Ep 60: Emily V Gordon

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

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Excuse me, I found a hare in my podcast.

Welcome to the Off-Menu Podcast.

Ed Gamble there with another great opening.

Thank you very much for the compliment, James A.

Caster.

My pleasure.

How are you doing?

I'm very well, thank you.

I can't wait to ask our guests what their favourite ever starter main course dessert, side dish, and drink are.

What I really like about these intros is quite often I'll just try and get them into just a chatty, sort of relaxing chat, and you're all business.

This is our chat.

It's our chat all the time.

You just get straight to the format.

Yes, we have a very special guest, and we're going to be asking them their dream meal.

And the special guest this week is Emily Gordon.

Emily Gordon is a screenwriter.

You may know her work from The Big Sick.

Oscar nominated, thank you very much for screenwriting.

Oh, hello.

Someone's good at their job.

What's the best original screenplay?

She wrote The Big Sick with Kamale Nangiani, who was also in The Big Sick, and is her husband.

There is a secret ingredient though, James.

The secret ingredient, and we will chuck her out of the restaurant if she says this, is charcoal.

Charcoal.

It's a gimmick.

It's an Instagram gimmick.

It's an Instagram gimmick.

Instagram.

That's what he said.

Oh, yeah, I did say that.

I realized it.

It's this special costume you can buy to instantly turn you into a Gran.

Yeah, I'm an Instagram.

I hate it when people buy those black ice creams and then take photos of them and they're like, haha, look, it's like, it doesn't taste of anything.

It doesn't taste of anything.

It's not a flavor.

And it doesn't even look that nice.

It's just weird that your ice cream's black.

But that's it.

Also, you've got black teeth.

Black teeth are drinks.

You can buy drinks with charcoal in.

You can buy like water bottles with a charcoal filter.

It's all nonsense.

And so help me, God, Emily.

You know, she lives in LA, mate.

Yeah.

We're really laying a trap here.

Where's a film?

We're not playing softball.

So hopefully, Emily will not say charcoal because you know she's come a long way.

She's come a long way just to do this.

Yes.

So fingers crossed.

This will feel quite bad, actually.

Here's the off-menu menu.

Have a Emily Gordon.

Welcome, Emily, to the Dream Restaurant.

Oh, what happened?

Welcome, Emily Gordon.

Should we leave?

What's happening?

Hi.

Big surprise.

This is the genie waiter, aka James A.

Castor.

Good to see you.

I've been expecting you since we opened this restaurant 500 years ago.

Oh, there's more backstory.

That is more backstory to the restaurant we've ever had.

Yes, that's what it started.

500 years ago.

And who was coming to the restaurant back then?

Jafar.

Just Jafar.

Jafar.

Always, always bread.

If you're wondering?

Just the basket so he doesn't have to pay?

Always at the beginning, we always give people the choice.

Always pick bread.

And crackers for Iago, of course.

Yes, because the little crackers for Iago.

The parrot.

That parrot was always grumpy.

He just wanted crackers.

He just wanted crackers.

That was all he wanted.

Have you ever seen a parrot eat a cracker?

I was just wondering this exact thing.

I have no idea if they actually eat crackers or not.

Yeah.

Do they?

Wow.

Is that a different podcast?

Polly want a cracker, right?

Polly wants a crack.

Polly want a cracker is a big part of all of our lives.

Is that a thing that parrots have said out loud?

I mean,

who originated that?

Well, I guess I'm assuming someone taught that to a parrot rather than a parrot was like,

Polly want a cracker.

And then people are like, parrots can talk and they love crackers.

So I'll teach them to request the thing that I have extra of.

Yeah, yeah.

That must be it.

It's somebody who had loads of crackers.

Yeah.

It can't be it.

It must have been that they taught it to say it because it's easy for them.

Is it easy for them to say?

Polly want a cracker.

Polly want a cracker.

Polly's quite hard, isn't it?

Polly tells.

Polly tells.

You have to name your parent Polly, which feels like another step.

Yeah, it's another thing.

It's got to be called Polly.

It's got to want a cracker.

Cracker feels like it's easier to say with a beak than Polly is.

Yep, sure.

Just that feels right.

I've never done this this early in the podcast, but I'm imagining I've got a beak.

Yeah.

And cracker seems easier than poly.

Yes, absolutely.

Cracker does seem easier than poly.

Yeah.

I would rather, if I was a, if I was like a parrot,

I'd rather be called like, you know, Coco or Kiki.

And that sounds similar to cracker, which is also easier for everybody involved.

I also feel like parrots would want to eat like a fruit.

Yeah.

Like crackers are not native foods to their...

They're so dry.

They're so dry.

Yeah.

They're so dry.

It is just because it's easy for them to say, right?

Probably.

It must be that.

They don't actually.

They're going to like a lasagna or something

if you're a parrot.

Polly want a lasagna.

Yeah, probably want a lasagna.

Lasagna just Garfield.

They love lasagna so much.

Oh, that guy couldn't get enough lasagna.

I mean, I get it.

It's really good.

It is good, but not every week.

Yeah.

Here's a question, Early Dawes, for you.

Because I always thought the lasagna in Garfield looked like the best lasagna.

Is there like a cartoon food you can think of that you've seen in a particular cartoon?

And I'm putting you on the spot here.

Great question.

anything you've seen in a film or a

comic strip or anything that you've gone that looks so tasty i want that version of it i think the food in video games often looks when i was a kid like a double dragon anything that's like where you like hit a trash can and like a full turkey like

or like a pizza or a burger i was always like that looks good i always thought that would be delicious and it'd be like what a great thing to just have like oh i'll just have a whole burger fall out of this trash can and I'll just munch down at it but I generally think cartoons everybody when people are going to sleep in cartoons that is the coziest sleep I can possibly imagine yeah but I think that like there was a do you guys know the show the critic John Lovitz's cartoon no

it was like from the 90s and it was like a send-up of the entertainment industry and at the beginning in the opening credits he would like curl up and go to sleep and I was like yeah that feels nice yeah

straight to sleep cartoon courage yeah that's what it is yeah they're not fretting about how they don't go to enough museums

That's what I do.

But you've got the video game trash can turkey.

Yeah, that's what I want.

I want, here's what I want, because you've never asked this question before, James, and I do have the answer ready to go.

Yes.

Studio Ghibli films are the best food.

I was thinking that.

I was thinking that

Spirited Away banned.

Yeah, the Spirited Away.

Calcifer isn't Spirited Away with the...

pan with the fried breakfast

and the bacon looks amazing and the eggs look amazing just all bubbling away and the the fire is going to be i mean it will do bad things to you.

You shouldn't eat that food.

You'll turn into a pig person.

That's huge.

Yes, that's spoiler alert.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But that's worth it, right?

But that looks so good.

When they turn into pig people or when they're eating all that food, I think, even though I know that now, I will still eat all that food and turn into a pig person.

You're completely right.

The dumplings are huge.

Yeah.

Would you then say, Eddie Wana Dumpling?

Yeah.

Say Eddie Won a dumpling.

Eddie Wana Dumplum.

When you were a pig.

Difficult to say when you're a pig.

Imagine yourself with a snout.

I'm imagining it.

I've still got the beak as well.

Things have gone really weird.

They always have one tooth, I feel like.

When pigs in cartoons always have like one tooth.

Yeah, just on the side, just the chewing.

Yeah, yeah.

Little stray tooth.

God, that's a great movie.

We always start with still or sparkled in water.

The choice.

Tap.

Always tap.

Man of the people.

No, I usually go, I'll go sparkling or tap.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you have, now, do you have a brand of water that you like the best?

Sparkling or like a brand of.

Well, let's say you're out and about.

You're going around.

There's a lot of bottled water in LA.

More so than anywhere else I've noticed.

Yeah, we like water.

Yeah.

If you're going into, you know, a gas station or a corner store.

Oh, very good, James.

American.

A bodega.

A bodega?

Well done.

There you go.

Yeah, yeah.

If you're in New York.

Cool.

I think I tend to go Fiji.

But that square bottle, if you're then getting into a car, makes life very difficult for cup holders.

Oh, okay.

I thought you were talking about going into the car.

Get in.

It's hard.

I'm doing an act out that means nothing to you.

But I would say probably Fiji.

And not for any real brand.

It's just there.

It's usually there.

I think the bottle, the Fiji bottle,

it just looks clearer and cleaner.

Yes.

I don't think I've seen a bottle of Fiji.

Can you describe it?

It's square.

It's square.

It's a square bottle.

It's a square.

So it has this kind of like

the outside, they do a fading kind of a gradient of blue on it.

So it's like a deep blue through to a lighter blue on the outside.

This guy knows his water.

It looks inviting.

It looks refreshing.

I also find if it's like a really cheap brand of water bottle, and like in America you'd have like a deer park.

I can taste the plastic.

Do you know that thing where it's like this particular bottle here in this room looks like a nice thick plastic, but if it's too thin of a plastic,

I feel like it's bleeding into the flavor of the water okay i feel like i might be wrong but but even even so just the fact that you feel like it is oh yeah that's all it takes for me to be like never never in my life

this tastes like plastic yeah and fiji does not to me what you think about canned water

i feel strange i have it's weird isn't it it's a weird

boxed water oh yeah that's a big thing everybody likes to give out now in la is like oh it's boxed water it's better and they're like so proud of themselves

it's a box it's fine like we're all but like you don't need to congratulate yourself that hard you know like nobody was looking for an innovation in that industry but I think some of them are more recyclable or somehow that's like the advantage of them yes and then I know Jaden Smith yes of the Will and Jada yes

have he has like his own water company now that you'll sometimes get that at like an event like his own water company I don't know if I would want fresh fresh water with Bel Air

At what point do you get to a stage in your career where you're like, I think it's time I started a water company?

As much as I want to make fun of him, he apparently is doing it.

Like, he gives away water in areas like Michigan, Flint, Michigan, like places.

Apparently, it's like more of a charitable company and places will buy it because he then gives that money back to give it away to other people.

It's apparently a lovely thing that he's doing.

But I'm still going to make fun of it because it's a box of water.

And one of my favorite things.

I think it's Jaden Smith.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's very funny to make fun of Jaden Smith.

Yeah.

Also, he's seen what happens after Earth if we if we don't start looking after the environment.

He was in that film, wasn't he?

And After Earth is not.

Are you in McKarate Kid?

Wasn't he in the Karate Kid remake?

Yeah, he was.

Yeah, that's it.

It's not post-apocalyptic as far as I'm aware.

But After Earth, oh, if the world's like that, if we don't look after it, we're going to need to start doing some stuff because that movie's stunk.

M-Night Shamaran.

M-Night Shamalan, right?

If the post-apocalyptic world looks like an M-Night Shamalan film, that's a disaster.

We're all in trouble.

We're all in trouble.

That should inspire you to action.

But he'll show up and save everyone because that's his role in all of his movies, M-Night specifically.

He's always like,

don't worry, I got it.

Hello.

Poplums or bread.

Poplums off bread, Emily.

Poplums are bread.

I'm going to go Brett.

I'm going to go Brett.

Okay.

Oh, we've got a farm in our hands.

You're not a very good waiter, if I may be honest.

You're not a very good one.

No one's ever called him.

500 GS no complaints.

So I could say he's really wrong.

Very aggressive.

I need some time.

Can I have both?

Oh,

let's hear it.

I mean, they both are cooked.

You don't know.

You don't know what you're going to want on the day, but I feel like I don't usually crave papadoms, but once they're not in my vision, maybe I would.

But

I'm going to say bread overall.

Yeah.

Is there a certain type of bread you like?

Or is there a specific place you got some of your bread?

I don't really like talking about this.

But I've been

listening to podcasts.

I've been avoiding gluten for a couple of months.

Avoiding.

I'm not in a place where I'm like, I can't eat gluten.

I don't turn, but it just keeps me from eating bread constantly.

If it's not available, then I, so I guess I would say the styrofoam mash that is gluten-free bread.

That's what you're because you avoid bread.

You're avoiding bread.

I'm avoiding gluten bread, yes.

But can you feel the benefits of avoiding it?

Here's what is a bummer.

I've stopped, I've been avoiding gluten and refined sugar and dairy, but I don't really eat that much dairy anyway.

And I have like a lot more energy.

I wish it wasn't true.

It's really annoying when you're angry, isn't it?

And you can actually see the benefit of it.

I didn't want to do it.

And I was like, I'll try it.

And then I, yeah, it feels great.

I hate it.

I love bread so much, but I do.

If I eat bread, I'm like, I think I feel a bit depressed after it.

I think you're getting sick.

Do I have a cold?

Even if we got love makes me sad.

Yeah.

I mean, that is...

That's right.

And so the key to life is just avoiding the things that you love.

Yeah, the things that you love.

And then you just kind of feel better in general.

And I'm never happy, but I'm also never sad.

You're never sad either.

So that's the thing, right?

Hey, you either pay to go on the roller coaster or you stand around watching the roller coaster going, yeah, some of that would have been pretty bad.

Right?

And hoping people drop change out of their pockets that you can pick up.

Yeah, there aren't normally this early in an episode that you say something existentially destructive, James.

But that roller coaster thing really bummed me out just then.

Yeah, that's what life is.

Everything I love makes me sad.

Everything I love makes me sad.

Yeah, I'm not going to argue with you whatsoever.

And sometimes I want to feel sad.

Yeah, sure.

That's what sometimes I just get at McDonald's because I'm just leaning into some sadness.

There's self-harm.

There's some self-harm in that.

Yeah, for sure.

Just go for it.

Feeling sad anyway.

Yeah,

McDonald's.

We got a bag of carrot sticks.

Oh, James's McDonald's order is carrot sticks.

How are the carrot sticks there?

I've never had them.

Divine.

You know, they fry them in beef fat, right?

There's no way that they're not like, we'll just pour a little on.

That's what our customers have come to love from us.

Yeah.

It's all clown fingers and stuff.

It's not good for you.

They are good, though.

Well, they're just carrot sticks.

I mean, basically, I only go to McDonald's.

very late, you know, late at night when there's no options.

And

if I'm sober, which often I am because I'm coming back from a gig, I feel too guilty for my last minute of the day to be an actual McDonald's.

And so I go in and I get a grilled chicken wrap.

Oh, God.

A Diet Coke.

And some carrot sticks.

That is the worst McDonald's worst crap ever.

Yep.

I'm surprised you've not been beaten up in a McDonald's.

I should have been beaten up by now.

He should have refused to serve you.

Yeah.

Imagine being beaten up by a Grimer.

Which one's Grimer?

Is he the...

Grimis.

Grimace, Grimer.

His name is Grimer.

Who's Grimer, then?

He's from the NMC.

He's not a McDonald's person.

Grimace.

Grimes.

That's an even funnier name.

That's just a facial expression.

That's some cartoon food I like.

Yeah.

The cartoon food.

The McDonald's food.

That's right.

It actually looks pretty similar to the actual McDonald's food for the most part, though.

Yes.

Yeah, which is helpful.

I like how the fries are

quite springy.

In the drawings.

Yeah.

Very yellow.

Very yellow.

Yeah, yeah.

And have a lot, they kind of fan out.

You know, when they're coming out of the box, they can't.

In a way that they never do.

Yeah, they're always.

I really like watching,

this goes for any fast food restaurant, the big shovel, the fry shovel

that is like wide at the end, and then it's got the funnel towards it.

And when they put it in the packet, I love watching that happen.

Would you like to use that?

I'd love to.

That would be fun to do.

I'd love to use the fry shovel funnel.

You would love to use the shovel funnel?

Do you think that you could get that from this podcast?

Do you think that's something you could do?

Oh, that's a good shout.

Yeah.

We could probably get it.

Most things.

If we mention like a gadget, sometimes people get in contact and offer us one.

I mean, the height of privilege is,

can I pretend to work at your

restaurant for like an hour?

I love it.

I don't have the experience of what it's like to be like a normal person.

Use a fry shovel, please.

Hand it over.

Oh, it's so funny.

It's like undercover boss, but I can't offer them anything at the end.

That's right.

Undercover guy.

Undercover customer.

What an ending to the episode.

They sit down.

I've got a confession to make.

I was undercover the whole time.

Oh, man.

Are you going to give me...

No, no, I'm not the boss.

I was undercover.

I have a podcast.

I don't know what we were talking about.

I just wanted to use the fry shovel.

Yeah.

I was wanting to sit you down and say thank you for letting me use the fry shovel so frequently.

You know, I thought it was weird that you loved it so much.

Yeah,

I don't mean to work it.

Anyway.

Anyway, I have to go.

I'm going to return to my happy life now.

They might have that on Amazon, don't you think?

They might have a fry shovel.

I don't know if that's what you would use.

I don't know what I'd use it for, though, because in my day-to-day life,

I'm not making sort of large quantities of fries.

Do you have a cat?

Maybe a cat litter scoop?

Oh, yeah.

Maybe I should get a cat.

That's actually the best reason they can make a cat.

Scooping it in with a fry shovel or a cat litter.

Like, look how it fans out.

Also,

is that awesome?

It's just like the cartoon.

Are you picturing all the shits going into the bin and then frying out

fries?

100%.

It's exactly.

In a McDonald's cup.

Yeah, if you think it's a cup of money.

Fanned out.

Wow.

What happened?

I don't know how we got there, really.

We're talking about bread.

Are we talking about bread?

Yeah, obviously.

Things that make you happy.

Yeah.

But do you like...

So you've chosen the gluten-free bread.

Yes.

But is that because it is the best bed you've ever had and you want it in your dream meal?

You're, I mean, you're right.

If I'm going to go dream meal and it's like a fuck you situation, I'm probably not going to, I'm probably not going to do that.

I'm probably going to go with like a brioche, like a something, or like just something, like a well-baked bread that has like a little olive oil on the side.

Yeah.

That's probably what I'm going to go with.

If it's like apocalypse, I call them apocalypse foods, like stuff that like we're all going to die.

So let's just eat what we want force in our damn lives.

But I'm trying to, but gluten-free bread is not bad.

Some of it.

Yeah, yeah.

But most of it.

Is that a particular brand of gluten-free bread that you'd recommend to all the non-gluties out there?

I don't know if it's.

There's one in America called Canyon Bakehouse.

It's pretty good.

Shout out to Canyon Bakehouse.

Shout out to Canyon Bake House.

Guess who's about to get a load of free Canyon Bakehouse?

Oh, it would be a dream.

It would be a dream.

Thanks, guys.

So we come to your starter.

We're entered into the big leagues now.

Big league.

The big boys.

The big boys now.

Is this something that makes you happy or something that makes you feel fine?

These are all the ones that make me happy, I'll say.

There's a restaurant in Los Angeles called Night Market Song.

There's several Night Market restaurants, but Night Market Song is like the new hip one that opened

kind of on our side of town.

And they have a crispy rice salad.

I think the official, I'm going to butcher it, it's Nam Khao Ta Tod.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

I did a great job with the Thai.

And it originally has like pork and stuff in it.

And it's not that I don't eat pork, but the gluten, like the vegan option is so much better.

Right.

So the vegan crispy rice salad at night market song is like dream starter dream and this is something so you've how long has it been open for this place um i'd say maybe like two years at this point okay yeah and did you go like early doors were you know early

it got very uh very popular and now it is very popular and it's really really hard to get in and so i find that you can just like call in an order for pickup and go grab it oh nice which is what we end up doing a lot of the time but uh the what you have to do is as soon as you sit down you have to order it immediately because they run out a lot so you sit down order like two, maybe three orders, depending on how many people are there.

It's very spicy.

It's like a crispy, it's like, it's basically like rice krispies, but in like a Thai salad with like lime juice, and it's ridiculously good.

What do they replace the pork with for the vegan options?

I actually, I think they just don't have the pork.

I think so.

And I just like, for some reason, it gums it up.

I don't know.

I like it kind of being a light item.

And what I also love about that restaurant is that every single time you go, it's different levels of spice.

so you actually can't you can kind of request what you want but like that's how you know they're they're like putting their heart and soul into it every day because it's not like well this is always this spicy like one day you'll go and it will tear your face in half and then the next time you go and you're like okay I got it I can do this that's a nice like roulette every time

every single time yeah

also you saying about ordering food at the Thai place showing up eating it and then immediately leaving.

You know what that reminds me of?

Are we going to talk about it?

Are we going to talk about it?

It's fun to talk about that.

Are we allowed?

Yeah.

Go for it.

Me and Emily went to a Thai restaurant.

Yeah.

And there was a table that had a meal on it, but no one was sitting there.

Right.

As soon as but basically,

empty table, and then they put the plate down.

And as soon as they put the plate down, Eddie Izzard walked to the door, walked up to the table, ate the food, walked out again.

It wasn't the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life.

Apropo, like, he must live nearby.

He must live nearby.

I don't know.

That's baller.

It was absolutely brilliant.

And it wasn't that I was like, we weren't noticing like, oh, there's a plate of food there and no one's eating it.

It was that we watched him walk in.

He's at his heart, so you're going to watch him.

So he just arrived.

He just arrived.

He walked in and sat, and all of us were like, and there's already a meal there.

And then he just ate it very quickly.

At one point, he was standing and eating.

Yeah.

And then he left without paying.

And then he left.

Who knows?

Maybe

we can see him pay.

He must have an arrangement with that, right?

But he obviously had to.

He obviously paid for it somehow at some point.

But we didn't see anything.

He's probably got a tab.

He's got a tab.

Yeah, he calls ahead and he's like, I want my meal on my table.

So he can just eat standing up and he's straight out again.

Good, eat it, leave.

Small place as well.

It wasn't a big restaurant.

I think we were all like, Does everybody see this?

Is it just using it?

Because nobody was really reacting to it.

And we weren't either.

We were playing it very cool.

Yes.

But as soon as he left, we were...

Did you all just watch him in silence, eat that food, and then leave it?

Honestly, it was like hard to focus on whatever we were talking about.

It wasn't that important, whatever it was.

Yeah, we had to like fake a conversation while taking it in turns to play lookout and be like, what's it?

What's this odd doing now?

He's standing up and eating it.

We need to get him on the podcast and ask him.

What happened?

Yeah.

I have a thing of like, if there's something going on, but you still have to maintain a conversation, I just start talking about Batman.

It's just like a thing I've done.

Because there's always something to talk about with Batman.

Always.

Sure, there is, yes.

And so it's my go-to, like,

like, if I start talking about Batman to Kamal, he'll be like, is something racist happening behind me?

Like, what's the one?

He knows that that's like a cue of like,

is there a fist fight happening that we're like, you haven't shown me yet?

Huzzah's back, isn't he?

That's incredible.

Yeah, that's strange.

That's exciting.

I have been to one of the night market restaurants in LA, but I was there by myself.

And I went, it's not a good place to go alone because they are sharing size dishes.

And I walked in and ordered a couple, and the guy was like,

are you sure about this?

Are you sure you want to be in this restaurant?

I was like, yeah, bring me two of those niches.

Bring it on.

And then I sat there and and I resolutely ate all of it.

And I've never felt worse the next morning after a meal.

You were doing it as like a fuck you to the waiter who was like, Yeah, well, he was genuinely trying to be helpful.

He was like, Are you sure you want to eat this by yourself?

And I was like, Yeah, and put some more rice on the side, actually.

Yeah.

And then really chewed through it.

And it was absolutely delicious, but very spicy and very full.

Yeah.

While you were eating it, were you shouting at Everfilt?

Oh, Love Makes Me Sad.

I was screaming, Eddie want a cracker.

Eddie want a dumpling, I think.

Eddie wanted a doublet.

But you'll find that Eddie wants a dumpling.

Anyone's crispy rice salad.

Sorry, you were very specific about that.

Polly wants a cracker, Eddie wants a dumpling.

Yeah, although from what we saw, Eddie wants some Thai food.

Eddie wants some Thai food.

Eddie wants some food.

Very delicious.

Eddie wants some Thai food and he does not want to be held up with the ordering process or the pay-in.

He knows what he wants, and he just wants what he wants.

Yeah.

I like that.

That makes me like him.

Let's be real.

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Your main course?

Okay.

Are we staying in LA for this?

No, we're going to to North Carolina.

Oh.

Which is where I'm from.

We're going to a little town called Elizabethtown, North Carolina,

which is where

YOD, James.

Are you thinking of the movie?

Yes.

No, it's nothing to do with the movie.

That movie makes me want to be sick.

Yeah.

Well, this town won't.

Well, it might.

My family goes on this lake trip every single year they have for like 65 years.

It's like this annual kind of we rent a terrible hotel.

It's not a great hotel.

And in the nearby town, there is a restaurant called Melvin's that has a thing called Melvin's Burgers.

And they are under $2 a pop.

There is a line that is, the line is very long, all day long.

It's a very, very popular restaurant.

It has been for many years, but it progresses very quickly.

And a Melvin's burger is one of the best things I've ever eaten in my life.

Great.

It's a very small burger.

It's got like, you have to get it all the way.

Kumail always does a thing where he tries to like order it special and it's like, you just don't say that, but that's okay.

Everybody forgives him, But it's like, it's got like chili, slaw, onions, like things that normally disgust me.

But somehow on this burger, it is the best thing I've ever eaten in my entire life.

What kind of a bun is it?

Just like a regular ass like grocery store bun.

Like it is, there's nothing special about any of the ingredients.

It's somehow just the way they put it together.

It's the waiting in line.

It's that you can only get it once a year,

for me at least.

The residents of Elizabethtown.

You only have that burger when you come back into the city.

Exactly.

That's the rest of the year.

They're just like, why?

Why do we have to wait for this lady to arrive before we get the burger?

But it's like, it's just, it's the thing I think about the most when I'm like, what would I, if I only had like one meal left?

I think I would want to eat one of those burgers, at least a couple of those burgers.

Is it a messy eating experience?

Oh, the messiest.

It's disgusting.

And it makes your hands smell bad.

Like, it's like, it's not good.

And you shouldn't eat it in the restaurant.

Like, we always look at people doing that and we're like, oh, amateurs.

You're supposed to get like a massive bag of them and then take them back to whence you came.

Eat them in the bath.

Or eat them in the car on the way, like a sad, yeah, on the toilet if you want.

But they're absolutely amazing.

And I was like, do you know the band of Melvins?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was a huge Melvins fan all growing up.

So when I was like 16, I took an actual photo of the front of the restaurant, Melvins, and I sent it to the Melvins, like the address that was on, this is so stupid.

That was on their CD that I had.

And I was like, hey, I love you.

Here's a photo of a restaurant that made me think of you.

And it didn't occur to me until like 20 years later how dumb that was.

But they sent me back a subpop catalog.

Wow.

And a little note was written on it that said, I love you too.

Love Buzz.

I don't think there's any way that King Buzzo, who is the lead singer of that band, actually wrote that note, but I still have that.

You think it was Buzz Light, yeah?

Buzz Aldrin.

It was probably Buzz Aldrin.

Buzz Aldrin really had a drop off after the whole moon stuff.

So he started replying to fan mail direct to King Buzzard.

You're working at subpop.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I'm working at subpop now.

The moon days are over.

Nothing else for me to do.

But I still have the catalog.

And I literally had not occurred to me until like fairly recently, like, what a stupid, what a weird little kid thing to do.

Like, send out photos.

Now, all you were doing is like proto-Twitter, because now people would do that all the time.

Just tag him?

Yeah,

you were tagging him, but you just had to put it in an envelope and send it off.

Which, to take the effort to do that is bonkers.

Yeah.

It's pretty dumb.

But the burgers are amazing.

Paid off.

You still got the catalogue.

I do still have the catalog.

And I saw him, I saw King Buzzo at a movie, not a movie theater, there's a cemetery in LA that has like puts on shows and stuff.

So I was at a concert, saw him there because his hair is huge and crazy.

And I went up to him and I meant to say it to him.

And I've not ever had this thing where I like get weird.

I got so weird and started like shaking visibly.

It's the people that I was a fan of as a child that I cannot handle talking about.

And he's an icon, right?

And he still looks like he did.

He looks back in the the day.

Amazing.

Yeah.

And so I think Camille had to be like, This is Emily.

She's a big fan.

And I was like, meer.

I think I meowed.

And then we left, and I didn't get to say anything.

You go, Burger, you're a burger man.

Burger restaurant, me, you.

In the Christopher Nolan films, he's got a deep husky voice.

It's a bit weird.

But some people might have not put it on, okay with it.

I lost it.

I was not okay.

I could not keep it together.

But long story short, that's the burger for me.

That's the

bun, slaw, like a mayoe slaw?

It's like a mayoe slaw.

It's like chopped up onions, chili.

I think there's mustard, which is not a thing I enjoy overall.

Is it?

So, has it been around your whole life?

Yes.

Who owns it?

Like, is it a family?

I think it's family-owned, yeah.

Knock King Buzz.

Knocking buzz-like.

Or a buzz-like.

That's the other thing he's doing.

What a twist all the buzzes were there.

Has it always had long lines?

Yes, my whole life.

My whole life.

Like a small little family-run business.

Whole life.

That has always had very long lines.

And then

when you go in, the idea that, like, when you go into work there, you know, you're going to be busy the entire time.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, that's a crazy thing to me.

Like, this whole day, my entire shift, I will be working non-stop.

There will not be any slow periods because we've gone all hours of the day.

We've gone, and maybe it drops off like in the non-summer months.

That could be true.

Yeah.

I'll give it that.

That might happen.

But the whole summer, anytime you're there, it's like very long lines.

Do they have a fry shovel?

I'm sure they do.

I think they have the fry basket, but then you also have to have the fry shovel.

You need the shovel and the basket, really.

I cannot confirm.

Yeah.

Same with the cat litter.

You need the basket to sieve everything out.

Yeah.

Separate you.

You don't like that, haven't you?

I do feel like I could make that work without the basket, I think.

Yeah, actually, it depends.

Yeah, it's just send me a funnel, we'll make it work.

So that's a very,

I like that as well.

I like that.

I'm imagining it now.

I'm sure that's a good idea.

Although that film is so bad.

Yeah.

Oh, I've not seen it.

Orlando Bloom.

Orlando Bloom, Cousin Dunstan.

Kiki Dunst?

I think there's a Kiki Dunsted.

Kiki Dunsted.

The Parrot.

The Parrot.

Kiki Dunst.

And

yeah,

it's one of those.

It was around that era when people were making a lot of those kind of...

It was all like, you know, guys write in female love interests.

It's like Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah.

That's the film it originated from, apparently.

That's right.

The guy who, is it Nathan?

There's a guy named the guy who originated that phrase,

which I wish it could have been a woman.

But that's okay.

I think you're right.

It did come from that movie, even though many examples before and after.

Many, many.

And during.

I was asking about Garden State today on the way here.

Yeah.

And the scene in that where she goes, I'm going to do something no one's ever done before.

And there's a really weird noise in one spot and goes, no one's ever done that.

And he's looking at her like, I'm so in love with you.

Just these magical women that don't have any inner life or thoughts.

I'm just going to take my shoes off and run in the rain.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, don't.

It's actually annoying.

I'm so in love with this woman I wrote.

And what's great is she doesn't ask me, she doesn't challenge me, except in that magical creative way.

She doesn't challenge me about how I'm a fucking asshole.

She doesn't challenge anything about my life.

She doesn't really need any room or like have her own interests, which is really great.

I can show her all my movies that I love.

She's never seen them before.

She's like a a culture sponge.

There's that famous

scene in

Big Tech when he shows in the movie.

Yes.

You.

That is very much a...

I have, as a nerdy woman who's dated nerdy men my whole life, I am consistently

having men try to get me to read The Watchmen.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, that's my whole, be like, oh my God, you'll love it.

Be like, yeah, I have read this.

I've read it.

Oh, wow.

You like horror movies too.

It's amazing.

Like, and they don't seem to understand that, like, I also like the same things that they do.

And they really, really want to be the ones to introduce me to it.

Yeah.

And I do get new stuff from every man I've been with.

I do get new pop culture items every single time.

But yeah, I really wanted, I really desperately wanted that scene in the movie because not only did it happen in our actual relationship where Camille showed me the abominable Dr.

Fibes on our first date, which I hadn't seen.

Okay.

So that's fair.

But it is this thing of like, are you going to be cool enough to handle the stuff I like?

It's like a test.

Yeah, it literally is.

Yeah.

So it's a, I love it when men test me on my taste is a line that I wish I could have written, but Zoe Xan actually improvised on the day.

And it's maybe my favorite line in the movie.

Well, that's because she was channeling you.

Yeah.

She was so

intense.

It was so playing you.

Because she has experienced it too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not just you.

Anytime I would read The Watchmen, I was reading The Watchmen on a train in Chicago when I lived in Chicago, and that's the most I've ever been hit on in public in my entire life.

Really?

Just men walking and be like,

What are you reading?

What are you reading?

It's actually, it's a really good,

do you know?

And you're like, Yeah, got it, calm down.

And you're reading, you're even reading it.

I'm literally reading it.

Have you read that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You should read The Watchman.

You should read the next page of that.

The next page is the best page, actually.

Oh, man, I love you.

When I started doing stand-up,

like, right at the beginning, there was a comic in Northampton, the neighbouring town, called Jake Moore, and I'd gig with him a lot.

And his uncle was Alan Moore.

And I would come to a lot of the gigs and draw the posters for the.

Are you kidding?

Yeah, yeah.

And we were very excited about that, obviously, all of us were.

And my friend, I've got a friend called Jake, who's not a comedian, but is a good guy, loves Alan Moore.

So I got Alan Moore to sign one of the posters, gave it to Jake, and within a week, he lost it.

Didn't know where it was.

What?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I'm still furious about it to this day.

But I said to him, what's that poster?

He went, I I don't know.

I was like,

you could care a little bit about it.

Did he care when you gave it to him?

He's kind of like, oh, cheers, man.

Cool.

Like I may as well have given him like a chocolate bar or something.

Oh, yeah, I have to do that.

I was a little hungry.

Thank you.

That is bonkers.

Yeah, he's lost it now.

So like, I'll never get that poster again.

Or someone else has that poster.

Yeah.

And it has a wild yarn about how they got it.

It was a Christmas gig one, and he'd drawn the baby Jesus,

I think, drinking in a crib.

That's so cool.

That is so cool.

Boozer did a crib.

Baby Jesus.

Pretty cool.

And also, like, ooh,

there's an Easter one.

He did a really drunk Easter bunny.

But I wasn't on that.

I like imagining every holiday mascot

being on drugs.

That's great.

It's a good time.

Also, love referring to Jesus as a holiday mascot.

Yeah.

Jesus the holiday mascot.

fair enough, yeah, he's the best one,

he's lasted the longest, it's his birthday,

he's got the best brand, he really does have, and was just a baby.

I mean,

you didn't even know the brand continued throughout his life

and after death, yeah, and after

so many holidays, he became a mascot for, but just in different phases of his life.

Come to your side, Dish.

Oh, yes, yes.

Do people ever do two?

Oh, well, pick one and then you can give an honorable munchon to another one.

Do an honorable munchon or we are open to being persuaded.

Oh, well, well, if you want to.

Let me tell you why.

The reason I added this one because I wanted to have one London item on the list.

Okay.

But my original choice was there's a dish called at Major Domo, which is a restaurant in Los Angeles.

It's David Chang's restaurant.

It's very, very good, and it's called chickpea hosan.

And it is a pasta dish that doesn't actually have pasta in it it's like chickpeas and i don't even know whatever hosan is which is and it is i like i can't uh i cannot function when i'm eating it's so i i start doing like a weird little happy dance like i can't it's just a really amazing kind of it tastes like a an amazing pasta dish and it's not important to me that it's not pasta i don't care if i'm eating pasta or not it just happens to taste like the best pasta dish i've ever had and it's like kind of savory there's like almost like a

there's almost like a miso-ish flavor but it's not, I don't think that's involved in it.

And it, it's just ridiculous.

It's a ridiculous dish.

It's so good.

I've never had any David Chang stuff and I would like to.

Similar to what you were saying, I went to Major Domo a few, like, like a week or two ago, brought my friend Jonah Ray

with me.

And then I was like, can we invite a third just so we can order more food?

Because we're going to feel like jerks if it's just the two of us.

Well, why don't you, now, from now on, you just order food for three people if it's two of you, and then just say, Eddie Azot's gonna be here in a minute

that's for Eddie and then when they turn their backs you just eat the food and you go Eddie's gone

just like he always does he's like a ghost in the night that's what we love about him yeah we actually were like concerned we were like we're gonna eat everything

yeah if we we're gonna eat all the food so we're like let's get this third person our friend Neil who's great so we can just have someone to eat the extra food but I actually didn't even order it the last time I was there because I was like I'll just house it I'll just house it so hard so I didn't even let myself have it.

That's what I like to do that with like foods I really love, especially if they're not that good for me.

I'll like deny myself.

So the next time is even better.

Yeah.

That's great.

Sure.

Because you can overdo a favorite dish.

Yeah.

And that's a sad day.

That's a sad day when you realize you've done it.

You've made it not special anymore.

Yeah.

It's like leaving your Christmas lights up.

Sure.

Yeah.

But food.

I just went to Jalupo, the gelato place in London.

I went there five days in a row once.

And then I was like, I'm going to have to stop this now.

How How have we never talked about this?

No, it was bad.

It was bad.

And they'd only opened recently and they gave me a patient for the sweet tooth on this ball.

They gave me a gold card.

They did?

Yeah.

They were like, you can have this card.

You're in here a lot.

Do you want this gold card?

Oh, that's a sad day.

And I was like, okay, cool.

And then I went back the next week and we don't do the gold cards anymore.

Oh, they gave us you because they knew they were about to do it.

It was literally like they just gave me a little package.

They never did the gold cards.

That had a tracking device in it, so they knew when you were coming.

Uh-oh, here we go.

Here it comes.

Put the clothes side up quickly.

I love it.

It's such a good place.

Christmas, I like to go there.

Christmas pudding gelato.

There's the Christmas pudding one they do, and they also do an eggnog one.

I love both of them very much.

Also, I like Christmas pudding naked bars when they do them every Christmas, which they don't always.

Actually, last Christmas, I don't know if they did them, and I got very sad.

What question do you have, Emily?

Actually, to be fair, Emily, you probably have a lot of questions, but what I just said,

why didn't they, Michael?

I don't know what I didn't do.

What's a naked bar?

Yes.

But I assume it's like a health food bar.

Yeah, it's kind of one of those.

It's like compacted dates, and then they put other things.

Cashews and stuff.

Yeah, it's not that.

You really make it sound very often.

It's compacted dates.

But then I would imagine that a very delicious dessert flavor of something that is traditionally healthy and not delicious is kind of annoying and awful.

But it's not.

Sure, but I don't think I've, I mean, I love naked bars, so therefore I have a suspicion that they're not good for me.

Everything I love makes me sad.

So like I I don't

know, I don't think that they can be.

I'm like, surely this isn't good for me.

They're very sweet.

I think they're very sweet.

I'm really loving it, so it can't be actually good for me.

The Christmas pudding one genuinely just tastes like a Christmas pudding.

That someone's just giving you a stick of Christmas pudding.

It's kind of amazing.

But like, yes, I don't believe it's good for me.

Also, very happy.

This is going back quite a way in the conversation, but that Jonah Ray got a shout out there.

Met Jonah once.

One of my favourite dining experiences with him.

And

Jonah, if you're listening, I'd like you to, if you could record yourself

doing

what we come to know as the menu bit.

It was one of my favourite little bits of waiter banter I've ever seen anyone do.

Jonah thought I was having a bit of fun with the waiter.

Where was this at the scene?

It was at

Duck and Waffle, sorry.

Duck and Waffle,

yeah.

In London.

The one in the high-rise for no reason.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

24 hours.

It was a very poor.

Myself and Nisha Krewboff.

I did the podcast.

Our responsibility was to take our American friends to somewhere hip.

That was the only criteria we were giving.

You went to Duck and Waffle?

Well, no, not at first.

We went to about 20 other places that were all shut.

Oh, yeah.

And then eventually had to go to a place we'd never been to.

You guys can't be trusted to organise anything.

Yeah, you would have done it first time.

I'm aware of that.

Just aware that you're just...

Just go ahead, I'll organise it and then you guys will.

Listen, we'll just take you instead.

You're the worst person I could be telling this to, actually, because you would have nailed it first time.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely, if you make it.

Lack of organisation.

It was cold, and we were just walking around.

And you know, when you're in your new city and you're just like, I'll just go where you guys are going.

And then you're like, where?

They don't know where they're going.

Where are we going?

We did not know.

It was really stressful.

And me and Nish kept, because we didn't really know Everly and everyone very well at the time.

So we were doing a lot of like just to ourselves, just to one side so they couldn't hear us going, we're really scrubbing this up.

This is going so bad.

They said they wanted somewhere hip.

But we don't actually live here.

Yes, I don't think we ever said we wanted somewhere hip.

We just wanted to eat

it.

He uses that kind of language.

He does.

That is absolutely correct.

He said somewhere hip and and we misunderstood what hip meant captain party my husband could be captain parties and which lived up to yeah every bit of absolutely you had that food there on the menu yeah i loved it the food was amazing it was very nice yeah but at one point the waiter came over i was like are you ready to order and jonah was holding the menu and he said uh yeah i have a question no because the waiter said any questions and jonah went yeah i have a question what is this uh what is this thing did he say any questions about the menu yeah just any questions he probably said any questions about the menu i and jonah was like yeah what is a menu what What is this?

And the guy just looked at him and went, It's just got the food on it there.

You can order the food.

And it went so bad.

Of course it did.

And after he left, Jonah was just like that.

We were all like, oh, so that menu bit went really badly just then?

And forever referred to it as the menu bit.

So if Jonah was listening, can you please record yourself doing the menu bit?

It's really, you need his voice to do it

on a future episode of Optimize.

But also, I'd like to say to our listeners, next time you're in a restaurant, maybe try the menu bit and let us know how it goes.

Film yourself sneakily doing the menu bit to someone.

So So what happens is, this is very clear, if they come along, if the waiter says, do you have any questions about the menu, you have to ask what a menu is.

And first person who gets a laugh becomes a guest on the podcast.

Wow.

Yes, Benito agrees.

Benito's very enthusiastic agreement.

So that's one of your sides.

If you'll allow me, and I need to, the Nasu Miso at Dinings SW3.

Oh.

Which is a terribly named restaurant here in London.

It's a restaurant I went to a couple days ago and they have this aubergine and clintish that is like a caramelized situation that looks like a sneeze, to be honest,

and

transported me to another world.

Wow.

I've had that in different places.

Is it like the half

shit?

And they grill it with miso on top and then it goes it goes all soft and like snot in the middle right now.

Very snotty.

Very snotty.

But it is phenomenal.

It is the tastiest thing I've eaten in quite quite some time.

Wow.

Yeah.

I've never heard of this place.

Dinings, SW is three.

I mean, of course I've not heard of this place.

When you asked me to take you to somebody over eaten London, I didn't know.

I got a slot and went to a dunk and waffle shit.

Get in the lift.

Get in the lift, we'll go up as far as possible.

You have great tastes in restaurants.

You've introduced me to a lot of really good restaurants here.

Thank you very much.

You've done a great job.

I think it's definitely improved since this podcast.

Maybe, because maybe, were you doing the podcast one?

I was, but, like, you know, I think that made me cocky that night.

So you've got those two to choose from.

So what you're going to do, I want to kind of put it in a thing where we can visualize this water world.

Okay.

And you're on like in a crow's nest situation, and there's two planks either side of it, and at the end of one of them is the Aubergine dish, at the end of the other one is the

David Chang Chu.

And

if you run to one dish, the other one will fall, and you will never get it again.

I don't know why I'm not sure.

I'd suggest, imagine you're in a dream restaurant and you only get to pick one side.

It's waterworld.

Wait, no, no, no, no, wait.

I'm in a crow's nest.

It's waterworld.

You gotta walk the plank.

Oh, I have to walk the plank.

Wait, first off, you don't walk the plank from the crow's nest.

No.

And you don't walk the plank to get a bowl of food.

I'm misremembering Waterworld.

Or just pirate lore in general.

Yes, misremembered Waterworld and maybe pirate lore.

So you're on the crow's nest.

Yeah.

And

there's a bowl of the chickpea pasta on one plank.

And there's a bowl of aubergine the nasu aubergine i'm gonna go i'm gonna go with the chickpea hosan if i have to chickpea hosan yeah so the aubergine has dropped into the sea and the sharks are all eating it

because the sharks eat it yeah they loved it

yeah they want more sharky want an aubergine that's what i'd say sharky wanted

oh bruce was the name of the shark and jaws right yeah or sharky was the name of the shark and sharky and george if you did you have sharky and george in in the states no i don't think so kind of like i think it was an american show wasn't it sharky and george before it was the crime Busters of the Sea.

Yeah.

What in the hell are you referring to?

It's a cartoon, and they solved crimes underwater.

Sharky and George, Crime Busters of the Sea.

Of the Sea.

I'm aware now it seems like we're just making up a show to try and fool you.

Yeah, that's right.

It does seem that way.

There's a lot of, I have a, I have some cartoon holes in my repertory.

Yeah, childhood cartoons.

There's a lot of stuff that Kamal will mention to me that I'm like, he's like, it was an American cartoon.

He was in Pakistan.

He saw it.

I did not see it in America.

Right.

I was watching a lot of like today's special 321 Contact, like live-action shows where mannequins become real and teach you math.

Yes.

Those were my chances.

Of course you were.

Yeah.

So really, so that'd be good if like a guy took you out on a date and wanted to impress you, show you Sharky and George.

I'd be like, oh my God, you seem so cool and connected to your childhood.

They bust crime underwater.

There's no bigger.

They can solve any mystery.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Oh god, this tattoo.

You definitely need to have a tattoo of Sharky and George if you're going to be showing me Sharky and George on it.

You would.

Where would be the best place on your body to have a Sharky and George tattoo?

Because I don't think on my arm would really work.

Out of context, that is the stupidest sentence ever.

And in context, it doesn't make that much sense.

That's right.

On my wrist.

Oh, like an inner wrist.

An inner wrist.

I'd turn around and they'd be there.

You know, most people have breathed.

Yeah.

Whatever.

You have George.

What was George?

Sharky was a shark.

George's just a small fish.

If he's just a big fish, but he named himself Sharky, that's pretty badass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's quite cool.

Yeah, that's quite cool.

Like Captain Buzzo.

Yeah.

let's give yourself a cool name.

We get it.

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The drink now.

We come to the drink.

Oh, I had a hard time with this one.

Here's what I'm going to choose.

So when I was in college,

I did not realize that drinks had calories in them.

Yes.

I didn't learn that until

a little later.

This is a big thing.

I think everyone goes through.

Is that right?

Yes.

So I would get every single day a 44 ounce cherry lime aid from a restaurant called sonic it's a chain restaurant it's like a fast food place i don't think you have them here no but their whole thing is like it's like an old-timey like drive-up it's like a like a woman comes you drive up you put the thing it's like a drive-in theater

uh you order from your car but you're like parked and like a waitress in like with cute like short shorts and roller skates comes out all i can imagine when people talk about that is the big ribs being put on the side in the flint stands and then toppling the thing.

Exactly.

That's why ribs aren't on the menu at Sonic.

Yeah.

They don't want problems.

They don't want people to tip their hands like that.

It also had a drive-in, like a drive-through, which is what I would get.

And I would drink a 44-ounce cherry lime.

Every day.

Every single day.

Like it was nothing.

Like it didn't occur to me.

It didn't occur to me that that was not a good idea.

It's just like a syrup.

It just was a cup of syrup with barrel ice, which barrel ice is a, think of your favorite ice.

Do you have favorite ice?

Favorite ice?

How are you guys doing?

Interesting.

I like a huge.

You know, when you guys like a fancy cocktail bar and they put in a huge cube of ice.

I love that.

Yeah, I like the huge cube of ice in it.

But I also like just the crushed ice.

Yes.

This is more akin to that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You could kind of crunch it.

Yeah, just a huge thing of syrup and ice.

It would slowly melt.

Nice.

I would drink 44 ounces.

You must have been buzzing all day.

And sorry to say buzz again in this book.

You must have been buzzing.

The sugar at high of that.

That's not good, but it tasted amazing.

I absolutely loved it.

And I kind of realized at some point, like, oh, this is not good.

I also was a bit of a thicker milkshake back then.

So I kind of was like, oh, this is probably not a good idea for me overall.

So at some point, I was like, I can't ever drink that again.

And I just cut it out of my life completely.

And I still miss it.

I never had a cherry lime before.

I've made like, we have a, do you have ice blasts?

No.

They're like a slushy.

Oh, okay, gotcha.

The fizzy.

Yeah.

The fizzy slushy.

Yes, we have a a version of that.

I can't think of the name of it right now, but we have a version of that.

Are they the tango one?

Are they tango?

Well, I used to work in the oak tree in Wixie Park, as we've discussed.

Yeah.

And they were just called ice blasts back then.

And I would mix the cherry and the lime one

and then add some Pepsi as well.

Wow.

Wow.

And I would just drink that all the time.

Again, thinking that...

Everything's fine.

No calories, I'm absolutely fine.

And I'd go around and help myself to the ice creams.

I've spoken about this before on the podcast, but it is one of the happiest days of my life.

I will say when I was a barista when I was 16, which is like quite some time ago, and I was a barista in a hospital,

I worked at like a coffee stand, and it would just be like bereaved old men who were like, just give me coffee.

I don't want anything fancy.

Like, they were like,

because they would be like latte and all this shit on the menu, and they would be like, why are you doing this to me?

So I just

mostly made like regular ass coffee.

But I would make a thing for myself that was like a combination of every flavored syrup that was available to me.

And I called it the Milky Way.

Just a 16-year-old just drinking every flavored syrup.

All the syrups.

And you'll just drink all the syrups with the coffee.

A little tiny bit of coffee.

Yeah.

What the hell?

The Milky Way.

Yeah.

Also, I think the character of the bereaved man who has to order a complicated coffee is one of my favourite characters that we've had on the podcast.

That's great.

It's a real, that's a sketch that really needs to see the light of day properly.

And I was supposed to push the fancy drinks on them, and I would just be like, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

No!

No, you really can't.

I don't have a choice anymore.

Please.

A lot of men who's like, also, masculinity were threatened by

options.

And this was when I was 16, so it literally was like, this is like 1995, 96.

This is a long time.

This is at the initial sort of coffee, the coffee craze.

Before Starbucks really took over as like a thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So people were just getting used to

it.

Or Or not even slightly getting used to it.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, what a character.

Can't get it out of my head.

Oh, bereaved barista?

I didn't know.

Oh,

the bereaves.

The bereaves.

You were a bereaved.

You were a bereavester.

You won!

You won!

A bereavster.

Oh, that's genius.

So, your drink is the cherry lime aid.

44 ounce.

44 ounce.

It's got to be 44 ounce from Sonic.

Sonic.

Amazing.

Great drink.

Want to try it?

Your dessert.

We are.

We're going sweet into sweet.

Isn't it Acasta Dream?

Yeah, how are you going to up the sweet from the drink?

Oh, I got you.

I've chosen, which is technically a breakfast item, but

as I've had with you, breakfast items for dessert are quite good.

Yes.

I'm choosing the Berry Bowstock,

which I will explain what that is, from a place that no longer exists in Los Angeles.

That's great, but that's the function of the dream restaurant is we can bring those things back.

And I worked really hard to keep this in my life.

So there was a restaurant called 2040 in Los Angeles that had, was like a breakfast lunch place, but it had like pastries.

And the berry bo stock was amazing.

And it's basically like a slice of like brioche bread that has like orange syrup.

like a berry jam.

There's almonds, maybe an almond syrup on it as well.

And I think it's somehow baked and then a little fried.

It's just like

a ridiculous, it's just one of the most amazing things I've ever had.

So that was, it was at 2040.

It was amazing.

2040 closed.

And as it was closing, we knew it was going to close in like a week or so.

I was like, who is your pastry chef?

And does she like, he or she work anywhere else?

And they said, oh yeah, she just is right across the street at McCall's, which is like another, it's like a butcher shop that's across the street.

I went to the butcher shop and was like, can I speak to the pastry person?

And I kind of just flattered the hell out of her and told her I loved it so much.

And she was like, well, I make stuff here, but she was like, it's not a very popular item.

But if you email me, I'll just make a bunch of them for you.

And I mean, for me to pay for like a couple days in advance.

So

for like a year and a half, I've been able to email this woman directly and be like, can I get a few?

And at first I was like, I don't mean to drop this in, but it's relevant to the story.

The first one was like, it's got to be for like a big reason, like a celebratory.

So when Camille and I were nominated for an Oscar, the first thing I did, second thing I did, was email this pastry chef and go, hey, I got nominated for an Oscar.

Can you please?

Because I was like, I got to break the seal somehow.

I want it to be, I was like, I just want a bunch, as many as you're willing to make.

And then you called Kamale and told him.

By the way, I've been nominated.

So that I got to have them that day.

And then like, then it kind of became a little looser.

She was like, literally, anytime it's not a problem to make them.

So like every few weeks,

we would put them, we would freeze some of them to keep them.

And then

two weeks ago she put a sign up in the window of the butcher's shop and she is no longer working there oh

no no so and the email address i had was the email address that she had at the butcher shop have you asked the butcher where she needs to do that i need to that's i got so upset but but will it freak her out if you go you ask the butcher where is she now and he's like oh she now works at the fishmongers or whatever and then you've got to go there and go calespeeto she comes down and she sees you and goes oh my god again

again oh jesus i've changed my name How has this happened?

I will track you down.

It's not a bad idea for a film.

Yes.

When you write it and it gets a nominated for an Oscar, what are you going to eat to celebrate?

I'll do the cherry lime at that point.

Here's a question I want to ask.

What is the food like at the Oscars?

Okay, so.

When you're there, the new thing that they do is under everyone's seat is a snack box because you have to get there at noon.

I had to get there at noon, which means you're getting ready before noon.

The show isn't until 4 or 5 p.m.

And then you're literally, you don't have a chance to eat for like, I'd say 12 hours.

Like you're just kind of sitting around.

So they very intelligently, and I forgot who sponsored it this year, or the year we went, which was 2017.

And so there's a snack box.

You open it.

It's just got literal like potato chips and like

snacks.

Yeah.

And so you're kind of like, this is so stupid.

And then like within a half an hour, you're just like shoving it into your face.

And then there's the governor's ball afterwards, which is like the event that's attached to the Oscars.

And the food is

fine.

It's like fancy people's food that's meant to appeal to everyone.

So it's kind of nothing.

Yeah.

I know exactly the sort of thing.

The winners, am I right?

That's right, because I didn't win.

Meant to appeal to everyone.

It's just fine.

No risks.

No risk at all.

Yeah.

Asparagus.

Got it.

Anyway, so the berry bow stock.

It's like a delicious.

How many would you like like for dessert?

Can I have two?

Yeah, you can have two.

Okay.

And you can have a bag of them to freeze.

Yes, that's what I really want to have.

The lady's address piped onto the top.

I would cross oceans of times to find her.

And she's always been very flattered by it.

Like, she's like, no, it's so great to have someone love something you make that much.

Yeah.

But she wasn't so flattered that she emailed you to say, I'm moving in his wrong.

That is correct.

Because I'm starting to think she's flattered by the chase.

She's probably left you some clues.

Clues, yeah.

I should go read the I actually took a photo of the sign that she left in the window of the store.

I should reread the sign and see if there's any, like, if I add up the first letter of every word,

maybe like an escape room.

She's left you some little clues.

What if she's left some little brioche breadcrumbs?

You follow the little trail and you find it.

Shout out to the fact that you were going to pick gluten-free bread because you wanted to avoid gluten and then you've had a brief pudding

and a brioche pudding.

I think that's why I wanted the gluten-free bread.

So I'm going to make some mistakes tonight, baby.

Ramp up to it.

Let's read back your order, see how you feel about it.

Your water, you would like some sparkling water.

Maybe, maybe even...

Do Fiji do sparkling water?

They don't, do they?

Anyway.

Poplums of bread, you chose gluten-free bread.

Canyon Bakehouse.

Canyon Bakehouse.

Starter, you'd like some vegan crispy rice salad from the Night Market song.

Main, you would like Melvin's burger.

Yes.

Side dish, chickpea hose-on from Mojo Domo.

Your drink, you would like a 44-ounce cherry lime main from Sonic.

And your dessert, you would like the Berry Bostock from

a lady who is on the run.

Feel happy about that order?

I feel amazing about that order.

I feel very good about that order.

It does feel pretty good, actually.

And I think we've had quite the ride.

There's been many characters along the way we've got to know.

I really feel sorry for that guy still.

The bereaves?

The guy who's talking to the bereavester.

The bereavester.

The bereavester is a great television show

that should happen.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, definitely have the bereavester.

Kamale and I had a podcast about video games for many years, and it would be a thing where Kamale would, at the end of the podcast, would be promoting, oh, I'm on this TV show, I'm on doing this, I'm doing this, and I had no credits.

So I just started making up a television show that I was on called The Flower Deranger.

But I'm a florist who is also a serial killer.

And I got people started making art for it and stuff.

And so,

yeah, Flower Deranger and

The Breaster are the two.

Everybody who's grieving.

Maybe it's the, it's a, it's the stuff before you go to hell?

Purgatory.

That's what it is.

Yeah.

That's what every program is.

Perfect.

That's what I think.

Name two.

Secret to Sharky and George.

Okay.

For one.

And Home and Live.

The film.

Thanks very much for coming into the restaurant, Emily.

You can see Emily Tuesday nights on Fox in The Barooster.

And the Flower Deranger is coming to Netflix soon.

They keep telling me.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That was the off-menu menu of Emily Gordon.

Great stuff.

Delicious stuff.

Cracking menu.

Really good.

Very good menu.

I've never really been into sugary drinks, but I'd really like to try a cherry lime made from Sonic, James.

Yeah, it sounded really nice, especially like stuff that's from people's past.

And I don't have it anymore.

I want to try that burger.

Oh, the burger.

I want to queue up for that burger.

I love a messy burger, but I would have to eat that in the shower.

Yeah.

I need to wash off straight away with things like that.

Make room for two in that shower already.

I'm coming in.

We'll eat them back to back.

Willie, back to back so we don't see any business.

Well, just so messy-wise, we won't get any of the burger on each other.

So we're standing back to back, naked in the shower,

eating the burgers.

Yeah, because otherwise, if we stand facing each other, we'll get each other's burger mess on each other.

If we stand so that, you know,

you've you've got your back to me, but I'm facing you, I'm going to get my burger on your back.

So we need to both be back to back so that we get our own burgers on our fronts and nothing more.

Yeah, that sounds good, actually.

Yeah.

We'd need quite a wide shower head to truly cover it.

Otherwise, we'd need to back-to-back and then just shuffling from side to side to make sure we get in the water.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, to alternate bites.

Yeah.

So thanks very much for listening.

Emily did not say the secret ingredient.

Charcoal.

Thank God for that because it was a very entertaining episode.

I would have hated to have to kick her out.

That would have felt bad.

James, us here at Off Menu, we have our own social accounts, don't we?

At Diabetes.

And also, the Off Menu podcast has its own at Off Menu Official on Instagram and on Twitter.

Also, thank you very much.

We've been sent some wines from Most Wanted Wines and some crisps and dips from hip chips.

Whoa, fun to say.

I noticed you tucking into the sweet hip chips.

Yep.

I love

crisps dipped in chocolate.

When Benito went to Philadelphia, he brought back some crisps dipped in chocolate for you, and I ate them all.

Yes.

And he also brought you a cap.

And I wore it.

Yes.

So I got two presents, and you got none.

Very, very nice speaking to you all.

Come back again soon where we will be welcoming another fantastic guest to the off-menu restaurant.

Don't be a stranger.

Bye-bye.

Farewell.

We get it.

It's more important than ever to get the most out of your money.

Options are key.

Options like Lyft, where you get great rewards, especially with partners like Dash Pass by DoorDash.

If you're a Dash Pass member, just link your DoorDash account and you'll get 5% off on-demand rides, 10% off scheduled rides to the airport, plus two free priority pickup upgrades every month.

New to Dash Pass?

To sign up for a three-month free trial, check Lyft.

Terms apply.

Oh, hello, it's Amy Gledhill here.

Hello, I'm Harriet Kemsley.

Single ladies, it's coming to London.

Well, we're already in London, I suppose, in a way, but we're doing a live show, aren't we?

It's true on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At 7 p.m.

at King's Place.

So we've got your Saturday night sorted.

We've done all the organising for you.

Come along, have some drinks, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, both are available.

And you can get your tickets from plursive.co.uk.

Or just head to the link in our Instagram bio and just clickity click click.

London, we're coming.