Ep 55: Natasha Leggero and Moshe Kasher

James, huge news from the world of off-menu and indeed the world of the world.

Yes.

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I have.

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The show will be on Monday, the 16th of March.

It's going to be a tasting menu, a returning guest coming back, receiving the menu of another previous guest.

Those shows have been a lot of fun.

We cannot wait to do them live.

Who will we pull out of our little magic bag?

You'll have to come along on the 16th of March to find out.

If I'm correct in thinking, presale tickets go on pre-sale on the 10th of September.

Pre-sale tickets are 10th of September at 10 a.m.

And then the general sale is 12th of September at 10 a.m.

So if you miss out on the pre-sale, don't forget general sale is only two days later.

The day in between is for reflecting.

Get your tickets from royalalberthall.com or offmenupodcast.co.uk.

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Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, the podcast so explosive that you have to prick it with a fork before you put it in the oven.

Hello, James A.

Castor.

Oh boy, are you a a sleepy little boy?

I am a sleepy little boy, but I actually thought my sausage-based intro was quite strong.

Yes, well done, Ed Campbell.

It was a good intro, but

you delivered it in a way where you were like, oh, whatever.

Oh, I'm sorry.

And that's a bad way to deliver it because it's actually a really great episode today.

Oh, it's such a great episode, Bebe, of our food podcast, where we ask our special guests, James, their favourite ever starter main course dessert, side dish, and drink.

And our guests

this week are Moshe Casha and Natasha Legero.

They are two brilliant comedians.

They are also a married couple.

They are our first couple on the podcast in the Dream Restaurant, James.

I'm so excited.

We never had two guests on at the same time before, especially two guests who know each other's eating habits so well.

They can't lie, they can't get out of things, they can't try and make themselves sound cool because the other one will be able to call them out on it.

I'm excited.

I hope they've come to the dream restaurant for a lovely, fun, romantic dinner and not an awkward arguing dinner.

Yes, yes.

Good point, good point, Ed.

However, we will, and this could be the first episode where we chuck someone out and still have someone left

in the restaurant.

That's what's quite exciting.

It's very exciting.

If they say a secret ingredient, or one of them says a secret ingredient, that we have predetermined they will be asked to leave the restaurant.

And the secret ingredient this week is tapioca.

Tapioca pearls.

And I'm fed up of you forgetting what it is and then wait for me to start saying it and then joining in, James.

It's not fair.

You're piggybacking on my memory.

I look up to you, and I follow your lead.

Tapioca pearls.

If they say tapioca pearls.

I like them.

I want to get that in.

Weird, chewy little balls.

There's no point.

There's no point to them.

Personally, I like them.

I think they're pretty tasty, but you know, majority rules.

Well, it's not a majority.

I'm 50%.

I don't know.

The Bonitas, the great Bonito's got the deciding vote.

What do you reckon?

He doesn't care.

So

it is tapioca pearls are the secret ingredients.

So let's hope they don't say that.

But let's hear the off-menu menus of Moshe Cashier

and Natasha Legia.

Put an extra chair out.

Welcome, Moshe and Natasha to the dream restaurant.

Thank you.

Hi.

Welcome, Natasha and Moshe to the Dream Restaurant.

We've been expecting you for some time.

It's about time we had a couple in here, Ed.

Yes, you are our first couple in the dream restaurant.

It's normally, for a restaurant, a very lonely place.

Listen, I don't want to start the ranking early, but I gotta say, intro number two was a little bit...

That was a little more exciting.

Okay, well, just to let you know, he's a genius.

He's a genie.

So, you know, of course,

it would be disappointing if it wasn't explosive intro.

Right.

That's why I go first, because I'm just a human.

Okay, got it.

Yeah.

Well, ours also, we're not eating as a couple in our dream restaurant.

No, that's true.

We're eating as single people.

Okay, you're at separate tables?

Well, no, we'll sit together.

Yeah.

Wait, but how do people eat as a couple?

Nobody eats as a couple.

Everybody always orders separate dishes, right?

Yeah, that's true.

But we're at different restaurants.

I thought you were about to say we're different r races.

In our dream restaurant, we're different races.

Yeah, sure.

Well, that's nicely as a dream restaurant.

Let's mix it up a bit.

So, yeah, my starter is going to be

I'm going to be a Maori warrior.

Feel free to change throughout.

Did you notice me flipping through which race would feel the least awkward?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maori Warrior, it felt empowering, it felt good.

Yeah.

You're like, no one in this room really knows enough about that

and say that and get away with it.

We can't really sort of delve into stereotypes when we don't have the knowledge to do so.

Okay, so this podcast is not about race and race.

No, no, no, no, no.

Usually.

I mean,

I do a lot of podcasts, but they're all on one subject.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, so you do for this podcast, just for the just for this podcast um do you want to be divorced yeah that sounds delightful just have a divorce now how about we never met oh we're new to each other

that's even harsher when that now starts to feel like a whole role-playing thing that i don't necessarily want to get into okay we've never met but she but she is sort of i would guess like i'd say an underage schoolgirl

well divorce might take away some of the happiness that i might derive from some of the podcasts from having never met me

that's what i'm saying it'd be better if we had never met yeah you don't want to be like sitting there thinking, oh, man, my marriage is over.

It's much nicer being sitting there going, man, I'll be the guy.

Yeah, I guess I'll have another piece of pot pie.

My marriage is over.

So you would say, when you said it'd be better if we never met, you meant for the game?

Yeah.

Okay, you didn't mean...

In general?

Yeah.

No.

Okay, because we are, in reality, not in the Dream Restaurant.

Yeah.

Dream restaurant.

We've been fucking.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Still, still.

Seven years in.

But not in the dream restaurant.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not here.

No, you will be going to the bathroom one at a time.

We're not having any of that in the dream restaurant.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'll be keeping my eyes on you, actually.

You guys usually keep eyes on people that go to the restaurant?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is our restaurant.

I wonder how we like it.

Oh, it's your dream restaurant as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a dream restaurant.

It's actually not a dream bathroom.

It's just a normal bathroom, and there's a guy who has to look after that tomorrow.

Plenty of sense.

Yeah, yeah.

We've got a toilet attendant.

I hope that's fine.

We've got a toilet attendant who is

a pixie.

I was going to go zombie, but happy with pixie.

Zombie, Zombie, yeah, that's good.

Not to break the game here, but am I allowed to do a meta-commentary on this?

Absolutely, yeah.

So we were listening, just so just

this memory popped into my mind as we were coming over here because we were listening to Kumail's episode, and he was talking about spicy food and stuff.

And

a great memory popped into my brain.

We went and we brought Kumail to a Sechuan restaurant.

But by the way, LA has some of the greatest Chinese food you will ever have.

True spice.

Yeah, it's a Sechuan spice, and it's like numbing.

There's nothing like the Chinese food I've ever had in my life.

They say that the San Gabriel Valley area of Los Angeles, which is about 40 minutes outside of anywhere you'd ever visit other than to go get Chinese food, is the densest concentration of different kinds of Chinese food that you can get anywhere in the world.

Maybe even including China, because in China, all the Chinese people are in the world.

The Spring province,

they live where they're.

And it's not that far.

It's like 25 minutes.

Yeah, yeah.

But here they all moved to town.

And it's a really surreal place because

it's where American graffiti was filmed.

So the artifice of the place looks like a classic Americana town place, but it's like 85% Chinese immigrants.

So it looks like this like classic 50s America, but it's like little China.

Anyway, we brought Kumail there, and he'd never had Seichuan Fu before, and by like 10 minutes in,

you were asking about sweating,

sweating, coughing, like asking the waitress for more water and left, went to the bathroom without his wife.

And it was the funniest.

I just kept saying, you're from Pakistan.

You grew up in Pakistan.

Like, we've outspiced the

numbing.

He didn't like the numbing.

It's a different kind of spice.

It is a different kind of spice.

I was very lucky to be in the room with James when he had Sasha on spice for the first time.

And it is a joy to watch someone experience it for the first time.

I panicked.

I didn't know.

Did you start sweating from yourself?

It wasn't that.

It was that I didn't know it was meant to numb your mouth.

It doesn't feel like it.

When I had that sensation, I thought, oh man, they've like not taken the washing up liquid out of this bowl.

I'm eating chemicals I'm not meant to eat.

But in a nice way.

As soon as you told me that's meant to happen, I was like, great.

Well, I'm going to eat all of it.

I loved it.

To your credit, I don't know if it's still like this, but for a time in American markets, the Sechuan spice in particular would be on and off the black market.

So one week you'd go in and be like, it's legal, and you could buy a regular.

And then the next week you'd go back and the spice man would be like, this week you have to go see a man in an alley.

And then they would toggle back and forth.

So it wasn't.

Anyway.

You're our first couple as well.

Yeah, we're excited about it.

We've ever had two guests at once before.

Yeah.

When you first met, did you bond over food?

Was that a thing?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I think Moshe's more of a foodie than I am.

He's from San Francisco.

And when he was little, his like, his mom, they didn't have a lot of money, but his mom would always take him to a fancy restaurant when he was like a kid in San Francisco.

For my birthday.

For his birthday.

My birthday present was that we would, I would, she would say, what do you want?

And I would always say, I want to go to a really fancy restaurant.

And we were very poor, too.

We were on food stamps.

What's the equivalent of such a thing?

The dole.

The dole?

Or using like food banks or something like that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we were like poor, poor on welfare, on state assistance.

And once a year, we would go

to like a really fancy restaurant.

I have very fond memories of

slumming it in these fancy restaurants.

But I never really had nice food.

So I feel like I'm very into atmosphere.

Like, I'll totally take a downgrade.

on food for like a restaurant that's been open for a hundred years.

I just like to sit in those places.

Like if I'm on the the road, I always like Google what's the oldest restaurant.

Like if I have an extra night or something where I have nothing, you know, I'm going to go out to dinner or something.

Oh, by old restaurant, we're American, so it means like 30 plus years.

Real old school charm.

Yeah, it's Kev, so he's been there for some time.

Here's a fun fact about...

But Moshe is a snob about food, and you also know how to eat everything.

I'm not a snob because I like food on all

spectral levels of

the food chain, of the economic food chain.

I think

the Chinese food that I'll get in the San Gabriel Valley is as good as any five-star restaurant I've ever been to in my life.

That's one of the best meals one can ever have.

But you also don't eat cheese, really?

I do eat cheese.

No, I eat cheese.

You don't want to get into my dietary issues.

I know each other.

You only eat certain fish.

That's true.

I got also weird kosher stuff going on.

You eat chicken, but not beef.

Well, this is why I think I'm actually.

You won't.

Okay.

No, please.

What else you got?

Well, I'm just saying, and you eat pretty healthy.

Well, this is why I think I'm actually the best gauge of a great restaurant of anybody because I'm so annoying that if you can bring me a meal that adheres to my dietary restrictions and it's still a five out of five, then you're really a good restaurant because I'm not even getting the true experience of how the restaurant's supposed to be experienced.

Sure.

So, I mean, when you need to go out to eat together, it must be quite difficult that you've got to find a really old place that does food that you like.

It's hard.

We only go to Jewish delis ever.

So we always start with still a sparkling water on the podcast.

Is it are you?

I mean,

I don't know.

This is unprecedented, Ed.

Right.

Oh, you're worried one of us is going to stay still and the other will say sparkling.

I think we're going to soda separate the map.

I'm like, Jack Spratt and his wife over here.

Maybe we should do it like we're ordering.

Because, like, honestly, I always order sparkling because I know he likes that more.

Oh, do you want still?

I prefer still water.

Really?

This is a straight-up

exclusive.

Here we go.

Well, in general, it just seems slightly more healthy.

Oh, yeah, what do you think?

I drink a lot of sparkling water, and she's convinced that it has some sort of negative medicinal property.

No, I just think it's probably better to drink more regular water.

Probably.

Is it, though?

It's gotta be.

More and more now, I think people are saying sparkling is bad for you.

Bad for your teeth.

Bad for your teeth.

Bad for your insides.

Makes you burp.

So it's only your teeth and your insides, though.

Everything's a little bit of a skin.

Just the teeth at the end of your water.

Your skin, though.

I have it once in a while.

But anyway, when we're out to dinner, I would say sparkling because it's nice, and we get some limes on the side.

Well, you're ordering that for Moshe.

And for me, I enjoy it as well.

All right, okay.

You know what's interesting, though, is she said, Let's order, let's talk about it like we're ordering at a real restaurant.

When we go to a restaurant together, literally every time, that entire speech is what she tells you.

It's uncomfortable for me, but yes, we'll take sparkling, please.

Sparkling water.

Some limes if you have them.

Oh, I can get some limes.

Yeah, it would be an awful start to a dream meal if you were like, we are out of limes.

There are no limes.

No limes, sorry, and also no food.

Goodbye.

Can we fucking the bathroom?

Yeah, okay.

I can't speak to the bathroom zombie about that.

Do you you want the limes cut up in like a certain way?

Do you want them halved, quartered?

A union jack would be nice.

Just thematically, UK listeners.

I feel like requesting limes in any sort of way is a little over the top.

You know what?

Actually, I do have a lime preference.

I don't like when a lime is a full slice of the lime.

I agree.

Because what are you supposed to do?

You have to get your hands all mushy.

There's no purchase.

I don't want it to look like a garnish.

I want the flavor of that lime, so give me a wedge.

You want to squeeze it?

You want to squeeze it with a wedge?

Give me that wedge.

That's a lot of fun squeezing a wedge.

It is so fun.

You should ask them at the end about our restaurant dilemma.

Oh, what?

Okay.

What is it?

Okay, wow, this is good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You guys are going to have to think about it.

Okay.

Or maybe I can just ask you really quick.

Okay, go ahead.

This is about to be quick.

What's more fun, though, is usually what we do is we set up a kind of psychological game where the podcast hosts have to deal with thinking about it the whole time.

Just to try to get them off their rhythm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What is our dilemma?

No, because I was just out to eat with Todd Berry in New York, and he said he agrees with me, but everyone on our podcast agrees with you.

No one's going to be able to do that.

If the kitchen closes at 10 p.m.

Will you go there at, but the restaurant stays open.

The kitchen closes at 10.

At 9.50, would you go in and have a meal?

Yes.

Thank you.

Yeah, I think I would.

I think if they want to shut the kitchen early, they should

time earlier.

He starts to freak out.

Everyone's going to get upset and there'll be nothing open.

And he's like, I'm not going in there.

They close in 15 minutes.

And I'm like, but they stay open for us to eat.

The unreal.

The unreal.

Aren't you guys creators of etiquette?

What you say about you?

Do you think it's rude to go in and order within the time they've said you can order?

Yeah, but I'm telling you, don't you attack me?

I'm not married to you.

I knew you guys would agree with me.

I do think it's rude.

Everybody's like, literally, they're untying their little apron.

And they're like, yeah, it's about that time.

But I used to be a waiter, and you get an extra $30 or $20 just from you.

Not in England.

They don't even tip, really.

Do you tip?

Not really.

So

you don't even have that justification.

I'll go in there at 9.59 if I want.

I'll beg at 10.10.

Well, I think if they say it's 10 o'clock, that's when it shuts.

That's when the restaurant shuts, but

the kitchen shuts at 10.

So in theory, this restaurant's staying open.

People are sometimes at a bar.

People are finishing their meals that just came to them at 9.55 or 10.

Here's the dilemma I have.

First of all, I don't ever want to put people into

an awkward position.

I don't want to impose on people.

But also, I don't want to be in a restaurant where everyone hates me while I'm eating.

And the whole time I'm thinking, oh, these people are miserable and they just want me to leave.

And the worry is if you go in and order at 9.59, they're doing something to that food.

I never think about that, but I guess that is a good worry.

But you just think they're all going like, who the hell's come in?

I used to work in a kitchen, and if we were about to close and we were like, sometimes, I mean, it'd be a really like slow day.

And in the last hour, we're like, let's tidy down now, let's clean everything.

And you're ready to go.

And right at that last 10 minutes, someone comes in and orders something, and we're like, who the fuck would you

really angry about it?

However, and now you're a successful comedian, you're just like, fuck these people, fuck my roots, I'm gonna just do what I want.

He goes back to the place he used to work.

Yeah.

And they're still working there, all those papers.

We'll go into the kitchen, make a little deep eye contact with an old co-worker.

Yeah, it's me, motherfucker.

What is who the fuck's just ordered?

Yeah, I would like the combo for two.

That was the most common order that was a good one.

What's the combo for two?

It was like deep-fried mushrooms, breadcrumbed, deep-fried, it was deep-fried everything, potato wedges that had like loads of horrible cheese and stuff in them.

It's like, yeah, just a load of deep, a deep-fried platter,

onion rings, bit of a high-end recipe, fries,

cheerio type of situation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was all microwaved and fried, and then like a soft play area for the kids.

That was like the.

Which was all fried as well.

Yeah, yeah, it was all fried and crispy.

I guess.

knocking about it.

In the end of this, we'd like sparkling water.

Sparkling water, wedges of luck.

I just thought you guys would have a good take on it.

No, it's not a good take because they agree with you.

Interesting.

Interesting.

So I thought us and Todd Barry?

Yeah, well, most of the people have been berating me online saying that, how can you think that?

But I just wanted to make it clear.

How do you know?

How did your instincts tell you so deeply?

These are reasonable people.

You don't know them.

We just got here.

I could tell.

Yeah, but we give off that vibe.

We were kind of like us and Todd Barry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just very reasonable people.

That's very reasonable.

Well, he's very into restaurants, too.

You know, like people who are very into like going out to eat.

I like going out to eat.

I want to go out to eat all the time.

I would say 80% of the meals I've eaten in my adult life have been in restaurants.

90%?

Yeah.

Really?

85%?

That's pretty high.

You wouldn't cook at home.

I would.

I just generally didn't.

I was single.

Before Natasha and I got together, I was perpetually single, only single.

So it's like there's

friends.

Nothing more depressing than cooking a meal for yourself and then having like a lot of leftovers.

It's just like this.

But you're actually a really good cook.

I am a good cook.

Moshe can like improvise like a salad dressing or like vegan cookies or like the best like pasta.

Like he's like very good at like

belief.

Oh, yeah.

Combo for two.

You'd be a good saucy age.

Pop it ups or bread.

Pop it ups or bread.

I'll take, I'm going to to go bread.

Popadums or bread?

Oh, bread.

Bread.

Bread for sure.

Both going bread.

Bread's better.

I like popadum if I'm eating like an Indian meal, but I don't know if I want it just all the time.

I mean, bread is just better.

Bread is best.

Uh-huh.

The question is, what kind of bread?

Yeah, what sort of bread is the question?

Can you agree on that?

As long as the butter has like flakes of salt on it, I'm going to do it.

You're into that.

I skip butter generally.

I skip the butter.

And they say to skip the bread, but I'll take, if I'm going to say the best bread is unequivocally, it's got to be French.

French, the French do bread bread better than everybody else, right?

Okay, yeah, right?

The French agree with you on the French bread, yeah.

We're still married at this point.

You're back on the same page now.

Well, when we start talking about Frenching, I mean, this is just like, oh, it brings back a lot of goodness.

Suddenly, French bread, please, lots of crust,

and make it warm.

We could probably sort out an all-crust baguette for you.

Oh, that would just crust.

Now, that is an experiment worth trying.

What it would take is 50-plus baguettes

with a long spoon where you just comb out the soft, spongy dough, the part that everybody likes.

And you throw that to

the masses, a beggar on the street.

And then just stuff in.

They'd have to eat smaller baguettes all the way down.

So Russian bread.

In general, that's a pretty bad way to start your meal.

You would never start your meal at home with four pieces of white bread.

No, no, it's all that.

It's really not good.

We should just always skip it.

You know what?

We're skipping the bread today.

Oh, we'll skip the bread.

Yeah.

Honey, yeah, we'll skip the bread.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's a good point.

No one at home is like, yeah, I'll just eat a loaf.

But you'll bucket a bread and butter

before your

pasta.

I will say that I like when I'm at a fancy restaurant and they come by with one of those like stone slates with like nine kinds of bread.

But the problem that they put, they put you into a pig dilemma, which is they're like, okay, now would you like the cardamom bread with a Rockford crust?

Or would you like the rye with a

sweet and salty chutney?

Or would you and you like, you're like, I obviously want all of it.

Yeah, one of all.

You do, though.

You're like, can I have one of each of them?

Yeah, you can't say, give me all.

So you go, I'll have, you know, I'll have one of those and those and those and those.

And I'll die.

Is that all of them?

Just leave the slate.

It'd be a lot more considerate if they just described one of them awfully.

Yeah.

Or the dog shit plank in the morning.

Starters?

Oh, a starter.

What do you got?

I like that wedge wedge salad with bacon and

blue cheese dressing.

A wedge, a classic wedge.

Yeah.

That's before we had, I turned Jewish and don't eat bacon anymore.

Yeah, she turned Jewish.

Oh, yeah.

And then I found her.

Moshe, just, that's the only forbidden food in our house is pork.

Yeah, we don't do pork.

I finished the right fruit.

That is

psychic.

How did that happen?

I converted it.

The full moon comes along.

Every seventh full moon is a blood moon.

And if you, if you, there's a specific incantation but if you say the incantation at the blood moon you turn jewish yeah

yeah um

oh but didn't your grandma used to be the main salad maker oh yeah my dad also told me that um my my grandma was like the salad maker at this old italian restaurant nona she was called nana oh nana yeah and so she would what was it she She was blind or

her sight was bad.

Oh, she had no sense of taste.

Wasn't that a sweet sense of sense?

Oh, she had no sense of taste.

Which is the best thing about having a couple is you can remind each other of your own anecdotes minecraft no my

none of her senses i had never

lived

never lived well my dad just visited and told us this story and it was very confusing when he was telling it to me but he said that she would smell the salad to know when it had enough like of everything in it oh wow wow no thank you to that seller please

she was a master

she was like the master of yeah so she didn't have a sense of taste but she had a sense of smell listen did you feel when we said the no sense of taste that we were 100% sure that that's how the story went?

No, no, no.

So it's impossible she didn't have a robust sense of taste.

That was a sense that she didn't have.

No, but

I do think the salad is like the way to go for a starter.

And the point is, her grandma was an old Italian salad master.

Yes.

And so it's a movement.

For my starter,

I'm going to go a little differently than my wife.

I wanted to start with, well, I had two things I couldn't quite decide between.

One was I thought that I would have

hummus from

there's one particular place in Akko in Israel.

It's a medieval

crusade town.

The only reason that it exists is because the crusaders came there and established a little fort there or whatever.

And it's the best hummus I've ever had in my life.

And I just, you know, in Israel and in the Middle East, they'll do hummus as a meal,

which I think is the way that it should be done.

But for today.

Yeah, yeah.

Have you ever seen people do that, though?

It's like a bowl of, instead of like porridge, it's hummus, and they eat it with a spoon.

It's a full meal.

Our friend's Nishkuma, the comedian, he is the only person I know who eats hummus like a yogurt.

Like, he'll just stand at the fridge eating hummus with a spoon.

No, but hummus as a meal is a whole thing, it's a kind of restaurant.

You sit down and they're like, You want hummus, and then they'll say, What do you want on it?

And you get, oh, I'll have chicken or I'll have fool or whatever, you know, like the big fava bean kind or whatever.

This is your starter.

Well, I want this hummus from this place.

I see.

I thought, yeah, do you want anything on it?

Absolutely.

Chicken?

That's a good question.

Do I want anything on it?

I'll get

sliced egg and hot sauce.

Oh,

pickles.

I'll get some pickles on that bed.

What about some olives?

Slap them on there.

Yeah, let's do that.

Sure, why not?

Yeah, hell yeah.

Oh, you want a bowl of everything?

Yeah, I want a bowl of everything.

I want a combo number two.

Take all that, deep fry it, put it in the microwave, bring it on back.

Oh, on its way.

I had some fantastic hummus in L.A.

the other night at a restaurant that I cannot pronounce the name of.

Was it called Maze?

Yes.

Yeah.

Good hummus.

Really good.

Really, yes, really, truly good.

It's one of those places, the Middle East,

and I'm going to get into this more later with my main dish.

But it's like bizarre when you go and you order hummus in Israel or in another country in the Middle East, and then you come to the West and it's an Arab or an Israeli making you the food and it's not even close.

You're like, what is the thing that is, you clearly know how to make the thing, what is different here than there?

Yeah.

What's available ingredients?

Is that what it is?

Freshness, good, yeah, good local products.

It's so on another level.

The falafel I've had in Israel is so on another level.

It's as if the falafel everywhere else is a different kind of food.

Right, yeah.

And that goes double for the hummus.

The hummus at this place was, I really enjoyed it, and it was so good that it made me get over the fact I was sitting on a rickety table on a pavement outside, having waited 40 minutes and everything was written on a paper bag.

Because I think I'm like five years past thinking that's like sleeping on a friend's couch.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

Yeah, that's totally what it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not dealing.

I'm over this.

It was worth it?

It was really good.

That place is delicious, but speaking of like getting past it, we have friends who are also a couple, and they'll remain nameless.

But they do a thing called the call on Postmates or whatever to Maza and do what did they call it?

Order?

Fire the menu.

Fire the menu.

We saw that.

You just order the whole menu.

Maybe that place is the place that does it.

Maybe so.

I never heard of such things.

Absolutely.

It says it on the menu.

It says fire the menu.

The menu.

Which I thought, like yeah yeah yeah

we'll take it all get rid of it like i didn't know what the thing was like what else do you got yeah yeah start again we arrived one minute before the kitchen closed and uh i said fire the menu fire the menu fire the manager

i'm going home so would you like your wedge salad made by your nona not really because she put sausage in it okay

not so much the master anymore

you know like that that cold italian sausage absolutely not her she was awful

Fire of the Nona.

I've also realized, because we've got two of you on, it's the first time we could technically do competitive off-menu.

Sure.

We could decide with each round what the better one is.

I love this.

Okay.

Yeah.

So, I mean, I don't know if you guys are okay with that.

Is that a role?

Our marriage is nothing if not a long-term competition.

So, just so you know, my salad, you're eating it at Paradise Cove, which is on Malibu outside, and there's like a sea breeze.

Okay, if we're doing it like that, just so you know, my hummus is from, as I said, a medieval town in the Middle East that was, it looks like a castle from

Indiana Jones, you know,

the Lost Crusade or whatever.

And it's literally ancient medieval ruins, which isn't going to mean as much to you two, but

for us, this is significant.

With the waves of the Mediterranean lapping at slowly crumbling ruins.

That's a good ocean.

Yeah, that's a good ocean.

Okay, that's a few more paragraphs there

than what you said, Natasha.

But when you were talking about the old castle, I saw Natasha was like, I want to go to that place.

Malibu, you know, you don't really need to sell it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, yeah, that's fair.

Malibu, it stands alone.

Yeah.

Well, what do you guys think?

I think I would have been more intrigued if it was made by your blind, deaf, and dumb, non-like that would have

like

lured me in a bit more.

A bit of a personal touch.

I would have quite enjoyed that.

Yeah.

I'm a hummus guy, though.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

I feel like...

Have fun in Israel.

I'll be in Malibu.

You're an Israel guy?

Whoa, this just got so political.

Okay, but okay.

Oh, dear.

Main courses.

Main courses.

Well, I think this was where I might split the room.

I want a burrito.

And I only did that because you guys are from England and I wanted to make a rhetorical point, which is that

no one in England has ever had a burrito.

Okay.

You know, like, in the same way that no one in America has ever really had good Indian or Pakistani food, unless we go to England, or I would assume, Pakistan and India, but I've not been to those places.

But the differential, I don't know why this is the theme of everything I'm ordering, but the differential between a burrito.

And by the way, I live in LA.

There's barely any burritos here.

LA is like a taco town.

It's truly.

It's like San Francisco.

Now that's the home of the burrito.

I want a San Francisco Mission Street burrito.

There's one good burrito I've had in L.A., and LA burritos are like sloppy.

I bet you British people eat them with a knife and fork.

No, actually,

don't.

He makes fun of how I eat them because I like tear it in half.

Oh, she'll try to eat it like a slice of pizza, like flatten it out, and then just

macerate it in.

He's such a snob about how to eat a burrito.

He's like, you got to like suck it.

I know that.

You know, he's like, you got to like bite.

You kind of tease it for a while, and then you go to the base for a bit.

Put your tongue on the bottom, and then you go back up.

No, yeah.

Actually, honestly, I know you guys are incredulous or whatever, but yeah, part of a true burrito technician eating experience is you have to do a bit of suction while you're eating.

Why are you sucking this?

Okay, well, okay, so like because it's too full.

Yeah.

It's full, right?

So like, let's say the head.

Let's say the corona of the

breather.

So the bite technique, first of all, the wrapping technique is that you start at the top, you unwrap a little bit, like

a spiral candy or whatever.

A little foil.

A little foil, but a little bit.

Fold it down so you won't get any foil in your mouth.

So then you just have a chunk of edible area.

Just peeking over the top.

Just peeking, but you don't want it to be too up high because then you're going to bite into foil.

Nobody wants that.

And then once it's ready and you're secure, your base is secure, you take a first bite, no suck, no need.

You got to solve it.

First bite, no suck, no need.

No suck, no need.

First bite, no suck, no need.

That's what everyone in San Francisco says.

Second bite, now you got a lot of stuff going on, right?

You got your rice, you got your beans, you got your meat, you got your cheese, you got your sour cream, salsa.

Like what you're going to do if you just bite in like some kind of fucking dumb animal is it's going to fall all over your neck.

It's going to be like all sour cream or something.

Yeah, you're going to get blasted.

You're going to get blasted on the chip.

It's going to erupt on you.

It's just going to just.

If you take a second bite, it will erupt on you and be all over your neck and chest.

It's going to bust.

The truth is, at the second bite, I'm overdoing it.

At the second bite, you're still pretty good because

you got a lot of tortilla on the top that's still holding stuff in.

By the time you're getting down into the middle of the burrito, it's a fucking warship.

Right?

Yeah.

And so what you got to do is you put your mouth, you don't just bite.

You put your mouth in the area you want to eat from.

You get ready.

You crane your neck just a bit.

You give yourself an angle.

You go in, and then

you bite and suck.

I think that's gross.

A mild suck.

Oh, yeah, it's gross.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, how dare you.

Objectively gross.

He's always like, you got to suck it.

Objectively correct, though.

I mean,

it's like, it's how you get the burrito to stay solid and to not just fall apart in your hands.

I would rather you just like took some of the foil off so you've got just enough left.

And then before you've even bitten, you just stick a straw through it.

Okay.

And then you suck it that way.

What I often do is

I'll get a burrito and

I'll loosen out the sides of the tortilla.

And then I'll get, like, I've got like a pretty big vape

sort of device, and I undo the cartridge.

I pour burrito, just the contents of the burrito, and there'll be a slice of tortilla on the top, slice on the bottom.

I'll cran it back in, and I just

vape that burrito.

And there's no must, no fuss.

Yeah, truly.

That's completely fine.

And it's good for you.

Anything you vape is inherently healthy.

Yeah, it's good for the lungs.

So it's no calories.

And you're full, and it's just like, it's as good as eating.

So would you like the vape burrito for...

No, No, I want a real burrito.

I want a burrito from a place called Gordo's Taqueria in San Francisco, which is a controversial choice as San Francisco burritos go.

But it is, I think, the greatest burrito in the Bay Area, which is the greatest burrito in the world.

And what they do...

Their specialty is that they put two slices of cheese on the tortilla, then they put the whole tortilla into the tortilla steamer, and they

steam, steam, steam, steam.

And when they bring it out, you have just a sheet of melted, perfectly melted cheese.

Then they've got the greatest hot sauce, the green hot sauce.

Usually, I'm a Rojo boy.

You guys know that about me.

That's why we invited you.

Yeah, I know, I know.

So they want me, and they heard you're a rojo boy.

But this green salsa, for some reason, this Verde is, it is very, very good.

And then I want bean, cheese,

rice, beans, and guacamole, and extra hot sauce.

Roll it up, give it to me.

I don't need meat.

I'm good.

No meat.

Bean and cheese burrito, Gordo's greatest thing I've ever had.

There's one good bean and cheese burrito.

Well, he puts rice in it.

I don't like that.

I agree with you.

We've not come to the judging portion.

It's a binding agent.

It's a binding agent.

I think it ruins the whole taste.

And he's really into carbs with his carbs.

He'll like potatoes and rice together.

I think that's like a little with bread.

I've not even heard your main course yet.

You are in for a good shot here.

Hold on.

First of all, the burrito is the greatest food of all time.

Second of all, rice is inherently inherently a burrito food.

I mean, that's what I'm saying.

I don't like burrito.

Yeah, of course you don't.

You've never had one.

I have.

Look,

the whole point, notion of

putting all the stuff in there and then wrapping it all up.

It's like you've got a baby's nappy and you're just

going to fold it all up and then dispose of it.

I hate the feeling of it.

The idea that you've conflated it to a baby's nappy.

It's not inherent.

It feels right, though, with those beans.

I mean, when you said it, it did make me laugh in a way that felt familiar.

Yeah, so I didn't like that.

It was instinctive.

Yeah, yeah.

I like the rice in there.

It's part of it.

I like the rice.

What about some chopped potatoes?

He took that.

No, I wouldn't have that.

I'll do a chopped potato and a breakfast burrito.

There's a burrito called a California burrito, which is actually weirdly much more of a Southern California burrito.

It's rice, cheese, sour cream, carne asada, and french fries

and beans.

You wouldn't eat that.

I wouldn't eat it, but it sounds delicious.

I would do it.

We had sandwiches of french fries in them last night.

Yeah.

And And it was too much for me.

I had to take it.

I picked them out like an absolute wimp.

Yeah, that does sound wimpy.

It was slightly piggish.

That was quite...

Oh, no wonder you referenced the baby's nappy.

You're a bit of a baby yourself.

Natasha, your main course.

I'm going to have from Pacific Dining Car, which is...

I'm going to love about what that is.

That's this restaurant downtown L.A., and it's like an old box car, kind of.

It's a 24-hour gourmet steakhouse.

White tablecloths only.

The way we describe it is it's a wonderful place to see a Los Angeles City Council member cheating on his wife.

It's like old school.

It's always great people watching, but then they have amazing food and it's pretty expensive, but they have this salmon with, is it just hollandaise?

No,

it's a maple ginger glaze

salmon, and it is one of their best salmon dishes.

It better be.

Shit is like $59.

It's salmon.

Well, you pay.

You have to pay because they're a white cloth restaurant open all night long.

You're paying for the 24-hours-ness of it.

If it weren't for these prices, they would have closed down long ago.

And it's a very unique, one-of-a-kind place where at four in the morning, you can get a white tablecloth.

Pacific dining car.

It's like, you know, 10 minutes from Silver Lake.

It's just right downtown, but not deep downtown.

Like, you don't have to take the freeways to get there.

What is your perfect time to eat the salmon within a 24-hour period?

Definitely after most restaurants close.

Because then you kind of feel it.

You know, you're like, I can get this meal at like 12.30 in the morning.

That might be a good time to eat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

After like you've been celebrating something and then they have a great wine list.

Last time we were there, we went on Valentine's Day.

We had a show, I think, and then we went to Pacific Dining Car after Valentine's Day.

And there was a couple there, and it was these two guys, and they were with their, like, they were both with.

No, no, no.

It was a guy.

People take like people they're trying to impress their technology.

Right, his unbelievably hot girlfriend, or I would assume, lover, and and then his like funky best friend

on Valentine's Day.

And

he ignored her the whole time, and he just kept talking about Drake.

She was on her phone, though.

She was on her phone because they weren't talking to her, and he kept talking about Drake in a way that was like, it was like...

Clearly what he was trying to

give across to his best friend, his girlfriend, and any of the patrons within 10 tables earshot.

He knew Drake.

Right.

Oh, Drake?

Oh, you've been to to Drake house?

The whole time.

It was so hilarious.

Like, he just kept saying Drake in this, like, overly familiar.

You just don't say Drake in such a familiar way without being like.

It's quite a hard thing to do when it's like most celebs, if you want to show off that you know them, you just go on first name terms.

Drake, Drake,

man, everyone calls him Drake.

Aubrey, how do I?

I'm sorry, you might know him as Drake.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, also, I want to say that Pacific Dining Car has the most amazing breakfast, also, which I've never seen.

You've ever had Drake.

So, like, when I had my baby, Moshe went and got it it because it was across the street, and it was like banana pancakes and like a million different kinds of eggs, like very old-fashioned egg dishes.

It is a classic Natasha likes it, old school hundred-year-old restaurant.

And when we had the kid, I would run across the street and grab, yeah, these like bruleed banana pancakes to bring to her.

And you'd have to get back to change the burrito.

I love the different ways that you refer to your child as well.

When I had my baby, when we had the kid,

I don't think of her as my baby.

Sure, no, absolutely.

Sure, she's an independent woman.

She can do what she wants.

Yeah, yeah.

The only person that I consider as close to me as the kid,

one person.

Yeah.

Drake is Drake.

Drake.

Of course it's Drake.

So you having the salmon?

Yeah, I'll have the salmon just because then I can also have wine.

I don't really want to have wine at breakfast.

But the way they make it is they crust the salmon.

I don't know why I'm helping you here, but they crust the salmon.

It's seared on top, so it's crispy and it's fully soft and perfect in the middle.

And then it's a sweet, like almost Asian-y kind of like maple syrup ginger glaze.

It's delicious.

It's a sweet, sweet salmon.

And we always share it.

Yeah, we get one.

The crusted top is really.

Yeah, I mean, I don't need to.

Right.

Do you want a wet napkin filled with baby shit?

A perfectly cooked piece of salmon.

So I'm guessing you're guessing.

Natasha's winning that.

Yeah, the salmon's went in that one.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

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Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

Clutch move by the home team.

What's the game plan from here on out?

Laundry?

Not today.

Dishwasher?

Sidelined.

What a performance by Team California.

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So the side dish.

Okay, what was your side dish?

Well, mine is the cream spinach that you order at Pacific Dining Car.

They go staying in the same place.

Staying there.

We're not moving.

You don't want to leave.

Yeah.

It's really cool.

You've not left California so far for your menu.

And with motions, we've been to San Francisco and Israel.

And Israel.

Yeah.

Okay.

I love California.

I had, I had, I was unable to decide.

This is cheating now that it's a competition.

If this was just more of a laid-back, what do I do here?

Well, I'll tell you what.

Okay, I know what I'll do.

I'll tell you what I couldn't decide between, and then I'm going to order the second thing.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just thought it'd be cool because it's like, we're talking memories and stuff.

Jews have the worst food of any ethnic group probably in the world.

I mean, Eastern European Jews.

Yes.

Hummus, that's how bad Jewish food is, that we had to literally colonize a region and go, our national dish.

We invented it.

And it's like, no, I'm pretty sure it's not from there.

But

like hummus is like an Arab food that Israelis are just like, no, we made it.

But the one good food that Eastern European Jews make, it's mostly just like bad,

standard, like Eastern European, you know, and I'm sure like sausagey, well, not sausage, but you know, meats and boiled chickens and sliced potatoes.

But there's a dish called chullant, which is a rare dish.

This is one of your favorite foods?

One of the best things ever.

It's a taste that Natasha Mayo.

You have to describe it.

It's delicious.

Tell them what's in it.

Okay,

it's a stew, basically, but it's made with

mixed beans,

like

16-hour boiled beef, so it's like just falling apart, kind of the tenderest beef you've ever had in your life.

Little barley and like

sauce, sauce kind of situation.

And then in, I'm not ordering this, in the middle, there's something called kishka, which is a kind of like wheat and beef fat

pasty sausagey

thing.

It's like a starchy.

It's like a sausage, right?

Because that wouldn't be cookie.

She's like beef fat.

But it's made of like starch and.

Okay, so what I will have to...

I want to say that.

Does that sound good to you guys?

Let's stick on the chill true.

I mean, I just wanted to.

I've never had someone.

I wanted to take a swing for my ethnicity, but as I was doing it, I gave up.

I've never had someone describe something so specifically and in so much detail, and yet I still have no visual

what it would be and what that looks like.

I have no,

what is that, a solid?

It's between

hot, right?

It's between, you make it in a slow cooker, and it's between a stew and a chili and a soup and a

spoon?

You eat it, yeah, you would eat it with definitely with a spoon.

Beautiful name.

Sucking it.

No, you could suck it.

With a boba straw.

There's air one way or the other.

Anything I like.

It feels like it should be served in like a tin bowl.

Yeah.

You mean in like a trench.

Yeah, you know.

In 1917.

Yeah, yeah.

By

the quartermaster.

Like some whiskey and top it off with some whiskey.

It's the kind of thing when your foot is falling off due to trench rot.

Yeah, yeah.

It's the perfect meal.

And then everyone sits around and imagines it's something else.

I'm imagining this is my mum's roast dinner.

Yeah, this is like now we're in like a gular somewhere.

Everyone's like, remember real food?

But what I will order.

Why can't you just describe that one?

I'm going to lose.

Okay, fine.

Okay, okay, okay.

You know what?

No, no, no, no.

Don't really want to hear what the other thing is, though.

Well,

the greatest side dish ever is from the San Gabriel Valley.

It's Dandan noodles.

I order it with no pork.

And the Dandan noodles are a soft egg noodle in a sesame sauce and like a spice and probably a lot of MSG in this perfect concoction.

And there's peanuts crumbled on top.

And it's about the best thing in the world.

The Chinese, for some reason, the people that are most into the noodle, i.e.

the Italians and the Chinese, have decided that noodles should be a side dish, which is very funny.

Like the Italian meal is like you order pasta, but then we get to the main dish.

So you're saying noodles are a side dish?

Dan Dan feels like a main dish.

No, no.

I feel like it can't really compete with cream spinach.

You're really pushing him towards the bottom of the pinch.

Well, so far, all you've said for cream spinach is cream spinach.

Well, you know, it's like, it's all kind of the same.

He said, cream spinach is from that place.

Cream spinach is delicious.

No, listen, if you go to that restaurant, you'll get it.

So let's take a quick pause and take a quick drive.

But should I stick with chillin'?

Why not?

Let's see.

Let's just stick with chillin' and see what you guys pick.

Fucking shitload of beans in your meal.

Okay, that's true.

It's a dream meal, so I don't have there's no gas.

There's no gas.

Okay, that's fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you don't have to have any gas.

No, just full of beans.

Yeah, full of beans.

The beautiful food of most of the world wars.

Do you want me to explain my spinach more?

Yes, please.

Okay,

it's not too watery.

It's got a good flavor.

It's hot.

It's got

salt and pepper.

A bit of spinach, a bit of cream.

Yeah.

Bit of spinach, a bit of cream.

Probably some special ingredient that I don't know.

Oh, wow.

I don't know.

You're going to win this one.

Can I suggest maybe a grating of nutmeg in there?

That maybe is what it is.

That might be it.

No, you cannot.

I want to just crispy.

All right.

Beef paste.

It's beef and starch.

Okay.

Don't forget the barley.

It's still not appealing.

It's beef with starch.

You said it was pasted.

Pasty beef.

It's like beef starch paste.

And that's in the the middle.

That's like the surprise in the middle.

Barley floating around.

As soon as I eat through this barley, I'm sure there'll be a nice treat for me in the middle here.

Oh, it's pasty beef.

Oh, well, I think Chalant wins.

I had some lovely cream spinach.

We had some good cream spinach in New York in Lil Frankie's.

Yes, we did.

I had some cheese grilled on the top as well.

That sounds good.

Does that happen at no, I think theirs is very simple.

Okay.

But heated like in one of those ovens where it's like very hot.

And there's a little crust on top.

Let me tell you about Little Frankie's.

I went to Little Frankie's once, and we ordered some pasta.

You remember this?

Oh, yeah, and they went to put truffles.

They come by and they're like, and we have a special.

We have a special right now at a winter truffle.

Would you like to try the winter truffle?

And we're like, oh, yeah.

And they're just like,

what was it?

$50.

We were so mad.

I'm like, no, you don't do that.

You say, if you like to try the winter truffle, it's $50.

You don't shavy, shavy, shavy, shavy, shavy, and then blood out.

It was not enough.

There was not enough shaves for $50.

It's just, it's in, it was unforgivable.

It was unforgivable.

Yeah, that's pretty.

That's a not a good movie.

It was so casual the way they came out.

Like, hey, what's up, guys?

Oh, my God.

We just found this in the back.

It's just a special.

You want some?

Did you?

You know what?

Another pet peeve I have?

Oh, I hate this.

When waiters will come up to you, you order a lemonade or a Diet Coke or something, and they go, Oh, did you want another Diet Coke?

Oh, yeah.

I always want to say, yeah, for free?

Yeah, yeah.

Tell me.

Do you want to buy another Diet Coke?

Don't casual it so that I'm fooled.

But they're that confident as well.

I was at Placebuck in England, ping-pong, chained in someplace,

and this guy came along, and he was, our drinks were like pretty low.

He's like, hey, guys, I don't like what I'm seeing here with these drinks.

They're looking a little low to me.

Someone on this table's got to be furthest.

Who's firstly?

You're first.

You're first.

I'm letting you some extra drinks.

And it's that thing of like, no no we might when you want was oh you gotta want some drinks guys look at you you're gonna be too thirsty it's gotta be deliberate too when they do that casual thing it's gotta be a thing where they it's like the social embarrassment of saying i would love one but i would not like to pay for another sure yeah you're so embarrassed you just go whoa okay and then they charge you oh i truly hate that yeah

yeah

uh also the little frankie's would be the worst person to do that because when we were there it was cash and no card

A lot of places in New York are like that.

If they do that, then they're like $50 and you've only bought enough out for a certain.

That's a pretty big move.

Also, what I figured out in my head is that truffle-based oral ordering practices is tea-boop, which is quite a satisfying thing to say when you're in a court.

Oh, that's what I'm saying.

This person is

engaged in oral ordering practices.

They're engaged in

T-boop.

No, we just made it up.

It just happened.

T-boop.

T-boop.

T-boop.

They're engaged in T-boop, Your Honor.

T-boop.

I opened up the child's nappy and look at us.

A spoonful of tea boop.

Surrounded by pasty beef.

Pasty beefy.

So I think the cream spinach is going to win if you were to go for the

beef paste amen.

I'll back down.

If you'd gone for the dan dan, it would have been a shit.

I know.

Oh, the dan dan would have been a shoe.

It felt like cheating.

It did, because it is like a main chick.

Cheese choosing a nice dish.

You know what?

Chullant is delicious, and I challenge the two of you, find a Jewish family back in London that will serve you chullant.

Take a bite and tell me what you think.

How would you suggest I do that?

Because it's quite tricky to go around london so would you jewish go to a jewish neighborhood scream i want chalant cut a little bit more on the sides of your haircut make it a little bit more stark yeah of a kind of undercut haircut comb it down uh starched khaki head to toe boots you walk in and you say i want chalant who is jewish and they will welcome you into that community with open arms like you have never experienced before yeah also i guess make sure you say i want chalant who is jewish not who is jewish i I want chalant, because I guess who is Jewish, just like straight out the gate.

Stop listening.

People want to hear what it is that you want, not just straight in with who is Jewish.

Actually, I'll just say, drop the chalnut and just say, who is Jewish?

Really?

That's planned.

Come with me.

Yeah, they'll just come out.

Yeah, come with me.

Who is Jewish?

Come with me.

They'll come out with a bowl of chalmut.

That's just like a code to do.

Okay, I'll tell you.

I guarantee it.

Also, I guess if there's any listeners who live in London who are Jewish, who make chalant, then let us know.

Yeah, chalant's good.

We'll send the great bonito round, and you can give him some, and you can bring it to you.

Do you like beef stew?

Yeah.

Do you like beans?

Yeah.

I actually don't really like beans.

Okay, you're out.

You're in.

Yeah, I'm still in.

Okay, you like beef stew?

You like beans?

Yeah.

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Favorite drink?

As my child says, mommy needs wine.

What?

Literally true.

She'll say that sometimes.

How old's this kid?

Two.

She's two.

Natasha went to the other room the other day, and our kid goes,

mommy's getting wine.

And I was like, no, she's not.

It was kind of a sad moment.

You don't drink that much wine.

No, but I mean, I would have wine with my dinner for sure.

Yeah,

always.

What are we talking?

I would have whatever people say, like something, I mean, I like so many different kinds, like something that would go, probably a white wine with the salmon.

What's your go-to?

Like a Sauvignon Blanc.

Uh-huh.

From where?

Oh, don't you, you like specific ones?

I would want just something not sweet.

No, but somebody recently told you not to get wines from where?

Was it from California?

I mean, I'd always rather it be French.

That something was wrong with the California wines?

I don't know if that's a good one.

I feel like I'm watching a couple.

Have you got the board game articulate here?

I feel like I'm watching a couple playing that.

Someone told you you didn't want a wine from where?

Where was it?

Wasn't it?

It was a couple of somewhere else.

I told you I'm not like a hu like I'm not going to be able to describe everything in great detail.

But for a minute there, which I really enjoyed, you said, I want wine, and I said, what type of wine?

And you're on the verge of just going, any, any one.

I will have wine.

Well, I would have, like, if something goes with something, you know, I like to educate myself all the time.

So I'm very open to new culinary

pairings.

So I would maybe want to be surprised.

I've only recently come around to white wine at all as a concept because I think I just had terrible white wine.

And bad white wine is get away with it is gross it's so disgusting bad red you can sort of get away with it but bad white wine Sauvignon Blanc is always really nice and like crisp and not too like

sweet or

do they have synthetic wine in uh in England synthetic wine like it's like not made from grapes It's like we had a thing called Ripple and a thing called Mad Dog and a thing called Cisco and a thing called Boone's Farm.

Do you have any of those?

No, no.

Coralaries.

They're low.

Those are like members of a gang.

Well, if you're in a gang, you drink those things.

And Cisco, they used to call liquid crack.

And

it was like, it was a carbonated synthetic wine, like almost like a soda.

It was the lowest of the low.

But I wonder what the equivalent is.

We have like really, I mean, the sort of thing that you drink as a teenager.

Yes.

It's very much that.

Is this what the drink you're picking?

No.

We'd have like cheap cider.

Like you can buy like bottles of cheap cider called white lightning and white thunder.

Yeah.

Thunderbird was one of the ones that you go.

So it must be sort of similar.

Soda, similar zone.

But you could get like for like two pounds, you could get two liters or something.

Really bad stuff.

Bad, bad stuff.

I like when restaurants have someone who comes to your table

and they'll explain to you like their favorite wines and what would go with every...

What are they called?

Somalier.

Solid sommalier, yes.

And I like when they, yeah, they like suggest things that you would have never known.

I also like that, but I find myself while they're describing things that I'm nodding like I'm taking it all in, and I know I'm not going to remember any of that by the end of the meal.

Well, you know, they did a control test on sommeliers where they like give them a blind taste test of like the fine wine that they recommend and then an equivalent very cheap version, and they all failed.

Really?

Who knows?

Who knows?

Who knows what's really going on out there?

Have you seen that documentary, Tom?

No.

Oh, it's brilliant.

So they have to go, they do

this exam to become a proper sommelier.

And they're so stressed about it.

And they have to learn it with flashcards.

And that's for wine, but there's also like tea sommeliers, too.

Yeah.

I've met one of those.

I did a water sommelier once here in L.A.

Just in case you thought L.A.

doesn't delve into its own stereotype enough.

There's a restaurant at the LA Museum of Modern Art, and they have a water

tasting flight.

And they have a water sommelier.

And he comes through with like 16 different kinds of water, and you taste them all.

And I will say, to their credit, most of it is hooey,

but there are a couple of the waters with a high mineral content where you're like, this is unique and it doesn't taste like anything I've ever had before.

Okay.

It had like, it's all the ones with the most, it's like Swiss, minerally, it definitely had a flavor.

My T Sommelier in Uruguay told me that Darjeeling is the champagne of teas.

No sentence

ever started with my T Sommelier in Uruguay told me.

My T Sommellier in Uruguay.

I'm just saying he clearly

had gone to school.

He was like very into it.

I mean, I obviously didn't care.

The Sauvignon Blanc.

Yeah.

From France.

Yeah, let's say that.

French Sauvignon Blanc.

Very cold.

Yes.

I am not a drinker.

And so my challenge at fancy restaurants is often, do you have something interesting enough?

For me, I get a little bummed when it's like everybody has a fancy cocktail, and then I get like a double.

People can make so much money off of that.

I don't know why every restaurant just doesn't have non-alcoholic $9

mocktails for people like Moshe.

I've been to a lot of places like Tasting Menu Places that will do a juice pairing as well as a wine pairing.

That does feel like, that feels like bullshit.

You want like sparkling water with it.

You don't want it like heavy juice.

But what I have had a pairing of is coffee, and because I'm not a drinker, I'm a big coffee person, so I'm going to make my order officially.

It's actually what I'm drinking right at this very moment.

Wow.

I will have mine,

a cup of Phil's.

It's a San Francisco-based coffee chain where they make every cup

by hand, but it's pour over.

And I'll do it Phil's Way.

I'm actually not drinking mine Phil's Way, but Phil's Way is heavy cream, brown sugar.

They do a pour over, and then they pour it back and forth, back and forth.

It's a dark roast blend, the Turkish blend with a pinch of cardamom in it,

and

a sprig of mint leaf on top.

Phil's is so, this is my best story about Phil's.

My brother went in to order a cup, and he ordered a cup of coffee, and they were like, okay, that'll be $7.

And he's like, $7?

And the guy, it happened to be Phil.

Phil himself.

And Phil goes, oh, you don't think it's worth it?

Taste the coffee.

If it's not worth $7,

you don't pay.

And my brother's like, oh, no, I'm sorry.

No, it's all good.

Of course I'll pay.

He goes, no.

Taste it.

You tell me if it's worth $7.

If you don't think it's worth $7,

you don't pay.

And my brother took a sip and he gave him the $7.

Wow.

Because it's the craziest cup of coffee you'll ever have in your life.

That does sound crazy.

A mint leaf in it.

A mint leaf, cardamom, brown sugar, yum.

One other tidbit about the Turkish blend is that in Glendale, California, which is the highest concentration of Armenian Americans in, I think, America, I went in and I said, can I get the Turkish, please?

And they said, oh, we don't have the Turkish, please.

We don't have the Turkish.

It's called the Delightful Blend.

One store has changed the name of Turkish because of the Armenian genocide.

Just that.

Which I thought was so interesting.

It's like, you can still get a German chocolate cake in the streets of Israel.

Yeah.

You cannot get a cup of tea.

I feel like they missed the trick by calling it the delightful.

They could have called it the enemy blend or something.

Yeah,

but then nobody would buy it at all, right?

That's my order.

And a nice pot of steaming hot coffee and a steaming hot bowl of cholin.

What a night.

Yeah, you've got to go home with him at the end of this night.

I don't know if this is cheating, but I actually have some of it right here.

You guys can taste it.

No, no, no, I'm just kidding.

But Edge, you should taste it.

I don't drink coffee, but Edge.

You literally could if you wanted.

You could

even open it up a bit.

Ed, you tell me this isn't worth $7.

Has this ever happened before?

Not really.

Has this got everything you mentioned?

This doesn't have the cream.

That's actually better.

The cream doesn't have the mint in it.

I actually prefer cream.

And it's hot.

I had an iced one earlier.

Does it have the mint in it?

Yes, it does.

Take a sip.

Tell us what you think.

Very sweet.

It's pretty sweet.

It's very sweet, but the mint really is really doing a lot there.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's pretty delicious.

I kind of want to taste it.

I haven't had coffee in like a long time.

You would fucking love this.

Would I?

You're going to lose your mind, mate.

I'm going to have a sip of it.

Just have a sip.

Because he hasn't had caffeine in years.

It's going to be funny when you're going to be a little bit more.

I can't have ham every night again.

He's going to hit the roof.

You get the mint just when you're about to take the first sip.

Okay.

Okay.

It's a chain, Phil's.

It's from San Francisco, right?

Yeah, that's delicious.

That's very nice.

Get you back on the stuff.

Bring me back.

Thank you.

What's the craziest about this?

You know what that mint leaf is made of?

Beef paste.

Oh,

delicious.

No, but the cream foam top really does put it over the...

It does send it into an area of decadence where it's almost a dessert.

I can imagine it.

And that's what I want.

All my drinks have to be desserts.

Now,

I love booze.

I love drinking.

But I think it might have to be the coffee for me.

I hear you.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a red wine guy.

I'm a red wine guy more than anything.

Yeah, yeah.

So we're neck and neck now again.

Well, what's your

coffee as well?

I just had it.

Wait, Nick.

I think I'm in front.

No,

you thought you were on the side dish.

Oh, you're PS.

Wait, back away.

Back away, Motion.

It's like someone just walked out of a car crash holding the steering wheel.

I think I won.

I won, right?

So it's neck and neck going into the desserts.

We haven't planned it like that.

That's genuinely dessert.

This is genuinely how we're feeling.

So the dessert is everybody.

It's a decider.

The decider.

Now I've got a real dilemma because I know what her dessert is.

It will lose.

Except if I do what I was going to go in here with, because I was just going to be cheating.

You don't know what these guys like, though.

But you know what?

It'll even the playing field.

I'm going to stick with my original choice, and I'll probably lose only because of the choice that I've made.

A cup of beans.

Yeah, there we go.

With some barley.

Oh, it's disgusting.

It's pure unrefined baby shit.

Just a spoonful of baby shit.

Yep.

Okay, mine is also in California, Los Angeles.

It is?

Yeah, and it is a spumoni ice cream.

That's not just a California thing.

No, but the one that I like is at Dantana's.

Oh, okay, sure.

Dantana's topic.

Explain Dantana's.

So Dantana's like an old school Italian restaurant, and it's very hard to find.

Do you guys know what Spumoni ice cream is?

No, I'm looking forward to finding it.

I know what ice cream is, and I love it.

So, I don't really, ice cream is always my favorite dessert.

Like, he always wants to get like the pannicota and all that, like, heavy.

Like, I'm not that into it.

It never seems good to me.

It's always too sweet.

Anyway, so ice cream is what I like for dessert.

So, this is chocolate, cherry, and pistachio ice cream.

Oh, so here's an interesting thing.

Not strawberry, not vanilla.

It's like a real Italian-American Neapolitan ice cream.

But Neapolitan is chocolate vanilla

strawberry.

Yeah, and it's a little pistachio cherry chocolate is like a perfect combination.

When I was I was living in Italy for a little while and I was working on a film there and she was telling me about spumoni and I went to all the Italian people on the crew and I was like, have you ever heard of spomoni ice cream?

And they were like spumone.

It's like an American

Italian American ice cream forever.

And it's slices of chocolate.

It's very like 1950s.

Yeah.

True like, yeah, classic.

It'd be worse if you found out it meant sperm in Italian or something.

Yeah,

Spermoni means fuck you America.

Den Dennis is a very cool place because it's like everybody's in Tuxes and they're all like charm.

Like all the waiters are super charming and they like, you know,

you feel like they love you.

And then there'll be a movie.

There'll be like Warren Beatty there.

And then they'll come make a Caesar salad at your table.

It's a really classic, awesome joint.

Spermone sounds good.

Like we're both ice cream boys.

Damn it.

Yeah.

You more than me.

I love ice cream more than anything else.

What's your favourite flavor?

Well, you've opened up a can of worms there.

That's what the flavor of Spamoni is.

Moshe likes like jam-based, like fruity

ice creams.

Yeah, and I always go for the chocolate worms.

I would go lean more in the chocolate kind of direction.

Fruity ice creams, they have to be...

I'd probably rather have a sorbet if I'm going to have a fruit.

a fruity one.

Grapefruit sorbet, that's nice.

Yeah, like like, yeah, those kind of citrusy sorbets are delicious.

I think ice creams are like more chocolatey or toffee.

I like salty ice creams as well with the salted caramel or something like that.

Some like salted biscuits in there or like...

We went to Ample Hills Creamery in New York, which is basically they just empty whole bags of candy into the ice cream.

There's some ice cream in there, but it's mainly just eaten bits.

Did you love it?

Ample Hills so much.

I mean, creamery, yeah.

It is creamy as hell.

It's the creamiest ice cream I've ever had.

And there's like potato chips in there and like the salty graham crackers, as you call them here.

What do you call them?

I call, well, I guess that's what we would call them.

Do you even have graham crackers?

No, we don't really.

But we would read it as graham crackers.

Yeah, we'd call them graham crackers.

Yeah, but you'd call them graham biscuits.

Graham biscuits.

Graham biscuits.

We'd have graham crackers.

That's probably why it hasn't taken off in the UK.

Wait, what do people eat when they go camping?

What is the camping snack from a cracker?

Oh, yeah, which catch a rabbit.

Right.

I mean, your horse or you know.

And you'd love this.

Tin of beans.

Tin of beans.

Tin of beans.

But there isn't like a campfire.

There's not a proper thing.

I was in the Boy Scouts.

Won't surprise anyone in this room.

But like when we went like camping, we would put...

So my favorite thing to do is get tin foil and you'd cut up a banana in half and then put a Mars bar in the middle of it and then just wrap that up and put it in the campfire and then leave it there for a bit, get it out and then just eat all the melted Mars bar with the banana.

Can't say that sounds bad.

But you've got to peel the foil off and then you've got to suck and bite it.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Suck a banana.

We don't even have a banana before we suck it.

In the States, every young man learns to just suck a banana down to the hill.

Just as a rite of passage.

Yeah, sure, that's fair enough.

Ascension into manhood.

You guys do know that I'm referring to the classic s'more.

Yes, s'more.

S's are great.

The first hotel that we stayed at in New York on this trip, they gave us, there was free, a bag of s'mores in the hotel room, and I was delighted.

There was a fire?

No, no, there was just a bag of like pre-made s'mores

from a local store.

They were so delicious.

Benito didn't want want his, so he gave me

a bunch of marshmallow, grey ham biscuits.

Yes,

now I'm going to lose.

Now, see, I didn't expect you would respond.

If you knew what spumone was, you would probably be rolling your eyes.

But because it sounds exotic to you,

you think it's cool.

And now I'm tempted to cheat and do a really

chocolate, cherry, and potato flavors.

My ultimate dessert, my ultimate fancy dessert is a whole other story.

But my ultimate dessert in life is I'm a freak when it comes to gummy candies.

I mean, I can't get enough.

The more disgusting, the better.

I'll eat a pound at a time.

He likes the kind that are like sour.

Whatever amount I get, but radioactive looking like fluorescent.

I don't like the face you're making at all.

I feel like I'm going to lose.

But I will, any amount I buy, I will eat them all piece by piece until I am done, no matter what.

Like, I often have to hide them for him.

I'll put them in the oven.

And then I remember when I first met him, he had a baggie in his hot car of melted,

all his melted gummies, which also had chocolate-covered gummy bears mixed in.

So there was like chocolate and gummy.

And he poked a hole in the bottom of the bag and just sucked, sucked against the bag.

Sucked bass eater.

Sucked the liquid formation of

the gummy.

And that was when you first met him.

Yeah.

I was actually impressed.

Yeah, that's a big move.

I was impressed.

How did you get me to think that was impressive?

It must have been a gag.

There's no way I wasn't doing it as a like to be able to get it.

Take us to this unlike I'd like to be in a bag.

Hold on a second.

I got Mars bars and banana.

What do I breastfeed it?

I should have cheated.

I should have cheated, but it would have made the podcast less fun.

Sure, but that's your...

I mean, is your genuine answer those gummies from the bag?

To his credit, he was making a joke, but you did do it.

Yeah, well, there was a lot of follow-up.

Listen, let me tell you.

I want to do that joke at like an early date with someone that I like.

Well, let me just tell you, like, maybe he didn't like me that much.

The memory.

No, that was a test.

If you had left there, I'd have been like, she really wasn't the one.

But the fact that you stuck through that,

then I knew that you would ride with me if I took human life, which I have, and I'm going to reveal to you now.

Yeah.

Well, I was fair enough to reveal that on this pod.

I say, I mean, it's got to be the ice cream.

I'll be in the middle of the season.

I won.

You won.

You won.

You won.

You guys are going to have a great time at this restaurant.

Yeah, and now, I mean, obviously that means that you are now emotionally because you lost, you're now also a genie.

Oh, amazing.

And

the shackles are appearing on your wrist.

Oh, no.

You're going into the lamp and you're going to be working at the restaurant forever.

Can I ask my wife one question?

Yeah.

As the genie?

I am the genie.

I will grant you one wish.

What is it?

That's what you're asking me right now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh-oh.

I think you guys kind of know

what it should be.

Yep.

That we're not divorced.

That I had met you.

Free free me motherfucker free me i want to come back and hang out we have a child together please okay okay i'll free you i'll free you

we're not divorced but i'm getting sucked into this lamp i'm gone it's not a lump it's a big bag of melted gummy chanting yeah

you're in heaven actually congratulations

i appreciate the divorce what's that in the corner of 11 beef paste

uh okay i'm gonna read your orders back to you now me and Ed have decided our favorite meal, obviously, but we'll see if you agree with this.

So Natasha do yours first.

Sparkling water with limes.

You would like.

Oh, you skipped the bread?

Yeah, Brett.

Yeah, we decided to get a bag.

You skipped the bread.

I had a crust baguette.

Yeah, yeah.

So Natasha, script the bread.

You want a wedge salad with blue cheese and bacon.

You would like the salmon with maple and ginger glaze.

You want the cream spinach from Pacific Dining Car, which is the salmon's also from there.

The drink, you want a French save blanc.

And the dessert, you want sparmone, ice ice cream, chocolate cherry pistachio from Dantana.

Dantannas.

Mocha, you want.

Also, you're sharing the sparkling water with the limes.

You want warm French bread, just crust.

Nothing else.

Hummus with sliced egg, hot sauce and pickles on it.

Burrito from Gordo's.

Channels.

Phil's coffee, dark roast blend, heavy cream, brown sugar, pinch of cardamom, mint leaf, and gummy candy sucked from a bag.

I just want to point out that at the beginning of this podcast, Natasha was like, Well, Moshe is really the foodie in this anyway.

Hearing it read back,

I'll take the L.

It sounds pretty fucking disgusting.

I mean,

I was like, You're foraging for all that.

I'll just take a hot bag of garbage and make what there are gummies in.

Well, there we have it.

What a a wonderful menu from Moshe and Natasha there, James.

Delicious.

Two meals of deliciousness.

One more delicious than the other, just slightly.

The beef paste really didn't sell that menu to me.

Oh, he-you know what?

I imagine those dishes do taste nice, but he's got to work in his describing words.

Yeah, he really does.

He picked all the wrong things to describe, i.e., beef paste.

Yeah, don't say beef paste.

Thank you very much for coming in, Moshe and Natasha.

Moshe Cash has released a crowd work-only album

called Surfing, Baby.

It's called Crowdsurfing Volume 1 is what it's called.

And maybe the subtitle of it is Surfing Baby.

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, who's to say it's not?

And they didn't say Tapioca Pearls,

Tapioca Pearls, that's the only reason we're plugging anything.

Yeah, that's it.

Otherwise, that'll be it.

That should also be part of it.

If they say the secret ingredient, they're at the dream restaurant and we don't do anything to plug their work.

Oh, that'd be so great.

That would be pretty sweet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, hey, let's plug our own stuff.

Oh, yeah.

Off menu official on Twitter and Instagram.

Also, offmenupodcast.co.uk for all your off-menu needs, including all the restaurants that are mentioned in the podcast are listed by the Great Bonito on a page called A Restaurant.

And also, go on to Amazon Prime and check out my special blood sugar.

Woohoo, it is funny.

Thank you very much for listening.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Hello, my name is Rob Orton and I do the Rob Orton Daily Podcast.

The Roborton Daily Podcast is a daily podcast that is quite short, some are two minutes long, some are ten minutes long, and they are stories and poems and basically all the thoughts I've ever had that I like enough to want to share with people.

And the Rob Orton podcast is available on Apple, ACAST, Spotify, all the other places where you normally get your podcasts.

And on social media, it is at Roboton Podcast.

Thank you.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Dialed in on the thermostat.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

Clutch move by the home team.

What's the game plan from here on out?

Laundry?

Not today.

Dishwasher?

Sidelined.

What a performance by Team California.

The power truly is ours.

During a flex alert, pre-cool, power down, and let's beat the heat together.

Hello, I'm Carrie Add.

I'm Sarah, and we are the Weirdos Book Club podcast.

We are doing a very special live show as part of the London Podcast Festival.

The date is Thursday, 11th of September, the time is 7pm, and our special guest is the brilliant Alan Davies.

Tickets from kingsplace.co.uk.

Single ladies is coming to London.

True on Saturday, the 13th of September.

At the London Podcast Festival.

The rumours are true, Saturday, the 13th of September at King's Place.

Oh, that sounds like a date to me, Harriet.