because he stole Facebook off of you.

Oh, yes.

She's fine.

Is that what you're completely fine?

Was that your prep for this podcast?

Was writing that joke down on a little bit of paper and you couldn't wait to get it in somewhere?

I could only do it if Claudia organically bought up twins and I can't believe it happened.

Can't believe it paid off.

Five minutes in.

Yep, had to do it.

There is a cafe in Brixton Village called the Burnt Toast Cafe and they have toasters on the table where you can do your own toast.

Right, you need to go there.

Lovely toast smell.

And once for my birthday, I wanted to go all around Brixton Village because I love it so much and just eat all day.

And we went there, a whole bunch of us in the morning and we were there first and Ed was there and so was Nish Kumar and the lady who runs the Burnt Toast Cafe loves Mock the Week and she came out and she was like, ah, James.

And then she saw Ed and she went, Ed.

And then she saw Nish and went, Nick.

And then she was calling him, she called him Nick for the whole meal.

And she started calling him Big Nick, and it was the best birthday present I've ever had.

Big Nick!

A gift.

Big Nick!

What are your toppings at this place?

What are your toppings?

I mean, can you have there jams?

Is there marmalade?

Yes.

What is that?

Yes.

Anything you want.

Jams, marmalade, marmite.

Obviously loads of butter.

Peanut butter.

Also, when you were saying earlier about toast and the settings being wrong,

I was thinking about maybe sophia could come over with her spray gun spray some bread for you

make you look like toast maybe we should change the numbers yeah yeah basically i want to look like toast you want to look like toast you know the numbers i always thought it represented the strength of the heat that the bread was getting but it's just time it's time yeah i didn't know that i blew my mind

the same heat i didn't know that until just now pretty incredible right that is mind-blowing so you thought five was a force of

and one was just a gentle...

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Like a stroke.

Yeah, like a little kitten.

I bet a lot of people listening to this didn't know that.

It's the kind of thing that you assume when you're younger, you never have a conversation about it.

Correct.

And nothing ever happens that makes you think otherwise.

You go, oh, well, eight is hotter than two.

And then it comes out more burns.

You go, yeah, it must have been.

Does your toaster go to eight?

Currently, I'm house sitting for my parents, and all they've got got is frozen bread.

But when you say all they've got is frozen bread, they've also got a toaster, right?

You've not been eating frozen bread for the last few days.

A gentleman never tells.

So we come to your starter now.

This is where I guess it gets a little bit tense for you.

No, I get really tense over the main course.

This had to be in.

I feel bad because I've just had toast and marmite.

But I couldn't have a menu, and I told you I'm taking this too seriously, without the following on it and it is a tuna melt.

It is and everyone needs to just deal with it because it's the best thing in the whole world and if you've ever had a good tuna melt steam will come out of your ears you will cry angels will sing and dolphins dance and I yeah I hope it's dolphin friendly too.

Yeah

and I think I was 15 and I had it and

I mean, I almost cried, I almost defecated.

I mean, I almost, I'd never eaten.

I always knew that cheese on toast, my parents are like, we believe in cheese on toast, Worcester sauce.

That was often tea, like three times a week.

I mean, of course it was, as salty as possible.

No water.

No water.

Yeah.

No water on the table.

Absolutely none.

Don't even look at the tap.

Mug and Lee and Perrins for the bottle.

Yeah.

Big mug of mug of it.

Oh, I would drink that, a huge mug of it.

I'd pour it all over myself.

I also want to be the colour of Worcester sauce.

Here's a question for you, Claudia, before we go on.

Who would you rather hang out with, Lee or Perrin?

Or Perrin?

Yeah,

why Perrin?

Perrin's filthy.

Lee's a good guy.

He turns up.

He sorts it all out.

He's organised.

Perrin is outside by the bins, having a fag.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Definitely.

I think that's completely affirmative.

That's why he's second.

Like, he's lucky enough to be in the team.

And so he's not bothered about being the first person.

Also, Lee without Perrin is...

well, just Lee.

Do you want to go to the pub with Lee?

No, thanks very much.

Perrin's here.

Oh, yeah.

Could Perrin get that up and going?

Not by himself.

Lee.

They are a duo.

They are, James, you could say, twins.

I think you've absolutely nailed that.

I'll never get a better answer to that question.

What's happening in the tuna melt?

Take us through the different components of the tuna melt.

This is going to bore you to tears, so if you two want to have a nap, I get it.

Toast in, but only at two.

There is no colour on the toast.

If you like, you're just...

You're just hardening the bread.

You're just giving it a bit more oomph.

Because if it's totally soft, fine, eating too messy but basically you want a soft bread not with toast under the grill that's madness is this the same bread that you had for the bread course by the way yes because let's use everything up no waste but i know this is my dream restaurant nothing is wasted but still i'm very happy with a sort of a doughy ballooner it will have to be sliced i can't slice bread I mean I can, but it's a mess.

This comes out in a separate bowl.

What you're doing is you're using tuna in olive oil, not brine.

That stuff should be illegal.

In there, you're adding mayo, lots of lemon juice and ring-a-ding-ding Tabasco.

You're mixing all that.

That is a delicious hotchpotch of mess.

Like, what's that on your neck?

Just a bit of tuna that I made.

Oh, can I eat it off?

Sexy tuna on the toast, all the way to the edges.

Not an embarrassing little circle in the middle.

Go

spread out all the way to the edges.

We're going to make a mess.

Everyone needs to suck it up.

I have a 17-year-old.

It will tidy.

Good.

On top of that, you are going to slice not some mature cheddar cheddar let's not fight with the taste it's please so sorry i'm loving this

no i'm not i absolutely i know what he's gonna say

yep please could you continue to refer to it as cheddy not cheddar

i love i love mature i'm really sorry i'm really sorry but i was overexcited yeah but i i want to i want it to stick to cheddar please okay cheddar you're going to get you're not going mild but you're also you're not going mature i'd i'd like a light to medium cheddar cheddar cheddar

and you're slicing that in quite big hunks what you're not doing is you're not doing it with a mandolin not you ever would I don't have a mandolin but I don't want anything polite here it's big slices you put that on you put it under the grill it comes out

cut it ask people to come they will never leave delicious not with a glass of water my friend but you eat that and that's mind-blowing and I'm older than both of you put together but I remember when tuna melts did not exist in this country.

Does that make any sense?

Like, nobody had a tuna melt, it was 20 years before Ed's diner.

I've been here since the dinosaurs, and I was in America.

First time I was in America, really glamorous, 14 in New York, at a like just a local diner.

Somebody said, Why don't you try the tuna melt?

Best thing I've ever eaten.

That was my like ultimate food moment, weeping.

Mum, is this real?

Yeah,

have I shared too much?

You know, it's mute or you're astonished.

sales I I absolutely loved it and I could have listened to it forever yeah I don't often think think about a tuna melt but god I love a tuna melt a tuna melt has all the wisdom and joy and gravitas of cheese on toast with an added extra which is the salt and and you have to have the tabasco there in the tuna And the cheese also, sorry to be specific, can't just be melted.

You don't want it burnt, but you do want it bubbling.

So, you're going to need a grill, you need to watch it.

And then, when it starts, little bubbles, like geezers of cheese, start bubbling up out.

Then, you don't wait.

It's not like, guys, supper's ready, none of that.

Eat it.

If you're not here with your mouth open, going, thank you, mummy, it's gone.

I've inhaled it, I've put it in my bra.

Um, so to speak, I don't know,

it's the old phrase, it's the old phrase, I've put it in my bra.

I've put it in my bra.

A moment on the lips, a lifetime in the bra.

have you ever burnt the roof of your mouth with this technique?

Yes, many times.

And unfortunately, you've got no way of cooling it down when that happens.

No, not me.

Sort of manic blowing

before, but you don't want it to cool down, you don't want the cheese to solidify, you don't want any of that.

It's an immediate dish.

It's right now.

And I've once had it with chips, which I highly recommend.

With a big fat chip with a mayo dip, tune them out.

I mean, that's better than anything.

Can Can I ask?

I might be being stupid here, but when you say it's you put it under the grill and then pull it out, are you then putting another slice of toast on top, or are you just having it like an open sandwich?

It's an open sandwich.

It's an open sandwich, okay?

Because then the ratio is wrong.

You can't have another slice of toast on there.

But I mean, then you're making a cheese and tuna sandwich, which doesn't feel right.

What you need is you need to hold it like this, like you're holding a newborn.

Oh, eating a kid again?

No, but with the same.

So So, you're holding it, fingers outstretched, holding there.

The magic is about to happen.

Imagine George Clooney turns around and goes, I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to kiss you.

It's better than that.

And then you're holding it, and your mouth goes in, and it leaves teeth indentation marks in that.

You're not slicing it, you're not suddenly putting it into quarters because then the china will get messy.

You're holding it as one large slab of heaven.

Your taste in men changed dramatically then?

Yeah, from Mr.

Burns to George Clooney.

I don't, yeah, no, I'm much more of a Burns person than a Clooney person.

But George Clooney's just eating, George Clooney's just eating a bag of flour, though, right?

Yeah,

that's heaven.

Heaven.

George Clooney won't.

Oh, God, I bet he drinks water all the time.

Yeah, he's just, can you pass me a glass of water?

Good impression of Clooney.

That's exactly what he is.

He's here.

So, so far, as we cap, you've had a Marmite sandwich and a tuna milk.

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So, what sandwich would you like for your main course?

Okay, my main course, I had to choose this.

My favourite thing, my last ever meal, it has to be roast chicken.

My mum used to roast a chicken.

She would make quite a small chicken.

It was me, my brother, and I've got three, I've got two stepbrothers and a stepsister.

Small chicken would last till Thursday.

I don't know what she did with it, but it was majestic.

And there was so much lemon and herbs and butter.

And so a roast chicken to me is the best thing you can eat.

You can dilly-dally beef.

Oh, I've got crackling over here.

Oh, it's a slow-cooked lamb.

I mean, hideous.

You want a roast chicken.

You want people to come around.

We're getting out of the oven.

Oh, I'm just getting the roast chicken.

Skin, skin.

And I don't mind which bits I like.

I know the the fancy people say there was like brown meat.

I'll have a bit of breast.

I'll gnaw on a wing.

Roast chicken says to me, celebration, more than a birthday cake.

If I've made you a roast chicken, it means I will take a bullet for you.

That's not strictly true.

I'll make a roast chicken every Sunday.

But the point is, roast chicken is event eating for me, James.

More than a birthday cake.

I love it.

And now I'm obviously imagining a roast chicken with loads of candles in the top.

Yeah, that's not a bad idea.

That's what I'd have.

Maybe I'll have that for my 50th.

What do you go for when when you've done a roast chicken?

What part do you zero in on as yours?

I really like a wing because the way I cook roast chicken, should we be boring again?

It's not boring.

People love people love this content.

Night, night, boys.

So, garlic and lemon inside, and sometimes, if I've got it, a rasher of bacon, streaky bacon.

Then olive oil or a bit of melted butter on the outside, but not a bit actually, a lot.

Let's not dilly-dally.

I'm not being parsimonious.

Then, so much rock salt, moulden, a bite,

crispy.

At the base of the chicken, I'm going to put in

some vegetables, whatever I've got, carrots, parsnips, which just all adds to the joy, and maybe some whole garlic bulbs that are going to fall apart.

I put it in a very hot oven, like alarmingly hot.

So the chicken becomes like an angry cat.

And then you turn it down.

So when it comes out, the outskirts are so crispy, you might burst into tears.

So I'll have a wing.

And my eldest son would like a wing.

And my daughter wants breasts.

My husband's easy.

So like everybody has a situation.

And then you get the mulchy vegetables and you put that on top.

I'm actually roasting the chicken later today.

Are you, James?

So I'm taking it.

Talk me through your roast chicken.

Yeah, what are you doing, mate?

James has only just learned how to cook and a lot of his recipes involve smashing things until they're flat.

So let's see if that's going to happen with the chicken.

Like I said, well, I will be doing those later on.

I will be doing my famous smashed potatoes later on, actually, ed as well so um i'm gonna be putting lemon garlic and thyme in its ass

and then covering it in uh olive oil and butter and salt and pepper and oh it's annoying actually because like

as i said i'm house sitting at my mum and dad's at the minute so i forgot that they don't have uh nando's periperi rub in their cupboard which i've been using at home uh on the roast chicken so now i'm gonna have to maybe improvise with some other things that are similar but roast chicken you know what i mean I bet you're doing something special, James.

That's why you're having it.

You're not just gonna go, yes, you know what?

It's my nephew's birthday.

Oh, ho, ho, how old is he?

He is, I really want to get this right, six.

Adorable.

Are you gonna put a candle in the chicken?

Because he might be disappointed if he's six.

Oh, yeah, maybe I should have candles in the chicken, just like we said.

And I should say to him, as I'm giving it to him, better than a birthday cake.

No, he'll want one.

Although, I should point out he is a vegetarian.

So, so who's the chicken for buddy well i guess it's for his family and he can have all the uh the other stuff all the i've made loads of veg one lovely tea i've also he likes pasta and i'm giving him the option of a vegetarian pasta that i've learned to make however he hates courgettes and it's a courgette sauce but his mum says as long as i disguise the sauce he can't see courgettes in it he will eat it and not know the difference happy birthday so cute he's vegetarian but the rest of the family aren't yes he's decided recently that he doesn't want to eat animals.

That's a very headstrong six-year-old.

A lot of respect for that.

Yeah.

Oh, he absolutely is.

I also,

I tell you what, it's much harder to argue it.

I mean, not that I go around arguing with vegetarians anyway, but when you see people having arguments with like adult vegans and adult vegetarians, it can go on for ages.

With a little kid, they just go, but it just seems horrible killing the animals.

And you go, yeah, can't argue that.

100%.

Makes sense.

I want to know what your emission is from your main that was so difficult that caused you a lot of heartache.

Here we go.

I think we're all agreed that pasta is the king of foods, right?

Your nephew, who you're going to see later, would agree.

And my favourite pasta is mac and cheese.

Macaroni cheese is if you're hungover or if you feel a bit wobbly, if the girls are coming around, if you're having a date, you want a pot of bubbling mac and cheese.

And there's an Instagram account called Mob Kitchen.

They make a mac and cheese where you'll literally shout what the fuck?

It looks like the best mac and cheese.

They put like then they put breadcrumbs on it's going under the grill.

There are seven tons of cheese in there.

So the idea that I have given my absolutely favorite meal and there isn't a pasta, which I could have had mac and cheese as a starter or I'd have had mac and cheese on the side or I'd have it as my main is slightly heartbreaking.

So I'm just saying saying out loud, I'd like to apologise to all the macaroni and all the cheese.

I thought I covered cheese with the tuna milk, yeah.

But the bottom line is, if you get a fork and you pierce,

makes that noise, the crust of the mac and cheese, and you go in and it's creamy, the cheese is stringy, it's piping hot.

Not too hot that you would need a glass of water, we're not mad, and that's heaven, a bucket of it.

Here's what I'm going to offer you: go on.

I don't know if you ever had it before, but I think you would like it

we go back to that tuna melt we take off the cheese and we replace the cheese with mac and cheese no you wouldn't eat that no that's not fine that's the world that's bread with pasta and cheese and tuna i'm not saying that i am a clean foodie but even that no because mac and cheese by the way let me just say this this is my last comment i know i'm annoying if other people put other stuff in the mac and cheese like yeah i just thought i'd uh shave a bit of you know broccoli in there or i just got some yeah I had some chorizo left over and I just chuck no I'm a purist mac and cheese is macaroni and cheese finish okay here's another another option for you Claudia we go back to the roast chicken we take out the onion and the lemon and the bacon and we pour mac and cheese up the chicken's ass ded you and I were getting on very well

it was all

I found it joyful fine chatting to these boys they're like twins they say the same thing this is fantastic although they're both totally individual no we can't other than having it for a pudding but I love my pudding I couldn't I couldn't give up the roast chicken my side dish is possibly the best thing you've ever eaten in your life I can't give up the tuna melt because you know when people say do you remember where you were when or do you remember I remember more than anything where I was where I had that tuna melt where just everything collided the world exploded blood came out of my nose it was a new beginning

And I can't have it instead of toast and Marmite.

That would have been strange.

That wasn't an option.

I reckon, because you're very persuasive, I reckon you could have persuaded us to have a tuna melt instead of toast instead of as your bread course.

Yeah.

And then put the mac and cheese as a starter.

I think

you've done that.

I'm embarrassed.

We're not.

What is the point?

I haven't gone to the kitchen yet.

I'm just writing down your order.

But that means I forego Marmite.

Unless you want to put the Marmite on your mac and cheese.

Ed?

Well, Ed, you know.

No more words for me.

Okay, okay.

Maybe you'd let me have two sides because I'm so friendly and because I haven't had any water.

Maybe instead of water, honestly, what I'll have is I'll have a mug full of mac and cheese.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

Boom.

Yeah, that's what you have.

I'm so happy.

I'm so happy.

Do you want that still all sparkling?

Yeah.

This is it, comes, please.

Extra cheesy.

Super hot.

Tap.

Imagine if you had a tap in your house.

Just imagine that.

Where you turned it on and mac and cheese came out.

We're missing a trick.

What are we, everyone?

Down tools.

We're starting a new business.

Well, I'd be dead within the week.

Yeah.

Because that's all you'd eat.

Yeah, of course.

I'd stick my head under the bottom.

I'd have burns all over my face from where I put my head under the tap because I'd reroute it to my shower and I'd hop in the shower.

Yeah.

Babe, I'll be done in a minute.

Well, he's there.

Imagine just food taps.

You know what I mean?

Tomato soup.

Heights, obviously.

There is no other.

Kids, have you done your homework?

What?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Okay.

I was going to ask you something else, but first of all, why, when you're at the tap that only dispenses Heinz tomato soup,

when you're doing that act out, are you asking the kids if they've done their homework?

Because that's the way the world works, right?

How was your day?

How was your day?

How is it fine?

You know, depending on their age, they're either incredibly irritated by me.

Or the little one, mummy, it was absolutely fine.

And geography is so interesting.

And then the 14-year-old is like, oh, why do you ask me that every day?

What are you talking about?

Anyway, so, but they're adorable and I try and lick them and I'm following them around.

And they're like, oh, get off, mum.

I'm doing a tick-tock.

Anyway, and then they go off and I'm like, do your homework.

Do you need any snacks?

Do you want me to come with you?

Oh, I love Billy eyelash.

It's not eyelash, mum.

Okay, never mind.

And then,

and then the only way I can bring them back to me because I'm clingy and is I can get them back to me with food.

You're doing your homework, supper's on the table.

Oh, I get to stroke your hair again.

But do you think you could get them back to you if the food was always a Heinz tomato soup out of a tap?

Yeah, oh, mac and cheese.

Or mac and cheese.

Yeah.

I wouldn't mix them.

But yeah, those mac and cheese.

Guys, mac and cheese.

Hey, mum, how was your day?

Oh, you haven't asked me for 10 years.

I think I would mix them on day one.

Yeah.

If I had both those taps, I would be too curious and I would want to.

No, I wouldn't.

I won't have it.

Would they come out piping hot?

That's vital.

I think so.

Like a toaster.

There'll be a little thing on the side

that you decide how hot you want it.

I'd also have a hot chocolate tap if we're here.

Yes, absolutely.

Okay.

What other, what other, and you know what else I'd have?

Gravy.

Gravy.

I'm not very good at making gravy and I like gravy.

I would have milkshake tap, ice cream tap.

What flavour milkshake?

Not banana.

I'm gonna have to hang up.

Okay.

Was it gonna be banana?

Well, the thing is, if I go to McDonald's, which I rarely do, that's the milkshake I would choose every time.

I'm sort of speechless.

Got smacked.

I'd only have a chocolate milkshake or a coffee milkshake.

Well, if you're having coffee milkshake, you can't really have a go at anyone.

Fine.

I understand.

My position is weakened.

Yeah.

Yeah, I would choose.

Even I don't like banana milkshake, but I probably...

Would I choose banana over coffee?

No, you wouldn't choose banana.

Have you ever been to an establishment called Five Guys?

Yes.

Yes.

I find it delicious.

Delicious.

Double fried onions.

Thanks very much.

Not the spicy chips.

Because that would mean I might need a glass of water.

Water.

But they have a coffee milkshake, which is delicious.

Okay.

That does sound good.

I would try that.

If you're asking, I'd just have one tap sausage meat.

No, you would.

He would.

He would have that.

I would.

I'd heat a pan up.

I'd put it below the tap and then run in a big sort of like Cumberland squirrel.

A Cumberland coil every morning.

Your side dish, Claudia.

I'm going to say what it is and you're going to go, no biggie.

Then I'm going to explain to you how my mother-in-law makes it and you're all going to go right down tools you're going to say to your lovely producer i think we've done enough now because this has been beaten this has been won and because tomorrow you'll talk to somebody who will go oh broccoli spears with almonds and everyone will feel a bit sad inside so my mother-in-law i've known forever 22 years she makes potato dauphin well right no biggie right baked potatoes with a bit of cream this is how she does it and the first time i had it i did a roly poly i mean i didn't do a roly

but I would have done inside, I was doing a roly-poly.

So she was.

I mean, I absolutely believed you did a roly-poly in real life.

And in my head, it was the first time that you'd met your mother-in-law.

And she was

excited to meet you.

You know, the person who her son has decided to dedicate his life to.

And she served potato dauphinois, you got up off the table and did a roly-poly, and she thought, oh, no.

And she said, Are we sure?

You seem to have met other people.

And who's this orange woman who's never had potatoes like it?

Who is this woman you have brought into my house?

She won't let us have water on the table.

Yeah, it was weird.

So, into the dish, you know, first of all, buttered potato, a layer.

On every layer of potato, there goes in at least six cloves of garlic and rock salt.

And there's about four or five, maybe six layers.

Double cream.

It is so garlicky, you are basically eating oven-roasted garlic cream with layers of beautiful potatoes.

And with roast chicken and a bit of mustard or horseradish, if it's Christmas and you're feeling a bit jaunty, there is no better meal.

Full stop, end of, close, finish, night, night, go home.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Acast.

Thank you, Apple.

We are complete.

That is the side dish of all side dishes.

Because you said night night, now I'm imagining when your mother-in-law served you that, you did a roly-poly and then immediately went to bed.

By the way,

it tastes so good it's not like normal potatoes potatoes are the i mean i would they're the love of my life right i mean i love mac and cheese but potatoes i'd marry a potato i mean i feel passionate i like new potatoes i like everything i don't really like mash because i

offensive i kind of agree with you the the for me the doph the dauphinoise is the king the dauphinoise is the king of potatoes for me uh what if we talk about potato and kings

right i cannot believe this

james has just stood up everyone yeah ed knows that i'm the mash king and he's talking about dauphinois being the king and throwing the word king around while while being very dismissive of mash and i make the best mash in well okay that i worked in at the time there's different kings but the the mash is like the british king right it's the it's the sort of horrible little king joke and a jester it's like i'm not even sure if it's in the court peasant king whereas dauphinois is like king louis xevinth or whatever

listen but above mash goes jacket goes baby new buttered baby new buttered above mash no yeah i'll tell you what else goes above it a fondant i've only had one once i'll tell you what else goes above mash

oh bashed up potatoes yeah with the with the fried onions

night night night night finished end of goodbye thank you very much for having us we won no this is it potatoes and this one very, very garlicky.

Is you've never had anything like it.

And even better, the day after.

And because they're Danish, they celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve.

Fine, kids were confused.

Where is Father Christmas?

Never mind.

Eat your turkey.

Christmas, they do it Christmas Eve.

Christmas Day, you wake up and there's still Dauphino in the fridge, which I've eaten before, not even using a utensil, barely using my hand, face in.

Deal with it.

Suck it up, everyone.

This is me.

She's still disappointed that he married me, if you're asking.

Are you going to put your face in all of the food?

Because you've already done it in the bread to test to see if it's softened.

Sorry.

No, I'm not.

I'm not, but I'm not mad for a utensil.

But these potatoes,

it's just that much garlic.

You just grate seven in like on every slice.

Boof, boof, boof, boof, boof.

In comes out.

What have she done?

Why does the house smell better than a warm than your toast cafe?

What is happening?

Everyone, welcome.

You put that on oven-proof, you know, like a wooden board.

Spoon.

Let's get jiggy.

Oh, you seem to be crying.

That's because you've tried my potatoes.

Lovely.

That's the biggest play anyone's ever made for a side dish before.

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It's a favorite drink now.

And

we know how you feel about water.

I'm really all liquid.

Am I...

What time of day is it?

And who am I with?

Anytime.

That's what you want.

All right.

Well, if I'm out with the girls, right?

My best friends in our world, then I'm going to have a margarita because it is the best drink.

But I can't really drink the whole thing because I'll fall over because I'm not really good with alcohol.

I had to have a nap at my own wedding, one sip of wine.

I was like, not being funny, this is going on a bit.

I'm going to just have to get my head down.

However, my favourite beverage, I'm even holding it.

Look, it's here.

Diet 7 up.

That

is

nectar.

That's the gods.

When was the last time you had a diet seven up?

Quite recently.

It is good.

It is nice, but it's so delicious.

Glides down like a beautiful

steam.

Like a beautiful water.

No, no.

Because water tastes like, that was a waste of time.

And I've got a massive tongue and my throat feels wet.

And my tummy is swilling around with liquid every time I have a mouth.

Just don't give it anything.

And it'd be a little dry empty shell full of toast.

You know, I'm I'm going out tonight with one of my best friends in the world.

I might have a margarita because I like the salt and I like the zing of tequila and it feels a bit wild.

Makes me want to mess up my hair, wear high heels, kiss the bloke who likes water.

It's all a bit ring-a-ding-ding, isn't it?

A margarita.

I can't abide wine.

I don't understand it.

It makes sense that your favourite drink would have salt on it.

There you go.

I like it on the rocks.

Just all fucked up in a glass.

Rock salt.

Ow.

White lipstick, black eyeliner out with the girls feeling our boobs what are we doing and then at about quarter to ten we go night night

look this is going to sound like a perverted question but it isn't i genuinely don't know what you meant feeling our boobs what's that no well girls no we're not feeling our boobs we're not feeling each other's boobs although we would we're just

seeing girls on a night out i know what i know but i know what you mean when you feel you feel so excited that you're out that you just need to grab something and uh

something your own your own bits are there james have you ever been been so excited you've got to grab your crotch?

You're the one sat like Michael Jackson.

He does it all the time.

A margarita has the promise of filth and a big night.

Whereas a vodka and tonic, also a good beverage.

But wine is like a sleepy, but if you have a margarita, you could go, do you know what?

It might end up in hull.

Let's just go for it.

Let's just see what's going to happen.

Anything could happen.

Nothing does happen because we have two sips and then go, oh, should we go to bed?

But failing that, this, I'm holding it up.

Yeah.

Do you hear that?

Oh, it's like a magic liquid.

I've got the can near the microphone.

Yeah.

You know what it says?

Diet seven up?

It says, refreshed, but not really.

And that's what I like.

You don't like to be fully refreshed.

I mean, again, not really.

Diet seven up is, I've just dried you out even more.

And I think that's why I like it.

Do you want to go with the Diet 7 Up then?

Because the margarita sounds fun.

It sounds like a laugh.

Why can't I have both?

Come on, we're so friendly now.

We've already made a big allowance on the water course.

I love Diet 7 Up.

I think

Diet 7 Up is, I wouldn't, I could live without margaritas.

I cannot live without Diet 7 Up.

That's the one.

We've decided.

I was going to offer you a margarita made with Diet 7 Up.

No.

Okay.

Because now we can't mess.

I don't want a hybrid.

Just to be clear, you can't live without diet seven up.

I can't, I can't survive.

You can't live without it.

I hear what you're saying, James.

I hear you.

Well, you know, I mean, you know where I'm going with it.

Yeah, I know where you're going.

And I, part of my brain knows that you're making sense, but I just can't get there.

I just don't like the taste of it.

You don't like the taste.

I don't like going to the gym.

There's all kinds of, I don't like roller coasters.

I don't like tarantulas.

Guess what?

I don't do that.

I don't have them.

I don't have spiders in my house.

I don't go to Alton Towers.

Do you like normal seven up no no that's a disappointment so you never drink it no but you drink diet seven up i like fake sugar sugar feels a bit too straightforward so you haven't had normal seven up in ages no does diet seven up just taste like normal seven up to you now yes but i don't think it does i mean i think if i taste test you know do you remember this pepsin coke you won't remember it was before you were born so but if you had a diet seven up and a seven up i'd be able to taste the difference but seven up would just be too sweet yeah i also have at least two naps a day i should have mentioned that perhaps so yeah because you're dehydrated you're basically in the desert at this point i'm always in the desert you're not wrong so i i novel you just have to lie down and have a nap but it's difficult to nap after i imagine a proper can of seven up because your little heart will you know your brain will be all bouncy it's like if i give the small ones haribo and then they're like bing and they i'm like why won't they go to sleep it's so weird uh it's just one packet of tanglastics.

But Diet Seven up's fine, it doesn't mess with anything.

Solid choice, I think.

I think it goes nicely with the meal as well.

It complements the mac and cheese, particularly.

There you go.

Now,

I'm a bit nervous going into this final course because you mentioned how much you love crackers earlier.

I'm really hoping they don't make an appearance in your dessert.

They sort of do.

So the best pudding, we all know this.

So we can dilly-dally, people can talk about fondants.

People can go, oh, have you ever had a profiterole?

And

noise.

This is the best pudding, but it has been ruined.

There are many different machinations which are all wrong.

So my favorite pudding is a cheesecake.

However, it has to be non-baked.

When you say cheese, I hear the

cheesecake, non-baked,

ratio

50-50 to a buttery, biscuity base

and a cream cheese topping.

And they do this in some New York diners.

Like it's just base

and it's it tastes of heaven.

If you want a bit of lemon zest in there, I mean, I'm not going to argue about it, but I don't want a coolie ever.

I don't want a jam topping.

I don't want fresh fruit on a pudding ever.

Like, oh, I just found a kumquat.

Get out of here.

I'd like a pan, like from the cheesecake factory, a pan, like you would get for pizza, like a huge big circle, and then a slicer and two teaspoons.

Done.

Cheerio!

Thanks for coming.

I'm in night, night.

I'm intrigued by this 50-50 biscuit base.

I don't think I've ever seen that before.

The reason that cheesecake is embarrassing itself, because I don't know whether people are going healthy or I don't know, but I never want a cheesecake with a thin biscuit or worse, sort of like half biscuit base, then a big hunk of that sort of wobbly, gelatinous disgustingness that's been put in the oven, and then a big layer of jam on the top.

That's not cheesecake.

What I'm talking about is old school East Coast America pizza pie cheesecake.

Like that's how they do it, where it's just on the outskirts.

You know, if you're looking from the outskirts, the base would come up to at least half.

And then you've got the cream cheese and cream topping.

Finished, kaput.

Pass me a fork.

I tell you that one thing that annoys me about biscuit bases on cheesecake is quite often they've just come out the fridge and trying to get a bit of it off with a fork, quite often it can just ping across the room.

Correct.

Are you all right with that?

I'm all right with everything as long as the ratio is correct, as long as it's chilled, as long as it hasn't been baked, as long as it's plentiful, there's enough for everyone, then we all know it's the best pudding.

Full stop.

But I agree, if I just said casually, cheesecake, everyone would go, she's fallen at the final hurt, like we were with her garlicky potatoes crispy skin tuna mouth a mug of mac and cheese oh we were with you from that point yeah definitely go sure I don't think I've got a vegetable in here I'm embarrassed I mean a leafy one uh but yeah cheesecake I am also a massive fan and this is what my eldest said to me today he went oh you've missed a trick I also love a chocolate mousse but not a fancy chocolate mousse not a dark chocolate mousse I like a chocolate mousse that you get from the packet I like an aero chocolate mousse pack of four, teaspoon, telly on, chow.

When it comes to cheesecake, would you say that you're all about that base?

Very good.

Would you protest if we got one of our listeners to maybe make a meme of you?

I would like to.

I'd be overjoyed.

That would be my screensaver.

I'd retweet it every day until I'm 90.

I mean, I could also, by the way, go for a Kit Kat.

Classic four stick wrapped in foil.

I don't want the swoosh of anything.

I don't want it to be dusted with anything.

I just want a big slab of cheesecake.

I'm going to read your menu back to you now.

See how you feel about it.

Water.

A mug of mac and cheese.

Problems of bread.

You want white bloomer toasted at three, immediately buttered, a little bit of marmite.

Starter.

Tuna melt, white luma toasted at two, mayonnaise, lots of lemon juice, Tabasco,

and a light medium cheddar.

Thank you.

Main, roast chicken with lemon, garlic, bacon, and olive oil.

There we go.

Side, mother-in-law's potato dauphinois.

Drink, diet seven up.

And dessert, non-baked cheesecake, 50-50 base-to-cake ratio.

Are you happy with that?

Very.

I am actually quite happy with that.

It's a bit gritty.

You know what?

That is all very good, high-quality, comfort food.

Yeah.

I'd say.

That's my favourite food.

I'd describe your menu as bready cheddar and ready for bedding.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you so much, Claudia.

Thanks, Very good.

I will.

I'm just going to lick him.

Taste him water.

Well, there we have it.

What a menu, James.

Oh, and may I say, Bready, Cheddy and Ready for Betty is your Sistine Chapel egg.

I was very happy with that, but mainly as I said it, I was just thinking about how much you were going to enjoy it.

I absolutely loved it.

Sistine Chappell and the Mona Lisa all rolled into one.

That was a great episode.

I very much enjoyed that and even more enjoyable because she did not mention guava once.

Thank you so much.

Not even a guava lamp.

No guava lamps in sight.

I mean her constant campaign against water has thrown me slightly.

Amazing.

Incredible campaign against water.

But her passion about her actual food choices, you can't argue any of them.

Yep, you can't.

It's brilliant.

So I think she has earned another plug plug for her book, despite the fact she absolutely did not want to plug it.

We're going to plug it for her.

Her book is called Quite.

It comes out tomorrow, if you're listening to this on the day it comes out.

That's October the 1st.

So go and buy Claudia Winkleman's book, Quite.

She promises that she's got quite a lot of melted cheese stuff in there as well.

And as you heard in the episode, she loved that melted cheddar.

She knows how to melt that cheddar.

And, oh, I can't do it.

Ed, that's so impressive when you said that earlier.

The bred and cheddar ready for Betty.

I tried to think of one on the spot just then and it was so different.

It was hard.

Yeah, I had like an hour of the episode just thinking about that.

Sistine Chappell, you came up with that joke hanging from the ceiling with your back facing the floor.

But can I keep up that run of form on a live episode, James?

Because we are doing another live-streamed episode of Off Menu on the 24th of October.

That is part of the Unmute.

Podcast festival.

There's lots of other brilliant podcasts taking part.

The Blind Boy podcast, the Adam Buxton podcast, Cuddle Club's doing it with Lou Sanders.

Check that one out as well.

Oh boy, so many great podcasts.

For more details, you can go to unmutepodcastfestival.com and you can look at all the brilliant podcasts that are taking part and you can buy tickets for the individual live stream events.

Organized by the great Benito himself.

If you want to support the Great Bonito, then go to the Unmute Podcast Festival.

So thank you very much for listening to the Off Menu Podcast.

We will see you again next week.

But for now, goodbye.

Ready, cheddar, and ready for bedding.

Hello, my name's Rob Orton, and I do the Rob Orton Daily Podcast.

The Rob Orton Daily Podcast is a daily podcast that is quite short, some are two minutes long, some are ten minutes long, and they are stories and poems and basically all the thoughts I've ever had that I like enough to want to share with people.

And the Roborton podcast is available on Apple, ACAST, Spotify, all the other places where you normally get your podcasts and on social media, it is at Roborton Podcast.

Thank you.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah.

And we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7 pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.