Ep 59: Roisin Conaty (Bonus Episode)

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu Podcast.

Hello, it's James A.

Caster here from the Off Menu Podcast.

And before the episode starts, we'd like to talk to you about All Our Relations, a non-profit co-founded by your friend of mine, comedian Jen Brister, and Georgia Takax.

Yes, All Our Relations was originally started to support 15 families in Gaza when the genocide started, but now supports 21 families and funds several mutual aid projects, including two seven-day food kitchens and two mobile food parcel delivery schemes, as well, feeding hundreds of families in Gaza every single day.

They've created an absolutely amazing thing.

And we feel like, you know, it's the off-menu podcast.

We talk about food and we are very lucky to eat wonderful food and have access to absolutely brilliant food all of the time.

And I think we need to talk about people who have access to no food, James.

Absolutely.

So if people would like to donate, please go to allourrelations.co.uk or look at the links in Jen Brister's bio on Instagram.

Every penny raised go to supporting people in Gaza.

Thank you so much and enjoy the episode.

Did you see the game last night?

Of course you did because you used Instacart to do your grocery restock.

Plus you got snacks for the game, all without missing a single play.

And that's on multitasking.

So we're not saying that Instacart is a hack for game day, but it might be the ultimate play this football season.

Enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders.

Service fees apply.

For three orders in 14 days.

Excludes restaurants.

Instacart, we're here.

You open the fridge.

There's nothing there.

So what's it gonna be?

Greasy pizza?

Sad drive-thru burgers?

Dish by Blue Apron is for nights like that.

These are the pre-made meals of your dreams.

At least 20 grams of protein, no artificial flavors or colors, no chopping, no cleanup, no guilt.

Keep the flavor.

Ditch the subscription.

Get 20% off your first two orders with code APRAN20.

Terms and conditions apply.

Visit blueapron.com/slash terms for more.

And you've got to expose the podcast to some hot chat, comedy heat, and then leave it to rest for 10 minutes to make sure it's succulent in the middle.

Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast.

James A.

Kawabunga.

I was about to say your name.

I don't even need to say your name because you've already introduced yourself with your traditional cowabunga.

Cowabunga, everybody.

I hope you're looking after each other and yourselves.

Cowabunga, Ed.

Kawabunga to you, James.

This is James A.

Caster and Ed Gamble on the Off Menu Podcast.

This is a little introduction that we're recording for a very special live-streamed episode that we did this week with the wonderful Roshi comedy James.

Oh man, we've already recorded this one.

It went out live and if you saw it, you'll know that technically it was a disaster.

It was a technical disaster.

It was a sweaty back nightmare.

It made all of the great Benito's hair fall out.

He used to have a luscious head of hair and now he looks like a thug.

Looks like a little thug.

Now, apart from the content of the episode, everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

Our guest had some issues signing onto the Skype chat.

Then the guest had issues with their internet.

Then James Acaster had issues with his internet.

So we can hear James on the episode, but on the live stream, we couldn't see James, which was a big disappointment because his facial expressions are a real highlight for the live-streamed episodes, I'd say.

Yes, little bonus, isn't it?

Because the podcast, you have to imagine what our faces look like.

The bonus of it being on YouTube and live stream is that you can see what our faces are doing.

but not for me.

I've got my lamp ready, I've got my mash crown ready that uh someone made for me.

All went to waste.

And then throughout the episode, we had issues.

Uh, I don't think Rosheen had muted something, so you could hear us talking back through Roshine's computer.

She tried to put her headphones on, uh, but her headphones didn't play anything through them.

She still had the headphones, sure, even though they didn't do the one function the headphones are supposed to do.

Absolute nightmare, but

I think the content was top-notch.

It really was.

I think Roshin is one of the perfect off-menu guests.

We've been waiting to get her on for a long time.

I think her choices were great.

She had brilliant reasons for all of them.

You're in for a real treat.

It's a very good menu.

It's a very funny menu.

A lot of great stuff came out of it.

And I really hope you can hear all of it because technically, Bonito's done his best.

I would have put my hands up and say, Bonito's done his best to sift through the absolute torrent of shit that we put out there.

And it's a bonus.

I hope you enjoy it.

Apologies for the sound issues.

I promise that in a few series' time, we'll get Rosheen back on in a proper recorded environment where we can actually sit her down and have a proper chat.

But for now, this can just be a nice little intro.

And there was a secret ingredient, James.

There was a secret ingredient.

It was carob.

Carob.

Fake chocolate.

Fake chocolate.

We probably even picked it on a previous episode.

I don't know.

Tell you what, I hope we did.

I hope it just adds to the absolute shambles that this episode is.

But also,

you said about Grape bonito's work very hard just bear it in mind while you're listening to this podcast for every minute or two minutes that you listen to benito's taken roughly 45 minutes to edit that so just really bear that in mind how much how much sweat and tears he had to put into this before you go tweeting him your little complaints It's a bonus.

We tried our hardest.

It was to raise money for a good cause.

It's the Cosmic Shambles Stay at Home Festival.

It's a raise money for performers and artists who've lost their livelihood during the coronavirus.

You can still drop some money in the jar.

Go to cosmicshambles.com forward slash stay at home, throw some money in the tip jar.

To be honest, actually, don't complain about any of the episodes because they're all free.

I mean, for fuck's sake, those of you who do complain, what are you on?

Where do you get off?

You get

something for free that no one forced you to listen to, and then you complain about it.

So, at least with this one, put some money in the jar and help people out who have lost their livelihood.

Right.

Well, without further ado, I think we're very much

putting off the inevitable.

Let's crack on with the off-menu podcast of Roshi Carnity.

Welcome.

It's a slightly chaotic one.

It's going to be very exciting.

We've got an amazing special guest.

I can't wait to introduce a special guest.

Genie, fuck off.

I've not introduced you yet.

No, fuck off.

Right.

Oh, but what's that lamp sat there?

Oh, everyone, rub the screen.

Give it a little rub.

Rub some of the muck off your screen as well, you dirty buggers.

Oh, who's that?

Who's that coming now?

Oh, oh,

it's the genie.

Hello, Ed.

It's the G.

Hello, James.

How are you, mates?

Very well.

Thank you.

Very exciting to be here and to appear out of my lamp.

as per usual.

Slight, I'm just enjoying the calm after the storm.

It's normally traditional to have a calm before the storm.

Oh, now this is something that I've seen James getting ready for quite a long time.

His Mash King crown.

I don't know if anyone watching out there is aware of the lore of the Mash King, but here is the Mash King in all his glory.

How many mashes are on the crown, James?

Oh, one,

two,

three,

four,

five.

Five mashes on the crown.

Does it fit me?

Not really.

I'll be honest, for me, your picture froze about five minutes ago.

So I've just got a comp you are completely still holding the mash crown in a perfect position.

Hopefully, for people at home,

oh, good.

No, it's frozen for the producers as well.

So, quite possibly at home, there are people now just watching a frozen picture of you with the mash crown on, which is the it's how frozen mash.

Frozen mash, it's not nice.

Uh, it's how I'd want to remember you.

If this is the last time I ever saw you, it is you completely frozen holding the mash crown.

Well, this is a disaster.

Hopefully, you're going to come back to us in picture as well as audio soon, James.

But how's lockdown going for you?

Oh, pretty good.

Yeah, just

hanging out with Jason Mackenzie a lot.

Mainly, just hanging out with Jason Mackenzie and talking about our lives and our hopes and our dreams.

And it's been real nice, actually.

Just really getting to know him.

Who are you spending more time with?

Mackenzie or Mackenzie or your girlfriend?

It's it's pretty evenly split.

They get quite jealous of one another, so I have to time it.

And like when I'm speaking to one of them, uh the timer goes off, so I'm like, sorry, gotta go, and then I'll go to the other person and have a chat with them for a bit, set the timer again.

Uh

timer of collapse, because uh I'm a GDWA team.

Oh, this is an absolute nightmare.

I should probably say now we're doing this for a good cause.

This is for the Cosmic Shambles Stay at Home Festival, which is to raise money for performers, artists, and musicians who've lost their livelihood during this damn virus.

There should be a link on the video now.

You can donate.

Please go and put some money in.

CosmicShambles.com forward slash stay at home.

You can also donate.

Go and do that now.

Because quite frankly, there's some performers here who appear to have not only lost their livelihood, they've lost their fucking minds.

James, have you pressed the video?

Yes, I pressed the video.

It's just not coming up.

It's just not doing it.

I've never had this before.

I've never had this with Skype before.

and it's the most amount of effort i've put into the visual element of skype i've never been here with a lamp and a mash grown on and yet completely because nothing's coming up do you think that's why do you think you've put you're doing too much and it can't handle it yeah it just knew it knew that it mattered and now look at it it's absolute nonsense the producers just said worst case we can put a still of james up right james here's what we're going to do we're going to crack on with the task in hand uh this podcast is a food podcast we interview interview a special guest about their favorite

starter bacon,

side dish, and drink.

And our special guest this week is Roshin.

Every week, we have a special ingredient, and if the special ingredient gets mentioned by a guest, the guest gets removed from the restaurant.

Uh, right now, uh, quite frankly, it's like the genie mentioned the special ingredient because he has been removed from the restaurant.

Rosheen, don't look at the screen.

I'm going to hold up a sign of the secret ingredient.

So, close your eyes.

Okay.

You're good, Roshine.

You can open your eyes again now.

Right, James, shall we crack on?

Yes, let's welcome Roshine Polity to the Dream Restaurant.

Hey!

Yeah!

She's here.

Roshine, how are you doing?

I'm doing so well.

I'm so proud of us for plowing on because this has been pretty spicy.

You look like you're in a hostage situation.

I don't know what...

Are you in a bin?

It looks like you're sitting in a bin.

Oh, oh, this.

Oh, yeah.

I'm Oscar the Grouch.

Yeah, I'm going to see the top of it.

It looks like you're doing a bit and you stood in a bin.

And I was like, oh, ended a bin with a tash.

Right.

Rosheen, welcome to the restaurant.

We are going to plow on diligently, like you say.

Here we go.

So are you?

Don't cry, Roshine.

I'm here, mate.

This is it.

Rosheen, I'll be honest with you, and this will sound mean.

If you cry, it'll be hilarious.

I don't want you to cry,

but it would be the perfect ending to this episode.

If you cry, then we'll go offline.

Full sobs.

Do you want full sobs

or just

a gentle flow?

Yeah, whatever you think is the most awkward principle.

Lodge into that.

Roshine, it's a question we ask straight away.

Are you a foodie?

Yes, I am, proudly, since

1984 or 205 is when I realised that I was in the top tier of foodies.

What happened in 84, 85 that made you realise that?

I had five servings of cake and custard at school dinners.

Was that because Live Aid was on?

Live Aid was on in 85, wasn't it?

It was because of that.

It was because they had a cake that they hadn't had for a while.

And I thought, they're not going to have this for a while.

And I went up four or five times.

And I thought, I like food more than other people.

what was the cake do you remember what the cake was coconut sponge cake you know with the custard

and the jam and the jam on top yeah

oh yeah that sounds good james means that that's when that's

here james being genuinely sincere is just that sounds good nothing to follow it up with no human just that sounds good he's imagining the cake it made me feel like i'd gone up to him in a hotel bar and told him i'm sorry

So

I feel like we should crack on with the menu in hand, James.

Do you want to kick off the ordering process?

Oh,

sparkling, please.

What?

I just thought it would be funnier to leave it.

It's really funny because every time there's a silence, Roshine assumes that the whole thing's gone offline and her eyes panic wildly.

I like sparkling water because I like fizzy drinks, and so I like to get a sparkling water.

Sparkling water makes you feel like you're out.

I think a water feels a bit sort of

you're not getting involved, really.

You're just having a water.

You're not going to sort of get in, you're not in, you're not out for a party, you know.

List your top three fizzy drinks now.

Coca-Cola

is the king of the drinks.

And Fanta and then

7-Up.

Are they all the Coca-Cola Company?

I haven't got that long there.

I've got no idea, James.

You seem to be more across the corporations than I am.

I just buy for the label.

Fanta is the Coca-Cola Company.

I know that for a fact.

But yeah,

I really, really...

So I thought someone.

Okay.

I thought someone said WhatsApp dude, but if they didn't, it was to someone, one of you guys.

So I'm looking at my phone thinking, she's got a load of family there

roche relax no one's watching anymore no one's watching this this is just a chat i'm a big fizzy drinker i've got better now i at least have the ones without sugar but i i would say half of my personality is from coca-cola i really notice it when i haven't had it half of your personality yeah like there's a real drop in in sort of sort of verb

I don't have a lot going.

If I haven't had a Coca-Cola in a couple of days, it's very, well, it's very flat.

How much Coca-Cola are you drinking on a daily basis?

Listen, is this an intervention?

Yes.

I've got better, but a lot, really.

I used to, when I was a kid, I used to buy, you're too young, but they used to sell super, super-sized Cokes.

And I used to drink a whole one of those at lunch, which are like the size of like a tenant's beer.

It was like 10 or 11.

Terrible pair of what, like a big can?

You just, as a kid, just standing there with a massive can.

Did you have a roly as well?

If I could have got my hands on one, I would have.

But I remember, and I'd open it at break and have a bit and then put it in my locker and then have the rest of it during the day.

Do you drink it flat out of your locker?

In a brown bag?

In a brown paper bag?

Yeah, because I wasn't allowed coke.

It would be in a brown bag.

You weren't allowed to bring it home in school.

Did you have your packed lunch in a bindle?

A what?

A bindle?

Yeah, that's like a tramp stick, you know, like a cartoon.

Great word.

I've never heard that word.

Thanks, you can use it.

Pop dumps or bread.

Pop dubs or bread, Rosheen.

Pop dubs or bread.

Hello.

We've got to plow on.

I'm sweating.

I've got the sweats.

Like I'm on stage.

And they're going off, off, off.

And I'm like, gotta get peed.

James James shouted, Dobs or

bread.

Darts or bread?

Darts or bread.

Okay.

I'm going to go pop a doms.

They compliment.

They don't try and gazump.

They know they're just that they're just greeters.

They don't try and get into the party.

Bread.

Bread shows up.

dressed to the nines.

It wants in.

It causes trouble, but it comes dressed as a friend.

I'm sick of a providence.

Thank you.

So you want,

you think bread's a bit of a bully.

It pretends it's a friend, but really it's just trying to take over your life.

Bread's one of those things.

It's like

it acts like it's just doing no harm.

It's sort of just a bit of bread.

They throw it down.

Like, this is bread.

What's the big deal?

Like a drugs video.

And then you're like, you know, 20 bowls into it.

And you're like, I can't eat anything.

It's just terrible.

You should not get involved with bread at dinner it's mad the maddest thing ever takes it you know then you always forget about it oh bread my own friend and then destroy your food and the pop-a-dom is is quite a meek meek character would you say pop-a-dom is it gets you going it's not trying to finish you off

but it presents itself as a course yes so it kind of is a bit more open and honest it's like look i look like a meal i've got my own dips and everything.

Exactly.

And it's saying, I'm just here to sort of do this thing.

It's not, yeah, it's not trying to pretend it's not there and cause trouble.

Also, the dips, the dips are finite.

So I always find if I've got a load of poppadoms and I finish one of the dips, I know I've probably had too many poppadoms.

Yeah.

I don't deal with the dips.

I have my poppadoms neat.

You go dry, do you?

Yeah,

10 poppadoms.

Hold the dips.

The dips add a different story.

If you're going to say poppadom with dips or bread, dips add a whole other, you're getting involved in some,

you know, you're throwing some texts about, you're getting involved in things.

You can't pretend it's an innocent, an innocent not meal.

It's sort of getting into the territory.

It's bordering on starter.

But if you're not having dips, your mouth must be arid.

I've got sparkling water and Coca-Cola.

Are you listening?

You must be slamming that sparkling water.

just

basically an urn full of ashes.

That's what people say about my mouth.

She's got a mouth very urn full of ashes.

I actually think that's the best justification for popadoms we've ever had.

Can you mod?

Are you just encouraging me because I'm sweating so much with fear?

No, we can't.

And also, we can't see the sweat, Roche.

Don't worry about it.

Can you tell that I'm sweating, Roche?

I'm sweating so much.

I'm James.

All I'm thinking of you is a little flying thing.

I really like the idea

of you flying sort of round, but no one can see you.

It makes me feel comforted.

Yes, well, that's exactly what's happened then.

Imagine that, we'll all feel better.

We come to your starter, Roshine, which you hopefully haven't ruined by putting tips with your poppa dumps.

Okay.

What is your dream starter?

My dream starter is very plain,

halloumi.

On its own.

No!

Coriander and tomatoes and lemon.

And mango chutney and lime pickle.

And poppa doves.

And poppa doves, yeah.

I think it's one of them, it's a starter that you know you can order it.

If you're really hungry, it will it does that thing of going, oh I probably will eat a starter and it will just fill you up, but it's tasty, but it's also not going to infect the main meal with

a different mood.

You've got to protect your moods at dinner.

You know, each meal is like a little mood, and you can't just go around acting psychotic.

You need to know what mood you want.

Halloumi is a straight-down-the-line starter.

It's not a, I don't like starters that are small versions of a meal.

That's not a starter.

I'd say that's exactly what a starter is.

A small version of a proper meal?

Mini-meal.

No, come on, mate.

Set it straight.

Set it straight, Roshi.

Chaos.

You can't have pasta as a starter.

You can't have meat, really, I would say.

You can have a prawn, you can have a bit of cheese, and you can have leaves.

And then you have to.

So you're saying no pasta as a starter, no meat?

No.

What is your problem with Italian people?

They do lovely, lovely manes.

Okay, you can have, I'll add a caveat.

Like a smoked meat, you can have.

But you're going with.

with i i think halloumi is an excellent choice thank you

don't let it bother you

should not be mini meals it shouldn't be mini meals they should not be they should have that they should have their own dance card they should not come dressing for dinner

Your main issue at the moment seems to be food, dressing, as another things.

Well, not dressing as other things, but like not being...

It's like having a

having its own brand like a starter should feel like oh it's that's what you have at a starter otherwise it's chaos why not have cake for a starter i mean i would but i i respect the medium

so i'm gonna i'm gonna take i'm gonna take you to task on this you're saying halloumi is a starter i would see it more as a side i think you're bringing a side in to be your starter

I think

sides and starters, I'm willing to, if we're going to make a deal here, I am willing to speak to my lawyers and say that I think sides and starters can be interchangeable.

So you could have a chip.

You could have chips as a starter.

Your calamari can be both.

Your halloumi can be both.

Prawns, maybe prawns, not both.

She's got you.

She's got you.

They can be.

They can be interchangeable.

And sometimes your best meals are just a whole range of starters and sides, if they are proper starters, as opposed to mini dinners.

I am completely behind halloumi as a starter.

How many slices are you having?

Because I have never never once opened a pack of halloumi and not eaten the whole block.

I think four.

I like it to be in the shape of the cross.

With the

presence, it's very easy to present in a nice way as well if you're making it at home.

But in restaurants, it always looks

just as safe.

There's no, especially when we're giggling and traveling.

So I'd have four slices, no more than that.

After that, you're going into rubber land.

Rubberland, yeah.

Roshine, when you put the halloumi in the shape of the cross, what hymn do you sing?

Um

when you eat your hallouni.

I'll sing

probably,

I can't think little donkey, maybe.

Not one of the big ones.

Just one of the little ones, just sort of so it's all a bit peaceful.

But donkey's a good hymn.

It's about a donkey.

Yeah, and it's not too religious either, is it?

No, you don't want to to do that while you're eating, that gets really weird, and we'll just upset loads of people.

So, I was like, I'm not, I'm not

even being like, I blew with the ship on cross, don't care, Edge Lord.

I just mean I like the shape of a four.

You don't want to start going into rubberland, do you?

No, not rubberland.

That's the thing.

Some foods you get like people,

three bits, and you're like, They're still good.

Fourth bit, and you're like, I'm good to go now.

They've gone all rubbery.

What?

No, I'm like, I knew what rubber land meant.

And then you said, food is like people.

You have three bits.

It's okay.

And then a fourth bit.

What people are you having three bits of?

And then a fourth bit?

Well, because certain people you can have lots of and you go, it's fine.

I could eat them all day metaphorically.

You can be them.

And then other people, you're like, oh, they're great, but they're olives.

You want to sprinkle them on.

You don't want to have them around

more than you would have olives.

You don't have a bowl of olives.

You have a couple.

You have a handful.

You like olives.

You just don't need them full time in your bowl.

Yes, okay.

So I'm gonna, I didn't think I'd bring this up this soon.

I would say the same for pesto.

There's only a certain amount of pesto I could eat spread out in a big bowl of pasta.

I certainly couldn't, for example, Rochine, eat pesto out of the jar with a spoon.

You could if you were drunk and you were in Edinburgh and you had no food and you're with a giant man who was bullying you into making a pasta dish that you don't know how to make.

So just for listeners who might not have caught the Greg Davis episode, he ratted Rochine out for eating pesto from the jar with a spoon.

Pair of us, not on my own.

It was neat and it was, and we were listening to Dolly Parton and it was two o'clock in the morning and we were going to cook.

We were living, there was loads of us living in a flat.

We were not, you know, and then everyone hadn't come back and we thought people were going to bring us food and they didn't.

And then we just set the pesto neat.

The problem is with that is that I don't think there's any story that you can tell that will justify it.

I've had a meal with you, James.

Do you remember that time?

Yep.

Yep, we've had had a lovely meal, but you didn't pull out a jar of pesto and eat it neat in front of me.

No, but we had no knives and forks and we ripped fish.

Oh, yes, we did.

The first time I met Rosheen, yeah, we had a memorable dining experience.

We had a gig and we were staying in the same hotel.

And after the gig, we realised we were both starving.

And so we went to a fish and chip shop, got fish and chips, got back to the hotel, realised we didn't have any cutlery, so we sat down and just ate it with our raw, our bare hands.

And it was, I still think it's probably the greasiest meal I've ever had and I ate it with my hands like it was more greasy than most fish and chips.

And hotel is a very complimentary way of saying where we were staying because they're the bathrooms weren't part just about the bathrooms weren't part of the rooms so there was like separate you had to like share the bathrooms with other residents they were like little tiny little dorms and James is so gentle such a gentleman he said because we knew there was no windows they're like cupboards and James was like

in our my room we ate this stinky fish with our hands yeah I don't eat well in Scotland even though they are very good food.

But yeah, I've had the pesto and the fish and chips were both in Scotland.

How much of the pesto did you eat?

How much of the jar did you get through it?

It started off, it was like one of those things where we're like, We can't do this, and then it was done, and we don't both sort of remember.

We were sort of like, No, we'll have a bite.

And then it was sort of like looking for crackers, looking for bread, looking, and then we just for the worst of it was like because we're like brother and sister.

By the end, it was genuinely like you take a bite, because it was like passing it back to each other and taking a bite, you have a bite, I'll have a bite, so that we both

made sure we got our fair share

of me

i i wouldn't consider eating pesto from the jar necessarily i think there are things you can eat direct from the jar peanut butter yes yep nutella yes is there anything else There's a YouTube video of a guy eating an entire jar of Nutella.

He eats the whole thing in one go and it's all sped up.

And then at the end, he says to the camber, I ate a whole jar of Nutella today what did you do

well that is reframing a bad thing very well and I

imagine if Rosine watched that video on the day she ate a jar of pesto

what did you do oh I ate a jar of pesto

this has no effect on me

I shared a jar of pesto with my friend Greg.

We pass it back and forth like a brother and sister.

You know, like the traditional brother and sister thing.

It is a traditional sort of thing where it's like we both knew it was disgusting, but we were so hungry.

It was Edinburgh.

We were emotionally bereft.

It was late.

Rod Gilbert hadn't brought us back chips like he said he would.

We were just sad.

We just had to eat what was there.

But it's uh, yeah, I mean, it was pretty dark to wake up the next day, and I think it was like Lloyd Lenford, like, anyone see the pesto?

We're like,

that reflects that reflects badly on Lloyd that he woke up and his first thought in the morning was where's the pesto I think I've had more conversations of Lloyd saying is there bacon where's bacon than any other thing I've ever known about

at one point I think he was like being sponsored it was he likes bacon more than more than anyone I've ever known.

Oh, he's just very disrespectful to the police and just kept on saying it to you when you're out and about.

Do you smell bacon, Roshi?

I always smell bacon.

Halumi as your starter.

Your main course is roast chicken.

I thought for a second there,

when you said roast, when you were halfway through saying roast, I thought you were just going to say your own name as the main course.

Myself,

once you know, roast chicken.

I mean, it's the best dish of all the dishes

because you can take it anywhere.

If you want to take a roast chicken out in winter, you put some potatoes around it.

You want to take it out in the summer, you put some colesaw, you put some green salad around it.

A roast chicken is a friend.

When you say you want to take it out, do you mean like out and about?

Not in the clubs.

I don't mean to put a friend to a bit.

That is the only place not to order a roast chicken is in the clubs.

But it's a sort of wherever you are in the world especially if you just need your food to be like i need to have a nice meal i think a roast chicken is it's very tasty but it also

it you can you can you can create a thousand meals from it and so that's my favorite of all the i'll always try and build from the roast chicken okay well yes uh i would definitely order i would definitely order roast chicken in a club why

If it was available, imagine standing in the middle of the dance floor and everyone else has got like a gin and tonic and stuff.

And then a waiter brings you a full roast chicken.

My friend saw her first boyfriend recently and

he was eating a whole chicken in the street but talking to a penny

eating a chicken like he was like he was sipping a drink.

So he was like, have you been?

Yeah, have you been sitting in his public chicken?

He was addressing her thought, yeah, I suppose.

How much meat can you hold in the street?

You can eat a wing, maybe?

Same with fruit.

I went mango in the street and I got a lot of looks.

Like people were like, whoa, whoa, do you think you're eating an apple?

It's like mango.

You can't eat that.

A whole chicken in the street.

I really, I would have loved to have seen that.

That's when you realise you made the right decision about the relationship when you see them eating the roast chicken in the middle of the street like a king.

Yeah.

He was on a holiday with us once where I was in Corfu and it's a food story.

I haven't gone mad.

And I was in, was it Corfu?

And this guy came to the table the waiter he's very nice we went to this restaurant every night and then Cefalonia we were in Cefalonia and then he said um you haven't had kefalonia pie you haven't had my pie my mum makes it every night and i was like and then he was like oh my god he said it's the best it's the greatest pie like

it's the greatest thing you'll eat and he had not let me down i've been there for two weeks not a not a bad meal he came out i'll go with the pie i think well why not And what he puts in front of me, I'm not that fussy an easy.

Like, I'll sort of give anything a go, bar, bread, and butt pudding.

We'll get to that.

But like, I put it in my mouth, and every part of my body went into, like, no, like, you can't, I can't swallow it.

I can't do it.

And my friend Kim was so, she's like, because we'd never was like, you better eat that pie.

And I was like, what should we do?

His mum's made it.

Just like a row at the table about me and the pie, about what I was going to do.

And because they put me under so much stress, I had to tip it into my new handbag.

Yeah, that was my worst food thing.

What was in the pie?

Can you remember?

It was horror.

Like, and it was just the,

it was,

it was the worst thing I'd ever, but it was just jazz, but not good.

It was like really bad.

Like, my brain was not, it was danger.

I ate danger.

I knew it was dangerous.

Whatever it was.

What did you do with your bag afterwards?

I couldn't throw it out.

They were to give it to these cats.

They're all the Kefalonia cats.

On the way home, like spilling this pie out of the bag.

um

but the worst one he having to compliment him he was like you like the pie and then he taught me more it was really awful i bet it completely ruined the roast chicken you brought out with you

yeah

if i mean i love a roast chicken you won't get a bet you can't beat a roast chicken and if you feel down cook a roast chicken I've been doing a lot of lockdown roast chickens.

They're great.

Obviously, if you're not veggie, roast chicken, some potatoes, it's nice.

It's a nice meal.

Guess how many chickens Ed had at one point during lockdown?

How many chickens have you had during lockdown, Ed?

And they had at any one time at one point.

Just guess how many chickens he had.

It's not, it's a difficult guess because I'll tell the story in a sec.

I'm going to say three.

That would be a lot, wouldn't it?

That would be too much, I think, three, would just say, say the number first, Ed, and then tell the story.

No, because it's not in whole chickens, is it?

So I'm going to have to add up the parts.

So what happened was I was using a food delivery service that normally deliver to restaurants, but have pivoted to delivering to houses

during the lockdown.

So I thought, great.

The problem is it's still, the way I navigated it wasn't ideal.

And I didn't look at a lot of the descriptions for what I was ordering.

I just saw chicken and pressed order.

And I accidentally ordered five kilograms of chicken thighs.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

The problem is they also brought 12 chicken supremes and a whole chicken.

The guy looked so confused as well, because you have to put in a restaurant name because that's part of the app.

So it just said Ed's place on the box.

Oh my God.

How much?

And how much have you eaten?

Well, I put a lot in the freezer.

Um, and we had uh two friends who live nearby during their government-sanctioned walk walk past the front path, and I left them a big bag of chicken.

Oh, God,

didn't know that bit.

I didn't know that little detail.

Yeah, but I'm not going to keep all that.

I don't need all that chicken.

Other people needed the chicken, so I needed to get rid of the chicken.

Oh, good luck.

You can't go out, so I can't take a roast chicken out, can I?

No, no, no.

It's very nice of you, don't get me wrong, but

what a thing to see.

If anyone saw that,

just a bag of chicken.

Yeah, I felt like I was doing a drug deal.

Yeah, like a really weird.

I suppose if it carries on like this, that will be the kind of deals we're doing.

I'll bring you a woman for a spud sort of thing.

Roast chicken is your main, yeah, and Ed argues a side dish for your starter.

So, what is your actual side dish with this roast chicken?

Okay,

so in the winter, up till April, I'm going to go roast potatoes, red cabbage, broccoli, very traditional,

and really great gravy, like a red wine gravy.

After April, you want all the salads.

You don't want to commit to anyone.

You want all of them around the plates.

It's just a load of colour, but the king is still the roast chicken.

Everyone else is just a guest that he's playing.

So I like that you're dividing your side dishes by the tax year.

Yes, of course.

Everyone's got to pay their tax.

When you say all the salads,

can you start listing them, please?

Okay, so I'm going to first of all, can we do a Greek salad is a safe intro salad for people not familiar with a salad.

You sort of leaves, red onion,

olives.

Then I'm going to go like a red cabbage whole store, like the one you get in kebab shops, which they should sell in shops and they don't.

And it's infuriating.

It's a lovely, lovely dish.

Do you get the juicy pepper with that?

The ones being up, the light green ones.

They're so good.

I'd have something.

I'd have some potato salad, mess for 80s, but I'd have it there as an option.

And I'd have

avocado, pineapple pesto salad.

I'm very sweet corned.

I'd have like a Tex-Mex salad.

I'd go, I think,

you should make it all so you can have like five different sort of meals based off that one chicken.

What you've done here is you've lulled us into a false sense of security because your start has been hallowed-y, simple.

Main course, roast chicken, simple side dish, a thousand different things.

If it's one side dish, if you want me to go one, I'm gonna say roast potatoes.

I think roast chicken and roast potatoes is the most comforting of foods, and it is like it levels you out.

It's the tea of food.

oh man

brilliant if someone said to me

a podcast guest in the future will say roast chicken roast potatoes is the tea of food i in one guess i'd say rosi and connected yep

that's definitely what rochine would say that's the branded roast potatoes for the first time the other day what james you're 40

yeah i've never made them before you never had them or you never made them?

Oh, I've had them.

Oh, my God.

Imagine if you'd never had roast potatoes.

What am I?

I've had the tea of food before, but like,

I hadn't made them before.

Oh, I see.

And how did you

do?

What was your technique?

So, I followed a thing I found online and I boiled them first so they were

soft but not done.

Then I put them in the pan with, or to put them in the tray with olive oil, salt and pepper, squashed them all, then put them in, then put them in.

No one was expecting that.

Roshin's face.

Look at that face.

That face was bad.

Because I tell you what, me and Roshin were thinking you were going down the standard route.

Parboil, shake them a little bit in the pan

in hot fat.

whack them in the oven.

No one was expecting the squash.

That sounded like a rage cook.

Halfway through, you decided they needed to be taught a lesson.

Squash them, kick the shit out of the cooker, put them on.

Why did you squash them, mate?

It's said to do it.

So if you squash them all,

you get more crispy bits because they get all...

So it squashes them.

At the outside, there was more crispy stuff, little bits of crispiness.

And they were very nice like that.

Was this recipe from the Incredible Hulks website?

Yes.

Were they like potato

then like flat no no no i didn't go mad that you just give them a little squash with a like a like a spatula right push down on them so you squash them all a little bit so they they they they they're like bursting at the seams but not smashed so they're not like they're kind of like puffing out their jackets a bit and then you put them in and then uh roast them up once the mash king always the mash king yeah i've got to mash them yeah what's happened here is you've not made roast potatoes, you've made flat hot mash.

Yeah.

You turn them when you're cooking them.

No.

Oh, interesting.

It's not interesting.

It's fucking rubbish.

Didn't know that was the

rule.

I mean, halfway through, I put the broccoli in with them.

You don't know.

You put your parsnips and your carrots in, the broccoli.

Yeah, yeah, I just chucked the broccoli in.

And I looked up a best best work.

We had some broccoli in the end of using up and I was like, Mackenzie, give me that, give me that, give me my phone.

I had a little look and it said most of broccoli, had a nice recipe for it.

So I put it in with it.

Well, first of all, I tossed the broccoli when it was still raw with like olive oil and lemon juice and salt.

Then I put it I put it in the

same tray as the potatoes.

And when it came out, I put the broccoli in a separate bowl and covered it in parmesan and pepper and tossed it around in there.

And that was very nice.

And also, I should add, that just before my squashed roast potatoes were done, I chucked some chopped up spring onions on top of them.

Nice.

James Ulbian,

I'm sold on the squashed roast potatoes and the roast broccoli.

Sounds genuinely nice.

Don't forget we're doing this for Cosmic Shambles Stay at Home Festival.

It's to raise money for performers and artists who have lost their livelihood during this difficult time.

If you go to cosmicshambles.com forward slash stay at home, you can leave a tip in the jar, and there should be a link on the video that you're watching now as well.

We would love you to chuck in a little bit, and that will go to some people who really need it.

Now, let's crack on with the menu.

We're coming to your drink now.

You said you liked fizzy drinks earlier.

Yeah.

I'm going to crack open one of my own.

Can you hear that?

It gives me a feeling that noise.

Like it's list of

the smell of the cinema.

I'm like, like, oh, someone's got a fizzy drink.

Love it.

This is my favourite fizzy drink.

What is it?

My girlfriend ordered it for me the other day as a surprise.

I'm extremely excited.

24 cans of it.

Corston Press.

Are you familiar with Corston Press?

Yes, lovely.

Rhubarb, Corston Press.

Not rhubarb.

No.

Yep, the rhubarb one's my favourite.

I hate rhubarb.

Oh,

when I die, bury me with Corston Press.

Corston Press is lovely.

I like that.

Rhubarb.

My mum, my whole life, makes rhubarb crumble and then pretends that we've not had the conversation where I told her I don't like rhubarb.

It's really, it's like, it's really dark, actually.

What have you got against rhubarb, mate?

It tastes awful.

It's like a bitch.

Point stick.

It's disgusting.

It has no bliss point.

No one can enjoy that.

It's a vegetable disguised as something.

It's horrible.

I hate it.

You are so suspicious of food dressing up as other things, yet again.

Yes, it's awful.

And in a crumble, it is dressed up.

It looks innocent.

Oh, apple crumble.

And then you get into this like

swamp food, this disgusting bitter

hellscape taste.

You're just like, ah.

Does it creep you out that it makes a sound when it grows?

I knew there was something wrong with it.

It makes a sound when it grows.

So

they force grow rhubarb.

They force grow it.

What a beauty.

No wonder it's in a foul foul mood.

They grow it in the dark, so it grows quicker because it's growing to try and find the light, but there is no light for it to find.

And it's growing so quickly that if you listen to it

when it's growing indoors, it's creaking.

You can hear that's how quickly it's growing.

That's the saddest thing I've heard in a while.

I've got PMT, and that has broken me.

That is a horror story.

I'm strolling down to the orchard via the rhubarb patch.

Open a catacoster Press, pour it down the hatch.

I can't believe poor rhubarb.

What a tale.

And I'm judging it for not being a nice god.

You don't, you never know people's stories.

I like it.

I'm drinking it down and I love it.

I really like Costum Press.

They could do it with a few more bubbles.

No, I like the fact there's not many bubbles in it and I love the rhubarb taste.

When I die, bury me with Costa Press.

James had a beer before we started recording.

He's the only person I know who's whimsical enough to drink a full beer and then go back to soft fizzy drinks.

I love Cost and Press, Ed.

I love it.

We're not even being sponsored by it.

They haven't sent us any freebies.

I love Coston Press so much.

This is not the first time I've sung these songs.

I'll sing them around the flat all the time.

I love it.

Your drink, Roshi.

My drink would be, because I don't drink alcohol anymore.

So that's all changed.

So I'm probably, if I'm, if I'm trying not to look like a child and it's a very posh restaurant I'll order something like

you know elder flower soda water and elder flower

sort of thing hair in my eye damn it and if I'm talking with my real friends

I'm gonna go I'll probably order a couple of drinks like a coca-cola sparkling water and lime and a tap water I like three in front of me at all times a flight

oh yeah exactly I like um I like I like a little selection of drinks a mesa of drinks I think we can I think we can let you have three soft drinks if you're not having alcohol.

I think you can have a flight, a flight of soft.

Perfect for me.

And then I can sort of mix around them with the courses and work out what goes with what.

So what are you going for?

Coke, right, and fanta?

Coke, elder flour, and like a water, just a straight water.

If I could see, it'd be easier.

Hold on, let me just...

Sorry.

By number two, James.

But yeah, kind of just straight.

What's the weirdest?

I might go for, occasionally I'll go for it.

Oh, a non-alcoholic non-alcoholic beer as well.

We've discovered those lately.

They're quite good if you don't want to get into conversation about not drinking.

People just think you're drunk because they talk so fast.

So suddenly, a drink disguised as another drink is okay in your book, is it?

Oh, he got you.

He's got you now.

Okay, I've been waiting and I got you.

Yes, I think that's my only one.

Not only one, but yeah, having a non-alcoholic beer, I think sometimes if you're out and it just, it just eases everyone else around you if you're not drinking, it just makes everyone like rather than saying you're not drinking, you're not drinking.

Carston, casting, cast and press.

You ask me if I want work, I'll say, Yeah,

James, you could do, you could really do some jingles.

Yeah, I could do some jingles.

I'm trying to use this for that at the moment.

Hopefully, I'm gonna get some jingle work off the bat.

You're doing really great jingle work.

Is that what it's called?

Yes,

yeah, I think it's called jingle work.

James, if we if we threw some product at you now, do you think you could come up with jingles straight off the bat?

Well, it depends.

I could try to, yeah, but you know, bearing in mind I love Cost and Press, so that's how I'm able to do it.

What about bats?

Because they've had a really bad press because of everything.

So if you have to read to do bats, how are you going to make that?

It's flying in the air.

It's a little bad.

It's a skinny little bat.

It is not bad.

It landed on my shoulder.

It told me a secret.

It said, I'm a nice bat.

Come to my house.

So we went to his house.

And what was in the house?

It was a lovely mouse.

It was married to a mouse.

Bats and mice.

That is very nice.

And they had some babies and they were called bice.

Oh, that was great.

Really good, actually.

I really like that he lived with a mouse because my big television idea.

Bearing in mind, you have a very successful sitcom already, Roshine.

This is your big television idea.

It's called Animals Meeting Animals.

And it's just animals who wouldn't have met other animals.

And we just watched them meet

four hours on a Sunday.

If you're hungover and you just watch a horse meet an owl, you watch a donkey meet a fish, you just watch, you bring them to places that they wouldn't have met.

And a mouse meeting a bat.

Yes, I want to get up for that.

Thanks.

A donkey meeting a fish.

No, maybe not a fish, but like a dolphin.

Also,

you gave examples of animals that could quite possibly meet.

A horse meeting an owl.

That completely makes sense.

Being in the same meeting each other, probably.

Okay, a rabbit meeting a

goat but like meeting each other.

That's still that's still gonna happen.

A bear meeting a

bear meeting a sheep.

Yeah sheep's dead.

The end of that episode is that the sheep is absolutely dead and the bear is destroyed.

The problem why I haven't actually made this show is because I because of the death.

You're gonna have a bunch of dolphins pushing around a donkey corpse in the water, just passing a donkey between themselves as it floats slowly on the top of the the surface.

A tiger meeting a...

I feel like I've gone into a pitch meeting and it's gone really quick.

Yeah, but you stop, stop, stop naming predators.

Stop going, a tiger.

Learn from the bear thing.

Okay, a bear.

No, not a bear.

Okay, a rabbit meeting a lamb.

That sounds nice.

Right.

That doesn't sound nice, yeah.

But they could meet in the field, though.

Yeah, but we haven't seen it.

I haven't seen it.

I presume they do meet.

I'm just saying, let's capture this.

Let's see them meet and see them going.

I just want to see the first time a lamb's like, what's that?

Would you do a voiceover for it?

Oh, yeah, free.

As long as I could be there for the, for the big, for the big guns, you know, like for your heavyweight animals meeting each other, like a bear meeting

all sets of bears, a gorilla and a bear.

Oh, my God, they've never met.

No, yeah, but that'd be a horrible fight.

No, no, you don't let them fight.

They would fight.

You put a thing in between them but you just let them see each other

a glass room a glass wall and then you see the gorilla go like you look sort of hard but you're not a gorilla and a bear's like what is with this guy but wouldn't they both just start smacking the glass and like beating their paws and fists to a bloody pulp it's better than he senders i've watched that all day So Roshine, your idea for a TV show is a zoo.

No, not a zoo.

They only meet for a minute.

They meet for a a little bit.

It's a meet and greet.

And then they're back to their respective homes.

There's no living there.

They have to just meet quickly, say hello.

A lamb meeting a gorilla.

No, the lamb's dead.

This is Tom.

Tom is a 17-year-old gorilla.

This is Lucy.

She's a three-week old lamb.

This is Tom seeing her.

Oh, Tom's running towards her.

Cut.

That's it.

James, can you do the theme music for this show?

Yep.

Oh, okay.

Tom and Lissy, they are getting busy.

Tom is a gorilla and Lissy's a missy little lamb.

They're in a field.

Tom won't yield and Lissy is dead.

It's that time of year again, back to school season.

And Instacart knows that the only thing harder than getting back into the swing of things is getting all the back-to-school supplies, snacks, and essentials you need.

So here's your reminder to make your life a little easier this season.

Shop favorites from Staples, Best Buy, and Costco all delivered through Instacart so that you can get some time back and do whatever it is that you need to get your life back on track.

Instacart, we're here.

And we come to your dessert.

My favorite course.

This might be spicy.

Uh-oh, I will have no problem shutting my laptop if you say what I think you're going to say.

A cup of tea at a Kit Kat.

A cup of tea and a Kit Kat?

I'm fine with that.

I'll have that.

A cup of tea, it's the roast chicken of drinks.

It is.

And sometimes at dinner, you have a lovely meal, and then you think, now I've got to go into the whole other world of desserts.

I love a dessert, don't get me wrong.

But sometimes at dinner, really nice, a lovely meal, and you think, you know what, I really would like a cup of tea and a Kit Kat.

Or like a bowl of tea, so they make it like something new and like Kit Kat spits around the side.

That's what you want.

A cup of tea and a Kit Kat.

What kind of Kit Kat is it?

Your traditional four fingers, but maybe give a six because you know you like to feel a bit sick after dessert to know that because you're going to pay seven pounds for it and you know how much Kit Kat costs.

I think about it a lot.

Why can't I just get

now?

Where do you stand on the Kit Kat chunky?

Because I would argue it is superior to the Kit Kat.

Uh-oh.

No, it's fine, it's a it's good, it's a fine bar of chocolate.

But the Kit Kat itself is, um, I think it's a perfect, uh, sort of sweet thing.

It's there's no, you don't add any more to it.

It's brilliant.

It's a perfect thing.

And especially the way it, when you add it with a tea, you know, when you

yeah, I think with tea, there's it's the nicest dessert.

It's such a comforting dessert.

Oh, that's exactly what I need.

I don't need a massive cake or a bowl of ice cream or whatever.

Are you dipping it in your tea or are you taking a bite of the Kit Kat and a swig of the tea or a swig of the tea and then you're putting the Kit Kat in somehow?

Imagine that.

No, don't do that, Bruce.

Too like did it someone's already made a meme out of it i'm gonna dip i think put the kit kat in um also i quite like because it makes people very decadent putting the whole four fingers in the cup and then just biting it well so you don't break off the kit kat finger by finger you just bite it like a big like you're biting someone's hand say i was in a work thing or say i was like in a normal with people i'd eat the kit kit if i'm treating it as a dessert i'll eat it like a cake so i'll dip the four fingers yeah and then bite it nothing but respect for that thank you absolutely the best way to eat a kit kat in my opinion a four-finger kit kat is just to eat it like one slab and and bite it like that across the different fingers is great you feel like a king you feel like look at me

yeah i went through a real phase of kit kats on trains getting them from the train buffet car and they keep them in the fridge and i was normally hungover for some reason i'd be traveling back from a gig or traveling back from uni or something and they kept them in the fridge and a cold four-finger kit kat is the perfect hangover cure i like room temperature chocolate.

Interesting.

I'm not against room temperature chocolate but a cold dairy milk or a cold Kit Kat I'd argue is better than a room a room temp dairy milk.

I've got a side of red on this one.

I think a cold dairy milk potentially but other than I think sometimes it takes too long for the flavor to melt.

Whereas when it's room temperature, you get the chocolate hit straight away.

And I'm all about getting as much of the hit.

Now, Roshin, I need to bring this.

I need to bring this up.

I've been getting into it during lockdown.

Have you ever had a Tony's Choco Lonely bar?

No.

What is it?

I'll tell you what, it's perfect.

I'm actually like, chocolate on the market.

I ordered every flavor the other day, and it came in a big box.

I've gone through them in a week.

The other day, I was eating some Tony's Chocolate Lonely, and out loud, with a mouthful, said, I don't know how they do it.

Where do you get this?

The internet.

You know what?

You know what else you can get on the internet?

Go on.

Carston to Carsten, Carston,

Down and get rid of my stress.

Tony's Chocolate Only is the best chocolate on the market.

What does it consist of?

What's it doing?

What's its vibes?

So it's very chunky.

You break it off.

It's not in regular squares.

It's all like crazy paving.

So you just snap it off and you might get a big bit.

You might get a small bit.

But they do an amazing milk one.

They do a good dark one.

But they do a salted pretzel one.

They do a salted caramel one they do a honey almond one it is phenomenal ed i've got to be honest with you right we've been you've brought this up on a text group that we're on yeah and you and a couple of members of the text group were waxing lyrical about tony's chocolate only and how much you love it

and i was suspiciously silent during it because although i like tony's chocolate only i do not get why you're all so excited about it for me it's not it doesn't really stand apart from the others i hate to say it because i do like eating it and i don't want them to think i don't like their product because i do.

But

you're like Road to Damascus.

Yeah, I'm evangelical about Tony's Chocolate Lonely.

I think it is the best chocolate out there.

It's better than anything.

And I'm sorry, James, it's better than Whitaker's.

Whita, what?

Right, well, both of those responses make me want to shut my laptop.

I cannot believe that Ed said it in the first place.

I can't believe that Roshi doesn't know what Whitaker's is.

Whitaker's is the best chocolate in the world, Roshi.

It's from New Zealand.

Two seasons.

Absolutely delicious.

Every single type of Whitaker's makes me head over heels in love with chocolate all over again.

But it is very different.

I guess

you're either a Whitaker's boy or a Chocolate Lonely aholic, right?

Because they're very different chocolates.

I like Whitaker's, but it's a softer thing.

Yes, it's softer.

Yes.

Chocolate Lonely is solid.

They both sound great.

I'm going to order both of them.

I'm a big, I've got, I like, chocolate is a real friend.

Yeah.

What do you think of all the different flavor Kit Kats that came out over the years?

Mint, orange, the peanut chunky, peanut butter chunky, all those ones.

The orange was good.

The orange is actually a good move.

But the rest I just felt they

I think a lot of chocolate now isn't as good as the stuff, oh my gosh, it makes you sound mad, but like invented, like, they haven't messed with the Kit Kats.

Like so many of the other chocolate bars taste different because they've had to like take sugar down or you know, because they want to make them smaller and it just feels like they're um I don't know, it's not right.

Same with like crisps, you know, they just don't taste sometimes you're like, oh, they've taken all the salt out, like, it just doesn't taste like what it did.

But Kit Kats just feel timeless, but the newer version of them tastes a bit, I don't know, a bit more synthetic.

I mean, I'll eat them.

I'll eat whatever's there.

I'll eat any old chocolate.

I think that's a great dessert.

I think restaurants are genuinely missing a trip by not offering that as a combo.

I think you're right.

Oh, my God.

I'm so pleased.

We've not asked any questions about the cup of tea.

We've asked all our questions about the Kit Kat.

We've not asked any questions about the cup of tea and how you're having that.

Because you're the first person, I think, on the podcast who has actually chosen a cup of tea correctly, if I'm wrong, Ed.

It's a huge part of the dessert.

I think it tells you that it's time for feeding time is over.

Tea, I am,

so if I was making tea, I eat tea bag, hot water, and the main thing for me is you keep it moving.

You don't leave tea sitting there.

You keep it moving.

Then you don't have any weird tanning, but you have to keep it moving so it's not brittle and you don't get any weird, but it needs to be strong.

And then you put the milk in.

Everything else,

you don't put milk in to

it's madness.

The tea needs hot water.

You don't put milk in first.

It's wild, wild.

So you just put, but the main thing I see is people leaving it brew, and tea doesn't brew, it just sort of stagnates.

You have to keep it fresh, keep it moving the whole time.

So I like it like a, and I'm funny about cups, so I'd have it in.

Okay, okay, we're doing it.

A thin rim,

like a thin-rimmed mug.

I like the tea to be thick, but the cup to be thin.

Yeah.

Quite

hot, but not burning.

And a good tea bag, like a Yorkshire tea bag, not PG tips.

Sorry, PG tips.

And yeah,

and I'd also, a friend of mine, she told me that she's got a pint cup because she always wants more tea than she makes.

And the morning is the only thing I'm going to get.

And she has that, because she's like, of course, you want more tea than a cup of tea in the morning.

You want a pint of tea.

And so that's the thing I'm looking into at the moment.

Yeah, of course you are.

After your whatever your Coca-Cola tenants cans you used to have.

So now

you want a pint of tea.

Of course you do.

Why don't we have pints of tea?

Why?

We made pots.

We go, let's have a pot of tea.

And you go, we could just have bigger cups like we did with a beer.

Now, I'm probably going to upset some more listeners, like when I said I didn't like Yorkshire puddings.

I don't like tea.

Whoa.

Okay.

I don't, well, I don't drink it.

If someone said, here's your only drink you can have and it was a cup of tea, I'd be like, fine, I'll have it.

But I don't drink it.

I couldn't tell you the last time I had a cup of tea.

So what do you have in in the morning then?

How do you know you're alive?

Coffee.

Coffee is too aggressive.

A wake-up.

It's not.

Tea is.

Moch, Moch, wake up, Moosh, wake up.

Coffee.

Fuck out of bed.

Yeah,

that's what I need.

I need every single nerve in my body tingling and I need to be doing a horrible shit within an hour of being awake.

Then you should have a tea.

You should have a tea first.

And then it just gives you a little bit of a gentle, it's a gentle sort of start.

It says, You ready for a coffee?

I'll have a coffee now.

I had it in my bottle, it's really awful.

No wonder I'm half mad.

Um, but my mum, we went to Ireland a few years ago,

my cousin had a baby.

Um,

my mum was like, Do you want to put tea?

We're awful.

She was like,

She was like, Oh, we all did.

And you know, 80s, everyone just said, I was like, I had a tea in my bottle.

I was like,

You've explained so much.

So, it's a very what's the thinking behind giving a baby a cup of tea?

What can go wrong with a hot, milky, caffeine-duck baby?

Joe, what my mum mum and dad used to put in my baby bottle.

Oh, yeah.

What?

Carston, Carsten, Carston Press.

I'm a little baby, yeah.

Drinking from the bread, yes.

Hang on, you said it was from the bottle.

Are you now suggesting that your mum could

produce Corston Press?

That's why I love it.

Yeah, clearly.

Yep.

That's what, I guess that's what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Well, that's going to...

I'm going to get a horrible text soon about that.

I'm going to get one about the tea.

It was the

people smoked in the hospitals.

I don't know why I'm getting that.

They used to put your mum in the dark, didn't they?

And if you open the door, you could hear her creaking.

I can't tell a lie.

That's what happened.

I'm going to read your order back to you now, Roshin.

See how you feel about it.

You said you would like sparkling water, then popadons with none of the dips.

You would like halloumi with some coriander tomatoes as your starter.

Your main torch is roast chicken.

Your side dish is roast potatoes.

Your drink was a flight of soft drinks.

And your dessert, cup of tea and a Kit Katie.

How are you feeling about that?

I think it makes me suck.

I've never eaten in a restaurant.

I It sounds like I've just tried to guess what I would get in a restaurant.

I'm like, I can't catch them a tea in a bowl.

Like, I'm,

it sounds like the menu that someone who's pretending to be a human has got, I imagine this is pretty fancy.

Some of these things.

It doesn't sound like someone who's travelled a lot.

Be very upset with that meal, if I'm on it.

And if you like, we could serve the tea in a baby bottle.

Oh, I mean, that is a whole other thing for restaurants anyway.

Why don't they do that?

They serve all the other stuff, weird stuff.

Roshine, that was a brilliant menu.

Thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

We've had a lot of fun, and hopefully, everyone at home enjoyed it despite technical issues.

Thank you so much for having me, and it was a real treat.

It was really nice to see you guys.

You're not down to hear you, James, even though I know you were just your little tinker bell, James, flying around, drinking your coffee.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Well, there we have it, the off-menu menu of Rosheen Connerty.

I hope you enjoyed it despite technical hitches and sound issues.

We tried our hardest, Benito worked his damnedest, and I think it was a good menu and a good episode in the end, James.

Yeah, do you know what?

We made the best of a bad situation.

Everyone really pulled together.

Spirit of the Blitz.

I think it was a good episode.

I think it was the best episode we've ever done.

James has called it best ep ever.

I actually think roast chicken being the tea of food is one of my favorite descriptions of a dish ever.

Absolutely.

I mean as you said at some point it was like we really were talking to an alien who didn't know what food was.

A marvellous episode and James calling someone else an alien despite having an alien-like aura about him and also saying he cooked roast potatoes for the first time and squashed them.

Well, a lot of people have stuck up for me about that.

How do you know?

My mum texted me and told me that you guys do not know what you're talking about.

So thank you very much for listening.

Rosheen did not say carob.

Well done, Rosheen.

Although she might have said it, and we just didn't pick it up because of the poor connection.

It might have been

roast chicken and carob, and it just cut out just at that point.

Yeah.

So get out the restaurant then.

Thank you for listening.

If you want to donate some more money, chuck a tip in the jar if you enjoyed it.

Even if you just want to stick a quid in, if you can, that would be great.

Go to cosmicshambles.com forward slash stay at home.

We will be back next Wednesday with another regular episode recorded in a studio environment and edited.

And you can hear it.

Yes.

Goodbye.

Farewell.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah, and we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, the 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true.

Saturday, the 13th of September.

At King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.