Ep 74: Anthony Jeselnik

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James Acaster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised goes to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

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Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

Thank you very much, Ed Gamble.

James Acaster here.

How are you?

Very well, thank you.

You sound like a sort of a 1940s man today.

Yeah, well,

every day, really.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's what I'm going for.

No one else notices.

Yeah, you've really missed.

Nah, fair enough.

Maybe I just sound like a man in his 40s.

Yes, that's possibly it.

Nice gentleman.

This is the Off Menu Podcast.

It's a food podcast where we chat to a special guest about a certain thing.

James, what is that certain thing?

Oh, we're going to ask them their favourite ever starter main course dessert side dish and drink.

Yes, we are.

And our special guest this week from LA Los Angeles, where we are right now, is the comedian Anthony Jeselnik.

He is a very, very good comedian.

You may have seen his work.

He's got specials out there.

He's pretty excellent, to be honest, all round.

What a guy.

So we are going to be welcoming him into the off-menu restaurant to have a chat to him about his dream meal.

But, James, if he says a secret ingredient, we will be kicking him out of the restaurant.

Bye-bye, Anthony.

Absolutely.

And this week, the secret ingredient is iced gems.

Iced gems.

I've always hated them, never liked them.

Where do you stand on iced gems, James?

I don't get them.

I don't really get it.

I don't think the biscuit or the icing bit are good separately, let alone together.

I don't think the textures go very well together.

Correct.

I don't really see the point.

There's no variance in texture.

They're a crumbly biscuit, too dry, and a sharp gem.

Yeah.

Dangerous for the mouth.

So, if Anthony Jeselnik says ice gems, we will remove him from the restaurant.

Yeah.

So, without further ado, this is the off-bed UDU of Anthony Jeselnik.

Welcome, Anthony Jeselnik, to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you, it's a pleasure to be here.

Welcome, Anthony Jeselnik to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

That was a very quick way of talking there.

I thought I'd speak talk.

Speak talk.

I thought I'd speak talk quick, you.

Yeah.

And, you know, you said you've been waiting, but I think I'm a little bit early.

Yeah, yeah, you are early, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Which is very good.

Do you like to be early for things or are you?

Yes.

I think being a comedian, you're either early or you're always really, really late that I decided I'm going to be on the early side.

You've always been getting there.

I'm like that.

I get there early a lot.

And then I always think when I'm waiting for other people, I think, why have I done this to myself again?

I get really annoyed that, like, I'm the guy waiting around.

Yeah, I'm being taken advantage of, but the stress I have being late is worse than being annoyed at someone for being late.

And then you have moral superiority.

Sure.

You get to do that.

I imagine when I'm late, I start to imagine what they're going to say to me for being late.

Even though normally, if you're late, they just go, oh, hi.

And that's it.

But in my head, they're going to be like, oh, yeah, nice of you to join us, mate.

We've always had to wait around for you.

And then I've got to think of an excuse and something that, and they never ask for that.

It's always a lie.

Whenever someone's like, I'm late because you're like, you don't have to lie to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're just late.

Yeah, you just didn't leave on time.

You didn't care enough about me.

Yeah.

That's what happened.

I'm always early for stuff.

I like being organised.

I like being early.

I've tried being the late guy.

I've literally gone, I'm going to try and be late and see how it feels.

It feels fucking awful.

It's terrible.

I've tried being the late guy with a coffee as well.

Late with a coffee is, I think, the worst sort of human being you can be.

Yeah.

It's like, well, you were late and you still wouldn't have got a coffee.

Yeah, late with a coffee really stings.

When they turn up and they're holding the coffee and oh, sorry, I was no, not sorry.

Oh, you better have two coffees.

Yeah,

otherwise I'm upset.

Yeah.

Oh, that stuff is, yeah.

I don't, sometimes I'm with a person who is always late and we're leaving together and watching what makes them late is infuriating.

Yeah.

Especially if they have nothing to do.

You just started getting ready late.

Yeah.

I just came from work and I'm here to pick you up and you're not ready, unacceptable.

This is

so frustrating.

And the amount of time when you get insight into how their mind works as well.

It's like, well, it just takes us 25 minutes to get there.

And you know it's an hour away.

And you're like, how have you arrived at 25?

Yeah.

How has that come into your head?

But you're here early for the restaurant reservation.

Is that something that you'll do?

Get somewhere early for a restaurant reservation and then have a drink in the bar or something?

Yeah, if I'm meeting someone there, if it's just me with

my date or with my friends, then I can show, I don't mind being five minutes late.

Yeah.

You know, if I'm if I'm getting to a table, I tip well,

which is an American thing.

I don't know if you guys even do that.

We don't do it.

Yeah.

If anything, we'll steal money out of the waitress's pocket on the way out.

Smart.

Yeah, smart.

I've been in Europe and I'll tip and they're like, oh, we don't do that here.

And I just say, I'm American

and leave it anyway.

I'm like, they must be grateful in some way, but I think they just think you're a jerk.

No, no, no.

I think it's quite nice.

In the UK, if you tip since you're...

Yeah, no, you do.

But I like the tipping culture here.

I enjoy it.

It makes me feel like I'm actually contributing towards something.

I just want people to like me.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the only way I can do that.

Just do that for everyone.

Just leave some money.

When you leave tonight, are we going to see a little coin on the table?

Check under your pillow.

In the morning, and there'll be a little something.

We always start with still a sparkling water on the podcast, the choice of.

I'm going to go sparkling.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

I'm not always sparkling, but I enjoy, like, if I'm on an empty stomach, I like to open it up a little bit with some sparkling water.

Or do you feel like the sparkling is opening up the stomach?

I do.

I'll drink a bottle of it in the morning, and I feel like it opens it up a little bit.

I'm not a hungry person in the morning.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

So, empty stomach, sparkling water.

And the bubbles kind of like push it out

and you get a big bubbly stomach.

You sound like you're making fun of me right now, but yes.

That's absolutely true.

That's how James sounds.

I think that

sparkling water cleans your teeth.

That's mad.

That's what I've said on the podcast before.

So someone thinking it expands their stomach isn't going to sound worse than me.

I have heard that scientifically the fastest way to hydrate, if you're dehydrated, is cold sparkling water.

Right.

Yeah.

So, if I'm hungover or I come home late and I've had too much to drink, I order a bunch of cold sparkling water and drink as much as I can.

I don't know if it's true, but I've heard that.

Have you found it helps?

I have no idea.

No, no idea.

It just feels awful.

You pass out five seconds later.

I'm old enough now that

hangover cures can only do so much.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, because they're lasting longer although they're hitting you harder.

Both.

Both.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Me and Ed went out recently together, and Ed had a hangover, and I didn't.

And we drank pretty much the same amount, and it made me feel

not having a hangover feels even better when you know that someone else who you absolutely

feel.

Did you guys drink the same liquor or the same beer?

Roughly, not exactly the same, to be fair.

We're having the wines and the taster menu.

Oh, yeah, so we had the same wines, and then we went out afterwards, And then I that's when I make the mistakes because then I'm switching to I think I had a beer and then I had a gin and tonic.

Yeah.

And then I might have had another wine and then it's just the game over.

Yeah, the gin and tonic, I think, is the deal brick.

I used to think that that was like a healthy drink.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's not.

It's not at all.

And it's, but it's sort of sparkling.

I thought, I'll open my stomach up.

I'll get the hangover cure in now.

But it didn't work like that.

It was awful.

I found death.

That is where you went.

I remember I just had beers after the wine, but I remember seeing you get that gin and tonic and I thought uh oh but I was thinking beer then wine feeling fine and you went wine then beer oh dear

yeah and I went wine then beer then gin and tonic and tonic hangover's gonna be chronic yeah oh I didn't know the rhyme wow you know that rhyme mate I mean I've never agreed with any of those rhymes no like they say beer before liquor never sicker but it's just because you drink beer faster yeah so when you switch to liquor you drink it as fast as you would drink a beer it's not there's not really a chemistry to it yeah it's more just like how quickly you drink.

Oh, so it's just about speed?

Yes.

Volume.

In America, you have like speed eating contests.

We don't have that back home.

No?

No, no.

We just like, you know, I mean, drink-wise, we just drink

too much.

But this here, you have hot dog eating contests, stuff like that.

Yeah, they're huge.

People love it.

How many have you done today?

I mean,

I've walked by a few, but I'm waiting until later on tonight to compete myself.

Yeah.

It's an amateur one.

Well, you're on your way here and you didn't want to be late.

And the worst thing you can be is late with a hot dog.

Especially if you've been in a contest.

Yeah.

You've got mustard on your face, it's embarrassing.

Yeah.

Well, here's the thing.

Usually, at this point in the podcast, after he's talked about the water, I'd shout pop a dumbs or bread at you really loud.

Ed,

I'll say this to you because I find Anthony is like,

I'm more afraid of him than any other guest we've ever had.

He does seem like a guy who wouldn't take any shit.

This is true.

And so far, I feel like if I don't expect any shout at you, I'm going to be in trouble.

Yeah, I would definitely control the sound of your voice.

Yeah.

The level of it.

I didn't feel like it would go well if I yelled at you suddenly out of nowhere.

I mean, I did it to

so many people.

Yeah.

Yelled at Terry Hatcher.

I didn't give it a second thought.

Yeah.

But.

You have a natural authority as well.

And I also don't think

if he shouted at you, I don't think it would affect you at all.

No, I wouldn't be thrown by it.

Yeah.

But whatever you're going to see next, I would write it down.

to him pass me the piece of paper just to be safe.

Yeah.

You built it up too much.

Would you prefer that he did everything through me at this point?

Yes.

Yeah, okay, cool.

Yeah, that'll be great.

Can you ask Anthony?

Poppadom's or bread.

Would you like pop a doms or bread, Anthony?

What is a pop-adom?

He says, what is a pop-adom?

A pop-adom is like a big,

you get it before your starters at an Indian restaurant traditionally.

I know what it is.

It's a very large, it's like a big crisp.

Yeah.

Gotcha.

like potato chip gotcha i'll take i'll take bread thank you absolutely what sort of bread would you like i'll take a uh you know i'm gonna take a pretzel roll

oh yeah yeah no we do you do pretzel rolls much here

sorry back home we're in la.

now we're in lay now we don't do pretzel rolls oh god i just looked at him and he looked right at me

i thought this was magic restaurant time and i could have whatever i wanted oh absolutely is and you definitely can have it it's just that your eyes then pierced my soul and you know they did.

You've done that look to people before.

I don't know that people have told me my eye contact is

pretty severe.

It's intense.

Yeah, yes.

But like, I like, don't be wrong, I like it.

Yeah.

But it also terrifies me because I'm easily scared.

You don't seem like somebody who is easily scared.

I've been scared my whole life of everything.

No.

But you seem like if I was like in a, in like a film where I get like wishes and I'm not the genie for once.

And I get to just wish and stuff.

I'd be like, I wish I was...

I'll probably wish to be like you.

You're not the genie for once?

Like, how often are you the genie?

I'm the genie in the restaurant.

I get to get you any food you want from any time in your life.

That's quite a nice feeling for me.

So I'm a genie in this circumstances.

But that would suggest you're a genie a lot of other circumstances as well.

Yeah, like you have been a genie at some point.

Yeah.

And someone wished that you would have your freedom.

Yeah.

Now you have a podcast.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what most genies would do with their freedom.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

They immediately have a podcast.

Yeah.

Well, James found a genie and he had three wishes, wishes, and he only used the first two, which was to be a genie and have his own podcast.

Yes.

Yeah.

Bam, bam.

Smart.

Third one.

You keep saying I'm not afraid.

What about you do you think is threatening in any way?

Yeah.

Well,

you're absolutely right.

I don't mean you'd be afraid of me.

I just mean like I can just see, I can just see it in your eyes that you've never been afraid of anything your whole life.

That's not true.

I think as a child, I was afraid, and then I realized that

fear is ridiculous.

You don't really have to be afraid.

It's irrational.

Yeah.

Now all fear.

And people are afraid of me.

I have what they call in America, I don't know if you have it over there, a resting bitch face.

Right.

It's just like, even if I'm just like having a great time, people look at me and they're like, he's about to snap.

Yeah.

That's how I feel.

Yeah.

I feel like you're going to snap, you're going to rip Bonito's head off.

Yeah.

The great Bonito?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, in this case, you are correct.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does that help in like a restaurant scenario where do you think people are sort of tiptoeing around you a bit more or maybe working a bit harder on the dishes?

Because they're like, that guy looks hungry.

We've got to keep that guy happy.

A little bit.

I once did snap at a waiter.

I was on a date and I told my dad, we were in a nice steak restaurant, and we're starving.

And I said, I'm going to order for you.

I'll order for the lady.

And the waiter comes over and I say, we'll have.

And he goes, excuse me, sir.

The lady orders first.

And I almost flipped the table, Frank Sinatra style.

And I was like, get away from me and send over anyone else.

whoever you want to get tipped the most because I am about to lose it and if I hadn't been so hungry I would have left on the spot but otherwise I get along pretty well now the hunger hunger anger hanger yes I think I have that once a day yes and it's for the whole day yeah yeah it's for the whole day these guys have had to deal with me in restaurant scenarios and during the trip away I don't deal well with it at all having to wait in line for food having having to try and get a waiter's attention.

I'm terrible at it.

Are you aware of the hanger when it's happening?

Like

if I'm hangry, I don't know it until I eat and I'm like, oh, that's why I was so mad.

Oh, yeah.

I thought that I was just in a bad, where like something's happening to me.

I realize I was just hungry.

No, I realize while it's happening, and I feel like a bad person, and then I eat, and and then I feel bad about having eaten so much.

So it's just a constant cycle.

Yeah, I really try and control it when I feel, I realize at the time I'm only angry because I'm hungry, and then I start to really try and control it, but then that becomes stressful.

And then really, I should just, I should just have a pocket full of buns all the time.

And I can just eat a bun whenever I feel angry.

So the message of this podcast is you have to eat every day multiple times.

Yes.

Yeah, I think broadly that's the message.

So it's educational.

Gotcha.

It's good to finally dig down and get the message of this podcast out there.

It's been obscured for so long.

I think so.

So a pretzel roll.

Lovely.

I'm not sure I've had a pretzel roll before.

No, no, if I've had.

If it's there on the tray, if they got like multiple pieces of bread, I'll take that.

But otherwise, French bread is great.

White bread, wheat, I'll eat it all.

There's no bread, I'm like, no, I don't eat that.

Sure.

But this pretzel roll, would it warm?

Yes, please.

Absolutely.

And it's got like salt on it and stuff.

Isn't it like brown ones with salt on top?

Delicious.

Any butter with that?

Please.

A little butter with a little bit of salt on it?

Yeah.

Would be delicious.

Yeah.

Salt in the butter, salt in the roll.

Do you want the salt to like

be the same salt?

Or do you want bigger salt on your pretzel roll in the butter?

I think there's pretzel salt and then there's like table salt.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're different kinds of salt.

Yeah.

I don't want to see sea salt on the table.

Yeah, anywhere.

You don't want to see it.

Not with the bread.

I like sea salt.

I'm not a maniac.

Yeah, but you would like it

from a salt mine.

I think all salt is from a salt mine.

I don't want it created in the lab.

No, lab salt.

Put that down, please.

I'm going to move my iPad because it's going to be digging.

Now,

when Ed's iPad was dinging there,

how did you feel about it?

Because I thought that was yours.

And so I was like, well, fair enough, it's the guest's appliance.

No.

But you obviously knew that it wasn't yours.

My phone is on airplane mode, like a gentleman.

Well, so is mine, but

I'm new to the iPad game, so I forgot I had it.

Yeah, I mean, there's no way you could have known how iPads work.

As a comedian, I'm used to phones going off, little distractions.

Yeah, yeah.

And I'm a pro.

I can just power through it.

I don't have to jump up and run around and then talk about it for a few minutes.

Yeah, yeah.

That was pretty bad.

Here's how I feel.

If you'd been saying that to James, he would have shit himself during that conversation.

I did anyway.

I was loving it.

Yeah.

You liked it?

Yeah, yeah, I really enjoyed it.

Oh, no.

I keep thinking about when you nearly flip the table over when that guy told you the lady has to order first.

Now that's just in my head forever.

It was disrespect.

Also, I feel like some listeners will have some questions about that story that we should ask.

What do you mean?

I don't think we've had someone on the podcast before who has said that they were on a date and said to the other person and told them, I'll order for you.

Which I've never heard that mean.

You ask, it's like, can I order it?

Sometimes they like it.

Sometimes a lady likes it if you order for them.

And it depends on what you're getting.

If you know, like, if it's a steak restaurant, you know, we're getting the surf and turf and then these are the sides.

It's easy to order for the lady.

But if it's like a...

big menu and you don't know what they're going to get i let them order it's not like a thing it's just like a fun thing to do every once in a while okay yeah but you have to say now i'll order for the lady you have to start like that that way the waiter doesn't jump in and humiliate you.

Oh, really?

Oh, so that was it.

You felt humiliated when they said that.

You told you off about it.

100%.

100%.

It's like if someone corrects your grammar or like shushes you.

It doesn't matter if they're right, you hate them forever.

Sure.

No one likes a shusher.

Yeah, Ed's definitely a shusher.

He's shushed me multiple times on this holiday.

Yeah.

I just have to just look at them.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

You're damn right you do.

I mean, there's so many things I still want to disagree with you on the ordering for people thing, but I don't fucking care.

Not for people

who're going to free it.

Or if you, you know, I sat down with a group of people and been like, I've been to this restaurant a hundred times.

Let me, do you guys mind if I order for the table?

Uh-huh.

And then you just order a bunch of stuff and everyone splits it.

That's fun.

Like I like to pick up the check.

That way I can order whatever I want.

If I want to order the nice bottle of wine, I don't want everyone having to split the check with me.

Sure.

I want to order what I want.

You guys enjoy it.

But I'm going to take over here and pay for everything.

Also, this is when you're paying for it.

You have to be paying for it.

If you're not paying for it and you order like like that, then you're a complete jerk.

Although

I once went to a restaurant that the guy owned.

I was at a comedy festival and this guy's like, bring your friends in, sat down at the table with us, ordered for the entire table, charged us for every single thing.

Every drink, everything he ordered, every appetizer, and we couldn't believe it.

And we paid it.

But that was a shock.

I had that once before a gig on a tiny little island off of the United Kingdom.

And we got there, and the guy was like, organize you this meal beforehand, the promoter of the gig, and he also turned out to own the restaurant and we got the meal and then we had to pay for it and I was not expecting that.

No, it was quite the surprise.

It's always a shock.

It's a good way to run a restaurant though, isn't it?

Just invite people to come to your restaurant and then make them pay for everything you've given them.

Yeah.

Oh, we absolutely.

I know what I've just done there is just described every restaurant.

That is every restaurant's trick, actually, isn't it?

Every restaurant does that trick.

They say, come to our restaurant and then you go and then you've got to pay for it.

Yeah, but if they just like bring something out you have not ordered and like the chef would like you to have this and then they charge you for it.

Yeah,

that's that's a crime.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely mad.

That's a crime.

So we come to something that you have ordered.

Nice little segue.

Well done.

Fair enough.

Your starter.

Raw oysters straight out of the ocean.

Chilled.

Yeah, that's pretty straight.

How straight out of the ocean do you want them?

Do you want to pluck them out yourself?

I used to work at a restaurant on Martha's Vineyard, which is like a famous island off the coast of America here.

And I worked in a restaurant.

At the end of my shift, I worked the lunch shift.

It was a seafood restaurant.

They bring me in oysters right out of the ocean.

I put them in a big thing of ice water for like an hour, chill them because that opens them up a little bit.

And the last hour of my shift, I would take the little oyster knife and cut them in half and prepare them for the night shift.

And I could eat as many as I wanted.

Oh, wow.

And it was just the most delicious thing ever.

That the fresher they are, the better they are.

I don't even put, I don't put cocktail sauce on them.

I don't put vinegar on them.

I just like them, just that.

I want to taste the ocean and each oyster, so that's that's the ultimate appetizer for me.

Sounds delicious.

What's the most amount of oysters you think you could eat before you started getting fed up of oysters in one session?

It's funny.

When I was in college, this is before I worked on Martha's Vineyard, I had heard that oysters were an aphrodisiac.

That if you ate oysters, it like made you want to have sex more.

And I would go on dates.

If you guys didn't know what an aphrodisiac was,

we don't have those in the UK.

I once went to, and I went to school in New Orleans, where they had great seafood and amazing oysters.

And I took a date and I I was like, let's see how many we can eat and how horny we get.

And I think we ate...

Let's see how many we can eat and how horny we get.

I want to say three dozen oysters between two people.

So a dozen and a half.

And how?

And how horny did you get?

I mean, I was in college, so the same horny I was throughout college.

Yeah, it's like the hangover.

I don't know how much difference that's making.

You're already at maximum horny, yeah.

Exactly.

It didn't do anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But

I suppose for the real test, you're going to have to wait until you're like a really old man and then eat loads of oysters and and see what happens.

Well, I think now there's so many chemicals in the ocean that I bet there's got to be Viagra in oysters.

You don't have to worry about it.

Like you get you get your dosage of cocaine,

antidepressants in Viagra, no matter what you're eating.

Yeah, they've absorbed all of that.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Does that mean are oysters always horny?

themselves?

It's a good question.

I mean, there are so many of them.

You've got to imagine they're boning.

Yeah.

That

I got to say, yeah.

I'm going to go ahead and say yes.

Oysters are always horny.

Yeah, yeah.

Because they're always tasting themselves.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, are they?

Yeah, like if you're like, think about what your tongue tastes like, you have no idea, but you're tasting it all the time.

Yeah, that's what oysters, that's what they have to deal with.

It's blowing my mind.

I'm always tasting my tongue.

But they're always, they're in their shell, right?

So they're not horny and getting off with each other.

They're just locking themselves in their shell and like really going at themselves, right?

Yeah, solo.

Yeah, I think they masturbate and then throw it at each other.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

They open the shells a little bit, just enough to chuck it in there.

Best way to do it.

I guess, yeah, if that's how you have to reproduce, then yeah, you're going to need to be really horny to do that.

I don't think they'll have to.

I think they just enjoy it.

Yeah.

Just enjoy.

Yeah, like oysters, dolphins, and humans, and monkeys have sex for pleasure.

Right.

Otherwise, they're just trying to, you know, procreate.

They're the only ones.

I don't know about you, but when you said those four things all have sex for pleasure, I'd imagine them all fucking each other just then.

That's what I meant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course.

Oh, I wasn't there at all.

You guys had that

cross-species orgy in your mind.

I guess you've never been to a zoo.

No.

That's pretty much what it's like.

Is that all it's like all the time?

Is this one, all the animals banging?

Wow.

Just those four.

Oh, just those four.

For pleasure.

Because the others are making it.

The other ones are doing it just to put on a show.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So your main course after those delicious oysters?

After the oysters, no more fish for me.

No.

I'm going steak, guys.

We're going steak.

And not just any steak.

I'm going, and I'm going to read this because I want to make sure that I get it exactly right.

USDA prime dry aged 35 days sirloin steak, medium rare plus.

Wow.

My favorite steakhouse in Los Angeles is a place called Cut.

It's a Wolfgang Puck's steakhouse here.

And they have like one of those steak samplers you can get where you get like the wagyu and the different kinds.

And this one, the 35 a day dry aged grass-fed, I was like, this is the best thing I've I've ever had and now whenever I go I get that one

so I've like I've done the taste test and I know exactly which one is the best and I I love any kind of steak I enjoy the dry age the more the better it's always more interesting it's not always a better steak but it's interesting I recently had like a 450 day dry aged steak what didn't even taste like steak

didn't look like steak it was almost like a jerky aspect to it but it was delicious and you wouldn't want to eat it all the time but if they have it you got to order it that uh that i love it but if i'm going like perfect meal, magic restaurant, 35-day, dry-aged, grass-fed, sirloin.

450 days seems mad.

Yeah.

At some point, they'd celebrate the new year with that steak.

They call it a birthday steak when it gets to 365.

And then they just cut pieces off until it's gone.

But then this one, they were just like, let's wait until 400 and then see how long it can last.

And if you dried something, it can last forever.

Wow.

But it's, you know.

I got obsessed with a, which I've showed you this.

So there's a YouTube account account of a guy who sous vides everything.

He what?

He sous vides everything.

You know that method of cooking where you like put it in a vacuum pack and then put it in like a warm bath of water.

Okay.

I didn't know that was what was called that.

Yeah, yeah.

So he just sous vides everything.

And then

he did a brisket.

He sous vide'd a brisket for a month in slightly warm water.

And he's checking in on it every day and looking at it and he couldn't wait to eat it.

And the video goes on for about half an hour.

And then he tastes it and it's disgusting.

I mean, that's the kind of thing, like, when when that guy dies, no one's gonna ask why.

Yeah.

If you live your life like that, that's how it's gonna go because you need to get a steak above a certain temperature or like a brisket above a certain temperature for it to be safe to eat.

And he did not get it there.

It was like 30 degrees for a month, and then he ate some.

And yeah, actually, he hasn't put in any more videos up since then.

Yeah, no, absolutely, he hasn't.

No more birthday steaks for him, if you know what I'm saying.

No more birthdays.

He's dead.

He's dead.

Yeah.

I get it.

You weren't laughing or applauded.

I mean, I still got it.

Didn't applaud the joke.

But, you know.

So medium rare.

Medium rare plus, I say.

Do you mean above that?

It's like in between medium and medium rare.

And I'll tell you why.

Okay.

Since you're asking.

Yes.

Steak restaurants undercook your steak on purpose.

Because if they overcook it and you send it back, they got to throw out the steak.

If they undercook it, then they can cook it a little more.

So you say medium rare plus, it's basically like exactly what you want.

They kind of try to get it in but because I want perfect medium rare.

I don't want undercooked medium rare and I hate sending things back.

So you say medium rare plus it's like let's undercook medium and then you get the perfect steak.

I did not know that.

That is quite I have no idea that they undercook it on purpose.

It makes sense because that just saves them money.

And some restaurants won't do it.

They say

medium, we prefer meat.

The chef recommends medium rare.

We don't do medium rare plus.

So I'll say medium rare plus whatever that that means to you.

Yeah, yeah.

And

they get it.

Oh, like you're speaking code, like magicians do.

Like Pen Intelli do.

See, I don't want to be rude about this.

I'm not particular or dainty with my food, but

do what you think is best.

But you know what I mean when I say medium rare plus.

Yeah, they know what you're talking about.

What is the worst steak you've ever had?

I was on a date, and the date was not going well.

And we were at a steakhouse where they're famous for how they cook the steak, it's perfect.

And they overcooked the shit out of mine.

Like, it was brutal, where it was like gray.

And I asked for medium rare, medium rare plus, and it was gray.

And they were like, oh, we'll take it back and get you another one.

But I wanted the date to be over.

So I'm like, no, this is actually exactly how I want it.

And I woofed it down, and it was brutal.

It was brutal.

Have you ever been to Morton's steakhouse in LA?

I have.

James went there and he shot his pants.

Yes.

Like, right away?

Or?

Basically, it wasn't to do with the steakhouse.

It was I had a case of deer from a food truck the night before.

I woke up in the middle of the night, just chat for ages, and then I had to go and do my first bit of American television, held it in for that, went straight to a steakhouse.

And my agent at the time, he wanted to celebrate the TV appearance by going to a steakhouse.

And as soon as we went in there, I went to the toilet.

But then when I went to the toilet, I was like, actually,

no, I only need a wee now.

It's fine.

Let's go for it.

So I started weeing, and then I shat myself.

And that's what happened.

Well, now you have this great dinner story you can tell

whenever people are eating.

Yeah, I can tell that to people around the dinner table and stuff like that.

But like, you know, it's not far from here.

So now do you always sit down to we?

Yeah, like be said.

Oh, it's nicer anyway, isn't it?

Do you like it?

I don't do that.

No, I don't know why I asked that you would do that.

You have no way that you would do that.

You had shit standing up.

Yeah, I know.

You shit standing up yeah from a from a height into the bowl and you hit it every time

i would imagine yeah there's no sitting down probably getting tasks done as you're standing up doing the shit right like fixing a car lift weights yeah lifting weights yeah it's like a standing desk you've got a standing toilet at home yeah yeah annihilating tasks man i can only imagine also like i i'm gonna try and like think about how like next time i order a steak i'm gonna want to say medium rare plus yeah but what will happen with me is i'll say medium rare plus and they'll say we don't do that that and I'll go, I'm sorry.

You don't have to apologize.

But I will.

I'll go, I'm so sorry.

Say medium rare plus, whatever that means to you.

Whatever that means to you.

Because I once asked a waiter, I said, listen, when I say medium rare plus,

are you just like, yeah, asshole, medium rare, and then put it in?

Or is there, and she showed me on the thing, there is a key for medium rare plus.

Like, it's popular enough now that people know it.

It's a real thing.

Did you used to have to do the thing where you squeeze your hand to see the different

cooks of the steak?

You heard this?

I've never gathered that.

Like,

when I was in college, I came home for a summer.

My parents were like, get out of the house and get a job right now.

We're not going to have you sit around the house.

And I went to a restaurant down the street and I said, I'm looking for a job.

And they said, we need a cook and we need a dishwasher.

And I was so stupid, I thought, well, I don't know how to cook, but I know I can wash dishes.

So I said, dishwasher, not realizing I'm getting paid half as much.

And they teach you how to cook.

It's not like they just say, okay, we eat burgers now, go for it.

They teach you what to do.

So that whole summer I was just miserable watching this guy who was so fucking dumb cooking everything and making way more money while I was doing the worst job in the place.

So I never learned the thing about like, here's the firmness.

Here's how it is.

I don't cook much on my own.

And if I had to try to cook something to temperature, I would either overcook it or undercook it.

I don't

understand what you're saying, but I refuse to learn it.

It's like astrology to me.

It's like, oh, there's the big dipper.

Great.

I'm not memorizing this.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I can't imagine you pointing up at the stars and saying, look, that's a lovely constellation and pointing that out to people.

I'm the only star you need to look at.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

So

your side dish for the steak,

is this something that goes with the steak?

Or is it just the best side dish you've ever had?

I could only pick one, even though it's a magic restaurant.

You think you could pick like a bunch of different ones.

And I just want the classic

mashed potatoes, garlic mashed potatoes.

Maybe some truffle in there if you want.

I don't need it, but if it's on there, I'll choose it.

Mashed potatoes, great.

You can't mess them up.

You throw some garlic in there, even better.

Some truffle on top of that, sure.

But any of those combinations are good.

But a mashed potato with the steak

is fantastic.

Wonderful.

James is known as the mash king because when he worked in a kitchen, he was the best at the mash.

I mean, that's the job that any monkey could do.

And that was like your your claim to fame.

I don't think I've ever met a monkey called the mash king.

Monkeys are the only other animal that make mashed potato for pleasure.

Did you peel the potato or did you...

They were already peeled and you just

boiled them and then mashed them?

They were already peeled and boiled.

Oh, really?

I didn't know this.

Yes.

Oh, so you didn't even cook the potatoes?

No, they would peel and boil them and I'd come in and they would pour the water away and I'd mash them.

Did you actually mash them or did you just kind of scoop them out and put them on a plate?

Because

this story is getting worse and worse.

No, I mashed them.

I put in butter and cream.

Did they like you at this place?

Oh, yeah.

Did they give you a masher or did you just have to do it with your face?

I had a masher.

I had a

really good masher, actually.

When they called you the MASH King, like, how did they say it?

You know,

give it to the Mash King.

How were you imagining they said it?

The fucking Mash King over here.

Oh, no.

I don't remember them saying it like that.

Did they do like trumpet sounds when you walked in and stuff?

Like,

and then like announcing me to the kitchen yeah they may as well have that's how much respect i think i had in that kitchen i would have thought you'd be like the remind him to wash his hands king you know i mean

i mean they did have to remind me to wash my hands

you know but they were spicking span they look clean now very clean boy now yeah where to go buddy yeah thanks bud

are you a big hand washer do you do you wash them quite regularly um semi-regularly you know especially during like the flu season things things going on.

You want to be safe.

But I try to wash my hands.

And as a, I'm going to go ahead and call myself a celebrity, a minor celebrity for sure.

Go ahead.

But I've definitely, I've been in a bathroom.

Like, I'm going to go to a sports event.

You know, I'm in the bathroom.

It's like people are just trying to get in and out.

I want to get back before the game starts again.

I don't wash my hands.

I see someone online being like, just saw Justin in the bathroom, didn't wash his hands.

But now I think, this is my reputation.

You know, I've got to wash my hands.

But if my hands feel dry, you know what I mean?

I don't feel like they're dirty.

I don't want to wash them every time.

It depends on what I'm doing.

What I'm doing next.

If I'm making someone something, I'll wash them.

Sure.

I'm going to shake a bunch of hands.

My hands feel sticky, a little clammy.

I'll throw some soap on them.

Soap them up.

Yeah.

You don't really need to wash your hands if you've just done a shit standing up anyway, do you?

Yeah.

You just keep them away from there.

You're good.

Yeah.

I just get the blow dryer and just stick it back there for a couple minutes and then I'm good to go.

Stroll out of there.

If it's good enough for astronauts, it's good enough for me.

Is that how astronauts do it?

Blow dry their butts?

Do they?

Yeah.

All the time, even on Earth?

Mm-hmm.

That's where it started.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They started there, then went, we're going to take this trend to the moon.

So hold on.

They blow dry their.

How do they do this?

With a blow dryer.

But like, do they wipe as well?

I mean, with like, because have you ever seen a blow dryer?

It's like one end is like where the hot air comes out, and then it's just like a bunch of plastic.

You can just use that.

You know, roll it up and down a couple times.

Oh, yeah?

With a plastic nub?

And then you flip it around round and then dry your butt.

Ed.

I'm not sure all of this is true.

Do you think he's making it up?

Well he knows that I'm too scared to correct him.

He knows that I'm not going to say to him that sounds like bullshit.

Well you guys don't have a space program.

We do.

So that's a good point.

It's not you don't you don't have like the stand-on if you want to correct him.

That is true.

We haven't got a space program.

We don't really know.

And if we did, we wouldn't, that's not how our astronauts would wipe their butts.

No.

And do it properly.

Well, really, the best way is just to...

You should have a bottle of water and splash it off like that, right?

Not in space, though, because

if you pour it out in space, the water's going to float around.

Then you're going to have to chase the blobs of water with your butt.

Oh, yeah.

That's why I use the blow dryer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you're not chasing the water.

They don't have bidets in space.

Yeah, that's true.

We don't have those in England anyway.

Bidets?

No.

No?

They're not big here.

I mean, people like, rich people have them.

Have you ever tried one?

It's unpleasant.

It's not a nice feeling.

I'm not into it.

And like Japanese toilets, I like the idea of the

spray in the water to wash, but it's not for me.

I'd rather have just a slightly dirty butt,

I think, and then just give it a big wash at the end of the day.

I don't like when people have

the baby wipes on the back of the toilet.

It's like, how filthy are you?

You're acting like you don't own a blow dryer.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, sure.

Have you ever had a bidet steak?

Beg your pardon, James?

What?

A bidet steak?

A steak that's cooked in a bidet?

Is that weird?

Yes.

You said about birthday steak earlier.

I thought I'd do a funny little call.

Are you throwing a callback at me?

Oh, yes.

I thought I'd just throw a little callback at you.

That's the worst thing you've ever done on him.

Yeah.

That's so bad.

That's a crime against comments.

Anthony's got you so shook.

It's brilliant.

I'm absolutely terrified.

I'm off my game.

I'm not thinking straight.

I've got no confidence in anything that comes out of my mouth.

You shouldn't do it if it's fucking bidet steak.

Why are you ganging up against me?

Sorry.

Why are you taking it?

I just talked about birthday steaks, maybe.

Yeah.

But it's been quite some time.

Are you going to air this?

Yeah.

Did we just put a bullet in this one?

This is perfect.

This is perfect.

I think this one is going out, but like.

If you guys title each episode differently, I hope it's called Bidet Steak.

Yeah, yeah.

Bidet Steak, maybe.

Oh, I'm having an anxiety attack.

Oh, I'm loving it.

In my head, it was good bidet steak.

I still, Joe, this this is how shook I am.

I still don't know why it didn't work.

Still in my head, it was the best idea I had at the time.

Would you like me to explain it to you?

Yep.

Okay, a callback, you gotta have like the first thing in your head, you know, so it's like it, like you remember that first thing.

And so birthday and bidet aren't even that similar.

And it was so long ago that I talked about the birthday steak

that, and even the way you said it was without confidence whatsoever.

I think you were looking at the table and it almost sounded like just the fact that the steak was made in a bidet was the joke.

Yes.

I mean, it was a failure across the board.

Also,

birthday steak, we didn't really hang around on that for very long either.

We mentioned it once.

Yeah, I forgot we talked about it at all until he brought it up.

It just stuck in my head because I thought a birthday steak sounded fun.

What's like your normal job?

Mash King?

Did I mention that recently enough to be able to refer back to it?

Yeah.

Yeah, that worked.

Oh, thank you.

You're learning.

You're learning on the job.

Oh, what's your dream drink?

I mean, dream drink.

I'm a simple man.

You know, I'm usually like something on the rocks.

You know,

a glass of scotch with like one big ice cube, but like really good scotch.

I don't drink the bad stuff.

But I think for a dinner like this, whenever I'm at a steakhouse, I got to go martini.

I go gray goose, straight up, dirty, with regular olives.

I swore off blue cheese olives a long time ago.

I was like, I'm going to be a man and get olives without cheese stuffed in them.

And

I enjoy that.

Regular olives.

We only heard about the blue cheese thing recently.

Nobody knows it was all.

It's not like an international thing?

No,

it might be.

We've probably just not been to those places.

But I think that sounds like a great idea, but you've decided to be a man and not have the cheese.

Like, if it's the, like, let's say they have a special martini and it's got blue cheese olives, I'm not going to correct them.

But if they ask me if I want olives, I say yes, and they say blue cheese, I say no, thank you but I just feel like it's like it's a it's a it's a little girl thing it's a thing for like 16 year old girls blue cheese in a martinis in an olive yeah that doesn't scream 16 year old girl to me what screams 16 year old girl to you well I don't know because I don't hang out with any

I've never even met a 16 year old girl oh yeah no it's like it's like the it's like an apple teeny kind of thing you know I just don't it's like a novelty a novelty thing yeah I don't need the blue cheese I like a martini I don't need the blue cheese olives yeah nice to briefly see you on the ropes there, actually.

Yeah, I know.

After having completely sold me out earlier, like a little Judas and ganged up on me.

And then you questioned the olives.

You got the Jesnik stare, and you immediately batched down.

No, no, no.

I haven't seen a 16-year-old girl before.

I'm going to stand up for myself.

I don't think blue cheese is something that 16-year-old girls are eating on a regular basis.

No, blue cheese is, blue cheese is good.

I enjoy it in a salad.

I like just eating blue cheese on crackers.

But if you want to stick in olives and put it in a martini, what are you drinking the martini for?

Right.

You know, do you need that blue cheese olive?

I like regular olives.

It's fine.

I like a dirty martini, and I like that olive juice taste.

Yeah.

Chuck the brown.

No vermouth.

I don't want any vermouth anywhere near it.

No?

No.

Don't even wash the glass out with it.

It's disgusting.

You hate vermouth?

Why?

I hate it.

It's not good.

Have you ever had vermouth?

Yeah, I quite like it.

What do you like about it?

Stick up for yourself, James.

James,

I know what he's doing.

You just stick up for yourself.

If you want to say you like vermouth, he's doing it.

So come on.

Why do you like vermouth?

I've had like in Rob Roy's and stuff, I've had Red Vermouth.

I think it makes it like quite nice and sweet and makes the drink taste like what I imagined whiskey tasted like before I ever drank whiskey.

Oh, God dang it.

Wait, isn't a Rob Roy just Coke and cherry juice?

No, not Coke and cherry juice.

No.

It's whiskey and red vermouth with some bitters in there.

Okay.

I can see vermouth having its uses outside of a martini.

Yep.

You know what I mean?

I'm not going to judge you on that.

Okay.

I've had it in a...

I think I've had it in a martini.

It's a Vesper martini.

Does that have...

I don't know.

If you say dry, I want a dry martini, that means no vermouth or light vermouth.

If you say bone-dry, it means absolutely no.

But most places don't make it with vermouth anymore.

Well, if you say bone-dry plus, then they're definitely going to make it bone-dry, right?

I think they take the bottle of vermouth and smash it on the ground in front of them.

If you say bone-dry plus.

And then they get their hair dry.

They used to dry their butts, and then they dry up their vermouth on the floor.

Another callback?

Listen, that was a good one.

That was a good one.

I enjoyed that one.

Don't look at me like that.

I'm wrapping up my friend.

On a relative scale, I'll give you.

Like, have you ever seen the movie?

What's it called?

Describe what happens in it.

It's like a new James Bond kind of thing

where they have no,

the Kingsman.

You ever see the Kingsman?

At the end of the first one, he goes into the spy sneaks into a party and they ask him what he wants to drink.

And he says he wants a martini

stirred, not shaken.

He's kind of playing off the Bond thing.

And he's like, I want you to stir it 10 times counterclockwise while staring at an unopened bottle of vermouth.

And the butler's like big smile.

And he's like, very good, sir.

Like, that's a cool way to order a drink.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

And it's not.

But in the movie, they play it that way.

Yeah, they really.

And then at the end of the movie, even though it's been a good movie and nice and funny,

there's just a joke about him having anal sex with a woman right at the end.

Have you seen that?

It's not really a joke more than just like, he's going to have anal sex.

People were mad about that, which I thought was surprising.

It was a tonal left turn, I'd say.

Yes, but it was a a very, like for the Bond, if you've seen all the James Bond movies,

there's a Bond movie where Pierce Brosnan says, is sleeping with a woman named Christmas.

Her last name is Christmas, and he says, I thought Christmas only came once a year.

And that's the end of the movie.

That is less outrageous than just showing a woman's ass about to get railed, I think.

I haven't seen The Kingsman, so I can't really comment while that's what happens.

No, it hasn't stopped you from all these comments you've been making so far.

Yeah,

I'll make comments.

In the first James Bond with Daniel Craig, they wanted to separate it from the other Bond movies.

So he sits at the bar and he goes,

I want a martini.

And they go, shaken or stirred.

And he says, do I look like I give a damn?

Like, really, like, snaps it off.

And they're like, oh,

it's not shaken, not stirred.

He doesn't give a damn.

And I was so pumped seeing the movie, I went to get a drink afterwards.

I ordered a martini, and the guy goes, shaken or stirred.

and I said do I look like I give a damn and the guy was just like what the fuck

just like are you happy

why are you swearing at me this is not this is not okay also if he's like near the cinema with it with his uh bar i bet he's getting that a lot yeah every night go why has everyone suddenly started getting some idea the martini is more popular but i'm getting a lot of shit for it that actually happens to me in restaurants where i think the waiter recognizes me and is a fan so i'll say something dickish to them and they are not a fan they don't know who i am and i'm just being very rude uh Yes, it upsets people.

And then you have to leave a big tip and write on the receipt.

I was in persona, I apologize.

I'll leave a tip anyway, but

I'll let it be awkward.

I'll sit in it.

I'm like, I earned this.

I should not have acted the way that I did.

Is that what's happening here?

What, that I think you guys are big fans, so I can be a jerk?

You can't blame this on me.

I'm doing my best to get through what you're throwing out.

Yes.

And I just assume that people are listening to this and they want to be entertained.

I'm trying to carry you.

Yes.

Like the end of a war movie.

Harry Potter Hagwood carries him out of the woods.

I'm trying to let you know you're going to be okay, even though you're bleeding everywhere.

Yeah.

Did you just say Harry Potter Hagrid carries him out of the woods?

Yes, that's what happens at the end of one of the Harry Potter films.

Right.

Hagwood carries him out of the woods.

Why are you saying that now?

Just trying to say that.

I've seen other films where people get carried.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

I have that effect.

I'm not a great dinner companion.

I've never seen a Harry Potter movie.

You wouldn't like it.

You look like you've seen them all.

Yeah, I've seen all of them.

Have you ever said like a marathon, like an eight movie marathon?

No, but I would be a guess.

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You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

So you check all that, but you don't check to see what your ride options are.

In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

No, no, I'm going to just enjoy it.

What dessert would you like?

Okay, any dessert I could possibly have.

And I'm not, honestly, I'm much of a sweet tooth.

I'm not a big dessert guy, but my favorite, going to college in New Orleans, there's a famous restaurant called Commander's Palace.

It's like a historic restaurant there.

And it's one of those where like, when you order in the beginning, they're like, if you want the souffle,

we recommend it, you have to order it now.

It takes like three hours to cook.

So it's the

Creole bread pudding souffle from Commander's Palace.

It is delicious.

That's incredible.

No one's ever finished one, but it's amazing too.

Like they bring it over, they pour like some kind of cream on top of it and break it open with a spoon, and

it's incredible.

How big are they that no one's ever finished it?

I think it's just like

the meal at a commander's palace type place or any in New Orleans is so rich anyway.

By the time you get to this thing, you enjoy the five or six bites you get, but it's not huge.

It's not like some giant thing.

If you just ate that, walked in and had the souffle, you could finish it no problem.

But it's after eating all this

good stuff that it's hard to cram down a dessert.

I once won a

competition, a souffle-making competition.

Did you?

Yeah.

How many potatoes did you use?

It was raspberry souffle in a restaurant in Edinburgh during the festival, and it was for someone, someone was doing a YouTube thing where they were trying to get a comedians cooking against each other competition going on.

And I beat Jeff Leach.

Oh, well done.

And like the souffle, I mean, I feel like soufflet either work or don't.

Like, I don't know anything about them, but like either they rise and they collapse or they like.

And you knew enough about cooking to make it just work.

We've got a crash course in it by the chef.

So it's the actual chef's own recipe.

So a proper good chef.

And he quickly taught us how to make it.

And then, I think, you know, we were deliberately being set up to fail for comedy.

And I made a slightly less worse one than the other guy.

But it was delicious mixture.

Have you ever eaten, like, raw souffle mixture before?

No.

I don't know why.

And why the fuck did I ask this?

Why would you ever sit I mean, there's no way you've eaten raw souffle mixture, especially raspberry souffle.

It was very nice.

It was very nice.

We ate loads of it.

It's really velvety, and I escaped to that memory every now and again during this.

I should have been thinking about that this whole podcast.

It would have made me feel secure.

How often do you go to Edinburgh?

I haven't been for a couple of years, but I did go every year for

10 years?

Yeah, I do every year, pretty much.

I went, I think, last year, the year before, for the first time ever.

And it was...

It was a wild time.

I did two shows on two separate nights.

I was just walking around looking at all the flyers.

And I couldn't believe how many the musicals there were.

Yeah, it was like everything, the musical.

And I was like, How in the hell are they getting anyone to see?

Like, I could see one thing being the musical, but it was everything.

What people normally will do, they'll wait for like a big zeitgeistie thing.

So there'll be like five Brexit, the musicals, and they just hope that people see Brexit and go, That's something that is real.

And then they and then they go and watch it.

So I don't think they're good.

None of them are good.

No, but I can't imagine.

Yeah.

I don't like regular musicals, much less a parody musical that's clearly been thrown thrown together in a month.

Game of Thrones, the musical, that was big as well.

I think, yeah, and that guy did one man breaking bad.

People just wait for something to be popular and then do a fridge show version of it, basically.

Yeah.

Would you go back with Jesinit the musical?

I can't imagine.

I can't imagine doing musical anything, but I would definitely go back and do two shows.

Doing the month

seems like a lot.

I used to want to do that, but then I kind of outgrew that desire.

I don't want to be anywhere more than a couple of days in any place ever to perform, you know what I mean?

If I'm like doing a week, I went to London once and did a week of shows, and I didn't understand why I didn't just do one big one instead of doing you know seven days of it.

Yeah, that's yeah, that makes sense.

Every time, so we just grew up as comics doing the Edinburgh Festival for the full month and never worked out that you don't have to do it.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, every time I hear an American comic say, oh, just go for a few days, like, oh, yeah, fuck.

You could do that.

I was surprised.

I went to a festival in Dublin, the Vodafone Festival, and I met

a comic, and he's like, You want to, you know, get a whiskey, get to know each other?

I'm like, great.

And he says, yeah, I'm going from here to Edinburgh.

I almost have my hour done.

I just need 10 more minutes.

I said, do you mean 10 more funny minutes?

And he goes, oh, no, in Edinburgh, you just have to talk.

And I thought, Jesus Christ, like, no wonder I've never heard of you.

Like, that sounds awful.

Like, we just have to, like, talk about my dad dying.

Yeah, that was a big thing for a while.

I don't think people can do that anymore though because it's become so much of a trope sure and once you've done it once you can't do it again people know people know it hasn't happened again that's it play that card once no confidence saying that as soon as i said it no confidence

terry hatcher was in just before you she was laughing and touching my arm would you like anthony to touch your arm no because he'd break it How many callbacks did you do?

A few, quite a few.

She loved them.

I feel like Terry Hatcher built your confidence up too much.

Yeah.

I watched that happen as well.

You should have had me coming first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, let's read the order back.

So, normally I'd say I'm going to read the order.

Let me know how you feel about it.

I already know how you feel about it.

Completely confident, and definitely you're fine with all of this.

Sparkling water, pretzel roll with salt, butter, and also salt on the butter.

Raw oysters straight out of the ocean, chilled.

US DA Prime, Dry Age, 35, Medium Rare Plus Steak, garlic mashed potatoes with maybe a little bit of truffle in there.

dirty martine with regular olives, and Creole bread pudding souffle from Commander's Palace.

Feel good about that?

I mean, yeah, I've wrote it.

Yep.

You know, like I

copied it down correctly.

Yeah.

Do people ever come in and say, oh no,

everything I said was wrong?

Sometimes they can maybe feel like there was so many choices that they

had, so many things that they nearly chose, and then they hear the order back and go, oh, is that what I want?

Oh, I'm not sure, but it depends what.

Or like they mixed it wrong.

Yeah, Yeah, I gave this a lot of thought before.

I thought, Magic Restaurant, how many opportunities am I going to have to do this?

The answer is zero.

Absolutely.

That I wanted to get it right, you know.

Will you be finishing the souflex?

You've had quite a heavy meal before that.

You know, it's been so long since I've had it, since I've been to Commander's Palace, that I'm going to make sure, I'm going to stuff it.

Even if I got to carry it out in my cheeks, you know what I mean?

I'm going to do it and then just go home and blow dry it.

Yeah, that's how you do a callback.

That's how you do a callback.

The thing is, I don't feel like, oh, God.

What's What's up, James?

I don't feel like that.

I feel like we've just got different energies and that one of us knows that they're in charge and so they can say, and that's how you do a callback.

Whereas I'm thinking in my head, it was fine.

When you say different energies, do you mean one of us has confidence?

Yeah, one of us is very confident and one of us is terrified by the other one.

Which one's which?

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe inside.

And one of us is just enjoying watching it all unfold.

Oh, God.

I'm enjoying myself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm glad you're both enjoying it.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Is this like the vibe every time?

Or does it be like that?

No, not at all.

Never before in my unique episodes.

Never before in my life on a podcast or off a podcast has this been the vibe.

Never.

It's great.

Why do you like this?

Because you're having a fucking meltdown.

I'm absolutely having a meltdown.

How do we usually wrap up the podcast, Ed?

Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you.

Thank you for letting me order for everyone.

I appreciate it.

well there we have it that was the off menu menu of anthony jeselnik uh james is not here to do the outro uh he's too scared he's hiding in a cupboard uh come out matt james he's gone he's not coming out for hours now uh but we very much enjoyed that one thank you for coming into the off menu restaurant anthony jeselnick uh if you enjoyed the cut of his jib he has a couple of netflix specials available uh they're called thoughts and Prayers and Fire in the Maternity Ward.

Hmm, bit blue.

So

give those a watch.

Bit weird doing this without James, especially as I can see him peeking out from behind the cupboard door.

Oh man, he's so spooked.

Is he gone dead?

Anthony, of course, did not say iced gems, so we didn't have to kick him out.

Thank God, because if we'd tried, I don't think we could have managed it.

So check out all those things.

Check out our socials at OfMenuOfficial on Insta and Twitter and offmenupodcast.co.uk on the website.

There's also a list of restaurants that you can go to on there.

Thank you very much for listening.

We will see you again sometime soon.

James, come out now.

I'm not afraid anymore.

I'm not afraid anymore.

You check your feed and your account.

You check the score and the restaurant reviews.

You check your hair and reflective surfaces and the world around you for recession indicators.

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In this economy, next time, check Lyft.

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Oh, hi, James.

Have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, go on.

You and I are modern boys because the off-menu podcast is now on YouTube.

This is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing, man?

You love YouTube.

I love watching clips on YouTube.

Sure.

Now people can watch clips of Off Menu on YouTube and full episodes.

But it's embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing at all.

It's really cool.

We're on YouTube with the great and good.

The coolest people in the world are on YouTube.

Me, you, Logan Paul.

Who's Logan Paul, the dad from Succession?

At Offmenu Podcast.

That's what Benito's calling us now.

And we're on TikTok.

This is embarrassing, man.

It's not embarrassing, man.

We're cool.

We're like Olivia Rodrigo.

And Ed.

People have been asking us, badgering us, bothering us, actually.

They want to watch the Stephen Graham supercut from the Stephen Graham episode so they can see all of his reactions to us, everything that he did.

Oh, Benito has bent to their whims and he's going to put it on YouTube.

He's going to do it.

Follow us at Off Menu Official on TikTok at Off Menu Podcast on YouTube.

You can watch clips from the podcast.

And on YouTube, you can watch full video episodes.

People have been asking for it, and you're finally getting it.

Full video episodes.

So you can see every single nuance on our little faces.